#even the ‘socially acceptable’ ones like anxiety and depression

[nonebinary-leftbeef]

His ass would NOT list five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste

[myun-saidthoughts]

˗ˏˋ ⭐ ˎˊ˗ Astrology Observations ˗ˏˋ ⭐ ˎˊ˗

🌟 The placement of Pluto in your chart can reveal the theme of pain or transformation you might experience in this life—pain that serves as a catalyst for profound internal and mental shifts within yourself.

The depth of pain will be dependent on your own choices; if you choose to ignore red flags the harsher and more severe the wake up call would be.

Pluto in the 5th house: Struggles might emerge from overindulgence in impulsive or immature choices, such as gambling or seeking joy in fleeting pleasures (such as affairs or short term relationships). Poor choices may manifest because there's a need of deep inner child healing, which could cause deeper emotional wounds in the process. The extremes of choosing quick fun can lead into a habit of poor decision making.  Pluto in the 7th house: Challenges and transformative pain often arise through intimate romantic relationships, pushing you to confront deep-seated patterns and fears. If you keep choosing people who won't choose you or if you rely on others for a sense of self, identity or acceptance then the wake up call would be more prominent or severe. Pluto in the 11th house: Painful experiences may come through friendships or involvement in communities, leading to shifts in how you connect with and trust others. If you find yourself relying on others or seeking external validation through communities, friend groups, or social connections, the wake-up call may lead you to recognize your own worth and embrace yourself as you are, without needing acknowledgment from others. Pluto in the 12th house: Ignoring your psyche or mental struggles can lead to self-unraveling. The more you avoid or dismiss your internal mental health setbacks, the deeper and more painful the lessons will become. You may not even be aware of your emotional needs, but the longer you avoid confronting your sensitivity or past wounds—whether from childhood or relationships—the harder it will be to redefine your self-concept and belief system. You may even experience a revelation about yourself after overcoming depression or anxiety, which can help you understand yourself better. However, remember that being introspective and aware doesn't always mean you're truly feeling your feelings. You may know what to think or how to act, but it’s crucial to connect the emotions you've been holding onto with the feelings beneath them.

Pluto placed in less interactive houses may have a less intense theme, but if you also have Chiron in the same house, its influence can become much more prominent and life-changing, amplifying the potential for deep healing or painful growth.

🌟 If you have many inner planets in your 5th, 7th, or 8th house, you're more likely to seek out romantic connections, desire a partner, or long for one—even if you’ve experienced emotional turmoil in your childhood due to your parents or past partners.

🌟 If you have many inner planets in your 1st, 2nd, or 12th house, you’re less likely to be open to a connection. Subconsciously, you might desire or wish for someone to be “your person,” but you may never allow yourself to fully give in.

🌟 With 8th house synastry, the intensity of this connection swings between unspoken loyalty and complete avoidance—one extreme driven by the fear of showing disinterest, and the other by the fear of being a burden. If you’re not preoccupied with displaying your loyalty to them in a room full of people, you find yourself avoiding eye contact or minimizing conversation to maintain a facade of “normalcy”—a normalcy that doesn’t truly exist in this connection.

🌟 Pisces/Scorpio placements may have a strong tendency to seek deep emotional experiences during times of creativity. They often search for a specific feeling or emotional state as a catalyst to create art or writing.

🌟 Aquarius placements, especially Moon or Rising, often struggle with avoidance as one of their worst traits in any relationships they navigate—whether romantic, platonic, or even with themselves.

🌟 Scorpios are known for their extreme loyalty. Once they choose you, they are deeply committed and unlikely to leave unless a traumatic emotional blockage arises within the relationship.

🌟 Scorpio risings can have beautiful striking eyes, and because of that their eyes can heavily influence appearance. Their eyes may even become an ice breaker for conversations/be talked about a-lot.

🌟 Aries + Libra axis turnover rate when it comes to relationships is incredibly high. Moving on to the next can come naturally to them unless they have other placements that contradicts that tendency.

🌟 Air signs need intellectual stimulation; they need to feel excited and curious with you.

🌟 8th House placements (esp. Moon or Sun) or Scorpio placements are incredibly private towards the public. They naturally will not post on social media: no instagram stories, tweets, memes, their thoughts or feelings willingly and openly.

This is because

At a young age their needs, thoughts or wishes were ignored and pushed to the side for others sake and so they now have coped to never share their own inner thoughts or feelings to others.

They've been burned or hurt in the past by someone they've trusted, and now they don't share or openly state their true feelings outwardly towards others.

If they have a Taurus/Libra/Leo IC or Gemini/Sagittarius/placements then the chances of sharing themselves online is more likely.

🌟 In 8th/Pluto + 12th/Neptune house synastry connections, if you two are not on speaking terms sudden lows may occur when you're reminded of what was.

If it's been weeks or months since you've both talked and one random day they watch your story on your social media a sudden longing for them may come.

If you run into them and the conversation didn't amount to what you wished for, a low may come and you'll feel as if the relationship is completely over.

🌟 8th house synastry amounts to constant cycles and loops, if you're not wishing for them, you say you're over them.

There could be an emotional block between you two and the desire for them may diminish but If they look at you for one second the way they used too, the desire for them will arise as if the feeling never left.

🌟 In 12th house and Neptune synastry, you might covertly share song lyrics on your social media, hoping they’ll read them and sense that the lyrics are meant as a message for them. Instead of expressing your feelings face-to-face, posting these lyrics in a "hidden" way feels safer.

And if so, you yourself may wonder if anything they publicly post, say, or do is a secret message for you.

You may even go out of your way to somehow find a perfect song that depicts the relationship between you two and use that song as a indirect message to state your true feelings without having to outwardly verbalize them.

(The above statement is more true for those who have Pisces, 12th house, Neptune influence in their cart)

🌟 3rd house synastry creates ease with communication, especially if there's 4th house synastry as well, and if the planets involved are the Sun, Moon, or Venus.

🌟 For 12th house synastry to cause intense idealizations, thoughts, dreams, wishes or obsessiveness there has to be attraction involved, the more attracted you are to them the more you'll idealize them.

🌟 A Neptune/12th house person and a planet person can both experience intense desire, longing, or overthinking, but the way they process these feelings depends on their individual natal charts.

🌟 With 8th and 12th house synastry connections, you might never actually date the person, yet the emotions they evoke within you can feel as profound and intimate as if you had.

🌟 Neptune and 12th house synastry: "You are perfect for me; you feel like everything I could ever wish for in someone."

If you're avoidant, this feeling can be terrifying because it brings a sense of inadequacy, as if you could never live up to the idealized version of yourself they see. You'll long for them deeply, but the way they look at you may feel unsettling, foreign, or out of place. Even if they seem like your dream person, self-doubt can drive you to run. You might fear disappointing them or feel you’ll never measure up to the partner they deserve. You'll view them as some sort of prize from a distance and you'll search for them in other connections but you'll never allow yourself to choose them, not like they choose you.

If you're anxious, this feeling will strike a familiar chord, it'll resonate so deeply within and letting go will seem impossible. You'll feel this pull toward them, you'll feel as if they’re your muse, your catharsis, and you'll wish that they were your person. Even without words, you'll sense that they want you, and this silent connection will consume your thoughts. You’ll compare the way they make you feel to everyone else, and you'll search for that same intensity in other people's gazes. You’ll sit in your head, wondering if your wishes align with theirs, questioning if they feel the same. Over time, you’ll realize the emotions they stir in you are unmatched, which leads you to hold onto the connection longer than you should, you'll rather wish on the what could be's than accept what is.

🌟 Pisces or 12th house placements often turn to writing or art as a means of expressing their inner thoughts, feelings, and longings. The more they feel, the more their creativity flows.

🌟 If you have water placements or planets in water houses (4th, 8th, 12th), deep emotions are embedded within you. The more you avoid these feelings, the more likely physical symptoms such as anxiety or mental struggles will occur. It's your body’s way of processing the hidden emotions you’ve learned to suppress. These unaddressed feelings can manifest in subtle, physical ways, and it's a reflection of the emotional turmoil beneath the surface.

🌟 With 8th house synastry, the second and I mean very second there's a emotional block between you two the deep seated desire for them becomes less intense.

Ex: If you also share 12th house synastry with them, parts of their actions will feel like subtle hints that are meant for you, in essence you want to believe you are more important to them than others, and you feel like you are. But once something comes to light or if you were shown that what you thought to be wasn't the case, the realization creates emotional distance and the desire for them (in that moment) shrinks. It feels as if the importance that you thought your presence gave them suddenly means nothing, and from that feeling creates a instant "I'm never speaking to them again" mentality.

🌟 With the 12th house involved, their actions may reveal their actual character, and while you are able to clearly see these actions (in a objective sense), you might still feel deeply tied to the version of them you feel them to be exists. You’ll observe their behavior yet convince yourself that someone better lies beneath the surface.

🌟 With 8th and 12th house synastry, there’s a part of you that feels you’ll never compare to anyone else they encounter. Even if you two never dated, there’s a deep sense that the way they feel when they’re with you is unmatched and it's something you intuitively will feel. It's likely that there will be no set actions or verbal affirmations to confirm this knowing.

[tarotbydelilah444]

pac: your future spouse

pile one

personality

judgement + six of swords + four of swords

Your future spouse is someone that is very popular. They could be well-known in their community, or they have a lot of close friends. 

Your future spouse is very family-orientated. They could be extremely close to their family, and they may often think heavily about having a family one day. They desire to one day have a big family of their own.

Your future spouse may struggle to slow down in their daily lives. They are always on the go, never knowing when to stop and take a break. They are very determined and resilient. 

Your future spouse displays the characteristics of a extrovert and introvert (ambivert). They like to socialize and can possibly enjoy being around others. They are very outgoing and enjoying meeting new people. They are also someone who doesn’t mind having alone time and taking the back sit to listen and observe others. 

Your future spouse is relatively laid back. They have a very calm, yet peaceful demeanor. They are likely someone who needs peace and quiet, or simply time alone to reflect from time to time, so try not to take it personally, and allow them to come to you when they are ready. You could probably perceive your spouse at detached and cold at times, but it’s mostly because they value time alone to reflect. They are not one to argue, they rather take space, and think over the situation from a logical standpoint and come back to revisit the situation from a calmer and rational standpoint with solutions on how resolve issues and conflict.

Your future spouse is very well-rounded. They are very interested in learning from different places and situations. They love to travel, or have traveled to many places in their lifetime before meeting you. 

They are very resilient and accept challenges with grace. They are not one to dwell on their issues, but whether likes to problem solve and learn from their experiences. This person appreciates self-reflection or the idea of constantly improving themselves. They rarely like to stay the same, and always open to whatever changes life brings their way. 

Your person is definitely a natural born leader. Your person understands their personal power and are able to inspire those to follow them. Your person has a silent, yet commanding presence and confidence that can be seen as intimidating, yet intriguing. They definitely embody “alpha” male or dominant energy. 

Your future spouse is very intelligent, sociable, and a great communicator. They value and appreciate communication. They enjoy being stimulated intellectually and enjoy picking people’s brains. They can be rather detached and aloof at times. They are a very rational person, they rely on logical reasoning rather than depending on emotions when it comes to dealing with any situation thrown their way. They could even sometimes be an over-thinker and often deal with their emotions by internalizing them. They may even struggle with anxiety, stress, depression, or may struggle with their mental health.

their astrological sign

This can apply to their sun, moon, rising, venus, or mars in their chart. This can also apply for synastry as well.

Cancer

Leo

Sagittarius

Capricorn

Gemini

Libra

Aquarius

Scorpio, Plutonian influence / aspects, 8th house placements

Air Dominant

Pisces, Neptunian influence / aspects / 12th house placements

physical appearance

three of wands • knight of swords • page of cups

Your future spouse is very attractive, or seen as conventionally attractive. They could have softer to slightly angular features. 

Your future spouse’s hair stands out, so they could have a unique texture, style, or length, or hair color. For some, they could have locs or a faded haircut.

Their eye color could range from hazel, brown, dark brown, to grey with long beautiful lashes.

Tall in stature, or can appear taller (longer legs with a long torso).

Your future spouse is of mixed heritage or has an ambiguous appearance. 

Your future spouse has a muscular or toned figure. They take great pride in their physical appearance. Your future spouse likes to workout, stay active, and is even health conscious, or mindful of what they consume. 

Your person has a casual or laid back aesthetic / style, but they always look stylish and appear as they take care of their appearance. They may like neutral to darker tone colors, like blue, white, and black. They may enjoy wearing more athleisure clothes, informal, yet comfortable clothes, like t-shirts, jeans, sneakers, or smart casual style. They are very creative when it comes to styling themselves, or their style could be seen as creative, or they know how to make their style more unique and right for them at the same time. I am also picking up a bookish aesthetic , so this person has an academia/preppy style. They could wear glasses to make themselves appear more intelligent, even though they are without them.

Your future spouse is relatively younger in age, or they have a very youthful appearance, even if they are the same age as you or older when you meet.

They could have a very mysterious, detached, and aloof appearance when you first meet them. They could have a RBF, or can seem a bit standoffish or nonchalant upon your initial meeting, but deep down this person is very much a sweetheart and loving as you get to know them. 

their love languages

five of pentacles • strength • knight of cups

Your future spouse seems to embody most of the five love languages when it comes to expressing their love for / to you, and how they want you to express their love to them, but these are a few of their main love languages.

gift giving

Your future spouse will want to show their love for you by buying you gifts. They will buy you things that you have had your eye on for quite some time, or even buy you things that remind them of you. Expect flowers, buying your favorite snacks / foods, following you around Target, Ulta, Sephora, carrying your items in the cart for countless hours, and end up paying for everything in your basket. Everyday will feel like Valentine’s Day with them.

words of affirmation

Your future spouse will try their best to compliment you, or even saying encouraging words to you in good and bad times, specifically when you are feeling down. They will know just the right words to say to help you feel motivated and like yourself again. They will tell you how proud they are of you, how grateful they are for you, how special you are to them, giving you the strength to keep going. This person will send you “good morning texts, or even so as much to write you a letter/poem, expressing their love for you. Telling you how beautiful you look and constantly gassing you up. Pouring love and life into you endlessly.

quality time

Your future spouse will want to spend quality time together. They will almost always want to have you to themselves. They will schedule date nights or even random romantic getaways, so the two of you can focus on each other and making the love that you share stronger. They will always be down to try new things with you and be invested in anything you do. They definitely crave intimacy with you, so expect a lot of deep conversations, looking deeply into each other’s eyes, laughter, and smiles as you connect on an intimate level.

their profession

king of pentacles & the lovers

Your future spouse is very passionate about their job. Your future spouse loves their job or the particular career path they are in. They feel like the career that they are currently at when you meet them is/was apart their purpose or is something they were always meant to do.

