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coffeeandcalligraphy · 2 years

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LONAN KILLS REEVE IN SV?!?!!!

HE DOES LOL

explanation & excerpts under the cut! <3

CW: murder/death/torture/trauma

okay so I am the DRAMA--obviously Reeve is still alive, but she does technically die and only survives what happens because of Harrison (king <3).

TL;DR: Lonan is brainwashed by his tyrannical family & is sent on a literal mission to kill his sister. He does, but Harrison "revives" her with his magic (the icon the legend the man himself).

More details: So back in 2015 when I was writing book 3 of the original series, Lonan was ALSO brainwashed, but by his other sister Anna and Anna's girlfriend Kate who were mad at him for some reason (I can't remember why exactly, everyone is mad at Lonan in that book LOL). The logistics of how this was done are quite fuzzy because I was 13 :) but essentially think of Lonan as a bluetooth speaker who could be controlled remotely! <3

In this state, Lonan almost kills Reeve a couple of times (and this is when they love each other! not when they don't know they're siblings and have been trying to murder each other!). This DEEPLY upsets him and becomes a major point of tension for his characterization (I believe he makes Harrison promise to kill him if he tries to hurt his sister again, which is... on brand for right now <3). At that point in the series, Lonan's biggest fear is that he's still a terrible person--he's struggling to be redeemable even to himself. So to hurt the most important person in his life at the time, his sister... oof. He's not happy.

I wanted to bring this back into SV, since I love recycling old material into this book to relive the joy of writing them originally (not me... finding joy in psychologically torturing these siblings oops). So Lonan is once again "programmed," but the logistics make more sense because this is done through magical means. Lonan in SV is an extremely controlled person. Every move he makes is monitored, and what little good he does have in his life are used against him to torture him (like... his girlfriend... who I haven't talked about on here... but we can!).

Reeve isn't an exception to this. The play by play of what happens here is that the squad (Harrison, Reeve, Darren, Foster), have all been looking for Humilitas (the magical bird that's been missing for a while/the magical bird that Lonan is part of). They locate Humilitas (Harrison flew on the back of a giant bird who showed him where he was :) lol :)) and this is great! This has been their goal the whole time. But then this happens:

“Humilitas,” she says, inching her fingers toward its face. Her eyes sparkle like she’s seeing a saint, a god, even. She begins to smile, so close to touching him.

A branch snaps.

Not delicate. A weighted sound. A human sound.

Harrison spins around.

He doesn’t believe what he’s seeing at first. Surely, he’s hallucinating, sicker than he’d initially thought, bombarded by strange, unrealistic visions. Black hair like a silken cut of obsidian. Fingers precise, thin. Eyes kingfisher blue and as hot as a gas flame.

“Lonan?” he says, dazed, hardly able to make out his name without slurring every letter. Harrison lurches forward to where he stands, ten, twenty feet away, barely catches himself on a bramble bush. Thorns skewer his palm, but he feels no pain, not even when blood seeps down his wrist, candle wax overflowing. Instead, his mouth foams, his knees so weak that on his next step forward, he falls onto his elbows.

(there's a Feeding Habits easter egg here with the kingfisher eye description--which is the way Suzanna describes Harrison's eyes to Lonan awww. Also I love that feverish Harrison can describe Lonan once again like a painting. My god.)

Harrison is so stunned and is ALSO physically ill at this sight (relatable content <3). No, but really, he is quite literally sick (H&L are bonded through magical bird things & being so close is... not good for them at this point).

Reeve is so excited that she doesn't really notice Harrison's Suffering (TM). This happens:

As if she’s never seen Humilitas, as if he no longer matters, as if she’s an elk running from a mountain lion or a mountain lion chasing an elk, as if the earth no longer matters either, as if she is wind and he is alive, he is alive, as if, no matter who tries, no one can stop her, Reeve launches at her brother with full force.

And then we get... the actual drama:

Lonan raises an arm. From the ground, as Harrison watches through jittering eyes, he looks as if he’s going to hug her. They could be children again, reunited after a summer trip apart, one about to spin the other in greeting. Reeve is crying, tears glittering off her chin like flakes of shattered glass. She wraps her arms around her brother, shaking, sobbing, shocked as a rat snapped in a trap.

Lonan looks at her. His arm still raised. Does he smile? Harrison’s vision has spotted so badly that he can hardly tell.

Against the deep backdrop of night, a glint.

Harrison gasps. He wills himself to get up, to run to her. Ash. Bone.

But by then it’s too late. One moment, Reeve clutches her brother, and the next, he gouges a knife straight through her heart.

Aaand that's how part two ends. Fun!

We start part three in Reeve's first solo POV chapter, where Darren explains what happened:

“You died,” he whispers. Reeve blinks. “I saw you. On the ground. I swear, I got to you not even a second after he hurt you, yet you were gone. I looked at you and I thought, I’m going to have to bury her.”

(THHHEEE ROMANNNNCCEE)

She also sees the consequence of Harrison's magic (that did bring her back in the end!):

What marks her chest: a pattern the colour of soot, radiating from around the bandage covering the puncture.

Permanently grafted on her skin are the sun’s waving rays.

Harrison doesn't actually know how to use his magic at this point in the books/what his magic even is. But seeing his bestie literally die is... too much for him, and instinct just takes over really fast. This is the opening of chapter 17 and where the title of book 2 comes from:

From Harrison’s bloody fingertips: a hot, bright ribbon scatters from his body and across the ground, bounding like a heartbeat. Watch as it ripples and ignites a line of maple leaves, beating to the same rhythm as the words she can’t die. She can’t die. She can’t die. Not after all of this. Not now. Watch as it climbs over her thigh, side, stomach, a messenger with its goal in target. Watch as it stabs her body as the knife previously did, how upon contact with her heart, her entire figure luminesces. She becomes a Madonna on that sunless ground, haloed in light.

^^ get you a best friend who is so stubborn he refuses to let you die so miraculously uses his magic to save you <3 aw

After this, Harrison passes out for a long time. He's not aware of how terrible of a state he was in (also near dying) until he talks to Foster:

“Where’s Reeve?” he asks. Though he’d been feverish and near-unconscious on the ground, he’d seen the look on her face as her body fell. Her smile of relief punctured with some sick mix of shock and horror.

“She’s okay,” Foster says, and glances out the private room’s exit. “Darren’s with her.”

That’s all it takes for Harrison to move. He rips off the catheter in his nose, peeling up the tape securing several tubes to the back of his hands.

“Hey—” “Don’t get in my way,” Harrison growls when Foster goes to herd him back into the cot.

“You’re not well—”

Harrison yanks all the wiring knotted around his body so harshly that one of the monitors checking his vitals appears to shut down.

“Does this look like the work of an unwell man?”

(LEGENDARY DIALOGUE HARRISON ^^)

We ALSO get Harrison going beast mode and calling Foster by his actual name LOL:

“Get out of my way, August,” Harrison nearly shouts. If Reeve is in this infirmary, alone with a man who sure, cares about her, but that isn’t him, he will damn well get to her.

And of course, he's back to wanting to kill Lonan:

Harrison crosses his arms. “I’m going to find Reeve. And then I’m going to kill Lonan.”

It’s the first time he’s said the words aloud, the words that’ve hummed in his body since he awoke. Kill Lonan.

“I can’t let you do that.”

“I don’t need your permission.”

At this point, no one actually knows Lonan did this unintentionally because he's been unable to tell them because someone may or may not be trying to kill him as we speak!

And strangely, Harrison also has matching markings on his palms like the one Reeve has on her chest:

When his palms are naked again, he doesn’t even question the black solar markings in the centre of each palm—nothing matters. Lonan cannot die. “Hey,” Harrison says, hands trembling even harder now as he tugs the hem of Lonan’s shirt upward to reveal the wound, likely pierced through, or close to his heart. Lonan��s mouth hangs open, like he’s trying to say something, but Harrison won’t let him. No goodbyes.

(not me just leaving this excerpt here as if this isn't going to open up a whole bunch more question LOOOL I'm evil and also willing to talk more <3)

Eventually, when everything settles down, Harrison confronts Lonan about what the actual fuck happened that night he "killed" Reeve:

“One of the first things I told you was not to look for me. Why did you?”

Harrison laughs. He doesn’t think. He’s not even sure what it means—if he’s genuinely amused, or if he’s shocked, or if he’s angry. “Why wouldn’t I look for you?”

“I told you not to.”

When Harrison laughs again, he’s absolutely sure why—exasperation ripples off his body. “You were haunting my dreams to the point where I couldn’t sleep. Your sister begged me to help find you. And besides, you found us.”

“But you shouldn’t have saved me. You should’ve left. It would’ve been best—”

“Are you telling me I should’ve let you die? Forget you for a second—what about Reeve? She should’ve died too?”

Lonan looks over to him—Harrison feels his gaze on his face, but now he’s looking at his hands, trying to force them to still with his mind. He’s not angry. Lonan is not ungrateful. He’s not angry. Lonan is not ungrateful.

“Harrison,” Lonan says after a moment. “My family is dangerous. I wanted to keep you as far from this as I could—”

“But you didn’t,” Harrison says, his voice breaking. “You gave me half your power. You knew they would look for me if you took what made you useful and gave it to me. And you did it anyway. You put a target on my back.”

“That target was always on your back. From the moment you were born it was on your back. I needed to be certain you could keep yourself safe when something happened. Not if.”

“Safe?” Harrison almost shouts. Out of everything he’s considered himself in the whirlwind of the last few weeks, safe was the absolute last one. And the absurdity of this implication, as if Harrison would even understand how to use his own magic to keep himself safe. He’s somehow managed to keep himself alive and burned himself on a fork—Lonan didn’t gift him his powers and a manual to use them. Safe. Impulsively, he yanks his hands from his pocket, splaying open his fingers to reveal his palm and the black sunrays tattooed onto the centre. “This is what you’ve done to me, Lonan. This is what you’ve done to Reeve.”

Lonan’s brows perk up, and now he’s trying very hard to catch Harrison’s gaze. “What is this about Reeve?”

(For context on the "what about Reeve" dialogue--since Lonan is the Virtue, if he dies, which is impossible since he's immortal but... almost happened lol, his whooooole family dies with him. Also: "burned himself on a fork" I'm crying LOL)

From this excerpt, we can tell Lonan clearly has no idea what happened and what he did to Reeve (accurate to the OG books). This may or may not lead to a nervous breakdown.......... oops!

Anyway so that's the explanation!

I love spoiling SV. Always happy to talk about it!

#tw death #asks #seventhvirtue #i actually wasn't going to share this info because I was like #what if I want to publish this #and then I realized I never in my life want to publish Fostered to be consumable as a Book #sorry but they're mine! LOL allll mine!#so happy to answer all spoilery questions! <3

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cre8tivereviews · 9 months

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Cirque Du Freak Movie compared to the book

I love the Cirque Du Freak/ Darren Shan Saga. I've recently been rereading it. However I've been wanting to watch the movie, so I bought it. As a stand alone movie it's fine. If you go off the books, its horrible. It crams a bit of almost every book in to one. So here are the differences I saw. Let me know if you saw more, or what you think of the movie compared to the books.

*side note, I did read something about them making a series out of the books, and I really hope that it's real, I'd be so happy.*

Differences between The Vampires Assistant Cirque Du Freak the movie to the book/books

Darren is older.

Darren is popular.

Darren says he has cool friends.

Darren sneaks out of his own house to go to the Cirque.

Mr. Tall’s head and shoulders are at an angel.

The Wolfman bites off another performer’s limb, instead of an audience member.

Evra is more confident and wants to be a performer.

Turska can speak good English. She also can see the future.

Larten has 3 scars on his left cheek. He also isn’t as stern, or serious.

Steve tells Darren that Larten is a vampire.

Darren steals Madame Octa at the show.

What is the book of souls?

It says Larten had a human love named Missy when he was going by Vur Horsten.

Mr. Tiny picks up Darren after he steals Octa.

Murlough, who’s killed in book 3, is possibly a main character?

Darren takes Octa to school.

Octa bites Steve at school, for everyone to see.

After being blooded Darren can heal his fingers with his spit.

Darren tries to drink from Annie in her room, not the bathroom.

Larten sneaks in to Darrens room and finds Darren, not Darren going to find Larten.

Larten says he was 20 in 1803, but I believe he was born around that time.

Steve gives Darren a cell phone at the funeral.

Mr. Tiny is at Darrens funeral.

Darren plays video games while he’s buried.

Murlough attacks Larten while he’s filling in the dirt at the cemetery, and that he gave Larten the scars. (I thought it was odd that Larten has Vampeneze scars).

Murlough refers to Darren as being one of his kind and kidnaps him.

Larten runs to the Cirque Du Freak for safety.

Mr. Talls talks about being neutral in the Vampire, Vampeneze war.

Rebeka.

They know Harket’s name, yet he doesn’t talk.

Larten and Turska are a couple.

Steve tries to jump off the school roof, and Mr. Tiny stops him. Then talks Steve in to joining the Vampeneze.

Darren learns to flit.

Evra says he joined the Cirque at 2 days off, Mr. Tall found him in a dumpster.

Darren calls Steve on the cell phone.

Mr. Tiny comes to Cirque.

Steve attacks and kills a teacher.

Larten, Gavner, and Vincent (a vampire we don’t even know) were the ones to come up with the way of feeding that the Vampires use.

Larten says that if Darren drinks blood, he’d get the knockout gas vampires have.

A Cirque member lets the Wolfman out to fight the Vampeneze who show up looking for Darren.

The Freaks fight the Vampaneze until Mr. Tall tells them to stop, how dare they come to neutral area.

A Vampaneze takes Rebecka.

Steve tries to get Darrens family to adopt him,

Darren goes home (while Annie, his sister, is still young).

In the theater Murlough gives Darren an ultimatum. Rebeka for his family.

Mr. Tiny plays a huge part, out in the open.

Larten kills Murlough and as he’s dying tells Larten that the 100-year truth is over. War now begins.

Mr. Tiny calls Darren his prodigy son and says that he’s the blood thirsty one between him and Steve.

Mr. Tiny turns Murlough into a Little Person.

Larten hypnotizes Darrens family, so they’ll forget he’s alive.

Darren gets a coffin from Larten and actually sleeps in it.

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triviareads · 1 year

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This month was all about contemporary romances for me. I got some excellent ARCs like Tastes Like Shakkar by Nisha Sharma (which pleasantly surprised me; review forthcoming) and Tessa Bailey's Unfortunately Yours (here's my review). I read a rather entertaining novella called Hard Wood that put me in my lumberjack era for a hot second. There was another book that tried to sell me on a hero named "Martin" (tbh his cardinal sin was eating mangos off her vaj, which is only topped off in terribleness by eating tiramisu off someone's vagina— Enzo you monster, cages are not where I draw the line, but the tiramisu is). Also read Dana Islay's Rules We Break which had me pondering why it's so hard to find dommes in romance novels (and rarer still to find well-written ones). All in all, a good month, and here are my favorites:

Looking by Katrina Jackson

This was recommended to me by @monarchies-history after I was asked for a list of diverse contemporary romance recs. Darren and Nadia are a married couple with twins. They want to open their marriage and arrange to meet with Jourdan (sidenote: all the mcs are Black; Katrina really does the most for diverse romances), who is very into both of them right off the bat, and the feeling is mutual (there is a park trail sex scene lolol). What I loved most about Looking is that it's such a joyful book. The dialogue is funny and clever, the sex is very hot in all its configurations (Darren and Nadia get to know Jourdan separately before they all get together— it's actually kinda "slowburn" in that sense; each of them gets their own POV section), and the three of them are just so happy to be together, you can't help but smile.

Serving Pleasure by Alisha Rai

@jeanvanjer was trying to get me to read Glutton for Pleasure for the longest time (which I did, and it was good; another throuple book), but I latched onto Serving Pleasure more, not only because I enjoyed the way the sex was written more, but also because the emotions REALLY got to me. It's also a pretty unhinged premise: The hero Micah is a recluse and an artist, and Rana lives across the street from him and like... constantly watches him, and even follows (stalks?) him at some point. Lucky for her he's very into it, even jerking off purposely at his window (out of spite, but then he stops midway out of guilt lolol). He asks her to pose for him and they began a no strings-attached fling.

Also, I really liked Rana's characterization: she's perceived as a "party girl" with no serious ambition compared to her sisters so she has to grapple with her self-perception vs. what outsides see, which was really quite novel for me to read in a South Asian heroine.

Compromised in Paradise by Samanthe Beck

This book is fun, light, and quite literally a beach read since it's set in a resort in Hawaii. Arden is a stressed-out heiress looking for a fling, but when the hero Nick catches her faking her orgasm, he decides to give her orgasm lessons. Like, what a saint amirite? With a premise like this, it can go a lot of ways but I appreciate Nick's dedication to centering their sex lessons around her and her orgasm, and then it took an unexpected but welcomed turn towards the end with the rare contemporary romance anal sex.

This book also made me read like three of Samanthe's other books on one shot, and they're all full of great banter and solid dirty talk. Would absolutely recommend this book, this series (called "Compromise Me" which should totally be the name of an HR series), and this author overall.

Salt in the Wound by Sierra Simone

Sierra Simone is back at it, y'all. Salt in the Wound is the (free!) prequel to Salt Kiss, which is coming out this fall. It's set in the same universe as the New Camelot series and Sierra's criminally underrated Sherwood (ft. female!Robin Hood/Maid Marian/Sheriff of Nottingham with a side of a hushed mention of bogeyman Mark Trevena). It centers around how Isolde gets engaged to Mark Trevena, former assassin, current BDSM club owner, and Man Who Never Stops Telling You He's A Bad Bad Man. Isolde wants to be a nun (she also learns martial arts at a nun dojo), but is put in a position where she needs to learn how to fake being Mark's sub in public. Cue kink lessons, and as it turns out she's very into it, and Mark is SHOOK (the way he flees at the end because he can't handle Feelings and masks it with a show of "I'm sooooo Bad you should have expected me to be a bitch about this"..... bravo. Couldn't have set up Salt Kiss better).

My favorite thing about Sierra's characters is just the level of zeal they have... for religion, for sex, for power, and this short story is no different. I am eagerly awaiting the Lyonesse Trilogy.

You Can Follow Me by Jo Brenner

This book was shilled in both Sierra Simone and Mila Finelli's newsletters in a span of a week so I knew I had to give it a shot. Another wild premise: Kara hooked up separately with three SEALs who were actually lovers (two of the three did *not* happen upon her by accident...) and now Circumstances lead to them kidnapping her and holding her captive. Listen, I fully admit I came here for the sex (fun sex, angry sex, manipulative sex, spite-because-she-won't-sleep-with-you-so-you-fuck-your-bros-in-front-of-her sex... you get the picture) but I stayed for the *journey* ok. Specifically how Kara deals with this insane loss of freedom even as she wants to jump all of their bones, and starts to catch Feelings.

Scorching to the Touch by Ofelia Martinez

Another excellent recommendation by Sierra Simone, this one is a somewhat toxic (until it isn't!) romance between a telenovela star (and she's plus sized) and a rockstar. Listen, sometimes all you want to do is read a romance with two hot people who know they're hot shit and also deeply messy individuals. Revenge oral 4% of the way into the book? Check. Stalking Tracking each other long after they've broken up? Check. Breaking up each other's engagements? Check. Him crying on his knees because he bruised her during sex even if it's probably him overreacting? Check. Obsession-induced erectile dysfunction? Check. It's fabulous. Would recommend.

Forbidden Harmony by Elizabeth Kelly

I feel like this post sums up the plot of this one excellently; In addition, I know Elizabeth is writing a series with exclusively older couples which I might try soon.

#trivia's book round-up #contemporary romance #katrina jackson #alisha rai #samanthe beck #sierra simone #jo brenner #ofelia martinez #elizabeth kelly #book recs

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macamellow · 6 years

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sometimes i remember cirque du freak has semi-canon lesbians and i cry happy

#cirque du freak #flam.txt #even if its not in the books darren still sees them as a couple so (explodes) lesbians!!!!

