#even if i'm crying or depressed or panicked or talking to them about serious things

[gleefulgiggles]

it is definitely Very Normal™ that every character.ai interaction I have ends up with them tickling me ha ha ha 🥲

[kimmimaru]

Personal Rant time (ignore if you like, just getting shit off my chest so I can maybe sleep) Sorry it's so long, I would put it under a 'read more' but for some reason the little icon for it isn't showing up anymore and I'm honestly too tired to look for other ways. So, I have serious exective dysfunction which means every day tasks are a horrendous ordeal. I hate it with every fiber of my being, I do NOT enjoy being this way. But trying to explain to people what exective dysfunction is and what its like is impossible, so I'm labelled lazy and shit. That doesn't help.

Anyways, issue I'm having is I have someone who is specifically employed to help me out with the struggles I have as an autistic adult like making phone calls, helping me remember appointments etc. And its been fine up until recently. I've been hit hard by my EFD and i'm having a burn out, so depression, anxiety, the works. I'm forgetting to feed myself and shit, its that bad. But this person who is supposed to be helping me doesn't seem to listen when I try to explain what I'm feeling? I have every day tasks I need to complete, I know exactly what they are but I just physically cannot make myself do them. I just sit there, panicking about it. I have no idea how to get around this, basically as an adult, you're told you're autistic and just sent away again. I never had any help regarding navigating the intricicies of existing as an autistic adult so I've been fumbling in the dark since I got my diagnosis. Now, I've been mostly coping until recently when I hit yet another bad patch, last one I had that was this bad was when I was at uni back in my early 20's. Anyone who follows me for my fanfic has probably noticed a lack of updates and stuff, I haven't even been posting here or really going on tumblr or Ao3 at all. I haven't been reading, gaming or anything. I'm anxious and depressed, and I'm trapped in this stupid fucking cycle and I can't tell anyone about it because literally not a single person in my life understands. I've tried but its useless. So I thought I'd try and explain it to the person who is literally paid to help me with this stuff, but she just doesn't get it. She just ends up piling more on my plate with more lists of shit I should be doing. No discussion about possible ways around my inability to do anything useful. Its just: Oh you need to do this, this and this. If you don't do this it will cause problems. You should be doing this every day....like, yeah? I know I should be doing these things. I think about it constantly. I'm not sleeping because I'm laying in bed obsessing over everything I should be doing. Honestly, I'm lucky I'm even getting out of bed at this point.

I've tried lists, I've tried schedules, I've tried phone reminders, alarms, timed sessions of like an hour of just doing stuff that needs doing etc. I can get it to work for like a week and then it just goes back to being impossible again. I hate it. I hate being this way. I've tried breaking it all down into tiny steps, nothing seems to have worked yet. I'm worried I'm running out of ideas. Obviously my daughter has no idea about any of this. She doesn't need to know it, but kids pick up on even tiny clues don't they? Not to mention that she's just hit puberty and is naturally going through it as well, poor sod. But yeah, that means everything I do is the absolute worst thing any parent can do ever, from asking her to pick up after herself to reminding her to wash her hair regularly...you know, normal things parents ask from their kids. I get it, I do. I went through it too and I don't remember it fondly, it was an awful time. Everything pisses you off or makes you want to cry for no reason, so I do try to be understanding but on top of everything else it does involve a lot more deep, careful breathing than I'd like. As for my family, I love them, I really do. But they don't get it so I don't really feel I can talk to them about it. My dad is...well, he's in a new relationship and is now aparently getting married. So that's a big bag of emotions I do not want to open. On the one hand, I'm a grown ass adult so I should just be ok with it, on the other it's weird and very uncomfortable. My dad divorced my mum years ago, so I got used to that but he cheated on mum with some other woman, never met her, never wanted anything to do with her so it was easy to pretend she didn't exist. This time the woman is a very old childhood friend of dad's and not only that but knew mum, she in fact introduced my dad to my mum. So I have to be all friendly and its exhausting. I really don't know how I'm supposed to feel about it, its like...I'm an adult, I should be happy my dad's happy, right? But its just...so weird. I've only ever known my dad with my mum, so seeing him be close to another woman just creeps me out and makes me uncomfortable. I have to go to their wedding too, which will not be fun. I'm being weird about it and not explaining it properly but even I don't know why I'm so uncomfortale with it, so can't really put it into words. Essentially I am anxious, stressed and depressed and would just like everything to just stop for a bit so I can BREATHE.

