#every time I bump into their things or watch a video I'm always in awe of the love and details they put into things

[shikai-the-storyteller]

I'm making a custom Richarlyson Figma

[kyndaris]

And Then You Wake...

Ever since watching Inception, the idea of living life in one's dreams has always held an allure for me. Especially given how vivid and complex and awe-inspiring some of my dreams have been. After all, I'm not one who usually has dreams that feel like the every day, where I'm plugging away at work or going to school only to find I've forgotten to wear pants. Rather, my dreams have always felt like elaborate films or action set pieces (the ones I remember, at least). Sometimes there will be zombies chasing after me and a group of survivors who look like my friends. Other times, a dragon might erupt from the floor of my preschool.

I ask you, dear readers, who wouldn't want to explore that kind of fantastical world over the mundane boring real world?

In The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening, after being struck by lightning in the middle of a storm, Link washes up on the shores of Koholint Island. What he doesn't initially know, although he will later find out, is that Koholint exists only as the dream of the mythical Wind Fish. It's an illusory land filled with people and monsters and nightmares, along with references to the Mario games.

While some might argue Link's actions heinous as he strives to leave the island by waking the Wind Fish because to do so would destroy a living breathing world, I believe Link's actions are no worse than what we do in our fictional video games. For, no matter how real something can feel or seem, in the end, Marin and the villagers we meet are only figments of another's imagination. They aren't real. At least, not in the way most would understand.

I'm sure you've heard the argument before. Especially when one grows attached to a set of programmed pixels. In my head I know Garrus Vakkarian wouldn't look twice at me and that he's a fictional alien, but it doesn't stop me from fantasising over the best way to get him to fall for my Commander Shepard.

The same could be extended to characters in television shows and movies. The time we spent with them can feel as real as spending time with actual friends, but in the end, they're not actually a living breathing flesh human you could possibly bump into on the street. Yes, you might bump into the actor who plays them but an actor could be miles different from the character you've come to know and love.

On that note, just because something isn't real doesn't mean our connection with them isn't. As the Wind Fish says, though no-one else will ever encounter Koholint Island after it's gone, it lives on in Link's memory and the gamers who played the game.

It's a bit like grief and losing someone close to you. In fact, it's the perfect allegory/ metaphor.

They might be gone in the physical sense but they will always be with you in spirit. As long as you cling to those precious memories of who they once were and dream of the possibility of who they could be.

Now if you feel like someone has been cutting onions close to you, wipe away those tears for I need to get started proper on my impression on Link's Awakening.

Eschewing the very popular Tears of the Kingdom, I chose to use the back portion of 2023 to catch up on a few of the games I missed earlier in the Switch's life cycle in order to free up some storage on my limited storage space. 128GB is simply not enough. Heck, even the 700GB my PlayStation 5 internal storage isn't enough for all the games I want to play when every new game trends towards 100 GB upon disc install.

But I also wanted to play Link's Awakening because it was a Zelda game I have yet to play. And because it was also nice and short and I could use it as a palate cleanser from the very lengthy Fire Emblem: Engage. Plus, you know, the claymation style also tickled my fancy.

From the moment Link awoke, I was on my way gathering up all the necessary things I'd need to wake the Wind Fish and to explore Koholint Island. Along the way, I encountered nightmares trying to prevent the Wind Fish from waking, along with the occasional meta fourth wall breaks from the denizens of the world.

Over the course of the time I spent with the game, I managed to collect all of the heart containers, upgrades for my weapons and fish up Cheep Cheeps and Ol' Baron.

Unlike the sprawling open worlds that have come to dominate the wider video game landscape, Link's Awakening was downright compact, even as I occasionally backtracked because I missed a Secret Shell or unlocked a new way to reach a heart container. The world felt alive in a way so many open-world games lack because of the forethought when it came to item placement and the construction of the world.

From a gameplay perspective, Link's Awakening follows a tried and true formula of unlocking specific items that help you in the following boss battle, which in turn allows Link to explore the rest of the island as new routes open up.

Given how short the game is, it helps gate certain content while also leaving players salivating for what might come next. I know I was always keen to see where Link would be directed to go next and how the new tools in his arsenal would help him solve the problems placed before him.

Special mention, though, needs to be placed on the Roc Feather, which allowed Link to jump. Oh, and the grapple hook. Those were some of the most useful tools in Link's arsenal and in most situations, they were the two items I kept equipped unless I faced an enemy that needed a different approach.

While some puzzles and dungeons could be a little obtuse, especially the latter ones, I didn't find myself too aggrieved. After all, in the day of the internet, it's easier to find the path I need to go to unlock the next path forward before putting my phone down to enjoy the game as is.

Still, a hint system wouldn't hurt on the odd occasion when the going gets tough. Especially when it came to figuring out how the horse chess pieces worked.

As for story, well, there's not much to say. There's no real threat beyond the nightmares preventing the Wind Fish, and by extension Link, from awakening. Indeed, their actions are only confined to the dungeons they're located in and are only exacerbated by Link's attempt to get off the island to, no doubt, rescue Princess Zelda in some part of Hyrule.

There's no underlying subplot waiting to be uncovered.

Link's objective is clear. Wake the Wind Fish. Get off Koholint Island.

And once he's completed it, the game ends.

There is much that could be said of the minimal plot but it serves its purpose to keep the players plodding along. While the reveal that Koholint Island is only a dream might offer up a dilemma to players', Link, for his part, keeps on pressing on.

But as with all stories, be they video games, books and dreams, there always comes an end. If anything, Link's Awakening only serves to make it clear that although something may end, they can remain with us for as long as wish. Certainly, the creation of fanfiction is one such way. And even now when I look back on a wonderful, they all serve as a means to keeping Koholint Island alive although my time with it has gone, vanishing into the swirling mists of the subconsciousness as I rise to the surface and wake.

[kwanisms]

Hiraeth

profiles: 01 || 02

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summary: Moon Byeoli lives in Busan with her best friend Jamie Park and works at the aquarium. Their next door neighbor is Park Sungjin. Growing up, Byeoli has never really believed in the supernatural always finding a logical explanation for things that go bump in the night. Her life is about to be thrown out of control when new neighbors move in across the hall. What will happen when Byeoli befriends them and learns they aren’t exactly… human.

ch 20 - spidey senses

pairing: sungjin x oc x hyunjin

warnings: foul language, mention of death and crime scenes

updates every Friday & Saturday @ 7PM CST

a/n: times and dates DO NOT matter!!

taglist: @yoonguurt @x-woozi @lachinitaaaaa

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Byeoli sighed, setting her phone down. Hyunjin glanced up, smiling at her grumpy expression. "What's wrong?" he asked. Byeoli looked up at him. "Jamie thinks I have no chance against a serial killer," she said, crossing her arms with a huff.

The two sat on the couch, Byeoli at one end and Hyunjin at the other. He'd texted her the moment he heard about the body and asked if she was home alone. She was in the middle of reading the article when she got his message and asked him to keep her company. He'd shown up minutes after.

They settled onto the sofa quickly, scrolling on their phones as a comfortable silence fell between them. Byeoli couldn't help but keep glancing up at him. The way he had been so focused on his screen, eyebrows pulling together as he bit his bottom lip, making him look so cute.

Hyunjin let out a laugh and quickly apologized. "I'm sorry, Byeoli," he said. "But she's got a point," he added. Byeoli's jaw dropped before she looked offended. "I'll have you know I took taekwondo," she said, lips forming into a frown.

"Really? What belt are you, yellow?" Hyunjin asked, a teasing smirk beginning to form as he looked down at his phone. Byeoli let out a small 'hmph,' glaring at him. "I'll have you know, I'm actually a red belt," she replied. Hyunjin looked back up quickly. "Really?" he asked.

Byeoli nodded. "Sungjin didn't believe me either when I told him. I had to show him," she answered. Hyunjin set his phone down, giving Byeoli his full attention. "How did you prove it?" he asked. A smile appeared on Byeoli's face as she remembered that day at the park near the beach.

"I threw him over my shoulder," she said, looking towards the balcony door. “You threw him over your shoulder?” He asked incredulously. Byeoli nodded, her smile growing as she looked back at him. “No way,” he said, shaking his head. Byeoli picked up her phone and unlocked the screen. She started scrolling until she held the screen in front of him, displaying a video playing on loop.

It looked like it was in the park near the beach. Hyunjin could see a corner of a blanket at the bottom edge of the screen.

On screen Byeoli was standing up, shoes removed, wearing a light pink tee and short denim overalls. Her long hair was pulled back into a half updo. Sungjin had removed his shoes and towered over her tiny frame in a black tee and light blue denim jeans. He was removing his jacket and stood facing her. “Don’t hold back, Byeol,” a voice said on the video. Hyunjin recognized the voice as Jamie’s.

She got into a ready stance, eyes on Sungjin who started laughing, doubling over. “She’s trying to look menacing, but she’s so tiny!” He wheezed. “Yah, Park Sungjin, just get on with it!” Another voice said. Hyunjin didn’t recognize that voice. The camera panned over to the guy he’d seen on Byeoli’s instagram. The one that had gone to see her at the aquarium. ‘Brian, wasn’t it?’

The camera was back on Byeoli and Sungjin.

Hyunjin watched in awe as Sungjin took a step towards Byeoli, reaching to grab her. She knocked one hand away and grabbed his outstretched arm, turned into him, and pulled him with ease, throwing him over her shoulder and onto his back on the grass. The camera shook as Jamie and Brian cheered off camera. Byeoli gave a bow, a smile on her face before she reached down to help Sungjin up.

She pulled him up with ease and the two walked back towards the camera before it cut off.

Byeoli set her phone down and Hyunjin sat stunned. “Okay, color me impressed,” he said, the grin on his face reflecting that. “I’ve also thrown Brian and he’s taller than Sungjin,” Byeoli replied. “You’re just so tiny,” Hyunjin said, leaning forward slightly. Byeoli nodded. “I’ve always been small. Even as a kid,” she admitted. “Which is why my parents were so intent on me taking self defense and martial arts.”

Hyunjin smiled as she touched on her background. “I used to compete,” she said, looking up at him. “I always came in the top three. That was before we moved and I went to a new dojo,” she stated, turning her eyes to look towards the TV, looking at the clock above it. “How long did you continue to take classes?” Hyunjin asked, watching her. “Until I graduated high school,” she answered, eyes turning back to meet his gaze. “I take refresher classes occasionally. Just to maintain my rank,” she added.

“Don’t you want to move up a rank?” He asked. “A black belt sounds better than a lower belt,” he added. Byeoli shook her head. “Surprisingly, people pay more attention if I say I’m a red belt. A lot of people claim to be black belts ‘cause it’s supposed to be the best of the best, but if I say I’m a red belt, people are more likely to believe my claim,” she explained. Hyunjin nodded, realizing she had a point.

The two of them fell silent for a moment before both spoke at the same time.

“Do you want something to eat?”

“Can you show me how to do that?”

Byeoli stared at Hyunjin who stared right back. Both started laughing before Hyunjin asked her what she said. “I asked if you want something to eat,” she said again. Hyunjin nodded, looking down at his hands in his lap. “What did you say?” She asked. He looked back up. “I asked if you could show me how you did that,” he said, nodding towards her phone. Byeoli let out another laugh as she got up.

“Sure,” she said as she walked past him and into the kitchen. “After we eat though,” she added as she moved towards the fridge. “Do you want some pasta?” She asked, eyes scanning the contents of the refrigerator. She glanced back at Hyunjin who nodded, a smile on his face. “Chicken Alfredo it is.”

An hour and a meal later, Byeoli stood in the front room, the coffee table moved to give them room. She’d thrown a few cushions onto the ground and Hyunjin stood facing her. She didn’t know why she felt so nervous. She’d done plenty of throws before but this was different somehow.

She planted her feet and nodded at Hyunjin. “So, I just—“ he asked and she nodded again. “Just come at me,” she said, gesturing him forward but not losing her focus. Time seemed to move slower as Hyunjin stepped forward, reaching out to grab Byeoli. She dodged his attempt, stepping in as she grabbed his arm, and turned her back into him. In one swift movement, she yanked his arm down, using her back against his chest and flipped him over her and onto the cushions with a soft thump.

Hyunjin stared up at her, eyes wide and lips parted. Byeoli let go of his arm, chuckling as she looked down at him. “You alright?” She asked, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear. Hyunjin stared up at the ceiling. “I think I’m in love,” he said softly. Byeoli burst into laughter and moved around to help him up. Hyunjin sat up, taking her hands and instead of allowing her to pull him up, he pulled her down on top of him. She let out a squeal and a small ‘oof’ as she landed on him.

He smiled at her as she pushed herself up. “What was that for?” She asked softly, brow furrowed. Hyunjin only smiled, reaching up to tuck a loose strand of her hair behind her ear, his hand lingering near her cheek. Byeoli could feel the heat rising in her cheeks, no doubt turning them a soft pinkish color. “Hyunjin?” She said softly. It wasn’t so much a question as it was to fill the empty silence.

He leaned in slowly, eyes darting to her lips and back up to her eyes. Byeoli felt her heart hammer against her ribs, eyes fluttering shut as she felt the tip of his nose gently brush against hers, lips so close she could feel his breath.

A loud buzzing and blast of music interrupted them. Hyunjin whispered a curse and moved quickly, getting up to grab his phone. Byeoli opened her eyes, looking at the floor in shock. ‘That was so close…’ she turned to look up at Hyunjin as he stood, looking at his phone. His eyes moved quickly, scanning the screen as he read. “Shit,” he murmured. “Everything okay?” Byeoli asked, getting to her feet. Hyunjin turned to look at her. “Something came up. I gotta run across the hall,” he said, pocketing his phone.

He took her hand and pulled her into him, wrapping his arms around her. “I’ll be right back,” he muttered. Byeoli nodded, hugging him back. “Are you gonna be alright here by yourself for a bit?” He asked, pulling back to look down at her. Byeoli pursed her lips. “Did I or did I not just throw you over my shoulder?” She asked, a smirk threatening to spread across her face. Hyunjin nodded. “Fair point.”

“I’ll be back soon,” he said, reaching up and caressing her cheek.

“I’ll be here.”

Hyunjin felt his heart tug. The tone of her voice made him want to stay. To continue where they were before his phone came between them. He’d love nothing more than to pull her back down onto the cushions and kiss her over and over again. Unfortunately, there were more pressing matters his roommates had to discuss with him regarding the recently string of murders.

Hyunjin slipped on his shoes and glanced back at Byeoli, giving her a smile before he unlocked and opened the door, stepping into the hall and letting the door shut behind him.

He crossed the hall and unlocked his apartment door, stepping inside where his roommates sat around the living room. They glanced up at him as he entered. His eyes fell on Han and he made a note to remind himself to verbally chew out the demon for interrupting what was supposed to be a special moment with Byeoli. “Alright,” he said, closing the door and kicking off his shoes before joining them.

“What did you find?”

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[villainsandvictimsalliance]

Nowhere near as exciting as your ex-agent Dabi and Mafia family Tomura idea, but what about a bakery AU starring:

Kurogiri, as the owner who hires people shunned and maligned for their quirks to give them a sense of belonging and worth

Tenko, as the anxious, angry young man forced by his dad to find a job or be kicked out onto the street

Touya, as the lead baker with mysterious burn scars who teaches Tenko the trade while teasing/challenging him constantly

Toga, as the energetic pastry chef who loves her crushes, blood, and the art of food in that order

Spinner, as the barista who no longer hides his mutation quirk and is fiercely protective of his friends

Magne, as the manager who's more like a big sister to the staff than their supervisor

Twice, as the prep cook with a sad past but hopes for the future

Mustard, as the high school student working the counter part time and always coming up with "experiments" when no one's watching him

Atsuhiro Sako, as the supply salesman with a flair for the dramatic

Plus, Moonfish, Muscular, UA kids/teachers, and others appearing as customers

Basically, Tenko applies for a job as an assistant baker because 1. It's at night so he won't have to deal with people, 2. It doesn't require any previous experience, and 3. His dad threatened to kick him out of the house if he doesn't "stop wasting his life on video games and either get a job or go to school". He nervously shows up for the interview and is surprised at how kind both Kurogiri and Magne are to him despite his awkwardness, scars/skin, and his quirk. In this AU, people with quirks considered "potentially villainous" are closely monitored and treated as if they're destined to become criminals (a lot like the reactions to Shinsō's quirk). His father often brings up how Tenko accidentally killed the family dog when his quirk activated for the first time at the age of four or five. Years of mental and emotional abuse like this reinforces the idea that his son must have been born bad and any attempts at striving for something will end in failure.

