#even THEN i get anxious when i miss a convo

[faaun]

i feel rly sad and conflicted abt one of my best friends on earth but idk who to ask for advice bc i usually would have consulted her in this situation lmao

[bunnihearted]

≽^•༚• ྀི≼

[pixeldolly]

The Sacrifice - Part 3

"Evelyn? What's up?"

"It's Roman. He hasn't come home last night, or this morning for that matter. Do you know where he is?"

To Jacob's surprise, Evelyn sounded worried.

"No, I don't know where he is. I haven't spoken to him since yesterday evening after he dropped off Olivia."

"Oh...right."

Jacob almost rolled his eyes.

"Are you sure he's not just staying over at someone's place and doesn't want to be disturbed?"

"I thought about that, but he's not answering his phone either. And get this: I get a call from some guy who claims to be a director, says Roman missed the morning shoot for the commercial he's supposed to star in. Weird, right? He was quite excited when he first got the gig."

There was a pause while Jacob considered this. It did seem rather odd that Roman would simply drop off the map like that. Odd and, if he was being completely honest, a little concerning.

"I really don't know what to tell you, Ev...I have no idea where he might've gone."

"Okay. Thanks anyway, Jake."

The call ended, leaving Jacob to stare pensively at Olivia's face beaming at him from the lock screen wallpaper. Suddenly, the silence blanketing the apartment felt subtly oppressive, as if it concealed a terrible secret.

Jacob frowned, and shook his head to dispel such fancies. Roman was most likely fine - it had just been a few hours, after all. He probably had one too many drinks and was nursing a hangover or something.

He made a move to pocket the phone - then pulled up his convo with Evelyn instead and began typing.

The hours passed with no news. Jacob even tried calling Roman himself, only for his calls to go to voicemail. Curiouser and curiouser; Roman was usually quick in answering his calls, in case they concerned their daughter.

Little by little, genuine concern began worming its way into his heart and nestled there, gnawing at his peace of mind.

Not long after 6 PM, he got a message from Evelyn saying she and Ulf were on their way, and he spent an anxious hour and a half until they arrived.

"Hey, guys. Are....you okay...?"

"Grr - Yes...Just raw from the change. Had no time to eat."

"We'll be fine. There's half a deer in the icebox when we get back. Now, let's talk about what we came here to do..."

"Ahh yes..." *sniff* "A strong scent trail, we should be able to follow it without too much trouble."

Jacob was having second thoughts about the whole thing.

"Maybe...maybe we should go to the police? If we think something happened to him..."

"And say what? He's an adult, it hasn't been that long, and we have no proof anything's wrong aside from our gut feelings. Even if they do take us seriously, it'll be hours before they do anything. We could find him right now - hey there, sweetie! Whoa, you've gotten so big!"

"Okay, fine. But I'm going with you."

"I'm not sure that's a good idea..."

"Why? Are you saying you think there could be danger involved?"

"I don't know, Jake. That's the problem."

"Well, I'm going! He's my - he's Olivia's father. My mind is made up, Ev, so let's not argue about it. Ulf, are okay to babysit?"

Ulf looked at his wife with sudden alarm.

"Hold on, I thought we were doing this together."

"We only really need one tracker, and I know Roman's scent better than anyone."

Ulf didn't like the reminder, but couldn't deny she had a point. It wasn't his only objection though.

"And what if there is danger -"

"C'mon, that's pretty unlikely - This is Mistvale, for Watcher's sake! I doubt anything here could threaten a werewolf. Besides, someone needs to keep an eye on little Liv."

"You are the pack leader...but a husband can't help worrying."

"And you are very sweet to do so, but I'll be fine. Most likely scenario? We'll find Roman passed out on someone's couch and I get to kick his ass for making us worry."

"I do know you are quite proficient at ass-kicking."

"Damn right I am!"

The light and warmth of the building seemed to recede behind them all too quickly.

"This way."

Jacob was glad to have Evelyn's nose guiding them, because that damnable mist made it impossible to see further than twenty paces or so.

It made the streets seem even lonelier and dingier than they were.

[icequeenbae]

Boy Next Door (m) Ch.3 | BBH

Pairing: Baekhyun x Reader

Neighbor AU, slow burn, hurt/comfort, fluff, smut

Warnings: Baek being the neighbor we’re all dreaming of, harassment (nothing graphic), a bit of body image/ insecurity, MC sucks at relationships, explicit content, unprotected sex

Word Count: ~18.5k (total), 5.3k (pt.3)

Summary: Your neighbor Baekhyun has been a pleasant acquaintance since you moved into your current apartment almost a year ago. Could he also be… a perfect match?

© Please do not copy/ post on other platforms without permission.

Chapter Masterlist [ongoing]: Pt. 1 > Pt. 2 > Pt. 3 > Pt. 4 (fin)

Author’s note: Hiiii sweethearts!! I learned yesterday that my blog has earned 10k likes from you, so I decided that there was no better way to say thanks than to post part 3 of this story hehe Hope you like this little token of appreciation! 💕 And prepare thyselves, this is gonna be pretty intense 🔥🔥🔥

Tags: @bbh-net  @k-vanity  @ksmutsociety @lavnderluv @cupreoussyzygy @byunbaek-hyun-04

PART 3

‘I hate my life, Yu…’

‘Wow, haven’t heard that one before,’ your friend responded sarcastically.

‘I’m serious this time!’ You shrieked.

‘Stop yelling in my ear,’ she grumbled, shifting on the bed. ‘Your life sucks just ‘cause you’re too sensitive.’

You whined loudly, which couldn’t prevent her from continuing her lecture for the nth time.

‘I get that you were caught off guard. But who’s that chick to make such disgusting comments? I’m sure you looked hot as hell in his shirt, and she was jealous of you.’

‘Thanks, but you have no idea what she looked like…’

‘She probably isn’t even that pretty; you just thought she was in the spur of a moment. You get confused easily.’

‘No, I don’t! I can’t say her face is the prettiest I’ve seen, but she was dressed in expensive clothes, her hair seemed perfect, and she was skinny.’

‘Who cares? Is that why you’re not eating tteokbokki for the first time in your life??’

‘I’m not hungry,’ you groaned.

‘You’re always hungry! I’ve never seen you turn down street food! Can you at least eat the egg?’

‘Eat it yourself.’

Yuki gasped.

‘Are you sure you’re not terminally ill? Shall I call an ambulance?’ She asked and then shifted in place. ‘Or better yet… shall I call him?’

‘What? No!’ You almost pounced on your friend out of fear.

She was kidding, but you knew what she was capable of.

‘Y/N… It’s been a week. You can’t be avoiding him forever.’

‘I can. And I will.’

‘Come on! Why would you? It’s obvious from their convo that she isn’t his girlfriend, more like an annoying ex. If even that. Maybe she’s a stalker… So why are you retreating to your shell again?’

‘Because! What if she is his ex? I don’t think we’re exactly similar in any way, and if she is his type, then…’

‘Then what? Didn’t he mercilessly kick her out? So what exactly does she have on you?’

You sighed, turning away. It wasn’t that you were ugly or had low self-esteem. But people had their… preferences and beauty standards. And you imagined that guys like Baekhyun usually went for girls like her. Not the girls next door. It wasn’t as much about beauty as…

She just seemed more exciting. And you were anything but.

‘Just talk to him. Pretty sure the abundance of missed calls means that he wants to clear up the misunderstanding.’

‘Do you have soju?’

‘I’m not pouring you alcohol when you’ve been starving yourself for days! Besides, you have work tomorrow, don’t you?’

‘I thought I was the boring one,’ you grumbled, pouting at your friend.

Although you didn’t have a drop of anything, the next day at work was just as agonizing as the entire week prior. You were usually pretty happy about Fridays (with the whole weekend ahead), but you were in a sour mood this time. Going home meant getting anxious about running into your neighbor, and you hadn’t come up with what to tell him yet. So, the sooner the end of your working hours approached, the more uneasy you felt.

Baekhyun hadn’t tried calling or texting you today, and this was hardly a relief. Did he give up on you and your weird tantrums? Most likely. But then again, maybe it was for the best. This way, you wouldn’t have a chance to live in the world you’d imagined. At times, especially right before you went to sleep, you’d think back to the events of that day. And inevitably, the memories of the two of you making out on his couch would pop up in your head. Then the intruder barges in and looks down on you. Humiliating you with her comments in front of Baekhyun. Goosebumps marathoned across your body every time you recalled that. Especially your own pathetic reaction. Why didn’t you tell her off? Why did you suddenly feel so insecure?

Your desire to avoid going home was so strong that you ended up drinking with some of your colleagues at a bar. Secretly, you’d also hoped that alcohol would erase the unpleasant memories. And at least for a bit, you’d stop beating yourself up forever thinking you and Baekhyun could work. You were hurt many times when your exes left for someone, but the incident in his apartment was different. It was like a quick sneak peek into this situation, and you didn’t like how it made you feel. And it shouldn’t have affected you this way. You and Baekhyun weren’t even a thing.

But Yuki was definitely right about denying you access to alcohol. Too bad you were an adult with all the means to get as much of it as you desired.

‘Why is this button dancing around? It’s not supposed to move,’ you slurred out, unable to call the elevator. ‘Jinwoo-yah, it’s not working.’

‘Let me press it for you, Y/N-ssi.’

Your colleague leaned in, still holding you close to his side to prevent you from collapsing to the floor, and pressed the button. His ‘heroic’ action made you giggle.

‘Jinwoo-ya-ah, you’re the bestest!’

He snickered at your expressiveness and helped you inside the elevator.

‘Which floor?’

‘Thirteen.’ You giggled throughout the ride up, although you didn’t know what was funny about that number.

‘You’re in pretty bad shape, sunbae.’ He sighed, catching you when you almost tripped, walking out. ‘What’s your passcode?’