For some, your future spouse could have a career in the following:

Actor / Actress 

Singer / Musician

Advertiser 

Dancer 

Influencer / YouTuber

Athlete / Sports Agent 

Works with children  

Teacher / Professor  

Professions that requires a PhD, master’s degree, or certification

Lawyer 

Judge 

Truck driver / Chauffeur / Mechanic / 

Salesperson  / Telemarketer

Traveling advisor / Agent 

Counselor  

Accountant (CPA) / financing / Stockbroker

Writer

 

Your future spouse could be an entrepreneur, so they could own their own business, but I do see that they could work with another person, like a business partner. This could be a friend of theirs, coworker, family (brother, sister, mother, father, etc) . They could also go into business with you, if it resonates. If your future spouse doesn’t own their own business, then they work at a firm or corporate job, where they could be a manager, supervisor, CEO, or even a COO. Your future spouse is very hardworking. They do not take any shortcuts when it comes to his/her line of work. They are ambitious and disciplined, which has helped them reach their career goals and achieve longevity in their career. They are very confident, dependable, charismatic, successful, patient, and business savvy. They seem to make great amount of money and is able to live a comfortable and possibly luxurious lifestyle before and after meeting you. Your future spouse may be required to travel for work.

how will they treat you

Your future spouse is a complete gentleman, very chivalrous. They are the type to open the door for you, walk on the opposite side of the street, offer to pay the bill, carry your things, and treat you with respect like the lady you are. They have a very masculine presence to them, so this person will definitely wear the pants in the relationship, but not in an ultra toxic masculinity way. They believe in being an old-fashioned gentlemen, someone who provides for and protects his lady and his family. A leader who knows what he wants and someone that you can follow  with certainty and confidence and also be someone that you can look up to.

two of cups + ace of swords

Your person will be absolutely in love with you. You are not only the love of their life, but you are their best friend. They trust, love, respect, and adore you all at once. Your person will always ensure that you always feel loved and that you never have to question their intentions, they will always be honest and upfront with you, so there is no room for any doubts or concerns. They also have a high emotional intelligence, so they will try their best to resolve any misunderstandings, try their best to understand your feelings, properly manage their emotions in every situation, and listen to your concerns. They will always strive to keep this connection together, no matter what the both of you go through, they would rather go through it with you together than alone. 

the hierophant + six of cups

Your future spouse has a conventional sense of love and relationships. Your future spouse values stability and will try their best to ensure that you and them go the long haul. They are a provider, so they feel as that it is their duty to provide for you and give you everything you could ever need and want, and they take great pride in being able to support and provide for you in anyway they can. They envision building a long and happy future with you. They want spend every moment of their lives with you, creating long-lasting memories that the two of you can reminisce when you are old and grey. The movie, The Notebook comes to mind as I channel. You are this person home, their safehaven, and their safety net. If you two plan to have children in the future, they are eager to have a huge family with you. They feel like you two would make excellent and loving parents. They see as someone that they can grow with and learn from. For some, your future spouse could be very religious as well, so this is how they was brought up that will determine how they will treat you.

queen of swords + the emperor

Your future spouse will be fiercely protective of you. They will be as your own personal security wherever you go. Your safety and level of comfortability matters to your person and is their upmost priority. They will never allow anyone to disrespect you by any means. They are loyal to you to a fault and will always be there for you when you need them and fighting by your side against the obstacles that come your way. They also will value your opinion and guidance, and be there for you when you are in need of guidance and support. Your future spouse also values your opinions and will likely come to you when they need guidance or advice. 

their sexual style

I am not going to lie, your future spouse gives me heavy Christian Grey or even Massimo Torricelli vibes. They are pretty intense and embodies the “classic dom” vibe with ease. You will find them to be intimidating, yet intriguing. Your future spouse’s sexual style is very controlled, dark, and kinky in nature. They prefer to be in control when it comes to sex, no matter what. “I’m the boss” is what I intuitively heard. They want to be one in command, never the other way around. The only time they will ever fall to their knees is when it comes to pleasuring you. They are determined to have whatever they want and it must be to their liking and standards at all times. I do sense they will likely choose what they want you to wear and simply want you to always look your best for them, and only them. Your future spouse is very composed and chivalrous. They will always treat you with the upmost respect in public, but behind those bedroom doors, lies a different story. “Welcome to my Pride Lands” is what I intuitively heard. Once you enter into their world, there is no turning back, and you will automatically belong to them and obey their every command. I also get the feeling that your future spouse likes your innocence, this can be your lack of experience or you have this essence of “innocence” to you that they find not only appealing, but something they need to protect for some reason. It’s kinda difficult for me to understand, as I channeled the message, but that is what I picked from their energy. They like how modest you are, you stand out amongst any other person they have ever been with in the past . “It’s different with you”. It’s something about you that makes this person want to be a better version of themselves for you. I intuitively thought of Beauty and the Beast, and how Belle was able to change the Beast’s heart because she saw beyond his ferocious and cold nature, and able to bring out a much gentler and compassionate side out of him. You have somehow managed to tame their inner beast. 

keywords

wining & dining • Under The Influence by Chris Brown • bondage / bdsm • lipstick stains • everything about you is scrumptious, I love how you taste on my lips and tongue • I want you in the worst way • High For This by The Weeknd • “i find you to be intoxicating” • surrender yourself to me • pain & pleasure • safe words • trust me, I would never hurt you • office sex • hung • reciprocal and mutual effort • handcuffs • Playing Dangerous by Lana Del Rey • fantasy girl • Stargirl Interlude by The Weeknd ft Lana Del Rey • make a good girl turn bad • mascara running & smeared lipstick • lingerie / slip dress • silky sheets • Dance For You by Beyoncé • escapism • all is fair in love and war • anal play • “I want to feel your guts” • “who’s in control” • fighting their urges • Private Show by T.I. ft Chris Brown • love and honor you as a wife, but fuck you like a mistress • the art of seduction • releasing inhibitions • lady in the streets, freak in the sheets • conquest • S&M by Rihanna • “who’s your daddy” • sexual tension • Wild Side by Normani • harmonizing / in sync with one another • drunk sex • student and professor • First Fuck by 6lack ft Jhené Aiko • begging and longing for me • hot candle wax • boss & secretary • dolled up for me • recreating porn scenes • Dreams, Fairytales, and Fantasies by ASAP Ferg ft Brent Faiyaz • NDA • temperatures rising • intense stares • bending over the desk • foot fetish • Fifty Shades Darker (movie) • foot jobs • asphyxiation kink • rich sex • fucked senselessly • “all good comes to those that wait” • our little secret • high standards • power struggles • survival of the fittest • Ain’t Love ft Blackbear • Scandal (tv show) • don’t kiss and tell • In the Closet by Michael Jackson • Romantic Lover by Eyedress • grabbing by the waist • until the last man stands • playboy • Bambi eyes • “your body is a work of art” • Wolf on Wall Street (nursery scene) • sex by the fireplace • kiss on the hand • deep penetration • voice like an angel • show no mercy • Daphne & Simon (Bridgerton) • pinning your arms down above your head • looking up at you as they eat you out • “don’t cum, until I tell you to” • jazz music as we slow dance in the dark • “is this okay” • Partition by Beyoncé • burying your head in the pillow • Get On Your Knees Ariana Grande ft Nicki Minaj • lap dance • Whatever You Want by Tony Toni Toné • subtle whispers • ripped shirts and stockings • grind on me  • waking up soar • keep up with me • “I fuck hard” • legs over the shoulders • dragging their thumb across your pretty little lips • fuck you in the mirror •   elevator scene (Fifty Shades Darker) • biting lips • punish me • “you see right through me” • Purple Kisses by The Dream • Hades & Persephone

pile two

personality

four of wands • the devil • wheel of fortune (rx) • ace of cups

Your future spouse is very free spirited. This person doesn’t like to follow the rules, they rather go with flow and march to the beat of their own drum. They love a good time and are very spontaneous, always down to do something fun and exciting.

Your future spouse is a happy-go-lucky. They are someone that is always happy or always seems to have a smile on their face. You will rarely see them sad, and if they are sad, they will never show it, or find a way to make themselves happy again. 

Your future spouse has the gift of gab, they are very sociable and can socialize for hours. They can be a bit of an instigator and often can be a bit of a gossip at times, which can sometimes get them into trouble. 

Your future spouse is the life of the party. They love to have fun and will always bring happiness and excitement wherever they go. Your own personal hype man/woman. 

Your future spouse is very independent and enjoys their freedom. They could be their own boss, because they don’t like to be told what to do by anyone and tied down to one specific thing. 

Your future spouse can be a bit excessive at times. They can overindulge in many things that can lead them to making reckless decisions and losing control of themselves. They are the “go big or go home” type of person. 

Your future spouse may have control issues, they feel need to have control over people, things, and situations in their life. They don’t like change and highly stubborn against their own benefit. This person could struggle to change their ways because they simply aren’t ready to change or hate the idea of starting over.

Your future spouse could struggle with some inner demons when you meet them. They have a lot of unresolved issues from their past that they have not released and healed which makes them act in negative ways. This person will possibly have to do some maturing and growing before they married you, or they will be working through these issues before or after meeting you.

Your future spouse beyond their inner darkness, they are truly a sweet and caring person. They have the biggest heart that often gets taken for granted. They are very empathetic and kind to others. They are also a very creative and intuitive being. They can also be a bit emotional and sensitive at times. 

Your future spouse is athletic or loves to stay active.

their astrological sign

This can apply to their sun, moon, rising, venus, or mars in their chart. This can also apply to synastry as well.

Capricorn

Sagittarius / Jupiterian influence + dominant, 9th house placements

Aries

Leo

Cancer

Pisces

Taurus

Virgo

Scorpio

Libra

Gemini

physical appearance

three of swords (rx) • king of cups • ace of cups

Your future spouse is very attractive. They get attention from many people, and many people may find them very attractive, this could be appearance wise, or something about their personality that makes people gravitate to them. They also attract a lot of jealously from others that may envy their physical appearance.

This person may be African American. They have a medium to darker complexion. 

Your future spouse has an amazing body. They have slim, yet trim physique. They could have a six pack with toned legs and arms. They enjoy playing sports and they are very active. They can be average or tall in height.

Your future person could have the appearance of a heartbreaker, even if they are not a heartbreaker. They are perceived as they could break a lot of people’s hearts, or the stereotypical “bad boy” look. Your person has a “heartthrob” look to him like that are common in those romcoms movies and tv shows. I channeled Aaron Pierre. Your future spouse could have green or hazel eyes. If not that, there is something about their eyes that is captivating (shape, or their gaze). They could have a nice & short neat cut to longer hair. They could have light or darker hair, this could be their natural hair color, or they may have dyed it. They may also have facial hair, this could range from peach fuzz, a mustache, or a goatee. 

Your future spouse could be a bit older than you. They have a mature or wise-looking appearance, even if they are young in age. They appear as if they have a lot of wisdom or knowledge to share. People can easily trust your future spouse. They have an approachable or friendly vibe. They have a warm and inviting smile. A sparkle or glimmer in their eyes, and a calm and laidback presence. 

Your future spouse’s aesthetic could be very masculine. Your future spouse could like a style that allows them to feel free and active, so they could like sporty clothing, or even clothing that makes them look intimidating or even make them feel empowered. I’m channeling ripped jeans, basic tees, leather/biker jacket, varsity jackets, jerseys). They may like clothing that allows them to show off the defined parts of their body. They may like more reddish and darker-toned clothing. They still have a laid-back, yet rugged aesthetic going on. 

They could wear glasses, this could be prescribed or just for aesthetic purposes.

their love languages words of affirmation

Your future spouse is big on communication, so words of affirmations is one of their most displayed love language. A “snake charmer” is what I heard. They will likely send you “good morning” text, words of encouragement, a voice note, or even check on you throughout the day. They may even call you before they go to work, while they are on break, or even call you on their way home. You live rent free in your future spouse’s mind. They often daydream or think about you throughout their day, just waiting for the day to end to see you and be in your lovely presence once more. They will ask you about your day and want to tell you about theirs, especially if they had a bad day or if you had a bad day. “I just needed to hear your voice”. Your person loves to hear your voice, as it puts them at ease every time they hear it. They are so supportive and attentive that they will stay up all night to allow you to vent and release some of that unnecessary stress, if they have to

acts of service

Your future spouse may like to cook, so they will cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner for the two of you. I’m channeling “breakfast in bed”, so your future spouse will cook you breakfast while you rest in the bed. Cooking is a way they like to express their love and care for you as they believe that “food is a way to a person’s heart and stomach”. I channeled your future spouse surprising you with your favorite food, or even cooking so you don’t have to after a busy and stressful day/week. They may even want to cook together, so don’t worry they will teach you the basics and help throughout the way, so you don’t hurt or make a fool of yourself. They will also cook for you when you are feeling sick to nourish you back to health and after sex to allow you to regain your energy and strength.

quality time

Your future spouse is quite possessive when it comes to you. They want you all to themselves. It’s funny because I’m channeling an image of your future spouse looking like a child being dropped off on their first day of school, begging and crying for their parents to not leave them. They aren’t literally crying, but I see that they long to be with you all the time. I’m also channeling an image of them watching you in amazement as you sleep before they go to work. They feel quite sad when they aren’t in your presence (they may have separation anxiety), so they hate being away from you too long or they start to feel like they are going crazy without you. Your future spouse’s heart and soul bleeds and longs for you more than you will ever know. They like to memorize the way you looked, how you smelled, and how you felt before they depart, as a way of keeping that memory of you alive in their head throughout their day, as a reminder that the two of you will be reunited very soon. 

physical touch

Your future spouse also loves and appreciate physical touch. They remind me of a “golden retriever”, they are going to be all over you because they miss and love you so fucking much, it’s so cute to imagine. They are so affectionate and frisky. They won’t be able to keep their hands off you, if you know what I mean. They are the type to randomly smack and grab your butt, hug you from behind and kiss you on your neck, and give you massages, hugging you tightly like they are afraid to let you go. I intuitively heard, “Like I’m Gonna Lose You” by Meghan Trainor. Just being in your presence brightens their day and makes them so happy, and excited (literally & sexually speaking). I’m channeling an image of the two of you cuddling on the couch or bed, watching a movie, and suddenly losing interest in the movie, as the two of you begin to caress and have a passionate makeout session, that will lead to some well-deserved and enjoyable sex. Hope you are not afraid of a little PDA because your future spouse won’t hesitate showing their love and affection in public, I’m hearing “anytime and anyplace”.

their profession

eight of swords • two of cups

Your future spouse has a career that focuses on helping people work through their insecurities, fears, heal their wounds /traumas. Your future spouse’s career has in a sense help them face and heal their own insecurities, fears, and inner wounds. Your person is very compassionate, empathetic and very likable in their career. They can get along with anyone and always willing to help others in need, they may have people pleasing tendencies, or have a hard time saying no to others. Your future spouse is very in tuned with their masculine and feminine energies. They have great and adequate emotional intelligence. They have a natural ability to understand and understand what people need on an emotional level. They are credited for transforming many people’s lives in some way. 

