#even though they live in a same household it's stupid af

[apricote]

sally moved in!

(amazing build by @simkoos 🤍)

[ironmandeficiency]

pedro boys + spending habits

word count: fuck if i know, wrote it thru the app

characters: din, marcus m, dave, pero, marcus p, oberyn, max, frankie, whiskey, maxwell, javier, ezra

a/n: idk what caused this to happen but it works i guess. hope they make sense

✨support my ko-fi✨

trust him with your money, your drink, your social security number, everything:

din. this man is barely scraping by on his own when you first meet him. when he adds the kid to the mix, he gets even more frugal than he already is with an old as sin ship that many people are surprised to see fly. he will have a policy of “you earn it, you choose what to do with it” and since he goes after most of (if not all) the bounties to keep you all alive, he has the final say in how most of the credits are spent. he does want you to have nice things though, so he makes sure to configure the budget to where you don’t have to pour your credits into the group’s survival money very often. it’s the least he can do. he’s very big on taking care of his people and will show that in small ways.

marcus m. he’s a single dad for a significant amount of time, he has no choice but to be responsible with his money. he has to take care of missy, keep them both fed and housed and healthy, and that’s not even touching on how expensive all of high school graduation and college will be once she gets there. he teaches missy very early in life how important money is bc he doesn’t want her to ever know how it feels to not have enough. he makes a considerable amount of money w the heroics tho so he can afford to responsibly splurge on you both, but not constantly. is very cautious abt the splurging becoming a habit

dave. yeah he may be a murderer, but he’s scary great at managing his money (to continue being able to murder). he’s got his ex wife’s alimony (that still pisses him off but that’s another story) and two girls he takes care of, there’s no other choice for him either. there’s never a worry about dave having a midlife crisis and spending money on some stupid dad thing (like a motorcycle or assless chaps or a country club membership) because he murders to keep his mind off that sort of stuff. files his taxes diligently every year the day tax season starts and will pass this wisdom to the girls.

pero. he’s very good at judging if you need something or not. if it can’t feed you, keep you healthy, kill someone, or protect you, you don’t need to buy it. definitely not a man who indulges in trinkets and frivolous things that do nothing but weigh down his horse and his person. will encourage this way of thinking with whoever travels with him to whatever extent he can, but won’t be a dick about it if you have something sentimental on your person. if it’s a necessity, he will splurge on a bed and bath at an inn but not much else for a while. cheap because he has to be

marcus p. i don’t think i have to explain this one so i won’t. no i’m not being lazy who said that?

maybe you’ll be fine if he’s in charge. maybe:

oberyn. being a prince (and himself), there are different ways this could go. he spends his money frivolously at brothels & on his daughters + other loved ones (as well as other luxuries) and doesn’t really seem to be the type to keep tabs on it all as he goes. but... he’s a prince in a prosperous kingdom and so there isn’t really a worry for money. he’s known as the red viper for many reasons, including his clever nature and the ease with which he can get what he wants thru whatever means necessary. if you want for something that he can’t buy, you know he will find a way to get it for you (which can be a problem sometimes).

max. he’s good with money in the sense of perpetuating capitalism — that’s the red flag here. hell, he’s gonna be investing into bitcoin and who knows what stock market bs & bc it’s max, of course you trust him. max can’t control the stock market tho, so sometimes things are a little iffy. it always evens itself out though, and you make sure in the future that he invests his money instead of your joint money. he’s still gonna share anyways, it just helps you have a little more peace of mind.

frankie. he just wants to take care of you, okay? you can’t fault him for that 🥺 he maneuvers his budget around to make sure he can do all these nice things for you while leaving his own needs unchecked, which isn’t okay. he just wants to provide for the ppl he loves the best he can, but the problem begins when he starts to think he isn’t doing enough. his insecurity & lack of self-worth (fueled by his guilt for “not being everything you deserve”) is what makes him agree to the Trip™️ in the first place. once he comes back & sees you frantic, only wanting him home and not giving a flying fuck about the money, does he realize that you’re devoted to him and not what he can do for you.

whiskey. working for statesman made him forget what things really cost bc he suddenly never had to worry again about not having enough money. being with someone that isn’t practically made of money will snap him back into reality. he looks at his bank statements and his balance occasionally, but our big spender cowboy hasn’t really counted money as something he worries about for a while. when he constantly showers you in expensive gifts (only the best for his baby, that’s his motto) and you tell him that he has to not do that bc he’ll go broke, he plays it off because he doesn’t remember having to worry. separate bank accounts are only because you want to make sure your money is being spent smartly (even though jack has offered constantly to pay for literally anything you need).

don’t give him anything you want to see again:

maxwell. as much as i love this dork, he’s absolute shit with money. when his business is falling apart (bc he made the stupid ass decision to buy the oil rigs no one wanted bc they weren’t producing oil), he throws it all into saving face and trying to make investors buy into something that isn’t there. what a smart business man would’ve done was liquidate his assets and possibly try to get into a business that will yield at least some profit. he does learn his lesson tho and eventually can be trusted with money, but even he is hesitant to do anything with the household finances. he’s a dreamer, and dreams and money are the same as oil and water.

javier. i know you’re possibly surprised but hear me out. he’ll go all in to get info, whether he’s spending american taxpayer money or his own money or anyone else’s, if it’s valuable info that can be bought, it’s gonna be bought even if he goes without groceries for the next two weeks. before being with you, it was booze and prostitutes and cigarettes that ate away at his checks outside of buying information. the only thing that really changed once you got together was the prostitutes and slightly less cigarettes and booze. however, when he goes back to laredo permanently, he’s perfectly capable of keeping his shit in line. he’ll balance every checkbook in sight and run a tight af ship.

ezra. this man is a scavenger by necessity, a con man by choice. he has a silver tongue and a roguish charm and pretty questionable morals; he’s not gonna have any issue with getting his hands dirty. he’s probably gonna use your joint money to try and pull a fast one on some unsuspecting stranger (“it’ll double our money,” he says, “it’ll be fine,” he says), but then said stranger will end up turning the tables and leave you both absolutely broke. yeah he will feel guilty, no doubt. the only problem is that he won’t take it as a “hey don’t do it again” lesson, it’ll be a “this is how i can improve for next time.” eventually you have to put your foot down and take control of the money and when he realizes that you’re improving your lives much better than he is, he will thank you for it.

all pedro character taglists: @likeshootingstarsinthenightsky @obirain @leias-left-hair-bun @themarcusmoreno @catsnkooks @captainrexstan @mackstrut @torradoza @simping-for-fives @stardustsunrisekisses @darthadeline @artemis61003 @majorshiraharu @getdookuedon @capricornrabies @max--phillips @darklingveracruz @book-of-anarchy @andysficrecs @purelypascal @whovianwar @lv7867 @hornystarwarsbisexual @kaermorons @princess76179 @pedropasscals @greeneyedblondie44 @seasonschange-butpeopledont @qhbr2013 if you don’t want to be tagged, lemme know!! the link to join is in my bio

[bubbashawn]

Before You Go

author: This one is angsty but when does my writing not have the exact same arc of emotions lol. Hope you love it like I enjoyed writing it. 💙🌸

synopsis: You just wanted him to fight for you, not against you. It’s not until you stop fighting for him does he realize how much he should have shown you he did truly care.

warnings: Forgive me, I swore. But can you really have a passionate break up without the f-bomb? I didn’t think so. There’s a mention of fighting in “y/n’s” childhood, but like only for a second. It’s 1.9k of these two cuties being blind af. Shocker I know.

Shawn was happy. You could see that much, it didn’t matter that he tried to call you every night or that Cez was constantly telling you that he, your ex-boyfriend, was in fact not happy. But if he was really unhappy then why did he look happier than you had ever seen him? Why did he leave if he was going to be unhappy? Why not fight for you like you had tried for him? It didn’t make sense that he just would tear you down until you couldn’t do it anymore if he was just going to be as heartbroken as you.

Shawn was your everything. Anyone with eyes could see that and they could tell that you were broken. They could see you withering away as each new picture of Shawn’s smile was released. And they knew that you were pretending that everything was how it was supposed to be even as tears streamed down your cheeks, again. You still remembered when Shawn was your everything, he still was, but that didn’t mean you were his everything.

“Why can’t you just leave me be? Huh? I’ve told you that I don’t want to see you right now, why can’t you hear me?”

Shawn had been off that day, you could tell when you called that morning and the way his jaw was clenched in the pap pictures. You half expected him to just go straight to his condo, though you two had planned for an evening together, but he barged into your small apartment and collapsed on your couch.

“Bub?” He barely glanced at you, “bubba what’s wrong?”

“Nothing, everything is fine. Everything is just fine”

You had shuffled towards him, placing yourself softly on the couch beside him. He just moved his hands to his curls and pressed the heels of his palms to his eyes. You knew Shawn and he was giving off waves of annoyance. He was acting so off, so completely different than the boy you loved. He’d never been this way especially not with you.

“Hey,” your hand found his shoulder, “tell me what you need. What can I do?”

“Ever think I don’t want anything from you? That I don’t need you?” He practically was yelling now, rising to his feet. You let your hand drop to your lap.

Shawn never raised his voice at you because you never raised your voice, period. Growing up in a house of yelling and fighting, much different than the Mendes household, had taught you to not yell. You hated fighting and the best mechanism to control any situation was to keep your voice soft and calm. Shawn had raised his voice only once and the way you spoke softly as he screamed made him instantly regret his actions. But not this night. No, this night as your peaceful tone broke through the silence it only angered him. He felt like you weren’t even fighting him. And you weren’t because you’d only fight for him as he fought you.

“Shawn, I jus-” he cut you off.

“You what? You want to help me? Than fuck off for once, Y/N! Just get away from me.”

You were so lost. Did Shawn come to your apartment so he could yell at you? So he could fight you because you wouldn’t fight back? You hated that he was using you to get his anger out but you knew that he didn’t mean anything he was saying. He loved you and you loved him. He was your everything and you were his.

“No,” you followed him as he stormed towards your door, “no, I won’t let you just come in here to take your anger out on me. I want to be here so I won’t let you leave until I know that you’re okay. That we’re okay.”

“Yeah? Well what if we’re not? Huh? Then what?”

“You don’t mean that,” you hated that you stuttered, “I love you, Shawn. I’m in love with you.”

“Yeah well maybe I’m not.” Shawn knew he fucked up but he didn’t take it back, he just watched you for your next move.

Everything was different in a matter of seconds. You weren’t so sure about what you were saying. You loved him but did he love you? Maybe you weren’t his everything. Maybe you weren’t his anything. You were done and it didn’t matter what he said anymore, because you were done. He couldn’t do anything before he left that would take back what he said.

“Y-you need to leave,” you brushed his shoulder when you walked down the hallway towards your front door, “please. Just leave.”

You had never asked him to leave. You had kicked him out to the couch and ignored his pleas but never had you pushed him out. But that didn’t matter, not to you, not when the one person who would never hurt you, hurt you. Your eyes strayed up towards the crack in your ceiling, willing your tears away. You heard his movement before you dropped your gaze to the wood floor. To his stupid pointed Chelsea boots.

“Baby, you know I wasn’t thinking,” Shawn hated that he knew you were crying because of him, “I’d never hurt you, not like this.”

“Well you did.”

“Bab-”

“Please leave. I’d like to be alone now.”

Funny how things could change so fast. Mere moments Shawn wanted nothing more than to be alone but now you were shoving him out the door. You couldn’t be alone fast enough.

“Y/N, I want you to know,” he held your cheek even when you tried to push him away, “you need to know you’re my everything. Nothing is more important than you. Not work, not this stupid fight and I might be an asshole but I love you. You’re my everything, baby.”

“Maybe I’m not.”

“You are!”

“Maybe I’m not! Okay? Maybe I’m just that girl that brings you that much closer to a girl who's your everything.”

“You’re my everything!”

“I’m done. Shawn, just leave. If you care about me then you’ll just go. And you’ll find that girl. But she won’t be me.”

“I want her to be.”

“Please…”

He did leave. He ran his hand along your jaw like he always had and dropped his fingers to yours so his feather ring bumped against the gold promise band adorning your ring finger. And then he was gone. Those 6 years of fights and tears and laughs and surprises. Gone with him.

Shawn hated himself. He hated that he had yelled, he hated that he hurt you, he hated that you, for a moment, thought you weren’t everything to him. He wanted to see you but feared he’d be pushed away like he had been 14 days ago. It had been in those 2 weeks he realized he didn’t know what to do without you, so he just tried to live as normal as possible. Smile and laugh with his fans, eat dinner with his team, and enjoy the sunset from his balcony picturing you in your favorite spot on the railing.

“She’s not coming, mate,” Niall looked at him, “just because I’m her friend doesn’t mean she’ll show up to my party. Especially knowing that she’ll see you.”

“I just - I don’t know how to fix anything. It’s like she was holding my life together and now that she’s gone everything is disappearing right after her.”

“You broke her heart.”

“Yeah well she broke mine.”

It was a shitty comeback, he knew that he sounded like a little middle schooler who was butt hurt because his crush didn’t like him back. But he was heartbroken so he gave himself a pass.

“M’sorry man,” Shawn offered Niall a smile, “I just don’t make the best decisions without her.”

You felt bad. Listening in on a conversation that you shouldn’t be hearing. But you heard Shawn’s voice and common sense flew out the window. He sounded sad and you realized he really wasn’t as happy as you forced yourself to believe. He was heartbroken and hurt, just like you.

