#even if one was wasted on a white guy and a relationship that didnt last the 16 hour flight from mumbai -> nyc

[cosmicrhetoric]

god i really want to watch aaja nachle

[yoongis-black-grilfriend]

Drama pt. 2

If you haven't done so yet, click here to read part 1

Warnings: Violence & Cursing

Summary: You and Jack are dating but your relationship isn't public and someone from his past starts drama between the two of you.

Oh wow.

After the night you had calmed yourself down and tried not to ruin Jack’s album release party this girl took it upon herself to post pictures of shit Jack bought her and let everybody know that they messed with each other? 

This had really pissed you off because she was disrespecting your relationship to the max. It's also the fact that she POSTED him. People didn't even know that you existed let alone the fact that you two were dating. Her posting this made it look like he was out here fucking and sucking and you were not okay with this. 

Your phone ringing had taken you out of your thinking but when you looked at your phone it was off indicating no one was trying to call you. It was Jack's phone and he was still sleeping noticing it wasn't going to stop ringing he turned to you. “Who is that?” you roll your eyes ``Why don't you answer and find out? Its your fucking phone.” Confused by your sudden attitude, he sat up and answered his phone. 

“What's up?...... You're not being serious….. What the hell?….. Why did you even think it was okay inviting her last night… I don’t really give a fuck if it was her friends fault you sould have made sure she wasnt going to come and do not werid shit now look what im going through… Yeah whatever man”  Listening to the conversation it sounded like he was just caught up on what Katie posted. 

He turned to you and sighed “I don't really know what to say but just know in going to fix all of this'' You wanted to applaud  him for his words you really did but you were so tired of being nice to these girls that thought they could just come up to you and threaten your relationship with Jack just because it wasn't public. She had taken it too far and now you are going to take it a step further. 

“Don't even worry about it. I'm not trippin.” Jack raised his eyebrows ``Your not?” “No this is what comes with the industry right?” He shook his head in shame “No its not and I dont want this to become a regular thing” you scoot closer to him and grab his face in your hands. “Baby dont worry about it im okay lets just let this blow over okay?” He nodded his head along with you and gave him a peck to his lips. 

“Now I know your going to be busy today so worry about that and i’ll make sure to have iur show on by the time you get home” He nodded agreeing with you again and gave you a kiss “Okay Princess i’ll try to make it quick.” 

You shook you head “Take all of the time you need.” After the little talk you guys had Jack had gotten up and left because he had a couple interviews he had to get ready for. You had gotten dressed and put on some pink shorts with a matching cropped tang top with some white shoes. You had out your knottless braides in a pony tail and had made your way to your friends house. 

When you get there you saw that she had simuklar attire on as she made her way to your car. Annie put her seatbelt on and turned to you “You ready to kick some ass” you laugh as you start driving to your destination “You already know I am!” 

Finally you guys had made it walking out of the car you guys walk into the house some party was being held in (you didnt care whos ouse this was you came here for one thing) and as soon as you walked in you spotted Ms. Katie and wasted no time walking up to her. 

You had no words to say to her as you grabbed her hair and started throwing punches to her face. People had started recording and and trying to get close but Annie made sure no one got to close and she also made sure no one jumped in. Katie was weak she as trying to fight back she had no upper hand and you were on a mission. You get down to the ground as you throw a few kicks to her face before you decided you were done with her. 

“NEXXT TIME YOU DECIDE YOU WANT TO CLAIM MY MAN MAKE SURE YOU HAVE THE HANDS TO BACK IT UP BITCH!!” You said with a petty laugh and walked out with your friend. It felt good to finally take up for yourself because you had a lot of pent up anger from this happening time and time again you hoped that this would be a lesson to the girls that kept trying you. 

You didnt get home until late. Annie and you had went out to eat and then after you guys had been talking about what had been going on in yalls lives. Opening the door you had expected to see it empty but you were completely wrong. 

Jack was sitting on the couch and he looked PISSED. He turned to you with a glare in his eye. “You must get off to embrassing me huh?” 

You were done for.

Let me know how this is. Please send in request!

[hwangsies]

hello, hello, first things first, hope you're having a good day! can i please request fem reader and minho agreeing on cockwarming only but she got really horny and waited for him to fall asleep before doing it, but ofc he woke up and ended up overstimulating her instead as a punishment-

hii, tysm for requesting! i hope u had a good day as well💓

[6:54 pm]

lee minho x female reader smut

warnings: established relationship, partly clothed sex, dom!minho, cockwarming, oral (m recieving), fingering, slight somnophilia (not stated but consensual ofc), spit (im sorry skjsjekd), a little choking, minho calls reader a slut like 2 times, multiple orgasms, overstimulation

wc: 1.6 k

enjoy <3

-

"fuck-no no go back to the base" you roll your eyes at minhos yells into his headset.

His fingers fly over the controller as he digs his teeth into his lower lip in concentration.

You love that he's finally able to relax a little and play his game but you'd so much rather have those fingers inside of you.

"chan-hyung go back-go back" he orders as he shoots at something on the screen, you cant be bothered to fully understand what the goal of that game is.

You are way too annoyed at the fact that he had declared his 'last round' four times already without even looking back at you.

Sighing you get up to get a glass of water, when you come back he's still sitting on the edge of his bed, staring at the screen.

You lean agaist the doorframe, cross your arms over your chest and sigh again, a little more dramatic; frowning when he doesn’t even acknowledge your presence.

So, you sigh even louder, one more time.

His eyes flicker up at you before he pulls his headset back from one ear, releasing the abused flesh of his lip from inbetween his teeth.

"whats up, baby" he asks, muting his microphone before looking back at the screen shortly.

"I miss you" you pout "and you said you were almost done like an hour ago"

He smiles softly and holds out his hand, speaking when you slide yours into his.

"i'm sorry, i promise im done after this round" he rubs his thumb over your hand.

You whine as your eyes fall on his lap, on those muscular thighs that even make the baggy grey sweatpants he's wearing look tight when he's sitting. Apparently you arent very cool about it because your boyfriend catches on to what you're thinking almost immediately.

Grinning, he pulls you closer by your hand before pressing a kiss to the back of it. "take off your panties" he nods at your skirt.

"already did, like two hours ago" you breathe out, feigning annoyance at which he chuckles.

"alright then, if you get me hard you can sit on my cock until i'm done" he grins up at you, chuckling once again when you drop to your knees. His hands return to his controller after he unmutes himself, meanwhile you start squeezing him through his sweatpants.

"yea, sorry guys im back" minho mumbles into the headset, you frown because you want his attention, but knowing your boyfriend, he wont give it up without a fight.

Pulling down his pants and boxers far enough to take out his half hard length, you waste no time getting your mouth on him.

"guys, left-left-left" he chants into his mic.

You feel his cock twitch when you take him deep and massage his balls, peering up at him through your lashes, you are disappointed to see he's still only watching the screen. Breathing in deeply through your nose, you go even deeper and swallow around his tip as he starts his sentence.

"guys, dont- oh fuck" his voice cracks and he finally looks down at you, muting himself before pulling you away.

"I said get me hard, not off, you little slut" he sneers as you lick your lower lip.

"sorry" you grin, which he reciprocates "get up" he orders.

When you do, he trails his fingers along your inner thigh, hissing when he feels how wet you are. You moan when he pumps one finger into you, holding onto his shoulder as he takes his other hand and guides you to hover his lap.

Retreating his finger, he rubs a few circles over your clit for good measure at which you whimper.

"okay, come here" he guides you to hover over his lap before spreading your juices over his cock and aligning it with your entrance, pushing inside slowly.

You moan out minhos name at the stretch, he breathes out shakily as well before pressing a kiss to your cheek.

"doing good, baby" another kiss to your cheek "now be a good girl and stay still, alright?" You nod and tuck your face into the crook of his neck before looping your arms around him as well.

You can hear the clickling sound of his controller and the faint voices of chan, jeongin and whoever else he's playing with.

He makes an effort not to yell into your ear when he talks to them, so very soon you find your feeling of neediness getting overpowered by drowsiness. His bodywarmth and cologne affectively lulling you to sleep.

-

You dont know how long you were out but when you wake up minho is still underneath you, but now propped up against the headrest of the bed.

Blinking confusedly, you lift your head, which was still still positioned on his shoulder and look around.

The tv is off and it had gotten dark outside, your attention however quickly shifts to the throbbing of your core, where your boyfiend is still buried in to the hilt. Said boyfriend is peacefully asleep, lips pouted and cheeks slightly flushed.

You sit up, moaning when his cock brushes against your g-spot. You bite your lip, knowing full well what would happen if you were to act on your thoughts.

So thats exactly what you do; slowly you roll your hips into his and prop your hand on the headrest. You feel your walls tighten when you lift yourself up and push down again.

Whimpering, you reach down and rub circles into your clit. Your head rolls back when you feel your high bubble up in your abdomen, tearing a moan from your throat.

Suddenly , warm hands gripping your hips make you jump.

"didnt mean to interrupt you baby" minho grins up at you tiredly.

“baby-i” your movements still with his hands squeezing at your flesh.

“you what?” he taunts “thought you could get yourself off real sneakily?”

“no-i” you stutter, feeling your cheeks heat up in embarrasment “i wouldve woken you up- just...” you absently tug at his shirt.

“just what?” minho sits up, grinning and supporting your back to keep you from tipping over.

“you always edge me and i just want to cum” you say sheepishly now that his face is only a few inches away from yours.

“aw, well i dont like how that makes me sound” he pouts sarcastically “lets make your wish come true then,yea?” he leans back again, tucking one hand under his head cockily.

“fuck yourself, cmon” he bites his lip, wating for you to oblige.

You grin and start rolling your hips again “wait!” minho yelps, making you flinch.

“sorry” he giggles, rubbing your thigh “take off your shirt”

You scoff and shake your head incredulously before pulling your shirt over your head and freeing your tits for your boyfriend to instantly love on.

Not long after rocking your pelvis into his, you feel your orgasm creeping up on you again. Minho being no stranger to your body and its signals, kitten licks his thumb and brings it underneath your skirt to your clit.

You moan as you lean forwards to get better levarage, your boyfriend latching his lips onto one of your nipples.

"fuck-" you cry out when he increases the preassure of his thumb on your bundle of nerves and raises his hips to meet yours with every roll. Your orgasm makes your toes curl as it rushes through your veins, your body trembling as you collapse into minhos hold.

You pant obscene things as he rocks you through it, flipping the both of you over shortly after. “what-oh-fuck” you squeal but he thrusts back into you, flipping up your skirt to reveal your how tigth your dripping walls are hugging him.

“fuck” minho groans at the sight, stabilizing your hips before slowly letting a glob of spit descend from his pout to where your bodies join. You whimper, your hips stuttering when he smears it over your folds before bottoming out and picking up his pace.

“how’s that hm?” he grits through his teeth, hand anchoring to your neck when you moan in response.

“s- good” you whine, crying out a second later when he brings his thumb to your clit again to rub at it vigorously.

“you wanted to cum, so cum again like the little slut you are” he sneers “cmon baby, do it”  And you do, pulling at the sheets as you cry out for him in bliss.

The overstimulation kicks in and you squirm, pressing against his hand to make him stop. But he just pulls out and shoves two of his fingers into you, curling them upwards and pumping furiously as his other hand squeezes at your neck.

“fuck! minho-i cant” the sensitivity is almost too much and you feel tears pricking at your eyes as you yell out for your boyfriend.

“this is what you wanted isnt it?” he tauts, grin evident in his voice.

“fuck!” your back arches of the mattress as a guttoral groan tears from your throat and you cum again, less than a minute after your previous high.

For a few seconds you only hear white noise and your heartbeat as he rides out your orgasm.

“good fucking girl” he chuckles mischievously as he watches your chest heave and your swollen pussy flutter when he takes out his fingers, smearing your cum on his cock before he starts pumping himself.

You open your eyes to see him jerk himself off over you, tiredly you raise your hand to fondle his balls, making him roll his head back and groan.

His throat shining with a sheen of sweat as his adams apple bops with each breath. Locking eyes again, he spills his seed on your tummy with a moan and a shudder.

[piratemadi]

please make your critical post of supernatural those are literally the only posts about supernatural i care about, especially since i side eye the heck out of the many people who give supernatural a pass because they ship two boring white dudes (dean and castiel) PLEASE

omg ok nobody make fun of me for posting an earnest criticism of this show i enjoy critical analysis and being a hater

i think most of why this show sucks has already been covered pretty thoroughly but these r the main things abt it that piss ME off.

the racism runs so SO deep. supernatural is supposed to be an exploration of americana thru horror (and i’ll give them that. like the idea of deconstructing america and all its fallacies thru horror is genius and in competent hands it would be absolutely incredible. but anyway) but it only really scrapes the surface of what is inherently horrific about americana! something like that is supposed to be an INTERROGATION of monstrosity and how america (and western society more broadly) creates monsters out of human beings and how white christian morals are established as the ONLY acceptable morals and how anyone who falls outside of those norms (non christian, non white, lgbt, people with substance use disorders, prisoners, the poor, indigenous people/cultures etc) are monsterized, so to speak, because of an oppressive and unloving colonial society. like u cannot have a horror narrative abt monsters attacking family values and white suburban life without invoking some very old and racist conventions! but instead of subverting that supernatural just reinforces it! it consistently fails to make any kind of real statement because the most demonized parts of society are the people who are also treated the WORST in canon! native american beliefs are stolen and turned into stupid bogeymen without the show ever featuring a native character or seriously grappling with the inherent violence of america as a colonial state, black men are consistently portrayed as angry and evil while black women are treated like shit (dean’s happy ending at the end of s5 is with a white woman he fucked one time instead of with the black woman who he was in love with??), impoverished people are mostly ignored and when they’re not theyre monsters (theres one episode centered around a poor rural family that commits murder and cannibalism. no supernatural stuff or monsters. just poor people. thats the scare).

theres this consistent fixation on preserving american suburbia, on saving “normal” (read: white middle class) people and it sets up this dynamic of like. the “real world” is the white middle class and then there’s hunters including our mains who defend that “real world” against monsters and demons, which is just Everything Else. and the writers PRETEND to struggle w the question of monsters and what makes one but they just toss it around without ever actually committing to answering that question with compassion or narrative coherency. they have multiple episodes about characters who were raised human, who want to be human, but have to be killed because of an inherent evil nature. there’s a plot in the early seasons about how one of the main characters has demonic powers, and instead of saying that doesnt make him inherently bad and he’s allowed to fully access all parts of himself without being fundamentally evil, they consistently frame intrinsically neutral traits as inherently evil specifically because they go against a christian ideal of morality! and eventually he learns to suppress these powers and that’s that!

and then it establishes christianity as the guiding principle of america, not in a way of like “american culture and history is deeply steeped in white supremacist protestantism that has led to incredibly fucked up views on god and love and morality and thats what we have to deal with as people who live here”, but in a way of like “the christian god is real and he’s a white guy who fucking hates you.” which like. Ok. they bastardize and trivialize any religions that arent christian while building the entire series on christianity. Ok. like i guess its possible to write stories about white christianity without implying that every other religion is full of shit but supernatural did not do that on any level

its also just. really poorly written. i genuinely loved the first season i thought it was really well paced and that the characters were introduced really well like the first season is a GOOD horror story in terms of family as horror and the inherent terror of americana. but the pacing and the character development started tripping up in s2. by s3 they started raising the stakes Exponentially which honestly is such a kiss of death for good fiction like every season mounting a bigger badder antagonist than the last one is the surest way to kill a story bc it means the earlier entries in that story become basically meaningless in the face of the new bad guy. u dont need to raise the stakes to write a good story! a well written story abt the horror and drama of a close knit and unhealthy family caught up in something they don’t really understand isn’t Less emotionally resonant than, like, having to stop the world from ending, because at the end of the day its Fiction and none of it matters beyond what u can make the audience really Feel. im not gonna feel sorrow if 7 billion fake little people die. i didnt cry when the death star blew up whatever planet it blew up. what DOES make me feel sorrow is a few truly well written characters whose relationships are complicated and tragic and whose motivations i can understand and whose inner lives i can imagine. raising the stakes destroys a good story and thats exactly what happened to supernatural (not that the racism and misogyny and american protestant moralizing wasn’t killing it already)

also, the misogyny makes the female characters basically impossible to watch. like not a single person on that show is a good actor (except sterling k brown love u king u were the best actor that show ever saw) but they didnt even give any of the women anything to work with. its literally so cringey to watch any woman onscreen except maybe like. bela talbot and she was treated like utter shit.

god. you know that expression dont fall in love with potential? i dont do that w people i do it w fiction. i came off black sails and the untamed and frankenstein and i watched the first couple seasons of supernatural with my friend and it was like...there was so much room for it to SAY something about monsters and how society creates them thru violence and how deeply horrific american protestantism is. like theres so many questions and concepts that it brought up that it never actually SAID something about. shithole of wasted potential. and yeah dean and castiel is stupid there i said it

[freshstartbaby]

Un

🎧 Body - Syd

I watched my house, cardbord on the ground, like me, leg crossed. White walls, a little smell of vinegar. Thats what I used to finally clean up everything.

