#even if the dialogue is shit ill listen to it any day of the week if u have a nice voice

[fraternum-momentum]

also totally unrelated but i wanted to ramble sooo while i was drawing i watched the jerma vod for neon white and i say this with full shame that i would go on my knees for this fucking guy right here

[poormeowmeowcollector]

Trying To Balance With A Part Of Yourself Missing

Summary: Thor bargains with Odin on Loki's sentence, and he wins. Loki is moved with the Avengers to fix his past mistakes. But Odin's term changes everything, and Loki's foe is not their mistakes, but their self-image.

Warnings: each chapter has individual, the work in general is pretty dark

Notes: When a dialogue of Loki is in bold, he is speaking English. And when a line is in italics without a dialogue, it's an intrusive thought.

Chapter 5: The Doctor

Chapter summary: Banner takes Loki for the tests.

Warnings: Language, gender dysphoria, gender dysmorphia, internalized racism, intrusive thoughts, needles, blood, medical themes, mentions of child neglect [not on screen], mentions of self harm [not on screen]

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This time, Friday wakes them up, reminding them of the appointment with Banner. Loki groans and drags himself out of the bed and into the bathroom, it's better to get rid of that smell, at least for as long as it can hold.

At least Loki doesn't have to look at their body as they wash themselves, an advantage of blindness they didn't think of until now. Still, being forced to touch all the time is unpleasant and uncomfortable to no end. And trying to wash his hair without scratching his hands on the horns or his claws scratching his scalp is a task unimaginably difficult.

Loki now understands why Jötnar run around naked, wearing a shirt with these horns is almost impossible. But, they must hide the chest plate, at least from everyone but Thor. And Banner, after the examination. And, shit, he probably has to take breakfast with them…

They sigh and glance at the mirror, only to make sure they don't look so much for a mess. His appearance is acceptable, so he takes the now charged earpiece and walks away, wearing it as Friday starts instructing.

A hand touches their shoulder, making them flinch away. Thor, the owner of the hand, mutters something, probably an apology, but he can't hear it thanks to Friday. They take a breath out and smile at Thor, muttering a good morning. Thankfully, Friday stops talking.

"How are you feeling? You look…" Thor trails off, trying to appear as polite as possible.

"F-f-feverish? It's fi-fine, just-just a b-bad day," he brushes off, suddenly glad that he doesn't need Friday's translations.

"But, you're ill," Thor argues, making Loki sigh.

"I'm not-not, it's a bad d-day," they answer.

"Loki, you can't fool me. You're unwell, why don't you admit it?" he groans. Truth be told, Loki rarely admits any weakness with ease. As long as one can walk, there's no need for whining, Odin had said countless times and Loki never stopped obeying.

"I d-d-do. It's a b-bad da-day," he speaks slowly and as clearly as possible.

"Loki, you're having a fever. It's not just a bad day, and you are allowed to admit that you're ill. Please," Thor begs, actually begs. If Loki wasn't so pissed off, they'd be touched.

He pulls Thor closer, mostly to maintain some secrecy. "I am on m-m-my pe-pe-period," they hiss, watching as Thor's last brain cell comes to life.

"Oh… well, this explains the irritability of yours, brother. You know your patience always runs low these days," Thor nods, all matter-of-factly. Loki has to take deep breaths and remind themselves again and again that murder is a convicted crime, and they should not get locked up in a Midgardian prison. Or any prison, anytime soon.

Luckily, Thor remains silent after that. The only one who breaks the silence is Friday, reminding Loki that he can't eat before a blood test, or the results will not be accurate. Fine, they didn't really feel hungry anyway.

Perhaps, if you skip today's food entirely, you'll lose that disgusting bloating of yours. He tries hard to not grimace at the thought. No, they have to remind themselves, it will leave after a few days, it always does. Just do the damn tests and then eat, it's not that hard.

When they reach the kitchen, Loki can feel eyes on him and a mix of confusion and irritation in the air. Alright, just stay quiet and it will pass.

Wanda mutters a good morning, her magic swirling around her like some form of shield or blanket. Loki repeats the wish, forcing a smile. They don’t know which is worse, the jealousy building up or the guilt over the last time they listened to that feeling.

Thor helps him find a chair in the bright chaos, and even pulls it. For fucks sake, they're not unable to sit on a fucking chair! He tries to prove it by being the one who adjusts it on the table.

"Morning, dude. How're you feeling?" a man asks, Wilson. Just by his voice, he sounds kind, less judgemental.

"Fine, thank you for asking," they answer, plastering another fake smile (one of the best skills being a prince has given them).

Still, Wanda is seeing through it and attempts to find out, by using a simple mind invading spell. One that makes the base of Loki's skull feel ablaze. As loud as he can, he thinks of the word stop, making Wanda pause and retreat, her curiosity replaced with shame.

Then, a conversation occurs. Loki doesn't want to take part, but the combination of the voices and Friday's translations is overwhelming, making his head pound. Friday catches the message and stops translating, but the voices are still too fucking loud. Loki sighs and decides to just take a sip of water, and see if it'll help, but it turns to ice before it touches their lips. But fuck, he's thirsty and in pain.

A hand touches their shoulder, and they jump up, turning around to see a short person dressed in purple. "Are you ready for the tests?" He asks, Banner. Loki nods and gets up, pardoning himself before walking away.

"Are you okay?" he asks, making Loki groan.

"Wh-wh-wh-why does e-e-everyone ask me-me if I'm okay? I'm f-f-fine!" they snap, stopping only after feeling Banner freeze.

"I asked because you looked like you were about to start crying over there. No offence, they can be loud sometimes, but you didn't seem like you were taking it well," he answers, half expecting his skull to be crushed. But Loki is just ashamed he didn't hide the pain better.

"N-n-n-none t-taken. Noise is not exactly we-we-we-welcome, and I used to to-to-tone it down w-w-with spells. Now, I c-c-c-can't," they explain, just beginning to collect themselves.

"You know, you can ask Friday to deafen, if you use the earpieces. It helps," he suggests. Loki nods, happy with the silence that they fall into. At least Banner doesn't feel like he has to talk all the time, even though he's nervous. He's still afraid of him, even though it's not necessary any more.

The lab is a fucking bright room, Loki has to cover their eyes and let Banner navigate them, after lowering the lights.

During the examination, Loki comes to realize that Asgard and Midgard are opposite when it comes to healing. First, Banner promises secrecy, any information stays private until Loki asks for a leak, or in a life or death situation. And then, he just asks about everything and listens to the answer. No doubt, no comments and no painful examinations with leeches or smelly potions that make people’s skin pink. Well, the examination on light sensitivity was painful, and Loki swears to piss on the grave of whoever thought a flashlight in the eyes is a good idea, but the rest were fine.

When he was young, Odin would not easily believe Loki, no matter what. The times when they were forced in hunts that were leaving them in the healing wing for weeks or feasts until they faint on their plate due to fever are uncountable. The show would usually begin with Loki faking the illness because he’s lazy, come to its climax when Loki would be deemed delicate and weak while being tossed in the healing wing and the parade of hypocrisy would end after Loki returns to his chamber only to be forgotten there. Loki learned two lessons from this. One, if they can stand up, they're not ill, and they shouldn't bother other people with whining. And two, if he's truly ill, it's wiser to deal with it on his own than let others draw conclusions.

The change feels so odd, yet it’s so welcome.

Until the time for the blood test.

"Just follow my instructions, I'll make it as painless as I can," he promises, and then instructs Loki to lift their sleeve and show the armpit, the non-dominant one. Loki doesn't show his nervousness, and tries to appear as cold as possible when he reveals the hand, and everything he's done to it. Banner doesn't comment and doesn't show pity, but his skin grows just green enough for Loki's eyes to notice.

The other instructions were easy. Clench the fist, breathe in, breathe out and relax the hand. Banner is surprised to say the least when he sees the tube filling with blue liquid instead of red, but doesn't comment.

Do you think he could bleed you dry and be done with this shit show? Loki hitches a breath and clinches their stomach, stopping when the sound of something breaking and a hot pain blooms in their arm. Did he freeze the tube and break the needle?

Banner fetches something from a table and grabs Loki's hand, muttering something about getting the needle out. Loki hisses from the pain, and manages to freeze Banner's glove, but he still covers their hand with gauzes. The white starts turning blue and freezing in some parts, Banner is about to do something about it but Loki hums a no.

"Do you want to try again?" he asks, Loki could feel how he was expecting a negative answer. But he nods a yes and covers his right hand, so he’ll uncover the left one and clench. This time, they don't dare looking at the needle and mentally play some random songs for a distraction. Banner tells him to clench again, and then gives him some cotton to press in the hole before he vanishes behind some machine.

"What were you humming?" Banner asks, making Loki's face go ablaze.

"I… em… a song," they mutter, and mentally berate themselves for the lack of words. Banner laughs, but not out of malice. And he hands over a paper box and a bag. Loki stares at him and tilts his head, but Banner tries to brush it off as "something that's always done when someone gets a blood test". As if Loki is also a fool, apart from blind.

They're about to get dismissed and leave when Friday tell them via the earpiece that Banner will ask questions when he sees the test results. Loki sighs, it's better to be the one who tells him, right?

"Ba-banner, about th-th-the te-te-te-test, y-you may so-see some… abnormalities in th-th-the tests. It's n-normal, yet-yet-yet uncomfortable," they trail off, feeling confusion on Banner's side instead of clarity.

"Would you mind being more specific? I need to know what to ignore,"

"Hormonal, m-mostly… on, em…" he groans in frustration, feeling like an absolute fool, "on me-me-menstruation hormones… and y-y-yes, I kn-know wh-what it implies. B-but, d-don't tell anyone, only Th-th-th-thor knows," they get it out, waiting for a myriad of feeling emit from Banner. But he just makes a small oh sound and hands over another paper package.

"I guess you'll find them easier than tampons. If you finish them, just come to me. Don't try to steal Nat's, you'll be disappointed, and possibly earn a chinned tooth," he smiles, but Loki can sense the warmth from saying Romanov's name. Love, he concludes, what a complication when towards your co-worker, from what he's heard.

"W-w-w-we're done?" they raise an eyebrow and look down at Banner, glad he doesn't look afraid. Interesting, just enough inspection, and he isn't afraid any more. What a gullible scientist.

"Friday will find anything we missed, and she can help Tony make you some glasses, if you decide you want them, or inspect the brain damage from the other guy," he answers. Loki nods and is about to turn around, before thinking twice about the answer he got.

"W-w-wait, wh-wh-wh-what brain d-damage?" they blink. Apart from the nightmares, thoughts, flashbacks, headaches and general fuckery, his brain works perfectly. Well, perfectly might be an exaggeration, but the Hulk hasn’t done anything.

"You're telling me you walked around with a dead ear since the Attack and didn't notice?" Banner is now the one to raise an eyebrow.

"I w-w-was in so-so-solitary c-c-confinement until y-y-yesterday. Not much to h-h-h-hear," they explain. But… he should have heard Thor coming today in the corridor…