“Shawn?”

Your voice was a whisper, Shawn probably wouldn’t even hear you over the music. You opened your mouth to repeat yourself but he cut you off.

“Y/N?”

“Hi.”

He stumbled to his feet, his mind flying miles ahead of his clumsy body.

“Hey,” he was staring, “hey. Do you… do you want to go talk somewhere? Or maybe I’ll just leave and see you later?”

“No!”

“No? As in stay or I don’t want to talk?”

“Please stay. Let’s talk,” you grabbed his forearm over the guitar tattoo you’d traced a million times, “outside work for you?”

“Outside sounds great, yeah.”

The two pushed their way through the thrall of partygoers. Offering smiles to friendly faces who only returned shocked gazes seeing the couple together. Their eyes searching for answers for unasked questions. You disappeared with Shawn out the side door.

“So.”

You just stared at the boy watching his nervous quirks you hadn’t seen since your first date. You were an unknown factor in Shawn’s life for the first time in 6 years. He hated not knowing how you’d react to him, he always took pride in knowing every nook and cranny of your body and it’s responses to his touch.

“H-how have you been?”

“Fine, and you?”

“M-me? Oh, um I’ve been okay too.”

“That’s, um that’s good to hear.”

Shawn was glad to know you were doing okay. But he also knew that you weren’t being totally truthful. You didn’t make eye contact when you lied and he hadn’t seen you look at him throughout the short talk.

“I lied,” Shawn suddenly cut off your anxious rambling, “I’m not fine, I haven’t been fine since I left that night. The thought of you being alone, thinking I didn’t love you? Fuck, I couldn’t live with myself.”

Your hand raises subconsciously to stroke the scar on his cheek. It had been a comfort mechanism when you two were together. Just tracing his scars and his tattoos, marks that were distinguished as Shawn’s. Your hand was now frozen in the air, stopped just before reaching out to him. And the two of you stared at your left hand, more specifically at the promise ring still snug around your finger. Until finally Shawn pressed his cheek into your palm yearning your touch. He didn’t know when he’d feel it again.

“Baby,” he pressed his lips to your hand that still held his face, “you’re my everything. You’ve always been my girl, my everything. Don’t think for a second you’re not.”

“Shaw-”

“No,” he interrupted you, not finished, “I love you. Fuck, I love you so much.”

“Shawn, I-I love you too.”

His head was buried into your neck before you finished speaking. Lips pressed to your collarbone and nose breathing you in. His hands were held together around the small of your back pulling you closer.

“Baby, I know we aren’t perfect and I know we can’t go back to the way we were. But I am going to love you everyday and remind you whenever you forget. And I’m going to fight for you because you’ve always done the same and it’s about time I showed you how much I adore you. I’m so sorry for how I hurt you and I know you won’t admit it but I’ve been hurting you for far too long. I shouldn’t have yelled, not ever. It’s me and you from now on, okay? No more me against you because I’m not letting you fight alone. If you let me I’ll make sure you always know you’re my everything, always have and always will be. I can’t imagine my world without you, for fuck’s sake I didn’t last 2 hours before I started calling.”

“Bubba, I love you.”

“I love you more, honey, I love you so much.”

permanent tag list: @wholesomemendes @fallinallincurls @ashwarren32 @mendesficsxbombay @haute-shawn @turtoix @prncsnee @http-isabela

[jjba-hell]

Rock Bottom

Day 2 and the Prompt we going for was- Insecurity. And lemme just say I went ham on this one. Sorry for anyone who read my unedited version a few hours ago, my tumblr cue time is weird af... 

This is a bit of a mash up between backstory and insecurity but definitely ANGSTY AF! Really now, good luck.

There are ALLOT of trigger warnings so much, I dare say it’s rated. Drug use, pregnancy, postnatal complications (and death), ABUSE (emotional, physical, verbal, familial), prostitution (mention)...I probably missed allot but this one is intense. 

Gonna tag @a-nonnie-mousse (’cause you a sweetie) and @lasquadraweek2020 for this one and also @risottoneroo​ (though if Mel’s not your cup of tea, I’m so sorry but we mutuals now so sowwy UwU) 

2,4 K words- good luck ʅ（◞‿◟）ʃ

Looking at the mirror one morning Melone couldn’t help but breath a heavy sigh. March 22nd held a painful memory to him- which was why he was due at the graveyard at 9 for a personal meeting. Risotto had been kind enough to allow it but not without warning.

“Don’t get caught.” Was all he said.

“Yeah, like I’d allow another fuck up.” He scoffed as he tied his hair back to get ready. As if he hadn’t heard enough of that in his life. Gazing back at himself mirror- tired and defeated he recalled a younger version of himself doing and thinking the same thing a few years ago- looking back at the mirror and feeling the same way he did at that moment. It had happened after another fight with his mother.

“Stefan.” His mother hissed as she angrily loomed over his shoulder. “What’s this?” She tossed the physics pop quiz on the table in front of him- feeling panic set in his spine, wanting to jump out of his chair and hurdle his way out of her grasp. He had thrown that piece of paper away- he could have sworn he did. Right now, of course, he was wishing he had burned it instead.

“Nothing, mama.”

“Nothing is it? Because it looks like a C- to me.”

He swallowed, hoping she was a too tired to fight him today. “Most of the class-“

“I don’t-“she grabbed hold of the hair on top of his head and shoved his head down onto the table. “-CARE ABOUT HOW MOST OF THE CLASS DID! That is going on your report card!”

He kept his head down, nose bleeding into the algebra homework he was working on below him. Picking up his head now would only make her hurt him more. “Mama, it was a mock test.”

“So, this is how little you know. Did you cheat your way through your grades your whole life?”

He didn’t say anything, knowing there was no point in arguing with her when she was like this. 

Melone grew up in a household most people would find bizarre but he never labelled it abuse. Not until his university sweetheart held his hand and asked him. “Why do you apologize for everything you do?”

It wasn’t hard to figure out once he sat down and considered it instead of shoving the question aside in favour of a taking a bit of ecstasy and a willing side piece- a bad habit he had picked up after he left the hellish hole he called home.

“You’re just as stupid as your father.”

“You’re just as spineless as your mother.”

Two phrases interchanged by two people who didn’t love each other in the slightest and him in the middle of it all- wondering why nothing he did was ever enough.

Melone shook off the memory as he splashed his face with the warm water from the tap, only to end up being caught up in his own reflection again, by the gaze of his heterochromatic eyes- the mask he wore on the lay job forgotten on his bedside table. He had had many of his one night stands tell him he was gorgeous with the one blue and one green eye but he had spent enough of his childhood being told by his father what a freak it made him. 

He gazed back at his own bed, surprisingly devoid of the previous night’s endeavour. So, he pulled the sheets off and remade the bed, thinking on how badly he wished he wasn’t sober- numbing away the grief he was feeling with a little white pill and the pleasure of being praised between the sheets. 

The weather forecast called for a cold chill and some scattered showers, how fitting for the proper black coat and suit he left the apartment in. He got into the car with Ghiacchio without another word beside a simple greeting, not wanting to anger the blue-haired man beside him- he didn’t quiet feel up to the banter, or perhaps arguments was a better word, he shared with Ghiacchio.

The scenery melded from cityscape to countryside- reminding him of the first time he went to this graveyard. At the time, tragedy has struck his life like lightning and was burning down everything he had dared to hope for- the person waiting for him at the church connected to the graveyard was all hope he had left to save Bianca.

The life of the mafia was never really one he was completely ignorant of- the contraband he used to take like sugar pills was just one of the ways he already had his foot in the door- although at the time he simply deemed himself as paying for a product from a lackey. When he cleaned up his act for Bianca he thought he’d never have to delve that dark again. The straight and narrow path didn’t last long though and soon he came to realize that he had been surrounded by crime his whole life, only waiting to be inevitably swallowed by it. 

Ghiacchio pulled up a few blocks short of the graveyard gates and Melone handed him a wad of cash as payment. “That’s generous.” Ghiacchio commented but Melone didn’t answer. He simply got up and thanked him again. He would walk the rest of the way- which wasn’t far.

Melone bought a handful of Marigolds from the flower vendor on his way and continued to move through the gates- meandering through as he racked his brain as to where they were buried. It wasn’t so much that he didn’t care, it just hurt too much to think about often enough to remember. When he eventually found the white marble mausoleum he stepped in and found the two plaques on the wall where he inserted the flowers into their designated holdings. Bianca Regio and Vita Regio. 

Six years ago, shortly after he graduated his first-year medical school, he had gotten some news from his girlfriend Bianca- she was pregnant with his baby. He supposed normal students would have seen their whole lives doomed but the joy he felt overwhelmed his worry surrounding finances to take care of the child. It was most definitely not his plan, but he didn’t care. He felt so hopeful for the kid’s sake- a prospect he looked back at and cringed at his own desperation to give something he never had. He and his girlfriend loved each other. Even thinking on that phrase made his heart ache. She loved him. He loved her. They were going to start a loving family together. He could give them what he never had. It only occurred to him later on how contradicting that was but at the time, ignorance was bliss.

It didn’t last long of course- six months after Bianca told him she went into premature labour and then shortly after got a blood clot in her portal vein. Vita was born 3 months too early and was already in intensive care within hours of her birth and Bianca was getting weaker by the minute. The panic and desperation set into Melone the second she was moved into the ICU with no prospect of getting better.  Despite severing ties with his parents Melone knew where his bread was buttered. A broke medical student couldn’t wish to pay the medical bills Bianca was tallying up in the hospital.  He didn’t even think twice to call his father and admit his defeat. 

What his father told him would have shocked anyone else in this world- to hear your father say. “The capo that runs this town is at the church in Venicio- confession ends in an hour.” It suddenly made sense how his father could always afford the expensive cars or the expensive furniture in their home despite being a lowly state attorney while his mother worked as his assistant.

Melone took a cab as close as close to the church as he dared- true to his father warning-and ran to the find the man who could help him.

“Signore, I beg you. My love and our child are in danger.” He had begged as he dropped to his knees in front of the man. “I sell myself to you, my future, my life. It’s all yours if you would just lend me for the medical bills now.” 

The capo ran a hand over Melone’s tear-streaked face, pinching his chin between his thumb and forefinger. Melone was made to gaze up at him. The stern, unreadable expression made him tense up in fear of accidentally disrespecting him. But the capo turned Melone’s head as if to observe him. “I’ll consider it.” He grumbled as he reached into his suit pocket and pulled out a thick wad of cash which Melone took in disbelief. “I expect you at Libechio’s tomorrow afternoon, sharp.”

And with that, he moved past Melone.

He didn’t regret it, he never would. It only hurt that at face value it was in vain. The money spoke louder than his begging ever would and as it turned out- whatever treatment they gave Bianca allowed her to be moved back into a regular hospital room. He spoke to Bianca the very morning he was due at Libeccio’s- feeling hopeful that she’d recover. Even the capo took pity on him, saying he’d have handed him to a pimp that day if it weren’t for the news of Bianca’s position. At the time, Melone had no idea what the capo had meant- not truly. He thought the capo had learned more about him- about Biacna’s pre-term labour and her sudden illness but he understands now that they are usually not that giving.

Instead, Melone got an alternative deal. Melone would finish his medical studies full term on the capo’s good graces to fulfill the need for a medic in the mafia before he would be officially initiated.  since he lost Lucy and their unborn child in the same night.

The expensive treatment Melone had paid for gave Melome a solid two days before he had to give a painful, final goodbye to both Bianca and his daughter. The baby’s heartbeat was lost two hours prior to Bianca’s death. He had begged, pleaded for her to hold on just a bit longer but with tear-rimmed he said his final goodbye, grasping onto her like she was his lifeline. He didn’t let go of her until they escorted him out of the room- by then her hand had lost all its warmth.

Outside of the hospital he came face to face with Bianca’s family- having to explain to her parents what had happened to her. Standing in front of them was probably the heaviest thing he had been forced to do. Suddenly all the insecurities his parents ever made him believe were proved right. He wasn’t enough to take care of Bianca. He wasn’t enough to take care of Vita. He wasn’t enough to take care of himself. He wasn’t smart enough to have come up with a plan without his father’s help. He wasn’t smart enough to understand that he’d never be able to live the life he so desperately craved. 

After that he had to go home and clear away all her books and research she had left on his desk, the plans he had for the nursery, the applications for a home loan and eventually even the ring he wanted to propose to her with was pawned- anything to try and rid himself of any reminder of his failure. To forget the pain of losing all he had hoped for in one night.

“Stefan.” A voice called beside him.

“Mrs Regio.” He turned to Bianca’s mother who held a bundle of flowers in her hand. “You look well.”

“As do you, Mrs Regio.” He didn’t say anything else, simply handing over the envelope of cash he owed her family. 

Bianca and Melone turned out to have more in common than they truly knew. Bianca ran away from home when she found out her parents were involved in organized crime and Melone ran away only to find out his family did the same. Because the money Melone borrowed from the capo went towards Bianca’s treatment- it was her parents who let her slip away from their care and they therefor had to take on the debt Melone had made. He refused to let Bianca’s parents think lowly of him so that brought him here, paying off a year’s worth of debt every year he met with Mrs Regio. 

