#eve gave me the idea for this and ive been sitting on it for half a month while i get through current art block slkdfdf

[asterbats]

[wocfics]

A Little Caught Up- V (Finale)

Masterlist

Word Count- 3k

Black reader x OT7

Angst with a hint of fluff

Part I - Part II - Part III - Part IV 

After spending a couple of days in the dorms with the boys and YoungMi (of course Namjoon begging you to stay so he can have quality time with his daughter) you were happy to see that he was forming a bond with her. Like any baby she cried during the night every few hours in which you had to get up and feed her and Namjoon would get up to change her diaper after you showed him how to do it multiple times and to your surprise, he was actually pretty good at it. You couldn’t lie to yourself, it was weird, all of it was, having a baby by Kim Namjoon of BTS and sleeping in the same room as him even though he said he’d sleep on the floor if you made you more comfortable but you opted for the couch after cleaning the living room area. The boys didn’t mind either, they all grew to love YoungMi and were content with staring at her even when she was asleep because she was adorable. You and Namjoon didn't talk much unless it had to do with the baby, which was also awkward at times. You weren’t gonna lie, it sucked not actually being in a relationship with the father of your child but you also knew the position he was in with even having a child. Of course it bothers you that you two were so careless that night but you would never regret your baby girl. She was everything and more you could’ve ever wanted. She was perfect. 

Folding up your blanket, or rather Namjoon’s blanket that he let you borrow and grabbing the pillow he gave to you, you carried everything into his room and set it on the end of the bed as you did every morning. You were sure to be quiet since everyone was still asleep. Scooping up MiMi from her slumber, carefully, you carried her out of the room and into the kitchen area to feed her a cereal bottle while preparing yourself something to eat. Sitting at the kitchen table, you looked down at her as she stared back up at you with her deep set eyes, sucking away on the bottle. You smirked and kissed her forehead and quickly glanced up when you heard shuffling footsteps coming towards the kitchen. Namjoon trudged towards the counter and began setting up the coffee pot which meant everyone else would be up soon. You two stared at each other for a few seconds before he leaned down in front of you to kiss MiMi on the forehead and then sat in the chair across from you and rubbed his eyes while yawning. You never knew what to say in these moments since you were staying there. What could you say? Sorry for getting pregnant with your child and not talking to you even though you ghosted me and now I’m here in South Korea wanting you to meet her now? 

He broke the silence first with a heavy sigh and cleared his throat. “Good morning...did you sleep okay?” He asked. It was the first question he’s asked that didn’t have to do with the baby. You nodded and looked down, removing the bottle and placing your daughter on your shoulder and began patting her back. “I slept fine. Thanks.” You mumbled. He then stood up and grabbed two coffee mugs and filled them with coffee from the pot once it was done and glanced over his shoulder at you. “Sugar? Cream?” He asked. “Two scoops of sugar and a little bit of cream. Thanks.” You replied and once MiMi burped, you carried her into the living room and laid her down on the couch since she slept for a little longer after her morning bottle. Walking back into the kitchen while fixing the pineapple of hair on top of your head, you grabbed the mug from him and sat back down at the table, taking a sip and began making yourself a bowl of cereal. “I wanted to talk to you actually, Y/N, about coming with me somewhere today with the baby. It’s important actually.” He blurted out. Where did he want to go with you today? They all had to go to the studio for rehearsals since their comeback was a few months away. “Where are we going?” You asked, taking a few scoops of cereal and shoveling it into your mouth. He placed his hands on the table, folding them together. “I’ve spoken to Bang PD about the situation going on and he wants to meet with us, both of us to figure out the best solution for all of us. I know I haven’t been too welcoming the past few days but I do hope you’ll come please.” He explained. You knew that was coming but today?! 

After cleaning up and changing Mi into an outfit and feeding her again, you managed to shower and get dressed in half an hour, fluffing out your curls and checking over your outfit which consisted of a white shirt, blue jeans and red Converse. Y/N placed Mi into her carseat while Namjoon was getting ready in his room now. So many things were going through your mind about what could happen at this meeting. What if he didn’t like you? What if Mr. Bang made you go back home with YoungMi and tries to pay you off without ever getting in contact with Namjoon or any of the boys again? Rubbing your lips together, you sighed and looked down at your daughter. Only 3 months old and having no idea of what’s going on in the world at all. She needed to know her father and the people around him. You couldn’t and you wouldn’t take that from her ever. 

The boys were quickly making their way out into the living room, late for practice and rushing to the front door to slip on their sneakers. Each one waved to you or said bye and you waved back. Jimin on the other hand, quickly ran over to you and wrapped an arm around your shoulder. “Don’t worry. Everything will be okay. Okay?” He smiled and you couldn’t help but return the smile and nodded. “Okay. Go, you’re gonna be late.” He nudged him and watched him leave the dorm. As the door closed, Namjoon made his way out of the room, wearing a black tracksuit that was oversized and a black baseball cap to match. You’d be lying if you said he wasn’t attractive right now. His hair was a beautiful blonde color that you wanted to run your fingers through while he spoke to you about his latest deep thoughts. Looking away before he could catch you practically drooling over him, you placed her phone in the diaper bag ang and situated your daughter before pulling the hood over the carseat and placing a blanket over top of it to keep the sunlight out of her eyes. 

“Ready? The driver’s waiting.” Namjoon asked, grabbing the carseat from you and making his way over to the door. You picked up the diaper bag and your purse and quickly followed behind. 

The ride there didn’t take long, since it was in the same building that they held dance practice in. The building was big, one of the biggest you’ve ever seen and you couldn’t help but stare up at it as you made you way inside, discreetly of course. The three of you, plus two guards had to go through the back in case someone saw you and when you walked inside it looked like a typical building except for the word ‘Big Hit’ being on the wall. You managed to tie your hair up into a puff at the top of your head in the car before you made it to the building since the heat was too much, especially for your having your hair in your face. Making your way onto the elevator, the guards long gone, you fiddled with your fingers while stealing glances of Namjoon every once in a while until you made it to the right floor of Bang PD. Now your heart was pumping and fast. Everything was happening so fast. 

His office was big, personalized for him of course with a few plants and pictures of the boys throughout the years on the wall along with the members of TXT as well. “I’ll just set her in the chair between us.” He carefully set the carseat down and removed the blanket and pushed back the hood to reveal a sleeping YoungMi. You smiled down at her and Namjoon watched you until you looked up at him and he looked away, his eyes quickly moving to the door when he heard it open. What the hell do I even say to him? 

He looked exactly like he did on Youtube videos and pictures, friendly and smiling. He smiled at you and all the weight you had on your shoulders lifted and you smiled back, standing up when he outstretched his hand. You quickly bowed your head and introduced yourself. “Please, have a seat. Is this the baby? YoungMi?” He asked, peeking into the carseat and already gushing over her adorable pouty sleeping face. He moved across from the both of you and placed a thick folder on the table, in which your eyes couldn’t move away from. What was in there?

Before he started, the door opened and in came the members one by one, taking a seat at the table as well. They looked just as confused as you did, her eyebrows stitched together before returning to Namjoon who seemed to be sharing the same expression. 

Mr. Bang folded his hands together and sighed heavily. “You all must be wondering why you’re here, but you’re all aware of the situation at hand with Namjoon and Y/N-ssi. We are weeks away from your upcoming performances and this is unfortunately an inconvenience to us all…” His eyes went to Namjoon and he shook his head. “You are the leader of this group and therefore you are to set an example for this men so you all can go down the right path, but you weren’t thinking about that when you made a careless mistake based on lust and a one night stand.” You blankly stared at the table, keeping her fists clenched in your lap as you felt not only insulted but offended in any way possible. Did you have to even listen to this?

Namjoon’s face hardened, his jaw clenched and a distant look in his eyes as he was being scolded. “Your actions have affected this group and if one messes up, the rest have to follow suit which is why I’ve called all of you here. This will be quick and to the point, no arguments, no working things out with what I am going to tell you all. You can talk about it after this meeting is over, everything is already set in stone and I’ve even contacted your families as well.” He began opening the folder and everyone seemed to have leaned in, curious about what was happening now. 

Everything was your fault, you were reckless, you let him blind you and now you were responsible for what was going to happen to the boys and even Namjoon. What if you cost them their careers? What if he sent you back home with YoungMi and made you lose contact with everyone, including her father? What about your career? You had finished an online school of course but when you came here, it was supposed to be for a few weeks before you would go back and start your job as an esthetician. 

He pulled out a form...a wedding certificate and looked between you and Namjoon and it felt like the world stopped shifting. A contract? Namjoon’s eyes looked like they were going to pop out of his head. “I’ve checked your background, Ms. Y/L/N and you’ve accomplished a lot, no criminal history or write ups in America, you live alone as well so this will be easier said than done. You two are to be married, by the end of the week. I will send someone to pack up your things Y/N in your apartment in California and ship them here. Namjoon, you will be moved out of the dorms and there is a residence in which you and Y/N will reside in with your daughter YoungMi as well. This arrangement has been set in stone. I’ve called your family and they are aware of what’s going on. If you want to remain in this company and in this group then you will take this contract and do right by it. This can’t get out to the public unless it is sealed. Do you understand? Namjoon? Y/N?” He asked. 

You didn’t know what to say, but married?! Yeah you and your friends joked about who you would marry in BTS but it was with the intention that it would never actually happen and now it is, under the worst circumstances. Without thinking you wiped your cheek quickly, a tear escaping your eye. You were still young, you didn’t know Namjoon outside of BTS and now you had no choice but to be with him. You couldn’t ruin his life anymore than what it was. What if he had a secret girlfriend? What if you two didn’t get along once you were moved in together? While you pondered this, Mr. Bang spoke to the boys, you couldn’t understand what he was saying but you figured he was explaining the situation and as you looked at each person’s face, you could see the pity in their eyes. There was no way you would even turn to look at Namjoon but you could feel him burning a hole into the side of your face with his glare. Great.

“As for you boys, because of this arranged marriage, each of you will have to follow suit. All for one and one for all, right? In a month’s time, you will have wives, you will all be moved out of the shared dorm and into your own apartments. You’ll all share the same building of course since we can’t risk the exposure. I’m sorry it has to be this way but we will work according to your schedule. You will continue to have your rehearsals and performances, the arrangements will be sent to me along with your wives. If someone has a disagreement then this company will fall with the reputation you have as a group and as people.” You didn’t know what was being said but from the look on the members faces, you knew it wasn’t good. 

He dismissed you all and you blinked rapidly, standing up without saying a word, tears spilling down your cheeks. Their eyes are on you and you could tell, everything was ruined. Grabbing your bag and the diaper bag, you picked up the carseat and quickly made your way out of the room and glanced around, trying to find the nearest exit. You didn’t want to see any of their faces right now. Making your way to the elevator, you walked in and saw them walking out, arguing with each other before Jimin was the one that noticed you and ran to catch the elevator before it closed. He pressed a button and let the door close before turning to face you. 

“This isn’t your fault, you know? Namjoon-ah has to take responsibility too and none of us wanted this for ourselves.” He shifted back and forth on his feet. You couldn’t speak in fear of letting out a sob and he sighed. Once the door opened and revealed a break room, you followed behind him and sat down at the nearest table, placing the carseat on the ground and unstrapping MiMi as she began to wake up, you picked her up and stood up after grabbing a bottle from the diaper bag to feed her. It wasn’t long until you could hear the elevator doors again and Namjoon storming in, everyone else filing in behind as stalked up to you and sighed. 

“We need to talk, now.” His voice was stern, you nodded and before you could say anything, Jimin took the bottle and the baby from you, resuming her feeding while Namjoon, ever so gently, grabbed your wrist and pulled you behind a door and closed it behind him. 

He paced back and forth, before placing his hands in his pockets and turning to look at you. “Is this what you wanted? It’s not what I wanted for myself and I’m sure it’s not something that they wanted and I know part of it is my fault as well. We’re going to go and get everything verified tomorrow morning and when we move in together there will be three bedrooms so..you can have your own room and I’ll have mine. YoungMi will have her own as well, I saw the apartment, it’s big enough so I can still have my space and you can have yours. We won’t sleep in the same room, I have to focus on the comebacks and-” You cut him off. “First of all, no, it’s not what I wanted and before you continue I’m going to explain something to you. You. Will. Not. Blame. Me. For any of this. I don’t like what’s happening either and I know they’ll hate me…” Your voice cracked and you looked away, trying to hold back tears. 

“You have fans and I know how they’ll feel, I’m a fan too and I don’t know how this is going to go or when it will all be out for everyone to know, the only thing I ask from you is to be a father to our daughter. You don’t have to love me or even like me but you will respect me, I’ve given you the same since I’ve been here. I’m not going to bother you or interrupt your studio sessions or rehearsals. I still have to find a job while I’m here, that’s pressure enough.” Clearing your throat, you sighed. “Don’t worry about me being in your way, now I can see the kind of person you are, Kim Namjoon.” With that, you opened the door, seeing the other members standing around the door, clearly they were listening and looked down after they saw your face. 

“I’m sorry I did this to you, to all of you. I didn’t think it would happen this way and there’s not enough apologies in the world that will fix this. Excuse me. “ You moved past them, taking your daughter from Jimin and placing her back in her carseat and grabbing your things. You had to go somewhere, anywhere but here. You only knew the dorms so once you got to the main floor you asked for the driver to take you back there. This was all too much. You’d have to figure it all out after tomorrow, which would seal the deal.

// Thank you guys so much for reading! Obviously this was my first story and it will be linked with another series I have in the makings so if you liked this then you’ll love the next one. Also, feel free to ask any questions you would like me to answer or any suggestions about what kind of content you guys would like to see. I’d love to interact with everyone on here. 

[teacupfulofstarshine]

but for just one day let’s only think about love

(a gift for my darling wife @notveryglittery!!! you mentioned wanting more fluff, and i have delivered! i hope you enjoy it, princess!) 

summary: it's the eve of their big day, and roman and patton want everything to be perfect. luckily, they've got their best friends in the world helping make sure everything goes smoothly - and who could ask for better friends? (OR: an absurdly fluffy royality wedding fic written for my lovely wife dani!)

pairings: romantic royality, background romantic analogical

word count: ~5759 

(cw: the briefest anxiety in the beginning, tooth-rotting fluff)

read it on ao3!

“Why did I let you talk me into wearing a white tuxedo?!”

Roman drapes himself over Logan’s couch, knocking his best friend’s newspaper out of his hands as he flops into his lap. Logan stares at him, unimpressed.

“I did not talk you into anything. On the contrary, I attempted to tell you that wearing a white tuxedo was a terrible idea.”

“Why didn’t I listen to you?!” “I have been asking myself that question since you met me. However, the reason you gave me for your current misstep was, and I quote.” Logan presses the back of his hand to his forehead and drapes himself against the back of the couch. “I have to wear a white tuxedo!” he gasps, imitating Roman’s voice and mannerisms to a truly creepy degree. “Only a white tuxedo will offset my perfect golden tan and make me appear to glow when the sunlight strikes me just so! And since Patton always calls me his sunbeam, it seems only fitting that I should be truly radiant for our wedding day! Though not as radiant as Patton of course - ah, my lovely fiancé! How have I gone more than six whole seconds without mentioning -”

“Alright, alright, I get it!” Roman grouses, shoving at Logan’s chest to make him stop. Logan sits up, adjusts his tie, and leans over Roman to get his newspaper off the ground. Rather than reading it, however, he folds it neatly.

“What is this really about, Roman?” “I’m regretting my fashion choices, Logan! Obviously, I -”

“Roman, be honest with me. It is not the suit which troubles you, is it?”

Roman sits up, clasping his hands together and leaning forward. He looks at Logan, dark chocolate eyes hidden behind his bangs. “It’s that obvious, huh?”

“Not to the average eye, perhaps. But we have known each other since we were approximately fourteen months old, Roman. There is very little that you can hide from me.”

“Geez, Lo, don’t I have any secrets?” Roman jokes. Logan rests a hand on his knee.

“Of course you do, Roman. But your insecurities, your . . . your fears should not be something that you attempt to hide, from yourself or from me. Please do not misunderstand me - I am not attempting to pry into your life.”

Roman quirks a half-smile. “I know, Lo. I know you’re just worried.”

“Tell me, then. What is troubling you? You . . . you are not getting the proverbial ‘cold feet’ about your impending nuptials, are you?”

“No! No, no, I absolutely don’t regret accepting Pat’s proposal! I - I love him, Logan. I love him so much, he . . .” Roman twists his engagement ring around his finger. “Patton is the best and brightest thing in my life. He genuinely loves everyone and everything so much, and he’s so kind and - and -”

“I understand,” Logan says. “I did not think that was the case, but it was necessary to eliminate it from the realm of -”

“What if it’s fucked up?”

Logan blinks. “I . . . I do not understand. Could you please expand on that statement?”

“I love Patton so much, Logan. You don’t even understand, I - I could live without food, without water, without oxygen, without anything as long as I had Patton with me. He’s so important to me and - and I just - what if something goes wrong tomorrow? What if there’s a hurricane? What if Emile loses his voice? What if someone drops my suit in a vat of grape juice, what if Virgil’s shop catches on fire and Patton’s dress is destroyed, what if Virgil ends up in the hospital, what if Patton doesn’t want to marry me, what if he stands me up at the altar, what if -”

“Roman!” Logan says. He shifts his hand from Roman’s knee to holding Roman’s hands, which have begun to grip painfully at his hair. “You are engaging in cognitive distortions which are sending you into a spiralling panic attack. Look at me, Ro - it will be alright. I am going to count for you.”

Logan’s voice is quiet and measured, breaths even and steady as he counts. He looks at Roman, who does his best to maintain eye contact. “That’s it, Roman. Take deep breaths. We are optimizing your oxygen circulation in an attempt to engage your parasympathetic nervous system. The process of counting out your breaths will -”

“Thanks, nerd,” Roman rasps softly. Logan smiles, squeezing his hands.

“Of course, prep.”

“I’m not - it’s not that I don’t want to marry him, Logan. It’s the exact opposite - I want to marry him so much that I’m terrified by the prospect of the wedding being anything less than perfect.”

“Realistically, nothing can truly be perfect,” Logan says. “Much of what exists in this world is inherently flawed -”

“Thanks, Lo, that makes me feel worlds better.”

“I was not finished. Much of what exists in this world is inherently flawed, and therefore striving for perfection is unrealistic. However, this does not mean that we cannot strive for excellence. I may not be able to guarantee a perfect wedding, but I can guarantee that I will do everything in my power to make sure that it goes as smoothly as possible. You are my best friend, Roman, and I will be here to support you in every capacity that I can.”

Roman laughs, once, before lurching forward and throwing his arms around Logan’s neck. Logan, knowing Roman better than perhaps Roman himself, has already braced himself for impact, catching Roman and holding him. One hand slides up to scratch the curls at the nape of Roman’s neck while the other rubs Roman’s back in broad, firm strokes. These are the motions that have been proven to be the most soothing when Roman gets like this.

“Thank you, Lo,” Roman whispers, and his voice is so choked that if he were speaking to anyone other than Logan, he would be completely unintelligible. “This - I - you - you’re my best friend, you know that, right?”

“Yes, Roman,” Logan teases. “I had assumed that was why you asked me to be your best man.”

Roman makes an indignant squawking noise. “You are my best friend, too, you know.” He feels Roman nuzzle just a little into his neck.

“Love you, Lo.”

“I love you, too, Roman. If it will make you feel better . . . I have made an Excel spreadsheet to deal with potential outcomes.”

Roman pulls away from him, snorting in laughter. “Of course you did.”

“If you do not want it -”

Roman wipes his eyes, giggling. “Don’t be stupid, I know how many hours you must have poured into that. Let’s see it, then.”

Logan can’t help grinning as he picks up his laptop. “It’s color-coded.”

“Of course it is. I’d expect nothing less from you.”

*~*~*~*~*

“Patton, I swear to whatever deity exists out there in the great unending cosmos of the universe, if you stand up from that chair one more time, I am going to yeet my fucking pincushion under your ass.”

Patton, who’d been halfway out of his chair, promptly drops back down into it, giggling nervously. “Sorry, Virge, I just -”

“You’re nervous about this dress because it needs to go well. I know.” Virgil pokes their head out from behind the folding screen where they’re working on Patton’s wedding dress. “You do trust me to know what I’m doing, right?”