For some, your future spouse could have a career in the following:

Licensed therapists 

Psychiatrists / Psychologists 

Cosmologist / Cosmetics surgeon

Sex therapist

Spiritual counselor 

Speech pathologist 

Motivational speaker

Massage therapist / chiropractor 

Barber

Personal Trainer 

Social worker

Dentist

Guidance counselor / School Counselor

Teacher / Professor

how will they treat you

Your future spouse is humorous or a jokester. They will always find a way to put a huge smile on your face, even when the both of you have a falling out whether that’s telling you a corny joke or doing something completely silly that will make hard for you to stay mad at them for too long. Your future spouse is so nurturing and caring. They vowed to always be there for you in any way they can. I’m seeing, if you get sick or during your menstrual, they will literally go into doctor mode by making you soup, tea, buying your favorite snacks, cooking meals, doing housework, preparing a bath for you, and even giving you massages to make you feel better. They will literally risk their own health to make sure that you are taken care of first. I’m hearing, “You are my number 1 priority.” 🥹 Your person will never abandon you when you need them the most. Your person would literally give up their lung, kidney, and heart, if they had to. I’m channeling the movie, “Five Feet Apart”. They would give up their life for you in a heartbeat. Travel & adventure is another big deal for your person. They love to explore different places, and cultures. They may desire to experience traveling with you to different countries, cities, states, and continents. For some, you or your future spouse could come from different backgrounds (race/ethnicity, religion, nationality, etc) and the both of you will be interested in learning more about each others cultures, creating a bonding and learning experience for the both of you. Your future spouse is a problem solver, so they will like to resolve any issues and conflict that may come up in the relationship. They much rather talk over things than to go to bed angry. I heard, “I can’t sleep without my best friend”. This person dislikes negativity or when there’s conflict. They will want to immediately work it out and move forward with you, instead of holding onto resentment and anger. It’s giving, “I’m a lover, not a fighter”. Like I legit see you and your future spouse in bed, and you scoot away from them, out of pettiness, they will just pull you closer to them. I just heard “Even if you are mad at me, you still going put your leg around my leg”. They can’t sleep in peace when their “baby” is mad at them.

six of cups + eight of pentacles

Your future spouse will always put in effort to make this connection last for forever. I’m channeling Natalie Cole, “This Will Be ( An Everlasting Love). Your future spouse understands that love requires teamwork, sacrifice, effort, and dedication, and they will try their absolute best everyday to be consistent, no matter what. Your future spouse will feel like you are their “soulmate” and you are the missing piece that they have been searching  and trying to reconnect with for their entire lives. You are this person’s rib. They are in love love with you and they want to spend the rest of their lives with you, creating beautiful memories with you by their side. You will bring so much joy and happiness into your person’s life and they absolutely grateful for your presence in their lives. You heal their inner child and you make them feel loved, safe, and valued, and they always want to return that love and safety in return. They are the type to bring flowers home and pull you in for a long kiss and embrace after work, asking you how your day went, and refusing to be away from you for not a moment longer. The two will be each others’ best friend.

ace of wands + the empress

Your person loves to see you naked. They love everything about your body and find everything about you to be absolutely beautiful and breathtaking . If the two of you don’t have kids at the moment, they will want to get you pregnant ASAP! Your person will not be able to keep their hands to themselves and will want you all for themselves. The relationship that you share with your future spouse reminds me of ASAP Rocky and Rihanna. The sexual tension and chemistry is evident and it’s almost as if no one in the room matters or even exists, but the two of you, like all the two you have to do is lock eyes and it’s immediately time for the two of you to head home to make some passionate love-making. Beside, having the hots for you, I see that you inspire this person to always be a better version of themselves, you bring so much excitement and enthusiasm into their life that they have never felt before. They also intend to inspire you to go after whatever you want in life and to challenge you to become a better version of yourself, as you do for them. Your future spouse treasures you like precious jewels. You are literally the apple of this person’s eye and they want to always shower you with their love and affection that you are deserving of. If they could give you the whole world, they would. “If This World Were Mine” by Luther Vandross ft Cheryl Lynn came to mind.

eight of cups (rx) + chariot

Your person will never give up on you and the love that you share, no matter what obstacles stand in the way. They are willing to always fight by your side through thick and thin because you mean so much to them. You inspire this person to drop their guard to be vulnerable, in ways that no one has ever managed to do. You make them want to take risks that they have never considered before or may have been hesitant about in the past. You inspire this person to confront difficult situations and challenges instead of running away from issues. You make them stronger in ways that they didn’t think they were capable of being resilient. You give them strength to overcome their fears and weaknesses.

their sexual style

Your future spouse’s sexual style is a mixture of many different things. They are pretty adaptable to whatever you are in to. “I’m just here to please you, baby” is what I heard. They are quite vocal about what their sexual needs are and what they expect in the bed room, and they expect you to be the same with them, telling them exactly how they can satisfy your every desire. They know exactly how to switch it up and make the experience magical and memorable. They can be nice and slow, one minute and then rough and fast, the next minute, when it’s necessary. Sex with them will be a total mind-fuck and a regenerative experience. I’m hearing, “this d*ck / p*ssy will change your life”. They are so ballsy, but they are determined to be the only one that can satisfy and handle you like no other person has ever been able to do. They want to make you forget all about those other guys or girls, they don’t exist nor do they matter. I literally see a scenario of them digging deep into you and asking you “who this p*ssy belong to you” and going deeper and deeper until admit and submit to them fully. Best I Ever Had by Drake came to mind. Your future spouse is truly full of surprises, so don’t expect the same things twice. I sense they like the idea of “catching you off guard” and getting right down to business. “Anywhere and Anytime” is what I intuitively heard. They are always wanting to try something new and exciting. They love anything that will give them a rush or an exhilarating feeling. Sex on the balcony. Sex on the beach. Sex on the kitchen counter. Sex in the parking lot. Sex pretty much anywhere, in every single position. There is no limit in the name of pleasure, when it comes to them. Take it if resonates, but your future spouse might have a sex addiction, or maybe they just enjoy and love “sex” in general. I intuitively heard, Freak Like Me by Adina Howard. They need it on a daily basis, if possible. I also channeled that if you and them get into an argument or disagreement, they just going “f*ck the attitude right out of you”. lol, I literally heard, “I love angry sex, that shit turns me on even more”. Not the most healthiest way to solve conflict, but sometimes, they think you just need “to get some” to straighten you out and all will be well in the world. Happy wife, happy life!  Your future spouse is so funny, like they don’t to take nothing too seriously. Your future spouse is not really the type to talk about their honest feelings. I think it makes them uncomfortable to express their deep emotions. “I can show you more than I can tell you”. They like for the sex to be fun and playful, lots of roughhousing, flirting, laughter, dirty talking, and eye contact to fill the space.  After the two of you climax and come undone, I do see that they definitely want to cuddle, while running their fingers through your hair and leaving trails of kisses from your lips to your spine. Talking about each experience afterwards, to get your input on what you liked and disliked and how the two of you can improve for the next time. Although they love to keep it fun and exciting in between the sheets, your person deeply values your opinion and cares about your boundaries in regards to sex, so don’t be shy to communicate your needs and concerns with them ever.

keywords

talking you through it • Earned It by The Weeknd • insatiable appetite • getting it in everyday • I Put A Spell On You by Nina Simone • spanking scene (Fifty Shades of Grey) • giver • “making you feel good, makes me feel good” • healing sex • Erykah Badu effect • boosting my ego • neck grabs and passionate makeout session • Whatever She Want by Bryson Tiller • blindfolding • nobody got sh*t on you • Best in the World Russ ft Bia • tease me • dirty talk • “i love hearing you moan and scream my name” • Big Poppa by Biggie • fingering • “I aim to please” • figuring out what turns you on • Favorite by Nicki Minaj ft Jeremiah • “so what if we get caught” • playing mind games • predator & prey • pillow talk • “I’ll fix that smart mouth of yours” • arguing to fucking • voyeurism • Her Way by PND • multiple orgasms • astral projecting • quickies • Good Love by Anita Baker • around the world • foreplay • Kiss It Better by Rihanna • cuddling after sex • “so tight for me” • No Chill by PND • “that’s it baby, just like that” • “my little slut” swapping roles • Tempo by Chris Brown • ice play • tactile sensations • “just for me” • Final Fantasy by Drake • christening the whole house • mutual masturbation • Mine by Beyoncé ft Drake • sex in random places • Jason’s Lyric (movie) • ass smacking / grabbing • pet names • role-playing • overstimulation • “I know you can take it all” • head game goes crazy • Wildest Dreams by Taylor Swift • Orion’s Belt by Sabrina Claudio • energizer bunny • “I like a little challenge” • Ego by Beyoncé • “you fucking with the best” • sit back and enjoy the show • let me take you to ecstasy •  Kundalini awakening • edging • Make Me Proud by Drake ft Nicki Minaj • body worship / praise • The Afternoon by Blackbear • sucking on fingers • studying your facial reactions in awe • French kissing • fingers in my back • gripping the sheets • grips on the thighs, hips, and ass • back scratches • smack prints on the ass • In Those Jeans by Ginuwine • Bed Rock by Young Money ft Lloyd •  Smooth Operator by Sade

pile three

personality

queen of pentacles • the sun • king of pentacles

Your future spouse’s personality is similar to the qualities of a wolf. They are loyal, territorial, intuitive, a leader, protective, and intelligent. They display healthy alpha male vibes and understand and know the power that they possess. Your future spouse is very sure of themselves and who they are. They know their worth and will never chase after anything because they know that what is meant for them will always come to them in due time.

Your future spouse is family oriented. They love their family for some. They may be the oldest, if they have siblings, or they are perceived to be very reliable and dependable by their family members. They desire to have a family one day. For some, your future spouse may have a strained or difficult relationship with his mother in some way. 

Your future spouse is very conscious of their physical appearance. They are very put together and always will take great pride in their appearance, because they believe that appearances matter. They can be a bit self-absorbed or vain at times, but they know how to maintain a healthy balance to keep it under control. They also have a strong and healthy sense of self. 

Your future spouse is extremely extroverted, they love to socialize and be around people of all walks of life. They get along with people pretty well and seem to be liked and envied by many who want to be like them, or possess what they have. Their personality is highly magnetic, warm, friendly, and larger than life. They are confident, optimistic, and have an infectious attitude. People naturally gravitate towards your person, they never have to try too hard to stand out. 

Your person is very refined, mature, reliable, generous, nurturing, supportive, hardworking, trustworthy, wise, down to earth, humble, and patient person. They are strongly in tune with their masculine and feminine side, a very balanced individual. They can be a bit of a homebody at times, and prefer things to be grounded and balanced at times. They may have going through some challenges and hardships throughout their lives, but they never allowed the pain and discomfort that they endured to keep them from having an optimistic outlook on life. 

Your person is very in tuned with their emotions. They can be a bit emotional than what they portray at first. They prefer to keep their emotions under wraps until they have established a stable and secure relationship with people in their lives. Once, they are comfortable with the people in their lives, they can be quite clingy / golden retriever qualities. 

Your person is a powerful manifestor. They are able to manifest things they want in their lives through speaking, chanting, guided meditation or through scripting.

their astrological sign

This can apply for their sun, moon, rising, venus, and mars. This can apply to synastry as well.

Aries

Taurus, Venusian influence / dominant, 2nd house

Virgo

Capricorn

Leo placements, 1st house, Sun influence / dominant

Cancer, 4th house placements, Lunar influence / dominant

Scorpio, 8th house placements, Plutonian / Martian influence / dominant

Sagittarius, 9th house placements, Jupiterian influence / dominant

Aquarius

Libra or 7th house placements

Pisces

Gemini

physical appearance

the star • page of pentacles • the empress

Your future spouse’s hair color could range anywhere between blonde, red, light brown, to dark brown hair. They could have a type 1 or fine hair (fine to thin or thick to course). 

Your future spouse can have hazel eyes, brown, or grey eyes. They have very beautiful and noticeable eyes, whether that’s the color or the shape of their eyes. They have a hypnotic and mesmerizing look in their eyes that will have you swooning and hooked, as if they are looking into your soul. 

Your future spouse has a big or sizable package. If their genitalia is not big, they have aesthetically pleasing genitalia to look at. They are quite fertile.

Your future spouse can be short in height to average height. 

Your future spouse has a beautiful and defined features. They have a defined and sharp jawline, slightly long chin, and narrow forehead. They are very handsome or conventionally attractive. For some, your person may be biracial or mixed raced (White/Black, Afro-Latino, Hispanic/Latino, or White). They have thick brows and lashes.

Your future spouse could have piercings. 

Your future spouse could look like a celebrity or well-known public figure. I channeled a “singer” or “actor/actress”. They have an appearance that captivates people’s attention in some way. They receive a lot of attention or compliments on their appearance on a daily basis. It’s giving “pretty girl/boy” privilege or male model. Their skin is illuminating and clear, beautiful and healthy hair, vibrant eyes, and pretty smile. They also have sex appeal.

Your future spouse could be older than you or they have a very mature appearance in some way. I’m hearing “age like fine wine”, so it doesn’t matter if your person is younger or older, they will only get better with time, they give off dilf vibes. They have a rather muscular / solid built. This person takes care of their health and their body. They like to stay active and in shape. Your future spouse invest in themselves and their appearance, so they will always look presentable and dapper everywhere they go. They always look like they have their shit together, and they mean business. People find them hard to figure out because they don’t seem to share too much about themselves. 

They have an aesthetically pleasing voice or there is something attractive about their neck / prominent Adam’s apple. 

Your future spouse style can embody the “old money” aesthetic. They always look like money, or someone of great importance and prestige. Your person can be very picky and particular when it comes to the clothes they choose to wear and buy. They enjoy timeless and elegant pieces that will never go out of style and last forever. A polished and fine individual indeed. They know how to balance and style appropriately, they never overdo it, but know how to subtly show off their status and prestige. They tend to gravitate towards clothes that make them feel confident and appear strong. The songs I’m channeling are So Fresh, So Clean by OutKast and Suit & Tie by Justin Timberlake ft Jay-Z.

their love languages words of affirmation

Gratitude is the key word when it comes to how your future spouse feels for you. They are beyond grateful and appreciative for your presence in their lives. There aren’t enough words in the all the thousands of language in the world to describe how much you mean to your person. They can’t help but smile when they think about how lucky they are to have you in their lives, like they feel like they hit the jackpot with you in their lives. They value you and the relationship that the two of you built so much, and pray to continue to grow and build with you for all eternity. Your future spouse has no trouble in telling you how much they love and miss you. They will say it a million times proudly, they would even go as far to climb on top of the highest building and profess to the entire world their undying love for you, if they could. Your future spouse is also big on compliments. They will often tell you how beautiful you are and how proud they are of you when it comes to your work ethic or anything you put your mind to achieve. Your future spouse also appreciate compliments, so don’t be afraid to also encourage them and boost their ego. 

quality time

Your future spouse is quite a planner and may enjoy putting time aside and effort to spend some time with you. You will never have to worry about them forgetting anniversaries or birthdays. They will try their best to make time for the two of you in their schedule, even when they have a lot of things going on behind the scenes. You mean a great importance to your future spouse and they will intend that you always have their undivided attention whenever they are with you, not wanting to miss a beat. They pay attention to the littlest details when it comes to planning romantic activities that the two of you can enjoy together. So you can expect romantic getaways, movie dates, dinner dates, and whatever else your future spouse has in store for you. This person’s goal is to unsure that the love between the two of you goes stagnant and that the sparks last forever. I’m channeling Anita Baker, “Caught Up in the Rapture” and Sparks Will Fly, J. Cole ft Jhene Aiko. 

physical touch

Your future spouse is very affectionate. They absolutely love affection and will always crave to be close and intimate with you most of time. I channel that they love hugs, cuddles, or long embraces. They feel so safe when you are in their arms and they want you to feel safe when you are in their arms. I’m hearing “my little baby”. Your future spouse views you as someone they need to protect and shower in love at all cost. They can be a bit clingy at times, but it’s just their way of showing you how much they love and crave to be near you. They are quite gentle and loving when it comes to showing you physical affection, they enjoy building the momentum and intensity rather than rushing the process. 

their profession

ten of cups • three of pentacles • king of wands

For some, your future spouse could have a career in following:

Your future spouse’s career could bring them a lot of happiness and emotional fulfillment. They seem to be very liked and appreciated by their superiors and coworkers, I’m hearing “most valuable worker”.  Your future spouse has great leadership skills and is highly respected in their profession.

Entrepreneur

Environmentalist

Professor

Lawyer

A profession that requires them to network or work in groups or with others.

Construction Worker

Architect

Real Estate Agent

Non-Profit Organizer

Independent contractor 

Digital Marketing 

Your future spouse had to work incredibly hard to get where they are in their career. They may have experienced many ups and downs within their career, but finally found a career path that they were passionate about and inspired them to make a difference, not only in their lives, but for others as well.

Your future spouse may be required to travel for work, I channeled multiple months in the spread, so they are quite busy. 

Your future spouse had to work incredibly hard to get where they are in their career. They may have experienced many ups and downs within their career, but finally found a career path that they were passionate about and inspired them to make a difference, not only in their lives, but others. 

Whatever profession your future spouse is in, they make a decent amount of money. 

