#every time I see that fake film referenced I think about the post about how it has the best women Tumblr could ask for

[outeremissary]

I hate Goncharov so much it's unreal

[laylawatermelon]

So I just wanted to vent about this because I don't know why I'm so upset.

(very long post ahead read at your own risk) ps heavy topics implied/vaguely referenced (racism, school s-, outing, etc)

Watching Heartstopper for the first time when it first came out was kind of hard for me. For the first time in my life after about 18 or so years of living in an ultra religious dangerously othering country that quite literally promises (very bad things let's say) about queer people and others in general really I had given myself permission to just enjoy.

To not do the cringe and gag as I was taught in TV and in the church, to not roll my eyes and be hateful. To not dismiss an experience I don't understand.

To not let religion rule my every being and stop me from loving and receiving love and it is. Just love. No labels or anything. It was a romance show.

I had only (very scared may I add) watched one other queer media and every time I had watched one it felt like some omnipotent presence (the church or worse my ironically bigoted dad who happens to be black btw) to burst in and yell

HEY! THAT'S GAY!

(it's funny but not at the same time)

For the first time I allowed it to be on the big screen, my tv screen (as god intended) and allowed myself to see love.

I have been working out my identity since graduating high school and am still working the kinks out. I realized even when I was in the midst of hate I ironically had multiple queer couples (lesbians mostly) in my books. Hell my first book that made me decide to be an author has a grumpy and sunshine couple and I was like yep seems right.

I never thought it was wrong but when I'd leave the comfort of my imagination and my world I realized that there was the world burning around me.

I'd seen queer couples in high school and said that made sense, and in college I was hilariously practically adopted by them for a short while in college (what can I say birds of a feather am I right?).

It's finally been to unpack years of assumptions and hate and I'd cried a lot. There were so many parallels and intertwinement of the struggles of black people and queer people, and black queer people.

I cried feeling helpless growing up seeing school marches of kids begging to be helped by the ones who swore to protect them, I cried growing up seeing news of young men being another static and not another valuable life and then I cried when I finally saw the brokenness in ignoring queer voices.

I cried for myself for feeling like I had to do something, for not being permitted to love who I want, think how I want and develop how I want.

And most of all right now I cry for the feeling of helplessness I feel sometimes.

I feel dramatic when I say I felt empty when I saw what Kit had posted on Twitter. I felt the same way when I watched Mismatched when the female character was outed in an angry rant.

I knew what that meant. I knew what it felt like.

I feels like being bare and prostrated and having yourself held up to a blinding light. To be subjugated to an impossible and immovable standard that the "norm" never have to worry about.

Alice had stated everyone was queer so I also assumed that that's what he probably was. I also think I heard myself in him when he said partner doesn't matter and it's not a big deal.

I say that everytime I talk to my mom or my family.

I want to have a partner that understands me (the subtext is always in bright red PROBABLY NOT STRAIGHT MOM). She now says she just wants me to be happy. 😊

So I accepted it.

I thought everyone did.

I didn't understand why just because he was seen filming or dating a girl (I don't quite remember) meant he had to be faking it. Newsflash he's an actor first of all.

When straight actors have crossdressed and made fun of queer people or even portrayed them in the however long of stardom they never get the same treatment. They get the how brave, how amazing. WOW! He'll even kiss a guy/sarcastic

I was just so hurt and upset. Then all of a sudden there was discourse and I just hated every minute of it.

I've recently been kind of breaking myself away from the celebrity ideal of being turned real life idols/gods to worship that are practically stalked and gawked at. I hate everything about celebrity culture.

Paparazzi=stalker. If it happened to a normal person they'd be in jail. Or at least on a watchlist and shamed probably.

But they've turned people and their lives into the commodity to the public. They've ripped apart the mental health and lives of so many and then go quiet when they break.

It was so unfair.

I feel like it was so unfair.

And I can't help but cry because I know what it feels like to be scared. Everyone probably has at one time.

I have empathy (probably too much honestly) so I tear up when people are hurting.

And I can't help but hurt for him. I can't help but hurt for everyone I see struggling.

I wish the world was better and people were too. I just wish it was all better.

But for Kit in my mind I feel like I probably shouldn't ever meet him because I'll be a sobbing mess so I'll just write this to get it out of my system.

I see you.

I'm sorry it happened like that.

I feel you.

I'm sorry you felt like that.

I'm sorry you had to feel like that. You were young and scared and it felt like the world was surrounding you.

Something so beautiful and private was taken from you. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry.

I just wish he could hear it.

He also deserves a hug. A very big and warm one.

I'm still crying every time they talk about it in season 2 and it just made me sob every time they practically said it's okay tell us in your own time.

I tell that to myself in private every time I question myself about anything.

I'm so sad such a beautiful thing was taken away. And honestly my brain says he might've come out in a very cheeky way using a line from the show or in a very natural way, or even not at all.

We don't owe each other access to every part of ourselves like the Internet has conditioned is to believe.

Celebrities and us "normal people" alike. We all deserve to love and be loved.

No matter the gender, color, size, identity or anything really.

We're literally the only species that can communicate with each other and all this other weird stuff is quite literally all made up to complicate stuff.

We should love and be happy but I know that's a very idealistic way of thinking.

If you see this Kit (and everyone one else ofc) you are loved no matter where you are from, what you identify as or who you love you are valid and worthy.

You are loved even if you don't love yourself - Cleo Sol

The universe loves you and you were put here for a reason and I am quite frankly glad you are here.

Thank you for reading all this if you have I don't feel comfortable talking about stuff like this in my current circumstances but I want to advocate more.

So here, advocacy.

Love who want! Be queer and loud! Muah

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Pining John Pt. 2

Please if you have any pining!John fics (like Sherlock accidentally hurts him like he did molly with the Christmas gift) I would absolutely love that!! Thank you so much😊(submitted by @thediamondwoman)

Anonymous said to inevitably-johnlocked: hi! New Johnlocker here, this is a fic rec ask, but do you have any fics where John is pining/suppressing/ignoring his feelings for Sherlock? Preferably after TRF, and without Mary in the way, and a slow burn one (sorry for all the preferences just one with pining John would be fine) and thank you for being a blog currently reading all your metas and they are amazing <3333

@i-love-books-and-so-do-you asked: hullo!! *waves* i’m in the mood for some pining john, so i was wondering if you have any good ones? preferably with a happy ending

and may i just say your blog is GORGEOUS like all your fic recs *chef’s kiss* thank you for the literal best johnlock content <33

——-

Hi Lovelies!!!

First of all, thank you for your love for my lists! LOL! These asks just keep coming in, so it looks like I’m overdue for another pining John list!!

That said I do actually have pining John fics, and enough to start a second list! As I re-read fics, I’m able to keep adding all the old ones I didn’t tag ages ago to lists, so that’s fun, hahah. Hope you guys don’t mind me just combining all the pining into one list, hahaah. I get more fics that way LOL!

Enjoy, and feel free to add your own, friends!

See also:

Pining John

Pining Sherlock || [MOBILE FRIENDLY VERSION]

Mutual Pining

Mutual Pining Pt 2

John’s Away (and Sherlock’s Not Okay)

Caffeine and Adaptive Programming by DemonicSymphony (E, 5,540 w., 1 Ch. || Androids AU / Bond Fusion || Android Sherlock, Coffee Shop AU, Pining John Hinted Bond / Q, Toplock) – Sherlock is a coffee shop android slowly falling for a regular customer. But he's not supposed to be able to feel emotions.

London Gods by a_different_equation (E, 11,092 w., 5 Ch. || American Gods Fusion || Magical Realism, Sex Magic, True Love, PTSD John, First Kiss/Time, Marathon Sex, Sensuality, Genie Sherlock, Human John, Internalized Homophobia, Star-Crossed Lovers, Soul Mates) – Sherlock Holmes is a jinn who does not grant wishes. However, when Dr. John H. Watson, recently returned from the war in Afghanistan, gets into his cab by "accident", it might not even need magic to grant both men their deepest wish: love.

There's So Much Labour Just in Breathing Lately by Susan (E, 12,708 w., 1 Ch. || Post-TRF / Mentions of S3 Events, Romance, Angst, Grief/Mourning, Grieving John, Mutual Pining, Meddling Mycroft, Therapy, Ambiguous Hopeful Ending, Infidelity) – The dreams he hated most – the ones that left him a sweating, shaking mess when he woke – were the ones in which Sherlock was just Sherlock. Laughing or drinking tea. Sitting across the table from him at Angelo’s eating pasta. Trailing his open hand behind him on the way to the bedroom. “C’mon, John. I’m about to have my way with you.”

On The Fence by BeautifulFiction (T, 13,770 w., 1 Ch. || Fencing, Case Fic, First Kiss, Insecure John, Pining John, Hug, Greg Finds Out) – The murder of the King's College fencing champion leads to revelations about Sherlock's past. Will it be the point that tips them from friends to lovers, or will they remain on the fence?

The Invocation of Saint Margaret by Ewebie (E, 15,831 w., 1 Ch. || POV John,  Crossing Timelines, Light Angst, Fluff, Series 3 John / Series 1 Sherlock, The Matchbox, Mushy Romance, First Time, Bisexual John, Pining John, Bottomlock, Love Confessions, Sensuality, Emotional Love Making, Snippets of Time) – When Sherlock Holmes opens the matchbox from The Sign of Three and John finds himself years in the past, back to that first dinner at Angelo's with a much younger Sherlock Holmes. Is he dreaming?

Division by MrsNoggin (E, 19,542 w., 11 Ch. || Coffee Shop AU || First Kiss/Time, Fluff, Barista Sherlock, Clingy Sherlock, POV John, John’s Limp, Bed Sharing, Fluff, Sleepy Cuddles, Sensuality, Touching, Virgin Sherlock, Insecure John) – John likes mysteries. And every morning he dips into the local independent coffee bar with his newspaper and ponders another... one Sherlock Holmes.

Insanity in the Middle by DotyTakeThisDown (E, 28,010 w., 8 Ch. || Equestrian Sports AU || Alternate First Meeting, POV John, Pining John, Bottomlock, Clueless Sherlock, First Kiss/Time, Passionate Kisses, Hand Holding, Caught Making Out, Bed Sharing, Spooning, Blow Job) – John is a world-class eventing rider with a gold medal and several four-star wins to his credit, but he's never won at Rolex. Sherlock is an up-and-coming rider taking the sport by storm.

Deck the Halls by itsalwaysyou_jw (T, 31,018 w., 24 Ch. || Advent Fic / Multiple One-Shots, Assorted Tags) – One Johnlock ficlet for every day leading up to Christmas. Who is ready for pining, first kisses, established Johnlock, and everything in between? This collection of stand-alone ficlets will have it all.

The Case of the Vanishing Pants by SwissMiss (E, 44,025 w., 6 Ch. || Five and Ones, Post-TRF, Case Fic, UST, Homophobia, Friends to Lovers, Pining John, Showering Together, Couple for a Case, Sherlock’s Bum, Fantasies, Jealous Sherlock) – Five times John and Sherlock lost their pants in the course of a case.

Only To Be With You by SinceWhenDoYouCallMe_John (M, 40,768 w., 4 Ch. || Black Mirror / Future AU || Character Death, Future Technology, Sickness/Cancer/Illness, Heavy Angst with Happy Ending, First Person POV John, Pining John, Heart-Wrenching Angst) – I tell myself that next time I’ll come near this same place again. Wait around for the mysterious stranger in his coat to dash past me, hot on the heels of a new criminal in black. I think this all the way back to my Exit, planning where I’ll wait and what I’ll say when I see him. Scheming on how to get his name. It’s only once I reach the Exit Point door that I realize two hours and forty-five minutes have passed, and I realize that this won’t be the last time I Visit. It won’t be the last time at all.

Inscrutable to the Last by DiscordantWords (M, 48,842 w., 6 Ch. || Post-TRF, Alternate S3, John’s Blog/S3 is a Story By John, Divorce, Marital Difficulties, John is a Mess, Emotional Reunion, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Grief / Mourning, Pining John, First Kiss, Adorably Clueless Sherlock, Nostalgia, Love Confessions, Eventual Happy Ending) – He wasn't Sherlock, he couldn't work miracles. All he'd ever been able to do was write about them.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse by SilentAuror (E, 50,635 w., 1 Ch. || Post-S4/S4 Divergence, Case Fic, For a Case / Reverse Fake-Relationship, Conferences, Marriage Equality, Travelling / New York, Pride, Homophobia, Bottomlock, Marriage Proposal, John POV, Sexuality, Love Confessions, Emotional Love Making, Public Hand Jobs, Blow Jobs, Passionate Kissing, Needy/Clingy Sherlock, Virgin Sherlock, Touching / Hand Holding, Bed Sharing, Little Spoon Sherlock, Intense Orgasms) – John and Sherlock go to New York to attend a conference run by the National Defence of Traditional Marriage Coalition in order to investigate the potential bombing of the annual Manhattan Pride parade. As the conference unfolds, John finds himself repulsed by the toxic ideology being presented, which becomes relevent to his own unacknowledged issues and his friendship with Sherlock...

Isosceles by SilentAuror (E, 56,609 w., 7 Ch. || Post-S4, POV John, Original Male Character / Sherlock Dates Another Man, Love Triangle, Jealous John, Virgin Sherlock, Sexual Coaching, Angst, Romance, Domesticity, Unrequited Feelings, Miscommunication, First Kiss/Time, For a Case, Friends With Benefits, Bottomlock, Love Confessions, Spooning) – After solving a case for a major celebrity, Sherlock gets himself asked out. When John asks, he discovers that Sherlock has no intention of going, at least not until John agrees to coach him through whatever he might need to know for his date...

White Knight by DiscordantWords (M, 69,840 w., 13 Ch. || S4 Compliant/Post S4, Marriage For a Case, Jealous John, Pining John, Janine / Sherlock Fake Relationship, Serial Killers, Case Fic, Undercover as a Couple, Weddings, John is a Mess, Misunderstandings, Wedding Planning, Jealousy, Drunkenness, Love Confessions, Angst with Happy Ending) – Green. The word green was used to convey a great many things. Illness. Envy. Inexperience. Standing there amidst Janine's chattering bridesmaids, watching Sherlock furrow his brow and study fabric swatches, watching him smile and simper and flirt, John thought it a remarkably apt colour choice. Because he felt quite sick to his stomach, he feared the source of said sickness might very well be jealousy, and he had absolutely no idea at all what to do about it. Or: Sherlock needs to fake a relationship for a case. He doesn't ask John.

Thermocline by J_Baillier (M, 83,557 w., 14 Ch. || Scuba Diving AU || Adventure, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Marine Archaeology, Asexual Sherlock, Horny John, Relationship Drama, Technical/Scuba/Wreck Diving, Slow Burn, Underwater /  Medical Peril, Doctor John, Hurt Sherlock, Anxious Sherlock, John POV, Protective John, Body Appreciation) – John "Five Oceans" Watson — technical dive instructor, dive accident analyst and weapon of mass seduction — meets recluse professor of maritime archaeology Holmes. As they head out to a remote archipelago off the coast of Guatemala to study and film its shipwrecks for a documentary, will sparks fly or fizzle out?

The Bang and the Clatter by earlgreytea68 (M, 137,049 w., 37 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Baseball AU || Slow Burn / Dev. Rel., Possessive/Obsessive Sherlock, Jealous Sherlock, Mutual Pining, Body Appreciation, Depression, Closeted Sexuality, Family, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Ogling Each Other, Anxious Sherlock, Panic Attack, Drunkenness, Talk of Forever, Big Feelings™) – Sherlock Holmes is a pitcher and John Watson is a catcher. No, no, no, it's a baseball AU. Part 1 of Baseball

Proving A Point by elldotsee & J_Baillier (E, 186,270 w., 28 Ch. || Me Before You Fusion || Medical Realism, Insecure John, Depression, Romance, Angst, POV John, Sherlock Whump, Serious Illness, Doctor John, Injury Recovery, Assisted Suicide, Sherlock’s Violin, Awkward Sexual Situations, Alcoholism, Drugs, Idiots in Love, Slow Burn, Body Image, Friends to Lovers, Hurt / Comfort, Pain, Big Brother Mycroft, Intimacy, Anxiety, PTSD, Family Issues, Psychological Trauma, John Whump, Case Fics, Loneliness, Pain) – Invalided home from Afghanistan, running out of funds and convinced that his surgical career is over, John Watson accepts a mysterious job offer to provide care and companionship for a disabled person. Little does he know how much hangs in the balance of his performance as he settles into his new life at Musgrave Court.

[oneweekoneband]

I’m slightly nauseous already with knowing I’m going to say this, but what does “self-awareness”  even mean? In modern parlance, as a descriptive phrase, as a comment on art? I’m asking in earnest, like, I’ve been Googling lately, which for me is basically on par with doctoral study in terms of academic rigor. The self is king, anyway, tyrant, so where is the line of distinction between material that intentionally is nodding at some truth about the artist’s life and what’s just, like, all the rest of the regular navel-gazing bullshit. I mean, I’m all self, I am guilty here. I can’t get it out of my poems or even make it more quiet. This is the tenth time I’ve invoked “I” in the space of six sentences. Processing art has always necessitated a certain amount of grappling with the creator, but the busywork of it lately grows more and more tedious. Joy drains out of my body parsing marks left behind not just in stylistic tendencies and themes, but in literal, intentional tags like graffiti on a water tower. This feels an age old and moth-holed complaint, dull, and I am no historian, or really a serious thinker of any kind. I’ve now complained at some length about self-referential art, but didn’t I love how Martin Scorsese nodded to the famous Goodfellas Copacabana tracking shot with the opening frames of last year’s The Irishman? Didn’t I find that terribly fun and sort of sweet? So there’s distinctions. I’m only saying I don’t know with certainty what they even are. I’m unreliable, and someone smarter than me has likely already solved my quandary about why self-knowledge often transforms into overly precious self-reflexivity in such a way that the knowledge is diminished and obscured, leaving only cutesy Easter eggs behind. Postmodernism has birthed a moralizing culture where art exists to be termed either “self-aware Good” or “self-aware Bad”.  Self-referentiality in media is so commonplace, so much the standard, that what was once credited as metatextual inventiveness often feels lazy now. In 1996, Scream was revitalizing a genre. Today, two thirds of all horror movies spend half their running time making sure that you know that they know they’re a horror movie, which is fine, I guess, except sometimes you just wanna watch someone get butchered with an axe in peace. 

