#even the narrator was broken by the end
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Without going into detail, the new Chapter 3 for the Damsel route is the most terrifying thing I have seen in this game.
#slay the princess#slay the princess spoilers#kinda#fuck. i still feel chills in my spine.#spoilers in the following tags#even the narrator was broken by the end#it's being trapped in a place where you're supposed to be happy#you get new activities new stimulants but those endorphins getting weaker and weaker#because something is telling you youre supposed to be happy when you're not#and you try to push these feelings down#and then when they do come out youre punished#you should be happier. why aren't you happy?#why aren't you happy???#it's ignoring the problem. or maybe ignoring at your ignoring a problem#because there isn't a problem. isnt there?#holy shit#fuck#i have one more route in this playthrough but i feel like i need to lay down#this hit me in my depression#i hate the voice of the smitten now#and not even in the fun way like i did before
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what if who did this to you part 4 is tinged in the pale blue of max klinger’s l‘heure bleu and what if it’s so liminal it doesn’t feel real because the after never does when you don’t even know the before, and what if robin turns into a caspar david friedrich painting and what if steve becomes the blue that depressed robin but she loves him anyway and what if i just lose my mind about them
#seriously just. man the world is ending. and there are monsters. and eddie doesn’t know shit about any of that. but he feels this fear that#is palpable and he sees the way robin looks at steve and he sees the way steve lets himself be held#despite the broken ribs despite the bruises like he’s used to bone crushing hugs when his body is already crushed#he should flinch he should wince and eddie’s witnessing and telling a story he’s not even a part of#so what if it all goes blue but it’s the wrong shade it’s the sad shade it’s the liminal shade that traps eddie in this moment#so what if i go insane about how far removed eddie is from everything and still he sees it all but he has no way to come to the right#conclusions and tell the correct story. so what if the narrator is not part of the story he tells. so what so what so what#who did this to you#who did this to you part 4#also everyone look at the paintings: l‘heure bleu and wanderer above the sea of fog#these paintings are what my soul looks like (when i dissociate) (which is often)
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Angela in LC, consistently telling the manager that she felt trapped and helpless and considerably miserable working in LC because she is denied of her individuality and personal choice and personhood and is also denied of any meaningful interactions whether with the sephirot or her own creator, lc hokma saying that what they have done and are still doing toward Angela was inherently cruel, even A at some point knee down to apologize to Angela because he also recognized what he was doing to her is inherently cruel in one of the loop (day 40), Angela in the epilogue straight up saying that she felt abandoned since her birth to the end for nothing hence she wanted to live her own life now, the lines in the dark in between day 47-50 are literally her begging to be noticed one last time:
LC essayist: but we literally can't know Angela's personal motivation until ruina she has never once showed her motivation and she was supposed to be hated by the narrative always and forever in LC
#i think this is less the case of narrative trickery but more case of the fandom being blatantly misogynistic hope this help#also people dont know how to read#absurd with people saying that LC trying to tell us A is good because LC only worked because A is a horrible person#even in his narration he portrayed himself as some sort of monster#and every characters in LC have beef with him pre and even AFTER their personal suppressions#the only difference is that LC made clear that LC cycle is supppsed to be a symbolic cycle of A tried to escape being a harmful person#and kept fall back into pattern because of his uncertaincy and fear and many other things#people who are aware of the loop (Hokma Angela Binah) literally made this very obvious analog toward the players#and literally guys in his head that he must overcome all tell him that kept perpetuating the loop or destroy everything#would be the most comfortable and easy choice for him to make because changing is suffering changing is dying for them#and the reason why day 50 is GOOD is because it is when A decided to move pass those mindset and break the pattern once and for all#when lor binah said that ''the cycle was broken once'' and in the end lor Angela repeated day 50 to break her own cycle of misery#what do yall think it was suppposed to mean#i hate lc essayist i hate lc essayist
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being a busy ass student with student journalism gigs on one hand and comm academic shit on the other is very interesting because with the jam-packed life I live I only really get to breathe at like late lAAATE night when no one can bother me about my responsibilities other than myself. that being said that's also when creative brain goes into overdrive and now misfits finally has the final draft of its opening number woo
#so heres the thing kasi the opening number of that damn project hAS BEEN THE HARDEST TO WRITE#i believe at this point there had been morethan 10 drafts gjdjd because like heres the thing with that number specifically#misfits is a fourth wall breaky show within a show and the 5 narrators (and 1 misfit which i'll get to in a bit) knowingly perform#to appease the audience. hence the opening number throughout the years has reflected that - a performance that breaks the barrier between#audience and stage. even when misfits wasnt a show withjn a show concept this had always been the general treatment so that the audience#actually GETS whats happening - but i always come to changing it because well i also wanted to add foreshadowing factors: somehing that#suggests that the show isn't actually all that it seems. previous drafts had this show through the typical Tagalog - Real#and English - Scripted element in the show - language being used to determine authenticity. however that begs the question of how to#properly utilize the Misfits in the opening number - given that two of them dont know about the Show while the other is confused#and then at 2 am i remembered Hermes from Hadestown and boop a lightning bulb#instead of opting for opening numbers that had hints of sabotage or theatrical malfunctions that suggests that the show is Not What It Seems#i thought - why not have it 'malfunction' at the start and have it introduce the wrong character first 5 minutes before the Narrators come#so basically after the Producers (represented through um P.A. voices smth like that) welcome everyone - what is supposed to be the#introduction of the Narrators first ends up as the introduction of the 3rd Misfit (Zeke - 18 - nb) who appears genuinely lost#they appear genuinely in distress though they keep themselves composed at the realization that they are facing an Audience#and they Know this because he was formerly a Narrator as well - though at this point in the story nobody (bar one) knows that#they decide to take their time in chatting with the audience while charming them using their old Narrator tactics in order to get a grip on#whats going on - being a first step towards how involved the audience will be in the story as Zeke then goes to question them outwardly on#the morals of the story they expect and whether it is ethical to have children forcibly conform to religion in the first place#but they do so in an entertaining Bo Burnham manner - a way that doesnt catch people off guard until They Want To - because ayun he#plays by the rules of the show#this doesnt seem like the 'opening number' yet does it but im getting there fjd because once they sense that the narrators will be on stage#as a memento they teach them to sing a melody that will serve as Zeke's motif - something that will eventually scare the lead Narrator and#the Producers - because whenever the motif is sung it means that someone has Broken a Significant Part of the show#especially since the Motif was um lets say its from a now defunct show the Producers and Zeke and the Lead Narrator used to have#that melody will then be subtly present throughout the entire opening number of the Narrators - which will then be played straight#but with the Misfits make their pre-official-introduction appearances by forming the bridge of the opener using the Motif#thats when we learn of the show being compromised from the very start - especially with the lyrics of the motif expressing doubt in faith#personal shit (ran out of tags whoops but um yea basically its Have The Audience Have A Hint to Whats Going On Through Recognizable Motifs)#(also the motif the audience learns is a melody - Zeke (and the lead narrator) changes the lyrics as they go) (also sorry for the ramble)
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Aight @baxieblur-turnip and @randosfandos y'all know the drill here it is
SNOWBIRD: CHAPTER IV
I stare at the ceiling. It's quite nice. Wood panels. Inoffensive. I count the scratch marks in it, then the proper holes.
I've just nicked it more than I've actually hit it. I don't especially try when I throw my knife. It used to be Otto's. I feel bad launching it at the ceiling, but it's what I do when I'm bored.
I retrieve it from my drawer. I flick it open and close a few times, running my thumb over the dimpled texture of the green handle while I study the ceiling. I can almost see the shape of a face...
I throw the knife up into a blank spot. It makes a tiny scratch. Not enough force. It sails back down into my hand. I catch it easily, the blunt side of the blade slotting seamlessly between my fingers.
Again. It thuds into the ceiling, between the boards, and I almost think it's going to stay there. It slides out, however, rotating to be blade-first. It pierces the pillow next to my head. How unfortunate.
Again. A thunk can be heard as it stays put. I stand to retrieve it, my bed creaking in protest. The ceilings are not especially low, but Otto's knife is easily within my reach.
It comes away too easily. Not enough force, once again. I stay standing instead of lying down again. I look at the knife in my hand.
I could stop. I could stop damaging the ceiling over and over again, and I could stop blunting the knife. I should stop.
I am only breaking things. No, not even breaking. This is nothing.
This is just more purposeless damage. I am just stabbing the ceiling, the ceiling that can not die, or feel it at all. This is an exercise in futility. I am satisfying nothing.
The sound the knife makes as I personally drive it into the ceiling is very satisfying indeed.
I step off my bed, landing silently on my floor. I allow the knife to say in my ceiling. I don't need it, anyway. I have other, much sharper knives. Better knives.
I pass my empty wall. The spot with four holes in it as if something was once displayed there stares into me, accusing me. I face it, staring back. I blindfold it by displaying Sera's gift. Yumi's warm, grey eyes now bore a hole into my skull, but it's a marginal improvement.
I shut the door quietly behind me. I don't care about the noise I make, but I don't need to be loud. It would feel too small.
My footsteps echo in the empty hallway. There used to be photos in this house. Filling the walls. There also used to be laughter.
The one photo left sits alone on the mantle. I know what it looks like, of course. I wasted many days staring at it.
Yumi is approximately seven. My mother is desperately trying to keep a hold of her, obviously tired but still smiling. Yumi is wearing a large grin, several teeth missing, as she seems to yell and reach toward the photographer.
One of her hands is pushing my mother's face to the side, slightly squishing her smile. My father is holding me, smiling at my mother and Yumi rather than the camera. I look grumpy.
It was taken in winter, so we are all wearing warm clothing. I look adequately cared for, with a knit beanie and fluffy green jumpsuit covering all of me but my face. My father's puffy jacket is an equal green. Yumi's brown sweater matches the one our mother is wearing. Yumi had to be wrestled into that sweater.
It's a lovely, lively photo, full of warmth and happiness. It reflects nothing of what we are now, though. It's almost like looking into a broken mirror.
You know what's supposed to be there, what it's supposed to look like, and it just doesn't. You can tell what it was. You can tell what it did. And it will never be what it was again, even if you fix it.
It's far more complicated than a broken mirror, though. We've lost all but two of the pieces, and one is so dirty and scratched that it's functionally worthless. We don't even have the glue to put those two pieces back together.
I hate the year-old girl in that photo. I hate her dissatisfied frown and barely visible black hair. I hate her chubby, tiny, tightly balled fists. I hate her innocence. I hate her ignorance.
I'm not looking at the photo now, though, so there is nothing immediately in front of me to hate. At least until I reach the mirror. But I already know what I look like. I will just ignore myself, like always.
I wash my face for the third time today. I should apologise to Sera. I should also never speak to Sera again. I should also lie down in the sand and wait for the ocean to claim me.
It's unclear what order I should take those actions in. Logic states that the ocean will take up far more of my time than begging for Sera's forgiveness and exit from my life.
I do not like logic. It is normally against me. I don't really want to talk to Sera right now, either. I don't want to talk to her, full stop. She'll come to me, talk to me, convince me to talk to her. She always does.
Of course, the Reaping is soon. I have several hours to kill. Normally, I'd spend this time with Sera. It would be tense, and there would be something inherently sad about it, but we would have each other. And that would be how we held each other together.
But not today. I won't lose this. I don't lose. It isn't something I do. I don't need Sera. I need her like I need a gaping head wound. I need her like I need the knife in my ceiling. Gods, I hate that knife.
I hated Otto's urgency as she pressed it into Yumi's hands before pressing an equal kiss to her lips. I hated my father's soulless eyes as he dropped a box of Yumi's things on my lap. I hated the message at the bottom of that box.
I hate that message.
