#even while my heart is in absolute SHAMBLES. i said i would and i will despite fears etcm

[thebirdandhersong]

Holding on BY A THREAD❗❗❗❗❗❗

[bamboobooshark]

BUCKY BARNES X READER

“It’s been a long time.” || 870 Words || P.G. 13 Rating (For Language) || Fandom: Marvel (Avengers)

Author’s Note : I know I’m so behind on fictober, but I finally have a day to mostly sit back and write a little. I can’t promise I’ll be able to keep up with all the prompts however there will be a free week I have to write! Like my first angst piece, this won’t be as perfect or sad as some may expect. Let’s just hope I do better as I get more experience!

CONTENT WARNINGS: Lack of personal care, educational struggles, sleep deprivation, altered timeline, able bodied Reader, crying, momentary profanity, denial, non-verbal Bucky, somewhat beta read.

College has been a pain in the ass lately. Each class has you in complete shambles. It’s been an endless cycle of lecture, take notes, study, and fail. You don’t know what you’re doing wrong; you don’t know what you’re missing. You’re trying your absolute hardest to keep your grades where they need to be. You’ve been saving and paying and working endlessly to get where you are now. It’s not the time to give up. Even if your clock reads one forty-two, you have to keep pushing.

Right now you’re working through a study guide for calculas that you made with a few of your classmates. The numbers, letters, and symbols are all smudging together. You can’t tell if you don’t have the mental capacity to comprehend what’s on your laptop screen or if your eyes are going blurry from the lack of taking care of your needs. You choose the latter because you think you hear a knock at your door. Unless you’re hallucinating or have a stalker, there’s no way someone is at your door this late at night. To reassure yourself that nothing’s wrong right now, you tilt your laptop screen down and quietly make your way to your door. You cautiously look through the peephole and have to do a double take.

No fucking way.

Is Bucky at your door right now? How did he find you? How does he know you live here? Did he assume you were awake, or had he been watching you? Thousands of anxious questions raced through your head. You took a minute to stare at him a little longer. It didn’t take you too long to realize his eyes were red and watery, so you immediately opened the door. He stood there—still, but still as gracious as he had been. His eyes were piercing through yours as if he knew you’d been standing there. You smiled softly to prompt a greeting from him. He was silent. His stillness, his silence, and his lack of emotion were unsettling. Last time you’d seen him, he was in the same state he was right now: crying with red eyes. The only difference was his screaming and fighting to get to you. Neither of you could process the fact that the other was physically here. “Bucky,” you said dryly. Not as a greeting nor a question. The two of you continued to share a gaze for a while. You mentally begged that he would say something, but he didn’t. You didn’t have the courage nor energy to start verbally pleading to him to speak, but that’s what was necessary. “Bucky. Why are you crying?” you asked gently before reaching out and rubbing his bicep up and down. He started to let his tears break from his eyes. His throat released silent chokes and sobs all from one question. You weren’t going to tell him that everything is okay and that he didn’t have to worry about anything because you knew damn well something was up.

You urged him into your living space, tightly locking the door behind the two of you. The second you led him to the couch, he slumped against it pitifully. You looked at him with my most worried expression ever. He grabbed and pawed at your arms desperately. “Talk to me, Bucky. Hell, show me. I don’t care. Please just help me understand,” you said softly while holding him close to your chest. He continued to hiccup and sob in your arms as he attempted to show you what he wanted or needed. He pulled away from your chest and placed a metal hand over your heart. There wasn’t space in your heart to try and pry him more about what happened; you instead attempted to guess what he needed. “You want to listen to me breathe? My heartbeat? Your chest hurts?” you guessed as you shifted. You laid your lower back against the armrest of your couch, and Bucky slung his legs up so his feet hung over the other end. Without a word, he quickly latched his arms around your waist and pressed his ear to your heart. “That’s it,” you cooed in hopes he was being soothed. Despite holding back tears of your own, you tried your best to breathe steadily to not disturb the man on top of you. His heavy tears left soft, wet stains in the fabric of your shirt, but you could care less about the cleanliness of your shirt.

He continued to cling to you for so long that the two of you had fallen asleep together, and when you woke up, he was still holding you just as tightly. His soft blue eyes looked up at you as he pressed a gentle kiss to your abdomen. “I’m sorry if this was too much,” he began to apologize. “It’s been a long time since I saw you. My first thought was to come find you,” he confessed, though you were confused by what he meant. “I have so much to explain,” he sighed in time with you before you ruffled his hair. “Don’t worry about it, Bucky. I’ll be here to listen,” you reassured him, shifting to kiss his forehead.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

i think you're onto something with the romance novels world and plot points needing to mirror the kind of outlandishness of the love story. bc the main characters are already inherently acting absurd just by falling madly in love in a month or whatever and then if you add in the contrivances of romance tropes, it starts to feel like whiplash trying to pretend the characters live in any sort of grounded "normal" world. Like when the author adds in a family conflict subplot where the MC is like in absolute shambles because her mom said something slightly passive aggressive at lunch. that reads as more jarring to me than like conflict being something ridiculous that her mom doesn't want her being a marine biologist bc they come from a long line of fishmongers. Give me absurd drama to match the over the top dialogue and character emotions, I knew it would be unrealistic it's a romance novel! I guess this applies more to romcoms, but the same would apply I think to an analogous serious scenario. Or at least that's my take on it

okay so having just finished genuinely the most boring romance novel I have ever read in my LIFE I'm going to expand on this a little so thank you for sending an ask that gives me such a great platform to do that

I personally generally prefer a romance that just gets fucking silly with it, like really outlandish. A Lady for the Duke (Alexis Hall) is obviously the dream, being a whole swoony historical trans-affirming fantasy, but contemporary fake relationship stories can also be fun in their sheer ridiculousness, like Love, Hate, and Clickbait (Liz Bowery), which I actually liked, and Unfortunately Yours (Tessa Bailey), which I did not like but was very funny. and let's not forget queen Helen Hoang's Bride Test, which has a premise that dances perilously close to human trafficking but all works out in the end!!!

BUT HAVING SAID THAT. I don't think that something needs to be totally implausible to be a good romance. two of my very favorites romance novels anywhere ever are Helen Hoang's Heart Principle (no one should be surprised Hoang is on her twice I adore her) and Akwaeke Emezi's You Made a Fool of Death with Your Beauty. both of these books are very grounded in reality but with very uncommon situations to heighten emotions and add urgency; in Hoang's case it's a character's adult autism diagnosis + death of a parent and in Emezi's case it's a very sudden and #problematic attraction coming out of absolutely nowhere. the stakes are very real, mostly centering around being true to yourself v disappointing your family, but the circumstances are still wild enough to make you say "god DAMN" and keep turning pages. hell, I'll even be extremely generous and include Mistakes Were Made (Meryl Wilsner) which is kind of a flop but does have the intriguing premise of "what if you were fucking a milf but her kid was YOUR BEST FRIEND and it was a secret?"

those are like the two sweet spots TO ME, and this book I just read (which was Thank You for Sharing by Rachel Runya Katz, I feel so bad putting it on blast but I know people are going to ask) really solidified it for me because TYFS didn't fall into either of those categories. I'm going to say something absolutely insane, which is that multiple times while I was reading it I found myself wishing that the book was fanfic, because on its own it just... didn't bring a lot to the table? it falls into the grounded category but doesn't really bring any of those heightened stakes to the story, it's just 330 pages of people in their late twenties complaining about dating and their office jobs. if I wanted that I could just ask my group chat! there's nothing particularly particularly gripping about watching made up strangers do it!

but then I was like oh hang on... if this was two fictional characters who are usually fighting with swords or throwing cars at each other or something this would be so gripping. it's literally the coffee shop AU principle, right? like seeing people in a very mundane setting having an office job and going to a bar is very shrimpteresting when they're normally defusing space bombs. I was explaining this to my housemates and I couldn't think of a straight couple to apply it to (the book is m/f) so I said Naruto and Sasuke, which is crazy because I've never seen a single episode of Naruto, but like. idk Naruto being a museum curator who has to work with Sasuke, a marketing specialist who he had beef with a summer camp 14 years ago, sounds kind of compelling, right? definitely more than just two people I don't know.

there's a post on here that I think about a lot that talks about why advertising a story with tropes doesn't work for original fiction as well as it does for fan fic because knowing the tropes is more helpful when you already have a sense of investment in the characters and their personalities, and I think this is related to that! I think sometimes you NEED to have a wider sense of scope for the characters for them to be interesting in a very mundane setting!

ANYWAY. much to consider, etc.

[mischivana]

Hiiiiiii love your post they're really nice 👍

Would you want to do 44 with Piper x fem reader? Reader thought they weren't capable of love with never getting a crush on a boy but absolute gay panic when meeting Piper

But also internalize homophobia and fear of love as a whole.

I Love You and It Terrifies Me

Piper x Fem!Reader

Pronouns: She/her

Summary: You’ve always felt like you were incapable of love because you were never able to form a crush on any guys at school. But when yu return to camp that year, there’s a girl that makes you question everything.

TW: Gay panic, internalize homophobia, fear of love

Genre: Angst/Fluff

A/N: Im so sorry that this took forever, Ive been really busy with a lot of things recently. There are absolutely some spelling errors in here, and i sincerely apologize for that. also Beckendorf and Selina are alive because I say so >:)

Masterlist

All my life I’ve been told that I would find the perfect boy for me. My mother would always play dolls with me and in every game, the girl would always love the guy. Whenever I would hang out with my friends, our conversations would always divert to what boys we liked in our class. While my friends would giggle and fawn over the boys, I would sit and wonder why I couldn’t understand. And its not like I didn’t try. Every time I tried to convince myself of having a crush, I just couldn’t do it. But maybe I was just incapable of love. Im supposed to love a boy so if I cant, then I must be incapable. And that’s where I left it. For years.

When I got to camp, I thought maybe things would be different. maybe here would be the place where I couldn’t he boy that I loved. But it still never happened. But I was a kid of Hephaestus. Maybe that was why I couldn’t love. My dad had a hard time loving so maybe I did too. Thanks dad. But then I learned about my brother Beckendorf and his girlfriend Selena. So if it wasn’t my genes, then maybe it was just me. Maybe Iw as incapable of love. And maybe I just needed to be okay with that.

That was until Annabeth returned from the Dam with three new kids. Jason, the son of zeus. Leo, a new brother of mine. then Piper, a daughter of Aphrodite. I don't know what happened when I saw her but, something happened. She was so pretty, so beautiful. I sat next to her at the campfire to try and get to know her and she was great. she was funny and confident and pretty, she was really pretty. but she was dating Jason, which honestly I didn't blame her. he was conventionally attractive after all.

I left the campfire that night not noticing how I was blushing. how my heart fluttered and my stomach filled with butterflies/ maybe it was the adrenaline of making a new friend, someone I felt I really connected with. As time passed, me and Piper spent more and more time together. I considered her my best friend and I'm sure she felt the same. the only thing that set me off, I hadn't felt this way about anyone before, not even my closest friends before Piper. What was this feeling?

The truth hit me when the three left for their quest. When I was saying goodbye to Piper I gave her the biggest hug of my life.

"Please be safe Pipes, I don't want you coming home in shambles" I said worried as I continued to feel her around me.

"I'll try, I can't make any promises" she said playfully as she squeezed me back. I watched them leave and couldn't hide the worry on my face. My brother, Beckendorf, came to my side and rested his hand on my shoulder.

"I know that look, she'll be fine" his deep grumbly voice said to me. I looked at him with a puzzled look. "what look?" I asked him curiously.

He smiled back down at me and laughed before turning me and walking me back to the pavilion. "That look of when someone you love dearly is going off and you don't know if they'll be okay, but you just have to trust them. I know that look-" "He's worn it too many times" he was cutoff by his girlfriend Selina. They were the best relationship in camp. I pondered what he meant.

"Of course I care about Piper, she's my best friend" He looked at me like I was clueless. I kinda was cause I had no idea what he was talking about. I couldn't love Piper as more than a friend right? I was supposed to feel that for boys. Selina took me by the shoulders and walked me with her.

"let a love expert explain sweetie. You and my sister have a very special connection. You care about her, more than anything right?" I nodded at her as she sat us down on a bench. "why do you think that is?" "cause she's my closest friend?" she looked at me again and took a breath, mumbling something along the lines of "this is going to be harder than I thought" before clearing her throat and continuing.

"So y'know how me and your brother are dating?" I nodded again. "well, before that I felt a certain way for him and he did for me. I would always look forward to seeing him, I loved talking to him, he was my closest friend. Every time I though of him my heart felt fluttery and my stomach filled with butterflies. thats when I realized I loved him" I sat there and listened to her. It took me a moment and I realized, thats exactly how I felt for piper. Did I love Piper? could I even love another girl?

"But she's a girl...and I'm a girl...is that- is that allowed?" She looked at me shocked and gave me a reassuring smile. "Oh sweetie, it's more than okay. Why would you think not?" she asked me sincerely "my mom always told me that I could only date a boy... girls liked boys and boys liked girls" I said confused. She spoke up again, "well thats weather closed minded thinking isn't it?" I looked at the ground and pondered for a moment. Did I really love Piper?

After awhile I returned back to my cabin to think about it myself, at least thats how I framed it. I was actually really panicking. What did this even mean? What would my mom say? Is this why I never liked any boys from my school? How does Piper feel? Do I even like her or am I just kidding myself? This went on for almost two days.

I was sitting on my bed still pondering it when I heard the door open. It was my brother and Nico, Hades son. I knew Nico had a boyfriend but he was also from the 1920s so maybe thats why it was okay. Nico sat down on my bed and brought me into a conversation about it. Asking me how I felt for Piper and telling me what this all meant. It was all so scary, everything I've ever been taught by my mom about love was being rewritten before my eyes. By the end of it, I realized. I was in love with my best friend, and she was dating a guy.

When they returned I was the first one to run from the crowd and envelop her in a tight hug. She hugged me back and I looked at her. she was tried, exhausted, she had a few scars but she was still her.

"Oh my gods Im so happy you're safe you had no idea how worried I was about you" I said frantically once we stopped hugging "I'm happy you worry about me" she said with a small laugh.

A few days after they had returned, everyone had discussed everything. I eventually found out that Jason and Piper had broken up after they found out their whole relationship as basically built off a lie. I helped her a lot through this. I helped her find out who she was again and assured her that I would be there no matter who she decided to be with.

"Y'know Im really happy to hear that" Piper said to me as she continued to hold my hand on the bench. "Oh? and why's that?" I said with a small laugh. "Because I realized more about my feelings on that quest other than me and Jason being fake" she said kind of cautiously. I looked at her questioningly. I knew I loved her, but there wasn't a way that she loved me back the same way. But she grabbed my hand that was in hers and brought to her lips, giving my knuckled a soft kiss. I looked at her and knew. "Piper, I don't know what love means, it...it honestly kind of terrifies me.." I said looking from her to the ground with a soft blush across my face to match hers. She brought my gaze back to hers and pressed her forehead to mine "Ill be here when you figure it out" she said to m softly. In that moment, everything Id been told didn't matter. I loved her, and there wasn't a question to that.