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blurrypetals · 4 years

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Midnight Sun by Stephenie Meyer - blurrypetals review

originally posted aug. 12, 2020 - ★★★★☆

My O.G. shitlord lives. My relationship with Twilight is a long and complicated thing. Without getting into it too much, I kind of sort of fell in love with reading because of this series. I was in the seventh grade in 2007, when a friend of mine recommended the first book to me and, like many others of the time, I was instantly hooked. It was the biggest book I'd ever read by myself without the help of my mom reading it out loud like she did with Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Because of Twilight, I got into authors like Scott Westerfeld, Darren Shan, and, the granddaddy of all my favorite authors, Christopher Moore. The first book is still, to this day, the novel I've read the most times, sitting pretty at 5 whole times, which isn't even taking into the account the dozens of times I've skimmed the pages, memorizing the pages, the chapters titles... My enchantment with the series died a quiet death about a year and a half later, in 2008, when the final book in the series came out and, a few months after that, the movie adaptation came out, silencing just about any enthusiasm I might have had left in me for the series as a whole. That said, any time Stephenie Meyer has released something new, be it Twilight related or not, I've always picked it up. Apart from The Chemist, which I just haven't gotten to, I read the Bree book in 2009, I read the strange and incredibly ridiculous Life and Death in 2015, and I watched every movie adaptation as they came out, even though most of them brought me great pain. I pay respects to the roots my reading habits were born from and sometimes it's fun to revisit this ridiculous melodrama. So that all brings us to May 2020, right? Sort of! Another thing that killed my love of the series was the Great Midnight Sun Leak of 2008. When those first 12 chapters were leaked back then, I read them, and, besides The Host, I felt it was the best thing Stephenie had ever written. It was fun, Edward made for a more interesting protagonist. Its biggest problem was that it just wasn't finished. And now we're in 2020! One of the worst years on record and May hits us with what I consider to truly be a gift: We're finally getting Midnight Sun. It's finally finished. Our nostalgia fodder is on its way. So what do I think about it now that it's finally here? I fucking love it, man! Besides The Host, it is still the best thing Stephenie Meyer has ever written and it was an absolute joy to read. I think this book is kind of a genius move on Stephenie's part, as it inoffensively and canonically adds context and breathes new life into the first book. Twilight as a book is now better for having this book as a companion. I honestly wasn't sure I could ever bring myself to fangirl over anything Twilight-related ever again in my life, but my god the extra things, all the things Edward and the rest of the Cullens got up to when they weren't around Bella were all fucking great! There is a part earlier in the novel where Edward observes through his mind-reading powers that Ben and Angela each have crushes on one another but they don't really have the guts to ask the other person out, so in their Spanish class they have with Ben, Emmett asks Edward very loudly if he's asked Angela Weber out yet, and it gets Ben to finally ask Angela out and it's so fucking cute and the things it did to my heart made me think I was 12 again. There are also a lot of lovely flashbacks, including a scene about Edward's first Christmas with Carlisle that very nearly evoked a couple of tears from me. This book was honestly the medicine I needed for the ailment that is 2020 as a year. It also made me ache in a certain way I wasn't expecting, but it was because I enjoyed this book and its nostalgia that I began to wish for something I haven't wished for so deeply since I was 14 years old: I wished Breaking Dawn was a different story. Breaking Dawn is what dealt the heaviest blow to my enjoyment of the series, and my severe hatred of that book stems from many areas: the creepy half-vampire baby, the truly horrific pregnancy Bella goes through, the fact that it kind of sort of almost definitely condones pedophilia in a quiet yet still disturbing way, the utterly ridiculous conflict-non-conflict that is the final act of the book, and so much more. However, there is almost nothing I found more disappointing at the time than the fact that, several hundred pages spending time with these characters and their desires, Bella is turned into a vampire, and that never made sense to me, especially in Edward's story, where we are told time and time again that being a vampire in this world is basically torture for people like him and Rosalie, it never made sense to me that Bella ended up as a vampire. In all my months of theorizing how the series might end in the time between the releases ofEclipse and Breaking Dawn, I always expected for a cure for vampirism to be found and that would be how Edward and Bella would get their own small forever together. No awful pregnancy, no baby, no pedophilia, just a way for them both to get what they always wanted: to be together, have a life together. This isn't a review of Breaking Dawn, but the reason I bring this up is I kept hoping for this book, Midnight Sun to pull a Life and Death. For the uninitiated, this means that, like the crazy gender bender, Life and Death, which, despite being nearly identical to Twilight as far as the general plot goes, has a different ending from its forefather to tie up the idea of rewriting the entire series in this new gender-bent universe, and I found myself wondering whether Stephenie might be moving toward a similar change. This book deals very much with Edward's humanity. It's more than twice as long as Twilight and much of it is added content like the Christmas with Carlisle scene I mentioned before, but much of that extra time is spent learning how Edward thinks of himself, how he wants to be, what he wishes were different, and his desire to live a human life and, moreover, to let Bella live a human life, is extremely powerful. It makes the fact that she's turned in Breaking Dawn even more disappointing. There was a part about halfway through this book where Edward listens to Alice's mind as she has a vision of Bella's future as a vampire, and I genuinely felt crestfallen by the idea, even though I have known her fate for over a decade now. We get to see how Edward views Bella and, on top of that, we get to hear their conversations in much greater detail than before. It honestly was wonderful, finally getting to see what he sees in her, and I really do see it. Bella is actually really cute and funny in this book in all of the added content and I found myself appreciating her as a character in a way I had never done before. I would be excited and interested to read the rest of the series from Edward's point of view, especially if Jake Abel, who translated beautifully from an actor on the screen to an actor on an audiobook, returned as the narrator. I would really like to see the events of New Moon in particular through his eyes. He is a genuinely fun and interesting protagonist and I would relish in just about anything else Stephenie might feel like adding to his story. This was a really fun, melodramatic, and honestly really cute adventure. I'm truly delighted that Stephenie Meyer finally got to release it after not only the leak that happened in 2008, but also how, as soon as she decided to get back to this in 2015, E.L. James decided to release her own "first book told from the main guy's POV" book in Grey, delivering what I can only imagine to be a devastatingly demoralizing blow. She finally wrote the thing and it's pretty fucking good. Good on ya, Steph. Good on ya.

#midnight sun #twilight #stephenie meyer #2020 #goodreads mirror #blurrypetals

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genderless-consul · 4 years

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Top 5 glee ships?

Straight to the live wire, huh?

Ok, so:

1): Brittana - The fact that I really struggle to write them doesn’t change the fact that this is the one they got right, and I can still barely believe it to this day. The original joke in Season 1 was so obviously a throwaway lazy gag from a writing staff that consistently wrote women with absolute contempt, but Naya pushing them to take it seriously changed the course of the entire show. Their arc in Season Two is Glee at its absolute best (they even made Gwyneth Paltrow tolerable!), they have some really beautiful moments in Season 3 even if that whole season and Santana’s coming out arc in particular is kind of a disaster, and as much as we love to make fun of Santana’s gay panic in Season 4 (don’t act like it’s not highly relatable) even their break-up is legitimately beautiful - Naya turning Mine into a breakup song with nothing but her voice is the moment that cemented her as the GOAT Glee vocalist in my book (also Hand in My Pocket/I Feel the Earth Move is my second ranked mash-up of all time and I’m so angry the awful Santana/Kurt scene right after overshadowed it). And I have....complicated feelings about A Wedding as an episode (and we’ll get to that) but their part of it is absolutely everything it needed to be. “I would have suffered it all, just for the tiny chance to be standing up here marrying you.”

2): Faberry - No surprises here, except maybe that it’s not number one (canonicity was the tiebreaker, sadly). My favorite thing about Faberry is that there’s a million ways to ship them and all of them are great - obviously I’m more than onboard for an alt-version of Glee where theirs is the slow burn unlikely love story, but I also really love the tragedy you can read into them just from the canon, especially spinning out from the Quinntana one-night stand: that Quinn probably does have feelings for Rachel but either realizes it too late or just buries it out of self-loathing, and by the time she’s comfortable with herself the chance for storybook romance has already passed her by. Like seriously - if they had made that characterization explicit instead of retreating to the laziness of the Biff/Quick disasters in the anniversary episodes, I would have been just as happy with that as a Faberry endgame, both because the latter was always probably impossible given the centrality of Finchel to the show’s core structure and because Sad Flameout Lesbians deserve representation too, goddammit! And of course they’re a gold mine for fanworks, because there are so many “could have been” moments where their story has the chance the take a different direction, the best being their confrontation in Original Song: “you can’t hate me for helping to send you on your way” is the best use of Glee’s existential sadness since the Pilot. Oh, and their one and only duet is a fucking Red/Blue sequence and also one of the best songs on the entire show - enough said.

3): Finchel - My ultimate hot take, at least as someone from the Faberry side of the fandom, is that Finchel is Good, Actually. Keep in mind, I never watched Glee as it was airing, so I never experienced the frustration of Finchel’s inevitability; I knew from the very beginning that they weren’t going to get their happy ending. And as irritating as some of the on-again/off-again drama could be and as choppy as the pacing was at times, it really was one of the few relationships on Glee to be developed with consistent care and effort. I love that they have a genuine friendship and push each other to be the best versions of themselves (however inelegantly) even when they aren’t together, and the dynamic where the guy is the willing sidekick to the female protagonist and knows what they have might only be temporary was really refreshing to see, especially in a high school show. I’ll always be heartbroken that they couldn’t end it the way they were supposed to even if I wouldn’t have liked it, and they’re the reason the final scene of Season 3 makes me sob every time.

4): Tike - The ultimate “THEY DESERVED BETTER” ship. And yes, I know it’s off-brand for me to put two m/f ships on the list, and yes, I know RBI basically had to make Tartie endgame as a courtesy to Kevin and Jenna for sticking it out until the absolute bitter end, but I’m still mad. Tina was always used as a joke, and Mike was never used at all, but when they were together they got the briefest taste of actual storylines, and they were so. goddamn. cute together. Sing! and L O V E aren’t the first Glee duets that most people think of, but they captured the magic of just being straight up in love with someone better than a lot of the more over-the-top numbers from other characters. And look, I don’t actually need my ships to stay together forever on a high school show (or any show), but given that they had the longest run as a continuous couple on the entire show I will never forgive RBI for using them as the one “no”in A Wedding in a disingenuous attempt to pretend they were at all interested in realism and weren’t just throwing bones to the fanbase. Like, I don’t know how to explain this to you, Ryan Murphy, but it’s not subverting expectations to kick the shit out of Tina one more time because THAT’S LITERALLY ALL YOU’VE EVER DONE WITH HER (Sorry, what was I talking about?)

5): Klaine - my ultimate love/hate ship, and the ultimate victim of Glee being consumed by its own hype machine. The initial arc - the staircase, Teenage Dream, Blackbird - was magical even at its corniest, and beats like the GAP Attack and Blame it on the Alcohol were desperately necessary moments of complication that kept Blaine’s character more interesting than “Kurt’s perfect boyfriend” (also, real quick, fuck Ryan Murphy’s biphobia). But the second Blaine transferred in Season 3 it became clear that they didn’t really have a plan for Klaine in the same way they did for Finchel - Blaine gets a different personality every single season, Kurt gets to a completely different place in his life that makes his inability to move on from Blaine really hard to buy, and Blaine as the New Rachel in 4/5 is every bit as insufferable as that conceit implies. Even with all that, though, they kept winning me back, because Darren can sell the hell out of over the top cheese and Chris Colfer is the world’s greatest exasperated Straight Man (thinking especially of Teenage Dream Reprise and that absolutely batshit Beatles proposal, both of which worked for me way more than they should have). I also weirdly like the messiness of late Season 5 Klaine - the episodes aren’t good, but I appreciate their willingness to confront how much of a terrible idea them living together at that stage of their life actually is, and they even managed to win me over to the idea that they would find a way to make it work anyway. But the Karofsky thing in Season 6 was just one reversal too far, and to get them back together again after that in the most contemptuous, smug, “nothing matters so just give the shippers what they want I guess” insincere way possible (I really hate The Hurt Locker, can you tell?) was the last straw for me, to say nothing of how disrespectful it was to Brittana and Klaine to have one couple’s wedding coopted at the last moment by another so that it was no longer about them as characters but about how much Ryan Murphy has done for The Gays. So yeah, Klaine: My favorite canon ship that I wish didn’t actually end up together, at least not the way they did. But they were at their best when Glee was actually relevant and changed a lot of lives as a result, and that timing alone earns them a Top 5 spot.

#Glee #top 5 anything #long post

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trollhuntersshardborn · 4 years

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Forged in Darkness summary

Forged In Darkness was going to be two backstories that I felt couldn’t be squeezed into Act 2. And because these backstories are important and FiD is short, we’ll start with that before jumping into Act 2.

The first backstory is Alora’s, because in original planning of this story, Alora was going to be the main character.

So, a girl was born to two peasant folk in the year 1000 AD. The mother died of childbirth, and the father had no money to feed him and the baby. So he sold the baby to the nearest castle for coins to feed himself, convinced that a life of servitude would leave her housed, fed, protected and cherished. Well, he was right about the first two. The girl, who grew up with no name, was made the scullery maid of the castle kitchen, where she did dishes and the cleaning and made sure there was always hot water available. The kitchen cook would routinely check if the water was hot enough by dousing her with it, overtime leaving her with severe scars on her back. The girl was resentful and bitter, but powerless to even speak her frustrations else she become further abused or worse kicked out of the castle.

Her fortunes took a turn for the better and worse eighteen years later, when gumm-gumms took down the castle, killing and/or eating everyone inside. The girl was found and eaten by Gunmar himself. Then she woke up in his own castle keep twenty four hours later. Turns out she’s a Shard, resurrected by her now immortal soul. Yay? Well, now that Gunmar has himself a Shard to craft a massive army, he’d be able to take over the surface lands much faster now. But before that, he requests from her a son. It takes the girl time to get used to the idea that this is her life now, but she accepts this under the condition that she be treated better than when she was in the human castle (exact wording: “Don’t give me kindness and be cruel. Don’t give me cruelty and be kind. Be consistent with your treatment. Do not deceive me.” “Is that all? You don’t ask for much.”). Two months and two days of intense magical labor later, the Maiden has given Gunmar his son, Bular. The child is very small and weak, practically a runt, and while Gunmar is overjoyed to finally have kin, he’s apprehensive of the child surviving at all. Turns out that Maiden’s Life Magic is not particularly strong and it’s doubtful that she can churn out an army quickly. This would make her pretty useless, but since the other option is to toss her out and potentially give the enemy a Shard of their own, the gumm gumms opt to keep her. If only to raise the child.

Maiden loved Bular dearly, but having never cared for children and being a human raising a troll, she couldn’t give him a good upbringing. And terrified that he could be killed easily, once he started getting the hunger for battle, she tried to toughen him up and train him herself. Which meant she needed to be trained to fight as well. But a soft, fleshy human doesn’t last long in a sparring match with a troll. She was killed often, and soon brought back to life. She also eventually discovers the power to summon the swords she was training herself to use whenever she gets extremely pissed off or overprotective of Bular. These two discoveries cement that Maiden was immortal, and couldn’t die no matter what, which gave her the now trademark smart mouth, fiery temper and ignorance of high risks and deadly situations. The Maiden is now stricken with Deadpool Syndrome and quickly gets on the nerves of everyone in the Keep, including Gunmar. But again, they can’t toss out the firecracker or else she could become the enemy’s Shard. Also, Bular is rather attached to his completely erratic and insane mother, and she’s become rather good at fighting.

Determined to now become her own person and stand by Gunmar and Bular’s side as someone to be respected and feared, she goes to Gunmar and demands a rite of passage. All trolls go through a rite of passage to be considered adults, and once complete have the opportunity to choose a new name for themselves (this practice is now out dated and trolls in the modern day don’t really do this anymore). Gunmar is reluctant, but when she challenges him with a rite that “even Gunmar would not be able to do,” he tells her to go slay a Nyarlagroth Queen and bring back its skull. It takes her a goddamn MONTH, but she does it. Now, while she’s gone, a couple of changelings are putting a strategy in motion to keep themselves alive a little longer as well as put Maiden to better use when she comes back. They convince Gunmar that the Maiden will get stronger and stronger willed and possibly revolt against him, and if she does, Bular will most likely follow her. This isn’t good for anyone, so they convince Gunmar that the best and fastest way to tame her is to tie her down with the one thing that ropes in humans: love. “Give her what she wants most,” Corvis tells Gunmar, “a family.” Gunmar reluctantly agrees to play along, if only to keep civility and to reign in his own son. So when the Maiden comes back, and chooses the name Alora Darren (a combination of two troll queens from the past), Gunmar greets her with what will be a pet phrase to come:

“Alora. My wife. My queen. My one true love.”

This... works. Its awkward for the two of them at first, but now believing she’s won Gunmar’s adoration, she feels officially a gumm gumm and part of the pack. And it is so for three hundred years. Alora soon makes her name as a fieresome, deadly general among both trolls and humans. The trolls call her “Gunmar’s concubine” or “Gunmar’s human whore” while the humans call her “the wife of the devil himself.” But despite the new status, she’s still at the bottom of the family totem poll. And still as arrogant and wild as ever. Gunmar often sighs and groans at her antics, but there’s little else he can really do. She’s as reigned in as can be, but overtime, she does grow on him as his mischievous other half, though he rarely supports her schenaniganary.

This backstory actually ends just before the end of Act 1. Having lost the survivors of Royal Troll market, everyone is moving to head out to China to track down this Heartstone growing there. Alora is rather salty after her battle with Nakrik but won’t say why. This is when her own right hand, Skeeziel, who had been by her side as basically her only friend and supporter, admits that he’s been madly in love with her this whole time and goes to embrace her. She quickly pushes him away, not sure what’s caused this confession and not feeling the same way. However, Gunmar has seen this, and he calls Skeeziel to him, and promptly beheads the wizard troll. Alora is... devastated by these turns of events and it leads to a massive fight with Gunmar. This is basically going back on the agreement of giving kindness and being cruel. It then comes out that Gunmar didn’t even love Alora back then and was just doing this to reign in her wild side. Both are hurt and heartbroken, Alora so much so that she just... sits down and refuses to move. Gunmar won’t stay for any temper tantrum she may have and calls his armies to march east immediately.

Bular goes to his mom’s side, not having seen this fight at all, to urge her to come with them. It takes all of her energy to bring him close and touch foreheads, eyes heavy with tears, trying hard not to cry in front of her son. Bular catches on that something is wrong, and wants to stay with her, but she urges him to go with his father, scared of what would happen if Bular was no longer on Gunmar’s side. Bular reluctantly goes, angry with his mother staying behind and follows Gunmar east.

And so falls the Gumm gumm queen, into mortal despair. We’ll come back to this scene in Act 2.

The second story in Forged In Darkness is called Paika, and it follows the villain to be introduced in Act 2.

The story takes place in Bulgaria (because GODDAMN IT RICHARD ASHLEY HAMILTON WHY DAMN IT WHY FUCKING GOD DAMN IT ALL!),circa 1121 AD, in a tiny village called Anka, which sits on a mountain. This village is a combination village where humans and trolls lived together side by side in peace. And Gunmar’s conquering and rampages are driving trolls to seek solace in places he would have trouble reaching or not bother with, including this very out of the way village. Making their way here is a group of refugees hoping to find safety for themselves and several orphans they picked up along the way. One of these orphans catches the eyes of the human elder of the village, Kohsena Radulova. She spies a troll toddler born with no eyes and is a species of troll she’s never seen before. Taking pity on this little one, she takes him in personally and through magic, gives him his own eyes to see the world through. He says his name is Paika and she raises and loves on him as a son of her own.

Now, Kohsena isn’t your average hedge wizard, she’s also a Shard (whoa!)! She was born in the year 1000 AD, and had no idea of her powers until she passed away in her old age at seventy. Having come back to life, she discovered she can retain any and all knowledge she learns and uses it to memorize books of magic the trolls have on hand, easily harnesses the power of magic and brought stability to the harsh mountain they live on. She went on to continue being a granny to her kids, grandkids and great grandkids as they grew, and is the undisputed wise woman of Anka. When she adopts Paika, she quickly notices his talent for magic and takes him as her apprentice to pass on her teachings.

Paika is incredibly gifted in magic, using it in ways never seen before. But he’s a rather small troll, so he’s often bullied by both the troll and human kids growing up. But he’s also rather fast and limber, so he’s able to outrun, out jump, out climb, and stay hidden from any trying to pick on him. Noting how he navigates around the village and nearby forest with ease, one of Kohsena’s grandsons teaches Paika how to hunt and he’s rather good at that too. He seems as in tune to the mountain as Kohsena and has good potential to be a village elder. It’s not long after Paika reaches adulthood that he accepts his rite of passage. It comes in two stages: to make a tool he will use for the rest of his life, and to bring back a rare flower that grows inside the mountain. Paika makes a hardy hunting knife and uses his own talents to bring the flower back. Now an adult troll by rite, he can chose a new name. He decides to name himself after this troublesome flower, the Ingoret, which is a poisonous flower but when used correctly can be a life saving medicine. The name Ingoret is a troll word for “the very fine line between life and death.” But Paika has never been able to pronounce this word, so his official adult name is Angor Rot.

Skip to 1297 AD, Gunmar and his troops are making their way up the mountain. There is almost nowhere else for the people living on Anka to flee. Some are preparing to fight, and Kohsena promises to protect her home to the best of her ability. But Angor believes they aren’t enough and wants to go search for help. When asked who could possibly help, he says the witch in the black sea. In the least, she can grant him greater magic than he can wield on his own. Kohsena viciously shuts this idea down, since the witch is extremely dangerous and fickle. But Angor doesn’t see any other way to fight off Gunmar and keep his home. He sneaks away to the rocks in the sea to strike a deal with Morgana. We all know how that went.

Angor, sans one soul, instead of going off to fight Trollhunters rushes home to mom, hoping maybe she could fix this. He comes back to a village in ruins and the mountain barren of life. Gunmar, Alora, and the gumm gumm armies have laid waste to it all. Kohsena clings to life by the village center tree, unwilling to move in her grief, and seeing Angor return after selling his soul for magic makes the grief worse. She tells him that some of the villagers had escaped and she did what she could to protect the village but almost everything is gone. Angor insists that she come with him to find the others, but she refuses. She’s heartbroken that he left, but she says outloud “I’m glad you did. If you stayed, you would have been killed.” And this cuts him deep. He leaves her behind to pack what little of their things survived, and when he comes back, he sees that she’s died. Figuring that she’ll wake up on the way, he starts to take her body down the mountain. After several days, she doesn’t wake. An immortal Shard has permanently died. Angor, devastated, takes her back to the village and buries her. And now, with no emotional tethers, becomes a hunter to all Merlin had created. This also includes Shards, creatures of Merlin’s creation.

((Side note: Nadia was born the exact moment Kohsena died. Coincidence? To be addressed in Act 2))

In 1300 AD, Angor locates another Shard. This one is a rather young woman who’s ability is seeing the future, and her title is the Blind Seer (I think I had a name for her, but it’s lost to time). She had evacuated the troll village she lived in, prepared for Angor to come here. He came seeking knowledge of how a Shard can permanently die, and she was willing to give it to him. Why? “Because I have seen this moment. You come. I tell you the secret. You kill me, and go on to kill the other Shards. This is both our destinies, and there is nothing to be done to stop it.” With this, she tells him:

A Shard is only immortal when she wants to be. When she decides she no longer wants to live, the soul becomes mortal for as long as this wish is present. And the Seer, knowing this is her final moment alive, accepts this and relinquishes her will to live. And so Angor kills her to test this theory, and it is so. She never revives. And now, with this knowledge, he gains a title other than Hunter of Hunters. He’s also the Shardkiller.

