#even though theres only one bitch in my life who would say this

[roatmeal]

You seem like tha type of bitch what never got slurmed off the Lurch...and it shows laughing crying emoji laughing crying emoji red one hundred number emoji cat crying laughing emoji period enter key and you know what else I thought of oh God there's a fucking oh my god there's been an accident Siri stop text to typing and call nine one one and emergency services right fucking now he's killing people he's shooting people on the highway on my god his wife is oh my god no no no grab the kids no please God have mercy please Lord Jesus watch over these precious children oh my God oh wait nevermind it was some sort of viral prank or something yeah it was a prank the kids are laughing and holding their phones up like they're filming something the mom is crying and she doesn't look happy at all the guy is laughing ha ha everyone is laughing and pointing at her ha ha what a dumb broad oh it's still text to typing well anyway yeah

I saw the first few words and the length of the text and thought I was about to read the most devastating anon hate of my life but no ur right I never did get slurmed off the lurch and honestly that's on me

[fadeintolight]

pont pont vesszőcske

[chrissdollie]

rapper!chris x singer!reader hcs

a/n: lowkey a collab with @bambi-slxt bc of all the headcanons she sent me LMAOO thank u sweets!! <3

SFW

chri$ is definitely one of the more "soft" rappers. everyone knows that hes a lovesick puppy for you. he doesnt have ONE line including the words "my bitch". instead he replaces them with "my girl" OR "my wife" :((

i think he would 100% make an album fully dedicated to you. kinda like tyler the creator's "call me if you get lost" in a way. for example, in the song "HEAVEN TO ME", tyler explains his dreams. chris would rap about all of the things he wants to do with you and how he sees you in his life forever

he has many features on peace on the beach with my peach since its partially about your guys' sweet relationship! theres moments in the record where there are beautiful beats paired with your heavenly vocals and cute voice cracks while chri$ is dropping barssss (ill make a post ab lyrics i think he'd add)

sososososo supportive of your creative journey. he was with you as you wrote and planned out your extremely personal debut. he even helped out at the studio :c

but then you started adventuring some time after your 2nd-3rd album. you started experimenting with different genres/styles. you created storylines and visuals along with your music.

out of the two of you, chri$ is definitely more famous. anyhow, he got invited to the met gala and had u has his plus one obviously, where you both looked drop dead gorgeous!! i literally cannot see him wearing a basic ass suit and tie to the met. he has to be on your level and match your uniqueness which make you two stand out so much!

when you both got up the steps, he was being interviewed by emma chamberlin, who was also a fan of his. she asked about the creative process of his newly released album and he totallyy put you in the spotlight, saying "yn helped me a lott honestly. she's... literally a genius." he grins, turning to you while keeping his hand on your waist.

you guys like toying with the paparazzi when they're bothering you. you goofballs make silly faces right in the cameras so they back off

one time when you were being interviewed, your sweet boy wrapped his arms around your waist as he listened to you talk. you were a little nervous and stuttered a bit, but chris consoled you by rubbing small circles into your waist and whispering a gentle "it's okay baby" to your ear.

you fangirl on stage when you catch your boyfriend's eyes in the front row. sometimes you entirely stop what you're singing just to giggle and squeal "hiiii honey!!" while twirling your hair like a little girl. the audience cheers with screams when they realize chris is with them in the crowd-- but feels like its only you two in the stadium when he blows you a kiss (some corny shit he never thought he'd do) and mouth the words "i love you".

for the holidays, u two visit homeless shelters and childrens hospitals and perform for everybody <3

imagine just hanging out at the studio with him and your guys' friends. he's manspreading on a leather couch while massaging your feet resting in his lap as you write lyrics in your lap, your friends helping you out as you do.

you knew that somewhere down the line there was going to be some kind of beef. a popular rapper decided to call out chris for something he did years ago as a literal child. you both ignore it until he sends out a tweet about you. something around, "nd his bitch bad asf id hit fs but she a fuckin weirdass childish mf"

you ignore the fact he called u a "weirdass childish mf", you cant care less, many people dont vibe with ur ideas and thats okay!

u do however care about how his girlfriend would react to seeing him wanting to fuck you. and you'd met her before too, she was a little snobbish, but respectful nonetheless. you joked to your boyfriend about dropping your own diss track on him, but he actually seem intrigued. you shut it down almost immediately though, you didn't wanna make something small such a big deal

but at the next big event you guys went to, you found the rapper's girlfriend and showed her his tweet. she thanked you with a furious scowl on her face before she ran off and slapped the shit out of him in front of everybody

chris gets a custom made $5k chain that has ur name and little details that remind him of u around it :((

NSFW

speaking of that chain, he wears it whenever he pounds into you so you'll be reminded of how he's yours.

chris loves ur vocals so much on stage! he finds them beautiful, but he loves them even more in bed.

"cmon mama lemme hear that pretty voice"

in fact, you two created a song just to have playing in the background while you two get intimate

chris audio recorded him eating u out once and you saying, "oh, fuck chris, it's so good!" and he decided to use that as an adlib in his favorite songs OR disses he wrote about someone being a jerk to u

watching chris perform did things to you. seeing him sweat, brushing his gorgeous hair out of his face, putting in so much energy into his performance... it's intoxicating! sometimes you wish he'd just drop the mic, pull you onstage, and make love to you infront of the world.

he talks about marrying you while he's balls deep inside of your wet cunt :( saying how he wants to drop a humongous bag on your ring, give you the wedding of your dreams, and how he desperately wants to hear "missus sturniolo" from others' mouths

chris will totally pop up behind stage after a show and guide you to your dressing room not so subtly. you apologize to your manager before rushing to your private room like a giddy teenager. "wanna see her sweetheart, she wet for me righ' now? oh, there she is.." he coos as he bends down to his knees right in front of your pussy when you pull down your pretty pink stage costume.

@leah-loves-lilies @1everythingmustgo @star-sturn @junnniiieee07 @mattsneezing @freshloveee@freshsturns@emma4eva @r6diosturns @matthasmywholeheart @donthugmeimhot @blahbel668 @chrissturnsss @joanofarcily @mattscoquette @slutsturn @sturnioloremarker @ashley9282828 @jnkvivi @sturncakez @lanasturn @riasturns @st7rnioioss @strnlxlqve @starlace111 @mattsfavbigtitties @stvrlighht

[doll-for-you-11]

Who's the most inappropriate person you've ever wanted to fuck?

I think I've said this somewhere on here before. But Ive never met my dad and theres always been this dark little fantasy in the back of my mind of him tracking me down and asking to meet. Promising that hes changed from the stories ive been told and he'd like to get to know me.

Everything starts off normal we meet for lunch and talk and then he tells me he wants to make up for lost time and he takes me shopping. Shoes clothes makeup, the normal stuff but at some point he disappears for a few minutes and comes back with wet hair as if he'd been outside in the rain.

