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thestarseersystem · 2 years ago

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I said this to someone, so I think it would be a good addendum to the definition of "polyfragmented" systems.

Specifically, it's not only the current causation of DID, being that you develop through prolonged childhood trauma and a disorganized attachment/detachment from the primary caregiver, before the ages of 6 to 9.

It is also "developed a maladaptive disconnection from reality at a young age." However one escaped the abuse and hid within themselves. Whether that maladaptive disconnection was forced (such as mind control, torture, etc.) or it was just simply the only option to protect one's psyche.

If a child does not have a grounded sense of reality, they may struggle to accept whatever is happening around them, to be real. Or they may be told by others what they are experiencing isn't true.

And this can manifest itself in several different ways for the child, through many different negative coping mechanisms such as maladaptive daydreaming, hypersexuality, codependency, and a complete denial of reality. There is more, but I cannot think of all of them right now, but whatever coping mechanisms cut you off from reality in any way.

And I do not think this is just for polyfragmented systems, I am unsure. But it's something I've noticed and learned especially in polyfragmented systems. Where they struggle to accept things about themselves. While they may experience nightmares or other physical symptoms, they always tend to second guess themselves and may think they've either gone crazy or there's nothing wrong with them.

Our opinions were never treated as if they mattered, so our perception of reality and therefore system, is much more unstable or chaotic. So that detachment from reality is a really big factor and should be a part of the definition for polyfragmented systems.

#post.txt #polyfragmented did #polyfrag #polyfragmented #pf did #c-did #c did #polyfrag system #if anyone wants to share their thoughts im willing to hear it #ive always questioned whether i was just in a coma and if the world im experiencing is actually real #or that i feel like i walk between the lines of fantasy and reality #or that they're eventually going to lock me up because im just crazy #stuff like that. stuff like that has been always on my mind

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bite-the-bloody-hand · 9 months ago

Note

Alone, Secret, and Betrayal for the ask meme >:3 (dramatic eyebrows on the emoticon for Zell)

For the OC Asks - Not-So-Nice Edition

Darling you spoil me as much as I must spoiler tag these answers! You know I’m feral and this is all gonna be about the ship; surely this was unplanned on your part. But here's a fucking NOVEL I guess you DEVIL(love you)

alone: How does your OC deal with loneliness? Have they ever been completely alone before? How do they act when there's no one around to see them?

Zell is practiced at being alone if not completely isolated, but that doesn't mean he enjoys it. If he's forced to be alone and can find something to keep his hands occupied, he's generally okay, but without something to do he can get into pacing/stress workout mode pretty quickly. Gotta do push-ups to keep evil (self-destructive) boredom at bay or else he starts trying to chew his own limbs off. He's not necessarily claustrophobic, but he doesn't like being caged.

If he's alone on his own terms and relaxing, IE winding down in his room or somesuch, that's generally when he'll be playing a little music or spinning up yarn with a drop spindle; usually muttering to himself about whatever crosses his mind. If it's a high pain day (and he has the luxury), he'll be isolated because it makes him real twitchy and reactive. The last thing he wants to do is bite someone because of a migraine.

Loneliness is another beast, however. He can handle Being Alone, to an extent, but he isn't great at it. In being lonely he is an *expert.* He's used to being isolated while surrounded by people; his youth in Ustalav was being one of a small handful of teenagers among hundreds of severe adults with no patience for his whimsy. Meanwhile the ones his age were distant and wary of their Dhampir cohort, as all Ustlavians rightly are. The overall vibe of Mendev’s military is quite similar, which is something that truly bothers him about being Commander, and the mythical status he’s gained. The charisma he cultivated to bright people closer as a regular person has become far too isolating for someone at his… level.

During the first few days in Kenabras, before the attack on Gray Garrison, he really enjoyed the bizarre camaraderie that had begun to form among what would become his, well, followers. Or his *subordinate* for fuck's sake, for a job he never wanted and didn't ask for! However, as soon as he realized there was no escaping the job, the necessity of formality started to slip into everything, depressing the hell out of him. He tries not to be too dismissive of what his rank means to people, but it really is god-damned lonely at the top. Being unwanted but kept anyway isn't the act of love some people think it is.*

It's hard to make friends when every interaction has the background radiation of being the last hope of mortalkind as well as a terrifying and alluring monster. Rare are those who don't elevate or mythologize his existence; in fact he can count those people on one hand.

When no one's around the mask finally slips away and the worry shows through. He drops the cool half-smile and all the stress lines start showing; he talks himself through his own stress and tries to strategize around the insanity of his life, to the point where it can be something of a one-man show. His monologues would be excellent theater if he was of a mind to put that much raw emotion on a page, but that's never really been his thing. This is when he engages with his most difficult and secret of tasks: Research.

secret: What's one secret your OC never wants anyone to know about them?

Zell is something of a collector of secrets, so exploring what he keeps close to the vest is fun.

It seems so minor in the grand scheme of things, but hiding the fact that he's dyslexic and has a migraine disorder has been one of his Major Efforts since being conscripted. He plays it off by saying he refuses to read or learn anything that is uninteresting to him; in reality it's just hard for him to read at all. It makes him feel deeply self conscious and fuels a lot of the imposter syndrome. Unfortunately he just can't do it without giving himself a terrible migraine. He gets around this by encouraging other people to read aloud; or when handed an important document that's for his eyes only, he gives it a brief context scan, says 'everything is clear to me,' then takes the doc to read it later very slowly with a cutout bookmark and frequent breaks. Later, Aivu reads for him.