"Yeah, your left ear is dead, or the nerves getting messages from there to your brain. You can thank the other guy, and there's nothing to be done," he isn't exactly mild on announcing another damage on this throughout fucked up body, but it doesn't exactly matter. So, they just nod and go back to hiding under their sheets, but this time they make Friday play some music, just to cover up the silence.

~~~~~~

Taglist: @lucywrites02 @electroma89 @the-emo-asgardian @rorybutnotgilmore @hybrid-in-progress @weirdfangirl2416 @darkacademicfrom2021 @nicoistrying

[glitxhwayventeen]

Lonely Hearts Club

Seokmin: Chapter 3 (I Wanna Know)

Characters: Seokmin x female reader

Genre/Warnings: multi-member au (different scenarios), werewolf au, fantasy, angst, fluff, genocide mentions, runaways, mental illness (depression implied), sexual mentions, crying, mentions of death, mentions of violence. Any others will be put as warnings when future chapters are thought up/written.

Author’s Note: Your girl is in some serious fucking pain but she managed to get another chapter out because she couldn’t sleep! So low and behold, I give you a decent chapter for DK

Please remember that all of these chapters and the content within them are a work of fiction! They’re just for fun/entertainment!

Bold= Dialogue Italics= Thoughts

🥀 & ☁️

Lonely Hearts Club Master List

Chapter 3: I Wanna Know

You were in heat for a few more days. Seokmin stayed with you the whole time and took care of… your every need. Though he looked worn out, he didn’t complain once. He liked that you let him help you. And he was hoping now that your heat was over, you’d let him in a bit more.

Your legs felt like jello, your hair looked like a birds nest, your skin was covered in variously healed bruises. You were a mess. But it was still time to go back to the pack. You made a promise and you always followed through with your promises, even if you were in a horny induced daze when you made it. You were just hoping they wouldn’t know, or at least, wouldn’t make a big deal out of what had happened.

Seokmin helped get you back to your feet and get dressed, putting your arms through your tank top and putting you in your shorts one leg at a time. He had already managed to get himself together as he had woken up earlier than you had. He figured you’d be in worse shape than him after everything… everything you’d been through and he wanted to be sure you were as okay as possible before you started your journey back home.

“There we go, all done!” He chirped after finally buttoning the last button on your jean shorts.

He took a step back to look at you. Aside from the bruises, you physically looked pretty normal now that he had helped you tame your ridiculously tangled hair. But he knew the pack was gonna smell you. You smelled like him from the week of animalistic sex sessions you two had been having due to your heat. It was unavoidable. He knew they’d all know you two slept together the second you walked through the door. He just wasn’t sure how you’d react to their inevitable and unavoidable teasing.

You quickly looked down after you had seen your reflection in one of your buckets of water, “I look like a walking disaster.” You muttered.

“It’s not THAT bad…,” He failed miserably at reassuring you, “But it doesn’t matter anyways, we’re mates. It doesn’t matter if we slept together or not. We would have eventually anyways” Seokmin tried to reason, bringing himself to walk up to you and hold your small hands in his large ones hesitantly.

“They’re all gonna make fun of me.” You pouted at him, looking down at your feet and smiling a bit in embarrassment.

You had never really taken the time to look at him before your whole mating fiasco happened. You had done literally everything in your power to avoid him at all costs so you wouldn’t catch feelings for him. But now that you had spent a good portion of time alone with him, you realized just how much bigger than you Seokmin was. He always seemed so… subservient around the pack that you never really gave his physical appearance much thought when it came to size. He must’ve been almost a foot taller than you, and now that you had seen him shirtless and naked, you also knew just how much muscle he actually had. He was MUCH larger than you had thought. Even his feet looked like they could crush yours with one fast stomp.

He held back a giggle at your cuteness before he spoke up, “They won’t make fun of yoooou. Especially because you could EASILY beat most of them to a bloody pulp with your special wolfie powers and all.”

“Aya! They’re not special ‘wolfie powers.’ They’re just my normal powers. And it’s not my fault you guys are more diluted forms than me.” You chuckled, playfully smacking his toned chest with your hand.

He cocked his head to the side at your statement, “Is that how it works? The longer the line the less of a wolf you are?” He asked curiously while bringing the back of your hand up to his lips and giving it a chaste kiss.

You almost laughed out loud at his question before you remembered that he didn’t grow up with other werewolves. He was a bitten wolf, not genetically a wolf. You remembered that Seungcheol had told you that no one in his family had ever been a wolf before him. He probably had no clue how it all worked, especially since his pack wasn’t always the best help when it came to educating each other on important matters. You felt a little guilty for thinking he was just being sort of dumb. It wasn’t his fault he didn’t know anything about it. So you held back your little outburst and nodded instead.

“Yeah basically. I mean, most genetic lines now can still obviously transform, but they’re still not…” You tapped your chin with your index finger for a moment while thinking of the correct words to explain what you meant, “As much of a wolf as me.” You decided.

Your mate was watching you intensely, listening to every word you said closely, as if he was learning the most important information he’d ever need to know,“I’m honestly probably more wolf than I am human. But most modern day wolves are more human than wolf, that’s why it’s relatively easy for them to assimilate into human societies and blend in.” You informed him, the both of you gathering the rest of your things and making your way out the cave to the path leading back to the forest.

“But hiding our eyes isn’t always easy!” He interjected with enthusiasm you found oddly cute, “If we get too emotional, the potions disintegrate and our real eye color shows. So it’s not really SUPER simple with us.” Seokmin responded, grabbing your hand closest to him and interlocking your fingers.

For a moment, you wanted to pull away from him and push him for initiating the sudden contact. But you also promised him that you’d give him a chance and that you’d try to be the best mate to him that you could be. Plus, the warmth of his hand felt… kind of nice on yours. So you kept your hands together, giving his fingers an involuntary squeeze that made Seokmin’s face light up.

“I suppose you’re right. But really, as long as a wolf can keep their shit together, they can seem very human. When my people were still around, we were very obviously NOT human. We couldn’t be even if we had tried.” You casually let out, skipping over a large rock in your way.

“What were your people like?” He questioned, genuinely wanting to know what your life was like before you lost everything. His pack had tried to ask you before, but you’d always clam up and make up some excuse to leave the conversations. He was hoping with it just being the two of you, you might actually be okay with sharing some more personal information with him.

You waited a moment before you spoke up. What WERE your people like? It had been so long that you hardly even remembered anythings about them. You usually tried to push away all the thoughts of them because remembering all you lost hurt too much. But when he asked you the question, it was like everything came rushing back to you all at once.

Your family, your tribe, your traditions. You remembered how the tribal elders used to let you sit in on council meetings because your father insisted you needed to know everything there was to know about running the tribe. It made you feel so important when he did that, like you were his pride and joy. You thought about all the times you had sat next to your mom as she cooked up potions and remedies in her old stone cauldron for the healer to use on the sick and injured. She always cared so much about everything and everyone around her, you always loved to help her help people. And you could all but see your 11 big goofball brothers running up to you holding their latest hunting prizes with the most giant toothy grins they could muster. Those dumbasses, they always made the most of life. You missed them so fucking much.

Everything started swirling around your head and it made a huge smile appear on your face with watery eyes at the thought of your early life. Seokmin took notice and felt a bit proud of himself that he had made you that happy, you had never beamed a smile that big before in front of him or his pack.

“My people… they were… they were just-” You paused, “They were just the most amazing family a person could ever ask for.” You started, wiping away a sudden tear that had fallen down the side of your face from the memory of them, hopefully before your mate could notice. Of course, he still saw, but he said nothing because he knew it would upset you.

“They were always just sooooo happy. I remember every night was basically like a huge party. We’d all dance and sing around the campfire, there’d be elders telling stories and offering the young words of wisdom while the parents would scold us for interrupting anytime anything got cool or surprising.” You sadly laughed, “We were all just… one big happy family. Even if I wasn’t actually related to all of them. I can’t really explain the connection I felt to them… it was just as strong as the one I had to my biological family.” You sighed, finally reaching the edge of the forest and finding the proper trail for the both of you to set towards home.

He could hear the pain in your voice as you spoke of your past life. You must’ve really missed them. But there were so many questions he still had. What about your actual family? Did you have brothers or sisters? What kind of life did you have? How did you sleep or eat? Where did you come from? But he knew he shouldn’t ask so many at once, he didn’t want to overwhelm you or hound you with his thoughts all at once. So instead, he asked just one question he knew he should probably know the answer to: “What- What happened to them?”

His words made you halt your movements for a second. Remembering that day wasn’t something you liked to do. In fact, you went to great lengths to avoid the memory. It haunted everything you did. Every minute of everyday was plagued with the thought of their demise. You had nightmares every night. You saw their hallowed faces in every person you met. You smelt ash and burnt flesh more than you smelt anything else. Their screams were still stuck to your mind like gum on the bottom of a shoe. It tore you apart to think of it. But still, you knew he deserved to know. You’d want to know if you were him.

“They were… they were massacred.” You sadly shrugged, biting your lip to keep yourself from letting sobs out. He stroked your hand in his in an effort to soothe your sad soul. You took comfort in his small affectionate touch, it grounded you and pulled your tortured mind back down to the conversation you were having.

You took in a deep breath, “It was just any other day, at least, to me it was,” you gulped before you continued, “I was helping my mom with some new herbal remedies for some of our sick warriors when suddenly we heard this loud BANG. My mom wasn’t a wolf, in fact, back then no female was. Well, no female but me that is, but that’s beside the point,” you shook your head and tried to get yourself back on the topic at hand.

“I could feel the vibration under my feet. It was a cannon, but we didn’t know that then. They weren’t really used in our part of the world, they’d freeze in the cold weather and couldn’t always light at the altitude that my village was set on. But somehow, the Cossacks found a way to make them work… they always found a way…” you stated flatly, looking up to the sky out of respect for your fallen family.

“They were upset that my pack had killed some of their soldiers that had hurt a group of women in a neighboring tribe. So they punished us the only way they knew how: by brutally murdering everyone and setting everything they could on fire. Fire’s one of the few ways Icyan wolves can actually be killed. They killed almost everybody. As far as I know, Cyrus and me were the only ones who got out.” You swallowed back the lump stuck in your throat as you and Seokmin continued onward to your destination.

Now this question really worried him, he wasn’t sure if he even wanted answers to it. But he, again, wanted to know more about you and how you got to him. He’d figure it out eventually, might as well try to get it out of you today while he had you going already.

“Can you- can you tell me a bit about him…?” He almost whispered, afraid to say it any louder as he didn’t want to upset you.

“W-What?” You asked for clarification.

“I- I Wanna Know more about… him… Can you tell me about him?” Seokmin stuttered out. He was still unsure if he should’ve said it to begin with, but he couldn’t help it. He had to know more about the man who had you crying constantly over him.

You turned your head to look at him, “About who? Cyrus?” A bit of fear crossed your face as you attempted to confirm what he asked.

“Y-Yeah. He was your mate. And Jun kind of explained what you told him had happened to him the other day, but I don’t know much about him. Like how you two got out. Or why he died…” He looked you in the eyes and say that tears and immense sadness had began to pool in them, “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to! I just figured… that it would be better to get it out in the open now…” Seokmin bit his lip as he waited for your reaction/response.

“Cyrus was… Cyrus. He is- was… my best friend.” You sighed defeatedly out loud before you continued, “He always took care of me. He imprinted on me right after I was born, so he was always there for me.” You started, still trying to find the right words to emphasize what he meant to you. But it was hard, you weren’t very touchy feely like Seokmin was. Feelings were all new to you, so you weren’t sure how to share them aloud.

You didn’t want to upset Seokmin by speaking too fondly about your past mate, but you also couldn’t help the pang in your heart you felt Everytime you heard Cyrus’s name. Part of you wanted to never speak of him again, another part of you wanted to never shut up about him. Your mind was full of conflict but your heart was full of sorrow. How could you possibly ever forget Cyrus enough to have a new mate? How could you ever emphasize how important he was to you when Seokmin, your current lover, was holding your hand? How were you supposed to pick and choose such things when your heart was pleading for a break?

“Wait- he imprinted on you right when you were born? I didn’t know that was possible…” he lost steam towards the end of his sentence and started to mumble while rubbing the back of his neck with his free hand.

“Oh no! It wasn’t like that!” You stopped him before he could get any further, “See, Icyan wolves start to shift really soon after birth, like only a month or two after. So it basically means that we’re able to phase our entire life. Cyrus was only five years older than me. He acted like an older brother to me until I hit 16 ish. But that’s when it all went wrong…” You held back a whimper that was threatening to spill past your lips.

“But the day everyone was killed, my dad and the other wolves came to defend out den. I was hiding in the hut while my mom was trying to do a protection spell. But they had killed most of our warriors already when they tried to save their families. We’re very protective of the ones we love” you sniffled slightly, still trying to hold your emotions back but obviously failing miserably.

“Cyrus came to find me after his family was killed. It was his instinct to protect me first, even though he loved his parents, they had each other still. And I was his mate, that’s how we work, mates and children before anyone else. He came into our home and tried to comfort me. We all thought we were gonna die. They had already killed my brothers by the river bank, it broke my parents. They saw red. But they knew I was still alive. So, before the Russians stormed our hut, my dad told Cyrus to take me and run as far as possible for as long as possible, so he did. After that, we were alone, but we had each other. It was like that for a few years. But then… I turned 16 and everything went to hell.” Your lip trembled and quivered with guilt.

Your current mate whined at your sadness, he wanted to help you, but he knew there was nothing he could say or do to make you feel better. So he just kept rubbing the back of your petite hand and giving you his full undivided attention. You had heard his whine, but you knew it was just because you were upset, so you gave him a small depressed smile before you kept speaking.

“Well you know that he- well that he’s obviously dead. Otherwise we couldn’t have imprinted on each other. But I’m sure you want to know… why he died” you mustered up all the courage you could before finally explaining it all to him, “He saved me. I fucked up. I was spotted by some towns people and he took the fall so they wouldn’t take me instead. Our wolf forms were similar. All Icyan wolves are white, we can just have different patterns to us. The villager that spotted me didn’t see the black spot on my head, he just saw a huge white wolf. They followed me back to our den and they were met with him. He refused to let me go. He was a telepath and he was an alpha. He ordered me to hide and he told me he loved me before he gave himself up to the angry mob.” You stopped walking and let the tears brimming your eyes freely fall.

Seokmin stood in front of you playing with your hair sweetly, trying to give you something to ground yourself and distract you from your heartache. It killed him to see you that way.

“I couldn’t- I couldn’t refuse his order. He was- he was my alpha. So I had to stay and watch them take him back to their town. I left after that to try and find him, he never told me that I couldn’t. But by the time I got there- they- they-” you sobbed out while bringing your shakey hands to your face, “They had already started torturing him. There had been reports of two huge wolves in the area and they thought he would lead them to me if they hurt him enough. But he never did.” Seokmin pulled you into his chest as you cried, barely able to breathe as you convulsed into loud whimpers and wails.

“I- I felt everything. Every cut they made, every punch, every hit. Because I’m of my shaman bloodline, I felt everything he felt, I- I’m an empath. He figured out I was in the crowd and just kept telling me that he loved me telepathically. That it wasn’t my fault. But- But how could it not be- be my fault?” You stuttered as you gripped onto Seokmin’s shirt for dear life, “I got him killed!” You all but screamed, crying into your mate’s chest so hard he was worried you’d pass out.

Seokmin just let you cry. He couldn’t imagine the guilt and pain you must have been feeling. He just held you and shushed you and told you that everything would be okay. But how could you be okay? You lost everyone in the most awful ways possible. No wonder you didn’t want him around before. If he were you, he wouldn’t either. He wouldn’t have wanted to risk losing MORE people.

He knew you thought it was your fault, but it wasn’t. If the roles were reversed, he knew you would’ve done the same thing as Cyrus. Just like he always knew that if push came to shove, he’d do the same exact thing your past mate had done to save you. You were his whole world, he’d never let anything or anybody hurt you if he could help it. He’d defend you with his very last breath if it meant you got even a second longer to live.

-

After a while, your breathing evened out and your sobs became just tears. Seokmin pulled you back up from his torso to look you in the glistening eyes. He quickly wiped away any water that had streamed down your face in the process. He really wanted to just kiss all your tears away, but now wasn’t the time for that.

“I’m so sorry (Y/N). I wish I could take away your pain. But I can’t. The best I can do is promise you that I’ll always be here for you.” He assured you, tucking a strand of your hair behind your ears.

“Even if I start crying over my dead mate?” You tried to sound sarcastic, but you honestly felt too weak to. It probably came out as more of a whine to him.

“Even if you start crying over him. Or if you miss him. Or even if you just want to talk about him. Or any of them. It’s okay. I understand and I’m here for you, no matter what.” He pecked your nose softly and gave you the most loving eyes you had ever seen.

You couldn’t help but pull him into a sweet, thankful kiss, attempting to show him how grateful you were for him with your actions rather than your words that always seemed to fail you. Once you pulled back, you realized just how tired you were. Seokmin seemed to pick up on it to because, suddenly, you were in his arms being carried through the woods bridal style. You gave him a look of uncertainty, he just nodded at you and gave you a loving smile, signaling that he would be okay to walk back the rest of the way to the house with you in his arms.

You wanted to protest it all for his sake, but your eyelids felt too heavy. So instead, you just snuggled your now swollen face into his chest and let the darkness take over, feeling safe in his arms and knowing he would never let anything bad happen to you. For the first time in a long time, you felt like maybe everything would be okay.

(Updated 9/17)

[ahgaseda]

two can keep a secret || chapter 07

⇥ synopsis : when your father reveals his intention to remarry, you find an unlikely confidant in Mark, your soon-to-be stepbrother, but what began as a revenge fling ironically becomes far more complicated...

⇥ warnings : this story in its entirety includes but is not limited to strong language and dialogue, recurring alcohol and drug use, and explicit sexual content, and is intended for an adult audience only!

Only the sound of forks and knives clinking against dishes filled the dining room. Your parents always insisted on at least one family dinner per week. It had been less than a day since your fight with Mark and now you were forced to sit across from him until everyone had cleared their plates.

Mark ate like a man starved, uncaring as he stuffed his face. Your father was no different. The men said nothing whilst they filled their stomachs. Meanwhile, you poked at your steak and Mark’s mother kept looking around the table.

“Did the two of you have a fight?” she asked suddenly.

You glanced up, like a deer in headlights. Mark didn’t slow down. He swallowed what was in his mouth and simply shook his head, as if anything between you and him was inconsequential.

His mother turned her gaze to you, expectant.

“I’m sorry. I just… don’t feel very well,” you told her, offering a placating smile. It wasn’t a lie. Your stomach was in knots almost constantly since you saw those positive pregnancy tests.

“You do look pale, honey,” she crooned.

You swallowed nervously. Did you?

Mark looked up at that, giving you a scrutinizing glance. His first instinct was to worry. Had the fight and pregnancy scare stressed you to the point of illness? Before he could say something potentially damning, your father spoke up, “My daughter never complains of being sick.”

You could hear the concern in his voice.

“Don’t force yourself to eat if you feel unwell,” he continued. “You can be excused and go lie down if you need to.”

“Thank you,” you said softly, tears gathering in your eyes. You desperately wanted to get away from Mark. Rising from the table, you grabbed your plate and pushed your chair back into place. After discarding the uneaten food in the kitchen, you placed a kiss on your father’s cheek.

