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bedlamsbard · 3 years ago

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Part two of the Caleb and Loth-wolf concept! I am tentatively planning for this to be a five things fic, but I am absolutely unwilling to commit to that at the moment. This follows part one; technically it’s backstory for The Starry Crown, but its relevance there isn’t in any of the posted chapters and it stands on its own.

About 4.7K below the break.

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When Caleb had a question about anything, which was often, because he didn’t like not knowing things and he liked the satisfaction of having a proper explanation to fill empty spaces in his knowledge of the universe, his preferred method was to pester the crèche masters until he was satisfied by their responses. But this time he didn’t want to let Master Krell know about Rroshaal, since if Rroshaal had wanted Krell to know about him he would have stayed with Caleb instead of disappearing.

So instead, Caleb went to the library.

Caleb liked the library. It was quiet and while sometimes the Knights and older padawans working there looked askance at his presence, no one had ever kicked him out, though he had on occasion been steered away from some of the more restricted sections. Master Nu, upon once finding him struggling to fetch out a holodisk shelved out of his reach because he was intrigued by the symbols on the spine, had shown him how to use the computers to search the Temple databases. Caleb’s log-in was keyed to his DNA and he hadn’t yet figured out how to get around that, so his access was fairly restricted compared to what even an initiate or older youngling might have gotten, but it was better than not having it at all, and he could lose hours scrolling through seemingly endless amounts of information. Sometimes he didn’t even recognize the redactions where information that wasn’t appropriate for his level had been hidden.

He waited impatiently through his last few lessons for the day, which he normally liked but wasn’t in the mood for, then practically ran out of the classroom and towards the library. Caleb made his way through the mazelike corridors of the Jedi Temple with the ease of long practice. He could have done it blindfolded; younglings trained and played that way, placing their trust in the Force and their other senses so that they didn’t become overly reliant on their eyes. This time he didn’t bother.

It was late enough in the day that most of the diurnal species in the Temple – the majority of them – had gone to dinner, either to eat in their rooms or the crèche or one of the big public halls or the gardens. Caleb bounced excitedly into the library and looked around for a free computer. The few Jedi still there looked around at his entrance, indulgently amused at his arrival. Caleb waved at them cheerfully and went over to the nearest computer, raising the seat up until he could see the screen clearly. He poked at the keyboard with his index fingers, trying to think of what the best search terms for Rroshaal’s species were.

Half an hour later, he had found all sorts of canines and felines and other mammals which varied from adorable to terrifying, but nothing that matched his memory of Rroshaal. They varied on the sentience scale, and if Caleb hadn’t been so focused on finding Rroshaal’s species he might have dropped everything to go beg the crèche masters for a miniature hamerlok puppy, but as it was he filed that away to think about later.

Caleb ended up in the library often enough that he knew better than to waste time searching for something when he didn’t know the best way to do so or didn’t have the necessary access. He looked around for one of the librarians and saw Master Nu coming towards him; she had found him on one of his research spirals a dozen times before and knew his pattern. He waved at her and she smiled at him.

“What are you looking for, Caleb?” she asked, resting a hand on the back of his chair.

Trying to sound as grown-up as possible, Caleb turned towards her and said, “I’m trying to identify another species, but I haven’t been able to find him – them.”

“A sentient species?”

He nodded. “But not a humanoid.”

“Someone you saw here in the Temple?”

Caleb bit his lip. Technically he had seen Rroshaal in the Temple, but he didn’t want to admit to Master Nu that he had been in the underlevels, and that wasn’t what she meant anyway. She was asking if he was talking about another Jedi, or maybe one of the civilians who were in the Temple sometimes. “I had a vision?” he said tentatively. It was partially true, after all; Rroshaal had shown him his species through the Force, and that was sort of like a vision. And he had seen Rroshaal with his own eyes, which was technically vision even if it wasn’t a vision. “I read a holobook,” he added, almost immediately afterwards. He read lots of holobooks.

Master Nu looked amused, but didn’t comment on the two contradictory explanations. “Do you know what this other species of yours looks like?”

Caleb nodded firmly. “Big. Furry. Sort of like canines – maybe like lupines. I don’t understand the difference,” he admitted. He pointed at the screen, which was still open on the image of the miniature hamerlok, which was a domesticated subspecies of an Alderaanian predator. It looked a little like Rroshaal had, except much smaller and less fluffy, and the wrong color, though the entry said they came in lots of colors. “Like that. But not. And they can use the Force. And they live in grasslands.”

“Hmm,” Master Nu said. She thought for a moment, then leaned over his shoulder. “Has anyone shown you how to use species identification software?”

Caleb perked up. “That exists?”

“It’s often used by law enforcement, but many Jedi find it useful for other purposes as well,” Master Nu explained. “Most Jedi don’t have to use it until they’re padawans.”

Caleb bounced excitedly at this new information, moving his chair to the side so that she could bring up the program. She had to enter her own ID and log-in information, then adjust the access levels so that Caleb would be able to use it without having someone else log him in. He watched excitedly as she showed him how to cycle through different physical traits, slowly building an image on the screen of Rroshaal as Caleb remembered him. When he was finished, the program offered him a list of possible species that matched the criteria Caleb had inputted.

“Do any of these look right?” Master Nu asked. “From your holobook?”

Caleb shrugged. “No, Master. Can we look at all of them?” There were fewer than a dozen, ranked in order of most to least likely.

“That’s usually the best way to do it.”

Caleb carefully put his finger to the first option, which read TUK’ATA/SITH HOUND (MORABAND). As soon as the new window opened, he shook his head, but read the entry anyway, fascinated, then looked up at Master Nu. “They can’t really all be evil, can they? I mean, if you got a pup and raised it here in the Temple – or away from the Sith worlds, anyway –”

“I can’t recall whether anyone has ever attempted it, but looking up their history might be a good research project for you,” Master Nu said, bemused. “It does seem like the sort of thing someone would have tried, especially during the aftermath of the Sith Wars.”

“I want to try,” Caleb declared.

“That is the sort of experiment that will have to wait until you’re at least a padawan,” Master Nu told him firmly. “Since you would have to go to Moraband to find one – every attempt to traffic them offworld has failed. That’s something else you could look up another time.”

Caleb nodded and closed the window. He touched the next item in the list, LOTH-WOLF (LOTHAL), and as soon as it opened, said delightedly, “That’s him! But they’re not extinct?” he added, seeing the first line of the entry.

“Why do you think that?”

“I saw him. I talked to him.” Caleb remembered abruptly that he didn’t want to explain how he had done so and said quickly, “In my vision.”

Master Nu quirked an eyebrow at him. “Do you want to tell me about your vision?” she asked. “Or perhaps talk to one of the masters who specializes in seeing?”

Caleb shook his head so rapidly that his learner’s braid hit him in the nose. “I have to figure it out on my own,” he said with as much dignity as he could muster when he was lying through his teeth. He copied the information carefully to his data storage account, then went back to get the tuk’ata information too while Master Nu went to find him some more books on Loth-wolves, after first making him promise that if he had another vision he would bring it to her or one of the other masters. Since if he ever actually did have a vision that was more than the flashes of precognition that gave Jedi their reflexes he was planning to tell everyone he knew, Caleb promised this solemnly.

Master Nu came back a few minutes later with a stack of holobooks for him – one a survey on Force-sensitive semi-sentient creatures and non-humanoids, one a travelogue from a Jedi Master who had mapped out many of the known Force-strong worlds, and one a history about Force-users who partnered with non-humanoids or semi-sentients. Caleb quietly thought that both “semi-sentient” and “non-humanoid” didn’t describe Rroshaal at all, but he wasn’t about to tell Master Nu that. Well, the non-humanoid part was true, but it didn’t really sum up what Rroshaal was.

He put the books carefully in his bag, noting that the history book was past his usual access level and wondering why, thanked Master Nu, and hurried off to the nearest dining hall. Dinner was still being served; even if he had missed it there was always food available somewhere in the Temple, though sometimes you had to do a bit more searching to find it. He wrapped a dozen meat pasties in a napkin along with two pieces of his favorite spice cake, then wrapped them in another napkin before putting them in his bag and making sure his water bottle was still mostly full. No one paid him any attention – he had found one of the dining halls that was mostly used by Knights and masters, a few of whom he knew, but everyone in the Temple was used to everyone else occasionally doing odd things. He waved at a Kiffar Knight who was one of his teachers in staff-fighting and left, grabbing a jogan fruit from a bowl as he did so.

He had to pause outside the hall and think about the best way to get down to the underlevels, since he wasn’t supposed to go there. After getting caught down there the previous day he probably really wasn’t supposed to go there, but it wasn’t like every youngling didn’t do it at one point or another. Like almost everything else in the Temple, there were lots of ways to get there, but Caleb thought that it was probably best if he chose one of the entrances closest to where Rroshaal had left him. He wanted Rroshaal to be able to find him again, but he didn’t want to get caught by Master Krell or any of the other crèche masters, either.

Decision made, he went trotting off. It took him longer to reach the underlevels than he had expected, since he was coming by a different route, but eventually he reached the bottom of the last staircase and hesitated, looking around. He had taken care to bring a glowstone with him this time so he wouldn’t get caught in the dark again, even if he couldn’t shake the feeling that it felt a little like cheating. What Caleb should have had was a lightsaber, but he wouldn’t have a lightsaber until after he had had his Gathering, and his cohort wouldn’t go on their Gathering for at least another two years, maybe even three or four.

“Rroshaal?” he called into the quiet, waiting dark of the underlevels. From here it just seemed like empty, unused space, but Caleb knew that it wasn’t. Further away – and further down – the underlevels deteriorated into a series of mazes, layers and layers of ancient temples built on top of each other. He’d read a book on it – well, he had run across it in a history, but when he went looking for more books he had found that they were beyond his access level, and Master Nu couldn’t be convinced to give them to him anyway. Caleb thought he might ask again, now that he had the excuse of having been caught down in the underlevels. He might as well use it for something. Maybe he could convince Master Krell and Master Nu that having to write a report on the history of the underlevels was an appropriate punishment.

“Rroshaal?” he called again. “It’s Caleb Dume. Rroshaal?”

There was no response. Caleb hesitated, wondering if he ought to go further in and away from the stairs. Maybe Rroshaal wouldn’t want to come this close to the entrance to the rest of the Temple, even though he had brought Caleb back yesterday.

He stood there for a few minutes, calling occasionally and hoping both that there weren’t security cams down here and that no one could hear him from the next level up.

There was no response.

Caleb stood there on the last step, feeling heat gather in his cheeks from embarrassment. He’d thought that Rroshaal had liked him. He was on the verge of going back to the crèche to palm off all the pasties on his crèche-mates when he thought suddenly, no. He had been acting like Rroshaal was a dumb animal, like the charhound pup one of the older initiates was fostering. Not that the charhound wasn’t very intelligent, but it wasn’t exactly a person, and Rroshaal was.

He reached with the Force, concentrating on his memory of Rroshaal’s strong sense of personality, and let his mind sink down into the vergence the Temple was built on. He knew that he wasn’t supposed to do that because vergences were dangerous – even Knights and masters weren’t supposed to do that – but Caleb thought that because he more or less knew what he was doing with it that he probably wouldn’t lose himself in the Force. He remembered what Rroshaal had told him yesterday, about the vergence where he lived and being able to move between that vergence and the one under the Temple. In a way, every vergence in the Force was one. They were unique – but at the same time they were also one.

Rroshaal? he thought, layering his memory of Rroshaal’s strong personality onto it. With rare exception, Jedi weren’t telepaths, but for their first few years in the crèche they didn’t have to speak to each other with words, either; they had the Force for that. Rroshaal, it’s Caleb Dume. He added his own mental signature to that, the emotional overtones in the Force that would tell another Force-user that it was him, Caleb Dume, and not someone else.

He could feel the weight of the Force as he opened himself to it. It was like the lake that he had seen on Alderaan when his cohort had visited the planet the previous year, the deep lake that was actually a rift in the planet’s surface and was more than ten kilometers deep. It pulled at him, at the surface of his mind; Caleb was aware of it – of it fluttering at the edges of his consciousness, bits and pieces of things that had happened in the past, that could have happened in the past, that were yet to come, of people who were long dead or were yet to be born or might never be born, of his people and the enemy of his people and all of those who touched the Force in their own way, whether they were Jedi or not.

He had never gone that deep into the Force before. He hadn’t meant to do so now.

He fought aside his instinctive panic, knowing that, like the lake, if he panicked he would drown. Caleb concentrated hard on his memory of Rroshaal, forcing himself to ignore the insistent whispers of almost-sound and the flickering almost-sight at the edges of his mind. Jedi were will. He wouldn’t let himself be swayed from his intention, now that he had set himself upon it.

Jedi were the Force. Whatever it was trying to show him, he already knew – he already was, or would be, or could be. All things were true at once in the Force.

Not trying to show him, he thought, a little dizzy. Do or do not. There is no try.

Caleb stopped fighting the almost-visions and let them pass through them instead, still keeping his mind on Rroshaal. He felt – bigger, somehow, older, as if his body no longer quite fit him in his dim awareness of his own physical form. But it wasn’t not his body, either; there was nothing unfamiliar about it. Caleb accepted that and let his call to Rroshaal roll out again, noting absently that there were layers in his mental signature that he had never been consciously aware of before. But they had always been there, of course.

He felt an instant of sleepy surprise, then acknowledgment.

They came from outside himself and were accompanied by a strong sense of place; Caleb tasted prairie winds and the rock-smell of an unfamiliar world, the warmth of lazing in a sun he had never stood under.

Certain that he had been heard, Caleb dragged himself uncertainly out of his trance. Reality fluttered around him; Caleb could feel it flexing, as if someone had shaken out a sheet and each fold held a different possibility, a different time, a different place. Then, before he had time to panic, it settled again, leaving him gasping in the dim light of the underlevels.

He sat down heavily on the steps.

After a moment he dug in his bag and came up with the jogan he had grabbed in the dining hall, which he ate slowly. One of the earliest things that younglings were taught was to eat or drink something after an intense meditation session, because it reminded them that while they might be the Force and full of light, they still had physical bodies. Caleb ate the jogan in small, neat bites, concentrating on its taste and how it felt in his mouth, and eventually got out of his datapad to read the database entry about Loth-wolves that he had gotten from the library computers. He had finished both and set the datapad aside so that he could wrap up the jogan pips to throw away later when he heard the soft click…click… of approaching claws on the marble floor.

He saw Rroshaal’s glowing eyes first, coming out of the darkness of the underlevels.

Caleb stood up to greet him, momentarily startled by how big Rroshaal was – he’d somehow forgotten. Rroshaal came up to him and ducked his head to nuzzle thoughtfully at Caleb’s hair, then licked Caleb’s face in a greeting.

“Hello!” Caleb said happily. “You came!”

Rroshaal licked his face again. He had been napping, he told Caleb; it was the middle of the day on his homeworld, and most of his people slept then. Caleb got the brief impression of windswept grasslands, too hot under the summer sun for Rroshaal to want to be out in.

“I didn’t mean to wake you up,” he said. “It’s dinner time here. I’ve got dinner,” he added. “If you want?”

Rroshaal made an inquisitive sound and lay down as Caleb dug in his bag for the pasties. He laid most of them down on the cloth for Rroshaal to sniff at, but kept two for himself, watching Rroshaal eat each one in two bites. Interesting, was his observation when he was finished.

“It’s ronto, I think,” Caleb said; he was only halfway through his first one by the time Rroshaal had finished. “Do you have rontos on your world? They’re saurians, they live on desert worlds mostly, and a lot of ranchers breed them for meat.” He pictured the holos he had seen; he hadn’t seen one in person yet.

Rroshaal’s response was in the negative. Hoppers, he replied to Caleb, along with a strong sense of a big four-legged mammal that moved by leaping from its hindmost feet; it used its front legs more like arms and Rroshaal had a strong, vivid memory of being punched in the nose by one during his last hunt. The memory was accompanied by a strong, gamey taste of raw meat that made Caleb blink, a little startled. Lopers. This seemed to encompass several different kinds of hooved herbivores, some of which were nearly as big as Rroshaal and some of which were much smaller. They moved in herds and ran fast, leaping across the grasslands when the pack hunted them. Horrible birds. These were flightless birds two or three times as tall as Caleb, taller than Rroshaal, with toothed beaks and talon-like feet; Rroshaal showed him the scars another Loth-wolf had from being attacked by one some years earlier, but added that they were tasty after you brought them down. Others. He got a flickering sense of what his instructors would have called “a healthy ecosystem,” and recognized a few species he had seen in holos before. Or relatives, anyway, but you saw convergent evolution on many worlds, and colony worlds especially.

Rroshaal sensed the thought and made a little whuff in the negative. Too much prey, he told Caleb. Horrible birds kill some, but only on one continent. Used to be more hunters. Caleb got a hazy impression of several kinds of big felines and avians; the haziness was because they were extinct and Rroshaal had never seen them himself, only through the passed-down memories of other members of his pack.

“Colonists killed them?” Caleb asked, remembering one of his classes. It happened a lot.

Rroshaal made an affirmative sound. Others, he said again, showing Caleb several animals he recognized.

“Those are nerfs,” Caleb said. “They’re all over the galaxy. People breed them for meat and fur. And the little saurians are nunas. They’re meat animals too. I can’t remember what the fluffy ones are, but I’ve seen holos of them before.”

Tasty, Rroshaal observed, licking his lips. Then he laid his chin down on his paws and added sadly, Not enough pups.

That reminded Caleb. “I read about you!” he said. “I looked you up in the library. You’re a Loth-wolf.”

Rroshaal flicked an ear, bemused by the name. The People, he said instead.

“I know, but most species call themselves something like that. I��m a human.”

Rroshaal raised his head and snuffled thoughtfully at Caleb’s knees for a moment before saying doubtfully, You’re People. You feel like People, even if you don’t smell like People.

Caleb put his hands out for Rroshaal to sniff, then lick clean of lingering crumbs. “I’m a Force-user – a Jedi. Maybe that’s it.”

Rroshaal whuffed again, dubious.

“You’re supposed to be extinct,” Caleb said, then hesitated, unsure if he had hurt Rroshaal’s feelings. Instead he just felt the Loth-wolf’s resigned weariness.

Not enough pups, he said again. It took Caleb a few moments to sort through the flurry of information that accompanied the words; Rroshaal had been the only pup in his pack to live more than a year in the last decade. Pups had been born dead or had gotten sick and died soon afterwards. He had heard that other packs were just as badly off.

Caleb said shyly, “We – the Jedi – are having problems too. I heard the crèche masters talking about it with Master Windu and Master Yoda once. There used to be thousands more Jedi than there are now – there are whole sections of the Temple that are shut up – and the cohorts keep getting smaller and smaller. Even two hundred years ago you’d have cohorts of dozens, but mine is only three people, and the ones after me are the same. About twenty or thirty years ago all of a sudden the Temple started getting large cohorts again – large by current standards – and that lasted for about twenty years before they suddenly started dropping off in size. The senior padawans now are from the last few large cohorts. The masters don’t know if not as many Force-sensitive younglings are being born or if they’re just not being found.”

Rroshaal made an inquisitive noise.

“I don’t know all of it,” Caleb admitted. “When babies are born in Republic medcenters, they’re required to have a lot of tests run, and one of those is for midichlorian count. That gets passed onto the Order if the parents consent, and if it’s high enough then someone – usually the Sector Watchman – will check on them regularly. Just because you have a high midichlorian count doesn’t mean you can be a Jedi, though, so the Watchmen have to keep checking, and of course if the families refuse then they won’t. Outside the medcenters it’s mostly just the will of the Force.” He stared longingly at Rroshaal’s soft-looking ears, wondering how rude it would be to ask Rroshaal if he could pet them. “I was born in the Temple.”

Rroshaal’s ears flicked forward, interested.

“It’s not usual,” Caleb admitted. “It happens once or twice a generation, but usually even if one or both parents is a Jedi then the baby won’t be strong enough to be one too. I was. That’s not rare, but it’s not common, either.” He shrugged in response to Rroshaal’s question. “I don’t know. It doesn’t really matter who they are. If I hadn’t been strong enough in the Force to be a Jedi I would have gone to one of their birth-families if they wanted.” He hesitated, then admitted, “I heard once that one of them is an old military family on Coruscant, but I don’t know if that’s true or not. And it doesn’t matter anyway since I’m a Jedi.”

People, Rroshaal insisted.

Caleb spread his hands for Rroshaal to see. “Not People, not like yours,” he said. Then he got the cake out of his bag and offered one piece to Rroshaal, who sniffed it with interest, then sneezed. “It’s spice cake,” he explained. “It’s my favorite.”

Rroshaal ate it out of his palm in several delicate bites, then lay licking his teeth thoughtfully as Caleb ate his own piece of spice cake. Good, he decided finally, then gave Caleb a grin, tongue lolling out of his mouth. Different.

He licked Caleb’s hands clean when Caleb held them out again, then flicked one ear back as if he had heard someone calling him. I have to go, he said regretfully. My mother wants me.

Caleb had the brief impression of a bigger version of Rroshaal, brown and with a scarred ear, whom Rroshaal regarded with occasionally frustrated adoration. He said wistfully, “Can I see you tomorrow?”

We’ll be away, Rroshaal said, and Caleb could tell that he genuinely regretted it. Embassy to another pack. He thought, then said, Nine days?

“How long are your days?” Caleb asked, then realized that Rroshaal probably didn’t count time in hours. “I’ll look it up.” He hesitated, then added, “Can I hug you?”

At the affirmative response, they both stood up, and Caleb carefully put his arms around as much of Rroshaal’s furry front as he could manage. He was just as soft as Caleb remembered from the previous day and smelled of clean fur and unknown winds, a little musky. Rroshaal tucked his muzzle down against Caleb’s back, then licked his face after Caleb released him. Caleb curved the backs of his knuckles against Rroshaal’s cheek, carefully stroking the short fur there, then giggled as Rroshaal rubbed his cheek against Caleb’s smooth one.

Soon, he promised, then, Bring more of the cake-thing.

“I will,” Caleb said.

Rroshaal licked his nose, then backed away. Caleb must have blinked, because one moment Rroshaal was there, then the next he had vanished into the shadows of the underlevels.

