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biboybuckley · 1 year ago

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Dead Eyes

Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard | 2.8k | Teen and Up Audiences | Hurt/Comfort: Nightmare Edition

Neil has a nightmare and, despite his best efforts to handle it on his own, Andrew is there.

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Neil didn’t expect the nightmares to stop. He never allowed himself the delusion of thinking that with his father gone and his mind and body both working through the achingly slow process of healing - one he isn’t sure will ever end - to imagine that the ghosts of his past life and the memories woven into their faces would ever stop tormenting him, especially in his sleep.

But. Still.

There’s a part of him now, as he clutches the edges of the sink with a white knuckled grip and grinds his teeth together so hard he things he may break them, that desperately wishes he could seal his demons in a box, throw it into the deepest recess of his mind, and have a little time before they clawed their way back out.

It doesn’t work like that, and Neil knows it, but he’d like to be able to open his eyes.

He has them clenched tightly shut, his entire face screwed up, every muscle in his body tense and taught with a herculean effort to stop shaking. He was shaking when he woke up, he was shaking when he stumbled his way out of bed into the bathroom, but he swears he almost shook all the way apart when he caught his own reflection in the mirror.

Dead eyes stared back at him.

He tried wearing contacts again - briefly, last summer after everything with Ichirou was settled - but it didn’t take. When he’d walked out of the bathroom, Andrew had taken one look at him and caught his chin in an unforgiving grip when Neil tried to sidestep him.

“No,” Andrew had said simply, but the look in his eyes was fierce and the clench of his jaw was tight.

“I’m sick of seeing him,” Neil countered. Andrew hadn’t budged.

“Then don’t see him,” he said after a beat. As if it were that easy. “See you.”

“I can’t-”

“He doesn’t get to take anything anymore.”

Neil’s response died in his throat as he tried to process that.

Andrew released him with a shove back towards the bathroom. “Take them out.”

Neil knew he didn’t have to, that Andrew would give in if Neil pushed back, but Neil just swallowed his argument and took the contacts out.

Now, with his eyes squeezed shut so hard it’s already giving him a headache, Neil wishes he hadn’t let Andrew throw them all out. He’d almost tried to save a pair, but one look from Andrew said all it needed to convince him not to. The contacts were a way to hide. Neil wasn’t doing that anymore. He had no one to hide from. No one but myself, he thinks bitterly now. A tremor travels down his spine, sending gooseflesh across his skin. His chest feels tight and his breath shudders as he tries to inhale deeply through his nose and slowly through his mouth.

Having his eyes closed isn’t great either. All it does is allow the remnants of his nightmare to flash unbidden behind his eyelids, for the ghosts that cling to his very soul to torment him further.

You could just not look at the mirror, a voice in his head reminds him. But, no. No, he can’t. If he opens his eyes, they’ll find his own reflection again.

Neil spent a lot of time avoiding mirrors directly following his stint with Lola and Nathan, but eventually he got comfortable enough with his own reflection so it wasn’t really a problem. But when he’s like this, it’s like there are invisible fingers guiding his face towards the mirror, urging him to look, not allowing him to wrench his gaze away from his own eyes.

He’s working on it. Well, he’s trying to. But it’s a hard thing to work on when failure means spiraling so deeply into his own demons that he’s made himself sick before.

No, the dark of his own mind is better. Even if it is plagued by dead parents and sadistic smiles, knives and fire.

Neil clenches his fingers a little tighter around the cold porcelain. Dimly, he worries he might break it. But he’s far too concerned now with finding some semblance of solidity, and the bite of the ceramic into his flesh - too dull to break his skin, but hard enough to bruise - offers him that. Offers him a small reminder that he’s real, and he’s here, and he’s not breaking apart into a million pieces despite what it may feel like. His stomach may churn and his throat may feel like it’s collapsing in on itself, and he may not be able to stop fucking shaking, but he’s here.

He strains his ears, listening for any sounds from the other room. But there’s two doors between him and Andrew, and even then Andrew barely makes a sound in his sleep. Neil’s just grateful he manages to slip out of bed without stirring the other man.

A part of Neil knows it’s stupid, that Andrew will probably be pissed in the morning if he somehow pieces together that Neil didn’t wake him, but Neil knows there’s been plenty of times Andrew hasn’t woken him.

Another part of him, a part of him that he is trying valiantly to smother right now, desperately wishes he had woken Andrew, that Andrew was a solid line behind him for Neil to lean into and a secure pair of arms to hold him together so Neil didn’t have to do it himself.

Neil blames that small, weak part of himself for what happens next.

A thin, reedy sound falls from his lips and he struggles through another breath, his head dropping down between his shoulders as he twists his fingers in a desperate attempt to feel the porcelain bite into his skin.

Fire. He’s on fire.

There’s flames licking at his cheekbones, burning down his throat, skating across his skin. He’s burning from the inside out and he has no way to put it out. He can only twist his grip on the sink tighter and tighter as waves of flames travel down his body, rocking him harshly as his muscles tremble. He’s panting now, harsh breaths puffing through his clenched teeth as he screws up his face, his eyes staying shut as sparks dance behind his eyelids.

It’s an eternity before the flames release him, leaving him sagging against the sink, not letting up his death grip for even a moment as he tries to catch his breath. Absently, he notes a tear working its way down his cheek. There’s a dull throbbing in his fingers from how hard he’s clenching the ceramic. His head is pounding now, in time with his racing pulse.

The scars he carries feel ripped open, and it takes all his willpower to convince himself that’s not possible and he’s not bleeding out onto the floor. Still, the tremors become harder as phantom blood tracks down his skin.

His breaths are coming fast despite his best efforts to calm himself, and he can feel frustrated tears burn behind his eyes. It feels as though the demons in his mind are stabbing hot knives at every vulnerable spot they can find, slicing his mental defenses to little ribbons with glee.

Nathan’s cold smile flashes behind his eyelids and he can feel his own lips curving into a cruel mockery of it. The insane urge to laugh bubbles up in his chest, but he stamps it back down. He doesn’t need Andrew walking in on him laughing maniacally as he attempts to crush their sink to dust beneath his fingers.

He swallows his laughter and tries to count to ten and then back to zero in as many languages as he can. It works well enough for the laugh to shrivel and die in the hollow cavity of his chest, but soon enough the numbers - he got as far as Russian - get lost in the static fuzz of his panicked mind. Every part of him wants to run right now.

Neil knows he could just go for a run of Perimeter Road, but he’s not sure he trusts himself enough in this state to not just keep running. It’s his first instinct, a feeling so familiar it may as well be carved into his bones, woven through the strands of his DNA. He’s not sure if he’s gripping the sink so hard to keep himself from flying apart or to keep himself from bolting. Either way, he grips it like his very life depends on it, and he grinds his teeth, and he tries to continue his Russian counting.

In the state he’s in, his mind a haze of panic and every nerve ending set on fire with adrenaline, Neil is hyper aware of his surroundings. He feels the brush of the very air against the skin of his arms, feels the sweat beading on his brow, feels the press of his cotton T-shirt resting against his chest.

He hears when one of the floor boards in the bedroom creaks.

Neil strains his ears, his breath catching in his throat.

He hears the first door open.

Run.

He hears another step land on the floor.

Run!

He hears the bathroom door open.

RUN!

He forces himself to still, the trembling beneath his skin fighting against every ounce of willpower he’s using to quell it. He can’t feel Andrew, but he knows he’s there, just a mere two feet away.

He holds his breath still, waiting through the agonizingly long moments before-

“Yes or no?”

Andrew’s voice is rough with sleep, thick with something Neil can’t piece together right now, and unwaveringly firm.

“Yes,” Neil chokes out on his second attempt to answer, barely anything more than a ragged gasp tearing itself from his throat, clawing its way out whether Neil wants it to or not.

In an instant, Andrew’s there, a solid line of heat at his back. A heavy palm lands on the back of his neck, hot fingers squeezing the sides of his throat in a silent command. Neil jerks his head in a harsh no. He can’t. He can’t move, he can’t do what Andrew wants, he can’t think, he can’t-

“Neil.” Andrew’s voice is a low rumble, softening the turmoil inside of Neil, flowing over him like golden honey. But his shoulders instinctively hunch higher, the lines of tension in his body blocking out Andrew despite Neil’s desperation to give in to him.

“Neil.”

Neil lets out a thin sound through clenched teeth, straining to get the words out, to explain to Andrew that he can’t move or he won’t stop moving until he’s running. That the only reason he’s still here is because he won’t let himself move.

But he doesn’t have to say a word. He never really does when it comes to Andrew, never has. Andrew just… knows.

The grip on the back of his neck tightens and Andrew tugs Neil roughly, but so painfully gently all at the same time, towards him. Neil’s hands refuse to listen, gripping the sink.

“Let go.”

As if it were that easy.

“Let. Go.” A warning growl tinges Andrew’s words and he pulls Neil at the same time, and Neil loses his grip on the ceramic edges with a harsh gasp. Before he can fall or shatter or dissipate into nothing, though, he’s yanked into Andrew’s solid chest, the hand on the back of Neil’s neck squeezing fiercely, the other coming up to grip his shoulder.

Neil’s hands, desperate for something to cling to, find purchase in Neil’s own shirt, a fist digging into his stomach, and in Andrew’s, clutching the fabric of his shirt just the the side of where Neil’s forehead is pressed into Andrew’s chest, held there by Andrew’s own hand.

It isn’t until Neil starts to feel the steady thump of Andrew’s pulse beneath his knuckles that Neil is able to suck in a full, ragged gasp of air instead of the short bursts he’d been gasping since Andrew touched him. Andrew doesn’t move, Neil can barely even feel the rise and fall of his breaths. The only sign he has that Andrew is alive and real and there is the pounding of his heart beneath Neil’s own touch.

“Breathe,” Andrew instructs, like it’s just that simple.

But Neil gave himself over to Andrew the moment he released the sink. And Andrew says to breathe.

Neil takes a slow breath, the cool air soothing his burning lungs and raw throat. He sucks in deep breath after deep breath through clenched teeth, guided by the stroke of Andrew’s fingers on the back of Neil’s neck, grounded by the press of Andrew’s chin into the crown of Neil’s head. He thinks he hears Andrew murmur Good into his hair, but he has no way of knowing if he actually did.

After several minutes of neither of them moving, Andrew pulls back slightly. Neil tries to move with him, a small, broken sound falling from his lips. The hand that isn’t on Neil’s neck moves to grip his chin, forcing Neil to stop and face Andrew.

“Look at me,” Andrew says.

Neil’s voice trembles and cracks, “I can’t.”

“Neil.” Neil just gives an aborted shake of his head, stopped by Andrew’s grip on his chin. “Abram.” Neil sucks in a sharp breath. “Look at me.”

Neil opens his eyes.

Hazel eyes, fiery and fierce with an emotion Neil’s spent brain doesn’t have the dedication to find a name for right now, stare back at him. Andrew’s jaw is tense, concern written in the tight corners of his mouth and slight crease of his brow.

His eyes - Neil’s always loved Andrew’s eyes, even before he realized he loved them - search Neil’s own. The tight panic in Neil’s chest begins to unravel further under Andrew’s steady gaze. He releases his death grip on Andrew’s shirt, pressing a flat palm to his chest instead, feeling the thump of his heart once more. His other fist stays pressed into his own stomach, clenching his shirt tightly.

But his breaths come easier now, and the fog of panic is beginning to lift. His jaw aches as he lets some of the tension release.

“Who was it?” Andrew asks after a long beat of silence.

Neil instantly stiffens again, his breath stopping in his throat and threatening to choke him.

Andrew squeezes the back of his neck again, fiercely. Neil refocuses on Andrew’s eyes, resisting the replay of his nightmare that’s starting in his own mind.