Then, you bolted. Locking the bedroom door behind you, you hid yourself beneath your blankets, crying until you nearly fell asleep. How were you going to tell your father that you were pregnant?

Mark set down his fork and leaned back against his chair. Was being in the same room with him that torturous for you? Because it damn sure was for him, but at least he managed to endure it.

He missed the feel of your skin and his fingers in your soft hair. The way you laughed when he tickled you or showed you something funny on his phone. How you snuggled up to him when you were sleepy and tangled your legs through his when you were cold. And the handful of times you had spoken his name in your sleep, letting him know he was on your mind even in your dreams.

Mark sharply cleared his throat and decided he needed to bury himself balls deep in another cunt until he forgot about you.

Jackson was reliable for two things: hyping up his friends when they felt like dying and organizing booze-filled parties on extremely short notice. Mark was in need of both, though he favored the latter.

When you stepped out of your bedroom, Mark was doing the same across the hall. Another downside you had forgotten about; your rooms faced each other.

You stopped in your tracks, still clutching the doorknob. Mark finished pulling on his leather jacket and met your eyes.

“Jacks is having a party,” Mark said, emotionless.

That stung. Jackson always texted you an invite to his parties. If he hadn’t, that meant Mark told him not to, which meant Mark didn’t want you to know how fucked up he was going to get.

Or that he was going to fuck around with other girls.

Flashing a brief, awkward smile, you told him, “Have fun.” Then, you brushed by him before any more words could pass between you.

Mark stood there, watching you go and battling with himself. Guilt manifested first, but he shook his head, hoping to shake the feeling away.

You hopped in the car and drove off into the night. You wanted to stay at your best friend’s place for as long as you could get away with. You didn’t want to be in the same house as Mark for a while. The secret was smothering you. Only you knew about the baby in your womb. Every time you laid eyes on Mark, you remembered you were carrying a piece of him inside you. And he had no idea.

Mark preferred drowning in alcohol than in his sorrows. Even as he chased another shot, throwing it back with a grimace, he thought about you. He couldn’t shake the image of you in his head, naked in his arms as you lulled him to sleep.

And now he couldn’t have you. He fucked it up.

You had given him a peace Mark didn’t think he was capable of anymore and it was gone as quickly as it had come. Gripping another shot tightly in his hand, Mark stared off into the distance as a realization sank in.

Jackson appeared at this side, clapping a hand on Mark’s shoulder. “How goes it, brother?”

“I’m in love with her,” Mark whispered.

Jackson froze. He knew exactly who his best friend was talking about. Rubbing his chin, Jackson glanced around to make sure no one was listening in and whispered, “I didn’t invite her. Like you wanted.”

“Good,” Mark said, downing another shot.

“Mark, do you need to talk about…,” Jackson started.

Mark rose from his seat and growled, “Where’s Leah? I know she’s around here somewhere.”

“Yeah…,” Jackson trailed, voice sympathetic. Leah was known for being easy. She was also known for having her eyes on Mark since the first time she saw him.

Mark spotted her in the crowd and headed toward her without another word. He approached her while she danced, wrapped an arm around her waist, and whispered in her ear, “Still want me to fuck your brains out?”

Leah couldn’t drag him upstairs fast enough.

Mark kissed her hard and rough, but she wasn’t you. Her hands felt like ice against his warm skin. Her legs were stiff around his waist. Mark could only picture you beneath him.

Leah, on the other hand, was ready to devour him. She stripped down to her bra under him and unbuckled his pants, reaching for his cock and letting out a moan. She gripped his half-hard shaft and nipped at his neck.

Then, Mark did the unthinkable.

He whispered your name.

Leah grabbed his face, pushing him back and scowling at him with wide, shocked eyes. “What did you just say?”

Mark blinked through his tequila-induced daze. “What?”

“Oh my god, you said her name,” she exclaimed in horror and quickly rising jealousy. “Your fucking stepsister!”

“No, I didn’t,” he stammered.

“I heard it, Mark. Holy shit. Are you screwing her?”

“What? No!”

Leah scrambled out of the bed, snatching her shirt and tugging it back on like she had finally discovered shame. “That’s disgusting.”

Rage and hurt boiled inside Mark until it spilled over and promptly exploded. Angrily, he shouted, “She’s not my stepsister!”

Leah blinked, a twisted smile pulling at her lips. Rather than deny, he justified it. “Oh, you are so fucked.”

Mark understood by the look on her face that life as he knew it was officially over. “You have no idea…,” he huffed in defeat.

You were a mixture of relieved and devastated that you didn’t see Mark at classes the next day. There were a few times your schedules overlapped and you would pass each other in the hall. He must have gotten drunk enough to warrant a hangover from hell.

But Leah made sure to shoulder check you as the two of you crossed paths.

“What the hell…?” you snapped, ready to slug her for staggering you backwards.

“Slut,” she snarled back, shoving past you to continue on her way.

You stood there shell-shocked. Leah never went toe-to-toe with you and you were tempted to pound her into the concrete as you protectively put a hand over your lower stomach.

Fortunately, your best friend appeared and looped her arm through yours, whispering, “Honey, haven’t you heard the latest gossip?”

You rolled your eyes. Never did you give a shit about gossip. “You know I have zero social media presence.”

She pulled you behind a corner and spoke in hushed tones, “It’s about you!”

“Me? What did I do?”

She bit her lip and told you, “Mark was in bed with Leah at Jackson’s party last night.”

Your heart sank somewhere below your chest, into some bottomless pit never to crawl back out again. “Oh.”

“And he said your name!”

The world came to a grinding halt around you.

Mark said your name while he was in bed with another woman. For all you knew he was finishing inside her and he literally called out your name.

You would think about the implications of that later, but for now, your focus was on the fact that it was becoming common knowledge on campus. Which meant word was spreading like wildfire.

“Oh god,” your friend murmured, saying your name in disbelief.

Your brow furrowed. “What?”

“I see your face. It’s true. You’re sleeping with him, aren’t you?”

There was a pause while you swallowed the lump in your throat. Eventually, you muttered, “It’s complicated.”

She tilted her head and tried to be gentle. “Sweetie, I know he’s technically not your stepbrother yet, but your parents are getting married. It’s happening.”

You seethed, “I’m well aware of that.”

Your best friend hesitated, watching you carefully and noting the emotions gathering on your face. “How long has it been going on?”

You didn’t hesitate to answer, “Since they got engaged.”

She gaped. “For Christ’s sake.”

“He made it better, okay? We feel the same way about them getting married and it just… we were gonna get into self-destructive behaviors anyway. Turns out fucking each other was the most convenient.”

It was hard to tell who you were trying to convince.

She simpered, but certainly didn’t condone it. “You’re in love with him.”

You wanted to scowl. “Am I?”

“When I said he was in bed with Leah, you were devastated.”

You shook your head and shrugged. “I just felt betrayed, that’s all.”

She placed a tender hand on your arm. “They didn’t screw. Apparently they were about to and he dropped your name. She hauled ass out of there.”

That surprised you.

You held up your phone, expecting a text or missed call from Mark and finding nothing. “I need to go,” you told your friend, bidding her goodbye and heading for your car before she could grill you for more juicy gossip.

Hopping behind the wheel, your phone rang and you immediately answered, “Hello?”

“Hi, we got your message about seeing Dr. James. You’re not due for your well woman’s exam just yet, so I was calling to see what kind of appointment you needed.”

It was your doctor’s office. You forgot you called.

Fighting back tears, you looked around the parking lot and whispered, “I… took a few home pregnancy tests and they were all positive.”

“I understand,” said the receptionist kindly. ���I can work you in the day after tomorrow. She can confirm the pregnancy and discuss prenatal care or other options with you. Does that sound alright?”

Voice trembling, you replied, “Yes, that would be great. I really appreciate it.”

Meanwhile, Mark ditched the rest of his classes to drown himself in a video game. He was screwed, there was no doubt about it. He checked his phone again for the thousandth time - still no word from you.

He let his head fall back with a groan. You would have heard by now. The girls you tended to hang with were some of the mouthiest he had ever known. They would be itching to spill the tea all over you.

There was a knock at Mark’s bedroom door. He set the controller down and leapt up anxiously, expecting it to be you. God knows, he just wanted you to hold him and lie to him that everything would be alright.

When Mark opened the door, his heart sank.

There stood your father and his cheeks were the color of the fires of Hell itself.

“Mark,” he said stiffly.

“Yes, sir.” Mark held his breath, his heart beating violently against his ribs.

Your father clenched his jaw and hissed, “How long have you been having sex with my daughter?”

chapter 06 ⇤ chapter 07 ⇥ chapter 08

Hey there, beautiful! If you enjoyed this, please leave a like or reblog or follow me! Or maybe buy me a coffee so I can keep writing? Or check out my masterlist here for more stories! Thanks for reading :) - Katya

This work is fictional and for entertainment purposes only, but is licensed and protected under a creative commons attribution-noncommercial-noderivatives 4.0 international license. Any instances of plagiarism will be dealt with accordingly. Do not re-post or translate without my permission.

{ copyright 2018-2020 © ahgaseda // all rights reserved }

[remuswriting]

Sugarawa x Remus self-ship ‘hcs’

List of questions can be found here

I am sad and needed something to help cheer me up, so I did this.

You’re totally welcome to ship us if you’d like.

1. Where was your first date?

All of my first dates I’ve gone on were out to eat and were so boring because the energy was so awkward.  I planned all those dates, so he probably took control over this one.  We probably go on a picnic date in a park that I really like.

2. Who normally plans the dates?

Him 100%.   We were definitely friends before we started dating and he knew I’d get overwhelmed and just make napping a date

3. What type of dates would you two mostly go on? Do you guys have a “date spot” ?

We like to do pretty interactive dates, so ones where you’re not sitting in a restaurant.  Maybe going to bookstores and picking each other out a book.  Or maybe movie night but we go to a movie rental shop to get the movie, popcorn, and candy.  Our ‘date spot’ isn’t really definitive, but we probably end up going to the park the most.

4. What kind of date do you think the both of you would enjoy together the most? Why?

Interactive dates like I said above.  I know all dates are quality time with someone else, but ours kind of intensify it.  Our dates require us to be more alone together, even in a bookstore we end up back together in the end and then maybe go read at our park.  Just spending time together outside of the house and also being alone at the same time.

5. How do you think your friends would feel about them being your bf/gf/partner?

I actually asked my best friend this question because she also watches Haikyuu and she said she’d be shocked.  She’d be extremely happy for me, but shocked that I managed to actually talk to him.  My other friends would be okay with him; he and I are pretty similar, so they’d think it was a good match.

6. How do you think their friends would feel about you?

I think Daichi and Asahi would like me because we were already friends before. I’m not sure who all he stays close friends with after high school, but I doubt any of the Karasuno boys would hate me. Noya and Tanaka may be very wary of me because they obviously love and care about Sugawara.  Kageyama and Tsukishima would literally not care, because it’s not their relationship.

7. Who would most likely help the other study when they’re struggling in a class?

He would definitely have to help me.  Struggling in a class doesn’t really mean I’m bad in it but that I just can’t concentrate.  I am shit about math and science, but I could make pretty good grades if I was able to just focus on studying.  Suga would definitely help me focus though, because studying with other people always helps me.

8. How would you know them? ( ex: same homeroom, same route to school, etc.)

I’ve put so much thought into this.  It would be freshman composition 1, which means we’re freshmen in university.  I’m sitting alone, way too early to class because it’s the first day, and Sugawara decides he will sit next to me, even though there are tons of empty chairs. He decides to ask me what I’m doing on my computer because ‘you’re typing a lot’ and I tell him I’m writing. Every day he asks me to tell him a new thing about what I’m writing, and we end up pairing up for a group project and become friends.

9. What do you think your first impression of them would be?

Definitely ‘holy shit he is so pretty, why is this really beautiful guy so pretty’ and then he talks to me and I’m really trying to hold in my gay panic because ‘even his voice is pretty, I have never seen a man as pretty as this one.

10. What do you think their first impression of you would be?

Probably thinks I’m shy (I’m kind of am but not really) and thinks it’s cute how flustered I get when he starts talking to me.

11. Who’s more awkward in the relationship?

Me.  I’ve been in a lot of relationships, but they were all disasters, so I’d be pretty awkward because I’m not exactly sure on what to do.

12. Who initiates verbal affection more?

Me.  I’m not very touchy, even in relationships, and my love language is heavy on words of affirmation.

13. Who initiates physical affection more?

Suga.  I think he’s more into PDA to show his love.  We’d probably come up with a compromise, because I’ll do PDA but physical touch cause me a lot of anxiety at times.

14. Who gets more embarrassed by verbal affection?

I think we’d both get embarrassed when receiving it, but he’d also get embarrassed when saying it while I wouldn’t.  Even though verbal affection is my love language, but I still get embarrassed when receiving it (attention can make me embarrassed in general); I’m super confident at giving it.

15. Who gets more embarrassed by physical affection?

Me.  I’ve already said it can give me anxiety and that’s the main reason why I’d get embarrassed.

16. How well do you think your music tastes would mix? Would they like the music you listen to? Would you like the music they listen to?

I have absolutely no clue. Sugawara doesn’t seem like the kind of person who listens to sad music on repeat.  He’s into more of Disney and anime openings/endings.  I wouldn’t have any problems listen to what he listens to, I just hate country music.

17. Who is the one more likely to keep the other in check? ( ex: keeping up with studies, making sure the other isn’t skipping class, etc.)

He definitely always having to keep me in check.  I struggle with depression, which has made me skip 3 weeks of class before.  His way of keeping me in check would be to schedule breakfast/lunch dates on campus, so I feel like I have to go to class to tell him about my classes.

18. How similar are your personalities?

We’re pretty similar. He’s more affectionate than I am with people.  I come off as pretty aggressive and cold, but I do care about those around me.  So, we’re both fairly caring and like to help others, but we’re both extremely chaotic.  I’m pretty sure I���m more chaotic than he is.  He likes to ensue chaos amongst people while I’m the person who sits in the middle of campus at 2am and campus police have to ask if I’m okay.

19. How compatible are your mbti’s?

I’m an INTP and he’s an INFJ.  I looked up the compatibility and it says it’s pretty strong.   I’ll just believe the internet. 

20. How compatible are your zodiac signs?

I think zodiac signs are really stupid, so I don’t really care about this one.  I’m a Taurus and he’s a Gemini.  I have like 3 friends who are Gemini and we get along just fine.  I think personality type is more important than zodiac sign.

21. Who would be the tattoo artist and who would be the florist?

Neither.  Sugawara is a barista at the only coffee shop that serves gluten free lemon cake near campus.  I’m the creative writing major, who is working on his huge project, that comes in every day he works.  I also definitely messed up my order the first time I saw him.

22. How big is the height difference?

           He’s 5’8” and I’m 5’1” so seven inches.

23. How would you describe your first kiss?

I’m going to let you guys in on a little secret; all first kisses suck.  Never base if you’re going to date someone because of a first kiss, because it is always awkward and lowkey sucks.  Our first kiss would be awkward, we definitely knocked noses and he had to grab my face to kiss me.  The kiss itself wasn’t bad, the entire experience was awkward though.

24. Would you confess first, or would they? How would it have gone?

Sugawara confessed first because I literally don’t know how to.  He was at my apartment studying while I was writing and I asked if I could read out some dialogue for him because I didn’t know if it was any good. He then just said “I really, really like you” and I was like “Cool, I like you too, now can I read out this dialogue?

25. Do you think they’d be good at your love language?

I have multiple love languages, I tied in all three of these; Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, and Acts of Service.  They end up tying into some of my mental illness, so they all really make sense for me.

I truly know that he would be good at my love language(s).  Spending quality time together is already a common thing for us and we tell each other we love each other all the time.  He praises me when I do good on things and just makes sure I know he loves me.  Acts of Service isn’t a love language that I am always in need of.  It’s mainly for when I become depressed to where I can’t really function like I typically do, and he helps me where he can.  When I need that type of love language, I don’t really want any words of affirmation because it causes me to feel guilty.  But him coming over (or home) and cleaning up the place before laying next to me and telling me about his day is something that would mean the world to me.

26. What do you think their love language is, and do you think you’d be good at it?

I firmly believe this man’s love language is physical touch.  I would do my best at it.  I may not do it all the time, but there would be times I would just know to do it because he needed it and that’s all that matters to me.  Over time I think I’d get better at it, but it could take years for me to get to a point where I was ‘good’ at it.

27. Why do you think they fell for you?

I don’t 100% know.  I know we’d be good friends, but something probably happened to make him realize he liked/loved me.  It was probably something of he was sad and texted me he couldn’t come over, but I ended up at his doorstep with his favorite food and his favorite chick flic saying that we were going to have the best night ever.

28. Why do you think you’d fall for them?

I fall extremely fast in relationships, it’s really sad to be honest.  He would make me laugh and happy.  Suga would definitely be supportive when I come out to him and told me he’d never see me differently no matter if I was trans or not.  Him being so accepting would probably make me fall in love with him.

29.  Are there any songs that remind you of your self-ship?

Please Notice (Christian Leave), Into You (Ariana Grande), Lethal Combination (The Wombats), Enchanted (Taylor Swift), Dazed & Confused (Ruel), Sucker (Jonas Brothers), Come Back…Be Here (Taylor Swift)

 30. Are there any cliché tropes that apply to your self-ship?

           Friends to lovers is the only one I know of.  I don’t know a lot about cliché tropes.

31.  Who would prefer cooking? Cleaning? Baking? None of the above?

Sugawara would prefer cooking while I prefer baking.  Cleaning would just be something we do together because we both have certain ways we clean things and have to work together on.

32. Who takes really aesthetic, elegant photos of the other?

We take turns in a way, but mainly me.  I hate getting my photo taken, so I’m taking majority of the photos.  He takes really elegant photos of me when I’m not paying attention though.

33. Who takes very unexpected, unflattering photos of the other?

Both.  We’ve made it into a competition of who can get the worst one.  I’m winning with the high quality people where I’m sitting on his seat, my eyes/forehead in the photo, while he looks atrocious because of the angle.

34. How would your (future?) careers work together? Would your schedules clash, or sync well?

I truly hate this question, because I don’t know what career I’m going to have.  I’d love to work in a publishing house, so we’ll go with that one.  Sugawara is an elementary school teacher, as you may already know because of time skip. Our schedules alignment would change pretty regularly depending on the project I have, but I’m always home to tell him to go to sleep and he can finish grading papers in the morning.  He refuses my help on grading because he says I’d be too intense on third graders.

35. Who would suck at games?

I’m assuming this means videogames and I straight up just don’t play any video games.  I’m pretty good at board games (besides Monopoly because I’ve never played it) and would destroy him at Clue.

 36. Who would let the other win at games?

Neither.  We’re both pretty competitive.  He gets pissed because I keep winning at board games when I barely even pay attention to the game though.

37. Who is messier?

Me.  I’m the kind of person that has a clean room before I wake up and suddenly it’s destroyed because I got ready.

38. Who would propose? Would either of you want marriage in the future?

Sugawara would 100% want to get married, but I’m pretty hesitant because of my past relationships and just view on marriage as a whole.  I’d most likely marry him, but that would be a huge talk.  He’d also be the one to propose and it was a huge proposal where we literally go to Disney World to do it.  I later tell him that he could’ve asked me while we were watching Bones and I would’ve said yes.

39. Where would your dream vacation be with your self-ship? What would you guys do?

Disney World and Universal Studios.  I want to live out my dream of getting the photographers of me kissing my boyfriend at Disney World and buying Hogwarts stuff at Universal.  He’s 100% a Slytherin and I’m a Hufflepuff with Slytherin tendencies, aka best pairing.

40. What are traits you have that would annoy/upset them?

I’m severely pessimistic and lazy.  Being lazy would annoy him, but I imagine that my pessimism would eventually piss him off.

41. What are traits they have that would annoy/upset you?

I don’t really know. He seems to be the kind of person that just does everything constantly, and it would annoy me.  He doesn’t know how to take a break and relax, which I do way too much of but that’s because I do a lot of stuff at once and then I relax for however long I can.  Suga doesn’t know how to do that though.  It would just be annoying; it wouldn’t upset me.

42. How often would you guys probably fight? What would they normally be about? Would they be big or small?