Why do I feel like shit ? I mean one part of me cant wait to be in my new place. But the other ? I really feel like I kind of failed here. I got a job, two to be exact, I can provide for myself. I got few friends and thats it. I was wondering if my mum will ever know if I left the town. Maaaan I got to stop overthinking.

It was 8pm and I was waiting for Theo's call. Thanks to god he told me he will help me wih the moving. His help was so precious. Like always. My phone rang with « Theo 🤍 » on my screen . I picked up

« Sup mister T » I said softly « Hi Rob, you good ? » he answered « I am actually, and you ? » « Good. So you really goin to leave me, you know you can still change your mind » « No way, but you know you will still be in my mind » « And in your heart. Who do you think you are ? » he started to joke « Man where are you ? » I said rolling my eyes with a smile on face « There is a litlle bit of traffic. I be there in 10 minutes. But I think the man who will help us is already there. I fowarded him your number. Did he call ? »

I checked my phone, no missed call

« Nah he didn't » « Ok, get ready I be there soon » « Thank tou Theo » « Everything for you » he hang up

I shook my head slowley left to right. He was so kind to me. He can't be real. Me and Theo knew ourself since 8 years now. He was there to help and provide when no one could. He always was very protective and he is actually the one who gave me my first job: dancer in a club. It wasn't my goal job but I could dance and it will help me paying my bills. Few years later he also refered me in company to work as a personnal assistant. I managed myself to then become a communication assistant. When you look clother, without him, I probably will end up as a cracked or worse.

When we met I was 16 and he was 22. It was a very protective relationship. But the older we get, the akward it became. I mean physically he turned to a man as i turned to a young women. And even if he always shows me mad respect, the way he was watching and talking to me changed. Not in a bad way, but I could feel there was more. I aint gon lie, he is good looking, got money and got pure heart. But i couldnt wiling to lost him if we turned into a relationship. He was one of few people around me. Aint ready to loose one of them.

When I told him that I decided to move in LA, maaaan, he wasn't down for it. But as always, he helped me. He got fews relations so we find a cute flat quickly than I thought. The place was smooth and warm. We flew to LA to visit it, and i actually loved it. So now here I am waiting for a friend of his to move my stuff to LA. Let me get it straight. I aint no baby. I can take care of myself. But when it comes to Theo, he always wants to help. And I aint gonna lie, it feel good to be take care of.

The ring belled, I stood up to open the door. He looked at me, I looked at him.

« Can I help you ? » rising an eyebrow acting like I didn't know him « Stop playing » he said moving in my place « Hi » I said to the man following Theo « Robyn this is Eric, Eric this The New York leaver »

I rolled my eyes and shook my head slowly. Eric and Theo helped me to put my stuff in the truck. It was quickly made thanks to them. Also even if I hadnt much things I droped a lot. Eric told me that they will arrive the next monday in my new place. I thanked him as he left when I felt someone behind me. I turned around found Theo on his phone.

« First of all you didn't say hi »

I pulled him softly in a hug. His hands wrapped my shoulder as he kissed my cheek softly

« Then tell me where do I drop you ? » he said « Alex's place » « Lets go »

He put my suitcase in his trunck and we headed to Alexendra's place. I sold my car few weeks before so he proposed me to drop me where I needed yesterday.

Alexandra is one of my best friend. She's like a sister to be honest. We know each other for like forever and she always be down for me. Im stayin at her place tonight so I can catch my flight tommorow.

The road was silent but confortable. Theo and I like to be quiet sometines. We're the type of people who arent afraid of silence. As we arrived to Alexendra's place we stayed a little in the car.

« You need help with the suit case ? » « Na Im good, but thank you. Thank you for everything. It means a lot» I look at him « Stop saying this like its a goodbye » « Im not » « You better »

We pulled into a thight hug «You know I'm always be around and if you need to come back my door is open» « I hope it will be fine dont say that »

He look at me kiss my cheek and said

« Take care » « You too Theo »

I got off the car, took my suitcase and watched him leave. As we disapear on the corner I called Alex.

« Yes baby » « Im here, remind me your code » « You still dont remember it, you do it on purpose » « Guuuurl what is it ?» « 7110 » « Thank youuuuuu »

I taped the code and got to her place

« Sup baby » « Wassup baby, how you doin ?» « Good and you ? » « Everything is alright, I mean my best friend is leaving in an another town but Im good » « Guuuurl, it is for the better » « I know that, Im just getting emotional » « Dont do that » « Im trying, I swear ! How did you came ? You took a uber ? » « Nah, Theo droped me »

She set down on her large cozy couch eying me with a small smile

« What ? » I asked « Noooothing ! » she tapped the place next to her so I can take place « You just goin to sit down and tell me what's popin between you and this white daddy, finally» she said swith a smirk « Nothing is popin, I already told you that » i said sitting next to her « But you got to admit he is good lookin » « I never said he isnt » « Maybe a little bit skinny but he is still handsome » « He is. » « So he never try to own that » she said pointing at myself « And dont try to tell me no, I saw him plenty time trying to get you. » « Alex, it is not goin to hape- « «  Whyyyyyyyy » « Because I dont want to » I said laughin « GURL IS YOU GAY ?» « Oh my god. Alexendra. » «  No because if you are it is ok. But you need to tell me, so I can introduce him to friend of mine. Its such a waste » « Whatever » I said looking at her smiling

This girl is so crazy. Full of good vibe. Always pushing me to my best. She is fam yall. Our phones started buzzing at the same time. It was a whatsap phone call from our conversation « Mexico 🥵 ».

With some friends we decided to go on a trip to Mexico. For the big part, I knew them from school or club. As we grew older all of us took different ways but still got mad love for eachother. This week trip was the way to link up. I didnt knew some people like David, Florian and Veronica but everything went well during the organisation so I wasnt « afraid » that they were annoying.

The trip is next Monday so we schedule this video chat to make a last check. With all the stuff with my moving I almost forget about this call. Alex and I were together so I decided not to answer from my phone and step clother to her so we can both be on her screen

« Hi » « Wassup beauties » Alexander says

We all said hi to each other and waited to see if someone was missing.

« Who is missing » I asked « Flo is not here » Betty said « Damn this sleeping guy, let me text him » Alexander answered

As he decided to text him, a new window poped in our screen revealing a big white man shirtless, it seems like he was in his bed.

« My bad, sorry for my lateness, wassup guys » he said in a low voice

I looked at the screen, then at Alex, then the screen again and falled into the catch moving my hand to show to Alex that this man was foooine

We giggle few seconds before getting back to our serious faces.

« Florian that is it ? » Alex asked « Yup » « Time is money you owe us all a drink when we get to the mexico » « Maaaan dont play me like that, I was taking a nap, gym killed me today» he said

Of course he was goin to the gym, look at this chest. I tried to fix my self when we all talked for like an hour about last informations, who will arrive when, who shares room, what type of activites we wanted to do. I cant wait for this trip to be honest. I dont travel that much. I could release the stress from my moving, my new job and the new town I will be living in.

« Rob you still in New York ?» Michael asked « Yeees, my fligt is tomorrow » « Where you goin ? » Betty asked « Moving to LA » I said softly « LA GANG MY MAN ! » Florian shouted « Thats great, really big move » Alexander said « Finger crossed » Veronica « Dont worry, as wherever it will be ok if you work hard enough » Florian said « Oh dont worry she is a hard worker » Alex said miming a blow job

I snaped her head as everyone shared an hard laugh. Few minutes later we hang up. I went to the bathroom, washed myself, my tooth and changed myself in something more confortable. I went back to the living room and find Alexandra on the phone. By the way she was smiling and laughing I could tell it was Alexander. Yeah. This gurl find a boyfriend with the same name. That's kind of cute but it's also so corny. She hanged up, stood uo and went to the kitchen

« Sooooo » « What do you want again ? » i said a smirk in my face « I was wondering » she looked at me with a vicious smile « What is it Alex ? » « Are you down for some dick in Mexico » « You are something else you know that » « Im just asking ! There will be latino guys, foreigner and gurl this man Florian, he is free like the wind » «How do you know that ? » « I asked Alexander » « Mmmmh » « Mmmmh ? Gurl when is the lastime you had a man making you feel right ? I aint talking about relationship because that is another level and I know you trying to put yourself first since...» « Yea no. I'm not ready but let me think » « The fact that you have to think is not ok, you know that if the sexual frustration is not evacueted it can damaged you » « I got toys dont worry » I said putting my finger in a peace sign while im leaving the kitchen

I went to her guest bedroom, sitted on the bed and put my durag on. After sliding under the sheets I did my breath exercise so I could fall asleep faster but I couldn't. It was these exercises or sleeping pills. But I try to use them less and less since few month. They knocked me hard to hard man. After 30 minutes of try, I took my phone and opened Instagram. I scrolled my screen without being focused at all, laugh at fews memes and double tap some post. I tought about what Alex told me. It's true. It been a while since I havent give a man his chance. It didn't went well the last time. Ok here we go overthinking. I shook my hand thinking of how dumb I was when I tought about Florian. He was fine its true but you know men are trash. At least men I have a crush on 😭. I tapped « florian » in the research bar to see if I could find him. I didn't. Im defenatly not a FBI member. I will ask to Alex tomorrow, or not, it's not a good idea.

——-

I was hugging Alexandra thighly at the airport. The voice called the passagers of my flight to get ready.

« I'm goin to miss you crazy ass » I whispered « I'm goin to miss you more Robyn, but stop being weak before I start crying » « Come on aint nobody goin to cry » I push her shoulder « we're tough girls remember ? » « Yea but I wrote you a letter » she gave me a letter as I look at her ready to make fun of her « You wrote me a letter, you must be in love with me » « Of course I am, yo you're my friend soulmate » « Ok you gon make me cry now » « Go get your flight »

I tried to open the letter when she took my hand

« The fuck is you doin, you have to read it in your flight, or when you arrive to your new place but not now » « Okaaaaaaay mrs emotional »

I kissed her cheek and grabed my suit case before leaving

« See you in Tulum baby ! »

I put a peace sign above my head a went take my flight.

As I settled in my seat, I leaned my head back to the couch. Here we go baby. You can do this. You got this. It's goin to be fine. I was motivated myself when my phone buzzed. I watched my phone screen and see that Theo sent me a vocal. I put my AirPods on tap on my screen to listen his whatsap vocal message.

James. Theo James. : « You're in the plane ? »

I send him a quick answer

Robyn ✨: Yup 🛫

James. Theo James. : Ok

I watched the screen as I saw « James. Theo James is writing » when a big as message droped. Oh my god. He is goin to make me cry. Or worse. I rubbed my forehead before start reading.

James. Theo James. :

« Robyn. My baby. I know your flight is getting ready to take off. So I'm writing this to you so you can be ready for this new page.

Im goin to tell you this, and ear me out when I say: You got this.

You're smart, kind, open minded,fierce, talented, reliable, honest and a fighter. I know life ain't did good to you lately, and it's destroying me to see you leave but baby it's a fresh start. Leave all the madness, the pain and the self doubt where you at because LA is goin to be fire baby. No more drama, no more pathetic boyfriend, no more struggling. Put yourself above everything, because you deserve it. Keep your mental healthy. Communicate more, talk free and never be afraid to make people to ear your voice.

As I always say to you, even if the blood don't link us, you mean the world to me. Whenever you need anything blow my phone. I will always have an eye on you even if I know you are and you are becoming a boss a bitch woman every single day.

I know you are goin to kill it.

Text me when you arrive to your new home

I will come visit you in few months

Theo 🤍 »

I closed my eyes, bitted my lips and hold my phone on my chest. Don't cry, don't cr- too late. Tears were all over my face as I try to mute myself. Even I tried to hide it, I was feeling shitty. And those words just gave me the feeling of being discovered. I don't know how it was possible. Even if Theo and I were closed I have difficulties to talk out when I'm not feeling myself. And with this message I knew that all this time he knew how I felt but give me my space.

LA be good to me please.

—-

🎧 1 pound - Brymo

The sunlight woke me this morning. I really need to buy curtains. I mean in the rest of the place it's not that important, but wake this way is so uncomfortable. I like the darkness in my bedroom you know ? And all this light, god chill out 🤣

I stood up and head ou to the bathroom and then to the kitchen. I watched the board where I wrote my to do list yesterday night. Yeaaaa i'm trying to be more disciplined woman. I mean organized but sometimes I get too lazy. Like if I invented the word lazy myself.

End the bathroom Shopping at the supermarket Look for a car End the suitcase Work out (you can do this)

I laugh at myself knowing that I will probably not doing the last one. I washed my dishes and turn on the speaker to get in a better mood. I clean a little some stuff since there was still some cardboard here and there. I find myself dancing in front the big mirror in one of the corridor when my phone rang. I didn't know the number so I turned of the music and clear my throat.

« Robyn Matthew, how can I help you » « Hi Robyn this is William. I am with Olivia, you're on speaker. How are you ? » « Hello Robyn »

Ow my new bosses.

« Oh hello to both of you, I'm great thank you to ask. How about you two ? » « We're good ourself thank you. Have you settled yet ? » « Mmh there is still few unopened cardboards but I'm good » « Good to ear that » « You will love LA » Olivia said « I hope so, how can I help you ? » « Well Robyn we were wondering, sorry to ask again but weren't you supposed to start today ?»

My eyes grew wide as my eyebrow start dancing. I wasn't supposed to start today hell no

« I don't think so, I mean I asked to the RH department to postponed my arrival since I have a trip planned » « Oh my baaaaaaaaaad » Olivia shooted « What is it » he asked to Olivia I think « I totally forgot to tell you, Cindy told me few weeks ago but it disappeared from my mind »

My heart stoped racing fast when I told them

« You scared me ! » « I'm so sorry Robyn, William I'm sorry too » « Oh it's ok, you owe us a coffe when she arrives » « Deal » she said laughing « You better note that, or you will forget it too » « Very funny » « Anyway sorry to have bothered you Robyn » William said « It's fine » « Where are you going ? » Olivia asked « Sorry ? » « You said you are goin on a trip, where is it ? »

I twisted my face. How is that suppposed to concern them ? Robyn stay open, be nice, they're just trying to be nice.

« Tulum » « Oh Mexico, well lucky you » « Oh my god, I wish I could have holidays to a place like this » « Anyway Robyn, enjoy you're trip and come back to us resourced. You can't wait to work with you » « Thank you, see you soon » « Bye »

I hang up, a weird feeling in my guts. I mean they were nice. But I'm not really use to have this kind of conversation with my bosses. I tought that they were a good duo both of them. I find myself a little anxious about having two bosses but it's goin to be fine.

Im goin to tell you this, and ear me out when I say: You got this.

I got this. I wanted to turn back on the music. So I scrolled my screen when I saw an Instagram notification.