He turned to look at Bianca’s plaque one more, praying that she could forgive him for failing her and continuing to fail her as he continued to live as he did. His sobriety was thrown out the window the day he came home from her funeral. He kept up his promise of finishing his degree on whatever he felt like using until he had to be initiated- then he had to sober up just enough to do his job in the mafia. 

BabyFace came to be and so did his most lecherous self- which made eventually stop seeing victims and mothers as people but as faceless bodies. But when he woke up after a high of a kill all he could ask was: 

Was that all he was worth? Was that what his soul was made of? An intense hunger for still wanting to find the perfect mother, be a perfect father and create the perfect baby? Now thriving on make others understand how it feels to be deconstructed until they’re nothing- just as he had for so many years? Was this trauma always going to taunt him? Was he always going to be reminded of his insecurity within himself?

At first the stand seemed useless until he tried using his stand on a mission to take out a bastard who was behind on rent money. It was then that he realized it was better for murder than it was at helping him achieve the dream that haunted him.

“It wasn’t your fault, Stefan. You did more than we could.” 

“Not enough.”

The two stepped out of the mausoleum, closing the door behind them. “You’re a good man, Stefan.” Was the last thing Bianca’s mother told him before turning and walking away. 

Melone shook his head as he started walking back to the entrance of the graveyard.

“I never was, Mrs Regio.”

The second he got back into the car with Ghiacchio, he popped a pill and asked to wait a few minutes so he could take a smoke break and call an old friend of his…

“Yeah I don’t care who, just make sure she’s not new.”

[clarasfm]

–––––– hey  CLARA  SLOANE  ,  welcome  to  dillon  university  .  has  anyone  ever  told  you  you’re  ADDISON  RAE  ’s  twin  ?  no  ?  well  okay  ,  i  heard  you  are  NINETEEN  &  a  SOPHOMORE  at  the  university  .  we  hope  ATHLETIC  TRAINING  isn’t  kicking  your  ass  too  much  ,  especially  since  you’re  the  FOOTBALL  TEAM’S  DEFENSIVE  COORDINATOR’S  DAUGHTER  /  STUDENT  ATHLETIC  TRAINER  .  see  you  at  the  next  game,  SLOANE  &  cis female  +  she/her  .

CLICK HERE FOR A CUTE TRIP TO CLARA’S PINTEREST !! 

                        HELLO , FRIENDS ! i’m b and this is my idiot child clara . a handful & the epitome of chaotic good , if you will . under the cut you’ll find a little more about who she is !! i’m super excited to get started , so if you wanna plot feel free to come find me at local sad girl#9956 or like and i’ll come to you  to figure out if IMs or discord works better!! –––––––

background.

clara leigh sloane was born in small town, louisiana to a family that lived and breathed sports. her grandpa coached college football in the sec for years, ending his career with a national championship team that included his son, clara’s father. that was the same year clara’s older brother was born, the spitting image of her father and the sloane family’s pride & joy. it was then that, choosing coaching over a professional career for the sake of his son. five years later, clara came along.

her parents were college sweethearts, and they really thought they wanted the same things. one kid couldn’t save their marriage... two kids didn’t do the trick either, and when clara was five, her mother packed her things and left, never to be heard from again.

they were a happy little trio, though! traveling every now and then for the sake of dad’s job as a high school football coach. he had quite a few national championship titles under his belt at the high school level, all of which clara watched from the sidelines.

she grew up very interested in everything her dad and brother were doing. curious in general, honestly, but this began her love of sports. specifically: football and hockey. football, from her father. hockey, from her brother.

she and her brother were just far enough apart in age to never have to cross each others paths too much, but everyone who knew cameron–– clara’s brother–– knew her as little sloane. she never minded it, just as she never minded drowning in one of his old hockey jerseys from the sidelines and learning to skate with him also on the ice. he was .. her favorite person, honestly. and he didn’t mind his kid sister being around either.

life was relatively smooth sailing. never rich, but never going hungry. never short on love in the sloane household, and never boring with two kids that had crazy colorful personalities. like these two were just.. . . goofballs and they played off of  each other’s energy like it was nothing. comedians of family thanksgiving. choreographed living room routine. idiots, rly

when she was about 13, her dad got into coaching at the college level, taking a small school to a national championship before being hired by the university of michigan to turn their football program around.

he was given two years, and he couldn’t manage it, despite coming close. around the same time cameron got a full ride to dillon for hockey, their father got hired as the defensive coordinator at dillon. thus, the whole family picked up and moved to texas.

when she was a senior in high school, and cameron was a junior in college, cam was involved in a car accident that left him brain dead. after days in the hospital and exhausting resources, clara and her father said their goodbyes and he was gone. u know that scene in if i stay?? where the grandpa is like it’s okay.. you can leave go if you have to?? p much . .. that. clara held his hand until she was dragged away

there’s a bit of a grey cloud that hangs over the sloane family since. his room hasn’t been touched. his car sits under a tarp in a shed behind the house. their father doesn’t talk about it, never did, so clara just kinda navigated that grief alone. she’s... fINE REALLY SHE’S perfectly fine

but incapable of leaving dillon, it seems, as she chose to go there to stay close to her dad and to be close to cameron

she’s always loved the sidelines and has a very stem-wired brain, so she’s going for athletic training to be an athletic trainer... of course akjdhfa in hopes of working for the nfl or the nhl... or maybe med school to be an actual team-hired doctor

personality.

like i said!! the epitome of chaotic good. she’s got big sunshine energy and big idiot energy. to give you some references from pop culture: sheryl yoast from remember the titans, harper from set it up, fucking ace from nancy drew, annabeth chase from percy jackson and fuckin honestly?? sophie turner just in general 

very much ‘do no harm but take no shit’

a lot of her friendships are very surface level because she’s got this way about her that’s very optimistic, very fun, very sunshine and that’s kind of what people expect of her, so she doesn’t really let anyone see anything different than that. very few people get close to her, but those people?? she’d do anything for ... .. . lowkey she soft

stubborn! and! competitive! put them together and you have someone who hates not being immediately perfect at something. she gets frustrated with herself very very easily

very opinionated and does not hesitate to stand up for herself or others. this can kinda come off as a bit know it all sometimes, or like she’s incredibly sure of herself. she’s not. in fact, she’s.... not her own biggest fan. her older brother was golden, and losing him made her an only child in some sorts. that pressure to be perfect was now on her, and her strained relationship with her father certainly didn’t help that. nowadays he seems to be more interested in his work and getting to a head coaching spot at another university than anything else.

humor as a defense mechanism! sarcasm to deflect! this girl does it all! 

mild adhd & clear generalized anxiety disorder which does not help with the way she gets frustrated with herself becaaauuusssee...

she is intuitive as hell! she’s good at people! and problem solving! but being book smart comes a bit harder. she doesn’t struggle with school, but it isn’t a cake walk either. she’s needed help before, and she’ll probably need it again

kinda like a golden retriever in human form

a bit of an old soul meaning she’s really on her late 80s, early 90s shit

hopelessly optimistic about seeing the best in people, also kind of hopelessly romantic thanks to 80s films

literally never knows what’s going on but is hopeful she’ll figure it out eventually!

night owl af

there’s a scene in nancy drew where ace fully drinks a bottle of what could be water! but could also be poison! just to prove a point in the quickest way possible. that... sums clara up pretty well. stupid but for the greater good usually!!!

has never backed down from a dare

has a dog named maverick yes bc of top gun that she loves more than herself

wrinkles her nose when she hears something she doesn’t like bc the bitch wears her emotions on her face and cannot lie foR SHIT

was a competitive gymnast for A WHILE . . . but tore her acl and was like nOPE no not for me i’m good no thank you! but still works out like  a freak bc she likes feeling strong  :\

very invested in the games even though she’s supposed to be keeping a professional air about her. also a student athletic trainer for the hockey team when that season is under way

would rather die  than listen to any country music that came out after 2003 or toby keith like she may be  a southern gal but TASTE SHE HAS  TASTE

y’all know  lena from scooby doo zombie island??? a lil more subtle and you’ve got clara’s southern louisiana accent woof 

stress bakes but not... well 

big fan of busted sneakers

soft girl but don’t tell anyone.... no one can know

OKAY THAT’S IT THAT’S ALL 

[therearwindow]

29

> Hey Reader. Saddle up. This is long winded as fuck. There are little notes at the bottom for the numbers in the text. Anyway. The voices used to write this change. A lot of it will sound childish. I wrote parts in that voice because it was necessary for that part of my life. Also I suck at organizing my thoughts. Please keep my past English teachers in your hearts. They did the best they could with me.<

So I am living in a state where if there is not contest, you might as well wait it out for 18 months living separately. I moved here from my home state thinking things could be better with a new start, and I didn't want a life without my step kids. Of course things went awry, and now we're separated, and I don't see my step kids everyday.

With him I didn't have to pay for anything. I wanted to. He makes significantly more money than I ever did, and that fucked with me. I couldn't be financially helpful. I had a job, and it meant nothing in comparison. He made me feel that. Tried to get me to be a stay-at-home-mom because it was financially more useful than me working. I grew up working for everything I wanted. Work and hard work was what I knew. A household with two working parents was what I knew and what I wanted. He won eventually.

I was 23 and he was 31. He was going through a divorce with two kids from his previous marriage. I was young, carefree, loved kids, stupid and hopeful. I still high on trying to make less mistakes and better myself by going to school by finding that mythical job that I love and not struggle. Though I kept forgetting that I have depression, bipolar, and anxiety. That I will more than likely have to take pills everyday of my life to function "normally," in addition to therapy. At the point I met him I was doing neither medication nor therapy. I was stuck in well-meaning loop of "I'm trying." It of course want good enough. So I never progressed.

We dated for two years before I decided I wanted him to ask me to marry him. Stupid. Those two years were filled with him putting me down about my mental health, my silver of aspirations, my social life. My social life already lacked from being pretty introverted. Any friends I had at the time I'd known for years and had grown apart from with sprinkles of hangouts here and there. Then I made new friends. Friends from work who wanted to do things with me and understood me a little better. My growing friendships with stunted with being guilt tripped. His kids the bait.I took it. I had fallen for them. I had decided I wanted to be in their lives. I loved them. I was also told that I wouldn't be having children of my own with him. Though because of loving them, and because I loved him, thought he was the best thing to happen to me, I tried to make myself forget about having something I wanted the most out of life. I loved my stepkids even more. I also tried to compromise with my social life until nothing was enough, and I hardly ever saw my friends outside of work. I was so fucking vulnerable. I am so god damn thankful for those friends I met at work still being around for nearly 6 years.

Two years of red flags. Two years of trying to compromise, then fight, then my silence, and submission. Not ultimate submission, no, I still had some pride left. I put up the occasional fight and occasional acts of disobedience. I had to. Then there was happiness. Because I submitted. Duh. He got what he wanted. So I was happy¹. Twenty-five had come around, and my poorly wired brain told me it was time to get married. He loved me. So why not? Summer 2015 he popped the question during Movie In The Park. I knew it was coming because we talked about it and he let me pick out my ring. I was overjoyed. He paid the money for the ring, but I still was surprised he actually did it. After years of feeling unworthy of love, like I didn’t deserve happiness, like I was only good for pushing people away, someone wanted to marry me. Sounds rad, but it wasn’t. Against the better collective judgment of myself and other who knew my relationship, I said yes.

Now activated was stressful wedding planning. He ended up footing the bill for the entire thing because my dad couldn’t (or wouldn’t, still unclear) help pay for anything. Part of that was because for some reason my almost spouse wanted to get married the same year. November to be exact. He, to this day says he was joking about the timing, but I will never believe him. The reason? Taxes. We wouldn’t be able to file jointly married if we waited. He had it in my head that my low income was needed that tax year to lessen the amount of taxes he would owe. I didn’t get the venue I wanted because of moving the wedding up. So I decided that I wanted to do a courthouse wedding. He had already gotten married once before, and if I wasn’t getting the wedding I really wanted, then I would settle for much less. He said at some point during an argument that if I didn’t agree to a big wedding like he wanted, then we shouldn’t get married. I could no longer have family I wanted to attend be there, but I really wanted to get married. I was blind. So we got married November 2015. I wasted a good wedding theme and the time of everyone who attended. We never even got our wedding photos back. There was an ice storm. My dad paid for my dress giving me a check on my wedding day, but he (at my request not thinking he would actually do it) deducted money owed him from the balance. Looking back I feel that it was just a shitty wedding day for a multitude of reasons.

It’s November 2019, and this month would be our 4th anniversary. It’s weird that we’re not celebrating it. We kind of forced it last year. Even got a puppy. Poor Tonks. Though I’m also in another relationship for over a year now. So there’s that. He’ll argue that it’s that relationship that ended us because he put up with so much for me. We were shitty before boyfriend came into play. I also had a miscarriage during year two of our marriage, and that nearly broke us. I should have left because there were some shitty things said directed at me during that time. Like really shitty. Though back to polyamory, not wanting to let go of something good that was happening to me won over, and eventually helped me leave. Not the person. It should be known that part of our “redefining ourselves” idea coming with moving to a new state included polyamory.

