#even tho i still don’t have a job (bc i can’t work bc i’m disabled)

[weed666]

god fucking dammit there’s so much i need to do lol throwback to when my doctor said she would refer me to a dermatologist and then didn’t ^_^ and then i lost my insurance for them anyway so it wouldn’t have mattered

i need to get back on kaiser so i can see that doctor again bc she’s the only one who ever took me seriously and was willing to actually treat me instead of just telling me to lose weight

but i need to fucking do something god dammit i hate that i have to fucking do something why can’t it just stop why is this happening to me why me why me why me why me why me why me

[itsgivingautism]

01/18/24 — Zia rants about being autistic & physically disabled & chronically ill in a fucked ableist society & having to be dependent on their partner

Started to have meltdown over this & other stuff to my partner before he left for work…. I didn’t meant to have a morning meltdown. I found myself shutting down and feeling guilty before he left bc I can recognize it’s hard on him even when he doesn’t wanna show it. But needed a place to rant and ended up going off down below for a like an hour. I don’t want to open up but I made tumblr after not being on here since high school for an outlet for a lot of reasons, with support & encouragement from therapists to do so. But I also hate being perceived. I’m just so fucking annoying tho I somehow always bring attention to myself that I never want….. but I’m also learning to tell my story & share my experiences. As an autistic person late diagnosed who was severely abused throughout my entire childhood opening up, learning to unmask & not shutdown, understanding my own thoughts, feelings, & experiences is so fucking hard.

I am so grateful for my partner but god I wish I was independent. I wish I had the ability to take care of myself. I wish I wasn’t so fucking dependent on his love and support. I wish I wasn’t so needy, or clingy. I wish I wasn’t disabled physically and mentally. I wish I wasn’t so wounded & traumatized. I wish I wasn’t so chronically ill. I wish I wasn’t in autistic burnout, a state of prolonged cognitive decline that one average can last 2-10 years.

I wish I could get a job. Even working from home but my mind can’t even. I’m constantly age regressing and going across different timelines of my mind and getting trapped, constantly disconnecting from this current physical reality even when I seem like a part of it to others - but it’s just automatic masking as a trauma response. All a result of my CPTSD+autism+adhd

I haven’t been able to work a real job since 2020. I’ve been fighting to get the support & benefits I need but constantly being shit on. Having to go thru constant channels to prove how severe my issues are and then being told try this treatment first and when it doesn’t work its still somehow my fault. I’m sick of having to prove my disabilities & illnesses and then when I show how bad they are I’m being dramatic. But when I mask & show strength, I must be making it up. How could you be so strong about then? There’s no winning. Only losing. I don’t see a point in showing weakness or asking for help. But then refusing to and bottling it all up, that has lead me to deeply problematic bad spirals. I just want to be taken seriously by doctors & medical professionals. I hate this country.

I wish I was normal. I hate burdening my partner. Although I know he doesn’t want me to feel like one and he genuinely wants to help me, I also know I stress him out….

I am dependent on him financially while his job is fucking over their contracts, refusing to give him & his coworkers the raises they were supposed to get a year ago. Him and his coworkers have collectively trying to unionize for months (which is the only reason they actually didn’t get a pay cut which the company was tryna do even tho they were supposed to give raises last year) and ofc my partner has been the one leading the unionizing. (We joke about my radicalism really rubbing off on him)

I’m constantly trying to find ways to make money, which end up doing more damage to my body. He hate what it does to me. He wishes he could do more while stuck in his work contract. it’s a lot on him. And I feel like his life would be so much less stressful without me tho….. or at least if I could just be normal & healthy….

Even my friends point out that unless I’m talking about my emotions & trauma I don’t make any sense talking…. like burnout really shows…. It’s embarrassing constantly. I sound like a so clearly disabled most of the time. I used to exceptionally smart & articulate before this burnout. Ik they mean it accepting my but it’s hard when 90% of what I say comes out wrong. It’s hard when I’m trying to be supportive and it sounds like asshole shit bc my issues with speech & cognition. I want to be a lovely validating friend. Not the one they have to dissect my word vomit to find the love & support in foolish clumsily words. I’m technically hyperlexic so I can keep creating words but my other learning disabilities downgrade the quality & meaning of those words.

But I also only make sense when talking about my looping emotions & trauma is bc I only share what I can (the deeper stuff is vaulted by selective mutism & shutdowns). This is the shit going thru my brain, talking to myself about and looping constantly. Ofc it’s the only thing I can talk about. But even most the time I’m still not making sense entirely. But it’s all I can think about, talk to myself about, and it’s all the my brain is giving me permission to share about myself.

[floradewdrop]

personal - dec 30, 23

i’ve legit stopped reaching out to anyone bc i have to schedule time two weeks or a month in advance

this isn’t to say they’re shit or doing a bad job, like fuck that they’re great friends, it’s not their fault. i just need to make that clear before i proceed for myself _ it’s just capitalism and what it takes from us. if you read this u know who u r, i promise i love u and it’s not about you or anything. i’m just pissed at y’all having to be slaves to working until you die.

but unfortunately with my mental illnesses, my isolation and insecurity has be believing , i truly don’t feel anyone wants to drop things for me anymore, and that sounds so selfish and petty and i suppose it is. but then when i think about how much i want to reach out and just ask for physical support it has to be scheduled. emotional support can only go so far and it’s starting to suck more and more that i’ve literally just stopped looking at my phone bc it makes me so sad that id really love a supportive community to be there for me but it isn’t like i need, and im so selfish for saying that i hate it. i hate that i doubt this delusional shit in my head i just wish my brain could be like,,, chill about something suddenly happening without thinking the world is going to end, what im going to do, how do i reshape my life around this

but then my therapists tell me it’s natural to want that and to be desperate for it when i’m lonely like this, to validate the suffering because it’s real and happening even if it’s to none of my friends’ direct fault,

but then i also don’t have family to lean on.

my reach of contact is one of my therapists and it helps a lil bit it’s just a text and nothing personal like a friend can say or offer, so i ask friends for good vibes, but i feel so crap about myself i think they think im such a nuisance bc i need to much support and that i ask too much of them

i got ghosted this past week asking for physical support after they offered it and i got ghosted - it was a communication error that they didn’t get my text (even though it says delivered) and they were the last friend i though could offer some physical support bc they live closer , even tho it was a miscommunication it still sucks to be waiting around on my phone all day waiting for them to keep their word and didn’t

i’m really glad my therapists are upping my care this coming year, because i’m unfortunately too incapable / disabled to lead a capitalist life. you’d think it would be super cool but when i can’t even get two days in a row to be consistent enough over a decade now but it’s actually fucking not - to live disabled is to live in constant pain and just fucking doubt in myself of ever leading a life that isn’t servitude to my parents or gvnt for money, but that struggle isn’t too different from the average american anyways, disability or not, it’s just shit here.

i can’t believe it’s been a fucking decade and i’m still living day to day mentally and have lost more “friends” in my life than have gained in support and im still crippled by the tiniest infractions in my day.

fucking everything i’m diagnosed with, just fuck them all. i know capitalism sucks, but i don’t think some ppl realize how desperately i wish i could at least get my own job to pay my own life’s way, but i cant. (maybe one day? but a long time from now)

i can’t believe i’m in my 30s and having to have my therapists talk privately to my parents on what’s going on and their future plan for me (to which i’m expecting a catastrophic response tbqh)

i am glad i’m not at a point in my life where SH or sui*de are not part of my daily rotation, so i know growth has been made, so it’s a weird feeling to know i’ll survive but also sucks that i’ll survive bc life is hard. apart from social neglect and isolation those are things that can be remedied, i think over time,

BUT BOY DOES IT FUCKING SUCK IN THE MOMENT LIKE THIS MOMENT JFC IT SUCKS I WANNA SUCK JOY OUT OF EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANNA SCREAM AND CRY

it’s honestly stemmed from my family’s decision to not give a fuck about me around my bday this past year, and just cascaded into everything else while they continued to compact more stress and, unfortunately, burned my bridge completely for them this year and for the foreseeable future. to have the best xmas i’ve ever had last year full of support and wonder, to this year full rejection of who i am (which is why i spent xmas alone )

but i truly wish i was invited out to things and holidays to be included, but can’t be a burden bc how dare i think anyone should include me, so i decline because im not worthy.

my therapists say if things get the green from my parents come next month then things will be changing in my care and i so hope and wish for that to happen. they’ve been every stumbling block so i’m not hoping too highly unu

i watched a small like q&a with some furries (i know how it sounds) but honestly im not into a full suit but i’ve always loved fox ears and tail, thanks to gaia, and their community seems so welcoming and supportive. i don’t know anything about that world except most media and a few good words here and there but after this vid i watched im gonna do more research. i know this sounds harsh, but bc of the internet i didn’t really know that its not as sexual as the internet makes it, they just like to have fun and dress up and escape , like dnd. honestly the first time in months ive felt excited about maybe joining a new community, and although i feel cringe for the fandom, educating myself was important to get the misinformation out of the way for me to be like “oh, yeah i just think it’s cute! im not attracted to any furries or animals, but i think its fun and cute to play and cosplay!” always have, so i guess its me getting over my embarrassment of it idk - ppl just really wanna have fun and be silly and make others happy, even if its a costume like an animal. its creative af tbh,

all that to say i’m lonely now and it hurts so bad right now. i don’t even want a SO lmfao, i’m far from wanting anything like that, but just more friends who have more time. i honestly don’t even think it’s possible in america bc of our work grind culture, but i have to hope that over time maybe it gets easier on everyone idk

i’m just hoping and wanting friends and social interaction a lot and my disabilities are such a catalyst for it

jffiekgirorogorofogk it’s 3AM shit post man i haven’t shit post or blog posted on here in years like this , feels good. feels right. all my dirty laundry on the most worst trusted social media platform that somehow never sinks. LMFAO

wow i’m really fucking autistic LMFAO just thinking about how much this also reflects poorly on my routine habits and trying to gain stability in that, when it doesn’t happen my day is just gone and i’m in a brain fog of not understanding and trying to figure out social queues and if i did something wrong

okay, i feel a bit better. good vent session meggie LOL okay time to try to sleep and wind down i hope - even though im amped on ptsd dreams and avoiding sleep to not wake up 3 times having to change sweaty clothes

tomorrow,,, i buy something nice for myself. maybe a crystal.

[sunflowerseraph]

HEEHEE! hits u back with the character game uhh thor or bucky :33

!!! I'll do... BOTH >:D ! It'll be long tho so I'm putting em under cuts :}

Here's the ask game btw!

Thor!

How I feel about this character: OH he's such a bi disaster. But he's trying his best. Textbook himbo. Crushed under the weight of his father's expectations of him alot of the time. Probably struggles with self worth nowadays too,with the battles and family he's lost! Also he's very much like those memes abt dudes/dads where they'll mention some horrible childhood trauma and then have some funny song playing in their head like nothin even happened.! I feel like he cares very deeply for the friendships he's made and the found family he's gained with the warriors three [rip] and the avengers! Overall? Kind himbo who respects women and forgets how smart he is sometimes.