He hugs me goodbye and we arrange to hang out again the next time he's in town but then my car doesn't start. He offers to call a tow truck for me and drives me to the shop. He talks to the man and the conversation from afar looks as though hes trying to stike a deal. I assume to get me a cheaper price. And then the mechanic comes over and says it wont be done till tomorrow but he'll do it for cheap and he and my dad shake hands and exchange some money.

He starts driving me home, but says he needs to stop by his air bnb on the way. When we get there he invites me in, saying its not a good neighborhood and he doesn't want to leave me in the car.

The second we get inside he locks the door and his entire demeanor changes. His eyes darken and slams me against the wall. Holding my hands above my head and laughing at me.

Im terrified to silence as he looks me up and down, dragging me down the hall to the bedroom where the bed is already set up with rope and cuffs. I try to fight him but im so in shock i cant as he straps me down and pulls out a knife. "Sit still Princess, wouldn't wanna make you bleed already".

He cuts off my clothes, leaving only my panties as he traces the knife over my slit. My body shudders and he chuckles before leaning over me and licking up my neck, biting my ear and licking back down to my chest. The wet saliva leaving goosebumps as my nipples harden and I gasp as he takes one in his mouth.

I whimper, begging him to stop but he doesn't listen. Acting as though he cant hear me. "Ive always wanted a daughter, free pussy who cant get away from me?" He sucks harshly before moving to the other side. "A cunt made from my cock for my cock? Literally designed to fit me? A dream come true" he sits up, straddling me and grabs my chin forcing my mouth open as he leans over me. "And you, you stupid little bitch, so desperate for a daddy didn't even hesitate at a strange man taking you out" he spits in my mouth. "So..fucking...easy" he growls out, accentuating each word with a slap to my face as tears begin to fall down my stinging cheeks.

He climbs off me grabbing a bag from the floor and pulling a gag from it. He then slices off my panties, licks them and then forces them into my mouth with the gag in front to hold them deep inside as I nearly choke on the lace.

He spends the next hour licking, sucking, biting, slapping, and pinching every inch of my body. Bruises and scratches left in his wake as I writhe against my binds, choking on my own sobs.

Against my will, my pussy is a dripping mess, a puddle under my ass that i feel with every movement i make. He laughs at me more, slapping my already sore tits. "You want your daddy to fuck you? Hmmm? You a desperate little whore?" He mocks as he runs a finger up my soaked slit.

"I think I wanna tease you first, we've been waiting your whole life for this, we gotta stretch it out. Play first, make up for lost time" he lays down and licks against my slick inner thighs, moaning at the taste "if id been around while you were growing up you would have known how my tounge felt the minute you hit highschool baby, id have had to ruin you before one of those idiot teenagers got a hold of your tight little cunt"

He continues to lick around my pussy, my thighs, my stomach, my hips, until my body is arching towards him desperately on its own. And then finally he gives in and eats me out as though he hasnt eaten in months. Aggressive and sloppy, teeth and tounge fighing eachother as he tounge fucks me, moving up to run his teeth over my clit, laughing as i squeel behind my gag and my ass jumps against him. He sucks harshly and forces two fingers inside without warning making me moan.

He stops immediately, slapping my cunt hard. "No moaning, you may be a whore but you're not gonna act like you enjoy getting raped, my daughter isnt a filthy little slut is she? You dont want this do you?" He slaps my clit this time making me scream under the gag. "I didn't get a chance to teach you this was okay for me to to, you'd better not have had anyone else teaching you about this shit. Im gonna train you to want me and only me and you're not gonna moan because this is for my entertainment not yours. Youre my toy, i use you, your pleasure doesn't matter and if you act as though you want more im gonna make it hurt" he slaps me again before standing and ripping his belt off, climbing over me and forcing his cock into me as hard as he physically can.

I scream under the gag as he rips me open on his cock. And he doesn't wait or go slow. No he rails into me, hands gripping my tits as of they were handles, hand shaped bruises already forming as he pumps into me like a jack hammer.

My eyes roll back and I cum almost immediately from him hitting against my g spot so perfectly. And when he notices he grips my throat until i see starts, screaming at me, but I cant understand what hes saying as he keeps fucking me harder and harder.

He rips his cock out of me and cuts the leather cuffs from my wrists before flipping me over and forcing me into a doggy position. Pushing my face into the mattress and leaning over me. His hard cock, dripping with my juices rubbing against my sore, twitching pussy.

"Did you ever dream of this my little cunt?" He asks, lips against my ear. "Did you ever dream about your dear old dad finding you and raping you? I bet you did. I bet this was a little fantasy of yours. You wouldn't enjoy it so much if you hadnt wanted it. You're disappointing me here babgirl. I wanted to rape you, I wanted to break you, take you from a scared little brat to begging for my cock but im not going to get to do that now because you are such a disgusting little whore"

I whimper again but its barely audible. He leans back but I dont dare move. I feel him shuffle around and then i hear his belt buckle jingle as he picks it up again. I know whats coming as i clench my teeth and cry before the first hit even comes.

He wraps it around his fist and draws back, whipping it against my ass so hard i fall forward out of position. He grabs my hair ripping me back up so my back is against his chest and begins to whip my tits from behind. Im crying and begging through the gag but he cant understand it even if he cared enough to listen. He whips them till they're black and blue and my nipples are throbbing before pushing my face back into the bed and doing the same to my ass.

"Now, since I cant train you to want my cock in your cunt, im gonna train you to want it somewhere else"

he doesn't even give me any warning to think of what that means before hes forcing his cock into my virgin ass dry. I scream, my vision going black for a minute at the pain, all sound ceasing from my throat as my eyes roll back and he groans in pleasure.

He fucks my ass hard and fast my body tense in his grip unable to move or fight. And just as the pain begins to fade he's pulling out and flipping me over pumping himself across my bruised tits and my face.

When he finishes he picks up the belt again and whips my cunt a few times. "Thats to remind you that you dont deserve to feel good, you were designed to please me, you dont matter".

Then he binds me again, takes pictures of my ruined dirty body and leaves. I hear the shower turn on and lay in silence, tears running down my face, a mix from the pain every inch of me is in, and of the knowledge that Im not going home anytime soon, if ever.

Im Daddys little fuck hole now.

Maybe if Im lucky he'll see this post...maybe he'll come find me. I promise ill be good for you if you track me down daddy.

[dr-spectre]

would Agent 4/Parallel Canon technically fit into the 'mistaken for being brainwashed when it's really something else splatoon characters' club? I saw a post collaging all of Agent 4 struggles and being brainwashed was one of them... even though Parallel Canon is just a program based on Agent 4...

Hmm.... honestly... no?

I've been really happy with the treatment of Parallel Canon in the Splatoon community!! Its been such a breath of fresh air my goddddd!!!!

It's like people who have some resemblance of a brain look at Parallel Canon and go "oh it's just clones of Agent 4." People who say it's just Agent 4 but brainwashed are actually just factually wrong LMAO! They didn't play Side Order at all. The developers outright stated in an interview, "It's clones of Agent 4's data that Overlorder collected."