So. While getting ready to make the move, my spouse had to move ahead of me and the kids. We talked about being in an open relationship. He only wanted a shared girlfriend. I said fuck that and scrubbed that idea opting for polyamory. Why? Because I am polyamorous. After years of being told that I was a dirty cheater, failing at being monogamous, beating myself up for failing, and deep suppression, I had come to terms with being poly. So, okay, he went with it. I explicitly pointed out that once we went this way, I would not go back to monogamy. I couldn’t. It was kind of like coming out for the third time in my life. First with coming out as bisexual during my teen years, the second coming out as pansexual in my 20s.² I sold him on the idea that for me, it would just be sex. I have always been able to separate sex from emotions. I never needed to feel anything about someone before fucking them. After a short while I stopped feeling guilty about not feeling guilty. So whatever. I like sex. I did however make it a point to tell people I was not in it for the feels. I’m not a complete monster. Though that turned into never sleeping with the same partner more than once so as no to catch “feels.” When I did catch feelings I tried to hide it because the sex was good, and a few times admitted my feelings ending up in short-lived relationships. I fucked up, I know. The long and the short was spouse declared that he needed to find someone first before I could do anything physical with anyone. His reasoning was uneven playing field between our genders.³ Blah, blah, blah. That was March 2018. The next month I met my boyfriend online.

You would have thought I went against the rules my spouse and I had previously developed. He was on my case. I was happy talking to my boyfriend. Found out he lived really close to where I was moving (big fucking plus and homeboy was cute af sorry not sorry). Spouse at this point had not found anyone to sleep with. So after being difficult and me telling him that it was pretty unfair that I had to wait, he allowed me to go on a date and let me have sex. Two separate people, and not my boyfriend. May rolled around and me and would be boyfriend have been talking for a month. Spouse had found someone. I was sick to my god damn stomach. Like who else wanted to date this idiot besides me. He was my idiot. As a gesture towards learning to be open and honest with our feelings I expressed my discomfort. Which eventually got dismissed with “you’ll be okay.” Because he was now doing something, everything was okay. My feelings definitely didn’t matter. Though he acted like they did.⁴

May also meant that it was time for the kids and I to move. The school year was over, and it was time for them to spend time with their mom. So spouse and I were kid free for three weeks. it also meant I would finally get to meet the guy I’ve been talking to for a month. I won’t lie. I was fucking elated. I had planned to go at least a day ahead of spouse to get some alone time. Time to meet the guy, see if I still liked him in person, and ya know, do the do. That did not fucking happen. I’ll admit I let my excite get the better of me, a lot. To the point where I lied about where I was going and how. This was in response to spouse being himself and not allowing me to take time out to see my future boyfriend (spouse and I both ended up at the new house not too far apart from each other). I got upset and was dishonest. Not proud of that. It was not good. To me I felt like spouse got his alone time with the new woman, twice I might add. Why couldn’t I be granted the same? Spouse almost didn’t let me use the air bnb he was staying at which had two rooms. I declared that he could not use the same bed him and I slept in to have sex with her.⁵ So he used the other room. Which I also used. Now. We had also a rule stating no overnights. Yeah, post-coital naps do not fall under that. It was already late at night. I was tired. The plan was nap and go home. Duh not stay the night. We also had a few other rules: 1. communicate 2. do not contact the other partner while they are with another Person unless it can’t wait. My spouse showed up at the air bnb because I didn’t communicate, and he thought I was taking too long. Tried to pin breaking the overnight rule on me too. Nah. Eventually I got to go on a proper date with future boyfriend, and it was amazing.

Over a year and a half later I am separated from my spouse and have been with my boyfriend. I moved out in April 2019. I was doing okay for living on my own for the first time in six (6) years. I had a job after a year of basically being guilted into being a stay-at-home-mom⁶. Which I enjoyed the growing closer to my kids part of it, but the constant being at home with only precious baby of a dog, and being expected to spend large portions of my day keeping up a house, not leaving the house to work, put in a deep depression. No matter how hard I tried to try hard, I couldn’t make myself do shit. Small accomplishments were huge to me, and meant little to spouse. So having a job and my own space was fucking magical. I mean spouse totally had to cosign on my apartment, and was (is) giving me $500 a month (ending this coming December) as hush money because I’m probably not going to qualify for alimony. For the record, should I qualify, I wouldn’t be asking for more than what would help me be independent of him. Dude makes six figures a year. He has enough to spare. I wouldn’t be out to get all his money. I don’t want to interrupt the lively hood of my step kids. Anyway. Like I said, it’s November 2019. I lost my job last month. I have a car I need to make payments on, utility bills, it was necessary for me to adopt my dog out, and I feel low again.

Needless to say that the last month has been kind of shitty. Oh. My dad also has a stage four brain cancer. Trust me that plays into the not currently employed thing. I’m still look and applying, but what if my dad dies and I’ve had the new job for less than a month? I’ll obviously be taking the amount of bereavement time allowed. It’s my fucking dad. So I take bereavement and then come back and lose my job? I’ve applied for unemployment as a temporary means of income⁷. Though it’s taking about a month to see if I can receive it. The idea had been to stay on unemployment throughout the holiday season while still looking for a job, and not passing up a good opportunity. Cross the jobless bridge again if I need to in the event my father dies. I have no fucking clue what to do except move forward. What else though? I don’t know what I should be doing while I’m moving. I’m still seeing my therapist, and now new psychiatrist. Both of them working out well. So that’s good. Part of why spouse and I haven’t really pushed for other reasons for immediate divorce is because I really need the health insurance. I got to the doctors a lot for various health issues. If I didn’t have health insurance, all the progress I’ve made towards my mental health will be undone in a much shorter time than it took to get it to a better place. I can’t let that happen. I turn 30 this coming March. I’m fighting to begin the next decade of my life on a good note.

*BONUS ROUND* My still being legally married is causing other problems. My boyfriend’s parents have no idea that I’m still legally married. I do not have good feelings about beginning how to start that conversation. It’s been over a year. Boyfriend’s sister knows. We (he) told her (while I was in the same room) to see what she thought. She thinks it will be fine. It probably wouldn’t be if I had biological children. Which I don’t. Blessing in disguise I’ve been told.

If you’ve made it this far I really wish I had something to give you for reading through my short review of my life. Trust me. This is the short version. All in all it was an abusive relationship, and despite my current predicaments, I am in a better place since leaving. I really left a fuck ton out. You’re welcome. I’m not new to the internet. I know some of you will want to comment things that I don’t agree with. If they aren’t insightful, to point out a typo, and only cruel, then I don’t give two fucks. I understand that I may be the ”villain” in his story, and after writing what I did I can only imagine what he would say. I am a happy little camper with my boyfriend. He deserves a god damn medal or some shit for sticking with me after things got hairy. He is awesome.

¹ Years later Paramore's "Fake Happy" would cause me to break down into tears. That was when I realized I was situationally happy. It was fake.

² I am 100% not claiming polyamory as a sexual identity. Honestly I could be better educated. I am comparing the feelings. Those being free, shoulders a little lighter, and most of all happier. I will also not entertain discussions of bisexuality versus pansexuality.

³ Q.Q some more you sexist prick

⁴ A little over a year later I came to the realization that I always HAD to ask for permission. He did, but he never HAD to. He had the power in the relationship. I had to mind my Ps and Qs so to speak. If I said no, we had to discuss. If he said no, that was it. So I never wanted to discuss anything with him.

⁵ The “no same bed” thing I lobbied for carried over into our new house. I’m just not cool with that. There was OUR space and THE space. Eventually spouse barred me from ever using the house, and boyfriend was not allowed inside of it period.

⁶ He won.

⁷ Needing assistance seriously hurts my pride. I'm stuck between getting off of it as soon as possible, and falling further into debt.

[queerasfolkmagic]

Introducing myself

Hello folks, 

Having been here a while, I thought it was about time to formally introduce myself to you guys. Plus I’ve spent most of the day drafting a letter of introduction to apply for an apprenticeship, so my thoughts on who I am in terms of magical practice and where I’ve come from feels a lot more organised than it has for years. 

So the basic stuff. I’m a queer cis man living in the UK, but I grew up working class in Georgia. I’ve got a brilliant boyfriend who is a dyed in the wool atheist & sceptic who nonetheless is extremely supportive of my practice. I work in the arts, and have been working professionally as a poet, performer and installation artist for the past 15 years or so. However, I’m taking some time off next year from both my company and my arts practice to focus on retraining as a psychotherapist. In its own way, this feels closely linked to my renewed interest in magic, but more on that later. 

So my journey into magic - When I was a freshman in high school, a way-cooler-than-me senior sat me down in a patch of grass near our school and asked me if I’d ever heard of Wicca. I’m not sure why she singled me out – I was a pretty nerdy and way into fantasy novels, but she was friends with my older brother. It was the first time I’d ever heard of Wicca, but she lent me a copy of Cunningham’s Wicca: A Guide For The Solitary Practitioner, patted my head, and sent me on my way. I read the book from cover to cover and shared it with my friends, and we formed (or at least formalised!) our first coven. 

The 90s was a pretty good time to be a teen witch. The Craft came out, and you could pick up Llewellyn books at Barnes and Noble (even if your heart was pounding the entire time you walked up to the register). It was good, even in the Bible Belt. There was a metaphysical shop in downtown Atlanta we’d all make the occasional pilgrimage to when we could convince an older sibling to drive us down, or later when we started getting our own licenses. We traded books and stayed up late. We burned candles in the woods – scrappy copses of undeveloped lands at the edges of our subdivisions, our public parks, our back yards. I started wearing a pentacle and drawing green men on my textbooks. It was the 90s and it was exciting. I read a lot of Cunningham and Caitlin and John Matthews. Later I found Starhawk, both her fiction and non fiction. 

However, I remember that even at the time I felt like I got more out of books like Brian Froud and Alan Lee’s Faeries or pretty much anything by Charles de Lint or Terri Windling, and the bits of folklore that got slipped into their stories. I felt more resonance with current writers grappling with and interpreting myth and folklore than I did with people writing about modern witchcraft. Partly, it was because I felt uneasy about some of the claims around unbroken lineage a lot of writers were making, rather than admitting and owning a reconstructionist approach. Also, the emphasis around fertility never felt like it fit for me. As a queer kid in a small southern town, the last thing I needed was another dogmatic approach to gender. When authors talked about the Wheel of the Year, it sounded like a beautiful myth but one that felt so removed from me. The Horned God felt like just another straight guy – unknowable and unrelatable, 

 I spent a lot of time walking through woods, and trying to be open to what they contained. Looing back, I think what resonated a lot more with me was a sense of animism – something that was discussed briefly in the books I read, but never given the same sense of importance as Deity worship. 

Then things fell apart. My dad committed suicide and my mom’s addictions started spiralling out of control. My own drug and alcohol use increased massively. I started spending a lot more time at raves than I did in nature. By the time I finished high school, my sense of connection with nature and interest in spirituality of any stripe pretty much disappeared. Occasionally it would resurface. I went to acting school, and the Goddess showed up in more than one visualisation exercise – which was both powerful and uncomfortable. After I got sober I discovered Quakerism and connected to a different kind of god – not quite the Christian one, not quite the Wiccan one – but someone who felt like a loving father and also mysterious and awesome. Still, nothing really stuck. I moved to the UK in 2004 and religion and spirituality is pretty much a no go here.  

So fast forward a couple of years – I promise I’m getting to the end! Two things happened. I took my partner back to the US to meet my family, and the newness of seeing my family through his eyes taught me a lot including the fact that my family is witchy AF. We talk openly about seeing ghosts, we talk with our dead and they speak to us in signs, we share stories about premonitions and intuition, and we create little altars all the time. I know it sounds stupid, but I’d genuinely never really thought about it before. It was just my family. I though magic came from wise women in the woods, not my Aunt Nancy in Chicago. For the first time, I thought about magic as being an inheritance, and as something that bonds me to family both living and dead. 

 The second incident happened while on holiday in Cornwall when for the first time in years I took a whole week off and sat by the sea. I didn’t do anything else. I turned off my phone and just sat in the sunshine, slept when I was tired, ate when I was hungry, watched the waves and the moon and the bees and just listened. And a message came through loud and clear (and terrifying in its clarity).  

And so with both those things in mind, I opened myself up. There were a lot of mistakes. The first witchy book I bought after 20 years was a beautiful book on natural healing – gorgeous pictures, but mostly recipes for homemade bath bombs and raw smoothies and nothing on spirituality. I bought some santo palo and realised I do not like the smell of santo palo. I bought way too many crystals and tarot packs, all of which looked beautiful and felt dead in my hands. I started a tumblr page and followed pretty much anyone who looked a bit witchy and got lost down some unfulfilling rabbit holes. 

 Then one day I pulled out a tiger’s eye my best friend had given me in high school and I felt something. Something profound – a tingle in my hand and up my arm, small but undeniable. I found a tarot pack that started giving me startlingly clear answers. – turns out it was a basic vanilla RWS pack I needed! I found some great witchy podcasts – New World Witchery, The Witch Wave, and Betwixt and Between – who were talking about things that made sense to me. 

The world of witchcraft has changed SO MUCH in the past twenty years I was away! Wicca is no longer the only flavour! No shade to Wiccans, but it feels so good to see other traditions be given more airtime. I’d never heard of Southern Conjure, hoodoo, and cunningfolk practices, and it has been so exciting to learn a bit about them. I’ve found Judika Illes and Byron Ballard. I’ve rediscovered Cunningham – not all of it is relevant to me, The Magical Household is one of the best books I’ve ever read. Most importantly, I’ve started thinking again about what bits of folklore and fairy tales feel ‘right’. So while The Green Witch and The Sorcerer’s Secrets are on my beside ‘to read’ book pile, so is The Book of English Magic, A Treasury of British Folklore, The Long Lost Friend, and A Deed Without a Name. So is Brewers Book of Phrase and Fable and Red Sky At Night and In The Pines and The Book of English Folk Tales and fairy tale collections from the Brothers Grimm and Hans Christian Anderson.