Caleb sighed regretfully and rubbed the back of his hand over his nose, the scooped up the discarded cloths and stuffed them into his bag. He had a lot of reading he wanted to do before he saw Rroshaal again.

#cut scenes and concept writing #caleb and the loth wolf tag #comics caleb is a tiny nerd #as always comments are appreciated #eta: yes I DO have a partially written concept for caleb's extended birth family; the forbidden backstory

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user-2-electric-boogaloo · 4 years ago

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A Comparison of RTD and Steven Moffat: Saving The Day

So for this analysis I’m going to compare when Moffat and RTD save the day well and when they save it poorly. There are a few bits of criteria I need to explain.

First I will only be including main series, no Torchwood, no spin-offs, and no mini episodes.

Second, I have to define what makes a good and a bad ending (my examples will come from episodes written by neither of them):

Bad endings include when the sonic saves the day (see The Power Of Three) (there are exceptions, see below), when a character spouts some useless technobabble that doesn’t make any scientific sense/when it doesn’t make logical sense in general, when the Doctor invents/presents a machine/equipment that miraculously stops the baddy and is never referred to again (see Journey To The Centre Of The TARDIS), and any other ending I deem to be bad (see The Vampires of Venice)

Good endings include when the sonice activates a device that has been well established to save the day, when technobabble is used that actually makes some scientific sense, and just generally when the baddy is destroyed in what I deem to be a creative manner that makes sense with all the things that had been set up in that episode (see The Unquiet Dead).

There will also be cases where there isn’t really a day to be saved, however this happens more often with Moffat.

Let us begin (obviously there will be spoilers but the last episode in the list aired nearly 4 years ago so what you doing with your life).

RTD:

Rose: Bad

What even is anti-plastic?! Like seriously, he’s faced the Autons loads of times and has never thought to use it any other time.

The End Of The World: Bad

The Doctor just goes up to the appearance of the repeated meme (ha meme) and rips its arm off. He then just summons Cassandra back by twisting a knob which apparently everyone can do if “you’re very clever like me”.

Aliens Of London/World War Three: Good

Just nuking them all was a bit dodgy but I’ll give it to him purely because it had been set up earlier in the episode and it is a genuine option that could have been taken.

The Long Game: Good

The heating issue was set up within 2 minutes of the episode starting. It’s always good to see the Doctor using his enemies weakness against them.

Boom Town: Good

Only just. It’s technology that hadn’t been showcased ever before and came out of nowhere, but I’m allowing purely because it was setting up The Parting Of The Ways.

Bad Wolf/The Parting Of The Ways: Good

See above. It was set up the story before so it works.

The Christmas Invasion: Bad

This was so close to being good. If RTD had just let the Sycorax leader be honourable then everything would have been fine. Instead he had to let him be dishonourable and then the Doctor through the Satsuma at a random button that for no apparent reason caused a bit of floor to fall away.

New Earth: Bad

It only makes sense if you think about it for less than 10 seconds as just pouring every cure to every disease ever into a giant tub and then spraying said supercure onto them all, then having them hug each other to pass it on. That is suspending my disbelief just a bit too far.

Tooth And Claw: Good

Everything is set up in the episode so I’ll allow it but I fail to see how Prince Albert had the time to ensure that the diamond was cut perfectly.

Love And Monsters: Bad

It’s Love And Monsters. Need I say more?

Army of Ghosts/Doomsday: Good

It was very clearly set up throughout the episode.

The Runaway Bride: Bad

I don’t like how a few bombs can supposedly drain the entire Thames.

Smith And Jones: Good

All the events were well established

Gridlock: Good

It’s a fairly bland way to save the day, just opening the surface to all the drivers. But how else could he have done it?

Utopia/The Sound Of Drums/Last Of The Time Lords: Bad

As much as I like the idea that he tuned himself into the archangel network, he basically turned into Jesus. It is arguably the least convincing ending in modern Doctor Who history.

Voyage Of The Damned: Bad

Why was he the next highest authority? If he’s the highest authority in the universe why didn’t they default to him in the first place? If not then why not default to Midshipman Frame? And if he’s somehow in between them then why? Also Astrid killed herself for no reason when she easily could have jumped out of the forklift.

Partners In Crime: Good

It works in the context of the episode, but I don’t see why they needed two of the necklace things.

Midnight: Good

It’s human nature, you can’t get more well set up than that.

Turn Left: Good

It works logically

The Stolen Earth/Journey’s End: Bad

Donna just spouts a load of technobabble whilst pressing buttons and then the Daleks are magically incapacitated.

The Next Doctor: Bad

Why do the infostamps sever Hartigan’s connection with the Cyberking? As far as I remember it ain’t explained.

Planet Of The Dead (co-written with noted transphobe Gareth Roberts): Good

A good couple scenes are dedicated on getting the anti-gravs set up.

The Waters Of Mars (co-written with Phil Ford): N/A

The day isn’t really saved cause everyone still dies anyway.

The End Of Time: Good

Using a gun to destroy a machine is much better than using the sonic to destroy it.

Summary for RTD:

Out of 24 stories written by him, I deem 10 to be bad endings with 1 abstaining. That’s 41.7% of his episodes (43.5% if we don’t count any abstaining).

Steven Moffat:

The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances: Good

You’ll see this a lot with Moffat, he knows how to explain things without stupefying levels of technobabble. “Emailing the upgrade” is a perfect example of this.

The Girl In The Fireplace: Good

Some basic logic, the androids want to repair their ship, but they can’t return to it, they no longer have a function so they shut down.

Blink: Good

Always loved this one, getting the angels to look at each other, however they do look at each other sometimes earlier in the episode.

Silence In The Library/Forest Of The Dead: Bad

This is more of a problem with the setup of the episode, I don’t like that he can negotiate with the Vashta Nerada. I’d rather see them comprehensively beaten, but I guess it’s good for the scare factor that they can’t be escaped from.

The Eleventh Hour: Good

He convinced the best scientists all around the world to set every clock to 0 all in less than an hour. In the Doctor’s own words “Who da man!”

The Beast Below: Good

The crying child motif pretty much ended up saving the day (well for the star whale, life went on as normal for pretty much everyone else).

The Time Of Angels/Flesh And Stone: Good

The artificial gravity had briefly been set up earlier so I’ll allow it.

The Pandorica Opens/The Big Bang: Good

Everything had been set up perfectly, the vortex manipulator, the Pandorica’s survival field thingy, the TARDIS exploding at every moment in history.

A Christmas Carol: Good

Literally the entire episode is the Doctor saving the day by convincing Kazran not to be a cock.

The Impossible Astronaut/Day Of The Moon: Good

The silence’s ability to influence people is their whole thing, so using it against them is a good Doctory thing to do.

A Good Man Goes To War: N/A

The day isn’t really saved, Melody is lost, but River shows up at the end so is all fine? I love the episode it’s just the day isn’t really truly saved (yes I know Amy was rescued but she still lost her baby).

Let’s Kill Hitler: N/A

There isn’t really a day to be saved. They all get out alive but no one is really saved other than maybe River but we all knew she was gonna live anyway.

The Wedding Of River Song: Good

Whilst opinion is divided on the episode, the ending still works. the Tesseracta was established in Let’s Kill Hitler, and the “touch River and time will move again” was established well in advance.

The Doctor, The Widow And The Wardrobe: Bad

I don’t like how the lifeboat travels through the time vortex for no reason but to rescue the dad. It don’t make no sense and I don’t think it’s explained

Asylum Of The Daleks: Good

Oswin had access to the Dalek hive mind so of course she should be able to link into the controls and blow everything up.

The Angels Take Manhattan: Good

Paradoxes really do be something powerful, and they even acknowledge how nobody knows if it’d work so I’ll let it slide.

The Snowmen: Bad

Lots of people cry at Christmas, why are the Latimers anything special?

The Bells of Saint John: Good

The whole episode is about hacking so why shouldn’t the Doctor be able to hack the spoonheads

The Name Of The Doctor: Good

It was the story arc for the season pretty much, so of course it was explained well in advance.

The Day Of The Doctor: Good

Both the storing Gallifrey like a painting and the making everyone forget if they’re Human or Zygon works in the context of the episode.

The Time Of The Doctor: Bad

Since when were the Time Lords so easily negotiated with?

Deep Breath: Good

I like the dilemma over whether the half-face man was pushed or jumped.

Into The Dalek: Good

It’s set up well with this new Doctor’s persona of actually not being too nice of a guy (at first).

Listen: N/A

There isn’t a day to be saved. It’s just 45 minutes of the Doctor testing a hypothesis and I low-key love it.

Time Heist (co-written with Steven Thompson): Good

It works logically so I’ll allow it however it isn’t very well set up at all.

The Caretaker (co-written with noted shithead Gareth Roberts): Good

The machine to tell the Blitzer what to do was set up well in advance so I’ll allow it.

Dark Water/Death In Heaven: Good

The fact that Danny still cares even as a cyberman is set up fairly early on after his transformation.

Last Christmas: Good

He does use the sonic to wake up Clara but he convinces the others to wake up through talking so I’ll allow it.

The Magician’s Apprentice/The Witch’s Familiar: Good

It’s set up well with that little scene from actually inside the sewers.

The Girl Who Died (co-written with Jamie Mathieson): Good

IDK why the vikings would randomly keep electric eels but they’re set up well so I’ll ignore it.

The Zygon Inversion (co-written with Peter Harness): N/A

Not including this one as it’s only the second part and I’d argue the ending is most likely Harness’.

Heaven Sent/Hell Bent: N/A

Again there isn’t really a day to be saved, yes Heaven Sent really is amazing but it’s only the first part and, being completely honest, he dies several billion times before finally getting through the wall.

The Husbands Of River Song: N/A

Again there isn’t really a day to be saved here.

The Return Of Doctor Mysterio: Good

He gets Grant to catch the bomb which is good. But he does just sonic the gun out of Dr Sim’s hand and says UNIT is on its way which just sort of wraps it up very quickly.

The Pilot: N/A

No day to be saved here.

Extremis: Good

You could technically call it the sonic saving the day, I consider it to be the Doctor emailing the Doctor to warn him of the future.

The Pyramid At The End Of The World: Good

The fire sanitising everything makes sense and it’s in character for Bill to love the Doctor enough to cure his blindness in return for the world

World Enough And Time/The Doctor Falls: Good

Yes it is the sonic just blowing the cybermen up, but it’s blowing them up with well established pipelines so I’ll allow it (also the story is amazing).

Twice Upon A Time: N/A

No day to be saved here. Just Doctors 1 and 12 getting angsty about regenerating.

Summary for Steven Moffat:

Out of 39 stories written by him, I deemed 4 to be bad with 7 abstaining. That’s 10.3% of his episodes (12.5% if we don’t count any abstaining).

Conclusions:

Moffat was much better at saving the day than RTD

Moffat liked telling stories where the day didn’t actually need to be saved

I’ve spent way too long on this and I need to sleep

If I spent as much time on this as my coursework I’d probably pass

If you’re still reading this, you probably need to get a life

#doctor who #steven moffat #rtd #in case you can't tell I really don't like RTD #Remember the Superwholock days when everyone ripped the shit out of Moffat #what am I doing with my life #tardis #rose tyler #martha jones #donna noble #amy pond #rory pond #rory williams #river song #clara oswald #Bill Potts

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indieks · 6 years ago

Text

Two Nights, One Da(y)te 🌒 Lee Jooheon | ½

🔥 Pairing : Lee Jooheon x Reader

🔥 Genre : Soulmate!AU, Angst, Fluff, Suggestive (light)

🔥 Word count : 24k omg

🔥 Synopsis : He should have been just another Tinder match you would have swiped off your life just like you swiped your thumb on your screen that night, hadn’t it been for the deep connection that bonds you to him. He is your soulmate, you are a girl he can’t help but get attracted to. You are seeking for the perfect relationship, he is trying to stay away from love. Would the few times you come across each other be enough for your opposite hearts to face the same direction?

Part 1 /\ Part 1.5 /\ Part 2

🔥 A/N : Aaaand here is Part 1! Took a longer time to write than I thought, but I think I was especially hard on myself as some real-life events are involved, so it was difficult to be satisfied ! And what a good idea to have chosen my ultimate bias to make the task even harder…

I encountered a few problems while uploading this part yesterday (seems like it didn’t appear on my page nor in the hashtags), so here am I deleting and reuploading it... Hope you can read it without any difficulties!

I hope you’ll enjoy this, thank you so much in advance and I love every single one of you who brings me joy just by ever reading it! Every comment, good or bad, is always welcomed, I love your feedback! ♥

“Your fate is in your hands”, they say.

A common, popular phrase that had turned into some kind of trendy expression slipping through countless of mouths all around the world, and meant to be a blessing when it was pronounced along with that dreamy smile only them could have. But to your ears, it sounded like a curse every time someone would dare to throw it at you, tarnishing the river of care and kindness their enamored selves wished to bid you goodbye with.

They said you could feel a burning sensation in the palm of your left hand, as if lava had taken the place of your blood, the moment you came across him or her for the first time, your fleshes having accidentally brushed each other, or your eyes having met even in the middle of a packed crowd.

They talked about how they had been consumed in some kind of bliss for a split-second, feeling shivers covering their bodies as a hot wave had crashed over them, the fire within their hand eating them at once ; feeling numb but so alive at the same time ; feeling butterflies flap their wings inside the pit of their stomachs while their hearts had skipped a long beat ; feeling desired and desiring with a hunger they weren’t able to put into words.

They insisted that it definitely felt different from having a crush on someone or falling in love purely and simply, or from trying something with someone that was only “compatible” with you. Because they affirmed that in the end, if you both would get along together and share happy moments, he or she would never be the one, the ideal, the best for you.

Some called them the “Crossed-Liners”, while others summed it in the simpler yet inexact term “Soulmates”. According to some rule from above, every single being on this Earth had an ideal type they would perfectly match with, a destined partner that suited you in every single way. Depending on parameters that were still left unexplained, there was then one boy or girl who was meant for you and you only, to fit everything that was lacking in your life, a peculiar human breathing the same air, treading the same ground as you, hiding somewhere.

However, that crossed-line thing had seemingly decided to impact one’s love life to its fullest, as not only it picked a precise somebody for you and determined that your fate would be linked to him or her ; it also gauged your chances of finding happiness with somebody else than your “ideal”, if you ever chose to believe in your own personal feelings instead of what was outstripping you.

The sign was simple yet mystifying, because its meaning was so powerful that it always made people weak in the knees every time it appeared. When you happened to encounter the ideal one, your life-line in the palm of your hand would lighten up in a bright red color ; but when you only came across someone that could fit you in some way but not all the criteria for him or her to bring the overjoy and transporting sensations your soulmate would, your heart-line was the one to sparkle this time.

In other words : the prophecy was definitely telling you that choosing your soulmate was the best choice you could ever make, as your whole life was linked to him ; however, if you ever turned to a compatible person, it was due to a choice of your heart, yes, but probably not the best for your destiny that could always be brighter.

Thus, as every soulmate was defined by an individual’s characteristics, people weren’t necessarily their ideal’s own one and only, even if they were at least compatible with them. This law’s double faucet was then revealing of one’s true nature : either they would sacrifice their quest of finding the one for them because they were the one for someone else and felt something special for them anyway ; either he or she would leave to seek their own perfect happiness, a selfishness that could be as understandable as disgusting.

You couldn’t quite depict if you were supposed to see the prophecy as some kind of super-dating-agency, helping the desperate people who weren’t as lucky as the fate-linked couples who had found each other, by still letting them know that a few guys or girls out there would be good enough for them even if they weren’t the right partner ; or, if you had to admit that those lost lovers were probably getting laughed at by the alternative, as if they were trying to write their own fate and pursue their genuine feelings, they couldn’t help but get reminded that they would never know the ecstatic moments the lucky ones would have, by having a greater probability of breaking up, by watching television going crazy about it, by hearing the soulmate’s stories that somehow dimmed the magic of their own which were simpler, but still special to them.

You were one of those “not caring” individuals ; well, most exactly, wounded and tired of individuals. The reason was that, since a while ago, you definitely felt like you had been cursed by the laws of nature, as if they had complotted against you and struck you with a thunderbolt of misfortune on the day you were born.

In that calculated world every being was growing, looked over by a favoring sky and with flowers spreading under their feet as they walked towards their bright future, hand in hand with their significant other, your little part of universe had always managed to seem gloomy and slippery, at least every time you stepped into a relationship.

You had hooked up with a few guys without ever getting to see your life-line shine and burn you with pleasure and pain, only your heart-line shimmering weakly, telling you your future with this one or that one would probably be great, yet not more astonishing than any other. Still, you had chosen not to care, and to love to the fullest, trusting the power of feelings more than any supernatural force up there.

Nevertheless, you got caught up by your sincerity and your devotion, as all your exes trampled over your bloody organ, would it be because you had just been the temporary consolation they had been needing before throwing themselves into the quest once again, or because they couldn’t reflect the intensity of your feelings, using the excuse that the compatibility was not enough to cut through the life course, which had then whispered to them to part ways at some point.

All those small adventures and heartbreaks had pushed your lonely steps down the path of the “not-caring-anymore” girl, your attention centered on your personal development and the everyday pleasures of life ; yet deep down you knew, that you still were strongly – or desperately – waiting for your ideal to show up, as deception after deception, you were starting to lose your faith in love, and were getting worn out.

But as you were finding your way back home after a night-out with your colleagues, your lips were finally wearing that famous dreamy smile ; because you just had been proven that everything’s worth the wait.

Maybe your fate is in your hands, Y/N.

�� * * *

It was another one of those evenings where you had all been supposed to just drink a little something at some nice little bar in hopes to soothe your tiring day at work, but after one glass had come another, then numerous ones. And as usual, when your cheeks started to burn like some pinkish and crackling ember, you came to the fantastic decision to stumble down the streets together instead of going home, again. Finally, after a few minutes of wandering without any specific direction guiding your cloudy minds, you “accidentally” ended up queuing for then dancing in a random club – again.

This scheme had almost become a bad habit, even if the next day you kept telling yourselves, as you all met to empty the coffee machine so that its black and energizing liquid would help scatter your hangover and your sleepiness, that there would be no next time.

However, as any profession must involve in its own way and degree, you often felt stressed from the moment you landed your feet in the company, your brains already fuming as you had to keep on finding exciting and original ideas to satisfy your boss and clients ; and somehow, at some point, cocktails and loud music had become the finger-snap to lighten the weight on your shoulders.

The company you were working for was one of the best events’ organizer in the city, solicited every single month to settle private parties, workshops, festivals, exhibitions, new products’ launchings for famous brands, and other big events that needed imaginative activities as well as fancy places to be remembered.

And you, were one of the creatives of the team. Majoring in special event management and communication, you always had had an artistic feeling springing inside of you and that helped you developing settings in your mind that were later praised in real life as you let them out. This 6-month long internship you had signed for was then the very last step before you could say goodbye to your student life, and finally live of your passion.

You were only at the half of it, but the unceasing flow of ideas you were pouring at every meeting after having worked on them even at nighttime once you were back home, had seized the attention and gained the trust of your Project Manager, who had then decided to hand you the full creation of the next event your team would be asked for.

And this very demand had arrived sooner than you had expected, as in late October, you received the great honor to be the event organizer for the National Federation of Football. They requested you to prepare a fancy and chic venue for the players from the most famous men’s clubs around the country that were going to come, in order to celebrate together the new sponsorships they would be the representatives of, was it sneakers, new teams’ shirt’s designs, or new products for their hair so that they would be at their most handsome selves on the field.

Some top brands’ directors or representatives were also going to show up, and you immediately had imagined all the paparazzi, tailored suits and resplendent dresses that you were going to watch parade under your two eyes, while you would be busy checking if everyone was eating and drinking well but also enjoying the few activities you would have prepared.

And surprisingly, despite the consequent amount of pressure and stress that had loaded on your shoulders the second your manager had passed you the direction of this huge project, you had been able to picture every single thing the gala would be composed of, from the arrangement of the buffet, to the photo corner, to the musicians, to the decorations, and thankfully, all your teammates had followed your ideas and instructions unflinchingly, nearly being the most enthusiastic you had known them.

That’s why you had been out drinking with your internship peers and closest managers at first, to celebrate the very last preparations and fixings of the remaining details you had finished during the day, the event actually taking place in less than 24 hours from now.

“I really do think that barman’s been looking at you all night long” one of your friends, Jiwoo, insisted as you walked out of the club, your hurting heels clinking against the pavement.

“Nooooo, he wasn’t” you denied with your eyes leaving your phone’s screen to roll up and a sigh flying over your voice.

“What do you mean “he wasn’t”?! You told me your hand was shining! He’s your ideal, you fool!”

The word gave you the chills as the curve of your lips curled up into a smile, but you quickly ushered her to be quiet. Your eyes did meet, your left hand did burn, but your mind refused to admit it as it was too good to be true.

“I’m sure he would have been happy to celebrate with you tonight, moaning CONGRATS BEAUTYYYY!” she still growled, and you nudged her this time with a chuckle. “You know that having sex with your ideal goes beyond ecstasy, like seeing stars behind your eyelids is nothing compared to that?”

“CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR FIRST EVENT Y/NNNN!” a male colleague shouted at the back as he had overheard a few words of your discussion, thankfully not the grosser ones that made you clench your hand over your friend’s mouth who was now laughing.

You were exhausted, your legs almost giving up on you, yet that was hinting at the great night you had just spent with them. But mostly, you knew that your whole body felt like jelly because you had finally been struck with that intense and crippling sensation people had been gossiping about.

A few moments before.

You were sitting at the table your colleagues had paid for, dividing the price between them as they excluded you – their reward for your hard work. Your eyes were scanning the crowd of sweating bodies, most of the girls wearing the fanciest outfits you had seen in your life, and boys trying to follow the rhythm with their heads, their hands busy holding their cups or grasped around each other’s shoulders – or their prey’s ones.

And suddenly, like a brilliant but lost star in the middle of that deep and somber galaxy the club impersonated as its darkness absorbed the dancing forms around you, he shined, his light piercing its way through your field of view, making you see him and him only. He was standing behind the bar facing you on the right, his brows furrowed as he worked on some cocktail someone had just asked him by screaming over the loud music. Your eyes had accidentally met for a split-second, but it had been enough to cast the spell on you.