“Of course I do, Virgil! There’s a reason we’re partners in Fabricadabra!”

“I still regret letting you name it that.” Virgil ducks back behind the screen, muttering to themself. Patton can only see the vaguest shadowy outline of them moving around the mannequin on which his secret wedding dress rests.

“You’re just as good a seamster as I am, Virge, I trust you to work on all of our orders! It’s just that - that you’ve never hidden something you’ve made from me before.” Patton looks at the floor, wringing his fingers together. “I know you want it to be a surprise and all that, but I get married tomorrow!”

“I know, Pats. I’m not, like, working on the seams or anything! I’m just doing finishing touches! I don’t want you to see it before it’s completely done because I want you to have the experience, tm.”

“Did - did you just say the letters ‘TM’ out loud?” Patton giggles.

“Absolutely I did, it was for the fucking -”

“Language!”

“ - freaking emphasis. This dress is the most gorgeous thing I have ever created in my life. This dress has been labored over - SLAVED over - for months. This dress contains my blood! My sweat! My tears! My -”

“Virgil!”

“Sorry, Pat, but you get my point! This dress is the most important thing I’ve ever created. It’s my best friend’s wedding dress. I want it to be perfect when you see it for the first time. I want you to see it in all its glory - I want you to see it perfect.”

“Virge, honey, you know I’m gonna love it no matter what! It doesn’t have to be a Dior gown, it’s going to be special to me because you made it! My best friend, my partner in business and in crime, my best - human!”

Virgil pokes their head back out, arching a perfectly done eyebrow. “Did you just call me your best human?”

“Well, yeah! I didn’t wanna call you my best man, cause you’re not a man, I -”

“Bold of you to assume I’m human, Patton.”

Patton laughs. “Does ‘best enby’ work, then?”

“You are too much sometimes,” Virgil chuckles, shaking their head as they duck back behind the folding screen. “You can call me whatever your gay little heart desires as long as it’s not ‘maid of honor’, Pat. I’m really not that picky.”

Virgil falls silent for a few more minutes. Their shadow moves more rapidly around the mannequin, and they alternate between muttering to themself and humming to themself. Patton recognizes about half of the songs they’re humming, and tries to sing along where he can.

“Patton, I love you, but you are so far off key you might actually be in another one.” Patton rubs the back of his head in embarrassment, fiddling with the fraying lace hemming his skirt. “Shouldn’t be much longer, just finishing up a little bit on the sleeves and the neckline.”

“How much overtime did you pull to finish this, Virgil? Have you been sleeping properly? Eating enough? Drinking enough water?”

“I have consumed the life liquid, yes.”

“Virgil!”

Virgil’s head pokes out again. Patton squints, leaning forward to see how much makeup is covering the dark circles that normally reside beneath their eyes. “Pat, I’m not gonna lie to you. I’ve pulled a couple all-nighters. But I’ve done my best to avoid them, and I have timers set on my phone to make sure I eat and drink water on a regular basis. I’m practicing self-care.”

“I’m proud of you, kiddo,” Patton says softly.

“I know, Pat. I just hope you’re proud of my work, too.”

“Virgil, whatever this dress looks like, I promise it’s going to be wonderful. You know why?”

“Why?”

“Because you made it for me! And I know how hard you work and how detail-oriented you are and how super good at your job you are! I know you worry a lot about how good your stuff is, but I know it’s amazing!”

“Pat, stop, you’re gonna make me blush too hard for my foundation to cover.” “Why would you wanna cover up your blush, Virge?”

“I have an image to maintain! I am a cold and emotionless void!”

“You’re the cutest little gender-non-conforming void spawn I’ve ever seen!”

Virgil sticks their face out, cheeks and ears a bright rosy pink. “Patton, you are ruining my image right now.” Patton smiles unapologetically. “Come see your damn wedding dress already.”

“Language, kiddo, I - you’re serious?! It’s done, I can come see it now?!”

“Well, it’s as good as I’m gonna get it, so you might as well come look. Plus, I need you to try it on before the wedding to make sure you’re completely happy with it.” Patton almost trips over his own feet in his rush to get out of the chair as Virgil pushes the folding screen aside. All the air in Patton’s lungs leaves it in a single rush of breath.

“Well? You gotta tell me if you like it or not, Patty, I - Patton?” Patton’s eyes are brimming with tears, hands pressed over his mouth as he stares at the dress. The bodice is gold, with flowy, see-through sleeves of thin, delicate lace. There’s intricate needlepoint along the neckline and the waistline, with delicate floral embroidery on the bodice itself. The skirt is full and flowing, a gradation of blues. It’s so light it’s almost white at the waist, flowing into dark midnight blue at the hem, and the train is embroidered with stars and flowers. The layers of the skirt are varying colors of blue and white, and Patton is starstruck.

“You . . . th-this . . . Virgil, I . . . I . . .”

“Do you not like it? It’s too late to make, like, major changes, but I could theoretically change the - whoa!”

Patton throws himself at Virgil, sobbing openly and pressing soft kisses to their hair and cheek. “Oh, Virgil, it’s perfect!”

“You - r-really? You - you don’t think there’s anything wr-wrong with it?”

“The only thing wrong with it is that you think there’s something wrong with it! Virgil, it’s perfect, it’s everything I could ever want in a wedding dress! I couldn’t have done a better job if I’d designed it myself!”

“Yeah, there was no way in hell I was letting you design and make your own wedding dress, Pat. That would just be cruel.”

Patton hugs Virgil’s skinny little frame close to him, shaking with happy tears and soaking the sleeve of their hoodie. “Virgil, I could not have asked for a better wedding dress. Or a better wedding dress designer. I love it so much, I love you so much, I -”

“Yeah, yeah, I know, I love you, too,” Virgil grumbles. They still kiss the top of his head before pushing Patton away. “Come on, Pats, you gotta try on this thing so I can make last minute alterations. With any luck, you’re only gonna get married once, so let’s go!”

*~*~*~*~*

“Where did you learn to tie a tie, the sandbox?”

Roman looks helplessly at Logan, red silk tie tangled around his hands and fingers. “That - Lo, what does that even mean?” Logan laughs, leaning against the doorframe. He’s already dressed in a tailored black suit, dark blue tie knotted snugly beneath his throat, hair neatly slicked back.

“It means that you are attempting to knot your tie with the skill and grace of a five year old in a sandbox. Was that not clear?”

“No, it wasn’t, Lo,” Roman grouses, standing up. Logan takes in his appearance - half-tucked-in shirt, unbuttoned vest, tie loosely slung around his shoulders. “But I appreciate it.”

“Roman, come here. Let me help you, alright? You’re going to look great.”

Roman tucks his shirt in and buttons his vest, letting Logan straighten and smooth his suit before taking the tie in his hands and beginning to tie it. “It still amuses me that you cannot tie one of these properly, Roman.”

“Hey! For all you know, I am the god of tie knots. I just pretend I don’t know what I’m doing so that you’ll keep tying them for me because I know how happy it makes you.” Logan smirks as he knots the tie, carefully adjusting Roman’s collar to make sure it lays flat over his tie.

“I would be inclined to believe you, but I know for a fact that you spent fifteen minutes prior to my arrival here standing in front of the mirror flailing that tie around pretending to be Amethyst.”

“Rude!” Roman screeches.

“Why? I am correct, am I not?”

“You’re right, but you shouldn’t say it!”

“On the contrary,” Logan says, “I am correct, and therefore I absolutely should say it.” He pulls his hands away from Roman’s neck, smoothing the lapels of his tuxedo jacket down neatly. “You may inspect my handiwork now, although I daresay you will find no fault with my knot. And even if you do, I can rest secure in the knowledge that it is infinitely better than anything you could manage.”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re the most intelligent being that has ever lived, we get it,” Roman says breathlessly, staring at himself in the mirror. “I . . . th-this is really happening, isn’t it?”

“Yes, Roman. It really is. You are going to marry Patton today, and it is all going to be perfect.”

Roman’s hair is curled, falling neatly around his face in soft waves and ringlets that perfectly frame his eyes. Despite his penchant for dramatics, his makeup today is remarkably subtle. His eyelashes are darker and slightly curled, with minimal glitter on his eyes and cheeks. The boldest thing about his face is his bright red lipstick, perfectly matching his red silk tie.

“You look amazing,” Logan says. “I am proud to stand at your side as your best man.”

“Thanks, Lo,” Roman says, tipping his head back to knock gently against Logan’s shoulder. “But you can’t do that - not yet, anyway.”

“What? Why?”

“Because you’re not wearing any makeup.”

“Roman. There is a lifetime ban on you putting any sort of products on my face. You know this. Need I bring up -”

“Lo, please? I promise I won’t do anything too dramatic, and it’s not that I think you look ugly without it I just think it would complete the look! Please, please let me do this? For my big day?”

He bats his definitely-mascara’d eyelashes, and Logan sighs. “I reserve the right to veto the look if I think it is too ‘out there’, Roman.”

“Oh, thank you thank you thank you! You won’t regret it, I promise!”

Twenty minutes later, Logan is blinking at his reflection in the mirror to clear the phosphenes from Roman furiously blotting foundation against his face. True to his word, Roman has not done anything too dramatic - Logan recognizes minimal contouring on his cheeks, shimmery silver eyeshadow, the barest trace of eyeliner. He looks . . . he looks good.

“Do you like it?” Roman worries. “I can take it off if it’s too much, I -”

“Roman, I - it is - satisfactory,” Logan cuts him off, trying not to sound choked up.

“Damn it, Lo! You’re gonna make me cry with all your compliments, and if my mascara runs I’ll kill you I swear to God.”

“With your penchant for crying at emotional situations, I’m impressed that you think you’re getting through this wedding without wearing waterproof mascara.”

*~*~*~*~*

“Patton, if you don’t stop moving I’m gonna take your eye out with the mascara wand!”

“It’s rude to threaten someone on their wedding day,” Patton giggles. “It’s not a threat!” Virgil snaps. “You’re so damn ticklish and fidgety that I’m gonna end up accidentally stabbing your eye out! And then Roman’s gonna kill me to defend your honor and Logan’s gonna help because he’s been Roman’s friend longer than he’s been my boyfriend and -”

“Virgil! Calm down!” Patton says. He gently takes their hands, careful not to let the mascara smudge on his gloves. “I’m sorry, I’ll sit stiller. More still? I’ll fidget less, I promise.”

“Do you not trust me to make you look good?” Virgil asks, in a small voice.

“Oh, sweetheart, of course I do! Just look at you!” Patton gestures to the beauty-guru level makeup on Virgil’s face, from their silvery-purple-black eyeshadow to their dark purple lipstick to the way their cheekbones shine just a little more than the rest of their face. “You’re the best makeup person I know! But don’t tell Ro I said that, okay?”

“Don’t worry, Pat, I know better than to injure Princey’s precious ego. The last time I did that he pouted around for a whole week until I apologized. Not that I meant it - I was right the first time.”

“Hey, be nice,” Patton warns. Virgil shrugs, quirking a smile.

“Sorry, Pat. I know how much Princey means to you. If it makes you feel better, I don’t hate him like I did when we first met. Him not being a dick about my pronouns helped.”

“I told you he wouldn’t have a problem.”

“I know you did, Pat. Now hold still. Emile’s gonna be here to pick us up at any minute, and you need to be ready.”

Patton lets go of Virgil’s hands and obeys, letting them work their magic on his face. He doesn’t see the point in wearing excessive makeup every day the way Virgil does; he likes having his freckles on full display, and he doesn’t mind showing the occasional acne scar or blemish. But Roman had mentioned wearing makeup on their wedding day, and he hadn’t said that Patton had to but he thinks he would feel weird if Roman had makeup on and he didn’t.

Plus, Virgil really likes doing makeup, and they’ve apparently been planning what they’d do for his wedding for years now. Patton would hate to let all that work go to waste.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be done soon,” Virgil says, gently dabbing at Patton’s face. “If Emile gets here before I’m done, he can just wait.”

“I don’t want to make him wait too long!” Patton argues. “He’s doing us a huge favor by agreeing to officiate the wedding!”

“Please, Pat, you didn’t even have to pay Emi. He just loves weddings. He’s a loser like that.”

“Don’t you like them too, Virge?”

“I will admit that over my dead body, and I am denying any candor in your statements,” Virgil says, smooth and practiced. “Now blink onto my finger, I’m almost done.”

Emile shows up right as Virgil is preparing to put Patton’s lip gloss on. “Virgie! How’s my favorite twin?”

“I am your only twin, Emile, and I hate that nickname,” they grouse.

“Oh, look at you! You look so pretty!” Emile coos. Patton is inclined to agree; Virgil is wearing a silver button-down with a black vest, and a tie the same rich purple as their flowing knee-length skirt. Tall black boots lace up to just beneath their knees, and they have flowers matching the ones in Patton’s bouquet woven into their French-braided hair.

“Thanks, Emi. You look . . . adequate.”

“Oh, Virgil! That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me!” Emile squeals, twirling around to show off the flaring of their pleated pink dress. “You’re doing such a good job with Patton’s face! Did you paint his nails, too?”

“Well, someone had to do it,” Virgil grouses, but based on their tone Patton knows that they’re pleased with their twin’s praises, smiling shyly as they focus on carefully applying his lipgloss. “Pat, smack your lips together, and then you’re just about ready to look in the mirror.”

Patton does as he’s told, looking down at his feet. His toenails are painted a bright, cheerful yellow, and he wiggles his toes where they poke out of his sandals. Virgil’s intricate wedding dress fits him perfectly, and beneath his gloves his fingernails are painted sky blue with swirling red-and-gold designs. Finally, he looks up into the mirror propped on the nearby table and sees Virgil’s makeup.

“Oh, Virgil,” he whispers, putting his glasses on and seeing his face in sharp, striking clarity. “I don’t care what you said about the dress, I’m paying you extra for this.”

“Pat, you don’t have to -”

“It’s happening, Virgil, whether you like it or not,” Patton sniffles, and then he’s hugging Virgil tightly.

“Hey - careful, Pat, your makeup hasn’t set yet! And you’re gonna wrinkle our clothes, and -”

“Shut up and take my love, Virgil.”

“Y-yeah, okay . . .”

It takes Emile another seven minutes to shepherd them out the door and into the car, but Patton catches the secret proud smile gleaming on Virgil’s face as they help him get his train into the car.

*~*~*~*~*

The church where they’re getting married is small. The wooden beams bracing the ceiling arc like the beams in the hull of a ship; when they’d first inspected the venue, Logan had gone on some sort of tangent about the historical and symbolic significance of the beams. Roman hadn’t bothered listening, too busy whispering and giggling with Patton and looking at all of the mosaics and stained glass and gilded paintings.

Now, standing at the altar, Emile at his side and Logan at his back, he tilts his head up, up, up to look at the ceiling. Dimly, he remembers Logan’s voice saying, “It is meant to represent the hull of the ark, the ship that supposedly carried two of every animal to safety during the Great Flood of the Christian mythos. The thought in designing the church to mimic this boat is that it will carry the members of its congregation safely to heaven.”

Privately, Roman hopes that this marriage will carry his and Patton’s relationship through the rest of their lives. He knows the divorce rate in America, he knows how likely it is that the average marriage won’t work out. But he refuses to let himself go down that road. He loves Patton, and Patton loves him. They’ve discussed their future a million and one times - he knows how committed he is to making this work. This is going to be the start of the rest of their lives.

His cousin Thomas is up in the choir loft, gently cracking his fingers and running them lightly over the gleaming keys of the organ. Roman can see Virgil waiting in the first pew, gazes out across the sea of faces belonging to his and Patton’s friends and families. Thomas looks down at him from the choir loft and cocks his head to the side, asking if it’s time. Roman looks down the aisle and sees two silhouettes waiting behind the opaque glass doors, glances up to Thomas, and nods. Thomas begins to play, letting a few instrumental bars pass by before he starts singing, voice rich and strong.

The door opens, and Roman loses all the breath in his lungs in one swift, silent rush.

Patton walks down the aisle slowly, timing his footfalls perfectly with the beats of the song. There’s a shimmery veil over his face, held in place by a glimmering silver tiara with sparkling gemstone flowers. Roman hasn’t even seen his face yet, and already he knows Patton is gorgeous.

The dress is stunning; he can see Virgil beaming, and he makes a mental note to slip a hundred dollars into their pocket before the night is over. He knows exactly how hard they’ve been working on this secret project, and how long they’ve been working on it, too. He’s seen Virgil’s handiwork, of course, wears their neat, precise stitches in a lot of his clothing. But that’s mostly minor tweaks - hemming pants here, fixing a torn sleeve there. This is the first time he’s seen one of Virgil’s original creations.

If this dress doesn’t get them catapulted to center stage of New York fashion week, Roman is going to sue the entire fashion industry.

The top is all delicate lace and intricate embroidery, clever flower patterns and flowy sleeves. But it’s the lower half that’s drawing gasps and exclamations from the wedding guests. There’s a pure white ribbon wrapped around Patton’s waist, tied neatly in a bow behind him. The skirt starts off pure white, but as it descends it becomes pale blue, growing deeper and darker and fuller and richer as it heads toward the floor. The train is a midnight blue, so dark it’s almost black, with shimmering stars and flowers sewn in. It’s only because Roman knows Patton asked for one that he knows what he’s looking for, but he finds it quickly - the train is detachable. Patton hadn’t wanted to change into a separate outfit for the reception, but he couldn’t very well dance with a full train behind him.

Virgil really is the cleverest designer that Roman’s ever met.

Patton reaches the altar right as the song crescendos to its climax, and Virgil carefully slips up to stand behind him. His beloved’s face is obscured by the veil, but Roman can tell that Patton’s wearing makeup. Virgil probably did that, too.

Roman owes them so much money.

“Dearly beloved,” Emile starts, practically bouncing in place, “do you how do?” His characteristic greeting draws confused murmurs and whispers from the gathered crowd. Roman can hear Virgil’s palm smack against their face without even looking at them.

The ceremony flies by like lightning, but it feels like forever until Emile is stepping back and they’re putting the rings on each other’s hands, saying their vows. Roman pulls Patton’s glove off, smiling softly to himself when he sees the designs on his nails. He takes the ring Logan offers him and carefully slides it onto Patton’s ring finger.

“Patton,” he says. “I - I wrote this whole big speech, and I even had Logan proofread it for me to make sure it was grammatically correct, but . . . but standing here now, looking you in the eyes - well, as best as I can, anyway -” Patton laughs softly, and some of Roman’s nerves dissipate.

“I agonized over the right way to do these vows for so long, and now that we’re here, now that we’re doing this I - I don’t think it matters as much. I’ll let you read the sappy speech later, but - but right now, all that matters is that we’re here, that we’re together. I love you, Patton, and I don’t care who knows it, but I also really want everyone here to know it.”

More laughter, from everyone else this time. “You are the sun in my sky, the light of my life, the reason I want to keep being the best version of myself. I don’t know if I believe in the concept of people who are fated to be together, but if I did, I know for a fact that I would be fated to be with you. And even if I wasn’t, I would choose to be with you. I - I would always choose you.”

Patton squeezes his hand, and then he’s taking a ring from Virgil’s hands and carefully sliding it onto Roman’s finger. “Roman, my sunbeam, the day that I met you used to be the best day of my life. Whenever I was feeling sad or alone, I would think back to that day and I would remember that you were out there, somewhere, even if you weren’t with me at that exact second. And I would think about the light in your eyes when you look at me, and the way you smile right before you kiss me, and the way you take those few extra seconds to make sure our fingers are perfectly laced together. Those memories always made me feel warm and happy, like I was standing in the summer sunshine. But that’s not the best day of my life anymore.”

Roman blinks in confusion, but Patton keeps talking. “The best day of my life will always be this day, when I look you in the eyes. And I’ll choose you, and you’ll choose me, and we’ll keep choosing each other for the rest of our lives. Sorry I kinda stole the last bit of your vows, honey, but what can I say? You’ve always been the creative one between us.”

There are mixed smatterings of laughter echoing in Roman’s ears, but all he can focus on is the fire in his cheeks and ears and the water in his eyes. “Pat, my makeup is gonna run,” he whispers.