So while I’m still finding my way,I’d like to be a modern-day cunning man. I’d like to use traditional and folkloric knowledge relating to my cultural and ancestral heritage (Irish, Welsh, Hungarian, Southern American, working class, queer) to help myself and the people around me deal with the challenges of being alive – finding security, dealing with grief, understanding their loved ones better. I’d like to be a repository for old ways and the creator of new ones. I’d like to be open and honest about my practices and my spiritual life. I’d like to be mostly kind and sometimes righteous when I need to be. I’d like to be on a first name basis with my ancestors and the land I live on. I’d like to spend time learning about little gods – house spirits, local faeries and land spirits, the birds who live in the local park, the spiders who make their homes in my garden – than building up big pantheons from other cultures. I’d like to celebrate the phases of the moon rather than the Wheel of the Year. I’d like to worship my mom and dad as the fierce, wonderful, loving, dangerous spirits they are. I’d like for casting a spell or talking to my ancestors to be as immediate an impulse as looking something up on Google. I’d like to be Sally Owen. Maybe Gilly Owen. One of the Owens, anyway. Definitely one of the Owens

[justkpopjokes]

Werewolf! Cheol. ANGSTY FLUFF ASDFGHJKL

A/N: Jesus Kylie we’re going to die together prepare the grave aLSO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG I was really uncontent with the ending, and the angst level isn’t too high but hopefully wolf cub Cheol makes up for it(?)

So I’ve never written a werewolf au

But eh who cares about werewolves

I mean you think it’s just a stupid fairy tale that people rumor are true (I mean people are finding evidence they’re real but that can’t be true can it?)

Like hahaha tf??😂😂😂 Humans that turn into wolves during the full moon? Lmao

Also wolves scare you but anyway

And then there’s Seungcheol who just

Wtf are normal humans???

So basically

Seungcheol grew up as a werewolf

He was bitten as a child poor smol

His parents didn’t know what to do, so they abandoned him

He was roaming the streets alone

But luckily FULL MOON TONIGHT

He goes through this painful fit on the ground, but the pain goes away after a few seconds(?)

He’s just like wait wut why can’t I stand on my legs?

Do I have legs???

What is this thing on my face?? It’s called a muzzle sweetie

“So I’m a wolf now?” yea boiiii

GURAE WOLF NAEGA WOLF AWOOOOO k sorry moving on

And so our smol wolfie was found by other werewolves when he howled

And they took him in even after the full moon was over

So he lives with werewolves now!!!

Which makes him kinda…savage? Basically he isn’t really used to human etiquette

He grew up as a wolf ok, his werewolf parents didn’t teach him much human stuff

They thought it would be best if he didn’t come in contact with humans

And for a while, they were right

He was better off away from people, growing up in the woods

Away from (normal) human communication

And with the exception of his weird wolf family,

Forever alone

…well…maybe not forever

He has the keep reading bar as his friend

He’s been away from the cities all his life

And now he’s in his late teens

And you know what happens in your late teens

You don’t want to face adulthood be alone

Seungcheol is curious to know how regular humans live

And this guy…well you know he doesn’t give up

So one night, once his family is asleep, he sneaks out of his family’s cottage in the woods and goes to the city

Once he gets out of the forest, he notices how the city is so lighted up

Like it’s shouting “Come here, Seungcheol!”

Ofc our guy goes to the city

Just so happens that you’re out too

You’re out because you can’t sleep relatable

And even though you need to get up early tomorrow, at least you have time to study right? Ha yeah right

So you’re on your way to a 24-hour-wherever to get coffee or a drink or a place to read

So you’re walking around the streets when you see this guy wiTH RIPPED CLOTHES AND LOTS OF SCARS?? WHO’S KIND OF BLEEDING???

Obviously you’re scARED TO DEATH LIKE WHAT THE HECK IS HE GOING TO KILL ME but also v concerned bc “you poor thing…what happened to you?”

So you walk over to the tall guy and tap his shoulder when he’s looking at graffiti

And he just jumps back and screams. Roars? No growls. He growls.

Eureureong eureureong ay

Cue you screaming at his scarred face

After you two recover you’re just staring at each other while he’s on the ground sitting like a dog

You think it looks really weird but like what the heck is this grown man doing with his life, he’s muscular af but looks like he just survived a war

“Uh—um…are…are you okay…?”

“Uh…Yes?”

“What’s your name?”

“…s…Seung…Cheol…”

K lemme just mention how Cheol has limited speaking skills, bc his parents only taught him basic words in case of emergency

(I’m guessing they just…growl to communicate? They really don’t like humanity okay like no speaking in this household)

But you take the quiet guy him home to clean his wounds

Whenever you try to disinfect the scrapes on his leg he yelps like crazy so eventually, you get tired and stop

Well…there’s a scarred man on your couch, all you can do is try to feed him

“Listen, I don’t have much food…any allergies?”

He just tilts his head and raises an eyebrow

“Aller…gy?”

“What, have you been living in the woods all your life? Yes I said allergy”

“Yes.”

“Wait what”

He just ignores you and walks to the fridge you’re holding open

“Meat?”

“I only have raw meat, it’ll take a while to cook—”

He just takes out the huge chunk of meat and unwraps the plastic around it

Then just bites this huge chunk off

Your jaw just drops

You try to grab it away saying “You’ll get a disease or som—”

But he just snarls and turns away noisily chewing

So you’re sitting across from the man on your couch still eating a huge chunk of steak

Eventually you drift to sleep

Now Seungcheol isn’t entirely stupid (to human standards)

He knows no one likes sleeping in an uncomfortable place

So of course when he sees you quietly snoozing, something clicks in him

Like an imprint? Except for something else👀

The next morning, you wake up in bed like nothing ever happened

You think it’s a dream, especially because your house seems like the man was never there

So you ignore your weird dream and try to get ready for an early class

You didn’t notice the half-eaten meat in the fridge until later

That’s when you questioned whether you dreamed of the strange man

The bloody cotton balls in the trash bin confirmed your suspicions

That night, you went back outside to walk in the same area

You saw the same man again across the street

This time he sees you and smiles really widely and walks basically runs towards you

And you accept his hug tho you’re kinda…still confused on what the heck is happening

But yknow what? He doesn’t seem dangerous, might as well make him some dinner (because that’s definitely the reasonable decision)

So you bring him home again and make steak and mashed potatoes

And he’s just like?? whAT IS THIS HEAVENLY FOOD YOU MADE

But obviously, he doesn’t really speak soooo he just enthusiastically bounces his head around and does a little dance

We gotta change that tho, so you slowly teach Seungcheol words by holding up items and saying them, and then making him repeat them

And slowly he learned more!

Obviously he’s happy to learn, but he has to be careful not to speak with his…secret family

He definitely needs to keep his secret since the full moon’s coming up soon…

But he decides to still visit you, and even memorizes where your house is

So every night, he comes and knocks on your door

Every night, you cook for him and teach him how to speak and write, and in return, he keeps you company and tucks you in bed

Spending time with him is like having a little puppy istg

Always bouncing around and being so interested with new things

Sometimes you’ll tell him to put something in the microwave and he’ll just stare at you and like furrow his eyebrows

Then you’ll remember he has the communication skills (and knowledge of machines) of a 3-year-old

Don’t even get me started on discovering the tv

He tilted his head to the side when you turned it on, and did that thing where little kids check behind the tv to find the people on screen

You also tried to make him shower but the second the water ran he was just like “nononononono”

He needs to stay messy or else his family will know he’s been going out to see a normal human

But he eventually takes a quick shower because you said you wouldn’t hug him otherwise

You buy him a change of clothes when he visits, but he always leaves them behind when you wake up in the morning like what?

He’s a questionable guy but trust me he’s a good person

Remember when I said he kind of imprinted on you?

It’s like a ‘protect this one at all costs’ imprint

He protec he attac but most importantly he snac on your meat

He feels like he needs to protect you now and keep you safe

He’s just a really close friend who even calms you when college gets stressful

And when I mentioned hugs earlier…they are giant wolf bear hugs

Listen ok he doesn’t really have a sense of love, his family doesn’t really show it directly

But you give him all the love he needs

You even fell asleep in his arms one night

You hardly remember it though, because you were back in your bed the next morning

All you have is the memory that it was nice and warm

But there’s a full moon coming up tomorrow

So before Seungcheol leaves, he tells you he won’t see you the next night

You’re really sleepy, so he brings you to your bed and brushes your hair away from your face before growling softly *cough* lovingly and leaving

The next night, you remember what Seungcheol said about not being there, but he never stays until morning wtf

Does he…have another family?

Wait no that’s impossible if he had a family someone would’ve taught him that the word “confused” means his mood 24/7

So when he doesn’t show up, you go out to look for him

When he isn’t on the streets, you wander and stumble across the entry to the forest, and start to hear noises

Growling…?

“Oh Seungcheol, is that you? It’s me Y/N”

Suddenly the growling gets louder

And a woLF JUMPS OUT FROM A BUSH AND LASHES OUT AT YOU

They tackle you, but suddenly another wolf pushes them off of you as the first wolf scratches you

And like I said before YOU ARE TERRIFIED OF WOLVES

So you’re just frozen in fear and confusion

You could try to escape, but the wounds on your shoulder are bleeding and the pain is stinging really bad

All you can do is watch as 2 wolves battle it out before one wolf chases the other away

The remaining wolf starts charging at to you, but you just scramble to get up and try to grab the nearest stick to protect yourself

You hesitate at running when you see a familiar scar on the wolf’s face

It can’t be him…right?

But it makes so much sense

The growling

The scars

The messiness

The limited knowledge of anything basically

He’s just a wolf?

But then wtf has been happening?!?!

Have you been hallucinating and hugging a wolf?!

Or worse: werewolf

So they do exist.

You throw the stick at the wolf and run all the way home crying of pain

There were way more tears as you tried to disinfect the big scratches on your shoulder

And there was no Seungcheol to comfort you or tuck you in that night

The next day, you can’t go to class with a giant scratch bothering you so you tell a classmate you’re sick and ask for any updates on assignments

You feel sick to your stomach anyways

You know how sick it is to fall in love with a monster?

IM CREEPIN IN YOUR HEART BABE that’s the 3rd exo reference already I’ll stop now

When your doorbell rings that night, you check through the peephole and see the same scarred face you always love to see

But given the circumstances, you just walk away from the door

Before you can leave the room, you hear a soft voice

“Y/N? Does the wound hurt?”

“Go away, you monster”

The sound of “monster” tore Seungcheol’s heart in half

All he did was sit against your front door

For hours

Until he was sure you were asleep

Then he left for home

He didn’t go back the next night or any night after that

His family noticed him not going out at night anymore, and thankfully didn’t disown him or anything

They actually felt really bad because Cheol’s adoptive brother was the wolf who attacked you, and it was their fault he had to visit you in secret

Even though his family didn’t teach him human things, they knew how to speak and just chose not to teach him

So when he heard them speak to him, he was v angry but at the same time happy? Bc he can finally communicate with them better

And they finally started teaching him to speak and write better

Which made him more courageous to do…something

One morning as you stepped out the door, you found a bouquet with a small note

~From Seungcheol

Of course, it’s not just a bouquet, it’s a man holding a bouquet

Yknow what? I don’t think you need to be scared of wolves anymore

“I’m sorry my brother attacked you…”

“Wait that was your brother?!”

“Yes did you not know??”

