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Thyroid

Chapter: My Thyroid is an Asshole

Hey I'm Thyroid and I'm an asshole.

Just kidding, thyroids can't talk.

I'm here to talk for it. To tell you what the doctors don't because you deserve to know your thyroid is in fact an asshole.

Many of you don't even know where or what a thyroid is, if you know it's in the neck, that is a good start, and if you can tell me what a thyroid does, then that is even better. Though Most of you can't, most of you have no idea what a thyroid does. I hardly knew, but it's basic though. It does everything. It is the sole purpose of your existence. I know everyone says your brain, heart, lungs etc. And yeah those are kind of big deals...But your thyroid controls those. Its the motherboard to the body. A little study session for us all:

Basic thyroid knowledge; The thyroid is a TWO INCH LONG (2 inches people, who says size matters) butterfly shaped gland in the front of your neck that controls your metabolism (we all know what a metabolism is right? Go google it if not, that’s not what this story is about) the thyroid is part of your endocrine system, which makes hormone chemicals. Those hormones help control many of your bodies functions. There are two hormones made by the thyroid gland that help regulate your metabolism, which helps break down what you eat to make energy. They can also effect how fast your heart beats, how deep you breath, whether or not you gain or lose weight, body temperature, cholesterol levels, women’s menstrual cycles and a lot more.

So to sum it up... If your thyroid decides to stop doing its job. You need to come to terms with it. You need to understand the changes your body will make, and it won't be easy. You're going to get irritated, tired, cranky, warm, possibly fat or skinny, mad, forgetful, agitated and you won't know why, half the time there is no “why”. I’ll tell you one thing, you need a good support system, someone who will research, listen, tolerate, help and care for you… I had that. That was the easiest part of going through all of this, still going through it. This change, the changes, the tests, the pills, the new ways of life will always change, you will change. Keep that support system, tell them what you’re going through, always talk about anything on your mind, do not do it alone, do not keep anything hidden. If it the right person, they will not judge, leave, embarrass, or dislike you.

Now I know I was a brat growing up, but who wasn't. I was a kid. I always had energy. Never depressed. No anxiety or care in the world. And you know what, maybe I do now because I'm older and the world is a tough place. Or maybe my thyroid is just an asshole.

Who knows.

What I do know is no matter the change, no matter what is happening I understand, and I can control it. I can’t change what happened, I can’t change that I no longer have one, or what happened to it. But I can control what happens in my life and how I deal with it.

Diagnosed at sixteen, tests until I was eighteen, let me tell you, scared of needles before, I'm not now. Poked and prodded to tell me what, that I have a "super common cancer" and it'll be an easy fix. HA! Imagine it was easy. I mean ok it was an easy fix to remove and to recover. Moving from the wheelie bed to the room bed… not easy. Try this just lay down on the floor and move, still laying, from one spot to the other and really focus on how much neck muscle you use… picture that after just having surgery.

Side note, to the person who paid for my single room, thank you, who ever you were, to the nurses that kept waking me up to take my blood who I saw at dairy queen and you remembered me, thank you. To the volunteers who gave me a card making craft book, thank you, to the family and friends who brought me teddys and magazines and books, thank you and to all the doctors involved in the surgery, the diagnosis, the tests, everyone. Thank you.

They didn't put in small print "side effects, everything you came to know about your body will change" The thing they don't tell you is it literally controls everything. The best thing now is to research, explain, ask questions, talk to others, take your medication, go to the check ups, learn how to deal with the changes, learn to identify what is you and what it your thyroid, learn to control, learn to talk about it.

Chapter; College

Last year (5 years after surgery) during my first year of college. 7 hours from home. I was tired all the time. I napped every day, if I didn't I was falling asleep in class. I forgot assignments and test answers even when I studied for days. I was also depressed and scared, worried, had little panic attacks, honestly didn't know why. I mean I was away from home and "alone" but I was happy.

I mean I have been forgetful my entire life, I was tested in high school for a learning disorder (thanks mom) and they said I was learning at a grade twelve level, in grade nine.. No big deal, just a genius is all… they said my issue was forgetting it all… two second forget… and I have had panic attacks and I’ve been anxious and all that fun stuff, but I was in a relationship I didn’t know how to be in at that time, or high school where everyone is mean, and I moved from home when I was young into a huge new province, so I thought I had reasons to be who I was. Then when I went to college, the “best years of my life” I wasn’t happy, or who I was and things were changing more and more and it was so confusing. I was so lost.