@bignasty wants to follow you

My face twisted again. Big nasty ? What the hell is that. I'm sure this is a porn count, or a pervet who will try to slide in my Dm. So many weird people on social medias. Thanks god the private button exists so I can control borders 😂 I clicked on it when I saw his face.

Wow.

I took few step back to my couch as my hand was on my chest. Jesus Christ. I found myself put my hand on my mouth so I don't scream and laugh akwardly. God. It was Florian. I mean I think. No no no it was him. How can you forget a face like this. I hold my breath as scrolled down his feed. This man was... l have no word. I rubbed my eyes trying to get back to earth, with a big dumb smile on my face when my phone rang

Xandra 💍 is calling

I picked up and put her on the speaker. I said hi to her in a low voice, I was feeling like I'm out of breath

« GUUUUUUUURL » she screamed « Wassup » « Did Florian asked you on Ig ? » « He did. » « GIRRRL DID YOU SAW THESE PICTURES ?!!!! » « Alexandra, i was checking him when you called » « GURRRRRRL IF YOU DONT EAT HIM ON THIS TRIP I'M KILLING YOU »

I start rubbing my eye again. He was something else. God. Why do I feel this. Then I found myself playing with my finger, where my engagement ring used to be.

It gave me a quick reminder.

« Ok he is super hot, but don't count on me for that » « You're such a child when you act like that. You know what, I'm sure you pantie is already soaking looking at his pic, so just wait. When he is goin in front of you there will be no « don't count on me for that » » « shut up » « Have you end your suite case ? » « Not yet, I think it will be handle this evening» « Ok look listen to me wisely. I don't know what you choose but switch it all up with sexiest stuff » « I'm tired of you »

We stayed on the phone for like an hour. You know how it is when besties are on the phone. All the day she kept teasing me with Florian but I didn't give attention. But I wanted to make her laugh a little so I teased her with a screen and a meme

She hit me back with a message 

« gurl this is too much, you really goin to miss this chance »

What chance ? He just followed me on Instagram. I didn't even accept him yet. He must have a girlfriend, or be a fuck boy. Maybe is he gay. Ok Robyn overthinking AGAIN. It's goin to be cute holidays. I don't want to mess this up.

—— 3836 words

Wassup guys ?

How do you feel about this beginning ?

Is everything understable ? I'm French so you know you girl is struggling a little 🙈

Do not hesitate to give me feedbacks, react, and all that stuff

Next step, Tulum baby 🥵

Take care

NEXT PART

[blissfulparker]

Dine and dash→pt.10 ceo!tom

Summary →tom comes into your diner every Tuesday and Thursday, it is no secret that he only goes for you. When will he ever be brave enough to say something, when will you ever be brave enough to let him in?

Warnings→fluff, angst, drinking

A/n→ Sorry this is so delayed, i haven't been in a place with good internet to post but now that i have some i get o post part 10 and i have 11 written and 12 too so i hope to get that edited and queued up. hope you guys enjoy!

“I wanna know how you did that.” You hand him the glass of wine as you join him on the couch.

Tom managed to get her in the bath, get her pajamas on, brush her teeth and hair without a single fuss or complaint. Every night something had to go wrong, she didn’t want to take a bath, or she didn’t want to brush her hair because it hurt, there was always something that went wrong.

But tom did it perfectly. She laughed and did everything right. She even picked up her room with a smile, every time you asked her to pick up her room she’d have a fit. All her stuffed animals on her dresser, all her toys in her bin, her bag ready for tomorrow. Tom finished it all up with two bedtime stories and now she was out like a light.

Now you had the Netflix home screen on and cuddled up on Toms side. You had a relaxing night at home for once in your life. She was asleep and you had no chores to do expect be with your boyfriend, but that wasn’t a chore.

“I don’t know what to tell you.” He says and wraps his arms around you. You take a sip and then rest your head on his shoulder.

“It’s like she loves you more than me.” You whine a bit feeling like you’re loosing as a mother and he moves to look at you.

His soft fingers touch your chin to lift it up and look at you. “She doesn’t love me more than you, why would you say that?” He asks and you sigh feeling helpless.

“I dunno, she just looks at you like you’re this sort of god. She listens to you and she follows you like a lost puppy. Maybe it’s just because you’re a man and sees you as a dad but—I don’t know.” You take another sip and fall back on his shoulder. “Seeing her da—Henry just made me feel weird. Like I did something wrong and he did the right thing. I mean I don’t regret Cara, she’s the light of my life. But I feel like I just shut everything out after I had her, I didn’t go to art school, I didn’t travel, I didnt go out on Friday’s and stay in touch with friends. I feel like I gave up on myself after I had her. And now you come in and you’re perfect, absolutely perfect, you’re nice to her, you like me for some reason, and you’re pretty, and you’re successful, so successful! I don’t understand why you like me.” You whine and he giggles a bit, not because of your speech, because you’re drunk and don’t understand yourself.

“How much did you drink tonight?” He asks and you shake your head.

“I dunno, a glass or two at dinner and then a glass when you were getting her to sleep? Wait, maybe two glasses when you were getting her to sleep.” You tell him and he takes your glass and set it on the coffee table.

“I don’t really know what to say to someone who had a child and was alone for such a long time. But I’m here now, and I love you and I love Cara, and you don’t have to deal with everything alone anymore. And Henry, he was a selfish ass and you know that.” He touches your hair and your eyes are damp with tears.

“You love me?” You choke out and he nods.

“Yeah, is it still too early to say that?” He spoke slightly scared that you wouldn’t say the word back and he just messed up a relationship with one of the best girls he’s met.

“N-No, it’s not too early. I love you too.” You giggle a little. A goofy smile appears on his face. Tom doesn’t really smile at work, strictly businesses. He says good morning with no smile and sits in his office all day usually annoyed with his work. But with you, he has the biggest smile.

“I got really lucky.” He let’s you fall back on his chest as he picks out a show for you two to watch.

“I’m dating the richest, sexiest man in London. I think I got really lucky.” You mumble into his shoulder. He smirks as he squeezes your side.

“You’re drunk.” He reminds you and you shake your head.

“No, you’re extremely hot, you’re the ceo Of one of London’s best companies, and I don’t even know what you guys do over there but you make it look good. Not to mention you have an extremely big—” he stops you before you finish your sentence.

“Okay, darlin’, okay.” He Let’s His thumb massage your thigh and you calm into his side.

“Don’t leave me.” You reach for your glass and he stops you before you can get it.

“I won’t, promise.” He pulls you back into him.

“Where are those cute little glasses of yours, you look like peter Parker.” You touch his curls and give them a soft tug. Tom didn’t mean to get turned on by that but he loved it when all the times you had sex you’d tug his hair.

“Okay, maybe we should get you off to bed.” He picks you up and You giggle at how fast he moves.

“Will You Be there when I wake up?” You ask and he laughs as he pushes open the door.

“Promise you I will.”

~

Your body felt gross, you had a headache after drinking a bit too much while tom was being responsible. You hated yourself for doing that, honestly. But everything hurt and you needed to drown it all out for just one night.

Tom was missing as well, but this time there were no crashing in the kitchen, no running around, he had left to take Cara to school and most likely go to work. There was a small sticky note with Advil and water.

Took Cara to school and there are Bagels on the counter, we can meet for lunch if you’d like? Let me know how you’re feeling♥︎

You smile at the note and pop the pulls in your mouth taking the water to follow them. You felt like taking a shower, cleaning your whole body from last night.

Although there was loud banging coming from the door. It hurt your head and the sun from the windows didn’t help.

“Tom just open the door, I know you have a key!” You shout ignoring it. The bangs got louder as you took the poppyseed bagel out of its bag and that’s when you turned to open the door.

“Tom, stop bang—” you pulled the red door open and there stood Henry, the man you hated dearly still and didn’t know how he got your address.

“Look I came to talk—” he started, he was wearing a New York sweatshirt and wrinkled jeans.

“How did you find my house?” Your hand turned white on the door handle and you felt like this was just a hallucination from the hangover.

“Your mum and my mum still go to the same book club. Apparently they’re friends and still keep in touch, she had your address.” He gives a lopsided smile. You knew your mum still talked to his, they’ve always been friends.

“So why are you here?” You spit and he rocked back and forth on his heels.

“I was a bit rough yesterday, we didn’t get to properly talk.” He tried and you want to laugh, so badly do you want to laugh. You don’t though, you try and shut the door. “Wait!” He stops it with his shoe. “Please.”

“What do you want me to do? I’m so confused! You’re gone for six years and you come back when my life is perfect and want to crawl back in on one pity sorry?” You throw your hands up and he looks around, you could care less if you made him cry.

“I just wanna meet her! Is that too much to ask?” He begs now with his hands up in the air.

“Yes! That is! She doesn’t deserve you! She doesn’t know who you are and she doesn’t deserve to know who you are.” You shout, the shouting alone hurts your head and you want to go back in bed and call tom to come cuddle.

“And what the guy your fucking deserves to be her dad?” He scoffs and you look at him in shock.

“Yeah and if you’re not any different,” you laugh this time and he leans against your door.

“Let’s see, I took you to prom—” he starts and you let your head fall on the door.

“You took me to prom doesn’t make up for leaving me with a baby!” You scream and right as you do your phone rings. You start to talk again but the ringing keeps going and causes you to sigh and grab it.

“Hello?” You pinch the bridge of your nose.

“Darlin’! Did I wake you?” Tom asks. He’s driving, you can hear that you’re on speaker phone.

“No, no,” You look over to the man still in your doorway waiting for you to come back. “Thank you, by the way. The bagels, taking Cara to school, it was the nicest thing anyone’s done for me in awhile.” You look over at Henry as you say those words.

“No problem, it was her idea. Anyways, I left my watch and wanted to know if you can bring it when we get lunch? If not then that’s okay I can just—” you cut him off before he starts his nervous rambles.

“I can bring it, of course. I’m kinda doing something right now but I love you and will see you soon.” You tell him and he says a quick I love you before you hand up and focus on the problem at your door.

“As I was saying—” He starts again and you shake your head.

“No, no, you can’t be here and you can’t see her. I’m done okay? I’m sorry you wasted your time with coming here but you can’t see her, she’s not yours. If you try and bring lawyers in that’s a bad idea because you know I’ll win.” You tell him and he looks like he’s about to cry but you didn’t care, you wanted him gone.

“You can’t be serious.” He chokes out a laugh and you furrow your brows.

“Funny, I think those were the exact words I said to you the day you left.” You presses your lips into a smile and shut your door.

You lean your head against the door and look over to a picture of Cara on her first day of school. She wore the required uniform and had her curls pulled back into a ponytail. She was yours, and now Toms, you two took care of her and no one else did.

You grab the phone and try to call tom again. The call went to voicemail, twice, you assume he’s busy and can’t use his phone while working. You need him right now though, certain times you need him the most.

You sit there, the sound of the coffee machine dripping fresh coffee, the morning news instead of Cara’s cartoons or shows. Any other day you’d love to be alone, have a nice relaxing morning and paint but right now you wanted tom and your girl, in bed making your laugh.

The sound of your phone rings once again. Toms name with hearts pop up and make you smile. You are quick to press the answer button wanting to hear his voice.

“Hey I saw you called again?” He asked, his voice deeper and it sounded as if he was around people.

“I thought maybe I can return that watch now?” You ask. You didn’t know where the thing was but you were will to look for it if that meant you saw him faster.

“Oh,” he looks around. “I’m in some meetings—” he hears your sigh and can tell something is bothering you so he doesn’t want to disappoint. “But I can have my receptionist let you up.” He tells you and you let your head fall on the counter.

“Thank you.” You whisper and let some tears fall.

“Love, what’s wrong?” His voice soft and full of concern.

“I’ll explain when I’m there.” You sniffle and he feels his heart ache.

“Okay, drive safely, I’ll be here.” He assures you and you sit up and sip your coffee.

“Okay.” You hang up. You order an Uber knowing that you are in no condition to drive. You find the watch he wanted on your nightstand sitting there pretty in gold. Sometimes you wondered why all the expensive stuff, he was rich but he never acted rich. As in he never acted like an asshole who threatened you.

You threw on an old sweater and some baggy jeans. It always shocks you how London can manage to be cold and rainy when some people would still consider it summer. Hard rain poured down not helping with your mood.

When your Uber arrived you didn’t say much except the address. He for a second started boasting about how his son worked for the company and how hard it was to get a job. Although it probably wasn’t, tom is pretty nice but you didn’t really know how he was business wise.

“Thank you.” You gave him a half smile as you get out of the car tipping him. You walk up to the building slightly intimidated, all the professional people walking in and out and you’re wearing a sweater and jeans.

“Hi, I’m here for tom holland.” You ask the woman and she gives you a look up and down.

“Name?” She asks and you say your name and she looks at you again.

“Go on up.” She spoke before going back to her computer.

The elevator ride is long, the longest you’ve ever been. There were sixteen floors and tom was at the very top. When you got to his floor it was a lot more peaceful than the one at the bottom.

“Excuse me?” Another woman asked noticing you trying to figure out which office is Toms. “You must be (y/n)? Mr. Holland’s door is down at the end.” She smiles and you nod before walking all the way down and knocking on the door.

“Tom?” You ask as it opens. Tom looks up from his desk. His look was sexy, something you didn’t see at the diner usually. A dark black suit and his hair slicked down into place with gel, he wore his glasses and a serious look that softened at you.

“Babygirl.” He moves his chair back and you come over to him. He motioned for you to sit on his lap which you gladly did. “What happened when I left?” He asked sensing something was wrong.

“Henry came over.” You laid your head on his chest. You felt bad since you were wet from the rain but he didn’t mind.

“What?” He asked as if he wanted to kill the man for talking to you again.

“I told him to leave, that he can’t see Cara again. I just started feeling everything I felt last night again and it hurt. It hurt a lot. I know I’m acting like a baby but I wanted to see you.” You sniffle staring st his computer taking in all the numbers.

“You know the first time I tried to flirt with you, you rolled your eyes.” He tells you. It was true, he looked up a cheesy pick up line and you rolled your eyes. He didn’t give up, he refused to give up on you.

“I know.” You touch the curls that weren’t soft but crunchy.

“I love you a lot. I think you are perfect. I knew that since day one, and I don’t want some asshole to make you rethink any of that.” He presses a kiss to the top of your head.

“I don’t deserve you.” You look at him and he presses soft kisses along You jaw.

“I think it’s the other way around.” He pulls you down and presses sloppy kisses all around your face. He paused as he saw your emotions drop again.

“When Cara was a baby, I was so scared that everyone would hate me for being so young with a baby. She was impossible some days and I thought we’d never make it, me up all day and night. I thought no one would want to date someone with a kid as young as me but you are so incredibly sweet to us.” You tell him and he feels himself warm in the heart from your words and pulls you into his chest.

“You don’t have to be alone anymore.” He touches your damp hair. “You both don’t have to be alone anymore.” He reminds you and you sigh tracing patterns on his clothed thigh.

“So,” you get up and look at him again. “Want me to pick something up for lunch? I should leave now, no one knows how to drive in the rain.” You laugh a bit and tom holds you down.

“I can have someone bring us up something, can you stay like this all day?” He asks and you look at all his work in front of him.

“You have work, tommy.” You tell him and he shakes his head kissing the small of your neck.

“I’ll do it later, it’s also hard right now and I don’t wanna worry about it.” He says and you smile wrapping your arms around him just to stay like this a little longer.

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[dreamy-stars]

7/30/20

i’ve never felt this low in a long time, not even in sophomore year of college?? it’s like rly concentrated sadness and rly hit hard within the last month?