“No?!? That’s why I was angry oh gosh I’m so sorry”

It gets kind of awkward…

…Until he gives you a big hug

And you teach him what a kiss is (if you know what I mean😉)

I think it’s safe to say things are back to normal

If you consider having dinner with a werewolf every night as normal

Ok I know Vampire!Gyu has a dog already bUT WEREWOLF!CHEOL WITH A PUPPY

Ohmygod they could communicate

I’m actually screaming internally like you’d bring him to the shelter and he’d wait until no one is looking and start growling at all the dogs and then whisper to you “this one was abused by his previous owner” and “this one never knew her parents”

And in the end, it would be really sad because you want to adopt all of them but you can’t

So you both decide on this one fluffy puppy and you and Cheol are soft af at this smol pup

Every time you get home from school there are just 2 puppies to shower you with kisses

WHERE’S THAT 1 GIF OF SEUNGCHEOL AND THAT PUP IT’S WHAT I ENVISIONED

You’ll walk into the living room and they’re both growling and barking at each other

“Y/NNNNNNNN come play with us! Both puppies agree you better get over here”

[fightingbvck]

( about ; zara )

"I will take a crowbar / and pry out the broken / pieces of God in me."

a love between a mother and a daughter is a complicated thing, and mostly zara is just tired. it's a push and pull, really, and zara won't - can't - stand there and say her mother was the worst person, but this does not mean she was good either. what do you do when you put two angry women in the same household? you get a recipe for disaster. what do you do when an unstable person is in charge of raising another? you get a storm.

zara myers is the product of two unhappy people, who couldn't find it in themselves to do what is best for anyone and had the baby anyway. the thing is. the thing is anne longstock has never raised a hand against her daughter, and sometimes her mother likes to remind her that. zara has always had a roof over her head, a mattress to sleep on, a school to go to. these are all luxuries anne thinks her daughter ought to think about, and it's not her fault, is it, that zara's a rogue one, ungrateful and wild. anne likes to think she's done her best with what life had given her -- an accidental pregnancy, an alcoholic baby father, a daughter who refuses to play by any rules.

zara likes to think her mother thinks too highly of herself, she always has. her mother has always relied too heavily on using other people on crutches, and her awful, misbehaving daughter was an inconvenience to a life where she had planned to live by herself and a revolving cycle of men who fell in love with mystery and looks first, heart and soul second. anne was self-centred, spiteful, blamed everyone but herself, but it was true: zara had grown up with her mother, and that was how she was.

and that's. that's fine, zara had decided, too young, yet old enough to understand. the best part of it, in some sad fucked-up way, was that her mother didn't particularly care what she got up to then -- zara had a tendency to do rash things for fun, with a grin that screamed trouble trouble trouble.

girls, she had discovered first, at sleepovers because she didn't want to see her mother and her current boyfriend over dinner that night. girls were pretty, the ones with cherry lipgloss and shiny hair -- girls that zara could never be, but she wanted them, to touch their skin and slip her tongue in their mouths. and zara never thought first, doing things with the intention of doing them, not scared of much because life was an ugly thing and she could handle whatever crap it threw at her.

boys, she had discovered during skipped class, around the back of the school where students weren't supposed to have access to. she kissed with the same ferocity as she did with her girl friends at parties, and it was not better, not worse, only different.

zara was fourteen when she lost her virginity, in her best friend's bed. sex was something she quickly realised she was good at; she liked the feeling she got when someone was panting underneath her, liked relishing in her own pleasure. this was not taboo, not in her home with thin walls and her mother's bed hardly empty, and a reputation sprung up in her schools surrounding her, but it was fine, zara hated all these fuckers anyway and she was moving out as soon as she fucking could.

so her life wasn't great, rocky at best, but things didn't really go to shit until she was fifteen and sitting on the toilet with a pregnancy test with two lines.

zara wasn't stupid, she was safe and had always used condoms, been on the pill even. she'd just been in the process of switching birth control pills, and condoms were only 98% effective, and --- and it could've happened to anyone, except it didn't, it happened to her, and she had snapped the pregnancy test stick in anger.

she doesn't like to think of that defining screaming match in the kitchen with her mother, the tears and the harsh words, the slamming doors and all the pent-up thoughts anne must've had for fucking years that she finally unleashes, because her daughter is a fuck-up, a waste, never done anything right in her life, never done anything but cause fucking trouble, and i'm not having a baby in this house, do you hear me, you are out of here, i've had enough.

so zara had packed her bags and turned her back on her mother, the only family she had --- but her mother had turned her back on her first, so this. this was what it had come to.

her father, though. her father was a completely separate topic that zara had detached herself from, because he wasn't real. he wasn't --- he was a man who had given her half a set of genes and offered a safe place if she needed it, but he wasn't a dad, he was never there and she wasn't stupid enough to count him as family. he was one of her mother's boyfriends, they were all the same really, except he had actually gotten her pregnant, and where did that leave him? an alcoholic who gave zara a birthday card once a year. spotted the two women cash if he had spare, which he rarely did. a man who couldn't even remember his daughter's age most of the time.

but zara had nowhere else to go. she had sent the boy she had slept with three months ago a text to break the news to him in the most detached way she could, but he was two years older, in the middle of a tour with his band that he had left school at sixteen to do, and he simply wasn't interested. she had deleted his number the day she showed up on her father's doorstep to crash on his couch.

she wants to say she handled the entire thing with grace, but when the dust had settled and her head had stopped spinning, she took herself down to the abortion clinic less than a month later and was living back in her mother's house again two days after that.

the entire thing was never spoken about again.

perhaps in another world, zara would've gone to a therapist years before and been diagnosed with depression earlier, but it had taken this life-altering event to make her go. her attendance record at school had always been shit due to lack of caring, but when she failed to get out of bed for the next few weeks, the school had contacted her mother to send her to a doctor. in true, old-fashioned shitty healthcare system tradition, they had advised her to treat her depression with regular meals, regular sleeping patterns, meditation and perhaps some exercise.

and that is how zara found a release in exy.

of course, in the style of her angry attitude and general disdain for adults, she'd given a middle finger to what the doctor had said. she was never a team player, never joined extra curricular clubs in her fucking life, and it was a stroke of luck ( if she was religious, maybe she'd have called it fate ) that she'd been smoking outside the sports hall and caught a glimpse of her school exy team through the doors. their high school exy team was a fucking joke, in a world where football and basketball were much more revered in, but something in zara told her to stick her head into the room, and suddenly she was a member of a team for the first time in her life.

for the next two years, she channeled everything she had into the sport, if only to relieve herself of the suffocating, overwhelming emotions that threatened to drown her if she thought about it too long. to think about exy was to not think about a lost baby, a head of angry thoughts, a mother who looked down on her. to think about exy was to get better and better, and maybe, just maybe, something to grab onto as a lifeline. she had started off as an amateur who had a hell of a forceful swing, and ended up good.

when a coach wymack had reached out to her high school to offer a scholarship after seeing one of her games, zara had taken a short, shining moment to see this opportunity to get the fuck out of here. she'd never heard of the palmetto foxes in her fucking life, never recognised exy as anything other than an after-school activity and the small local leagues against other schools, but this coach was offering her a full ride to a university far away from here, and zara wanted it so badly. she had sworn to herself she was going to make the most of it, wasn't going to give herself a reason to come back home to a mother who didn't look at her in the eye, a father who preferred the bottle to a family, but bad decisions were in zara's blood.

alternates between offensive dealer and striker, currently prefers playing as a dealer, she likes being aggressive and hitting shit

sports science major 

currently in her third year ? i kinda want to make her captain but @ me if that’s a problem fkdkfk

she/her pronouns

bisexual af

[maurawrites]

☼ for Thai/Cassie and greggie

OTP: DON’T BE A HERO

who would be the one to randomly adopt a puppy without consultation 

Thai

Who would force the other to take aesthetic pictures of them 

Tbh, when working out and stuff I could see them both doing this to show off their hard work?  But I really doubt either of them really do it for anything out.  Like, they’re too busy just enjoying life???? why waste time taking pictures to post on the internet for other people’s approval??

who would do stuff they think is stupid just to make the other one happy 

I could see Thai being super ready to do this shit, just bc he’s a goofy guy.  But in the long run, I think both of them would (although, Ic ould see Cassie being a bit more reluctant which only would make it funnier)

who picks out the horror movies to watch just so the other will cling to them 

Tbh I see them both being really into horror movies and like...cheering them on?? Like not even the whole ‘don’t go downstairs!!’ sorta stuff but like....’oH SHIT, YES, GET THAT SLEDGEHAMMER, BASH HIS FACE IN!!’

who is constantly studying and who is constantly trying to distract them 

I feel like Thai is more the kind of person to distract people, and can rarely pay attention to something for more than a few minutes....But like, when Thai is studying for his lieutenant exam, I could see Cassie being so weirded out by him focused and studying that she like tries to distract him?? idk

who initiates the facetime calls whenever they’re separated 

Thai facetimes Cassie but picks up and immediately is like ‘nOW SHOW ME WHO I REALLY CALLED FOR’ (referring to her boobs)

who is more likely to storm out after a fight and who is more likely to cry when they do 

I doubt either of them are criers, and honestly I can’t really see either of them storming out?  Both of them more ‘stand your ground’ type people.  But if I had to pick one I’d guess Thai bc like he wasn’t raised with siblings and stuff so like....Cassie wins in stubborness in that aspect?

who stays up way too late binge-watching their favorite shows 

Thai probably

who bites the other’s ear when they’re feeling frisky 

Cassie?

who sprays the other with water when they’re washing the car 

Thai would 500% spray Cassie, mostly bc it’s funny and he loves pissing her off, but also like....wet t-shirt u kno

who has more fun decorating the house during holidays 

Decorating during the holidays was always a tradition in the Chase household and like tbh in ike 10-20 years I could see him being that person in outdoor lights competition with his neighbors

who is more likely to give the silent treatment when they’re mad at the other 

Cassie?

who plays with the others’ hair more 

Thai.  It’s just so long and gold and yeah.  Sometimes he tugs on it like he’s a 2nd grader though.

who is more likely to climb all over the other one when they’re bored

both (but imagine thai climbing on cassie??? im dying)

who tries to kiss the other as often as they can 

I think at first, Thai is really hesitant esp. around her squad, but as soon as that fades away it’s like he’s making up for lost time or smthn.  It’s not always like, on the mouth though, it’s like her neck or hand or shoulder, anywhere his lips are near tbh.  He’s just an affectionate dude.

who pouts when the other one tells them to shut the fuck up

Honestly imagining Cassie telling Thai to STFU and him pouting is giving me life rn so

who initiates the sex and who walks away when the other is riled up  

I think they both often initiate, but I could see Cassie more likely to walk away.  Thai might do it every once in awhile to tease and thus make it all the better when they do frickity frack

who always forgets the umbrella and who holds it when they actually have one 

Growing up in Edinburgh where it could rain at a drop of a hat whereas Cassie grew up in California, I could see him more likely to remember it and her less so.  And bc he’s 10 feet tall, he’d carry it.

who demands showering first in the mornings 

I don’t think this is generally a problem bc due to their varying shifts, they often aren’t getting up at the same time?

who sneaks into the shower with the other one in the mornings 

Thai.

who prefers riding the roller coasters and who prefers playing the games

Both to both.

who will text the other one thirty times in a row until they respond 

Thai, although it’s almost completely just to annoy her.  Imagine a Stewie from Family Guy sorta situation (’mom mom mom mom mom, mummy, mummy mummy, etc)

who always forgets to charge their phone overnight 

Thai.  bc I feel like having a cellphone charged and on them at all times is more of a neccessity for Cassie than it is for Thai’s job?

who comes up behind the other and slide their hands into their back pockets

both?

who tries to get hugs from the other as often as they can .

I could see hugs being their like...tired intimacy.  Like it’s been a long shift, maybe not even necessarily bad, just long, so they sorta just hug and it’s more like, just leaning on each other and physically keeping each other upright??

who is louder and who constantly has the tell the other to be quiet

Thai is boisterous af, and is the type of person that will be yelling while telling a story and have absolutely no idea he is, no concept of volume tbh.  Cassie is probably constantly telling him to STFU.

OTP: START OF SOMETHING NEW

who would be the one to randomly adopt a puppy without consultation 

I could see Maggie doing it bc like....It was in a box in the street!! HOW COULD SHE SAY NO??

who would force the other to take aesthetic pictures of them 

Once again, neither?  I could see like Maggie having him take photos to document an experience or something but like... I doubt they’re purely for aesthetic purposes?

who would do stuff they think is stupid just to make the other one happy 

both

who picks out the horror movies to watch just so the other will cling to them 

They’re not really a horror movie watching sorta couple.

who is constantly studying and who is constantly trying to distract them 

I think they’re really good at supporting each other and giving each other alone time so like??  But I could see like maybe if one of them is stressing over something the other being like ‘nope, okay, it’d distraction time’ for their own good?

who initiates the facetime calls whenever they’re separated 

Idk, I just see Greyson??  But my guess is it’s probably an even tradeoff (and omg this just gave me feels about how we talked about him having to go home for awhile sTOP)

who is more likely to storm out after a fight and who is more likely to cry when they do 

honestly picturing greyson and maggie in a fight is the weirdest thing??? but like, if I had to pick I’d say Greyson would probably storm out, especially if he’s having a hard time articulating his feeling (which he often does), and bc he just hates fighting?  And then if it was a serious enough of a fight I could see Maggie crying (not to say Greyson wouldn’t be equally as upset)

who stays up way too late binge-watching their favorite shows 

Greyson, ofc, is the night owl of the two due to his insomnia, but I could almost see them making binge watching a bit of a tradition and they would sort enable eachother like??? ‘okay....but like, we have to watch one more right?? like WE nEED TO KNOW IF LESLIE GETS RECALLED OR NOT’

who bites the other’s ear when they’re feeling frisky 

Greyson?? Maybe??  i think he’s more a neck kisser sorta guy tho, like come up behind her, wrap his arms around her waist, kiss her neck, etc

who sprays the other with water when they’re washing the car 

Maggie sprays Gresyon

who has more fun decorating the house during holidays 

(reminds me of that drabble tbh).  Probably Maggie, but she always manages to get him into the spirit as well.

who is more likely to give the silent treatment when they’re mad at the other 

Tbh I think they have a healthy enough of a relationship and are mature enough that they’d probably just talk things through??

who plays with the others’ hair more 

Tbh I could see Maggie playing with his curls, esp. if they’re just lounging around, reading or watching tv or something.

who is more likely to climb all over the other one when they’re bored

??? Maggie ??? bc there is literally no way he could climb all over her.

who tries to kiss the other as often as they can 

i feel like it’s fairly even

who pouts when the other one tells them to shut the fuck up

??? this wouldn’t really happen?? i know most of my answers are like this but....I mean, I could see them softly shushing eachother esp. if they’re in the middle of a book or something but?

who initiates the sex and who walks away when the other is riled up  

Initiation is pretty half and half, and then neither?? Maybe Maggie sorta humorously/teasing/for fun?? idk.

who always forgets the umbrella and who holds it when they actually have one 

Once again, Greyson grew up in London where it could be sunny for five minutes, and rain for the next five so he’s pretty good at that, while Maggie grew up down South?? so like i could see greyson having better instinct on whether they should bring one, but I could see maggie actually remembering to i that makes sense?  And ofc greyson would carry.

who demands showering first in the mornings 

Maggie bc she actually needs to look presentable for her job whereas Greyson’s slept on curls are not only adorable but okay to alphabetize books.

who sneaks into the shower with the other one in the mornings 

They live in New York City, their showers are barely big enough to hold one person, let alone two (one of who is 6+ feet tall)

who prefers riding the roller coasters and who prefers playing the games

All depends what sorta mindset Greyson is in tbh?? Bc sometimes he’s like ‘live life to the fullest!!’and other time he’s full of anxiety so that would obviously make the choice for him.  but like....is it weird that i could see maggie sorta liking roller coasters

who will text the other one thirty times in a row until they respond 

I couldn’t see Greyson really doing this all that much bc like he knows she’s probably in class or something?  But maybe when his anxiety is acting up and he’s like absolutely convinced himself that someone he knew from Maddox has llike fckn kidnapped her or something he would.  I could also see her doing it if he doesn’t respond to the first or second text bc she knows it’s fairly easy for him to have his phone on him during work (although....sometime he forgets his phone at home oops).  Or like, after he tells her the truth about everything?? idk.

who always forgets to charge their phone overnight 

greyson bc he’s a space cadet.

who comes up behind the other and slide their hands into their back pockets

Maggie into Greyson? esp. when her hands are cold.

who tries to get hugs from the other as often as they can .