For some, your future spouse could possibly be in the public eye or work with notable people. 

how will you they treat you

Your future spouse will treat you as a “lady” or how a women is supposed to be treated. Your future spouse is very respectful when it comes to you, they will never try to disrespect you in anyway. They will never raise their voice or call you names whenever the two of you are at conflict and would rather communicate their thoughts and feelings with you in a respectful manner. They will try their best to listen to you and be receptive to your needs and wants. They want you to make you feel safe to remain in your feminine essence. They will always make sure that the initial spark continues to burn your relationship. You will never get bored with your person. They will do almost anything to keep the chemistry going between the two of you. Spontaneity is your future spouse’s middle name and fun is their game. They always want you to know that they are extremely attracted to you through their words and actions. They will make it feel like it’s the very first time throughout your connection.

queen of cups + nine of cups

Your person will be so nurturing, loving, supportive, and caring towards you. They genuinely want to make you happy and give you everything that you deserve and could possibly want. You will your future spouse so happy and adore you so much you. They feel like they won the jackpot ( I’m channeling I Won by Future ft Kanye West). You are everything your spouse manifested or ever wanted in partner. They will always remain faithful and loyal to you, as long as you reciprocate as well. They will always be there to support and lend a hand whenever you need them. They will always celebrate you, your accomplishments, and give your flowers. You satisfy and bring so much happiness and joy in your future spouse’s life and for that they are super grateful for you. 

knight of swords + ace of swords

Your future spouse will always keep it real with you. They will never lie to you or withhold anything from you. They want the relationship between the two of you to be honest and progressive. They want to find solutions to any issues that the two of you encounter, rather than dwell on the problem. Your person is also very protective of you, they will not allow anyone to disrespect you and will defend you, if necessary. They will not be afraid to confront any issues and are mature enough to hold themselves accountable if they did anything wrong when appropriate. They also want to serve as an inspiration for you to go after whatever you want and to accomplish what you want. 

four of wands + six of cups

Your future spouse wants to build a stable foundation for the two of you. They want to build and enjoy a happy family life and will desire to grow an even strong bond with you. They want to have fun with you and build beautiful and carefree memories together. They want to reach every milestone with you and even grow old and die right by your side. They want to look back on the past as a reminder of what the two you have been able to overcome and achieve together. 

their sexual style

Immediately , I got the vibe that your future spouse will be away from you a lot, this could apply if they are require to travel for work months on end . To keep the connection solid and fun between you and your spouse, I channeled a lot of steamy phone calls, text, and photos being exchanged between you and them. Cyber sex is very prevalent in this reading. I definitely see you sending explicit photos or videos to your person while they are away to keep their mind spinning and longing for more. I heard intuitively a “ little forget me not” I see an image of you showing them a new lingerie set that you just bought and mercilessly teasing them, and this literally driving them overboard with lust and the urge to rush back home to have their way with you. I am also seeing lots of masturbation as well, together or whenever they are missing you and craving, they like to look and relieve themselves to your photos and videos when they are alone at night. I also pick up there is a lot of doubt and fear surrounding, if your person is being unfaithful while they are away, or this is their fear when it comes to you, but i sense, you or your future spouse have nothing to worry about. “I Only Have Eyes For You by The Flamingos just came to mind, as I channeled how they feel about you. Your future spouse believes that you are their soulmate, their true love, and their one and only. I intuitively heard, Forever My Lady by Jodeci. Your future spouse really hates the distance between you and them, and they are undoubtedly regretful and apologetic that they haven’t spent enough time with you as they would like, but they plan to make up for lost time and give you everything you have been missing. “Get ready to back all that sh*t up” is what I channeled. Take it if it resonates, but your future spouse may need reassurance from you at times, during intimate moments. Your future spouse tends to overthink when it comes to pleasuring you . They want to pleasure you, but sometimes, they think they aren’t doing enough or they don’t know exactly how they make you feel. They try to look for some type of signal from you and are more than open to listen and learn what your desires are. I sense that they tend to be the initiators most of the time, but there is a message of them wanting you to initiate and take the lead for a change.  The reason for this is because they want the both of you to be on the same page and connected in every aspect, emotionally, sexually, mentally, and spiritually as well. 

keywords

Until the End of Time by Justin Timberlake ft Beyoncé  • let’s take our time, we got all night • feeding you grapes • licking chocolate off you • Soon As I Get Home by Faith Evans • making up for lost time • they like you in red • shower sex • “suck it, while you me look in my eyes” • “I’ll show you how much I missed you” • fuck you until we both come undone • Make It To The Morning by PND • backshots • FaceTime calls • daddy’s home • sex playlist • Tonight by Summer Walker • flashbacks • the sounds of making love • sensual lover • “do you have any idea how much I love and miss you” • sex toys • high sex drive • going for rounds • “I’m going to give you a night you won’t ever forget” • ride my face • “who you belong to” • food play • Kama Sutra • You Know How To Make Me Feel So Good by Harold Marvin & The Blue Notes • tell / show me exactly what you want, and I’ll do it • setting the mood • connecting to the senses • slow and gentle caressing • The Closer I Get To You by Donny Hathaway ft Roberta Fleck • wet dreams • touching with intention • paying attention your body signals • “I can never get enough of you” • slow and steady wins the race • Electric by Alina Baraz ft Khalid • don’t hold back, any longer • experimenting with new things • neck kisses • hands tangled in your hair • sexting • tracing fingers • memorizing your body • deep and endless breathing • build up • sexual frustration • moaning and groaning • “I miss your scent” • don’t get shy now • Drunk in Love ( Jay-Z verse) • cum over and over again • You Should’ve Wore Your Bonnet 21 Savage ft Brent Faiyaz • sex tape• NSFW • Neighbors Know My Name by Trey Songz • back massages • Recognize by PND ft Drake • burning with desire • I want to hold you tight and never let go  • interlocking hands  • flavored lubricants • You Be Killin Em by Fabulous • bubble bath together • holding your hair while you suck it  • squirting • cum play  • have my babies  • Love to Love You Baby by Donna Summer • Water by Tyla • wet sheets • Bonjour by NO1-NOAH ft Summer Walker

[autie-j]

30 Days of Autism Acceptance 2025

The autism month prompts are back this year! Rules: There are 30 questions corresponding to each day in April. Answer each question in your own separate post. You can answer all or just as many of them as you want. Make sure you tag your responses #30daysofautismacceptance and you can put them in the various autism tags too (#actually autistic, #autistic, etc). Please help spread this around before the start of April! And with that, I hope everyone enjoys the questions and has fun with this year's autism month prompts.

April 1st: Do you have trouble recognizing emotions in either yourself or other people? Do you ever find it hard to tell how you're feeling or even to describe how you're feeling to other people? Have you ever had trouble properly expressing your feelings? Do you have trouble recognizing what other people are feeling? How does this make life difficult for you, if it does?

April 2nd: Dependence. How independent are you? Are you able to live alone? Have a caretaker? Live with a relative? Is there anything you need help with in your daily life? If you live alone, does being autistic make anything about it more difficult? Do you wish you lived with someone?

April 3rd: Talk about family. How are your relationships with your family members? Are they generally supportive of you as an autistic person? Are they accommodating to your needs? Does being autistic affect your familial relationships in any meaningful way?

April 4th: What are your current special interests if you have any? What are some positive ways having special interests have affected your life? What are some negative ways that they have affected your life? How long do they tend to last for you? You could even talk about past special interests if you want.

April 5th: What are some ways that the neurotypical people in your life can help you specifically with the challenges you face as an autistic person? Ways they can accommodate you? How can neurotypical people help the autistic community as a whole?

April 6th: Talk about miscommunication. As autistic people communicating is something that is harder for us than neurotypical people, in what ways is communicating generally hard for you? Talk about how being autistic has led to an instance of miscommunication in the past. Talk about social blunders that you've made due to autism. Perhaps a situation where you misinterpreted something or where you said the wrong/insensitive thing.

April 7th: Have you had people treat you differently after you told them you were autistic? In what ways? How did you feel about it and what did you do?

April 8th: Are you a creative person? What are the types of things you create? Do you think being autistic has any influence over the types of things you create or your creativity in general?

April 9th: Do you struggle with mental health? Does being autistic affect your struggle with mental health? Do you have depression or anxiety and is it influenced by being autistic?

April 10th: Do you struggle with keeping up with physical health? Does being autistic affect it?

April 11th: What are some things that might come easy to neurotypical people, but which you either can't do or need help to do?

April 12th: What are some social rules that you don't understand? Talk about it.

April 13th: Are you able to pick up when someone is flirting with you or alternatively when someone is flirting with someone else? Do you know how to flirt?

April 14th: What are some of the most difficult aspects of being autistic to you? What makes it difficult? Talk about it.

April 15th: Is romance/romantic relationships harder for you as an autistic person? In what ways? If you've had romantic relationships, are your partners generally accepting of your autism? Do they do anything to help accommodate you? If you haven't had any romantic relationships, would you like one? Does being autistic make it harder for you to have one?

April 16th: Is loneliness or a sense of isolation something you either currently or in the past struggled with? Is it related to being autistic? What types of things helped you deal with it?

April 17th: Talk about stimming. In what ways do you stim? Are they vocal stims or physical stims? Do you have any stim toys? Do you tend to hand flap? Have people in the past been upset or annoyed with you for the ways in which you stim? And if so, how did it make you feel and how did you deal with it?

April 18th: Is lying something that's generally hard for you to do? Why? If so, do you tend to avoid lying? Can you usually tell when other people are lying?

April 19th: Do you ever feel infantalized by the people in your life? In what ways?

April 20th: Do people ever expect you to be capable of more things than you realistically are? In what ways?

April 21st: Do you feel like you are easier/more prone to being taken advantage of because of being autistic? Do you have trouble telling when people are being deceitful or have bad intentions towards you? Is there anything you do to combat this? Do you have people that help you with this?

April 22nd: Is there anything in life you want to do that you either can't or is very difficult for you to do because of being autistic?

April 23rd: Is there anything in life that you feel being autistic makes easier? Give some examples

April 24th: Have you experienced bullying? In a school or work environment for example. Talk about it if you are comfortable with it.

April 25th: If you could give advice to a child/newly diagnosed person on living life as an autistic person, what advice would you give?

April 26th: Do you find it easier to communicate online than in person? For what reasons?

April 27th: Is making friends something that you find hard to do? When you make new friends at what point do you usually tell them you're autistic? In what ways does being autistic affect your relationships, if at all?

April 28th: How difficult is it for you to read other people's tone of voice/facial expressions? Talk about situations where difficulty reading tone of voice/facial expressions made things harder for you

April 29th: How tactile of a person are you? Are you sensory seeking or sensory avoidant? Do you enjoy getting hugs and other types of expressive contact or do you avoid them? If the latter have you had issues ever with people not respecting that you don't like it?

April 30th: Autistic pride. How do you feel about being autistic? What does it mean to you? Is it something you take pride in? Have your feelings about being autistic changed since you first found out that you were autistic? And is there a final message you would like to share for the end of autism acceptance month? What would you like people to take away from this month?

[halfmoonaria]

superstar

pairing: jenna ortega & reader

summary: you're a singer, and jenna thinks you're a superstar

word count: 1.6k

Jenna had always been adamant in interviews and podcasts that she wasn't looking for a partner.

The notion of opening herself up to someone, of sharing her most intimate and vulnerable sides, was terrifying to her.

She'd often say that the industry was already a whirlwind, and adding a relationship into the mix seemed like a recipe for disaster.

Her words resonated with a certain conviction, leaving fans and followers convinced that Jenna was dedicated solely to her career and personal growth.

Hence, when news broke that Jenna had met someone, the world was taken aback.

And her family, who had long accepted her stance on relationships, were particularly stunned.

What made it even more astonishing was that her partner was not just anyone but a singer. The very idea seemed to clash with everything Jenna had previously expressed.

If anyone had expected Jenna to find love, it would have been with someone far removed from the spotlight, someone who could offer a grounding presence amidst the chaos of fame.

Yet, there she was, completely enchanted by you, whose life was as much in the public eye as hers.

Your talent and passion had pierced through Jenna's carefully constructed walls, revealing a side of her that no one had ever seen.

It was an unexpected connection, but it was real, and it transformed Jenna in ways she had never imagined possible.

You were her age, having started singing at a tender age, your voice a gift that quickly became your solace.

From the early days of strumming a guitar in your bedroom to performing on small stages, your journey was one of both talent and resilience.

Your songs were deeply personal, often touching on themes of mental health, a reflection of your own struggles since your teenage years. The raw honesty in your lyrics resonated with many, turning your pain into a source of comfort for others.

Jenna admired you not just for your musical prowess but for your courage.

In a world where vulnerability was often masked, you stood as a beacon of authenticity. You spoke openly about your battles with anxiety and depression, both in your music and in interviews.

Your willingness to share your story in hopes of helping others, struck a chord with Jenna.

She saw in you a kindred spirit, someone who navigated the complexities of fame with a heart wide open, unafraid to show the scars that came with it.

The openness, the fearless confrontation of your inner demons, was what drew Jenna to you.

It was no surprise that the two of you had found each other, you were both well looking and had surprisingly more similarities than anybody would thought.

Your fame had skyrocketed over the years, just like hers had.

Sold-out arenas, chart-topping albums, and countless awards had become part of your daily reality.

You were recognized wherever you went, your face gracing the covers of magazines and your name trending on social media.

Just like Jenna; two of the biggest stars in the entertainment industry to end up together was something nobody had expected.

Despite your immense popularity, you remained grounded, always remembering the humble beginnings that shaped you.

The magnitude of your success was undeniable.

Fans across the globe found solace in your music, drawn to the sincerity of your lyrics and the powerful way you connected with your audience.

Your concerts were not just performances but communal experiences where people came together, united by the themes of your songs.

Interviews and talk shows frequently featured you, not only to discuss your latest projects but to delve into the deeper conversations about mental health that you championed.

Jenna couldn't help but be captivated by how you balanced the pressures of fame with an unwavering commitment.

It was this genuine openness, this ability to remain true to yourself amidst the chaos of fame, that drew Jenna to you like a magnet.

Despite your hectic schedules and the constant media attention, your relationship flourished in the quiet moments away from the spotlight.

There were times you often found yourself on set with her, quietly supporting her through long days of filming.

Whether it was bringing her coffee during early morning shoots or simply being there to listen during breaks, you made sure she knew you were always by her.

Likewise, Jenna joined you on tour, even if just few times. Those moments were rare but cherished, her presence bringing a sense of calm amidst the chaos of your busy life on the road.

She would watch from the wings as you performed, a proud smile on her face, supporting you in the way only she could.

At home, the connection between you two deepened in ways Jenna never had anticipated.

There were nights when she'd sit on the edge of the bed or curl up on the couch, watching you play your guitar and sing just for her.

The closeness of those moments, your voice soft and full of emotion, always sent a thrill through her.

More than once, she'd found herself unable to resist you, her desire building until she was straddling your lap, the vibrations of your music moving through her.

Which had ended up in her getting off on your thigh multiple times as you played, your voice serenading her into bliss.

Jenna loved you in a way she'd never loved anyone before. You were everything she didn't know she needed, the only person who truly understood her.

She often marveled at the thought that you were all hers, unable to fully grasp how someone as incredible as you had chosen her.

Whether you were strumming a guitar at home or belting out lyrics on stage, you captivated her completely.

You were the only one she wanted, the only one who made her feel this intensely.

When you performed was when all of those thoughts overflowed.

On stage, you were magnetic, your voice powerful and sultry, sending shivers down her spine. And when you danced, it was as if the music lived in your body, every movement fluid and mesmerizing.

Jenna couldn't take her eyes off you.

She adored the outfits you wore—revealing pieces that clung to your body, accentuating every curve.

She understood why you chose them; the heat from the lights and the crowd demanded something breathable, but there was no denying the allure they added to your presence.

She found your voice captivating, sexy almost, whether it was the soft croon she heard at home or the commanding, electrifying sound that filled arenas.

Each note you sang and every step you took drew her in deeper, reminding her that despite all the eyes on you, you were hers alone.

Jenna admired you fiercely. Every time she watched you perform, she fell a little more in love, unable to understand how she was lucky enough to have you.

The way you owned the stage, the way your voice and dancing wrapped around her heart, left her breathless.

She loved watching you perform. For reasons that went beyond the obvious.

It wasn't just for the music or the energy of the crowd. There was something deeper, more personal, in the way she observed you on stage.

How deeply you connected with your audience, but even more so by how much of yourself you gave in each performance.

