#essie's rant tag

[essievx]

how trying to feel better makes me feel worse, and how trying to survive just makes me want to die

i have a myriad of health issues that make me feel like a ticking time bomb. if i let something go in favor of another treatment because it no longer feels urgent, it'll start creeping up on me again. depression, pcos, acid reflux, acne. it's a cycle of feeling better and feeling worse, getting blamed for being inconsistent with treatment, but never really having the resources to fully see anything through.

i stopped going to my psych a few months ago as we finally stopped the meds (after ~1 year+!!), but i still haven't found a therapist. i never really hit it off with the ones i've met in the past. i guess it's an incompatibility with the approaches used, or the way they speak makes me shrink. my psychiatrist is rad though—i was able to stick with her for a year without realizing, so i know she's cool.

even so, she has her own limitations. i want to get diagnosed for adhd and autism after a lifelong battle of trying to figure out, what the fuck is wrong with me? but this requires a full-blown assessment that costs an arm and a leg, even with how much i make. and even then, what if it doesn't confirm any of my suspicions? what if my mind's just making things up all along?

speaking of health professionals that just make me feel small, let's talk about ob-gynes. i love how they're so good at making their patients feel like utter shit.

i have insulin-resistant pcos, an unmarried woman with no kids, and they make me feel like i'm the most disgusting piece of shit to walk this earth for being fat, for having gone on contraceptives in the past so i can, oh i don't know, avoid teenage pregnancy, and for only seeking help later on in life.

if i didn't need a prescription for the meds to manage this i probably would have just stopped trying to see a doctor. i'm doing my best to improve my quality of life, but why do they make me feel like i should have done it yesterday and i'm stupid for even trying now?

it was actually funny because the doctor was like, oh don't worry if you're not getting your period because of pcos! you can still get pregnant like... lady. getting pregnant is the last thing i want right now, especially when i'm this mentally unstable and i haven't even done a single thing in my 20s worth writing home to aside from surviving a global pandemic.

having my own kid and starting a family is great in theory, but the idea terrifies me because i feel like an overgrown child, and children don't have any business taking care of other children. i don't want to become like my parents, the ones who gave me all this baggage i still carry many years down the road. i know there's no such thing as a perfect parent, but i'm hardly anything decent either, if the way i treat my younger siblings is anything to go off on.

i have around a decade to go before getting pregnant becomes risky for me or the proverbial fetus i'll carry in my body, and even if i push the timer to its limit, what becomes of me after i birth it? do i just work myself to death for another living being the way my parents did for me? i already hate myself enough as it is.

i keep on overthinking it because i'm not committed to a childfree lifestyle, but i'm also not 100% sold on having a child. i don't want to lose that window of opportunity, but i also don't want to tie myself down. i don't want to do myself a disservice, but i don't want to be unfair to my partner, either. it's like i have to decide whether i want to do this or not so i can plan my life around it, or else i'll curse myself when it catches me off-guard.

anyway, i think i'm dying. i'm trapped in this stupid flesh prison just waiting for it to all end. i can't see myself getting thinner, healthier, or happier. the numbers just keep on going up. my body is slowly falling apart, i've gotten sick more than 3 times in the past month alone, and my mind has never truly known peace.

i'm doing what i can but i don't really feel any better, and the people around me don't seem to appreciate the effort i put in either, so there's no sense of gratification at the end of all the time, money, and effort i put into treatment. i can't do it for myself, when the self wants nothing more than to disappear like salt dissolving in water.

[ranboo5]

Anyway [stretches] under a cut because it got Long as usual; tl;dr at the bottom

The thing abt c!Ranboo is his motivation and his actions don’t always align and that is bc of the eternal nature of c!Ranboo as living in a society and Balancing Priorities. He is always self-compromising in its relationships w/ others; more often than not when it agrees to do smth with someone it is doing it not bc it believes in the cause but because it has priorities it needs to mitigate. (Ranboo has not believed in any of the causes put forth by Someone Else in their life the closest they get is the Syndicate and even there it’s only reassured to bc it is reassured it can share opinions)