I twist the tap violently enough that it must have bruised my hand. What a shame. The tap drips for a moment, then realises it's done with its job and ceases. The ensuing silence is decidedly agitating. It is broken by the sound of the door creaking open.
I will not look in the mirror. I will not acknowledge who is staring back at me, and I especially will not acknowledge who is behind me. I bring my hands behind my head, gathering my hair into one area.
I make sure to keep my eyes closed. I slide my hairband off my wrist and wrap it once, twice, three times around my ponytail until it is tight and stays in its place just behind where my head curves. I drag the towel across my face, mildly hoping it'll miraculously turn into steel wool.
I push past the man with the unshaved face and uncombed hair. I do not speak to him. He has missed his chance. He lays a hand on my shoulder.
The father makes some semblance of an attempt to speak to his daughter. The daughter coldly brushes away her father's hand.
My gait is not hurried, but most would fall behind. I don't know where I'm going. I suppose I'll find out when I get there. More people are around now. Most of them are Peacekeepers.
Preparing for the yearly slaughter, of course. It's a miracle Annie won the last. The poor girl snapped like a twig the minute Moor was beheaded. I don't blame her.
We were... not friends. Never friends. I knew her. It wouldn't be right to say that I know her. But we interacted, and I didn't hate her. She's how I knew him.
I remember how she trembled in the chair she looked too small in when her other friends rushed in to wish her luck and comfort her. He would have loved to, but mentors aren't allowed to.
I don't envy her. Or him. Nothing good came of their victories, aside from the food parcels for District Four. He's off in the Capitol being treated like an object, and Annie is... hopefully still breathing.
Perhaps I should visit her. There was far too much screaming coming from her house in Victor's Village for a woman who lives alone the last time I tried to check on her, though. It's best that I stay away.
Seth is about her age, I believe. They've never once held a conversation, but Seth has a way of speaking without his voice. He is very regular with his visits to her.
He looks almost identical to his sister. Messy blonde curls that spill easily into his eyes and tie themselves into knots around his ears, dulled-gold irises, a constellation of freckles across his nose and cheeks, a solid, strong build. One of their very few physical differences is his facial hair, which isn't much more than some thicker patches of fuzz at the moment.
I'm told he's very handsome by his many fans. I don't see it. He's just a male version of Sera, so feasibly I should be able to see it, but it just doesn't appear to me. Perhaps it's his lack of everything that I find sweet about her. Sera's face in my vision every day for almost two decades could have warped my perception of what "good-looking" is...
Most people assume Seth is mute or deaf or both, but he turns when someone talks to him, and he responds with a mumble or vague noise if I ask him something.
Seth is... strange. He's oddly fascinated by seaweed and the like, wasting all his free time poking at samples of it pulled up of fishing trips. He doesn't feel anything until it's applied tenfold, and even then, it doesn't appear to bother him. He'll just stare at people if they talk to him.
He talks to his friends the most. They adore him. It's understandable, with his inexplicable odd charm. It was easy to assume at first that they were just acting like they liked him because they found it funny.
They're genuine, though. They gather, the five or so of them, without him occasionally. I once walked past them as they were talking, and he was mentioned many times.
They talked about how odd it was that he knew so much about seaweed, but changed it immediately by talking about what he knew and how interesting it was. They discussed if they should bring Seth along to an event, mainly debating if he would enjoy it. One of them mentioned a rock Seth had given him, holding it out and praising it.
I don't consider myself jealous. It made me wonder for a moment if that was how the people who knew me talked about me when I wasn't present. I felt relieved for a moment. I am not one to try to deny facts, however.
I'm not blind. I saw the glares Seth's friends gave me.
One of them was Otto's younger brother, Oswald. She had two, him and a boy named Fayrouz, who's now about thirteen. He hates me now, but I would sometimes see him when Otto came over to talk to Yumi.
I remember her fairly well, although I didn't know her as greatly.
Otto loved green and wore a lot of it. Mainly deep sages, but I'd occasionally see her wearing an almost blindingly lime shirt. She was one of the fishers and had the build to match. Her burnt umber skin was lined with scars, especially her hands, and her whole body rippled when she flexed.
She had distinctly sharp features, much like the Esthel twins. Unlike them, though, her caramel-colour gaze could easily cut diamond. Her face was also more square, drawing attention to her high, ever-bruised cheekbones. She would always wear her black, curling hair in a low ponytail.
Oswald and I talked a little then, while our sisters were busy with their schoolwork and their gossip. He's a nice enough guy. Or, he used to be, anyway. He has a lot of friends. Sera is one of them.
He's very fond of her. She's ushered me out of her house so she can talk to him before. It makes sense. He detests me, and Sera likes him for some reason, so she keeps us separate.
Mechi sometimes brings up how Ozzie being alone with Sera doesn't bother me, but them being alone does. I don't really have anything to address that. I can't really take him seriously, I guess. I know I'll never have to worry about Sera preferring him to me.
He looks just like Otto. His hair is curlier than hers, and he keeps it cut short, but very similar. His eyes used to have her same piercing quality, but now they smoulder when I look at him. He didn't use to try to look like her.
It's for the opposite of the reason I keep my hair long, I'd imagine.
When Yumi died, it was like his older sister had died all over again. But at least there was someone he could rightfully blame. He likes it when we're partnered together in training. Especially when weapons get involved. He never wins, but he doesn't care.
Yumi's swap was considered "a shock" and "a display of friendship." Mine was called "a tragedy" and "unjust" and "stealing."
Otto loved Yumi deeply. And then Yumi was called, and Otto couldn't imagine life without her. So Otto took Yumi's place without a moment's hesitation. Yumi was comforted and consoled, and Otto was mourned as a dead woman.
Yumi cared for me. And then I was called, and Yumi felt that I was her responsibility. So Yumi took my place without a moment's hesitation. I was scowled at and disregarded, and Yumi was mourned as a loss.
It's not unfair, not exactly. Yumi was all kinds of excellent, but Otto was different. Colder, but still as caring. Less patient, but still as willing to listen. She gave solutions when presented with problems.
I remember her voice being smooth and warm. Much like someone else's. I didn't cry at her funeral, either. Rumi Erudite doesn't cry.
There was so something so utterly tragic about Otto.
It doesn't matter, not anymore. She's dead.
Ah. So my destination was the beach. Logical. It's nice this time of year. Victors will often stop here on their tours.
I don't feel anything when I sit down in the sand, just ahead of where the waves lap at my feet. I don't want to get saltwater on these shoes. And I don't like the way the waves move. I don't like the way they're getting closer to me.
Some part of me laughs at that. They're waves. They can't be malicious. They can't be cunning. They can't be evil. They can't... hate...
I shake that away and shuffle further up the beach.
It would be nice if I could feel what I felt three hours or so ago. It would also be nice if I could describe that feeling. It's childish that all I know is that I feel it with Sera, childish that I know nothing of my own emotions.
I wish my appreciation of the sunsets and sunrises wasn't linked to Sera. I wish my best memories didn't involve her. I wish that I didn't feel short of breath when she laughs.
I wish, I wish, I wish...
How childish. How naïve. How old am I, really? That I'm stuck wishing and hoping and whining? I hate that. I hate it all. I hate Sera.
I stare out into the ocean. I normally try to identify the boats on the water, but it's all been put on hold for the Reaping. The ocean surface is empty. It's slightly odd. It's very much non-standard, but it isn't alien.
It's sort of like when the birds all fall silent and leave the skies when a storm is brewing. It's not like it isn't normal. It's just not a good sign.
No boats means a child of District Four dies.
I remember when Sera would come home from storms. If she was caught in one, it'd be because they blew in before they could react. I'd wrap a blanket around her shoulders as she laughed about how she had been thrown overboard and hauled back on more than once.
I've noticed a pattern with Sera. Every time something bad happens to her, she just... starts joking. It's like she can't take it seriously. She refuses to acknowledge her own injuries. I'll usually have to drag her over to Cod. The only time she's taken herself there was when she accidentally cut off part of her ring finger while chopping carrots, and even then, she still tried to deflect it as okay for about thirty seconds. She worries me sometimes.
One night after a storm, Sera didn't laugh. She knocked on my door and waited where she would normally just let herself in. Even when I answered, she just stood in front of the door, dripping wet from the pouring rain with her head hanging. I could barely hear her when she asked to come inside.
I wonder if it's possible to purge memories. The ones after Yumi's death are all blurred. Those aren't gone, though. I want them gone entirely, so I wouldn't even know that I was remembering them strangely.
Alas.
The ocean's calm, at least.
"Rumi." I jump slightly. The newcomer's soft voice surprised me, somehow so much louder than everything else. I glance at the sky instead of her. The light's changed. I have no idea how long I was staring out at the mostly-flat ocean.
I identify her by the stitching at the hem of her shirt as I turn to watch the ocean again.
"Figured I'd find you here," Mechi says vaguely.
"Yes, well..." I respond, equally non-specific.
There is more silence. I assume Mechi is admiring the sea.
"You made her cry, you know," she says after a few minutes.
"Okay." Mechi sighs.
"Showed up on our doorstep," she furthers.
"Okay." Mechi shifts next to me.
"She was bawling her eyes out about how she upset you. She blames herself for every little thing you do, you know."
"That seems like her problem."
"Gods, Rumi, don't you care? You're her best friend," Mechi says, irritated. I finally turn to her so I can glare at her.
She's exactly as she always is. Blank. Mechi does not show her emotions much. It's not deliberate, I don't think.
"Why should I care about what Sera blames herself for? Why should her issues be mine, too? When did I agree to that?" Mechi flexes her hands.
"When you became her friend, that's when," she says, maintaining her composure. I turn away from her. Mechi sighs again. "It's sort of difficult to calm her down when she gets like that, you know." I do know. I've known Sera for longer than she has. I hate it when people act like they know her better than me.
"She loves contact, yeah?" Mechi continues. "Likes having her hair fixed, likes being hugged, likes being held. She loves to have somebody wrap their arms around her." Mechi pauses for a moment. "Affection. From someone she trusts. That's all she really needs."
There's another long pause between the two of us.
"To make her feel safe again. You know how it is."
She's saying all that like she did it. That's all oddly intimate for someone who's just her friend. Mechi's not close to her like I am. I'm the only one who's allowed to do things like that. That's what I do with Sera, not her. That's ours, not hers. And I don't like what she's implying with that snarky little last comment. The sand crunches in my clenched fists.
"You're too cruel to her. You're on a good path to lose her, you realise." She really thinks she knows what she's talking about, doesn't she? "I can tell when she's upset. I can tell when she's scared. I know how she gets when you get angry."
Oh, of course. Because Mechi knows everything, apparently. She acts like this sometimes, like she's the smartest person in all of Panem. She acts like she's so much better than me.
Sera doesn't "get" anything when I'm angry. She knows it's not really her fault. It's not even directed at her most of the time. I always apologise to her afterwards, too. I hate to see her upset. Which I recognise better than Mechi.
Mechi doesn't have any right to assume things about me and Sera. She knows far less than I do. And she's making me angry. I bet she's doing it on purpose so she can lie some more and say that I'm always like this. Fine then. If she wants me to be angry, I'll get angry.
"Really?!" I snap at her. She doesn't flinch. "You really have the audacity to say that?! I've known Sera for fifteen years! You've known her for - for not even a third of that! Do you think you're even remotely capable of knowing her like I do?! Do you really think that you - "
"She says you scare her sometimes," Mechi says levelly, cutting me off. "She says you aren't really yourself."
I don't scare Sera. We're friends. She's not scared of me. She knows me. Maybe... maybe once, years ago, I did scare her, but we talked about that! And besides, she'd tell me if she was afraid of me. She wouldn't tell Mechi instead. She wouldn't hide her feelings from me. She wouldn't betray me like that.
