#even with their personalities edited a bit

[daisys-reality]

PAC: What do people admire and envy about your DR self? ♡๑

general tarot reading disclaimers apply here. dividers were made by me, the pictures are from pinterest but edited by me. this is a reality shifting themed tarot reading and requested anonimously. for more tarot readings, check out my masterlist. now, think about your dr self, choose a picture from above and read your pile below :)

[ from pile one on the left to pile three on the right ]

pile one 🐶

What people in your DR admire and/or envy about you:

you're alluring but distant

even simple conversations seem fraught with unspoken complexities

you appear aloof and emotionally detached -> difficult to get close to

your like a calm sea that is sometimes plagued by storms

an unpredictable mystery -> mesmerizing but confusing

lots of tension, misunderstandings and rumors about you

an ideal type for many but so out of reach

peak social skills -> socially intelligence and grace

your presence can elevate the mood of any social gathering

radiant presence and contagious laugh

regardless of your emotional turmoil, you keep being strong and reliable, no one can tear you down

people naturally notice you

your voice commands attention but is never overbearing and you use your voice wisely

people think they need to level up to be acknowledged by you

some feel intimidated by your intense and magnetic energy

many wanna be the one to receive your kindness, smile and genuine affection

your eyes exude warmth and comfort -> you can even draw in the most reserved/closed person

many are jealous of your confidence, your intelligence, your skills, your ability to attract followers as a natural leader

your ability to thrive in chaos and challenges and you seemingly would never give up or back down from a fight as if you draw energy from the struggles

you walk through life with strategic thinking and agility -> many questions what your real intentions are

you're always a step ahead and only few can keep up with you

mostly positive reaction from people from the opposite gender but often jealousy and envy (but often hidden) from people of the same gender

your chest area, your knowing and teasing gaze, your legs and your cheekbones - jawline - neck area is very attractive

pile two 💍

What people in your DR admire and/or envy about you:

you're highly skilled

your ability to bring people together

you overall seem very approachable and engaged/involved in many things (know many people and things and many people know you etc.)

your energy is accessible yet memorable

your confident and people naturally respect you but your intense presence can be intermediating, creating tension or discomfort in some

your firm belief that anyone has something valuable to contribute

you always encourage openness

your reputation or fame is something many admire or are jealous of

your ability to work hard and to endure anything, your resilience and dedication and your strong sense of duty is very impressive

you value quality time alone and are often focused on personal growth in solitude -> you especially trigger people pleaser and copycats

your voice is soft but profound

your touch is invigorating yet calming and reassuring -dissipating all stress and worries

your eyes hold a fascinating depth

you possesses an ancient kind of wisdom that many seek but few truly understand

even you aptitude for communication on deeper, more esoteric topics is intriguing

you often leave a lasting impression long after you have spoken

the type of person who changes the atmosphere in a room instantly whether by saying something provocative or simply by your overwhelming energy

you can be both refreshing and a bit dangerous, like nature reclaiming its territory

your rebellious streak and braveness to challenge norms and questions authority

your ability to sense other people emotional needs and to provide support guidance accordingly

you're very original and inspiring to many

your strong sense of self and/or purpose

many feel like they can't reach your expectations which makes them feel uneasy around you

your stubbornness combined with your authoritative tendencies can be quite intimidating at times

your thighs, your feet, your hands/wrist, your face and your shoulders are very attractive

pile three 💐

What people in your DR admire and/or envy about you:

your disconnection from your family and your burdensome past (?) is impressive -> i think you had to create your own foundation yourself, teach yourself values as you might had no one to rely on when you where younger

for some of you only: many are envious of your wealth or your inheritance

your unconventionality

your willingness to never stop pushing forward and never giving up

your ability to survive the high expectations and burdens put on you

your creativity, your thoughtfulness and openness are very admired and greatly appreciated

your lively demeanor and your positive and proactive approach to life

your ability to act and think quickly

you always seem composed and courageous - demonstrating inner strength, patience and empathy towards those around you

your grace, your serene confidence and your deep self-awareness and control

your emotional insight allows you to connect with people on a deep level

you have this air of dignity and pride around you

you're compassionate and emotionally strong and generous

your ability to cut through confusions and lies, to understand complex topics and your intellectual sharpness is impressive

you might have a penetrating gaze when lost in thoughts which might be a bit intimidating

your presence can be invigorating and inspiring - pushing people to think more critically

your ability to get away with things without having to make plans or without making a clear choice … like avoiding certain responsibilities which makes other envious

your tired looking eyes, your curves (esp. your lower body), your facial bone structure (ex. forhead) and hands are quite attractive

[foone]

The Wire edition.

You might argue that maybe it started as "I know this, and it doesn't matter, I still will care for you".

But I believe DS9 made it clear that Bashir is the kind of doctor that falls a little in love with all his patients, and it's probably one of the reasons why he's such a great doctor, even if it's lead him to act a tad illegally and unethically a few times.

I bet you could make a compelling argument that The Wire is when Bashir truly fell in love with Garak, rather than a more casual attraction... it's the first time Garak was seriously a patient of Bashir's, pushing his existing attraction into a deeper thing.

But I also think Bashir is also the kind of person who falls in love easily. He was probably a bit in love by the time Garak walked away from their first meeting.

did i ever post this. did i even make this. it's in my inshot folder so i think so

[connorology]

some thoughts on connor and amanda because oh boy do they have one of the most compelling dynamics i’ve ever seen and amanda is just one of the most intriguing antagonists ever to me:

connor’s need for approval is such an intrinsic part of who he is as a person

the way he tries so hard to appeal to amanda in the deviant route (and the machine route but i’m mostly focusing on deviant connor) and at first he’s just following orders but as the game progresses he’s scrambling for some sense of her approval to assure himself he’s useful, that he has a purpose, and projecting his own personal sense of self value onto her.

so when she rejects him it rocks his sense of self to the core which is a central theme to connor’s character: identity and repression. who is he without approval? without an order to follow?

and the saddest part of it is that he still clings to her even when her thinly veiled apathy towards him turns into outward disdain. even when cyberlife tries to resume control of his program at the end of the deviant route it’s amanda he still calls out to: for answers? for her comfort?

which makes me wonder post game about the kind of trauma connor has to deal with after finally freeing himself from cyberlife and amanda, who he had once so desperately wanted to please.

i think its interesting when people explore this characteristic of his in post game fanworks. how does his previous relationship with amanda inform his relationships with others? with hank? with markus?

edit: just want to clarify that i am aware amanda is just an ai representation of cyberlife and that connor fears death above all but i still think these two bits of his character completely coexist and heighten each other

[concretejunglefm]

I'm not ready to let you forget me (part 5 - finale)

*edit credit goes to the lovely @defuckingthrone-dot-com

You told your friends you want me dead And said that I did everythin' wrong And you're not wrong

An anon request for lovers to enemies -> playlist, part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5.

Summary: It’s been two years since Noah cheated on you, abruptly ending your relationship. However, the universe seems to have a peculiar sense of humor in its plan to reunite you.

Pairing: Noah Sebastian x reader.

CW: None really. Mentions of cheating, Noah can be an overall asshole and a tad bit of angst.

WC: 1.8k

AN: This is the final part in this fic. I hope all of those who've read it have enjoyed and thank you to the anon for requesting this idea, I hope that it met any of your expectations. I had so much fun playing with this trope.

Dividers: Silent-stories.

Maybe it had all been a fluke. Perhaps the vulnerable side of Noah you had witnessed in his candidness had been a fleeting glimpse into something you would never encounter again.