This starts off wayyyy early with it agreeing to help grief despite not really having a personal reason to do it, and with it collaborating w/ New L’Manberg even through things like the Butcher Army. It consistently does not want to be seen as In Opposition. It works with Tmmy and Techno in large part bc it doesn’t want to come off as opposed 2 them, and bc it has personal investment (+guilt) in Tmmy. Ranboo will literally act like this

- as self preservation - out of a desire to help+spare the feelings of ppl it doesn’t trust to negotiate with - especially later, so it can try to mitigate the parties it’s collaborating w/ -- if he’s involved in the effort, he has more traction 2 attempt to mitigate anything terrible it might do (even when most of the time he doesn’t manage to do this)

This is part of why he initially joined th Syndicate and this is why he worked with Wilbur over th course of the burger arc. Some combination of this is also why he works w/ Dream, smth that is frequently overlooked in Ranboo Analysis; Ranboo volitionally[1] collaborates w/ Dream despite, obviously, having a lot of Active Dislike for Dream and what he is doing, out of a combination of a) he would not want 2 frame himself as Opposed To Dream in any interaction w/ Dream, b) he is generally sympathetic and pitying, c) ideological agreement w/ some aspects of Dream’s goals, and d) desire to mitigate/stay close to Dream. Ranboo keeps his friends close and enemies closer 2 some degree

His relationship w/ Tbbo is not an exception to this it is part of the pattern. It’s just one that has much more present, personal, and consistent stakes. Ranboo complies w/ Tbbo the same way he complies w/ the Syndicate when he’s worried they’re threatening, the same way he complies w/ NLM, the same way he complies w/ Wilbur in the burger arc, th same way he complies with Tmmy early on, the same way he complies w/ Dream offscreen. This is a Known Tactic Ranboo pursues; their project is ultimately of survival and compassion and survival and compassion are both things they have to sacrifice to keep

Tbbo is a unique priority to Ranboo almost in the same way all of the aforementioned r slightly different, unique priorities; in Tubbo’s case, Ranboo is extremely invested in keeping Tbbo safe from others and from Tbbo’s own self with a particular fervor for a very long time. I’m not rehashing the entire beeduo meta here but Ranboo does have particular interest and a particular prioritization for Tbbo for a long ass time; arguably post-NLM and thru burger arc, Tbbo is its first priority bc Ranboo loves him and has convinced itself it’s the only one who can fix him and has also mostly-correctly observed that no one has really been looking out for him. Tubbo is an urgent target in Ranboo’s projects of compassion and of survival both

When those stakes r released, tho, in the burger van conversation (the “you weren’t happy before?”) Ranboo no longer has Tbbo at the same priority level irt the project of survival especially, and, despite how guilty and upset it makes them, prioritizes their 5D chess game with Wilbur instead (ironically sacrificing a solid chunk of its project of survival). Its motives @ the end of Ho16 r commonly cited as being abt Tbbo but that’s not entirely what he says and if it was Ranboo HAS the kind of analytical presence of mind to know that it Killing Himself doesn’t help Tbbo as much as it deals with Wilbur

Ho16 is abt Ranboo winning aforesaid 5D chess game; Tbbo is only part of the stakes 4 that and Mitigating Tbbo is no longer Ranboo’s top priority w/ that. Ranboo’s final monologue is more than anything reminiscent of his earlier arguments about sides and collateral. It’s part of the larger project of compassion, and it’s about the distorted version thereof tht comes with Ranboo getting stuck in its head and its machinations, too; like Tbbo is important to Ranboo and the carelessness abt Tbbo is something unacceptable but to claim Ranboo’s motivations revolve around Tubbo specifically is reductive of his other relationships and actual larger ideological motivations 

I have a problem w/ framings of this as positive/romantic devotion that amkes Ranboo better or as devotion at all bc repeatedly it is shown it makes him Worse, and is in fact the opposite of devotion it's disingenuous by nature. Ranboo is lying. This is so essential to all of this when Ranboo acts like he is in step with you specifically he is lying you are never guaranteed to be the priority. This is him at his worst, th project of compassion at its most compromised, and it’s a state that they explicitly don’t like. Ranboo does not like compromising itself and when they do that they Get Hurt (NLM and outpost arc having the most confabulation we’ve seen in Ranboo in general, Ranboo hating himself for this, Ranboo complying w/ shit like the experiments, Ranboo in all these environments where he is playing this being Constantly Markedly Afraid)