I started doing research. I looked up symptoms and causes and side effects and what thyroid cancer does because I didn't know. I was just told it had to be removed, who am I to argue with a doctor or mother. I read and read and read, I found out a lot. Full disclosure this is just a bunch of thoughts and words I threw out onto an old laptop, I am not in any way a doctor, therapist, smart person etc. I am just telling you my life story regarding my thyroid and journey. Do your own homework, your own research, talk to people, professionals, I have my own opinion and ways to deal with everything, and you can take what you like or need, but this is not a documentary, just a girl and a computer.

I can't tell you it gets better. Because so far it hasn't. But finding out how to control it and deal with it gets easier. Especially when you know it was the problem in the first place. I mean if the doctors told me all this shit would happen, I would have had a lot better relationship with my mother. Well maybe. It's kind of disappointing when people don't believe you because they can't "see" it. It is hard to have a relationship when you get in trouble a lot for things you can’t control or things you don’t understand. "Well I can't see your cancer, so it probably doesn't exist, you're just looking for attention"

Compassion maybe.. Attention, yeah obviously. Everyone needs/wants attention. We are wired that way, but I am not making things up to get it. I didn’t post on Facebook when I was in the hospital, I don’t go around shoving my scar in everyone’s face, I don’t bring it up at parties to get pitty… I am who I am.. the scar happens to be on my neck, some people see it some do not. Move on.

But I wouldn't sleep 24 hours a day and forget a conversation that happened five seconds ago (And I'm not over reacting) for attention. Mom? Did you hear that! I'm not just looking for attention!

Anyways… A good way to come to terms is to talk about it. I don't enjoy talking about cancer, but to talk with your parents, siblings, and partners is a good idea. Explain what you learned, or research it together,

But talk about it. Because it does help. Research it. Talk to a thyroid specialist. It does help. And if you are on that pill. Take it! Do not miss days. It really messes with your head.

Chapter Dating your thyroid

I had a boyfriend. We dated for almost a year, ended pretty badly in the new year. And I decided to change my life and get my license and go to college. I didn't want to be sad over the break up. Or end up cleaning houses for the rest of my life.

I had a boyfriend before I went to school. But he was more of a best friend. I broke up with him a lot. He pissed me off. Well he pissed off my thyroid. And my thyroid made me do it. Not sure if he'll ever understand because at that point in my life I had no idea why it was happening. And now that I know, it doesn't seem like a big enough deal to track him down just to tell him why I was a dink. (I just assume he thinks it's because I'm a woman)

In the end we broke up for good. A week after I went away for school. Something about trust and me being an asshole. Which mad me mad. But now I can't blame him because it was me. It's always me. And I am completely ok with that. Now. I wasn't before because I blamed everyone else. But after getting sick and tired of being sad and angry all the time. I figured out what the problem is. And my life got easier.

I mean once I get depressed. I can't stop being depressed. But I know it's not for any real reason and I can not really "control" but be at ease with it. I'm not confused. I'm not stressed on looking for answers. Or creating problems that aren't there. Anger I am working on. I've been working on. And I've grown so much with it. I've come a long way. But still have a long way to go.

Now that I understand all my flaws are connected to one giant non existent thyroid. It's "easier" to be in a relationship. Kind of. I still need to convince the other person "it's not you, it's my thyroid" but what kind of first date is that.. Hey I'm Carissa and my Thyroid left a while ago and now I have "thyroid issues""

(Daddy issues, thyroid issues.. Get it? I just laughed for five minutes straight)

Anyways. Dating aside I actually have an amazing boyfriend. The one I had the bad break up with. We reconnected over a summer and trying long distance. It's been different. We've both grown for the better. And now that I have a better understanding of all this, it's easier to hold my anger and change it when theres no real reason for me to be mad.

I remember this one fight. Ended in me leaving with out saying good night. And he texted me saying "I can't keep playing these games" and thats when I asked him to research Thyroid cancer. Thats when I decided to tell him the garbage I've gone through over the last 7 years. And he has been working with me and I him the entire time. We've had one minor fight. And some arguments. But nothing major enough to be unhappy. He's been so understanding and helpful.

And it helps when you have people who care and understand. People you can talk to. With out feeling judged.

Chapter Size matters.

Are you gaining weight or loosing it. Do you have a hard time loosing or gaining weight. Well then you could have a thyroid problem.. Or you just need to hit the gym. But most likely your thyroid is an asshole.

Society says hypocritical things every day about weight. Nothing will make everyone happy at once. And you think just because I'm skinny I have it all?! HA! I get picked on for my size a lot. I've been called everything from "skeletor" to "anorexic". Skinny people have feelings too. It's not my fault I'm this small, I'd love to put on some weight.