She knew every movement, every note came from a place that only understood. And that knowledge made it all more thrilling.

But what really drove her wild was what came after.

The sex afterwards was incredible.

You'd come of stage, still pulsing with the energy of the performance, and she could feel the heat radiating off you.

The way you'd pull her close, your hands exploring as if you couldn't wait another second. Your touch demanding and urgent, made her knees weak.

Those nights, when you were still on fire from the adrenaline, were her favorite.

If something hadn't gone the way you wanted; a missed note, a technical glitch, or someone who'd pissed you off backstage — Jenna knew she was in for it.

You'd take that frustration and channel it directly into her, the way you'd push her against the wall, not wasting a second, your intensity making her shiver with anticipation.

She craved those moments, the way your hands would be rougher, your kisses hungrier. The way you'd take control, leaving her breathless and utterly consumed by you.

Jenna loved every second of it, the raw unapologetic need that you unleashed after a show.

It was the side of you that only she got to experience, and it was addictive.

After every show, after the adrenaline had faded and the passion between you two had cooled to a gentle warmth, it was the quiet moments that Jenna cherished the most.

Lying in bed together, your bodies tangled in the sheets, she would trace the lines of your face, marveling at how someone so fierce on stage could be so tender with her.

It was in those moments that she realized just how much she loved you—not just for the superstar the world saw, but for the person you were when it was just the two of you.

No matter how hectic your lives became, no matter the miles between sets and stages, the connection you shared remained unshakeable.

You both had your own worlds, your own battles to fight, but in each other, you found a refuge, a place where you could be completely yourselves.

And as she drifted off to sleep beside you, Jenna knew that no matter what challenges lay ahead, nothing could change the way she felt.

You were a star, but more importantly, you were her star, and she wouldn't trade that for anything in the world.

[kangaracha]

QUEENMAKER | CHAPTER 27

---

pairing chan x reader

genre ninth member au, angst, fluff, coming of age, social media, cancel culture, anxiety, depression, forbidden love,

summary To JYPE, the solution is simple; take the sole trainee that will not debut with your brand new girl group, and use her to replace the missing vocalist in your male group that insisted on starting as nine.

Unfortunately, to the fans and the members themselves, it isn't that simple.

status ongoing

taglist OPEN

previous | masterlist | next

---

Christmas flies past you in such a hurry that you feel like you hardly get to hold onto the joy of it at all - and it is joyful, as bright and as happy as the first one you can remember.

There's the morning in your apartment, sipping coffee and scrolling mindlessly on an internet where, for once, you don't see a single word that twists inside your gut when you read it. Then there's the preparation at work, and the livestream, full of lighthearted games and gift exchanges and you laughing at Felix as he drops the packets of chicken in his box all over the ground, disbelief still painted across his face. And then there's dinner, all together as a family, and the more personal gifts that you didn't give on camera, and the lively talk that carries all of you into the evening without anyone noticing.

You've had good days and bad days in Korea. You're relieved to get to the end of the day and realise that this is one of the better ones.

Your gifts are small and few, but meaningful, different groups of boys pooling together to give you something they truly thought you could use. Headphones, an expensive dress you'd eyed once on a shopping trip, hats to hide under in the airport. Small things you needed but hadn't gotten around to buying, things you'd been doing without until you had the money to invest in them. Your gifts to them had been much smaller, just like your budget; your biggest gift was their dinner and the evening you'd spent cooking it alone. The favourite thing you received was their faces after they'd eaten.

Still, it flies by too fast. You blink, and the day is over, and suddenly you're sitting in the corner of their couch paying minimal attention to the movie playing on the TV and waiting for the clock to finish ticking its way down to midnight. In the other corner, Jisung sits enraptured by the plot, soaking in every moment of the dramatic romance, the Christmas disaster and the miracle you already know is coming right at the end. Even with most of your attention on the conversation happening at the table behind you, you can tell what's about to happen; but you're not here to ruin his night. You're just...soaking it in. Enjoying it.

You're happy.

"What are you watching?" a voice asks behind you, hands leaning heavy on the back of the couch despite the flapping and shushing of Han's hands. 

You turn to answer Chan in his stead, finding him leaning there comfortably while he eyes the scene playing out on the TV. "Rom coms," you tell him in a voice that is only just hushed to an acceptable level. "They're supposed to fall in love at some point."

"They are in love," Jisung argues, his eyes leaving the screen only to glare at you. You wonder if he's aware his cheeks puff out with indignation when he does that, completely ruining the effect. "They're just too dumb to realise."

"They're going to get together at the Christmas Ball," you tell Chan, and ignore the way Jisung grumbles about spoilers as he turns back to the movie. "It's so cheesy."

"You didn't want to watch Love Island," Jisung cuts in before Chan can reply.

"I said we should watch Home Alone."

"I told you, I wanted some drama."

"Home Alone is drama."

"Go away then, if you don't want to watch," he huffs in mock exasperation, the laugh that huffs from the back of his throat when you stick out your tongue at him betraying him. 

When he turns back to the screen, Chan's hand taps at your shoulder. "The others are walking home now," he says, leaning down as if to mutter conspiracies between you. "Do you want to come with us?"

"With us?" you repeat, though you're already lifting yourself off the couch, stretching out tight muscles as you stand. "Where are you walking to? You're already home?"

"I'm just walking," he answers. "It's a nice night."

You glance at the heavily curtained window. "It's snowing."

"And?" he says. "Snow's nice. We never see snow."

"You should try winter in Melbourne," you snort, amused by the light dancing in his eyes. "So cold it might as well be snowing. Worse than snow, actually."

"You'll be fine walking in the snow then."

A yawn interrupts your put-upon sigh, and all of the effect it would have had. "I just have to grab a coat on the way down," you acquiesce, watching the other boys pulling their coats on by the door.

"Just borrow one of mine." Without waiting for an answer, Chan turns on his heel and disappears into the hallway. You trai after him slowly, meeting him on the way back out his bedroom door, coat in hand. "Try this," he says, and thrusts in at you.

You don't know where your apprehension comes from. Maybe the intimacy of borrowing clothes from someone - maybe just from coming face-to-face with the abject kindness that drives him to offer it to you without a moment's hesitation. It clogs up in your throat anyway, whatever it is, threatening to turn your face red. 

You have to force yourself to take the jacket, pulling it on with robotic movements. It hangs loose on your frame, the shoulders drooping sadly down your arms, but it is soft and warm and long enough to cover your hands, disguising your lack of gloves.

"This too," Chan says, and pulls a beanie straight down over your head, covering your eyes. You squawk at the sudden blinding, fighting your sleeves. By the time you have it straight on your head, your hair flat again beneath it, he is dressed too - and still laughing at you, his smile too wide to be innocent. You slap his arm hard enough to bruise. He doesn't even do you the mercy of rubbing it.

"Cute,' he says as you walk back down the hall.

Only the chance of public ridicule stops you from hitting him again. "I nearly fell over."

"Never," he insists. "You would have been fine anyway. The jacket goes all the way up to your ears."

"Give me one of Han's next time," you grumble, even as you pull the coat closer around you.

Chan's smile is beatific. "You think Hannie ever does laundry?"

"Disgusting," you say, with a face to match, and then you walk right into the group gathering by the door before he can expand on that thought anymore.

"What's disgusting?" Seungmin asks.

You wave him away. "Han Jisung," you answer. "It's a long story."

He accepts it at face value, nodding it away. "What are you doing here?" he asks instead, head inclined towards your clothes. 

"Walking you home, apparently." You pause, glancing at Chan. "I was bullied."

"Are you saying goodbye to the others, or are you coming back?" Chan asks sweetly, ignoring every word you said. 

"I'm coming back," you sigh. "I have to see the end of the movie."

"But not the middle?" Seungmin snorts.

"It's a bad movie," Chan advises, and then follows him out the door. You walk with them, cramming into the elevator once the rest of them are in. It's snug, with six of you, and too warm for the thick coats you're dressed in - but just as you start to sweat, you step outside into the frigid night and forget all about the elevator and its false summer, instead hudding down into your collar for warmth.

"Do you miss home yet?" Felix asks behind you, watching you grabbing at the warmth still left in your body.

You slow a little to let him catch up, eyes on the backs of the boys walking in front of you. "Just the summers," you answer wryly. "Winter sucks."

Felix laughs, pushing his beanie further down with one hand. "I like it," he admits. "Snow on Christmas? Come on."

"What's the point when it's too cold to go out anyway?" you throw back. "At least in the summer you can go out for Christmas. Go swimming or something."

Felix's mouth twists thoughtfully, his eyes getting that faraway look that says he's thinking of some other place than the wide street you're walking down. "Now I want to go to the beach," he sighs. "Mum said it was so hot in Sydney today, it would have been perfect."

"It rained for a little while in Melbourne," you say, and he laughs. "I think it was nice though. My grandparents flew over for the first time this year."

Felix glances at you in surprise. "You have family in Korea?"

"They live in Busan," you explain. "I don't really know them very well. They came for the In Life concert, didn't you see them?"

"No?" He puts on a show of helplessness, his hands spreading wide. "You didn't come and introduce them?"

"No?" you answer. "They took me out to dinner, and then we had filming or something on the day after, so they went home."

Felix blows out a sigh, shaking his head again. "You could have invited us to dinner. I want to meet your family."

You wave him away. "It's not a big deal," you insist. "Seriously, I hardly talk to them. I saw them for like, the third time ever last Christmas, and they told me to go back to Australia and get a medical degree instead of trying to be an idol."

"I hope Christmas with us was better than that."

"Nearly as good as going home," you say, and grin wildly at the offended look on his face, his mouth curving into a perfect 'O'. "My mum taught me how to cook lamb over the phone in the middle of her day, you know. What did you do for me today?"

"I didn't try to help you with the lamb," Felix throws back, quick as a whip. "And I told you how nice it was, so many times."

"True," you admit, and listened to the sound of his laugh rising in the still air. Your eyes turn upwards, to the shadow of his building towering over you. "Are you saying this was better than going home to Sydney then?"

Felix's mouth twists. "No," he says, very slowly, as you join the others at their door. You try to bite back your smug grin, a thousand retorts springing to mind that you've run out of time to say. Not that Felix looks like he's won anyway, his face wry as he turns to the others' conversation rather than trying to continue this one.

"Lixie," Seungmin says as you complete their circle, saving him from crushing defeat. "Minho wants to go to Jeju in summer."

"Do we have holiday time in summer?" Felix asks.

"We'll just run away," Minho answers, and offers nothing more than a stone-cold poker face to indicate if he is joking or not.

"Or," Seungmin tacks onto the end. "If we're being serious, we'll just ask to film something."

The look Minho gives him would be withering, if you didn't know that it was only an empty threat. "I'm being serious," he insists, and only cracks a smile when Seungmin rolls his eyes and Chan places a hand on his shoulder, barely holding in a laugh.

"I would love to go to Jeju," Felix says wistfully, and then turns to you. "What about Y/N?"

"She doesn't get a choice," Seungmin says. "Forced vacation."

"Why am I being forced?" you ask. "I can choose to go on vacation."

"Vacation to the company doesn't count," I.N puts in, and enough of them snigger that you don't bother arguing with them. 

"Fine, okay," you sigh, ducking your head and waving a hand. "Merry Christmas, goodnight now. Nice to see you."

"Merry Christmas, Y/N," Seungmin says smugly, his hand ruffling your beanie before heading inside. The others follow; Minho with a smile, I.N a small comment where they can't hear. Felix hugs you, and then throws his arm around Chan's shoulders for a moment and gets dragged into hugging him too before he can disappear, I.N closing the door behind him with one last wave.

Suddenly, the street seems very wide and quiet, the night stretching out around you with nothing to break it apart.

"Can I walk you home?" a voice asks by your side, and you turn to see Chan standing beside you still, one hand outstretched in offering.

"Weren't you always walking me home?" you answer; though you take his hand anyway, savouring the close of his fingers around yours even through the sleeve of your jacket. 

"I wouldn't want to assume anything," he says, and bites back a grin. Your hand thumps his shoulder, just hard enough to make a sound. "Don't hit me, it's Christmas. I'm being polite."

"Mhm." You nod, your hand falling back by your side. He squeezes the fingers of your other hand, only enough to make you aware of his grip. "You're always polite, of course. Never making fun of me."

"Never," he agrees readily. "I wouldn't do that to you."

"I bet you say that to all the girls."

He looks at you out of the corner of his eye, his mouth turning upwards. "What other girls?" he questions, as innocent as anything. In the half-light between street lamps, you think you can see his ears turning red, and you struggle to hold back a laugh.

"What about all the ones you're going to see tomorrow?" you say; and maybe the others were right, when your thoughts turn immediately from Christmas back to work, to the looming performance and the fans that oversee it.

"Oh, them?" Chan looks off high into the distance, as if mulling over the thought. "I can be mean to them. It's totally different. You can be mean to them too, if you want."

"They only just started being nice to me like, this morning," you tell him. "Now isn't the time to start playing games."

"Really?" His eyes light up, the playfulness of his smile vanishing. 

You nod along, unable to stop the wry smile that is plastered to your face. "In the livestream comments," you say. "I mean, there was still the whole awards boycott thing going around, but...I don't know. People were actually acting like I'm a part of the group? It's like, a Christmas miracle or something."

He falls silent for several seconds, his eyes silently studying your face. You can't quite meet the intensity of his gaze, your own eyes dropping to your entwined hands, swinging between you as you walk. He's thinking hard about something; time passes, your footsteps crunching in the snow and the buzz of car engines on a nearby street the only noise that permeates the air between you, and still he doesn't speak. 

"What are you looking at?" you ask when you can't bear it anymore, your gaze creeping up to meet the corner of his and then focusing on the road ahead of you instead.

"Nothing." With a jolt, he suddenly realises he is staring and glances away, searching for anything else to look at. "You seem happy, that's all."

It takes you a moment to answer, carefully considering the emotion that wells up in your gut. "I am, today," you answer. "It...I don't know. The performances this month have been good, the fans were happy today. It feels like something might change now."

"Good," he says, and smiles - small, but more soft and genuine than the amusement that had shone loudly from his face earlier. "I've been worried about you."

A scoff chokes itself in your throat. "I know," you manage to say, around the stone that lodges itself there. "I've been worried about you worrying about me."

His feet stutter in their tracks, his grip tugging on your hand as he saves his balance. "What are you worried about me for? Don't do that."

"Someone has to, don't they?" you say. "I see you spending all that time looking out for me, I feel like I should at least try to give it back."

His head ducks, shy. "You don't have to do that. I like taking care of people."

"Didn't I tell you to stop worrying about me like, six months ago?"

"Something like that. I didn't listen."

"You shouldn't break your promises like that."

Chan squeezes your hand hard, his knuckles bumping against your hip. "You promised to stop practising so much too, you know."

The accusation stirs a memory of a conversation, much clearer than the one you'd been trying to dredge up. It's funny; you remember, just that short time ago, talking about things like debut and the company - and now you can't fathom feeling those same nerves anymore. The fear of being dropped from the company, the pressure from fans, the expectations set upon the group and therefore you as proxy...all of those are fears you're still familiar with, but a fear of Chan himself? When he lends you his jacket and walks hand-in-hand down the street, so slowly that it might take you all night to get home if you continue like this?

Never. Not again, not not that you know him properly. There's no one you would trust more in the world than him.

"I think we should forget about those promises," you announce. "I like my job. And I like you caring about me too."

"Really?" he asks, and you think, from the way that he eyes you, that you need to give the other boys a piece of your mind. Too many jokes about old age, one too many acts of pushing him away. Maybe you need to give him a piece of your mind too - for letting himself believe, even for the moment of doubt that flickers over his face, that you wouldn't really mean it.

"Yes, really," you reply, and try to refrain from the tiraded of emotion that threatens to spill out afterwards, all in the wrong tone of voice. "It's been really hard lately, you know, with everything - I mean, it's fine, but still. You're always there. I like that. The others are there too, but - even in the middle of the night, you're always there. It's nice."