‘No-no-no!’ You shook your index finger in front of his nose. ‘I don’t tell all the pretty boys my passcode!’

Jinwoo looked at you helplessly, probably grasping that you were unable to actually press it in yourself.

And he was right. After about five minutes of you trying and failing, he suggested again.

‘Just tell me, and I’ll do it.’

‘Okay. It’s 3-2- no, 1-… 2-1-6… Wait. Was it?’ You were confused by your own thoughts now.

‘Y/N?’

You turned your head towards the voice.

‘Baekhyunie!’ You jumped on the spot and almost dropped yourself on the tile if not for your helpful colleague’s hands on your waist. ‘Do you remember my passcode? Jinwoo doesn’t know it…’

Baekhyun didn’t respond, scanning you and the man beside you.

‘What happened?’ He addressed the guy, earning a pout from you.

‘Our team was out, and she had too much soju on an empty stomach,’ he explained. ‘Tomorrow morning’s gonna be bad, so she should lie down ASAP. Do you know her passcode by any chance?’

‘No.’ Baekhyun answered. ‘But I’ll deal with her. You can go, thanks.’

Jinwoo was reluctant to let go of you.

‘Uh- wait. She’s really drunk. I don’t think I can just leave her-’

‘She’s been alone with me many times. Don’t worry about it.’ Baekhyun pierced your poor colleague with his eyes, gripping your waist.

‘Are you taking me home, oppa-yah? Can we make out on your couch again?’ You murmured, leaning into him.

‘Aish. You’re shameless.’ He chuckled, turning to Jinwoo, who was still by your side.

He was less sure that he needed to be there now.

‘I’ll… Uh- I’ll just go then. Take care!’ He blurted, nodding at Baekhyun before walking away.

‘Bye, Jin-jinwoo!’ You waved at him happily.

‘Come on in,’ Baekhyun shooed you into his apartment. ‘How did you even get this drunk…’

He crouched in front of you, helping you out of your shoes.

‘…and with a bunch of male colleagues, I’m sure. He can’t just leave you with me? Pfft!’ He kept grumbling as he almost carried you into the kitchen.

After making you drink some water, he brought you to the next destination – his bedroom.

‘Can you stand here while I change the sheets?’

‘No-ho!’ Your knees instantly grew weak, and you’d fall if not for Baekhyun’s hold.

‘Wow, your condition is worse than I thought. Let’s sit you down then.’

‘No! Don’t change them!’

He looked at you in bafflement.

‘You don’t want me to change the sheets?’

You closed your eyes, head too heavy to shake to indicate your answer.

‘I want… Baekhyunie’s sheets.’ You shoved him away, stumbling over nothing and falling onto his bed face first.

‘Y/N-ah…’ He sounded like he was about to scold you.

‘No. Baekhyunie’s sheets smell nice.’

‘The clean ones smell even nicer.’ He tried.

‘No. They don’t smell like oppa.’ You quipped, burying your nose in his pillow.

‘You like how oppa smells?’ He asked, lifting his eyebrows.

‘Yes. Comfy.’

‘Comfy?’

‘Yes. I like him. But he likes other type.’ You muttered in an injured tone.

‘Other type?’ He asked, sitting down on the bed next to you.

You ignored him at first, but he poked at your shoulder to get you to elaborate.

‘Mean skinny girls.’ You mumbled begrudgingly. ‘Not Y/N.’

‘You’re drunk. You should sleep,’ Baekhyun sighed, giving up on you.

He pulled the duvet from underneath your body to cover you with it. While he was busy tucking you in, you started sobbing.

‘Y/N? What is it, does anything hurt?’ He asked, voice growing alarmed from your sudden change of tune.

‘Why doesn’t oppa like me, though?’ You sniffled, hugging his pillow. ‘I know I’m not fun, but I like him so much…’

‘That’s just not true.’ He replied, stroking your hair gently. ‘Calm down. Sleep it off, and then we’ll talk, okay? Get comfortable, and I’ll take the couch.’

But you continued wetting his pillow with your drunken tears even more devotedly.

‘Are you gonna leave me alone? Is it because I’m not- You really don’t-’

‘Oh, Y/N…’

Baekhyun allowed you to tug him closer, basically lying down next to you. At once, you latched onto him, trading his pillow for his body without hesitation.

‘Don’t go,’ you bleated, holding onto him, head on his chest.

He sighed, arms slowly reciprocating your sudden embrace.

‘I’m not going anywhere, Y/N-ie. Oppa’s staying with you.’ He sounded reassuring, but you weren’t entirely convinced.

‘What if she comes again?’

‘No one will come.’

‘What if she does!’ You pressed.

‘Then I’ll tell her to go away. Because I like my Y/N-ie best,’ Baekhyun responded, and you could’ve only been more surprised if you were sober.

‘Me?’

‘Yes, you. Now, go to sleep, or I’ll relocate to the couch.’

‘No!’ With how sleepy you’d become, you were protesting to the latter rather than the former.

‘Shall I count to three?’

‘I’m asleep,’ you whispered, before adding in a tiny mischievous voice. ‘Oppa-yah.’

‘Tsk. Silly.’ He hummed softly, hugging you tighter.

It was warm and secure in Baekhyun’s arms. Comfy. You’d never dozed off so quickly and so peacefully.

***

The next morning was rough. No, it was brutal.

Took you several hours to simply wake up. On the first go, you couldn’t bring yourself to even open your eyes. It was still early, and your head hurt so much… Yelping like a puppy, you sank deeper into the sheets, breathing in more of the calming scent. Somehow, it lulled you right back to sleep.

The second time around though, you did fully wake. Although not for long: only long enough to notice a cup of water and a single pill that Baekhyun had already left for you on top of the nightstand. Taking a few gulps to wash it down, you dropped back and blacked out again.

By the third time you opened your eyes, the sun was so high in the sky that you could tell even though the curtains were closed. Your head was heavy, and your mouth tasted awful, but the headache was gone. Taking your time, you looked around the room, recalling how you got into, what you realized was, Baekhyun’s bed.

You sat up cautiously, rubbing your eyes to wake fully before noticing that your fingers were turning black.

‘Ah damn, my makeup!’ You cursed, nearly falling off the edge of the bed.

It was decided on the spot that you needed to move your bones to the bathroom before Baekhyun saw you in your hungover glory.

‘You just had to end up at his house,’ you gritted at yourself, walking to the bathroom door shakily.

Locking yourself in, you evaluated your appearance in the mirror.

‘Jesus Christ. My face is enormous!’

You almost cried. Did you have to look this awful? Surely, Baekhyun took notice of your extreme swelling and panda-inspired ruined mascara and left the bed as soon as possible.

‘Don’t go.’  Yesterday’s events were gradually coming back to you, brick by brick.

Did you beg him to stay in bed with you? He must have found you laughable. How could you even look him in the eye ever again?

You washed up as thoroughly as possible. As if any amount of face rubbing could decrease its puffiness to a bearable extent. Well, at least you got the remnants of your makeup off.

Unwilling to risk running into Baekhyun like this, you decided to be an audacious guest and use the shower, too. After all, you were sure you wouldn’t leave the apartment unnoticed. This way, you’d at least postpone the inevitable.

However, your oblivion only lasted long enough for you to finish up. Because as soon as you opened the door, you were met with the person you wanted to avoid at all costs.

‘God!’ You were startled and caught off guard.

‘It’s just me,’ Baekhyun shrugged, trying to ease the tension with a joke.

‘I- I’m sorry. For the inconvenience…s. I’ll be out of your hair in a second.’

You hurried to gather your things, but his hand prevented you from taking another step.

‘Why are you always fussing around?’ He asked, raising his eyebrows.

Unsure how to answer, you stayed silent. Baekhyun chuckled, thinking something to himself. Before you could ask what it was, he cleared his throat.

‘Let’s have breakfast. I made ramyeon; it’s great for hangovers.’

‘Uh- but-’

‘Do you have somewhere to be?’ He asked with an eye smile.

He was definitely amused. Probably because of your reprehensible performance yesterday.

‘Come on, you need to replenish your energy. Do you feel nauseous or dizzy?’

You muttered ‘no’ shyly, and he nodded.

‘Good. Let’s go then.’

While being dragged into the kitchen, you could only swear at yourself in your mind for your life choices.

‘I boiled a couple of eggs for you too. Do you want kimchi?’

You shook your head, frankly quite blown away by his forethought. He gave you a full bowl of noodles, placing the pot in the middle of the table.

‘Dig in.’

‘Thank you.’ Grabbing your chopsticks, you followed his suggestion.

Surprisingly, the ramyeon was spicy.

Slurping the noodles quickly, you realized how hungry you actually were. The bowl became empty in just a couple minutes.

‘Wow, I guess making four servings was the right choice,’ Baekhyun mused, removing the lid. ‘Have more.’

In the back of your mind, you still wondered why he made spicy ramyeon for you when he couldn’t eat spicy food that well himself.

Your second bowl went slower than the first, so you noticed how he observed you.

‘What?’ You asked, chewing on the egg.

‘Nothing,’ he smiled. ‘You’re eating well.’

You lowered your chopsticks, thinking about what he’d said. It was your first big and unhealthy meal this week, now that you were thinking of it. And maybe it was a good idea to slow down.

‘Why did you stop?’ Baekhyun asked, looking concerned.

Forcing out a small smile, you turned to him.

‘You’re right, I should cut down on it anyways.’

‘That’s not what I said,’ Baekhyun frowned, putting his chopsticks down. ‘But now I’ve come to think of it, that colleague of yours said something yesterday, too. That you drank on an empty stomach. Why?’

‘No reason,’ you mumbled, suddenly interested in the color of the broth.

He took his time inspecting your face, and you tried to ignore it.

