#even if we didnt it would still be on him home planet-

[rogers-attic]

WE WERE ROBBED 😭😭😭

[mangosrar]

i haven’t heard from you since.

chris sturniolo x fem reader.

idk if i specified but they’re in a relationship and have been for like 3 years!!

also hey y’all i disappeared for a while but i’m back 😛and i’m currently trying to get through the requests so be ready 😈love y’all. bee ❤️‍🩹

how had it become like this? it seemed so unbelievable that there was a point in yoir life where you thought you were going to marry him, have children, and grow old together. if someone would have told you three years ago that you would both end up like this you would have laughed in their face. he used to be so sweet, so passionate about you, but now that couldnt be further from the truth.

you werent really sure when the change happened, or why it happened maybe a little after your birthday, maybe before. of course you knew people grow apart but this wasnt growth. this was borderline misery. the constant fighting, the days of ignoring one another, the nights where chris would come home at 2am and not say a word to you after you had been waiting up for him, it was nothing short of torture.

but still every single time, both of you just let it blow over, waiting until the next bomb went off, but the long lasting was lasting a little too long.

"oh please, like you were actually worries" he scoffed, taking his hat off and throwing it on the kitchen table.

"you stormed out on me, you didnt even tell me where you were, youve been gone for 5 hours and you stroll in at almost 3am expecting me to be cool about it? what fucking planet are you living on" you said staring at him.

he didnt even reply he just shook his head, leaning against the counter and crossing his arms, keeping his eyes trained to the floor. a moment of silence passed as you waited for him to say something, anything, and finally he took a deep breath in and pulled his eyes up to meet yours.

"maybe i just dont wanna fucking be around you" his voice was quiet and soft, a stark contrast to the sharpness of his words. his expression was stoic and completely unreadable.

he watched the colour drain from your face, as he did every time he would bark an insult at you. a small part of him felt nothing but pure joy to know that he had the power to completely crush you, like when murderers say they feel no remorse for the people theyve killed, but another small part of him was bleeding, a self-inflicted stinging, like a pain he had never felt before.

"you know what chris, day by day i realize everything i miss about you was never there in the first place, the person i fell in love with was a fucking mirage." your words were dripping with venom. his face faltered for a second, momentarily letting the mask slip, and the pain your words were causing him beginning to slip out.

"you dont mean that" he looked like he was about to burst into tears, and it made your mouth run dry.

you tried so hard to keep it together, but the tears that had gathered in your waterline threatened to spill with every single Shakey breath you took. there was a pregnant pause and the effect of your words hung in the air. chris stared at you intensely and you let your eyes rest anywhere but on him, you couldnt look at him, at the chance of seeing him with watery eyes and a wobbly lip might make you fall at his feet once more.

you took a deep breath before eventually meeting his gaze and beginning to talk.

"i dont know why things changed chris.... but one day i woke up and we no longer spoke the same language, and i havent heard from you since" chris watched every time as he crushed you, but now as he took your place, standing there with his hands by his sides, mouth hanging open, taking rapid breaths, in and out, while trying not to cry, he felt as though you had murdered him.

"that doesnt mean i dont love you y/n, we can work through this, weve done it before, ill be better i promise i will" he spoke with a wobbly voice.

the tears were now full force streaming down your face. he stood there across the kitchen with wide eyes, trying to think of how to come back from this, but there was something about the way you opened your mouth to speak again, that told him there wasnt.

"i cant relax around you chris, if i relaxed my body now, id fall apart. if i relaxed for a fucking second, id never find my way back. why cant you see that?" you paused for a moment and shook your head at him in disbelief. "why cant you see that you are tearing me limb for limb when i have done nothing but love you? why cant you understand that i have poured all of my heart and soul onto you to try and wash away whatever it is thats made you like this and you are throwing it back in my face? i mean when will this fucking end?" you were yelling and you hadnt even realized you had made your way over to him and were now standing less than a foot away.

"y/n please, dont do this. ill get my shit together and ill be better because i love you" he looked at you with pleading eyes as he spoke, reaching out to grab your hand, but when you pulled away before he even got the chance to even feel your skin on his, it was like he had died right there in that second.

"do you?" you whispered, swallowing thickly, desperately trying to stop the floodgates from opening more.

chriss face was wet with tears as he stared down at you sniffling. he opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out. he was completely gob smacked. he never thought it would get to this point. but as your eyes bored into his, wordlessly begging him to say something that would fix this, he felt as though the earth was crumbling beneath his feet.

his silence gave you all the answers that you needed, so with that you turned around and walked away, and the sound of his broken voice calling your name, spoke volumes.

he knew it was over, he knew that you were about to go upstairs and pack your bags and walk out the door, but he didnt do a thing to try and stop you, he knew he wouldnt be able to fix this even if he tried, so he watched you walk away, and the second you were out of sight, he fell to his knees, clutching his chest like he was dying and letting out sob after sob, like it would mend all damage he had done.

in the next room, you were frantically trying to keep your self control. the urge to walk back in there and wipe his tear-stained cheeks and kiss his broken heart better was paralyzing. the sound of him wailing and weeping was soul crushing, but this had to be done, one of you had to be strong enough to walk away.

you knew he would leave such an imprint on you, he had left such severe claw marks that anyone you even entertained after chris, would have to know him in order to understand you, and that might have been the worst fucking part.

—————————————-—————————————

taglist: @christinarowie332 @biimpanicking @chrisenthusiast @soursturniolo @kitaysworld @kvtie444 @mattslolita @flowerxbunnie @lovingsturniolo @its-jennarose @ermdontmindthisaccount @secret-sturniolo @rac00ns-are-c00l4 @justaslvttygirl @urfavstromboli @recklesssturniolo @delimeats-000 @nickdevora @gwenlore @sturnioloenthusiast

[nightfall-1409]

like its ok to wish that hunter did more to get crosshair out but i will say PLEASE stop saying that rescuing the literal helpless child from the child murdering fascists was somehow wrong of Hunter.

also like. can we stop undermining the very clear and obvious way that crosshair liked the power that he was given in the empire, especially over others, he was radicalized. he convinced himself that the war crimes were justified in the name of power. that is a far bigger problem and something that is going to haunt him far longer and requires a lot more to undo and forgive (and some people will never and should never do that, and others can't bc they are Dead)

to say it was all the effects of the chips, at this point in the series, its just not true. the events of aftermath specifically are 100% the chip. Everything after that is up for debate. We don't know when it was taken out, but at some point it was, and crosshair's pov is that it doesn't matter when, bc he likes where he's at. Had he not been abandoned by the empire on Kamino for so long, I doubt he would have ever changed, had Cody not deserted after confronting him about what it was the clones were doing, I doubt he would have ever changed. Had he not been forced to see Mayday's struggle and fight to bring him home and still after everything they both gave after everything suffered mayday died not in battle but because someone couldn't be bothered to even try to help him, I don't think he would have changed. I don't think Hunter could talk him out of it, and maybe he didn't try hard enough, or really, at all. Crosshair's version of loyalty, though, is blind, unquestioning, a soldiers loyalty. Obeying what they were doing, things that Hunter couldn't obey, and would have made him a monster to do.

