#even my dad listened monster which was a big thing because he was kinda shitty dad

[i-am-cesear]

Holy shit I just listened Exo for the first time after almost 6 years. My mind blown. I felt like a high school student again

[guacameowle]

Random Storytime!

February 14, 2020 is the 23rd anniversary of my becoming a vegetarian! 

Most people wouldn’t have this day memorized; it’s not as though I actually celebrate in any way. The only reason I remember is because how I became a vegetarian happened in such a ridiculous way (& semi-traumatizing for myself as a child) that it has remained a very vivid memory of mine to this day. 

When I was in 2nd grade my family up & moved across the country to Texas. As we settled into our new home, my mom took up a temporary job as a substitute teacher for the school district my older brother & I were enrolled in.

On February 14, 1997, a Friday if I recall, my mom happened to be the substitute teacher for my 2nd grade class (Cheers to my 2nd grade teacher for ditching her class of children to leave a whole day clear to get dicked down for Valentine’s Day. Respect.). This wasn’t the first time my mom had been my substitute teacher (my hometown was very small at the time) so I didn’t think it would a day different from any other.

Our teacher had left us with a bunch of busy work - random worksheets to fill out, drawings to finish, stories to read. My mom wasn’t required to teach any lesson plans, just to move us from one task to the next after a set time. 

One particular worksheet required that we “connect the food to the animal it comes from.” The left column had various foods (eggs, hamburger, steak, sausage links, chicken nuggets, & a ham) & the right column had a few animals listed (cow, pig, chicken, ostrich, & horse). 

What kinda fucking worksheet????

Should have been easy-peasy, right? Yeah, the rest of my class thought so as they were all zooming through the worksheet without being confused as fuck like I was. I spent a good few minutes sitting in my chair looking around at my classmates & back down to my paper several times, wondering why nobody else seemed to not need any help. After a while I thought maybe since I was new to the class, as I had only recently moved to Texas, that I had missed the lesson explaining this concept. 

No big deal. I’d just go up & ask my mom since she was my substitute teacher that day. I brought the paper up to the desk where my mom sat, handed it to her & said, “I don’t understand.” She took one quick glance at the page & simply repeated “connect the foods to the animals they come from.” Blink blink. Blink. Yeah, I can fucking read, mom. Thanks. What does that mean exactly? I asked again, “What does that mean?” My mom took a pencil & drew a line connecting the hamburger to the cow on the page. My exact words to her were, “A cow poops a hamburger?” 

I will never forget the look on my mom’s face when she fucking realized she had never taught me what meat or animal products were or where they came from, particularly how they were obtained. ‘Oh shiiiiiiiiiiit’ doesn’t even being to cover that expression she wore.

Now, at this point, I should make it known that by the age of 8 years old I was deadset on becoming a veterinarian; it was all I had wanted to be since I was 3 years old (at the age of 25 I officially became one, heyoooo!). I loved animals more than anything else. I had once beaten the shit out of my older brother because I saw him try to kick a pigeon - I went into a blind murderous rage! Even after my dad had pulled me off of him & held me upside down I didn’t stop swinging & kicking. Point being - I LOVED ANIMALS MORE THAN ANYTHING. I would never do anything to hurt them. 

My mom wasn’t gentle when she dropped the earth-shattering knowledge on me that some animals were used for human consumption. 

“No, a cow doesn’t poop a hamburger. The cow is killed and cut up for meat to make a hamburger. *she draws a line from sausage links to the pig* Sausage comes from pig meat. *she draws a line from chicken nuggets to the chicken* Chicken nuggets are made from chicken meat. *she draws a line from eggs to the chicken and ostrich* Birds lay eggs, some kinds that we eat. *she draws a line from the ham to the pig* Ham comes from pig meat.”

Here is where I finally overcame my absolute shock & horror at all this new information that had been thrown at me about my precious animals... & broke down crying, very loudly, then proceeded to run out of the classroom because I remembered that my dad had packed me a ham sandwich intended for lunch that day. Wasn’t fucking eating that anymore. Nope.

My mom gets a neighboring teacher to look after the class & goes off after me. It was easy to find me, just had to follow the noise of the wailing & sniffling little girl in the bathroom stall.

I don’t exactly remember how she coaxed me out of the stall back into the classroom, but I do remember yelling at her that I thought her & dad were liars & monsters for letting me eat animals & that I would never trust food ever again, lololol. 

She didn’t make me finish the worksheet. Years later she told me she finished it for me so I’d get the credit, but she figured I’d been traumatized enough.

Lunch time rolled around a short while later. I had a packed lunch that my dad had so lovingly made me, the monster-liar-animal-eater that he was! I refused to eat anything that was packed for me until I asked a bunch of questions about it. I sat with my mom in the classroom during lunch & pointed at everything that was packed for me & everything that she’d brought for herself, asking if it came from an animal & which animal. The only thing I’d deemed safe eating were my carrot sticks, some grapes, and my apple juice - but even then I was still suspicious. I glared at my mom the entire time she ate her own ham sandwich. 

On top of that, it had been Valentine’s Day! Everyone in my class had exchanged chocolates, my absolute favorite food! Which animal did chocolate come from? Monkeys? Penguins? Turtles? I didn’t fucking know! My mom explained it came from a bean grown from the ground, but that it was sometimes made with milk from cows. Alive cows that were only milked & not killed. I was suspicious & no longer had any trust in me, so I didn’t eat a single piece anyway. Do you know how it was for me to not eat any of the chocolate that day???? IT WAS THE HARDEST THING I’VE EVER DONE! 

It took me a while to come to terms with the fact that people ate animals. I was very upset & offended, but decided that just because they all did didn’t mean I had to! So, I became a vegetarian that day. My parents thought it was a phase, that I’d grow out of it. At first they joked that I liked meat too much to give it up forever. After a few weeks of that not working, they took me to a doctor to have him explain the importance of having a balanced diet for a growing child, but I didn’t care to listen. I did get sick a few weeks after that - surprise, iron deficiency! A different doctor helped me make a list of vegetables I needed to eat more of if I wanted to stay healthy. 

So that’s how I became a vegetarian; a shitty ‘connect the foods to the animals’ worksheet that traumatized me. A day that was meant for love was the day of my worst heartache. At the time it was horrifying, but now it’s become a funny family story my mom likes sharing with people. Occasionally she will randomly say “a cow poops a hamburger?” & laugh at me.

[trvelyans-archive]

a commission for @sexysideoftheforce of his lone wanderer sarah and butch deloria <3 thanks for commissioning me andy, i love you so much !!! i hope i did right by your gal :)

---

The hot, heavy sun beats down on them. It cooks them in their travelling gear as Butch follows Sarah down a narrow pathway between two huge boulders he swears are going to fall on them any minute, and he frowns as he glances up at them uneasily, wiping his forehead on the back of his hand and then wiping the back of his hand off on his dusty pants. She said they weren’t too far away from Megaton, whatever the fuck that is, and once they get there they can take a break at her house (which Butch didn’t know she had until she mentioned it), but they’ve been walking for hours without a break and Butch needs a drink.

He leans against the rock and pulls his flask from his pocket, tipping his head back and taking as long of a swig as he can until he chokes.

Eventually Sarah realizes he stopped and turns around, raising a hand to shield her eyes from the light. “Hey, we need to get a move on, DeLoria,” she says. She doesn’t say it soft but she doesn’t say it rough, either, and that’s the only reason he actually listens. Normally he wouldn’t – if she bitches, he bitches back, and he feels like that’s only fair, but right now they’re both wiped and he just wants to find some place to sleep that isn’t covered in mutated animal shit.

“Fine,” he says, pulling away from the rock and stowing his flask away again. “You better keep your promise about a nice home-cooked meal, by the way.”

She frowns at him as he lumbers down the path to join her again. “I don’t remember making any kind of promise like that,” she says pointedly as he brushes past her and continues down the path.

“What happened to getting a move on?” Butch calls to her over his shoulder, trying to disguise his disappointment. “We can argue over dinner if you want to, gal, but we actually need to make it alive to that dinner first.” Hopefully she’ll be tired enough by the time they get there that he can just trick her into making it for him. She’s not gonna be very good at it, he thinks, since she can barely cook a can of beans over a fire without burnin’ them, but he’s sure he’d end up blowing something up if he tried and then she’d shoot him through the skull like she does to all those raiders. Otherwise, he would.

Maybe. If he felt like it.

Sarah says nothing more to him. Instead she follows him down the path for a minute or two until he very nearly trips over a rock and then, once he recovers and straightens himself out, they both realize he has no idea where he’s going, and she pushes in front of him with a huff to take the lead again. Butch rolls his eyes as he adjusts his grip on his gun, the one she gave him after she was finished with it.

She was right – it’s a piece of shit. It’s the only thing he’s got, though. God knows she isn’t gonna give him anything better.

Well, he has two things, actually, he thinks after a little while. He may not love Sarah, but she’s what he has left of the Vault, and she’s taken care of more than a few bloatflies and radroaches for him over the few weeks they’ve been together. So, it could be worse. Not much, but it could be worse.

To be honest, he doesn’t know why she invited him along with her, especially when he was practically black-out drunk when she found him in that run-down bar in Rivet City. They barely get along now and they got along even worse back home, and they beat the shit out of each other a couple times when they were kids, and she seems like the kinda person who wouldn’t look past that stuff so easily and would probably hold a grudge strong enough to kill a guy just by starin’ at him, but still, here they are, and it surprises Butch every day that she doesn’t throw him into a river and let him drown.

Now that he thinks about it, he probably shouldn’t push her about making that dinner…

Still, he catches up to Sarah, who’s fiddling with her own gun and staring off into the distance to where Megaton probably is, at least he hopes so because his stomach his grumbling and he thinks that the soles of his feet might be bleeding in his boots, and then clears his throat to get her attention. “So,” he says. “I wanted to ask you somethin’. Or… say somethin’, I guess.”

She nods in reply, and he clears his throat.

“I know… Okay, look.” He reaches for her arm and pulls her to a stop. “I just wanted to say sorry.”

Sarah raises an eyebrow, shifting her weight from one foot to another. “Ok-aaay,” she says uncertainly. “Is… uh… that’s everything?”

Butch furrows his eyebrows. “Uh… I guess?” He cocks his head at her. “You’re not gonna except my apology? I-it takes a big man to apologize about his… uh… wrongdoings, you know, so I think you should… I don’t know… be a little nicer to me about it. Maybe.”

“What are you apologizing about?” Sarah asks. “Do you even know?”

Butch stares at her blankly. “… Everything?”

“You know what I want an apology for, Butch?” She steps towards him threateningly, her eyes narrowed. “I want an apology for you making my life as shitty as you could when we were kids. My mom was dead, and my dad was super busy all of the time, and you made me feel like I had no fucking friends! So…” She breathes in deep as if she can’t believe she just said all of that and her voice comes back a little quieter. “Maybe I’d like an apology for that instead of your general... I dunno... headassery.”

He rolls his eyes and gives her a scoff, crossing his arms over his chest. “So what?” he says defensively. “You want me to apologize for being a dickhead kid? We were all dickhead kids! You kicked the shit out of me sometimes too, you know!”

“Yeah, only because you started it!” She jabs her finger into the centre of his chest, and it hurts a little, and he pretends like he doesn’t wince.

“Only because you were a little –“ He stops himself. “Asshole!”

“You were an asshole first!” Sarah protests. “You tried to steal a sweetroll from me at my 10th birthday party, Butch, do you remember that?”

He doesn’t. “You probably deserved it.”

“No, I didn’t!” She shakes her head, laughing. “I was 10, and you were 10, and we could’ve been friends because I really wanted to be, but…”

“You had friends,” he points out as if he’s one-upping her, because she’s pointing out all of his flaws right now and he really didn’t expect that, especially because he’s hard enough on himself as it is that he doesn’t need her chiming in and giving her opinion. “Well… A friend.”

“Yeah, and you picked on her every chance you got, Butch!”

He bristles. “She deserved it!”

She didn’t. She was a kid. They were all just kids. But he’s trying to get by and he can’t have her dragging up the past like that.

And Sarah is fuming so hard that Butch expects her explode like a nuke so instinctively he takes a few steps back only for her to follow. “No, she didn’t!” she says. “And after I left, she took care of you and everyone else in that Vault anyway, even though none of them really deserved it. You didn’t, either.”

“Don’t say that about me,” he says, reaching up and knocking her hand away before getting up in her face like she had to him a few seconds earlier. “Don’t say that about me, Sarah, okay? I work my ass off out here to make sure you don’t get killed by all these bullshit monsters, okay? The least you could show me is a little goddamn respect!”

“Respect?” she says. “You think you deserve that?”

“Is that why you hate me?” he asks, sneering. “Because I picked on your little…” His bravado is fading quickly, but he’s not gonna back out of this argument for anythin’. “’Cuz I picked on your little girlfriend? That’s why you hate me, huh?”

She punches him before he can think of anything else to say.

He staggers back and loses his balance as he reaches out for the rock to steady himself, and then he falls onto the ground sideways, the rocks scraping up his other cheek and his arm as he collapses onto his side. As if that wasn’t bad enough, he lets out the most childish, pathetic string of noises in the world before he can help himself and after he realizes that he did, he’d rather lie here and rot than get up and face her, especially because she’s probably right. No, she’s definitely right.

Pretty much the worse way to end a fight, he thinks. He’s going to be embarrassed about this whole thing for days.

Then, he realizes, something is blocking the sun from view, and when he cracks an eye open, he can see Sarah bending down with a hand outstretched, looking more sad than angry like he expected.

“Come on,” she says quietly. “We’re almost there.”

It’s night by the time they trudge into Megaton, though which is a dump exactly like Sarah described it, but from where he stands beside her he can see her shoulders relax (though she’d probably never admit it). He barely has time to take it all in before she’s heading towards some beaten-up two story building around the edge of town, fishing in her pocket for something, and he hurries to follow her, rubbing his scratched-up cheek because shit, it really stings.

When they pass through the door, she swings her bag off and throws it on the ground; her jacket follows soon after. Butch uncertainly tugs his own jacket off and stores it in a nearby locker, stowing his gun in there as well because he doesn’t wanna accidentally shoot something.

He finishes unloading his stuff, and as he turns around, Sarah clears her throat, arms crossed over her chest.

“You don’t look too good,” she says.

“Yeah, didn’t think I did,” he replies, stuffing his hands in the pockets of his pants.

There’s a long, awkward pause, and then Sarah jerks her head towards the stairs. “Go sit in the spare room,” she tells him, “and I’ll be up in a minute to deal with you.”

For some reason, he’s scared that ‘deal with you’ means ‘shoot you between the eyes and throw your body out the window’, but he goes, anyway.

Lots of fucked up things are happening today, it seems.

He should’ve known he had nothing to be afraid of, though, because after he makes himself comfortable on a shitty well-worn couch in a spare room, Sarah just comes up to meet him carrying a small cloth filled with ice and a bottle of somethin’ to clean the cuts on his face.

“Take this,” she instructs, handing the ice out to him. He does, because he’s not going to challenge her now that they’re in her house and she could poison whatever food she decides to make (or not make) for him. “Now sit back.”

He leans back against the couch and she sits down next to him, pulling a second cloth from her pocket.

“I’m sorry,” she says evenly as she wets it with liquid from the bottle. “I shouldn’t have… uh… punched you.”

“You think?” Butch says, but he’s smiling a little.

“You deserved it,” she retorts, but she’s beginning to smile, too. “Well, maybe you didn’t. But I am sorry.”

“I am, too.”

It catches her off-guard, and he feels proud for it. Good. He wanted it to surprise her.

“You were right,” he murmurs. “Everything you were saying, you were right. I shouldn’t’a picked on you guys, Amata especially. She was… She’s a good gal. You are too.”

Sarah’s eyes flicker towards him, and Butch takes a deep breath.

“My mom was just… not the greatest.” He laughs but doesn’t mean it. “And I couldn’t… I dunno… Give any of it back, yenno? And I loved her, and I’d never want to. So… you got the most of that, I guess.”

She nods in understanding. “I knew that, I think, actually,” she says. “Consider it water under the bridge.”

“I was gonna anyway, but thanks for your permission.”

Sarah chuckles, wiping his arm clean as he ices his cheek.

“Friends?” he asks, holding his free hand out to her.

The cloth is unexpectedly soft in his palm as she shakes it. “Friends,” she agrees, and Butch can’t help but give her a grin.

[aaronhart93-archive]

lunch ll jaycee & aaron

Discord thread featuring: Aaron & @jayceelynd

Mentions: @romanbeckett @alison-haynes @davieslandon

When: Monday, July 6, 2020

Description: Aaron and Jaycee make up

Trigger Warnings: none

Aaron.

Aaron literally could not believe that Jaycee that had asked him to meet for lunch, but he certainly wasn't going to say no. Jaycee had been his friend for so long, and not being able to take her everyday really fucking sucked. He knew that it was his fault though. He nearly stopped caring about what he was doing to Jaycee by getting together with Roman. He knew it was wrong and he was determined to make up for it. He didn't know how, but he knew he needed to. Seeing Jaycee's face again, prompted Aaron to grin so wide and pulled her in for one of the biggest hugs he'd ever given. And Aaron was a great hugger. "Thank you so much for suggesting this." He said before Destiny hopped from her chair to give her Auntie Jaycee a big hug around her long legs. "as you can see you've been missed by all." he said with a chuckle.

Jaycee.

It had truly broken her heart what Roman and Aaron had done, the way it was done. It was as if her feelings didn’t even matter. As if her side by Roman all that time was easily replaced. So fast, and so quick. When she saw him, her eyes lit up with a smile, tears filling ready to spill as she snuggled her face into his neck. Jaycee held onto him tightly, and laughed as she silently cried when Des hugged her legs. “I missed you both too, so much.” She choked out. Jaycee never wished how alone she felt on anyone. Not even her worst possible enemy, she was just that kind of person. Levi hid behind Jaycee as he watched Des with a crooked little smirk like his dad. Her breath hiccuping as she laughed at both of the kids joining the hug. Truthfully she didn’t want to pull away but they did need to feed the kids at least. Allowing herself to melt into his hug before she pulled back, patting at her eyes. Mouthing sorry about choking up. “I really am thankful you agreed to lunch.” Kissing his cheek before she bent down and picked up Des and spun her, both of them laughing. “Destiny this is Levi, Levi say Hi to Destiny.” She pronounces Destinys name slowly and he simply just said Hi. Looking up from the kids she laughed scrunching her nose. Jaycee loved her niece more than words could form. She had always looked at her as if she was truly her blood, and would hurt anyone that hurt her.

Aaron.

Aaron had been extremely lonely since him and Roman had broken up. It wasn't until he stopped spending everyday with Roman that he realized how many people he had lost when he got together with Roman. It made him think that maybe the choice that they had made to take a break might have been a good idea. Between Jaycee, Landon, and Alison he had fought and lost too many people. Aaron watched her with pleading eyes as she started tearing up. "Jayc.." he began as they hugged. God, he missed her hugs. He could stay like that all day. He hated seeing her cry, but he was a little happy that she was so glad to see him. Aaron's eyes drifted down to the toddler hiding behind the model. "Hi, Levi. I'm Aaron. Destiny's dad." he grinned, waving down to him. Aaron missed seeing her so much; he really had taken her friendship for granted. He especially missed see her with Destiny. He knew that Jaycee loved Destiny just as much as if she were her blood niece. He pulled his friend in for one more quick hug before he told her daughter to sit down next to him.

Jaycee.

