#even when i get to see the specialists it's still 'ok so lose some weight and that will help'

[megroha]

peeping the horrors (thinking abt how long this ongoing fight with body image and dysmorphia and physical health has been going on and how long it will go on!)

[masschase]

21 w casey and matt

Touching prompts: I am still accepting more of these, just give me some time as they tend to get a little long like this one 😅

21: kissing the other's brow

Growing Out

Fandom: Saints Row Universe: Canon/Main Universe Pairing: Matt Miller x Boss OC Cassandra "Casey" Clark Synopsis: When touching Matt's face, Casey feels something she'd not really noticed before. 2348 words, set around a week and a half before the start of Out Of Time. Warnings: Swearing, suggestive joke.

“Two months.” Matt murmured quietly, his brow furrowed slightly as his eyes remained fixed on the screen. Casey could tell something had been bothering her friend from the moment they sat down; he'd been more withdrawn than normal, putting on the episode and reaching an arm around her wordlessly but barely meeting her face at all.

She was used to it now. How close they got every Friday. She was beginning to lose her inhibitions around it more and more as time went on. There felt less need to be defensive. That looming doubt in the back of her mind about her “no cuddling” rule was always soothed sufficiently by the comfort before it had a chance to fully form. “Hmm?” she responded, turning to glance at him slightly as she tried to decipher where on earth that had come from.

“We've got… a month until we talk everyone through the tactics.” he elaborated, with an anxious sounding sigh. “Two until the invasion.”

It finally clicked for her why he might be acting a little off given that looming deadline. “Oh…” she replied softly. “I getcha…”. They’d worked together on the plans for months now, but they were still having to change things. Apparently Zinjai had succeeded in procuring a specialist from the pods to help build a more protective robot, possibly even two, than what they had.

It was important to them both that Matt would be able to see and hear her from aboard the ship stationed on the new planet, and vice versa. It would be just like in the simulations; that ease and familiarity that allowed them to succeed in teaming up time and time again. That was worth the disruption to their previous tactics.

She thought back though, to when, several months ago, she’d seen him first break down; not seethe over a buggy piece of code or whine about her driving or cry over an episode he really liked but really break down, when she told him to be prepared for the fact she’d likely die out there. Now they were both more optimistic about it given their adaptions. But the look on his face certainly betrayed a similar sentiment to that time.

So, seeing where this was going, she pre-emptively turned to him and pulled him close, his arm still resting awkwardly around her. She would never have dreamed of just wordlessly embracing someone when they were upset on Earth. But whether she admitted it or not, she and Matt hadn’t just grown together over the past couple of years, they’d practically grown into one another, and it was unsurprising that she was now able to return some of the same affection he offered.

She somewhat expected him to cry again, but instead his hand clutched at the back of her shirt as they sat there quietly for a moment. “Thank you.” Matt finally responded. “It's… nothing really though.”. She was’t too sure if he meant it or not by his ambiguous tone. It was harder when she couldn’t see him.

She drew back a little, but encouraged him to let her take some of his weight and lean him down, cradling an arm under his head. His eyes locked with hers uncertainly, and there it was, that endless blue stare she’d thought dangerous on many an occasion, absent of tears but certainly a little forlorn.

She used the calm tone she often used for speeches, though just a degree softer. “You’ll be OK, Matty.” she assured him. “And all our friends’ll be OK.”. She smiled but she still sensed that hesitation in his expression. “And I will be OK.” she added almost as an afterthought, subtly betraying her priorities.

That didn’t immediately shake the expression. But it seemed once her words has sunk in, his frown relaxed a little, a hard blink clearing some of the downheartedness, a small smile spreading across his lips. “Thank you, Boss.” he repeated.

“You said that already.” she teased in response, reaching towards a loose strand of his bangs and brushing it across his forehead, fingertips grazing a small area of thickened skin on the way. She paused, placing the section of hair neatly so it wasn’t obscuring his face but then drawing back to run her thumb along the tiny mark that was hidden well enough by his eyebrow that she’d never noticed it before. “You got a scar here?” she asked curiously.

“Oh…” he responded. “Um… yeah, it is actually.”. He sounded relatively nonplussed about the whole thing, but it still seemed a little evasive to her.

“You know most people would look at that as an invitation to elaborate, Matt.” the Boss pointed out. He was usually pretty upfront about things like this so she couldn't help but wonder if it was embarrassing. “You run into a table as a kid or somethin’?”

Matt laughed ever-so-slightly. “No, nothing like that.” he clarified. “It’s nothing drastic, I just had an eyebrow piercing once.”

“Ooh…” she said, both surprised and intrigued, not so much that he'd made that choice but that there were still things she didn’t know about him after all this time. “That’d look hot on you.” she added without really thinking, taking in his face as she mentally placed it onto his features, fingertips brushing the side of his face.

Matt looked at her for a moment, that look he always got when he seemed to be struggling to read her, then looking away slightly awkwardly. “Well probably not at the time, I was only fourteen.” he deflected.

“Fourteen?” she asked. “I swear to god Matt, the shit you did as a kid makes you sound so fuckin’ wild sometimes.”. She was a lot more placid than that at fourteen. Drinking, hacking, and now piercings?

He laughed again. “Not wild at all.” he insisted. “But well… as you know, all my friends were a bit older-“

“Because you’re a supergenius who skipped two grades of school.” she interrupted matter-of-factly.

Matt raised his eyebrows, but then a little smirk came to his face. “Perhaps.” he said nonchalantly. She didn’t mind if other people found his occasionally egotistical nature annoying. Seeing the bigger picture, she found it a little endearing that he had a confidence he lacked elsewhere when it came to his intelligence. “Point is, we were out in Camden, there was this dodgy tattoo place that didn’t seem to give much of a shit how old any of us were, and I wanted to impress them…”. He smiled slightly, looking off into the distance remembering. “It did look rather cool actually.” he mused. “My parents went mental though.”. He shook his head, chuckling. “I had access to several highly confidential government files at that point, yet the piercing was their sticking point.”

“I’m gonna guess that’s cause they never got to see the highly confidential government files, Matty.” she pointed out with a smirk back. “So… what… after that they made you take it out?”

“Surprisingly, no.” he admitted. “But apparently it’s really common for surface piercings like that to just grow out completely. It lasted for less than a year.”

“Awwww; the cool just plain ejected itself from your body.” she teased in a faux sympathetic tone.

“Oi.” he complained, nudging her lightly. “Look I know you think I'm a loser but there's no need to be mean about it.”

Even though she knew he wasn't entirely serious, that caught her a little off guard. She frowned slightly as her eyes flicked over his face. “I don't think you're a loser, Matty…” she replied. He was… fuck… how the hell could she even put it into words? How could she even begin to describe a man who could create entire worlds from typing lines into a computer? Who could not only fix robots and bikes and guns but took pleasure in it? Who somehow knew all the best games and shows and music and everything?

A man who despite all that, showed her a loyalty she could have only dreamed of years previously. Even when it was difficult. Even when it must be pretty terrifying for him. Who had the patience to deal with her, the observation to see what she needed, the compassion to even care about both. He’d told her he thought of her as his best friend on his birthday, just three weeks prior. She wished she’d worked up how to describe to him just how mutual that feeling was. Her lieutenant. Her best friend. Her Matty.

But even as she sat there on the couch, having broken so many barriers; watching what she’d once thought was just a shitty vampire show, letting him hold her, cradling him in her lap... her ability to voice all that she was feeling still failed her.

“You alright?” he asked, the concern that the conversation had broken seemingly returning a little. She guessed she’d not really spoken for a while, just looking at him as her mind swirled with all that she couldn’t convey with words.

“Oh… yeah…” she replied, trying to give a genuine slight smile. She took a deep breath in and out for reasons she couldn’t quite place. “What’s a stupid piece of metal know anyway?” she said as breezily as she could. He smiled again, and she could so easily leave it at that, but she didn’t. Instead she leaned down and kissed the scar gently. “All better.” she added, her face smiling down from just a couple of inches above him.

His smile didn’t fade, but there was still a barely noticeable shift in his expression. It was in his eyes, she thought. Like the forlorn look he’d had just minutes ago, but not quite. Like he was looking straight into her and straight through her at the same time. She couldn’t fully decipher it. All she knew is it made something burn in her chest. Her head remained close above his but she averted her gaze slightly, shaking her head. “Sorry if that was weird, my sister used to-“

“No.” he interrupted in a soft breath, his hand reaching swiftly for her face, mirroring the hold she had on his. She flicked her eyes towards his, then to his hand, then back again, wondering the significance. He didn’t need any serious explanation just to touch her face, so… why did she feel like she was dizzy with anticipation? It was agonizing. He swallowed, then seemingly felt an explanation was warranted. “Your… hair was tickling my neck…” he mumbled.

“Oh.” she chuckled, the tension broken enough for her to shift herself away from him and back upright, finally feeling able to draw a breath. “I’ve been meaning to get a haircut actually.”

“Oh?” he asked. “Are you going back to the green as well?” he asked, the ends of her hair having faded to blue as usual rather than the emerald she’d had put in just before Christmas.

“Mmm, I don’t know.” she said. “I wanna do something different.” she explained. “Not just the color either, I wanna like… change up the style a little.”. It’d been like this for so long now. Something within her was desperately craving a change. “What do you think would look cute on me?” she asked, looking down at him and placing her palm under chin, pouting.

He let out another soft laugh at that. “Everything, probably.” he suggested, getting up off her lap and settling back beside her.

“OK, one, you weren’t even looking, and two, quit being such a suck-up.” she complained lightly.

“I’m not.” he insisted, but he did look at her properly this time. “Hmm... you had a fringe back when I had you under surveillance, right?” he asked.

“You can just say “back in Steelport” so you don’t sound totally creepy.” she pointed out, then processed the rest of it. “Sorry, uh… fringe?” she asked, having been thrown off the topic a little and missing the context.

“You know…” he replied with a smirk. “Baaaangs.” he finished in his exaggerated attempt at an ‘American’ accent which, as ever, made him sound like a cross between Josh Birk and a valley girl. It got the point across but not without reminding her what a brat he still was.

“I’m gonna bang you in a min-“ she began, only really hearing it when it had already come out of her mouth and promptly closing it.

“Did…” Matt replied with a raised eyebrow and a slight laugh, though she thought she could see the slightest hint of a blush beneath his makeup. “Did you just say you’re going to bang me?”

“Matt, c'mon…” she said, breaking into laughter herself. Of course… it wasn’t entirely like she didn’t want to do exactly that. But she couldn’t give into that temptation for even a moment. Not after what had almost happened three weeks ago. And four weeks ago. And five weeks ago. “You know what I meant.” she insisted.

Matt continued to laugh along with her, but he settled his arm back around her, just as he had done at the start of their evening together. “You’re fine, love.” he assured, his cheek nestling into her hair slightly, making her scalp tingle. Then he promptly turned his attention back to the screen, their peals of laughter giving way to quiet serenity.

Casey looked to the screen too thoughtfully. Damn... Journey and Marion had some real chemistry. She had to grasp at this normalcy. She had to remind herself sometimes, how important he was to have as a friend. So that she never strayed into almost tainting it again. “Matty…” she began softly. “Y’know how you called me your uh… “bezzie mate” when you were wasted?”

“I did.” he confirmed, sounding amused by his own sloppy phrasing but recalling it nonetheless.

She should say it. Say he was her best friend too; while she was loath to compare the two, just as much as Johnny. Say he meant the world to her, especially in the absence of any other. Say anything that would mean something real and genuine and everything she wished she could be for him. “…That still true?” she instead found herself asking.

He smiled, pulling her just that little bit closer. “Always.” he assured.

[reenajohn]

have been so long so much have happen

so have been busy with all my doctors appointments in hospital and what not

just wanna say im sooo grateful we met and bringing miie here and there for all my appointments

so he noticed my weight loss without any reason nor any intention to lose weight and also my fainting episode that keep getting worse tbh i get my smart watch not cos i workout but cos i know have those episodes happening now and then but not as close i just wanna know how my heart beats going like is it cos blood not pumping right or something that’s why i get it. any way he saw the weight loss and figured it out something was wrong i was 1st being send to government hospital cos of my fainting but well they just put miie at the side walk give miie IV bag took my blood for test and told miie nothing wrong my bf told miie to take the report back to him he will find his friends (doctor) to read it no way u r ok when the fainting happen two time just within hrs apart as i asked for the blood test report they told miie i can get it in health app the next day i was like ok i when home in the middle of the night they dont even keep miie till next day even tho i told them im alone no one there to pick miie up great … the next day download my blood test results and send to bf and he send to his friends and straight up his friends call back tell him that red blood cell count is very low and is kinda low nutrition and he scold miie for not eating right as i only eat bread most of the time and so he keep asking miie to eat better and everytime we meet he will get miie real food like chicken meat and what not but well fainting episode still happen and his find his insurance friend to get miie a full body check up in private hospital, all the blood test and also put camera in miie to see if any inside problems turn out blood test shows i have hyperthyroidism and his doctor friend suggest us to get test from government health care as this way the bill will be much more cheaper then private health care so of i go to government health care he took miie there and 6 trip there to get miie to a government hospital health care system and now finally getting it monitored and also get miie to eye specialist as i was complaining eye pain pretty frequently and this illness will affect my eyes too so eye specialist have to check and monitor on my eye. turn up my ex bf who poked miie in the eye like 8 years ago is caseing my eye pain as it scar my eye and have not healed up since then doctor told miie to keep it moist so it will not hurt cos when ever its dry the scar kinda open up like how ur skin get cut and is opening up as and when u rubbing against finger and it don heal well when that happen so keeping it moist helps to keep it close hope it will heal soon so i have appointment with eye doctor 3 month after and some how my grown a bump on my eye lip and i ask to get it fixed before my birthday since i have an appointment right before my birthday and on the same day the doctor remove it with a small surgery as miie to rest for a day so now the bump is fix when for a review today and found that my the other eye is growing one too and she helps miie to get it out straight away not letting it turn into a bump and she told miie all good now will see miie in like 6months time so great now my next appointment is my hyperthyroid doctor appointment this most likey will be on going for longer as my thyroid still not stable yet as my dose of medication when down like 1 months ago how my next blood test appointment will not go crazy if not im sooo going back to my old dose yup will updated again if i have time any way my weight is back so i guess im doing well i think. 🤔