I remember this one time. I was at an amusement park at a water slide. You weren't allowed to wear shirts on this water slide. And why would you want to right? Well this girl who wasn't my size was told to remove her shirt. Her friends were a little bigger too, and as she walked all the way back down the stairs instead of taking off her top her friends started bad mouthing skinny people. Like somehow it was my fault I made her take her shirt off. They said things like "men like meat, not bones" knowing full well I was standing right there. I physically can not add weight unless I stayed pregnant for the rest of my life.. And you think I have anger issues now.. Imagine ‪24/7‬ pms for ever. No thank you.‬‬‬

So for a complete stranger to judge me on my body and have no idea what I have gone through and what I will go through for the rest of my life is unfair right? Well put on your big girl panties and get over it. Because nothing about life is fair. Once you except that. You'll be happier.

Maybe she goes home and thinks the exact same thing. I have no idea what she goes through. Maybe her thyroid is over active? Maybe she was made fun of or her parents got divorced and food is comfort. Because we were wired to think that way about food. Some peoples metabolisms are just faster.

What ever the case with those girls. Its their case to work through. And this is mine. I understand I will always be talked about. And I will talk about people. We all do it. I try not to, but once again we were wired that way. Born to judge, society made it "ok".

Judge me on my size, my inability to control my mood swings, my love or need of sleep. It doesn't effect me. It's my life now. And I don't want to waste anymore time on people who don't love me for who I am, not what I look like. Because we all know size really does matter. But what matters more is how you feel about yourself. And I feel pretty damn good. Most of the time. Sometimes my lack of thyroid chimes in and kills the happyness for a little. But I find my way back.

Chapter. Family and you.

Chapter. You an your body.

I've changed a lot over the years. I like meat now. I drink coffee, ginger ale. I don't drink pop much. I don't use much salt.

Chapter. School and me

Grade one.. I peed the chair. Now I can't blame this on my thyroid.. No one knows if I was born with it or it just happened. But we'll say for the sake of the story. That it was my thyroid.. My thyroid gave me anxiety. Fear of rejection. Fear of being humiliated. Like if I ask to use the washroom and the teacher says no..

I don't know why I didn't ask... But I didn't move until everyone had left.

Weird how you remember those things..

Grade five my ear was bleeding. And at that point, my teacher didn't care. That, I have no explanation for. I don't know why she was a grade A A-hole.

Six and seven were tricky.. I was put in french emerge.. Why? I don't know. I barely spoke english properly. When it was the end of grade seven the teacher said "if she stays in french we'll have to hold her back a grade, but we can move her forward if we switch back to english." So we moved to Ontario. And I went Into english. Where I might add I tested at a grade twelve level. Just couldn't remember anything that was taught. Which was extremely hard to deal with, because to this day my mom believes nothing I say when I use the words "I forgot". Dishes, clean my room, pick up my sister, a C on a test. It was hard to deal with.. Having someone who is suppose to be there for you just assume it was all made up. And even after the diagnosis and her hearing the "side effects" from a doctor.

Anyways. I was the worst for tests and terminology. My drivers test.. Four times. The lady new my name. Literally when I finally passed it after the fourth one. She looks up. Says "Carissa... You passed" with a big smile. And every one clapped, no word of a lie. Thats how bad it is.

(I actually forgot the word "terminology" for a few minutes"

It's even hard to tell this story because I can't say I remember much. As ironic as that is.

Going to school was hard. I was in my bubble. Honestly didn't have too many real friends. I was still shy to be my self. I cared what people thought. Am I ever happy that changed. I'm a lot happy knowing I am who I am. Realizing that I can't please everyone even if I tried. At school I was something I was not. Someone I despised. And I regret all of it. I regret not going to class. Not trying. Not studying. But guess who didn't get pregnant? This girl!

And I did graduate. And I guess I'm making it up in college. College is a lot easier then High School. Still drama, but that will be everywhere in life. We feed off it. Know that. And you'll be fine. College is less time spent in class, less cliques. More space. A lot of the days aren't straight through 8 to 3.

In college. I am who I was born to be. With friends and dreams and good grades. I am proud of what I accomplished. And knowing the whole memory thing. It's easier to try harder. And knowing I have to try harder just makes me more proud when I did better on a test then a class mate with a functioning brain.

A lot of people would use this as a "learning disability" and I don't blame them. I have thought about it. I just don't want "freebies" in life. I want to work for it all like everyone else. And people like to believe "if I can't see it, it's not real". I'd assume it'd be a lot of paper work prove.