Levi did this little backwards wave, waving at himself as he waved at Aaron the locked his big blue eyes back to Jaycee, reaching for her. Hugging him back one last time, she picked Levi up and sat him in the booster seat and fastened him in, handing him his sippy cup. “I kinda want potato soup, like a loaded backed potato soup, with Cajun chicken salad.” She hummed as she looked over at Des and made a silly face at her, laughing at Des’ silly face. “She always wins at these faces..” she sighed dramatically, bringing laughter from the two little ones. “He looks like his daddy, doesn’t he?” She asked Aaron with a smile, and shine to her hazel eyes. Looking over at him she gave him an assuring smile as she placed her pointer finger to her dimple in her chin, winking. Their own little friendship shake so to speak. It was her throwing a white flag at being mad at him or Roman. “I know you’re going to say I don’t owe you an apology but I do for the way I acted. I’m not saying it wasn’t deserved, or that I shouldn’t be hurt or mad. But I am sorry for how I made anyone feel. I can never take back anything I’ve said. I’m sorry.” She said softly as she finished her speech she caught Levi’s flying cup, only to laugh. “Keeping us on our toes.” She nuzzled her nose to the little boys, causing him to grab her face. Looking over the kid menu she decided on getting him a grilled cheese and chicken noodle soup with dinosaur shaped noodles. “What are you two gonna get?” She asked as she closed her menu, taking a drink of her iced water.July 7, 2020

Aaron.

Aaron's kid was continuously standing on the booth and putting practically her entire torso over the table to color, and Aaron was continuously reminding her to sit down and that that was fine behavior at home, but in public he was asking her to sit down. She would listen to him for about 2 minutes before standing back up on her feet again to hover over the table. Aaron tempted her to sit down the promise of a cookie for dessert which finally may have worked. "She's the best at them isn't she?" he mused, giving his daughter a tiny poke in the stomach as he laughed along with them. The businessman brought his attention over to the little boy sitting across from them. His eyes traced over the toddler's facial features, placing which ones looked like his father's. "Yeah." he nodded. Although he hadn't seen Lane in a while, the resemblance was obvious. The corners of his lips turned up into a little smile when he felt her finger on his chin. He reached out pressed down on her dimple lightly. A wave of relief rushed over him. He had had all of this stressed built up about how he made Jaycee feel and how mad she was it him. It was nice to feel forgiven; especially since it seemed like the whole world hated him. "Thank you." he grabbed her hand and gave it a light squeeze. "I totally deserved it, and I'm so so sorry Jaycee. I wish this was different." He really had just put Jaycee on the back burner after they had gotten back from Europe. He had nearly given up on their friendship, and that wasn't fair. He needed to fight for her. His eyes widened as he jumped up a little bit when the toddler dropped his cup. "Those things never end, except when they're older they insisted on having a big kid cup which make even bigger spills." he said with a tiny laugh. "I dunno...What do you want, baby?" he turned to his daughter to show her the options she had for lunch. "Chicken fingers." she demanded, without even looking at the menu. "That was easy." he laughed. "This shrimp bisque sounds amazing for me. And a chicken caeser salad sounds good too because I'm basic." he mused.

Jaycee.

Squeezing his hand back, holding onto it longer than needed. She really missed her best friend. She was definitely in her loneliest state for the past few weeks. If it wasn’t for Lane, she probably would have done something dangerously stupid. Holding onto hope all can be okay again, someone to have movie nights with. Playing games with Destiny and just getting shit faced while picking on one another. “Oh I just can’t wait for the bigger messes.” She snorted out in laughter. Looking over at Levi, her eyes shined with love for the boy she’s barely known for long. But she knew off him and watched from a car as Lane raised him. Playing with his curls. “Yeah it’ll be stressful, but.” She looked over at Aaron. “When they’re grown we’ll miss it.” Smiling softly as she blushed, feeling like an idiot. “Oh, now I want a chicken with bacon, almonds and lots of avocado.” She hummed. “Should I get him chicken nuggets or a grilled cheese..” her brows furrowed. She was so new at this and needed help from her friend. Giving Aaron a pleading look of if she was doing this kid thing right. He knew she had a fear of being a shitty mom, because of her monster of a mother.

Aaron.

Aaron returned the squeeze. Ha hated not being there for her when she needed him most, and he especially hated that he was apart of her hurt. He wanted to put all of that behind them and he wised so desperately that she could. He was so thankful that he had Jaycee in his life; that she loved his daughter with all of her heart. Having a friend love you is one things, but having one that loves your kid just as much as their own is something very unique. He couldn't let go of that. "I can't even think about Destiny growing up. It makes me dizzy just thinking about it." he shook his head. "I mean, it feels like yesterday that Ali was telling me she was pregnant. I was so scared and now I can't imagine my life without her." It was true that Destiny made him really fucking soft. Aaron smiled when she asked him for advice. "Just ask him." he told her, knowing how important it was to make sure that kids knew about personal choice and autonomy. "He's 2 so I think he's older enough to know what he likes and what he doesn't." He lowered his voice. "If not, just get both and I'll eat the rest." he mused.

Jaycee.

Jaycee was helping Levi color on his picture, writing his name down and smiled down at him. “I don’t want him to grow too fast either. It’s crazy.” She looked up at Aaron with a smile. “She’s not allowed to grow up, we’ve had these conversations on our tea time dates. And she said I can’t help it! I tried to stop growing..” she laughed softly as blew a kiss at Destiny. “Levi do you want grilled cheese or chicken nuggets?” She asked him pointing at the pictures of the food as she named them. “Ticken” she yelled all proud of himself causing her to scrunch her nose at his cuteness. “Inside voices remember” she said softly. “Listen I know you had your heart set on helping him eat what he didn’t but the boy has spoken.” She teased Aaron, thinking of throwing her paper straw wrapper at him but didn’t cause what kind of aunt would teach her niece bad behavior. The waitress came and Levi wanted out of his booster seat to be in Jaycee’s arms. Of course she held him as his little head rested on her shoulder. “Is he falling asleep?” She asked Aaron because all the sudden the boy got warm and she’s figured out with time that he gets warm as he’s drifting off. “Levi, you wanna eat?” She asked soothingly and nothing. Making a silly face at Des and Aaron. “Well looks like daddy is gonna eat chicken nuggets after all” she joked as she put Levi in the stroller, Aaron had brought for them. Jaycee was thankful that she had the strength to put everything aside, and move on with their lives. Hopefully as if it never happened one day. There was so much she wanted to share with him, but was scared with everything that’s happened. Gently she swooped one of the curls out of the little boys face as he napped. “I think I’d be lost if his dad wasn’t here.. Ya know?” Looking up at Aaron with a soft smirk. “It’s crazy and scary all in one right now. But I’m taking each day as it comes. That’s all I can do, right”.

Aaron.

Aaron looked at the boy, then at Jaycee. It was clear that she already had love for him. That was Jaycee though. She had so much love for other people around her. It was something Aaron admired about her. "I keep telling her being an adult is no fun, but she doesn't want to believe me." he shrugged. "She gets everything handed to her on a silver platter and still continues to grow on me."he mused, poking her in the stomach gently causing her to go into a fit of laughter. Aaron chuckled. "Hey, the little man's got to eat." he joked. The way that kid said "chicken" was too damn cute. Aaron ordered for himself and his daughter before peering over at the little man across from him, heavy eye lids falling. "Yep. Kid's knocked. That was fast." he laughed. Aaron was happy that he and Jaycee were talking like they normally would again. He missed this. He missed Jaycee in his life. "Listen, I thought that the first time Ali went on tour after we had Des. She was still so young and I didn't think I could do it alone. But I did it, and it was so empowering knowing that I could take care of a whole other tiny human being like that. I mean... I had to have been 22...23 maybe. I grew up really fast when I had her. But honestly, you have that paternal bone. I didn't and had to learn it as I went. It comes naturally for you though." he told her. "Honest."July 10, 2020

Jaycee.

”Did we listen to our parents?” Tilting her head with a shit eating grin on her face, followed by the look of come on now, we’re not that old! “She gets her stubbornness from you and Ali. You more so!” She teased him, not able to not laugh. Looking down at Levi sleeping peacefully and hummed, wishing she was holding him still. Jaycee loved holding sleeping babies so much, she missed the snuggles of Destiny as a tiny baby. “I feel like she’s grown in a blink, man.” She shook her head, playing with her glass of water. Jaycee truly missed this normalcy with her best friend, they had been through too much to not be in one another’s lives. “I think you did awesome, you hardly needed my help. I observed trust me!” She chuckled softly. “Thank you, I wish I was in his life sooner. Like I missed so much, but I don’t know.. He just. I love him.” She shrugged with a soft smile. “Like with my princess..” she made a silly face at Destiny to play with her. “I would never not treat her as my blood, I loved her the second you introduced us. I feel that for him too.” She nodded her head, as if agreeing with herself in some way. “I can’t wait to be a mom now, and that scares me. I have always been so scared to be like my mom if I had a daughter. I refused to even think of being a mom. Now as time has passed and I’ve watched this angel grow and how happy she makes you. I want that, and I believe I can be better than my mom, ya know?”July 11, 2020

Aaron.

Oh, god. They never listened to their parents. Always sneaking off and getting into some kind of trouble when they were kids. "If Des is gonna take after her father, then she won't listen to me at all." she said, looking over at his blonde-haired kid who was more interested in her drawing than the conversation. "Yeah we're both pretty hard headed, but hopefully that'll make her a little badass." he mused. He truly hoped that one day his daughter would grow up to be able to control a room like her parents. "I know, you better cherish these terrible twos," he said as he pointed to the sleeping toddler, "because they honestly aren't so bad coming out of it." he told her. "Thanks, I think I did pretty good too." he sang. Aaron smiled lightly at Jaycee when she told him that she loved that toddler. Jaycee was so full of love; people should consider themselves lucky to be loved by her because she loved so hard. The businessman shook his head. "You're nothing like your mom, J." he promised her. "You're going to be a great mom." he gave her a reassuring smile. "By the way, I brought you your birthday present." He said, as he grabbed the gift bag from under the double stroller and slid it across the table to her. "It's that bag you wanted in Paris and another thing I just bought for you recently." With he breakup, he had been doing a little too much retail therapy.July 18, 2020

Jaycee.

”See what these two don’t realize is we have technology on our side.” She laughed as she took a drink. God they would have been dead if their parents had use of technology like they do now. Jaycee knew her niece was destined to do amazing things with her life. She has so many people that love her and want to see her thrive. And if Levi is like his daddy, she knows he’ll be okay too. “I mean if I get stressed over tantrums. I end up laughing about it later. So far, he hasn’t had that many. Thank god. And you should feel like you have, because you definitely have, Aaron.” Knocking on the wood as to not jinx herself. “In the end I just want them to happy, safe and healthy.” Jaycee ran the back of her fingers over the sleeping boys chubby cheeks. “I want to be a mom so bad, always have..” she said almost absent mindedly, clearing her throat as she looked at the gift back. “Aaron..” she closed her eyes remembering what she told him to do with the bag.. “I don’t deserve anything. I was really rude.. This.” Waving at their table. “Is enough, for me.” Opening the present she smiled at the purse and tried it on, it was so pretty and just what she envisioned. Noticing something else in the gift back she grabbed it and looked up at him while opening it slowly. “Aaron..” she said slowly, laughing faintly. Her jaw dropping, then closing. “It’s beautiful..” she got up and hugged him tightly. “Thank you both for the gifts..” After their hug she sat back down just in time for their food to be brought out, and like clock work Levi woke up, reaching for her. “Her, little buddy” she cooed as she got him settled in her lap and helped him eat, while trying to eat her food as well.July 19, 2020

Aaron.

Aaron snorted. "God, it's like that Black Mirror episode when the mom puts a chip in daughter so that she can see and hear everything she does." He joked. "I'm pretty sure the daughter ended up killing her mom at the end of that show. In all honesty, I can't blame her; that was wack." He chuckled to himself, then shook his head. "Yeah, they are really annoying at the time but when it's all over and done with and you have some time to yourself or when they start being cute again, you forgive them quickly and try to be understanding." He nodded, then glanced briefly over at his kid. He blue eyes fell to Jaycee and the toddler as she mused about having a baby. He knew she wanted one, and she knew chances of having one of her own were slim. Which broke his heart because he knew it broke hers. He still had faith she was going to find someway to be a mom. "No, you deserve it. But I'm happy that you're happy with this." He gave her a comforting smile. "You're welcome. I'm glad you like them." He grinned to himself, then stood up to hug her tightly. Aaron thanked the server when they brought out the food and started cutting up his kid's food for her and told her several times that she needed to wait for her food to cool down for a couple more seconds before she put a hot fry in her mouth.

Jaycee.

Jaycees head fell back as she laughed at his statements of how whack that situation is. “I can’t with you..!” She continued to giggle, sighing as she finally stopped laughing. A few short chuckles here and there. “Oh, I can’t stay mad at them. Neither of these two could ever make me not love them. Even if someone gets sassy and adult like.” She looked over at her niece who was still in her own world, smirking. “This one, is gonna have so many after him too and ugh. I have stressed over Des, and now Levi. Lord, imma need Xanax or something.” She joked easily, but it was the truth. She hated the idea of Des growing older, but loved watching her grow.  Oh the confusion of loving a child. And now add in Lanes boy. “How could I not love him, he’s beautiful, and so sweet.” She did have a bit of sadness behind her eyes with the cards she’d been dealt, but he dulled the ache. Letting the food cool she put Levi in his seat and opened the box again and took it out trying to get it on. Jaycee chewed on her tongue while having a struggle. Sighing, she laughed and smiled at her friend sweetly. “Will you help me?” She asked as she held her tiny wrist out with the bracelet dangling.July 21, 2020

Aaron.

Just the sound of his friend's laugh made his grin even wider. He shook his head when they finally stopped laughing. "Listen, she likes to think she's grown, and had no idea that she's gonna want to be a kid again when she actually is grown." He mused. Aaron shook his head once again. "You won't need Xanax, Jayc. You're gonna do just fine, promise." He reassured his friend. Aaron smiled, pleased that she wanted to put the piece of jewelry on now. He put the bracelet around her wrist and clasped the chain together, thick fingers fumbling to get the hook through the tiny hole. "There. Beautiful." He mused when he finally was able to get it around her slim wrist. He picked his fork back up and continued with his food, checking in with Des to make sure that she was doing okay and encouraging her to take a few more bites of food when she insisted that she was done. "Thanks for suggesting this." He smiled.July 22, 2020

Jaycee.

”I know if I could go back I would at certain times of course..” she smiled and helped Levi with his drink, while Aaron struggled to get her bracelet on. “It’s really pretty, thank you..” she said softly, with a soft smile as she looked at it. Grabbing her fork she took a small bite, and chewed really slow. “I just missed my best friend.. And even if I can’t ever forgive you for what you did, I’m gonna try..” she looked into his blue eyes. Of course she was still hurt and hated what they both selfishly did. It was bad enough certain people that were her friends encouraged if. Clearing her throat, finding herself giggling at how this little guy was ogling over Destiny. “Someone so has a crush, he keeps trying to wink.” She looked at Destiny with a soft wink, leading Levi to try to wink, only for him to close both eyes. “This is so good, there’s almonds in this salad, and the flavors with the avocado and dressing.. Wanna try a bite.” She totally wasn’t offering so she could try some of Aaron’s, I mean that’d be rude right. But, if he offered she’d gladly oblige. “You know those fried onions you put on like green bean casserole? I accidentally put those in my salad the other day, but oh my god! It was so full of flavor. Gotta try it.!” She stayed as she pointed her fork at him, giggling.

Aaron.

"I missed you too, Jaycee." Jaycee was such a forgiving and loving person; even if she never fully forgave him he knew that their friendship wouldn't be over. Aaron was fucking happy to have his best friend back too. He was really struggling without her. Aaron looked at the five year old who tried and failed to wink back at the woman. The bar owner let out a short cackle. His attention turned to her salad, and he stabbed several pieces her food with her fork. "Everything is better with almonds and onions." He mused. "Here..." He said, pushing his salad towards the petite woman, giving her the go ahead to try some of his food. This was like old times. Plus an extra kid this time. Things were changing though. Aaron never thought he'd be in this position before with anyone, much less Jaycee; his best friend since as long as he could remember. Aaron was a parent, and now Jaycee was nearly a parent to Levi. He thought about when they were kids themselves; how simpler things were back then and how he never imagined the pair would end up here. This was a good start though, and the weight he had on his shoulders about how he treated Jaycee was starting to come off his shoulder. He just hoped she would forgive him eventually and he was willing to give her as much time as she possibly needed.

[shametheshadow]