‘Don’t tell me… Is it because of what she said?’

You dropped a chopstick you were still holding into your bowl with a loud clank, almost jumping out of your skin. How did he come to that conclusion? Were you that easy to figure out? Maybe you said something yesterday… What could that be?

‘I can literally read your thoughts on your face,’ Baekhyun sighed. ‘You really are silly, Y/N-ah…’

You pouted, saying nothing to this. Because you didn’t know what to say and also because you weren’t sure what he meant.

‘Hm. No one asked me, but… I like a girl with a healthy appetite,’ he said, tilting his head slightly to the side while his eyes kept watching you closely.

Meeting his gaze, you swallowed. The spicy ramyeon was making you sweat.

‘Makes me think she has a healthy appetite for everything. You know?’

Turning crimson, you bit down on your lower lip.

‘Now, you decide whose opinion resonates with you,’ Baekhyun added lightheartedly, returning to his meal as if nothing happened. ‘Wah, should’ve added cheese to it…’

Reluctantly, you picked up your chopsticks.

‘Can’t let it get soggy,’ you said unintelligibly.

Baekhyun gurgled out a laugh before slurping more of his noodles.

The day went by unfathomably fast since you had only finished your ‘breakfast’ in the late afternoon. Your neighbor’s hospitality made you feel at home (as usual), and you were already used to hanging out in his apartment for hours. And although you were too embarrassed to even think of looking Baekhyun in the eye, it had all cleared up somehow. He even managed to seduce you into staying for a few hours longer.

Most of that time you spent chilling on the couch, reducing his lemon ice-cream stock while he played video games. Which you enjoyed watching, actually. Despite having no clue about how to play them or what the goal was, you liked to be around when he played. He always seemed so focused and relaxed at the same time. You could tell that he was good at it, and he always made sure to win whenever you were watching.

However, by the time he was done, you noticed it was pretty late already.

‘Damn, I’m overstaying my welcome by far. You’re a perfect host,’ you chuckled sheepishly, scrambling off the couch to head to his bedroom to change back into your clothes and go home.

‘You can stay as long as you like. I don’t mind,’ Baekhyun murmured, following in your steps.

‘I can’t stay in your apartment forever, can I?’ You mused, turning to face him.

‘Can’t you?’ He deadpanned, approaching you steadily.

You searched his face in puzzlement, and he didn’t stop moving closer until there was less than half an arm’s length between your bodies.

‘What if you do?’ He asked softly, backing you into the wardrobe door. ‘You wanted oppa to stay with you yesterday. Aren’t you going to return the favor?’

He was referring to your drunken ravings, you were sure. Your cheeks heated up, and you swallowed to soothe your dry throat. Baekhyun was so close, and you had to hold yourself back to keep your hands off of him, his messy hair, broad shoulders, and loose sweats.

‘I wonder if you only said that because you were inebriated… Or…’ He trailed off, leaning on the door behind you.

‘Stop…’ You whispered, unable to withstand his slow seduction.

Baekhyun paused, a breath away from your face, and straightened up slightly, allowing more space between you.

‘… beating around the bush.’ You finished, firmer this time, and looked up at him.

There was no need to ask him to do anything. He pressed his lips to yours with zero hesitation, and you were ready to welcome his initiative. Sliding your palms up his arms, you squeezed and hugged his shoulders, using them for balance. Baekhyun’s hands pulled you closer until your body was flat against his, and you could feel the heat of his skin on yours through the fabric of your (actually, his) shirt.

He groaned into the kiss as you slipped one hand under his clothes to trace your fingers from his lower back. The muscles flexed under your touch, and you felt more pressure against your chest. He pushed you into his body firmly, and you couldn’t think of anything but how much you wanted this to be skin-to-skin contact.

Baekhyun, as if reading your mind, backed away just to allow you to roll his shirt up and get it off. Your eyes examined his bare waist greedily, memorizing each line and each mole. He interrupted you by occupying your mouth again, and you let him do as he pleased, trailing your palms down his chest. Happy to investigate, you allowed your fingers to wander around everywhere, exploring his beautiful body.

As your hands reached his lower abdomen, however, you were interrupted by the loud ringing of his phone in his pants pocket.

‘Damn it.’ He cursed under his breath, almost pissed off by the unnecessary pause. ‘Hold that thought.’

He looked at the screen and sighed, seeing that the number was unknown.

‘Yes, hello?’ He responded, voice mildly annoyed.

Someone spoke on the other end, and he frowned.

‘Who is this?’

Baekhyun fell silent for a couple seconds and then rolled his eyes.

‘How did you get my number?’

The caller’s voice was faint, but it seemed familiar… Was it that woman again?

Suddenly, you were straining your ears to hear what she was saying.

‘…couldn’t enter, and I brought dinner for us!’

She did what?!

You looked at Baekhyun, who stepped away and turned his back to you.

‘I’m not sure why you thought it was a good idea. But I did blacklist you in my apartment complex because you enjoy invading my privacy.’

At least your neighbor didn’t want her here; that was a relief. What bothered you was that he was still on the phone with her. In his bedroom, half-naked, and with you on hold. In your mind, this wasn’t at all an ideal scenario.

And tonight, you were in the mood to make it known.

So, you crawled into bed and took his shirt off, crumpling it into a ball of fabric and throwing it at his back. Baekhyun turned around, finding the item on the floor and staring at it momentarily. His eyes darted up to discover that you were in his bed, almost fully naked, with just the blanket held up to your chest covering you. His tense expression promptly changed into one of playful anticipation.

‘Um- I’m busy right now. Please go home and don’t bother me again. Bye.’

He said the last word with his knee on the bed, and you snatched his phone out of his hand as soon as he ended the call. Picking up exactly where you’d left off, you resumed kissing, only to be interrupted by the buzz of his phone on the pillow again. You growled in irritation.

‘Let me block her.’ Baekhyun said, kissing your neck while reaching for the device.

But you grabbed it first.

‘Are you desperate, or is your hearing impaired? Stop calling him.’

Ending it before she could say anything, you quickly blocked the number, switched the sound off, and got rid of his phone. Turning back, you noticed Baekhyun’s unyielding gaze.

‘What?’ You barked.

‘Nothing,’ he shook his head, seemingly holding back a smile. ‘I’m just surprised.’

‘By?’

‘How vicious you are when you’re jealous. In a sexy kind of way.’

You huffed, reasoning with him like a five-year-old would.

‘I’m not jealous! She can’t set foot in the area, and I freaking live next door.’

‘Right.’

His teasing tone made you even more determined, so you pushed him down to lie on his back, and got on top.

‘What do I need to be jealous of? I got you right here.’

‘Oh yeah, you got me good.’

Spurred on further, you narrowed your eyes at your mildly infuriating neighbor before finding his pants and ripping them off of him. Just to realize that he wasn’t wearing anything underneath.

Meanwhile, Baekhyun wasn’t at all fazed by your brazen actions. In fact, he was noticeably aroused by them, which you could tell from the way he watched you with half-lidded eyes.

‘Now what?’ He asked, still lying down comfortably and enjoying the show. ‘Gonna ride me raw?’

‘Yes.’ You shot out without thinking, earning an eyebrow raise from him, and settled on his thighs. ‘Gonna keep mocking me?’

‘Yes.’ He mirrored, long fingers traveling up your thighs to get a good hold of your hips and push you down slightly.

The friction between your bodies made him hiss, the thin and slightly damp fabric of your panties grazing over his bare cock.

‘Shit, Y/N.’

It was finally your turn to be smug.

‘I thought you didn’t swear in front of ladies?’

He let out a short laugh, letting you know he was onto you.

‘I actually swear a lot,’ he admitted, smirking at you as he continued. ‘When I’m angry, when I’m surprised… When I really wanna fuck Y/N.’

You dragged your hips over his in retaliation, causing him to grunt. His hands made your movements more confident and consistent, and you could feel the glide of his skin with your core as you moved back and forth. It was pleasant, but you knew it would be much better without that last layer between you.

While you were thinking it through, Baekhyun’s eyes were glued to your body. One of his hands reached for your breast to squeeze lightly, testing your sensitivity, and you put your palm on top of it to ensure he wouldn’t retract.

‘You’re so… soft,’ he stated, chest flailing. ‘Does it hurt?’

‘No. My breasts aren’t overly sensitive to that type of touch. Ow!’ You instantly reacted when he pinched you.

‘Your nipples seem sensitive to me,’ he hummed, tugging you close enough to kiss your exposed nub quickly. ‘What type of touch, though… Maybe this?’

A quick lick made you whine, startled by the explosion of warmth in your lower belly. However, Baekhyun quickly caught on to your reactions, so he opted to suck your perky nipple into his mouth to fondle it gently. You shivered, fingers diving into his hair and pulling at the roots.

‘Mm, Baekhyun-n-’ He ignored your cry, tongue still swirling around the tiny area while his eyes studied your face. ‘God- damn you.’

He released it slowly, licking his sufficiently wet lips afterward.

‘Shall I move on to the other one?’ He inquired with a ghost of a smile on his face, noting how quickly he was making you disintegrate with simple petting.

‘Wait!’ You pressed on his chest to have him lie back.

The further delay seemed impossible. Reaching down, you quickly moved your panties out of the way and pressed the tip of his fully hard cock to your leaking entrance. Your fingers were instantly slick with your own arousal, and Baekhyun could only groan as he slipped inside you effortlessly. His hips jerked voluntarily, and you yelped at the intense yet welcomed sensation.

‘Sorry… Couldn’t help it.’ Your lover’s hand patted your thigh apologetically, and you shook your head.

‘Just- give me a second,’ you muttered, clenching down on him. ‘It’s been a while…’

He stroked your thigh up and down for a bit, probably reining his desires in. You could feel the twitch of his length in a tight lock of your walls.