As you retreat to the bar and adhere to your initial plan for the evening—wallowing in self-pity with a few cocktails—you find Noah seated there with his friends, his usual smug expression restored. 

This time, it irks you more, especially when he briefly glances your way but chooses to ignore you. It shouldn't bother you as much as it does. You thought that you had somehow moved forward, yet it feels like you've taken several steps backward.

After ordering a drink, you seek a quiet corner, or as quiet as can be found in a bustling bar within a Vegas hotel, and settle down, sipping contentedly on your cocktail while your eyes slowly scan the room.

"Excuse me, is this seat taken?"

You briefly glance up to find Noah standing over you, but he doesn't wait for a response before sliding himself into the booth beside you.

"Can I help you?" You can't help but let your attitude slip through, as you felt slighted by earlier and him choosing to walk away.

"Retract those claws, kitten. I'm here to apologize." Somehow, you don't believe him, but you choose to relax slightly and offer him a genuine smile.

"Go ahead." You encourage him.

"You realize that you're the only woman who's ever made me get down on my knees and apologize, right?" You catch a faint smirk at the corner of his mouth, as if he's suppressing the enjoyment he derived from that.

"And I would do it again." You retort, maintaining a composed face and concealing any indication of your own thoughts behind it, by taking another sip of your drink.

"I don't doubt that." He scoffs, settling back against the seat, and you feel his arm brush against yours. "I genuinely mean it. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have walked away earlier. It was just… a lot to process."

"And you've never been good with big boy emotions?" You quip, closing your mouth around the straw in your glass after apologizing, allowing him to continue.

He chuckles, despite the brief glare he had given you prior. "I suppose you're right. I've never really been good at expressing my feelings. But I also didn't know about your trip and whatever the guys had planned."

Your head perks up, and your brow furrows slightly as you pull your drink away. "Yeah, what was all that about? You said you knew I was coming?"

"Listen, all I knew was we had a show in Vegas. Apparently, Jolly, Sloan, and Nick had been planning this trip ever since. I only found out you were coming the week before we left. Apparently, Sloan asked what flight we were on."

Suddenly, everything began to make sense; the last-minute trip, the separate seats, and the fact that you were conveniently sat next to each other.

If you were a betting person, you would bet that she had also arranged the hotel rooms, given that this entire trip had been paid for using her hotel points through her work. "That mother—"

You grumble before Noah cuts you off. "I can't say it was the best idea, but I can't deny that I'm not happy it happened."

"Why? You realize that all this has only made us fight more than ever before."

"Yeah, but you're kind of hot when you're all fired up like that." Noah smirks, and you feel his eyes rake over you in a way that makes you squirm.

You hadn't expected that response from him. He was naturally flirty and charming, but there was some level of sincerity to his words, like he wasn't just trying to woo you.

"I still hate you." You clarify, and there's that smirk, wider than before, as he leans in close to you.

His mouth against your ear, he whispers, "I hear that hate-fucking is the best kind of sex."

His breath, hot against your ear, sends a shiver down your spine, between his words and the unexpected closeness of him.

Before you can respond, Folio's voice calls for him, and Noah swiftly slips away, giving you a wink in return.

There he is again, the same old cocky guy you've always known. Despite the frustration, it's strangely comforting, knowing that beneath it all, he remains the same. 

"I come in peace." Sloan says as she approaches you at the bar.

"Why are you acting like that?" You laugh and reach out for her hand, pulling her towards you.

"Because." she pouts. One glance into her eyes reveals the slight glassiness from a few too many drinks this evening. "Noah mentioned he told you about the whole plan. I thought you would be mad."

You shake your head and sigh. "I'm not mad."

"Just disappointed?" Her pout deepens, and you can't help but laugh.

"No! I mean, a bit, but I should've expected it from you. Meddling in my life is your second favorite pastime, after breaking boys' hearts."

"I do really well at the first one, don't I?" Losing her pout, Sloan stands up straight, as if proud of her accomplishment in your eyes and flips her hair over her shoulder. "But I don't want to break this one." She confesses, shuffling closer to you before her head turns, and you follow her gaze towards Jolly and the rest of the guys.

"Then don't. Let yourself actually be happy with a guy for a change." You gently nudge your hip against her, and she looks back to you, nodding in agreement.

"And you should let yourself get a guy."

"Like who? Noah?"

She instantly shakes her head and scoffs, dismissing the idea with a wave of her hand. "No. But I did see that cute waiter from the other night over there." She points to another table where a group of guys are sitting together. To your surprise, she's right. The waiter from the other night is sitting on the edge of the couch, talking to his friends.

With a nod and a quick pep talk from Sloan, you head over to his table, holding your head high as you try to think of anything flirty enough to catch his attention.

"Fancy seeing you here." you purr down at him. The guys' eyes shoot up to you, and surprise quickly turns to delight.

"What a nice surprise." he flashes you a smile and shuffles over, patting down for you to join him and his friends.

"Stare any harder, and you might just set him on fire." Jolly quips, passing Noah and patting him on the back with a chuckle.

Noah's eyes have been fixed on you ever since you approached the waiter from the other night and sat down. "What on earth is she doing talking to him?" he struggles to hide his annoyance at the thought of you entertaining someone else.

He doesn't notice the look shared between his friends, who are all watching him. Instead, he remains fixed on you with a heavily possessive stare.

Noah's jaw clenches with every giggle, every arm touch, and every movement that brings you closer to the guy you're with. He quickly looks away whenever he catches your head turning in his direction, afraid that you might see him staring.

"What are you going to do? Stop her from leaving with him?" Nick asks.

"If I have to." Noah replies.

At that moment, he notices you moving from the seat, your hand still holding onto the waiter from the other night, and watches you move through the crowd of people.

He tries to follow after you, but he doesn't know what he'll do if he catches up. Will he tell you not to go with him? Will he ask you to leave him with him instead?

He has no real plan of action, except for a determination to rush over and stop the lift after he sees you both stepping inside.

The doors close just a second too soon as he finally reaches it. "Fuck!" he grumbles under his breath and looks towards the doors leading to the stairs. Quickly, he runs over to them, pushing through the door and taking two steps at a time, determined to catch up with you.

David, as you learn the waiter's name to be, is a pleasant guy. Despite the fun and flirty nature of your conversation, Noah's words remain heavily on your mind.

Between his apology and his comment about hate-fucking being the best type of sex, your eyes constantly wander to the bar until you spot him. 

Convinced you've caught him staring, you can't resist the urge to tease him and decidedly invite David to join you for a nightcap in your room, slipping away with him.

It only takes a quick glance back at Noah's direction to see him already making his way through the crowd towards you.

You've got him right where you want him.

As you reach the lifts, you pull David inside, pressing the button for your floor. When you catch Noah heading in your direction, your hands move to the front of David's shirt, grasping him tightly and pulling him closer as the doors close.

Once alone with him, you push him back and reach for the buttons, pressing for the next floor. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have invited you up. I was just trying to make someone jealous." You confess, feeling a pang of guilt as you meet his gaze.

"Is it the guy from the other night by any chance?" He asks, and you remain silent, making him chuckle as he steps out of the lift on the next floor.

"I think you don't have to worry about trying to make him jealous. I think he's already there." You catch the way his eyes move across the hall, and you peek out of the lift to see Noah standing at the door to the stairwell.

As David passes Noah and enters the stairwell, you watch him approach you, and step back into the lift, him following, a slight smirk playing on his lips. "So, you were trying to make me jealous?"

"I never said that."

"You didn't have to."

He backs you into the corner of the lift, and your back presses against the cool, mirrored wall as you gaze up at him. "I hate you." You growl, Noah taking a step closer and closing the gap between you.