This is all to say that in 2020 Taylor Swift looked long and hard upon her image in the reflecting pool of her heart and has written yet another song about Gone Girl.

“mirrorball” is a very good piece of Gone Girl —feels insane to tell anyone reading a post on a blog what Gone Girl is but, you know, the extremely popular 2012 novel about a woman who pretends to have been murdered and frames her husband for it, and subsequently the 2014 film adaption where you kinda see Ben Affleck’s dick for a second—fanfiction. It would be a fine song, a good song, really, even if it weren’t that, if it were just something normal and not unhinged written by a chill person who behaves in a regular way, but we need to acknowledge the facts for what they are. When Taylor Swift watched Rosamund Pike toss her freshly self-bobbed hair out of her face and hiss, “You think you’d be happy with some nice Midwestern girl? No way, baby. I’m it!” her brain lit up like a Christmas tree, and she’s never been the same. If you Google “taylor swift gone girl” there waiting for you will be a medium sized lake’s worth of articles speculating about how Gone Girl influenced and is referenced in past Swift singles “Blank Space” and “Look What You Made Me Do”. This is not new behavior, and if anything it’s getting a bit troubling to think that it’s been this long since Taylor’s read another book. Still, while the prior offerings were a fair attempt at this particular feat of depravity, “mirrorball” has brought Taylor’s Amy Elliott Dunne deification to stunning new heights. And most importantly, Taylor has done a service to every person alive with more than six brain cells and a Internet connection by putting an end to the “Cool Girl” discourse once and for all. By the power invested in “mirrorball”, it is hereby decreed that the Cool Girl speech from Gone Girl is neither feminist or antifeminist, not ironic nor aspirational. No. It’s something much better than all that. It’s a threat. I ! Can ! Change ! Everything ! About ! Me ! To ! Fit ! In !

Gone Girl (2012) by Gillian Flynn

“mirrorball” (2020) by Taylor Swift

When the twinkly musical stylings of Jack Antonoff, a man I distinctly distrust, but for no one specific reason, whirl to life at the beginning of this song I feel instantly entranced, blurry-brained and pleasure-pickled like an infant beneath a light-up crib mobile or, I guess, myself in the old times, the outside times, three tequila sodas deep under the disco lights at The Short Stop. Under a mirrorball in my head. I know very little about music, as a craft, and I really don’t care to know more. I’m happy in a world of pure, dumb sensation. I’m not even sure what kind of instruments are making these jangly little sounds. I just like it. I am vibing. We may not ever be able to behave badly in a club again, but I can sway to my stupid Taylor Swift-and-the-brother-of-the-lady-who-makes-like-those-sweatshirts-with-little-sayings-or-like-vulvas-which-famous-white-women-wear-on-instagram-you-know-what-I-mean song, pressing up onto my tiptoes on the linoleum tile of our kitchen floor and can feel for a second or two something approaching bliss. “mirrorball” is a lush sound bath that I like a lot and then also it’s about being all things to all people, chameleoning at a second’s notice, doing Oscar worthy work on every Zoom call, performing the you who is good, performing the you who is funny, performing the you who draws a liter of your own blood and throws it around the kitchen then cleans it up badly all to get your husband sent to jail for sleeping with a college student... Too much talk about making and unmaking of the self is way too, like, 2012 Tumblr for me now, and I start hearing the word “praxis” ring threateningly in my head, but I’m not yet so evolved that I don’t feel a pull. Musings on the disorganized self—on how we are new all the time, and not just because of all the fresh skin coming up under the dead, personhood in the end so frighteningly flexible—are always going to compel me, I’m afraid, but that goes double for musings on the disorganized self which posit that Taylor Swift still thinks Amy Dunne made some points.

Because on “mirrorball” Taylor is for once not hamfistedly addressing some “hater”, in the quiet and the lack of embarrassing martyrdom it actually offers an interesting answer to the complaint that Taylor is insufficiently self-aware. This criticism emerges often in tandem with claiming to have discovered some crack in the chassis of Swift’s public self, revealing the sweetness to be insincere. My instinct is to dismiss this more or less out of hand as just a mutation of the school of thought that presumes all work by women must be autobiography. And, regardless, it is made altogether laughable by the fact that anyone actually paying attention has known since at least Speak Now, a delightful record populated by the most appalling, horrible characters imaginable, and all of them written by a twenty year old Taylor Swift, that this woman is a pure weirdo. To accuse Taylor Swift of lacking in self-awareness is a reductive misunderstanding, I think, of artifice. Being a fake bitch takes work. Which is to say, if we agree that her public self is a calculated performance—eliding the fact that all public selves are a performance to avoid getting too in the weeds yadda yadda— why, then, should it be presumed that performance is rooted in ignorance? Would it not make more sense that, in fact, someone able to contort themselves so ably into various shapes for public consumption would have a certain understanding of the basic materials they’re working with and concealing? Taylor Swift, in a decade and a half of fame, has presented herself from inside a number of distinct packages. The gangly teenager draped in long curls like climbing wisteria who wrote lyrics down her arms in glitter paint gave way to red lipstick, a Diet Coke campaign, and bad dancing at awards shows. There was the period where she was surrounded constantly by a gaggle of models, then suddenly wasn’t anymore, and that rough interlude with the bleached hair. The whole Polaroid thing. Last year she boldly revealed she’s a democrat. Now it’s the end of the world and she’s got frizzy bangs and flannels and muted little piano songs. Perhaps this endless shape-shifting contradicts or undermines, for some, the pose of tender authenticity which has remained static through each phase, but that doesn’t mean she hasn’t been doing it all on purpose the entire time. I’ve never been a natural, all I do is try, try, try...

In the Disney+ documentary—which, in order to watch, I had to grudgingly give the vile mouse seven dollars, because the login information that I’d begged off of my little sister didn’t work and I was too embarrassed to bring it up a second time—Taylor referred to “mirrorball” as the first time on the album where she explicitly addressed the pandemic, referring to the lyrics that start, “And they called off the circus, Burned the disco down,” and end with “I’m still on that tightrope, I’m still trying everything to get you laughing at me,” which actually did made me laugh, feeling sort of warmly foolish and a little fond, because it never would have occurred to me that she was trying to be literal there. I suppose we really do all contain multitudes. Hate that.

[arlakos]

Miraculous New York Special: First Trailer Impressions

I’m gonna be brief with this statement: I’m not really looking forward to the special. Sure it’s a new episode, but i got burnt out on canon long ago, and the ao3 salt-fest has left me in a state where i haven’t really quit, but haven’t been motivated to make a lot of ML posts.

That being said, its got the fandom excited for new miraculous content, as well as myself, so lets talk about the trailers. Here are the trailer vids that I’ll be referencing in the video and be talking about.

(For reference, this was made on the 22nd of September, so this is all speculation and first opinions. Don’t flame me if one of my speculations are proven correct.)

First of all, every single hero released for the trailer thus far has so far been female, with knightowl and sparrow being unconfirmed. That being said, if its anything like the comic its based on, im pretty sure the New York Hero team will push the message of ‘Only girls get to be heroes/heroines, while the boys are regulated to be side kicks’ - justliketheactualshow heyyyyyyyyy!~

Also, its been confirmed that one of the heroes Names is Snowflake. Either Astruc really likes lame puns, or he didn’t hear the memo about the marvel comic hero with the same name. 

Or he did hear about it, but thinks its good and that people who downvoted it are ‘fake fans’ 😒.

Chances are Snowflake will have a sidekick named Safe Space, and if she does im gonna need a ice pack for my forehead cause i already want to slam my head against the desk.

Also RIP my boi Doorman. You had only one role in the comic and even that was taken from you by the show. 

F in Chat for my boi Doorman :(

And his partner, Uncanny Valley

Oh, and Victory too. She seemed like a cool characters.

Actually, just and F for all the ret-gonned heroes. At least the Quantic Kids have company now in the shiny light of shelved ideas.

Back on the Topic of Sparrow, i reckon he’s going to get the short end of the stick this episode. Considering that he has no actual powers in the comic, and the fact he can’t run from a swarm of a rockets and has to end up being saved by Ladybug, I reckon he’s going to be Chat Noir levels of usefullness. That is to say - he’ll probably be made by Astruc to be incompetent in the face of the ‘better’ female heroes.

SPEAKING OF LADYBUG HOLY HELL I AM ALREADY ANNOYED-

Look, i read the comics (unfortunately) and chances are Ladybug is going to be the main focus of the episode again. 

Yeah, i know, Ladybug is the main character and all, but ideally I’d hope to see an avengers situation where all the heroes partake in the battle and contribute equally, and it would be nice to see Ladybug (and Cat Noir) get some mentorship from older and more experienced heroes...

Chances are though, the actual heroes will treat Ladybug and Cat Noir like sidekicks and ignore them, only for there to be a situation where Ladybug can fix everything while the other heroes cant, or for Ladybug to have on option on how to win the battle where its the only right one while the other decisions the other heroes make and wrong and Lila-levels of evil and... 

Yeah im getting a bit to mad at this, but long story short, Ladybug is gonna steal the spotlight from the other heroes, and everyone will adore her like the Mary Sue she already partialy is.

“Nothing is impossible for Ladybug” Yeah, like talking normally to a boy to a boy you like, instead of relying on convoluted plans to make him fall for you.

Oh, Hawkmoth is in the episode? Damn... I was actually really hoping that we would get to see some new villains this episode, and not just more stinking akumas. 

The hell does he want with antique guns though....

Oh damn... Nevermind... It seems he found a new miraculous, considering the pendant around Gabriel’s neck and the white glowing Kwami. Shit just got a lot more interesting...

Looking on the trailer now, it could also be likely that Hawkmoth will have his own side story that will be going on while the heroes are fighting the New York villains, so it would mean we will get to see actual new villains in the show. 

I’m actually hoping Gabe story involves him teleporting to Paris...I like the idea of him using his time away from Adrien to further his plans and not being there as a result of Adrien.

In any case, I’m hoping for Hawkmoth to only appear towards the end of the show with whatever plan he has cooked up.

Speaking of akumas (and moving on to the 3 eyed girl), its a high chance that with Hawkmoth in new Yorks, she’ll be an akuma in disguise based on the trailers alone. With her being a possible fan of the american heroes, she’ll probably want in on the heroism, making her a perfect target for Hawkmoth. I mean the purple eyes are quite notably creepy, and the skin looks altered like other akumatized villains. Yeah, i expect this to be a Volpina situation all over again.

On a side note, my friend @twin-books​ said that she looks like a monster high character, and I honestly cant blame her. At first glance she looks like a mummified Cleopatra. XD

On a more positive note, I really like the orchestral Version of the Miraculous Ladybug theme. Its really great, and has an avengers vibe to it...

...but on that same note, Astruc probably deliberately made it that way, considering he has an ego the size of Ego from MCU, and probably thinks he can make movies better than most Marvel creators. He thinks himself on the same writing level as the Russo Brothers, but in reality he’s on the level of Kathleen Kennedy. Which is to say...very low 😈.

Actually wait, I just realise Zag does all the Miraculous music... nvm its really goddamn good, but my previous point still stands.

I don’t know if this is just be being annoyed at the Captain Marvel film, but Majestia reminds me too much of said heroine. I dunno, she rubs me the wrong way. I hope Majestia’s attitude wont be the same as Captain Marvels, but its likely considering Astruc’s idea of ‘good female heroes’

That being said, I like the other heroes designs, even Artica (im not calling her Snowflake). Considering I don’t know much about the heroes in the show, im gonna try to be positive and like them before I judge them.

So this has been my speculations/ first opinions on the New York special! I really hope the episode will be good, but if it isnt... well I’ll try to enjoy the good parts at least.

P.S. If you like, please reblog

[ashintheairlikesnow]

Vince and the Phone

A phone call between Vincent Shield and his girlfriend, Tara. Tara belongs to @fairybean101 and is used with permission! Thanks for letting me use your girl to talk some sense into my poor movie star.

This post references Who’s the Better Box Boy by @shameless-whumper heavily, so please read that if you haven’t yet to understand Vince’s reactions

CW: Referenced past violent assault, and referenced psat and current noncon

Tagging: @maybeawhumpblog, @pepperonyscience, @haro-whumps, @18-toe-beans, @burtlederp, @finder-of-rings, @giggly-evil-puppy, @lump-of-whump, @whimpers-and-whumpers​

He can’t stop fucking watching it.

Vince finally gives up and calls her - one benefit of their relationship for him has been Tara’s simple willingness to pick up the phone so he can ask her to yell at him any time, day or night. Tara never seems to sleep, she’s burning herself out rescuing all those poor Box Boys and Babes, and so she’s never more than a few moments of ringing away.

And she always picks up when Vince calls.

When Eli had initially asked him to consider acting as some kind of go-between for the pet lib people - he’d known Eli for a while, they ran in some of the same circles sometimes - he’d nearly said no.

But he wanted to help; even then, he’d understood something was really, really wrong with the whole human pet system. He hadn’t been able to put his finger on it, then, because why not let people sign their lives away? Vince did that every time he signed a contract for a new film and had to stop doing anything but working out and eating stupid plain chicken for months.

But Eli had known more than he let on, at first, and a couple of years later Vince was sitting up in the middle of the night, half-plastered, replaying a video of some poor son of a bitch with Vince’s face laying on his back, ankles flush to thighs, legs spread. 

The red in the poor thing’s face, embarrassed and ashamed of something that, according to Tara, he couldn’t have refused to do even if he’d wanted to. 

And to Vince, it looked like he wanted to refuse.

He caught the look the other one - the one that the Host kept - gave, presumably, Owen behind the camera. Flat and controlled, an attempt to stay expressionless, but Vince could read the helpless fury there.

“Yeah, you and me both, buddy,” Vince muttered, raking a hand back through his hair as he pulled up Tara’s number. “Both of us get pissed as hell and both of us do fucking nothing about it. At least you have an excuse, I guess. I’m just a goddamn coward.”

Tara’s number was next to an icon of her face, a serious scowl with her red hair a halo around her head. She hadn’t wanted Vince to take the photo, but she’d been the one to choose which of the seven he took got set as her icon on his phone.

It took four rings for Tara to pick up.

“What dumbass thing are you doing now?” Her voice is sharp as ever, but laced, he likes to think, with friendly affection. “It’s two in the morning, Vince.”

“Don’t yell at me for being up, I’m between projects and I always get all weird with my sleep schedule when I’m not working. What are you doing up?”

“Handling some new reports from another group,” Tara replies, and Vince can hear her shuffling papers in the background. “They got word on an upcoming raid, managed to split up their documents and records before the cops found them. We took in a few of their rescues, a couple of other groups took some. All the rescues are taken care of, which is what matters, but shit.”

“Shit���?”

“They’re hitting too many groups. I think someone is talking. But you don’t want to hear about my shit tonight… what’s up, Vince?” There’s a pause and before he can answer, Tara asks softly, “You’re still thinking about it, aren’t you?”

Vince glances down at his laptop, where the video is currently paused, right on the shot of the look of pure unadulterated trying-to-hide-it murder Colton - who is apparently Dustin Anderson, pet liberation activist, and oh shit what a fucking ominous soundtrack that knowledge starts up inside his head - is giving Owen Grant. He moves the timer back and sets it up to replay the look on the Kauri kid’s face the second he heard the Host say Position 34.

The red flush, humiliated and nervous, the subtle sidelong glance to the other pet only to see the confusion on his face and realize oh shit, I’m the only one of us who knows this.

Did pets judge each other? Did Kauri leave and the other one, the Dustin one, think oh, that one’s a whore when they left?

Probably not. 

No, the reaction shots gave too much away for Vince to even think unkind bullshit like that. No, the pets clearly cared, at least a little. The rescues they brought in mostly avoided each other at first, while all the conditioning was in place, but these two look like maybe they wouldn’t. Or at least not as much. 

He rewinds again right to the start, watching for the moment Owen Grant looks up, surprised, those green eyes on the camera so soft and friendly.

“He’s such a fucking liar, Tara,” Vince says, and his voice shakes.

“Yeah, okay, so you’re watching it.” Tara sighs, and he can picture it - rubbing the spot between her eyebrows with her index finger and thumb, taking a deep breath. “Vince, you shouldn’t. You shouldn’t punish yourself this way.”

“He’s a liar. He goes on camera - what fucking right does he have to do that, by the way - and he stands right fucking there and lies about what happened between us, lies about what I, what I did with him-”

“No.” Tara’s voice is sharp, and it cuts through Vince immediately. His mouth snaps shut. “What he did to you, Vince. We’ve talked about this. You didn’t do anything but go to see your friend one night when he seemed down. Everything after he put the drink in your hand is what he did to you.”

There’s a silence and Vince tries to tell himself she’s right. She’s always right.

Eventually, he gives up to the pull of just letting Tara run the show and smiles, wondering if she’ll hear the expression in his voice. “Yeah, okay. But still… you know he didn’t get someone like that Box Boy by accident. You know he lied about that, too.”

“Yeah, I know.” Tara’s voice is clipped, and goes slightly quieter. “We got a potential informant in the company, and I’ve just seen Grant’s custom order form.”

“What?” Vince’s feet thump to the ground and he sits up. Around him his home is perfectly silent, pure white, and kind of cold. He likes it better when Tara has to stay over, pretend she’s sleeping with him that night. Then this place feels like it has life in it. 

Mostly, even when he’s home, it just feels... empty.

“Yeah. We had someone come through and offer to get us some info, and Owen Grant’s order form was in the documents he gave us to show he was good for it. This is… this is the most detailed custom order form I’ve ever seen, Vince.”

“Did he-...” Vince tries to swallow back the question, but it tumbles out anyway. “Did he really just want him for-”

“No, it’s more fucked than that.” Tara’s quiet - Vince can hear his own blood, his heartbeat, his breathing. “Are you sure you want me to tell you?”

“Yes. No. I don’t, I don’t know… will it make me feel better or worse to hear it?”

On screen, Kauri is shocked and Vince watches his flinch, the tears standing in his eyes, still pleading and wide in some hope that Owen will rescue him. Vince grinds his teeth in anger at the way it looks to see his own face, so perfectly broken and needy, looking always to Owen to be saved.