All the people I ship romantically with this character: honestly this is such a hard question cause im sure if u presented me with like,good reasons for most people then I'd be on board. But so far one of my Main ships for Thor rn is Bruce and Thor <3 GammaHammer makes me happy :} I've seen thor n valkyrie stuff too which is like aight they're all bi4bi t4t prolly,but honestly a polycule or some shit w Bruce Val and thor would be Inch resting :} I'm not sure tho! Oh and Jane Foster I Guess but she's not rlly up there.

My non-romantic OTP for this character: OH absolutely thor and loki ! Brothers 🤍 I rewatch the thor movies the other day and seeing them fight together and hang out as kids made me so 🥺❗ yknow? I also think Thor n Darcy are a fun pair! Thor and the warriors three make me :} as well bc they're all buddies! That's his little family yknow!! Or. Was.

My unpopular opinion about this character: listen i know I just called him a himbo but he's smarter than people give him credit for I think. But also he's pretty cocky at times with his fighting ability and I feel like that's his greatest downfall. He tends to sorta think he can do everything on his own,and he doesn't rely on others until he really needs to and it ends up w him or his companions hurt :(

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.: ough I wish we could've gotten more time to see him experiencing earth stuff! In other like shows n such (like one of the animated series) its funny to see him interacting with mortals and I feel like we don't get that enough. Like sure we got the "another!" Scene and if you watched the YouTube mocumentary he obviously doesn't understand money or jobs. But it's still funny and I'd like to see him go "I don't understand what that means :D" like an optimistic puppy yknow :]

Uhmm yeh that's for thor! OK Bucky time 🤍

Bucky-

How I feel about this character: I feel like. They should do more w him in the mcu! But that's just bc im a kinnie ig but it makes me sad that he's just viewed as Steve's Sidekick when he's got a personality and works so well as Sam's partner in TFAWTS! I like the representation he can bring to the table though,regarding disability (I mean even though. He's an enhanced person but yknow.) And mental health! He also shows that your past doesn't need to define you and you CAN be free and work past old mistakes.! I feel like he's a little out of touch sometimes bc of the time shifts and mental stuff goin on,but I'm not saying it's a bad thing,its just compelling to meeee

All the people I ship romantically with this character: I USED to ship stevebucky I won't lie,but I much rather prefer SamBucky bc its just better LMAO Sam is much cooler than Steve in many regards and to me Sam is a better influence on Buckys life ig? Like. Idk how to explain it well enough but their banter is better and they compliment eachother rather than one of them taking the reigns all the time. I just like the level playing field where it still feels like Bucky can be a Sidekick but his partner at the same time rather than Just Bucky Barnes. Idk if that makes sense but !

My non-romantic OTP for this character: honestly I'm not sure? I feel like if they could both get over association's with like...almost killing eachother Bucky and Nat could be friends :] both were molded to be Weapons and have to deal with their traumas and mental health. Obviously I also wish Steve would've stuck around bc I hate that he like.LEFT his best friend and new family,but whatever.

My unpopular opinion about this character: I think bucky is sort of a dork actually. Alot of people make him very stoic and Winter Soldiery but that's. Not all he is! He's a complex person who's been used and weaponized and its annoying whenever people try to say he's a stoic person or whatever. Like no bro ur thinking abt the winter soldier. Ofc the winter solider was/is part of him and that doesn't just shut off but I think it's bs to boil him down to Killing Machine Assasinator Ooo Scary! When he was also a soldier during. Fucking Ww2! He was also like shown to be a bit of a dorky guy who liked to dance and be with chick's n shit lmao,like he mustve been a charmer. And even after,like during tfatws he's shown to still have bits of that personality. He messes around with Sam's nephews and offers help without prompting and just overall wants to live a more peaceful life while still managing to be social and humorous. ("How old are you anyways?" "106.") Anyways I think what I'm saying is ppl tend to forget to split him and tws.!

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.: this is sort of similar to the Thor thing but discovering new age shit! Like I wanna see him be bad at tech or be confused by new slang. Also wanna see him like, get annoyed at how the tech is where he's at vs. The wakandan tech. That shit probably blew his socks off and then he had to go hang w Americans and went :(?? How do i use a flip phone. The beads were so convenient in Wakanda HFNEBDB. I also wish we could've actually seen how bucky Healed in Wakanda?? Like however he was helped yknow? I'm sure they (mcu) can't like do much besides say he was Magically Cured Of Mental Illness so I guess I'm glad they left it up to whatever but. Still 😔

Anyways uhm yeah! Sorry this is so long sjdjf it prolly doesn't make much sense but 👍❤

[ziracona]

i was just wondering what your favourite tropes and dynamics are to explore in fic? either to write yourself or to read!

Oooh, that’s a hard one to answer because I like so many! Uhhh...Let me think.

Well, one of my favorite tropes is definitely Found Family. What is really more satisfying and worthwhile than a group of damaged people coming together and slowly building trust and love until they are inseparably bonded and full of love and have found things they never thought they would? 

I am extremely weak to memory loss both because I have some myself, and the American Dragon Jake Long episode Homecoming ripped out my heart as a kid and left me suffering, then Code Geass stepped on it twice with Shirley the same way. So I really like memory loss centered tragedy tropes bc I am 3x weak to them. I am also weak to that trope where one person is trapped in a room with a bomb, or going to drown, or for whatever reason cannot be saved from dying, so a loved one goes and stays and dies with them too just so they don’t have to die alone. Frkn /shatters/ my heart.

I love hurt comfort a lot. I think my favorite scenes to write and read are often one person is completely at the mercy of person 2, who they have no reason to think will help them and are terrified of being hurt by, but instead of person 2 doing anything bad at all, they are kind and look after them and save them. I die for that. It is the lifeblood of my soul.

I also like big character arcs and well done redemption arcs (bad ones make me rage tho. If I was a card in a tarot deck, I’d be Justice). Personal growth, finding hope again, learning to trust or love yourself. I really like character studies, and I like in-depth looks at serious issues and complex and messed up situations. I also am a big fan of deeply important and lasting platonic relationships, be it familial or best friends or whatever, and like romances where the two in question (or more if poly) just try really hard to be good to each other and communicate well and are full of love and would die for each other. 

Love pets being a big element of story. Love language barriers, and like writing them/communication barriers. I am usually not very interested in stories (writing or reading) that don’t have good rep in a number of ways. Like writing disabled characters well because I see them get written very grossly so much (I like writing tons of groups this is just the one I did most recently, so it’s on my mind rn. I am disabled, but I’m also a lot of other things to & def don’t only focus on/be interested by my own stuff). I am kinda branching out from tropes to just elements now tho. Uhhhhh, tropes, tropes. I love the opposite of that stupid “If you kill an evil person you’re just as bad”--I am here to see people end the people who murdered their friends or abused them. It’s what they deserve. Not here for a woobie redemption arc for an abuser. Very tired of those & angy. 

I love humor in the midst of intense drama or horror or sadness. I’m big into massive sacrifices, but especially if it’s something other than death bc those tend to be more well thought out.

I adore characters who have been through awful things and suffered and been abused getting to actually heal and live happy lives instead of just dying the second they start to taste happiness. I love themes and tropes about the value and lasting nature of human connection and how important and lasting it is.

(putting the rest under a cut bc I am having fun but this be getting long)

Uhhh, I am obsessed with free will > fate and choice, and I really like humanity and things about what it means to be human, and ethics, but like, in an interesting way? Like, Terry Pratchett’s stuff really appeals to me. Like  “What have I always believed? That on the whole, and by and large, if a man lived properly, not according to what any priests said, but according to what seemed decent and honest inside, then it would, at the end, more or less, turn out all right.”    “Just because you can explain it doesn't mean it's not still a miracle.”   “The figures looked more or less human. And they were engaged in religion. You could tell by the knives (it's not murder if you do it for a god).”   “There are hardly any excesses of the most crazed psychopath that cannot easily be duplicated by a normal kindly family man who just comes in to work every day and has a job to do.”    “There’s no point in believing in things that exist.”    “You couldn’t put off the inevitable. Because sooner or later, you reached the place when the inevitable just went and waited.”  and   

“Yeah? How many worshipers have you got?”  “Fifty-one!” The newt looked at him hopefully, and added, “Is that lots? Can't count.” It pointed at a rather crudely molded figure on the beach in Omnia and said, “But got a stake!”  Om looked at the figure of the little fisherman. “When he dies, you'll have fifty worshippers,” he said.  “That more or less than fifty-one?” “A lot less.”  “Definite?”  “Yes.”  “No one tell me that.” There were several dozen gods watching the beach. Om vaguely remembered the Ephebian statues. There was the goddess with the badly carved owl. Yes. Om rubbed his head. This wasn't god-like thinking. It seemed simpler when you were up here. It was all a game. You forgot that it wasn't a game down there. People died. Bits got chopped off. We're like eagles up here, he thought. Sometimes we show a tortoise how to fly. Then we let go.  He said, to the occult world in general, “There's people going to die down there.”  A Tsortean God of the Sun did not even bother to look round. “That's what they're for,” he said. In his hand he was holding a dice box that looked very much like a human skull with rubies in the eye-sockets.  “Ah, yes,” said Om. “I forgot that, for a moment.” He looked at the skull, and then turned to the little Goddess of Plenty. “What's this, love? A cornucopia? Can I have a look? Thanks.” Om emptied some of the fruit out. Then he nudged the Newt God. “If I was you, friend, I'd find something long and hefty,” he said.  “Is one less than fifty-one?” said P'Tang-P'Tang.  “It's the same,” said Om, firmly. He eyed the back of the Tsortean God's head.  “But you have thousands,” said the Newt God. “You fight for thousands.”  Om rubbed his forehead. I spent too long down there, he thought. I can't stop thinking at ground level. “I think,” he said, “I think, if you want thousands, you have to fight for one.” He tapped the Solar God on the shoulder. “Hey, sunshine?” When the God looked around, Om broke the cornucopia over his head.

Are all just from Small Gods, and like, boy is that my kinda good shit. Love history and sociology and anthropology. 

I love people fighting to do something they know is doomed to fail just because they know it’s the right thing. I also die for characters who are loyal undyingly, and characters admitting they were wrong and trying to do better, and that trope where someone says something but the exact opposite is happening in the background or happens immediately after. Love that trope where someone should be dead but they just. keep. getting. back. up. to defend someone they love. Love the trope where character A dies and character B takes something of theirs like a bracelet or a necklace or a headband or something and wears it forever after. : (((    

I know there’s a ton more but ima swap to dynamics. 