“Logan didn’t make you wear waterproof mascara?” Patton asks, but Roman can tell he’s smirking beneath the veil. “Virgil made me.”

“I told him to,” Logan whispers. Roman considers kicking him, but he gets distracted by Emile’s voice. The ceremony continues on, with Roman and Patton holding each other’s hands tightly. Roman tilts their hands slightly, marvelling at the way the multicolored sunlight streaming through the stained glass glints off their wedding bands.

“You may lift the veil now,” Emile says gently. Roman squeezes Patton’s hands once before letting go and tenderly taking the lacy edges of the veil. He rubs the soft material between his thumb and index finger before carefully lifting the veil and flipping it over Patton’s head to reveal his face.

If he still had breath in his lungs, Patton’s face would steal it from him. His cheeks are glowing and rosy, and his eyes are perfectly framed with dark lashes and subtle eyeliner that brings out his irises. He has golden-red eyeshadow artfully painted on his upper lids, and his lips are a beautiful soft shiny pink. His mouth is slightly open, and Roman just wants to lean in and press kisses against it over and over and over again.

“By the power vested in me by the state of Pennsylvania, I now declare you husband and husband! You may now kiss the groom!”

Roman gently cups Patton’s face, careful not to smudge or smear Virgil’s beautiful makeup job. He gently swipes his thumbs over Patton’s cheeks, right beneath eyes that shimmer with tears. “Hello, husband,” he murmurs, leaning down to brush their noses together. Patton pushes himself up on his tip-toes and presses their mouths together, cupping Roman’s face in return. On one cheek, he feels the softness of Patton’s glove, and on the other he feels the cool metal of Patton’s wedding ring.

His arms slide down to wrap around Patton’s waist and brace his back as he dips him, keeping their lips pressed together as wedding bells begin to ring and the congregation erupts into thunderous applause. He’s kissed Patton a hundred, a thousand, a million times, but this is the first time he’s kissed his husband, and the searing fire in his lips and butterflies in his stomach are fresh as the very first time he’d ever kissed Patton.

Somehow, he prefers this kiss to the time Logan had slapped him a high-five while they kissed.

(Later, at the wedding reception, Patton turns his back to the crowd and throws his bouquet of flowers. When he and Roman turn around, Virgil is holding the bouquet, and Logan is fidgeting awkwardly.

“Would now be an inopportune time to propose?” he asks.

“YES, because this is MY WEDDING DAY!” Roman screeches, even as Virgil shakes their head and furiously pulls Logan in for a kiss.)

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[euphoricpixi3]

Taste of Menace |2| ot7!mafia au

— Masterlist in my bio

— Pairings | this chapter | Jin x reader ; Taehyung x reader ; Namjoon x reader

— Through the story | reader x others as the story progresses

— Warning | this story contain smoking, swearing, tattoos, drinking,  blood and drugs. This is a mafia!au!yandere

— Summary | Your first time watching the underground fight took a completely wrong turn, why were you the only one laying lifeless on the cold ground when you weren’t even fighting?

The pungent smell of hospital disinfect was overwhelming. The room was silent apart from your heavy breathing and the constant beeping sound. No matter how many signals and messages you sent to your brain, everything felt numb, as if you were unattached from your own body. Despite the numbness, you felt heavy and powerless, the recursive beeping only making things worse.

The heart monitor quickly caught up with the racing pounds in your chest. The beats that once were shallow, now so strong you think your chest will burst.

“Shit, what do I do?” the sudden voice was unexpected, it was low, with an agreeable trace of huskiness and with a hint of power. You couldn’t make what he was saying and even if you were trapped in the dark, everything started to feel like a spinning carousel, head is pounding and every cell in your body is screaming for oxygen.

 It was like having another panic attack, only this time was nothing like the previous ones, you didn’t feel the tension growing in your limbs because everything was numb, the rapid beeping making it too hard to focus on your own breathing, you keep fighting, but there’s no use, sudden rush of emptiness spreads inside of you. You hear the same person calling someone ‘Jin’ before completely falling into another deep sleep.

**

Your heavy eyelids fluttered before you slowly opened your eyes, squinting in attempt to sharpen the blurred images before you. You glanced around taking in your surroundings.

The room was white with a blinding light illuminating the whole room. It was nothing like the hospitals rooms you’ve been in, it wasn’t rusty, it was modern, the IV and monitors looking nothing like the old ones. The daunting feeling crept behind you. Sending your heart drop to the feet. You couldn’t afford this. Will you need to make an escape from a hospital?

You didn’t know why you were here, but you knew for sure you wanted out as soon as possible.

All of the sudden the only doors in the room were jolted open, revealing a dark haired man. He didn’t acknowledge you, his gaze fixed on the tray full of medicine.

Taking the opportunity of his unawareness, your eyes wandered from his head to toes. The white gown he was wearing brought out his broad shoulders. His posture reminded of a soldier, just like the ethereal male you’ve seen in the underground, he had the same powerful aura around him. 

Wait…the underground.

Then it all hits you with a bang. The memory of it all starts to occupy your thoughts. Your best friend Eve, the guy who had collapsed.

The monitor reflecting your heartbeat started to beep more frequently, making the doctor frown. “Y-you’re awake”. You yelped in surprise as he suddenly turned around. The pain rushed through your body as the IV tube shifted from your movement.

The guy in front of you froze while looking at your teary eyes. “It’s okay. Don’t be scared” he whispered not moving. It wasn’t the same voice you heard before.

A loud whine escaped your dry lips as the tube kept causing uncomfortable feeling run through your whole self. “No!” he shouted as your right hand moved to pull it out. “Don’t do that. Just let me help you, I’m Jin”

You looked at him carefully nodding your head. Jin sighed before rushing to you. His hands carefully moved, shifting the tube the right way. “How are you doing?” he asked, sides of his mouth moving upwards. You tried to smile back, but you really weren’t sure how that turned out. Instead of answering his question, you asked about the guy.

Jin wasn’t happy about your ignorance, since you were his patient and you were the one with IV tube in your arm. “You seem really nice, so I’m really confused by how you know that prick” he answered before turning around, filling the cup with cold water.

You were about to ask what he meant by that, but the doors opened again. You couldn’t help but look at his face. Why on earth were they all so damn handsome.

“Ah, you’re awake! You scared me for a moment princess, I thought you were going to die on my watch. Namjoon wouldn’t have liked that” you knew that voice, you’ve heard it while lying conscious yet unconscious.

“Who’s Namjoon?” your quiet voice send signals to Jin, but Taehyung only smiled, he enjoyed being the powerful one.

“Our leader that we’re going to see now” Jin’s eyes got ten times bigger. “Taehyung, she’s too weak to walk and I’m certain she can’t handle Namjoon either”

The guy, whom you assumed was Taehyung only shook his shoulders. “I’m only taking orders, come one princess, let’s go”

Jin smiled apologetically before carefully pulling the tube out, motioning Taehyung to come and help you.

Taehyung’s arms wrapped around your waist, gently tugging you to his side.

You closed your eyes once you were on your feet, feeling as if every bone was snapped in half. “Shh. It’s not a long walk”

**

Taehyung was lying when he said it was short walk, it seemed as if you were walking for solid 7 minutes now. “Not a long walk my ass” your murmured to yourself before taking another painful step.

“It would be shorter if you moved faster, but I think I have an idea” you gulped as Taehyung started bending down, ready to pick you up,

“No... no! I can walk!” you yelled jumping further away from him, almost relapsing right there as the pain rushed through your body.

Taehyung’s laugh echoed through the empty hall before let you lean back to him. “Whatever you say princess”

 **

The moment you were seated on a sofa in a big room, you felt so small. As if you were a bird in cat’s trap. The room was like a page from a magazine, everything so neat and organized. The furniture was dark and polished. Everything screamed expensive.

You were afraid to sit in case you wrinkle the fabric or stain it with something you don't even know is on your pants. The floor is a high polished wood, dark and free of either dust or clutter.

“Merlin’s beard, where the hell am I?” 

“You’re in my office, babygirl” you heard your neck snap from the quick turn to the side. He’s taller than Taehyung or Jin, but he’s as just as gorgeous.  Pouty lips curved into a smile, that seemed to hide something else rather than happiness. Only now you realized how rich everyone was. The clothes they were wearing looked exactly like the ones your friend would stare at online, wishing he could afford even a single sock.

Standing in front of you, he smiled in the cold and distant way professionals do. You can never relax around such expressions. Because it always makes you feel as if you were a prey.

And for the first time, you really felt afraid.

“How about we make this quick?” he asked, his fingers tapping the dark table he leaned onto. You nodded your head as quick as you could, quietly saying “I couldn’t agree more” making Namjoon chuckle.

You dropped your eyes to the carpet in anticipation of him speaking to you. But when you raised them again, he was standing only two feet away. His hand reached for your jaw, squeezing it harshly. “You better look at me when I talk to you, we don’t want any more damage on this pretty face”

You shivered from his touch, trying not to show it, but the playing smirk on his face showed that he already knew what power he held over you.

“Seeing that you’re really weak, how about you sit down” he said, before tugging you down to the sofa, seeing as you hesitated for a brief second. Obviously, he gave commands rather than requests.

“Don’t you dare to disobey me, babygirl”          

[snow-slayer]

A Bunch of Good Things from 2019

*I don’t do things consistently, so there’s chunks of time I just forgot to write. So the blank spaces are days where I could not recall the exact good things that happened.*

January 1: Started the year off right by hanging out with @nah-young, eating some delicious leftovers from New Year’s Eve and working on a puzzle. Also caught a shiny Delibird in Pokemon Go as the first catch of the year.  2: Had a headache at work, but went home to take care of myself. Dad and I talked for a long time about money and taxes without arguing. I have also discovered a future hobby I want to get into: 3D printing. 3: I cranked out four solid hours of studying. I’m going to ace the Auditing section of the CPA exam. I feel it in my bones (especially when I finally stood up and stretched). 4: My ‘other mom’ (one of my best friend’s mom) took me out for a belated Birthday lunch to our favorite Thai food place, and I enjoyed more mango sticky rice. It’s one of my new favorite desserts. 5: Did some epic New Year cleaning. Caught up on laundry, filed away my 2018 paperwork, and did some 2019 taxes. Finally on top of things! 6: A puzzle day! I connected a big piece of the sky to the side on the Lion King puzzle. I’ve still got a lot to go, but progress is being made. 7: As usual, I both surprised and pleased the teller at the bank when I moved some money from savings into my IRA. They wanted to know if it was for tax year 2018, but I could tell them last year was maxed out and it was for 2019. 8: Got to practice my training and supervising skills with @arrowhearts.  9: Spent the night at Lucy’s (she’s a cat). She’s the sweetest cat though, and was cuddling in my lap for so long! She even held my finger with her paw for like ten minutes. I love her. 10: It’s been forever, but I finally sat down and played some video games. I’m replaying Arkham Asylum again and really just exploring every nook and cranny I can find. 11: Might have started a new Francis story line ... Whoops :) 12: Helped Jane clear an apartment and acquired many new tools and art supplies to use. 13: Snow! It was snowing before bed, but I still woke up at 5 am to about 4 - 5 inches. Activated my dad gene and started shoveling at 5:30 am (sorry neighbors to the house I was dog sitting at). It’s so pretty out! 14: A quiet day, but I did some work for Jane and gamed some more. Can’t wait to start Arkham City when I get 100% on Arkham Asylum! 15: I took my coworker a basket of fun snacks from Lotte for her Birthday. She’s so excited to try them all! 16: Donated blood today and when I went to get dinner on the way home, I got a free salad! The entree was already free and I ordered a side salad. I pulled out my wallet to pay, but the coupon covered it, too!  17: Treated myself to breakfast on the way into preschool (my new volunteer place since the teacher I followed to several elementary schools is now at). Also ate some amazing home cooked food for lunch with @nah-young before going out for ice cream. 18: Did some very early spring cleaning to prep for my next yard sale and straighten up a bit. 19: Beat the storyline and finished gathering all of Riddler’s trophies in Arkham Asylum. I do still need to finish up the additional content for 100% completion. 20: Working with Jane to help clean out an apartment again and got stencils to use for my art (the ones with shapes of different sizes). I had wanted to get me a set, so I really lucked out. 21: Started reading a book for fun. Lol, I forgot that I can still read non-accounting things for fun. 22: Sent out 1099s at work. It’s always a dreaded part of the year, but it’s taken care of! 23: I started uploading my old Franmouche stories to AO3. I forgot that I’d written 185 pages of them. At least if someone else likes my rarepair, they have lots to read. No guarantees on the quality, but there is quantity. 24: Made fun penguin cutouts for the preschool class I volunteer at. Then studied for nine hours on campus. A busy, yet productive day. 25:  Finished watching all my lectures for the next portion of the CPA exam! So much auditing knowledge!!! 26: Panic alleviated. My check engine light had been on for a few days. Usually it’s just a gas cap issue so I was worried, but after readjusting the cap again (which usually fixes it) and an oil change, the light went out! 27: Played some Pokemon Go for four hours with @arrowhearts and Lyla. No Kyogre, but at least we each got a Groudon. Plus, the weather was beautiful for this time of year. 28: I found a dollar today while sweeping the parking lots with my dad! I’m gonna be riding this wave for a week. (Fun fact: my dad and I used to go bike riding on Sunday afternoons/evenings in the local parking garages and look for pennies. We’d always get bragging rights when we found a quarter or more. We still get excited and tell each other of the day’s finds when we find a few coins while we’re sweeping). 29: Had a bit of a headache, but managed to get through it so I could finish the workday. Then I get some well deserved rest. 30: Met up with @nah-young for some fries and ice cream! 31: My annual physical went well! Took care of a couple test we’ve been putting off, too, and they weren’t quite as bad as I thought they’d be.

February

1: I had such a productive day in the office, even for a Friday. Special thanks to @arrowhearts for helping me move all (24  years worth) of our files. 2: Started off the day a little rough and feeling low, but I decided to go up to campus, and I’m so glad I did. I was able to help a bunch of people get to their destination. Also hung out with @nah-young and @arrowhearts in a sketchy room. 3: Technically today (starting at 1 am). Had a great talk with @nah-young about a lot of things including our friendship. Successfully avoided the Super Bowl (which I heard sucked, so that was a good use of my time). 4: Had a really good conversation with my dad for almost an hour. We had some fights earlier in the year, but it was nice to be able to connect some. 5: It’ll be silly to look back on, but I thought I lost a reference letter for a scholarship applicant, but realized I could find it on our shared drive. Such a relief! 6: I tried Duck Donuts for the first time today. One of our board members brought me and a coworker a half dozen each. 7: Caught a Miltank in Pokemon Go! I thought I missed my chance, but there was a special running, so I got it. 8: Just heard we got a new boss at work, so it’ll be nice to be full staffed again. 9: Started working on a painting for @arrowhearts. It might be my first completed artwork of the year. 10: A lazy day, but I flipped through a book on home decorating. You know, to plan for my future house. 11: Officially started working for Jane’s business. We’ll see how it goes, but at least it’s an extra couple of hours per week. 12: Finished a dog sitting job, and I’m super thankful to be sleeping in my own bed again. 13: I gave Lucy, the sweetest cat ever, a piggyback ride and it was the cutest thing ever. I was on my knees and forearms trying to get Lucy to boop my nose when she just climbed on my back and sat down. I rose up on my knees and hands and she did the “i’m not so sure but I’m going to stay here” stand and let me crawl across the floor a while before finally jumping off. I love this cat. 14: Took the auditing section of the CPA exam. I feel much better about this one than I have about the other two. We’ll see on the 26th. 15: Such a busy day at the office! It was productive, but just a lot of work. 16: Even though I just too the other exam, I managed to get a lot of studying done. 17: Mamaw and I got to chat and work on the puzzle for a while. It was nice to hang out with her since I haven’t done son in quite a while. 18: We had some really good food at our investment club meeting today. Sheppard’s pie (like meat and mashed potatoes), salad, this great cracker dip (I have no other details other than feels like sharp cheddar finally shredded with a hint of spice in some sort of sauce). 19: Our new executive director started today. I think I made a pretty good first impression! 20: Started playing Arkham City again. We had a snow day and even my office closed, so I made the most of my day. 21: Lol and today I finished the main storyline of Arkham City. Accidentally, because I was doing side quests, but Batman got mad when I tried to go finish some before the last mission. 24: I am obsessed with Excel, but I figured out a formula so that it would total certain categories even if they weren’t in order. Plus I learned how to make a drop down menu (on two versions of Excel). Guess who’s budget looks beautiful! 25: I caught a Latias in Pokemon Go. Not having much luck with the water legendaries. I wonder if they don’t like me because we picked the grass starter. 26: I passed the Auditing section! (and instead of keeping it quiet, I made a point to tell some people). Then @nah-young and I went to dinner to celebrate our successes of the day and just have a nice chat. 27: Good news: I starved off a migraine that was starting on Feb 26. Maybe this new method will help them from getting bad. Just took an Aleve with some hot tea. 28: Went on a Pokemon run, and I found $20 blowing across the yard when I got home! A nice find for the year.

March 1: I’ve been really getting into “Ghost Story” by Peter Straub and had so much time to just sit and read while it rained. 2: I watched “Spiderman: Enter the Spiderverse” today. An epic movie and I highly recommend it! I also have several new costume ideas... 3: Officially started working on my Library Comic Con cosplay. There’s not much to show, but it was nice to start costuming again. 4: Hiked up to the nearby bubble tea. It was good! I got a mango green tea creama. Next time I know I have to mix it up before I start drinking it. 5: 6:   7: 8: 9: 10: Started replaying Castlevania IV. It’s been a while since I beat it, so hopefully I can still finish it! 11: I have proven myself an Excel deity. Well, at least Jane thinks though. She needed a spreadsheet for something and had some ideas so I whipped it out in five minutes flat with a bunch of formulas she didn’t even know were possible. I’m quite proud of it. 12: Lol, speaking of excel, I was geeking out over my budget with one of our board members. She was showing me how she built her itinerary in excel for her next trip and I got to show off my budget. 13: 14: 15: It was fake St. Patrick’s day at work, so I got to show off my green Riddler suit. Apart from being mistaken as dressing like a leprechaun a few times, I received a bunch of compliments on it. I’ve gotten a lot of use out of that suit jacket. 16: Tagged along with @nah-young to her grandfather’s birthday party and watched Bohemian Rhapsody. Apart from the timeline inaccuracies, I really enjoyed it! Look at that: two new movies in one month. 17: First big leaf job of the season. I guess the first major landscaping job. Dad helped out, so it made life easier. 18: Investment club meeting went well, and I ended up staying late to chat and help clean up, but it was enjoyable. Also had some great tiramisu from Trader Joe’s. 19: 20: 21: It was a downpour today, but I also made a 20 minute Costco run. Parking was great, the lines were short, and I managed to balance everything without a cart. Success! 22: Finally got around to doing invoices. It’s such a weight off my chest to take care of them. 23: I had the house to myself, so got ample studying done, played some pokemon, and treated myself to some bubble tea. Got myself a bunch of good pokes from Community day. 24: Another lovely day to sit and hang out with @nah-young. I always enjoy our hour long conversations just sitting in my car in her driveway. I also finished the lectures for the BEC portion of the CPA exam. 25: I found a gift card loaded with $30 today. It had been thrown into the dumpster, so a little gross, but it washed off nicely. 26: Ran up to the local library to turn in my books (look @arrowhearts, I did it the day before they were due and didn’t have to make a midnight run). I wasn’t going to check out more books since I already had some checked out from another library visit (I go to many branches due to my job and often check out a book or two, resulting in cycles of books due at different times), but I did anyway. I started reading Area X, too, and so far, I’m really enjoying it. 27: Our family’s accountants think I’m a bit weird because I was so excited to get my tax papers back even though I owed money. I was just like “cool!” to all the facts and things on my sheets, which is apparently not what they’re used to, but one of the new tax laws works in my favor as small business income is taxed at a lower rate or something. 28:  29: 30: I love Annihilation in the Area X series! I haven’t plowed through a book that fast in years. 31: I was catching up on my business spreadsheets and it turns out I had the most profitable March since I started my business :)

April 1: No April Fools jokes, which is always a huge plus. 2: 3: 4: Took the BEC section of the exam and then clocked in a bunch of hours for the Foundation. Jubilee is almost here!!! 5: 6: The Jubilee is over!!! What a relief! A lot of things went well, and I heard it was a lot of people’s favorite. Not sure what actually happened because I was stationed at check in/out all night, but hopefully the silent auction results are good. Huge shout out to @arrowhearts and @nah-young for getting me through the night! 7:A quiet morning of returning the Jubilee to the Foundation. Plus some other landscaping. 8: I know everyone at work is saying I should take time off, and I didn’t, but I’m actually feeling blessed that I have the physical and mental stamina to keep working on things. Plus, I need to catch up with post Jubilee stuff. 9: 10: 11: 12: 13: 14: 15: 16: 17: 18: 19:  Got to talking with my art dealer for a long while and we exchanged headcannons and ideas. 20: Had a nice Pokemon run with @arrowhearts‘ dog. Plus, enough work to keep me out of trouble X) 21: A very busy Easter. I moved a huge mound of mulch. It was half the size of my car. Hopefully the home owner will like it. 22: 23: 24: 25: 26: 27: 28: 29: 30: 31: I’ve been feeling behind, but I finally knocked out a really important thing at work today. Got our annual applications in!