To Tenko's pleasant surprise he gets hired. His first night on the job starts with Kurogiri teaching him how to mix dough and put it through a machine that turns it into bagels. (BTW, I work as a baker at a bagel shop, which is how this silly idea came about.) Tenko tells himself it's just like playing a video game, and quickly starts getting the hang of things.

Then he meets Touya, who's supposed to teach him the actual baking process. Tenko's immediately annoyed by Touya's attitude and teasing ("You Decay any of this equipment and it's coming out of your paycheck, mophead"). He throws himself into the task, determined to shut Touya up. And secretly, Touya's impressed by his show of determination and tackling something new. He hopes to himself that Tenko lasts unlike other people who fell by the wayside.

And Tenko does stay, getting to know the others who've come to form a sort of family at the bakery. He becomes close with Himiko and Shuichi in particular, empathizing with the isolation they endured and the harsh demands Toga's own parents put on her. These new friendships make putting up with Touya every night worth it.

Then Tenko overhears an angry phone conversation and realizes Touya's not all smooth confidence and devil may care attitude. That his home life may be just as messy and painful as his. Bit by bit, Tenko learns more about his coworker and opens up in turn, each seeing they have quite a bit in common. Rivalry turns to friendship (though it still has a healthy streak of competition). Over time, however, things between them start to shift yet again. The usual jokes ("Aw, did you burn your fingers? Want me to kiss them and make it better?") cause awkward silences and flustered backpedaling. The number of accidental hand touches and bumping into each other increases ten fold. Eventually, it gets to a point where they can't deny romantic feelings snuck up on them when they weren't looking.

Like I said, not exciting or action-packed. Most of the conflict would be about the characters dealing with unhealthy family relationships, overcoming the terrible things they were taught to believe about themselves, and society's crappy treatment of them, I think. And they'd fight both by sticking together and supporting one another rather than being forced to become villains. It'll take on a clearer shape as it's written.

Thanks for letting me ramble! I just wanted to share so maybe my mind will settle down and let me work on this.

LISTEN FIRST ANON, NEVER— AND I WANT TO MAKE THIS VERY CLEAR— UNDERESTIMATE YOUR ABILITY TO MAKE ME SCREAM LIKE A MAD MAN HAVING THE BEST DAY OF HIS LIFE.

Anon, please you need to write this. We all have different ideas, different approaches, different portrayals and points of view. THAT'S NOT BAD. In fact, that's the opposite of bad. That's why we get a great range of fanfics, that's why we can enjoy new things and cry with new genres or enjoy new content.

And I absolute adore whenever people bring their knowledge about something into an au. I could have never come with anything so well written or so complex because I have never worked in a bakery, but you have! You have the ingredients, you have the tools, and look at what lovely au you have created!

I'm obsessed with this. I'm obsessed with the softness of this. This is like a butterfly kiss on your cheek on a summer afternoon while you watch a lake reflect the sky.

I want to know more about this. I want you to tell me more about your fanfic ideas and even if you want, I can help you write this, but please, let others enjoy this as much as I enjoy it. Because it's so so so so good.

A lot of villains fans are looking for this type of comfort. Damn, it is a dream to see a bakery filled with people who are getting better and finally having a chance in life, becoming a family, finding love, fighting their abusers in their own ways.

You even gave them the specific jobs. I'm— 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 this is so well thought. Really, please write this. Please.

[latte-fairytaekwoon]

𝚈𝚊𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛𝚎! 𝙰𝚝𝚎𝚎𝚣 𝙿𝚛𝚘𝚏𝚒𝚕𝚎𝚜: 𝙹𝚞𝚗𝚐 𝚆𝚘𝚘𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚐

Disclaimer: In no way am I condoning, promoting, encouraging, justifying nor romanticizing yandere behavior or lifestyle. This is all a work of fiction and not meant to represent real life scenarios.

Warnings: Mentions of toxic relationships, yandere behavior, bullying, harassment, blackmail, sexual scenes, abusive relationship, manipulation, verbal abuse, abortion, attempted murder.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

𝐁𝐚𝐬𝐢𝐜 𝐈𝐧𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧:

𝙽𝚊𝚖𝚎: 𝙹𝚞𝚗𝚐 𝚆𝚘𝚘𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚐

𝙳.𝙾.𝙱: 𝙽𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚖𝚋𝚎𝚛 𝟸𝟼𝚝𝚑, 𝟷𝟿𝟿𝟿

𝙷𝚎𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝: 𝟷𝟽𝟹 𝙲𝙼/ 𝟻'𝟾 𝙵𝚝.

𝙰𝚐𝚐𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚜𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝙻𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚕: ■■■■■100%

𝙾𝚋𝚜𝚎𝚜𝚜𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝙻𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚕: ■■■■□90%

𝙼𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚊𝚕 𝙸𝚗𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚋𝚒𝚕𝚒𝚝𝚢: ■■■■□80%

𝙾𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚃𝚑𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚝 𝙻𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚕: 𝙷𝚒𝚐𝚑

𝚈𝚊𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝙲𝚕𝚊𝚜𝚜𝚒𝚏𝚒𝚌𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗: 𝚃𝚘𝚛𝚖𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚘𝚛

𝙱𝚎𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚒𝚘𝚛𝚊𝚕 𝙰𝚗𝚊𝚕𝚢𝚜𝚒𝚜:

𝙰𝚋𝚒𝚕𝚒𝚝𝚢 𝚝𝚘 𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚏𝚎𝚌𝚝𝚕𝚢 𝚖𝚊𝚜𝚔 𝚑𝚒𝚖𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚏 𝚊𝚜 𝚊 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚜/𝚘.

𝚃𝚑𝚛𝚒𝚟𝚎𝚜 𝚘𝚏𝚏 𝚙𝚊𝚒𝚗 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚜𝚞𝚏𝚏𝚎𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚘𝚏 𝚘𝚋𝚓𝚎𝚌𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚝 .

𝚄𝚜𝚎𝚜 𝚋𝚕𝚊𝚌𝚔𝚖𝚊𝚒𝚕 𝚊𝚜 𝚖𝚎𝚊𝚗𝚜 𝚝𝚘 𝚐𝚎𝚝 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚑𝚎 𝚍𝚎𝚜𝚒𝚛𝚎𝚜.

𝙳𝚎𝚜𝚙𝚒𝚜𝚎𝚜 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝚘𝚋𝚓𝚎𝚌𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚝 𝚛𝚎𝚏𝚞𝚜𝚎𝚜 𝚝𝚘 𝚘𝚋𝚎𝚢.

𝙽𝚘𝚝 𝚊𝚋𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚒𝚗𝚏𝚕𝚒𝚌𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚙𝚑𝚢𝚜𝚒𝚌𝚊𝚕 𝚙𝚊𝚒𝚗.

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You had known him for the longest time, probably since you were both learning the alphabet.

Even back then he was a troublesome boy.

Loved to dip your hair in paint, pour glue inside your backpack.

Or always pushed you off the swings cause he wanted to play in it.

This didn't really faze you back then.

Most of the boys that age played such tricks on almost all the girls.

They all had a specific target and you were Wooyoung's.

You remember telling this one day to your mom, who simply chuckled.

"Honey, boys tend to tease the girls they have a crush on."

You remember looking at her with confusion.

How could they treat someone they like with such utter disrespect and rudeness?

"Because they don't know how to express their feelings."

Like an idiot you believed that, and being the naive little girl you were, you kinda started developing a crush on him.

You remember the first time you talked back to him, it's engraved in your head because it was the first time of many to come where his words, and actions, hurt you.

"Just admit you like me Wooyoung! You only tease me cause you're in love with me."

You remember the rage and disgust in his eyes as he shoved you to the ground, making you scrape your knee on the pavement.

"Get this through that dumb brain of yours Y/N....

No one will ever love a dirty little rat like you."

You came home crying that day. Hurt physically and emotionally at his words.

And the years to come weren't better, as you grew up, Wooyoung's bullying towards you escalated.

You hoped that after you graduated high school and started going to university, you'd be free from him, never see him again.

You could finally be happy for once in your life. Focus on your goals and career.

Everything was going great for you!.......

Until you walked into class and found out not only had Wooyoung been accepted to the same university...

He was majoring in the same field as you!

"Hey dirty little rat. Missed me?"

His cocky smile sent shivers down your spine, you were already fearing what he had in store for you.

If you thought high school was hell, it was nowhere near as awful as the torment Wooyoung was now putting on you.

Tripping you down the stairs to the point you had severe injuries.

Writing nasty and derogatory names on your desk that now wouldn't come off and you'd be forced to look at every time you went to class.

One time he went as far as stealing your assignments, ultimately leading to failing an entire semester.

You were so heartbroken and just done with his shit. You felt no more motivation to even continue studying.

Until a cute boy named Yeonjun transferred and took an interest in you.

He was super nice, friendly and not to mention good looking and hella tall.

It was more than obvious too that he wanted establish a relationship with you, anyone and everyone could see that.

Especially Wooyoung and he did not look the way someone else was making you happy.

So he devised a plan, not caring how messed up it was.

He made sure someone convinced you to go to a party he'd be at.

You found it odd that he was suddenly acting super nice to you, not even calling you those mild nicknames he called you in front of others.

And it shocked you even more when he suddenly apologized to you for everything he'd done to you, even offering to talk to your professor about your assignment.

His eyes seemed so sincere, you actually believed him.

Perhaps he finally decided to change, realized his behavior was unnecessary and immature and of course, like an idiot you accepted his apology.

You got wasted for the first time in your life that night and could not remember anything at all.

Until Wooyoung was 'kind' enough to brief you in on what happened.

He pulled out his phone and made you watch a video he had filmed of you two that night.

Your stomach hurled over as you realized it was a fucking sex tape, you and Wooyoung had actually fucked that night.

"What! No no! This couldn't have happened! There's no way!" You refused to believe it.

Wooyoung just smirked at you.

"Oh but it did happen kitten. You were so eager too as the video displays, you kept asking me to go harder, begging me for another round and wanting my cum all over you..."

"I wonder what would the whole school say if I posted it online....especially Yeonjun."

Now you realized what his game was. He was never sorry. It was just another form of him to torture you, and this tipped the scale.

You were so shaken up, you got down on your knees and begged him not to show anyone the video.

"Please Wooyoung! I'll do anything! Anything!"

"Anything?......really? How about becoming mine then?"

And now you were forever tied to your worst nightmare.

Wooyoung especially enjoyed seeing Yeonjun's disappointed and heartbroken look when he announced that you two were now dating.

Now he couldn't even look at you anymore, feeling somewhat betrayed by your actions.

You wanted to tell him you were sorry and explain to him what was going on, but Wooyoung had eyes on you 24/7.

He even made you move in with him and now even your free time had to be spent with him.

You hated living with him.

He not only made sure to verbally abuse you, but actually seemed to have fun causing tiny accidents to happen around you.

His favorite was when he'd peer over your shoulder as you tried to study.

He scoffed. "Why even bother if all you'll ever be good at is spreading your legs?"

Those were his favorite insults: "whore" "slut" "bitch".

One time you were just so fed up with him, that you ended up snapping back.

"Shut the fuck up Wooyoung! You're such an insufferable piece of shit, no wonder your mom left you and your dad back in middle school."

As soon as the words came out, you wanted to swallow them back in.

Wooyoung was livid at your words.

He not only yanked you up by your hair, but he actually threw you to the floor and started kicking you harshly.

He didn't kick you for too long though, he did not want to risk anyone questioning when he told them you fell down the stairs.

And especially not take you to the hospital.

You had no choice but to stay home as you tried to recuperate.

You remember one of those days, you came home from a quick trip to the convenience store and found some girl blowing Wooyoung on the couch.

You weren't fazed. He often brought girls home and fucked them right in front of you.

You just sighed and decided to ignore the shit eating grin he'd give you whenever you caught him.

You decided long ago it wasn't worth it.

You two weren't even dating cause you wanted to.

He just loved controlling you, having power over you, holding something over your head.

He had this obsessive need to make you miserable.

And you hated that you had no choice but to allow it.

Even when there were things you didn't want to do, you had to or he'd once again blackmail you.

The one time you adamantly refused to was when you found out you were pregnant.

Wooyoung was just as shocked as you.

"And you're telling me I'm the father?"

"Uh......I can't have sex with anyone who isn't you, obviously you're the father."

Wooyoung couldn't let you go through with the pregnancy.

"Get rid of it." He told you.

You wrapped a protective hand around your bump.

"No! This is my baby and I won't allow you to harm it!"

You weren't going to budge though.

"Show the tape to everyone! I don't give a fuck anymore! But I'm not killing an innocent child who has done nothing wrong. "

Realizing he was losing control of you, Wooyoung knocked you out unconscious, deciding to take matters into your own hands.

You woke up a day later, feeling sore and aching in your inner thighs and lower abdomen.

You immediately panicked and sensed something was wrong.

You didn't need Wooyoung to tell you, you knew he had taken you to a clinic and had the baby removed.

You were so shaken up, cried your eyes out and no longer had any will to fight against Wooyoung.

You felt like it all all your fault, the death of your baby was your fault.

You weren't strong enough to save it and it was killing you inside.

You no longer trusted anyone, and you didn't have the heart to talk about it to anyone. Not like they'd believe you or care about you.

But someone did notice, Yeonjun never stopped caring about you and although he was hurt you went with someone else, he still had feelings for you.

And he was very observant and noticed that ever since you started dating Wooyoung, you were skipping a lot of classes....

And you were having a lot of accidents...too many in fact.

And now he just saw you completely lost and like a walking dead.

"Hey Y/N, are you ok?" He asked you one day.

You were going to respond, but the devil made an appearance by your side.

"She's fine and was just coming home with me. Weren't you baby?"

To everyone, it looked like a sweet and caring smile from your doting boyfriend, but you knew it was all fake.

Nonetheless you just kept your head low and went home with him.

Yeonjun noticed the way you trembled when he put his arm around you, noticed the frightened look in your eyes and he knew something was wrong in your relationship.

When you got home, Wooyoung was pissed off at you and immediately struck your face.

"I thought I told you not to talk to him! Can't you obey a simple order you fucking bitch?!"

When he pulled out a knife from the kitchen, you were now scared for your life.

You tried to fight back, but Wooyoung was stronger than you and you were still in pain after the abortion.

He knocked you to the floor and managed to land 2 stab wounds into your right side.

You could never forget the wrath and hate in his eyes as he told you:

"I'm going to fucking kill you."

By some miracle, someone taller and stronger than Wooyoung got him off you, that someone being none other than Yeonjun.

He felt glad about following his hunch and followed you both back home, otherwise he'd end up reading about you in the newspaper.

He had no trouble in subduing Wooyoung and calling the police.

The only thing on his mind was getting you to the hospital as soon as possible.

"It's ok Y/N. You're going to be fine." He assured you

Your physical injuries were easy to recover from, but the emotional trauma and abuse Wooyoung put you through was not.

Yet Yeonjun was there every step of the way, going with you to therapy and just listening to you and your terrifying story.

For the first time in your life, you felt truly loved and happy....

And safe.

A year after the ordeal, you were doing much better and were nearly fully recuperated.

Yeonjun and you rented a place together and were completely in love with each other.

Everything seemed to be going perfect....

And then one day your phone rang.

Picking up, you asked "Hello?"

"Don't think it's over yet you dirty little rat."

[jjaeong]

Airports, And Convenience Stores.