Aaaaaand, that’s Forged in Darkness. I had thought of giving Grim a backstory here too since so little is written about him, but I honestly don’t have a good backstory to tell about him.

#Shardborn summary

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noxstellacaelum · 5 years

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Clary STILL deserved her story

So, Todd Slavkin, the showrunner (along with Darren Swimmer) of Seasons 2 and 3 of Shadowhunters TV, just published a book about his time with the show. It purports to be a BTS account of his experience running SHTV, with proceeds going to the Trevor Project and a couple of other charities. Sigh. Every damn time I think I am finally through with this silly, pulpy show, I get pissed off all over again.

The TL;DR version: OH MY GOD CAN THIS MAN PLEASE JUST STOP???!!!! SHTV had the IP rights to the 6-book Mortal Instruments Series. Clary is the protagonist of this series: Her journey is the scaffolding upon which the series’ narrative is constructed. Centering Clary (and her love Jace) in what author Cassie Clare has described as a “girl power” story was an intentional narrative choice in TMI. So why, then, did Todd and Darren treat all of the female characters like garbage and erase Clary’s entire narrative arc in favor of bizarre non-canon plot twists and ancillary characters? Why did they encourage toxic fandom ship wars that pitted fans of Clary (and her love Jace) against fans of Malec? We NEVER, EVER should have had to choose between representation of LGBTQ+ characters and stories and Clary’s narrative arc.

Longer version:

First, credit where credit is due. I am glad that Todd is raising money for worthy charities. I am a long-time supporter of the Trevor Project, and the show and its fans have been loyal supporters of this organization for at-risk LGBT+ youth for years. Good for him for publicly supporting the Trevor Project once again.

Second, SHTV is to be commended for its racially diverse casting (casting choices for which Todd and Darren cannot claim credit, BTW, since they were brought on in S2) and for its commitment to representation for LGBT+ characters and relationships. While the show was far from perfect in this regard, in my view -- I don’t think they got bi representation right with Magnus -- credit is due.

BUT NO AMOUNT OF VIRTUE SIGNALING OR REPRESENTATION THROUGH MALEC CAN MAKE UP FOR THE MESS THAT DARREN AND TODD MADE OF SHTV, ESPECIALLY IN 3B AND THE FINALE. I have gone down this rabbit hole so many times, so I will just summarize here:

In a nutshell, every female character was hijacked.

- For example, Mayrse seems to have existed in S2 and S3 solely to be punished for her S1 homophobia through a non-canon de-runing, then redeemed by becoming captain of the Malec ship. In S3, in particular, it’s as though she has no other children. She does not realize that Jace has been possessed by Lilith. She is never shown helping Jace deal with the loss and heartbreak he experiences first after thinking that Clary was killed by Lilith, and then after Clary’s memory is wiped. Literally the only moment that Mayrse and Jace appear together in the finale is at the Malec wedding -- when she (along with everyone else) neglects to realize that Clary is distraught because her runes are disappearing. By the end of the finale, Mayrse is surfing in Brazil, worried about the effect of humidity on her hair, while Jace remains suicidal and grieving. Seriously?!?!?! Putting aside all of the non-canon fan service plot twists, have the showrunners ever met a mother? No mother would ignore the pain and trauma that Jace experienced due to his possession by Lilith, or after Clary’s exile from the shadow world. And, what does show Mayre’s treatment of Jace say about adoption? For a show so concerned about representation, what about Jace’s story as a survivor of abuse and neglect?

Clary. What is there even to say.

- For one thing, the show completely botched Clary’s love life. First, there was the jumping into bed with Simon, her lifelong best friend, without any sense of struggle/ uncertainty about her feelings, followed by episode after episode of Climon shipping. Book Clary is conflicted -- she doesn’t always treat Simon very well, but she’s 15 (in the books), and she’s dealing with her identify as a shadowhunter and her feelings for Jace (and the whole incest story line (which I am glad the show dealt with reasonably quickly)). Show Clary seems almost entirely unconflicted. It’s as though sex with Simon was no big deal -- even though the show suggests that Simon (HER BEST FRIEND) may well have been her first sexual experience, and forgetting the fact that she’d clearly been falling for Jace (who she now thinks is her brother).

-Second, the Dark Clary storyline is creepy, at best, especially regarding Clary’s sexuality. Think about it. Clary does not sleep with Jace on the show until after Lilith puts the twinning rune on her. (Despite having jumped into bed with Simon no problem.) And then, full-on Dark Clary is shown going down on Jace in a club, and assaulting him, when he was grief-stricken and basically roofied. (Apparently, the only time women on the show get to be sexually assertive is when they are evil (read-Lilith) or possessed (Clary)). None of this made any sense.

-Third, the memory wipe is total bullshit. In what TMI universe would Clary, the protagonist, be left alone on an NYC in a skimpy party dress, with no money, no identity, no memories of the past 4 months, no apartment, no mother, no father figure, no love of her life, no best friend, and no chosen family? In what universe would her love Jace not have seen her runes disappearing? In what universe would Jace have let Clary walk about the door sobbing, especially when she had just killed her last living relative to save the world, and after she had only just returned from the twinning rune/dark side? In what universe would an angel have exiled Clary from the shadow world, and taken away her memories, after she saved the world? Especially when literally every other character got to keep the Sight despite their bad acts (read, Valentine, Aldertree, Jace as the owl, possessed Alec after killing Clary’s mother, Sebastian/ Jonathan after mass murder ...)

Maia’s random Jace hookup. ‘Nuff said.

And finally, the Jace character was basically collateral damage for all of this.

- The show vacillated between blaming Jace for Magnus/Alec/ Malec problems (Magnus losing his magic to free Jace from Lilith) and erasing the parabatai bond between Alec and Jace entirely, especially in 3B, even though though the parabatai relationship is core SH canon. Alec doesn’t realize Jace is possessed for most of 3A. He tells Jace to suck it up in 3x11 when Jace is clearly grieving and suicidal. And, he is shown mixing cocktails in Alicante with Magnus in the finale without a care in the world for Jace’s struggle in the year following Clary’s exile. It’s all Malec all the time for Alec. Yes, Jace/Alec have their ups and downs in the books. But they work through them. And, the parabatai bond is a source of strength for both book Alec and book Jace. With a couple of exceptions, this nuanced and lovely book relationship is lost in the show.

- In fact, the show deprived Jace of every relationship. As noted above, Mayrse doesn’t seem to remember that Jace is her child in S3. Alec is focused entirely on his relationship with Magnus most of the time. Jace and Clary have basically no screen time as a couple. And, no one really seems to give a shit. Not for Jace the son/sibling/parabatai. And not for his mental health, or his trauma after a childhood of abuse and neglect.

After all of this, the wedding was just icing on the cake. Alec and Magnus’s marriage is well-earned in Clare’s books. They get married after five years of a healthy, loving, committed relationship. They remain -- in addition to their relationship with eachother -- son/sibling/parabatai (Alec) and a brave and loving downworlder (Magnus). None of this let’s get married the day after Jonathan’s mass slaughter and after Clary is forced to kill her last living relative, after three or so months of mostly unsuccessful dating.

I want to be clear that I LOVE the Malec relationship, and that representation of this relationship as loving, healthy and joyous has a great deal of personal meaning to me. But I should never have had to sacrifice Clary (and her love Jace) to see a meaningful relationship between Magnus and Alec on-screen. We ALL deserve nice things, after all. Lifting up Malec NEVER, EVER mean we had to destroy Clary, Jace and Clace.

SO, I’ll be donating on my own to the Trevor Project. Maybe someday Todd and Darren will reflect upon the damage that they did.

#tmi #the mortal instruments #cassandra clare #jace #Clary #Jace Wayland #jace herondale

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team-free-will-oneshots · 5 years

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Betrayal

Title: Betrayal (last part of the ‘Reckless’ series!!) Summary: Dean is unconscious, and you and Sam are defenceless against an unexpected foe. You’re not sure how you’ll make it out of this one. Pairing: Dean x Fem!Reader Warnings: some swearing, violence, mentions of blood Word Count: 2,000ish

note; here we are, finally at the end ! thank you all so much for all the love and support you’ve shown this series, i hope this is a satisfying ending !! (and yes i know that gif is michael and its not even the bunker but its the vibe im going for so just like pretend pls). anyway, hope you enjoy!!

Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four

“Darren?”

Your Uber driver?

You set your jaw - you should’ve known something was up with him. What kind of person drives a bleeding, dirty stranger to a place ten hours away in the godforsaken hours of the morning?

Darren smirked, sauntering forward as he twirled his gun in his hands before tossing it uselessly aside. He chuckled.

“The one and only, baby,” he said with a wide grin.

“What- what are you doing here? I gave you five stars-”

Darren scoffed. “And that would mean a lot to me if I was actually an Uber driver. I can’t believe you bought it. You really thought a total stranger would just drop everything and drive you ten hours away? Sweets, that tiny shithole of a town doesn’t even have Uber,” he cackled.

“Then how-”

“Magic,” he hissed. “You thought my sister was working alone? Pfft, she was dumb as a doornail. No, I was behind those well-deserved killings,” he informed you. “She was just my scapegoat. Perfect plan, wasn’t it? I draw you to town with a string of unexplained deaths, all of whom happen to be enemies of hers, of course. You go after her. She takes the brunt of your force, so I don’t have the unpleasant task of killing her. She sends you through the escape portal she’d intended for herself in a last ditch effort to survive - now that, that was the only bit left up to chance,” he said, tutting to himself before continuing.

“But I was there, lurking in the shadows, ready to push you in myself if she didn’t. Sheesh, I’d almost thought you caught me when you heard me behind you. Thank god I’d had the sense to put on a cloaking charm. Not to worry - all went according to plan.”

You set your jaw. “So, what? You wanted me to kill your sister and then be sent to the future? That makes literally no sense.”

He rolled his eyes. “I followed you through the portal, kept you unconscious until I’d had time to find a car, and used my magic to… alter the Uber app on your phone. It’s not like there were any taxis at that time of night, and the state you were in? No reasonable hitchhiker would have picked you up. I was your only option.

“Then, you finally call on me to drive you home.” He laughed. “Oh, I deserve an Oscar for keeping a straight face! A custody battle over a cat? How dumb do you have to be to believe that?” he scoffed. “After I dropped you off, it was all too easy to follow you here. Then there was the pesky task of getting through the defences on this nice-here bunker. That took me a beat, but I’m powerful, and these defences are old. It wasn’t too hard,” he sneered.

“I don’t get it - you just wanted to get to the bunker? Why bother sending me to the future?”

“Well, if I just followed you, the three of you would still be armed with witch-killing bullets, wouldn’t you?” he snapped. He nodded to the guns, abandoned on the floor. “Now, forgive me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty certain the bullets in those things aren’t the kind that could kill me,” he smirked. You gritted your teeth, pissed to admit that he was right. Facing a witch tonight had been the last thing you were expecting.

“Fine. You got us - you’re in the bunker, we’re defenceless. What do you want?” Sam demanded, and you jumped, almost forgetting that he was standing beside you.

“What do I want? The Book of the Damned, of course! I’ve travelled in the same circles as the witch Rowena for some time - she’s told us the stories, the raw power that book contains. I want it. And I know you have it,” he said. “Give it to me, and we can forget this ever happened.”

Sam scoffed. “You think we’re just going to give it to you?”

Darren rolled his eyes. “Well, I don’t see that you have much choice,” he snarled at Sam, before glancing to Dean’s unconscious body. “Not if you want your brother to live.”

Sam glanced at you, and then to the guns a few feet away, and gave a tiny nod towards Darren. You blinked to affirm your understanding - keep him talking.

“Let me get this straight. You killed your sister so… what, you wouldn’t have to share the book with her?” you asked, and Darren nodded coolly. “And that whole ride… nothing you said was true? The kids in college, your divorce, that dick Billy from accounting, none of it?”

Darren groaned. “Well, the stuff about Billy was true,” he muttered. “He’ll be one of the first people I get rid of when I finally have that damned Book!”

You spared a glance at Sam, who was slowly but steadily inching towards the guns. Behind Darren, you saw Dean beginning to stir. Your adversary’s attention began to waver, and you quickly brought it back to you.

“So why did you blow open the door, anyway?” you asked loudly, and Darren’s eyes narrowed in confusion.

“What?”

“I left the keys in your car.”

Darren’s expression fell flat. “You- the keys? Were in my car? You mean I spent two hours disabling those sigils for nothing?”

You shrugged. “Yeah. Well, you’ve had a pretty roundabout way of getting here, anyways, so I guess it this works better with the drama of it all. I’m not totally sure all this was necessary, but kudos to you, man. It’s not often we find someone who actually tries to plan anything out this well,” you interjected. Darren smirked.

“Well, what can I say, I’m-”

“Dead,” Dean hissed from behind him, slamming a broken chair leg onto his head. Darren buckled beneath the heavy wood. “C’mon, that won’t keep him down for long - we need witch killing bullets, asap,” Dean instructed, wincing as he pressed his fingers to his temple. It was sticky with blood - Darren must’ve knocked him out with the butt of his gun.

You and Sam jumped into action - Sam collected all three guns from the floor, and the three of you flew down the hall and into the armoury. You were a little slower than the brothers, nursing a limp from the cluster of splinters buried into your foot. When you got inside, the boys were fumbling through drawers until one of them finally found your stock of witch killing bullets.

An angry shout echoed from the library, followed by the sound of pounding footsteps bouncing off the corridor walls. The three of you divvied up the bullets, and you’d just emptied your gun and began to reload it when the armoury doors were slammed open.

If you’d thought you’d seen Darren angry before, he was positively furious now. A wave of his hands had you and Sam flying into the walls on opposite sides of the room as he stalked towards Dean, who was hurriedly loading his gun. Another wave of Darren’s hand sent the gun flying into the corner.

“You little motherfucker,” he hissed, hand shooting forward, and suddenly Dean was thrown into the wall and clutching at his constricted airways. Darren pressed his hand to the back of his head, where a lump was visibly forming and his hair was matted with blood.

“How dare you!” he yelled. Still disoriented from your fall, you blinked a few times, forcing yourself to focus. Your ribs were protesting - definitely bruised, probably fractured - and the bleeding in your wounded shoulder had started up again. Breathing through the pain, you caught sight of your gun on the ground, only a few paces away, one bullet loaded. Any other bullets had rolled out of sight, but they offered no significance to you now - one was all you needed.

Darren was still hurling insults at Dean as you dragged yourself across the floor, snapping the gun into working order. You spared a glance at your boyfriend, who was starting to turn purple as he weakly clawed at his throat. Sam was knocked unconscious across the room. You were the last line of defence.

You took aim, breathing slowly to steady your shaking hands. Darren raised his hand, about to deliver the final blow. Your chest constricted in panic.

“Hey, dick!” you shouted, and Darren spun around just as you grunted and squeezed the trigger.

The gun kicked back against your body, the force rocking your already injured shoulder, and you cried out in pain. Darren’s eyes widened in shock, mouth forming an ‘o’ as he reached out a hand in a futile effort to protect himself. But before he could summon an ounce of magic, the bullet sailed home, burying itself in his chest.

He collapsed into a bloody heap; pained, choked cries fled his lips before he finally stilled, mouth permanently open in surprise. Dean collapsed to the floor, coughing, cursing and gasping for air, while Sam slowly stirred in the corner. You ran the back of your hand over your face, wiping away the sweat and the tears of pain you hadn’t even realised you’d shed. You cautiously walked forward, kicking Darren in the side of the face. His head lolled to the side, eyes glassy and staring lifelessly at the ceiling.

You breathed a sigh of relief, collapsing to your knees as the adrenaline slowly seeped from your system. You pressed your hand to your shoulder, ignoring the agony in your ribs as you staunched the flow of blood. Dean’s eyes shot to you, and he quickly stumbled over.

“Hey, hey- stay with me, okay?” he instructed, and you nodded, finding the energy for a breathless smile.

“I’m fine,” you told him. “Couple of stitches and I’ll be good as new.”

Dean examined your shoulder first, before nodding as he realised you were right. He got to his feet, hauling you up with him as he cast a glance at Sam, who was rubbing his head as he clambered upright.

“You okay, Sammy?”

“Yeah… yeah, fine,” he groaned. Dean nodded, turning his attention back to you as he helped you limp down the glowing red hall to the infirmary.

Dean’s hands were shaking as he tore through the cabinets, finding bandages, disinfectant, a needle, thread. You reached out and pressed your hand over his, and when his eyes met yours, he finally began to calm down.

“Dean. I’m fine,” you told him. Slowly, as though hesitant to believe it, he nodded.

“You’re fine,” he breathed, repeating it to himself a few times until it finally seemed to sink in. When he looked up again, he was somewhat back to his old self. “So that was your Uber driver, huh? Think you can get a refund?”

You laughed, wincing as Dean cleaned your wound and stitched you up.

“Well, I definitely regret giving him five stars, at any rate,” you got out through gritted teeth. Dean chuckled as he nodded, cutting the thread and pressing a plaster over the wound, before securing the area with a bandage.

After a few moments, the power flickered back on, filling the room with a bright fluorescent light that had you and Dean both blinking in surprise. Sam must’ve fixed the outage - about time. The air reeked of disinfectant and your shoulder stung like a bitch, but even amongst the pain, Dean’s eyes met yours and you felt yourself melting under his gentle, loving gaze.

“There,” he said softly, pressing a kiss to your forehead. You smiled.

“Thanks,” you murmured, pausing a beat and enjoying your small pocket of intimacy before breaking the comfortable silence. “So… I saved you.” Your voice took on a teasing lilt. “Think I can handle myself on a hunt now? Or am I still too ‘reckless’?”

Dean chuckled in spite of himself.

“You’re definitely too reckless,” he said. “But maybe… maybe that’s not always a bad thing. Honestly, it’s kinda one of the things I love about you.”

“Yeah?” You grinned, and despite his best intentions, Dean found himself returning it.

“Yeah.”

fin. __________

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amphtaminedreams · 5 years

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50 Films You’ve Got to Watch

Hi to anyone who’s reading,

I thought I’d take a break from the fashion posts to ramble on about something else that I’m really interested in for a hot minute. And I say ramble with intent, because I do go ON.

The topic is film and I thought that I’d make a list of my 50 must watches. These are movies that I feel had the biggest impact on me which means, yes, I do have tattoos referring to a couple of them, lol. My genre of choice is usually horror and although there has been a bit of a “horror renaissance” and a shift towards prioritising good quality storylines over jump scares in recent years, on the whole, they typically aren’t the most highbrow films out there, so there aren’t THAT many on this list. Most of the horror films I listed are just genuinely good quality rather than a straight-up gorefest or anything too terrifying, however, I’m not that easily scared so if you did fancy watching any of the films I mentioned, take that with a slight pinch of salt!

Also, this isn’t anything to take too seriously. I really like movies and cinema but I’m also not a movie critic and this is more of a hobby than something I want to pursue. Like, I’m completely aware of how unrealistic working in TV or film is as a career if your family isn’t loaded. Very aware. Painfully aware you could say (imagine me sighing as I’m writing this). That being said, part of me does want to do a ranking of every film I’ve seen in 2019 at some point this year, so if anybody else is interested in this kinda thing let me know!

Lauren x

50 Films You’ve Got to Watch:

1. Black Swan (2010)

“I felt it. Perfect. It was perfect.”

I watched Black Swan years ago now and I still remember how disturbing I found it and how exciting that was to me. I was probably a bit too young (young enough that my mum felt it necessary to cover my eyes during the Natalie Portman/Mila Kunis sex scene, lol) but even then I could recognise that it was a beautifully haunting film and Darren Aronofsky has gone on to be one of my favourite directors.

2. Jennifer’s Body (2009)

“And now, I'm eating your boyfriend. See? At least I'm consistent.”

Engrave it on my tombstone: JENNIFER’S BODY DESERVED BETTER. I fully believe that if this movie was released in 2019, it wouldn’t have faced half the criticisms it did back in 2009. It genuinely was ahead of its time. Megan Fox? As a boy-eating, demonic cheerleader? And Amanda Seyfried? Some of the most ICONIC DIALOGUE EVER? It should’ve invented a GENRE. Instead it got paid DUST. Yes, when I write in caps lock, my internal voice is YELLING. I feel passionately about this, okay?!

3. La La Land (2016)

“I guess I'll see you in the movies.”

Again, maybe it’s a basic film bitch opinion to have but I adored La La Land. I saw it at the cinema and spent the last 20 minutes of the film sobbing, only to find my mum and sister distinctly underwhelmed. I indignantly ranted back then to them how perfect a film it was and I’m going to do the same thing now so if you are reading and you didn’t like it, then you should probably just move on because I wouldn’t want to read myself banging on about Emma Stone again for several paragraphs either (don’t worry, I’ll try and keep it to one). I can’t help it. This film was just TOO REAL! Like, in every way but the actual plot and characters, La La Land has the dreamlike quality of a fairytale. The colours are rich and thick and always complimentary, the musical sequences are either like Disney songs or lullabies, and Emma and Ryan Gosling are made for each other. But then life and ambitions and resentments get in the way. And that’s the real part! That’s why it’s so bloody good!

4. Easy A (2010)

“People thought I was a dirty skank? Fine. I’d be the dirtiest skank they’d ever seen.”

And so we arrive at the movie that actually began my love affair with Emma Stone. Iconic. Iconic in every way. The bad reputation montage is cinematic excellence. For real, though, this is so underrated as a coming of age movie. Like don’t get me wrong, Mean Girls is everything (I easily could’ve included it on this list but I feel like it’s just a given that anyone who grew up in the noughties loves that film) but Easy A deserves just as much credit. It has Penn Badgley, one of the few celebrity males I care about! Amanda Bynes! Aly Michalka! Lisa Kudrow! Did I mention Emma Stone?