I know Mechi's lying. She's doing it to make me angry. Sera would never betray me. Sera would never say that I'm not myself. She knows me. She knows who I am. She's the only one who does.
Mechi is a liar.
"You've got an excellent tactic right now, actually," she says, still daring to speak. "You're absolutely awful to her, then you tell her you care about her and act so sweet about it." How dare she. How dare she. I'm not. I'm not anything she says I am. I'm nothing she says I am. She's everything she says I am, if anything! She's the -
"What, are you just going to sit there and get redder?" Mechi prods. She's waiting for me to come to any kind of a conclusion on my own. I have a conclusion for her. I have so many conclusions for her, and right now, a lot of them end in her blood decorating the sand.
"You don't know anything about us!" I shout, going in the least violent direction. "I care about Sera! More than you ever could! And I -"
"You're doing such a great job manipulating Sera, Rumi."
She's so pretentious. She's so smug. She's so proud of herself. She thinks she knows me. She thinks she knows Sera. Sera is my friend, not hers. Sera spends the most time with me. Sera is mine.
She's mine, all mine. Mechi should give in. She's mine. She's not Mechi's, she's not Tyra's, she's not any of those stupid boys', she's definitely not Ozzie's. She's mine.
"That's why she's afraid," Mechi says, so quietly. I must have said all that out loud. I don't care. It's true. She knows it's true. And she knows she's lying.
Something breaks. Some restraint I was keeping, it's gone. She thinks she can say all that. All that without consequence. She thinks that because she's just oh so important, she can do whatever she wants.
I wasn't raised to take disrespect like that. I wasn't trained to tolerate attitude like hers. And I won't.
I strike her, hard. It knocks her over, and she cries out. I stand. She rubs the side of her face. She looks up at me. Where have I seen that expression before..?
I don't care. I don't care.
"Stand up," I snarl. She's afraid. She's cowering at my feet. She didn't expect to be hit.
Something tugs at me, at the back of my mind. I ignore it. I demand that Mechi stands up again. This time, she obeys. I hit her again. It doesn't... do as much this time.
I hit her with just as much force. I think.
I punch out at her again, but she brings her guard up and blocks it. I am abruptly reminded that Mechi has had nearly identical training to me. She sends a violent blow into my cheekbone, causing me to tear up.
I punch her in the teeth on my rebound. Her hand instinctively flies to her mouth. I take my opportunity and kick her knee, knocking her down.
I bring my own knee violently into her face.
It doesn't occur. So I bring my own knee violently into her face.
Don't I? She's at the perfect angle for it. It would probably break her nose. So I bring my own knee violently into her face.
But I don't. I stand. Useless. Mechi looks up at me. She swipes the back of her hand across her mouth, stepping up and away from me. Her face softens.
"I can tell you aren't trying," she says quietly. She doesn't even have a lisp. "You don't really want to hurt me. You're just angry."
"Shut up," I hiss. There's a good, cold fury in my voice. Mechi's expression is one of pity.
"You only did that because you hate that what I said was true."
How many times do I have to tell her? How many times do I need to bruise her? How many times do I need to split her lip?
She is a liar. I love Sera. I don't hurt her. I hate hurting her. I don't mean to. I mean it every time, and I regret it so much more every time. Something in me always whispers that she deserves it. Something in me is wrong. Some part of me is broken.
I must be doing something stupid with my face.
"You need to go talk to her. She loves you, Rumi. And you keep on breaking her heart," Mechi says, her voice weak and wavering. I mishear what she says next. I must've.
Because otherwise, Mechi just said that Sera is going to die.
Mechi wipes one of her eyes.
"I tried to talk her out of it. She said she didn't have a choice." Something icy spreads in my chest.
"She's rigged the Reaping, Rumi. For you. It's going to be her. I don't know why. She could have done anything else." Mechi is lying. Again. She must be lying. She must be. The ice creeps up my spine.
"Does she have a death wish?" I demand, although it's more desperate and pathetic and on the verge of tears than actually demanding. Mechi laughs, cold and hollow.
"Same thing I asked her," she mutters. "She didn't tell me. She just gave me this sad smile." I grab her, seizing her by the collar. The ice reaches my arms. I will not let go of her until she tells me the truth. Mechi reaches up to try to free herself, her hands landing on my wrists.
"I don't believe you," I hiss, more strangled than I would have liked it to be. It's true. I don't believe her. I won't believe her. I don't want to. Mechi shakes her head.
"It's what she told me, Rumi," she says, voice low.
My veins freeze over.
"It's my fault that she knew," Mechi says, shame colouring her face. "I overheard a guy we know, I forgot his name, bribing Papa to rig it to be you." Mechi squeezes my arms tighter.
"He accepted. Because he's shameless," she mutters angrily. "So I told Sera, because what else was I supposed to do? Let her watch you die?" she spits. Her words boil with anger and resentment.
"She got him to make it all her name," she says, some of the hate leaving her voice to make room for defeat. "He wouldn't listen to me when I asked him to just drop the whole thing."
Tears drip down her face as her posture weakens.
"He hates the Kaishurrs. He was basically being paid to kill one of them," she says. "I don't know what she's planning to stop you from volunteering, but Sera's smart. She's going to be in the Games." I release her, staggering back. I am cold. I am unnaturally cold, on this nice, warm morning.
The ocean laughs at me.
The ice does not release its horrible grip as my body starts to move. Mechi moves out of the way as the beach rushes past, the sand giving way to earth and the earth giving way to concrete.
My chest tightens. I can't breathe.
My feet carry me forward. I can't see. All I can hear is my heart hammering in my ears. And Mechi's awful words, echoing over and over again.
She's going to die. She's going to die. She's going to die. She's going to die, and it's my fault.
I can't go fast enough. My top speed is not fast enough. I am not strong enough. I can't save her. We're both going to drown.
Blood is spreading through the water like a grim plume. Rain is cutting into us like knives. I can't save her. I can't save her. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can'tIcan't. Ican'tIcan'tIcan'tIcan'tIcan'tIcan'tIcan'tIcan't.
WhyisnobodyherewhyisnobodyhelpinguswhyisshenotbreathingwhyamIuselesswhyamIworthlesswhycan'tIsaveherwhywhywhywhywhypleasepleasepleaseI'msorryI'msosorrypleaseopenyoureyespleaseplease -
A scream tears at my throat, but it comes out as a stream of bubbles, and comes back in as suffocating, surrounding water. Every desperate, sprinted step hurts. Everything hurts. My clothes feel heavy. Seawater burns my eyes and nose.
We will drown. We will drown, and it is my fault. She hadn't insisted. I had a choice. We will die. I am drowning. I am drowning. I am drowning.
I can't breathe. I can hear the ocean. Crashing waves. Dragging me down with no remorse. No mercy. No care.
Water roars in my ears. It hates me. It's always hated me. It let me feel safe for a long time, so I'd let my guard down. So it could kill me. It's docile when I see it, when the sun shines.
It shows me its true nature when it storms. It shouts at me, comes for me, hungers for me.
I fear it. Not when I am not alone. It doesn't dare touch me when I am not alone. But I know how cruel it truly is. It hates.
It consumes me. It swallows me whole and does not notice. It does not care what it is doing to me. It does not care how it seeps the life from me.
I can't move fast enough.
She comes into focus. Her face. Her head. Her mouth. The blood around her. The blood on the docks.
She turns to face me. I see her eyes widen. Through my pain and my rain and my desperation, I see her.
My arms come around her body. We fall to the ground. The solid, dry ground. I fall into blood-spoiled blonde curls and the forever poisoned scent of petrichor and saltwater and rotting wood and blood and exposed bone and desperate screaming and tear stained cheeks and regret and pain and lasting injuries and warm nights and happy embraces and death and love and loss.
I'm sorry, I tell her. I'm so sorry.
#snowbird#snowbird chapter 4#yumi erudite#rumi erudite#sera kaishurr#otovia ossa#oswald ossa#fayrouz ossa#mechi esthel#the hunger games#yayyyy#major writing block but we did it!#this chapter felt kinda clunky while i was writing it#i mean the end bit is meant to be clunky and broken up because shes clinging to reality by a snapping thread but like#ugh idk you tell me#i like this one because. other people talk about rumi now. rumi talks to other people#we get to see how she acts without the Girlfriend Filter sera puts on her#oh right rumi has thalassophobia#no not even just sort of aquaphobia#and she lives in District Four oh boy#i mean it is sort of thalassophobia because shes not scared of water shes scared of deep all consuming suffocating water#and i mean arent we all but shes scared for ✨️trauma✨️ reasons#yay my two favourite things biased narrators and protagonists who srent actually heroes 💜💜💜#i wanted to give rumi and sera a ship name but rera is stupid and i shouldnt have to explain semi so its just 💛🖤#wuh oh thats an existing tag time to go check THAT out before i do anything#i want a ship name just to have. not to do anything with. just so i have it#okay its mostly just for black/yellow ships but im seeing a lot of md and rwby so#yay fun sera trivia! she cut off her finger!!!#giggling laughing kicking my feet#i had fun writing this but it doesnt feel as good as the other chapters
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#I don't know anything about Vanitas no Carte other than by what I see from time to time on twitter or here by chance#but that character having a brooch of a broken mirror with wings reminded me a lot of Jack#Also apparently the new character is also an archiviste and is playing music on a music box and talking about the world/story again?#In a very Abysslooking place. That's interesting. I've seen she and the guy with the broken mirror#are talking as if they were watching the story of the world‚but as if they'd get different interpretation of the events as different people#I think to recall? Which is pretty interesting especially considering I think to recall the girl was an Archiviste#And doesn't the story start with Noé talking about Vanitas' death? I don't know. Very Crónicas de una muerte anunciada among others#But with the implication of‚ idk I don't read the story‚ but this Juror-like figures watching the story for amusement and interpreting it#differently‚ and then as archivists idk... writing it down? categorising it? is pretty interesting in its possible ramifications#and potential implications. The idea of the story/world becoming a story told‚ and the telling depending on interpretation#The idea of the story/world becoming a story/narration and becoming actually several different stories#A bit like that 1984 line but out of context. And there's something more... I don't think it's Kant or Wittgenstein#Perspectivism but I wasn't thinking of that. Oh maybe it was Unamuno#Which reminds me of that one line about Horatio remembering Hamlet so well it would as if he hadn't died at all#And idkif Noe is an archivist it could be very interesting if he ended up being one of those Juror-like beings telling the story of Vanitas#Which is again pretty interesting considering that he has killed him? I watched the first episode of the anime#and I think to recall he said that? And idk I think it is very interesting in the potential twisting of events that comes from relying#a story‚ even more so if Noe has lived alongside and killed Vanitas‚ and with how these characters in the new chapter have explicitly said#they'd have different interpretations of the story/world. Not to talk about the fact of how that worked in PH#with Jack‚ Arthur and the Glens among others. But yeah. The idea of a... god adjacent? being witnessing a story#and getting a personal interpretation of it and writing it down is very interesting in its own‚ but it is also very interesting#in an additional way the idea of that godlike being having feelings of any kind for the person at the center of the story they're relying#idk. Unrelated to this but it gives me a bit the vibes of Aphrodite making flowers out of Adonis#or everything happening with Turnus and Aeneas I guess. Also damnatio memoriae. It evokes me all those things among others#But what do I know. I know barely anything at all about VnC. But these concepts I've last seen seem really very interesting#I talk too much#I should probably delete this later#Hmm I hope this doesn't appear suggested to people following the tags of things I've mentioned here like the manga‚ Aeneas or Wittgenstein#It is so annoying when it happens. Maybe I should start 'censoring' words when I'm just making notes for myself to avoid that#I've seen some people do it. Really tumblr getting rid of the five tags things has ruined the way I posted a bit
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KIM KITSURAGI - “Is that. My kineema.”