It's been a while. A lot of shit's been going on since I was last kinda active. Sorry, I dont remember how to hide this under a read more line... feel free to scroll past if you arent in the mood for existential whinging. I got a new job and it's pleasant. The people are nice. It's still food, but it's at a fancy restaurant where the management actually cares and tries to keep their crew happy. The hours could be better and I'm currently sick of salads with how many I've made. They give hours based on reliability and if you're a hard worker who is nice to work with. But like... everybody is nice and hard working so it's hard to just muscle in sometimes. But on the positive side I've dropped ten pounds, probably thanks to how light my wallet is. Had an issue with my little brother. Well, there's been an unspoken issue for years that I've been trying to just give him space on, but it finally came to a head. I called him out and he said some pretty hurtful things. I saw him on Christmas, but it wasnt the same. I think it kind of damaged something between us, or at the very least it certainly has me. I think, as people, we build these pillars of absolute truths into our identities. The things we know without a doubt, that we can rely on to stay true even when things are bad. Like, that the sky is blue or that a parent we have will always love us. When those truths are shaken they really make you wonder what else could be wrong or if there was ever any truth in it to begin with. For me, no matter how bad I felt or hated myself, I knew I could be a good sister. I'd throw myself down for it. I have done so, unfortunately, many times before. We all see the world a little differently, so my truth may not be the truth someone else sees. I dont know whether that makes it any better, but I certainly feel unsure about more things now than I used to. Some days I even feel like giving up on our relationship. I'm just too tired, too worn down, and I don't think I can handle being called a failure again. Which sucks, because I dont really want to. I just want to know how to fix it, even though I'm not sure I have any more energy to try again if it's just going to lead to another failure. And on top of all of that my bio dad and all those siblings are tasting the bitter consequences of their actions. My youngest sister got taken away from her parents because instead of breaking up and being adults about it they have to be petty and cowardly. One has unchecked anger issues mixed with plenty of excuses and the other thinks she's owed some sort of respect despite her immature actions. Thing is, I've had plenty of talks with my bio dad about the effects their toxic relationship have on his 6 year old daughter. He knows. He isnt stupid or blind. He'd just rather keep it going despite everyone's unhappiness and dig a deeper hole so he doesn't have to risk losing custody of his daughter if they break up. And here we are now. With his daughter taken away and given to our 21 year old sister who doesn't have a clue. And they've failed to regain custody once already. And you know the fucking hilariously tragic part of it? Me and my sister Des are the only two without some sort of record so nobody else in the family can help. Just a fucking warning for any teens out there who think being a gangster is cool, life always has consequence. Doing drugs, selling pills, pimping, stealing cars, assault, having unregistered weapons... my family has probably done just about anything. Apparently my bio dad's stepfather even threatened to shoot my grandma once. There's an argument to made about the environment they all grew up in, but I really wish people would just have the self awareness to realize that things will always find a way to bite you in the ass and it's it big enough then it'll get the people around you too. I normally get my sister on weekends, but I need to work Saturdays as a requirement for my employment. I try to cut it short so I can be there when they drop her off, but half the time they dont and send her somewhere she isnt supposed to go. I'm risking my job trying to be there when I'm needed, just for them to change their mind at the last second because I wasnt home soon enough. They'd rather risk losing our sister to the system by breaking the rules. CPS doesn't play around. I've had to tell them two or three times that I couldn't take our sister because I was sick or dealing with some really stressful family stuff that Koral didnt need to be there to see. Every time I feel like the punishment is that they stop letting me see her by not bringing her over anymore. Then out of the blue they call on a weekday and ask if I can take her because she has a day off or something. I have never once said no but every time it sends me into an anxiety attack because I can't handle being kept in the dark until they need me. It's got me so worked up that sometimes I genuinely wish I had never been told my dad wasnt my real dad. Of course, I know that by knowing I can help a little girl who needs help, but I wont lie and say that I never wished I didn't have time deal with any of it. I got the news today that my bio dad is in trouble for something else, though they wouldn't say what. So they arent going to give him custody until that's settled at the very least. Shortly into it my sister had asked me to take over the guardianship. I was so out of the loop that I thought the question was absurd. I thought they'd pull it together and get her back in a short time, so what would the point of moving her to another town and school be? How would I go about that? What would the home requirements be? Would I be able to provide for the both of us? I wouldn't be able to leave work until 4 at the earliest shift, so would after school stuff be best or daycare? There's so much that goes into taking care of a kid to just spring that question onto someone. Now it's been four or five months and I'm hating the idea that she's stuck there in the middle of it all more and more. People keep telling me I should take her. Even my manager after I broke down and told him everything after my sister's call left me a mess at work, said that I would be the better option. I know what it's like to be fought over in custody battles and I understand way too well the fear of being taken away from your home as well as what it's like to change schools. I dont want that for Koral. I dont even know if I would be the better option. I talked to my cousin, whom I live with, about it for a while last night and she said she wouldn't be opposed to having Koral with us... but I feel bad making this her issue too. I want what is best for my sister. She's way too smart. You know when unqualified pet owners get a dog breed that is really smart and they struggle to meet the needs to keep it entertained so it just makes trouble? That is what my sister is like. My family has their strengths, but Koral is 6 and could run circles both physically and mentally around them. It might be "funny" now, but Lansing itself is a shitty influence on people and by the time she's a teenager and wants to go to a party, nothing is going to keep her from getting out short of bars on the windows and doors. The only thing stopping her from doing it now is motive. But would I do any better? I genuinely dont know. I wish I could talk to my brother about it. He knows where I come from and, even if he thinks I failed, he could at least tell me how to be better so I dont fuck up again for a little girl who is in a situation similar to one we were in. I asked Des today if she wanted to talk to their case worker about transfering guardianship. She said she's have to talk to her dad... which is bullshit. He lost the right to dictate where Koral goes when he fucked up. How is he supposed to be motivated to fix this if the only thing that has changed is that she doesn't sleep in her bedroom anymore? He shouldn't see her when he wants to or be able to say what happens to her. And I dont say that because I think he shouldn't ever be able to, because I want him to step it up, I just feel like he wont if things keep going as they are. I dont want to lose my sister to the system. Supposedly the social worker said that Koral also has to stay in the same school and can't see anyone not on the already approved list of people for the sake of consistency... but that's stupid. I know that changing schools can be traumatizing, and if Lansing was a good place to live and raise a kid, then maybe I'd try to make that work, but it isnt. So it makes me wonder that if I came to the table with a clearly stable, appealing plan would they change their minds? If it were my choice, I'd have her in therapy to help deal with everything, maybe a sport like gymnastics or whatever else she might be interested in to keep her engaged. I'm planning a kids d&d session for her and another kiddo that she plays with when she's here because last time she found my monster manual and got obsessed. And I know it wont be all good. She's a handful and a brat, and she can be a force of nature when she doesn't get her way, but I've been an older sister since I was five and my family didnt out up with bratty behavior. I know how to deal with it, and I also know how to use the internet and other resources to learn. Hell, I live with a child therapist/youth minister. I know I could do it. Even if it ended up being a permanent thing. I'm torn between the fear of not being enough at the expense of my sister's wellbeing and knowing that I'd gladly twist myself into a pretzel to try and do right. But when it comes to other people, especially a kid, is trying enough? Good intentions don't equal a quality of living. So yeah, that's where I am right now. Trying to be better and figure out who I am while also being incredibly stressed out and lost. If you read through this, thank you for listening to this TED talk. I'm open to advice.

[arsonforcharlie]

Get to know me uncomfortably well: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100

jesus christ

put under a cut because i want to make absolutely sure nobody reads this massive amount of information and also did you ask for EVERY NUMBER EXCEPT 69

1. What is you middle name?

marie

2. How old are you?

28

3. When is your birthday?

november 9 and i bet you didn’t even get me a present, you absolute monster

4. What is your zodiac sign?

scorpio

5. What is your favorite color?

i like jewel tones in general, my fave right now is dark green

6. What’s your lucky number?

i don’t really have one, tbh

7. Do you have any pets?

i do not, unfortunately. i hope to at some point soonish but a lot of that is gonna depend on how my situation shakes out

8. Where are you from?

st. john’s, newfoundland

9. How tall are you?

5′4″

10. What shoe size are you?

9

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

i’m not getting up but like 7? i need to get a new pair for working in and i will be getting rid of the ones i don’t wear so that number is in flux

already answered 12

13. What talents do you have?

none, really. but i’m alright at knitting and generally, like, figuring out how physical objects work and go together. my friends also tens to enjoy the games i run so that’s nice.

14. Are you psychic in any way?

bitch read my mind and find out

15. Favorite song?

i cannot express how impossible it is for me to pick ONE FUCKING SONG that’s my favorite. here’s 5 i always go back to, though!

my tyrant- felix hagan and the family

northbound- grace petrie

staring at the sun- mika

too much- carly rae jepsen

vampire money- my chemical romance

already answered 16

17. Who would be your ideal partner?

well there’s the mushy option in which i name names, but i resolutely refuse to do that since i’ve been informed nobody cares about how queer i am. but generally, i tend towards people i can feel comfortable around. despite me being a huge slut for interacting with people, there’s very few that project the kind of atmosphere that lets me really just chill and start thinking about trusting them.

18. Do you want children?

jesus no don’t put me in charge of a child

19. Do you want a church wedding?

jesus no, even the wedding part of that sounds less than ideal

20. Are you religious?

lmao nah

21. Have you ever been to the hospital?

yeah, a few times

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?

well i have a background check going through right now that’ll answer that for me but i think i have not ever been caught for my many crimes

23. Have you ever met any celebrities?

a few- i met russell crowe on a set once, and there’s a good few smaller time canadians i’ve met just, like, around

24. Baths or showers?

i usually go for showers because i am living in a place with an insufficient bathtub setup, but i have been known to enjoy a nice bath now and again

25. What color socks are you wearing?

bold of you to assume i put on socks when i’m not going out

26. Have you ever been famous?

bitch i’m famous now everyone else just doesn’t know it yet

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?

probably not, i like the act of grocery shopping and going to shitty bars and disappearing, and i couldn’t do that if i was a proper celebrity

28. What type of music do you like?

loud and i can imagine myself being in a cool music video when i walk places listening to it

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?

well yeah obv

already answered 30

31. What position do you usually sleep in?

usually on my side curled up around something, either a person if i’m lucky or a pillow

32. How big is your house?

the apartment is not big enough atm

33. What do you typically have for breakfast?

i don’t usually eat breakfast at all tbh

34. Have you ever fired a gun?

no but i have held one once

35. Have you ever tried archery?

once in high school gym class. i did...... bad

36. Favorite clean word?

i like words that describe the way dragonfly wings look. diaphenous and iridescent and things.

37. Favorite swear word?

i’ve always been a fan of a good solid fuck, and you can quote me on that

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

two days, i think?

39. Do you have any scars?

yep

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?

yeah but they were prolly goofing

41. Are you a good liar?

not under most circumstances

42. Are you a good judge of character?

no, but not in the usual way. i tend to assume people have a lot more hidden motives than they do. like, obviously you don’t want to be FRIENDS with me, you just are PRETENDING for SOME REASON

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?

yeah, as a matter of fact, i can do them ALL AT ONCE

44. Do you have a strong accent?

most of the time no, but when i’m talking to people with a strong accent from back home mine slips back

already answered 45

46. What is your personality type?

while i rarely get consistent answers, i just took the myers-briggs again and got enfp so there’s something

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?

i don’t own much that’s super expensive tbh, i’m broke as shit. my boots cost like 60 bucks and i stressed about that for ages

48. Can you curl your tongue?

yeah, i can do a lot with it

49. Are you an innie or an outie?

innie

50. Left or right handed?

right

51. Are you scared of spiders?

nah

52. Favorite food?

there’s so much food i love! i do have dumplings i am excited to eat tho

53. Favorite foreign food?

again, there’s so much! i am really craving a good currry today i guess?

54. Are you a clean or messy person?

a bit messy, especially with stuff that isn’t, like, a hygenic risk. if things are just out of place i don’t tend to register that as the same level of unclean as, like, food messes

55. Most used phrased?56. Most used word?

these two are ones my friends could probably answer more reliably than me. i do say i’m not a doctor tho

57. How long does it take for you to get ready?

not long, unless i’ve decided it’s a makeup day and i want to do something dumb and fancy

58. Do you have much of an ego?

i talk a big game, but not really, i’m pretty down on myself a lot

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?

succ

60. Do you talk to yourself?

mmhmm- specifically, rehearsing conversations that will never happen

61. Do you sing to yourself?

sometimes, when i’m in a good mood

62. Are you a good singer?

absolutely not

63. Biggest Fear?

there’s a few, but i’d say the biggest one i’ve had the longest is a loss of identity of some sort. like, just not recognizing the people around me, that sort of thing. it’s gotten a bit intense recently due to events but yeah

64. Are you a gossip?

not really- like, i will gladly listen to your drama but i only really talk about it to other people if it actually affects me

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?

oof jesus, i tend to watch more shitty horror movies than anything else bc i’m hot trash

66. Do you like long or short hair?

both are fine on other people, but short hair is way better for me

67. Can you name all 50 states of America?

just did a quiz and only got 40. i didn’t even remember all the ones i had been to so that’s cool. you guys have too many states anyway

68. Favorite school subject?

i was your standard weird queer kid who imprinted on my english teachers

70. Have you ever been scuba diving?

nah

71. What makes you nervous?

so many things tbh

72. Are you scared of the dark?

nope

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?

depends on the person and the mistake, really.

74. Are you ticklish?

fuck off

75. Have you ever started a rumor?

i don’t think so?

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?

i’m a dungeon master, does that counts

77. Have you ever drank underage?

yeop

78. Have you ever done drugs?

yeop

79. Who was your first real crush?

my best friend in elementary school. i wanted her and i to get married to brothers so that we could live next door to each other and have sleepovers every night because i really liked sleeping next to her and doing her hair

hoo boy baby bobbie (i even knew lesbians as a kid! i grew up in such an accepting family! i have no excuse for being so repressed)

80. How many piercings do you have?

just one ear

81. Can you roll your Rs?“

not competently

82. How fast can you type?

pretty fast- i did take a test recently that came back at 68 wpm so my goal is now to get one word faster

83. How fast can you run?

fuck running

84. What color is your hair?

black with green bits, i post a lot of selfies, you know that

85. What color is your eyes?

grayish blue

86. What are you allergic to?

nothing that i know of. undefeated

87. Do you keep a journal?

i post on tumblr a lot

88. What do your parents do?

my mom works in communications- she used to work in politics but now she works for a non-profit because the staff of the party she worked for was, in her words, a “sack of vipers”

my dad was a journalist and a photographer. he was the editor for the paper back home for a long time, and then after that he did a lot of advocacy work for MS. he ran for office a few times. you know, like you do.

89. Do you like your age?

it’s alright. like, i got troubles but i accept that none of that is because i’m 28 and mostly just because i got myself into a dumb situation

90. What makes you angry?

mostly when people don’t seem to care about how their actions affect others. like, i can almost accept malice easier than a profit motive

91. Do you like your own name?

it’s not bad, and i haven’t really hit on any that i like more than bobbie

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?

lmao nope

93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?

i want the child to be born to someone who is not me

94. What are you strengths?

not very many tbh i kinda suck as a human person. i am pretty good at compartmentalizing and staying kinda functional when shit goes down

95. What are your weaknesses?

all of them. specifically, i’m hard to motivate and i got depression

96. How did you get your name?

i was named after my grandmother

97. Were your ancestors royalty?

i know at least one was a criminal. i do have a kickass family crest and tartan tho

98. Do you have any scars?

they haven’t faded since i answered question 39

99. Color of your bedspread?

there’s a gray one and i have a blue weighted blanket i use sometimes

100. Color of your room?

the whole apartment is beige

[blxckdamask]

Trashcan’s Fic Rec: June ‘19

2nd month of fics I've read this month, and the same as last month, I've read a fuck ton of bnha fics (mostly bkdk whoops), with the exception of a couple of marvel fics. Yall this list is gonna be long as fuck so buckle the fuckle in. also sorry for the wait my dumb ass forgot to actually finish this.

Bakudeku Fics: 

Persephone by nikk_pfefferneuse | 70k | 7/7 | au | izuku has a quirk | OOC 

"Stop killing my dad's tulips, stupid!"

The boy looks up, and Katsuki is greeted with the biggest, greenest eyes in the whole entire world. Round baby cheeks dotted with freckles. Petals in his hair.

The air is stolen from his lungs. Words leave him. The world stops moving.

how he should’ve known (and how it turned out) by  vannral | 43k | 13/13 | fake dating | fluff and angst | eventual nsfw

Izuku should’ve listened and known and watched out for this so he wouldn’t be here, in this position. But he is, and everything is awful.

In which Katsuki and Izuku pretend to be a couple to avoid journalists, the plan backfires magnificently because of course it does, and the act goes on. Includes feelings, pining, domestic fluff and jealousy.

Little Sh*t (Kidfic) (series) by  Saysi | 42k | 5 works (unfinished series) | deaging quirks | fluff | these fics are so soft oml | like the smallest possible amount of angst 

When Midoriya Izuku gets hit by an age-reversion Quirk, the last thing anyone expected to find out is that Toddler-Izuku is a little shit.

Except for one Bakugou Katsuki, who has seen this phase one too many times already.

And apparently his "Kacchan" is the only one who can deal with Izuku's screaming fits.

Soft Spots by Saysi | 86k | 45/45 | fluff | nsfw | porn with plot | this fic is so cute i've reread it like 8 times 

Midoriya and Bakugou don't have the best of relationships - except when they find themselves alone.

Bakugou quickly finds himself developing a soft spot for the nerd.

Happy birthday Midoriya!

100 Ways to Say by yabakuboi | 49k | 41/100 | fluff | domestic fluff | all the fluff | dorks in love | getting together | established relationship 

I Love You; or, alternatively, Katsuki and Izuku say what they feel in entirely different words as the years go by.

How to Train Your Shitty Omega by deanvspanties | 293k | 33/33 | abo | fluff | getting together | alpha!bakugou & omega!deku | very nsfw | mpreg | angst with a happy ending 

Izuku will have Bakugou's knot. He's Izuku's alpha after all.

I'm sorry for this, but I just had an image in my head of omega!Izuku destroying the school, hunting down Bakugou, and demanding his knot.

Run Into the Unknown by NightGivesWayToLight | 52k | 15/? | kidfic | fluff | slow burn | angst | future fic | hurt/comfort 

Kaitou shyly reaches up to touch Bakugou’s face. A second later, he changes from a boy with gray eyes and black hair to a mini Bakugou, blonde explodey hair and all. Bakugou almost drops Kaitou in shock. “W-what the--?” “My quirk,” Kaitou says in explanation, smiling a little at the shock on Bakugou’s face. ----------------- When a young boy is found in the wreckage from a building collapse, Izuku and Bakugou's lives change forever.

Chalk and Stale Coffee by Synnie | 45k | 15/15 | au | teacher!midoriya & prohero!bakugou | single dad!bakugou | bakugou is eri’s dad | slow burn | domestic fluff | eventual nsfw 

Raising a little girl wasn't easy, but pro hero Katsuki Bakugo felt he owed it to her after an accident in the field left her parents dead and him shouldering the blame.

But now she was starting school and her teacher was a lot cuter than Katsuki had been expecting.

Vicious  by feelslikefire | 105k | 13/13 | fake/pretend relationship | nsfw | fluff | slow burn | angst | angst w/ a happy ending | friends with benefits 

Midoriya and Bakugou wind up in the very last position either of them thought they'd be in: Hero Partners. It's not fun, but they learn to cope. Their first big assignment together takes them undercover to infiltrate a cult, but the situation turns out far more sinister than they first thought.

(Or: Midoriya and Bakugou pretend to be Fake Married, join a cult, start having sex, and learn not to suck as partners, not necessarily in that order.)

Second Chance by Saysi | 84k | 42/42 | midoriya has a quirk | slowish burn | canon compliant | suicide (kinda) | major character death (kinda) | angst but not really | this fic is soft and fluffy its just hard to summarize the tags 

"If you are still breathing, you have a second chance" - Oprah Winfrey

Izuku Midoriya's life has been plagued with mistakes. People have been hurt, friends have been lost, accidents have happened. When the country is nearing imminent destruction, he remembers every bad move, every wrong word, and wonders if he could have changed things.

Then time stops.

Izuku Midoriya grew up thinking he was Quirkless - turns out he just needed to face death to activate it.

Holding On To You by gg17writes | 10k | 1/1 | fluff | soft bakugou | slow burn | hurt/comfort | angst 

Izuku is touch-starved. Intricate rituals ensue.

Dark Side of the Sun by Synnie | 51k | 20/20 | no quirks au | tw abuse | tw domestic abuse | hurt/comfort | angst | fluff | angst with an happy ending

Staying up too late playing video games, Kirishima wasn't expecting to get an urgent call begging for help. Next thing he knew, he was letting his classmate Izuku Midoriya take refuge in his apartment - without consulting his always angry roommate.

Other Fics:

Kit Kats by  Rosae | todobakudeku|11k |3/3 | fluff (kinda | bakugou gets kidnapped | tw panic attacks | dadzawa | hurt/comfort | angst

Katsuki Bakugou hasn't been okay in awhile. But he's trying. It'd help if one of his boyfriends didn't eat Kit Kats like a monster. Or if a certain group of villains would take a hint and stop trying to kidnap him into joining their boy band. Somehow the first thing still bothered him more.

for the first time by  RedHalcyon | iidabaku | 1k | 1/1 | fluff | domestic fluff | this fic is just fluffy i love it so much 

Now they stand together at twenty-five, gold bands on their ring fingers, hand in hand in front of their first house as husbands.

“This… this is ours,” Tenya whispers beside him, probably in awe of making it this far. Katsuki can relate.

“Yeah. Got our names on the lease and everything.” Katsuki squeezes Tenya’s hand, rubbing his ring with a thumb.

A Dangerous Lifestyle by  matchsticks_p (matchsticks) | sambucky | 18k | 3/3 | nsfw | slow burn | secret relationship | kinda pwp | fluff 

They're fugitives, on the run from not one but several of the most powerful and dangerous organizations in the world. And that's not even what's going to be the death of Sam.

(It's Bucky. Bucky is going to be the death of Sam.)