5. Kill Bill (2003)

“Now, if any of you sons of bitches got anything else to say, now's the fucking time!”

If I had to put any of these films as my singular favourite, it would probably be the first Kill Bill. Controversial, I know; even my dad introduced it to me as the weaker of the two. To list any Quentin Tarantino movie as the one that inspired you to want to be a director is probably a very cliche film student thing to say BUT I’m not a film student and I’ve put my directing pipe dream permanently to one side, thus, coming from me it’s not as hackneyed a statement. Or so I tell myself, lol. Basically, I was in awe of Kill Bill from start to finish. The colourisation is a dream, from the crazy 88 scene to the final fight between The Bridge and O Ren Ishii, and I particularly remember loving the animation sequence despite that not really being my kinda thing. I was just so impressed with how seamlessly something so out of place, considering the live action format of the rest of the film, fit in with everything else; even the scenes that should be absurd instead work with the comic book style narrative. Uma Thurman is of course amazing and iconic af but Lucy Liu as O Ren Ishii is my favourite thing about this film and the line I chose gave me all the bad bitch energy I need to, I think, get me through the rest of my time on this planet. If not, the tattooed version of this still I have on my arm should hopefully do the job. Yep, I truly ascended to a divine level of basic film hoe with that life choice.

6. Marie Antoinette (2006)

“This, Madame, is Versailles.”

The first Sofia Coppola film on this list, I love this woman’s work to death. Regardless of the content she’s working with, the end result always gives me the feeling I’m watching an extended music video. They always have this almost dreamlike quality to them and everything from the colour palette to the camera movements to the soundtrack in Marie Antoinette is tied together perfectly.

7. Mother! (2017)

“You never loved me. You just loved how much I loved you.”

I was tense throughout the entirety of Mother. As a socially anxious, obsessively tidy control freak, this whole film was like something from one of my nightmares; think unwanted house party on crack. I was mentally screaming along with Jennifer Lawrence for all of those people to get out, whilst simultaneously just staring at her face because she is so fucking gorgeous! Even when she’s completely lost it! Totally unrealistic but it makes for some really pretty shots! And then there’s the ending which left me kind of like “what the fuck did I just watch?” Which is what Darren Aronofsky films do best. They’re terrifying but also quite beautiful and Mother is no exception.

8. Gerald’s Game (2017)

“Everybody's got a little corner in there somewhere. A button they won't admit they want pressed.”

I finally got round to watching this for the first time the other day and I absolutely loved it. It probably helps that the last Stephen King adaptation I saw was Pet Sematary, so despite the praise this got at the time, my expectations weren’t super high, but I think this really is a perfect horror film. It’s clever, doesn’t rely on jump scares, and the creepy scenes that are in there really get under your skin. It drags a little in the middle though it’s beautifully shot, acted and has one of the few “body horror” scenes in a horror that’s actually made me cringe.

9. A Beautiful Mind (2001)

“I think that's what it's like with all our dreams and our nightmares, Martin, we've got to keep feeding them for them to stay alive.”

I don’t want to say too much about this film and spoil the plot, so I’ll just say that it’s incredible. Devastatingly sad but also wonderfully hopeful at the same time, and solidified my interest in psychology! I could watch Jennifer Connelly all day.

10. Alien (1979)

“This is Ripley, last survivor of the Nostromo, signing off.”

As a horror fan, I don’t think I need to explain why this film’s on the list. It’s been raved about and video essayed and called a pioneer of the genre ad nauseam. Again, not that this is really anything new but part of what I love about this movie is the context of its release and success; before Sigourney Weaver’s portrayal of Ellen Ripley, it was a rare occurrence to have a female protagonist in an action-based movie. Alien really paved the way for women to take up space in a previously male-dominated genre.

11. 10 Cloverfield Lane (2016)

“Crazy is building your ark after the flood has already come.”

I saw this for the first time at the cinema and pretty much went in blind. I hadn’t seen Cloverfield but I love Mary Elizabeth Winstead (Final Destination 3 was always my favourite of the franchise, lol) and there wasn’t really anything else on worth seeing, so my sister and I chose this and it was an experience. Like, of all the films on this list, this is probably the one that had me most on edge and I’m not sure watching it on your laptop on Putlocker will do it justice. You need the curtains pulled to, the volume way up and complete silence.

12. American Psycho (2000)

“Try getting a reservation at Dorsia now, you fucking stupid bastard!”

There isn’t a dull moment in American Psycho. Every line is quotable and every scene is straight to the point. I feel like this film is a masterclass in that Stanley Kubrick quote about editing where he says he liked to get rid of everything that was not absolutely vital to advancing the plot or the audience’s understanding of the character in any way. Plus, the ending is trippy af! Or maybe I’m just a bit oblivious to something that was quite obvious throughout, who knows. Either way, what the final scenes really mean are fun to think about.

13. The Descent (2005)

“I'm an English teacher, not fucking Tomb Raider.”

Okay, so I literally just watched this the other day and had to begrudgingly remove Silent Hill to make space for it (I KNOW it was critically panned and I KNOW the video game is better but I liked the visuals, OKAY!?) because The Descent is truly one of the best horror films I’ve ever seen. Before we even get to the supernatural element of the creatures, which are genuinely creepy for once, there’s a party bag of other phobia-inducing sequences that had me emotionally exhausted within the first half hour alone. Claustrophobia, darkness, heights, actual cringeworthy body horror, The Descent has something for everyone. The way it utilises space (or lack of for that matter) and darkness and panicked camera pans makes you feel as if you are really down in the cave with the characters. To add to that, I was actually rooting for all of them too; it probably helped that they were English rather than the typical American slasher cast but I found them to be a believable and likeable group of women. I truly did want them all to get out alive *spoilers*, which only made the ending all the more devastating and although the general narrative is quite predictable, the way in which things get wrapped up left just the right amount of shocks and questions to leave you reeling.

14. Eighth Grade (2018)

“Gucci.”

No film has ever captured what it’s like having social anxiety during “high school” (it’s called secondary school here in England, I know, but you get me) better than Eighth Grade. A tribute to the feeling of never quite fitting in and wishing you knew how to do what everyone else seems to be able to do naturally, it encapsulates that awkwardness with an accuracy that is really impressive considering that 1. it’s Bo Burnham’s first film, and 2. he’s not...like...a 13 year old girl. It is just as funny as it is sad and Elsie Fisher is great and so, so believable. Girl should’ve won some kind of Oscar.

15. American Beauty (1999)

“I don't think that there's anything worse than being ordinary.”

I wavered on whether or not to include this film on the list due to the Kevin Spacey controversy and decided that I had to with the disclaimer that I watched it quite some time before the stories about him came out and won’t ever watch any of the new things he inevitably ends up doing (because Hollywood has a notoriously short memory when it comes to the actions of disgraced male actors, lol). You can’t deny the amount of talent and skill that went into making a film so graceful and elegant and yet in equal parts unnerving, and I don’t think we should refuse to acknowledge the achievements of everyone else on that set because of Spacey’s behaviour.

16. Bandersnatch (2018)

“The past is immutable, Stefan. No matter how painful it is, we can't change things. We can't choose differently with hindsight. We all have to learn to accept that.”

As I was watching/playing through Bandersnatch, I didn’t necessarily love it. I think I’m echoing a common sentiment when I say that I was kinda confused. I was desperately trying to *spoiler* avoid the option of the protagonist murdering their dad (he seemed like a nice guy!?) but somehow always ended up there by their logic. So I watched most of the endings and then I went on and busied myself for the rest of the evening. AND I COULDN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. One minute I was completely deluding myself into believing the whole parallel universes thing was true and that I should test it out (don’t ask), and then the next I was thinking how disturbing it was that we’d been basically been inside the head of a person experiencing a mental breakdown severe enough for them murdering their dad, who had only ever wanted to help when you think about it objectively, to seem rational. The confusion started making sense within the context of the experience of the protagonist and our role as the audience and though I hadn’t realised it at the time, I’d been completely absorbed in the episode. Maybe the confusion wasn’t intentional, maybe I’m giving Charlie Brooker too much credit based on the recent couple of series of Black Mirror BUT I can’t deny that Bandersnatch left a huge mark on me, and after all, this is the man who wrote White Christmas.

17. Get Out (2017)

“White girls. They get you every time.”

Going into this film, I was cocky. I’ve gotten pretty good at predicting what’s going to happen in things, probably just because I watch too much TV, but from the trailer I was sure I knew exactly what was going to happen. And then, I was completely blown away. The ending was SO SMART, in terms of both the within universe storytelling and also the metaphorical narrative/commentary on the way our society treats black men and women. Like those early episodes of Black Mirror, it had me like “how the fuck did Jordan Peele think of that!?”. I can only dream of being as creative in my writing one day. Even little plot points like where the “police” car turns up at the end and your stomach sinks and you realise the intention of that is most likely to help you empathise with what the average African-American person feels in their day to day life when police make themselves present, what with institutional police brutality and racial profiling; it’s clear so much thought went into this script.

18. Ghost Stories (2017)

“It's funny, isn't it? How it's always the last key that unlocks everything.”

I don’t have all too much to say about this one apart from that I love a well-constructed English horror. I feel like it’s something we don’t do all too often and to be honest, I’m struggling to think of many English horror films in the first place. Ghost Stories is a great example of why we need more; it’s smart and spooky and folky without hitting you over the head with all those elements and Andy Nyman is a perfect lead. Love a bit of Martin Freeman too.

19. Girl, Interrupted (1999)

“Crazy isn't being broken, or swallowing a dark secret. It's you, or me, amplified.”

Maybe this is the 13 year old black and white Tumblr girl in me jumping out but I still adore this film. I know it’s not necessarily the most critically well received but Winona Ryder, Angelina Jolie and Brittany Murphy are 3 of my favourite actresses and I do love the script. I also like the way that Borderline Personality Disorder was characterised in Winona’s character Susanna (I’m wavering on whether to call her a character as if I recall correctly the book was based on the author’s real experience) in that it was quite subtle and that she wasn’t portrayed as manipulative, or aggressive or basically, as the villain, which I feel is usually the go-to. It focussed more on the mood aspects and the way that people with BPD tend to latch onto and idealise others, as Susanna does with Lisa, and these are both things that I have personally struggled with in the past.

20. Hereditary (2018)

“All I do is worry and slave and defend you, and all I get back is that fucking face on your face!”

It was hard to find a quote that encapsulated what makes Hereditary so great because so much of it is about what isn’t said, if that makes sense. It’s a lot of pained silences and resentful looks and horrified screams, and doesn’t that sound like a fun time? Honestly, it’s not necessarily, lmao. Shocker. It has you feeling like something awful is about to happen the whole time, deep in the pit of your stomach, but I like that in a film, when it does make you properly feel. Ari Aster gets slow-burning dread just right in his exploration of dysfunctional families and grudges, with a few heart-sinking shocks thrown in for good measure all without overdoing the jump scares. There are a lot of deeply unnerving “supernatural” moments but there are just as many horrifically realistic familial conflict scenes that give you that whole “something is wrong” gut instinct in equal measures. It’s been a year and I’m still so angry that Toni Collette didn’t get an Oscar nomination for her performance, because it was really the perfect opportunity to break down the invisible wall between horror and critical recognition. On a more positive note, I loved Midsommar too (not as much as Hereditary but it was still a trip) and I cannot wait to see what Ari Aster does next. Once again, I’ll be in the cinema on opening night.

21. Heathers (1988)

“Dear Diary, my teen-angst bullshit now has a body count.”

Heathers is iconic in every way: the outfits, the cast, the lines. I mean, the acting can be a bit iffy at times but I honestly think that without Heathers, Jennifer’s Body might never have existed and that’s a world I wouldn’t want to live in. There was so much choice when I was picking a line to summarise why I like it so much and of course, “fuck me gently with a chain saw, do I look like Mother Theresa?” deserves an honourable mention. You almost made it bby. The TV remake? We don’t speak of it.

22. Hot Fuzz (2007)

“The way we see it, it’s all for the greater good.”

It might not be the “artiest” movie ever but I’ve seen Hot Fuzz so many times and it never gets old. Though I used to love it when I was younger purely for the PG-13 gore, now I appreciate it for the absurdity and the ridiculousness and to be honest, the total believability of the plot when it comes to towns ruled by low-key hostile, doddery old white people. I should know, I live in one.

23. Inglourious Basterds (2009)

“You probably heard we ain't in the prisoner-takin' business. We in the killin' Nazi business. And cousin, business is a-boomin’.”

I wish I wasn’t a hoe for Quentin Tarantino films (I’ve felt personally attacked by many a poundlandbandit starter pack) but I am. The breakneck pacing, the tongue in cheek dialogue and the gore all make this one of my ultimate favourites. Also, I have a huge crush on Melanie Laurent. Yes, it’s the French accent. No, I don’t know the mechanics of how that works. I hear someone speak French and I want to marry them! I can’t help it!

24. Ingrid Goes West (2017)

“Are you actually insane?”

This seems like a random choice to have on the list seeing as it was never really that hyped up, nor did it receive masses of critical acclaim. It did get positive reviews but that was about it. However, as soon as I saw the trailer, I knew I had to see it. Months, and an £8 purchase from HMV later, I finally got to watch Ingrid Goes West and I loved every moment of it. Whilst Aubrey Plaza’s character, I feel, is an exploration of a lot of young women’s insecurities and self-doubts and fears, blown up to monstrous proportions (or maybe just mine, lol), and a 90 minute film about that doesn’t sound all that revolutionary, this one is as intense as it is stylish and darkly comedic and that’s what puts it on the map for me.

25. Insidious (2011)

“I like to call them travellers.”

So this film scared the ever-living SHIT out of me when I was younger and though I now consider horror my favourite genre and watch it on the regular with absolutely no qualms, 13 year old me was (not to use the world lightly) mildly traumatised. I genuinely couldn’t be home alone by myself or sleep at night without thinking the old woman ghost from the beginning was outside my room for a good 6 months or so. Like it literally exacerbated an already present sleep disorder to the point where my understandably frustrated-at-being-woken-up-nightly-by-her-panicking-daughter mother got me referred for CBT (to reflect on a time when I didn’t know what CBT or CAMHS was is…blissful, lol). And maybe because of that, in my mind, I still conceptualise it as one of the very few horror movies that has actually scared me, hence its place on the list. That scene where we first see that Star Wars looking red faced devil? I’d probably still nope out even now.

26. It Follows (2014)

“It could look like someone you know or it could be a stranger in a crowd. Whatever helps it get close to you.”

There’s not too much to say about It Follows, other than that it’s a good horror film and more importantly just a really good film. I feel it’s a crucial, early part of this warmly welcomed horror renaissance we are now fully in the thick of where writers are focussing less on making people gasp and more on actual good quality cinema. It’s a simple concept that leaves enough room for you to ask your own questions whilst still feeling somewhat complete, and not annoyingly open-ended. The shots are good, the characters are normal enough to be believable, and the colour palette is Fincher-esque; the muted tones perfectly complement the feelings of dread that run throughout. Whilst you don’t need to be concerned with what the whole thing is a metaphor of in order to enjoy the film, the possibility of there being that second reading of the narrative, for me, elevate it to a higher level. In other words, it’s got *Shrek voice* layers.

27. Juno (2007)

“I'm just gonna go ahead and nip this thing in the bud. Cuz you know, they say pregnancy often leads to…you know...an infant.”

I love Ellen Page. I love Michael Cera. Together they are the best thing ever. See, I’m not really much of a rom-com girl but I see this as less of a rom-com and more of a coming of age film with romantic snippets and great one liners. It’s sweet and whimsical and funny but also really fucking real in parts, and it’s definitely what I would consider a modern classic. If you haven’t watched it already, do!

28. Suspiria (2018)

“Love and manipulation, they share houses very often. They are frequent bedfellows.”

Witches! Ballet dancing! Decapitation! Tilda Swinton! What’s not to love? As soon as I saw the trailer for Suspiria, I knew I had to see it. Creepy but also beautifully shot and scored, it was worth the 8 month wait from the Venice Film Festival and eventual caving and watching on 123Movies after I couldn’t find the DVD on Amazon; I finally got to tick it off my watch list only to like it so much I had to add the original Suspiria back on.

29. Mulholland Drive (2001)

“I hope that I never see that face, ever, outside of a dream.”

Another film which had me like WTF by the end, I really recommend Mulholland Drive for anyone who wants to be vaguely creeped out and extremely confused at the same time. See, I really love a film where you spend the next few hours after watching researching all the different interpretations and reading interviews with the director. That sounds sarcastic, but honestly, I love it. It’s a moody, film-noir style mindfuck of a movie and even after doing my research I’m still quite baffled. That’s the best part.

30. Requiem for a Dream (2000)

“Purple in the morning, blue in the afternoon, orange in the evening.”

It took me a while to get on board with seeing Marlon Wayans in a serious role (I’ve seen White Chicks far too many times, clearly), but once I did, I was into it. To be totally honest, I don’t think there’s a single happy moment in this film; it comes up quite frequently as one of the most disturbing of all time, which I’m sure Aronofsky probably thinks of as another notch on his belt. Whilst imo, that’s quite a grandiose claim, Requiem for a Dream definitely stuck in my mind after I watched it. Even if you’ve never watched the film, the ending sequence is notorious for how fucked up it is and I do think it’s earned the infamy. What stuck out more to me, though, was how purposeful every shot and sequence felt in terms of trying to let you into the character’s states of mind, the short lived bursts of euphoria and the panicked downwards spirals. I think it will always be one of the most compelling films about addiction for highlighting how terrifyingly out of one’s control it can be.

31. Room (2015)

“No one is strong alone.”

This film made me cry buckets. Brie Larson and Jacob Tremblay are wonderful, and everyone involved deserved all the Oscar hype. Every line was so heartfelt and emotive, and I loved Tremblay’s voiceovers. To translate the stream of consciousness of a kid from page to screen in a way that it remains believable in spite of its wisdom (not like those tweets where people try to make out their kid just casually made some off the cuff scathing political jibe at the dinner table) is quite the feat and similarly, I’m in awe of how the director managed to communicate the pain and confusion of the characters on a level that transcended the physical confines of said room. The escape scene had my heart in my mouth. All this being said, I should really read the book because it’s supposed to be even better.

32. Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World (2010)

‘When I'm around you, I kind of feel like I'm on drugs. Not that I do drugs. Unless you do drugs, in which case I do them all the time. All of them.”

Michael Cera and Mary Elizabeth Winstead are two of my favourite actors and so it’s a given that Scott Pilgrim is one of my favourite films. It’s such a fun, easy watch and the video-game inspired directorial style makes it, in terms of cinematography, probably the most memorable Edgar Wright film on this list imo. The concept, based on the graphic novel, is quite a simple one but that doesn’t stop it being entertaining from start to finish. The rest of the cast is great too: Brie Larson, Anna Kendrick, Mae Whitman, Aubrey Plaza and Alison Pill (Ivy from American Horror Story, anyone?) All make appearances, plus Chris Evans. He’s Captain America or something, right?

33. Scream (1996)

“No, please don't kill me, Mr. Ghostface, I wanna be in the sequel!”

The Scream movies were my absolute favourite when I was just getting into “horror” as a 13/14 year old because they were always pretty tame in terms of scares but nonetheless, always a trip. Though, controversially, I’d probably say I enjoyed Scream 4 just as much as the first one (I am a bit of an Emma Roberts stan), I chose the first one purely for how iconic it was and how ahead of its time. It mixed satire and horror in a way that hadn’t really been done in such a mainstream way before and made it possible for films like Cabin in the Woods and The Final Girls to do so well.

34. Shaun of the Dead (2004)

“Take car. Go to Mum's. Kill Phil, sorry, grab Liz, go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for all of this to blow over.”

I’ve seen Shaun of the Dead way, way, way too many times and I’ll still probably watch it again the next time ITV decide to show it too. It makes me laugh, it’s got lots of good gore and it’s easy to follow. The perfect film to put on whilst eating a take away, as long as you’re not too squeamish, lol.

35. Silence of the Lambs (1991)

“Well, Clarice. Have the lambs stopped screaming?”

Jodie Foster’s portrayal of Clarice Starling makes her one of my favourite movie heroines of all time; quietly courageous, she was the type of female lead that really hadn’t cropped up all that much in the films that came before Silence of the Lambs. And despite its problematic handling of certain issues, it’s a fucking incredible film. The thing about Hannibal Lecter is that they don’t have to tell you that he’s always one step ahead, you see it for yourself (the elevator scene!) and so it kinda feels like he’s looking into YOUR soul too. The confrontation at the end between Clarice and Buffalo Bill is one of the most nerve-racking 15 minutes or so of film I’ve ever watched, and if I ever get asked to justify why I’m scared of the dark again, I’m going to point straight to this scene. Yes, I’m a baby but my fears are VALID!

36. Silver Linings Playbook (2012)

“I do this! Time after time after time! I do all this shit for other people! And then I wake up and I'm empty! I have nothing!”

As you can probably tell from my inclusion of Mother! on this list, I love Jennifer Lawrence, and this is probably my favourite drama film of hers. The way that she and Bradley Cooper portray two people struggling with mental illness is refreshingly honest in that it shows it can make you quite an unlikeable person at times, albeit someone who is just trying their best to survive. That being said, in spite of the subject matter it’s still a relatively light and easy-to-watch film. The diner scene in particular is a masterclass in realistic conflict and reaction, and I hate to be “ooo, edgy” but several of the lines did strike a really deep chord.

37. The Babadook (2014)

“Sometimes I just want to smash your head against the brick wall until your fucking brains pop out.”