Seeing something in your eyes, Baekhyun moved to sit up with you still in his lap. You met him halfway, finding his lips already waiting for yours. The kiss was deep and slow, accompanied by the caress of his hands on your back and waist. You were so consumed by it that you didn’t even notice when your hips started rocking.

But your hunger grew exponentially, and just minutes later the leisured pace couldn’t keep you satisfied anymore.

‘Baekhyun,’ you whined, too overwhelmed and loved-up in your chase after pleasure.

Holding on to his firm shoulders, you threw your head back. He continued pressing kisses into the damp skin of your chest, kneading your ass with one of his hands simultaneously. The position wasn’t the most convenient, but the affection you received was worth every strain on your muscles.

‘Baekhyun, please…’ You sobbed the anticipation building and slipping out of grasp again.

Somehow, he understood what your plea implied. It was time for him to take charge, and you were ready to give him the opportunity to do so.

And it seemed like he was only waiting for the opening.

Your partner was quick to fling you onto the bed. Before you knew it, your panties were on the floor, and he was between your legs, spreading them wider. His first thrust made you whimper with its steadiness and intensity, and so did the second and the third.

‘I got you, baby.’ His voice seemed lower, void of teasing now and laced with fondness and passion.

‘Mmh-’ You arched your back, thighs quivering in pleasure around his middle.

‘Fuck,’ he swore, enduring your tightness and going hard to bring you to your release as fast as possible. ‘Fuck, Y/N-ie…’

‘B-Baekhyun…’ You hiccupped while he reached the spots inside you that made your eyes roll backward. ‘I’m close…’

Your hand slipped down his sweaty back, and the pounding became so precise that you felt tears prick your eyes.

‘Mm-baby, you need to come,’ Baekhyun growled into your ear, breathing heavily. ‘You’re too fucking tight.’

Shrieking as if in pain, you clawed at his shoulder to keep him in place, still teetering on the edge of your release.

‘Ah- yes, yes,’ You cried out as he gave you his all, bottoming out each time, sweat running down his face. ‘Baekhyun!’

His hold on you became rigid while you writhed through your high. He slowed down and kept jerking his hips forward to allow you to milk every drop of your pleasure until you couldn’t take it anymore. Both of your breathing was loud and labored, and it took you some time to be fully reinstated in reality. Slowly, the sensory feedback deciphered, and you noticed how sweaty you were. It was also still slick and swollen between your legs. In fact, you seemed to all be covered in bodily fluids, but that couldn’t detract from your level of satisfaction.

‘Wow,’ you heard Baekhyun say from beside you. ‘I really risked it all for this. Hey, was it worth it?’

You blinked at him several times, brain too slow to catch his meaning.

‘Your orgasm,’ he added, snorting at your absentmindedness. ‘I barely managed to pull out on time.’

Smiling weakly at his statement, you licked your dry lips.

‘I’m glad you have so much more willpower than me…’ You flinched as he wiped his cum off your lower belly before pulling the covers over you.

‘What willpower? I’ve never had so little.’ Baekhyun hummed, moving closer to you and invading your pillow. ‘I don’t have sex without condoms. And I generally last longer, but you almost made me bust a nut before you.’

‘Oh damn, I feel special,’ you chuckled, loving how his fingers caressed your face while brushing your hair back.

‘You are, Y/N-ie,’ he murmured, leaning in and kissing you. ‘I assume round two is for later?’

‘Later??’

‘I’ll give you till morning,’ he suggested playfully.

‘I need to shower first. And rest.’

‘Why do all that when you can just come again?’

‘Stop talking like that, or I will marry you.’ You fired at him, squirming under the influence of his affectionate touching.

‘Great thinking. Then I won’t have to pull out.’

You gasped, causing him to laugh.

‘It’s alright. We’re only a bit too young to become parents. But you know, my hyung was younger than me when he became a father. That was by accident, though.’ He paused for a second. ‘Come to think of it, I’m not a big expert on pulling out, so who knows how it’s gonna-’

‘Baekhyun?’

‘Hm?’

‘Shut up.’

Masterlist

A/N: Okay, here goes!! Just another installment left to finish this mini-series, how are we feeling?? Hehe As usual, big thanks for your messages and comments, I appreciate all of the feedback from you my darlings💜💜💜

[mostowa]

_This might not be popular, but I really think that something shifted in their dynamics in late S5 (and I genuinely believe it was also always partially missing) and I think the break-up really helped to dig into this problem._

Please could you write more about this? What do you think has changed between them? When did this start and why?

Hello Nonnie!

So... Yeah. It's quite a hard topic for me, because I really don't like being the one to stand out in a cheering and positive crowd that this fandom has been. But, I will do my best to explain what I mean, too.

Disclaimer is that I binged The Rookie until 6x04 and I really believe that when you binge things you might miss the details, that with this pairing has always been important. In short: disclaimer is that I might be wrong.

I also need to say that my views come from a place of being an anxious person that has often been dismissed regarding her feelings and even belittled.

With all that in mind, let me try to explain my mindset a bit. Some of the parts I have already explained in this post. So if you've read it it might be kind of repetitive.

While I've loved Chenford since 3x12 and Green Dress, I've always found it disturbing how Tim approaches Lucy in her low moments. It's not that he approaches it bad. I just honestly think that his approach has always been quite bantery (17st place) and definitely more action than words style. There is nothing bad with that, I just don't truly believe this is good for anxious Lucy. I really think that Jackson was always the best kind support for her. I think the core thing for me was that Jackson always acknowledged her feelings and tried to be supportive, before providing solution. For me the part of "acknowledging her feelings" is the part that I haven't seen that much in Tim.

I think I noticed it hard in the documentary 5x18, when it almost felt like Lucy was in denial about being so optimistic about their relationship, while Tim was grumpy and protective over himself and his image. I think this is where I saw this shift (not sure if it was also the shift in the characters), that maybe Tim might have some serious doubts about their relationship.

For me, this is this surface level relationship problem that dr London called him out for. It is that he does not know how to be together, how to be deep in a relationship. He tried that once and look where it got him (it was not his fault by any means).

For me, it carried in the late S5 and early S6 so much so that it led to their break-up. That Tim chose to put up some walls instead of finding resolution. And, again, it's not that I blame him for that. Hell, with kind of childhood and past that he has it is incredibly in character. But he is also a grown up man that needs to take responsibility of his life and people around him. That's why 6x10 made me so excited: the dynamics are a-changing. He is starting to tear down his walls brick by brick and learn what does being together actually means.

Because I feel that as anxious as Lucy sometimes the "being together" is what she understands at her core. Hence the hug, the jump and all the big things she's been doing for him (after the break-up and before too, of course). Of course, she is not crystal (Nyla is, lol! sorry for the dad joke). She jumped on this train very quick and very enthusiastically and they never really had a real convo about their feelings.

I think it really blew up with Ray, when Tim just ghosted Lucy and kept her in the dark for so many hours. It's not a good communication, let's say straight forward it is just a really encyclopedic example of bad communication. He gets wrapped up in his own world and cannot quite wrap his mind about what Lucy needs. I hope that will get changed, because, well Tim was not a good partner then.

Just to sum this all up. I've already started to see some progress with Tim's character and I really really hope they keep on showing this in S7. This is my biggest hope for S7, actually.

I really, really hoped I answered your question. Y'all! Tell me if I'm wrong, please!!!

[kyurizeu]

#18 - I missed you. (Im)possibly fate

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

Recent - masterlist - next

Warnings: cursing, awkwardness, boring ass convos, bad grammar

Word count: 1,2k

A/n: hello everyone! I’m trying to come back to tumblr tho it really hard because i have no ideas for stories. So help is very much appreciated! I havent proofread this (oops)

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

The week had passed quicker than expected. You hadn’t had any energy or motivation the whole week because your biggest energy source wasn’t there. You were way too scared to go talk to Jungwon as a result of possibly irritating him again, so you decided it would be best if he just thought about it alone. Although it did pass your mind to go talk to him and make him feel bad about being distant, you knew it was unfair; you were in the same situation after all. You felt like he was mad because for the whole week he didn’t send a single message, not even a "gm" or gn," so you were anxious about seeing him again, especially with the same conversation. It would’ve been smarter to text him and get all of the worries out of the way, but before you knew it, it was Thursday morning, and you had to talk the whole thing over again.

Just like your everyday routine, you got ready and left the dorm with your members. The day's schedule was filled with a couple meetings, scheduling, and promotions, and later in the evening, the most important thing was an interview with Jungwon about the song.

You sighed and sat down in the meeting room. You were the first one there, which was definitely not fun. Whoever is the first person to be in the meeting room has to wait for everyone to come separately and stay quiet and awkward when there's only one or two just sitting. So you took out your phone and scrolled on it, afraid to look up when someone entered the meeting room. "Good morning, yn," said Jungwon. You looked up at him, trying to read his facial expression to match his feelings. Oh, hello, Winnie," it was so awkward. You two hadn’t spoken in a week and were a couple; the room atmosphere was so uncomfortable. Should you even call him "babe" anymore, or does he want to break up? You started to fidget with your fingers while overthinking everything until your thoughts were interrupted by him again. "look umh… Things have been a little strange between us the past week, but I just want you to know that I’m not mad or anything." He sat down across the table. "I didn’t text you because I tried to give you space. I realised that it could seem like I’m trying to pressure you to make up your mind." "I did that too." It was still strangely awkward, but you just needed to say something. "Jungwon?" He looked back up at you from his phone. "I missed you so much." Your lips formed a straight line. Jungwon got up and gave you a warm hug, and without a word, you felt so much more comfortable. "I missed you too, sweetie." Just then the meeting room doors opened and more people came in. Jungwon didn’t sit back on his original chair, but now next to you. The meeting started about 3 minutes later.