Exactly how Owen had always wanted to see him.

“Probably worse,” Tara answers, and there’s a hint of gentleness there. Tara isn’t gentle with very many people - with him, with Eli, maybe a few others. Always with the rescues, the broken men and women hiding from the system under fake names and with forged documentation, pulled from homes and those two-bit emporiums selling bullshit knock-off Box Boys and Babes. She doesn’t have a lot of gentle left in her, after her own ordeal - but she always finds a little for Vince.

And he doesn’t even try to be ashamed of himself for needing it.

“Tell me anyway. That poor kid probably feels enough like shit, I might as well join him. I’m the only reason he’s even in this mess.”

“Well, okay, it might make you feel better to know he was already in the system. They called him 645898,” Tara reads the number out loud with real hatred edging her voice. “He was already in training before Grant put in his order, but I have a hunch they new Grant had been sniffing around the site and picked him up to have him ready for the order. And fuck, what an order. I don’t know what we’d even do with a rescue like this one, Vince.”

“What? Why? We’ve rescued others that are, that were, that… um…”

“Got their brains fucked out of them?” Tara asks with bitter near-humor.

“Yeah. That.”

“Yeah, he’s definitely seeing his share of that-” Vince winces, closing his eyes, trying not to remember Own’s hand pressed over his mouth, the look in his eyes as he’d whispered I’m so fucking tired of hearing you say no all the time, Vince, the way the ropes had dug into his wrists until they were rubbed raw and bloody. “-but it’s worse than that. He wouldn’t even go with us if we showed up at Grant’s front door.”

“Let me guess,” Vince says heavily. “He wanted the pet to love him.”

I just want you to fucking love me, you piece of shit! Is that so much to ask, Vince? Huh?! Is that so much to fucking ask?!

“Yep.” Tara doesn’t try to soothe him, to paper over old wounds with pretty words. That’s what he loves about her - Vince’s world is one of fake comfort and false friends, and Tara never gives comfort she doesn’t drag out of herself with real sincerity and she’s the truest friend he’s ever had. “If we tried to take him, he... he wouldn’t go. And that’s just the fucking tip of the fucking iceberg, too.”

“Perfect.” Vince sighs. “This kid had no idea what he was signing up for, huh?”

“Vince. You and I both know hardly any of them actually sign up for anything. You and I both know how they get the pets to sign our contracts.”

Vince licks his lips, hesitating, his blood running a little cold at the thought. “Yeah. Yeah, I know, I know how they do it. I know it.”

“Close your laptop, Vince. Go to sleep. This kid won’t be any less or more fucked over if you do. We’ll work on his case, I promise, he’s just… he’s going to be tough. He’s not in a house where we can walk up, he never leaves so we can’t catch him in a vulnerable, open place. And if we did… he wouldn’t go. The conditioning is thorough, Vince, and I’ve no doubt he loves Grant and is terrified of the idea of being taken away from him.” Tara sighs, again. She has a whole library of sighs, and Vince loves her for each and every one of them. “I have to talk to Eli about it, we need a better plan for dealing with this one, but trust me - I’m going to figure this shit out. Your clone and Dustin, we’re going to figure it out.”

“If you don’t, Tara? What if you can’t figure it out, for either of them?”

“Then…” Tara trails off. “Then it’s like I said. They’re no more or less fucked over than they were before I knew about them.”

It’s Vince’s turn to snort. “Tara. We both know that’s not how you operate. You never stop thinking about any of the ones you couldn’t rescue.”

“Hm. Maybe I’ll make it work this time if I try hard enough. Go to sleep, Vince. Eli’s on my other line. He took in a rescue and he’s been calling me for advice about her.”

“That’s funny. Me calling to ask you about this Kauri kid, and Eli’s right in his house, at the exact same moment, calling you for advice about, uh, whatever her name is.”

“Keira. She asked him to call her Keira.” Tara is quiet. “Kauri and Keira. Funny, the two names together like that. Eli even says her hair is dark and curly... Anyway, you need sleep and I need to keep moving.”

“Right, because you’re a sleep shark, if you sleep you’ll die,” Vince teases her. She laughs on the other line, and he relaxes all at once. 

Did the people who kept Tara, in the shadowy past she only rarely opened up about, ever make her laugh? Did they have any idea how wonderful it was to hear the sound? Did they know her laugh was nearly as gorgeous as the red of her hair? If Vince had ever been remotely into women, someone like Tara might have been just his type.

As it was, his fake girlfriend was probably his best friend. And the only person on Earth who knew what Owen Grant had done to him, when he was 20 years old and looked exactly like the Kauri kid that Vince was watching, once again, lay on his back on the screen.

Ankles against his thighs, legs spread apart, the flush of shame in his eyes and his skin and in the way he moved when Owen yanked him back to his feet moments later. 

“You have meetings tomorrow,” Tara says, softly. 

“So do you,” He counters. He scrolls down to look over the comments, staring at the array of usernames and inane babble. Mostly just people praising the Host’s cleverness, how funny they are, what a great idea to have two Box Boys face off like that.

Then one catches his eye.

@finder-of-rings: Kauri seems really sweet. God I hope owen isn’t hurting him. It’d be so, so easy to do just anything he wanted to him! They’re all alone and he can’t say no to anything, right??? God, that’s so scary… imagine being all alone with someone like Owen Grant and he can do literally anything to you and no one will stop him and no one will help you! Someone should do something!

There’s a slew of replies telling the commenter they’re making a mountain out of a molehill, that the Box Boys signed up for this, it’s all part of the system, whatever. 

Vincent just stares at the words as they go in and out of focus.

“Vince?” Tara’s voice seems a little fainter. “You listening?”

Imagine being all alone with someone like Owen Grant and he can do anything to you - and no one will stop him - and no one will help you.

“I don’t have to imagine it,” Vince whispers. “I’ve been there, Finder of Rings. I’ve fucking been there.”

“Hey, no, are you reading the comments, Vince?” Tara’s voice is sharp again, cuts through the fog and the way his throat has gone tight, his heart beating fast, a dizzy fear pounding in his mind all the way down to wrists that still remember how it felt to be tied down. 

A throbbing pulse of phantom pain in the rib Owen had broken, in the eye he’d punched. Some of Vince’s teeth are fake because of Owen Grant.

“Never, ever read the comments, Vince. Never. That’s… we have people who read the comments just to troll for info and even some of them get freaked out. Don’t do it. Or…” The softness is back in her voice, again. “At least let me be there with you when you do.”

“Yeah… yeah, no, you’re right.” Vince’s voice is shaking as he closes his laptop screen, shutting away the vision of Kauri and the Host’s boy carefully not looking at each other as the episode ended. I hope the other pets don’t judge the ones like you, little clone, he thinks. I hope, I hope, I hope.

“I’m going to bed, Tara. You’re right and I should take your advice and just… just fucking shut off for a while. Are you going to take my advice and do the same?”

“Fuck no. I’m calling Eli to see what help he needs with his rescue. She’s a sweetheart, she’s been really put through the worst the system does to people. I’ll sleep when I’m dead, Vince.”

“And you’ll die if you sleep,” Vince says, and both of them laugh this time. 

She hangs up and Vince sits in his quiet, empty house, thinking of the comment he’d read.

Someone should do something.

He thinks of Owen screaming in his face, holding him by the chin, the way he’d choked on his own blood and the tooth down his throat as he cried and begged Owen not to kill him. Thought of what it had been like when Owen’s mom had found out and Vincent had stumbled out of the old apartment where Owen used to live, beaten half to death and unable to tell a single living soul what really happened.

It’d hurt his career, if he did. He was just getting real acting jobs meant for adults, then - he’d signed Carlotta Grant’s legal shit and taken a year to recover and then come back and become a fucking superstar. It had felt like enough for a while.

He couldn’t have risked his career, then, when it was only getting started. And now...

It’d murder his career to step one foot out of line, now - and put the pet lib people he worked with at risk, if he publicly said a fucking thing about Owen Grant keeping what amounted to a blow up doll with a pulse that looked just like him.

He had to trust Tara, and the people like Tara - the people braver than him.

“Someone should save that poor kid,” Vince mutters, alone in the dark. “Someone should do something. But it’s not going to be me.”

[lokiondisneyplus]

In late March, when Robert and Michelle King convened the writers room for their supernatural drama Evil, they plotted out a second season premiere in a haunted New York City subway station.

Now, more than two months later, as the novel coronavirus continues to ravage so much of the world, the idea has been scrapped at the behest of their line producer, who warned that filming permits would be hard, if not impossible, to come by. When the CBS series does return, the season opener will explore the spiritual consciousness of its characters instead, with a storyline devoted to the "God helmet" and its virtual-reality-meets-peyote-style impact. It's a plot perfectly suited for a post-pandemic world, explains Robert King, because it relies heavily on visual effects. "You have to look at scope in a different way," he says, in this case referencing the scope of the brain rather than scope of a subway.

In virtual rooms all over Hollywood, writers like the Kings are being asked to rethink what could be feasible once production resumes. Many are waiting to actually tweak their scripts — "I don't want to have to rewrite everything six times while the guidelines change," says Shameless' John Wells — while others are already avoiding or scrubbing crowds, hugs and handshakes. Sex scenes and fight scenes will need to be carefully considered, too, and in some cases reconsidered as storytellers along with their line producers and studio bosses navigate an unknown future.

"What we're telling our writers is 'Don't be dumb,' " says one studio executive, who suggests that an elaborate crowd scene with dozens of extras would surely qualify. "We're not going to be able to shoot it, so don't write it."

Regardless of directives, which vary by studio, more than a dozen producers who spoke with THR say their anxiety lies largely in the uncertainty. "It's very hard when you don't know what the future looks like," says Marta Kauffman, showrunner of Netflix's Grace and Frankie, whose situation is made more complicated by the fact that the youngest of her four leads is 79 years old. She has yet to go back into her scripts and start making the necessary changes, but that's coming, and she's dreading it. "We had scenes at our assisted living facility with a crowd, and, well, we can't do that anymore. And we know we certainly won't be doing lots of kissing with elderly people, but it may have to go beyond that."

Though Kenya Barris' actors are several decades younger than Kauffman's, he's having trouble wrapping his head around how he'll make his Freeform series Grown-ish, which takes place almost entirely on a college campus. "It's literally about a place where people gather," he says, "and you can only do so many [contained] bottle episodes before it starts to lose the tone and feeling of what the show is." Meanwhile, Mythic Quest's Rob McElhenney was smack in the middle of shooting a scene set at the E3 gaming conference when production shut down. "There were literally thousands of people in the audience, and that's not going to happen anytime soon," he says. "So I'm going to have to rewrite it and reshoot it."

The days of doing a dozen extra takes are likely over, laments another producer, and shooting long just to have it, too. In fact, one executive suggests scripts could soon be five or six pages shorter ultimately, to make room in a show's budget for pricey protocols like crew-wide testing. There have been rumblings of putting line producers into writers rooms as well, though writers with any modicum of power are likely to resist additional infringement on the creative process. ("It's a terrible idea unless you have an irresponsible showrunner," says Kauffman.)

Writers will also be asked to lean on fewer characters along with special effects to provide scale. As one producer explains, if a pre-virus scene was set at a backyard birthday party full of children, the post-virus one will have two or three characters sitting around a kitchen table talking about the party — and any flashes to it would largely be CGI.

"The technology that brought you dragons and exploding people is the same technology that will be bringing you ordinary crowd scenes on shows you wouldn't expect [to use] visual effects," says You's Sera Gamble, who suggests CGI will be of little help on her intimate scenes, which she isn't interested in writing out. "We're not at the place in 2020 where we can talk about using visual effects to fake a kiss between [You stars] Penn Badgley and Victoria Pedretti — that's a separate issue and one we have to figure it out."

In recent weeks, writers such as Gamble have been looking abroad to see and study how productions elsewhere are grappling with the same challenges. All eyes are on Australia's long-running soap Neighbours, which announced it's resuming without extras or physical contact between castmembers. The show's producers have said they'll cut away before a kiss or punch, relying on the audience's imagination to do the rest. It's a strategy that some will consider stateside, too, particularly when it comes to intimacy.

Other approaches being discussed involve facilitating separate shoots, which can then be pieced together in post, and quarantining participating talent for 14 days, with testing done regularly, before shooting the scene in full. The actors involved with the latter would have to be OK with that plan, of course. "And if they're not, you're fucked," says one executive, "because you can't force an actor to do something that they're not comfortable with." At least two more predict those kinds of conversations about comfort levels — both general and specific — will start to happen with No. 1's on every call sheet in the coming weeks, if they haven't begun already. And the responses are expected to vary, particularly among the older and more vulnerable set. Regardless of how many safety measures are put in place, there will be some who simply won't feel comfortable and, as one network head warns, some shows could go away as a result.

For the time being, writers seem to be relying on their own gut to guide them. Barris, for instance, won't be writing in handshakes anytime soon, since he cringes every time he sees one on TV now. "I'd be less offended if you came up and cupped my girl's boob than shook her hand," he jokes. Curb Your Enthusiasm boss Jeff Schaffer agrees: "The handshake is gone," he says, "it's the VHS of salutations." And McElhenney's partner, Megan Ganz, reveals she'll be editing out a pre-pandemic line in which Mythic Quest's lead characters are asked, in response to their slacking, "What have you been doing for the past six months?" because it no longer feels right.

Studio and network execs must rethink their choices, too: Some are looking to their own libraries for contained shows that might be worth rebooting, while others are exploring potential series add-ons where only a couple of characters are needed. Working in their collective favor is an overwhelming desire among most casts and crews to get back to work. Says Black-ish showrunner Courtney Lilly, "If [our show] ends up being a one-act play for 21 minutes between two characters so that people can work and America can see characters they like onscreen doing something that isn't a repeat, we're going to find a way to do it."

It's a sentiment shared by many — just not all. Robert King falls among the skeptics: "Oh my God, network shows can't be made more boring," he says, horrified by the notion of having to scale Evil or The Good Fight down to a series of two- or three-character scenes. "You need to find ways that are visually interesting and inspired, and if you start limiting things, it'll just be, 'Why do I want to watch that? I'll wait for the newest Netflix thing that's shot in Hungary or somewhere where they will let people sit on each other's laps.' I just think everybody needs to calm the fuck down and not write with the idea of limitations in mind — or [at least] not as the guiding force."

[joecial-distancing]

2019 in review in review:

A few years ago I started tracking yearly goals, books read, movies watched etc in a year, along with overview blurbs, in private posts. End of 2019/beginning of 2020 I was really frazzled/burned out about a lot of stuff and just never finished up making the thing. 8 months later, got the urge to read back what I’d got done, then figured I’d maybe go ahead and see about finishing. 

Media tracking below the break. thoughts/blurbs written in 2020 italicized, 2019 not.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_____________________________~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Didn’t do so hot on explicit personal goals, but had a lot of stuff go ok around them this year.

School’s been fine/better than fine.

Job’s probably the biggest failing. Still with same job, haven’t made the firm moves to jump off, dragging my feet too much on exploring stuff w/ Columbia/NASA GISS.

Did not get better with covid, lol

Dating life still non-existent, but I’ve registered on apps, gotten more comfortable with selfies, improved general social life dramatically, been flirted with, updated my wardrobe, and generally started to get comfortable accepting that I’m a hot person.

Somehow got extremely better during covid.

Books

Grant (finished)

We stan a taurus legend

Guy was good at exactly one job, and was fortunate enough to have been in the right place/right time to get to do it.

Mort (discworld)

Definitely best discworld I’ve gotten to so far.

Don Quixote p. II

Really entertaining in a way that part 1 wasn’t; I was shocked how much the meta element landed for me.

Consider the Lobster (DFW collection)

had zero context on who DFW is/was when I read, and still don’t exactly tbh. Wanted to wait for a pause in The Discourse before diving into more of him, but dunno if I’m ever going to get that.

Crime and Punishment (revisited)

Weirdly didn’t get much more out of this than I did the first time I’d read it

Better Than Sex (HST Gonzo papers)

Xerox/widespread fax accessibility opening citizen access to mass media in a manner really reminiscent of what social media would go on to do at a much larger scale. Has a much more deliberate narrative arc than the other gonzo papers collections, also has that excellent HST richard nixon eulogy

The Brothers Karamazov

SPQR

Slouching Towards Bethlehem (Didion collection)

Pet Sematary

Not my favorite King, but not bad

Sourcery (discworld)

still funny/charming, but Mort really made clear/reminded me how much the hapless sadsack Rincewind mold of protagonist wears on me after a while.

The Devil's Teeth

My Year of Rest and Relaxation

Liked it a lot more once I realized it was doing a Fear and Loathing thing.

Homage to Catalonia

This should be the Orwell that gets taught in schools. Make it a followup to All Quiet on the Western Front or something, jeez.

Lyndon Johnson I

Having now finished all of them, this one’s probably the least-interesting but sets up a bunch of important context that the others still then feel the need to retread.

The Razor's Edge

Recommended to me as a ��white guy discovers eastern mysticism” book, but also is more interesting in its treatment of that than I’d expected (helps it was written in the 40s). 

Cat's Cradle

There’s a part in this where Vonnegut’s making fun of people who try to bond with strangers over being Hoosiers, and my dumbass immediate thought was “ooh, Vonnegut’s a hoosier? Me too!”

Lyndon Johnson II

Robert Caro felt compelled to apologize for spending so much words lionizing Coke Stevens, segregationist opponent to Johnson’s senate run. His goal was pretty clearly to show lbj’s lack of campaign charisma by contrast, definitely definitely overcommitted in his own narrativising.

Libra

I want to go back to this after reading some more De Lillo.

Gravity's Rainbow

This book absolutely kicked my ass

Overstuffed and referential in a specific way that really keeps me hooked in instead of put off. When I learn about some piece of cultural context that I retroactively recognize as being referenced in this, I want to go back and reread the entire thing.

From Caligari to Hitler

Kind of fails both as film criticism and cultural analysis, but absolutely made me want to run for the hills when considering current relationship between mainstream movies and demands of pop culture.

I took a class on Weimar cinema in undergrad that I now realize was probably biting pretty heavily from this and never once referenced it.

Movies

Venom

Movie itself is not as fun as the Tom Hardy hype coverage. PG13 was the absolute worst space to aim for, PG- or R- versions of this could have been a blast.