But I can't imagine the disgust I would be forced to contend with if like, my family member came forward like "oh yes we're built to be soldiers, that doesn't mean preserving or protecting innocents, It means power and killing those who get in my way. its my purpose in life and i think you're stupid for not getting over the moral objections" like what do you even say to that. Hunter at that point had SEEN what the empire was doing. They both had, their home planet, (and head canons aside, all clones did in fact, in canon, see it as their home.) orbitally bombarded to secure power. How do you talk someone out of that, if fundamentally what your disagreement is on the value of life. You don't. Hence Hunter's demands in S3E5 to know what changed. What finally made Crosshair realize what he believed, about power and his purpose, was wrong.

Crosshair didn't want out. Crosshair was upset they didn't stay. He saw their purpose as being with the Empire. They escaped and ran and deserted. If they weren't with him, in the Empire, then they should die, like the Jedi, and Crosshair did absolutely believe that.

So this is all to say that. they are not equally responsible for what happened to their squad. Crosshair didn't have a choice at first— but once he did keep running right over that line. And a lot of us hoped that he was lying about the chip, that he wasn't entirely responsible for all that he did. But he was. That's clear at this point.

Even the whole chip matter— it's prolly really hard for Hunter to separate it. logically, he knows it was partially the chip at this point. But at that point in the story he watched someone he was incredibly close to nearly kill them all and at the time he had no idea why. If Hunter'd not grabbed Omega by the leg and tripped her she would be shot dead. If omega hadn't surprised Crosshair by shooting his gun out of his hand he would have killed Hunter. He shot wrecker, to use him as bait against the rest of them? Like, again, we all knew about the chip, but I can understand the emotional toll of such a thing bc he DIDNT at the time. The betrayal in that moment? How do you let it go?

But thats all fine! its interesting its character development and its the story they were determined to tell. But like. we can be honest.

Now if someone thinks that im wrong i'd love to know what exactly hunter needs to be sorry about, and why he's equally responsible that doesn't like either downplay the war crimes and murder and doesn't throw Omega like directly into harms way and under the bus.

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

praxeus. episode of all time. yaz episode of all time. radiating self-assurance, showing off all the things shes learnt, wanting the doctor to see how good she is at this. at playing doctor and loving it. relishing having the keys to all places, having Secret Knowledge of Alien Things that she is in no way about to share with either jake or gabriela because where would be the rush of power in that?

jake, the (ex-)copper on a sabbatical. "except i dont go telling people im police!" give it a year or two love and youre using this (ex-)title on each of your self-found companions. which youre practicing now for with gabriela, pretty girl to forcefully introduce to her very first alien planet. well, almost.

both the girl best friends who've known each other for 5 years and one of which dies exploding, and the uncommunicative married/separated husbands who are punishing each other or themselves, one of which, again, almost dies exploding, looking like thasmin from every angle. (looking like thoschei, too, further back. because thats whats behind every picture of thasmin whichever way you cut it)

watching the identities slip and slide changing hands between all these parallels. Adam, sick astronaut, experimented on by aliens, clear doctor figure. or is he? jake, on the beach, sits where the doctor sits, saying he doesnt do emotions, admitting to being purposefully unreliable, unable to commit, disliking travelling! jake who can be summoned with a "help me". jake, who doesnt believe adam could really love him. who are we to apply this sentiment to, then? obviously, both. obviously, all.

"we didnt teleport into an active volcano!" yaz exclaims, too surprised at her own success to really be reassuring, as she holds onto her new friend's wrist, not hand, steering, directing, controlling. "im supposed to be the one saying that to you," the doctor responds, a year or three (or six, for yaz) later, when the destination is an active volcano, when in all these years theyve learnt to fly a spaceship together ("adam lang, your job is so easy!") but still havent figured out how to say the things that need saying, when one of them is dying, and the last time yaz was still pretending to be on sabbatical she knew for sure how old she was. two girls roaming.

the doctor wants so badly to figure this out, needs this win, after the identity shock of ruth, all the unanswered questions. even after the betrayal, after all the bad thats been done. "look at us, suki! two brilliant scientists, we can fix this!" whatever you did, whatever youve done, in desperation, wasnt right, but it's not the end. you can fuck it all up, and then you can help to try and unfuck as much as you can. just think. do not get carried away by fear. thats what scientist means, in the thirteenth doctor's mouth. someone who realises problems have solutions. that can be found. if you delay your frightened desperate furious reaction and just think for a second. she wishes she and suki could have worked together. she wishes they could have saved her planet as well as earth. she wishes she could have sent suki home, safe and sound, with solutions for whoever is left there, waiting for her, desperate and afraid. they will never know what happened. they will die sick and in ignorance.

adam offers himself up. hes dying anyway. they need a clinical trial and he is a suitable body to test on. makes you wonder. the master did not tell us everything, and what he didnt we'll never know, but as graham put it "i aint the fantasist round here" (detective morse, by the way, is not a reference i knew, but from wikipedia this character doesnt seem much to match jake's vibes, the master (and/or doctor) however...) what sense of duty might the child have felt? what sense of duty might the child have been talked into? or is that too patronising a way to frame it? what loyalty to her adoptive mother, a scientist and explorer, an example that still loudly resonates in 13, first-time woman, and what loyalty to her adoptive planet, people? what was life like on prehistoric gallifrey? "sparsely populated" is all we get. nothing about the possible reasons. disease doesnt seem out of the question. why did tecteun leave? "dangerous, unsophisticated space travel". why do something so dangerous? just the quest for knowledge? or was there desperation? was there fear?

"maybe," the doctor says, "i'll never know". and tecteun replies with a phrase the doctor herself has tried to leverage against yaz: the journey of a lifetime. "what do you do, 'Doctor'? pick people up, take them with you? you adopt them, use them, for reassurance, for company. theyre your experiments just as you were mine."

could she have been something else? who knows. but adam offered. and before that adam trained. and adam stepped into a rocket. and adam let himself be shot into space. scientist and explorer. and we're all full of plastic, whether we know it or not. and the doctor's a romantic. which is to say an idealist, here for the lost causes, a virus to kill the disease of our own making. infectious, and aware of it.

[luxrayblues]

I hope is not to wierd but can we get a cute larry x reader that the reader are pregnant and idk man, Larry wants to be with them but work hours and the reader gets clingy when Larry is home they always try smooch and cuddle and they are so happy he is back! Larry always bring then something to eat or reader has cooked because is his way to apollogize for been away so many hours idk man i just want cute fluff with Larry waitting to be a dad he didnt expect to be a dad at his age haha i just love your larry so smoochable and so many domestic life ideas

Not weird at all! It's super super cute!

Please accept this long awaited Larry fic my friends~

Larry x reader - Precious Moments

You were exhausted lately. Six months of pregnancy was hard work, there was no denying that. Although there was no change, you felt like Larry was gone all of the time. It seemed like you spent eternities alone though he was doing his usual 9-5 and coming straight home to you each day. Most days he even left work early which was unheard of for him, but he would make sure to bring you something good to eat to make up for his absence.

Larry had felt awful about the situation from the beginning of your pregnancy. It had been quite unexpected for both of you, but he had never thought at his age that he would be having children. The man couldn’t be happier about the prospect, but he hated that he couldn’t take time off to be with you. He still had a job to do, at least until the baby was actually here.

You on the other hand felt horrible for the way you had been acting, though you couldn’t control yourself at all. You were on top of that man from the moment he stepped through the door until he left the next morning. And the weekends? The poor thing couldn’t take a breath. You knew in your heart that you must be the most annoying thing on the planet but in reality, he couldn’t get enough of you. He relished every waking moment that he was with you and counted himself blessed. You being clingy only made him feel important, like he was actually somebody in this world. He could never understand that, to you, he was everything.