"I know, you've said." he says with a smug grin, trapping you between his body and the lift wall. His arm stretches out, and his hand rests just above you.

For a fleeting moment, your eyes meet, and you catch a glimpse of the heat in his own eyes. They unmistakably flicker down to your mouth.

"Kiss me then." you can't help but smirk as you watch him lean in towards you.

Your lips meet in a passionate exchange as the lift doors finally close, sealing you together on the ride back up to your shared floor.

If you truly hate him as much as you claim to, then why do you find yourself waking up in his bed the next morning?

tagged: @fadingangelwisp @deathblacksmoke @geminigirlfromfinland @fuck1ng-queen @xxkittenkissesxx @lacy1986 @ichoosetenderomens @chey-h @blade-dressed-in-red @collisionofyourkissmakesitsohard @halfalgorithmhafdeity @dominuslunae @tosoundlessdarkistare @annthepenguin @samanthasgone @littlebear423 @aprosiacperson @flowery-mess @nyriastark @blackgirlmagicforever, @alwaysfightforwhoyouare @lonelydragonlady

[whimsicalpolitical]

perchance matty or ross catches you watching edits of them and deals with you accordingly… perchance

18+ mdni, oral (m receiving)

matty has been holed up in his office for the past couple of hours, leaving you to entertain yourself in the cozy mess of his flat. so naturally, you’re curled up on his couch, scrolling through tiktok, mindlessly flipping past videos—until one stops you dead in your tracks.

an edit of him.

it’s one of those ridiculously well-made ones, the kind with slow-motion clips, flashing lights, and a song that makes everything feel ten times more intense than it already is. on stage, cigarette between his fingers, curls messy and damp with sweat, eyes dark and heavy-lidded.

your mouth actually waters.

you let the video loop a couple of times before tapping on the username. whoever runs the account clearly has a talent—and a bit of an obsession—because their entire page is a shrine to him. edits from every era, every tour, interviews you haven’t even seen before.

you get lost in it, thumb tapping on video after video, admiring him like some fan who doesn’t get to wake up next to him in the morning. because objectively, he’s gorgeous. but it’s more than that—he’s yours. and that fact alone makes you feel like the luckiest person in the world.

so absorbed in your scrolling, you don’t hear him walk in.

"oh, for fuck’s sake," his voice comes from behind you, making you flinch violently.

"jesus christ, matty!" you gasp, clutching your chest.

he’s standing over the back of the couch, arms crossed, a slow, amused smirk creeping across his lips. "are you actually sitting here watching thirst edits of me?"

heat flares across your face. "i mean…" you scramble for an excuse, but really, what’s the point? so instead, you shrug, meeting his gaze with as much confidence as you can muster. "what can i say? you’re fucking hot."

his smirk deepens, eyes flicking between you and the phone still open in your hand. then he shakes his head, exhaling a quiet laugh. "unbelievable."

"not my fault people make good edits."

"not your fault you’re drooling over them either, then?"

"never said that."

he rolls his eyes, but there’s a flicker of something behind them—something smug, something pleased. and then he leans down, voice dropping low and warm.

"well," he murmurs, "i’m done with work now, if you’d rather admire the real thing."

your stomach flips.

matty grins, clearly enjoying the effect he has on you, before reaching for your phone and locking it with a tap. then he tosses it onto the couch beside you.

matty walks around the couch slowly, dragging it out, eyes locked onto yours with that signature mix of amusement and something darker. he stops in front of you, arms still crossed, head tilting slightly.

"so," he muses, dragging the word out. "which bit turns you on most then?”

you blink up at him, playing dumb. "which bit of what?"

he lets out a soft scoff, his tongue running over his teeth. "don’t start."

you bite back a smile, pressing your lips together. matty doesn’t move, just watches you, waiting, a smug little smirk playing at the corner of his mouth. you can tell he’s enjoying this way too much already.

you exhale through your nose, shifting slightly. "consumption," you admit, finally.

matty raises an eyebrow, pretending to think. "consumption," he echoes, letting the word roll off his tongue. then his smirk widens, and he nods in understanding. "right. me touching my dick, then? should’ve actually thought about that.”

you shrug, feigning nonchalance, but your lip catches between your teeth, giving you away.

he laughs, a real one, his head tilting back for a second before he looks at you again, eyes gleaming. "you’re so fucking easy," he teases, shaking his head.

"yeah, well." you push yourself up off the couch slowly, stepping toward him, closing the space between you until there’s barely an inch left. he doesn’t move back, doesn’t look away—just watches, amused, waiting to see what you’ll do.

you press your hands against his chest, fingers splaying out over the fabric of his shirt, and give him a firm push.

he lets himself fall back onto the couch, spreading his legs lazily, looking up at you with an expression so cocky it makes your stomach twist.

you lean down slightly, your voice dropping as you murmur, "what can i say? i love your dick."

matty exhales through his nose, that damn smirk only growing as he runs a slow hand through his curls.

“show me how much, c’mon. get down.”

without a word, you sink down, knees hitting the warm carpet.

"that’s right," matty hums when your hands find his belt buckle.

you undo his belt and pull it through the loops, letting it fall to the floor with a clink. then your fingers undo his jeans, almost tearing them apart by the zipper with your eagerness to see him.

“seen a few videos of me and you’re already this eager,” he chuckles, “you’re mad.”

“only for you.”

as you pull the denim over his hips, you feel his hand softly rest on the crown of your head. a quick glance up tells you he's watching every single thing you're doing, lapping it up like it's the last thing he'll ever see.

“is that right?” he asks rhetorically. he knows everything you do is for him.

you place a gentle kiss to his thigh and pull the waistband of his underwear down, and his cock springs free.

you hum, “m’ yours.”

your hands wrap around him.. you pump him a few times in your hands and he tips his head back, mouth agape.

“exactly. you’re mine, this filthy mouth is mine.”

you lower your head to lick his tip until you finally take him in your mouth. “so pretty,” you whisper.

matty groans audibly, “just like that, darling, fuck.”

you push down as far as your throat will allow before releasing him with a pop, saliva mixed with matty all over your lips.

"that’s it, love," he's mumbling, eyes still screwed shut, hand still knotting in your hair, “know you can get a bit more of me into your mouth.”

you drag your tongue along the underside of his dick, closing your eyes.

when you take him in down to your throat again, he begins moving his hips; bucking up into your mouth. you steady yourself, hands on his upper thighs, and let him, trying not to lower your hand to your cunt to relieve the ache quickly growing there.

“jesus christ, yeah, like that. s’perfect.”

the sounds he's making are enough to make you cum by themselves. he’s panting, moaning, breathing your name, groaning whenever your cheeks hollow.

"you’re a fucking dream, darling. look at you, so fucking sexy.” you pull him back into your mouth. he tastes like sweat and salt and matty.

when he bumps the back of your throat and you gag a little, you notice matty’s head snap down to check on you. his grip on your hair loosens, and you softly gaze back at him, eyes blown with lust, to let him know you're okay.

“easy there,” he says, “don’t be a greedy girl.”

you drag your lips off of his head, a string of saliva still linking your mouth to his reddened tip. you’re panting now, fully turned on by him.

“you’re so fucking hot,” you say trying not to moan, “want you all the time.”

your palms wrap around his length again, pumping and twisting slowly while your tongue flicks over his head.

matty’s breathing heavily and grinning as he watches you, “i know,” he cooes, “i’ve got you. you have me whenever you want to.”

when you let go of him and dip your head down to take him completely, he lets out a deep groan.