The only two characters in the club are Hypno Callie and Marina Agitando.

Sanitized Agent 3 I don't have the BIGGESTTTT issue with people calling them "brainwashed" because the goop that got onto their head literally takes away "life's energies" and makes the victim submit to Tartar's will. That's just what I know about Sanitized ink but correct me if I'm wrong PLEASE!!! (My personal belief is that Agent 3 was knocked unconscious from saving Eight and Captain Cuttlefish, and Tartar took over their body via the ink while they were asleep.)

I have issue with Marina Agitando being called a "brainwashed Marina" because it's so fucking obvious that Marina got knocked unconscious and possessed by Overlorder.

GUYS ITS JUST FUCKING POSSESSION ALRIGHT?!?! ITS NOT BRAINWASHING!! MARINA IS HONK SHOO HONK SHOO MIMIMIMI!!! HER SONG IS LITERALLY CALLED UNCONSCIENCE!!!! USE YOUR BRAIN!! GOD!!!! ENOUGH!!! DON'T SAY SHE WAS HYPNOTISED EITHER!!! THERES NO EVIDENCE THAT PROVES THAT!! STOP LUMPING HER TOGETHER WITH HYPNO CALLIE AND CALLING IT THE SAME AFFLICTION!!!!! IT DAMAGES BOTH OF THEIR ARCS!!!!!

Anyhow... Hypno Callie. Here we go again...

I think what really pisses me off is that Nintendo LOVESSSS to push the "she was kidnapped and brainwashed" version of events and I find it to be not only insulting, disgusting and vile, but also incredibly damaging as well. People take Nintendo's word as fact and a holy grail, and those people include the loudest voices in the community as well as Inkipedia and it ultimately ruins Callie's arc. They love to just ruin an interesting storyline for Callie and make her this abused victim for no fucking reason other than to make Octavio more evil and not explore depth at all.

I hate how it's been run deep into a lot of people's heads and it's just... it makes me feel like a psycho sometimes... I hate feeling like I'm in the wrong... I hate how my stance keeps getting pushed down by the loudest voices...

I hate how when I say "Callie wasn't kidnapped" I get countered with "Nintendo said she was. Plus they didn't say she WASN'T kidnapped. Callie heard out the Octarians but maybe Octavio hypnoshaded her immediately after and then kidnapped her." Ugh... Does Callie ever say she was kidnapped? Marie does, but from her stance she would think so from her limited knowledge. Does Callie ever fucking state herself "I got kidnapped"? NO!!!! Until I hear her say that I refuse to believe she got kidnapped and I will continue to preach that she left with the Octarians WILLINGLY!!! AND THEN SHE GOT HYPNOTISED!!!

I dont have the energy to rant anymore man. I just can't do it. I've said this over and over again.... I hope one day things will change... but until then, I'll keep being Callie's strongest solider. I am forever cursed.

By this son of a bitch....

[emberunderscore]

FableSMP EPIC the musical AU

whole thing comes from the perspective of Midas (as Quixis specifically) being Scylla, which means Icarus has to be Odysseus, which is also fitting tbh.

this is only based on the released sagas bc i dont have the vibe of the future characters yet (i dont look at a whole lot of snippets). also dont think about any of the blood family stuff too hard - theres nothing weird dw but it just makes stuff complicated with the gods

Monsters

Scylla - Quixis Midas

The ideas of Scylla being human turned monster, Midas is human turned Quixis, which in this universe could be something of a replacement for monstrous, which also works with 

Spooky bitch Midas propaganda

Look at my edit to be even more convinced

Polyphemus - Leviathan/Vorago

Probably makes most sense with Leviathan

Instead of the parent/child relationship with Poseidon they're siblings (ocie is poseidon)

Humans/Dead people

Odysseus - Icarus

Icarus has to be Ody because of Midas being Scylla

The song Monster

The conflicts within the plot work well with Icarus’ own relationships

Eury and Ody see each other as brothers, even though it isn't’t blood. Maybe they’re not blood related in this AU

Eurylochus: Rae

Brothers!!

Rae is seen as the leader of Lodestar, which works well with Eury’s place as the voice of the crew

Penelope: Centross??

prison duo

but it actually works because Icarus would do anything for him. just look at season 3

he's probably not smart enough to be penelope but the agenda is more important than that

Telemachus: Oscar

Ik Oscar isn't Icarus' kid but he is Centross and theoretically Centross would've been the one to raise him anyway

See Legendary

Polities: Athena

Optimist

Song open arms

"everything's changed since polities"

Perimedes: Caspian

Perimedes is the one who stabs Odysseus in the back to stop him from killing Eurylochus in Mutiny

For Rae? Cas wouldn't hesitate

Tireseas: Haley

Dead prophet

who else

Ody's dead mom: Isla

Isla is Icarus' mom??? In this AU??? /s

Gods

Zeus: Fable

Orignially this was Epros but I was convinced to change it

Massive ego

Yellow

Actual reasons in this post

Athena: Enderian

This could also be fable but I dont think Icarus would defy him like how he does

Goddess of the Mind, need I say more

Aeolus: Aurelius

They have the vibes I think

Aeolus is gender and so is Aurelius

There are a lot of options I think

I like the idea of the Winions(?) being the piglins they had in their bunker

Poseidon: Ocie

Ocean

At the beginning Ocie is so ready to kill people, she does not care for human life. Ruthlessness is mercy upon ourselves

She would do that for Vorago

Canon compliant beef with Icarus 

Circe: Momboo

My first thought was Ven because I'm a fucking dumbass

It makes so much more sense than Ven

Plant lady, plant witch

badass

girlboss

pretty woman

Hermes: Rakai

They have the vibes

One of the very few gods to tolerate Icarus

gender

Apollo: Malitae

Apollo sounds so fruity in god games

Apollo cares most about music in god games which is a form of expression so i think it fits for Malitae to be him

Hephaestus: Nexus

In god games Hephaestus' thing is trust, he's pissed that Ody betrayed his crew

Nexus is the Goddess of Loyalty so it fits really well that she'd be upset about that

Nexus was also a knight so being a god of blacksmithing isn't too far from that

Aphrodite: Soul

Aphrodite cares about Ody's mom's broken heart

If we thing of it in the context of soulbonds it makes sense that Soul would be upset about that

Ares: Netherum

Ares is the only one in god games to match Athena's power, which checks out - major god to major god

Maybe its a bit ooc for Netherum themself

But god of destruction as the god of war. thats something

Would totally step in for Soul

Hera: Perix

In this AU we ignore family dynamics- Perix is not married

Calls Athena "baby" (kinda gay)

Fits the vibe

can you come up with a better idea? no, nor could I (credit to Sardar106 for this casting lol)

Calypso: Ven

They're so "This could never really happen but let us pretend"

"I wish we could've been something"