Let’s see. I adore familial relationships so much? Blood family, adopted, doesn’t matter, it’s exactly the same. I am huge on one character becoming team mom or dad or parent, or adopting some of the others. I love parent-kid relationships, even with adults and older adults, because it’s just as important. I adore small children being cared for by gruff war-hardened people, or selfish dicks who have to be better for the kid, or kind people who always wanted a kid and lost their own or never had one, or who are happy to add one more, or big sisters Clemtine style stepping into parenthood. Live for that, and I seek out video games that let me play it. Very excited to be trying out Plague’s Tale Innocence, because you play as a big sis taking care of your little brother (he’s like 6? 5-8? I’m not sure). But it’s such a neat idea for a sibling dynamic to explore, because while they’re siblings and know each other’s name and have like, a familial bond, it’s also all kind of awkward and new, because he’s been sick for years and in quarantine with just their mom, so even though they’re siblings and love each other and like, baby brother trusts you, they don’t really know each other at all, and that is just fascinating and so cool to explore to me! I also love someone adopting someone else as their new sibling(s) and dragging them into the family. I love siblings where one starts to go evil or mess up, and the other sibling fights with everything they have to save them/bring them back/help them become good again, because it breaks my heart and sibling relationships are /so/ important to me.

I also love shit like Jeff in dbd, where one character adopts younger characters who just /super/ don’t deserve it, because as much as they’ve fucked up, they love them anyway, they just do, and they want to be there to give them support and a chance to keep trying if they’ll take it. And like, I love all of Legion’s relationships with him, but especially Joey, because it’s /so/ sweet, and Joey is just a scared kid hurting and alone and he wants /so bad/ just to be loved and thought well of and okay, but he’s terrified of getting hurt or killed, and confused, and guilty and afraid of what will happen because of all the bad shit he did, and Jeff is just so warm and forgiving and full of nothing but unconditional love and kindness, and in the sincerest of ways, and they’re such good friends, which is like, not optional to a good parent-child relationship. Or way older brother filling in for parent-kid, there’s a lot of overlap. Anyway! Also just cute shit where someone falls in love with the idea of getting to look out for and stay close to someone younger they want to protect and parent, and there’s this kind of hopeful and almost fragile unsureness that the other person will want or need them in that capacity, like Ace adopting Nea, and not just picking looking out for someone who needs it over former life of thrill, but like, never regretting that choice, and just being truly happy and fulfilled in the adventure they now are on.

For friendships, god. I like so much shit, I don’t know what to say. I am so sorry I am giving you a novel for an answer to this short ask, rip. But I just love all kinds! I like groups with an established rhetoric between them, who are just so comfortable in each others’ presence, and people you know love and value each other so much they’re going to be together forever just as much as the two other characters getting married. I love one is a nice person, and the other is an asshole, but they make an amazing team and balance each other out, and the asshole stops the kind one from dying doing shit for other people, and the kind one helps the asshole be just a little more in love with their friends and things other than themself, and they’re great together. I love idiot friends who riff off each other and do bits all the time, and ones who turn into the “Holy shit there’s two of them” whenever they hang out, and ones who are just so on the same wavelength they’re totally comfortable in silence together and seek it out and would die for the other. I like wingman to person who is dying of embarrassment dynamic, and hardcore fighty person protecting either small and easily hurt person, or just as great, protecting dedicatedly person who is ironically either just as tough as them or even more, but it’s still really sweet and kind of double soft and sweet because tough friend never gets cared for.

God, what don’t I like? ...People being toxic assholes together?

I like super opposites that mesh well, but look hilarious next to each other, and goofy best friends who shamelessly sing loud to the most embarrassing karaoke track they could find. Lesbian and himbo is pretty great. As is the opposite, gay dude and stupid amazing slut or bimbo. (Fkn Mateo and Cheyanne kill me). Sweetest person you will ever know surrounded by 20 people who would die for them. Person who thinks they’re unlovable and takes a long time to notice like all their friends already love them, and then they get to be happy. Person who has never once had a good relationship is dragged into a healthy friendship and /super/ suspicious at every turn because they just aren’t used to being loved and treated well, but eventually softens and probably straight up breaks down at some point.

Person who was formerly bad or did something super fucked up is forgiven and welcomed into a group which they can barely even understand, and they are full of guilt but their loved ones reassure them and help them heal and just accept them and support them. Friends who are super mean to other friend but like, in a loving way, and would also take a bullet for the friend.

Uhhh, for romances, my fave is characters who just fucking love each other. I am real tired of relationship drama. Like pining and issues and star crossed lovers are all great (I think of those, star-crossed lovers is my fave), but I mean like, the shit where people keep having misunderstandings or not talking or cheating on each other just so there can be drama--that I am sick of. I love it when person A does something super badass and probably a little unexpected and person B is like “That’s my wife!!!” or just goes : O with love in their eyes, and this happens constantly.  I love gushy mushy sweet displays of affection. I love relationships where the people who are dating were best friends first and still are after, all the way, and tease and rib and are so in love.

I like it when one person thinks they don’t deserve the other, but clearly their partner feels none of this and is always just like “Babe...” and hugs them and is just as in love, and helps them begin to love themself more. 

Uhhhh, I like it when there’s someone who doesn’t think they’re in love and there’s that trope where they suddenly get it and you get the Oh or the Wait in italics as it drops internally. I like ships where the characters balance each other out well or provide good support and get better together than they were apart, triple points if they’re super aware of that and comment on it. Also whatever the fuck Maureen Robinson and John Robinson in the Lost in Space reboot have going on. That’s like, goals. She’s chaotic evil living lawful good by sheer force of will, and he’s a himbo too in love to realize any of that and never questions what she thinks they should do beyond the physical logistics of it and would die for her and not think twice about it or the fact that she moves really fast to the pragmatic “Okay,”--not because she doesn’t love him, she does--but because someone does need to be alive for their kids and she’s just wired too practical for him to have to pry her off sobbing to not stay and die with him. (This happens verbatim in like episode 6, but it’s not a mega spoiler bc he doesn’t actually die--he just almost does. She figures out a way to save them both right before committing to it.)

I also like “two fools both in love but really nervous about asking the other if they are because of their past, or situation, or because this is the first time or first time with that kind of relationship, so there’s just intense romantic tension all the time where they pause mid-sentence to just stare into eachothers’ eyes and forget what they were saying, but they’re both too ineffective to just fucking go “Do you like me?” for such a long time. Hurt/comfort paired with pining. Uhhh, but Star Crossed Lovers is up there for sure. I love the pain of two people wanting to be together but it’s just /impossible/ and they know it but that doesn’t make the feelings go away, and it’s miserable, and maybe they’re upset, because they shouldn’t feel this way, but they can’t not, and it’s confused, and it hurts, but they’re also so /happy/ when they see each other. I like that good shit in any romance where the characters can just look at each other and they know, and you know. That’s the choice shit, I tell you that.

Jeeze I’m sure I missed stuff but this is already so long. Uhhh, I like so much I don’t really know how to answer. But my favorite like, vibe/....flavor genre? Is Hope Punk. Uhhh, and mostly I dig any relationships that end up healthy and sweet. I really like second-chances, and characters confronting and moving on past their bad or complicated pasts, or trauma, and healing. Hurt comfort is love, and so is angst with a happy ending. I like a good villain or a wonderful asshole, but I feel like characters that are just good and doing their best really get overlooked and undervalued a lot, and I am here for them. Like Sam Gamgee? One of the /best/ characters in LOTR. So is Bob Newby--and I do get the irony in them both being played by Sean Astin. But uh, anyway, I really like to explore how decent people try to act when confronted with terrible situations and choices, because I really value people who stayed sweet and kind and merciful and full of love even after all the awful shit life has put them through, and I really like writing about how /hard/ that is, and what it looks like, along with the other stuff. I also like characters who are very flawed and very medium being given something to lose and something to gain that go in opposite directions, and being forced to confront their reality and make hard choices. I like people being given intense opportunities to grow or to rot, and seeing which they’ll chose and why and if they’ll make it to the end. Mostly I just really love characters who try, even if they fail, because that can be a lot harder to do than it seems. I like dynamics where one character is very flawed, or in a bad place, but they love someone they think is amazing, and so they’re working hard to catch up to them, or to get close enough they can reach out and hold their hand, and are fighting to make it to a person themselves who can do that someday. I’m sure I forgot a lot and that this was super rambly, but I hope you at least enjoyed some of it! Thanks for asking! ^u^

[sapphicautistic]

dont rb but idk why u would

My sisters' situations are so fucked you guys.  Sister R is living in a van belonging to her abuser, except last night she spent $110ish from her donation post to get two nights at a cheap hotel because sleeping in a van with a cat and your sister in midwinter northern Michigan is too much sometimes.

And I hate that I wish she hadn't done that, because she still needs to raise over $1000 to get the camper that is the only plan she thinks is workable, and I don't think the donation posts I'm making are going to get much more traction. 

She's actively being stalked by two different abusers and fighting to get full custody of her 4yo from one of them. She's not gonna get it, but she refuses to try to get an apartment in michigan (we can't find one anyway tho) because she believes she will and she'll be able to take that camper to where our other sister lives. 

But at least she has a gfm going and she might be able to get her shit solved.

My current project is figuring out how to save my sister M who is homeless too and in desperate need of surgery, part of her small intestine is dead and she has endo which is making tissue grow between her organs and is adhering her ureter to her spine. She's in constant agony especially when moving and/or not lying down. She's lost at least half her body weight because she can't keep food down and she's nauseated constantly. 

She quit her job in the fall because she just literally couldn't do it anymore and she asked me for help today with her unemployment appeal and I had to break the news to her that in south dakota, you can't get medical unemployment without a doctor signing off FIRST. She kind of quit in a panic over her pain and didn't really plan well. So no money can come from there.  

Anyway her fucking surgeon from her last surgery told us immediately after the surgery that she wasn't able to remove the tissue between M's spine and ureter because she's not a urologist - BUT SHE FUCKING LEFT THAT OUT OF THE NOTES, presumably to look good, and only mentioned in the notes for the followup visit that "M says she was told there was still tissue connected to her ureter" and I'm like Bitch!!! you told her!!! I was there!!! 

So her disability appeal is going to be hard to pull together because the doctors she's been seeing including her gp do not say much of anything in their notes, her GP fucking says "she can work with flexible time off for endo flares" which is insane, she literally cries getting into the car because the pain is so horrific, a "flare" can only be solved with SURGERY which is turning out to be a bitch to get - she gave up on the good kind & has been trying for a year to get just the basic ablation and kept being put off bc covid.

Mayo clinic is supposed to call on Tuesday and tell her if they'll take her, but there are lots of problems including - M is on Michigan medicaid (which they do take) because she was homeless in michigan for the last couple months BUT if she stays in sd where she currently is she'll lose her Mich medicaid. And she can't get on SD medicaid because she has no income or children. AND she can't stay where she is anyway because she has a trauma history with the person she's staying with and she’s literally actively being retraumatised. 

She can't get back to Michigan though because the car ride from Mich to SD nearly killed her and she has to return her car anyway because she can't make payments on it. 

Meanwhile I'm in California and have a one bedroom apartment with someone very allergic to the cat M has had for her entire life (he's a v old cat) and M probably couldn't do that long plane trip anyway even if we had $ for it which we don't. 