Instinctively, you stood up to have a better sight of his traits, and without permission being asked, your feet transported you through the mass on the dancefloor, and closer to him. It was as if you were being dragged towards his silhouette by some uncontrollable force, totally hypnotized, your body as light and swift as a feather slipping between people without any difficulty, and the more you were approaching the bar, the less you could hear anything else but his nosy voice that repeatedly asked : “What do you drink?”

Your heartbeat missed that famous long beat, while you hissed instead of breathing in normally. You probably looked like some kind of drunk girl with her mind having been sucked up into some kind of black hole, as you stood there, only a few meters away from him, eyes wide open and tinted lips a little bit agape. Was it true? Was this really happening to you?

You lowered your head so that you could finally look for it, the very sign that could confirm you he indeed was doing something to you that depended on the law above you, or instead would tell you by its eventual non-existence that you were just way too drunk by now and that you were only crushing really really bad over some random guy.

No, it couldn’t be, you definitely felt different, but not the alcoholic-type of different ; you were attracted to him to the point you were already craving for his plump lips on yours, to the point you felt tears of joy breaming at the crease of your eyelids out of nowhere, to the point you were desperate to catch his attention just for a split second, this despair then gluing your two feet into your spot.

Your pupils fell down on your fist that had clenched under the tension your body was being put through, and you could already see the reddish tint your fingers were lightened by as beneath them, was indeed hiding your shining life-line you uncovered with a smile while you got submerged by a wave of delight. That barman, right over there, was the one for you. Where had he been all this time? Why was he showing up just now? How could he be so close when you had looked for him for so long? Were all those nights you had spent crying over your loneliness and the ache of your heart going to come to an end?

You couldn’t believe it, yet your body was already responding to your relief and excitement. The palm of your left hand had started to burn intensely the second your eyes landed on the mark, and you were fanning your face with the right one, as it felt like you were going under a high fever. Your eyelids that had been heavy from all the glasses you had clinked and drank with your friends before, suddenly became lighter and never ceased to humidify your sparkling eyes as you blinked again and again to ensure you hadn’t fallen into dreamland. After a short while and an internal ment you did to yourself to remain sane, you finally leveled your pupils up to land them back on the very cause of your world’s upheaval.

You could see him clearly this time, your vision narrowed down at him. It was as if his active figure was detoured by a blurry yet powerful aura that encompassed only the two of you, drawing an invisible breach in this world from you to him. You amazingly could remark all the details you would never have in your daily life, had he been some random guy you would’ve seen at one of the cafés you liked – but he wasn’t.

His hair was dyed into a deep orange color, close to red, the locks separated messily on either side of his forehead and that your fingers were craving to fumble themselves into, so they’d feel their softness. He had small but sharp eyes that first shot piercing gazes towards the clients, before they would lighten up then almost disappear as he granted them a smile once he’d have heard their command. His nose had a perfect line, angle and proportions, as if it had been drawn with a ruler, in the middle of his slightly chubby face that still showcased a keen jawline.

Finally, his lips… You couldn’t prevent yourself from watching them the most, as they were quite filled, with a heart shape and a rosy tint the spot enlightening his head helped you to die before. When he smiled, you were thrilled to discover his white and aligned dentition ; then, the wideness his lips reached crumpled your weakened heart as it gave him an adorable yet seducing expression you probably would have fallen for even if he hadn’t been your ideal one.

You could only see his body up to his bust from behind the counter, covered by a short-sleeved deep green and white striped shirt which buttons were opened enough for you to spot his collarbones from time to time, when he grabbed glasses or bottles to concoct another delicious potion.

Every move he made was like slow-mowed, for you to see each ripple of it, each muscle he solicited, each expression that dwelled his traits. It was as if you could see through anything that could obstruct your sight of him who still shined brightly in the middle of spotlights and people. You were spellbound by this man and you were perfectly aware of it, yet there was no wish for freedom that knocked against your head walls : just the one to catch his eye, even if something inside you feared that it would probably consume you.

He was indeed your ideal type if you had been asked to describe the perfect looks for a man, his body not too thin yet not too thick with muscles, with his forearms’ veins popping out as he was holding the shaker into his large hands that had long and ringed fingers, and not to mention his facial features that gave you the chills just by looking at them.

“What are you doing, planted here Y/N? I’ve been looking for you” Jiwoo asked you suddenly and got you out of your trance as you jumped in scare.

Then, without letting you the time to explain yourself – as if you could brace yourself to come up with an explanation when you were completely knocked out… – the blonde girl’s hands grasped your left one that was still up in the air for you to contemplate it.

“Why were you looking at that? Oh my- Don’t tell me?! The look on your face says it all! You can see the mark, right?! Tell me that you’re seeing it!”

You were too flustered to answer with words, but you automatically nodded while looking back at her with cloudy eyes ; and even her high-pitched shouts didn’t shake you out of your trance.

“OH MY GOSH Y/N! OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH YOUR SOULMATE IS HERE! WHERE IS HE?! THAT’S INCREDIBLE! WHERE IS HEEEE?!” she kept on exclaiming as she swung your arm from the left to the right, and the smile she was wearing brought yours out along with a speeding beating of your heart.

You felt close enough to Jiwoo after all these months to tell her, but before you did, you made her promise not to spread the news to the others, as you wished to keep your love life quiet and personal until it would be stable enough for you to answer a few of their questions without feeling embarrassed ; they were still colleagues from work before friends.

“It’s… That kinda pumpkin-haired guy over there? The barman, you see?” you finally managed to mumble.

Jiwoo’s eyelids creased as she searched for the target meticulously, then abruptly, her mouth fell open as her grip on your hand tightened.

“Jesus fucking Christ, he is GORGEOUS! You lucky girl” she whined as soon as she spotted him talking to his co-worker with a serious face on.

Then, unexpectedly, she pulled you into a tight hug and jumped on the spot with you still in her warm embrace, and you held her back even if you were out of it.

“Then my question remains the same : what the hell are you doing standing here?!”

Out of nowhere, your insecurities about love and yourself replaced the warmth Jiwoo had welcomed you in and you stepped back, nibbling at your lower lip nervously.

“I can’t… I don’t even know if I’m his ideal too… I mean he hasn’t even spotted me yet, I don’t think-“

“Well, go find out, c’mon! And even if he’s not, he’s at least compatible and I’m sure he’ll like you! Go or I’m telling the group!” she dared to defy you, and you scoffed at her blackmail before she pushed your reluctant body towards the bar ; and once you were close enough to her liking, she disappeared as quickly as she had popped out next to you.

Only a few steps were separating you from him – well technically also a counter–, and you felt like your soul might escape your shuddering corpse as you finally found the courage to walk to him, going past the thirsty people shouting their orders. You managed to post yourself on his right, your elbows finding their place among the empty glasses displayed on the bar. Quickly though, as you winced at the pain that had multiplied now that you were the closer you could be to him for now, you hid your left hand on your lap as you feared that you could scare him if he ever came to know who he was for you, if you weren’t the same for him.

The man had his back facing you, yet when he turned around and finally landed his beautiful eyes on your silhouette, he took your breath away for the umpteenth time in less than ten minutes since you had found him. Your life-line suddenly started to itch, and the pain turned into a pleasuring sensation you hadn’t felt before, one that raised all the hair up your left arm. And finally, you heard his famous phrase but this time directed at you, as well as his attention, the situation enclosing you into a state of shock and ecstasy :

“What do you drink, miss?”

However, some strings pulled at your overworked heart as you dared to bore your eyes into his, to see he was far from flustered as he was searching your face, waiting for your answer.

I’m not the one.

Or else his expression would have changed, or else he would have been as appalled as me, or else he would look at me with lust, as everybody said.

That man was your destined lover, but you were just a compatible woman to him, and you swallowed back a sarcastic chuckle as you realized that your curse would definitely never leave you ; because even when you were facing someone that had been made especially for you, someone you could love and give to without holding back, it wasn’t that simple.

Don’t get defeated, Y/N. He is at least compatible. Jiwoo is right, he might like you, you tried to cheer yourself up, and you could thank the alcohol for quickly fading your rational worries. You straightened your back before darting your best smile at him.

“Surprise me”, you blurted out in a calm tone.

Oh wow. Where did that confidence come from? Was it due to the bond you had with him, giving you wings?

You were glad to be rewarded for your boldness as his brows perked up in surprise quickly, before it was his turn to break into a confident smirk.

“You don’t have to say it twice.”

Hadn’t it been for the uncontrolled and overpowering need to get to him that perfected your actions and reactions, you would have let out an inappropriate mewl hearing those sturdy words come out of his mouth and at the sight of his dimples you hadn’t spotted earlier. Still, you only placed your chin in the palm of your right hand, watching him get on with his job. Your battling lashes guided your vision towards his face so close to yours, his skin bright and without any imperfection, his hair falling before his squinted eyes, his lower lip he had trapped between his teeth as he pondered over his options. He was shining.

“Okay, let’s go with this one.”

He turned his back on you once again, and as he was about to grab a syrup bottle from the shelf, he halted his movements as some shimmering light attracted his pupils, coming from his own left hand. He then looked back at your standing figure over his shoulder and almost let out a gasp as he saw that you had been observing him all the while. He then decided to act as if nothing had happened, despite his heart-line having turned into a bright red color and creating sweat into his palm.

He hadn’t even noticed it before, still the first thought that had come to his mind the moment his stare had ghosted over your lovely traits, had been that you were the prettiest girl he had seen tonight, if not since quite a while. And then, he had thought you looked familiar, without being able to point out where he could have seen you, but once you had spoken up, he had been absorbed by your mischievous eyes and let go of his memory track.

Anyway, were you aware of that little link that bonded the two of you, too? Did that apparition behind the counter rhymed with you making a move on him?

He suddenly felt glad that a dazzling girl like you was at least compatible with him, boosting his confidence as he mixed some fluids together with swift and diligent moves, and in no time, he was back to you to finish his cocktail with one of the bottles arranged right on the spot under your arm.

“There you go, that makes 7,500 won” he breathed out with a smile before gazing at you expectantly as you brought the glass to your red-tinted lips, doing your best not to show how flustered you were to be trapped under his stare.

The flavor was a bit sour, but the strength of fruits balanced it well, and it made you hum in satisfaction as you settled the recipient back on the counter.

“Mission accomplished, thank you” you laughed lightly while placing the exact amount of money on the counter, and he quickly grabbed it.

“My pleasure.” he answered in a low tone that struck you to the core, the sudden deepness of his voice echoing against your eardrums and sending vibrations down to the pit of your stomach.

Everything he said or did stimulated all your senses to an extent that was beyond imagination, as if your sight, your scent, your hearing and even the taste of the cocktail were impregnated with a bit of him, so that you couldn’t get enough of his presence, of his eyes and attention on you, of his smile. Time was going by slowly, but it still felt too fast for your liking as you wished this moment would never come to an end, as you searched for something to throw as bait at him, to keep in touch, to ensure a next encounter.

Unexpectedly, he bit his lip another time while eyeing you up and down, and you could swear you felt like your heart had jumped up to your throat, ready to surrender itself to him whose two eyes kept you frozen into your spot, unable to return back to your friends, to your life as a project director, to your life without him in front of you. It seemed like he had been about to say something because his mouth opened slightly, a single syllable falling into the depths of the unknown as he got interrupted.

“I-”

“Excuse me! Please! Over here!”

“Oh yeah yeah!” the man answered, his eyes not leaving yours, before he nodded his head in acknowledgement while mouthing a goodbye to you, and turned to the person next to you, well more exactly, the group that was waiting for him.

What was that…?

You had to leave, because you had no excuse to stay any longer. The overexcitement was slowly slipping out of your body as he had already moved on from you, his smile now destined for other girls, while you could have stared and smiled at him all night long, behind this counter, without thinking nor blinking.

However, you needed to step down from your fantasy as soon as you could because, remember, you were just another girl he could date, not more. Maybe tomorrow he would have forgotten about you, while you would still be dreaming of him and the infinity of emotions he just had put you through. Or worse, maybe he already had found his own ideal, maybe he wasn’t single, maybe…

You didn’t know anything, his name, his whereabouts, his likings ; you ignored everything about him, but it felt like you had been crushing on him for months, as if you were about to fall deeply in love with him. So that’s what they were talking about.

You eyed him one last time before grabbing your glass, a melancholic smile disguising your lips as you accepted your curse and let your defeated state take the best of you, simply thanking the law for giving you the chance to feel what they felt, even if it had been for a short time. And that’s how you missed the interested look he addressed you as you turned your back on him, not giving him a chance to take his “goodbye” back, especially by telling you this exact phrase he had been about to : “I’m Jooheon, by the way.”

Because damn, you interested him. Where had he seen you?

End of flashback.

You had hoped he had been looking at you after that ; now, you knew he had, with Jiwoo confirming it to you, with your colleagues having chanted it to you during the rest of the night, with the red light in your hand having scorched your skin from time to time as you had been dancing languorously, leading you to the conclusion that you might have grasped his attention in the end. But every time the liquor thickening your blood vessels had given you confidence to shoot him some glances over the crowd, your pupils had never met, setting trouble into your guesses.

Nevertheless, before you could decide to find the guts to go back to him and confront him in any manner possible – even though you would have looked like a fool – your friends had wanted to leave, tiredness and drunkenness calling them out. And here you were, walking to the nearest night-bus stop with Jiwoo and the rest of your team, a small smile still disguising your lips as images of him were rattling into your head.

Maybe your fate is in your hands, Y/N. Maybe he was interested in you too.

And as if this expression had finally turned into a blessing to counter the curse you thought had been towering you all these years, your hand – well more exactly thumb – indeed opened another door towards your fate that night.

* * *

Swipe left. Swipe left. Nope. Nope. No… Like?

You were having a hard time sleeping, the mesmerizing face of your unknown “soulmate” preventing you from finding peace as you felt on fire just at the thought of him, so you were trying to distract yourself from him by making your usual visit on Tinder, swiping all the guys to the left, just having fun looking at their pictures and ridiculous descriptions. Until your thumb came to a halt before the umpteenth profile you faced, making you sit straight in your bed despite your head that was turning as your brain was half-soaked with alcohol, and you dropped the device on your sheets.

Jooheon. His name was Jooheon.

Just under your two eyes, laid a picture showcasing him with white locks maintained by a headband, his side profile with a solemn expression giving you as much butterflies as his front figure had earlier, and you muffled a cry of happiness under your fingers. The second and only other picture was probably a more recent one, of him with his hair in a lighter orange color and his face lightened by the big smile you had seen him grant earlier. How come hazard could be so good to you in just a night?

Without any hesitation, you quickly “liked” his profile which description said : “Here to talk and pass the time, I guess I’m bored”. And you surprisingly saw the usual display appear instantly on your crackled phone’s screen, the three words feeling almost as precious as the famous three-word-eight-letters you wished to hear again sometime : “It’s a match!”

“This can’t be…” you whispered to yourself as you crashed your back down against your mattress, before kicking your blankets out of excitement.

It felt as if the planets were perfectly aligned, as if that evening could make-up for all those past years of losing faith in love, as if the curse was finally broken. You knew you shouldn’t let yourself get eaten by too much hope as you were pretty sure you weren’t his soulmate, meaning he wasn’t wanting you as much as you wanted him as of now, meaning you might not be on the receiving end this time as well, but still, some kind of euphoria sparkled in you, something you couldn’t canalize.

Jooheon [03:46 a.m.] : I knew I had seen you somewhere. It was here

Time stopped again. He had seen you on the application before your first encounter earlier?!

You [03:46 a.m.] : Seriously? Wow, what a weird coincidence

Jooheon [03:46 a.m.] : I know right

Jooheon [03:46 a.m.] : So, tell me something funny about you, I had a pretty long day

You [03:47 a.m.] : I can imagine that haha. Well… My manager tried to hit on me tonight and I wanted to die out of embarrassment, Idk how I’m going to face him tomorrow honestly

Jooheon [03:47 a.m.] : I saw that. Quite drunk that guy. Something else?

His direct and brief way of talking was taking you aback as much as it made your toes curl out of anticipation. You definitely couldn’t believe you were actually talking to your soulmate on the same night you had found him. Was it the magic of the rule operating?

You [03:48 a.m.] : So you really were looking at me, my friends kept on making fun of me because of that

Where was that boldness coming from again?!

Jooheon [03:48 a.m.] : That means they were looking at me too, don’t you think? Who’s interested in who in the end

“Interested”…? Every single word he employed kept you on your toes, your breathing becoming uneasy every little time you had to wait for his answer.

You [03:48 a.m.] : You have a point. Why don’t you tell me something about you? I’m having a hard time thinking of what to say that would be interesting.

In other words : you were too flustered and there had been too many cocktails for you to be thinking straight right now. You suddenly felt the urge to get up and walk to release the electric shocks that tickled your body. You then opted for sitting beside your bedroom’s window you opened to feel the cool air of an autumn night, as the heat under your cheeks was giving you that sensation of a fever all over again. Was it the alcohol, or was it him, even from far away?

Jooheon [03:49 a.m.] : I love dumplings. I’d choose dumplings over everything else. Dumplings are my reason to live honestly. I’m actually eating some right now.

Jooheon [03:49 a.m.] : And

Jooheon [03:51 a.m.] : I prefer nighttime over daytime. I love how everything seems to have another image, more mystic, more intriguing, more magical with the streetlights on. I can’t live without music. I never go out without my earplugs. If I do, I just go back to pick them up, even if that means being late at work. I write some rap lyrics when I need to let my thoughts out. So yeah my favorite type of music is rap, but I love ballads too. I read manga, sometimes even their previews not yet translated. Idk yet if I prefer countryside or Seoul. I’m interested in fashion, but sometimes I feel like my wardrobe sucks because I change styles often. I like to talk as much as I like to listen, and I hate it when people don’t listen to each other. I tend to understand people quite easily. Except when they get drunk like shit. I think too much, and pretty much all the time. I love football even if it hates me. I fucking love beer. I’ve only worn one fragrance in my life, and I’ll never change, I guess. I don’t have tons of friends, just six “brothers”. I’d like to travel and go far away, soon. Maybe Australia, I don’t know. I get pissed quite easily. I’m too nice. I think my favorite skinship is kisses. I love to sleep, but I have a hard time falling asleep most of the time.

Jooheon [03:51 a.m.] : that didn’t make sense, sorry, just got everything out of my head. Was supposed to stop at dumplings, but this conversation turned into my rap memo tonight haha

You read, reread, and read again those numerous lines that decorated your phone’s screen, your lips smiling on their own as you felt thrilled to be receiving that much information, all those details that were about his daily life just as you had wished to ask for. All those facts that seemed to be evident about him now that you possessed them, as if you had known him for years. All those little things that planted another set of needles poisoned with some attraction for him in your heart.

You [03:54] : I would’ve never found that many fun things to say about me

Jooheon [03:54] : that’s easy though, just answer “me too” or “not me” back to everything I said as a starter

You [03:55] : but rn honestly I’d rather ask “why” for each one of them

Jooheon [03:55] : that would be TMI. C’mon, maybe we have some things in common, and I asked for it first so let’s be fair

He was keeping the conversation on, something you could’ve never asked for. And that’s how you told him a bit about you, your character, fun stories about your job, your favorite food, your last travel destination, the things you liked and disliked about people ; random but somehow intimate facts he surprisingly shared or acknowledged most of the time.

It was too late to go back to your “not-caring-anymore” resolution, you were trapped into the soulmate machine that had eaten all of you, that had manufactured you so that you’d be just as the law wished you to : fond of your ideal one.

* * *

He hated waking up above everything else in life. Because every time his mind slowly reconnected with reality and acknowledged the start of another day, he immediately felt crushed by that hole in his chest, before he even opened his eyes or moved. That familiar yet still depressing emptiness, that melancholic sensation which had tarnished his heart, infiltrated the blood in his veins and lodged under the cells of his skin ; that had dug its way towards the entirety of his body.

Every single morning since their break up, Jooheon was reminded of how lifeless she had left him, how wounded he had been because of another human being, how shitty he had to feel about himself for having let his own life be engulfed by gloominess day after day ; but he couldn’t bring himself out of it.

At first, it had been as if he had dragged his body here and there, keeping on with life soullessly, as a witness of the time and moments that passed by before his two eyes, without him sincerely enjoying anything. Still, his six childhood friends, whom he called his brothers as their bond was the strongest the only child he was could have asked for, had repeatedly tried to brighten his sky and shake him out of his sadness.

They kept on telling him that love was all about opportunities : relationships would come and go, until you’d settle with someone simply sharing the same feelings as you, not someone who supposedly fitted your idealistic vision of love. There was nothing that could beat the sincerity of the heart, they said. She might have filled all the criteria he looked for in a woman, she might have brought him a happiness way more intense than the regular one, but another girl who’ll truly love and cherish him would bring him her lot of dazzling sensations, they ensured.

“True love equals soulmates” Kihyun had told him, and it had been the most compelling sermon Jooheon had heard, as it had lingered in his mind for quite a while.

“If she left, it means she wasn’t truly made for you because she wasn’t able to love you and appreciate you, not because you don’t deserve to be loved. The rule might have showed you the girl of your dreams, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that this dream needs to be your reality Jooheon-ah” Hoseok had lectured him a few weeks after the painful separation, when the reddish-haired man had been consoling himself into many bottles of beer.

They argued that love was all about its duality, mixing happiness and sorrow ; joyful moments and heartbreaks ; one individual and another but with two different conceptions of the word “relationship” and “love” they had to mingle together in order to find their own definition, implying an everyday work and fight ; two mass of cells that couldn’t just rely on the fact that they somehow statistically and scientifically could fit.

They took the heart-line variable as an example, or even his own case of one-way soulmate, and if Jooheon had listened to them, if he had started to believe in their words, if deep down he knew they were the ones of truth, there was always that time of the day, as it was dark outside and he was alone in his room with nothing else but his thoughts to keep him company, when he ended up taking a thousand of steps backwards, right where she had left him – hopeless.