MHA Adventures in Parenthood by Minglisabeth | multi | established relationships | fluff | kid fics | yall this and the next rec are probably the best parenthood aus this fandom has holy fuck | not mpreg the same sex couples have kids through quirks | 5 works some works are incomplete and so is the series

Through various circumstances, some of the former 1A students become parents.

Parenthood AU Oneshots by  Minglisabeth | 20 works | fluff | angst | domestic fluff | a whole buncha fluff yall 

Oneshots from my parenthood AU. Main series is called MHA Adventures in Parenthood

[screamfairy1996]

Saying Goodbye to My Angel.

Axel woke up from yet another nightmare where Roxas blamed him for his death and screamed that Hikari doesn`t deserve a coward like him as a father. Roxas asked where was he when that monster cut and fucked him so much he bled. Roxas in the dream said he should have left him when he had a chance. Roxas screamed that he hated Axel and that he deserved better than be with a shitty Alpha. Axel rubbed his red eyes and merely huddled under the blankets. Then suddenly, the baby monitor . Axel sighed .Their nine month old daughter is crying again. She must be hungry or needs changing again.

He walked out of his room and walked to Hikari's nursery to hear his little girl crying and wailing in her crib, the nine month old was crying at the top of her lungs and flinging her arms everywhere. Axel walked over bent down picking her up and began rocking her gently. Axel picks up the the formula and placed near her lips. Hikari sucked on the bottle for a minute before pulling back and spitting on Axel`s face. She cried out loudly. Axel sighed in frustration. His face was covered in milk, some even got in his mouth. Axel spits out the bitter taste. Now He knows how Hikari felt when tasting the formula.  He sniffs her for odor. Nothing. He checked her diaper and she was clean. So why was Hikari crying.  “Oh.” Axel thought. She`s sick with a stomach flu and needs the medicine the doctor prescribed him.  Axel carried the screaming baby to the kitchen. He placed her on the rocker while preparing for her medicine.  Hikari calms down while the rocker moves slowly in a rhythm that made the baby stop crying instantly. It took Axel to find the medicine. He picks up Hikari again and placed her on the high chair.  Axel then placed a bib on her, knowing Hikari could vomit anytime. Axel opens the bottle and pours the liquid into the dispenser. Axel then placed the dispenser near the baby`s mouth. Hikari coughs for a bit before swallowing the bitter taste. “Good girl.” Axel cooed. He gets up to cabinet to look for baby food. He finds the Gerber sweet potato and moves to fridge where a warm bottle of milk reside. He prepares the two items and placed them on the table. Axel grabs a spoon and begin to feed Hikari. Hikari absolutely loved sweet potato, so it wasn`t a problem for Axel. Once he`s done feeding his daughter, He gives Hikari the bottle and much to his surprise, She actually takes it from him. Axel smiled sadly. She has no idea, that her mama is gone and he knows she`ll ask questions about him when she gets older. Axel fights off tears as he picks up Hikari and grabs a rag to put it on his shoulder, Axel pats Hikari`s back for a few seconds before she burps and pukes on the rag. Axel then spends the rest of the morning, eating breakfast, changing Hikari`s diaper, and getting ready for the funeral. Axel was dressed in his suit while Hikari was wearing a black dress and shoes. Axel stares at himself in the mirror. Reno should be here by now. A car`s honk confirms it. Axel sighs before grabbing Hikari and her diaper bag and leaving the house. But not before, locking the house.

One hour later.

The church where the funeral was taking place, was rather grim and dark. Rather fitting to this sad day. Axel sat in the couch, watching his friends. Xion and Sora were crying together, holding one and another, while Riku and Kairi watched in sadness. Demyx,  Larxene,Reno,Rude,and even ole Xigbar was here. Three of Roxas`s high school friends were here as well, but of course, his own family didn't`t showed up. They didn`t even called when Roxas went missing or fly over to identify the body. Axel noticed Saix leaning to the door. They haven`t talk much since Axel graduated and moved to Japan with Roxas. They kinda drifted apart by the time Axel got together with Roxas. “What`s he doing here?” Axel thought as he watched Saix talked to Xemnas. “Great, He bought Mansex here, too.” He groaned in his mind. Axel sighed, bouncing Hikari who was chewing her toy.  The parishioner opens the doors and come in. “Casket`s ready for viewer.” Axel`s tears came back and the crowd allows father and daughter to walk toward the casket which laid Roxas. A large portrait of Roxas stood next to the casket.  Axel looked at the open casket. Roxas was dressed in formal wear. His face was still adorned with bruises but he still looked beautiful to Axel. “Angel.” Axel whimpered sadly. He clutched Hikari tighter. He fell on his knees and caressed Roxas`s cold face. “Roxas.... my....angel..... Sometimes I just wish you were here so I could tell you how much I need you and how hard every day has been without you.  It hurts to breathe because every breath I take proves I can't live without you.  As I go on living without you, I go on without a huge piece of myself.  All I know is that I'm lost without you. Counting the seconds until we’re together again, doesn’t heal my loneliness. I miss you so much Angel.  You were the one I loved. I miss you.” Axel broke down crying, holding Hikari. “Hikari missed you so much.  She`s crying for you. Why? Why did you leave her? Hikari loved you.... Hikari needed you.  She was crying all the time and she got so sick. I didn`t know what to do.” Axel cried. Hikari babbled something.  “We missed you already. We love you so much.” Axel gets up and tells Hikari. “Say goodbye to Mommy. Mommy`s with the angels now.” Hikari touched Roxas`s face and cooed. Axel sniffed and choked on his sobs as he sits down with Hikari, sobbing but before giving Roxas a loving kiss on his lips. Axel held Hikari tighter and cried so much tears while his friends went to pay the respect.  A few minutes passed and soon everyone is seated while the priest comes to the microphone and tap the microphone. “Today, We have gathered today for the life of Roxas McCartney. A young life brutally torn apart by depravity, by cowardice, by lack of regard.  This boy has left behind a mate and a child who`s not even a year old.  His mate and the father of their daughter. Axel Flynn is here to give his eulogy along with Roxas`s two childhood friends, Sora and Xion.  The three with Hikari in Axel`s arms come up and to the podium. Axel and Hikari.

Axel took a deep breath. “Thank you all for coming. It`s nice to see familiar faces. Axel looked at Saix. “I first met Roxas back in his final year of middle school. He was so shy and when I first saw him, He was this angel and he was so beautiful.  I walked to him and said. “Name`s Axel. Got it memorized?” Weak chuckles filled the room. “We became best friends and I looked after him and Xion like they`re were my siblings. Eventually, our friendship got stronger over time and I fell in love with him. I confessed after a few months of knowing each other and He returned. Then, after another few months of dating , I was about to graduate early and Roxas was in his freshman year. We got a little too closer and Roxas eventually got pregnant with our princess. He thought I would leave him once I finished school but I never wanted to leave him. And to be honest, I was terrified.  I was turning 17 and was gonna be a dad. But I`d never run out on my Roxy.  Roxas then made the choice to drop out just so he could be a full time mom to our sea salt.  He was a great mom. We made the decision to move to Japan to give our daughter the life she deserves. Not that helped Roxas.” Axel mumbled bitterly.  He kissed the top of Hikari`s head. “We were great parents . We love our baby girl very much. We endured sleepless nights to care of this princess.  When Roxas first went missing,  My heart were torn, I was so scared for my angel. God knows my angel didn`t deserve any bad thing. He was the sweetest and purest boy and my beloved soulmate. Roxas, I`m so sorry, I failed you. I looked everywhere for you and I failed as a protector.  I wish you knew how much it destroyed me when you died and left me and Hikari behind. Yes, I am thinking about you right now and I miss you so much.  Imagining a life without you is something that is impossible, you make me complete and I want you to know you mean everything to me. I hope that one day that I can live happy again with Hikari but right now, I can`t. Do you know something else?  The saddest part in life is saying goodbye to someone you wish to spend your lifetime with. I wanted to ask you to marry me and expand our family but our dreams and hopes have been crushed. It hurts when you have someone in your heart, but you can't have them in your arms. Letting you go wasn't the hardest part. Still loving you afterwards was. I love you, Roxas. My beloved angel.  I just close my eyes because I might see your face. I just close my mouth because I might hear your voice. I just close my ears because I might hear of you, but I could not close my heart because I love you. My Roxy. Me and Hikari love you so much. Axel cried softy as he step down and Xion joins in with tissues in her hand.

“Roxas and I have been friends since we were little. We looked after each other and supported one and another. I was happy for him and Axel. I love their daughter Hikari. Roxas was a good mommy to her. He always put her needs above his own. Roxas was a sweetest and kind boy who always smiles.  Roxas was a great friend. A strong and loving person, real, bold, compassionate ,generous, sweet, gentle and exceedingly affectionate because he cared. A loyal friend and great listener. He`s forgiving and sees the good in everyone. Roxas, I love you like a brother. You`re my big brother. You were a good mother to my niece and she`s is so lucky to have you as her mother.  I`ve had such a good time with Roxas. We defended each other from bullies and I went out of my way to kick some jerk who was making comments about him. Roxas,   Only a true friend would be that truly honest and that`s you. I love you. I miss you.” Xion broke down in sobs and Axel leads her, comforting each other. Sora takes a deep breath and went to the microphone.

“I met Roxas when we were only little kids. I was a brother to him. I did everything I`ve could to get the bullies off his back but they always persist and  One even called me “A Knucklehead McSpazatron.”  Riku and Kairi shakes their heads at Sora`s statement, laughing. “Roxas always forgives his bullies and always stood up for me. He even let me babysit Hikari who adores her Uncle Sora.” Sora fights back sobs. “I miss you so, baby brother and I`ll look after Hikari and Axel for you, I promise and I love you.” Sora got down. He then breaks down crying and Riku and Kairi rushes to comfort him.

After the priest`s speech. The casket was closed, much to Axel`s discomfort.  The priest called for the pallbearers to come and take the casket to the cemetery. Axel was surprised to Saix getting up and assisting. The crowd walked slowly in a gloomy and cloudy day. There were tears, crying,and pure silence. Few of the guests held doves in their hands.  They stopped at he burial site. The coffin was lowered in the hole while Axel cried ,tears to pain. Axel hands Hikari to Xion before collapsing in his knees and went full on sobbing. “Roxas....my....angel.” Axel stuttered in great pain. He hears someone knelt beside him and laid a hand on his back. Axel lifts up to see Saix looking at him with great sympathy and pity. Axel weakly looked at him with a broken look before returning to crying again. The doves were released and flow over the cemetery. In the gravestone, read “Roxas McCartney. Beloved son, friend,brother, and mother. May you always be in our hearts.”  Axel got up after crying his pain out. A hour has passed and the crowd looked the coffin with great sadness. Saix kept a eye on Axel. He noticed someone and growls with anger. “What are you doing here?” He demanded.

Chase comes in, hands in his pocket. “Just heard happened to Roxas. Such a shame.” Chase sighed. Axel didn`t even notice Chase. He was staring off into space.

“Explain yourself.” Saix demanded, baring his teeth.

Reno jumps in, glaring at Chase. “This asshole is on a trip. I told him to stay the hell away from Axel or else, there will be hell to pay.”

“You`re a piece of work, you know that, Chase? Showing up on the worst time.” Rude said.

“So this is the dude that gave Roxas and Xion a hard time during high school?” Xigbar asked.

“Yeah, A perverted scumbag who invades girls’ privacy. He tried to sneak in the girls` locker room many times.” Kairi said.

“Thinks Omegas are lesser beings.” Riku seethed.

“Peeked at me, undressing and tried to feel me under my skirt.” Xion shuddered.

“Spread rumors about Roxas sleeping with other guys behind Axel`s back and told everyone he`s the school`s whore and slut shamed him on the internet.” Sora spats out. “He`s the reason, Roxas and Xion are being called sluts at school. He`s the reason, that Roxas dropped out of school, when he got pregnant because Chase was getting too violent.” Sora added.

“Why are you even here?” Saix demanded at Chase who shrugged.

“I heard Axel made a mistake of leaving poor Roxas all alone with no backup.” Chase said.

“Chase, don`t do this.” Sora pleaded.

“He left him all alone while him and the bastard kid of theirs went for a nice walk while Roxas was being kidnapped. Who knows. Maybe He left to strip naked for money.’” Chase laughed,

“It`s not funny,” Xion scolded.

“Axel, are you sure, she`s yours. Roxas could have slept with anyone before you.”

Axel growls. “You watch your mouth.’‘

“That little breeder whore probably went to you after the deadbeat father ran out on him. Are you even sure, she`s yours? Axel was probably not the first guy, he screwed. That little bastard-” Chase was cut off by Axel running to him and punching him so hard . Saix didn`t even try to stop Axel.

“DON`T YOU EVER TALK ABOUT MY DAUGHTER, LIKE THAT AGAIN!!!” Axel yelled.

‘‘Hey, Saix, tell that bitch to cool his jets.” Chase said, holding his bruised jaw.

Saix could`t take Chase`s degrading bullshit anymore and went to him. “ You're a fucking lying son of a bitch, Chase, all right? And I fucking hope you go to hell.” Saix glared.

“Don`t make this worse, Saix.” Xion pleaded.

Shut the fuck up, Xion, you fucking stupid slutty skunk cunt!” Chase taunted.

“Get out of here, Chase, you`re out of control.” Sora butts.

Chase turns around to face Sora. SHUT THE FUCK UP, SORA!!! You whore! Fucking skinny, dick-sucking omega whore!!!!  You`re annoying, you know that? I really do. Because all you do is fucking prance around school with that hot chick Kairi and bragged about that useless ruffian. I`LL TELL YOU, WHAT!!!! All you`ve done is be super annoying to everyone and always follow Riku around like a fucking dog!! Riku doesn`t want to be with a slut like you. Sora turns his head down. “YEAH!!!’’ Chase finished.

The crowd stood there in silence.

Chase looked at Axel who was glaring at him with such hate. “You know, speaking of rumors. I heard this red trash no good Alpha dick Axel falsely accuse two dumb asses Drew Rodgers and Floyd Wilson and kicked their asses. Then the wimpy little slut Roxas then bitched at him. You think Axel is a good mate?” Chase sneered. The crowd glared at Chase’s obnoxious behavior. Chase then continues. “Then, That day, He got poor little Roxas brutally killed by letting that man sneak into his house.” Chase’s voice gets louder. “Axel got his mate killed. He killed Roxas.”

“Shut up, Chase.” Demyx muttered

“He got Roxas killed. He killed Roxas.” Chase continues.

“Chase, Shut up.” Demyx repeated

“Axel got Roxas killed. He killed Roxas.” Chase repeats

“Come on,  Chase. Shut up!!” Reno yelled.

“AXEL GOT ROXAS KILLED. HE KILLED ROXAS!!!!” Chase starts yelling.

“Stop it, Chase!!” Xion cried.

Chase just repeated which made Axel angrier and heavy breathed.

“You can`t talk about people like that, Chase,” Sora scolded.

Chase just saying it.

SHUT THE FUCK UP, CHASE, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!” Saix exploded, slamming his fist into the wall.

Axel advances on Chase and started to beat the fucker up. Axel kept punching Chase out of anger. Soon, Saix, Riku. Reno, Rude, and Demyx went over to pull the angry Alpha off the scumbag. “SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!!!! YOU DON`T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!!!!” Axel screamed in rage. “ YOU DON`T KNOW ANYTHING!!!! YOU DON`T CARE...’’ Axel stopped and panted heavily.

Security comes in after hearing the commotion. Riku explains the situation to them from which the guards take Chase away.  Xion went to tend to Axel while the crowd tries to settle the tensions. Soon they proceed to watch the hole while the song in the radio held by Demyx, starts.

I always needed time on my own I never thought I'd Need you there when I cry And the days feel like years when I'm alone And the bed where you lie Is made up on your side When you walk away I count the steps that you take Do you see how much I need you right now? When you're gone The pieces of my heart are missin' you When you're gone The face I came to know is missin', too When you're gone The words I need to hear To always get me through the day And make it okay I miss you I've never felt this way before Everything that I do Reminds me of you And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor And they smell just like you I love the things that you do When you walk away I count the steps that you take Do you see how much I need you right now? When you're gone The pieces of my heart are missin' you When you're gone The face I came to know is missin', too When you're gone The words I need to hear To always get me through the day And make it okay I miss you We were made for each other Out here forever I know we were Yeah, yeah And all I ever wanted was for you to know Everything I do, I give my heart and soul I can hardly breathe; I need to feel you here with me Yeah When you're gone The pieces of my heart are missin' you When you're gone The face I came to know is missin', too When you're gone The words I need to hear Will always get me through the day And make it okay I miss you

“I miss you so much.” Axel whimpered,watching the hole being covered by dirt. Soon, the crowd leaves, expressing their sympathies and condolences to Axel and Hikari. Ezra once texted Axel that while he is unable to join them. Him and his family express their deepest apologies and wishes him and Hikari the best of luck. Soon Xion and Sora stayed behind to stare at the gravestone with Axel.

One Month Later.

Axel sat on the couch with Hikari in his lap in his new home. He didn`t want to leave the old one but it hold too many memories, not to mention, that place is where Roxas was kidnapped. His friends pleaded him to start fresh but Axel soon cut off contact again. None of them ever really understood on what`s he been through. Axel`s entire well being was extremely pale and ghost like. Axel sniffs and picks up a picture frame of Roxas from the glass table. He stares at it. Hikari who just learned to walk on her own, noticed the picture. “Mama?” She babbled. Axel`s breath hitches upon hearing Hikari hearing her first word. ‘What?” Axel asked his daughter., The baby babbled once again, “Mama?” Axel gritted his teeth. He can`t do this anymore. All this pain and agony. It`s too much for him to bear. Maybe Hikari`s better off without him. He can`t get her to stop crying. She`s been fussy and won`t take formula. Axel lost count on how many days he missed sleep. His eyes were bloodshot red. Axel gets up and rocks Hikari to sleep as he walked back to her room. He places Hikari in her crib,tucks her in, and gives her a kiss goodnight on her forehead. He walks to the bathroom, he sat on the floor. Axel finally cracked. Just lying on the floor, crying and wishing that Roxas would came back. He hugged Roxas`s old shirts in fear for living all his life without Roxas. His only love. Then a thought came. He wouldn`t have to go through this. He`d never suffer again. Hikari won`t have to put up with a coward like him.  He could be with his angel again.  Axel got up to punch the mirror to which it shatters. He grabs a pill bottle for antidepressants and gets five pills. Axel picks up a broken shard. Axel then sits on the bathtub.  He swallows the five pills. Axel then placed the shard near his left wrist,  He dragged the shard quickly across his wrist and arm leaving a deep, crimson line in his skin. Axel didn't even flinch as the blood began to stream out of the cut, dripping down his hand. He did the same process to his arm. Soon the bathtub was covered with blood, but Axel was smiling. He was gonna see Roxas again. “I`ll see you, soon. My Love.” Axel thought before he drifted into the tub.......

Saix walks toward the dark street all alone. Axel hasn`t been responding to anyone`s calls. He hadn`t seen him since the funeral. He soon finds the place and uses the spare key, Reno handed him in hopes He can get to Axel. “Axel?” He called. He looked around the dark room, hoping to find him. He goes upstairs. “Axel!” Saix called through the hallway. Nothing. He sees a light in the room. He opens the door sightly to see Hikari sleeping in her crib.  Saix then noticed the bathroom door open ajar and He went to check on it.  For a moment Saix froze up, eyes wide and in horror as He sees Axel lying on his tub and in his hands was a small, bloodstained broken shard. He runs to his friend, checking for a pulse. It was weak but normal. Saix noticed a pill bottle lying on the floor. “Axel, what have you done?” Saix thought as he grabbed towels to apply pressure to Axel`s wounds and called 911. Axel was getting pale. He opens his eyes to see Saix through his blurry vision. “Since when did he care?” Axel thought as he drifted into sleep.....