Look at this post (person who reblogged has better words than me go read that)

thank you for coming to my au talk. please share your own thoughts and opinions (but also remember that i am objectively correct all of the time /j)

Updated after Wisdom Saga

[dungeonmeshi-confessions]

I wanna do more kabumisu positivity following that other anon. it really brightened my day so much.

bc really I dont want to bash other ships to lift mine up!!! and I actually also really love and respect labru, and know the majority of labru shippers arent Like That, just like most kabumisu shippers arent Like That. every group has some annoying, loud, opinionated people and they dont represent the average person who likes the ship, you know? I would love to see some labrus follow suit and send in some positivity as well!!! If the positivity keeps going I will come in here and post all my fave things about labru, labru art, and labru shippers as a kabumisu. lets ditch the bitching and hold hands instead!

anyway, some reasons I really love kabumisu

- as a neurodivergent disabled person dating another neurodivergent person, this is like. THE couple to me. and like its not just about mithrun being taken care of. taking care of mithrun actively helps kabru be more mindful of his own needs. In my life, I may struggle to feed myself, but I can make breakfast if my partner is hungry. other times she may do the same for me, it depends on who is doing worse.

-they both struggle with insomnia also

-from everything we've seen, pre-dungeon mithrun wasn't entirely dissimilar to kabru (high masking people pleaser) and thats Fascinating to me.

-kabru's job seems pretty stressful (no matter how much fulfillment it brings him, its a lot of responsibility for one person!) so I feel like coming home to that one guy he can take his mask off around and not even have to try and impress must be such a huge relief. also add mithrun with cooking experience to this, making kabru a nice meal after a long day of work.

-Mithrun is actually very perceptive and sees straight through kabru's bs multiple times and doesn't hesitate to call him out. Laios isnt the only character that forces kabru to be honest. ("unless theres someone else?" "theres someone you want to tell that story to.") mithrun is also the one who gives kabru the information he's been seeking this whole time.

-I am very interested in exploring mithruns whole desire situation. what desires does he gain? I think it is probably a lot of little ones that weave together. oh also I think sometimes things may seem more mithrun centric bc in any story where he is going to end up in a relationship he is going to have a much more dynamic arc than whoever he is paired with. literally dynamic as in like. he requires a lot more growth to achieve the outcome. and there are ways to skip it or gloss through it but. a lot of these stories require that in some way you show the progress has happened.

-to me, kabumisu is more often queeplatonic than romantic. but Im aroace so that could just be my aroace glasses. ALSO kabru is vaguely aro to me. you mean the guy thats super desirable that doesnt really seem interested in anyone particular outside of pursuing friendship? that guy? (also the way he did rin omfg)

-random but I dont think kabrus PTSD is talked about enough and also like the extent of his trauma. its not just utaya/monsters/his mom dying; its being raised by a single mother, its his blue eyes, its being adopted, its being raised by an elf, etc!!!! a lot of things he does bc of ptsd get attributed to autism (I also hc kabru as autistic, and some is symptom overlap. but it is secondary to the ptsd! he is traumatized first and foremost ty) I really love kabru so much. ty for the ptsd rep <3

-also out here to say I know an amount of kabumisu content is mithrun centric. I will tell you from my pov specifically though its bc I deeply relate to mithrun (as someone who once told a therapist many years ago I desired nothing and truly meant it. she said I was like a puppet without strings. of course I saw mithrun and was like. oh.) and Im in love with kabru. kabru reminds me of all the people who gave me a reason to pull through. people who saw good in me and treated me like a person when I didnt feel like one. I also really relate to kabru though as someone with complex trauma, even if my traumas are not the same. thats why I say I think not enough is attributed to his ptsd. anyway, once I just opened a notebook and wrote kabrus name over and over again with hearts. I have never done this to mithrun. so dont tell me kabumisus dont like kabru !!!

-kabru and mithrun are both so gender. Ive seen so many variants on their gender and gender expression in the ship. some people hate this and insist they must be one way or the other. I think theyre neat lots of different ways. I love when theyre both feminine men. I love when mithrun is super masc. I love when theyre butch4butch. I love when theyre both trans. and so much more. its all beautiful. a very good variety of food. the other day on my dash I had a tallman art of mithrun with the biggest tits imaginable and the very next post he was like a little porcelain doll. keep up the good work guys. I love you.

.

[roseworth]

You are both an Arrowfamily and Jason Todd fan account so I thought you would be the best person to ask this but: What do you think the Arrowfamily members opinion on Jason are?

ooooh i love this question.. i think a lot of people jump straight to "they would hate him" because of his fight with mia but!!! i don't think thats entirely true!!!!! some of them would hate him but not all of them </3 i feel like the people that claim they would all hate him have a fundamental misunderstanding of the arrows and what they stand for, not to mention deliberately misconstruing what the the jason & mia fight actually was and pretending it was a lot worse than what actually happened. but thats just my opinion

ollie absolutely would hate him though lmao. he would never get over the fact that jason kidnapped, fought, & tried to blow up his daughter. no forgiveness ever. if jason HADNT fought mia though i think ollie would like him or at the very least tolerate him. ollie very clearly has no issue with murdering bad guys (as seen in ga88) and would be completely on board with anyone who goes out of his way to fuck with batman constantly <3 also in my humble opinion ollie shouldve been a cosmic mistake in countdown due to him coming back to life because parallax put him back together, which would have been hilarious and would absolutely have ended in them getting along (until jason goes through like his fifth breakdown in that book, because he would absolutely lash out at ollie after watching that one version of bruce die. but thats a whole separate tangent)

dinah also would hate him for trying to kill mia, but probably not as intensely as ollie. but even without that issue i dont think dinah would like him, mostly because hes the worst and i dont think dinah would have the patience to put up with him. she wouldnt have a huge problem with the killing (she wouldnt NOT have a problem with it but i really dont think it would be an unforgivable issue for her), but she would just think hes kind of an asshole about it and she wouldnt like him at all. i also think theres a panel somewhere where jason says that dinah told him she hates him personally?? idk ive only seen screenshots of it but i think its funny so im incorporating it into my belief system

with roy... i feel like there are so many people that see rhato and swing to the opposite side of the pendulum and say that roy would hate jason but i dont think thats true at all. im a rhato hater because that is Not Roy so we're disregarding that, but i still think they would get along tbh! given that roy is deeply in love with a serial killer i think that the people who say he would hate jason are misunderstanding who roy is. i think when theyre both in character they actually have personalities that would mesh well together and they COULD get along really well. i dont see roy having a Big Problem with jason killing people (he would try to stop him from doing it but murder wouldnt be a dealbreaker for roy) so i think its fair to say they would actually get along!!! but i bitch and complain every time they show up in the same panel because now the damage has been done from rhato so i dont want them to interact in canon. only in the secret world in my head. in regards to jason fighting mia, i dont know how to say it but,,, i dont think roy would have a huge issue with it. he certainly wouldnt be happy about it but also he wasnt there so i feel like all he would know about it was that jason kidnapped mia one time but mia was fine. honestly i think that he would be more interested in brothers in blood bc dick would def mention that jason murdered people in a nightwing costume then turned into a tentacle monster and tried to eat someone but dick forgave him anyway. and once he hears that suddenly the mia thing seems inconsequential in comparison