However, at one point, a part of him had come to find satisfaction in his blues, and he had learned to smile truthfully again. Indeed, he had come to the simple resolution of not taking the risk to get himself hurt, by never involving his feelings ever again when it came to girls ; and then, by locking himself up in his fear, he had sought comfort in smiling at the smallest things in life as they mostly didn’t deal with love, and he had finally felt human, again.

Well, his insomnia and the painful awakening were always there to remind him that his laid-back attitude was only a mask ; but that daily rollercoaster had turned into a bearable one, thanks to his detached spirit he was hiding himself behind every day.

But this morning had been more aching than usual, as he had dreamt of her. Of her big bright eyes searching his, of her resplendent smile shining upon him, of her gracious hands that hadn’t touched him in his imaginary world. She had been out of his reach, just for him to contemplate. It had been seven long months since they had parted ways, so Jooheon wasn’t sure if those dreams of her meant that he still had feelings for her, or just that he was supposed to be impregnated of her for the rest of his life thanks to that fucking rule.

He had first met her one year and a half ago, through a friend-of-friend’s birthday party he had been invited to and so had her, coincidentally. And just like you, he had tumbled into some kind of ecstasy the second his eyes had dropped on her, at the back of the living room, laughing and talking with two other girls. He knew no one except the host and the friend who had brought him along with him not to feel lonely, so he had had to stay with him, when he had craved to walk to her.

Finally, he had found the time breach to slip away and the courage the go to her as she had been sipping on her soft drink alone, and, just like you, his words and actions had come naturally and easily. They had engaged a long and cheerful conversation, becoming slightly touchy with each other, making Jooheon’s flesh consume in desire every time she had landed her small fingers on his body.

“It’s amazing, it seems like you have the answer to all my questions!” she had brightly exclaimed as they had reached the opened windows, facing the sky of Seoul in its dark blue color.

Jooheon had then simply showed her the red life-line scorching his palm, making her face’s expression switch to shock, then to something warm as she revealed her shining heart-line with a shy smile.

“So that was why…” she had breathed out as chills had covered her spine.

“Yeah, I’m even startled myself at how my mind clicks with yours, this is… Amazing.” The boy had nodded, his fingers linked together and dangling over the barrier preventing them from falling.

“I like it, too” she had admitted.

And that was how it had all begun. A sweet encounter had turned into a blooming relationship where Jooheon had been totally into his partner, the special connection drawing him deeper and deeper into the intense feelings he had sincerely developed for her at first sight. And she had fallen for him, too. Every single worry, every single question, every single need she had, he could and would fill them up as if he read her like a book. He had cherished her to the fullest, and she had felt thankful.

But at some point, she also had felt burdened, because she had started to feel like she didn’t pay him back as much as she should. In her eyes, it had seemed like he loved her more than she did, as the more time passed by, the less she had managed to feel invested in what she did for him because he’d always move mountains and skies for her, and the less she would get him, his wants, his needs the way he got her. In the end, she had started to feel bad and uneasy for being on the receiving end.

And as if fate had planned it all, she had happened to come across her own soulmate – a new recruit at her work place. And that was when she had known and understood, the reason why Jooheon and her had grown apart : sadly, but simply, her feelings for him had started to fade away and hadn’t been enough for her to hold onto anymore. Meanwhile that male colleague, who was just compatible to her like she was just compatible to her actual boyfriend, had fallen for her, showcasing his feelings with his own attentions that had stolen her heart, little by little.

Even if she had tried to resist at first, the spell hadn’t helped her ; yet, it was her true feelings that had taken the best of her, as she had felt like breathing again with this man who managed to build a deep connection between them even without being struck by the famous indescribable force. Selfishly too, she had craved to know what it felt like to be with her soulmate, wishing to give someone what Jooheon had been giving her untiringly all this time, even if she had simply forgotten that she did use to cherish him as well, in her own way, back when she still loved him.

And all of that happened unbeknownst to Jooheon who, even if he had started to spot the distance she had been digging between them, had refused to acknowledge it and had chosen to trust her and the idyllic love he had been in for almost a year.

“I found my soulmate” she had finally blurted out one day, while they had been having dinner at Jooheon’s place, after he had asked her for the umpteenth time in the month what was wrong with her lately, his hand on hers.

Jooheon remembered every single word they had shared that night, the argument still as clear as water in his mind, as he had been tortured with her voice echoing again and again in his eardrums for weeks after.

“What?”

“I’m sorry…” she had whispered, her throat constricted by the pain while tears had flowed down her face rising up to look at him in the two eyes.

She had been able to depict the heartbreak she was putting him through just by how his traits fell into despair, panic and incomprehension, his grasp on her hand suddenly tightening.

“No babe, it’s okay… Why are you sorry, hm? Why?”

“Because I’m in love with him, Jooheon-ah.”

“Wait, what? I-I don’t understand”

“I’m sorry” she had repeated in a low voice.

“How come you- No you can’t, I mean we’re… We’re good, right? We were good! How come you fell for him like that? What did I do, hm? Tell me? You know I love you, I would do anything so tell me, if I ever did something wrong-”

“You did nothing wrong, Jooheon-ah! You did everything perfectly, to the point I felt like shit because it was like I could never give you back everything you gave to me! It was so hard to always be the one in this relationship feeling a step behind, you know that?” she finally confessed, her hand leaving his hold to fumble into her hair in frustration.

“What’s this nonsense! You’re perfect to me just as you are! I never asked for anything from you! You know it’s true, I’m happy right now! Just because you’re here with me and we- we love each other! We love each other babe, c’mon, it’s just a momentary bliss, you know that! That rule means nothing, you said so yourself!” he had rushed in a louder voice, his brows knotting on his forehead and his own tears accruing at the corner of his eyelids.

“It’s not about the rule or whatever! We don’t love each other anymore, just open your eyes! I wasn’t happy even with all you did for me, you were happy on your own! Don’t tell me you didn’t see the signs!” she had moaned back.

“I did see them, and I even asked you about it, but you told me there was nothing, so I chose to trust you!” he had defended cluelessly.

“I’m sorry. It’s just… My feelings are not the same as before. I tried really hard to keep up with you, but I can’t. That man I met, I don’t feel burdened with him. You’ll always love me more than I love you, because you have that spell transcending you, but this isn’t right-“

“Are you kidding me? You really think I’m here just because of that stupid rule? After all this time? I know my feelings! I love you because I fell for you, and I would be the same with or without this thing! Sure, it must have influenced me at the beginning, but now it’s just me and my feelings!” he had let his fear take the best of him by cutting her, his heart crumpling under his chest he had smashed with his fist to emphasize his sincerity.

“I feel suffocated when I’m with you, Jooheon-ah." She had started to cry again. "With him, I don’t have to be afraid that I’ll be lacking like I did with you, because I get him the way you get me, just like I used to get you before. Now that I met him, I can give my all without feeling that it’s never enough…”

“You just never truly loved me, that’s what you’re really telling me. Or else you would never have felt belittled or intimidated by my feelings, or else you would have known that I was happy with every single thing you gave me” Jooheon had mumbled between gritted teeth, his jaw clenched, before he shot her a tearful yet glaring stare.

He had felt like he had been sliced in two by a sword, one part of him burning into a fire of rage and betrayal that had whispered to him to insult her and turn his kitchen inside out ; another one filled with love and despair that had made him crave to beg her not to leave his side.

“I did love you, it wasn’t like that from the beginning…” she sighed. “I just don’t love you anymore, but that was before him. Meeting him just made me open my eyes. Maybe I am influenced by the spell, maybe not, but right now what I’m sure of, is that I fell for him anyway. You have to understand that, not the rest.”

“I can’t. And here you were questioning my feelings, when in fact you’re the one who’s just been struck by that thing… I can’t believe it. I can’t believe you! If my love was too much for you, it just means you didn’t love me back!”

“You just don’t listen… Think whatever you want of my sincerity. But you said it yourself, Jooheon-ah. That you would be the same even if there wasn’t this rule. The same goes for me. And hadn’t it been him, it would’ve been someone else.” she had felt tired of explaining herself.

“I can’t understand you. I won’t understand you. I’ve always done everything for you, ever since we met! Everything! And you loved me, so how could your feelings change when I didn’t?!” he had broken into tears shamelessly, having always showed himself completely naked before her, without pretending.

“I can’t explain it further, it just…. Faded away. I’m sorry.”

“Nobody will love you as much as I did, you know that? Nobody, not him, because he’ll feel lacking just like you did, won’t he?” he ended up spitting some nonsense, his eyes falling into some emptiness while his mixed feelings had killed him on the spot.

“You can’t tell when it comes to love. I wish you’ll find someone who’ll love you as much as I used to, if not more. I tried to stay, I really tried, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t as good for you as you wished to believe, Jooheon-ah. You have to admit that we weren’t perfect together. Everything does not depend on that rule, or else I wouldn’t have spent time with you to begin with. You just can’t tell what the heart will be like. My heart changed, and so will yours, one day.”

“You’re so selfish. You were only waiting to find the one for you without ever considering me as it.”

“I wish you the best, Jooheon. You deserve it.”

And with that, she had stood up while glancing at him one last time, the only sound in the apartment being their choked sobs and the air having been poisoned with the sadness that had seeped out of their tensed bodies. And she left, without ever turning back, nor coming back.

That thick atmosphere seemed to have never wore off his place, up ‘til now.

That was the reason why Jooheon couldn’t believe in love anymore, nor in himself. He had trusted his feelings, he had given his everything to someone, yet it hadn’t been enough to keep her by his side. She had been supposed to be the one for him, and he had done all he could to be the one for her effortlessly, yet she had found her happiness and satisfaction in her own ideal.

He then believed that love couldn’t measure up to that cruel soulmate rule, because the sincerity of his heart his friends talked about hadn’t been enough for her to remain in love with him ; because her feelings had definitely faded away once she had been confronted to the man of her profound dreams, making her aspire to reach something defined as “higher” than the ones she had with Jooheon ; because it then crushed the satisfaction one could find into the simplicity of genuine feelings.

Jooheon had wondered if he, too, had ever loved her to begin with, or if it hadn’t all been a lie sold by the force overpowering everyone, disguised into feelings. He had wondered if love was supposed to make people that selfish and blind, just as he and she had turned to be. He had been selfish and blind, by seeing only what he had wished to see, an ideal love flowing down a calm river, without looking at the steep waterfall it obviously had been getting closer to. He had been selfish and blind, as he had straightforwardly followed his passion, until it had burned them both. She had been selfish and blinded by perfection, seeking for an unreachable balance between the two members of a couple, when love was supposed to be sincere and giving in your own way, without comparison.

He had wondered what was supposed to happen to him now that the person who had been meant to fit and fill him in every way, hadn’t loved him. Could he ever be loved? And could he love, again?

He had wondered what place true love had in this calculated world, to the point he had went through migraines from overthinking.

He was condemned to fear that any compatible woman he’d meet from now on would eventually leave his side, because love was never enough to save them when facing perfection, because he hadn’t been enough to keep her. He had ceased to believe in love more that in the law, doubting that everything had fallen apart just because feelings could come as fast as they could go.

Yet, he might have forgotten, that someone actually would feel attracted to him passionately just as he had loved with all his heart, but mostly, that some people out there, still believed in love more than anything else. He had forgotten about the sincerity of other people after being deceived ; until he came across you again, that very terrible morning.

* * *

You had woken up quite early for someone who had been out partying the past night, but there had been a bubble of excitement transporting you out of bed and ushering your steps outside your flat to go and do some shopping with Jiwoo. Tonight was the night, the one of the first event you had ever been in charge of, and not only this accomplishment made you feel great, but also the fact that you had talked with Jooheon and might talk to him sooner or later again.

You were in your best condition ever since autumn had begun, and it’s with light strides that you stepped out the subway and waited for your friend at a huge intersection of big avenues. You were supposed to meet in this district famous for its shops alleys, and you were a few minutes early as it was near your place.

“Y/N-ah!” the cheerful voice of your colleague finally made its way to your eardrums above the ambient din the crowd around the both of you was making.

She approached you and you stood in front of the crosswalk while chatting, waiting for the little symbolic man to turn green. When suddenly, once you detached your eyes from your phone’s screen indicating you where the first shop you wished to go was situated, they ended up landing on a familiar figure on the opposite side of yours, making your eyelids squint, then part the further they could from each other.

“This can’t be…”

Facing you, with his hands in the pockets of his deep blue track pants and his bust simply covered by a black hoodie in spite of the cold weather, the stick of a lollipop trapped between his filled lips, was standing Jooheon. You couldn’t quite believe it, but indeed, he was here, accompanied by another dude who was showing him something on his phone just like you had been with Jiwoo a few seconds before. The sidewalk was large enough for a row of ten people to walk side by side on it, so when the light finally turned green, you knew you wouldn’t have the chance to come across him or bump into him “accidentally”.

You were too appalled to make a move on him anyway, time passing by quickly as Jiwoo pulled you by the arm and started to step on the white lines painted on the ground, while you were busy staring indiscreetly at the man who were giving you the chills and the butterflies all over again, just at his sight.

“What are you doing? Move or we’ll get crashed by a car” Jiwoo joked as she was literally dragging your wobbly body behind her.

“He’s here Jiwoo how is that even possible how-“ you mumbled in a squeaky voice, your hands grasping her arm hard.

“Who? Wait what? Are you talking about the man from yesterday? Where?!”

You were halfway through the sidewalk when your eyes finally seemed to meet for a split second over the dozens of passengers between the two of you, causing you to shudder in delight, before he was out of your sight or reach. You dared to turn back once your feet stomped on a safer place than the road, to ensure yourself you indeed had met him by chance ; and your eyes indeed fell on his back and his famous flaming hair he covered with a black cap as he reached the side you had been standing on before at a lazy pace.

“Jiwoo-yaaaaa, how is it even POSSIBLE THAT I CAME ACROSS HIM?! What’s going on? Am I seeing things?!”

You were now shaking your friend as your pupils were still burning holes into his silhouette, until he finally disappeared through the crowd then down the stairways leading to the subway, leaving you numb the second you lost track of him.

“This is FREAKING AMAZING” the blonde girl said with an expression showing her fascination as she looked back to where you were staring. “You’re both giving me the chills seriously! I guess that’s what the soulmate law does! You’re filming a fucking movie Y/N-ah, I’m so glad to be a witness of it because I was starting to think that this was pure bullshit!”

So were you.

When you had been looking desperately for him, it had seemed like he would never show up ; but now that he had popped out of the depths of nowhere, you were definitely pulled into the hole of attraction by coincidences coming one after the other. How could you keep your resolution to remain reasonable and not get your hopes up that he was going to lift up your love life?

You ceased to agitate your body and the one of your friend as the buzz of your phone vibrated into the pocket of your padded jacket.

Jooheon [10:08 a.m.] : Didn’t we just pass by each other? It seems like I just saw you in Myeongdong

Terrific, was the word that would be the first to roll off your tongue if you were ever asked to describe this situation. Incredible, would be the one to tell people how you were feeling as you opened the message he had sent you, once again being the first to start the conversation before giving you the chance to land back on Earth after he had shaken up your world for the third time in less than 24 hours.

Your life-line that had been shimmering slightly all this time finally turned back to its flesh color, but your body felt warm, becoming insensitive to the freezing wind whirling in the streets, the overall sensation making you smile sheepishly as you typed an answer.

You [10:09 a.m.] : I think we did! Sorry I didn’t greet you, I wasn’t sure it was you at first and I was quite shocked tbh haha

How come you were being that honest? You quickly slid the device back into your pocket and decided to give your heart a rest by focusing on your task of the day : find yourself and Jiwoo an outfit for tonight’s reception.

Jooheon was staring at his own phone in his left hand where the heart-line had ceased to shine now that he was far enough from you, but his body had suddenly been eaten by unfamiliar chills, even when he had been wandering in the cold without feeling anything all morning long. Yet what was perturbing him the most, was the strong curiosity that kept on sprouting at the back of his head when he meant to empty his brain from any thought linked to a girl – except her, because he didn’t control it.

He had had to force himself not to look over his shoulder to watch your attractive traits he had only seen for a split-second, just to forget about them quickly and move on with his life like he had been doing for the past months. Yet there his fingers had been, typing a message to you yesterday and today as well before his usual defenses had refrained them to.

So, in order to make up for that short deviation he was half-heartedly regretting, Jooheon chose to mirror your action and put his phone in the large pocket of his sweater without answering to your enthusiastic response, shutting his eyes on the small desire to do so that was tickling his brain cells.

* * *

Fifteen minutes. It was fifteen minutes before the guests would actually start to come by, and your stomach was twisting in pain as you felt the anticipation and the stress eat you up.

"Relax Y/N, your traits look so rigid!" Kihyun, one of your colleagues, chanted as he grabbed you by the shoulders and massaged them quickly. "Too bad I wasn't there last night to see you relax for the first time in the month"

"One last checkup, and I'll be good" you half-whispered as your throat had turned sore, and he chuckled before pouring you a cup of water from his standing place behind the buffet he just had checked for you ten minutes ago.

"Yes cap'!" he mocked you, and you finally smiled as you lightly hit his hand that had been offering you the soothing drink.

You spun around to watch the room, and honestly, it was exactly how you had wanted to be, if not more beautiful. You had opted for the classic round tables, but you liked the conviviality their form involved, and they were decorated in brown, clay and golden details surrounding the reddish flowers at the center, all those warm tones to reminisce the warm season fall was, as it came to an end. There were white and gold garlands as well as balloons behind the huge buffet and the stage where the spokespersons would stand to give their speeches, while the "photo spot" next to the entry was delimited by two wonderful floral sculptures. But the final touch was, the orchestra that had kindly agreed to put on brown or copper suits to fit into your theme.

Everything was right in its place, even the personal you had hired who were already in their positions, ready to take any order or to play the games your team had planned, with the help of an MC to relay them.

"This is beautifully chic, Y/N-ah. The young footballers are going to feel like the classiest people in the world tonight" Himchan, your team manager – and the one who had hit on you but forgot about it thanks to alcohol – told you with a smile, as you were busy lightning a few candles that had blown out on the tables.

"Thanks, Team Manager" you politely addressed him a smile as well, then your body shuddered slightly as you felt his eyes linger on your figure for a bit too long. "Is there something wrong with my outfit? We decided to buy something new with Jiwoo because we've used all of our black clothes but if-"

"No, no! Absolutely not! You- I mean this, this looks perfect!" he stuttered as he waved his hands before him. "I'll leave you to your task, I'll be at the entry! Join me in five minutes!"

And quickly, he was gone, a hand scratching the back of his scalp as if he was embarrassed about something.

Was he checking me right now? Shit…

You still took a quick glance at your clothes, but you felt quite good and ensured that you had made the right choice. You were wearing a black turtleneck with a tailor jacket above, a pair of skinny black corduroy trousers and slim low boots with square heels that were the most comfortable shoes you had worn for an event ever since the beginning of your internship. A glimpse of red lipstick, delicate golden loops on your ears, and you felt chic enough to walk into the room without feeling too diminished by the dressy people that would soon be seating everywhere.

And that "soon" came sooner than what you had thought, because soon enough, you were busy welcoming the football players, a lot of them making you weak in the knees because of their handsomeness. Yet you knew you weren't the only one feeling this way as your colleagues and the female workers never ceased to exchange some looks between them or with you, agreeing that you'll be getting an eyeful tonight.

A lot of famous brands had been invited as well, and you felt honored to hear compliments from their owners or representatives as they walked into the room, their eyes shooting open and their mouths falling into a smile as they were met with the ambiance you had settled for them.

A few presentations, quizzes, thanks and plates later, you could finally let out a sigh of relief as you walked down the stage after having introduced the dessert under dozens of pair of eyes gazing at you, because it was the moment for you to take a break. You retreated at one of the tables in the corner of the room, where a part of your team was actually eating before the time of their next shift came, and you overlooked at your work with stars in your eyes. All those people were having a good time thanks to you, and nothing else could have warmed your heart that much tonight.

Nothing…?

Your brain had finally some time to spare and think of someone who actually made you burn, and you realized he hadn't answered to your last message from the morning, making you frown. The desire to talk to him now that you had switched off the party and your duties spread in your body as if you had simply clogged it at the back of your head all day long, so you couldn't prevent your fingers to type something, momentarily forgetting about the regrets you could have from letting yourself get involved with him any further without knowing where it would get you.

You [10:02 p.m.] : Catching a sight of my face in the broad daylight cut your desire to ever talk to me again?

You bit your lip and sipped on the single flute of champagne you were allowed to drink during the whole night, savoring each drop of it, and your eyes fell on one of the tables that was particularly loud. The boys around it were pretty cheerful, loud mewls falling from their mouths as they ate with enthusiasm their dinner, and the fun and happiness of the situation turned to be distracting enough for you to not feel the long minutes that separated your message from Jooheon's answer.

Jooheon [10:13 p.m.] : No sorry, had a pretty messy day, and I don't go on this app often. What's up?

Your heart burst under your ribcage and you almost dropped your glass to get a hold of your phone before answering immediately, not wanting to miss this chance. You were like a teenager talking to her crush, but you didn't care ; something in this excitement felt addictive as you just didn't want this electricity in your body to stop flowing, and you liked how spontaneous you were being with him.

You [10:14 p.m.] : Don't apologize, I was just joking! I have to admit that I was really shocked by this coincidence, the probability's quite small haha

Thirty minutes passed, and still nothing. You were getting upset but were knocking yourself mentally at the same time, for being that impatient and that much on the nerves just because of him. Yet as time went by, the wings that were supposed to save you from falling for him and getting desperate started to flap, as you finally grew cautious of your overreacting behavior. It was almost the end of your break anyway, so you had to stop waiting for anything from this tentative of exchange behind a screen, even if you had wished you could talk for hours like the past night-

Jooheon [10:45 p.m.] : Yeah that was kinda surprising. Sorry I'm taking a long time to answer, I'm out with my best friends and

Jooheon [10:45 p.m.] : I'm a bit tipsy and surrounded by too many discussions at the same time

As if he could hear your contradictory thoughts, he showed up again when the balance had almost dropped to the "be reasonable Y/N" side. You sighed in relief and smiled at his fractured answer, glancing one last time at the hour indicating you that the moment when you wouldn't be able to talk to him was getting closer and closer.