You were already at the door that evening as he walked up the driveway. He couldn’t even lay a finger on the knob and you had whipped it open to throw your arms around him, not caring that he was trying to balance his briefcase and your dinner in his arms. “My handsome dumpling~” You chirp happily and bury your face into his chest, breathing him in as he tried to juggle everything while loosely hugging you back. “Miss me?” He chuckles, already sounding like a dad.

You don’t even dignify the comment with a response, instead grabbing him by the tie and dragging him inside. You pull him down enough that you can press your lips to his, making a soft noise at the effort it takes just to get a kiss. “Mmh!” He grunts softly against your lips and leans in immediately. Larry was addicted to you. The taste of your lips and tongue as you press eager kisses to him was intoxicating for the poor man. He felt almost light-headed, full of so much love he couldn’t handle it until he realized he was about to drop your food and pulled himself away. “I need to... put the food down, love.” He gasps, taking a few heavy breaths, eyeing you like you were his favorite dish all the while.

As much as you don’t want to, you relent and pull back so he can bring everything to the kitchen, however you still have your arm hooked into his. “I missed you.” Your voice is soft and it breaks his heart to know you were home waiting for him all day. Once he had set everything on the counter, he turns to you and leans in to kiss your forehead. “I missed you too.” He assures you, touching your cheek with his large hand. He admires you for a long moment before releasing you. “Time to eat now, Dear.”

You wanted to tell him you weren’t interested in food, but your stomach growling gave away the truth. You were eating for two now and that baby would not let you forget. Even if all you wanted to do was curl up with Larry and snuggle the night away.

Larry ushers you to the couch, not letting you carry anything, he gets you set up with a tv tray and surrounds you with pillows before he sits down himself. He knew to leave an open section so you could sit with your body pressed against his while you ate.

“Mmh. Ah.” He makes quiet pleased noises as he eats. You always found it so precious that he couldn’t help himself when it came to good food. You lean against him, listening as you pick at your own food while the tv drones on. It was really just background noise for you both. Part of the routine. Occasionally you plant a kiss on his arm between bites. He was simply irresistible to you. His calm demeanor regardless of his true feelings made him seem so stoic, but you had come to know just how caring he was. It seemed like everything he did was with you and your incoming child in mind and you were eternally grateful that you had him.

Likewise while he wasn’t the most vocal about his feelings, Larry showed how much he cared in everything he did. Never had he expected to have the perfect domestic life, but you had showed up and changed everything for him. He'd never known happiness like this until you had shown up and he absolutely didn’t take it for granted.

“All done?” he smiles just slightly as he touches your cheek again, admiring you in the seconds it took for you to answer with a swift nod. You watch as he gets up to put your bowls away, whining softly because he was going to be more than a foot away from you. “I’ll only be a minute.” His promise is reassuring and helps your anxiety as you wait for him to return to you.

While he cleans the dishes, you shift around on the couch, getting in your usual position so that when he returns he’ll know exactly what to do. Know he did, coming back with his suit jacket off and sleeves rolled up. The smile that came to his lips made your heart flutter in anticipation. Larry climbs onto the couch and lays his head on your stomach gently, getting comfortable so he could feel and listen to the little life you had created together. This was his favorite part of the routine. Getting to hold you both while he rests and just surrounds himself with life’s meaning.

“I love you.” He rumbles and presses a kiss to your taut stomach. Your fingers slip into his salt and pepper hair, petting him gently. “I love you too.” You purr in response.

Everything felt worth it to both of you during these moments. You had each other and despite all, it was the most important thing to you both. You could’ve given up the world for this time with him.

“I love you to the moon and back.” You say, emphasizing how deeply you loved him. The cheesy line made him chuckle lightly, though it filled his heart to hear you say it. “I love you to the moon and back.” He nuzzles his face against you and lets out a soft, content breath.

You were both quiet for some time, relishing in one another’s company when he suddenly jerked his head up. It was a second before he pressed his cheek back to your stomach. “they’re awake in there.” He was beaming, his dark eyes sparkling with emotion as he felt for more kicks, rubbing his hand along you gently. His heart beat harder in his chest at the feeling of soft kicks against his hands.

“They hear their daddy.” You giggle as the baby seems to get more active, seeming to respond to his voice. You could feel the little kicks and hits as your baby squirmed around, responding to the familiar deep voice. You could see how proud Larry was as he nuzzled his face against you, talking quietly to the little guy. You could already tell your child was going to be spoiled on all fronts when they arrived, but you wouldn’t have it any other way.

You spend the rest of the night just like that with him gently petting over your stomach with those big hands of his. Your own fingers laced into his hair. Softly cooing over the baby and talking about how things were going to be when they arrived. You were both so caught up and in love with the soft moment that time got away from you that evening.

The things you wanted out of life were pretty simple, but you were both happy and that was what mattered.

[starrynightnight]

weight of the world

☆ ♡ ☆

welt yang x reader

wc: fuck if i know

a/n: its 1am, this shit aint proofread in any way, and i am running simply on the fact i had to get this outta my head or i couldnt sleep. enjoy, or dont, idc.. if theres any inconsistensies with the lore shhhhh there isnt shshhshhh we retcon shit in this house

notes: gn! reader (at least i think i didnt use any gendered terms for them), reader is implied to have sacrificed themself, i am not familiar with honkai lore AT ALL

☆ ♡ ☆

it was too sudden back then.

the stand against sirin, ottos betrayal - welt had really held his own

and yet, when the dust settled, he couldnt do more than hold your lifeless remains close, tattered from the hell they went through.

he vowed to never forget you. just like he carried humanity, he carried you within his heart.

still, he couldnt help but forget. nothing could replicate your scent, your touch, your love. nothing in this world would even come close to the salvation that was holding you close.

which is why it was both an immense relief and a stab through his chest seeing you again, alive and well, living among 'your' people.

because you were here, right in front of him, offering your assistance in finding and removing the stellaron from your planet. but you werent his.

the 'you' that was welts was now nothing but ash and bittersweet memories, flickering through time.

the threat of the stellaron was soon quelled, thanks to the trailblazers from beyond the stars. while your people celebrated, you sat further away from all the chatter and laughter. big gatherings were never your thing, but for once you could indulge in the glee of your people from afar.

you felt the presence of the older trailblazer before you saw him sit beside you. no words needed to be said. for some reason, silence felt complete beside him.

you tried offering him and his companions the best accomodations your settlement could offer. its the least they deserved after saving your people, and you swear you saw his breath hitch.

it pained welt to say no to you, but he knew if he were to spend one more night here, he would never want to leave.

he would never want to go back home, because deep down he knew it was no longer 'home', not without you.

and you were here.

oh, how hed love to hold you, to kiss you, to completely indulge in you one last time. his hands didnt remember what your skin felt like, he couldnt remember your taste, your touch. time mercilessly eroded all he had of you.

and now you stand before him, and he cant have you, because youre not his.

but you are still you.

so he departs, because if he doesnt, he might never want to leave your side again. welt is a stranger to you in this world, and you are not his.

he leaves you with the words he wished hed told you sooner, before the ash coated your skin. before you ceased to be his.

"you need not carry the weight of the world alone."