Chapter Sometimes

Sometimes I am scared. Scared of every creek and sound the house makes. When I'm alone I lose my shit.

I won't move from the couch (usually where I am) and I'll call my roommates or mom (depends where I'm living) for them to come home. And I don't even care if they think I'm a child. At least I'd be a safe child.

Other times I'm not afraid of anything. Nothing. Like this One year I went to this haunted park in Toronto and this man in a mask came up to me to try and scare me while I was reading a sign. I was so miserable and mad that I said "I'm reading, why would you do that?" He apologized and walked away.. If it was an off day for me. I would have cried, And probably pee.Most definitely would have peed.

Sometimes I'm sad for no reason. Or sad for a certain reason. Sometimes though, For the same reason I could be happy, Or mad, Or jealous.

It is confusing for me and people I'm around. Say for instance, my boyfriend. He came to visit. You think I'd be ecstatic and jumping up and down. Nope. I was sad.. Unexplainably sad. And that's annoying. Because I wanted to be happy.

Anyways. So obviously we have had intercourse. I mean come on, Im 24. He's.. Uh I think he's 25? It happened. Well before it didn't hurt and I didn't cry.. Well let me tell you that went out the window. I cried, unexplainably and then I cried more because I didn't know I was crying.

I wish there was more consistency in my life. Perhaps I got to see my boyfriend every weekend. Not just.. Sometimes.. Or I never got cramps or a three day head ache before my "special time" instead of sometimes. So I could expect it. Or be able to explain why I cry sometimes. Why I get over jealous sometimes. Why I'm afraid... Sometimes.

Sometimes I just want to know. It's hard not knowing. It's hard blaming it on my thyroid all the time. To blame my thyroid sometimes would be a relief. Because then I would know what the reasons are for the feelings and emotions I get. Then sometimes I could control them. That'd be nice. Control. Even if it's only sometimes control.

Chapter Don't miss a day

Seriously. If you have had your thyroid removed and now on some synthetic pills. Take them.. Don't mess around. I went a week without them and went mental. I was miserable to be around, distant, boring, mopey and cried a few times for no reason. And it was during March break. It's hard to tell what's you and what's your thyroid anymore. I smartened up and took my pills. Went back to normal, well my version of normal

Chapter the blame game

Chapter me again

Chapter maybe my thyroid didn't do this one.

It's hard to tell sometimes. Oh it's life.. If it would have happened sans Thyroid dismissal. But all in all it's happening. I am lonely. I am sad. And sick and my anxiety is scaring me and I am thinking of ways out and I am frustrated and crying a lot.

I woke up the other day with the flu. I think anyways. Could be a number of things. I'm no doctor and I'm not about to waste a doctors time with a simple silly cold. But any who... I woke up. Was sick, threw up, couldn't sleep, threw up and had a great sleep. But the entire time. I was being lectured and nagged. Not coddled like I wanted to be. All I wanted was love and affection like when I was a kid from my mom. But when you're a grown up who ate too much chocolate and might be sick from it. You don't get coddled. You get scolded. Basically you go to hell if you eat junk. Don't do it... I've eaten much more chocolate then that and haven't thrown up because of it.

Maybe it's me. Maybes it's all of us. Or maybe it's my thyroid. But I want someone to care so much that If I runaway. They'd come find me, hold me and tell me it's ok... That's all I have ever wanted. When we fight. I just wanted you to walk down the street. Knock on my door and hug me. Forget all the bad words we said to each other. Forget the hate and anger. And just love again. That's all I want right now. Being sick. Not having my family. I need my other home. I need you

Carissa melvin

Chapter... forgot your pill?

Oh god... I don't even know if I'm me right now. Remember a few chapters ago I mentioned anger. And how it may or my not have controlled me... well. It's controlling me right now. I can't handle it. It's getting the better of me. I broke up with that guy. The guy that kept me safe and made me feel I had a purpose. I left him. While he was out of the country... and you know what. I don't regret it. Like ya.. congrats you made me feel safe... but you didn't make me feel happy. Not enough anyways. And staying with you for the 47% happyness and your family that I love isn't worth it. I get one life. I want it to be a happy one 99% of the time. Doing life for me or for an "us". Not for you..

Well anyways. Needless to say. Last five months was not easy with him going back and forth whether he hated me or liked me or loved me. It was a roller coaster I wanted off a long time ago. I'm off now. I am completely off that train so it's good in that aspect. And hey don't get me wrong. I learned a lot about relationships, my self and how to handle certain things... but then... I stopped taking my pill... and I just got mad, angry, emotional. I was rude to people who didn't deserve it. I cried in the shower for twenty minutes as it was off... because this apartment (side note. I love being on my own now and the shower sucks) that I live in gets about four minutes of Luke warm water until it's the arctic... every time.