You [10:46 p.m.] : Don't worry, I'm out too, actually at an event I've organized so I'll be busy as well! I just wanted to talk to you even during a short time, our discussion was interesting yesterday

Honesty. Every single one of your actions was guided by honesty without you controlling it, as if you weren't supposed to play a game or pretend with him at all. Every single phrase of your precedent lecturing about remaining the two feet on solid ground, where reality could less hit you, got absorbed into your phone's screen by their opponent : his next message.

Jooheon [10:47 p.m.] : Oh cool! What's the event? I might see you on the news, right?

Jooheon [10:47 p.m.] : I had a great time talking to you too, it was better to eat my dumplings with someone keeping me company in a way

"What the hell am I thinking…" Jooheon mumbled as he placed his phone on the small table he shared at the bar with three of his friends.

"That's exactly the question I was about to ask you man" Changkyun, his closest friend, nudged him while his two eyes were scanning the bubbles on the screen.

"Hey, do you always read other's conversations you asshole?" Jooheon slammed his shoulder before putting the device in the pocket of his black jacket.

"You've been typing and retyping things since this morning in this convo, don't you think I'll get curious? Who's the girl?"

Jooheon took a long sip of his beer, before letting out a hiss of contentment as the bittersweet taste graced his buds.

"I met her at the club yesterday. You know me, I don't give a shit about meeting compatible girls but this one… I swear she was so gorgeous. And I had that familiar feeling of déjà-vu, then it turns out that we matched on Tinder. We talked last night, and I even ran into her this morning. That's funny, but-"

"You're getting interested, that's it" Changkyun cut him off with a sly smile.

"I'm not!" he vigorously protested, the two words twisting his stomach in discomfort. "I'm not, just… Our conversation from last night changed from the usual dating app shitty chattering, nothing less nothing more" he then convinced himself while nodding his head, avoiding the three pair of eyes that were darting question marks at him.

"Then why do you look so bothered to be just talking to her?" Hyungwon, on the seat facing him, asked while shrugging.

Good question, that Jooheon couldn't answer truthfully. One side of him was confident that he just liked to discuss because you were a cool person and it was cool to talk to someone new, but another one felt like he was somehow excited about this, and he feared it as much as he hated it.

"True, the second I asked you about it, you got on the defensive side and started blabbering random things" Changkyun laughed at him after having gulped down his glass.

"It's just that it's been a long time since I talked with a girl without thinking too much of it, so it's weird, that's all" he admitted out loud, the thought bugging him too much for him to keep it.

"Well you are right to do so, just have fun!" Minhyuk, sitting next to Hyungwon, encouraged him further, like he always had after the breakup. "It won't kill you to talk, and maybe you'll see that something can happen"

"I don't want it, you know that hyung" Jooheon withdrew into himself, sinking back into his chair and his eyes piercing the face of the blonde boy.

"For now, Jooheon-ah. Not forever."

"That, is for me to decide" Jooheon warned him between gritted teeth. "We're not having this discussion again."

"The heart does what it wants" his friend smiled cheekily, earning an eye-roll from your interlocutor who finally remembered you had answered him a few minutes ago already. "I'm just telling you to at least have fun, not to marry her! And if she's on Tinder, there's more than 50% chance that she isn't looking for anything as well."

One last deadly glance at the culprit and the talk was over, before Jooheon unlocked his cellphone with a loud heartbeat, the words from his friend resounding into his eardrums. Have fun. What was that supposed to mean? He wasn't even sure if he could take anything further than a few smirks at you anyway, as he had lost most of his confidence when it came to approaching women. When he was behind his bar, he could easily suit himself into the playful bartender with cocky smiles ; but once outside, once there was nothing to comfort his roleplay anymore, Jooheon felt trapped in his insecurity.

You [10:47 p.m.] : The sponsorships' launching for the most famous clubs of football in Korea!

His face froze into a shocked expression, his eyebrows rising up on his forehead, as this new coincidence wasn't helping him to see you only as a conversation buddy, and not a little bit special girl.

"What is she saying?" Changkyun caught the surprise on his close friend's face and grew curious.

"I think… She's at the same event as Kihyun hyung and the rest of the boys tonight" Jooheon chuckled in disbelief, his head tilted to the side.

"NO KIDDING?!" the three dumb and dumber allies exclaimed.

"This is getting reaaaally exciting" Minhyuk chirped while tapping his fingers together in a mischievous way.

Jooheon [10:54 p.m.] : Ah

Jooheon [10:54 p.m.] : Actually I was invited at this one, some of my friends must be there with you

You [10:55 p.m.] : What?! Really? Are you a player? But you were serving at a bar yesterday…

Jooheon [10:55 p.m.] : I used to play, yes. But I got a severe injury months ago. So my team must be here, some of us were kinda the new hope to make it in the next National team

You [10:56 p.m.] : Oh… Sorry for the injury. That's why you told me you loved it as much as you hated it…

Jooheon [10:56 p.m.] : You remembered that?

You [10:56 p.m.] : Seems like I did haha

You [10:57 p.m.] : You and your friends can still come you know, if you have your name on the list! And if not, I'm the organizer so I can make you enter! You don't know what you're missing, I put my blood and sweat into it… And I'm sure your team would be glad to see you

Jooheon [10:57 p.m.] : Idk if that's a good idea Y/N… But thanks for the invitation

You [10:57 p.m.] : Look, I have to leave, but if you ever change your mind, here's my number!

"We must go Jooheon-ah! We can hang out with the boys, surrounded by rich people and undoubtfully beautiful models, c'mon! And it might be your chance to let yourself go a little for one night" Minhyuk urged him before he ended his drink in no time to prove him how impatient he was.

"Minhyuk hyung is right, let's go have some fun out there instead of that same bar. Your team must miss you y'know" Changkyun incited him with a hand on his right shoulder, shaking him a little.

"You guys can go, then! I can't face them nor my previous opponents knowing they'll be pitying me or laughing at me! Not talking about that bastard who fucked up my leg!" Jooheon suddenly fired up, a hurt expression masking his traits.

"They won't pity or mock you, you fool! No one in the sports field jokes about injuries like that! Jooheon-ah, you need to stop being so resigned to face the things that might bring you bad memories because that's what makes you move on! C'mon let's go, so you can meet your teammates and move on from your rupture with football, and so you can meet that girl and move on from your heartbreak. It is high time you hook up with someone from the opposite gender, and maybe have a one-night stand if it can help" Minhyuk lectured him before standing up and grabbing his arm fiercely.

"C'mon mate, it's been months for the two already, you're not going to live behind walls forever you know?" Changkyun moderated the blonde's speech he still shared.

"I fucking hate all of you" Jooheon mumbled as he wasn't that hard to convince.

Because deep down in his guts, something had already told him to go and meet you ; maybe it was the bundle of anticipation and adrenaline that the unknown of the situation had rooted right down to his core.

"Not guilty" Hyungwon defended as they finally walked outside the bar to grab a cab.

Jooheon [11:04 p.m.] : Looks like I'm on my way

* * *

"I shouldn't be here, I'm going home" Jooheon resigned himself as his friends were reaching the doors to the place you had rent to host your event.

"No, come back here boy! You're going to enter this party, to eat, to talk, to smile, and maybe to kiss!" Minhyuk ordered as he grabbed the fugitive by the collar of his jacket, blocking him in his steps meant to take him away from here.

Jooheon swore under his breath at the last beer he had drank, accusing it of making him abdicate before his friends and letting them drag him here, to the gates of his nightmare. Behind the glass doors they were holding for him to walk through, the two biggest triggers of his deepest emotions were waiting for him : one, a girl who had stimulated him but not in a pure sexual way when he had sworn to himself he'd never deal with feelings for women until further notice ; two, the fellows he had shared one of his dearest passion with, the same who would bring him the sad memory that the time he had lived off his dream was now over.

"Do you want me dead?" he whined while looking at Minhyuk's grip that had slid down his left arm.

"No, I want you alive, so alive that you live in the present and not in the fucking past. Let's. Go. Now!"

Another phrase that rang into his mind. How come did he sound so right tonight? Was it that beer, again?

"You sucker…" he barely responded, his skills to counterattack lacking impressively.

"Love you too, buddy. You'll thank me later!"

The doors were pushed and so was the panicked human whose body was under high tension, until he finally stepped into the huge room where funk music was played, where low lights were dancing between the roof and the tiled floor, where multiple conversations covered each other, creating an ambient buzz in his ears ; because as his eyes finally landed on you, who were talking to some guy on the stage, Jooheon forgot about his fears.

The premises of a smile inched at the corners of his closed mouth, as he felt somehow great just like the day before, when he had found you in the dancing crowd then right behind his back at the counter. His gaze was glued to every single detail of your features as he once again got absorbed by your beauty, but this time without the barman roleplay to get it over with. In your all-black outfit, with a masculine-feminine touch that enhanced a certain sexiness, you glowed in the middle of fancy dresses that didn't fit his style, at all.

You, were totally his style ; maybe that was the reason why he was having a hard time turning away from you once and for all, without his mind constantly looking back at the pictures he made of you in his memory. How come you could be as enthralling as his ex when you weren't even destined for him?

"Good evening gentlemen, can I have your names, please?" a young man suddenly appeared in front of him with sheets of paper in his hands, shaking him slowly out of his trance, but Changkyun was already handling the situation.

"His name is on the list, Lee Jooheon from Daegu FC, and we're honor-guests he brought with him" his best friend answered naturally.

"Boss, come here a second please, we have latecomers" the man mumbled in his walkie-talkie quietly.

A simple turn of your head in the direction of the entry, a single glance at the one you had wished to see again face to face, and you were melting like a marshmallow at the contact of fire. Your left hand was tickling again, and it's with wobbly legs that you made your way towards the four men who were looking at you expectantly – especially Jooheon, that sketched a shy smile at you, his dark eyes turning to crescents but still displaying some kind of spark.

"Good evening, gentlemen. It's okay Changmin-ssi, I know them, and this one is with the club on table 4" you managed to explain to your colleague who nodded and let them walk further into the room.

Your eyes landed again on your ideal, whose dimple smile appeared completely as he kept on looking back and forth between you and whatever dot he could see in the room behind your back, telling you he was somehow embarrassed to face you. He was stunning as ever, with his flamboyant hair combed in the back with a slightly wet effect, and wearing a black jacket with round silver pins along the seams of its collar, sleeves and pockets, a black tee shoved into a black pair of skinny jeans and low leather boots. A classy look yet different from the ordinary tailor suit every single man in this room was bearing tonight.

"Let me show you the way" you finally addressed them with a smile, your voice hovering the ones of the rest of people.

"Thank you, for letting us come in" the tallest from the group humbly told you and you only nodded your head in response, Jooheon's presence knocking you out.

The loud thump of your heart was contrasting with how light your heart felt ever since you were around him again, and this time you could truly feel the power of attraction as you were completely sober, the sensations becoming twice more unique than the past night when you had been struck for the first time. The butterflies were fighting in your stomach again, the chills had made one with your skin, the air had become as hot as in a desert and the desire was still indescribable, a nice cocktail to make you weak.

"Oh my- Jooheon-ah! Guys! When did you come?!" your colleague Kihyun shouted in your backs, making you jump into place before rotating on your heels to witness the scene.

"Heeey, you look great bro!" the one your colleague greeted as Changkyun threw at him as he approached the group at lightspeed, before they engulfed each other into a masculine accolade.

"Y/N, let me present you my childhood friends! I'm so glad they could make it! Remember when we talked about school and so on? Most of my stories were with them! This is Chae Hyungwon, Im Changkyun, Lee Jooheon and Lee Minhyuk!" Kihyun got excited, his arms on the shoulders of the-said Minhyuk and Jooheon's, who was looking back at you with an identical surprise that masked your traits.

They knew each other? How small the world could be…

"A-Ah yeah, I remember! But looks like they should learn from you to come in time" you joked.

"What did you tell her? Not something gross I hope?" Minhyuk worried, smiling at you.

"I'll keep my mouth shut" you teased.

You still hadn't heard Jooheon's voice, but his eyes were pealing you like an onion, his stare fixed on you making you grow shy and self-conscious. However, if his face might have wished to remain neutral, you felt like you were reading through his expression, that seemed to be close to fascination the more his eyes scanned you from your head to your toes.

"You're arriving at the end of the staff's service, but Y/N and I will do it for you. What do you drink?" Kihyun asked them once you were both posted behind the buffet.

The boys all passed their commands, except for Jooheon who, once again, had his lips sealed and his gaze floating between you and the room. He didn't feel uneasy next to you, nor embarrassed, just simply out of words because the whole situation was escaping his hands which usually were always controlling everything he did, every choice he made. But tonight, his brain had turned off once he had faced you, the rules he had imposed himself long gone into the depths of his memory. He felt out of his body that suddenly turned to you confidently.

Fuck it, for one night, he finally thought.

"Surprise me" he then copied your behavior from the night before, and seeing your surprised expression, he let out a laugh.

His laugh was a tone higher than his voice, a sweet melody you were glad to hear after long minutes of silence. You giggled back and started to pour him the only cocktail you wouldn't mess up too bad, a piña colada, and your spine turned chilly as he spoke up again :

"You're pretty good at it." He declared gently.

"Thanks, coming from a professional I'm deeply touched!"

"The room is nice too, you were right, I would've missed something" he smiled once your eyes met again. "So everything here comes from your head, right?"

He had pushed the right button, as you started to describe him the scheme you had followed before ending up putting this setting into life tonight. Your words fell out of your mouth one by one, as if you had been talking for hours long already. You enjoyed talking to him, the attention he gave you by nodding or humming warming your heart and cheeks. Maybe you would make at least a new friend out of this, if you couldn't have his love like with all the previous ones.

He wouldn't have thought he could be that relaxed around a pretty girl, listening quietly to you without any overthinking bugging his mind and making him stutter or put an end to the conversation. With you and your welcoming attitude, everything was easy, so easy that his fears and questions weren't fed. Maybe he, too, would make a new friend out of it.

Right, a friend Jooheon-ah. Nothing bad.

"Hereee!" you finally extended your right hand to him, and he received the drink with a small bow. "So, you used to play in the Daegu FC, right? I checked. And now, you're living in Seoul, the city of your field's huge enemy…"

"That's right, it's pure treason, isn't it?" he smirked before taking a sip, coating his lips with white foam before he licked it quickly. "I'm probably going to come across the Seoul buddy who helped me get a knee ligament rupture and a malfunctioning leg"

You gulped at his sarcasm, observing him as his eyes were scanning the crowd, probably looking for the player he had been talking about. And as you followed his stare that had stopped on a certain group of sportsmen, it was as if you could share what Jooheon felt deep down, your heart crumpling at the sight of one them he was gazing at with insistence. The boy was smiling and dancing around his table with his mates, while Jooheon suddenly seemed lonely, in his own bubble with only you to notice the painful frown which passed his traits like a brisk of air.

"Where's your team? Don't you wish to meet them?" you finally asked to root him out of his thoughts probably full of regrets.

"The loud boys down there, that's them. But I'm… Too embarrassed to confront them" Jooheon admitted out loud, before his eyelids grew apart in surprise as his mind was being way too open. "Sorry, pretend you didn't hear that"

How come his tongue was untying itself without consulting? Ah, right, his defensive functions were nowhere to be seen at the moment.

"But I did. I get that you're embarrassed, but I'm sure you'll feel better when you'll see they're not. C'mon, let's go! Your friends are with them anyway" you invited him, stepping out from behind the buffet and coming next to him. "I know I'm just a stranger, so my words probably mean nothing, but trust me, I have a good intuition most of the time, Kihyun can confirm."

Jooheon's heart bloomed into something bigger and hotter, burning his whole ribcage yet soothing his body now that he felt a presence next to him. Yes, you were a complete stranger, but you somehow felt comforting, as your friendliness and the simple of your questions and answers didn't put him into a spot where he had to think. He then began to walk to the table along with you, a small smile disguising your lips as your arms brushed. However, you were abruptly cut through your course by the famous guy Jooheon had been staring at earlier.

"Wow, Lee, you look… Great! It's cool to see you tonight! How are you doing?" the guy stammered with a smile, but you could perceive the embarrassment in his chocolate eyes.

Jooheon immediately tensed next to you, his bloody organ cowering back to a suffocating state.

"Hi, Kwon. I'm doing good, and you? I heard you're the favorite for the sponsorships this year" he still managed to answer calmly.

A part of him despised this good-looking, tall, and somehow kind man, his smile killing him with jealousy and rancor when he knew he shouldn't. Back when the incident had happened, Jooheon had been persuaded that he had done it on purpose, or if not, that he hadn't felt sorry for his loss, because they had been each other's biggest opponent to make it into the national team. But his own team had helped him work on his hatred, telling him that he hadn't hurt him voluntarily, that there was no one to blame, except for misfortune.

Still, deep down he knew he hated him for being the one to play instead of him and have a greater chance to become a renowned player ; for being the one who had shared the same dream as him but also the one preventing him from achieving it ; for being the one to take away from him the only thing that could have helped him get through his breakup faster.

"I'm less handsome than you, but well, seems they like me for my body!" the guy joked again. "When am I meeting you on the field again? It's been five months, is it going well? Look, I never had the chance to properly tell you, but I'm… sorry about what happened, I just wish you could recover soon, hyung."

Jooheon scoffed despite him, installing a thick atmosphere around the three of you. You snapped your head towards him, and once again, you immediately knew what he was thinking without even spotting how his fist clenched right next to your hand. You didn't quite know at this point if it was the law or simply your ability to understand people easily that made you get his mind at one glance, but you didn't care ; you had to prevent a curse from falling out of his lips that had turned into a thin line, or else something told you he'd regret it.

"He's not fully recovered yet, but it's getting better, thank you for worrying. Sorry to interrupt, but I have to accompany him to his table and then go back to my other tasks, so if you'll excuse us"

The boy nodded in confusion, the troubled look in his eyes apparent as he smiled and bowed politely to the both of you, and you gently grabbed Jooheon by the arm before walking straight towards his teammates. That touch sent waves of numbness up to your shoulder, while it finally shut all of Jooheon's spiteful voices turning into his head.

"Boss, we need you to introduce the charity project and the afterparty in two minutes" your walkie-talkie spoke up.

Only a few steps had been taken and you quickly let go, your body overwhelmed by your spontaneity you didn't explain nor understood, and you rotated on your heels to look at Jooheon as he watched you with a blank face.

"I'll leave you to your teammates, sorry for… Interfering. But I didn't want a fight to begin between you and this man" you confessed, suddenly embarrassed by your actions.

"Thank you, Y/N. I sincerely was about to punch his face, because when it did happen to me, I didn't see an ounce of regret on his face at first. He was happy that I was out, because well, I was good" Jooheon explained, shaking his head in disbelief as he was thrilled by the wave of anger that had submerged him. "But I would've regretted creating trouble at your event, and I know he kind of meant what he said."

You only smiled shyly and stepped to his right so that he could walk past you, but instead, he turned again to face you.

"I don't think I should meet those people tonight, I'm still pretty sensitive about the subject. I'll step out. I'm sorry, you invited me and helped me enter…"

"You're leaving?!" you blurted out, deception clearly audible in your shaking tone.

Your two eyes bore into his and froze him into his spot, and it became suddenly hard to disappear, to walk away from you, to put an end to this encounter that had been short, once again. Something felt unachieved, would it be the conversation you could have if you kept on talking, or the moment you were about to share if you kept each other company.

"I… I think it's for the better. I don't feel great, being here."

"I'm out of service in a few minutes, because at midnight, everyone's going to the afterparty. I just have to help the staff pack quickly. Would you… Mind waiting for me? I'm done with all this people as well and I've been running everywhere all night long, so I would gladly enjoy some fresh air" you offered expectantly.

This was your last card, your last chance to stick by his side a little longer, to bathe into dreamland for one night only, even if tomorrow would probably put an end to it as your relationships with men never lasted long. He was special to you, but you weren't to him ; however, you still were desperate to live in the bliss he was putting you through to the fullest, so you wouldn't ever regret it.

Jooheon's mind, on the other hand, would've said no, had he been supposed to follow his restrictions and let his usual fears eat him out. But tonight, it had taken you a few smiles and phrases to touch his wounded heart, and Jooheon couldn't get enough of this comforting feeling, of the lift off his shoulders you were being, of the silencing of his thoughts you had provoked. Selfishly, he wished for a night where he could feel great after a long time, and it seemed like you were able to just do that.

"I'll be waiting outside."

* * *

"What about dumplings and beer? It's my treat, I'm sorry you had to wait for so long but there was more to do than I thought…" you apologized as you both walked down the luminous streets of Seoul.

Jooheon chuckled while putting his hands into the pockets of his jeans.

"Don't worry, during the whole time my friends tried to convince me to come with them at the afterparty"

"So you met your teammates in the end…?" you asked, your own hands burning as you felt steaming hot even at the beginning of an icy fall night.

"Yeah… They were happy to see me, you were right. It was weird, but nice. Still I just didn't feel like hearing them talk about matches and football stories all night long when I'm not a part of it anymore…"

Sadness impinged his nosy voice, even if his face was straight, with his two sharp eyes staring right before him nonchalantly. You felt great to be the one to listen this time, your heart fluttering as it seemed like you were growing closer naturally, exchanging thoughts just like you had the past night. You understood why it was him who was the one for you, as being around him was like being around an old friend who got you and who you got.

"I would've felt the same, honestly" you sighed. "But you'll never be able to play again…?"

Silence, but not an uncomfortable one ; just the time it took to Jooheon to put words together in order to describe this regretful situation.

"At first, it should've been a classical knee ligament rupture with 6 months of re-education, but the doctor kind of messed it up so it's not completely… Repaired. I'm still not able to play right now, and in the sports field, you have to keep up with training or else you'll lose your level. By the time I catch up, it will be too late, I'll never have a chance to become a national player again."

You hummed in comprehension, as it was your turn to search for something to say.