[current-interest-writings]

A Babys Space Halloween

Mando x reader x baby yoda 

After leaving Navarro behind to begin to look for the child's people ( even if you didnt want to give him up). you had been traveling with din since tattooine. he trusted you to look after the child and be able to fight..... even if he didn't quite like it. but thats not the point. 

it was nearing the time of year at your home planet where Halloween is taking place, pumpkins being painted or cut into jack-o-lanterns to glow in the dark of night. children and adults dressing up as characters or just dressing up in general. a time of candy and fun. it was something you missed the most of your home. and looking at your small son you wanted him to partake in this tradition as well, for as long as you had him for. and you knew you had the perfect costume for the little one. you just had to convince your riduur to let you carve pumpkins and have them on the crest for a little bit.

as you walked up behind your riduur in the cockpit he turned around to look at you through his visor. you tilted your head and gave him a sweet smile that usually ended with you getting your way. “ My dear husband, I know you are not one to follow traditions outside of your own for holidays, ( excluding the times he's tried like for Christmas). But on my home planet around this time we have a day called Halloween. I wanna know if I can bring it on the crest?” You rested a hand on his pauldron.

he tilted his head more at to look at your face and tilt his head, even though you knew what he looked like he still found comfort in wearing his bucket so you never pressured him into removing it. He sighed “ and what are apart of these tradtions of yours” you squealed in excitement and rattled off the list of things you needed.

------------------------------------time skip---------------------------------------------------

Din walked down the ramp to go gather materials needed for the ship and for you to decorate the hull of the crest. He promised to get back in three hours, which left you and the child to your own devices for a while. you looked at the child “ my little trouble maker do you want to help me with something?” He’s at your leg try to crawl up your pant leg. “I’ll take that as a yes”

You grabbed the youngling and grabbed some of the scrap pieces Din kept around the ship for emergency repairs. “Time to get to work on this costume”

A few hours later din is walking back to the ship with some pumpkin-like plants and he sees you have placed your lights back up in the Hull of the ship but these ones are purple, where you keep them he doesn't know. but he knows he hears you in the sleep area and has missed you and the child.

"hold on little one, I know he is back but you need to wait. One last finishing touch and you can show your Buir your little costume."

a few babbles can be heard from the kid as he responds to you

but a few moments later you came out from the area shielding the child from his view, you can almost feel your husband raise his eyebrow under the helmet.

you just gave him a small smile and dramatically spread your arms comically wide and said

"may I present to you the best bounty hunter in this parsec" The room door slides open

din felt his heart fill with warmth at the sight of the kid dressed like him..

grogu waddled up to his father and raised his arms

"alright cryika what next?" both of your boys look at you

" time to eat candy, stay up wayyyyyy to late and watch holo vids"

"thats it?"

'normally we would go door to door for candy, but i dont think you would be down to do that"

"alright.... which candy first"

the rest of the night was spent watching holovids and eating too mant sweets and cookies

[shameboree]

ATTIC GOBLIN ?

YEAH SO when we moved in there was like this wadded up pair of pink panties in the basement that hadnt been there a few days before when we did our final walkthrough or whatever right. and then my fuzzy socks would go missing and some leggings and then our fucking FORKS which were DISCONTINUED so we cant even replace them!!!!! also the toilet paper would run out like super fast and i drink A Lot of diet dr pepper so i DO pee a lot but this was just fucken ridiculous!!!!! anyway so our one old roommate suggested ghost but me n polks were like fuck off this is OUR house!!

anyway so one day im slumped down on the couch w earbuds in having a good time and my friend kos comes downstairs to brew his sleepy ass some fresh shit tier coffee at like 5pm on a weekday. tbh i was talking about one of my homebrew blorbos being harassed and having just a great time with it so i didnt want to speak to anyone and just EXTREMELY avoided eye contact n sank as deep as i could into the bigass pillows of our honestly very nice goodwill upper middle class grandma couch. the point of that is when you walk downstairs and turn into the kitchen you cant really see me at this angle and i am DEAD SILENT bc my keyboard was apparently made of marshmallows or smth AND im metal gear box stealth mode trying to not be noticed here so i can talk about my barbies being menaced uninterrupted.

SO because of all that when kos came back downstairs for his coffee which had been brewing for probably not very long but i was in the Blorbo Zone where time is fake so i couldnt in good faith give an estimate he did NOT see me. well while hes in the kitchen puttering around i just start losing my shit on account of my blorbarbies in agonies brings me Such Joys and i think this startled him so bad he has to take a stress shower because i heard the bathroom door SLAM and the water start running. at some point after this polks comes home from work and starts pissed off nagging us over WHO MADE THIS COFFEE MESS IN MY KITCHEN!! kos comes downstairs for the Commotions and apparently the coffee pot was sitting on the counter with some fresh coffees while the rest of it fresh waterfalled all into our silverware and pots n pans spaces HOWEVER!! MYSTERY TIME!! he has not been downstairs since he started brewing his trash sludge.

INTERMISSION: THINGS TO NOTE ABOUT OUR HOUSE: the back door is literally INCHES from the downstairs bathroom. the attic is not a panel or ceiling access its just a door right by all our bedroom doors and it wont latch which was So Annoying bc the cats were UNREASONABLE THIRSTY to get up there so we had to install a loop n hook latch to keep it shut but whichever one of us did that goofed it up pretty bad bc the door is still perpetually cracked open like probably a full inch and a half. id love to take the credit for this but i think it was polks who is absolutely phenomenal at fucking up installations of things. OTHER NOTABLE THINGS ABOUT POLKS: her single biggest fear on this planet is shit like Crawlspace Man. just Some Guy living in your home without you knowing. also we have a dark little crawlspace down in the basement, for ambience

MOVING ON at this point i still dont give a shit about anything happening around me because i am inflicting sufferings upon my from scratch blorbo BUT my brain is putting the pieces together which i then immediately do a toddler vs 1000 piece puzzle it took you a year to assemble and just totally waste that shit from my thinkspace bc i wanna play DOLLS instead. polks and kos are also putting their little pieces together but they are Not braindead dipstick idiots like yours truly so they decide to check the whole haus bottom up, starting with the crawlspace. great news! the crawlspace is empty!! other older news: i def heard the cabinet ruining coffee fuckuper come down from upstairs.

i forgot to mention that for this househunt polks armed herself with our fucking broom and was wielding it handle side out because It Has Reach and a knife would Escalate The Situation. anyway they make their way upstairs and i am doing absolute jackshit nothing to help because, again, i am fucking brain poisoned to prioritize oc cummies over every single thing on this planet. its in my fucking genetic code. so while im fuckin useless theyre up there talking about how fucking weird this is and scuffling around or whatever but the second they go into the attic its dead silent and NOT because they go silent but because the attic is some fucked up sound void and past the first 3 steps you can hear total fuck all from outside. at this point my little toddler brain realizes this puzzle is actually indestructible so when kos and polkie are out of the void audible again i Already Knew i had to start being a fucking adult instead of playing barbies which DID feel like a personal affront.

tbh i dont even remember how polks reacted bc i was so CMON MAN!! at our attic dweller for cucking me bc now i gotta call the fuckin cops AND change the locks AND i still gotta get up at 420 in the mother blessed am for work, so basically this entire stunt was a hate crime against me specifically.

we dont really go in our attic much and never even bothered fetching the cats when they went up there but we HAD been up there before so when i went up there and saw fuckin blankets and takeout containers and also some clothes stuffed into drafty holes it was like, kind of Obvious that yeah some bitch was stealing my forks and not paying rent and eating all my toilet paper and FOR SOME REASON had the audacity to ALSO go ahead and pour out a cup of coffee in BROAD DAYLIGHT while we were OBVIOUSLY HOME. the fucking NERVE!!

so!! thats our Event that i honestly forget happened most of the time. we actually refer to them as Attic Dobby i think on account of my THIEVED socks but then of course attic dobby became sexy dobby as is the natural progression of things. we have many big tity dobbie drawings around the house and we love to show them to guests. i may have lost some forks i cant fucking replace so ill never have a matching set again BUT now my house has so many slutty big tit thong and louboutin adorned dobbys that kos and i have bonded so much over drawing that it all evens out in the end and i definitely dont get mad about the forks ever. less important than dobbys big naturals but still notable: exposure therapy works as polks no longer has the Crawlspace Man Terrors!