I really wish our mother were still alive, I just have no idea what to do. M is unlikely to get on disability because her doctors fucking suck. She has no income - and no insurance unless she goes back to Mich.

Mayo clinic better fucking take her because it's been so long since her last surgery that the next one will be extremely complex and I don't trust anyone else to do it - plus they do excision which slows regrowth better than ablation. 

But yeah I have no idea what to fucking do. I almost want her to come here and leave her cat with a sister, but she's literally suicidal and losing her one constant source of comfort might actually kill her. Not to mention the logistical problems.

I keep thinking about how literally all of this would be solvable if even one of us were middle class. Or if this country had just basic functional medical care. Jesus fucking Christ I hate capitalism.

[trickstarbrave]

I know ppl wanna dunk on communes and like I get it I hate the almost certainly white idea that we’re going to move away into a perfect self sustaining village and never have to work a day in our lives and be free from oppression and be artistically liberated and I need you to know that’s not what I’m abt to talk abt. What I’m going to talk abt is a hypothetical wish fulfillment fantasy I’m hyperfixating on

I know I’m never gonna like own a house likely. Like have you see me??? Have you seen the housing market??? Even if I get approved my children would end up working off the mortgage after I’m dead with the way the economy is going (unless we destroy capitalism entirely in which case disregard all of this post). But I hate the idea that I’ll just be renting indefinitely, because most of the time you are renting you can’t do SHIT. You can’t do anything cool. You have to ask your shitty landlord if you can paint the walls and they’ll say no so you put up stick on wallpaper and hang painting that u have to carefully remove abs patch up w absolutely 0 damage or visible marks at all by the time you move out. Hate your kitchen backsplash? Too bad. Hate your cabinets? Get used to them. Tub sucks? Your landlord won’t replace that piece of shit you can barely fit in until they have to. Wanna get different flooring or paint the walls? NO. You’re stuck with it because it isn’t yours to do with as you please, it’s just a box you put your stuff in, so suck it up or move somewhere else you’ll be unhappy

I hate it. And the solution was: friends and I pool our resources to own land as a group (there are legal ways to do it but u will have to pay up front a cash most likely). It is in a space that suits us. We devise exit plans. Next we move on to phase 2: buy manufactured homes, rvs, third wheels, extra large sheds we convert into houses, whatever we can. Maybe some ppl start w a third wheel rv and a tent until they can save up, maybe some ppl wanna convert a shed into a cottage. We get the permits and bc the structures our technically our property on the land (yknow like how trailer parks you can own the house but u pay land rent to the landlord) we can get approved for our own loans on them (at higher interest but still cheaper than a whole house) rather than the hell that is trying to group buy an entire fucking house together. It’s our land so we can have a little community garden or whatever if we want, or a cool fire pit, maybe a movie projector, who cares. They are our things we can rennovate if we want to. I can see my friends casually bc we’re now kinda sorta neighbors. We also get our own privacy bc we wouldn’t be in the same building necessarily, we would be in our own places.

If someone wants out they can follow their exit plan, we buy the shares of the property, and the structure can be removed or moved (for a lotta money for the manufactured homes and sheds sometimes good lord), it even rented out for relatively cheap in as ethical way as we can rather than for profits if needed.

There are many problems with this I know get in the way of it w me like 1. I’m still broke 2. My friends may have jobs on the other side of town or smth 3. My friends are also broke as hell 4. I’m sure getting the sewer lines and electric would be hell for this tho we could also do solar and 5. I’m disabled so living out on a piece of land w my friends and gardening and shit isn’t necessarily going to be smth I can do easily or the best fit for me it may be hell and repairs and renovations will suck

But what makes me the most mad is this is a very shitty, basic ass fantasy. “I could live in an rv on a piece of land near my friends” shouldn’t be a cute, unrealistic fantasy. If I went back several decades and told ppl I can’t even afford a house and I’m pining over shed conversion into a living space rather than the full house ave white picket fence and family sustained on one person’s income I think they would assume I’m from a dystopian future. Because I am. Bc I think living like that in a space of an apartment but I own all the fucking walls and I can paint them and the cabinets and get a nice tub and put up a greenhouse or garden and just be able to own the space is unattainable entirely. Like. Unless there are big changes on a societal level I don’t think I could even do this. Just owning my living space in a capitalistic hellscape is becoming impossible and it Sucks

[why-this-kolaveri-machi]

what more can you do?

WOO! this week’s episode was sad and weird and badly paced and startlingly, unevenly mature in true titans fashion. i loved it (with reservations)! let’s talk about it in excruciating detail:

SPOILERS ahead.

1. i can’t say that i’m awfully thrilled about the show following up on a character’s literal suicide attempt by... not addressing said suicide attempt at all. maybe it’s the awkward way an entire episode’s worth of flashback was shoehorned in between the end of 2.07--where dick literally talked jason off the ledge while in the throes of a psychotic break of his own--and the beginning of this one, but it’s honestly not just bad storytelling, but irresponsible storytelling. 

1.5. in a general sense, tho, the tableau at the beginning of the episode is so egregiously unfair--so shockingly, plainly one-sided, with a slump shouldered dick facing the world, only kory on his side, that it’s quite apparent that it’s the lowest these heroes can go. and i do think their individual reactions to dick’s confession provide an interesting insight into their characters. hank and dawn have been operating alone for so long, each a reminder of their traumas and losses and very human frailty to the other, without even the resources that dick and the batman enjoy. it’s been them v the world for so goddamn long; is it any wonder that they were looking for the first excuse to bail out of there, to not Deal with the idea that what they were doing to deal with their traumas and guilt was clearly not working, and dick was--and has been always--so willing to be the scapegoat? hank punching dick was utterly unwarranted--but i can accept that as part of the unaddressed emotional outbursts arising out of years of accumulated head injuries from both college football and vigilantism. (this isn’t to excuse what he did but to contextualise it within hank’s history and personality.) their instinct when facing ugly truths is to retreat to what they think is familiar and what they need--except, as hank realises later in the episode, that’s exactly what’s fucking them up further.

rose is understandably upset at being lied to about her brother’s death and the titans being complicit in the same--but i’m curious that her reaction was to merely leave and not try and fight them. maybe after being defeated by dick while sparring and nearly being killed by rachel she was sensible enough to realise that she couldn’t take them on all at once? i don’t know--she’s curiously been a bit of a cipher this season. jason leaving with her made sense tho--unburdened of the weight of being the team’s scapegoat, understandably miffed at dick for keeping a secret that nearly cost him his life and left him with a great deal of trauma, just Angry at the world in general, he gravitates towards rose, the only other outsider/rebel who tried to reach out to him when everybody else shunned him or looked at him like an impostor. i think the decision was more impulsive than anything--they still look confused and uncertain in the taxi as they leave the tower behind. but--i don’t know. theirs is the storyline that i’m the most perplexed about. we just don’t have a lot of information about either of them, rose especially. 

(a part of me still thinks she’s slade’s mole in the tower. but why would she leave if she is? to keep up appearances bc to react in any other way to the news of her brother’s death would be suspicious? maybe she left because her job is done and the titans were splitting up? maybe she was part of the long game to seduce jason over to slade’s side--seeking revenge for dick swaying jericho over to the titans’? am i going to stop asking myself questions in this post? am i ever going to write a review that’s not just stream-of-consciousness nonsense? only time will tell.)

DONNA. oh, donna. her decision to leave seems to me a logical continuation of her s2 arc that i’d talked about in a previous review--paranoid, insecure, retraumatised, and taking out her frustrations on jason and dick. it’s also very interesting to me that she complained to rachel about dick treating them like “soldiers” and only told them things that he deemed that they “need[ed] to know.”  it was because of jillian and whatever mysterious business that themyscira was conducting in sf that she and garth and slade ever landed up in that airport at all; even worse, jillian deemed it was something that donna didn’t need to know until it was too late. donna lost so much in that fiasco--the man she loved, her friends, several members of her amazon family, and her sense of purpose, her belief in her strength and her destiny and her faith that other people trusted her as a warrior and as a leader. she’s projecting all that pain onto dick--who again, doesn’t deserve all this shit but takes it anyway because of his own issues.

1.8. and, like. as much as jericho’s death became the Traumatic Event that overshadowed almost everything else in dick’s life for the last five years and helps explain a lot of his hang-ups right from s1, it just doesn’t have the same significance for the others. don’t get me wrong--i’m sure hank, donna and dawn are devastated and guilty about the part that they had to play in manipulating jericho and his eventual death. but their issues with each other, with the titans tower and with their past run deeper and in different directions, and i think all of that came into play when they each decided to go their separate ways.

1.95. idek what the fuck is going on with rachel. i felt every ounce of dick’s heartbreak and devastation when she got up to leave with donna. for all that she saved dick in the first episode of this season, she still hasn’t reached the point where she’s willing to unburden her emotions and issues on him. it must be frustrating and sad for her to realise just how much dick didn’t trust her either. but there’s something else going on as well: maybe she’s realised she has no real control over her re-emerging powers, and, carrying on with the fatalistic attitude she had at the end of 2.05, she wants to spare the titans the chaos and darkness that she carries around with her. (she’s used to running away at this point, after all.) she goes with donna bc donna knows her the least: it would therefore be easy to fool her and escape. 

2. more faddei! and kory backstory! \o/ 

it’s curious that they never once bring up trigon, because s1 gave the impression that she’d come to earth with a specific mission to seek his portal out and destroy it before he could, y’know, Fuck The Universe Up. faddei makes it sound like kory just went on this fun little sabbatical before taking up royal duties, which kiiinda undercuts a lot of what was cool about her s1 arc. i realise you aren’t entirely happy with your freshman season, titans, and s2 looks like it might be a soft reboot, but you don’t have to mutilate it like this!

but seriously. the stakes just got upped exponentially for kory, and it would be really interesting to see where she goes from here. apart from a promise to rachel, she doesn’t really owe the rest of the titans anything--not that i think she views relationships in such transactional terms, of course. on the other hand, abandoning her responsibilities on tamaran has led to its takeover by an unfit leader and the deaths of several of her family and friends. the choice shouldn’t be a choice at all. she should go back home. and yet--she waited too long, and the choice has been taken away from her. faddei is dead, both of their ships are destroyed, and she is stuck on earth, grieving and frustrated and furious. kory is usually very clear headed about exactly where she stands emotionally, but after such a big event, she must be feeling so much pain, guilt, sorrow, anger, even resentment. it’s so easy to look at kory’s level-headedness and open, empathetic personality and use her to prop up other characters, but i hope that this isn’t always the case, and that she’ll be allowed to really work through these emotions while somebody else looks out for her. 