"I can't tell you irrational words of encouragement, I'm sure you know what you're talking about" you surprised him by your sincerity. "However… I don't think you'll never be able to play again. I don't think you lose your talent overnight. I'm pretty sure it's still down there, in those legs, it just needs to be worked on all over again. But it's reaaaally hard to be motivated to work from scratch. I hope you won't give up, but if you give up, it's pretty understandable because it's gonna be fucking hard. Like everything in life, in the end!"

From all the things he had heard, it was by far the most relatable comment Jooheon had received, finding home into his eardrums and even in his head as he nodded slowly. You were being rational, but also comforting ; how could you do that?

"No pain no gain, right?" he chuckled quietly, letting a small cloud of fog escape his lips before it dissipated into the air.

"Exactly! And as you still didn't answer my question, dumplings and beers it will be, whether you like it or not!" you exclaimed loudly.

"How come you didn't finish that anime? I don't get your mini you! You footballers only watch Captain Tsubasa, that's it?" you lolled your head in the back, your hands up in the air in frustration, before they dropped to grab your beer pint with energy.

You both were seating at a table in a cozy pub, not too crowded, with a tavern-like vibe and some old rock music playing in the background. Two empty plates were piled up in the center, where dumplings and other appetizers had been lying in perfect lines before you had eaten them up hungrily. And by the time you had come to talk about childhood cartoons and anime, you had stopped counting the glasses you had drank. You were a bit tipsy, feeling relaxed and lively, with some electric shocks jolting through your body every time Jooheon's knee accidentally bumped against yours.

The boy had taken off his jacket and pulled the long sleeves of his black top up to his elbows that were planted in the wooden material of the small table, his sharp eyes shining as well as his teeth while he laughed at your overreaction. For the first time in seven months, it was way past midnight, and his heart didn't feel heavy, his head wasn't rotting with dark thoughts, his body didn't feel weak, no ; he was perfectly fine, because of – or rather thanks to – you.

You had been chatting and debating for hours now, your cheeks becoming hot again from the beers you had clinked together and the laughs you had shared, the both of you enjoying the time you were spending together without thinking of what was going to happen next.

Were you definitely falling for him? Was he finally opening to a woman after so long?

It didn't matter right now ; what enthroned the situation was the sincerity with which you were talking to each other, as good friends would. Until the time for the closure of the bar came, and you realized that there weren't any means of transport besides taxis or your feet for you to go home.

"Let's go, I'll take you home, it's late" Jooheon said softly as you both stood up and left the cozy nest that had sheltered you away from your everyday lives and rules for a while.

Your heart felt heavy all of a sudden, as the moment where you would part ways and maybe never meet each other again was getting closer, and you dreaded it. You wished that this night would last longer, because you couldn't get enough of his presence, his laugh, his small confessions about his passions or his life stories that he made sound as boring, when they were anything but dull to you. You knew you would have come to like him anyway, had there been the law or not ; he was sweet, funny, sincere, and vulnerable behind a strong facade – everything your heart could fall for.

It took a good twenty-minutes-walk for you to reach your district, and Jooheon suddenly halted in his steps :

"You live around here?" he questioned, his eyes looking up and going over all the huge buildings and shops surrounding the both of you.

"Yes, why?"

"Me too" he scoffed in disbelief. "I live like two minutes away from here, and you?"

"Five for me…" you answered with round eyes meeting his, and you both broke into a shy yet amused smile.

Until you slowly came to the realization that you could actually part ways right now, your direction being the opposite of his but close enough for him to let you walk back on your own.

His eyes got sucked up into the two intense galaxies your face supported, before they surprisingly dropped to your red-tinted lips, and Jooheon became a prey to an unfamiliar sensation, something he hadn't felt in a while ; a desire he thought he could never feel again as his heartbreak had wasted all of his emotions. But as his pupils remained on your traits for a bit too long, an incredible tornado of lust and need shook him up to the core, and he suddenly craved to steal a kiss from those pretty lips.

Fucking beer, I'm losing my senses.

He didn't want to leave your side. You had eased his guard down in just a few hours, so he couldn't deny that you were… Special. He wanted to talk to you a lot more, he wanted to remain in this confused sensation longer as he felt calm and serene, but most of all, alive.

And you could decipher into his two eyes, in spite of how destabilizing they could be the more they stared right back at you, that he was having the same difficulty to say goodbye as you.

"Look-"

"-Do you want to go to my place?" Jooheon cut you before you could be reasonable, and his offer made your whole body shudder in surprise. "I don't know we… We were having a great time talking, and I'm not tired yet, so… But if you don't like going to a guy's place, I-"

"Let's go, it's freezing" you were the one to interrupt him this time, the roaring desire to stay with him taking the best of you and erasing your resolution not to get your hopes higher up with him than with the others who had, too, walked by your side, but only to leave soon after.

Jooheon's apartment was situated in a decent building, with plenty of long balconies dressing its front view, and you quietly followed him up 'til the lift that soon took you to the third floor. The sound of his keys turning into the lock rang an alarm signal at the back of your head, reminding you of where you were actually entering and how unpredictable the rest of the night could be, but you couldn't care less.

It was the first time in a while that you didn't mind the consequences of your actions, and it felt good.

You passed a dark corridor, who then opened on a small living room next to the kitchen. The flat wasn't decorated much, as only a few figurines, pictures and cactuses could be spotted here and there ; overall, it was pretty neatly cleaned, and you couldn't prevent your mouth from forming a pout in approbation.

"Thought you'd step into a pigsty or what?" Jooheon called you out in an amused tone, as he placed his jacket on the back of the only yet big sofa.

"You actually look like Piglet, so yes, sorry" you joked as you too took off your coat and laid it next to his.

He cursed at you from the kitchen where you hounded him, and he offered you some crisps and water to fill up your stomachs that weren't full even after the two plates you had swallowed.

* * *

"This is actually… The first time I brought a girl home ever since my… Last relationship, I guess" Jooheon suddenly admitted as you had settled in his bedroom, sitting on the mattress across a wooden bedspring, with some snacks separating the both of you.

He had changed for a pair of sweatpants and a white tank top under a grey zipped hoodie with the symbol of Iron Man drafted on it, showing you how comfortable he was being around you to even wear his pajamas. Despite the imposing building of his body the lose clothes revealed, he looked somehow innocent, but mostly vulnerable, with his brows furrowed on his forehead while his eyes were fleeing your stare.

You took in a sharp breath as you heard his confession, and the manner with which he broke into a full smile consumed you, his two dimples showing up. Minute after minute, his cheeks were turning to a rosy tint you could still decipher despite the blue glow of the neon lights that were laid on his bedroom's floor.

His left hand came up to scratch the back of his neck, while yours was burning as if you detained a source of flames in your palm, and you wondered how come he still hadn't noticed the red shining mark. Had he drunk too much to see clearly?

"Honored to be such a guest" you smiled back, clenching your fist even more.

"So that makes it… Seven months? Yeah, seven months, wow. You're the only girl I'm not beware of, to be honest" he chuckled again, his fingers this time finding his hair he messed up a little, making strands fall on either side of his forehead.

"Why would you be wary of women?"

"Because one of you literally stabbed me in the back and turned me into this mess, I'm pretty scared of myself actually" he sighed.

Your heart crumpled under your ribcage, and you brought your legs against your chest before landing your chin on their knees, your eyes searching his face that was dropped to his hands now fumbling with the sheets. He seemed to be about to confess about something that had lingered in his mind and was bothering him, seeing how his expression had darkened. His second sigh took your breath away.

"Want to talk about it?" you shrugged. "I'm a good listener, people tend to say."

Jooheon's eyes leveled up and as they met yours, his heart did a blip up to his throat. You were stunning, but moreover, you were appealing in some kind of way ; he felt like talking to you would be the same as talking to himself inside his head, because you prospected an aura of kindness and reassurance.

"Not sure it'll interest you. It was just a funny realization I had" he tried to divert the subject one last time, his doubts plaguing the light you had spread into his mind, like ink into water.

Brace yourself, Jooheon-ah. It was fine to talk about futile things, why would you mess everything up with that shitty story?

"You don't get to judge that" you replied, taking him aback. "I can talk about my past relationships too, you know, I don't mind. Sometimes talking just do us good, right?"

Right, his eyes told you as they softened, so did his porcelain traits that unwound. Jooheon suddenly shifted in his position to lean his back against the wall right behind his two pillows, and he contemplated for a few seconds what he shall do next. How come his heart was throbbing in need to unbind his twisted thoughts he had kept to himself for so long? How come, most of all, it was for you to hear?

"I… Found my ideal. It was almost two years ago" he then started. "We dated. It was… Amazing. Well, it was for me. She didn't truly love me, I don't think so. Because guess what? She leaved me as soon as she found her own ideal. Saying that she felt burdened because I loved her too much, because I was too good to her. Can you even believe that? She wanted everything to be equal but damn, you don't count in love. Or that's what I thought. I thought that you don't count, that you just give, and that's all. Anyway, she left me, and ever since I've been… A fucking mess. I hope you don't go through that, stopping believing in love and whatever relates to it. It eats you to question everything. It eats my brain. She was supposed to be made for me, y'know? But she left. For her own ideal. So what am I worth now? And where's the love in all this shitty and calculated world, huh?"

He exhaled loudly while closing his eyes as letting this all out felt incredibly relieving – as well as the alcohol flooding in his veins –, until he realized you had been there all this time and hadn't said a single word. His eyelids opened slowly, and his jaded stare dared to drift to you. He felt a sea of goosebumps accost on his body as he were met with your curled-up figure, your traits seemingly peaceful and your gaze not even shaking under his.

Actually, you were shaken by what you had just found out, your insides twisted under the flow of emotions this had put you through. He had delivered you the deepest of his sorrows, and he had been beautiful when he had done so, his face having slid to an endearing expression you couldn't describe, and his voice having turned a bit hoarse and a tone higher.

"My turn" you simply announced, your clear voice cutting through the silence.

Jooheon sat up straightly and bit his lower lip, the anxiety of having told you everything that easily fighting with the anticipation of what story you had in reserve for him to get surprised by you once more.

"Actually, I also found my ideal by pure chance, last night. I was already having a hard time believing in love you know, and I had started to think that maybe I should look for him. I was thinking that if he's made for me, then the chances of him liking me were higher, and then I'd be able to fall in love with less fear that he'll eventually leave. Because I dated a few guys before, who were all compatible with me, but seems like I was never enough. Either I was a pastime before they went to look for their ideal, either they left me because they didn't share my feelings in the end. I gave away my heart sincerely, but I probably couldn't beat the rule, or I came to wonder if I am not the problem. Maybe I too am not worth it, you see? If they all leave at some point…"

You were the one to let a sorrowful smile pull at the corner of your trembling lips this time, your mind having fallen into the messy drawer of your deepest wonderings. You didn't notice Jooheon who was piercing holes through your head from the intense staring, your lack of love for yourself mirroring his own and getting to him.

"Still when I found him, I figured that I wasn't his, so I was disappointed at first. But in fact, it showed me that not everything is as calculated and perfect as we think. It depends on how you really clink with each other, in real life, because law or not, we're still humans with our own hearts to decide what we want, aren't we?

You took a deep breath before ending your speech that was getting closer and closer to its most important yet awkward part.

"And as I spent time with him tonight, I figured that yes, he's definitely perfect for me and has everything I'm looking for in someone, but that's the reason why I think I would've come to like him anyway. He's a really great guy, I'm glad that my standards were set to be so high. It's so nice to see how handsome and cool he is. It's so nice to have been able to at least talk to him. And I'm happy that I can say that to him face to face after hearing his heartbreaking story, so that he knows he's definitely worth it."

Time stopped, and so did Jooheon's heartbeat as your eyes met, before his fell down to your left hand you had opened just for him to see, and his dark pupils reflected the red light.

"Y/N I…" he was looking for something to say as you clenched your fist and withdrew your arm closer to you, your flesh burning with embarrassment after your monologue that somehow sounded like a confession. "You're wrong, about me, about the rule, you… Don't know what it's like. You're liking me only because of that thing, because it's what it makes us do. It makes us blind and fond of the other person. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful-"

"Didn't you love her because of who she was? Sure I felt it, the power of that thing, but it does not affect me further than crazy sensations" you cut him.

"I don't know about that, that's what I was telling you. I'm questioning everything. We don't know anything. What if it just blinds people? She stopped loving me when she was supposed to be the one for me, and she wasn't under the spell, so she was seeing me with neutral eyes. So I don't think that I am like you described, or else why would she leave?" Jooheon doubted, his two eyes fully opened and throwing dozens of wonderings at you.

"If she stopped loving you, then it means she did love you at some point. You just have to accept that feelings come and go, that's the heart's law, not any other. I don't believe that the law influences your feelings that much. It is here to show you who's at the highest rate of compatibility with you, but it does not mean that this person is unquestionably what you'll want in the end. Or else why would there be the heart-line? Or why would there be one-way situations like us? You can find your own perfection as long as you truly appreciate the person" you shrugged his frustration away, extending your arm to pick some pop-corn from the bag in front of you.

"You don't even know me that well. What you think you're liking might be what the law wants you to see" he ignored your remarks because they definitely were marking points.

"Do you hear how absurd you're sounding?" you only questioned him back with one of your eyebrows raising up.

"And you you sound just like me seven months ago…" He then mumbled and turned his face away from you, his eyes peeking out the window.

Your arguments were relatable, as he had delivered exactly the same and had believed in them back when she had left him ; but those countless nights of wonderings and aching had trampled them down and had made him lose faith in their value.

"I can't give you what you're wishing for anyway."

"I don't remember asking for anything?" you scoffed at his stubbornness. "I was just saying that I liked… What's going on here. Just like you said you were having a great time with me, I do too."

You motioned the space between the both of you, earning a curious look from the corner of his eye.

"You clearly seem like you want someone in your life. And you just told me… You liked… Me. But I can't be that man. I won't do better than your previous relationships. I'm a fucking mess, I'll only hurt you, just like I hurt her. I'll do shit without even realizing it. I'm no good, for no one. Thank you for what you said, but as I told you, I know myself better than you do, and I'm not that much of a great guy you described."

"Sounds like you were actually picturing things yourself, using the future tense…" you pointed out with another shrug. "Look, I didn't ask you out, nor did I ask you to like me back. Just accept my compliments and shut it out. You gave me a headache with your bullshit, I'll go to sleep!"

You lied down, your back turned on him and your arms crossed. He had upset your tipsy-self, and you felt embarrassed for having told him everything that had popped out in your mind only for him to turn all of it down with his "I-know-better-than-you-do" ranting. A few seconds later, you felt the other side of the mattress dig under his weight, and you heard a rather loud expiration of air coming out of his nose.

Jooheon's heart was beating incredibly fast, and his whole body was caressed by hot waves. What you had just told him, all those nice things, all that attention, had managed to pull at the strings of his heart when he had closed it to everyone. Moreover, he was somehow thrilled to learn that he was your ideal, because it was nonsense that such a beautiful and interesting girl had him as her standard for a lover. Add to those weird feelings the fact that he felt scared to be actually appreciated by someone, and this cocktail of mixed emotions made him mutter :

"You arrived at the wrong moment."

Had he met you later, once he had been fully "recovered", back onto his feet, he might have been able to really believe you, to take your words into account, to follow you on that road to trust in feelings once again. But he was under a pile of emotional garbage being so heavy, that he was having a hard time sorting it out for him to ever get out. He could see your hand extending to him, but it felt like he could barely reach out to you. However, for the first time in seven months, his guts were constantly vibrating ever since you were together, making him crave to cross the line and see where it would take him, just for a moment.

You rolled on the other side and looked at his broad back detoured by the rays of the moon that were piercing through his opened window and marrying lovingly with the artificial blue light.

"When would have been the right moment?" you asked in a hushed voice, curiosity and anticipation bubbling into your stomach.

"Later. Right now…"

"Right now?"

"Right now… I know what's going on here, but I just can't."

Your heart skipped a beat, and you stopped breathing for a few seconds, so that you wouldn't cut him in his random rant.

"I'm not a good man, right now. Not for you." He pursued.

"That is for me to decide, but once again, I didn't ask you out, I just tried to tell you-"

Jooheon suddenly flipped the other way around, the meeting of his face excruciating you with a renewal of your desire to kiss him, a need you had forgotten about while you had been talking, but that you couldn't ignore anymore. Not after understanding that he, too, felt that something was going on between the both of you.

"I just tried to tell you that I think you're someone worth being loved, in response to what you had said, that's all" you managed to finish between two shaky breaths.

He had had to look back at you to reassure himself that he was making the good choice by shutting his eyes and ears. He had had to look you in the eyes and make you get that he couldn't help being this way, even if he too was getting killed on the inside by his silenced needs to get some affection from a girl after a painful time being on his own. He was craving for your affection, because it was the only thing he knew he was missing now that you had brought him comfort, laughs, joy, peace and a little bit of confidence as your words rang into his head.

However, as your eyes danced between each other's pupils and lips for a little bit too long, you both got consumed by your temptation, and kissed.

You didn't really know who initiated the kiss first, was it you whose hands had found their place in his hair, or him whose bust ended up towering yours. The kiss was soft and slow at first, one deep pressure of your lips against one another, with your noses brushing ; but after retiring for a short time and searching each other's faces for any sign to stop that was obviously nowhere to be found, you soon kissed again more fervently, loud exhales coming from your nostrils and your heads changing angles for a better access.

You didn't know either if that was because of the rule this time, but kissing him became the top one of the favorite things you had ever done in your life. His lips melted against yours, their softness enchanting you as well as how filled they were, not missing any single inch of your mouth. But what was the most enjoyable, was all the chills you got all over again, but they were different from all the previous ones you had went under. Your head was spinning but not in the dizzy-way, more in a euphoric one, as if you were being transported into a time lapse where only you and him existed.

Jooheon felt it too, the magic, as well as the burning of your bodies, especially of your left hand that was lodged against his scalp. Only a few hours ago, he would've never thought that he would be kissing another woman in the bed he had used to share with her. He would've never thought that this would be possible when the day before he had been as depressed as usual and with his gaze looking at everything else but women he somehow despised.

But right now, because it was you, he had stopped thinking for a little while and followed his guts, and it felt good.

At one point, his right hand came to look for your left one, and the contact left you shivering, your life-line scorching but in a pleasing manner. His mouth turned away from yours and he kissed the sensitive spot, his lips reddening before the light, and the sight was utterly beautiful. You contemplated him in awe as he leaned his cheek into your palm, his eyes closed and his brows furrowed, as he was finally thinking back of what you had done all of a sudden.

"Look at how fucked up I am… Telling you A and doing B…" he murmured before hiding his face into your welcoming hand in embarrassment, and you smiled unbeknownst to him.

"Look at how fucked up I am… Liking a man who doesn't want me, again" you half-joked and he snapped his head towards you with a hurt expression painting his face.

"Do you want to make me feel worse? I didn't say-"

"No, I want you to stop thinking about what we're doing, for now, just like I am."

As if your words were similar to a magic formula thrown at him, Jooheon assaulted your lips once more, his hand landing over your head on the pillow and stroking your hair gently. The other went to grab and squeeze your waist as he pushed the kiss deeper, never having enough of it, of you.

"I don't deserve someone like you" he whispered against your lips, taking you with him as he laid on his side.

"Looks like even the law says otherwise" you smiled, passing your hands under his hoodie and top to caress his back.

You heard him hiss between gritted teeth as if you were triggering something powerful inside of him, but to your surprise, he didn't move and only told you with his mouth against the top of your head :

"Let's sleep. I'm exhausted, and for once in a while, I feel like I can finally get a good night of sleep."

* * *

You woke up to an empty bed and blurry memories of the past night, your brain only flashing you some images of you and Jooheon kissing and cuddling all night long between two dreams, but you were having a hard time remembering what you had exactly said to each other. You just knew, overall, that he was scared of dating again, yet the look he gave you as you entered the kitchen where he had been stirring coffee somehow looked… Enamored.

His sharp eyes literally melted at your sight and so did his heart, a signal that kissing you had just worsened the attraction he had had for you from your first meeting at the bar, and he caught you by surprise when he suddenly approached.

"Did you sleep well?" he asked with a hoarse voice as he stopped a few inches away from you only.

"What about the insomniac?" you interrogated him back, and he smiled fondly.

"I wish I had, but someone couldn't stop kissing or hugging me" he joked, and you rolled your eyes at him.

"As if I was the only one" you tsk-ed, and your heart contracted as he lifted his hands to cease your face and stroke your cheeks.

His hair had softened, the neat hairstyle long gone and letting place to messy strands naturally pulled at the back by his own gesture probably, and with the sun penetrating the room, they were tinted with more intense nuances. His face was glowing, and his body was no longer dissimulated under his hoodie, only for you to see the tank top marrying his well-built silhouette. You were appalled by this unreal vision, because no one should ever look this good after waking up, so you didn't notice how his expression translated the inner conflict he actually was in.

Because from the second he had woken up next to you – or more exactly with you in his arms –, Jooheon had been debating internally about what he was actually supposed to do next. He had spent the best night of his life after a long moment of feeling gloomy at that period of the day, and for the first time since the breakup, his heart was instantly warming up as he was staring at another girl.

He did have a thing for you, and how addictive kissing you had been confirmed it and had worsened it, but even if you had sounded reassuring and pretty convincing, his everyday fears no longer diminished by alcohol had come back at him at full force like a boomerang. It was as if he had taken one step further, but only to stumble two steps back, and he hated how torn he felt.

It was your hand that slid along his waist that shook him out of his somber thoughts, and this single contact put him on fire as well as it made him panic – that eternal battle. Still, the flames of passion won for a few seconds as he suddenly felt the urge not to push you away, but to kiss you, and he did so, with an applied pressure of his mouth against yours, before it went further than a good-morning-kiss and heated up, your arms engulfing him into a tight hug and his fingers suddenly losing themselves into your hair.

What did you make him do…

"I have to go, my colleagues sent me a message telling me we're having a company lunch to close and celebrate my first event… They even have some feedbacks to say to me" you regretted as you pulled back, and the feeling doubled as you saw Jooheon biting his lip.

"Sure, I'll walk you back to the door" he answered calmly, his hands finally leaving your face and freeing it from an intense heat.

"So… See you around?" you wondered as you turned on your heels once in the corridor, and you saw Jooheon gazing at you while leaning against the door frame.