Okay, so today we have arrangements. We need to plan the meetings, interviews, promotional activities, and the rest of the week so they fit into both Jungwon’s and Yn’s schedules. But first we have the big question. Jungwon and Yn wanted to take it into consideration to let them make their relationship public. What do we do?" Your manager started

Well, um, me and Jungwon took some time thinking about our opinions on it separately." You stated this, and Jungwon nodded next to you.

Okay, so what do you two think?"

"I was thinking about pros and cons for both scenarios. I came to the conclusion that, in my opinion, It’d be better if we went public."

Jungwon finally told me which decision he ended up with.

"Don’t you think that it’s more on the bad side to go public, though? The public is spreading rumours and isn’t making things easy for either of you." His manager spoke up.

"Of course the fact that the public is suspicious and spreading rumours about us isn’t good and would hurt our case, but they have in fact spread them for a while now, meaning that they have become a little normalised, which takes away the problem, plus my fans haven’t sent anything weird to live comments or anything like that, unlike when the rumours started a little over a week ago."

You stared as Jungwon defended his decision, and you couldn’t help but admire the way he was explaining everything. His hands waving in the air made cute gestures, and his brows moved up and down, making him look more convincing. His dimple popped up on his cheek at times when he was talking, and your mind told you to boop it with your finger, but then you heard your name being called out.

O-oh, yes, what?"

"Which choice do you find more smart?"

Oh, yes, well.. I thought about how our future in our careers would go in both directions, and I have to admit that our careers would suffer a little from going public, but then I thought about our future together, which has nothing to do with our careers. I realise that we can survive a little damage, no matter if it’s with our careers or not, or even a lot of damage, when we have each other. I assume also Jungwon’s but especially my career would get a little damage from either situation since being away from Jungwon would take a lot of energy and motivation from me. I learned that this week. I would be able to get through rumours, hate, scandals, and god knows what else if I had Jungwon by my side. So going public Is definitely my choice."

You nodded at your manager after letting your thoughts out, and he gave a quick glance at Jungwon, as did you. He was smiling cutely, and he looked back at you. "Well.. i guess if we can plan the rest of the week in this meeting, i guess that’s what we will do, unless our plans clash with going public. See, we haven’t planned anything where you two would have the opportunity to announce it."

"Well, we don’t have to do some big splashy reveal. We could just go live and tell everyone, or maybe walk hand in hand somewhere and let the news spread."

Ooh, does that mean I can post the cute picture I have of myself in your hoodie?" You turned to your boyfriend, who chuckled in response. "Not the best way to announce this," he said, patting your head, and you fake pouted. "Let’s discuss the reveal when you get better ideas; we need to do a lot more."

And so the meeting ended happily, just as you wanted it to. Jungwon and you walked out of the room, and he pulled you into a big hug again. "The explanation why you wanted to go public was so cute. God, I really do love you," you smirked, looking up at him while you were squished between his arms and chest. He gave you a quick peck, and you two had to leave to do your own work for the day.

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

Taglist:

@harperwasstaken @strwberrydinosaur @letapostropheesgo @yngwife @chogolei @ddeonmixx @j-wyoung @xiaoderrrr @vivibelov3d @ablackbtsstan @chaechae-23 @vizstars @tlnyjoong @ahnneyong @deobitifull @jungwonnieee @yumilovesloona @ikeu4life @nyxtwixx @s02zjy @choclate32 @soobiverse @maimoirs @gigi-honeyjaes @kimiplx @jakeify @sullkyoons2 @hoonieluv @minnesueng @luvmura

[voidcat]

Danyl P, G, and B for the selfship thing! <3 maybe with oikawa and togame? your choice rlly tho I'd love to hear about any of them!

aaaaah these r so cute i couldnt pick one ;w; so here we go with both of the bastards (affectionate) i love them perhaps.... edit: why did this get so long.............. crying T-T

B - Bashful what’s something one finds embarrassing about themselves but the other finds adorable?

hmm... when i get emotional or laugh too much i get all red- like a tomato... there's even a video of it and i HATE it but tooru just.... cups my cheeks instead and squeezes my face ykno, then tryng to muster up something sappy about how tomatoes are his favorite vegetable (i burst his bubble with a 'tomatoes are fruit, idiot' he pouts and refuses to let go of his hold until ive coddled him...)

not embarrassing directly but i can be very anxious and this results over me tripping over my words, saying everything wrong into a jungled mess, like combining three words at once and doing so with no control over my volume........ instead jo just chuckles and pulls me with one arm to his chest, pressing a kiss to my head and saying i'm adorable... it helps but still won't undo the moment of embarrassment if i did it in a formal or first-time meeting T-T he says it adds to my charm-_-

G - Greetings what was their first meeting like?

with oikawa it was chaos to say the least... we had all the connections all the mutual friends but just refused to acknowledge one another (if someone is petty i return the pettiness back and oh boy do we enable one another a lot...) so interactions were often iwa centered, with tooru not so gracefully trying to get his friend's attention back on him. and attention he did get... in all the wrong forms of mattsun and makki acquiring an ally in their endless teasings and bullying of one certain oikawa tooru. he always whined, looking at iwa for backup... needless to say it didn't work. we just hit it off unexpectadly one evening while both waiting for the train to arrive, end up talking for hours and almost missing the last train home... i still bully his ass though<3 gotta humble the man

with togame it was a little awkward for me, and shy for both parties. i had seen him around town before few times ofc but those would either be quick run-ins or, if there were any other shishitoren members around i'd just quickly walk away and ignore their calls the whole time (walking fast but slow enough to hear him order them to cut it off and leave me be^-^) it is stealing glances back and forth like that, and me snapping one time "what're you looking at" (it was late and i had a bad exam...) then timeskip to after the shishitoren vs bofurin and we properly meet at kotoha's. by then him and choji are more accustomated with bofurin and joined them on outings few times (as par with umemiya's invitation to keep relations between both teams pleasant) and i was around the area to drop of some vegetable seeds to ume and try a recipe with kotoha... it was awkward because i was more or less friendly with everyone, engaging in conversation and all... then he'd speak up, and i'd just: brain.exe has stopped working, initiating acting like a human mode. sudden switch in my behavior give togame quite the fright and became quite the card for tsubaki and others to pick up on me later on... (turns out blurting out a random scientific fact is NOT appropirate convo starter when you havent introduced yourself) togame still teases me about how "he knocked the wind off my lungs and left me speechless" no dumbass i just didn't expect to see you there!!!! i was caught offguard ok!!!! T-T

P - Phone how often do they talk to each other on the phone or other means of communication?

its back and forth message spamming with tooru... we are relentless.. he fears my whatsapp sticker collection because i always hit him with new ones (he claims 'thats hot'- and i hit him back with 'wrong answer. everything i do is hot) so it's just video and regular calls whenever we can and spamtexting at any chance. he'll see a tweet of two snails snuggling and send it with the caption "us" he is gross...

with jo we go for phonecalls- which is unironically my preference of communication. usually we pick times that gives us lots of time to talk, just chat the day away but we often have late night calls as well- those last for 3+ hours out of our control... he still only reads texts but i got him to leave a heart reaction at my love expressing messages! when i send an image, if it's urgent i wait for for a 20 second period then call but in other cases depending on the context he calls me. (cat photos he just leaves on read and maybe makes a comment on during a call, aftershower pics? he immediately calls... he can sense when the image ive sent is going to be something like that, his intuition is scary sometimes)

self shipping alphabet!

[blackjack-15]

next ep next ep

syd alone in the bear, wearing white and blue. carmy anxious in his apartment, decked out in Mikey Blue...this is gonna be an interesting episode huh

ah. claire's here. joy of joys. i knew they slept/were sleeping together, and hey we didn't have to see it! i'm 2 for 2 on predictions and my dinner will stay in my stomach

"i'm sorry, I..." "never, ever apologize" girl you made him apologize about the fake number thing multiple times. you should not be saying that. absolutely nauseating

"i just want you to know that this is really nice." has carmy been watching classic films to try to find romantic lines?

and he's still waiting for the other shoe

there is a huge part of carmy -- prolly the biggest part of carmy -- that thinks if something is not awful and painful, that it's just waiting for the awful and painful part to come. and since this isn't for anyone but the viewer, he can't even enjoy it. i'm v much a fan of the fact that they're not even pretending that being in a relationship is a cure for what's wrong with a person, or their disordered thinking, or anything like that.

this is probably just the actress' delivery and my own distaste for her delivery, but the "you achieve level 2!! you've done it!!" sounds really sarcastic and bitchy. like she generally has kind of a bitchy delivery (and has weird dialogue like i've mentioned before), but like...don't talk to your quasi-boyfriend like he's a five-year old? this is a critical test that they've failed twice? i'm prolly nitpicking but this is my liveblog! i get to nitpick!

it's nice that no real story nor character stuff happens when claire's around. saves me time when i rewatch.

well this is nauseating. lads, if you're explaining part of your work and stop to be like "is this super boring" and the person kinda says yes? maybe just cut away next time. tell me they talked. give me the cliff's notes. tell the actress that her eyebrow on the viewer's right side is really bugging me in close up shots.

EBRA YOU'RE BACK

this is a talk a long time coming and i'm so happy with it. running the window is the perfect job for him and i think it'll make him happy. and he'll be back with the team!!

good, carmy's in a (green! one of syd's colors!) sweater, he and syd are finish each other's sentences, and they're on the same page. this is beautiful, i've been missing this. thank you.

seriously i'm not over that scene. it's so refreshing to have those two back communicating, and they're doing it so effortlessly. when it's the two of them alone talking, nothing immediately yelling at them, they're magical.

the pepto handoff was brilliant. the bear is a comedy

this convo with richie is great too. so nice to have carmy back among the crew. that's the magic of the show right there. everyone scattered to the four winds for training, and now everyone's coming back together

[teethpaste]

my hearts gonna fucking split open when I finally get back to the states

I’ve been living in an alternate universe in Ireland for literally 31 days - half working (weird east coast hours at that - 2 - 10 pm) visiting my grandma every day, going to my uncles and playing with his newborn baby, going out to lunch with my ma and sister, walking home after every meal and hitting 20k steps per day, going to the pub or to friends houses each night for cards and a pint (sometimes 6). Life is simpler here. I feel full of love even though the joy is sharing a room with grief. What a time they can have housed in the same body.