I don’t think we’d fight that much, but that’s because I ever get upset enough to actually fight. Sometimes I yell and tell people to actually listen, but that’s the extent of my typical anger.  Our fights would probably revolve around unhealthy habits. Probably tells me to stop being pessimistic and I try to explain it’s not that simple, and soon enough there’s a fight.  He definitely starts them because I think he’s so much more open about everything he feels compared to me.  We never insult each other or anything though, even if it’s a nasty fight.  The worst it has come down to was “I don’t want to see your face right now, I’m leaving” and I end up sleeping at a friend’s house.  The next day we calmly talk through it and the fight is done.

43. Who would probably get sick more often? Who would baby the other when sick? Who acts like they’re dying when they get a stuffy nose?

He definitely gets actually sick more than I do because my immune system is really good.  I tend to not feel good when I’m depressed, I have actually ran a fever because of it, but I’m not actually sick.  I don’t baby him at all.  My mother is a nurse and the most I was babied was when I was really young and had a severe case of the flu, besides that she sets out medications and tells us to drink water and sleep.  I would buy him soup (I have caught soup on fire before) and really cover him with blankets to make sure his fever goes down.  I act like I’m dying when I get a stuffy nose though and he just asks my mom want to get and buys it for me.

44. Who has the worst patience? Does the other balance this out?

I have the worst patience out of everyone I know, except my mother (where I got having no patience from). Sugawara has a lot more patience than I do because of being in volleyball and has to constantly tell me that we will get to the counter eventually when I complain that the line is way too slow and my version of Hell is waiting in a line.

45. Which one suggests trips to stores at 3am?

Me. No one is there that late, so it’s the perfect time to go.

46. Who is a morning person? Who is a night person?

He’s a morning person and I’m a night person.

47. Out of the two of you, who would be the one to kill / get rid of the spider?

Me. Spiders don’t bother at all.

48. Who reminds the other of things? ( ex: appointments, tests, etc.)

Sugawara has to remind me of everything.  I am overly forgetful and he tells me the night before as well as text me before the appointment.  He thought in the beginning of the relationship that getting calls the day before my appointment would truly remind me, but they don’t.  I forget what floor my doctor’s office is on and I’ve been going there for years, so remembering appointments is just extremely hard for me.

49. What is the pace of the relationship? ( ex: started dating after a few weeks, takes months/years, act couple like right off the bat, need time, etc?)

I’m not sure if I fully understand this, but he and I were friends for probably months before we started dating.  I may have liked him longer, but I’m used to guys not liking me back.  He probably liked me for a month and then awkwardly confessed.  We immediately started acting a couple once we started dating though.

50. Who said the first “ I love you”? Was it immediately reciprocated, or did the other person wait?

He said it first.  It slipped out when he was lying next to me on one of my bad days and was like “I just love you so much.”  He didn’t even freeze, at all, and I was pretty quiet because I wasn’t in the mood for talking to begin with.  I said it later when he brought me food, and he almost broke a plate in shock.

[archiveofidentityconstellations]

(Preferably all batfam related else I'd be clueless :P) 4, 8, 15, 29, 30, 37, 40 alternative ending to 'On Fashions & Small Fry' 💜💜

4. How many fic ideas are you nurturing right now? Care to share one of them?

I literally just had an idea this morning about little snapshots in which Damian crawls into Dick’s bed to kind of show the break of outer and inner lives and what we project to the world (day) and how we feel inside (night). That sounds like a lot of hogwash bc mostly I just wanted to do a cute thing with Dick and Damian being brothers

8. Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

from birds all sing:

Several minutes passed, Tim looking at the man he had known as a father for several years, brow furrowed in consideration.

"What else?" Bruce finally said. He let his voice soften. "What else do you need?" Tim met his eyes. Bruce's fists clenched.

So young.

"...The roti."

What?

"What?"

"The roti bread?" Tim repeated. "I was thinking maybe the zucchini but no, I definitely want the roti."

Bruce stood there, adrenaline seeping out of his bones.

"That's it?" he asked brusquely, not a little annoyed to be put through the emotional ringer in under five minutes.

"Yeah," Tim nodded. He almost beamed at the thought of the upcoming food. "That's it. Thanks, Bruce!"

"Don't mention it," he growled, marching out the office.

It’s not perfect, but I like it because it makes me laugh. My humor has a lot to do with timing, so when I manage to get the timing right I find it very funny

15. If you could choose one of your fics to be filmed, which would you choose?

Good question! I wouldn’t really choose any of my fics to be filmed, but I would love my “version” of batcat to have a film presence. Other than that, I would probably want either bratkid or star wars domestic AU to be filmed, but I would make them original work. I like the idea of family coming together and getting to love one another. It’s an after school special!

29. If you could write the sequel (or prequel) to any fic out there not written by yourself, which would you choose?

Oh man I’m kind of shit at imagining things beyond what the author intends. My friend Hobbs has a world she lets me play in sometimes, so I write little snippets of fanfic of her stuff.

30. Do you accept prompts?

When I say they’re open, yeah, kind of. I don’t get paid for writing, it’s not like a commission, so if I like the idea I’ll do it or incorporate it into whatever I’m writing. It’s free real estate babey

37. Talk about your current wips.

There’s too manyyyyyy

I’ll talk about what I need to do

birds all sing: start the first fight. make it organic, not off the cuff. don’t be overt but not too subtle.

crack fic: research you dumb bint. you are literally not writing this because you don’t want to research. why. normally you love research. you just don’t want to look up what writing up reports looks like. it’s probably online. just do it.

40. Write an alternative ending to [insert fic title] (or just the summary of one).

OHO, okay! Long answer

This was actually supposed to be a full fic, I had a lot planned for it but it got so large that I was like “hmmm” and didn’t do it. It had like 4 “acts” as to how the story went

Anyhow, the fic starts out how Damian wants to go to Sacramento with Bruce, because Bruce said he would take him last week, but then Bruce says no. He won’t explain why, but he’s obviously not mad at Damian, so Damian can’t figure it out. Damian ends up facecalling him and he can see Talia in the background. He promptly flips out, throws his phone at the wall, breaks it, destroys the room, then kind of has a breakdown wherein he just sits in the tub fully clothed with his shoes on 😅

Tim sits with him, then Damian basically falls asleep so Tim goes to get Dick and Dick puts his boy to bed

Second act: Several days go by, and Damian is better, but as he’s sitting on the counter while Stephanie is cooking, she accidentally says something they were all keeping from him: Bruce went to Sacramento so that Talia could sign off on custody rights, lawyers are involved and everything.

Cue to Damian being like “what” and marching off. Damian then concocts this scheme in which he tells Dick that he really wanted to see Dallas, that father was going to take him, please he wants to see the rodeo, etc. Dick gives in and decides they’ll take a brotherly bonding road trip! Yay!

But things start to go sour when neither one of them can mind their business in a seedy motel, and their relationship issues come to light. After this:

"No, damn it!" Dick slammed his hand against the doorframe. It rattled at its hinges. "You got your time, that's it, done, over. I take care of you, got it?"

"We're partners," Damian said, weakly.

Dick's eyes softened. He struggled inside himself, Damian could see. But just as a bubble of hope rose forth, it burst the next millisecond. Dick lowered his hands, head tucked low and shaking softly. "Not anymore we're not," he sighed.

then Damian uhhhh how does one say, drugs Dick so he can sneak out and take a plane to Sacramento.

He bursts into whatever meeting place Bruce and Talia are at and lambasts them for lying to him and such. Talia is like “hi sweetie” and Bruce is like “b o i” and Damian ends by saying he gets to leave first because they always leave whenever they wanted, so now he gets to leave THEM

So he angry-walks to a park and sits down on a bench and stews

Then Dick BURSTS in and is like “is he here?????” and Bruce is like “you let your eleven year old brother get on a plane himself?!” and Dick is like “that little SHIT drugged me, I didn’t let him do anything” and they all sort of talk about the best thing for Damian

Damian comes back after a day on the town in which he really doesn’t have all that much fun, and comes back and everyone is like “okay let’s all be mature about this and talk, no secrets”

And it turns out

Talia is dying

So Damian is bewildered and mad that he can’t be mad, she’s dying, she’s dying and she doesn’t even get to see him without Bruce’s approval, etc

So they work out what would be best for Damian WITH Damian’s input, thank you very much

(also Bruce is like “We acknowledge that we weren’t the best but if you EVER do that again—”)

Third act is in which the new normal is strange, because Damian is visiting Talia but it’s like when he was a very young child again, because she’s not trying to impart survival wisdom, she’s just his mom. And Damian is sort of dealing with the remnants of trauma, and is upset because why couldn’t it have been like this all the time, but he CAN’T be upset because she’s dying and despite his unwillingness to go back over his trauma it crops up and Talia has a lot to make up for. Ra’s appears in his crazy old way, because she’s his favorite child and she’s dying and Damian and Ra’s basically get to sit in a hospital waiting room together and have a stilted conversation on who they are and what family even means

Anyhow Damian is really starting to get along with Talia, which concerns Bruce because. she’s dying. Damian is going to be gutted. So he slowly kind of tries to make it so Damian isn’t as attached (dumb but it’s Bruce) and Damian gets angry and runs away to visit his mother in the French Riviera. They have a wonderful time but then Bruce goes to get him and Damian is mad at him. But Talia says “you need to listen to your father” and Damian realizes that Bruce is the only parent he’s going to have, he’s not going to have his mom anymore.

So yeah, there’s still another act that I didn’t finalize but that’s a rough summary of everything!!

And Talia was going to have an illness exacerbated by the Lazarus pits, like caused by it. It was basically going be Creutzfeldt–Jakob disease equivalent in the DC universe. So yeah, she can’t come back lol

[seenashwrite]

Notes From Nash: Season 15 Episode 2

We're back! And by that, I don't mean back for episode #2, I mean we're back in the little town, same little town we were in for the majority of episode #1. And as far as how ep #2 compares with ep #1.... um.....  

The writers ain't in no damn rush to advance the plot or further character development, are they? So this is basically ep #1 all over again with some guest star overload as a substitute for those two very important aspects of storytelling I just mentioned.

[stares at date]

They've got *how* many eps to wrap up the show? 

Hoo-boy.

Spoilers below the cut.

Changing it up from last time (see link at bottom), I thought I'd go in order of the ep this post. All right. Let's roll.

From the mom who gets 86'd in the opening------

And, PS: That's not disemboweled. Don't use the word if you (a) don't know what it means and/or (b) won't let make-up/effects do their job.

-----to the rest of the people, I care nothing. There was no point giving all these extras lines and whatever little backstories, I give no fucks. Mainly because, gee, I don't know, I signed up for a show about two brothers goin' out there and gettin' after it, and thus far we've gone about two inches and gotten nothing.

Are we still in this little town?

More questions, borrowing from the dialogue some here:

"Remember when we did the thing with Amara?"

"God's sister?"

"And the soul bomb? And here's how it worked? Remember? Because you participated? REMEMBER?! I'm not just saying this for the benefit of, oh wait, no one, because the chances of brand new viewers coming into the game this late is virtually nil, so everyone - including us, here, in this scene, our characters - already know this backstory, ergo the only reason for exposition anvils is to benefit those viewers, who - as we've already established - likely don't exist. So let's run through this for the benefit of, I have to assume, the writers who don’t actually, you know, watch the show as evidenced by--- well, we’d be here all day."

Nope. No, no. Those aren't questions I had. Because I've been watching the show for a good while now. This exchange should’ve been something to the effect of - “I was thinking - remember how we did the soul bomb, with Amara? Do you think you could pull off something like that? To trap them?” and then Rowena responds with uncertainty but will give it a try, etc. I mean, the writing in this ep is thus far pedestrian.

There's still no explanation for why these ghosts - especially these super notorious ghosts like Ripper and Lizzie and who-fuck-ever - were lingering so close together that they were able to be trapped by the stupidest ex machina spell in the writing world. And what of the others? The entirety of hell escaped. We've seen, what, maybe 20? Could there maybe have been a throw-a-way line to Belphagor something like “Did you corral the worst douchebags together”, or “Is there a bar in hell where the worst douchebags hang out or something”, or “this is just our luck that the worst douchebags landed here” or WHATEVER, just SOMETHING to acknowledge they (the writers) recognize that Convenient Super Bad Ghosts Are Convenient.

IT'S KETCH, BITCHES!

I love this character. What a breath of fresh air that snarky piece of ass has been. I hope he doesn't get killed. He will. Because we can't have anything good. But there is some good, which is the Ketch-Rowena flirting. Honestly, I'm fine with Rowena getting action from anyone. She's awesome and she's earned it. Ketch is primo catch, though. (I'm not sorry for that sentence. I am, but I'm not.)

The repeated use of Belphagor's name pleases myself and my podcast co-host. Should you wish to know more about that demon, please do check out our podcast. Don't look him up first, trust us. That they have chosen this particular demon's name is just *chef's kiss*, though I do hope it's not a foreshadowing for how the rest of the season is going to go. Okay fine, I'll spoil it: he's a shit demon. He deals in poo. Literally. I'm not lying. Go forth to the podcast @youtotallymadethatup​ - just about every post links you to where you can listen. /shameless self-promo

IT'S AMARA, BITCHES!

Let's hope that wardrobe does her better than that ill-fitting black dress this go 'round, she deserves better.

"You're the darkness, I'm the light."

STOP IT. STOP. FUCK. STOP.

Are we still in this little town?

Blah blah blah Castiel Dean angst repeating essentially what's already been said at the end of 14 and last week blah. "You know what's real? We are." Not if it's an alternate timeline, my love. 

I keep forgetting just how many spaced-out chains you need to have strewn about your standard meat packing plant and/or factory, well played, set dec and props. That.... that was sarcasm.. (Look, I got no beef with the crew, they're just playing the cards they've been dealt, and their hands are garbage, just a pile of same ol' same ol' stereotypical, unimaginative stuff, so bless them. I hope every single one of them has a job lined up next year, truly. They have more than paid their dues and earned it. Lord knows especially since certain parties took the reins, good night nurse. I've digressed. )

IT’S KEVIN BI----

This is dumb. This is actually dumb. In case you didn't see my half-time post, and I quote:

That is *three* in under twenty minutes. Like, it’s episode 2. You’re blowing your wad. Pace yourselves. AND MAYBE SOME STORY ADVANCING, THAT WOULD BE AWESOME

This bullet thing could be hella interesting. It *could* be. I wonder if it will be. 

These ghosts are painfully uninteresting. The guy playing the Ripper is horribly miscast. This needed to be someone who... who.... I dunno, is a good actor. He's not. Sorry, Pops. I mean, even Osric (who is an excellent actor) couldn't elevate that scene.

This episode is painful.

Are we still in this little town?

Ketch got knocked out, left alone with ghost, deffo gonna get possessed. 

Are we still talking to these ghosts? Why? Why is Kevin thinking he can go up against them alone? I'm not exactly sure what threat they are to him, can't he just disappear and whoosh somewhere else? I missed something, I must've missed something. It doesn't matter, none of this matters.

Okay, Belphagor says there's at least a hundred. Still, what would that be, like 1/2500000000th of hell? Why are the Winchesters, of all people, and now Rowena concentrating on this stupid little town----

Are. We. Still. In. This. Little. Town.

---why in the fuck aren't the most renowned hunters of modern time and their angel friend and the powerful witch friend and the friend with immense tactical knowledge regarding weaponry for supernatural shit not at the bunker strategizing and planning and... and... and.... I just.... 

Lookit, I've said this before: especially in fantasy/sci-fi stuff, if you are logical in every possible place you can be, if you nail the simple shit, then the audience is exponentially more likely to buy into the fantastical stuff, and also to be more forgiving (or not notice altogether) when you inevitably whiff, because nobody's perfect, of course. But this show in later years has notoriously screwed the pooch on the easy stuff, and here we are, in some needlessly convoluted mess right out of the gate in the last season ever.

::sighs::

Oh, look. Because of course he's possessed. You left him alone with a ghost. I'm neither a professional writer nor a psychic, I'm just thinking "What is predictable as possible?" and saying that. You try it. It's worked for me so far.

"I tried to heal him it didn't work" - well maybe he's still residually possessed. Or maybe you suck. Sorry Cas, you don't deserve that. It's not you. It's not me, either. It's them. It's the writers. I don't know what this line is about unless they're teeing up Cas to be even more neutered than he already is. I legit don't know, I can't think, I'm so irritated right now. 

"Nothing to hold you anywhere" - what? Really? Seriously? So what are you and Dean? Y'all ain't his family? Let that little badass haunt the bunker. He'd be the most awesome research assistant ever. Now THAT is a good plot point, have ol' Kev be home base, helping coordinate whatever's coming. Oh here we go, swishy swishy hand, magic hole, nobody knows why this demon can do all this shit, and Kevin's gone. Why? WHY. My idea is better. No way Osric would blow your guest star budget, it appears to be shaping up to be immense, especially with all the money you've saved so far on location(s). 

Shoulda kept him rest of season, let him assist, then his final reward is getting into heaven for reals when Cas (they'll probs kill him, tho) or Amara (maybe, seems too obvi a choice tho, and she doesn't give a shit about beng a ruler, we knew that back in whatever season that was) or Jack (because why not, it's the most ridiculous idea, since he's got the mind of a toddler, meaning it's something the writers would think is a great idea) or Billie (wild card guess) is the new God. Or have him brought back to life, fuck, I don't care.

So is the bullet trapping Chuckster on earth, is the question, and if so what kind of all-knowing deity puts a weapon in the hand of a potential enemy that could render him even a *touch* weaker? Where's the long game, there? What could any possible reasoning be? 

Okay, well, the scenes between Emily and Rob have been the best part of the episode, as well as the interaction with Ruthie and DHJ. Everything else fell flat. J2M seemed to be bored and phoning it in, and it's not often that can be said about any of those three.

I swear, if the preview shows that we're still in this little town for episode #3.... wait, is that the crypt from ep #1?.... are.... are we..... 

ARE WE STILL IN THIS LITTLE TOWN

What have we learned? Other than Chuck, no character development. The plot remains that some ghosts-interchangeably-used-with-souls from hell are trapped in a confined area, and it was via a tenuous spell provided by a demon whose motivations are unknown, and there's something up with that bullet wound. We knew those already.

(There's possibly something wrong with either Cas or Ketch -- or else that's something that will be completely forgotten was ever mentioned -- but we don't know either way and we don't know what it is, therefore we didn't learn anything; if this does ultimately turn out to be something, then we'll count it as a learned item for that episode.) 

So, minus learning that Chuck is weakened somehow and that at least for right now Amara’s not exactly in his corner, we're in the exact same place story-wise that we were in last week. 

And looks like we'll be back there again next week. 

See you next week, I guess.

=================================

Past posts, from newest to oldest (and I sometimes do addendums if a response warrants)

Episode 1

.

[c0nques7]

Unfuck your life, a retrospective

Chapter One: Un-f Your Head

A special kind of person has special kind of problems. My flavor that had to be dealt with was narcissism. I would start drinking and then talk for hours, just to hear the sound of own voice. People would listen because I was a gifted orator, not because the words connected to provide any substance. 

Hopefully after reading the intro and doing some reflecting you’ve come to find yourself ready to begin the hard work towards making your life better, but before we get started, you have to make one promise that you’ll carry through the entirety of this book -

If your doctor says to do something that is contrary to any of my recommendations, you listen to your doctor instead of me.

I am not a doctor by any stretch of the imagination, and as you'll see later on, I have also had to reach out to medical professionals when the nature of my problem went outside the realm of what I could attain myself. You promise you’ll go to them when things get really tough, right? Right? Okay cool, lets begin.

First things first. You’re going to need to spend some time with yourself, thinking, exploring, crying, etc. Some of it you’ll do by yourself, some of it you’ll do with dear friends or spouses, and some of it will come off a drunken 2 day weekend bender and you’re so sorry for it please god stay friends with me. Trust me, I’ve been to all of these places. The purpose of all of this is to take some time, get a feel for who you are, what you like, don’t like, your good, bad and otherwise. Grab something you can take notes on, and start here. Write down 5 things you like about yourself. It can be as simple as “I’m great about remembering to lay down the toilet seat” or as complex as “My confidence going into the Calc 3 final.” The reason we’re going with the good first is that you need to CONSTANTLY remind yourself of the things that you like about yourself. Can’t think of anything? Ask a friend. Don’t have any friends? Ask your mom or dad. Don’t have any parents? Jesus, I’m sorry, tweet me and I’ll help you with this part.

