#even if he was 14 like STILL-- but god.... he was essentially seven years old why was that his JOB

[dollarstoreartsupplies]

something I think we as a fandom don't talk about enough is the fact that during his first guide mission grover was 14. And satyrs age half the rate of humans.

grover was emotionally and mentally seven years old. seven. of course he couldn't save everyone he was seven years old!!!!

[dietgaymags]

A definitive ranking of DWTS Season 29′s celebrities thus far

So I'm obsessed with Dancing with the Stars as much as the next guy. I’ve seen every season since number 11, when I was like 9 years old. But I dropped off a few seasons ago, disappointed that they really had the nerve to put the legend Lindsey Stirling on the same season as the other legend Jordan Fisher. That was not fair to anyone, because Lindsey would have wiped the floor in literally any other season. 

But Season 29′s cast was released and I got excited again. About 80% of these names I was not only familiar with, but were people I enjoyed for some reason or another. Skai Jackson, Nelly, Johnny Weir, AJ McLean, Nev Schulman, Carole Baskin, Justina Machado, Monica Aldama, and the list just goes on. They really said “we need to get young people back into the show.” And they did. I was hooked. And though Len is gone and Carrie Ann is going some sort of which way with her votes (we don’t talk about it), I’ve watched every episode with bright eyes and so much excitement. We have some good dancers this season. And some bad ones. But mostly good. So here’s my definitive ranking of this season’s stars (and, by extension, pros). And if you don’t agree, that’s fine. I am simply a nineteen-year-old girl who likes to watch ballroom dancing. 

NUMBER 15: CAROLE MF BASKIN AND PASHA PASHKOV

Besides the moral obligations to not allow a murderer to appear on the show, I think DWTS did a good job trying to rope people in by bringing her on. When the cast list was released, my jaw dropped because I knew she was going home first and I wanted to be there to see it. 

And somehow, she did not... go home first? She made it another episode? While I’m sure it was a ploy to keep people interested in the show so they didn’t watch the premiere and drop off, Carole Baskin is sure to go down in DWTS history as one of the worst competitors. Her highest score was a 16, sure, but her lowest was an 11. We’re treading Master P territory. And I had a full traumatic episode watching her in a lion-esque unitard. Fuck, I needed to bleach every orifice on my body. (Overall Rating: 1 dead husband/10)

NUMBER 14: CHARLES OAKLEY & EMMA SLATER

You cannot tell me this man isn’t having the most fun he’s had in a minute. He was another easy-to-spot early elimination, but I actually enjoyed watching him to some degree. Emma danced circles around him, but you could really tell he was trying his damnedest and I appreciate it. And his performances didn’t strike cold, dead fear into my heart like other people.

He also got the same average score as Carole over the first two episodes, but one of those was NOT an 11. Slightly better, imo, just a little less improvement than Carole---which is why Derek booted him in the first place. (Overall rating: 1.5 left feet/10)

NUMBER 13: JESSE METCALFE AND SHARNA BURGESS

Did they---did they ever dance? I literally don’t remember anything other than that Newsies dance, which I have to say I particularly enjoyed. It might be because I like Newsies. It might be because Sharna’s hair is gorgeous this season. I don’t know, but it probably wasn’t because of Jesse’s dancing. 

That’s literally all I have to say. (Overall rating: 2 confused braincells/10)

NUMBER 12: CHRISHELL STAUSE AND GLEB SAVCHENKO 

WOAH, she’s coming in with the hot takes! Chrishell hasn’t even been eliminated yet! And look, it’s not even Chrishell’s fault that she’s so low on the list. It really isn’t. She’s been performing, well, okay thus far. Not great, considering her highest score was a 26 on a Paso double where she literally did not even dance (look, I’m not a judge, but I would’ve given it a 21 MAYBE). She’s trying, and she seems to be really enjoying it; I absolutely adore her energy. But most of the issue here is attributed to her partner, Gleb.

His choreography is just... I don’t know... lazy. He throws himself around like a god among men and Chrishell is just there. I don’t really appreciate the pros who prefer to dance over their partners instead of with them. I don’t understand why he thinks this method will get him a mirrorball, but it’s just not gonna happen. (Overall rating: 2 measures of actual dancing/10)

NUMBER 11: ANNE HECHE AND KEO MOTSEPE

Look how happy they look! No, but seriously, they didn’t do that bad. They just had a bad week. Week 2, they had a higher average score than SIX other couples on the show, and they left with a score of 21. I legitimately think that their Disney night dance was underscored. Sure, it wasn’t wonderful, but it didn’t deserve a fifteen.

I know they had no chance to win the mirrorball, but Keo has a history of being stuck with less-than-stellar partners. Anne was not a bad match; they just had bad luck and better competition. I did love watching them, though. And Keo is beautiful, but need I say more? (Overall rating: 3.5 early elims/10)

NUMBER 10: VERNON DAVIS AND PETA MURGATROYD CHMERKOVSKIY

I honestly haven’t enjoyed Peta’s choreography since Season 22, when she and Nyle DiMarco ate up the dance floor and left not a single crumb. She and Peta were another pair where I was like, “Wait, who got eliminated? They’re still here?” The judges were right in saying Vernon had a lot of energy on stage, and look at him here. He’s big cheesin’.

They kind of existed for me is all I have to say. The only reason they’re ranked higher than Anne and Keo is because their average score was just overall better. They never scored extremely well, with their highest score being a 22, but they never did too horribly either. They were meh. (Overall rating: 4 touchdowns/10)

NUMBER 9: NELLY AND DANIELLA KARAGACH

Another hot take? Yes. I can never tell whether or not Nelly enjoys being here until he actually dances. During rehearsal, confessionals, critiques, he always looks a little embarrassed or nervous? I’m not sure. But just like Vernon and Peta, all of their dances have been kind of meh. 

That’s not to put Daniella down in any sense. It’s her first season as a pro, and her abilities definitely shine through in her performance. But like I said about Gleb earlier, she has a tendency to dance over Nelly at times (see: the Freddy Krueger dance from last week). I don’t see Nelly living up to the standards the judges say he’s lived up to thus far, but that might just be my personal opinion. (Overall rating: 5 heeled sneakers/10)

NUMBER 8: MONICA ALDAMA AND VALENTIN CHMERKOVSKIY

Another surprisingly hot take. I actually really enjoyed each of Monica’s dances this season, especially since she’s someone with essentially zero dance experience. I’m still very pissy that the Ratched dance sent her home---it was one of my favorite dances of the night, and I have no clue why she only got a 22 for it (especially when Chrishell and Gleb got a 26). 

Val has always been someone on the show who can take a non-dancer and genuinely make them better. This is the case with Monica. We saw so much improvement with her over the weeks. We’re getting to the part of the list where I love all of the dancers. Still, Monica and Jeannie should not have been the bottom 2 last week, but in the case between the two, it’s right that Monica was eliminated. Still, I would have loved to see her next week. (Overall rating: 6 cheer pyramids/10)

NUMBER 7: SKAI JACKSON AND ALAN BERSTEN

Sure, she got the first 10 of the season. Sure, the Chucky dance was kind of spectacular. But she’s also had the lowest score for two out of seven weeks so far. She has yet to be in the bottom, but I’m sure that’s the fans working for her. I can’t deny her talent on the dance floor, but I would argue that objectively, Skai has made the most mistakes out of everyone this season.

She’s been remarkably inconsistent over the course of the season, but when she’s good, she’s really, really good. She was my pick to win when the cast was released, but now I don’t see that happening unless the fans really come to vote on her, which I think they will. But there is no excuse for an 18 on Week 6. She can do better. I know she can. But until then, she stays in the middle of my list. (Overall rating: 6 Ms. Kiplings/10)

NUMBER 6: JEANNIE MAI AND BRANDON ARMSTRONG

To be completely honest, I had Jeannie Mai pegged as an early elimination from Week 1. But she and Brandon continue to astound me as a team. I love every single one of their dances, sad that they’ve been consistently underscored. That Hannibal Lecter paso was stunning, and the Up dance on Disney night made me tear up a little. 

They’re not higher for the sole reason that others are just better. Not because I don’t love what they put out on the stage every week, but Jeannie just isn’t the strongest technically. Until they get eliminated, though, I’ll be watching with bated breath. (Overall rating: 7 hole-in-ones/10)

NUMBER 5: KAITLYN BRISTOWE AND ARTEM CHIGVENTSEV

Do I just not see what everyone else is seeing when they’re obsessing over Kaitlyn Bristowe? I mean, everything she’s done so far has been wonderful, but she’s not my favorite. Technically, it’s on point 85% of the time. and she has the second-highest point total so far in the competition, but she has yet to do a dance where I step back and think, “Wow.” That’s what puts her behind the top four.

I did not like the Cruella DeVille paso doble at all last week, but I think that was attributed to the song choice more than anything else. I have yet to be taken aback by Kaitlyn and Artem, but their work is undeniably, objectively some of the best on the show. (Overall rating: 7 roses/10)

NUMBER 4: AJ MCLEAN AND CHERYL BURKE

Now we’re at the spot on the list where if any of these guys win the mirrorball, I will be satisfied. Something about AJ is simply magnetic. He has such a kind disposition and wonderful talent on the dance floor, it’s so hard not to love him. His samba is one of my favorite dances on this season so far, and I’m genuinely concerned that he’s been underscored this whole time. 

Cheryl is a mf VETERAN at this, too. She knows how to teach this man to destroy a dance floor. The energy he brings, the life he brings, the nasty footwork that he DEMOLISHES. I did not expect to love AJ as much as I do. In my opinion, the most improvement we’ve seen in a star this season. (Overall: 8.5 backstreets/10)

NUMBER 3: JUSTINA MACHADO AND SASHA FARBER

Justina is living proof that you don’t have to be as big around as my pinky finger to do ballroom dancing well. She’s easily the best female star this season, and Sasha has accentuated her talents on the dance floor without overpowering her, which I enjoy. On top of that, she looks so happy to be here, which translates heavily into her dancing. 

I will say, not every dance from her has been my favorite, but there hasn’t been a single dance out of her that I haven’t liked. Her presence is so powerful and destructive that everyone needs to watch their backs. Remember, this is a sitcom mom, not a professional dancer. (Overall rating: 8.5 days at a time/10)

NUMBER 2: JOHNNY WEIR AND BRITT STEWART

I am a firm believer that Johnny and Britt should have gotten a perfect 30 on their contemporary back in Week 5. I am also a firm believer that they should have gotten a perfect 30 on their Viennese waltz last week. I am consistently blown away by Britt’s choreography every single week, and their chemistry as a pair is unlike anyone I’ve seen in the show’s history. 

What I like about them so much is how much of a team they are. That really makes so much difference out on the dance floor. Their grace and style is completely unmatched, and as a first season pro, Britt is destroying some of the pros who have been here for years... Gleb. I can’t wait to see their performances every single week, and I hope they continue to dance together somehow even after the show is over. (Overall rating: 9.9 triple axels/10)

NUMBER 1: NEV SCHULMAN AND JENNA JOHNSON CHMERKOVSKIY

Hey, quick question: did you expect this? Because I definitely didn’t. Catfish has always been my guilty pleasure show to watch when I’m bored and lonely, and Nev has always been this super dorky guy, so when they announced the cast list, I was like “Oh, this is gonna be funny as hell.” Because it could only go one of two ways: 1) Nev fumbles around like a dork and goes home pretty early, or 2) he wins the mirrorball. 

APPARENTLY it’s the latter. Nev surprised me, and I think everyone, with his natural talent, and Jenna is heavily playing off that in her choreography. She’s been giving him very difficult, technical work and he’s has continued to astound. With the first 30 of the season rightfully deserved, Nev is a force to be reckoned with. Like I’ve said earlier, some of the pros like to dance over their partners to hide their weaknesses. I would go so far as to argue Jenna lets him dance over her. Together, they’re an absolute wildfire, and if they continue at this pace, consider the competition already won. (Overall rating: 10 chest hairs/10)

[princesssarisa]

22 questions

Thanks, @cinefantastiquemitho!

01. The book that transformed your life. Freak the Mighty. It traumatized me so much in middle school, I think it singlehandedly changed me from a mostly happy (if quiet and overemotional) child into a moody, anxious teenager. The same goes for it’s ‘90s movie adaptation, The Mighty, starring a young Elden Henson and Kieran Culkin. It’s about the unlikely friendship between two misfit middle school boys: Max, the big, hulking, “stupid,” somewhat mentally disabled protagonist with a traumatic past, and “Freak,” an intelligent yet small, severely crippled, and (spoiler alert) terminally ill boy who rides on Max’s shoulders and serves as his “brain,” leading him in modeling their lives after the knights in the Arthurian legends he reads. Basically, it’s like Bridge to Terabithia meets a PG-rated Midnight Cowboy with Arthurian themes. I was forced to read it and watch the movie in school and it shook me to the core because I identified too much with Max. Not that I ever thought I was stupid, but since I was also a physically heavy, intellectually disabled, socially awkward, often teased, withdrawn misfit, I saw myself in him, very, very much. So to watch his struggles, and then in the end to see him devastated by his only friend’s death, hit hard. If that spirit medium I recently talked to was telling the truth about my past life as Emily Brontë’s best and possibly only friend, then maybe subconsciously I saw her in Freak (since she was also a “freakish” misfit who nonetheless was highly intelligent, witty and imaginative) and relived her illness and death in his. At any rate, it plunged me into a long depression that must have seemed inexplicable to the adults around me.

02. The movie that changed your way of seeing the world. The 1983 telecast of Madama Butterfly from the Arena di Verona, starring Raina Kabaivanska as Cio-Cio-San. In hindsight, it was a flawed production. Kabaivanska was a 49-year-old Bulgarian grand dame, not the least bit convincing as a 15-year-old Japanese girl. The tenor, who was supposed to be her worldly seducer, was young enough to be her son. There wasn’t a single Japanese person in either the cast or the creative team – it was all a European fantasy of Japan. For that matter, Madama Butterfly is inherently problematic with its racial and gender issues (in other news, water is wet). But watching this old telecast on VHS, out of curiosity about Miss Saigon’s source material, was the real beginning of my passion for opera. I was already familiar with The Magic Flute, but this was the start of my love for opera beyond that one. The tragic romance of the story, the visual beauty of the sets and costumes, and Puccini’s sumptuous musical score captivated my fourteen-year-old self. It led me to VHSs of La Traviata, Carmen, La Bohéme, Tosca, Rigoletto, Les Contes d’Hoffmann, L’Orfeo and Turandot, as well as other videos of Butterfly, and then to opera performances onstage. It gave me a new passion and gave me something beautiful to share with other people through “Opera Quest,” the program I’ve created to introduce opera to elementary school students. I’m so, so grateful to it!

03. The music that makes part of the soundtrack of your life. Opera, Broadway/West End show tunes, and Disney songs.

04. Define longing. It’s wanting, but deeper and stronger. It’s constant wanting, painful wanting, wanting that almost becomes obsession.

05. If you got back in time, which scene would you visit of your life? Any of my Thanksgiving visits to my grandma in Mesa, Arizona. Of course I’d love to see her again – she died 12 years ago – but I also loved wandering around the pretty retirement community where she lived, listening to Les Misérables or to Andrew Lloyd Webber on my headphones, and then sometimes swimming in the outdoor pool. I also loved the restaurant we always went to for Thanksgiving dinner, and if possible, going to see the lavish Christmas lights at the Mormon Temple a day or two later.

06. The place where your heart is. Los Angeles. Even though I wasn’t born there, it’s the earliest place I remember. I grew up there and it’s only been four years since I moved away. Every time I’ve gone back to visit since, I I’ve had the overwhelming feeling of “I’m home!” Even though I’m glad not to be living in a big city right now, I wish I lived closer and could visit more often.

07. The travel of your life. I haven’t travelled very much outside the US, though I have been to Canada, London and Ireland. Within the US, I was born in Connecticut, I’ve lived most of my life in California, and I’ve spent a lot of time in New York (relatives live there), Washington State (more relatives live there), Arizona (my grandma lived there), Florida (other grandparents, plus Walt Disney World), Montana (still more relatives), North Carolina (still more), and Minnesota (family friends). Once each I’ve been to Chicago, Boston, Cape Cod, and small towns in Vermont and New Hampshire, and I’d love to go back to each of them one day. I’ve also been to North Dakota, but don’t remember it very well, and I’ve spent at least a few hours each in Las Vegas and Salt Lake City, but not long enough to do much of anything.

08. An author that you have met recently, and whose works you want to continue to read. Not too long ago I took a writing class taught by April Halprin Wayland, who wrote the beautiful Jewish children’s book New Year at the Pier about the tradition of Tashlich on Rosh Hashanah. I’d definitely like to read more of her books, especially her Passover children’s book, More Than Enough. I’d love buy them for my little cousins on the Jewish side of my family.

09. Coffee or tea? Herbal tea. Rooibos chai is my favorite.

10. Who's your Doctor (if you don't watch Doctor Who, who's your favorite character from a TV series)? I couldn’t say. I don’t watch Doctor Who or much TV at all anymore. Let’s just say I love the main characters from all the TV shows I watched when I was little.

11. If you could just throw everything away and live your dream, what would you do? I’d buy a safe and luxurious self-driving RV (this is a fantasy, after all) and travel all over the US, living in a different place for a week, two weeks, or a month at a time. In this fantasy, there’s no pandemic going on, so I have the freedom to go anywhere. I’d visit every big city, every cozy small town, and every notable place of natural beauty, I’d go to the opera and see local productions of Les Misérables wherever I could. I’d visit my relatives whenever I liked. I’d present “Opera Quest” at a local school in each place I visited. But I’d also spend plenty of alone time in my RV, or in whatever hotel or inn I chose to stay in for a little while, and work on the books I’m writing, listen to music and meditate. There would be no pressure on me from anyone to do anything. That would be amazing.

12. If you could choose to be a character from a book, TV series or movie, who you would be? None. Some of them have nice lives, but they all have their problems too, and I’d rather keep my own problems than take on theirs.

13. What makes you not like a story? Characters we’re supposed to like being cruel and spiteful to each other and neither regretting it nor being properly called out for it. If their behavior is clearly supposed to be bad and treated as such within the story, it’s one thing. Even if they never regret their own behavior, that’s fine as long as the other characters call it out as bad. But when they don’t, I feel like the author is saying that anyone would be just as cruel and spiteful in that situation. That it’s no big deal, it’s just human nature and anything better would be unrealistic. I hate that.

14. Do you like romance in stories? Why? Yes, I do like it. Not if it’s badly written, but when it’s well written, I love it. I love watching two characters come to care so deeply for each other, fill each other’s deepest needs and bring each other happiness. Of course that happens with platonic love too, but romance is the way it most often happens in stories.

15. Which book did you hate having read? Well, I didn’t like having to read Candide as a college freshman, because despite all its humor, it’s cynicism depressed me. I was going through a stage where I was feeling overwhelmed by the world’s problems and had turned to idealistic spiritual beliefs to comfort myself, so I hated having to read a book that essentially said “Optimism is stupid, the world is a terrible place, there is no God and no good reason for anything, and all we can do is try to make the best of our individual lives.” (Yes, I know that’s a vast oversimplification of Voltaire’s philosophy – it just came across that way to me at the time.)

16. Which movie did you hate having watched? I’ve already mentioned The Mighty, above, so... another one... When I was seven or eight, I saw Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory for the first time, and I was very disturbed at the end by Wonka’s angry outburst about Charlie and Grandpa Joe stealing the Fizzy Lifting Drinks. Of course everyone can agree about how scary and mean Gene Wilder acts in that scene. But imagine how much worse it would be to an ultra-sensitive little kid on the autism spectrum, especially since I wasn’t expecting it. I had read the original book already, so the fates of the four bratty kids and the infamous boat scene didn’t phase me because I knew to expect them. But movie-Wonka’s final test is a movie-only addition, so I had no idea he was going to start screaming at poor Charlie, and to me at that age, an adult suddenly screaming in rage at a child was scarier than a child turning into a blueberry any day. Yes, it’s only a test, Charlie passes it and all ends happily, but it still upset me.

17. Do you like anime/manga? Any favorite? It all looks very nice, but apart from seeing Kiki’s Delivery Service and a few episodes of Pokemon as a kid, I haven’t experienced much of it. Maybe I should explore it more.

18. Who is the best villain you saw in a story? I don’t think I can choose just one from all the stories I know. For the best villain from Shakespeare and opera, I’d probably have to say Iago, because of how thoroughly effective his scheming and manipulation are. For the best Disney villain, I’d have to say Frollo, because of how horribly realistic he is: as an abuser of power, a racist, a religious bigot, a sexual predator, a psychologically abusive foster parent, and in the way he believes everything he does is holy and right. But there are so many good villains in all genres of fiction, choosing just one favorite is impossible.

19. If you could do an interview with any person, alive or dead, from our world, who would you choose and why? William Shakespeare. I have so many questions about his plays. They’ve all been interpreted in hundreds of different ways and I’d like to hear what his real intentions were when he wrote them. And for that matter, if he really did write all of them or if there’s any truth in the anti-Stratfordian theories.

20. If you could meet and and befriend a writer, who would it be? I just said Shakespeare, but I don’t want to repeat the same answer twice... Well, if that spirit medium was right, then I’ve already met and befriended three famous writers in a past life: Charlotte, Emily and Anne Brontë. Supposedly I spent “many hours” with all three of them, but was especially close to Emily. If that’s true, then I’d love to meet them again, do some catching up, and talk with them about the modern controversies surrounding their books... especially Wuthering Heights, which seems to defy easy interpretations of its characters and themes.

21. Cats or dogs? Dogs. I just adore them!

22. If you could choose any time period or society to live, which it would be? A year ago, I would have said “right here, right now.” But with this global pandemic taking place and the future of the world and of America in particular feeling so uncertain, I’ve changed my mind. I’d rather live in one of the fantasy worlds I’ve created: either the Sisterhood of Nira’s valley (the setting of my completed but unpublished novel An Eternal Crown) or Zalina Island (the setting of the Beauty and the Beast and Little Mermaid retellings I’m working on). Those places might have flaws of their own, but at least they’ve made social progress that this country hasn’t made, and they have magic too. If I could I’d move to one of them, at least until the pandemic is over and we have a new president.

I tag @simone-boccanegra, @astrangechoiceoffavourites, @nitrateglow, @thatvermilionflycatcher, @sunlit-music, @theheightsthatwuthered, @fairychamber, @wuthering-valleys

[nadiafm]

( camila morrone, cisfemale ) hey ! have you seen NADIA PEREZ around ? they work as a ICE SKATING INSTRUCTOR at big bear resort, but they must be off their shift by now. well, if you do see them can you let me know ? they’re 21 years old & they’ve been working here for 11 MONTHS. they tend to be +AMOROUS & +CONVIVIAL, but can also be -LICENTIOUS & -WARY. the other employees have labeled them THE ROMANTIC. thanks a lot ! gold hoops , floral mini dresses , pink lipgloss , overly dramatic eyeshadow , freckles specked across your nose , mascara running down your cheeks , tequila shots chased with salt and lime , lana del rey blasting in your headphones , mirror selfies , golden hour , glitter and rhinestones , blue raspberry dum dums , piled up books you keep forgetting to read.

hey y’all !! i’m so excited for this wow. i’m sam, i’m 22, and i live in pst !! i’m a sucker for cooking shows and dogs and candles. but more importantly...this is my freaking baby nadia, an absolute idiot with a heart of gold ! i already know this intro is going to be too long but bare with me i will include a tldr at the bottom i promise. also hmu on discord to plot ! capricornmom#1278

here is nadia’s pinterest & here is her playlist

aesthetics : gold hoops , floral mini dresses , pink lipgloss , overly dramatic eyeshadow , freckles specked across your nose , mascara running down your cheeks , tequila shots chased with salt and lime , lana del rey blasting in your headphones , mirror selfies , golden hour , glitter and rhinestones , blue raspberry dum dums , piled up books you keep forgetting to read

character parallels : jackie burkhart ( that 70′s show ) rachel green ( friends ) , cassie howard ( euphoria ) , brooke davis ( one tree hill ) , bianca stratford ( 10 things i hate about you ) , april ( palo alto ) , erica vandross ( flower ) , gigi & triple a ( booksmart ) , snooki ( jersey shore ) , jessica day ( new girl )

full name : nadia paloma perez

birthday : july 23, 1998

zodiac : cancer sun , pisces moon , pisces rising . god help this emotional ass girl

nationality : american 

religion : roman catholic

sexual & romantic orientation : bisexual , biromantic

hometown : aventura , florida ( 20 minutes outside of miami )

languages spoken : english ( fluent ) , spanish ( fluent ) , french ( still learning , takes it in school , somewhat conversational )

likes : candy ( sour punch straws , lollipops ) , watching soccer games ( messi stan till she dies ) , rex orange county , writing , magazines , making empanadas with her abuela , romantic comedies ( her fav is how to lose a guy in 10 days ) , tequila sodas , sex , lana del rey , chipotle burritos , iced chai lattes with almond milk from starbucks , gossip girl , craft beer , margaret atwood

dislikes : quinoa , nuts in things like salad or cookies , star wars , watching golf , oatmeal , church , screamo music , california ( a grudge ) , spoiled rich kids , condescending business majors , quentin tarantino ( and his avid fans )

BACKGROUND

Born and raised in South Florida, a little aways from Miami ! Her mother, Paloma, was an Adventura native while her father, Santiago, was an immigrant from Argentina. Her parents met in college when Paloma was studying abroad in Argentina. They fell in love, rather quickly, and the rest was history. They had planned on moving back to America together, but Santiago’s visa was denied. So, after only four months of knowing each other and 2.5 months of dating, they got married. 

Turns out sometimes you should know your partner better before getting married !! shocker right. It wasn’t so bad at first, though. They were young and in love and their honeymoon phase seemed to last forever, until it didn’t. 

By the time Nadia was born, they’d already begun to realize each other’s faults and flaws. Santiago was a good looking guy, and with his thick Argentine accent, he tended to come off as overly friendly and at times overtly flirty. Paloma was jealous and needy. It never seemed to mesh well when she thought her husband was flirting with every other mom in the neighborhood. 

So, for the majority of Nadia’s childhood, all she remembered from her parent’s marriage was them fighting. She had a close relationship with the both of them, though, and she was particularly close with her father. He was her biggest supporter !! Always hyping her up. He was the one signing her up for sports like soccer (they’re a huge soccer family, the only time her parents weren’t fighting was during Argentina games), gymnastics, dance, and ice skating. Her favorite was soccer, and her for most of her adolescent years, her dad coached her team. They formed a really close bond because of it. 

The marriage was sort of non exinsistant at this point, but in some sort of last attempt to salvage any love they might have had for each other, Santiago and Paloma had a baby. It was more Paloma’s idea than anything. Santiago, at that point, was only sticking around for Paloma. She was seven when her little sister was born, Caterina, and Nadia absolutely adored her. They may have been seven years a part, but they were the best of friends. 

When Nadia was twelve, she woke up with a note on her bed side table. It was from her father, and it read: “Nads, I’m so sorry I couldn’t say goodbye to your face. I wish I was stronger. I am so proud of you and I promise I will be in touch. Te amo. Papa” He hadn’t left anybody else a note, and not even a word to her mother. As close as she was to her mother and sister, she couldn’t help but blame them for her father leaving. Still, she was pretty certain she’d hear from him soon. That he’d come back once he cleared his head. Only, he didn’t. 

Word spread pretty fast around school about what had happened. Suddenly, Nadia was a charity case. PTA moms were coming up to her and offering to bring her lunch or dinner, if she needed it. She was the girl who’s dad left them high and dry. It didn’t help that on top of that, her body was going through changes much more rapidly than any of her friends. She already had gotten her period, and by the time she was in seventh grade she was wearing a D cup bra. So in addition to the sudden spotlight as the girl without a dad, boys started treating her differently. Boys that had never talked to her previously suddenly wanted to be her friend. In eighth grade, Hayden Walker rolled up a small piece of paper and shot it like a basketball into her cleavage. He high-fived his friends after and thanked her for the backboard.  

So middle school was rough. And while Nadia had had one or two boyfriends during that time, she’d never gone past kissing them. That’s not how the rumors went, though. That was the part that hurt the most. The things people said, especially the things girls said about her. Girls she thought were her friends. 

At the end of eighth grade, during the summer before high school, she got a text from her dad. The first one in 2 years! She’d idolized him her whole life, so obviously she was ready to forgive him as soon as she heard from him. He told her he was living in California and Nadia was like, I’m sold! Let’s go! Only her mother was like...are you fucking insane you are not going to California to visit that man. Long story short, she found a cheap cross country bus ticket and essentially ran away from home to see her dad! He was shocked she had come at all, despite his text message leading her to believe he wanted to see her. Apparently it was more of a courtesy text, a text so he could let go of the guilt of leaving an entire family behind. Because in the two years he’d been gone, he managed to start a new one. He had a new wife, and two newborn twins. 

Nadia was pretty furious, but she stayed the summer anyways. She had full intentions of starting high school in California and not going home to Florida. Things were tense at her father’s, though. Her “step mother” obviously didn’t like having her around, and though her bond with her father was slowly rekindling, there was still a sort of distance between them. But they were trying to make it work, at the very least. 

Then came the end of the summer. Nadia had made a few friends around the neighborhood, and was invited to an end of summer kickback with a bunch of high schoolers. Naturally, she lied about her age at the party. She was 14, but told everyone she was 16, and everyone seemed to overlook her baby face thanks to her ass and tits. At the end of the night, a boy drove her home, and the two ended up hooking up in the car. Apparently she had misjudged how much her father actually cared, because he’d waited up for her to come home, and after seeing car headlights out front, he’d stormed outside to find her in the car with a high school boy, half naked. After allowing her to gather her bearings, he essentially humiliated her right there on the front lawn, screaming about how irresponsible she was amongst other things. The majority of the conversation has since been blacked out from her mind, but she’ll never forget the look on her dad’s face when he said, “you’re nothing, you’re just like your mother, and i don’t want you anywhere near my family.”  whew !! ya girl was hurt.  

So, obviously, she was back on the way to mom’s ! Honestly at that point her mom wasn’t even mad at her for leaving she was just thankful she was back. 

GODDD okay this is getting long so I need to wrap this up. I haven’t even gotten to personality KJSHG Okay let’s wrap up high school in one bullet point. Basically she sub consciously searched for every man’s approval because she lacked the approval she needed from her father! This meant lots of boyfriends and never saying no. In her four years of high school, she was maybe single for a total of like ... seven months. not seven consecutive months lmao, 7 months in between relationships. 

one of those boys was connor perch, her first official boyfriend freshman year ! they were really sweet n young and nadia really thought she was in love. but then she gave him a blowjob and this mf recorded it ! and nadia found out after the fact, asked him to delete it, he said it was just for himself to look at, only to find out he’d sent it to his friends a few days later. so that basically set the precedent for how she’d be treated the next four years of high school ! she tried to act like it didn’t bother her but dang. high schoolers can be very mean !

oh my god i seriously have to wrap up okay this will be quick. basically when she was a senior in high school she went on a ski trip to big bear and met a boy named ethan, who she like fell in love with so fast like literally a week give it a rest girl. he was from Colorado but when she left they kept in touch and basically talked every day for the rest of the school year and throughout the summer. She’d decided to apply to Boulder University to be closer to him because this time it really felt like the real thing ! SURPRISE AGAIN ! She got to school and found out he had a girlfriend. She was really mf heartbroken over that. But did she learn her lesson? No. Does she still fall in love with anyone who looks in her direction? Yes. 

Okay and lastly she has been working all sorts of jobs throughout college because her mom is helping her pay for tuition and rent so she’s gotta cover spending money ! She ended up getting a job at Big Bear Resort during her last winter break as an ice skating instructor because she used to do ice skating back in the day. Now she works at Big Bear during her school breaks and on some weekends ! 

