#even tho they seem to understand that it WAS a toxic/abusive environment

[flowersintheimpala69]

Love how some dean stans will say “sam was selfish for leaving his family to go to college!” and “john is abusive” in the same breath. Like.

[noxiatoxia]

Can you give komahina (toxic yaoi?) headcanons

lemme see here. this is hard bc i dont necessairly have ~komahina~ headcanons i just have headcanons for komaeda and hajime it really has nothing to do with them as a ship;. but uh

ok so here's one. long winded. but i think from what we can gather about hajime he was a bit of a loner child. his parents didnt seem to gaf abt him. so i think he does get attached to people easy. tbh sdr2 was like a miracle scenario in some ways bc there's this guy who has little to no friends (be he never goes out of his way to make them) and then hes stuck with 15 other people his age and he's like i guess i'll talk to them what else can i do....and turns out everyone desires him carnally. tbf he's able to match ppl's freak and he's just good at listening (or pretending to listen) so this makes him popular. so its like ohhh ok we're friends now. hajime is that kind of guy who if he talks to someone once he calls them his friend. but like everyone IS actually his friend. anyways i think if hajime goes a long time without talking to someone he knows he starts to get a little nervous like if its been 1 whole week and he has not even exchanged small talk with like idk mahiru he's like "something is Critically Wrong" so then he'll go find her and be like "hi hows it going". its like disrupting his routine or whatever. i think the time periods for "how long hajime can go without talking to this person" varies depending on the person obviously. like with hiyoko it's like. they don't interact much so if it's been a week and a half he'll be like ohhh ok...maybe i should say something to her....but someone like kazuichi it's like. 3 days hasn't spoken to him once he's like Where Is That Mother Fucker.

this is all to say when it comes to komaeda in a komahina scenario it's devastating bc if he does not see komaeda in a while he gets fucked up abt it in like his anxiety/ptsd spiral his first thought it KOMAEDA IS DEAD. HIS LUCK GOT HIM KILLED. HE KILLED HIMSELF. and then hes like banging on komaeda's cabin door and shit like KOMAEDA. PLEASE.PLEASE. and komaeda is like um hi. flip side: komaeda is also very much like this but with people he's close-close with bc if he does not see hajime in like three days he's like HAJIME IS DEAD. MY LUCK GOT HIM KILLED. HE KILLED HIMSELF. and then he also goes crazy so they have to at least be makin small talk every day to ward off the demons....

as for like. TOXIC YAOI headcanons idk........anything in the chapter 4 area would be bad. i think. i have read so many hate fucking doujins in the chapter 4 time period. while dat all doesnt seem very canon to me (i just dont think hajime be doin all that. nor komaeda really) i see the vision. kamukoma was probably unhealthy on both sides if we want to go there. but like komahina. idk . 1) my brain is fogged up rn so it's hard to think you can ask again later if you desire but 2) really they aren't all that toxic like outside of a killing game environment. komaeda tends to keep to himself and hajime tries to understand people. so like. hajime is very much a "if it sucks hit da bricks" kind of philosopher so if komaeda was being a detriment to his health and he DID have a way out then it's not like he'd stay. hajime does put his foot down when things get too much. (if komaeda was a woman tho she could abuse hajime and he wouldnt gaf #mikanislandmodeending #hiyokoislandmodeending ) but see again komaeda wouldnt be doin all that. i cant see him intentionally hurt hajime post sdr2 canon, at most unintentionally toxic/unhealthy but again i thinnk hajime would in that case try to help him out like couples therapy style or something. WHERE AM I GOING WITH THIS. im bad with headcanons it seems.

[zalrb]

Do you have any predictions for S4 of The Bear or do you have anything you’d like to see specifically?

After Syd’s panic attack, I hope she decides to tell Carmy about Chef Adam’s offer. I am nervous for her because I’m worried that if she takes it she will end up in another abusive kitchen. That being said, I don’t want her to stay with Carmy because she deserves better. I’d feel bad for Carmy, but he’s been treating Syd like shit for 3 seasons.

I hope we get more episodes about Tina, Ebra, and Gary. Especially Ebra. I know the changes with The Bear have affected him and I worry that if Sydney leaves, he’ll be negatively impacted by the Carmy of it all. After hearing Gary’s backstory, I really feel for him. I’m glad he seems to be doing well as sommelier.

I think Marcus will debut the dessert with the violets inspired by his mom, and I can’t wait to see it. I’d also love to see more of him and Luca.

I’m so curious to see how Natalie and Pete deal with parenthood. I wonder how involved Donna will be, physically or not.

I have no feelings about Claire, but I’d like to see more of her to understand why the Faks go so hard for her. I really liked seeing the Faks visit her at the hospital on Carmy’s behalf (even tho it was hella inappropriate), but for her sake, I hope she doesn’t get back together with him; like Syd, I think she deserves better.

Idk, this sounds like I want Carmy to suffer, and he’s been suffering for 3 seasons. I don’t want him to go through gratuitous suffering for my viewing pleasure, but I do want him to realize the way he’s been treating everyone is not okay.

I think with Carmy, I'm at a point now where I need a change, it can be negative or it can be positive, but there needs to be movement because that's what exhausted me as a viewer in season 3 more than his reprehensible behaviour in that, the way Carmy treats everyone has been consistent since season 1 so either he needs to go full villain and lean into the toxicity he internalized and learned from his head chef or he needs to completely crash out in manner more spectacular than he has been in the past three seasons and it costs him everything or he needs to recognize his behaviour and start taking steps to correct it and lean into psychological and emotional growth.

I actually could do with less of the Faks, they mostly annoyed me in season 3.

I definitely want more Ebra and Gary and Tina, I think it's only fair that particularly Ebra and Gary get more expansion.

I either want Syd to leave because I think it would be interesting to see her in a different environment and with different people, see if she gels or doesn't gel in a different kitchen, what her personality is like with other people (while of course the long game would be finding her way back to The Bear) or I want there to be some kind of, like, coup from the staff where they're like Carmy has to defer to Syd because of his behaviour.

I would like Richie to have a romantic relationship, I think that would be interesting.

And I would like Marcus to have a more prominent role in the kitchen, like his significance and his importance is definitely established and yet I find his actual role in the show to be a bit vague and amorphous, he's kind of just around so I would like to see that cemented.

[ruminate88]

So true 🥺 When you’ve dated narcissists, you are so focused on “their needs” you often neglect yourself and your body too! The body endures trauma and doesn’t react to it sometimes till years after you’re away from them and finally in a peaceful environment. Then you can begin to relax in your body and pay attention to it again but suddenly everything starts to react in your body as you realize what exactly happened to you!!

For example: My ex, Andrew, put me through so much stress, confusion and drama, there were days I would just forget to eat because I was so worked up over everything Andrew was doing and saying!! Also there was much distraction he caused me in my life. I couldn’t focus on anything that I normally could and my life felt like it was suddenly froze still in this silent but bitterly cold atmosphere and I was slowly suffocating everyday. EVENTUALLY years later, when I’m finally in a more peaceful environment, my body begins to release everything it was enduring and building up!!

First I had gained a little weight that I could not seem to lose during the love bomb phase with Andrew no matter how much time I spent at the gym!! Even though I wasn’t eating much but finally in 2020, almost 4 years after breaking up with Andrew, I started having major burning in my esophagus to the point I couldn’t eat anything at all for weeks and I began to lose a ton of weight too. I also lost so much hair too! You can blame covid for some of it but I believe my body was finally reacting to Andrew’s abuse. 😨

I found myself so tired all the time, then all these emotions I didn’t realize I even had started to show up within me: anger, bitterness, grief and I found myself needing to deal with it all but it was painful to do. I can’t explain why it took me so long to relax or to experience such things in my body but every one is different. Maybe for some it takes less time though. One day I would be fine then another day I’m so angry over Andrew I could punch a wall. Also I didn’t even learn what narcissistic abuse was till 2022 AND I blocked Andrew’s number in 2016!!! That’s how many years it’s taken me to understand what happened to me and to relax. I always knew he was toxic/bad for me but had no clue why that was till now in 2023!!! (Andrew wasn’t the only narcissist I dated unfortunately, there were two others before him)

my advice to anyone who has survived narc abuse: please be patient with yourself and forgive yourself first off so you can forgive the narcissist too.(even tho they will never apologize to you) Don’t beat yourself up for what you didn’t know before. Today is a new day to better yourself and your life! Maybe today you feel stuck in trauma bond or cognitive dissonance and you’re upset about it… That’s ok. Just don’t give up on yourself!! 👍🏻 I still battle cognitive dissonance at times and I often have battled the thoughts “what if I’m actually the narcissist????” 😝

“I’ve spent so much time in my head and in my heart that I forgot to live in my body.”

— Tara Hardy, Bone Marrow

[ruby-whistler]

The "redemption questionnaire" - the survey results.

Hello! Welcome back to the results of this survey, which is now closed - I really didn’t expect this amount of interest and am thankful for the ability to collect this much data on the subject.

Now, the reason I made this survey in the first place was this post crossing my dash. It talks about people wanting to see characters or people who they dislike suffer, even if healing is completely possible or even the better option - it’s about people denying that there is such a thing as bad people “deserving” things that we humans need to function, such as being loved.

This post talks about fictional characters, but despite that fact, it made me lose my faith in humanity just a bit. I am a pretty cynical person, but I also consider myself quite empathetic to existing and fictional people alike.

So, I got curious, and wondered - in the Dream SMP fandom specifically, is there a way to get input as to what people actually think about the issue of redemption?

[ tw for brief mentions of torture and abuse ]

So, the goal of the survey was get information to answer certain questions;

Do people think that some characters shouldn’t be redeemed or are irredeemable because of their actions, however don’t hold this true for others?

Are there people, who despite disliking certain characters, still believe that they deserve healing?

Would people want characters to suffer or even die for their actions rather than heal and be happy?

Do people think certain characters in the story don’t deserve to be happy?

Now, I did get some responses that were asking to include or exclude certain characters from the main three (Quackity, Dream and Wilbur - all names are talking about the characters only), however there was a very specific reason I chose these people.

Quackity and Dream have both done actions that have similar weight, while Wilbur serves as an outlier; someone who hurt people in more indirect, but still impactful ways. All three of them have been hurt - Wilbur mostly by Eret’s betrayal, Quackity by Schlatt and others, and Dream by Sam and Quackity. All three have contributed to a toxic and harmful environment, which in turn hurt them back even more and drove them deeper into becoming destructive.

Such a comparison between them would test the fandom’s ability to separate their feelings from in-story morality, as well as bring double standards to light.

Let’s see the demographic part of the survey first, as to see what we are working with;

Of the 390 people partaking in the survey, 44.9% like the direction the Dream SMP plot is heading at the moment, 3% do not and 52.1% are not sure.