“oh fuck,” he moans out, “keep doin’ that.”

his hand falls to the back of your head and he applies a little pressure, fucking into you again.

“want me in your mouth?” he asks.

you nod repeatedly and beg him with your eyes.

“christ, yeah alright. i- jesus.”

when you begin to feel him jerk, you lean back, hands helping him to his high as you hold his head to your bottom lip.

matty’s hand never leaves your head as he twitches, filling your throat and coating your tongue in warm, salty cum. he’s calling your name, breath heaving and hips shuddering.

“fuck, darling,” he breathes out.

he slides out of your mouth. when his orgasm subsides, he watches you lick your lips and swallow his load, before tucking his softening dick under his boxers and pulling his jeans back up.

“you’re mental.”

you watch in a distant haze of ecstasy as matty does his pants up himself and takes your chin in his hand.

breathing heavy, you look up at him, eyes hooded.

"come here," he whispers, and your tired legs hoist you back up to height.

his hand grips your hips and pulls you down into his lap. he doesn’t waste a second to taste himself on your tongue.

you let your eyes fall closed as you breathe each other in.

"so good to me," matty mumbles against your forehead, and you lazily smile, “should thank those girls on tiktok.”

you laugh and shove his shoulder back, “you’re ridiculous.”

“oh?” he grins and wraps your legs around his middle as he stands up, “so you don’t want a reward right now?”

you trail kisses from his cheek down his neck as he carries you to his bedroom, “didn’t say that.”

“s’what i thought.”

[hotchnersangel]

MATILDA

Aaron Hotchner

-----

cw; childhood trauma, panic attacks, illusions to drinking, abuse, self-worth issues, mentions of the bau's traumas, hurt, blood, violence, bit of a persistent and overbearing hotch at the end. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF ANY MENTION OF THESE THINGS TRIGGER YOU. This is a very deep and raw piece.

this has not been edited because it feels a bit too personal to reread lol

you have been warned.

You were always conditioned to brush off your feelings. It became a coping mechanism to get through the torment of your past. Physically you were fine but emotionally you were bruised and tainted with the colour indigo, that led to the bottled up pain.

No one knew your history or the treatment you went throuh as a child, in fact you often believed you history inferior due to your friends' upbringings. With Morgan being manipulated and molested, Emiy being dragged city to city to escape bible bashings, JJ losing a most beoved sister, Penelope losing her parents, Spencer's father leaving and him becoming a prodigy of the education system, Rossi watching his friends die right in front of him and Hotch. Well, Hotch's past had been a blurred line to the team, similar to yours. Though they knew something had happened to destroy you mentally for you to be where you were today- it was practically alien to have a member of the bau come from a happy home.

Your team had lost people around them, family, friends- life's true tragedy. But, you didn't. You lost no one but yourself.

You could argue that you lost you parents but it would be insensitive, they were still alive but they simply were never parents to you. They were strangers who barely even knew of your existence when you were present and a burden now that you were no longer around for them. No longer there to be their punching bag, no longer there to be their outlet of anger and cutthroat insults.

When the topic comes up, you deny, deny, deny.

"It's no big deal really," you would tell them with a large smile, diverting their attention and you had given them no reason to doubt you until one case.

A case that focused on parents abusing their children. You had almost gone quiet but it was not noticed, you played it off as exhaustion considering you had all been working back to back for weeks straight.

The jet felt colder that Tuesday morning, the seats glassed with a coat of ice as you sat down, letting out a shiver, Hotch takes his usual seat besides you and raises an eyebrow at you. "You okay?"

You nod with a smile, "Yeah it's no big deal, just a bit cold." You shrug, looking out the window, ready to set off for New Orleans. Midway through the flight, you feel a material rest over your legs, seeing Hotch reading the case file and hardly even looking at you. `like he could sense your need for some sort of comfort, whether it be from the sudden breeze or the pain inside your heart.

You arrive swiftly at the precinct, everyone getting up and getting to work. The team rarely struggled on a case but as you were all slumped around a board finishing your takeout. You look over the case files again and look up, causing eyes to dart over to you.

"Oh she's on-to something." Morgan exclaims.

"Let it download, almost there." Emily smirks slightly, watching the cogs turn in their head.

"A child can form a negative sense of love from super young, right?"

"Yeah, it's called our 'love map', it's the ideology of our internal software being developed from around the ages 5 to 6 based on our surroundings and the environment we grew up in." Spencer adds and agrees, seeing where you are going with this.

"And am i right in saying that it is effects our ability to process, receive and distribute love?" You inquire and Spencer nods along.

"Yeah, the result of a healthy development of self-cohesion, self-constancy, and self-agency is self-esteem. Positive affect becomes integrated with self-representation. A negative love map, essentially a distorted internal representation of what a healthy relationship looks like based on negative past experiences, can lead to significant issues in romantic relationships, including difficulty forming deep connections, distrust, emotional withdrawal, anxiety, and a tendency to repeat unhealthy patterns." Spencer nods along.

"So, this unsub had a broken home? Let's get Garcia to check records of social service calls to residents with multiple visits." Emily says to the team as they dial Garcia and are met with a sigh at the vast load she has to sieve through.

"I wouldn't rely on it there are so many left unreported." You added, shaking your head. "Look for school reports, teachers may have noticed suspicious behaviour and markings on a child- it's not much and hardly narrows it down but it is something."

The team nod impressed and you catch Hotch's eye as he narrows his eyes softly, like he was trying to read into your soul. You were, simply put, a book he could read one hundred times and still be unable to decode every last detail.

"Garcia, cross check school reports with silent 911 calls." You heart ached as you say the words, a rush of memories flooding back to you as you ran up the stairs of your house, hearing your father shouting up at you and your mother knocking on your door harshly. You'll never forget those knocks, like a constant reminder that you were always wrong. You had stolen the landline phone, really scared for your life in that moment. You were sat in you closet, knees tucked to your chest as silent tears glass your eyes.

"911, what's your emergency?"

Silence.

Bang.

Bang.

Bang.

"Hello?"

Bang.

Bang.

Bang.

"This is 911, are you in danger?"

Yes, help. Please. I'm scared.

Your shallow breaths cut through the silence before the call ended and your inevitable fate had drawn closer.

"I've cross checked teachers note with 911 calls and i think i have something." Garcia informs the team over the phone, "It may be a long shot but a man named Dane Kirighan called 911 twice but they were both silent, as our pretty girl said." She starts. "His mom Janet Kirighan recently passsed away... it says... oh- she was bludgened to death by a flat object four months ago.."

"That could be our stressor." Aaron nods at the team as Garcia continues.

"It gets worse, his father was sentenced to life for the murder of Janet Kirighan but he was deemed deceased only last month."

You stay silent. "He has abandonment issues, as much as he hated them both for the pain they inflicted, they left him again..."

"What's his address?"

The case was long, almost a week long and you were sure it was torturous. Memories came back in floods to the point that you could no longer focus on the situation at hand but rather the pain in Dane Kirighan's voice as he screamed in the line of crossfire.

One harsh scream then silence.

That silence you knew all too well, you left the scene quickly, getting into the back of one of the SUV's. You talk to no one, you look at no one, you react to nothing. Right now, you're as lifeless as Dane. The little boy who was manipulated and formed into a killer. You shouldn't but you empathise for him. You sympathise.

You knew that there were two sides to a coin and you and Dane Kirighan were one of the same. Heads vs Tales, you saw different lives but deep down you were made from the same foundations and ou were terrified.