[vtforpedro]

health update - long post

hi everyone! I think it's been a month and a half or so since my last update I saw a rheumatologist, had MRIs done, and got my results back from my hematologist SO cancer: still undetectable in my blood, check every 3 months and hope it doesn't show up for a long time lol \o/ I don't think I can say I'm in remission until a certain amount of time has passed but I hope I can say that one day MRIs: actually show some possible improvement with the chiari and spinal fluid flow? and if there IS improvement (like the radiologist who wrote the report had the MRI from a year ago as reference and his findings were all 'normal' compared to april 2020, but it was hard to get an answer out of my neurologist and neurosurgeon if there was solid evidence of physical improvement). but yeah IF there's improvement, that is highly indicative of IIH because my neurosurgeon told me when people with IIH lose weight, the chiari often corrects itself because there's less pressure and more room in the skull for the cerebellar tonsils to be in a normal position. regular chiari that you're born with doesn't do that lol so if there IS improvement with weight loss, then yeah, IIH. even if they don't wanna put in the diagnostic code for it without a lumbar puncture sigh lol I hate typing this because I'm so paranoid it'll all go to shit if I talk about it, but there have been improvements as I've lost weight. I seem to have a couple weeks where my head isn't so severe, mostly manageable with a few awful days. then I'll have a few weeks of it being Really Really bad with a few not-so-awful days. which IIH can do this sort of 'remission' thing but considering it was like 24/7 with no breaks for a year I'd say this is moving in the direction I want it to completely changed my diet a handful of months ago and adjusting it still to be even healthier/more fulfilling. I started using the Noom app (paid sub version) cause it's so focused on psychology instead of 'dieting' and building habits that are sustainable in the long, long-term. I really love it so far. the routine of doing it at the same time every day has already made me feel better mentally about my weight loss journey despite my struggles with losing weight, I am officially down 20lbs \o/ they say for improving/curing IIH, you need to lose 10-20% of your body weight. well, 10% down! time to lose another 20, but I don't find it intimidating and I'm not dreading it. it's hard to have hope, especially on really bad weeks, but I'm taking it one day at a time. definitely not cured but I'm aiming for 40lbs more (so 60 altogether) and by then, maybe, just maybe.... rheumatologist/autoimmune disorder results: so I went to a rheum cause I got that positive autoimmune disorder blood test with the possibility of lupus or scleroderma. she said that she gets so many hematology patients because leukemia and lymphoma have blood antibodies, so it will almost always show up as positive on this antibody test and most people actually won't have an additional autoimmune disorder. I don't have a lot of symptoms of lupus or scleroderma according to her, so she told me don't worry about autoimmune disorders for three months. don't think about them. we'll repeat labs then and see what they say. so that's good news so far and I hope it remains that way 15%+ of the population will test positive on the same test without having any health issues, which I found interesting. and I asked since I already have an autoimmune disorder, tho it's endocrine versus rheumatic, if that would also trigger a positive result and she said yes it would! so yeah... I hope by late July I can still say I don't have an additional autoimmune disorder I see a gastroenterologist tomorrow for the bloating/abdominal pain and other stuff I've been having. I have a feeling I'll be given some antacids (or w/e they're called when it's prescription strength) and that will improve. but jfc I'm up to eight specialists now lol NINE doctors are following my health god it's such a shitty feeling especially when I can barely trust any of them. at

least they all believe me now, but it cost me my quality of life and mental health to even get to this point so I'm still feeling pretty fucking bitter and angry about it all you know what's really hard about completely changing my diet + starting new medications/supplements? for some reason at the beginning of all of this when I was experiencing repeated trauma at the ER, my brain developed a phobia of allergic reactions, despite the fact that I've never had one for food/medicine (I'm talking anaphylactic reactions). so now every single new thing I eat, every new med or supplement, I go through panic attacks for days on end thinking I'm going to die before it starts easing. also, anxiety makes your throat feel like it's closing up and that it's harder to breathe already so lmao fun times. I literally never thought about this in all my life and I never even experienced an allergic reaction to develop this intense fear, so you know. fuck doctors for putting me through this when it was all so unnecessary sigh anyway. still can't watch videos, tv, movies, read, bend over, walk for longer than 5 minutes, and can't talk for long either because it'll trigger a head episode. I'm terrified I won't be able to do these things ever again, but I'm still aiming for my goal weight no matter what and I know I can get there bouncing between misery and hopelessness, and slightly less misery and some hope right now, but I guess that's better than it's been for a year, right? sorry for rambling. I feel like a lot has gone on but I've also had the biggest gaps between doc appts in a while which is a relief just because I can't stand being in medical buildings or around doctors anymore completely vaccinated too, so that's another relief, but I'm wearing masks until americans get their heads out of their asses and we start seeing little to no community spread cause I am still immunocompromised. wouldn't it be nice if people like, idk, cared about each other ok sorry! I hope you're all well and healthy and safe. I love you very much and I'm grateful for your support, forever and always! <3

[imanativeofswlondondahling]

Being A Star (4)- Peter Parker x Stark!femReader

Count: 2071

Warnings: Language as Steve would say

Author’s Note: Here’s the next chapter! Let me know what you think or if you want to be added to the tag for future chapters!

Becoming A Stark || Chapter One Being A Stark|| Masterlist

Life finally feels normal again. At least as much as it can for missing five years in the middle of your life, having a new sister, and living in a new house. But your dad is home which is the biggest thing. Dr. Cho is talking about having to send him to a specialist to deal with the after effects on his arm, but for now she’s let him come home with the sling holding the dead weight of his arm. The marks freak Morgan out so Tony has been wearing a lot of flannels over his arm so she doesn’t have to see it. You’re not supposed to know, but you overheard your parents talking about how Dr. Cho thinks most of your dad’s arm will probably need to be cut off. She hadn’t done it in hopes of saving it, but her messages about your dad’s case with the specialist said there is little hope that the arm can be saved. Especially since it’s causing your dad pain, which you didn’t know. You try to imagine your dad without his arm, but it just doesn’t seem right.

A knock on your door pulls you from your thoughts. “Shouldn’t you be asleep kiddo? You’ve got the second first day of ninth grade tomorrow?” 

“In which I will be the only one starting the year since everyone else started last week.” You say with a roll of your eyes as Tony walks over to sit on the edge of your bed.

“Even so, you’re not one to stay up late on a school night unless you have homework and seeing as I know you already finished it…” He trails off. “Wanna talk about it?” You slide towards the left side of your bed to make room and Tony moves to sit next to you. His good arm wraps around your shoulder and you lean into the smell of him, cinnamon from his cologne and mint from his aftershave. The only scent missing was the smell of him being in the lab, but until he was cleared to work on things like his cars and other science projects, he was restricted from going into the garage.

“I, uh, heard you and Mom talking the other night.” You say softly. You didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but you were going back to your room after using the bathroom and had heard them from the top of the stairs.

“Heard us? Talking about?” Tony asks, not following what you’re talking about.

“Your arm. How they might cut it off.”

“Ah.”

“How you’re in pain.” You mutter the words. 

“I wasn’t keeping that from you, if you’re up late feeling bad about overhearing it.” You look up at him. “Your mom and I were going to talk to you about it after meeting with the specialist. We didn’t want you to be worrying if you didn’t need to be.”

“I’m not up because I felt bad.” Your bottom lip slips between your teeth as you pull at some of the skin there. “I don’t like that you’re in pain.”

“I feel the same way when you hurt kiddo. But that’s what this appointment is about. They think the stones did something to the tissue and nerves. They think it’s basically corrosive. So by taking the arm away, it would hopefully stop the pain.” Your eyebrows fall together as you think about this.

“But how would that affect everything else?”

“Well, I will have to use a prosthetic. And I’ll have to relearn how to do some stuff. But if it gets rid of the pain it will be worth it. Maybe Bucky will teach me all about having a detachable arm.”

“That guy who was bad but now isn’t, that’s a friend of Steve’s?” You ask, having heard the name but never having met the guy.

“That’s the one. He was brainwashed for a little bit into being a bad guy. But he’s all better now. I wouldn’t risk myself being around him if he wasn’t. And he did help us fight Thanos.” He smiles at you. “I think that makes him a good guy.”

“Fuck Thanos.” You mutter.

“Summed up my feelings entirely.” Tony says as his hand rubs your shoulder slightly.

“How do you just jump back into life after being gone for five years?” You ask the other question that has been simmering in your mind for the past few days. “Like my life just stopped? How do I get that back?”

“You seem to be doing a good job at getting it back so far. Hanging out with Mom and Morgan and your favorite old man.” He teases.

“Dad, I’m serious.” You lean into him as you let the words leave your lips. “The past couple weeks have… they felt like they are a part of my new life. But by going back to school, I’m having to be old me all over again? How do I just slip back into that?”

“New life?”

“My old life didn’t include a little sister or waiting for my dad to come home from being injured. It was a whole different thing. I’m in a new house, I haven’t had to do anything that seems like things I would have done before I just poofed.” You didn’t want to admit it, but you had been avoiding Peter partially for that reason. Peter was pre Blip. Morgan was post Blip. How do you make them go together? 

“What things are you nervous about having to deal with?” 

“I…. I’m scared it will all go away again.” You admit. Every day when you wake up, you feel like crying that you’re still there. 

“Being scared is a normal reaction. We all get scared sometimes.”

“You’re Iron Man. You’re saying you get scared? You literally save the world.”

“I lost you. I lost half the universe. I wake up at night and think that you’re still gone. I’m scared I’ll wake up and this will all be a dream. There’s stuff from before the Blip that still causes me to have panic attacks. I get scared easily kiddo. I’m far from perfect at dealing with things.”

“And how do you deal with all of it?”

“I lean on Pepper. I hug you and Morgan as close as humanly possible. I tried therapy once, but should find a different doctor. I tinker. I focus on the things I can control.” 

“So I should just keep going even if I’m scared?” Tony nods slowly. 

“Is this fear why I haven’t seen a certain Spider-boy around?” You bite the inside of your cheek and don’t answer. “I may not like the idea of you dating people for selfish reasons, but I know he makes you happy. So maybe lean on him instead of pushing him away? Just a suggestion.”

“I…” You trail off, not knowing if you should voice the other thought going through your mind.

“You…?”

“Have you ever thought about how the world would look without you in it?”

“Sure, in a dark moment. Why do you ask?” Tony’s concerned but wants to see where you’re going with this.

“I left, and you guys just moved on. So what’s the point of slipping back into what I did pre Blip if everyone was fine without me?” You ask, not looking at your dad. You find you can’t meet his eyes after saying it.

“We continued living. But we didn’t move on.” Tony wishes he had two working arms so he could pull you into a tight hug and not let go. 

“You had a whole other kid while I was gone. How is that not moving on?”

“Morgan was on her way before you Blipped.” You look up at your dad with all the confusion you’re feeling painted across your features. “If the Blip had happened seven weeks later, you would have Blipped knowing that you had a sibling on the way. The last thing we wanted to do after losing you, was try to replace you. And Morgan could never replace you.” He pulls you in closer with his good arm. “I came back from being lost in space with Nebula, thinking I was going to have to tell you I lost your boyfriend. Then I took my first step off the ship and my eyes were searching for you and Pep- hoping I didn’t lose my family. But the moment I saw Pepper’s eyes, I knew it. She didn’t even have to say it. And when I knew you were gone, my whole world fell apart. It felt like my heart had been ripped out. I was sure my lungs were being crushed. I couldn’t breathe. I had a panic attack in front of the remaining Avengers because we lost, but more importantly I lost you, my kid. It took a week before I could even talk to anyone besides Pep. Nearly a month before I could manage to talk about anything Avenger related. It hurt too much. I broke the one promise I swore I wouldn’t. I swore I would keep you safe and I hadn’t done that. I was across the galaxy as you faded into dust. So I promise you Y/N, we never moved on. We just did what we could to make losing you not hurt so much. We were far from fine without you.”

“I didn’t know.” You whisper, not knowing how much pain your dad had gone through. “I’m sor-”

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence. You have nothing to be sorry for. If anyone should apologize, it should be me for not stopping the Blip from happening.”

“That’s not your fault though. You may be an Avenger, but the world doesn’t rest on your shoulders.” You pause before saying. “If I’m not allowed to apologize, then neither are you.”

“You’re making demands now?”

“Mmmhmm. You perfected time travel to bring me back. And you brought my boyfriend back, willingly nonetheless. So I say there’s nothing to apologize for. No apologizing.”

“Ok, no apologizing.” Tony leans against your head. Tony decides to bring up a more positive subject. “Morgan loves that you tell her actual bedtime stories.”

“Actual bedtime stories? What have you been telling her?”

“Once upon a time there was a Morguna who went to bed, the end.”

“That’s the worst story I’ve ever heard. No wonder she likes my stories better.” You shrug. “They’re not that special. Just stories I would have made up when I was her age.”

“Vivid imagination?” You nod.

“Still have one. It’s why I love reading. Imagining far off places and new things to see. It’s amazing.” You lean into your dad’s shoulder as you explain.

“Ever thought about writing your own?”

“Story?”

“Book.”

“I’ve… contemplated it before. But never actually given it a try. What if I have nothing to say?”

“You’ll never know if you don’t try.”

“Wow, it’s cuddle time and I wasn’t invited?” Pepper stands barefoot in your doorway.

“There’s still room.” You pat the bed on the other side of you. Pepper smiles and comes to sit down next to you.

“What are we contemplating instead of sleeping?”

“Dad’s trying to convince me I should try to write a book.”

“You could write a book that is solely Morgan’s bedtime stories and I know you would have at least one reader.” Pepper agrees. 

“That’s just made up… shit.” You shrug off your parents’ suggestions. “It’s not a real story.”

“It’s a real story to Morgan. The person who decides the story is worth it is the person who wants to read it. But if you want to do something completely different, that’s ok too. You have plenty of time to figure out what to do in life.” Pepper says. “But, it is getting late and you do have to get up early to drive into the city.”

“You were the ones that chose to move out of NYC proper. So really it’s your fault.” You joke.

“True, but either way, you need to get some sleep so you don’t fall asleep in class.” Tony kisses your cheek. Pepper stands up, but then leans over to give you one more hug and a kiss. “Get some sleep kiddo. Tomorrow is going to be fine.”

“Whatever you say Dad.” Tony pulls your quilt around you and tucks it in tight. “Love you.”

“Love you too sweetheart.”

“Love you kiddo.”

  ...A Stark Tag list: @persephonehemingway  @iamaunicorn4704  @furiouspockettoad  @daughter-of-stark  @eternalharry​  @huntective-kyeo​ @riiis-stuff​ @sunnyoongles @cosmicqueenieb​ @sovereignparker​ @bbarnestan​ @teenwishes08​ @iamthescarlettwitch​ @skyfallstilinski @cutie1365​ @a-mnd​ @youarethereasonimsmiling​ @thefemalestorywriter​ @krazykendraisnotinsane​ @cathy8taffy​ @letssee2468​ @babyreads​ @riyanna​ @theatregeek @bubblebunbun @curls-freckles-books

Permanent tag list: @wormonastringonastick​

strike wont let me tag

[oimoi-op]

when were you diagnosed with t1d?

Ok, so storytime! Short answer is, as of today, barely over two months ago. 