Of the characters whose redemption arcs are most anticipated, 71% of participants are expecting a BadBoyHalo or Eggpire redemption arc, Niki/Jack and Wilbur coming close in second and third with 59.2% and 51.8% respectively. As for the main trio of this survey, Quackity lands with 28.2%, Dream with 43.3% and Wilbur with 51.8% of participants thinking a redemption arc for them is likely in the near future.

I would like to express right now that the characters included in the “possible redemption” section do not in any way, shape or form reflect on what I personally think about the characters. I don’t think certain characters need a redemption arc, however I left in the option in order to let people pick it if they wish to do so.

As for the healing arc question, quite understandably, Tommy and Tubbo are the characters most expected to get a healing arc in the upcoming storylines, sitting at 76.2% of participants. Niki and/or Jack come in second with 62.1%, and Quackity, Wilbur and Dream land at 25.4%, 45.9% and 42.8% respectively.

For the aforementioned questions, 3.6% or participants thought none of the Dream SMP characters would get a redemption arc, and 5.4% thought none of them would heal - and with the track record the story has so far, I honestly cannot blame them.

Now we move more towards the main trio;

48.7% of participants have positive feelings towards Quackity’s character, and 23.1% have negative ones. The majority of the participants (66.2%) think that his actions are intentional and hurtful, but interestingly enough, only 25.4% say they find them inexcusable and awful.

For c!Dream, 51.5% feel positively towards him and 35.7% do negatively. Luckily, 53.8% find his actions inexcusable and awful, while 40.3% find them intentional and hurtful.

c!Wilbur breaks the trend with 58.7% of people feeling positively towards the character and only 17.2% feeling negatively, however such a discrepancy can be expected when we compare his actions (found 65.1% of the time to be intentional and hurtful).

I want to preface this next section by saying that I have nothing against people who find redemption arcs unappealing, or wouldn’t find them narratively appealing in the specific story. These answers will be counted as merely neutral ground in the upcoming questions; you are completely valid if you think certain character arcs would not fit the themes or style of storytelling, or if you want bad people to stay bad for the sake of conflict.

However, 79.5% of people find well-done redemption and healing very appealing within the story, and 19% like it for certain stories and characters, so this shouldn’t impact the results on a large scale.

1. Do people think that some characters shouldn’t be redeemed or are irredeemable because of their actions, however don’t hold this true for others?

People’s reasoning for not wanting characters to heal varies, however the contrast between c!Quackity and c!Dream in this scenario is very intriguing.

Despite the two having done comparably disgusting things, one with more and one with less selfish reasons but neither excusable, both classifying under abuse, the people who think c!Dream shouldn’t get a redemption arc (9.7%) because of his actions greatly overshadow the people who think c!Quackity doesn’t deserve a redemption arc (1%) because of his actions. Hell, even c!Wilbur’s percentage is higher, sitting at 2.1%.

This is extremely surprising considering the demographic - and seems to hint at the fact that people who think positively of c!Dream are far more likely to think that c!Q and c!Wil deserve redemption and healing (despite the common argument that both have hurt him greatly) than it is the other way around.

Even sending a bad message is a lot higher with c!Dream (30.5%), despite the fact that c!Quackity’s actions and him as a character could be similarly triggering, and he himself sits at 2.6% of participants. Of course, this question could be partially taken as what he went through in prison making him better, which would definitely be a bad message to send, but considering the percentage (42.1%) of people who don’t want Dream to be redeemed, that’s still insanely high.

Overall, people from a very balanced demographic of people who are positive and negative towards the three characters, only 52.6% want Dream redeemed as opposed to the 83.8% with Quackity and 86.7% with Wilbur - and the reasons given seem to be largely based on bias and double standard, or even hypocritical in context.

For the fandom, this question’s answer seems to be yes, although from the people who are c!Dream positive, this sort of thinking seems to be of a much lesser extent and amount towards characters they dislike.

2. Are there people, who despite disliking certain characters, still believe that they deserve healing?

Let’s look at some of the comments given to this answer;

“On the one hand I do want Dream to recognize that his actions have hurt people, but I really don’t want torture to have ‘made him better’ or for the people he hurt to have to forgive him.”

“as much as I hate c!quackity and dislike c!wilbur, I believe that evil is not something you are, its what you do and as such I think every person deserves to heal and grow.”

“Quackity is the closest - he's spiraled far, but we got to see some of what he could be as a more moral man. Dream's arc would be....incredibly difficult to pull off, and while everyone deserves a chance to change, not everyone who does is ever owed forgiveness. And Wilbur....I dont know what would make him want to get better, but I want him to.”

“I wouldn’t like some of these characters to get redeemed(c!Quackity), but I know everyone deserves a chance at redemption because no one is mentally stable and not traumatized.”

“bastard men. on a serious note ive noticed a lot of evil in dsmp come from the perpetuation of the cycle of revenge and punitive punishment and i think excluding someone from them would. just not be a good message. and yeah c!dreams motives and methods being seen in separate characters is just proof of this - nothing that made any of these men villains are unique to them, and they are all shit-infested holes other characters can fall in.”

“i think every character on the smp has done horrible things and is morally grey, but i think everyone deserves the chance and the ability to heal and try to be better.”

“listen, i love big q, and i know he doesn't mean it, Wilbur also deserves better (far from tommy tho, they're not good for each other rn) and dream can go f**k himself, the only "healing " Arc that would ever make sense is if he escapes the prison and f**ks off to the middle of nowhere (wich is unlikely)”

“Even if I don't like some of the characters they deserve a chance at healing and moving on”

“Controversial opinion but Wilbur has been pretty shady from the start, so a redemption/healing arc just wouldn't make sense to me. He antagonized Dream to sell drugs.”

“i would like to qualify all my answers towards redemption as that they are /all/ allowed to get better, just not necessarily near those they've hurt. those they've hurt are under no obligation to forgive them or be involved in that.”

“REDEMPTION IS POG F**K IT EVERYONE GETS REDEEMED THE ONLY BIG BAD THAT EXISTS IS SYSTEMIC”

“Clarifying about my wilbur answers. A character can only get a redemption if he wants to change. Wilbur doesn’t want to change. I still think he deserves to heal but not to be redeemed. Those are two very seperate things”

“PLEASE JUST LET THEM GET HELP. ALL OF THEM.”

“i'm at sort of an impasse with c!quackity & c!wilbur. i don't like c!quackity in the slightest. i think he has great potential for a redemption arc, but i probably wouldn't be interested in watching it. on the other hand, with c!wilbur, i actually would watch his redemption arc, but i don't see it happening any time soon.”

“I answered " he deserves to heal and get better despite the actions he's commited; everyone deserves to heal and get better " for c!Wilbur but I partially Disagree with the "Everyone deserves to heal and get better" part. simply because some characters are irredeamable eg : c!dream”

“If c!Wilbur gets a redemption arc (I hope he does) I really hope it comes with learning that ethnostates and nationalism are not poggers. I'd be worried about the message it would send if he didn't learn that & it only focused on interpersonal stuff instead.”

“maybe a bit weird that i want c!dream to have a redemption arc but not c!q or c!wilbur, but hear me out. c!dream is being tortured in pandoras vault and we all know (no matter what the c!dream antis say) no one deserves torture. we have something to sympathize with with c!dream. with c!q and c!wilbur, i cant think of anything to sympathize with …. im not trying to say that c!dream is better than them, or that he didnt do bad things, but i sympathize with him much more than i do with c!q and c!wilbur because q and wilbur caused their own problems while a lot of dreams problems come from other people”

“We have both seen Wilbur and Quackity be relatively good people, or at the very least morally Gray people who had genuine love and care to those close to them. While with Dream we have never seen that, as he has always been focused on chaos, fun, and power.”

“I just want everyone to be happy and get along. C!Wilbur to get his problems fixed. C!Quackity to be happy and not have to worry about being the next c!Schlatt. C!Dream to finally tell us his side of the story and potentially join the syndicate?”

“Redemption isnt something any one can say is deserved or not”

“For me the main difference is thay wilbur and quackity (although having done bad things) did them out of grief or bc they felt like it was the only thing they could do for a sense of security (both after they lost something important to them). Dream on the other hand went out of his way and hurt others maliciously when he DIDNT have to or there were other less horrible/long-lasting actions he could done”

“The message that some people dont deserve to learn and grow from their past mistakes is harmful”

“listen.. i really hate c!quackity and c!wilbur right now so.. erm..in emotionally, i don't want them to have redemption arc because i hate them..BUT by using my brain i know that is a stupid excuse, everyone deserve redemption so..yeah sorry if it confusing you but honestly..the reason i hate them so much is probably because of the arc they on so..give them time and i think i will say i welcome their redemption arc with an open arm”

“i answered twice for dream because i have mixed feelings, while i think he is an atrocious person, i believe personally that forgoing forgiveness from others, he deserves to be happy and healthy and heal. hes clearly got issues of his own, and while it doesnt excuse his actions he also deserves the basic right to heal”

“I personally regard redemption as the act of simply becoming a better person, seperate from whether or not they are accepted or forgiven by their victims. With that definition, I think there is no being "deserving" of a redemption arc, it's something that everyone is entitled to if they chose to. Therefore, everyone, and I mean everyone, in as something as morally gray as the Dream SMP is capable of becoming a better person. It doesn't mean they get rewarded or forgiven for it, it just means they are capable of change and are able to fulfil character potential beyond being a villain.”

It seems to me like there definitely are a lot of people in each side of the spectrum, so this test seems to have come back positive; however, there are more questions that we have yet to answer.

3. Would people want characters to suffer or even die for their actions rather than heal and be happy?

Here is probably a good place to mention this questionnaire was more of a psychological experiment than a survey. Most of the answers were specifically designed and in such an order that would get your mind thinking about certain things before shoving your psyche into a difficult question.

Well, here comes the moment of truth; what sort of redemption arc do people prefer? Would they rather the character get better and reap the “rewards” (which are actually simply things every human being needs and deserves; love and happiness), atone for their actions but not get to be happy, or would they like them to suffer or be punished instead? Do people really treat basic human needs as “rewards” for being a good person; or are they only reserved for characters that were never bad people in the first place? Remember; all of these characters have inarguably gone through pain during their life. Just how much do people enjoy punitive justice, and should I literally just stick to my corner of the fandom for my own good?

The answer probably won’t surprise you!

Starting off, 82.8% want a happy or neutral ending for Quackity, 59.4% of which think he should experience good things in the end. 54.4% of participants want a happy or neutral ending for Dream, 62.7% of which think it should lead to him being happy and loved. 89.2% of people want a happy or neutral ending for Wilbur, 49.4% of which lean towards happiness over closure.