Axel later woke up in a hospital.  

[grigio-bone]

ultraman rb movie plot synopsis pt 1

my chinese is absolute ass so some of this is more iffy but generally speaking. should be aight.

movie opens with katsumi being like ah shit im stuck,

goes to narration “i’m minato katsumi and if u wanna know what happened we have to start with yesterday, its been one year since kaiju stopped appearing in ayaka city”

more introduction stuff, isamis still doing nerd shit that katsumi doest understand, dads same as always, asahis studying to become a nurse and mom’s taken over aizen tech i think. over the past year everyone’s taken big steps forwards. but then katsunii thinks about himself and kinda goes “.....”

girl from farewell icraus episode shows up again. shes here to talk to isami, apparently hes been invited to a study abroad program. katsu didnt know about this but like everybody else did

TITLE SCREEEN

isamis worried about leaving katsumi to protect ayaka all by himself but katsu encourages him to go pursue his dream, and isami is finally convinced that its really ok. before he goes off, he tells katsu that its ok for katsu to follow his own dreams now too and katsus like “....my dream?”

back at home hes like. what the hecks my dream. i guess i could become a businessman? fishmonger? pet groomer?? while hes doing this he doodles this like weird cat... fish thing and dad sees it and is like  OHO and katsu is like JFHDSKG DAD NO GIVE IT BACK

they accidentally knock down some of katsus high school baseball memoribilia and he sees a baseball with the word dream written on it

flashback time with toi. he says that he heard that katsus decided not to go to college even tho he got a lot of schools scouting him, and katsus like, yeah, i cant leave dad to manage the store all by himself. toi’s planning to become a game developer because he wants to make kids smile and stuff like that. he gives katsu the ball with dream written on it and waves bye. flashback over

the next day katsu decides to visit toi and finds out that toi quit the game company because they just made him do menial jobs which isnt what he wanted, he wanted to do something that only he could do. katsus like.... youve changed a lot. and toi says that honestly katsus lucky, he inherited his dads shop and is handsome to boot, anything he wanted he could get (i swear im not making this up) and katsu brings up that well, he doesnt have a dream tho

tois mom comes up, small talk nothing too important. after she leaves katsu shows toi the ball and tois like LOL that shitty thing? put it away, its embarrassing and katsus no!! you were aglow with enthusiasm whyd you let go of ur dream. toi interrupts by pointing out that katsu let go of his dream too, and he then leaves

call from dad its an EMERGENCY aparently

back to toi. hand comes out of his moniter and voice goes “i know what you want to say you want to fight(i think?)” basically hes here to fulfill toi’s dreams

alright back to the minatos. its basically a comedy moment theyre doing like secret agent roleplay or smth but, as kasumi points out, for some reason theyre all Eagle 1 and only about 3 ft apart in broad daylight. they see asahi in the distance talking to somebody and theyre like !!!!!, the mystery dude leans in and theyre at an angle where it looks like hes going for a kiss and they all screech “AAAAAA SECOND BASE?!?! NO??” sprint over there like WHAT ARE YOUR INTENTIONS TOWARDS ASAHI. asahis like o hey guys whats up. and dads “listen. we love and respect you but also youre our baby and u cant do this yet.”

mystery person is riku. he just met asahi here, and hes looking for a shadow. (dad: UHUH I BET YOU ARE, SONNY)

monsters appear. the bros are like alrighty its been a while, lets go, dad take care of asahi. really funny scene where the bros and riku like. immediately out themselves as ultraman but like. fail to notice.

after transofrming they notice geed and are like ???WHO?? (isami: oh jeez he looks scary- katsu: don’t point! its rude! riku: ah, no, dont mind me)

which brings us up to beginning of movie and this is getting long so ill make another post

[violetbeachpod]

TRANSCRIPT: 1x03 - Moments of Mystery

it’s me again. here’s a third transcript. i love writing benji the very most. thank you.

BENJI:

Hey, everyone, it’s Benji here to guide you through another moment of mystery. That’s catchy, I think. Teresa shut it down when I put it in the group chat, but. I like it. And Elaine liked it. Nobody else did, but only Teresa shut it down. But I like it! It’s alliterative, and it’s catchy. See, you gotta sell shit with a title, like--a title is a mini-thesis, right? Your mission statement in, uh, I’d argue seven words or less, cuz after that, you’re getting too niche. 

Like you’re some kinda whiny sellout pop-punk band, or a tortured academic who can’t come up with any substance for their dissertation so instead they’re writing their entire life story on the title page after a colon, or somewhere on the spectrum between the two. And there is a spectrum, I think, and it does not include every single type of person. I think, in the middle, we have white PTA moms and also maybe me back in high school.

So. Moments of mystery. Now, listeners, I’m a self-proclaimed expert on weird shit. And I (maybe legally?) have to say self-proclaimed, cuz I have had some people email into my podcast that are pissed off about my lack of certification in the field. Because apparently, these days, we don’t trust non-degree-granted expertise. Hmph. Trust me, I’m working on it, though. I’m super working on it. Not sure if the university offers a cryptozoology/paranormal investigations program, but, hey, if they need a guy to start one? They know my name. And my number. And my email. And my address. Cuz I’m an alum. And also because I’ve emailed, called, and mailed them about this. Many times. I think the dean blocked my number? Which I might put on my resume, frankly, cuz the dean’s a dick and if he blocked me, I think I should consider that an honor.

So, anyway, as a self-proclaimed expert, I got this whole thing down. I can and I will. Weird mists? Absolutely. Moon-related prophecies? I got you. Specters and apparitions and what have you? Hell yeah. If there’s something strange--you get the gist. Call me. I got you. Moments of goddamn mystery. It’s a good title!

Now, though, let’s get to the point. What you’ve all been waiting for. That’s right, everybody, it’s time for updates on the weird stuff. We’ll get to theories, later, I just wanna get all the facts out there first.

First off: Benji Life Update, which is to say, uh, Danny and I are over, now. Unfortunately. It was mutual. So, I guess, no tape-clearance for Danny anymore. Sorry for those who made their tapes before me, who may have made their statements with Danny’s clearance in mind. It’s done. That part of my life is behind me. It was fun while it lasted, but, hey. All good things come to an end, right?

Second off: Time loop update. I refuse to call it Groundhog Daying like the others keep using in the group chat because fuck Bill Murray, but. Regardless. Time loop update. No new time loops! But yes new explanation as to what happened in the original timeline versus the real timeline. I’m not gonna get into semantics, here, but we are gonna call the day that got redone Timeline Prime. Like--the first time we did that day. Is Timeline Prime. The Primeline? Who knows. And the second one is Our Unfortunate Reality. So, anyway, in the Primeline, I opened the shop, and in Our Unfortunate Reality, Teresa did. Which made her miss her classes, and made me sleep through my alarm to drive out to Ainsley and pick up the merch deliveries. And, in the--

[Static]

DISTORTED VOICE:

Circle. Circle. Circle. Circle. Circle. Circle. Circle.

[BENJI]

BENJI:

So, anyway, uh. Basically, I should maybe fire myself? But considering that it’s my store, and I like to use the label ‘local business owner’ to introduce myself to people, I won’t. Ah, shit looks like my audio--my audio got rough, there. I’ll. I’ll check it back later. Sorry, listeners.

Speaking of the store, though, we have a new customer! Which, that’s not rare, necessarily, but we’re pretty reliant on our regulars. New people are always college students, right? But this person, he’s, like, fifty. Completely unremarkable. He keeps coming in, staring at the wall, and then leaving. One time, he took one of the complimentary temp tattoos that we give kids, so I guess he has kids? But he never says hi, never engages--he just. He stares. And I’m not here to judge, but, time-loop shit aside, I run a pretty tight ship, and, uh. I like to think of myself as somebody who knows everybody. Because, for the most part, I do.

So, like, it’s weird, right? Like--he doesn’t do anything, and, again, like. I don’t wanna judge, but--the thing is, I can’t remember a thing about this dude’s face. Just--he’s so, so boring. White dude, uh, average--pretty average height. No discernable features. And he--he spoke to me, once, and his voice sounded like it was through a dozen filters.

He said--uh. Shit. What did he say?

He said, uh.

Well. That’s noteworthy.

Anyway, his weird voice, and his, uh, his blandness, is a good segue into my personal favorite of the segments I’ve outlined. Which is to say, it’s Alien Time. Needs a catchier name, but. Oh well. That’s for later. It’ll come to me. Extraterrestrial Corner? Spaceman Zone?

So, here’s what we got, re colon the alien theory, and, look, I know some of you are sick of it. I know. But listen, Teresa keeps getting messages from her shadow-self or whatever about the moon, which is in space, and, hey, where are aliens from? That’s right. It’s space.

I sound batshit, which, fine, whatever, cool, great, but. Still.

And then, there are these creepy-ass people with entirely unremarkable faces. Which, again, not judging. I promise. But that I can’t remember anything that my guy said, even though I can remember his, like, cadence, or--that’s creepy. That’s paranormal. And that his voice was layered? That’s mega creepy.

See You Invader? As a title for this segment? It has some level of cleverness to it, I think.

Maybe? Vote now on your phones. Please. I’m--y’know, I’m sticking with it, I like it.

And then the school board that threw Char out of her speech thing. Those were--those were also kindq weird. And they seem similar to my experience.

But that she’s seen them before, that’s where it gets me, cuz you’d think, what with the, uh, what with the purple flashing sky and all, that, uh. That said aliens would have only shown up on New Years. But, see, that takes me to the idea that it’s been more of a slowburn, and that the Corielli board is, like, scouts, or something. That the big guys--which is to say, Teresa’s weird apparition lady, my new customer, those are the Big Bads. So, what does that mean about structure? Well, I’m glad you asked. See--

[STATIC]

DISTORTED VOICE:

Coincidence. Coincidence. Coincidence. Coincidence. Coincidence. Coincidence. Coincidence.

[STATIC]

BENJI:

So, in conclusion? Second moon maybe, aliens definitely, and ghosts very much so. Thank you.

So, next point, which is a question, rather than a point. Why us? Why the seven of us? Look, I get it, seven is a very literary number. If I were ghost aliens, which I am not, I would definitely go with three or seven people to fuck with. But are they fucking with us, or is there meaning behind it all?

So, uh. We all kind of knew each other? I guess? I was Facebook friends with Elaine, just cuz, as Robin’s honorary Alive Dad, I will be walking her down the aisle at their wedding, meaning there were only two connections to Elaine total, but everybody else at least sort of knew everybody else. And maybe it was the fireworks? Because Simon sold them to me out of his truck near the barber shop and told me to stay quiet about them. Though, also? They were probably illegal, so--

You get it. I know there are easier ways to get fireworks, but his are always so fucking cool and I wanted to feel proud in my pyrotechnic skills. But, hey, win some lose some, right? Right?

Or. No. I guess.

But. It can’t just be--in a situation this weird, it can’t be completely random that it was the seven of us, y’know? There’s gotta be the Big Prophecy, or the--the secret powers, or one of those things. The force that drew us all to that party at three AM, after everybody was already gone, the force that’s drawing us together. There’s gotta be something that brings this all together, that adds some kinda coherency, like--

I know that I shouldn’t expect storylines from life. That I’m--I’m not the main character in some story, that there aren’t cliffhangers or plot twists in this reality, but this reality feels like a comic book right now. So, yeah, I am waiting for Galactus to show up, or something. For some goddamned continuity, for something to click into place.

And that’s shitty of me, because nothing else has ever worked like that, so, uh, why should real-life-aliens work out like that? That’s pretty presumptuous of me. But, look. Listen.

When I was a kid, I always wanted to be a Mulder or a Dale Cooper or a Ripley or any given Rick Moranis character, and now--now I’m none of those. But this sorta thing, it gives me a chance, y’know? It--these are my monsters of the week, this is my search for the sister, this is me living out what was never written for me, y’know? It’s--I’m in this goddamn narrative, and even if this isn’t a narrative, I’m gonna make it one. Because why not! I--I’m working on self-love everyday, like Doc Claremont said. She’s my therapist. You know. Gotta get those life skills in place. Constantly improving. Letting myself be myself. Hell yeah.

So here’s the plot, so far, then. Seven outcasts--we’re all pretty outcast, I’d argue--stand alone on a beach, and, bam, flash of light, and bam, the world is dying, and then, darkness. Lost-style eye-zoom in, right, Michael Bay spin, and then we’re back on the beach. And then we get a coherent plot about time loops, and nothing else, because it is two-thousand-and-eighteen. And there are interwoven character webs, and interesting enough flashbacks, and--

And it makes sense. And it’s well-written, and it’s well drawn, and it has a really good cult fanbase that--you know. You get the gist.

Look, all I’m saying is that this doesn’t feel like it’s real, so why don’t we have fun with it? We’re seeing things that, as far as we know, no one else has seen before. We’re on the verge of something big, and. I don’t just feel it, I know it. In every corner of my mind, I’m sure of it. This is so important, this is--this is the most important thing I’ve done. And I’ve done a lot of important things, I think. At least a few of ‘em. I’m fairly accomplished. I can, uh, in the truly classic Sorkin-style, list my credentials, like--Graduated top of my class from Core--

[STATIC]

DISTORTED VOICE:

The Moon. The Moon. The Moon. The Moon. The Moon. The Moon. The Moon.

[STATIC]

BENJI:

--ran a five k without ever walking, and also without that much training, which is an accomplishment from a me perspective. And I got my scuba license last week based on a gut decision! I’m accomplished as hell.

Seriously, though, what’s going on with my audio? It’s like--it’s not even, like, weird feedback shit, it’s just, like. A weird test screen where there should be a solid two minutes of audio. Weird. Is--maybe I should get better software? I heard that this cheapass one wasn’t reliable, but I didn’t see this in any reviews or FAQs or whatever; I--

Hm.

[beat, typing]

Okay, a quick troubleshooting search, that’s not a thing! That’s--that’s genuinely not a thing that anyone’s reported before. I screenshotted, but, uh, the screenshot won’t load? So. Uh. I’m gonna check this out. So. Signing off. Need a sign off.

I hope to share another moment with you soon?

Yeah, it’s a shitty title.

Okay, until next time.

[codependentsoulmates]

RANKING EVERY SEASON OF SUPERNATURAL

Let’s a-freakin’-go, Mario.

12. Season 7. Leviathans. And Sam’s god-awful wolverine sideburns. ‘Nuff said.

11. Season 6. Soulless Sam was hilariously, sarcastically endearing for a little while, but towards the end of the Soulless Sam arc, just, ugh. I wanted to fast forward so bad. Samuel coming back was unnecessary and anticlimactic, “evil Cas” was an eye roller, I didn’t give a shit about Lisa and Ben, um... EVE??? What the actual fuck was that. She was possibly the single most wasted, ultra-super-anticlimactic use of a story arc that I’ve ever seen. There were a few redeeming episodes (i.e. Clap Your Hands If You Believe).

10. Season 9. Okay, this could be biased just based on how much I truly cannot stand God!Metatron. S10/11 Metatron is great; he’s such a little jerk that you cant help but find him funny. But S9 Metatron... holy shit. It was like being subjected to hours upon hours of having to watch only the Umbridge scenes from Harry Potter on repeat. It felt like legitimate torture trying to force myself to finish the season. Plus, yes, I ended up liking Gadreel later (much later) on, but Gadreel!Sam felt like it went on forever. I was over it and it was like the end of it would never come. Also, I’m just gonna say it: Abaddon was boring and annoying, and the only reason she was even an issue was because Sam and Dean thought, “Hey, wow, let’s experiment on the most powerful demon we know of roaming the Earth right now. We cut off her hands, nothing will go wrong!” Riiiight... okay. Also, Kevin’s death was seriously messed up and unnecessary and I still haven’t forgiven them for it, so. But uh, human!Cas was super endearing though, and even though I really don’t ever want actual human Cas to become a thing, it was cute for awhile. 

9. Season 12. Alright. I don’t share the exact same sentiment or level of hatred that a lot of other people seem to for this season, but it had... a lot of issues. So, uh. Buckle up. First of all... Lucifer. While I don’t... hate the idea of him coming back as a villain, just so many things about this were... sigh. Rockstar!Lucifer was - and I’m gonna fucking say it - truly awful. So, so awful. Maybe he could’ve worked on another show, but with Lucifer’s character/personality having already been so established and defined on Supernatural, it just felt out of place. He was not the same character - which is something I often complain about with the Rubys. We had just come from Casifer - which was brilliant and so, so in character - and then we get this... weird, unsnarky, not sarcastic or playful at all version of Lucifer and... pass. Moving on... they finally get to put Luci back in his cage and... then Crowley decides to keep him as a pet? And believe Lucifer - fucking LUCIFER - now bows to him and won’t get away? And assume the demons who have time and time again always helped Lucifer, will now follow him instead? What??? Crowley isn’t that dumb, and he could’ve achieved ruling Hell again with no problems if Lucifer was in the cage. It made no sense to me. And um. Lucifer having a child? Seriously? So much reaching going on. Now to the second issue: The British Men of Letters. Okay. They started off as the enemy this season. The title sequence was the MoL symbol. And yet... they weren’t that relevant or threatening until the last couple of episodes (and those were, well, in nicer terms... questionable.) They either should’ve saved a Lucifer-returning-as-the-enemy storyline for later or saved the BMoL. Together, it was just too much and not enough expansion. Side note: I loathe the BMoL like I loathe God!Metatron. Which brings me to the third - and maybe biggest - issue I had with this season: Mary fucking Winchester. What the fuck. What the actual fuck, were the writers thinking. They legitimately ruined her. Throughout the series you have this wonderful idea built up about her: she was a badass hunter and she sacrificed things for John and she loved her boys so, so much and she gave up hunting for good because that was never the life she wanted and just. Then she’s here and you’re like finally Sam and Dean get to have a fucking parent who is there for them and can nurture them for once in their goddamn lives, and then. Then she’s a different Mary and she’s back to only caring about hunting even though she never liked hunting in the first place and she’s working for the people who tortured her son and she’s leaving her boys who just got her back, who she just got back, and she was going to let them die or get hurt for the goddamn Colt that she didn’t even know was the Colt. And I just. I couldn’t get with it, I’m sorry. Oh, and also everyone fucking DIES this season, so that was just fucking great, too.

8. Season 10. This is an unpopular opinion, I’m sure, but I hated Deanmon and I was glad we didn’t have to see him that long and suffer like we did with Soulless Sam. That being said, they did way overhype Deanmon, which was pretty uncool and unfair. But I honestly hated the Mark of Cain - it went on waaaaay too long - and I really, really dislike seeing Dean be... not Dean... so... Also, I am still pissed the fuck off at Charlie’s death, so I refuse to rank this any higher out of spite, too. But um. They killed fucking DEATH this season. And while I was actually really unhappy about it because Death was cool as hell, that scene with Sam like, just wrecked, and Dean’s “Close your eyes, Sammy” kinda made it really, really almost worth it. (You’ll soon realize I really only care a lot about Sam and Dean’s relationship and their Absolute Best Moments™ that wrench my heart.)