2.35. (the little snippets of faddei and kory just enjoying the shit out of the Little Things that humanity has to offer is just... it filled me with so much warmth. i wouldn’t mind an entire episode of them just chilling and exploring and annoying each other with badly-applied out-of-context pop culture references)

2.5. blackfire! i don’t know much about comics!blackfire beyond “she was starfire’s sister, Evil, and possibly sold her sister into slavery??? yikes” so i’m just going purely off what the show has revealed about her so far. it was honestly disconcerting to see so many references to her possible disability (?) and to see both that and the efforts to accommodate her spoken about in... i want to say mocking way? i don’t know. i just saw a murder mystery/thriller movie today where the serial killer was revealed to have been both disabled from birth and mentally ill, and maybe i’m just feeling extra sensitive to the truly disturbing and pervasive trope of having disabled characters be Evil--and tying their Evil to their disability. 

2.8. anyhow, blackfire appears to have accumulated a fair bit of power in the time that kory’s been gone: not only can she remotely possess other tamaraneans but she can blow up their ships too. (and didn’t faddei say that she had goons on the ground, looking for starfire?)

2.9. it’s a Lot to deal with this late in the season. maybe kory will leave for tamaran to deal with blackfire once and for all at the end of the season. and if titans ends up cancelled, wouldn’t that be a bittersweet ending.

(wherein ‘bittersweet’ translates to ‘devastating’ ofc)

3. oh where do i even start with dick

his worst fears came true. after his confession, not only did his old friends up and leave, but so did rachel and jason, which he found more heartbreaking than anything else. utterly consumed by guilt and convinced more than ever before of his culpability, he actively seeks out ways to self-flagellate, first by going to adeline to apologise, then by banishing himself, then by making sure he is punished (tho i have my doubts on that last one; will elaborate a little later). after watching him have an extended psychotic break and dash into not one but two suicide missions, watching dick grayson do this to himself feels like watching an extended feature on human suffering. it’s not fun, or pretty, and i can feel it reaching its nadir so that dick can bounce back up again, but i hope it happens soon.

(dick’s natural tendency to internalise guilt and responsibility into a hard little diamond core at his centre and his long training with batman with all the emphasis on secrets and subterfuge with a healthy underpinning of paranoia ironically means that he does so much goddamn emotional labour for this team. he’s the glue that keeps them together, that gives them purpose. he’s trying so hard to do good by everybody that he isn’t really able to achieve it with any of them, which leads to another self-flagellating spiral and him determining to try harder and the cycle just keeps going on. only kory seems to have ever broken this cycle, because she’s never demanded anything of him, nor he of her. it’s really sad to think how bereft dick feels right now, and more than that, how it’s stopping him from being there for the people who really do need him and trust him, like gar and rachel.)

3.25. adeline makes a very good point about how merely apologising doesn’t mean you’re owed forgiveness, and that seeking it out after all these years is a self-serving exercise in itself. but i can see dick taking it hard, especially after discovering that she’s letting slade--the man who actually killed her son--recuperate at her home. (and let’s be clear: however good her intentions, she participated in lying to her child about the truth of what his father actually does. wow, jericho was really just fucked over by pretty much every one he loved, wasn’t he?)

but i am glad to see dick isn’t so far gone that he takes the blame for jericho’s death in front of slade. he’s very aware that slade has permanently broken the team and very aware of the threat slade poses if they ever try to get back together again, but he’s not going to completely surrender every last shred of his self-worth and dignity to this man, and that was refreshing to see.

3.5. so he banishes himself to the farthest place he can think of with nothing more than the shirt on his back and a single duffel bag. it’s so over-the-top yet so... dick grayson.

3.8. BUT WAIT! ~PLOT TWIST~

ok so here’s what’s happening, all right? strap in:

a) jericho is one hundred percent inside slade. i have no doubts about this. adeline knows this too. it’s why she was so even-keeled while talking to dick, why she confidently said that jericho loved dick, and why she said “they” might be willing to forgive him. i’m thinking when slade crawled back home, jericho took advantage of his father’s momentary weakness to tell what was happening to his mother. 

b) jericho tried to communicate to dick. i saw something somewhere which said that slade had gestured something very specific in asl while conversing with dick? i’m willing to believe that was intentional.

c) when dick was turning to leave and slade called him one last time and gave his “banishment sentence” jericho likely jumped bodies from slade to dick

d) so why did dick get himself arrested at the airport?

- dick was going through, as others have speculated, a dissociative episode. given how he’s exhibited signs of mental illness throughout this season this isn’t that far out of the realm of possibility, but it’s a weak and redundant narrative bridge and wasn’t shot in a way that suggested that it was a mental break. so i’m ruling this out.

- jericho took over. maybe he felt that this was the only way he could force dick to stay in sf. maybe some of his father’s anger/resentment leeched into him and he wanted to dick to experience some actual punishment instead of scarpering again. maybe he was overwhelmed by dick’s own self-flagellating tendencies and chose the shortest route to maximum pain. maybe it’s a combination of all three.

- dick finally got his brain into gear and realised at the last minute that jericho had possessed slade and was trying to tell him something. why he then proceeded to get himself arrested instead of running out of the airport is a mystery.

personally, i’m leaning towards the ‘jericho possessed dick’ possibility.

4. gar is such a sweetheart and i am so glad that he took centrestage this episode, even though, like always, it was to support another character and ended up with him crying and begging for help from an unresponsive dick. *sighs*

4.5. much like dick himself, he’s trying to do good by everybody, only to end up badly misjudging a situation, and all alone. 

5. oof. this has gone on for far too long and i am Tired. more thoughts to come later, because right now my brain is as disorganised as... as disorganised as a titans episode. hah! self-burn!!!

[golgoterror]

actually no i’m gonna vent real quick bc this sucks. all of it sucks. i’ll probs delete this later but fuck it.

for those of you who don’t know, i just graduated university in physics and math. the next logical step for me would be to get a job. which i cannot do because of the pandemic. well, i do have a job. i work as a butcher, mostly in seafood. that’s not related to physics at all, which is disheartening. i can’t seem to get a job in physics because the job market is so horrible. which is not fun. i need insurance mostly. and like, decent pay would be nice, but mostly the former, because i have a lot of medical issues. because i’m in canada, a good deal is free if you don’t have insurance and are under 25, but not things like dental or vision care. not that i really need either of those right now (i just got new glasses today, given i’m still covered until sept 1st, and my teeth are fine, relatively speaking. minus the fact i should have had braces but we were poor, so they’re a bit misshapen, and my incisors are pegged, but my wisdom teeth aren’t growing in most likely and i’m not in any pain so whatever. one day i plan to fix my teeth tho.) but i’d rather have access to those things just in case? i think that would be good.

this isn’t to say i’m struggling financially. my mother’s lawsuit for damages after she was in a car accident that left her permanently disabled when i was sixteen came to a close right before the pandemic closed the country, and i got a good deal of money, which i am so fucking thankful for, my god. i can afford therapy. i have the money in case i need emergency medical attention. not to mention, i do have a job, it’s just temporary and not in the field i spent four years studying for. 

i don’t know how to segue so let’s talk about my mom. in june, she sent me a barrage of messages, wherein she called me a “selfish, spoiled little bitch” and “the biggest disappointment in her life”. she forwarded me a message where her therapist calls me cruel and the pair were both transphobic towards me, using she/her pronouns and calling me her “daughter”. (i am genderfluid and am currently aligned as a demiboy.) she said other crap too, but i’m not going to dig it up to get specifics. i’d rather not read it again. she finished it off by saying if she killed herself, it would be my fault. all because i’m too scared to call her regularly because she treats me this way. 

she then sent me a good-bye message. in a panic, since she has no friends and my family want nothing to do with her (understandably so; she treats them the way she treats me), i called the cops. she was fine. 

she then messaged my friend, hoping to pass on a message that i had to call her that day or i’m dead to her. my friend said to not contact her again, and my mom deleted the facebook she made under a fake name to send it. i didn’t call her. she then accused me of using her for the money i got from the lawsuit and demanded i give it to her, but then changed her mind shortly after. after gaslighting me a few times, of course.

i’m shaking as a type this. the level of abuse i faced at her hands makes me sick. i’m sick of being depressed because of it. i’m sick of being unable to make friends easily because of it. i’m sick of being scared of people because of it. i’m mad at relatives and teachers for seeing the abuse and doing fuck all about it. i’m mad that someone let her raise a kid. i’m mad my parents even got together in the first place. and the sad part is, i idolized her. my dad wasn’t around, so i sort of viewed her as a strong single parent doing her best. my autism made me feel she had to be a bit harsher than most parents towards me. now i know better. 

this is all to say i finally had enough and blocked her. she cannot contact me anymore. i doubt she has tried to. i’m dead to her and she is effectively dead to me. which i probably should have done years ago, but better late than never. 

both of these things have made me so depressed. when i’m not working, i’m looking for jobs or contemplating grad school, or just lying in bed thinking about how much life sucks. 

the political climate sucks. i know i’m canadian and not american but we have similar issues up here. i’ve heard horror stories of police brutality against my relatives. for those who don’t know, my father is russian (crimean specifically) and my mother is indigenous canadian (mi’kmaq). i hate the police. i’ve always hated them, especially since i witnessed something and was treated like garbage during the legal process by them. i regret calling them when my mom threatened suicide. but there was nothing else to do. the fact they’re my only resort is terrible. the police treat natives like garbage and i’m sure it’s similar in the US. and the stories and videos that i see online and all the racism is just heartbreaking. opening the news is heartbreaking. and i feel like i can’t really do much to help. 

it feels like the world is ending. i feel so hopeless! (ironic given who i rp.) it doesn’t seem like things are going to get better, both in the world and in my personal life. i was so excited for this year. i was going to graduate and get a job, y’know. get my own place. have a small garden where i grow cucumbers and peppers. maybe get a pet dog. and then this happened. and i feel a bit selfish complaining about it, because i know we had to do this to keep everyone safe, but i can’t help but feel robbed. this was the year my life was going to start. i was going to be happy. all i’ve gotten is a job as a butcher and my mother abandoning me. i volunteer at a homeless shelter too, so i guess i have that going for me as well. 

i just hope 2021 is kinder. i almost want to fast-forward to it. wake up tomorrow five years in the future when i have all my shit sorted out. 

[omniheim]

GET TO KNOW THE BLOGGER.

can be used for RP  &&  non-RP blogs to get to know a bit about the person behind the screen  !

1. FIRST NAME  :  ashe  .

2. STRANGE FACT ABOUT YOURSELF  :  i  was  born  with  a  weird  disability  called  septo  -  optic  dysplasia  !    i’m  visually  impaired  with  low  vision  &  no  peripheral  sight  as  well  as  no  sense  of  smell  .

3. TOP THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU FIND ATTRACTIVE ON A PERSON  :  bc  of  my  bad  vision  i  don’t  rly  pay  much  attention  to  physical  attributes  ,    but  if  i  had  to  choose  :    hairstyle  /  colour  ,    height  ,    and  ...    idk  what  else  SDFGSYUDF  ,    face  shape  maybe  ?

4. A FOOD YOU COULD EAT FOREVER AND NOT GET BORED OF  :  teriyaki  chicken  donburi  !

5. A FOOD YOU HATE  :  mushrooms  ,    which  sucks  bc  i  used  to  like  em  but  my  ma  gave  me  buttered  mushrooms  once  and  just  the  thought  makes  me  gag  SDYFUGSUYDF  .