Andrew doesn’t ask again, just stares Neil down and grips the back of his neck so tight it's just this side of painful.

It takes Neil a few tries to get the names out. “Nicky. Nicky and Dan.”

The only sign that he actually said it aloud is a tightening of the muscles around Andrew’s mouth and a nearly imperceptible nod. His death grip on Neil’s neck relaxes, his fingers petting through the fine hair at the base of his skull and down the overheated skin of his neck.

Neil’s breathing has gotten close to normal, the adrenaline starting to wear off now that instead of falling endlessly, he has Andrew to crash into. Andrew to catch him and hold him together.

“Do you want to tell me about it?” Andrew asks after several more infinite moments, his gaze never wavering from Neil’s.

Neil can’t stop the full-body flinch at the question. Andrew doesn’t say a word, and Neil doesn’t have to either. Andrew just nods, his fingers still stroking the skin of Neil’s neck. He doesn’t let go of Neil’s chin either, keeping his gaze trained into Neil’s eyes as though he can read his very soul through them.

“How can you stand them?” Neil blurts it out before he can think better of it. He opens his mouth to explain, but then closes it. He doesn’t have to.

Andrew’s quiet for a moment. He shifts his hold on Neil’s jaw, pressing three fingers under his chin to tilt his face up more, brushing his thumb across Neil’s bottom lip impossibly softly. He studies Neil’s eyes carefully, thoughtfully, and then shrugs one shoulder.

“They’ve never been anything other than you for me.” He tilts his head slightly, as if considering. “One of the first real parts of you that I got.”

The unexpected answer steals Neil’s breath again, though this time not from panic. Andrew doesn’t look into his eyes and see the eyes of a killer, of someone heartless and cruel and demanding. Andrew doesn’t see dead eyes.

“Yes or no?” Neil whispers breathlessly.

Andrew’s lips twitch ever so slightly and he lifts his chin. “Yes.”

Neil crushes his mouth to Andrew’s, the kiss tinged with desperation and fading panic, but also - hope. Hope that one day, Neil can look into his own eyes and see what Andrew does. Hope that his eyes aren’t really dead, because he sure as hell isn’t.

#all for the game #aftg #neil josten #andrew minyard #neil x andrew #andreil fic #andreil #neil josten pov #the foxhole court #the raven king #the kings men #aftg trilogy #aftg fic #the foxes

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allforminyard · 1 year ago

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andreil x francesca lyrics parallels

so hozier just released a new song (although i think he’s played it live before) and the lyrics immediately screamed andreil to me so i decided to put the parallels in a post (and who knows maybe later a fic)

i hope you’re ready for an essay bc here it goes

do you think I'd give up

that this might've shook the love from me

or that I was on the brink

how could you think darling I'd scare so easily?

from the start neil and andrew exchange truths to size each other up and confirm that the other will not be a threat. they know they could most definitely be a problem from the moment they meet in arizona. neither of them can be sure of the other’s intentions without these exchanges, the willing surrender of information that eventually leads to deals and trust, trust that the other will step in and hold them up if necessary. on thanksgiving neil is the first to notice andrew’s absence and the first to act to protect him, going as far as to stashing his knives and promising to look out for kevin, not backing away from the ugliest of andrew’s past entering the present. in baltimore andrew barely lets him go from his protection (at neil’s request) and is the only one that notices that neil says goodbye, can see it so clearly in his face. he knows something’s wrong but can’t do anything about it and then neil is gone gone gone and comes back to them broken. andrew says “you are at one hundred (percent)” and “you aren’t going anywhere”, a promise to stand his ground beside him no matter what. they’re not scared after seeing the worst parts of their trauma, they won’t back away so easily.

now that it's done

there's not one thing that I would change

my life was a storm

since I was born

how could I fear any hurricane?

andrew and neil both had their share of trauma throughout their lives. what with being put in the system as a newborn, growing up in all those shitty read abusive foster homes, going to juvie to protect his new found twin brother from his latest abuser, and being put on medication that fucked up his physical and psychological wellbeing for the sake of being more palatable to others is a lot to say the least. not to mention a lifetime on the run from an abusive parent, multiple run ins and near death experiences with said parent’s gang, and the callous upbringing from another parent whose one goal was survival above all, to the point of having to bury that parent and try to get a semblance of a life together when all he ever knew was gone in an instant. their lives were storms from the moment they were born. how could they look away from the other’s trauma when they knew they could weather that and more?

for all that was said

of where we'd end up at the end of it

when the heart would cease

ours never knew peace

what good would it be on the far side of things?

no one ever bet on andrew or neil fully until wymack recruited them for the foxes. neil was taught to run no matter what because being caught was not an option. andrew had to learn to fight for every piece and parcel he could get before it was all eventually ripped away from him anyway. no one thought they would ever amount to anything and fuck if they wouldn’t die trying to not fall into what was meant to be their destiny. what else was neil supposed to be if not his father’s embarrassment that had to be sold to the mafia just so he didn’t cause any more trouble? what else was andrew supposed to be if not a cast off neglected child who would be forced to turn to drugs, violence or worse? they couldn’t turn into what was expected of them so they never stopped, always running, always fighting, always surviving. it’s in each other that they finally knew they could stay.

but it was too soon

when that part of you was ripped away

a grip taking hold

like a cancer that grows

each piece of your body that it takes

they both hit rock bottom and almost surrender. neil says “I'm tired of being nothing," and “Neil had seen this look on Andrew's face once before. the darkness in Andrew's stare … was perfect understanding. Andrew had hit this point years ago and broken. Neil was hanging on by a fraying thread and grabbing at anything he could to stay afloat.” andrew is forced to take back control however he can, starting with his body and later by getting himself sent away to juvie. he reaches the point where he has to give and receive explicit consent for physical touch, in response to what was taken from him so many times before. time and time again neil is offered a future so bright he can hardly believe it can be his. the more the year goes on the more he refuses to let himself hope, knows he’s as good as dead the moment he decides to stand up to riko and he finds out the truth. if it weren’t for andrew, neil would’ve run away and who knows what would’ve happened then. neil says “it's not the world that's cruel, it's the people in it,” and both of them know all too well just how many parts were ripped away from them in their struggle to survive.

if someone asked me at the end / though I know my heart would break

I'll tell them put me back in it

darling, I would do it again

if I could hold you for a minute

darling, I'd go through it again

we know andrew and neil are fighters through and through. andrew keeps his family in place by promising the only thing he thinks might be beneficial for them: protection. neil stays at palmetto even though he knows he should run before his past catches up to him. in the raven king neil says “he was their family. they were his. they were worth every cut and bruise and scream.” and in the king’s men, the first time andrew takes him to the roof after easthaven, neil confesses to spending christmas at evermore because “I had to try. if I had the chance to stop it but did nothing, how could I face you again? how could I live with myself?” they go to impossible lengths to protect each other, even if the other doesn’t ask for it, and neither regrets it, no matter if “Neil could tell himself all day long what the smart thing to do was, but if he really cared that much about what was smart he wouldn't have come here in the first place.”

I would still be surprised I could find you, darling

in any life

if I could hold you for a minute

darling, I would do it again

i don’t think this is explicitly mentioned in the books, but i think it’s something the fandom has accepted unanimously. andrew and neil are soulmates. they see each other for what they are and accept each other no matter what. they understand each other in a way no one has ever tried to before. neither of them thought they were ever gonna connect with someone they way they do. it was a surprise to have the love be requited and it made it all the better.

I would not change it each time

heaven is not fit to house a love like you and I

this final incantation is what truly sold the parallels for me. even after repeatedly trying to follow his mother’s dying wishes, neil can’t make himself put an end to his and andrew’s dynamic and in the end he doesn’t regret any of it. he says “thank you.” He couldn't say he meant thanks for all of it: the keys, the trust, the honesty, and the kisses. Hopefully Andrew would figure it out eventually. "You were amazing.” and “he'd hit the end of his rope before he wanted to and he hadn't accomplished everything he'd hoped to this year, but he'd done more with his life than he'd ever thought possible. That had to be enough.” it is also repeatedly said that “andrew regretted nothing”, meaning every word and action he exchanged with neil was intentional and true. and for all their unconventional methods, at the end of the day neil and andrew care deeply for each other (read the whole fucking essay before this) and know and trust the other like no one else ever has. i think the perfect example of this is after their first kiss when andrew says “this isn't yes. This is a nervous breakdown. I know the difference even if you don't … I won't be like them. I won't let you let me be." Neil opened his mouth, closed it, and tried again. "The next time one of them says you're soulless I might have to fight them.” their love is something that only they understand, and maybe even heaven would not be fit for it.

#neil josten #andrew minyard #andreil #aftg #all for the game #the foxhole court #hozier #lyrics #lyric parallels #listen i know this is for an incredibly niche audience but i wrote this full ass essay today and i wanted to share #writing this broke me and i’m probably gonna start this year’s first reread tonight #when i say andreil ruined romance for me i truly mean it #anyway if anyone wants to take this and write a fic pls feel free just give credit <3 <3 <3 #this is my contribution to the fandom this year probably ajwjrjdkw #long post #my post

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crazy-fangirl2524 · 3 years ago

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Motorcycle

An off hand comment from Neil ended up with him getting a motorcycle from all the foxes as his birthday present on March 31

Neil was shocked as always, he could never get use to celebrating his birthday much less receiving a present this big

“Try it Neil,” Matt said excitedly, bouncing on the balls of his feet

Neil’s expression blanked for just a second, all the foxes missed it except for Andrew

“Tomorrow, I’m tired,” Neil smiled, the smile is genuine but tense

Nicky and Allison protested but renee ushered them and soon they all left the birthday boy alone

All of them went back into the girl’s room to tidy up after their so called party which was just ordering Neil’s favourite food and putting on some movie as background noise

Neil left a few moments later, thanking his friends for the night and gift before going up onto the roof. Andrew wasn’t far behind

Neil lit up a cigarette and passed one to Andrew, before lighting another one for himself. He inhaled deeply, as if to ingrained the smell of the smoke into his memory, as if he could ever forget the smell of his mother’s burning body

They sat in silence for a long time, the fox tower eventually quieted down as athletes retired for the night

“My mother taught me how to ride a motorcycle before she taught me how to drive a car” Neil said, Andrew didn’t react except turning his stare on neil’s silhouette

“A motorcycle is faster and easier to disappear, being able to drive through crooks and nannies and alleyways”

“Of course driving a car is safer but a motorcycle is sometimes easier to find and weave through traffics”

“I haven’t been on one since she died” Neil said quietly, lost in his memories

Andrew got up and Neil barely noticed until Andrew said, “I’ve never been on one before”

Neil looked at Andrew’s disappearing silhouette and followed him wordlessly

Neil found Andrew beside the motorcycle and Andrew handed him the key

Neil stared at the key in his hand

“It’s just a key” Andrew said

Neil shot him a fleeting smile

“You know it’s not”

Andrew gestured impatiently for Neil to get on

Neil finally got on and Andrew got on behind him, wrapping his arms loosely around his waist

“You can hold on tighter”

Andrew squeezed his waist in retaliation

Neil let out a small laugh, then he put the key into the ignition and they sailed into the night

They started off slow, as Neil was out of practice, until Andrew was grumping for Neil to speed up or he could just be walking besides him

Neil sped up, and then it was like flying but without the height. Neil’s curls hitting Andrew’s face but all andrew could feel is the rush of the wind and the weightless feeling, with only Neil tethering him

Neil almost got lost in his memories of his mother and the run and chase. But Andrew’s tight arms around him was a grounding weight that kept him in the present