[lautakwah]

omg jing yuan !! as soon as i met him i knew he was gonna be a fav of mine, and his deal with the finches just sold it. i really love his cn va. he was also really fun to play as for that little stint he was part of your party, i got the awakened dan heng card Right before that final battle which felt perfect and now they have this guy and im like i NEED him his mechanic lags my entire laptop. the xianzhou luofu has been very fun to get to know so far, i do love what dan heng/dan feng and jing yuan have going on, and i guess blade is part of that? i love edgy characters but ironically he's felt like the most boring of the cast so far... but that means i still have two of the quintet yet to meet i think! i cannot guess who theyd be right now. the timelines theyre working with are so funny to me like i guess dan hengs supposed to be 700 years old but also still a teenager? being eternally 17 sounds like some horrific curse. which im still not entirely sure of what he did but that seems undeserved. speaking of which reincarnating (?) and then ending up befriending someone who looks more than passingly like your old life's old friend (the trailblazer and jing yuan's visual similarities are a coincidence im sure but its funny to me) is such a neat concept i hope they touch on. + SEELE AND BRONYA!! they were an amazing part of that storyline i want them on my team so bad. I just got the missions to go back and see whats up with them so i'll have to check it out... when i first continued the story to get to the xianzhou seele was visiting and i thought the game would make her disappear after the warp but she was still there... i was like we've taken this kid 500 million light years away from her home planet we've committed a crime here. ANYWAY this is a mile long i hope u have a good weekend nd get rest o7

yeaaahhh jing yuan's va is so good!! i love playing on cn tbh the other dubs dont hit the same idk... i dont have him tho (f) and both times his banner was on i didnt have enough jade to pull for him 😭 first time bc i spent everything on seele, second time bc of sparkle KHFDKJGFDG literally my roster is almost all the girls (not you topaz. and silver wolf was bc i lost 50/50 💀) and barely any guys (i have dhil and luocha and dr ratio bc he was free... all the others i skipped and im gonna skip aventurine as well LOL) can u tell im a lesbian :'))

and i thought dan heng was like in his early 20s??? but none of it rly gets explained so KFDJKDG we do know viyadhara when they reincarnate become children again and then age up before they go through the whole egg-reincarnating thing again. but like in his prev life he was several decades old and looked the same anyway, yet blade/yingxing at the time was like. an old man (the only "mortal" among them 😭). and then baiheng and jingliu were around the same age as jing yuan? wait actually jingliu is older since she's his master but yeah. it IS interesting to see how their dynamic has shifted tho but you'll see (if you havent gotten to that part yet in any case, i think if you finished the tingyun/emanator of destruction part you should've already known abt most of this due to companion quests!)

also YEAH KDFJHKJFDGD it's so funny that characters from different planets can visit the astral express even when they're not on/near their home planet like oh... i guess we kinda abducted you, lol. although, hey, look at it like this: you can show them entire fields of grass or something which they don't have on their home world...! (and obvi you can just take them back to their home world in a snap 😌)

also my weekend was great!! went to a film festival and talked to friends and had a good time overall fdkjghfkjdg idk if i already said this but saw zhu yilong on screen twice (!!) and also met the director of the movie he was in it was super fun <3 def needed that lol

[thegeminisage]

THE UNDISCOVERED COUNTRY breakdown

as always i am transcribing the little notes i took on my phone during the experience

the three things i knew about this film before i started were 1. valeris secret villain? some kind of mind-meld forced on spock? 2. worf's grandpa 3. kirk and bones sentenced to hard labor on planet hoth. other than that i went in blind

im glad they opened with CAPTAIN!!! sulu. i feel like he couldnt be there during filming but im so relieved he got parts anyway <3

also quite shocked to see janice rand?! god bless. she was like, i've undergone so much unbelievable bullshit. lemme get that star trek money. and then she did <3

the ship shaking in this movie was VERY realistic. the m,ost realistic yet. idk why they would have glass tecups in this situation though...maybe they just like to watch them break dramatically

uhura is still so beautiful in this movie. i don't know how she gets more beautiful in every star trek thing she appears in but she did it 6 times in a row. queen

first cry of the evening was when spock showed up but it was a SHORT cry because i had just cried about him in tng two days ago.

loved his little domestic spat with kirk at the beginning. the giant space between them. doing it in public. the absolute death glares. who's in the woodshed NOW (sorry for saying woodshed)

kirk being racist was an unexpected detail but i get it. you gotta have somebody being racist to nail home this story's message or whatever. i just figured it'd be bones. then again the klingons didn't kill his kid

that one bald klingon who kept eyefucking everybody he looked at. king. i know the phrase eyefucking is out of date because we overused it but there is simply no other way to describe it. he was there to leer at men suggestively and recite a batshit amount of shakespeare. and he did a great job

i had so much fun playing spot the tng set. they kept those rooms SO dark so we wouldn't recognize them but i did anyway.

the anti-gravity scene was SO so so so cool and good. like, the 90s cgi purple pepto bismol blood took me out of it a little but we have been saying every time something fucked up their little ship "how is the gravity still on rn." and the answer, always, is "it's on bc no-grav scenes cost money." FINALLY we got a no gravity scene. such a profound sense of both awe and closure

the violence was shockingly gorey too. like we had severed arms and real blood flying everywhere. idk that any of the trek i've watched so far has been quite that explicit

the scene where bones tries to save the klingon high chancellor. 10/10. bones the healer begging to be allowed to save lives. him jumping straight up onto that table and straddlign that man. him digging his hands into all that klingon blood. what a fine moment. it was a little homoerotic of that guy to grab kirk in the spiderman kiss pose as he was dying too

sarek cameo <3 it felt weird to see him alive right after he died

i did wonder why they didn't just have saavik in this film instead of valeris...i guess that saavik fans would have been mad if the send-off for the character was to make her a backstabber. but it would have felt more believable that spock be blind to her passions because she was also his protege. it also would've made the mind meld (WHICH. WOW. GETTING TO THAT) all the more tragic. valeris does a great spock eyebrow but she's not as compelling as saavik and she doesn't have the backstory so even if i hadn't had the spoilers i would have suspected her

things i didnt like: that one colonel guy saying terrorism and mr scott saying bitch. watch your mouth, gentleman.

the trial was fine (i still have trial fatigue) but i find it hard to believe klingons dont have tear ducts. what if they get something in their eyes? i loved seeing worf. i loved bones's little arthritis joke. frail little old waif of a man <3

kirk getting his ass handed to him over his personal logs is why you don't make personal logs. even funnier: their thing where they were like yeah but he has a record of [lists 1000000 crimes kirk has committed]. that was funny because it was true.

i love when they put dogs in costumes

bones collapsing in that blizzard was my ONE AND ONLY HOPE for this movie. i needed him to do it so bad so i could round out my collection and he did not let me down. true consistency. authenticity. king behavior. me when i go north fr

unexpected: both the cigar and the hot alien lady. i don't know what either of them were even doing there. she literally macked on kirk right in front of bones's salad. idk if we can count this as a close encounter though considering how short it was

i loved kirk's little fight where he nutshotted the alien. and their little prison outfits. and them snuggling up on bed together to stay warm <3 also bones being like and one day PFFFT kobayashi maru, that's it! quintessential bones behavior.