Harryhauser Argonauts

Was tripping when I put this on, and it was all kinds of fun.

2001: a Space Oddyssey

First time seeing this, all-time classic for a reason!

A Good American (the NSA doc)

Dr. Strangelove

Mel Brooks History of the World p. I

Not my favorite Brooks, best joke was at the beginning.

In Bruges

Had been a while since I saw a proper dark comedy.

Spiderverse

Fukkin awesome!

Visually great, and extremely better than usual superhero stuff for being aimed at PG instead of PG-13.

You Only Live Twice

Highlander (Revisited)

I watched The Old Guard on netflix recently and it mostly just made me wish I was watching Highlander instead, because at least Highlander knows exactly how goofy it is

Moonraker

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Much like The Shining, I though this would have been 100% spoiled for me by cultural osmosis, but turns out it wasn’t, and even the scenes I had seen *totally landed* in-context still.

Kung Fu Hustle

Ichi the Killer

Really gross, really fun

Matrix Reloaded (watched thru highway scene) (Revisited)

The highway scene was not nearly as cool as I remembered it being.

John Wick 3*

Probably dumbest plot of all of them, best choreography. I like how every single fight had its own distinct flavor. “Knife museum fight” “horse fight” “halle berry dogs fight” 

Akira

A classic

Pet Sematary * (ugh, bad)

Why can’t john lithgow be in good movies anymore

The Revenant

MCU Spiderman

Fuck this was awful.

MCU Spiderman 2*

Really weird, complete Rorschach Test of a movie: it’d be totally valid to read into this that global warming is Fake News, for instance.

Lmao this was completely awful

Rites

Dredd (non-stallone)

oh hey Lena Headey’s in this

For All Mankind!

Watched in honor of moon landing anniversary

Lion King *

Watched it way too stoned, was like dark side of the moon + wizard of oz except instead it’s a lion king script reading + nature footage edited for lip syncing.

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood *

Many scenes of very long setups for really stupid shaggy dog jokes, which sometimes worked and sometimes didn’t. I do kinda want to rewatch now knowing more about manson, which I knew pretty much nothing about beforehand

Blowout

A good john lithgow movie

also I think I like travolta in things.

Lord of War

A Good cage movie

I like when Eamon Walker shows up in stuff.

Taxi Driver

A classic

Snowpiercer

Watched in a bar with only one speaker working, which is the correct way to watch. Weirder and funnier than I thought it was going to be, which still doesn’t make it good, but,

dbz big green dub

Exorcist III

Brad Dourif just tearing it apart

Deep Red (argento)

Suspiria (1977)

Watched the remake in 2020, which was ok, but nothing tops the Goblin score.

Elf Bowling

Thanks, Gnome

Parasite *

Interesting to me that this one seems poised to hang around people’s good esteem for a while

TV

FMA: B

Rick & Morty

Saw some episodes, generally pretty funny, some misanthropy that’s probably appealing to a certain type of teen al a something like House, but ultimately I don’t totally Get the intensity of discourse about it.

Leterkenny

Mob Psycho 100

One Punch Man

Deadwood

Watchmen

Only watched like half of it. Was playing around with a lot of hefty imagery/thematics, but didn’t really seem ready to rise above playing (tho also I feel like it’s weird on some level to *expect* them to rise above that in the first place)

Music

New Avantasia

HEALTH/ show

lol remember concerts

King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard/ show

Just learned about King Gizz in 2019 and got completely obsessed with them. I don’t tend to expand my music selection very readily, and a lot of what I currently *do* know is old/inactive stuff, so it was/is incredibly exciting to have an active group with good momentum just immediately win me over like that.

Mistimed the edibles and ended up with a really good finale and a really long subway ride home.

New Yeasayer

Sad they split up

Steve Wilson Tull remixes

Aqualung’s a good album and the sound mixing’s kinda bad, so I liked this project.

Stonefield

Opened for Gizzard. Really good as studying music

Video Games

Civ VI: Gathering Storm

Hades

Turns out Supergiant’s design proclivities all work *extremely well* on a roguelike

Baba is You

Untitled Goose Game

Cute, if maybe a bit overhyped

finally fucking finished Pillars of Eternity

Had fun with it, but too long, and really dour for how long it is.

Pillars II

Kinda drifted off it eventually, but I do genuinely like that the flavor of the fantasy is colonial era rather than medieval.

There’s a Balancing Bastard Factions element where it’s like the writers are just being smartasses after a while. Having to go extremely out of their way to make siding with colonizers seem like a competitive option.

Pokemon shield

Cuphead

pisses me off, which was a nice outlet when I was stranded by flight cancellations during thanksgiving

Celeste

Also very difficult, but really easy to stay patient with, which is nice.

Disco Elysium

None of the discourse made me want to play this, but people talking about the mechanical stuff it did got me extremely interested. Mostly Delivered IMO.

Breath of the Wild

You can approach the nodes of the main quest in the order you choose, and the second one I chose made ninjas start fucking spawning everywhere when I’m just trying to explore, and there’s no way to make it stop. May go back to it one day.

Podcasts

Relentless Picnic Patreon feed

The treats really helped me start distinguishing individual personalities, compared to the regular eps.

Picnic Discord!

<3

FatT Counterweight

Fun, but also I think Mechs are not my shit.

FatT Spring in Hieron/ end of that particular world

8 months since I’ve last tuned into FatT. ah well.

Law School

He’s in everythiiiing!

You Must Remember This: Manson family

*There’s* the context

Misc.

Kindle train guy

Times Square sleeping guy + kids taking selfies w/ him

toddler singing along after Psycho killer (a, ya, ya ya, ya)

drunk and dragged to a drag show

Central park football family

Soft Steel Drum Subway Busker

Weird old lady going to grand central for oysters

2018 in review (cards):

MySelf (CC)

Self: Tower

Blocked: 10 Cups

Ethereal/subconscious: 8 Swords

Material: 3 Swords

Past: Justice

Future: Page Wands

Attitude: Sun

External: King Swords

Hopes/Fears: 5 Coins

Trajectory: High Priestess

Also Self:

Hierophant

7 Cups

7 Coins

Blind Spot:

(self & others): 5 cups    ||    (others not self): High Priestess

(self not others): Moon   ||    (nobody): 3 Cups

[inspired-by-the-music]

Kai

requests are encouraged! please read my guidelines before submitting your request

Genre: university!au, features Sehun and Chanyeol as the reader’s longtime friends & SHINee’s Taemin as Jongin’s best friend (bc i never stop being taemin trash lol). not really fluff or angst, but happy endings abound!

Word Count: 3,140

Note: this is an idea i’ve been developing for a while. it ended up being pretty long because it’s about one of my favorite themes: inaccurate reputations.this is an idea i explored in depth in my bts social media Any Other Name, which is referenced as a novel in this story. please enjoy!

As far as you could tell from your first month at your new university, there was only one rule: avoid the boy named Kai. Your roommate, a girl named Soo-ah, introduced you to an anonymous girls-only blog that meticulously detailed dramatic confrontations between other students. In short, it was a gossip website; however, instead of discussing the lives of celebrities, it was devoted entirely to exposing students. And the general consensus from the website and Soo-ah was that Kai was nothing short of a monster. 

“Apparently, he likes to befriend girls before breaking their hearts,” Soo-ah told you, her eyes burning with rage. 

“But broken hearts are kind of a part of dating,” you observed quietly. It seemed wrong to hate some guy you never met, regardless of how many anonymous people swore they were moved to tears by his behavior. 

“Didn’t you read any of that stuff I told you?” Soo-ah held her phone out to you once more. “He only likes for girls like us to stroke his ego, then he’ll drop up like we’re worthless.”

“But how do you know? We don’t even know who any of these people are—” You set her phone down on the end of your bed when she refused to accept it. “And they don’t include his last name or even a picture, so how would we even know if we saw him?”

“You would know Kai if you saw him,” she answered vaguely. Eyeing you suspiciously, she snatched her phone off of your blanket. “And why are you so determined to believe he’s such a good guy? Do you know him or something? Has he already gotten to you?”

A furious blush rose to your cheeks at her accusation, and you shied against the wall at your back. “No, I don’t know him, and I’m not determined to believe anything about anybody. Would you feel better if I was afraid of every boy in the school named Kai?”

“Honestly?” Soo-ah glared, “Yeah.” And when your stare clearly indicated that you were uncomfortable, she smiled and added, “You know— just so you’re safe.”

. . . 

When you recapped the conversation to Sehun the next day over lunch, he stared at you blankly. “You mean to tell me that the girls have a whole website where they post what they really think about guys?”

Rolling your eyes, you ripped a used page out of your notebook and threw it at him. “Focus, Sehun.”

“I am focused.” Sehun hurled the paper at your face, but you ducked. “We’ll talk about your weird roommate after you tell me if my name is anywhere on that blog.”

“I don’t know, I didn’t look for you.” You picked the balled paper off of the ground as you answered. “Besides, to be on there, I think you have to be some kind of affront to women.”

“Oh,” Sehun nodded. “Well, I’m a total gentleman.” Satisfied with your mocking laugh, Sehun said, “Anyway, are you sure that your roommate doesn’t have some kind of grudge against this Kai dude— or whatever his name is?”

You shrugged, “I have no idea— I literally just met her a week ago when I moved in.”

Sehun shook his head at you. “Seriously, Y/N, that girl could be a psychopath for all you know. I told you to just move in with me and Chanyeol—”

“Excuse me, I only finally escaped you two when you went off to college.” You teased, biting your cheek to avoid laughing. “You know, I didn’t even want to transfer here, but the scholarship—”

Sehun kicked you under the table. “Cut it out, punk. Chanyeol’s heart would break if he heard you.” He scolded as if he weren’t pouting himself. 

“Fine, fine. Anyway, I didn’t tell you everything so you could analyze Soo-ah or convince me to move in. Is any of that stuff about Kai true?”

As he shrugged, Sehun wrinkled his eyebrows. “How would I know? I don’t know anyone named Kai.” Then, more gently, he advised, “But Y/N, maybe don’t take a risk on someone with a bad reputation, ya know?”

Your tongue clicked in frustration. “No— I don’t know, actually. I mean, what if I listened to everyone in high who said you were a bully because of your resting bitch face—”

“Don’t play with me, Y/N, I know you had a crush on me and my mean eyebrows—”

Groaning, you complained, “Okay, first of all, literally nothing is sacred with Chanyeol.” Once Sehun finished laughing, you continued, “Second of all, that was back when I was a freshman and you actually seemed cool.”

“All these excuses.” Sehun smirked as he leaned across the table to ruffle your hair. Leaning back, he abandoned his jokes, and said, “Seriously, though, don’t be too naive. I know we think Soo-ah is a weirdo, but maybe she has some history with that guy, and she’s trying to protect you.”

Again, you refused to accept Sehun’s opinion that you should just be cautious. “But she didn’t even tell me who he is. And the blog calls him Kai— like some nickname.”

“Or a codename,” Sehun suggested. “Look, I’ve been to a lot of parties—”

“Is this really the time to brag about your social life?”

“ — Shut up! Anyway, I know almost everyone here, and nobody in my grade is named Kai. So maybe it’s just like a fake name everyone on the blog knows someone as?”

Your brow furrowed as you tried to rub the headache out of your temples. “But why warn me if nobody is going to tell me who to fear? The more I think about it, the more I think this is just some clever way for people to gossip.”

“Yeah? Well, welcome to college.” Realizing how troubled you were, Sehun recommended, “Don’t pry if you think it’s just girls being catty. What’s the point of going through the effort of finding out who the hell Kai is if they’re just venting?”

“Because it’s not fair for him to have a bad reputation if he didn’t do anything wrong.” You were about to begin your rant anew when your phone buzzed, signalling an incoming text. “Sorry, I gotta meet someone in the library. Group projects are so inconvenient. 

“Yeah, don’t lie to me about meeting other guys, Y/N, it confuses me about the true nature of your feelings.” It would have been impossible to know that Sehun was joking if you lacked the years of experience in noting the slight upward twitch of his lips. “You’re coming to the party tonight, right?”

You nodded, “Yeah, sure. I have nothing else to do.”

“Obviously.” Sehun laughed when you shoved his shoulder. “Go ahead and invite your boyfriend so Chanyeol and I can run him off.”

. . . 

Jongin was the only person who made a good impression that first month of classes— well, aside from his friend Taemin. As far as you could tell, the had to be the most popular guys on campus, judging by the whispers and stares that followed them everywhere. What were the odds, you wondered, that two seemingly perfect people would be inseparable best friends?

It was surprising to find him waiting for you alone in the library, since it was your first time seeing him without Taemin. 

“Hey.” Jongin greeted you with a warm smile, just as he had on the first day of class.

While people obviously initially admired him for his stunning appearance, Jongin’s personality was more worthy of appreciation. And you knew it was silly to be yet another girl whose heart raced for him, but you couldn’t help it. 

You returned his smile as you sat. “Hey.” 

“So,” he raised the assigned novel, “what did you think of the book?”

“Actually, that was, like, my thousandth time reading Any Other Name,” you admitted bashfully. “It was my favorite book in high school.”

Jongin’s jaw dropped. “No way! It’s my favorite book too!” His excited volume attracted several hisses from nearby students and the assistant librarian. While his cheeks turned scarlet, he flipped his book open and displayed the colorful annotations. “It’s a little embarrassing, but I did most of this before the book was even assigned for that contemporary literature class.”

Hours slipped away as you and Jongin discussed your favorite parts of the novel. By the time you finished the project, and took a few selfies, and made plans to watch Any Other Name’s film adaptation, the sun had set. A quick glance at your phone confirmed that you were running late for the party. 

 Sehun had only been joking about you inviting Jongin, but at this point you were confident that he enjoyed hanging out with you, and you weren’t ready for your heart to calm. “You know, I’m about to go to a party at my best friends’ place. You may know them— Sehun and Chanyeol?”

“Yeah,” Jongin nodded. “I know them.” He laughed as he rubbed at the back of his neck and admitted, “And I know their parties are a little wild.”

You dismissed his concerns by explaining, “They’ve been my best friends since high school, that’s the only reason I’m going.” You blushed as you realized that he was likely politely rejecting you. “Ah— actually, it’s okay if you don’t wanna go—”

“Wait, you’re inviting me to go with you?” 

Had it not been obvious? Jongin smiled when you nodded. “Okay, Y/N, I’ll go, and I’ll look out for you.” And he took your hand in his and allowed you to lead him out of the library. 

. . . 

The party was a chaotic blur. Evidently, Sehun decided to invite everyone he knew, resulting in little space to move and booming volumes. While the environment prevented a continuation of your earlier conversation, it didn’t discourage Jongin from remaining at your side throughout the evening, acting as your date and protector from the boisterous guests. 

Sehun nudged you as he passed you near the blaring stereo and teased, “I can’t believe you actually brought him.”

And Sehun wasn’t the only person suspended in disbelief. You would have to be blind to miss the stares, which you attributed to envy considering Jongin’s popularity. Until the following morning, after Jongin escorted you to your dorm, when Soo-ah shoved her phone into your hand again, you didn’t consider that Jongin’s reputation could be more sinister. 

“I told you to stay away from him.’ Soo-ah reminded— as if you could ever forget— while you examined the pictures displayed on her phone. They depicted you and Jongin dancing at the party. 

“This doesn’t make any sense— his name isn’t even Kai.”

Yet the caption clearly read: ‘Kai picks his newest prey. Don’t be naive!’ and linked to Jongin’s account, where he had posted the pictures of you from the library. So it was as Sehun suggested; Kai was an alias for Jongin. 

It wasn’t that you trusted Soo-ah or distrusted Jongin— so why was there a sudden sharp ache in your chest? Why was your stomach suddenly in knots? You didn’t know him well enough to suffer a broken heart, so your discomfort had to be caused by the embarrassment of having your pictures spread among anonymous strangers. 

All you knew for certain was that nothing could come from confiding your feelings in your roommate, so you returned her phone and resolved to remain silent. 

. . . 

You spent the weekend trying to interpret your feelings alone without much success. When Chanyeol collapsed into the desk next to you and stole a concerned glance, you finally realized how deeply confused and upset you were by the entire ordeal. 

“Hey Y/N, what’s the matter?” To comfort you, Chanyeol dug a cereal bar out of his bag and tossed it onto your desk. “Something happen with that guy you brought to the party?”

And you should have known better than to recount the situation to Chanyeol in that ten minutes before class; Taemin sat in the back corner of the classroom, and anything he heard would be repeated to Jongin. However, at Chanyeol’s compassionate provocation, you explained everything. 

Like Sehun, Chanyeol fixated on what you considered a minor detail. “You mean you’ve managed to find the only guy in the world who’s obsessed with your favorite book?”

“That’s what you picked up on?”

“It’s just— it sounds like you really like him. And it sounds like he really likes you. And you have the same interests. And it’s dumb that you’re letting some stupid gossip blog ruin everything.”

“I didn’t say I didn’t like him anymore.” You glanced over your shoulder to make sure Taemin wasn’t listening; and when you were satisfied that he was listening to music, you continued, “I’m just not sure I’m okay with people taking my picture and talking about me just because I hang out with some guy.”

“Well, Y/N,” Chanyeol studied your expression as he leaned back in his chair, “If you really like him and you don’t believe what your creepy roommate says about him, maybe just avoid that website.”

Before you could respond, the professor began his lecture. 

Maybe Chanyeol was right. You could easily forget about the blog, since you only knew about it and read it when Soo-ah was forcing you to read it. But could you really ignore the real world scrutiny? Even as you took notes, you lost count of how many girls turned around to stare. 

If this was how they were acting after a weekend of ignoring all of Jongin’s texts, how could you believe everything would go back to normal if you swore off involvement with him? And, perhaps more importantly, why should you live to please a bunch of strangers? 

As an act of defiance when that girl in front of you glared at you once more, you yanked your phone out of your book bag to ask Jongin to meet you to lunch, and you didn’t try to hide your smile when he immediately replied. 

After class, Chanyeol rubbed your arm on the way out. “Everything will be okay. And if your roommate doesn’t back off, you can always stay with me and Sehun.”

You only nodded before heading to the campus cafeteria. A few steps later, a delicate voice called your name. 