They hit a highway, driving to nowhere, the dead silence of the night broke by the motorcycle and Neil’s laughter. Neil had forgotten the joy of riding a motorcycle. It could never compete with a car even with the windows down. Riding a motorcycle is soaring on the road with no restrictions, it is running and running from his father’s men who is try-

Andrew squeezed his waist again and all Neil could feel is Andrew’s body heat, enveloping him. Even with the wind rushing he could always smell Andrew’s cologne and cigarettes

They drove on and on, after who knows how long they finally went back to the fox tower

Andrew got off, shaking his legs and lighting another cigarette. Neil took in his wind swept hair, the moon shining on his pale hair giving it a ghostly light, the smoke curling-

“Staring”

“Thank you” Neil smiled, he held his hand out to Andrew, who stared at him for a moment before signing and gave his hand to Neil who laced their fingers together

The next day, Neil drove Matt, Nicky, Dan, and Allison on his new motorcycle and they gushed about how cool it was and that “Kevin and renee must try too” and “if my future boyfriend don’t have a motorcycle then I’m breaking up”

Renee got on once Neil said it was okay and a very reluctant Kevin tried too

Since then whenever Neil had the itch to run or when the past was too close, Neil would ride his motorcycle with Andrew grounding him and reminding him that he wasn’t alone anymore

Or just whenever they felt like tearing through the night with the wind hitting them and needed to be reminded of the freedom they fought so hard for

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heymrstargazer · 3 years ago

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daily aftg hc: andrews pretty uncomfortable going out to get his haircut, but he watches neil do his own and (sorta) asks him to do his, too. he just walks into the bathroom while neil is finishing up and stands there until he gets the hint. neil takes his time and doesn't say much, but andrew absolutely loves it because neil just automatically gives him head rubs and he gets to watch in the mirror when neils tongue pokes put of the corner of his mouth. he's super focused the whole time and always stops before going too much shorter just to make sure andrews okay with it. it's not fancy by any means, but it's better than if andrew would've attempted it himself. when it becomes more of a routine, neil sometimes talks about how his mom taught him or that one time he fried all of it with the amount of bleach he used. andrew contently listens the whole time and eventually gets neil a little case with nicer scissors, combs, etc.

#not me stealing this from my ocs pshhh #but anyway this is actually one ive had for a while and i feel like ive mentioned it here and there but it feels important tp say lmao #aftg #all for the game #neil josten #the foxhole court #tfc #andrew minyard #tfc hc #aftg hc #andreil #daily aftg hc

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aftgandotherbooks · 3 years ago

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First time Neil cries in front of the foxes- Nicky

TW- Mention of blood (Only a small drop of it though)

Nicky, unfortunately, has a bad habit of listening in on conversations in the car when he hasn’t been involved.

After overhearing Andrew and Neil’s conversation on how deprived Neil is on the best type of desserts, Nicky jumped in with a gasp, “you’ve never had cheesecake? Have you even seen a cake in your life? Have you ever even baked anything?” In which Neil responded with “no? I’ve never baked before”.

After having to remove himself from the conversation before he got too high pitched and heated, Nicky decided that it will be his lifelong mission to teach Neil to bake every existing sweet dish (within reason).

Thus, every time Nicky went grocery shopping, he bought ingredients for a new dessert each time.

They’ve made so many dishes, even some of Nicky’s favourite German desserts because it reminded him of Erik.

On the day Nicky first witnessed Neil cry, it started out innocent, and dare say even fun. Nicky and Neil were baking choc chip cookies to cheer up Andrew who was still recovering from a concussion.

Nicky was chopping up a slab of chocolate into smaller pieces with a knife because it’s so much cheaper than buying a packet of chocolate chips.

Because Neil was still quite new to the whole ‘baking’ thing, Nicky had to check on Neil every few minutes to make sure Neil wasn’t somehow lighting the kitchen on fire (“it happened once Nicky, and it was mostly Kevin’s fault!”)

He looked up to where Neil was kneading the dough (“fold it in from the sides Neil! It’s not a piece of hot ass, you don’t need to slap it!”) and saw that Neil was digging his fingers into the dough, instead of using the heels of his hands.

So, Nicky (knife still in his hand) stepped behind Neil and without thinking, grabbed the hand still in the dough to try and adjust it to how he should be doing it.

In an instant, Nicky swore it only took less than a second, Neil grabbed the knife from Nicky’s hand and held it to Nicky’s neck.

Nicky quickly breathed in, and tried to stay still as possible.

Nicky was used to Andrew threatening him with a knife, but he always knew Andrew would never really hurt him. However, this time, Neil’s eyes didn’t hold a blank type of anger (or pure joy from his manic times) that Andrew’s eyes held. Instead, Neil’s eyes held fear.

It was like Neil wasn’t even in his body anymore, the real Neil had floated away when he felt threatened by the unpredicted touch, and the sight of a knife.

The Neil that was holding the knife too hard to Nicky’s neck was glazed over, and so so afraid.

Nicky tried calling his name, even using “Abram”, which Nicky heard Andrew use a few times when Neil’s anxiety hit peak, to bring him back.

But it didn’t work.

Neil’s hand eventually started shaking, and due to the movement of his hand and the heavy pressure of the knife to Nicky’s neck, a small cut opened when the knife met skin.

It was the sight of the deep red blood pooling at the top of the knife and dripping down Nicky’s neck that bought Neil back with a startled jump backwards into the bench where the long-forgotten cookie dough sat.

“Nicky” Neil breathed, repeating the name as if reminding him that it was Nicky standing in front of Neil, and not his father.

Nicky took a step closer to Neil, but Neil shook his head and moved to the side and stepped back more, away from Nicky.

“Neil it’s okay. I’m okay. It’s just a small cut” Nicky gently said, hands out and keeping his voice calm in attempt to soothe Neil’s panic.

Neil shook his head again.

What stopped and broke Nicky’s heart more than the knife that was held to his neck a minute ago were the tears building up in Neil’s eyes.

Nicky is not afraid of emotion. He refuses to hide who he is and what he feels after living through what his parents put him through. Eric has taught him many things, one of which is that it’s okay to cry, even especially if you’re a man. Emotions are a part of the human condition, and to hell with anyone who claims that men aren’t meant to cry. So seeing Neil in such a state of panic and fear and guilt broke Nicky’s heart. From what he knew about Neil’s shit excuses of parents, he gathered that they most likely punished Neil badly if he showed any kind of emotion or ‘weakness’.

So, seeing Neil crying, Nicky slowly stepped closer to Neil.

This time, Neil allowed it, but he started crying harder.

With his arms still held out, Nicky slowly took the knife out of Neil’s hand, put it on the counter next to him and then turned back and asked “can I hug you Neil?”.

After the incident at Eden’s the first time Neil went with the group, and Nicky non-consensually kissed a drugged Neil, Nicky felt so much guilt, regret and self-hatred. He swore to himself to make sure he has to try harder in getting consent before making a move on anyone.

Today, he forgot to do so- hence knife incident.

When Neil nodded his head, and muttered a weak “yes”, Nicky hugged him.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Nicky, I didn’t mean it. I wasn’t fully there. The knife... I... it…” Neil then sobbed into Nicky’s shoulder. “No Neil, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have just touched you, especially with a knife in my hand. I should have known better” Nicky says, apologetically.

Nicky stroked his back in a soothing manner, saying “shhh, it’s okay, I’m okay”. After a few minutes of hugging, the two broke apart, and Nicky, went back to his usual happy self (he was obviously still upset, shocked and sad, but he wanted to move past the intense moment and get Neil back to a calm and happy place) and said “okay! Let get back to it. Let me quickly clean my neck and wash my hands, and then I’ll show you how to knead dough with your hands, not your fingers you imbecile.”

And that’s how Andrew ended up with a box of choc chip cookies on his bed when he got home from an early session with Betsy.

#aftg #aftg headcanons #aftg headcanon #neil josten #nicky hemmick #erik klose #andrew minyard #andrew x neil #neil x andrew #the foxhole court #the raven king #the king's men #all for the game #neil x nicky #andreil #tfc #taans headcannons

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sucker-for-minyard · 3 years ago

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I can't escape from Butcher!Neil/Nathaniel so I'll write random stuff about him

First of all Nathaniel Wesninski is a very sexy sensual gorgeous name oh god i love saying it in my mind

Imagine Butcher!Nathaniel playing for the Ravens like it was planned. He'd look so pretty in the black and red uniform.... With his ginger hair and the tiny tattoo under his blue eyes......please.......

OK OK

How would he interact with the Foxes???

In a scenario where he does get to play for the Foxes, his relationship with them would be a lot different. Nathaniel is colder, quieter and not as lively as he is in Canon. That would change his dynamics with them significantly.

The team, initially, would probably see him as another Monster, or even worse. I doubt Andrew would say anything about his past and his father but the team would know. There's something off about Neil. They can feel it deep down and they're scared of it. For some time, at least.

Renee, as the brave queen she is, would trust Andrew with all her heart and try to trust Neil too, after observing him from afar.

Imagine if Nathaniel was as impulsive (violently) as Andrew was in the beginning. He won't hesitate before grabbing a knife from his pocket and that's not a good thing, especially coming from him.

>>I think that if Andrew had to put himself in a role where he has to be the one controlling his impulses to be able to control Neil and his outbursts it would be really interesting<<

And Neil isn't really like "oh I'm going to kill you because I like killing people". He just can't help but react to minor threats with extreme violence. That's the way he was raised. that's what he was taught by his Father.

Really daydreaming here about impulsive and violent Butcher!Nathaniel

Beside his violent outbursts, Nathaniel is extremely reserved and doesn't really react to things in the very expressive way. He won't show his emotions openly.

I know I'm being edgy please let me be happy and cringey

Andrew would be a lot more cautious about Nathaniel, specially if Aaron is near. He doesn't trust Nathaniel's self control and he shows it.

Matt would have a harder time to bond with the man now. But i believe that his sweet and genuinely caring nature would touch Nathaniel (eventually). He'd have a harder time adjusting to the healthy way people were treating him, but he'll be fine.

OK BUT what about his name 😔

(im asking myself this is a Q&A with myself)

WELL. Nathaniel came from the Ravens. He is already somewhat known, especially being Riko's number 3.

Differently from Kevin, Nathaniel can't just switch teams and hope for the best. And in this AU, changing his name also won't do him any good. People already know him.

He'd still be Nathaniel after joining the Foxes

But.

He would be Abram with Andrew.

Andrew was the one who asked about his middle name. The blonde felt the name 'Nathaniel' too heavy in his tongue everytime he said it. It was a name drenched in blood and suffering. If Andrew can make Nathaniel feel at least a little bit better and ease some of the weight everything in his life has, he'll do it.

And that would be enough for Nathaniel. He won't change his first name, because being Abram to someone he loves is more than he ever could ask for.

Nothing in here makes any sense AT ALL and I'm not happy about it. I just wanted to write about my dear baby Nathaniel :( ily butcher!neil ily

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joos-ten-10 · 3 years ago

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The Foxes = The Crows

I didn’t know how to like, title this, but it’s basically who I think the Foxes would be if they were the Crows and vice versa. (Also there might be some spoilers for either series)

Kaz -> Andrew This one’s kind of obvious. You’ve got the violence and the knives and the tragic backstory and the apathy but it’s more than that. It’s the not wanting to touch other people. It’s the caution in the way they do every little thing. It’s the way that they separate themselves from the rest of their respective teams and how they outwardly show no emotion but on the inside there are so many emotions roiling around in there that they don’t know how to deal with. It’s Kaz with his hatred for water after using Jordie’s body to swim away from his own death and Andrew’s hatred for the word ‘please’ because he told me he’d stop if I said it. But mostly it’s in the way that they carry themselves through their trauma, without feeling but feeling so deeply.