Even throughout the time period where Tbbo is technically priority #1 Tbbo is still . Priority Number One as opposed to like a genuine devotion. Tbbo having a handle on Ranboo in this way is not devotion it is fear and it is again not a mechanism tht Ranboo Only engages for Tbbo it’s just a mechanism, that again IS BAD FOR RANBOO BOTH IRT MENTAL HEALTH AND MORALITY, that has thru circumstance become one tht Tbbo is best at unintentionally activating. Ranboo Does This When You Are His Project. And When He Had A New Project Aside From His Husband That’s What He Did To Him

TL;DR

Ranboo does comply with Tubbo in various activities tht he doesn’t believe in but this isn’t ? Unique to Tbbo this is just Ranboo’s general socialmeta+ what allows it to move in the world the way it does

Ranboo cares about Tubbo deeply and this is relevant to his motivations but that’s only one part of his larger motivations

It’s also honestly not great to frame this complianceas romantic or good bc it’s actively smth that Makes Them Worse in multiple senses

It takes out a ton of Ranboo’s decision making and the negative effects thereof

Anyway stream

[1] No, one dumb as fuck line from Dream Of All People in that lame ass excuse for a finale does not negate All The Things In CRanboo’s Story including working w Dream being part of this consistent pattern, Ranboo’s story being abt agency responsibility and decision in such a way tht it is completely undercut by mind ctrl plots, Ranboo’s ideological agreement w Dream on some matters, the alliumduo parallels, and everything we do know abt the enderwalk as a concept and Ranboo how he acts in and out of it

[11queensupreme11]

TAGS

#👸🏻| asks

contains questions and my answers. simple as that

#👸🏻| rambles

this consists of random rambles, rants, theories, and meta about anything and everything. click here for an organized masterpost.

#👸🏻| recs

this is a list of recommendations i have. stems from anime recs, manga recs, fic recs, book recs, etc. also comes with my own review of them, but don’t expect anything professional-sounding. it’s literally just me fangirling. click here for an organized masterpost.

#👸🏻| writing

go here to check in on my writing progress for certain fics. any sneak peeks will be on there too!

#👸🏻| essie series

this tag includes any post that has to do with my hp/pjo series. you’ll see headcanons, oneshots, asks, sneak peeks, etc

#👸🏻| tsunami

this tag includes any post that has to do with my yandere!jjk book, tsunami. you’ll see headcanons, oneshots, asks, sneak peeks, etc. click here for an organized masterpost.

#👸🏻| arsenic blues

this tag includes any post that has to do with my pjo/ror book fic, arsenic blues. you'll see headcanons, oneshots, asks, sneak peeks, etc. click here for an organized masterpost. cont.: pt 1, pt 2,

[prenvii-moved]

just went crazy over an article calling haa a self sabotage album

[pmvstump]

@staff arrest my gf essie called me m*mmy

[shineesfive]

ngl, whenever i see bans/temporary bans on rps, i feel so grossed out.  it discourages muse/new people from joining.  i have wanted to join rps before but not been allowed to with a certain gender and joined with a completely different fc/gender than what i originally had planned, meaning that i have so little muse to begin with.  sighs . but y’all keep doing them .

[howling--fantods]

Ah this RPS thing… I don't think there's anything wrong with having little "headcanons" as long one can tell fiction from reality. And I don't think there's anything wrong with fan fictions/arts since they're fictional and creativity shouldn't be censored. But of course not everyone is comfortable with this kind of content, so warnings/tags are necessary to make sure people who don't want to see them do not come across them by accident. (1/2)