A/n: Hi I know this isn't that good, honestly I didn't know how to fish it so this is the best your getting. In any case, thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed it at least a little bit

[hellishvxbes]

Being a good person doesn’t meant taking shit laying down btw.

Like I think just in general, people think staying quiet about how they’ve been treated to avoid ‘drama’ is the best solution and I’m telling you it’s not.

Absolutely be loud about it. Point it out. Confront them. How they react is out of your control but at least you said what you needed to say.

I’ve been shushed before. Someone who I thought was a friend really hurt me, betrayed me. It was like a slap in the face, and all because I was going through my own shit and didn’t have time to be there 100%.

And it sucked, how I kind of had to swallow my hurt. How a lot of my ‘friends’ knew it was shitty of them but because they didn’t wanna cause drama they didn’t say anything. No one did a god damn thing and it’s really something when you see an abuser get love and praise and be treated like they are this wonderful person when they aren’t.

And true, you can’t make everyone see it. I know they will eventually, and it’s not my job to point it out for everyone. And I won’t. But at that time? It absolutely hurt me, and I started to look at things differently. Look at people differently. And it left me shambles for a good while.

I would rant about it and people would ask me to stop. Or to tag it. Because they didn’t wanna see it. And that’s valid? But also? Why is it you can only accept me when I’m showing my good side? The side of me that’s put together and makes you laugh and keeps you entertained but when I’m hurting you want me to take it elsewhere.

Started making me look at ppl on here who only look at you like a number. I know we all are going through our own shit. I don’t expect ppl to drop everything and help me, I don’t expect ppl to care. If I vent it’s usually just for myself to let off steam and it helps . But yet, somehow there’s always someone that makes it about them.

Therapy has helped me a lot with creating boundaries. I realized a lot of the things that happened where my own fault due to, seeing the issues but not saying anything about them. And also how I make myself to readily available for people. I was there for that person for so much, even bought them food when they were hungry and couldn’t for themselves. I don’t regret it, I don’t regret caring or having a good heart. No natter what I never want to lose that side of me that gives a damn about people.

I do the things I do because I’ve been there. I offer a safe space , a fun space for you to be yourself . Because I know what it’s like to have to hide. Show ppl how to love themselves because I had to learn on my own. I am an empath, I feel everything and I sometimes go overboard because I don’t have the proper boundaries set up. But I’m much more aware now. Learning and trying to be more effective in my communication.

But it makes me sad when you do call out bad behavior and instead of people looking at themselves and saying ‘you know I’m sorry I did screw up, I’m going to do better’ they deny. They gaslight you. They bring up everything YOUVE done wrong to them instead of acknowledging what you’re bringing to their attention. Suddenly they are the victim and you’re the bully being aggressive because they can’t tell the difference between an aggressive tone and an assertive one.

And it sucks that you’ll deal with people who can’t see anything past their own pain. Cuz there is no dealing with that, that’s shit they gotta work on and unfortunately they gotta be willing to look at themselves in the mirror and start seeing the truth.

We all got flaws. I had to look myself in the mirror, and see a lot of things I didn’t like either. Things that needed changing. That’s maturing. Recognizing you’re not perfect, that you do fuck up, and being willing to accept and change it.

But a lot of ppl on here not ready for that. And the moment I’ve started my healing journey I’ve lost a lot of people who aren’t built like me. Whether it’s because I make them see things in themselves that they don’t like, or think they can’t ever be or what it’s not really my problem anymore.

I’ve been stagnant for so long, I want things out of my life and for the first time in my life despite setback after setback I feel like I finally start getting them. I can respect people who aren’t ready to heal, but I can’t stay in those situations anymore. I wish you luck on your own path, but I’m done putting myself on hold for others all the time.

You’re not wrong for wanting to hold people accountable. There are always limits of course. Say your piece and be done, don’t keep adding fuel to it. How they react remember is out of your hands but you did what you needed to do. People say closure is pointless and I say you obviously learned to just not act on your discomfort and just bottle it up and to me that’s sad.

Because we shouldn’t have to do that for the sake of someone’s comfort who had no regard for ours.

And I am confrontational. I’m a nice person but I will come to you with an issue if there is one. And there’s nothing wrong with that, one mistake doesn’t make you horrible. Makes you human. Changed behavior means you’re growing and learning. It’s not a bad thing and I wish tumblr would stop viewing this stuff as bad. Because it’s so important to be able to grow and it’s why so many people suck because no one is really trying to do that.

[lokissweater]

Hello, Nicole!!

So... the last time I have cried so hard for a 2d man was approximately... two years ago. And then I read your Beetlejuice fic. I cried so hard, I needed to take 5 minute breaks per sad scene LOL. It took me two days to recover emotionally. Haha.

Is this legal? Where is your license to step over all of our hearts?? (Do it again.)

So my favorite part is how you brought up whether it is better to not have any memories at all or to remember yet bear the pain of loss. Loneliness will eat you up either way, and it shows how memories can be both a blessing and a curse. It provides a source of comfort while exacerbating the longing we feel. You know how Satoru said that love is the most twisted curse of all? Love in memories feels even more so.

Literally in shambles.

Also, I forgot to tell you. I don't usually read fics with Toge. But, I read the barista au! fic because it's lokissweater, and I am a sucker for lokissweater, I will literally read anything that lokissweater writes ;.; So you showed me how fun and more nuanced and complex Toge could be. Ugh. My heart...

(Last thing. I want to draw a fan art for you. BUT I CAN'T DECIDE WHICH FIC TO DRAW A FANART FOR. If you have a specific scene in mind, let me know T^T)

- Court :D <3

COOOOOUUUURRRTTTTT WHAT THE FAAAAWWWKKKK IM SCREEAAAMIINGGGG 😭😭😭😭

SOMEBODY SEDATE ME RIGHT NOW IM OBSESSED WITH YOU bc now i want to have an entire ted talk with you about the different perspectives of loneliness and memories because YYYYEEEEAAASSSS YOU SO FUCKING GET ITTTT !!! 🫵🫵🫵🫵 AND IM SO SORRY I MADE YOU CRYYYY ITS OK BC I WAS WRITING THE REVEALING MEMORIES SCENE AT LIKE SIX AM IN MY BED BAWLING SO BAD I WAS CONGESTED ALL DAY 😭😭😭😭

that line is one of my FAAAVSSS from sir honored one i almost put it in but i couldn’t find an appropriate spot for it where HE could say it, only for juno, and i need HIM to say it so i scrapped it 💔💔💔 BUT ITS OKAY !!!

AND WTFFF ACTUALLY THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR GIVING MY TOGE FIC A CHANCE AND OPENING UP YOUR PRECIOUS HEART !!! i’m so glad you liked it my love !!! 🥺💕💕

and i mentioned earlier that im screaming and obsessed BEEECAAAUSEEE TFFFF WHEN DID I GET BLESSED WITH SUCH A DELICATE SOUL THAT WANTS TO DRAW A FANART YOURE ACTUALLY SO GIFTED AND SO SO SWEEETTTTT 😭😭💕💕💕💕💕 I FEEL SO PRIVILEGED !!!

I WAS THINKING MAYBE SATORU IN HIS LITTLE BEETLEJUICE SUUUIITTT !!! i would love to see that man in those stripes 🫦🫦🫦 BUT ONLY IF THIS IS ABSOLUTELY OKAY WITH YOUUU !!! <333

thank you SO SO much for this court this was SUUCCHHH a treat and a gift i can’t thank you enough !!! 🥺🥺💕💕 HAVE AN AMAZING REST OF YOUR DAAAYYY !!! <333

MWAAAHHHH 💕💕💕

[1d1195]

Ding part 2.... SAMANTHA I AM IN SHAMBLES!!!!!!!😭 i don't know where to start!!!!

Knowing a bit on how Harry got into boxing broke my heart! Imagining little Harry feeling so misunderstood by his peers was so 💔and that mention of him not having a father figure 💔

But of course I LOVED how you described how he felt when first meeting/seeing cupcake! You know I love when your Harry's are just so far gone for the MC! Thought it was so cute that little interaction with him and Louis in the ring like 😭

But their little moment in the bakery😭 Him being so sleepy yet still wanting the comfort of her presence is just so adorable! Realistically yeah he's a stranger but who cares I think this is just so cute! and the cupcakes! She's so sweet( like all of your MCs) of course she would bake him cupcakes! and that call back to the first part was so perfect!

Was i a bit gagged that 2 MOTHS had passed? YEAH but im not mad about it lol Now my heart froze for a bit when she had a date! Now i knew this was like a distraction bc my girl is so gone for him too so I was not worried lol

Now the aftermath of the date... my heart BROKE for her! It genuinely made me feel so sad bc men are the absolute worse :( The way you depicted her showering and her feelings felt so real to me and hit close to home :( But i did not feel uncomfortable reading it so im okay! I just felt so much for Cupcake like I wanted to just hug her and comfort her so bad! And her blaming herself :( Those feelings are so hard to avoid and ugh I wish that anyone who has ever experienced this that it is not their fault at all! No matter how much our brain tries to convince us!

But the change to her interacting with harry after months was just so sweet! I was for sure smiling like an idiot from just how well their banter is! It didn't feel like so much time had passed between them at all and I love that for them!

NOW THAT CLIFHANGER BESTIE!!! I SCREAMED INTO MY PILLOW! I AM ITCHING TO FIND OUT HIS REACTION!! will she tell him the truth? SO MANY QUESTIONS! I ATE this up! I felt so immersed in their world while reading this! You did such an AMAZING job, but you always do that! I loved reading this! And the new layout is cute and so are your little notes at the beginning!

sorry for the late reply! This week has been so busy! But I hope you are enjoying your break so far!!!! Love you lots!-💜

AHAHAHAHA FULL NAME

I plan on adding on a little more about how Harry is a bit grumpy and frustrated. Always underestimated kind of thing. I don't usually describe Harry all that much because he's pretty much already described--or everyone just knows who I'm talking about. But I think he's mainly face claim, right? I feel like that's what most people do nowadays anyway.

I love to add a bit of 1D back into the mix when I can. I also LOVE to have him be so far gone for the MC. I do love my callbacks. I'm glad you feel that way about him being a stranger, I was getting kind of nervous he was being creepy--another reason I cooled Harry's heels and put a span of 2 months between them. I know that was a lot 😂

MEN ARE THE WORST. I'm so sorry it felt close to home; I'm glad you were able to read it without feeling uncomfortable. I don't want you to go into detail if you don't want to but I'm sorry you related to that. Nothing about that kind of situation is okay. I'm really sorry :( I always get so nervous when posting delicate storylines like that. I want the plot to move but not at the cost of making people uncomfortable. I think you'll REALLY like the next part in regards to blaming herself. I completely agree with your feelings. It's hard to ignore the way we feel and experience situations and it's easy for our brains to trick us.

Even though I put two months between them, I'm--as always--trying to sell that they just click; time and social norms be damned hehehehe I'm glad you liked their banter 💕

I know i said it just a second ago, but I really think you'll like the next part 😉 i think it will cover a lot of the questions you have.

AS ALWAYS please don't apologize. I'm sorry your week is already off to a tough start that on Tuesday it's already been so busy. I HATE weeks like that. I'm enjoying my break and love you lots too! 💕

xoxo

[pastelaspirations]

Okay, I... I don't know what, I can't- W a i t, o k a y. I'm not even screaming right now or. Even in the process of losing my mind. I have already lost it. It's gone. My mind has left me, a shell of a person, as I ascend into the heavens as I am essentially dead in all manners but physical.

Would even saying "I'm not okay" be accurate to my situation??? It would be more akin to holding up a severed arm at the scene of a car crash, giving a skeptical look to said car crash, then addressing every horrified and disturbed individual that you, in your professional opinion, think that the person who used to own the severed arm is in fact, not okay.

Can I. Come back maybe. Reblog this when I have found my lost mind somewhere and can be more coherent.

O k a y. How do I. Even express what I feel right now.

My heart is in shambles. Utterly d e s t r o y e d, I tell you. I don't think there is a way I will ever possibly recover from this.

We laugh and we laugh at my lighthearted jokes of me crying over fan art. And while I was over the moon, delighted beyond the words that I so poorly tried to use and express the absolute joy I felt, I wasn't actually crying. Of course, there were times I came c l o s e, just from the sheer overwhelming joy that my tiny heart is not accustomed to feeling, but I usually was able to contain myself. The happiness cancelled out the tears that would have fallen. I'm sure this isn't a surprise, very often things said in full capital letters and repeated instances of the same letter at the end of words are said in hyperbole.

T h a t s a i d. I did actually cry from this. I promise, I am telling the full truth right now. To make matters brief, I had a very rough awakening due to an emergency and I had been stressed the majority of the day. S o, uh, I suppose that weakened the usually fortified walls I have up that prevent me from actually crying at things.

I don't know why, man. I'm just. So overwhelmed with so many emotions, I can't. ALL THE EMOTIONS YOU INFLICTED WITH THIS ARE ALL GOOD, I SWEAR, THEY'RE JUST. INCREDIBLY POTENT AND POWERFUL WHEN USED AGAINST A WEAK HEART.

I know how incredibly difficult animation is, even if I haven't attempted it myself yet. It takes so much practice and patience, and there are many who give up before they become better at it because of the unforgiving amount of time and perseverance it takes. So, that may be partly why I am so incredibly honored and humbled to have someone do all that for a story I made.

It just means so much, I don't know how else to express it. Never, in a million years, did I think when I created this fic three years ago, that I would be getting fan art, let a l o n e fan animations. If you were to tell me that three years ago, I would have looked at you like you had lost your mind.

That's what I wanted to do when I first started writing. I thought that if I inspired someone else with a little story that I created, then it would be worth it. ;_; So, to see all these incredibly talented people like you be so inspired to create something new means the world to me. It's just so incredibly flattering and overwhelming that it is over a story that I made. <3

OKAY, I'M SORRY FOR ALL THAT, I JUST. I'm so moved and touched and I'm not sure if I can even express how exactly I feel in words, but I tried. I promise, I will love this until the end of time and it means the absolute world to me <3 <3 ;_; ;_;

their first meeting . Based on the fanfiction "Perseverance" by: @pastelaspirations

[deadnamedblog]

For information this is what my "organised" fic idea list looks like. Too damn many things on it. Feel free to get inspirations from there. Top part is my immediate focus/wips.

Wips

PKCX-203 : 2 chapters : Discussion with Chopper and Form 5 when does a man die… not when his hearts stops at least

(art) child in Flevance with toys around him, collapsed on the ground and white spots on his skin

Going Luffy. Could be Gomu Gomu 2. Chopper is not there and Luffy needs a massage

There is away. We'll be stretching it : お腹 の 中 の 仲間

I'd thought you'd jump at the chance to remove your crew from the dying list

bege no man is a castle alone part 2

food reserve feeding a king/emperor/yonkou

battle for the line

I don't want to leave - at home in your breast

Laboon

All Blue

Noa Religion

jealousy and faith and not fanatism. Lips burning with a childhood prayer

Holy Ground. Temple in Alabasta. Jaya

mysticism Zoro : discussions with the sun ? // Skypia I've never once prayed to god // don't believe either

Nami : praying

Usopp bowing even if you don't mean it.