6. GUILTY PLEASURE  :  i  guess  some  franchises  that’re  looked  down  upon  ?    like  esp  mlp  ,    i  feel  like  everyone  will  assume  i’m  a  creep  for  watching  it  bc  i’m  a  guy  so  i  don’t  like  to  mention  it  much  but  i  just  think  it’s  cute  and  the  art  style  is  amazing  .

7. WHAT DO YOU SLEEP IN  :  ok  so  i  shit  u  not  i  have  a  sleeping  bag  on  top  of  my  bed  .    i  have  a  single  size  bed  and  i  move  around  so  much  in  my  sleep  that  the  sheets  always  ended  up  on  the  floor  so  eventually  i  just  went  fuck  it  and  used  a  sleeping  bag  .    i  plan  on  stopping  when  i  get  a  bigger  sized  bed  bc  the  sheets  will  actually  fuckin  fit  .

8. SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS OR FLINGS  :  i’d  like  to  say  both  but  i  don’t  think  i  have  the  heart  for  flings  ,    i  would  love  to  be  more  free  with  exploring  tho  bc  my  sexuality  is  still  a  big  question  mark  .

9. IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN THE PAST AND CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOUR LIFE  ,  WOULD YOU AND WHAT WOULD IT BE  :  to  stop  being  so  dependent  on  my  mother  due  to  my  lack  of  eyesight  ,    learning  independence  is  tough  after  being  overprotected  and  i  feel  like  i’m  behind  as  an  adult  as  a  whole  .

10. ARE YOU AN AFFECTIONATE PERSON  :  yes  !    but  i’m  also  very  bad  at  keeping  in  touch  LMAO  .

11. A MOVIE YOU COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN  :  final  fantasy  vii  advent  children  ,    dragon  ball  z  battle  of  gods  ,    disney’s  moana  .

12. FAVORITE BOOK  :  i  don’t  rly  read  but  i  wanna  pick  up  the  harry  potter  series  one  day  !

13. YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO KEEP ANY ANIMAL AS A PET, WHAT DO YOU CHOOSE  :  an  alpaca  bc  they’re  my  favourite  but  i  also  rly  want  a  dog  !

14. TOP FIVE FICTIONAL SHIPS   (  IF YOU ARE AN RP BLOG  ,  YOU CAN USE YOUR OWN SHIPS AS WELL  )  :  cloud  /  zack  is  my  favourite  ship  Ever  even  outside  of  this  blog  ,    but  to  stay  on  the  cloud  train  ... cloud  /  aerith  is  probably  my  second  biggest  ship love  the  idea  of  cloud  /  barret  being  a  very  very  slow  burn  ,    just  two  dads  holdin  hands i  will  admit  cloud  /  reno  also  sounds  fun  to  explore i’m  kh  trash  and  could  literally  ship  him  with  any  of  the  kh  main  groups  adults  if  u  allowed  me  to i  feel  like  this  is  an  extremely  unpopular  opinion  but  i  like  exploring  ideas  of  a  toxic  cloud  /  sephiroth  ship  bc  rly  how  can  i  say  no  to  pure  unfiltered  Pain  with  the  manipulation  and  the    ‘  good  boy  ’    calling  and  the  whole    ‘  on  your  knees  ,    i  want  you  to  beg  for  forgiveness  ’    line  was  Too  Much  Fuel  to  the  problematic  fire  .

15. PIE OR CAKE  :  cake  but  i’m  picky  .

16. FAVORITE SCENT  :  can’t  smell  !    but  i  think  i  would  enjoy  citrus  .

17. CELEBRITY CRUSH  :  um  cloud  strife  ?    that  counts  right  ?

18. IF YOU COULD TRAVEL ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD YOU GO  :  japan  or  america  .

19. INTROVERT OR EXTROVERT  :  introvert  due  to  my  own  anxiety  but  i  feel  like  i’m  an  extrovert  at  heart  .

20. DO YOU SCARE EASILY  :  ooohh  yeah  .

21. IPHONE OR ANDROID  :  both  for  different  reasons  .

22. DO YOU PLAY ANY VIDEO GAMES  :  what  the  fuck  is  a  video  game    (  yes  .    yes  i  do  .    the  wait  for  animal  crossing  and  7r  is  killing  me  slowly  )

23. DREAM JOB  :  working  for  nintendo  or  square  enix  as  a  character  designer  or  writer  !

24. WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH A MILLION DOLLARS  :  help  my  parents  move  into  homes  of  their  own  then  move  country  and  get  myself  comfortable  ,    likely  blow  a  shit  ton  on  games  and  merch  bc  i’m  terrible  with  money  ,    try  to  set  up  an  online  merch  store  since  i  could  afford  packing  and  shipping  .

25. FICTIONAL CHARACTER YOU HATE  :  hate  is  a  strong  word  ,    there’s  probably  someone  but  idk  who  off  the  top  of  my  head  .    as  far  as  ffvii  goes  hojo  can  eat  a  dick  .

26. FANDOM THAT YOU WERE ONCE A PART OF BUT AREN’T ANY LONGER  :  outlast  !    i  miss  it  sometimes  everyone  there  was  amazing  ,    one  day  i  might  rp  waylon  again  .    one  day  .

tagged by  :  @ofnibelheim​  &  @stormdive​  !

tagging  :  @giftedlegacy  /  @hivemined  /  @hercbled  /  @lunaendowment​

[bonkalore]

Alright, I’m gonna be real with you all.... I am broke af rn....

And I need help....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Here’s the short version:

This fund is specifically for Sizecon bc I’ve been going for the past 2 years it’s been active but it’s also a part of my income since it’s the only place I sell stuff at....and I need to start preparing for tickets and such now if I’m planning to go this July 28-29th in NY (tho we’ll likely be staying about a week). 

With the calculated costs of con tickets, plane tickets, hotel room, food & transportation, as well as pet sitting while we’re gone, the total has come up to at least $1,300 needed for the trip.... (some of it was rounded and some I don’t even know for sure so it could end up being more tbh... I wish it wasn’t)    

Our living situation changed in the past year and I've been struggling to make ends meet (esp after our massive vet bills ending in 2 birds passing anyway in Feb)and now have no money I can save for this con at the end of July...

*That's where you guys can help make this hope of mine come true!* (And if I don't make enough for the con, just know all your money will be helping me anyway just to survive!) 

 Any bit helps! ;o;

~*Here’s the funding pool link on my paypal!*~

-And if you want to support but also get something out of it, just a reminder I still have LOTS of prints and merch leftover from last year still as well!-

*Also, if you personally are going to the con yourself and donate $5+ I’ll give you a free print and button of your choice there! ;u; (pls give me your email if you do and relay it to me while there in person so I know who to give the stuff out to!)*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Longer and more painful situation under the cut.....

But tbh, I had been thinking about setting up a donation pool in general with how bad things have been going. I already had patreons and felt hesitant to start one, but with my depression being so bad for so long and unmedicated, I’ve had a hard time keeping up with those and don’t feel I’ve really earned the money till I’ve finished what I owe... And I owe so much now that I can’t even try to take on commissions to make up for it.

I tried getting health insurance a while back to cover behavioral health bc that’s what I needed most to get me to work regularly again... but it turns out all the clinics for that out her suck ass apparently so I’m just wasting all my money and I feel like an idiot and now it’s just another thing to stress over... I feel dumb even admitting/explaining it but $400/mo for health insurance is something I can’t even afford and I need to fix that asap now bc I’m literally running out of money. Not to mention all the vet bills we had back in Feb when Birb’s health declined again and then even the budgie, who we both inevitably had to put down only weeks from each other... I never asked for help then tho I probably should have... We spent over $1k just in that month with trying to help them and then just for paying for euthanization and ashes... Also part of the reason I got so behind on work stuff. I’m still hardly coping (and actually tearing up just writing it out tbh).

Our living situation changed in the past year and I hardly said much online, but it’s just been Zuka and I mostly paying for the house bills since her family went to live in CA in an already furnished house for a year to do a job with someone. They had a good deal and took it, and while I’m glad to finally having the house to ourselves, it’s been hard doing everything and paying on bills more... And I feel horrible I can’t even help support Zuka more and myself bc of my health insurance bill that I couldn’t even use to help solve the real problem: my crippling depression that I’ve been dealing with horrifically already with the past 3 years (technically longer but it’s been so bad to the point where I wish I had disability for it bc I’m not working to make any money and I’ve been living off savings for that long and now I’m running totally dry). I currently have less than $1k in my bank account shared between my checking and savings... I have more in my paypal, but like I said, I don’t even count all of that yet until I finish my work owed in case of needed refunds.... After this next billing coming up in a few days for the end of the month I’m gonna have close to maybe $500 left.... My patreons have helped me survive scraping by just for this long at least but even that isn’t enough right now and things are dire. I’m really feeling fucked rn. Like I said... any bit helps. I could go into it more but honestly it’s just... I don’t wanna bother writing out more pathetic shit about myself and I’m sure nobody wants to bother reading it either and I don’t blame you... I get even more depressed just thinking about it. Everything has just plummeted and I’ve been wanting this year to be better and have been really trying but there’s only so much I can do without the proper care and medication I need.... I feel most of it is my fault and I’m just a useless piece of shit that’s continuing to be a burden but that’s what severe depression does.... It’s been a while since I’ve even wanted to consider suicide, but boy does not existing or being conscious at all sound great...

Please help me if you’re able... I’ve been in a rough spot for a while now... Thanks for bothering reading any of this if you did.

[addyzwacker]

Advice? Help? I really don’t know lol

Ok so idk if anyone actually reads my long paragraphs but I’ve talked about how I’m looking for a job bc I’m done working where I am now in August but I’m also trying to get custody of my baby cousin who is due next month (her moms in prison and all her other siblings are split up two are adopted into other families who let us see them and be in there lives still which is the best I’m so greatful) but me and my mom are on a list for this government housing (she’s on disability and her money is gone literally the moment she gets it and I only get $240 every two weeks) and it’s not available until at least December which is like...so far away and everything is kinda fucked lmfao but I’m going to try and get a job this daycare hopefully I’ll take just about anything lmao ANYWAY we just can’t afford the deposits for anywhere bc it’s so much at once and Idk if there are things that can help us or what but I also wanted to know if it woud be wrong for me to set up a go fund me for us to get a place to get us up and going?? But I also don’t feel right because I know other people need that kind of stuff more but I also want to get the baby I’ve raised three of her siblings from when I was 10 until the first two got taken from her and then her other brother got taken when he was 3mo(some of you might remember me trying to get him but she wanted to do it herself 🙄 I had a great job then too btw) and went to my uncles who I work for watching his daughters to help them financially even tho I’ve like fucked myself lmfao and now he’s with a new family but I know I can do it and I feel like she’s what I need to get my life on track and a better reason to live bc I don’t want to physically have children i want to adopt and foster and like Ive already gotten pretty much everything I need for her but her mom keeps flip flopping until now she says we have to take her so I’m in a rush ANYWAY IM SORRY FOR RAMBLING ok basically I just wanted to know if I would be a shitty person to make a go fund me or whatever or if you have anything that can help information wise or what ���💗💗💗💗

[sweetandsavageautistic]

Autistic People are so pure/adorable/innocent/naive: Part 4: Twitter:

“Autistic people are magical. #thingsilearnedfromTouch”

“Oh my god I love people with autism. They are soooo cute! I can't wait to work with disabled ppl”

“people with autism are so cute”

“I'm watching rain man, people with autism are cute (:”

“people with autism are so cute #alwaysbringasmile”

“I think people with autism and down syndrome are soo cute” I Just Said That To My Mama :)”

“I think people with autism and down syndrome are soo cute”

“I find people with autism cute. They are not weird lor =,="”

“31. People with autism are so cute :) I love working with them #100factsaboutme”

“People with autism are so cute”

“think people with autism and any disability are so cute awaw (seems pretty close to uwu)

“People with Autism are really cute”

“Aw people with autism are so cute tho”

“People with autism are so cute, they make me smile because there always happy.”