Inej -> Renee This one’s also quite obvious. Both girls have an affinity for knives and connections to gangs and a history in being used for their bodies. Inej has faith in her saints, and Renee has her God. They’re both fundamentally the same, even though many aspects of the beliefs are different; and of course they are, SoC is set in a fantasy world and AFTG in the real world, but that’s besides the point. While Inej embraces her use of weapons and harbors the talent, Renee tends to hide that part of her life away, and for good reason, but both of them know that they do/did with those knives, they do/did to survive.

Jesper -> Kevin When thinking of who to pair with Jesper, you would immediately think of Nicky, because he’s the joker and deals with his trauma by being too loud and taking the attention off those things, but this goes beyond that kind of thinking. Both Jesper and Kevin have their obsessions that they can’t quite get rid of - Jesper’s is gambling, and Kevin’s is exy. They deal with the need to feed their desires similarly, in the sense that they don’t know how to stop. Jesper’s gone into debt with his gambling addiction, and Kevin is so far gone with telling himself that the only thing in life he can do is play exy that he doesn’t even bother getting good at anything else. Both Jesper and Kevin also have dead mothers and a rocky relationship with their fathers - I know Wymack didn’t know he was Kevin’s dad until TKM but still - and they moved away from their homes to go to school - I know Kevin was getting away from the Ravens, but he was still running from one school to another.

Wylan -> Neil Both Wylan and Neil ran away from home and have corrupt fathers. Van Eck said that he was going to send Wylan to a music school and instead tried to have someone kill him, and Nathan has outright tried to kill Neil since he was a child. They were both brought into their respective teams later than everyone else, and felt like outsiders for a while, and they had invaluable skills that they were initially used for but eventually they felt like a real part of their respective messed up little families.

Nina -> Matt For most of CK we see Nina struggling with the effects of having taken parem and overcoming the addiction, and while in the AFTG books we don’t outwardly see Matt dealing with withdrawal, we know that it happened in Andrew’s first year with the Foxes because of his night out with him and the Monsters in Columbia. Both of these characters have struggled with addiction and while there are other characters in AFTG who also go through similar things - Aaron and Andrew, and probably Seth at some point as well - this isn’t just about the addiction. It’s about how Nina finds powers she didn’t think were possible in the aftermath of taking parem and how Matt becomes stronger and overcomes his addiction after Columbia. It’s about how Nina is so far away from home, and how Matt finally found a home he feels comfortable in after bad memories with his dad and his mum always moving around.

Matthias -> Aaron Both Matthias and Aaron were brought up believing things about people that weren’t necessarily true. For Matthias it was that grisha are unnatural, and that it was his job as a Fjerdan, and by extension, drüskelle, to rid the world of them. Aaron’s mother taught him to hold homophobic beliefs. Both of these things impacted the way that these characters view the world, and even people who are close to them. It took Matthias a long time to accept Nina - and also Jesper and Kuwei - for who she is as a grisha, and we can see that even near the end of crooked kingdom he is struggling to see that the things that the grisha can do is a natural thing. Aaron has the same reaction to Nicky and Andrew throughout the course of AFTG, and it’s obvious that he doesn’t like it when Nicky so openly flirts with Neil in the beginning of TFC until Andrew stops it, and he struggles to accept Andrew and Neil’s relationship after the Baltimore scene. But both of these characters also put aside the things they were taught to believe because that is their family and they love them no matter what.

#all for the game #six of crows #neil josten #andrew minyard #kevin day #renee walker #aaron minyard #matt boyd #kaz brekker #inej ghafa #jesper fahey #wylan van eck #nina zenik #matthias helvar

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dayzone · 4 years ago

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actually.. if you think about it... andrew surfer bro but with knives

i think the spears lived in cali ?? but if i’m wrong au where they lived in cali and richard spear loved to surf, had tons of boards and taught drew how to surf.

once richard deems andrew Proficient he tells drew he can go wild, remembering when he was a kid and spent sunrise to sundown on the beach with friends

he knows drew doesn’t have many, if any, friends so he thinks this could be a way for him to connect bc a lot of kids surf in their beach front town

andrew won’t admit it but he loves surfing, it’s an escape, there’s no expectations, no one expects him to hold a conversation or “open up” if he’s too busy in the ocean catching waves or just sitting on his board on a calm day

it helps to escape... everything else too, he can let his mind go blank and only focus on riding waves and not drowning

drew has a respect for the ocean, knows how easily he could get lost in it, so he can’t let his mind wander when he’s out there

surfing is something he doesn’t admit to missing but he does prefer it over exy

everyone always has something to say about how he plays exy but surfing is just something that’s his

flash forward a few years, say his third year at psu, and no one except andrew knows about his interest in surfing

until kevin and neil drag him to cali to catch up with jean and jeremy

eventually jeremy and andrew agree to let kevin, neil, and jean spend time together by themselves and somehow they end up on the beach together, andrew in a borrowed wetsuit and a board tucked under his arm

jeremy had, almost jokingly, suggested that they kill time by jeremy teaching drew to surf and drew just.... takes the chance and asks if jeremy has an extra shortboard

and that’s how jeremy learns that andrew minyard is actually pretty good on a surfboard

in the years before andrew tells kevin and neil that he can surf, andrew and jeremy have a silent tradition of spending time together in the ocean while the other three do their own thing, and neither andrew nor jeremy tell anyone what exactly it is the two of them sneak off to do

years later andrew tells kevin and neil who taught him how to surf after a very memorable beach day

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yourcasualfangirl · 4 years ago

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Foxes children!! Because they don’t get spoken about enough!!

Kevin-

- one son, born after a one night stand when he was around 26

- in the height of his career, he was still reliant on alcohol heavily but the mother (let’s call her sally) said he didn’t have to be involved

- his plan was to slowly clean up his act but still have exy as his main focus, he knew he’d be a shit father and he didn’t want the kid to have to deal with that. Plus the press would never leave that kid alone, the son of a legacy and all that

- the day Jack Andrew Day was born was the best day of Kevin’s life, even if he knew he wasn’t going to be very involved he knew it was better that way

- Andrew pretended to hate the namesake, but he loved it. It was a reminder of all the years Andrew kept Kevin safe, the first person who made Kevin feel as if he was more than the sum of his exy talent

- after Ri*o and the ravens Kevin knew he didn’t know how to be a father, to be a nurturing, kind and patient person. He had never been shown that and he didn’t know how, sure he had Whymack but he only met him when he was 20

- things were fine for a while, the foxes had met Jack a couple times and Kevin was never really alone with him (he didn’t know what to do if he was, babies weren’t around in the nest)

- but then everything changed

- Matt and Dan were visiting with their two year old son when Sally asked if he could watch Jack for the afternoon, to which of course he said yes, dan and Matt were there it was all fine. He couldn’t break or permanently scar the child in one afternoon

-except Sally didn’t come back. Hours turned into days turned into weeks. She was nowhere to be found.

- now Kevin had a baby, a baby he didn’t know what to do with. A baby that was legally his. He saw what the system did to andrew and he’d raise it himself before he let that happen to his son.

- he was also still playing pro, he was living in New York and playing on the team there. Neil and Andrew on his team as well, of course he could go stay with them but what did they know about children

- soon enough dan and Matt had to go back to Virginia, Dan was the couch of a high school exy team and Matt played there professionally

- and Kevin was stuck. He didn’t know what the fuck he was going to do.

- enter Aaron and kaytlyn. Also living in New York and working at the hospital, they happened to have spare time

- enter the rest of the foxes doing whatever they could to make sure this wonderful baby was safe, happy and loved because they had all known what it was like to grow up without those things

- so they all helped, they helped Kevin stop drinking, they took the baby when he had to play and sometimes they’d bring him to the games

- Jack and Kevin became inseparable, it took a while but they made it work. They travelled all over the place and jack himself grew up all around America, with Aaron and Kate in New York, with Andrew and Neil, with Allison in Boston and Renee in Maine, with Dan and Matt in Virgina and sometimes he’d spend summer with Nicky in Germany.

- Jack was always happy, laughing and grew up seeing the absolute best in people. He helped Kevin just as much as Kevin did him. Jack never hid his emotions, he never felt he had to, and for the first time in his life neither did Kevin

- when he was old enough to learn about what happened to the foxes, why they went to Palmetto he cried. They all tried to explain their story to him, they all tried to make it seem not as bad as it was

- for a little while Jack stopped believeing in the good in the world. He stopped believeing that people could be saved and that there was good in everyone. Because these people had hurt his family. They people he loved had been hurt so bad, Jack had to many emotions he didn’t know what to do with

- he was mad he didn’t know, that he had grown up oblivious to all the pain and secrets, he was so sad for the first time in his life.

- but eventually (with the help of all the foxes) he started to see the good again, he started to understand more and in the end he knew it made him a better person

- and now he knew, why uncle Andrew had taught him consent when he was so small (he used it every time, with everyone), he knew why uncle Aaron and Matt touched their arms when they were sad or upset, why Aaron couldn’t be in a locked room and flinched at loud noises, he knew why aunt Dan would always tell him to never be ashamed, he knew why aunt Allison always reminded him they’d love him no matter what, he knew why uncle Nicky made sure he always accepted himself, he knew why aunt Renee taught him about finding the good in people and always trying to be a good person, and he knew why uncle Neil sometimes had his bad days and couldn’t talk to anyone.

- the next time Kevin got that look in his eyes, when he wasn’t quite dad Jack day beside him and asked him if he could hug him. When Kevin said yes, quite confused, Jack hugged him and promised him it would be okay.

- None of the foxes quite understood how they raised a boy that good

- but they did

- when Jack came out to Kevin it was the scariest day of this life. He knew he’d accept him, he knew because uncle Nicky and Andrew and Neil and Renee. Because Kevin loved them all the same. But still he was terrified. How was he supposed to explain it, how was he supposed to tell him he got a boyfriend.

- Jack day came out as pansexual when he was 15, and he cried. He cried when Kevin told him he loved him and Kevin cried too and it was a mess. But that’s okay.

- Now Jack Day date’s. Oh god does he date. He loves people and everything that goes with it, he dates guys girls and everything in between, and he gives everything he has to everyone.

- also he plays exy. He started in little league because he wanted to be just like his dad and found a love for it. He was a captain and a leader just like his uncle Jeremy. He plays striker and when the foxes all get together during holidays back at abbys he and Kevin go head to head. He gives Kevin a goddamn run for his money every. Time.

- he grew to be 6’6 and a half, Aaron and Andrew were outraged

- hes so full of love and hapiness everyone’s so confused, hes Jeremy Knox reincarnated

- he looks exactly like his father

- also he speaks so many languages, French with Kevin and Jean and Neil, english ofc, German with the cousins and Neil, Russian with andriel, and then him and Andrew learnt Bulgarian secretly to fuck with everyone because they are Human Chaos

- also he’s a hufflepuff through and through with his uncle Andrew and gets them matching scarves

- him and Andrew watch crime shows together whenever he stays with them, they’re obsessed

This is so long but I have so many feelings about Jack Day being the sweetest boy ever and helping Kevin heal and AHHH.

There are more ideas about other fox children so I might post those later.

#aftg #kevin day #andrew minyard #neil josten #aaron minyard #matt boyd #dan wilds #renee walker #allison reynolds #all for the game #all for the angst #LET THEM BE HAPPY PLS #jack day is queer 2020

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ghost-in-the-stalls · 4 years ago

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your hc about mary please🤲🏻🤲🏻

Aw thanks so much for asking!! Idk if you're the same anon that asked about Tilda or a different one, but I appreciate you just the same 😍 no one has interacted with the Tilda post yet from what I can see so idk if people care about this in general but im glad you do! And I'd love to share regardless.