Sanji : many gods and beliefs exist/ you said you wouldn't die, right? that your belief right?

"If you are kind to people good things will come to you"

Lawlu

Water Law I'm meant to rule the seas. Luffy : you can rule in my stead when I'm king of the pirates

from song (the Mushishi one): I would sail 20 000 leagues to see you

wedding at sea

Luffy is Ace sexual. Traflagar looks like Ace.

you are not my captain/you are my king

Laying Law on Zou

Soulmate AU where you don't get your soulmate's name in their writing on your arm, but their signature. Luffy gets a doctor scribble. Law gets an X. From quotes

Luffy : "just do what you want thats great ! If your heart is racing that's adventure"

"It's better if both sides just do what they feel is best" (long arm Ideo ch800)

Komurasaki. "The one who falls in love first is the one who loses"

"we've been collaborating for a while now… but honestly when it comes to him… I'v learned to never say never" (Law about Luffy)

Luffy : "I always go all out for everything"

Zoro, 'stop weeping! god, if you didn't want to part with her that much, we should've just brought her onboard by force!'

Usopp : "pirates are coming"

"love is always a hurricane"

Luffy "you don't repay any debt by dying. To throw away your life and die like this after being saved is what a weakling does."

Luffy : "I see. A place I absolutely cannot go to, huh?" all : "he is going there" (Skypiea)

Law

Admiral Nelson parallels The message "engage the enemy more closely" was Nelson's final signal to the fleet

Helping Usopp with precision work

Learning from Chopper

Leaving his heart on the Sunny

Jimbei. Warlords. "my life has no value to begin with"

Expect the unexpected. Le coup de Trafalgar.

how the hell is Luffy a captain?

post wano sanji and same taste in comic books

boa ?

Wano is a "lawless area"

Star Trek T'Law

shrewd man, something between Odysseus et Nemo (the taming of the shrewd?)

he left the room ?

shroom ?

In his element

death prophecy of 'D for Destiny" + leaving Bepo for Zou

getting Pluton. Ancient technology. They will need a user manual.

Water High

hell and high water

testing the waters

unknown waters

Self Shambling

the technique about making Kikoku grow longer.

captain Kuro is the man of a thousand plans

Law always sees past makeup of any kind

Law is possessive (possession part of the law all that)

Luffy Law Bepo, setting him free/getting in the crew

Polar opposites from quotes

"And if he fails…. I too ought to die here with him!"

"we're gonna plough right through."

Kaido about Wano : "then for all pirates this place will become a lawless area, a paradise"

Hearts : "the life of our captain comes before the plan"

Robin "all I wanted was to know history, but my dream had too many enemies".

Franky? "pirates can't complain when they've been messed with. The laws of the world will not protect you." "Yeah, I know, we don't abide by the law." (Luffy)

"he killed a nakama !! thus violating the ultimate law." from song :

Yellow Submarine. See Bege, Chopper, Dinosaurs refrerences. "and we sailed up to the sun till we found the sea of green"

smoke over water

Generic

Luffy / octopus. eldritch happiness fic about tako

Alabasta desert :Pell :who are you? Luffy : meat. Pell meets his god.

Shanks putting a brave face on for Luffy, then later crying for his arm.

Shanks Luffy sake. Why Luffy never drinks. Why Shanks drinks too much. title "For everyone's sake."

Mihawk comes to his island unexpected. Shanks thinks he'll have to sell his life dearly. (that time with Luffy's wanted poster)

intimacy of helping someone get dressed

Cora met Buggy and Bon Clay

Nico Robin supposed to be legendgary cold-blooded she-devil. Ender of all groups.

the strawhats don't know Pell is alive

the sun burns/love everyone, even bad guys. Bellamy (who killed Merry), Crocodile (Alabasta to Impel Down), yakusas in Wano.

reactions to wanted posters

TODO : find out what Aokiji is doing in Punk Hazard hyp 1 : following on the botched transmision from Caesar, of course hyp 2 : to see smoker as he said?

does Buggy have the Osiris fruit?

cursed sword, what's the curse?

is Stussy mom possible?

sea cloud bed Sea Clouds are not normally able to survive down at Blue Sea level. Making do with Gear5

rubber is sap from quotes

Sanji : "it's my fault he died." Carott: "just tell him thank you instead"

Usopp to Law : "you are officially the worst captain ever"

Dalton : "there is no medicine that can cure fools."

Usopp : so if you had a friend who was dying you'd tell him "it's ok, you can die now!!?"

Sanji : "a man forgives a woman's lies"

Usopp : do you actually belive that they'd willingly sacrifice a friend in order to survive ?

now that they know why you quit the group they'll find and chop your enemies no matter where they hide. (Nami explains afterward to Robin )

"how long do you plan on struggling? " Luffy : "until I die"

Luffy : "I have nakama who're not strong. But I still want them to be with me…!! So I have to be stronger than anybody else… or I'll loose them all!!!"

Luffy : "I don't care what you want, whether you choose to live or to die…!!! but whatever you decide, say it while you're with us!!!"

Isberg tells Nami, "she chose you 6 over the lives of all the people in the world"

Zeff : "does he not fear death because he has faith in himself?"

tumblr quote "what is gender to a god?"

[godsentience]

A pill I find difficult to swallow

Alhaitham x Kaveh pairing, one shot. Please be mindful of the tags below. Crossposted on AO3. A practice on metaphors in writing. Also in Alhaitham's POV.

I crave so subtle an affection beneath the limelight of the moon, where my solemn adoration are unheard, concealed behind the cowardice of textbooks. Days are brimmed with endless retorts against one another; arms crossed, eyebrows furrowed, neither willing to give up their claims of the world before them. It is always at the end, that we learn to compromise or get over the trivialities of our personalities never destined to meet due to their variance. Accustomed to the vexing attributes of our souls, this shared home becomes a house when you are absent to question my ways.

When night dawns, we thrive in a deafening feat of silence, a space more quiet than the confines of the accompaniment of books in the House of Daena. The ambiance felt tender and warm and has my skin scorching off of a passion unspoken. My lips would wordlessly proclaim the code of my relentlessly beating heart by a hushed whisper, eyes trained on the engraved letters of the book perched upon my hand, acting as if quantum mechanics enthralled my curiosity when all along, it was but our contrasting chemistry that has my inner feline in shambles.

Occupied by our respective, personal endeavors, my mind finds itself wandering back to the light that is you, fiddling with the quill, stroking delicate lines over the sheet of paper caught in the apple of your attention. In the midst of the silence, I would spare a glimpse from time to time, wondering about the projects you were tasked to make, wishing you would tell of how begrudging a request you were asked to do, how people would give you unrealistic proportions for a dwelling they wish to call their home, and how painstaking it was to negotiate with the persistence of stubborn clients.

When I first gazed upon ground to look at the picturesque silhouettes of our casted shadows, I had found that it is with you that this house started to look less insipid and monochromatic compared to when I was its sole inhabitant. I am merely a fragile flower vase in a still-life art, surrounded by teacups and the galores of plates embellished with exquisite prints of patterns on them, while you resemble the enthusiasm of a swirling illusion embedded in one's sight to fool the audience with its kinetic motion.

Is it not silly of me to think you'd ever share your efforts and troubles on plates you've worked yourself on, Kaveh? You've said it yourself; my compliments of your hard-earned title sounded halfhearted coming from me, regardless of my intent. Understanding the complexity of emotions seemed more farfetched than sensing the behavioral collisions and divergence of particles that surrounds us; a flutter of dust visible under the streaks of reflection mirrored by the moon's asperity.

How could I talk of the meaning of life when it follows you wherever you go? It is a phenomena not even distinguished scholars can comprehend, neither are they capable of seeing this vision, even if I forcefully compress the philosophy in one of the capsules that hold knowledge as captive. It is subjective, I knew this to be the absolute truth. But I'd never tell you about this peculiar finding; I am purposely shunning you away from the truth. What if we found this answer as our common ground? How could we argue about our theoretical beliefs like we did before, should we arrive at a truth? It may be selfish of me to gatekeep my conviction, and if to be iniquitous like this would keep you by my side then, I am your most devoted sinner.

In one of these nights, I'd sometimes feel the burn of a stare unto my skin, but I paid them no heed. I wouldn't know how to confront such a trail of an ardent stare; engraving depth on wherever patch of flesh it lands, softening the walls of a soul desperate to hide, melting my being until it had grown satisfied. 'What do you think of me when you stare so intently?' A voice would resonate from within. It felt like I wasn't being myself, that there lies another occupying my person; always filled with greed, always filled with longing. It is quick to liquefy over a mere, accidental brush of fingers much slender than mine, a stimuli that comes from a contact that barely even met, yet with a spark that would course through the veins in an instant.

These days, the area around the chest would swell, bearing the weight of emotions I kept to myself. I am made only to be logical, and reject the absurdity of sensing and feeling emotion, to stave it off once it appears before me, to kill it immediately once it shows signs of developing, as if it were a highly contagious disease that may become the means of an impending end. With the rivers of time, this agony I had imposed upon oneself to escape the chase of our touch-deprived liaison, is plausible of a reason enough to rid of it on the earliest detection. When the heart and the mind refuses to meet, I lie in consternation trying to settle on a choice. Which of you should I follow? Both seemed to inflict further damage, one way or another.

When we sit like this, facing one another, such thoughts would leave. It would create spaces and pave the way for my silent adoration, enumerate the little things about you that I'd find endearing, gaze with the glimmer of veneration sparkling as you would languishly sketch on your canvas with a quill. However, I am merely a destitute scholar, one who could never act on the trivialities of affection, even laconic in expression. Who knew that my heart would bear this profound penchant for suffering? Even I am alienated from my own capabilities. Would you even think I would feel any of this at all with my theatrical show of contempt and conceit?

Even for me, the thought is a pill I find difficult to swallow. I am, all of a sudden, foreign to myself. Strange, odd, peculiar; I've long told that I thrive as unique in this collective societyーthat I enjoy the variegated personality, away from the slavery in which the common crowd conforms to the imposed rules that favor the reigning governance. If such then mimics the value of my beliefs then, I am a criminal to my own being. To take a path I've not once taken, to indulge in reveries other than the details of reality, it is highly unthinkable for anyone to consider this an occurrence for me, even for you whom I've grown most fond of compared to anyone else. I am continuously drowning in this pit of dissonance, one where the heart tells the path and the answer I have is only you, who cannot guarantee reciprocity.

Just one chance, a mere slip, allow me to succumb and heed to the calls of my selfish desires. Even if it were just a second, endow me an ounce of freedom to feel things deeply, without the barricades obstructing the swelling of the heart; I ask of you, let me. All I demand is affection in the most subtle of ways, for you to look at me like an equal. Let me extend a foot to purposely brush past your side, give my eyes an excuse to graze upon yours, brazenly meet the gaze halfway as you idle a second of confusion, let me dissolve in little mirth, curl the toes inwardly, clear the throat, hum, return from my selfish endeavor.

"Ah, sorry. My leg got numb."

[lets-dance-to-joy-division]

Screaming (gently) Into The Void Post:

Goodness, I really don't even know where to begin. This last 14 months has been a wild ride for me, as some of you who have followed me for a long time will already know. I never expected any of what has happened to happen, but I have to say that overall I'm really grateful for the opportunity for growth.

.

When I left home last September, I was more or less a shambling mess of a human being. I was apathetic, cold, and depressed. I've been bouncing from place to place for my work for the better part of three years now, and it caused my issues to intensify, to the point that in November of 2020 my wife had to drive me to a psychiatric hospital to avert a suicide attempt. It wasn't my most shining moment, but it's the truth. I was prideful at the time, foolishly thinking I could handle what I was going through on my own, and refused continued care. I made excuses of being too busy and yada yada yada, but the truth is I was too scared to face my past.

.

I left a few more times between then and September 2021, and I just completely shut down by the time I got to where I am now. After about a month of being here, I knew I couldn't handle it on my own anymore; this job has too many stressors, too many triggers, too much death and pain. I finally went after help. I started therapy and I was so good at it that one of my two therapists said I should go three times a week for a while! Jokes aside, I needed it. Things started to change in me. I started picking up old passions. I felt like I could start to breathe again.

.

I became tremendously better at communicating with my wife and our relationship for the first time in a couple of years, really felt like it was going well, despite the distance. But the weight of sin is heavy, and you will always reap what you sow in the end. She expressed to me she needed to explore options outside of our relationship, it hurt, but I understood and gave her the green light to do so; we separated. I'm thousands of miles away and she had no evidence that my changes would be lasting on my return. I can't blame her; she put everything into us for three years while I was so broken and ungiving. My life and traumas had simply finally caught up to me, and the timing was awful; my refusal to do anything about it was worse.

.

Things got pretty dark for me again, and my therapist suggested that I find an outlet to express my emotions, so for the first time since I was in high school I started writing poetry. I really didn't know what to do with it, to be honest, but I wanted someone to see it, to try and connect with people. Once again she came in clutch for me and suggested starting a anon blog, and here we are.

.

You have all shown me so much love and support as I've been going through this journey of healing and self-discovery, re(dis)covery. I finally feel like I'm me again, something I don't remember how long it's been since I could say. You've messaged me encouraging words; a couple of you have even become some of my closest friends. You've been there for me in lonely and dark moments to lift me up and I just wanted to take a moment to thank each and every one of you from the absolute rock bottom of my heart.

.

I start traveling in the next day or so, and I'll be back home in a couple of weeks. I mean, this truly, it's because of you wonderful people that I made it this far; it's because of you that I'm not scared to keep pushing forward. Despite the fact that I'm about to lose contact with my therapist and I'll have to start over with a new one. Despite that, at this point, my marriage is all but over. It's you lovely and beautiful souls that give me some hope, and let me know that

I am not alone.

and hey, neither are you.

BL

[spectaclespencer]

P.H. // Part 3; Need To Know

Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

A/N; Chapter 3!! Yay! I will not lie I got kind of lazy and burnt out when I finally got to the smut scene, and for that I am sorry. I’ll make it up to you guys with a future chapter.

Summary; Reader can’t get her mind off of Spencer, which causes distractions at work. Until one day when he catches on.

Category; Smut (Minors DNI!!!)

Content Warnings; Swearing, Kissing, Mentions of masturbation, Unprotected sex, Fingering, Oral (Male receiving), Drinking, Mentions of being shot, Kinda Sub!Spencer, Virgin!Spencer (but not by the end of it)

Word Count; 7.2k

Masterlist | Series Masterlist | Previous | Next

‘Wanna know what it's like (like)

Baby, show me what it's like (like)

I don't really got no type (type)

I just wanna fuck all night’

Spencer Reid. The object of my attraction, the man I fell harder for with every stolen glance I could manage to throw his way. I was obsessed, and that infatuation only grew stronger every day that I saw him at work.