So anyways. No pill. New guy friend. Pms/late period. Means so many fucking emotions I don't feel like dealing with. Oh and also getting yelled at by my ex constantly.

When you forget your pill. You forget everything and your memory goes to shit... worse than it already is now and then you forget your pill... it's a shit cycle... something I didn't think I'd have to deal with because I had that guy reminding me all the time. Well. New guy doesn't exactly know because it's not something I love telling people... haha! Besides the entire world with this book.. but if you look at the back of the book my picture isnt there.. it's my cat. HAHAHAHA SO.. it's not the same. Also. Do we even know if thats my real name? I don't know anymore.

So I was like "I'm gonna be single for a year" because I'm never single. And I want to be free and do whatever I want and hangout with whoever I want... and then new guy comes. And he is pretty perfect. Little immature. And not ready to be a full adult yet. But a couple more HP points and he can upgrade to adulthood maybe. But it's his choice and at his pace. It's not something I need from him.

He spit out the "L" word a few times. Different scenarios. Haha. Freaking me out also the amount of times he brings up "shitting on a chest". I'm not completely convinced he isn't "into it".

But also I've been mentioning the word a little too much... November 27th. It's now February 13th and I already feel so much love for this man. Now it's silly because I'm convincing myself it's love and not just the idea of him. As in he is so nice to me and what a human should be to another human, or he's just 100% better than the other guy so I love he feeling of being this wanted?!? Do you he that? Love and relationships are hard. But I do feel I do love him. I feel we can accomplish a lot, just scared because he isn't one for commitment, or sticking around as he's told me.

So I could walk away and never know or just risk my heart to see where it goes. Well I love him and he makes me happy. So I'll just enjoy the ride for now

Dealing with all this snow, my apartment issues, my family and making time for them, exam, work, money and whatever else life throws at me is a lot easier with a positive aspect in my life. Even if I'm not sure how taking my pill has been? It's been a while since I've filled a new prescription.. but I still have quite a few left.. it's hard to remember. Anything..

Well I went for the ride. Crashed the roller coaster into the ground. I was dumped.

Chapter ... what happened last night

So that’s what sexual assault feels like.

Was it my fault. Was I the only one to name. It feels like it was my fault. I told someone it was my fault. They didn’t disagree

I didn’t need to take those shots I was being pressured into taking. Being called a pussy because I didn’t want shots of tequila. More then once that night. I didn’t ask for all the other drinks given to me but I didn’t refuse them either. I didn’t ask to go to this guys friends house with only men there. Well let’s not call them men. They all watched as this ones hands went around my neck. No one said a thing. But is it there fault. The bruises on my ass. Is it there fault or one because of the position I was in.

I don’t know what else I could have done. At that point when it was too late. I know what to do next time. Don’t drink. Don’t go out. But I have I live my life in fear because of other people’s actions. I didn’t have to drink. But he didn’t have to put his hands on my neck. Under my shirt. Down my pants.

I don’t want to blame other people. But I don’t want to be blamed by everyone. One guy literally said.. you’re great and hot so you have to be careful. I’m sorry what? I’m hot so I have to be careful of what I do for how long? A few more years until I’m not hot. And what the hell does that mean. Like not hot people don’t get raped. Is that a joke? That’s the dumbest fucking thing I’ve heard...

It sucks man. The fucking stigma of everything.

Th stigma of depression. Blonde girls. Rape. Cutting themselves. Suicide. Drinking. Drugs. All of it. People go through so much in their lives. Stop judging everyone. I can’t come forward and tell you what happened because you’ll judge me that I put myself in that position.. you’ll judge me on what I wore. How I ended up there how much I drank. Not him. You don’t know him. He just saw an opportunity and took it.

Chapter; sleep... Not enough, or not sure what it is

I'm going through that phase again where I am up very late at night because I can't sleep. Now who is to say that this is because of my thyroid. It could very well be the coffee at 7:00 pm that I never drink, or sleeping in until 12:00 pm that I never do... But bottom line is. I can't sleep. And my boyfriend is the lightest sleeper. So that means he can't sleep either. And it's a real inconvenience for the both of us. But what am I suppose to do. I can't sleep. My brain is going one hundred miles an hour... It's hard to get out of. And to top that off I'm being a real bitch for some reason. Or no reason. Or the reason is.. You guessed it. My thyroid is a jerk.. Haha you thought I'd say asshole.