And once again, you could read in his eyes his inner thoughts, telling you once again he was having a hard time bidding you goodbye just like the past night. You anticipated his answer after all the skepticism he had revealed towards the idea of getting too close to a girl ever again, but deep down you hoped that the skinship you had shared might have at least give him some kind of hesitation in your favor.

"See you, definitely." he then worded carefully, his lips turning into a smile that set off a sensation of bliss within your body, making you crave to steal a last kiss from them.

His eyes bore into yours confidently one last time before you parted ways, having been satisfied by his plausible change of mind or, at least, the second chance he was giving you before crossing your name out of his life.

* * *

One week. It took him only one week on his own to fall apart all over again, and to see no happy ending if he kept on meeting you.

He had believed in the last words he had told you with his eyes in yours, because back then, he had truly wished he would see you again soon, the sensation he got from being with you being pretty appealing and every time his eyes were meeting yours, you erased his doubts, only pushing his instinct buttons.

He had talked about you with his friends, who had been even more excited than him to see him finally let himself walk slowly but surely into the arms of a caring and sincere girl.

He had been the first one to message you later in the afternoon that day, and had enjoyed talking to you for days after ; but nothing could beat his anxiety once he was alone at night.

The fight had been feverish, as being pulled between "yes" and "no" was taking the best of him. This lingering hesitation whenever he had answered one of your messages, even when he liked doing so, had then been mostly telling him that he was still lacking confidence in him and in his capacities to start a new relationship serenely. And he couldn't do that to you, he couldn't deceive you and risk to hurt you sooner than what you could imagine.

So before he would have to do that once you would have gotten closer and closer, before things got out of hand, Jooheon decided to retreat without giving the both you a real chance.

You had been talking everyday after the night you had spent together, and it had given you the butterflies every time his name had popped up on your phone's screen. Your conversations were always really interesting, without any flirt being involved, just two people getting along really well to the point they could talk for hours non-stop.

This situation had turned into a constant ray of sun in your gloomy life, and you couldn't wait for your next encounter, without wanting to rush things. You were just wishing to go with the flow and let your feelings and guts take you where they would like you to, because up 'til now, it had worked out pretty well with him. You were so relaxed and confident about the natural unwinding of your relationship, that you had managed not to get too upset when you didn't receive some news from him for three days, telling yourself that he must have been busy or that he had his reasons.

Until you decided to reach out to him again randomly, just because you had been thinking of him.

You [11:19 p.m.] : Eating dumplings while working on my new project, not to make you jealous but look at how appetizing they are – [Picture]

Jooheon [04:04 a.m.] : Hi, I'm sorry that I didn't give you any news during the last few days. I'm pretty aware that this mustn't have been really nice as we've been talking a lot, but I needed some time to think. Right now, I don't think I'm capable of getting engaged in whatever relationship that would get further than what we actually have. I'm not ready to date someone, and I don't want to give you false hopes. I feel this urgent need to run away now that I'm getting closer to you. I'm getting scared, and I can't help questioning my doings. It is still quite hard for me to perfectly explain why, I'm trying to find how to resolve this problem, but this is a pretty difficult task to do. You know the biggest part of it, but I'm truly sorry Y/N, I'm not fixed at all so this won't work. I don't wish for you to understand my sudden change when I've been showing you a confident side of me, but I just didn't want to leave you in the dark. Sorry, again, I know who I am for you but I can't. Take care.

To be continued....

A/N : This is pretty long, I hope you had a great time reading! Part 2 will be more intense, I’m starting to write it!

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the-ice-sculpture · 6 years ago

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Thoughts on Sanrion

Sanrion isn’t as inevitable a thing as Braime or Gendra is/has been but there’s still potential evidence that it’s been the works for a long time coming. None of what I’m saying is new, I’m just using this as an excuse to vent my thoughts.

From the beginning both the show and books made a point of emphasising how Ned and Catelyn built their love stone by stone, despite not being each other’s first choice (or even choice at all). Thematically, it’d make sense if this comes full circle by being repeated for the ending. Sansa is the Stark who most resembles her mother, who most mirrors her mother - only Sansa has the potential to be even more fierce and (is already more) politically savvy. If Sansa was to end up marrying anyone else, it’d make the most structural sense as a story if her marriage mirrored that of her mother and father’s - if she married somebody she did not initially like and if together they both decided to build their marriage.

Since a large portion of Sansa’s character arc revolves around her loss of naivety and overcoming romanticised notions of handsome valiant knights and princes, if she was to end up with someone then it’d be the most satisfying if she ends up choosing someone who is in no way conventionally attractive and doesn’t hold up to the idealised dreams of future matches she had as a young girl. Tyrion is the epitome of someone who is in no sense conventionally attractive and he’s one of the few characters outside her family who she has a long history with who is also high born. Tyrion is the only character in King’s Landing (debatably except from The Hound and Margery Tyrell) who shows her any kindness without having any ulterior motive and he’s also from a house that’s despised by her family. So, yeah, Tyrion fits the bill.

Sansa’s so used to people valuing her for what her name brings them because she is the key to the North. For years no one outside her family valued her for her and instead she’s faced an onslaught of suitors and people trying to make matches for her based on what her name and title would bring them. This is common amongst the highborn girls in Westeros but happens far more than would be considered normal to Sansa. In a political sense, she’s been traded and promised like a piece of meat. One of the most powerful things she can do now is to make her own decisions and choose what - or who - she wants for herself.

Tyrion has the opposite problem to Sansa. Instead of being fought over like a piece of meat, all his potential suitors are either repulsed or offended by the offer of a match with him. A match with him would be a punishment, as far as they’re concerned. For most of Tyrion’s story, all the people Tyrion socialises with are paid to be in his company. No one chooses Tyrion. In the show, Tyrion doesn’t know Tysha wasn’t paid by Jaime and has no idea she voluntarily chose him as a romantic partner. Whenever Tyrion accomplishes something great someone else gets all the credit and praise. Whenever something goes badly, whether or not Tyrion had anything to do with it, he gets blame or accusations. Tyrion is constantly undervalued despite his incredible assets and competence. This only changed when Daenerys named him her hand. But in terms of his value as a marital partner, from Tyrion’s own perspective, no one has chosen him.

You see where I’m going with this? Sansa has experienced too many people fighting over her for her name. Sansa now has the freedom and power to make her own choices. Tyrion is used to being undervalued and is the person no one voluntarily chooses... If only there was a solution that would satisfy both these criteria.

Personality wise, they’re also a very good match even though the age difference isn’t ideal. Tyrion is one of the few people who can make Sansa genuinely laugh and smile. Tyrion treats her gently and wishes to protect her and curses himself for not being strong enough to always be able to. His intentions and the way he treats her (definitely more so in the show rather than the books) actually read as genuinely chivalrous (see all the hand to hand contact they have). In an interesting twist, Tyrion in some ways reflects Sansa’s old romantic ideas, only they come from someone she never expected such chivalry to come from (or even someone she would’ve expected to want such chivalry to come from). But Sansa could have both. Sansa could both have someone who treats her as she wants to be treated as well as someone who represents how much she has grown as a person. Because, honestly, at this stage the last things Sansa cares about is how handsome someone is or how valiant they are. Sansa wants those she cares about to stay loyal and stay alive.

Politically, Sansa and Tyrion are also a good match. A Lannister and Stark choosing to be together would be a poetic end, given all the blood between their houses. And as many people have pointed out, the War of the Roses (which GoT is loosely inspired by) ended with the two opposing houses marrying. Sansa’s one of the very few characters on the show who can keep up with him and he saw her potential from the beginning. In the crypts, they choose to hold hands, to face the threat together, and in the heat of all that they even had a tender moment with Tyrion kissing her hand. After all the intense eye-contact of that scene, how they brought up their marriage even before that scene happened, and after everything that’s been left unsaid between them, it’d be a bit strange if this development in their relationship doesn’t lead to anything more. Due to the sheer terror of the situation, I really don’t think Sansa was manipulating him here. We only see Sansa manipulate people she sees as potential threats and people who’ve wronged her in the past and Tyrion is neither of these things.

There’s also the bonus of the potential beautiful irony of Sansa and Tyrion being happily married enraging Cersei and Tywin Lannister from beyond the grave.

So in terms of coherent storytelling, having Sansa and Tyrion renew their wedding vows could work very well, so long as they both choose it and aren’t forced into it. There’s even a possibility of it being the ‘sweet’ part of the ‘bittersweet’ ending we’ve been hearing so much about. The GoT universe is so dark that their relationship could provide a delicate contrast, particularly given the history of these two characters and everything they’ve been through.

The time they’ve spent apart has actually been very healthy for the possibility of them deciding to be together. It’s given Sansa a chance to mature on her own, to grow and become a woman and learn lessons by herself. They’ve both had long journeys where they’ve formed their own new alliances and have learned so much along the way. The absence of each other means they’re not used to being forced together. During this time, in the show Tyrion abstained from sex which surprised him more than anyone else. The show made Sansa experience the worst kind of match she could possibly have had with Ramsey, who was a huge contrast to Tyrion’s promise that he’ll never share her bed unless she wants him to (and I hope there’ll be a throwback to that line with these two). Given both their trauma, it’s a very delicate area to navigate around but these two have the potential to work together to achieve it if it’s what they desire.

But here’s the part that makes me not so optimistic: all the ominous foreshadowing revolving around Tyrion. Because Sansa’s chances of survival seem far greater than Tyrion’s at the moment. Sansa’s learned so much and now is one of the cleverest characters on the show but Tyrion... I just don’t know if he’ll make it out alive. I think if he makes it out alive then they have a genuine chance together. But all the not so subtle hints of Daenerys becoming increasingly displeased with him as well as the conversations about betrayal he’s had with Daenerys and Varys suggest Tyrion’s going to have a hard time getting away unscathed. (Given how I’m sure Sansa’s role is going to become more important in the world of politics, I’m desperately hoping she could help him out of a tough spot somehow in a plot twist.)

My ideal ending for Tyrion and Sansa would be for Sansa to be Queen of the North and for Tyrion to be her hand. I don’t see Sansa wanting to leave Winterfell or her family ever again. I don’t see her changing her name from Stark to anything else either, even if she does remarry. Tyrion loves playing the game and almost being killed over it hasn’t put him off in the past. He has no objections to supporting a queen, despite Westerosi misogyny. Sansa has learned to play the game and play it well. Together, they’re the ultimate political power couple. Tyrion has more years of experience but Sansa knows the North and she also covers Tyrion’s blind spots (like about there being no chance of Cersei sending her army north). King’s Landing also holds certain complications for Tyrion, given his history there and the treatment from his family, Shae, and the city’s citizens.

And I haven’t even touched upon how these two already started to build up a foundation of trust while they were in King’s Landing... Ugh. There’s so much to say with these two. I’m sure I’ll start thinking of more stuff I should’ve included here after I’ve posted this. I’ve no idea how it’s gonna go down, either tragically or sweetly or neither of the two.

Anyway... Fingers crossed.

#sanrion #game of thrones spoilers #my posts #meta

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upthehillart · 7 years ago

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My answers to the Harry Potter Ask Game! *:・ﾟ✧

Hope I didn’t miss anyone! :) Thank you for asking, this was a lot of fun!!! <333

Dobby: Who are you most loyal to? Hm... I’d say myself first of all, even though me and I have a very love-hate relationship, mostly hate :D but umm, I guess I’m most loyal to my family, particularly my mom, grandmother, brother, and my partner :)

Sirius Black: Have you ever been accused of doing something you didn't do? I have, one instance in particular was extremely uncomfortable and didn’t end well (I mean now I’m glad it happened but at that time it was horrible), but that’s one of the most personal, private stories I have so I’m sorry I cannot share <3

Hedwig: If you went to Hogwarts, what kind of pet would you bring? (ex: cat, owl, rat, frog) Cat!!!!!

Remus Lupin: If you transform into any one animal or creature, which one would it be? Hmm... probably some bird? That’d be lovely :) OR some land animal that’s relatively small, pretty fast, strong when they have to be, good at camouflage and hiding... So what fits this criteria? A badger? :D Is this the ultimate confirmation of my Hufflepuff identity? :D It better be!

Draco Malfoy: Is it better to be feared or to be loved? Oh easy :) I cannot even stand the idea of somebody being afraid of me.

Harry Potter: Tell us about a scar on your body. I don’t have anything interesting with a cool story, I just have a few boring leftover chicken pox scars, an iron burn scar (lol), a little scar at the bottom of my chin from tripping on the sidewalk on my first day to kindergarten (i’ve always been a loser haha) and a few random cuts on my finger and forearm and elbow, I don’t even remember how they got there :D

Neville Longbottom: Tell us an embarrassing story. Does my whole life count? :D It’s funny how long it took me to think of an answer actually, I involuntarily think about all of my embarassed moments all the time, but now that I’m asked this question, it took me a lot of thinking to remember something :D I mean there was one short film competition I participated in as a teen, I was ambitious but very inexperienced, so after my video was played during the festival in front of the audience and the panel of judges, everyone literally started laughing because it was so fucking terrible :D It’s kind of funny now, but at that moment I wanted to disappear from the universe forever, I didn’t expect such a harsh reaction and I was very embarrassed. Plus I don’t handle failure that well so yeah, it hit me pretty bad :D But I’m over it of course, I’m a legit videographer now, I’m glad that moment didn’t stop me from continuing to pursue my dream :)

Narcissa Malfoy: Do you have a good relationship with your family? Who are you closest to? Yes, I think so :) I’m bad at showing affection but I love them very much :) And I’m closest to either my grandmother, she’s like my spiritual guide or something, always there for me and I love her so much, or to my younger brother, there’s nobody I care about as much as I care about him. They’re both very very important in my life because my grandmother is who is there for me, and my brother is who I am there for :’)

Dobby: Who are you most loyal to? (already answered and copy pasted) Hm... I’d say myself first of all, even though me and I have a very love-hate relationship, mostly hate :D but umm, I guess I’m most loyal to my family, particularly my mom, grandmother, brother, and my partner :)

Arthur Weasley: What do you think is the best "muggle" invention? Printing press :) Everything we value today started with that.

Severus Snape: Are you a trustworthy person? Yes, I genuinely think I am :)

Answered a few asks above! <3

Remus Lupin: If you transform into any one animal or creature, which one would it be? (already answered and copy pasted) Hmm... probably some bird? That’d be lovely :) OR some land animal that’s relatively small, pretty fast, strong when they have to be, good at camouflage and hiding... So what fits this criteria? A badger? :D Is this the ultimate confirmation of my Hufflepuff identity? :D It better be!

Aunt Petunia: What is your favorite flower? White tulips :) I remember sitting in my grandmother’s backyard as a kid, I just sat there enjoying the weather, and I looked at the white tulips growing nearby and I stared at them forever, loving them so much, and I said to myself, “this is the most beautiful flower in the world.” It still is :)

Molly Weasley: What is the proudest moment of your life? It’s not a very interesting answer but I guess getting into college :) I’m from Europe and I applied to the United States just to try my chances, just for “what if,” I did not expect to actually get in to my very top choice university AND be offered a full tuition scholarship. It was something I was afraid to even dream of, but it happened, and it makes me feel both very proud of myself and very fortunate :)

Lily Potter: What color eyes do you have? My eyes are of that weird color, neither blue nor green, kinda dark and greyish, really hard to describe :D

Cho Chang: If you were on the Quidditch team, what position would you play? First of all, I don’t know what in the world would make me join a Quidditch team :D Like I probably would have to have my family held hostage or something for me to actually be forced into Quidditch :D haha but if I were playing Quidditch, I’d go with Seeker.

Mr. Ollivander: What would your wand look like? Very simple, straight, smooth, easy to grip so it’s comfortable and doesn’t hurt my fingers, either clean black or looking like very old wood, and maybe with a little gem somewhere, a stone that has some significance to me, like a birthstone or something so that it serves like an amulet :)

Harry Potter: Tell us about a scar on your body. (already answered and copy pasted) I don’t have anything interesting with a cool story, I just have a few boring leftover chicken pox scars, an iron burn scar (lol), a little scar at the bottom of my chin from tripping on the sidewalk on my first day to kindergarten (i’ve always been a loser haha) and a few random cuts on my finger and forearm and elbow, I don’t even remember how they got there :D

Hermione Granger: What is your favorite book, how many times have you read it, and why do you love it? I mean it’s a boring answer but the Harry Potter series x) I’m not a reader, I don’t have much to choose from, so naturally HP is the most meaningful to me :) I’ve only read it twice (I read it in 2015 for the first time), and honestly it kind of changed my life? It inspired me to learn to write and to draw and to be creative, it led me to meeting new people (like my best friend) and learning a lot about myself and about the world.. I’ve changed so much since reading the books :)

Ron Weasley: Something you're afraid of? (Heads up it’s gonna be dark) Shame, failure, poverty, pain, losing my mind, and dying, or rather having my family suffer, because I don’t care about dying but I cannot stand the idea of my family grieving.

Aunt Petunia: What is your favorite flower? (already answered and copy pasted) White tulips :) I remember sitting in my grandmother’s backyard as a kid, I just sat there enjoying the weather, and I looked at the white tulips growing nearby and I stared at them forever, loving them so much, and I said to myself, “this is the most beautiful flower in the world.” It still is :)

Draco Malfoy: Is it better to be feared or to be loved? (already answered and copy pasted) Oh easy :) I cannot even stand the idea of somebody being afraid of me.

Voldemort: If you were to create a Horcrux(s), what would it be and why? I actually don’t know... I would want it to be meaningful, like Voldemort did, but I don’t really think I have anything like that. Well I mean I do have a gemstone amulet, so maybe that, but I can’t think of anything else besides it.

Answered right above!

Ron Weasley: Something you're afraid of? (already answered and copy pasted) (Heads up it’s gonna be dark) Shame, failure, poverty, pain, losing my mind, and dying, or rather having my family suffer, because I don’t care about dying but I cannot stand the idea of my family grieving.

Rubeus Hagrid: What is your favorite mystical creature? I actually don’t think I have one! :) Probably because, when it comes to fiction, I prefer realistic over fantasy :) I want to say werewolf but really I just care about Remus only :D

Professor Sprout: What is your favourite class that is offered at Hogwarts? I think Arithmancy is really cool, I’m into maths and Numerology and Astrology and things like that, so Arithmancy would be my jam :D I also like Charms! :)

Lucius Malfoy: What is your most prized possession? If we’re talking about material possessions, then probably my photo albums I made from the time I lived in Thailand and from different trips I’ve taken so far :) There’s one huge section with photos from my trip to Harry Potter Universal Studios in Orlando, it was literally the best time of my life :D so I really care about never losing that album and those memories!

Voldemort: If you were to create a Horcrux(s), what would it be and why? (already answered and copy pasted) I actually don’t know... I would want it to be meaningful, like Voldemort did, but I don’t really think I have anything like that. Well I mean I do have a gemstone amulet, so maybe that, but I can’t think of anything else besides it.

Hermione Granger: What is your favorite book, how many times have you read it, and why do you love it? (already answered and copy pasted) I mean it’s a boring answer but the Harry Potter series x) I’m not a reader, I don’t have much to choose from, so naturally HP is the most meaningful to me :) I’ve only read it twice (I read it in 2015 for the first time), and honestly it kind of changed my life? It inspired me to learn to write and to draw and to be creative, it led me to meeting new people (like my best friend) and learning a lot about myself and about the world.. I’ve changed so much since reading the books :)

Molly Weasley: What is the proudest moment of your life? (already answered and copy pasted) It’s not a very interesting answer but I guess getting into college :) I’m from Europe and I applied to the United States just to try my chances, just for “what if,” I did not expect to actually get in to my very top choice university AND be offered a full tuition scholarship. It was something I was afraid to even dream of, but it happened, and it makes me feel both very proud of myself and very fortunate :)

Both of them answered right above! <3

Ginny Weasley: Have you ever been in love with an unexpected person? All the people I’ve ever had a crush on or loved were unexpected :) I wouldn’t like that person from the first impression (I would literally treat them cold because I simply disliked them this much lol), but then I would fall in love once I get to know them and get comfortable with them.

Peter Pettigrew: Are you a leader or a follower? Tough one because it’s something I cannot answer to myself x) I do often have an urge to lead, normally when I feel very strongly about what I think should be done, but I think I’m more valuable as a follower, I’m good at listening to others and doing my best to complete my tasks :)

Argus Filch: What's the worst job you've ever had? I’ve only had three jobs in my life, and all of them were pretty okay, especially the recent ones, so I don’t have an answer! :)

Nymphadora Tonks: If you could change one thing about your appearance what would it be? I’ve grown to love myself and all the little things I used to dislike, but one thing I’m still annoyed about is that I think my body is a little disproportionate, by that I mean my feet, hands/fingers, and my head are a little bit small in comparison to how tall I am :D And I’m not making it up, I’ve had other people tell that to me too :D I’m not exactly chubby, just generally a big woman hahah but my feet, hands, and head look kinda small for a body like this :D It’s not a big deal or anything, even kinda funny when saying it aloud, but if I could change it (preferrably become shorter/smaller) with a snap of my skinny ass fingers, I probably would :D

Lavender Brown: Who is the last person who texted and have you ever had a crush on them? That’d be my best friend, my bae Shelby ( @shewhomustnotbenamed ), but no, haven’t had a crush on her! But also like, I love her she’s my wife my bae I’m gay for her will u bear my children shelby????????? .....so... :D #bffgoals

Aw thank you so much, glad to be back! :)

Cedric Diggory: Have you ever had a near death experience? I did get very sick as a kid and stayed in the hospital for a long time, but I don’t think it counts as a near death experience :)

Severus Snape: Are you a trustworthy person? (already answered and copy pasted) Yes, I genuinely think I am :)

Arthur Weasley: What do you think is the best "muggle" invention? (already answered and copy pasted) Printing press :) Everything we value today started with that.

Dolores Umbridge: Make a list of rules that your family (or whoever you choose) would have to follow if you made the rules. I would love it to be the rule for my boyfriend to make sure we never run out of ice cream and roasted seaweed. That’s all that’s important to me :D

(Cute art btw! <3)

Love you too!