with connor... i cant lie im a little biased because connor is a member of my dream outlaws team but i really think they would at least kind of get along! connor is not the type of person to hold a grudge at all so once mia forgives him (which ill get into in a sec) connor wouldnt have a problem with him. he WOULD have a problem with jason killing people but he's close with eddie so clearly he doesnt have that much of an issue with working with people who have killed before as long as they dont kill in front of him. and i think that jason has a healthy respect for anyone who can beat him in a fight and because of that he would not kill anyone when hes around connor. i also think that connor and jason would never fight because connor would never throw the first punch and jason would never start a fight that he knows he cant win (but thats once again a whole separate tangent). basically i dont think they'd be besties or anything, i dont think theres a world where they'd ever even consider themselves friends. but i do think they'd get along well enough to not hate each other

okay now finally mia. kind of a controversial take but i really think she'd forgive him for kidnapping her! she absolutely would not forgive him IMMEDIATELY because it fucked her up so she would be pissed about it for a while, but also? i think she completely understood what he was trying to do. he wasnt really hurting her specifically (like yeah he hurt her but he made it a fair fight and he wasnt beating down on her or anything. she also hit him so it evens out) and he was actually trying to talk TO her and relate to her. and it was working!!! he didnt force her to do anything except fight (in a fight where he untied her and gave her her weapons), so once she got some distance from the event i think she'd forgive him. it would take a while for her to actually forgive him enough for them to actually get along, but i genuinely think they would. theyre extremely similar people and i think they would really be good friends if given the chance, but it would take a looooong time for mia to be comfortable enough to be around him enough to consider him a friend since the fight definitely fucked her up. but it is possible for them to eventually be close, and i think they could be really good friends

honorable mentions: - i dont know emiko well enough to know for sure (i havent read new52 or rebirth green arrow so i havent read much with her </3) but from what i know i think they would get along - lian would have no opinion of him whatsoever. at most she sees him as her uncle's brother. i truly dont think she'd care enough about him to form a positive or negative opinion about him - i dont like sienna so i dont want to acknowledge her but for the sake of the post. she doesnt like jason because dinah doesnt like jason and she says "i hate everyone that black canary hates <3" - cissie is not a member of the arrowfamily but she wouldnt like him because she absolutely would have an issue with any murderous vigilante given that she almost killed someone one time and had a huge breakdown, so anyone that kills people for the Greater Good and continues to do so would not sit right with her - i have absolutely no basis for this but shado would hate him for no reason. no specific beef with him about his morals or his actions, she just wouldnt like his vibes. sorry to talk about rose (no im not) but she would see rose hanging out with jason and go "im so happy for you and your ugly fucking boyfriend im serious" - eddie and jason would get along like a housefire. there is not a doubt in my mind that they would bond instantly (ok not instantly because they both hate everyone and would probably start with trying fight each other. THEN they would bond) and it would be catastrophic for everyone involved 🫶

ok i think thats everyone. or at least everyone that matters. never forget that all my opinions are 100% correct at all times

[revehae]

how do you handle criticism of people saying it’s weird and shit like that for noncon? just posted one of my firsts and people are not happy 💀

this is a good question and i will try to teach you my ways of not GAF 😭 even though that’s lowkey just who i am Lol so i cant help you become me… also i just run my mouth so theres a tl;dr at the bottom

when i first started out, at least on this blog anyway, i think the most major help was the fact that i had 2 friends who i was already exchanging these thoughts with on discord; they just weren’t in fic form. this was important because for a long time i felt very alone in my liking for dark content… having people around me who i knew had similar interests as me was key! it’s basically kind of like having a support system when you’re in a rough place. it’s important to know that you’re not the weird one out. there are people who understand you and relate to you. these are the people you are seeking out.

granted, it wasn’t my first time writing noncon and i had posted a couple of dubcon-leaning posts on my main blog, but this was me testing the waters. when i began posting on revehae instead, i initially didn’t disclose that i was also lisired. that’s why i go by nisha here and yani on lisired. so yeah, i was a bit pussy at first! but eventually i was like man idgaf.

in between where i started and where i am now, i’ve never been heavily affected by anon hate because i just simply do not care what strangers on the internet have to say. it’s not like they’re saying it to your face or that they would if they had the opportunity. MOST of these people aren’t even brave enough to come off anon. if you think about it, they’re the little bitches. i also have a strong sense of who i am, so i know that i don’t do anything with malicious intent. i literally don’t come for people unless them come for me first. i just match people’s energy. if you’re not hurting anyone i don’t really see what the problem is

nowadays, most of me not caring just comes from the fact that i know my blog is an oasis for many people. the number of people that enjoy my content outweighs the number of people who leave hate. this can seem useless if you’re just beginning to post and your following isn’t that big, but it’s kind of like how in real life there will always be someone who doesn’t like you for whatever reason. you can’t please everyone, so you have to be selective about who you give your energy to. i feed off of the endless love and support from my followers! even if it’s just one positive reblog or comment, make it count! if there’s likes, obviously someone is enjoying it. also it’s not like i’m the only person in the dark content community. my mutuals, even if they’re in different fandoms, love the same depraved shit as me. it’s always worth supporting other content creators because the odds are that they will support you back! 💖💖💖

tl;dr — there are people who will enjoy what you post and as long as you’ve covered all your bases (left proper warnings, used the read more link, made it so that if anyone consumes your content they did it by choice and not by force) you have absolutely nothing to worry about. AND COMMUNITY!!!! my mutuals are my ride-or-dies!

by the way im checking out the fic right now LET ME SEE…

[markiafc]

curiously and politely paging @fancifulpurposelesslovely to ask about summer sons thoughts, if that's okay!

in particular, the andrew/sam power dynamic + what that means for their relationship post-canon, because i think we both picked up on the same undertones in the text but came to different interpretations. and i'm just intrigued to poke more at your take and hear more about it.

on my end, the baseline of it is, i think andrew's passiveness and his over-reliance on a second party to act as his lighthouse is present throughout the events of the book. he expresses this desire explicitly and implicitly, to be owned, leashed, and led. and i've always seen it as a result of trauma more than anything else, relating to the cavern and therefore to eddie as well. i often think andrew's arc is about many things, but one of the top things is that he's learning to be a real boy. instead of being half a human being, living only a small portion of personhood. the way he was after the cavern and early on in the book.

i think there's andrew grows a lot throughout and comes into his own; the eddie/andrew relationship feels like it is hardcore bdsm-coded but for two boys who don't know anything and they're just kids thrust into this dynamic to cope, and even eddie seems to become miserable and burdened by having to carry andrew through life. it feels like to me he really did want that space away from andrew. he really wanted to have a world, a time with things he forged in nashville just for himself, albeit temporarily. the cavern is this thing that forced them both into this shape and they never got the help to learn another way of being, no matter how miserable it made them amidst the intimacy and love.