“Y/N?” It was Taemin, approaching you with a gentle grin. “Um, no matter what anyone says, Jongin really likes you. Don’t tell him I told you, but he’s had a crush on you since the first day of school, and he had a lot of fun with you the other day. So maybe don’t believe everything you read online.”

“You mean—” Your voice dropped below a whisper as you were almost too nervous to ask, “You mean you know what everyone says about him?”

Taemin nodded before confessing, “Yeah, we know what everyone says about us. They’ve been talking forever. But please don’t believe it.”

As relieved as you were to learn that your instincts were right, you were more consumed by sympathy for Jongin and Taemin. Despite the growing guilt of ignoring Jongin because of unfair rumors, you smiled softly at Taemin. “Don’t worry. I don’t believe it.”

Bearing that in mind, an apology tumbled out of your mouth the moment you found Jongin waiting for you at a table by the window. He already bought both of your meals and set your food at the space opposite him. 

“For what?” He smiled at you, evidently determined to believe that you hadn’t deliberately avoided him all weekend.  

You sat down and began, “I’m sorry I heard rumors about you— I didn’t even know they were about you—”

Jongin took your hand in his to interrupt your rant. “Y/N, don’t worry about it. I know all about that Kai stuff. Honestly, when you were actually nice to me and invited me to that party, I guessed you just hadn’t heard anything.” A frown yanked at his lips as he concluded, “I knew it was just a matter of time before you heard that I’m apparently some kind of jerk and decided to distance yourself.”

You appeared to have forgotten how to speak until Jongin released your hand and stood to dismiss himself. “I didn’t believe them—” You blurted as you grabbed his hand and tugged him back toward the table. “I didn’t believe the rumors before I knew they were about you. Before I even liked you.”

He stilled and sank back into his seat. “Really?” He narrowed his eyes at you curiously. 

“Really,” you repeated. “It was just an instinct. But if you don’t mind me asking, why do they call you Kai? And why are people so determined to talk about you?”

“They’ve just always talked about me.” Jongin shrugged; it must be a part of life he accepted long ago, but that acceptance didn’t lessen his frown. “I don’t know why they call me a womanizer; I’ve never even dated a girl. I remember when Taemin had his first girlfriend, the other girls were so mean to her; I didn’t want anyone to go through that because of me. I really hoped things would change when I got to college, but— well, I’ve been here for a full four years, and people still whisper behind my back.”

Then, rather stupidly, you asked, “You still don’t date?” as if all you could think of was becoming Jongin’s first girlfriend. 

Thankfully, he chuckled and you could release the anxious breath you were holding. “Nope. Until quite recently, I didn’t attract anyone I really liked. Actually— until this week, I didn’t attract anyone who actually liked me for more than my face.”

In a feeble attempt to distract from your deepening blush and an earnest effort to console Jongin, you said, “Well— for everyone who chose to believe rumors rather than get to know you, it’s their loss. Your kindness is way more impressive than your face, and you’re beautiful so that’s really saying something.”

Jongin caught his bottom lip with his teeth to keep from smiling, but the corners of his lips curved upward anyway. “Thank you. And to answer your other question, I went by Kai in high school. The girl who runs the blog, Soo-ah, ran it in high school too, and I guess she hasn’t stopped thinking of me as Kai even though I’ve been running from that name because of her.”

“Damn.” Your jaw clenched in anger as Jongin placed the final piece of the puzzle in your mind. “I hate when Sehun is right. My roommate is a psychopath.”

And, on a less infuriating but still annoying note, Sehun also accurately predicted that you would have to move in with him and Chanyeol— at least if you wanted to date Jongin without enduring daily rants from your deranged roommate.

[lanternburning19]

My (Romantic) Interpretation of Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince

First, we should introduce the characters of the story.

Miss Americana: Taylor. From the very beginning of her career, Taylor was dubbed America's Sweetheart and was branded to be a role model. She avoided talking about sex, showing off her body, and was not shown drinking or partying. She loved (and still loves) being a role model. She is kind, polite, charismatic and has an air of dignity about her. She also is not shy about her love for her country. Her 4th of July parties were highly publicized and has been a big advocate for exercising the right to vote ever since 2008. She is Miss Americana.

But then 2016 happened. And her reputation did a 180. She went from the friendly girl next door to the calculative mean girl. People were routing for her career to die. She went from America's Sweetheart to America's Most Hated.

The Heartbreak Prince: Joe. Rumors say that Joe used to be a huge playboy and never had a serious relationship until Taylor. This is echoed in Taylor's lyrics.

"Maybe you ran with the wolves and refused to settle down"

"Do the girls back home touch you like I do?"

"I don't want to be just another ex-love you don't want to see"

It's interesting to me that Joe gets the royal title of "Prince" but Taylor is just "Miss". This alludes to Joe being British and being under a representative monarchy government, where America is not.

Now into the story:

You know I adore you

The song starts out with a declaration of Taylor's love. This ties in with the theme of the Lover album.

Crazier for you

Than I was at sixteen

Lost in a film scene

I believe this is referring to when Taylor first started her career. She was 16 when her first single dropped. While she wasn't in the acting business, she was still in the world of celebrity. Realizing her dreams with her first single and album doing well, she must've felt as if she was walking a cloud, or "lost in a film scene".

Waving homecoming queens

Marching band playing

These lines do two things at once for me. First, they remind me of the You Belong With Me music video in which Taylor plays a high schooler in marching band. Second, these lines evoke a feeling of victory. Homecoming queens usually wave to the student body after being crowned. Marching bands strike up when their team scores. YBWM was a huge hit for Taylor early in her career, and continuing from the previous lines, her early successes probably made her feel victorious.

I'm lost in the lights

The very last line of the first verse takes a sudden turn. The way Taylor sings this is very different from how she sings "lost in a film scene". When she sings "I'm lost in the lights" she sounds breathless and scared. She is no longer feeling the joy of being crowned homecoming queen or the excitement of your team earning a touchdown. She's not lost in the wonderment of it all, she's lost and scared. She got lost in the fame.

American glory

Faded before me

In this verse, we learn that Taylor is scared because her shining moments, her victories, her happiness is slipping away from her. She did not purposely push it away. It faded like a ghost, slipped out of her grasp.

It is interesting that Taylor links homecoming and football games to "American glory". While homecoming may seem like a tradition, it is distinctly an American high school thing.

Now I'm feeling hopeless

Ripped up my prom dress

Running through rose thorns

This is imagery of Taylor wearing a prom dress, and this immediately takes me back to earlier in her career when she used to wear princess-y dresses on tour. She also wore a prom dress in the YBWM music video. And that very same dress was repurposed for the Fearless Tour's performance of Love Story (calling back to the Lover theme).

Taylor ripped up her prom dress. How is unclear to me, because of the lack of punctuation in song lyrics. Is it "Ripped up my prom dress. Running through rose thorns..." Or is it "Ripped up my prom dress running through rose thorns". Did she purposely rip it herself or did it get accidentally torn by the roses?

If she ripped it up herself, it could be symbolic of her wanting to distance herself from the music business, from the fame, from the plastic Party-City homecoming queen crowns. But I don't think that's the case.

It is more likely the dress was ripped unintentionally. The rose thorns seems to be a call back to the line "Rose garden filled with thorns" in Blank Space. This line means that nothing is as it seems. What looks nice and pretty can actually hurt you. The life of celebrity looked pretty to Taylor at first. She wanted to be "lost in the film scene" with all the glory that a homecoming football game brings. But the industry ended up hurting her.

I am, of course, talking about 2016 when Taylor's reputation went from America's Sweetheart to a "snake". She was on top of the world with a hugely successful album and world tour, but became overexposed because of that success. Suddenly, people who posed as her "squad" on the red carpet started turning against her. Ex-friends and ex-lovers who usually kept to themselves started bashing Taylor all over social media. Longtime fans who had bought every album couldn't stop saying bad things about her. Her social media accounts were flooded with hate comments. The media thrived off of using her downfall as a headline.

I saw the score board

And ran for my life

Shortly after this chaos started, Taylor took a step back from the spotlight. She stopped posting of social media, releasing new music, doing interviews, attending award shows. She disappeared.

No cameras catch my pageant smile

With her avoiding the media, the paparazzi couldn't take new pictures of her "pageant" or fake smile.

I counted days

I counted miles

To see you there

To see you there

It's been a long time coming but

It's you and me

That's my whole world

The "you" here is the Heartbreak Prince, or her love. Taylor went through many hard days before she was able to find love.

They whisper in the hallway "she's a bad, bad girl"

This line evokes an image of teenagers gossiping in a high school hallway. So we're back to the high school theme.

The "bad girl" is referencing Taylor's bad reputation that was mentioned earlier. But it also could be referencing her dating life. Taylor was mocked for years for having a rocky dating life. People would joke that men should stay away from Taylor. Taylor is comparing people who spread rumors to immature teenagers.

The whole school is rolling fake dice

The "school" is Hollywood. People obsessed with fame are fake.

You play stupid games

You win stupid prizes

The students at this metaphorical school are focused on the wrong thing. They risk cheating (fake dice) to win a game that in the end, doesn't yield you a fulfilling prize.

It's you and me

There's nothing like this

Miss Americana and The Heartbreak Prince

But Taylor isn't focused on those "little games" (Look What You Made Me Do) anymore. She's focused on someone that really matters to her.

It's so sad

We paint the town blue

Instead of painting the town red in celebration, they paint the town blue. This line reminds me of how Taylor and Joe painted Patrick's room blue together.

Voted most likely to run away with you

To me, this line is referring to how Taylor has jetted off to different parts of the world to be with Joe.

My team is losing

Battered and bruising

I see the high fives

Between the bad guys

Again, we get another visual of a high school football game. Taylor's team is down and others are celebrating her defeat. This reminds me of the Taylor Swift is Over Party, where people were celebrating the end of her career.

Leave with my head hung

You are the only one

Who seems to care

With the whole world seemingly against Taylor, it must've been a relief to meet someone who actually cared about her feelings.

American stories

Burning before me

This feels to me like a reference to Fahrenheit 451, which is about a dystopian society and the effects of mass media. Miss Americana has crumbled. Her glory days have been burned to the ground without any hope of recovery. Mass media and social media played a part in this.

Instead of just repeating "American glory" Taylor chooses to use "American stories" instead. Perhaps it's because no one wanted to believe her side of the story of things. Her truth was ignored.

I'm feeling helpless

The damsels are distressed

If boys will be boys

Then where are the wise men

Darling, I'm scared

The "damsels in distress" reference flows nicely after the mention of stories. Taylor is feeling like a damsel in distress, but no one is coming to save her.

"Boys will be boys" is an expression often said when a young boy acts reckless to excuse their behavior. Perhaps Taylor is waiting for her knight in shining armor, but he has abandoned her to go do something else. Everyone is excusing his behavior but blaming Taylor.

"If boys will be boys, then where are the wise men?" Is one of my favorite lines Taylor's ever written. If men are all off doing stupid shit, then who's the smart one around here? Where are all the men when it's their time to save the damsel in distress?

No cameras catch

My muffled cries

I counted days

I counted miles

To see you there

This could be referring to a long distance relationship. Miss Americana is going through some hard times, as described in the last 2 verses. But her Prince is not there to comfort her. So she has to hold out for a while.

And now the storm is coming but

It's you and me...

There are much more difficulties that lie ahead of the couple. I love how the last word of the verse is "but". and then it leads in to the romantic chorus. It's going to be hard, BUT, we have each other.

And I don't want you to go

I don't really wanna fight

Because nobody's gonna win

The last words of these lines are a standard cheer for high school football teams. The cheerleaders will yell "Go! Fight! Win!" to encourage the team.

Fighting is mentioned a few times in Lover, in songs like Afterglow, ME!, and The Archer. But in each song, Taylor sings about fighting with remorse. She doesn't want to fight with her loved ones or turn against them. Nobody's going to win in the end of the fight because they'll both be without each other.

And I'll never let you go

Because I know this is a fight

That someday we're gonna win

The last part of the bridge keeps the "Go! Fight! Win!" motif but changed the lyrics so that instead of fighting against each other, it's about fighting for each other. They might face some hardships but they'll be alright if they stick together. This song is an encouragement of their relationship.

In the end, Miss Americana became America's Most Hated and The Heartbreak Prince settled down with someone to love.

[daesungindistress]

A message I received today (she wanted it published):

“Hi! I was browsing the bigbang tag here when i found your account and I had a pretty interesting evening reading your blog! Imagine my surprise when I found out you were the RcA of carnivores...... i was surprised then not at all because I remember writing you a monstrously long review then you replying me with an even longer reply XD In that spirit, I shall give my 2 cents

i saw your various posts about seungrigate, in particular the hyungline's prophecizing abilities. To preface this, I don't support Seungri and I'm not a OT5 stan but I think these videos, while chilling to watch in the aftermath of seungrigate events, have become overblown in some sort of Bigbang history revisionism

The truth is, if GD really thought Seungri was going to go to jail, or had any side illegal activities, he definitely wouldn't have aired his views in front of cameras, in a DVD recording available to everyone. Similar reasoning to every other incidence of 'prophecizing' the hyungs did. If the hyungs really suspected Seungri's club was out drugging and raping women, the stupidest way to have resolved it would have been to take it to TV. Not to mention how suddenly chilling it is if the hyungs actually did know and were complicit in the crimes, which I feel like a lot of these prophecy video retweeters don't consider.

At best, they thought (and I too thought at that time) that Seungri was maybe making bad money decisions, Lee Sangmin style.

I think its comforting to think the signs were always there, that the hyungs warned him but he didn't listen, that their relationships were fraught because of the whole Seungri never eats with us memes, that he was never a good person and he showed it all along but the fans shoved their head under the sand. But to characterize him as a 2D villain so that we don't have to struggle to reconcile the person we idolized before, and the crimes he's accused of now is only a disservice to us.

Seungri wasn't the only one who skipped out on dinners- TOP had that habit before Seungri, and i think it was even mentioned in Healing Camp (the whole gold medal thing). Seungri did like and love his hyungs unless he was the world's best actor. He talked Jiyong through things in 2009 when Jiyong read the comments asking him to comment suicide and cried on phone. He cried on Jiyong for 20 minutes in 2012 because he was disappointed in a hyung he idolized letting him down with the marijuana scandal. He texted Daesung within one minute on that Japanese show when he said he needed help, and cheered him up when he was dying of nerves before his concert. He saved Todae from getting hit by fireworks in Malaysia by physically hauling them away. When TOP was represented by a tower in variety shows, Seungri blatantly mentioned his name in Radio Star when everyone pretended he didn't exist. The kid we knew existed. It's just that there was another, more insidious side to him too. This is NOT a defence of Seungri, I just think there's been a lot of revisionism going on lately, about his character and his relationship with the band. Seungri is a shitty criminal, but sadly a criminal who did love his hyungs and fans in some way. Not everything that happened in the last 12 years is fake.

i remember feeling very grateful when Seungri showed up in Act 3 Motte and hugged Jiyong and Jiyong smiled for the first time in that whole damn tour. Jiyong loved that boy, and mentioned he was family to him so many times. Jiyong was the most attached to Seungri IMO (I guess since they were roommates back then and all), but Taeyang called him up in the military when he only had one call, forgoing his own damn wife. I think, the truly heartbreaking thing about this, is that Seungri was loved by his hyungs, and he did love his hyungs too.”

***

Do you know how many asks it would have taken to get this message to me had you gone that route after all? LOL, alright, here’s my reply (some of which will be behind a cut to save y’all’s dashboards). I’ll quote the parts I want to address in italics.

“The truth is, if GD really thought Seungri was going to go to jail, or had any side illegal activities, he definitely wouldn't have aired his views in front of cameras, in a DVD recording available to everyone.”

That's what we all thought too... and that's why we didn't take any of it seriously and casually wrote most of it off as jokes, bullying, teasing, playing, etc. And while I'm sure it was that in a way, at least in part, you know what they say: there's a grain of truth in every joke (or "a little bit of truth behind every 'just kidding'").

Many fans are also taking this as a sign of how serious the others were becoming in their warnings to him, as if they felt it was the only way to get through to him. I'm sure they had private conversations off-camera, but if they were williing to do it publicly? On national TV? (Radio Star, for example.) That appears to say something about the weight of their concerns and their attempts to reach him. (Also keep in mind that they've said they rarely saw him outside of band activities, that he was always running off as soon as events with them had ended, so who knows... maybe they felt that on camera was the only real chance they had to catch him and address him in person. Maybe they felt like it was the only way he would listen. So many maybes.)

Another thing: TOP's rather astute comments about Seungri's friends (that they seemed like bad people, that they were using him, that they weren't his true friends but were only attracted to his fame, etc)... I personally would not have said those things where the public could hear them were I in his position. There's nothing joking about it, nothing at all. He was very direct in his delivery and it was not something that could be laughed away even if you tried.

“If the hyungs really suspected Seungri's club was out drugging and raping women, the stupidest way to have resolved it would have been to take it to TV. Not to mention how suddenly chilling it is if the hyungs actually did know and were complicit in the crimes, which I feel like a lot of these prophecy video retweeters don't consider.”

Okay everyone, listen up. This is important. In all these videos being referenced by fans in recent days, it's not possible that the hyungs were hinting at the drugging and assault that occurred at "Seungri's club" (I still hesitate to call it that) because Burning Sun did not yet exist when these things were being said. The club Burning Sun opened in February 2018. The last time BB were together as a group (as four -- GD, YB, Daesung, Seungri) was during their Japan Dome Tour in December 2017. And TOP? January 2017.

(read the rest behind the cut)

Further information: GD enlisted in late February 2018 and YB & Daesung enlisted less then a month later in mid March. Burning Sun opened in February 2018 and closed a year later in February 2019 during Burning Sun gate. The videos floating around in which the hyungs appear to warn Seungri come primarily from their 2017 Welcoming Collection (filmed in late 2016), Run BIGBANG Scout (shot in summer 2016), and from various concerts and fanmeetings throughout 2016-2017.

It is true that people do need to be very cautious when speculating about just how much the others knew about what Seungri & Co got up to, seeing as how, when it comes to this type of crime, awareness of the crime can be quite damning in and of itself. But once you take these dates into account, I think the others should be fairly safe from that kind of dangerous speculation. The question then becomes, how much did they know about what Seungri & Co got up to in their own time?