May 1: 2: 3: My gauntlets for my comic con costume look so cool! They’re a little stabby (there’s staples on the inside, although I should be able to tape it down for safety), but overall look cool for a first draft. 4: A long day, but I feel like I was really able to help my friend and her family, which is nice considering how much they do for me. 5: The event that happened wasn’t good, but I’ve been humbled as to how well our house was kept and motivated to try and become more organized. 6:  Dad and I were chatting today, and we could even touch on topics in a civil manner. It was quite nice!  7: Just found out I passed the BEC section of the CPA exam! I’m 75% CPA!!! And no cavities were found after my dentist appointment :) 8: Frantically working on my costume, but my head piece looks really good! 9: Mom even chipped in to help. We rigged up a steampunk mask I have (which doesn’t fit on my head right) so that I can actually wear it. 10: I’ve been fasting for Ramadan and I think my body and I are finally on the same page. It was a rough start this year, but I’m looking forward to focusing on being thankful for what I have and working on self discipline. 11: Library Comic Con! My costume is a bit rough, so no final pictures, but I have plans to make it better! 12: It was a busy Sunday. Lots of lawns, but thankfully the weather was cool. 13: 14: 15: 16: 17: Had a nice meeting with my boss. I keep feeling like I’m not on top of things or she’s disappointed, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. Plus, she said I did great at the finance committee meeting, so that was nice. 18: Although I scared everyone I worked with all day, I was able to donate blood even though I had been fasting.  19: I saw the tiniest inch worm while I was pulling weeds today. It was more like a quarter inch worm and it was just trying so hard to climb up my arm when I found it. I also saw the first lightening bugs of the year. As a bug type Pokemon trainer, I’m quite pleased with all of this (less so with the mosquitoes though, as I got my first bite of the season). 20: I have found a nice way to keep cool at the property Dad and I work at. I’m allowed to douse my head, neck, and hat with the hose, and man does it feel good! 21: I received many compliments at the executive committee meeting for all my hard work on the budget, the Jubilee, and finance committee. 22: Caught up on reconciliations at work (finally). It’s been just a nightmare, but I’m happy they’re done. 23: Another me day. I’ve been taking Thursdays off and got to game for a bit but also accomplish a lot of laundry and studying. 24: Had a good meeting at work to discuss the future of the nonprofit I work at. Plus I finally made a phone call I didn’t want to make. 25: Went to a foam helmet making class with a coworker. I’m super excited to start trying out this style, and I think the sample we made in class can easily be used to make a helmet for Vile. Might have purchased a few things to go with it :) 26: Found a new drink that I love from Kung Fu Tea! Also got to rewatch Coco, which is always good. 27: Part of my afternoon spent working with Jane was changing her screen saver. It was set up for one photo of pictures, but some were so fuzzy, so we set up new pictures and I got to add my fuzzball to the reel. 28: I visited one of Jane’s friends to discuss dog sitting and we had such a nice conversation afterwards. 29: I found a four leave clover today while mowing lawns. It’s been years since I’ve found one, so that was exciting. 30: I plowed through about 6 hours of studying for the FAR portion of the CPA exam. Only two more lectures and then onto multiple choice! 31: Filled out a form at work (finally). Now I just have to hope my boss will sign it and have it notarized.

June 1: 2: 3: 4: 5: 6: Took the (hopefully) last CPA exam. It was nice as I spoke to an elevator engineer before the exam and it helped to calm my nerves a bit.   7: 8: 9: 10: 11: 12: 13: 14: Wasn’t sure what day to put this on, but @nah-young and I hung out for hours just sitting and chatting on the cats’ back porch. 15: Successfully navigated into DC with the help of @arrowhearts (and had an interesting laugh about her being my son...? Oh well, at least we got to give the people sitting outside a show as we left the building with two rollie office chairs each). 16: Started working on my Halloween costume. I’ve abandoned the idea I originally had and will be switching to a different Mega Man X character (fun fact: it was a costume I originally intended to make before being introduced to Scaramouche back in 2017) 17: It was a scorcher, but had a slurpee for the first time in almost a year. I’m so thankful for the 7-11 within walking distance of where my dad and I work on Mondays. 18: I’ve officially passed the CPA exam! Now onto the next steps... 19: I have been struggling with telling people good news, but I did make an effort to inform some people about me passing the exam. 20: Told some more people about the CPA exam and just trying not to stress. I got celebratory milkshakes for my family after dinner. 21: My coworkers are so sweet. They brought me in a cake and we had a mini celebration. 22: 23: 24: 25: 26:Found a praying mantis while mowing. She kept standing where I wanted to mow, so I got to pick her up and put her somewhere safe (with lots of snacks for her!) 27: 28: 29: So glad I went to see Detective Pikachu with @nah-young and @arrowhearts! I really enjoyed it! 30: 31:

July 1: A new fiscal year! I did manage to get a good bit done on my latch hook. 2: A sudden thunderstorm took me off the weed pulling job early (i.e. a perfect opportunity to read). 3: It was quiet in the office. Too quiet ... yet super productive! I processed so many gifts and letters. 4: I don’t really celebrate, and spent a lot of it working, but played some pokemon in the rain. It was a warm day, so the cool rain felt so refreshing! 5: A jammed packed day with trashrooms, a bank run, and more pokemon quests! I completed another 15 and hatched a new pokemon. Plus I finished another book: Dr. Death. 6: A busy day, but I was able to finish everything so I can take the next day off completely (for once). Again, apologies to @arrowhearts  for dragging you out and getting caught in a downpour so I could get some bubble tea! 7: 8: 9: 10: Unboxed my unicycle! Not sure when I’ll ride, but it’s ready when I am. 11: 12: 13: 14: The vanity is back in my bathroom! Dad’s renovating it, and it’s been a slow process, but I finally have a sink! 15: 16: 17: 18: 19: 20: Spent a few hours working on cleaning the basement, and I’m finally seeing some of the fruits of my labor. 21: 22: 23: 24: Officially finished the Vile helmet! 25: Just started a new dog sitting job, and the house is right on top of a pokestop. Guess I’m going to have a full item bag again! 26: Finally got myself a memory stick for my PSP. I’m replaying the Maverick Hunter X game ... because I can! 27: Got three team rocket grunts in one day at the one stop. 28: Plowed through the Vile portion of Maverick Hunter X. Lol, I probably make it harder on myself since I only use my favorites, regardless of if they’re good against the boss. 29: Had a huge crab and shrimp dinner at Jane’s house. 30: Hung out and ate delicious homemade butter chicken with my best friend’s mom (she’s basically like my other mother). We laughed and chatted, showed off our latest projects, probably kept the neighbors up, and just had a good time until like 2 in the morning.  31: Welp, it wasn’t a raid day for armored Mewtwo, but @arrowhearts and I did defeat more Team Rocket Go grunts in the rain.

August 1: Chatted with @nah-young for a few hours and I’ve got a new place to eat on my radar! 2: I kept feeling like I was letting my boss down because I couldn’t answer her questions/didn’t understand, but she insisted I was handling myself well, and found the information she needed later. Plus, she’s very complimentary of my work and appreciates my transparency and work ethic, both of which I work hard on and value. 3: 4: 5: 6:   7: 8: 9: 10: 11: 12: 13: 14: 15: 16: 17: 18: 19: 20: 21: 22: 23: 24: 25: 26: 27: 28: 29: 30: 31:

September 1: 2: 3: It’s official! We’re having a Halloween party at work. If my new schedule turns out, I’ll be at work on that day and will show off a costume. Not sure if it will be the one I’m working on, but I can always recycle an old one. 4: 5: 6:   7: 8: 9: 10: 11: 12: 13: 14: 15: I had such a good ripstik run. @nah-young and I practiced for a good while yesterday (and she did her first trick, too!). I guess it’s nice to see the fruits of our practice since we’ve been working off and on for about a month. 16: Had the investment club meeting at my house. I didn’t get to cook everything, but I picked the recipe and it turned out well! 17: I finished “Every Tool’s a Hammer” by Adam Savage (from Mythbusters) and I really recommend it. It’s such a great book for anyone who makes or creates. It’s a fun read and chocked full of helpful hints. 18: I decided to start reading the Naruto series. I’m enjoying it so far! Now I just have to wait for the next to volumes to be available from the library. 19: I started replaying Scooby Doo and the Cyber Chase. It’s amusing, although I’m a little rough. 20: 21: 22: 23: I’d been on the fence about taking a vacation early next year because I want to save up for a down payment, but after talking to my dad, I decided I’d do a little something. I still need to work out the plans (and make sure the people I want to visit are free), but I’m looking forward to it! 24: 25: 26: There’s a chance I might be going full time at my office job, so dad encouraged me to take the day off from trash rooms. I still got up early, but knocked out a bunch of chores, finished Scooby Doo and the Cyber Chase, finished a drawing, and cleaned in the basement a bit. 27: Lol, I just realized I have three cycles of books checked out again. I started reading The Wicked Years series. I’m trying to set aside time each night so I can read a chapter or two before bed. 28: I made the pattern for my gauntlets! I’m actually trying to do it the right way and making measurements, creating an accurate template, and just generally taking my time. 29: Part 2 of the gauntlets: They’re made! My template worked and I spent a couple of hours slowly forming and shaping them. I still need some practice on the gluing component, but at least they feel sturdy. 30: Started replaying DK 64 again. I really love this game. Besides Gauntlet Legends, it’s probably my favorite N64 game we own. 31: Got rained out at work, but managed to take it easy in the afternoon and just generally keep ahead with laundry.

October 1: Today officially marks the first day of working full time at my office job. They added ten hours a week, so now I’m working 4 days at 10 hours each. It’ll take a little adjusting. I’m happy for the extra hours! 2: I sent out invoices on time for once! 3: It was my fuzzball’s 16th Birthday today! Someone also brought in some really yummy snacks to work that were leftover from a meeting. I also managed to create templates for the leg gauntlets and cut them out of  foam. I’m just rolling with the motivation now, and would like to have Vile finished by Halloween (keep reading to find out if it was finished). 4: Really just having a good time playing DK 64. Knocked out Gloomy Galleon, so all that’s left are my favorite levels! 5: 6:   7: I have leg gauntlets formed. Lol, I guess I should look up the name... All that’s left is the chest plate and cape! 8: I lucked out! My coworker can’t go to a book signing even this weekend and asked me to get her book signed since I’m going. It was the perfect opportunity to get my hands on a copy of “Where the Crawdads Sing” which I wanted to read before this weekend. 9: Making some headway on the costume again! Arm and leg gauntlets have the plating and base coat of plastidip. 10: I finished “Where the Crawdads Sing” within 48 hours of having it my possession. That’s such a huge accomplishment to read something so quickly and eagerly! 11: I was plowing through my to do list at work. I knocked out 11 items. Woo! 12: 13: 14: 15: 16: 17: 18: 19: 20: 21: 22: 23: 24: 25: 26: 27: 28: 29: 30: My Halloween costume is finished *gasp* before Halloween! Barely, but it counts. 31: I won the most creative costume at work! Well, tied for first, but that’s cool.

November (whoops, I really forgot to write this month) 1: 2: 3: 4: 5: 6:   7: 8: 9: 10: 11: 12: 13: 14: 15: 16: 17: 18: 19: 20: 21: 22: 23: 24: 25: 26: 27: 28: 29: 30: 31:

December 1: 2: 3: 4: 5: 6:   7: 8: 9: 10: 11: 12: My coworker is back! She had been on extended leave for a while, but now she’s back. She bring such a positive and fun attitude to the workplace. 13: 14: I’m officially 25! I worked a few hours in the rain, but got a lot done (and saw Lucy, my favorite cat I cat sit). Instead of going to a steakhouse for dinner, which I’m not a fan of, we ended up going to somewhere I did enjoy. Overall, it was a nice and quiet celebration. 15: 16: 17: I finished the Naruto series today! It was a good series, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Going to take a manga break to work on a few novels I have checked out and then  decide which series to start. 18:  19: A busy day again. Knocked out two leaf clients for the year and went to see three bands perform at a local music club. I stayed out way too late, but had a great time hanging with a friend, one of the performers, and the performer’s friend. 20: 21: 22: 23: 24: Hung out with my brother and grandmother. I crushed them in several games! 25: Went to my coworkers in the afternoon and dueled for the first time in quiet a while. They wiped the floor with me, but I had fun with my deck destruction deck. 26: 27: Ended up hanging out with Jane for a while and just chatting about everything. We’re seeing eye to eye on a lot of things, so it was nice.  28: Finished my leaf jobs for the year! Time to relax. 29: 30: 31: Welp, ended up being sick and missing out on the intended New Year plans. I guess I did start the year with a migraine, so here I am ending it with one. After I rested up, I did start playing my favorite video game. Plus, I frantically read “Hey, Kiddo!” before the end of the year

Notable stuff

Highlights: Passed the CPA exam Officially hired full time

Books read: “Ghost Stories” “Every Tool’s a Hammer” “Where the Crawdads Sing” “Wicked” Naruto series “Hey, Kiddo!”

Movies watched: Spiderman: Enter the Spiderverse Mary Poppins 2 The Princess and the Frog Pokemon Lucario

[conflictandscotchblog]

At This Age You’d Think I’d Know How to Chew My Food

How many times in our lives have our mothers or grandmothers told us, “Chew your food.”  Never the father or grandfather.  Why?  Because, like me, they eat like an animal, devouring fistfuls of food in a single gulp.

That is, until last Friday.  Why?  Because that’s when I choked.

Pieces of London broil, previously sliced, sat on a plate before me.  I rolled each one up, shoved it in my mouth, chewed a few times, swallowed, followed by a swig of soda.  Repeat the process.  Worked like a charm, until the soda rushed back out of my mouth all over my living room rug. I ran for the bathroom and christened my kitchen floor along the way.  Standing over the toilet, I realized that the last bit of food was still in my throat.  I grabbed a water bottle, started to chug, hoping to clear the passage. 

Nope. 

That water rushed back out of my mouth.  Nothing was getting past that defiant piece of London broil that had now taken up residence in my esophagus.

I called my doctor and was told to go to the emergency room.

As I drove myself to the hospital, car window down, I continued to throw up out the window, a dog marking my territory along the highway, so I could find my way home.

Once in the emergency room, I was handed a corrugated bucket from a stack that stood by the admission desk (guess this happens often).  Quickly, I was called from the waiting room and led to an examination room.  On the way, the nurse said I needed to get weighed.  Couldn’t this be the one time I saw a doctor  where they didn’t weigh me?  Besides, I heard choking adds ten pounds (fifteen with dessert).  I was confused when we walked passed the standup scale, and I was guided to stand on a metal plate built into the floor.  Am I that fat that I need to be weighed like freight? 

Apparently, yes. 

Next, I was moved to an examination room.

And there, I waited.

I entered the examination room at 7:30 p.m. but had first contact around 8:15.  Everyone was friendly, and I’m sure mine was the least dire emergency in the place.  After a time, I had the distinct impression I was on their ‘every forty-five minutes’ schedule.  First, a quick hello and review of my problem.  Next round, an IV bag of saline injected into my arm.  Next round, a doctor who told me that they were going to inject a medication (a name I wouldn’t even try to pronounce) that will probably not work.

Spoiler alert, it didn’t.

I was told drinking a soda may dislodge the object and asked if we could start with that.

“Good idea,” the doctor said as she left.  Forty-five minutes later, with medication not working in my arm, a nurse looked at me from across the hall and yelled to no one in particular, “Can we get a soda over here, please.”

A few minutes later, I was handed a Coke.

“Oh,” I said, “I was hoping for something with lemon.”

I’m sure everyone in the E.R. appreciates a good joke; surprised they didn’t slap a ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ sticker on my back when I wasn’t looking.

Shortly after that, a man wheeled a laptop on a stand into my room.  Asked for I.D., and the usual questions, as he populated fields on his screen with my pertinent information.  Was I being booked, I asked.  He didn’t know, that wasn’t his job, he replied.

What was his job, apparently, was to return ten minutes later, as my food still stayed lodged in my throat, and hand me a bill for my stay so far.

“Do you want to take care of this now, or should we mail it to you?”

You could imagine the reply I wanted to give.  I said to bill me.  Was I to be presented with a bill hourly?  Why not just put a meter on the door?  At least then I could play along.

The doctor returned and said, since the food hasn’t dislodged, she was calling in the G.I. team.

“You’re calling in the army for this?”  More jokes, more laughter ensued.

Then I asked if I could leave once this was over.

“Absolutely,” the doctor said and left the room.

Just after midnight, I sat in a much larger examination room, with gastroenterologist, anesthesiologist, two nurses, and two very large machines at the ready.

The anesthesiologist explained what he was going to do, as I signed one page after another of my consent.  Just after I signed the last one, I again asked if I could leave once this was over.

“Absolutely not,” the anesthesiologist said as he placed all the forms into a neat pile.

“I was told I could leave,” I said.

“Whoever told you that did not know what they are talking about.”

Just what every patients wants to hear while sitting in the Emergency Room.

Then the gastroenterologist stepped in with his question.  As I answered, he scribbled my responses.  When he asked if I had any sudden weight loss, I slapped my stomach and said, “Does it look like I’ve had weight loss?”

He did not look up, did not crack a smile, just kept scribbling.  Then he said something that made me think I should stop making jokes, “I have been doing this for years, and it never happens, but if I tear into your esophagus we will be rushing you into emergency surgery.” 

Why did I feel like this was the medical version of “I swear, honey, this never happened before”?

Directed to lie on my side, an IV plugged into my arm and a plastic oval strapped onto my mouth, which gave me a permanent surprised expression, I was about to say, ‘I can’t really breath’ when I heard, “Good night.”

I woke up an hour later, the room empty except for one nurse, and my throat clear.

For the next five-and-a-half hours I lay in the hospital bed, wide awake.  I scrolled through the channels on the TV, watched reruns of “Petticoat Junction” and “77 Sunset Strip.” For some reason, there was a channel where you could order “Adam & Eve” sex toys.

Wonder if that would be covered under my insurance?

I fell asleep about twenty minutes before the doctor came in, turned on the lights, and asked me how I felt.  Twenty minutes after that, I was released and headed for home.

For the rest of the day I was very cautious about how I ate.  But I’m proud to say that I learned my lesson, chew my food now without incident, and it never happened again.

Oh, wait, did I mention this is only Part One of the story?

Photograph by Amanda DeLuise

[featherymalignancy]

Great. Perfect. Nice. Fuck this for elriel

PART I—Navy Suits and Chelsea Boots: An Elriel Story

Summary: On the eve of Rhys and Feyre’s nuptials in Big Sur, California, Az decides to end two years of pining by finally telling Elain how he feels. The only thing standing in his way is Graysen, Elain’s selfish, on-again, off-again boyfriend.

PLEASE BE ADVISED: As with everything I write, this story is *not* appropriate for children, WHICH INCLUDES TEENAGERS UNDER 18. If you a teenager under the age of 18, please be advised this story’s mature themes were NOT intended for your consumption; please consider seeking more age-appropriate media.