The best thing that the Babadook does, much like It Follows, is instils a sense of deep seated dread in you before you even see the supernatural forces at work. The washed out colour palette, apparent emotional disconnect of Jennifer Kent’s (who also directs!) character, and the disorienting movements of the camera all help to create a lingering unease that is just as effective as the grossly uncanny appearance of the monster/ghost/creature/whatever-you-want-to-call-it himself. It’s obvious that Kent had a very clear vision of the story she wanted to tell and even more so that she is a very talented woman; I hope to see even more female directed horror films in the future if the Babadook is anything to go by. The way this film blurred the lines between the inner struggles of a grieving family and the outside supposedly paranormal influence was unsettling as fuck and to get into the psychology of a mother left on her own to raise a small child and how terrifying that might feel is something only a immensely intuitive and empathetic woman could do. Props to her.

38. The Craft (1996)

“We are the weirdos, mister.”

Not to sound all halloween-is-the-only-day-of-the-year-I-care-about VSCO girl (although that might actually be quite an accurate description of me to be honest), but if there’s one thing that sticks in my mind about the craft, it’s the aesthetic. It’s kind of what I aim to emulate in every aspect of my life, NBD. Seriously, when I was trying to pick a still, I was spoilt for choice. The rituals, the outfits, the witchy interiors; there’s this one GIF of Nancy, Rochelle, Bonnie (and maybe Sarah?) lighting all these gorgeous candles and if I could walk around with it permanently looping on my forehead, I would. And ignoring my shallow reasons for liking The Craft, it’s just a really good film. Nancy Downs is probably one of the most interesting female villains of all time and I’m obsessed with anything that explores magic and the occult. It’s equal parts dark and girly, not to use that in a derivative way at all, in that not only does it teeter on the line of being scary, it’s also a gritty exploration of female friendship, power and jealousy. If you are a halloween-is-the-only-day-of-the-year-I-care-about VSCO girl, definitely watch it; more power to you.

39. The Favourite (2018)

“All I know is, your carriage awaits and my maid is on her way up with something called a pineapple.”

I’d seen The Favourite twice within, like, a month of it being released in British cinemas and I do not have a single regret about that; well, maybe a minor regret in paying over £12 to see it in the Leicester Square Odeon with the assumption that the extra price meant fancy seats (it didn’t), but on the whole, I’m pretty happy with my life choices. Emma Stone, Olivia Colman, and the period Mean Girls comparison drew me in but I came back the second time for the costumes, the dialogue, the editing and Sarah Churchill, Duchess of Marlborough. Or Rachel Weiss, in other words. See, The Favourite is superbly casted in that Yorgos Lanthimos must have known we can’t help but see Emma Stone as the “good girl”/protagonist and so it took me a whole second viewing to see her character for what she really was, and realise The Favourite is in some ways less a story of Abigail Masham’s rise to power and more the tragic disintegration of Sarah and Anne’s relationship. I’m sure you can view the film both ways but to view it as the latter brings a whole new dimension to it and the ending, imo. I’m not gonna lie, I didn’t go into the film expecting some vaguely historical lesbianism and that definitely made for a slightly awkward birthday viewing with my family BUT I wasn’t at all disappointed.

40. The Killing of a Sacred Deer (2017)

“If you dig a hole in the yard, better make it a big one.”

This film is slow-moving, weird and the acting can be stiff at the best of times, and yet somehow all these things add to the (take a shot every time I say-) dread that builds throughout. You don’t know exactly how things are going to end, but you do know it’s not well. Like in his latest directorial entry of The Favourite, Yorgos Lanthimos excels in the realm of the strange and vaguely fantastical through his script, score and cinematography, and so even though the settings are quite mundane, The Killing of a Sacred Deer kind of feels like some macabre modern fairytale, the moral of which I can’t quite work out. I can’t imagine anyone playing Martin more unnervingly than Barry Keoghan and I’m never going to complain about Nicole Kidman, but it’s the imagery of the tears of blood, Steven’s children dragging themselves along the floor and the ending scene that stuck with me long after the film had finished. If you’ve got the patience and you enjoyed the style of The Favourite, there’ll definitely be something positive for you to take away from The Killing of a Sacred Deer.

41. The Orphanage (2007)

“Seeing is not believing. It's the other way around. Believe, and you will see.”

When I was first told by my year 11 Spanish teacher that we were going to be watching The Orphanage in class, I definitely didn’t foresee myself including it in a top 50 films list 5 years later and yet here we are. I mean, I shouldn’t have been surprised really as she did tell us it was good and I had frequently seen it included in lists of the best horror films but as with pretty much anything our teachers would put on as an excuse not to teach for a few lessons (I’m really NOT complaining here, they deserve the break and I would definitely do the same, lol), my expectations were definitely low. Side note, I also since found out that Bilbao seems like a pretty cool place and there was a reason she kept banging on about that too, and so moral of the story, teachers do sometimes have some decent recommendations BUT my assumption was that The Orphanage must be pretty tame for her to show it to us. Parents-even of 16 of year olds-love to complain, lol. And to be fair, it isn’t so much in your face scary so much as it is kind of tragic with an undertone of spooky but I really enjoyed it. I want to say that part of what I enjoyed about it so much was the mystery element but honestly I think a lot of that comes from the fact that it’s in Spanish so I had to work to follow what was actually going on.

42. The Ring (2002)

“I can't imagine being stuck down a well all alone like that. How long could you survive?”

The Ring does visuals better than any other horror. The contorted faces of Samara’s victims, the infamous tape and the shots of the well all have a staple in pop culture for a reason. Whilst I don’t find Samara herself particularly frightening, the lore and mythology surrounding her feels so authentically creepy; the tape in particular reminds me of the kind of weird YouTube video you might stumble across when you’re supposed to be trying to get to bed late at night and instantly hate yourself for watching. Naomi Watts is a compelling lead and though I was probably rooting for Sarah Michelle Gellar in the American remake of the Grudge more (I still low-key associate her with the live-action Scooby-Doo and I have no shame), to compare other noughties horror classics, on the whole The Ring is definitely the better quality movie.

43. The Shawshank Redemption (1994)

“I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living, or get busy dying.”

The Shawshank Redemption is just an unequivocally good film. On paper, it doesn’t necessarily have any of the things that draw me to a movie in it, but it’s brilliantly acted, written and shot. It’s frequently cited as one of the greatest movies of all time and I think that’s a very fair statement.

44. The Shining (1980)

“Wendy? Darling? Light of my life. I'm not gonna hurt ya. You didn't let me finish my sentence. I said, I'm not gonna hurt ya. I'm just going to bash your brains in!”

I love The Shining. In terms of scares, not all that much happens in it, but what we do see (the corpse in the bath tub is fucking horrifying) undoubtedly leaves an impact. The score is so unnervingly perfect that I can still hear the sound that’s made when we see those 2…puppets? Costumed people? Basically some kind of weird furry activity-which believe me, makes sense if you’ve seen it-going on. And I only need to see a still of the Overlook Hotel and I can immediately feel the sense of claustrophobia and growing tension that Stanley Kubrick so effectively communicated. A lot of people shat on Shelley Duvall’s acting at the time and whilst she obviously didn’t match Jack Nicholson’s energy, she did come across as a woman genuinely traumatised which is sad when you do consider the effect that shooting the film had on her. With that aside, The Shining is a massively pivotal part of horror history and I’m very excited to see Doctor Sleep this year!

45. The Virgin Suicides (1999)

“Obviously, Doctor, you've never been a 13-year-old girl.”

It really is a toss up between Marie Antoinette and The Virgin Suicides when it comes to Sofia Coppola’s best film, and so of course I had to include them both. See, whereas Marie Antoinette could be the visual incarnation of an album like Marina and the Diamonds’ Electra Heart or Charli XCX’s Sucker (if you ignore the less than fortunate ending, lmao), The Virgin Suicides plays out more to the tunes of something less bubblegum pop and more breezy and mellow, maybe LDR’s Ultraviolence or Honeymoon. You could say in a way that this film romanticises suicide and you’d definitely have a point, but I think considering the fact that it’s based on a book and was made in a time when we were less aware of the damage popular media can do (I think there’s a similar point to be made about the way the villain of Silence of the Lambs’s gender is portrayed and linked to his motivation), I give it a pass. It does also kind of make sense for the film to take this approach; the Lisbon girls are viewed through the eyes of a group of boys who are infatuated with them but also ultimately know nothing about them. In a way, it’s almost a critique of the way these boys think and a commentary on just how stifling and confusing young womanhood can be. I think it’s a beautiful film and a perfect adaptation of Jeffrey Eugenides’ novel.

46. The VVitch (2015)

“Wouldst thou like to live deliciously?”

Is it sad that I have this quote tattooed on my back? Is it biased for me to say no? Because for me, just as much as the Virgin Suicides is about how stifling society’s expectations of young women and how they are supposed to think and act, The VVitch is about the demonisation of girls who go against this and how liberation and sexual freedom for so long were perceived as the result of some kind of satanic and deeply disturbing force at work rather than individual expressions of freedom and femininity. The ending is HAPPY, okay, and if you take away the misty, barren landscapes and the isolation and the paranoia and the baby eating witches and the accusations and the demonic goats, it’s kinda a dark feminist fairy tale to go against puritan panic. I mean, let’s be honest, *spoilers* Thomasin’s siblings were annoying AF. Not that I’m condoning child murder on any level, but you know. In a narrative context was it really so much of a loss when those little shits got the chop?

47. Thoroughbreds (2017)

“At the end of the day, I have a perfectly healthy brain. It just doesn't contain feelings. And that doesn't necessarily make me a bad person. It just means I have to work a little harder than everybody else to be good.”

I love Olivia Cooke. I love Anya Taylor-Joy. I love concise, cutting dialogue, the idea of middle class American social politics, and a little bit of (fictional, of course) murder thrown in there for good measure. Thus, I really love Thoroughbreds. If you watched it with the sound off, it’d be a Polo Ralph Lauren promotional film that gets really dark at the end, and what’s not to like about that?

48. We Need to Talk About Kevin (2011)

“What are these people watching, people like me?”

I still haven’t got round to reading the book this film was based on and I feel like that’s something I need to get on top of ASAP, because it’s been sitting on my shelf for a long ass time. However, based on the little I know about how faithful a film adaptation it is, I think Ezra Miller and Tilda Swinton were a wonderful pairing, and this is a film that’s all about the characters, so it’s a good job they were so well cast. Miller does a great job at getting right under your skin and answering a lot of my questions about what leads someone to commit the kind of horrific crime that his character, Kevin, does. Arrogance, done subtly, is hard to pull off but he nails it, and Swinton is very, very believable as a haunted, grief-stricken mother wrestling with the natural question of the part she played in her son’s actions and the scrutiny that comes with it. Not only that but from the offset, every part of the cinematography helps to convey the feeling of impending doom that builds right up until the climax. The colour palette in particular, which for the most part doesn’t stray too far from the mundane greys and bleak washed-out tones perhaps reflective of Eva’s state of mind, does a great job of foreshadowing what to come when it quite purposefully does take a diversion. It’s all about the red, apparently. Take note.

49. Whiplash (2014)

“Any fucking moron can wave his arms and keep people in tempo. I was there to push people beyond what's expected of them. I believe that is an absolute necessity.”

You honestly wouldn’t believe that a film about drumming could feel like a horror and yet here Whiplash is, leaving me on the edge of my seat and wincing for, like, 2 hours straight. Tonally it couldn’t be more different from the other Damien Chazelle film on this list (La La Land), and yet it flows just as seamlessly and has his same impeccable rhythm; every word, yell and snarl slots perfectly into place and every swivel of the camera is flawlessly executed. If you’re looking for an intense and fast-paced drama, I can’t recommend Whiplash enough.

50. Zombieland (2009)

“Twelve's the new twenty. Gun please.”

Zombieland has only one fault: that Jesse Eisenberg’s character wasn’t played by Michael Cera. But it has Emma Stone and Woody Harrelson so I’ll let it slide. Not much to say about this one other than it’s a wild ride from start to finish, but simultaneously easy to watch and probably the most lighthearted zombie film out there. Almost like The Hangover or something along those lines, but with the addition of the undead. It’s a hard film not to enjoy and I’m just really hoping they don’t fuck up the sequel.

DISCLAIMER: 90% of these stills are from Filmgrab, it’s an amazing website!

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coffeeandcalligraphy · 4 years

Note

were lonan and harrison in a relationship? could you ~maybe~ share a romantic (as romantic as them two can get) excerpt between the two of them?????👀👀👀🥰

OH so u want the tea anon, I shall SERVE. This will probably make more sense if you have context on the series (which I briefly summarized HERE) but I’ll try my best to add context as we go. Here’s a comprehensive breakdown of the entire relationship! TW: this relationship is a little toxic, so tread carefully, mentions of trauma, blood, also lots of old, sorta cringe writing in this one!

1. The initial phases

The boys have had a very complex relationship from the start. At the time, I was very young, so I hadn’t sorted out sexualities for any of my characters, and over the years, they’ve all progressively come out to me, which has been a really wonderful experience.

Lonan is introduced 1/3 way through book two, when the series was still very YA dystopian. When he appears on the page, he’s been Harrison’s coworker in the ~~government, so they know each other well. They’re also nemeses. They dislike each other fiercely, but it’s kind of endearing. Clearly they have a history no one knows about (including myself), whether that’s as friends, enemies, both.

At the time of meeting, both boys are in relationships of their own, Lonan with his first serious girlfriend Holly who is Foster’s (Harrison’s best friend) sister, and Harrison with his first girlfriend, Margo, which always didn’t work (because! Harrison! is! gay!).

2. Getting warmer

In book three, the boys still hate each other, but with even more passionate vengeance. Harrison is angry at Lonan because Lonan keeps ruining his life (does this sound familiar) and Lonan is mad for no reason (does! this! sound! familiar!). This is the book where Fostered’s protagonist, Reeve, finds out Lonan is actually her half brother, and this very much changes the dynamic between Reeve and Lonan who go from trying to kill each other to ~~bonding, which by proxy, changes the dynamic between Lonan and Harrison because Harrison is essentially an older brother figure to Reeve. They’re kind of forced to make some form of amends in this book, but don’t become allies until 1/2-3/4 through.

Big tea is that they take a solo trip together and this is where I first hint at the SHIP (ft. Harrison’s very kind nickname for Lonan: Loner). The squad discussing romance:

“Really Foster? With Loner? Oh my god, out of all of the guys in this world, you paired me up with Loner?”

“Yeah, well why not? You both seem awfully close–”

Foster on Lonan and Harrison’s relationship:

“You guys are practically a married old couple. You even have nicknames for each other…”

3. Making progress

In book four, the boys have amended their destructive relationship, somewhat, and are kind of friends! Between books three and four, we can assume they’ve gotten closer as Harrison seems to know things about Lonan’s past that even his sister doesn't. I’d say they have a pretty productive friendship at this point. Lonan, however, starts a pretty intense romance with a woman named Glenne who reappears in Feeding Habits, and Harrison finds a dog! This is really becoming too similar to what’s happening currently oh! Here’s the first moment where I began squealing at this ship:

The both of them lie on their backs, staring straight up at the ceiling. Blood pools from Ris’ nose, slicing his cheek in two. Lonan’s eye is black, tears still seeping from them in slow, agonizing lines. They don’t look at each other. They don’t speak.

But when I look down, they’re clutching each other’s hands, so tightly, the blood between their fingers drips to the floor.

THE SHIP THE SHIP THE SHIP

4. The ship?? is it sailing??

In book five, the boys seemingly have gotten even closer! The boys have a lot of one-on-one time before the start of the book because they create an entire underground empire together lol but Lonan’s mental health has taken a dip for the worst as past traumas from book four follow him into book five, and Harrison is a big support. Their emotional intimacy has deepened, even if they are only friends (Harrison is single and READY to mingle but Lonan’s still in a relationship with Glenne).

Here’s a line where Reeve states “so haha Harrison is the only person who can make my brother feel better”:

I’ve brought Harrison with me. Not because I don’t trust Lonan, and what he’s capable of, but because I think, out of every one of us, he’s the only one that can get through to him when he’s like this.

I mentioned Lonan’s mental health is not doing great, and at its worst point, Harrison goes out of his way to do the difficult task of tracking Lonan’s mother, Izzy, down so that he can have more support. He pretends to reach out under the guise that he’s actually Reeve:

“Don’t tell him,” Harrison breathes, running a hand through his hair. “The last thing I want him thinking is that I gave enough of a shit to actually, I don’t know, care about him.”

“But you do, don’t you?” Mom laughs when he only flushes deeply, taking a final sip on her tea, which must be nothing but lukewarm at this point. “Seriously, Harrison, right? You two are such teases with one another. You bicker like a married couple.”

5. Harrison says I love you:

(it’s in a funny context but STILL)

“See, this—this is why I love you, Lonan.” Harrison says, swipes the tears from the corner of his eyes with the heel of his palm.

“What did you say?” Lonan asks, and not even biting his lip is enough to stop the goofy smile that peels across his face. “Did you just use the L word?”

6. This ship has come to a halt??

At the end of book five and the beginning of book six, Lonan and Harrison are not on speaking terms. This is because everything seems to go wrong for everyone at the same time. Harrison keeps secrets Lonan wishes he hadn’t, etc. Lonan and Glenne’s relationship falls apart and no one is happy.

Here’s Reeve saying Harrison’s heart is broken over how badly he feels for Lonan and that loss of friendship (SOFT):

I always wondered with Harrison and Lonan, if it were possible to have your heart broken over love that wasn’t romantic... Harrison’s heart broke over Lonan’s torment.

Reeve explains the state of their relationship:

Lonan and Harrison haven’t shared a word since their fight. But we’ve all had duties to tend to, so they’ve still been forced to interact, but even then, it’s radio silence. Sometimes there are glares and scowls involved, but other than that—nothing. It’s the longest they’ve gone without talking, as far as I know. Ris and Lonan might have had a similar conflict when they were co-workers, but from what I’ve witnessed of their relationship, this is more than just a warning sign.

The two make amends after a few weeks of not talking because mutual friend of the squad, Darren, calls Harrison to be like “haha so Lonan and Reeve are disasters please help” and so their reunion is kind of forced:

[Harrison] knows [Lonan and I are] standing there. The involuntary twitch of his ears, the tense of shoulders when the weight of both our stares pin them down. He knows. But he doesn’t look up. He keeps his attention fixed on the bubbling eggs in front of him, the old red spatula that now misses its spot in the cupboard.

Lonan immediately takes a step back, almost knocks me over in the process. It’s not shock, it’s not anger, it’s nothing. Just a passive jolt that makes him clench his jaw, and pull himself together. His eyes, as usual, are safeguarded, prepared to launch back any form of advance.

“You guys gonna stand there for the next hour, or what?” Harrison turns as he says that, and it’s a sting, yet relief when he looks at me first, and not Lonan. “Seriously, you can talk if you want to. It’s not gonna bother me. You look lovely, by the way.”

Silence, but around the skin I peel off my lip with my incisors, I say, “Thanks.”

“Actually,” Ris unzips his jacket, throws it over the back of one of the chairs. “I was talking to him.”

At this point, we feel a few things: a) Harrison is done with Lonan and his toxic patterns but still cares b) Lonan feels somewhat suffocated by Harrison’s attempts to help and the relationship, though a little more civil, is still volatile.

Their second reunion again, is inevitable, which Reeve explains as the squad set out to rescue Foster lol:

Lonan’s coming with us too. That wasn’t my call, or Harrison’s, even. It’s mutual, albeit wordless, the agreement we have that we’d rather find Foster without him. Though his motives steer somewhere closer to wanting to avoid pissy attitudes, we both know Lonan’s of no use if he’s injured. And from the looks of his eye that’s gotten worse, crusted in blood, like a leaked pipe gooed over, and the lacerations across his ribs, sewn shut by my unsteady hand, he isn’t ready for a mission like this. But who am I to control him. I’m not his mother.

7. Back on track?

Reeve outlines a false backstory for Harrison’s iconic leather jacket in the 250-word sentence from a few years ago (she’s in Harrison’s room) and we hint at an actual, palpable romance:

...pretend not to have a flask of whiskey hidden behind his headboard, drink out of it when he falls in love and drink out of it when he falls back out of it, meet a boy who will drink half of it with him, who will hurt him, and hate him, who will be pasted in polaroids behind the map he’s tried to cover him up with, who he’ll kiss and take a picture with, sometimes both at the same time...

8. Or not

But when she brings the romance up shortly after, Harrison seems a lil *tense* about it:

“I saw those pictures. In your room. Behind the map? I saw you. You kissed him.”

Harrison’s jaw trembles. Clenched by the joint, skin concave in the bone. Takes another puff of the cigarette but almost bites off the tip. Curls of the cherry wood table catch under his fingernails.

Harrison denies his feelings for Lonan, tho from the above, we’re not exactly sure why:

“You’re wrong.” And then louder, when I don’t say anything. “You’re wrong. I don’t like your brother.”

“Then why are you hiding him from [Emily]?”

From this, we can assume the boys had somewhat of a productive, healthy romance threaded through the end of book 5, and in sprinklings in book 6, though it seems to not be in a very hot place currently. We see flashes of this in the “mini” stories I’ve written about the boys (Lampshade, Fishbowl, and Mandarin).

9. Jump into Moth Work

In book 6, Lonan has a bit of a resurgence back into a bad frame of mind when something bad happens to his sister and he feels he could’ve prevented it. This leads closer to the present of Moth Work as Harrison makes the decision to take him to his father’s cabin on the west coast, a place he hopes Lonan’s mother, Izzy, will be. She is there, but unlike the first time in book 5 where she helped him, Izzy’s a bit far gone with her own problems, namely a drug addiction. Lonan is unhappy at the cabin, tho this decision leads us into Moth Work as the squad, except for Lonan and Harrison, leave the cabin for the east coast.

In Moth Work, the relationship seems to be teeming into unhealthy as both parties (but mostly Lonan) need to work on themselves. The entire book centres on this conflict as a) Harrison tries to help Lonan who is still unwell, while struggling to realize this is just something he can’t do and b) Lonan struggles with accepting himself and also being a better, accountable human.