I feel like Greyson is a big hugger tbh

who is louder and who constantly has the tell the other to be quiet

Well Greyson definitely isn’t a loud person so....by elimination, Maggie? (now imagining drunk, loud maggie and dying tbh)

[red-hemlock]

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ any verse, m8

Send me in Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ and I’ll fill this out for our two characters (Can be Shippy or Platonic)

@culebral

Takes the most photos:

(Richard. Kinda. He’s probably paying someone to take pictures of her in the hopes he can get some blackmail on her ass, but he’s probably taken a few himself, lol.)

Talks in their sleep:

(…….Probably neither in this verse. 8T;;;;; Maybe Richard still, falling asleep in a tiny desk during some Parent Day activity Riv’s made-up; and having nightmares about his shitty wife.)

Takes Petty Revenge on their partner over minor offenses:

(BOTH OF THEM. THEY’RE PRETTY MUCH AT WAR WITH EACH OTHER, THOUGH RICHARD’S THE ONE GETTING THE MOST SRS ABOUT IT AND RIVER IS MOSTLY DOING IT IN FEARFUL RETORT TO HIM.)

Talks the other into doing things out of their comfort zone:

(RICHARD. THOUGH NOT WITH WORDS, MORE SO THAN ACTIONS, HE LITERALLY ‘INSPIRED’ HER TO GET A GUN MAN, GEEZUS.)

Watches the most TV:

(Uhhh River, probably. Though in this verse she watches it for the news and weather, and maybe a soap opera or two on the weekends if she has time. Richard never has time, the workaholic.)

Lives off of microwave meals and takeout if no one cooks for them:

(RIVERRRR…. She STILL sucks at cooking, so pre-heated meals and takeout are an unfortunate staple in the Locke household. Richard is rich af so he can hire professionals to come do that shit for him and Arliss.)

Watches reality TV shows seriously:

(Ehhh, neither? Both of them are extremely busy with their careers in this verse, and I still can’t see Richard ‘liking’ Reality TV… Like… Ever. unless it was some weird Crack!Verse maybe or he’s been hypnotized to like it. 8T)

Watches Reality TV shows as a joke:

(Again, I don’t see either f them being into Reality TV all that much or having the time to watch it seriously, let alone as a joke. MAYBE River by a tiny amount, she’s probably tried to give a crappy-quality soap a watch and given-up halfway through the season.)

Kicks ASS at video games:

(River! Again, Dagny loves her games in this verse, but I can see Riv getting into them too to bond with her daughter and be more ‘on-level’ with the interests of her students. It’s probably what makes her so popular with them. xD)

Only plays games on their phone:

(TBH I CAN SEE RICHARD DOING THIS IN THIS VERSE?! He probably fiddles with his phone out of boredom while waiting between meetings or in his office on the off-chance he has a break. I can see him getting into strategy games or those games that let you gamble on them. ARLISS HAS PROBABLY DOWNLOADED STUFF IN THERE TOO.)

Has the plan for a Zombie Apocolypse:

(Honestly… Neither? Both of them are fairly ‘normal’ in this verse. At least A LOT MORE in comparison to the Superhero or Mainverse. I doubt their derpy adult asses even think about/believe in a possible zombie apocalypse happening. 8P)

Does the crafty things:

(RIVER, AND HER HOUSE AND CLASSROOM IS LITERALLY FILLED WITH CRAFT STUFF. PLAY-DOH AND BEADS AND GLUE AND CONSTRUCTION PAPER OUT THE WAZOO, LOL. HE HITS-UP PINTEREST ON THE DAILY.)

Reads kids/YA books rather than age appropriate literature:

(Again, River. Though on a lot BIGGER of a scale than in Mainverse. River probably has a small ‘library’ in the classroom for kids to use during Free Time, so she’ll visit the city library or bookstores looking for new books to give the kids… APPROPRIATE BOOKS.)

Quotes stupid things in day to day life:

(Uhhhh maybe River? Richard seems a lot more strict in this verse, she probably says something adorably dumb yet still ironically-fitting, and it just annoys the heck out of him. xD)

Insists that they HAVE to take the top bunk in bunkbeds:

(Eh I can’t see them wanting to sleep in the same room as each other at this point. But maybe both, because they want to be ‘on top’ over the other and they’re still as petty as ever.)

Still sleeps with a stuffed animal:

(…………BOTH. Okay but hear me out, it’s not by CHOICE but because they’re daughters bring them? C’MON HOW CUTE WOULD IT BE FOR THEIR KIDS TO CRAWL INTO BED WITH THEM TO SLEEP FOR THE NIGHT BECAUSE THEY’RE SCARED OF THE DARK OR ARLISS BECAUSE HER MOM IS BEING EXTRA-SHITTY. AND THEY BRING THEIR STUFFED ANIMALS.)

Has the biggest nostalgia:

(Mayyyybe River? With her lover lost and her and her daughter having moved somewhere different in terms of size and the attitudes/financial status of the people they live around and work with, she probably has more to wax nostalgia about. Richard is still stuck in heck with his mean-ass gold-digger wife, he don’t have the time and ability for that yet. xD;;;;)

[itakesurveys]

Survey 288

Boyfriend & I are taking this survey together; 

when did you last see someone you know in public? Joshua: hmmmm.. i think it was my uncle in target.  Zachary: no idea. i had to be years. 

do you enjoy going to the dentist? Joshua: ehhh no my favorite place.  Zachary: whatever. idc. 

when did you last eat something you didn’t like? Joshua: hmmm... no idea. i don’t eat things i don’t like?  Zachary: today.. a breakfast sandwich from McDonalds. 

do you think you’d survive if zombies took over the world? Joshua: 10000%  Zachary: ^^^ i’d kick all their asses. 

when did you last hang out with a bunch of friends at one time? Joshua: after my best friends wedding.  Zachary: like a month ago. 

what kind of music is your least favorite? Joshua: hmmmm... christian rock?  Zachary: country? 

are you and your best friend complete opposites? Joshua: no 1000% the same. Zachary: i wouldn’t say complete opposites. 

would people around you say you’re regularly a mean person? Joshua:  no.  Zachary: ^^^^ 

do you like the color yellow at all? Joshua:  YES MY FAV. i do love yellow roses.  Zachary: yeah. 

if you were to write a novel, what would it be about? Joshua: hmmm.. . pop culture?  Zachary: fantasy, or my life story? 

how many times have you logged in to Bzoink? Joshua: no idea what that is?  Zachary: never. 

are you currently pretending to be someone’s friend? Joshua:  nahhhh. can’t be bothered.  Zachary: nope i’m not. 

are you an impatient person? Joshua:  nah.  Zachary: sometimes. yes. 

are you afraid to watch movies that have sex scenes with your friends? Joshua:  lol.... no.  Zachary: bring on the sex. haha. 

who sings the last song you listened to? Joshua: little mix.  Zachary: ^^^ 

why do you think some actors don’t want to see their movies/shows? Joshua:  i can see that. people are super critical of themselves.  Zachary: embarrassed. 

do you think fortune tellers are the devil’s messengers? Joshua: no  no no.  Zachary: that sounds so stupid. 

would you rather use napkins or paper towels? Joshua:  paper towels i guess?  Zachary: ^^ 

do you go to the pool in the summer time very often? Joshua:  nah.  Zachary: nah. 

have you ever had a serious issue involving your eyes? Joshua:  nahhh.  Zachary:  i can’t see shiiit. 

have you ever watched South Park? who’s your favorite character? Joshua: yeah here and there.  Zachary: i don’t care about it. 

do you have sensitive teeth? Joshua:  nope.  Zachary: yeah, sure. kinda. 

do you enjoy or hate snow days? why is this your choice? Joshua: i enjoy snowdays, dah.  Zachary: ^^^ 

do you turn pale when you get sick? Joshua:  yes.  Zachary: yesss. 

does it bother you to get shots in the mouth? does it hurt? Joshua: ummm yes. gross.  Zachary: you don’t really feel it. 

when did you last talk seriously with one of your parents? Joshua: mmmm no idea. month ago.  Zachary: let me check my texts. this past Wednesday. 

what is the day of the week currently? Joshua:  sunday.  Zachary: ^^ 

is anything exciting coming up in the next three months? Joshua:  moving! Zachary: ^^^^ 

do you ever borrow money from someone? Joshua: nahhh.  Zachary: yeah, my broke af. 

when did you last kiss someone on the cheek? who was it? Joshua:  my doood. this morning.  Zachary: ^^  like 30 min ago. 

do you have a lot of enemies, or not so much? Joshua: nahhh. people do seem to judge me tho.  Zachary: nahh. because i don’t care enough. 

can you count backwards from 100 without a mistake? Joshua: idk.  Zachary: ya, its numbers. just count backwards. 

do you have any friends you’ve had since birth? Joshua:  yes. andrea.  Zachary: my sister & cousins. 

do you care if your friends talk badly about you? Joshua: dahhh.  who are they?  Zachary: I”M SORRY WHAT WAS SAID? lol. if they talk bad they aren’t friends? 

would you rather drink out of a straw or just the cup alone? Joshua:  strawwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.  Zachary: depends on what i’m drinking. 

does anyone ever say they miss you often? Joshua: yes.  Zachary: my dood even though we are together everyday. 

would you rather become a wizard or a vampire, if you had the choice? Joshua: wizard.  Zachary: ^^^ 

is there anyone out there who has made you feel miserable? Joshua:  prob.  Zachary: ya. 

do you have a problem answering personal questions? Joshua: nope.  welll... maybe yes.  Zachary: sometimes yes. most of the time. 

what color is the vacuum-cleaner in your house? Joshua: white.  Zachary: i don’t even know where the vacuum cleaner is. 

have you already moved out of your parents’ house? Joshua: yes. but i’m back but leaving this month.  Zachary: yes. 

are your parents divorced, married or separated? Joshua:  divorced.  Zachary: ^^ 

have you ever thought you might just have obsessive compulsive disorder? Joshua:  i did as a child. i had so much built up anxiety i use to be super anal and collect things. i collected my toys rather then playing with them and excessive cleaning but then i broke from it after i came out and accepted myself. but now i struggle with the major opposite.  Zachary: yes. 

do you think it’s rude to text someone else while on a date? Joshua: yes.  Zachary: well dah. 

what is the funniest movie you’ve ever seen? Joshua: hmmmm Bridesmaids?  Zachary: The Heat? Scary Movie 2? 

what are your views on our current president? Joshua: AMERICAN TRASHHHHH. Zachary: in short. NEXTTTTT. 

has one of your websites ever quit operating or shut down? were you sad? Joshua: xanga! myspace.  Zachary: nah. 

is it awkward to see your best friend’s parents out in public? Joshua: umm no?  Zachary: i say “heyyyyyyy” 

who is the person you talk to the most in your house? Joshua:  my dood.  Zachary: my boyfriend. 

is there a television show out there that you never miss? Joshua:  a lot of them. Zachary: right now, the last and final season of Arrow. 

what movie have you seen too many times to be healthy? Joshua:  Titanic, The Danish Girls  Zachary: Resident Evil. 

what are the last two digits of your phone number? Joshua:  25.  Zachary: YOU WISH YOU KNEWW. 

does it creep you out to see people with mullets? Joshua:  no. it’s sad.  Zachary: it’s fucking gross. 

what is your biggest responsibility in your household? Joshua: supporting my dood.  Zachary: wearing a burger king crown, dah. haha. 

how cold did it get where you live last winter? Joshua:  idk. -3?  Zachary: idk, wasn’t that bad of winter. 

do you ever wish you could go back in time to redo something? Joshua: yes.  Zachary: yes. 

ever accidentally pull out a filling from your tooth? Joshua: omg noo.  Zachary: nooo i don’t have any cavities. 

do you ever wonder what your exes are doing? Joshua: not even a little.  Zachary: no. 

have you ever been caught in a huge lie with your parents? Joshua: i’m sure?  Zachary: no, because i don’t care and never felt i need to lie. fuck it. 

do you ever listen to the radio anymore? Joshua: nahhh.  Zachary: i like talk shows in the morning. 

does it bother you to have personal conversations with people? Joshua: depends.  Zachary: didn’t i answer this. 

ever ride in a limo? when did you last do so? Joshua:  yes prom.  Zachary: ya, i road in a limo on way to britney spears concert. 

do any of your body parts hurt at this moment in time? Joshua: yes my back.  Zachary: my left ball. haha. 

are you sober at the time being? Joshua: yes.  Zachary: yes but not for longg. 

do any of your friends constantly do things to annoy you? Joshua: no.  Zachary: nah. do you have any friends? 

when did you last eat a Starburst? what color was it? Joshua:  not my thang.  Zachary: idk, april? 

have you ever lied to someone and said they could sing when they couldn’t? Joshua: nahhh.  Zachary: no. 

do you ever call backstabbers out on what they do? Joshua:  can’t be bothered.  Zachary: fuck yeah, don’t be fake hoe. 

how many people in the world do you trust? Joshua: idk, 5.  Zachary: idk, 3. 