Once again this'll probably be long so it's going under a cut. Cw for normal aftg stuff but then also a little human trafficking mention in the beginning and general abuse/neglect both physical and emotional.

And once again this is in no way to excuse Mary's shitty behavior. She and Tilda were both abusive and terrible mothers and this is more just an exploration of the character and her mentality than anything else. I just love character depth.

Finally, I apologize if this isn't very well worded. I'm pretty tired but I dont like editing myself lmao I'd rather just get this out now. I think I get my points across clearly enough so I don't care as much about how good or bad the writing is

So Mary's mother was a woman who I consider not only having married into the Hatfords but who was basically like... sold to them as a child. Like maybe she was the illegitimate child of some other wealthy family who happened to owe some kind of debt to the Hatfords. And the Hatfords had only one son and were struggling to have another, but were desperate to keep the family line going. So they took this baby in exchange for forgiving a debt, and raised her to one day marry their son.

So this girl (whose name I've decided is Marion for some reason) is raised as a member of the family but like... slightly less. Treated as more of an object than a person. They basically only gave her enough of an education for her to get by, and made sure she knew from a young age that her sole purpose in the family was to marry their son (let's call him Samuel).

So you can imagine she didn't grow into a very happy woman. But she filled her role. She married Samuel Hatford, gave him 3 kids, and then pretended to stay out of the way. Stuart was the oldest, Mary in the middle, and I hc they had a younger sister as well. Don't ask me why. That just popped into my head one day and now I can't imagine otherwise.

So this family dynamic was fucked from the beginning. See Marion filled her role, but she had plans. In raising her children, she gave a great deal of care and attention to Stuart as he was the eldest and the only son. He was to inherit the family business upon his father's death or retirement. And she wanted to make sure she was taken care of properly in her old age. So she made Stuart feel as loved and doted on as she could.

Her daughters served her no purpose, so they got very different treatment. Mary especially was affected by this. The youngest daughter was able to generally slip under the radar and find her own niche in the world (married into a powerful wealthy family through a man she genuinely loved and that was already more than anyone needed or expected from her).

But Mary. She felt her mother's cold shoulder on a very deep level. Their father wasn't exactly a family man- couldn't be bothered. And here was her mother, so plainly and openly playing favorites. Stuart would get hugs and soft words while Mary would- on a good day- get slapped for even opening her mouth. See Mary and her sister were never meant to have any real power in the family. So what did it matter to Marion what grudges they held against her?

So enough years go by and Marion decides its taking too long for her husband to retire. So she takes matters into her own hands. Starts slowly slipping poison into his meals in very small doses until he's too weak to fight back when she slits his throat. She doesn't hide what she did. She doesn't need to. When Stuart takes over at 22 years old, he can't find it in himself NOT to protect her.

But I'm getting carried away. So Mary was now in a pretty weird spot. Stuart being in charge gave her a bit stronger footing in the family (they'd always had a very close relationship despite their mother's attitude), but she was still lower rung. She still suffered at the hands of her mother's emotional neglect and manipulation. And she was getting tired of it.

In comes Nathan Wesninski. See the thing I imagine with Nathan is that he is actually incredible charming. His knives can only get him so much when there are people he can't reach to cut up. And when his rising empire starts doing business with the Hatfords, he and Mary latch onto one another very quickly.

They each have their own intentions in the relationship and neither of them are blind to that. But it wasn't an arranged marriage. See Mary saw Nathan as her ticket up and out. She knew he was vying for power and she knew he was fully capable of getting it. I wouldn't go as far to say they were ever in love- I don't think either of them were ever really capable of that- but Mary definitely had some strong faith in what their relationship could be.

Now, when she looked forward, she finally saw herself on top. She saw her and Nathan standing side by side. That power that had always been out of reach for her? It was now in sight, and she definitely was blinded by that. She didn't see what Nathan really was until she was in too deep.

Stuart and the younger sister had disapproved of Mary and Nathan being together from the beginning. Being in business with him, Stuart knew what Nathan really was and how much he could drag Mary down. Their younger sister had just learned to be much better at reading people. But it didn't matter what they said. Mary had her plan and nothing was going to take it from her.

Mary's commitment to marrying Nathan and Stuart's blatant disapproval of him created a deep rift between them. They had always been very close, but Mary saw his interference as an attempt to keep her in her place. She was stubborn and refused to back down. By the time she and Nathan got married, her and Stuart were barely on speaking terms.

Now the thing is, Nathan knew what he wanted out of Mary. And he also knew that once he had her, she wouldn't be able to go anywhere until he got what he wanted.

It didn't take too long for Mary to come to understand that what they had was never and would never be a partnership. She was a tool to him. And by the time she had Abram, he was already beating her into submission and openly fooling around with Lola on the side.

But now she was stuck. Their marriage may not have been arranged, but it was still a business deal. And even if it wasn't, Nathan wasn't going to let her go anywhere.

Once it became clear that Abram wasn't going to make an appropriate heir for the Wesninski business and Nathan tried to sell him to the Moriyamas, Mary decided she'd had enough. She was going to get out one way or another.

Now here's the thing. We know what Mary was like with Neil when they were on the run. We know how abusive and controlling she was. And she could say it was for his own good all she wanted. But ultimately, it was all about power. She had been beaten down from the very start of her life. She'd been left in the dust, bloody and bruised, while those around her rose to a power that was always just out of her reach.

But now it was just her and her son. And they may not even have the luxury of being real people anymore, but damn if she was going to lose the one thing she was able to call hers- the one thing in the world she actually had power over.

Because that's really all it's ever about isn't it? Mary Hatford wasn't capable of loving anything or anyone. The people who'd raised her and made her who she was had never taught her how to do that. And maybe the fierce protectiveness she had over Abram was the closest she could get to it. But really she just ultimately became the same thing she had always been fighting against. Now it was her own heavy and swift hands doling out punishment to a misbehaving child. Now she herself was the one getting the last word and making all the decisions. Now she had someone following her every command.

It eventually became clear to her that she very likely would die sooner or later at the hands of Nathan and his men. She could only run so far and for so long. But even in her death, she knew she would never let them take what was hers. She never took Abram to Stuart because the break in their relationship was beyond repair at this point. But she still would prefer Abram eventually ended up in his protection than at the end of Nathan's knife. But until these things came, she took Abram and kept running. The more days they ran, the more days she had of power over him and freedom from everything else. The more able she was to ensure that Abram would keep running after her death; that he'd never fall under anyone else's power and that her voice would be the only one left in his head at the end of each day.

If she could see where he'd ended up, she'd be furious (and she'd be surprised at her own fury, as introspection wasn't something she indulged in often). He was never meant to live. He was never meant to move on from her memory or to leave her dying request behind.

But, at the same time, good for him for finding his own strength and place in the world. Because of course it could only happen once she was gone.

---

So thats my take on Mary. Once again, she was a piece of shit just like Tilda. This is not to do anything other than explore the character and give her complexity. I do genuinely believed she "loved" Neil in the only way she could ever be capable of loving anyone. But it wasn't love. It was possession. And good on both him and Andrew (and Aaron and Nicky for that matter) for being able to slowly learn to heal from the abuse they suffered at the hands of their parents.

Thanks so much again for asking!! It means a lot and I love to share my headcanons 😊❤

#aftg #aftg meta #mary hatford #stuart hatford #neil josten #nathan wesninski #nathaniel wesninski #abram hatford #tfc #my writing

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darkblueboxs · 4 years ago

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Heatwave

For the #aftgsummer event

Prompt: Hot Day

Read here or on AO3 (Check AO3 notes for content warnings)

“It’s hot,” Neil says. He shakes the air con so hard the screws rattle, and when that fails to achieve the desired response, he smacks it. “It’s too damn hot. Come on”

Andrew watches from his beanbag, which he has not moved from since he staggered into the living room hours prior. The leathery material is sticking to his back, and he can feel sweat pooling at the base of his spine, but he suspects that any attempt to leave the soft cocoon would result in half his skin being pulled off. Besides, he has no desire to move, not when Neil is putting on such an entertaining spectacle.

Neil doesn’t get hot and bothered often, not in the emotional sense. He had the kind of upbringing that taught him to swallow down everything from mild inconvenience to full-on catastrophe, so the rare occasions when he does indulge in petty irritations are a sight to behold. He’s still, against all logic, wearing his usual shitty jorts and long-sleeved shirt, pacing around the dorm like a tiger in a cage. Andrew has heard of studies on the correlation between weather, mood and behaviour – snow, for instance, was supposedly a hair-trigger for certain types of meltdown, while riots and revolutions were more likely to occur during heatwaves. Andrew can believe that; Neil seems to be only a few degrees short of storming the pentagon. With the pavements outside turning to steaming slabs of suntrap tar, running outdoors is no longer a practical option. At least, not for any sane person. Andrew had kindly persuaded Neil to return his running shoes to their place by the door with a few creative notes about all the places he could hide Neil’s sunburned, heatstroke-ridden corpse.

Giving up on the temperamental air conditioner, Neil resorts to kneeling in front of the open fridge door. The expression he makes as the cool air washes over him is borderline pornographic. A bead of sweat rolls down the back of his neck before slipping out of sight below the hem of his shirt.

“Juice,” says Andrew.

“Huh?”

In lieu of repeating himself, he makes grabby hands at the orange juice in the fridge door until Neil gets the point. Instead of hunting for a glass, he tosses Andrew the entire carton. Andrew has many disparaging things to say about Neil’s intelligence, but he does have his moments.

After draining the carton in a minute flat, Andrew chucks the empty container at the bin, pretending not to be annoyed when he misses. Neil leans forward as though to pick it up, but as soon as he leaves the radius of the fridge he slumps as though the returning heat has drained all of the energy from his body. “I’m going insane,” he says. He stretches for the carton, accidently knocks it further away, and gives up, rolling onto his back. “Andrew,” he groans. It’s a particular kind of groan, one designed to catch Andrew’s attention, and it works. “Andrew, it’s too hot.”

“Do I control the weather?” Andrew replies.

Neil groans again, shifts, and there’s a sticky-things-becoming-unstuck kind of noise as Neil peels himself off the linoleum. “How are you still wearing black? In this?”

“You’re wearing a long-sleeved shirt.”

“I’m covering scars.”

“From who?”

Neil shrugs. “People might come.”

Andrew’s eyes flick to the door. They have been mercifully undisturbed for most of the morning, and the schedules of their roommates that he unintentionally memorised say that they should be left to themselves for the afternoon too. But only should.

Andrew pulls himself out of the beanbag. The sensation is not pleasant. “Come on.”

Neil blinks up at him from the floor. “Hnnn?”

Andrew shuts the fridge door. “Move.”

Even parked under the shade of the tree, the Maseretti is so unbearably stuffy that Andrew considers turning around and giving up then and there. Neil swears as the scorching metal clasp of the seatbelt catches his arm, and it takes a solid minute of mirror adjustments for Andrew to find angles that won’t bounce sunlight directly into his eyes. Soon, however, they are pulling onto the motorway, windows rolled down and the A/C on full blast. Neil’s complaints that the open windows will defeat the purpose of the A/C are duly ignored.

The house in Columbia is no cooler than the dorm, but it has curtains, and a lockable door, and privacy.

Neil watches quizzically as Andrew tugs the living room curtains closed. The faintest tease of a breeze toys with them, while the sunlight hammering unsuccessfully at the other side of the obnoxious turquoise fabric casts cooling blue hues across the floor. “Andrew?” he says by way of query.

“People won’t come here.”

Neil snorts. “There’s easier ways of getting me out of my clothes, you know.”

“That isn’t what I was trying to do.”

“Then what were you trying to do?”

“Shut you up.”