(Very long post warning y’all, contains hospital mention and extensive, possibly upsetting descriptions of health conditions, specifically DKA)

My family doesn’t really have a history of T1D or even T2D, though my second-cousin-once-removed has had T1D for over a decade now. So, there was never any reason for me to try and get tests done for it. The only sign I really had up until last semester was two copies of a variant of an HLA gene that I knew about from a 23andMe report (which, according to the report, put me at a higher risk for celiac’s and nothing else), but of course at that time I had no idea that that could mean anything serious; after all, that sort of thing only happens to other people, right?

My college started in-person classes in the latter half of August. By October, I started feeling tired, having a lack of appetite, and needing water very, very badly. I actually went to my school’s clinic, and my erratic heartbeat prompted the doctor to recommend me for a Covid-19 test. My school’s protocols meant that I had to quarantine at my home (since I live within two hours of campus) until I got a negative test result. At home, I was drinking water all the time and sleeping constantly, and my parents had commented on how I’d been losing weight. I thought these were all good things. I had been slightly overweight at my high school graduation, and I’d always heard that drinking a lot of water is good for you, so I thought I was actually in excellent health even if I kind of felt like shit most of the time.

Well. Uh. I was wrong.

When finals came around in mid-November, I was just fucking tired. I’d get a decent eight hours of sleep and still have to take naps during the day. Hell, I was even late for work because I slept through one of my nap alarms. Studying was a pain in the ass. Attending classes was a pain in the ass. Staying awake for Zoom classes was a pain in the ass. I was waking up at 5 am to go to the bathroom, and then I would drink the rest of my water, refill it, drink half of it again, and then go back to sleep. Finally, November 20th rolled around, and I got to leave campus. It was my birthday (yeah I am a Scorpio and that weirds all of my friends out lol), and my parents took me to Fusion. And I just...couldn’t eat at all? I love hibachi, but I couldn’t even eat half of my food. The chef even got me a delicious banana split that I had to basically bully my younger sister into eating with me.

For the next week, I was sleeping about 18 hours a day. I didn’t think this was weird because I’d just had finals so yeah, it makes sense that I would be tired after exams and whatnot. I went shopping with my mom, sister, and sister’s bff. We were only out for a few hours, but I was fucking wiped out y’all, like in pain. Thanksgiving arrived, and again, I love food, I love eating, but I was not hungry in the slightest. I basically had to force myself to eat some of my favorite holiday foods just so I wouldn’t offend my mom, and then I didn’t eat for the day.

The very next morning, I was puking my guts out.

This started a pattern for the next few days: I would eat chicken noodle soup or some other food, sleep like the dead, and throw up every morning and every night. I started chugging large bottles of Gatorade constantly (which, if you know about diabetes and its health complications, did not help my situation in the slightest). I started breathing erratically after very little exertion. Like, I’m talking standing up and stretching brought about heavy, labored breathing. I weighed myself on my parents’ scale, and I was under 130 lbs. Now, for some people this might seem like a lot, but due to my height and build I could fucking see some of my ribs. That was when I started to realize that something was very, very wrong, but “losing weight is good” and I didn’t want my parents to laugh at me for voicing concerns (though, for all their faults, in hindsight, I doubt they would’ve). Yeah. Don’t do that, folks, that’s not a good mindset to have. 

On Sunday, my mom took me to town to get tested for Covid. This was despite me saying that I didn’t have symptoms (which I knew very well due to some of my friends catching it at school). Rapid test came back negative, so I did a culture test. Hell, while I was sitting in the damn chair, I was about to pass out. I asked for a nausea pill but my mouth was too dry for it to dissolve. I got a cup of water, downed it all, and felt like my throat was on fire. For the rest of the day I felt so, so awful. At some point I was walking toward my bed in my room and I fucking fell. I’m fucking lucky there was carpet. 

Regarding the rest of that night, things start to get blurry, for the lack of a better term. I legitimately cannot recall everything that happened that night or the following two days, so I will just try to explain it in the way I remember it best.

Around...midnight or one??? I was on fucking fire, so I went to my bathroom and decided to lie on the floor. The floor was hardwood and not at all cold, and it wasn’t fucking comfortable even in that state, but I was just in so much pain I didn’t even care. My mom must’ve heard because she found me there and asked me what I was doing. I said something about the floor. She asked me to go back to bed, but I must’ve scared her because she asked me if I wanted her to lie in the bed with me. I don’t remember what I said to her, but we were in the bed and she was trying to hug me, but she was too warm and so I told her to stop. I kept feeling this burning just below my chest, like there was acid in me (which I guess wasn’t too far off), so I would randomly sit up to try and alleviate the pain and not cry. I remember asking my mom to take me to the hospital in the morning.

My mom put me in the truck (I think around 5 am is what she told me). I remembered hearing my dad. I was lying down. Then I was awake, but I was on the floor. I thought this was wrong so I tried to tell my mom that but I guess I couldn’t talk. Then I was in a hospital bed, the ER I assume. My mom gave me some water with a sponge, and I was just so fucking thirsty. Then I was in the ICU hooked up to a bunch of machines. I didn’t know what was going on, but my mom kept giving me water with that sponge. That is all I remember from Monday.

I remember a little bit more from Tuesday. My mom said something about diabetes, but that didn’t make any sense to me because I wasn’t “fat” and I’d been losing weight, even! What had I done to get diabetes? I was thirsty and tired, so I slept a lot. At some point I really needed to use the restroom so I unhooked my IV???? (I mean I must’ve disconnected myself somehow but I can’t remember the details) which set off a shit ton of alarms and people were Very Concerned and kept asking me Why Did You Do That? But I just needed to go to the restroom, and they told me to use the Red Button to Call the Nurse (it was already there, and I now realize that we’d probably had a similar conversation about the Red Button to Call the Nurse possibly multiple times before this) in the future. A Chopped Teen Tournament from 2017 was playing on the TV nonstop. There were commercials for CGMs. I thought that God wasn’t being very funny about the whole thing.

As of now I remember even less of Wednesday, but I know that felt better. There was this diabetes specialist who kept talking about insulin and life at college moving forward, but I wasn’t really there, either because of being so out of it for health reasons, disassociating, or a combination of the two. My mom told me she had emailed a professor so he would give me an extension on an assignment that was due by then, and I remember crying because I thought that was just so nice of him. That night, this guy got me in a wheelchair and put me in another room, which I would later learn was the ACU. My night nurse was this nice woman named Tanya, who had a very thick Eastern European accent. She got me orange juice to take some potassium pills, but it felt like swallowing rocks. I didn’t really get a lot of sleep, so I was awake when the nurses changed shifts. I remember one of them expressing surprise that I was out of the ICU so early.

My mom took longer to come that day because nobody had told her I’d been moved. I’d had plain Cheerios and orange juice for breakfast, but I couldn’t really eat because my throat hurt so badly. I talked to a lot of doctors. I guess at this point or somewhere near it I accepted that I had diabetes, but it wasn’t really real until the same diabetes specialist was going over carbs. I thought I was never going to eat shit I liked ever again. I really wanted a fucking McChicken sandwich. I signed some papers for Medicaid because I had aged out of the CHIP while in the hospital. I finally texted my friends and explained to them what had happened. I was so fucking tired.

I got out the next day, so that was Thursday. Normally, I would’ve been in the hospital much longer (especially because my Medicaid hadn’t been approved, meaning no insurance had approved of my insulin yet), but Covid cases were on the rise and the hospital wanted me out of there. The diabetes specialist and one of my nurses snuck me two fast-acting and two basal insulin pens, and I was out. I ate half a McChicken, a small fry, and drank my first Diet Coke. It tasted like diesel mixed with piss. 

That’s the gist of it. The hospital staff was very nice and thoughtful the entire time, I think. I felt as though everyone involved cared about my health a lot. 

For those of you who aren’t T1D or just don’t know, what I experienced is called DKA, short for diabetic ketoacidosis. To simplify, I was very close to entering a diabetic coma. My sister later told me that our dad had said (I assume a doctor had told my mother, who, in turn, had told him) that I was “approximately 45 minutes” away from death. DKA happens when a diabetic (usually a T1D like me) has too much blood sugar in their body due to them lacking the insulin necessary to break the sugar down, so their body breaks down their fat reserves and muscle to get the energy it needs. This is why I lost around 50 pounds over the course of a few months (I was 118 lbs. when I entered the hospital, the lowest I’ve been since grade school). I was officially diagnosed with T1D on November 30th, just ten days after my 19th birthday, which is a little older than normal I believe. It’s...well, it’s not fun, but I feel very grateful for my large support system, and tomorrow I’m trying out a CGM for the first time and applying for both it and a pump, so things are really looking up 

[infertilitysucksblog]

Where do I even start?

This shit sucks. I am angry at the world. And no one gets it. 

I don’t care if no one sees this. I just needed to start something to write my feelings down. Because shit, there are a LOT of feelings when it comes to infertility. I usually feel my feels pretty good on a normal day so this has been peachy to say the least. 

Let me start with some background:

We started trying to get pregnant in April of 2019. Two years after we got married. For years and years, I was a psycho person about doing everything in my power to NOT get pregnant. I was on birth control since I was 16 and still forced my husband to wear a condom at all times. And yet, I would still panic some months and take pregnancy tests while crying and begging for them to be negative. 

And now look at me. It’s like the universe’s cruel, cruel joke. All that money wasted on pregnancy tests. HA. 

We made an appointment with my regular OB/GYN in January of 2020 when we were realizing things weren’t clicking. She referred us to a fertility specialist and we had our initial appointment in February 2020. Immediately following, we both went for testing. I had bloodwork, a transvaginal ultrasound and a HSG done. The HSG was really, really uncomfortable but basically all of my testing showed that all my levels were perfect for someone my age and that my fallopian tubes have zero blockages or cysts. All gravy. Simultaneously, Andrew was going for a semen analysis (SA). NBD. JK! It’s a very big deal when your husband’s SA comes back with ZERO sperm. Literally, not one single sperm. Oh, cool this is great. Doc says lets retest, sometimes it can be a fluke thing. Ok, he retests. Still zero sperm. This isn’t good.

His reproductive urologist brings us in and does an ultrasound on Andrew’s testicles (one of the more ridiculous sights I’ve ever seen) and confirms that there are no blockages or anything that should be causing his zero sperm count. Great, awesome.

We have a long meeting with his urologist who says that Andrew’s testosterone levels came back crazy low. While this isn’t definitely what was causing the zero count, it could be contributing to that. Since taking testosterone directly can make you sterile (huh, what?), the doctor recommended that Andrew start taking Clomid and Anastrozole. Both prescriptions typically given to a woman. Basically, if you up the estrogen levels in his body, it will trick his system into thinking oh crap, I need to create more testosterone. Our heads were spinning but we listened to him. The doctor also suggested he try to lose some weight as extra fat cells can create extra estrogen, blah blah blah. 🙄

Meanwhile, we have another appointment with my doctor. She explains how squeaky clean all my testing came back and then lays the bomb on us. You are too fat for IVF. 

Say what? I have been overweight (or obese, I guess) since....FOREVER. This lady wasn’t telling me anything I didn’t know. But I guess I just didn’t think it would impact this shit. I was so mad at myself for letting myself get to a point where my BMI was the problem. I had to lose 65lbs to get BMI clearance before we could start any sort of fertility treatment. 

Boy, was I in for a ride. More on that later. 

[madamebaggio]

Hot night for Sansa Stark and Arthur Pendragon.

Things just got pretty serious between Rockstar Arthur Pendragon and Pop Princess Sansa Stark. The couple was caught in a very intimate moment during a party at Producer William Hart’s house. Inside sources say they “were all over each other the whole night”, with Arthur introducing Sansa as his girlfriend to his friends. After a few moments in a dark room, the couple retired for the night, clearly for a more intimate moment. 

Chapter 10 

It was Shae’s frantic knocking that woke Sansa up. She had a bad feeling before she even got to the door, because this wasn’t normal. Shae didn’t go around knocking on her door like the house was on fire. Something had happened.

“Sansa…” Shae spoke softly as soon as Sansa opened the door.

“What happened?” Sansa demanded.

Shae just sighed and passed her the tablet. It was a picture of her and Arthur, clearly taken from inside the house. Someone -one of the guests -had found them kissing and taken a picture. They had just kissed, because Arthur was serious about respecting her wishes, and she’d liked him even more for it.

However, she had been sitting on his lap, and -as nobody knew what happened after that -it was easy to assume it had been way more heated that it’d actually been.

And it was what the headline suggested.

“Hot night for Sansa Stark and Arthur Pendragon.”

“Sansa…” Shae called softly.

“Does Brienne already know?” She asked.

“She called me.” Shae admitted. “She isn't happy. She wanted to kill Bedivere, because it was a private party, this shouldn’t have happened.”

“It’s not his fault.” Sansa sighed. “How about Arthur?”

“He didn’t call me, but he has your number.”

Yes, he did, and if he hadn’t called, something wasn’t right. “I’ll call him.”

***

Arthur had gone out for a long run that morning, and that was the reason he didn’t have his phone and didn’t know what was going on.

However, as soon as he got to his apartment and opened the door, he knew something had happened, because Bedivere was there and he wasn’t happy.

“Arthur…”

Arthur ignored him and went straight to his phone, because if Bedivere was looking at him like that, the chances of it having something to do with Sansa were big.

“Don’t talk to her until I speak.” Bedivere asked.

Arthur paused, the phone in his hand. He could see that Sansa had already called him four times. “Then talk fast.”

“Someone took a picture of you two kissing at the party.”

“How? The curtains were pulled closed.”

“It was from inside the house.” Bedivere admitted.

“What?” Arthur growled. “Who was it?”

“I don’t know yet…”

“Then find out!” Arthur snapped. “This is unacceptable, Bedivere, and not only because of Sansa. Everybody that was invited was a friend, people I thought I could trust.”

Bedivere pressed his lips together, like he wanted to say something, but then he just nodded. Arthur didn’t even bother in continue this conversation -but, fuck, he’d need to apologize later, Bedivere didn’t deserve to be treated like this -he pressed the button to call Sansa.

She answered on the second ring. “Arthur! Where have you been?”

“I’m sorry, Sansa, I was running.” He pressed the heel of his hand against his eye. “Are you fine?”

“No.” She sighed. “I hate this. Have you seen the picture? Have you read the article?”

“No, and neither should you. I know…” He pressed when he heard the beginning of a protest. “I know this isn’t…” He sighed. “This is my fault.”

Sansa sighed. “That took a turn. Arthur, it’s not. I don’t blame you, ok? I don’t know if you think I do, but I don’t. It’s just that… After everything with Cersei and Joffrey, I hate to be featured in a tabloid like this.”

“And you aren’t wrong. I hate this too.” He took a deep breath. “I’ll find out who did it, okay?”