It does make certain things especially difficult, such as the aforementioned private research he does while alone in the dead of night. The war is a big distraction to be sure, but this man operates on a level of ADHD unfathomable to most mortals and he is also a NOSY bitch.

For example, the secrets surrounding the Arendae family and Mendev's noble legacy are far too enticing for him to ignore, so he opts to pull a few strings of his own and see if he can spot anything that escaped Liotr's notice. Eventually, Zell's secret folio becomes less about his own curiosity and more about securing The Hawkblade's attention somewhere other than assuring Galfrey's heir is conveniently put away and insensate. It's no longer just about helping Liotr destroy The Other - it's about making sure Daeran is safe after.

Of course, he keeps The Other's existence a secret. Of course it terrifies him that anyone else would discover and reveal it. But none of these are his secret.

Zell asks, after their first night together, if Daeran wants to keep what happens between them just between them. Not that he's ashamed, or worried about either of their reputations, but because it can be theirs. They're both public figures, both beholden to sharing if not a genuine facet of themselves at least a carefully curated face to the public at all times. Daeran's willingness to be vulnerable with him in those private moments feels precious; he doesn't want to turn that into being some kind of... propagandistic power couple for Crusaders and Socialites to speculate.

Certainly there will be rumors; they have a habit of outrageous flirting when they aren't throwing barbs at each other.

But the true secret isn't the relationship. It’s that he realizes he’s rapidly falling for Daeran. Completely unspoken but secretly shared in a dozen small, silent ways, in a coded language of glances; hidden under layers of quips and gab.

Zell wants to keep their relationship a secret, so they can both pretend it’s just a casual tryst, because he fears no one – even Daeran, at first - would understand where the love comes from, if it were ever to be known. He's an outsider, a usurper, a monster. He betrayed Daeran’s trust by leveraging their friendship to access his secrets; he has to make up for the fact that it's him.

betrayal: Has your OC ever been betrayed by someone they thought they could trust? Has your OC ever betrayed someone who trusted them?

In the abstract, he can certainly remember the sensation of being betrayed, but cannot remember the details clearly. He knows that he's had vulnerabilities exploited; knows it Feels Bad in such a way that thinking about deliberately making someone trust him for the explicit purpose of betraying them makes him feel ill. He also knows how easy it would be to do, for him especially. With that being said...

Zell is, at heart, a man of the theater. A man of comedy. He is primed to always Commit To The Bit. He is extraordinarily good at not breaking character. However. Something about casually asking Daeran if he could tour Heaven’s Edge felt… wrong. He already liked Daeran. They were already rather friendly with each other, in their own way. Therefore the invite was surprisingly easy to win, which made him feel even more guilty.

He had been teasing at the party, when he'd said it was destiny that brought them together. He wasn't expecting Daeran to bring it up later, with the unspoken assurance that he hadn't really dismissed the thought before. Or for Daeran to agree to that it should remain just their secret - for now. The trust and friendship between them would always be marred by that first lie by omission.

(To say he did not secretly hope that Daeran would pick up on the meaning of him always wearing the key would also be a lie.)

When Daeran reveals his fears during their time in the abyss, Zell’s love turns to absolute devotion. Even so, he knows that as soon as they escape; Liotr will be waiting, and his very first task will be to betray Daeran’s trust again to save his life.

What’s worse is the method of that betrayal. Yes he’s doing it to help and of course he doesn’t mean a single cruel word. But succeeding, admitting he’s known the whole time, that he leveraged their friendship to gain access to something so volatile… even the best outcome seems to reinforce the idea that his nature is to hurt the ones he loves, even if he’s trying to be kind.****

*The first few months as Commander were really hard, and put a big strain on those blossoming friendships. He really gets in his own head about this shit, but he does eventually figure it out.

**Previous incarnations he's been a bard when he wasn't a druid; but I just wasn't thrilled by the available builds so I went bloodrager. Imagine my delight when the Azata allows him to have a little bit of both anyway!

***funny story, the head generation mechanic for the severed heads showing up during rests is broken for me, so the heads only show up from Kenabras to Leper's Smile and then don't show up again until act 4. Zell wakes up after the first sleep in the abyss to find a severed demon head The Other left like some sort of horrible cat leaving him food in the night. He thought the first heads back at camp were someone hazing him for being a Dhampir and straight up did not put two and two together until Daeran's birthday, but at that point they'd stopped showing up so he didn't snitch about it to Liotr. When they started showing up in the Abyss it was like 'is... is it trying to feed me? Are these gifts? A warning? b...both????' This game is so much funnier when you're half vampire I am just saying.

****Daeran: ‘“I’m soooo sorry I stumbled upon your deepest secret because your Cousin had the Inquisition on your ass and I wanted to help. PLEASE forgive me for saving your life and having the sheer charisma to convince them not to throw you away forever.” That’s you. That’s what you sound like. IDIOT.’

Folks, they love each other.

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