You excused yourself from the car, heading into the bathroom to freshen up. No one joined you, which you were grateful for because currently, you hamd was stretched against the painted wall, clawing for something to hold you body up as your other dug into the skin of your chest as if it would help you breathe. Suddenly you were back in that closet, rocking back and fourth as you hear footsteps growing nearer to you.

You heart rate picked up at the memory, you breathing becoming shallow and uneven and suddenly the all too familiar burning sensation infiltrated your lungs. The need of oxygen grew stronger as you slid down the wall of the bathroom, feeling pathetic and completely naked on that tile flooring.

Bang.

Bang.

Bang.

Your mind became your biggest enemy as your heartbeat rung through you ears like a cry for help.

Footsteps.

The echo of your parent's footsteps grew louder in you mind as they neared the bathroom door.

Your heart was racing. Fuck. Breathing. You need to breathe. Come on. You gotta keep trying. In and Out. They're not here. You're safe.

Until silence, once again.

A laugh echoed from outside and you realised you were safe, you were home. Not all family was bad, but you didn't know how to be in the family. What was your role?

You walk back to the team after freshing up a bit, swearing an oath to yourself to avoid the topic of your panic attack.

You walk up to the team and they greet you with warm smiles.

"Nice call kid, you may not feel like it was positive but you helped." Rossi pulled you into a hug, a tight hug and you realised that the team knew. Fuck, they knew.

"How did you know?" Emiy inquires, breaking the ice to the topic. "How did you know to check for 911 calls?"

"I did it a few times," you shrug, being honest. This is what a family des right. "I knew nothing would come out of it but it felt like I was doing something."

Faces softened and you hated that.

You pull you hair into a ponytail and smile, though it is far from real. "it's no big deal."

"You were abused." Hotch's voice cuts the silence and zones his vision on you. "Do you hear me?"

"Hotch man-" Derek tries to intervene but Hotch cuts him off.

"You were abused." he repeats.

"Stop."

"You are a victim." he states so boldly with no judgement whatsoever.

"Stop," You repeat, urgently, feeling your emotions swell.

"It is a big deal. You. Were. Abused." He repeats and you are getting angry now, you hardly notice that Hotch had gestured for the others to leave.

"Hotch- stop it."

"Why are you defending them?"

"I'm not."

"The people you should trust the most hurt you, in every way they could."

"Hotch-" you feel tears threaten your eyes.

"That's why you don't trust easy. It's why you don't talk about your experiences. It's why you never miss a deadline because you think you will be punished. You think that your a burden and you bottle up your feelings and belittle them until they are overwhelming for you. Its why you can tell who is nearing you because you have our footsteps memorised. Do you know what these are?"

"Stop profiling me." You burst, your voice echoing through the walls.

A tear.

He lifts his hand.

You flinch.

He moves gently.

You look down.

He tilts your head up.

"It's all trauma responses. You are a victim of abuse and you're too thoughtful to ask for help because you don't want to gain friendships where people will leave you."

Your eyes are full of silent tears as you look up at him.

His heart breaks.

"You can let it go." He whispers to you, resting his hand on your cheek. "Do you hear me?"

You nod, you eyes rimmed red and glossy with pain.

"You-" he points at your chest, more specifically your heart. "You don't have to invite your blood related family to the party of your soul."

"Your heart, honey, truly is a party. It is beautiful, it is flourished, it is fun and it reflects every ounce of who you are. Your parents never showed you love but I do, we all do. Never be sorry for growing up surrounded by pain, never belittle your past experiences until you are on the edge okay?"

"What are you asking of me?"

"I'm asking you to let me love you... let me take care of you. You talk of all this pain like it's alright, it isn't so stop. A part of you feels like a lost cause but baby, you shine like the brightest star. You showed me a power that is strong enough to bring sun to the darkest days."

"I'm asking you to let me into your heart, your mind."

In that moment, you realised that you were starting a family who will always show you love and though it will be a long process, it will be worth it in the end.

[11queensupreme11]

What's Percy like as a mother or just as a goddess in general? I keep imagining her as the same Percy we know now 🥲🥲

EDIT: i added a bit more here hehe

you're not that far off! i'm not gonna spoil what happens at the end of act 4, but if percy were to ascend, she'd pretty much have the same personality and mannerisms as what she was like when she ascended, even if a lot of time has passed. same thing with appearance tbh.

she COULD, ofc, change her appearance to look older and more mature and try to act that age, but it's just weird for her. imagine aging yourself instantly, but never actually getting to properly EXPERIENCE those years of your life. it's not like with gods who speed through their childhood and eventually stop growing, and yet can shift to whatever age they want. THAT is natural for them, but for mortals??? who's development suddenly stopped and became a weird mess? it's gonna be a surreal experience tbh

let's say..... she wants to age herself up to 21 years old. but there's an issue. what would she even look like as a 21 year old? she never got to actually GROW to that age. would she be a lil taller? would her features be sharper??? how would she behave as a 21 year old? she doesn't know that either, she never got to experience those years naturally 💔

it's gonna be pretty similar to how vampire psychology works in the twilight series (here i go again, referencing them LMAO sorry guys 😂 i liked reading and watching them when i was younger okay?!). they got a whole section in their wiki page about it: "when a human becomes a vampire, all of their natural behavior, needs and characteristics are frozen within them forever" it's gonna be SLIGHTLY like that here

obviously, she'll be more motherly because she's a mom now, but there's gonna be times where she's more like a best friend to her kids, or a little sister, or a big sister. she can't help it, that core personality she had when she ascended is the only natural thing she has left of her, she never got to actually gradually grow up and experience change and maturity in a normal way 🥲

[mgu-h]

What are your top 3 moments of Max and Lando from 2024? A little late, but I’m quite curious lol

Or in general, what are your favorite moments of them of all time?

my chronological study is not yet caught up, so i can't really do 2024 justice, but i've covered a lot of ground from 2013 to early 2023, and there's just so many things that stand out!!! not just moments but like.. idk. whole parts of their lives. i'll check some dates {edit: and add 20 gifs and a video}, but otherwise, off the dome, my favorite moments lmao let's do this:

max's story about seeing lando driving his kart at 9yrs old, the small details about the location and lando's helmet that he remembered, the fondness in his tone of voice as he talked about it, and calling himself a day one fanboy of lando

there's this old old post on max's insta where he's just starting out, with lando commenting on it in a supportive or teasing way... just seeing how long they've been friends, all the footage of them karting, sharing podiums, and goofing off in tiny race suits together, it's not one moment that i love but the pool of shared experiences and competition

jumping forward in time a bit, that time max said that lando had taken care of him after he stopped racing and wasn't sure what to do, it's just important to me that max showed up just playing on lando's twitch first. lando opened up this whole path for him, ultimately hiring him, shaping the trajectory of the rest of his life

there's some deeply notable streaming early on in lando's house, a favorite being the absurd bathrobe tech support, with lando fresh out of the shower and all up in max's personal space. and then idk it's a small detail but there's times where max and lando are wearing the same glasses and i love that

i can't pick a favorite of the quadrant videos filmed in summer and fall 2021, there's so many deeply endearing and iconic moments, like the hot sauce video, the lie detector (big reaction), the pink 'how well do you know' video (max's absurdly fond tone of voice saying "useless" is my first memory of him, from years ago), the outtakes of the part of the elgato video where they kick niran out of their house

there's connor's august twitch stream from holiday with them all tipsy and topless and deeply tanned on a boat. lando hovering around max's back, making max smell his underarm when he complained. it reminds me of pics i saw of lando shirtless in a paddling pool which i assume were taken by max.