“There’s easier ways of doing that, too.” Neil smiles, heading towards the kitchen as he pulls his shirt over his head. A moment later, there’s a clink as the fridge door opens, followed by a sigh. “Nothing but beer.”

“I’ll shop.”

Neil agrees with a distant grunt; Andrew suspects he has been caught in the hypnotic cool of another refrigerator like a mesmerised anglerfish meal. He leaves Neil with his newfound love and returns half an hour later with most of a supermarket freezer section under his arm. He finds Neil stretched out on the couch, stripped down to his underwear and blankly watching sports commentators bicker on the television. They’re discussing baseball, which speaks volumes to the depth of Neil’s boredom.

Andrew allows himself a moment to take in the sweat-slick stretch of Neil’s body before the condensation seeping into his top reminds him of the soon-to-be-melted goods waiting to be stored. He returns from the kitchen with a bottle of water which he all but forces down Neil’s throat. Neil pulls himself upright as he wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, smiling in that faintly surprised way of his that prompts Andrew to re-evaluate every decision which brought him to this infuriating man. Andrew leans across him to steal the remote, carefully ignoring the heat radiating off Neil’s exposed torso as he does so. The rare, scar-free stretches of skin are flushed a few shades darker than usual, and the blush spreads all the way across Neil’s chest and neck, right up into his hairline.

Andrew flicks the television off. “Boring.”

Neil huffs, but doesn’t fight him on it. They finish their drinks in silence.

“You don’t have to cover up either, if you don’t want to,” Neil says eventually. “I can go somewhere else if you need me to.”

Andrew considers the idea, turns it around and considers from another angle, weighs the pros and cons and risk and reward, and decides, fine. He pulls his shirt off – a thin, cotton tank which he didn’t realise was such a weight until the weight was gone – and dumps his armbands on the floor beside it. Surprise flashes across Neil’s features before he carefully moves his gaze back to the blank TV screen.

“Neil,” Andrew says. Neil hums, but doesn’t turn, so Andrew catches his chin and turns him to face him. “You can look.”

“Oh,” says Neil, and his eyes drop to Andrew’s chest. “You don’t mind?”

“Not today. Not with you.”

“Oh,” Neil says, and his eyes roam carefully over the flat of Andrew’s chest, then down towards his abdomen, catching on the faint blond curls that trail downwards from his navel. His gaze is slow and studious like a scholar memorizing an ancient manuscript, admiring yet respectful. Andrew never liked being looked at before Neil, but perhaps it was only because no one else looked at him the way Neil did.

Neil keeps his hands fisted in the couch fabric as Andrew kisses him, which is as frustrating as it is endearing. Neil’s skin tastes of sweat and shitty dollar-store shower gel, and Andrew all but licks it off him.

Neil mutters something. Andrew pulls back. “What?”

“I said,” Neil says, “It’s hot.”

“I still don’t control the weather.”

“Not what I meant,” he says, and when Andrew guides his hands to the yeses and the nos of his exposed skin, Neil is quick to catch on.

Somewhere between the couch and the shower and the couch again, the last of the cabin-fever tension leaves Neil’s body. They chew through tubs of ice-cream, limbs splayed around each other but not quite touching - because any skin-to-skin contact outwith the allure of sex is just too damn sticky - and eventually the sunlight gives up on battering at the curtains as the sun collapses on the horizon.

“Do you have measurements for the fridge?” Neil asks vaguely.

“Why?”

“I was thinking, if I removed all the shelves, I would probably fit inside.”

“Hmm.” Andrew drops his spoon into the empty tub. “Another potential hiding place for your corpse.”

“I still say there’s easier ways of shutting me up,”

“Perhaps,” Andrew acknowledges. Neil’s answering smile shines brighter than the sun.

Thanks for reading! Let me know what you thought :)

#andreil #the foxhole court #all for the game #tfc #aftg summer #aftg #aftgsummer #my fic

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twiniyard · 4 years ago

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aaron minyard

‘break down a character’ from @benhanscomisnotstraight

ooo i could talk about aaron minyard all day

-how i feel about this character: i love aaron, he’s flawed, we all know it, but i love him. i think i should mention his h*mophobia because that is the main reason he is hated in the fandom and i hate that part of him, too. The fact that he’s a dick to nicky and neil about their sexualtiy SUCKS. He may have been taught this behavior as a child, but aaron is an adult. and. has. no. excuse! I have a headcanon (and I know a lot of you do too!) that aaron changes a lot after neil’s first year and embraces his part of the LGBTQ+ community. another one of my headcanons is that he apologizes to neil for what aaron accused of him in the cabin AND he apologizes to nicky infinity times for being h*mophobic. aaron had a shit ass childhood and was abused by one of the only people he ever trusted, so he has as much needed healing and changing as the other foxes do and im here to support him. 😊 change, bitch!

-all the people i ship romantically with this character: katelyn and kevin

-my non-romantic OTP with this character: nicky, they grew up together and I feel like they share similar senses of humor even if aaron doesn’t show it. i also believe aaron gets closer to kevin and then eventually neil and even more eventually andrew. they are family through birth/choice and they love each other and THEY HEAL TOGETHER.

-my unpopular opinion about this character: woof. um aaron is soft. or at least he wants to be. he doesn’t attempt to be heartless or violent or outwardly mean to the people he cares about -- as is katelyn and nicky. When neil tells Andrew (in german) about his face scar being caused by a car lighter, nicky is visibly upset and aaron goes over to nicky to put a hand on him for comfort. THAT’S SOFT. he isn’t afraid to show PDA with kate after Andrew gives *his blessing* which I think is sweet. So my unpopular opinion of aaron is that he in NOT soft but he wants to be soft.

-one thing that i wished had happen / would happen with this character in canon: i wish we could have seen more of his reaction and bad dreams after he k*lled drake. like I think he’s happy to have killed that fuckass p*dophile, but it also messed with him, naturally. Also his trial would give us so much more aaron content and character development!! but basically I wanted the story told through all five years of neil’s undergrad so I basically just wanted more content in general

*i’m adding a few of my MANY aaron HEADCANONS for myself: he and nicky never talk to nickys parents again after aaron’s trial, aaron is part of the LGBTQ+ community, he and kate have a few ‘oopsie babies’ but they are great parents and are very happy to make neil/andrew/nicky/kevin uncles, aaron becomes a chiropractor or another kind of doctor, ‘the monsters’ don’t hurt each other once they start healing, aaron and andrew have legit progress and become friends – I have more but that could be for a later date*

#aaron minyard #sry this is too long but this man is a loaded topic #so much more could be sajd #aaron #aftg #tkm #asks #all for the game #hc

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sucker-for-minyard · 4 years ago

Text

When i say that "All For The Game" is important to me and helped me undestand my personal limits, i mean it.

[Tw: harassment]

When i was 10, i started to study in a school called "CEN". There, i made incredible friends, but also not so great ones.

From my first year there (10yo) to my last year there (13yo), i was basically in a school were the people, specially the older ones, had NO CONCEPT of CONSENT AND PERSONAL SPACE.

I lost the count of how many times teenagers would lift my skirt or my shirt, take off my bra, touch my breasts or kiss me without warning.

I was 10!!!! Starting to learn about my body, entering puberty, and i had the worst example possible.

Eventually, i just thought it was normal. It was ok for a friend, who was 16, to grope me, 11, when we passed through each other in the corridor.

It was ok for me to have these older guys hitting on me and talking openly about sexual stuff.

it was ok for people that i DIDN'T EVEN KNOW to touch my body. to kiss me.

it was ok for a friend to grope me and disrespect my body, because that's what people do when they like you. right? right?

i had no idea how much i was disrespecting myself, and how everything that happened would impact my relationship with others in the future.

Fast foward to when i was 14, and moved to another school for X reasons.

I legitimately thought that everyone hated me. I cried to my parents bc i thought that no one wanted to be friends with me.

Guess why.

Because in months there, no one touched me in a weird way. No one disrespected my body. No one forced themselves into my personal space.

I was devastated, and was always on edge, thinking that my friends would go away in any second.

At the same time, i met a guy that I'll call "Adam" bc i don't need his name here. He was the boyfriend of one of my friends from CEN. And we became friends really quickly.

We would call each other for HOURS. He was two years older.

And one day, he started to flirt with me.

I had NO EXPERIENCE dating. I never had someone that i was in love with, and the thought of someone older and pretty and interesting would like ME was just too much. I fell head over heels for him. Not in love. Just, emotionally attached.

He kept flirting, initially nothing much, but then he started to talk about sexual things. Things that he wanted me to do to him and with him. What he wanted to do with me.

And one day, he just called me while jerking off.

I was terrified. I didn't knew how to tell him to 'stop'. That i didn't liked that kind of friendship. Because i didn't want to lose him.

So i just kept letting it happen. Until he decided to grope me in front of his girlfriend and i just had too much.

I went home and cried for hours with my mom on the phone. You know what she said? That it was my fault, since i gave him so much liberty.

That sentence really stayed with me.

And then the year was ending, and i was waiting for my friends from school to finally walk away and stop talking to me.

But they didn't. I did.

And the next year, when i was 15, i was in a new school.

I spent one year there with no problems. Didn't really bond with anyone but was starting to make some friends. It was nice, even tho i was basically being bullied by my classmates. I could ignore it and so i did.

Fast foward to Last year, 2019. now i had 16. Most of my year passed normaly. I never liked studying but i did the minimum to not fail.

And then, in September, i met someone in a party. I'll call him "Dave" because i don't want to put his real name in my blog.

Dave was clearly a 'rebel without a cause'. He smoked and drank without caring about his health. He was cool and everyone wanted to hang out with him. He painted his nails and played the guitar.

And for some reason, he wanted to hook up with me. Not date.

And i fell for it. I kissed him once and was already in heaven. How the fuck someone so cool wanted ME? I had no idea but i was loving it.

Soon we became best friends, we hanged out literally everyday and shit.

And then we became "friends with benefits" lmao. I was in love with him, and he couldn't choose between me and another person (that i won't say the name. today he is one of my best friends).

All of my close friends at the time warned me about Dave. How he treated me badly, how rude he was with me, how he was using me. But i thought that i was in love and ignored everything.

And two months passed like that. I slept in his house 3 times a week. I spent all weekends with him, i drank too much and i started smoking like an idiot.

And one day, after a huge fight me and Dave had, my dad said that my family was going to move to another state.

I called Dave immediately, and went to his house.

Only then we started dating. Because i was going away in two months, suddenly he was ok with dating me.

Adam was terrible and i was so unhappy.

Before we started dating, and even after that, i never had the right to say "no".

It was never about me. What i wanted. What i could give. What i was able to give.

I would come to his house, drunk, and he would ignore that i could not truly give consent and make me do whatever he wanted me to do.

I never felt loved.

My body was not mine. I had no right to control my own body.

I was with someone that would not accept a "no". I was with someone that would threaten to kill himself if i hurted him. I was with someone that said that he would kil me, and beat me, if i didn't do as he told.

He hit me once. And even after that, i didn't break up with him. And as always, he never, NEVER, apologized.

I was, again, in a relationship that taught me nothing about consent, respect and limitations. And it was destroying me without me noticing it.

But two months later, the day came and o moved. Even so the abuse didn't stop there.

He kept emotionally manipulating me, making me feel guilty for not being there. He said that i wasnt the person that he thought that i would be. That i never helped him and never made him happy. He said that i didn't truly love him.

Eventually, we parted ways. He stoped sending me messages and i stopped trying to be there.

I felt empty, and loveless, and it was like i had failed. I felt like i wasn't enough. I failed because i wasn't able to give enough of myself to him.

And now, a couple of months ago.

Someone on twitter mentioned AFTG and i didn't have anything better to do.