- i went through my first breakup, which affected me a lot more than i thought it would. it was so short lived i don’t even want to call it a relationship. i hate to admit it but it hurt so much bc it seemed like he wanted to be with me for a while. he has his reasons and he should take care of himself but i can’t help but feel thrown away without care? i wanted closure and he couldn’t even give me that. my self confidence went down the drain, and i kept questioning if there was something i could have done differently. i even contemplated if i was pretty enough XD can you believe i let a 5’6 man make me feel like this...pathetic...but yeah he rly has no emotional intelligence or something man cmon i wanna talk it out.. - it took me a while to get over him and now i dont miss him specifically, i just miss being wanted and having that connection? anyway my confidence was bad at this point and was feeling insecure in so many ways. maybe 3-4 weeks ago i started going down this dark hole, just questioning my purpose here. i’m not smart, pretty, or talented in any field. i felt kind of useless? just there... (even typing this im like tearing up hehe) comparing myself to ppl again..how i’m not good enough (in eng) just kinda wasting my parents money? and i think about if i were prettier i’d prob be treated better and those around me would pay nore attention to me? brings me to my next point :p - i feel SO lonely. it doesnt help that i went through a break up and the person i was talking to all day every day is suddenly cut from my life. my friends can contact me and stuff but i feel so left out sometimes. it’s not their fault, it’s just how my brain is ig lol. it felt like i was back in high school. i had acquaintances and was surrounded by friends but couldnt rly connect and be close to ppl. what i remeber most was being at the booth and being surrounded by girl friends and not adding to the convo at all. i felt so lonely and insecure i never want to feel that again. recently i felt it with my cousins who i have always felt close to. can u believe? i can’t rly explain it. but when sp brought her friends to the lake i felt ostracized. its so stupid for ne to feel that way, they’re literally strangers and i wish we could be like white folks that introduce each other right at the start of meeting new ppl U KNOW?? idk i’m so fucking sensitive LOL. like at least mai did it with her bf. I Am Nothing. like sp didnt introduce tp so why am i feeling like this. i guess its just me and my deep rooted trauma of being overlooked and forgotten! even when we went to the lake with just our cousins i felt SOOO SOOOOOOOO down and lonely, even more than before. i was sticking near ap bc it was kinda awkward still and i didnt want her to be lonely. i was just floating around and they played games and talked together and stuff and i felt invisible i felt so lonely even with so many ppl i love there. it didn’t help that they had sleepovers and hung out together so ich and never asked me. they even planned to sleepover later that night and didnt ask me. i wonder if it was bc i was neutral and stuck with ap? oh yeah i forgot that i couldnt go eat with them bc there was no room for me which is understandable but i still felt shitty and i think i cried that night :p it’s small insignificant things that build up for me and make me feel like an afterthought. it rly fueled my self confidence issue. AGAIN no one did anything wrong i’ve just been very sensitive and analytical of everything lately. it’s kind of led me to being distant with sp kinda like im testing her and seeing if she would reach out to me at all? its petty but i feel like she hates me fr 😂 might just be me. I Am Nothing...

ANYWAY ive been crying like pretty often just having these thoughts eat me up. it’s better now i think? it’s scary to admit but i’ve thought about dying so many times recently and i hate it. almost like it’s normalized to me now. it’s not that i would ever attempt but i understand what ppl mean when they want to disappear? i’m very blessed with loving parents and a healthy able body and a good living situation. i never want to put my parents and family through something that traumatizing. i haven’t properly expressed these feelings to anyone besides one watered down text to darwin. it was hard to even type the text, i ended up crying in the bathroom. i’ll have bad days and the thoughts creep up on me and i try to distract myself by watching stuff and it helps. i’ve been working out and dieting and i feel a lot better about myself and more positive. i’ve thought about therapy seriously but im hesitant still. if i still have issues i will, but talking through a screen and the risk of others hearing kinda turns me off. just processing my feelings and thinking about them extensively has helped me a bit but i think having a professional tell me about my feelings will make me feel better. idk how to bring it up at all, and i feel like my issues arent serious enough? but my brain been going cwazy :3

 i’ve been having a rough time at home just doing a lot of nothing but being sad and working out.. i hope with school starting soon i can get out the house and be productive again! recently ive been dealing with the problem of “living for others” i notice that i care about the comfort of others and how i can satisfy them and appeal to others at my expense.. i’ve been thinking about how im not good enough for this type of guy to like me LIKE WHO AMMM IIII WHY DO I CARE...WEIRDO..... maybe im dragging myself too hard i dont think i do this much but i do be a nice comfy doormat for others :)

but overall i feel better than a few weeks ago i think! idk what that was about why is my brain like this....making irrational thoughts and hurting my own feelings...idk but it will be okay :)

[kissmethroughthebone]

"I'm not like other girls, I don't need an allowance from my man" headass SB

"He doesn't like girls who use sugaring for financial gain or to rise up in society 💅💫"

...yeah, babe, so of course the man with two daughters older than you LOVES the fact that you fucked him at his house, TWO DAYS AND NIGHTS IN A ROW, and all you asked for out of him was a subway sandwich anf his wine cabinet.

.....

My only time EVER having a "fuck me just for fast food" phase, was with FWBs who I literally had no interest in, and, when I never had entered the bowl, nor knew of many places outside of Burger King and Chipotle for their broke asses to get me food from, so. :) thats on that.

And so imagine me, a year later, with experience and knowledge of making men old and young buy me things, clothes, food, gifts, ubers, car trips, anything in the world, and with my ass sitting pretty in the most expensive hotel in all of the city, and 400 dollars richer with pork roast and more in my stomach...

Teaching a newbie SB about the bowl.

And all the advice, tips, about manifesting her goals, funding her schooling, abstaining from sex right off the bat, meeting in public, safety advice, what to look for and avoid....

All that.

Anything you could think of, I fucking told her that.

And she.

Fucked.

Immediately.

.....

Met him at his house at 10pm for the "first date"...... stupid bitch. Strike one, but her not listening to the valuable advice of "dont go to his house, he could kill you or just hit it and dip" was telling enough of how she had viewed our friendship.

Then she saw he put out a *fruit platter* for her.

Nice..... but then didn't serve her dinner.

Smoked her out. Fine, you got weed. Cool...

And maybe an hour or two into them "really clicking", a.k.a. probably her talking while stoned and him just nodding everything on to be fucking polite... she takes him by the hand, leads him into the bedroom and fucks him totally unprovoked.

OH WOW, SIS.

I know some sugar babies still get an allowance or arrangement even after still having sex, but jesus.......

Then he left for work, and let her stay at his place. Fucked again. He gave her a subway sandwich, not even a footlong, since she "wasnt all that hungry"...

1) Cool, so she didnt even get a dinner out of it.

2) She's been rewarded for dick with half of a footlong, (NOT EVEN A FULL ONE SIS HE HAS THE MONEY AND YOU WOULD BE HUNGRY LATER????,) and with all the liquor in his cabinets. That she chugged most of the morning and night, before going "But I'm not really all that into drinking, anyways", while chugging a vodka + white wine + other intense alcohol concoction she whipped up over Instagram Chat.

And..... I was pissed. :)

And 3) She never discussed an allowance before meeting.

.....

You can imagine the screams I have, deep in my soul, after maybe four hours or MORE of straight up teaching her all I know.

Then when I told her I was disappointed in her not taking my advice, she hit me with the Pick Me level shit.

"He doesn't want a girl who uses sugaring for financial gain or social status!"..... so, hes broke, and/or you're dating a sugar daddy that won't give sugar? I hope your hands get soft from all the exfoliation caused by the rock you're trying to cause to bleed, that shit wont work sis.

"I'm a big girl, I can handle myself. Trust me, I know a bad situation when I see one, and THAT wasnt one!".... Sure, a 50 year old pathetic college professor with a slim body doesnt terrify you, but a pathetic college professor can get preeeeetty scary when he roofies and rapes you. But, she wasnt thinking that far ahead if she walked to a random mans house, in the skimpiest clothes ever, at the dead of night while claiming nothing bad would happen and she would not fuck him....

Even if nothing too terrible did, something couldve. If the thing of "i wont fuck him dont worry" did happen and she didnt think shed do it before meeting him, imagine what else she didnt think would happen could've happened....

And just several rants of her saying her intuition would tell her.

.....

I sympathized; she had been in several abusive relationships with terrible men, and wass most recently dumped by some fuckhead who was grooming her.

So the attention of an older man giving her free booze of a big selection, some pretty bomb dick, and letting her sleep over and giving her fruit???? Totally head above heels, when the bar is literally just "be white, and treat me somewhat human, even if it's rooted in selfish acts", and even her last neckbeard boyfriend from discord had her convinced that he was "the best thing to ever happen to her in life".

And.... the one that struck me the most, was the remark of "using men for financial gain" part.

I knew I had an off vibe about her when she was deadpanning and rolling her eyes hearing how good I had it anywhere in my life; but ESPECIALLY with sugaring. (Or an open relationship with two hot guys who treated me right, but alas, she could barely even find one for her.)

And yet once she got single, she was begginggggg to hear how I did it.

And... more signs came that she was interested in the fantasy and not the reality, or sometimes vice versa.

Rolling her eyes when I told her that a 25 dollar weekly allowance was so fucking low.

When I told her that anything she wanted, even a rose gold Apple Watch and a new laptop, an apartment, or whatever she wanted, could be at her fingertips if she plays all her cards right.

When I gave her safety advice.

When I told her about my life.

Anything.

She had been either repulsed, doubtful, disdainful, or nonplussed about it.

And look whar happened....

An old man was shown he could fuck a thick black girl for two to three days, nonstop, for a single subway sandwich.

What a shame.

Thats fucking sad my dudes.

Aaaaand her overall subtle hating on me showed its ass when she said what he said.

So I'M the bad guy, for actually expecting a sugar daddy to do what he says, and knows enough to know that sex too soon wont end well?

So she's gonna hate on me for caring about HER safety and not wanting her to ignore every safety precaution advised?

That's like being mad at a construction site owner for wanting you to wear a hard hat, and your reasoning being "I MISSED THE HUGE ROCK FALLING DOWN, ITS NO BIG DEAL! I TRUST MY INSTINCTS, JESUS CHRIST".

Plus, it did strike a cord.

But I just thought:

Yes, I do want a successful future.

I want rich babies, a funded college education, an apartment and a lifestyle of my own to support.

And most importantly, my fucking heart to keep beating.

So excuse me if a girl wastes my time and hers, by not taking my advice and risking her life all for the sake of a Subway sandwich, and not funding for a huge life of her dreams, and just for a subpar meal for one night.

I know how to flip my future from his shitty bunk bed, to a life of champagne and caviar.

And she knows how to flip her life from wanting to be a successful sugar baby that supposedly makes enough money to move out with me, buy groceries, and have a potentially funded college......

To..... a subway sandwich and an alcohol problem, and a number, that blocks her days after having sex.

......

I was done with her.

I never thought there'd be girls insecure enough to stoop that low.

Low enough to shun another girl, who does the same thing and gets a thousand times more thsn she does.

[imbumkyung]

I Saw It In A Movie One Time (ch. 1) - My

(twilight x reader)

Pairing: undecided

Chapter 2

Warnings: none! But this doesnt include the twilight world just yet

Most of her days were being spent like this lately. At home, walk the dogs, help out mom with the house, say she’ll do this and that— but doesn’t. Except on the rare occasions that she does. Thats why even after a whole month of not going out with her friends and ninety percent of her day being spent at home, her room was only getting messier. And honestly, in 2019, cell phone addictions are to blame.

Hours in her room dressing up with nowhere to go, and even more hours on instagram watching how much fun everyone else was having. In truth, it was a hole she dug on her own, rejecting invites and not creating them. She knew she needed to lose weight before going into the military because let’s face it— she can’t succeed in life any other way if education was never going to work out for her. She needed some sort of security for her future and if college wasn’t going to do it, the military would have to. Or at least that’s what her parents told her.

Though she was content, there was the part of her that wished there was some other way. But there wasn’t. She tried a whole dreadful year of college as an art major, and through that year she prioritized anything but school. She prioritized dancing and her social life. It hit her like a car crash that she couldn’t live on like this especially the the angel on her shoulder telling to her make the right decisions or her parents would find out about her antics. So when the car crash happened while she was supposed to be in school— instead she was on her way to get her nails done— it was the last straw for mom and dad.

The only thing that really made her want to stay away from the military was the boy she was talking to earlier in the year. That stupid boy. Long story short, the heartbreak he gave her really made her realize how strong she wanted to be, and let her dad know she wanted to see a recruiter the very next day. A maybe it was impulsive, but definitely rational.

So there she was, in her room at twelve noon, telling her long time friend Soren that she couldn’t hang with him because “her mom was mad at her and won’t let her go out”.

“It’s all good” he texted back.

Kaileia sighed. The only thing she could do was go to the beach, walk her dogs, go to the gym or wish she was as happy as she saw her friends were on instagram. Until her family vacation to California that was to happen in two weeks from now, passing time would be a burden. Deciding she’d soak in a bit of the Hawaii sun before coming back to her room only to be on her phone some more and possibly make some art, she peeled herself off the bed, prepared herself for the day and took her dogs out for a walk.

Besides the stressful pull of the leash her Border Collie– Athena– provided every time she saw another dog, these walks were always peaceful and provided much headspace. Hawaii was a beautiful combination for magnificent islands and Kauai was no exception. The humidity was just right, the sun was warm enough, the waters were usually friendly just as the people were. With so much headspace, her thoughts had everywhere to go.

“The population of Native Hawaiians are going dangerously low—I’m really no exception. I’m not even full Hawaiian. Poi donuts sound great right now. How are my sister and her boyfriend going to handle a long distance relationship? I wonder if if Kai actually likes football. Does he have a girlfriend? Whoever gets my little brother will be so lucky. I wonder if Keiki is doing okay in middle school. Mom has work tonight. Having two jobs and four kids is so stressful. Let’s not forget that Dad is going to school too— for the sole purpose of making money. The military pays him for it.

I wonder what Mark saw in Jennika that he didn’t see in me.

Her expression clouded, not wanting to remember him. They ended on a good note, but upon seeing that he decided to pursue a relationship with her and not him, it hurt her pride. A lot.

Snapping out of it and watching her two dogs happily walking along the beach, tongues out and frolicking about, she smiled. “These two have my whole heart” She thought.

What if life was different? If I had friends who texted me more than once in a blue moon. If I wasn’t on instagram all the time and I was actually out in the world. If I actually had people to shop with— okay maybe not that one. Shopping with other people around is distracting. But still, I wish I was closer with people.

Life right now was lonely for her. Soren’s invitation was one he sent for the first time in 2 months. Not that it’s his fault. She’d turn down his last one because she was too heartbroken by Mark to see anybody.

Nearing halfway through her route, she whipped out her phone to put on Pokémon Go! After all, it’d be a waste to pass all these pokestops even if she wasn’t planning on catching anything at the moment.

It was 1 p.m. and she was back from the walk. The sound of two little girls and a baby filled the house as they ran around pretending to be Elsa and Aurora in their pink and blue dresses.

She took out a mug and began to steep white tea. After a few minutes of this, she boiled 2 eggs, ate a banana, and made toast to put peanut butter on later.

“Going to the gym later?”, her mom, Mahealani questioned, holding the baby on her hip. She ran an at-home day care while working at a restaurant after 5p.m.

Kaileia cast an annoyed look for a quick second before muttering a “yeah”.

Ever since the emotional conversation to her mom about not wanting to pursue college, her mom made sure she knew that the military would be secure, and that she had to go as soon as possible in order to retire early. Mahea wanted the best for her daughter. The idea was always in her air, but Kaileia wanted to try out college first.

3p.m. Go to the gym because mom told you to

4p.m. Just a few more sets and we’ll go home.

Text from: Miko

Hey do you wanna go to Na Pali later? CJ and Li are coming too

Kaileia smiled, she loved that coast and the fish she could swim with that were within 4 feet high of the ocean

Text to: Miko

I’m down what time tho?

Text from: Miko

We’re gonna go at like 6 do u need a ride

Text to: Miko

yeeeee

5p.m.

”Should I take a shower? I just worked out but I’m gonna go in the ocean,” Kaileia asked Miko over the phone

���Just dont wash your hair I guess honestly I dont know,” Miko replied

“Bitch what if I infect the ocean,” Kaileia jokingly exclaimed

“Bitch, I don’t know! The fish will die I guess!” Miko laughed.