Anyways. Being a tired bitch is the worst combination besides children and guns or carrots and chocolate. It doesn't go well together. And no one wants to be your friend. So... What do I do. Well just keep being a bitch obliviously... And get dumped. And move back to your moms and get them to avoid you until your left with this giant dog biting at your toes and drooling all over you... Or I could pull up my big girl pants and put a smile on. Watch some cat videos.

I heard if you smile for ten seconds straight. You'll be happy. Instantly. I've only made it to 8 seconds so far. Then I find something to be pissed about... Like how loudly that guy breaths... Or that dumb five year old starring at me... Yet to determine if what I heard was true. But try it and let me know.

I've been thinking about sleep a lot lately. And maybe it's being an adult now and I have shit to do and worry about. But I'm tired all the time. Even when I'm sleeping. I can feel me being tired. Ok maybe that's not true. But I mean. I've fallen asleep at the wheel slightly. I've fallen asleep in class... I need naps. I use to crash after work in the car (back seat, not driving) and no matter how much I slept. I needed more. I literally went a year without seeing my family. I would go to work. Come home and sleep from five pm until 8 am the next morning and I'd be off to work again. It was awful and I couldn't help it. That wasn't enough sleep. 15 hours wasn't enough. And sometimes it'd be more. If I got home at two or three. I'd be sleeping until the next morning. Never really eating. Never socializing. No chores. It was awful. My sister didn't understand. She was mad at me for never hanging out. Like I fucked up on purpose like I wanted to sleep.. i didn’t want it, I neeeeded it.

It's crazy how people don't believe it if they can't see it. Like I was saying earlier. Like no one could believe that I could sleep that much. I can guarantee you that I am not awake right now because I slept in. It's either coffee, which it probably is, or just one of those nights. A phase. But people think they know everything. So if they think I've over slept, it's got to be the sole reason I am awake now. Not because I have one hundred things on my mind. Like how am I going to work tomorrow... How am I going to handle Thursday when I am going to get yelled at for sure. Money for shit sakes. That is a big topic. Sexual frustration. How no one believes in me. No one thinks I can be professional at work. Because I'm myself outside of my job. How is that even fair. You want me to be boring and wear a suit my whole life... Do you understand how long it took me to be myself... Years and I am still working on it. And now I'm being told not to do that... Well guess what. I can do what ever the fuck I want to do. And I am going to. I am also going to be a professional at work. Like I have been for the last six months.

New chapter

So I'm back to not sleeping... which really irritates me because I've been so good with my medication. You guy wouldn't believe it (I didn't plural "guy" because let's face it. Only my mom picked up a copy, and by picked up...I mean I gave her one. Shout out to mama bear) where were we. Oh yes. Medication. Going in almost two months straight. One day I missed it in the morning. But took them after I got home from work when I remembered. Also a lot less stressed leaving the bank.. wait did I even tell you I was at the bank. Let me go check....

Nope. Ok so I was a financial advisor. Almost two years. Nice pay checks. Nice clothes. Nice hours. Benefits. But I hated it. It was just so incredibly stressful. The amount of work that was expected from us. Golly. Well. I think I may have sabotaged my job there. I had an exam to do. Well I had three to do in one year. And I waited until the last moment to start studying. Took it three times and did not pass... the bank let me go immediately. Even though I've been working without that dumb exam for the past two years.... give me at least two weeks notice.... it's expected of me if I were to quit...ah welll. Who needs them. I'm back with my old boss. Cleaning houses but more so boats. I love cleaning boats. I love the water and being outside. Holy this old man. He's a decent age. early nineties maybe. Offered me a "Bump" cleaning his boat. I respectfully declined. I told my mom about it. And she thought it was a dance. And her friend thought it was sex. I set them both straight. And if you guys don't know... urban dictionary it.

Anyways. That stuff doesn't happen every day or every boat. Just the once since I started cleaning boats back in 2011.

A lot does happen though. Broke a glass table top all over a big yacht and the boat next to it. Almost lost my pinky toe. Been to creepy places. No water usually which is hard to clean a boat or anything with out. Solid memories. I love the outdoors. And a boat that you cleaned is something you can feel good about. It looks amazing when you're done because boats don't really stain. Except the old ones. You have to stay on top of them.

But anyways. Stress free. This is an easy job. I go to work. Do what I told and come home. No quotas. No goals. Just clean. Which I'm good at and enjoy. Win win.