and the story is, to me, andrew slowly expanding his horizons, unearthing parts of himself and his life that he had been cut off from, and finally getting a feel for who he really is, a complete andrew blur. he discovers and accesses his sexuality for the first time, both sexual sensibilities and his sex drive. and unlike with eddie, he lets himself engage with his agency as a human being; he breaks into a whole new world through sam, and finds that he's able to have a different kind of dynamic with him, finds that he can grasp at his anger and annoyance at being ordered around and act on it. theres no need to make himself do what sam wants just because sam wants it, and he feels comfortable delivering a rejection. ("i'm not your bitch so tell him yourself.")

the cavern stunted him as a person and eddie too, and there's a throughline there about overlooked childhood trauma. especially for male queer victims in a suburban setting, already expected to be social and sexually active with women and drug-using.

character arc-wise, and mostly centering andrew blur, i've always thought he would outgrow the heavily codependent dynamic he had with eddie, where his primary role in life was to act as eddie's right hand man of sorts, everything eddie wants eddie gets, and andrew blur exists to provide a personal service to eddie fulton. hobbies, academics, careers, relationships, every sector of his life he has developed not for himself but in devotion of someone else. someone he was forced to become metaphorical bride to at 12.

post-canon, after andrew's matured and come into his own, i imagine he can bring these new parts of himself into the relationship with sam, things he never had with eddie. and it would be different, something straying further from bdsm dynamics.

and this got real long, but i'm curious because i feel like you know more about the bdsm side of things better than i do. and my own is pretty rudimentary, so andrew never struck me as someone who is submissive and enjoys it.

this is not to say sam/andrew don't have those vibes, they soo do, andrew/eddie were 10000% like that in practice, and andrew definitely has the submissive markers. though to me, he embodied that role, developed those traits and lived that life with eddie due do a unique set of traumatic circumstance.

so, no hate or judgement, i just wanted to share and wanted to hear more about this book. especially from a different perspective, when i feel like we both did read the same book and saw the same things. i'm more than happy to trade takes.

open invitation to talk about this book and the andrew/sam power dynamics, basically!

[ddejavvu]

ohh i have SUCH a controversial jennifer jareau opinion. and this is probably gonna be more like an essay. i wish i could say i was sorry.

everyone always says theyre anti jj slander, which is fine ofc, but just weird bc i NEVER see anyone slandering her. in my 3 years in the fandom, ive seen it happen maybe 5 times total, which sucks because she deserves so. much. more. hate.

(spoilers for *that* jeid plotline, as well as some other things)

in season 7, spencer tells her that she has mean girl vibes and she replies "i was a nice girl, especially to guys like you" which ALWAYS pissed me off because she literally just confirmed what he said? and everyone acts like it was a funny joke. she said that shit with her whole chest and meant it, and it wouldnt be *that* big of a deal if it was the only time. but shes consistently mean to him throughout the show, ignoring him, walking away, etc. spencer isnt even the only one shes like this to. and she just has a sense of superiority, idk how to describe it. just by the way she talks and interacts with those around her, you can tell. (while we're on that note, she also ignores her privileged a LOT. maybe not all the time, but theres been multiple times where she acts like she went through hell to get where she is. other than her sister passing, she had it completely easy. in terms of resources, opportunities, etc., she was basically born with a golden spoon in her mouth.)

in s14 when she confesses to spencer that shes always been in love with him, it just makes my blood boil. obviously he had been over her a long time (imo), but that was something she should've kept to herself bc it just brought alllll those feelings back to the surface. not to mention that hes the godfather of her children, and shes married, and will probably (definitely) doesnt know how she feels. thats literally emotional cheating on her part, even though reid didnt reciprocate it, it was still wrong of her to be that close to him without will knowing how she really felt.

there are other things i dont like abt her too, but those are the main things and im trying to keep this as short as possible. but i literally cant stand her, shes by far my least favorite character, and everyone acts like shes an angel sent from heaven, when really shes just a privileged bitch.

i like JJ a lot (i want her to be my mom </3) but i do agree with several of your points - she's definitely not the worst character, each and every character has a list of flaws that we could make, so this by no means makes her the worst, but it does make me angry <3

i just rewatched that 'mean girl' episode!! she doesn't even hesitate before saying 'guys like you', which, you're totally right, means he was right, and she was definitely a mean girl in high school. or even if she didn't say any of it out loud, she was still silently judging 'guys like him' and in high school you can always tells who's silently judging you. they're teenagers. they're not silent about it. the nasty looks they give you?? oh man. but i do think that the blame for ignoring spencer needs to be placed on all of the team members, because they do it all the time too, it's not just her. she has some pretty bad moments with him, but it's definitely something they all do and she shouldn't take the full blame

lmao don't talk about jeid. the writers actually deserve the death penalty for that, god it was so nasty and weird. i know that it was something she confessed in the heat of the moment, like she wasn't sure she was gonna make it out alive and didn't wanna die without saying it but ??? WHY WOULD YOU PUT IT ON HIM TO DIE THREE SECONDS AFTER FINDING OUT ??? like great it's off your chest but now he's gonna spend the (very short) rest of his life thinking about it?? AND THEN THEY DIDN'T EVEN DIE LMFAO SO HE WAS JUST STUCK WITH THAT !! and yeah!! will!! what about will!! or her kids!! it was so... writers i'm watching you...

one scene of hers that really pissed me off was in reid's kidnapping two-parter in s2 (the hankel incident) where she was almost attacked by those rabid (?) dogs and she shot them and she's obviously shaken up and she tries finding reid and realizes what happened and she feels so much guilt for splitting up with him - which was not her fault, she didn't know and should not be held responsible for what happened to him - that she started trying to make other people mad at her?? she cornered derek who was grieving and stressed at the loss of his best friend and they're both sleep deprived and she says something like 'admit it, you hate me, you think it's my fault' AND I???? GIRL. he is being so nice to you?? he was literally like oh honey if you need time off i know you're really shaken up and we can take care of this and and and AND SHE WAS LIKE oH yeah suRe just admit it i'm the worSt everybody hATEs mE- I WAS... this is not about you. go get therapy for the dog attack that you just almost suffered?? do not stand around a crime scene and pester the victim's best friend and delay the investigation because you're feeling guilty. go talk to someone about it. take a few days off. again, i totally get that she was shaken up and hopped up on adrenaline, but everyone told her to go get some rest and she was like no i think i will make myself the problem instead <3

all of that being said i still love her </3 i was not kidding when i say that i wish she was my mom holy shit i would have loved to grow up as her kid but she definitely has her flaws just like the rest of the BAU, and logical, critical breakdowns of a characters flaws aren't slandering, they're analysis, so i think everybody needs to stop shitting on people who criticize or analyze their faves lmao

send me your unpopular fandom opinions

[youabandonedthem]