7. Season 8. Unfortunately, the writers decided hey, let’s ruin Sam’s character a little fucking more and write him as OOC as possible by having him not actually give a shit where the fuck Dean was for an entire year because he was too busy fucking some piece of shit girl! Seriously, I didn’t think I could dislike anyone more than I hated Ruby 2.0 or Gordon... and then came Amelia. I have yet to encounter a person in the Spn-verse that is worse than her. No joke. This season ranks above the others though because it was less “meh” or all over the place. And because Mrs. Tran being a complete baller for just a single episode was more entertaining that any of the main story arcs for any of those seasons below. Also, more importantly, it had more of a return to what Supernatural is supposed to be - I’m looking at you S6/7 - and even though trying to close the gates of Hell was pointless and we knew it was never gonna happen, I have a sick love for suffering!Sam at any given time because then Dean goes into overprotective big bro mode and they stop fighting and being jerks to each other for a lil’ while and we get Seasons 1-5 (eh, minus 4) bro’ lovin’ and protectin’ again. Plus, this season holds my favorite quote/speech Dean has ever said to Sam (you know what I’m talking about) and I already said I’m a sucker for heart-wrenching moments between them, so.

6. Season 4. Probably yet another unpopular opinion, but oh well. Ruby 2.0... gag me. Way to ruin a good character. Plus, as much as I love Gen, I loved nothing about her portrayal of Ruby. It wasn’t the same character. That’s the bottom line. Also Sam’s demon blood addiction and him so far up Ruby’s ass all season??? Vomit. Skip. Next. Literally if Sam listened to Dean for legit two seconds, the Apocalypse could’ve been avoided. But Castiel! And the angel arc! The actual saving graces (hah, literally) of the season.

5. Season 1. I feel really weird about placing this season this low because it’s really just as good as the two I’ve ranked above it, but. I suppose that’s cheating. Season 1 holds a very, very special place in my heart, is all. It’s the OG season, monster-of-the-week episodes (which, side note: makes no sense to me when people rank S1 super low because there were “too many monster-of-the-week episodes.” Um, yeah.. that’s kinda... what the show is fucking about? Sam and Dean... hunting monsters? But okay, anyway...) Baby Sam and Dean!!! The world wasn’t fucked yet! Lil’ skulky Sam!! Okay, real talk, S1-3 (and 5) Sam was fucking BALLER. He was the best Sam, and then the writers trashed his character, so. Cool. This season is really only this low because I had to fully rank this and because John was kinda a dick. But I loved Sam fighting with him and Dean getting in between them to protect Sam. (Also, on another note: John was a piece of work but he was a better parent than S12 Mary, jussayin’.) (Also, also, it irritates the shit out of me just how much they ruined John’s character and who they made him out to be post-season 5. He was truly something else and he did some really shitty things, but I don’t think it was fair to do and I don’t think that was ever what Kripke intended for his character, but. Oh well. I digress.)

4. Season 11. Once again, I don’t necessarily rank this fully above S1 or below the next ranking, but. There was a lot of good things going on this season. Casifer was brilliant and delivered some of my favorite one-liners of the series. His interactions with God!Chuck were great. Him helping instead of being a villain, but still being a ridiculous child. God!Chuck was wonderful and handled really, really well. Also, his World’s Best Dad mug? I heart. Freakin’... Baby? Brilliant, incredible, amazing, wonderful, spectacular. Rowena was also bitchin’ this season, the whole flippin’ demons, angels, witches working together (even though it was just one episode) was suh-weeeet, Sam and Dean were vibin’ like early seasons Sam and Dean. I really wasn’t here for the forced Dean/Amara weird as hell relationship/attraction, though. It was... no. Just. No. Also like, Amara was okay and they did mostly show how powerful she was but like. Azazel, Lucifer, the Leviathans, Gordon, or basically... anyone felt like more of a threat than her, even though she was the only actual unstoppable force ever on the show. And while it was kinda nice for the finale to be her and Chuck working it out, it was also... kinda lame. Here’s this dark force that is the most powerful thing in existence, and it’s stopped by God... apologizing and hugging it out with her? Um... okay, I guess.

3. Season 3. Even though this season was short and waiting for Dean to die kinda sucked and put a damper on the whole season, it still is by far one of the best ones, hands down. Not only did we get Katie Cassidy’s badass, savage, cool as hell Ruby 1.0, we got Bela (who had so much wasted potential, sigh) and return of the Trickster, Bobby really becoming the boys’ father figure, and Sam finally getting to kill Actual Piece of Shit™ Gordon Walker. Season 3 also has some of the best episodes of the whole series - Bad Day At Black Rock, Mystery Spot, Ghostfacers - and we got A Very Supernatural Christmas, which gave us the birth of the Samulet, and I swear to god that scene made me actually cry a little bit. (A lotta bit.)

2. Season 2. This is like. THE Supernatural season. All the cool kids are introduced: Ellen, Jo, Ash, the Trickster, Tessa. Bobby becomes more involved, brotherly bonding up the wazoo, total badass, pure monster hunting. Episodes like Tall Tales and Hollywood Babylon. And episodes like Croatoan and Heart (which had one of the best endings to an episode in the series just in terms of emotion and how well it was set up with the song and ugh), and had debatably the best season finale of the whole show with All Hell Breaks Loose Parts 1 & 2. (It killed me.) Great monsters are introduced like shape shifters and djinns. Azazel was annoying but was an actual villain (unlike some of the later big “villains”) and he was that start and end of everything. He was the Winchesters’ reason for hunting, he catapulted everything. And everything was so simple and pure and made fucking sense. 

1. Season 5. I mean, there’s really no surprise here. It baffles me when S5 isn’t at the top of everyone’s list. While I don’t necessarily wanna go back and watch S5 episodes like I do with most other seasons, it was just the most well-rounded, well-thought out, well-executed season. No competition. Everything had a purpose and a meaning. Everything was tied up. Ellen and Jo die, which is a downer, but at least they were badass. Lucifer is a total tool, and you love it. It’s also Mark Pellegrino’s Lucifer, which is - quite obviously - the best Lucifer. Death is rad as hell. Cas is in his fucking prime this season. Sam and Dean love each other so fucking much this season. The Trickster/Gabriel is revealed as an archangel!! Crowley!! Bobby in his prime as Sam and Dean’s father figure!! Dark Side of the Moon A.K.A. one of my all-time favorite episodes and also one of the most beautifully shot episodes!! (And Ash in heaven! “Some people share, like soulmates”!!!!!!) The fucking END!!! I honestly would probably rank S5 at the top of this list solely for the scene where Lucifer is beating the crap out of Dean while Dean just keeps saying, “Sammy, it’s okay, I’m here” and then Sam’s montage of memories of him and Dean as he takes back control, and jeez holy shit is that montage beautiful and brilliant. That scene alone is probably the best scene in the whole show and I will defend that opinion until I die. The only bad things really in S5 were how unbelievably annoying Zachariah was and how I still think throwing their random half-brother in there just so Dean didn’t have to be Michael’s vessel was ridiculous and absurd. But really, this is the season. I’m glad the show didn’t end after this season, but holy fucking shit would it have been one of the sickest, best, most baller series finales of all time, and no matter what they do for the series finale now, this finale is so untouchable that it will never even come close to living up to it. 

[tinkdw]

My sisters been sending your (amazingly) written metas, but I'm still confused as to what "Performance!Dean" is. Could you explain? ❤❤❤❤❤❤

Hi! Thank you!

Performing!Dean is a tag that many of us use to explain the way that Dean portrays himself to the outside world, suppressing parts of himself that he doesn’t think should be outwardly shown.

It’s a form of SUBLIMATION (a psychological term meaning to repress emotions / a part of oneself), a term which he actually uses in 12x05.

It’s a great example. The writers KNOW that we associate Dean’s love of pie with women / being comfortable / the home and family feeling, and cake with the repressed side of him (it is repeatedly used in this context, Dean really wanting it but never allowing himself to have it or just nibbling at the edges). It’s quite a famously known concept.

So… when Sam asks Dean if he wants pie and Dean says no, which basically never happens, when Sam then looks so DONE and starts talking about how Mary is gone and… (the implication being he is about to mention Cas being gone too)… then Dean says nope nope I am FINE and Sam FINALLY calls Dean out on it, saying “Dean, it’s called SUBLIMATION”.

And Dean finally relents and says “Yeah, its kinda my thing”. (And then later in the diner he is seen to have eaten a whole slice of cake in front of Sam and no-one makes a big deal out of it….)

WE ALL SCREAMED. DEAN ACTUALLY IN THE SCRIPT, OUT LOUD, HAS SAID THAT HE SUBLIMATES.

Because THIS is Dabb again taking what has been IN THE SCRIPT and in the show for 12 years and building on it, making it BLATANT. Because we are building to endgame now, SPN isn’t likely to last past season 13-14, so the character arcs that were set up in season 1 (and 4 for Cas) need to be tied up, so we, the audience NEED it to be made obvious when it has just been in the subtext. THAT IS WHY SO MUCH IS SO BLATANT THIS SEASON. Ie Performing!Dean, Destiel, Sam and the MoL story, Mary being the catalyst for Dean’s self acceptance arc and Sam’s self forgiveness arc around Lucifer (which I think will be much more blatant next season re: Jack as his mirror).

With Performing!Dean it started to be made a bit more obvious since Sam told Dean that he was ‘kind of butch’ and people probably thought he was ‘overcompensating’ in season 2 but it still stayed subtext, Dean checking out a few guys here and there, only really getting with women when he was having his ‘I’m going to go to Hell and need comfort’ or ‘Sam is dead, Cas left’ moments or since he met Cas, whenever Cas had left, making Dean feel crappy and rejected or had just DIED, using it as a coping mechanism, even blatantly role playing in season 9 after he feels so bad about kicking Cas out of the bunker etc to the point that in 12x18 it is so blatant that this is what it is about, they even have Dean saying outloud that he is settling for Sam’s omelette mere seconds after clearly having settled for the waitress because she wasn’t what he really wanted on top of all the other give aways…

Anyway, it’s not just about his sexuality or feelings for Cas, there are many other aspects too, and those are the ones that are cemented in seasons 1-3. Most of these seem all to stem from John and if you see snippets from John’s journal it makes sense.

John says he is proud of Dean when he kills monsters, womanises, drinks etc etc. So guess what a young impressionable Dean learned was the best way to act in life?

Now, over the years bits have come out here and there. Every time we see Dean with a sexual partner he has been the submissive one, he is clearly an extremely giving lover and very caring. He is not a dude bro womaniser at heart, he cares for all the women he sleeps with enough to be kind and gentle with them, even the waitress in 12x18 who really he doesn’t REALLY CARE about, she’s just a coping mechanism, but he is still extremely sweet with her.

He drinks for years of course, he is a functioning alcoholic for most of the show, but lately he has switched to coffee… unless something really bad is going down. Like when we saw the empty bottle in his room in 12x19…

He listens to old rock music because it reminds him of his mom and dad, not because he is a real metal head. Yeah absolutely he loves it too I’m sure, but really it’s the emotional pull. And we haven’t heard him do so since 12x07. Just saying. He also admits to liking Taylor Swift in season 10, after firstly saying HELL NO, same with the cucumber water in 12x07. It’s not the music or the water or whatever as such, that is absolutely NOT what we are saying is making us feel Dean is bisexual or has a hidden side to himself, its the fact that he HIDES it first then admits to it afterwards, that is the essence of Performing!Dean.

When Sam drinks the cucumber water, no-one batted an eyelid, that means nothing to us, because Sam is super comfortable with who he is in THIS respect, even though he carries guilt etc, but that is another subject. But because Dean made a huge deal about how uncool and basically unmanly it was, after all we know of him over the years, THEN went and drank it anyway, saying “shut up” when Sam is like “seriously?!” THAT is where the Performing!Dean meta comes from. And Sam is the same as us, he doesn’t care if Dean is bi, or if he likes Taylor Swift or cucumber water or WHATEVER, what he DOES care about is the fact that Dean feels the need to hide it from him.

There are so many small points along the series that point to a lot of Dean’s persona being fake or exaggerated and how sometimes Sam knows and sometimes he doesn’t, it would be funny if it wasn’t tragic.

Deep down Dean Winchester is a soft, kind and generous soul who just wants to be loved and to help people.

WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT WE SAW IN 12x11. THIS IS THE EXPOSITION EPISODE FOR PERFORMING!DEAN AND THE CORE OF THIS WHOLE SEASON BECAUSE THE WHOLE SEASON HAS BEEN ABOUT THIS, WHICH IS WHY 12x22 IS THE CHARACTER LED FINALE, BECAUSE IT IS WHERE THIS FINALLY COMES DOWN.

So yeah, the fact of the matter is that Performing!Dean has been there all along, since the PILOT, over the years it has been showed to us that it exists then some of the walls have started coming down. If anyone dares to tell me that Performing!Dean isn’t a thing (which I was told earlier this season, lmao) then I will kindly point them towards 12x11 and 12x22.

Also, let us not forget that even though 12x11 was mostly an exposition for Performing!Dean when he lost his memories, again harking back to the HEART is the person, NOT their memories theme of the season, we also were given the golden snippet that DEAN RODE LARRY BEFORE HE GOT WACKED WITH MAGIC. This is to show us that Dean’s walls are coming down this season. When Sam called him up on it in a way that seemed to be taking the piss, Dean, rather than attempt to deny or tell him to shut up actually embraced it and gloated about how GOOD he was at it. ATTA BOY DEAN!

With the resurrection of Mary and Dean’s near - complete death experience it seems that Dean got to the point in season 12 where he just didn’t want to hide from himself anymore and so let these walls down further, there were small snippets of this in nearly EVERY episode. 

12x11 was the exposition for casual viewers to see this side of him more clearly (in the same way that 12x19 was for Dean and Cas’s clearly more than platonic relationship, which will not be built on with HUGE LEGO BRICKS since Cas died), and now with the grenade launcher as a metaphor, Dean literally blew down his walls in 12x22. The culmination of this story was his confrontation with Mary where he explains WHY he always had this facade, because he had a shitty childhood, had to be a parent to Sam and that it wasn’t FAIR and he didn’t cope with it well at all.

So. There we have it. Performing!Dean is REAL, it was there ALL ALONG, we were RIGHT in seeing it because it is confirmed in 12x11 and then addressed and to some extent dismantled in 12x22, and the meta idea that the grenade launcher is associated with Performing!Dean was ALSO used.

Just… wowzers.

I don’t expect Dean to suddenly act completely differently now, he won’t, there are just some aspects of him that will be slightly more obvious or he won’t hide certain parts of himself. He still isn’t completely done with this, as Jensen himself said that there will be more of this to come in season 13…

I expect him to perhaps once or twice order a slice of cake or an ice cream sundae, to listen to the radio and not turn it over if a pop song comes on, to be more open with his feelings towards his family (and yeah, Destiel is a part of this for sure), a nice turn around but also not jarring, because it’s just a PART of Dean, not his whole self, a lot of what we see is really fully him, so it’s not that he is going to completely radically change!

Anyway, its all very exciting as the metaphorical death of Performing!Dean is just a part of what most of us see as a positive endgame for TFW and it is all looking pretty good so far :D

[storiesbehindthesescars]

1-92 for the admit stuff post c:

Omfg XD1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? Yep2. You talked to an ex today, correct? Yes more than one actually3. Have you taken someones virginity? Idk if it counts if the guy who raped me was a virgin4. Is trust a big issue for you? YES5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? Nope havent hung out with anyone in a long time6. What are you excited for? Getting my septum re pierced7. What happened tonight? I talked to someone I didnt think i would be able to and I dont feel so shitty anymore8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted? Idfc if people get wasted or not, it makes me sad not disgusted because they have something theyre avoiding and thats why theyre blackout drunk9. Is confidence cute? Hell yes10. What is the last beverage you had? Caffiene free diet mountain dew11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? 3...but i only trust 1 of the same sex sooo12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? 613. What are you gonna do Saturday night? Paint14. What are you going to spend money on next? Flower in resin 8mm plugs15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? Kinda 16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? Yes considering im finally getting health problems taken care of that made even getting out of bed near impossible and Im going back to school sober and clean finally 17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? Jake18. The last time you felt broken? Everyday19. Have you had sex today? Nope20. Are you starting to realize anything? Yes 21. Are you in a good mood? Yep22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks? NOPE23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s? Nope theyre my grandpa's eyes24. What do you want right this second? A hug 25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy? Considering im polyamorous so long as they let me know then im okay with it26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? Nope 27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? Not a chance28. What was the last thing that made you laugh? Text messages with my sister29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? Hell yes30. Does everyone deserve a second chance? Most people unless theyre physically abusive or make you feel uncomfortable31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to? No I love him32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? Yes33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? I barely drink anything else34. Listening to? Silence by mayday parade35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore? Yep36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is? In bed37. Do you believe in love at first sight? Nope just connection at first sight38. Who did you last call? My mom39. Who was the last person you danced with? Someone I love and miss very much40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? Trying to be comfortable kissing someone again without flashbacks41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? 15 minutes ago42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today? Yes43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? Al the damn time44. Do you tan in the nude? Nope but i would if I had the privacy to be able to 45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss? Im not sure honestly46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? Yes47. Who was the last person to call you? My mom48. Do you sing in the shower? Yep49. Do you dance in the car? Sometimes50. Ever used a bow and arrow? Yes :351. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? In april52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? Some of them53. Is Christmas stressful? Yes54. Ever eat a pierogi? Yep55. Favorite type of fruit pie? Does pumpkin count???56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? Artist, vet, animal rescuer, doctor57. Do you believe in ghosts? Yes58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? Way too often59. Take a vitamin daily? Iron, calcium, magnesium and biotin60. Wear slippers? In the winter61. Wear a bath robe? Only when dying my hair62. What do you wear to bed? Underwear63. First concert? Never been to one64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? Walmart because its closest65. Nike or Adidas? Neither66. Cheetos Or Fritos? Cheetos67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? Sunflower68. Favorite Taylor Swift song? Mine69. Ever take dance lessons? Yes70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? Probably something with animals71. Can you curl your tongue? Yes72. Ever won a spelling bee? Nope thanks dyslexia 73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Only when my dad told me he supports my sexuality no matter what it may be and that he wont let anyone in the family say otherwise74. What is your favorite book? A monster calls75. Do you study better with or without music? With76. Regularly burn incense? No my mom is allergic77. Ever been in love? Currently in it78. Who would you like to see in concert? Grieves79. What was the last concert you saw? None80. Hot tea or cold tea? Hot81. Tea or coffee? Tea82. Favorite type of cookie? Lemon83. Can you swim well? More or less84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Yep85. Are you patient? With eome things86. DJ or band, at a wedding? DJ87. Ever won a contest? Nope88. Ever have plastic surgery? Nope89. Which are better black or green olives? Black 100%90. Opinions on sex before marriage? Go for it I dont even know if I believe in GETTING married91. Best room for a fireplace? Bedroom92. Do you want to get married? Maybe

[swampgallows]

pride month questionnaire just for my own reference

what is your sexuality? biromantic asexual

what do gender do you identify as? cis woman 

how long have you been aware of your sexuality/gender? around 16-17 i knew there was some shit wrong w me lmao, i had always just assumed i was straight but if we’re being real i knew from a pretty young age that i was broken and an alien. only ever had a few crushes [on guys] in my life but generally felt the same way about both men and women

do you have any preferences? big

share a positive memory about coming out! none

how do you feel about pride month? is good. isnt really “for me” but i will keep the glow i feel about it on the inside, like when i wear a favorite pair of underwear

do you participate in pride related events? any other events? no, though i was invited a few times it was by very sexual people who also drink alcohol so it wasnt really my kinda deal. much as i love sk i didnt really care for ladykiller’s sets

how do you feel about lgbtq roles in media? more, more written by lgbtqia people, less about dying and more about living ffs. let them be alive. let them be professional but also lgbtqia, let them be three-dimensional fully fleshed out characters who are also lgbtqia instead of being one-note cardboard cut-outs erected for Diversity

do you feel pride in who you are? not yet.