So it’s definitely not okay to straight up ask the person involved about it since that would be shoving it under their nose. So yeah… That’s my take on this matter… Sorry for spamming your asks… Have a lovely weekend! X (2/2)

for the most part i totally agree with you, i think most of it is harmless and isn’t meant to ever reach the people involved and is just fans having a little fun. the problem with gramon is that it is RELENTLESS and people constantly bug graham about it bc he is uncomfortable and the fans don’t want that to be true. even in the post from last night the person asked graham directly, he said it made him feel uncomfortable and shitty, and the person still came to the conclusion that he was wrong. and he always is fielding questions about it, he keeps saying, “no you don’t understand, it wasn’t like that, we were like brothers” and people won’t take that as an answer bc in the 90s they made out and stuff, WHILE HE WAS SHITFACED. it is so inconsiderate in context, he is a recovering alcoholic and ppl keep showing him this shit that happened when he was using, jumping to conclusions about things even when he says flat out that it wasn’t like that.

i think it is completely inconsiderate of both graham and damon’s current relationships, especially graham’s bc he is so obviously not okay with it. there are ppl who will say every song graham wrote was about damon, which is simply untrue, i can honestly only think of one that might be. graham has this whole life away from blur, he has worked so hard for it, he and essy have such a lovely little family, and yet the fans don’t want to celebrate that as much bc it isn’t damon? he is so much happier now! i also think that something really sad about fandom culture that a relationship is only seen as meaningful if it is sexual. damon and graham DO have a really lovely friendship and it doesn’t have to have been sexual for that to be true. there are a lot of things about their friendship that is about pure love that is just as sweet and meaningful seen platonically, perhaps even more so! there is so much to celebrate about gramon even without the sexual component.

i don’t think graham is going on AO3 to check or anything and i know a lot of people who write fics that are actually quite lovely (even the sexual ones) and dont want graham EVER to find them bc they know it upsets him. i think that these fans are trying their best to be considerate and that writing fics is just a fun thing that is meant to be harmless. they always write warnings and are clear about the it being pure fiction. but continuing to insist that what he says isn’t accurate isn’t cool. and fanart is fine too but if you are gonna send it directly to graham then don’t make it reflect the parts of the relationship he has said are untrue. i don’t believe censoring ppl is okay but constantly harassing someone about something they have explicitly said is untrue and makes him uncomfortable is not.

ahhhhhhhhhh sorry for the rant!! thanks for your input and i do agree with you for the most part, the fans just really need to chill about gramon and stop bugging graham about it. i hope you have a lovely weekend too!!

[focsle]

I was tagged by @essie-essex​ for this writer’s meme. Thank you!! I tag @princeofmorley​, @bladeverbena​, @zwartezwaluw​ and anyone else currently working on something who wants to do it!

NAME: SJ AGE: 27 PRONOUNS: they / them HEIGHT: 5′6′’ NATIONALITY: American BIRTHDAY: November 16th AESTHETIC: - fog - waterlogged places - urban decay - ruins in general - historic houses particularly around late afternoon, when it’s raining, or winter nights - the sound of a ship creaking, and waves on the hull - afternoon forests, particularly mossy ones - somber cellos - antiques - carnivals - ghost stories - the cursed possessions of antiquarians - birdsong - campfire smell - the sea - old medicine - curiosity cabinets - when it snows - dreamscapes

LAST SONG YOU LISTENED TO: Patty West - Rant & Roar

FAVORITE CHARACTERS YOU’VE  WRITTEN: (in no particular order) Michael De Montfort (Going to Weather) Vandorus Lasuri (Lacrimore) Anson Lydstern (various…but if I get enough money…he’ll have his own historical comic)

With the exception of Anson, who is a GOOD BOY, I’m really partial to my villain-protags.

WHAT INSPIRED YOU TO WRITE: I just really like telling stories. I’m like writing things that place someone in a very grounded setting, with very grounded people. I’m not so much interested in creating a tight plot, with twists and epic consequences, and more interested in making someone feel like they’re in a Place

That might be a byproduct of what I do for my job, which is storytelling in historical museums / in a historical capacity. You can collaborate with your setting. You can connect the story of a person to the physical creak of the floorboards, or the summer heat that settles into the room, or the darkness of winter falling outside. And that creation of space is really what I want to bring into my work.

I’m also really interested in just exploring the complexities of people. I’m interested in their psychology and contradictions, and their simultaneous kindnesses and cruelties. A lot of times I use them to understand parts of myself, or work through parts of myself. Like, Michael and Richard’s initial inception in Going To Weather was just…taking all the traits I disliked about myself at the time and trying to work through them. I like exploring my dreams too. I find the settings of them so exciting I want other people to see them, so that’s what I’m trying with Lacrimore.

WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE ASPECTS OF YOUR CURRENT WRITING: My characters. I think they’re fully rounded people. I hope that even the difficult ones can be understood in WHY they’re overly difficult or nasty. My favorite parts of writing are the interactions between characters, dialogue, things like that.

WHAT’S YOUR BIGGEST INSPIRATION WHEN IT COMES TO WRITING: All the aesthetic things I listed above are inspirations. I pull from all of those when I’m writing, and I try to capture a lot of those IN my writing.

Right now I’m just looking to Mervyn Peake for everything, because all his books are all about positioning the reader in a fully realized (but completely weird) setting, with fully realized (but completely weird) people. It’s an Experience.

FAVORITE TYPES OF STORIES: I like really dense prose. I’m looking for a certain poetry in the things I read. I like unexpected descriptions of familiar things that I never would have connected together but once they’re connected it’s perfect. I like reading about worlds very much unlike my own (but very much unlike anyone else’s too.) and getting the chance to explore them. My favorite books have been the sort of books where I can’t think of any other book like it. Titus Groan and Gormenghast, Imajica (which I re-read recently and had more Issues with but I can still never pull that book from my mind regardless) Moby Dick…

BIGGEST STRUGGLE IN REGARDS TO YOUR CURRENT WRITING: Plot lol. I’m real good at creating rooms, and creating characters to put in the rooms, and creating conversations for them to have in the rooms…but really moving shit forward and ending the story in a satisfying way it’s…VERY CHALLENGING FOR ME. And also one of the most important things. I don’t want, at the end of my stories, for someone to feel like they wasted their time. That’s my biggest anxiety.

[lonelier-version-of-you]

It is! If you ever do have anything constructive to say about it, please feel more than free to message me or tag me...

Also:

Now I feel kind of bad for making it sound like I hate the "three things" scene. I love it - it's beautifully written and Guy Henry's performance was amazing. I suppose I just rant about it too much because of the "no one uses labels anymore" line, and because of the purpose it served in the story - i.e. as one little conversation to cure all Henrik's internalised homophobia and make him totally OK with starting a relationship with Russ. The handling of Henrik's internalised homophobia in S23E43 is fantastic. It's what came afterwards that bothers me.

Even there, perhaps I'm being a hypocrite. I mean, Report To The Mirror part 1 plays out the same way. Essie tells Henrik his feelings for John could be "something positive". Henrik then immediately goes and approaches John and asks if John has feelings for him too.

I guess the thing is that S23E43 takes place in a very different context to me. It's after the Gaskell betrayal, which canonically forced Henrik back into the closet. And it's not long after the exposure of Henrik's CSA, which, you know I accept none of that storyline as canon anyway because it contradicts the 10+ years of canon that came before it. As a fan, I don't take any of that story into consideration; but as a viewer, seeing months of Henrik struggling with this trauma, struggling with how it made him hate his bisexuality, only for him to then turn around and be totally OK with starting a relationship with another man because he had one little conversation about it with Serena... that does not ring true to me and it seems incredibly strange how the show just brushed everything under the carpet like they did.

I do love the Serena and Henrik friendship, though. Same as I love the Dom and Henrik friendship, or the Malick and Henrik friendship (really appreciating that one so much more as I rewatch Henrik's early episodes), or the Jac and Henrik friendship.

And he definitely did see that Serena was in love with Bernie from early on. He also totally shipped them. :) (And yeah, I mean, if Henrik had never hired Bernie, none of Berena would ever have happened.)

Holby City S20E06: Not Your Home Now

Serena Campbell, I presume.  What can I do you for, Professor Gaskell?