“I love people with autism. They are so cute. ”

“Some people with autism are so cute and sweet! I love it”

“People with Autism are just so cute. Fuck everyone who makes fun of them.❤”

“I think that people with Autism are really cute. (:”

“I think people with Autism are too cute .”

“People with autism are too cute, when I have billions ima give it all to them yah” (Someone give this dude a kickstarter. I need the money!)

“I don't think it's nice that people are horrible to people with autism, they're cute.”

“I think people with autism & things like that are so CUTE! And they're such sweet hearts”

“Awe watching a movie and two people with autism are getting married, so cute ☺”

“People with autism are so cute.”

“people with autism are cute if im gunna be honest”

“People with autism are so cute.”

“Watching a documentary on people with autism. They are so cute.” (We’re not zoo animals.)

“it's so cute that kids with autism are some of the happiest people 💗”

“People with autism are so cute awe ☺️”

“the people with autism on undateables are unbelievably cute.”

“People with autism are so cute 🙊”

“The undatables makes my heart weep 😩 I want to find all the people with autism and cuddle them all they are so cute”

“People with autism are so cute sometimes.”

“People treat people different becuase of autism but I think that people with autism are amazing cute smart people don't treat them bad pls”

“People with autism are cute.”

“ha yeah people with autism are so quirky and cute...”

“people with autism are so cute they're so much nicer and kind then other people i love them”

“aaaah even though they are not good at reading emotions, people with autism can be very affectionate aah this is cute”

“People with autism are so cute to me”

“people with autism, down syndrome, ect are so cute bc they're always so happy & carefree no matter what they're doing & it makes me so happy”

“#WORLDAUTISMAWARENESSDAY 💙 "people with autism are angels uniting together in search of miracles" 💙”

“he still will have eternal life because he accepted Jesus in his life. But I also believe that people with autism are truly gifted and are already accepted into Heaven because they are a part of God’s spiritual family.” (Is that so?)

“People with autism are oblivious when you enter their personal bubble #CMAT344″ (I heard this in like an annoying valley girl voice.)

“People with autism are our teachers of freedom, of pure love. #supersouls #autism”

“ wonder if people with disorders like autism are consciously aware that they have the disorder, or if they're totally naive to it.” (.....)

“People who only speak truth, such as those with autism are so beautiful and pure”

“God Bless this man, and the kid. People with Autism are so pure that bring out the best out of us.”

“At least people with autism are honest and care free. They don't have mean bone in their body. Pure of heart.”

“We have a lot of friends with #Autism.  They are wonderful people with pure loving hearts!  True angels..  <3 “

“the amazing powers of #autism, brilliant, mysterious, beautiful innocent hearts. I wish most people i deal with are as such...Happy Easter”

“people with autism are ANGELS in dusguise cuz they are pure, innocent, & don't sin. you"re blessed to have.one Leslie! :-)” (This is RICH in condescension towards us)

“Kids and adults with autism are some of the kindest, smartest, most pure hearted people I know. We need to learn from them 💜”

“people with autism are prob one of the most innocent, kind-hearted, loving, & humorous people ever.”

“autism is a mental disability. People with autism are usually very kind and innocent, but no,having a mental disability isnt good”

“I work with people with autism and learning disabilities, this is so sad.. 😔 they are such innocent souls #Crimewatch” (MARTYR COMPLEX ALERT! MARTYR COMPLEX ALERT!)

“Now people are assuming that the innocent, loving people struggling with Autism spectrum disorders are all dangerous. NOT true!”

“I actually love Autistic people, they are so genuine, and so funny. It's just so hilarious watching them in their own world, oblivious! :L”

“I think autistic people are being used. They're so oblivious and obsessive. They're also overwhelmingly in tech.”

“Autistic people are usually oblivious to whats going on around them so I wouldn't doubt it”

“You are heartless to insult innocent people suffering with autism. ...Karma! #lethatsinkin #formerfan #autism”

“#WorldAutismAwarenessDay  People with Autism are innocent, smart, and need wayyy more positive attention on the internet.❤️”

“I believe most teachers are amazing people. Teachers working with autistic children are angels. Thank you --------- you are an angel 2″

“Observing people patiently taking care of their autistic child 24/7 those people are saints. Can't even imagine what they go through.” (You disgust me.)

“I can't wait to work with Autistic kids. They are bright and mysterious people. In actual, they are geniuses.” 

“She does the real work. To all those who work with autistic kids, you are saints people, God bless ya.”

“I work with autistic kids everyday, they are some of the most amazing people in the world, and their mothers are saints:)” (Oh hun. If only you knew about some of the “autism moms” out there)

“People with autistic children are saints.”

“Autistic people are God' s special envoys ; who try and guide us towards life's daily miracles by  example!”

“Just watched a video of a boy who is blind/autistic get in front of 1000 people an sing open the eyes of my heart. Gods miracles are amazing”

“Autistic kids are not a statistic,but people with different abilities.our children are miracles and we are there voice and they is our heart”

“’People with autistic children are saints.’ My niece is autistic and we love her to death even though it is very challenging” (MARTYR COMPLEX ALERT!! MARTYR COMPLEX ALERT!!)

“People who work with autistic children & adults are saints. One of the Toughest jobs out there. Awful.” (You also disgust me.)

“People with autistic children are Saints walking amongst us. #Touch”

[cookinguptales]

update: lmao I am so fucking doped up right now. sorry to the world that I got behind on shimamatsu translations, but have you ever tried to translate while on muscle relaxants? it’s a bad scene. god, I’m in a lot of pain rn.

gonna talk about some of the movies from the film festival below the cut. doped up af but I’ve seen like 14 movies so far, hella. tomorrow I probably have to skip bc I just took two cyclos and that is gonna fuck me the hell up.

movies I’d recommend:

thelma a norwegian film which is basically a coming-of-age story for a fundie christian girl who goes to college and realizes she’s a lesbian. oh, and that she has insane supernatural powers. (it’s kind of carrie-ish but with canon f/f, but imo a lot better than carrie.) the love story is really interesting, if incredibly dark. like if you’re in the mood for dark, kind of mindfuck-y f/f, this is your film. despite the very long upcoming list of potential triggers, it’s not as scary or brutal as it sounds. lmao. highly recommended, probably the film I’ve enjoyed most so far. (tw: violence, nudity, drug use, death, [spoilers] child abuse, possible mind control, child death)

custody a french film based on a short film that I saw a few years ago, and it’s fantastic and gut-wrenching. the short film was about a woman running away from her abusive husband with her children; this feature-length film is about what happens when a stupid judge ignores what both the wife and children have to say and gives him joint custody. (spoilers: it doesn’t end well.) interestingly, it has all the same cast as the original short film, though the kids are markedly older. idk if it’s meant to be a straight sequel or if one just inspired the other. really well done, tho, I was fuckin white-knuckling it in the theater. people were like. yelling. the climax of that film is INTENSE. probably the best quality film we’ve seen so far, though I think the plot could’ve been tightened up a little. (tw: very explicit depictions of physical and emotional abuse, very terrifying moments. [spoilers] but no child death.)

I, Tonya tonya harding biopic. I’m not really a big one for biopics, but this was a good one. it tried to explain how harding’s life led her to where she got, but didn’t necessarily paint her as some innocent victim. it was sympathetic where it needed to be, empathetic where it needed to be, but rarely let her get away with bullshit. lot of good performances here, but Margot Robbie (even though she looked way too old for the part) did a great job. (tw: explicit child/spousal abuse)

the villainess Korean lady-gets-revenge-on-shitty-men bloody action flick. not really my genre, admittedly, but I feel like anyone who likes this kind of movie would really enjoy this one. very Kill Bill-esque. it’s the story of this girl who basically gets passed around between illicit assassination organizations, in-fighting, revenge on all those who wronged her, etc. it is Very Bloody and many people die. the action scenes are HQ if you are into that kind of thing. I was mostly invested in the huge amounts of f/f potential. like at one point she joins an assassin organization where all the operatives are female and that whole part of the movie!! was very gay!! the actual canon relationships are het, but there is a strong potential for dark f/f murderwives here. (tw: haha oh boy if it’s a problem it’s probably here. implied CSA, child abuse, creepy relationships, violence, gore, nudity, child death, everyone else death, non-con facial surgery...like it’s bloody af okay...)

love means zero this is a documentary about nick bollettieri, who’s this super famous tennis coach. (apparently.) I knew next to nothing about the world of professional tennis going into this documentary, but I still enjoyed it bc wtf this guy is a piece of work. it’s basically all about how he fucked over a ton of people (especially kids) when he was trying to make tennis champions. and how he succeeded! by fucking over a ton of people! the interviews with him are honestly kind of wild bc he’s just such a crazy narcissist. this was especially weird for me to watch bc I grew up in the sarasota/bradenton area and never even knew all this shit was going on there. it was weird seeing my hometown on the screen like that, but also interesting. (tw: child abuse, just generally being a fuckboi)

MOVIES THAT WERE OKAY but like I had Issues

brimstone and glory I feel like I really recommend going out to see this one if you can see it on the big screen. it’s a documentary about a fireworks festival in Mexico and honestly the cinematography is stunning. it’s just so, so, so cool. but the actual documentary part is kind of boring sometimes, and you gotta have a strong stomach bc it also shows some of the injuries people get at this insane festival. like I don’t think showing that is a bad thing; I think it’s the only responsible way to make a documentary about this festival. like it’s amazing, it’s so cool, but also these people are like. going blind, losing hands, dying. and taking their kids!! like if you cannot handle watching kids in dangerous situations, don’t go!! dad was freaking out, lmao. (tw: graphic depiction of real-life injuries)

radiance a Japanese film about a woman who writes audio description for blind movie-goers. the same director made An (Sweet Bean Paste) a couple years ago, which was notable for its depiction of what Japan does to its citizens who have Hansen’s Disease. (leprosy.) it was weird to me when that movie came out that none of the reviewers really talked about that aspect of the movie; they were all like “UGH IT WAS SO POINTLESS AND CLOYING” and I’m like “did you miss the point of the movie?? which was critiquing the social ostracization of these people in Japanese society??? did that completely go over your heads????” anyway, I appreciated the depiction of PWD in Japan bc having lived there while disabled, I know that shit isn’t easy. that’s why I went to go see radiance. it was...okay? I think the most interesting part was when they let the blind characters talk. the movie was otherwise pretty pretentious and self-indulgent. lmao. like... it’s a rent, don’t buy situation.