AMANDA GRAYSON RELATED TO SIR ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE??? cmon.

mixed feelings about the shapeshifter. double kirks was great (once again: william shatner plays a woman) and hilarious especially when they smooshed poor bones. double especially when she was like yeah well i bet you always wanted to kiss yourself anyway. that little girl giving kirk a saucy wink was maybe less fun. it would have been a close encounter if they'd fucked i guess

spirk talking in the hall and their faces were soooo close together

spock's forced mind meld: i thought this was something done TO him, not something HE DID. imagine my shock. there's a little mirror spock in him after all. it was absolutely fucking ruthless. i have a little pet theory that everyone in the mirrorverse is really the same - it's only their circumstances that turned them into monsters. it's not always viable and it's not always as fun as them just being evil and edgy, but this does lend it evidence <3

spock "i've been dead before" absolute king.

the conference at khitomer!!!! the foreshadowing.........

spirk's conversation in spock's quarters in the dark...mwah. "the night is young" "i find that remark insulting" "i need you" i wish they had talked about valeris but this was still really good. bones should have been there.

TORPEDO SURGERY! IT'S AN AOS REFERENCE! aos bones is a damsel because he couldn't operate on the torpedo.

loved kirk's GET DOWN MRS OBAMA moment and he got to have one twice in a row and then pull the mask off that guy like he was a scooby doo villain. incredible.

you've restored my father's faith / you've restored my son's...wah. i didn't really care about david but i'm glad he got closure about it or whatever.

then the klingon slow clapping. incredible.

spock cussing and saying go to hell <3

"soon the enterprise will have a new crew" yeah a worse one. i did like the switch from no man to no one though during that final monologue. just subtle enough <3

I DID CRY AGAIN AT THE END.....................it was a very sweet ending. second star to the right and straight on til morning. i'm glad sulu got to say goodbye even on webcam he was such a g this film. i'm gonna miss them SO MUCH.

i now know spock's ENTIRE LIFE STORY except whatever happens in snw that i dont care about <3 if i wasnt busy it would have huge fanfic potential. give me time i guess.

[sweetescapeartist]

What are you thoughts on GT Goku, GT Vegeta, GT Bulma, GT Krillin, GT Gohan and GT Chi-Chi?

GT Goku: Its dumb that he was wished into a becoming a child for most of the series. And what's dumber imo is that he even behaves like a child for most of it because the writers wanted to recapture Goku as a kid again. His personality as SSJ4 is cool & I think thats why ppl like SSJ4 so much. Its a huge physical and mental contrast to what we see GT Goku as most of the time. And that contrast makes people like it because it makes Goku an adult again who takes things more seriously but also is a bit careless as he shows off his strength. Ya know, like Goku was in DBZ. Its a return to what we wanted. (But those are just my thoughts.)

GT Vegeta: From what I can remember, I actually like him a lot. He feels like he progressed after the End of Z when he was more laid back. But I didn't like how much of a background character he was at first, then they rehashed Majin Vegeta with Baby Vegeta (rehashed Saiyan Saga Oozaru Vegeta a bit too). Then I think he just gets beat up by Hellfighter 17 after that. He wasn't really useful until the end and even then there wasn't much. I dont think the writers knew what to do with him since he was a calmer Vegeta. Also, how he gets SSJ4 doesn't bother me. He needed to be exposed to certain rays of light or energy, so Bulma created a means to expose him to that. The part I disliked was that he turned Golden Oozaru then pretended to be out of control & attack Goku. Why? Why play around at this point? And since he has always had control over his Oozaru form, why was he a Golden Oozaru for any amount of time longer than less than 10 seconds? He should've turned SSJ4 almost immediately. Another thing I didn't like was him crying about losing another home (this may be a English dub only thing). It makes sense for Vegeta to be upset about Earth being destroyed, but he didn't care for his home planet at all nor did he care about his own race. He wouldn't miss Planet Vegeta. And if he did care about that stuff, why didn't he talk to the growling Nappa that came back to life? He just kills him again. I don't think the writers knew what they wanted to do with him and kinda made a mess. A small mess, but still a mess. They didn't know if they wanted Vegeta to be stoic, caring, unfeeling, ect.

GT Bulma: I honestly don't recall much about her. She was okay from what I remember. Seems like she was relegated to a background character like others were. Being a background character works for some due to their personality, but it doesn't work for all. Like Tien. He works as a background character but he is more interesting as a foreground character. Same goes for Piccolo because both are stoic. But Bulma? She is Miss Personality. Not to mention she is a genius and could be involved in all of the adventures of GT. But they divided Bulma's characteristics into Pan, Trunks, Bra, & Marron then put Bulma in the background.

GT Krillin: Was used as a background character for most of GT, so his death wasn't impactful to me despite me being a Krillin fan. Plus the way his family treated him was terrible and out of character. They just killed Krillin for "nostalgia" reasons & it was sloppily done. His deaths mattered so much before in DB & DBZ because he was in the story and active and built relationships with other characters. GT didnt do any of that so his death felt cheap & forced. It was essentially turning Krillin into a random background character that is being shown for 2 minutes in about 5 episodes. The anime staff at that time weren't very good at character portrayal nor knew how to involve characters.

GT Gohan: He was okay but was also placed in the position of background character but not as much as Krillin was. He could have been used much more. Like him going with Goku on space adventures as they said he was going to do, and Gohan doing a little something against the Shadow Dragons (specifically Omega Shenron) would have been nice. Also, his relationship with Piccolo was kinda non existent unless you remember their friendship from DBZ. That could've been shown more during the Baby Saga.

GT Chi-Chi: I honestly don't remember much of her. But if my memory is right, she was shown more than Krillin. I remember she thought SSJ4 Goku was handsome. I think its more so because Goku was in an adult form again. Idk... Not much I have to say about her.

The problem with GT imo was that if you weren't named Goku or you weren't a Saiyan, then you got pushed to the background. The problem with Super imo was that if you weren't named Goku or Vegeta, you got pushed to the background but not as much as GT did to non-Saiyans.

One reason DBZ is still better than GT & DBS is that other characters did things. They were involved in the story in some sort of way. This is why I dislike GT & the DBS manga so much (DBS anime handles non-Saiyan characters better). GT & the DBS manga really push everyone to the side besides the Saiyans, but more specifically if they aren't Goku & Vegeta. Not to mention how OOC they make certain characters. But in the DBS manga's case, most characters are OOC (even Goku & Vegeta at many points).