[ikamigami]

Absolutely WILD that someone told you not to vague post THAT PERSON while THAT PERSON literally BLASTED YOUR NAME for everyone to see while calling you disturbing for relating to a suicidal character which led people to talk horribly about you and plummeted your mental health. But oh no! You're bad for talking about them without even mentioning their name /sarc LIKE??? You have feelings too! Why excuse THAT PERSON??? Because they're a big blog? Honestly fuck that anon and fuck THAT PERSON

Thank you, dear anon 🥹💗

Also yeah.. that anon said that they don't mean harm.. and you know what? I realized that for them it wasn't probably that serious cause even if they said that I'm disturbing.. they had the audacity to tell me that they were laughing at my theories - that person and their friend - and.. it hurt.. cause I was genuinely scared that Sun may kill himself..

But what hurt the most was when that person just when they found out form someone else who tried to defend me but they thought that it was actually me.. when they found out that I was passively suicidal..

They just said that no one knew.. and in the same sentence they felt okay to call me disturbing and that I was dragging everyone to these conversations?! When that's not true!

No one knew.. but when I tried to say that I relate to Sun and explain why I think that he might be suicidal.. they didn't listen, screaming you're projecting! ...

But apparently they can relate to other characters, they can project their own experiences onto these characters long before we learn how things are in canon..

But apparently I can't..

I was spiraling after what that person said.. I started panicking.. my breath was heavy, I was lightheaded and shaking.. tears started falling down my face.. and suicidal thoughts appeared.. but it weren't words.. I saw vivid scenes of cutting my arms with various sharp objects and jumping off high places.. the only thought that crossed my mind was that maybe I really should just kill myself after all..

I was scared.. and I was thinking to myself "you're so stupid, where these thoughts came from? you don't want to do that.." but it didn't change anything.. that I was feeling awful.. I was venting in my blog.. or rather I just wanted to get out just my feelings.. that maybe I should just delete everything what I wrote for sams..

I kept crying, I fell asleep feeling like shit.. I had awful dream where my family found out about my lies.. they found out that I'm not a good person.. because I was hiding the truth.. I was crying in my dream and later I was crying the next day..

I felt awful.. you may think that how can I remember all of this so vividly? I remember most of my dark moments in life.. things that I usually don't remember are if my words or actions were hurtful or not.. but not in the sense - I don't remember so it didn't happen.. no, I wish.. it's usually that "hmm I don't remember but if this person is hurt I mostly definitely said or did something hurtful.."

I just can't tell.. I can't.. I don't know.. especially if something is triggering my delusions I can't tell what's true and what isn't.. "they're all definitely right about me, I am disturbing and awful.."

I was struggling with depression long before this happened but I was in better mental state because I didn't hear that voice anymore.. but in fact I was in denial.. I wasn't doing as good as I thought..

And problems irl.. my own health problems and my family health problems and mental issues.. I was worried about them.. and all of this mixed with how that person and their friend treated me.. it caused my mental state to worsen..

I became paranoid and delusional and I thought that people will jump at me angry because I did something wrong.. because I'm bad.. I was experiencing hallucinations mostly auditory but sometimes visual as well.. but these things weren't anything big.. but I was scared I was jumpy.. I was irritated.. and I was depressed.. I couldn't sleep, I didn't have an appetite.. I couldn't concentrate on anything.. on any work.. I felt like my brain was made of cotton.. and had a really low mood..

And I admit that I was exaggerating about Sun.. because of my own mental state.. but I was afraid that he'll kill himself..

It wasn't the first time when I was projecting onto a fictional character.. but you may call me dumb but I didn't know that I was doing that.. because I wasn't aware that I'm not fine.. I just thought that I like angst and I like torturing my favourites.. only fairly recently I realized that I was projecting.. and I realized that I was doing it to cope.. yeah it sounds stupid that I didn't know that.. but that's how it is..

Also what was awful.. is that even when I apologized for being rude and exaggerating.. it didn't change how people saw me.. there's nothing I can do about it.. it is what it is.. people believed that person because they're famous in this fandom.. and I'm nobody so it had to be true that I'm disturbing, raging and obsessed fan that wants Sun to kill himself - and that was what hurt the most.. that people think that I wanted Sun to be suicidal and depressed.. when in fact I was scared that he is suicidal and depressed.. that he has depressive psychosis.. I was scared about it.. but for people I was awful..