TLDR/Tidbits

Hopeless romantic with major daddy issues

Will overanalyze every interaction she has with anyone because she thinks they might like her

EXTREMELY GULLIBLE 

Probably will have a crush if you are even remotely nice to her 

Really dumb but means well. Literally no common sense. Complete bimbo

Cries A LOT. Complete crybaby. Happy or sad she’s probably crying

Heart of gold!! She really always means well even when she fucks up so bad I SWEAR her heart was in the right place 

Can outdrink anyone. She would drink a 6ft5in, 200 pound man under the table any day

Tequila is her choice of drink, but vodka is for her #sadgirlhours

Obsessed with Rosalía, Lana Del Rey, & Rex Orange County. And also 2010 bangers. Anything she can shake her ass to !

She pretty much used to exclusively wear mini dresses because when she realized everyone was just gonna sexualize her anyway, she was like FUCK IT, i’ll show my ass n titties n legs. Except it’s fucking like negative degrees in Colorado so she can’t do that ! Bummer. (she’ll still probably find ways to wear mini dresses)

Obsessed with makeup!! She loves doing adventurous things with eyeshadows and lipsticks  like ok euphoria 

Kinda crazy. Major crackhead vibes especially when she’s drunk! She loves going out, she’ll go out on a Tuesday, she just likes to have fun ok and dance on tables and make out with cute people

She’ll have a one night stand but just know for HER she’ll probably get attached. I’m so sorry it won’t last that long but she’ll pine for at least a week

ok that is all i’m so sorry for this shit show of an intro but here is a messy list of wc !

[notafightr]

i dont have any specific questions but id really love to hear any thoughts on It that youd like to share!!!

okay so i have a big note in my phone of all the things i thought to point out or write down from the most recent time I read the book (the past month or so) because the time I read it before this one I annotated the whole thing and I was just gonna chillax with this time but I realized I was still finding new things that I even didn't find when I annotated it and I wanted to remember them so yeah a lot of it isn't coherent bc I figured I'd be the only one to ever see it and I'm not gonna transcribe it so enjoy what makes sense

I think the first chapter is told by Georgie. at the very beginning of the chapter, the pronoun "I" is used for the first time, "so far as I know" and then again at the end of the chapter, for the LAST time in the book, "I do not know where [the boat] finally fetched up", where the rest of the book doesn't once use this first person kind of syntax. the entire book as I've analyzed before uses third person POV, in which it is third person but not limited to one character, following the emotions/thoughts/etc of several different characters at different points. the first chapter is the first, last, the ONLY chapter that takes the third person point of view of Georgie, as he dies so we do not see from him again. since this chapter is the only one we see as Georgie's point of view, and it's the only chapter that uses I as a pronoun, making it first person, it's not really third person, but more of Georgie's first chronological look back on the beginning of the story, starting with his first experience of the events of It. it's even further proven to be less of an omniscient narrator than that of an unknowing one, such as Georgie, when the story begins saying "The terror, which would not end for another twenty-eight years—if it ever did end—began, so far as I know or can tell, with a boat made from a sheet of newspaper floating down a gutter swollen with rain.". This quote contradicts everything we know and come to find out through the course of the story, which is that It has been an ever present being in Derry since the beginning of time. It did not begin in 1957, like this narrator believes, which makes it clear that this is not the same narrator we read from for the rest of the book. So all in all I think this is some spiritual version of Georgie, any amount of years after the story, perhaps 27 years, perhaps a hundred, telling what he knows to us, the reader.

WHAT IF ITS MATURIN MORE ON THAT LATER

"Arms can be symbols of strength and power. We use our arms to carry and lift and move things, but we also use them to protect ourselves and others. “Arms” may also be used to refer to weapons that attack, or as “armour” to defend."

eddie lost his arm protecting the others

some sort of parallel with Stephen and Adrian.. both writers, s straight a gay, s ditches things that take longer than a few months to write, a 12 years on one book

PENNYWISE REFERS TO ADRIAN AS DONS FRIEND—

richie49 251 Richardsalley485

mike67

eddiec 251 901

I just realized no kid was killed in their home I think? no Frederick Cowan was

IGMMS on nightmare on elm Street in chapter one

possible reshoots: one from book one from not

Audra bike ride

mummy

photo album

eddie corcoran

the bird

dead boys

photo album dos

fridge

final flood

I'm caught

literally refers to Eddie as queerboy

a phantom appeared in the form of an old man.

Stan "looked like the world's tiniest adult" Stan was said to have the soul of an old man. tragic when you think about his fate. phantom in the form of an old man could refer to stan

427 ocd

14 430 parallel

584 Richie adhd

all losers only child

maybe in the end it's the voice that tells the stories more than the stories themselves that matter

Bowers HELPED them defeat it by bringing them all together

"'The victim was a gay and rather childlike man name Adrian Mellon. He had a bad case of asthma.'

Eddie's hand stole out and touched the side of his aspirator." (see page 507)

I need not cite anywhere that Eddie is asthmatic, this is common knowledge. But if we go back a few pages, specifically page 493;

"[Eddie's] face was prematurely lined (although in his movements he seemed somehow younger than either Richie or Ben),"

What do these descriptions of Adrian and Eddie have in common? Descriptive of how they are childlike, compared to those around them, and that they are both asthmatic. Not shown above but also common knowledge to anyone who's read the book, they both have other parallels including their death (killed by pennwise/It in which one of their arms is torn off) as well as the fact that the only use of the phrase "my love" is from Don to Adrian and Richie to Eddie.

I know we all know their deaths and the fact that they're asthmatic sets up parallels between them, but I really wanted to acknowledge the fact that within just 14 pages of each other, Eddie and Adrian are BOTH labeled as childlike (in Eddie's case, at least in comparison to those around him) which I think is VERY purposeful. This makes Adrian's only significant trait not explicitly mentioned about Eddie, that he's GAY. Therefore, heavily implying Eddie is as well.

jesus christ

so you're telling me. when Eddie goes down the street Greta and the Tracker Brothers both live on when the seven split up after the chinese food meet up, that he reminisces both on Belch and Greta, two people who bullied him, looking back on when they would play a sport (Greta croquet in her backyard, and Belch baseball in the tracker Brothers field), and then sees Belch as the leper offer him a blowjob? like the original leper? and so you're telling me, a little after that he sees It taunt him again as Greta but in a non sexual way? so basically you're telling me, Eddie sees It as Belch and Greta back to back, who both serve essentially the same character type, paralleling themselves in Eddie's point of view, only difference being their gender, and you're telling me, It chooses to taunt him as the leper offering a blowjob in BELCH'S form? not Greta's? you're telling me all that? that It sexually taunted him as a boy instead of a girl? so basically you're telling me Eddie is gay and It knows it

singer/reddie parallel Richard Penniman Eddie Cochran

"the two up cards were both the ace of spades"

"most spiritual card in the deck"

"SEVENS SEEM TO SURROUND THIS ACE"

BRUH STAN

preconditions 526 619

624 foreshadows Eddie's death when It taunts Henry as the losers but not Stan or Eddie

bruh eddies sexuality is so repressed he don't even know it but Richie he knows something. he knows he likes Eddie. that world of it book says paul Bunyan represents the masculinity Richie is attracted to... literally though... like Richie doesn't tell anyone about it ONCE not even once he never tells ANYONE he only tells his first experience as the one with bill!!! wtf!

check page 959 of annotated copy

ok i think the fact that henry deliberately chose Eddie first to kill is absolutely foreshadowing his being the next death of the losers club, he could have gone to the closest one being Richie on floor two but he for some reason chose the one furthest up? ok worm

973 did kaspbrak have a wife? maybe that was a stupid thing to say.

huh I wonder why Henry would have any doubt that Eddie has a wife

THEN HE CALLS HIM A SKINNY LITTLE CREEP

WHATS THE NUMBER ONE REASON A HATEFUL MAN WOULD CALL ANOTHER HARMLESS MAN A CREEP

982 Henry literally calls Eddie a fag i

all the slurs henry uses are specifically geared toward a fact based trait of each loser

rocks symbolise strength and stability

very repeated through the book since the apocalyptic rock fight

I kinda don't like that Eddie's ability to navigate was so lately introduced seemingly as a plot device

thank god for small favors... he slapped eddies can....... z z. xxnejsm

ONE OF EDDIE CORCORANS ARMS WAS GONE IN ITS WEB!!!!! THE FORESHADOWING DOESNT STOP

spiders symbolize fear turtle symbolizes creator, persistence, endurance, longevity

1098 Eddie goes to Bev first because he's the most "frightened" he goes to her as he would go to a mother. he does this sexual act with a GIRL in a maternal context

send more questions and headcanons to my inbox!

[your-modern-shakespeare]

A Little Too Real: Epilogue

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 4.5, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 7.5, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 10.5, Part 11, Part 11.5, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14

Summary: RealityTV!AU- You are a wardrobe supervisor for a popular TV network. The show is planning a reality TV show like the bachelor and Bucky is the newest contestant. But as the competition starts he realizes that he doesn’t like any of the girls…on the show anyway.

Pairing : Bucky x Reader

Word Count: 16,355

A/N: Well...THIS IS IT! This has been such an emotional rollercoaster not only for these characters but for me too. This story is about three years of my life and I’ve been putting off ending it because it’s been a really hard week, but it’s time to share a happy ending for these characters. I want to thank everyone who has read and loved this story and supported me along the way. I couldn’t have done this without you so Thank you! But without further ado, I love you guys and Enjoy! (P.S. A completed masterlist will soon be posted with links to every chapter and some fun info about the series. 

Warnings: fluff, FLUFF, some sexy times and mentions of, maybe like a little angst but not really?, drinking, talk of drinking and being drunk, fluff?, I think that’s it, fluff

ONE YEAR LATER 

Y/N’S POV

I tried my hardest to sleep on the flight and yet my nerves and the time difference didn’t make it easy. 

This being my first full week off in over six months, you could definitely say that I was looking forward to it. Not to mention, I hadn’t seen Bucky in about 2 months...in person that is. This tour had been hard on me, harder than the last one. But I guess it was different when you knew you had someone at home waiting for you. 

But things were good with me and him. The distance definitely put a strain on our relationship, but we knew that coming from spending every second together to hardly seeing each other was going to be hard. This realization hit pretty early on. 

After the crew watch, Bucky and I had about two weeks together before I had to leave again. But like I had told him before, I had Monday off, so he took me to the hospital to FINALLY get my cast off and then to our redo first date...it was perfect and then we went on the date...I’m kidding of course. The date was everything I could have ever expected and more, he really pulled out all the stops. Not to mention he was there the next morning when I opened my eyes, which was the only thing I had been nervous about. 

He was also there for the opening night of the show, that next Tuesday, which he absolutely loved. We got to walk the “red carpet” beforehand, he got to watch the show, and then we got to go to the after party together. But the best part of the night was that we got to tell everyone that we were together, that we were a couple and that we loved each other. 

Yet, the real world came knocking the following Monday morning, and we couldn’t keep pushing off our inevitable flights. I was headed to Boston first and he was going back to LA. 

So over the next couple of months we Skyped at least once a week, talked almost every night, and texted probably way too much. But we had decided early on that even if it was just a fast call, that it was important to hear each other’s voices, that even if the text was good morning or goodnight, at least it was an easy way to feel connected to each other. The Skype date, though, was the most important out of all, this was not rescheduled or missed and was usually on Mondays because I was always and he had gotten them off too, so that there was no way we missed our date. It was nice that way. 

There was one Monday where Tony called him in to work, but the whole time he worked we were on our date. It was pretty fun that way because we liked to mess with Tony and make him feel bad that he had messed up our Skype date. But I had to admit it was nice to see Tony and I actually got to see a little bit of what Bucky was working on with this latest update of the arm. 

A lot of times we ended up talking about things that I didn’t understand but the way he spoke about his work just made me smile, because I could see how happy it made him. And ever since Tony had hired him on full time, now that he was done with the show, he seemed to be a lot happier. It really gave him the time to start exploring updates for the arm and he even began reaching out to other people about different limbs. Which I knew he had been excited about because he had been pushing to do projects like this even before we started dating. 

But this also meant that he spent a lot of time traveling like me. Where I was going to a new city every week or two, he spent a lot of time going back and forth between New York and LA, so did Tony. Fortunately this made me feel less guilty about having a place in New York when I wasn’t living there. I let friends stay there when they were in town or on vacation and whenever Bucky and Tony were there they were more than happy for an apartment over a hotel room. 

And then my first break came and God if I wasn’t excited for it. Bucky was in LA at the time so I stayed at his apartment and we had a million wedding type activities  to do with Peggy and Steve, seeing as this was the first time that I had been able to get more than one day off. Peggy, Steve, Wanda (who got engaged to Vision on their one year anniversary), Vision, Bucky and I had all had multiple Skype calls to discuss wedding details, before the break, but once my one week hit there seemed to be an explosion of wedding stuff to do. 

We had another engagement party, just a small event for the close friends that Peggy’s parents hadn’t thought to invite and other family members, like Bucky’s mom, who hadn’t been able to make the first party. We had a bridal shower where Steve and Peggy got a butt load of new stuff, mostly things for the kitchen and money from her family in the UK. We went to three different bridal salons both for Peggy’s dress and for the bridesmaid dresses. Then the following day I went to Steve’s morning suit fitting as well as Bucky and Michael’s, no matter how awkward that was, don’t even get me started. And even on top of all the wedding things, I still had a couple of days to spend completely alone with Bucky. 

Then it was back on the road for me. 

But it wasn’t nearly as bad this time around. Bucky and I had gotten used to our routine so that wasn’t hard to pick up again and being in Austin my first week back after the break, at the venue where this all started, felt almost like home in a sense. I got to talk to the people who I worked with before, I got to talk to some of my old theatre teachers, and I got to have a stress free week. It was just so nice to not have to worry about dressers that I didn’t know, in a theatre I had never been in, and a city that I knew nothing about. It was a great first week back because of it. It was the other five-ish months that were difficult. 

I grew to miss Bucky a little more everyday. We still had our calls and texts but it was harder after having spent a whole week seeing him, to suddenly see him so little. Not to mention, on top of working seven to nine shows a week, it depended on the city, I was helping Peggy plan her wedding. That meant that I was usually on a Skype call with Peggy, her mom, the wedding planner, and Wanda, picking out flowers, invitations, cake design, caterers, a band/or DJ, and pretty much everything else that was aesthetics and essential for a wedding. Of course, we also talked about the guest list, which was very long, when to put in fittings for the dresses, per my expertise, who to book for hair and makeup, which airline to use for flights, and anything else that I probably would have never thought of. It was all a little overwhelming. 

So as the next couple of months passed this became the new routine. Talking to Bucky, talking to Peggy and her wedding planning committee, and then working a lot of shows, while I bounced around from city to city. You could say that as the less and less sleep I got the more I started to regret taking this job. 

Don’t get me wrong, I loved this show. I loved the people I worked with and the musical itself was something that I surprisingly never got tired of...but like I said, it was hard to be away from the people I loved. 

So when I hit my next week long break it was off to the UK for me. Two months since seeing Bucky, six months since seeing Peggy, Steve, Wanda and Vision (who so easily joined our friend group and became just as essential), and my first time ever being in the UK, it was a little crazy. And I was exhausted. 

I wanted to try and sleep a little more than I did on the flight but, I don’t know, being in the air made it hard. I was also overthinking EVERYTHING.

Where would I have to go to get my luggage, would I take a taxi to Peggy’s parent’s home or would I just go straight to the venue, would she be there to pick me up or would someone else be there, and when would I see Bucky? 

So with all of that to think of, sleep didn’t come so easy. 

But when I heard that we were starting our descent into Heathrow, I perked up a bit. I was beyond excited to get off this plane and I knew that at the very least I wasn’t but an hour from seeing Bucky again. 

So we landed and everyone on the plane grabbed their things. I had one small carry on which had my bridesmaid dress in it, I did the alterations myself seeing as it was too difficult to get a fitting in while I was stopped in one of the cities, and an outfit or two, just in case my luggage was lost. That was another thing I thought about too. 

But for now I focused on getting off the plane and into the airport. 

I waited in line to get off and made my way inside the airport and through the gate. Already I could feel a little bit of the stress that I had been thinking about on the flight. But like I did with every other airport I had been to, I followed the signs to baggage claim and I waited for my other bag to come out. As I stood there and watched all the other passengers get their bag I started to feel a little worried that mine wasn’t going to come out. But before I had the chance to investigate further, I felt a tap on my shoulder. 

I turned around and as soon as my eyes registered what they were seeing, I felt two very different things. One was relief because out of my peripheral vision I could see my luggage, and the second was complete excitement because standing before me was Bucky.

I dropped my bag, immediately jumped into his arms, and kissed him senseless. I didn’t care about the people around us or the fact that Steve and Peggy both were standing behind us, I just focused everything on Bucky and the fact that I hadn’t seen him in what felt like forever, hadn’t actually felt him in just as long. When he pulled away, I just wrapped him in my arms, not quite ready to let go of him. 

“I missed you so much.” I whispered in his ear. 

“I missed you too.” He said back to me, not letting me go, but setting me back on the ground. 

“I love you.”

“I love you.” I kissed him one more time before actually letting him go. I picked up my bag from the floor and handed it to Bucky before going over to Steve and Peggy, giving them hugs too. 

“Our hello wasn’t nearly as good as Bucky’s.” Peggy said to me sarcastically mid hug. 

“I guess I should have said hello to you first then?” I asked, moving to Steve for a hug. 

“Nah, I guess boyfriends can be greeted first.” I laughed at the two of them and then we headed out of the airport. 

In the car, Steve and Peggy were in front and Bucky and I were in back, and as much as I wanted to talk to Bucky and catch up with him, it was hard to when I was so curious about the city and all of the things to see. Luckily he caught on and started to give me fun facts about the city and all of the things that he recognized from when he lived here. 

And then about an hour later we pulled into a driveway which led to a beautiful, very old and traditional home. Out front stood Peggy’s parents along with one other person who I hadn’t met. Being the gentleman that he was, Bucky opened my door for me and assisted me out of the car before grabbing my luggage. As he did that, I went over and greeted Peggy’s parents and they introduced me to Mrs. Langdon, the housekeeper. And by housekeeper I mean the head honcho of the place, at least on the female side, and by that I mean they had a full staff for this house, which astounded me. Honestly when I thought the Carters had money, I didn’t think it would be so much that they were practically Downton Abbey, but they pretty much were. 

Anyway, Mrs. Langdon gave me a tour of the “estate” as she called it and eventually brought me to my shared room with Bucky, where he was already waiting for me. 

I spent a little time getting settled in, unpacked some of my stuff, took my bridesmaid dress out of my bag, and sooner than expected I had passed out next to Bucky on the bed. We may have done something else before passing out but no one else needed to know about that.

But back to the wedding...Over the next couple of days we did a lot of different things. We had hair and makeup appointments with our team so that we could finalize our wedding looks; the boys went and got proper haircuts. Steve and Peggy finalized the head count which pretty much finished everything with the caterers and vendors. We finished making the playlists for the DJ and we went over the music for the band one more time. I went ahead and steamed or pressed everyone’s dresses, suits, trousers, and shirts, at the least I knew that Peggy’s dress would need the time to completely dry, so it was good I did it ahead of time. And then we got to the last two days before the “big day.”

So, with the aroma of a hangover lingering in the thoughts of my future, I woke up to the day of Peggy’s bachelorette party. We had decided to give us a day between the bachelorette party and the wedding because I knew that Peggy would want to go kind of crazy and we didn’t really want to feel un-functionally terrible the day of her wedding. So with that in mind, Wanda and I had to do a lot of research on amazing places to go and things to do...in a country that we had never been to before. Easy, right?

But anyway, we decided to start the day off slow and gradually build up to the crazy-drunk night that Peggy had imagined her bachelorette party being. So we let her sleep in a bit, went out for Brunch at her favorite cafe, got mani/pedis, and then went shopping for a look to go out on the town in. 

We were searching through the racks of a dress store in the city and Peggy peeked through the dresses to where I was looking on the other side of her rack. 

“So when are you and Bucky getting hitched?” 

“Haven’t I answered this question enough for you?” I responded, pulling a dress out and laying it over my arm. 

“I’m going to keep asking until it happens. You know that right?” Wanda just laughed at us. 

“And I will always give you the same answer. When he asks you’ll probably be amongst the first to know. Not that it’ll happen anytime soon but…”

“What makes you think it won’t? You two have been together longer than Wanda and Vision have and they’re already engaged.”

“First, that’s not true. We were friends when those two started dating. And second—”

“Friends.” They both said and put in air quotes. I ignored it. 

“Second...I’m still on tour for another six months. It would be impractical to try and plan a wedding in the middle of tour madness. We hardly get to see each other as it is, but could you imagine me showing up to bridal shower or an engagement party after not having seen him in months.”

“Are you trying to say that your reunion would be too inappropriate? Just get a room beforehand and it’ll be fine.” Wanda finally chimed in. 

“I’ll even fix you hair for you before the party.” Peggy said. 

“You guys are so embarrassing. I’m just saying that I’m not sure it’s going to happen anytime soon. I would be excited if it did happen, we talk about getting married and we try and make plans, but it just isn’t in the immediate future. Right now I have the tour and he has his newest project with Tony, not to mention the actual reason we are here in a dress store right now. We should be really focused on your wedding.”

“I’m just talking shop. I’m pretty sure that’s what we’re supposed to do at these bachelorette parties.”

“You may have a small point, but let’s talk about wedding things. What about you Wanda, what’s happening with your planning?”

Directing the attention away from me was exactly what we needed to get this dress shopping back on track. The wedding planning sped things up believe it or not, not only did the three of us find a look for tonight, Wanda a beautiful red velvet dress, Peggy a gorgeous white jumpsuit , and for me a stunning pants/tank combo, but now Peggy wanted to stop by a bridal salon and have Wanda try on some wedding dresses. I mean, when would she ever have another chance to try on gowns that hadn’t been made in America?

So, of course, we had to Skype with her twin brother, Pietro, he was technically the only family she had left and he had practically threatened us about getting to help pick out the dress. She ended up falling in love with one but decided that she would have to come back later to figure out the logistics of ordering it and getting it back to LA. And as any best friend would, I offered to do the alterations as soon as the tour was over, to help offset the costs, which she was relieved to hear. 

After we were done at the bridal salon, we quickly stepped in to a shoe store, Peggy telling us that we obviously needed new shoes to go with our new dresses; it was crazy how much I had bought for this wedding, it was a never ending shopping spree.  We had even purchased a bride-to-be sash for Peggy to wear out, which she absolutely loved. But anyway, with shoes and dresses in hand, we went back to the hotel room we got for the night and started to get ready for the crazy part of the night. And with hair done up, makeup sponged on, dresses in place, and shoes strapped up we made our way to dinner. 

Peggy chose this nice restaurant that apparently Steve had actually shown her while he was living in London and helping take care of Bucky after his accident. And knowing how well Steve treats Peggy, the place definitely lived up to his standards. Everything was delicious and even though the place was nicer than most restaurants it was actually really nice to experience a piece of their relationship that was so simple and down to earth. But with dinner soon done and plenty left to do tonight, we left the restaurant. 

The funniest thing about Peggy’s idea for a bachelorette party, was definitely the research materials she used to give us ideas. Mostly from movies, her ideal party was definitely out of line for the Peggy we had come to know and love. Of course, Wanda and I had to veto a lot because we had concluded pretty early on that some of things listed were things that the three of us would never be comfortable with; for instance, like going to a strip club. But one that we stuck with, because at the very least it was the most harmless out of the ideas, was going out to a nightclub. We weren’t entirely sure if she would like this place, but we had a back up if she didn’t. 

Peggy, much like Steve and Bucky, was an old soul. And despite the pop/modern music they played at the parties they hosted, it wasn’t ever too loud that you couldn’t hear what the other people were saying. Which was exactly the case when we stepped foot into this club. 

There was a DJ at the front of the room playing some song that we had never heard of and the dance floor was packed with people jumping around, poorly dancing and even some obscene couples. But ignoring that, Peggy pulled us over to the bar and ordered each of us a drink to kick off the idealized night. 

We sat at the bar for maybe a few minutes before a group of guys, seeing Peggy’s sash, dragged us over to their table. They were all very nice to us, they asked us about our boyfriends and we asked about theirs, which struck up some great conversations. We even, bravely, got up and danced for a bit and the guys bought us drinks...way too many drinks. After awhile I cut myself off because I was already feeling pretty out of it and it wasn’t even eleven. That and I was also getting sleepy and alcohol would only make that worse. So when we were done dancing and back at our table I hung out with Peggy and Wanda and the guys, but I think they were catching on to just how tired I was starting to become. 

Peggy came and plopped down next to me, very ungracefully climbing over anyone who was in her way, Wanda following very stably.

“You’re not having fun.” She slurred. 

“What? Of course I am!”

“You’ve been staring at the wall for like five minutes.” Wanda said.

 “It’s not because I’m not having fun.”

“What else could it be?” Peggy got closer to me. 

“Well...the time difference has really messed with me and I get sleepy when I’m tipsy, you can ask Bucky. And for some reason I really want some tacos. Do they serve tacos here? Like good street tacos, not like Jack-in-the-box tacos, but like good authentic street tacos?”

“I’m not sure if they serve those here.” Wanda decided, not really seeing any food around here. 

“But you’re lucky I picked some up along the way.” I heard from behind me and turned to see Bucky standing there with a bag of food in hand. “You’re also lucky that I know you so well.” He handed me the bag of food and I pulled him down closer to me so I could kiss him. 

“What are you doing here?” He walked around and sat down beside me, both Wanda and Peggy going to talk to Vision and Steve. 

“Peggy is...very drunk and she’s been texting Steve all night, he was worried about her.”

“Well it’s sweet of you guys to come and hang out with us, didn’t mean to spoil your night.”

“Seeing our girls could never spoil the night, not that I’m saying we weren’t having fun. We had the whole day away from each other, so why not spend the night together?”

“I like that.” 

So for the next couple of hours we danced and we talked with the guys who were all very jealous of just how stunning our boyfriends were. Bucky and I didn’t do any more drinking and as the night went on I got out of my little funk and had a great night. 

Peggy and Steve, though, were the first to bow out. She was definitely drunk and Steve was ready to take her back to the hotel. But as soon as the bride and groom were gone it was a gradual departure for the rest of our group. Vision, Wanda, Bucky and I all went back to the hotel but had to get separate rooms since we had only gotten one for the night; a King size bed would have fit three girls, not six people. We didn’t really get into our room until three in the morning but after that I’m pretty sure it was the fastest I had ever fallen asleep. 

The following morning...I wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought I was going to be. But Bucky and I had had a plan to keep the both of us from getting too sick. The trick: vodka and you know what’s interesting about vodka...it’s clear...like water. And with Peggy so out of it, she never caught on to the fact that Bucky and I weren’t wasted. 

I just didn’t want any of this weekend to be tainted by being sick, or blacking out, or even a hangover. And honestly I kind of figured that Peggy would feel the same but then again the pressure she was under from her family and the wedding planner alone and add on top of it all living at home during all of this, would probably make me drink that much too… if I had any of that I mean.

But anyway, because the only thing we had to do today was greet the guests who were staying at the castle and have dinner with Peggy’s family, Bucky and I got to spend the day together; apparently they don’t do rehearsals for weddings in the UK or like a big family rehearsal dinner. It was really important to me to have a day like this because I needed to spend as much time with him as I could before I had to go back on the road. 

So we started the morning off with Breakfast and then Bucky showed me around London like a proper tourist. We saw everything that anyone would see if they took a week long vacation in London. 

We stopped at every London landmark, taking countless pictures, and just enjoying our time alone together. He really treated me like a princess, making sure that I had an absolutely amazing day. And it was...a perfect day with the perfect man; I couldn’t have asked for anything more. So with a good mood set for the day we headed over to the venue. 

Out of every single detail selected for the wedding, the venue was by far the most insane and the most extravagant. And by extravagant I mean that they were getting married in a castle... A CASTLE! Talk about a literal dream come true. From what I was told, the place had been completely rented out for the entire weekend, so if that wasn’t a huge reminder of just how rich the Carter’s were, then I don’t know what else would have been. 

But with the castle being about 2 hours from where we were, and us being about 2 and half hours from when Peggy wanted us to meet downstairs so that we could start greeting people, I decided to do my makeup in the car and then Bucky and I would just change once we got into our room. The only problem with my plan had been Bucky thinking he was funny when he swerved the car on purpose, obviously trying to mess me up; he thought he was so cute. He’s just lucky that the end of my eyeliner was far enough away from me that it didn’t do nearly as much damage as it could have; I had a little mark on my cheek that I had to fix. He got a pretty good laugh anyway, but I had the rest of the drive to think of a proper payback. 

About thirty minutes after Bucky’s prank, we pulled up in front of this gorgeous castle, absolutely picturesque, and ogled just a moment before a few people, who I could only assume worked there, came and grabbed our things from the car, parked the car for us, showed us to our room and then left us alone. 

With little time left until we had to meet up with Steve, Peggy, Wanda, and Michael, Bucky went into the bathroom first and I took my dress and Bucky’s suit out of their garment bags, giving them a quick glance over for any wrinkles. When I couldn’t find anything too major, I went ahead and tried to do something with my hair, not really having the time to do too much to it. 

Yet, Bucky had had plenty of time to shower and dry his hair, so when he came out of the bathroom, he was looking as handsome as ever and I thought that maybe now was a good time to get back at him. 

So I was sitting on the bed looking at him and he walked over to his bag, going to grab clean clothes to change into. He easily caught on to me. 

“See something you like?” He said, smiling at me. 

“I don’t know, I guess it would depend on what you would do if I said yes.”

“Y/N...you are playing with fire…” 

“What are you going to do about it?” He made his way across the room, dropping the clothes that were in his hands, and grabbing me in his arms before kissing me hard. 

It’s been a little over a year since our first kiss and yet he still had that way of kissing me that just made me melt in his arms, physically and emotionally swoon. Yes, I was trying to get payback for earlier but where I had planned to tease him all night and make him regret messing with me, this plan was now seriously backfiring against my will to say no to him. 

And as it usually did, the kiss developed a lot further than just a kiss. He was already naked from the shower and he was making quick work of the clothes I had been wearing. He just made me feel as if I was the only person in the world that mattered, like time completely disappeared when he kissed me, like we had no where else to be. Which actually did remind me that we had somewhere to be. 

His lips moved down to my neck giving me, most likely, the only chance to interrupt this and get downstairs on time. 

“Bucky…” I tried to stop him. 

“God, you’re so beautiful.” His lips on my skin felt like Heaven, a heaven I really didn’t want to ignore, but...

“Oh God, Bucky we can’t do this.” He pulled away from me and looked at me, his lips only an inch away from mine. 

“Do you want me to stop?” I had wanted to get payback for what he did earlier...but I also missed him so much over the past two months that I never wanted him to stop. 

“No.” I closed the inch between us and pulled him closer to me. He took full advantage of this and kissed me as if he was seeing me for the first time all week; kissing him like this made the whole world fall away.

That is until we heard the knock at the door. 

“I don’t want to particularly know, but I think I can guess what you two are doing in there, and guests are going to get here any second, so..." We heard Steve say outside our door. 

Bucky fell beside me on the bed, letting me sit up and take a second to re-adjust the little that I still had on. I got off the bed first and went over to where our clothes were hanging. Bucky groaned before he too got off the bed, grabbing his boxers from the floor and putting them on, and then came over to get dressed. I took the dress off my hanger and slipped it over my head, then turned to Bucky so that he could zip it up. As he buttoned up his shirt and put on his pants, I tied his tie for him and as I fixed my lipstick, he put on his tie and jacket. Last, we both sat on the bed and put on our shoes, Bucky, obviously, taking a little longer than me. When we were ready to leave the room, he grabbed my hand and leaned down to give me one last kiss. 

“I love you.” He said. 

“I love you.” 

We made our way to the door and opened it to see Steve standing there waiting for us. Bucky let me out first, like the gentleman he was, and yet he glared at Steve the whole time. 

“Perfect timing as ever Steve.”

“You knew what time you needed to be downstairs.”

He walked off in front of us and we followed after him, letting him lead us through the castle, back downstairs. As we walked though, Bucky let go of my hand and walked behind me, trying his best to apparently smooth out my hair that he had messed up, something that I had missed earlier when we were getting ready. 