Series: KPOP Girl Group: 이달의 소녀 (LOONA).

Pairing: Kim Hyunjin & Idol Female Reader.

Summary: If you told Y/N that a once-in-a-lifetime encounter with her favorite idol at a convenience store from way back in her trainee days would be stuck on the idol's mind for years—she wouldn't believe you. Well, until the said idol bumps into her again at a public setting and asks for her number infront of every news outlet there is.

"I'll be going now!"

"Don't forget my cider!"

"I won't!" shutting the door behind you, the familiar tune of the door signalling that it's locked played as you made your way down the hallway, adjusting the strap of your tote bag that you usually brought with you whenever you went out to do some grocery shopping. You pushed your hands into the pockets of your hoodie, making your way into the elevator and pressing the key to the ground floor before humming a song that had been going on repeat in your head ever since you first listened to it. Of course, the song was LOONA Kim Hyunjin's solo song "Around You" that had came out just a few months ago. You stumbled upon it just as when their four-member group had released their most recent song "Love&Live" which had you hooked in no time—making you get into the entire discography, and after playing everything on repeat, Kim Hyunjin just slipped her way into your heart. Maybe it was how her voice just sounds so soothing in her song, or how odd the plot of her music video was yet it reminded you of the feeling of home—you couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was about Kim Hyunjin that just spoke to you.

Well, it could also be that she's very pretty too.

You were never the one for such things, but you were drawn to the rookie idol who has yet proven herself to the audience. Somehow, this seemed to be even more attractive to you—a company that popped out of nowhere with the idea that releasing a new member every month, accompanied by a lore that keeps you reeled in every comeback..

There's so much to look forward to, and you've just been introduced to the first unit.

Your mind wanders about the lore as you walked out of the dorm's building, your feet leading you to the usual convenience store you know that was open around this time of the morning. Sometimes, you choose to stay in the store to converse with the staff that had always been kind to you, not minding at all that you were one of the most anticipated trainees to debut in your current lineup considering that articles had already spread about a monster rookie girl group to debut under SM Entertainment with your stage name highlighted on it. It was astonishing how your hard work had seemed to pay off, but with your already growing fanbase, it even further fueled the burning passion inside you to keep working harder to be able to become strong even after you debut.

Before entering the store, you stopped infront of the glass doors to pull your phone out to check if there had been any more requests from your members. This pattern with making sure to check your phone before entering the store had also been engraved in you once you came back with a bag full of snacks for your group, only to be caught by your manager and them to confiscate it all because you were on a diet—could've been avoided if only you checked the warning messages from your unnies that they sent you before you came back.

2:25AM, it read on the screen.

"Ah, Y/N. It's always nice when you drop by~"

"I can't stay for long unnie, I need to go back to the practice room after I buy these.." you motioned to the list on your phone, nose scrunched as you grabbed a basket while the pretty store clerk, Haejin, pouted at you.

"Busier and busier, huh.. Why—are you debuting tomorrow already??" you walked past her and made your way to the shelves, laughing at the eagerness in her tone as your eyes scanned the snacks for the specific ones your members had requested.

"I'm sure that if I had the date already, It'd be postponed before I even manage to tell my parents about it."

"They're so strict about that." Haejin groaned from the counter as you smiled to yourself, shrugging as if she could even see you.

"They're leading for a reason."

"I just hope you'll still be able to do these types of things once you debut, I'll barricade the doors from your saesangs if I have to."

"Unnie, how do I know you're not going to be one of my sasaengs?"

"Ah—this kid, really!" your laugh echoed through the empty convenience store yet again, the soft melody of whatever was on the radio playing in the background as you walked around the place. You pointed out numerous new items on the shelves that Haejin didn't hesitate to tell you about when they arrived, along with the reviews about them—you swear that this girl was the most enthusiastic convenience store employee you've ever encountered in your life but you guessed that it was because the girl liked your company's idols and they often drop by on her shift as well.

Haejin, as much as college seemed to have her in a chokehold—enjoyed beeing a store clerk for the reason of satiating her inner fangirl over her idols being friends with her because she worked there.

As you pulled open one of the fridge doors to look for a tub of your member's specified brand of ice cream, you heard the bells ring by the entrance, indicating a customer entering the store. You heard Haejin greet them, low voices conversing as you finally found the ice cream you were looking for and walked over to the beverage fridge, knowing exactly where the cider your unnie asked for was located.

"The bread is on that aisle." Haejin's polite voice told the customer whos footsteps you could hear was about a few shelves behind you. Managing to finish contemplating it over in your head if you wanted cider as well, you settled on grabbing strawberry milk instead and turned to make your way to the counter when you failed to feel the approaching presence from behind you. You gasped when you felt the collision of your heads against each other just before your body crashed into theirs, practically pushing the both of you to the shelves if it wasn't for you quickly stepping back and grabbing the stranger by both of their arms, dropping your basket to the ground.

"I'm so sorry, are you alright? I should've watched where I was going I—" the girl who had her head down, phone in hand against her head as she clutched a cream bun in her other looked disoriented just from how she stood as you kept a firm grip on her arms to keep her steady. You leaned over to look at her face to see if she really was alright but you could barely make out her features through her hair, brows furrowed and eyes closed.

"Ah.. I'm so stupid, I'm so sorry.." you kept trying to apologize when she quickly shook her head, rubbing her hand that held her phone on the spot where your head had hit hers.

"No, no.. I thought you weren't that close—it's my fault."

"You took it harder than I did, do you want to sit down for a while? Maybe I can—" your breath hitched when the girl finally lifted her face, brows furrowed and a frown set on her lips as her eyes stayed stuck scanning the ground. You could feel how almost instantly your heart started racing, the sound almost blocking your ears from the radio playing in the background, eyes scanning her features as she stood there in all of her glory looking as distraught as ever.

Yet very, very ethereal.

Oh my God it's Kim Hyunjin, holy sh—

"My cream bread.." her airy voice quickly snapped you back into the present, looking down at the crushed bread in her hand before eyeing the now less disoriented girl that stood infront of you. You didn't even notice how long you were just staring at her as she stared down at her bread, until she connected her eyes with you, blinking before tilting her head.

Her eyes are so pretty—

"You're that trainee in the articles." Kim Hyunjin mumbled, and only if you were paying any extra attention—you would've heard how much in awe she was, but you quickly panicked once you realized that she recognized you.

Kim Hyunjin knows who you are.

"I'm so sorry! I'll buy you two cream buns to compensate for my actions! I didn't mean to bump into you like this—I'm sorry for being a junior leaving such a bad impression! Please let me make it up to you, sunbaenim!" Hyunjin's face consorted into pure confusion when you quickly pulled your hands off her arms, taking a step back and doing a full 90° bow infront of her. She scanned you for a moment, eyeing your basket full of snacks and rocking back on the soles of her feet before leaning over to get on the same level as you, hands on her knees.

"Just.. Two cream buns?" she asked, making direct eye contact with you as you slightly turned your face to meet hers, instantly flushing at her expectant look.

"As many as you'd like, sunbaenim!" you rephrased in haste, Hyunjin's expectant look changed into amusement before a bashful smile made it's way on her lips. She reached over to pat your head gently, the action taking your breath away for a moment but she didn't seem to think that much about it, standing up straight before lightly rubbing on the spot where your heads met, looking as if she's contemplating something. You took this as a sign that she took offer, still it didn't stop you from anxiously getting back up on normal level as her eyes scanned the fridge behind you.

"I..I'll go get them for you quickly—"

"What's your name?" Hyunjin asked just as you made a move to retrieve the bread, you stopped on your tracks to look back at the older girl. Her eyes pierced through yours as if she was looking for something in them but at the moment, you could barely think about anything else other than appeasing the idol.

"Y/L/N Y/N, I'm just a trainee.." your eyes widened at your introduction, knowing damn well Hyunjin just said that she knew you were a trainee. You internally face palmed yourself but Hyunjin didn't seem to mind, if anything—the girl could almost feel your panic and as much as it pained her, she couldn't help but find your flustered state endearing.

And if you could only hear how many times Hyunjin's inner voice tried to convince her to ask for your number, or edge you more into keeping contact with her to make up for such a small mistake.. Hyunjin didn't want to be mean to you, but she's currently thinking of ways to keep you from leaving without giving her your number.

"Ah.. That rings a bell.." Hyunjin dragged her words slowly, nodding to herself as you stood there almost shaking in your spot. She looks down at her crushed bread in hand, thinking if you noticed her crushing it literally after you collided when she caught a glimpse of who exactly she bumped into.

Ofcourse she'd exaggerate her disorientation.

"Is everything okay here..?" Haejin walked over to you two, eyeing your flushed state before staring directly at Hyunjin. Haejin's brows shot up quickly, as if it was the first time she actually looked at the customer before she motioned to the girl.

"You're that Girl of the Month thing." you tensed next to the clerk to which Hyunjin's lips quickly pulled up into a big grin, finding it amusing how the clerk didn't even know which one she was but it was nice to know that their group was getting recognition. You however, something in Hyunjin just knew you knew her specifically.

"I'm the second girl, Kim Hyunjin."

"Ah! Kim Hyunjin.." Haejin furrows her brows as if she remembered the name before, hitting her fist in her palm at the sudden realization, "..the cat head girl? Around you? Y/N, you told me to play that song here all the time! Isn't this her?" Hyunjin's eyes moved to yours as you looked at Haejin in alarm, reaching over to hit her arm but stopping mid-way when you saw Hyunjin's soft eyes directed at you.

"I.. Yeah, of course. It was my favorite solo song, but I listen to Rain 51db more these days.." now you really had Hyunjin's attention, you basically outed yourself as a fan and now Hyunjin will not let you leave the store without your number in her phone.

"The 90's karaoke one?"

"Heejin-sunbaenim is really cool.."

Heejin? And you said Hyunjin's solo song was your favorite?

"I'll get sunbae's bread—" you were cut off when your phone started vibrating in the pocket of your hoodie, you pulled it out to find your manager's name on your screen calling you. Your eyes widened as the call could only mean one thing—reminding you of the practice room that was supposed to be your destination right after buying your snacks.

"Sunbaenim—"

"Practice?" Hyunjin softly asked as you frowned at your phone before looking up at her, finding warm eyes locked on yours.

"I'll make it up to you. Next time we see each other—"

"I want your phone number." Haejin audibly choked next to you as you flustered as deeply as before.

"R-right now?" Hyunjin stared at you for a moment before shaking her head—deciding against her initial plan of making sure to not let you leave without giving her your number—reaching over to grab your basket on the ground to hand it to you. You quickly grabbed ahold of the handles as Hyunjin ran her fingers through her hair, looking around the convenience store with a shrug.

"No, the next time we meet." you stared at her, completely baffled beyond words to even form a reply and so you just nodded, staring at her and trying to memorize her features as much as you can, knowing that this is the moment you part ways.

"I'm sorry.. I hope we meet again someday, in a better manner, Hyunjin-sunbaenim.." you bowed yet again at Hyunjin who oddly felt her heart warm at her name rolling off your lips smoothly, as if you've always been saying her name—in which she didn't doubt that you did, you were a fan afterall. You gave her one last shy smile before turning to Haejin, motioning to the counter to which Haejin only grinned at, following after you but not before glancing at Hyunjin who's eyes seemed to only follow your retreating figure.

"I think she likes you~"

"Be quiet! She can still hear us!"

Hyunjin reatreated back to the bread aisle as you quickly paid for all of your snacks, she listened closely when the bells at the entrance signal that you've left, to which Hyunjin felt her mood dampen at. Practically pouting to herself the entire time she walked around to look for whatever she needed to buy, she finally walked over to pay over the counter, Haejin packing her items in a bag as Hyunjin reached over to hand the clerk her card when Haejin smirked at her.

"Y/N told me to just charge it to her account, whatever it is you bought." Hyunjin raised a brow the information, to which Haejin shrugged at but still kept the smirk on her face.

"If I were you, I'd grab a few more.. you know, to make her feel like she atleast made up for it." Haejin could only look at Hyunjin's ruined cream bun and strawberry milk that she only took because it reminded her of the contents in your basket. Hyunjin shook her head at Haejin's mischievious attempt behind your back, instead, smiling softly at the ruined bread as Haejin handed her the bag.

"It's alright, she'll make up for it next time. I'm sure."

[MONSTER TRAINEE Y/N HAS OFFICIALLY DEBUTED]

[SM ENTERTAINMENT'S NEW GIRL GROUP DEBUTS AT #1 IN BILLBOARD TOP 200]

[SM ROOKIE GROUP, US DEBUT AFTER SUCCESSFUL WORLDWIDE CHART DOMINATION]

"Hi! Hello! They're so cute!!" your member waves at your fans as you stand next to her, trying your best not to squint your eyes at the rapid flashes that went off as you aligned yourself with your group, smiling at how you were all being greeted with such heavy enthusiasm. Making your group introduction, you all bowed before your manager motioned that it was time to head over inside, in which you grabbed onto one of your unnies as you slid through the crowd with your bodyguards doing their best to keep anyone from being too close to your members. As you just passed the entrance however, the flashes seemed a bit stronger and the deafening clicking of shutters, followed by screaming fans became stronger.

"JINSOUL HI!"

"CHUU I LOVE YOU!"

"YVES YOU LOOK SO PRETTY!"

Your ears perked up at the familiar names, to which your members that walked in front caught your attention when they started squealing. Your eyes settled on a few of your members being smothered by the familiar group that had just seemed to arrive, Chuu's bright smile as she hugged two of your members quickly, Choerry wildly waving at them as they bowed while Jinsoul and Yves seemed to tease them a bit.

Your groups seemed to be in the middle of paparazzis, fans, and curious gazes—in the middle of a very busy airport lobby. The crowd that circled around both groups was almost overbearing if it weren't for your bodyguards making as much space for your groups as possible. You tried to keep your distance, not wanting any sort of drama to build upon any group's name considering how heavy your own seemed to be even in your group, but then a familiar voice started to call your name.

"Y/N-unnie! Y/L/N Y/N-unnie!" your eyes instantly snapped over to find a small figure practically bouncing over to you, making you pull away from your member to insantly beam at the short girl whom you've bonded with at a variety show once. It was once but you can't seriously not love LOONA's maknae.

"Yeojin.." she instantly hugged you, giggling as you leaned over so that you can hug her back, patting her hair softly before she pulled away to smile up at you.

"What are you doing all the way here? Come on, Haseul-unnie wants to meet you!" she started tugging at your hand to which you only pursed your lips at.

"Yeojin, I'm kind of.. not good to be caught on camera with right now."

"Why not? You're practically as famous as us right now! I mean, even if you weren't it's still okay! We're friends!" Yeojin tried to reassure you but something just didn't sit right with the manager telling you a few days back that your name was at such a high place right now, and they wanted you to take care of it and make sure you didn't get into any sort of trouble or your group was going to plummet.

It was repulsive how they highlighted the idea that since you were on the first of all brand reputations since your groups debut, it was up to you to keep your group's name afloat. And if that type of toxicity rubs any other groups the wrong way..

"Oh.. we have to leave.." Yeojin mumbles, sounding disheartened as she looked up to find you giving her a sad smile. She shook her head, hugging you again before giving you a pointed look.

"I'll call you the moment we get back to the dorms, and then we'll plan another meetup. I promise—no paparazzis, we'll have lots of fun then, alright Y/N-unnie? I promise!" your heart dropped as Yeojin slowly made her way over to her group's retreating figures, she waved at you, still smiling brightly and just like that—your heart feels a little bit better at the girl's energy. Yeojin quickly bumped into Haseul, hugging her as Haseul's eyes moved to yours, you gave her a small smile and she reciprocated along with a wave.

Their group had always felt oddly comforting, but in a good way.

As your group slowly moved away from LOONA, you turned to face the direction of where you were supposed to be heading when your eyes seemed to have found themselves locking with stunningly familiar ones, eyes that would always seem to remind you of a cat's. You quickly turned away though, thinking that the woman who made your heart race about two years ago—now with striking dyed red hair—wouldn't even remember you at all. But your mind seemed to have stopped functioning completely when her usually soft, and airy voice boomed through the lobby and all of the commotion just to call your name.