COMPOSURE [Medium: Success] - Something in him is about to break, *big time*.
EMPATHY - And it’s not going to be pretty, do something!
- DRAMA [Formidable] - Everything is fine!
- “Sure is.”
DRAMA [Formidable: Failure] - Surely he’s aware that he’s not the *only* person in the world who owns a Kineema?
YOU - “Is it really *yours*? I mean, plenty of people have their own Kineemas, right? Like working men, government offices, uh, firefighters I guess, maybe even animal control people? Exactly! A million different people who could’ve driven it into the uh…”
DRAMA - Pause, my liege! Ixnay on the Ineemakay!
YOU - “It could even be our *mysterious* joyrider!”
KIM KITSURAGI - Your frenzied babbling falls deaf to the lieutenant's ears. Instead, he approaches the broken vehicle, sunken in the ice. He moves with a caution and gentleness you haven’t seen him display before.
INLAND EMPIRE - It must be cold and lonely down there, in the icy water. Maybe he could sense its sorrow, calling to him…
PERCEPTION (SIGHT) [Easy: Success] - His hands, which are always stiffly placed behind his back, are trembling.
ENDURANCE - This is the shuffle of a tired, tired man.
HALF LIGHT - He’s going to do something drastic because of you. Oh god, terrible! You’re a terrible liar! You can’t look at this, you just can’t!
VOLITION [Formidable: Success] - It's not *you* who drove his kineema into the sea. You have plenty of faults, but this one is decidedly not yours.
KIM KITSURAGI - He kneels down with his head bowed, casting his face in shadow. He plants a hand on the ice to stabilize himself, squinting to get a better view of the motor carriage. “Detective, it says ‘57’ on it.”
YOU - Sweat drips down your brow, and you feel a terrible headache coming. “Maybe our joyrider has an affinity for that number?”
LOGIC - He's not stupid, he knows that it's not that.
KIM KITSURAGI - “57.”
YOU - “What about 57?”, you brace yourself.
KIM KITSURAGI - “Precinct 57.”
YOU - You wince. “Kim, look-”
KIM KITSURAGI - “When I woke up in the Whirling-in-Rags with no memory of what happened during the days before, I've taken note that something of mine has gone missing.” He grits his teeth. "A very. Important. Something."
He runs his hands over his face, messing his already unkempt hair in the process. Regret creeps up on his features. “God. Fuck. They’re going to fire me over this, they’re not going to hear me out.”
EMPATHY - Desperation settles in the lieutenant's tone. Sadly, you find yourself in agreement, even if you don’t want it to be the truth.
YOU - “People are more valuable than machines, Kim.”
KIM KITSURAGI - “Not people like me.” He rasps.
YOU - “…”
KIM KITSURAGI - Before you can say anything more, you fail to notice the lieutenant carefully walking onto the edge of the ice. He looks over the frigid water, a dizzying blue that mirrors and distorts his exhausted face back to him.
YOU - “Kim?”
KIM KITSURAGI - Seconds pass as he looks to be contemplating something. Out of nowhere, he casually takes another step where the ice ends and the sea begins. It happens all too quick for the lieutenant to even voice a call for help— if he even wanted to — his body plunging into the cold water before your eyes.
YOU - “KIM!!!!”
uhhh bonus stuff? sorry i have swap au brainworms pfttt
(im not sure what skills kim has at the moment so rn he only has narration as his inner monologue ok whoops, i would like to keep harry as the guy who thinks in dialogue trees so im still figuring it out pfttt)
also, this was done bc i wanted to expand on these old scribbles of mine, just like an idea, i just think that he'd be having an even worse time wheezes
#disco elysium#kim kitsuragi#harry du bois#den's disco swap#disco elysium role swap#HI nobody look at the fact that. i am a novice writer at best DFGHJFGH#i had idea for some comic dialogue but it ended up being this instead whoops. i mean i could still draw this as a comic#anyways. i was like. trying to reverse engineer my idea of how kim can change into his bomber jacket instead of his uniform.#which. i dont think you can do with just simple convincing bc that thing is fused to him in spirit so there has to be like a good reason wh#oh it gets ruined! how? it gets like wet or smth! how'd that happened? he threw himself into the sea#also isnt it fitting that my memory problems is making me not remember the things that happen in disco elysium very well wheezes#so whoops if the characterization is a lil off lmaoooooo#but i have been trying to figure out how i want harry to be in this swap au#i dont think he's as well as he wants you to believe he is. and just the image of him pushing this 'youre allowed to be in denial about +#this' to kim about the kineema was so vivid in my head and idk if that tracks but hell. its in there now dfghdjfg#sunnysidedraws#sunnysidedisco
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I want to talk about the happily ever after route for a second. I want to talk hows it's actually about the narrator. I want to talk about how smitten and the princess directly parallel the relationship between the narrator and LQ.
Smitten as the shadow does what he does out of love for the princess- a misguided sort of love. I'd argue the narrator feels the same kind of love for LQ. A love that traps, that cages. He thinks he knows whats best for LQ- he "rewards" him with something endless and meaningless in "the good ending". "happily after ever" is a VERY similar title, and in it we are also trapped in the cabin by someone who thinks he knows what we want, and that something is something endless, and meaningless- plates refilling, games resetting. It's awful. it's torture, the narrator admits this when he watches the events unfold, it's one of the only times we see him show such abject... I mean, it's hard to describe the emotion. He's a little bit distraught, a little horrified, a little disgusted. he sounds broken, really, like the full weight of his actions has just been shown to him.
These lines stand out to me, too. This chapter really puts him in a new light, even if it's just for a moment, before the echo of him fades away. God, the Pristine Cut is a masterpiece. I've had so much fun with it so far, its really fucking great.
#slay the princess#stp#black tabby games#the long quiet#the princess stp#happily ever after stp#the narrator stp#stp spoilers
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i know this has been talked about a lot but i can’t believe taylor put out nineteen songs where she turns herself inside out, reveals all of her trauma to her listener, and ultimately concludes that she found someone who accepts all of her scheming and even appreciates it, before ending an alternate edition of the album with ‘yeah so I’m a liar. I’ve been an unreliable narrator the entire time. you wouldn’t believe any of my stories if you actually knew who I was. I’m actually too broken to understand. i’m all alone and I can’t be helped.’
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Why The Voice Of The Cold Hates The Narrator
Replaying the Nightmare -> Wraith route and I'm realizing...
Jesus fucking christ, The Cold hates the narrator. Honestly, I think he might just give Smitten or Contrarian a run for their money.
He:
Doubts every word the narrator speaks
Insults the narrator whenever he gets the chance
Actively suggests killing the narrator, even stating that the princess could help do that
Not only suggests killing the narrator, but also suggests that—no—actually, death is too good for the guy. They should lock the narrator in a void just like the fake good ending. Mind you, this route doesn't even have the narrator do that!
Mocks the narrator when he finally gives up on trying to make you slay the princess
Seems happy that the narrator is gone, saying he had a feeling The Wraith could deal with him
I'm pretty sure Cold over here'd rather be playing Slay The Narrator.
Really though, upon further reflection, The Cold's hatred for The Narrator is also prevalent in The Spectre, where one of the few things he actually seems to have a firm stance on is "We should kill the Narrator". In the Greys, though he's arguably at his most nihilistic, he still seems to oppose the Narrator. He joins the Skeptic in his suspicions, and though he mostly just seems to be having a time provoking Smitten during the Burned Grey, he still does take the occasional second to spite the Narrator.
And honestly, come to think about it, it makes sense. After all, the Cold manifests not necessarily from slaying the Princess, but more specifically, from killing yourself. But not just from killing yourself, slaying yourself in The Tower at the hands of the Broken doesn't manifest him, but specifically by killing yourself to spite the narrator. I mean, other than Empty Cup and Moment of Clarity (Where we don't actually know how he manifested due to the timeskips), each iteration of Cold's manifestation checks out.
Spectre: You slay her, get the good ending, but then decide "fuck this and fuck your contruct", and stab yourself even as the narrator repeatedly urges you not to.
Burned Grey: You kill the Damsel, and in a fit of rage against both you and the narrator, the Smitten kills you, even as the narrator urges him not to. (Funnily enough, this means that, despite the Smitten's line of "you killed her, and so I killed you", it was the opposite, and the Smitten manifested the Cold)
Drowned Grey: You kill the Prisoner, and, just like in the Spectre's route, you kill yourself even as the Narrator urges you not to. If you refuse to kill yourself, Skeptic does it for you, seeming apologetic towards you, but definitely not towards The Narrator.
Wraith: You kill yourself as the Narrator urges you not to, and Paranoid also spends this route doubting the Narrator.
These routes involve various levels of emotion for the Princess, ranging from "My love! Still gonna kill you though" to "So scary! Still gonna kill you though", and an overall perception of the Princess as a corpse. But the Narrator? In all of the routes leading up to Cold's manifestation, the Narrator is met with hostility, usually leading to you killing yourself out of a mix of spite and suspicion.
So Cold's manifestation has two constants:
Some level of apathy towards the Princess, regardless of your previous interactions with her. Whether she's your perfect damsel or your worst nightmare, you don't care. You stab her.
Disregard for your own safety. You're just going to stab yourself, cool. It's better than this hell. Sometimes it's another voice fulfilling this requirement for you, like Smitten in the Damsel, or Skeptic in Prisoner depending on whether or not you willingly die.
Distaste towards the narrator. A conclusion that the Narrator is untrustworthy and distinctly not on your side. No matter how you manifest the Cold, it is clear that you do not like this pesky raven one bit. The Nightmater -> Wraith route shows this through Paranoid's constant suspicion of the Narrator. This distaste frequently, thought not always, occurs due to the Narrator attempting to force you to live out your life in the void, though it can also occur due to the Narrator attempting to make you live a life without the one thing you cherish (Damsel route).
Apathy towards most things, but one thing's for certain: You don't trust that Narrator guy. He tried to make you live out a crappy, boring life for eternity.
Cold's attitude makes sense when you look at how he was created. Just like Smitten was made by deciding the princess was an immediately trustworthy damsel in need of rescuing from the pesky narrator, or that the witch is a gorgeous woman whom you can save by giving your blade in spite of the narrator's wishes—Cold is made through deciding that neither your nor the princess's safety particularly matters, but fuck that narrator guy. He sucks. As apathetic as the Cold likes to act, he reacts to Smitten's threats and the Princess's murder attempts with "interesting", and reacts to the Narrator's explanation of the timeline with "we should kill him".
So, my point?
Well, I think that—not only does the Cold hate the Narrator—but hating the Narrator is part of him as a voice. He's cold, apathetic, and he hates the Narrator. It's been baked into his very being through the choices that you make. The princess doesn't matter, your physical well-being doesn't matter, but know that the Narrator is an untrustworthy little prick.
TLDR: Replaying Wraith made me realize that the Cold probably hates the Narrator very very much, and he does so because it is baked into his very being because of the choices you made to manifest him. You go, king. Let your inner hater run free.
#slay the princess#stp cold#voice of the cold#the narrator#voice of the smitten#others mentioned but those three are really the only ones i actually talked about#tangent but i believe in smitten-cold being opposites bc the opposite of love is not hate but apathy#stp analysis
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Post Gotham war Jason and post GIW Danny scrap
Jason is laying on the ground. He can hear water running to his right and can see his parachute tangled in trees overhead.
The explosion must have sent him farther away than he hoped. His back hurts from the landing after he disconnected from the parachute. His hands are still shaking from residual adrenaline that in turn makes his throat constrict in fear.
Fucking Bruce. Of all the things he could’ve done to break their cycle.