As if on cue, your building appears in front of you as you finish speaking, looking out from between its neighbours. "How are we ever going to go to bed on time if we both like talking in the middle of the night?" Chan asks, pulling you to a stop before you can head for the door. 

You find yourself shrugging, eager to linger. "Do we have to fix it?" you ask. "We're doing it right now, you know."

His mouth quirks. "Maybe tomorrow, then," he proposes. "Or we can just spend the rest of our lives only talking at midnight."

"I don't mind," you say with a shrug. "Midnight is a good time. Two AM is even better."

"I'll think about it."

He looks around, searching for something else to comment on, some way to keep the conversation going even when it feels like you have run out of things to talk about (except that you haven't, because you never could, because talking to him is so easy no matter what). In the corner of your eye, your door looms, calling you back to the warmth of his apartment and the quiet dark of your own - but his hand doesn't leave yours and his feet don't move, and even though you know it is stupid to be standing around like this in the snow, you can't bring yourself to let it go and bring on the end of night so suddenly. It's been such a nice day, and the walk home so warm, that you don't want to let it go, not until every second has been squeezed out of it.

There's still the movie, you remind yourself, thinking of Han sitting up there above your head watching, but your mouth doesn't say that. Instead, it asks, "Do you want to walk down to the corner store?"

You only realise later that Chan doesn't ever stop to ask why, or to complain about walking even further in the snow. In the moment, his smile consumes you, his feet automatically turning towards the store; and then again, you are immersed in your own world, stealing five more minutes from a night that cannot go on forever.

But for just this one night, you are happy. For just one night, you have something that is all yours.

Him. 

TAGLIST

@kokinu09 @rainfallingfromthesky @lixie-phoria @mysweethannie @chlodavids

@hanniemylovelyquokka @tfshouldidohere @lauraliisa @puppysmileseungmin @kalopsian-thoughts

@puppy-minnie @readerofallthingss @dvbkie099 @kthstrawberryshortcake-main @acker-night

@d-chagi @lynlyndoll @borahae-reads @ihrtlix @yienmarkk

@minhwa @i2innie @jinnie-ret @conwunder @amesification

@starssongs98 @weirdhumanbeinglol @morinuu @the-weird-mold-in-the-sink @bokkiesplace

@amyyscorner @jiisungllvr @skzstaykatsy @blackhairandbangs @jungkookies1002

@hyuuukais @imsiriuslyreal @thatonedemigodfromseoul @gini143 @mercurywritesstuff

@splat00z @filmbypsh @palindrome969 @crabrangoongirl25 @enzos-shit

@jabmastersupriseee @kayleefriedchicken @hynjinswrld @duhgurl @cheshireshiya

@keepswingin

[talkbycolor]

I deserve this

A/N; at this point its obvious that i inspire in rebzyyx songs

Pairing; "Your Boyfriend" x AFAB!Reader (cus people are scared of the word trans)

CW; reader becomes willing at the end i swear / unhealthy, obsessive and possesive love / sensitive topics such as mental health, depression, anxiety, fear of abandonment, dissociation, suicidal thoughts / a crazy concept: he talks about his emotions!! / non-con, violence, like, i cry while i masturbate

It's quite blurry trying to remember how it all started, it seemed harmless to accept a date from a stranger, he gave you a beautiful rose and was quite kind to you.

Feeling that people could like you, that someone could be romantically interested in you, because of who you are, your personality, that they knew your… desires?

Because you had dreams, of course.

…

Your dream was to live, to live a quiet life, a stable, pleasant job, with good pay, a normal and peaceful life, where the deep emptiness in your heart was non-existent, years had passed and the monotonous feeling did not disappear, you had already accepted the pain, after all, if you felt that constantly it was probably because you did something wrong at some point, right?

But that was a personal dream that would never be shared.

And it's not like that matters now, not when you're in… A room, that's funny, your last memory is of Peter slamming you against the table to tie your limbs since their last date didn't end as expected and It was time to go home.

Return to an empty home, for what? Peter was more than willing to take care of you, why was he so scary? Accepting it would have made things easier, but you ruined everything by trying to run away, you even fought tooth and nail, that was too pathetic now that you remember it, maybe you DO deserve all the shit that is happening.

You could have saved yourself so much terror and attacks.

"PETER ENOUGH! PLEASE! LET ME GO! NO! NO! FUCK, PLEASE!" You tore out your throat with terrified screams and tried to claw at his skin until your fingers were bloody, biting the hands that tried to stop your screams, hitting his face with your elbows and kicking him away, crawling like a dying animal away from him. "PETER!" You sobbed sharply before losing consciousness.

But nothing worked, resisting only made all that shit worse and now you were tied up, in Your boyfriend's old clothes.

You barely remember how you got to that place, or if time passed, anyway that doesn't matter anymore, from one day to the next you find a very small piece of clothing that turned out to be yours, time passed, your body grew but your mind didn't, they keep lying but you know that your life will depend on how well you do it.

And you're not doing it right, you tried to adopt toxic happiness but you couldn't even maintain it for a while before exploding, sadness was already an everyday thing and you just weren't feeling it anymore.

"Dear?"

Just peace please, how hard could that be? It was annoying, you even felt angry for feeling so empty, because people were so rude and the constant rejection killed you socially.

It was hard to breathe, wasn't it?

"Love? Do you hear me?"

It feels like the end, your soul is bleeding, you wish your stupid job made you feel a little more alive and motivated to continue.

And now you have done so many things to escape from that monster that pulls you back to the room to devour you under the bed.

"Darling!" Your boyfriend's voice echoed through the room, making you look at him once and for all, your eyes tired despite having been unconscious most of the time.

"…" You wanted to respond, really, but what were you supposed to say?

"You must be exhausted, you didn't even touch dinner" It was a tricky phrase, he had tried to feed you since you were tied up.

"Peter-…"

"I already told you that I prefer to be called other way, honey" He responded with a smile and a definitely not irritated tone.

"I want to sleep" He left your lips, he was being so caring, taking care of your health.

He kidnapped you.

And you couldn't even thank him for it.

He knocked you out.

You really were an ungrateful shit, weren't you?

He locked you up.

You wanted to return the signs of affection.

Soon the ropes left your body, Peter helped you stand up and you both walked to the bedroom, he was still carrying a small plate with a light dinner, he refused to let you go to bed without having eaten dinner.

Once in bed, he made sure that you had a proper dinner, and he helped you change your clothes so that you would be comfortable in bed, he also did the same with his attire and now you were both lying down. It always made your stomach churn when he looked at your half-naked body.

"Dear" He murmured next to you while you tried to sleep as soon as possible, so many things had happened those last few days that the only way out was to sleep, you had probably already been fired from your job for not showing up. "Honey, love, darling," he said sweetly as his hand went up to your cheek, he simply looked at you with a huge and probably painful smile on his face, almost tattooed, you made him so happy with your mere presence.

"Can I kiss you?" He asked, your mind still cloudy enough to refuse anything, so you just went up to kiss him, the room was very dark and there weren't even crickets echoing at night, the amount of silence was overwhelming… of course, that didn't count the lip-smacking they shared.

So it continued.

For a long time.

"Pet-…uhm, I mean, honey, I'm tired and I want to sleep" You interrupted the honey session.

"Please, you don't have to do anything, just let me love you, darling" his voice was soft, soothing to that darkness but not to the painful weight in your heart and the knot in your stomach, his touches felt strange.

You know that's wrong, you don't like it.

You didn't stop him, just like he said, you let him love you as you closed your eyes and a buzzing sound echoed in your head, like television static, your bottom clothes had disappeared, but that didn't matter.

You couldn't hear anything, you didn't see anything, your body reacted but your mind was very far from that place, you wandered through your memories, fantasies of a life you were never going to have.

It was really digging into your cunt, huh? Even when your mind wanted to flee somewhere else, it was undeniable how he held your thighs and you gasped heavily with each thrust.

His member was still dripping his seed, did he use protection? You don't know, you don't care.

It doesn't matter.

B e cau se s oon y o u w il l b e d ea d.

"Honey? Didn't you enjoy it?" Peter asked with a worried frown.

What the hell is wrong with you? Do you no longer have respect for yourself? You know it's going to hurt you.

Don't you mind dying? You lost hope and you don't even try to help yourself anymore, damned and pathetic attempt at being human, really unnecessary.

"Honey…" Peter caressed your cheeks and brought his forehead to yours, sighing softly and carrying your body to the bathroom in the room.

You didn't say anything either, you just felt how it was cleaning your body, the water was warm, the bathtub full of bubbles, and it smelled pretty good, like coconut soap. Peter hummed quietly as he treated your body with the utmost affection, you were sure he was whispering things in your ear but you were barely aware of your surroundings.

When your eyes finally focused on something you could see the ceiling of the room thanks to the moonlight, Peter was behind you, hugging your body, caressing your hair, and sniffing the soapy fragrance.

"You are so sweet, so unique, so kind, so special to me, a truly exceptional person, I will do everything to make you feel comfortable, darling, I love you so much, my adorable-…"

"Peter"

"… Yes love?" This time he didn't argue about that name, you were finally talking and that was good.

"I'm sorry I feel so alone, I know you're here but…" You wish you could give him an answer but that was something even you hadn't figured out yet.

"It's okay, honey, I'll be with you to hold you, forever."

♡

[allthingswhumpyandangsty]

Do you have any extra prompts/perspective for shutdown trauma responses? So far I have a few related to freeze but I know they’re different in their own ways (I have some unrelated to freeze too, I just rather ask a professional in case there’s more)

disclaimer that while I have written about the topic in my own fics before, I only consider myself a fanfic writer who’s done some research, not a professional, and these are supposed to be prompts for writers to use and tweak however they see fits for their fanfics / original works for entertainment purposes. please don’t treat these following prompts as a 100% accurate psychological information that can be applied to real life situations without doing your own research and consulting with a licensed professional.

trigger warnings: PTSD, depression, implied suicide, eating disorder

whumpee not being able to feel the pain that should have been haunting them, be it physical or mental. and that is not a good thing, because they’re not processing what happened, and they can’t heal as long as they cannot process or acknowledge what happened to them.

numb, however, is all whumpee can feel. and the numbness is so much worse and more dangerous than pain.

depression, prolonged stress, anxiety and procrastination are also possibilities. if whumpee only feels numb all the time, there’re chances of them developing other mental disorders that may cause them to believe that their entire life is now without any purpose.

whumpee feeling hopeless and wanting to give up all the time. any personal interest they had prior to the traumatic incident is now gone.

loss of appetite. an eating disorder where food tastes like ashes, and panic sends them into having an episode whenever caretaker tries making them eat — because it feels like someone was forcing ashes down their throat and they could not breathe. their body would not accept the food, and their gag reflex made them feel like throwing up. it is as much physical as it is psychological.

confusion and/or hallucinations may occur — whumpee struggling to distinguish between what’s real and what’s in their head. denial may trick their mind into believing that the tragedy that’s happened to them didn’t actually happen, and denying is certainly not the read toward recovery.

whumpee stopped talking altogether. doesn’t matter if they’re safe with caretaker now. they would not talk to anybody about anything at all, not just what happened. (they physically could, but they’re so traumatized that speaking is too much for them.)

the needs to hide from everything and everyone all the time are there. doesn’t matter if it’s caretaker, whumpee simply does not wish to be seen.

they keep mostly silent and mostly to themself, in the sense that they avoid everybody and spend most of their time locked in their room where no one can see them.

they may be too afraid to make any decisions for themself, no matter how small the decision is.

appearing disengaged in any social interaction and limiting the way they express any emotion at all; in other cases where they’re not numb, they may be scared or upset in some situations, but their brain tells them to keep their guard up by not letting others see how they actually feel. whumpee believe they’re shielding and protecting themself this way, and they will always need to “play safe”, since it’s best not to let anyone know how they feel, even if it’s caretaker.

[hyperlexichypatia]

Follow up to this post where I was asked about the "Autism presents differently in girls" myth, which is one of my many berserk buttons.

Here is a non-exhaustive list of reasons this concept makes no sense and you should stop saying it:

A. Autistic people are more likely than non-autistic people to be trans, nonbinary, or otherwise gender-non-conforming, so any attempt to group autistic people by binary, birth-assigned gender is even less likely to be accurate than the gender binary already is in the general population.

2. There is absolutely no evidence supporting the "presents differently" theory that could not be better explained by clinician bias.

iii. The alleged "presentation differences" between autistic "girls" and "boys" are just bog-standard gender stereotypes with "autism" plugged in somewhere. "Boys are better at math and science and logic and not having feelings and their dominant emotion is Anger, but girls are better at socializing and caretaking and brushing hair and their dominant emotion is Approval-Seeking." "Huh, that sounds like reactionary sexist hogwash." "No, I mean, autistic boys are better at math and science and logic and not having feelings and their dominant emotion is Anger, but but autistic girls are better at socializing and caretaking and brushing hair and their dominant emotion is Approval-Seeking." "Oh, okay, now it's Objective Science."

four. Sexist bias, including among clinicians, tends to frame "male" neurodivergence as essentially cognitive and "female" neurodivergence as essentially emotional, because, as we all know, Men Think, Women Feel. Psychology is obsessed with the idea that "girls" are universally and inherently self-loathing and self-destructive -- anything a "girl" has trouble with cannot possible be a skill she hasn't learned or an ability she doesn't have, let alone merely a different way of being; she must simply be self-abnegatingly denying herself the thing she cannot do. So a "girl" with the same traits as an "autistic boy" will have those traits attributed to something emotional, like depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, or eating disorders. "Autistic girls" aren't being "missed" (read as neurotypical); they're having their exact same autistic traits as "autistic boys" being framed as mood disorders instead of neurodevelopmental disabilities.

cinco. Fundamentally, this premise gets completely backward what diagnosis means and why pathologization happens. People are pathologized and diagnosed, with any kind of disability, when they have traits that fall outside the range of traits considered "acceptable" for their position. "It's more acceptable for boys to have meltdowns, so autistic boys have more meltdowns than autistic girls, so the boys get diagnosed with autism" -- No, this doesn't make sense. That's not how diagnosis works. If it were more acceptable for boys to have meltdowns, then boys who have meltdowns would not be getting diagnosed with anything. Their behavior would not be seen as pathological. If "It's more acceptable for boys to have meltdowns" were to explain any kind of diagnosis differential, it would be "Therefore girls who have meltdowns are diagnosed, while boys who have meltdowns are just considered normal boys." And, to be clear, that kind of thing is absolutely a factor in gender differences in diagnosis, but in the opposite direction from how people mean it. Like, as a "girl," I wasn't really expected or pressured to be athletic, so my absolutely abysmal gross motor skills were just shrugged at and not seen as a sign of disability. Can't run or throw? Well, I was a girl, and a nerd to boot. What do you expect? A "boy" with my level of gross motor skills would draw a lot more Concern.

ζ. "Girls are pressured to mimic/mask more than boys are," even if true (debatable), elides over the fact that many autistic "girls" can't "mimic/mask," because they are disabled. They have a disability. Because some of the things their society expects them to be able to do are things that they cannot, in fact, do. "Girls don't have meltdowns because they're not allowed to. Girls don't forget to do essential tasks because they're not allowed to. Girls don't --" Okay but they do. Girls do in fact very much do those things. Because they are disabled. Because they have disabilities. Because there are things they are expected to be able to do, which they cannot, in fact, do. And it's weirdly disability-erasing (ableist) to claim that people simply develop the ability to do things they can't do just because they're expected to.

heptad. Circling back to point A., while I can't prove it, I really think a lot of this "gendered autism" stuff is a way to pathologize and also explain away queerness/transness/gender-non-conformity in diagnosed-autistic kids. "Oh, no, don't worry, the reason your son consistently Fails At Masculinity isn't because he's some kind of sissy; it's actually because he has this Masculine Male Boy Disorder where he just doesn't understand how boys are supposed to behave. Lots of boys have it. No, no, the reason your 12 year old son is kissing his male friend on the mouth isn't because he's gay; he just has a social skills disorder and doesn't know that boys don't kiss their platonic guy mate dude friends. It's a very masculine disability. Elon Musk has it." I know somebody who was told by an Autism Mom that all autistic people are bisexual because "They don't know the difference." Sure, keep telling yourself that.