Once you have those down, put them somewhere you’ll see them every day. I used to have mine as my cell phone background. I used to also be studying for a computer certification, and every time I’d score over a 70%, I’d write on the piece of paper, “Good job Joe!” in a cool color, and it was forever in my study journal, so that every time I’d review, I’d remember how good I was at this stuff. 

The reason behind all of this is that with how deep we’re going to go into making positive change, you need to have the foundation of confidence knowing that we’re working with a good person, not a shit person who is hopeless. If you are reading this right now, you are not a shit person, because you are at least trying.

The next thing we’re going to do is write out 3 things you don’t like about yourself. Now, when you get into this, make sure you’re writing something down that you have a measure of control over. If you were born with a birth defect, or have a mental illness, don’t write down the symptoms of those things as the focus of your change. These need to be more along the lines of, “I wish I was more outgoing”, or “I wish I didn’t talk badly about people behind their backs.” or even, “I wish I was better at coding/reading/being empathetic.”

Full disclosure, when I went through weekly therapy after my divorce, there were so many problems that we had to unpack and dig through that tackling only 3 problems seemed like a waste of time, but what I’ve found out is that depending on where you are emotionally in this process, 3 might be all you can handle. If you wanna do more, and address more, then by all means, go for it.

Every week, remind yourself of the things you want to change, remind yourself of the things that you like about yourself, and then finally write down how you can correlate the things you like about yourself with the things you want to change. For example, I’m really good at being able to gather lots of information, and one of the things I’m working on is trying to stick to a budget, so I’ve been trying to gather as much financial information about myself as possible to better understand when I spend, why I spend, and try different ways of budgeting so that I’m not overextending myself. This part is going to take some time, and I recommend only attempting one per week at first until you get the hang of it.

Now, because it’s the elephant in the room, we’re going to go ahead and jump into the subject of drugs, what I would be a healthy guideline to follow regarding their use (as long as your doctor gives the okay), and I’ll provide what I use/don’t use, so hopefully you’ll be more informed than just your 1hr DARE class you attended 10 years ago. I wish that people had been real with me about drugs. We’re going to be roping alcohol in with drugs, because saying drugs and alcohol is like saying fruit and watermelon. It’s all drugs, with varying pros, cons and usages. 

The drugs I’ve used/tried are as follows:

Adderall (I have a prescription for it, I’ll go into that later.)

Very low dose antidepressant (Prescription too. Haven’t noticed any mood changes with it, but my doctor recommended it for sleep, and it seems to be working. Gives me dry mouth.

Weed. Didn’t start smoking until I was 26, only smoked when I was really stressed out, had a period of a month where I was a daily smoker, now I try and stay away from it. It’s illegal where I’m from, so it’s best to stay away from things that could get me in trouble with the law.

Alcohol. Used to use it for stress release, now I only have a beer every once in a while, or an expensive tequila. Don’t like the way it makes me feel after more than 2 or 3 drinks. Brings out the worst in everyone, I’ve found.

Kratom. Only used in very small doses. Dried me out, but I did notice a very relaxing effect, and improved sexual performance on certain strains. The DEA is trying to make it illegal, so be careful with this one. 

Kava. Root based tea that chilled me out. I highly recommend. Tastes like dirt. Get the powder, take your time making it, don’t mess with the concentrates or anything other than Noble powder. 

We’ll touch on these again in the next chapter, but for now here’s what I want you to get real about.

Does my usage of drugs push me closer towards the things I like about myself, or towards the things I don’t like about myself? It’ll take some time to answer that, and it’ll take even longer to kick the habits and/or addictions associated if you decide the answer to be no.

In my case, I always knew I had issues with focus, we made jokes about it, I laughed along, but I always felt like a failure who was letting everyone around me down because I couldn’t finish anything I started. After getting into another serious relationship after my divorce I decided that the stakes were much higher this time around, and I wanted my promises to be not only remembered, but kept and followed through with. At this point I decided it was time to talk to my doctor, who then referred me to a psychiatrist who recommended I try a low dose of adderall. For me, it was a game changer. The problem with acquiring anything illegally is yes, you can go to jail, be fined, etc, but more importantly, you’re not doing something that can be monitored. Part of your doctors job is and should be supplying you with objectivity. Yes, yes, big pharma and “The Man” have gotten to your doctor and are causing him/her to prescribe things that fuck with your brain. If you’ll take off your tin-foil hat for a second, and finish your blunt, I’m going to level with you. Weed can make you paranoid, and if you’re smoking a lot, stop for a week, re-read this chapter and then reach out to me if you still wanna argue about the pros and cons of having a good, open, honest dialogue with your healthcare provider.

All of the drugs I’ve tried produced a result in my self-talk that made me decide, was this thing I’m putting in my body worth it? For some, no, for others, sometimes, and for yet still others, absolutely yes. 

Except for heroin. Not even once.

The last thing I want to leave you with in this chapter is a plan for how to handle when you fall off the bandwagon, or miss the mark on your goals. Remember this from the intro? 

 The most important part of the process is accepting that you can change, you want to change, and you make the daily steps to change.

I know it wasn’t that long ago that you read it, but it’s worth repeating. I remember when I first began to tackle my relationship with alcohol, it was absolutely the hardest thing I’d ever done. I spent more time off the wagon than I spent going anywhere. Countless nights where, “oh I’ve had a rough day, I’ll just have one drink” turned into “ah so this is what the bottom of a bottle of Jose Quervo looks like. I’d forgotten for a moment.”. Shit happens, but you’re tougher than the shit you’re going through. We’re going to focus on a 5-10% change in your life every month. Absolutely keep reading, but remember, the 5-10% changes are going to be the easiest to make, with the longest lasting impact. Now get to it!

Action Items from This Chapter:

Write Down 5 Things You Like About Yourself:

Write Down 3 Things You Don’t Like About Yourself:

Write Down 1 Thing You’re Going To Change About Yourself, Using The Things You Like About Yourself.

[thesorrowfulknight-blog]

Okaayyyy, so! Apparently tumblr was being a shitforbrains again and didn't post my answers from a few days ago, so I'm gonna combine both get-to-know-me q&a's in one post! Sorry for the wait you guys.

1st set of q's was tagged by @legendarybitch 😘

Relationship status: Single AF

Favourite colours: Blue and green, hands down. I'm partial to he more vibrant blues and more earthy greens; especially hunter green with gold accenting. But it has to be a nice gold, not that yucky orangey-yellow some folks use

Lipstick or chapstick: Chapstiiiick! Anything else I get annoyed and scrape it off with my teeth

3 favourite foods: Oh god, I have to choose? I guess... Any pizza really though I have a weakness for deepdish (especially double cheese smothered in sriracha 😍), suicide hot wings (I want to choke on the fumes and feel like my face is melting), aannnnd a nice tender rare steak. You can't see it but I'm drooling now thx guys

Song stuck in my head: The Next Episode by Dr. Dre feat. Snoop Dogg

Last song I listened to: Zombies by The Cranberries (the cover done by Bad Wolves is fucking bomb too)

Last movie I watched: Galaxy Quest (1999) Worth every goddamn penny

Top 3 tv shows: Tough call, but I think the closest would have to be Hannibal, Final Space, and Voltron: Legendary Defender

Books I'm currently reading: The Rowan by Anne McCaffrey and Burial Rites by Hannah Kent

Last thing I googled: Biomedical Technology

Time: 11:04pm

How many blankets do you sleep in: Primarily just my one big galaxy comforter

Dream trip: Phew, that one's a pretty tall order! About 9/10ths of my clan/extended familar are still in europe (mostly Germany and the Netherlands), so I'd like to be able to visit everyone! I haven't met most of them because of distance but we're all still very tightly knit accross continents. So a dream trip would somehow entail being able to get to visit everyone and possibly even go with my Oma before she can't fly anymore (she hasn't seen her sisters in many years). If somehow this all timed itself right so that I could also attend the Trakehner Verband approvals at Neumünster, I would legitimately weep with joy. My opa and I had always planned to go together as he hadn't been since immigrating to Canada, but now that he's passed I want to go for the both of us. It's a family legacy thing, I suppose. My second choice would be to visit either Spain or Portugal for a riding vacation 😍

Anything you really want: To have a prosperous and fulfilling life brimming with true friendship, laughter, and love.

2nd set of q's tagged by @vecchiasignoras 😙

Name: Kate, though I consider it to be quite intimate so only my immediate family calls me by this name. Everyone else refers to me as Kat

Height: 5'9"

Middle name(s): I have two! Their initials are E.M.

Put your music on shuffle. What are the first four songs that come on?

September by Earth, Wind & Fire

In the Middle by Jimmy Eat World

Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana

Something Like This by The Chainsmokers

Bonus: Become the Beast by Karliene

Grab the book nearest you and turn to page 23. What is on line 17? (I counted them as the beginning/end of dialogue and whole sentences)

"She'll... she'll die! You know as well as I do," and Siglen's words crowded each other out of her mouth, "what happens to the truly Talented in space... I mean, look at how ill David became. Remember how devastated Capella was. To subject an infant... of unknown potential... to such mind-destroying trauma! Why you must be mad, Interior. You cannot! I will not permit it!"

Ever had a song or poem written about you? Not to my knowledge! Though the only thing they might draw inspiration from is how big my feet are lmao

When was the last time you played air guitar? Mmm, a few weeks I think? That Mötley Crüe riff was impossible to resist. As for a real guitar, I think it's going on almost 4 or 5 years now? Jesus time flies.

Who is your celebrity crush? They would have to be Tom Holland and Chris Hemsworth. I definitely have a thing for their personality type 😘

What's a sound you hate + a sound you love?

A sound I hate would 12/10 have to be my mother's voice, even just saying my name. It always sounds accusatory and condescending in the kind of way that's like nails on a chalkboard but under your skin. Also the sound of unexpected people WALKING UP ONTO MY PORCH AND KNOCKING ON THE DOOR INVADING MY SANCTUARY. (I loathe unannounced visitors. Hate hate hate them).

A sound that I love would hands down have to be the ambient noises my horse makes when he's just doing... whatever. When he's doing him-stuff. Slurping up electrolyte water like a messy kid, heaving these great big sighs because life amiright? I especially find his annoyed growling to be hilarious, because he is VERY loud and dramatic about it, but only does it when you ask him to do something relatively low effort that he finds tedious. Like flat work, or walking to and from the barn and paddock. Completely droll and lackluster. But going for a friendly gallop in the back field? You'd think we'd just gotten rallied by fucking Théoden to ride to our deaths at the Pelennor Fields. He makes this hard little growly-grunt when he shifts up into the next gear and then boom, you're gone. Just fucking gone. Then he's a happy springy boi. It isn't like his annoyed growling though; it's different. When he's annoyed it's more like verbal complaining; all in the throat. But when he revs it it's much shorter and takes on a hard edge. Comes up deep from the core. I can't really explain it any better than that. I just fucking love sprinting a 1700lbs war machine in general, now that I've re-learned how the hell to ride it 😂 I'm babbling now

Do you believe in ghosts? I believe in spirits and other things, yes.

How about aliens? We've only discovered and understand, what, 0.4% of the known universe? To not be widely open to and fully accepting of the notion that we are not alone would be pure folly. Even from a mathematical standpoint it would be wildly ridiculous not to. That doesn't mean I have any specific theories or "truths" about it, though. It would just be very stupid of me to be closed-minded.

Besides, if it does turn out to be true it would explain a lot of things. I think my favourite wild theory out there is that Mary, mother of Jesus, was artificially inseminated. Like we do with livestock. If nothing else it's fascinating to ponder the implications.

Do you drive? Yes. Pretty gutsy too, if I say so myself. My mum used to drag race so I guess it's both a hereditary as well as a learned thing.

If so, have you ever crashed? Only once, and that was an actual accident. The conditions were super icy so we were already going 20km below the limit, and I was hanging back, but what happened was the car infront of me hit the car infront of them, and when I slammed on the brakes I just slid about 15-20 feet right into their rear end anyways. Nobody got hurt except for my car; she took the worst of it. The car I hit basically just had to pop the dent back out and it was like I hadn't made contact. Lucky badstards. There were a ton of similar accidents that day so everything got wrapped up pretty quick.

What was the last book you read?

It's been so long since I've completed one, mostly because everything these days sucks ass, so I don't remember what it was. The ones I'm currently reading however are The Rowan by Anne McCaffrey and Burial Rites by Hannah Kent

Do you like the smell of gasoline? Clean, quality gasoline? Yes. Dirty low quality gasoline? No.

What was the last movie you saw?

Galaxy Quest (1999)

Do you have any obsessions right now? Not really, no. I mean, technically all things Bioware and my pony, but those are more of a glowering embers kind of love. Not the raging wildfire kind that overtakes the mind and turns you into a fanatic

Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

Eeeehhhhhh, yes and no. Like I won't actively hate you cause why tf would I waste the energy, so it's whatever, but I will also always keep you at arm's length so idk

Are you in a relationship? No, nor do I want to be. I'm enjoying just being on my own and allowing myself to grow as a person. I don't do relationships just for the sake of being in one, or because of this ridiculous notion people seem to have that you aren't complete/a whole person without a significant other. I'm only interested in end-game, and I'm not ready to be open for that right now ✌

Bonus: What's an annoying/bad habit that you have? Talking the shit out of everything. And I swear. A lot. More in my head than out loud, though.

[richietozierluv]

Hi! Can I have a ship? Im 5’ 3". I have purple and red (not very long) hair, brown eyes. I like to talk and maybe I can be really annoying, but I’m also kind and gentle. I love to laugh and make others laugh. I’m a very curious, laud person (with good imagination). I can be shy but it is easy to enrage me. I believe in destiny and astrology. I love read and watch movies or shows. I LOVE to make a new friends and stuff. Love traveling and loud music. Thank you💜

hi lovely!! thanks for being my first ship woo!

- you met when richie had accidentally pushed you over at the movies, ben held out his hand and helped you up, and held on for longer than necessary

- you’re taller than him by the smallest amount and you always give him shit for it, but he doesn’t care cause it’s easier for him to put his head on your shoulder

- when you first dyed your hair, he HATED it, and it wasn’t until a week later when you found out he’d written so many poems about you and the color of your hair at the time

- the day he introduced you to new kids on the block, he was so nervous, but you blasted the speaker and spent hours lying on his bed talking about everything: at times you’d be the only one talking, completely not on track with the original conversation, and he’d be staring at you, his mouth twitching trying to hide his smile every time you turned on your side to look back at him

- ben didn’t want you to meet his friends for the longest time, he was worried you’d choose them over him: but the day you went down to the quarry and introduced yourself, you flipped richie off, and turned back to ben, grabbed his hand, and jumped

- that was the day he realized he had a big fat crush on you

- he tried to ignore it, and it didn’t help that richie would always poke fun at you guys and make kissing noises when you weren’t looking

- and it didn’t help that you had a big fat crush on ben too: you were silently killing him with everything you did for him, you’d always get his favourite ice cream before he asked, you drew circles into his back when he came to you crying, after the bowers gang got to be too much

- the day you decided to write him a poem - just to try it - he was on the brink of internal combustion, you’d titled the poem, “ben, my boy” and the amount of times he went over those words with his thumb, you’d think it’d been imprinted onto him

- you watch movies together all the time, and you’re always talking over the dialogue, but ben prefers to listen to you anyways

- on most days when you’re both hanging out with the others, you break into laughter and can’t stop even when the others are finished laughing, and have started throwing things at you to shut up: you only stop after ben tells you that you have a very nice laugh and both of your faces go red

- ben finally decided he wanted to ask you out: unfortunately, he went to richie for advice

- you and ben were walking home from a movie, it was night, and ben gave you his hoodie: it was too big for you, and it smelled like popcorn. you had to roll up your sleeve to hold ben’s hand

- “you must b-be the sun, and i must be the earth”

“ben, what-”

“the closer w-w-we get, the hotter you become”

you had to stop walking because you were laughing so hard “please tell me you’re not giving me” you snorted, “a richie pickup line”

- he walked you home with sweaty hands, and he almost couldn’t look you in the face: until you reached your house and kissed him on the cheek and thanked him

- “every time i look at you i feel like an astronaut - your beauty makes me float”

he left you with burning cheeks and butterflies in your stomach

this reads like a fic i hope that’s okay omg but i hope you liked it and i hope i did it right because i haven’t really seen any ships but i guess ill do some research lol… and ty for requesting bby!

[sabraeal]

i got tagged by @l0chn3ss....again, over a week ago....I’M CATCHING UP I PROMISE

1. How did you come up with your username and what does it mean?

I think I just have always used this username for internet things. I picked it back when I was working on a fic that involved a hierarchy of angels -- Sabraeal’s dominion is healing and illness. It seemed apropos, back when I was certain I was going to cure cancer with my biology degree

2. Which fanfic of yours has the most feedback? (bookmarks/favorites, follows/subscriptions, visitor hits, kudos)

In a move that surprises no one, Seven Suitors for Shirayuki on AO3.

On tumblr it is Were Hearts Not an Unknown Country

3. What is your FFnNet/AO3 profile icon, and why did you choose it?

It’s the same as my tumblr icon, and I love it. @heartamplifier made it for me and it is gorgeous

4. Do you have any regular/favourite commenters?

Besides @superhappybubbleslove and @claudeng80 on tumblr, I have a handful of semi=regular commenters on AO3 who I don’t know personally but would probably die for

5. Is there a fanfic that you keep going back to read again and again?

I feel like not one SPECIFICALLY. I have phases where I’m like, time to go hurt myself and read ISM’s fics, or like time to go read sarah’s regency fic and scream about how i want them to make out, or like let’s read the sexy alt timeline to Ever After again because I feel like lightly suffering. Sometimes I get in the mood for fics from other pairings I love and go read their greatest hits

6. How many stories are you subscribed to? How many do you have bookmarked?

I had 46 bookmarked and 7 stories subbed to

7. Which AU do you find yourself writing the most?

Modern AUs, for some reason, and when I’m lucky, fantasy/magic AUs

8. How many people are subscribed and bookmarked to you in total? (you can view this on the stats page)

57 user subscriptions, 345 fic subscriptions, 487 bookmarks

9. Is there something you’d like to write about but are afraid of people judging you for it? (Feeling brave? If so, share it!)

Not...overly? Though I just realized I might be signing myself up for shark dick, Shape of Water-esque smut and I just....don’t know how i feel about that turn in my life.

10. Is there anything you would like to be better at? Writing certain scenes or genres, replying to comments, updating better, etc.

I’d love to be able to focus more when I write. I have such little non-baby time to write, and I can have a real problem buckling down and getting stuff done. Thanks ADD, you’re a real peach/

11. Do you write rarepairs or popular ships more often?

Uhhhhh well, I guess popular ships, since Obiyuki EXPLODED since I started writing for it. But I do have some rare pair content coming up, so my time right now is split

12. How many stories have you posted on FFNet/AO3 to this day (finished and unfinished)?

I have 40 works, though some of those are collections of one-shots, so that’s anyone’s guess, honestly

13. How many stories do you have saved in/with your writing program?

I am not counting that, lord have mercy.

14. Do you write down story ideas, or just keep them in your head?

Write them down! As long as I’ve decided they’re gonna get written, everything gets written down (unless it’s SUPER short)

15. Have you ever co-authored a story?

NOT YET

16. How did you discover FFNet/AO3?

Oh children. Children. I’m over 30. I was THERE when that shit was made.

17. Do you consider yourself to be a popular or famous author in your fandom(s) on FFNet/AO3?

I’d say in terms of ANS, yes, but it’s a big fish, small pond situation. In terms of popular authors in bigger fandoms, I am a very, very small fish

18. Do you have a nickname or fandom name for your readers?

I....do not?

19. Was there an author who inspired or encouraged you to write?

Not...specifically? I was always really driven to write. In terms of fandom...I think I only was so determined to post Seven Suitors because I thought @infinitelystrangemachinex needed to be able to read more than 2 good fics that weren’t her own writing

20. What writing advice would you give to a beginning author?

Enjoy the process. If you’re only focused on telling the events, you’ll always be bored after you’ve outlined the story. Get pumped for showing off your skills.

You can’t improve in a vacuum. Talk out your plots with people. Let people edit your shit. Too many times people think they have to do it alone, and that’s how you stagnate as a writer.

Take writing advice from people you want to write like. Anon comments, random comments -- none of them matter, because you have no idea whether what these people want align with how you want to write. Listen to them, sure, decide if there’s something in it you can use, but -- this person could think Twilight was a good romance. Or Tolkein was good at character development. You don’t need their opinion.