She sighed once again. “Ok. Call me.” And she hung up, leaving Arthur with a whole on his chest.

***

It didn’t take long to find out who was responsible for that. Bill had a lot of contacts, and through that they found out what happened.

Rubio -the boy from the comics -had been invited to the party. He took the picture and send it to a friend, and this friend sold it.

The boy insisted he didn’t know his friend would do that, but it wasn’t the point. He took the fucking picture, and this was the main problem. It was such a breach in privacy that Arthur told Bedivere to cancel the comic. He didn’t care if he had to personally pay some kind of fine, if he was sued or whatever.

Even if it hadn’t been a picture of them together, even if Sansa wasn’t involved, this was unacceptable.

And the tabloids were having a field day with it. This was what Arthur hated the most: the supposed ‘close friends’ telling what was happening, people talking about them as if they knew them, fuckers who had the nerves of calling themselves ‘specialists’ evaluating their relationship.

Besides all of that, there were still fans from both sides giving their opinion about it, as if Sansa and Arthur were their property and they had rights to their relationship somehow.

He was so fucking pissed that Bedivere had confiscated his phone, worried that he’d start some sort of Twitter war with everyone.

His bandmates were supportive, and they were also angry about the situation.

And Sansa… After the story got traction and became more than just one picture on a tabloid, she became distant, sending less messages and hardly ever answering her phone. Arthur was getting concerned that this whole circus would make him look like too much trouble to her.

So when he called Shae to ask how things were and she told him that Sansa had gone to visit her parents, he had a minute of panic.

Then he decided that fuck it, he was going after her.

***

Sansa hadn’t meant to run away from the situation. She really hadn’t, and she wasn’t proud of herself.

However, as the days passed and the subject wouldn’t die she fell into a spiral. She started remembering how were things right after she left Joffrey and broke her contract with Cersei, all the people analyzing her situation and giving opinions and saying terrible things about her.

Those flashbacks took her to a dark place: the days when she was convinced she was fat and needed to lose weight urgently, the days when she was worried Joffrey might slap her, but still worried he’d leave her, when she wanted to please Cersei so badly she’d talk shit about her own family.

She didn’t want to run, but she had to. She felt like a mess, and she worried that Arthur would give up on her because of all that. She called her therapist and tried to calm down, but she realized she needed her mother. Desperately.

Catelyn was waiting for her with open arms when she went to Montana. She let her daughter cry on her shoulder.

“You know… I had my doubts about that boy, but…” She gave a resigned sighed. “He doesn’t seem so bad. Why don’t you call him?”

“What if he thinks I’m too much work?” Sansa asked, for the first time voicing that fear.

“Then he doesn’t deserve you.” Cat told her simply. “And I know it’s easy for me to say this, I know.” She insisted. “But you deserve so much love, Sansa. It really hurts me to see you thinking you don’t.”

Sansa had nothing to say to that. She’d worked so much on herself, her therapist had been so good and patient, but she didn’t feel like she was better. She was still running, wasn’t she?

“Sansa?”

Sansa and Cat turned to Ned, who was hovering by the door. “Yes, dad?”

“That Pendragon boy is here.” He told her, like he couldn’t believe it himself.

“What?” She almost fell from the couch.

“He is here.” Her father repeated. “He didn’t come in, he told me he’d wait to see if you wanted to talk to him.”

Sansa looked at her mother. “The choice is yours, darling.” Cat indicated. “But, for what’s worth, he deserves an answer too.”

Sansa sighed and got up, thanking her dad.

Arthur was outside, leaning against a motorcycle, looking so much like the bad boy he was supposed to be, that Sansa couldn’t hold back a smile.

“This is turning into stalking.” She said as a greeting. “How did you find me?”

 He shrugged. “Your sister.”

 “Traitor.” She grumbled, but it was without heat. ‘What do you want?”

 “To give you a ride, Red.” He offered her a helmet. “Hop on.”

She didn’t hesitate to grab the helmet and climb on the bike. If there was one thing Sansa knew, it was that she could trust Arthur.

“I know where we can go.” She offered.

Arthur nodded and drove away. She’d point turns to him, but they didn’t go that far. Her parents’ state was big, but she had a favorite spot.

Once they got there she took off her helmet and climbed off. Arthur did the same.

“I’m glad you decided to see me, Sansa.” He told her honestly.

“I’m sorry I left.” She told him simply.

“I’m not angry or anything. It’s okay that you need space, sometimes I do too.” He told her. “But… If we… If this happens… Can you please talk to me before taking off?”

Her heart stopped for a second. “You still want to do this?”

“Of course I do. Nothing changed, Sansa.” He took a deep breath in. “Unless you’re actively fighting against it. I gave up a long time ago.”

 Sansa snorted. “Can you imagine the headlines? Princess of the Pop and Bad Boy of the Rock?”

 “I honestly don’t care. Do you?” There was real concern in his voice now.

“I’m afraid of disappointing you.” She admitted.

“Why would you?” He asked kindly.

“Because you’re so brave, and I’m here hiding.”

“I’m not brave, Red.” He came closer and picked her hand up. “I’m fucking terrified. I flew all the way here…”

“Rented a bike…”

“I have a reputation to keep.” He agreed smoothly. “Just because I was scared that you were about to ditch me.”

Sansa seemed horrified by the thought. “Me? I thought you were going to realize I’m a mess.”

“Well, you are a mess -a hot one, by the way…”

Sansa snorted, but Arthur didn’t stop. He cupped her face. “But I’m nowhere near perfect. I’m also a bit of a mess. And I don’t care if you need time, if you need space. Whatever you need, if I can give it to you, I will. I want to be by your side. I just hope you want me there.”

“For chrissake!” Her voice was teary. “Why do you have to be so good?”

Arthur chuckled and rested his forehead against her. “I’m not, don’t feed my ego. It doesn’t require help.”

Sansa’s chuckle was a bit watery. “So you want to try?”

“I do.” He told her honestly. “Can we do this together?”

“One condition.” She told him seriously.

“Name your price.” He replied immediately.

“A duet.” She grinned up at him.

Arthur barked a laughter. “You want us to sing together?”

“Yes, and I already have the song.”

His grin became a thing of beauty. “Whatever you want, Red.”

***

Notes: So this was supposed to be the last one, but I felt it’d be too rushed if I kept it that way.

As it has been a looooong while since I updated this, you can check the full work on my AO3 page.

We’ll have a short chapter to close the story and talk about the duet ;)

Also, I used Rubio like this, because he clearly gave the resistance up on the movie, so he’s clearly not to be trusted.

Fine, I might be bitter about that.

[wildlyminiaturesandwich]

Do you have pcos? or any kind of health problem that makes it hard for you to lose weight? I'm just curious, don't answer it if you don't feel comfortable

Ok so I got a couple messages asking this same thing, as well as people suggesting that “just lose weight and then try again”, so I’m gonna put a bunch of information (and I mean A BUNCH of information) under a cut here that explains everything and why “just losing weight” isn’t a solution nor is it the problem. Like, at all.

If you don’t want to read all of this, you really don’t have to. There’s a TL;DR at the bottom and I wouldn’t blame you for just scrolling straight there and skipping my rant lol

I don’t have PCOS, no, my weight is mostly a “side effect” of my mental health and years of trying different medications to help with that. Just in case some people aren’t aware, two of the most common side effects of anti-depressants are increased appetite and weight gain. That coupled with one of the two most common symptoms of chronic depression — lack of energy and motivation — means that over the years I’ve slowly put on weight.

Even though every doctor insists on telling me I’m overweight and need to lose weight as though I’m completely oblivious to my own body and such an idea as losing weight has never occurred to me before, I have in fact tried to lose weight many many times over the years with very little success no matter how healthily I ate and how much I exercised. The only time I have ever had success was back in my 20s when I switched to a gluten and dairy free diet to try to fix another issues I was having with my gut. This is why, in the past few weeks, Mr Sandwich and I have been slowly switching our diets to be gluten and dairy free.

BUT even though I am doing that, and exercising as much as I can with my limited energy, it’s not enough. I can lose weight, sure, but I can’t lose enough weight quickly (and safely) enough to be able to do IVF, which I’ll get to in a minute. So it’s not always as simple as “just lose weight”, everyone is different and despite what most people think, a lot of overweight people don’t chose to be that way. Why anyone would think that is beyond me, but a lot of people do and because of this you get people treating fat people as less than human, as though we’re not worthy of any kindness or sympathy because obviously we had to have done this to ourselves, right?

This is also why I get so annoyed when people equate being overweight to being unhealthy. The whole “overweight people are twice as likely to die early” bullshit is nonsense! Sure sometimes it’s the case, but not always. I am not medically unhealthy at all. Apart from being unable to conceive and my mental health issues, neither of which are a symptom or side effect of my weight, I am actually perfectly healthy. Over the past few years I’ve had every test anyone could come up with to try to find out why I wasn’t falling pregnant and that includes things like liver, kidney and thyroid function, cholesterol, diabetes and blood sugar tests, blood pressure, the list goes on. Everything everyone always associates with fat people, all of it was tested, and everything came back perfectly normal. I had a doctor literally say to me “If I hadn’t seen you in person, I would never have known you were overweight based on these results”, which just goes to show you how biased even doctors can be.

Warning: If you don’t wanna learn some interesting stuff about fertility and reproduction, don’t read any further.

So why am I trying IVF if I’m healthy?

Fun fact: When a woman talks about her “biological clock” ticking, it’s not even a joke; a woman’s biological clock is like a clock counting down from the moment she’s born… or maybe it’s more like an hourglass? Either way, unlike men, who can produce viable sperm from the time they hit puberty until the day they die, women have all the eggs they will every have in their entire life already tucked away in their tiny little ovaries from the moment they form as a fetus. That ovarian reserve starts at around 6-7 million follicles during the fetal stage, by the time that new baby girl is born that number has already dropped to 1 million, and by the time she hits puberty she’s only got about 300,000 left. Of those 300,000, only about 300-400 will be ovulated during her entire lifespan. That number obviously continues to decrease when a woman ovulates each month right up until they run out and that is when the woman will go through menopause, and there is no way to raise that amount either. Once the eggs run out, that’s it, there’s no more. Pretty grim huh?

By my age (35), a women with perfect reproductive health will have an AMH (Anti-Müllerian hormone, essentially an indicator of how many eggs you have) level of around 5.1 pmol/L (2.3 ng/mL) but for some reason, my ovaries seem to think I’m actually50. My AMH level is 0.3 pmol/L (0.1 ng/mL), which is considered EXTREMELY low and essentially what that means is I will never be able to conceive naturally. My only chance to conceive and carry my own biological child will be through IVF.

Now, it’s super important to note that low AMH has absolutely nothing to do with weight. There are a lot of different reasons that AMH levels can be low and they could be anything from hormone imbalance to a side effect of cancer treatments, from smoking to mumps. My hormones are normal, I’ve never had cancer or mumps, and I don’t smoke; in my case, it’s most likely due to constant and severe amounts of stress (like years and years of it). But seeing as there’s no medical way to test that, the cause of my low AMH has been deemed by my doctor as idiopathic (unknown). So while weight does have some affect on conceiving naturally, in my case it wouldn’t matter how much I weighed because my AMH level would still be low even if I wasn’t overweight.

In Australia, there are these wonderful things called Low Cost or Bulk Bill IVF clinics. At a private IVF clinic you’d be looking at about $10-15k (Aussie dollars) a cycle for IVF, but at a bulk bill clinic they can charge as little as $800! Unfortunately at these low cost clinics you’re not able to chose your doctor either, you just get whoever is available so that’s a problem too. But the way they’re able to keep costs low is a combination of Medicare rebates (Australia’s free health care system) and the fact that they don’t use full sedation during egg collection which costs a buttload of money because anesthetic. They use a combination of local anesthetic and twilight sedation, which means lower cost for the patient, it’s win win… unless you’re overweight. For reasons I have yet to figure out — because not a single clinic can come up with any reason every time I ask — most clinics demand you be under a certain weight before they’ll treat you. I’m not going to tell you my exact weight but it’s not anywhere near this stupid limit.

Another fun fact: This weight limit is non-existent in private clinics but I don’t have, nor could I get, $10-15k. The fertility specialist I spoke to yesterday also suggest bariatric (lap band) surgery as though that were an actual viable option. Like, listen lady, if I had the money for that (anywhere between $5-20k), don’t you think I would be using that to go to a fat-friendly private clinic instead of talking to your rude arse at a low cost clinic?! 

This all brings me back to the TL;DR of it:

Here’s the problem I’m facing. A year ago when my AMH (egg supply) was tested it was 1.4 pmol/L (0.6 ng/mL), which was already very low then, but it’s dropped down to 0.3 pmol/L in a little over a year, so at that rate I’m going to run out of eggs and be hitting early menopause most likely before the end of the year. At 35 years old.

Merry Christmas to me.

This has nothing AT ALL to do with my weight but for some reason these IVF clinics have a weight limit and there is absolutely no way I can lose enough weight (safely and healthily) before I run out of eggs, hence why I’m so mad. Even if I had barbaric surgery it still wouldn’t be enough time! None of these stupid clinics give a shit about that, all they keep saying is “lose weight and then come back to us”, as though I have all the time in the world!

My only options now are to a) rob a bank and take my fat arse to a private clinic. b) rob a bank, get myself some bariatric surgery and take a buttload of speed to lose weight SUPER fast, and then take myself to a low cost clinic. c) rob a bank and use the money to buy a baby. Or d) continue to do as I’ve been doing and will continue to do regardless of what happens and that’s lose weight the safe and healthy way and run out of eggs while I’m at it.

Last fun fact of the post: All of this could have been avoided had my stupid GP tested my AMH levels 5 YEARS AGO when I asked him to! It would have been low then as well but not as low so I would have had more time AND back then I would have just scrapped in under the ridiculous weight limit!

/rant

[theoreocat]

Pets and Mental Health

Mental Health. It’s something that can go awry for any of us. Whatever the reasons behind it be it medical or personal, it can affect anyone. Throughout my life, I battled with an Anxiety disorder that gave way to depression and panic attacks. My mental health was often compromised while those around me searched with incomprehension for ways to help. I can remember as far back as 9 or 10 years old. I would often have severe panic attacks when in unfamiliar places or gatherings with large groups. As a child, my favorite thing to do was sit behind my dresser and read by myself in the quiet. Being in loud places made me feel like I was losing a sense of control and I would begin to break out in rashes or feel like I could not breathe. As I got older, the problem grew with me. My teenage years were so filled with anxiety I sometimes could not even eat. When I was 16, I went to see the social worker at school of my own accord and told her I felt like something was wrong but I didn’t know what. I just didn’t want to eat. I had lost so much weight I looked sickly. She had us meet together with my parents to discuss the situation and they all agreed to send me to an eating disorder specialist. It was like walking into Hell, if ever I could guess what Hell might feel like. They poked and prodded me and put me on a strict diet and told me I could not do any form of exercise whatsoever. Oddly enough, no one asked what was going on inside my head. I was never afraid to be fat. My panic attacks could come at any given time. During class at school, during lunch, or even during dinner with my family. If I was eating when a panic attack set in, I could not digest my food. I would literally bend over and throw up. So, I became scared to eat.