I fell in love with the book. I did. But there were so many triggers and had to take it slow.

I KNOW it sounds like I'm reading too deep into it, but please understand.

When i saw the way that Andrew and Neil interacted, as two different individuals, with different needs and different limitations, i was devastated.

I could not handle seeing how respectful and caring they were about each others triggers and traumas.

How Neil respected every single "no".

And how Andrew was able to say "no" without caring about what Neil would feel.

Because, when you say "no", it's for you, you're respecting yourself. And if your special someone can't undestand and respect that, they're not worth it.

I didn't understand that. To be honest, I'm still having a hard time to think about everything that happened to me like it was "harassment" or "assault".

I didn't say yes, but i also didn't say no

And, again, I'm sorry if it seems like I'm reading too deep into it.

Andrew and Neil have this "yes or no" think that left me speechless.

How can someone just respect you so much that they won't touch you unless you give clear permission?

I cried too much, and had enough panic attacks while i was reading the books. There were too many triggers but i kept going because i felt like i needed to.

I never had thought that, when you're drunk, you can't give consent. I never worried about that because no one worried about me when i was drunk. No one asked me anything.

The idea of having someone that will understand if you don't want to be touched, somone that will stay there and wait inutil you're okay, someone that loves you enough to respect if you're not ok... it was too much. Really.

Suddenly all of my relationship with my ex was passing in front of my eyes and i finally saw how abusive it was. How much he didn't care. How i trusted someone that couldn't give a shit about what i was feeling.

It's not that i didn't knew it was abusive. But seeing a relationship so opposite, like Andreil, was a chock.

"All For The Game" brought up things that usually are ignored.

Even if the trilogy is not focused on Andreil, the amount of importance that it puts in "consenting", is amazing.

I started to think about me and my body and how i was treating myself.

And how much i wanted someone that will respect me and love me and take care of me.

It sound dumb but I'm truly grateful. All For The Game is just fiction. But it talks about serious matters with a respectful and realistic approach.

It's "just a book" but it showed me a kind of relationship that i never saw. It affected me.

This is a huge vent because i had a panick attack during my therapy session and i needed to write it.

#all for the game #the foxhole court #aftg #vent #i really love aftg #girls guys and pals stay safe #take care of yourself #respect your body #the raven king #tfc #andreil

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xlady-saya · 4 years ago

Text

I’ve had a love of my own [ch. 4]

Relationships: andrew/neil

Summary: Despite everything Neil could’ve imagined for his life, he never thought he’d be here, finally giving the world the interview they’ve always wanted.

It’s been decades, but even with his numerous accolades and sports wins, he finds that they’re the least important thing about his life.

Neil can’t help but laugh. Andrew would be so annoyed if he were here.

Of course, Neil only wants to talk about him, and the life they spent together.

Tags: interviews, post canon, major character death but not how u think I swear lol, neil is an old man retelling his memories about andrew, cheesy romance, post retirement, see more tags on ao3

Read on ao3!

Rayah hands him tissues, but Neil passes them back.

She needs them.

Blake too, from the snot he's trying to wipe on the back of his hand. Weird, how Neil doesn't necessarily view this as a fond memory, or even the most important one he has to offer. It happened though, but he sees it more as a halfway point.

His journey with Andrew had really only begun, and he hadn't even known. So much time left, not infinite, but vast.

"You must've been so afraid," Rayah says, blowing into the tissue enough for Neil to lean back. He's glad they're there to break up the memory, he's become weak in his old age. Memories of the past can't come back to hurt him, Andrew taught him that.

Still, they can feel like barbed wire around his throat.

"I was," Neil affirms, checking his watch. Sydney will be due back soon, he can't linger much longer. "Andrew's reaction then was almost worse than the one on the court. Andrew was never violent with me, but I'd seen him lose control, I'd seen his rage. It had been so long...that was the first time in a long time he really looked like he wanted to tear the world apart."

Neil finally had a vague idea of what Baltimore was like for everyone else, and he finds himself grinning down at his hands.

"Funny, I was so worried about leaving Andrew," Neil mentions, and watches both Blake and Rayah freeze. When had they started hanging onto his words? He shakes his head, touching the watch on his wrist. "But now I'm here."

At their sad faces, he corrects himself, holding up his hands with a laugh. "No no, I don't see it the way I saw it then!" In fact, he sees it more how Andrew saw it. There was no way for them to be apart after everything they'd been through together. Neil's smile fades, his words serious, and he moves the recorder a little closer. His voice is crystal clear when he says: "Andrew didn't leave me. I was not abandoned."

He could never be abandoned by Andrew. Andrew helped him be at a place where he could never feel that way, and he did the same in return for Andrew. Had Neil gone first, he knows the blond would've managed in much the same way. As much as he would've mourned, he would've had his brother, the rest of their family. All of Neil's excessive Palmetto merch and memorabilia to look after...

They were never each other's answers, just something they didn't want to be without.

"I think I actually ended up being kind of happy, not when he died but later. Andrew's final act was a selfish one. He didn't want to be here without me, so he made sure it wouldn't happen."

Neil finds himself feeling smug, despite his aching. Andrew was someone who always did things for others, despite what he tried to convince people of. Knowing his last act was completely for himself...

Neil couldn't be prouder.

Okay, so he's not going to be able to remain strong. Neil grabs the tissues petulantly, overcome with it. He blames Andrew. "The bastard."

They look away out of respect while he sorts himself out, hands clasped.

Rayah's mascara smears a little when she goes to wipe her red eyes, sticky on her finger, and Blake is so engrossed he doesn't notice when she wipes it against his clean white shirt. He leans forward after a moment, and Neil isn't surprised. A reporter's curiosity is never sated. There's a fire in his eyes, urging Neil on. "What happened next?"

Ha. Now isn't that an interesting question?

Regardless of how terrified Neil felt in the moment, his smile has a smug edge to it when he recalls the night he arrived, the sound of a cane echoing at the back of Neil's head.

He leans back, and keeps his voice low. "They did eventually come."

One night, just as time bleeds over into the next day, there's a click of a lock that reverberates through their entire flat.

Neil instantly knows; the click is akin to a gunshot, a timer going off. No more hiding, nowhere to run.

At least Neil still has some of his reflexes.

Andrew shoots up, knife in hand in half a second, and Neil grabs his own legs like they can save him one last time. No, not himself, Andrew.

His legs, still wrapped up and healing, are not nearly ready for any excessive movements. Neil doesn't care; he throws them over Andrew as quick as he can, and cries out when they land.

It's excruciating.

Movement shouldn't be possible, but Neil has never listened to doctor's orders. The pain is the consequence; it's a blow torch on his tendons, searing every nerve and joint it can. His scream breaks off into strangled gasps, and he feels Andrew halt completely.

It's a dirty trick, but necessary.

Andrew's scowl is almost worse than the blaze of his joints, but Neil doesn't back down. He doesn't weigh much; Andrew could throw him aside with ease. But he won't. Neil's legs are pushed firmly in his lap, resting against his abdomen, pinning Andrew between his own body and the headboard.

There's no way to lunge without hurting Neil, and despite the way Andrew must be weighing the pros and cons of it in his head, Neil is his weak spot. Andrew edges forward in warning, but Neil digs his heels in and whimpers.

"Andrew," he pleads, and the sound from Andrew's throat makes him feel sick.

"Fuck off, Neil," he replies, teeth bared. It's unfair, he gets it. Andrew never got to fight, last time he didn't even know Neil would be taken away. But Neil can't, he just can't--

"No."

Stay down.

Neil wants Andrew to let him fight first, let him try his luck one more time. Andrew's scathing response is cut short by tap of shoes on their hardwood, and they silence themselves, fixated on the door.

Ichirou never follows anyone's schedule but his own. He walks leisurely, calm, and without care for the panic he's caused. His cane clicks offbeat with his footsteps, the sound disjointed and not nearly as polished as the rest of him usually seems.

Neil watches the shadow on the wall grow larger and more distorted, until it finally forms the thin silhouette of the reaper himself.

He never got tired of silk suits, Neil notes. They fit a little better now though; Ichirou has filled them in, not just physically. Neil forgets how young he is, it's been so long since they've seen each other, but he remembers how even someone as menacing and cold as Ichirou had looked new, not yet settled into his role.

That Ichirou is gone.

He walks into the room, ramrod straight and poised, with an air of superiority not many people other than himself and perhaps Allison Reynolds can pull off. It nearly has Neil turning to face him, but he won't, for sake of letting Andrew loose.

Andrew snarls under his breath, but Ichirou's entrance into the room, while dramatic, isn't anything particularly foreboding. In fact, he grabs one of their crappy folding chairs, one Neil's physical therapist uses, and drags it across the room after some consideration. It throws Neil off almost immediately, and the subtle scrape of the chair legs grate on his nerves. However, he hopes it means Ichirou is here to talk.

While Neil knew realistically that would happen, a swift execution wouldn't have surprised him.

Ichirou places the chair down a few feet from them, and the thump of it puts a silencer on the world around them. The street below doesn't dare make a peep. Ichirou regards their positions with an edge of amusement, but lingers on Neil's legs.

"I'll admit I did not know what to expect," he speaks, and his voice reminds Neil of the embers of a fire. Grave, subdued, and ready to be stroked into something far more devastating.

"Lord," Neil replies, and he bows his head despite how much it makes the lump in his throat all the more constricting. "I've been waiting for you."

"I'm sure you have." Ichirou gestures to Neil's legs calmly, and leaves his hand hanging there until Neil looks. Salt in the wound, but Neil does it. "Your father would be happy."

Fury and resentment spike in Neil's chest, and while it may bleed onto his face, it's not much compared to how Andrew tries to lunge forward. All it takes is Neil's wince to stop him, to send him reeling back and torn between checking on him and not taking his eyes off Ichirou.

Neil is glad for his forethought; he wants Andrew to be safe, but even he can't be completely passive. Neil scowls, letting some of the respect melt away.

He can't help it. The cold smile is on his face before he means it to be, and Ichirou inhales sharply. Neil wonders if it's an acknowledgement of one of his own. "Well he's dead, so we'll never know."

He's dead and rotting somewhere, insignificant.

Even when he's hanging on by a thread himself, Neil's comforted by the memory.

Ichirou's eyes narrow, but it's not a threat in his eyes.

"Someone's feeling bold, though I suppose you always are," he says, humming in the back of his throat. "So close to death all your life, nothing to lose. You've never needed my presence to know that."

Neil bites back all he could say, all the things about his life Ichirou wouldn't care about or label as valuable. He has everything to lose now.

"Lord, I know I'm in no position to ask for favors," he says, and Ichirou nods in agreement. Neil's worth and investment potential have run out, if they're going by the bare bones of his contract. Before he can think better of it, he prioritizes what's important. His voice takes on a desperate edge, a critical mistake in front of someone like Ichirou, but unavoidable. "I'm prepared to make my case but—but leave Andrew out of this. He's not—"

A hand finds the back of his neck and squeezes; it's not painful, never painful, but it startles him enough to make him choke on the rest. Andrew's tone rattles against his brain, warning. "If you try to be a martyr in front of me, I'll kill you before he even gets the chance," Andrew bites at him, and Neil glares at the lie. Always a bad liar. But without acknowledging that, Andrew whips around to Ichirou, and his threat has Neil's blood solidifying. On ice, already. "And you, get out of our house."

Neil's hand flies up to squeeze the blond's arm, but he doesn't have the strength to do much. "Andrew."

Ichirou just chuckles, amused as Neil has ever seen him. Instead of threatening Andrew in return or silencing him right then and there, he leans back in the chair, regarding them like they're some species he's never heard of. "You're lucky I'm not here for you. I'm willing to overlook your rudeness because of what I need to say."