"Hey! Y/L/N Y/N!" almost everyone around the both of you looked rattled out of their minds, watching silently as the two last members of each group stood only but a few feet apart, members standing behind them stopping on their tracks to understand what it was all about. Heejin whom was standing next to Hyunjin looked scared for a moment, only for her eyes to soften when they landed on your figure.

Jinsoul on the other hand had no filter, literally saying, "What is this? This is how you get a girl's attention, Kim Hyunjin?" before Kim Lip bursted into her iconic laughing face, grabbing Jinsoul's arm and shaking her. Chuu smiled widely at you, she always had but this time it's as if there was some meaning to it, with Cheorry turning from waving at a fan to grin at you—along with Yves smirking and Vivi giving Haseul a side eye.

Even Olivia Hye looked intrigued by the commotion, with Gowon drowsily clinging onto her but looking around as if she was confused.

"Y/L/N Y/N.." Hyunjin said softly this time, eyes only on you. You swallowed sharply, quickly bowing with the usual 90° degrees before eyeing all of the cameras that seemed to surround the both of you.

"Hyunjin, maybe another time.." Heejin tried to tell her bestfriend but she barely paid any attention to it. Instead, LOONA's Kim Hyunjin walked over to Y/L/N, in the middle of every single news outlet there is, every single fansite, every single curious gaze—she stood infront of you with a determined look on her face that had you shuddering slightly on your spot. She looked more mature up close, if you had a major change from losing some of your baby fat, Hyunjin looked almost nothing like the soft featured sunbaenim you met in that store two years before your debut. She looked like an actual sunbae now—if that made sense—as she stared right back at you, the soft gaze was still there but her aura emitted such strength, a newfound sense of maturity that wasn't exactly present when you bumped into her that morning.

"Hyunjin-sunbaenim." Hyunjin felt slightly taken aback by how your voice seemed so different from how it always used to echo in her head since that day, you no longer looked like kid and instead—if it was even possible, you looked way more beautiful than the first time she saw you in that damn article. And God, you've aged well since she last bumped into you, even though you look as if you could easily be knocked off on your feet from the pressure of all the eyes on you right now..

Hyunjin wanted to tell you that you'll be fine, that you're doing great.

You shouldn't be so hard on yourself.

But Hyunjin wasn't that good with words, she proved that to herself when countless of times she'd hear Yeojin talking about her day with you, how she always said you were bound for a great career ahead. Hyunjin could barely ask Yeojin for your number, she wanted to just have it so many times but that was your deal, she wanted to get it from you because she respected you—and it took her two years.

Two years to find the guts to stand infront of her favorite junior, practically the only junior that had caught her attention ever since.

"Here, type in your number." if your eyes could only bulge out of it's sockets right now, it would've. Collective gasps and camera flashes started going off as Hyunjin held out her phone infront of you, looking as laid back as ever while your mind goes into a complete shut down.

"What did she say?"

"Hyunjin just asked for Y/N's number? Here?!"

"Oh my God, this is—what??"

"Alright, alright—you're not seriously doing this here, aren't you, Kim Hyunjin-ssi?" Yves calls out from behind Hyunjin but the girl didn't even hint at acknowledging it, making Heejin sigh and turn to Yves with a knowing look, the challenging smile on Yves' lips dropping into a confused pout as Jinsoul let out yet another one of her amazed laugh.

"Wah! This is really happening!" Chuu and Kim Lip bursts into a fit of laughter, the sound bringing you back from your trance to scan your sunbaenim's now flushed face.

Kim Hyunjin is.. flustered?

"Sunb—"

"Hyunjin is fine." your eyes moved to the awestruck people around you, trying to find both of your managers only to find your members holding your own back—and LOONA's manager watching the interaction with an amused look.

"Are you going to make it up to me or not? I'm not the one with a flight to catch, Y/L/N Y/N." Hyunjin rolled her eyes but only in a teasing manner, tilting her head at you as she lightly waved her phone onto your confused face before it registered to you that she was talking about the convenience store incident. You instantly flushed, cursing internally at how you could forget your own words like that before nodding quickly, reaching over to grab her phone only for it to be pulled away by Hyunjin which confused you once again.

"I want your number, not your manager's, not your members', not the number you give for business transactions���I want the number on your actual phone," Hyunjin stated firmly, leaning her face to yours and staring at you intently. You nodded slowly as you reached over to grab her phone, but she pulled it away yet again, "I want to be your friend, Y/N." she finished, placing her phone in your hand before pulling away to lower her eyes at you as she crossed her arms on her chest.

And just like that, there goes all of your worries about everyone's prying eyes and your spot on the brand reputation rankings..

You swallowed thickly, trying to calm the sudden burning feeling in your entire body as you quickly typed in your number—cautiously eyeing her intimidating stance before grabbing your phone from your back pocket, pressing the call button on Hyunjin's phone for your own to start ringing. Once Hyunjin looked satisfied, you typed your group's name and then your name before handing Hyunjin her phone.

"Assa! Unnie~" Gowon cheered from behind Hyunjin, with Olivia Hye looking at the back of Hyunjin's head as if she's impressed.

That didn't stop Kim Lip from cackling loudly with Jinsoul, Chuu, Yeojin and Choerry though.

"Kim Hyunjin! Just like always!" Heejin cheered, grinning when Hyunjin turned to glare at them.

"Yeojin said she'd call me when you're all back to the dorms.."

"Not if I call you first." Hyunjin stated firmly with a knowing look, as if she already knew she was going to win.

To which you only softly smiled at.

"It's a thirteen hour flight to the US, you know that right?"

"Hyunjin! We need to go!"

"I know!" Hyunjin's eyes widened, waving her hands dismissively, "That's not directed to you, Y/N—I can't ever get mad at you." Hyunjin frowned to herself to which you only shortly laugh at, nodding before glancing at your own members making heart poses but the others also pointing to the gates. You faced Hyunjin who looked almost like an abandoned cat who didn't want you to leave.

"I should get going.."

"..yeah."

"See you around, Hyunjin." you bowed yet again, but this time it was a quick one and with a smile—different from the ones that were shy, and apologetic—it was an actual smile, a smile that Hyunjin felt as if the butterflies in her stomach were going wild as you did the simple action.

"See you, Y/N." Hyunjin watched as you retreated back slowly to your members, hesitant yet making your way back to them. You were just about to disappear from her view when you heard her call you again, to which you almost automatically turn at, but you did anyways, stopping on your tracks yet again to find the image of a giddy looking red haired Kim Hyunjin smiling from ear to ear, eyes crinkled as she did.

"You're still going to make it up to me, right Y/N?" she asked sweetly, making you all flustered yet again as everyone around you seemed to find this interaction sweet.

"Ofcourse, I promised."

And with that, Kim Hyunjin practically skipped all the way to the van—staring at your contact name she changed on her phone.

My Favorite Hoobae.

Hi~

This acc is dedicated to writing loona ideas that I have, maybe some day I'll take requests who knows—but for now, I'm going to focus on writing alot of imagines for Kim Hyunjin because she's my bias and I.. Don't.. See.. Much.. Hyunjin.. Imagines..? So yeah, if y'all want to follow, by all means we're chill here~ but thanks for reading! I hope this was as entertaining to you as it was for me writing it!

Also, I make the gifs myself, but to give credit to the original source I will always put the link of the video and the channel name from where I got it from at the bottom of each author's note. If any of these sources do not want their work to be displayed like this, please inform me immediately and i will get rid of the gif and.. find another source that wouldn't mind. I just use specific visuals for the ideas so..

May Kim Hyunjin guide me to write even more..

Laters (for now),

JJ.

> ovc: NewsenTV (200120)

https://youtu.be/Tr4ta5DzKE0

[serenityseventeen]

Love & Letter: To The Thirteen Boys I've Loved Before

The Fifth Letter

----------------

To: Kwon Soonyoung

From: Y/N

Hello, Soonyoung.

It hasn't been long since we've known each other. I know that now, after the semester of Junior year ends, we won't be able to see each other. The only way I was able to see you was because we took a performing arts class together this semester. Next semester, after winter break, I'm taking music.

I want to tell you this but even now, during winter break, I'm still not sure. Maybe if we had more time to spend together, I would have the courage to talk to you and develop a better relationship with you. I'm not sure if you know, but I think I liked you. Or, I admired you at least.

Soonyoung, you may be the craziest boy I've ever seen in my life. When I took performing arts with you, you were timid at first, which I found cute. Now, you have no trouble talking to me at all. I realized that once you talk to a person once, you can talk to them a million times again. Thank you for talking with me.

You're cool. Whenever someone in the class feels discouraged because the teacher is being strict, you always remind them that it's fine and you nicely correct them. That happened to me too. I know that I'm probably not that good at dancing but because of your help, I could find the difference of very small details like which angle I'm facing, the angle of my hands, all that. You're sharp and concise when it comes to dancing and that makes you cool.

I appreciate you for helping me dance. I'm quite a hard worker so whenever I couldn't get something right, I would keep practicing. Everyone would be resting at the side when it was time to rest, but I couldn't rest unless I perfected a move. Thank you for always dancing with me. I know you're always tired after dancing but you manage to make it seem as if you're always full of energy and sometimes, you really are filled with energy.

I think the reason for falling for you was because of your personality and how you took care of everyone. You were a kind guy that wasn't afraid to stand up for other people. My heart especially fluttered when I saw you asking the teacher to stop yelling at the students for not getting the moves right. I like you a lot and respect you too, Soonyoung.

I also really liked how you danced. I still remember that first time our teacher put on some random music and asked us individually to freestyle. Almost everyone didn't know what to do so we just moved our bodies. I'm pretty sure I looked like a complete idiot while freestyling at first, right?

Well, compared to you, all of us seemed like complete noobs. The way you read the music and moved your body to the beat and rhythm of the song you heard for the first time was mesmerizing. Whenever I think about it, my jaw always drops. You were so cool and my heart was racing. Your hand movements were sharp and the amount of body control you had was truly amazing, Soonyoung.

That's the true reason why I wanted you to teach me to dance. That's the true reason why I asked you to watch my freestyle. I admired you so much, Soonyoung. I really respected you and your dancing. I felt so inspired by it.

I just know it, that day when I walked up to you in the classroom, fumbling with my hands, I must've looked like a complete weirdo, right? Since we didn't talk much, I didn't expect you to remember my name. I don't know if you saw me blushing, but I was.

“I have a request... Can you watch my freestyle?”

Your flustered expression was really cute. Your eyes widened a little and I think I saw your ears turn pink too. You went like “hm?”

When you watched my freestyle, I'm sure you were disgusted, but I'm thankful that you didn't walk say because it probably looked as if I had no potential to be a dancer (yes, this made me fall for you as well). You helped me learn to read beats and continued to tell me which parts of my freestyle were good. You taught me a lot of things regarding freestyle and quickly, I was able to find my style and improve overall as a dancer.

You also started recording me dance. I was shy at first, but I'm thankful you did it. I don't know if you still have the videos on your phone because we don't communicate outside of school, but I hope you don't have the ones when I was still beginning to freestyle!!! Gosh, it's like haunting me just thinking that you still have the videos!!!

I also want to thank you for this hehe... During the days when we were given free time to dance, talk, and practice, I saw you dancing to SHINEE. I want to thank you for that. I was just practicing my freestyle but then you invited me to learn a dance by SHINEE. When I first saw their dance, I was immediately hooked. You then taught me slowly, step by step, for the days when we had break time. Now I know so many SHINEE dances that I've begun learning to dance to different kpop songs in my room.

All this time, I've just been talking about how kind, caring, and cool you are because that's what I thought of you. You were so cool, Soonyoung. I admired you but I also know that I liked you. To me, you felt like a friend but at the same, it seemed like weren't close enough to be that. We were hovering in the middle of classmates and friends.

I'm pretty sure that you don't think of me the same way I think of you. To you, I'm probably like a pupil. We got along well though. I got to see your cool side through dancing and you also had a shy side too. When you finish performing your freestyle and realize everyone's looking at you in awe, you get so shy. I don't know but I find that so cute.

It was a bit of a pity that I only saw you once every few days a week. I wanted to see you more often and possibly, we could have been dancing buddies too. I've learned to love dance because of you. If only... Sadly, we aren't in the same classes this semester. I sort of predicted it.

The school is pretty big so seeing you isn't easy. Plus, aside from learning dances together and caring for each other as classmates, we didn't have anything special, did we? I mean, whenever you moved my arms while behind me, I'm pretty sure that I was the only one who had my heart racing. Seriously, you shouldn't do that to people! I don't think you're aware of how attractive you are, Soonyoung.

Each time you hover behind me and take my hands or stand behind me to help me adjust my arm's position, I always get flushed with butterflies. Like, you could do it from the front, but the back brings you so much closer to me that I get so flustered. Every. Single. Time.

You're close enough for me to smell your scent, hear your breath, and feel your breath on my neck. It's extremely ticklish too. Do you know that I like you!?

I find it to be a pity that we didn't have any classes together aside from the dance class. If we did, maybe we would have gotten a bit closer to each other. I don't only want romantic relationships that's not even my goal with you. I want to be your friend and dance buddy but we still aren't close enough for that, are we?

So, if I ever happen to bump into you again whether it's in the hallways or by pure coincidence, I don't think I'd be able to say something to you. Sorry, Soonyoung, I'm a coward. I'm constantly driven by the negative thoughts and the possibility that you don't think of me as a friend or dancing buddy but just someone who learned a dance from you. I'm still extremely grateful to you though and I won't care if your true intentions for teaching me were to train yourself. I still like you a lot even though I'm sure it'll fade.

To me, you don't seem like a bad person. You seemed to always be passionate and genuine about dancing. You're kind too. I liked you a lot because you were genuine, passionate, bright, and kind. You were cool, inspiring, and showed me so many new things.

I know this letter to you had mainly just been contaminated with me telling you how grateful I am toward you, but trust me, this is a love letter to you. I did like you. I liked you because you showed me new things and because of all your other qualities. I don't know, I'm a confusing fool.

In the end, we are probably just like strangers to each other, but that's okay. We only spent a semester together, meeting twice a week, so knowing you would have been equal to not enough time anyway. Because I'm sure you probably don't like me the same way I like you, I can rest assured in my head that this letter would just make you proud of yourself. Of course, you should be proud of yourself.

I'm glad that I met you even if it was just for a little while.

Time is seemingly hating me but I can end this letter off with a smile.

Sincerely,

Y/N

------------------

© serenityseventeen

6/20/21 - 7:10 pm

a/n: I'm going to post this love & letter series to my Wattpad as a separate book instead of in my seventeen imagines book. + I went down day6 memory lane and started listening to their songs again... I love them so much too + I'm excited for even of day comeback!!!

[connorandersons-blog]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Connor/Gavin Reed, Hank Anderson & Connor Additional Tags: Pride, Pride Parades, Nonbinary Character, Bisexual Character, Gay Male Character, Hank is an ally, Good Parent Hank Anderson, First Kiss, Coming Out, Gay Disaster Gavin Reed, Gavin Reed Being Less of an Asshole, Connor Deserves Happiness, Deviant Connor, Post-Pacifist Best Ending ,Gay Disaster Connor

Summary:

Connor comes out to Hank who takes it very well and decides to take his android son to his first ever pride parade. Connor wasn't expecting to see a certain coworker there and what happened after he did.

-----------------------------------

He knew it was silly to be so nervous, acceptance of the queer community had gone up quite a bit, but there was still so many people who hated them. Who’d hate Connor, but he had to believe Hank wouldn’t be one of them. The man was one of his closest friends, he saw him as a father figure, but Hank could be a little old fashioned on some things. He had really hoped this wouldn’t be one of them. 

He had made Hank dinner that night, not fancy at all, just food he knew Hank would love. He sat at the table watching him eat, trying not to tap on it when Hank told him to just spit it out. 