17.2% of participants would prefer Quackity to experience pain as part of his redemption arc. 8.5% want him to be mentally tormented by the weight of his own actions, and 5.6% think he should be punished before being allowed to get better.

For Dream, these percentages are way higher- and here is the funny thing, I thought that pretty much no one would say he should suffer before healing, because he’s already suffering for his actions indirectly by being abused by people who hate him for them. However, 7.2% of people think he has yet to be punished enough for his crimes in order to deserve being redeemed. 21.5% want him to suffer under the weight of his own actions, and 6.9% would want him to die instead of getting a happy ending. Overall, 45.6% would prefer a redemption arc for Dream in which he is subjected to pain or punishment.

10.8% of participants would want Wilbur to have a more difficult character arc, with the percentages pretty evenly divided between the options.

4. Do people think certain characters in the story don’t deserve to be happy?

“Deserving” basic human needs, or not deserving them for being bad people/being bad people in the past, is something I don’t personally agree with, however this is tumblr, not thought police, so let’s just look at the survey results.

While 68.5% of participants believe all of the characters in the story deserve to be loved and happy, only 66.2% think Wilbur does, 61.5% think Quackity does, and 38.5% think Dream does.

Let’s look at some closing thoughts on the subject as a closing note;

“I want everyone to have a sort of personal redemption. Where they realize they have hurt people. But I think it’s difficult. I mean Dream abused a child. Quackity tortured Dream relentlessly. I think the redemption arc that is the easiest is one for Wilbur because of cc!wilburs acting and emphasis on his characters mental health. But I think Wilburs also done so much f**ked up shit too. I think it’s difficult. I just think the redemption arcs are really really difficult.”

“i genuinely can't help myself, i want everyone to have the chance to be better.”

“i think that wilbur, quackity and sam should be redeemed because we as an audience know that they all believe they're doing the right thing and regret/didn't enjoy hurting people with their actions. but with c!dream, there's a lot more evidence that he knew what he was doing wrong and actively enjoyed doing it.”

“everybody deserves to heal. if someone wants to be better and strives to be better, who is anyone to deprive them of that?”

“I don’t like some of these characters and their actions, but everyone deserves a chance to heal. To work through their trauma.”

“dream doesn’t deserve shit, quackitys probably gonna keep riding the las nevadas train until it crashes and burns and wilbur should move on from being “the villain” and stop seeing everything as black and white”

“No one is beyond deserving help. That's not how the world works and that's not what the story should show in my opinion.”

“narratively, i want redemption and happy endings for all characters but morally, i really despise some of them and i'm also really conflicted about some of them as well”

“I want my faves to be better and I think it's the best possible option for everyone involved, even the characters they've hurt.”

“c!wilbur and c!quackity go to therapy. c!dream get hit by another train /hj”

“Hurt people hurt people. If given a chance to distance yourself from your victims and abusers, if given a safe environment with a support network of people you haven't formerly harmed, you can then heal and let the others heal. Live and let live, but living is harder for everyone when we don't give others the chances they need to grow and change themselves.”

“all of them deserve to find growth and happiness but under no circumstances are those who have been hurt by them obligated to be involved in any aspect of that arc. most obvious example- c!dream is allowed to grow and realize that what he's done is awful, but c!tommy is not obligated to forgive him or even be near him.”

“They can all improve and get better and be better people …. They all deserve a chance to be better and be happy. However. Wilbur and dream should get their "redemption" arcs away from esp. Tommy and all the other people they hurt. Big Q. should get his redemption arc away from Dream and stuff. If the prison was less focused on detainment and more focused on rehabilitation and then Dream had no contact with Tommy for example that's a scenario that I'd like.”

“is quackity actually considered a villain in this story? What has he done wrong lol Create a casino? be emotionally manipulated? have rejection sensitive dysphoria? I don't think he's a good person based on his current actions but i don't think hes a villain. I think he's trying hard to become something hes not. … I hate c!dream and I don't think he can ever get better. hes a manipulator gaslight gatekeep girlboss and i think he deserves to stay in prison and rot. watching the tommy exile arc would make me so angry that i had to stop watching.”

“i'm so CONFLICTED about this! i want the angst, but god the angst has been going on for a LONG time. honestly, i think the conclusion i would be happiest with would be for c!dream, c!quackity, c!sam, c!tommy, and c!wilbur to calm down, get some therapy, and stay VERY FAR AWAY FROM EACH OTHER. god damn, it's like they WANT to get more traumatized,,”

“the loathing i feel directed at c!dream specifically is so goddamn strong. my god i hate that guy. uhhh regarding quackity no i dont feel like he shouldnt feel ANY pain or anything hes done some f**ked up stuff but i mean..? with the exception of the torture hes the most redeemable guy up there for me which is probably because we have seen his entire downward spiral.”

“I have to admit that although I strongly believe no one on the Dream SMP deserves to be tormented and deprived of their healing and happiness, I feel really icky about c!Quackity. I really hope that the ccs find a way to make his redemption logical and satisfying to watch. If that is not the case, I will still welcome it with open arms, but secretly I will be a little bit salty about it.”

“For the last question bit there i wanted to check more then once because i want them all to feel guilty and tormented for what they have done.”

“Yknow.... basic human rights... to be happy and loved isn't something that should be deserved it should be something that everyone is allowed to obtain for themselves and it shouldn't be allowed it should just be…”

“While i think that all of the characters should the chance to get redemption and healing, I’d probably be less likely to watch redemption arcs from c!Quackity and c!Wilbur than c!Dream, just because I dislike them. Not to say that they shouldn’t get them, because I hope they do, I’m just more like to be going “Good for them” in the distance.”

“I JUST WANT THEM ALL TO BE HAPPY PLEASEEEEEEEE -dr3”

“for the final question it doesnt provide a none of the above option or a some of the characters but not all option. since I dont think c!Dream deserves to be happy and loved but I do the other two (to some degree) but answering "all of the characters .. " I feel Includes c!dream who I ultimately just really hate and want to have nothing but a fictional death!”

“therapy. therapy for everyone.”

“f**k c!dream <3 i honestly don’t think people who abuse kids (or anyone) for fun should ever be redeemed i think they should just rot in a hole somewhere”

“It would be hypocritical to say that one character deserves redemption more than another, especially considering they've all done (almost equally) horrible things. Either everyone deserves redemption, or no one does.”

Conclusion: in the end, this is all the ways in which we like to enjoy fiction. However, for some completely unrelated reason, I am now about 45.6% less likely to attempt to interact with anyone outside my immediate group of friends in the fandom.

Thank you for reading!

[redxblueihateloveyou]

I'm surprised people see Tadashi as the victim in his relationship with Ainosuke, when it's Tadashi the one who time and time again takes away Ainosuke's agency, without being able to see that he is throwing him unto unhappiness. I can't help but think that if Tadashi was not working at Shindo's house, Ainosuke would have maybe left or broke with the family. But he can't do that if he wants the relationship with Tadashi going on, seing how Tadashi is set on enforcing the family rules...

Hmm.. I def agree with the fact that Tadashi is not what most fandom makes out of him, my man (I mean, Adam’s man) is a 100% Slytherin. But I disagree with blaming him for this, after all the revealed info. The environment they were both raised in made their situation complicated.

I like Tadashi a lot, he’s probably my fav thing about this anime, bc he’s a dark horse, and I’m once again surprised, that so little ppl see him for who he really is, portraying him as an innocent puppy, which he is definitely not.

Now to why I think both Tadashi and Adam are victims of the dad and aunties in this situation. 

We can of course say “if only they told each other how they really feel...”, but like we can say it about any love story really. Every author knows it’s no fun. The truth is that yes, they both hurt each other, and yes, if they were honest about their feelings things would’ve been different, but as I’ve already wrote under that “toxic” commentary on YT, lets look at the whole situation from both of their point of views:

We know that Adam when he was little always treated Tadashi as an equal, he never ever thought of him as someone lower than him and after their fall out, the only reason for this “harsh” treatment (well, besides their confirmed kink) was that Adam tried to get a reaction out of him, so Tadashi would stand up for himself, bc Ainosuke got mad about Tadashi caving to his dad’s wishes and abandoning him, when he needed him the most. 

But now, knowing the fact that Tadashi was his dad’s secretary and was under his control, let’s see it from his perspective: Tadashi wanted to stay by Adam’s side, Adam’s dad implied that if Tadashi did say smth, he’s gonna be.. well, dismissed and they won’t see each other ever again. That’s what caused Tadashi to stay silent in that moment. Ainosuke instead saw this as a “he’s not on my side” thing, well, because. Tadashi won’t tell him his problem, bc dad and aunties control everything, so even if he does tell him, what a teen would do really? He didn’t have any powers back then to make his dad do anything. 

And that’s when it all gone to shit, since they both were hurt for their own reasons. It’s easy to say leave the family, but 1stly nobody explained to Adam still that he’s physically and psychologically abused by his family, he sees it as them “loving him” and sadly also loves them, bc nobody told him, that love wasn’t supposed to be like that really. He definitely feels that smth is not right and feels emotionally exhausted there bc of this treatment, but did he ever consider leaving? I really don’t think so. He feels obligated to be worthy of a family, who “loves” him.

Do you think, for example, that Akashi Seijuro hates his dad for what he did to him? No. Does he understand that he wasn’t at fault for what happened to him and that his dad instead of comforting his child after his mother’s death, who was his only safe haven, made everything worse? I don’t think he does. Like his mom gave him basketball, an escape from all that family’s obligations and strictness. After her death, it was the only thing left that brought him joy, but his dad ruined even that, saying that if he’s gonna be bad at it/lose, he’d take it away from him too. Does Akashi see this as emotional abuse? No, he sees it like “well, I have to be the best bc I was born in such powerful family, so if my dad says that I must be best at everything, then I must.”

I personally hate such parents a lot. To me it doesn’t matter if Adam’s dad didn’t know about aunties hitting his child. Like if he was too busy to notice this and have no time for his kid and made his childhood miserable, it doesn’t make it any better really. 

Same as with Akashi’s dad. Some are like “he was probably also grieving about his wife”. Emm? He was like this from the beginning, bc he treated Akashi not as his son, but as his heir. And yes, that’s different things. Same with Endeavor and Todoroki. Your child is not your post production thing.

2ndly they were too young, even if they knew about each others feelings and he didn’t feel obligated and told everyone to fuck off, they’d be on the streets now, but also Adam’s dad doesn’t seem like a guy who’d leave them alone really. Also eloping seems very romantic, but I don’t think it is, esp when you’re teens. Did you want him to sell some expensive watch and go live on Hawaii or smth? Bc finding a decent job there would be difficult at this age, esp with everyone knowing who your dad is. Chen Ke from “Antidote” survived bc he was 27 and had connections and some great friends. Adam was in high school, where would he go exactly?