When we went out to bars after cases we ended up in an inevitable game of Never Have I Ever like a bunch of high school kids. With Emily and Derek in the group it almost always turned sexual. It started with innocent things such as; Never have I ever kicked down a door -- to which Derek drinks. There were some targeted jabs, I got Spencer a few times when I brought up an activity I was certain he had done -- just to keep him involved.

However he never drank past that. He never took a sip when Emily made a sexual innuendo, or when she brought up one night stands, number of partners, most bizarre location to engage in intercourse. Nothing of the sort got him to break. I figured he was a private guy, never one to boast about his sexual experiences.

It was frustrating, to say the least. It got to the point where I couldn’t think about anyone but him. I couldn’t engage in any sexual activity without my mind shifting to him, the way he might slip his fingers in and out of me, or how skilled he was with his mouth instead of the person I dragged home. No other person could even begin to compare to the remedy I concocted in my mind. I didn’t have any information to base my fantasies on, either.

I had it bad. So bad, that at one point I spilled hot coffee all over myself in the breakroom over the littlest interaction.

Spencer came in just after me, mumbling a small hello before reaching to grab a mug for himself. In the process of doing so his shirt rode up, exposing a small expanse of his lower stomach that had me sputtering as I clumsily missed my cup and instead poured the coffee all over the counter. It ran down and soaked through my pants; yet it wasn’t nearly as hot as the way I felt on the inside.

I couldn’t help but wonder the noises he’d make if I were to suck dark purple marks across that plain of skin...or if anyone ever had before.

The small burn was a fine price to pay for my inappropriate thoughts.

Him being the sweet guy that he is, offered to help me clean up. This proposal ended up with him taking paper towels and patting down my thighs -- not realizing just how suggestive the action looked to me.

“Sorry,” He whispered, looking up at my face from his position below me. He was kneeling on one knee, with a hand planted firmly on the outside of my thigh. His voice was soft yet raspy, and oh how I let my mind wander.

“Not your fault,” I said quickly, and borderline ran out the door before he could protest or add anything on.

I headed straight to the bathroom to wash my face, try and stop the effect he had on me from becoming too physical.

If I got that worked up over a small piece of skin showing, nothing could have prepared me for the first night we shared a hotel room.

I was in shambles all night, ever since the moment Hotch handed me a room card and explained we needed to double up.

Emily usually roomed with JJ, Hotch and Rossi got their own, and Derek refuses to bunk with Spencer -- if he could avoid it. Much to my luck, this time he did because Garcia was needed for this case, meaning she and Derek would be sharing.

Leaving me with Spencer.

I stood there helpless, eyes burning a hole into the place that Hotch was previously standing. I was panicking on the inside, my body going into fight or flight mode as I went through scenarios in my head.

I was 99% sure I would be embarrassing myself tonight.

“Hey,” Spencer said, putting a hand on my shoulder.

I jumped and shrieked a little bit, and slapped a hand over my heart. “Oh my god, Reid. You scared me.”

“Sorry,” he laughed. “Sorry I didn’t mean to.”

“It’s okay.”

He nodded, eventually realizing that he was still indeed touching my shoulder. He dropped his arm, only to bring his hand back up to rub over his chin.

My eyes darted down to it, watching at the way his veins stood out. It wasn’t the first time I admired them, there were moments when he was going over maps with two fingers where I wondered what they would feel like on my-

“____?”

“What?” I asked, a little too loud for the setting.

“Did you hear me?”

“No, sorry.”

“I said we should go inside,” he laughed softly, trying to sooth the tension.

I agreed, stepping past him to start walking to our room. I opened the door with trembling hands, wondering just how hard the following nights at the hotel would be.

“I’m gonna go see Emily and JJ. Ask if they wanna go to the bar,” I said quickly, throwing my bag down just inside the door.

“Oh. Okay. Have fun! Don’t stay out too late. You should get a full night’s sleep.”

“I won’t be long. Don’t wait up!” I called, not looking back to see him before half jogging out of the room.

-----

“I cannot go back in there.”

“Oh, because of your little crush,” Emily laughed, much too loud for the early hours of the morning.

Clearly Spencer’s advice about coming back early didn’t plant itself in my head.

“Yes, because of that,” I confirmed. I was staring down at my drink, wallowing in self pity. It was too awkward to even step foot in there, I’m sure just by the sight of him I’d explode.

“What is it about him that gets you hot and heavy?” JJ teased. “No shame, just curious.”

I fake laughed, ignoring her question.

Everything he did was so intoxicating. Even the most mundane things got my blood pumping hard. Each time he let a small gasp through his lips or when he would whisper to himself, a shockwave went through me, igniting a fire deep inside that was near impossible to put out.

But he was so oblivious. He hadn’t a single idea of the effect he had on me. And that was the most frustrating part.

The first time I noticed my extreme attraction to him was shortly after I joined the team, it was only the third or fourth case I’d had with them. Spencer and I walked to a coffee shop to grab some for everyone, and on the way back he was infodumping.

About what, I can’t remember, for I was too fixated on the way his hands wrapped around his cup as he talked. He’d wave it around, and in doing so his fingers would trace little patterns onto the outside of it. I didn't mean to stare, I just got distracted.

I started noticing more little things after that.

Like the way he licked his lips while deep in thought, his mind consuming him to the point where he looked so concentrated and determined. It was hot, to put it simply. I wanted nothing more for him to be licking my lips, to feel him take such care with my body.

He had always been attractive in my eyes, the young boy was nothing but pretty. Even when his hair was shorter and he gelled it back, pairing the look with his glasses -- that he unfortunately wore less often nowadays.

It was nearly painful to be around him all day every day. My head would constantly be spinning with anxiety, only causing more and more headaches to present themselves. It was like a punishment, one I certainly deserved for the tasteful thoughts I had during work hours.

My crush went from an innocent little thing, to full fledged fascination.

‘I just been fantasizin' (size)

And we got a lotta time (time)

Baby, come throw the pipe (pipe)’

Avoiding him as much as I could seemed like a decent plan at the time. If I kept my interactions low, I could distract myself with other things, and not focus on the way his lips pursed as I conversed with him. I raced up more time staring at his mouth rather than completing actual work by my six month stay at the BAU.

“I’m so fucked,” I nodded, coming to a bit of peace with my downfall.

“Well, you could be. If you told him how you feel,” JJ encouraged.

“No way in hell,” I protested, shooting my head up to make eye contact with her.

“____, there is a very, very high chance he feels the same. And if he doesn’t -- which he does -- he’s too sweet to let that impact your friendship.”

“We hardly even have a friendship. Whenever he tries to talk to me I end up running away. He probably thinks I hate him or something. He probably wants nothing to do with me.”

No objection from Emily or JJ there.

“What’s the worst that could happen?” Emily asked, changing the pace of the conversation.

“He never speaks to me again. I die of embarrassment.”

“You’re both adults, ____.”

“We are 27!” I shook my head, exasperated. “I hardly even feel like one sometimes.”

“27, exactly. I’m sure by now Reid has gained some experience with talking to women. You’ll be fine.”

“I have absolutely no way of knowing how things will go.”

“Just give him little tests,” JJ suggested. “Like touch him. On the shoulders, compliment him more, really go up to him and make a move. That way if he doesn’t feel the same you can play it off as being platonic.”

I groaned and rested my head on the table dramatically. “You both kinda suck at advice. What am I supposed to do? Waltz into our shared room and confess my love for him? Ask him desperately to dick me down?”

Even though I definitely wanted to.

They laughed at that, saying they were going to bed and wished me luck. Emily advised I should try and ‘get some’ from somebody else, and maybe that would take my mind off of things.

After stalling some more I eventually made my way back to the hotel room, hoping that Spencer was already asleep so I wouldn’t have to face him. But once again, luck wasn’t in my favour.

“Hi,” he spoke softly from his bed.

“Why are you still awake?” I asked, trying my best to stifle a yawn. I threw my sweater down on my bed, before grabbing my go-bag and retrieving my pyjamas from it. “It’s almost one in the morning.”

“I wanted to make sure you got back okay.”

“I told you not to wait up. Naughty boy,” I joked, finally turning my attention fully over to him.

Which could've been a mistake, based on the way you saw it.

He was dressed in flannel pants and a black t-shirt, along with his hair tied up that I’d failed to notice earlier. I froze at the sight, seeing the way his cheeks were dusted a slight red, and lips pink as ever.

His hair was tied up, and I almost dropped dead at the sight. I’d never seen it before. Sure, he sometimes wore an elastic band on his wrist during the work days but never have I seen him actually use one.

“I’m gonna shower and then head to bed,” I said in an effort to keep my voice steady.

He didn’t respond, only turning his head back to the book that was in his hand.

Thankfully when I returned he was asleep, meaning I didn’t have to see him before bed.

The next day was torturous. I couldn’t get the image of him out of my head. The view of him so relaxed on his bed was ethereal, the soft glow of the lamp hand illuminated his skin in all the right places. Did he pull his hair back often? Did he casually sit at home with it up? How did he look in different angles or positions? Are there other things he wears or does that I haven’t seen?

The image was just so domestic that I couldn't stop thinking about it even if I wanted to.

I was afraid to fall asleep, in fear that my dream may turn adventurous. Quitting my job and moving to a new city seems more preferable than having a sex dream about your coworker while they were in the room.

I was hyper aware of every move he made, always keeping tabs on him in the back of my mind so we wouldn’t accidentally run into each other.

Apparently when I was paying attention on how not to see him, I failed to notice how he had filled out recently. He wore looser pants in the past, ones that didn’t allow much shape to show through.

The next day at the precinct I was in for a surprise though, one that was sure to make me fall to my knees.

And I would have, if it wasn’t for the fact I was already seated in a chair.

Spencer walked in clad in pants that were far too tight to be appropriate for work. Or maybe I was overreacting.

“Jesus Christ,” I muttered under my breath, soaking in his appearance of the day.

It was hot outside, so he decided not to wear his usual vest and tie combo, choosing instead just a white pattern button up and grey tie.

I heard Emily snicker beside me, which earned her a light kick in the calf to shut her up. She got up then, winking at me dramatically before leaving the room to presumably go check in with Derek.

“Hey ____, can you come here for a sec?”

I got up without a word, and walked over to the other side of the room where he was standing at the map hung up.

He went off about the unsub’s possible comfort zone -- things that I’d need him to repeat later because I wasn’t fully listening,

I stayed leaning against the table, just two feet behind him which gave me a perfect view of just how tight those pants really were. They hugged his hips deliciously, I wanted nothing more than to rip them off in that moment. I nodded along dumbly, changing my sight from his ass to his back, to his toned arms that were shown off from him rolling up his sleeves.

It was a fair sight, I don’t really think I could be blamed for staring.

A few weeks after that he got a haircut. His longer curls were gone -- yet not forgotten -- and were replaced with a mop of messy waves that framed his face perfectly.

It was like a new blow to my stomach every time I got used to the change.

“New haircut?” I asked the obvious on the first day back from a long weekend.

“Yeah...thought I should change it up,” Spencer replied, picking up his coffee mug to make himself a cup.

I nodded, the room settling in a short silence.

“Do you not like it?”

“No!” I exclaimed, Spencer furrowing his brows in response. “I mean, yes. I do like it. Sorry.”

“Oh, okay,” he laughed. “Thank you.”

“You could pull off any hairstyle, trust me,” I said, before walking back to my desk.

People that we met seemed to feel the same, because he got stopped more often at bars and at shops that were needed to visit. People would give him their numbers, leaving him a blushing mess. It got obnoxious, to the point where I was at my breaking point. My shoulders were always slumped, and my forehead creased with jealousy.

I stayed closer to him when the team went out, in an effort to get other girls to stop making moves on him.

They hadn’t noticed his beauty before, why should they get the privilege to advance on him now?

It was selfish, really. It may have been good for his self-confidence, but not so good for my own feelings.

I made sure to compliment him more often, telling him I liked his sweater vests, and ‘oh my Doctor Reid, is that a new tie?’ It was a win-win really, for both of us. I was building up my comfort level with him, and he knew that I did not, in fact, despise him.

When Spencer got shot on a case a few weeks later, I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to show him that I care about him.

It was an easy job, since the bullet only semi-grazed his shoulder blade. Only needed deep cleaning once a night, for a few weeks so it wouldn’t get infected.

“Fuck,” he breathed with a groan, one that sent shivers throughout my veins.

“Sorry,” I answered quickly, keeping my gaze on the task at hand and not on his face that was just so close to mine.

Here I was in Spencer’s apartment, in his bathroom, helping him clean off his wound.

“I’m sorry but you need to stop moving, it’s just making things worse,” I explained.

“It hurts!”

“I’m sure it does! But I can’t do an effective job in cleaning it if you keep thrashing around like that.”

I saw him pout, and lower his head. The gears in his brain were turning, trying to come up with a possible solution.

“You’re going to need to hold me down.”

“What?!”

“I’m not gonna be able to stop moving,” he said, looking over his shoulder to where I was sitting behind him on the floor. “Come on.”

He stood up and left the room, gesturing for me to follow. And I did, collecting the supplies I’d need as he led me over to his living room.

Before I could protest he removed his shirt fully -- not like how it was bunched up by his neck previously.

I stopped in my tracks, eyes taking in every inch of skin that he freed. He was lean, as I predicted, but still toned in areas.

Spencer laid on his stomach down on the couch, motioning for me to come beside him.

“Get on my back.”

“Are you insane?”

“____,” he pleaded, looking up at me. His arms were crossed by his head, he was using them as a makeshift pillow. “I just want this to be over as fast as it can be.”

Right.

“Okay,” I agreed, and began to place my materials down on the coffee table to my right. I then swung a leg over his lower back, straddling him just how I’d imagine doing so before -- only the other way around. “Is this okay?”

He hummed, digging his face as far into the fabric of the couch as he could.

‘I got a lotta new tricks for you, baby

Just sayin' I'm flexible (I will)’

I took that as a yes, and poured some of the disinfectant onto a swab. Bracing myself with a hand on his other shoulder to pin him down firmly he shivered, breath shaking ever so slightly. I tried to catch him off guard with the swab, choosing a random time to press it into his wound.

He was definitely surprised, because he whined loudly into his hands and clenched all of the muscles in his back.

I couldn’t help but wonder if he made similar noises during other activities…

“Just a minute more,” I soothed him, running my free hand over the smooth skin of his back, doing my best to calm him down.

His breathing only became heavier, and was nearly shaking from the burn. I felt bad, having to see him go through this but I’d be lying if it wasn’t doing things to me. I couldn’t help but get a little bit excited when I got the chance to be near him, to be closer than we had ever been before.

It was intense, I was almost sure he could feel my arousal through the fabric of my pants and underwear.

I was an awful person.