who has been your supportive idols in your self discovery? lmao

tell us about your first crush? despite kissing and being in a relationship with and having sex with a girl it didnt occur to me that i might be a lil gay until years later when i had a crush on undyne and she had a crush on a girl who became her girlfriend, and i was like “holy shit, you can do that? undyne likes girls? she likes a girl???? that means???? she could like me???? i could also.... like girls???? girls can be girlfriends???”

what sort of advice to have you lgbtq teens? i have no idea, im 27 and i still feel like a teen, do not ask me things 

have you come out to friends and family? sort of. i tried to tell my siblings and my sister said I just hadnt met the right person yet, to which i asked her “oh well youre bi too, you know, you just havent met the right woman yet” stupid fucking bitch. my brother was silent. so was my mother. my dad doesn’t know, i dont think. he asked me “what does this mean, ‘tracer is gay tracer is gay tracer is gay’?” but the conversation got derailed luckily before i could answer

how do you feel about the term “coming out” ? not really up to me i guess. i only use it because i dont really know another term for it

do you believe there is a “closet” to come out of? sort of, i guess. people dont fucking care about asexuality; they complain that “nobody cares that you’re not having sex, theres no need to talk about it” then when i say something like “well im not really a sexual person” or “i dont like sex” all of a sudden it’s “WHAT WHY ARENT YOU HAVING SEX??? WERE YOU RAPED? YOU SHOULD SEE A THERAPIST. HAVE YOU TRIED SEX TOYS?” - my doctor  So like yeah just saying the word “asexual” gets people really fucking riled up, i have to decide whether or not i want to engage in a fucking hour long debate and reveal my traumas and life story if i feel like even saying my orientation so w/e, that’s the closest kind of a closet i can have i guess. granted im not gonna be gunned down in the street for being asexual but i also dont like being incessantly interrogated and armchair pathologized either

any tips on coming out? no. i never really came out to my parents deliberately, my mom just snooped some shit on my facebook and cornered me w a question about it when i was stuck in the car with her

what’s your biggest pet peeve when it comes to lgbtq characterization in media? stop fucking killing them and making them the butt of jokes

what’s your favorite parts of lgbtq characterization in media? “well at least they’re there, i guess”; alternatively, when done well: “that me”

what did your teachers say about the lgbtqa community in school? i have very little recollection. it was mostly about gay men, i dont recall anything on lesbians, and i remember like one time we had a transgender person (calling themselves transsexual, at the time) come and talk to us, but i didn’t even know it was a thing that could be done or even existed so i had no idea what to make of it. but i remember they were there and spoke to us, even now. i basically just remember it happening lol

do you practice safe sex with the same gender? we didnt use dental dams or whatever, and since we didnt use toys we didnt use condoms. i mean i guess it was pretty safe, we were both monogamous and unsexed to all fuck. we washed our hands i guess?

what’s an absolute turn off for you in the opposite/same gender? this is too weird of a question for me to answer. im pretty demi when it comes to romantic shit, i dont feel attraction to people at all really, though i have felt attraction to people i dont know it’s extremely few and far between. like this year i saw two (2) girls i found attractive, not in a sexual way but i thought they were iridescent beings comprised of pure light and couldnt take my eyes off of them. before that i cant even remember the last time somebody stopped me in my tracks or gave me butterflies. i dunno if i have any real active ‘turn-offs’ aside from basic shit (racism, sexism, general shittiness) other than like... sports, i guess. sports and drugs

what’s an absolute turn on for you in the opposite/same gender? big. soft, hug. hairy boys. hairy girls are fine too but it’s more prominently a thing in guys. cool teeth (if you have cool teeth i will remember you)

how do you feel about lgbtq clubs/apps/websites? not for me

how do you feel about the term “queer” ? use it if you like, but respect those that it hurts

how does your country view the lgbtq community? america a fuck

favorite lgbtq actor/actress? fuck dude i dont even have a favorite straight actor or actress

any tips for heterosexual and/or cisgender people on how to handle lgbtq events/news? 1. it’s not for you 2. be proud for them 3. LISTEN TO THEM. SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND JUST LISTEN

what’s the most annoying question you have ever gotten? literally any time i tell a man im ace and he wants to fuck me, like, anything he says after that point is the worst thing

how do you feel about receiving questions about your sexuality/gender im open to answering but i can only speak from my own individual experience, which is a disclaimer i try to give any time anybody asks me shit. im not the best representative for the bi or ace communities or anything lgbtqia in general. i dont like sex and i barely like people. leave me w my monsters

[ezra-blue]

You’ve Got Something - 24

24: Ringing In The New

Goku goes into the New Year by admitting some difficult truths to Sanzo, and as Sanzo copes, Goku is brought deeper into the Sanzo family’s reality.

Word Count: ~7000

This chapter was originally going to be two, but I decided that it would be best to merge them. 

24: Ringing In The New

Christmas brunch could not have possibly gone worse.

Toudai was an asshole to Gojyo. Sanzo normally wouldn't object, he was usually an asshole to Gojyo, but Toudai had done it on a spectacularly unjustified level. From the tight expression Hakkai had worn when he'd abandoned the table to chase Gojyo down and comfort him, Toudai was lucky to be walking away with all of his teeth, with only Hakkai's restraint and need to ensure Gojyo wasn't breaking down shielding him. Goku had known the problem all along and had chosen not to say anything, caught between his loyalty to his boss and Sanzo.

Sanzo was pissed. He'd known Goku could be kind of an idiot, but this was a bridge too far. He also knew Goku was just as upset at himself as anything, so he knew scolding him wouldn't do anything. Goku was trying to put a brave face on, forcing a smile for Toudai and Koumyou as they waited for a taxi (their idea, not his, stubborn old goats), as Sanzo waited in the driver's seat, drumming his fingernails on the wheel and mulling it over in his head. When Goku sat down, though, he subdued and pulled his shoulders in. “Thanks for the ride home, Sanzo.”

“Hmph.” Sanzo put the car into gear and drove. He never said he was taking Goku home yet. It was far too rare for him and Goku to actually be alone, but now they were isolated. Koumyou had said that he found many people opened up behind closed doors, but that wasn't just limited to a therapist's office and sofa (the thought of which only reminded Sanzo of a conversation he was going to have to have with Koumyou later because what the hell, Dad, you're retired!), and people often felt safe in their cars. Sure, a two-ton piece of heavy machinery that killed more people every year than anything else, that felt safe. But at least he and Goku were alone, with no risk of interruption.

He started off driving towards Goku's shitty apartment, but veered off down a different road before he reached the tracks. Goku raised an eyebrow and raised a hand. “Uh, Sanzo, I don't live this way.”

“I know.” Sanzo knew where he was going. What he needed to know was where he and Goku were going.

He stopped in the parking lot of a dog park, threw the car into park, and took his seat belt off to twist around and face Goku. “This can't happen again.”

Goku shrank, his shoulders rising over his ears. “I know. I'm sorry--”

“Quit apologizing. I know what actually went down wasn't your fault, but hiding it from me – I don't have time for that bullshit.” Sanzo crossed his arms as Goku continued to shrink down. “Hakkai might tolerate Gojyo prevaricating and vacillating and hiding shit, but I don't.”

Goku sucked his lower lip in, chewed it, then slowly spat out: “You don't get it.” He put his fists down and set his shoulders back, but glared at the console of the car rather than Sanzo. “I've never dealt with this stuff before, okay? I've never had parents, and I've never had to worry about the parents of a boyfriend or girlfriend or anything.”

“You think I know what I'm doing? Shit.” Sanzo rolled his eyes, then took Goku's chin in his hand. “If you tell me, we can do it together.”

Goku blinked, bright eyes flashing with confusion. “You mean that?”

“I do.” Sanzo ran his hand up to Goku's hair. “Unfamiliar territory is best walked with someone else.” Goku relaxed a little when Sanzo ruffled his hair. “As for taking sides, I'm on nobody's side but my own. If you're walking my way, then so be it.”

“Yeah. Okay. I'll try not to hide stuff from you next time.” Goku pushed his head into Sanzo's palm like a dog starved for attention, grinning like he was supposed to for the first time all day.

Exactly what Sanzo wanted. Crisis averted. Goku understood things left unsaid much more than Sanzo gave him credit for sometimes. He thought the conversation was over, but as he tried to withdraw, Goku grabbed his hand.

“Hey, Sanzo?” Goku twisted around in the passenger seat. His gaze went steely, and he set his jaw. He'd obviously made his mind up about something. “There's something I gotta tell you.”

Sanzo frowned, but let Goku clasp his hand in both of his. “I'm listening.”

Goku nodded, then sucked in a breath, filling his lungs, then squeezed Sanzo's hand. “I... I'm a guy, okay? You know that. I'm a guy, I act like a guy, I dress like a guy, most of my friends are guys, okay? But...” He squeezed his eyes shut. “I wasn't always a guy.”

Sanzo felt that like a blow to the chest. “What.”

“I don't usually say it like that. Um, it's like this.” Goku released Sanzo's hand and laced his fingers together. “Uhm, you know how when you're born, the doctor looks between your legs and says, 'this is a boy,' 'this is a girl,' they probably looked between your legs and said you were a boy, right? They looked at me and said I was a girl.” He squeezed his eyes shut. “So for a while, I had to wear dresses and hair bows, they called me a girl's name, and they made me play with baby dolls and pink stuff because they thought I was a girl, but the thing was, in my head, I didn't feel like a girl.” Sanzo could see Goku's knees shaking. “I liked monster trucks and wrestling and I hated Barbie, and I hated wearing pigtails and dresses, and I told Mama, 'stop treating me like a girl,' and then Mama took me to a special doctor in Sacramento and they put together that even though I had a girl's body, I was a boy on the inside.”

“You're telling me you're not biologically male.” Sanzo couldn't be hearing this right. Nothing about Goku seemed feminine in the least. “You said you were how old when you...?”

“Four.” Goku bit his lip. “Mama said it was just a glitch when God was putting me together. My head and heart and soul are all boy, but my body isn't.” He fidgeted again. “But some of me is a boy! I've, um, been on shots since I was nine.”

Sanzo ran his eyes over Goku's body. “Shots.”

“Testosterone.” Goku seemed to feel Sanzo staring at him, and subconsciously pulled his arms over himself. “I started it basically around when I hit puberty, so I started girl puberty a little, but it stopped short and I went through guy puberty. That's why I got a low voice and my face is a guy's, and I don't have girly hips.” He extended a hand to touch Sanzo's wrist. “But if you feel here?” Sanzo let Goku take his wrist and guide it to his shoulder. He pressed Sanzo's palm in, and Sanzo felt something under Goku's shirt. “That's a binder. I kinda have...” Goku traced a little circle around his chest, and Sanzo filled in the blanks and nodded. Goku shuddered. “Yeah, I kinda hate 'em. They're not big, 'cause like I said, I started testosterone early, and I'm saving for top surgery to get 'em off. Mama says that 'cause they're small and I don't wear my binding stuff too much, the surgery should be a lot easier, they can just do a keyhole instead of double-incision or – uh, guess you wouldn't know about all that.”

Sanzo sucked air in through his nose and studied Goku again. Top surgery. That meant there was a bottom surgery. “You don't have a dick.”

“Nope.” Goku hung his head. “And, uh, that's a lot more complicated. At least with top surgery, they're just taking something off. Bottom surgery means you're putting somethin' in that wasn't there before.” He laughed, sharp and anxious, and ran his hand into his hair and gripped it against his scalp. “I mean, when a girl gets breast implants, that's under the skin, so it's easier to hide that! You can't just, y'know, make something where there's kinda nothing.” He released his hair, his shoulders hunching. “So, uh, there's really good odds I'm never gonna have a dick. There's stuff you can do down there to sorta make a fake, but there's no real good way of making one that's gonna match yours. Plus, it's crazy expensive.” He scrunched his nose, and looked up at Sanzo. “So, I kinda came to peace with that. I pack most days, especially if I'm gonna wear tighter pants, and feeling something there is good enough for me. I might get a hysterectomy sooner rather than later, 'cause having a vagina's not a problem but I know getting knocked up would really set my dysphoria off. If I've ever got enough money, I can consider my options.”

Sanzo frowned, as Goku tried to set his shoulders back again and lift his face. Goku was baring his soul, and yet he still found himself searching over Goku's body. He wasn't sure he'd ever met someone who'd transitioned before, and suddenly found himself intimately close. He gathered his thoughts, still trying to put the new information together with the Goku he knew. “Alright,” he murmured after a moment, but shook his head again. Goku sat back, sucking on his lower lip and puzzling.

“Um... did you have any questions?”

Sanzo let a beat of silence pass, as a few children ran through the twirling snow flurries past the front bumper towards the park, a barking retriever of some sort in tow, but Goku only looked once, barely distracted. “What's your name?”

“Goku Son.”

Sanzo snorted. “What was it?”

Goku cringed. “Uh. That's, uh, not an okay question. They call it a 'deadname' for a reason. I kinda buried it when I cut my hair off – like, Mama dug a hole, and we tossed my hair and dresses and girl stuff in there and buried it. Mama changed my name and birth certificate. She kept a tiny bit of my old name, but I honestly prefer not thinking about who I was before then.” He hung his head. “It wasn't me.”

“Oh.” Sanzo frowned, and withdrew from the line he'd crossed. “Sorry.”

Goku's eyes widened with surprise. “Oh, wow, uh, it's okay, really! You didn't know, you don't gotta apologize. I don't think I've ever heard you – anyway.” He withdrew again, his hands clasping in his lap. “Anything else?”

Sanzo mulled it over. “You're... considering top surgery.”

“Definitely want that. Mama's got a special savings fund for it. I send whatever money I got left after the bills get paid, and she matches it.” Goku wrung his fingers. “I almost have two-thousand dollars in there now, so maybe once I'm working full time, I'll get enough this year. At least the hysterectomy might actually be covered by my insurance, y'know?” He grinned sheepishly. “Mama told me I have a higher risk of ovarian cancer 'cause of the T, so getting all that scooped out could be considered preventative care.”

Sanzo shuddered at the thought of Goku talking about his body like it was just something to be cut and changed, but gathered his thoughts for another question. “And you still use testosterone.”

“Uh-huh. Every three weeks, Mama drives me down to Sacramento. I get a great big needle and my butt's sore for a few days, but it's a maintenance dose. I'll likely be on some form of testosterone for the rest of my life, since some of the changes aren't permanent.” He frowned to himself. “Hopefully the clinic I go to stays open for a good long time. Mama said it's hard to find a good doctor who'll help me and not treat me like crap 'cause I wasn't born a guy.” Sanzo examined Goku's face, then put a hand on his shoulder.

“I can ask if Koumyou knows of anyone closer who does hormone and reassignment therapy. Sacramento's three hours away, that's one hell of a drive for a needle.”

“Oh, the drive's not a problem, Mama and me sing road songs the whole way, and plus we'll usually do a nice lunch together and go shopping while we're...” Goku trailed off, as if just realizing what Sanzo had said. “Look, I'm tryin' not to look a gift horse in the mouth here, but now the shock's worn off, you seem really weirdly okay with this.”

Sanzo's brow knit up, but he put his other hand over Goku's and squeezed. “Yeah. I didn't ask your dick out. I didn't give your flat chest and manly pectoral muscles my number. I wanted to see you. I'm just seeing you for who you are now.” He frowned. “It's more complicated than I expected, but it's still just you. Thank you for trusting me.”

Goku's nearly stoic explanation broke, and his voice cracked: “You mean you're not breaking up with me?!”

“No. Idiot, did I say I was?”

Goku groaned and sagged, turning so he could slump in the passenger seat. “Oh my gosh, I thought for sure – but you're not!”

“No,” Sanzo repeated, rolling his eyes.

“But you're gay! Hakkai said you were only into dudes!”

“You started this whole rant off with the very clear statement that you were a dude.” Sanzo folded his arms. “Look at me.” Goku barely lifted his chin, and Sanzo stared him down. “Why did you wait this long?”

Goku hummed and lowered his face again. “Well, at first it didn't matter, 'cause we just met, why the heck would you care? And then, well, you hadn't seen my body or even asked me to take my shirt off, and we weren't having sex or nothing, so it didn't matter. Then I just had to figure out when to break it to ya that maybe I wasn't everything you thought I was.”

“Idiot. It's exactly like you said. You are not just your parts.” Sanzo threaded his fingers into Goku's hair again. Goku leaned into his touch, and Sanzo felt something like sunlight melting ice down his face. “You're a companion, not a sex toy. This is fine. We'll figure it out together.”

“Thank you,” Goku whispered, and put his face in Sanzo's shoulder, leaning over the center console to sink against Sanzo. “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

Sanzo could feel that Goku had something thicker under his clothes now that he was feeling for it, but it didn't change that it felt very nice to hold Goku against him, like sunshine melting snow.

Sanzo let Goku hug him until the snow flurries had covered the windshield, at which point he turned the wipers on, which caught Goku's attention. “Oh, jeez, it's coming down now.”

“There are still people in the park, so it can't be that bad.” Sanzo turned the front defroster on. “But I'll get you home before the roads get icy.”

“Thank you.” Goku sat back and put his seat belt back on, though Sanzo caught him still quivering a little out of the corner of his eye. Sanzo knew that this had changed next to nothing between them, but he faintly realized that maybe it should.

“Do you want me to take you to Sacramento?” He put the car in gear just as Goku whipped around again, gaping. “For your shot.”

“S-Sanzo – I – uh, I have an hour of therapy when I go down there, too. You'd be bored.”

“I can amuse myself for an hour. If you'd rather keep this a special thing with you and 'Mama,' that's fine, but if you ever want to take me, you need only ask.” He paused. “Does 'Mama' have a name?”

“You could just call her Mother Bosatsu, I guess.” Goku sniffed, his lower lip wiggling through a big, wobbly smile. “And... yeah. Maybe we can do a Sacramento day trip together some time.” He smiled and snaked an arm over to Sanzo's shoulder, tugging him sideways in his seat. Sanzo grunted his annoyance, but let Goku have it. Goku had given him plenty today, he should at least make a token effort to meet him in the middle.

“Do you have big New Year's plans?” Koumyou could make loaded questions sound dreadfully innocent, and Sanzo peered out of his office to glare at him. He was filling out his accreditation forms at his desk using one of the pens decorated with a peacock feather and not quite looking at Sanzo, his smiling eyes down on his desk. Sanzo could already tell he was fishing. One of the things that made Koumyou a good therapist was that he could get the information he really wanted by asking questions around it in a careful waltz until he was taking the last step and had come in for the kill. Sanzo had gotten used to listening for it.

“Why do you want to know? You trying to make plans?”

“Ah, no, your father and I will do what we usually do.” Koumyou giggled. “Dinner, then stay in and watch a benefit concert on television. I think Marin Alsopp will be conducting the SFSO this year. I suppose I'd like to know if you'd like us to include you in our reservations, or if you were going to do something else this year.”

It sounded so reasonable. Koumyou was good at sounding reasonable. Sanzo's suspicion couldn't so easily be assuaged. “Hm. Maybe.”

“Let's see.” Koumyou paused and brushed the feather of the pen across his lower lip. “Hakkai told me he and Gojyo were going to a wine tasting. Did he invite you to join them?”