I know after this weekend in Atlanta - where I’m alone, high, going out Saturday night with friends .. the grief is going to hit, and it’s going to hit hard. I’m going to miss my dad. And my grandma. And my dear friend moving to Canada. And my work project will kick off and feel like it’s swallowing me whole. And the weight of every bad thing that’s ever happened to me will just hang over me, like a fucking cloud. You’d think if I know I can see it coming, why can’t I prevent it?? I wish I knew

I’m not ready to go home

My grandma has pulled thru in a sheer absolute miracle. Doctors gave her two weeks max and here she is. Just kicking it with one collapsed lung, the working lung riddled with copd and cancer. After the two extra weeks I’ve been here, they finally lowered her oxygen. I can tell she is so scared. She won’t admit it. But she had her back turned to me today while I was brushing her hair and I could see her back and sides heaving in and out - struggling to breathe even while sitting still. She kept saying she feels hyper and when I kept prodding if she meant anxious, she finally admitted yes. I got the nurse to bring her Xanax to calm her nerves. She and my sister asked me to stay longer but I can’t. I’ve already been gone a month. It hurts me that I can’t stay and knowing that when I leave, this will very well likely be the last time I see her. I’m not ready for a world without her in it. It was different with my dad - by the time we realized he was in liver failure it was too late. I never got to have any “normal” last conversations with him. Everything I said to him in person, he was fucking out of it in full on sepsis - eyes dating around the room. He couldn’t respond to anything I was saying. The goodbyes and I love yous were one sided. But with my grandma - she knows what’s coming and how quickly it could be here. It’s been so strange and different visiting like old times sake - knowing these convos may be the last where she’s still normal self.

And I’m so used to having my alone time in Atlanta, but I’m not ready for that either. Like I’m so excited to see my people, and FaceTime those I love, and get back into routine. But it’s going to feel weird. In the grand scheme I know a month isn’t a long time to be away, but it sure feels like it right now.

[amaranthsynthesis]

OK- you killed me with the "For everyone else, fucking with the collar is a very quick way to lose use of that limb, and also their lungs and heart and blood flow.". Because, like, this BEGS the question: how's Astarion react to the collars? Does he ever get to play with it? Where does their dynamic work on the attack dog missing a master thing?

Ohhhhhh man I should really do a full fic about this shouldn't I? Sticking it on the idea list, which is messy and long and, yes, does include 'a whole ass comic' about insomniac gortash lmao

But i think the collar doesn't show up until Astarion and Ballard are already fucking. So the dynamic of that is somewhat established, albeit a bit confused. On the one hand, Astarion watched Ballard let some random in the goblin camp beat him to a quarter health and moan about it. On the other, he took charge of their hookup with remarkable aplomb. So he can’t quite peg if Ballard is a top or not, which means he isn’t quite sure how to play it, and most of their encounters have been contentious snark-offs that end up mostly cheerful wrestling matches for control.

All this is to say that when Astarion spots the collar (bc of course he does, the hyper vigilant anxious wreck that he is) and has kind of NO idea how to work this into his understanding of the situation. I’m not sure how it goes the first time, if he tries to push that button and gets his ass firmly kicked for it, or if he ignores it long enough that he can no longer comment on it.

Up until the conversation in Act 2 after meeting Araj Oblodra, the hookups are so casual that Ballard wouldn’t think of letting him yank him around by it. And of course, shortly after that convo, they end up setting aside the actual hookups in favor of talking emotions. So while I think Astarion (and Halsin, even, though I don’t know that he’s particularly want to take it himself) -definitely has the potential to get to take the leash, it probably doesn’t happen until after they meet Gortash at the coronation.

[paperstorm]

This is gonna be absolute word vomit so please feel free to ignore- but I saw the ask about missing moments for Tarlos being drugged and I have SO MANY THOUGHTS related to this. Like - missing moments is one of my FAVORITE series b/c of how much you focus on Carlos’ mental health/anxiety. The show does NOT let that man deal with his issues lol - I feel like they are always just side stepped, which feels weird because they do a good job showing TK and his own mental illness and actively show how he deals with it (therapy, grief group, meetings, cooper) No one has sent poor carlos to therapy or put him in a support group and THEY NEED TO lol.

What support systems does he have in place besides TK? Does he talk to Paul? Or other friends? I feel like family is obviously off the table, so WHO? I think we all know the answer is probably no one - people always have to come to him when he’s having trouble/needs to have a big convo (my poor anxious avoidant baby, it’s so relatable lol) but I think season three and his reaction to Cooper in particular can be read as Carlos having a problem accepting TK needs help besides him because he has no experience in what it’s like to have someone else. The first person (that he didn’t grow up with, like Michelle) who doesn’t leave him floundering to work through stuff on his own is TK! And I think he’s like SO GLAD to finally have someone whose supporting him at all, and it’s so new that if feels like enough. And poor guy thinks he’s doing fine, and that TK is enough for him so why isn’t he enough for TK? And I would just LOVE for someone to say to him “hey you know YOU ALSO NEED MORE” and like for him to understand that healthy relationships don’t mean being 100% of what a person needs. And that he could be getting more too, from people outside of TK.

And I just think you have set up a way to explore that perfectly in missing moments. Because Carlos’s reaction to Cooper in 3x13 threw me off at first, but now I just need someone to acknowledge that maybe it wasn’t about TK needing his help. Maybe he desperately DESPERATELY needs some help himself because he FAILED AGAIN at protecting the person he loves, and how his home was once again violated, and how he’s not good enough, etc. all the stuff you’ve done such a good job of exploring already. But he has no one to ask, because TK is the only person he has ever willingly gone to when he is not okay but TK is floundering so he CANT ask for him to help. His reaction to cooper I think is very much about THAT. Not about how TK needs someone else and that makes him insecure but about how Carlos needs support at that moment but he feels like he can’t ask TK and TK is too busy keeping his head above water to catch on like he usually would. So Carlos throws himself at TKs problems to try and have some semblance of control and prove he can be good and helpful and get TK through this. And then maybe he can ask for help after. Except it doesn’t work - because TK doesn’t need him for this and it makes him feel adrift and takes away the one part of the situation that he thought he could research and learn about and take care of. And TK isn’t even coming home for dinner so that part of taking care of him is gone too. And if he can’t even take care of TK, then how can he feel comfortable enough to ask TK to take care of him??? And like - idk I just have so so SO many feelings about that episode in general and specifically how it relates to how you write Carlos and them as a couple. The writers could have done that arc alone for a season with the amount of potential it had.

Hi and thank you so much for the word vomit I adore it 😍 The show doesn't really let most of the characters deal with their problems lol, they don't really have time to send every one of their traumatized asses to therapy. So yeah, I think the true answer to the question 'who is Carlos's support system other than TK' is no one. I like the idea that he talks to Paul or Marjan sometimes because I feel like they would have a lot in common and really be able to relate to each other's experiences (queer men of colour trying to navigate how to be masculine in a non-toxic way and exist in a space where racism is sometimes rampant but ignored by white queers etc, and with Marj the fact that they both come from religious families who subscribe at least in part to traditional old-world cultures that don't always leave a lot of room for people to live outside the accepted norms). But that's a headcanon, we don't explicitly see either of those things being true in canon. I get the feeling that Carlos talked to Iris, while he still could, but then once she was gone he spent a lot of years like a shaken up bottle of Coke, swelling and fizzing but never actually bursting because the lid was on too tight. And then in swept Hurricane TK with his big emotions and his massive heart and his being raised by two parents who talk about things in ways that Carlos's never did, and he gave permission for Carlos to actually feel his feelings for the first time in maybe his whole life and little by little Carlos is getting better at that, but I don't think he feels safe doing it with anyone but TK. And I don't know that he ever will, which is not necessarily a terrible thing, it just is who he is.

I like your analysis of the Cooper situation!! I think that's definitely part of it for sure, feeling like he needs help navigating this situation but the one person he would ask for help is the one person he can't ask. I also think our lovely Carlos is - both because he's an acts of service person and also because of his learned coping mechanisms - someone who equates his worth as a person with whether he's able to be everything that TK needs. Think about his reactions in the past, to blaming himself for the fire because he didn't have an extinguisher in the bedroom, to blaming himself for TK being on a plane that almost crashed because he booked the tickets. If he can't easily fulfil every one of TK's needs and keep him safe and happy in all situations, he spirals, because he has linked his value as a human with his ability to do those things. And when TK has a need that he decides CArlos can't fill and reaches for another man, Carlos's sensitive heart just doesn't know what to do with that because of what he feels it says about him. It's all so interesting, for a silly wee-woo show they really do character intricacies quite well!

[badassxbirdy]

January Activity Update (Pinned Post)

It’s time once again for an activity update! If you’re new here: these posts help me to keep track of what the frick I’ve been doing, particularly when tumblr breaks or the brainfog strikes. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to do a full monthly update, so this one includes posts and drafts for October, November, and December. Everything else can be found in previous monthly updates under this tag. There’s also the full thread tracker here.

The full activity update (along with OOC house keeping) is below the cut. Bold text = links.

If you want to see all IC interactions without the other stuff, click here. If you’d like to start something new, there are opens and memes, or you can just hit up the DM’s. You can also add Ty on Wire for IC texting.