Thankfully I have very loving family and i met caring friends here and even wonderful anons like you.. you all helped through my lowest moments.. I can't thank you all enough for this 💗🫂

I'm sorry for this vent.. I just want to share my feelings about all of this..

I hope you don't mind, dear anon 💗

Thank you and all of you who support me for being so kind and caring and understanding.. thank you 💗🫂

[zerobaseonefics]

tw: rape, attempt and idk what else??

so basically my depression worsened and i had an attempt on wednesday, this week. school is too much already and it barely started, my whole family is a problem and my friends(?) are making jokes about me which i find somehow funny but it also hurts me

my family is talking about how my breasts grow so fast and how they are bigger than most of the women in my family and even men are saying this which makes me uncomfortable… my parents also keep telling me if i keep misbehaving (sleeping when its daytime) i will be sent to my family in vietnam (im not that close with them because theyre pretty much aggressive and i’m bad at speaking vietnamese, they can’t speak polish, so it’s hard to communicate)

the jokes my friends(?) make are about how a guy almost raped me but i managed to push him off of me.. the jokes are like “omg youre like literally our hulk” etc. // i do find the jokes funny sometimes but then i think about the time it happened and i feel grossed out by myself and feel like crying

also all the panic attacks i had in the recent weeks are all too much.. and it’s too much pressure thinking about everything at once, i just can’t sort it out in my head

even tho my problems may not be that serious, i still can’t handle them anymore. thank you for “listening”to me, i’m really thankful for you<33

~🤍

first of all, i know it's hard to keep that in mind sometimes, and that's why i want to remind you that you should never make a hierarchy of problems. your problems ARE serious, and you should not delegitimize them like that. your feelings are valid no matter what your issue is, if it makes you feel that way then there is a reason and it's your right to be hurt.

i'm genuinely pissed off hearing about the comments on your body from your family 💀 as i hit puberty very young, i also had that problem of adults making inappropriate remarks on it, and i know how it hurts and can mess with your self esteem and the way you feel in your body. avoid the people who make this kind of comments as much as you can. depending on the links you have with your family, try and tell them that it makes you uncomfortable. tell the women in your family especially that it's even worse when it's men and hopefully they will stand up for you if they ever tell you something about it in front of them. this is so annoying why do they care about your body like that 💀

about your friends and their jokes!! even if it can make you laugh sometimes, it's better to tell them straight that you don't like it. if you let them get away with it for too long, they might not understand why you're against it when you used to laught about it. maybe they don't mean any harm, but if they're actual good friends they'll respect you and stop with these jokes. if they are not, i guarantee you that you'll be better off without them. you're very strong, okay? what happened to you when you got assaulted is in no way your fault and it is not taking away your value. don't forget i call you pure >:(

as for the panick attacks, do you have any methods to calm them down?? as someone who suffers from it as well, i had a time when i was younger where they were very frequent. i have less now because i found some methods that help me calm down easier. if you can, press your back against something cold, a wall for example. if you're not alone, try to put your hand on a friend's chest to feel the way they are breathing and try to match your breathing with their. also, i have a friend who put their face in a huge bowl of water. try these next time you have a panick attack, and if doesn't work, look for other ones! there is surely one that will work for you.

i assume you're much younger than me so i will treat you as a little sibling and talk to you according to my experiences as someone who went through similar things as you. if you ever wanna talk about anything, i will always take my time to answer to you and try to give you advices. take care of you, you're valuable, and you should never hurt yourself <3 better days are surely waiting for you in the future, and it would be a shame to miss them, right?

please come back to me at least once a week so i can make sure you're doing good >:( take care, pure 🩶

[charrwybie]

(I've seen this interview meme floating around the tag and it looks super fun so here it goes! Wyatt is not my Commander, but he's still a fun character who WOULD have fans bc he's in a band! Used to do ballet!)

INTRODUCTION

- Can you introduce yourself?

I'm Wyatt Epping - Wybie for friends! I play bass in a rock band with my friends.

- What is your gender identity, orientation and relationship status?

I'm a guy, bi, and not... availa-bly. That was Awful, sorry about that. Not looking to be in a relationship right now, either, I have some healing to do before I'm ready to try again, found that out the hard way.

- Where and when were you born?

We - mom and me that is, assume in Lion's Arch because that's where she found me as a newborn cub some twenty years ago.