“Goku can't drink.” Sanzo bit his own tongue the second the words came out. Koumyou merely hummed, but Sanzo knew Koumyou needed more. “I haven't asked him about his plans yet.”

“Oh, really? Perhaps if you were going to make plans, it would be prudent to make them.” Koumyou returned to filling out his paperwork and hummed vacantly. Sanzo grimaced and scooted back into his office.

Making plans meant plans could be broken, but Goku had proven his worth every time Sanzo had taken the risk. He picked his phone up and dialed Goku's number without hesitating.

Goku picked up promptly. “Just a sec, greasy fingers!” Sanzo rolled his eyes, but he heard a frantic scuffle on the other side as Goku hurried to find some way to clean his hands (and likely his face). Then, Goku returned: “Sorry about that. What's up?”

Sanzo sniffed. “Do you have New Year's Eve plans?”

“Me an' some friends were gonna go to a movie.” Goku paused. “But, um, that's not totally set in stone, y'know? Did you want to make some plans?”

Sanzo felt a little relief at Goku understanding without him even trying to explain. “I'm not picky. Dinner?”

“Sure!”

“I'll make reservations.”

Goku, on the other end, gasped. “So, it'll be like a dinner date? Just you and me?” He heard Goku just off the receiver, “I've never been on an actual dinner date!” Then, he came back on. “N'then, maybe we could find somewhere nice to listen to music? I know you like that.”

Sanzo did. “I can do some looking and see if there are any places still accepting reservations with live entertainment.”

“Sure! Anything's fine, I can find something to eat on any menu. Usually I kinda wanna eat half of the menu.” Goku chuckled. “Just tell me where and what time, yeah? I'll be there, bells on!”

“I'll text you.” He hung up, but he could faintly hear Goku celebrating off speaker as he did. He had a funny feeling Goku hadn't been sure whether or not Sanzo would ask him out on a date again. He didn't tell Sanzo this, of course, because Sanzo would likely give him a good kick in the ass and tell him, 'I already told you once!' He couldn't lie and say that even after having him over for Christmas dinner that he'd completely come to terms with the knowledge that Goku was trans. He still, embarrassingly, found himself looking for any tells that Goku wasn't male. He'd found none thus far.

At the same time, Sanzo got the feeling Goku was waiting for Sanzo to decide he wasn't worth the trouble. Maybe he should take this opportunity to prove it.

He did so, with one last addendum by text message: “Bring an overnight bag with a change of clothes.”

Sanzo had no idea where Goku put all the free bread they'd put on the table at the restaurant. All he knew was that the waiters had replaced the basket at least three times and he'd only taken one roll for himself. How did someone so small pack away that much bread, a full plate of pesto, ask about the gnocchi Sanzo hadn't eaten (to the point of having his hand slapped away when Goku jokingly reached for it), and still want dessert?

On the bright side, whereas Goku was loud and enthusiastic, encouraging conversation, asking Sanzo to tell him how good his meal was and expressing how awesome the food was, when the band came out, a jazz quartet, Goku quieted down, speaking only in stage whispers to the waiter to ask for refills and the dessert menu, so Sanzo could enjoy the music. Goku did talk between songs:

“What was that one called? Do you know this song? Who wrote it?”

Sanzo found he usually knew at least one answer, and had no good reason not to tell Goku as much as he could. Goku admitted, “I listen to music, but only, like on the radio. Nataku puts orchestra stuff on while he's studying, but he doesn't actually know anything about it and he puts his headphones on sometimes, so I don't know much about it. The stuff you listen to is pretty neat, though! How'd you get so into jazz and stuff?”

“College,” Sanzo answered steadily, as Goku fidgeted with his soda glass, having long since scraped every last trace of chocolate mousse from his dessert plate. “I listened to the college radio and started to hear some songs I liked, so I researched the musicians independently. Soon, I just learned to listen for the songs that resonated with me. I listen to everything.”

“Cool! Do you do, like, deep cuts and stuff?”

“I'll listen to a full album, if that's what you mean. If I really like something that's not popular, then yes, I make an effort to listen to it when I feel like it.”

Goku glowed appreciatively. “You're all deep and considerate and stuff. It's so cool and cute.”

Sanzo felt his cheeks glow in return. “I just am.”

“Yeah, it's great.” Goku beamed, and the room only got warmer.

Sanzo suggested they leave by eleven, hoping to avoid any drivers who'd celebrated a little too hard, and Goku made no argument. He was perfectly happy to exhort all the fun they'd had up until that point as if Sanzo hadn't been there, enjoying it too. Sanzo couldn't admonish him as he chattered the entire car ride back to his parents' home. When they arrived, the shop was dark and locked, but there was a light on in an upstairs room. Goku hiked his backpack up his shoulders as Sanzo unlocked the door, and Sanzo guided Goku through the dark shop and to the stairwell. The front room on the second floor opened into a lounge where Toudai and Koumyou were sharing a worn-looking leather sofa and watching television. Koumyou hailed them with a wave as they walked past the door.

“Boys, welcome back. Would you care to join us? Madame Alsopp is about to take the podium.”

Sanzo grunted. “Not enough room on the sofa for four. We'll watch in my room.”

Toudai tipped his focus from the television for a moment to raise an eyebrow. Goku, however, gaped at Sanzo. “Wow, you got your own TV?”

“I insisted after sixteen years of passive-aggressive squabbles over whether we would watch primetime dramas or the cooking channel.” Sanzo continued to lead Goku up the stairs. “Besides, I preferred Jeopardy.”

“Lucky! We always had to draw straws at the foster house! Luckily, most everyone wanted to watch cartoons...” Goku tromped up after him to the third floor. Both of them missed the quick, nonverbal exchange between Toudai and Koumyou, Toudai gesturing furiously in their wake and Koumyou stifling a giggle.

Sanzo's bedroom was pretty sparsely appointed. He had a double bed, a chest of drawers that looked like unfinished wood, a bookshelf, and a television stand with, of course, a TV. Sanzo pushed the pillows against the wall like a makeshift daybed and gestured. “Get comfy.”

“Thanks!” Goku took his shoes off and put them by the door, dropped his backpack next to Sanzo's chest, and hopped onto the bed, shoulders against the wall, spread out so he could face the TV. Sanzo sat closer to the edge of the bed, but he yawned before he'd even settled in. Goku nudged Sanzo's hip with his toe. “Are you sleepy?”

Sanzo cast a glare in Goku's direction. “No.” As if to betray him, he yawned again, but cleared the roughness from his voice to add, “I'm used to early mornings, not late nights.”

“What time are you usually asleep?” Goku kicked his feet around. Sanzo muttered something, and Goku nudged his hip again. “Louder?”

“Nine.” Sanzo rolled his eyes. “And up by five. Forgive me for not being a spry college student pulling all-nighters.”

Goku snickered. “Man, if words could actually hurt a guy! Watch the sarcasm there, jeez. And it's okay! If you wanna get into your PJs and get actually comfy, it's okay. I'll put mine on, too!” Goku jumped back off the bed and went for his backpack, but paused just as he went for the zipper. “That's cool, right?”

Goku was holding his gaze, and it took Sanzo a moment for his brain to catch up with Goku's unspoken question. Then he remembered Goku was kind of an idiot. “Yeah. It's a sleepover. If you wanna change in the bathroom, it's across the hall. If you want a glass of water or a snack, you know where the kitchen is. Just don't go up the stairs, that's Toudai and Koumyou's suite.” He waved Goku off, but Goku looked grateful. For all of Goku's stupidities, it was nice that he wasn't presuming anything.

Sanzo shucked his overshirt and pants and flopped down on his bed again. Might as well get used to being comfortable around someone else now.

When Goku returned, it was in a tight-looking white tank top and boxer shorts with a monkey printed on it. Sanzo knew he was staring, but he hoped he was more subtle than Goku. Goku stopped cold for a moment, gaping, then shook it off and hopped back on the bed, leaving a little distance between the pair of them. Sanzo sat up and scooted so they could sit close, and Goku raised his eyebrows, but took the opportunity to wrap an arm around Sanzo's waist.

On TV, the conductor stepped to the podium and raised her baton, the orchestra members lifted their instruments and played a single note in unison, and Sanzo relaxed into Goku's shoulder. He was surprisingly solid for someone so small, and who clearly still had his share of cracks under the surface, and as Sanzo closed his eyes, Goku started to smooth his palm in little circles on his back. “Hey, if you're sleepy, it's okay. I'll tuck you in if you doze off.”

Sanzo was already lolling against him. Goku rested the side of his head against Sanzo's and pulled him closer by the waist. He wasn't sure how many liberties he could take with Sanzo, if he was allowed to stroke his hair or take his shirt the rest of the way off, but he let Sanzo doze against him as the music started to play.

When midnight came, Goku was still contentedly watching the concert, and Sanzo was fast asleep against him. “Hey, Sanzo?” Goku nudged him as the little countdown in the corner of the screen neared zero. “It's midnight. Did you want me to be your first kiss of the New Year?” Sanzo lifted his head a little, opening an eye halfway, then sat up and slid his arm up Goku's back.

“Don't ask me stupid questions.” He captured Goku around the shoulder and tugged him close, nose to nose, then hesitated. Goku, too, could see the countdown on the screen, and whispered it:

“Nine, eight, seven, six...” Sanzo's hand trembled on his shoulder, and Goku put his lip against Sanzo's chin and finished: “Five-four-three-two--!”

Sanzo closed the distance and kissed him, and Goku closed his arms around him. Sanzo's kiss was lazy and deep, and Goku forgot about time.

Sanzo fell asleep with Goku still tasting his mouth, and Goku eased him down onto the bed the rest of the way, then cuddled up to his side. He managed to turn the lamp off without moving, but left the television on, and music washed over them as they fell into solace without a sound.

Goku woke at four in the morning with his stomach growling. He could practically feel his stomach shaking the bed as it growled and complained at him, and he grimaced and sat up. “I knew I should have grabbed some more breadsticks for a midnight snack.” He untangled his legs from Sanzo's and stretched as he rose. Something felt off; his chest was a little sore, but he couldn't be sure why. “Probably just 'cause it's a different bed.” He glanced back at Sanzo where he still slept, breathing softly into his pillow. Sanzo's bed was really comfy; the top was as squishy as a marshmallow, the blankets thick and soft, and the whole thing smelled a little like Sanzo's soap and cigarettes. He kind of never wanted to get out.

Goku found the pantry easily and found a box of crackers. Hopefully, Toudai and Koumyou wouldn't notice a few missing. Or a sleeve. He found himself stretching his arms over his head again as he ate a few, but it was only as he itched at his chest that he realized the problem.

“Crap, fell asleep in my binder like an idiot!” He put the crackers down on the counter and quickly started yanking the Velcro loose on the sides. He breathed just a little easier with the compression off, but just as he went to take the tank off, he heard a gasp from the door and looked up to see a shadow blocking the dim light from the hall.

Toudai in a dressing robe. Gawking at him.

Goku covered his chest with his arm, trying not to panic. “M-Mister Toudai!” He grabbed the crackers off the counter. “Sorry, I was just gettin' a snack – I'll clean up the mess, I'm sorry!” Toudai's mouth was still agape, his shoulders slumped, and Goku waved his free hand. “I, uh, I can explain–”

“Wait.” Toudai compressed his forehead in his hand, his thumb and pinky pressed to his temples at his hairline. “Calm down. You don't owe me an explanation. Here.” He slid his robe off and held it out. “Take that thing off, you can wear this. I may not know much, but I know you shouldn't sleep in it.”

Goku felt his face flush, but as he took the robe, Toudai turned on his heel. “Meet me in the den upstairs. I wish to have a very serious conversation with you.” He strode away, brooking no argument, and Goku cringed and carefully peeled his binder the rest of the way off.

Crap, crap, crap.

Toudai's robe was three sizes too big for Goku, still a little warm off of his chest and carrying the faint scent of chamomile. Toudai had worn pajamas underneath, at least, and Goku was a little relieved he wouldn't have to have this 'very serious conversation' with Toudai shirtless. Toudai had settled on one end of the sofa, and had pulled a leather tuffet close. He patted the smaller cushion as Goku entered the room. “Sit, my boy.” Goku obediently sat near him, pulling the robe around so he wouldn't crush the velvet, and Toudai slapped a hand on his back. “This... whatever this is, changes nothing. If Kouryuu likes you as you are, that is all that's important to us.”

“Mr. Toudai, I'm sorry – I would'a told you, but--”

“It's not important to me. Your gender changes nothing, and as far as I care, it hasn't changed.” He actually smirked. “At least three of the young fellows I coached needed me to help them pack their shorts so they looked right for competitions. That's not what I wanted to talk to you about.” Toudai squeezed his shoulder. “Where are you getting your hormones?”

That wasn't what Goku was expecting. He quickly searched Toudai's face for the deeper meaning, but found only stone cold demand. “Uh, I go to a doctor in Sacramento every three weeks for my T shot.”

“Okay.” Toudai sagged, clearly relieved. “Thank you. That's reassuring. I...” Toudai heaved a sigh, collapsing like a hollow mountain. “I need you to promise me something.” Toudai slid his hand down Goku's arm and took his hand. Goku sat up, listening intently, as Toudai squeezed his fingers. “I need you to promise me that no matter how hard things get, how impatient you are to transition, anything, you do not chase under-the-table testosterone, you do not take more than your doctor orders you, and for Heaven's sake, no matter what you do, never, never--” He clamped Goku's hand tight. “NEVER share a needle.”

Toudai's grip hurt, but his hand was shaking. Goku squeezed his hand back. “I promise.”

Toudai leaned in towards Goku, still clenching his hand. “You don't understand, boy. I may not be here next year to remind you of this. Hell, your relationship with Kouryuu is still hardly in its infancy, you may not be around, either. But know that Koumyou will help you, if it comes to that, just, please, never get so desperate that you make a foolish mistake like I did!”

Goku sucked in a breath. “Mister Toudai?”

Toudai's hand was still shaking. “I have made countless mistakes, my boy. I suffered through twenty years of a loveless marriage to a woman who spent our every damned photo op comparing me to her senorita lover under her breath, and only able to see Koumyou in the night, sneaking around. I turned down so many opportunities for the sake of protecting my identity. Worst, I tried to keep up with my failing body through my latter years of athletics with – with...” Toudai inhaled and exhaled, clearly straining to scrape his soul clean. “You can't imagine what it's like. To sacrifice one's happiness for years for the sake of success, only to see it drained by age... I thought I had no choice but to use HGH to keep up.”

Goku didn't dare say a word. Not with Toudai still shaking in front of him. Toudai shook his head. “It's horrible, isn't it? My pride and stubbornness drove me to... to...” He grimaced. “My own gravestone.” He forced himself ramrod straight. “It was the early nineties. I knew of blood-borne diseases, but there were no massive public information campaigns, and it wasn't taught when I was in school.  I was flying blind, and though I knew long-term steroid use would have negative consequences, I thought that just a little, just until I could retire, it wouldn't... But it was illicitly acquired, and shared with...” Toudai swallowed hard. “Others. Other gay men. We knew of HIV, but it was not widely known all the ways it could be spread, and...”

Goku trembled. “Mr. Toudai? You mean you...”

Toudai's hands tensed, and he withdrew from Goku. “I've been HIV positive since the year we adopted Kouryuu.” He hung his head, lacing his fingers until his knuckles went white. “I've been fortunate. We're both professionals, well-to-do, and able to afford antiretroviral therapy and enzyme suppressants. It's become harder since my diagnosis became publicly known and I was forced to retire, even more when my medicine caused me to develop diabetes, but we've managed. However, just a few weeks ago...” He shook his head. “My viral load has steadily increased over the last few years. As of three weeks ago, I've been diagnosed with AIDS.”

“Oh, oh man.” Goku shook his head. “I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, I had no--”

“Why are you apologizing, boy?” Toudai shook his head again, his forehead falling forward. “You didn't force me to take that dirty needle. You had nothing to do with anything I've done. I... I know I seem a crotchety old grouch, but it frustrates me to watch you young people make the same mistakes I did. I want to share what I know, what I've learned, but I can't force you to do what is correct. I can only ask that you hear me out.”

Goku launched himself off of his little stool and hugged Toudai around the shoulders. “Of course. And you're right. I promise I'll never share needles, I promise I'll listen to my doctor.” He hugged Toudai tight, embracing him despite Toudai's shock. “An', please don't be afraid to touch me. I'm smart, I know you're not contagious to me.” He sat right beside Toudai, as Toudai collected himself. “It's okay. I know me an' Sanzo haven't been together long, but he means a lot to me, and I hope I get to stay a for a long time.” He took Toudai's hand again. “Even if you won't be around forever, it's okay. Thank you for trying to take care of me.”

Toudai studied Goku for a moment, then cracked a wry, self-deprecating smile. “You're so easygoing, so much like Koumyou. I would kiss you if I didn't know better.” He wrapped an arm around Goku and hugged him again.

When he opened his eyes from Toudai's embrace, he noticed Koumyou standing just outside of the door, with Sanzo swaying on his feet a step behind him. He closed his eyes and hugged Toudai a little tighter, until Toudai lifted his head and spotted them too.

“We've been having a heart to heart.” Toudai patted Goku's back. “I've gained a new appreciation and understanding for the young man.”

“Ah. Well.” Koumyou came into the room and wrapped an arm around Toudai. “A new year, a new outlook, isn't that right?” He then patted Goku's knee, squeezing it through the velvet of Toudai's robe. “And if my understanding is correct, hopefully an improved you.”

Goku shot Sanzo a raised eyebrow, and he hung his head. Goku quickly understood that Sanzo had likely felt the need to explain, and shot him a winning beam. He knew he’d have to tell Koumyou next anyway. “Yeah, I hope so. The more my outsides match my insides, the better.” He opened an arm. “Hey, you wanna join in the big group hug?”

“No.” Sanzo folded his arms and propped his shoulders on the wall, but Koumyou got up just long enough to grab him by the collar of his shirt and yank him over to the hug pile. Sanzo flailed for a second, but finally begrudgingly let Koumyou and Goku hug him and Toudai.

“Since we're all awake,” Koumyou said after a moment, “Why don't I start some breakfast?”

“Nah.” Goku cuddled back into Sanzo's chest, breaking the two of them away from Toudai and Koumyou. “I just wanted a midnight snack. I'm still kinda tired.”

“That's fine, dear. Kouryuu, why don't you take him back to sleep?” Koumyou captured Toudai's hand in his. “Since we have a moment, Toudai and I are going to have a conversation now.”

Sanzo escorted Goku back up to his room and handed Goku a shirt from his drawer so Goku could keep his modesty. “That tight thing, don't wear it so much. Can't be good for you.”

“Thanks.” Goku turned and redressed, and when he turned around, Sanzo was already back in bed.

“Of course, the old men'll be the death of you.” He stretched out on the side closest to the wall. “They're probably plotting how to best help you right now.”

“Y'think?”

“I know.” Sanzo rolled over, leaving a very clear space beside him. “Get back in bed. We've got a few more hours before we have to start this new year.”

Goku thought it might be scary to come out to Sanzo's parents, or to Sanzo himself. He should have known that it wouldn't have been as bad as he'd thought, and that it would only make things better.

He jumped into bed next to Sanzo and cuddled up to his back, scenting his cigarettes and soap. He hoped that didn't change. It seemed like maybe lots of things would, and all for the better.

“Happy New Year, Sanzo.”

Sanzo was already snoring, and he unconsciously wound an arm around Goku. He closed his eyes into the wee hours, already knowing it would be a good year.