Going home that night to sleep was a struggle. I felt guilty, for using his pain for my perverse temptations. Yet as soon as my fingers were buried inside myself I couldn’t stop myself from imagining him above me. The way he might sound, spewing out similar noises that I’d experienced earlier that were still fresh in my brain.

I wasn’t proud of it, and I thought every one of our interactions after that would be even harder.

Going back to work seemed fully impossible, I didn’t have any hope in myself to stay useful while he was parading around, completely oblivious to the effect he had on me. I became more sexually frustrated every day. It was nearly infuriating to see a look of innocence plastered on his face, meanwhile he would do things that made me go crazy.

‘Wanna know what it's like (like)

Baby, show me what it's like (like)

I don't really got no type (type)

I just wanna fuck all night’

“Penelope, I think I might die soon if I don’t get laid,” I said, rapidly opening the door to her cave.

“____-”

“No, I’m serious. I can’t get my mind off of-”

I stopped in my tracks, finally noticing the presence I hadn’t already accounted for.

Spencer sat in a chair to my left, just out of view that you couldn’t see him if you didn’t turn your head. He was in the middle of bringing a chip up to his mouth, but was stopped mid-air with his mouth hanging open.

“Sorry,” he said, scrambling up fast, bumping into things as he collected his satchel with shaky hands. “Sorry I’ll go.”

The door shut with a slam, and left Penelope and I in silence.

“Well, fuck,” I whispered, earning a booming laugh from her. “It’s not funny.”

“It is funny. It’s hilarious,” she giggled, doing a little spin on her chair.

I groaned, and sat down beside her on the edge of her desk.

“Maybe now he’ll make a move on you.”

“Oh shut up,” I slapped her arm, beginning to laugh along with her. “If he was avoiding me before, I’m sure he’ll never speak to me again.”

Ever since I helped Spencer with his injury the first time he’d been semi ignoring me, not trying to actively partake in conversation. We only talked when necessary, but didn’t exchange any extra words when I came over for an hour to help him with his wound.

I was almost happy about that, it meant I didn’t have to embarrassingly throw myself at him all day long.

I was perfectly fine admiring him from a distance, just how I’d done so for years.

However, there was a part of me that was rightfully sad. Did I cross a line, or make him feel uncomfortable? Maybe from spending so much time together recently he gathered I really wasn’t that interesting.

“Don’t say that,” Penelope frowned.

“Why not? It’s the truth,” I shrugged.

“Why don’t you just tell him how you feel?”

“How I feel?”

“Don’t even try and wedge your way out of it. Emily told me, don’t be mad,” she said, with the sweetest look on her face that I couldn’t be upset.

“Bitch,” I playfully mumbled.

“Besides you literally were about to say that you can’t get your mind off of him.”

“Uh, no, I was not. I was going to say someone. A general someone. Not Reid.”

She hummed, turning back to her screen to finish up some work Hotch had sent her to do.

“Okay fine. Pen, I’m gonna die. It’s insufferable. I can’t handle it anymore.”

“That’s exactly why you should tell him!” She encouraged excitedly, always a swooner for young love.

“I would scare him. He’s probably scared of me, actually.”

“Oh come on, I’m sure his little virgin heart can take it.”

“What?” I asked, suddenly giving her all my attention. “Virgin? Is he seriously a virgin?”

“I don’t know, truly. I just kinda figured. He doesn’t talk about anyone or anything to do with sex.”

I nodded. That makes sense. With him radiating pure sex appeal in my eyes, the thought never even crossed my mind that he might be a virgin.

But that just made it all the more exciting.

“But hey, if he’s really a 27 year old virgin I’m sure he’s extremely horny,” she laughed.

“We are at work. Let’s calm it down before I actually combust,” I shook my head.

My palms were sweating at the very thought of him doing anything remotely sexual -- which I thought about a lot. Surely he’s had to at least...taken care of himself. I’m sure it was a gorgeous sight, his hand wrapped firmly around his dick and face contorted in nothing but pleasure.

My thoughts were interrupted by none other than the man himself, who barged into the room to say we were taking off for a case in 30.

The flight there was quiet and boring, we left at night so there wasn’t so much we could do when we got there besides head up to our hotel.

“We’re sharing a room,” Spencer said, walking over to me from where he was previously with Derek.

I was standing in front of the vending machine, doing my very best to not eavesdrop on the mens’ conversation, which was only taking place about 20 feet away. Spencer was speaking in a hushed yet agitated tone, and Derek was matching his energy. It seemed they were bickering, but about what I didn’t know.

“Says who?” I panicked.

“Uhh...Hotch did.”

Great.

“Oh. Alright,” I followed him down the hallway, our room was the last one at the end.

I waited for him to open the door, and when he stepped out of the way to let me inside I brushed past him.

When I turned around Spencer was standing there blocking my path, causing me to bump into his chest.

“Hello...” I said confused, taking a step back.

“I…”

“What?” I asked, furrowing my eyebrows. “Spencer what are you doing?”

He didn’t answer with words, instead reaching up to push a piece of hair out of my face. My breath hitched at the contact, sending me into a short frenzy on the inside. He was inching closer, now his body was getting just close enough so that I could feel the heat radiating off of him. He was glancing back and forth between my eyes, searching my face for an expression of discomfort.

He didn’t find any.

“I was talking with Derek. About you,” he whispered. “He said you’ve been coming on to me.”

My heart nearly missed a beat at his words.

“I've noticed your odd behaviour, you don’t act the way you do with anyone else on the team. You run away from me, and at first I thought you just didn’t like me, but now...I think it’s the opposite. I see the way you look at me, you know.”

“And how do I look at you?” I questioned nervously.

“Like you want me. Tell me. Who were you talking about earlier today? Who exactly can’t get your mind off of?”

I paused, eyes almost bulging out of my head at the implication.

“If I'm reading this wrong, let me know. We can pretend this never happened.”

“Get on the bed and take your clothes off.”

He did just that, moving beside me to shove his pants down his legs, followed by ripping off his shirt, as I did the same. We couldn’t take our eyes off of each other, too busy drinking in our appearances to think straight. He sat down on the edge of the bed in just his underwear, and spread his legs just wide enough to give me space to stand between them.

“Tell me what you want.” he breathed, watching me as I walked towards him.

“You,” I answered simply, climbing into his lap and connecting my mouth was his. “All of you.”

He didn’t protest, only doing quite the opposite. He moaned greedily into my mouth, sucking every last bit of life out of me. He was hungry in his movements, not allowing for a single beat of fresh air for either of us. I was more than happy to return the energy, for I’ve dreamt for too long about what he might taste like. And it wasn’t disappointing, the sensation was far better than I could have ever cooked up in my head.

After a minute he became impatient, and started bucking his hips up to meet mine. I did the same, grinding down on his hardening dick that felt...impressive to say the least.

“I’ve thought about you for so long,” I spoke against his lips, taking a break between kisses.

He groaned back at me, moving his hands from my cheeks down to my hips to hold me flush against himself. He whimpered when I was fully against him, he had to break away to keep his breathing somewhat managed.

“Please, I need you so bad. I’ve thought about you too.”

“What exactly did you think about?” I asked quietly, trailing kisses all across his face, and then started heading down his jaw and neck.

“L-lots of stuff.”

“Tell me,” I demanded, looking up at him from my new position kneeling on the floor. “Please, tell me.”

I brought a hand up to his boxers, ghosting just over his bulge while remaining eye contact.

“Everything. All of you. ____, Please.”

‘You're exciting, boy, come find me

Your eyes told me, "Girl, come ride me"’

“Let me do something first,” I said, pushing against his stomach to encourage him to lie back on the bed. He did so, propping himself up on his forearms to look down at me.

He watched my every move, not a second was missed by his eyes that stayed locked onto my form. I dropped my head down to kiss across his left thigh, and toyed with the waistband of his underwear with my right hand.

He was so vocal, and I hadn’t even done anything yet. I knew we had all night, but I’d waited too long for this to take my time.

‘And we got a lotta time (time)

Baby, come throw the pipe (pipe)’

I pulled his underwear down just enough to reveal his dick hard and red as it stood up against his stomach.

“You don’t...have to,” Spencer stopped me before I could carry on.

“Do you not want me to?”

“It’s not that.”

“Then what is it?”

“It’s just…” He stopped, and bit his lip while staring off to one of the walls.

“Has anyone ever done this with you before?” I asked, almost unsure of whether or not I wanted the answer.

“Done what...exactly?” he asked, refusing to look back at me. His cheeks were red in embarrassment, and he was too focused on the distance to see the wave of excitement that flashed over my face.

“Spencer,” I said sharply, prompting him to turn his attention back to me. “Are you a virgin?”

His lack of answer told me enough. He blushed impossibly deeper, and started squirming in place. Just as he was about to speak up for himself I stopped him with, “That’s so fucking hot.”

“What?”

I climbed back up his body, just far enough so that I could grab his jaw in my hand and pull him down to meet my lips. It was even more hungry and passionate than the previous ones we shared, full of such fire I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to kiss anyone else ever again.

“You’re so sexy,” I moaned, hot and needy into his mouth.

He was good, which wasn’t unexpected from my end. His lips were always so plump and pink, they just had to be semi skilled.

“Thank you,” he replied, in a typical Spencer Reid fashion.

“Do you want to stop? Or keep going? Take a minute and think about it. I don’t want to pressure you,” I reassured him, but on the inside I was begging for him to want to continue.

He pulled back for a second, running a hand over the back of my head to keep me from going too far. His eyes were closed, focusing only on his breathing as he thought about his answer.

“I want to keep going. Please,” he decided on, nodding his head. “I just, I dunno, didn’t expect to get this far tonight.”

“Believe me, neither did I,” I smirked, smashing my lips back against his and returning to my spot kneeling between his legs. I pushed him back harder than before, sending a small oof sound from his chest as his back hit the mattress.

“Has anyone ever touched you here?” I asked, finally wrapping my hand around his dick,

It only made sense that a pretty boy like him would have a pretty cock, too.

“O-only once,” he breathed, with his head thrown back. He was staring at the ceiling, staring at the dots to distract himself from the feeling and to not come too soon. “Long time ago.”

“If you need me to stop, tell me,” I said, before licking a broad strip up the underside of his dick.

I paused at the head, swirling my tongue around before continuing my mission back down around the other side. I kissed his base, leaving more near his hips. He whined positively -- probably feeling a little ticklish -- and I took that as a good sign to suck a deep purple mark there.

Just like I’d thought about doing months ago.

I left a few more just up to his belly button, marking him up with the intent to claim him as my own. He’d see those marks for the next few days, and every time he would think of me on my knees for him. I kept pumping him in my hand as I did so, and every time I groaned into his skin his dick twitched with appreciation.

“Oh god,” Spencer moaned as I took him into my mouth unexpectedly, bunching up the sheets in his hands beside his hips.

I looked up to see him now staring down at me, jaw slacked and panting heavily. The sight was enough to elicit a moan from my own mouth, which led to him fluttering his eyes shut at the vibrations that shot through his body.

“Stop, stop!”

“What’s wrong?” I asked worriedly, immediately pulling up.

“Nothing, I just really want to feel you and I don’t think I can last much longer.”

Understandable.

I wasn’t expecting him to last long anyways, I just simply wanted him inside me.

“Do you happen to have a condom?” He shook his head. “I’m clean and on the pill. We should be fine. Is that okay?”

He mumbled an ‘uh huh’ as he watched me stand up, as I pushed my underwear down my legs. He immediately reached out to me, bringing me back in and starting placing kisses across my stomach and hips, mirroring what I was doing to him earlier.

“Good, because if you don’t fuck me right now I think I might die.”

‘Yeah-yeah, oh-whoa-whoa (oh, ooh, mmm)

Baby, I need to know, mmm (yeah, need to know)’

He laughed lightheartedly, fixing himself to be sitting up near the headboard. In the process he kicked off his boxers fully, along with his socks.

I followed after him, not letting him stray too far from my reach.

“I heard that women take longer to, erm, get ready,” he muttered into my skin, hiding his face in my neck. “Let me help you?”

“Please,” I whimpered, though I knew I was far from unprepared. I reached behind myself to unclasp my bra, and as soon as it fell down my shoulders Spencer attached his mouth to my left nipple. “Please touch me.”

He moaned into me, bringing his hand down to my core to run his fingers through my folds. He let his middle breach me, moving so agonizingly slow before curling his finger up. I moaned loudly, letting my eyes shut and body fall slack against him. His free arm wrapped around my waist, giving me the support I needed to stay upright.

“So that’s your g-spot?” He grinned against my skin, and I’d be damned to admit it affected me way more than it should have. He sounded so innocent, so eager to learn.

“Uh-huh.”

He explored my skin greedily, brushing over every inch of my chest he could reach. His thrusts became faster every time he re-entered me, encouraged by the grunt that fell from my lips with each one.

“Have you ever done this with a girl before?”

“No,” he replied, moving from my breasts to my collarbone, leaving a dark purple mark in his path.

“Could've fooled me,” I felt him smile against my neck at the praise -- duly noted.

He flipped us over swiftly -- much to my surprise -- and continued with his actions on both my clit and entrance. I did my best to stay quiet, biting down on his shoulder to prevent any noises from leaking out to stop him from getting too cocky.

“Spencer,” I moaned, raking my fingernails up and down his back. “Stop. Please fuck me now, I’m ready.”

“Are you sure you want to? We can stop,” he reassured me in a voice that seemed far too innocent for the activities taking place.

“Spencer, I’m sure. I’m so fucking sure you have no idea.”

I was so turned on I could cry, the pure want running through my veins was starting to send panic signals throughout my whole body. Before I could beg him any further he replaced his fingers with his dick, catching me off guard. He ran the tip over me for a few seconds before gliding in easily, with little to no restriction at all.

“Ah!” I called, gripping onto his shoulder for dear life.

“I’m so sorry, oh my god did I hurt you?” Spencer asked frantically, removing his weight from me and tried sitting up.

“No. God please move, I need you so bad,” I pleaded, pulling him back down before he could get too far away.

He nodded. He started slow. So slowly that I wanted to scream and beg at the top of my lungs for more. However I was above giving him the satisfaction of that -- at least for now.

“You feel so good,” Spencer panted, hips shaking as he slid in and out at a torturous pace.

I pulled his lips back to mine for another kiss, drinking in everything he was willing to offer. I whined every time his body rubbed against my clit in a way that had my toes curling and eyes rolling back.

“This is so much better than I’ve imagined,” I moaned, breaking free from his mouth to lay back against the pillows. I wrapped my legs around his waist, aiding him with the speed of his thrusts. “Please, Spence, oh my god go harder.”

He moaned loudly, and lowered his head to my collarbone in an effort to muffle some of the noises he was letting out.

He followed my directions well -- and I took notes for the future.

The sounds of him bouncing off the walls was amplifying my pleasure to a new degree, it was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. His hips snapped forward impossibly faster, leaving him a whimpering mess above me. Our chests were pressed together, the sound of skin slapping and gliding over each other filled the dimly lit room.

“You’re doing so good for me,” I whispered into his neck, leaving open mouthed kisses here and there.