10. Oh god here comes Eliza

Lonan is so hyperfocused on himself and understanding his traumas that he struggles to prioritize others over himself, even when he doesn’t mean to. This becomes really emotionally exhausting for Harrison, so in ch. 5 of MW, they physically split. Lonan winds up in Las Vegas, looking for Eliza, his father’s ex-girlfriend, and OH BOY does a bizarre, unplanned (for all of us lmao) romance ensue. This relationship takes a nosedive, even in its best parts because its foundation is laid upon mistruths.

11. Harrison is back

In chapter 12 of MW, Harrison, who’s been entertaining a romance with someone else in the interim, appears at Eliza’s apartment to make amends with Lonan who he can’t seem to shake off (he’s a pesky moth haha). This shakes them both as a) Harrison isn’t sure about Eliza and her potential motivations, and b) Lonan, without Harrison, most definitely knows he’s done hurtful things to “better himself” (which is actually toxic).

12. Lonan says I love you

Lonan realizes how important Harrison is to him, and while they both inevitably know their relationship isn’t going to work out, which Harrison hints at, they share a wholesome moment at the “beautiful place” which I mention in MW writing updates:

“You’re not coming back with me,” Harrison says.

Lonan takes hold of the guardian angel, and gingerly, like it’s fragile enough to crumple, brings it to his mouth and kisses it. His lip glints, just as the angel does, in the moonlight. He lets the angel fall, swaying like a pendulum, and pulls his hand back slowly. Quietly, he says, “I think I’ve loved you a long time.”

13. Inevitable split

Harrison makes the decision to not stick around for Lonan because he’s realized it’s actually unproductive for them both to try to make a relationship work in the state it’s in. Structurally, Lonan needs to change, and he realizes that. Harrison leaves Las Vegas to live with his mother and that leads us to Feeding Habits.

14. Where are we in Feeding Habits?

Lonan has been in a strange relationship with Eliza for about six months, and Harrison’s been living with his mother in NYC after a few destructive instances that prompt her to host an intervention. While Lonan learns a lot about himself and grows a lot in this book, Harrison struggles because I really think he’s hurting over the end of their romance. This is truly a hurt bae moment.

TL;DR: Lonan needs to work on himself & be accountable for his actions before he gets into a relationship with anyone, and Harrison has to learn when to keep his emotional spoons for himself and that he can’t control how much he helps someone, even when he wants to. In my head, I know where the relationship ends (happily ever after), but this is just the very, very beginning, so there’s a lot that both sides need to work out before we get there.

Since you particularly asked for a romantical excerpt, the last chapter of MW is under the cut. It’s imperfect but I think it kind of sums up everyone’s feelings pretty nicely.

--Rachel

Chapter 15: Summon Away

He sees Lonan once the next morning. Sitting at the kitchen table over a cup of steeped tea—something floral and springy. Harrison watches him from the couch and can’t remember at what point he fell asleep last night. He’s not sure if he even did—if all he remembers is Eliza leaving, and then a blank wall.

Lonan is reading the newspaper. Every few minutes, he flips the page so new cheap colours and words blot against his fingertips. Harrison doesn’t move at first. It’s easier to watch him. How in the trickle of morning sun, his hair is a damp brown. How his eyes take to that glow, their translucent sparkle.

When Lonan has sipped four times from the mug, Harrison finally rises. No sign of Eliza sounds, and he’s grateful for it. This morning, he knows what he’s doing.

“What is that?” Harrison asks, pulling back a barstool with one hand, while pointing at the mug with another.

Lonan glances up, and the two mutually analyze each other. Lonan’s puckered skin, how morning makes his eyelashes papery, like wings. He wonders what Lonan sees in him—for a moment, it’s all he wants to know.

Lonan knuckles the mug over and Harrison picks it up like he’s holding an eyeball. The tea is hot, though Lonan hasn’t seemed to mind, and its flowery perfume burns Harrison’s throat. Lonan pulls the mug back to him when Harrison’s done, and takes another sip.

“I still have no idea,” Harrison says, and to his shame, studies Lonan’s face for a bite wound.

“Earl grey.”

“Sounds fancy.”

“It expired four years ago.”

Harrison gasps, and Lonan almost smiles. And for a moment, Harrison almost forgets where he is. What happened at this counter just a few hours prior. With Lonan, it almost disappears. They could be back at the cabin, needling through the woods on that first day they tried to get rid of the darkroom. They could be in the water, shielding, yet simultaneously pushing each other under. They could be dancing to no music in a tiny bathroom or driving for carless miles in the tarnish of rain. Harrison traces Lonan’s face, each line that etches his eyes, nose, mouth, hair, and he doesn’t stop.

“You’re up early,” Lonan says finally. “Did I wake you up?”

Harrison shakes his head. He clutches the edge of the counter and tries not to tremble. Lonan is pretending to read the paper. He tries to fill in a miniature sudoku game in his head, follow along to headlines, but Harrison knows he isn’t. Through the skin of the paper, Harrison watches him watching him. Harrison doesn’t know what he dreamt of last night. If it was a good dream. If he’d want to dream it again. If he dreamt at all.

“I found this article,” Lonan says, and turns the paper over. It’s not very long, just a small corner of the entire page, but Harrison sees the title, all bolded, Summer’s Dreaded Pesk: 10 Facts About Moths. He leans in closer to read it.

The facts are almost all useless to him—that moths like sweet things, that there are thousands of species, that many don’t eat, but what sticks out to him is the last: how they’re attracted to light. Harrison skims the text with his fingernail, reads something about light traps, and tries not to think of how unfortunate it all is—to move toward light and then stop moving altogether.

“What does it mean?” Harrison’s voice catches.

Lonan doesn’t say anything. They just watch each other, and then the article, alternating until they can almost do both at once.

Harrison looks away first. He inhales, and tries to steady himself, but when he knows he’s going to break, reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out the chain. He took it off last night and put it in there, and today, he unravels it carefully. He shoulders off his eyes, and in his palm, displays the angel. Its crystals beam in the sunlight that hits them both, and though it misses a jewel, has never looked more beautiful.

He almost says something but catches himself. He knows whatever he will say will keep him here, in this sun, on this barstool, reading the newspaper about moths, sitting next to Lonan, drinking his tea, never knowing what flavour it is. Harrison inhales, and on his exhale, unclasps the chain and drapes it around Lonan’s throat.

When the angel hits Lonan’s chest, a sound comes out of his mouth that Harrison thinks is almost animal. Harrison’s hand lingers on the back of Lonan’s neck when he clasps it, feeling the pulse of Lonan’s heartbeat, even from all the way up here.

Lonan clutches the angel when Harrison pulls back, and he doesn’t let go, even when Harrison rises.

“I’m going to grab a pack of cigarettes,” Harrison says, speaking to the ray of sun next to Lonan’s face. “Is there a gas station around here?”

“Just up the road.”

“Do you want anything?”

“I don’t think so.”

Harrison nods. Then he steps back, away from the kitchen, and slips his shoes on, one by one, more carefully than he’s ever done before. He knows Lonan looks at him. He knows what’ll be in his eyes if he looks up—and so he doesn’t. Harrison checks his jacket pocket for his car keys, and when they jangle, he turns toward the door.

“How long?”

Lonan’s voice makes him jump.

“Pardon?”

“How long will you be gone?”

Harrison frowns. “I’m just grabbing a pack of cigarettes.”

Lonan is the one to nod this time. He’s such a pretty sun baby, golden and capable.

“Before you go,” Lonan says, and closes the newspaper so it sits as a square on the counter. He doesn’t continue. All he does is gesture Harrison forward, his fingers weak as they curl twice—a beckoning.

Harrison takes a step forward. And then another. He doesn’t move closer than that. His head pounds; his heart bleeds too much. Lonan meets him in a place he won’t go, stepping out of his seat so they both stand in a patch of light that makes the dishware in the glass cabinet sparkle. Harrison says nothing when Lonan puts a hand on his cheek. Pushes a strand of his hair behind his ear, connects the dots of his freckles in a quick sweep because he’s done this before and knows exactly where they are. Harrison says nothing when Lonan kisses him. How his lips taste like the tea—a flavour he’s already forgotten, but that he knows. He doesn’t move. He just lets him touch, and touch, until he’s finished, until the lack of his mouth on Harrison’s finally feels like he needs it back immediately.

“A pack of gum, maybe,” Lonan says, and wrings his lip between his finger.

“A pack of gum.”

Harrison steps back. The sun is getting brighter now—it lights the kitchen like the lace on a doily, a warm glimmer like being underwater at dawn. He leaves the apartment without his angel, and keeps going, even when he wants to turn back.

***

Harrison buys the pack of cigarettes. And then the gum. And then he finds his mother.

She isn’t hard to locate. A quick question at the checkout counter, and he finds out the apartment complex near the public garden is only a fifteen-minute drive away.

It’s just as he pictures it. A white building, with a white lobby, the bricks white, the carpets white, the tables white. In little places, there are bits of gold—lining the keyboard the security guard types at, on the edges of every window so it’s only visible when the sun flashes.

In his hand, he holds a bouquet of roses from the convenience store. They’re cold and wet, and dampen his palms, but he clutches onto them in the elevator. When he gets off, he navigates through the hallway until he reaches her door—217.

He hesitates before knocking. Something in his heart is missing, and he knows exactly who, but he knocks anyway, two quick taps that he’s surprised she hears.

When his mother answers the door, she’s still wearing her pajamas. And they aren’t the pajamas he’d expect her to wear—no silks, laces, tank tops, fuzzy slippers. Instead, she’s in a too-big trucker t-shirt and a pair of wearing sweatpants. He doesn’t know why this comforts him. Or why this makes him cry when he hands her the roses.

He is swept into her apartment in a cloud of tears and he lets them fall as he collapses on his mother’s welcome mat. She smells like coffee, and clementines, and he clings to her when she holds him, when she pats his hair, his cheeks, his neck, the clamminess of her what he feeds on.

“It’s not going to last forever,” she says as she pats him again, on the floor with him now, crying with him now. And he repeats this: it’s not going to last forever, it’s not going to last forever, and he doesn’t know if this is supposed to be a good thing.

***

His mother has a balcony too. At it, they sit together, mostly silent, though Suzanna comments on the madeleines she unboxed for them to try ever so often, as if their flavour changes, though it never does. He can’t remember what he explained—it feels like so long ago that he arrived, even though it’s been less than an hour. He doesn’t know what he knows, if Lonan knows his trip to the gas station is going to be prolonged. His words were a woven mess when he spoke to his mother, of their messy love, of the unknown tea, of the moths, of so much more with that kiss.

Now, his mother massages his hand absently while paging through a book. He doesn’t know what book. It could say encyclopedia or academia, or amnesia—he can’t read it. She peeks at him too often, but he revels in it, the worry there, a care he doesn’t know how to handle, as if it’s fragile and wrapped in moth wings. Ahead, the city crumbles, and he can’t stop the pictures he sees in the clouds.

His mother reads. Harrison watches. A father and son down below, who take turns walking their golden retriever. A food stand vendor that hands a stack of checked tissues to a mother wrangling four small children. A couple who take photos in front of a cherub fountain, how he can almost hear the mechanical click of their camera from fifty feet up. Something stirs inside of him, at the thought of Lonan back in that golden apartment, and he only realizes what it is much later, when his mother is heating up something spiced and leftover in the microwave. The feeling like being buried alive and wanting to do it again just so someone can pull you out. A loneliness he sucks on until his mouth sores.

#asks #mothwork #fostered #feedinghabits #writing

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hookedontaronfics · 5 years

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First Contact series - Part 10

Title: First Contact - Part 10 Read the previous installments here: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 Rating: M Pairing: Taron x OC Warnings: Mild smut and mentions of violence [trigger warning] A/N: The aftermath of Kevin’s attack takes Jess to some dark places. Will Taron’s eternal devotion to her be able see her through? This was a tough chapter to write and read; it’s not happy but I tried to keep it realistic. So stick with me through the angst, better times are ahead, I promise! x

A white tile ceiling. Stark white walls.

That was the first thing I saw when my eyes fluttered open. I had no concept of time; how long I had been out, or even where I was at the moment. I waited for the pain to hit my consciousness, but it never came. In its place was just an absence, a hollowness of feeling.

I could hear the steady sound of an IV machine in the background, and also a gentle rhythmic snoring. I spied Taron crashed out on the couch by the window, and even if I couldn’t see the sky, I could tell it was dark outside, the lights in my room dim.

Taron must have only been lightly dozing, because he stirred awake as soon as I tried to readjust myself on the bed, and moved over to the chair at my bedside. He took my hand in his and asked softly how I was feeling, the relief to see me awake evident across his features.

“Not much of anything at the moment, to be honest,” I said, trying to read the labels on my IV bags but my vision started swimming again and I had to look away. “I probably have a lot of painkillers right now,” I shrugged. Taron gave me a sympathetic look. “How long have I been out? Did they tell you what happened to me?” I asked, needing information more than anything. I felt like if I had answers, than maybe I could begin to accept what had happened.

“I think maybe the doctor should explain all that, he could do it far better than me,” he said quietly, squeezing my hand.

“T, I need to know what happened to me, please,” I pleaded with him, hating the pained expression that crossed his face and furrowed his brow.

“They had to take you into surgery when you got here,” he said heavily. “They had to rebuild your face, your eye socket and cheekbone were shattered…” he said, choking up and struggling to get the words out as I reached up to touch the heavy gauze taped over the left side of my face. I winced, though I couldn’t really feel any pain from it.

“Adding more scars to the collection, I guess,” I whispered softly.

Taron continued talking in a low, shaking voice, stroking the back of my hand with his thumb, his eyes trained on the bed. “The doctors told me you’ll probably be in here for a while to recover. They want to keep an eye on how everything is healing. You also sustained a couple of fractured ribs, and probably have a moderate concussion, and they don’t want to send you home too soon in case that worsens before it gets better. But you will get better, you have to,” he said, his eyes swimming a bit with tears.

“Hey, it’s going to be okay, Taron. I will get better, you’ll see. I’m determined,” I said, squeezing his hand before a wave of dizziness washed through me, even though I hadn’t even moved. My vision was still going in and out of focus and I closed my eyes for a moment to try and keep from needing to get sick.

“What about Kevin? Did you talk to the police? Were they here? Do they know? Does anyone know?” I asked, peppering Taron with questions he couldn’t possibly answer. “Will he be able to hurt me again?”

“Babe, I don’t know anything right now. But you’re safe here, and I’m not going anywhere. And the woman who helped you, who called me, she took pictures at the scene. They’re on your phone,” he said, his voice cracking again and he had to pause to keep his composure. “She thought they would be important as evidence to whatever charges get pressed. Because we don’t fuck around here in the UK when it comes to assault. But I also don’t know what’s going to happen because he’s a U.S. citizen. He may be extradited and face charges there instead. I just don’t know yet, but he’s in custody and will remain that way until he’s booked or sent away.”

“I used to think that moving here to London would protect me. It didn’t,” I said painfully.

“He can’t hurt you any more, I promise.” Something about the way he said that made me absolutely lose it.

“I’m not sure anyone can promise me that, Taron,” I fairly sobbed. Whether he could understand my words, I’m not sure because I was crying so hard they weren’t coherent. Watching me cry uncontrollably must have torn him apart though, because at one point he clambered into my bed, careful of the IV and all the other tubes and lines trailing from me, and pulled me into his arms, not even caring that I was probably leaving trails of tears and snot and slobber all over his shirt. I know I was shaking, afraid and traumatized by everything. Taron stroked my hair sweetly, careful with me even as he held me tightly to him, wanting his presence to be calming and comforting.

I don’t remember calming down, and I don’t remember slipping off to sleep, but I must have because I woke up later when a nurse was trying to quietly take my vitals, my face still pressed into Taron’s chest. He was out cold, lashes resting against his cheeks, his arms still sweetly around me. I knew I should have felt something, protected, safe, in love, but all I could feel was afraid. Not of Taron, necessarily, but that somehow the happiness I had found in him couldn’t last. Maybe, somehow, I wasn’t meant to deserve what he had tried to offer me.

I hated how dark these thoughts were but couldn’t keep them from pressing me flat. What if Taron had been with me when Kevin confronted me? What if he’d been hurt, because of me? That would have made things far worse. I wouldn’t have been able to handle that kind of guilt. I saw my phone sitting on the table beside me, so I carefully reached over and managed to grab it. I shouldn’t have looked, but my curiosity got the better of me as I scrolled through the pictures of myself laying on the ground, cringing at my broken face. Suddenly I was worried the doctors wouldn’t have been able to put it all back together again; would Taron still love me if I never looked the same again, if these scars made me ugly? That thought made me cry all over again, though I tried desperately hard to choke back the sobs and stay silent, not wanting to wake Taron.

The next couple of weeks in the hospital passed much the same way, and Taron really didn’t leave my side except to go home to shower and grab clean clothes. He kept Jules and Mary and even my family back in America updated, and my roommates visited me as often as they could, managing to make me laugh despite my dark moods. Taron also helped me navigate the paperwork for medical leave with work, which felt endless and confusing partly because my concussion didn’t allow me to make sense of it all, but even my boss visited and made sure I knew I had nothing to worry about, to take the time I needed to recover and that my position would be secure.

Talking to the police and trying to recall details of that day was a difficult process. I remembered most of what had happened just before the assault, but I had very little recollection of the after. And I couldn’t get over why I had trusted Kevin enough to step into that alley with him. Maybe I’d been stupidly hopeful he really had changed, though I still couldn’t figure out how he had found me, and he wasn’t talking to police about that fact either. The couple who had helped me, Darren and Lucy, visited me too, and they were the kindest people, and were incredibly helpful to police as well. Kevin was going to be sent back to the U.S. and his passport revoked, and he’d be banned from ever leaving the country again, so as long as I never went back to America there’d be no way he could get to me again. But I still didn��t feel safe and had no idea how to ever get back to that place where I would.

The bandages came off and I was surprised that it really didn’t look so bad. There were only two incisions and the plastic surgeon had used glue and tape, not actual stitches, to minimize scarring as much as possible. My skin was still red and angry but otherwise I couldn’t see much difference in how my face looked at all. They’d done a good job rebuilding the structure although now my eye socket was more metal than bone.

They kept me on strong pain meds and I had random blindingly awful headaches that made me cry because it was all I could do. My vision stayed slightly fuzzy and I half-worried this would be permanent, but the doctor emphasized that I just needed more time to heal, that the effects of my concussion could take months to fade. The depression that set in, though, that was probably the hardest thing to deal with. I went through a couple of brain scans and a psychological evaluation and was told I had post-traumatic stress disorder but somehow that still didn’t set in my mind that my hopeless feelings weren’t all my fault.

Taron truly was a saint through all of this, remaining strong and stable and supportive, and doing his best to keep me entertained when I wasn’t sleeping, which I admittedly did a lot of. And when it was finally time to be released from the hospital, Taron was adamant that he wanted me to come home with him, and I didn’t have enough strength of mind to argue.

So three weeks later, I was snuggled in amongst the sheets of Taron’s bed, spending most of my time there because I just didn’t have the energy to do anything else. I was sad and worried and afraid most of the time, hovering just above completely bottomed out. I think Taron probably kept me afloat in the worst of it, making sure I ate and showered and took my medicine. Not every day was bad, to be fair. Some days I helped him cook in the kitchen, and the depression couldn’t take away how much I loved to hear him laugh, or we took a walk around his neighborhood, hand-in-hand, and I could pretend I wasn’t this way, or we just stayed in and watched Netflix all day on the couch, being lazy together. But other days the darkness crept in around the edges, and I questioned in my mind why he stayed with me.

I was unfortunately wallowing in the middle of one of these pits when Taron breezed into the room. “I figured it out, babe,” he said, settling on the bed and placing his hand on my knee.

“Figured out what?” I asked, trying to wake up from the stupor I had been in, staring at the ceiling and not even sure what I was thinking.

“I got to thinking how you said you deleted all of your old social media accounts after what happened with Kevin. And all of your new accounts are totally private. But that got me thinking and I realized that I’m to blame for him finding you.”

“What? You’re not making any bloody sense, T,” I said, rubbing my temple and trying to make an oncoming headache go away.

“My Instagram. It’s completely public and the photos we posted while on vacation together… You know, everyone shares those photos on Twitter and Tumblr and Facebook and wherever else and he must have somehow come across it at some point and recognized you and put 2 and 2 together. You dating a London bloke, he must have figured it out and come here just hoping to run into you. It’s really my fault, I should have thought that through.” His green eyes had darkened as he looked troubled over having somehow endangered me.

“Hey. It’s not your fault I have a crazy ass ex. I don’t regret you posting those photos,” I said softly. “It’s also not your fault that the American law system doesn’t better protect its victims of domestic violence. You’re not in control of that. Don’t carry that burden for me, okay?” I said, smiling slightly at him.

“I’d carry anything for you, love,” he said, leaning over and kissing me gently on the forehead.

“I know you would, T. I know,” I said, trailing off and pulling the blankets up around myself again, worn out by our conversation already. I just don’t know why, I thought.

“I love you, and I’ll see you through all of this, yeah?” he added softly, earnestly.

I nodded, because I wasn’t sure what else to do. Trying to cross over this chasm of darkness, fear and pain had gotten even more difficult to do. I was on one side, and Taron and all of his patience and kindness and love were on the other, and try as he might to reach across it to me, I didn’t have the courage to jump.

“I’ll get us dinner started, you just rest now,” he spoke, leaving me to my apparent misery. He doesn’t deserve this, whatever it is I am now, I thought angrily as I watched him leave the room, seeming a bit deflated at my lack of an actual answer.