“I’m bisexual,” he blurted, ducking his head. It wasn’t the only thing, but this was more accepted than the other thing he needed to say. 

Hank took a second, putting his food down which said a lot. “Thanks for telling me, kid. I know I can be… fucking stubborn but I fully accept you, no matter who you love.” 

Connor smiled and opened his mouth to speak before closing it again. He tried again and again until finally the words came out. “I’m also non-binary.” 

“Alright, that’s cool too, you wanna go by a new name? Oh and pronouns, what do you want?” Hank picked up his fork and took another bite, watching Connor carefully. 

“I like everything as it is now! I like my current pronouns and name. I just… I know I’m not a guy? But I’m ok with being called one. I kind of want to try feminine clothing but I also like my current clothes.” It had been so confusing, still was honestly but he felt comfortable with saying he was non-binary 

Hank nodded, smiling slightly and reaching out to pat his arm. “That’s alright kid, you do what makes you happy. Fuck knows the world needs some happy in it.” 

And that was that. Hank took him to the mall the next time they had off from work and let Connor pick out a few new clothes. It wasn’t much given their salaries but he still got two dresses, two skirts, a shirt, and a pair of heels. 

He was too terrified to wear any of it to work even though Hank promised no one there would be a dick about it. He didn’t say it outright but Connor could tell he was implying that Connor wasn’t alone in being queer. Connor did wonder who there was but apparently his ‘gaydar’ was subpar and he couldn’t tell with anyone. 

That was until Hank took him to his first ever pride parade. 

It shocked absolutely no one when the queer community welcomed androids with open arms, and the parade was filled with a wide range of people and android. Connor stared wide eyed at how big it all was, all the colors, all the scents from the food stalls, so many people. They were all dressed differently, some finally able to dress how they want and Connor is no different. 

He had decided on one of his skirts, a white button-up shirt with the sleeves rolled to his elbows to keep cool. He had decided to not wear the heels given there would be so many people and he didn’t want to stumble or step on anyone. 

Hank and him found a good spot to watch the parade and Connor felt so light and jittery. There was this energy in the air of complete acceptance and joy that Connor couldn’t stop smiling. Even Hank had grinned a bit seeing Connor so happy, pointing out different areas of the parade. There was the vendor area, the food area, and the main parade route. It was all in or right near Hart Plaza so there was plenty of room to just stand and talk with friends too away from the parade. 

Connor got quite a few compliments from those around him, and each time made him blush and duck his head. He almost didn’t see him going by because of it, but he glanced up and there he was. 

He didn’t know what organization he was walking with, but Gavin Reed was strutting down the road like he owned it. He had a rainbow flag on like a cape but that certainly wasn’t what caught his attention. No, that was the chest harness, pants so low and open that it showed off the trail of hair down towards his crotch and if the pants were any lower everyone would be able to see his dick. He also wore very tall boots that had at least nine inch heels. The collar he had on was leather and had a chain attached to it that he held, but he let some take in and drag him along with a laugh. 

He had rainbow eyeshadow, silver eyeliner, and fake lashes on. Not to mention the amount of glitter that had already gotten all over him. He looked damn good and Connor’s jaw was on the ground. 

He was so used to seeing Gavin hidden behind slightly baggy clothes, his leather jacket too, hiding how wide his shoulders really were. At work he kept himself hunched a bit but now he had his back straight and looked so confident. 

Gavin didn’t see him or Hank, and Connor was far too distracted by the sight of him to see Hank’s raised eyebrow at Connor with a small smirk on his face. 

The person beside him noticed Connor’s expression, snorted and bumped his shoulder. “Good choice, he’s always a favorite, comes every year.” 

Comes every year? To… pride. That meant Gavin was queer in some way? Or maybe he was just a very enthusiastic ally. “I, yeah, wow.” Was all he managed to get out before shaking himself. He tried to focus on the rest of the parade but soon Hank was dragging him towards the food stalls. 

Hank almost spit his new food out when someone came up to him and asked if he was single. Though, they also called him ‘daddy’ and Connor decided he’d rather never think of that ever again. Hank did knock over his drink, just a little close to the person which Connor saw as purposeful. 

“I’ll go get you a new one, Hank.” Connor said, patting his shoulder. 

“Yeah kid, I’ll go look at the vendors a bit while you do that. I thought I saw someone I knew.” Hank waved him off and Connor only tilted his head when he recognized the lie. It was fine, if Hank didn’t want to say why he was actually going over there. 

Connor jogged back to the stall they had gotten Hank’s lunch, waiting in line patiently for it. He laughed off the situation, but the person gave him a free replacement. 

Connor glanced around the crowd and suddenly it felt like too much. The heat was beating down on him, he was too aware of his clothes and the people accidentally brushing against him as they walked past. 

He moved quickly away, finding a nice big tree to lean against. Hank wouldn’t be upset if he took a few extra minutes, he’d probably think someone stopped Connor to talk once again. 

He wasn’t too far away, he could hear everything very clearly still, but the tree’s shade helped cool him down and he felt himself calming. That was until he heard someone walking up to him. He opened his eyes and looked at the man, he had a chest harness on like Gavin had but it didn’t look nearly as good on him. Not that appearance made much of a difference, it was still nice to see beautiful people. 

“Hey pretty boy… or girl, or whatever you are.” The man grinned, winking at Connor. It reminded him of Gavin trying to wink and it brought a grin to his face without thinking the man would think it was for him. “What are you doing all alone?” 

“I just got a bit overwhelmed,” he wasn’t sure what else to say. The man kept looking at his LED and licking his lips. Connor had a bad feeling but had no real evidence to back it up. Hank had taught him he didn’t always need evidence to be right. 

The man nods, stepping a little closer. “Aw, well I can keep you company. You know… you’re one of the few ‘droids that I’ve seen that’s kept their LED in. I like it, shows the real you.” 

From anyone else Connor may have taken it at face value but every scan showed the man was aroused and Connor felt even more uncomfortable. “I’d rather be alone. I'm… waiting for my boyfriend. Thank you, though.” 

“Come on baby boy, don’t be like that. I like your kind, don’t worry. I’m sure your boyfriend is willing to share.” He stepped forward again and Connor held his hand up to stop him. 

“I said no. Please leave me alone.” The panic was coming back, and he didn’t want to get violent. 

“I don’t see him around here either. Just a little fun, no one has to know.” The man was sneering now, and Connor got ready to run or defend himself. 

“He’s right here, jackass!” A voice said, and then an arm was going around Connor’s waist. Connor froze, glancing over to see Gavin Reed of all people glaring at the man. “Now get lost.”

Connor went along with it, leaning into Gavin, the heels making him taller than Connor, and even placing a hand over his chest like he was scared and needing comfort. He wouldn’t say anything, he didn't want the man to get aggressive. 

He glanced at Gavin, before scoffing. “I could give you so much more, but if you say so. Just come find me if you get tired of him.” 

Connor wouldn’t, they weren’t actually together, but he’d never go to someone like that. Gavin gently rubbed a hand up and down Connor’s side as they watched the man walk away. 

“Ok, can you take your hand off my chest now?” Gavin asked, letting go of Connor. 

He jumped back, face turning bright blue. “I’m sorry! And thank you, that could have gone a lot worse.” He smoothed down his shirt and skirt, running a hand through his curly hair. 

“Yeah, no problem dipshit. So you actually have a boyfriend or just wanted that creep gone?” Gavin leaned against the tree, showing off his very nice abs, and Connor tried not to follow the trail of hair down. 

“I don’t, Hank brought me here after I… came out.” It felt so odd to say, but Gavin was here too. “I went to get him a soda but it all got too much.” He picked up the drink, glad it hadn’t gotten knocked over with everything that had happened. 

Gavin nodded, rubbing his hands together almost anxiously. “Congrats then, takes a lot of guts to come out.” 

Beaming at him, Connor ducked his head quickly. “I was very nervous but Hank has been incredibly kind and supportive. Can I ask, well, are you here as an ally or…” he trailed off. 

Gavin actually laughed at that before motioning to himself. “Do I really look straight? Nah, I’m hella gay.” 

Of course, Connor couldn’t help but follow where his hands motioned, trying to not let on just how affected he was by Gavin’s appearance. “I’m bi, and non-binary,” he blurted, and even though he was still nervous to say it, it felt good too. He motioned down to his skirt, copying Gavin slightly. 

Gavin glanced at the skirt, smiling slightly. “That looks good on you, and thanks for telling me. Are you going by a new name or pronouns? I won’t use them at work obviously, unless you say so… not that we see each other outside of work.” 

“No, I like my name and I’m still using he pronouns. Thank you for asking.” He wished he could say they should spend time outside of work, but he could barely consider them friends. Gavin hadn’t been outright rude to him, their bickering was more good natured and teasing than anything else. 

“Cool cool, well you wanna go find Hank? Don’t want him thinking you got kidnapped or trampled in the ground.” Gavin pushed away from the tree, nodding back to the stalls. Connor followed after, watching how well Gavin walked in the heels even in the uneven grass. 

“This your first pride parade?” Gavin asked as they made their way back into the crowd. Connor reached out and very carefully put a hand on Gavin’s arm so they wouldn’t get separated. 

“It is, I love all the colors and happiness, you can just… feel it everywhere. It’s a lot of fun… I saw you in the parade and was a bit shocked, you know. Someone said you come every year?” If so then maybe they could make this a thing. They could come together, spend some time outside of work. 

Gavin grinned, waving at someone before nodding towards Connor. “I do, Tina comes with me normally but she had work. I came with Cecil Sunshine… or well that’s his drag name. He’s somewhere around here.” 

Oh. Well Tina wasn’t too much a surprise given the two were best friends but he’d never heard of the drag queen. Were they together? “I see, that sounds fun. I love your makeup, I’d love to learn to do that.” 

Gavin perked up even more, turning around to grab Connor’s hand. “I can teach you! If you want, of course, if we find Sunshine, she has my makeup.” 

Connor’s pump was pounding, having Gavin hold his hand, and he nodded mutely. He tried to clear his throat, glancing around. There were so many people, but off to the right side was a very large group. “What’s going on there?” 

Gavin looked over, then frowned. “Protesters. Those that can will surround them to protect the kids and everyone else from them. Wanna go see? If not it’s ok, I couldn’t be around them for a while, now I like messing with them.” 

Connor nodded and Gavin kept a hold of his hand as he led him over. He could hear those screaming about god and repenting, how unnatural this was. He could also see the signs, some of them were also specifically anti-android. 

“How do you mess with them?” He was pretty sure that they weren’t allowed to touch each other, which helped both sides. 

Gavin smirked a bit. “Find someone willing and kiss him right in front of them. Freaks them out a lot.” Gavin was looking around, probably trying to find someone that would be willing. 

“We could,” he mumbled, probably not loud enough for Gavin to hear over the yelling but his head whipping around said otherwise. “We don’t have to! I just, considering they are also anti-android it would add to the effect, right?” He reached up, tapping his LED. 

Gavin stared at him with wide eyes before grinning. “Definitely. Come on, let’s get to the front.” He dragged him forward, politely pushing his way through until they were right in front of the group. 

They stood so Connor’s LED was facing them, and Gavin carefully reached up to cup his cheek. It was clear he was giving him time to back out, but Connor wouldn't. Those that were queer or supporting started cheering realizing what was happening. 

Connor leaned up, pressing his lips against Gavin’s. They were warm and a bit wet given the lipstick he was wearing. It sent a buzz from his lips down his spine as he pressed closer. He ignored the anger shouts of the protesters and even the cheers, just focused on Gavin pressed against him. 

It was hard, and long, sweet and indulgent, over far too quickly. Gavin broke it, panting, and then pushed back in for another, this one far more heated. Connor grabbed the chain connected to the collar he wore, keeping him close that way. It got wolf-whistles and catcalls, all in good nature though. Connor reached to hold Gavin by his waist with his other hand, titling his head to help deepen the kiss, their tongues sliding together. 

They pulled back slowly, both grinning widely. It was Connor’s first kiss and one he would never forget, not that he could, given he was an android. “That was fun,” Connor giggled. Gavin nodded and dragged them away from the group, getting a few pats for the show. 

Once away Gavin paused, reaching up and swiping his thumb across Connor’s lips, he froze, licking his lips without thinking. His tongue brushed against Gavin’s thumb, and he stopped breathing. 

“Sorry… had lipstick on you.” Gavin murmured, pulling his hands away. 

Connor reached up to touch his own lips, feeling how they still tingled from the kiss and now from the touch. “It’s ok, I don’t mind. Listen Gavin, I-“ 

“Connor!” Hank called and he spun around to see the man come up. “Damn kid, I couldn’t find you anywhere. You good?” He glanced at Gavin who looked like he just got caught stealing. 

“I’m ok, Gavin found me and we messed with some protesters! Here’s your drink,” he held it out, smiling widely at Hank. 

“Huh. At least you didn’t get lost… I uh, got you something too.” Hank shrugged, trying to play it off nonchalantly. 

Connor tilted his head, seeing how Hank had one hand behind his back Connor figured he was hiding something. “Oh?” 

Hank shrugged again and held out a package. Connor gasped when he saw what it was, looking between them and Hank. “Thank you!” It was the non-binary flag. He could hang this up in his room! He stepped up and threw his arms around Hank, pulling him into a tight but quick hug. 

Hank glanced at Gavin who had a fond look on his face before it quickly turned into a scowl and he looked away. Connor saw none of that, but stepped back from Hank. “Yeah, no problem kid.” 

Connor showed the package to Gavin who gave him a small smile and nod. Then he glanced down, biting his lip before unclipping the flag and pulling it away. He hesitated only for a second before putting it over Connor’s shoulders, using the two holes meant to put it on the pole to clip it together to make a cape. 

Connor went completely still as Gavin did so, feeling like his thirium pump was pounding away in his chest. He brought a hand up to touch where it was clasped together, his fingers brushing over Gavin’s. 

“Happy pride, Connor,” Gavin muttered just loud enough for Connor to hear over the chaos around him. 

Connor could help but beam at him, touched beyond words. He felt so loved here, so accepted by people who didn’t even know him, by Hank and Gavin. It was one of the most wonderful feelings in the world. “Happy pride, Gavin.”

(my art do not repost)

[bettydice]

I didn’t expect you to be lonely (too)

Xicheng, Modern AU, JC&WWX reconciliation, E-Rated 

[Read on AO3]

Chapter 7

The night after their date, which was both a disaster and the best date he’s ever had, Jiang Cheng can't sleep. He keeps thinking about Lan Xichen’s shaking hands, the kiss, the kisses that followed, about not casually, about Wei Wuxian dating Lan Xichen's brother. About how if they're not casual, then he'll have to get over himself and at least be able to be in a room together with Wei Wuxian, or Lan Xichen will just be another person suffering from this stupid situation.

If they're… If they are something now. If it lasts. He wants it to last. Which is another thing keeping him awake. How much he already feels for Lan Xichen. How his brain has no problem providing him with… Domestic scenarios. That eventually turn into not so domestic ones. But he’s too tired to do anything about his arousal, so his brain instead comes up with scenarios where Lan Xichen tells him he regrets everything about yesterday and does not want to see him again. Those are… not fun.

Eventually, morning comes. Jiang Cheng stays in bed. He has nothing to do today, he’s tired, and there’s nothing waiting for him in his kitchen except for dirty dishes. So, he grabs his phone and watches some cute bunny compilations on YouTube. After the fifth video he does feel better, so when Wei Wuxian’s daily selfie arrives (Wei Wuxian holds up a very large mug of coffee, winking at the camera), Jiang Cheng doesn’t even get angry or sad. He actually has to smile.

He immediately gets up, gets dressed, doesn’t open the door to his kitchen, and takes the bus to his sister’s house.