This is part I of IV. Click HERE to jump to the Navy Suits Masterlist!

Part I: The Rehearsal–Day 

If there were two things Azriel Macar hated, it was asking for favors and people prying into his personal life, so as he sat in front of the shi-shi resort in Big Sur, the irony of his purpose for being there was not lost on him.

Not only was he about to ask that irritating prick Vanserra for help, Azriel was all but inviting Lucien into him private business. Under any other circumstances, either one of those things would have been enough to dissuade Az from going inside. However, the wedding was tomorrow, and he was out of options. If ever they were an occasion to swallow his pride, he was pretty sure it was now.

He remained in the car for another minute, drumming his fingers on the wheel as he debated. He wasn’t sure what he was waiting for, though; he didn’t get up at six am and make the drive from LA just to sit here and twiddle his thumbs.

Finally, he glanced at his watch and got out, wondering for a moment if the hotel bar would be open yet before fetching the carefully wrapped chandelier from his trunk and flicking the keys to the valet.

The place was full of what were clearly preparations for the ceremony tomorrow, and he was glad for it; it made his showing up here less suspicious. Though, he supposed, it didn’t really matter. The minute he started asking questions, he knew Lucien would puzzle out why he’d come and tear the mickey out of him for it.

“Can I help you, sir?”

Azriel pushed his sunglasses into his hair and glanced at the girl bobbing behind the reception desk.

“Lucien Vanserra?”

She opened her mouth before closing it, her eyes going over his shoulder in answer.

“Macar, you must need a new watch. You’re…” Azriel turned on a booted heel, trying not to react as Lucien consulted his own sickeningly-lavish timepiece “Six hours early.“

He gave Azriel a lazy grin, the kind that always made Az want to punch him.

Reminding himself to keep it cordial, at least to start, Azriel shrugged and said, “I was dropping off the arbor.”

Azriel had built Feyre and Rhys a bespoke arbor from California cedar for their rustic—if wedding held at a resort that cost $1,300 a night could ever be considered rustic—nuptials in the redwood forest that yawned out behind the hotel.

“What?” Lucien said dryly. “In your two-door Benz?”

Azriel only pursed his lips as Lucien eyed him gleefully. The younger man had an uncanny knack for spotting a lie and a seemingly insatiable thirst for gossip, both of which set Azriel’s teeth on edge.

“You’re full of shit,” Lucien observed, eyes still keen. “Your guys dropped it off yesterday.”

Azriel held up the chandelier—which would be attached to the arbor for the ceremony— in answer, and Lucien rolled his eyes, though he was still smiling faintly.

“You drove six hours through LA traffic to drop off a glorified lamp?”

“This thing is baccarat crystal, you uncultured dick,” Azriel snapped, and Lucien rolled his eyes again, gesturing to the left with his chin.

“We can store it in my office until the light guy gets here tomorrow morning.”

Azriel followed Lucien up the grand staircase, helping him to carefully get it settled in the walk-in safe before watching Vanserra slouch into the chair behind his desk.

Not sure how to go about finding out what he’d come here for, Azriel braced his hands on the supple leather chair across from Lucien, surveying the view of the pool and forest beyond that was visible through the large window.

”I can’t believe you own parter of this place,” Azriel remarked, aware that his tone was a little south of friendly.

Lucien only laughed.

“It’s an equity investment,” Lucien said. “I don’t even have the controlling stake. And this is all pretty rich coming from the dude who build Beyoncé’s dining room table.”

Azriel flushed. Maybe it was a consequence of growing up poor in a part of the country where flashing wealth was considered a mortal sin, but name-dropping and talking about money always made him uncomfortable.

He’d certainly acquired a taste for the finer things since his design shop had gotten successful, but he didn’t see what joy there was to be gained from bragging about it all the time. Besides, there wasn’t really a need: the orange Lamborghini Aventador parked in his garage back in LA was more than happy to do it for him.

“What’s this about?” Lucien said, the shadow of that knowing smirk still faintly visible on his face, even though he wasn’t currently smiling. “No offense, Macar, but I really don’t have time for your ‘Man of the People’ routine today, and I know you didn’t get here half a day before the rehearsal dinner just to drop off that stupid chandelier, bacca-ra-ra crystal or not.”

“Baccarat,” Azriel corrected, and Lucien rolled his eyes. “And I didn’t get the frame finished before my guys left with the truck yesterday. I just wanted to make sure it got here okay.”

Lucien surveyed him with a critical eye before shrugging.

“So we’re good? Great, I’ll get Jessica to check you in, then. I assume you’ll want to go to do push-ups or scowl in the mirror or whatever it is you do for fun, considering you have six hours before the rehearsal starts.”

Lucien started out of his chair, and Azriel tensed, making the former smirk.

“I thought so,” he crowed, dark eyes glittering. “I know what you want to ask me, so go ahead: ask me.”

Azriel only clenched his jaw in response. Jesus, this was such a dumb idea. He should have just taken his chances and gone to Palo Alto. Hell, even gone to Feyre, annoying as her meddling could sometimes be. Anything to avoid that smug, shit-eating grin that had begun to spread across Lucien’s face.

“Fine,” Lucien said, clearly enjoying every second of Azriel’s discomfort. “I’ll go first: you want to know if Elain’s bringing someone tonight.”

Azriel only crossed his arms, and Lucien laughed.

“I knew it!” he said, banging his fist on the table. “I knew you had the hots for her! Man, you are so fucking transparent.”

Azriel rolled his eyes.

“What do you want, a medal?”

“That’s alright,” Lucien practically cooed. “Watching you squirm is prize enough.”

“Cut the shit,” Azriel said, patience waning. Please god let her be single again. He wasn’t sure he could handle having sacrificed this much of his pride for nothing. “Is she bringing anyone?”

Azriel hadn’t seen Elain since she’d gone back to grad school at Stanford a month ago; that was more than enough time for some other guy to slide in and try and sweep her off her feet. His only saving grace was the fact Elain was not easily wooed. It was one of the many things Azriel found so alluring about her; she was quietly but fiercely independent, and self-possessed in a way most twenty-four year olds weren’t.

Lucien only shrugged.

“How should I know?”

“She’s your best friend; don’t pretend she doesn’t tell you everything.”

Lucien pursed his lips this time, clearly slipping into his long-held role as gatekeeper to Elain’s highly-sought after affections.

“Say what you really mean: you want to know if she’s back with Graysen.”

Okay, yes, that was what Azriel wanted to know, though he didn’t admit as much out loud. Graysen Van Baas, for all this faults, always seemed the dog to beat in the fight for Elain’s attention. None of their friends could really figure out why—he was a grade-A douche—but Elain had been dating him on-and-off since college, and had even turned down a scholarship at the Department of Art History at Yale to follow him to Stanford instead. Graysen was a second year law student there, a fact he felt the need to remind them of with sickeningly frequency.

For the three years, Elain and Graysen had been in a constant cycle of breaking up and getting back together, much to everyone’s chagrin. The last time she’d brought him down to have dinner in LA, Cash ended up having to drag a snarling Nesta out of the restaurant to avoid a scene. According to him, it had taken dirty sex in the back of their Land Rover and a new Michael Kors handbag to convince Nesta not to drive up to Palo Alto and kill Graysen in his sleep.

“Well?” Azriel prompted, giving Lucien a deadpan look that Lucien rather impressively matched.

“Not that I know of.”

“Not that you know of?” Azriel repeated, and this time, Lucien did stop smiling.

“Elain and I had to make a ‘No Graysen talk’ policy for the sake of our friendship.”

“So you have no idea if she’s bringing him or not?” Azriel said, and Lucien gave another shrug.

Well wasn’t that just fucking fantastic.

Azriel waited for Lucien to continue, but he didn’t, much to Azriel’s mounting annoyance.

“Vanserra, I don’t have time for your dramatic timing or your bullshit. Just tell me if you think she’s going to bring Graysen or not.”

“I don’t think so. She’s pretty garbage at hiding when she’d seeing him again, and I haven’t heard her mention him even in passing, though—” Lucien paused to give Azriel a vulpine smirk.  “She does seem to find plenty of ways to casually bring you up in conversation.”

Lucien put on an affection of Elain’s sweet, sing-song voice and continued, “'How’s Az doing? Did you know that Gwyneth Paltrow bought one of those reclaimed accent tables Az makes? What day’s Az coming up for the wedding, do you know? Did you read that article about Az’s designs in—’”

“You better not be fucking with me,” Azriel interrupted in a low voice. His heart was beating so hard he could feel like in his throat.

Lucien’s mouth tightened.

“Look, I know you and I aren’t exactly friends—though please know I would take you over Cash or Rhys any day of the week—but Elain has been my best friend for ten years, and I love her more than anything. I would never fuck with her happiness, and I certainly wouldn’t send some surly dude after her if I didn’t think she wasn’t at least open to the possibility. Do with that information what you will.”

“A charming sentiment,” Azriel said, already miles away from the conversation. He needed to call Cash. He and Nesta were meant to pick Elain up from Palo Alto on their way down from San Francisco. It was nearly impossible to convince Nesta Archeron to change her plans once they’d been made, so Azriel would need to buy Cash as much time as possible to bribe her into agreeing. Hopefully this time, Cassian would leave out the logistics; Azriel had heard enough details about their sex life to last a lifetime.

“Excellent,” Lucien said. “Well now that that’s settled, I have actual work to do. Are you going to stay here, or—“

“No, I’m leaving,” Azriel said, check his watch. It was noon already—he needed to get on the road.

“Are you seriously driving down to Palo Alto right now?” Lucien said, seemingly amused. “Damn, son, I hope your boss is reimbursing you for mileage.”

“Stay out of my business,” Azriel said curtly, seeing no point to being polite now that he’d gotten what he came for. “And don’t ever call me ‘son’, again.”

“No?” Lucien goaded. “What about Daddy?”

“Vanserra,” Azriel said, squeezing his eyes shut and praying for patience. “Don’t make me kill you.”

“Oh please,” Lucien said, kicking his feet off the desk. “You’d never do that to Elain. And you owe me, by the way. Maybe you could tell Mor—“

“She has a serious girlfriend,” Azriel cut off, “But I will put in a good word with her friend Vassa—apparently she’d got a thing for gingers.”

Lucien rolled his eyes, though Azriel could tell he was secretly pleased with the prospect of Jes’s attention.

“See you this evening, then,” Lucien said in dismissal. “Please, do not feel the need hurry back.”

Azriel flipped him a foul hand gesture and sauntered out, reminding himself not to seem to eager on the trip back to his car. Once in it though, he put the petal to the floor, letting his new E-Class purr into fifth gear and linger. It was then he called Cash

“What’s up, brother?” came the answer after three rings.

“Hey, have you and Nesta left to pick Elain up yet?”

“No, she called earlier and said she’d had some breakthrough on something with her paper, and that she’d just meet us there. Why?”

Azriel gripped the wheel a little harder, bracing for impending impact with Cash’s needling wit.

“No reason.”

Cassian only laughed in response.

“You’re driving up to Palo Alto, aren’t you?” he said mirthfully. “Man, you have it bad.”

“Fuck off.”

“Damn, Feyre’s gonna be so smug; she bet you would make your move before the rehearsal dinner. I had you waiting until the reception! Where’s the heads-up, handsome?”

“Feyre knows?” Azriel demanded, feeling his cheek warm slightly. “I told you not to tell her. And stop betting on my love life; it freaks me out.”

“I didn’t tell her, Nesta did. And before you bite my head off, I didn’t tell Nesta, either. She just figured it out. Also, don’t be so uptight; stress can cause impotence, and trust me, you don’t want to start this Elain thing off with a limp dick.”

“Christ,” Azriel said, rubbing his temple with his free hand. “Please stop. And just keep Nesta’s phone away from her for a few hours. I don’t need Feyre waiting on the front steps like a welcoming committee.”

“Tough ask, my man. The only way to keep her that distracted is to—“

“Goodbye Cash,” Azriel said with emphasis. “See you in a bit.”

“Go get ‘em, champ,” Cash cooed, and Azriel grit his teeth in annoyance before ending the call.

It was about a two hour drive down to Palo Alto, and Azriel spent the entirety of it wondering the best way to handle the situation.

It felt rather abrupt to simply confess himself the minute she opened the door, but given how well—or rather, how poorly—the subtly angle had played so far, he didn’t feel like he could rule it out entirely.

By San Jose, he’d run through ever possible iteration of their conversation, ranging from doing nothing to just kissing before she had a chance to speak. He found all the speculation was just making me more agitated, so he permitted himself to daydream about what she might wear instead.

Unlike her elder sister, Elain wasn’t usually one for dressing up, but when she did, it was always to devastating effect.  Azriel thought of the tantalizing little cocktail dress she’d worn to Cash’s 34th birthday in July and bit his lip; she’d looked good enough to eat that night.

Though, Azriel mused, that wasn’t the Elain he liked best. He preferred her usual style, her quirky overalls and graphic tees, that long braid forever swinging behind her as she laughed or talked animatedly about Cinquecento Rome and the artistic milieu of the Papal Courts—the topic of her Masters thesis.

Fuck, he should have done this months ago. He should have done it the moment she broke up with Graysen at the beginning of the summer, or that day they’d watched the sunset together over Golden Gate park after the dinner to celebrate Nesta’s latest win in court.

Sitting on the hood of the Benz that night, he’d wanted to, so badly. But watching her with her knees tucked to her chest like she was a little girl while she explained all the constellations as they emerged, he hadn’t wanted to ruin the moment. Besides, she’d only just broke things off with Graysen the week before, and he hadn’t wanted her to think he was taking advantage of her.

He should have just done it, though; should have explained that it wasn’t about her breakup, and that he’d fallen for her the moment he met her, and had  continued to fall with every new thing he learned about her. It was true she was gorgeous, but somehow, that was the least alluring thing about her.

Swearing to himself, Azriel pulled up in front of Elain’s quaint bungalow and parked, drumming on the steering wheel again to try and dispel the nerves. He really wished he still had that bottle of Jamo in the glove box; he really could have used it right now. Instead he just took a deep breath, glancing in the rearview to inspect his hair and run a hand through it before getting out of a the car.

Right, he could do this. As Lucien had so tacklessly pointed out, he’d been personally invited into Beyoncé’s house before; if he could keep his shit together for that, he could be cool about this.

He would just be casual, friendly. They had the whole drive up to chat—there was no reason to blurt it all out now. Besides, why explain he was basically in love with her on her front porch when he could do it as they drove down the breathtaking California coast?

He blew out another breath and knocked, fumbling a bit for what to do with his hands before leaning in what he hoped was a casual way on the doorframe. Women liked when guys leaned on things, right?

He listened to the door click, and he pressed his nose to his shoulder to quickly insure the cologne he’d put on that morning was still fresh before the door swung in.

Elain appeared, and his heart stuttered a step. She looked as gorgeous as he’d ever seen her, and it honestly made it hard for him to breathe.

“Hey Ellie,” he managed, pushing sunglasses into his hair and grinning the way he only ever had an urge to when she was around.

“Az,” she said in delighted surprise. “What are you doing here?”

He shrugged, grin widening a little.

“I was in the neighborhood,” he said, and she laughed, her teeth bright against her rose pink lips.

Az tried not the check her out as she did, but she was perfection in the pink tulle cocktail dress she wore, and my God did her tits look amazing. He’d promised himself before he got here he wouldn’t look at them, but the dress was cut nearly to her sternum, and there was truly no not looking. Az had always been—if such a thing wasn’t too ungentlemanly to admit—a breast man, and hers were without equal. Still, they had nothing on the intelligent, merry glimmer in her doe brown eyes, which had him falling just that little farther in love when she met his eye.

“From LA?” Elain teased, craning her neck to grin at him and fisting a hand in his shirt at the hip as she did.

Ordinarily he didn’t like to be touched without provocation, but Elain was a tactile person, and he’d come to crave her calming touches, even knowing they were completely platonic.

He flicked her nose in answer, and she batted him away, laughing.

"Cash mentioned that you were driving yourself down,” Azriel explained, wishing he could invent another reason to touch her again. “And since we all know there is only about a fifty percent chance Jafar can actual make it that far, I’d thought I’d see if you wanted a ride.”

Jafar was Elain’s embattled ’87 beetle, so-named for his villainous predilection for losing A/C in the summer.

Elain laughed again before biting her lip, her expression going penitent.

“I wish you’d called,” she said, frowning now.

Oh no. Azriel knew that look; it was the one she always gave saps at the bar when she wanted to let them down easy.

“Are you that deadset on taking Jafar?” Azriel teased, desperately trying to right the ship. “You still haven’t replaced the radio from when it got ripped out.”

Elain laughed.

“No, fuck Jafar. You know I’d much rather ride in the Benz and hang out with you. It’s just—” she broke off, wincing a little now, too. “Don’t be mad.”

“Why would I be mad?” he said, but he knew what was coming next, and he was already so mad her could barely keep from blurting a very impolite swear word, one that rhymed with both “duck” and “truck”.

“Graysen’s on his way to pick me up right now.”

Azriel felt his shoulders falling in obvious disappointment, and he caught them with effort, his traps aching with the stain of not letting them slump.

“You’re seeing Graysen again?” he forced out, still straining to sound conversational.

She blushed a little. At least she wasn’t oblivious to how much they all disliked him.

“We got back together last week.”

“Great,” he said, running a hand through his hair for something to do. “Well that’s..perfect. Nice.” 

He glanced down at her, at the sweet dolefulness in her expression, before squeezing his eyes shut and blurting, “no actually, fuck this. Ellie, please don’t bring that dick to your sister’s wedding.”

Elain pursed her lips and turned away from the door, and Azriel took it as a silent invitation, following her in and closing it behind him.

“Please,” she said, biting her lip again. God, he wanted to do the same so badly in hurt. “I’m already going to get enough crap from Nesta and Luc; I don’t need it from you, too.”

“Well tough shit, because you’re getting it.”

She crossed her arms somewhat defensively, and he softened.

"C’mon, El, we all know how this ends, and honestly, you could do so much better.”

“You don’t even know him,” she said. “And I realize you and Cash and Rhys love playing big brother, but I’m not some little teenager you have to look after. I’m a grown-up, and I’m fine. ”

He groaned in agitation, wondering how this had gotten off the rails so quickly.

“You’re not like a little sister,” he said, wanting to be sure it had been stated for the record. “At least not to me.”

He hoped in vain she would read between the lines and get what he was trying to tell her. Understandably, she didn’t, and she just rolled her eyes.

“So you’re telling me you drove two hours out of your way just to see if I wanted company?”

Yes, that was exactly what he was telling her. Before he could debate the merits of saying this out loud, she narrowed her eyes and continued.

"I know my sisters sent you to spy on me after I cancelled on Nesta.”

He groaned again. They had to get out of this “family drama” zone before he got branded as an overbearing older brother for all eternity.

“Jesus, Ellie, that is not what this is.”

“Okay,” she said somewhat hotly. “Then what is it?”

Azriel fumbled for the words, but he’d always been more a man of action than eloquence, so he advanced to gently cup her cheeks instead, hoping she didn’t slap him as he kissed her.

Her lips were so soft he wasn’t sure what to do with himself, and at this close distance, he found himself inundated with her pretty floral perfume. However, after a second her lips were still tight under his, and hating himself for forcing the kiss on her, he jerked back.

“Oh fuck, I’m so sorry,” he began in a panic, beginning to back away. “Ellie, I—“

He didn’t get far in his doleful retreat. She had a hand in his t-shirt before he could even blink, and suddenly she was the one kissing him. He thought to question it, but didn’t, simply wrapped a hand around her back to steady her so he could get a proper taste. She’d obviously just brushed her teeth, and her breath was fresh as she opened her mouth so her tongue could touch his.

The left-brain part of him was distantly screaming at him as they continued to kiss, demanding he parse through the events that had lead them to this point so he could make sense of it. The rest of him didn’t care. He didn’t care that her dumb ass ex boyfriend was still on his way over here, or that he had no idea what it meant that she’d kissed him back. All he cared about was that she had.

He moaned when her hands slipped under the hem of his shirt and down his bare back. Not to seduce, he realized, but simply to feel his warmth against her own and ground them more solidly in the moment. He melted into her touch, suddenly struck by the feeling that after 29 years of wandering the Earth like a nomad, he’d finally found a place safe enough to call home.