21. Do you plot out your stories, or do you just figure it out as you go?

I always know where I’m going. Maybe not SOLIDLY, but I don’t start a fic where all I know is the beginning

22. Have you ever gotten a bad comment on a story? If so, what did you do?

HAHAH YEP. I deleted it. It’s one thing to have constructive criticism (whether it’s helpful or not), but this was basically “don’t think this is mindless hate...*two comments worth of mindless hate*”

23. Is there a certain type of scene that you have a hard time writing? (action, smut, etc..)

Anything with a lot of limbs

24. What story(s) are you working on now?

SO MANY. I have a Seven Suitor’s B-side, a Suzuri WFB fic, a stupidly huge mitsukiki mermaid AU, the next chapter of Merry & Bright, the next chapter of Sensitive Negotiations, and sometimes I even get to pick away at the second part of the Stripper!Shirayuki fic

25. Do you plan your next project(s) before you finish your current ongoing story(s)?

Yep. I like knowing where my focus will be (though I tend to work on multiple things at once)

26. Do you have a daily writing goal set for yourself?

I try to have fic-related goals, like -- I’ll finish this scene, i’ll get to this part -- and I try to have a few fics i get through in a day (between 2-4, usually). But I also only dedicate two 20-minute sprints to each fic per day (except on saturdays, which are for plowing through fics close to being finished)

27. Do you think you’ve improved as a writer since you first started?

DEFINITELY

28. What is your favorite story(s) that you’ve written?

Only looking at finished fics, probably either A Lion to Terrify the Wolves or Creatures of a Brief Season

29. What is your least favorite story(s) that you’ve written?

I don’t think there’s any specific fic i don’t like? Maybe something I wrote as a teeny tiny, that never saw the light of day.

30. Where do you see yourself (as a writer) in 5 years?

Hopefully published? We’ll see. Have to have time to work on original things, first.

31. What is the easiest thing about writing?

Dialogue

32. What is the hardest thing about writing?

Keeping track of all the details over a long period of time *deep sigh*

33. Why do you write?

I enjoy telling stories! I can’t imagine not doing it

for tagging.... @superhappybubbleslove, @infinitelystrangemachinex, @thelionshoarde, @claudeng80 @codango

[parisstreet]

How To Salvage A Version Of A Song Called ‘The Dress Song’

The newest Paris Street album, 15th Street – Part Three, features 10 alternate versions and/or alternate mixes of previously released songs, some of which people actually like! Starting this week, I’m doing the same shit I did with the prior two albums, rambling on a bit about each song. These will be shorter than the other ones, I think. Enjoy!

The song: The Dress Song (First Band Attempt)

When was it originally written? In May or June of 2005. About two-thirds of it was written while driving to the movie theater to watch Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge Of The Sith. I re-watched that movie for the first time earlier this year and quickly realized that I didn’t remember a single thing from that original viewing in 2005. Anyway, it actually wasn’t bad, definitely the best of that particular trilogy, which probably isn’t saying much. I know it’s easy to shit on those three films, but I’d argue that there is more creativity in those prequels than in any of the other Star Wars movies, especially compared to Episodes 7 through 9. So if you get yourself a nice consistent buzz going and ignore the dialogue, the prequels are worth checking out again.

In conclusion, Rogue One is the best Star Wars film.

May I hear the original version? Sure. Hope you like accordion (I do).

Are there any other versions of this song? Nah.

Okay, that’s a lie. There’s a different version on the Curtains album, one that is more consistent with the way we played it at shows. I swear the song sounded good at shows, but the version on Curtains just doesn’t come together very well (I dig the organ solo, though).

The reason I’m releasing this version is because of what the Curtains version lacks. That would be Jack’s guitar playing – sadly absent from the Curtains version – which totally rips in this version. Jack saves the song, as he tends to do often, which makes it easier to overlook the fact that the lyrics haven’t aged particularly well.

When and where was this version recorded? Oh man, can we just talk some more about Star Wars?

No? Okay. What follows is going to be vague (because I truly have forgotten a lot of details) and told as diplomatically as possible (because I don’t want to direct ill words towards anyone).

The band has pretty much always operated as ‘me + whoever is up for playing and putting up with my shit’. Throughout most of 2006, though, the band had gelled quite a bit as a 5-piece consisting of myself on guitar and vocals, Jack on guitar and sometimes bass, his spouse Neely on vocals, Darrin on bass and sometimes keyboards, and my friend Mark on drums. This period is probably the best the band ever sounded, so it made sense to start getting some recordings down for a debut album.

Jack offered to do the recording at his and Neely’s duplex in Murfreesboro. So myself, Darrin, and Mark headed over there from Nashville for a hopefully-fruitful day of recording.

Unless a band is recording everything live to tape, the usual process for recording is to lay down the drum tracks first, then the rest of the band records their parts off of that. That meant Mark, the drummer, was up first. Mark had been playing with me almost from the start, and had played these songs more often than anyone else. We even toured together as a duo in 2005. He knew the songs well and could play the hell out of them.

The problem, though, was that Mark felt that he could play better if----oh fuck it, he fucking sucked that day, absolutely fucking sucked miserably because he was too stoned to keep fucking time, which completely ruined the recordings. I remember this detail exactly!!!!!

Anyway, a short while after that, Jack got in touch with me and said he didn’t think he could salvage the recordings. I asked him to give me a copy of the songs regardless. I listened to them once, copied them to an external hard drive, labeled it ‘The Abortion Sessions’, and left the files untouched until earlier this year.

Mark was out of the band not long after that, with Darrin switching over to the drums. Solo would have worked better if the main character was some random dude in the Star Wars universe – that way, they could have focused on an entertaining heist story without having to shoehorn all that backstory that no one really asked for.

What’s it about? I’ve actually already told the story of the song on this here Tumblr page 4 years ago, back when people still looked at Tumblr (for the b00bs).  You can read about it here if you wish.

Why’d it take so long to release?  I really thought the songs from that session were a lost cause, so they rested carbonite-style for years in that hard drive that was at my storage unit in Nashville. When I briefly stopped in Nashville this April, I swung by the storage unit and picked up the hard drive. With some anxiety, I gave a listen to the session for the first time in years. There was definitely percussive suckiness a-plenty, but I has happy to find that it wasn’t a complete loss. For one, I had forgotten that Jack had actually sent me two different mixes of this song – one with the drums, and one without. You can probably guess which one I included for this album.

There was also a version of ‘Toes’ that – aside from some unnecessary drum hits at the beginning (which at least were on beat) – was actually pretty good. It will pop up here later.

Which version is better? I really, really love Jack’s guitar-playing on this version. The original version is sonically superior and has a nice vibe to it, but fantastic guitar-playing will beat accordion almost every time.

  15th Street – Part Three is out now via Bandcamp, Spotify, and all the other streamers. All proceeds from Bandcamp sales will go to The Detroit Creativity Project. Part One and Part Two are available now. A sampler of songs from the 15th Street series can be found here.

 Previously: I Do (Slowly).

[lit--bitch]

Current-Reads (10/05/2020 - 17/05/2020) 🍎🐔

(Disclosure: Don’t think I know anyone this week (and sadly Édouard Levé is no longer alive) and I don’t know anyone personally working within these publications/presses bc I am a loner, apart from Hobart actually I do know EE from Hobart.) Preface as always: Every Sunday without fail I throw up the freshest literature and photography I’ve read over the week, sometimes it’s a book, or a piece I saw in a magazine or an online zine, maybe it’s something I saw on social media, etc. If I add ‘RECOMMEND’ next to a few of the titles, but that’s not to say I don’t recommend all of them, I just love some pieces more than others. Not everything will be everybody’s cup of tea, yanno, c’est la vie. And any titles that you see in bold are hyperlinked so if you click or tap them they’ll direct you straight to the source… or shopping basket.   I check all the writers and their social media (i.e. I stalk them and their bios) to make sure I absolutely get their pronouns correct, I don’t just blindly assume hes and shes, etc. So in case anyone’s concerned about that, dw I do this shit properly.

This week’s been weird, I’m starting to feel like I’m dissolving a bit. The lockdown feels like culture now. The last time I went to a bar seems like a dream. Some of the work I’ve read over the past few days has compounded this dazed feeling I’ve been having, and I’ve been dipping into a lot of work which was published way before this pandemic hit, like back in September 2019. I’ve been rereading Édouard Levé’s Autoportrait which is one of my favourite books. I’ve been reading a poet I came across in Glass: A Journal of Poetry, Carolee Bennett. I discovered a new writer I’ve fallen hard for, his name’s Richie Hofmann and I’m torn between talking about his recent publication in Hobart and the piece he did in The New Yorker a while back (I guess I’m gonna talk about both), his poetry is so delicate and intimate, it’s like it breathes on the back of your neck. I loved Michael Sutton’s poems on 3:AM Magazine’s Poem Brut series and am now anticipating his next collection. Sarah Cavar’s a complete family / hstry was another piece in 3:AM which I kept reading over and over. 

***

Sarah Cavar’s a complete family / hstry, 3:AM Magazine, (RECOMMEND): The discourse around hysterectomy in writing generally tbh, is very small, practically non-existent. The number of people willing to talk about it outside of a medical, clinical sense is rare. Like abortion, it’s something people don’t talk about, they rarely unpack it in essays or poetry or what have you. It would be kind of obvious to say here that Sarah Cavar’s piece on 3:AM is brave (which of course it absolutely is), because how many people do you know are talking about hysterectomies in the context of trans-identity? But it’s the way they write about this experience, with an enviable, vivid gift for description. Sentences I loved: ‘Blood is a lineage. It begins in the toilet, rings of icing suspended in liquor. [...] The following morning I am discharge with my age-restricted scars [...] ‘The stitches were dissolving; they said goodbye in crimson streams. [...] Finally I told her to leave the room, wrangling my vagina, this traitorous beast’. Another line I love, which is just so powerful, ‘There is something poetic in scarring the site of the umbilical cord. I deny the very people whose (re)productive efforts rendered me possible; upended the dynasty whose heterosexual ehiteness brought them from poverty to vermount and priceless menus.’ It’s articulate and personal and deeply self-aware, and it’s that way from the off. Immediately I was drawn in by that play on words in the title, ‘a complete family / hstry’, hstry playing on history and hysterectomy here. There’s parts to this piece, this self-reflective voice which reminds me of Sontag’s diaries, the way Sarah breaks lines (this is particularly strong in the NOTES — ESSAY ENDING section). They also have a flair for dialogue, a way of pulling a reader into their periphery and having these difficult conversations with family members, wrestling with discomforting terms like ‘ramifications’. The violence of the relationship one has with their body, ravaged by identity. Internalising the reaction from parents whose hopes of becoming grandparents is no longer. As essays go, this is one of the most insightful, articulate and self-aware pieces of transgender literature I’ve ever read. It’s something that myself, I’m not at all equipped to understand, because I don’t share Sarah’s experience, I can’t pretend to believe I even get it. But they write with accessibility and profundity, acknowledging their being as the final sentence in their family tree (what a powerful thing to hold). A writer to watch.

Michael Sutton, poem brut #92 — music / lyrics, 3:AM Magazine (RECOMMEND):  The fusion of note as word and as trebel clef, reinvented into fantastical illustrations. The first piece on here has a ‘creature-ness’ to it, I wonder of the animal in the notes pegged as sheets of music. Some of them feel more like graffiti, and I’m perplexed by what these new lyrics intimate, their renewed musicality in being cut up and stuck elsewhere. These are amazing pieces and I’m anticipating this collection’s release from Hesterglock Press in July.  

Carolee Bennett, ‘Prettier When You Smile’ in Glass Poetry (RECOMMEND): I don’t know how I came across this piece, but it was published two years ago. I hungered for the nostalgia of sitting in a bar and eavesdropping on conversations, as Carolee Bennett does in this poem. Her note about this piece is really interesting, and I wouldn’t have guessed it as a partial collection of fragments from conversations, it kind of wrestles with the subjective voice as commentary and the objective role as listener to these ongoing conversations around her. There’s a solitude to the writing, but it’s not ill at ease with it, it’s comfortable solitude on a bar stool. I really loved this line: ‘The ones we love depart. / We squeeze in and out of anguish / like bees, no opening too small. The hive begins / with single cell. Our vocabulary for this kind of busy work is limited: disease, / disease, disease.’ It’s a really beautiful, complicated cocktail straddling thought and response, and reminds me of a time where we could do that, we could sit in a bar and listen to a human’s hum. And the themes of disease, death and intimacy in ‘Prettier When You Smile’ are more evident and conscious in our minds today, in an ongoing pandemic. Bowie says it best: Planet Earth is blue and there’s nothing I can do. Richie Hofmann, ‘The Romans’ (Hobart) / ‘French Novel’ (The New Yorker) (RECOMMEND): I read Richie’s first piece in Hobart this week and thought it was so delicate and vivid. Then I stalked him a bit and read more of his work. There’s something pre-Raphaelite about his writing, I don’t know if that sounds shitty and pretentious, but I just see his poems are paintings in my head, or even sculptures, like they seem to embody an architecture to them. It’s just the way he reminisces and articulates his lovers; it’s almost metaphysical. ‘French Novel’ in particular I just found fragrant, it’s like I could smell red wine and bedsheets and humidity and snow slush. I can sense the texture. And then ‘The Romans’ had a movement and a colour to it I could just see and feel. He has a flair for articulating scenery; as a reader, I’m in his eyes and I’m absorbing every detail. I could feel this new lover wafting the Polaroid, the shake. The tangibility of his memories is so potent, you feel as if you’re there, not as a witness but actually within the experience. 

Édouard Levé, Autoportrait (RECOMMEND): I started reading Édouard Levé just over a year ago, and it was in this tumultuous episode of my life where I wasn’t really writing. If I did, I was forcing myself, and living in London was making me feel really depressed, although I now wonder whether that was more because of my MA and not the city. Édourd Levé was the best thing I got out of my course, and he came at a specific juncture when I was trying to understand how I could merge writing into photography, without taking photographs. I was investigating that relationship between the written and the visual. Autoportrait is a photo album in sentences. It’s a portrait of Édouard Levé himself, who committed suicide in 2007. He crafts this text masterfully, each sentence is like the shutter firing inside a camera, capturing an image, a new angle to his personage. For that reason it’s an intensely personal read. He oscillates between memories in time within the act of writing as memory, there’s a kind of meta-ness to it, a cubist quality to the text as a whole. He doesn’t start with his birth to his current present, rather the structure of the work is a series of non-sequiturs, a stream of consciousness stuck between frames. Sentences are mostly short, the longer you read, the more investigative and analytical it feels, into a forensic analysis of what makes Édouard, Édouard. It’s a book I go back to all the time, and the more I replay this series of images, the more unreadable it becomes. It’s also particularly surreal and disconcerting reading it now, as an artefact of Édouard Levé when he was alive. There is a coldness to his voice, a dismissiveness, and from the off it’s clear that his mental disposition, his depression, is a huge force in his life, the central focus to which all his perceptions, his affirmations, his unbothered demeanour seems to emerge from. The acuity of his self-description is pained by disconnection to the world around him, and that’s synonymous with the way he articulates himself in  disconnected fragments. It’s one of those books you can read once and walk away from, but it leaves you altered and dazed, like the way you feel after watching a strange film in a dark cinema, returning to daylight. And since I picked up that text to read in class, Édouard Levé’s always stayed with me. 

***

That is everything from me for this week. I will be taking next week away to read Ariana Reines’s A Sand Book. It’s a big one and it’s gonna take me some time to read and think and write about it. I’ve also figured out that the quality of my reviews will generally be better if I give myself more time to sit down and think, so I’m going to be posting my reviews now every other Friday as opposed to every Friday (or around then, past couple of weeks it’s been on Sats and Suns). My reviews do border on being full blown essays, and they take a lot of time to put together because I prefer to go into detail. Obviously I can’t keep generating these big pieces in a week turnaround at a quality I’m happy with, that was always going to be too ambitious of me. BUT I don’t think Current-Reads will change, because I’m always reading small bits throughout the week anyway, and I’m happy to keep doing that every Sunday still. 

NOTE TO WRITERS I AM REVIEWING: If I’ve said I’ll review your work and given you a date for when that review will be, that will still be the date I’ll review your work for. It won’t change. Scout’s honour. 

[glitxhwayventeen]

Lonely Hearts Club

Seokmin: Chapter 1 (One More Light)

Characters: Seokmin x female reader

Genre/Warnings: multi-member au (different scenarios), werewolf au, fantasy, angst, potential blood mentions, genocide mentions, runaway mentions, emotional manipulation? (If you can call it that? Idk you decide), mental illness (depression implied), sexual mentions, mentions of death, mentions of violence. Any others will be put as warnings when future chapters are thought up/written.

Author’s Note: This story is gonna be a bit of a heart puller. Sorry. But for this chapter anyways, I recommend listening to One More Light by Linkin Park because it really goes well with this chapter.

Please remember that all of these chapters and the content within them are a work of fiction! They’re just for fun/entertainment!

Bold= Dialogue Italics= Thoughts

🥀

Lonely Hearts Club Master List

Chapter 1: One More Light

The way you moved was devastating. The way you laughed was harmonious. The way you smiled was infectious. The way you smelt was intoxicating. He’s been so giddy ever since you came through their doors. He finally found you.

His brothers had told him to wait and be patient, but who was he kidding, waiting was impossible for someone like him. He always had so much love to give. When he loved, he loved with all his heart. So it’s no surprise that he was already in love with his mate that he’d only known for a few days. He had told you he had imprinted on you the day after you woke up from your injury, three days ago. Your response was less than ideal, you simply let out an “okay” and walked the other way. He couldn’t lie, your reaction stung him a bit, he wanted you to be just as in love with him as he was with you.

You were really cold to him. Colder than you were with anyone else in the house. But he understood that that can happen sometimes and that it could take you some time to come to terms with having a mate. He was just hoping that time would speed up so he could reach his happily ever after sooner.

-

As you walked downstairs for dinner, you saw him sitting there again. Your eyes automatically went to him when he was in a room, you couldn’t stop it. No matter how hard you tried, your body’s natural reaction was to want to see him. He was already looking at you, before you had even made it fully down the stairs, with stars in his eyes. You couldn’t help but scoff under your breath.

Your stupid instincts once again had fucked you over. That’s what that new feeling you felt on the first day was, you had imprinted on a young wolf in Seungcheol’s pack. But You didn’t want a new mate. You didn’t NEED a new mate. You just wanted to be left alone. You just wanted to be left alone to die. But NOOOOO. They HAD to come and play heros and save you and keep you from seeing the end of a silver bullet. You understood that they were just trying to help, so you weren’t really upset with them, just more so sad that you had to continue with your shitty life.

While you were sitting down at the kitchen table eating, you could feel his eyes on you, watching your every move like you were some sort of goddess. The feeling had your skin tingling. You hated it. Because, now that you had a mate, you knew you could go into heat. You’ve never had that problem before, you weren’t mature enough back then to experience it. But you knew it could end up VERY bad if you weren’t careful now that you were able to go through it.

Being in the same room with him was getting harder and harder. It felt like the room was getting hotter and hotter. Like you were suffocating in his delicious aroma. You couldn’t keep this up. By tomorrow, you knew you’d want to hump his brains out. And you DEFINITELY didn’t want that to happen.

You couldn’t deal with it much longer, as you finished your last few bites of your dinner, a reeling hot flash hit you when your eyes met and he looked deep into your icy blue orbs. You were sweating and you felt like your every layer of skin was being peeled back to expose all your nerves. The slight breeze in the room was making things that much worse. Fuck. You HAD to get out of there before this shit got more out of hand.

You quickly got up from your chair and washed your plate in their sink. It startled quite a few of the pack members around you and their mates because no one else had done that just yet. The boys could… smell- that something was different about you. They didn’t know what exactly as they had never even been around or heard of a female wolf before, but they still knew SOMETHING was weird with you. They just couldn’t put their finger on it. Even so, they tried to continue their dinner as nonchalantly as possible as if nothing was out of the ordinary.

“Well SOMEBODY’S in a rush” joked Joshua, who had his mate all but sitting on his lap feeding her portions of her food.

“Yeah (Y/N). You good?” Mingyu asked in a similar manner, but you could see he was actually curious as to why you wanted to make a sudden exit from the table.