Ichirou doesn't so much as glance at Andrew while he says it, nor anytime after, and Neil feels the blond's trembling pour into him. He straightens, watching the careful tap of Ichirou's finger on the cane, and refuses to let himself jolt when those eyes meet his. Darkness meets an ocean blue, and Neil is thankful for the resemblance to his father now. He hopes Ichirou has just as much trouble navigating the sea of his mind, in finding what's locked away.

"Nathaniel," Ichirou begins, then tilts his head. A correction, one that makes Neil hold his breath. "Neil. Given the circumstances, I'm willing to confess a little here. You've always been an enigma to me. For a long time, I did not know whether to label you as a disgusting leech, or the wolf in the henhouse. Or maybe fox is more appropriate. Either way, you're a particularly giant, conniving thorn in my side."

Good, Neil thinks. He never wants to be that known, that easy to pick apart. He never saw himself as a threat though, regardless of his potential, his willingness to claw and bite. Yet, he never took any pleasure in the pain of others unless they deserved it. That was a big difference between him and his father, something that's perhaps hard for Ichirou to wrap his head around.

Neil never asked him before, he realizes. What did Ichirou think of The Butcher?

As if hearing Neil thinking too hard, Ichirou's eyes pierce through him, holding the thoughts hostage, pinning to a wall.

"There's blood on your hands wherever you go," Ichirou muses. "There are nights where I think I should've killed you. You're too dangerous to be let loose, to be kept alive and constantly bearing down on my throat when I don't even realize it. You are the riskiest investment I ever made, and your retirement should be nothing more than an act of charity from the powers above."

Ichirou looks to his cane then, and taps it once, twice against the floor. "I wonder."

He sits there a beat too long to be comfortable, and that's when he reaches into his suit pocket, as if having made up his mind. All Neil sees is the gun, from that point on.

The air in his lungs is ripped clean out, and that's appropriate. He feels like a husk, with Andrew's pleas in his ear to let him up, now Neil, now. But Neil's mind ignores it all, voice tiny and wheezing. "Lord," he tries, but has no idea what to say. "I--"

What? What does he want?

It's the simplest, most pathetic thing. But all he can think is: not in front of Andrew.

Yes, that's it. Neil's panic flares, and it's not his rabbit instincts for once. He doesn't want to be home anymore. He doesn't want to ruin this place they built together, the place they made their home with all their pictures and souvenirs.

He's an idiot, what was he thinking?

He opens his mouth to say as much, and stops short when Ichirou places the gun on his knee. Andrew's gaze tries to melt the thing until it’s molten, and he's just getting more and more frustrated when that doesn't happen. It's still shiny, and very much there. It's so elegant, so unassuming, for being a deliverer of death.

Andrew keeps trying to make Neil budge, to at least move in front of him like a shield, but Neil refuses. His legs cry out in agony, but he'll ignore it until his last breath.

"I'm not done," Ichirou says, and points the gun at them both for good measure before it's back at his side. Neil tracks it up until Ichirou slams his cane on the hardwood, and pulls Neil's gaze back to him. There's a resignation in his gaze Neil doesn't know what to do with, a question not even Neil can parse. And if he can't understand the weight of this, who can?

"I could finally be rid of you. I could wipe the slate clean of yet another risk. You are the only one who threatens me."

Neil bites his tongue; Ichirou's only half speaking to him. Neil wants to argue he would never, there's nothing about that life, the one Ichirou leads, that Neil could want to steal away.

But Ichirou has to know that. Maybe that's the thing he can't wrap his head around, what makes Neil dangerous.

"But it just so happens that some of that blood on your hands was beneficial to me," Ichirou admits, huffing to himself. "Without you and the stress you put on my family's contacts, the animosity towards Riko...I may not have this throne of mine."

Neil chokes on the realization of where this is leading, but doesn't dare to let himself expect it.

Ichirou leans back again, and takes him in with nothing short of disdain. It's the most expressive Neil has ever seen him, the cool veneer stripped away.

"Make no mistake, I am not giving you credit, not even an ounce of it," Ichirou spits out, then he closes his eyes, breathing in to regain a shred of the composure he had when he walked in. Neil doesn't care, he's too busy staring at the furrow in his brow, at the retreating gun. Ichirou's eyes meet his and they're blazing, but the ring of fire doesn't scathe him. Neil seems to be the one point it can't reach. "You don't deserve it. But with your father gone, with my enemies and all those squabbling liabilities rotting in the ground...I can move freely."

He puts away the gun, as slow and conflicted as the movement is. But it's gone. Hidden. Neil's last stroke of luck. May he never be in need of more.

Andrew sneers, unable to help himself. "That sounds like plenty of credit is due."

Any other moment, Neil would wheeze, would fear retaliation. But Ichirou's just shown him his decision, a mind made up. He won't go back on it once he's crossed that line. It's not in his nature.

Funny. No matter how depraved the code of ethics is, it's still there, clean and outlined.

Ichirou stands, contempt clear as he stares down at them. "Think of this as repayment instead, a courtesy if you will," he mutters. "This will close out our account officially. There are some terms. I'll be happy to take that remaining 80% of your pension, your severance, but after? I want nothing to do with you."

The last syllable is laced with thin disgust, but then Ichirou retreats back into himself. The mask returns, an icy veil which emotions don't stand a chance against.

And well, Neil's always been a little stupid. He exhales shakily, his lungs aching from being so deprived. "You...you're letting me go?"

"I'm letting you become someone else's burden," Ichirou glances at Andrew, at the way his fists are still clenched around Neil. "But do not think me merciful."

He could never.

He understands their relationship, or rather, the end of it. That doesn't stop Ichirou from making it exceedingly clear.

His voice fills the room, coating the walls and staining it. It's not as bad as blood, but it's a promise Neil won't soon remove, a reminder that if he wants to keep this home of his, he'll listen. "I’ll extend the courtesy to your companions if they’re ever in the same situation. But if I ever see you again, if I hear that you're involved in anything, from the smallest transaction or negotiation in my circle, in my empire, I will kill you all," Ichirou explains, a vow. Then, his gaze flickers over Andrew one last time, and yes, Neil understands perfectly. He shows it in the way he glares, in the way he calls on his father's ghost one last time. "I will do more than kill you, I will destroy everything about you."

The fear begins to trickle out of him, and maybe that's a bad thing where Neil is concerned. He's not sure what he's exuding right then, but he can feel himself stop shaking, can feel his chin tilt up in a challenge. It's a deceptive calm, but one Ichirou will read correctly.

Acknowledgement, respect, but underneath all that it's a boast. It says I won.

Neil's not sure it can be called that but he owns it, with all his infuriating confidence, he owns it, and makes sure Ichirou knows there will always be some truth to it.

Even if Neil didn't have to convince him, even if Ichirou came to the conclusion all on his own.

He was bested, and Neil has to squash the smile that wants to bloom on his face.

Andrew stops shaking too, his rage reigned in for now. He probably won't sleep for days regardless; the fear, the what ifs...they're too fresh and heavy.

But that's alright. More than alright. Because Neil can spend the rest of their lives making it up to him.

"Do we have a deal?" Ichirou states, like he needs to. But Neil nods anyways. It's a farewell he didn't know he wanted so badly.

"Yes, we do," he says, and adds reluctantly: "Thank you, Lord."

Ichirou inclines his head, and Neil has to bite back any sass. It's a look that says 'don't thank me yet. Don't thank me until you're old and gray.'

With that final warning, Ichirou turns away, and neither of them dare to move.

That's where the acknowledgement ends; Ichirou reaches the door, and without looking back, solidifies his exit from Neil's life.

"Goodbye, Neil Josten."

They don't move at first. They listen to the disjointed steps as Ichirou leaves, and only when it sinks in that he's walking away does Neil feel Andrew pull him gently closer. It's a fierce hold regardless, an attempt to carve Neil a place in his chest to hide. It's 'I've got you' and 'I get to keep you' all at once.

When the lock on their front door clicks shut, the one to Neil's future opens wide.

Neil lets Blake and Rayah take their time scribbling their notes, neither of them daring to ask for clarification. Neil hopes it's because there's nothing to clarify.

It's too simplistic to say he won some climactic battle, that the rest of his life was carefree and happy. This was merely a pause in his life, a blip in time which also passed like everything else, drowned out with visits to Germany and difficult trips to the vet.

Neil doesn't view it as the middle, or a turning point. He doesn't view anything that way. He started his life as Neil Josten and it flowed from there, choppy and untamed at times, but no less...memorable.

His encounter with Ichirou was a moment he had to wait, to breathe in and take in what he had before he kept going. A log or dam that eventually eroded away like the rest of the obstacles he faced.

And there was so, so much more that came after that.

Perhaps not as exciting; family vacations, Exy games, and weekend getaways are hardly anything compared to run-ins with the mafia, to devastating injuries and comebacks. No one wants to hear about the petty arguments and compromises, the bouts of depression which came from being robbed of the sport he loved despite his survival. There's nothing riveting about the quiet dinners Neil enjoyed with Andrew at his side every night for over thirty years after.

But even still, he's waiting to get to those. He wants to talk about those.

Each time he finishes a memory, he's antsy to tell the next one. It's the most exciting thing to him, knowing that even when it all stops, when he has nothing more he needs to share, that nothing ever ended. He could go on and on. As long as he’s breathing, he can say more.

It doesn't end until he's gone, and how sneaky he is, how brilliant, for even going beyond that to preserve their life, every boring piece of it.

He sends Andrew a smug little smile, just for that.

So now people can know, for at least a few years to come, that yes, Neil Josten survived the mafia. But more importantly, Andrew Minyard was next to him, and was just about the best companion Neil could've asked for.

It makes him smile, uncontrolled in its entirety, and when Sydney walks in she doesn't even ask. She returns it, and that fondness makes Neil feel as if Andrew is still in the room, because it was so often directed at him as well.

When she leaves, the room is quiet apart from the last fading scratches of pen on paper.

Occasionally one of the reporters will look up at him, scan him as if they can get the residual emotions hanging from his aura and paste them onto the messy pages.

Neil doesn't envy them.

He's never been a writer, and he's giving them a daunting task. Vague, but detailed. Powerful, but without all the flowery, over-exaggerated nonsense. This is not a sensationalist piece, but his life, and while they've been treating him with the respect he asked for, he gets the feeling they just now came to the realization fully.

It's easy to say you love someone, at the end of the day. Even if it's a lie, even if it takes you a while to work up the courage for it. It's easy to repeat it over and over again.

But for people to understand the full scope of Neil's feelings, so far beyond that word with all the strange deviations and intricacies...

Well, he can tell by the way Rayah and Blake come to a standstill, eyes fixed on their notes, that they do understand. That's what makes it so difficult, that's what makes it impossible.

Nothing they do or write will truly replicate the way Neil has made them feel, the way Andrew made Neil feel.

And Neil's grateful for that. He's grateful, because he always knew deep down that his relationship with Andrew was not something anyone would be able to capture and define. It was theirs.

As long as that's obvious, then he thinks it'll be more than okay.

He'll keep providing all the details they need to compensate.

Eventually, when they do look up, Rayah just laughs, smoothing her hand over the paper. Neither of them make a move for their food. "I—I don't know what to ask anymore?" She frames it as a question, tone searching, and when she looks at Blake, he merely shrugs.

There's a mistiness in his eyes when he turns to Neil too, as if to ask, 'well?'

Neil beams brighter, bringing his food in front of him. Ten years and he hasn't changed the order. It's still the plate he and Andrew split.

And with that warmth in his chest, he's more than happy to take it from there.

"Don't worry," he says, amusement lacing his tone. "I know what comes next."

#aftg #all for the game #andreil #andrew minyard #neil josten

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