The dizzying delight of it made him slightly unstable, and they careened backward, his hand bracing on the wall and caging her to it as they continued to kiss. He groaned as she let her hands slip out of his shirt so she could run her fingers through his hair, knocking his sunglasses to the ground as she tugged on the strands, her teeth echoing the motion on his bottom lip.

He was so wrapped up in it that he didn’t hear the annoying bugle of the camero’s engine as it trumpeted into the driveway, and it was only when someone knocked on the door that he realized Graysen had arrived.

“Babe? Are you ready? Let’s go.”

Elain stiffened, and she and Azriel shared a look.

“Just don’t answer it,” he mouthed, but he felt his stomach twisted into a grotesque double windsor as she flashed him penitent look, pushing gently on his chest and eying her overnight bag where it sat packed near the door.

No, this could not be happening. There was no way this was actually happening.

Except it was.

Elain slipped from beneath his arm and called, “Umm, be right there!”

“You said two,” Graysen called back. “It’s 2:07. Hurry up, please.”

Azriel watched in horror as Elain smoothed her hair before gathering her things.

“Elain,” he whispered, but she shook her head, still looking—despite the royal screwing she was about to give him—like the girl of his dreams, the one he’d been in love with for two years.

“I’m so sorry, Az,” she said in the same tone, giving him a sympathetic frown as she touched his cheek. “I just can’t.“

“Wait, Elain—“

He reached for her wrist to hold her there, but it was too late. She was wrenching open the door, and Azriel had no choice but to listen as she kissed Graysen, still flattened to the wall like a teenager trying not to get caught. He only dared move when he heard the Camero pulling off down the street, taking a staggering step back before hearing a crunch and glancing down to see his sunglasses snapped in two.

What a fucking joke.

Part II: The Researsal Dinner

[edoubt]

emerging

Here are some ways the Universe appears to be "talking" directly to me. i have no memory that is conscious about exactly when Katie Mottram's book _Mend the Gap_ first came to my attention. But sometime (in mid 2018, possibly quite a bit earlier) i must have read something on-line that caught my attention and caused me to add it to my "to-get" list of books that is ever lengthening (but i still manage to chip away at (enjoying the hell out of the process of reading about all sorts of interesting (to me) topics) over time). In late November or early December of 2018, my adult kids shared their Xmas lists with their aunt, uncle, my wife Michelle, each other and me. For reasons i still don't understand, i chose to jump in and interject my own "request" for a handful of books that i selected from my 'list' that i desired to possess. _Mend the Gap_ was among the half dozen or so that i submitted to my close family members at that time. Presents are opened Xmas eve (traditionally in my wife's family) at my parents' in law's place, just a few miles from our own home. This year was no different. Upon opening presents, i discovered that my sister in law Anna, her husband and my neice had gifted me _Mend the Gap_ and as i read the covers and promotional material on the first few pages while everyone was continuing to open presents, i became greatly excited. You see, i had had my own history of mental health issues, seemingly "started" by my mother's death in a car crash, which happened in April of 2009 (on a Thursday). As the rest of 2009 wore on, i became more and more dissassociated from consensual reality. Until now, i had thought that this was a road to delusional thinking. But what i experienced at that time felt more real than anything i had previously ever experienced in my life, though in hindsight at least some of what i thought and believed was in fact truly delusional. In late November of that year, things came to a head following 4 days during which i only managed to get a total of 2 hours of sleep or so (and prior to that i was also sleeping infrequently as insomnia became a bigger and bigger issue for me). At some later point, i may share more details about my story and all of my "delusions" but for right now, the main point is that i ended up in the hospital (my ride there taking place handcuffed to a gurney of an ambulance, a truly surreal experience for me, as it felt like i was in a movie when i 'woke up' and looked up at the ambulance personnel and a state police officer all trying to prevent me from hurting myself further (i had been 'medicated' at home in my bed after my father in law talked me into dropping the electric bass i was holding at the time to block the view out the window where i'd placed a computer in my back yard near a fallen tree -- i was under the impression at that time that the Universe was in danger and that without my active engagement and participation, everything would end up in an even more terrible mess than things seemed to be heading towards already -- as a result i had broken out my bedroom window and climbed in and out of it several times (cutting my left elbow pretty severely))).

In 2011 a young relative of mine, Joseph Alan Kennedy, was killed in combat in Helmand Province Afghanistan. i felt tremendously guilty because prior to that time, his mother (my cousin in law on my mother's side of my family) had asked everyone to pray for Joe and i hadn't (except for the fall of 2009, i've been an avowed atheist/agnostic my entire adult life). That event, combined with some other life circumstances, had me very close to 'falling down the rabbit hole' of insanity again. Thanks to the psychiatrist, Dr. Laurence Schweitzer, who'd been on call at the hospital where i was transported in November of 2009, and with whom i'd begun to develop a trusting relationship under his subsequent care, i managed to get through the spring of 2011 and following summer without another hospitalization. Nevertheless i felt in extreme distress and needed heavy medication to get through that period of time -- both anti-psychotics and sleeping aids.

In December of 2013, i had cut down my antipsychotic dose to a miniscule level. Dr. Schweitzer advised me at the time to just stop taking this medicine (haloperidol) completely. And so that's what i did. And i managed without it for several months. But in the spring of 2014, i disregarded Dr. Schweitzer's advice to not engage further with my grief over my dead mother. Which led to another psychotic break in early June immediately following a week-long work trip to Cleveland OH during which i swam in Lake Erie every morning. i ended up as an inpatient at the Four Winds facility in Katonah NY for three days right after my 49th birthday.

i no longer believe i'm in danger of another psychotic break. i don't hear voices, but especially over the last week following my reading of _Mend the Gap_ i have a stong feeling that everything happens "as it is supposed to". i don't know for sure what the future will bring, but i'm pretty sure that i will end up a more spiritual being than i ever would have imagined was possible. i have a stong affinity for science, which has not diminished, but i find myself now believing that there is a lot that science doesn't yet explain.

i have recently had Kazimierz Dąbrowski's theory of positive disintegration brought to my attention and have read a bit about it just in the past month or so. i'm not sure exactly where i'm at with regard to this paradigm, but my suspicion is that i'm either experiencing multi-level disintegration, or perhaps even beginning secondary integration. There are other possible "names" for this transformational process: Stanislov Grof referred to it as spriritual emergence; others might label it a Kundalini awakening. Whatever the nature of my transition, it is incredibly profound.

i care deeply about humanity and the planet and the current trajectory we 7 billion + are on scares the hell out of me. i'm not sure how any truly sane person can cope with the existential threats posed by environmental and ecological destruction, and the awfulness of various political strife between different nations, factions and other groupings of persons.

Saving the planet and honoring the Universe fully is imperative. i frankly don't have a clue how to solve such an enormous problem in terms of the specific details. But thanks to Katie Mottram, Eben Alexander IV, Karen Newell and a large number of other authors i've read and also to the many loving friends i've had and the processing/thinking we've done together, i'm convinced that the best way to proceed is to find like-minded folk and combine our energies in order to try to accomplish what seems ultimately to be an impossible task from where i sit near the east coast of the north american continent on Spaceship Earth.

Contradiction is inherent. Practically everywhere. In _Active Hope: How to Face the Mess We're in without Going Crazy_, Joanna Macy & Chris Johnstone advocate adopting the 'hero's journey' paradigm for one's own life, while in _Small Arcs of Larger Circles: framing through other patterns_ Nora Bateson makes a compelling case that 'leadership' is an idea whose time has come and gone due to what we understand about how much everything and everyone is interrelated. While these two thoughts are seemingly at odds with each other, the fact is that they are (at least as i see it) completely reconcilable. Heroes of story, fable and myth all have one thing in common: none of them accomplished their initially seemingly insurmountable goals alone. Universally they assembled bands of varying sizes to aid them in their quest. Bateson makes the point that every famous 'leader' from history or the present was and is not an island, but rather came to be the person they matured into due to the influences of some combination of their communities, families, upbringing, peers, environment and the world itself.

Even the very concept of hope itself is fraught with contradictions. Charlotte Joko Beck, in her book _Everyday Zen_ makes a strong case for "discarding hope" and doing without it completely. And yet Macy and Johnstone put the word in the title of their book on coping. i think the key is the modifier "active" they preceded it with. Passive hope is nothing to strive for or try to use in any way. But by *activating* hope we can overrule Joko Beck's advice, creating a useful tool in the process.

When i was five years old, my parents moved our family from New York City up into the Catskill Mountains of upstate New York. Our nearest real neighbor was more than a mile away from my house, and so i spent a tremendous amount of my childhood out in nature, often accompanied by my beloved viszla Czela. Exploring and fishing and living on a farm, helping out with chores as i got older and being in the woods every fall with the adults for white-tail deer hunting season gave me a lasting understanding of the natural order and interlocking cycles of life. When i was slightly older i became involved in scouting and went on camping trips regularly at all times of the year. i came to appreciate the power and majesty of the seasons as especially winter in these latitudes can be a thoroughly awesome and humbling force. For several years in a row, i also spent a full month each August at Camp Merrowvista in the White Mountains of New Hampshire, where i further developed my love of and connection with nature and wilderness.

During my adult life i gradually fell out of the habit of escaping back into the wilderness. Though in recent years as i've struggled with my mental health, i've been drawn back to nature and have done more hiking, paddling and swimming out under the open skies, which has proved to be as much of a healing force as anything else.

On the morning of the final day of 2018, i was up ridiculously early sitting beside a roaring oak fire i'd made in my back yard. While it was still dark, i set off for the trailhead right where the road closes for the winter which provides access on the "back side" up in the hills between Bear and Race Mountains. i left my vehicle just at first light and while the ground was clear down in the valley and at my home, the surface of the earth was covered with snow up there at elevation. Descending down into Sage's Ravine proper, which is one of my favorite spots on the planet, a wonderful section of the marvelous Appalachian Trail, i found myself profoundly touched by the almost overwhelming beauty around me. The environment spoke directly to my soul and provided me with a calm that was previously inaccessible. As i listened to the Universe talk through the trees, rocks, rushing water, moss, snow and even my own being, i had the sudden realization that my previous bouts with manic states had become part of my past and would no longer intrude on my future. i could feel and almost catch glimpses of entities in amongst the forest and stream. i didn't and still don't completely understand what i experienced, but i see it as an important milestone on my journey to becoming a more stable, able and authentic person. My soul feels day by day that it's getting more and more in tune with the Universe as my purpose here on this planet becomes clearer and clearer. It's still a struggle dealing with so much more unfiltered input with regard to my newly opened perceptions, but i have faith that i'll gradually become more accustomed to the full force of true reality making itself directly available to me in this way.

i've always been drawn to music. Once upon a time i was a competent trumpet player. And nowadays (just in order to amuse, calm and please only myself) i sometimes noodle around on a bass guitar. But the music of others really speaks to me. i can hear and feel the Universe giving me explicit advice through song lyrics:

Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose i gotta be cool, relax None but ourselves can free our minds

The timing of when i hear specific songs has been directing me with advice that seems so obviously tailored to my internal state at that particular time. It's hard to explain, but it's very real and resonant, and gives me confidence that the Universe is actually explicitly guiding me. With love and compassion towards a better instantiation of myself. Even melody, harmony and rhythm speak directly to my soul and i think always have. It's an experience that i'm not really able to explain properly with prose, though none the less real for that.

Let's make this world a better place together.

While the name(s) below that i'm signing these thoughts with are as real for me as any i've ever used, i'm choosing not to put the names that were given me by my parents here. I'm absolutely interested in making contact with any and all of you who've ever wondered if there isn't more that could be done to improve the fate of humanity, the environment, the planet and the Universe. Send me an email at ernstdoubt25@gmail.com or contact me via instagram where i use the handle calloquillick

  namaste, and endless love to all,       ~earnest 'bearfoot' doubt

[bb-loves-boys]

Soon You’ll Come Home Chapter 10

Summary: Blaine and Kurt are married with two kids and at the point of their lives they would never imagine having another child. But then Blaine meets a young girl in the most unlikely way and after he learns about the abuse she suffered he can’t help but want to give her the family that loves and care’s for her like she needs.

Warning: mentioned child abuse, mentions death of Kurt’s mom, Burt, and Finn. 

FF.Net 

AOS3 

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Blaine hated settling into a routine at the hospital. He’s had to do it a couple times now so he believes it shouldn’t be as rough as it still is on everyone. But that’s what they did, while Riley continued her stay at the hospital. Once she received her breathing treatment and spent a couple hours with the IV she was already making a fast recovery and was promised that she would be home before Christmas Eve as long as she continued on the recovery path she was on. Their routine wasn’t anything complicated. Both Kurt and Blaine stayed, with a visit from Sophie and Oliver a couple times, and thy rotated who would stay the night with her. They continued with their usual activities, watching movies, reading books, and coloring. She had become particularly fond of Disney’s Tarzan and was beginning an obsession with “You’ll be in my Heart”, though both Kurt and Blaine would sing any song any number of times if it made her smile the way she did when she heard that song. For reading they started to slowly introduce her to books with American Sign Language in hopes of getting her to communicate, even after spending all this time with them she still tried to be invisible to everyone and wouldn’t even ask for water if she was thirsty.

Declan also became a major role in her recovery. Anything they needed her to do to get better he made it happen. Kurt joked a couple times about making him her private nurse. Blaine still refused to think about how she was so willing to cooperate with Declan, forcing his mind to think that it was a simple attraction to him and not some positive association with someone who looked like him.    

It was supposed to be her last night in the hospital. It was Blaine’s turn to stay and Kurt had already said his goodnights to the both of them, reminding Blaine he will bring a Christmas gift for Declan from all of them when he meets them tomorrow for her discharge. Blaine had just begun to clean up their coloring pages from the day, Riley already asleep with her pacifier in her mouth and rabbit tucked under her arms, when Declan quietly came into the room to check on her.

“How is she doing?” he asked sincerely, starting to check on her IV drips and monitors.

“Just tired, but she was like that before she was sick,” Blaine answered as positively as he could. “Thank you, again for being so patient and understanding with her. Most of the nurses get frustrated with her and some of the resources I’ve seen used in the past to restrain have almost made me give up on caring hospital staff.”

“It was an honor to work with her, and you” Declan replied smiling moving on to help Blaine tidy up all the crayons and pictures that littered the tray table.

“If there is ever anything we can do to say thank you, both Kurt and I would love to show our gratitude.” Blaine asked, hoping he wasn’t stepping on any policy boundaries that could get Declan in trouble.

“Honestly you and your husband have both already done more than enough to help me, and I know I’m not supposed to say but I’m going to anyway. You were both a real inspiration to me and helped me accept who I really was and gave me the courage to be true to who I am. It probably sounds silly, but both of you being open like you were made me feel not so a lone.” He confessed trying to nonchalantly shrug at the end.

“Something like that is never silly and I love to hear we could help at least one person by being a role model for them.” Blaine answered.

It was quiet for a while before Declan cleared his throat and turned his attention back to the drawings, smiling at the family picture she drew. “Is this supposed to be your family?”

“Yeah,” Blaine smiled fondly at the sloppy scribbled drawing of him, Kurt, Sophie, and Oliver in front of their Christmas tree. They only reason he was almost positive it was their family was because of Kurt’s scribbled broach on his blue suite and Sophie’s pink hair. His smile dropped as he looked at the smaller drawing off to the far side, separated from them. From a distance, he assumed she drew herself, but this looked more like a young boy. Her drawings of females were all the same, longer hair that went down instead of up, even Sophie’s hair which was shorter now was drawn in long pink lines. They were also always drawn in skirts or dresses, and less rectangular.

“It’s a good sign,” Declan said interrupting Blaine’s thoughts.

Blaine looked at him questioningly.

“That’s she drawing and that’s she drawing your family. Some kids with bad experiences can’t even express their feelings in any way. Plus, I heard from some of the other nurses her first week here she spent hiding under the table or bed.”

Blaine smiled and placed the drawing in the folder with the others making a mental note to make room on the bulletin board for them when they got home. As he set his bag down he caught Kurt rushing in out of the corner of his eye. At first, he was worried because Kurt was almost running into the room, but then he caught the bright smile on his face.

“Kurt?” Blaine asked more curious then worried.

“Sorry, sorry” Kurt apologized to the older nurse who ran in behind him to lecture him on his running. She rolled her eyes but left the doorway without a word.

“Blaine, Blaine,” Kurt greeted, out of breath. “There’s a big surprise for you and …” he trailed off looking at Riley who was still sniffling a little in her sleep. “Did she just get to sleep?”

“The medicine has been making her tired, but I’m sure we can wake her for a surprise?” Blaine answered very unsure if they should actually wake her.

Kurt, however, takes no hesitation in the idea. “I’m sorry, but can we um” Kurt asked Declan gesturing to her IV’s.

“Oh yes of course,” he answered jumping in and capping off the end of the IV’s before Kurt gently woke up her up.

“Riley, Angel,” he whispered stroking her hand softly, “we have a surprise for you, if you feel up to it?”

She blinked a few times and coughed a little, but allowed Kurt to pick her up and hold her close.

“Should I get her a wheel chair?” Declan asked ready to go find one close by.

“No I got her,” Kurt answered adjusting her in his arms as she rubbed her sleepy face on his shoulder before sneaking her thumb into her mouth, “but thank you.”

Blaine was surprised she even allowed him to pick her up, but maybe she was still half asleep.

As they walked down the hallway Blaine heard the melody of a familiar Christmas tune being played. He side-eyed Kurt suspiciously before following him around the corner into a larger area of the hallway just past the entrance and before all the rooms.

There in the hallway, decorating a new Christmas tree and passing around presents was the old McKinley glee club. Blaine let out a small laugh, a bright smile growing on his face.

“Did you do this?” Blaine asked Kurt making sure his voice didn’t rise above their singing.

“No, Sam put it together when we canceled our usual party we plan for everyone.” Kurt answered watching them with a fond smile. “Ollie and Sophie helped him with getting the permission from the hospital and setting it up as well.”

Kurt began to smile and hum quietly to their song, bouncing Riley gently in his arms, her eyes now open and curious but still resting her head onto Kurt’s shoulder.  

For Kurt and Blaine, the party went well. They caught up with old friends, sang a few numbers for the patients and staff attending the party and helped pass out a few of the gifts.

For Riley, the party was not considered a disaster, but it was great either. She refused to go near or interact with anyone new. Rachel and Tina didn’t help the situation either. They both kept trying to force themselves in and meet her despite Kurt and Blaine’s protests. Neither Rachel nor Tina seemed to understand, they both took it as an offense that Kurt and Blaine didn’t want them to be introduced to Riley, but she was tired and sick and they didn’t want any stress making her worse.  Plus, the party had her somewhat intrigued and they didn’t need her holiday bliss being interrupted by preventable outside forces.

Their plan of protecting her worked at least until Blaine took the stage and Kurt had put her down close to Blaine to sit and watch. Kurt turned his attention to his phone in favor of videoing the two of them, making him miss a determined approaching them with some cookies. Before either Kurt or Blaine could even process what had actually happened between Riley and Rachel, Riley started to have a panic attack, causing them to leave the party before they got to do an official holiday duet.

It was fine. Neither of them minded. Calming Riley down, took a lot longer than they thought she had energy for. Once the panic attack was over she quickly fell asleep, obviously exhausted from all the excitement. Kurt ended up spending the rest of the night with her so Blaine would be able to visit his fans staying in the hospital with some of his old friends as a special Christmas surprise to them.

The next day Riley was scheduled to return home with them. She was still tired from the previous night so changing her scenery wasn’t as much as stress as it had been the first time. They didn’t get home until later in the afternoon due to her final exam and waiting for prescriptions.  Blaine mostly expected to walk into the mess his brother usually left behind and a lot of noise that came with him rehearsing over the sound of his usual day time television shows. However, the place was cleaner than how they left it and unexpectedly quiet.  

“I’ll go start the wash if you’ll put her to bed?” Kurt asked following Blaine in with a bag of Riley’s things she used in the hospital.

“Sure, then we’ll see where the kids and my brother are,” Blaine answered carrying Riley back into her room. She was limp in his arms, forcing him to carry her full weight, though it really wasn’t all that much considering she was still drastically underweight for her age.