[sophism84]

Okay so remember when Elon was going to make a deal w California to build a highway rail? Idk like this fast train thing. It’s been a long night just don’t have my brain. Anyway, he bailed and sold or gave it to China. Then I saw he gave a cyber truck to the Russian war guy. General? Idk. So I’m pretty sure Elon is in China, Russia, and possibly n koreas pockets. Or they are lining his. Because like how much cash does Elon have on hand? It was such an ordeal to buy twitter. Idk it’s insane, as an American on stolen land, I wouldn’t be so quick to sell out the country. But he also didn’t grow up here. This is not his home. I guess you can call him globally homeless because he’s the worlds richest man? Im not saying tell Elon to go live on mars. Im just saying idk if he calls anywhere home exactly, except Putins office, I jest. I don’t want nuclear war. I don’t want this imagined “global power win” for a dictator when the world dies in a dust cloud. It’s so silly we play cops and robbers when we should be playing, propaganda training, how to recognize and decode. Seeing where the money goes, putting for checks and regulations into the presidency so there is a fail safe!!!!!!!! No one person should be able to destroy the world! Thats some bullshit. Taxes, the stock market, completely made up thing!!!! That so much relies on! It literally make value out of nothing. It’s monopoly wealth. It’s like the credit score. Anyway probably should’ve studied very different things but again, I might be too educated to play along. But I feel the implications of Russia, China, North Korea, being able to buy our next dictator says we never valued anything anyway. I wanted to die on my terms. Call me a control freak. I’m not even going to dooms day prep, I’m see it coming if we can’t get out shit together By the 5th. So why fight it? I’ve been running after death for a long time, “it’s not your time” such a diva. Anyway does money run the world? This is the litmus test. Not to dumb it down.

Have you ever had dreams about the end of the world? And you can’t find your loved ones and you’re struggling to make things safe for everyone and the water is coming, the tsunami. Have you ever felt like since you’re first breath you just go around trying to save the world. Whatever your world was. It’s just crazy that people don’t realize

ON JAN 6 IF PENCE DIDNT GET OUT THEY WERE GOING TO KILL HIM. Everyone will be pardoned. P diddy, himself, trump, Rucker Carlson, Matt gatz. Who’s still serving while his cohort rots in jail.

A vote for trump is a vote for the purge mafia style but we will all die natural deaths our blood will splatter the walls of his office and he will say we should be cheaper to bury! I don’t wanna carry the weight of my children’s deaths. Because they die from a law made in place by a man who has probably had someone have an abortion before. I would be squished out of existence if they no longer walked this earth.

The paths diverge. Storms to the left, “unknown” very much known if you had sense to the right. Some people are storm chasers I get it.

I’m tired of fighting to survive. I’m gonna take the known unknown.

Anyway. Earth is the only planet like it in the universe!

WHY NOT FUCKING DESTROY IT! Sounds like a fucking human thing to do.

[npclibrarydump]

thinking about the scene in my head where the crew finally gets their shit together and meets up to plan for the session, like who still needs their planet quests done and who knows where their quest bed is. and discussing how exactly the battlefield is going to be restored, and how the genesis breeding is going. and then theyre wondering how exactly the "win" thing works. if their new universe is at the end...

alexi's pretty blunt "can we take finn with us?" because its not wrong to assume game 'constructs' wont be able to leave the medium.

everyone goes silent while finn sorta deflects and haws his way around a no. he didnt even see the ultimate reward in his own game, and he probably wouldnt have remembered anyway. "but please, dont worry about it. the most important thing is getting everyone to the end in one piece :)" and because hes sweet and atp more attatched to this group than his own co-players

"i really want you guys to win, more than anything" very sentimental and smiley. but piers isnt having any of that. "we. you are a part of this team now finn, if we win youre winning with us."

and more silence bc its awkward and tbh piers and kastri are the ones who know finn the best atp. finn is surprised and has to hide that... he doesnt really feel that way. but he thanks piers and asks frixaa to move on discussing the plans.

piers is more blunt and well, not grumpy but yk. for the rest of that meeting. and afterwards. everyone splits up to go questing and piers goes back home for more tedious insect science. and after floating around checking on the others for a bit, finn ends up on piers' planet like he usually does.

its hard to tell, but piers is upset with him. or something related to finn? he's a grumpy cynical person anyway, but piers when he's really upset is distant and cold, using work as a barrier to the world while he seethes quietly. finn tries to talk to him, just how they normally would, but piers is uhh. yea

neither of them are super 'beat around the bush' people, so finn just asks. "is it about the meeting?" and piers has to put his tools down. "i'm flattered you think of me as one of you all, really. but the reality is that,.. im not even supposed to be here. i'm only... not alive but resurrected, because of a whole lot of glitches that lined up to revive me."

"im not a player here. my planet isnt here, i dont have a spot on either of the moons, there sure isnt a quest bed out there for me. ive no reason to assume ill be able to enter the new universe with you, and i dont want to... pretend that its true."

piers: "you dont know! im not going to delude myself into thinking that either, but you just... dismiss that it could happen... and i dont care whatever the game thinks, youre- ugh" he doesnt usually get this emotional with arguments..

finn is still... listen. its a self worth thing, the only vital thing he did for his session was die. and so far, he hasnt done anything other than provide the information sprites are supposed to anyway. hes a useful messenger, and he's good at talking to people, but hes not a combatant or magic wielder or planner. he knows hes a coward.

"i just... dont want to get anyones hopes up. yours or mine." he says. "and if i cant leave with you, or something else happens- i dont want you all to hesitate in getting the reward you really deserve..."

piers stands up from his desk, "you deserve it too! and theres a difference between... between hoping itll turn out fine and being just... defeatist and cynical!"

finn half laughs. "hm, i thought you were supposed to be the cynical one." piers deflates, that feeling where you know you arent persuasive enough to convince someone to change their mind, especially about themselves.

[guardian-rocket]

Data Log entry 0001

It's been about a week since I escaped Halfworld. I found out that's what the rest of the universe calls the planet I thought someday would be my home. I think I'd rather call it that, since it's not what he called it. Trying to put my thoughts as far away from him as I can. Thinking about him makes me feel sick.

Sleeping alone has been extremely uncomfortable. I miss Floor, I miss all of them. I keep dreaming about everything that happened before I left. I been dreaming more than I ever had before. I wonder if escaping was even worth it. I left with nothing. Dreaming about them almost every time I shut my eyes, they're still alive in my subconscious like I just can't accept it but they keep dying too, almost every time I shut my eyes. I keep replaying those events in my dreams always with different endings, sometimes we get to the ship together and something always ends badly. There are times I die in those dreams too, sometimes I just get shot and wake up in a cold shock, covered in sweat. The thing I see in those dreams the most is Lylla. That look on Lylla's face, I can't get it out of my head.

Another stranger dream I had was one where I met myself, but when I was younger and didn't talk so good. I guess I must not feel like I'm that same person no more. The younger me was hiding on the ship, scared, he was scared of me. I realized what I've become would have scared me too, back then. It wasn't just that though, the younger me was looking worse than I ever had, skinnier, more disheveled, crying about being forgotten. I tried to offer him comfort and told him I'd take care of him and that no one would ever hurt him again. He wanted to know where his friends were. My heart just ached and I couldn't tell him. I woke up shortly after and as stupid as it sounds I looked around the ship calling his name just in case. It felt so real. I guess right now the loneliness is getting to me.

I am thinking about what I want to do next. I been watching people a lot when I'm not sleeping, trying to figure out how to blend in better. I started wearing clothes not just because of that but because I feel like it'd be hard to be taken seriously if I don't. I think that may be part of the reason I feel such a disconnect with my old self from my dream.

When I escaped, I was at least able to remove some of the exterior braces off myself. I wanted them off ages ago but was always afraid how they'd react if I tried. I was told if I removed them too early it'd cause me chronic pain if the bones didn't heal properly from the procedures. I think it's been long enough but if not, pain is of little concern to me. At least if I feel pain, I know I'm living and knowing that much well... Maybe I'm petty but I'd like to keep that going since it's not what he wanted. I think I want to be everything he didnt want.