He moaned freely at all of the praise, and every time I urged him on he’d pick up his speed a little bit. He was now moving faster than I thought I could handle, slamming into me at the perfect angle.

I felt him everywhere. In my stomach, insides of my thighs, chest -- where he was now palming at one of my breasts -- and the crook of my neck. I hugged my arms around his middle to keep him locked against me, preventing his hips from heavily backing out.

“I’m really close,” He groaned, lifting his head to meet my eyes. “S-should I pull out now?”

“No,” I demanded, tightening my legs to keep him trapped. “Come inside me.”

He nodded with a particularly loud moan, and snaked one hand down my body to meet my clit. When I gave a sound of approval he quickened his wrist, rubbing me with just the right amount of pressure to send me closer to the edge.

He came with a final shout in my name, resting his full body weight against me as I rocked my him against him to help him through it. I finished soon after, at the feeling of him releasing himself in me. It was so warm, like a comforting blanket that overtook all of my senses.

It was possibly the best orgasm I’d ever had, it was so profound that I couldn’t see, or focus on anything else.

We laid there for a few minutes, my hand running through his hair and his ghosting up the side of my hip. It took a while for us both to catch our breaths, we were too immersed in the moment to break apart from one another.

“That was literally the best sex I’ve had in my life,” I breathed, staring up at the ceiling.

“Same, but I don’t have anything to compare it to,” Spencer replied, and we both laughed weakly.

“That was okay for you? Your first time? Not really the traditional approach.”

“It was perfect. I wouldn’t have asked for anything different,” he pulled himself up with a smile, before pulling out and flopping down beside me.

“But seriously,” I sat up, resting my head on my palm to get a better view of him. “I’ve never been so attracted to someone as I am with you.”

“____,” he blushed. “I-”

“No! No, let me finish. Please.”

He nodded for me to go ahead.

“Not only are you just insanely sweet and so charming, you’re so handsome. Like I can hardly even look at you half the time. You drive me insane, Spencer you have no idea. Holy fuck I’ve never wanted someone so bad before I met you. You’re intoxicating. I can’t get enough. I’ll cringe about this later but I just need you to know.”

“This may not be the most common way...but do you want to go out with me? L-like on a date?” Spencer asked. He was blushing so heavily, his chest was painted pink and ears were turned red.

“You just came inside of me and you’re nervous about asking me on a date.”

“____!” Spencer exclaimed, facepalming himself.

“Yes,” I grinned. “I’d love to go out with you.”

-----

Please tell me your thoughts on this chapter here! You can also send me an ask to be added to/removed from the taglist.

permanent taglist; @pervhotch @spenxerslut @donald4spiderman @measure-in-pain @thatonezesty13 (check your visibility settings!) @jswessie187 @kuolonsyoja @idonotexiste

[sunfish-studies]

Let The Games Begin!

✄・・・ Feathery Ink [Karasuno Manager Series]

➜ Pairing: Karasuno x Manager! Reader

➜ Warning: none

➜ Notes: This is a separate series from Crisp Leaves. Similar to Crisp Leaves, manager in this story will be portrayed as a girl. She will be tall. This is just my appreciation towards tall girls, you guys are amazing.

Previous:   ‹ Celebration › | Next:  ‹ A Simple and Pure Strength ›

↷ SUMMARY ↶

Preliminaries for Interhigh in Miyagi commenced today and Karasuno vowed to blast through and win them all.

“I’m sorry that you have to cheer from above, Hitoka-chan, [Name]-chan,” Shimizu apologized in advance because while she could watch the game on the bench, the two of you could only watch them quite far away. It couldn’t be helped, only one manager was allowed to be on the bench during the game.

“It’s alright, Kiyoko-senpai,” you replied with determination. “In fact, leave the cheering to us! Right, Hitoka-chan?”

“That’s right!” Yachi nodded in agreement.

“Then, we’re counting on you two.” Shimizu smiled at both of your eagerness. While Shimizu called you by your given name, you decided to ask her if it’s okay to call her also by her given name–she instantly agreed, seemed extremely happy even. Since then, you started calling her by her given name still with a suffix.

“H-Hinata, are you okay?” Yachi asked in worry because the said orange-haired boy was holding his stomach and trembling.

“Do you still feel sick?” you also questioned, immediately kneeling and rummaging through your back for medicine. Which made you aware of another trembling figure sitting on the ground. “Y-Yamaguchi-kun, are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Hinata replied. “I threw up on the way here, so I feel better.”

“Of course you’d feel sick after eating all those katsudon for breakfast.” Tsukishima snickered.

“It’s normal to eat katsudon on game days!” Hinata defended himself.

“And by ‘normal’, you mean…” Tsukishima deadpanned.

“You dumbass! Hinata, you stupid dumbass!” as if adding more salt to the wound, Kageyama was there to yell at him–making you almost burst out laughing from the limited insult he had in his vocabulary.

“I-I feel like I’m going to puke too, after remembering Hinata puking…” Yamaguchi pressed a hand upon his mouth, speaking in a very low voice which you almost missed. Both you and Tsukishima immediately snapped your head to face him.

“Huh?” Tsukishima replied in disbelief. “Go to bathroom, already!”

“H-Here’s a plastic bag you could use!” you yelped thrusting the item into his palm. “There’s also a medicine if you want! Don’t hold it, Yamaguchi-kun!”

“I thought you were busy concentrating but you were actually trying not to puke!?” you could hear Sugawara exclaimed and now you could confirm that Azumane was somehow in a similar state as Yamaguchi.

“Do you need medicine, senpai?” you’re instantly kneeling on his side with yet another plastic bag (just for caution), a bottle of warm water, and a small package of medicine. “I also have warm water you could drink!”

“T-thanks, [Name]-chan,” Azumane whispered. “You’re a life-saver.”

Even before the game, your team was in shambles.

.

.

Your first game would be against Ohgi Minami High School–you made sure to keep in track of the games and read the whole pamphlet to know about the teams who could be your opponents in the future. The warm-ups were smooth until it was time for the game–the first official game of Karasuno.

“The spring tournament… Karasuno’s battle is about to start…!” You could hear Yachi muttered from right beside you–upon the wall, hung the pure black banner for the team. Just like her, the nerves were getting into you the moment all of them assembled to hear a little bit of advice from Coach Ukai and encouraging speech from Takeda-sensei.

“Oh, so you watch the game too, Ukai-sensei?” the older man beside you questioned, both of you looked to the side and you instantly recognized older man who helped Hinata nailing his control.

“Yeah.”

“Good morning,” you greeted, bowing down which Yachi hastily copied.

“Oh, so you’re the manager,” Coach Ukai also recognized you and didn’t think twice to reply. Although he looked extremely strict (and he does on the court that is), but he’s not an entirely stiff person. And from his history, you put an absolute respect for him.

“Ukai? Grandson?” Yachi tilted her head in confusion.

“He’s the former Coach Ukai,” you explained. “He’s the famous coach who brought Karasuno to nationals and also the current Coach Ukai’s grandfather. The Little Giant was in his team.”

“Hee!?” Yachi yelped.

“[Name]-nee-chan!”

“Yuu-chan! You’re here to watch, too?” Ogasawara Yuu was the little kid who’s watching Hinata and Kageyama practice the day before and before you knew it, the two of you became friends. He didn’t hesitate to ask you questions and you found yourself enjoyed in indulging his curiosity.

“Yeah! Nee-chan, you’re from Karasuno, too, right? What are you doing up here?”

“T-There’s only one manager allowed on the bench. You didn’t know that?” Yachi argued.

“That’s why I’m here too,” you added, pointing to yourself.

“Ooh.”

The game itself was a sight to see–everyone’s moves were full with confidence, they had a full control of their decisions and movements. For example, your captain was waiting for the opponent to do the feint and managed to received it cleanly.

“S-so fast! It’s like he was waiting for it!” Yachi commented.

“It’s because they have been practicing with powerhouse schools with different kinds of power in serves and spikes. The diversity of their opponents from the training and their defenses and high level of it, the team is already used to it.” You pointed out, which made your friend gasped in awe.

As the game continued, you were immersed with the thrill of it. Kageyama successfully pulled off another service ace. Yachi was bouncing giddily from it.

“Nice serve, Kageyama-kun!” you called out. He turned to glance at you and gave you a fist.

“Another service ace!” Yachi cheered.

“Now we’re on set point,” You added, looking at the score board.  

The match was going on smoothly for Karasuno, sure there was a little bump but that’s because you felt Ohgi Minami didn’t really give it their all after knowing they would lose–sometimes, people who witnessed someone who’s more skilled than them felt a tug of helplessness. However, not doing your best isn’t acceptable.

Thankfully, they seemed to change and blasted through after their former captain pulled up a speech. Even though they still loss, you knew it would make them even stronger. The frustration would linger and push them into working hard to win.

That’s that and now, you didn’t even have a chance to bask in your victory because another threat was looming.

You peeked over Kageyama’s shoulder, your own shoulder trembled slightly–you didn’t even need to look to know how Hinata and Yachi were both terrified out of their wits from the sight. While waiting for the results, your team watched the on-going match and at the same time witnessing something downright terrifying.

Kakugawa’s #9 basically pushed the ball over the block with ease and it almost send you into an early cardiac arrest. Hinata and Yachi squeaked in fright.

“That’s creepy!” Tanaka commented, words muffled from how he munched on a banana.

“It’s a weapon…” Azumane muttered in disbelief. “His height is a weapon…”

“I think I’m the one who needs the medicine now,” you whispered, feeling your heart threatened to jump out from your throat.

“It’s just height,” Kageyama said, peeling on a banana.

“It’s almost astronomical on how you’re still calm after watching that,” you sighed.

“I guess we know who we’re playing next,” He then continued, chewing on his food. After the match was over, the team had slight break and decided to study the charts. Your next opponent would be Kakugawa High School, who has an absurdly tall member who messes with your depth of perception.

Yachi squeaked in fright when the said tall member walked pass by–clearly towering over everyone with his two meters height.

“T-two meters is super huge,” Hinata stuttered, shoulders trembling.

“201 centimeters and 162 centimeters, huh…” Yamaguchi muttered, looking at the orange-haired boy.

“I’m 163 if you round it up-!” Hinata argued.

“201 centimeters and 162 centimeters, there’s a 40 centimeters difference.” Tsukishima cut him off.

“Listen!”

“F-forty centimeters is the same size as Ketty-chan,” Yachi tried to cheer him up. “It’s not that big.”

“Is that an attempt to cheer him up?” Tsukishima commented.

“It sure is.” You confirmed, smiling nervously.

“Tekachu is also 40 centimeters,” Yamaguchi added.

“So is a Fujikujira,” Tsukishima followed, which made all of you confused.

“F-Fujikujira?” you questioned. “What’s that?”

“It’s a kind of shark.”

“You’re smart, Tsukki!” Yamaguchi praised.

Hinata sluggishly walked–face pale and filled with resignation. “I…want to combine with that shark… If I combined with a Fujikujira, I’d be two meters tall…”

“Hey, what are you talking about?” Kageyama was thoroughly confused with his antics. He rose an eyebrow. “Are you really scared?”

It made Yachi worried but Shimizu was quick to reassure her that it would be fine, half of it was directed to you too. You tried your best not to worry–he sure has height, but Karasuno had strategies. Everything should be alright.

[sukisdeliveryservice]

hello!! could i kindly request for a student campus crush! wonwoo hehe and you’re best friends and have unrequited feelings but u dont know if he feels the same so over a sleepover u tried confessing and you can continue from there hehe -🐼

let me hear you say | j. ww

✎ pairing: best friend!wonwoo x female reader

✎ genre: collegel!au, friends to lovers!au, mostly fluff

✎ warnings: none!

✎ wc: 2.40 k words

✎ notes: hi 🐼 anon! i got a little carried away with this one because soft, cuddly wonwoo makes my stomach do flips but i hope you like it! i'm not sure how i feel about my portrayal of yn here because i wanted them to be really supportive of wonwoo but kind of having a hard time because of their feelings towards him. i hope i was able to express that without portraying them as kind of eh :/

“Don’t you ever get tired?” You take a quick glance at your best friend as he folds up another piece of paper with a phone number written on it.

“Of what?”

“Of everyone in this school falling head over heels for you,” You say like it’s the most obvious thing in the world, proceeding to look back down at your notes. In reality, you were trying to prevent yourself from looking at the cute (albeit, confused) way your best friend was staring at you over your abrupt question.

“Well I can’t say I’m not flattered, but there aren’t really that many people yn,”

A total lie, you think to yourself. Every time you two walked around campus, your best friend attracted the adoring stares of all your classmates like some hotshot celebrity. Yes, he was popular, and yes, he totally deserved it, but if everyone knew how dorky he was, maybe they wouldn’t be so quick to hand him their number after a single conversation.

Another lie, if everyone knew what a nerd Jeon Wonwoo actually was, they’d probably fall for him harder. You would know of course, first hand experience taught you a lot of things.

It taught you how endearing it was when Wonwoo wore oversized clothing, so that he could pull the sleeves over his palms when sipping on a hot drink at the local campus cafe. It made you realize his habit of pushing his glasses up his nose, because he was too stubborn to get the bridge adjusted. It made your insides melt whenever he was nervous because he had a habit of fiddling with his fingers. You were certain that if anyone was completely head over heels and absolutely smitten by him, it was definitely you.

“Not many people my ass,” you scoffed, “you spoke to her once, just once! And now you are holding her number.” Wonwoo laughs at your poor attempt at hiding your annoyance, “For your information, we were talking about a group project, and exchanging contact information. Nothing more, and nothing less.”

You gave a little huff before going back to pretend-studying, you definitely couldn’t focus when he was sitting right across from you. You knew you were more prone to jumping to conclusions nowadays, and you hoped that Wonwoo didn’t notice your shift in behaviour. In reality, you couldn’t help but feel a little pang of worry whenever your best friend was asked out on another date. And while he rejected the offer every time, you worried that one day he might say yes and you could lose him forever.

Not that you were against Wonwoo falling in love someday. If he found a good person that he wanted to be with for the rest of his life, you would support him in a heartbeat. It was just the selfish feeling that blossomed in your chest that prevented you from feeling any true happiness for these kinds of situations, and you hated it.

You knew that he would never abandon you completely, because Wonwoo was the best friend you could ever ask for. But you also knew that it would kill you inside to see him sweep someone else off their feet.

You’ve known Wonwoo since high school, and you definitely harboured a puppy crush on him all of first year. This was back when he was still trading pokemon cards in the gym stairwell and poking at you to buy him something from the milk vending machine. The crush went away eventually and you found yourself enjoying the rest of your high school career with your closest confidant by your side.

Once you both entered university, Wonwoo had a sudden growth spurt that now put him a total head taller than you. He no longer lurked at the stairwells during lunch and instead made lots of new friends that he went out for coffee with. He started dressing nicer, and once he exchanged his old glasses for a pair of round silver ones that rested on his nose so perfectly, he instantly transformed into someone straight out of a kdrama.