Not being too far away from where everyone else was, we joined the group quickly, beating the first guest. Bucky grabbed my hand again, standing in line next to Wanda, Peggy and Steve, Michael was on the far side, as far away as he could be from me. 

(Side note: at the bridal shower we had thrown for Peggy and Steve, Michael volunteered to come over from London to bring the Carter family gifts. Somehow he thought it was a good idea to kiss me, “because he was still in love with me,” which resulted in Bucky punching him. Bucky was just being civil now for Peggy’s sake, but he really hated Michael...so we both just kept our distance from him...as much as possible.)

Anyway, the first guest to arrive was actually Peggy’s grandmother and grandfather and a few other members after that, but seeing all of Peggy’s family actually made me kind of sad. Not because Peggy’s family was here, they were great and loved seeing Peggy and Steve right as they arrived, but because Steve didn’t have anyone. Everything that I had been told about Steve’s family was simple, his mother and father had both passed, they were both only children, and Steve was an only child. I didn’t know anything about his grandparents but apparently, neither did he. He seemed okay though about having only Peggy’s family at the wedding, he would always do anything for her. It just made me sad not to see anyone there for him. 

And yet, a few minutes later, unexpectedly, Winnie walked in. She went to Steve first and I just watched how incredibly happy he was. Bucky and Steve had grown up together, they had practically been brothers and when Steve’s dad died, it was Bucky’s mom who helped his mom out and the same when Bucky’s dad died. And when Steve’s mom got sick and died, it was Winnie, Bucky, and Peggy who had helped him through. So I could see how much it meant to him that she came for the wedding. 

After she said hi to Steve and Peggy, she came over to Bucky and I. 

“Hi mom.” He said, giving her a big hug. 

“My baby! You look so handsome.”

“You can thank Y/N for this one, she knows how to make me look my best.”

“Y/N.” She came over to me and gave me an even bigger hug, didn’t think that was possible. 

“Hi Winnie. I had no idea you were coming, but I’m so glad you’re here.”

“I know. Peggy called me and asked if there was any way I could make it. She said that she knew that it was a long way for me to come but that it would mean a lot to Steve, so of course I had to come.”

“If we had known you were coming, we would have come and picked you up.” 

“Yeah mom, we absolutely would have picked you up.”

“You guys are so sweet, but I didn’t want to interrupt your week together by making you pick me up from the airport. I know you crazy kids haven’t seen each other in a while.”

“Well, either way I’m glad you’re here.”

“I’m glad I’m here too.”

His mom went off with some of the other guests and we finished greeting whoever came in. Later when we walked throughout the house we saw that tea had been served and that we were pretty much stuck in a modern picture of Downton Abbey. Bucky and I liked to just wander around the room, tea cups in hand, and listen in on how Peggy’s family talked to each other. It was really just like an episode of Downton Abbey, except it was 2019. 

And then we went to dinner. This wasn’t anything official for the wedding, it was just dinner. But coming from America where it was normal to have a rehearsal dinner it kind of felt like that but there wasn’t really any official talk about the wedding. 

The food was amazing though. There were a lot of different courses, appetizers I had never tried before, a main course that was cooked to perfection, and dessert that was so decadent that I almost didn’t want to eat it. 

Later Bucky and I were sitting on a couch in the main room, while Peggy and Steve were off somewhere, probably talking to her family. 

“Bucky?”

“Yes?”

“Thank you for today.”

“You don’t need to thank me for anything. Showing you around London was my pleasure.”

“I had a lot of fun.”

“I did too.” He leaned down and gave me a kiss, not too long but long enough for his mom to come over to us and interrupt. 

“You two are just the cutest; perfectly made for each other.”

“Thanks mom. It’s honestly all Y/N, she brings out the best in me.”

“And he’s the perfect gentleman who treats me like a queen.”

“Well I’m glad everything that I taught him has stuck.”

Sitting next to us, she asked a lot of questions about my job, what I was up to, the places I had visited and of course when the tour was over. I think she was trying to convince the two of us to get married and yet she was so indirect about it, it was kind of ingenious the way she brought it up; like an ambush but so innocent and motherly. 

But as it got later Peggy and Steve started showing people to their rooms which gave Wanda, Vision, Bucky and I the perfect time to head to bed ourselves. While Bucky and I were walking to our room I texted Peggy letting her know that we were heading to bed and that she could text me if she needed anything. 

I had every intention of going to bed as soon as we got in the room, Bucky...not so much. As soon as the door was shut and locked behind me he was kissing me senseless, like we hadn’t been interrupted earlier. 

“I’ve been thinking about you all night.” He said between kisses, slowly backing me up towards the bed. “You just looked so beautiful in this dress.” 

“So what are you going to do about it?” He smiled and laughed at the statement I had said to him earlier. 

He kissed me again, this time going for the zipper on the back of my dress, I started to undo his tie and the buttons of his shirt, both of us getting completely undressed without breaking our kiss. This time when we kissed though, it wasn’t nearly as rough as it had started. There wasn’t a pressure there had been this afternoon, there wasn’t a possibility of being interrupted, nothing but him and me just so wholeheartedly loving each other. It was perfect, being with him was perfect. 

And yet, the morning of the wedding came much earlier than planned. And by that I mean that Peggy snuck into our room, both Bucky and I only covered by a sheet, and woke me up before the sun was even up. She kept whispering about how we needed to get started on everything and I could obviously tell how nervous she was, but I was also naked and not in any position to talk about this without fear of flashing my best friend. 

So I asked her to give me five minutes and that I would meet her out in the hallway. I wanted more than anything to snuggle back up to Bucky and sleep until at least the sun was up, but I couldn’t leave Peggy out in the hallway when she was freaking out. So I gently woke up Bucky and let him know what was happening, gave him a kiss goodbye, got dressed, and quietly walked out of the room. Peggy was pacing and Wanda was leaning against the wall, obviously waiting for me. 

“What’s wrong Peggy?” I asked, stopping in front of her, making her stand still and look at me. 

“There’s just so much to do and I woke up this morning with countless emails from my clients and I want to answer them but its my wedding day and I shouldn’t be thinking like a lawyer. And then I was sitting in my bed all alone and I was just thinking about things like, what if the flowers don’t get here and what if the bakers drop the cake and what if—”

“Okay, you need to stop. You’re assuming the worst possibilities because you’re stressed.” We decided that maybe we shouldn't talk in the middle of a hallway full of bedrooms where everyone was sleeping, so we walked down to Peggy’s room. 

“That’s the thing, I’m not stressed—”

“Peggy do you know what time it is?” Wanda asked. We sat down on her bed. 

“I wasn’t able to sleep that well.”

“Listen to me...everything is going to be fine. Despite what your mother and wedding planner have told you, today is not about the wedding, it’s about you and Steve. When you look back at this day you’re not going to think about the flowers or the cake, you’re going to think about how happy Steve made you and how grateful you are to have found someone as amazing as him. And I don’t know if this is just stress or fear or what but I think the biggest thing you’re facing right now is not being close to Steve.” I would know. 

“I’ve been away from Steve for more than one night.”

“I’m sure you have been, but take it from someone whose been in a long distance relationship for over a year, when you feel lost and scared and stressed you don’t want to be alone. You don’t want to be half way across the country or even just down the hall from him when you feel like you need him, even if it’s just for a hug or to tell him how much you miss him.”

“Yeah.” 

“I think that maybe when it’s a better time of day, I’ll go and talk to Steve and see if maybe we could do a little blindfolded meet up, I think it’ll help with what you’re feeling.”

“Really? That’s not breaking the rules is it?”

“No, as long as you don’t see each other it should be fine.”

“I think that’ll really help.”

“Good. So what do we need to do?”

“I think we should try and go back to sleep for a bit, I’m sorry for waking you guys up so early.”

“Well we can stay in here with you and that way you won’t feel so alone.” Wanda suggested. 

“I think that’s a good idea.” I agreed.

“A mini sleepover, yeah, I would love for you guys to stay.” 

So we all cuddled together in her bed and went back to sleep for a couple more hours, and when we were woken up this time, we all seemed to be in a much better mood. That is until we realized that it was Peggy’s mother and the wedding planner, who were now just in the room to talk and keep us from falling back to sleep. 

They kept talking about everything we needed to do today and I could see the stress start to creep back into Peggy. So I texted Bucky, I needed to get these two together even if it was just for a minute. 

Y/N: Are you awake?

BUCKY: I am 

Y/N: Are you with Steve?

BUCKY: Yep

Y/N: We need to try and sneak Peggy over to see him

BUCKY: Is she okay?

Y/N: She’s just needs to see him. Trust me 

BUCKY: What can I do?

Y/N: I just need you to find something to blindfold him with and I’ll let you know when we can escape her mother. 

BUCKY: Okay

So as we started to get ready for the day, I looked for any chance for us to sneak off. But first we had to deal with her mom, which meant we had to play along until there was an opening. So we all took our turns showering, letting Peggy go first, and meeting up with her and the hair and makeup teams, as soon as we were done, in a bigger room down the hall. It was nice to be pampered on, to not have to worry about how I was going to do my hair or makeup, there was someone for that. Surprisingly, the longer we sat there the less stressed I felt, but I could tell that Peggy wasn’t feeling the same. 

So when her mom got word of some kind of problem with the flowers, I saw the perfect chance to escape. So I texted Bucky first and asked where he was, letting him know we were on our way. I grabbed the blindfold we had and the three of us snuck down to the boy’s room, putting the blindfold on Peggy before I knocked. When I knocked, I heard some movement and we had to wait a minute before Bucky opened the door for us. The three of us obviously looked like we were getting ready, you know, we had clips in our hair and parts of our makeup done, but the boys looked like they were just lounging around...I was kind of jealous. 

But anyway, Wanda and I helped Peggy into the room and over to Steve who was standing blindfolded by the bed. When she grabbed onto his arms and felt that it was him, she wrapped her arms around him and his around her, we could all see the immediate relief they felt to be close to each other again. So wanting to give them a minute, Vision, Wanda, Bucky and I went to sit on the couch on the opposite side of the room, Michael just sat in the chair in the corner of the room and ignored us; Vision should have been a groomsman but Peggy was scared that she would never hear the end of it if Michael wasn’t one, so Vision was there to hang out with the guys and help keep the peace between Bucky and Michael. 

I sat next to Bucky with my legs draped over his lap and he leaned down to give me a kiss. 

“Missed you this morning.” He said. 

“I missed you too. Peggy was freaking out and she needed some help, I couldn’t say no to her. I’m just glad we were able to sneak over here, who knew that flowers would cause an emergency? I thought we were never going to get her mother to leave.”

“Yeah and I’m sure when they get down there and check all the flowers, they’ll find that everything is perfectly fine.” That sounded fishy to me. 

“What did you do?”

“Steve was freaking out too. You presented a good idea but I knew that there had to be some way to get Amanda to leave the room…”

“You...are sneaky.”

“I would do anything for Steve and they needed to see each other.”

“Sap.”

“You’ve made me this way, loving you made me this way.”

“Then I’ve got nothing to complain about.”

We only had 10 minutes together before we had to get back to the room. I could tell that Peggy was feeling much better and looked excited to get ready and get down to the “altar.” So the ladies picked up where they left off and her mom came back into the room, claiming that everything was perfectly fine; I tried not to laugh, but I smiled at the thought of what Bucky did to help out his friends. 

But as time passed and as we got closer to the start of the ceremony, I could tell that Peggy was getting a little nervous again. There wasn’t much we could do at this point but encourage her and let her know that she would see Steve soon. 

Somewhere between the freaking out, getting ready, and the mimosas, we actually got to the final fifteen minutes before we were supposed to make our way to the ceremony room. So Wanda and I went ahead and got into our matching dresses and then went to help Peggy into hers. 

Peggy’s dress was...stunning and absolutely special. See, when Steve’s mom got married it had been a tradition in her family to incorporate the “something blue” into the gown. Steve’s mom had had a light blue petticoat underneath her dress when she married his dad and Peggy knew that the best way to honor his mom was to continue the tradition. She took that same petticoat and asked the alterations team from her bridal shop to incorporate it into her dress, which only made the dress that much more special.

So with dresses, heels, and bouquets in place the wedding planner came in and told us that everyone was ready for us and since the ceremony was inside the castle we didn’t have to go very far. I was so excited to finally see Peggy and Steve get married, but even I had to admit that as we got closer to the ceremony space the more nervous I got. I wasn’t nervous about them or their marriage, more about the fact that I was walking down the aisle by myself. 

But I pushed those feelings aside and held up Peggy’s train as we made our way down the stairs, stopping right outside the ceremony room, where Peggy’s dad waited for us (He got a little teary when he saw her in her dress, it was really cute). Despite the fact that we maybe only had a minute until we walked down the aisle, I turned to the girls and wrapped them both in my arms. 

They both just laughed at me but hugged me back just as hard. 

“You know, the next time we’ll hug like this you’ll be Mrs. Rogers.” I whispered. 

“I know.” Peggy let go first and dabbed at her eyes, wiping a tear away before it fell. 

“Let’s do this.” Wanda said and we all smiled. 

The wedding planner watched as the ceremony started and then put us in our order, getting us ready to go; Peggy and Steve wanted as much of an American wedding as they could get: the only things they got were Peggy walking down the aisle last, Steve facing Peggy as she walked and an additional wedding cake to go along with the fruitcake. From where I stood, I could see that Peggy’s mom was seated in the first row to the left, Bucky’s mom in the first row to the right, Steve was standing at the end of the altar and Bucky and Michael, all three guys in gorgeous morning suits, were just now walking to their seats. I was the next one to walk down, Wanda following after me and then Peggy and her dad after her. 

So as soon as the guys were seated to the right, I took in a deep breath and put all my faith in myself to not trip down the aisle. I smiled, I looked right ahead, I walked with as much grace as I could muster and then I caught Bucky looking at me with a big smile on his face. And it was as if every worry I ever had simply disappeared. I looked at him as long as I could and then I sat down next to Peggy’s mom, Wanda being beside me soon after. 

And then small quartet started to play Canon in D.  

Everyone stood from their seat and turned to face Peggy as she finally stepped into view. She looked even more gorgeous walking beside her dad, with the huge grin on her face and her eyes locked on Steve. I looked over at him and he was trying hard not to cry but I could see how emotional he was at seeing her in her dress. He looked up at the ceiling before she got up to him trying his best to squeeze the tears back in. 

When she got up to the altar her dad moved the veil from her face and kissed her cheek, giving his official blessing with the officiant and handing her off to Steve. 

He reached out for Peggy’s hands and looked at her with a brilliant smile on his face. But then he saw her dress, up close, and there was nothing holding back the tears anymore. He had to have seen the blue and it had to make him think of his mom. Seeing the free flowing tears Peggy stepped forward and wrapped her arms around him, giving them a very sentimental moment before the ceremony. 

“Are you okay?” She asked. Just slightly pulling away from him. 

“Yeah, I’m okay.” He reached up to wipe his tears and she got his other cheek. “You look beautiful.”

“Thank you.” They both stepped just enough away from each other, taking each other’s hands again and looking to the officiant. 

“Are you guys ready?” The officiant asked and they nodded.  

And then the ceremony began. 

“It is my great honor to welcome everyone today to the union of Steve Rogers and Peggy Carter. We are gathered to celebrate the life that these two share, to celebrate the love that they have for each other and the love that they continue to find in each other every single day. This place in which we are now met has been duly sanctioned, according to law, for the celebration of marriages. You are here to witness the joining in matrimony of Steven Grant Rogers and Margaret Elizabeth Carter. If any person present knows of any lawful impediment to this marriage, he or she should declare it now.” He stated and when no one replied with anything we directed his attention back to Steve and Peggy. 

“Are you Steven Grant Rogers free, lawfully, to marry Margaret Elizabeth Carter?” 

“I am.” He replied.

“Are you Margaret Elizabeth Carter free, lawfully, to marry Steven Grant Rogers?” 

“I am.” 

“Marriage, according to the law of this country is the union of two people, voluntarily entered into for life, to the exclusion of all others. Today Steven and Margaret wish to publicly affirm this commitment and offer each other the security that comes from legally binding vows, sincerely made and faithfully kept. But first I was asked by the couple to read a poem, one they believe as do I, that perfectly describes not only their relationship but their future together.” He shifted the papers in his hands. 

“The Art of Marriage” by Wilferd Arlan Peterson: Happiness in marriage is not something that just happens. A good marriage must be created. In the art of marriage the little things are the big things… It is never being too old to hold hands. It is remembering to say “I love you” at least once a day. It is never going to sleep angry. It is at no time taking the other for granted; the courtship should not end with the honeymoon, it should continue through all the years. It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives. It is standing together facing the world. It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family. It is doing things for each other, not in the attitude of duty or sacrifice, but in the spirit of joy. It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways. It is not looking for perfection in each other. It is cultivating flexibility, patience, understanding and a sense of humor. It is having the capacity to forgive and forget. It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow. It is finding room for the things of the spirit. It is a common search for the good and the beautiful. It is establishing a relationship in which the independence is equal, dependence is mutual and the obligation is reciprocal. It is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner. It is discovering what marriage can be, at its best.” 

“This ceremony does not create a relationship, it is a symbol of how far you've come since the moment you met. It is a symbol of the promises you have and will make to each other as you grow stronger as individuals and as partners. No matter the challenges you face, you now face them together and your lives are no longer just for yourselves. You depend on one another to love, support, care, and protect you. These values and promises are not to be taken lightly and will remain with you for the rest of your lives.”

“Do you, Steven, take Margaret to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish all the day of your lives?”

“I do.”

“Do you, Margaret, take Steven to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish all the day of your lives?”

“I do.”

“The rings?”

Bucky stood from his seat and walked over to the altar, handing Steve Peggy’s ring and Peggy Steve’s ring and then returned to his seat. 

“Repeat after me.” He said to Steve. 

“I, Steven, give you this ring as a symbol of my vow. With all that I am and all that I have, I promise to love and care for you as I accept your love now and for always.” He repeated and placed the ring on her finger. And then he moved to Peggy. 

“I, Margaret, give you this ring as a symbol of my vow. With all that I am and all that I have, I promise to love and care for you as I accept your love now and for always.”

“Steven and Margaret you have both made the declarations prescribed by law and have made a solemn and binding contract in the presence of your witnesses here today. It therefore gives me great pleasure to declare that you are now legally married. Steve, you may kiss the bride.”

Steve stepped closer to Peggy and wrapped his arms around her before kissing her. The whole crowd erupted in applause and I seriously doubted there was a single dry eye in the place, at least I wore waterproof makeup. 

When they broke from their kiss and the clapping stopped the officiant gave his final pronouncement. 

“It is my honor to introduce, for the very first time, Mr. and Mrs. Rogers.” 

Everyone clapped again and Steve and Peggy walked down the aisle together with Peggy’s arm laced through Steve’s. They both looked so happy that I couldn’t help but smile with them. As soon as they were out of the room, Bucky walked his mother down the aisle, followed by Peggy’s mom and dad, then Wanda and I, and last Michael. 

We were told ahead of time to meet Peggy and Steve outside, where we would take some time and take photos before heading over to the reception, giving plenty of time for the rest of the party to arrive; apparently not everyone had been invited to the ceremony. So we let the photographer tell us how to pose and where to stand and who to stand by and whatever else. 

Eventually we got to the point where she was done taking pictures with the family and then with the wedding party, so we all headed back to the party and gave Steve and Peggy a chance to take some individual photos and spend a little alone time together. Bucky, held my hand as Wanda, Bucky and I made our way back inside and as soon as we walked through the front doors Vision joined our group. 

Walking into the reception...this space was absolutely gorgeous: tables covered in expensive linens, only the best china, elaborate centerpieces, hanging flowers, chandeliers, and candles everywhere. This is obviously where Steve and Peggy lost all decision making ability. This had Peggy’s mother written all over, not to mention the fact there had to be at least enough chairs and tables for 250 people; I wasn’t sure where the other 200 people were coming from but I wanted to go back to the small ceremony again. 

Bucky and I still ventured in and found the table with our names, right next to Vision and Wanda,  and sat in our chairs, waiting for Steve and Peggy to finish photos. This gave us a chance to relax from the sort of stressful morning and kind of check in with each other, especially since the four of us had kind of been separated all morning. So we talked and the guys had some funny stories about Steve getting ready and then Steve and Peggy made their entrance. 

They looked just as happy before, if not more. They walked hand in hand to the middle of the dance floor and let the DJ present them to the new crowd, before joining us over at our table: Steve, Peggy, Peggy’s parents, Bucky's mom, Wanda, Vision, Michael, Bucky and I were at the front of the room looking out over the dance floor and to the guests. 

It was almost simultaneously that the food began to be served. I wasn’t too sure what everything was on the plate but I recognized chicken which was delicious as was the other food I wasn’t sure about. Peggy and Steve did there best to eat properly, but I knew they were both probably starving seeing as it was a little after five and it was the first time they had eaten all day; it was tradition for the bride and groom to share their first meal of their wedding day as a married couple. 

Having finished eating dinner and plates now being collected Peggy and Steve made their way over to the cake which was just as extravagant as the rest of the party. But where the big cake was all fruit cake and mostly just for the English guests who were used to eating fruitcake, Peggy and Steve had a second cake for the few Americans who were here and for the cake cutting, since it was smaller and easier to cut. If 250 people hadn’t been watching them I knew that Peggy would have tried to cover Steve’s face in cake but with her mother watching closely they both carefully placed a bite of cake in each other’s mouths, the guests applauding afterwards. Nice and proper. 

After pictures had been taken of the cake cutting, servers came and started to cut and distribute the fruitcake, the few Americans at our table asking for the other. And as soon as everyone had had their piece, Steve stood from his chair and reached out his hand for Peggy to take, asking her for the first dance of the night. The band started to play Dream a Little Dream of Me, which I knew was their favorite song to dance to, and then he wrapped his arms around her and lead her into a very sweet and very simple dance. 

When the song finished they helped Peggy back to her chair and then it was time for the speeches...unfortunately, Michael was up first. Being the bride’s brother, and seeing as the nature of toasting in London was actually supposed to be a roast, Michael should have had a lot of material. And he had some funny things to say, I’ll give him that. But it was when he started talking about me and about how his ex was best friends with his sister, was when it got real awkward for me and a little anger inducing for Bucky. When he finally wrapped up his speech there was an awkward clap, I’m not even sure about what happened, so I could only imagine the confusion of everyone else. 

Waiting for Michael to not be in the same walkway as him, Bucky then made his way up to the mic; I know he was ready for his speech, he had rehearsed it with me multiple times over Skype.

“Hi, my name is Bucky and Steve is practically my brother. In every sense of the word he is, believe me. Brothers...they annoy you to no end, do the exact opposite of what you say just for the hell of it, and of course they give the best material for the best man’s roast, I mean speech. The first thing that you need to know about Steve is that this man that you have all fallen in love with is the exact opposite of the man that I grew up with. Yeah he’s handsome and he’s managed to snag Peggy who at the time, when they met, was way out of his league...may still be but I’ll leave that alone for now. But what none of you know is just how crazy this guy was. The biggest thing about Steve was that when we were in high school he was not nearly as handsome as he is now, sorry buddy, you’re married now so I’m allowed to say this.” Everyone laughed and he paused so they could. “Despite that he was the most loyal, most kind boy you would ever meet...which was not a hit with the ladies, I’m sure you could imagine why. And I thought for a long time on what embarrassing story to tell, it had to be something that you had never heard of but something that didn’t absolutely ruin him for you guys. So this story is actually a well kept secret, the thing that I was sworn to never repeat, a secret that has been kept since we were seniors in high school…” 

“Bucky.” He stood and said, almost in a warning. Peggy pulled him back down into his chair, laughing at how defensive he was being. 

“See, he’s scared so it’s perfect. But anyway, as most of the close family would know, Peggy and Steve started their relationship as friendship; they were just as close as I had been to Steve...except the tension between those two was definitely romantic where the tension between me and him was due to him stealing my comic books or something stupid like that. Anyway, as friends, the three of us were inseparable and then we got to prom season our senior year. The three of us had always gone to homecoming together, but this was the prom and you absolutely had to have a date. Peggy was the “it” girl and like I said earlier, way out of Steve’s league, and she was the date that every guy wanted. I always had the suspicion that she said no to those other guys because she was waiting for Steve, which she was, but he had it in his head that he couldn’t just ask her, he had to outshine everyone. So Peggy being asked out by the quarterback was kind of the last straw for him, the next day he came up with the ultimate ask-Peggy-to-prom plan. And this plan...It started out with flowers, the most beautiful bouquet you could imagine...and it ended with a broken arm.” There were some confused faces and a small laugh. 

“I’m dead serious guys, a broken arm. So the day that Steve had planned to ask Peggy to prom was actually the best and worst day of my 18 year old life. The best because I had only waited a little over three years for him to get the courage to do it. The worst because of how it went. But our first stage was buying everything for what he wanted to do: flowers, candles, flower petals, her favorite candy, something he saw that he thought she’d like, a lot of presents, and then we went and had film developed of every single picture they had ever taken together. Once we got everything, we waited until she was out of her house, drove over and started to set up this surprise. Now obviously we couldn’t go inside, so naturally we scaled the fence and set it up in her backyard. We made a heart of rose petals, spelled out “Prom?” in candles, and had all of her gifts set out on the table. Steve was dressed in the nicest thing he owned and holding the flowers, standing behind his sign. And we must have waited for hours, and I mean literal hours, not just figuratively. The candles kept blowing out, the wind was blowing the petals all over her yard and then what I thought was the unthinkable happened, and yet it was still highly probable with Steve in the picture; he was a big klutz. But this is the fun part.” 

“So he goes to light a few of the candles again, but like I said earlier, he’s a klutz, and he trips and falls on top of the ones that are still lit. Now most of them didn’t catch but there was one that did. So in a moment of pure panic he runs over to this pond that they have in their backyard, and as he is running over to stop from anymore of his shirt catching on fire, he trips again, halfway falling into this pond and breaking his arm in the process.” 

There was quite a bit of laughter and everyone watched as Peggy sat across his lap, trying to keep him in his seat. 

“So anyway...that happened. But back to the story. So his arm is broken, I’m trying not to laugh and yet I’m trying to help him off the ground without hurting him, and there’s now no way he can ask Peggy to prom this way; I mean I guess he could, but I wasn’t going to let him. Now this is the part that Steve doesn’t know. I’m pretty sure that what he thinks happened is that she saw the set up and came to find him. Right?” He asked Steve and he nodded. “Well I have to tell you that that is not what actually happened. I told you to go to my car and I told you that I was going to finish setting up the promposal...but that’s not what I did. And it may have been selfish but I just didn’t think that either of you deserved that. Steve, you went out of your way to prepare this romantic promposal and Peggy had waited almost four years for this moment, so Steve deserved to actually be there and Peggy deserved to be asked in person. So I, very quickly, cleaned up everything. I threw away the rose petals, the candles, and I took all the presents and flowers and put them on the front porch, minus the photos, I took those with me. But I obviously couldn’t just leave all of this with no explanation of why it was there or who left it. So I grabbed this receipt and a crayon from my pocket, don’t ask me why I had a crayon, I couldn’t even tell you, and wrote out: Come and find me? Brooklyn Hospital. Steve. I wasn’t sure what that would do, but I had to hope that these two would get some common sense and just go for it. Peggy did end up meeting us at the hospital though and Steve told her…”

Bucky stepped off the makeshift stage and came back over to our table, leaning over close to us, Steve glaring at him the whole time. 

“Now Peggy...what was the excuse that he gave you?” He held out the microphone for her to answer. 

“He told me that he broke his arm playing baseball with you.”

“He would say something like that wouldn’t he...if I’m being honest I couldn’t remember the excuse, so thanks for that.” He then walked back up to the stage, laughing, as was everyone else. “Anyway...I’m going to wrap up I promise. So after the excuse of the century, Steve finally asked Peggy to prom and of course she said yes and I guess the rest is history. They sat in his hospital stall as he was getting his cast put on and they looked through the photos and when they came back from the prom it was nothing but love with those two. I have to say, the moral of this story wasn’t to out this secret, it’s wasn’t too embarrass him or roast him, even though it was kind of fun to do that, it was to prove the lengths that he would go to to make Peggy happy. Him meeting her was fate and it took them three years to finally get past friendship, but I know that they’re stronger for it and will forever be perfect for each other. He’s my brother and I could never imagine him being with anyone else. So thank you for letting me come up here and talk your ear off. Steve and Peggy...I love you guys, you know that, and I totally take credit for getting you two together. Thanks everyone!” 

Everyone applauded as he came around and gave Steve and Peggy each a hug before coming to sit back beside me. 

“You did great.” I said to him. 

“Thank you, my favorite pastime is embarrassing Steve, except this time he asked me to do it.” I laughed and leaned forward to give him a kiss. 

Next up in the wedding agenda, we had the father daughter dance with Peggy and her dad, and the mother son dance with Steve and Winnie, obviously making the whole room come back to a little more of a serious note, but giving the perfect opportunity to invite people on the dance floor and to really get the party started. 

There were happy, upbeat, and modern songs and there were jazzy, vintage, and slower songs, just a perfect mix given the variety of ages amongst the guests. Bucky and I danced a few times between getting drinks and eating cheeses and other assorted finger foods, I even danced with Steve, Vision, Wanda, and Peggy all individually and we did a few group dances for fun. And then we got to another slow dance and of course I let Bucky pull me away from everyone else and put the attention back on us for a second. 

“Hi.” I said. 

“Hey beautiful.” 

“You know, I haven’t had the chance to tell you how handsome you look today.”

“Well I haven’t been able to tell you how beautiful you are.”

“That’s a lie, you told me earlier, right before the pictures.”

“Can you really blame me though, I have the most beautiful girlfriend in the world.”

“Bucky…”

“What? I do.”

“Well thank you. I was trying to compliment you, but thank you.”

“Your very welcome...but you may continue complimenting me.” He was just cracking me up today. I hadn’t seen him just effortlessly happy in a long time, I missed seeing him like this. 

“I just loved seeing you as I walked down the aisle...you looked so handsome and you were smiling and I felt so much love for you.”

“You have to know that I felt the same way.”

“I do. And not only do you look so handsome but I am loving the finished product of your morning suit.”

“Well, I only look this good because of you. You’re the one who made sure we all looked good, even you know who.”

“Do you want to know what my favorite part about this morning suit is?”

“I have two guesses.” 

“Okay.” I smiled

“Number one: you like it...because you can’t wait to take it off of me later.” I laughed at him. 

“Wasn’t exactly what I was thinking but I don’t mind where you’re going.” This time he laughed at me. 

“Well it’s a good thing that that wasn’t the real answer then. Number two...you like it because my pants are high waisted and you can’t see my white shirt when I lift my hands above my head.”

I took in a deep breath, my jaw hitting the floor. “Oh my god...you know me so well.” I pulled him down and kissed him; I could feel him smile. 

“Well if you had doubts before…” I laughed at him.

“Yeah, no doubts now.” I teased. 

“Good.” 

After we were done with our dance, Bucky grabbed my hand and walked out of the house and down to the dock overlooking the lake, claiming to want a second alone with me in a space not so loud. The scene was absolutely beautiful with the setting sun and the calming waters, it was the perfect escape from the crazy party happening inside. 

We walked down to the very end and leaned against the railing, taking a moment to breath in the air and enjoy the peace and quiet. 

He turned and looked at me and I leaned back against the corner of the railing, letting it support me a little more and take some of the pressure off my aching feet. 

“Can I admit something?” He asked. 

“Of course.”

“I missed you this week.” Curious...

“We’ve actually spent a lot of time together—”

“I know, but it’s not the same when everything we’re doing is for someone else, you know? Yeah we saw each other, and we got to be in the same room as each other but we didn’t get to really spend as much quality alone time together. It’s why I wanted to bring you out here...for just a moment.”

“Well you couldn’t have picked a better moment. It’s beautiful out here.”