Jiang Yanli doesn’t even question why he’s there, simply sets the breakfast table for one more person. Jin Zixuan also doesn’t question him, simply makes him some really strong coffee. After breakfast, he's handed Jin Ling, so his sister and her husband can do some chores, which suits him just fine, because Jin Ling is perfect and amazing and the only one who understands him. He's also a little tired and grumpy today - relatable - so Jiang Cheng ends up on the couch with Jin Ling napping on his chest. Which, alas, means he can't move because he'd wake his precious nephew. With Jin Ling’s reassuring weight keeping him glued to the couch, Jiang Cheng has no choice but to close his eyes.

"A-Cheng. Are you asleep?"

"Mhm."

"A-Cheng, wake up."

When he pries open his eyes, he sees his sister, sitting in the armchair next to the sofa, smiling at them.

"I can't move," Jiang Cheng explains.

"I understand." Of course she does, A-Jie always understands.

He does try to assume a sort of sitting position, so he can better look at her, making sure A-Ling still stays in prime napping position. She has That Look on her face, meaning she wants to Talk About Things, but won't necessarily push him.

"It's really nice that you stopped by today," Jiang Yanli says, and without calling in advance to make sure Wei Wuxian definitely won't be there goes unsaid but not unheard.

"I missed my nephew." Jiang Cheng looks down at A-Ling and smiles. He can’t see much more than one of his chubby cheeks smushed against Jiang Cheng’s chest, and it’s adorable.

"And he missed you." Jiang Yanli smiles and leans forward, so she can gently stroke A-Ling's head. "Did you have a good week?"

Jiang Cheng has to think about Lan Xichen and his kisses and his smile widens, grows impossibly soft, before he quickly tries to wipe it off his face. His sister notices it, of course, as evidenced by her slightly raised eyebrows." Yeah… It was good. "

Jiang Cheng hesitates, because he's not actually sure whether he wants to tell his sister about… All of that. For one, she's paying for his sessions. And it still doesn't feel quite real. Ten days ago he felt horrible and lonely and now Lan Xichen kissed him and is attracted to him and said "slowly, but not casually", which… Does this mean they're boyfriends? That's too quickly, isn't it? But they're not dating, because they both hate dating, but they’re not casual, so the logical conclusion…

"A-Cheng?" Apparently not the first time she's called his name.

"I think I have a boyfriend," is not what he wanted to say and yet his stupid mouth fucking betrays him. Jiang Yanli looks stunned for a few seconds - understandable - then a warm smile spreads over her face. Jiang Cheng lifts his hand, before she can say anything. "I'm… I'm not sure I want to talk about it. It's obviously a recent and surprising turn of events and who knows if anything will actually come of it, you know how I am with relationships, they end before they can start - "

"It’s okay. You don’t need to say anything, if you’re not ready yet."

Jiang Cheng gives her a grateful smile. It’s not that he doesn’t want to talk about it, but…

"How are your massage sessions going? How many have you had yet?" A seemingly random change of topic, but considering…

"Oh… Those are… Good. Relaxing." Jiang Cheng narrows his eyes at his sister who looks so unassuming and innocent… Fuck. She knows. Jiang Cheng's face immediately grows hot. He doesn't know why he ever even tries to keep a secret in this family. "A-jie, how did you.. It's not… He is…"

"As I said, you don't have to talk about it. But you can. You can always talk to me. About anything."

She doesn’t mean it as a reprimand, but Jiang Cheng immediately feels guilty. He has been … many things, these past few months. Has sometimes been unfairly angry at his sister, because she still meets with Wei Wuxian, because Wei Wuxian didn't abandon her, too. Has visited less, and not only because he didn't want to risk bumping into his brother. Hadn’t wanted his sister to know how poorly he was doing, to realise how shitty everything in his life was going.

"I know. Sorry, A-jie."

"What are you apologizing for?"

"Just… For being an idiot."

His sister’s smile stays warm, but her tone is a little stern when she says: "You're not an idiot." She leans forward and gently strokes his forehead. Just like she usually does with A-Ling. Just like...

The door opens and someone enters the room. Jiang Cheng turns towards the wall, mortified. Since his sister isn’t home, it must be Wei Wuxian.

“Fuck off.”

Wei Wuxian does not, of course, fuck off. Instead, he comes over and sits down on the edge of the bed.

“I really liked your poem. Which is saying a lot, because I barely made it through without screaming. Horrifying subject matter.”

Jiang Cheng doesn’t answer, just squeezes his eyes shut and tries to get his tears to stop falling with the power of his mind.

“You described that dog in such vivid detail, I thought I’d have a heart attack!”

Is Wei Wuxian here to make fun of him? He knows it was just a stupid little poem that can’t compare to getting first place at that stupid science fair. Isn’t it enough to hear that from his mother - does his brother have to rub it in, too? He knows he’s pathetic, crying about this like a little boy.

“Huaisang was raving about it all afternoon. He really liked the… meter you used. Whatever that means.”

Jiang Cheng wipes his face and turns around. Just enough so he can see his brother out of the corner of his eye. “He said that?”

“Yeah! He also said ‘I didn’t realise Jiang Cheng was able to create such beautiful metaphors, I think I’m going to put him on my list of people I’d allow to give me a blowjob.”

Jiang Cheng groans and fully turns around, so he can throw a pillow at his brother. “He didn’t say that!”

Wei Wuxian easily catches the pillow and grins. “It was implied! Anyway… I thought, maybe you want to write some lyrics for Yiling Laozu? I feel like our metaphor game is really lacking at the moment.”

Jiang Cheng frowns. “If you’re just taking the piss…”

“I mean it!” Wei Wuxians reaches out like he wants to wipe Jiang Cheng’s tears, but seems to think better of it. Instead, he starts stroking Jiang Cheng’s forehead.

Jiang Cheng feels… like his tears are going to return. He frowns even harder. “I’m not a fucking baby. Stop that.”

“Aw, but that’s where you’re wrong! You’re my baby brother! Sweet little ChengCheng!”

“Fuck off!”

Jiang Cheng tries to shove Wei Wuxian from the bed with his foot, but Wei Wuxian tackles him instead, wraps his arms around him and squeezes him. Coos into his ear in a disgustingly sweet voice: “My talented Didi! My precious A-Di! Just a tiny, tiny baby with the heart of a poet!”

Jiang Cheng complains loudly and tries to free himself. But he can’t help but laugh.

"Wei Wuxian sends me a selfie every morning." Once again, his stupid mouth does things without his permission.

"Does he now." Jiang Yanli doesn’t even bat an eyelash at the fact Jiang Cheng’s word vomit jumps from possible boyfriend to Wei Wuxian’s selfies.

"He wouldn't do that if he didn't want anything to do with me… Right?"

"He wouldn't. He misses you.” Jiang Yanli, still stroking his head, hesitates, before she says: “Maybe you can consider it… an opening?"

Jiang Cheng closes his eyes for a while, as though that would help him sort the emotional chaos in his mind.

"Wei Wuxian is dating Lan Xichen's brother."

"Yes."

"Are they… Is it serious?"

Just like Jiang Cheng, Wei Wuxian never had relationships. But not because he was inherently unlovable or scared everyone off with his frown, or anything like that. He used to get crushes all the time that fizzled out just as quickly, said it would be too selfish to be tied down, everyone should be able to enjoy the wonders of being with Wei Wuxian. Though his brother also got way less action than he let people assume.

"Oh, they're… definitely serious." Jiang Yanli laughs.Jiang Cheng opens his eyes again. He wants to ask more, as though now he's fed the monster in his chest scraps of Wei Wuxian’s life, it has realised it’s been starving and craves more and more.

In comparison, it actually seems safer to talk about Lan Xichen. "Lan Xichen might be my boyfriend. Possibly. Hopefully?"

Jiang Yanli, once again, doesn’t comment on the topic change. She does pull back her hand and sits upright, a curious look on her face. "Might?"

"So, we went on a date and we concluded we both dislike dating but like each other and… And he said we should do this ‘slowly, but not casually’. And we… Well, the date ended very… It was nice. So. What do you think?"

He resolutely stares at a spot just above Jiang Yanli's shoulder, refusing to acknowledge his burning face. He's just hot because he's trapped under his nephew who is in the 93rd percentile of weight for toddlers his age. Jiang Cheng’s not sure what it means, but he chooses to believe that A-Ling is stronger and better than 92% of toddlers. And louder than 99%. He’s very proud of his nephew.

"It does sound as though you're both interested in pursuing a relationship with each other."

"So you don't think it's too early?"

"Too early for what?"

"Just… Thinking about him like that."

"You did already like him when you were a teenager."

"What the fuck?” Jiang Cheng does look at her then, mouth open in shock. ”How did you… Nie Huaisang told you, didn't he?"

"He didn't have to." Jiang Yanli tries to hide her smile behind her hand, but Jiang Cheng knows it's there.

Jiang Cheng is just… going to move past this. "But I didn't know him back then. I've not even known him for two weeks and already..."

I'm in love with him. It's not like it's not like him. Jiang Cheng doesn't fall for people often, but when he does, he falls hard. It's just that until now, none of them (none of the two people he’s liked like this before) had ever liked him back.

"Sometimes, two people just fit well together."

Jiang Cheng immediately wants to say "Nobody would fit well with me, I only have sharp edges" but his sister would disagree immediately. And… He can't deny it does feel like they… They just fit, somehow. Even if Jiang Cheng often feels like he doesn't even fit his own skin, like his life doesn't fit him. Spending time with Lan Xichen had been easy from the beginning, the only complications being the issues Jiang Cheng brings into every interaction with another human. And bunny pee.

Jiang Cheng can't help but laugh at the memory.

"Whatever is happening between you two... I'm happy for you. You deserve to be happy, A-Cheng, no matter what you think." Jiang Yanli puts her hand on his shoulder, so he can’t help looking at her. Jiang Cheng does, even though his eyes are burning. His sister looks… intense. The way she looks when something is truly, deeply important to her. "You also deserve to find out that A-Xian doesn't hate you. That he loves and misses you. That he's just as scared he's lost you forever. One of you just has to be brave so you can both realize you still love each other."

Jiang Cheng is saved from having to give a response that's not just crying hysterically, by a very… specific sound coming from his nephew, followed by a very specific smell. Followed by A-Ling waking up and crying, loudly.

"Do you want to take care of this?" his sister asks, resigned to the fact he definitely won’t want to do that. Luckily, there's a solution.

"Jin Zixuan! Hey, come here! Your son is crying for you!" Jiang Cheng yells, sitting upright and carefully holds A-Ling away from his body.

Jin Zixuan does immediately come rushing into the living room, only to frown as soon as the smell hits him.

"Would you mind, A-Xuan…?" his sister asks with the sweetest smile and, of course, Jin Zixuan grabs A-Ling without any complaints, only sends a dark look in Jiang Cheng's direction, who smirks at him.

Jiang Cheng spends the entire day at their house. He helps his sister cook, takes A-Ling to the playground, takes another nap with A-Ling during the afternoon. When hehe falls into his bed at night, his mind feels much quieter and he can sleep peacefully.

Jiang Cheng’s next appointment isn’t until Tuesday, but they exchange a lot of messages in the meantime. Lan Xichen sends him pictures of the bunnies, of his plants, and of his meals. Jiang Cheng, who has neither pets nor meals worthy of taking pictures, suddenly finds himself going on a lot of walks, so he can send Lan Xichen pictures of trees and artsy shots of leaves in puddles. Lan Xichen told him to keep the scarf, so he wears it every time he leaves the house. It keeps him warm.

Now, standing in front of Lan Xichen’s door, Jiang Cheng suddenly feels nervous. They agreed to not mix business with pleasure, so to say. It will be just a very normal session. But Lan Xichen already invited him to stay for dinner after and Jiang Cheng enthusiastically agreed.

It's not a date, because they don't date, but… Will they kiss? He wouldn't mind more kisses…

Lan Xichen greets him with his usual smile and they stare awkwardly at each other for only about ten seconds before Lan Xichen asks him to come inside. He smiles when Jiang Cheng takes off the scarf.

They do manage to keep the session professional, except for one little moment. When Lan Xichen wraps Jiang Cheng in a towel and tucks in the edges, he also tucks a stray hair behind Jang Cheng’s ear. They share a soft look and a smile, then Lan Xichen clears his throat and leaves the room after turning on the music.

Later, they prepare dinner together, and his nervousness earlier turns out to be unfounded. It’s easy for them to just switch into… Jiang Cheng calls it ‘Boyfriend Mode’ in his head, though he’d never say it out loud. Lan Xichen is a very tactile person and Jiang Cheng finds he’s a person who… craves touch. Sometimes their hands will brush against each other, or Jiang Cheng will lean against Lan Xichen, or Lan Xichen will put his hand on Jiang Cheng’s waist or the small of his back. It just seems to come naturally for them and… He never knew or expected it could be this easy.

They kiss. It is simple, like their other touches. Lan Xichen is stirring the pot, while Jiang Cheng tells him about a cute dog he saw during one of his walks. Their eyes meet, Lan Xichen smiles, Jiang Cheng returns the smile. Lan Xichen leans towards him. They kiss. Short, but very tender. Lan Xichen smiles again, his whole face lights up and they kiss again, a little longer. It feels… like a habit. As though they’ve been doing this for a long time, as though they will be doing this for a long time. Which doesn’t mean it’s not also exciting. It makes him feel hot, but in a way that’s soothing… Like drinking hot cocoa after walking through the snow.

During dinner, Lan Xichen asks him about his weekend and Jiang Cheng tells him about the time he spent with A-Ling, which reminds him of the conversation he had with his sister. Jiang Cheng’s first instinct is to ignore that reminder… but Lan Xichen said honesty is very important to him. Jiang Cheng should be upfront. They need to talk about their families and how they want to tell them sooner or later anyway, if this is... And considering their brothers’ relationship… He doesn't want to be responsible for Lan Xichen getting in situations where he might have to lie to his brother or conceal something from him.

So Jiang Cheng spends the rest of the meal trying to mentally prepare himself for yet another conversation about their relationship, possibly about feelings, too. He’s had so many of those in the past few weeks. Maybe all the conversations he’s avoided over the past year can’t be pushed back anymore, and are now trying to break through all at once. Maybe it’s him being selfish… he knows he needs to sort out his life if he wants to be with Lan Xichen. Or maybe… when he cried in front of Lan Xichen and felt safe and understood instead of humiliated… maybe that helped him to stop running away from conversations that scared him.

"Lan-laoshi…There's something I wanted to talk about with you."

"Ah, maybe drop the laoshi when we're... like this?" Lan Xichen chuckles lightly, as he closes the dishwasher. Then he sits back down at the kitchen table and smiles warmly at Jiang Cheng. “What did you want to talk about?”

"Right, I can do that… anyway, I should tell you… I told my sister. About you. Us. This." Jiang Cheng takes a sip from his water, so he stops adding unnecessary words. "I hope that's okay? We didn't really discuss whether… and things are a little complicated right now anyway, with our families… "

Lan Xichen's eyes widen a little. He looks surprised, but not concerned. "Oh, of course. I don’t mind at all."

"Have you… have you told your brother yet?"

"Ah… Wangji knows that there is someone, but… “ Lan Xichen cocks his head, then says softly: “I understand your relationship with Wei Wuxian is somewhat tense at the moment, so… Would you want to tell your brother yourself?"

Jiang Cheng can't help the bitter laugh that escapes him. "I'm not talking to my brother at all these days."

"Oh, I didn't realise… That must be difficult, I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, it's my fault."

Right. Lan Xichen doesn't know. Once he knows, he'll probably be disappointed in him. Maybe get second thoughts after all. He really shouldn't have told his sister, it's too early, too fragile, Nie Huaisang knows too… Soon, they'll both know when Jiang Cheng gets rightfully dumped and…

Lan Xichen rests his hand warmly on top of Jiang Cheng's. His eyes and his smile are just as warm. The gesture is both a reassurance and an invitation. Jiang Cheng doesn’t have to talk about it, doesn’t have to say anything, but he could.

And he really can. He could… tell Lan Xichen anything. Show him the worst parts of himself and… Even if it changes his opinion of Jiang Cheng, he wouldn’t make him feel worse than he already does.