Now, you have caught feelings again. And you’re scared to admit that this time a puppy crush doesn’t even encapsulate everything you’ve been feeling lately. Of course Wonwoo’s sudden change in appearance didn’t spark anything new in your feelings towards him. It was the fact that he had a new air around him that was just completely different.

Wonwoo in high school was shy, and you loved him for who he was. You two had your own small circle of friends and you would spend all your time reading or playing games in his bedroom. Wonwoo in college however, was breaking out of his shell and being the first to approach people and make new friends. He was still introverted of course, shyness and introvertedness were two different things after all. But you were proud to see Wonwoo take the initiative to make plans more often and reach out.

Wonwoo has also gotten a lot more comfortable around you. He’s grown fond of resting his head on your shoulder after a long day of classes, and wrapping you in his sweaters whenever you came by his flat. In conclusion, everything about university student Wonwoo, was driving you, (and probably the entire campus) crazy.

“Hello? yn? Don’t you have a class soon?”

You swat away the hand that was waving in front of your face to meet the eyes of the cause of all your heart troubles. One smile from Wonwoo and you were in shambles. You had it really, really bad. “Right, right, sorry I was just...distracted.”

“We’re still on for tonight right? You can just head straight to my dorm after your last class.”

“Of course Won, did you really think I was going to miss out on another rewatch of Extraordinary You?”

“Of course not,” Wonwoo chuckled. You were met with another one of those soft gazes from him, and you immediately tried to break your stare. Something in your heart tells you that you should just confess right now, and that Wonwoo was a sensible individual who wouldn’t let go of your friendship if he didn’t feel the same way.

“Hey Won, can I tell you something after class later?”

“Of course.” There was that smile again. If you weren’t so busy trying to slow your heart rate down, you would have caught the way his eyes brightened at hearing your question, and the way he looked down to twindle with his fingers.

You give Wonwoo your own smile before heading off to your last detour of the day.

Sleepovers with Wonwoo always consisted of a mountain of blankets, a never ending pile of snacks and a show to watch before eventually both of you fell asleep. When you arrived at his flat just as he was adding the finishing touches to a home cooked dinner, you realized that sleepovers with Wonwoo also consisted of another thing: Your tragic inability to keep your heart rate down.

“Dinner will be ready in a bit, you can just wash up and get changed for now,” Wonwoo turns to greet you before adding some pepper to the tteokbokki.

You nod and head over to his bathroom, where you already find your change of clothes resting on the counter. Any outsider would have been under the impression that you and Wonwoo lived together, considering that pieces of you were scattered all over his apartment. From the matching toothbrushes that were kept by the sink, to the drawer reserved only for your clothes in his bedroom.

The only reason that you and Wonwoo didn’t room together upon entering university, was the fact that your parents were wary of you rooming with a boy you weren’t even dating. Not that it mattered now, considering that you at least spent two nights at his place away from your own dorm.

After you showered and changed into your pajamas, you realized that Wonwoo had given you one of his sweaters to wear, instead of the usual shirts you slept in. Usually you would have raided his bedroom after dinner to steal one (you slept much better when you wore his clothing) but this time it appeared that he had taken the initiative for you.

Once you stepped out of the bathroom, you saw that Wonwoo was already sitting at the dining table and was on his phone. It looked like he was texting someone, and you felt your heart sink a little when he laughed at a message. No, you are not going to be jealous. You are going to be happy for your friend because he deserves all the happiness in the world.

“Is that the girl from your group project?” You sat down across from him and started piling the tteokbokki and rice onto your plate. “Yeah, she said that the professor just sent out a mass email to our class, saying that we were going to be given an extension. Turns out that email was meant for another course, but everyone is already celebrating the new deadline.”

Wonwoo shuts off his phone and turns to you, “Was there something you wanted to tell me today?”

Right. You were going to confess your feelings. It was now or never, and you weren’t sure if you could hold it in much longer. “I can just tell you after dinner, I’m starving.”

Tragic. Tragic. Tragic. Why couldn’t you just say the words, “Hey Won, I have feelings for you, do you feel the same way?” Must you be in a spiraling paradox of questioning the presence of unrequited love in the relationship you had with your best friend? Yes, most definitely yes. Since the world likes to make everything difficult for those in love.

Dinner was eaten in a comfortable silence for the most part. You liked that you never felt the need to fill the air with more conversation whenever you were with Wonwoo. There were days where you would just sit in each other’s presence and do your own thing, and those days left you with lots of time to ponder on your feelings for him. Tonight was the night that you were going to say these feelings aloud for the first time...you just needed a bit more time to procrastinate.

After you both finished your food, you relocated yourselves to the couch. You fidgeted with the end of your (his) sweater while Wonwoo searched for the show on Netflix. You figured that you would let him know in the morning, since there was a chance that you two would fall asleep before the episode ended. And you didn’t want to confess beforehand either, in fear of having to endure a brutal one hour of awkward tension if he didn’t feel the same way.

“Who would have thought that out of all the days the wifi could have chosen to bail on us, they chose the day where we were going to find out whether Haru belonged to Dan-oh’s story or not,” Wonwoo fiddles with the remote some more, while you panic in silence at the thought of spending the night with no distractions from your feelings.

“It’s not like we don’t already know how it ends,” You take deep quiet breaths to calm yourself down, you can definitely make it through the night, “We can just do other things.”

“What do you have in mind?”

You couldn’t answer him right away. The only thing you had on your mind was the fact that Wonwoo’s hand was now resting on your knee and that it was baffling how good he could look in pajamas. Wonwoo, sensing your inability to form words nervously glanced up at you before moving the conversation in a different direction, “Look, I know you had something to tell me today yn, but I realized that I wanted to share something with you too. I am in love-”

“I am in love with you Jeon Wonwoo!”

There. You blurted out a long-awaited confession before the anticipation consumed you whole. You couldn’t tear your eyes away from your hands in fear of seeing the look on Wonwoo’s face.

“Let me hear you say it again.”

“What?” You turn to Wonwoo, who no longer looked nervous. Instead, he wore the biggest shit-eating grin on his face that made you want to both kiss and strangle him. “Say it again.”

“Not when you look like you just won the lottery you nerd, you didn’t even say-”

“I am in love with you too yn.”

Well, you were never one to complain about the fact that your feelings were returned. But the way Wonwoo was cooing at your adorable expression of shock only made you want to shove him off the couch.

Which you proceeded to do.

“Hey! Aren’t you happy that I like you too?”

“Of course I’m happy! You didn’t have to try to beat me to my confession though, tonight was going to be my night!”

“You didn’t seem like you were going to say anything for the rest of the evening! You were going to wait until the next day weren’t you?”

Absolutely yes. “No!”

Any remaining tension in the atmosphere washed away as you and Wonwoo made fun of each other on the living room floor. You were beyond relieved and a little giddy that your best friend in the whole wide world saw you in the way that you saw him.

“But on a more serious note Won, were you also going to confess tonight too?”

“Actually no, but once you came out of the washroom wearing my sweater, I just had to say it before I tackled you with cuddles or something.”

“You gave me your sweater instead of my clothes to wear!”

“I know!” Wonwoo was holding your hand now and rubbing circles into your palm. The idea of cuddling the entire night didn’t sound so bad. “But you looked all nervous and shy and I was hoping that you were going to be the one to say something first.”

“Can we just agree that we confessed at the same time?” As the adrenaline from the confession began to slip away you suddenly became very tired, and you were hoping to just spend the night in the arms of your favourite person.

“Deal. So can we cuddle now?”

[chainofclovers]

Ted Lasso 2x11 thoughts

For an episode that ends with a journalist Ted trusts but has (understandably) recently lied to warning Ted that he’s publishing an article about his panic attacks, it was fitting that this episode seemed entirely about what all of these characters choose to tell each other. And after most of a season of television that Jason Sudeikis has described as the season in which the characters go into their little caves to deal with things on their own, it turns out they are finally able to tell each other quite a lot.

Which is good because, um, wow, a lot is going to happen in the season finale of this show!

Thoughts on the things people tell each other behind the cut!

Roy and Keeley. I absolutely loved the moment during their photoshoot in which they bring up a lot of complicated emotional things and are clearly gutted (“gutted”? Who am I? A GBBO contestant who forgot to turn the oven on?) by what they’ve heard. We already know that Keeley and Roy are great at the kinds of moments they have before the shoot begins, in which Roy builds Keeley up and tells her she’s fucking amazing. From nearly the beginning of their relationship, they’ve supported each other and been each other’s biggest fans. But their relationship has gone on long enough that they’ve progressed from tentative arguments about space and individual needs into really needing to figure out what they mean to each other and how big their feelings are and what that means in relation to everything else. Watching these two confess about the uncomfortable kiss with Nate, the unexpectedly long conversation with Phoebe’s teacher, and—most painfully—the revelation that Jamie still loves Keeley didn’t feel like watching two people who are about to break up. (Although I could see them potentially needing space from each other to get clarity.) It felt like watching two people realize just how much they’d lose if they lost each other, which is an understandably scary feeling even—or especially—when you’re deeply in love but not entirely sure what the future holds. Not entirely sure what you’re capable of when you’ve never felt serious about someone in quite this way, and are realizing you have to take intentional actions to choose that relationship every single day. I’m excited to learn whether Roy and Keeley decide they need to solidify their relationship more (not necessarily an engagement, but maybe moving in together or making sure they’re both comfortable referring to the other as partner and telling people they’re in a committed relationship) or if things go in a different direction for a while.

Sharon and Ted. I’ve had this feeling of “Wow, Ted is going to feel so intense about how honest he’s been with Sharon and is going to end up getting really attached and transfer a lot of emotions onto the connection they have and that is stressful no matter how beneficial it has been for him to finally get therapy!” for a while now. And Sharon’s departure really brought that out and it was indeed stressful. But the amount of growth that’s happened for both of these characters is really stunningly and beautifully conveyed in this episode. Ted is genuinely angry she left without saying goodbye, and he doesn’t bury it some place deep inside him where it will fester for the next thirty years. He expresses his anger. (I also noticed he sweared—mildly—in front of her again, which is really a big tell for how much he has let his carefully-constructed persona relax around her.) He reads her letter even though he said he wasn’t going to, and he’s moved. I don’t think Ted has the words for his connection to Sharon beyond “we had a breakthrough,” but Sharon gets it, and is able to firmly assert a professional boundary by articulating her side of that breakthrough as an experience that has made her a better therapist. And is still able to offer Ted a different kind of closure by suggesting they go out before her train leaves. No matter how you feel about a patient/football manager seeing their therapist/team psychologist colleague socially, I appreciated this story because IMO it didn’t cross big lines but instead was about one final moment in this arc in which both Ted and Sharon saw each other clearly and modeled what it is to give someone what they need and to expect honesty and communication from them. I liked that Ted ends up being the one saying goodbye. (The mustache in the exclamation points!) I like that whether or not Sharon returns in any capacity (Sarah Niles is so wonderful that I hope she does, but I’m not sure), the goodbye these characters forge for themselves here is neither abandonment nor a new, more complicated invitation. It’s the end of a meaningful era, and although the work of healing is the work of a lifetime, it’s very beautiful to have this milestone.

Ted and Rebecca. So, maybe it’s just me, but it kinda feels like these two have a few li’l life things to catch up on?! (HAHHHHHaSdafgsdasdf!) I really adored their interactions in this episode. I maintain that Biscuits With The Boss has been happening this whole time (even when Ted’s apartment was in shambles, there’s biscuit evidence, and I feel like we’ve been seeing the biscuit boxes in Rebecca’s office pretty regularly too), even if it might have been more of a drive-by biscuit drop-off/feelings avoidance ritual. It was really lovely to see Ted on more even footing in Rebecca’s office, joking around until she tells him to shut up, just like the old days. And GOSH—for their 1x9 interaction in Ted’s office to be paralleled in this episode and for Ted to explicitly make note of the parallel in a way Rebecca hears and sees and understands?! MY HEART. In both of Rebecca’s confessions, she is not bringing good news but it is good and meaningful that she chooses to share with Ted. In both situations, Ted takes the moment in stride and offers acceptance equivalent to the gravity of what she has to confess. And in both situations, he’s not some kind of otherworldly saint, able to accept Rebecca no matter what because he’s unaffected by what she shares. He is affected. When he tells her about Sam, you can see a variety of emotions on his face. Rebecca is upset and Ted is calm, and even if I might have liked for him to try to talk about the risk the affair poses to the power dynamics on the team or any number of factors, I also really liked that he just accepts where she is, and—most importantly—does not offer her advice beyond examining herself and taking her own advice. A massive part of being in a relationship with another person (a close relationship of any nature) is figuring out how to support that person without necessarily having to be happy about every single thing they do. It’s so important that Ted connects what she’s just told him about Sam back to what she told him last season about her plot with the club. These both feel like truth bombs to him, and he is at least safe enough to make that clear. These are both things that impact him, things that shape how he sees her and maybe even how he sees himself. He cares about her and is capable of taking in this information; he has room for it. But it’s not something he takes lightly, and neither does she. See you next year.

Tumblr user chainofclovers and the TV show Ted Lasso. My brain is going wild thinking about all the ways the next “truth bomb” conversation could go in 3x11 or whatever. Maybe they go full consistent parallel and Rebecca confesses something else, this time about her and Ted or some other big future thing that impacts him as much or more as the other confessions have. (The same but different.) Maybe the tables turn and Ted has something to confess to her. While the 1x9 conversation ended in an embrace and the 2x11 conversation ended with a bit more physical distance (understandable given the current state of their relationship and the nature of the discussion), the verbal ending of both conversations involved voices moving into a sexier lower register while zooming in to talk specifically about their connection to each other, so I have to assume there will be some consistencies in s3 even if the circumstances will be completely different. I don’t really know where I’m going with this and I obviously will go insane if I sustain this level of anticipatory energy until Fall 2022 but I have a feeling my brain and heart are going to try!