But I hate telling people I clean houses. And moving back in with my mom... everyone is living with their parents which is fine, I don't judge or care. But I don't want to. I like my space and privacy. I like not wearing clothes or pajamas. And not cleaning up after my self right away. I'll get to it. But I use to be proud and shock people saying I worked at a bank and they go "teller" and I say no a financial advisor.

Side story. Some dumb dumb at a bar was like. Oh you're a financial advisor, advise me on what to do with this 80k. Like are you joking. He whips out his phone and shows me his bank account. And I just ramble like I can't see your entire portfolio. Like I have no idea at this point. But in my head... I was thinking. PUT IT TOWARDS YOUR 400,000 mortgage or ASK YOUR WIFE... the wanker. What was he thinking. I'd drop my drawers because i saw 80k? Next to a joint account and his mortgage. Good Job buddy.

Any ways. I'm cleaning boats, but only for a month. I think. I had an interview at a dream job of mine. And I got the job. But I'm at a dilemma. I met a guy... always the story eh. Well the guy would. It want me working. Anywhere. He's old fashioned. The man works. The women takes care of the home. Which is amazing. Fuck sexism. If you want me to clean and cook all day. I'll do that. I know I can work. That's all I need. And then got me thinking about this job offer.

I put so much, still putting money into school that I went to for hotel and resort management. I have a plan. 14 years. And it won't work with this guy. But I don't even know if I'll be good at my plan. I don't know if il be good at this job this summer. I can't fucking swim... the job is white water rafting instructor... it's a little important.and you have to be responsible for people's lives and it's a huge party scene. And I'm over that.. and then my plans for travelling... like... I don't think I'd be good at travelling alone. And frugally. Budget 4K for the season. Gone in two weeks.

It's just hard to make a decisions. Because what if... what if I'm great at the white water. What if I love it. And I love travelling and then I own a resort OneNote day. What if I suck. What if someone drowns because of me. What if I drown. But on the other hand.. if this guy doesn't work out... what then... I ruined my chances.. I messed up my plan. And I'm older.

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coffethoughts · 6 years ago

Text

Ghosts

My name is Garrison Dowe, I am 5'11", dusty brown hair, greyish blue eyes and a crooked smile. This isn't my story. This takes place years and years before my fathers father was even an idea between him and my grandmother.

This is about Calvin.

Calvin was 49 with thick horn rimmed glasses with the brownest eyes sitting behind them. He was wearing a brown plaid button up shirt with a navy blue bow tie, his golden brown hair parted to the side and loafers. I think it's because that's what he died in, but I also think it was his favorite outfit. Although if you've worn it for how long he has, it might become yours too. We are going back to September 3rd, 2869. Where young Calvin was about to enter the world. Little did he know there was more than one world to enjoy.

***********************************************************************************

It wasn't your normal July afternoon

It was cold, the cold you can feel in your bones. The kind of cold that you can't cover with blankets or sweaters.

The kind of cold that follows death.

It was the day Calvin died.

But lets start from the beginning. Calvin had a pretty normal childhood. for example; food in his belly, clothes on his back, both parents and a modest home. He himself was the oddball out though. He never stopped dreaming, awake or asleep. He never came back down to earth once he zoned out, and he NEVER let anyone touch his brown notebook.

Growing up and going into his first year of high school Calvin had average grades. Not because he was dumb, he was actually very intelligent but his attention level was awful. He was constantly zoned out.

Now Calvin had friends, he was the good popular. The one that everyone knew and liked, not the kind of popular that only associated with other popular kids. He always got invited to the parties and events and outings, even though his best friend was a notebook. He usually made a point to go out to these events,

Calvin was seventeen and in his last year at Mulove High school, He wasn't the most popular student, but he was loved by all because he made an effort to include everyone, he was also very funny. Sorry, he IS still very funny. (fact check, he was basically in every photo in the very full signed yearbook he showed me.) On the first day of his last year in high school, Calvin flew into the parking lot on his new Hover Bike he got for his birthday a few days earlier (new driver) and parked. When he got off his bike, he had a weird pain in his stomach, but it passed after a minute and he never gave it a second thought.

He walked in the school, book bag on both shoulders, a brown notebook and pen pinched between his ribs and arm while his left hand was in his pocket with his cellphone in his other scrolling through a list of songs that he could jam to as he headed to his first class. Calvin's mind was full of adventure, stories, funny quips, ideas and thoughts you couldn't possibly imagine. (I've seen the brown notebook) He never showed anyone, not because he was embarrassed, or he didn't think he was good enough. One of the reasons is because they were his, the things he wrote in the notebook were scary, incredible, frightening, funny, loving, envious, sad, heartbreaking, hilarious and feelings you never felt before. He had little quotes in his note book from eaves dropping on conversations, he has doodles when he was bored and procrastinating, he has diagrams of inventions for extravagant things, things you and me could never even fathom.