#upthehillask #ask meme #personal

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transamorousnetwork · 5 years ago

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How I Know My Reality Is Getting Better And Better

Things happening in my life is how I know my stories make my life better and better. Coming on the heels of the previous story, the following true story is further proof. Further proof how The Transamorous Network approach literally makes things happen with me barely lifting a finger.

In that previous post I wrote about seeing a transgender woman a second time, with no effort on my part. I used this to show why we guarantee our approach works. You can easily meet your match. No matter your criteria. No matter the circumstances.

That's what's happening in my life. It can happen in yours too.

This next experience happened just two weeks ago. It shows how the Universe answers every desire. The path it creates though is never direct. It curves all over the place.

That's because we're always adding more to what we want. And every thing added is being organized by us to be realized by us. That's why I know I already have everything I want. Even though it looks like I don't right now.

But "right now" is the past. It's not the present. The minute "right now" happens, it's old news.

So it looks like I don't have these things "right now" because "right now" has manifestED. The NOW is a manifestING PROCESS. It's always manifestING. In the manifestING NOW, I have all I want. It only takes a while for it to become manifestED.

If I get impatient about that, it takes longer. I can explain why. I've already done so in our guides for Transamorous Men and Transgender Women. But it's too detailed to explain here.

So it takes longer to manifest things in physical reality. In nonphysical, in that manifestING place, things happen immediately. And what is manifestING MUST eventually become manifestED. That's just how life works.

So I know it's only a matter of time before everything I want becomes my physical reality. How do I know it's happening? Experiences like the one you're about to read.

Incredible Outcomes Indicate More Incredible Outcomes Are On The Way

Before I share what happened, here's some context. What happened was cool. But if you don't have the context, you won't understand it.

I now have a bridging job. I call it that because it bridges stories I've told a long time with stories I'm replacing them with. To explain...

I have believed, like a lot of people - nearly everyone actually - that money shows up in my bank account when I do something to "earn it".

That's not the only way money can show up though. There are infinite ways money can show up in my bank account.

For example, there are people who inherit money. There are people who win lotteries. There are people who steal money and get away with that. There are people who find money. There are people other people give money to for no apparent reason. There are people who's money comes from interest and investing.

So there are a lot of people experiencing money flowing into their bank accounts. And that flow is not tied to what they do.

My stories about money match stories the majority of us tell. Like others, I've told this story so long, it has a lot of momentum. Creating and living a reality matching a new story is possible.

But not right away. That's because my old stories have a lot of momentum. I know because I've tried over the last four years to live differently. That didn't work. My old story momentum is too strong.

So I've taken this bridging job so I’ll stop adding more resistance/power to my old story, which is what I was doing by trying to live a different story into my reality.

Like our clients, I'm always learning. And always will be learning.

This bridging job came in a way consistent with creating my reality. That's another story too. One I will write about. Suffice it to say I didn't have to do anything to get the job. It literally came to me. And, my Inner Being has told me over and over that this job is exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Meeting that transgender woman I wrote about last time, and the way it happened confirms this. So does what happened two weeks ago. So much good stuff is happening relative to this job, that I know this job is on the path to all I want.

Ok. That's the context.

· · ·

So here I am, at my bridging job. I'm preparing to go on a route when another guy asks to ride with me. He does the same job I do. Sometimes our dispatcher pairs people.

So this guy, I'll call him "Guy", and I pair up. We prep my van. Then we head out.

Turns out Guy believes in the power of stories. He also coaches others on using clinical techniques to change people's lives. I didn't know this about him. But that was a nice surprise.

We spend the day connecting over this and other things we have in common. We both enjoy the work we're doing. We both enjoy practicing positivity. We both enjoy napping in parks. ☺️ We both have other things going on. Things larger than this job we enjoy. We both know life is an adventure. We both have strong spiritual practices.

Midway through the work day, Guy tells me he's enjoying working with me. The feeling is mutual.

Guy asks me about what I do when I'm not at work. I tell him about Copiosis and Positively Focused.

Then I tell him about The Transamorous Network. As I'm talking his eyes light up. He's rapt while I'm telling about it.

When I finish, Guy says "Perry, I'm a trans guy."

Now I knew this about him. But didn't want to say anything. Was I surprised? Yes.

And no.

Think about this. I'm telling more and more stories about affiliating with the transgender community, about wanting a person who is a match to my desires. And here I've spent my entire day with a transgender person! On my job! The job my Inner Being said was perfect for me!

Not only did we spend the day together, we share many things we mutually believe in.

This doesn't mean Guy is one of my matches. He's not someone I'm gonna date. I want a transgender WOMAN after all. But he represents my unfolding path to the person I want.

I know life is not a straight line to my fulfilled desire. It's a roundabout adventure.

I know I'm not supposed to get everything I want all at once. That would be overwhelming. Imagine if all the transgender women I would meet in this life showed up right now!

That wouldn't be fun at all, really.

It's much more fun watching as my Personal Trinity puts together events like this all-day get-together, in ways I couldn't organize myself. I know it's all happening -- Sarah from two weeks ago, "Guy" from this week, the other transgender woman I chatted with on the bus the other day, but didn't write about, the media interviews I'm doing more of lately, and whatever else might come next. It's all for the sheer enjoyment of the unfolding.

Not for the end result!

So Guy isn't the one. I mean he is a match in the sense he matches many of my stories. That's great news. It's great news because if Guy is this close of a match, imagine what my transgender woman match will be!

Guy is a signpost along the way to her. Guy showing up in my life is like the Universe saying "here's evidence you're on the right track. Congrats. Keep up the good work!"

Just as Jeannette was in the last post. Just as was the trans woman I chatted with briefly on the bus the other day. It's all evidence my stories are changing.

And here's the stupendous news: I know if one story's evidence shows up, that means, all my new stories are in play too. Everything happens simultaneously.

So I know my story about money flowing into my bank account without me having to do anything to have that happen is becoming real. I know it's becoming real because this story about my transgender lover is unfolding in tangible, satisfying ways.

This is how it works folks!

Let me be more clear: Meeting Guy, spending all day with him, enjoying the connection and having so much in common with him tells me I'm headed in the right direction. A direction where I'll spend all day with, enjoy the connection with, and have so much in common with her. The transgender woman who matches me as much and more as Guy does.

And, all that will coincide with an event, where my bank account fills with money.

On the way to all that, I'm having fun enjoying my right now.

· · ·

There's more to the story of course.

Guy then asks if The Transamorous Network would ever expand its work to help trans people become more comfortable in their skin.

The short answer is: yes.

The longer answer is of course. Until a person is comfortable in their skin, i.e. telling stories of self acceptance, self love and worthiness, they can't meet their ideal partner.

If I want a person who is confident; someone happy in themselves; a strong and capable person, a happy person, that person can only be mine if I feel that way about me.

I have to be a match to that. That's the only way I can have that.

Of course that is what The Transamorous Network helps people with. We help others learn how to do what I'm doing.

Guy asked me for my contact information. He said he wanted it for when he meets transgender women. He asked whether I prefer non-op, pre-op or post-Op women. I think he's thinking about matching me with someone. Why else would he ask such questions?

I know one of the ways the Universe brings my match into my life will be through people I already know. Since Guy shares many of the same things I believe in, and since he sees and knows a lot of transgender people, there's a good chance something may come of this.

But that's not why I'm happy about having met Guy. Guy is a cool person. It's fun to think about him being a friend. It's cool to have him as a co worker. It's cool working with him.

And, he's an exceptional indicator that my stories, my new stories, are shaping for me a new reality. One in which everything I want is.

Seems something significant is happening every week now. I like that pace. And I know it's going to get better and better. The evidence is how I know.

#transgender #transisbeautiful #girlslikeus #t4m #mtf positivity #pre op mtf #transamorous network #transamorous #Tgirl #transgirl

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abcnewsgathering-blog · 8 years ago

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PEER SUPPORTERS LEARN HOW TO HELP COLLEAGUES AFFECTED BY TRAUMATIC NEWS EVENTS

(The ABC Peer Supporter and Trauma awareness workshop - Photo: Natasha Johnson)

When news teams are affected by covering a traumatic event, their colleagues have an important role to play in providing support. For more than a decade, the ABC has run a Peer Support program and trained 65 leaders around the country in how to help workmates deal with trauma and build resilience.

By Natasha Johnson

Over 40 years working as a journalist, Philip Williams has seen a lot of bad things. ABC News’ Chief Foreign Correspondent has covered numerous wars and natural disasters, witnessed plenty of horror and grief, and been on high risk assignments where his safety was threatened. He is one of the ABC’s finest journalists, highly respected and deeply admired, the kind of reporter we all aspire to be.

(Chief Foreign Correspondent Philip Williams reporting under fire in Ukraine - Photo: ABC News)

When reporting from the scene of some terrible event, Phil Williams always seems to have it together, calm under pressure, conveying with authority and sensitivity the gravity of the story, the scale of the suffering. So it was a shock to see him being interviewed on screen, tearful, his voice breaking, stopping mid-answer to compose himself as he described how one of those awful stories traumatised him and triggered an explosion of misplaced anger at his 12 year old daughter.

(Front: Canberra based camera operator Matt Roberts and Queensland journalist Kathy McLeish among the Peer Supporters attending the workshop - Photo: Natasha Johnson)

Phil Williams was speaking in a trauma awareness video shown during a training workshop for 18 new recruits to the ABC’s Peer Support Program. Phil is one of the program’s leaders. The story that rocked him was the 2004 Beslan school siege, in Russia, in which 300 people, mostly children, were brutally murdered by Chechen separatists.

(Philip Williams covering the Beslan school siege - Photo: ABC News)

PHIL WILLIAMS: “Beslan was for me so horrific because it had two elements. It involved children and I’m a father and there is a special significance where you are a parent. You really are appalled by any sense of cruelty to any children, it’s a universal reaction. And the other element of it was that there was personal danger. There was a lot of gunfire, mortar fire. We were scared, we were scared for our lives at certain points. That’s a heightened experience and that for me combined pure horror at what was happening and pure terror at a personal level.

It affected me at the time and there was a delayed reaction, but even up to a year later my family would tell me I was quite different. I was angry, I wasn’t my cheerful self. I was snappy with them, definitely changed. And I remember one particular incident….

…. One incident with my daughter, when I was sitting at the computer at home. She came up behind me, a 12 year old girl, and just playfully grabbed me from behind and said ‘boo’. And I just grabbed her hand and yelled at her and said “don’t ever do that again”. I really just screamed at her, completely out of character. She was shocked. She ran upstairs and was so frightened she just hid under the blankets in her bed. And I knew that I’d stepped over a line there, that this had really affected me more than I had thought.”

(ABC Trauma Awareness video)

Interviewed alongside Phil, was a senior journalist who sat through Rosie Batty’s heart-rending interview about the murder of her son Luke and was so upset by it she asked to be taken off the story the next day; an experienced camera operator who covered two horrific bus crashes close together and was haunted by the glimpse of a row of bodies under a tarpaulin; and a young news control operator who recorded uncensored international feeds of the MH17 disaster and suffered weekly nightmares about plane crashes.

What was striking about these interviews was that these were all highly competent and respected members of the news team. The message was clear - it can happen to the best of us.

And essentially that’s what the Peer Support Program is about: tapping into the experience of those who’ve been there to educate colleagues about the potential impact of trauma, how to deal with any impact in a constructive way and how to build resilience so they can keep doing their job.

(Managing Director of Dart Center Asia Pacific Cait McMahon speaking about trauma and resilience - Photo: Natasha Johnson)

Cait McMahon, from the Dart Center for Journalism and Trauma, set up the Peer Support Program and has worked with the ABC for 12 years in developing it.

“It is important that news organisations understand that resilience research shows that social support is one of the most important factors in enhancing and maintaining resilience when experiencing the negative effects of traumatic exposure. The Peer Support Program is an organised form of social support,” says Cait McMahon.

“We also know that the majority of people don’t access counselling, and sometimes don’t necessarily need it. What is needed in the main is the opportunity to talk to someone who has ‘walked the walk and talks the talk’. Someone who understands what it’s like to cover things like car crashes, domestic violence, natural disasters and genocide. If counselling is needed, the peer supporter is skilled to suggest a referral to that next step.”

(Trauma and Resilience Manager Erin Noordeloos - Photo: Natasha Johnson)

The ABC’s Trauma and Resilience Manager Erin Noordeloos, in conjunction with Cait McMahon, conducted an extensive evaluation of all volunteers, who submitted a written application, with endorsement from a colleague, and were also interviewed.

“The ABC is committed to investing in peer support across all divisions. It is an integral part of the ABC Trauma and Resilience Program,” says Erin Noordeloos.

“Each Peer Support Leader demonstrates values of empathy, confidentiality, respect and self-determination. By ensuring that our peer support leaders are assessed against these criteria, as part of the recruitment process, demonstrates how seriously we take our duty of care as an organisation in supporting our colleagues. The workshop built on these values, providing access to tools and techniques to assist colleagues in a professional, and responsive manner. Peer support leaders are not counsellors or psychologists, but educated ‘listening ears’, who understand and can apply psychological first aid. The spread of staff, from operational roles, radio roles, regional areas, journalists and management areas is important. We now have over 65 peer support leaders across the country and will continue to build on this.”

ABC staff can access contact details for Peer Support Leaders on the intranet here.

(Peer supporters are drawn from across the country.)

Over two days of training, we learnt about the difference between trauma and stress, the range of ways people respond to trauma, how to communicate with and support a colleague affected by a traumatic story, the limits of that support, the range of professional counselling services available through the ABC and the critical importance of trust and confidentiality.

We were warned against trying to be a ‘fixer’ - just be a good listener. This point was driven home very effectively via a hilarious video ‘It’s not about the nail’ featuring a woman complaining about pressure and pain in her head, who gets angry with her partner when he keeps suggesting maybe she should just remove the nail sticking out of her forehead! All she wants him to do is listen! (This is worth watching if you’re a parent of a teenager who rolls their eyes every time you offer some ‘helpful advice’!)

(Peer supporters practice their listening skills - Photo: Natasha Johnson)

One of the biggest fears many staff have about reaching out for help is that doing so will hurt their career prospects, they’ll be regarded as not up to the job they love. But Phil Williams and many others have shown otherwise. More than a decade since the Beslan school siege, Phil continues to travel the world, covering the big stories, often distressing ones, but now with a greater understanding of the toll they can take and how to bounce back.

PHIL WILLIAMS: “I think it’s really important that we get our senior people to acknowledge that bad things happen, that we are human and that we’re just as vulnerable as any other member of the community. We should take it seriously because otherwise we are sort of setting ourselves apart, we’re sort of saying actually being a journalist somehow magically makes you bullet proof and it doesn’t.”

(ABC Trauma Awareness video)

More stories about Trauma and Peer Support.

Click here to return to the Back Story home page and catch up on stories from the past four years on our archive page.

#philip williams #trauma #resilience #cait mcmahon #erin noordeloos #peer support #training #from the training desk #covering traumatic events

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imkipsy · 8 years ago

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I swiped right on everyone on Tinder (yes, everyone)

I previously began this project in my first year of college, I was 18 and beginning my studies as a theatre/biology double major at The Ohio State University. Shortly after reaching 1500 matches, I began to fear for my safety, and aborted the social experiment right after the beginning of my second semester. Now, being in my third year and two years older, I thought it would be a good idea to restart my project in hopes of gathering information on interesting people and (maybe) even finding someone I like. I am a seasoned user of Tinder, averaging about seven dates, two casual hookups, and even a couple of possible relationships. I am starting this article at the milestone of my 2000th like, a phrase I never thought I would be writing in a Word document while sitting on my mother’s couch. And yes, I swiped right on EVERYONE, minus a select few who were maybe going to compromise my safety (exes, past abusers, etc.). After almost a month of the project, I feel the need to talk about my findings and what this could possibly mean for the future of casual dating.

This project revival began just before the new year of 2017 after a stimulating conversation with my roommate about crazy dates and exes (Tinder or otherwise). I had been an on/off Tinder user for about 2 years, only rendering it useless when I was monogamous or having one of my “independent woman who don’t need no man” emotional bouts. My roommate, on the other hand, was a more recent victim of the hells of Tinder; finding it tough to convince herself to keep using the app for the chance of clicking with someone. We discussed writing a Tinder episode for a small show we were collaborating on outside of our academics, a project we were using to showcase the actuality of college life. This was the catalyst for both of us remaking both of our profiles and PAYING for Tinder Plus. We both signed up for a month membership, offering us a whole slew of new options for the app, like boosts during peak hours and unlimited likes. We decided to make hyperbolic versions of ourselves, seeing how much a man could handle before questioning his swipe decision. Our pictures featured tasteful cleavage and good angles, all necessary for reeling in ~the perfect man~. My bio read, “0 in the pink, 5 in the stink”, a phrase that I do not remember the source of, but seemed fitting for this version of Kelsey. I also had my preferences set to “men and women” since I am a bisexual woman, but none of the women bothered me. My roommate’s bio said, “hit me with the shocker”, so let’s just say that we were not setting ourselves up for success. We began swiping and found ourselves reeling in the instant gratification and validation in our attractiveness as women. The only song that was completely applicable at this point was “It’s Raining Men” by The Weather Girls (I wish they made more music). We were quickly up to 500 matches after a few hours, and the messages were flowing in so fast that we had to put our phones on “Do Not Disturb”. Some of my messages were questioning the whole anal fisting thing, many others were ultimately willing and on board to participate in a night of intimate annihilation. However, most the messages were duds like “hey” or “wyd” BUT I have included some mighty fine gems here for your satisfaction.

Let me just say up front, I matched with some real creeps, like people you see on the street and think “this person looks like they might murder me” or “I am getting a very strange vibe from you so I am hoping you can hear my thoughts and hear me say, you look lovely today!!”. People on campus began to recognize me; sometimes I would walk to class only to read a message 20 minutes later saying:

This began to make me paranoid; these men recognized me, but I would not be able to pick any of them out of a lineup. I walked around campus, locking eyes with people on my way to class and wondering if they knew me. My roommate had ceased her part of the project after beginning to feel freaked out by the sheer number of men who were actively trying to meet her. I did not judge her for this intelligent course of action. After being picked out a few times on campus, I took a short hiatus from my swiping and did not message anyone back for a couple weeks. Some men were belligerent, insulting me and my attitude after a day or two of not messaging back. A few men were persistent, messaging days, sometimes hours, in a row in hopes that I would respond with some witty banter. With 2000 people, it was very difficult for me to keep track of who I was responding to and who was sending me new messages. Tinder’s infrastructure was literally unable to handle the amount of matches I had, showing that people had messaged me when they had not and losing some of my matches in the void. After my hiatus, I was a little sobered to the whole experiment; I had lost my initiative to continue swiping and accumulating more messages for SCIENCE. Although, not everything was terrible with this project since it allowed me to get to some really cool people faster by bypassing Tinder’s match algorithm/design.

In total, I gave my number to and/or met three of the matches I accumulated during my second run of the project. I hooked up casually with one man, talk continuously with another, and am casually dating my most recent, normal match. The struggle with this is, how do you tell someone that you swiped right on everyone, even them? Does this emotionally compromise the other person? Does it bring to question your sanity and way of living when they find out that you have been messing with men on a dating app for over two years? I have told two of the three men about my project, and they did not seem to have an issue with it, albeit maybe a twinge of judgment and pain at the initial reaction. And I feel bad, I really do. I know that many of these men are just looking for casual fun, or even serious relationships. One guy even told me that I was his first match after a few months of using the app, something I had never thought about over the time span of my experiment. But, it is hurtful, what I did and am currently doing. Something as simple as a right swipe is enough to be emotionally affecting to another person, and that sucks. BUT, a lot of these men are uncool, many of them making attempts to sexually harass me, ask for nude pictures, or find out where I live. It does not absolve me of guilt, or give me a reason to continue my swiping extravaganza.

The whole point of the experiment, for me, was to learn about the app, and the people on it. It is such a dark and mysterious topic, who uses Tinder, and what are they there for? No one wants to admit to using the app, but why? Why is our generation so afraid to admit that they don’t use “traditional” methods to find companionship? Is it because of past generations judging us for using these apps? Or is it because we feel ashamed or unable to find love in the ways our parents did? I still do not know the answer, and I do not know why most people use Tinder. Many men asked me, “so why are you here??” because there is no ONE answer to this question. Tinder is not defined in its usage as a casual dating app, or a serious one either. I have friends who have had long, fulfilling relationships from Tinder, and others who have vowed to never use the app again because of their experiences. We have reached a new age of dating, there is more criteria than ever before when looking for a possible partner. Politics, religion, values, ethics, academics, feminism, emotional/mental health, these factors now play a role in today’s age of companionship that they may not have previously. My mom is a liberal Democrat from Michigan, my stepfather a conservative Republican from Ohio. These two would most likely never be together today if their Tinder bios had been available up front with this information. I know, personally, I would never be able to date someone who was not a feminist or unwilling to stand with my social values. This information was not as readily available to past generations as it is to millennials. And that’s a good thing, being able to feel someone out before emotionally opening yourself. We have immediate access to Facebook likes, Instagram posts, tweets, and other things that can help us determine the personality of the person on the screen.

We have a lot to learn about these new apps as means of finding love or friendship. And while this experiment may prove futile in the face of emotions and statistics, I have learned a lot about myself and what I want in a potential partner. I know that I need someone who is willing to deal with my past of being emotionally abused, and I need to be willing to open myself more to someone. I have found out a lot through reading messages from men who were outright asking me for naked pictures in their first message. I have learned that a lot of men in college are unsure, unconfident, and very willing to put themselves on the line. I hope, from this project, that we can all learn, together, how our new age of dating works; but, for now, we are all trapped in the hell of “no labels” and constant wondering if we are normal in our ways. Let me be the first to say, there is NOTHING wrong with casually dating, hooking up, or one night standing it with someone. And it is OKAY to not want to do any of that, either. But, it is NOT okay to judge others in their search for themselves and their sexuality. We need to be understanding of each other as we move into the digital age of dating, and our first step needs to be erasing the stigma surrounding casual dating.

#tinder #writing #casual dating #dating app

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batesmcguire5-blog · 6 years ago

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fadingpersoncollectorstuff-blog · 6 years ago

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