Now onto the update!

Housekeeping:

A couple of little tweaks have been made to the guidelines page. Nothing huge, mainly just an update on formatting in threads and fc’s.

Ty’s Wire is now working again! 🥳 If you didn’t get a reply last time you messaged her, please resend your message. Or just send her a new one/start a new convo if you’d rather. I also have regained access to the discord account. Same username as here so feel free to add me, just let me know who you are if you do. I only log in when I’m here actively working on drafts, so you may still prefer to use the DM’s to chat.

I don’t do this often, but I’m going to be giving my inbox a bit of a reset by deleting most of the unanswered memes. Even though those ones aren’t being posted, thank you for sending them!

I’m getting notifications for old reblogs and things I was tagged in a month ago, a few even longer ago than that. Some are repeated ones that I saw in my activity feed when they were first posted, but some are brand new to me so I’m very confused rn.

In a similar vein, it’s currently hit or miss as to whether I get a notification for being tagged in a post. It also doesn’t always show up in my actual tracked tag. With that being the case, If there is something I haven’t replied to that is not listed in this post, please let me know.

Still in the process of changing up my medication. We’re taking it slowly as I’m coming off one that is notoriously a pain in the neck for withdrawal symptoms. It’s been absolutely kicking my arse, so if I’m slow to respond to ooc messages, please do not feel ignored. I will answer when my brain is not making dialup noises. Thread replies will happen when they happen. I’m trying to put less pressure on myself, but as an anxious human and chronic people pleaser it’s a struggle. 😂

Threads, replies, and other IC interactions:

(In alphabetical order by username.)

@astormymind

Library ghost hunting with Finn (drafted)

@beastbitten

Extreme awkwardness. 😂 (link)

@demcnsinmymind

At the motel (link)

Azzy proved a point (link)

Taking Lance on a hunt (link)

Doing Lance’s hair! 😭 (link)

Mischief at the bar (link)

Car trouble (drafted)

An unwanted visitor, and Ty finds out the boy has powers! 👀 (queued)

@demonstigma

A weird conversation (queued)

@derschwarzeengel

Tyler is not sick. Definitely not. (link)

Damon? Talking about his trauma? It seems miracles do happen. (queued)

Ty finds Vampire!Damon (queued)

Roasting 50 shades (drafted)

“She’s a ghost AND a bitch!” (drafted)

@destroyerscved

“How did you find me?” (link) Sorry for the repost!

Magic bean juice (queued)

@discipulusmaleficus

Abandoned house (drafted)

@hellomynameisfuckyou

A tackle hug for Damsel (link)

@hvbris

A questionable attempt to cheer up Olive (link)

An appointment with Dr Soliman (link)

Meeting the captain (link)

Ty is confused by Wednesday (drafted. Sorry this one slipped through the cracks for so long!)

@imprvdente

Birthday fun (link)

At the motel with FBI!Fish (drafted)

@innerwar

Ty rescues Damon (link)

Being grumpy at Homelander (link)

Babysitting Jude/the Doc (drafted)

Bad jokes with Charm (queued. Sorry this one slipped through the cracks for so long!)

@kxllerblond

“You owe me a dinner. A very nice dinner.” (link)

@loyaltyguided

Birthday cuteness! (link)

@loyaltylanced

“Destiny can’t be changed.” (link)

@magaprima

Demon problems (queued)

Demon problems part 2: electric boogaloo (link)

@nightiingaled

KilliTy cuteness! (link)

Even more KilliTy cuteness! (link)

@tmrrwppl

I just couldn’t resist okay. Don’t question it. 😂 (link)

@vyrulent

Tyler meets Orobus Jones! (drafted)

Headcanon, dash games, and assorted silliness:

ELEVEN YEARS. ❤️ (link)

“Nothing to steal” (link)

Wanted poster dash game (link)

Damon’s birthday gift (link)

Say My Name drabble by Bramble! (link)

Pinterest dash game (link)

Ty’s Christmas mischief! (link)

I think that’s everything! As always: please let me know if I’ve missed something. I never intentionally drop threads without notifying, rest assured that if it’s not here I am either having a brain fart or I simply have not seen it. Remember to be kind to yourselves, and stay safe! ❤️ — Em

[myfriendofmiseryyy]

Frankie's girl: a Frankie Morales x plus sized oc story.

MINORS DNI. PART ONE MENTONS OF PTSD.PAST ABUSE. PAST SMUT (she is Frankie's old best friend) war, insecurities. suggestive convos. drug abuse, Frankie deserving better

summery: Frankie has just returned from his 10 year deployment in Iraq, he left behind his old high school friend Daisy who he had always secretly liked, could he make it work with them?

Daisys pov

Daisy waits at the airport for Frankie and Santi, her two oldest friends, they have been gone on and off for around 10 years now in the delta force. they have been based all over the Middle East but most recently Iraq. Frankie has always been her best friend, they even hooked up in their early 20s, Frankie being the person to take her virginity when she was 21.

she is snapped out of her daydream by a tired looking Frankie and Santi coming through arrivals. "Frankie,santi!!" she calls out.

Frankie's pov:

He could tell that voice from anywhere,his Daisy,his oldest friend apart from Santi, his "hermosa" as he always called her a teenager.

he quickly walks though arrivals and finds her, he could spot her in a sea of a million people. she was always so beautiful. her chestnut brown hair which always had ringlocks, her curvaceous body which she always hated but Frankie found the most attrative thing ever, her smile that lit up any room she went into.

Frankies immediately wraps daisy In the biggest hug. "I've missed you so much" he says trying to hold back tears. "I've missed you too Frankie" she says sofly.

DAISYS r pov: as soon as Frankie comes into view it's like you are 15 again, he is still just as handsome as before, if not even more handsome. his angler nose and deep brown eyes are now joined by a slightly Aged face with a look of sadness, you always hated seeing Frankie sad but now you are just happy to see him alive and well. when he hugs you its like all the wieght and sadness of the past ten years had disappeared you had your Frankie back.

TWO WEEKS LATER.

DAISYS POV...

You are watching tv after a long day when there is a sudden knock on the door, “it’s 10pm who is knocking at my door at 10pm” you honestly feel anxious and your guard is completely up,the reality of being a woman in society. You look through the peephole to see a very sad and possibly drunk Frankie,you last saw him yesterday and he seemed very on edge but didn’t speak about it. You open the door and he nearly falls through it,he is most definitely drunk. “Hermosa” he slurs “Frankie,you’re freezing” it’s around 5 degrees outside and is out there in a tshirt. “Wtf” you hiss at him. “I’m sorry cariño,your place was the only place I thought of” “of course” you think to yourself.

“Stay here,I’ll go get you some clean clothes.” Frankie slumps down on the sofa and groans,he didn’t want you to see him like this. Weak,drunk,and sad. He is a shell of the man he once was,his brain constantly replaying the horrors that he been through the last 8 years. He puts his hands over his face and sighs.

“Here” you say softly, “bathroom is on the right”

Frankie stumbles to his feet and you help him to the bathroom where you wait outside for him,not fully trusting him alone. “You ok in there ciso?” You use the nickname you always called him as kids,you met in 7th grade and were best friends for 10 years and then Frankie wrote to you every single month. “Uh huh” Frankie says quietly. When he returns from the bathroom you’ve already got a blanket and pillow from your bedroom “I’ve got the sofa ok? You’ve got the bed,you need it” you softly say and smile at him. “Hermosa,you don’t have to give up your bed for me. I come into your house drunk and soaking wet and you give me clean clothes,medicine and then give up your own bed for me... I'm a junkie daisy the last two years ive been abusing coke" Frankie chokes back tears. “Look at me frankie,you have been my best friend since I was 12 years old,you always took care of me through everything. Now it’s my turn to take care of you ok,I can see how much you are struggling right now sweetheart, I know about the drugs, Santi told me its not your fault I am going to get you into rehab as soon as you feel strong enough until then ,just let me take care of you ok?” He pulls you into a hug,although he smells like cheap beer there is still an element of your Frankie,a musky smell that has always been Frankie. You rub his back softly and kiss his forehead. “We will talk tomorrow I promise” Frankie says sleeply”

“Get some sleep cariño” you say.

Frankie’s pov:

“I can’t do this anymore” Frankie thinks to himself after his forth beer he takes one big swig of water then stumbles outside to walk to her place. His mind is a minefield (quite literally) and his breathing is laboured. He stops for a moment to look at the mess he had become,the beer,the coke no wonder no one wants him. Its become a coping mechanism,the drugs the alcohol,now he’s back home,this isn’t training camp anymore this isn’t the trenches either,or a empty helicopter bay he can drown himself in coke in. He’s home,in his hometown. You’re here and he wants to make things right again…”like turning up at her house unannounced at 10pm high of my tits will help” he mutters to himself as he comes to your street. He meant to knock on your door quietly but he ends up being very heavy handed with it, and nearly falling through the door when you open it. he is soaking wet and freezing "mi hermosa" Frankie slurs, "wtf" you hiss at him as he stumbles into your house "I'm sorry carino your place was the only place I could think of." he can see right through you, he can see that you are confused and angry and he doesnt blame you, he would be too. "ill get you some clean clothes,you stay here ok" you say softly, Frankie slumps on to the sofa and puts his head in his hands, "I've really fucked up" he says to himself.

'here" you say handing him the soft warm clothes, "bathroom is on the right, ill be here if you need anything"

Frankie sleepily gets up and goes to the bathroom to put the fresh clothes on, the smell like you, the soft linen smell mixed with the faint smell of your perfume the you haven't had the heart to change since you were a teenager. Frankie inhales it as he puts the sweater over his head, he loves the fact your clothes are oversized on him, you were always so embarrassed as a teenager saying it should be the other way around but Frankie had none of it, he insisted that you were beautiful and shouldn't change for anyone. he is snapped out of his daydream by you shouting if he was ok, you used his nickname "Cisco" which gave him goosebumps, no one has ever called him that apart from you, he is either "catfish" or "Francisco" to everyone else

"uh huh" he says back quietly before opening the door to see you've made a make shift bed for him on the couch which he smiles at. "here, have some water and medicine, it shoukd make you sober up quicker. also you take the bed ill take the couch, you need it."