8️⃣. In the past, when I was less Galaxy Brain Mad Radicalized, I conceptualized the phenomenon of "'Boys' are diagnosed with autism while 'girls' with the exact same traits are diagnosed with depression/anxiety/OCD/BPD/ED" as a phenomenon of "Autistic girls, who objectively are autistic, whose objectively, scientifically correct diagnosis is autism, are misdiagnosed with psych disorders instead." But what neither autistic nor Mad people really want to admit is that "autism" is as arbitrary a diagnostic category as any other. No two human brains are exactly alike. All systems of classification are made up. I happen to think that the proposed explanatory mechanism of "autism" (brain processes sensory input/information differently than average, results in wildly uneven skill development) is generally more accurate than the proposed explanatory mechanism of most psych diagnoses (people are weird somehow and that's bad somehow), but it's still fairly arbitrary. People with autism diagnoses get ABA and people with psych diagnoses get CBT/DBT, and you can argue about which is worse, but ultimately anything with a B in it is fundamentally abusive. Abolish psychiatry.

[transmutationisms]

Hello, hope you are well!

I’ve been skimming through the psychiatry tag on your blog for a bit. It has been educational (thank you for all your explanations) and definitely changed the way that I think.

All that being said, it is difficult for me to wrap my head around in relation to myself and my diagnoses. I can understand that the disease model is harmful, but it is so ingrained in how I think about myself (I have depression/anxiety, and therefore they make me behave in x ways and exhibit y symptoms, that sort of thinking). Trying to accept the fact that these diagnoses are just a categorization of behaviors makes everything feel very abstract and like none of it is really “real.” I guess what I’m asking is whether there is an alternative to the disease model that may be useful in trying to understand one’s own experience?

(Also struggling to come to terms with the lack of evidence there is for SSRIs/the fact that the chemical imbalance thing is made up. Is my Lexapro even doing anything? Who knows.)

Sorry if this is rambling or I’m missing the mark somewhere!

put reductively, the alternative to the disease model is a materialist analysis: rather than "i have a brain disease called depression, which makes me sad" i understand my unhappiness as the product of a social situation that is upsetting in various ways, and my psychological responses to being in those conditions anyway. people have all kinds of variation in their genes, biochemistry, anatomy, &c, and those variations probably also both respond to and play some role in how we respond to the world around us. what those variations don't constitute is the basis for any disease entity.

i personally find this more helpful than the disease model because i don't find it inspiring or productive to be told my miseries are the results of uncontrollable biological entities that have nothing to do with the distressing thigs happening to & around me. but for the record, i also think the relative personal fulfillment i may get from a theory is irrelevant insofar as the question is: is it true? plenty of people find psychiatric diagnosis personally meaningful and it's still not empirically founded or politically neutral. an analysis that understands human mental states as arising from our actual experience in the world & economic alienation has greater explanatory potential than one that must invoke a series of metaphysical disease entities that can be neither reliably identified nor distinguished from one another, and that are often retroactively defined in the first place in order to provide the right billing code for prescribers to dispense specific drugs.

re: lexapro, as i always say, it is a psychoactive substance, ie, physiologically yes it is doing something. whether that correlates to it emotionally doing something is a fuzzier question, along with what that thing might be (likely the answers to both vary from person to person). what we can say p confidently is there is not strong evidence that SSRIs alleviate depression.

[letters-to-lgbt-kids]

My dear lgbt+ kids, 

Did you know the practice of meditation can have side effects? Some people experience adverse reactions to meditation, such as heightened anxiety or depression or even delusions and hallucinations. 

What does that have to do with being lgbt? Well, nothing - but meditation is often seen as one of those “healthy things everyone should do”, something that just has so many benefits and doesn’t require you to take anything or undergo any kind of surgery, something that it’s widely recommended and accepted as healing… and even THAT super great thing has some people who will regret doing it. 

Not a perfect comparison, nothing ever is, but you see the analogy coming: Transition (social or hormonal or surgical) is super beneficial to many people. And there are also some people who will regret it. 

Any kind of health decision - and really any decision at all - can end with you regretting it. That’s a part of life. 

“Protecting people from making a decision they might regret” sounds like such a noble goal. We want to live in a world where people can make informed decisions. Education, including on risks and side effects, is something to strive for. But it’s important to remember that we can not live in a world where nobody ever regrets anything. 

People can regret getting their ears pierced. People can regret buying a car. People can regret going to university. People can regret having sex with someone. People can regret marriage. People can regret moving to a different state. People can regret coming out as gay. People can regret hip replacement surgery. And yes, people can also regret transitioning. 

If we seriously wanted to protect people from ever regretting anything, we would need to just take any deciding power away  (and then who would we give it to? Whoever makes our decisions for us then, they could also make a decision they end up regretting!). 

Another reason why this analogy works: I told you meditation has side effects and people regret it - but I pretty conveniently left out that it’s pretty rare for that to happen. Meditation is generally very safe and has a really low regret rate. Plus, people who regret it may not regret that they choose to meditate all together but rather report that they regret a specific experience (such as choosing silent meditation over guided meditation or going on a meditation retreat that lasted multiple days). 

Similar to that, transition also has a low regret rate (statistically much lower than tattoos or hip replacement surgery for example!) - and people who regret it may not actually be a case of “I regret it because I realized I’m not transgender”, even if that’s what transphobes tell you. Some people still identify as transgender but regret their surgery because they experienced complications (as they can arise from any kind of medical procedure). Some people regret it because they lost friends or family or job opportunities after coming out. And so on. 

The topic of regret is much more complicated than “meditation is actually bad” or “they woke up one day and realized they were brainwashed into believing they were trans”. And it’s unfair to not only the ones who will never regret it but also to the ones who do regret it to reduce their stories to a cautionary tale meant to stop people from making a decision over their own body.

“We need to protect people from making decisions they might regret” just isn’t a good argument. 

With all my love, 

Your Tumblr Dad 

[lovelypearlystarz]

Donsy Family hc’s:)

SO since i made Della + HDLP hc’s + GFDS hc’s i thought it was only right i do Donald’s:)! So here we Go!

Donald Lee Duck-

•Knits Sweaters and socks, Isn’t very good at it thought

•Like sweets but prefers not to eat them infront of the kids so They don’t think it’s okay to also eat a bunch of candy

•Still Treats the boys like his own kids and they frequently come to him for advice

•Hyper-Empathetic

•perfectionist •Has them loud dad sneezes

•Tells dad jokes

•Incredibly romantic

•His favorite colors are Blue,Orange,Red,Yellow and Green

•Loves Daisy’s eyes

•incredibly stressed

•Very kind and giving even with his anger issues he doesn’t let it effect his choices

•An Amazing Cook

•Loves his kids to death

•The sun

Daisy Mayflower Duck-

•Making her own Fashion lines,the kids Including HDLP Model for her clothes mostly Dewey

•Likes Spicy + Savory Food,Favorite food is Spicy instant Noodles

•Is a horrible cook

•Loves her kids to bits

•Fiesty

•very defensive over her kids,Will fight for them.

•Makes her own clothes,Still very into fashion

•Minnie Models for her too since she’s a local Celebrity

•Loving and Maternal

•Strong + Independent

•Is also very romantic

•favorite flowers are roses

•The moon

kablooie/Abril(April) Duck-

•Severe Anger issues

•Speaks Spanish when someone gets on his nerves

•the youngest of all the duck kids

•Is a Clone Of huey(acts nothing like him) From Fowl,But he escaped One day and stayed out on the streets spying on scrooge and his family

•Surprisingly Gets along with Della And Goldie

•Doesn’t get on with kids his age,it’s hard for him to make friends

•Get’s in trouble all the time,Hates getting embarrassed,Laughed or yelled at.

•his favorite drink is chocolate milk

•Hates spicy foods,but loves Bitter and sour foods

•he pick pockets out of habit and the need to survive

•gets along with Louie the most out of HDLP,They just get each other without having to speak

•Is easily Flushed /Embarrassed

•Doesn't like celebrating his birthday

•The Eclipse

maysie *May* Duck-

•is actually Daisy’s niece but her and june’s parents died when they were children so they stayed with her

•Is very studious and Mature for her age

•One of the oldest

•was Actually Born in april

•Is close to June because of their shared experiences

•Treats Abril like a baby for shits and giggles

•appreciates the fact Donald and daisy took them all in

•LOVES sweet food,Has a SEVERE sweet tooth,anything sweet you got she’s taking it from you- politely

•The cousin she gets along with the most is Webby and Huey because of their personalities.

•The Moon

Juniper *June* Duck-

•Is very Energetic

•The middle Child of them

•Very sweet to everyone she loves. hate's being mean

•prefers sweet and savory foods over spicy and sour

•get's on very well with everyone because she's so nice

•has a very easy time making friends and forming bonds unlike her siblings

•her favorite cousin is dewey and webby, they just get her

•when texting she always says LOL or LMFAO

•her favorite drink is pink lemonade because it's pink and it taste good

•likes hanging around beakly and lena, she reminds them of webby.

•comes up with some designs for daisy to use.

•wants to eventually be a teacher even though she doesn't have good grades

•loves hugs

•close to may

•finds kablooie a bit aloof and intimidating

•giggles alot

•was born february 7th

•tries surprsing scrooge on his birthdays with tons of gifts and if he doesn't accept them she guilt trips him with the puppy eyes

•very tomboyish and likes playing in the mud and dirt

And for sexual orientations/gender identity-

•donald is Masc and bisexual

•Daisy is femme and Pansexual

•Kablooie/abril is Aromantic

•May is a lesbian

•June is also a lesbian

now for mental issues/struggles

donald-anger,depression anxiety

daisy-anger issues, anxiety

kablooie-ODD,anger issues, social anxiety

May-OCD

June-autism + autism

[kangaracha]

QUEENMAKER | CHAPTER 5

---

pairing chan x reader

genre ninth member au, enemies to lovers, angst, fluff, coming of age, social media, cancel culture, anxiety, depression, forbidden love,

summary To JYPE, the solution is simple; take the sole trainee that will not debut with your brand new girl group, and use her to replace the missing vocalist in your male group that insisted on starting as nine.

Unfortunately, to the fans and the members themselves, it isn't that simple.

status ongoing

taglist OPEN

a/n apparently it has been 28 days since the last chapter, but the good news is i now have 4 chapters written in advance so january at least will have content. for those who haven't seen the random announcements on my blog, i've been sick and honestly probably will be again in january so your patience is appreciated, and i'm sorry, i'm not usually this sporadic with a project like this! to my editing team, who are feeling betrayed seeing this surprise chapter in their notifications, my chrissy new years gift to you is not asking for edits in the holiday season, roast me in the chat if anything is wrong (keeps, that last part doesn't apply to you)

previous | masterlist | next

---

Even as you knock on the door to the studio, you're nervous.

Maybe you shouldn't be; it's been nearly a month exactly now, and you're fairly sure at this point that none of the boys hate you, though calling some of them friends has been easier said than done. Maybe that's why you're nervous in the first place, because it's been so long and you're still unsure where you stand within the group, especially with the one you're supposed to meet now...

It's not your fault. Well, maybe it is a little bit - you're aware that you're struggling to relax in their company, the way you had with the girls in Midnight or other trainees. But your schedules are so different too, you only see the others in practise, or in passing in the halls. Some days you practise on your own, while they are off on one schedule or another, living the life of idols that have built up their name, other days only half of them are there. Sometimes there is no dance practise scheduled at all, their own individual lessons or other commitments taking precedence.

It won't be like this forever, you just keep telling yourself. Three weeks more, and then you debut with the rest of them, and you're part of the group for real. Three weeks of hard work, and then, maybe, it gets easier.

Maybe. You've thought that before, only for an opportunity to slip away through your fingers. You wouldn't be surprised if it happened again.

The door opens - Chan, leaning over from his chair to tug on the door handle before he returns to his desk. "Come in," he says warmly, an arm gesturing you towards the couch behind him. It's already occupied by Changbin, who makes you smile when he gives you a hello and a wave. "Sit with me," he says, in Korean and then again in broken English, patting the cushions. "I'll be quiet, I promise."

You're reminded suddenly of how loud he can be, during practises or even when everyone is just sitting around, but you hesitate to mention it, sitting quietly beside him instead. "You can tell him to leave if you want," Chan adds, his back turning to his laptop. "He's not actually here for anything important."

"I'm here for emotional support," Changbin claims, only he puts on such a voice as he says it that it makes both of you laugh. "It's an important job."

"Okay, well." Chan's hands spread, like he doesn't have any say in the situation. "If you don't need support, you can tell him to leave."

"He can stay," you answer readily, and you don't really doubt your answer at all. Out of all the members, Changbin has been one of the friendliest; he'd been so warm and accepting on your first day, and gone out of his way in days since to talk to you or pull you into a joke when you were on the outskirts watching. Even if he was only doing it because you looked pathetically out of place among them, you appreciated it. 

"Cool," Chan says, and then he shifts in his chair like he's uncomfortable, his eyes straying towards his laptop momentarily. "So. I wanted to talk to you about the comeback."

"I figured as much," you reply, aware that your hands are fidgeting nervously in your lap.

Chan's mouth opens, like he's going to say something, and then he hesitates, glancing away again. Apprehension rises in your throat, bitter like the taste of bad coffee as you swallow it back down again. It's one thing if you're nervous - but if he is unsure about what he's about to say too, then it could be-

"I've thought about it, and I've decided that you're not going to debut with us on this album."

Bad.

Your heart stops and then starts again, your chest tightening around your lungs even though you've heard this story before. It shouldn't even surprise you by now, the let-down; thinking you might have now, finally, done the work and reaped the reward, and yet every time you seem to let the hope creep into your chest just so that you can crumble twice as hard. You hadn't even realised you'd become this married to the idea of joining Stray Kids in the last three weeks, and yet the idea of getting dropped again hurts like a pain in your chest.

This was your last chance. No one else will debut you. The world isn't that kind of kind.

"Okay," you say, through a jaw that feels like it won't move enough to form the words. "It's - I understand. I'm sorry that I couldn't do it."

"Hang on," Chan says, a hand hovering between you like he's ready to catch you if you turn to leave. "Just hear me out - it's not that you're not good enough, okay? I just think it will help you if we wait a little bit longer, and the company were happy to agree."

"You've worked hard," Changbin says beside you, his face earnest. "No one thinks you can't do it."

"No," Chan agrees. "I'm just looking at the timeline, and the schedule they've drawn up for you, and I think you'd do much better if we push debut back to our next comeback in September."

September. Three more months away, rather than three weeks; three more months to push through, nose to the grindstone, that deadline looming over your head. Three more months in which someone might realise they've made a grave mistake and pull you right back out again, when you'd been so close to that finish line. Three more months feeling like an imposter in these boys' lives, waiting for life to even out into some kind of normal.

"Is that okay?" Chan asks, and you bite down the spiral of thoughts that pulls your mind down towards a big, black hole and nod, trying to pretend that it's nothing. The frown on his face doesn't look convinced, nor does the sheet of paper that he reaches behind him to fetch, shoving it into your hands.

"I want you to understand," he says as you look down at the paper, forcing your fingers to only hold it gently before you can rip it. A schedule, the next three weeks of your life laid out in a neat little chart that is detailed down to the minute and overflowing with things to do. "This is the choice they've given us; either we push you through this schedule and extra dance practise and debut in three weeks, or we wait sixteen weeks, and you do all of these things with the rest of us in a reasonable timeframe. I've been looking at it all week, and...I think it's too much. Waiting gives us a song prepared for nine members, takes the pressure off of the managers, gives you time to get to know everyone..."