I wish I could say the following weeks got better, but somehow they got worse. The first panic attack I had was when Taron and I were downtown, having braved being out in public. We had passed by an alley and somehow that set me off. It took me by surprise and I only was aware it had happened once I had come back out of it. I was on my hands and knees on the concrete, breathless and crying, and Taron was crouched down next to me trying to talk me down. Other people surrounded us, so it must have been embarrassingly obvious that I was losing my shit, and someone had even called an ambulance but the medics weren’t needed by the time they arrived.

More brain scans ensued and I was given more medicines to try and signed up for more counseling to help, but the panic attacks continued because my ptsd was becoming more entrenched in my brain. I was starting to see the image of Kevin everywhere I went, lurking about and waiting to catch me by surprise. Things became so concerning that Taron canceled a weekend event he was supposed to fly out to. He was extremely vague about what it was, just saying that me and my health were more important and he didn’t feel he could leave me by myself for that long. He hadn’t said that to make me feel guilty, of course, but I wished he had consulted me about it first. Especially after I logged into Twitter and saw angry tweet after sad tweet after shitty tweet about Taron canceling his comic con appearance and disappointing a boatload of fans. Because of me. This was not what I had wanted at all.

“Taron,” I said, walking out to the living room to find him crashed out on the couch with a beer and some movie or show on the telly, I couldn’t tell what.

“Mmm, yeah?” he asked, muting the telly before sitting up and looking at me over the edge of the couch.

“You shouldn’t have canceled your con appearance,” I said, as it dawned on him that I knew what he’d done. “All those fans are going to be pissed off and disappointed because of me.”

“I did my best to apologize profusely to the fans for that but you’re my priority right now. It wouldn’t be any different if it was my family having a medical issue.”

“I could have gone back to my flat. Jules and Mary would have looked after me, and frankly I could have handled a few days, I think,” I said in a huff, mostly upset that I’d become dependent on him.

“But you need me to help you. There’s no shame in that.”

“I don’t need you,” I bit back. I wished I could have taken those words back the instant they came out of my mouth. The look of hurt that crossed his face, after all he’d done for me already, was awful to witness. But I hadn’t meant it like that; I was frustrated at having to be doted on, and wanted to go back to the sort of independence and freedom I had had before Kevin had walked back into my life and erased years of work I’d done to overcome him.

“Do you really feel that way?” he asked softly, standing up and walking over to me, brushing my hair away from my face.

“I don’t understand anything right now. I’m confused, and depressed, and I’m struggling to understand why this happened to me again, T,” I admitted. “But I also don’t love the idea that your life has been affected by me.”

“My life is affected because I choose to be here for you, in whatever capacity you need me to be. That’s not a burden, Jess. You enrich my life by being in it, and who would I be if I fucked off when you went through something difficult and needed the support? This isn’t about you not being able to do things for yourself. I know you’re fully capable. But I also don’t think you should be alone right now either. And that’s my right to think that, and to ensure that you’re not. Because the last thing on earth I could handle right now is you feeling alone or abandoned. And as to why this happened, I can’t answer that. I wish I could, but it was so wrong, and bad things happen to people who don’t deserve them. And it breaks my heart that you had to go through this, but I also know how strong you are, and every day you prove that more and more. To even be in the orbit around you, it changes things for me.”

The intensity of Taron’s gaze as he spoke his raw, real feelings to me, about me, for me, I felt like I might combust under it. Just burn up on the spot.

“I don’t understand your devotion to me, Taron. I don’t deserve your goodness. I don’t know that I ever have.”

“Just please, don’t do that. I love you and I’m so tired of you trying to find every reason why I shouldn’t. Stop shutting me out, Jess. I can’t profess to know truly what you’re going through right now, but I can’t understand it at all if you don’t talk to me. I want your honesty, and your vulnerability, and your pain, all of it. I just want every beautiful inch of you.”

His words sent shivers over my skin, something I hadn’t been able to feel since the assault. I looked up at him, tried to really see him for more than just the handsome, patient and kind man he was. I tried to see the way he saw me, but it was so hard to do. Kevin had made me feel broken and discarded all over again.

“But what’s so beautiful about me, Taron?” I asked doubtfully.

“Come here,” he said, pulling me over to the couch and down into the seat cushions with him. “And let me show you,” he added, running his fingers gently over my arms.

“Taron,” I whined softly at that, as he gave me one of his small smiles. “Let’s start here,” he said, placing sweet kisses over my eyelids and making me giggle slightly.

“You have the most soulful eyes of anyone I’ve ever met. I can see the world in them because you care so deeply about everything around you.” Next he kissed the tip of my nose, telling me how adorable he thought it was. His kisses traveled to my cheeks, my forehead, my jaw, even my ears, as Taron described how much he loved each one.

Finally he captured my lips in a sweet kiss, something we had barely done since the assault. “And I love kissing your lips. I could do this all day,” he grinned, and even if mentally I was still messed up, my body remembered what it was like to be with him, and craved more of him, and I tried to give myself over to that feeling, leaning in and kissing him back as he leaned me back on the couch, tugging my shirt up and off in the process.

“I love your neck, when I kiss you in that spot that makes you moan,” he smirked, his kisses traveling along my smooth skin and yes, making me moan softly in response. He added my collar bones, my chest and my stomach to the list as he traveled lower and my breath caught in my throat at the feel of his gentle lips sliding over my skin. “Feeling beautiful yet?” he whispered, his hot breath raising goosebumps along my skin. “Or shall I keep going, love?” he smirked, unbuttoning my jeans and slowly sliding them down my legs.

“K-keep going,” I said with a shaky breath, unable to tear my gaze away from him, the way he hovered over me.

“Hmmm, my pleasure,” he hummed, dropping kisses on my thighs. “I love how strong they are, for carrying you through everything. And I especially love being between them,” he whispered with a wicked grin, my head dropping back as he wasted no time in peeling my underwear off and settling himself between my legs.

It’d been a long time since someone had dared to go down on me; Kevin certainly never had. I couldn’t tell you whether Taron was great at it or not, as I didn’t have enough experience to compare either way. But I was 100 percent lost to what he was doing to me there, his tongue and fingers exploring every inch of my folds and drawing out every bit of pleasure I could feel. My fingers gripped his hair, my moans guiding him to what felt good.

When I was close, oh so close, Taron stopped and smiled up at me through his lashes; I groaned at him in frustration for being left hanging, but he only crawled back up my body and kissed me, the taste of my own juices still on his mouth. He wrapped my legs around himself, and I got the hint as he picked me up and carried me back to the bedroom, setting me down on the bed gently before practically tearing his own clothes off, grabbing a condom, crawling over me and joining our bodies all in the same motion.

We both groaned our mutual feelings out loud, the delicious feeling as he thrust in and out of me driving me crazy. I was quite lost to how full and whole I felt in the moment as he peppered my face with kisses. Soon enough we were crashing hard together, Taron collapsing next to me, his face tucked in against my neck and arm thrown over my chest as we attempted to come back down to earth.

“I love you so much, babe,” he whispered. “You’re the absolute world to me,” he said, brushing my hair out of my face tenderly.

“I love you too,” I said back, feeling compelled to get the words out in that moment.

“Yeah?” Taron grinned happily, his dimples popping out as his eyes sparkled at me. I couldn’t deny him this happiness, I couldn’t.

So I repeated the words, even as they felt hollow in my chest. I should have felt something, shouldn’t I?

“You make me so ridiculously happy,” he said sweetly, even as he snuggled into me further, hugging my sweaty, spent body to his for a few moments. I knew what he felt was completely genuine and real. I just didn’t know what was wrong with me that I couldn’t return the same.

Eventually he got up to dispose of the condom and secure the house for the night, while I stayed crashed out in the bed. Once he’d returned and we bedded down to sleep, I laid awake for far too long vacillating between how I should feel and why I wasn’t feeling anything at all. The numbness had settled deep in my soul and I hated myself for it, as I watched Taron sleep soundly, the cutest smile on his face. His love didn’t belong to me, and I knew it.

I don’t remember exactly how long it took to slip off to sleep, but Taron was not in bed when I woke up the next morning. I rolled over and squinted at my phone, and realized it was well after 11 a.m. and Taron would be at an early-morning meeting he’d told me about. I sat up and rubbed at my eyes, looking around me for a long moment and sighing. I got up and showered quickly, grazed on some leftovers I heated up, and then set about packing my clothes. I had spent much of the past month of recovery slumming around in Taron’s pajama pants and sweatshirts, though Mary and Jules had brought some things over for me, clean unders and bras and the like.

I was lost in thought when I heard the front door open. “Darling?! You awake?” Taron called, and I couldn’t move while his footsteps moved about the house. He found me in the bedroom, of course, finally in my own jeans and a blouse, the bed neatly made and my bag resting at the edge of it.

“What’s this?” he asked, his expression immediately clouding over.

“I’m going back to the flat, T. This wasn’t supposed to be a permanent move, anyway. And I don’t want you as my nursemaid, I need you as my boyfriend,” I said quietly, trying to explain and hoping he just understood. “I’m really grateful for what you’ve done for me, but I just need to get back to my routine. I’m trying to process what happened with Kevin still, and I know that I still have this depression hanging over me, and the panic attacks are still happening, but I feel like I can deal with that if I just go back to work and get a sense of normalcy back.”

“I… guess that makes sense, of course,” he replied hesitantly, blinking a few times and trying to process what I was saying. “I think you could be happy here, though, too, with me,” he said sweetly, making my chest ache slightly.

“I just can’t do this right now, with you,” I said softly. “When I said I loved you last night, I couldn’t feel it at first. But it wasn’t because I lied. I do love you, far too much to hold you back with the person I am right now. I need to go back to my normal life and deal with all of this so that I can be worthy of being the person you love.”

“I… Jess,” he said, his voice cracking at that. “You already are the person I love, as you are now,” he replied a bit desperately.

“And you may think that, but I don’t feel it, and that’s never going to go away if I don’t address it now,” I said, watching his face just crumble. It wasn’t easy to fend off my own tears then.

“I wish I could change your mind. I’ve gotten rather used to having you here all the time,” he said, biting his thumb in thought.

“I have to go, T. If we want this to work in the future, I need to be okay with myself first.” I gave him a quick hug, that he oddly didn’t return, before grabbing my bag and walking toward the door. I almost thought he wasn’t going to try and say good-bye but he came running after me, skidding on the tile in his sock feet slightly.

“Wait! Wait, Jess,” he said, taking my free hand in his. “I’ve been waiting to give this to you but I think now’s the right time,” he said, proffering a small black box and making my heart flutter several times. Nestled inside the box was a simple rose-gold band, with a tiny diamond in the middle; it was simple, elegant and clean. “It’s a promise and a hope… My promise to you that I’ll wait for you no matter how long it takes, and my hope that no matter how far you wander, you’ll always find your way back to me. You don’t even have to wear it, I just wanted you to know where I stood,” he said, shoving the box in my hands. The fractured look in his eyes tore at the edges of my soul, but I also knew I was doing the right thing, for him and for me.

“Thank you, Taron,” I said, because there wasn’t anything else to say. “We’ll keep in touch. We’ll go on dates. I’m not giving up on us,” I promised back.

“No, but you’re pushing me away, and I don’t understand why,” he said in a bit of a pained voice.

“I have work to do on me, for me. No one has to understand that.” Taron could only nod at that point, kissing me on the forehead gently before letting me go. I carefully placed the ring in my bag and made sure it was secure before hoisting the bag onto my shoulder and grabbing my purse.

“I can drive you back over to the flat, if you want,” he offered idly.

“I’ve got this, Taron. I know how to take the tube,” I couldn’t help but giggle slightly. His worry over me was sweet, but I needed to be able to rely on myself too. I felt this wild, desperate need to prove to myself that I could.

“I’ll see you later, I suppose,” I said, giving Taron a small smile that he couldn’t bring himself to return. Things could be different, would be better for the both of us, and I could only hope his faith in me wouldn’t be fleeting. I felt both crushed and liberated as I left, confused by both emotions as I peered over my shoulder to see Taron standing in his doorway, watching sadly after me.

Will Jess be able to repair the damage to her soul, and her relationship? Find out in Part 11 HERE!

#taron imagine #taron egerton #taron x reader #taron smut #taron egerton fanfiction

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perlukafarinn · 5 years

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Movies (I saw) of the 2010s, ranked

Because I had lots of better things to do but no inclination to do them.

As I went through all the new releases I watched this decade, a few things came to mind:

I missed so much! Most recently, I still haven’t seen Parasite, The Lighthouse or The Irishman. I’ve also seen only one of Disney’s live action remakes, two out of four Star Wars films of the decade, and I’ve missed quite a few of Marvel and DC’s outings. My tendency to mostly watch older films came to bite me in the ass here. But c’est la vie, there’s only so many hours in the day!

A huge part of my viewing history took place during film festivals, so festival movies are way over-represented here. I’m not mad about it.

There’s not too many outright bad movies on my list, because I tend to avoid movies that look bad or like I might not like them (shocker, I know). Even the ones in my bottom ten aren’t as dreadful as I was expecting.

There’s no way I can rank all these films numerically! What about movies that I can tell are good but just aren’t for me? What about movies that are bad but enjoyable? How can you compare tired Oscar-bait with soulless blockbusters? It’s impossible!

Hence these categories. I’m doing a top 10 worst and best, and the categories go roughly from worse to better movies, but otherwise this isn’t based on quality so much as what clever category names I could come up with (or couldn’t, as the case may be). I’m also listing the movies within each category alphabetically because that’s even less ranking I need to do.

Buckle up, this is over 6000 words...

Oh, and if you don’t feel like reading the whole thing I still encourage you to reply with your own favorite movies of the decade!

The Worst Exactly what it says on the tin. These movies aren’t just unenjoyable or disposable, they are actively unpleasant to watch.

American Hustle (2013) Wait, this got how many Oscar nominations again??

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug (2013) This movie is so bloated and yet they couldn’t find any time to actually develop most of the main characters? I had such a bad time watching this one, I ended up skipping out on the last part of the trilogy.

Hurricane Bianca (2016) This looked like it might be enjoyably bad but it wasn’t. I still love Bianca Del Rio, don’t get me wrong, but her humor is not the kind you build a whole movie around, yet alone two. And yet…

Hurricane Bianca: From Russia With Hate (2018) Yeah, I watched them both. I’m a simple woman: I see Katya in a trailer, I watch. I really shouldn’t have bothered, this one is even worse.

Iron Man 2 (2010) Superhero fatigue got me bad in the past few years but even before then I hated this movie. Literally nothing enjoyable here, I was aggressively bored while watching. The Lack (2014) This is a movie about women, written and directed by a man, called “The Lack”. You might think I’m being uncharitable to say this movie is entirely about penis envy but the writer/director himself confirmed this at the Q&A I was at. This is why Q&As are always a bad idea, people!

Left Behind (2014) This one tips into “enjoyably bad” at times but in the end, it’s still two hours of your life wasted on a movie meant to make its Evangelical viewers feel vindicated in their horrible beliefs. Morgenrøde (2014) I have a fairly high tolerance for slow movies but this movie is sloooowwww and literally nothing happens in it. This is the movie that taught me not to trust it when festival brochures use the word “contemplative”.

Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief (2010) Just dreadful. This is the worst kind of film in my books: the kind made to follow a trend, not to tell a story.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011) It’s been eight years since the fourth PotC movie came out?? God, it’s been a long decade.

The Utterly Disposable I didn’t exactly have a bad time watching these but they left no impression on me.

Alex Strangelove (2018) Netflix has released so many unremarkable-looking teen movies this decade. This is one of the few I bothered to watch and it’s cute enough, I guess.

Fyrir framan annað fólk (2016) I am Icelandic but I don’t watch a whole lot of Icelandic movies and I feel kind of guilty about that. Not guilty enough to give a boring movie a pass, though.

Ghostbusters (2016) This super did not need to exist and not even my love for Kate McKinnon makes it any less disposable.

The Great Gatsby (2013) At least it’s pretty.

Hot Tub Time Machine (2010) I remember this getting a few laughs out of me but that’s about it.

The Imitation Game (2014) I think I just… don’t like Beneditch Cumberbatch? Sorry. This movie is the perfect expression of the bland, middle-of-the-road biopic, with the added mishandling of the subject’s sexuality.

Isn’t It Romantic (2019) I love a good satire but this ain’t it, chief. This movie isn’t doing anything that Crazy Ex-Girlfriend hasn’t done 100x better.

John Carter (2012) If you’re gonna throw this much money into something, you could at least hire a charismatic lead actor. Then again, it seemed to work for Avatar. Magic Mike (2012) I did like that this sexy stripper movie kept showing how unhappy the main character is doing what he does as if that wouldn’t totally ruin the fantasy.

Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates (2016) Watched this on an airplane, which is fitting. This feels like a quintessential airplane movie; it’s mildly entertaining but ultimately disposable enough that it has completely slipped your mind by the time you reach baggage claim.

Paul (2011) Occasionally funny, I think? Barely remember it tbh.

Planetary (2015) There’s some interesting points buried in here but the movie’s too busy trying to look important to actually get them across effectively. Also feels surprisingly padded for just 80 minutes. Valentine’s Day (2010) Taylor Swift was actually kind of funny in this, which was a pleasant surprise. Zero impact otherwise.

“I Have No Memory of This Place” Movies I literally could not remember watching until I had read the entire synopsis, but for one reason or another was not comfortable calling “disposable”.

Bobby Sands: 66 Days (2015), The Departure (2017), Hell Is Empty: All the Devils Are Here (2016), Innsæi (2016), Last of the Elephant Men (2015), Late Summer (2016), Speed Sisters (2015), Una (2016), The War Show (2016) Lumping all of these together because they’re all festival movies I have hardly any memory of and that I may have in fact fallen asleep over.

Incendies (2010) Chalk this up to me seeing it almost a decade ago. When I finally remembered it, I could vaguely recall finding it affective. Probably due for a rewatch.

Prisoners (2013), Rush (2013), Warrior (2011) Around 2012-2014 I was working my way through IMdB’s top 250 list and I saw so many forgettable movies about men committing various violent acts. Literally can’t remember a single thing about these movies.

I’m So Sick of Superheroes Dear God Make It Stop I’d probably like some of these more if not for superhero fatigue but that is the trade-off for total global dominance. A couple of superhero movies did escape this category and you’ll see them later on my list.

Thor (2011), Iron Man Three (2013), Thor: The Dark World (2013), Captain America: Winter Soldier (2014), Guardians of the Galaxy (2014), Ant-Man (2015), Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015), Captain America: Civil War (2016), Avengers: Infinity War (2018) Lumping all of Marvel’s movies in this category together because I don’t really have a lot to say about Marvel anymore. Special mention to Winter Soldier for being the movie that soured on me the most and to Age of Ultron for in hindsight being the beginning of my superhero fatigue.

The Dark Knight Rises (2012) Boy, this trilogy ended on a sour note. Man of Steel (2013) Confused story structure aside, this movie is utterly grey and joyless. It’s also army propaganda!

X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014) The only reason I watched this was because it was on IMdB’s top 250 list. Peter Dinklage was good in it, if I recall correctly.

Don’t Like This Nope.

12 Years a Slave (2013) Very uncomfortable to sit through, which I get was the point, but I’m not sure it was the right choice. It honestly feels like misery porn.

Black Swan (2010) I’ve long made peace with the fact that Darren Aronofsky will just never click with me.

The Broken Circle Breakdown (2012) This movie is exhausting to watch because of the near constant country music playing. Loudly.

Kate Plays Christine (2016) This is a movie about a really interesting topic but instead of the real tragedy that actually happened it chooses to focus on an actress’s fictional struggle to connect with her role. I think the movie wanted us to think the struggle was real (heh) but for that they would’ve needed a better actress. La La Land (2016) I love classic musicals and I really wanted to like this movie but in the end I just couldn’t. As a movie it’s okay but it’s not a good musical and the whole white savior of jazz thing was……….. an odd choice.

Last Days in the Desert (2015) I’m a sucker for good, thoughtful religious films. The idea of Jesus and the devil being played by the same actor was intriguing to me and I liked that the devil wasn’t evil so much as just tired. But ultimately, this movie felt a little too cold for me.

Magic Mike: XXL (2015) I have no idea why every critic on the planet seems to love this movie. Strippers aggressively thrusting their crotch in your face is not sexy, it’s uncomfortable!

A Silent Voice (2016) Melodramatic and not in the fun, over-the-top way.

Vonarstræti (2014) It’s good but it’s just not for me.

Wir Monster (2015) I saw this at a Q&A screening and decided I didn’t wanna stick around after the credits rolled. On my way out, I tripped and almost fell onto the actors as they were walking past me. That experience had a way bigger impact on me than the movie itself. Make of that what you will.

Guilty Pleasures/So Bad They’re Good An enjoyably bad movie is a better watch than a middlingly competent one.

#REALITYHIGH (2017) Incredibly clichéd and tries way too hard to be “hip” or “lit” or whatever it is the kids were saying back in 2017. Don’t care, I’ve seen it four times.

Bridget Jones’s Baby (2016) The first Bridget Jones is a highlight of the genre. The second one is just bad but the third tips over into enjoyably bad. I also loved having Renée Zellweger back on my screen!

A Cinderella Story: Christmas Wish (2019) Recently watched this with my sister while baking and wrapping Christmas presents. It’s a terrible movie but we had fun (mostly by making fun of it).

Descendants (2015), Descendants 2 (2017), Descendants 3 (2019) I’m not apologizing for this even though I feel like I kind of should.

The Kissing Booth (2018) This movie is like a 13-year-old’s first fanfic come to life so of course I’m gonna love it. Even if the love interest is incredibly unappealing.

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1 (2011), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 (2012) Who would’ve thought at the start of the decade that Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson would turn into indie darlings starring in one critically acclaimed film after the next? I love that for them.

Oscar Bait but I’m Not Biting Not sure the Oscars weren’t a mistake tbh.