He found himself walking while listening to the music. He paused in front of his locker. Not sure how he ended up there as he was not thinking of his route at all. But after four years, of the same path in the same school, with the same people and same hallways, his body just new where to go and when. Calvin likes to zone out, move on to different worlds for a while, until it gets dark there and he returns to his "normal" state. (not much about Calvin is normal) He's ok with that.

(More to come later)

(later is now)

Calvin twists and turns his lock to enter his combination, he opened his locker and found a little note folded that looked like it had been pushed through the slots in the locker door. He was just about to open the note when the first bell rang for class, and he thought "shit, I'm late again"Â. He shoved the note in his pocket, shut his locker, ran to class and forgot about the note as his mind is always in other places.

In his first period class Calvin caught himself day dreaming of the new worlds that were all over the internet and news with headlines like "WE ARE SO CLOSE!" "WE WILL BE ON MARS SOON" and so on. With nothing to go on, no pictures or videos, just speculation at this point, your imagination. Calvin wrote all his thoughts in his brown notebook, he drew sketches and jotted down ideas, all about new types of life with gorgeous, wild, undiscovered flowers, insects, animals and even "humans". Because whose to say someone on mars or another galaxy isn't a human of their planet. Calvin dreamed that he would eventually get to these planets. Later on he would learn his imagination did not disappoint.

His entire life born on this planet was based on him off it.

"CALVIN? CALVIN?!? CALVVVIIINNN?!?!?"

"Oh, uh yes, Mrs. Bonnaveve?"

"Were you just day dreaming again? We have talked about this a million times, you need to learn the String Theory, it's essential"

“I was not daydreaming Mrs. Bonnaveve, I am doing research for when we can start travelling to other places"

"We can travel now Calvin?"

"Not to Zone 37 or Area 913, I'm talking about Mars, the forgotten planet Pluto, or the Catcus Galaxy that everyone thinks might be a hoax, but I know in my gut it's real"

When he was done talking, there was a very long silent pause. Followed by everyone including the teacher, the other classrooms that could hear him through the vent and their Mothers Mothers started howling so hard that one kid fell over and broke his arm. When that was over he turned up the volume on his phone, tuned into his favorite song and continued to day dream, the teacher left him alone at that point. This didn't affect his "popularity" like it would when you were growing up. Kids never forget. No not in the year 2886.These days were different. Winter formal came and gone along with parties, movies, dates homework, exams and winter break. Calvin always showed face even though his actual face was buried in his brown notebook and his mind was on another planet. This first semester we’re nt by quickly for Calvin as he was use to day dreaming since his first day in kindergarten and didn't plan to change this year. He was happy winter break was over and he could get back to class, not that he loved school, but he loved being around people to eves drop, learn how people think, act, are for new inspiration to jot down in.

The following semester wasn't so easy. Nothing had changed at home, with his friends or at school. It's been the same day after day for Calvin. Waking up from dreams about adventure to day dreaming at school about all the things his mind thought up, and going to bed with the same dreams. None of that chanted either. The one thing that did was the headlines. Instead of reading â€œWEâ€™RE ALMOST THEREâ€ they read â€œWE DID ITâ€ â€œSPACE TRAVEL IS HERE!!â€. Calvin couldnâ€™t contain his excitement. He has been saving every birthday dollar, every lawn mowing fee, every quarter, dime, nickle and penny to travel to space once they figured out how to, and now they have!

It was so hard for Calvin to stay in his seat, to show up to class, to focus on tests and assignments, he barley made it out of high school with a diploma. Which made it hard for him to apply for college, as he just wanted to take a year off and travel. His parents weren't on board and haven't been since it started effecting his grades more and more. They said that if he wanted to stay here for the year he would have to work with his father or head off to college. Working in city hall just didn't seem to call his name especially since his father hasn't taken a vacation in several years. which would hurt his travelling chances.

Calvin weighed his options to stay here and save even more but push back college a year and then that would mean pushing back traveling, or he could go into college for something that would let him travel and get paid? The laptop was pulled out of his back pack once he got home and began to research schools, and programs that would let him travel while getting paid after college, or even during college as a coop assignment.

#shortstory #novel #books #books and libraries #wannabewriter #write #writers #writlbr #pages #ghosts #fictional story #fiction #believe #differentkindoflovestory #unfinished #onechapter longershortstory

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