Because that’s what it was, wasn’t it? A never ending cycle of them fighting over morality, making up, then fighting again without any real progress being made. The Joker’s still kicking in one way or another, and Jason still doesn’t talk with his family much outside of vigilante activities.
And now he won’t even be able to go out as Red Hood, because his own fucking adrenaline will immobilise him with fear.
Jason never should have tried to work with Selina. He’s self-aware enough to admit that. It was stupid, trying to mess up her operation from the inside after realizing just what she was setting up the goon workforce for, even if it wasn’t her intention. She was only letting him work with her to shove it into Bruce’s face, anyway.
Because that’s all Jason will ever be to them. Batman’s biggest mistake. A Robin turned corpse turned mass murderer. Like he hasn’t been actively not killing people for at least a year now. Hasn’t shot a gun in months.
And yet here Jason is, trying to tell if his ribs are broken without moving. His ears are ringing faintly from the collision with the meteor and then the explosion at the observatory.
He ditched his comm to Oracle and the rest of the bats earlier, and the batwing is one with the wreckage now. But there are cameras everywhere in Gotham. They would see he got out, and probably send someone to pick him up. Maybe.
Jason doesn’t know if he can stomach looking at his family right now. Not when he can still feel the effects of whatever Bruce stuck in him in the back of his throat, in the back of his mind. It’s like he’s been flayed out, all his scars and weaknesses on display.
“Hey man, you okay?” A man steps into Jason’s vision. Around his age, if not younger. His eyes that verge on the edge of uncannily blue have deep eye bags, like he hasn’t slept in weeks. He looks at Jason like one would a particularly uninteresting bug. Jason shivers.
It takes a few tries for Jason not to swallow his words. As it is, he still slurs on the swear. “Just fucking peachy.”
The guy raises an eyebrow, looking very doubtful. He looks Jason up and down, then sighs. He rights himself from leaning over and runs a hand through his long black hair with white streaks in it. It’s choppily cut, and not in a tasteful way. It’s like a five year old found scissors for the first time. It’s annoying how it actually works for the guy.
“I have a first aid kit in my truck, wait here,” He orders, then walks off to the left. Jason turns his head to watch him. There is a small white truck parked to the side of a road that no cars are passing through. The guy opens the back door and digs around, then emerges with a white box.
He kneels on the grass next to Jason and slowly reaches out to help him sit up, narrating as he does. “I’m gonna lean you against the tree so that I can get a better angle for your forehead.” He does that, and Jason realizes that yeah, his forehead is bleeding. Maybe he snagged it on a branch on the way down, or maybe it was debris. “I’m going to disinfect it, brace for the sting, I guess.”
It does sting, but Jason doesn’t flinch away. It’s not the exhaustion from the back to back panic attacks that’s calming him. He knows what that exhaustion should feel like, this is not it. As the guy gently washes off the blood from Jason’s forehead with wipes and presses bandaids onto it, he feels like he’s being enveloped in a warm hug.
“Why do I feel safe with you?” It stumbles out before he can stop it. The guy doesn’t stop inspecting Jason’s arms for cuts to answer. Only when he finds traces of burns to wrap against infection does he say anything. Jason’s too warm for a November night.
“Well. There are two options. Either you’re concussed, or you’ve died before.” Jason takes in a sharp breath, but the guy doesn’t seem to notice. “Oh, three, I guess. Since it could be both.”
“I don’t feel concussed," Jason says. And he doesn’t. Maybe slightly dehydrated, but his head doesn’t hurt and he’s not nauseous at all. The slight slurring is just because he’s tired, probably.
The guy hums, leaning back to check his handiwork. There’s bandaids on Jason’s forehead and bandages along his arms. He closes the first-aid kit with a snap and stands to his full height. His face is haloed by the full moon behind him. His eyes reflect in the light. “Guess it’s option two, then. I was leaning towards that, anyway. Once Deads tend to have that effect on me, and you do give off Realms Touched vibes.”
The guy offers a hand, and Jason stares at it for a moment before taking it. It’s like touching an ice cube. “I don’t know what that means.”
The guy pulls him up easily, despite being built like a broad-shouldered twig and at least five inches shorter than Jason. Probably a meta, then. Or maybe magic. The guy lets go of Jason’s hand to run a hand through his hair again. The motion brings attention to the layer of scar tissue around his left eye. Likely scarred over in the past month or so.
“Yeah, my bad. Should’ve assumed. Um, short version: I have what amounts to a biological need to help peop-” He stops, purses his lips, then starts again. “To help the undead. And that stretches over to you, I guess.”
“And the Realms Touched thing?”
He shrugs, not looking at Jason’s eyes, but up at his hair. At the white streak sticking out against the black. “Let me guess, you had an encounter with some green not-quite-liquid stuff sometime after you died?” Jason nods once, slowly. “Yeah, that’d do it. The green stuff’s from the Infinite Realms, and doing stuff with it kinda marks you for people with an eye for it.”
“People like you?” Jason narrows his eyes, but it really does seem like this guy is telling the truth. That this is just some weird coincidence that the spooky guy (who cannot be local. Jason might have ditched the mask, vest, and gloves, but he still has his padded shirt with his symbol on it. No true Gothamite would dare to approach the Red Hood with medical supplies) just happened to stumble upon Jason. The complete blasé attitude he has toward the pits helps. A League devotee would be more reverent.
The guy tilts his head to the side, his face scrunching. “Technically, yeah. I meant more, like, formal magic users. I’m… different?”
“What are you, then?”
“It’s complicated?” As Jason’s unimpressed look, he tries again. “I’m, I’m kinda like a protector spirit and a psychopomp rolled into one? But, a psychopomp that’s not good at their job.”
Jason gets the feeling that that’s the best explanation he’s going to get out of this guy. He’s already shifting away, looking past the trees and at what’s probably Gotham proper.
“So I have a sense for dead things. ‘S actually why I ended up coming through here. Something that felt like a meal was coming here, but now it’s faded.” He points past Jason, and he follows his finger, moving to face the green smoke rising from the observatory, glowing in the night sky. “You know what happened?”
“Big fuckin’ meteor,” Jason mutters. The smoke is dispersing slowly but surely. A news helicopter is already buzzing around the observatory site.
“Sure, why not?” The guy mutters back. His eyes flick to Jason before jutting a thumb backwards. “Welp, I’m gonna get back on the road. You need me to call someone for you or something?”
Jason thinks about it. He could call someone to pick him up, or check in with Rose. But. That would mean eventually going back into Gotham. Back into the fire. Back into a city that’s being overrun with thieves he had helped support. It’s not shame that stops him, but fear.
Fear that if he goes back, it will just start the cycle again. That it’ll just take another form, but he’s just going to be stuck fighting. He’s always fighting, has always been fighting. If he goes back and he starts fighting again, it will never stop. Fear lodges into the back of his throat once again and Jason realizes that he might not be able to fight like that anymore.
And standing outside of Gotham, seeing the smoke coming out of it color the same as the Pits that still haunt him, Jason thinks that maybe fear and fighting are all he has left.
He wonders what would happen if he let himself lose those, too.
“Actually, which way are you going?” Jason asks the guy, who squints at him.
“North.”
“Sounds good.” Jason spins around and walks determinedly towards the guy’s truck. The guy stutters and hurries to catch up to him.
“Wait, what? You’re just gonna… come with me? Are you sure you’re not concussed?” He says, but stops at the driver’s side door and just watches as Jason slides into the passenger seat.
Jason smiles at him, all teeth. “Come on, Charon. Aren’t psychopomps supposed to lead the dead to their next destination?”
The guy just looks at him for a moment, then opens the driver’s side and slides in. He glares at Jason, but it doesn’t feel like there’s any real dissatisfaction behind it. “You’re not dead now, and I told you I’m bad at my job.”
Jason shrugs and swings his feet onto the dashboard, ignoring the guy’s disgruntled and insulted look. “Then you’ll get some on the job training.”
“I’m on the run from the government. This isn’t going to be a fun adventure, dude.”
That does make Jason pause. But he also knows the government. “What’d you do?”
He scoffs. “Exist. Fuckers think they’re entitled to my organs. For science, they said.”
A victim, it sounds like. Hell, maybe even a clone. Not likely to be a criminal. Jason shrugs and shimmies more into the seat, making a show of getting more comfortable. The guy frowns, then closes his door.
“You know what? Fine, guess I’m doing this now. But we gotta set some ground rules for this roadtrip, okay?” He points at Jason with his left hand, leaning over a little in what could have been intimidating if he didn’t look dead on his feet. Jason recognised the faint lichtenberg scarring on his finger. Recently electrocuted, and badly. “First, get your dirty ass boots off of the dash.” Jason obliges. “Thank you. Second, seatbelts stay on. I know how I drive, and it is not good.”
He emphasizes his point by buckling himself in and glaring at Jason until he does the same.
“Third, um, I don’t have a third one.” He drums his fingers on the steering wheel. “Oh, tell me a name I can call you. Yeah, that’s the third.”
“Jason. What’s yours?” He should have hesitated. All bat protocol for getting into unmasked situations with a stranger determines giving a fake name, and to not even think about anything close to real. But he doesn’t. It doesn’t matter. This guy clearly doesn’t know who Red Hood is, if he doesn’t recognise the symbol, so Jason doubts he’d recognise the first name of Bruce Wayne’s dead son, and then connect the dots.
“Danny.” Danny starts the truck and pulls back onto the empty road. It must be two or three in the morning at this point. Maybe later. “Hope you have an enhanced ID, ‘cause we’re going to Canada.”
Jason, in fact, does. Not one that has his name on it, and it’s for New York, but the picture looks similar enough.
~~
So the original idea for this was they head to a cabin aunt alicia has in canada, but I got like 2000 words into this then realized i didn't have the motivation to continue, plus i wasn't confident about the characterization (i'll admit i read the gotham war event in a vacuum) so i just scrapped it. But!! I figure i would post it here in case someone else wants to take the idea and run with it :P
#dp x dc crossover#dpxdc#dp x dc#dcxdp#dc x dp#not tagging the outer fandoms as to not clutter those tags#also i had to look up what states had enhanced ID for this i legit thought everyone had it#but ig it makes sense that states w/ borders to canada have it and not others#anyway this was mostly the product of me reading gotham war and being like what was that???#i think im still confused tbh
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~✨IMAGINE✨~ You're at a Christmas party. You need to go to the bathroom. You need someone to watch your drink. Whoever could you ask? Observe. Explanations below the cut.
S Tier
Shifty: It's a little beneath her, but sure. She can just get one of her multitudes to watch it until you get back.
Princess and the Dragon: Absolutely. Also could possibly use the weird fusion thing she's got going on to give you live updates on how your drink is doing.
Hunted: Protects your drink with his life. Hisses at anyone who gets too close.
A Tier
Prisoner: Pris is already just sitting blankly in the corner, she doesn't mind doing that and also watching your drink.
Base Princess: She's happy to help, though I could see her getting a bit impatient if you take too long. Still probably one of your best options.
Thorn: Thorn is surprised you trust her and promises to make good on that. If she perceives a threat she swallows your drink whole, glass and all.
Hero: Hero's a nice dude who would probably be happy to watch your drink for you. That said he also strikes me as the kind of guy to forget it's yours and absently take a sip of it.
Spectre: She's happy to watch it for you, but she's also incorporeal, which might hamper her ability to do so. That said, she can probably just de-heart anyone who tries to mess with it.
Adversary : Takes protecting your drink as a challenge and her sacred duty. Beats up anyone who approaches her while she's holding it. Probably spills it everywhere in the process. It's the thought that counts.
B Tier
HEA: She'll probably be happy to watch it for you if you ask but also like. This party is HER moment. She is living her hot girl summer this winter and you should really just leave her to it.
Broken: Likewise with broken, he's not a bad option but you should probably let him have a night off.