That I’m not overly worried about. They made it quite clear on several occasions that they hated his friends. Why would they have had any involvement with them? And it’s difficult to imagine Seungri inviting them in, so to speak, knowing how they were always scolding him for one thing or another. The way I see it, he found his own flock and kept a tight formation. Birds of a feather and all that.

“At best, they thought (and I too thought at that time) that Seungri was maybe making bad money decisions, Lee Sangmin style.”

This is the assumption most fans seem to be going with. Additionally, they may have had some ideas about his treatment of women as well, especially taking into account his 2012 sex scandal with a Japanese woman in which he allegedly choked her during sex, never kissed her, and threw a towel at her when he was done (and after which Youngbae and Daesung moved in with him, evidently to keep an eye on him and help set him straight. I don’t know how much truth there is to this, but I’ve read that he seemed proud in the scandal’s aftermath because hey, people were finally viewing him as an adult. Talk about embracing one's bad boy image.)

On that note: if he was in fact proud of himself for getting caught up in a sex scandal back then because he felt like it made him more of a man, then what must he be feeling now? Bearing in mind the influence of his less-than-reputable friend group of the last few years? He's currently under suspicion of hooking up with prostitutes and offering them to his investors to grow his business, among other things. The public is calling him a pimp (not totally accurate but ok). His conduct lately is not that of a person who feels he's done anything wrong. He might even feel a little, well... pleased with himself. Hence that small but self-satisfied grin he's been wearing everywhere lately.

Hmm... Just some thoughts.

“But to characterize him as a 2D villain so that we don't have to struggle to reconcile the person we idolized before, and the crimes he's accused of now is only a disservice to us.”

I’m sorry you see it this way because that's not my intent at all. My goal is not to paint him as a villain but to simply show that the signs of trouble were there and to suggest that perhaps we shouldn't be as surprised as we are about recent revelations. That this isn't really coming at us -- or at the rest of BB for that matter -- completely out of the blue. I don't know about you, but I find that comforting. Understanding what went wrong and when helps me to better come to terms with what's happened here, and I've been hearing from quite a few others lately who say it's helped them too. It also reinforces my confidence in OT4′s ability to carry on, because if they expected him to leave them in the near future, it stands to reason that they had been mentally and emotionally readying themselves for it. We the fans are hurting enough; the last thing I want right now is for the members of BB to be hurting too.

I'm also hope my readers don’t think I’m suggesting that Seungri was never a good person or never did anything good for anyone. That’s not it at all. Nothing is ever that black and white. I won’t forget them or try to erase them, it’s just that right now I'm not very interested in reflecting on the “good times”... and I think most would agree. Those acts of kindness you're referencing in 2009, 2011, 2012, 2013... you might have noticed that I've been focusing on conversations between the guys that took place in 2016 onward. Between MADE era and the present day. Alive era, Tonight era... I'm not interested in examining those years, because I'm concentrating on the period of time after Seungri met his new circle of friends (Jung Joonyoung, Choi Jonghoon, Yoo In Suk, etc) and began spending more time with them than with the rest of BB. I'm certainly not implying that Seungri was always this way, but I do believe he had the potential to become it given the right -- or should I say wrong influences. And he found those influences. Or should I say they found him?

Now, this is just speculation, but BB's popularity exploded immensely during Alive in 2012.  After that the members of BB went their separate ways for a time to work on solo projects. They came together periodically for YG family tours, I know that much, but it wasn't until MADE in 2015 that they were promoting as five again. It can probably be assumed that it was during that absence when Seungri ~fell in with this bad crowd~ (I hate to use that phrase because it seems to absolve him of responsibility for his actions, but let’s just go with it for a sec). I suspect the sharp rise in fame went to his head and he became... let’s just say susceptible.

(If there are any Seungri stans still here, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong about the timeline or chime in with additional info. My knowledge of what the members were up to between Alive and MADE is pretty murky, seeing as I wasn't "there" for it in real time.)

“When TOP was represented by a tower in variety shows, Seungri blatantly mentioned his name in Radio Star when everyone pretended he didn't exist.”

Someone brought this up in an ask that I haven't answered (sorry anon!). While it's entirely possible that he did this out of the goodness of his own heart, it's also possible that he did it because he knew it was what the fans wanted... and Seungri is nothing if not good at giving people what they want. It might not have had anything to do with TOP's feelings at all. I also wonder if YB calling him while in the military may have been done more out of concern than affection -- i.e., checking in on him to make sure he stayed out of trouble.

...and that's if Seungri's story is even to be believed, i.e., "He called me instead of his wife, can you believe it?!" Seungri is not above using the others to draw eyes to himself and prop up his own popularity (as he did when he name dropped GD constantly during his Great Seungri promotions), and given the others' comments about him exaggerating and even flat-out making up stories that haven’t a shred of truth for attention... just saying I wouldn't put anything past him at this point.

“The kid we knew existed. It's just that there was another, more insidious side to him too.”

That's really all it boils down to. Although I don't much care for calling him a "kid" anymore. I know he likes to play up the cute maknae role and all when it benefits him, but it's never sat well with me because, well... dude's a grown man, and calling him "kid" in light of recent events feels very wrong. That "kid" image is long gone, and I say good riddance. (For the record, I don't much like it when the others go all aegyo on each other either; with them now in their late 20s - early 30s, I have to say it's gotten a little weird.)

“Seungri is a shitty criminal, but sadly a criminal who did love his hyungs and fans in some way. Not everything that happened in the last 12 years is fake. ... I think, the truly heartbreaking thing about this, is that Seungri was loved by his hyungs, and he did love his hyungs too.”

I believe in... their love for him to varying degrees. Some were closer than others, of course. This is why, in a previous post, I said that I won't be surprised if some of them decide to stay in Seungri's life as a positive influence behind the scenes. However, at the same time, I won't be surprised if they choose not to. The thing is, you can still remain friends with someone but recognize that the two of you just don't work well together anymore in a, well, work environment. The bonds of friendship are important, yes, but as I think we've seen lately... it isn't everything.

With what we know now, I believe that the tension we've seen building between Seungri and the other members over the last few years was rooted in Seungri losing his passion for music as his obsession with wealth and power took over. Greed got the best of him. And I’m sure he was frustrated; there were things he wanted from Big Bang that Big Bang could not give him.

Although his hyungs surely still cared for him, more or less, I can see why in the last few years they may have been uncomfortable continuing to work with him if they felt that he was staying for all the wrong reasons. If you're going to be part of a group of artists like this one, it helps with group morale, to be confident in the knowledge that you all share a common interest and are working toward a common goal. If the others' goal was in expressing themselves through their craft -- music and dance -- and connecting with the fans through their work, while Seungri saw it primarily as a means to an end (i.e., "It's just a paycheck") then yeah. I'd have found myself getting pretty irritated with him too.

In the end, you can care for someone and still distance yourself from them, for an abundance of reasons. I think many of us have been there with loved ones ourselves... and I believe that's what we're going to see happen in the coming months when the others come back. Hell, it's been happening for years right under our noses; the difference now is they don't have to try to hide it anymore.

[swannsjack]

Oh my god, can you people stop making things up and distorting facts about the Johnny Depp vs Amber thing just so that you can keep defending her??

(I’m pretty sure this will not reach anyone who actually needs it, but I’m still doing this) 

People are so allergic to admitting they’re wrong, or at least giving someone the benefit of the doubt, that y’all making up absolute bs. Calling Depp racist, misoginistic, homo/bi-phobic, and worst of all a p*dophile.

There’s literally zero evidence backing up any of it and if you fell for that, I feel sorry for you. This is all bs made up by Heard stans to make him look bad in front of people who know nothing about him. And for some people literally all it takes is when someone says something and they’re like “really?” “YES, i have no evidence to support this except for my nonsense hate and me being an awful human for making sh*t up, but IT’S TOTALLY TRUE”. and people just believe it. it’s ridiculous.

I’m not saying he’s perfect, but he’s never been any of the aforementioned things. I’m not even going to touch much on the p*dophile thing because that was made up by a Trump stan and JD hates Trump and they’re so pressed about it they have to make disgusting things like that up, and now people who were shocked by his evidence proving they were slandering him for no reason, repeat it just so that they don’t have to admit they were wrong.

No woman, except for Heard and her hoax-assisting friends, have ever said a bad word about Depp. Quite the opposite, everyone’s who met him say he’s a gentleman, kind, caring. Saying things like “there’s no one else like him” and claiming “he doesn’t belong in show business, he belongs somewhere better” -  by Sarah Jessica Parker. His first wife is not only still in contact with him, but even spoke against Heard and said Johnny never even raised a voice at her. Vanessa Paradis wrote a hand-written note defending him. So many women spoke in defense of him. 

Some people are even lying and saying he has been accused by his previous gf of abuse. HE HAS NOT. No one had ever accused him of that and no one came out during the last three years saying “oh yeah he abused me, too” they DEFENDED HIM. Please, if you someone tried to convince you that he had been accused, do not believe it, do your own research, you’ll see it that it’s not true and people are just making up rumours to support their “Heard is a victim” story.

Or her stans saying he abused her because she’s bisexual is like?? There is literally nothing to back it up. He’s never said a bad word about other sexualities. He made a decision that Jack Sparrow is bisexual. His very own daughter is not straight and have you seen how proud he is of her? He supports her and adores her with every ounce of his being. Stop turning him into something he’s not.

"If there's any message to my work, it is ultimately that it's okay to be different, that it's good to be different, that we should question ourselves before we pass judgement on someone who looks different, behaves different, talks different, is a different color."  - Johnny Depp, y’all

But guess who was arrested for abusing her FEMALE partner? Amber Heard.

Guess who accused the gay FEMALE cop that arrested her of being misoginistic? Amber Heard.

And guess who accused the same GAY female cop that arrested her of being homophobic? Amber Heard.

And guess who made a racist tweet? AMBER HEARD.

Isn’t it funny how Heard stans are accusing Depp of everything that can be said of and proven Amber Heard is??

Now for the distorting of facts:

I’ve seen a few posts/tweets being like “ya’ll jumped at some UNsourced info” blah blah. IT IS NOT UNSOURCED. They’re legit lawsuit with clerk stamps on them. And Johnny and his lawyer have referenced them!! Johnny literally said “which is why I’m suing...” and there’s been a recent statement reacting to people’s support how he’s determined more than ever to fight for justice and he WANTS his day in court to prove all that he’s saying is true. And his lawyer has been giving statements to the press for almost a year now. All of this is legit info from legit court documents. Just because you’re too lazy to look for the actual link for the whole document, that doesn’t make them false. It’s like you people think a Depp fan wrote two fake 40 page lawsuits, are you really that pathetic to suggest something like that? Waldman, his lawyer, has confirmed what the lawsuit says, it’s not just screenshot from some “unsourced” lawsuit, he repeated what the lawsuit says: 87 surveillance videos, litany of neutral witnesses, including the police, photographic evidence, audio, and sworn testimonies, as well as Heard’s admission.

And furthermore, people saying just because the lawsuit claims she confessed, doesn’t mean it’s true. Well, okay. However, she has not denied the claims. Read through her statements reacting to the lawsuits, she or her lawyer/publicist or whatever, have responded several times. But never with “I deny this”. It’s always something to make Johnny look bad. “that’s mental abuse” “he’s hell-bent on self-destruction” “ms heard won’t be silenced” “frivolous lawsuit” “just read his latest interview to see he’s delusional” blah blah blah. 

None of that includes any denial whatsoever. And some people are saying “well, so she was just defending herself!!” yeah? so why hasn’t she said that either?? Instead of accusing Depp of mental abuse, she could just say “I confessed to ‘attacks’ that were pure self-defense.” That’s literally all she’d have to say. She hasn’t. The first “she admitted” claims came out several months ago last year (y’all just noticed only this week for some reason). And in all those months, she has not denied anything. Whereas Johnny has ALWAYS maintained he didn’t abuse her, he’s always denied it. Why hasn’t she?

My second point is people saying he’s still an asshole even if he was a victim, because *references some out of context bs* blah blah, I’ve been over a part of this at the beginning. Yes, he was arrested in the past, for trashing a hotel room (no violence on people) with his then gf Kate Moss, and for chasing away paparazzi after politely asking them to leave him and his family alone. They didn’t, so he PROTECTED his family. Trying to distort that to make him sound abusive is gross. And lastly, stop using the “he punched a guy on a movie set” allegation. First of all, the guy literally ditched court, I wonder why. Secondly, multiple people have come out saying Johnny was neither drunk, nor did he punch the guy. A script supervisor even said they have time-stamped photos to prove he didn’t. However, I would not blame him if he did because HE WAS DEFENDING A HOMELESS AFRICAN-AMERICAN WOMAN. That’s right, the accuser was being RACIST. And according to witnesses:

Danoff says they were shooting outside and Brooks (the accuser) berated an African-American homeless woman with "racial and derogatory slurs" because she was in his way. Depp was sitting next to her about 25 feet away when it happened.

"He immediately stood up from our shared seat on the edge of a planter bench and went over to Brooks to stand up for the woman," Danoff says. "Mr. Depp said to Mr. Brooks, 'You can’t talk to her like that. You think she is something less than you? Who do you think you are? How dare you?'"

What an as*hole Depp is, right?

And stop using his addiction struggles to say that proves he’s abusive or that it means he deserved the abuse. Addiction is an illness and it’s disgusting to use it against him, when he’s been so opened and honest about it his entire life /but guess who’s pretending to be perfect even though she’s in fact known to be a drug addict but she pretends she’s not, at least JD’s open about it. He’s always been an honest guy. He is not a liar/. I beg you, watch this video “I was trying to calm the brain. I was trying to feel better.” and tell me, how can you use it against him?? And note, that this was two months before Heard’s accusation, a year into their marriage, look at his appearance. He was being abused. 

He was also abused as kid, by the way. If you didn’t know.

And what’s also annoying is “none of that proves his innocence, they were both abusive then” GO AWAY WITH THIS NONSENSE. She’s been openly mocking him for almost three years now.

1) Guess who starred in a pirate film. 2) Guess who played the Mad hatter in Alice in Wonderland? Oh yeah, that would be her former “abusive” husband. 3) And the last photo is literally so disgusting. Johnny changed the tattoo with her nickname that he had on his fingers (and he wears a lot of rings on his fingers) and this human garbage posted a picture of herself with fist punching, fingers full of rings and the caption #NoInkNeeded. She is a garbage, openly mocking her victim. 

And she RECENTLY posted several photos of herself that were taken while she was with Depp (x, x - both taken years ago by Johnny’s friend Greg Williams) One on the roof of the building they lived in together where she was allegedly being violently abused. Oh the nostalgia, am I right? Her friend literally commented they miss it. WTF? They miss the place their friend was “abused” in? Oh and guess who demanded the three of their formerly shared condos in that building? Our perfect angel “abuse victim” miss Heard. I’m sure it’s very normal for an abuse victim to want to keep the place in which they were abused. Johnny Depp is the weird one for selling it and wanting no memories of it.

Stop the mental gymnastics to defend Heard and paint Depp as the worst human ever.

[kiss-my-freckle]

It’s not like I planned this. I just ... there was a lot about Tom’s character that didn’t make sense to me, and I wanted him to make sense, so I looked deeper into his character. The deeper, the better. More objective if you aren’t a shipper or huge Tom Keen fan. People don’t want to see someone bash all that they love, which I often see with shippers. They’ll swarm a post like a pack of rabid dogs if you slam their ship. Sometimes it’s hilarious. But also understandable. Hate can do the same, but I never allowed my hate for Tom’s character to cloud my theories. I had every reason to hate him, there’s no denying that. But hating and lack of understanding are two different things. 

I have ADHD and OCD. My mind is in constant, and it’s not just one thought at one time, it’s dozens swimming round and round again. New thoughts diving into the pool, some jumping out because they’re tired. It’s like a humongous public swimming hole. Details matter to me because they take up a big chunk of brain-space. When they don’t fit, my mind forces me to find out why. So much thinking, I often get headaches because of it. Sure, I could go on medication, but I love the way my mind works. It limits me in some areas, but I don’t want to end up a thoughtless zombie. I know many of you have seen it already. I’ll post, and like ten minutes later, you’ll see that I’ve edited that post to add more information. That’s quite literally how my mind works. Thought spurts. Same with comments and replies. If I reply to you on fb, you’ll likely end up with ten more. I have to force myself to stop thinking in order to watch a full-length movie. I have to force myself to stop thinking in order to sit and read a book. Short stories and poetry is better, so I typically stick with that. Fanfic is good too. I watch more tv than film. My thoughts are constant, which is why most of my posts are long, or I end up posting ten shorts back-to-back. 

Tom’s character didn’t make sense, I wanted to know why. I don’t ship him, I don’t like him, but I also don’t want him painted as a monster. Redemption’s very concept, doing bad for good. It’s called intent, and it matters. When you have a criminal like Red who quite literally kills people, intent matters. I don’t give a fuck about characters like Floriana Campo. One bullet can save so many. Only a monster would support the rape and abuse of children. I’m a huge Dexter fan. 

A single, simple concept that allows one character to make sense. Tom’s gun to Liz’s head in 1x22. Sorry, but you're not gonna sell me the idea that he put a gun to her head because he was trying to save her from Fake Berlin. He took her to the man. What he saw when he got there didn’t change his intent, only his approach. It was Fake Berlin’s dialogue to Tom. “Let’s deal with the other female agent first. Then I want you to take care of the ginger.” At this point, Fake Berlin’s hitman was in Ressler’s custody, so he had to turn to Tom for help. Let’s say their intent was to kill her. Why would Fake Berlin need Tom's help to kill a woman? If it’s a matter of getting close enough to Liz, okay. Why would Tom need Fake Berlin's help to kill Liz? If she was supposed to die, why not kill her when he pulled the gun on her in the first place? Why bother taking her to Fake Berlin to do it? He could’ve had her pull into some alley, put a bullet in her head, and be done with it. Apparently, they both need to kill Liz together, but Tom can kill Ressler by himself. Why? Perhaps the intent wasn’t to kill. Perhaps the intent was to deliver. I will now call your attention to dialogues at the Red Wedding. Coming to kill her? -- No. To abduct her. --  I was instructed to deliver Masha Rostova to my employer, and that’s what I intend to do. Now I’d like to call your attention to Solomon’s dialogue to Tom in the pharmacy, and Tom cutting him off mid-sentence. This one’s on you, kid. We’re only in this situation because… Solomon is referencing Liz’s attempted kidnapping at the Red Wedding. He’s blaming Tom for it. Why? And what did Tom say to Liz before their Red Wedding? Need I say more?