What are your thoughts on Ms. Paint? Is she a part of your version of tmc?

its not my "version" of crew it's what i interpret from real Life, on to the screen. It is not a distortion of them unlke what many other people do intentionally and laugh about it. so everything that is true in homestuck (with reasonable small shifts) would be true for my 'standard' timeline but i focus on many different timelines for different purposes. such as if slick were raising karkat or another timeline where karkat is in love with him and the timelines where dirk is involved in each of these and in different ways and more timelines where dirk could have come in during different points. etc. every time line is equally important but some get explored more than others. And many small scenes can be explored within each timeline depending on its unique opportunities. or one depicted scene could fit into many. ms paint can fit into any of these stories to create a new timeline in which shes involved but i dont really think about her becus i cant think of a funny way to include her in a comic. I dont know if her role is the most suitable for me to really productively include -> her doting role/(outward) personality in general and towards slick.. which only gears a work really towards "shipping" "content"... and wouldnt be that valuable for me as an exploration between characters... i would really only create a special in depth personality for her that would work for this purpose if i were very into her which im not really. I think much of the role she has is currently filled by the crew as a whole, obviously not in the same way, but slicks needs are fulfilled by each of them separately. therefore i dont know if theres a place for her in slick's life when he has his crew (not the other way around because he would actually prefer his crew over a woman who he would devalue and upset even though he tries to 'clean his act up' in front of her it's not his true habitat and he would become depressed quickly [see: raising arizona]). which is why she became part of the picture after they all died because slick newly became in need of that support role they provided. If she were in slick's life WHILE the crew is there he would be balancing these two different lives and it would not turn out well unless ms paint secretly loves criminal activity and is somehow more malicious than slick under her motherlike nature which is the only possibly way you could skew her personality to make this work out. Anyway i find explorations between slick and his crew more valuable than between slick and some shick because it doesnt really need to be said what he thinks of women.. we already know..They're all dames that he either tries to act all nice and proper for (and ultimately fails) or HUGE BITCHES... Just a switch to be flipped..I could do snowman but its not that entertaining for me either to keep drawing slick as this little guy who keeps getting pulverised by a larger woman we all been knew hes into that since the beginning of time why do we have to keep saying it? it was already in homestuck... all of it laid out on the screen... where is the new fresh material? Done

[taegularities]

Hey rid, hope you're doing fine, soooo I've been thinking about this for a while now and I feel like I want to share it with you now, I was like really thinking of a fic/genre? Like online dating with loads and loads of angst and fluff? And I'm not talking about smauS, something like, the main characters meeting in a game? ( pretty realistic yep ik😂) with a snarky/mean reader and a soft..very soft/ emotional/ romanticist/ understanding basically husband material MC ( I feel like jk or v would suite this character but it could anyone) the oc is a bitch from outside but she's just as soft perhaps even more than the MC, all in all she's a nice and good character and that's why our perfect fell for her, he's also not a fuckboy or anything rarely dated anyone, oc does not have enough experience in sex, MC doesn't either but he's better than the oc, something like they grow and learn everything together, Falling in love, everything, angst could be related to both of their families? Like thy both have fucked up families the OCs mother is very mean but very protective over her ( oh and oc has 2 older sisters aswell) MC is sick of his dad, his dad is extremely mean to him aswell, the only best thing in their life is their relationship s sort of another world for them, where he's extremely affectionate to her and she's a meanie but also extremely affectionate to him aswell (the oc also has some health issues and she's always like sick, but he even love that about her, he loves everything about her, her sickness, her being mean, and a bitch, and also when she's showering her with love but that's a rarity given she's not used to showing affection, but he knows it, he can see when she's overly concerned when he gets sick or when he's having a bad day she would go out of her way to do anything for him, spend the whole day gaming with him eventhough she sucks at it or talking to him on call talking about random things eventhough she's not very talkative, basically very very fluffy and just lovey dovey) so yeah lmao u can say I've really thought about this..and I'm feel like you would give this fic justice, you're the only writer that came to mind who I can trust this fic with, but there's really mo pressure here, just a suggestion, and even if you chose not to make it in a fic that's completely okay aswell, Maybe that'll be my go to write a fic of my own lmao, I'm no writer by any chance it's just that I really really want to bring this fic into existence, AND I WANT STRESS ON THE FACT THAT YOU DONT HAVE TO DO IT IF YOU DONT WANT TO ITS COMPLETELY OKAY TO NOT WANT TO, THERES NO PRESSURE AT ALL AND NO BAD FEELINGS, LIKE AT ALL SO DONT FEEL BAD, (uk just in case)

hey lovely, i'm so sorry i'm so late, i promise i wasn't ignoring you jashdajkd i hope you've been all well !!! that's a cute idea 😭 idk why i'm always drawn to those cocky yet soft male characters, but i'd love to work with a pure, innocent, simp-y lil boy once.

ahhh, i definitely won't have time to write this, though, and i don't do requests; especially very specific ones mess up my creativity :') (can barely write my own stuff these days tbh 😭) BUT i would love to see this fic happen if anyone else wrote it or even you wrote it !! 🥺 that'd be a great opportunity for you, if you ever wanna try. it sounds sweet !! <33

[thoughtsofnowandagain]

18 November 2024

Going back to the amera thing. We fell out a few years ago because I replied to her boyfriend story (him in his army uniform on a type of parade) saying 'handsome!x' and my intentions were misread and it opened up a whole can of worms. We've since reconciled, or perhaps let bygones by bygones, but we've not spoken or seen each other since. Things were said and the bottom line was like if she- a friend who I saw as my sister- would even think I'd be inappropriate, if she'd think like that of my character, I didn't even attempt to acknowledge those accusations. It was disrespectful of not only my character but my relationship with Sam. How can someone who I cried with, laughed with, partied with, mourned with, even question me like that.

It was so ridiculous I didn't even try to deny it. I refused to acknowledge that horror, and I knew right there and then that I'd be mourning the friendship but this time, on my own.

-

Fast forward to a few years later, as in now. I've clearly not gotten over that type of hurt. and I'm still hurt. Upon reflection, what do I miss from that friendship? She really was (and I presume still is) the life of the party. Losing her meant I lost everyone else too. Which I suppose is fine because I never really fit in and they had so many plans flying out the factory that I just couldn't keep up, financially or mentally. I was drained everytime I came home and I'm a retired party girl. So I'd much rather just stay home with a glass of wine or recently. with a can of pepsi max.

But I can't help but feel maybe I've changed. I keep yearning for that girl gang bond. Sure, I have friends. Friends that have their own lives, and girlfriends that are the girlfriends of Sam's friends. All so lovely but theres no lively group chat, theres no cocktails, theres no 'guess what happened today'. Have I changed enough to be enough for them now? I've always felt like the ugly friend, who was short and unshapely. But what if we just went for coffee? or Lunch? or maybe even a Dinner? Even the thought of it gets my heart rate up. If we met up for anything, I'd absolutely need my propranolol at arms reach at all times. Or actually, maybe I'll just stuff them in my cheeks like a chipmunk and just swallow one as and when i'd need it. Like a ad hoc pocket for survival.