You're forced to swallow the lump in your throat as you read the schedule and realise that Chan is right; the next week is full of photoshoots and content creation, with no room left for the dance practise you know you need to keep up with. It's rushed, and it's daunting, and at first look you're not really sure at all how you would handle everything. It's the life you've been training for for years now, and yet so many of the things on this list you feel like you haven't trained for at all.

"You're right," you admit, around a tongue that sits too heavy in your mouth. "I don't know why they thought this would work in the first place, when I'm so-"

"Someone high up had a great idea, and wanted it seen through as fast as possible," Chan says before you can finish. "Stray Kids haven't had a really...successful year. Maybe they were thinking of dropping us unless something changed, maybe they just really liked you. They've already agreed to push your debut back to September anyway, so it's not something we need to worry about now."

"As long as they still think it's a good idea in September," you say, and you manage to keep your tone light even though it doesn't sound much like a joke to you at all.

Changbin is the one to speak up, his hand slapping the arm of the couch. "They can't mess with us like that," he declares in the kind of voice that says he has complete confidence in what he says. "You want to be in Stray Kids, you're in Stray Kids, and you're not leaving."

"Exactly," Chan says warmly, and you manage to muster up a smile even though that tension still squeezes tight in your chest at the thought of another three months of limbo, not knowing if you'll stay or if you'll go. "Now," he says, turning back to his laptop, "I have better news; I've got a part for you in God's Menu that I want to hear, and I can play the next title track for you..."

TAGLIST

@kokinu09 @rainfallingfromthesky @lixie-phoria @mysweethannie @chlodavids @hanniemylovelyquokka @tfshouldidohere @lauraliisa @puppysmileseungmin @kalopsian-thoughts @puppy-minnie @readerofallthingss @dvbkie099 @kthstrawberryshortcake-main @acker-night @d-chagi @lynlyndoll @borahae-reads @ihrtlix @yienmarkk @minhwa @i2innie @jinnie-ret @conwunder @amesification @starssongs98

[erbiumspectrum]

Hey Lena, how do you stay positive? 😅

(love your blog btw, you're a real inspiration!)

Hi, aw, thank you, that's really sweet :') <3

I'll be honest with you, I've spent a lot of time typing, deleting, and typing again here. I left it in my drafts, but I still struggled to come up with a good answer. Do I come off as positive? That's nice, that's a good thing. I'm definitely not that positive though. I'm a worrier and an insecure perfectionist, even if tbf that's just a result of almost lifelong depression.

Ironically, that might be the reason why I may seem to be a positive person. I spent a big chunk of my life in a very dark place. Every next year that I made it through would come as a surprise. I didn't have any plans for after high school because I thought I'd have killed myself long before that day came. There was nobody to help me, I was all alone.

And look at me now! I finally found a psychiatrist who doesn't treat me like a hysteric and as a result I've been medicated and stable for a couple of years now. I have loved science ever since I was a little kid - then my depression told me I was a hopeless idiot who could never, ever study any science - now I'm a little over one semester away from getting a degree in chemistry!! Better yet, chemistry is it, you know? The one science that truly has my heart. And I get to learn all about it! From other people who also love chemistry!! And I'm actually doing pretty good, I'm one of the best students!!

I used to be that straight-A nerd without any friends and now all my friends are nerds! I'm friends with people who also love chemistry, people who understand me, who accept and cherish my nerdiness even when it doesn't match theirs, people who love me the way I am!! For over 20 years that was something I couldn't even imagine and now it's my reality.

My social anxiety used to be so bad I couldn't even walk into a store - I don't mean interact with the cashier, I mean literally just walk into the building. Now the people at my faculty's cafeteria know my coffee order by heart, I have a chat with the cloakroom lady, I speak up in class...

How could I not appreciate it all?

I'm sorry I don't have any advice. But if I come off as a positive person then that's only because I still can't believe that this is my life. Depressive episodes aside, I'm happy because this - studying a beloved science, having dear friends, not feeling like every day is only a painful chore - is relatively new to me and it's mind blowing that I (I!!!) am also allowed to have it.

I know this isn't what you came here for but unfortunately, I don't have anything else. I'm not consciously trying to be positive - I'm just acutely aware how precious this one lifetime on earth is.

[pomefioredove]

I AGREE SO HEAVY ON THE IDIA TALK. especially since some students also kind of look down on him for it?? like they think he's pretentious and decide to mock him when he "chickens out" of things (like if he doesn't show up to a ceremony after saying he would, they'll go on to say "of course he wouldn't, he never does"). idia is such good representation, he's insanely relatable coming from someone who also has social anxiety, and that's what makes him one of my favorite characters. i understand him, i adore him, and i find him interesting (also. hes a hear me out but that's hardly relevant to me personally)

going on from that, i think what makes me love and adore twst characters so much is that their flaws are prominent, and most of them end up morally ambiguous or morally grey due to these flaws. not only that, but their flaws feel REAL. a lot of them have very,, realistic?? flaws, especially considering their ages, and i think that just adds to the charm of them, because at the end of the day? for the most part, they're still teenage boys

anyways don't mind another (incomprehensible) yap session. i saw your idiaposting and that awakened something in me even if i went horribly off topic in this little tangent

- 🦇

THEY TREAT HIM LIKE SHIT!! I have more to say on the context of that, but that's for another reblog...

I get it. I like that he's not just "shy" and I generally dislike it when people characterize him as submissive or timid. idia isn't a damsel in distress in need of being saved by an extrovert. he just has depression LMAO. and he pretty obviously does not like his peers. it's not just him being "shy", like he's not yearning to become sociable or extroverted, if anything he really does seem to seek out people who understand him rather than try to fit other's standards (he makes a few comments on feeling comfortable with yuu because they're more introverted, like him). and yeah he's a little set in his ways and some of those ways are unhealthy, but I feel like there's this attitude about idia that implies he needs to be fixed. he doesn't. he doesn't need to make himself palatable to appease the world. his entire arc in book 6 was learning that, no, the world probably isn't going to accept him no matter what he does, but some people will, and those are the people he needs in his life

good. realistic representation of mental illness. I get this

[wroteclassicaly]

Walk Until You Belong

(Eddie Munson x Female Reader, Steve Harrington x Female Reader)

Summary: Amongst confusing and mixed up words, you think you realize where you really stand, with those who matter the most to you, particularly Eddie Munson.

Pairings: Eddie Munson x Female Reader, teases Steve Harrington x Female Reader

Warnings: Language, anxiety, panic attack, extreme self-esteem issues, HEAVY on the angst, no happy ending (this one hurts, folks), Eddie is mean with his words, depression, & extremely (be warned) sad thoughts.

A/N: This thought randomly came to me in the car today, then proceeded to poke and prod at me until I wrote it down/out. This is what came of it, and it’s a product of mind mindset, as of lately. Please read the warnings and air with caution, because it’s meant to work out my own feelings, and as of now, there’s no second part planned and there isn’t a happy ending here. I leave it open-ended. Just know, this piece is really vulnerable to me, and I’m not gonna and say I didn’t cry a little while writing this, so I feel like it’s a personal breakthrough, and I wanna share it with you all ❤️♥️

Sidenote: Using the nickname of Princess in this fic, instead of Y/N. Also, Eddie isn’t nice in this. He’s not exactly awfully, openly mean, but his words are pretty cruel. So… be warned! Nancy makes an appearance as well!

You didn’t really peg Eddie Munson for a mean person. Intimidating, sure, tough because he needed to be - yeah. But outright cold and as nasty as his former bullies? You stand frozen, back against the cool wall of the hospital corridor. They’re still talking, bonding, two completely different people that never knew one another three months ago, yet they’re making it work. You’ve known the entirety of the party since this whole underworld shit began, roped in by being Dustin’s neighbor and giving him rides home from Hellfire for his mom.

No one ever called you outside of the world ending, outside of you taking a kid some place, bringing your random gifts, lending an ear on the phone when the trauma got too much. You weren’t invited to their gatherings, you weren’t in on their inside jokes, but you figured if you made yourself more approachable, more social. And seeing how they welcomed Eddie, someone you had admired since your freshman year - you were sure it was gonna work, that you were slowly being accepted. You helped defeat monsters and evil men, dark creatures, and underworlds. It was you who helped Steve Harrington drag Eddie’s bleeding and mauled body back into your world.

Since that night three months ago, you have done everything to help him. Brought his school work so he could graduate, promised to hand deliver his diploma if he wasn’t strong enough by mid June to walk across that stage, even saying you’d flip Higgins the double bird for him. You tried to help him plan campaigns, you bought him several tapes, and most recently - you’d taken up a magazine subscription of his favorite metal scene, just so he would have all copies. He was always so boisterous, making you melt and smile, and you wanted to help put some light back into his eyes after he’d lost a lot of that sparkle. The issue you got in the mail today, it looked promising, making you eager to take it to him on your lunch break from the video store.

Recently able to fight off your anxieties and getting into the workplace to cover shifts for Steve as he healed, you had extra money to spare and a pep in your step. But when you had reached Eddie’s room door in the hospital, Steve’s voice had halted you. You’d pressed your back aside and out of view, a smile on your lips as they mentioned you. They were gonna be your friends, maybe Eddie would even show you what certain things meant in the magazine, what he liked about their scene, his scene. You wanted to know so much about him, but could never muster the courage to ask.

“I thought the Princess was coming by today?” Your nickname. Not one in malice, but one gifted by your peers for your love of literature. It extended to everyone, apparently.

Your heart leapt, pulse in your throat, eyes casting down at the glossy cover in excitement. And then Eddie had sighed deeply, as if he was in pain. You were prepared to go and get a nurse, when he speaks out, “Seriously, dude?”

Your brows had knit in confusion, a gnawing starting in your stomach, a coolness chilling in your muscles, scraping apart your veins and brimming them full of ice. Steve confirmed, causing you to step back further out of sight. You should’ve left immediately, because you knew you were not going to be able to handle what Eddie’s reply would be, what you fooled yourself into thinking wouldn’t happen.

“What if I pretend to be asleep? Think she’ll leave and go bother someone else?”

A sharp ache pries apart your ribcage and fills it with hot ash, wafting smoke from the destruction suffocating your throat. The first wave of tears prickles your sclera, clouding your vision as your head bows.

“Munson…” Steve sighs.

“Listen, Harrington, I know I’m a freak, man, but she’s just weird. She doesn’t even know me and she subscribed to a magazine I have, just to bring me the issues. She tries to get involved in my campaigns. I know she drives Henderson around and that she’s fought all that nasty shit with you guys, but like… She’s not even in your ensemble of friends, is she?”

Your entire lifetime of actions involving them all flash in the forefront of your mind, and everything you went through by their sides.Have you done anything so out of the ordinary that none of them haven’t? You’re not loud, not like Eddie is, you’re not extremely quirky. You were sure you weren’t bothering anyone when you started being more vocal. Salt. You taste its first humiliating tang hit your lips, your tears free flowing.

“Not really.” Is what Steve responds with, prying back your subconscious with a crowbar and letting reality crack your skull open to let your insecurities flood you until you begin to feel the beginning stages of dissociating panic.

More than two years and you’re still considered a nobody to people you fought beside and nearly died for. People you convinced yourself that they just needed to know you, to see, and they would care about you just as much as you care about them. You realize, however, with a sickening irony, that Vecna must have been fooled by your sated mindset, thinking you weren’t alone and that you were happy, or he would’ve targeted you instead of someone else. And that part, the deep part that’s engraved into your DNA, rooted to every cell and particle, it bites back thoughts you try not to pin on yourself. Maybe he should’ve.

“Hey, Princess, what’s going on?” Her sweet perfume and her soft demeanor make your body feel like it’s weighted down, caught and unable to escape. You don’t look at her yet, turning your head to attempt (pathetically) to wipe your tears and clear your vision.

Steve and Eddie hear and the conversation is halted, their smiles happy and comfortable. But even as you bypass Nancy’s concerned looks, her question at your obviously panicked expression, forcing yourself to walk into the room with her to save face — you aren’t buying either boy’s look. It’s not you they’re happy to see. You shift, a discomfort squeezing your sternum and extending into your guts, anxiety using your esophagus as a trampoline and tempting your food to expel. You feel as if you’re not even here, that this isn’t real, that it’s a nightmare bigger than anything you’ve ever faced.

Dealing with demons and evil creatures that only existed in storybooks is one thing, but doing it alone, knowing that that’s all you’ve ever truly been… it’s worse than when you automatically followed Nancy into that rift to save Steve. No one called you after Vecna, sans one simple call from Steve to ask if you needed anything. But that was it. Your brain snaps back, still able to get you as you’re not all here. King Steve hated you, and not even this kind version cares for you.

You’ve kept the magazine at your side so far, and you let it fold in your tight grip, crushing and crumbling the pages, voice becoming weak and breathless as Steve asks why you’re here, a grin on his face, knowing already. Fuck this. You’re drowning and you need to get the fuck out of here.

“I have to go. I’m… I gotta go, I’m sorry.” Your voice cracks, shatters your facade, and you don’t look at anyone.

Nancy leans out as you move quicker down the hallway, faster than anticipated. She watches your arm elongate and toss something into one of the janitorial cart’s trash cans.

“What the hell was that about?” Steve is confused, Eddie bewildered.

“I was gonna ask you guys. She looked upset before we even came in here,” Nancy responds.

“Didn’t you two walk in together? Maybe somebody bothered her, or she saw something?” Steve questions once more.

“We all agreed to give her space, just like we always do. So no, I didn’t want to crowd her. She was already here anyway, just standing outside the door and looking… I don’t know, lost? I’ve never seen the expression that was on her face before.”

Eddie feels as if something else entirely has re-stripped his recently healed skin. Steve swallows harshly and fixes Eddie with an immediate glare, both sharing realization and regret.

“She just trashed some magazine, maybe it was because of that —“

“Shit. Fuck, man.” Eddie finally speaks, starting to lift his upper body, his underused limbs protesting, stitched skin screaming.

“Stop, I’ll go, okay?” Steve interjects, resting bitch face activated and his jaw clenching, upset he let himself say what he did, and is already out the door, leaving Eddie to explain to the ever inquisitive Nancy Wheeler and her journalistic heart and soul.

By the time Steve catches up to you, jogging and slightly out of breath, he isn’t prepared to share his ex’s sentiment on your tormented expression. You look… demolished, haunted. Steve has felt it, a fragment of what bullshit you must be feeling, given what you’ve just heard. He’s done a lot of things, but he’s never felt more like an asshole than he does now, staring at your trembling hands that drop your car keys twice, your eyes so full of tears he wonders how you were even able to see to get out of the building and into the parking lot. He has the sudden overwhelming urge to wrap you into his arms and hold you. So he lets his instincts go and attempts to reach out.

You sound strangely reserved, settled. You smile sadly, wiping at your eyes, the skin raw and overheated. “No. I understand, okay. I got it. I really do. I’m fine.”

“Princess, you don’t have to —“

A beeping sounds off between the two of you, your fingers reaching into your belt loop and unclipping the beeper after a quick glance. You still don’t look at Steve. He can feel his own irises becoming shrouded with tears, his chest being clawed apart and dug into. It hurt more than any hive mind bats or Russian torture. You sidestep away from him, mumbling. “It’s Keith. I have to go.”

“It’s my shift, Princess,” Steve grasps your wrist in his big palm and squeezes, trying to pull you back to him, to convey, to express. He cares. He didn’t mean it in the way that you thought, “Please?”

You jerk yourself away from him. You look angry now, and wipe your nose at the same time Steve does - water finding his lash line.

“I took the shift. It’s fine. Goodnight.”

You’re falling apart as you turn around again, not permitting yourself to watch Steve and his attempts to amuse your anguish with pity - standing in the parking lot, wiping at his nose continuously, in your rear view.

Steve grits his teeth as the tears drip onto his cheeks, his hands running up into and through his hair. They beyond fucked up…

// Eat me paragraph //