Now let’s go back to now. Obviously all this time it didn’t even cross Tadashi’s mind that for Ainosuke he comes first and that he would throw everyone under the bus to make Tadashi stay with him. As we see at the end, he legit believed that Adam was planning to send him to jail and didn’t get that he said it just to shaken he up and that he knew who he’d set up for this from the beginning. 

To Adam obviously it doesn’t matter whether they’re in a quarrel or not, he would never him go. Yes, he’s mad at him, he’s angry and hurt, but Tadashi’s still the person he needs the most, he’s still the person who brightens his days, even tho he deliberately behaves like he annoys him. He always looks at him and looks at him and looks at him, but then hisses smth to hurt him. Bc he knows that he needs him, but he also hates that he needs him, bc he thinks it’s unrequited.

And that’s how their classic romance goes in hellish circles. No one wants to talk as usual. Adam is mad Tadashi is like that bc his dad turned him into a slave with no opinion, while Tadashi is scared that Adam would be taken away from him bc of his ugly family. 

Now I still think that no one and I mean no one can take Tadashi from Adam now, he is his precious. So my plan is... if Tadashi made aunties do smth against him or to get rid of him, aunties will go for sure. The problem is Tadashi still doesn’t get that he comes first, so we’re stuck in this hell still.

So anyways, my point is Adam’s heart basically sings “you got a hold of me, don’t even know your power” to Tadashi, but he doesn’t hear it, bc of his insecurities, the way he was raised and his status. But yes, he holds all the power. He’s both Adam’s sanity and insanity. No matter how cheesy it sounds he was basically his only ray of sunshine in the darkness, if you take it away, that’s what it leads to, that’s why Ainosuke-sama needs more ppl who care for him. I don’t want anyone to die next time, just cause Tadashi and Adam fought about where to put their new couch lmao. I’m kidding, but you know what I mean. And kill the aunties, pls seriously, we need to be free.

Also ppl need to remember that like lots of animes/characters are parcially inspired by some other animes/characters, also the chosen seiyuus are also very important, there are lots of stuff like jokes and references, that creators use, from characters being fully inspired by smth like “Assassination classroom” characters based on KNB, to little stuff like Levi dressed in Akashi’s uniform in chibi AOT bc Hiroshi Kamiya. Utsumi already said before stuff like she sometimes think of a perfect voice for the character and then fully forms him, we also know her clear love for sports animes. So yes, I doubt Tadashi/Kuroko thing is a coincidence and even tho someone was like “zone? is this knb or smth?” I was like no, zone is actually a common thing in sports, even tho most associate it with KNB including me, it’s not like its their invention, but there were things inspired by this for sure, and from other sports animes too and no, I don’t mean the basic sports anime tropes, I mean, like way too specific things, some character designes, too. And yes, Langa appearence and personality wise is a rinharu child for real, I can literally split his scenes in “that’s Haru”, “that’s Rin”.

That’s why I’ve said that this situation in fandom reminds me of Kuroko/Akashi situation a lot, bc same as here in KNB ppl for some reason automatically thought that Kuroko is this innocent sheep and Akashi is the wolf (but also like it was Akashi who chose to dress as red riding hood, while Kuroko was a wolf lmao), not even seeing who is in reality more dangerous and who can easily control who. It just buffles me bc it’s not some deep analisys really. I mean once again there’s a reason for the saying that the sub holds all the power over the dom. 

And like just bc someone yells or threatens ppl constantly doesn’t necessarily mean he is a psycopatic killer, and just bc someone is quiet and doe-eyed, doesn’t mean he isn’t. I didn’t think we needed to explain this to someone, but aparently we do?

And it honestly kills me just how superficially ppl are watching things these days. It really gives me war flashbacks to stuff like the last mdzs s1 episode, where ppl started to comment things like “how LZ can be so heartless” lmao. Or that anonymous ask “do you think haru misses rin?”. Like you don’t see thing at all? Grey substance no needed, while watching things?

P.S. I also would die to see Adam vs Tadashi race just bc I for some reason can bet all my money, that it’s the same situation as with Akashi refusing to ankle break Kuroko, no matter how mad he is. I just can’t imagine Ainosuke hitting Tadashi in the face with a board. Like 100% sure he wouldn’t even try tbh.

[flightfoot]

Abuse and how it plays into Identity in Tower of Nero

While abuse has played a role in previous Trials of Apollo books, and in the Greco-Roman main series as a whole, Tower of Nero digs into it most deeply.

Identity and recovery from abuse are deeply linked here, with much of the abuse recovery coming from forging an identity separate from the abuser.

Previously it mostly came up in The Hidden Oracle and The Burning Maze, with Meg’s relationship with Nero prompting Apollo to examine his own relationship with Zeus. 

Apollo knew in the back of his head that Zeus was abusing him, that his rage against the Cyclopes for creating the lightning bolt Zeus used to murder Asclepius, for instance, was him redirecting his anger onto a safer target because raging against Zeus directly was so unsafe, but he tried not to let himself think about it too much, and he tried to fool himself into thinking that Zeus DID care about him, that he loved him, at least enough that he’d help him if he saw him in trouble. 

Seeing Meg with Nero, how he manipulated her, how he subtly blamed her for anything bad that happened around her, for anything HE did, while trying to seem gentle and kind; seeing the abuse he went through reflected in this young girl led him to cope with his own abuse better. 

His experiences with abuse, with Zeus treating him as a scapegoat and ‘forcing’ him to punish Apollo if he stepped out of line, with his own feelings about the abuse and his own coping mechanisms and behavior as a result, are a useful reference for understanding and helping Meg through her experiences with Nero.

And helping her cope, separate, and try to grow after being manipulated by Nero for so long? Helps him come to terms with his own experiences.

He’s pretty explicit about the comparisons too. Like when Meg talks about how Lu used to help her pretend to kill people for Nero, helped her how she could, but Apollo’s mostly just horrified that Lu stuck around and didn’t take Meg and run... and yet part of him understood.

And are you any better? taunted a small voice in my brain. How many times have you stood up to Zeus?

Okay, small voice. Fair point. Tyrants are not easy to oppose or walk away from, especially when you depend on them for everything. (TON 57)

Lu may not have been quite as dependent on Nero as say, Meg - at least psychologically. Lu’s not a child by any means. 

But Lu’s only immortal because Nero is, and he can, presumably, revoke that. Nero provides her employment, a home, probably her entire social circle, AND he has the power and the will to go after her and anyone she cares about if she strays, if she tries to defy him. 

In those ways, her situation mirrors Apollo’s even better than Meg’s does - and while he’s angry at her for not defying Nero, he also understands. 

I suspect part of his anger and suspicion at her is also anger and suspicion of himself, for falling into a similar trap.

Still, though Lu has her own baggage with Nero, Meg’s is focused on a lot more, with how she’s grown and changed, and her desire to hang onto who she’s become while separated from Nero, to hang onto her own identity and personality and not what Nero attempted to shape her into. 

It’s to the point that she can barely comprehend who she was under him, how she used to think, what she did.

“I betrayed you once,” she said. “Right here in these woods.”

She didn’t sound sad or ashamed about it, the way she once might have. She spoke with a sort of dreamy disbelief, as if trying to recall the person she’d been six months ago. That was a problem I could relate to. (TON 114)

Meg hasn’t really changed at her core as much as Apollo has - as much as she’s gone through, she at least wasn’t much of a jerk in the first place. Well, relatively speaking, when compared to Apollo. She’s abrasive, but not much beyond that.

But she HAS changed, in large part BECAUSE she’s more able and willing to stand up for herself in ways that she couldn’t do remotely safely while with Nero. She’s broken free of his psychological hold. 

During The Hidden Oracle she was ALREADY rebelling against him, she refused to burn the woods, but... well, she DID go with him, DID believe she could change him for awhile. 

But she broke free after realizing he wouldn’t, escaped and returned to Apollo, freeing herself from Nero’s grasp once more. 

For her, I think the difference between who she was six months ago and who she is now has less to do with her actual personality and worldview - those haven’t actually changed all that much throughout the books - but just in being free, somewhat safe (well, safer emotionally at least), and genuinely cared for. To not be under Nero’s influence to the same extent.

With Apollo... well, it’s a bit different with him. Zeus wasn’t as controlling as Nero, Apollo COULD have kept his space from him before; his sister has been doing that for millennia. But he has still changed a lot, moreso than Meg did, to the point that he’s almost unrecognizeable from who he was when he first fell to earth in THO.

Newly experiencing kindness, regular affection, and just having other people care about him though? He shares that with Meg.

Not that people have never been nice to him before, that’s not the case. But to have people be nice to him who he wouldn’t think would need to be, when he’s vulnerable... there’s a reason he’s been extremely touched when that’s happened even back from THO, and in this book he breaks down pretty much every time.

Meg struggles with needing to retain her independence, the new sense of herself she’s acquired during her journey with Apollo.

“I have to go back,” Meg insisted. “I have to see if I’m strong enough.”

Peaches cuddled up next to her as if he had no such concerns.

Meg patted his leafy wings. “Maybe I’ve gotten stronger. But when I go back to the palace, will it be enough? Can I remember to be who I am now and not… who I was then?”

I didn’t think she expected an answer. But it occurred to me that perhaps I should be asking myself that same question.

Since Jason Grace’s death, I’d spent sleepless nights wondering if I could keep my promise to him. Assuming I made it back to Mount Olympus, could I remember what it was like to be human, or would I slip back into being the self-centered god I used to be?

Change is a fragile thing. It requires time and distance. Survivors of abuse, like Meg, have to get away from their abusers. Going back to that toxic environment was the worst thing she could do. And former arrogant gods like me couldn’t hang around other arrogant gods and expect to stay unsullied.

But I supposed Meg was right. Going back was the only way to see how strong we’d gotten, even if it meant risking everything. (TON 114-115)

Meg needs to keep her identity she’s created for herself away from Nero. But her question about remembering to be who she is now versus who she was back then fits Apollo’s conundrum better, something that is clearly not lost on Apollo.

I knew my anxiety about my own weakness was getting mixed up with my anxiety about Meg. Even if I somehow made my way back to Mount Olympus, I didn’t trust myself to hold onto the important things I’d learned as a mortal. That made me doubt Meg’s ability to stay strong in her old toxic home.

The similarities between Nero’s household and my family on Mount Olympus made me increasingly uneasy. The idea that we gods were just as manipulative, just as abusive as the worst Roman emperor… Surely that couldn’t be true.