[raventhekittycat]

current breakdown

He's really sweet and ive never been treated truly nicely casually. Just in the small things he does he's nice. Ive had the big gestures met and made but never the little things. And i really like it and its definitely part of whats fucking with my emotions

I want him to like be but i also dont want him to like me. More specifically i want him to like be because i want someone to love me but i dont want /him/ to like me because i dont want to hurt him and im definitely not right for him and i can tell we almost undoubtedly aren't compatible in the long run. But i still want /him/ to like me a little because ive come to like him.

Very similar to the i want to like him but dont problem. Cause i know it wont work we aren't right for each other but also ive come to like him.

And god i dont want to hurt him i really dont want to hurt him and if he comes to like me i will definitely hurt him. For one ive already slept with someone else and rho this is casual fwb he definitely seems like the type to be hurt by that if we were to get closer

i cant stop thinking about him and probably 80% or more isn't sexual

I cant stop thinking about the last week. Since he got back hes actually texting me to an extent and the second time we saw each other he actually walked part of the way home with me and gave me a hug and kiss before parting outside the train station from a guy who hates pda. I cant stop thinking about that kiss or Saturday night when i was an absolute snit and he still came to my place. And tho i cornered him into even after he found out he didn't want to have sex with me he held me and fell asleep holding me which he hadn't done before. I was using his chest as a pillow. Ive never been able to sleep cuddled like that with someone. Even after i rolled over to my other hip away from him he rolled with me and still put his arm over me. Ive never had anyone want to actually hold me. Hes just too nice

And the kicker that made me realize i really do care about him even if it isn't love its tipped past infatuation probably was friday night same night he kissed me. He found out i hadn't eaten (just hadn't? no real reason) and was determined to make me eat and was going to buy me food if he had too. Which if id been hungry i would have accepted but i wasn't so it became a bit of thing cause i was worried I'd only nibble what he bought cause i really wasn't hungry and i didnt want him to pay for a waste of food but beyond the point. He was the only one who went fuck you need to eat and forced me to do something about that then. Which initially my brain went holy shit he cares or and that or caught me because it was true. Cares or has long exposure to/dealt with people with autism/adhd (adhd in my case) and yea its the second. He used to work with autistic kids regularly so it wasn't me it was just instinct training kicking in. And that hurt.

So anyways im fucked. Ive really come to like him and i know its doomed and because i like him i dont want to hurt him and dont want him to like me but i also want him to like me because know one has ever treated me like this before and its all a mess. And to top it off we are so incompatible in so many fundamental ways that it's just.

Man i thought this was a way easier list/breakdown which is why i started it. Anyways that's my current psychoanalysis of the situation and there's still stuff I can't explain but that's what i can come up with

God i wish I know what i could call him to refer to him. I dont want to just keep calling him my friend or fwb but also it feels wrong to call it anything else and i know i shouldn't hope to push it beyond that for above reasons.

And to top it all off he's Australian the only country on the planet im too terrified to visit.

just once id like to realize i like someone and not have it make me cry

[oops-supercorptrash]

when kara gets back and lena quietly celebrates before slipping out the door when no ones looking. She books a flight—somewhere, anywhere, she doesnt really care. Just not here. It’s first class, of course, she may have lost access to l-corp’s private fleet but she didn’t lose her hatred of flying (unless its in kara’s arms).

The plan lands late in London. Lena stays overnight in a hotel overlooking the Thames and the London Eye, jet lag making her stay up all night sipping tea and watching the city lights flicker over the water and the dew slowly forming on the light posts and handrails. She tries not to think about what she left behind, about the lack of notifications on her phone. No one noticed she was gone, no one thought to check up on her. Without L-Corp, her phone was painfully devoid of emails, calls, and updates. She didnt miss the monotony of board rooms and kissing ass to men she didnt want or need, but to feel needed, to feel wanted was a longing that was so deeply rooted in her chest that it felt like she couldn’t breathe.

But it’s better this way. National City has its hero back. L-Corp is under the control of her demonic brother, but Lena doesn’t worry about him anymore. She knows Kara will protect the city and the world from whatever lex has planned. National City has nothing for her except a graveyard reminder of her sins. Sins she has to stop trying to atone for.

Maybe she’ll move to switzerland. It’s a nice, neutral country. No one will recognize her there. She can work at the large hadron collider or start her own tech company from scratch, just like she and jack had always planned. She could do real good get a fresh start away from her family. She had thought metropolis to national city was enough, but she was wrong. A luthor couldn’t share her home with a kryptonian after all.

at dawn lena falls asleep, tea mostly empty on the table beside her window seat. an immeasurable amount of time passes before a soft knock on the door wakes her. Half asleep, she uncurls herself from the ball she had rolled into to get comfortable in the too small chair. The knock comes again.

“god, im coming!” lena snaps at whoever has the audacity to wake her up at such an hour.

she half stomps to the door and flings it open. “i thought i told reception to—“

theres kara. at her door. at the door of her hotel room in london.

kara holds out a white cardboard box. “theyre fresh.”

lena stares at the box of what smells like scones like kara’s just handed her a bomb. kara herself looks like shes about to jump out of her own skin, fingers trembling as they grip the side of the box, hair in tangles like she didnt even bother to brush it when she changed out of the supersuit.

“you found me.” lena states.

“you left.” kara retorts.

lena takes the box of scones from kara’s still outstretched hands. “come in.” lena moves out of the doorway to allow kara to step inside. lena feels her own hands tremble; her body is alive with electricity, like just being around kara is making her synapses short circuit.

“why did you leave?” kara asks at the same time lena says “how did you find me?”

the both stop, each awkwardly gesturing the other to start talking. when they interrupt each other again, lena huffs a laugh and gestures for kara to finish.

“why did you leave?” kara asks, a sadness in her voice lena cant quite name.

“we both know i had to.” lena replies quietly.

“did someone say something?”

“dont patronize me by assuming that my actions depend on the opinions of other’s.” lena scoffs. “dont you see, kara? im not like you. im not like you or alex or brainy or nia. you all, you’re good. you make the right decisions. you save lives and dont hesitate to put others first. kara, i was ready to sacrifice national city—hell, the world— to get you back. If alex hadnt taken the tracking device from me...i dont think i would’ve made the decision to let you go.”

“lena.” kara stepped closer to her, taking one of lena’s hands gently in her own. “i know how it feels.”

“do you?”

“when we made that lead diffuser device to save the world from the daxamites. i made the choice to send mon-el away. i chose to poison the atmosphere and make this planet uninhabitable for him.”

“i dont understand. thats just you making the right choice again.”

kara chuckles softly, fidgeting with lena’s fingers as she stares down at their enjoined hands. “dont you remember? when edge put you on that plane with those chemicals to poison the water supply. i couldn’t let you go. i was fully prepared to let national city’s water be contaminated as the cost of saving you.”

“kara...” lena whispers, and kara looks up and meets her eyes.

“i need you to understand, lena.” kara cups lena’s jaw gently, so gently and pulls her in until their foreheads are touching. “if i was asked to sacrifice the world or you, i wouldnt choose to save the world. i would sacrifice anything, but not you. never you.”

lena feels a tear running down her cheek but makes no move to stop it.

“come back to national city.” kara pleads, voice barely above a whisper. “come back to me.”

lena reaches up and grips the hand that is still holding her cheek like a lifeline.

“always.”