The best moments from my childhood and teenage years always involved animals. I was the luckiest kid ever to have two of my very own ponies. I can still remember what it felt like to sit on my pony’s back and the feeling of her lips and teeth on my hand when I’d give her a sugar cube. My teenage years were blessed by my dog, Trixie. I don’t know how I would have gotten through them without her. When things seemed too overwhelming, sitting and snuggling with her would put me in a safe place and help give me back my strength. As the years went by and I got older, I learned how to better control my anxiety and panic attacks. They would still pop up every now and then, and I was still not able to eat, but little by little I learned how to cope with it. When I first moved out of my parent’s house, I got my first cat, Sunshine.

I don’t think I would have been able to live on my own without her. I had just gotten my first job at an animation studio. I was working on an animated TV show. Never go into television if you have severe anxiety! I can remember being sick at work some days when the office got too loud or too crowded. To help avoid the problem, I asked to be put on the night shift. It helped somewhat, but I still wound up getting panic attacks when the company would have outings of any sort or events with big groups. Going home to Sunshine always calmed me and helped make me ready to face the next day. She was there for me job through job, move through move and change through change.

10 years ago, I got married to whom I thought was a good man at the time. Throughout our whole marriage, the anxiety remained and I still had panic attacks. I can remember a few times where he actually got upset at me instead of trying to understand. The stress and anxiety seemed to triple during the years we were married. There were many times that I was sick from panic and many times I did not say a word because I feared what he’d say if I did. My cats were my rocks. They were the ones who were there for me no matter what. Never judging, always loving. I don’t think I would have been able to survive that marriage, or to make all the changes I had to make in order to move on if not for them. I am so grateful and so thankful to have them in my life.

Oreo is amazing. He can be a real diva, but when I am feeling anxious, I can always rely on him to help the situation in some way shape or form. Whether it’s by doing something ridiculously cute, insanely funny or just simply coming to sit with me unexpectedly, you can always count on him.

Onyx is probably the most in tune with my emotions. She is at my feet within seconds if I am feeling stressed or anxious. I’ve had two mini panic attacks since I moved away from my ex and she was on my lap instantly with her nose in my face. She will stay there until I calm down and just purr. The sound of her purr helps everything to pass much easier. My favorite thing of all is when she gets under the covers with me at night and lets me hold her like a teddy bear in my arms. We can fall asleep like that. It’s the most wonderful feeling.

There’s no question about it. When it comes to Mental Health, pets can help keep you in check no matter what's going on. They really are the best medicine. To all of those who have suffered, to those who have yet to suffer, and to those who have seen a loved one suffer. You are strong, you are amazing, you are you. Be proud because there is no other quite the same. Always remember that it’s OK to not be OK. We will stand with you!

[coffethoughts]

Thyroid

Chapter: My Thyroid is an Asshole

Hey I'm Thyroid and I'm an asshole.

Just kidding, thyroids can't talk.

I'm here to talk for it. To tell you what the doctors don't because you deserve to know your thyroid is in fact an asshole.

Many of you don't even know where or what a thyroid is, if you know it's in the neck, that is a good start, and if you can tell me what a thyroid does, then that is even better. Though Most of you can't, most of you have no idea what a thyroid does. I hardly knew, but it's basic though. It does everything. It is the sole purpose of your existence. I know everyone says your brain, heart, lungs etc. And yeah those are kind of big deals...But your thyroid controls those. Its the motherboard to the body. A little study session for us all:

Basic thyroid knowledge; The thyroid is a TWO INCH LONG (2 inches people, who says size matters) butterfly shaped gland in the front of your neck that controls your metabolism (we all know what a metabolism is right? Go google it if not, that’s not what this story is about) the thyroid is part of your endocrine system, which makes hormone chemicals. Those hormones help control many of your bodies functions. There are two hormones made by the thyroid gland that help regulate your metabolism, which helps break down what you eat to make energy. They can also effect how fast your heart beats, how deep you breath, whether or not you gain or lose weight, body temperature, cholesterol levels, women’s menstrual cycles and a lot more.

So to sum it up... If your thyroid decides to stop doing its job. You need to come to terms with it. You need to understand the changes your body will make, and it won't be easy. You're going to get irritated, tired, cranky, warm, possibly fat or skinny, mad, forgetful, agitated and you won't know why, half the time there is no “why”. I’ll tell you one thing, you need a good support system, someone who will research, listen, tolerate, help and care for you… I had that. That was the easiest part of going through all of this, still going through it. This change, the changes, the tests, the pills, the new ways of life will always change, you will change. Keep that support system, tell them what you’re going through, always talk about anything on your mind, do not do it alone, do not keep anything hidden. If it the right person, they will not judge, leave, embarrass, or dislike you.

Now I know I was a brat growing up, but who wasn't. I was a kid. I always had energy. Never depressed. No anxiety or care in the world. And you know what, maybe I do now because I'm older and the world is a tough place. Or maybe my thyroid is just an asshole.

Who knows.

What I do know is no matter the change, no matter what is happening I understand, and I can control it. I can’t change what happened, I can’t change that I no longer have one, or what happened to it. But I can control what happens in my life and how I deal with it.

Diagnosed at sixteen, tests until I was eighteen, let me tell you, scared of needles before, I'm not now. Poked and prodded to tell me what, that I have a "super common cancer" and it'll be an easy fix. HA! Imagine it was easy. I mean ok it was an easy fix to remove and to recover. Moving from the wheelie bed to the room bed… not easy. Try this just lay down on the floor and move, still laying, from one spot to the other and really focus on how much neck muscle you use… picture that after just having surgery.

Side note, to the person who paid for my single room, thank you, who ever you were, to the nurses that kept waking me up to take my blood who I saw at dairy queen and you remembered me, thank you. To the volunteers who gave me a card making craft book, thank you, to the family and friends who brought me teddys and magazines and books, thank you and to all the doctors involved in the surgery, the diagnosis, the tests, everyone. Thank you.

They didn't put in small print "side effects, everything you came to know about your body will change" The thing they don't tell you is it literally controls everything. The best thing now is to research, explain, ask questions, talk to others, take your medication, go to the check ups, learn how to deal with the changes, learn to identify what is you and what it your thyroid, learn to control, learn to talk about it.

Chapter; College

Last year (5 years after surgery) during my first year of college. 7 hours from home. I was tired all the time. I napped every day, if I didn't I was falling asleep in class. I forgot assignments and test answers even when I studied for days. I was also depressed and scared, worried, had little panic attacks, honestly didn't know why. I mean I was away from home and "alone" but I was happy.

I mean I have been forgetful my entire life, I was tested in high school for a learning disorder (thanks mom) and they said I was learning at a grade twelve level, in grade nine.. No big deal, just a genius is all… they said my issue was forgetting it all… two second forget… and I have had panic attacks and I’ve been anxious and all that fun stuff, but I was in a relationship I didn’t know how to be in at that time, or high school where everyone is mean, and I moved from home when I was young into a huge new province, so I thought I had reasons to be who I was. Then when I went to college, the “best years of my life” I wasn’t happy, or who I was and things were changing more and more and it was so confusing. I was so lost.

I started doing research. I looked up symptoms and causes and side effects and what thyroid cancer does because I didn't know. I was just told it had to be removed, who am I to argue with a doctor or mother. I read and read and read, I found out a lot. Full disclosure this is just a bunch of thoughts and words I threw out onto an old laptop, I am not in any way a doctor, therapist, smart person etc. I am just telling you my life story regarding my thyroid and journey. Do your own homework, your own research, talk to people, professionals, I have my own opinion and ways to deal with everything, and you can take what you like or need, but this is not a documentary, just a girl and a computer.

I can't tell you it gets better. Because so far it hasn't. But finding out how to control it and deal with it gets easier. Especially when you know it was the problem in the first place. I mean if the doctors told me all this shit would happen, I would have had a lot better relationship with my mother. Well maybe. It's kind of disappointing when people don't believe you because they can't "see" it. It is hard to have a relationship when you get in trouble a lot for things you can’t control or things you don’t understand. "Well I can't see your cancer, so it probably doesn't exist, you're just looking for attention"

Compassion maybe.. Attention, yeah obviously. Everyone needs/wants attention. We are wired that way, but I am not making things up to get it. I didn’t post on Facebook when I was in the hospital, I don’t go around shoving my scar in everyone’s face, I don’t bring it up at parties to get pitty… I am who I am.. the scar happens to be on my neck, some people see it some do not. Move on.

But I wouldn't sleep 24 hours a day and forget a conversation that happened five seconds ago (And I'm not over reacting) for attention. Mom? Did you hear that! I'm not just looking for attention!

Anyways… A good way to come to terms is to talk about it. I don't enjoy talking about cancer, but to talk with your parents, siblings, and partners is a good idea. Explain what you learned, or research it together,

But talk about it. Because it does help. Research it. Talk to a thyroid specialist. It does help. And if you are on that pill. Take it! Do not miss days. It really messes with your head.

Chapter Dating your thyroid

I had a boyfriend. We dated for almost a year, ended pretty badly in the new year. And I decided to change my life and get my license and go to college. I didn't want to be sad over the break up. Or end up cleaning houses for the rest of my life.

I had a boyfriend before I went to school. But he was more of a best friend. I broke up with him a lot. He pissed me off. Well he pissed off my thyroid. And my thyroid made me do it. Not sure if he'll ever understand because at that point in my life I had no idea why it was happening. And now that I know, it doesn't seem like a big enough deal to track him down just to tell him why I was a dink. (I just assume he thinks it's because I'm a woman)

In the end we broke up for good. A week after I went away for school. Something about trust and me being an asshole. Which mad me mad. But now I can't blame him because it was me. It's always me. And I am completely ok with that. Now. I wasn't before because I blamed everyone else. But after getting sick and tired of being sad and angry all the time. I figured out what the problem is. And my life got easier.

I mean once I get depressed. I can't stop being depressed. But I know it's not for any real reason and I can not really "control" but be at ease with it. I'm not confused. I'm not stressed on looking for answers. Or creating problems that aren't there. Anger I am working on. I've been working on. And I've grown so much with it. I've come a long way. But still have a long way to go.

Now that I understand all my flaws are connected to one giant non existent thyroid. It's "easier" to be in a relationship. Kind of. I still need to convince the other person "it's not you, it's my thyroid" but what kind of first date is that.. Hey I'm Carissa and my Thyroid left a while ago and now I have "thyroid issues""

(Daddy issues, thyroid issues.. Get it? I just laughed for five minutes straight)

Anyways. Dating aside I actually have an amazing boyfriend. The one I had the bad break up with. We reconnected over a summer and trying long distance. It's been different. We've both grown for the better. And now that I have a better understanding of all this, it's easier to hold my anger and change it when theres no real reason for me to be mad.

I remember this one fight. Ended in me leaving with out saying good night. And he texted me saying "I can't keep playing these games" and thats when I asked him to research Thyroid cancer. Thats when I decided to tell him the garbage I've gone through over the last 7 years. And he has been working with me and I him the entire time. We've had one minor fight. And some arguments. But nothing major enough to be unhappy. He's been so understanding and helpful.

And it helps when you have people who care and understand. People you can talk to. With out feeling judged.

Chapter Size matters.

Are you gaining weight or loosing it. Do you have a hard time loosing or gaining weight. Well then you could have a thyroid problem.. Or you just need to hit the gym. But most likely your thyroid is an asshole.

Society says hypocritical things every day about weight. Nothing will make everyone happy at once. And you think just because I'm skinny I have it all?! HA! I get picked on for my size a lot. I've been called everything from "skeletor" to "anorexic". Skinny people have feelings too. It's not my fault I'm this small, I'd love to put on some weight.

I remember this one time. I was at an amusement park at a water slide. You weren't allowed to wear shirts on this water slide. And why would you want to right? Well this girl who wasn't my size was told to remove her shirt. Her friends were a little bigger too, and as she walked all the way back down the stairs instead of taking off her top her friends started bad mouthing skinny people. Like somehow it was my fault I made her take her shirt off. They said things like "men like meat, not bones" knowing full well I was standing right there. I physically can not add weight unless I stayed pregnant for the rest of my life.. And you think I have anger issues now.. Imagine ‪24/7‬ pms for ever. No thank you.‬‬‬

So for a complete stranger to judge me on my body and have no idea what I have gone through and what I will go through for the rest of my life is unfair right? Well put on your big girl panties and get over it. Because nothing about life is fair. Once you except that. You'll be happier.

Maybe she goes home and thinks the exact same thing. I have no idea what she goes through. Maybe her thyroid is over active? Maybe she was made fun of or her parents got divorced and food is comfort. Because we were wired to think that way about food. Some peoples metabolisms are just faster.

What ever the case with those girls. Its their case to work through. And this is mine. I understand I will always be talked about. And I will talk about people. We all do it. I try not to, but once again we were wired that way. Born to judge, society made it "ok".

Judge me on my size, my inability to control my mood swings, my love or need of sleep. It doesn't effect me. It's my life now. And I don't want to waste anymore time on people who don't love me for who I am, not what I look like. Because we all know size really does matter. But what matters more is how you feel about yourself. And I feel pretty damn good. Most of the time. Sometimes my lack of thyroid chimes in and kills the happyness for a little. But I find my way back.

Chapter. Family and you.

Chapter. You an your body.

I've changed a lot over the years. I like meat now. I drink coffee, ginger ale. I don't drink pop much. I don't use much salt.

Chapter. School and me

Grade one.. I peed the chair. Now I can't blame this on my thyroid.. No one knows if I was born with it or it just happened. But we'll say for the sake of the story. That it was my thyroid.. My thyroid gave me anxiety. Fear of rejection. Fear of being humiliated. Like if I ask to use the washroom and the teacher says no..

I don't know why I didn't ask... But I didn't move until everyone had left.

Weird how you remember those things..

Grade five my ear was bleeding. And at that point, my teacher didn't care. That, I have no explanation for. I don't know why she was a grade A A-hole.

Six and seven were tricky.. I was put in french emerge.. Why? I don't know. I barely spoke english properly. When it was the end of grade seven the teacher said "if she stays in french we'll have to hold her back a grade, but we can move her forward if we switch back to english." So we moved to Ontario. And I went Into english. Where I might add I tested at a grade twelve level. Just couldn't remember anything that was taught. Which was extremely hard to deal with, because to this day my mom believes nothing I say when I use the words "I forgot". Dishes, clean my room, pick up my sister, a C on a test. It was hard to deal with.. Having someone who is suppose to be there for you just assume it was all made up. And even after the diagnosis and her hearing the "side effects" from a doctor.