“Amazing,” Kaileia deadpanned.

“Oh and Li’s not coming anymore,” Miko mentioned

“Why?”

“I don’t know I think him and his mans are gonna do crackhead things,”

“I’m surprised,” Kaileia said sarcastically

“Same,” Miko said

7p.m.

Kaileia, CJ, and Miko walked in their swimsuits and towels along the coast, finding their usual spot before running right in. The two girls hair flowing behind them in the wind while CJ’s curls bounced with him.

8p.m.

The trio finally walked out of the water, feeling as if gravity was pulling them harder than usual.

Sitting on the towels, Kaileia suddenly asked, “Do you guys ever wish life was different?”

“Shit is it sad girl hours already?” CJ asked, earning a short chuckle from Miko.

“I honestly don’t even know like— the ocean has me feeling some type of way,” Kaileia explained.

“I wish I didnt have a nicotine addiction,” CJ suddenly joked, while taking a hit from his vape. The girls both laughed. “I don’t wanna be gay no more this shit making me stupid I swear” they laughed even harder at his half-assed excuses.

“Shut up hoe you love being gay,” Miko swatted him while taking a hit

“You right though,” he aknowledged

“You guys radiate crackhead energy like 24/7,” Kaileia said

And it was true. Out of the four— Li being absent— Kaileia was the most “normal” one. Not to say she wasn’t as crazy as them, she just was normal at more times than they were.

The rest of the night was filled with vine references, creating tik tocs on the beach, and taking “Hot Girl Summer” beach photos. Though it was dark, Kaileia decided to go for one last swim, taking Miko with her. CJ stayed behind to enjoy the night time coast while the girls ran in. Kaileia ran faster, underestimating the tide as she was already in 4feet deep and still being pulled in as she was deeper now and the wave aggressively towering over her at 7 feet. Stunned, she held her breath and braced herself.

“Kai!” Miko yelled, panicked

The only thing Kaileia heard after that was the gargling sounds of the unforgiving ocean before everything went black.

Tag list : @sunflowerspectre

Heres the first chapter! Before jumping into the Twilight world, I kinda wanted you guys to know the character a little bit. Thank you for reading! Likes, Reblogs, Suggestions / Recommendations & Critiques are appreciated!!

[beesmygod]

this is what riverdale is about (part 4)

part 1

part 2

part 3

i’m back, to continue from where we left off. obnoxiously, i’m going to take a minute to plug my patreon, which is primarily for my webcomic but i also do movie reviews and talk about bad books i find so if you like these posts, you’ll probably like those as well. all i ask....is one dollar a month.

anyway fuck that let’s get back into this.

images are from the riverdale wiki

SEASON ONE (PART 2):

the last picture show: immediately this show reveals that our beloved jughead has been living in a nearly abandoned drive-in that he also works at. too bad for him, because it’s closing down. hilariously, literally nobody in his circle of friends cares and call his make-shift house a crack den. owned. its revealed an anonymous buyer purchased it from the town and the mayor decided to sell it to whoever.

archie brings flowers to his teacher-girlfriend’s recital and when he and grundy (and his dad) head to pop’s for a good ol malt or whatever, betty confronts him about his relationship. betty is hurt when he says grundy believed in him when no one else did and goes home with renewed purpose: take grundy down.

veronica’s mom is caught having a heated argument with a member of the southside serpents gang next to a dumpster by cheryl who, as she delights in misery and disaster, captures it all on camera. she shows veronica, who confronts her mother who brushes her off.

betty lures grundy into a fake interview for her school paper instead of going to the police. betty seems to be determining all of this based on the fact that she didnt have any social media until a year ago, which really makes me question betty’s journalistic bonefides. its framed like this means she didn’t exist before she got a twitter or whatever. its really weird. more relevant is that the only record of a geraldine grundy.....WAS AN OLD WOMAN WHO DIED 7 YEARS AGO!!!!! she takes this information to archie as well, who doesn’t care at all. he’s way too horny to care.

betty breaks into grundy’s vw bug and finds a gun and her real i.d. with her real name. archie is still too horny to care, even though betty (again, really overstepping her journalistic bounds) says that grundy might have killed jason (BASED ON THE EXISTENCE OF A GUN BETTY!!! COME ON). archie finally asks grundy straight up what the fuck is going on and she cops to trying to escape from an abusive husband, hence the gun and fake names.

jughead finds out that archie’s dad’s construction company won the bid to destroy the drive-in. its a bad time to be jughead. he tries to ask archie’s dad not to tear down the drive-in. through this convo we learn that jughead’s dad was fired from andrews construction several years ago for theft. a scene after this reveals that veronica’s mom is facilitating the purchase of the drive-in with the mayor pn behalf of her incarcerated husband.

i’m so glad the wiki reminded me of this line, word for word: everyone (and i mean literally everyone in town) goes to the drive-in for one last hurrah, where the southside serpents are guffawing up a storm. veronica somehow silences them by saying “You know what happens to a snake when a Louboutin heel steps on it? Shut the hell up or you’ll find out.“ it sucks so bad. veronica then witnesses her mother having an encounter with the same gang member who she is revealed to be paying to drive down the value of the drive-in property so hiram lodge can buy it for cheap.

archie and grundy are caught in a passionate embrace after betty’s mom reads her diary and goes on the warpath, rightfully telling her to get the fuck out of town or she’ll reveal her to be a child molester. grundy agrees to leave and archie is heartbroken. the last show of geraldine this season is her ogling two teen boys. horrible. leave, woman.

jughead leaves his shitty home and on his way out is accosted by the same gang member who was talking to hermoine lodge and is revealed to be....JUGHEADS DAD!!!!!!!!!! whatever.

heart of darkness: the town is abuzz with jason’s upcoming funeral and the teens of riverdale are fighting over who gets to take the dead kids spot as captain of the football team in a really normal and not at all super ghoulish way. archie is working his heart out now that his favorite teacher/pedophile has fled town. he has his time wasted by a member of the pussycats, valerie, who nets him a meeting with a music songwriter who tells archie he doesn’t have time for his shit. its a weird and totally pointless scene in the long run. it doesnt matter because archie’s music thing never comes to anything. the guy tells archie later, when he returns with sheet music, that his songs suck shit and he hates his music and to get out of his office.

jason and polly’s (betty’s sister) relationship seems to be at the center of whatever happened to jason, so betty starts asking around town about her sister, by using dates as a cover to ask probing questions to members of the football team. she also tries asking her father, who explains that polly and jason had a fight, polly tried to kill herself and so was shipped off to a mental institution. learning about jason’s death fucked her up again so they shan’t be exposing her to more sordid info about the events. the only information they get is that jason was selling drugs to raise money to leave town.

betty and jughead trace this thread to find out why jason would want to leave town but veronica is already finding out firsthand after she is invited to the blossom mansion for the world’s worst sleepover before the memorial (cool timing): the blossoms are all insane. they make their money on maple syrup, using the funds to build riverdale as we know it. veronica and cheryl bond over their awful parents and versonic encourages cheryl to act out at jason’s memorial FOR SOME REASON. KNOWING FULL WELL WHO CHERYL IS.

demonstrating extremely normal judgement, betty and jughead plan to raid jason’s room during the memorial to find clues. cheryl goes full hamlet, throwing herself on the coffin and weeping during her eulogy. they use this as cover to sneak away and go commit the worst social faux-pax you truly can do. however, they are interrupted by cherly’s senile grandmother, nana rose, who mistakes her for polly and reveals polly and jason were engaged. 

betty takes this information to her father who reveals he already knows but forbid the arrangement because the blossoms and the coopers have been trying to kill each other for decades over the whole maple syrup empire thing. betty and jughead later suspect her dad broke into the sheriff's office to steal his files related to uhhh everything i guess; a hunch which turns out to be correct.

meanwhile veronica’s mom is sent a live snake by the serpent gang, calls big strong fred andrews to come save her and then asks him for a job.

faster pussycats! kill! kill!: first of all fuck, the name of this ep.

archie, for some reason because i guess he doesn’t know what embarrassment is, decides he’s going to play an original song he wrote for the school talent show. he immediately gets stage fright at the try-outs and wusses out. veronica goes behind his back to sign him up anyway. thanks, asshole!

valerie, from the last ep, quits the pussycats because josie is slightly more stressed than usual about uhhh the talent show. also because she has a crush on archie for some reason.

hermoine, while acting as fred andrews’ new secretary, realizes he’s fucking BROKE. why’d he hire her? who knows. too late now. she suggests firing some people (for example............her, maybe, fred) but fred cant bear it...and is hoping to be saved by the newest construction job he doesn’t know that hermoine is manipulating under the table. much like his son, fred is now too horny to care and they make out while veronica watches awkwardly.

the remaining pussycats try to figure out what to do about their missing member problem. josie’s mom helpfully lays out that they need a strong woman of color, but not one prettier or more talented than josie. enter...VERONICA!!! who is miffed because archie replaced her with valerie in the talent show duet. veronica is now scientifically less pretty and talented than josie by show standards, which just rules because i love thinking that there are teen power rankings in riverdale.

betty and jughead make their way to visit polly at The Sisters Of Quiet Mercy which is literally the best name for a goth cover band in the world. surprise! polly is pregnant with jason’s baby. polly reveals she and jason planned to run away together, but she was caught by her parents and sent away. she then awkwardly asks how jason is and someone has to break the news to her.

josie’s dad makes a brief appearance, which i absolutely do not remember at all. i thought he only showed up in season 3 which makes mayor mccoys character arc way more awkward. anyway, the mccoy family, the andrews and the lodges all have dinner together to discuss business and its awkward as all hell. no one at the table likes the andrews.

betty straight up asks her dad if he killed jason and her mom laughs her ass off at the idea of betty’s soft white suburban ham shank looking dad being able to kill a weed much less a human. keep that in mind.

veronica’s mom forges veronica signature on a form allowing andrews construction to move ahead with the job.

jughead and betty kiss after talking about how they arent their parents. keep that in mind. anyway, betty takes jughead to a car polly mentioned that full of EVIDENCE. they take picture of it and leave the car to go tell the sheriff because i guess suddenly no one has cellphones.  jughead and betty return with the sheriff later to find the car has been light up by an unknown person. almost immediately after, bughead tries to rescue polly at the institution only to find she’s already bailed. welp.

josie and valerie make up and all four pussycats perform. josie’s dad walks out on her performance? harsh. cool dad moves.

archie sings and the crowd loves it. who gives a shit.

a kid died, guys. come on.

[abthepoet]

All my friends are dead.

Something strange is trending in my life.

All my friends die.

At the beginning of my sophmore year in college, my roommate from freshman year died tragically in a single vehicle car crash. Her name was Allison Lynam. We called her Blake. She was sassy and funny and I wish I would've taken more time to know her.

The rain was torrential the night she died. I swear I've never seen it rain that hard ever again in my life. She drove to the store along Highway 36 in Long Branch,NJ. She had off campus housing that year and had to use the highway often. The road was terribly flooded the night she died. Im told she hydroplaned, spun, and T-boned the driver side smack into an electrical pole. Her family still decorates it.

At that very same moment, in my dorm room nearby, I was watching TV when the lights suddenly flickered and dimmed. A brown out.

I had no idea but that was my friend crashing into a pole and dying. She was 19 years old.

I know this because that accident happened near the mall. That accident killed the power to nearby businesses.

I later found out that the road she died on was so badly flooded, the police intended to close it. Why they didnt get to it in time, I'll never know. Maybe that's fate.

Then there was Jessica Blain. Jessica Blain was a firecracker of a human being. She was 100% unmistakable. One of the loudest, funniest, most loyal people and friends I have ever met. She was also an incredibly gifted singer and I was lucky enough to have Chorus with her. We, along with a small group of friends, founded a new greek organization on our campus, Alpha Xi Delta. We were paired up as Twins. (you can't have Bigs & Littles when you're just starting the Family Tree). We named the family we formed Fuck Up Your Shit. Because that's what we'd do for a friend. I miss her laugh most of all. It was loud and unapologetic. She was there for me, supportive, and encouraging without me ever having to ask. The night I officially finished college we all went out to the local gay club, The Colosseum. I got wasted, of course. But Jess was the person who when I shouted 'I have to pee' on the ride home, she stopped and knocked on strangers doors and asked to let me use their bathrooms. Nobody said yes so she held my hand while I peed on a fence instead. I remember the last time we spoke. She was at a concert with a mutual friend. We hadn't spoken much since I graduated, she was still in school.

She died in her dorm room bed on Halloween as a result of asphyxiation during an epileptic seizure. She was 20 years old. The news was broken to me that very same Halloween night as I floated along in NY on a concert cruise. The World/Inferno Friendship Society decided to host Hallowmas, their annual event, on a boat this year. Nothing like being trapped on a musical boat while you grieve. I had messaged her AIM late that night to say hi. She had an away message up. I may have sent a message to a dead person. I miss her friendship more than I realize sometimes.

That brings us to James Padden. James was a warm, snuggly bear of a guy who always tried to do the right thing and let me steal his hoodies. He insantly became my best friend in a Stepbrothers-esque manner. I met James working overnights at Wawa in Leonardo, NJ. I forget how it started now, but we were standing in front of the deli and I think I tossed him a broom or he already had one. . . I cant remember now.. . . but he just took one look at me with that mischievous little twinkle that I quickly returned and we instantly began sword fighting with our brooms. Like two little boys playing pretend and having a ball. He was sweet and silly and kind. I needed a ride, and he loved to drive. Our first winter as friends, we went out doing donuts in the snow. I barely knew him, but I felt safe. We smoked a ton of weed and had so many adventures trying to procure more. One time, we got so high driving to a Dropkick Murphys concert in NY we kept going in circles, missed almost the entire show save for the last 3-5 numbers, and had a blast. I can barely remember the night, but I remember laughing hard in that car. No one could talk to me like James. We were both insecure being chubby kids and adults, but so charismatic and grandiose that I sometimes thought we were the only two who would put up with listening to each others wild ideas and ridiculous banter. We would smoke joints and take adderall and talk about everything and anything. I miss the safety and closeness I felt with him. We were always 100% platonic, but we could nap together, I could walk into his house and jump on him in bed and wake him up. Then we would cook ourselves a breakfast feast and hit the beach. He taught me to always take the back roads. I gave him advice on the ladies. He taught me about fixing cars. I helped shave his back. He called his new pick up truck, a pick'um up truck. We could wax philosophical all damn day and not get sick of each other.

It wasnt just driving he loved, it was going fast. Like so many young white men, he had tendency to be a little reckless. The universe gave him a pass only so many times.

I'll never forget when he got his motorcycle. It was the last time I saw him. It was a bright green crotch rocket. He loved lime green. I was doing yoga in the living room when I heard this obnoxious engine rev down my street. I asked myself, who the hell is making this noise?! And it was James, grinning from ear to ear with a matching helmet on his shiny new toy.

before he left I said, 'you die on that thing, I'll bring you back to life and kill you." I remember giving him this very long and intentional hug and not knowing why I felt compelled to hang on.

When he left and hopped back on the bike, I felt compelled again and took a video of him riding away from my driveway until he was entirely out of sight.

That's my very last memory of him alive. James Padden died on Thanksgiving five days after his 25th birthday. He went out for a joyride on his bike before dinner, opened up to 100mph around a curve where he couldn't see a car pulling out around the bend in time. They called a medevac, but he died on scene. I loved James dearly and I regret drifting apart after we both left Wawa and I started a new relationship. He had stuff too, but in hindsight it never seems important.

Then there's JB. I will always remember JB for his kindness and generosity. The very first time I finally worked up the nerve to go to a poetry slam, I was alone and terrified. I had no idea what to expect. JB was the very first person to turn around, introduce himself, and welcome me. He made me feel like I belonged. Years later, when I won the title of Grand Slam Champion, he immediately offered to help coach me for national competition. Except, I didn't see the messages and left them unanswered, which I deeply regret. When I started hosting my own open mic a few years after that, JB would be one of the only people to consistently come support the show both as an audience member and participant. It was at a pizza joint and he would sometimes buy me food when I had no money. He wrote beautiful poems about his two young daughters and how much they inspired him. JB always tried to make people laugh but you could tell he carried a sadness. I did not get details, but from what I have gathered he made a choice to end his life. I wish I would have gotten closer to him and appreciated him more as a friend and person. I wonder if he felt no one cared about him and I feel like I should've let him know more.