marlina the murderer in four acts this movie was not bad! it’s an indonesian film about a woman whose home is invaded and she kills all the invaders. it’s definitely a film that critiques misogyny in indonesian culture, but I feel like it undercut its own message by showing such incredibly graphic rapes. like honestly, I don’t really ever recommend movies that have very graphic rape scenes, but I guess she does end up killing her rapists during the rape scenes. I just. I feel like it could have been done in a way that won’t get people all sexually excited while watching a violent rape. : / y’know? other than that, though, I really liked the female characters in the movie and sympathized with marlina’s journey trying to get society to help her and realizing she had to just go it alone with her female friends. bc like. she’s attacked by men, but she’s also revictimized by shitty ordinary men all the time she’s trying to get to town, report the attack, etc. and so are the other female cahracters. so they just. have to be vigilantes. (tw: GRAPHIC rape, violence, mild gore, spousal abuse)

newton Indian film about a guy going out to the jungle to get votes in the main election. but like. none of the people out there even know who the candidates are, there’s a lot of anti-government violene, the villagers are caught between anarchists and the police, it’s just a mess. and I do think the movie was good at showing the futility of it all and showing how the people who really end up getting fucked over are the poor people in rural areas, but at the same time like. pacing was uneven, tone was ???, and I found the protagonist irritating. and there was what appeared to be some pasted on het which made no sense. (like honestly I cannot figure out why she ever wanted to talk to his dumb ass again.)

blade of the immortal it’s takashi miike making blade of the immortal. I mean. I feel like if you are familiar with those names, you already know if you want to see it or not. if you aren’t, idk how much you’d like it anyway. after already having watched miike’s ace attorney adaptation, I sense a pattern. the guy just looks at a HUGE corpus (like a VG with 5 cases, or a manga with 40 volumes) and is like “welll....then I guess we better make things fast.” so you have Big Bads being introduced in the same breath that they get killed, 30-second backstories, just a frenetic pace and a huge amount of information, and it’s confusing and overwhelming if you don’t already know it. and honestly, I haven’t read BotI so I can’t say how faithful this was. but if you already love the characters and just want miike’s trademark bloody action flick style, then I mean. fair enough. this here’s a bloodbath. I had a hard time getting emotionally invested as a fresh viewer, tho. highlight of the evening: an old man walking out grumbling about how he only likes classy martial arts movies, and apparently this did not qualify. having seen a lot of classics of the martial arts genre, still unsure what a “classy” martial arts film looks like. (tw: offscreen rape, death, blood, gore, just an unreasonable amount of killing honestly like it was funny by the end, attempted CSA)

gemini this is a “neo-noir” thriller. so essentially a murder mystery. unfortunately, the title of the movie basically gives away the entire story lmao. so while the build-up wasn’t bad, the entire last 15-20 minutes of the movie are a total letdown. it was nice to see canon f/f, I guess, but I feel like the movie never went in hard enough on that. like were they trying to make a point about how hard it is for celebrities to have same-sex relationships? I’m not sure!! I can think of a lot of things that would make this plot more interesting, but they just didn’t do them. acting was fine, I guess. John Cho was in it, even if his character was pointless. Zoe Kravitz is always fun. (tw: I mean it’s a murder mystery. so...murder.)

DID NOT ENJOY

scaffolding (israeli film, boring af)

the workshop (french film, kind of boring, makes questionable points about neo-nazis)

[breakingjen]

gonna talk a little bit about my spotty blogging in the past month or so while i have the energy to write it down. or more like one of the reasons why and it might get long so you’ll find it under the cut.

so as most of you know i have bipolar disorder as well as anxiety and other things. i was diagnosed with depression in march 2012 and that diagnose stayed until they rediagnosed me with bipolar in 2015 and put me on lithium which after about a year actually started helping and earlier this year i felt better than i’ve done since before i got sick. during the majority of this time i was put on sick leave (with sickness benefit) and twice i tried going back to the job market but failed both times. that is until october last year when instead of sick leave i was entered into vocational rehabilitation (that i call work) at an accounting firm (doing zero accounting bc i’m not qualified for that) by the swedish public employment service and the swedish social insurance agency. the thing about this vocational rehab is that you’re not allowed to be at the same place for longer than 6 months but my person at the spes has extended it twice - first for 2 months in march and then again for 3 months in may, which means that i currently have no idea what’s gonna happen to me after august 31st. the firm wants to hire me and keep me in their office which my people at the spes and the ssia and myself also want. BUT.. i have not made it up to full time yet (if i ever will, noone knows), i’m currently only working 4h/day and unless my pay would be huge (which.. no) i wouldn’t make it on those 4h. however, the ssia have something called sickness compensation which is for those who “will probably never be able to work full time due to illness, injury or disability. ” and my ssia person has told me that i’d be eligible for it BUT (again) they have to know exactly how much i can work so i’d need to increase my work hours and prove i can’t work more than however many hours that is. which means that i basically have to increase my hours until i can’t function like a proper human being anymore (my words, not theirs) because, you see, the thing is that if i work too many hours my anxiety levels will go through the roof, chores such as cleaning/doing laundry/cooking/etc will suffer as well as will my personal hygiene (basically going back to being depressed). i don’t have any actual objection to trying to see how much work time i can handle but we’re one month away from the end of the 3 month extension and it’s summer which means people and companies are going on vacation which means that my workload has decreased and i can’t increase my work hours without the actual workload because the result will be false. so let’s say i start increasing my work hours and maybe end up making it to 6h/day without a problem, that’s 6h/day with a lessened workload so once summer/the vacation period is over and the workload goes back to normal (well, apparently we’ve gotten new clients for the services that are my department so to speak so it will actually increase (if i’m still there)) that’s untested territory and i will most likely suffer a burnout and probably end up on sick leave with sickness benefit again, and the thought of going back into depression absolutely terrifies me, i don’t want to go through that darkness again. the thing is that my mom, my therapist and even my boss understand this and both mom and my therapist agree that increasing my work hours with a decreased workload isn’t the best idea. i have nothing to say against my ssia person bc she’s not the one who makes the decision when they get my application for it (honestly, she’d probably make a decision in my favor) - that’s up to some other people who have never talked to or met me. but this compensation is apparently really difficult to get even if you tick all the right boxes. so yeah.. if i don’t get it all i’d have (possibly) is the pay i’d get from work (if they do end up hiring me) which will not cover all my bills. at present i get something called a rehabilitation allowance (which is the same amount as the sick leave only with a different name) but once i’m employed that goes away too. the allowance/benefit/compensation above are all minimal provisions. plus they’re all taxable incomes which makes the actual amount you get even less. so that’s fun. in other news, i currently feel like i’m about to  to puke.

right, so.. the stuff about the sickness compensation is something i found out during our meeting in may and since then i haven’t really been feeling like my self (sort of? it’s kinda hard to explain). and due to the stuff i just wrote down, my anxiety (that i during spring have been able to handle without my anxiety pills) has increased quite a bit so i’m back to taking anxiety meds several times a week. and last month i had some monetary issues (that were solved thanks to one of the more precious and special people in my life) that added to the anxiety (still does even tho it’s been solved). so i’ve sort of hidden myself away a bit. i have one of those coloring books for mindfulness, which i’ve been doing some coloring in, i’ve read several fanfics (all sterek) as well as several books (the later one i finished last night), listened to a lot of podcasts and hung out with my mom in the sunshine (when that’s something we’ve had here, the swedish summer is oh so fun). anyway, between work and anxiety induced tiredness (okay, the insomnia has done its part too) plus that feeling i can’t identify (i want to call it “meh”) i just can’t drum up the energy, and sometimes will, to go online. this week’s been better but also not.

one last thing sort of related to this post, i obv still have an interest in our boys and hl but it’s sort of less enthusiastic atm - maybe because of everything i’ve just told you or maybe just.. idk, i have nothing else to offer there even though i know it could be something else, even tho idk what that would be. thought i’d just put it out there.

if you read this far, thank you🙏💗

/ Jen xo

[muishen]

just some needed emotional ranting I’m having a anxious day 

every 12 weeks bc of medicaid cuts I have to take a 4 week “break” from my group therapy to practice what ive been learning. Which has been fine until with almost one more week to go my anxiety has kicked it into high gear lmao. Worse I’m pmsing too which makes me even more emotional and paranoid. 

right now its hating my body I lost a lot of weight since fall, but bc of a new medication they put me on (abilify) and lowered my adderall I've been gaining some back, which is fine but I've been gaining weight and just plugging into huge self hatred. I hate my body a lot I have poor body image and disordered eating and just I haven't even gained a lot just enough with ppl saying I look better now but God. I hate myself so much I hate everything I feel like I'm so pathetic. 

I’m going nowhere in life, I can’t go back to college until I get some financial situations fixed and that wont really be take care of until Sept, and even then I still can’t go back until my therapists say I can handle the stress and not break down again. And I feel that won’t be for maybe another year or 2 if I’m generous. 

I live at home, I have no job, well my job is taking care of the house and helping my parents with my younger sister and my disabled brother, which is constant work in cleaning all the time his room or the rest of the house and helping my mom when she’s not feeling well since she’s on lots of pain medications from past back and neck surgeries and....I still feel like I’m not doing enough or a burden to my dad whose the sole breadwinner, despite how I’ve sold half of my stuff to help with money I also gave up my early twenties to stay home and be here and go to college part time (tho also my mental illnesses were manageable then but well if I got help then I wouldn’t be how i am rn at least there). I’ve been told time and time again that I’m needed and its okay, they understand enough that I need help and need them and never pushed me but I still feel so horrible. 

I don’t think I’m even actually recovering at all, and I honestly not even sure how too. My before was just a more manageable version of my now and my future will just be a more manageable version of my now. Which I guess its supposed to be but sometimes I just wish I was normal. 

I really feel like I have nothing to offer, I have no talents and I’m not particularly smart. 

I just don’t know what anymore, I’m just here and sometimes feel like nothing would change at all if I wasn’t here, but that's bad thinking and its wrong thinking but it still pops up in my head now and then even tho I do know its not true that people would care.  but also feel like all this is just justifying the fact I’m scared and that I’m a failure and what do I have to complain about, people have it worse than this and God I feel pathetic. 

But for now I feel really pathetic and bloated and I’m so tired but so anxious over everything and anything. It’ll pass I know I just needed to air my head out. Today is just a bad episode.