“Yeah it is.” Except he was still looking right at me. Sap. I just shook my head at him. “Seeing how happy Steve and Peggy are, it made me think about us and about how much I love you. And honestly I don’t think I’ve told you that nearly enough.”

“Bucky...I know that you love me. Just because you don’t say it to me doesn’t mean that I don’t know it. And I know that I’ve made things complicated this past year—”

“You haven’t made anything complicated.”

“I’m the one who took this job.”

“That’s your dream.”

“You’re my dream.”

“And you’re mine.”

We both turned back out and looked at the water, watching the sun change it different colors. 

“You know...the first thing you ever said to me was in Russian.”

“Really...I guess it was, wasn’t it?”

“I’ve been thinking about that a lot. I remember being so nervous that day and then I walked into that room and saw that huge panel of people sitting there, watching me. The nerves had been bad before but they were worse after that, and I’m not sure if you could tell but I was about ready to walk out of there. Then they asked me about myself and I just tried my hardest not to lose it, and then you spoke. ‘Ты говоришь по-русски?’ I looked over at you and my heart leapt in my chest (You speak Russian?). You hadn’t said more than three words to me and I was completely amazed by you. You were the reason I accepted the job. You were the reason I went and said hello to everyone on set that first day, I didn’t want you to catch on that I had only come to see you. You were the reason that I did everything I did and you are still the reason I do everything I do. But the craziest part is that I'm still falling in love with you after all this time and after everything we’ve been through. There are things that I fall in love with everyday and it’s amazing. You’re just...amazing. And there’s no one else I would rather be amazed with for the rest of my life than you. Because I love you and you’re my everything. So no matter if you’re ten feet from me or 10,000 feet, I’m always going to love you.”

“Bucky…”

“I just thought you should know.”

“Well I definitely thought I knew, but it’s nice to hear it from you.” I reached up and kissed him with tears in my eyes, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him close to me. God, he was just the sweetest and honestly the master of grand gestures, a pro. “I love you too, you know. I don’t think I can come up with something that sincere and wonderful on the spot, but I want you to know that I feel the same way about you.”

“Oh, no, I definitely rehearsed that.” We both laughed at each other and he let go of me, reaching for something in his jacket pocket. “I have something for you.”

“You didn’t have to get me anything.” He pulled out an envelope and put it in my hands. On the outside ‘James’ was written, in a very familiar handwriting. I looked up at him, completely shocked by what this could be. He gestured for me to open it. 

“Asa gave this to me. And I think it’s a perfect time for you to read it.”

So I opened the letter and pulled out the note, a note that my father had written to Bucky before he died. I could already feel the tears in my eyes coming back, but tried to hold them back so that I could read what he wrote. 

****

Dear James, 

On the last day of a man's life there are quite a few things that tend to go through his mind. I thought of two things: my wife and my daughter. 

I thought about how much I missed my wife and how lucky I was to know that she was waiting for me. That day I saw her face a lot, everytime I closed my eyes I saw her eyes looking right back at me, almost beckoning me in a way. And God if I didn’t want to go to her. When I had been as sick as long as I had, there just came a point where the fighting didn’t seem worth it, not when I could have stayed with her. 

But I thought of Y/N and I thought of the lies that I had told her and the secrets that I had kept. With time she would forgive me for them, but if I didn’t say goodbye to her, if I didn’t tell her one last time how much I loved her, then I knew that she would never forgive me. So I called her and as a father does sometimes, I lied to her to protect her from my impending leave. 

And then she asked me about you. The same man who had gone on a television show to find love and had coincidentally fallen in love off screen. The same man who cared for her and was there for her in the ways that no one had been before. The same man who is her best friend, the love of her life and her hero. And in a way, James, you are my hero too. 

When I’m gone, things will be hard for her. She always believed in this idea of who her parents were, praising us for our titles and not for our actions. Her mother was a saint but never really got the chance to show Y/N the things that moms get to show their children. And I...I was the perfect idea of a father, from a distance I was everything that she was missing. But when I sent her to America, I didn’t know that her grandparents would keep her. 

I want to tell you that I fought harder to bring her back, but with her mom gone and her parents wealth and my lack thereof, it seemed impossible. My life without my wife became unbearable and the medical bills just as so, not to mention I had no legal way of getting to the states, not a way that was fast anyway. So with life stacked against me, I let her go, hoping that at the very least her grandparents could give her a better life than I could. 

Y/N never knew the truth and in every way all I seem to do is cause her pain, which is why I never told her about my being sick. 

There are choices that we have to make in this life. We never know if they’re right and yet my mistakes and lies have somehow brought her to you. So in a way I hope they weren’t all mistakes because no matter what I did in this life, my life was always for Y/N. 

But now I’m passing the baton. She loves you and she’s going to need you now more than ever. So if there’s only one thing that you ever do in this life, just make her happy. Show her the world, give her everything that she could possibly dream of, be her everything, but most importantly love her as if every day is your last. Love her and never let go. 

So fall more in love with each other, learn new things about each other, grow old with each other, do the things that I never got to do with my wife. Just make sure to always love each other and everything else will be okay. I promise. 

Take care of my little girl, 

Your future and late father-in-law

P.S. I hope what’s in this envelope helps 

****

“What’s in the—” I looked up to see Bucky down on one knee, with a ring in his hand. All air had completely left my lungs and I knew that if my face wasn’t already covered in tears, that it was now. 

“I’ve had this for a little over a year now, but I’ve known for a lot longer that I was going to marry you someday. It was never a question of if, just a question of when and I can’t see a better moment than right now. So...Y/N Y/L/N will you marry me?”

Without any hesitation and with a huge smile on my face, I said, “Yes. God, yes.” 

I knelt down and gave him a big kiss, holding his face in my hands and not letting go for a long time. When I pulled away, he stood up and put that gorgeous ring on my finger. And if I thought the tears had been bad before, I don’t even know what was happening now. He could see how emotional this was for me and he just pulled me into his arms and held me tight to him. 

“Are you okay?” He asked, placing a hand on my cheek and bring me back up to look at him.

“Am I okay? I am so happy, I really am.”

“I know it’s hard not having your dad here.”

“I didn’t even know that he wrote to you. I knew that I had mentioned and told him a little about you, but that letter was just so personal, like he knew how much you meant to me.”

“Asa. After that time that he spent with us, he told him every little detail about us and he knew, he knew how much I loved you.”

“I love you so much. I can’t believe you proposed.”

“I’m so incredibly happy you said yes.”

“How could I have ever said no? You make me happier than anyone in the world.”

“You make me happy too.”

Instead of going back inside right away, we went and walked around the grounds, enjoying the sunset and the beauty of the castle. Then that curiosity from earlier was brought up. 

“I’ve been thinking about something for a little while now, I wanted to talk to you about it. See, I spoke to Steve and Peggy about proposing to you and Peggy had some interesting things to say. She asked you about us getting married and you didn’t think it was good time because of the tour.”

“Well, you have to admit that it’s not. We’re practical people, we understand the busyness of our lives and we saw what Steve and Peggy went through when planning their wedding. I hardly get to see you as it is and planning a wedding, our wedding, over Skype just...it’s not something I want to do.”

“First of all, our wedding is not going to be like this wedding. It’s beautiful and has absolutely celebrated the couple that they are, but you have to admit that it’s kind of crazy. We don’t have an Amanda and we don’t nearly have as much family and where Peggy and Steve had to fight a lot for a day that was even a little bit there's, we get to choose what we want. So that’s the first thing, the second thing is that I never want you to feel guilty about taking jobs that make you happy. I know how much you love what you do, I know you love the theatre. And I’m going to be there with you every step of the way no matter what you choose to do. This proposal isn’t about us settling down and getting married, this is about me making a commitment to you, it’s about me wanting to spend the rest of my life with you. I don’t care if we get married tomorrow or ten years from now. We could just go and get married in a courthouse and I would be perfectly happy. But I just want you to be happy, and I want you to stop thinking that I could ever be disappointed or upset that you took this tour. We will figure everything out, just as we have since the moment we met.”

“You’re amazing and I love you.”

“You’re amazing and I love you too.”

“I’m not ready to go back inside.”

“Then let’s not go back inside just yet.”

As the sun kept going down we just watched as the colors of the sky made everything that much more beautiful. But as you could imagine, being gone as long as we had, made a certain friend group curious. Bucky and I were sitting closer to the front entrance, they had some little concrete wall/benches, when Steve, Peggy, Vision and Wanda found us. 

“You guys have been out here for a long time.” Peggy said. She was obviously the most curious out of everyone but it also seemed like she totally knew what happened. 

I didn’t even say anything I just took my left hand from Bucky’s and held it up for them to see which definitely resulted in some squealing and lots of hugs. They were obviously so happy for us and in that moment I just got really emotional again. I could feel the tears in my eyes and I tried really hard to keep them in. 

“Hey, why are you crying?” Bucky asked, bending down to my level and wiping a tear from my cheek. 

“It’s just been such an emotional day. Earlier you gave me that letter from my dad and it really made me realize that my mom and dad will always be a part of me, but the five of you are my family. And I couldn’t imagine a better family to have.” I started to say to Bucky and then spoke to the group.

Trying to keep those tears back failed when they attacked me in a group hug; I think everyone got a little teary eyed hearing that. And being right in the middle of all of this love just reminded me of how good my life was and how lucky I was to find such wonderful people. 

When we managed to stop crying, we decided that the six of us had definitely been out for too long, and headed back inside to the reception. We danced, we partied, we drank but most importantly we loved. 

Somewhere amongst the partying I went and hung out with Winnie who was the most excited out of everyone that Bucky and I were engaged; I’m serious about that too. And from the get go she had so many ideas, I could tell that she had been thinking about this for some time. Bucky seeing the slight panic on my face though, and from across the room, came to rescue me, taking me back to the dance floor. 

 And then it got late into the night and guests started to leave, giving the perfect opportunity for Steve and Peggy to bow out for the night, needing the sleep for their flight to St. Lucia the following morning. So they walked around the room and said goodbye to everyone and then they got to me.

“So...you quit your job and didn’t tell me right?” Peggy asked. “I can’t go another six months without you.” I laughed and wrapped my arms around her.

“No I didn’t quit my job...but they did add a show stop in LA.”

“Really? Steve and I are totally coming to see the show.”

“I would expect nothing less. Have a great honeymoon.”

“I will and you enjoy being engaged.”

“I will.” 

Steve was next, giving me a huge hug and telling me how happy he was to be getting a sister. And then the people who were left gave them a proper send off, with picturesque sparklers and a vintage car for them to drive off in. 

After they left though, everyone sort of made their way either back to their rooms or to wherever they were staying. So Bucky and I said goodnight to Wanda and Vision and went up to our room to do a little more of a private celebration of our engagement and of course before that I had to call Asa and let him know, he was practically my dad; we decided to call friends in the morning. 

And when the sun rose we got ready for our day, cleaned out our room, ate breakfast, and got on the road back to London. We had called Tony, telling him and Pepper, who had gotten remarried and were perfectly happy with each other, our wonderful news. So as a pre-pre wedding gift, he gave Bucky another week off so that we could really spend some time together. Of course I was grateful for any time I got to be with Bucky but it was nice to spend a little more time together as an engaged couple and in the same state no less. 

But a decision that I cherished more than anything in the world, and thought back to frequently, was taking that job at the network. At the time it had only been a way for me to make ends meet, I needed money and they needed someone who actually knew what they were doing. And yet, I got a lot more than I ever bargained for: I got a family and I met the love of my life. But like that journey had shown me, not everything was going to be easy and there were going to be moments where I had to depend on the people in my life to help me and love me.

But most importantly it was moments like Peggy’s wedding, Wanda’s wedding, eventually my wedding and every milestone in between, that really showed me the amount of love that I had in my life, something I hadn’t thought I had before I met Bucky. So even though my friendship with Bucky seemed a little too real for Reality TV, our marriage continues to grow as we face new challenges and fall a little more in love with each other each and every day. So who needs Reality TV when you’ve got a Bucky?

****

THE END

****

Tell Me What You Think Here

Tags: @fangirl1802, @seargantbcky, @lust-for-pan, @38leticia, @barnes-and-noble-girl, @karipaleta, @capandbuck, @camillechan, @findacauseandserveit, @audasia25, @kendallefire , @alicerozenju, @snuggleducky, @mell-bell, @lifeasabookbutterfly, @the-red-world-of-jess-chibi, @iamwarrenspeace, @ssweet-empowerment, @chook007 , @juliagolia87, @jjsoccer11, @smol-flower-kiddo, @mrsdaamneron, @isaxhorror, @barnesism, @thatgirlrowan, @linki-locks11, @janeyboo, @vgurl18, @guera31, @bornfortherainydays, @carryonmy-assbutt, @calwitch, @mackevanstanfan80, @mrsalh32611

[codyfernaesthetic]

Dichotomy

 Part 14

Summary: Mallory is searching for answers. Michael is searching for his path. They both find each other.

Author’s note: Context, context, context!!! I’ve never been more nervous about a chapter. lol. This monster might confuse you, especially if you didn’t spend hours researching the Salem Witch Trials in both history and AHS canon. This is deep cut stuff. If it’s wanted, I can answer any questions on who or what an event or person is, or whatever. It’s mostly the first part, so after you get through that you should be in the clear. Hopefully it’s explained well enough to not be confusing. I know you guys are smart, I’m just anxious about where this takes things. I want it to be interesting and evident how it’s relevant to the story. But enough rambling. Let’s find out what Michael and Mallory find out about themselves and each other! never 

Warnings: Blood, language, NSFW (Nothing explicit)

A lone woman, a refugee from her broken home, found herself weeping in a dingy motel room in the city. She was pregnant, the catalyst for her ostracization from her abusive parents. She didn’t know where to go or what to do. She’d stolen cash from her father’s wallet and run away. The guy who’d gotten her pregnant had hit the road the moment she told him, and she couldn’t afford an abortion. She’d decided to make her deathbed the ugly, stained spring mattress of the motel room. Her face was wet, her fingers trembling as she poured out a bottle of pills in her hand.

A burst of white light shot through the room. The woman screamed, dropping everything and backed up against the wall, staring as this light took on a humanoid shape.

“Do not be afraid, Agatha.”

The voice was gentle, it sounded as if it came from everywhere and nowhere at all.

“Who are you?”

The light hovered closer.

“Do not be afraid to bring forth this child.”

Agatha felt a warmth caress her belly like a hand.

“I have set aside this child for a great purpose. You shall give birth to a daughter, and upon her 18th birthday she shall become pregnant, through no will of man, but by mine. And her child shall be my chosen one, who will save this world from destruction.”

She gawked at the message, doubts and fears assailing her.

“How can I possibly take care of this child? I have nowhere to go!”

Tendrils of light spread about, “Take no care as to how you will be provided for; behold, lilies of the valley neither toil nor sow, and kings are not clothed like one of them.”

Agatha crawled closer, enraptured. She reached out her hand to touch the light, electricity buzzing on her fingers.

“All right,” she answered breathlessly, “I’ll do what you say.”

The light faded, leaving Agatha in blissful assurance that all would be well.

When she took a shower that night, she noticed a new mark on her body, like raised scar tissue.

A single star over her heart.

1692

Sarah Good was among the first to fall in the Salem Witch Trials. She was a homeless, pregnant beggar despised by the community; she was tried and imprisoned, leaving behind her husband and 4 year old daughter Dorothy, who was also taken into custody upon suspicion of witchcraft. After the 4 year old was released, the trauma she suffered left her unable to function and she spent the rest of her life as an invalid. Her mother meanwhile, gave birth in prison to her sister Mercy; but the newborn died mere hours after her birth, then Sarah was led to the gallows and hung declaring to her judge and executioner, Judge Matthers, “God will give you blood to drink.”

Heartbroken and desperate, Sarah’s husband begged the newly risen Supreme of the escaping witches to raise his daughter back to life and give her a chance to live freely. She agreed, bringing the newborn back to life. Mercy Good was given into the care of Hephzibah Green and her young daughter Jescha, and was renamed Mara, meaning bitterness. The witches escaped, leaving the horrors of Salem behind. Years passed and justice for Sarah Good was left undone…

25 years later

The town of Salem, Massachusetts lay sleeping under the pale moon, its people having put away their business for the day and said their nightly prayers for protection over their souls during the night.

All except for Judge Matthers, who sat at his desk by the candlelight working into the late hours. He stifled a yawn, dipping his quill in the ink pot.

A noise disturbed him. Something against the window. He inspected the origin of the disturbance, seeing and hearing nothing else. He had just made it back to his desk when the front door swung open with a loud bang. The old man jumped and stilled his heart, shuffling over to close the door.

“Working late into the night, Your Honor?”

He turned, startled at the new voice. A young woman in her mid twenties stood in his home, dark eyes flashing with rage.

She lifted her hand, “Detendo.”

His body was thrown against the wall, his limbs gluing to the wooden surface, paralyzed. He couldn’t make a sound.

The woman strolled toward him, “Dost thou remember a woman by the name of Sarah Good?”

His mind raced back to a gallows, a fiery, deranged woman he’d condemned as a witch.

She continued, “The woman you hung 25 years past in your self-righteousness?”

She stepped closer, “I am her daughter.”

His eyes widened in terror.

She gave him a malicious chuckle, “Aye, the one pronounced dead when you showed my mother no compassion. I hath returned from the grave to exact her prophecy upon thee. Innocent blood you spilt, but in thine own sin-cursed blood shall ye drown.”

She reached into her cloak, whispering, “Patentibus.”

His mouth opened without his consent. He started shaking.

She held up a closed fist to his face, “Behold the vengeance of Almighty God, Most Honorable Judge, and the vengeance of Mercy Good.”

She opened her hand, blowing a white powder into his mouth. He coughed violently, his body trembling harder as she waved her hand to drop him to the floor. Blood poured from every orifice, his skin turning a disgusting gray as his blood splattered all around him before he collapsed dead. She spat on his corpse and left the Judge’s home, slipping away without a trace.

_____________________

Jescha confronted her upon her return. Mara hung their clothes on the line, her adopted sister asking, “Where wast thou really?”

She didn’t look up from her work, “Repaying a life for a life.”

“Hast thou no regard for your own safety?” She scolded.

“Not since my birth hath the town known me, and even then presumed dead.”

She crossed her arms, “Thou canst not put the coven in such danger.”

She looked up at her, shrugging, “I have not. No man recognized me and I did not use my given name. All is well, justice has been done.”

She huffed, stepping beside her to help her finish her chores, “Some justice shouldst be left unto the Lord.”

Mara nodded, “‘Twas if I be His messenger.”

“Beware of pride, Mara. Lest thou think thyself too important.”

“I have thee to blame. Thou hast told me I am special.”

She smiled, “And ye are. Thou art also as stubborn as the ass of Balaam.”

She bumped her, “Aye, but the stubbornness of the ass twas the Lord’s will.”

Mara had no desire to become Supreme; she was happy to spend her days tending her garden and living in peace, despite both Jescha and Hephzibah’s insistence. She did eventually attempt The Seven Wonders at their behest, only to fail the very last.

“T’would be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed,” Jescha told her after the tests as they sat by the river.

She laughed, “Should I take that as compliment or criticism?”

“Both.”

“Why?” She skipped a rock, “If I am not the Supreme, then I am not the Supreme.”

Her sister pouted, “I had such faith that ye were.”

“And why hast thou not attempted the Seven Wonders? Go and show thyself to be the Supreme.”

She balked, “If thou couldst not do it, then surely I cannot. I am merely a garden witch.”

Mara feigned offense, “Careful of thy words, I am merely a garden witch.”

She leaned her head into the crook of her neck, “No, not merely. You are among the most powerful of our coven.”

Mara patted her, “Thou art just as essential as I. Providence will grant you great things, dear Jes. I’m sure of it.”

“As I am sure of you, Mara.”

The two women continued in their happy states. Jescha eventually moving away, marrying into a rich family. Meanwhile, Mara’s descendants continued the line of powerful witches. Until a girl was born with the power of special connection to the spiritual world, claiming communication with the entity most commonly called God. This woman’s name was Agatha, who did give birth to a daughter she named Leah. And according to Agatha’s predictions, Leah did become pregnant at 18 years old, though no one ever knew who the father was. And Leah gave birth to a beautiful baby girl she named Mallory.

_____________

Mallory sat on her grandmother’s knee, listening to her story. When she got to the end, Mallory clapped gleefully, “That’s me!”

Agatha ran her fingers through her granddaughter’s hair smiling wistfully, “That’s right, Mallie. Grandma knew you would be born even before she had mama.”

“Do I have magical powers?” She wondered in awe.

Agatha cupped her face, “You have more power than anyone, Mallie. You have the blood of Salem and the heritage of divinity.”

She bit her lip excitedly, “Do you still have the star?”

“No, but you do, don’t you?”

She nodded, “Mama says it’s a birthmark.”

“It is. It’s a very special birthmark. It’s a sign that you are gonna save this world one day, Mallie.”

Leah and Mallory’s stepfather found them sitting out in the garden, dragging a pouting Mallory from Agatha to go home. Leah would always try and undo her mother’s damage, telling Mallory that her grandma was senile and delusional. But to Mallory, she was the only one who understood her, the only one who confirmed the deep sense of destiny she’d felt even as a little girl. She especially became a safe haven when Mallory turned 13 and was found levitating in her bed by her stepfather. Her parents dragged her to several priests as more powers manifested; the ability to manipulate fire, psychic visions, disappearing and reappearing, etc. They believed she was worshiping the devil or possessed by a demon. Mallory was forced to endure several painful exorcisms, her powers manifesting in the middle of them due to her emotional distress. This only fueled their fear. The worst incident was when Mallory found a dead rat in their yard, torn to shreds by a local stray cat. She brought the rat to the front porch, cradling it in her hands. Her parents screamed for her to put it down, but she only placed one hand over it, closing her eyes and breathing deeply.

The rat stirred to life, its wounds completely healed, even appearing younger. It scampered off in its new life while she stared in amazement at her own power.

It was the last and worst exorcism she had before running away to live with her grandmother. When her grandmother died, she felt like she’d lost her only home.

Then, a woman named Cordelia Goode announced nationwide that she ran a school for women with exceptional powers, witches.

Mallory packed her bags and left for New Orleans.

_______________

There is no love which is not pain

There is no love which does not bruise

There is no love which does not fade

There is no love which does not live from tears...

Michael felt as if he was thrown back into his body; like he was snatched away on the cusp of discovering the final truth. He gulped in air desperately, looking around him. Mallory lay there still in a peaceful trance. She should have woken up with him.

He went to her, touching her face, “Mallory…”

She remained unresponsive.

“Mallory!”

She was still breathing, but was lost in his past, being buried beneath his darkness.

He picked her up and carried her to his bedroom, lovingly laying on his black silk sheets, propping her head on a few pillows.

Hours passed...days...weeks…

“Mallory, please,” he begged everyday, “Please come back to me.”

He refused to leave the house. His food, his work, everything was ordered to be delivered to that single room. Several Cooperative members pleaded with him snap out of it; they promised to place a guard at the house, to set up a cycle of servants so he could be notified if or when she woke up. They were met with fury.

All the while she was plunged into the deep dark waters of Michael’s past. She witnessed everything, felt everything he experienced. It was enough to surely kill her.

She finally came to after nearly two months of unconsciousness. Michael was at her side immediately, caressing her sweat-soaked face. “It’s ok,” he whispered over and over again, “It’s ok, I’m here.” Her breathing calmed, her mind cleared; she looked at him, seeing beyond him. It was as if she’d journeyed through his soul, seeing every crevice, every hidden thought, surveying every molecule of his essence. It was terrifying. She saw slit throats and corpses, demonic claws sinking into his heart, endless dark. It was sorrowful; brimming with abandonment and loss, desire to change, but no one to help, a small, scared child thrust into the arms of people who only saw him as a means to an end, a tool. Bottomless loneliness and a starving for love, true, faithful love. But more than anything... It was beautiful. He was beautiful. Despite it all. She should hate him, she should want him dead. But only love flooded her heart. There was a bond between them now that their souls were bare before each other, a golden thread that weaved among their atoms, threading them together; they were darkness and light, a dichotomy, two coexisting infinities that could never be separated. She took his face in her hands, admiring every detail of his face; she touched their foreheads together, breathing him in. “You will never be alone again.” Tears sprung to his eyes, his fingers brushing over her neck. The thread tightened, pulling them closer and closer together until their lips connected. Michael groaned the moment their lips touched, ferociously pouring out every ounce of built up sorrow and desire. Emotion overflowed in both of them; tears began to fall upon their lips, and they shared them, letting go of every pretension. Michael snapped his fingers, their clothes disappearing. They became a mess of entangled limbs and passing breaths. He kissed all the way down her body, wrapping his arms around her thighs. She sighed, her skin burning with each touch of his lips. She entwined her fingers in his silken hair, threading through it assuringly. He gave a gentle bite on her stomach, earning a surprised moan. He looked up, concerned, searching to see if she was displeased. Her pulse quickened, slick heat burned between her thighs as she looked into his pleading gaze. “I’m fine,” she whispered, “That felt so good,” she pressed her lips to his forehead, “You make me feel so good, Michael.” A desperate noise left his lips as he pulled her closer, leaving more love bites on her stomach and inner thighs, relishing every utterance of praise from her. He snaked his hands under her and started to lay on his back, Golden hair spilling on the black silk. He looked up at her under heady eyes. “Take your throne,” he begged breathlessly. She bit her lip, pulling herself over him; he made quick work with his tongue, tasting her with desperate ferocity. Her legs trembled; her grip on the headboard tightening as the pleasure exploded through her body, primal moans and worship flowed from her like a hymn. Michael’s fingers gripped and dug into her flesh; the taste of her dripping on his tongue sent a jolt of need through him. Unable to bear it, he reached down and attempted to relieve some of his growing desire for release. With a heavy breath, Mallory slid herself down his body, straddling his stomach. He was taking in air like a dying man, his tongue running over his lips with little moans of pleasure. He looked up at her, eyes begging and submissive. He traced his hands over her, cupping her breasts, massaging them, treating them like sacred objects, reverently venerating her skin. He slid his fingers up to her throat, slowly curling around it gently, whispering in an uncertain tone, “Mine?” She kept her eyes on him as she took his thumb and wrapped her lips around it, biting and sucking. His other hand traced down her body to feel her wetness coating his stomach. She leaned into his touch, sighing and raking her nails across his chest. Her own need curling into thick tendrils in her core. She leaned down, giving him a passionate kiss, “Yours.” He groaned, bucking his hips, tears pricking at the corners of his eyes. “Please, Mallory,” he could barely speak, the need building within him stealing all of his words. He sat up to grip her face and pull her into a desperate, devouring kiss. “Take me,” he whined, “Please, take all of me.” She kissed him again, but he pulled back with a needy grunt, “I need you. I need to feel you surrounding me, please. Oh, please, Mallory...” the rest of his pleas were unintelligible noises of wanton hunger. She slid down further, lowering herself; he released a shaky, prolonged moan as she took him. She vocalized her pleasure with each thrust of her hips, her rhythm and speed building with her desire. Faster. Harder. Both of them riding out their pleasure, their bodies relentlessly chasing its zenith until Their release struck them like lightning. Michael couldn’t temper his volume as he screamed out her name like an irreverent prayer. Mallory could barely breathe as pleasure like bursts of light shot through her veins. They collapsed together, slick with sweat and languid. Michael, with little strength, wrapped his arms around her, planting lazy kisses on her face and neck. She clung to him like a survivor to her last hope. “Mine.” He breathed into her ear. She kissed his neck, “Mine.” They would delight in each other several more times that night, much slower and gentler. A sensation washing over them that neither of them had felt in a long time... Peace

__________

The two new lovers were wrapped up together, sleeping as they hadn’t in years. Michael’s face was buried in Mallory’s neck like it was his refuge; her legs circled his waist, hands still entangled in his hair.

A faint hum disturbed her rest. She opened her eyes to find herself staring up at a night sky, stars dotting the velvet canvas. She eased herself up, glancing around at the field where she had first met the being posing as Cordelia. Only this time, instead of the greenhouse, a large, wispy tree curled its silver branches up to the sky, gorged, white fruit with speckles of gold hung low upon it. She approached, curious at the sight.

A rustling of footsteps caught her attention. The woman stood there, still in the guise of Cordelia, staring at the tree with forlorn eyes.

“This is not how I intended this to happen,” she sounded far away, “It was all supposed to be much simpler than this.”

Mallory glared, feeling no sympathy, “Why couldn’t I bring Cordelia back?”

She sighed deeply, meeting her gaze, “You can’t cheat death forever, Mallory. Eventually it comes to claim its due.”

She stepped toward her, “You’re lying.”

She closed her eyes and rubbed her temple, “I won’t let you, that’s why.”

“Who are you?” She demanded.

The woman shook her head, pouting slightly, “I have imagined this moment for years, eager to welcome you with open arms. And now here we are, and you already hate me.”

Mallory took another confrontation step, “Who are you?”

She smiled ruefully, holding up her arms as if in defeat, “Simply...I am God.”

Mallory stared.

“I am the bringer of light and creation. I am the light from which the daughters of Salem draw their power. And you” she dared to come closer and brush the back of her fingers over Mallory’s cheek, “...are my daughter.”

“I don’t understand,” was her dumbfounded response.

“You see, Michael’s father and I,” she chuckled, “Satan as he likes to be called, he and I are a balancing scale...a dichotomy which brings the universe into order. There is good and evil, light and dark. From the very beginning of time, we have fought for balance in the universe. However, there came a point where we stopped fighting for balance, and began fighting for dominance,” her face darkened, “He decided that he wanted to tip the scales, create chaos and violence over the whole earth. And now it is time to tip the scales back again. I am tired of his malevolence and wrath, I want to create a new world. One where death and disease is an ancient memory,” her smile returned, wistful, “And I will use you Mallory. I will use you to build this new creation. You were born to rule a new earth.”

The memories of the stories her grandmother told her crashed over once again.

“I’m just a witch.”

She cupped her face, eyes widening, “No, Mallory. Oh, you are so much more. Don’t you understand? No witch has ever been able to do what you can, because you are not simply extraordinary, you are divine.”

That doesn’t explain why you refuse to let me resurrect Cordelia.

She threw her hands down, turning in a huff, “Can’t you think of anything else?!”

Storm clouds began to gather on the horizon, “I have just told you that you are the daughter of God who will bring about a new world, and you’re worried about one stupid witch. Cordelia had to die. So did every other member of the coven,” she shook her head, frustrated, “Mallory you are my daughter, but it is also true that you are a witch. If every other witch was dead then the power of Supreme would transfer to you.”

Her words from before crossed her mind, “I wasn’t the next Supreme.”

She turned away from her, “No, Coco was.”

That was a punch to the gut. A sudden flash of a vision appeared before her. Her ancestor, Mara...and her adopted sister Jescha, who faded into Coco.

Her knees trembled. The woman went on, belligerent, “She was a vapid, stupid little girl but her powers were growing and given time and attention she would have ascended after Cordelia.” She faced Mallory again, a regretful expression scrunching her face, “Michael planned to kill everyone in the Outpost, I made sure that if no one else, Coco wouldn’t survive.”

“You wanted Michael to kill the coven,” the revelation shook the ground beneath her.

She held out her hands, almost in penance, “I know you cannot understand, but what I did was for a greater plan, a greater good.  The witches had to die...Mead had to die. It was a mutually beneficial arrangement. Michael’s father and I knew that in order for both of our children to be put on the right path...there had to be a catalyst. Mead’s death forced Michael to the Cooperative and allowed me to ensure that you would have all the power you needed to stop him.”

Fire exploded from Mallory’s fingertips, threatening to consume the woman; but she stopped the fireball, extinguishing it.

“You killed them!” Mallory screamed.

“Me?” her shoulders sagged, hurt, “Mallory it was Michael who walked into Robicheaux’s and erased your sisters.”

“You not only watched it,” she cried through gritted teeth, “you set up the pieces for it to happen.”

She tried to touch her, holding out her arms as if to embrace her, “I know my ways are difficult to understand!” Mallory knocked her back, “Don’t!”