the way they were wearing each other's golf shirts on the course in that one fall golf stream, i think it was shortly after sochi. the whole recurring bit with them sharing a wardrobe, the "whose shoes are those?" "whose joggers are those? "whose hoodie is that?" bit, the fact that it kept going even after they moved apart

those key december 2021 streams, the loooong halo stream where chat called max both lando's dog and his wag. just the wild argument they had about max moving to monaco, with max saying lando'd get lonely, offering to be a house husband almost, and 'joking around' like 'he doesn't want me, we're done, etc..

then the sweet sad energy of the last stream in the house, where lando picks a fight about who's better at golf and uses his keyboard clicking to annoy max. for some reason i love this fight the most out of everything, i've listened to it dozens of times probably, i even transcribed it to see what the sentence length looked like before i started writing rpf. it's just like the perfect quintessence of their dynamic.

max showing up on the mclaren tiktok account in lando's hotel room in dubai the next month jan 2022, having gone on the trip with lando and his gf

quadrant leaving a small cardboard cutout of max in lando's office, after lando was a pest while max tried to plan the office remodel surprise for him. then lando using it to tease max, and lying about throwing it out, keeping it around, and still having it in 2025

the infamous and perfect moment in july where max covered up lando's head after the rally car passed by because lando fully didn't do it himself and max either saw that or knew that he wouldn't do it and that he needed to do it for him

lando being a dj on max's twitch, the sleepover vibes, the way they support him in his new hobby and validate him

max's 2022 singapore trip and the incredible tikok where lando answers the hotel door wearing the exact same clothes as max but in inverted colors, where he slaps max very hard on what looked like the inner thigh, where max bites his knuckle with nerves and is proud of lando's p4

[i've got the winter and spring content to go through in detail, i don't really know what happened here]

the march 2023 max twitch stream with lando in the blue hoodie (kitten, max smelling his underarm, lando losing his mind about a memory of max when he was drunk). i'm pretty sure in that stream, max's dad comes in and asks if lando is staying the night, in a way that communicates he's done it a hundred times before and is welcome to do it a hundred more

the april 2023 twitch streams where lando wanders around, laying with bare feet kicked up on the bed, massaging his back (each others' backs, max returns the favor), lint rolling himself. around this time P says on stream that max is lando's boyfriend, she also calls him his slave and labels what they share as an addiction(!!!)

i know they go to motogp together in the summer of this year, i remember the adorable almost kinda matching outfits. there's also that footage of max looking at lando asleep in that egg pod thing from around then too

[i don't really know yet if/what nortrell happened in late 2023]

then like, 2024, i have so much to catch up on, but i was aware of him by the end of the season. obviously the infamous post disaster races had that gentle parenting from max about eating and sleep while playing tarkov, which was lovely, and then the way max defended him at crucial parts of the season and like asked 'where's the backing' and got angry on his behalf was good too.

2025...... so much so far. the "you said my name so I know you're lying." the "stop fucking kissing her max and hurry the fuck up." connor's "his brother and his boyfriend" comment. the fact that i got jumpscared by max streaming from lando's office again. the pushups. watching the super bowl. just so much.

that was more than i expected to remember lmao anyway, nortrell rights

[snek-panini]

So like, many years ago when I was in college I took a course on the Canterbury Tales. Chaucer died before he finished writing that, it's less than half complete, and a lot of the unfinished bits were assembled by scribes after his death. For one of these bits, the Cook's Tale, one of the scribes left a note at the end that reads:

"Of this Cokes tale maked Chaucer na moore"

I'm in the unfortunate circumstance of wanting to bind a fanfic that's been left incomplete because the author has passed away. (Edit: I should be clear that I didn't know them personally, I just read their fic and was sad when they went silent. I only heard about their passing through word of mouth.) And I'm thinking of quoting that note somewhere in the end notes but I'm worried it will sound pretentious. On the other hand I'm a huge nerd and I like to forge connections between high culture and popular culture, and it puts me in conversation with that scribe. Because we're both preserving parts of a work that wasn't finished, couldn't be finished, even though we're separated by several centuries.

Sometimes bookbinding makes me feel like the latest link in an incredibly long chain of people.

[killerzys]

Should probably post this on my venting account..oh well

[DO NOT ATTACK ANYONE THAT WAS MENTIONED]

Tw mentioning of cutting, say kill yourself, and F1zzyst4r

Please don't center me around this drama I'm not the one who needs the support Wenni is they have been a victim of F1zzyst4r for a year now I just want to simply explain.. how this has affected me.. but please show some support to Wenni and not me

More in the undercut

So there has been a lot on my mind been gone a few days so it feels a little bit more clearer

I do not want to meet the situation about me since I'm not the one who's being harassed Wenni has and I don't want to make the situation about me even though I am also being affected by it. Just not the way Wenni has been, that's why I have been scared to talk about how I'm feeling about Skittles.. and everything but uhh just because I don't want to make it about me I'm not the let's say main victim.. yes I have been harassed I don't know if was one of skittle's friends that told me this in my ask box but someone recently told me to kill myself and it threw me off

And for a while I felt forced to be friends with him (Skittles) I texted him before I blocked him that hey I felt forced to be your friend and it's making me uncomfortable.. I didn't say this part but the tracing also made me uncomfortable.. especially when it was clear that you copied someone else's design and is tracing someone else's art without credit or say oh yeah I make expired by this person inspiration, and now don't come attack me and say oh there's a few times that you didn't credit someone but as soon as someone say hey by the way maybe credit the person that gives you inspiration you @ them and I have I go back and edit pic or post and @ the person there is just sometimes where I get so excited that I forget but Skittles even after being called out and you're saying hey dude by the way maybe just give credit to the person that you take inspiration from Skittles is like erm actually they're tracing me!!

That's my point of view of how I see it and those other parts but I don't want to make this really long and boring to read

But I just mainly wanted to say how I've been infected by everything, after becoming friends with Skittles I thought they were kind and sweet they were to me but that's before I knew the full drama I did follow wenni on Pinterest for a while and seen little glimpse here and there last time I seen before I became friends with Skittles is that Wenni and Skittles were on good terms.. so I thought it was all right to be his friend, this whole friendship started because I made my old reference sheet of nighty, based off of on of wenni's old ref.. Skittles was like hey by the way maybe not copy me and I simply told them that I took inspiration from someone else that I didn't even know they were on the board, we became friends on Tumblr and talked, then I started getting targeted not targeted that's not the right word to say involved in drama that simply I was just watching from behind.. never had any attention to get involved with any of the drama but with my luck I somehow got into it because I was friends with Skittles.. I'm no longer friends with him and I feel free I feel safer now but I keep seeing the excuse of like his friends in my inbox "he made art for you and everything, he thought you guys were friends" just because you simply made art for me doesn't really mean anything I'm sorry? Like I make art for a lot of people doesn't mean I'm their friend I just think whatever OC or design I did was really neat and I wanted to draw it myself.. in the friend part I did see each other as friends but we never really communicated like we were friends.. we would talk to each other about the drama and I remember at some point I said whoever is tracing needs to own up to it now so this drama could be over and no one can get hurt or go through more mental health problems... But it seems that he didn't take that advice but oh well but other than talking about the drama and stuff we vented it to each other, there were a few funny moments but it's wasn't really friends? It was like that one buddy you see crossing the hall and you talk for a minute before going back to your class and then you don't see them for the rest of the year that's how it felt and before everything that happened I will admit I had a tad of a crush on Skittles but over time it started affecting me not in the greatest way... And I just lost all feelings when I got with my partner... And then at some point he would call me dear or something ? And sweetheart saying I'm sorry I think someone hacked my account acting all flirty with me which made me uncomfortable...