It's not really a conversation that can be avoided, is it? So he should just go ahead and get it over with.

“I do want to tell you… it’s just…” Jiang Cheng sighs and drags a hand over his face. “I’m not sure I can do… I’ve never… So I don’t know how I would… I might be a mess.”

Lan Xichen simply smiles, nods, and says: “Alright.”

Fifteen minutes later, Jiang Cheng is sitting on the couch, a pot of tea is on the table in front of him, and the bunnies are exploring the living room. Lan Xichen places a box of tissues on the couch table, before sitting down next to him. Jiang Cheng can’t help but laugh at that.

He’s never actually tried to put into words what happened, because Jiang Yanli knows what happened. He assumes Wei Wuxian told her, anyway, and the rest she must’ve guessed correctly because she knows them so well… And he’s been ignoring anyone else who could ask about it. So now he has to find words to give to Lan Xichen, has to tell him about how horrible Jiang Chang has been, can be, when he wants to show him anything but.

Jiang Cheng is too scared to look at him while he talks. Scared to see the very moment Lan Xichen switches from sympathy to judgment. He doesn’t want to see Lan Xichen’s eyes when they start seeing him the same way Jiang Cheng sees himself.

He tries to stick to the facts: After Jiang Yanli moved in with Jin Zixuan, they sold their family home.Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian were going to get a flat closer to uni together. They found one; Jiang Cheng paid for the deposit. A week after the move, the day before their moving in party, Wei Wuxian told him he was moving in with the Wens instead to help take care of A-Yuan, since Wen Ning’s hospital stay didn’t seem to be a short one. Jiang Cheng got angry. They had a fight (Jiang Cheng barely remembers what they said) that ended with Jiang Cheng telling Wei Wuxian he’s free to leave. Specifically told him to ‘go the fuck away and stay away’. And Wei Wuxian listened. In the past year, they’ve seen each other two times: Jiang Yanli’s birthday and Jin Ling’s birthday.

Saying it out loud, hearing it out loud…

“So, in conclusion: I’m a fucking asshole. Now you know.” Jiang Cheng laughs, a bitter sound, and his fingernails dig into his palms. He still can’t look at Lan Xichen.

Lan Xichen… doesn’t say anything. But he takes his hand.

“Thank you for telling me.”

Jiang Cheng closes his eyes. Will this be followed by ‘I didn’t realise this is the kind of person you are’ or ‘You’re right, I shouldn’t be doing this with you’? He knows Lan Xichen won’t actually say either of this, but…

“Wanyin… would you look at me?”

Jiang Cheng really doesn’t want to, but… Lan Xichen said his name so carefully, so gently… He opens his eyes and turns his head.

Lan Xichen’s eyes are still kind.

Jiang Cheng’s heart draws tight, so tight it hurts. And then… it softens.

Lan Xichen smiles. This is not unusual. After all, he’s very generous with his smiles. Jiang Cheng still finds himself surprised.

“You must have been very hurt.” Lan Xichen squeezes his hand when he says this. Which is good, because Jiang Cheng can focus on that instead. On the warmth of his hand, his elegant, long fingers covering his. Instead of… How Lan Xichen picked this to focus on, after everything he said.

Did he make it sound like it was Wei Wuxian’s fault? He’s been hiding behind his anger and blame for so long, maybe that has influenced his telling of the events. Maybe Lan Xichen got the wrong idea. “I… Yes, but… that’s no excuse. He was just helping… he was doing the right thing, even if I… and it’s been so long, so I should really… I should have apologized a long time ago, I’m the one who messed it all up.”

“Are you waiting for him to make the first step?”

He can’t hear any judgment in Lan Xichen’s voice. He’s not saying ‘this is your fault, so you should be the one apologizing’. He’s simply asking about Jiang Cheng’s feelings, because he thinks they matter. Though there’s nothing simple about his feelings.

Jiang Cheng has verbalized this part many times. Has said ‘he abandoned me, he should be the one who apologises’, and variations of it, to his sister. But deep down it’s not what he actually thinks. Because Lan Xichen’s eyes are still kind, because he’s holding his hand, because there’s no judgment, because he doesn’t expect him to answer a certain way… Jiang Cheng tries to be honest.

“I think I am. He’s always… Whenever we fought, he was always the one… Well, he didn’t apologise, but he just went back to teasing me, went back to normal… He knows I just get angry, no matter what I actually feel, he used to know that… I thought it’d be the same this time. But… So, maybe he doesn’t want to make up.”

Tears burn in his eyes and he’s not sure it’s even worth the effort trying to hold them back. They’ll spill sooner or later, just like these words are spilling from his mouth, now that he’s allowing them to. He’s still looking at Lan Xichen’s hand. At both their hands, resting on Lan Xichen’s thigh. Lan Xichen’s thumb strokes the back of his hand, so Jiang Cheng continues.

“If I went to him, he would come back. He’s always… I know he would. But I don’t want to be an obligation or a burden for him. I don’t want him to feel pity for me. If he doesn’t want to… And I understand, our relationship has never been easy. We always existed in comparison to each other and I know he held himself back sometimes, to make up for my lacking… I had thought, with my parents gone it would be - which is a horrible thought - but I thought it would get easier, gentler. But I guess I’m still me. So… I understand. And if he thinks I hate him, he’ll stay away. He seems happy with his life, so…”

Jiang Cheng is crying now, can’t even be bothered by it. And there’s still more words waiting to burst out of him, finally freed after a year of living only in the darkest corners of Jiang Cheng’s heart. Lan Xichen still isn’t saying anything, just listens to everything, holds his hand, shares his warmth with Jiang Cheng, so he doesn’t feel cold while baring himself.

“I can’t help it though, I’m still… I’m still angry. Not just at myself, at him. He said we’d always be brothers, would always be together… I know it’s childish, but he shouldn’t have said it if he didn’t mean it. If he was able to just leave like that, he shouldn’t have… They were my friends, too, I could have helped! He just made his choice and left! And fine, if he’s happier that way… Fine! But then he sends me his stupid selfies, every fucking day! Who does that? Why would he… He should just stay gone, if that’s what he wants!”

He draws in a shuddering breath and sinks back against the couch. There. He’s said everything he’s been holding in. He feels… He doesn’t know what he feels. Drained? Relieved?

Though there’s one more thing, one last thought that wants to escape: “I miss him so much.”

They’re both quiet for a while. Jiang Cheng, who is avoiding Lan Xichen’s eyes again, grabs a tissue and wipes his face. He’s thinking about making a ‘funny’ comment about how the tissues did come in handy after all to break the silence, but Lan Xichen is quicker: “Can I give you a hug?”

Jiang Cheng turns to look at him and… He doesn’t know what to make of Lan Xichen’s expression, his voice. There’s understanding and sympathy, but he also looks… sad, maybe, and it feels like he’s asking to be hugged just as much as he’s asking to give a hug. Jiang Cheng nods and immediately, Lan Xichen lets go of his hand, wraps his arms around him and pulls him close. Jiang Cheng returns the hug tightly, buries his face in Lan Xichen’s hair. Tightens his hold whenever Lan Xichen does the same.

The hug is maybe one of the best he’s ever received. Lan Xichen hugs without restraint. Doesn't hold back, doesn’t feel embarrassed about wanting to hold someone. Doesn't feel embarrassed about seeking such closeness.

Jiang Cheng feels warm and safe and… liked. Even after everything he just said. So he keeps holding on to him until Lan Xichen eventually draws back. He doesn’t fully let go of Jiang Cheng, he only pulls away enough to smile down at him.

“Thank you for telling me. That can’t have been easy.”

“Uh, well, thank you for listening. And it… well, actually it ended up being too easy. Sorry, I just kinda barfed up all those words.” Oh fuck, way to ruin a moment.

However, Lan Xichen simply laughs, before he turns more serious again. “Do you want to hear my thoughts? Or do you just want to rest now?”

Oh… He is exhausted. But simply the fact Lan Xichen gives him this choice is enough to makes him want to keep talking. “I’d like to hear what you think.”

Lan Xichen turns a little, so they can look at each other more comfortably. Jiang Cheng also adjusts his position, until they’re facing each other. Lan Xichen takes Jiang Cheng’s hand again, while the other rests on Jiang Cheng’s knee.

“I don’t think you’re an asshole.”

Jiang Cheng grimaces at such an obvious lie. Lan Xichen chuckles and lifts his hand to smooth out Jiang Cheng’s frown with his fingertips. “Don’t frown, let me finish talking.”

He rolls his eyes a little, but stops frowning and nods.

“I think your anger is very understandable. Your hurt, too. It’s easy to look back at this moment and see everything that went wrong, what you could have done better. But back then you were shocked and hurt, so you lashed out. It doesn’t matter if your brother had good intentions, or did ‘the right thing’... that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to be upset how it affected you.”

Lan Xichen casually wipes away a tear that escaped Jiang Cheng’s eye and continues talking.

“It seems you’ve carried around this moment since then, have thought about it every day, have regretted it every day. And every additional day you weren’t talking made what you did worse in your eyes. So with every day that goes by, trying to fix it becomes even harder. But I don’t think it’s impossible, not at all. What you told me just now… you could tell it to Wei Wuxian.”

Jiang Cheng, who had been stunned into silence by Lan Xichen’s words simultaneously piercing his heart and soothing it, adamantly shakes his head. Probably frowns again. “ Fuck no. I can’t talk with him about this… I’m not good at talking about my feelings.”

“Oh?” Lan Xichen seems to be holding back a laugh. “But you just did it. Very well, in my opinion.”

“That’s different!”

“How?”

“Well… because you’re you. And Wei Wuxian and I… we never talked about the painful stuff because we knew it would end badly. And even if I would manage to talk about it without getting angry or saying hurtful things… Getting him to talk honestly about his feelings would be just as difficult.”

“Maybe he’s been thinking about this as much as you did and has his own regrets.”

Jiang Cheng's first instinct is, of course, to disagree, but… Lan Xichen has said so many things he wants to be true, has said things that felt true… “Yeah… maybe.”

“I know confronting the issue is scary. But maybe it’s more scary to think this… hm… this limbo you’re in will continue? You’re regretting, you’re missing him… but you’re also still hoping. I think so, anyway.”

“Yeah…” Jiang Cheng rubs the back of his neck. “Yeah… maybe… “

Lan Xichen looks at him fondly, eyes crinkling. He caresses his cheek again, wiping a few more tears in the process. Jiang Cheng would like to hug him again, would like to kiss him, to bury himself in his warmth. But he realises he really needs to blow his nose, so he does that instead of any of those much nicer things. “Ugh… sorry. Somehow I always end up crying all over you.”

“Ah, last time it was my turn, now you again… it can be our thing.”

Jiang Cheng gives him an incredulous look and they both laugh. “No thank you, that sounds exhausting. I’m sure we can think of something less emotionally draining.”

Lan Xichen hums, clearly amused and presses a kiss to the back of Jiang Cheng’s hand. “True, that would definitely be preferable. But… just for the record… I do not mind. Thank you for trusting me with this. I know how difficult it is to show someone… the parts of yourself you’re ashamed of. It’s something I’m still struggling with. ...As you know.”

Lan Xichen seems embarrassed, which Jiang Cheng cannot accept, so he lifts their hands and presses a kiss to Lan Xichen’s hand this time. “I do trust you. And I… you’re much better at all of this, of course, but you can trust me too, with stuff like that. I’ll try to be… you know... Uhm, anyway, I think I do feel catharsis now! So maybe that’s just our thing, haha.”

“Mhm, definitely sounds better than emotional devastation. Though I suppose they often are closely linked.”

They share another smile, and Jiang Cheng once again thinks how much he’d like to kiss him. But once again, he doesn’t. He suddenly becomes painfully aware of the dried tears on his cheeks, so he excuses himself to go wash his face. He returns to Lan Xichen sitting on the floor between the bunnies and joins him.

This time, Cloud doesn’t pee on him. Lan Xichen still drives him home later and they kiss in the car.

There’s an underlying tenderness every time Lan Xichen touches him. Jiang Cheng only hopes his own touch feels the same. But this kiss… It’s really… They’ve been good at kissing from the start. But this time…It leaves him breathless.

It’s a kiss like their hug earlier. Without embarrassment. Without the need to hold back or hide any feelings. Even though Lan Xichen would have every reason to be cautious.

Once they’ve caught their breath, Lan Xichen invites him over for Thursday afternoon. No massage this time. Just a walk, then tea and cake at his apartment after. Jiang Cheng agrees, obviously. Even if he had class or something, he’d probably still agree. After a kiss like that…

Later, he finds himself in bed with a notebook. It’s a present Wei Wuxian got him - made for him - for his 18th birthday. It has Jiang Cheng’s poems, in beautiful calligraphy… and with illustrations by Wei Wuxian. He even drew a dog for him.

Wei Wuxian… probably misses him, too.

Maybe they can be better brothers after all this. Maybe Jiang Cheng can be a better brother.

The thought of contacting him is still terrifying. But… it feels like the terror becomes smaller.

So, maybe soon…

[rahabs]

How are you staying active during quarantine? I just tipped into 180lbs, highest I've ever been, and I'm getting really depressed about it 😔 I've only gained about 7-8 pounds due to the quarantine, but back in January I was at 163, and I'm really struggling with the fact that I'm back up again after how hard I've been working. It feel like I can't get the weight to stay off, now esp. (Sorry for the mini rant, but I actually followed you Bc of your fitness posts, I appreciate them a lot

Many hugs to you, Anon, and there is no need to apologise 🖤  You are definitely not alone.  I have also been struggling a lot with my weight recently (I have deliberately been putting on muscle, about 25lbs of it, but it is still a struggle to do so and to feel sometimes like my work getting down from 210lbs is being reversed--I am up to 145-150lbs myself, even though I still fit most all of my clothes from when I was 122lbs), but please do not be too hard on yourself!  Some of that weight gain might be muscle, but I understand how frustrating and demoralising it can be nonetheless, I really do.  Like... I really, really cannot emphasise enough how much I understand and how much I get what you’re going through right now, and I wish with all my heart that you weren’t going through it, because it hurts and it makes you just feel awful and so I am really and truly wishing you all the best right now, but also I have the utmost faith in you and despite the setback it is nothing that you cannot fix going forward 🖤

To answer your question, I’ve been doing a mix of things, but the two biggest things for me are that I built myself a routine, and I try to just walk everywhere that I can.  Also, I track in an app called MyFitnessPal, because I need to hold myself accountable.  The gyms in my city have recently opened back up and I have usually been going five times a week (reduced capacity and you can only go for an hour, but I use every second of that hour because cardio is how I best manage OCD/PTSD/anxiety, and I love love love seeing some beloved familiar strangers at the gym--we all wave happily to each other, since we tend to book the same time slots 🖤), but before they opened up my biggest friend was just walking.  I have a lot of joint issues due to my improperly healed torn hip flexor and my former obesity, so I can’t run, but you don’t need to run.  Walking is your best friend.  Or even household chores.  I used to work for a landscaping company, so when I can I will help with the yardwork (even though I dislike it--I try to find ways to make it more fun, and I genuinely enjoy being out in the sun, so there’s that at least).  I make sure things stay tidy, I’ve been writing a lot and trying to see friends when I can, or get out to hike in the mountains.  If I go grocery shopping and I’m waiting in a line, sometimes I’ll lazily bicep-curl my grocery bags.  I’ll walk to the mailbox, I’ll walk through the neighbourhood, I’ll walk to the grocery store or to the nearest gas station.  My dogs are old so I cannot walk them anymore, especially since we are under a heat wave, but I’ll get up and play with them.  Bottom line: if I could find somewhere to walk and an excuse to walk there, I would.  When I couldn’t, I would sit down and exercise by following my favourite home workout YouTube channel.  (Seriously, she is amazing; I’ve followed her for years, since her channel was just starting out.  I just got a half-sleeve tattoo and cannot use a lot of gym equipment at the moment so I have gone back to her videos, as she provides a lot of modifications and alternatives and just so many good at-home exercises that you don’t need any fancy equipment for.)