He carefully placed her on the bed. He took the chance while she was asleep to rub on vapor rub on her feet before covering them with thick socks. Her feet were severely calloused and blistered. After he finished with the vapor rub he adjusted her to tuck her in under the covers and turning on the humidifier and nightlight. Just as he was leaving the door open a crack and turning the hall light on he could hear Kurt calling for him from the kitchen.

“Blaine, did you forget to tell me something?” Kurt called in sickly sweet voice that usually didn’t mean anything good.

Blaine scrunched his face in confusion before making his way towards the kitchen, he stopped in the entry from his surprise, his eyes wide and expression slightly confused.

“You know, like your mom was going to be spending Christmas with us?” Kurt finished, tight icy smile.

Kurt and his mom got a long fine, but his mom wasn’t always the best mother-in-law. Blaine is her baby and she only wants what’s best for him, which she lets come across as being passive aggressive towards Kurt. As a working mother, she never understood why Blaine would want to be a stay at home father, and she usually tried to blame Kurt for it. She didn’t dislike Kurt, she loved him as much she would with anyone who would be Blaine’s husband. And Kurt didn’t hate his mother, but their relationship would always be rivals, and both their personalities would be a required taste for the other.

“Mamma, what are you doing here?” Blaine asked surprise in his voice.

“Well when I found out it was okay for Cooper to visit for Christmas that it would only be alright for me to be here to meet this very secretive and special new grandchild.”

“Cooper just showed up uninvited, Kurt and I figured being her first Christmas and not officially being adopted yet we should have a small and quiet Christmas.” Blaine tried to explain gently.

“I’m sure Kurt thought that would be best, but Christmas is about family,” she replied stirring some sugar into the tea Kurt just made for her and himself.

Blaine watched Kurt’s hands tighten around his mug at her words.

“Kurt maybe at this point you should just call Carole to come up as well,” Blaine suggest timidly at Kurt’s icy glare.

“At this point it’s probably quieter at her place,” Kurt answered, plastering the tight smile back onto his face. “Besides, Riley is still sick and needs her rest she can’t have all this excitement going on.”

“What a shame she got so sick, I made sure to clean the place properly once I arrived.” Pam tsked, leaving in a silent ‘it wasn’t clean enough before to keep her healthy’.

“Mom, when did you get here, how did you even plan this?” Blaine started asking without stopping.

“I got in early this morning. Cooper was here with Sophie and Oliver. I sent them all out to get something to make a proper Christmas meal when I didn’t see anything to make it and tomorrow is Christmas Eve.”

“Kurt and I were trying to keep it simple with Riley. She still really can’t eat anything and Kurt was going to make a nice ham for us.” Blaine informed trying to get back some control of the original Christmas they planned.

“It’s tradition that I would cook a nice ham and my mother’s recipe for potato’s au gratin, and Carole usually supplies her baked macaroni and cheese because it was Finns favorite and that would be our Christmas Eve dinner and then we have your traditional Christmas dinner at your home the next evening, but canceled plans this year so I decided to make it our Christmas dinner instead.” Kurt informed daring her to change their plans.

“Well, it’s settled we’ll have your Christmas Eve Dinner and my traditional Christmas Dinner. I’ll call Carole to jump on the next flight up.” She decided clapping her hands together before she left the room to call Carole and help her book a flight.

Blaine was almost afraid to look at Kurt after she left. He was surprised to see Kurt looking more exhausted rather than angry or frustrated. Honestly it worried him.

“Kurt, I’m sorry-” Blaine began but stopped when Kurt shook his head.

“It’s alright it was never really the same after my dad passed anyway,” Kurt shrugged trying to make the best of it.

“No, it was-” Blaine started again but was cut off once more by Kurt.

“Maybe this will be a new tradition and we won’t have to worry about traveling anymore. Everyone will come to us,” Kurt simply started taking a breath. “It’s almost time for Riley to take her cough medicine. I’m going to go see if she’s awake yet”

 After Carole was invited by Pam, she immediately called Kurt to make sure it was okay. It took almost twenty minutes to convince her that it was alright to come visit and even then, she said it was probably better for Riley that they schedule a separate visit when she is more willing and ready to meet the family. Kurt appreciated Carole not wanting to crowd Riley, but Blaine could also tell that he missed his family and his only last connection to them was Carole.

The only way to describe how Christmas Eve went was similar to a roller coaster. Riley wasn’t coughing as much as she had been, and she no longer had a fever of any kind. Kurt was even able to get her out of bed for a while. But the moment Pam pushed her way in and introduced herself Riley ran and hid under her bed, which caused Kurt to and her to have an ice war of strong passive aggression on how to “deal” with her and her special needs. When they went to try to convince her to come out she just looked at them with a betrayed expression. To Blaine’s mother’s benefit there wasn’t anything she really did wrong when meeting Riley, she was maybe a little too enthusiastic like the rest of Blaine’s family but it was more about how Riley wasn’t ready to be introduced to so many people yet. She was still getting used to being around Sophie. They got her out from under the bed after she fell asleep; they were able to move the bed slightly enough to pull her out and tuck her in.

That night after everyone had gone to bed and Kurt and Blaine set out the presents Kurt had opted to stay up even later, claiming he would be right behind Blaine he just wanted to look at the tree a little longer. After about forty minutes and still no Kurt Blaine went looking for him thinking he fell asleep. Instead he found Kurt sitting on their sofa flipping through a book.

“Kurt?” Blaine asked worried.

“Oh,” Kurt startled at his voice, obliviously lost in his own thoughts.

Blaine came over and took the seat next to Kurt. “Everything okay?” he asked still concerned.

“Just reminiscing and lost track of time,” Kurt answered looking back at the scrapbook in his lap.

“Is that the last Christmas with your dad?” Blaine asked sliding closer to look at the book.

“Yeah, look how small Ollie was,” Kurt pointed at a picture of Oliver and Sophie sleeping in Burt’s lap and arms.

“Remember how out of control your dad bought buying Christmas presents? We needed to rent a truck just to take all the stuff back with us,” Blaine laughed. “And Sophie was so worried Santa wouldn’t be able to find her.”

Blaine looked up when Kurt didn’t respond to see he had tears in his eyes. “Oh Kurt, what’s wrong?”

“I just miss them a lot this time of year,” Kurt answered his voice wet.

“Your parents?” Blaine clarified reaching to get Kurt a tissue.

“And Finn,” Kurt answered opting to wipe away his stray tears with his hands instead before letting out a small wet laugh. “You know it was his favorite holiday.”

“I remember.”

“My dad never really went all out for Christmas. After my mom passed it was never really anything special anymore. He forgot it the first one without her, and then he tried really hard the next year but it didn’t feel right. He would never know what to get me and I never knew what to get him, so we’d both just order pizza or Chinese and he’d give me a gift card or money.  Then he married Carole and suddenly we remembered what it was like to celebrate Christmas, a big tree, movies, baking, staying in our pajamas all day.”

“Christmas was always fun at your house, so different from my traditional Christmas,” Blaine added a sad smile on his face.

“Finn never admitted it, but he loved when you would spend Christmas with us. He always picked out one of your gifts for you and then just sign Santa so you wouldn’t know it was him.”

“I knew it was him. Burt never wrapped anything and you and Carole always were able to perfectly wrap presents,” Blaine laughed this time Kurt joining him.

They silently flipped through a couple more pages before Blaine spoke again. “Look the kids will be up in only a few hours why don’t we enjoy some hot chocolate and watch Holiday Inn and White Christmas?”

Kurt’s only response was a quick peck on the lips before getting up to start the hot chocolate and pot of coffee.

They fell asleep halfway through the second movie. Blaine only woke back up when he heard Oliver and Sophie bickering about being quiet so they didn’t wake them.

“Too late,” Kurt mumbled next to him shifting as he also woke up.

They both apologized quickly before diving into their overflowing stockings, a traditional rule that they were only allowed to open them without everyone being up. These days their stockings were filled toiletries and necessities.

“I’ll go start breakfast,” Kurt said blinking a little and heading into the kitchen.

“I’ll see if Riley is up and wants to come out,” Blaine said making his way to her room.

She was sitting up in her bed playing with her rabbit when he quietly peeked into her room. He knocked gently on the door to alert her of his presence.

“Morning angel, you ready to see what Santa brought you?” he asked trying to keep the extra enthusiasm from his voice. It’s been a long time since they’ve had a child in the house for Christmas.

She looked unsure at her rabbit for a moment before nodding slowly.

“I’m sure he brought you stuff you’re going to love for being such a good and wonderful child.” Blaine reassured leading her back into the living room.

When she saw everyone already sitting there she took a step towards Blaine and grabbed his hand, placing her thumb into her mouth.

Both Sophie and Oliver wished her a Merry Christmas quietly trying not to overwhelm her.

“Look your stocking is over here, and look how filled it is.” Blaine said trying to encourage her to open it.

She looked at the stocking, then to Blaine, then to Sophie and Oliver, and then to Blaine.

“Maybe you Kurt and I can open it together?” he suggested.

She only looked down ashamed.

After Kurt finished up starting the breakfast, and setting the timer he sat down on the opposite side of Blaine next to Riley to help her with her gifts. They helped her open the first couple after showing her what to do and then watched and encouraged her to do the rest on her own. The advised Oliver and Sophie to continue quietly behind the tree with their gifts. When she finished with her stocking Blaine pulled the rest of her Gifts over, settling her on the floor next to him. When she was present with the first present she simply looked at him and Blaine and hugged her rabbit closer to her looking worried.

“Bunny can help you with the presents,” Kurt reassured her catching on she was worried she would have to give him up.

As she opened the gifts she remained almost expressionless. She touched all of them gently taking her time with it and treasuring it before moving to the next one. After each one Kurt or Blaine would ask her what she got and she would look at them with wide surprised eyes and show them her new book or toy.

After she finished with all her presents she hugged both Blaine and Kurt tightly before handing them each a book and settling in between them, waiting for one of the books to be read to her.

Blaine thought that was the best gift anyone could have given him this year.  

Chapter 11

[kittenwritesstuff]

P.S. I love you - part X (final)

Summary: When your husband, Tony, dies, you are convinced that your life ended along with his. On the day of your 30th birthday you receive a surprise from Tony and with every letter from him, you start to learn how to live on your own - based on a plot of ‘P.S. I love you’ for @hunters-from-stark-tower‘s  3K Celebration Movie AU Challenge. Pairings: Bucky Barnes x reader, Tony Stark x reader (in flashbacks) Warnings: none Words: 1.932 A/N: This is it - the last part. Thank you all for reading and commenting and I hope you’ll enjoy the ending! 

Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V | Part VI | Part VII | Part VIII | Part IX Read on AO3

It took you four days to arrange everything.

First, the place – Yankees’ stadium, you deemed, was the best one since you and your companion both loved them.

Second, the partner. Scott didn’t answer your calls for two days after the lunch fiasco, but after you’ve texted him and apologized from the bottom of your heart. He wasn’t really eager to meet you, at first, but as you were more and more persuasive, he finally gave in and agreed.

Third, the letter. Last letter from Tony is put in your coat’s pocket and as you wait for Scott to arrive, you stroke it with your fingers, feeling as if Tony was encouraging you to do it. To do the right thing.

And you believe that what you are about to do is, indeed, the right thing.

A shadow moves on the tunnel’s ground and you turn your gaze in its direction, your eyes meeting Scott’s confused ones.

“Didn’t know you can book your own game.”

“Not a game, just the place.”

“Look, Y/N, I don’t know what the hell is it all about, but I don’t like it,” he admits sincerely, raising his hands a bit in a defensive gesture.

“Oh, you’re out of your pills?” you jest, and fish the letter out of your pocket. Scott looks at it and gives you a frown, his brows knitted into one above his questioning gaze.

“It’s okay, I want you to read it for me.”

“You sure?”

You nod in reply, tilting your head after you handed him the envelope, the two of you step onto sward and you head onto the platform. When you get there, you wave your hand at Scott, encouraging him to start reading.

He opens the envelope and takes the pages out, unfolding the letter as he clears his throat. He’s unsure about the idea, it’s clear to see but you want to carry on before you can change your mind.

“My dear Y/N,” he begins, his eyes go briefly at you and you nod, pacing the space of the platform, “I don’t have much time. Not literally, you just went out for ice-cream and you’ll be home soon. I have a feeling this is going to be last letter, baby, because there is only one thing left to tell you. I won’t ask you to go down memory lane again, or to buy a lamp. Those things, you can take care of them yourself, without my help. This one is to tell you how much you changed me. You made me a man, by loving me, Y/N. And for that, I am eternally grateful.. literally. If you can promise me anything, baby, promise me that whenever you’re sad, or angry, or unsure or find yourself losing faith – try seeing yourself through my eyes. Thank you for the honor of being my wife. I regret nothing, not even a second. How lucky I am! You made my life, Y/N, you made it better. But I’m just a chapter in yours. And there will be others, I promise.”

Scott takes a shaky breath, visibly touched by Tony’s words and you blink few times, holding back tears. You’re standing still now, waiting for him to finish.

“So here comes the big one. Don’t be afraid to fall in love again. Don’t run away from it. Watch out for that signal, when life as you know it ends. P.S. I will always love you.”

“Alright, Scott, come over here,” you beckon him, your voice a bit unsure but you know it’s right. Tony gave you a blessing, didn’t he? And maybe Scott is the one you should start a new chapter with, even if you didn’t think about him that way before.

He climbs on the platform, standing in front of you, a small grimace on his face.

“Now what?”

“Now you kiss me. That’s it, yeah. Kiss me.”  

“Okay, alright, I’m on it,” he shrugs and leans in, his face coming closer and closer to yours until there is no space between the two of and your lips are pressed together.

You close your eyes, moving your mouth slowly against his, pulling yourself closer to him. Scott moves his hand to cradle your head but in the last moment, he changes his mind and step away.

“Good gracious, it’s like kissing my sister!”

“Oh, thank God, I thought I was the only one feeling like that,” you pant, wiping at your lips and he gazes at you, half-amused, half-repulsed.

“You know, I dreamt about his moment for a while but it was bad. Not that you’re a bad kisser, it’s just…”

“Not right, I know.”

He lets out a breathy laugh, nodding his head.

“So, weird friendship?”

“Yeah, weird friendship sounds perfect. Do you have any plans for New Year’s Eve?”

“No, why?”

You smile softly, taking his hand in yours.

“Will you go to Natasha’s wedding with me?”

He beams, clutching a hand to his chest.

“Like a date?” he chuckles when you nod eagerly. “Sure, just don’t vomit on me.”

“Can’t promise that.”

_____

December 31st

You collapse on your chair, panting heavily after yet another crazy dance with Scott. He’s with Wanda now, swirling her around like a madman, but your sister seems to enjoy it.

A giggle rings from your left and you shift to look at Peggy. She looks absolutely stunning in a green dress Nat chose for her bridesmaids, her baby belly round and adorable.

“Can I stroke your tummy, please?” you plea and she nods, smiling widely when you rest your hand on her stomach.

“You’re be that aunt that will spoil our kid rotten,” she jokes, although affectionately, “and Steve joked you should pat his crotch, too, since he help make this baby.”

“Oh, you want me to touch his crotch, cause I don’t!”

“Naaah, he better be happy with only me patting his crotch.”

The two of you burst into laughter, drawing Steve’s surprised gaze but he only shrugs and continues walking toward Nat and Clint to have a dance with the bride.

Your lips curl into a gleeful smile when you stare at the just-married couple. Clint’s eyes are so full of love and adoration and Nat just can’t stop looking at him as if Clint’s world greatest treasure. They’re going to be so very happy and you couldn’t be happier for them.

“So, you’ve opened your own boutique,” Peggy points and you nod, reaching for a glass of water.

“After taking a loan and countless hours spent on planning the whole thing, yes I have opened my own shoe shop. I’m a designer now, Pegs, remember it.”

“I’m so proud you, Y/N,” she says fondly, stroking your hair and you flash her a warm smile, feeling your heart swell. You can never thank them enough for being your friends and supporting you during last year and you only hope you’re being a good friend to them, too.

All of you have new chapters ahead, but you’re not afraid anymore. Not angry at God that he’s taken away your husband, not sad that you wake up alone. You finally understood what your mother meant when she asked you to stop waiting. You just need to take your life in your hands and squeeze out what you want from it.

And you can’t wait see what more you’re able to wring out.

_____

A month later

Making yourself comfortable, you prop your back against the pillows, placing your notebook on your bended legs. Pressing a pen to the blank page, you begin writing.

“Dear Tony,

You said you wanted me to fall in love again and maybe I will. But not now. There are all kinds of love out there and I need to focus on them, before I take care of mine. This is my one and only life and I want to make the best of it. It’s ugly and hard and short and sometimes terrible, and none of us comes out of it alive. I don’t have a plan – you said once that my plans never work out anyway – expect for one. I want to make my mom laugh again. She’s never seen the world. She’s never been to Ireland. So, yes, I am taking her when we started.

I don’t know how you did it, honey, but you brought me back from the dead. I’ll write to you again soon, pinky promise.

P.S…. guess what?”

You let out a breath as you fold the page and slide it into an envelope. You sign it with Tony’s name and get up, pull out a drawer from Tony’s nightstand and put the letter in there.

With a bright smile on your face, you go the living room and sit before your laptop. It’s time to book the tickets.

_____

Spring

“I’ve never seen so much green in one place,” your mother marvels as you stroll down the country road leading to the Stark’s farm. She seems to be stunned by the landscapes, amazed but content. A smile never once disappeared from her face since you’ve landed in Ireland.

It’s nice to see her smile so much.

“You called them, right?”

“Yes, I did. They said they can’t wait to finally meet you.”

The two of you come closer to the farm, watching as men walk around, from a barn to a big truck parked at the side of the road, stacks of hay in their grasps.

Your mom gives you a nervous glance as you lead her towards the house, walking past workers.

“Y/N?” a surprised voice calls and you look over your shoulder, seeing Bucky exiting the barn with a stack in his hold.

“Bucky!” you cheer, halting as he approaches you.

“Visiting your in-laws again?”

“Yeah, I thought I’d bring my mom to see Ireland, too.”

“That’s grand. Nice to meet you, ma’am,” he bows his head a little, greeting your mom and she looks at you curiously. You’ll have a questioning later, that’s for sure.

Another man approaches you and your mom smiles politely at him when he drops the stack he’s carrying.

“Dad, you okay?” Bucky asks and makes to help his father, but the latter waves a hand at him.

“Not every day I see such a lovely gal, son,” the man says and smiles cheekily at your mom, who, much to your amazement, bursts into a fit of giggles. It’s a sweet, melodic sound and you blink, awe-struck by it.

“See you around, then, Y/N,” Bucky says as he pats his father’s back, hinting that they should get back to work.

“Sure,” you nod and before he goes too far away an idea strikes you. You rummage through your bag and fish out a small notebook, opening it and scribbling your cell number and your e-mail address with a pencil you found in your bag.

“Wait!” you call after him and Bucky turns around after he throws the hay on the truck. “Here. Call me or write me, whatever suits you best.”

You slide the note into a chest pocket of his flannel and he flashes you a warm smile, thanking you. You then come back to your mother, resuming the short walk to Maria’s and Howard’s front door.

When you stand before it, your mom looks at you, evidently excited and you ask,

“ready?”

“Yes, I am. You, darling?”

You take a breath as you raise your hand to press the doorbell, your heart pounding in your chest – not from fear or nervousness, but from excitement.

“I’m ready.”

And damn sure you are.  

[alijohn123]

What to Expect with Laparoscopic Surgery?

If you have actually been following along with our fertility journey here on our blog site & over on our you understand I just recently had 2 laparoscopic surgical treatments. The initial was exploratory to look for endometriosis & the second to get rid of endometriosis. I fidgeted for both, yet more so for the very first exploratory surgical procedure due to the fact that I was my very first time having surgical treatment since I was eight years of ages! For me, getting a concept of what to anticipate, feeling ready & praying is the best method for me to manage my fear & anxiety. Asking questions on social media sites & finding out about lots of individuals's experiences gave me wonderful insight into exactly how to prepare! So, if you're nervous & * need * to know what to expect, I totally obtain it! I'm mosting likely to share an introduction of both surgical procedures + offer you a listing of suggestions listed below. I really hope sharing my experiences with you aids better prepare you for your own surgery. Feel in one's bones that recovery differs person to person & surgery to surgical procedure.