A simple fucking concept. Okay, Tom cared about Liz and wanted to do right by her. He believed Constantin was her biological father, and he wanted to reunite them. Is it THAT hard to imagine? We have to worry about how the writers will paint Tom that they should never explain his character? What you consider a fluid characer isn’t a fluid character to me. I’m sorry, but his character NEVER made sense. You can list excuse after excuse all you like, I prefer a good and solid explanation. It makes sense if you actually consider it. That's all I’ve been doing - making sense of a character that has been bothering my brain-space. Make sense of it, and I can move onto other things to obsessively think about.  

The writers can’t hurt your precious Tom, he’s a fucking fictional character. 

[bloodiedskirtts]

Tripping For You | Part Two: Sweetener

Summary: It’s Y/N’s sophomore year of college, and she’s never had a boyfriend before. But all that will change when her best friend Steve finds out about her crush on him. Determined to prove she doesn’t care for him, bad boy Bucky Barnes comes up with a genius plan. To prove she’s over Steve and he’s not “pussy whipped”.

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Word Count: 2.1k

Warnings: Slow burn, fake dating, mentions of sex.

A/N: TAG LIST IS OPEN!

Feedback is always appreciated! Thanks for reading. I hope you guys like it! Gif not mine, credit to owner.

Tripping For You Masterlist

She was hiding in her room, she had raced out of the coffee shop without as much as looking at Bucky. She grabbed her coat and left as quickly as possible. And now she had turned off her phone and was re-reading Jane Eyre for what was probably the one hundredth time. Sharon was currently at a study group in the library and she was ignoring Steve’s knock on her door. Hopefully, he would think that she wasn’t home. 

A few hours passed, and she was well and truly absorbed by her book, another cup of tea in her hands. She heard the jingle of keys in the door, and yelled out a hello without thinking as her cousin returned. 

‘Hey, Y/N,’ Sharon called. ‘You have a visitor.’

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! 

She couldn’t pretend she wasn’t there, she had literally greeted Sharon two seconds ago. She didn’t move, frozen to her spot, as her door handle opened and Sharon popped her head in.

‘It’s Bucky Barnes,’ she whispered. ‘Brush your fucking hair and put on some lipstick and oh my god, you look like a gremlin!’

She rolled her eyes at her cousin, placing her tea on her bedside locker. She didn’t care what Bucky Barnes thought of her, so that’s why she was frantically running her fingers through her hair and dabbing lip balm on. She pulled her oversized cardigan over her practically sheer  white shirt and booty shorts. She didn’t have time to change her outfit and she didn’t want Bucky to think that she cared too much about how she looked in front of him. So she shuffled out of her bedroom to see Bucky standing in the middle of her sitting room.

‘James,’ she teased. ‘To what do I owe the pleasure. Again.’

How the fuck did he know where she lived? 

Sharon had already retreated to her room. leaving them to talk in private. She motioned for him to sit on the couch and he slowly did.

‘Look, doll,’ he said. ‘I just wanted to make sure that you knew that we are not going to happen.’

Her mouth dropped and she couldn’t control the bubble of laughter in her throat this time. Bucky watched her carefully as she basically howled with laughter to the point that tears began to roll down her cheeks.

‘Y/N! I’m being serious!’

‘Oh, Barnes, you are too much sometimes. I do not and never will want to be with you or want to do anything with you,’ she said waving her hands in the air, a disgusted look on her face.

‘Well, it didn’t really seem like it took back there,’ Bucky said, referencing the kiss at the coffee shop.

Her face fell, going pale at the idea. 

‘Okay, look, Bucky. I was just trying to make sure that someone else didn’t think I liked them. That’s why I kissed you,’ she explained.

He raised an eyebrow, ‘Oh? And who is this mystery man?’

‘Oh no, James, I’m not telling you that,’ she said with a sharp laugh. ‘But thanks for coming. I’ll see you in class.’

‘No, no, no, doll,’ he said a smirk pulling on his lips. ‘You’re gonna tell me who this guy, that caused you to jump me in a cafe full of people, is.’

‘That is not happening!’

‘Okay, I’ll just post you’re little love letter to Twitter, and everyone will see how much you want to run your fingers through my hair and-’

‘Nope! Nope!’ she said, sighing out.

‘Steve...um...Steve Rogers...’

His eyebrows shot up, ‘Doesn’t Steve date your best friend?’

She nodded, ‘Dated. But that’s not...Look I wrote him a letter-’

‘Woah, woah, woah. I’m not the only one who got a letter?’ he asked in shock. ‘You think you’re special, and you find out that she’s written love letters to two guys.’

‘Five.’

‘What?’

‘I’ve written five love letters,’ she admitted, she wasn’t sure why she was telling him all this. But as he looked at her with those soft blue eyes and a small smile on his face, she wanted to talk to him for hours.

‘Five? You are a player, doll,’ he teased. ‘So who got these letters?’

‘You, Steve...um Sam Wilson-’

‘Sam Wilson is gay.’

‘You don’t know that.’

‘Everyone knows that!’

She rolled her eyes, ‘One of the foreign exchange guys and a guy from camp back in middle school.’

‘Okay, so you’ve been writing letters for that long?’ he asked, throwing his arm over the back of her couch.

She nodded, blushing deeply.

‘Okay, I think it’s your time to go.’

But he was smirking at her from ear to ear.

‘I have an idea, doll.’

‘Oh no!’

‘Okay, well, you need to make sure that Steve-o doesn’t think that you are madly and irrevocably in love with him. And I need people to realise that I am over Nat-’

‘Are you?’

‘What?’

‘Are you over Natasha?’ she asked.

‘Th-That doesn’t matter,’ he admitted.

She looked up at him, with a smirk. ‘Okay you need people to think that you are over Natasha and I need Steve to know that I don’t have feelings for him anymore.’

‘Right,’ he said. ‘So! What if we make them think we’re together.’

She laughed, ‘What?’

‘Like we pretend that we are in a relationship. Make everyone think we are madly in love,’ he said.

‘Bucky no one is going to believe that you are into me!’ she said, pulling at her ponytail.

‘And why wouldn’t they? You’re cute. We kissed before and everyone saw that kiss in the coffee shop this morning. It’s only been like four hours and Nat already knows about it,’ he said. ‘Please, doll? For me?’

She bit her lip.

‘Okay, okay,’ he sighed. ‘I’ll let you sleep on it. But seriously...’

He shrugged before making his way to the door.

‘I’ll see you in class, Bucky,’ she said, she couldn’t contain the smile on her face as she walked him to the door.

He kissed her on the cheek before he turned and left. And she couldn’t contain the butterflies in her stomach, her eyes flicked up to see Steve looking absolutely shocked. She slammed the door before he could say anything else.

The next day, she stomped over to Bucky before class. He was sitting with his friends, joking around, acting like the idiot he was. She was wearing a blush pink bomber jacket and a white slip dress. Her hair tied away from her face, swinging in a ponytail as she walked over to him, determination in her eyes.

‘Hey, Bucky,’ she said with a smile. ‘Can I speak to you, please?’

Nat was the other side of the lecture hall her eyes locked on the other woman as she spoke to her Bucky. Sure she dumped him at the start of the semester but he was still hers. And how dare that little bitch think that she had any right to speak to him? Let alone kiss him! She kissed him! In front of everyone!

Bucky smirked as Y/N stood in front of him, a small smile on her cheeks.

‘Sure doll,’ he said, walking outside with her.

‘Let’s do this,’ she said with a smirk.

‘Oh you wanna be my fake girlfriend?’ he whispered.

She laughed, ‘Sure. We can iron out the details after class.’

And that is why they were sitting out in the quad, under a cherry blossom tree discussing the details about their romance.

‘So when did we get together?’ she asked.

He shrugged, ‘Me and Nat broke up three weeks ago.’

‘Okay, well what if we met at a bar two weeks ago and we hooked up. And decided to make things official on Monday.’

He shook his head, ‘It can’t be Monday.’

She made a face, ‘Why?’

‘Well, I was with Nat on Monday night and we..’

‘Okay, okay. I don’t need to know the details,’ she said, putting her hand up to her mouth.

‘Right, well Wednesday. You went to Nat on Monday because you were freaking out about your feelings for me. But you realised after you and her...ya know, that you did want to be with me,’ she said.

‘Okay sounds good,’ he told her, a smirk pulling on her face.

‘Look, I also think we should put down some ground rules. No more kissing!’ she said.

After they had walked back into the room, Bucky had spun her around and pulled her in for a deep kiss. Nat’s eyes never left them as Bucky pulled away and brushed a loose hair out of her face.

‘Hey!’ he said. ‘You kissed me first! And how are people going to believe that we’re together if I suddenly cannot kiss you in public.’

‘Look you can kiss me on the cheek, on the hand, on the temple. Just not on the lips,’ she said with a shaky sigh. ‘This...Don’t laugh, okay? But I’ve never had a boyfriend before. And I don’t want all of my firsts to be fake?’

He smiled at her, ‘Of course, baby doll. No kissing. If you can control yourself.’

‘Ugh, as if,’ she teased, putting on her best fake valley girl accent.

He raised an eyebrow in confusion, ‘Clueless?’

‘Hey!’ he said in shock.

‘No. You idiot, the film Clueless!’

He shook his head.

‘You’ve never seen Clueless?’ she asked in shock. ‘Okay, that is going in the contract. Watch Clueless with me.’

‘Oh you have to drive me and Sharon to class everyday,’ he said.

He laughed, ‘No worries.’

‘And no one can know about this. It would be humiliating for both of us if people realised we were pretending this whole time. So tell no one.’

‘Of course, first rule of Fight Club,’ he said with a shrug.

She made a face.

‘Oh. My. God! You’ve never seen Fight Club? Put that in the contract. Double feature, Clueless then Fight Club!’ 

She laughed as she wrote it onto the page. 

‘Okay...um...I could write you notes everyday,’ he added.

She smiled, ‘You would do that?’

He nodded, ‘Nat was always asking me to do it but I never did. It would drive her nuts if I did it to you.’

She wrote it down.

‘Oh and you have to come to parties with me.’

‘I don’t really-’

He cut her off, ‘No one will believe that we’re together if we don’t go to parties together, doll.’

She huffed out but wrote it down anyway.

‘Okay, fine! Anything else?’ she asked.

‘Oh yes! You have to go with me on the ski trip,’ he said.

She folded her arms. The ski trip was infamous, it was organised by the snow sport society and every popular dickhead in the college signed up to go to it. Over a hundred teenagers and young adults descended on the slopes every December. Of course, couples loved to go on the ski trip. They had a room to themselves, they didn’t have to worry about annoying their roommates. It was pretty infamous for hook ups - more hook ups happened here than any party over the year.

Obviously, Y/N had never been.

‘That’s three months away,’ she said with shock in her eyes.

He nodded, ‘Okay. Yea, but no girlfriend in their right minds is going to let their boyfriend go on that ski trip alone. You know what happens on that trip. You know how many couples break up because people can’t keep it in their pants right?’

She rolled her eyes. ‘Okay but do you think that we’ll still be doing this in three months?’

He shrugged, ‘I dunno doll. But, just in case it’s better to have it in the contract.’

She nodded, watching him write it on the page in big sloppy writing. She smiled slightly as she sighed it and passed it back to him.

‘You are such a little nerd,’ he said with a smile on his face.

She blushed slightly, she didn’t know why she was so affected by him. 

‘Um...okay....I...I better get going,’ she said.

‘See ya around, girlfriend,’ he said grabbing her hand and kissing it softly. ‘Seeing as I can’t kiss you.’

‘And you won’t be, Barnes!’ she teased, pulling her backpack on and jogging away from him.

TAG LIST

@crybbysarahjane, @jitterbuck, @metalarmlover, @slender--spirit @the-crime-fighting-spider @anamcg317, @trekkingthroughmiddle-earth, @minniesugakookie @harrison-shot-first, @pingu89, @yetitty, @sexyvixen7, @nephalem67, @mia-at-work, @fruiterias, @writing-for-a-chance, @thatbibliophileravenclaw @hadesgirl1015 @gigistorm @kayleeflower, @savemesteeb, @rainbowkisses31, @valeriae2903, @sophiatomlinson23, @rhiisnotawitch, @mcuimxgine, @randomstoriesofabunny, @marsnothere, @myrabbitholetoneverland, @jessxxoxx @ka-x-in  @lovely-geek  @lizfawn @piensa-bonito  @rileyloves5 @funkenniffler @justmesadgirl​ @teawithbucky​ @tranquility-or-chaos​ @renanyx​  @marvelellie​, @justmesadgirl​ @mav-and-goose​ @anelaokalanii​ @siriuslyimmoony​ @novakkaia​ @mdgrdians​ @everythingisoverrated​ @jbarnes87​ @sebbydumbling​

[blightfics]

THE THIRD WHEEL CHAPTER 1: Color

Next Chapter: Her Voice

Disclaimer:  This story is based from a lot of animes, such as Your Lie in April and Waiting in the Summer. Also, Pixelberry’s Endless Summer and Naoishi Arakawa’s Your Lie in April will be referenced here, so all rights belong to them.

Author’s Note: If the “Keep reading” doesn’t work, go here for the full post. Since my brother’s drawing monitor is being borrowed by his friend, there won’t be any chapter artworks until some time around March. Italicized narration is told by one of the protagonists, Kyle Collins. And lastly, to pay respects to non-Americans sports fans, I’m going to call it “football”, not “soccer”.

Tags: @princessstellaris, @mechaspirit, @xo-endlessmayhem-xo, @i-miss-trr, @aquamarvel, @mysteli, @choicesyouplayandmore, @skyila, @abhirio,  @brightpinkpeppercorn, @sceptilemasterr, @scgdoeswhat, @endlessly-searching-for-you

Recommended Music: I Wonder what He said about Such Feelings (YLiA)

Cold. Even though winter is almost gone, everything still felt cold. Even before winter came, it still felt cold when this cruel world decided to take something that gave me happiness. What am I to do now? Why am I still here? How shall I end my suffering, without taking my own life?

Voice: Kyle...? KYLE!!

Chestnut eyes open to the sound of a girl’s concerning voice. All they could see is the orange tint of the sky during a sunset. A brunet boy sits up after waking from his snap while rubbing his eyes. A brunette girl is sitting next to him, with an annoyed look, while a blond boy is sitting beside her, with his arm around her shoulder and while sharing the same expression as her.

Girl: Finally!

Kyle: Ugh... what? What do you want, Karen?

Karen: You slept past an important conversation again.

Kyle: What’s so important about my future...?

The girl rolls her eyes and turns to her boyfriend.

Karen: Sam, help me out here...

The blond boy grins and his ocean-blue eyes light up. He reaches to nudge his friend’s arm.

Sam: Come on, Kyle! Tomorrow’s our last quarter in our last year in high school. Aren’t you supposed to be happy?

Kyle stands from the inclined grass plain and walks to the nearby river. He picks up a few rocks and skips them across the river.

Kyle: Why should I be happy? Nothing can every make me happy after.... six months ago...

Sam’s grin quickly falters as he shares the same depressed look as Karen while she clutches her chest.

Yeah, it’s true. Nothing’s been the same for six months. It’s all been black and white to me. My parents passed away during an accident. Accidents; worthless excuses for the world to take something from you so heartlessly. 

Kyle decided to stop and come back to sit with his sister and his friend.

Kyle: ....But you know? To be honest, I am feeling kind of excited for tomorrow.... Kind of...

Smiles return to Karen and Sam. The blond boy lightly punches Kyle on the arm.

Sam: That’s our boy!

Karen: It’s not a lot but it’s good enough. We’re here for you if you need any help.

Kyle smiles and nods.

Kyle: Thanks, guys.

I lied. I just didn’t want them to bring the subject back to my mind. Whatever satisfies them just to make them change the subject into something else other than... that, I’ll do it.

The three best friends stayed by the riverside longer as they watch the sun set between the mountains. Once nighttime arrives, they got up from the grass plain and go to their bikes. They mount their bikes and cycle back to their respective homes, but not before Karen and Sam shared a sweet kiss. Away from their vision, Kyle manages to smile... slightly.

Even though Mom and Dad are gone, I just can’t help but be happy for my sister. She’s found someone who filled in the gap in her life. She’s been more enthusiastic with her stories and films than me with my artworks.

Kyle proceeds to look up and stare at the moon and stars.

When will I find that ‘someone’?

Karen taps his her brother’s shoulder and Kyle looks behind her to see Sam waving at him while cycling away. The brunette cycles past the her brother.

Recommended Music: Can you Forget? (YLiA)

Karen: Last one home gets to wash the dishes!

Kyle: Hey!

Kyle tries to catch up to Karen but was easily defeated when they reached home. Karen celebrates and laughs.

Karen: Haha! I win!

Kyle: No fair! You had a headstart!

Karen proceeds to laugh again as she and Kyle enter the house. They are greeted by a tall brunet, wearing an apron and his hair tied into a ponytail.

Kyle: Hey, Lucas.

Karen: Hi, Big Bro!

Lucas: Ah, good. You’re here just in time. Dinner’s ready.

Lucas. He’s been here ever since he graduated from college last year and heard the news about Mom and Dad. He’s been taking care of me and Karen while serving his job as a freelance IT, providing technological help to any business in need. He’s very good at his job. In fact, my family consists of very talented people. It’s why we get around life so easily when it comes to finance.

Karen skips to the dining room while Kyle walks behind her. The three siblings gather around the table and start having their dinner. Lots of laughs and stories were shared until they finish. Kyle, honoring his part of the deal, washes the dishes but with Lucas’s help. Karen heads upstairs to her bedroom and starts writing another one of her great stories. While washing the dishes, the brothers have a heart-to-heart conversation.

Lucas: So...

Kyle: So... what?

Lucas: Have you found your ‘Sam’ yet?

Kyle: WHAT?!

I know Lucas didn’t mean Sam that way but someone similar to him, someone who can bring me happiness the same way he did to Karen. But still, does my big brother have to bring it up that way?! I looked at him, annoyed while he chuckled.