The woman regained her stance, watching her daughter with pleading eyes.

“You think you’re different from Michael’s father? My life, Michael’s life, all of our lives are nothing but a game to you! You didn’t care about stopping the Apocalypse, you cared about winning. You and him are the same thing with different masks.”

“I am trying to make a new world!” she screamed, thunder peeling from the distance, “I want to mend everything that Michael has broken. And the only way for me to do that is if you defeat him.”

Mallory was shaking visibly, “I won’t hurt him. I won’t.”

She scoffed, “He sheds a few tears and suddenly you think you know him? He is a curse, an ugly blot on creation that should never have taken his first breath.”

She attempted to embrace her again, “You are my chosen vessel, my beautiful shining light that will destroy darkness once and for all.”

“I don’t want whatever world you create,” she spat.

The woman grew deadly serious, her voice dropping to a low, threatening tone. The storm rolled closer and closer, “Mallory, don’t make me hurt you. This will end on a battlefield, whether you choose to go willingly or not.” Mallory turned away from her, “Go to hell.”

She opened her eyes in Michael’s bed, hearing his steady breathing beside her. She clung to him and began to cry.

He awoke with a start, looking her over and trying to comfort her, “What’s wrong?”

“I know exactly who I am. And I wish I didn’t.”

He held her tightly, fully aware of their plight. He caressed her hair, “Every light casts a shadow, Mallory.”

She sobbed, “I won’t hurt you.”

“We won’t have a choice. Prophecy-“

“Fuck prophecy,” she pulled back, “fuck their stupid games,” she kissed him, “I love you.”

He breathed in deeply, laying his forehead on hers with an expression that declared his knowledge that this bliss couldn’t last; it was never going to.

“I love you,” he whispered against her lips.

...there is no happy love.

But it is our own love.

[virgiliananxiety]

The Dark and the Light

GUYS I FINALLY GET TO POST THIS

This is the first chapter for my fic for the @sanderssidesbang! It will update approximately every two weeks, but updates won’t start for at least another three weeks (I really need a break from this fic). Pairings: Eventual Prinxiety

Word Count: 6.2k 

Warnings: Mild violence and non-graphic gore, panic attack

Read it on AO3

This was really not how Virgil had planned on his evening going.

First off, the date he had been on was actually going pretty well. The guy was nice, and seemed kind of into the whole “dark and mysterious” aesthetic. That was, probably, until Virgil got a text with his latest assignment. Which started in five minutes.

Secondly, once he reached the location, a small concrete warehouse, which housed the head personnel of Deceit’s main rival drug ring, there were...complications. The mission was simple, go in, get the information he needed, slit the throats of whoever saw him, and get out.

Complications came in the form of the little asshole who saw him not being too cocky to call for backup.

“Deceit?” He snarled in response to the chatter in his earpiece. He was hidden in the shadows behind a crate, but by this point, the shadows were starting to fill the room. “What do you want?”

“Anxiety, dear,” Fuck, one of them is right there. “It’s come to light that some of our intel on this base was a little...off,” No shit. Left hook, hit him with a few more shadows, dart to the neck. Why the fuck did he have to scream? Think, Virgil, think! “It turns out that there are about fifty guards on the premises, and from what I’m seeing of traffic patterns, more are on their way.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Footsteps, there were more coming. But suddenly, the room went completely black. Not shadows black, that would take up too much of Virgil’s energy, but the pitch darkness was–

“Unfortunately,  I am not. Though I did shut off their power,” That would explain it. “Which should buy you a little extra time. So I would get that information and get out quick, if I were you.”

Of course, because it was fucking Deceit, he still needed to get the information. Great.

Looking down at the map on his wristband, the exit from the main storage room was only about 35 feet away. But in that 35 feet, there were seven sentries. Just fucking dandy.

The first was, well, an idiot. They charged blindly, and Virgil blocked their throws easily, flipping them over his knee. The second was more tactful, parrying as he jabbed. Their dance lasted for a while, the preamble to each move hidden in the darkness, before Virgil finally stabbed a tranquilizer into their neck.

The third was fast, but not fast enough. The fourth fell after an elbow to the solar plexus, and the fifth slashed Virgil with a jagged blade before he knocked them down. Shit, that might be deep. No time to think about it, and he hit the sixth, but they swept a leg behind him, knocking him clean off of his feet. He landed on his side. Hard. Shadows in their mouth, down to the lungs, and...release as they let out their last breath. Dammit, Virgil, why’d you have to follow that instinct? The power flickered back on, and Virgil hit the seventh with a quick dart to the neck, now that he could finally see. He could feel through his shadows, but that didn’t mean he could see in the dark.

Third left, up the stairs, override the lock, down the hall to the main hard drive. And he ran, long midnight purple jacket trailing behind him as he jumped up the stairs. In the distance more footsteps trailed behind him, but he cloaked himself in shadows, keeping close to the walls. Pressing the device Logan had given him (though he’d modified it for more...sinister usage) against the lock, Virgil took stock of his injuries. Cut in the crook between his left shoulder and neck, scrapes and bruises lining his sides, and even through his gloves he could feel his knuckles splitting. Again.

The unlocking mechanism gave a satisfied click, and Virgil shouldered the door open, reminding himself of the additional bruise he had there. He broke into a sprint again, the servers were finally in view.

But because Virgil wasn’t planning on downloading anything remotely tonight, his software wasn’t activated. So, he had to call his roommate.

“Hey, Roman?”

“What’s up Virgil? You need me to pick you up from somewhere?” It was a well know fact that Roman was the only one in their friend group with a car.

“No, I’m good. Is Logan there?” Virgil and Logan were supposed to meet up for post date (over) analysis about seven minutes ago. Logan was never late.

“Yeah, one sec.” There was a rustling as Roman’s cell was passed from one side of the room to the other, where Logan was, most likely, parked in his customary spot in Virgil’s desk chair.

“Hey, Lo, I’m really sorry I’m running late.”  He heard a huff from the other side of the line, but knew that Logan didn’t really mind. “But I need you to do something on my computer.”

“Is this a simple request? Or one that would require a seperate... technological interfacing?” Virgil could practically see him skeptically eyeing Roman from across the room. Virgil was the only one that Logan had ever told about his powers, how he was able to interface with most technology, and how that allowed him to develop some inventions of his own.

“Simple. I just need you to log in, and press activate on the window that’ll pop up.” He heard the keyboard clicking as Logan typed in his password, and then a mouse click as he activated the software, punctuated by the affirmative beep from Virgil’s wristband. DOWNLOADING FILES: 3% COMPLETE.

“What do you need remote downloading for?” Logan asked, seemingly trying to pass the time. 16% COMPLETE.

“Oh, I had to stop at the library and get a book, but I didn’t feel like getting a thumb drive out.” He felt bad lying to his best friend, but he knew that if Logan found out, it would result in a) Logan trying to get Virgil to stop, and ending up captured or killed by Deceit, b) Logan trying to help Virgil, and ending up captured and used by Deceit, or c) Logan trying to get Virgil out of his predicament, and ending up captured or killed by Deceit.

What was his predicament, exactly? Well, that traces back a long way, through many past traumas, foster homes, packed bags, and escape attempts. Back to when a man with scales on his face told a scared 14 year old boy that he could take him in and make the shadows stop. But that man ended up not being so nice, and now Virgil was trapped.

Footsteps broke through Virgil’s thoughts, but they were far off. 47% COMPLETE. “Logan, I’ve gotta go, I’ll talk to you later.” He ended the call, cutting off his friend’s goodbye, which he was surely going to hear about later.

He scanned his map, and found that there was only one other way out, straight up through an abandoned elevator shaft. Clambering onto one of the server towers, he hunched in the dark as the first hostile entered.

“I don’t see anything here,” they said into a crackling walkie-talkie. Virgil took another slow step, but the circuit below him creaked. Shit. “Wait, hold that thought.” 89% COMPLETE.

“Fuck it,” Virgil cursed under his breath, and broke into a sprint, his feet pounding against the metal. He heard the sentry yell something into his comm system, and Virgil fired a dart messily over his shoulder, he didn’t have the energy for more shadows.

93% COMPLETE. He raced to the end of the room. 94% COMPLETE. More guards charged into the room. 95% COMPLETE. Bullets whizzed past him, one passing only a few inches from his temple. 96% COMPLETE.  He skidded to a stop as he reached the end of the room, a large piece of plywood blocking his exit. 97% COMPLETE.  The running footsteps were coming closer, and Virgil traced the outline of the board with his fingers. 98% COMPLETE. He attempted to pry the plank from the wall, but couldn’t find an opening. 99% COMPLETE. He felt another bullet scrape by him, and it went straight through the plywood, which meant it was thin enough to be broken through.

“Fuck it,” he muttered, and body slammed through the opening, bursting through in a hurricane of splinters.

“Download complete.” An automated voice sounded from his wristband. Well thank god it’s complete, lest I die falling with an incomplete download.

Virgil fired a grappling hook, and pulled himself up onto the roof, surveying the city below him. The lights were beautiful at this time of night, and the lit windows framed by dark buildings looked like the stars.

But he couldn’t stand there for long, for the night wasn’t over yet.

Roman hadn't had an extremely clear vision of how his night would go, but this was definitely not it.

"There are only eight planets! Pluto is essentially a glorified moon!" He practically yelled. He had progressively grown closer to the other man, and they were now a mear couple of feet from each other.

“Falsehood! There’s a current debate discussing the redefinition of ‘planet’, which would make your every argument null and void, and Pluto securely in planetary status.” Logan crossed his arms, nudging his glasses further up his nose. “In other words, Viva la Pluto, and fuck you.” He raised an eyebrow smugly, and Roman opened his mouth to retort.

“Hey, guys,” Virgil stumbled through the entrance to the dorm, clutching his left side. “I hope I’m not too late for some spicy space symposium.” He smirked, but winced in pain.

“Yeah, you’re not participating in anything right now.” Roman walked over and clutched Virgil’s shoulders, lowering him to the bed. “I think you just need some rest,” He motioned for Logan to dim the lights, and he reached over and turned on Virgil’s desk lamp. “And we’ll have you all set by morning to talk about Pluto.”

“M’kay,” Virgil murmured, allowing Roman to shrug off his sweater, and Roman winced at the open gash in his shoulder. He didn’t know what was going on, but this was at least the fourth time Virgil had come home banged up like this, and it was starting to seriously concern his roommate. “‘M gonna sleep now.”

“Okay.” Roman took a last look at Virgil’s already sleeping form and went to go grab his medical supplies. His nursing-theater double major had few perks, but being able to patch up his friends at any time was something that he cherished. Especially after Virgil had said “no hospitals”.

Roman returned from his desk to see Logan hunched over his friend, worry painting his features. As much as the other man tried to uphold his apathetic facade, Roman had seen several cracks throughout the years, several being caused by Virgil.

“Logan, can you stroke his hair to keep him calm while I look at this cut? It may be deep and need stitches.” Logan nodded, and Roman took a look and the cut. It definitely needed stitches, which meant that Roman would have to make a quick run to the nursing lab. “Ok, Xavier, you keep him here. If he wakes up, give him water, half a protein bar, and then back to sleep. Find his phone in whatever pocket it’s in, and confiscate it. He needs to rest.” He grabbed his jacket, and broke off into a sprint to get more supplies.

Several hours and seven stitches later, Roman fell back onto his bed. Logan had left only a few minutes ago, but now Roman was alone, trying to shut down his mind. But truly, how could he when his crus–roommate was lying there with a gash in his shoulder and bruises lining his body. When the boy who put on makeup every morning to cover the bags under his eyes had come home beaten and battered once a week for the past three months, but this time was the only time that he’d let Roman take care of him.

Though Logan had assured Roman that Virgil wasn’t in an abusive relationship, he couldn’t help but jump to that conclusion. He couldn’t help but remember his mom’s screams in the middle of the night. Images of dents in plaster and bloodied tissues clogged his mind, and he felt himself grabbing a piece of blanket and balling it in his fist.

It would be fine. They, being Logan, Roman, and Patton, would ask Virgil what was going on tomorrow morning. Tonight, though, Roman just really needed to get some sleep.

“What the fu–” Virgil awoke with a start as someone shook his shoulder. He sat up and immediately regretted it, groaning as pain shot up his side and into his shoulder.

“Hey, kiddo, glad to see you’re awake.” Virgil turned to see his three closest friends standing over him. Patton gave him a small smile, but there was visible concern overtaking all three of them. Judging by the bandages on his shoulder, and the fact that he was wearing a clean hoodie, they were going to ask him what happened last night.

“Virgil, you know that we only want to best for you, right?” Logan asked.

“What is this, an intervention?” Virgil murmured. What the hell was he going to tell them? That he could control shadows and drain people’s life energy by being in physical contact with them for too long? Yeah, that really wasn’t going to work.

“No, but we do need to know why the hell I needed to put seven stitches in you last night.” Virgil looked up to see Roman leaning against the wall, and he seemed almost...hurt? Jesus, the last thing Virgil wanted to do was hurt the man he was in love wi–his roommate. This was no time for intrusive gay thoughts.

“I–I fell?” He tried to keep his his tone level, but it ended up coming out as more of a question. In response, Roman slammed his fist against the wall.

“Onto a fucking knife?” He exclaimed, and the hurt in his voice turned to anger. Patton placed a soft hand onto his arm, but Roman shook it off as he stepped forward. “You came stumbling back here, an hour late for your and Logan’s post-date. You were delirious from pain, and I had to go to the fucking storage in the lab to get shit to stitch you up, and we’re extremely lucky Terrence was there last night. I’ve seen the missing medical supplies in my kit for months, Virgil, so for the last time, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?” He raised his voice to a yell at the end, causing Virgil to wince back.

“Roman!” Patton turned on his Dad Voice, and sternly turned on the other man. “I understand that you are upset, but you have no right to jump on Virgil like this!”

“Look, it’s my fault.” Virgil murmured, and felt the pit in his stomach from lying grow a bit more. “I didn’t want to tell you guys this, but after dates I’ve been walking through...some of the less accepting neighborhoods. Looking for fights, or to get beat up.” It felt awful to lie to them, but truly, what choice did he have? “I guess it’s a form of self sabotage, or something.”

“Jesus, Virge.” Roman stepped closer, this time to plop down next to him on the bed and place a comforting hand on his thigh. Which sent more tingles through Virgil than he would willingly admit. “I’m so sorry. Please, in the future, call me, I’ll pick you up from wherever, whenever.”

“It’s my fault. I’ll try not to do it as much,” Or rather, he would hide it better.

“Or at all.” Patton lovingly rubbed his back, leaning into his side. And Virgil felt like literal human garbage.

Roman had always loved the snow. But that was before he had to fight some guy who wore all dark and conjured shadows in it.

He hurled another branch at the guy, dubbed by the papers “Anxiety”, catching him in the side. He didn’t want to hurt the guy, but on the other hand, he...really wanted to hurt this guy. Or at least do equivalent damage to what had been done to his pride.

Before this, Roman had been a freelance hero, or at least your friendly neighborhood super-strengthened and bulletproof man. He was able to rescue kids from doing dumb shit, stop a couple of drug deals from going down, that kind of thing. But that was before some dumb asshole in an annoying cool jacket starting fucking with him.

At the start, it was just interfering with his anti-drug operations. But then it became active antagonization, ruining everything Roman tried to help. And when the person didn’t fight with bullets, only really bad lighting, it became an issue.

“You didn’t have to kill the people in this ring!” Roman shouted as he circled around his emo enemy. “You could have just given them to the actual justice system!”

“If you knew anything about me,” A shadow swept towards Roman, curling around his neck and slightly infiltrating his mask. “You’d know,” he motioned a hand upwards, and Roman found himself having trouble breathing, “I couldn’t do that.” Roman tried to run after him, but in a rush of darkness, Anxiety ran off through the night.

“Virgil, dear, it’s been a while since you’ve been down here. What’s the occasion?” Deceit didn’t even bother to look up from his table, writing down some formula or another.

“I need to see Elliott about the new tech and get patched up. I would go to their place, but they said they’re here?” After coming out as non-binary, the hyper-intelligent and slightly emo kid had found themself homeless, and went through the same Deceit process Virgil did. Except after much negotiation, they were paid, and so they lived in a small studio apartment in the part of town where no one asked questions, only using Deceit’s lab when absolutely necessary.

“And here I thought you’d come to see your dear old ferocious father figure.” Deceit drawled, turning around and gesturing towards the staircase at the far end of the room. “He’s downstairs, and make sure you’re good as new before coming up.”

Virgil backed towards the stairs, having known Deceit long enough to not leave his back unwatched. He finally turned to walk down the stairs, glancing over his shoulder every few seconds, and hearing a soft laugh emit from the other man.

“Hey, Ell, what’s going on?” Elliott was positioned at a microscope, and something was heating up on the bunsen burner next to it. They held up one finger, and wagged it towards a bench, motioning for him to sit. Virgil shouldered off his jacket, wincing as he touched bruised skin. Pulling up his shirt, he did a preliminary assessment, but there were just scrapes and bruises. He also needed a little energy boost, because the guy was seemingly impermeable, making Virgil’s job a bit harder.

“Ok. I’m done here. What’s it this time?” Elliott stripped off his gloves, grabbing his rather eccentric med kit off a shelf.

“Asshole threw a tree at me.” Virgil grumbled as they took a closer look. “Just slather it with your magic ointment shit and let me go.”

“No, dickhead, there’s to big of a surface area, and it’s too close to your intestines because you have a zero percent body fat.” Elliott grabbed a tube, and started applying small amounts to the already scabbing area. “This might sting a bit, start talking to distract you from it.”

“How’s...Mitchell doing?” Virgil emphasized the syllables of Elliott’s boyfriend with a particular hatred. “Any new assholic behaviors I should know about?” They rolled their eyes, starting to strap a bandage onto Virgil’s side.

“He’s fine, and we’re fine. I started seeing this new therapist, too.” They finished the bandage, and whatever that cream was really started to sting.

“Oh?”

“Yeah, Dr. Picani.” Elliott nodded, smiling, they seemed to actually like this one. Unlike the last guy, who was, to say the least, a transphobic asshole. Virgil didn’t like to waste innocent lives, but there was a special place on his knife for those who hurt the one he considered a little sibling. “His methods are...unorthodox, but I think it’s going to work well.”

“And how does your boyfriend feel about you seeing him?” Virgil asked, eyebrows pinched in concern. Elliott shrunk back, though slightly, and grabbed another product to help with the bruises.

“It doesn’t matter.” That place on his knife? Mitchell was starting to qualify. “Speaking of love lives, though, how’s it with you-know-who?” They raised an eyebrow, slightly wiggling their shoulders.

“Fuck you,” Virgil lightly punched them in the shoulder, but couldn’t help the blushing grin from his face. “He’s extra, beautiful, strong as hell, and the other day he was singing to himself while he got ready. His voice is just incredible, I can’t believe that I live with an angel.” He stopped himself, meeting Elliott’s eyes and their knowing look. “And also, incredibly out of my league.”

“You’re wrong, but that’s something for another time.” Elliott stepped back, allowing Virgil’s shirt to fall over his injuries. “Those should only take a few hours to heal up, bounce coffee shops until the bandage adhesive starts to crust and loosen. Then you should be good to go home, but make sure to use the lotion I gave you every day to keep your skin okay. I just have one more thing, but I think we should talk as we walk, I need to get home.” They glanced over to the corner where they and Virgil had discovered the bug placed by Deceit. It wasn’t always running, but they had no way of knowing when it was.

“Okay,” Virgil grabbed his bag, trading his long coat for a hoodie, “Let’s go, then.”

They sat at a bus stop, waiting for a bus to pull up for Elliott. The wind blew Virgil’s purple streaked hair over to the other side, causing his companion to smirk. He watched as they fiddled with the hem of their skirt, obviously nervous for whatever they had to tell Virgil.

“I had a breakthrough.” Elliott jerked their head up to meet Virgil’s eyes, and stammered on despite his incredulous gaze. “On the fear toxin-esque chemical? Y’know the one he’s been forcing me to make?”

“Shit.” Was the most eloquent thing Virgil could muster.

“I haven’t tested it on humans, but the chemicals should act, when inhaled, as an extreme anxiety amplifier.” They looked so small, and so scared. Elliot had once said that their brain would be the death of them one day, and by their current state, Virgil couldn’t be sure it wouldn’t be. “Virgil, this thing that I’ve created, it could cause panic attacks that paralyze people. I–I don’t want him to have it.” At the last part their voice dropped to a whisper, and tears started to track down their face. Elliott sniffed and rubbed their cheeks, not looking up to meet Virgil’s eyes. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Hey, hey,” Virgil crouched in front of them. “Breathe. I’ll figure something out, I promise. Just keep breathing.” They took a shuddering breath, matching Virgil’s strokes on their hand. “It’s okay. Just go home, hug your sister, and take a shower. It’ll be okay.” And as much as he wanted to believe that, Virgil didn’t know if he could.

Roman burst the door to his dorm open, expecting the apartment to as empty as he left it. Instead, he was confronted with his purple haired roommate. Shirtless. From the back, he was all lean muscle and sticking out shoulder blades, the curve of his hips falling into his perfectly shaped–

“Roman?” Virgil turned, pausing the toweling of his hair. Roman ripped his eyes up to Virgil’s (only after a glance at his abs, Roman could appreciate art), and nervously scratched his neck. “I wasn’t expecting you to come home this late.”

“Ditto, dude.” Look anywhere but him, you gay motherfucker, anywhere but him. “You’ve been like a ghost the past couple weeks.” It was true, they’d barely seen each other except for studying and occasional ramen breaks since Thanksgiving.

“Yeah, that’s my bad, I’ve been working on a film project that’s mostly being shot at night.” Virgil explained, pulling on a hoodie. Roman walked over to his bed, dropping down and kicking off his shoes. “What’s your excuse, Mr. Double Major?”

“Well, my fucking double major,” Roman laid back onto his pillow, relaxing a bit for the first time that day. “But also, trying to think of a Secret Santa gift for Logan?”

“Oh, that’s a toughie. I got Patton, and I have no ideas, ugh.” Virgil sighed into his hands, plopping cross legged onto his bed. He stuck out a lip, blowing the bangs out of his faces, which was far more endearing than Roman would ever admit.

“But then of course there’s finals,” Roman pulled out his laptop, opening the study spreadsheet that Logan had helped him make. When they had been roommates Roman’s freshman year, the tension and hatred between the two would take a knife to cut. But over time, new friends, growth, and two “frienterventions” (the name was Patton’s idea), they had overcome their differences.

“Oh god, don’t remind me,” Virgil stretched up, his hoodie riding up above his hips, and Roman found himself staring. Not at his body, but rather the faded purple bruises that adorned his hips. Virgil’s eyes narrowed in confusion, but after following Roman’s eyes, he dropped his arms, pulling his sweatshirt over his hips.

“Virgil–” Roman started to reach out, only to be cut off by the other man.

“I need to go shower.” He all but sprinted out of the dorm room, leaving Roman to fall back onto his bed, a million thoughts racing through his mind. And not a single one was good.

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. He saw the bruises, even though Virgil had been so careful. He’d been so careful for two months not to come home if he was too beaten up, he’d been so careful to slather on Elliot’s cream whenever he could. He’d been so fucking careful, and yet Roman had still seen the marks.

He threw his towel over a hook, stripping down and turning the shower up as hot as it could go. It burned his skin, but he deserved it, deserved to have all his flesh stripped from his body for hurting him. Deserved to feel the ache on his sides turn to a roaring fire as he pressed inwards, curling into himself. Deserved to feel the hard force of metal on his back as he slammed into the wall of the shower stall, doing his best to breathe as the tears fell, but the oxygen was catching in his throat, and he couldn’t force it down. He stood there for a few minutes, and felt shadows start to envelope him, holding, comforting.

Slowly, he turned the water down, his energy drained from the tight spiral of shadows that still curled around his body.

“Virgil?” Logan’s voice filtered through the steam. Virgil heard the “shink” of the outer shower curtain opening and a muffled “What the hell?”

He turned, trying to collect his racing thoughts. “Logan, what the fuck are you doing?” Virgil thickened this shadows around his body, and he felt the energy leave his body. Logan pushed through the last curtain, a look of pure shock coming over his features. “This isn’t gay fanfiction, you can’t just waltz in here.”

“Well, at least explain all of this.” Logan asked, waving his hand through the lingering shadows. “Is it–is it some sort of concentrated element? It’s fascinating.”

“What? Okay, no, that isn’t–they’re shadows, Logan.” Virgil clenched and unclenched his fist. “Will you please let me put on some damn clothes?”

“Fine. But you are going to explain everything to me as soon as you’re done.” Logan crossed his arms, and Virgil wrapped a towel around himself, the shadows finally dissipating as he exhaled. “Seriously, though, how does it work? Do you conjure them, what the range on it–”

“LOGAN!” Virgil yelled, more forcefully than he intended. “I just had a fucking panic attack because Roman saw the bruises and found out I’ve been lying to him for months. Also, yes, I can manipulate shadows, it’s a sort of dark mattered energy that I’m not exactly certain how works.” Logan just stared at him, eyes wide in front of Virgil’s outburst. “It’s the reason that I kept running away from the homes, until I was fourteen and a fucking criminal mastermind or whatever you want to call him picked me up off the goddamn street.” He could feel the words slurring as he worked himself up, but he needed to tell someone, even if it was just shouting it at his best friend. “You know that guy, the one the news has dubbed ‘Anxiety’? That’s fucking me. I’ve been doing this shit for nine. Fucking. Years. And I’m trapped, and the only thing I can do is keep working for him, keep killing and stealing and breaking for him. I have to keep doing this because if I don’t, he’ll torture and kill everyone I love, and make me watch. I’m so scared, Logan. I’m so fucking scared that I can’t breathe sometimes.” His voice cracked on the last words, and a sob finally escaped his body. Logan reached out, but all Virgil could do was push him away, throw on his clothes, and escape into the starless night.

“Hello?” Phone calls from unknown numbers were something most people were accustomed to, but Elliott didn’t get four in a row from the same number at 1:37 in the morning most nights. Well, five, counting this one.

“Hello. I am attempting to reach Elliott?” They weren’t sure what was going on, but the person on the other side sounded panicked, so they sat up and closed their laptop.

“Yeah, that’s me. What do you need?” Elliot replied, and a heavy exhale came through the phone speakers.

“I’m Logan Xavier, and I’m trying to find Virgil Sanders.” As soon as they heard the words, something clicked inside Elliott. Virgil’s best friend Logan, who appeared to have been affected by the same injections that Elliott and Virgil had, and that his powers were interfacing with technology. How Logan didn’t know about their mutual friend’s shadows, and how Elliott was saved in a private section of Virgil’s computer and phone that could only be accessed if you knew where to look. Or, they guessed, if your brain could automatically hack any system you touched.

“He told you?”

“Yes.” Logan paused, and the weight of his words settled on Elliott’s shoulders. “And now he’s gone. I’ve looked everywhere, and you’re the only one in his contacts I don’t recognize.”

“Yeah,” Elliot threw on a pair of jeans and ran a hand through their hair. “Give me two hours, I can find him.” Logan let out a relieved sigh as Elliott pulled their jacket off its hook. “Oh, and Logan?”

“Yeah?”

“Just let me talk to him, okay? I know where to look, and I know what to do.” They could practically feel the older man opening his mouth to interject. “As good as you are for Virgil in a lot of situations, this isn’t one of them.”

“I understand. Thank you, Elliott. Goodbye.” The line went dead, and Elliott opened their door, stepping out into the city at night.

“You know, sitting on the roof of an abandoned building at 2:30 in the morning kind of marks you as emo.” Virgil looked up from his stare at the tops of surrounding buildings to see Elliott climbing up the last rungs of the access ladder.

“And you joining me kind of marks you as one too.” He responded, smirking through his chapped lips and smudged makeup. “How did you know to look for me?”

“Logan called.” Virgil felt the smirk fall off his face as he turned back to the streets below him. “And we don’t have to talk about him.” He heard footsteps come closer as they neared the ledge he was perched on. “Just scooch over.”

“Well, how did you know where to find me?” Virgil couldn’t help but lean into his friend as he stared at the cars passing by.

“There’s trackers embedded in all your coats, and this was the third abandoned rooftop I checked.” Elliott chuckled under their breath. “Pigeons are much less impressed with my witty one-liners.”

“I have to keep them somewhere, and there’s a lot of abandoned rooftops in this city.” Virgil said in half-hearted protest. The coats were good, they had everything he’d ever needed on a job. And the fabric was warm and comforting, an he didn’t have the energy for any more shadows to blanket himself with.

Elliott leaned back, raising both hands in mock submission. “I wasn’t judging, just observing.”

“Well, they are made by a master of all seam work.” Virgil laughed, a real smile finally adorning his face.

“You flatter me, V.” They joined in his laughter, and Virgil cracked a few more jokes, letting the conversation flow into the night, the sounds of the city drowned out by the sounds of their happiness.

By 3:26, Roman had completely given up on sleep.

After Logan had left around 1:15 with Virgil’s contacts on his phone, Roman knew the night would be long. He’d poured a cup of tea, and cracked opened his textbook, attempt to read about possible respiratory issues in postanesthesia care unit.

By 1:43, Roman had completely given up on studying.

He opened his laptop, a fresh face mask applied to his skin. It was going to be a long night, so he figured that a little bit of Riverdale couldn’t hurt. As it turns out, after watching an episode and a half in his bed, Roman didn’t really care about who was a Southside Serpent and who kissed who. So, naturally, he decided to go to sleep.

That had clearly not panned out.

So that’s how he’d ended up at here, at 3:26, scrolling through his music library to find something to soothe his ever-heightening nerves. He clicked on a random Spotify mix, and opening guitar chords filtered from his speakers, Rihanna’s voice resounding through his speakers.

I think I’ve had enough.

I might get a little drunk.

Roman smiled, and for some reason the song reminded him of others. He started queuing up what he needed, slowly beginning to sing along to the woman he hailed as a queen.

Cause all of my kindness,

Is taken taken for weakness.

He laid back onto his bed, closing his eyes and losing himself for a moment. For a moment, every thought of Virgil, every thought of the purple clad villain almost constantly plaguing his thoughts, every thought about his classes and his upcoming show, they all dissipated. For a moment, he was lost in the beats and instrumentals and melodies. For a moment, he was lost and he wasn’t sure he wanted to be found.

But that moment was shattered as a very tired looking, beaten up Virgil stumbled through the door. He looked up with surprised as he saw Roman was still awake, and fumbled to pull off his headphones.

Roman stood up, his instinct telling him go to him, comfort him, before the events of earlier came crashing down onto his shoulders. He pulled back, giving Virgil some space, and ran a nervous hand through his hair.

“Virgil, I’m sorry about earlier. I overstepped my bounds, it was really uncool of me. I just want to apolo–”

“Roman, stop,” Virgil cut him off, his voice firm and low. Roman looked up at him, and watched a tense, forced smile plaster itself on his friend’s face. “Please. Can we just, can we just talk about this sometime else? I can’t–I can’t really talk about it right now.” He moved to sit on his bed, shedding his long coat and headphones. “Oh, is this that album you wanted me to listen to?”

Roman had completely forgotten the music that was still playing, and he tuned in to hear the first chorus of a song he’d been begging Virgil to listen to for months. Deciding to let the subject change, he switched his queue to the rest of the album, leaning back on his bed once more.

He wanted to say something, to comfort Virgil, but every time he opened his mouth the words died in his throat. There was nothing he could say, nothing he could do. There were his powers, of course, but how could he use them to protect Virgil when he didn’t know who was hurting him? If he asked, he could end up in a state like tonight, or worse. There was just no right thing to say or do, and Roman turned the thought over and over in his mind until a restless sleep finally claimed him.

[dolce-elegy]

Hartman: The Wannabe King of the “Seven Mountains”

[Better looking/better formatted version on Google Docs]

A couple of days ago while, sitting back, relaxing along with eating some popcorn while enjoying the unfolding Oaxis drama I came across this tweet that talked about how a network by the name of Daystar, that was associated with Butch Hartman, supports a “Christian” cult by the name of Bethel Church.