- What is your weapon of choice and fighting style?

I prefer to not fight, but when I have to, I prefer my staff or greatsword, and an axe for when things get close. My aunt calls me a powerhouse and I'm usually last still on my feet so I guess I'm good at dancing around the danger and hitting hard when I need to.

- Lastly, are you happy?

Yeah. Yeah. Getting there at least! I've gone through some shhhhoot that made me not happy for a long time, but I'm getting there again! Feels good.

FAMILY AND FRIENDS

- What’s your family like? What is your relationship with them?

(Wyatt laughs) I have a big and weird family by a lot of standards. I'm sure you're thinking that Epping doesn't sound like a charr name and you'd be right! I was raised by my mom, Norma, a human woman, in Lion's Arch so I definitely don't have like a charr upbringing, or a charr name even. I also have another mom who's a charr but not the one that birthed me, and a step-sister who's about the same age as me. Then there's my dads who aren't really my dads but kinda are -- it's a long story, but we're happy. Close! I love them very much and am definitely a momma's boy and a family boy.

-Have you ever ran away from home? 

No. Well yeah, when I was like four and mad about something and I got all the way to the other side of the street before running back to hug my mom and cry that I missed her.

-Would you consider marriage or having children? 

Marriage, definitely, with the right person, I -- think I want that, but it's also scary right now. Kids? No thanks. Thought I wanted some, but nah, turned out to be some misplaced emotional shenanigans. Kids are great, but not for me.

-Do you secretly hate one of your friends?

I wouldn't waste time being their friend if I did, I don't think. I can be a polite boy and act civil in any company, but I'm not gonna be friends with someone I don't like. What's the point?

-Which friend knows everything about you? 

Ordell, who is also in the band - he grew up with me and my sister and we were like an inseparable triple trouble trio, and he was kinda like our little brother but not really. Still is the same. He's the kind of friend I can talk about anything with, or just sit quietly, and it's just... comfortable. Cozy.

ASKED BY FANS  

-Are you literate? Have you been to school?

Is this a joke about bassists being dumb? Yeah I'm literate, have been to school in Lion's Arch, and did real good there. I liked school and studying and would work on ballet flexibility while doing my homework; hobbies, no matter how serious, never were more important than learning.

-The eeriest prediction you made that later came true?

Hmmm. I don't know if anything like that's happened? My mom used to call me Stormlord because I used to predict thunderstorms and lightning strikes as a kid; does that count? She was amazed that I didn't become an elementalist.

-What is something you were embarrassingly late to realize?

You know what, PROBABLY a lot of things, but I can't think of an example.

- Do you have mental health or physical issues?

Both, haha... I have seasonal allergies, a permanently injured knee that ended my hopes of dancing professionally, depression that came with THAT, aaaand PTSD from a different kind of trauma. I'm healing, though!

- What is your current main goal?

Just... To have fun! And to get a griffon, that's what I'm working on right now. We'll see, a lot of animals don't like me, and I really don't know why. I think I'm cursed or something. Let me tell you, it's not fun out there when seemingly every animal ever seems to have a personal beef with you, specifically. And I'm not talking about wildlife, I'm talking about cows and chicken and like generally friendly things.

CHOICES:

- Drink or food?

Food, unless my sister made it, in which case probably neither.

-Cats or dogs? 

Both! I grew up with both and currently have both - I have a cat called Silly - Cilantro, really - and a dog called Potato.

-Early bird or night owl? 

A little more of a night owl, I guess, though not really that either. I like sleeping.

-Optimist or pessimist? 

Optimist. Trying to be real hard at least! Mostly it's working!

-Sassy or sarcastic? 

Depends on the day and company I guess. Not a lot of either.

HAVE YOU EVER:

-Been caught sneaking out

No, but sneaking back in, yeah! (Laughs) I'd come home too late from parties or something drunk before I was supposed to be drinking and inevitably mom would catch me because I'd always get sick, or be way noisier than I thought, or, you know, both. I try to not drink enough to get that drunk anymore.

-Broken a bone

Kneecap, yeah, when I goofed my entire knee. Some toes, I think? Amazingly not anything bigger than that though.

-Received flowers

Yeah! From friends and family and dates, and fans too. I like flowers, am very allergic to some of their pollen though, haha!