The Artist (2011) I kind of enjoyed this but ultimately it’s watered-down Hollywood history made appealing to modern audiences and its aim is far higher than its reach.

Birdman (2014) It was a fun watch but it left no impression.

Darkest Hour (2017) Technically a good movie but such obvious Oscar bait I just couldn’t fully enjoy it.

The Help (2011) Let’s leave the white savior narrative behind in the 2010s, shall we?

The King’s Speech (2010) I love Colin Firth. I barely remember this movie.

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri (2017) Don’t love that the racist cop is the most fully fleshed-out character in this movie while the black characters are all unnamed extras.

Whiplash (2014) It’s just drumming, J.K. Simmons, it’s not that serious.

I Feel Like I Should Like This More This category is mostly three camps, as you’ll see.

120 battements par minute (2017), 69 Minutes of 86 Days (2017), Fire at Sea (2016), I, Daniel Blake (2016) All important movies with a worthy message that I just couldn’t connect with on a personal level.

Adieu au langage (2014), Before We Vanish (2017), Bridesmaids (2011), Jagten (2012), A Separation (2011), Timbuktu (2014), Transit (2018), Winter’s Bone (2010) Critically acclaimed, maybe it’s just me?

Her (2013) The rest is all movies I expected to like more than I did. I’m not sure what didn’t click with this one. It’s been a while since I saw it.

Get Out (2017) I wasn’t gonna watch it because I don’t really watch horror so when I finally caved, I knew pretty much everything about it. Watching a movie the first time knowing everything that happens in it and after seeing it dissected for months on end by every critic on the planet does take a lot of the enjoyment away, as it turns out.

Gone Girl (2014) Really thought I’d love it. It’s good just didn’t click with me.

The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014) It’s pretty. Liam Neeson is always fun.

Pacific Rim (2013) Mako is great and I enjoy the chemistry between her and Raleigh but ultimately this one just kind of slipped out of my mind as soon as I’d seen it.

Toni Erdmann (2016) It’s too damn long!

The Tree of Life (2011) I just watched this the other day so it’s very possible my opinion will change. I was expecting to love it but I… didn’t. It felt like this movie was trying too hard to be profound and important, at the cost of actually saying something, well, profound and important.

No Strong Feelings One Way or the Other I actually have nothing to say about any of these movies and most of them are good but they had to go somewhere.

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel (2011), Boyhood (2014), Brave (2012), Creed (2015), Django Unchained (2012), Exit Through the Gift Shop (2010), Flavours of Youth (2018), Frozen (2013), The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (2012), Interstellar (2014), Intouchable (2011), The Jungle Book (2016), Monsters University (2013), Rogue One (2016), Schaste moe (2010), Shutter Island (2010), Three Identical Strangers (2018), To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before (2018), Undir trénu (2017), Wreck-It Ralph (2012)

Middling Festival Fare I have nothing to say about these either but I couldn’t lump them in with the others. I mostly liked them more than the movies in the previous category and they took bigger risks. Some of them might even be great, just very much not my cup of tea.

3 Tage in Quiberon (2018), Acid Forest (2018), Amateurs in Space (2016), Barakah Meets Barakah (2015), Der Andständige (2014), Disappearance (2017), Dreams by the Sea (2017), En fremmed flytter ind (2017), Føniks (2018), The Girl Down Loch Aenzi (2016), God Exists, Her Name is Petrunija (2019), Gods of Molenbeek (2019), Jag är Ingrid (2015), Já, Olga Hepnarová (2016), Looking for Oum Kulthum (2017), Mister Universo (2016), Neruda (2016), The Raven and the Seagull (2018), Rester vertical (2016), Slow West (2015), Sugar Coated (2015), Summer Survivors (2018), Tickled (2016), Worldly Girl (2016)

Maybe Not the Best But a Lot of Fun Better than those guilty pleasures but generally pretty flawed. Austenland (2013) A very cute little romcom. Extra points for Jennifer Coolidge, the most underrated character actress of this century.

Baby Driver (2017) I feel like revisiting this one might not be as enjoyable for reasons that have nothing to do with the film’s quality but I had fun watching it in the theater.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (2010) I was a fan of this franchise from the start so even though this movie is kind of dour and dark, it was still a blast to watch. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 (2011) Do I love every choice this movie made? No. But I saw this at a midnight screening, in full cosplay with my friends, in a theater packed with fans. It was a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

I, Tonya (2017) For a movie that contains so much abuse and such a bummer ending, it’s surprisingly entertaining!

The LEGO Batman Movie (2017) Lego Batman is my favorite Batman.

Nothing Like a Dame (2018) I just really love Maggie Smith.

On - drakon (2015) This movie feels like it was pitched as “Twilight but with dragons!”. It’s fun, though, and it’s got an interesting aesthetic and a proactive heroine who gets herself out of trouble with ingenuity and bravery.

Sing Street (2016) I love the soundtrack to this movie and the characters are incredibly endearing. The story is very simple in not a great way but it doesn’t need to be deep to be enjoyable.

Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017) I like that they skip the origin story for once and keep the scope of it fairly limited. A very nice little slice-of-life teen movie combined with a superhero flick. Tom Holland is a good Spider-Man. Would’ve been better without Iron Man tbh. Star Trek Beyond (2016) I feel like they got the characters right here, which was a problem for the first Star Trek of the rebooted trilogy. It’s a fairly inconsequential movie but it’s a blast.

Star Wars: Episode VII - The Force Awakens (2015) I’m not the biggest Star Wars fan so I don’t have a lot of opinions here. It’s fun! Not a lot more I want from Star Wars. Ultimately didn’t intrigue me enough to wanna see the rest of the trilogy.

Ten no Chasuke (2015) This movie is a little weird, a little goofy and a lot of fun. I like the guy who just constantly lives through different movie plots because the angel writing his life can’t think of anything original, that tickled me.

Good Movies I Don’t Have a Clever Title Here They’re good movies, Brent.

Barbara Rubin and the Exploding NY Underground (2018) An enjoyable, well-made documentary but considering its subject matter disappointingly conventional.

Black Panther (2018) This movie could have been much better had it not been under the constraints of the MCU. Still one of the best offerings of the genre this decade.

Boy Meets Girl (2014) We need more movies like this. Not just for representation (although that is important) but also because cinema needs a greater variety of stories than are currently being told.

Brooklyn (2015) The scope of this movie is very small but the characterization is nuanced and every aspect of the film goes towards furthering that.

Bugs (2016) The focus of this movie is split between its very interesting subject matter (the use of bugs as food around the world) and the chefs we’re following around who kind of seem like dicks and honestly drag the movie down a lot.

Captain America: The First Avenger (2011) Steve Rogers is one of my favorite MCU characters, purely on the strength of this movie. In a world where no one seems to know how to adapt Superman to film, it’s nice they got this one right.

Cloud Atlas (2012) This movie has such lofty ambitions and I admire it for that, even if the execution is off at times. But the use of yellowface is..... bad. It’s very bad and the directors should have known better.

Cold War (2018) I love the music in this, which is good because it is near constant.

Damsel (2018) I love a deconstructed western and I love Robert Pattinson. It’s a shame that the female character at the center of the story wasn’t better developed, considering how much screen time she got.

Damsels in Distress (2011) This movie is quirky and cutesie, which isn’t everyone’s cup of tea (and usually isn’t mine) but I love it. Some solid acting goes a long way.

Der kommer en dag (2016) This movie is two hours of children suffering yet it comes across as so optimistic? I think it’s the space race stuff. Who doesn’t love the space race?

Frantz (2016) I am always down for stories that reckon with the effects of WWI.

Future Baby (2016) There’s a scene in this movie where a surrogate mother gives birth and it is both very graphic and heart-wrenching. If the rest of the movie were more like that one scene, it’d be on my shortlist for the best of the decade.

Fyre (2019) How was Fyre Festival a real thing that happened?

Girls Don’t Fly (2016) Girls don’t fly because the man training them to be pilots is a dick and treats them horribly. It’s a bummer but important to uncover.

Hidden Figures (2016) Kevin Costner’s character needed to be written out - black stories that don’t involve “good” white people are both possible and necessary. But I adore all three main actresses and they do some amazing work.

Hjartasteinn (2016) The subject matter is cliché but it’s handled beautifully.

The Lego Movie (2014) Everything is awesome! Everything is cool when you’re part of a team!

Journey to the Shore (2015) I honestly wasn’t sure how to feel for most of the run time of this movie but by the end it got me.

On Body and Soul (2017) This movie feels like a dream and I mean that in a good way.

The Salvation (2014) Have I mentioned that I love deconstructed westerns? Mads Mikkelsen is always on point, even with garbage material, but he’s got some good stuff to work with here.

Searching for Ingmar Bergman (2018) This movie made me more interested in its director, Margarethe von Trotta, than Bergman himself. Everyone should check out The Lost Honour of Katharina Blum!

The Shape of Water (2017) This movie is very much like a fairy-tale, which means it’s not particularly nuanced or complicated, but it is beautiful.

Still the Water (2014) This movie starts with a cow being graphically slaughtered and yet the only word I can think of to describe it is “gentle”. But maybe skip the first five minutes if you’re sensitive to blood or animal death.

Studio 54 (2018) How were the 70s even real?

Sumarbörn (2017) It’s a rare feat to get such good acting out of child actors.

Thor: Ragnarök (2017) The best MCU movie. It’s a lot of fun without once losing its heart, which is a rare thing for Marvel (just google the words “bathos” and “mcu”, other people have covered this already).

Warm Bodies (2013) The cutest rom-com of the decade features a zombie as its main lead. I’m not mad about it.

Wild Tales (2014) The dissonance between the realist shooting style and the cartoonish violence often results in some excellent dark humor. The rest of the time, it just feels kind of off.

The Wolf of Wall Street (2013) Jordan Belfast is both a lot of fun and utterly despicable and the movie is not afraid to go as balls to the walls as it needs to.

The Young Karl Marx (2017) So like... Marx and Engel were into each other? At least a little, right?

Great Movies Also No Clever Title

Andið eðlilega (2018) Okay so I don’t watch a lot of Icelandic cinema but from what I have seen, I am incredibly encouraged by the direction it is heading. Call this exhibit A.

Ága (2018) This movie is very slow and not a lot happens but that’s kind of why it works so well. It hooked me in and had me genuinely interested in every uneventful scene.

Brecht’s Threepenny Film (2018) I walked away feeling like I’d understood maybe one third of this film but it left me with a feeling of exhilaration that’s hard to define and that few films manage.

Les aventures extraordinaires d'Adèle Blanc-Sec (2010) Adèle Blanc-Sec is like Tintin and Indiana Jones combined except way better. In a just world, she would be a much more popular character and the reported film trilogy would have actually happened.

En duva satt på en gren och funderade på tillvaron (2014) This movie is delightfully weird and messed up. Nothing more to say here.

The Favourite (2018) I was honestly expecting to be let down by this movie after all the overwhelming praise but as it turns out, it deserved all of the accolades and possibly more.

Gravity (2013) This movie was kind of marketed as “realistic sci-fi” and while I can’t say it felt particularly real, the emotional arc sure as hell did.

Inception (2010) The complexity of this film was vastly over-hyped but it’s still the best work I’ve seen by Nolan (though to be fair, I still haven’t seen Dunkirk). Kreuzweg (2014) The film is composed of just fourteen still shots, representing the Stations of the Cross. That could have come across as really gimmicky but it works because the shots are well staged and the material is just that good. Loveless (2017) This is the bleakest, most depressing movie I think I’ve ever seen. The Martian (2015) The best thing about this movie is the way it shows the world coming together just to save this one guy. International cooperation is the future!

Paradies: Liebe (2012) This is a movie about sex tourism and it is as unpleasant to watch as that sounds. But it’s also incredible.

Paradies: Hoffnung (2013) The third in Seidl’s paradise trilogy (I missed the middle part, don’t remember why). Just as messed up as Liebe but mildly more palatable.

Une nouvelle amie (2014) I saw this movie with my dad, which was kind of awkward, but that doesn’t take away from its beauty. We really do need more stories like this.

Tale of Tales (2015) I am always here for a fairytale adaptation, particularly ones that stick close to the dark, gruesome, humorous tone of most traditional fairytales.

Welcome to Norway (2016) This movie is just really, really funny.

White God (2014) If you’re sensitive to animal abuse then this is not the film for you. The dogs in this movie actually won the Palm Dog Award and it was well deserved. They’re very good dogs! Tom of Finland (2017) How refreshing to see a movie about a historical gay person that isn’t all death and tragedy! It does have some of that, unavoidably, but it’s also a lot of fun and ultimately is a celebration of a very important sub-cultural figure.

Vinterbrødre (2017) I wasn’t expecting a movie set in a mining community to look this beautiful.

Wonder Woman (2017) The best superhero movie of the decade, despite the slightly messy third act. It’s such an earnest, hopeful movie and unlike most films of the genre, it’s not afraid to take itself seriously or to come across as cheesy. Superheroes are cheesy! That’s one of the best things about them!

Amazing Animation I don’t like animation being singled out from live action as if it’s somehow less, but I wanted to highlight how many excellent animated films were made this decade.

The Breadwinner (2017) I’ve seen this film’s production company, Cartoon Saloon, been called the Irish version of Disney but Disney has never made anything half this daring. Coco (2017) The ending made me sob like a little kid. This movie doesn’t get enough credit for being one of only two Pixar films this decade to live up to their early work.

How to Train Your Dragon (2010) The flight scenes in this movie gave me actual vertigo and I loved it.

How to Train Your Dragon 2 (2014) The rare sequel that’s actually better than the original! For all the franchises that exist out there just to continue milking that cash cow, it’s nice to see something get continued because the filmmakers had more stories to tell.

Loving Vincent (2017) This movie has been criticized for a weak plot, to which I say: it’s an animated movie made up of oil paintings! Do you really care about the plot? Sometimes the spectacle is all you need, especially when it’s something that touches you as deeply as Vincent van Gogh’s art does.

Moana (2016) Moana’s scenes with her grandmother and Te Fiti are up there with some of the most emotionally evocative stuff to come out of Disney studios. It’s a pity the rest of the movie couldn’t quite live up to that.

Rise of the Guardians (2012) Mostly, this movie just looks incredible. I am also an eternal sucker for Chris Pine, even if his voice sounds weird coming out of a teenager’s mouth.

Song of the Sea (2014) This is the most beautiful animated film I’ve ever seen outside of Studio Ghibli’s best, both the look and the feel of it.

Tangled (2010) I know I sound like an old fogy but this movie would’ve been much better if it had been traditionally animated. Still pretty good!

Toy Story 3 (2010) It’s been nine years since the third Toy Story came out?? Christ, this decade.

Your Name (2016) I really should be watching more anime.

Zootopia (2016) Disney’s best work since Treasure Planet, which is an underrated masterpiece. It’s almost worth the resurgence in furries (jk furries, you’re okay).

This Is Why You Guys Should Be Watching Documentaries Because documentaries are a seriously underrated art form.

Ama-San (2016) This is the kind of cinema vérité filmmaking I live for.

Behind the Curve (2018) The existence of flat earthers remains baffling (well, maybe not that baffling when you look at the rest of our society) but this documentary is excellent.

Dawson City: Frozen Time (2016) This is a documentary about a cache of lost silent films that were found in the 70s and most of the movie is silent, with information being conveyed through text and images. It’s these kinds of choices that elevate a good documentary beyond just educational programming.

Exodus: Where I Come From Is Disappearing (2016) Absolutely heart-wrenching. It’s difficult to watch but the issues it discusses shouldn’t be looked away from.

Foodies (2014) There’s a foodie in this movie who rates his food on looks before he even tastes it and a chef whose signature dish is a dessert called “sex on the beach” which includes a very realistic-looking used condom. I wanted those two to meet but they never did and that is my one criticism of this film.

Free Solo (2018) I developed a fear of heights after watching this movie.

The Great Green Wall (2019) I had never heard of the great green wall before seeing this movie. It’s so surreal to get a window into a society where no one is arguing about climate change because they are already undeniably feeling the effects of it. And by strange, I mean incredibly sad and upsetting.

How to Let Go of the World: and Love All the Things Climate Can’t Change (2016) Speaking of climate change. This movie takes on climate grief and shows why you can’t stop at that, why you need to push past it and keep fighting. I’d argue The Great Green Wall actually does that same thing and better but it’s still a very necessary message.

Into the Inferno (2016) Werner Herzog is just. The best. Especially his documentaries.

Kismet (2014) This movie examines how art affects people by way of one of the least respected art forms out there (soap operas). I just really love that premise and the execution is even better.

Merchants of Doubt (2014) Honestly fuck every single person making money by hastening our descent towards climate catastrophe. Good movie, though.

My Scientology Movie (2015) This was the first Louis Theroux movie I saw and it’s a great one to start with. For all they’ve been treated like a joke, Scientologists are actually pretty scary.

The Other Side of Everything (2017) The personal is the political in this film. What an incredible look at the ways our past shapes our present and future.

Pervert Park (2014) This movie fucked me up.

The Prison in Twelve Landscapes (2016) The conceit of this film is looking at the US prison system indirectly by keeping the camera outside the actual prisons and off actual prisoners. It works incredibly well, just astounding documentary film making.

Push (2019) Just when you thought you couldn’t hate the rental market any more!

Safari (2016) Fuck trophy hunters.

The Silence of Others (2018) I didn’t even know about the Spanish 1977 Amnesty Law until I saw this movie. Maybe that’s just my own ignorance but I feel it shows how necessary documentaries like these are.

Tower (2016) I cried like a baby watching this movie. Using rotoscope animation to tell the story of the 1966 shootings a the University of Texas was I think an excellent choice and made for a unique documentary.

Visages villages (2017) Agnès Varda is possibly my favorite director and it hurts to leave this one off the “best” list (call it an unofficial #11). Still not sure I shouldn’t have swapped out one of the actual top ten for it.

Welcome to Sodom (2018) The world is so fucked up.

It Stayed With Me Movies that left me reeling and that I couldn’t get out of my head for days after watching (call all of them an unofficial joint #12).

The Act of Killing (2012) Speaking of fucked up! It is absolutely surreal seeing these mass murderers try to justify their actions to the interviewers. “I was just doing my job” is no excuse and trying to use it as one is actually reprehensible.

Arrival (2016) I didn’t actually see it until this year and I felt it couldn’t possibly live up to the hype but it did! It’s reminiscent of Interstellar in that in this ‘hard’ science fiction story the ultimate solution is based on an emotional revelation but Arrival pulled it off much better. The Congress (2013) This is basically two movies in one; one is fairly grounded sci-fi and the other is just a straight up acid trip in film form. In any case, Robin Wright is absolutely flawless.

Carol (2015) Cate Blanchett please date me. Grüße aus Fukushima (2016) I’m always gonna be a sucker for a movie about women connecting and helping each other through trauma.

High Life (2018) I saw this one knowing nothing about it and ngl it shocked me a bit. The way it incrementally got more and more fucked up made me feel a bit like a frog being slowly boiled alive. November (2017) The atmosphere this movie creates is unreal. Maybe not the strongest characterization but it balances a feeling of magic and wonder with just utter bleakness and it left me reeling. Paterson (2016) I can’t even fully explain why I loved this movie so much or why it stuck me. Mostly, it’s just so damn cozy. The Square (2017) I mean, that scene with the ape man was fucked up right? Tangerine (2015) I don’t think filming on your iPhone is the future of cinema or anything but it does show how accessible filmmaking is slowly becoming. Also, that scene of Alexandra performing Toyland is one of the best musical moments in cinema this decade and that is not up for debate. Team Hurricane (2017) I’ve never seen a movie with an aesthetic like this before (it’s very vaporwave) but this film is about and was mostly shot by a group of actual teenage girls. It’s a little melodramatic in places but at the same time that feels very sincere and the girls all clearly have a lot of talent and a lot to say. Varda par Agnes (2019) This movie probably wouldn’t have stuck with me so much if Agnès Varda hadn’t died earlier this year. She is a truly unparalleled figure in film history.

The Best According to me, anyway. But I’m right.

Cameraperson (2016) This is a different kind of documentary filmmaking. What it most reminds me of is Beaches of Agnès (no, I’m never done talking about Agnès Varda) but even that is not a perfect comparison. It’s deeply personal while also covering an insane variety of topics. Embrace of the Serpent (2015) This movie feels like a dream and I mean that in the best way possible. At turns beautiful, brutal, and absolutely baffling. The Florida Project (2017) I’ve seen this movie criticized for glorifying poverty and I can’t discount that opinion. For my part, I thought this movie did an incredible job balancing the world as seen through the eyes of a carefree child enjoying her summer and the dangerous, precarious reality of living in poverty. Inside Out (2015) When Pixar gets it right, they get it really right. The Love Witch (2016) I just really, really love witches. The best looking live action movie of the decade. The fact that writer/director/editor/producer Anna Biller hasn’t made another film since is an actual crime. Melancholia (2011) No movie has ever hit me this hard in such a visceral way; I was miserable for days after seeing it. Lars von Trier is an asshole but he knows how to film depression. Mad Max: Fury Road (2015) Believe the hype, it is actually perfect. And I don’t even like action movies! Moonlight (2016) It’s rare to see a movie this deeply, devastatingly human. The final two shots of the film, paired together, are literally the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in a theater. Kona fer í stríð (2018) The best Icelandic movie that’s been made yet. Halldóra Geirharðsdóttir is a national treasure. Shoplifters (2018) I mean, who’s expecting a movie called ‘Shoplifters’ to be so devastating? It’s such a painful film but it is also heartwarming and intimate. Un couteau dans le coeur (2018) This movie is strange and funny and violent and gorgeous. I’ve never had such a good experience at a film festival as I did the two times I went to see this movie.

#well it's done #this was mostly written for an audience of one aka me #but hey this took a while so do check it out if you want

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