While that sentence alone of Hartman playing a game of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon with a literal fucking cult would have been the ridiculous icing on the cake on this whole trainwreck, I ended up becoming curious and went down the rabbit hole so to speak. The horrible, horrible right-wing “Christian” rabbit hole. Thank God for private browsing let me tell you… Basically what I found out was while Hartman had no definitive ties to this Bethel Church (which let me tell you the stuff that I read about it was really…something. I suggest reading this Buzzfeed article about their actual real-life-i-am-not-joking school named Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry, which is basically and again I am not fucking kidding the right-wing “prophecy” and “faith healing”-focused version of Hogwarts) and he and his family only did a short interview with Daystar, I did however find some interesting facts about the company that Hartman and his family keeps along with his ties to another evangelical ministry which…let’s be honest still sounds like a fucking cult.

Like let me tell you this post’s got everything: homophobic bullshit ministries tied to what is essentially considered to be an “evangelical mecca,” an unaccredited two year “bible college” where you gotta pay over $4,000 too much each school year for what is not a legitimate degree, Hartman’s NOOG Network being used to help fund said “bible college,” “faith healing,” and a fucked-up-when-you-think-about-it religious doctrine/end-game master plan of Evangelical/Charismatic churches that even the most over-the-top super villain would call cliche.

Anyways if you want the short version, Hartman’s whole indoctrination plan using Oaxis goes a lot deeper than that and is directly tied and influenced by an evangelical practice called “The Seven Mountain Mandate” where seven different facets of society need to be controlled and influenced by their version of “Christianity” in order to create a perfect and “Godly" world with one of those facets being that of “arts and entertainment…” I’m going to warn you right now this is going to be extremely long but hopefully worth it in the end.

So shall we begin? (Also RIP mobile users)

Before I get into the meat of the details, let me go more in depth as to what “The Seven Mountain Mandate” is. According to GotQuestions.org, an online “ministry” made up of people from various Christian sects, answering people’s questions about Christianity, this is what it is all about:

“The seven mountain mandate or the seven mountain prophecy is an anti-biblical and damaging movement that has gained a following in some Charismatic and Pentecostal churches. Those who follow the seven mountain mandate believe that, in order for Christ to return to earth, the church must take control of the seven major spheres of influence in society for the glory of Christ. Once the world has been made subject to the kingdom of God, Jesus will return and rule the world.

Here are the seven mountains, according to the seven mountain mandate:

1) Education

2) Religion

3) Family

4) Business

5) Government/Military

6) Arts/Entertainment

7) Media

These seven sectors of society are thought to mold the way everyone thinks and behaves. So, to tackle societal change, these seven “mountains” must be transformed. The mountains are also referred to as ‘pillars,’ ‘shapers,’ ‘molders,’ and ‘spheres.’ Those who follow the seven mountain mandate speak of ‘occupying’ the mountains, ‘invading’ the culture, and ‘transforming’ society.”

Yeah so holy fuck this is like some Illuminati bullshit right here. Well, some Sunday school Illuminati bullshit but still kind of troubling none-the-less.

The website also goes on to say,

“The seven mountain mandate has its roots in dominion theology, which started in the early 1970s with a goal of ‘taking dominion’ of the earth, twisting Genesis 1:28 to include a mandate for Christians to control civil affairs and all other aspects of society. The New Apostolic Reformation, with its self-appointed prophets and apostles, has also influenced the seven mountain movement, lending dreams and visions and other extra-biblical revelations to the mandate.

The seven mountain mandate says that it is the duty of all Christians to create a worldwide kingdom for the glory of Christ. Teachers in the movement use Isaiah 2:2, which mentions mountains, in an attempt to support their view: ‘In the last days the mountain of the LORD’s temple will be established as the highest of the mountains; it will be exalted above the hills, and all nations will stream to it.’ The principal goal of dominion theology and the seven mountain mandate is political and religious domination of the world through the implementation of the moral laws—and subsequent punishments—of the Old Testament.”

So let’s go over the facts again about good ol’ Elmer’s Oaxis streaming service. The same day Hartman’s kickstarter was funded, a video of him talking at a Lance Wallnau’s conference in Lone Tree, Colorado, by the name of “Wealthbuilders” surfaced. Now you may be asking; who in the fresh hell is Lance Wallnau, well to know a little bit more about Wallnau here’s what he says about himself on his website:

“Dr. Wallnau is an internationally recognized speaker, business and political strategist. USA Today reports that he is one of only three evangelical leaders to have accurately predicted Donald Trump's Presidency. Dr. Wallnau's best selling book, ‘Gods Chaos Candidate’ is credited as being the catalyst that mobilized thousands of Christian's to vote for Donald Trump and contributed to Trumps unprecedented election victory.”

I also highly doubt that he has actual doctorate in theology but that’s just me.

This dude also of course,

loves Milo Yiannopoulos

and last year in March, according to Right Wing Watch he,

“…claimed Alt-Right troll Milo Yiannopoulos for Jesus Christ and prophesied that he will one day be leading revivals on college campuses.

Wallnau said that he began listening to Yiannopoulos in the wake of the controversy regarding his comments condoning pederasty and found him to be a brave truth-teller who ‘is exposing the tyranny and fascist spirit behind the progressive left.’ Yiannopoulos is like 'a prophetic fencer just scoring point after point,’ Wallnau said, which is why the left is out to destroy him.”

That...is a loaded fucking statement right there if I’ve ever seen one...

“But the left will not destroy him, Wallnau predicted, because Yiannopoulos is going to undergo a radical religious conversion and lead an army of millennial prophets who will take on the left.

‘I’m claiming Milo in the name of Jesus for the Kingdom of God,’ Wallnau declared. ‘Just like [Donald] Trump was an unlikely candidate for us as a deliverer in the presidency … God hid himself in Trump, I think God is hiding himself in Milo and I’m calling him out in Jesus’ name to salvation.’”

So fucking yeah…there’s that…Ohhhhhh and it gets even better…so going back to Got Questions, guess who’s movement’s biggest influencer is and who basically started it all…That’s right it’s troll boy’s biggest fanboy,

“Lance P. Wallnau coined the term seven mountain mandate and is its most prominent teacher. Wallnau adapts the missionary mandate of Jesus to His disciples to ‘go and make disciples’ of all the nations into a mandate to effect social transformation. He reasons that, since churches already have a presence in every nation in the world, we need to now concentrate on influencing the systems (the ‘mountains’) within these nations. The problem, according to Wallnau, is that Christians are not currently influencing society outside the church. Christians have left the mountains susceptible to the ‘gates of hell,’ which are spiritual portals over the ‘kings’ (influence-shapers) of those mountains.

Wallnau’s teaching is loosely based on the Abrahamic Covenant, which promised Abraham a seed and a lasting inheritance. Also, Israel was promised in Deuteronomy 28:12–14 to be the ‘head and not the tail' among the nations. Proponents of the seven mountain mandate infer that the church, not Israel, is the entity to claim that promise. It is now up to believers to move in proximity to the ‘gates of hell’ and position themselves to exert the greatest amount of influence. The church then needs to be dissected into ‘micro components’ and infiltrate the mountains. Since every Christian can’t position himself at the top of every mountain, each individual is to find his particular smaller peak and be a leader in that realm.”

Yeah…

Anyways, Wallnau’s “Wealthbuillders” is a “business” conference that claims that it could help a person get out of debt, discover “God’s plan” for them, and how to ���influence,” make a “difference” and how “..to know which of the Seven Mountains...” they’re “...meant to impact.”

This conference and the video of Butch laying out his “plan” also surprisingly enough happened back in February. And I just love how literally right off the bat, like 30 seconds in, he starts talking about the “Mountain of Arts and Entertainment” and how Lance Wallnau gave him and his wife the idea. Some other choice quotes are:

“We’re gonna save culture. We’re gonna save families. We are going to speak to them in parables…” Time stamp 12:37

“We’re gonna win freakin’ awards for our programming in order to make a dent …We’re gonna make a dent in this mountain of entertainment I promise you and the minute I put this up people will flock to this…” Time stamp 17:48

“We must win back our future, and like Lance says, ‘We are the stone that is gonna slay the giant.’” Time stamp 18:29

Also I haven’t seen other people talk about this but there were also two other Evangelical talk shows that both he and his family (particularly his wife who is heavily involved in the promotion of Oaxis) appeared on in early July. One was his and his family’s (including his two daughters) appearance promoting Oaxis on the aforementioned Daystar Network’s “Marcus and Joni” show on July 16th with the timestamp starting at 6:19 (and here’s a link to a youtube clip if you don’t want to give them the clicks), that I mentioned earlier. Daystar is one of America’s largest religious networks with close to 100 affiliates (specifically 94) all across the US. Also fun fact: Marcus and Joni are married and Marcus being the “good and moral Christian” that he is, had an extramarital affair a while back, had to pay blackmailers millions in dollar to keep quiet about until he was forced to admit said affair in order to stop them, which then culminated in Daystar getting sued by a former executive who stated that knowledge of the affair caused her “...great emotional pain.”

Moving on, in this video it you’ll see the same egotistical thing about how Hartman claims that “…God told me to start this new network…” and “God told us to launch this Kickstarter…”

His wife Julieann also states this interesting little tidbit,

“Yeah I feel that, you know, Christians have been pushed into a corner when it comes to entertainment. That we can’t watch this and we can’t watch this and it’s like why is that? So that’s why we’ve created this. It’s gonna be amazing. You know I’m a mom of two daughters and you know I was helicopter mom, and I still am even though they’re adults. But you know we’ve gotta watch because they sometimes, you know, they don’t realize what they’re watching and what they’re getting into. And so it’s really important that we have a streaming service like this to where you can put your kids in front of; your adult kids in front of; your teenage kids in front and say ‘you know what I’m safe at home right here at Oaxis…at Oaxis entertainment…’”

So wait, according to her even full-grown adults still have to stay under the thumb of their parents and you think that even though they’re adults they’re still not mature enough to sort through the kinds of media that they want?? Jesus Christ and here I thought my parents were overprotective.

Now the second interview that Hartman and his wife did (and which actually at an earlier date on July 2), was appearing on the “Truth and Liberty” Youtube live cast, by the name of “Animator Butch Hartman: Teen Suicide, Depression & Impacting Cultu [re]” (yeah they deadass ran out of room to write the title) [EDIT: VIDEO HAS BEEN DELETED] of yet another slimy self-proclaimed “Christian,” by the name of Andrew Wommack.

Now Wommack and Wallhau are terrible people BFFS along with being BFFs to the Hartman family due to his past history with Hartman’s wife that I will get into in a bit. He’s also of course a bit of an infamous homophobic evangelical preacher.

“If the radical LGBT community uses this as a platform to start further suppressing the religious liberties of Christians—which I’m sure is coming—then this could cause a backlash against their radical agenda by so many people that it could bring America back to her senses.

The true hate speech today is not from Christians against homosexuals; it is the other way around. The homosexual community are the ones who hate Christianity and any moral standards. They are the ones who are truly intolerant. Beneath all the rhetoric is a true hatred for Christianity, the Bible, and all the moral restraints they impose. This is the spirit of antichrist that is working in the whole earth (1 John 4:3).” - from “Andrew’s Response to the Supreme Court’s Decision, June 26, 2015” Andrew Wommack Ministries Blog

Oh and he has just as interesting views on suicide as Elmer does~

“This isn’t a disease for which we have no cure. This is totally preventable, but not by teaching people how to cope better, having more drugs for treatment of mental illness, or staging more interventions by friends and family. Those are just treating the symptoms. In order to treat the problem, we have to correctly diagnose the cause.

The root problem is that our society has unleashed pure evil into our culture through promoting immorality and sin through media, schools, and government while marginalizing Christianity and its godly influence. We’ve had a major departure from the moral standards that held evil in check for hundreds of years in this nation, and now we are paying the price.”

He is just as much as Wallnau is, all about the Seven Mountains let me tell you that. So much so that he owns an “entrepreneurial” company by the name of 7M Ventures, Inc. which falls under the umbrella of his main brand of Andrew Wommack Ministries (where he has congregations all over the US and the World) and his website by the name of TruthandLiberty.net. In 7M Ventures, Inc.’s main description on twitter, it talks about how it’s “…focused on influencing the world and providing income to fund ministry growth.”

And presented without comment

Anyways, going back to the Hartman interview, here’s some “choice” quotes and things that happened in this video.

Time stamp 00:00 INTRO: “We believe we have a mandate to bring Godly change to our nation and the world through the seven spheres or mountains of influence…”

Time stamp 02:05 “So tonight we are going to be about talking about the ‘arts and entertainment’ mountain because ‘truth and liberty’ is really about all the seven mountains.” -Karen Conrad, co-host

Time stamp 5:30 “…And I really think that looking at the entertainment mountain these days I think we really are in need of a lot more family entertainment…”

Hartman also goes more into detail about how Wallnau gave him the inspiration for Oaxis at 5:45:

“Lance Wallnau and I was up talking about the mountain of entertainment and how a lot of Christian people; and we’re Christian people, are kind of intimidated by Hollywood and things like that; they just want Hollywood to just go away. And we looked at each other and went ‘we gotta go…got to go in and at least bring an option into Hollywood that; not there’s no family friendly entertainment out there but it’s sort of treated like the kids table at Thanksgiving. Like it’s not taken very seriously, um, as much as I think it should be and a lot of other stuff is out there that I think, you know, maybe a lot of kids and families don’t really want to watch. And so we thought, you know, we should do we should a streaming service just for the family…”

Time stamp 7:33 Julieann talks about doing a “news program” for the Oaxis network where it will only talk about “positive” news stories

Time stamp 10:20 Hartman basically insinuates that the reason why teen suicides are up so much is because of phones.

Time stamp 11:55 Hartman basically insinuates that Oaxis will lower suicide rates by affecting the mountain of arts and entertainment.

Hartman in general just repeatedly mentions the mountains and affecting them.

Time stamp 20:19 “…And we know that we’re not gonna limit God. We’re not limiting Him at all.”

Time stamp 23:24 “…We love Jesus and but we want to put Jesus in our shows. I believe that you can reflect Jesus in your content without saying the word ‘Jesus.’”

Okay now Hartman’s just flat out admitting that he believes that his scam of a “network” will affect suicide statistics… “Then I believe that those suicide rates might go down…” at Time stamp 27:04

Time stamp 31:05 From his wife Julieann, “Could you imagine living with that? Of knowing that maybe someone killed themselves because they watched your show?”

Ohhhhhhhh, oh honey. Both of y’all just gonna ignore what happened last year now aren’t you?

Moving on...

Time stamp 34:40 “When I did shows at Nickelodeon, I did all my cartoons. And I couldn’t say the word ‘Jesus’ in them. I couldn’t say any of that because the network wouldn’t put it on. But I could put Jesus’ principles in there…”

Listen... people have already scraped the bottom of the barrel in regards to this for jokes but, you greenlit fairy m-preg. You, yourself helped to write said fairy m-preg. Never forget the fairy m-preg Butch. Because we sure as hell won’t let you.

Also nice to see that his wife shares his flip-flopping views on things At 36:40 when asked by one of the hosts who’s fielding a similar question from two different people about how different is Oaxis from other services such as “Pureflix” and “Faith and Family,” she answered, “Well number one we are not a Christian network. So it’s not going to be faith-based programming.”

She also goes on to say that they’re going to be challenging the writers to create something that’s just as compelling, but just without all the bad stuff. In other news, local woman does not know understand the reason why narrative conflict, along with the tragedy and drama genres have to exist when we can just be happy all day, everyday. More at 11.

Hartman and his wife also talk about how they learned that from Andrew Wommack and how Hartman and him met primarily through his (Hartman’s) wife. Which brings me to how exactly Julieann and Wommack exactly got connected. In the first minute or so Wommack talks about how Julieann, a woman who became a born-again Christian at age 27, was actually one of their “healing journeys” and she once dealt with fibromyalgia and “…many other things…” but through the power of “faith healing” she “successfully” overcame all of her problems after spending over thousands of dollars on different doctors and treatments.

“And Jesus just healed you” Andrew Wommack said to Julieann who immediately confirmed his statement.

Now what the other issues that she was dealing with that aren’t mentioned in this video are various mental issues primarily being anxiety.

“Julieann suffered with the mental anxieties she had always battled, but this time she had physical symptoms as well. Every day she struggled with chronic flulike symptoms, body aches and pains, random numbness and twitching. The Hartmans spent tens of thousands of dollars on medical and alternative treatments trying to help Julieann. Her life became consumed with visiting specialists and worse—diagnosing herself via the Internet.” from “Julieann Hartman: A Fearless Woman of Faith” Andrew Wommack Ministries Blog

Also I just love this quote from her about how she was before she got introduced to Wommack…

"The funny part of this was that even if a doctor would give me medication, I wouldn’t take it because I felt that I was not being in faith. It was crazy!”

…There…is a lot to unpack there, so I think I’ll leave it at that…moving on…

“During a trip to Texas to celebrate Thanksgiving in 2009, Julieann stumbled across Andrew's Gospel Truth program on TV. Within seconds she dismissed Andrew wondering aloud, ‘Who could listen to him? I would fall asleep.’ Six months later however, she came across Andrew again. This time, she heard Andrew say something that grabbed her attention and went straight to her heart. Andrew was sharing things Julieann had never heard before and she was captivated.

Julieann went to Andrew's website and began downloading his teachings and ordering materials. ‘I took two weeks, cleared my schedule, and I didn’t leave my house. I listened to Andrew, I watched Andrew, I prayed, I read and I spoke to my body! I was filled with so much peace and joy! I also enrolled in the Online Charis Bible College. I immersed myself in the Word! The Word came alive in me and my symptoms started to change,’ said Julieann.”

So yeah, there’s that. Also keep the Charis Bible College in the back of your mind…we’re gonna get to that soon because Hartman’s wife ain’t the only one involved with that.

“‘I don’t know what the teaching was, but it was him saying that there was a man who had Parkinson’s. And so Andrew says, ‘So, I say to him, ‘Just tell your hand to stop shaking’. . . . So [the man] said, ‘Hand, stop shaking.’ And it did!’ Julieann continues, ‘So, I’m watching this going . . . what? But there was something about it that . . . just caught me.’”

So basically from there she went on a Wommack bender and absorbed everything that he’s ever said and done, and the rest is history. She and her whole family became obsessed with him and his “teachings.” Even talking about how they watch his videos all the time. Also about how much she wanted her two daughters to go to Charis Bible College, and they later did.

“From that revelation, Julieann started claiming the healing that already belonged to her. ‘I walked through my hallways going, ‘In the name of Jesus, stop being numb. Numbness, you are dead. You get out of my body now in the name of Jesus! Get out of my body! Pain, back pain, get out of my body! I don’t care what’s been spoken over me or whatever anybody told me or said I have. In the name of Jesus, I rebuke all of that and, body, you come back to life now!’’

Although Julieann said all the right things, her healing did not come all at once. Undeterred, she continued to press into God’s Word until, little by little, all her symptoms melted away. ‘It was a progressive healing, but the only reason it was progressive is because I made it progressive.’ Julieann continues, ‘It wasn’t just the healing on the outside. It was teaching me about who I was in Christ, and that was the missing link.’”

There is still a lot of things to unpack here…

Time stamp 46:29. Wommack also talks about how both of Hartman’s daughters went to Charis Bible College.

[Instagram Post from Hartman’s youngest daughter’s (Sophia Hartman) graduation this past May. Pictured here: Julieann Hartman, Butch Hartman, Andrew Wommack, Jamie Wommack (his wife), Sophia Hartman, and Carly Hartman]

Hell, in the infamous “Wealthbuilders” video that brought him public outrage, Hartman also admitted that both of his daughters (at the time in February at Time stamp 1:29) were students there. Now what exactly is Charis Bible College? CBC, or Colorado Bible School as it was originally known as, is a 2-3 year “school” which is,

“Focused on educating the body of Christ about who God is and who He is in His saints. Charis Bible College is equipping the saints for the work of the ministry, training disciples to go out and share the Gospel with the rest of the world in the way God has uniquely called each individual to do it.”

It has over 16 locations in both the US and across the world, with the main campus being in Woodland Park, Colorado.

It’s also unaccredited.

Oh and their application fee is $100 (which of course is non-refundable and Jesus fuck is 2x more than I had to pay for my own application fee to apply to fucking graduate school) and the cost of an individual’s tuition paid in advance is at least $4,500, which for an uncredited, basically useless degree is still $4,500 too much.

But hey, “mountain of education."

Also going back to Hartman’s wife. In the video of her “healing journey” she states something rather interesting at times stamp 9:34...

“So we started the NOOG Network; it’s N-O-O-G Network and we call it a safe place for kids. What we wanna do is, the money that comes from the network is gong right into the dorms…” And she basically talks about whatever else too. “I am so on board with his vision.”

So...I don’t know exactly how to look up financials and donations for groups and such, and I’m surprised that the NOOG Network even fucking got off the ground, but the fucking implication...If any of y’all have downloaded the app... probably been forced to sit through ads which bring in revenue for the owner (aka Hartman)...and the app page says it has in-app purchases...I’m sorry you may have helped fund Charis Bible College dorms or whatever else Andrew Wommack desires, and as the Narrator of the video says at 10:00,

“The NOOG Network is just one of the many ways the Hartmans are advancing God’s Kingdom.”

If you don’t know, that video is actually from at least late 2015 since it was featured in a February 2016 speech given by Butch Hartman at CBC for its 3rd year “Media School.”

He says some more interesting things. Such at 34:24,

“If you have an iphone, the NOOG Network is a network on the iphone store and it’s absolutely free. It’s free so you have no excuse.” [The app store says that it currently costs 99 cents to download] “Um, I’d like you all to download this cause this is ‘God’s Network...’

At 34:58 “You know how you guys are invested in this ministry? This [the NOOG Network] is my ministry.”

I do also want to talk about one more thing. So on the original

Oaxis Kickstarter page’s “Community” tab

I noticed that the most backers in the US came from Colorado City, CO.

Suddenly I got a weird feeling and wondered if there was any correlation or strange connection...

Oh.

Well that explains a lot. It is rather interesting when you take into account that Andrew Wommack Ministries’ main US address is in Colorado Springs as well. Not to mention, his Charis Bible School. And even Wallnau’s “Wealthbuilders” conference took place at a Marriott in Lone Tree, CO. I guess all that promoting on his show and Daystar paid off after huh, Hartman?

Anyways I think that’s it for now. I kept finding more and more fucked up insidious stuff and I’m pretty sure there’s a lot more. I just wanted people to know about this because they should. It seems that Hartman actually doesn’t want to just indoctrinate kids into these awful values, but everyone else too. And honestly, in retrospect their tagline for their Oaxis network, “Oaxis: Because we’re family” sounds cult-ish as hell... At the end of the Hartmans’ interview on Wommack show, Wommack started talking about getting people [i.e. their supporters] ready to vote [as in vote for the Christian Conservative candidates] in the Mid-term elections, and sorry if I’m going a little off-topic here but here’s your friendly, little reminder:

VOTE.

Don’t let these fake as hell “Christians” win and ruin this country even more for their 7-step-take-over-the-world plan. Hartman is just one small part of this BS.

Like I’m sorry if I’m sounding like a conspiracy nut but this “Seven Mountains Mandate” is a real fucking belief system that needs to be talked about. And it’s fucking disgusting that Hartman and his family were going to even attempt to worm their way into the minds of children and their families, filling their heads up with their “values,” which from the company that they keep, correlates more with hate than the love and acceptance that one is supposed to have when they’re a Christian. I doubt that Oaxis will become as popular and successful as Hartman kept claiming to his buddies; especially with the whole public fallout considering what happened with the kickstarter. Also only God knows if they’re even still gonna try and go through with it after the mainstream reaction that they got, but again, it’s fucked up that they even tried it in the first place.

To quote GotQuestions on the mandate again,

“The church then needs to be dissected into ‘micro components’ and infiltrate the mountains. Since every Christian can’t position himself at the top of every mountain, each individual is to find his particular smaller peak and be a leader in that realm.”

So in conclusion: don’t give them an inch. Be wary of any conservative evangelical that talks about “mountains,” “spheres,” or “pillars.” Hold them accountable and don’t let these manipulators even get close to the base of a “mountain” let alone, what they consider to be their “peak.”

Some other “fun” links:

Lance Wallnau’s Right Wing Watch tag

Andrew Wommack’s Right Wing Watch tag

2010 Box Turtle Bulletin Article “Andrew Wommack and His Ministries Are Trying to Kill You” in regards to the (currently unpassed at the time) proposed Ugandan Anti-Homosexuality Bill

[kabane52]

The Liturgical Transmission of Tradition in the Church

[To let you know where this is going, the ultimate conclusion I draw is that during the forty days mentioned by Luke, Jesus gave to the apostles the essential structure of the church’s liturgical life. He told them how to celebrate the original Divine Liturgy and how to baptize. This corresponds typologically to the setting up of the tabernacle sanctuary in the wilderness. Israel comes out of Egypt and during the forty years receives the exact instructions for its cult, after which it goes into the land. Likewise, Jesus’ resurrection is the exodus, He spends forty days teaching about the kingdom, and then He ascends into heaven. Israel’s journey to the land from Egypt is always described as “going up.” Typologically, the periods match, as the Apostles received from Jesus Christ the instruction about the liturgy of the new covenant. In the process of writing this, it has become apparent to me that the New Testament holds a concept of tradition which is really quite specific and well-defined, if one knows how to appropriately relate its statements.]

Basil the Great (and, if I recall correctly, a number of other Fathers) mentions the existence of an unwritten tradition from the apostles in connection with the Church’s liturgical life. The Bible is the written Word of God, being the written incarnation (as Maximus refers to it) of the Hypostatic Logos of God, in which the whole counsel of God is set forth to His children. The sacred liturgy and the worshiping life of the Church is the concrete focal point of the Holy Spirit’s enduring presence with the Church. I mentioned the other day how the prophetic promises of the return of divine glory to Zion were fulfilled in Jesus’ ride into Jerusalem and institution of the Eucharist. It is the Holy Spirit, the Paraclete of Jesus, who is sent into the Church to make manifest the life of the incarnate Son who dwells in the Father. The Son is never made known except through the Spirit of God, and the Eucharist, together with the liturgical life contextualized by it, is the preeminent embodiment of that pneumatically constituted presence of the Son. As the Manna and the Scriptures together were stored in the ark of the covenant, so also the Gospel (symbolizing the entire Bible) and the Eucharist is set before the Lord in the altar of the new covenant.

Tradition has been described as the “life of the Holy Spirit in the Church.” While this is true, it is too abstract to function as a concise definition of the tradition. The word “tradition” in English comes from Latin “trado, tradere”, meaning “to hand on” or “to transmit.” The Greek word “paradosis” which the English New Testament translates as “tradition” has the same etymology as “handing on” and “transmitting.” Thinking of tradition as something which is “handed on” gives it a concreteness which is not captured by describing it as “the life of the Holy Spirit in the Church.” Calling it the life of the Holy Spirit in the Church is true, but it fails to ground the Spirit’s witness in the specific historical earthed-ness of the church through the ages. The Spirit does not merely witness to each Christian or each body of Christians independently, but carries out His witness through an historical process which one can point to and say “here it is.”

The preservation and handing on of the tradition is linked, of course, to the apostolic office of bishop, who has his priestly calling through a chain of transmission proceeding forth from the mouth of Jesus the Messiah on the Apostles. As I will explore more below, Jesus declares in John 10:36 that the Father “consecrated” and “sent” Him into the world. The language of “consecration” is unambiguous in its connection to the priesthood and is exactly harmonious with John’s intense focus on the christology of Jesus as High Priest. This language, moreover, is used to describe the apostolic calling in John 20: “As the Father sent me, so I send you”, Jesus says as He puts the Spirit on them. People have speculated about the relationship of this event to Pentecost, but to me the relationship is fairly clear. Apostle Paul calls Timothy in 2 Timothy 1:6 to “fan into flame the gift of God which is in you through the laying on of my hands.” This is almost certainly not the gift of the Spirit given to the whole church on Pentecost, but a specific calling to the priestly ministry. 

Additionally, the Pastoral Letters are written as instruction in exercising the ministry as leaders of the church, serving as a set of apostolic instructions in this matter before the apostolic age comes to its conclusion. I would argue that the tradition of Timothy and Titus serving as monarchical bishops (which I firmly hold is an apostolic institution- the arguments against it strike me as paper-thin, but this is not the place to argue the point) best explains the background and content of the Pastorals- Paul’s instruction to Timothy on how to select worth “overseers” presumes that Timothy has the authority to make those choices in his locale. While the word “overseer” will later become a technical term describing an office, that is not how it functions in the New Testament. Too often commentators assume that the terms “elder” and “overseer” are equivalent in the sense that they both were names the early church used to describe a particular office, and that they described the same office. This is not the case. “Elder” is used against the background of the Hebrew Bible where the word signifies those with the authority over Israel. When the covenant between God and Israel is sealed, it is sealed through seventy “elders” who represent Israel in a covenant meal with God on Sinai. It is closely associated with the priesthood. The word “overseer” should likewise be understood not as a title for an office, but according to its etymological meaning: “one who looks-over.” Here, the significance lies in Israel’s liturgical cult. The lampstand in the Holy Place of the Tabernacle and Temple is described as having cups like “almond” branches. These trees, literally, were called “watcher-trees.” [Might we connect this with the “Watchers” appearing in the heavenly council in the Book of Daniel and later Jewish tradition? More study is needed on that potential link.] The seven-branched Menorah with cups like “watchers” overlooked the Twelve Loaves of the Bread of the Presence, representing the Twelve Tribes of Israel.

The light signifies the light of divine presence watching over the people through Israel’s priesthood. We can see the association of the almond branch with the priesthood in Numbers 17, when those who contest the unique consecration of the Tribe of Levi as the priestly family are answered when the Rod of Aaron blossoms and “produced ripe almonds.” Thereafter, the Rod of Aaron dwells in the Holy of Holies together with the Manna and the Ten Commandments. In the Holy Place, the Bread of the Presence corresponds to the manna and the almond-branched menorah to the Rod of Aaron. The use of the word “overseer” to describe ministers in the church of the apostolic period is a literary allusion to the particular features of Israel’s sanctuary rather than being yet a technical term for a Christian office in its own right. The office in the church which it does signify, moreover, is associated with the priesthood. The actual word “priest” would naturally be avoided because the temple was still standing and a functioning priesthood was operating in Jerusalem.

In 2 Timothy 1:12-13, Paul refers to the deposit with which he was “entrusted” by Jesus as an apostle, then enjoins Timothy to follow his model, carefully guarding the deposit entrusted to him by Paul, and finally entrusting it to others in 2 Timothy 2:2. In 1:14, Paul draws the important theological connection which is essential for a balanced understanding of tradition, calling Timothy to “guard the good deposit entrusted to you” through the power of the “Holy Spirit who dwells within us.” Tradition is something which is very concrete in that it is an historically embodied reality handed down in an historical process through a chain of transmission. Tradition is also something which only exists through the work of the Spirit. Even with an unbroken chain of transmission, the tradition would inevitably decay or become corrupted through the ages without the vivifying work of the Spirit of God animating the historically earthed body of Christ. The content of that tradition is sustained in its relationship to the Bible, as Paul tells Timothy in 2 Timothy 3:14-17. In his description of the scriptures which Timothy has known since his childhood, he (in my strongly held view) does not simply refer to the Hebrew Bible. Timothy is a young man, and this is written in the early to mid-60s. Assume for the sake of argument that Timothy’s childhood refers to him as he was at ten years old. By the time Paul writes the Pastorals, Timothy would be in his early forties. Given my view (defended elsewhere) that Matthew was written by AD 33 and that the entire New Testament was written by AD 64, there is little reason to exclude the New Testament in principle from those texts which Timothy is called to interpret rightly. This is obvious from 1 Timothy 5:17-18, where the Gospel of Luke is quoted with the Torah as the word of God. Moreover, as the Apostolic Age nears its close, one sees that Peter as well warns about the necessity of interpreting the books of the New Testament in particular correctly (2 Peter 3:16). In his instruction to interpret the scriptures correctly, Paul declares that the comprehensive inspiration of scripture is ordered to the making competent of the “man of God.” This phrase is not merely a way of describing a person who wishes to obey God. Rather, in the Old Testament it almost always refers to a prophet or someone who was authoritative in one way or another. The first reference is to Moses, and many other references describe the prophets as “man of God.” To be a prophet is to be filled with the Spirit, so that Joel’s prophecy of the Spirit being poured out on “all flesh” makes allusion to Numbers 12 which contextually contains Moses’ prayer that “all the Lord’s people be prophets.” Insofar as every baptized Christian is indwelt by the Spirit, all the Lord’s people are prophets. We see in texts like this that consecration to the apostolic office through the special grace of the Spirit that the prophetic calling subsisted in a distinctive way through the church’s apostolically ordained episcopate who were the heads of the churches.