Which brings us to Crys. Crystopher Anthony Diaz was a Scorpio with a big heart and a big personality. I met him on Myspace back in the day and started Web camming. We became friends and eventually fell into this gray area of friends, together, but not. It wasn't long before I was spending days at his place, killing hours at a time downloading music, making Wawa runs, and smoking weed with his roommate at the time, Syd. You know, the whole reason I worked at Wawa was Crys suggesting it. And Wawa is the reason I met James. Crys was unlike anyone I'd ever met. He was poetic and artistic and loved animals, especially pit bulls. He loved to draw and write and had this very out loud style that favored Earth tones. He taught me about fashion and insisted on getting dressed even if it was 1am and we were just going to Wawa because you never know who you might see. We would buy new clothes at Walmart and have photo shoots. That boy drank his weight in coffee daily. If it's one thing I'll always remember him for, it's the dancing. Dancing was a passion of his and always used to talk about wanting to form a dance crew. Eventually, we ended up living together for four years. My first apartment was with him in this piece of shit duplex rented to us by a slumlord in Keansburg,NJ. My relationship with him was always defined by our Aries/Scorpio dynamic and he never let me forget it. His birthday was October 30th, mischief night. One time, after we had moved into a new place, we decided to get revenge on our old downstairs neighbor by taking a finished lobster carcass and throwing it on his lawn. . . . . . . Keansburg had a terrible stray cat problem. 😁

I have so many memories with Crystopher. Unfortunately, towards the end of our relationship things became too tumultuous. We had too much unresolved baggage and trauma to find a healthy place emotionally together. We were so financially strained for a time we hardly ate. And then when he met his new girlfriend Laura, she introduced him to her good friend, Roxy. As in Roxcicet. aka Blues. Neither of us knew what that even was at the time. But he sure learned quick. He started using them pretty frequently as time went on, and things only got more complicated. My mental health took a nose dive. By the time I moved out our relationship was trash. I basically left. At the time, I didnt have a choice. things had gotten so bad between us, the money, the using . . . we didn't act like friends anymore.

I saw him a couple times at his new place but that was years ago. Since then, he went through a lot, including homelessness and more struggles with addiction to opiates. He reached out to me and sent me a message apologizing for everything a couple years back. I never responded. I was afraid I would let him back into my life and let the all the problems back in. I didnt trust where he was at in his life. We lost touch and stopped speaking.

His ex, who used to live with us and became my friend, messaged me and told me he died a few days ago. He was 35. I'm still waiting for information, but it may have been drug related. I'm not even sure where I'm at with how I feel. I know why we stopped talking. It was the right thing to do at the time. But he didnt deserve to die so young, having spent the last god knows how many months homeless. It's fucking with me so hard because we never resolved anything. I loved this person so fucking much and we never made peace. Of everyone I've lost, he was the closest to me. I've had a lot of people die on me but none that I lived with and shared a life with. I have more memories with him than I can handle and while I know we hadn't spoken in years and why, I still wish I would've said something. Done something. Yes, i needed healthy boundaries but he needed somebody. when is being firm too firm? If we would've helped, could it have been different? But we didn't want to help at the time, you try to be tough and draw a line. Be firm. Not let yourself be taken advantage of. But is that a defense? Did that defensiveness leave a human being who's head i used to scratch until he fell asleep out in the cold to get sicker and die?

What am I supposed to learn from all this Universe? Why do you take my friends so young and so tragically? I'm only 35, I'm too young to have this much loss.

Because these are just the major players I've lost. It doesnt include my cousin Jared, who died being reckless on a motorcycle at 21 two years ago. I was 15 when he was born. I loved that baby, he used to bite my nose. But his family lived far, so I rarely saw him growing up. Last time I saw him was at my grandfather's funeral. He didn't remember me and the nose biting.

And then there's Marcos who we used to chill with. He worked delivery for our favorite chinese food place. He was a nice kid who lived with his grandparents. We would get food, smoke weed, hang out a little. Even used to buy it off him for a while. Eventually he got into the opiates too, he even wound up being good friends with Crys and being Blue buddies. But eventually Marcos died from an opiate overdose. He was in his mid twenties.

I didnt want to include Ricky because he was more of an acquaintance for me, he was more my partners childhood friend. But god damn, in the time I knew Ricky that kid was a riot. He was loud and funny and definitely marched to the beat of his own drum. Drugs took him too.

Thanks for reading all this if you've made it this far. It's taken me about two hours to type this out on my phone. but i needed to. Thanks for coming to my TedTalk

[sharkytrash7]

My last say. Hopefully not my final essay.

So I've been watching YouTube videos of how to get over ex's and how to deal with break ups. In my heart, I know we belong together. I know the fact that I'm not Christian is a problem. My arguement is that you never fell in love with an atheist. You fell in love with me. Its tough when you refer to me as atheist because I'm so much more then that. You of all people know that. I love you with all my heart. I want to marry you still. I'm not of being alone or being without you. I'm scared of what I am without you. To be honest you were and still are my guardian angel in my eyes. You've changed my life and I hate to see you leave. You keep emphasizing that we might not be together but I still have hope we'll be together. After all, you have my rib. I know things are hard for you at the moment with God. Its tough for me 2. I go to afda and put on a smile pretending I'm fine. You want to be with a Christian. I get that. But no Christian will be as good as I am to you. Even tough I'm not a Christian, I can try to be the best person in the world for you. I dont love for your looks or your voice or cause you give me affection or cause you buy me stuff or cause you did things to me. Its all those things and more. I love you cause youre you. I would never change anything about you. Even your cute toes. Once upon a time I promised you I'd convert for you. I want to make this clear ! I am not trying to manipulate you in any way shape or or form ! Im just venting to tumblr. I'd keep my promise. It wouldnt be for you or for me but for us. Cause your right woman ! Its just better if we're both Christian. I know your gonna be thinking, "hmmmm, hes probably just saying this so I get back with him. He just wants me back. What an ass" and it does look like that. Thats why. Huh. Idk actually. I guess it is kinda fucked up to say this. Kinda shity cause then it would make your life 10 times harder. Okay so ignore that bit. Im not deleting it because effort AND because I said it / typed it with meaning and for a reason.

I get why we dont talk because if your parents find out they'll lose their minds and also because I'm pulling you away from your God things. But like when will I be able to date you. Ya know. Like even if I was Christian, your parents would still hate me. And if your parents forgave me. I wouldnt be Christian. So i get your side of life. Cause thats tough cookie. I wish our love could be enough because it is lowkey for us. Its a rough one. I wanna tell you so many things but i dont wanna jinx your future. I just find it crazy that you think your going to marry someone else. People have been saying its just because your my first girlfriend but I dont believe em. I felt a connection with you. Something I dont see happening with anyone else. You keep telling not to wait for you but its what I feel is right. Just like how you said it feels right to break up. I dont think this will last forever. We'll I wont be able to last much longer but. I feel like we've got this. We've been through a lot together and I'm positive about us. When I said us not being together would be a watse I didnt mean a waste of time or money or anything. I just meant it would be crazy for us to go through everything we did just to let (a big deal) get in the way. I love you. I love you. I LOVE YOU MY BOO !

Lowkey in the back of my head thinking this

I know I said these things but I cant hold you to anything. You could be over me and my shit and want another relationship. I have to deal with that. If you want some buff white english indie guy to come love you then that the way it'll be.

Deep down I want it to be though. Like I want to be your knight. Your dark knight _wink wink_. I know eternal life is a big thing for you and I'd like to be there with you to. I dont really know if I'll be accepted up in heaven. Even if i am a Christian. Im hard on myself like that. Id rather let more deserving people go to heaven. Idk why I put myself. Its just me. I just see potential in others. More so than in myself. I see my purpose on earth as a chance to help others. You know. Plus im sure when (i cant remember the name of it) the blue lights come down and take people to heaven. Im sure I'll meet you up there. Your just so scared of messing up like one thing and I get it I was like that 2. Id make sure everything was planned out. Truth is. I hd to stop being scared in order to move forward. Like after my car accident. I was terrified to drive again. I couldnt deal with driving. But i had to get over it. And I know you blame yourself and God for what happened. Please dont. Everything happens for a reason. I feel like that stuff taught me a lesson about being calm and calming myself down. It definitely wasnt God punishing you for being with me. Again not trying manipulate you or preach to you or try to change your thoughts. Its just my opinion. All I'm hoping you do is consider what I'm saying. I really truley am sorry about everything but at the same time. Everything that happened has happened and its made us who we are. If given the chance I'd do it again.

Also lowkey I'd love to celebrate 2 years with you. #nopressure. Like seriously I'm being serious but at the same time dont stress you cute little head about it. If it doesnt happen it doesnt happen.

My eating habits have gotten worse. Idk. Im lowkey scared im dying. I want to go to the doctor but its expensive and I've been such a burden on my parents. I'm pretty sure I can wait a couple years before getting it checked up.

My new glasses are cool. You have to see yhem in person. That another thing. I thought i wouldve seen you by now just driving or something. But i guess you only really drive to church and home. Or to someones house or like a party thing.

Happy 21st birthday baby. Wow. Your getting like so old. I still remember falling in love with the 19 year old you. Look how far we came. A whole 2 years. Youve grown so much since then. Firstly you don't bump into cars xD. Jk. You really have become such a grown up and I've been blessed being there with you. You became independent and youve become yourself. Its was a wild trip but to see you come out on top has been worth it. You deserve the world. And if anyone tries to hurt you / stop you, send em my way. Youre one of the most beautiful intelligent cutest amazingest bestest person in the whole world. Happy Birthday Boo.

The boo tattoo. We getting em together ? Also all your stuff is still here so if you do move out invite me over sometime so i can drop off these things. Lowkey your life is amazing and spontaneous and I have huge FOMO (fear of missing out). You don't to worry about me tho. I've been waiting to do things with you.

Moving out. Yeah. Its a big possibility next for me. I remember you originally said we can't live together which sucked but made sense. So. If you ever need a place to stay. Call me. I'll set up a guest bedroom for you.

I wasnt going to with your dad a happy birthday because you never with mine I dont think. But im not a monster like you. Jk lol. You probs just forgot.

Also it really sucks you cant speak 2 me. Your not an asshole. I just wish you could've helped me calm down.

Im sorry this was so long. I'm sure Ive forgotten things and said things I shouldnt have but tbh its been kinda theraputic for me. Like I feel a lot better having got thise things off my chest. You dont have to reply to anything yet. Cause I know your brains busy atm. If you can acknowledge that you seen it that would be nice. But ja. Please dont take anything Ive said personally or strongly. I just blurped things out and yes things do have meaning. But it takes two to tango. I desperately want to tango with you though.

Ps I love you

Pps Im sorry

Ppps take me back

Pppps jk. not jk

Yours truly

Triston Kyle Pillay (Penguin)

3:36 Vala is today. Shhhh

[peacheswithpepper]

My friend 30 [M] asked me 21 [M] to join him and his gf 19 [F] in a threesome.

Names arent real and sorry for my english*

When I moved to USA back when I was 17 I started working in a restaurant, and soon made friends with everybody there, but specially Rick.

Rick was a cool guy. He played bass because of that we became close friends fast as I played guitar. We was the one show me the city (NYC) and the best places. He would through a lot of parties in his apartment. And because he was the bartender of the restaurant his parties always had a lot of people.

When I turn 18 our relationship became stronger. We started to take girl to the same room. And fuck them by each other’s side performing all tons of scenes we watched in porn. We would share the girls, sometimes fuck the same girls. We even met a girl who asked for DP. Damn, those were crazy years.

The years passed and when I turned 20 he met a girl and started to date her. Lets call her Ingrid. She was open minded, there was no tabu for sex to her. She was also kinky. But, the relationship seemed pretty serious. Soon, our fun ended, we played less together (she also plays guitar). Less and less he would become distanced.

One day, we went out for a coffee. And throughout the conversation I told him I missed our fun with the women. I missed how we looked like 2 rockstars (minus the drugs). He started talking about how the sex with his gf was crazy. All the craziness they’ve done made my dick hard. And I suggested a threesome like back in those days we used to share girls. I dont think he like the idea. He seemed a bit jealous type now that he was dating.

Well, weeks after that day I received a call from him inviting me to watch movies at his house. I find it weird since he hasnt invited me for anything since he started dating Ingrid. But, I didnt think twice and went there.

When I arrived I noticed his gf’s car was at the garage. I find it weird because he didnt tell me she would be there. I rang the bell and Ingrid opened the door. My eyes lit up a bit, as she was dressed in a way only Rick knew how a woman could dress to make me hard on spot. She a light blue crop with no bra, her small but uplifted boobs were clearly visible. Even hotter as her nipple were hard. She had those white tennis skirts, too, revealing her toned legs from years being a gym rat.

Soon he appeared and greeted me. He offered me food and turned on netflix on TV. Before he could choose the movie, he got up went to his room and came back. I think he turned one the air conditioner of his room. As the movie started, his gf got u, went to the room and closed the door.

A few minutes later he tells me he got a surprise for me. He convinced Ingrid for a threesome. From hearing those words I soon felt a heat inside me. I was feeling a mixture of feelings. I was feeling shocked, anxious, horny, excited...

He told me she loved the idea of having a threesome with no restrictions, the way we always did with other women. I dont even need to say, but my dick was throb at the thought of the situation.My friend then said we had to go to his room as Ingrid was already there waiting for us.

As he opened the door my eyes meet the most beautiful image ever, the purity of a women in full of desire to be used and abused. Ingrid was wearing a wine color bondage type of lingerie and a freaking sexy stockings. As we entered the room and closed the doors I felt the heat of the room. My friend had not turned the air conditioner on, but the heater. It felt it was around 88. It felt it like a sauna.

And suddenly Ingrid’s voice softly echoed in my ears saying “you two, take off your clothes and fuck me”. My hear accelerated, I could feel really heavy beats. My dick was throbbing hard it even felt like I woudn’t last a minute. My friend didnt waste time and already jumped on the bed and started making out with her. While I was still taking off my pants.

As I was laying on the bed she came behind me, kinda like hugging me, licked my ear grabbed my dick in a tight grip, and said “I want to feel this cock pulsing like this inside me”.

Soon, I saw Ingrid between me and my friend. She was kissing Rick while grabbing my dick and rubbing it on her ass hole. She already had a kinda of lube on her pussy which I think she also put on her ass hole because as she was rubbing my dick on her ass, it take no effort to slip it in her ass.

And there she was jiggling her ass back and forth with my dick inside while being fingered by her bf. I started going harder as she was moaning accordingly to my speed.

She then when on top of Rick and told me to keep fucking her ass. Rick had a big mirro on his wardrobe, and his bed was right in front of it. The view of her on top of him, and me behind her receiving DP were like a dream. I had already cum 2x in her ass watching that view. As I pulled out my dick I could see the cum dripping to my friend’s balls, he was still inside her pumping all cum he had saved for that day. We toom a break to deink water and soon she told me with the sweetest voice I ever heard “hope you’re ready for the 2nd round”.

As we came back to the room she stood in doggy position and told me she wanted to feel me in her pussy. And without wasting time there I was rocking her from behind while she sucked Rick. She started to demand me to go faster and harder. Your wish is an order, mam. She started shaking and rubbing her clits. At that moment Rick was just waching and enjoying himself.

While shake she was ordering me to not stop. So I kept hitting that ass until it came to a point where she started pissing. We stopped a little so she could rest a bit. She then set with her back to the bed, and her had hanging out from the bed and, again for my surprised, said “please, make me your cum dumpster”. I understood the assignment. I started throat fucking her and gave her all that have left. It was my first time giving a throat pie. And Rick was sitting on the chair beating one while watching us fuck.