"hermosa you don't have to give up your own bed for me, I've turned up to your house unannounced and you give me clean clothes medicine and a bed? I don't deserve any of this, the last two years have been hell, I'm addicted to coke daisy, I don't deserve a friend like you"

" look Frankie you have been my best friend since I was 12, you've helped me through such tough times now its my turn to take care of you, I know about the coke, Santi told me. I am going to be there every single step of the way I promise, I will get you into rehab when you are ready but until then I'm taking care of you ok?

Frankie is overwhemed with emotion and the only thing he can do is pull you into the tightest hug. he feels you rub his back softly, he wants to break down there and then but he knows he cant. " we will talk tomorrow I promise" he says into your hair.

[ocean-anchored]

October 6, 2023 continued...

So he's been telling me that he probably isn't going to make it home for my birthday which I've been trying to prepare for. With little hope, I know anything can happen but I guess the more we've talked it's sounded like he might still be back sometime on my birthday so there's a chance I'll still get to see him. This week he's been saying how as soon as he's unloaded he's going to rip back and drive as many hours as he's able to try to get back ASAP. Yesterday while on FT, Rick was talking about how on Saturday they should park and drive an hour to go watch a football game which obviously, I don't want to be a downer and I'd never tell him no but my anxious brain has been spiraling that if he does go and it specifically carves into taking a day or afternoon of his drive time that he's going to miss even being back on my birthday I already have started to feel offended and sad that I'm not a priority or important enough to try to make it back in time. It's stupid, I know but I can't help but feel that. He had talked about Rick and his weird convo with him about his open relationship which just causes me more anxiety that any time he's spending with Rick outside of driving and work now makes me wonder what's going on or what he's going to try to do or get Zack into. Last night I took Nova out and when I came back and Ft'd with Zack he got a bit triggered or upset that I went for a drink alone with Nova. It was fine, he handled the situation good and we talked about it but it was just tough. I totally understand and validate his anxiety or worry about Cody being single now and that he's been gone for a while, I get it. I would absolutely feel the same way if I was in his position, I wasn't mad or upset about that. I just tried everything to reassure him. It's hard when he's gone, like he says words don't mean anything and can be fake and he's not accusing me but he got triggered being away for so long. I just feel like I tried to remind him how much I love him and dismantle any anxieties he might have and over express how he doesn't need to worry and his response was just "ok" and "i feel better thanks" and that he needed to go to bed. Which again, I get that it was 10PM for him but man I just felt like shit last night. I just don't feel like its enough. I feel like nothing I say is enough and he talks about how actions are everything, fine, I 110% agree but how have my actions shown anything but complete honesty and loyalty? & then meanwhile I'm here worrying that he might rather go to a football game instead of trying to come back to spend time with my on my birthday. I just feel like sometimes I keep putting my whole being into this relationship for him to be like ya well I still worry and he doesn't have to give his half. Idk. Maybe I'm just speaking way too soon and maybe he does come back on my birthday and maybe he does try to make it special but I'm trying not to have any hopes or expectations because I don't want to be let down. Then this morning he texted apologizing for how he acted last night and that he was tired so he shouldn't have brought it up. Then we finally FT'd for a moment but I could still feel him on edge with work so we barley said anything. It's just hard. Maybe I just continue to ask too much from a partner. Idk. I just wish that he would make this important or want to make this special. Who knows. I guess well see how this weekend goes and maybe everything I'm saying is all just bogus. Or maybe it's valid idk.

[destinyc1020]

phone addiction is real and normalized and i haaaate it. i feel like so many of us are on some level addicted to screens, and i just absolutely hate the feeling of it. like i love coming on here, seeing content, catching up, but when i'm away too long i honestly get really restless and feel like i 'have' to check to see whats up in the entertainment world. i've been working on this for years, too, trying to figure out ways to just chill and maybe log off of things for a few days, but i struggle to even manage that. what i want is just a nice balance of checking up on fandom stuff casually, not feeling like i need to do it or that i'm missing something if i'm away for a few days. it's baaad!! and then you go out and see people glued to their screens in restaurants, with their kids, in every situation possible. theres so many advantages to phones but i feel like their disadvantages aren't talked about enough. i love how tom has spoken up about stepping back from checking social media, i hope z for her own health does the same sometimes cause whew,cannot imagine being famous and having social media convo being about myself!

Yea girl....I feel you lol.

I think society has kind of normalized this behavior of "Phubbing" in public also. However, if you look back to old movies, or even old photographs, you'll see images or pictures of people casually enjoying one another's company at a restaurant and giving everyone their full attention.

But if you go out to eat in 2023, and look around a crowded restaurant, you're guaranteed to notice at least more than a few people phubbing the ppl they're with at the same table because they're deep into their phones. I've even seen a group of friends (not mine) all at the same table, and EVERY SINGLE ONE of them had their heads bent into their phones.... nobody talking to each other... 😑

I'm like, what's the point in even going out as a group of friends if all you're going to be doing is ignoring each other the entire night? Rofl 😆 🤣

Anyway, I totally agree with what Tom says about giving yourself a BREAK from social media, and just your devices in general!!🥰 That's just wise advice imo. 🤷🏾‍♀️

I know it sounds super crazy, but I guarantee you that if you were to delete all of your social media apps from your phone and stay away from them for two weeks, you will realize that you feel SO MUCH BETTER, and your addiction will subside. 😊

***You are addicted BECAUSE you keep going on these sites lol. If you stay away from them, the less you will be addicted, believe me. 💯

It will be tough, but that's why it's called an ADDICTION. That's classic addiction symptoms if you can't stop doing smthg, or you feel anxious or uneasy when you remove the addiction from your life.

However, it DOES get easier with every passing day that you don't give in to your addiction.

You're only feeding your addiction the more you go on it and can't stay stay away from it for many days.

Just like Tom noticed that he had a problem with alcohol and started to stay away from it, you can find (just like he did) that it gets easier the longer you stay away from it! 😊 The first step however is (as you've already done) recognizing that you have an addiction.

I know for me personally, I stop craving it when I get off of even Tumblr for a few days lol 😆 I highly recommend it. I also think that a lot of fans will STOP feeling so anxious about Tomdaya every two seconds when you're not following their every move every second of the day. 👀🤷🏾‍♀️

I'm telling you, NOT being addicted to your phone is a wonderful thing! 😊

You can even try a "Living in the 90s" Challenge by driving someplace close to home (maybe the grocery store or smthg) and actually *gasp*! leaving your cellphone at HOME!! 😳🤯😲

I'm getting anxiety just even thinking about doing that rofl 🤣, but I've actually contemplated doing that just as a challenge for myself to see if I can actually do it, and not break out in a cold sweat wondering where my phone is, what I'm missing, or whether someone has tried to reach me at some point lol 😅

I think what we will find when/if we do this, however, is that we're way more PRESENT in our lives, we make more conversations with ppl in public, and we will probably notice so many more things in our life when we leave the phone at home, or just leave it in our purse. 🤷🏾‍♀️

[starwberycow]

Man why can’t I have the fucking cartoon high schooler dream. It seems so fun like vandalising shit, gunning around a forest and doing something dangerous and saying some corny shit like “what would I do without you guys” or “your like the family I never had/always needed” . Like why is it so hard to be a semi confident teen that people like and only kinda judge for silly things rather than the things I’m interested in.

Every time I watch a show with teens I just get a reality check of, omg you have no confidence hate yourself, let’s no even get into your family issues, I’m anxious and paranoid for no reason and I have such little motivation that I would rather sit in my bed and waste away only to get out for my dogs. My brother has more of a social life than I do more friends he can be him around other people without planning out whole conversations and bullshit until people like just enough to tolerate me but not want to be my friend.

I want to be confident enough to socialise comfortably. Even with my closest friends I stress and worry that I’ve said something wrong they are going to leave me once I do something wrong. When talking to people I copy what they do. I have a rehearsed plan on how I ask certain teachers for help or how to talk to the school nurse so I don’t seem stupid. Even my own family I do this. I copy expressions my brother says and any form of media they like I copy that. I try to be likes and for people to at least tolerate talking to me.

I also hate no being able to hang out with friends because I stress is much that I’m going to miss stuff. I’ve been away for a week and I feel like I’ve missed months with them and I’m going to come back and they aren’t going to talk to me because I’ve missed shit. And it’s been so much worse because I’ve meet new people (through my 2 friends which agian is sad) and I’m worried because they have been hanging out and I have meet them once because I haven’t been able to go to stuff. I had a panic attack over new years because I didn’t want to miss anything. I was so stressed over people I’ve meet once or twice that I was fully willing to ditch my family.

I feel like a piece of shit because I don’t have a job and have to leach off my mum, I haven’t done my drivers test even tho I’m old enough, I can’t properly talk to people. I get so paranoid that I panic and lie, I hate that all my interest no one I know has any interest and because I struggle to socialise I can’t even talk about stuff online, I over think that people I know will find out and it will be spread around school and it will effect my brother. I mean not even my family knows my interests because every time I go to talk I get shut down by my brother. So instead I don’t talk to anyone cause I’m scared to be shut down. And my parents never seem interested. My mum is never intereted and zones out mid convo and my dad only cares to prove something to my mum but can’t even get me a meaningful gift. Which sound self centred and it is but I just want one gift from him that matters even a fucking apology

Jesus Christ I got side tracked