Oh, wait. Yes, it could. Ugh. I hated clarity. (TON 225-226)

Meg’s captured, being fully under Nero’s influence once more, with him trying to twist everything to be Apollo’s or Meg’s faults, trying to twist it so that every bit of distress that he puts Meg through is somehow the fault of her or her allies.

She picked up the chair and threw it across the room - but not at Nero. It whanged off the window, leaving a smudge but no cracks. I caught the flicker of a smile on Nero’s face - a smile of satisfaction - before his expression fixed back into a mask of sympathy. “Yes, dear. This anger comes from guilt. You led Apollo here. You understood what that meant, what would happen. But you did it anyway. That must be so painful... knowing you brought him to his end (TON 235)

This kind of manipulation is Nero’s trademark, he uses it for most of the book. Telling Meg what she’s feeling, telling her that she’s feeling this way because of something wrong SHE did, not because of the horrible things NERO did. Trying to rewrite her reality to fall in line with what HE wants her to believe, to think.

Nero makes her change clothes, has her scrub up, even has her get a pedicure. 

Normally this would sound like a good thing. But it’s just one of the ways he tries to rewrite who she is, to break her sense of identity and replace it with one more to his liking. By taking away things that showed her own personal style, he took away reminders of who she is, as well as showing his ability to exert control over her, make her believe she has no choices.

My heart broke. Meg looked elegant, older, and quite beautiful. She also looked utterly, completely no longer herself. Nero had tried to strip away everything she had been, every choice she’d made, and replace her with someone else - a proper young lady of the Imperial Household. (TON 285-286) 

Nero continues to try to twist the circumstances, to brainwash Meg into believing that he’s her savior and Apollo and the others may harm her. But Apollo keeps protesting, leading to this scene:

I tried to contain my horror. “Meg,” I said. “There’s only one person you need to listen to here: yourself. Trust yourself.”

I meant it, despite all my doubts and fears, despite all my complaints over the months about Meg being my master. She had chosen me, but I had also chosen her. I did trust her - not in spite of her past with Nero, but because of it. I had seen her struggle. I’d admired her hard-won progress. I had to believe in her for my own sake. She was - gods help me - my role model. (TON 293)

Ultimately, MEG’S the one who decides. Who fights back. Because she was able to listen to herself, to not be twisted by Nero’s lies and deceptions.

“I didn’t kill my father,” she said, her voice small and hard. “I didn’t cut off Lu’s hands or enslave those dryads or twist us all up inside.” She swept a hand towards the other demigods of the household. “You did that, Nero. I hate you.” (TON 295)

This was the tipping point. When she announced, to herself and everyone else, the truth. The reality. Rejecting Nero’s attempts to rewrite it.

Nero hissed. “Ungrateful child. The Beast-”

“The Beast is dead.” Meg tapped the side of her head. “I killed it.” (TON 311)

I notice here she tapped the side of her head. Of course, she didn’t literally kill The Beast; Nero’s still alive after all.

But The Beast was a psychological trick Nero used on Meg, to make her separate him into two people; the ‘nice’ stepfather, and The Beast that takes over and punishes if she misbehaves. 

She ‘killed’ it, because she killed the concept.

There was never a Beast.

There was only ever Nero.

And now that she’s gotten out from under his thumb? She reasserts her own identity.

Meg had thrown away her sandals, braving bare feet despite the arrows, rubble, bones, and discarded blades that littered the floor. Someone had given her an orange Camp Half-Blood shirt, which she’d put on over her dress, making her allegiance clear. She still looked older and more sophisticated, but she also looked like my Meg. (TON 323)

I like the emphasis on how she looks older, but also like herself. She looks like what Nero made her into still, in a way - she’s still wearing that dress after all - but she’s made it her own, integrated herself into it.

It nicely parallels Apollo’s own situation, with needing to integrate who he’s become as Lester, who he’s grown to be, with his godly identity. Because things WILL be different once he’s a god again; he’ll have power he doesn’t have now, will have exposure to other gods that he doesn’t currently have. So he needs to figure out how to handle that, how to be a god, how to be Apollo while not losing what he’s gained as Lester.

Even if I survived, I would not be the same. The best I could hope for was to emerge from Delphi with my godhood restored, which was what I had wanted and dreamed about for the past half a year. So why did I feel so reluctant about leaving behind the broken, battered form of Lester Papadopolous? (TON 327)

Like Meg was, Apollo’s struggling to get ahold of his own identity before he has to face his abuser again, has to re-enter that old toxic environment. He fears that if the trappings of “Lester” are destroyed, then like with Nero changing Meg’s clothes, that he’ll lose part of his connection to who he’s become.

As Apollo fights Python, his mortal body becomes less and less mortal, bringing him into an in-between, in-flux state that mirrors his internal identity crisis.

“YOU CAN’T HIDE!” Python bellowed. “YOU ARE NO GOD!”

This pronouncement hit me like a bucket of ice water. It didn’t carry the weight of prophecy, but it was true nonetheless. At the moment, I wasn’t sure what I was. I certainly wasn’t my old godly self. I wasn’t exactly Lester Papadopolous either. My flesh steamed. Pulses of light flickered under my skin, like the sun trying to break through storm clouds. When had that started?

I was between states, morphing as rapidly as Python himself. I was no god. I would never be the same old Apollo again. But in this moment, I had the chance to decide what I would become, even if that new existence only lasted a few seconds.

The realization burned away my delirium.

“I won’t hide,” I muttered. “I won’t cower. That’s not who I will be.” (TON 339-340)

Like with Meg before, he’s deciding, affirming for himself what kind of person he is now, who he wants to be, different from who he was before.

Even during the fight with Python, some small part of him hopes Zeus will intervene, will see he’s done enough and help him, save him. But here, that instinct is quashed for the final time.

I had done my best. Surely, Zeus would see that and be proud. Maybe he would send down a lightning bolt, blast Python into tiny pieces, and save me!

As soon as I thought this, I realized how foolish it was. Zeus didn’t work that way. He would not save me anymore than Nero had saved Meg. I had to let go of that fantasy. I had to save myself. (TON 341)

Much like with how Meg hoped back near the beginning of the series that Nero really would change, really was a good person deep down, Apollo kept up the hope in early entries that Zeus DID care about him and would come to save him at any moment. And even in later books, heck, even in THIS book, with Meg still calling Nero her stepfather a few times and the part of Apollo hoping that Zeus will intervene now, it’s hard to break the desire, the belief that that person who SHOULD care about you, surely will now.

But both of them break past that. Meg calls Nero out, rejects his attempts to rewrite reality, and Apollo kills the idea that Zeus might intervene on his behalf.

By the time Apollo’s a god again, he has a firm bead on the kind of person Zeus is, as well as the type of environment Mt. Olympus is, with most of his family just watching his trials and tribulations, everything he and his friends went through, and betting on the outcome. Only Artemis and Hera seemed to take things seriously, seemed to deeply care whether he lived or died.

Not that the others could have interfered against Zeus’s wishes.

As much as we pretended to be a council of twelve, in truth we were a tyranny. Zeus was less a benevolent father and more an iron-fisted leader with the biggest weapons and the ability to strip us of our immortality if we offended him. (TON 366)

Apollo just kind of hangs back for the council session, having little to say to anyone except Artemis, not caring much about what the other Olympians thought, and not really feeling like one of them as a whole. Though that was true even before he actually walked into the room.

I remembered my dream of the throne room - the other Olympians gambling on my success or failure. I wondered how much money they’d lost.

What could I possibly say to them? I no longer felt like one of them. I wasn’t one of them. (TON 358)

And finally, the long-awaited confrontation scene with Zeus. It wasn’t long. It wasn’t flashy. Unlike Meg, he couldn’t attack and get rid of his abuser, couldn’t get out from under his influence entirely. Zeus is King of the Gods; realizing that he’s an abusive asshole doesn’t change that.

But he COULD change his own response to the situation.

My father coughed into his fist. “ I know you think your punishment was harsh, Apollo.”

I did not answer. I tried my best to keep my expression polite and neutral.

“But you must understand,” Zeus continued, “only you could have overthrown Python. Only you could have freed the Oracles. And you did it, as I expected. The suffering, the pain along the way… regrettable, but necessary. You have done me proud.”

Interesting how he put that: I had done him proud. I had been useful in making him look good. My heart did not melt. I did not feel that this was a warm-and-fuzzy reconciliation with my father. Let’s be honest: some fathers don’t deserve that. Some fathers aren’t capable of it.

I suppose I could have raged at him and called him bad names. We were alone. He probably expected it. Given his awkward self-consciousness at the moment, he might even have let me get away with it unpunished.

But it would not have changed him. It would not have made anything different between us.

You cannot change a tyrant by trying to out-ugly him. Meg could never have changed Nero, any more than I could change Zeus. I could only try to be different than him. Better. More… human. And to limit the time I spent around him to as little as possible. (TON 367-368)

Apollo just... let go of any attachment to Zeus. It reminded me of the Cumaen SIbyl, with how she forgave Apollo for her own sake, how Apollo felt that he himself was being erased by that. 

This isn’t a reconciliation; this is simply Apollo putting Zeus as far behind him as possible and trying to let him take up as little space in his life as he can. He may not be able to cut all ties to him, but he can at least minimize his connection to him, his influence over him.

In the end, Apollo doesn’t even really consider what he went through to be a punishment; not really.

To be honest, though, I could no longer consider my time on Earth a punishment. Terrible, tragic, nearly impossible… yes. But calling it a punishment gave Zeus too much credit. It had been a journey - an important one I made for myself, with the help of my friends. I hoped… I believed that the grief and pain had shaped me into a better person. I had forged a more perfect Lester from the dregs of Apollo. I would not trade those experiences for anything. And if I had been told I had to be Lester for another hundred years… Well, I could think of worse things. At least I wouldn’t be expected to show up at the Olympian solstice meetings. (TON 373)

Like with his conversation with Zeus, he’s minimizing Zeus’s control, his influence over himself and his life. 

And in the end, Apollo leaves Mt. Olympus as soon as he can to spend time with all the new friends he’s made, away from the toxic influences of Olympus and of Zeus especially. Reaffirming his new identity, his new self by appearing in his Lester form, the form he’d grown in, that he’d forged for himself.

I just really love how in-depth Tower of Nero went, especially with the way it emphasized the identity manipulation and erasure involved with some kinds of abuse.

[waroftheposes]

As a gay guy who struggled a whole lot with internalized homophobia, it makes me kinda sad how much people are hating on Ander. Yeah, he was a shitty boyfriend this season and he needs to be held accountable for his behavior, especially at the Halloween party, but he quickly realized he was out of line when Omar called his dad out. Like people are allowed to mess up. Doesn't make them abusive or toxic.