Lucas: I’m just kidding. I meant have you found your ‘special someone’ yet?

Kyle shakes his head.

Kyle: No...

Lucas kept a smile on his face.

Lucas: I’m pretty sure you’ll find that person soon. After all, spring is coming and most happy beginnings start in spring.

Kyle: Yeah? Happy beginnings? What about endings? Have you seen Your Lie in April?

Lucas: Uhh... well...

Lucas shakes his head and squints his eyes towards his little brother.

Lucas: You know what I mean!

Kyle chuckles and finishes his half of the dishes.

Kyle: I get what you mean. It’s just... isn’t that a bit cliché?

Lucas: It’s better than having nothing at all.

I don’t know why, but Lucas always has more impact towards me with his words than Karen. I feel guilty for lying to her earlier about my fake happiness. She does have an impact on me but...

After the dishes, Lucas pats Kyle on the back before the little brother runs upstairs and knocks on Karen’s door. She opens it up and peeks out.

Karen: Yes?

Kyle: I’m sorry.

Karen: For what?

Kyle: For faking my smile earlier.

Karen: I knew...

Kyle: You did?

Of course, she did. She’s my twin sister. Even though we’re not psychics, she can still tell if I’m lying or not.

Karen: Don’t pretend like you don’t know that I did.

Kyle looks down.

Kyle: I’m really sorry.

Karen fully opens the door and reaches to hug her brother.

Karen: It’s okay. I just don’t want you to end up becoming a talented, yet monotone artist. There’s more to you than that.

Kyle remains silent as he just nods.

Maybe the reason Lucas has more impact on me is because he’s more sympathetic with his approach. Karen always make me smile through hilarious antics yet she can never do it when she shows concern. This has been the first time that she did have an impact on me, and it’s not the last.

Kyle and Karen pull away from their embrace and smiled.

Karen: There we go! An actual smile!

Kyle grins and chuckles.

Kyle: Alright, alright. You win.

Karen ruffles her brother’s hair before going back to her room, laughing.

Karen: Good night, Kyle.

Kyle: Night, Sis.

Karen closes her door and Kyle goes to his room. Meanwhile below the stairs, Lucas is hiding and eavesdropping on their conversation. He smiles before going to his room.

Recommended Music: Tenma & Friends (IEGO)

Morning rises and spring quarter has begun. Kyle, Karen and Lucas get out of their house, all set and ready for school and work, respectively. Lucas gets in his car and drives off, but not before greeting his siblings goodbye.

Lucas: The usual 6 pm! Bye!

Kyle and Karen wave to their big brother before mounting their bikes and making their way to school. They are joined by Sam and soon, the three reach Skylia High School.

Sam: HELLOOOO, SPRING QUARTER!!!

Karen giggles at Sam’s excitement while Kyle just rolls his eyes as they lock their bikes at the bike rack. They eventually split and and go to their respective club rooms; Kyle to the Art Club, Karen to the Stories & Film Club, and Sam to the Gymnasium. The three wave at each other while walking to their respective destinations.

Kyle: I’ll see you back by the end of school!

Karen: Talk soon!

Sam: YEET!

Sam enters the boy’s locker room, changes into his football uniform and puts on his captain’s band. He then enters the gymnasium and gathers his teammates.

Sam: Alright, boys, get in line.

The sophomores, juniors and seniors follow Sam’s orders with no problem, while the freshmen does it so nervously. One particular freshman catches Sam’s attention.

Sam: Hey, you.

The new player stands up straight and trembles.

New Player: Yes?!

Sam chuckles and puts his hand on the new player’s shoulder.

Sam: Hehe. Hey, don’t worry. I’m not the strict type. As captain, I usually attempt to be close to the team’s goalkeepers to have like a second-in-command, since they handle leading the defense line.

New Player: Well... I don’t think I can handle a leadership role yet...

Another goalkeeper, Mark Evans, stands beside Sam and encourages the new player.

Evan: Don’t worry. It takes time but once you have a practical example, you’ll know what to do, especially when the team needs you to be the best you can be.

Sam: Mark is right, you know.

The new goalkeeper looks at his superiors with a smile.

New Player: Thanks, sirs.

Sam: No prob. Say, what’s your name?

New Player: Dannielle Wallace. But you can call me, “Danny”.

Mark offers his hand.

Mark: Welcome to the team, Danny.

The two keepers shake their hands and soon, Sam gets to know the rest of his new teammates. After introductions, they start the freshmen tryouts and when it is Danny’s turn, Sam becomes the forward to test him.

Sam: Ready, Danny?

Danny: Yes, sir!

Sam dashes towards his junior and kicks the ball to the Danny’s right side. The new goalkeeper reacts and leaps to his right, but suddenly, the ball curves to his left; a feint done by Sam. Although Danny ends up surprised, his reflexes composed him. He quickly twists his body to face upwards and kicks the ball to the air. He lands on the ground but quickly stands up and jumps to catch the falling ball. Finally, he turns to Sam with a confident smirk. The captain and Mark walk up to Danny  while slowly clapping.

Mark: Oooh, boy. That has got to be the best tryout I have ever seen!

Sam: Exactly! Danny, congratulations. You’re on the team.

Danny smiles and jumps for joy before shaking the hands of his seniors and thanking them. Sam turns to the rest of the team.

Sam: Alright, tryouts are over. Let’s practice!

Team: YEAH!!

The Skylia Dragons start their practice for the upcoming Spring Football Tournaments.

Meanwhile in the Story & Film club, Karen is continuing her new story that she was working on the previous night when suddenly, the club door bursts open. Karen is startled and glares at her fellow club member, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: Good news!

Karen: What, Eli?! What’s so good news that you have to scare me half to death?!

Elizabeth quickly bows repeatedly while apologizing. She then stands up straight and shows Karen a poster. It says, “Aryndelle City Spring Film Festival”, and Karen jumps for joy.

Karen: Yes! Eli, you wonderful girl!

Karen pulls Elizabeth into a tight hug while their literature teacher, Mister Alexander Cameron, peeks out from behind the book shelves.

Mr. Cameron: What is it, girls?

Elizabeth turns to her teacher and shows the poster while Karen looks at him with bright eyes and a grin.

Mr. Cameron: Ah, of course! We are definitely taking part in that.

Karen: Yes!

Mr. Cameron: We just need actors and crew. Maybe you can ask Kyle and Sam to join us, Karen.

Karen: Oh, absolutely!

At the mention of Kyle’s name, Elizabeth quickly blushes and hides her face with the poster. Karen doesn’t notice this and quickly goes over to a shelf of books.

Karen: Let’s see, which stories are we going to recreate as a film?

Mr. Cameron:  What about your best work so far?

Elizabeth’s blush quickly fades and she reveals herself under the poster with a smile.

Elizabeth: Yes! We should definitely film Endless Summer!

Karen grins and pulls out a large green book. She then sits by a nearby table and starts writing a screenplay of said book. Elizabeth and Mr. Cameron join her.

Recommended Music: The City I Live in Started to Take Color (YLiA)

Meanwhile at the school’s gates, a redhead girl enters. She is reluctant and anxious yet she still keeps moving. As she walks in the hallways, she spots the school’s trophy booth. In it, she sees a picture of Kyle and Karen holding their respective artwork and book about latter’s story, Endless Summer. The girl’s reluctance and anxiety fades away as she blushes and smiles before quickly running around the halls, presumably looking for something, or someone.

Kyle makes his way towards the art club to meet his mentor and art teacher, Mister Pablo Ross. On his hands, he was playing Legend of Zelda on his Nintendo Switch. Even with his eyes glued to the console, he is still aware of his surroundings and knows where to go.

Gaming has always been a staple to my life. On my 5th birthday, my parents introduced me to the world of gaming when they bought me a Playstation 3. I had lots of fun, playing with Karen and Lucas. When Mom and Dad passed away, I grew more attached to video games because, just like my arts, they’re a reminder of them, the people who loved and raised me. I just can’t seem to move on like my siblings. People keep saying that there’s a ‘special someone’ out there for me, to break me free from this torment. But I keep doubting them... until today...

Suddenly, the same redhead girl from earlier stands in front of Kyle and happily points at him. Her green eyes light up at the sight of him.

Girl: There you are!

Kyle looks at the girl with confusion.

Kyle: Wha... huh...?

The girl then offers her hand for a shake.

Girl: I’m Vivian. And I am in love with your artworks!

Kyle is taken aback by the girl’s sudden introduction and affection towards his own work. He is left speechless with lots of things going on in his mind.

On the Spring of 2018, I met a girl, who instantly confessed to me. And soon after... for a brief moment...

My world slowly started to take color...

--- End of Chapter ---

[ollyarchive]

Olly Alexander Is Leaning Into The Gay Thing

BY:  PHILLIP HENRY  10 NOV 2018 

 “I started to hear people referring to me as ‘that gay singer’ and a part of ‘that gay band,’ and I said to myself ‘You know what? I am.’ I decided to lean into the gay.”

English actor, pop star, and frontman of the synth-pop band Years & Years Olly Alexander has found himself growing more and more comfortable with his sexuality as it relates to his artistry. Having just released the band’s sophomore album, Palo Santo, this summer, Alexander says he found himself embracing his identity, and “the multifaceted nature of it.”

“You know, inside I’m still kind of this scared gay boy that got bullied at school,” he tells INTO. “But having the kind of response we got from audiences and success that we had after the first album, I felt more comfortable, confident, and okay being more explicit.”

At the age of  28, has been out publicly as long as Years & Years has existed, ignoring the advice of his media trainer who encouraged him to keep his sexuality out of public persona.

And Palo Santo is a reflection of that; the album takes a more direct route when addressing his sexuality, using more male-specific pronouns in the lyrics in comparison to the band’s first album, Communion. Alexander has also been much more free in discussing his sexuality, advocating for HIV screenings, promoting safer sex practices and even supporting anti-LGBTQ bullying campaigns.

Seated in the corner of a New York cafe wearing a Rihanna T-shirt and lounge pants, Alexander’s confidence and charisma exude a certain type of energy that grows as he speaks about the things he loves with such candor.

In just a few hours, Alexander would be performing a sold-out show at Terminal 5. He’s grateful for where he is, sharing thoughtful sentiments as he talks about his fans and his work. He knows that at this point in time, when so many queer people have the wind in their face, right now, it’s at his back and he can soar brightly into the future.

As the main songwriter and leading visionary for Year & Years, Alexander is pushing himself not only as an artist but also as a public-facing advocate.

“Obviously, the UK is stuff I’m most familiar with, but globally we’re all kind of witnessing this dumpster fire descent to Hell,” he says. “Though, I don’t always think it’s that bad.”

“Personally,” he continues, “I didn’t ever imagine I’d be engaging in advocacy the way that I have, but I just find it so meaningful. It makes me feel like I have a purpose in life. Getting out of bed and feeling like you’re working to create positive change is a good feeling.”

One of the hallmarks of poor advocacy is arrogance, a self-centeredness Alexander seems hellbent on avoiding. Being a white gay man comes with a lot of privileges, and he is aware of that, referencing it often as a limitation of his own worldview. He’s chipping away at the underpinnings of our how oppression operates with a precision and consciousness you might not expect from someone who had been cast in an Academy Award-nominated film before being old enough to to vote, acting alongside Dame Judi Dench (“a naughty grandma who only drinks champagne,” he says of his one-time co-star) in his early twenties before launching his international music career. Still, he notes, “This [advocacy]  has been a journey for me and I’m still learning every day.”

“There are so few queer people taking up space in media or in a public forum and I feel like there is a responsibility to use it properly, because people are listening to what you say and so many people aren’t being listened to,” Alexander says. “Silence is complicity. You have to come with something.”

He seems exasperated by the idea that everyone isn’t working to liberate others from their struggles.

“We can’t really step outside all of society’s rules and things that govern us anyway. Like white patriarchy, just because we’re gay that doesn’t go away. We have all the same structural oppressions that exist outside of that. We’ve chosen to band together because we’ve had to and there are so many benefits to that, but we’re so diverse and it makes us ripe for conflict.”

Right now, Alexander is concerned about the Gender Recognition Act in the UK, a proposed reform of the act that will make it easier for trans folks to self-identify.

“It’s created this insane hysterical discourse in the UK media and public. It has been a full-on assault on trans people in a way that’s so horrifying. It’s front page news in the media every day.” Alexander says. He likens it to the fear-mongering that gay people have gone through in the past. He wants to use his privilege to do everything he can to help.

It’s not all just talk for Alexander, who’s well aware that change doesn’t come through just bloviating on platforms to crowds who already espouse your beliefs, but through action that helps others be heard. He’s working alongside other public figures including Sir Patrick Stewart to pay the travel costs of UK citizens who want to attend the march that will be calling for a referendum on the final Brexit deal. Those in opposition to Brexit, which has been scrutinized heavily by many for it’s classist and xenophobic motivations, have been advocating for a second vote on the plan, confident that the majority of citizens don’t really support it.

“We can hide behind this kind of veneer of sending a tweet or retweeting someone’s post or saying ‘I’m woke,’” he says. “But are we really doing the work?”

Behind that motivated and eager passion for change is a gay man still exploring facets of his sexuality with zero fear and even less shame. He giggles in excitement with a “Yay” as he reads over my list of topics filed under “GAY SEX STUFF.”

“I use Grindr now, but I didn’t use it in my early twenties because I was going out and meeting men at clubs and hooking up that way,” he says. “Then I was in a couple of monogamous relationships, so I thought it was gonna be weird, but also a sort of initiation [into modern gay culture].”

That fear didn’t stop him from pursuing that desire to meet men for hookups and fun. “I’ve managed to hook up a couple of times through [apps], but it’s difficult because it’s hard to establish trust,” Alexander says. “People are like ‘Are you using a fake picture?’ or ‘Are you really Olly Alexander?’ And that becomes less sexy. I’m also not about to send a dick pic.”

Being a celebrity in a digital dating culture surely has its struggles, but he’s found that Grindr’s utility serves as a comfort for him in a different way.

“I like to open it up just to see that there other gay people around me, because I travel quite a lot. Sometimes [just so] that gay people are so visible to each other,” Alexander says. “We’ve created networks to find each other.”

In these kinds of social networks, queer people also find ourselves shaping the way we view each other and ourselves. Alexander finds the apps to be a place where so much time can be wasted just soaking up the attention and he isn’t above the kind of validation that connections made through such apps can provide.

“It’s like a dopamine hit when someone likes you or sends you a nice comment and I really understand how that feels good, but then following that up seems like hard work,” he says. “Then you’re like, ‘Oh, but what about someone else?’ It becomes this sort of endless appetite for sexual desires and I think that’s kind of changed the way we view intimacy. I don’t know if it’s for better or worse, but it’s definitely made some interactions harder.”

He’s not wrong. The apps can soak up so much time for those who love being bombarded with validation, but it’s not true for everyone. While it has made access to the type of intimacy that gays had to “work harder” to get in the past easily accessible, for many people, it provides a space where they can feel more confident than in the crowded and judgmental spaces that are gay bars and clubs. Also, perhaps, it’s just highlighted the way we’ve viewed intimacy all along.

His growth and journey with intimacy have changed over the years. He speaks as someone who wants his relationships to be as progressive as his politics. Unsatisfied with the idea that gay relationships need to fit cultural norms, Alexander discusses his most recent open relationship as a challenge that turns him on more than causes him fear.

“It presents a different set of challenges than you experience in a monogamous relationship,” he says. “In a monogamous relationship, you have like one rule which is: don’t cheat, basically.  In an open one you literally write the rulebook yourself, so you have to communicate with your partner a kind of endless list of potentially hard to talk about topics. Who are you allowed to sleep with? How many times? Are you allowed to see them more than once? Is anal okay? Is it just oral?”

Aroused by the idea of these difficult topics that many people would find a hassle to breach over and over, he thinks the ideas difficult to talk about in an open relationship greatly outweigh the simplicity of establishing monogamous trust. His light fetish seems to be emotional masochism that leads to self-discovery.

“In lots of ways, confronting those issues with someone and being able to get into the nitty-gritty of things, you have to go into some really emotionally intense and raw places,” Alexander says. “Those kinds of feelings are what make them more of fit for me than something monogamous which isn’t quite right for me. I’m glad I did it, because I learned a lot about myself and how I deal with aspects of intimacy.”  

Olly Alexander is an explorer, expanding his boundaries and expectations. He speaks openly about his love of daddy porn, smiling in recognition of the cliche. Alexander is curious and demanding of the content he consumes. “[All I want] is for the people to look like they’re enjoying it and for their dicks to be hard,” he says. “Obviously, whoever is fucking their dick is gonna be hard, but if someone is being fucked, I also want them to have a hard dick. Maybe I’m wrong. I’m sure they might still be enjoying it, but when I’m doing it I’m hard. I just like to see both people turned on.”

For Olly Alexander, sex as a gay man should be free of shame and be easier to talk about. He opens up about a sexual experience gone awry: “I guess a lot of people in the US are circumcised but most people in the UK aren’t.” He uses his hands to demonstrate how the frenulum (colloquially called a “banjo string)” is attached to the penis.

“One night, I was in the hotel with my boyfriend and we were having sex. I fell off the bed and basically tore this string right off,” he recalls. “ It was like a crime scene in the hotel. Obviously, like my dick was erect and had so much blood rushing to it so it was like fountains of blood squirting everywhere.”

Alexander and his partner at the time ended up in an emergency room shortly thereafter where his attending nurse recognized him and began talking about his music. Even in that awkward circumstance, he manages to be so excited that someone knows and loves his music.

They should love his music. It’s incredible in its range but most impressive in storytelling.  The performance later that night is electric — the audience hanging onto every word and Alexander consuming every bit of that energy. It’s as if without it, he’d be incapable of finishing the performance.

In a sheer white leotard, shiny black pants, and large bedazzled necklace that borders on gaudy, Alexander leads the audience through Palo Santo. Alexander’s voice rings throughout the three-story concert hall filled with young queers belting every lyric to the band’s hit single “If You’re Over Me.” He leads the audience and his bandmates through an electrifying set, running around with a rainbow flag he was gifted from a front-row audience member.

“I just want everyone having a good time,” he tells the crowd.

They absolutely are.

Images via Getty