Understanding this dynamic sheds light in the Didache’s statement that a visiting prophet should be permitted to celebrate Eucharist as he pleases and also that the prophets are “your high priests.” The Gospel of John can be read fruitfully in light of the charges given to Timothy as successor to Paul in Ephesus. I will discuss the liturgical significance of these texts in more detail below. For now, simply take note of the fact that was noted above: when Jesus puts the Spirit on the Apostles in John 20, He uses language of them which He used of Himself specifically in relation to His consecration as High Priest. The Apostles are chief priests under that one High Priest. The gift of the Holy Spirit given here is that of exercising leadership of the Church. In the traditional sacramental language of the Church, this is where Jesus ordains the Apostles with the grace of the priesthood transmitted in apostolic succession.

How does this relate to the preservation of tradition as it is linked inseparably from the interpretation of Scripture? I have argued elsewhere that one of John’s thematic undercurrents is the completion of the biblical canon, which he intentionally organizes and hands to the church in a canonical edition. I will not repeat the argument for a canonical edition here, except to point to what I take to be one of John’s many uses of double or fuller meaning. When Jesus is with the Apostles at the Last Supper, He tells them “No longer do I call you slaves...but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you” (15:15). The Logos of God has revealed the entirety of His Father through the incarnation, and the reality of the incarnation is signified by the completion of the Book of God in its entirety, which textually makes manifest the whole counsel of God, thus John concludes Revelation with the famous warning to neither add nor subtract “from the words of the book of this prophecy.” This most directly references the Apocalypse itself, but contextual descriptions of the Lord as “God of the spirits of the prophets” and “your brothers the prophets” suggests a more expansive meaning for the “words of the book of this prophecy.”

Likewise, Revelation 19:10 declares that the “witness of Jesus is the Spirit of prophecy”, and John 14:26 describes the coming of the Holy Spirit to “bring to your [the Apostles collectively] remembrance all that I have said to you.” 15:26 describes the “Spirit of Truth” who comes upon the people of God as “bearing witness” of the Son. John ends by categorizing his Gospel as a textualized witness of Jesus as Messiah (21:24) and the reference to the Apostles as a whole receiving the “remembrance” of the teaching of Jesus through the witness-bearing Spirit links them with the “Spirit of prophecy” of Revelation 19:10, and thus the “words of the prophecy of this book” at the end of the entire Bible. The prophets and the apostles together bear witness with the one Spirit of prophecy of the crucified and resurrected Son, and their Spirit-breathed witness is textually embodied in the Holy Bible.

The Bible is the concrete sign that the Son has “made known” “all that I have heard from my Father.” The Spirit’s role is the attestation of the Son. The “Spirit of Truth” comes to “bear witness” of Jesus and to “bring to remembrance” His teaching. This work is fulfilled in the Spirit’s authorship of the apostolic witness called the New Testament, and also in the faithful teaching of scripture throughout the ages according to the church’s tradition. The Spirit who carries out these works is given to the Apostles in John 20 in their priestly consecration. This integrates thoroughly with what we read in 2 Timothy, where the Spirit fills Timothy in his consecration to the apostolic office of bishop as successor to the Apostle Paul. Timothy is called to receive the apostolic deposit from the Apostle Paul and then “guard” that deposit before ultimately entrusting it to others who will be expected to do the same. The preservation and transmission of the deposit occurs “by the Holy Spirit who dwells within us.” (1:14) Such a tradition is never separated from scripture but always exists in relation to it and as proceeding from it: Timothy’s gift from the Spirit is that by which he is called the “Man of God”, and it is that specific office through the Spirit that he is able to interpret scripture for the church. At once he is to “continue in what you have learned...knowing from whom you learned it” and continue his deep acquaintance with the “sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus.” Timothy is to remember “from whom” he learned the tradition because he learned it from an apostle of Jesus (2 Timothy 1:13).

Remember how we began, by discussing Basil’s reference to the “tradition” which the church has from the apostles as relating specifically to its liturgical life. Above, we’ve explored how the witness of the Son in Scripture is brought to memory by the Holy Spirit in the church’s historical development, within which the apostles entrust the tradition to the bishops whom they set over the churches, the bishops being expected to carry on this chain of transmission. In this context, Timothy is instructed to continue in the “public reading” (that is, liturgical reading) of Scripture as well as “teaching” and “exhortation”(1 Timothy 4:13). Timothy is called to remember those sacred writings which are able to make wise unto salvation in Jesus the Messiah and simultaneously to remember the tradition he was taught because of its apostolic source. 2 Timothy 4:13, which instructs Timothy to gather up and bring the collected “parchments” and “books” to Paul in his next visit suggests that the bishops of the churches were responsible for maintaining collections of the books of the New Testament, faciliating the identification of the canon. It was the bishop who was called to publicly read scripture and exposit it in accordance with the apostolic tradition, so that part of his role in “guarding” the tradition through the Spirit was the possession of a set of scriptures. Seizing the copies of New Testament books became a focal point for persecution of Christians because of the way in which it distinctively marked out the church’s identity and calling.

This all takes place in a liturgical setting. The books of the New Testament are read liturgically and are expounded according to the apostolic tradition in this same setting. The liturgical nature of the tradition at this early period is confirmed in an examination of 1 Corinthians, where Paul uses technical terminology known in the wider Jewish world for the transmission of a chain of teaching. Paul in 1 Corinthians 11 commends the church in Corinth for “maintaining the traditions even as I delivered them to you.” The language of “tradition” and the apostolic “delivery” of the tradition is technical, and is used in reference to the discussion of the oneness of the Eucharistic Cup which binds the Church together in the “communion of the blood of the Messiah” in 1 Corinthians 10:16.

Paul moves from this to a discussion of head-coverings for women in a liturgical setting, which he commends as the “practice” of the “churches of God.” [no debates whatsoever about this issue in the comments, please.] The language used for the Eucharist and the potential provocation of the Lord to jealousy draws on the inspection of jealousy in Numbers 5, where the bride suspected of adultery ritually drinks down water sanctified by the tabernacle and is either blessed or cursed according to her guilt or innocence. This ritual is never described as being enacted, but it is many times described as a symbol for God’s inspection of Israel for covenant fidelity. The bride, when approaching for the inspection, brings a “Tribute” of Bread to the Tabernacle, then consuming the sanctified water mixed with tabernacle dust because it has the trace of the Presence of God: the implications for the real presence of Christ in the Eucharist are obvious. This is the ultimate key for understanding the theological context of head coverings, because the woman who approaches the tabernacle to be inspected wears a head covering which she ritually unbinds as she swears her oath to God. The exact meaning of this relationship remains unclear to me, but that there is a relationship is clear. The Eucharist is a corporate inspection of jealousy, where the Church as Bride approaches the Lord Jesus as Bridegroom with a Tribute of Bread and Wine [the Eucharist is described in terms of the Tribute Offering which is an “Offering of Remembrance”, that is, to call God to remember the covenant, in Leviticus 2]. She drinks the presence of God in the elements and is inspected, either being blessed or cursed: “for this reason many are sick, and some have died.”

The language of transmission of tradition is again used in 1 Corinthians 11:23: “For I received from the Lord what I also delivered to you.” This concerns the instructions for the celebration of the Eucharist and clearly is related to what Basil describes as the church’s unwritten tradition. This is the church’s practice, had from the apostles, in carrying out its priestly, sacramental ministry. The apostles ultimately received it from Jesus the Messiah, who equipped them with the Spirit in their installation as rulers of the regathered people of God. The language of the Twelve Apostles sitting on the twelve thrones, as Michael Barber points out, is allusive of texts describing the role of the Levitical priesthood. The Apostles, so to speak, replace those halakhic authorities who “sit on Moses’ seat” and make rulings by the authority of Deuteronomy 17. The apostolic episcopate inherits this authority (which does not always entail that it is exercised wisely) which is collated in what we as Orthodox Christians call the “canonical tradition.”

1 Corinthians 15:3, finally, uses the language of the formal transmission of tradition: “for I delivered to you as of first importance what I also received.” What follows is a creed affirming the death of Jesus as Messiah in fulfillment of the Scriptures, His burial, His resurrection, and His appearances to the apostles and other witnesses. Given the prominence that professions of the death and resurrection of Jesus take in the creeds of the church even to its earliest days, I think we have some warrant in thinking this to be a liturgical creed. Why mention the appearances? My suggestion is that the appearances function to affirm what we affirm in describing “one, holy, catholic, and apostolic church.” We see the apostolic leaders of the church mentioned: Peter, the Twelve, James, and a group called “all the apostles.” The “five hundred” brothers could signify the entirety of the church, though this is highly speculative. What it more important is that this recitation of witnesses serves to authenticate the named individuals as specifically designated and authorized bearers of the authority of Jesus the Messiah.

1 Corinthians 8:6 may well have been part of the same creed, as the reference to “One God, the Father” and “One Lord, Jesus the Messiah” is ubiquitous in early and later Christian creeds. As is now well known, the text is an expansion of the Shema: Hear O Israel, the Lord is our God, the Lord is One. In Deuteronomy, a major theme is the development and maturation of Israel into unity. The exodus-generation symbolizes the protological, the conquering generation symbolizes the eschatological. There is One Lord, One People, and One Place where the whole people are gathered together. Deuteronomy 17 thus gives the provisions for the one throne as the lynchpin of the unity of the nation. The Creed is today recited as the Eucharist is blessed and presented before God as Bread and Wine, as the church’s gift of thanksgiving, before its becoming Body and Blood. The Creed joins the gathered people of God together in a single faith by which they identify with the baptism into which they were baptized, where the same creed was recited. “Calling on the Name of the Lord” is that which gives the family of many nations its internal unity- common fidelity to Jesus Christ. It would make sense for 1 Corinthians 8:6 to be recited as part of the same creed as 1 Corinthians 15:3-7. One God, One Lord, One People gathered around Jesus as Messiah under the authority of the Apostles and those authorized by them, since the Apostles had been given authority by Jesus directly.

Luke’s Prologue uses the language of a chain of transmission, describing his Gospel as the writing down of that which was faithfully transmitted by the “eyewitnesses and ministers of the word.” The “ministry of the word” is used in Acts 6:4 to describe the authority and function of the Twelve. Their self-description also echoes Acts 2:42, where the apostolic church devoted itself to the “apostles’ teaching, the communion, the breaking of the bread, and the prayers.” The reference to “breaking of the bread” is a reference to the celebration of the Eucharist, and “the prayers” suggests an organized liturgy. But where did this come from? We’ve seen how Basil refers to the “unwritten tradition” in relation to its liturgical life, and how the concept of the apostle “receiving” something from Jesus which they then “hand down” is concentrated in New Testament references to liturgical worship.

We’re told in Acts that during the forty days between the resurrection and ascension, Jesus was teaching the apostles about the kingdom of God. What was contained in this teaching? Some clues:

1. This is when the apostles are baptized. Jesus instructs the apostles to baptize the nations in Matthew 28 and Mark 16 after His resurrection, and it makes perfect sense, then, for the apostles to be baptized during this period. There is a tradition that the Lord Jesus baptized Peter personally, who baptized the Twelve, who then baptized their close associates. So the practice of baptism and its particular form must have been laid out then.

2. In John 20, Jesus breathes on the Apostles (except Thomas, who undoubtedly received the same gift when he met the risen Jesus) and gives them authority to remit and retain sins. Throughout the Gospel of John and the Apocalypse, one of the major themes is the gathering together of the people of God in the body of the Messiah which is the dwelling of God in the Spirit. In other words, the new temple. In connection to this, the Gospel of John lays a major emphasis on Baptism and the Eucharist.

In keeping with the sets of seven throughout both John and Revelation, there are seven specific images of the Eucharist and seven specific images of Baptism. The first “I am the...” statement is “I am the Bread of Life” and the last is “I am the true Vine.” Bread and Wine. The Spirit is the one who gathers together the children of God into one house for God’s dwelling, and the Apostles are given the grace of the priesthood.

This, I think, is the right way to read the relationship of John 20 and Pentecost. John 20 gives the Spirit to the Apostles for their consecration to the ministerial priesthood, while Pentecost is the Spirit for the whole church: all the baptized are priests of creation and, in terms of their access to the presence of God, are higher than the High Priest of Israel under the old covenant.

Jesus says to them “As the Father sent me, so I send you.” In John 10:36, Jesus, in the context of His self-identification as the Shepherd of Israel, says that the Father “consecrated and sent” Him into the world. This is the language of Jesus as the High Priest. If the Apostles are sent as the Father sent Jesus, the Apostles are the chief priests under Jesus the Messiah as the one High Priest. There’s more- in John 21, Jesus places Peter as the head of the Apostles (something clearly taught in our liturgics and patristic tradition, before and after the schisms- the specific relation of this to the papacy is beyond the scope of this comment) and instructs him to “feed my sheep.” Jesus as High Priest is the Shepherd of Israel, Peter is also called a shepherd. “Feed my sheep”, Jesus says. This is strongly eucharistic. This is stated in the context of Jesus serving the Apostles a meal of bread and fish where the Lord tells them to “take, and eat.” This is language used only of the Eucharist and quotes the Words of Institution. There is only one other place in the Gospel of John which speaks of “feeding” and “food”, and that is John 6, where Jesus is the “Bread of Life” who “feeds” God’s children with His “flesh and blood.” Rolling this all together, Peter is identified as the chief of Jesus’ priestly under-shepherds who is responsible for feeding God’s children with the Eucharist, the flesh and blood of Christ.

One more point on the apostolic priesthood and Peter. In John 20, the Tomb is described as the Holy of Holies. Jesus, the incarnate Lord, had dwelt there, and there were two angels inside, “one at the head, and one at the foot” of where Jesus had lain. This is a clear reference to the Holy of Holies where the seat of Yahweh had two cherubim on either side. This fulfills the Prologue of John: “The Word became flesh and tabernacled among us.” We read about this Tomb that Peter and the Beloved Disciple ran to the tomb together, but the Beloved Disciple waited outside until Peter entered, and then he went. In John, the Beloved Disciple symbolizes the whole people of God whom Jesus “loved to the end.” This is why “Behold your Mother” is commanded to all of us of the Virgin, not just John as an individual. That’s why when we hear of the Beloved Disciple “at the breast” of Jesus as the Son was “at the breast” of the Father in John 1:18 (the only two times the word is used in John), we are to read this as a statement about the whole church which dwells in the Son who dwells in the Father. If the Beloved Disciple symbolizes the people of God, Peter symbolizes the Bishop who celebrates the Liturgy and gathers the church into the Inner Sanctuary around him. And indeed, there is a consistent tradition linking the keys of Peter to the person of the Bishop who holds presidency over the Eucharist.

3. The period of forty days between the resurrection and ascension is a typological fulfillment of the story of the exodus. Israel is baptized in the Red Sea, dwells in the wilderness for forty years, and then ascends into the land (the land is always described as “up” in relation to Egypt and is a symbolic ascent) in fulfillment of the promise. What happens during those forty years? It is during this period of Israel’s history that the whole system of tabernacle worship is laid out in the Torah. The order of sacrifices, the rules for the dwelling of the divine presence, all of this occurs in those forty years. Paul in Romans 5 makes the period from the fall of “Adam to Moses” a particular epoch. I think we can see what happens at Sinai as essentially the restarting of what Adam was supposed to start doing on the morning he fell.

The garden of Eden surrounded the presence of God which dwelt on the holy mountain and came in glory to meet Adam on that Sabbath- there is a strong case that Adam fell on Sabbath evening, tried to cover it up by spending the night making fig leaves, and was found by God that morning, when He came in glory, with the original intent of providing Adam with the formal instructions for his task in developing the creation. Exodus 3 does not tell Moses to demand that Israel permanently leave Egypt. Rather, Moses is to ask for a three day period where they can go to the holy mountain to worship with “peace offerings” the only sacrificial offering partially consumed by God and partially by Israel. That is fulfilled in Exodus 24 with the meal of the Seventy Elders of Israel where Moses sprinkles the blood on Israel and says: “This is the blood of the covenant.” That is quoted by Jesus in the Words of Institution.

With Adam’s exile from Eden, the access of man to the presence of God was cut off and sealed up. At Sinai, the ladder from heaven begins to operate again, though in a form that made provisions for the deep sinfulness of the children of Adam. That is the covenantal significance of Sinai for the whole world and the whole history of redemption. The forty years was a period where the exact order of Israel’s worship at this sanctuary was set up. This is the liturgy by which Israel related to God through the Temple until the coming of the Messiah to tear the veil and open the presence to man for the first time since Adam.

That forty day period is the typological fulfillment. Between resurrection and ascent there is a miniaturized wilderness where the order of liturgy under the new covenant and the way of accessing God’s presence through the Eucharist was taught directly by the Resurrected Lord to the Apostles. Hence, when we find the Apostolic Church of Acts, from the very beginning they know how to baptize, how to seal that baptism with the Holy Spirit, and how to celebrate Eucharist liturgically: “the apostles teaching and the communion [koinonia, the word used by Apostle Paul for the Eucharist as the “communion of the blood of Christ in 1 Corinthains 15] and the breaking of bread and THE prayers.”

The “apostles teaching” is likely the liturgical reading of the Torah and Prophets followed by the apostolic interpretation of the Scriptures, what we call the homily. As the books of the New Testament were written, they were added to the liturgical readings. We know directly that Apostle Paul commanded his letters to be read liturgically (a place reserved in Judaism to Scripture) and in 1 Corinthians declared that a person who does not regard his epistles as the “command of God” is to be excommunicated. I think this may well be the impetus for writing the Gospel of Matthew in Hebrew in AD 30. It was written in Hebrew since it was meant to be used liturgically and that was the liturgical language they knew, written in AD 30 to provide the Messiah’s teaching (since Matthew is arranged as a teaching gospel, organized into five blocks of messianic teaching after the pattern of the five-book Torah) in a liturgical setting.

Okay, so there we go. This actually explains more data than I thought it did when I began writing this. It explains the particular liturgical nature of the “unwritten tradition” identified by the Fathers, explains the necessary background for what we know of the Apostolic Church of Acts, and it fits like a glove what we see Jesus actually doing after His resurrection, in the Gospel of John especially. These things were not written down explicitly in the gospels because the gospels were meant for public proclamation, while the liturgy of the faithful was that which manifested the “Kingdom of God” and was accessible only to the baptized.

[lalainajanes]

96 & 81. I’m a new fan of your writing! Ugh I love klaroline so much

96 Scars + 81 The Missus and The Ex

She’s known Klaus forabout a year, has recently been out on three excellent dates with him, when shefinds out his deep dark secret.

She'd have beenpissed it but it’s too freaking hilarious for her to work up any righteousindignation.

One quick Google andCaroline gets why he’d kept his mouth shut. She’d made some questionablechoices at nineteen, ones she’s really glad aren’t immortalized on the internetforever.

Klaus Mikaelson, ubersnob about popular culture, prickly unless sufficiently motivated, and scornfulof vast swathes of humanity, had once starred on a reality TV show.

And not just anyreality TV show. He’d been on what had essentially been a Jersey Shore rip-off.Just set in a swanky London apartment and with fancy accents. It had onlylasted one season.

The partying anddrunken fights and hookups appear to be pretty much the same.

Klaus had sportedhighlights and worn baggy t-shirts and baseball caps and belted his pants toshow off his boxers. Teen!Caroline probably would have thought he was hot butpresent day Caroline has a plan to slip some cheap ribbed tanks and self-tannerinto Klaus’ birthday gifts.

His exasperated faceis super cute.

She’d taken thebombshell pretty well and Klaus had endured her giggling over old pictures (toa point but Caroline wasn’t going to complain about him kissing her as adistraction).

When she’d gottenhome it had been impossible to resist pulling out her laptop and looking forclips.

And when it turnedout the series was all online? Well, she’d ordered takeout and settled in for amarathon.

Six episodes in andshe’s kind of obsessed. The version of Klaus on her screen is fascinating. Shesees tiny glimmers of the man she knows but he also seems to be a bit of ajerk. He sneakily leaves little sketches of his roommates on their beds. Thenot so flattering ones cause some drama and the good ones end up pinned in thecommunal kitchen. He oozes cockiness and has a tendency to flex when he’sshirtless, sometimes walks in a way that could only be called a swagger.

He flirts shamelesslybut his interest in one of his housemates seems genuine. Unfortunately, she’salready in a relationship.

Caroline has amillion questions, starting with why in the world had he ever even auditioned,and she’s considering making a list.

Caroline (9:14 PM): I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you were involved in AN ACTUAL LOVETRIANGLE!

Caroline (9:14 PM): I’m kinda jealous.

Caroline (9:15 PM): I’m think I’m rooting for Lucien though. Sorry. He’s just so freakinginto her.

Caroline (9:15 PM): Making out with Aurora’s visiting BFF was a dick move, btw.

Klaus (9:17 PM): Sadly, that was far from the worst of my poor decisions.

Caroline (9:18 PM): Oooh, ominous.

Caroline (9:18 PM): I’m excited.

Klaus (9:19 PM): I don’t suppose I could convince you to stop watching?

Caroline (9:20 PM): Are offering me sexual favours? ;)

Klaus (9:20 PM): Obviously.

Caroline (9:21 PM): Sorry, I’ve gotta pass. Something tells me you’re going to be pretty easy.

Caroline (9:22 PM): But don’t worry. I promise not to hold anything you did 9 years agoagainst you.

Klaus (9:23 PM): I appreciate that.

She starts up episodeseven. It opens the morning after Klaus’ attempt to make Aurora jealous, thecamera lingering on him in bed, very naked under a single crumpledsheet.

Is it pervy thatshe’s ogling him? Probably, since he’d been practically a baby.

Klaus is awakenedrudely by Aurora upending a large-ish bucket of water on him, he leaps from thebed, shouting slurred profanities.

Screw it, Carolinethinks, as she turns up the brightness on her screen and leans in, eyeing theareas where the wet sheet now clings. No one has to know about the ogling.

Aurora and BabyKlausengage in a fight that is loud and rambling and Caroline thanks whateverproduction grunt had been tasked with painstakingly subtitling it. Aurora triesto cite friend code, Klaus counters that she has a boyfriend so it really isn’ther business what (or whom) he does. He scoffs at her assertion that he’d beentrying to hurt her, smiling cruelly and informing Aurora that she’s just notthat important.

Caroline winces whenAurora bursts into tears. Klaus’ regret is plain but he storms away withoutapologizing.

She fast forwardsthrough some plot involving other housemates, pauses when she sees Klaus again.He’s at the club they seem to hang out at most, the kind with pumping music andflashing lights. Caroline assumes the venue had some kind of deal with theproducers. He’s slamming back shots, his mood less than festive, and Carolineassumes he’s about to do something dumb.

Approximately thirtyseconds later the camera captures him punching Lucien.

Angry drunk boys, sopredictable.

It’s chaos on herscreen, other people seem to pile on and the cameras are constantly jostled.Caroline can barely make out who is who. Aurora’s red hair is distinct, andshe’s in the corner of the frame, yelling, having climbed on the bar.

When things calm downKlaus is bleeding. His hand clutches his opposite arm and the sleeve of hisshirt saturated and dark red.

Caroline (9:45 PM): No fair. You totally have a way cooler how I got this scar story thanme.

Klaus (9:46 PM): So you’ve never needed a dozen stitches after a bar fight?

Caroline (9:47 PM): Nope. But I guess I’ve still got time.

Klaus (9:48 PM): It’s good to have goals.

She feels a littleanxious watching Klaus get loaded into an ambulance, seeing him in pain andstruggling to answer the EMTs questions. Silly, since he’s perfectly fine andjoking with her via text, only a few blocks away.

The episode ends withthe ambulance door closing, his roommates huddled together for warmth on thesidewalk watching it drive away.

Caroline checks thetime, debates moving on to another episode. She doesn’t actually have to go tobed for another hour so she could watch some more. She knows Klaus andAurora must hook up at some point - Caroline’s watched plenty of reality TV andKlaus’ show was less subtle than most.

She hasn’t feltjealous yet, doubts she will. She’d lose her shit if Klaus were to up and getweird about her high school boyfriends. They weren’t any of his business andCaroline’s not going to make a fuss just because she can see one of Klaus’ pastrelationships with her own two eyes thanks to the magic of technology.

Veering in a more romanticdirection with Klaus has been really good, and he’d made it clear it wassomething he’d wanted for a while. His past has no bearing on their present.

Besides, Carolinekind of likes Aurora, or at least the version the cameras capture. She’s a littledramatic, sucks at any and all forms of housework, but is at least willing tolaugh at herself. Plus, the poor girl’s family seems nuts - a phoneconversation with her parents had been icy and her brother had appearedonscreen only to lecture her about how unbecoming it was to associate withpeople beneath her and how Aurora was shaming the family.

Caroline doesn’t havesiblings but her knee jerk reaction had been a big fat yikes.

Plus, it’s not hardto see the behind the scenes manipulations. Aurora’s confessionals often havingher comparing and contrasting Klaus and Lucien, waffling about her feelings,and Caroline can easily envision the leading questions that she’d had to dealwith.

The results ofshoving young, attractive people together, forcing them to interact, andsupplying copious amounts of booze, are pretty predictable.

See: the bajillionvarieties of Real Housewives.

There’s no wayCaroline’s curiosity will survive not knowing how things end but she can wait abit. She shuts her laptop and stretches out the kinks in her back, grabbing herphone once more.

Caroline (9:56 PM): Do you want to get lunch tomorrow?

Klaus (9:57 PM): So you can interrogate me, I presume?

Caroline (9:58 PM): Yep. You don’t have to answer anything if you don’t want to though. I’mjust super fascinated by how that guy became, well, you.

Klaus (9:59 PM): Not sure how to take that, love.

Caroline (9:59 PM): I meant it in a good way. I like you. The you I know.

Caroline (10:00 PM): Past you seems kind of exhausting and I want to reach into my laptopand shake him sometimes.

Caroline (10:01 PM): Mostly because his commitment to hats is out of control.

Caroline (10:01 PM): Please tell me you got rid of those.

“Oh my god, I need tostop,” Caroline mutters. She closes her eyes, huffs out a laugh. Maybe sheshould have just gone to bed. She resists the urge to apologize for rambling.No need to call attention to it.

Klaus (10:02 PM): The only hats I own are functional, designed for warmth

Klaus (10:02 PM): I like the you that you are now too.

Klaus (10:03 PM): I can meet you at 1. Does that work for you?

She smiles down ather phone, taps out a quick affirmative. Retro trashy reality TV can wait,she’s got a fourth date outfit to put together.

[dailyaudiobible]

07/16/2018 DAB Transcript

1 Chronicles 22:1-23:32, Romans 3:9-31 , Psalms 12:1-8, Proverbs 19:13-14

Today is the 16th day of July. Welcome to the Daily Audio Bible. I'm Brian. It's great to be here with you today. And I know I say that most every day, but we all need somebody who thinks it's great to see us, right? And it's great to see you. It's good to be together around the global campfire as we take the next step forward, which will take us back into the book of 1 Chronicles and back into the life of King David. We're reading from the Christian Standard Bible this week. 1 Chronicles 22 and 23.

Commentary:

Okay. So now that we are in Paul's letters, and as I've said, we'll kind of be camping out in Paul's letters for a little while. And in spending time in those letters, we'll understand exactly what it was that Paul was teaching. And what we'll find is that it is the core of the Christian faith. So for example, in our reading from today, Paul took us right to the bedrock of the faith that in the essence of it all. And that was simply this - no one is perfect. And we all know that. But then the problem comes in that we are trying to be in a relationship with a perfect, righteous, holy God. So how do we get beyond our inability to become perfect as we pursue this relationship with perfection? So as we've been working our way through the Old Testament, we see that the law of Moses was given and the Hebrew people believed that if they could obey the law fully, that if they could do it with all of their heart, wholly and unimpeded, then they could become righteous before God. The problem was that no one could do it. So Paul's point that he was making was that the law was to reveal sin and to reveal that no one could become perfect and righteous on their own. So in Paul's own words from our reading today, "Now we know that whatever the law says, it speaks to those who are subject to the law so that every mouth may be shut and the whole world may become subject to God's judgement. For no one will be justified in his sight by the works of the law because the knowledge of sin comes through the law." So for Paul as a religious Jew who was a Pharisee, devoutly trying to obey to the letter of the law everything in the law as best as he could, he realized even when you apply yourself completely, you're still gonna fail. So on the one hand, that's kind of a hopeless situation. Everything you are trying to apply yourself to do to become righteous before God is, in the end, not going to succeed. So what can a person do? How is the unachievable achieved? As Paul began to look at Jesus, he began to see how this could work. And I'm quoting him from our reading. "But now apart from the law, the righteousness of God has been revealed, attested by the law and the prophets. The righteousness of God is through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe, since there is no distinction. For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. They are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus." That is an essential bedrock core truth of the Christian faith. And thank goodness. Because we're not in a hopeless situation. We can never make ourselves righteous before God. It was a hopeless situation. We would never be able to get there, would never be able to come into God's presence and say, I deserve to be in your presence because I have made myself righteous like you are, right? That's not going to happen. So hopeless situation. But as we look at what Paul is saying hope comes springing forth. Yes, all have sinned. All have fallen short of the glory of God. But God, in his grace, freely makes us right in his sight and he did this through Jesus when he freed us from the penalty of our sins. Which means that we are made righteous, that we are perfected before God because of his grace. So we can't go into God's presence and say, I deserve to be here because I am righteous and I have made myself righteous, but we can go into God's presence boldly as our Father and say, I deserve to be here because you've accepted me through Jesus. I haven't earned this. I in myself don't deserve this. But you came for me. This is the good news of the gospel. And may we rejoice in it today.

Prayer:

Father, we do. We certainly do today and every day. Because there will never be a day that we have achieved righteousness on our own and deserve to be in Your presence. And yet You welcome us into Your presence every day because of Jesus. And so we're thankful. Jesus, we thank You. We were hopelessly lost and You rescued us and we didn't deserve it. And we still fall short and You still are merciful. So we are grateful today. We invite Your Holy Spirit to lead us to be grateful and to concentrate and contemplate and meditate upon the grand good news that You have offered to the world. We ask, Father, that You would help us share the good news. All are welcome. Come Holy Spirit we pray. In Jesus name. Amen.

Announcements:

dailyaudiobible.com is the website, its home base, it's where you find out what’s going on around here.

So, be sure to check it out.

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If you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible, you can do that at dailyaudiobible.com. There is a link. It lives on the homepage. Thank you profoundly for those of you who have clicked that link over the years. Thank you for your partnership as we move through the summertime. If you're using the Daily Audio Bible app, you can press the Give button in the upper right-hand corner or, if you prefer, the mailing address is P.O. Box 1996, Spring Hll, Tennessee, 37174.

And as always, if you have a prayer request or comment, 877-942-4253 is the number to dial.

And that's it for today. I'm Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for here tomorrow.