You’re gonna hear only agreement from me. Internalized homophobia is something that I think people in the lgbtq+ community struggle with so much, and I think in communities that are super liberal we kind of take it for granted. It’s so easy to be like but we live in an accepting environment, why would you be afraid of seeming gay or being different.

But the thing is (and this is not my experience but those of some of my close friends) it doesn’t matter how much your friends or your coworkers accept your sexuality. It doesn’t matter that you’re out even, what matters is how aware you are of the fact that people can and will judge you for the smallest things. It’s so hard having to come out to people all the time, afraid of what they’re going to say. Is this person going to be accepting of who I am? Are they gonna stop talking to me? Are they gonna say I’m going to hell? Like these are things that people who are not straight or cis have to deal with on a daily basis. On an even smaller scale, I was clothes shopping with one of my friends and he straight up said “I can’t wear anything too flashy because I’m afraid of seeming too camp” and I was like I’m so sorry that you feel this way, I’m sorry society has done this to you. He’s had a serious boyfriend for like 6 years and he’s still afraid...

If you’ve grown up seeing things that are not straight ridiculed, then you’re not gonna feel comfortable with those things. I know masculine culture can be really toxic when it comes to like not straight things, and Ander is a pretty masculine dude (as my friend so kindly put it, he’s a jock). Ander was shitty, I agree, but I completely agree with you, he quickly realized that he had been shitty and he stopped behaving that way. What I liked so much about Ander was that he realized what he’d done was problematic, he admitted it (tho I’m gonna be honest, it was subtle af). I don’t think Ander was toxic at all. I think Ander messed up, I think Ander made up for messing up. He’s a dynamic character, he’s allowed to make mistakes, it’s what he does with those mistakes that are important. And this season, Ander, in my opinion only grew from his mistakes.

People are so ready to write off characters for being “trash” or “problematic” if they do something that the viewers don’t like or don’t understand. But I think those people’s opinions are ones that I personally am not interested in. I’m interested in talking about Ander’s internalized homophobia, I’m interested in seeing how the way his dad treated him and how the culture he grew up in affected his point of view. I’m interested in talking about how ready he was to accept that he’d made a mistake.

I’m not interested in calling Ander toxic and I’m not interested in anyone who can’t see how he was suffering both from internalized homophobia and the stress of the murder stuff. 

[mimimariet]

month 3

Not really documenting how my meds are affecting me or anything anymore. (Just did a 1 week review LOL) Cause I’m still in depressive slumps. Though now it’s like. I’ll be a manic piece of shit during work and I come home and I’m immediately depressed. This has been going on for the last 2 weeks, almost 3. I’m wondering if theres more to me than I think there is? I’m questioning my own brain now. I know my home is a toxic environment and work is just a good distraction but my god it’s soooooooooooooooo fucking annoying going back to how I was MONTHS PRIOR to this medication. I am fully aware I need a doctor in the psych field. To actually better treat my bipolar and shit. I always mention how the last time it went i was seeing a dude who would tell me I’d amount to nothing and live under the bridge I should walk over cause I was obese.

Y’know my meds now made me put on 10 pounds. My diet.. hasn’t changed. I had consistently stayed 166 for MONTHS and 2 months into this medication I’ve put on 10 pounds.

And I’m still emotionally fucking unstable and of course I’m terrified of losing the people I hold dear to me. Which. Isn’t a lot. But still. Cause it fucking happened before. “Oh I love you, your mental health won’t scare ME off!” And then you vanished, weird. I’m having deja vu.

The things I’ve noticed:

My mania is more apparent and holy shit am I annoying, my mom should’ve aborted me.

My energy is really weird.

I sleep heavily instead of lightly ? I guess. Cause it makes you sleep. So. Eh.

Optimistic at weird times.

I’ve become a little more socially inclusive whereas I was becoming extremely exclusive / isolated.

Things that seem to remain the same:

Crying every night over my own agony when I know it could be worse but my brain keeps telling me to just fucking die and reminds me of every bad interaction I’ve had with people and how my life is literally stagnant.

I am emotionally draining and I don’t know why people associate with me at all. I’m no one of high importance, I know my worth, but I’m reminded I should really fucking get a grip and stop believing that. I do know my qualities as a person: I’m fun, high energy and loving. I’m also bitter and really fucking cold when there’s been nothing on the receiving end. Which.. you know.. is when it’s time to cut out people. Really. I rather avoid any unnecessary drama. I know there’s no way to actually say “hey, I’m leaving. Don’t be mad, it’s just me. Not you. I’m still here though.” I have enough drama in this household. Life is just weird ? Like. My homes toxic. Not only mentally but jesus this house is DISGUSTING. Florida is SHITTY IN GENERAL. The people here.. god bless them.

I’ve been nothing but stressed. And terrified I’m gonna lose people from me just.. always being depressed. Reaching out all “hey i’m here if you need me” like that really doesn’t do anything for me and I’m sorry but it’s useless. I don’t really need a pep talk or a reminder either. I just need to get a grip. I just wanna be happy but I’ll never achieve that.

On top of that I worry about my love life. I know people love me and ooohh my amazing qualities ^_^ but I feel like.. I’ll never find someone who will just look at me and go “ABSOLUTELY. MINE. THE BEST. I LOVE U. WED ME.” and be comfortable with me and work with my fuckery (and my hideousness cause I’ll never be happy with whomst I see in the mirror..). I’m nooooooooot looking for anyone though. Also have trust issues. Thumbs up. (I fall in love pretty quickly, but I’ll neeever do dating sites or the such.)

GUESS I’VE NEVER REALLY LEARNED HOW TO COPE OR LET GO OF ANYTHING. I’ll hold a grudge and a heartbreak til I fucking DIE cause I’m just that unstable.

At the same time though, when people go on about never finding someone I’ll say “hey, you really don’t need anyone to live a fulfilling life. Love yaself” or some bullshit I spew. Like. I rather be alone. HOWEVER I CAN’T. CAUSE I NEED SOMEONE. I’m very.. ugh. I’m not clingy. I’m clingy but I’m not. I just want someone to claim and be claimed. I’m very devoted when I’m in love. Since for whatever reason people wanna say “clingy is toxic / abusive behavior” cool thanks I’m not abusive.. maybe a little toxic. I can’t be perfect all the time. I keep my fucking mouth shut don’t I? Not really.

I just wanna be coddled and properly loved. I’ve.. not really ever had that. Everything was restricted. I hate being touched but god damn it I wanna be held lmao. I wanna be comfortable.

With myself and with someone.

My faith is so extremely low and the other bit of all this is my focus on my art and my comics and blah blah It’s taking me So Long to DO ANYTHING. I’d step down to part time at my job but I’d lose my AMAZING BENEFITS. (my 5% discount at doctors offices cause I’ve limited travel! Lol! It cost me nearly $300 just to talk to someone about the meds I’m on and am almost out of! I still owe $100!!!! I tossed the bill out!!!!!!!!!!!) I need the full time hours especially if I want to move out of here. I’m stuck. I’M STUCK. I’m fucking STUCK. I don’t DRIVE YET. Lifes expensive and bitch I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THIS.

Things I’m fully aware of: I’m worth something, I have value and importance, I need to find actual help, I need to take the steps necessary for some healing process, I need to be on more than just 1 thing to keep my stable, I need to find balance and a system I can work with, I need to eat better and sleep better (Even tho my energy is very lunar fueled.) I can’t stress about the unknown, I need to do the scary things.

I don’t have an issue with opening up and vulnerability, I just get really embarrassed that I’m like this and I fucking breakdown crying when I do. Like. I can go on about everything in the book. Actually using my vocal cords for such a thing.. not entirely impossible.. Just extremely difficult.

Why even make things public? Hm? What’s the good in that? You’re just bitching for attention on the internet. No one needs to know about this! My aunt inquiring why, when I am 24 years old and am allowed to do as I fucking please.

Mental health is such a.. gently brushed on topic by a lot people and very focused on by a select few others. Acknowledgement is very important in this day and age.  As a reminder to others looking, you’re not alone. Be it bipolar or bpd or PTSD etc etc.. When I was 13-17, no one was saying shit other than my doctor talking shit about me being useless. So y’know, 24 years old, still very much so struggling but still surviving. It hurts. It sucks. Eventually it’ll get better. I know on the internet it looks like everyones queer and sad which probably so, but it’s a little comforting to know that you’re not the only sad bitch. Cause you go about your business in a world where people just emit neurotypical behaviors and don’t understand, look at you like you’re a crackhead cause you’re manic af. Hello. Hi. It’s me you’re talking about.

Anyway, I’m not happy and I want to be happy. Being some nightly ritual of crying alone in your bed.. Is sooooooooooo exhausting..

[threeletterslife]

Chana I really need to stop reading your angsty fics because I desire happy endings even though I already kNOW it’s going to have a sad ending- but as much as I hate the p a i n it’s also addicting and I keep going for more angst 😩 please idk what kind of toxic relationship I’m in with angst but I AM STILL NOT FUNCTIONING LIKE A NORMAL BTLG WAS SO GOOD 😭 anyways I’ve come to the conclusion that I like lots of angst bUt things wrap up in fluff but I still had to read BTLG bc your writing 🤩 🌻

also I’m sorry I’ve already sent in two asks that just have me uselessly rambling about BTLG hHhHh but your creativity in how you tweaked the story was so clever :0 like the poison apple plan actually made sense LOLOL but tbh I didn’t think Snow would accuse YN because in the beginning she was, as you said, someone living in their own fantasy world all the time. LOL I guess she isn’t as pURe and fluff as I thought :,) I also thought YN wouldn’t smash the mirror and instead would have her soul

~haunt~ the king, Snow, and JK for the rest of their lives but I think your choice was better,, the shattered mirror kinda parallels YN’s sHaTtEReD hEaRt 😃 but your characterization of Snow at the wedding uGHSHDJSHD SO GOOD I TELL YOU, it really made me want to go *pow* and punch Snow and her manicured fingers into her death :) YN’s entire story was so sad 😭 she tried to save JK and Snow but they end up betraying her instead :,( LET ME TELL YOU THOUGH THE FLASHBACK FLUFFY SCENES OF JK WERE

GENIUS AND REALLY MADE ME FEEL SAD OVER JUNGKOOK’S STUPID BEHAVIOR LATER ON :(( also nice contrast to how his character treats YN 😔 aNYWAYS,, I’m not really great at analyzing writing oR expressing what I thought of stuff so uh 😃 I’m sorry for the messy feedback on what I liked in BTLG- ;-;-; 🌻

soRRY FOR THE SPAM BUT ONE MORE THING I HOPE YOURE HAVING A NICE DAY EVEN THOUGH YOU HAD THE VACCINE BUT IF YOURE NOT FEELING THAT GREAT HOPEFULLY YOU GET BETTER SOON ☺️💓 ~🌻