“Yeah. I- uh- I’m fine. I just need to head back to my den tonight. I’ve been away too long and I- um- I need to go make sure everything’s alright.” You stuttered while not looking at any of them and with quite a bit of hesitation. You were hoping none of them would question why you were so on edge and why you wanted to leave. But obviously with Seokmin there, your hopes had been smashed to pieces the second he spoke up.

“You’re leaving??? You can’t leave! I mean- I didn’t mean it like that but- I mean, you still aren’t healed properly. You could get hurt again!” The frantic words left his mouth as soon as you had finished your own sentence moments before.

You couldn’t leave him, he just found you. He HAD to make you stay somehow. He couldn’t just let you walk away without knowing whether or not you’d come back to him. His heart was beating out of his chest in panic, what was he gonna do if you left him??

“I’ll be fine. I’ve taken care of myself for a long time now. I appreciate you guys helping me out but-” you tried to brush off their worry, wanting to make a quick get away as soon as possible. But Seokmin stood up from his seat and hurriedly retorted your little speech.

“But nothing! You still have a hard time walking around without holding onto something. There’s no way you’re leaving in this state!” He gestured with his hands as he got closer to you.

God, did he have to smell so fucking good? You had to shake the thought off, you had to control yourself. You had one focus right now and that was to leave before you did irreversible damage.

“Who are you my father? I can leave if I want to!And i WANT to leave! I have other things I have to do and I won’t put them on hold any longer! I can’t!” You punctuated your sentence by throwing your hands in the air.

“Seokmin’s right (Y/N). You still aren’t doing your best. If you’re not careful, you could get yourself killed. It’s probably best you stay here at least for another few days.” Hansol tried as the pack’s resident doctor in an attempt to keep his brother from going crazy at the idea of losing his mate so soon.

They all really liked you, even if you weren’t… the warmest person towards their packmate. They all could see you were just putting on a brave face. They didn’t want you to go run off and get yourself in trouble without them backing you up.

“I can’t! I have important business to attend to this week. I can’t put it on hold just because I’m still not 100% better. I have to go” you say, standing your ground as best you could with Seokmin standing right in front of you with his stupidly warm glowing aura that made you wanna tackle him to the ground with kisses.

You just wanted to grab his beautiful face and let him take you right then and there from the way he was biting his lip while looking at you. The thought made you shiver. But you couldn’t give in to those thoughts. You WOULDN’T give in to those thoughts. You didn’t want a new mate. You didn’t want him, you had to keep reminding yourself. But You NEEDED to get out of there, for both your sakes.

Seokmin was in a panic. He couldn’t lose you. What if you never came back? What if you go hurt? What if you ran away? What if he never saw you again? He couldn’t risk losing you. He couldn’t. He looked to Seungcheol, who was sitting at the table stroking his mate’ thigh, for help.

“Okay how ‘bout this (Y/N), You go finish whatever business it is that you need to finish and a few of us will check up on you in a couple of days to make sure you’re alright? That’s fair right? Besides, you’ll definitely need another healing session or two before you’ll be able to defend yourself fully alone again” Seungcheol suggested.

He knew his brother didn’t want you to leave their house, but he also knew forcing you to stay was definitely not the right thing to do in this situation. He knew trying to leash you down would only make you resent them and more defiant. At least this way, they could still make sure you were alright and you’d get some independence. Everyone would win. Seokmin had a little whine emit from his chest at the thought of not seeing you for a while, causing Cheol to look to his brother’s depressed face. Well… everyone would win except Seokmin that is…

“Fine! If that���s what it’ll take for you guys to let me go, fine. But I NEED to leave and I need to leave like yesterday!” You repeatedly tapped your foot to the ground, almost waiting for some sort of reaction from them.

Hansol got up from his seat, “Okay. How about we make sure you get to your cave safely? That way we can make sure we know you got there okay and we’ll know how to find you later for your check up.”

“Fine. That’s fine, whatever. But I need to go now!” you declared while heading for the door, knowing full well you didn’t bring anything to their home but the clothes on your back.

You never really owned anything anyways. You had to move around and run so much that you never thought it a good idea to own too many material possessions.

“Better get going then.” Seokmin said semi-coldly, not really wanting you to leave, but also realizing that he didn’t get much of a say.

-

On your way to your den, it was decided that Hansol, Jeonghan, Jun, and Seokmin would accompany you on the journey. They wanted to be sure they had enough people that would know where you were staying so they had multiple people who could find you later. They wanted an Alpha to go with you to make sure the boys stayed in line, mostly Seokmin, so they had Jeonghan go. Jun went because you were more comfortable with him as you were both foreigners and kind of hit it off, making fast and perfect friends. Hansol went because he was the pack’s healer and he would more than likely be one of the ones to check on you later. And of course, Seokmin went because he wanted to spend every possible second he could with you.

It wasn’t that far, an hour or two’s walk in human form at best. But You wanted to just dash there in your wolf form so you could get there. It irritated you that you couldn’t already shift to a more familiar form that you were used to and felt more safe in. Though you knew the boys with you just wanted to protect you, so you made the slow walk to your little home next to the boys.

“Hey (Y/N). Can I ask a question?” Jun spoke out of no where next to you.

“I mean you can ask, doesn’t mean you’ll necessarily get an answer though.” You causally let out, stepping over a big rock in order to continue your way to your den. You didn’t mean it in a mean way, the boys all knew that, it was just your personality. You preferred to keep things short, blunt, and sarcastic, kinda the exact opposite of your mate’s style.

Jun bit his lip and played with his large thumbs before his voice echoed out again, “Well I mean, I could hear you talking in your sleep these last few nights, We all could. It sounded like you were having quite a few nightmares. Does-Does that happen a lot?” He questioned, trying his absolute best not to offend you in the process.

“Eh. Yeah I guess, it’s not that big a deal though. You get used to it after a while.” You answered, not really wanting to elaborate but also knowing he wasn’t asking in a malicious way, more so in an ‘are you good bro?’ type of way.

“Oh okay. Well then can I ask who- who Cyrus is…?” Jun quietly stuttered again while trying hard to not upset you.

As the boys kept their walk going, you stopped for a moment. It didn’t go unnoticed by them so they halted as well. Jun, worried he had pushed you, tried to lighten the mood some more.

“I’m sorry (Y/N). I didn’t want to dig too deep into your personal life or anything. I just-” Jun spoke before you cut him off swiftly.

“No! I mean- it’s alright. I’d want to know if I was you guys too. I just… I- I haven’t heard his name said aloud in a long time ‘s all.” You responded while looking down at your feet as they started up their pace again.

They began following behind you as you continued with your answer to the Chinese wolf’s previous question, “Cyrus is- Cyrus WAS my mate” you croaked, trying to keep the tears back. You were NOT about to have some people you barely knew see you cry. No, that was definitely NOT happening.

“You- You had another mate?” Hansol said without even realizing he had added the word ‘another’ in his question.

It was still a bit of a touchy subject for both you and Seokmin as you hadn’t really accepted or denied him yet. This earned Hansol a nudge from Jeonghan. Seokmin, who had been staying quiet for most of the journey, was listening and processing your statement attentively. His heart rate sped up, you had another mate? It hurt him to think about it. He wanted to be your only one.

“Yeah. I- I did” you muttered, putting the word ‘another’ out of your mind and focusing on the question at hand, “A long time ago. He’s- He’s gone now. When he died… that’s when my nightmares started- that’s WHY my nightmares started.” You added, almost having reached your cave.

“… How did he- How did he die?” Seokmin let his voice out for the first time since you guys had left the house, startling you a bit.

You again hesitated to respond. You weren’t against talking about it. You just weren’t sure you wanted them to know just yet. You weren’t sure if you were ready for Seokmin to know just yet. But you knew you’d have to tell them all eventually, especially if they kept bugging you about it. So you decided to just sit the dirty laundry out and let it fall wherever it was meant to.

“Jun, you’re Chinese right?” You quizzed, slightly confusing them at the sudden question. They assumed you were just trying to change the subject.

“Yeah... I’m from Shenzhen.” He added, still very curious as to where your random ass knowledge came from.

“… You- You know what Lingchi is?” You say continuing to walk on.

As everyone else still kept walking the way to your den, Jun stopped entirely. His heart dropping at the word that you had linked to Seokmin’s earlier question. That’s what happened to him? That’s what happened to your MATE? The others didn’t understand, they didn’t know Chinese as they were all Korean and really had no need to learn a language that wasn’t used a whole lot in Korea. They knew a few words here and there do to having lived with Junhui and Minghao for so long and having had another Chinese pack for friends, but they never needed to know THAT word. At least, not until now.

“… That’s- That’s how he died?” Jun spoke up and all of you turned around at his distant voice. You could see the tears brimming on the brink of his water lines. He was sad for you. He was sad for your lost mate. He was sad at your whole situation and your whole backstory.

You cleared your seemingly very dry throat, “Yeah,” You said in a small voice, trying your best to hide any emotions that hit you like a rock through a window.

It upset you that while you were even speaking on such a serious topic, you were about to start heat and you still felt it creeping up on you. You tried to shake the dirtier thoughts away and just decided to do your best to get through it in one piece. You really wished that Seokmin would’ve stayed back at the pack’s house. He was making everything sooo much harder for you. You wanted to be able to be upset, but how could you when your every instinct at the moment was telling you to jump his bones?

“(Y/N), I’m so sorry… I- I didn’t know… I wouldn’t- I wouldn’t have asked if I had known.” Jun shook his head to flick the tears back and brought his hand to your small shoulder in comfort, looking at you with almost pleading eyes.

You gave him a small smile and put you little hand on top of his larger one and gave it a small squeeze, “It’s alright. It was a long time ago.” You whispered out, gently brushing his limb from your body as you started walking again, clearly indicating that you were too emotional to keep talking about the subject anymore. The others just followed your movements wordlessly, not really understanding the gravity of the whole situation like their brother did, but knowing that whatever it was you were talking about couldn’t have been good.

-

It was a few more minutes until you reached the mountain opening you were searching for. You had walked in silence the rest of the way there, the evidence of your and Jun’s serious topic still lingering in the air. The others had other conversations they wanted to have, but knowing that you spoke of your last mates demise without actually having an idea of what happened to him made them reluctant to speak.

“Okay.” Hansol finally broke the ice, “We’ll be back to check in on you in a couple of days okay? If you need us, don’t hesitate to give us a howl! Someone’s home at all times. We’ll find you. So don’t run out on us got it?” He joked as he lightly pushed your shoulder as a symbol of affection.

You had taken a liking to Hansol almost immediately, he was a very calm and positive person, he felt like your natural brother already. He made you feel like you were such an outcast and tried to make you feel included. So you lightly pushed his shoulder back playfully.

“Okay okay. I’ll be here don’t worry! Just give me like five or six days to get some stuff done. Then you’ll be able to check on me” you stated as you gave him a big bear hug, though you kept it short so you wouldn’t get too much contact that would aggravate your heat any further.

You went on and hugged the other boys too in similar ways, discluding Seokmin as you were worried that, if you touched him, you’d completely lose it. So you simply just gave him a head nod and said your goodbyes verbally. It hurt him that you didn’t give him a hug goodbye too since it would be a while since he saw you next, he didn’t even know why you wanted to go back to your cave or why you refused to be near him recently. So he took the lack of contact a bit more to heart than you had meant for him to, but still, he said nothing. He didn’t want to agitate you or risk you potentially not coming back due to his actions or words.

-

As the boys left the cave, one sure question was on all three of the boys minds.

“Hey Jun” Seokmin caught his brother’s attention as they walked home and were finally far enough away from your den to where you couldn’t hear them anymore.

“Yeah?” He responded cooly while cruising back down the path home.

“What’s Lingchi?” Seokmin questioned. All three of the Korean boys turned to him as they waited for an answer. Junhui gulped in response.

He really had to explain one of the worst things he could think of to his brothers, one of them being your current mate who would no doubt be seriously disturbed by the sudden declaration of your old mate’s fate. Perfect.

“Lingchi- it… it usually means… Lingering Death. When talking about- well- said death, it means- it means Slow Slicing.” Jun let out as he looked on while shoving his hands in his pockets as he tried to act off his discomfort of the topic at hand.

“Slow Slicing?” Jeonghan questioned, also wanting some sort of explanation or further elaboration on what Jun was talking about.

“Yeah. It- It’s also known as- I think you’d guys call it… Death By A Thousand Cuts.” Jun slowly let his words simmer out, trying his best to not sound affected by the thought of that happening to someone he had known’s mate.

“Tha- THAT’S how he died???” Seokmin panicked, knowing full well how that must have affected you. His heart felt like it had just gained 100 pounds in a matter of seconds.

“Yeah. They usually used some kind of sword… and they kept cutting shallow slices into a person until they bled to death. It’s- Death By A Thousand Cuts- it’s really a terribly slow and horribly painful way to die.” Jun reiterated while kicking a rock close to his feet.

He wasn’t even sure if he should’ve told them to begin with, it wasn’t his mate that met that fate after all, but he also knew that if he were you he wouldn’t have wanted to be the one who explained it. So he took it upon himself hoping you wouldn’t hate him later.

“Fuck.” Jeonghan breathed loudly as he ran his hand through his hair, having finally have reached the house.

“That’s fucking awful” Hansol added.

It was awful. Your mate died in one of the worst ways possible. And, from how bad your nightmares sounded, he figured you must have seen at least some of it. He felt terrible for you. And he was mad at himself for being slightly jealous earlier at the mention of your old mates name now. No wonder you were so cut off from him. You were numb. You didn’t want to go through that again, and he couldn’t blame you. If he saw that happen to you, he’d jump off a cliff and end it all.

Still, he promised himself that night that he’d do everything he could to get you to see that he would stay with you always and that he’d keep you safe forever. He was determined to show you that you’d never have to go through that again. He just needed to figure out how to do that in like five days. No fucking biggie or anything. Little did he know that five days from now, your past mate couldn’t have been further from your mind…

Another Author’s Note: Hi guys! So I just want to put out there that I’m not Chinese, I’m Mexican. I think I used the word right but if I didn’t, PLEASE let me know. I asked one of my friends for help with it, but she only uses conversational Mandarin with her family and isn’t 100% fluent. Everything I’ve looked up says that it’s the right word to use in Mandarin for it and use of the language was kind of essential for this particular chapter as I needed the suspense of having the characters have to ask someone later what it meant. Again PLEASE let me know if it’s wrong or if there’s a better word for it! Hope you guys liked this chapter because the next one will be super fun😉

(Updated 9/8)

[ahiddenpath]

14 Seeking Resonance

Hello Nons fanfic questions for Seeking Resonance.

1: what inspired you to write the fic this way?

Full disclosure: I am writing this story for myself.  It started out in April 2014 as a way for me to explore my thoughts on what makes long-term romantic partnerships work.  What I didn’t know- what I couldn’t have known- is that my beloved cat, who was with me from age 7-25, would die three months later, and that my health would seriously suffer in response.  Suddenly, the story exploded thematically.

2: what scene did you first put down?

The first scene.  I try to write from start to finish without skipping around, mostly because I change my mind a lot and often have to dispose of scenes that take place later if I write them in advance.  Sometimes I break this rule during nanowrimo when I desperately need to write something, lol.

3: what’s your favorite line of narration?

Oh, no!  Lol, I’m sorry, the story is like 140K words, I have no idea!  XD

4: what’s your favorite line of dialogue?

GUYS OKAY OKAY SO I WROTE THIS PHONE EXCHANGE DURING NANOWIMO IN 2015 AND I WAS SO STOKED TO GET TO IT.  Here is Taichi and Koushiro talking over each other and being ridiculous:

An exasperated sigh blew into his ear.  “Honestly, Taichi-san.  Be profane elsewhere.  I’m trying to work.”

“Koushiro!”  A flash of relief and surprise lightened his strain.  It didn’t even occur to him to pick at his friend for being up and probably working before sunrise.  “Thank God.  Shut up and listen.”

“Taichi-san-”  The dry disapproval that accompanied their typical repartee colored Koushiro’s voice.  Taichi grunted in response, but it sounded more like a growl.

“Shut up!  I’m with Eimi-”

“I’m aware-”

“I just called her an ambulance.  She’s nonresponsive and burning up.  She, she…”  His voice broke in a fashion he hadn’t heard since early puberty.  “She looks like shit, Koushiro.  I, I’m terrified.”

There was a short beat of silence, broken by a sharp intake of breath on the opposite line.  “What do I do?!”

“Uh-  Well-”  In any other situation, Taichi would have laughed at Koushiro for stalling and stuttering, but it scraped at his nerves now.  “Jyou keeps an emergency bag in the closet closest to his front door-”

“How the hell does that help me-”

“And he likely passed that habit onto Eimi-san.  Check and see if she has one.  It should contain clothing, personal items, insurance information, and the like.  And at this hour, you’re probably running around in boxers.”

Taichi was already sprinting towards the foyer closet, his feet crashing like thunder against the stairs.  He was, as Koushiro predicted, a pair of boxers away from being butt naked.  “Fuck you.”

“Charmed.  Find the bag, clothe yourself, and carry Eimi to the couch in the library; it’s closest to the front door.  Put something on her feet.  Text me the name of the hospital.  I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

“Koushiro-  Thank you.”  Taichi cut the call off without waiting for a reply, then shoved the phone under his armpit.  His bare feet slid against the hardwood as he cut his speed by the closet.

5: what part was hardest to write?

Oh, god.  Like… all of it, lol?  XD  I struggled so much with this story during nanowrimo 2015…  But I remember agonizing over both Mimi and Koushiro’s breakup and the chapter where Eimi finds Koushiro after the breakup T__T

6: what makes this fic special or different from all your other fics?

Currently, it’s my only story featuring the Chosen as adults (they’re about 30), and I think that’s a big part of why I’m so damned fond of it.  My darlings are wrestling with some of the problems and questions I deal with.  Sometimes I think it’s self-indulgent, but these are important issues.

7: where did the title come from?

Seeking Resonance uses musical terminology, with the first chapter titled Dissonance and introducing the problems in Koushiro and Mimi’s long-distance relationship.  Inevitably, the last chapter will be titled Resonance.  Each chapter is themed to a musical term.  Every character is battling with at least one issue that they need to see through for the story to achieve its resonance.

8: did any real people or events inspire any part of it?

My ideas about long-term partnerships are sprinkled throughout.  Eimi’s illness and the reevaluation everyone experiences afterward are inspired by my own sudden loss of health.  When my cat died, I was immobilized for four days.  My back seized from emotional strain, and overnight, I went from a healthy 25-year-old to an invalid who couldn’t walk, use the restroom, eat, bathe, or drink water unassisted.  It was temporary- I was back on my feet within a week- but the experience of being helpless and reevaluating life will never fade, nor will the fear of waking and realizing I couldn’t move. 

9: were there any alternate versions of this fic?

I’m still trying to nail down what everyone’s resonance will be x__x

10: why did you choose this pairing for this particular story?

I’m not even clear on what the final pairings will be tbh.

11: what do you like best about this fic?

I like that it’s just… about life.  There is no immediate plot; it’s simply about a bunch of dorks cool people trying to get their shit together, and it feels heartfelt, honest, and relevant.

12: what do you like least about this fic?

How hard it is to write.

Again, there is no driving plot in this story, so the pacing often feels sluggish.  It meanders too much, and I’m looking forward to tightening it when the first draft is finished and I know exactly what happens.

13: what music did you listen to, if any, to get in the mood for writing this story? or if you didn’t listen to anything, what do you think readers should listen to to accompany us while reading?

I can’t listen to music and write.  Sometimes I can get away with instrumental music…  The soundtrack to the 2005 Pride and Prejudice is my favorite.

Can you folks listen to music while you read?  My brain feels like it’s splitting in two, lol!

14: is there anything you wanted readers to learn from reading this fic?

15: what did you learn from writing this fic?

I’m grateful that I am writing this story at this time in my life…  In the last few years, I’ve come to understand how important things like health, relationships, and self-love are.  This story is all about identifying what matters to you and embracing it, shaping your life with your needs in mind.

Here are some take-aways I’ve been trying to teach myself, and anyone else who takes this ride with me:

-No man is an island.  We all need a clan.

-Check on your strong friend.  Check on the friend who is always checking on everyone else.  Check on the busy friend.  Check on the friend who has her shit together.  Check on the friend who is a hot mess.  Check in.  Be there.