Community Prayer and Praise:

Hello my beautiful DAB family. This is Tulu calling from Canada. I haven’t called since 2014. So, this is a big step for me. I’ve been a listener since 2007. Just want to thank you all. I love you guys so much. I listen to your calls and all your prayers, prayer requests, praise re-ports, and advice - really bless me. I just had to call today when I heard Jeff from Syracuse call. I’m so sorry about your loss Jeff. This is why we are here and I just pray that the Lord will hold you that this time and comfort you. And for everyone else who’s mourning a loss at this time, I pray the same prayer for you, that that hole, that void that has been left by your loved one, the Lord is the only one who can fill it and I pray that you just feel His comfort and His love and feel His warm embrace and hear him speak His words of comfort, His words that are the word for this season of your life. And I pray that you would just know His comfort and blessing. Family, I know that these are perilous times and this DAB community isn’t a coincidence and it’s not a mistake. And God has brought us all together for such a time as this we are so much is happening in the world and sometimes it’s like some things are being called home. And those of us who are here have a mission to carry the name of Jesus and to be His hands and feet and spread His love. And I pray that the Lord will just give us the grace and the courage and the strength to do that. I love you guys. I will call another day. I hope, soon. Giving you big hugs and kisses. Love to everyone. Thanks Brian, Jill, thanks Sarah Jane. Thanks all the team. Love you all. God bless

Hi family this is Kim from Eastern Kentucky and it’s Thursday, July 12th and I was just calling in because Standing Firm had called in and saying he hadn’t been standing firm. And a Scripture came to me when you started talking, and it’s Proverbs 24:16, for a righteous man falls seven times and rises again. And, the only way we stand firm is in the strength of our Savior. And James tells us that when we confess our sins, our faults, where we missed the mark, we confess them one to another and then the Lord hears our prayers and we get healed. And, so, Standing Firm, I appreciate you calling in and I know you’re still a righteous man and you are going to rise again, that’s what you’ve done. And you ask about people with depression and loneliness, praying for them. And my son is 20 years old and he struggles with that and his name is Josiah and I ask that you would remember him. And Jeff called in saying he had lost his wife, 55 years old. I’m 56, Jeff. I lost my husband 20 years ago to a brain tumor and it was rough in the beginning, very rough. But God is faithful and I know He will be faithful to you as well. So, prayers for everyone, I love you all, I love the podcast Brian and Jill. God bless you. Listening always. Bye.

Hi this is Victoria Soldier calling to pray for Stanley. He’s the young man from Greenville South Carolina. He was suffering depression and loneliness and I really want to pray for you because God loves you and He __. He doesn’t want you to be alone. And I just want to pray for you that whatever the challenges that God will provide. God is able to do exceedingly my brother. You continue to be strong in Him and let Him give you the joy of your heart in the name of Jesus. I want to also pray for the brother, he says that his brother’s wife is having some mental problems so they need to get the daughters. I want to pray for them. And I also want to pray for the baby who has water on the head. And I want to pray for him to live and not die. And I also want to pray for Jeff and that he said his wife died at 55. That’s a horrible thing and that you wanted to be with your wife. And God has an answer for you. We don’t know what it is. But we know that it’s always good. Lord, in the name of Jesus, You touch these people Lord. You know everything about them. You know the hairs on the head. Oh Lord You are a God that can do anything but fail. Lord You help them to understand. You bless them, fill eel that spot in their heart, in their mind, in their lives. You heal that body Lord. You heal that baby Lord. You direct Lord. You keep them Lord and You work there miracles Father in the name of Jesus. You Have Your Way, Lord. You are a present help in the time of trouble. You never leave them nor forsake them. Lord continue to bless, continue to bless Your people. They’re going through loneliness, their going through depression. Lord, bless them to find each other __that would love them, that they would love, that they can __...

Hi DAB family. This is nobody gets left behind in Colorado. I don’t call…I probably have only called maybe four times in the eight years that I’ve listened but I did want to make that a goal, something I start doing more and I just felt God pressing on my heart today to call in and just tell you all about a little story about something that happened yesterday. So, I have a brother Jeremy and he’s been in prison for 16 years. And he’s gotten more like a father to me and a brother and a best friend. And he’s just, these last, probably three years, he’s been getting stronger in his faith. And I love to just bounce Bible scriptures and we could talk for hours about the DAB and what we’re listening to and what God is doing in our lives and stuff like that. Anyway, I hadn’t heard from him in a couple weeks and I was really worried about him. The systems are down for the messaging in the prison that he is at and everything. So, I was really just praying every single day. I got a call from him yesterday. My brother had a breakthrough. My sister who has dropped contact with him for a long time, she sent him a quick little note and said I love you brother. And my brother, it just did something amazing to him. And he asked me to find this song and it’s called “your love defends me” __ . And, so, I played it on my husband’s phone so he could hear it on my phone and he let the song play through it I just had, I was just envisioning him on the other end crying and just worshiping God and if you knew my brother you would understand how powerful this is. He’s a shot caller, he’s a gangster like…

[libraryofmegharoni]

The Heart's Invisible Furies [John Boyne]

started: March 21, 2021 finished: March 24, 2021 rating: 5/5

review:

its now been 2 weeks since i finished The Heart's Invisible Furies and tbh i still dont have the words to describe it.

first of all i've apparently wanted to read this book for at least 3 years. after i got it i found it on a random list of books in my notes of books i wanted that i made couple years ago. i have absolutely no idea where i heard about it the first time. i actually dont remember where i heard of it or why i put it on my list a couple months ago but evidently i did.

this was one of the (many) books that i intentionally didn't read the synopsis of and didn't want to know anything about it before reading. i knew bits going into it. i had the general info that it was about a boy born in Ireland who was adopted, it's set during The Troubles, and its gay enough to have the 'LGBT' tag on goodreads.

after a day of reading it my only comment i wrote down was: i think i cried 6 times reading the first 100ish pages.

which honestly sums up my entire experience reading the entire book.

the novel is organized so that each section is every seven years. there's a total of 11 sections so it covers 77 years all about Cyril Avery's life. the first section is about his mother dealing with being an unwed 16 year old pregnant woman in mid-1940s Ireland. and let me say: the actions of most of the 'adults' are absolutely horrific. the first chapter is Cyril's mother, Catherine, being kicked out of her village at Sunday Mass. her entire family and the rest of the village are against her and back the priest who tells her she has like an hour to leave the village and never come back.

when she gets on a bus to Dublin, she meets Seán who is also escaping his village to Dublin. they arrive and are greeted by Seán's 'friend' Jack who reluctantly agrees to let Catherine stay with them until she can support herself. its pretty obvious that Seán and Jack are a little more than friends but Catherine doesnt think anything of it until the end of the section. before the end tho, we meet the only valid adult / person of a previous generation, Mrs. Hennessy. i absolutely loved that she makes an appearance the the following section and gets name dropped throughout the rest of the novel. this first section is where we learn her general backstory and god fucking damn it i was appalled. at this point its less than 50 pages into the book and i was nearly full on sobbing. and the tears dont let up from there either! right after finding out what Mrs. Hennessy has gone through, Catherine returns back to the apartment she shares with Seán and Jack and once again there's adult and parent who is absolutely horrendous. this is finally when Catherine learns that the two boys are actually in a relationship because, who we later learn is Seán's father, who Seán was escaping from when he left his village, forces himself into the apartment. within the next few minutes, there is a filicide , someone left on the brink of death, and a birth.

this is literally all 50 pages into a nearly 600 page book. it sets the tone for the rest of it and gives a solid understanding of the mindset of Ireland in this time.

7 years later, we finally meet Cyril as as not just the concept that is causing issues for Catherine. we're introduced to the couple that adopted Cyril, who are odd to say the least. they are the type of parents that didn't really want a child because they were ready but instead as a show piece. the Avery's also constantly remind Cyril (and others) that he is 'not a real Avery'. hmm i wonder if this will have an impact on Cyril's future relationships?????

his relationship with Julian Woodbead is one of the most important to Cyril's life. i think its talked about later in the novel how their friendship is built on a lie. from the start Cyril is obsessed with Julian and Julian doesnt acknowledge it really. the perception of their friendship is so biased since we are viewing the world from Cyril's point of view and how he is effected. because of this perceptive, its so hard to believe that Julian didn't know that Cyril was in love with him. but i think Julian was such a product of the environment his was raised in and living by the acceptable ideas of the time. from an early age one of his defining traits is essentially being a womanizer. its hard to tell how much of him is just for show and how different him, and Cyril, would be free of a society with such strict exceptions and definitions of right and wrong. was Julian truly completely straight? or was he lying to everyone and himself to fit in with society?

Cyril deals with his repression of being gay in such a detrimental way the entire time he lives in Ireland. he constantly lies to everyone in his life and forces himself to live a lie. his inability to confide in anyone leads him to getting engaged to, sleeping with, and ultimately marrying Julian's sister, Alice.

oh my god the lead up to the marriage ceremony and the events after hurt so many people and i didn't know who's side i was on for them. Cyril ends up in a relationship with Alice and somehow engaged to her. he almost breaks it off with her but every time he cant say the words. its heartbreaking thinking about Cyril was just so fearful to tell the truth to people who loved him.

its finally on the wedding day that Cyril confesses to Julian that he doesnt love Alice in any romantic way because he's gay and is actually in love with Julian. Cyril wants to Julian to allow him to not go forward with the marriage but with Alice's past (she had a previous fiance that left her at the alter) Julian tells Cyril that he's going to marry his sister and be a perfect husband to her.

Cyril does it. partially. he marries Alice then flees the entire country. coming from Cyril's point of view, i was relived that he was free from lying to everyone. but on the other side -- he just left everyone hurt and unhappy in the wake of his actions. its so easy to see how Cyril feels forced into his decisions but understanding how those decisions affect the people around him make it hard to support Cyril.

7 years later we meet the most important man in Cyril's life, Bastiaan. after leaving Ireland, Cyril ends up in Amsterdam, where it is so much more acceptable to be gay holy shit. he meets and starts dating Bastiaan there. Bastiaan helps Cyril unlearn a lot of what he was forced to live by and accept who he is as a person.

he also meets Jack who opened an Irish pub in Amsterdam with the name of Seán's last name. when i realized it was Jack from before and Jack named his pub after Seán made me weep like a fucking baby.

i could list all the times i started crying but i would end up crying all over again and have to add more to the list.

anyway in Amsterdam Cyril and Bastiaan acquire a foster son, Ignac, who just like everyone else in this novel, has a tragic past. after some events (another murder, this time the dick head is the one killed instead of the one doing the killing) and the three of them end up in New York.

they are in America during the beginning of the AIDS crisis and holy shit. yeah more balling. thats the main takeaway.

in New York, Cyril volunteers to talk to AIDS patients who are dying but have no family visiting them. one of the patients is Julian. once again i turn into a fucking baby. Julian reveals to Cyril that he has a son back in Ireland from the one time he slept with Alice. im gonna cry if i think about Julian and Cyril talking anymore i stg. but uhh Julian makes Cyril promise that he'd be the one to call Alice when he died and once Julian does pass, Cyril has every intention on doing just that. but before he can, him and Bastiaan are jumped by a group of thugs who end up seriously injuring Cyril and killing Bastiaan.

7 years later, Cyril is back in Ireland with Ignac. this time he is in Ireland as an openly gay man and is attempting to build a relationship with his son.

there's so much more that happens that i can't even convey. but holy fuck was it so god damn fucking good.

finally when Cyril is in his 60s he figures out that he is the son of Mrs. Goggins, who has never really left the story. Cyril and Julian run in to her when they are 14 in boarding school, Cyril runs into her multiple times when he works almost with her, the morning of his wedding at a cafe, and when he returns he works in the same building that she does. so throughout his life his birth mother was right there but neither of them knew it.

after 7 years, they go together back to the village that Catherine was born, raised, and kicked out of. its finally here where we learn the identity of Cyril's birth father (Catherine's aunt's husband).

bro i gotta be done now. like there's much more that i want to talk about regarding The Heart's Invisible Furies but i just cant think of them rn.

tl;dr - ballin like a baby the whole way through. also society sucks.pls read its worth it

[dcathwithoutglory-blog]

it’s jay. again. my browser just crashed. so i’m just gonna copy and paste my old intro. there’s no time to try and make it better. rip !

⌊ priyanka chopra, cis woman, antigone ⌉ ⏀ have you spoken to ALEXANDRA “ALEXA” MEHRA recently? the THIRTY-FOUR year old who’s been in seneca for SEVEN YEARS or so? either way, they always seem to remind me of FLOWERS PLACED ON A GRAVE, A RUSTY COMPASS, STORMS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT whenever i see them on main street. on a good day they’re pretty MORALISTIC, but they can also be RESISTANT. ⌊ jay, 19. est, she/her ⌉

the story of antigone that y’all probs already know but jic.

triggers: brief implication of incest but like wbk, brief mention of suicide, death, creon bein a bitch

brief overview of antigone (character + eponymous story):

antigone was born to oedipus and jocasta.

we all know what happened there. after that, oedipus was like “see no evil feel no evil” and jocasta yeet’d out of living.

her brothers went to war against each other. when creon ascended to the throne, he allowed burial for eteocles with honors, but was like “lmao if u bury polyneices i will kill u”

but antigone was like ‘lmao SURE JAN’ and tried to convince ismene, her sister, to help her bury polyneices. ismene was like ‘ok that’s a rly bad idea like good luck but count me out tbh.’

antigone is rly bad at digging graves tho so polyneices’s body was found and creon was like ‘oh my GOD’ and she’s like ‘fuck the government viva la morality!’

then creon was like ‘ok anyway rmr when i said u wld die if u buried polyneices so ig now u have to be buried alive in a tomb’ then antigone was like ‘actually i’ll be hanging myself before u can do fuck the government’

then he was like ‘at least u’ll be dead! oh wait -

Y’ALL GO SAVE EVERYONE’ but then it was too late

antigone and his son had both killed themselves and everyone, including himself, were just like

“get WREKT creon!!!!!”

alexa ( play despacito ).

triggers: suicide (x2), death (x3), mental illness implications, war, brief mentions of torture and murder

ok now onto alexandra ! so, like i did for valda, i looked up names that shared the same meaning as ‘antigone’ (which essentially means “against”) and one of the suggestions was alexa but i also wanted it to sound. super valiant. but at the same time. i wanted it to be something that could have a conversational nickname. so im already hc’ing that she has ‘despacito’ saved on her phone. also alexandra is my middle name so like?? stan list?? OK ANYWAY.

alright, so alexandra was born to a very upper-class family. her father was a politician and her mother was a successful lawyer. they provided well for the perfect nuclear family –– two sons, two daughters, a golden retriever, two cats in the yard life used to be so hard now everything is easy cause of-

like... her early life, say birth to age 14, was... nice. actually normal and nice. have i ever done that before? has my own edgelord ass ever done that before? i don’t think so.

which is why things obviously took a turn for the worse

but yeah. when she was 14, she was like “hey mom idk how to do pre-algebra” (a mood) but there was no response from her mom. so shrug city, you know? she just went to her older sister instead. but like... so much time passed.... and nothing....

finally, this nosy bitch decided to be like “ok i’m gonna go see what tf she’s doing” and that was just... a terrible idea. instead of finding her mom doing her nails or talking on the phone or any number of reasons she may not have come out yet, she found her mother hanging from the ceiling fan.

she tried to get her brothers’ and sister’s help, and they tried so desperately to help (you know, while also calling 911 and their father), but it was to absolutely no avail.

after this hella traumatizing experience, the children grew closer as the father grew farther.

he began getting lost in his own mind, sometimes accidentally mixing the past with the present, a la willy loman style. he would hold slight conversations with their ‘mother’ while at the table, then began holding them with various others from the past. it was pretty clear that his mind had just been looking for an excuse to snap, and the death of his wife had been the perfect scapegoat.

although it had originally just affected him in his home life, he began holding said conversations in the presence of people outside his family.

this is not good for a politician.

i mean it’s not good for anyone but...

his support immediately began dropping. his team gradually left him, finding there was no way he would ever be able to gain another victory if he kept on living in a limbo between the past and the present. given that he’d started ‘talking to his brother’ during one of his speeches... 

rest in peace to his career.

alexa (play despacito) was 18 at the time, her sister - 20, one of her brothers - 21, the other - 24.

they were all legal adults! some of them had even moved out! so their father figured his next move would not affect him in the way their mother’s death had!

so he shot himself.

the only people who showed up at his funeral were alexa and her sister. her eldest brother proclaimed that flying across the country would be too much of a hassle for that, and the other brother simply did not respond.

her eldest brother did, however, enlist in the army after setting legalities in place that would allow him to send money back to his siblings. he had joined simply because it was an easy opportunity (what with all of the propaganda), but his decision prompted the other brother to do the same –– this time because he was talented at ‘the art of fighting.’

and bc more money but like... get wrekt.

alexa’s sister dropped out of college to work a full-time job –– one that paid fairly handsomely. alexa took some odd jobs.

aka, everyone was trying to make money.

creon was right when he said “money! nothing worse”

so things kind of dipped when the eldest brother was killed. after an accusation that he’d become a traitor, their other brother had taken it upon himself to ‘anonymously’ torture and shoot him. but the other side did it!

which everyone knew was a lie.

because of the accusations, he was not only not allowed a military funeral, he was also not meant to be buried in any honorable fashion. instead, his body was returned to his hometown to be buried there following a quiet and uneventful funeral.

his grave was left unmarked.

nonetheless, the grave was visited every day, new flowers laid atop.

meanwhile, their other brother was considered a newfound military icon. he’d gotten rid of a ‘traitor’ (they continued to pretend it was someone from the other side, of course), he’d killed many an enemy, he’d done this and that and this and that and it all made him look so morally grey to alexa and her sister (who, granted, had yet to find out he’d killed their other brother), but like such a white knight to his fellow soldiers.

he truly rose in the ranks. it was what he was meant to do.

but the more he killed, the more he tortured, the lack of grief towards his brother’s death...

alexa’s sister wasn’t buying her hypothesis. it wasn’t necessarily because she saw their other brother was some pure being, but because she simply didn’t believe he was capable of that.

the next time alexa saw her brother, she got confirmation enough. what to do with the information, she wasn’t sure, but she knew she had to do something...

murder wasn’t the solution... she didn’t have any military connections that would allow for her to spout some lie about why he needed to be dishonorably discharged... but what he did couldn’t skate by...

to this day, she is still wondering what she can do to fuck him over. his success in the military keeps growing grander and grander, thus rendering any fake dishonorable discharge excuses completely moot. her sister still doesn’t believe that there really is a solution –– that, while it is greatly harmful, there’s absolutely nothing they can do and ruminating on it is worthless –– trying to find some quest to defeat their own brother is absurd.

although she has since moved to seneca, attracted to its small town appeal, she continues to visit her eldest brother’s grave every week –– it’s about a two hour drive, so it’s worth it.

she’s taken up work as a cemetery caretaker

because of COURSE she would.

and, although its pay is.... lousy, she’s been making due. for the tombstones no one visits any longer, first she’ll look them up to make sure they weren’t slave-owners or anything, she’ll bring them their own flowers. the dead deserve just as much respect as the living, hm?

personality.

i just realized i didn’t do this for valda (aka, i’m about to update her intro with it), but a total enneagram type 2.

too empathetic for her own good, too ‘this person whom i do not even know deserves flowers’ for her own good, too ‘i’ve got to protect _______ by doing _________’ for her own good

a capricorn

so driven by her own moral compass, she does not CARE about anything that says she has to go against it

her moral compass can be super faulty sometimes tho

pretty quick to make assumptions tbh, but has so far been right abt most of them.

so also driven by gut feelings ig

dramatic tbh. i mean she’s the adapted version of a character whose first lines contained “there's nothing, no pain—our lives are pain” SO.

also p independent (as in i said valda was independent), but her vendetta isn’t against men in general, rather just her brother who is still alive

so like,,, that said,,, holds grudges.

im bad at personality sections!! as has been stated before!! but i think the gist has been gotten across!!

wanted connections.

so rn i only have one specific one which is her sister and can be found on the wc page

will come up w/ unique ones later but until then open 2 hearing urs/brainstorming!

tl;dr.

(refer to triggers listed before the bullets.) a lot of death? like mom kills herself then dad turns into willy loman then dad kills himself. brothers both join the army. one brother kills the other brother for being accused of being a ‘traitor.’ said brother doesn’t get a proper funeral and his headstone is unmarked. the other brother rises in the rankings and alexa knows what happened. convinced her sister of it, but her sister is more logical and let her know that she was very angry too, but making her entire life about it would do nothing but endanger herself and others. moved to seneca because she liked the small town feel. still visits her eldest brother’s grave every week to leave flowers. works as a cemetery caretaker bc WHY NOT. brings flowers to graves that are either unmarked or no longer visited. i hope you read all of that and just thought ‘oh my god fckin EDGELORD’ because you’re right.

alright ! fin.

like this or hmu if you’d like to plot !

[sardonicnihilism]

A Biography of the Woman Who Never Was

Part 3 The Young Adult

Chapter 12

"Hey Shannon, it's Camille. What are you doing?"

"Uh, nothing really. Just hanging out at home. Why? What's going on?" Shannon couldn't help but feel a small flickering of excitement. A girl, who was attracted to other girls, had called her. Was she into her? Could this go somewhere? It was all to glorious to hope for.

"I'm at my friend's house and I thought you two might hit it off. You wanna come down?"

Shannon was confused a bit, even a little disheartened, but Camille knew she was gay, so maybe her friend was as well? It felt weird to be set up on a blind date by someone who was essentially a stranger, but nothing ventured, nothing gained.

"Sure. Where you at?"

*********************************************

The apartment building was like most here. A former single family home that had been purchased on the cheap by a local slum lord and broken up into smaller units and rented out to the poorest of the poor. They were all messy looking and in various states of disrepair. The worst looked to be on the verge of collapse. This one, while strewn with garbage, looked to be in fairly good shape structurally.

Shannon walked up the stairs with more than a little trepidation. The neighborhood was bad. The smell of trash was everywhere. If it wasn't for the fact that she lived in an only slightly nicer shit hole, she might have turned around right then.

The unit was on the top floor. The landing and door were obvious late additions, appearing slightly newer than the rest of the house. Shannon knocked on the door with just enough force to make a sound. She waited for about a minute and was getting ready to leave, when she heard the handle turn.

"Oh, hey, you made it," Camille said cheerfully. "Come in."

Shannon walked through the door and saw the house was about the same on the inside as it was the outside - dirty, unkempt, a bit smelly, but overall in decent shape. Besides Camille, there was a skinny man with thick glasses and shoulder length hair. He reminded her of a Muppet. Heather was there as well as another woman with curly blonde hair and no teeth. She reminded Shannon of a waitress from some down and out, greasy diner. God, she hoped that this wasn't who Camille had been talking about.

"Shannon, this is my husband Frank and our friend Beth. You already met Heather."

Shannon looked at Camille a bit confused. She had a husband? She never mentioned him last night. Was she cheating on him? Would she have to watch what she said? Camille saw Shannon's confusion and started to laugh.

From behind her, she heard Frank speak up in a voice that made her even more sure he was a Muppet. "It's ok. I know she goes to the bar. Camille and I have an open relationship. She fucks who she wants, and I fuck who I want."

"And if they're cute," Camille added, "we bring em home so we can both fuck em."

*OK, this is really weird*, Shannon thought to herself and started to make an excuse to leave when she heard a woman's voice call out from around a corner.

"Don't forget me," she said in a husky, yet still feminine voice.

"That's Jeannette. This is her place. She's the one I wanted you to meet."

A wave of relief washed over Shannon. Not to sound like a bitch, but she had no intentions of going out with someone who didn't have any teeth.

"My son needed changing," the voice called out again. "I brought him back to the bedroom so I could get a new diaper on him. I'm almost done. I just got to put him in his crib. It's his nap time as well."

Shannon decided to wait. She made small talk as best she could but she was rather pitiful at it. Luckily, the other people here loved to talk, so she mostly sat back and listened.

"Alright, I'm done," the voice said as it's owner's footsteps grew louder.

Shannon looked over as Jeannette came around the corner and both nearly gasped outloud. Jeannette was like a 5' 2" version of late 80s era Cher. Even though she wore no makeup and was dressed in an oversized, button up, blue shirt, and blue jeans; she was still one of the most stunning women Shannon had ever seen.

"Uh, hi," Shannon sputtered out lamely.

"Hi," Jeannette answered back almost as lamely. She then turned to Camille. "You weren't kidding about her eyes."

"Told ya," Camille teased.

"Well, welcome to my house. Please, have a seat." Jeannette motioned to a small table with three seats around it that was sitting up against a wall.

"Thanks." Shannon went over and sat down. Jeannette came over and sat directly across from her. "How old's your son?" Shannon asked.

"Two. Well, this son is two. I have a seven year old as well, but he lives with his father, my ex husband." Jeannette reached into her shirt pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Want one?" she asked.

Shannon put her hand up. "No thanks. I don't smoke or drink."

"And you met Camille at a bar?" Jeannette asked more amused than curious.

"Everyone at work and the gym said I should go out so I did. There's not a lot of places to go around here, just bars and churches basically, and I already go to church." Shannon wasn't defensive, but was actually having fun talking about the absurdity of a straightedge person going to a bar.

"Christian eh? What denomination?" Jeannette asked a bit hesitantly.

"Brethren. What about you?"

"Former Mormon, current witch," she responded in a flat, matter-of-fact tone.

"Witch? As in 'I'll get you my little pretty'?" Shannon didn't know if she should laugh or run.

Jeannette smiled and chuckled a bit. "As in someone who studies and utilizes the natural energies of the universe." She paused for a minute before adding with a mischievous smile, "Don't worry, I'm not going to steal your sole."

"I wasn't worried about that," Shannon added with her own smile.

"So, we have a straightedge, gay, Christian girl who goes to bars and listens to death metal. How do you square all that?"

"Well, like I said, there aren't many places for adults to meet, my faith isn't threatened by my music, and I'm celibate."

Jen wrinkled her nose in disgust. "You have no idea how unbelievably disappointing that is to here."

"I'm not saying I'm not open to arguments." Shannon felt a heat growing inside of her. Was she flirting? Was she actually flirting with another woman? Whatever she had felt when Camille had called her earlier today, she now felt a hundred times stronger.

The door to the apartment suddenly opened and a man who looked like a human version of Frank walked in. "Hey babe, how's Brandon?"

Jen got up and the two kissed. "He's napping now. Oh, Justin, this is Shannon. She's one of Camille's friends."

Shannon went from feeling a growing heat to a cold, emptiness. Had Jeannette just been toying with her? Was all this just to make fun of her? Once she left, would they all laugh and joke about her? This was high school all over again.

"I thought you were at work until eleven tonight?" Jen asked.

"I am. I'm on lunch so I thought I'd come and see you real quick." He kissed Jen again. "And now I'm off. See you tonight. Nice to meet you Shannon." With that he was off.

"So that's your husband? " Shannon asked deflated.

"No. Justin and I could never get married. He is my boyfriend though. And Brandon's surrogate father. Brandon's real dad was a one night stand that had consequences that lasted a little longer," Jen said with a chuckle.

Shannon immediately thought of Kathy. Jen seemed to be a reincarnation of her own biological mother. She began to feel a growing disdain for Jeannette and this entire collection of freaks.

"Are you alright? " Jen asked concerned.

"No, I'm not feeling well. I think I better get home," Shannon replied, depressed. She got up and went to the door.

"Oh, ok," Jen said back surprised. "I hope you feel better."

"Yeah, me too," Shannon said and hurried out the door.

In the parking lot, Shannon wiped off the bottom of her feet, as instructed in The Bible. "When leaving the house of an unbeliever, wipe the dust from your feet," she repeated Mathew 10:14. "I'm sorry, oh Lord. I won't make this mistake again."

Two days later, she was knocking on the door.

[vaiyamagic]

Time to get serious, I guess

Life stuff under the cut, including discussions of ~feelings,~ sexuality, and life in general.

I’ve been on this-here Tumblr site for about three years. In that time, I’ve learned a lot about fandom, people, politics, other countries, and the LGBTQA+ community. I like to think I’ve become more accepting and understanding as a result, and have even learned that many of the things I did not used to think were offensive, in fact, were.

In this time spent learning, I’ve also been trying to figure myself out. At this point and time, I’m pretty sure I’m a heteroromantic demisexual. And let me tell you; it’s a pain in the ass.

I’ve been single now for seven years. I long for companionship, but am having a terrible time finding it. Being Demi, for me (the experience, of course, differs for different people,) means to find someone attractive, they either have to hit, like 98.9% of all of my physical appearance preferences, or I have to get to know them first. The first option is INCREDIBLY rare for me. I’m not the kind of person to see a random guy walking past and think, “Oh, he’s hot.” I just... don’t. I can’t. I’ve tried. I can think of a small handful of times that has happened to me. And that’s it.

The second option makes things very difficult, at least for me so far. I get to know someone first, and then I find them attractive. THAT’S when I start crushing on them. And when I finally get to the point where I’ve worked up the mental and emotional courage to say something about it? Well, I have usually past the point of no return by then. The most common answer I get is, “I’ve known you too long to think of you that way.”

Now, don’t get me wrong. Friendzone is nice. I like having friends. Most of my friends growing up have been male. But what is one to do when the only way I can feel attracted to someone is if they’ve been in the Friendzone first, and anyone who is in the Friendzone seems to think it’s a dead end?

So, here I am, trying not to develop crushes on people I’ve known, while at the same time, trying to figure out how the hell I’m ever going to find a boyfriend again. 

The thought of online dating (which I have tried about on four separate occasions now) just makes me angry and frustrated. All anyone seems to want is sex sex sex, and the thought of that in even the first few months wigs me out, let alone that whole stupid, “sex after the thrid date” rule that people seem to expect. The last date I had with someone online, the guy started asking about sex on date 2. Makes my skin crawl up the wall, into a rocket ship, and into space.

And, to make matters worse, I’m fairly certain I’m starting to feel the effects of being touch-starved on a pretty big level. And I hate being touched by people I don’t know. I HATE it. I seem to have found someone who is willing to platonically cuddle with me, and on the one hand, it’s helping a little, but on the other hand, it’s making me realize just how much I need this with someone on a regular basis. (the platonic cuddle-friend is a very busy person, and is often unavailable, so this is not a ‘any time I want’ situation.) 

And I mean NEED. Not just want. 

This is not a great feeling, going into the holidays. It’s just going to make me feel more and more undesirable, and make me feel like I’m just going to end up an old lonely cat lady for the rest of my life. Only, I can’t even have that, because I can only afford an apartment with a roommate, and most apartments in the area I live in charge $500 per pet, with a max of 2. So.... I can’t even make cat-lady a goal.

I’m legit tearing up as I type this.

I’m 100% sure that a majority of my lack of inspiration in writing and art is because I’ve been low-key depressed. I’ve wanted to get married and have kids since I was... well, for as long as I can remember. This has never changed. I still want that. I’m 33, and 90% of my friends from high school have done just that, even the ones who didn’t want to back then. 

I’ve got a minor crush on a co-worker right now. Minor, because I’m throwing all my effort into making sure it doesn’t get bigger. (We’ll see how that works.) I’ve worked with him for 14 years now, and I have ZERO clue how or if I should ever bring it up. 14 years is a long time. And if he decides that he’s “known me too long to think of me that way,” I’m still going to have to work with him. And then explain all this stuff about me. 

Being Demi seems to mean most people aren’t going to take your claim seriously. “I think people are making sexuality more complicated by breaking down to all these lables.” Someone once said to me when I mentioned it to them. “Are you sure you aren’t just picky?” “Maybe you should lower your standards.” “Maybe there’s something wrong with you.”

God, it sucks.

And I can’t even feel comfortable bringing it up inside any kind of LGBTQA+ community, because I’m essentially straight. Cis straight woman. Who’s only kinda Ace. Yay me.

As far back as I can remember, I’ve only ever been even a tiny bit attracted to a woman. And that would be Gal Gadot, of our Wonder Woman fame. First time is that recent. And so far, the only one. So, not attracted to women. 

I’m not sure I’ve got a final point here. I’m just getting it all out. I’ve been depressed for a long time. I want a boyfriend, but can’t figure out how to go about getting one without spending a ton of money I don’t have, or making my life a living stress-filled hell on the off-chance that I MIGHT find someone worth it.I just... I have no idea what to do.