PLEASE NOT YOU HAVING A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP W ANGST 😭😭😭 HONESTLY THO, I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND. when a fic is *angsty* throughout the plotline but ends with ~fluff~ it’s just omf *chef’s kiss.* but i’m so sorry i keep dousing you with angst 😄 i swear i have some fluffy fics on the way!! 

aND DON’T BE SORRY ABOUT RAMBLING!!! I LOVE RAMBLING. I DO IT ALL THE TIME. AND I LOVE LISTENING TO RAMBLING TOO! (ER, READING IN THIS CASE LMAO). BUT LOLOL TO WRITE THIS FIC I HAD TO DO SM RESEARCH OF THE ORIGINAL SNOW WHITE TALE 😭it was actually very very interesting. i grew up with the version of snow white where the ‘evil’ queen tries to kill snow THREE times (poisoned comb, belts, the infamous apple) and snow punishes her with the hot-iron shoes. i didn’t wanna drag the fic on for too long (and i didn’t think yn’s that desperate to try to make snow fall THREE TIMES.) so i ended up cutting out the two other attempts and kept the apple. (especially bc the apple holds some significance to yn’s past with jungkook!) and yes, yes. snow is qUite the ambiguous character. she may seem innocent and ditzy and pure but you never know what’s going on in her head. maybe she was jealous of her stepmother’s beauty. maybe she hated the fact that yn never truly loved her. there are a lot of reasons snow could’ve turned on her stepmother. but one thing’s certain 😩 trust nO ONE!! (characterizing snow was also very fun! she grew up in an environment with zero threats. everybody automatically loved her. so when she saw yn being all ‘ehhh i dOn’T kNoW aBoUt hEr,’ she probably got pretty pissed. she’s nothing but a spoiled young child who got really lucky in life. and even in a disney sense, snow was always my LEAST fav disney princess LMAO. did that show too much in the fic? 😩)

omgg i don’t think yn has that much inherent ‘bad’ inside her to use her soul to haunt those who wronged her 😩😩 she’s such a poor soul who was abused and neglected throughout her life :(( i do rlly feel bad for her. bestie could never win 😭 AND YES. THE SHATTERED SOUL=HER SHATTERED HEART 😩😩 THANK YOU FOR CATCHING THAT!! SHE SACRIFICED EVERYTHING FOR EVERYONE AND NO ONE ENDED UP GIVING TWO SHITS 💔

I THINK THE FUNNY THING ABOUT BTLG IS THAT THE FLUFF IS REALLY DISGUISED ANGST. like you said, the fluff was really only there to contrast how jk treated her before and after. quite depressing if i do say so myself 😭he could’ve been her sweetheart. except she had to go all savior complex on him 💔

AND NONSENSE. YOUR ANALYSIS IS SOUND AND I LOVE TO HEAR YOU TALK ABOUT YOUR THOUGHTS!! THIS AIN’T MATH OR SCIENCE. WE LOVE MESSINESS HERE. MESSINESS=CREATIVITY. WE DON’T THINK LINEARLY, DEAR. SO THE MESSIER THE BETTER 😩😩

I APPRECIATE THE SPAM SO, SO MUCH!! I’M DOING A LOT BETTER TODAY! I HAD A BIT OF A HEADACHE YESTERDAY BUT IT WASN’T AS BAD AS I EXPECTED?? BUT I HOPE YOU’RE DOING WELL TOO!! AS USUAL THANK YOU FOR YOUR MESSAGES 😩😩

[trickstarbrave]

I see some of my old posts abt this getting likes still so I did feel the need for whatever reason to post an update or rather restatement to my views on the topic

I know this is a horribly tired topic that was discoursed to hell and then left behind and for good reason so as a warning: ace discourse below

First and foremost I’m not in the business of telling ppl wholesale they don’t belong in the community. The vast majority of ace ppl are also other various lgbt identies and trying to “remove” people from the community is not a thing I’d ever advocate for nor have I really ever as far as I can remember. If I have in bad faith I would like to extend an apology bc I have bad memories problems and think those actions are wrong and harmful. If the consensus is ace ppl are lgbt then I’m not here to say everyone else is wrong and I’m the authority on lgbt identities. We are a coalition group, a mashing of communities w sometimes shared histories and experiences. Even if I think ace and aro ppl don’t have as many of those in common I don’t get to decide if they are or not. They are now and I’m more focused on making that work

Still though since it’s inception the ace community has not been a very healthy one. As at best a newer addition to the lgbt community being brought to light and given a label and community, the community has been toxic. Much of the foundational moments for identity were from the AVEN forums and a lot of harmful misogynistic, transphobic, homophobic, and ableist things were said on their and supported. This kind of behavior has continued well into the community even today.

This is not a moral judgment on asexuals or aromamtics. I’m aromantic. I was also subjected to these things. I always felt alienated from the community. Even when trying to engage behavior was half the time welcoming and understanding and half the time felt very hostile. I point this out because again: many asexuals and aromantics are other lgbt identies and this rhetoric is very harmful. It’s alienating. It makes you feel guiltier at times. Furthermore at times the community pressured ppl who did not have absolutely any desire for sex in any capacity to be okay with it, as though they were on the same level as people who liked and enjoyed sexual acts removed from sexual attraction to people. Sometimes it encouraged harassing people for saying having sex was a vital part of relationships for them and they felt incompatable with someone who was repulsed by sex and didn’t feel abstaining for a hypothetical ace partner would be healthy for either of them. Even more alarming was qpp’s, really originating from the aro community, spreading and simply being a tool for a while in many circles to coerce people into relationships who otherwise wouldn’t be okay with polyamory or were underaged. I’ve seen so much harm and been subjecting to it that I did have to (and still want to but avoid it for stress reasons) point this out. Even more alarming was during the discourse era seeing big name ace bloggers with large underaged followings bring on self admitted pedophiles to their blogs, and refusing to apologize when said pedophile admitted to sexually harassing minors. Lies were spread to demonize lesbians especially, and to a degree gay men as well, including that we steal funding we don’t need

As well (currently) the lgbt community hasn’t had the best resources to provide a good environment for ace and aro issues, and the ace community has not made it a priority in many spheres to curate those spaces either. As an aro sexual abuse victim there were many times I didn’t want to see public displays of affection or hear abt sexuality of any kind at times (despite not being ace) and I knew asking for those to cease in lgbt spaces would be harmful and come across as bigoted. Lgbt spaces are places to express your comfort in your identity and your relationships in the way cishet ppl can whenever they want to in society. Seeking out spaces without that just meant retreating and being alone. A curated space for aro and ace ppl would have removed tension I know many people have had and still do experience by providing refuge for sex and romance repulsed ace and aro ppl

I felt more boundaries would be beneficial, as while trans people are no doubt a part of the lgbt community (regardless of how many trabsphobes say we don’t belong), trans specific areas and communities still exist. Trans spaces where trans experiences are centered are a priority. The ace community regardless needs better spaces for ace people besides social media and Internet forums. It needs structure and accountability. It needs to unlearn harmful practices and bigotry that have run rampant for their own members’ sake, not for the sake of outside people to see validity in it.

And for a while, people who were otherwise cisgendered, heteroromantic and asexual would speak out in lgbt spaces about trans and gay issues because this is the “same community”. Cis gay men have no authority on lesbian, bi, or trans issues. Cis lesbians have no authority on gay men’s, bi, or trans issues. Cis heterosexual trans ppl shouldn’t talk abt lgbp issues w authority. Cishet ace and aro ppl shouldn’t talk those either. A lot of the hostility and early discourse was abt that, about those bloggers who very quickly left the discussions and website entirely in some cases, speaking about issues that shouldn’t concern them. About homophobia and how it should be treated or tolerated, using slurs they had no right using, and more. Even more alienating was ppl saying a character was ace rather than gay, and when pointed out they could be both it resulted in backlash as trying to take away ace representation, and then real human survivors of sexual abuse who were dead were framed as ace icons and ace representation while framing their discussions of their reactions to sexual abuse as “the ace experience”. Lies spread that ace conversion therapy was a thing and that doctors were going to hold you down and feed you medicine to make you want to have sex, terrifying many young bloggers on this website who genuinely believed and lived in fear of this happening until they were told it was misinformation and lies.

(Yes you can be sexually assaulted for being ace, yes victims of sexual abuse can as a result ID as ace or aro, that’s not what I’m arguing against in case somehow someone finds a way )

But from the other side I’ve seen and spoken out against people who just said bigoted things. Claiming there were too many gender and sexuality identities. I think the split attraction model is limited to ace and aro ppl to explain our identities more coherently and misapplying it to others only servers in the end to stigmatize various sexualities, but this went beyond that. For many people “grey” and “demi” modifiers are useful. I’m grey aro. My romantic feelings are complicated and inconsistent enough I think it’s not average. Sure to a degree “anyone” could be demi or aro and many ppl in the ace community have misattributed those modified identities to ppl who didn’t even fully explore how they felt, but they are not worthless. I can count to you how many times I’ve felt genuine romantic attraction, and I do not fully understand the intricacies of romantic attraction, nor the differences at time between platonic feelings in practice. I was mocked for my identity several times and saw people with identities like mine mocked. This was not a discussion of it these identities were harmful like claiming disassociating during sex was a normal sexual identity. At worst they are unnecessary.

I’ve been always more invested abt having a better community for ace and aro ppl bc that’s what I ultimately wanted. No, they didn’t have the messy intertwined history of other lgbt identities but also they didn’t have to be. Lgbt or not there wasn’t a space for ace and aro ppl I thought was really healthy. It was either they existed there in a group with other people with their issues being talked about or not at all. Ace pride colors were based on the at times toxic forum website AVEN. The aro community was often overlooked by ace ppl or at times actively thrown under the bus.

And lies and misinformation was still spread. Pieces of history incoherently being co-opted and misappropriated to seem legitimate. And to top it all off ace and aro specific oppression was incoherently discussed to. How different forms of oppression work together and often feed into each other or take new shapes was ignored. Studies were extremely limited in scope, loaded, and mostly inconclusive. Facets of misogyny and even homophobia were framed as ace exclusive and unique experiences, and people lied about real life discrimination for being ace (usually these were young people like the 15 y/o who claimed to have two gay dads who kicked her out for being ace, so I won’t dwell on those as much. Tumblr has been a weird website). Discussions of race especially were riddled w terrible behavior from white ace bloggers who resorted to lying, shaming, and guilt tripping. All this only serves to fan the flames and drive a wedge between communities even tho inclusionists claimed it was all evil exclusionists doing while refusing to call out the misinformation and bigotry they often spread. There was no purpose in harassing bloggers of color, no purpose in terrifying children so they lived in fear of medical professionals and most ppl, and no excuse.