[essievx]

cog in a machine

there's gotta be something more to life than having to put up with shitty HR policies that favor the company stealing money from its workers, recruiters without a shred of proper etiquette and should not be given people-facing jobs, and hiring managers who ghost internal applicants after promising to set up an appointment for the next stage of the hiring process.

i think this is one of my stress drivers and it's caused me to get sick like three times the past month or so. and this is while recovering from a surgery!

oh, what i would give to have the extra grit or creativity necessary so i can just work freelance and be my own boss. but alas, i am doomed to a life of corporate servitude.

my country's concept of human resources seems to be one where you just throw the most brain dead monkeys out there to do clerical work but never have the people skills to empathize with the employees in the company. without us running operations, there will literally be no human resources to manage. absolute fools.

i've mentally checked out of my current job for various reasons, but getting cheated out of my pay and benefits is just driving the point home, through the fucking fence.

what pisses me off is that it's literally killed my desire to even work anywhere else, too. i've no generational wealth, or impressive connections—i still have to find a new job like everyone else who gets sick of theirs. but i hardly get excited about anything anymore, and the rare time i do, i just keep on getting told i'm unqualified. it'll never be enough.

is this really all there is to life? just waste away at the behest of other people? god, maybe just put a bullet through my head then, if that's the case.

[11queensupreme11]

ABOUT ME & MY BLOG!

she/her. filipino-american. adult. tired premed student. psych major. lover of many.

ask box. my tags. some posts delve into nsfw territory so minors dni with those. this blog is pro-ship, pro-fic, & pro-freak. if you think the “pro” means “problematic” then you are too young and/or stupid to be here.

READ MY WORKS!

i write in quotev, wattpad, and ao3. most of my stories are crossposted in quotev and wattpad, but i have one (tsunami) that i crosspost on all three.

fanfics

jujutsu kaisen | tsunami (completed; yandere harem), bloodflood (ongoing; sequel to tsunami)

crossovers

percy jackson & harry potter | aletheia, proairesis, aporia, eudaimonia, moros, and steresis (ongoing series; incomplete) church of essie (separate oneshot book for the essie series)

naruto & bnha | shannaro! (incomplete)

persona & bnha | steal her heart (incomplete), steal her heart oneshots! (separate oneshot book for steal her heart)

percy jackson & record of ragnarok | arsenic blues (fem!percy; isekai; yandere; ongoing)

miscellaneous

guidebook | pjo & hp for dummies (includes rants, writing tips, etc. not strictly just for harry potter and percy jackson)

ocs | data error! (meet my ocs and canon characters that i expanded on from my pjo/hp crossover series; only available in wattpad)

[agallimaufryofoddments]

#I ALSO FEEL LIKE ESSIE JUST DOESN’T WORK AS WELL AS A NICKNAME IN ITALIAN (I KNOW THEY WOULD’VE BEEN SPEAKING SOME DIALECT OF NAPULITANO#BUT I’M NOT AN EXPERT ON NAPULITANO 18TH CENTURY OR OTHERWISE SO I’M GOING TO IGNORE THAT FOR A MOMENT)#LIKE I’M SURE IT’S USED OCCASIONALLY BUT IT WOULDN’T BE PRONOUNCED THE WAY I THINK THE TRANSLATORS PROBABLY INTENDED?#LIKE IN ITALIAN IS A PHONETIC LANGUAGE UNLIKE SAY FRENCH SO AS A RESULT ‘ESSIE’ WOULDN’T BE PRONOUNCED LIKE ES-SEE#AS I THINK THEY PROBABLY INTENDED#BUT RATHER AS LIKE ‘ESS-SEE-AY’ (VERY ROUGH EXPLANATION BUT YOU GET ME)#ESSA ON THE OTHER HAND SOUNDS A LOT BETTER AS A NICKNAME TO ME (GRANTED THAT IT DEFINITELY SOUNDS FEMININE. BUT. ISN’T THAT KIND OF…#THE POINT? ESPERANZA WOULD NEVER WANT TO BE ASSOCIATED WITH MASCULINITY ANYWAY#HIS GIVEN NAME IS QUITE DISTINCTLY FEMININE AS WELL (IN BOTH SPANISH AND ITALIAN) SO IT SUITS HIM TO HAVE A FEMININE NICKNAME#THIS HAS BEEN MY ESSAY ON WHY YOU CAN PRY ESSA FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS (tags via original post)

I like Essa so much more; I just don’t have the heart to use Essie... You only strengthen my resolve. I will now use that strength to refrain from ranting about...Laz Smith. 