But besides that uhh he has now decided to text my mutuals or get his friends to do it I believe he's doing it because they are all anonymous and him or he got his friend to send something one of my mutuals inbox say hi by the way uhh river faked being friends with Skittles like a few times something something quite frankly I don't think you should be mutuals with them no more

Ok ok Skittles I see I see going to my mutuals telling them, that they should stop being friends with me because I stopped being friends with you because you're traced someone's art and copied many people's designs and when I tell you that I felt forced to be your friend and felt so uncomfortable and I unfollowed you which is a valid reason saying that I was uncomfortable and blocking you you're going to resort to going to my mutuals and basically harass them saying you should stop being friends with River, river is a bad friend you shouldn't be friends with them

Okay buddy like what? I've been trying to stay serious but the more I text this sentence the more I'm getting mad and the more I'm realizing the red flags that I should have realized from before... Honestly Skittles I hope you get help I hope you get therapy or something I'm not going to wish upon your death because honestly that's against what I believe which is nothing but like I don't believe in telling people they should kill themselves just because of certain actions I feel like they should get help now let's say if you were a pedophile now I would say kill yourself but does drama could have been resolved a long time ago if you just figured out your own art style who you are and stop copying someone to the point of copying that Wenni saying you have anger issues and trust issues ?

Wet Skittles I do wish that you get some therapy help mental help hell go to a mental asylum I don't care get help...

Now onto more stuff that like other things I've been thinking about

So basically going to my friends and harassing them

Having people go in my inbox harassing me saying like why did you stop being friends with Skittle kill yourself

It feels like you're using the fact that I used to have a crush on you against me and saying that we were friends because sometimes we made art for each other?

That's really it? Uh yeah I don't know this entire situation has just had me stressed about everything.. to the point where I'm having a hard time even drawing.. communicating with people talking and everything...it's really unbearable.. a few days ago I lost my streak .. because of this. The stress got so much that I took it out on myself I was almost 2-3 month clean..

[liuisi]

Your little story snippet got me curious, so if you don’t mind me asking: who are Mariam and Olivia? :0 I’m so so intrigued!!

!!!!!!! you dont know how much this means 2 me i am always thinking about these guys forever and ever....

okay SO. mariam and olivia (and eli, though he appears only a bit in the snippet) r my silly little ocs (that are MAYBE adapted from a dsmp fic. shhhhhhhh they are so much more 2 me now).

mariam and eli are brother and sister and olivia is like... a really close childhood friend, pretty much a sister at this point. their story as I've developped it in my mind so far is: (under read more cause this got LONG)

they live in the same small-ish town and olivia is over at their house a LOT... like pretty much living with them, bc [nebulous part of the story that i have yet to develop but that basically keeps her dad away a lot]

at some point though that [nebulous event] comes to an end and olivia starts seeing them less and less bc frankly. her dad is not a Good Man (and all the implications that come with that)

the snippet i posted happens a few years later when olivia shows up at their door bc its the place she feels the safest in, yk?

they sort some legal stuff out, olivia starts living with them For Real

and THEN there's a whole arc that happens when she leaves 2 go to uni but thats whole other story LMAO

but yeah that's the basic idea!! now for characterization olivia is the Definition of repression. she LOVES repression its her favourite hobby... she's the type that can talk a lot and make you feel like she's not able to keep a secret until you realize that 4 all she talks she doesn't really Say Anything About Herself. she's also the type that convinces herself that since she Understands, objectively, what she's gone through and that it was wrong, she doesn't have to actually deal with it bc like. it happened. it was bad. she got out. what's more to say? surely this will have no impact on her psyche [VERY LOUD INCORRECT BUZZER]. (a huge part of the story after she gets to uni is about how she's terrified of people thinking that what happened was her fault to the point of distancing herself from everyone who knows about it)

mariam.... mariam is so special 2 me always... she's the oldest, the "adult" and she cares about these kids SO MUCH... it's maybe not obvious outwardly bc she's not really the demonstrative kind but she shows it in her own way. her instinct is always to be very.... business-like with it? not quite the word but basically she does her gestures quietly and without fanfare and then you find out about it like 3 weeks later and you're like oh...... she really does care a lot. but also worth mentionning she is more mature so she does know that people have different needs when it comes to knowing that they're loved so with eli she does make an effort to be more Obvious with it. she's also SO scared all the time... she's terrified that something will happen to them always but she doesn't show it because she doesn't want to freak them out :(

eli.. i know you didn't ask about him but i still will answer because hes just so perfect 2 me... he's the youngest (in the snippet i would say he's 13? maybe? haven't figured out timeline yet). he feels everything so strongly all the time he is FULL of emotions. him and olivia understand each other in a way where they dont really talk about it ever because they don't Need to (or so they think. ahem). he's also a mischevious little guy.. loves exploring and disappearing for hours at a time and almost giving mariam a heart attack. he loves so strongly it physically hurts sometimes ... my little guy :(

anyways heres another snippet for u..... in thanks

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Look what we've become.

[First] Prev <–-> Next

[royalarchivist]

Bad: I don’t think people understand the effect QSMP had on some of the streamers in terms of like… The real raw mental impact, so I’m gonna set the stage for you. [...] Imagine that you were given a friend to play Minecraft with — like your best friend — BUT if this person dies, if they die in the game, you never get to talk to them again. Can you imagine what that’s like?

Bad: If you did not live through the QSMP, if you did not live through that, it almost sounds like, crazy. But I don’t think people realize how much of a joyous experience the Eggs were. They were SO awesome! They were literally so awesome to just hang out with and spend time with.

Bad: I’m not saying I regret it. To this day, I loved the experience. I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat. Even knowing how everything went, I would still do it all over again. [...] I would still do it all over again, because — even knowing like, all the trauma and suffering and stuff like that — because it was just… It was just that fun, it was just that fun.

Earlier today during his stream, Bad shared his experience and thoughts about the Eggs and the significant emotional (and traumatic) impact they had on him and his fellow QSMP members.

This clip a very edited-down version since his commentary was ~13 minutes long, so I highly recommend checking out Bad's VOD if you have the time. (Timestamp: 47:36 - 1:00:14)

[ Full Transcript ↓ ]

———

Bad: To be fair Chat, I really think the QSMP... I don't think anyone really can relate to it, Chat. It's something that's so... I've told people this before, like– but it's hard to understand. Right? Like...

Where was I? Sorry Chat, I'm losing my train of thought. Look, let me explain Chat– here's the dealio, ok? Here's the dealio, and this is what I mean when I say like, it's important to keep this in mind, Chat. Ok? It's important to keep this in mind:

I don’t think people understand the effect that the QSMP had on like, some of the streamers, in terms of like… The real raw mental impact, so I’m gonna set the stage for you. This is the analogy I’ve given to every person who I’ve like, shared this with. Imagine you meet somebody– [He hears a strange noise] What the fudge was that? Did you hear that?

Anyway– Chip! The story I was just relaying to Chat, Chip, was this: I was sharing this story with them, I said–  I was giving them an analogy. 

Imagine Chat, for example, imagine that you were… playing Minecraft, with like– you were given a friend to play Minecraft with, Chat, like your best friend, and [unintelligible] were like, “Hey, you get to play Minecraft with this person, right? BUT if this person dies – they’re currently your best friend, Chip – but if they die in the game, you never get to talk to them again. Ever again.” Can you imagine what that’s like, Chip?