Ingrid had one more last request. To have 2 cocks in her pussy. This time she came on top of me and Rick behind her. We were so sweaty more because of the hot temperature than the sex itself that we were sliding on each other. Anyway, Rick and I ended up cuming together inside her.

After that we showered, cleaned ourselves, and finish watching the movie. This happened again a few more times, but they soon got married and stopped having this craziness.

submitted by /u/honest_as_fuck_ [link] [comments] from Gonewild Stories https://ift.tt/3aSbIrs

[pokefanbri]

"Home is where the heart is" I dont have to tell you where that lies. But its only part of the pain. I know in my heart I'm a good person, but my life has been in shambles since I was young. Theres many like me, that dont deserve the life they were given & yet somehow persevere through it just to survive & try to be happy through the pain.

How I ask do I deserve not to be happy. I feel there was no justice for me, I was dishonorably discharged lol. I was truly happy where I was, but even if i were to travel place to place...that is also in my blood, not just the place I resided.

I was at home, I was at peace, I truly loved everyone there & every second. But do I dare go there again, absolutely in a heartbeat. But this is what kills me, Part of me says "this is your life now, accept it, push through even if u can't" the other part of me says that ill be white knighted with a bust through the door like the kool-aid man & he says "sike, yea i fucked it up & didn't realize I had something special, will u forgive me" 😅

But i know that could just be my imagination & im overthinking again. But where actually is my life headed? I have a good heart, i care so much about those thats affected me even in a bad way...but maybe that's God's love showing right through me, because I forgive easy & help those that need it. My brother says that a "helper" is equivalent to a partner in crime & all aspects, a soul mate. He throws the word around with this subject, but he's also trying to find his forever helper which he believes is the mother of his 1st born children. Thats great, given the right circumstances & if her situation was better, yea they could probably try.

For me, caring & trust is my biggest downfall. Because i do so much for others b4 myself, I end up taken advantage of or at least feeling like it. Even if its not the case, the wrong thats been done to me all my life..made me this way. I cant help that. And to find someone that I trusted fully, only to find out that I couldn't. That breaks a person like me down & actually hurts to the core. I didnt deserve that, but it was the disservice that was thrust upon me without a 2nd thought. I wasn't given the proper chance to love someone because they refused to love me back & yea most of the time it was about them...but thats a leo for ya 😅

When someone shares it mutually, everyone wins, you're complete, u have that "helper" you've been longing for all your life. The good times that were shared, the humorous banter, doing something for the other just cuz u can & cuz u want to, showing eachother off to friends & family like "yea thats my babe right there" as if to say they were happy u were there,the best friend & sidekick that everyone needs...it was all gone in a blink of an eye. Leading on my heartstrings, making me fall harder & harder, the friendship to the end even, all for nothing. But because of all the positives, thats what gets me, it's why my pain is so confusing. Why was it all like that if not on purpose whether for a positive reason I have yet to understand, to make it easier for them not to deal without regard for the others feelings, or cause God making me suffer more through it to make me stronger...when I thought I was done with low struggles already.

Idk man, I just dont understand. But because of what my life has been like over the past half of the year, all the positives makes me want more...because I never got all of him in the 1st place. I always wanted more because he held himself back & on purpose. So maybe it did seem like attachment, but only cuz I longed for the same feeling in return & didnt give up trying to find it..literally any sign of it. I was trying to figure his sweet ass out & learn what kind of person he really was lol, so I could accommodate to him more especially in the last weeks I was sweating my ass off 😆 I was dedicated so much I was willing to change what wasn't liked on the outside. Like I wanted to do so much to keep the best thing i had, cause deep down I knew his old feelings fizzled out quick & I just didnt understand & I still dont. I mean I guess I understand if he wasn't ready for a commitment? And that's fine, but he committed b4 & when I was brought there. What is it that was so wrong about me, that negative thoughts festered so much about someone it makes u think someone else is the problem, when its not the case at all.

Theres nothing i can think of, nothing else i could've done to show my worth, that I wasn't a waste of time. Maybe I pushed too hard? But in those last few weeks I gave space & focused on myself & my tasks at hand with so much more effort to have some kind of a chance, to save what was precious to me..save someone else that couldn't rise up on their own. & i blew it somehow. I was told i settled, but that was the point from the beginning that we both agreed upon. I think it was just that the other was getting comfortable with someone around & it scared em..to where they couldn't do all they wanted in life along with dealing with someone else at the same time. Or possibly felt 1 or the other wasnt good enough for the other & felt inadequate or unequiped. And searching for someone else to fill a void they already had at home, thats another thing that befuddles me. The last time I saw him, it didn't look or sound like he cared, avoided eye contact til he drove off & my heart sank even more as I knew it might be the last time I ever saw him. I was too pissed & in the heat of the moment flipped him off til he was out of sight, but after...i wanted to die right then & there but my best friend was there & we were on a deadline just as he was. If I were alone & my friend wasn't there, I'd be sobbing in that parking lot for hours til someone found me.

They, he, had it all but lost it due to their own negligence, in my opinion.

I mean come on whats not to like about me that didn't go hand in hand with what they were searching for.

The perfect heritage to match his (Templin Germany the 7th largest region) with some jew blood, same interests & hobbys, outlook on life, the lucky number, a good & gentle soul with a love for God. Passion for travel, soft spot for bald eagles, the dream of becoming a parent 1 day, intellectually & gamer gifted, both loves BLT sandwiches...because i da snack too 😏, both have the same middle name but spelled differently & 30yr olds with same hs class year, I have 3 hansome brothers & he has 3 beautiful sisters. I mean Dafuq? Lol. We're total opposites & literally residing NE to SW of the country, 1 grew up well the other not so much...yet we still were able to find eachother....somehow? Bro how about u try the other half of the yr here, 6 month equivalent & finish 2020 the right way huh lol BET 😂 oh man. A girl can dream though can't she?

I have a college writing level & training in business, musical theater, massage therapy (which was the fav), veterinary tech college training in hs, 7 years of choir under my belt since 5th grade including after hs in multiple churches & my choir teachers wedding. I Iove animals, likes to paint, great with technology, listen to music & sing along to every word almost exact, family oriented, a gaming & content creating wizard, passion for helping people, can organize & clean the shit out of anything, can be the boss when i feel the need as well as the spunk & charisma to push forward at any given task. I can multitask & can get shit done if I set my mind to it, if there's something or someone I need to feel purpose to be my best self, yea & if I'm accepted, that's purpose enough right there to get my ass moving.

Yea, jumbling alot of shit in my early life made me crack under the pressure but only cuz i really went over the top & burnt out. But ive relaxed alot since then & am treated for my ailments, ive learned to do things to pace myself now to prevent a psychosis from ever happen again.

Ive said this b4, there was 1 other that also broke up with me...1st time it ever happened the other way around mind u, was also a Leo.. shocker lol. After only 3 months & of me saying the L word too quick...it was what finally broke me, what added ontop of everything else. I was living in my own apt since hs & after school a yr later at 19..he lived in the same apt complex & worked where i did. We hit it off really well & loved talking to eachother at work, almost the same humorous & smart personality with a passion for gaming, dead ass great driver, skinny & ample where it counted, & yea also a weed enthusiast 😅 all of it pretty much the same as the recent one in my life. Honestly thinking about it now they probably would've been great friends lol. Thomas was his name, but I was in a relationship at the time of meeting him as well. But I didn't pursue anything til that relationship blew up in my face just cuz my current bf's grandfather was my boss & saw how well Thomas & i got along as friends, associated it with cheating, & that was that. Tom could be mine after all lol, chips fell into place on their own after he professed his feelings to me on his MySpace blog so damn smoothly lol 😂 Saying there was a girl he liked, i commented on it, he asked me out, that was trap lol, but it worked lol. The chemistry was 🔥

But yea, we had alot fun together & he was completely chill with me. But after it ended it set something off in me. Ended up in a psych ward for 2-3 weeks, little did I know he was worried sick & had no idea where i was or how to visit. I wasnt allowed to have my phone but the persons number I knew by heart, was the previous guy b4 tom, the chubby aloof dumbass that was my 1st love lol. Tom hated him with a passion cuz this dude wasn't a man that treated me fairly, pushed onto me by his family for me to take care of, shelter & feed him mooching off of me & taking advantage of a comfortable place to live at 1 point. When i was in the hospital, my 1st was the 1 to pick me up. When I got back from the hospital I learned of how tom was worried & he gave me a big hug. But by that point I was back with the 1st...somehow that happened & I actually don't remember what brought it on cuz my memory throughtout those weeks was dowsed in medication...but Thomas was the one heartbroken instead of me this time cuz he actually did want me back, the fact I took this other guy back over him, a person he despised...was terrible to him & he severed all ties, moved away. He broke up with me, technically it was okay as so i thought to see someone else regardless if it was an ex or not. i didn't know I had another chance at all.

But anyway, the difference between the 2 leo Ts, 1 let me in completely, cared about me as much as i did for him in same way & the L word too soon is what did it in for him after 3 months 🤷‍♀️ The other T well..unfortunately 1 sided for the most part despite how well we clicked, i was faithful & the other tried not to be after 3 months & hid things due to his own insecurities, pulling me along for another 3months when I didn't have to do jack for him at all after that point, but I did. I might've said the L word too soon with him as well idk. But because I'm a different person than I was then, there's no psychotic break...its just the depressed feeling of defeat with the mix of the longing i still have for him.

Wtf is it with T names & the number 3!? ffs! 😫 Briana Leigh Templin BLT, Bri Loves...whoever Tfuk 🤣

I cant write anymore today, I gotta leave tomorrow. My brother wants me to work for him instead & make more money, in a team that would be like in an office space, basically an assistant but making calls & checking in with clients within his real estate, solar, etc businesses.

But idk, I just got my foot in the door with something else. If I let go of that, for something that could or could not be bad for me, then what do I do? Neither of them sound any less stressful, bryans idea however earns more money & would have me dealing with stuff I like to do in regards to skills maybe? Idk man, idk. It'd a tough call.

My point in writing this, nothing accept to show how much I thought he was perfect for me, just as he originally thought about me. These are all thoughts going through my mind, get them out of my head. To talk openly the way I am, its therapeutic. But I miss him so damn much, not sure when this feeling will go away. I still love him & even dare I say trust him,even through his lying ass faults & idk why, i shouldn't but i do...thats the powerful effect he had on me. Still waiting on the last promise to be friends, im giving space, venting here instead of to him cuz i wouldn't want to be that much of an annoyance. I was going to include more but it'd be dark & negative,& im not about outing the worst in people especially if he was a good guy for the most part...no that wouldn't be right, probably deserves it to be honest..but no. I still wanna do right by him. That's all for now

[bangtan-spells]

Seokjin Scenario: All Of Our Yesterdays.

Request: Hello, admins can i request a Jin and y/n are former college sweethearts but ended up breaking up because you thought he was cheating on you. But years later you guys meet again because of some College reunion and find out the truth he didnt and you feel embarassed but you guys talk about it and he asks you out for a coffee date in hopes of getting to know you again. thankies! 

Genre: Fluff / Drama

It was such a bittersweet experience to meet your ex again. A part of you, the one that was still hurt wanted to find him changed and ugly, unkind, bored with his life and decisions but the other part of you, the one that had loved Seokjin to pieces admired the way in which he was just like before, handsome as ever while standing in the middle of the room and surrounded by some other former classmates and chatting lightly, with that soft movement of his hands that you liked, with his serene smile and attractive confidence, looking like some sort of model with his white oxford shirt, navy blue blazer and dark jeans; he was the personification of success and wealth and you didn’t know if you missed him or hated to find him there.

You knew that finding Jin there was a possibility, but you had still gone there despite, so you had to suck it up and pretend his presence didn’t affect you at all, that his voice didn’t trigger the memories of your relationship back, that his smile didn’t remember you how it was so easy to fall for him. He always seemed so correct in his manners, so sweet and approachable and you were sure the people paying attention to what he was saying thought that too, had he cheated on the other girlfriends he had after you too? You smiled sarcastically, taking a sip form your drink, maybe those listening to him should know that part of Jin too.

Clearing your throat you decided it was useless to think of that now, things between you had ended a good amount of time ago and you had moved on the best you could after your breakup and the worst day of your relationship when you found that girl naked at his dorm, the betrayal still hurt but you supposed it was normal. You’d gone to that meeting to have a nice time, put on a dress that you knew made you look gorgeous, paired with high heels and planned makeup and hair, so why waste all of that thinking about the past?

–Y/N! – Hoseok, one of your old friends greeted you, waving and coming your way. He’d been in that group of people around Jin and now, with the sound of your name, Seokjin had shut down, looking at Hoseok dragging you towards him. –Come here with us –

You smiled but were honestly panicking a little inside, Hoseok had been a good friend of both of you and you knew he didn’t have many filters, besides, he was aware of how thorny your breakup had been, it was only fair to believe that now that time had passed you would be completely chill and unbothered, so you were left standing next to Seokjin and not knowing where to look when his warm brown eyes fixed on you.

Things were uncomfortable at first, you noticed Jin was the same as you, yet he was the one breaking the silence between you after a  while.

–Y/N, hi – you pretended your drink was the most exciting thing there to try and gather yourself together to the sound of your name in Seokjin’s delightful voice, it made you feel a little stupid inside to have this reaction, to still react at all to him with just his voice and his stupid good looking smile. –How have you been? –

How had you been after him was he asking? Maybe he was just trying to sort out your life, you hadn’t had any type of contact since college. You shrugged, noticing everybody was waiting for your answer.

–Great – you cleared your throat, would Jin react to you the same way you did to him? Deep down you hoped that he found you looking as good as him and so he’d regret what he’d done. –I’m the chief editor of a fashion magazine now, it’s a great job, allows me to travel and do what I like –

You didn’t want to sound like you were showing off, but you thought that the professional field was a safe card. You took another sip, your mouth was feeling a little dry and why did you care if Seokjin thought you were showing off or not? maybe that was exactly what you had to do, show him how good you were doing on your own, but at the same time it felt wrong. Why were you so confused right then?

The rest carried on with different conversations but Jin’s attention remained on you, then he smiled. –I knew you were going to make it far –

His words left you speechless for a moment, he didn’t seem like he was lying but then again, you couldn’t fully trust Jin’s honesty anymore, could you? You were looking to each other and the weight of everything you hadn’t said was starting to be felt, latent, heavy. You lowered your eyes and shook your head.

–Wouldn’t have thought you thought so about me – did he spare a thought in you after you were done? You didn’t want to linger in that, Jin was supposed to be finished business, maybe you should have stayed home after all.

–I thought a lot of things about you – he said calmly, carding a hand through his dark hair. –Even now –

You laughed, not really wanting to meet his eyes. –What could you possibly think of me now? – you laughed again, not wanting to seem as curious as you were to know.

–I don’t have the right to say the majority of that to you anymore –  Jin bit his lower lip and you followed the movement with attentive eyes, would Jin’s lips still feel the same than before? You dropped your eyes with that thought. –But I also thought if I should speak to your or not, I mean… last time I tried to do so, you were throwing me an encyclopedia or something of the sort, a really thick one I must add –

Both of you laughed at that, but the memory wasn’t happy in any way, you’d fought, you’d screamed, you’d cried, you’d broken up in the middle of a literal war and then you had avoided each other, you took your way and he’d done just the same.

–Maybe I should have thrown you two of those – this time you couldn’t conceal the little bitterness in your tone, you huffed. –You deserved them –

–No, I didn’t but you didn’t care to make sure – he said back and you meet his eyes. Was this some sort of joke? Was he trying to excuse himself after all you’d been through? You felt your blood boil and before you lost it in front of all the people of that room, you left.

The meeting was being held in the conference rooms near the library that were used for occasions like this and you made your way out but Jin followed you. Last time you’d stormed away from him this way, he hadn’t done it, he let you go because he was mad himself, confused, and hurt by your accusations.

You were fast but it didn’t surprise him, you were already past the library’s entrance when he caught a glimpse of you outside and he pressed his pace.