Sam and Rebecca. I know there’s been a lot of criticism about whether this show is being at all realistic about the power dynamics and inevitable professional issues this relationship would create. On some level, I agree; I like that pretty much everyone who knows about the affair has been kind so far, but you can be kind and still ask someone to contend with reality. But I also think that in nearly every plot point on this show, the narrative is driven by how people feel about their circumstances first and foremost. (It’s why the whiteboard in the coaching office and the football commentators tell us more about how the actual football season is going from a points perspective than anyone else.) This episode reminded me how few people know about Sam and Rebecca, and how much their time together so far has been time spent in bed. The private sphere. I thought this episode really expertly brought the public sphere into it, not—thank goodness—through a humiliating exposure or harsh judgment but through an opportunity for Sam that illustrates not only all his potential to do great things but how much Rebecca’s professional position and personal feelings are in conflict with that. Could stand in the way of that. I don’t have a strong gut feeling about where this will go, but I do think Sam’s face in his final scene of this episode is telling. He started the episode wanting to see Rebecca (his most recent text to her was about wanting to connect), and Edwin’s arrival from Ghana really exploded his sense of what is possible for his life. If he’d arrived home to Rebecca sitting on his stoop prior to meeting Edwin, he’d have been delighted. Now he’s conflicted, and whatever decision he makes, he has to reckon with the reality that he cannot have everything he wants. No matter what. And Rebecca—she has taken Ted’s advice and is attempting to be honest about the fact that she can’t control Sam’s decisions but hopes he doesn’t go, and even saying that much feels so inappropriate. And I’m not sure how much she realizes about the inappropriateness of the position she’s putting him in, although maybe she’s getting there considering she exits the scene very quickly. I’ve honestly loved Rebecca’s arc this season. I think it’s realistic that she got obsessed with the intimacy she thought she could find in her phone. I think it’s realistic that her professional and personal ambitions are inappropriately linked. (They certainly were for Rupert. It’s been years since she’s known anything different; even if she’s done some significant recovery work to move on from her abusive marriage and figure out her own priorities, she’s got a long way to go.) I know there are people who will read this interaction between Rebecca and Sam as a totally un-self-aware thing on the part of “the show” or “the writers” but what I saw is two people who enjoyed being in bed together and now have to deal with the reality that they’re in two different places in their lives and that one has great professional power over the other. If that wasn’t in the show, I wouldn’t be able to see it or feel so strongly about it.

Edwin and Sam. I really enjoyed all the complexities of this interaction. Edwin is promising a future for Sam that doesn’t quite exist yet, though he has the financial means to make it happen. He offers this by constructing for Sam a Nigerian—and Ghanaian—experience unlike anything he’s found in London. Sam is amazed that this experience is here, and Edwin’s response is to explain to him that the experience is not here. Not really. The experience in Africa. Sam has of course connected to the other Nigerian players on the team, but this is something else entirely. I’m really curious if Sam is going to end up feeling that what Edwin has to offer is real or not. That sense of home and connection? So real. And so right that he would want to experience that homecoming and would want to be part of building that experience for others. But at the end of the day, he went to a museum full of actors and a pop-up restaurant full of “friends,” and is that constructed authenticity as a stand-in for a real homecoming more or less real than the home he’s building in Richmond? (With other players who stand in solidarity with him, and with well-meaning white coaches who say dumb stuff sometimes, and an a probably-doomed love interest, and a feeling that he should put chicken instead of goat in the jollof, and the ability to stand out as an incredible player on a rising team.)

Nate and everyone. But also Nate and no one. Nate’s story is so painful and I’m so anxious for next week’s episode. For a long time I’ve felt that a lot of Nate’s loyalties are with Richmond, and a lot of his ambitions are around having given so much to this place without getting a lot back, and having a strong feeling that he’s the answer to Richmond’s future. But now I’m not so sure; his ambitions have transferred into asking everyone he knows (except Ted, of course), if they want to be “the boss.” But Nate is all tactics and no communication. When he wants to suggest a new play to Ted, he hasn’t yet learned to read Ted’s language to learn that Ted is eager to hear what he has to say. And while Ted has been really unfortunately distracted about Nate and dismissive of him this season, he clearly respects Nate’s approach to football and was appreciative of the play. Nate just can’t hear that. The suit is such a great metaphor of all the things Nate is in too much pain to be able to hear clearly. Everyone digs at him for wearing the suit Ted bought him (including Will, who’s got to get little cuts in where he can, because he’s got to be sick of the way Nate treats him), but when he gets fed up his solution isn’t to go out on his own and find more clothes he likes; he asks Keeley to help him. And then crosses a major line with her...and no matter how kind she was about it, she was clearly not okay. Everything is going to blow up, and I’m so curious as to whether Nate will end up aligning himself with Rupert in some way or if he’s going to end up screwed over by Rupert and in turn try to screw over his colleagues even worse than he’s already done. Or try desperately to make amends even though it could be too late for some. Either way, I’m fully prepared to feel devastated. (And there’s no way I’m giving up on this character. If he’s able to learn, I truly believe he could end up seeking forgiveness and forging a happier existence for himself. Someday. Like in season 3 or something.)

Ted and Trent. Trent deciding to reveal his source to Ted is a huge deal, and I’m torn between so many emotions about this exposé. I’m glad it’s a Trent Crimm piece and not an Ernie Loundes piece. I’m glad that Trent made the decision to warn Ted and let him know that Nate is his source. I fear—but also hope—that this exposure will set off a chain reaction of Ted learning about some of the things he’s missed while suffering through a really bad bout with his dad-grief and panic disorder. The things Ted doesn’t know would devastate him. I wonder if Ted will want to figure out a way to make Nate feel heard and reconcile with him, and I wonder how that will be complicated if/when he realizes Nate has severely bullied Will, gets more details on how he mistreated Colin, etc. I wonder if Rebecca, whom Nate called a “shrew” right before she announced his promotion, will be in the position of having to ask Ted to fire him, or overriding Ted and doing it herself. So many questions! I have a feeling it’ll go in some wild yet very human-scaled, emotionally-nuanced direction, and I’ll be like “Oh my GOD!” but also like “Oh, of course.”

This VERY SERIOUS AND EMOTIONAL REVIEW has a major flaw, which is that none of the above conversations include mention of the absolute love letter to N*SYNC. Ted passionately explains how things should go while dancing ridiculously! Will turns on the music and starts gyrating! Roy nods supportively! Beard shouts the choreography like the Broadway choreographer of teaching grown men who play football how to dance like a boy band. Everyone is so incredibly proud when they nail it. I love them.

I cannot believe next week is the end. For now. I’m kind of looking forward to letting everything settle during the hiatus, but I’ve really loved the ride.

[noteguk]

a little while | kth | m

↳ inspired by the song “a little while” by yellow days. 

— summary; in which Taehyung realizes that he was wrong in thinking that being friends with benefits with you wouldn’t backfire. 

— contents and warnings; angsty smut!!, pretty much pwp, taehyung is emotional, fwb au, Taehyung x reader, protected sex, dirty talk (honestly like one sentence), unrequited feelings, kind of soft sex :( taehyung is whipped and sad about it 

— words; 2k

— author’s note; I’ve been feeling kind of stuck with my other wips so I wrote this drabble to unwind :) idk if I plan to write more of it but who knows!!! My two functioning neurons are very unpredictable. 

That was supposed to be easy. 

That was all that Taehyung could think about: you two, whatever you had going on; that was supposed to be easy. It was the whole point of even starting something like that in the first place. It was the entire motive behind why anyone would ever accept a friend with benefits — no strings attached, no clingy calls, no emotional baggage. It was supposed to be a quick situation, convenient; Taehyung was supposed to see you every once in a while, maybe even forget about you, until he decided that he wanted to get his dick wet again. 

It was supposed to be easy. 

“Is this okay for you?” Taehyung asked, leaning a bit closer to your face. He loved staring at you like that: with your hair sprawled on the pillow and your pouty lips inviting him into a kiss. He had grown used to having you under him, and it had quickly become one of his favorite pastimes. “Want me to go faster?” 

You shifted around under him, your hands moving up to rest on his shoulders. “It’s alright, I like it slow too.” 

And he could only nod, because his mind was thinking too many things that he could not say. It was supposed to be fucking easy, but somewhere along the way, Taehyung had ruined everything. It was just a matter of time before the whole situation went up in flames and he managed to lose both his friend and what might just be the love of his life in one go. 

Because Taehyung had broken the first and most important rule of having a friend with benefits: whatever you do, don’t catch feelings. 

And now he was rocking into you slowly, sensually, actually making love to you instead of the way he usually fucked — fast, rough, with your loud moans filling his lungs until he found his high. It was ridiculous. He felt nauseous. 

Worst part was that he was almost sure you didn’t feel the same — and the “almost” was because there was a small fragment of hope inside his chest that really tried to convince him that he had a shot. That maybe the way you looked at him showed something beyond hunger and lust. Maybe you actually cared for him. Maybe you wanted more and you weren’t brave enough to tell him. 

“Actually, could you go a bit faster?” 

Your voice shot him straight back down into reality. Taehyung only nodded, mumbling something that not even he understood before burying his face on the crook of your neck and raising the speed of his thrusts. The world around him felt suffocating and confusing, not even your honeyed moans against his ear could raise his spirit. 

Still he tried to ground himself, his hands digging to your hips as he closed his eyes, focusing on the drag of your walls against his cock. The feeling was overwhelming, dizzying, earned a low groan from him as he continued to fuck you like you deserved to be fucked. Taehyung managed to pretend that everything was alright for exactly two minutes before you spoke up again. 

“God, that feels so good,” you cried out. His cock throbbed inside you at your words, his mind spinning at the sensation of you growing tighter. Taehyung was obsessed with you in every way, completely enthralled by how your body reacted to his, so eager to feel more. “Want you to kiss me, Tae.” 

You always asked that when you were getting close and Taehyung was always fast to do it. His lips were on yours before he could even think about it, his tongue crawling inside your mouth as he groaned against the kiss. God, he could make out with you forever, it wasn’t even a joke. 

Taehyung was absolutely whipped and that was a problem. 

He removed one hand from your hips and trailed it down your arm slowly, reaching your hand and intertwining his fingers in yours. He moaned against your mouth, feeling his orgasm building up on the base of his spine, and pressed your hand down on the mattress as he continued to bury himself inside you. 

“Tae,” you sobbed his name so beautifully that he swore he could cum right at that instant. “I’m so close.” 

“It’s okay, baby, you can let it go,” he said, his voice so deep that you felt it vibrating inside your chest. “I got you. Cum on my cock for me. Wanna feel you.”

And you did, because it was like the universe was mocking him about how perfect you could be. Taehyung groaned — both in pleasure and in frustration — as your pussy clenched around his aching cock, your thighs trembling on either side of his body while you cried out his name. It was a flawless melody composed just for him: your voice dancing in the air, the lewd sounds of your wetness as he continued to thrust in and out of you. 

Taehyung, just to top it all off, committed the huge mistake of actually making eye contact with you as you came down from your high. It suddenly was too much: your hooded eyes, your parted lips, the blissful expression that covered your features. You were too much. 

“Fuck, baby,” Taehyung cursed. He closed his eyes, paying full attention to his growing pleasure. “You’re so beautiful.” 

He didn’t really mean to confess that out loud, but you didn’t seem to mind. You smiled, that gorgeous, drowsy smile you always gave him after he had made you cum, and Taehyung swore he was in heaven. “Are you gonna cum?” You asked, earning an eager nod in return. His hair was a mess over his eyes, sweaty and disorganized, covering his gaze as he looked down to see where the two of you met. You were made for him, your pussy was made for him, and he couldn’t take that idea out of his mind. “It’s okay, Tae, you can cum.” 

Again, the universe was mocking him, because within a few seconds he was doing just that. Taehyung pressed his forehead against your shoulder and spilled himself inside the condom, wishing profusely — pretending, almost — that the latex barrier wasn’t there, and that he was filling you up with his cum instead, making you his. And that was enough to prolong his high a little further, his cock throbbing as he dove into that fantasy. 

But, eventually, it had to end. 

The silence that followed was thick and overbearing, but comfortable regardless. Most of the time it went like that: with the two of you basking in the afterglow of your orgasms, drowning in the heat of one another without saying a word. Taehyung did not know what went on inside your head, but he knew that he needed those few seconds of silence to reset his thoughts, to try and bury the emotions that ever so gradually started to build up. 

Basically, he had to take a moment to remind himself that he had absolutely no chance with you. 

You sighed deeply, your fingers diving into Taehyung’s soft locks. He had collapsed against your chest, trying to regain his breath and, at the gentle caresses of your fingers, you felt his heart leap inside his chest, pounding against your skin. 

“That was nice,” you said daintily. He only hummed in agreement, worried he would slip and say something he didn’t mean to. “I have to go, though.” 

Just like that, Taehyung felt like he just got stabbed in the fucking jugular. He whipped his head away from your chest faster than he could think (after all, he should’ve enjoyed a few extra seconds of boob time if he had the chance) and his mouth fell open for a moment before his words finally came out. “Don’t— Don’t you wanna stay the night?” 

If you thought that his plea was desperate, which it was, you didn’t let it show. You smiled, leaning back to you could shift into a seating position on the bed. The two of you were facing each other then, so close and yet miles apart. “I don’t think I have the energy for round three,” you answered playfully. 

Taehyung had two conflicting answers fighting in his head. The first one was that it wasn’t for sex, something along the lines of “actually, I might be in love with you and I don’t want you to go”; the second one was the one that you wanted to hear: “it’s okay, I’ll do all the work anyways”. And, yet, as the brave battle continued inside his mind, he was left to stare in silence as you jumped out of the bed and started seeking for your clothes.

“Besides,” you continued, “I have that research presentation tomorrow.” 

Oh yeah, that stupid research thing. The reason why you had to schedule that Emergency Unwinding Session with Taehyung in the first place. His initial bliss, but his final demise. How poetic. 

“It’s fine, I get it.” Taehyung watched your little wiggling dance as you placed your pants back on. He would’ve teased you about it if his heart wasn’t in absolute shambles. “Can I see you later tomorrow, then?” 

You didn’t even hesitate to twist the blade. “Won’t happen. It’s Yongsun’s birthday and we are going to this fancy sushi bar downtown,” you said. The universe truly hated Taehyung and you were completely dressed by the time you leaned in to place a kiss against his forehead. “But we’ll figure something out. I owe you a third round.” 

Taehyung forced out a laugh, trying to brush away the storm cloud over his head. However, he couldn’t even convince himself that he was fine. “Sure. We can figure it out.” 

You hummed and ran your fingers through your hair, trying to make it a bit more presentable. “I have the copy of the keys that Jimin gave me, so you don’t have to worry about locking the door. Just go to sleep and I’ll lock it on my way out.” 

Taehyung simply nodded because he seriously didn’t think he could say anything without completely confessing his emotions. They were so bottled up that he felt them building up in his throat, like a shaken bottle of soda about to explode. 

“See you, Tae. Thanks for tonight,” you said on your way out of his room. 

He responded with a timid, “See you,” that he was a hundred percent sure you didn’t even hear. A few seconds later, the sound of his front door closing was like thunder echoing around his empty room. 

Taehyung sighed and threw himself back against the mattress, covering his eyes with the palm of his hand. He was so fucked. So fucking whipped. He just wanted to scream against his pillow until it all went away, but he knew that it wouldn’t. He couldn’t confess to you because he was sure that you didn’t feel the same, and he couldn’t let you go because he was selfish: he wanted you one way or another, even if he had to disguise his emotions and pretend that everything was fine. 

He removed his hand from his face and stared up at the white ceiling, at the slices of moonlight that came from his open window. Taehyung decided that he would just continue faking that he was fine with the idea of being friends with benefits with you. But could he do it? Could he keep it up? For how long? Taehyung had endured those acting sessions for a bit too long then, and he didn’t know how much he could take before he reached his breaking point. 

He groaned and rolled around on the bed. He just wanted to sleep. 

That was supposed to be easy.