The routine is the most important part, though.  I need structure, and if I have structure I find that I am less likely to binge, because my brain won’t freak out as much (whether out of boredom or something else).

You might know this already but I’m a (recovering) binge-eater and I also eat when bored or stressed, so I’ve just been trying to occupy myself with things other than food.  I had a really bad spot for awhile where I was doing really, really poorly in that department an binged every day, but I finally put my foot down last week and this is the longest that I’ve been binge-free in months.  I also have BDD, which I am working on (hard going when my attempts to ask the people around me for help often fall on deaf ears).

I think it’s important to realise that fitness and weight loss isn’t always linear.  There will be times where you falter and stumble and when that happens it’s important not to punish yourself--instead just accept and acknowledge that it’s happened and adapt for the future.  Like a little AAA battery!  Bodies are also weird, and sometimes they react to things strangely.  I’m not a professional in any way, but since working to put on some muscle I have noticed that women’s bodies at least like... they are strange things sometimes.   And I know it sounds weird, but try not to put too much emphasis on a number on the scale.  I’m not saying “get rid of the scale!” or “smash the scale!” or anything silly like that because I think to some people having the scale is really important, so long as it doesn’t become something obsessive you fixate on (I have severe OCD, professionally diagnosed, so easier said than done, but it’s doable by adding it to the routine and picking one day a week where I check in), but make sure it doesn’t become a focal point of your weight loss.

Instead, just notice how your clothes are fitting.  If you have body tape, you can use that too.  Pick a favourite pair of jeans and just see how they fit over time, or a favourite bra, or something that doesn’t stretch as easily as yoga pants.  Again, some of your recent weight gain might actually be muscle mass, especially if you aren’t noticing a lot of change in how your clothes from January fit.  When I first hit 145lbs when I was first losing the weight, I didn’t look like I do at my current 145-150lbs, after having got down to 120 and then making the decision to put some muscle back on.  Save for some jean shorts that I bought at my lowest weight, because I build thick muscles in my thighs, I still fit all the clothes I bought and wore at 120lbs--including my fitted dresses, my Stampede jeans, most of my bras, and the pair of “check Lulus” I bought because those things are without mercy.  I also have a couple really good friends I check in with who know me and who I can trust to tell me the truth when I cannot perceive it myself.  And, when I’m being honest with it (which I am trying really hard to be again), I have MyFitnessPal, which has been with me through thick and thin.

If you can, I would recommend a good fitness tracker, too.  Fitbit is really good and user-friendly.  I have a Garmin now, because Fitbit doesn’t make adult watches or watch bands small enough for my ridiculous baby bird wrists, but I had my Fitbit for years before that and it saw me through the vast majority of my weight loss/fitness quest.  It can be very helpful to just help you gauge where you are; most people grossly overestimate how active they actually are, and if you’re up for it, a tracker can be helpful in giving you empirical data from which you can base some better decisions around.

And just do you best to stay active.   I do not know if you have any gyms where you live or if they’re open, but I would really recommend getting a membership, though I totally understand that gyms are not for everyone.  If not, I really do recommend checking out that youtube channel I linked (Koboko Fitness), and just doing your best to walk wherever there’s the option to walk (and it won’t cause undue hardship/pain/etc).  Lift some boxes around the house.  Turn doing the dishes into a stretching exercise.  If you’re familiar with yoga, do yoga (I do not because I am not familiar with it and it can be dangerous to people like me with joint issues to start if you don’t have anyone around who can tell you if you’re doing it right, but my younger sister is working on a cert and she does yoga daily, even with the baby bump).  Many gyms are offering online classes right now too, including the gyms I go to (GoodLife Fitness in Canada), so they can be worth checking out too!

But also just know you’re not in that boat alone.  Many people are struggling right now, including myself, so if you ever need to chat my inbox and my DMs are always open (and I can toss my Discord handle out too if that helps), because a support system can really make all the difference.  I never had one for the longest time, and so when I fell back on old, bad habits it took me awhile to pull myself out of it (again).  I really can talk about this forever but I will stop myself now because I am a chatty cathy but!  Please feel free to send messages whenever you want, Anon, and please be kind to yourself!  I know it’s scary and I know it’s disappointing because I have been there many a time but you can do this, I believe in you!  You’ve had a setback but it isn’t anything that can’t be fixed/corrected and I have faith that you will be able to get back on the proverbial horse and mow down Alexander’s armies in a way that would make the Achaemenids proud 🖤 I hope this helped in some way and that I was able to answer your question!

[graymalkyn]

HELLO!! I don't know if requests are open right now or not but to be honest I just saw that V video thing and I'm... so... shook! Anyway, I was thinking about you and my ships while watching and well, do you think it would be possible for you to write Yoosung's reactions to seeing V with long hair? (Vsung) ANY TYPE OF WRITING IS FINE! THANK YOU :3

If you’re okay with this super lame thing, then you can have it omg (I’m so lame, sorry!) Thanks for the ask!

“Maaan, Set C was awful today,” Seungho moaned.

“You still ate it all,” Hyunoh replied, poking his friend inthe stomach. They were walking back to the classroom for the afternoon classes.

“Of course! Nothing should go to waste! But seriously, Yoosung– we can set up a fund or something, and you can make lunch for the three of us. Besides, spring’sjust begun and it’s the best time to eat outside. There’s a little grove not far from here that’s perfect for picnics.”

“Eh? But I can only cook a few dishes, and besides, I reallydon’t have that much time these days…”

“Yoosuuung,” Seungho whined, “Yoosung-ah… Pleeease…” Hepassed his arm round Yoosung’s shoulders. “Don’t tell me it’s because of LOLOL…I’ll even come over and help, every night! Ah, my girlfriend might not like itbut please, say you’ll cook for us!”

Yoosung puffed up his rosy cheeks. “My life doesn’t revolvearound LOLOL anymore! I’m trying my best to—!” He bit his lips and clenchedthe strap of his messenger bag. No way in hell he was going to tell those two that he wasplanning to try and catch up with Jihyun. Of course they’d never be at the samelevel, but they’d made a promise, and after Jihyun had finally decided to get thesurgery, Yoosung felt that he’d somewhat fallen behind. He’d been supportive ofthe treatment and Jihyun was not shy about revealing how important Yoosung’sencouragement had been in making his recovery, but now Jihyun had startedtraveling again. This time, he’d been gone for two months, and the texts,snapshots, and late-night calls only made him feel his absence even more.

Just a couple moredays, Yoosung thought. He gave a little nod and walked along the corridor tothe main hall, barely paying attention to the menus that his friends wereconcocting. As he turned round the corner, he noticed a tall figure trying toread the campus map. 

His heart reacted before his brain, dancing in his chestwildly.

That color was unique, and Yoosung loved it when hewas able to spot Jihyun so easily. But now, the hair was slightly longer, andthe nape that always begged to be kissed by his lips was now adorned with soft locksthat reminded Yoosung of cotton candy.

His knees buckled but his legs remained strong; strong enough, in fact, to suddenly take him away from there, making him dashinto the first restroom he found. He closed the door behind him, feeling hisblood rushing through his entire body. He pressed his cold palms to his burning cheeks. He closed his eyes and the only image he saw was that of Jihyun’s softlyparted lips, distractedly brushing away a stray lock as he searched through themap.

His eyes… Were his eyes still okay? It seemed that way. Yoosungwondered if that slightly longish fringe would bother him. If it did, he could styleit up. Or he could use the hairpins that Yoosung always saved in his apartment,a remnant of the time without Jihyun. He covered his face as he imagined Jihyun sitting at the desk, working on his projects, and Yoosung himself twirling that stray lock round hisfingers. “There you go!” he would say,leaving his forehead clear and ready for a kiss. “Yoosung, you’re an angel!” Jihyun would reply, pulling him intohis arms and snuggling him warmly.

“AAAAAAH JIHYUN KIM, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO CUTE?!” Yoosung shouted.He gasped and covered his mouth tightly. Oh no, he smelled like Set C! What ifJihyun found him like that? He quickly rummaged around his bag for his toothbrushset. It was a good thing that he’d started carrying that thing around. Hebrushed his teeth almost furiously, even scraping the back of his tongue. He hadn’tbrought along the mouthwash, but that should be enough. “Oh, Jihyun – you’re back!” he would casually say, keeping hisdistance. “What a surprise! How was yourtrip?” Ah, but should he skip classes, then? No, Jihyun wouldn’t like that.They’d probably arrange to meet later in the evening. Yoosung put away histoiletries, looked at himself in the mirror, adjusted his hoodie, and gavehimself a bright smile.

Play it cool, play itcool. He’ll still be there, right? He dashed out of the door only to bumpinto a warm chest.

Ah.

He didn’t even need to open his eyes to know, but he did itanyway, looking up slowly.

A pair of lovely eyes were gazing down at him, and that straylock of his seemed to reach down to gently caress Yoosung’s head. “Hello,” hesaid, with that sweet voice of his. “I saw you run this way. I was waiting foryou to come out.” 

Man, Jihyun was ten times cooler now. He’d had been a fool to believethat one day he’d be able to be at his level.

A strangled meepcame out of Yoosung’s throat, making him go red in the face. He pressed hisforehead against Jihyun’s chest. Ah, whose heartbeat was this, making itselfheard this wildly? Could it be that both of them were equally flustered, equally moved by eachother’s presence? Yoosung found the courage to look up a little and he grinnednervously. “Long time no see, Jihyun.” His eyes darted from one side to thenext to make sure that nobody would be coming their way and he stroked Jihyun’slocks softly. “It looks good.” His amethyst eyes found the turquoise ones andhe didn’t let go when he murmured, “Youlook good…”

It was Jihyun’s turn to glance around. He wrapped hisfingers around Yoosung’s hand and boldly pressed his lips to his palm, taking astep forward. “That restroom… It’s empty at the moment, right?” he said casually.

Jihyun’s casual tone always undid him.

Yoosung smiled and pressed his back against the door, stepping inside confidently. 

Not for a moment did he let go of Jihyun’s hand.  

[myvelouri]

I'm having a slight break down. This is going to be way too personal

If anyone is allowed to hate their life (trust me there's a lot of people who are) then it's definitely me.

I'll tell you why. First of all, why should I care about this? I say that to myself, but I care a lot anyway.

I've never really been able to have sex like normal. As in, my body just fucking sucks and does weird shit. So, I've said it before. If I have sex or masturbate for more than 2 weeks, my skin suddenly becomes really oily and I get these hard bumps that eventually turn into fat ass PIMPLES and often times cysts. And yeah, they have scarred my face permanently. I get this on my fave, my back, bottom and arm pits. If I stay abstinent and don't jerk off or ANYTHING, I have the most perfect skin. (The permanent scars are still of course there and many have accumulated). And I just feel like this isn't supposed to happen, this isn't supposed to be real, doctors say it's impossible, yet it's happening to me and it's dead ass real. I've done many experiments and changed the variables like a science project, and it WAS one. I can prove this happens to me. But it's not about you believing me. I'm extremely... Heart broken that this is happening at all. My heart starts to shake. Because this seems unrealistic. Still, 15 years later. I still have to deal with this. To cope, I tell myself, well, other people just have acne ALL the time without being able to stop it, but me? I know what triggers it, and I don't have acne at all, but if I don't have sex as much as I want to, then I'm good to go. But my god it's such torture. It truly is. All of my ex's and past FWB actually ARE aware of this "condition" I have. They seem to be totally baffled by it too, and how real it is.

And it affects not just my own sense of freedom and enjoyment... But my god, when your girl is horny and she wants to fuck your brains out and you have to say "I'm sorry babe, I just can't... I can't right now, it'll be bad for me" it hurts the relationship wether she says "okay babe, I understand" or not. It just does.

And on top of all that, my dick size pisses me off. I'm 6'2", my dick should be huge. But it ain't. And here's another kicker, I can't fucking get hard. Imagine a 20 year with a fuck ass dick. Yeah, hi, that's me.

Although I stopped any kind of masturbation and porn for months at a time and it totally helped my erection.. it felt so fucking horrible. Wasting months and years of my life unable to just whack off or have fun having sex with someone I like and likes me.

It's cruel. It's so fucking cruel.

But to make myself feel fucking better, I tell myself, "hey, at least I wasn't born a pedophile, imagine how much worse that would be." And yeah. That doesn't even make me feel better anymore

My heart is racing now, as I type this.

My face in scars, my body just awful.

There's also the fact that I have a condition, a oral one, so, my mouth and jaws never fully properly formed growing up, and my face grew elongated and basically gave me a perma-derpy face. Picture Napoleon Dynamite, but brown, and fat. That's what the fuck happenened to me. It's a common condition. And you can see my school pictures every year from kindergartner to 5th grade and watch my face degrade and retard. It's fascinating to see. But I used to be a beautiful fuckin kid. This condition made me so ugly. I remember before I had it. In kindergarten and before, I have memories of girls all over me saying I was so cute. Girls asked me to marry them in kindergarten. But a few years later, those same girls didn't recognize me. It was traumatic for me. Big time. In fact, my heart is racing even faster right now. I'm gonna take a sip of my alcohol real quick.

Okay. So, on top of all that, I was a heavy kid. Well, luckily for me I'm a smarty pants and I was able to lose all my weight by 14 years old. Super skinny. But guess what? I have loose skin. It's rather mild but my god I cannot wear tight shirts at all. It's awful. I never take my shirt off in public. I've been working out and I can look decent in pictures in a few poses. But it's still horrendous in real life. You can see stretch marks too. I don't mind those.

But yeah. I've never felt free. I still have that insecurity and I usually try to hide my body if the wind is pushing my shirt into my body. I get anxiety and start sweating. It's just mental. I can't stop it, I can't okay?

And here's another thing. I was always really intelligent, very quick, and extremely funny. I used to be the class clown in my classes and even in my family (I have tons of relatives) and I used to be so popular on both of those social scenes. It was incredible. Girls would like me for my personality but wouldn't date or fuck me because they said I looked too ugly and goofy. Yeah, let me tell you, that took a long time to be okay with. I'm not okay with it still, but I won't cry anymore about it. So yeah, my brain, the only thing I cherished. I was amazing at video games, above average in everything I did, I used to help out my friends and family in video games and they'd be so impressed, they'd love me so much. I'd play online and people would go nuts at my skills, even when playing multiplayer games with family actually, I'd do some crazy fast reaction shots in shooters that was fucking incredible. I used to play professionally with a team I had too. I was looked up to in many ways. I was told that too. And so I loved my brain. I remember the quality of life, being capable of joking around, and it was so much fun, what a great gift of life. I'd joke around nonstop, riff with everyone, and I'd always be the one to win and end up making everyone crack up. Wow. That was FUN. It made life worth living and is why I absolutely adore comedy. But... I suddenly was hit with depression. I isolated myself. And slowly, my brain started to deteriorate. I have lost all of my big personality, humor (most of it is gone) my quickness, I'm terrible at games, my brain functions very slowly, I'm terrible at socializing (I used to dominate) and I can't study or pass classes like I used to (I used to with ease) and I can't remember things or memorize things at all anymore. Depression is slowly killing my brain, year by year. It's even worse now.

And now I'm finally old. I have nothing, can't do anything. My depression isn't mild. It was originally diagnosed as "severe depression" and it has killed me, who I am. The real me ain't here. I try not to say that as it makes my sister cry. But I died a long time ago. I'm just a shadow of my former self trying to make the best of whatever is left for me here. I have strong opinions on things, and I can't fucking even care anymore.

The worst part is just waking up. Every day. I hate thinking. But it's all my brain makes me do. And it's not even good at it anymore like I used to be. I wish it would stop. I'm scared to buy a gun. I was getting one for sport. To shoot targets. Not to kill anyone. I mean, it's good for self defense. But I just wanted it for sport. But I'm afraid. Because I think I really would shoot myself in the head eventually. I am so scared of that.

I'm tired.

I'm so very tired.