Wraith: She's a little annoyed you asked but Wraith strikes me as a girl's girl. She'd probably watch it for you.
Narrator: He's SO mad you asked. "You're not here to have fun, you're here to slay the princess!" (he'll still watch it for you, but he'll complain the entire time).
Fury: Fury gets bored while waiting for you to come back and starts atomizing your drink. She reassembles it before you return but it still tastes a little funny.
C Tier
Stranger: As she exists in her route, probably a bad idea (she's got a lot going on). As the heart princess, however, she's one of your best options (more eyes and hands = extra attention being paid to your drink).
Wounded Wild: She's like SUPER touched you trust her enough to ask but regretfully informs you that she doesn't really have hands to hold it with.
Cage: Cage just leaves her head at a table to watch your drink while the rest of her body does something else. She can't really stop anyone from messing with it but at least she's keeping an eye out for you.
Paranoid: On the one hand he's suspicious of literally everything which might make him a good choice, but on the other hand I feel like he might work himself into a panic attack while you're gone. I'd rather not do that to him.
Damsel: Of course she'll watch your drink for you, if that's what would make you happy! She puts in an honest effort but she's also probably going to forget it on a table somewhere.
The Long Quiet: TLQ is basically just you so idk, what would YOU do? 🤨
D Tier
Cheated: Agrees to watch your drink, then immediately trips and drops it on the floor.
Stubborn: Stubborn's kind of a tossup depending on his mood. If he's already doing something else he's probably not going to help you (additionally, even if you do convince him to help there's a very real chance he'll end up using your glass as a weapon in a bar fight).
Den: Smacks it off a table in typical cat fashion. Seems to feel pretty bad about it after, but doesn't have any money to buy you a new one.
Smitten: Ditches your drink to go flirt with the nearest princess.
Nightmare: It's near impossible to ask, since you can't get close enough to her without your organs shutting down (that said I think she'd probably be cool with it).
Skeptic: I this with love but given Skeptic's track record I think there's a high chance he'll get distracted by some other mystery and forget all about your drink.
M.O.C: Has many arms with which to hold and protect your drink, but also lacks a face with which to watch it.
Wild: Fuses with you into one ultimate being. Now *we're* going to the bathroom.
E Tier
Apotheosis: As you approach her outside (she can't fit in the building) your drink is pulled from your hand by her gravitational force and floats away. You're not getting it back.
Contrarian: While you're gone he dumps your drink out on the floor bc he thinks it'd be funny. He immediately feels bad about it and goes to buy you a new one but he doesn't actually know what you had before so he just ends up getting you a coke zero.
Drowned Grey: When you return, the contents of your glass have been replaced by a strange, murky liquid. It carries a faint scent of blood. You ask her what it is and she vanishes with a mysterious smile.
Eye of the Needle: Smashes your drink on the ground and demands you fight her in the parking lot.
Cold: Takes your drink, then leaves it on a table and watches from a distance "just to see what happens."
Tower: Downs your drink while maintaining unbroken eye contact. Claims she thought you bought it for her. Obviously lying.
F Tier
Beast: Swallows your drink whole. She gets broken glass stuck in her throat and you have to take her to the emergency room.
Razor: Your glass slides out of her knife hands and shatters on the floor. Then she skewers you.
Witch: Throws your drink on the ground, laughs at you, then steps on some of the broken glass while trying to walk away. That's another emergency room visit.
Burned Grey: Before you can ask her anything, she sets the both of you and the entire bar on fire.
Opportunist: I don't think I need to explain why asking him is a bad idea. He gives your drink away to the first person who asks. Actually, they probably don't even need to ask.
Anyway have fun and be responsible this holiday season also feel free to add any additions/corrections you have, bye.
#can you tell ive got work im procrastinating#slay the princess#stp#im not tagging everyone#addendums for the tags:#WW might be able to move those branch things like arms but it's unclear how much mobility she has#cheated gets to be top of d tier despite destroying your drink bc he had good intentions#but he is life's pinata#contrarian's placement may vary depending on how you feel about coke zero#drowned grey wants you to try her homebrewed kombucha (it tastes bad)#also im aware the image for tlq is actually one of the PATD chibis#but i think it looks cuter than the mirror image so im using it
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My brain is on fire same I can’t sleep and am thinking of this:
The way she writes about marriage/family/commitment through these different situations across the album is soooooooooo interesting.
You have a very intense first experience of it in “The Manuscript,” where it is first dangled in front of her/the narrator’s young, impressionable self as shorthand for real love in a situation that ended up being smoke and mirrors. She’s being told everything she wants to hear by someone who basically thinks it’s just foreplay. In the end, when it’s clear that the other person has no intention of actually making a life with her, it makes her feel used, but she forces herself to recalibrate and become the girl she thinks he and all the other hes want her to be. Easy breezy cool. But there’s a sense of loss in realizing those hopes were merely banter to the other.
You have the “grown up” version of it alluded to in “So Long, London” and “How Did It End?”, the years of putting in work to save a relationship and the “deflation of our dreaming leaving [her] bereft and reeling” leading to them “calling it all off.” The implication is clearly that they built a home together with plans for next steps at a point in time, but the commitment is shattered. (Obviously to me it sounds like marriage.) She’s bitter at spending her “prime” years with someone who ultimately didn’t want to be there, even if he couldn’t or wouldn’t admit it himself.
She felt like she did everything she was supposed to, but they were learning the right steps to different dances at as it were. Those dreams were at one point shared, but in the end they weren’t right for each other and she admits that, though bitterly (“I founded the club she’s heard great things about” eg the years she put in for him to help him grow up will end up benefiting his new lover, “but I’m not the one,” “you’ll find someone,” etc.). Mixed in with all this of her resentment of him wasting her youth (sacrificing herself at the altar), and his resentment of her for reasons less defined, and insinuations of betrayal in the shadows. The fantasy of the whole package disappears into the ether, yet she still has no answers as to how they got there.
Then in comes the wolf in sheep’s clothing in many of the rest of the songs, the one who promises her all those things she’s dreamed of since she was a kid instantly. After years of moulding herself to other men’s desires, someone comes in and tells her exactly what she wants to hear at the most vulnerable time of her life, as though the universe is answering her prayers, like some sort of cosmic payback for all she’s suffered, and it’s the most intoxicating drug of all. She’s gone from her wish for a family life feeling like she’s in a way being used for her body, to it being used as a chain to a relationship gone sour, to having someone put a metaphorical ring on her finger and tell her he wants to have babies with her, fuck those other guys.
In her grief and stupor, it’s too good to be true, which is exactly why she falls for it. But of course, it’s all an illusion, because this wolf is an amalgamation of the worst of all the men who came before him. He tells her everything she wants to hear not to make her dreams come true, but to make his. He takes the worst parts of these scenarios to make his move: he’ll stand by her, he’ll commit, he’ll do it out in the open under the spotlight’s glare (all things desperately lacking in her last relationship), but after he beds her he stabs her in the back in private and leaves her. He got what he wanted at the expense of her losing everything she wanted, this time as her world caved in seemingly for good. She feels like she gave up everything she thought she might have had for a chance that this is where the universe has been point her all along, only to be left broken for good (you represent the loss of my life as I knew it).
Then there are two sort of codas to this. In “But Daddy I Love Him” we get a sassier reimagining of “Love Story,” where the girl with the scarlet letter is mouthy and crass and tells everyone to go fuck themselves for cursing her in the first place, choosing her love above all else. And no, those haters can’t come to her wedding. Her daddy may have come around, but they sure can’t. Finally it seems someone is choosing her and will someday give her these things, and she’ll be able to show all the naysayers. (Also interestingly one of the more fictionally-veiled songs which ends happily vs the diaristic ones that don’t.)
Then of course there’s “So High School,” our first glimpse into what the future holds. Probably the only unabashedly happy (nay… electric?) song on the album, it’s all about reclaiming the buzz of youth (which is a whole other post) with a new lover. “Are you gonna marry, kiss or kill me? It’s just a game but really, I’m betting on all three for us two.” It’s, er, a direct nod to a certain now-infamous interview, but again, she’s staking her claim on her future, if not certain then at least hopeful again. This time the prospect doesn’t come with a “but.” It’s not, we’ll be pushing strollers but actually you’re too young. It’s not, we had these dreams for our future but actually I can’t move forward. It’s not, I’m going to promise you a ring and a baby but only until my needs are met and then I’m out. It’s, I know what I wanted and I’m not leaving, and thanks to that now she stays too.
The album dealt with the theme not at all in the way I expected, but is absolutely fascinating.
#writing letters addressed to the fire#me thinking too hard about Taylor lyrics#the tortured poets department#i have many thoughts#No brain power
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okay i need to talk about the Voice of the Hero (this became a much longer ramble than i expected but here you go)
throughout the game, the Hero almost never takes action. he'll express his disapproval, he'll make his case as hard as he can, but he never defies your choices or moves your hand. most of the time, once you've made a choice he disagrees with he'll even back your play. many times the Hero tells the other voices that the player is "the decider", and that they shouldn't be doing things against his will.
the only times i can think of when the Hero takes action are to prevent the player from acting against their will. he tries to stop the Broken from making us kill ourself, and even then only when the Narrator reminds him he can do so. he tries to stop Skeptic and Paranoid from preventing you from throwing away the blade in the Cage, but they physically overpower him (lmao). he keeps the body alive in Nightmare, but only after Paranoid shows him its possible; similarly, he'll help us throw ourselves into the basement in the Wraith, but only after Paranoid/Cheated suggest it and the player agrees. maybe there's other examples i'm forgetting or haven't seen yet (i am so close to 100 percenting this game but not quite yet) but these are the only examples i could come up with.
most of the other voices, meanwhile, do take action at one point or another. the only ones that don't (at least not that i can remember), are the Cold (who doesn't much care what you all do and likes having a decider to cut boring arguments short) and the Opportunist (who's whole thing is sucking up to whoever's in charge). the Hero, though, doesn't have such a clear cut reason. sure, an argument could be made that part of his heroic-ness is preserving the players agency, but you could just as easily argue that a hero would try to stop the player from ending the world or from slaying Princesses the Hero trusts. i think the real reason he doesn't act on his own is that he doesn't believe in himself.
in the Razor, the Hero says that he's "terrible at spotting liars", and in the Nightmare he asks the Paranoid to decide who to trust because he doesn't trust his own judgement. if you leave with the Princess at the end of the game, he thanks you for making the hard choices along the way. the Hero will always side with you; even if you ignore him and choose to slay Princesses he trusts, even if you decide to force him into an eternity of boredom he very much does not want (while the Skeptic does fight back against you), whatever it is, the Hero decides to trust your judgement over his own. (i think the only time you can actually get him to give up on you is pledging to the Tower? and even then all he does is sulk in a corner, he doesn't try to stop you from acting on your decision, even though its going to end the world.)
the thing is, most of the time i appreciate the Hero for letting us make our own choices, but sometimes the voices' actions are good. the Hunted's reflexes are the best example, and that's not the only time a voice takes control and helps keep us alive. but the Hero never intervenes on his own -- not until the very end of the game.
if the player tries to reject his help during the final battle, the Hero tells you that he's taking you to the heart anyways. he knows this is what you need to do, he knows this is the only way you can do what you've decided to do - so he ignores you, and he saves you. he's still backing your plays, he's still helping with your goals rather than overriding them, but he knows what he's doing. he's confident in himself, and he ignores your choice because he knows he can help you. and he's right!