Anyways. I was the worst for tests and terminology. My drivers test.. Four times. The lady new my name. Literally when I finally passed it after the fourth one. She looks up. Says "Carissa... You passed" with a big smile. And every one clapped, no word of a lie. Thats how bad it is.

(I actually forgot the word "terminology" for a few minutes"

It's even hard to tell this story because I can't say I remember much. As ironic as that is.

Going to school was hard. I was in my bubble. Honestly didn't have too many real friends. I was still shy to be my self. I cared what people thought. Am I ever happy that changed. I'm a lot happy knowing I am who I am. Realizing that I can't please everyone even if I tried. At school I was something I was not. Someone I despised. And I regret all of it. I regret not going to class. Not trying. Not studying. But guess who didn't get pregnant? This girl!

And I did graduate. And I guess I'm making it up in college. College is a lot easier then High School. Still drama, but that will be everywhere in life. We feed off it. Know that. And you'll be fine. College is less time spent in class, less cliques. More space. A lot of the days aren't straight through 8 to 3.

In college. I am who I was born to be. With friends and dreams and good grades. I am proud of what I accomplished. And knowing the whole memory thing. It's easier to try harder. And knowing I have to try harder just makes me more proud when I did better on a test then a class mate with a functioning brain.

A lot of people would use this as a "learning disability" and I don't blame them. I have thought about it. I just don't want "freebies" in life. I want to work for it all like everyone else. And people like to believe "if I can't see it, it's not real". I'd assume it'd be a lot of paper work prove.

Chapter Sometimes

Sometimes I am scared. Scared of every creek and sound the house makes. When I'm alone I lose my shit.

I won't move from the couch (usually where I am) and I'll call my roommates or mom (depends where I'm living) for them to come home. And I don't even care if they think I'm a child. At least I'd be a safe child.

Other times I'm not afraid of anything. Nothing. Like this One year I went to this haunted park in Toronto and this man in a mask came up to me to try and scare me while I was reading a sign. I was so miserable and mad that I said "I'm reading, why would you do that?" He apologized and walked away.. If it was an off day for me. I would have cried, And probably pee.Most definitely would have peed.

Sometimes I'm sad for no reason. Or sad for a certain reason. Sometimes though, For the same reason I could be happy, Or mad, Or jealous.

It is confusing for me and people I'm around. Say for instance, my boyfriend. He came to visit. You think I'd be ecstatic and jumping up and down. Nope. I was sad.. Unexplainably sad. And that's annoying. Because I wanted to be happy.

Anyways. So obviously we have had intercourse. I mean come on, Im 24. He's.. Uh I think he's 25? It happened. Well before it didn't hurt and I didn't cry.. Well let me tell you that went out the window. I cried, unexplainably and then I cried more because I didn't know I was crying.

I wish there was more consistency in my life. Perhaps I got to see my boyfriend every weekend. Not just.. Sometimes.. Or I never got cramps or a three day head ache before my "special time" instead of sometimes. So I could expect it. Or be able to explain why I cry sometimes. Why I get over jealous sometimes. Why I'm afraid... Sometimes.

Sometimes I just want to know. It's hard not knowing. It's hard blaming it on my thyroid all the time. To blame my thyroid sometimes would be a relief. Because then I would know what the reasons are for the feelings and emotions I get. Then sometimes I could control them. That'd be nice. Control. Even if it's only sometimes control.

Chapter Don't miss a day

Seriously. If you have had your thyroid removed and now on some synthetic pills. Take them.. Don't mess around. I went a week without them and went mental. I was miserable to be around, distant, boring, mopey and cried a few times for no reason. And it was during March break. It's hard to tell what's you and what's your thyroid anymore. I smartened up and took my pills. Went back to normal, well my version of normal

Chapter the blame game

Chapter me again

Chapter maybe my thyroid didn't do this one.

It's hard to tell sometimes. Oh it's life.. If it would have happened sans Thyroid dismissal. But all in all it's happening. I am lonely. I am sad. And sick and my anxiety is scaring me and I am thinking of ways out and I am frustrated and crying a lot.

I woke up the other day with the flu. I think anyways. Could be a number of things. I'm no doctor and I'm not about to waste a doctors time with a simple silly cold. But any who... I woke up. Was sick, threw up, couldn't sleep, threw up and had a great sleep. But the entire time. I was being lectured and nagged. Not coddled like I wanted to be. All I wanted was love and affection like when I was a kid from my mom. But when you're a grown up who ate too much chocolate and might be sick from it. You don't get coddled. You get scolded. Basically you go to hell if you eat junk. Don't do it... I've eaten much more chocolate then that and haven't thrown up because of it.

Maybe it's me. Maybes it's all of us. Or maybe it's my thyroid. But I want someone to care so much that If I runaway. They'd come find me, hold me and tell me it's ok... That's all I have ever wanted. When we fight. I just wanted you to walk down the street. Knock on my door and hug me. Forget all the bad words we said to each other. Forget the hate and anger. And just love again. That's all I want right now. Being sick. Not having my family. I need my other home. I need you

Carissa melvin

Chapter... forgot your pill?

Oh god... I don't even know if I'm me right now. Remember a few chapters ago I mentioned anger. And how it may or my not have controlled me... well. It's controlling me right now. I can't handle it. It's getting the better of me. I broke up with that guy. The guy that kept me safe and made me feel I had a purpose. I left him. While he was out of the country... and you know what. I don't regret it. Like ya.. congrats you made me feel safe... but you didn't make me feel happy. Not enough anyways. And staying with you for the 47% happyness and your family that I love isn't worth it. I get one life. I want it to be a happy one 99% of the time. Doing life for me or for an "us". Not for you..

Well anyways. Needless to say. Last five months was not easy with him going back and forth whether he hated me or liked me or loved me. It was a roller coaster I wanted off a long time ago. I'm off now. I am completely off that train so it's good in that aspect. And hey don't get me wrong. I learned a lot about relationships, my self and how to handle certain things... but then... I stopped taking my pill... and I just got mad, angry, emotional. I was rude to people who didn't deserve it. I cried in the shower for twenty minutes as it was off... because this apartment (side note. I love being on my own now and the shower sucks) that I live in gets about four minutes of Luke warm water until it's the arctic... every time.

So anyways. No pill. New guy friend. Pms/late period. Means so many fucking emotions I don't feel like dealing with. Oh and also getting yelled at by my ex constantly.

When you forget your pill. You forget everything and your memory goes to shit... worse than it already is now and then you forget your pill... it's a shit cycle... something I didn't think I'd have to deal with because I had that guy reminding me all the time. Well. New guy doesn't exactly know because it's not something I love telling people... haha! Besides the entire world with this book.. but if you look at the back of the book my picture isnt there.. it's my cat. HAHAHAHA SO.. it's not the same. Also. Do we even know if thats my real name? I don't know anymore.

So I was like "I'm gonna be single for a year" because I'm never single. And I want to be free and do whatever I want and hangout with whoever I want... and then new guy comes. And he is pretty perfect. Little immature. And not ready to be a full adult yet. But a couple more HP points and he can upgrade to adulthood maybe. But it's his choice and at his pace. It's not something I need from him.

He spit out the "L" word a few times. Different scenarios. Haha. Freaking me out also the amount of times he brings up "shitting on a chest". I'm not completely convinced he isn't "into it".

But also I've been mentioning the word a little too much... November 27th. It's now February 13th and I already feel so much love for this man. Now it's silly because I'm convincing myself it's love and not just the idea of him. As in he is so nice to me and what a human should be to another human, or he's just 100% better than the other guy so I love he feeling of being this wanted?!? Do you he that? Love and relationships are hard. But I do feel I do love him. I feel we can accomplish a lot, just scared because he isn't one for commitment, or sticking around as he's told me.

So I could walk away and never know or just risk my heart to see where it goes. Well I love him and he makes me happy. So I'll just enjoy the ride for now

Dealing with all this snow, my apartment issues, my family and making time for them, exam, work, money and whatever else life throws at me is a lot easier with a positive aspect in my life. Even if I'm not sure how taking my pill has been? It's been a while since I've filled a new prescription.. but I still have quite a few left.. it's hard to remember. Anything..

Well I went for the ride. Crashed the roller coaster into the ground. I was dumped.

Chapter ... what happened last night

So that’s what sexual assault feels like.

Was it my fault. Was I the only one to name. It feels like it was my fault. I told someone it was my fault. They didn’t disagree

I didn’t need to take those shots I was being pressured into taking. Being called a pussy because I didn’t want shots of tequila. More then once that night. I didn’t ask for all the other drinks given to me but I didn’t refuse them either. I didn’t ask to go to this guys friends house with only men there. Well let’s not call them men. They all watched as this ones hands went around my neck. No one said a thing. But is it there fault. The bruises on my ass. Is it there fault or one because of the position I was in.

I don’t know what else I could have done. At that point when it was too late. I know what to do next time. Don’t drink. Don’t go out. But I have I live my life in fear because of other people’s actions. I didn’t have to drink. But he didn’t have to put his hands on my neck. Under my shirt. Down my pants.

I don’t want to blame other people. But I don’t want to be blamed by everyone. One guy literally said.. you’re great and hot so you have to be careful. I’m sorry what? I’m hot so I have to be careful of what I do for how long? A few more years until I’m not hot. And what the hell does that mean. Like not hot people don’t get raped. Is that a joke? That’s the dumbest fucking thing I’ve heard...

It sucks man. The fucking stigma of everything.

Th stigma of depression. Blonde girls. Rape. Cutting themselves. Suicide. Drinking. Drugs. All of it. People go through so much in their lives. Stop judging everyone. I can’t come forward and tell you what happened because you’ll judge me that I put myself in that position.. you’ll judge me on what I wore. How I ended up there how much I drank. Not him. You don’t know him. He just saw an opportunity and took it.

Chapter; sleep... Not enough, or not sure what it is

I'm going through that phase again where I am up very late at night because I can't sleep. Now who is to say that this is because of my thyroid. It could very well be the coffee at 7:00 pm that I never drink, or sleeping in until 12:00 pm that I never do... But bottom line is. I can't sleep. And my boyfriend is the lightest sleeper. So that means he can't sleep either. And it's a real inconvenience for the both of us. But what am I suppose to do. I can't sleep. My brain is going one hundred miles an hour... It's hard to get out of. And to top that off I'm being a real bitch for some reason. Or no reason. Or the reason is.. You guessed it. My thyroid is a jerk.. Haha you thought I'd say asshole.

Anyways. Being a tired bitch is the worst combination besides children and guns or carrots and chocolate. It doesn't go well together. And no one wants to be your friend. So... What do I do. Well just keep being a bitch obliviously... And get dumped. And move back to your moms and get them to avoid you until your left with this giant dog biting at your toes and drooling all over you... Or I could pull up my big girl pants and put a smile on. Watch some cat videos.

I heard if you smile for ten seconds straight. You'll be happy. Instantly. I've only made it to 8 seconds so far. Then I find something to be pissed about... Like how loudly that guy breaths... Or that dumb five year old starring at me... Yet to determine if what I heard was true. But try it and let me know.

I've been thinking about sleep a lot lately. And maybe it's being an adult now and I have shit to do and worry about. But I'm tired all the time. Even when I'm sleeping. I can feel me being tired. Ok maybe that's not true. But I mean. I've fallen asleep at the wheel slightly. I've fallen asleep in class... I need naps. I use to crash after work in the car (back seat, not driving) and no matter how much I slept. I needed more. I literally went a year without seeing my family. I would go to work. Come home and sleep from five pm until 8 am the next morning and I'd be off to work again. It was awful and I couldn't help it. That wasn't enough sleep. 15 hours wasn't enough. And sometimes it'd be more. If I got home at two or three. I'd be sleeping until the next morning. Never really eating. Never socializing. No chores. It was awful. My sister didn't understand. She was mad at me for never hanging out. Like I fucked up on purpose like I wanted to sleep.. i didn’t want it, I neeeeded it.

It's crazy how people don't believe it if they can't see it. Like I was saying earlier. Like no one could believe that I could sleep that much. I can guarantee you that I am not awake right now because I slept in. It's either coffee, which it probably is, or just one of those nights. A phase. But people think they know everything. So if they think I've over slept, it's got to be the sole reason I am awake now. Not because I have one hundred things on my mind. Like how am I going to work tomorrow... How am I going to handle Thursday when I am going to get yelled at for sure. Money for shit sakes. That is a big topic. Sexual frustration. How no one believes in me. No one thinks I can be professional at work. Because I'm myself outside of my job. How is that even fair. You want me to be boring and wear a suit my whole life... Do you understand how long it took me to be myself... Years and I am still working on it. And now I'm being told not to do that... Well guess what. I can do what ever the fuck I want to do. And I am going to. I am also going to be a professional at work. Like I have been for the last six months.

New chapter

So I'm back to not sleeping... which really irritates me because I've been so good with my medication. You guy wouldn't believe it (I didn't plural "guy" because let's face it. Only my mom picked up a copy, and by picked up...I mean I gave her one. Shout out to mama bear) where were we. Oh yes. Medication. Going in almost two months straight. One day I missed it in the morning. But took them after I got home from work when I remembered. Also a lot less stressed leaving the bank.. wait did I even tell you I was at the bank. Let me go check....

Nope. Ok so I was a financial advisor. Almost two years. Nice pay checks. Nice clothes. Nice hours. Benefits. But I hated it. It was just so incredibly stressful. The amount of work that was expected from us. Golly. Well. I think I may have sabotaged my job there. I had an exam to do. Well I had three to do in one year. And I waited until the last moment to start studying. Took it three times and did not pass... the bank let me go immediately. Even though I've been working without that dumb exam for the past two years.... give me at least two weeks notice.... it's expected of me if I were to quit...ah welll. Who needs them. I'm back with my old boss. Cleaning houses but more so boats. I love cleaning boats. I love the water and being outside. Holy this old man. He's a decent age. early nineties maybe. Offered me a "Bump" cleaning his boat. I respectfully declined. I told my mom about it. And she thought it was a dance. And her friend thought it was sex. I set them both straight. And if you guys don't know... urban dictionary it.

Anyways. That stuff doesn't happen every day or every boat. Just the once since I started cleaning boats back in 2011.

A lot does happen though. Broke a glass table top all over a big yacht and the boat next to it. Almost lost my pinky toe. Been to creepy places. No water usually which is hard to clean a boat or anything with out. Solid memories. I love the outdoors. And a boat that you cleaned is something you can feel good about. It looks amazing when you're done because boats don't really stain. Except the old ones. You have to stay on top of them.