Hopefully moving on from this it will truly die away, but I hope people learn from it. This wasn’t just as some ppl frame it cis gay and lesbian bloggers starting a harassment campaign to try and kick aces out on a large scale. This was a messy discussion that was years brewing until it exploded in even more vitriol, misinformation, and rage. It became an opportunity to critique an (albeit in comparison young) community for harmful behavior that was going unchecked and lead to even further bigotry, misinformation, and alienation. And the bigotry and misinformation didn’t serve a purpose and little understanding of what ace and aro people needed besides information and education to the public, which was already taking place before this, was had. And ultimately I expected more from the community at large.

To ace and aro followers and readers: I’ve seen some ugly parts of the community but I don’t necessarily demand you answer for that behavior, unless you’re personally guilt of it. I don’t say this because I have a mission to prove you’re bad. I think the community is toxic, but it will ultimately not get better unless ppl who are dedicated to it are willing to help find what resources ppl need, provide it, and refuse to encourage or call out shitty behavior. And ultimately that will come from a place of love and desire to create an environment future generations will feel welcomed in. I just don’t want other ace and aro kids being lied to about what they’ll experience, subjected to homophobia and transphobia of many colors, and at times groomed by adults. And I don’t want it based around just social media where anyone can lie abt credentials and act like an expert to further any of those horrible goals, even unintentionally

[renavents-blog]

i haven’t been on here in a long time but i’m really upset and need to vent a bit

so i’ve been doing rlly well lately bc i’ve started being a lot more open with my family and friends and i got back into cosplay and cospllay dancing and youtube which is rlly important to me and a rlly important stress relief and stuff and gives me smth to hold onto and makes me happy and also my me and my friend are booking a holiiday to disney paris tomorrow which will be my first time going abroad and i’ve been looking into unis and stuff that i want to apply to.

but like i can feel myself rapidly going to shit again. idek what’s up half the time, i guess the ‘buzz’ of doing new things and being in a new environment kinda??? is wearing off but also since going to my DWP assessment i’ve kinda felt like shit. for obvious reasons bc it was sensitive question after sensitive question and i have a strong feeling that i won’t even end up getting my money in the end. we’ve also been watching tapes from my childhood which has kind of messed my head up bc we’ve kind of been able to pinpoint where stuff started going to shit and it /was/ around my mum’s operation. which was also a bit late to develop a dissociative disorder (i was around 8-9?) but still possible which would also explain why it’s osdd if i do have one, bc it was late. also since watching the tapes i keep feeling a small child around and i’ve no idea whether it’s my inner child or something else but they seem to have a lot of bad feelings and they keep affecting me too

plus side, the doctors are going to refer me to a psychologist who will assess me again (particularly for adhd bc i mentioned that was a concern to me) and i’ve grown a lot more mature abt my mental health in general esp since leaving tumblr. i still struggle with the same things like none of it stopped once i left which proves its legit ig but i’ve stopped trying to diagnose myself and i’ve started calling it ‘bad mental health’ instead which is good for me personally, but i do think i need to be reassessed again esp if i want the correct support.

rn i’m really upset bc i had nightmares abt the bullying last night that i don’t really have nightmares about, i’m lucky bc i don’t get like. clear trauma nightmares that frequently but when i do they’re usually about my abuser or sexual assault, but it’s not as much abt the bullying, last night was super centric on that tho and now it’s all kind of come flooding back to me and just. ugh. bluh.

also i had a breakdown last night bc i’m not r’s comfort person  and somebody else is, even tho i try so so so so so hard to make them happy and i’ve never upset them or made them angry and i just do everythingn but i can’t mean as much to them as this person that has upset them on multiple occasions and it hurts so much bc i can’t understand wy even tho im sure that bc this person has a kin that is important to r that is why they can be that and i can’t.

anyay that’s where i am atm, just in a big slump after a high ig. thinking of coming back to tumblr after i’ve applied to university cuz i miss the good things but it honestly kind of makes me feel sick? like i don’t get good vibes from it, feels super stuffy and toxic. twitter even thoit has some of the same problems feels much much cleaner to me but it also doesn’t have some of the communities i like on here eg kid//core communities, so i probably will come back after i’ve applied to uni but i won’t be on as often and i won’t be following anyone that posts any discourse or anything bc it really gets into my head and i get super paranoid abt what i might do wrong and stuff. so yeah i’ll probably move blogs again but only follow mostly blogs that don’t post mental health stuff or discourse abt stuff in general bc i tend to start really overthinking stuff bc of tumblr and its not healthy 

so yeah idk this is this ig. like if you read pls

[exquisite-tragedy]

Update

Idk updating just seems fair even tho I don’t really feel like doing this. Everything Bianca said was wrong lmao. Idiot. Still waiting for everything to go to shit for gabby tho? The karma just seems fair ya know? Doms gonna have to take her car back though that is true and idk what gabby is gonna do. Part of me knows her existence in my life is so toxic but at the same time? I’ve realized being at home makes me feel blocked up :( I feel so good when I’m just walking around town! When I’m running errands! When I’m just by myself, or with wonderful people like Emily and Jess and Emily and Bella my heart and soul feel so open. I walk in my house and I’m all blocked up again :( it makes me so sad because it feels like I can’t be who I am at home and it’s always felt like that. Being with my family has always made me feel like someone I’m not. It makes me sad. I don’t know what to do about it. I try to listen to my hippie music but it doesn’t help. Also! I want more tapestries! I want some for my house at my moms and I don’t want to look at the walls anymore. I want my environment. I want to build my safe space. My home in the middle of the unhappy chaos that I live in. Anyway gabby. She wants to get back with Stephanie (I don’t care how she spells her name gabby you were 13 you were so far from actually loving her). She thinks getting back with her will mend what stef broke when gabby was young. I’m sorry. But this girl has multiple personality disorder she’s about to get out of prison and she’s only been mentally stable while she’s been in prison ~away from society~. Once she’s out she will not be stable I can bet my life on that. Gabby wants to just take her in? Has she forgotten this girl has a child?? I don’t understand why she’s even playing with this idea? How dumb are you? I forget how dumb she is. I get caught up in the illusion that she’s smart and then she does her usual dumb stuff and I’m like woah wtf and then I remember oh yea she’s not actually smart she’s a poser. My definition of smart. I’m sure she’s someone else’s but that’s not my focus here because this tumblr is for me and my thoughts. Bad and good. They’ve been pretty bad lately. Gabby makes me feel so negative because she’s such a fucking...abusive jerk? Still? I need to get into the right mindset even with gabby. That everyone is on their own journey and we’re just in different places. I just don’t know how to get there with all the hate and pain that is in my heart because of her. I don’t forgive her. For any of this. God it’s so weird. I just wanna hang out with Emily and eat my chicken tenders and fries and cry and smoke and cry. She has this energy that like...draws out the pain I feel? No that’s not right. Her presence is like the sun. Flowers open up when she’s near. My heart and soul automatically become more open when I’m around her and because of that I frequently feel the desire to cry around her because I feel so much deep pain. But that homegirl is a healer. Which means she deals with that all the time. I don’t want to be a mopey negative person for her to be around. I’d like to be the light that they see in me. I don’t want everyone to see how much hate and anger I truly feel inside. It’s ugly. I have very ugly parts of myself. I really just want some chicken tenders and fries right now 😞 I wanna eat some and then smoke a joint outside with the trees ❤️ and dance to my music! And open up my soul and connect with myself. I don’t know how to get myself to cry about everything that’s happened though. My eyes will start but it’s like the entirety of my being doesn’t let it happen. It’s not even a conscious decision it just won’t happen. I hate this about myself. My emergency protective alarm or something. Don’t you understand scared Albany?! What you’re doing isn’t the right thing you NEED to cry fucking CRY! But I just can’t do it in my houses? I can’t wait to have a car. My mental health is gonna soar :) autumn forgot her music that stupid hoe. I just want chicken tenders is that too much to fucking ask?! Please :(

[renoiry]

Untitle

I used to enjoy my birthday. Even this year. I mean today. I was so excited before till i get some massage from my lil bro.

Two days ago i rembered he ask me "when was exactly my birth day, this month, right?"

"yes. 15days after mine" i said

"am about to ask some prizes?"

"and how about me"

He went silent aftrr i said that kind of joke.

And he texed me "hey i can't give u any prizes, but i just want to say thank u for become my sist who never ever punch me. Happy borth day"

Thats masaage really hurt me A LOT. I mean... This world is scary for both of us. If u ar my close friend u will understand gow much i was struggling and really wanna to die. Lebay huh? That isn't the point tho.

Me and my lyf wich is mess as fck make me want to kill my self. At this age. At this fcing age. And heres my lil bro who only 11 yers old (this year). He struggle so much more than me. I mean, yeah my dad left me when i was only 2weeks and my mom also when i was 2yo. That wasnt a big deal bcs i used to live in peaceful environment.

Only 7yo of my lil bro when he should handle the pain from adult toxic human witn no humanity who punch him. Also still at that age ppl around him keep asking about his father who physically and mentality hurt our family. I really want to slap them when they just easily said that " where is your father, he ll never come back, oh poor boy"

WTF was hapend at those society. I ll never forget and still feel so sick of that.

My lil bro can easily get rid of that case. But that is not his faults to become who he is right now. Idl what im gonna said but that what i said. He didnt do anything wrong at his lyf bcs the society build his personality.

Now everyone know how rebellious my bro is... But ppl still so mean. Seems like they can do whatever they want to my lil bro even a harmful and abusive things.they mean like really MEAN.

But he always melt me when he treat me and my mom softly. He is innocent yall SO DAMN INNOCENT. but what they did to my precious lil bro??!!!!

All of this shits make me think alot. About being born and giving a birth. I really dont want to have a child. Because of my mom, my lil bro and myslf. I ll love my children but- i love them so much even i dont have one yet. I love them and i dont want to face the fact that no matter healty atmosphere u have is still imposible to dont get hurt by other. U r the only one protagonist and other is antagonists that is the rule.

Thats it. I ll change my mind if i bumb the other fact about this life. My life. But i wont never ever change my mind about this:

PLEASE DONT U EVER TRY TO ASK "WHERE IS YOUR FATHER " TO A BROKEN HOME CHILD. AND DONT U EVER EVER USE THAT FOR TOUR TOXIC JOKE. AND ALSO "WHAT IS YOUR MOM DOIN"

guys u okay?

Those questions make me dont want to make a friend and hate to meet new ppl.

Thank u and happy birth day to me :')