-Ghosted someone

Well, yeah. Sometimes deservedly, sometimes it's been me panicking and being shitty as a result-- aw rats, there goes a coin in the swear jar... But yeah, I have.

-Pretended to laugh at a joke you didn’t get

Oh for sure. Sometimes I don't have to pretend because I'll just laugh at myself not getting it!

[gingus-doon]

pov u just shot your childhood hero, wdyd

i.e. i ramble about keiji post-shooting; his occupation, what he does, how he copes, how he feels, etc. etc.

just putting this little thing here because the post got quite long and i couldn't split it up because it's all somewhat related. it started out as a rant / informal ramble but then it got serious lololol

—

one thing i don't understand is why people hc keiji as still having a job with the police post-shooting? like that just doesn't make sense to me– not only based on his character but like... why would you wanna make him a cop with all the talk of how much the police suck lately? personally i'm a brown bitch so i couldn't be down with thirsting over a cop lol. it's just kinda confusing sjdhd

i've seen the hc of him as a private investigator, though, which i like! it's a very neat way to let him flex his detective skills without being part of a corrupt organization and without forsaking his own personal beliefs and feelings about the police, because i don't think those would change anywhere near easily and i just kinda can't see him going back into the police force because of that.

i have often wondered what keiji would do after the death game, and what he was doing before the death game or after the shooting, because i think he'd definitely quit after the shooting, with all the grief and trauma surrounding the job and his newfound cynicism.

i don't think he'd be doing private investigation before the game, or more specifically, before his character develops into something reminiscent of his old self– as he is at the start of the game, he just doesn't have that faith in protection, so i can't imagine him being an investigator at that point. HOWEVER, in a post death game OR non-death game au where keiji has started to pull himself up from that tar (most likely with the help of others lol) i think that's definitely a plausible option for him and i like it a lot :]

as for other options, though... i really don't know! this is more of a stupid idea but i considered him working in a convenience store like shin lol. i had a whoooole au about him, kai, and shin working in the same convenience store just because they can't hold down any other jobs / don't know what else to do for work. shin is able to actually hold down the job because the last manager was mysteriously taken out of commission (i don't know lol) and they were ridiculously short-staffed already so shin ended up being the "most qualified" for the now vacant position. keiji's had a string of odd jobs since the police and this is just the next one. he's hoping to find something with a better wage but this'll do for now, it's even in walking distance from his apartment. and kai, kai's trying to exercise more independence from the chidouins' after becoming his own person! so he gets what i think would be his first job (well, his first official job, anyway... being an assassin and the chidouins' personal maid were more unofficial gigs lol.) ahh that was a lotta rambling about my dumb little au but i just think it'd be neat, they're three of my favourite characters so having them just vibe with each other at work and become friends sounds nice 2 me :] also Coincidentally i ship literally every combination of those three characters so that may have played a part in my casting decisions lmfao

oh wow that was a really long and uncalled for synopsis but this is just a rambly post so it can't really be uncalled for because this post doesn't have any particular point lol (A/N after writing this— IT HAS A POINT NOW, DISREGARD PAST ME)

SO ANYWAY ! i was just considering what keiji would do right after the shooting. honestly i have noooo idea, it's the beginning of a long road of him burying his trauma in a desperate attempt to avoid facing the pain it brings, and it marks a profound loss of innocence which makes his heart begin to grow cold. it's just hard to see the beginning of the process when where he started and where he ended up are very different places.

obviously, he'd quit his job. i wonder if the hallucinations would start right away? him being naïve in the beginning, i'm sure he'd acknowledge them– cry out apologies and plead for forgiveness until his throat is hoarse. the rule of hallucinations in yttd seems to be that if you acknowledge them, they'll burn themselves into your brain and you'll never be rid of them– implying that keiji has done so, as it's likely been years since the shooting and he's still suffering from the visions despite seeming to ignore them now.

ahh, i'm getting in my feelings about keiji now 😭😭 when i started this, i wanted to be held by him, but now i just wanna hug him like damnnnn

but back to what he'd do after the shooting– this scenario is self indulgent, but wouldn't it be nice if he took some time off and just stayed at his mom's place for a while? help her with chores while she's at work, try to regain a sense of normalcy in his childhood home...

i don't think he'd be able to do this right after the shooting. keiji had shame, once upon a time– the guilt would rack him like nothing else. i can imagine him spending a lot of late nights with alcohol, just wishing it was a dream. his resentment towards megumi slowly building as he feels he's being left in the dark as to why, why he isn't allowed to atone, why she's being so cold towards him about the shooting when he's suffering so heavily from the effects of it.