But anyways. Stress free. This is an easy job. I go to work. Do what I told and come home. No quotas. No goals. Just clean. Which I'm good at and enjoy. Win win.

But I hate telling people I clean houses. And moving back in with my mom... everyone is living with their parents which is fine, I don't judge or care. But I don't want to. I like my space and privacy. I like not wearing clothes or pajamas. And not cleaning up after my self right away. I'll get to it. But I use to be proud and shock people saying I worked at a bank and they go "teller" and I say no a financial advisor.

Side story. Some dumb dumb at a bar was like. Oh you're a financial advisor, advise me on what to do with this 80k. Like are you joking. He whips out his phone and shows me his bank account. And I just ramble like I can't see your entire portfolio. Like I have no idea at this point. But in my head... I was thinking. PUT IT TOWARDS YOUR 400,000 mortgage or ASK YOUR WIFE... the wanker. What was he thinking. I'd drop my drawers because i saw 80k? Next to a joint account and his mortgage. Good Job buddy.

Any ways. I'm cleaning boats, but only for a month. I think. I had an interview at a dream job of mine. And I got the job. But I'm at a dilemma. I met a guy... always the story eh. Well the guy would. It want me working. Anywhere. He's old fashioned. The man works. The women takes care of the home. Which is amazing. Fuck sexism. If you want me to clean and cook all day. I'll do that. I know I can work. That's all I need. And then got me thinking about this job offer.

I put so much, still putting money into school that I went to for hotel and resort management. I have a plan. 14 years. And it won't work with this guy. But I don't even know if I'll be good at my plan. I don't know if il be good at this job this summer. I can't fucking swim... the job is white water rafting instructor... it's a little important.and you have to be responsible for people's lives and it's a huge party scene. And I'm over that.. and then my plans for travelling... like... I don't think I'd be good at travelling alone. And frugally. Budget 4K for the season. Gone in two weeks.

It's just hard to make a decisions. Because what if... what if I'm great at the white water. What if I love it. And I love travelling and then I own a resort OneNote day. What if I suck. What if someone drowns because of me. What if I drown. But on the other hand.. if this guy doesn't work out... what then... I ruined my chances.. I messed up my plan. And I'm older.

[ketohealthys]

how many calories should i eat to lose weight With Ultra Keto Burn

Ultra Keto Burn The Way To Lose Weight?

You have been consistently putting on weight for quite a long time and there doesn't appear to be anything you can do to stop it. You've been there, done that. In any case, nothing ever appears to work. You have since surrendered. You are presently almost OK with your weight. Be that as it may, it additionally doesn't prevent you from looking at the choices.

Which is for what reason you're here. Furthermore, maybe a keto supplement is actually what you have to at last start to get in shape. You don't need to be almost alright with your weight any longer. Since a keto supplement could get your weight reduction moving at a quicker rate, so you can see genuine outcomes. In any case, we aren't going to guarantee you that keto could thoroughly take care of you. A keto supplement could help get in shape somewhat more rapidly however! What's more, we believe that Ultra Keto Burn could be actually what you have to do that!

Does Ultra Keto Burn Work?

Ultra Keto Burn guarantees to enable you to consume fat quicker than any time in recent memory! The ketones inside this item could enable you to consume your fat with the goal that you can shed pounds. This item could basically recreate the ketogenic diet without the boundaries that you would regularly use to arrive. Instead of starving yourself, fasting, or practicing for a broad time, these ketones could tell your body that you are as of now in ketosis, regardless of whether you aren't. The Ultra Keto Burn Pills guarantee could support you:

Accelerate Weight Loss

Change to Using Fat for Energy

Lift Recovery

Improve Energy

Use Ketones to Begin Ketosis

These are just the start of what some of what the Ultra Keto Burn advantages might be. One investigation even demonstrates that the keto diet can help with weight. While this item guarantees to enable you to get more fit rapidly and effectively, you should in any case utilize a keto diet and exercise nearby it however.

Instructions to Use Ultra Keto Burn Pills

Since Ultra Keto is just an enhancement, you can't anticipate that it should take a shot at its own. To get your best weight reduction results, you should in any case use practice and a keto-accommodating eating regimen. The fat that is being separated still needs to go some place. The most ideal approach to dispose of it is through exercise! Here are the absolute best things you can do close by utilizing a keto supplement:

Keto Diet – The greatest piece of a keto diet is eating an overflow of fats and eliminating carbs. Your optimal proportion ought to be 70% fat, 25% protein, and 5% sugars.

Discover A Passion – If you practice by accomplishing something you adore, it doesn't feel like exercise! There are such a large number of choices that you can pick from!

Inspiration – Find somebody to enable you to recall for what reason you're slimming down and back you up when you have low days.

Ultra Keto Burn Ingredients

The Ultra Keto Burn Ingredients contain beta-hydroxybutyrate (BHB) ketones. These ketones appear to be the way to achieving ketosis. At the point when your body contains a low dimension of carbs, it starts to make ketones that become your vitality source and keep your ketogenic state going.

The Ultra Keto Burn Supplement basically gives your body ketones with the goal that you can start ketosis all the more rapidly, rather than trusting that your body will make up for lost time to its new eating routine. Basically, you could plan to start getting thinner with considerably less exertion on your part. Be that as it may, despite everything we figure an appropriate eating regimen and exercise will show signs of improvement results.

Ultra Keto Burn Side Effects

While your body is adjusting to its new ketogenic state, there could be some reactions. The Ultra Keto Burn Side Effects rely upon the fat and carb substance of your past eating routine. For a few, the overabundance fat could yield symptoms at first. In any case, they ought to leave in the end! On the off chance that the reactions decline or last longer than the principal couple of weeks, make sure to talk with a specialist or stop your utilization of the keto supplement and diet.

Where To Buy Ultra Keto Burn

Does the Ultra Keto Burn eating regimen sound like something that could enable you to accomplish your weight reduction objectives? This item could at long last assistance you get the hot body that you merit! All you need to do to attempt Ultra Keto Burn Weight Loss is click any catch on this page.

[anothergirlrecovering]

Dietician day eight

I don’t really even know what to say about the dietitian appointment today. She brought up treatment again and I said let’s wait to consider that until I go to my conference in a few weeks. She wasn’t thrilled with that and said we can’t just wait on my health. I filled out an too sonshe can talk to my husband if he does call. She suggested I really consider seeing an eating disorder specialist for a therapist and brought up thinking about a higher level of care again and told me to just look into them. She brought up that we’ve been kind of hovering around the same weight for a month and she brought up that I’ve got a lot of weight to have to gain and she worries that at the outpatient level it’s going to be hard for me to sit with those feelings while making the increase in weight. She brought up how often I’m weighing myself and I said every day and she asked about the goal to not weigh as much and I said that I had actually kind of forgotten that was one of the goals and she asked me about what happens when I see the number on the scale going up and I was like honestly it’s not this feeling of like oh no I need to do something to lose it again or I can’t go up that 1 pound if anything in a weird since it’s almost like a sort of relieved because I know that I can’t keep losing weight or I’m going to have to go to treatment and I don’t want that. She asked me about my physical symptoms as far as has anything gotten better for me and I said that I’m not having headaches mid day anymore where are used to get kind of lightheaded and have headaches and feel like I was in a fog about halfway through the day and that doesn’t seem to be happening anymore. She said that was really good and she asked about being tired and I was like I mean I’m always tired and that’s been a problem for like the last three years and she was like wait really even when you were eating and I was like well I don’t really know exactly how well I’ve been eating over the past few years anymore but in general yeah it’s been a problem for three years and my vitamin D was low and she brought up seeing a primary care doctor again and getting labs done and how I might need a higher supplement of vitamin D and I might need iron for the anemia and both of those might be helpful and just how in general if medically there are things that are off it’s going to make me feel terrible and we need to make sure we are taking care of those. I said that made sense and she printed out a list of labs that she wanted them to check for me as well as an EKG since I have had heart issues in the past. She asked me how I thought me we could go on and I brought up how I had talked to the group of people I was in treatment with and she said how she thought that was absolutely wonderful and great to hear that I had more support now and she brought him home I think things were going with food and I was like well that part may be hit and miss and she was like yeah it seem like there were a couple days when things were pretty rough and she asked wouldn’t have been there and I explained the situation with my meeting going over and she was like that’s right now I remember him and she brought up with the meal plan and I was like well realistically I didn’t do the add-ons if anything they just sort of replaced the evening snack which didn’t happen a few times and was something that I wasn’t really doing the first place so it was sort of like that and she was like yeah I noticed that and I wasn’t sure if you want me to call you out on things like that and I was like I mean you can. She was like we really got to make sure that you’re eating more and I was like I’m in a meeting like nearly 2000 cal a day and she was like honestly think that’s like maybe what you burn in general on a normal day but it’s certainly not enough to be helping you gain weight and we really have to help you start gaining weight. She brought up the food and feelings back and said that it’s really helpful book and that we can go through it together and eventually possibly do the intuitive eating book but right now she thinks I need more of the food and feelings back because she thinks that I have a hard time sitting with uncomfortable feelings and I was like I agree and she brought up the night before and why I hadn’t had my evening snack after that and I explained that honestly I gotten upset with Amber and just didn’t want to do it and had just cried and gone to bed instead. She asked about other behaviors and I said there wasn’t any exercise and I was honest with her about their behaviors because there was one that I didn’t feel comfortable talking man I clearly got awkward and upset talking about it and she was basically just like it sounds like it was more or less a one time thing and I don’t want you to sit in the pit and she myself and be yourself up over this long time so it’s just kind of move past it and I knowledge that it happened and you are doing a lot of hard work right now and previously you’d been compensating with exercise and so this isn’t really different in regards to not coping well. She said I have a lot going on with being a full-time worker and working more than that plus trying to focus on recovery and also mend an entire relationship so she’s not surprised that I’m struggling or having a hard time. She told me to take the shame off the table and that it was a one time thing and she’s not seeing a pattern with it and it sounds like I’m moving on from it and she wants to move on from it too. She wants me to follow my meal plan and really add on the extra snacks and so we talked about ways to actually add it in and I was like honestly I’m not going to do an ad on at night because if I’ve already eaten a nighttime snack there’s no way and so she was like maybe we could add those to your earlier snacks and I said that was fine and she talked about actually sitting with my uncomfortable feelings I do eat anyway. Sge mentioned actually adding in cheese it’s and I was like ugh well I bought them and she was like that’s gret well now let’s actually eat them lol. She brought up how she knows how uncomfortable it is and I feel like she can probably tell that I was honestly checking out because I was thinking about how I had told her about the behaviors and about seeing the doctor and because she asked me like twice if I was hearing what she was saying and she was like I want you to know that I recognize all the hard work you are doing and I’m so proud and thankful that you are eating and you this week versus when you first came in is such an improvement and you are making good progress it’s just that we really need to increase in order to get you back up to that healthy weight. I said I understood and she said definitely no activity still and since I’m getting the food and feelings but she wants me to do chapter 1 this week and we can start going over it together and I will go see the psychiatrist about getting on some thing to manage the ruminating thoughts. I told her OK and we walked back to the copy room where she made copies of my weekly goals and I feel like she could read my body language and tell that I was feeling super awkward and anxious and she was just kind of like how do you feel about today’s session and I was like I feel good and she was like OK and we went back into the room and she printed out the specific labs that I need done and gave me a sheet on add-ons and gave me my goals and I headed out after we scheduled.

[biofluxeketofact-blog]

BioFluxe Keto - Perfect Solution To Weight Lose

BioFluxe Keto [UPDATED 2019] - Where To Buy AND Weight Loss Diet Reviews!

BioFluxe Keto Diet Pills Shark Tank Reviews - Are you fat and do you are feeling shame because of this reason! All things considered, you're not the sole one confronting this issue but rather there are various elective people who are attempting to end up thin yet at the same time they come up short. There can be two purposes for it. First reason will be that they could be duping with themselves. In the event that you will starve yourself and can not eat anything for day by day anyway on following day, you'll eat a great deal of huge nourishments then it implies that you're not putting endeavors genuinely but rather you are just swindling with yourself. Second reason will be the decision of trick item. In the event that you might utilize a trick item anyway you'll be envisioning about diminishing your body weight at that point do you're imagining that that you'll get wanted outcomes! Off base, not! Making some examination might be an absolute necessity to choose a weight reduction equation

In the event that you'll pick a reasonable item, at exactly that point you might be in a situation to wind up thin. Presently you may think how one will get a handle on either an item is compelling or not! This world has turned into a worldwide town where you can speak with people. You'll peruse audits of the people with respect to any item that you might want to pick. When I needed to choose a weight reduction item, I was exceptionally inspired with the surveys of BioFluxe Keto Diet.

What is BioFluxe Keto Diet Pills?

A few people accept that it is a pharmaceutical item anyway really it's a characteristic weight reduction equation. Its fixings have been tried inside the lab and have been demonstrated as protected. This weight reduction item work to shape you thin as well as it serves heaps of various advantages. When you may utilize this enhancement, you'll feel an uncommon increment in your vitality level which happens on the grounds that this item will expand your digestion.

There are distinctive sorts of regular fixings that are keen to expand your inspiration. Truth be told, you may see exceptional refinement in your intellectual wellbeing and your psychological power can show signs of improvement when contrasted with previously. Individuals utilizing this item have guaranteed that it is an enchanted equation that may manufacture you thin inside only various weeks. Consequently, you would prefer not to go to for quite a long time and even you don't have to go to for a considerable length of time so as to decide wanted outcomes however you simply need to go to for half a month.

Who will utilize BioFluxe Keto Diet?

Another essential inquiries to answer is who can utilize this weight reduction recipe? A few people accept that a wide range of weight reduction item are simply figured for women. It's a reality that organizations make item with regards to body arrangement of ladies as it were. Thus those item don't work for men. With regards to BioFluxe Keto Diet, it had been similarly for men with ladies and if is best 50% of it. Specialists have moreover demonstrated that it is ok for those individuals who have delicate bodies and subsequently they will utilize this weight reduction supplement unhesitatingly. It has conjointly been looked into that people who are diabetic patients will conjointly utilize this recipe. This item will keep your cholesterol controlled and it implies that that sugar level will likewise get controlled.

Utilize this weight reduction equation even to stay a long way from heart issues. You can utilize this weight reduction supplement unhesitatingly because of it has been tried and endorsed by specialists. On the off chance that they need advised it as sheltered, at that point what is the issue! Try not to feel that it will give you any aspect sway because of its whole organization is characteristic. Those people who have resolved to utilize this item are truly going to prompt a great deal of wellbeing edges.

Who ought not utilize BioFluxe Keto Diet?

In spite of the fact that this weight reduction item is a hundred% regular anyway still it may cause symptoms in the consequent cases:

• If you have been nourishing your little one or you're pregnant weight reduction recipe would not be fitting. In that situation, this item may influence your hormones severely.