-Being there is often enough.

-Success is different for everyone, and it rarely looks the way we’re told it does.  Think about what really matters and build your life around that.

-Home is rarely a physical place.

-If you want a long term partner, talk about how you will build your life together.  Does your shared vision appeal to both of you?

-EMOTIONS ARE HARD AHHHHH!!!!

I guess that’s it!  Thanks for your interest in SR!  I am working on the next chapter, but I have a lot going on right now, so please sit tight!  I also happily accept love and encouragement in review form, lol ;)

[artificialqueens]

Please Pick Up Now (Katlaska) - Aldonza

AN: Hey, I’m new here! This is inspired by the song Please Don’t Jump (It’s Christmas) by Dallon Weekes, because I’m always ready for Christmas angst, even in March. I hope ya’ll are too. It’s Katlaska, and they’re already pretty much in a relationship in this story, even though they haven’t explicitly called it that.

TW: talking about suicide and an almost attempt, so if you’re sensitive to mentions of that topic, this is not the story for you.

It’s another December, and Brian is fucking freezing. It’s Christmas Eve to be exact, and he’s alone in a hotel, standing on a balcony and watching the snow fall. As he watches, he looks up at the buildings towering around him, trying not to think about just how high off the ground they are.

Justin isn’t answering.

Brian has called three times in the last hour, and sure, that seems excessive. Justin could be sleeping, he could be watching Golden Girls, he could just not have his phone in his hand. But Brian knows him.

(They’re together a lot. Whenever they can be, and if they can’t be, they’re on the phone. Brian has become quite the expert on Alaska Thunderfuck, and he secretly prides himself on knowing how she works. Both are insomniacs, and many a night between them is spent texting about anything and everything. Fewer nights have been spent with them falling asleep in the same room, but Brian lives for the mornings when he wakes up to find that Justin has found his way into his arms like he belongs there.

He stares at the freezing phone in his hand, flipping through messages from Ginger and Trixie. Trixie has texted him multiple times, each slightly more urgent, with the last one being, “Brian, just let me know you didn’t kill yourself in some freak masturbation accident and I’ll fuck off". Jokes aside, he realizes that maybe she’s thinking the same thing about him that he’s thinking about Justin. He texts her something stupid and scrolls back up to J. He reviews the messages from that day for the hundredth time.

Dec 24th

3:46 AM

J: 🐍

3:55

B: Morning mother, did the voices instruct you to text me at this ungodly hour? 

3:56

J: the voices have have a lot of dumb shit to say tonight

J: miss you

3:58

B: Miss you too, Lasky. Is everything okay?

10:45

B: Merry Christmas Eve Morning from my one woman freakshow of a family to yours!

4:14

B: You haven’t talked to me all day, and it’s making me want to act out. I think I’m going to propose to Tracy to make you jealous and regret not giving me your constant undivided attention like I deserve. I’ll let you know how it goes.

4:21

B: She said “Could you try not making me contemplate murder on one of my top five favorite holidays?”, which I think means yes. Be my flower girl?

6:23

B: 🐍🐍🐍 What’s up?

7:44

B: Are you okay? Just let me know.

9:30

B: Seriously, what’s going on?

11:19

B: Justin, call me now.

He clicks call again and gets his voicemail. “You’ve reached Justin Honard, please leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible.” It’s so professional, so lifeless. He hates it every time he hears it. He hasn’t left any messages yet, but the beep surprises him out of his internal dialogue so he just says, “Justin, please pick up. I want to talk to you.”

(Justin doesn’t want to talk about it, whatever it is. Brian has tried so hard to get him to open up, to just trust him, but even though he’s helped Brian through panic attacks, mental breakdowns, and intrusive thoughts, Justin won’t let his guard down.

“Whatever you’re going though, you can tell me. I’m here for you, no matter how messy it is. Messy, cheap, manly queens just happen to be my favorite kind,” Brian tells him one night when they actually get to be in the same room. Justin just smiles. They’re in Brian’s hurricane of an apartment, lying on his bed. Justin’s on his back, looking up at Brian, who is next to him propped up on one arm.

Brian tries to push more, but he can tell Justin isn’t really listening. “I’m serious, I don’t know what’s going on with you but I want to help. Why are you looking at me like that?” and suddenly, Justin is leaning up to connect their lips. Their first kiss is everything Brian thought it would be, even though he knows it’s a tactic to get him to drop the subject.

“You can’t use your body as an alternative to talking,” he mumbles against Justin’s lips as he grips his hand tightly in his hair.

“But it’s so much more fun.”

Later that night, Brian hears Justin crying in the bathroom once he thinks he’s asleep.)

Brian knows Justin is alone, because he and Justin are infuriatingly similar. Justin has started drinking again, and even though he “never gets drunk on stage”, Brian knows that more and more of his nights are spent alone in his apartment, curled up on the floor.

Brian sees the three little dots pop up on the text message he has open for Justin, but they disappear immediately. He calls again. No answer. “You don’t have to spend Christmas alone. Answer me, please.”

Justin spent last Christmas Eve on the roof of his apartment building, and Brian is almost positive he’s back up there. He didn’t know him as well then, as it was toward the beginning of their friendship-relationship thing, but he could tell something was off. Difference is that last year Justin was still sober. Brian is hoping with everything he has that Justin isn’t wasted on the roof.

(Justin burns all his pictures. He doesn’t like to think about old memories, and he’s trying to live in the present because the past fucking hurts. Brian gets that, he really does. He isn’t talking to his family or friends much anymore, but he somehow grants Brian access to his personal life while most everyone else has been banned to only his professional side.

He’s got one little photo album left that he keeps on a bookshelf in his living room, and Brian knows he shouldn’t but he flips through it once when he spends the night. There aren’t many pages filled, only 6 pictures total. There’s a picture of Justin as a child with his parents, all smiles. There’s an awful selfie from baby Alaska, which he’s sure would make Justin physically cringe. He loves it.

There are two pictures of him with Sharon, one in and one out of drag. They both look so young and sick, clothes dirty and eyes exhausted. Brian doesn’t know much more than the rumors from this time because Justin refuses to talk about it seriously, but whatever did happen broke something in both Aaron and Justin.

There’s one of Rolaskatox, and Justin looks a little healthier in it. He figures it’s from right after the break up, and he can see how much the three love each other through the photo. Justin admitted once that Roxxxy and Detox saved his life, that he didn’t know where he’d be if they hadn’t stepped in and made him start to take care of himself. Brian wonders when the last time Justin spoke to them was.

And then there’s one of him. He looks ridiculous, out of drag with a few smudges of Katya’s makeup still on his face. He’s mid laugh, eyes shut. Next to him, Justin is perfect. He’s not as thin as the other pictures, eyes joyful. His black hair is done, his shirt is neat, and he’s looking at Brian like he hung the moon.)

Brian doesn’t cry in front of people, but it’s late and he’s pretty emotional and he’s mentally ill and he’s on his third cigarette and he’s fucking cold. He calls Justin one more time and when he gets the voicemail again he yells, “I’d talk you down if you would just fucking answer your phone, Justin.” He texts him that he’s coming over and runs downstairs to catch a cab.

He gets to Justin’s apartment building and the security guy just lets him through, maybe recognizing him from all the time he’s spent here in the past months, but maybe because he doesn’t care. This is a security concern but Brian doesn’t have time to think about that now, so he runs upstairs. 

He approaches Justin’s door and isn’t really surprised to find it unlocked. When he’s drunk he forgets to turn the bolt, like he’s just inviting trouble in. He steps into the immaculately clean apartment, and all the lights are off. He calls Justin’s name and gets no answer, but he sees empty whiskey bottles and the photo album on the floor next to the couch. Then he sees three perfectly folded paper squares on the coffee table. All the air leaves his lungs as he steps close enough to read the names written in small, neat letters on each one. Mom. Aaron. Brian.

He doesn’t pick it up, he doesn’t want to know, he can’t know he needs to know but it’s too much and he’s being hit with memories of his own letters to his own mom and copious amounts of alcohol and drugs and he can’t breathe but he’s running again, he’s in the hallway and then he’s in the stairwell and then he’s at the top and he’s about to open the door to the roof and he’s so fucking afraid that Justin’s not going to be there, that it’s going to be too late and he’s going to have to walk to the edge and look down to find the man he lov-

But he opens the door and there he is.

Justin isn’t facing him, and for a second Brian just stares. His dark hair sticking up, his black sweatpants, his white short sleeved shirt that can’t be doing anything for him. It an unsettling image, Justin’s hunched over form sitting alone in the middle of the empty roof, slightly swaying back and forth with the wind. Brian realizes he isn’t cold anymore, the adrenaline having warmed him, but he can see Justin shaking from all the way over there, so he closes the door and walks slowly toward him.

He shrugs off his jacket and places it on Justin’s shoulders, then sits next to him, their arms touching. He can’t look at him yet, and he can’t feel Justin’s eyes so he assumes the feeling is mutual. He sees Justin’s phone a few feet away from him, screen cracked from being thrown. Brian picks up a bottle of whiskey from in front of Justin and sets it away from them. For a moment, they sit listening to the sounds of the city below.

“I’m sorry for not picking up, Kat,” Justin finally mumbles.

“You scared me, Lasky.” You’re scaring me, Justin, I’m so fucking scared, he thinks.

“I didn’t mean to. I just wanted time to think. That’s why I didn’t answer, I didn’t want you to get scared and drive over in a panic. Everything is really good, promise.” Justin slurs, leaning into him a little. Brian is confused, until he realizes that Justin doesn’t know that he knows. He’s playing it off like nothing is happening, like tonight is like any other night.  Brian wishes he could believe that, but he saw the letters and sees the way Justin’s fingers are tapping against his leg. “How did you know I was up here?” Justin’s voice pulls him from his thoughts.

“I’m smarter than you give me credit for, mother.” When he hears Justin chuckle, he finally looks up at his face. He’s clearly intoxicated, but he’s not as far gone as Brian’s ever seen him. His eyes are red though, presumably from crying. Justin still isn’t looking at him, just down at the street below them.

“You have a bit of a history, sorry to tell ya. Knew you’d either be up here or passed out in your apartment. I checked there first,” he says, and he feels Justin tense immediately and pull away, bringing his knees to his chest and laying his forehead on them, hiding. Brian presses his own forehead to Justin’s shoulder and listens to his breathing. 

“Did you see anything?” Justin asks, his voice muffled.

“I saw the letters, yeah.” Brian’s never been one to beat around the bush, not with people he cares about. Somehow the street seems so much quieter now, and all he can focus on is the tension surrounding them. He’s starting to get cold again.

“Did you read yours?” Justin asks after what seems like hours, and Brian can hear him start to cry. He feels tears come to his own eyes, because he understands, fuck does he understand. He’s felt the embarrassment, the shame, the sadness, and it’s Christmas and he just wants Justin to be okay. He wants them both to be okay.

“No, Justin, they’re all still on the table,” he says quietly, and then Justin is sobbing, heavy and painful sounding. Brian wraps his arms around the taller man and pulls him up. They need to get off the roof.

He carefully leads Justin back to his apartment, and gets him straight into his room, away from coffee table and the alcohol and the fucking photo album. After a while, Justin stops crying, and Brian grabs them both Tylenol. When he goes to leave, Justin grabs his hand and asks him to stay.

Brian turns on the TV, because he knows the background noise helps Justin sleep, and lies down with his head on Justin’s leg. He feels a hand run softly through his hair, and we he realizes it’s finally stopped, he looks at the clock to see it’s already past 5 in the morning. Merry Christmas, Brenda.

—–

Justin’s alarm wakes him up at 10 am. He didn’t sleep long, and at first he can’t remember the previous night. Maybe he just ate dinner, then watched some Christmas specials and went to bed like a normal functioning adult.

When he stands up, he instantly feels like he’s dying, so he knows he drank way too fucking much. He’s missing parts of last night but he begins to remember pieces, and he definitely remembers the beginning, the part where he was sober on Christmas Eve and decided he couldn’t do it anymore. Which reminds him, it’s Christmas. Another Christmas alone.

He walks out of his room and immediately is hit with the smell of food.

He slowly shuffles to the kitchen, and there he is. With his blond hair and a fucking pink apron from god knows where. Brian has headphones in, and he’s leaning down, taking something out of the oven. On the table there’s enough food to feed a family of five, and it’s a strange combination of breakfast and dinner foods. There are also somehow decorations in his house now. He looks over to the living room, and notes that the table is cleared and the floor is clean.

Brian turned around and gasps, then laughs and pulls out an earbud. “You scared me! I put these in so I wouldn’t wake you with my early morning impromptu Christmas breakfast/dinner extravaganza playlist.” He’s smiling, but Justin can see the worry in his eyes.

“What songs are on it?” he asks as he sits at the counter where Brian has laid out two little pills next to a glass of water, which he takes.

“Bach’s Greatest Hits Volumes 1 through 7. Plus, Fuck Tha Police 12 times.”

Justin watches Brian as he dances around the kitchen and finishes setting the table, humming along to whatever music is playing. When he’s done, he bows to Justin’s applause and gestures for him to come sit in front of the feast. They make their plates and start to eat, sitting next to each other at Justin’s tiny kitchen table, chairs facing the window.

Justin picks at the strange assortment of food, the blueberry pancakes and turkey and macaroni salad. “So, what exactly inspired you to create this horrific spread? You’ve really outdone yourself, Bri, this is almost definitely the worst meal I’ve ever had.“

“The dollar store food section can only get you so far and your pantry is depressing, but someone had to feed your ass on Christmas, and I’m a woman who loves a challenge. Are you saying you don’t appreciate the culinary stylings of Chef Boyardee?”

“No, he’s done a fine job, as always. I’m just questioning the sanity of whoever thought French toast would be a good side for spaghettios.”

“Well, that’s where you went wrong. French toast is clearly the appetizer. The sour patch kids are the side. Idiot.”

The banter is easy, and Justin can almost forget what happened the night before. Despite his best attempts, he enjoys the food, and he listens to Brian tell a most definitely untrue story about fighting a grandmother at Dollar General for a pack of glittery green streamers.

Eventually, the conversation stalls, and they eat in a comfortable silence for a while. The windows are open, and Justin notices that the street is quiet for once. "It’s dead out there, I can’t remember it ever being this calm,” he voices to Brian.

"Everyone is either enjoying their day off by sleeping in or spending this dreadful holiday with the people they love.”

“Why aren’t you with the people you love?” he asks, looking over. Brian is staring back at Justin with a fork full of blueberry pancakes frozen about an inch from his mouth, and something about the look in his eye makes Justin blush.

"I tried literally all day and night yesterday. You wouldn’t answer. How dare you set me up to say something as cheesy as that? You absolute snake." 

Justin laughs, and shakes his head, averting his eyes. "Love you too, Russian whore.” He tries to keep his voice casual, but by the way Brian has quieted, he knows they’re about to have The Conversation. He takes his plate and washes it, trying to busy his hands and calm his mind.

Brian follows him with his own plate and leans against the counter behind him after putting it in the sink. Justin hears him take a deep breath. “I didn’t read any of the letters. I put them in a drawer, and I’ll throw them out if you want me to. I didn’t know what you wanted me to do, but I didn’t read them.”

Sometimes, Justin is thankful that Brian gets straight to the point. Sometimes it makes him uncomfortable, makes him long for the days when he and his partner could just drown in drugs and alcohol and sex instead of having difficult conversations. He awkwardly says, “Thank you. I’m sorry for scaring you.”

It’s quiet for a minute, and then he feels a hand on his arm, turning him around. “Justin, you have to get help." 

He’s suddenly feeling closed in, he wants to do anything but look at Brian. He’s ashamed, and he doesn’t want to hurt him anymore. "I’m sorry, Bri, it was just a stupid thing, I wasn’t really going to-" 

Brian cuts him off, using a stern voice Justin’s never heard before. "No, I’m serious. I don’t want to lose you, I can’t lose you." 

"You’re not losing anything, I’m fine.” He breaks away and walks to the living room, sitting on the couch, repeating don’t think about it in his head. He knows if he thinks about it, he’ll cry, and he can’t hurt Brian anymore than he already has. Brian is too good for this, for him, and he doesn’t deserve it. But Brian follows him to the living room and sits next to him.

“Please look at me,” he asks, but Justin looks down, willing the tears pooling in his eyes to stay in until he’s alone again.

“I can’t-”

“You can. Please.” Brian takes Justin’s chin in his hand and turns his head until their eyes meet. He’s looking at him in a way he’s not used to anymore, and the care and worry in his eyes hurts too much. He can’t do this, no matter how much he wants it, no matter how perfect Brian is, not when love ends so fucking horribly every time. He would hate himself if he hurt Brian, but Brian doesn’t seem afraid at all.

“I’m scared,” is all he can say.

"I know.”

“I wish we could just sit here forever.” The world is too scary, too hateful, too loud. He wipes his face, and puts his head on Brian’s shoulder. He feels Brian’s arm wrap around him.

“I know, but we can’t. There’s too much life happening outside of your annoyingly clean apartment, and I want to live it with you. Ugh, there I go again. Feelings really are disgusting." 

"I don’t get that.”

“Why your apartment is so clean? That’s what I’m saying, it makes me think you’re overcompensating for something, which is worrisome to a simple woman like myself.”

"I don’t get how you could want to do anything with me.”

“Honestly, me neither.”

”…Okay.”

“No, let me try that again. I never thought I’d ever want to spend my whole life with anyone. I’ve never even entertained the idea. But then Alaska Thunderfuck 5000 slithers into my life, and I’m daydreaming about moving to LA and stealing your hash browns during an early brunch at some overpriced diner, and then going shopping for home goods and complaining about your terrible taste in art the entire time.”

“Sounds like a dream.”

“But I can’t do that and then lose you. It would kill me. It would absolutely demolish my entire being, Justin. It would fucking kill me even if we weren’t together, even if we stopped talking today. If you killed yourself, I don’t know what I’d do.”

“I’m sorry, I know I fucked up. I’m sorry I always fuck up.”

"No, stop, I just- I want to be with you all the time, do you know that? For the past who knows how long. You’re all I think about. I want to help you, I would fucking do anything for you, but I know better than anyone that love doesn’t fix this shit. I can’t love you better Justin, you have to get professional help.” He stops and wipes away a tear that slipped from Justin’s eye. “It doesn’t have to be like this. And you know it, I know you do. You’ve been better before, you can get better again.

I want you to get help so you can enjoy life. And yeah, it’s selfish because I want to enjoy it with you, but I never claimed to be a good person. I’m just a woman in love with another woman, except we’re both men and making jokes is inappropriate for this conversation but I don’t know how to be any way else. I really do think I love you, how awful is that?”

“Horrendous. I never thought I’d be getting a combination please don’t kill yourself/let’s settle down speech from Katya Zamolodchikova.”

“Believe me bitch, I never thought I’d be the one giving it.”

“Okay.”

"What?”

“Okay.”

—–

Twelve Months Later

Dec 24th

4:45 PM

J: 🐍

4:46

B: Mother, the crazy trash bag lady is sending me reptile emojis again…

4:47

J: like 15 mins away

J: and you send the fucking alien emoji at least 10 times a day

J: stop telling mother on me or I’ll make sure you regret it

4:50

B: That sounds like a threat, and I’m extremely turned on. Stop texting and driving.

B: See you soon.

They live on the first floor now, on a street across town. Justin runs up the stairs, trying not to spill the Chinese food in the bags he has on each arm. He unlocks the door and slips in quietly.

The apartment they moved into together two months ago is a little messy. The decor is a combination of things they found at various thrift stores across the city, so nothing matches but the room is undeniably them. Christmas music is playing from the speakers, which Justin knows Brian only put on for him.

There’s a Christmas tree in the corner with presents underneath to each other and from their friends. They made cookies the day before with Trixie, Ginger, Detox, and Roxxxy at Friendsmas Dinner, despite Brian’s claims that that is not a thing and will never be a thing. Trixie loved it and declared Alaska her new best friend. (“I didn’t realize you were such a festive bitch, I think you might be too good for Bri.”)

Tonight, they’re eating some leftover cookies with takeout and watching the Golden Girls Christmas special. Justin takes the food out of the bags, sets it up on the coffee table, and queues up the episode on Hulu.

He hears the bedroom door open and Brian appears in the hallway, hair wet from a shower, ugly Christmas sweater on. He grins wide and settles on the couch next to Justin.

“How was your session?” He asks as he runs a hand through Justin’s hair. Justin wraps his arms around him and closes his eyes, enjoying the contact for a moment.

“It was really good. Merry Christmas Eve.” He had an extra therapy session today, just in case. He only has to go once every other week now, but he anticipated today being extra difficult. Surprisingly, he feels okay. 

“Same to you, Lasky. I love you,” Brian reminds him as he kisses the side of his face before digging into his food and pressing play on the remote.

Justin is doing well. He’s sober, and he works keep himself sane. He calls his friends, and he lets himself recover when he has a slip up. He’s in love, and he only goes on the roof when Brian is there to watch the city with him.

“I love you too.”