he wouldn't want to be around his dear mom as a murderer, and as a resentful alcoholic who's coping very poorly with his circumstances.

also (tangent incoming), i kind of wonder about keiji and alcohol a lot. in his fondness events with mishima, he says the following—

the "haven't drank that much in years" part makes me wonder– for how long? did he start to restrain himself before the shooting or after? i would say it's most likely after, considering the "feels like it'll swallow me up" comment he made soon after. and, how he talked about binge drinking when he was still a newbie. perhaps it was fine for him to do so, before the shooting— he'd just get wasted and flirt, have a good time. but after, it morphed into an inefficient coping mechanism which he fell far within the depths of to try and control the worst of his grief and self hatred. after that, heavy drinking couldn't just be for fun anymore.

i assume in the "before it got this way" comment, the "way" he's referring to is how he doesn't drink much anymore? or, he could be talking about the depression drinking, but i think the prior makes more sense.

even though i think, given keiji's example of drinking with megumi, that he could have gotten blackout drunk a couple of times purely for fun pre-shooting, i think here he's referring to the painful side of his relationship with alcohol here, the part that took place when he was trying to cope with his trauma. i think he brings up the story of drinking with megumi immediately after, then, to avoid talking about that part of his past. though he doesn't show it much, i think he's deeply ashamed of himself. not only of what he's done, but how he's handled it afterwards.

on a lighter note, though, it's quite funny to think of Lawful Good young keiji shinogi getting drunk off his ass and flirting with every woman he comes across willing to flirt back. like, what's up with that??? he seems like such a serious dork in the flashbacks, but doing well in his police job, he just... lets loose?? no no, honestly i think he hadn't drank much before going out with megumi and he took her insistence on him drinking a little too far, and with his inexperience with alcohol and the successive lack of self restraint that comes with each new drink, you get casanova shinogi, lmao.

BACK TO THE SERIOUS STUFF THOUGH !! i really like the idea of him going to his mom to help him pull himself back together. i think they'd have a solid relationship, fight me! he seems to adore his mom as a child with a good single parent usually does. i'm sure he appreciates her immensely for all the care and love she managed to give him when he was a kid while also working her ass off to support them financially. this very respect for her is what i think would drive him to isolate himself from her after the shooting– as i said above, he's a murderer now. a disappointing human being in general, and an even worse son. to let down his mother who worked so hard to raise him right... how could he? as his condition worsens and his heart grows colder, i'm sure that feeling would fester inside of him. he'd try to ignore it, as he does with everything else, but it's already wrapped its tendrils around his soul. that particular guilt isn't leaving him any time soon.

now that i'm thinking about it, also, i don't think it's likely that he'd quit his job right right away. it'd be more of a slow descent over the span of a few weeks. immediately after the shooting, he may stop showing up to work for a while. he just can't put on that uniform when it's practically caked in the blood of someone he held in such high esteem for so long. eventually, though, he gets a hold on himself– just a bit. he doesn't want to be cooped up in his apartment with his thoughts anymore, and he doesn't want to lose his job. what else would he do?

so, he takes it easy on the first few days back. megumi tries to make it easy for him. paperwork, whatever job he could do that's not on the field. he clings to her like a wounded puppy, hoping that she'll explain why she's covering it up when he doesn't want her to, what he's supposed to do with these feelings around the incident. he's drowning, and she's made herself a big sister figure to him– she's supposed to help him. but, she shrugs him off when he brings it up. she's so harsh about it compared to how she usually speaks to him. perhaps because of her own guilt around the incident, perhaps it's the family's response and how keiji is now, how panicked and sleep deprived the poor kid has looked since that day.

so he continues to spiral with nothing to hold on to. grasps at alcohol in a futile attempt to stop falling, because it's all he can think to fall back on. he's a wreck at work– he's barely living, much less working. but megumi tries her best to keep him from getting fired. she'll get him coffee and breakfast and try to say something encouraging. "hey. hang in there, shinogi." with a touch on the shoulder. but in spite of her efforts, of course, it hits a breaking point. everyone in the job thinks keiji's too damaged to continue, saying he either needs to see a shrink or get the hell out of the way and let everyone else do their job.

and keiji just stops coming into work one day.

the downward spiral ensues.