• Some people take multiple dosages amid multi day imagining that over utilization will give them higher outcomes. In any case, it is basically a misinterpretation and over utilization will never give you any additional points of interest. You can get feature impacts by doing along these lines and consequently don't rehearse it.

• Teenagers or children should likewise avoid this weight reduction recipe. As a general rule, adolescents or kids should not utilize any kind of weight reduction item because of it can influence their psychological development.

My own ability with BioFluxe Keto Diet:

Give me a chance to impart my own involvement to you I am the person who had always been battling with further load of my body anyway I couldn't prevail to dispose of it from my body. Each new day was making me miserable and disillusioned in light of the fact that nothing was attempting to decrease my body weight or body measure. everybody used to giggle at me at whatever point I went on any occasion in my family. I was actually nourished of that situation and there was no delight in my life. In those Times of Darkness, someone proposed me to experiment with  buy BioFluxe Keto Diet for once. It's been three months that I even have been utilizing this weight reduction equation and as of now I really have turned out to be thin and trim.

Nobody can envision that I was having a ton of than 110kgs of my body weight. Would you presume that me, a lady of 110 kgs weight has been contracted to 65kgs at this point! It genuinely is a tremendous accomplishment for me and now, I even have turned into a trainer.I train people bow to instigate thin and that I prescribe you to experiment with BioFluxe Keto Diet because of it incredibly works. I would simply say that on the off chance that I will accomplish my weight reduction objectives, at that point I wager that everyone will accomplish such objectives.

Clik Here To Read More ==>https://www.ketotoneworld.com/biofluxe-keto-reviews/

[imfeelingreallyattackedrn]

5 Abnormally Quick Fat Loss Tips

POINTER 1: WORKOUT EFFICIENCY The suggestion below is that we're all really hectic, and also I don't have time to invest hrs at the fitness center or exercise almost on a daily basis of the week. I understand many people are in the same watercraft. So what is needed is an exercise regimen that can be performed rarely and also takes very little time, however still provides you wonderful outcomes ... ... now the only means to do this is to make use of a type of workout that creates fat loss while that you're NOT working out. Most preferred types of exercise supply most of their calorie and also weight loss throughout the exercise ... however this is not reliable since we can just exercise so much ... even the cardio and also cardio enthusiasts available can just stand say 5-10 hours a week of workout. So with 24 hours a day times 7 days, that offers us 168 hours in a week ... so also working out 5-10 hours a week still leaves us with 160 or more hours that we will not be working out ... ... it is these 160 hrs we must be focusing on if we want maximum fat loss in minimum time ... ... and also when you can do that, now you have actually obtained workout performance. So the concept is to get one of the most fat wearing out of those 160+ hrs that you're not working out ... ... and the best method to do it that I've located is by utilizing a really high level of strength combined with resistance training exercises carried out in relatively rapid succession. This kind of workout will certainly shed fat for up to 2-3 days after the exercise is over, so you can see why simply 2-3 sessions a week of this kind of exercise can double or perhaps three-way the amount of fat loss that can accompany common kind of workout in the so called "fat loss area". IDEA 2: FOCUS ON MICRONUTRIENTS FIRST Maybe one of the most important pointer I can give any individual trying to get and also remain lean is to look at food from a micronutrient viewpoint. This is not something you'll speak with most nutrition specialists, actually they'll inform you simply the opposite, to check out your food from a macronutrient sight (protein, carbohydrates, fats) ... ... this is what most people wind up doing, and it is still vital for fat loss, however the large juncture in my personal fat loss trip occurred when I started to concentrate on eating the majority of my calories from foods that are very loaded with nutrients instead of stressing over my healthy protein, fat, and also carbohydrate ratios. The foods I'm discussing are veggies, fruits, beans, beans, nuts, seeds. Now do not error this for a vegetarian or vegan diet, that's not what I'm talking about, but a diet that provides the body with the nutrients it requires to melt fat efficiently. Now, you'll see that I didn't include lean animal meats on this checklist. Well, that doesn't imply these foods won't assist you shed fat, they will, yet what I'm saying is you need to take your focus off of the whole healthy protein initially frame of mind and rather select a "nutrient first" way of thinking. I was raised, as I make sure a lot of individuals are, that any kind of excellent dish needs to begin with a big portion of beef or fowl, and that the nutrient abundant foods (like vegetables, fruits, beans, etc.) are a small component of that dish, if whatsoever. I'm saying you have to turn that formula entirely which a lot of your dish must be based in the nutrient crammed foods, with a smaller sized little the pet proteins. The truth is that these foods have the most nutrients, and when you offer your body the required nutrients without overloading it with foods that have little nutrients, fat loss become a lot easier since the cravings as well as food cravings that pester dieters nearly goes away. IDEA 3: QUIT DOING SITUPS As Well As USING ABS GIZMOS TO SHED STOMACH FLAB! OK, so this is a large one due to the fact that six pack abdominals resemble a status symbol nowadays on whether you're lean. I indicate back in the 70s and 80s, it was enough simply to have a flat tummy, now it's everything about the six pack ... for whatever reason. It probably has even more to do with the reality that individuals are fatter than ever before as well as points like six pack abdominal muscles are ending up being much more rare and of course they are that far more preferable as a result of it. So, a great deal of individuals are still bewildered by the area reducing misconception that you can do exercise a details location of the body as well as create localized fat loss. I must understand due to the fact that I hammer my newsletter customers with this misconception several times, but I still get question after inquiry concerning which abdominals or belly exercises or intestine blaster 3000 will certainly obtain them a collection of 6 pack abs! Look, you really can't lose fat from one location of your body particularly ... ... the only way you can lose belly fat, thigh fat, butt fat or any kind of various other fat is by lowering your general body fat portion. To put it simply, losing general body fat. The factor you have issue locations or body components is because you just have extra fat cells stored in that location genetically. And also we can not shed these fat cells, we are stuck with them unless we consider surgery, however we can diminish them, which's what takes place when we shed fat. We reduce the fat cells. So the key below is forgeting all those abdominals particular exercises for a while and also instead concentrate on lowering your total body fat portion by producing a calorie shortage with the appropriate diet regimen techniques and also including lean muscle to your body. Fact be informed, a good set of barbell squats to muscular failure done a couple times a week will do even more for shedding stubborn belly fat and getting 6 pack abs than 1000 crunches a week since the amount of calories as well as fat that will be shed from the squats will certainly much exceed those crises. Yeah, you'll need some abs certain exercises to construct the abdominal muscles, however nobody will certainly see them if they're concealed by layers of body fat. IDEA 4: DON'T COURT YOUR FAT LOSS DEVELOPMENT ON A RANGE Alright one more substantial blunder individuals make when establishing exactly how effective their the fat decimator system review program. To begin with, we're talking about fat loss here, not weight management. Weight-loss is the primary term, regrettably, because that's what we are taught at a very early age. But when it comes to losing real body fat, we have to take a look at our body composition, not how much we weigh on the range, yet just how much of our body is fat weight. This is really the only means to know if you're shedding fat or simply losing water weight or muscular tissue, which is extremely usual on most accident or crash diet ... ... individuals will wind up shedding a few extra pounds really quick and also get excit, but they do not look better in the mirror! I mean they could look much better in garments because water loss as well as muscle loss will make you look smaller sized in clothes occasionally, yet when the garments come off ... SUGGESTION 5: KNOW YOUR FAT LOSS NUMBERS I'm speaking about maintaining rating and also recognizing your numbers below ... ... if you don't understand the numbers, you have little chance of success in fat loss and health and fitness. Much like anything else in life, if you're not tracking what jobs and what does not function, you'll be making use of a shotgun approach that will certainly take a lot longer and also not function in addition to an approach that includes tracking. This is especially important in relation to your exercise as well as fat loss and fitness development. Allow's consider the business world for a minute. In any type of service, at the end of the day, results are measured by income, or the money that was made. If business proprietor doesn't recognize the numbers, they will not know if they have actually made any kind of cash. And also hence they essentially have no business! It's insane and pretty easy, but the most effective statistics a business owner can track. I'm a big NBA basketball fan, yet do you believe I would certainly enjoy viewing my favorite group if they didn't keep score? Of course not!

[earthto-shannon]

5 Uncommonly Rapid Fat Loss Tips

TIP 1: WORKOUT PERFORMANCE The idea here is that we're all extremely hectic, and also I don't have time to spend hrs at the fitness center or workout virtually on a daily basis of the week. I know most people are in the very same boat. So what is needed is an exercise regimen that can be performed occasionally as well as takes very little time, however still offers you fantastic results ... ... currently the only means to do this is to use a kind of exercise that creates fat loss in the time that you're NOT exercising. Most preferred kinds of exercise offer a lot of their calorie and weight loss throughout the exercise ... however this is not reliable since we can just work out so much ... also the cardio and also cardio fans out there can just stand say 5-10 hrs a week of workout. So with 24 hours a day times 7 days, that offers us 168 hours in a week ... so even working out 5-10 hrs a week still leaves us with 160 or even more hours that we will not be working out ... ... it is these 160 hrs we must be concentrating on if we desire optimal fat loss in minimal time ... ... as well as when you can do that, now you have actually got exercise performance. So the suggestion is to get one of the most fat stressing out of those 160+ hours that you're not exercising ... ... and also the most effective way to do it that I have actually discovered is by utilizing a really high degree of strength incorporated with resistance training workouts carried out in fairly fast sequence. This sort of exercise will certainly melt fat for approximately 2-3 days after the exercise is over, so you can see why simply 2-3 sessions a week of this type of exercise can increase or even triple the amount of the fat decimator system that can accompany normal sort of exercise in the so called "fat loss area". POINTER 2: FOCUS ON MICRONUTRIENTS FIRST Maybe one of the most vital idea I can provide anybody attempting to obtain and remain lean is to look at food from a micronutrient point ofview. This is not something you'll speak with the majority of nourishment specialists, as a matter of fact they'll inform you just the opposite, to look at your food from a macronutrient view (protein, carbohydrates, fats) ... ... this is what most individuals end up doing, and it is still crucial for fat loss, but the big transition in my individual fat loss trip took place when I began to focus on eating the majority of my calories from foods that are super loaded with nutrients as opposed to stressing over my protein, fat, as well as carb proportions. The foods I'm talking about are veggies, fruits, beans, beans, nuts, seeds. Now don't mistake this for a vegetarian or vegan diet plan, that's not what I'm speaking about, but a diet regimen that provides the body with the nutrients it calls for to burn fat optimally. Currently, you'll notice that I really did not consist of lean pet meats on this list. Well, that does not mean these foods won't help you burn fat, they will, yet what I'm saying is you need to take your focus off of the whole healthy protein first way of thinking and also instead select a "nutrient very first" attitude. I was elevated, as I make certain a great deal of individuals are, that any type of excellent dish needs to start with a huge section of beef or fowl, which the nutrient abundant foods (like veggies, fruits, beans, etc.) are a little part of that meal, if in all. I'm stating you have to turn that equation entirely which most of your meal must be based in the nutrition crammed foods, with a smaller bit of the pet proteins. The reality is that these foods have the most nutrients, and also when you give your body the needed nutrients without overwhelming it with foods that have little nutrients, fat loss become so much easier since the appetite as well as yearnings that afflict dieters practically disappears. POINTER 3: QUIT DOING SITUPS AND ALSO UTILIZING ABS GIZMOS TO SHED TUMMY FLAB! OK, so this is a large one because 6 pack abdominal muscles are like a standing sign these days on whether you're lean. I suggest back in the 70s and 80s, it sufficed simply to have a level belly, today it's all about the six pack ... for whatever reason. It most likely has even more to do with the reality that people are fatter than ever before as well as points like 6 pack abdominals are ending up being extra unusual as well as of course they are that much more desirable due to it. So, a great deal of individuals are still perplexed by the area lowering myth that you can do exercise a particular location of the body and also produce local fat loss. I should understand since I hammer my e-newsletter subscribers with this misconception a number of times, yet I still get inquiry after question concerning which abdominal muscles or stubborn belly exercises or intestine blaster 3000 will certainly get them a set of 6 pack abs! Look, you really can't lose fat from one area of your body specifically ... ... the only method you can shed stubborn belly fat, upper leg fat, butt fat or any kind of various other fat is by reducing your general body fat portion. To put it simply, losing overall body fat. The factor you have issue locations or body components is because you merely have a lot more fat cells stored because area genetically. And also we can't lose these fat cells, we are stuck to them unless we resort to surgery, but we can shrink them, and that's what occurs when we lose fat. We reduce the fat cells. So the key here is forgeting all those abdominals certain exercises for a while and also instead concentrate on lowering your general body fat portion by producing a calorie shortage through the ideal diet methods as well as adding lean muscular tissue to your body. Reality be told, an excellent set of weights bows to muscle failing done a pair times a week will certainly do even more for shedding stomach fat as well as getting 6 pack abs than 1000 grinds a week since the amount of calories and fat that will be shed from the squats will certainly far outweigh those crises. Yeah, you'll need some abdominals specific workouts to build the abdominal muscles, yet nobody will see them if they're concealed by layers of body fat. TIP 4: DON'T COURT YOUR FAT LOSS PROGRESSION ON A SCALE Alright one more substantial blunder people make when figuring out exactly how successful their fat loss program. To begin with, we're talking about fat loss here, not weight management. Weight-loss is the primary term, sadly, since that's what we are taught at an early age. But when it pertains to losing real body fat, we need to check out our body structure, not how much we evaluate on the scale, but how much of our body is fat weight. This is really the only method to know if you're shedding fat or just losing water weight or muscle, which is really common on the majority of collision or crash diet ... ... people will end up shedding a few pounds actually fast and obtain excit, but they do not look far better in the mirror! I suggest they can look better in clothes because water loss as well as muscle loss will certainly make you look smaller sized in garments occasionally, yet when the clothes come off ... IDEA 5: KNOW YOUR FAT LOSS NUMBERS I'm talking about maintaining score and also knowing your numbers below ... ... if you don't know the numbers, you have little chance of success in fat loss as well as health and fitness. Much like anything else in life, if you're not tracking what jobs and also what does not work, you'll be utilizing a shotgun method that will take a lot longer and also not work as well as a strategy that consists of monitoring. This is specifically crucial in regard to your workout and fat loss and also physical fitness progression. Allow's consider business globe for a moment. In any type of company, at the end of the day, results are gauged by revenue, or the money that was made. If business proprietor does not know the numbers, they will not know if they have actually made any kind of cash. And also hence they actually have no company! It's crazy and pretty basic, but one of the most powerful metric a local business owner can track. I'm a large NBA basketball follower, but do you believe I 'd enjoy viewing my preferred team if they didn't maintain rating? Of course not!