 First surgery:

Exploratory laparoscopy, hysteroscopy & hystersalpingogram to look for endometriosis, in addition to examine my tubes, uterus & bordering organs. laparoscopic surgery

 The day prior to the surgical treatment I had to do a fluids only diet plan & bowel prep.

Not fun, yet not as bad as I assumed. Once it was time to start with digestive tract prep, I required to be home & near a shower room for the remainder of the day. The eve the surgery, I really felt exhausted, psychological, overwhelmed & anxious.

The following morning we reached the medical facility for 10 a.m. to go over eleventh hour paperwork & obtain prepped. They took me back to my outpatient area where I slipped off & put on the health center gown + socks. I expected to be freezing, but fortunately there was a heated blanket awaiting me:-RRB- A little while later on a registered nurse was available in to ask me concerns, do bloodwork & put an IV in. Afterwards they called my spouse back to the space to sit with me. The waiting was no fun ... Surgery was scheduled for 12 p.m., however wound up getting pressed back to 1:30, so I had to wait over 3 hours with my IV in before returning for surgical treatment. I definitely suggest having something with you - book, phone, songs to help you waste time. Listening to praise songs helped me remain tranquil. The anesthesiologist, nurses & my medical professional was available in & bent on discuss paperwork & address any kind of questions.

Finally it was time to get rolled back. They provided me something to relax me & after that whatever obtained hazy very quickly. I hardly bear in mind being rolled right into the OR. Following thing I recognized, I was waking up in recuperation. I hadn't offered much idea to this part, but it was one of the most awful parts of the entire exerperience for me. I was freezing cold, trembling, suffering, whatever was blurry & I could not chat. Pain medications & warm coverings assisted calm me down & after about 20-30 mins my vision improved & I had the ability to connect. Not trying to freak y' full blast, just wanted to share because I want I would have know ahead of time what that would resemble.

They rolled me back to my area where my other half & physician were looking at the surgery results. My medical professional located endometriosis in several areas at about stage 2.5 & an infection in my uterus. Besides that, my tubes & womb & various other organs looked great. She informed us I would certainly have to set up an additional surgical treatment to eliminate the endo & a fibroid. I was really bummed regarding needing to go via everything once more, however grateful to have solutions after years of pain, questioning & infertility.

In recovery, as quickly as I was really feeling good enough to get up to head to the washroom, nausea struck me. They gave me nausea medications in my IV, which functioned well ... momentarily. I was in recuperation for regarding 2 hrs before being released.

 sweetest hubby!

 Certainly bring cushions & a blanket in the vehicle with you for the trip house. I was so tired from the anetheisa & slept the whole hr lengthy drive residence. I additionally brought something to regurgitate in - simply in case, yet luckily really did not require it in the auto. Once I obtained house I went right inside to get comfortable in a recliner chair. We had cushions, coverings & a heating pad all set. I was actually worn out, yet stayed up long enough to consume & take pain medications I really did not have much hunger & heard it was best to consume light the very first few days, so I stuck to poultry soup & crackers for my very first meal after surgical treatment. However, as quickly as the queasiness meds subsided I began vomitting ... which injured my cuts & was miserable! The nausea or vomiting proceeded through the evening but fortunately let up by the following early morning.

I took discomfort medication for very first 2 days. I absolutely recommend taking medications.

for at least the initial 1 day. You don't intend to be miserable & hurting, especially that opening night. I was very aching, weary & weak for the initial number of days, yet generally, recovery from the first lap had not been as poor as I believed it would be. My hubby was residence with me Saturday & Sunday. He maintained me fed, helped me get up + down, monitored my drug, and so on. He returned to work with Monday & I was fine by myself. By day 4 I felt much better & by day 5 I felt actually excellent literally. Emotionally I was actually down & depressed in the days adhering to both surgeries, but luckily that passed with time. My medical professional said that's totally normal, so just intended to share in situation anybody else experiences it. My terrific in-laws & parents maintained + assisted with the kids for both surgical procedures which was so vital & appreciated! Within a week I was feeling basically back to normal besides my incisions requiring more time to recover. 3 weeks later I returned for my 2nd surgical treatment.

 Second surgical procedure:

Laparoscopic surgical treatment to eliminate stage 2.5 endometriosis & fibroid

 prepared to get the endo out!

 Every little thing was practically the same for my second surgical treatment has much as digestive tract prep & health center pre-op. I informed my medical professional about the nausea or vomiting after the initial surgical treatment, so she had the anethesiaologist provide me some anti-nausea medication in the anesthesia & the nurses likewise put a 72 hr anti-nausea spot on me after surgical procedure. Luckily those points worked like a beauty!

My second surgery was longer than the first & I wound up being under anesthesia for nearly 5 hrs. The surgical procedure went as intended & was really successful so grateful!

My medical professional utilized a robotic to eliminate every one of the endo & take out the fibroid. My healing in the hospital wasn't as smooth & fast as the very first time. I arrived at the health center at 5 a.m. (for 7 a.m. surgical treatment) & had not been discharged up until 8 p.m. Longgg day! The hold up was because of my bladder. Before you can be discharged, you have to have the ability to bowel movement on your own. Well, that simply wasn't taking place for me. Long story short, my bladder was essentially still "asleep" from anesthetic. So after about 4+ hrs of trying to take place my very own & lots of splits, I had to have a catheter placed in to drain my bladder ... so fun, y' all ... Thankfully I was able to be discharged quickly after.

[cleargentlemenllama-blog]

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Really the same challenges and which male enhancement pills work opportunities, survival and death co pxl male enhancement exist.At this crucial juncture, Beijing s big economists put forward two big ideas, one called joint stock reform and one called asset restructuring. Finally, the partnership business dividends, engineers have a design fee, he insisted not. For the older generation, it has passed half a century and has accumulated too much http://www.realdealview.com suffering and thoughts of flesh separation. I can only say to you, take the road well.sister.In addition, I would like to tell you an important decision.Although it has already been enrolled, I think it will be considered again and again this year. Xiao Qin found this empty site, only extenze male enhancement reviews she and the pilot face to face when they are a little helpless, see him walking closer to himself, even more anxious and which male enhancement pills work anxious, over time, you please sit, you please sit. Xiao Qin heard unrestrained heart dangling bursts of ripples, eager to meet with a small north, then tell his uncle. To do as I say, to me, to which male enhancement pills work you, to him, and to your unforgettable goodness, are all which male enhancement pills work good. There is just a senior car is entering the gate, the security door for the release of the car, it is too late to close the iron gate to stop the trailing of the crowd, inadvertently leave a big gap. Article IV, the company built a new home mortgage repayment of funds.They do not consider it, because they do not need a house, they need a which male enhancement pills work banknote, and they can not sell it and sell it, even if they get the house over. He first cast his nepotar into an empty shell, then immediately to the price of four million yuan of land, the real estate company is actually acquired by the government acquisition. To this monster of capitalism is fierce auspicious, in the early winter of 1995 AD, Li Jiaocheng and all his relatives, friends, no one can help him best supplements for men out of a surefire idea. Show children had to pull the phone line was able to escape the cream couple turns abusive, but my heart is always on the top, it is difficult to sleep peacefully. 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Her return to live in the mothers house, such as sentenced to death prisoners, waiting for the arrival of that hour. 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When he talks about a post mortem study of his postmodernist which male enhancement pills work time space viewpoints which male enhancement pills work after he himself was inexplicably meticulously fulfilled, he decompressed, tension relaxed and terror was eliminated. I wanted to have him included, so safe and natural male enhancement Ye Hao, a corpse rotted in my hometown.I did not expect him to be alive. She could not help but say a poem.He looked at her in which male enhancement pills work astonishment, and that meant black ant male enhancement to say how you felt and expressed, and I did not understand it. Her distraught, not eating, no sleep, Rui Juan earnestly persuaded, broken beads like shed tears of sympathy. 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Really the same challenges and which male enhancement pills work opportunities, survival and death co pxl male enhancement exist.At this crucial juncture, Beijing s big economists put forward two big ideas, one called joint stock reform and one called asset restructuring. Finally, the partnership business dividends, engineers have a design fee, he insisted not. For the older generation, it has passed half a century and has accumulated too much http://www.realdealview.com suffering and thoughts of flesh separation. I can only say to you, take the road well.sister.In addition, I would like to tell you an important decision.Although it has already been enrolled, I think it will be considered again and again this year. 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Article IV, the company built a new home mortgage repayment of funds.They do not consider it, because they do not need a house, they need a which male enhancement pills work banknote, and they can not sell it and sell it, even if they get the house over. He first cast his nepotar into an empty shell, then immediately to the price of four million yuan of land, the real estate company is actually acquired by the government acquisition. To this monster of capitalism is fierce auspicious, in the early winter of 1995 AD, Li Jiaocheng and all his relatives, friends, no one can help him best supplements for men out of a surefire idea. Show children had to pull the phone line was able to escape the cream couple turns abusive, but my heart is always on the top, it is difficult to sleep peacefully. 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Her return to live in the mothers house, such as sentenced to death prisoners, waiting for the arrival of that hour. 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When he talks about a post mortem study of his postmodernist which male enhancement pills work time space viewpoints which male enhancement pills work after he himself was inexplicably meticulously fulfilled, he decompressed, tension relaxed and terror was eliminated. I wanted to have him included, so safe and natural male enhancement Ye Hao, a corpse rotted in my hometown.I did not expect him to be alive. She could not help but say a poem.He looked at her in which male enhancement pills work astonishment, and that meant black ant male enhancement to say how you felt and expressed, and I did not understand it. Her distraught, not eating, no sleep, Rui Juan earnestly persuaded, broken beads like shed tears of sympathy. So, he dialed Xiaoqinzi s duty room phone, ask her to ask.Small which male enhancement pills work celery readily agreed, the blind purchase of the phone also hasty hang up, top male enhancements pills he did not even ask which male enhancement pills work Xiao Qin good, which makes her too sad. This time seriously, I flew to Shanghai tomorrow night and you thought so well.I waited for your reply. Gold baby flowed a lot of blood, breath, ask me to go to the hospital to save him a life, later repay. Ochomaki also go down from that hill, far see him fell a limbs overturned, holding a sweat for him. However, he may not remember you Blind suddenly frustrated.Xiao Qin quickly blocked You which male enhancement pills work do not blind idea, to be nonsense, not to which male enhancement pills work say what, I find again Zhen total. Really the same challenges and which male enhancement pills work opportunities, survival and death co pxl male enhancement exist.At this crucial juncture, Beijing s big economists put forward two big ideas, one called joint stock reform and one called asset restructuring. Finally, the partnership business dividends, engineers have a design fee, he insisted not. For the older generation, it has passed half a century and has accumulated too much http://www.realdealview.com suffering and thoughts of flesh separation. I can only say to you, take the road well.sister.In addition, I would like to tell you an important decision.Although it has already been enrolled, I think it will be considered again and again this year. Xiao Qin found this empty site, only extenze male enhancement reviews she and the pilot face to face when they are a little helpless, see him walking closer to himself, even more anxious and which male enhancement pills work anxious, over time, you please sit, you please sit. Xiao Qin heard unrestrained heart dangling bursts of ripples, eager to meet with a small north, then tell his uncle. To do as I say, to me, to which male enhancement pills work you, to him, and to your unforgettable goodness, are all which male enhancement pills work good. There is just a senior car is entering the gate, the security door for the release of the car, it is too late to close the iron gate to stop the trailing of the crowd, inadvertently leave a big gap. Article IV, the company built a new home mortgage repayment of funds.They do not consider it, because they do not need a house, they need a which male enhancement pills work banknote, and they can not sell it and sell it, even if they get the house over. He first cast his nepotar into an empty shell, then immediately to the price of four million yuan of land, the real estate company is actually acquired by the government acquisition. To this monster of capitalism is fierce auspicious, in the early winter of 1995 AD, Li Jiaocheng and all his relatives, friends, no one can help him best supplements for men out of a surefire idea. Show children had to pull the phone line was able to escape the cream couple turns abusive, but my heart is always on the top, it is difficult to sleep peacefully. 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[thrashermaxey]

On This Day Last Year I Received a Stem-Cell Transplant

An update, one year later, on the health and recovery of the founder Darryl "Dobber" Dobbs from MDS/AML.

  On August 30, 2017, one year ago today, I received stem cells from a world donor who was found to be a perfect match. Finding a perfect match was extremely fortunate as many people have to settle for half-matches or worse, which decreases the likelihood of successful grafting in your body. In May, 2017, I had been diagnosed with Myelodysplastic Syndrome (MDS), which is a cancer of the bone marrow, and after a month of “lighter” chemo treatments it had expedited to AML (leukemia) and I had to be admitted to hospital.

Today is a day for celebration and a day for reflection. I celebrate because the hard part is over and I have come out of it happy and healthy. I reflect because I honestly haven’t done so. As soon as I left the hospital I put it behind me. I’d think about or discuss it as “that time I was in the hospital” but my mind would gloss over and ignore what went on in there and all the things I went through. Like a locked compartment in my brain. To think about it just causes me to tear up so the easy solution is to not think about it.

Last year I told everyone that when (not if) I made it to one year post-transplant, I would disclose the survival rate that my hematology doctor gave me. Before I could sign off on receiving the stem cell transplant, I had to acknowledge that I was given the three-year survival rate of a man in my age group with my symptoms that were given the same stem cell transplant. So here I am and here it is. It was 40%. I was given that number and then had papers put in front of me that I needed to sign before they would make preparations. Forty percent three-year survival rate after this transplant. And I signed it because non-treatment would mean certain death, likely within a year. It was too late to seriously consider homeopathic or other solutions (I had already jumped on those, as I’m a big believer in trying everything if it can’t make things worse).

So then I was admitted to hospital in July for nearly four weeks. To start off – I had a Hickman line put in my chest. This is a tube that leads to a main ventricle going to my heart. This way, instead of getting 100 needles per day, they can hook it up to me directly. I actually got my stem cells through this tube. The tube remained hanging from my chest until New Year’s Eve.

Most of the chemo happened in the first week. But it was a rough chemo – the kind you hear about with the vomiting, etc. But I was one of the stronger patients who could actually get back to eating after a few days. I was a picky eater with what I could (or wanted to) hold down, but I have family who supported me and ran around the city getting whatever I asked for. On August 19 I was released from hospital for five days, but on the 19th I had been given a lumbar puncture for spinal fluid and it resulted in a massive neck ache for three of those five days, kind of sucking the fun out of my brief home time. But I did what I could to spend time with my kids because the next phase meant that I couldn’t see them.

I was back in the hospital on August 24, after a “last dinner” with the wife and kids at a restaurant. Then it was a different chemo per day on the 25th – 28th. After that, on the 29th, was full radiation. This killed everything in my marrow both good and cancerous, and left me with zero immunity. And on August 30 I was reborn. With no immunity to fight these “invading” stem cells, the hope was that it would be accepted into my body and that within two weeks it would become new marrow and start creating healthy blood (picture of the donated stem cells on the right). This was helped along by different doses of different chemos, just making sure that none of my body’s defenses would fight or hinder the process. I actually maintained a decent appetite, one of the better cases for sure. Although around Day 10 I had sores in my mouth that everyone gets from one of the chemos or the radiation (I forget which) that forced me to eat pretty much through a straw. But this only lasted four days (most people this can last a week to 10 days so again – lucky).

I had a little exercise bike and was also encouraged to walk around the isolated ward (with a mask). I was able to go once around by Day 10, and then each day I would try to add to that – twice, three times, etc. My entire time in the hospital the nurses (one and all – amazing amazing amazing people and unbelievably patient and helpful and how can they stay so cheerful? Wow) took my vitals every two hours (every hour the first while after the transplant), even overnight. I remember over two dozen blood transfusions. I remember working on the Fantasy Guide here and there on the laptop when I was able, but had relied on my team for updates and helping out with the many customer issues that cropped up – specifically Mario Prata, Mike Clifford, Ian Gooding, Neil Parker, Mike Hiridjee, Cam Robinson and Riasat Al Jamil. I remember having to drag the damn IV pole around on my walks, or into the bathroom. I remember binge-watching Justified, and all the Mission Impossible movies, and watching Suits and Ozark when my wife visited. And Family Guy. I remember the KFC Zinger, Dominos pizza, and McDonalds nuggets – cravings of things during times when the stomach was delicate, and these greasy items actually worked!

On September 19 I was released from hospital. Possibly in record time, but certainly close to it. But on September 18 the isolation order was lifted and you know what I did? I had my wife bring the kids. At the time I had just found out that I was probably going to be released the next day and would see the kids anyway, but I hadn’t seen them in a few weeks and I wasn’t going to wait another day. We just hung out in the visitor’s room and played a couple of games, ate ice cream and then we all gathered to work on a big puzzle as a family. I remember on the rooftop patio raising my six-year-old Mackenzie to see over the rail down below – and I remember not having the strength to similarly lift my eight-year-old Avery to do the same (a reminder of how weak I was).

The next day I did indeed get released. I would never forget the hugs the kids gave me when they got off the bus that afternoon. I remember trying so hard to get home in time to do that and just making it by mere minutes.

From that point I would go to Princess Margaret for twice weekly checkups. My immunity was like that of a newborn so I needed to sterilize a lot and avoid crowds. Getting sick could mean breaking the graft and losing my donor’s cells, which would mean either starting all over again or dying. I was able to sit at the computer for as long as an hour. I tried working out right away, starting with 20 sit-ups and 10 minutes on the treadmill. I remember my stomach muscles killing me the next day so after learning that lesson, I started with five sit-ups and five minutes on the treadmill! And then I would add one sit-up each day and one minute on the treadmill each week.

But then I had a setback. The Epstein-Barr Virus is a virus that everyone has and easily fights it off. But I got it in November and couldn’t fight it. I was exhausted all day, couldn’t do any work and would miss workouts after I had built them up to 40 sit-ups and 15 minutes on the treadmill. So I was given a form of chemo every Friday for three weeks until it was gone. That was it for the setbacks. In mid-December I was back working out, had regained 10 pounds (I had lost 25) but still had no hair. By February I was down to every two weeks for hospital checks, and by March I was doing full workouts and at monthly hospital checks (where I am at today). And my hair returned (“hair” being a relative term for this bald guy – haha).

Today I can go to the movies. I still need to avoid crowds when I can and getting sick is still not a good idea, of course. But I’m out of the red zone and into more of a yellow zone. I feel good and have no restrictions in terms of my abilities. Today I savor more in life, show more patience, and hug my children even more than before.

I can also, if the donor is willing, discover the name and location of the person who saved my life. And I will be thanking that person will all my heart.

I also want to thank Mario, Mike, Mike, Ian and Riasat for making things so much easier for me. I don’t think the readers even noticed a difference in terms of the websites and fantasy guide, and many didn’t even know I was sick – that’s how seamless they made everything.

A big thank you to my wife, who was steadfast by my side, and took care of everything at the house with the kids at the same time. And who made me meals to whatever I could handle, or bought them for me if that was what it took. My parents and sisters. My sister-in-law who worked near PMH and so she came to see me every day and also ran around buying whatever craving I had. (I remember she once took me up to the rooftop patio to eat food that I requested and she bought. I remember fainting there and she had to round up help and get me into a wheelchair and wheel me back to my room for another transfusion. Good times.)

And finally, I want to thank my friends and my readers, often one and the same. Your positive messages on social media and on my website had an unbelievable impact, often making me tear up with hope. Throughout my hospital stay I would go back and read them, drawing inspiration from the ones who have gone through similar or know somebody who has. And instead of sales suffering because I wasn’t there to market my Guide or oversee everything – sales actually increased as readers rushed to support me. You kept visiting the site even though at the time I wasn’t writing or contributing to it. So financially, my family was still taken care of and not having that worry was tremendous. And that was thanks to your effort as a group.

Here’s to continued positive news over the next year and beyond. Feeling lucky and blessed.

DD

    from All About Sports https://dobberhockey.com/hockey-home/the-dobotomy/on-this-day-last-year-i-received-a-stem-cell-transplant/