#i love him your honor#he's just so silly and sweet and then! he gets his big moment! he finally believes in himself!#voice of the hero#slay the princess
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I LOVE YOU, I'M SORRY — gojo satoru
prologue. → gojo was always charming, maddening and impossibly brilliant. a gift and a curse to the world. the love of your life, the loss of your life, the one that got away. you can only sit alone with his cold, lifeless form and wonder where it all went wrong. how do you mourn a star that burned itself out for the sake of the sky?
pairing. gojo satoru x on/off ex!reader
warnings+. heavy angst, flashbacks of a whirlwind and not so healthy relationship, description of death and injuries and what comes after the heart stops beating, suggestive content but nothing explicit. u could interpret this as unreliable narrator who didn't quite see gojo properly, or that gojo just wasn't a good partner to keep things interesting?
word count. 1.9k song inspiration. i love you, i'm sorry — gracie abrams
a/n. this was actually meant to be sweet but suddenly reader became an ex. and well...it snowballed 😁 peep the ttpd reference in the prologue
mp3. a habit to kick, the age-old curse. i tend to laugh whenever i'm sad, i stare at the crash, it actually works. making amends, this shit never ends. i'm wrong again.
there was no funeral for gojo.
and right now, the room smells of heavy antiseptics and medicated disinfectant. sterile white walls seem to echo every tick, tick of the clock, every scrape of shoko's surgical tools against the metal tray. but there is little that cuts deeper than the silence.
gojo's body lies in four neat pieces on the long table, stitched in places that cannot possibly hold him together, laid out like a broken constellation. shoko has allowed you to stay here, perhaps some form of pity?
you just sit in the corner of the lab, knees pulled to your chest and trembling with the effort it takes to keep breathing.
gojo satoru was always meant to burn out, wasn't he? he had been a lit match, vibrant and untouchable, like a streak of blue wildfire that seared much too hot, too fast.
satoru had been bruised fingertips on your rocking hips, he had been clashing teeth and tugged cherry-bitten lips, sweet caramel dissolving on your tongue.
he had been screaming matches in the rain, slams of an apartment door, a vicious and cruel tongue when provoked.
what he wasn't meant to be was a multitude of patchwork pieces, coated in patches of day-old rusty blood and shards of bone.
you just didn't think that someone like him belonged in this fragile, porcelain world. gojo had laughed too loud for it, fought too hard, loved too recklessly. its bitter to think of now — a cosmic power in a body of flesh and blood.
how could someone like him have ever lived to see his twilight years?
but you still always thought that he would. you thought of his arrogance, the small curl of his lips as he crowed on with a shadow in his jewel-tone eyes, "don't worry, i'm the strongest, remember?"
and so, you thought you had time. time to heal wounds that you had both inflicted on each other. time to try again.
but now there was no time. no gojo. just you, left to pick up the pieces of sukuna's little mercy.
shoko works quietly, and her hands are steady, a mask pulled over her face as tools gleam under the harsh light. she's running stitches through flesh that was once warm under your skin. you watch as she runs rolls of small bandages over his bisected waist, bandages imbued with special spells for gojo's posthumous...plan.
"i can't promise anything, you know. even if i put him back together, it will never be him. just okkotsu." the shadows around shoko's pretty eyes are ever deeper, violet and blue bruising the tired ache that paints her face.
what an awful and cruel plan. the ache in your heart is too great to even consider the trial that the young yuta is yet to face, to have to step into another's body. what a perversion of the world. but your mind lingers on the harsh reality that gojo must have known that there was no other ending to this story.
and you wonder briefly about whether he had finally reached the peace that he had sought. whether that those last moments, lying in the snow like a butchered and wounded animal had been painless. had the world gone quiet in his ears as snow fell around him? had he been glad of the end?
you don't respond to shoko. what could you say? there's nothing to fix. gojo is gone, and no amount of polypropylene sutures or reverse cursed technique could sew him back into the man who had leaned against the doorframe of your room last week, grinning with his haori thrown around his shoulders.
"you just take things too seriously," he had teased, mirth tickling his voice, poking around for a provocation, "i didn't even mean it like that. let's go get something to eat downstairs." "fuck you, satoru!" you had been furious with him at the time, he had drawn your ire with some pointless tussle and barbed comment. you had been launching a comb at him which only just deflected away from his infinity, when he had laughed. "all right, let me know when you feel better, pretty," and he had tugged his haori back over his broad frame, "we can do other things too, if you like. y'know, if you're still feeling hot-headed." "get out, you dog!" "love you too." and the great gojo satoru, a fuckin' grown man, has just giggled. and winked audaciously, as he practically sauntered away.
now his ridiculous smile is a ghost, and you wonder if you’ll ever stop seeing it when you close your eyes.
you've risen from your chair slowly, every joint stiff as if the grief has taken root in your bones, curling poison ivy around your limbs that make you want to tear your nails into your own skin.
the surgical table feels close, too far, too unbearable. but you reach out still, as your fingers tremble, and you let them hover over whatever is left of him. it's his right arm, only loosely held together by rough stitches.
touching him now is like plunging your hand into a winter river. it's cold, unyielding and so profoundly wrong. the skin beneath your fingers has lost all the elasticity of life, no longer soft of warm, but stiff in an alien way. there's a bitter clinging in the back of your throat when you wonder how shoko does this everyday. it's like touching the husk of something that was once sacred to you, and you trace the faint lines of veins, now a ghostly blue beneath waxen skin. the arm is heavy, dead weight against the table.
and there's the smell, faint but inescapable. the metallic tang of blood, now dried to a dark, rusted maroon. it lingers in the air, and you close your eyes to stop yourself from losing the contents of your stomach.
It’s like touching the husk of something once sacred, a relic robbed of its divine warmth.
your hand trembles as you pull away, the cold clinging to your palm like a memory you can’t shake. you want to scrub it off, to erase the feeling, but it’s already etched into your skin, into your mind. the absence of warmth feels like a punishment, a reminder of what you’ve lost and what you can never have back.
"i should've —" the words choke in your throat, sharp and jagged. you swallow them, but they’re stuck, just like the tears that refuse to fall. "i should've done more."
shoko glances up, her gaze as piercing as the scalpels she wields. "you did everything you could. so did satoru."
your eyes blur as they fix on his lifeless form, but now you're no longer seeing cold flesh on the table. no, you're somewhere else, far softer and far sweeter. somewhere before the world had turned to ash in your hands.
you're seventeen again, standing outside your favourite bakery after school, laughing so hard your ribs hurt. because gojo had just tried to bribe the shop owner for an extra box of mochi with a lopsided grin and misguided charm. the elderly woman behind the till had told him to get lost, before muttering something about the youths of the day were rude geezers.
gojo had always been like that, over the top and dramatic, dragging you into his whirlwind without asking, but you hadn't minded. not then.
every day he had brought home something, a sugar-dusted pastry, a delicate cake, a flimsy excuse to see you smile as he'd thrust the treat into your hands like he had conquered the world, and didn't he say that there was nothing in the world as sweet as your kisses?
you drank him in like honey, not realising how it would one day sour on your tongue.
and you still remember the day that gojo came home, buzzing with energy, his usual swagger somehow dialed up to an eleven. he could barely sit still as you watched him pace your shared apartment, his words tumbling out in excited burst. you had laughed and asked what on earth was going on with your sweet boyfriend, but had only grinned before reaching into his pocket and kneeling on the worn, wooden floor.
the ring had been small and simple, a thin silver band with a single shining gem — but knowing the spending habits of the head of the gojo clan, it must have been illustrious in its price. wide-eyed and earnest, for once, he had been stripped of all his bravado.
"i'm going to marry you," he had said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. as if you weren't already his, body and soul. heart and hands.
god, you had wanted this more than anything. you had said yes, a squealing and gushing yes! gojo had slipped the ring on your finger with hands that shook just a little, and the two of you had...rechristened almost every surface in the apartment that night.
but then, it was over. slowly at first, like the creeping edge of frost, until one day it felt like you were standing in the middle of a blizzard.
the kisses turned sharp, fleeting, like a blade grazing your skin. loving hands became cold and distant on one another, pulling away as if the other’s touch burned. you started slamming doors in anger, avoiding him in the quiet spaces of your home. and when you couldn’t avoid him, your words became weapons, dripping with venom and spite. he gave as good as he got — every snarky comment from your lips was met with one from his. pride clashed with pride, and neither of you would bend, not even for love.
the breaking point came after that mission. the one where everything had gone wrong. a cursed spirit of impossible strength. you’d taken a blow meant for him — too fast, too reckless — and nearly didn’t come back from it. you remember the blood, the way it soaked into the earth beneath you as gojo shouted your name over and over again, a sound you thought might split the sky.
you’d lived, somehow, but the cracks in your foundation were too wide to ignore. that night, you’d stood in front of the bathroom mirror, staring at the ring on your finger, and finally let yourself bawl. when you’d slipped it off, it felt like your heart had gone with it.
what gojo didn’t know — what he never found out, would never find out now — was that you hadn’t discarded it. you couldn’t. even in the worst of it, when the fights left you shattered and raw, you couldn’t let it go. the tiny band of silver stayed tucked in your pocket, a quiet weight against your heart, a reminder of what could’ve been.
now, as you sit here, staring at what’s left of him, that weight feels unbearable. you reach into your pocket, your fingers brushing against the cool metal, and pull it out. the gem glints faintly in the fluorescent light, as if mocking you.
i still loved you, you think, the words echoing hollowly in your chest. i’m sorry.
but it’s too late now. too late for apologies, too late for second chances, too late for anything but this — grief that swallows you whole, a storm with no end in sight.
the ring slips from your trembling hand, clinking softly as it falls to the floor.
#gojo x reader#gojo satoru#jjk#jjk x reader#gojo satoru x reader#gojo angst#jjk angst#jujutsu kaisen x reader#jujutsu kaisen#jujutsu kaisen angst#gojo satoru angst#satoru gojo#gojo x you#works
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An analysis of the voices in Moment of Clarity
Before we get into the analysis, a little note:
1- I am mostly trying to show how the trauma has affected each voice compared to them on their normal routes. If they have deviations in other chapters and I have stated them as trauma responses, correct me.
2- I tried my best but some voices are just difficult 😭. So sorry if I couldn't give a satisfying explanation to your favourite.
Without further ado, let's begin:
Firstly, it should be noted that what exactly happened after you decided to stay with The Nightmare is something not even the voices themselves are sure about. But what we do know is that whatever the events were they were horrific. The voices have tried everything up to this point except freeing her. And since nothing was working and it was only making things worse, they are effectively useless now. Even the Narrator acknowledges that they are all extremely traumatized.
So let's see how these voices handle trauma.
1) The Voice of the Broken:
The voice of the Broken has shown incredible resilience and empathy in the past. And in this route he is somehow even more broken. He is also on the "Free the Princess" team, however he only wants to do it because he wants this misery to end. He has the most interesting explanation as to why we(the player) can't remember being here through all those lifetimes.
"Maybe you're shattered in your own way."
Ding Ding Ding. We've found the trauma response. The Broken has been shattered more than he already was. His will and empathy have run out. Where once he probably tried accepting the Princess, the Princess just shattered them further. He just wants to be done with it. As he says, "She smashes us to smaller pieces."
2) The Voice of the Cheated:
The voice of the cheated is the only voice to comment on the absurdity of us having so many voices. And he says it as if he's complaining about it. It's the only thing he can really do in that situation really. The Cheated does NOT like losing. But after complaining for so long and ultimately getting no where, he just accepts defeat at this point.
"It doesnt matter what we do. Because we always find her. And if we don't find her, she always finds us."
Subsequently he is on the "I don't fucking care what happens anymore" team. That isn't to say he doesn't want this to end. He does but he has just given up on trying to 'win' and get an ending. Effectively he wants to quit now. And he doesn't care if it's by completing the game or hitting alt+f4.