–Y/N, stop – his call for you only seemed to make you walk faster, so when he was close enough he tugged at your forearm to hold you in place. –Stop please –

–For what? – when you turned around he saw the hurt in your eyes. –Now you want to turn this around Jin, for real? I wasn’t the one cheating on my boyfriend –

–I thought what we had was stronger than a supposition Y/N, because you knew me, because…–

You huffed in the middle of a laugh. –Oh yeah, now tell me that if you walked on my dorm with a naked man near my bed and me coming out of the bathroom in just a towel you would have shaken hands with him and then bath me in kisses because what we had was real – you shook his hand off your arm and glared at him. –We weren’t real enough for you as it seems and it’s stupid to try and pretend it now –

–I never was with that girl or any other, but damn you never even gave me a chance to explain, to find a solution to fix us, you walked away like nothing between us ever mattered and then you pretended me to what? – Jin was altered and it felt stupid to go over this again, it was tiring as it was hurtful and you lowered your head before he could notice how your eyes were starting to get glassy.

–It’s stupid to fight for this again Seokjin… what’s done, it’s done–

–I don’t want to fight with you Y/N, I just…–

You didn’t want to know what he was trying to say, you walked away rushed but didn’t make it far before you were bumping against another woman. Both of you held onto each other to not fall and when you saw her face, you recognized her as the same one who’d been at Jin’s dorm back then, it was her, you couldn’t forget her face.

–Hyemin! – a man was calling her and you recognized him as one of Jin’s roommates but you couldn’t recall his name since he’d transferred or something. –here you are, I was getting worried –

He came over to the Hyemin girl and you watched the exchange between them, they were a couple without a doubt, you were too confused then, had Jin been with his friend’s girl too? You looked at him and then every one of you was looking at the other with the same confusion and awkward feeling.

–Y/N? – the guy spoke to you and now you could remember his name, he was Namjoon. You nodded, still looking from him to the girl in a sort of daze. –Meet Hyemin, she’s my wife, maybe you… um, remember her? We were dating at college so she was at the dorm a few times–

You didn’t know Namjoon had been dating her at college, she seemed to recognize you too. –Y/N right? I’m sorry…– your heart was going wild and Seokjin was in complete silence behind you. –I think you might have confused things that day –

There was a little silence after that, of course everybody knew what day that was. You tried to even out your voice the best you could to ask. –How so? –

–I confused the bedrooms, it seems stupid I know, but I wanted to surprise my boyfriend and I… well, I got inside Jin’s instead. I’m sorry if I caused some trouble between you, we didn’t have the time to see you again after that since I came back to my city and Namjoon transferred after too –

–I’m sorry too – Namjoon said, looking briefly form you to Jin. –We would have contacted you, we tried too but… –

He trailed off, back then you’d lost contact with all your common friends with Jin and knew that if they’d tried to talk to you about him or what you had, you would have most probably avoided it. The awkward silence was back and after a few short goodbyes Namjoon and Hyemin left. You were practically rooted to the spot, if what they said was truth then…

You turned around and meet Seokjin, he was still there and his eyes found yours, he sighed and then looked elsewhere.

–I behaved like a kid I know, after you rejected every approach from me I couldn’t keep trying to reach for you Y/N, I was too proud I guess, too stupid… I thought that if you didn’t care to hear me then it was useless so I just… let you go –

You remembered him trying to talk with you, you always pushing him away because of your own pride too, thinking that he just wanted to play you and get you to believe him when Jin was just actually trying to salvage what you had. You felt a weight in your chest and ashamed in front of him.

–I don’t want to fight with you, but seeing you today, leaving that way… it doesn’t feel right that you keep believing I did such a low thing to you when I didn’t because I loved you– Jin said and he met your eyes again, he’d been honest all this time and you had just blaming him, fighting him, pushing him away. He said he was too stupid but you had been just that too.

–I’m sorry Jin… I… when I saw that girl there I don’t know…– Jin observed you in silence for a few seconds, then he was closing the space between you, standing closer this time.ria

–I know, I understand –

You searched his eyes and he seemed to, which wasn’t weird of him, if something, Seokjin was better at keeping a cool head than you. Now the world of possibilities that could have happened between you, the what if, the experiences you could have lived together if you didn’t break up weighed on you, leaving him was hard and now knowing that it was all because of a misunderstanding felt much worse.

–Would you go for a walk with me? – you asked suddenly, not really wanting to get back inside. The campus was illuminated enough for a short walk and both of you could use that. – I think… we should talk, like real talk this time–

You were almost afraid Jin would deny, say it was useless again, but he nodded with a smile and then you were walking once again across the campus, where you’d been many times before, where you’d met, where your relationship had evolved, it felt nice.

You talked once again about what had happened, calmer this time, but also about your lives, the things you’d done and what you wanted to do now, talking with Jin was nice, that hadn’t changed and you found that comforting about him.

–Maybe we should do this more often – he said lightly when you were getting back to the conference room in which the rest of your classmates were.

–Like before? – you asked smiling, feeling your stomach a little funny. All of the yesterdays you’d shared weren’t forgotten, not for you, and definitely not for him. There was long since you considered seeing Seokjin again, even less thinking about going out with him but right then, that thought didn’t seem all that crazy and deep down, the possibility was thrilling.

–Who knows? – He stopped and so did you. –I think I’d like that Y/N, and you? –

–Yes – you looked into his eyes and nodded. –I’d like that too–

Jin smiled ever wider, and it made you giggle. –Maybe we could grab some coffee this friday –

–You know I’m always up for coffee Jin – you laughed lightly and Jin held your hand.

Yes, he knew that, but he wanted to know everything else about you too, get to know the you from now. Maybe that was a second opportunity for both of you, to rectify the mistakes of the past, to not keep losing time in shallowness and stupid pride, so he caressed softly the back of your hand and asked if you still had your old number, the one he hadn’t erased from his phone.

[callonb]

GYBurst of Inspiration/Motivation

Where does inspiration come from? - Snacks I recorded a song with Samuel Hawkins recently and that was the first line of his verse. Lately thats been on my mind more and more. Where does my inspiration come from and why cant I always bask in its motivational energies? Seems that my drive comes and goes with the moon phases or as planets enter and leave our orbit. Could be the skys dictating my moods and movements (which i think it does have an effect) or it could be the mass amount of coffee and tea i drink a day. Definitely important factors but not quite the source. My mom definitely motivates me, she believes in everything Im doing and helps every way that she can. Its not financially but sometimes emotional support is more important. Shouts out to Momma B you the realist. Same for my homies and not homies as in people i force myself to be around, cuz having friends is what you do. Actual family that i grew up with and have developed a relationship with, the GYB family. The ones who sat me down years ago and was like dude...... you need to take this rap shit seriously. The ones who are now getting more and more involved with the movement every day, pushing everything to the side and riding along with my dream and making them their own. Everyday the homies are pushing to help me create this vision for you guys as they've adopted it as their own. Like minds on the prize, Shouts out the Layer homies. That only seems to be half of it tho, and Ive never felt this type of fire burning inside me before so what is it? Magazine drama and BS doesn't motivate me, Music doesn't seem to hit me the same way anymore. I used to listen to music constantly, new rap definitely doesn't do it for me.....makes me feel lower. New tv shows dont do it for me im bored with most of the popular shows out. Same for games or just typical activities that people partake in. Partys, drugs, random hook ups...It all seems so blah to me and im completely uninterested. I learned I have to stop feeding my lower self and focus on my higher self and what that part of my being truly wants and thats to CREATE!!! Whenever im around an environment that drives me to create and push myself i perform better. So i guess i just realized what really inspires me, and thats a creative environment. Who is responsible for this? Well I saw the Rotunda Project last weekend at Maiden Alley, a collaborative piece by Fairseas. The Fairseas are a group of musicians named Jeran Simmons, Bobby Dowell, Codie Franklin and Shanden Simmons. I watched them plant this seed years ago and now its a giant tree that you can sit back and marvel in its greatness. The main theme of the film was collaborating with your community. I cant lie ive had many many thoughts of leaving my community to collaborate elsewhere but ive came to a realization recently that it isnt necessary. To my surprise and probably a lot of people around here, there is a bubbling hip hop scene around here that is about to explode. Ive started to invest my time and efforts into this scene now and received nothing but results. Shanden has been a major influence in my artistry because he is always honest, encouraging and persistent....three very important characteristics to have in a creative environment and on top of that has become one of what i would consider my best friends. I look at him as one of my GYBrothers. On to the hip hop scene around here tho..... mysterious person named "A" aka the Hollow Man and he is one of the most promising producers/writers around. His solo stuff is outstanding and the collaboration effort we are working on "A & B: The Empire" is next level. Its been well over a year in the making and will shock most people when they hear the new styles i bring to the tape compared to my previous work. A always challenges me to be very intelligent when I piece together my verses and I like that. He makes me want to grab a dictionary and start reading so I can match his extensive vocabulary.....and maybe I have done that lol. Im the ONLY artist that the mystery man works with at the moment and that hits me now in a way it never has before. Like why me, do I really have something in my music that would make this beyond talented artist spend his time and efforts to make beats for us to collab on and want to include me in everything he does? His beats are above any producer Ive ever heard even in the big leagues of the rap game its crazy but he will prolly have his own GYBlog entry about him eventually. I have to move on before i make this to long lol. Next is JSkrilla, I have met the Skrilla a few times in passing but i dont think we realized what each other really could offer the other. Until i ran into him at the damn ROTUNDA PROJECT.....back around full circle. After that we decided to get together. We showed each other some of our music. I didnt know he made dope beats as well as spit hot fucking fire but he does. We shared our philosophies for our craft and talked hip hop and all sorts of other randomness. Then we picked a beat and wrote a song on the spot. Bar for bar back and forth. J stressed to me it had been a LONG time since he had been able to just sit down and write with another emcee that wasnt intimidated by his ability to write on the spot, or to match his caliber of wordplay and rhyme schemes. To both mine and his delight I delivered. Skrilla really challenged me tho, most artist get so caught up in the main stream BS or conforming to certain concepts and topics in their verses that it had been a while since I had felt pressure when writing to make sure my bars are up to par. Felt good to feel that energy again i had been missing the want to become better and that leads me to the main cause of my motivation and my improvments or just overall attitude change whatever you want to call it. the TRYBE!!!! Snacks, B. James, and Waun D. are the Cerberus of this rap shit. I have a lot to owe to them. GYB and Trybe share the same values as far as what we hope to contribute to the culture of arts and musics and how we hope to impact the hip hop community as well as the communities we all live in. I have done one show with them and have multiple other ones lined up with them. As a matter a fact i cant see myself doing a show with anyone but them from here on out. Once again them as well as JSkrilla could have their own full length blog entry but i digress for the sake of your attention lol. The Trybe challenges me to be a better emcee by making me freestyle. Which if you have been around me doing music ive never been a good freestyler.....UNTIL NOW!!! They have cracked that shell and brought me out of it. Making me partake in their cyphers everytime we get together. Soon Ill be as smooth off the top as i am with the writtens then its over for everyone! Sharpening my skills is not something that other rappers really push you to do. Rap is very competitive and braggadocios so pushing someone to improve and possible be better than you is unheard of. The Trybe doesnt see it that way though, they want us all to grow together. With a shared love for hip hop and me and Snacks shared love for Anime we can talk for hours and hours before we realize we havent done any music lol. Everytime I hear a new Trybe song i feel my artistry being challenged. The message in their music makes me want to really focus on the concepts i present in my music and start challenging my self to pretty much step my game up. Between Skrilla, "A", and TrYbe, everything new I hear makes me question my latest bars which is exactly what I need. Hip Hop is my life and my love and above any amount of money i can potentially make off this art is the desire to be the best emcee to ever grab a mic and thats the same mindset i had when i originally picked up the pen and decided i would be a rapper. Before i saw 8 mile and realized that being a white rapper wasnt necessarily accepted, before all the laughs, all the hate and just general shade i received for my dreams. Being white in this game is a roadblock but for the first time these guys made me realize that i have overcame that hurdle 100 times over. I had a long talk with the Trybe last night and they gave me a boost of confidence that finally fully ignited that fire i had lit but tried to conceal. Im no longer worried about what is cool or what people want. I just want to create and you will more than likely like it because I do have skills that i myself had been sleeping on. I hear these artist like A, Skrilla, and Trybe and i felt underneath them but now i see my self as an equal. We all have different things we bring to the table that compliment each other and its time to put it all together and make it happen. Plus we all just fucking dope and there is no denying. This is my new goal. No more time wasted on what i "think" is the right move. Im going to follow what i KNOW to be the right path and follow my heart. Thats challenging myself with these artist and like minded individuals to always be better. Also as Snacks has said before "move at LIGHT SPEED" thats just what Ill do with my light brothers here. We like some damn warriors of this rap shit waging war against a evil corrupt entity but thats also for a whole separate entry lol But no war of this caliber is complete without a general so shoutout to SirDuke. Ive also recently became friends with this crazy dude and he has shown me in just the short time ive known him more love and support than some people ive known my whole life. He also inspires me because he has dedicated his life to serve and protect (literally) and most importantly LEAD. He has an army of pretty much every hood and every rapper in each of them just waiting for his call. and he is not leading them astray, Shoutout the Kollektiv. Duke is also a talented singer and emcee. He has a show with me tomorrow at the Hangover in Murray MAKE SURE YOU COME TO THAT AND SEE MY NEW ALBUM CONSCIOUS TRAP PERFORMED LIVE starting at 9pm. but yeah Duke is dope and I can appreciate his leadership skills and what he hopes to accomplish in his community by cleaning it up through music. He is rubbing off on my and motivating me to hold that same position with my Layer army of GYB homies ive assembled. Most of them are clueless about the industry and music so its up to me to guide and lead them so they can be their own selves and make it in this world without the middle man down your neck. Im going to wrap this up because it ended up being way longer than i intended but i wanted to also say to my fellow collaborators and friends above all. Wolf, Golden Wrist Banks, Trevell, Dope, Simple, Benji and Angel Mascato. You guys have MAD SKILLS. You guys inspire me too because I hear something different in your music than i hear from most. I want you all to continue to grow and expand your creativity to new levels. Tell YOUR story. The same story is constantly told but how will you tell YOURS in the true challenge. So i encourage you guys like i have been recently, step outside of the norm and do what you truly feel in your heart that you need to, fuck what everyone else wants from you just create the way you feel appropriate. A lot of you are working with Duke regularly and I think he will tell you the same thing I am now. Even if its certain people in your lives holding you back, they gotta go. Surround yourself with positive people that want to grow with you instead of out grow you and you will see the same results. Probably why you guys were all on my latest album, except Trevell im sorry and you should have been but you know the deal homie its all love. Frank.....dammit man just rap lol but anyways ill end it on this note. Getting in touch with that child like mind state and that pureness of love in my heart again. Losing all my intentions to want to be better and out do someone but rather COLLABORATE with like minds in my community has already in return pushed me forward in a lot of ways. Seems almost as if they had been waiting on me this whole time. Its certain that my actions are now speaking louder than my words and everyone is starting to catch on. including myself finally. If you read this far thank you and I love you. Youre more than likely part of the reason why i typed this or why i even continue to do what i do. I trust you guys just as much as you trust ill deliver. Have a great day, maybe you can draw inspiration from this or some of the same people or things that i do! So put down that magazine full of empty content and read something meaningful that you are interested in, turn off the news and watch some anime, stop playing shooter games and play final fantasy, stop eating out and prepare your own meals, dont listen to music just play instrumentals and freestlye every day or just make your own, quit scrolling on facebook and take a stroll around the block, only spend time with those that help you grow rather than keep you low. So much inspiration out there sometimes we just have to break away from what we are used to in order to pull from the experience. Now im really done. and excuse my poor grammer and probably a shit load of spelling errors. That wont ever change, these blog post are run on sentences of my thoughts that pass through my head every day. Sometimes i just take the time to jot them out as they pass. PEACE LOVE AND GYB!!