Do I need a girl gang? Maybe. Maybe not. Sam doesn't spend every night with me. He works until 6, so by the time he comes home he will have dinner and then hop on to his computer to play games with his friends most nights. We've had to implement a 'baba night' system. I have him Wednesdays and Sundays. The other woman gets him Monday, Tuesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays. Usually we'd go out to the pub on Fridays and Saturdays. Though he'd argue that Fridays and Saturdays we go to the pub *Together* so they count as baba nights. But from my point of view, he goes to the pub to socialise and leave me at the table while he chats away at the bar and goes outside for a vape.

So okay, I'm lonely. I can't mention it to Sam anymore or he'll say that he feels guilty for playing games and using games to blow off steam from the working day. Which then makes me feel like I'm a manipulating bitch who wont let him hang out with his friends. I have things to entertain me, like games on my switch or a new series on one of the 20 streaming services we pay for. (At the moment it's SATC/ SATC films/AJLT- The girl gang tropes are not helpful to my yearning). However, I have ADD (Currently on year 57 of my journey to being diagnosed) so whatever I'm entertained with or more so pacified with isn't entertaining for very long and I'm right back into my slump of lonely. I'm just sat at home working for half a day as and when it's needed and then waiting for sam to come home like a dog. I don't want that anymore and it's been 6 years. 6 years of telling Sam I feel lonely and I need more and getting rewarded with 2 baba nights a week.

So is this girl gang fantasy worth risking my mental health? Or do I save my mental health and stay lonely?

[sophia-raz]

Diary of an Anxious Bitch

I can't live with a fear like this. What can I do if night time, actual fucking night time is a trigger. Night always comes. I can't avoid it like it's orange juice or talk radio. My mind has become a fist that is squeezing every joyful emotion out of my being, out of my enjoyment of being a parent. It holds me down until I'm literally shaking and clenching my fists pleading to virtually every god in case one of them might be real and take mercy on me. It's so idiotic I can't stand it. This irrational mother fucking thought sequence has become the majority of my reality. One therapist told me, the "why" doesn't matter. So naturally I ask, well why not? She says because even if I knew why, it wouldn't help me feel better. Cool....

The reality is right now, I dont want my kids going anywhere or doing anything with anybody. The fear that they'll get sick and we'll have to go through that all over again is ridiculous but very, very real. What am I so afraid of you ask? I've been trying to figure that out. I don't 100% agree with the therapist that told me I need to stop looking for the "why". Don't we need to ask why to get to the root of the problem so we can address it appropriately? The fear seems to be the only thing I can focus on. Every situation is experienced under this deep dark suffocating cloud of anxiety.

I'm a good parent God dammit. I listen, I guide, I comfort, I stay up all night with them if I have to. I just need time to relax. That time use to be once the kids went to bed, but now that I'm afraid of the dark again for reasons other than monsters or dinosaurs hiding in the basement, my relaxation is at an all time low. Sometimes I feel like I'm the kid who needs mom or dad to tell me everything's ok, its all in my head and Im safe and loved. When I tell myself that, my inner dialogue laughs manically and says yes dear it is in your head, but there's no escaping it. BECAUSE YOU ARE YOUR FUCKING HEAD. No big mom and dad bed to crawl into anymore to feel immediately safe and secure. God I miss that.

I want to stop shaking every time the sun goes down. Stop obsessing. Stop this irrational bullshit that somehow has elected itself board director of my mind. It's not enough to know that's the case either. Like, yes, I know you're full of shit subconscious interpretation of past trauma that is feeding my moment to moment conscious experience.  Fuck off already. (Cue manical laugh). Then we repeat the carefully selected mantras and start again the next morning.

Straight up now, I know theres nothing "wrong" with me. So...why does it feel so much like there is? There I go with that WHY again. Life is a big shit show, then one day you die. Yikes, take a breath or 5. Am I ok with that interpretation? No. Nevermind comparing my life to others who seem to have it all together, I would just like to freak out about normal stuff like cancer or facism. Though I'm sure that's next in line if I ever get over this fucking garbage. No time to worry about real shit! Just over here obsessing about stomach flu and fevers.

While I don't personally believe in a God, I envy those who do. That kind of faith brings some security, much like mom and dad's bed. Funny I panic about these things that are so ridiculous but can't believe in something equally ridiculous. How selective of me. If you have faith and don't use it as a reason to hate or hurt other people, hold the fuck on to it.

[whoknows-isurelydont]

i just

i dont know if theres any purpose of me living anymore. i actually cannot see a happy future for me.

it just feels like everything’s already been decided for me. to “go to prestigious school” and “study english” and “become a writer”. but do i even want to do that anymore? im not really sure. im not sure what part of me is “me” anymore. i dont think my name is me, my personality is me, my sexuality even. i genuinely dont think any part of me is actually me and not either what my parents want me to be or what the people around me want me to be.

and if my personality is not mine, what if its a good thing? if im actually a bad person inside, wouldnt it be better if i wasnt me? but im not sure if the personality i project myself with is better than me.

my looks are an iffy subject. sure everyone around me says positive things but what else are they supposed to say? that im actually ugly? youve gotta be a bitch to do that. but to be honest i dont care if my looks are nice to others because what good is that? the better you look the more creeps you attract

and who am i to think anyone would ever be attracted to me? even creepy old men. why am i so selfish? why am i so self centred?

ive been told multiple times by two people (person one multiple times, person two only once) about my bad habits as a friend but they and plenty of others still claim im a “good friend”. its sickening that you cant be truthful with me and say that im actually a bad friend because you know it and i know it. im cold and distant when i sense youre drifting away, i only ever talk about myself or my things of interest, i apologise and then fall back into old habits, im annoying, i copy mannerisms of people that arent good people in the first place. and you clarify all of this and still say you love me? no you dont. youre stupid for staying so long even though you know that im not a good person.

im just kind of tired of it all. im tired of the days blurring together. im tired of school and all my lessons. im tired of my friends. im tired of crying all the fucking time. im tired of my parents. im tired of my brother. im so tired of it all and i still have to live because everyone says i have to. why do i have to live anymore if im not even myself? why do i have to live anymore if im not the best i can be? why do i have to love anymore knowing im not going to amount to anything good?

on most days i feel nothing and on the bimonthly occasion i visit friends i feel happy. the rest of the days are just melancholic and contemplating relapsing. enjoy your teenage years but life seems to want me dead.

and everyone that’s done me wrong should have wrong done to them but somehow afterwards im still dragged through shit and they get to be happy. like their friends and succeed in school. get along with parents and go to parties. so why am i getting worse and worse

i cant wait for it all to end