3) The Voice of the Smitten:
The voice of the Smitten has an interesting trauma response. The relation here is almost parallel to the relation Broken has with The Tower, except somehow worse. Smitten is incapable of seeing faults in the Princess. And when questioned if we really do love her after all shes done to us he tries to justify his love by saying
"To be given an ounce of kindness from something so pure would be more pure than any other love."
After we say that the voices in our head are wrong, he replies
"She is the ONLY THING that's right."
The Smitten is heartbroken. He's like that ex you broke up with but he still texts 'I love you' every night. Except the Princess has probably toyed with the Smittens love. But the Smitten can't not love her. So he decides he must become good enough to earn the love of "our cruel and beautiful godess". And the only way to do that is to free her. He doesn't want freedom he wants affection.
4) The Voice of the Hunted:
The Hunted was already one of the weaker voices mentally. Here he's just completely silent. He has like 6 lines the whole route. Which is only 1 more than the Stubborn. The Hunted is scared. He is almost paranoid. He doesn't even tell us to do this or that. He doesn't even comment on the mirror.
I personally feel Hunted was so broken that like a scared animal he decided it was better to hide. He does speak out in agreement to Cold when he says we sealed our fate by not killing her. Interestingly, the response is very minimal. Primitive even.
"Kill or be killed."
Which if you know Hunted, is not a normal response. He usually wants to run or hide. He never wants to kill, just survive. But here he says it would have been better to just kill. So whatever Nightmare did has made Hunted go from run to hide to kill or be killed. Wow! This is like prey animal that when cornered will just lash out in violence if they have no other choice. And that's exactly what Hunted is.
Now we start getting into some really interesting deviations.
5) The Voice of the Opportunist:
The voice of the Opportunist is so unbelievably broken its unreal. First thing to note is he already has an opinion. Secondly, he defends his own opinion. That isn't very opportunistic. He doesn't even flip flop like in his other routes. He's so different in this one, almost as if he's gained empathy as a response to trauma. He eve tries to comfort other voices like the Broken.
"You did your best really. There's just a pecking order."
And he is the only voice who tries explaining to Skeptic why his constant questions are bothering them. He does it in a positive way as well.
"They're good questions. Great questions even. But they just don't have any answers."
And he clearly doesn't care what the others think about him at this point. He's also the few voices that have some semblance of sense. Like when Cold tells them to be unfeeling, Oppy says,
"He's not wrong. He's the only smart one left if you ask me."
Again a very different opinion from the rest of the voices that deem Cold to be a nuisance. He's in the minority here. And yet when you return and start making choices, he's so relieved.
"I'm sure whatever you settle on, it'll be the best possible decision you could've made."
The reason he's relieved is because there is someone actually in control. There is a decision maker he can agree with. Finally, someone to try and suade. But this is still the most resolute we've ever seen him.
6) The Voice of the Stubborn:
He is probably the most fed up with everyone else's bullshit. Interestingly though on this route he isn't urging us to face the Princess. The only route where he isn't in a hurry to reach the cabin. He has completely lost the spirit to fight. If you got knocked out, this Stubborn could not revive you. He still wants to get physical, just can't. Who's he supposed to fight? The Princess? That's already been tried. The other voices? Now that's an idea.
"Shut up. You {Contrarion} were here."
Fight me. It's right there he wants Contrarion to punch him so he can punch him.
"Ugh. Here you {Skeptic} go philosophising again. It never goes anywhere."
I'm mocking you what you gonna do about it? Fight me. But it's hopeless. He can't even be bothered to instigate a fight anymore. But he's the macho man. What will the others think of him if he isn't aggresive? The truth is others don't really care. But he does. So he says to smash the mirror. Partly cause he wants to feel the spark of a fight again, partly cause that's what others expect of him.
7) The Voice of the Paranoid:
He is STRESSED. To the point he's constantly thinking about the Princess. He only has one goal in mind. Free the Princess. Escape. Get out of here. Make the thoughts stop!!!!
Such a precious broken boi. He just wants peace. He states,
"(Freeing her) It's the only way to get our thoughts back."
He can also feel eyes on him. Not sure if that's just Para being Para or due to trauma. But he is growing restless because of it.
"She's watching us. She never stops watching us."
He also doesn't talk much. Like he's scared the princess will hear him. He was always quiet but he's unnaturally quiet. He also really really wants to free the Princess. Overall he's Paranoid, can't think about anything except wanting to free the Princess so he can have his thoughts back.
8) The Voice of the Contrarion:
Contrarion has always been a nihilist. Nothing matters so let's just have fun cue laughter. However, here we can't really have fun. So his attitude becomes, nothing matters cue laughter. Which just makes him seem so sad.
"There's no difference between fine and not fine. It just goes on and on."
We know that Contrarion does hate himself. But here he's trying so hard to hide it here. He does not want to look at himself. He doesn't even want to think about himself. When Skeptic starts to question identity. He's also been asked this before but he would rather look away than look at himself.
"Yes this is far from the first time you've asked us about consciousness. (In a mocking tone) 'Who am I?', 'What am I?'; (Angrily) What is 'I'? Who even cares."
The Nightmare has broken him so much but he'd rather ignore it. When the voices are telling us what to do with the mirror in the cabin, he says
"Just go around it."
He's so done with himself. He doesn't even want to look at himself. He thinks that the most disgusting thing he could see HIMSELF. Not only this he tries to dodge almost every question we pose.
"What does here even mean if you think about it?"
He doesn't want to acknowledge anything even remotely related to him. Where was I? It doesn't matter, nobody really cares about me.... atleast I don't.
9) The Voice of the Cold:
The voice of the Cold has barely been affected. Makes sense. But what's interesting about him is he has actually been affected. He either doesn't know or he is purposely ignoring it. He has become more irritable. He develops a form of empathy. He has some pity.
" I've tried to keep them numb but they are all too soft. A shame, really."
That doesn't sound like the backseat driver Cold we know? Cold wants to help the other voices but he well can't.
"You're lucky you haven't been stuck here like the rest of them. There's no other way to keep going. You either need to forget or you need to stop feeling much of anything. They can't do either."
The Cold tried to help them. But the nature of the voices doesn't let them be helped. Cold is severely disappointed because of this. He even blames the player for ending up in this position when he says,
"You sealed our fate when you refused to kill her."
He just wants the player to make decisions independent of the voices. He's seen what they all do. He sees that it always ends in losses. He thinks the player was there when the other voices were having a try. He thinks the player was just listening to their requests.
"You always give too much space to others. It's why you always lose."
He is also the chattiest in this route. He also has many lines where he just tells us to be unfeeling. He's trying to protect us as well. But he's also bored. And he just wants it to end because he's bored.
10) The Voice of the Skeptic:
Possibly the most broken of the bunch. He is TRAUMATIZED. Normally, Skeptic is the most grounded. He's the guy who always has a plan. But here? He's useless. He realises this. And just breaks. He can't answer any question. How many times have we been here?
"Many many many many times."
Skeptic, wheres the numbers? Was I here?
"Are you your memories? Or are you the one perceiving the present moment?"
For someone who really loves answers, he sure doesn't seem to have any. The most logical voice being turned completely insane. He can't accept anything.
"Can we love something that hates us? Can we love something that hurts us?"
He's trying to distract himself. He doesn't want to think about the situation. He doesn't want to THINK. That's so bizarre. The Nightmare has broken Skeptic so much he doesn't want to do the one thing he loves to do. In fact when we reach the Long Quiet his first words are,
"I can finally think again."
11) The Voice of the Hero:
The voice of the Hero has a reaction that would make anyone furious at the nightmare for what she did to our boy. Hero is normally jocund, enthusiastic, understanding, and overall lovely. But here he is depressed. He doesn't talk much which is unusual. He always has something to say. But he's just so defeated. When the Narrator tells you the only thing you can do is go to the cabin, Hero replies
"Or you could just give up."
Hero says that. Not Broken. Hero. Our Hero. The one who is always encouraging us through our journey. The one we can trust no matter the circumstances. Our best friend. This line is the most terrifying part of Moment of Clarity. If we had any optimism going in, it had left us in this moment.
"You're lucky. What I would give to be able to forget."
Please someone comfort our boy. He deserves all the chocolates in the world.
In the Long Quiet
Once you reach the Long Quiet the voices seem to ease up a little. They see death within arms reach and think it a mercy. As Hero puts it:
"Something tells me this is the end of the line, but I don't feel bad about it. I'm ready."
Which is a striking contrast to his usual plea to not look at it. His fear of death is converted to a longing of it. Which could be seen as a another proof of why the Narrator's utopia is wrong. Because people who have lived a nightmare long for change and even death. And so he is at ease.
The Broken says,
"It feels okay."
Which is huge for our boi. Broken never feels alright. He is always sad or depressed. Something is always not okay with him. But after living through a nightmare, things finally seem okay. And so he is at ease.
The Paranoid says
"The fear's gone."
Again an amazing development. Paranoid always feels watched, and he's scared of who it is and why is he being watched. But in his final moments, living through a nightmare, he realises that the fear has no place in him anymore. And so he is at ease.
The Stubborn says,
"I'm done fighting."
This statement is a confession. He had long lost the spark for a fight, but here he can finally admit it. He doesn't want to fight anymore. He doesn't want to resist anymore. He wants to let go, and he does. And so he is at ease.
The Smitten says
"My heart feels quiet."
The fire of passion is fierce. And here it burns the Smitten. He wanted affection. He desired a connection with the Princess. His heart was incapable of doing anything but. Now as he is unraveled, his passion is extinguished. His heart is quiet. He never did get the affection he desired but realised he didn't need it. And so he is at ease.
The Cheated says,
"The game was always going to end."
For him, this is an ending screen for a rage game. He hated the experience the whole way through. He constantly faced losses. But he persevered. And so he found the ending. After all, no matter how extensive the game was, it was always going to end. He is glad he didn't quit. He got to see the ending. And so he is at ease.
The Cold says,
"I'll be free of all of you."
The worst part about this nightmare wasn't the nightmare itself. It was the fact it was hurting the ones around him. They got hurt abd yet he was as unfeeling as ever. He knew he had to be right. After all, wasn't he the only sane one left? Now as death approaches, he doesn't have to help carry the burden of others. And so he is at ease.
The Skeptic says,
"I'm ready for the truth."
The Skeptic was thoroughly broken throughout this experience. A man of reality shatters when reality shatters. And the thinker's response to doubt is to seek. But no answers were present in the nightmare. Now there is something that is very clear in purpose. Something easy to test. The mirror is death? Alright then let's see the truth. There are answers again. And so he is at ease.
The Hunted says,
"I'm ready to sleep."
An animal who has tried everything to protect itself and failed over and over again. A wounded creature who was pushed to his limits. But he is very tired now. He tried his very best. Yet it seems death is inevitable. He has remained vigilant and fearful throughout the nightmare. Now he feels safe enough to rest. And so he is at ease.
The Contrarion says,
"I'm just ready to be anywhere that isn't here."
The nightmare had shown him how low of a person he could be. He has come to associate that version of himself with those wretched circumstances. As he leaves that place behind he leaves behind his self hatred. He wants to get on with it already. He finds esteem in himself and his voice now echoes with joy and pride. And so he is at ease.
The Opportunist says,
"Boys..... it's been an honour."
The one who has never experienced true connection. The one who is constantly at odds with himself and everyone. Throughout the nightmare he garners genuine connection and empathy. He realises that the ones he should truly support are those that he loves not those that are the top of a pecking order. He finally finds that connection in this moment with the others. And so he is at ease.
And so they are at ease.
#slay the princess#analysis#voice of the cold#voice of the skeptic#voice of the broken#voice of the smitten#voice of the opportunist#voice of the paranoid#voice of the hero#voice of the cheated#voice of the hunted#voice of the stubborn#voice of the contrarian#very long post#sorry for the long wait y'all#this was so much fun#but oh boy was it tiring#enjoy
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