[christinamirabilis]

ask meme for the lols cos i’m sick and sad and feeling sorry for myself

Sunrise or sunset?  Sunrise

Are you mentally ill?  Like, I have a mental illness, but I’m not ill.

Are you physically ill?  I have a nasty cold right now.

What is the most expensive thing you have bought?  Either my scooter or the electric piano I used to have, they cost roughly the same I think.

Do you have a job?  Yes I work in a bookstore.

Are you in school?  I’m at university.

Are you a dropout?  I have dropped out of university in the past.

Are you in college?  I’m at university.

Introvert or extrovert?  Most of the time I think I’m an introvert but then occasionally I wonder if I might be an ambivert but honestly it doesn’t really matter.

What do you think when you look at your body?  Gross but nice titties.

What have others said when they look at your body?  Nice titties.

Do you have a particular song that you feel deeply?  Quite a few, but Goodbye by Apparat ft. Soap & Skin always makes me feel things, and usually not in a good way, I associate it pretty strongly with my suicide attempt in 2013

Talk about a time in your life where you have felt most alive? S and I went dancing at Boogie Wonderland just before it closed down - that was the night of my last choir concert, and we had had dinner with my parents, and we had a few drinks and went out dancing and we were so happy and in love and couldn’t keep our hands off each other.

Are you confident wearing a bikini?  Nah but I do it anyway.

Can you look people in the eyes while talking?  Mostly, but sometimes I become aware of the fact that it is polite to make eye contact and all of a sudden it feels like a terrible struggle to maintain it.

Has anything terrible happened to you?  Everyone has had at least one terrible thing happen to them.  I guess the worst thing that has happened to me is that people hurt me when I was very young and that made me unwell.

Has anything wonderful happened to you?  I had the chance to become well again and hopefully turn my experiences to good.

Favourite part of your personality?  I don’t know, but I do think I am very resilient and reasonably empathetic?

Least favourite part of your personality?  Hoo boy where do I start?  Probably my lack of motivation/tendency to procrastinate.

Favourite part of your body?  Titties.

Least favourite part of your body?  Everything that’s not the titties.

Favourite quote?  “Last year I abstained / This year I devour / Without guilt / Which is also an art” - Margaret Atwood.

Do you have friendships with all genders?  More or less.

Do you have a good relationship with your father?  Yeah, it wasn’t good when I was a teenager but it’s good now.

Do you have a good relationship with your mother?  Yeah, as above.

Do you have a good relationship with your siblings?  As above haha.

Have you ever been hurt physically or mentally by a family member?  Yeah lmao.

Have you ever had a near death experience?  Two should-be-dead near-death experiences, two could-have-died near-death experiences.

Do you know anyone who has taken their own life?  No.

Have you ever tried to take your own life?  Five times.

Biggest lie you have told?  “No I’m not planning to hurt myself.”

Do you follow any conspiracies?  I mean, I don’t know what this question is asking.

Do you believe in a New World Order?  I have no idea because I know nothing about it, but the kinds of people that talk about the New World Order are, in my experience, also the type of people who seem to be anti-vaccination and hold generally very unscientific views about the world, so I am very sceptical.

Do you respect your government and the way your country is run?  I mean, I guess so, we’re supposed to be one of the least corrupt countries in the world, so I suppose I have little to complain about, but we’ve had a conservative government since 2008 and I feel like everything would be a lot better if they were no longer in power, fingers crossed that Labour get their shit together for the election this year (although I will and always do vote for the Greens).

Is there currently any strife in your country?  There’s probably some avocado shortage or something, or, actually, I did read an article this morning about people complaining about bee poop in Whanganui, but that’s it.

Have you ever been displaced within your country?  No.

Are your friendships healthy?  I would say so.

Are you currently fighting with a friend?  Not that I’m aware of.

Are you jealous of a friend? Why?  Not currently.

Do you believe in the Illuminati?  See the answer to question 34.

Do you think any celebrities are associated with the Illuminati? Who?  See the answer to question 34.

How can people tell you are nervous?  If i’m either quiet or talking more than usual, fidgety, shaky, stuttering a lot, etc.

How can people tell you are sad?  Quiet, withdrawn, tendency to isolate and not really eat.

Do you ever express your true feelings?  Whenever I can.

Regrets in your life?  Not doing my best to hold on to the love of my life, taking so long to figure out where the fuck my life is going.

Achievements in your life?  Not being dead, I did some cool music stuff once, I bought a vegetable last week.

What did people say about you in school?  Psycho attention-seeking lesbian but also really smart.

What did you say about people in school?  Please do not pay attention to me and let me be psycho in peace also I have never had a gay thought iN MY LIFE

Is there something you have never told anyone?  I don’t think so.

Have you committed an illegal act?  Of course, who hasn’t?  I have jaywalked and pirated and even shoplift a couple of times.

If you had two days to spend one million dollars how would you spend it?  Get someone to show me how to buy shares, then buy one million dollars worth of shares.  The next day, liquidate it all, chuck it in my bank account, dolla dolla bill y’all!  and then get on the first flight to Canada.

What were your aspirations at age 5, 10, 15, 18?  Ballerina, novelist, composer, death.

Describe your first kiss? Was it how you imagined?  I don’t remember it, I was drunk and then he date raped me.

Growing up were you in a wealthy, average, or low income household?  Low income.

Are you from a broken marriage?  No, my parents are extremely married.

Have you been raised by a solo parent?  As above

Do you know both your parents?  As above.

What colour eyes, hair and skin do you have?  Blue eyes, purple hair, pale af white skin.

Have you abused drugs or alcohol?  Nah.

What languages can you speak?  English, some French, a tiny bit of NZSL.

Do you conform to your society’s standards?  I live in a very loose-individualistic culture so there really aren’t a lot of standards to conform to.  But I am a purple-haired lesbian who is covered in self-harm scars so I guess I’m not the poster child for this society.

Do you cry often?  Not usually, but I have cried a lot in the past four months or so.

Do you tell people what you think of them?  It depends on whether I like them or not.

Are you comfortable accepting compliments?  It depends on the compliment and the person giving the compliment.  But I do my best because I know that the person giving the compliment usually means it.

Are you comfortable giving compliments?  Yeah, I think people should know their good qualities, plus it costs nothing to bring a little positiveness to someone’s day.

Is any mental illness hindering your life?  It doesn’t make it easy, no.

Is any physical illness hindering your life?  Right now this cold is stopping me from being comfortable.

Do you keep up with current events?  Not really, only things that I passively read or hear about, I’m too sensitive and I just get upset otherwise.

What’s the latest news in the world you have heard/read?  People in Whanganui are upset about bee poop.

What have you done today?  Very little, because I’m sick - woke up from a nightmare about S, cried because I miss her and I always get stupid emotional when I’m sick, went back to sleep, got up late and had a shower, ate some food and finished watching A Series of Unfortunate Events, went to the supermarket, came home and sat on the couch and started watching Legion, and that’s pretty much it.

Do you sleep well?  Normally, if I take all my meds - prazosin to stop most of the nightmares, magnesium for muscle relaxation, helps sleeping oh my god I feel like everyone should take it because it’s amazing.

Do you sleep badly?  I mean, like, the answer to the previous question probably answers this one.

Have you ever hurt anyone because you were hurting?  Yeah and I regret it every day.  But the person I hurt and I are on good terms and they’ve forgiven me for it, so that’s nice.  I used to do stuff like that when I was 19 and really unwell, in residential treatment, but I haven’t done it since then, so it was a pretty nasty realisation that I had done that, but I guess it was a measure of just how unbearably I was hurting, and just how much I loved the person who was the cause of the hurt.

Has anyone ever hurt you because they were hurting?  Yeah.

Have you ever had to end a friendship/relationship? Why?  I had to end a friendship with someone because they were really frickin awful and told me that I didn’t deserve access to the rape crisis service that helped me deal with my sexual abuse trauma (that this person knew about) as much as they did, because they’re trans, and that to not admit that my sexual abuse was somehow not as bad as theirs was transphobic.  So, yeah, you can see why I ended that relationship, although this person still probably feels like the wronged party - I don’t know, though, I haven’t spoken to them in two years, and honestly I have never missed them even a little bit because they were extremely hard work to be friends with, one of the most self-absorbed people I’ve ever had the displeasure of knowing.

Have you ever stopped someone from hurting themselves?  Yeah.

Has anyone ever stopped you from hurting yourself?  Haha, yes.

Do you like your laugh?  I think it’s kind of ugly although I don’t really think about it much, but I’ve heard from others that it’s cute so idk.

Are you preparing for an apocalypse? And what kind?  No, I plan to just let it happen and lie down on the ground with a paper bag over my head, Hitchhiker’s Guide-style.

Do you have any funny family stories?  Not really, my family are boring as fuck.

Are you religious?  No.

Do you like to watch true crime shows or movies?  I mean, I guess, but they’re certainly not my favourite genre.

Are you interested in cults?  I don’t want to BE in a cult, but I do find them very interesting.

Would you like to raise a family in your country?  I guess so, my country’s pretty good.

List some things you wanted in your childhood but never got?  I honestly can’t think of anything apart from minor material objects that mean nothing and the lack of which had zero impact on my life.  I guess, I could have done with a normal childhood in that I never felt secure, always felt scared, and that was down to the sexual abuse that I suffered.  If I hadn’t been abused, I would have been able to feel safe, and, like, that would have made a huge difference.

Is there a large age gap between you and a sibling?  No, she’s only two and a bit years younger than me.

Are you from a blended family?  No.

Do you believe in marriage? Why/Why not?  I don’t think there’s anything wrong with marriage.  And I don’t take the view that some queer people take that marriage equality is assimilationist - although I do very much agree that it really only benefits middle-class and up white cis queers, because marriage is not something that working-class queers care about when they’re literally just trying to stay alive, so marriage is the least of the problems.  But apart from the fact that marriage equality is only a superficial victory in the queer struggle for equality, I do still think that it is a nice, important step, like, it is good for morale in some ways I think.  Anyway, that doesn’t answer the question.  I think, for myself, I would like to get married.  I kind of want all of the things I wanted as a little girl, even though I assumed that it would be with a man - marriage, honeymoon, travelling the world together, raising children together.  Things that I wanted, and then thought I would never have when I was convinced that I was going to die, and that nobody would ever love me regardless.  And then I learned that I was gay, and I learned that I really did want to be loved, and I did want all those things that little-girl me wanted.  But, honestly, that stuff is not important.  Getting married is not important, the travelling the world together is not important, even raising children together is not important - what I want, more than anything, is to be with my soulmate and to love and be loved unconditionally.  And whatever adventures await us is all I need.  That probably sounds cheesy and idealistic but, yeah, I don’t know.  That’s just what I want.  Unfortunately I still have a pretty concrete, unshakeable belief that S is my soulmate and so yeah, that’s pretty hard, but yeah.  We’ll see what the future holds.

What is the nicest thing anyone has said to you?  I don’t know what the nicest thing EVER said to me was, but the nicest thing I remember recently was when my kaiako at wānanga told me that I reminded him of a friend of his, someone that is really cool, and that he thought I seemed like a really cool person - he said this to me even though he had only met me a couple of times, and had no reason to say this, and just, yeah, it was really genuine and it made me feel really good.

Do you keep a journal?  Not anymore.

Would anyone be hurt by reading it?  Not anymore.

Do you have children?  No.

Have you been pregnant?  Hell no.

List your favourite movies?  Nah too hard.

List your favourite people?  Nah too many.

Talk about the birthmarks and scars on your body?  No birthmarks.  I have scars on my arms and my right thigh from self-harm, one under my right eyebrow from an old eyebrow piercing, and one on the bottom of my left foot from when I had a veruca cut out when I was 13.

Do you look after yourself?  Lmao no.

Do you put yourself or others first?  It depends on the situation, I try my best to do the right thing.

Are you happy today?  Not really, I’m sick and I miss S so frickin much.

Are you loved?  Yes, but not the way I’d like to be loved.