I don’t think a lot of people understand like, what that does, right? I’m not gonna say that like, it creates this situation, Chip, that like, messes with your head, but it– Chip – but it totally, totally does, Chip. It messes with your head! It literally puts you in a position where you’re second-guessing and thinking about everything, Chip! You’re thinking about EVERYTHING Chip! Ok? And that’s the problem, Chip– is you turn into a paranoid monster because of it, Chip! Like, you don’t understand Chip– I was- I was so afraid of every dirt block, I used to carry a shovel with me Chip, and I would specifically right-click dirt blocks that looked suspicious because mines, Chip– mines could not be shoveled! Like, I was crazy, Chip! But here’s the problem, Chip: that craziness is still there. I’m genuinely like–

I remember thinking Chip, that I would one day– I was like, “I’m going to move past–” here, let’s go up here, Chip. I remember thinking one day Chip, I was like, “I’m gonna move past the underground base, one of these days. You know, one of these days, I feel like I’ll be able to grow and achieve the desire to build a base that doesn’t have to be underground.” But I don’t think it’s possible now Chip, because I think… I just don’t know. I feel like the paranoia– there’s still like, residual leftover trauma from that situation, Chip.

But here’s the problem Chip: I don’t think I don’t think– I don’t think people understand it. Like, I just really don’t. But I also don’t blame them Chip, ‘cuz I don’t think it’s possible to fully understand it if you haven’t lived through it. Like, if you did not live through the QSMP… I’m talking about the QSMP, I don’t- I don’t know if that was obvious– if you did not live through that, it almost sounds like, crazy. But I don’t think people realize how much of a joyous experience like, the Eggs were. Right? I don’t think people realize it. Like, they were SO awesome! They were literally so awesome to just hang out with and spend time with, Chip. So, it’s just one of those things that–

[He’s interrupted by a loud rumble of thunder above them]

Did lightning just strike here? Is it thunderstorming out…? But anyway, Chip. That’s the food for thought.

But that’s the problem– Like, every time it rains in Minecraft, I have to like, look at the sky, and I get this weird, like, second--hand vibe because of the trauma. The trauma, Chip! The trauma is real! But that’s the point– I’m not saying I regret it. I, to this day Chip, I loved the experience. I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat. Even knowing how everything went, I would still do it all over again. 

[He falls down] Dangit, don’t come over here Chip, ‘cuz I’m coming back up! Ok.

I would still do it all over again, because — even knowing like, all the trauma and suffering  and stuff like that — because it was just… It was just that fun, Chip, it was just that fun. I really wi– I don’t think it’s ever gonna be possible, Chip, to give people that same energy, like that same experience. You know what I mean, Chip? I don’t think it’s ever gonna be possible again. Like, EVER.

Because… because like, one: I will say on one level Chip, I will say on one level, like– it’s sort of emotionally like… It’s emotionally devastating, and I think to actually go through that– and this is where like, if I ever do end up going to a– see a therapist, if I ever do end up going to see a therapist at any point, I’ll talk it over with them and be like, “Hey, what do you think about this?” Because I genuinely think on one level, like– it’s created this fear of forming attachments because of like, how things can go. You know what I mean? Like, the fear of getting attached to something and then potentially losing it. Like, it’s- it’s a genuine thing. I think people forget about that.

Like, at the end of the day, everything was RP, right? On the server. You know what I mean? Like, everything was RP, Chip. BUT at the same point, even though it was RP Chip, it was still like– there the reality of you were still playing like, with another person, and you were still getting that experience, and it felt like you were genuinely attached to someone and you didn’t want anything bad to happen to them. It was GENUINELY stressful, Chip.

But at the same point, I don’t regret it, and I don’t think it was a bad experience. I’m– 

Sometimes in life Chip, you go through stuff, and maybe you have a certain amount of like, things that like, can happen, that you’re like, “You know what, maybe this wasn’t a good thing that this happened,” but at the same point, you still aren’t necessarily upset about it, because… it’s like growing as a person, right? Here’s the thing Chip; even bad situations, Chip, can lead to an overall good outcome. Like–

Even if you’re going through something bad Chip, just because a bad thing happens doesn’t mean that only bad things have to come from that. That’s one of the things I tell people all the time, Chip, is that if you go through a bad situation, you can learn from it, and you can use your experience to help others. And you can be that– you can be, at the worst-case scenario, you can be someone for other people who are going through that same experience to lean on when they go through that.I think there’s a certain amount of comfort that comes from that; from knowing no matter how bad your situation is, you’re not the only person who’s experienced it. You know what I mean?

[pekkhum]

I fully agree.

Though the efficiency of compression and formatting may vary, resulting in a higher bit rate not always bringing a better experience, not only is it true in this case, but also the fact that it is an order of magnitude difference really can make it difficult for that to matter. In the end more compression for the same amount of displayed data is often achieved through carefully losing information that you hope the consumer won't notice or care about. Often, a consumer won't care about the difference, and that is fine, but it is easily observable.

This applies to audio formats, too, by the way. Even if you don't care about the audiophile analog vs digital, transistor vs tube, and so on debates, there are always trade-offs. The MP3 that you stream or download is kept small through a method of finding all the biggest components of the waveform and forgetting the details. Common qualities of 192kbps through 256kbps will all have this same method applied, even up to the 320kbps that would be considered high quality.

CD audio is a digital format from 1982 with no compression method applied, just the normal analog-to-digital losses that the studio must master the track for (and more recently generated music was likely already digital, though at a higher quality level). CD Audio contains two channels of uncompressed audio, each with 16-bits per sample and 44100 samples per second. This is obviously worse than a studio quality recording, possibly with each separate instrument at 24-bits at 48khz to 96khz, but they won't be selling you their masters, anyway. If they are selling a similar quality FLAC (a much higher bitrate, lossless format), enjoy it, but MP3 vs CDA remains unchanged. CD Audio's 1411.2kbps may not be efficiently used, but that means none of the compression losses that you'll experience in even the highest quality 320kbps MP3. Add the benefits of physical ownership, described previously, and it becomes apparent that physical media has many excellent things to bring to the table, over the most common available formats.

(Side note: your Bluetooth headphones or cheap USB headphone adapter may wreck any value gained, so your mileage will vary.)

If you are worried about the convenience of these formats above all, I totally understand, but do remember that in most jurisdictions you have the explicit right to backup your media and watch those backups, so long as you don't go distributing them or reselling the physical media. Enjoying your backups at whatever quality level you find appropriate can be as convenient as the streaming platforms, with a bit of initial setup. As usual, I understand if you don't want to do that initial setup.

Digital platforms are wonderfully convenient, but other than being optimized for the realities of the Internet, they are optimized for the platform's costa, as well. They are also optimized for the extraction of wealth and absolute control over media, including the option to silently edit older media to better suit what the corporation currently wishes to convey. Even if they choose to keep your favorite story on the platform, it may one day mutate suddenly, as the corporation attempts to gaslight you about their own past or updated message.

If you value convenience and access to what they are putting out right now, then I absolutely understand that these streaming services have value to you, personally. Anyone who tells you that they are higher quality, higher availability, or higher security, however, is selling you lies for the corporation's benefit.

Also, the boxes might be pretty or have little picture cards inside, if you care.

"but physical media is worse quality and will break with time" I DON'T CARE! I WANT TO OWN THINGS I LIKE! I WANT SHELVES FULL OF DVDS, CDS, AND A LIBRARY!

[sherurose]

"He loved it not because it looked like a gentle, thoughtful young man, but because it was ghastly and awful and loathsome, and beautiful all at the same time. He loved it the way people love evil, because it thrills them to the core of their souls." — The Queen of the Damned, Anne Rice.

[vynnyal]

I've been having a delightful time stumbling over my emojis being used in random servers, so here's more