I have a lot of respect for the official translators but I must say I will continue to refer to Esperanza as ‘Essa’ rather than ‘Essie’. This is my line in the sand… I could accept ‘Fil’ but I will not be backing down from ‘Essa’

[essievx]

headless chicken

i haven't updated this space for half a year already, and it's only to be expected that i end up coming here bearing not-so-good-news. it's funny, i never really find myself writing stuff i'm happy about.

perpetual discontent has always been a running theme throughout my entire life. always in search for more, always thinking that the grass is greener on the other side when it's just me who doesn't water the one on mine.

i got "promoted" and it was cool for the first few months, i suppose. my bosses ask me if i'm okay, if i'm happy with my new position, if i don't regret taking the opportunity at all.

they want to know if i'm coming to work excited, not dreading the day ahead. i don't trust them enough to not lie and say, "yeah, no, actually, i hate it here and i want to spontaneously combust."

i've seen how the system breaks honest people and rewards those who aren't, and it's enough to put me off working the way i used to. i don't really give a rat's ass about the team or the organization now, not when i know it's rotten to the core, filled with people who'd rather drag you down than better themselves so they can rise higher. the culture of mediocrity they've purported inside is sickening. no, it's actually fine to want to be mediocre. clock in, do the bare minimum, clock out. but i can't take how they want to shit on those who want to do more.

the more i think about it, the more i'm just filled with disdain for the people i interact with on a daily basis. but in the workforce, i'm a beggar, and they say beggars can't be choosers.

i'm lucky to be where i am right now but it doesn't mean i can't complain and look for something better. but what if there is nothing else better than this at the moment? i'm stuck in this cycle of complaining and then gaslighting myself as if it helps my situation at all.

i'm just exhausting every single escapist method possible while still doing enough to earn my paycheck. it's a shitty way to live but i can't really take much more of this as they're playing me for a fool.

the workload never caused me to burn out and fizzle, it was the people around me all along.

[essievx]

merry crisis

it's december 26 and time goes by so fucking slowly during this time of the year. like, i literally cannot wait for this year to be over already but i still have to go through new year's eve.

my family was being a bag of dicks, like straight-up just being unpleasant. and by family, i guess i mean my grandma but my resentment for that entire side of the family just burst open all over again because of her.

i finally understand why my eldest brother ghosted our family because they're all insufferable and they only care about you as a family member when it's to keep up appearances and not actually caring about you or your wellbeing because the amount of times we've been replaced, insulted, and left to fend for ourselves AND THEN DEMONIZED FOR ACTUALLY TRYING TO DEFEND OURSELVES has been too many to count, it's not even fucking funny.

like, i look at the sheer amount of favoritism, misogyny, ableism, and fatshaming i have endured over the years, and i still can't believe that they have the audacity to tell me, "family comes first!" and "why don't you ever come see us anymore?" THE LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS IS HILARIOUS

bitches go to church and think they're fucking saints, never a second of introspection to think why someone would be avoiding them like the goddamned plague, like they're literally the reason why i need therapy like yesterday and why i still haven't mentally developed past the age of 13. it's because i'm still nursing these damn wounds they've inflicted since time immemorial.

so yeah, merry fucking christmas and a happy fucking holidays, you're the only ones joyous at this time of the year, you self-serving pieces of shit.

[shineesfive]

one of the last things i’ll say about this needless hate is that i know one of the admins, she is one of the nicest people in this rpc, she spent a lot of time on this rp .  i’ve been a part of several gang rps before and have only once had a bad experience, to which the admin removed the triggering person . it is our jobs as muns of an rp, to do research beforehand . the rp navi even clearly states whats in store and how to tell if its the right rp for you . if you do not like the kind of rp - dont join, dont bash it recklessly (upsetting the kind admins) and cause this kind of needless drama .  i personally, am not a fan of pickles, you dont see me starting a war on pickles , huh , even tho i could .

[shineesfive]

maybe it's just me, but im more likely to actually give you a shoutout if you use my name in the message, rather than just 'hi babe' or 'hi!' I know that people ask for numerous shoutouts from lots of people, but I feel like as the people who actually are promoting them, they'd want to use our names and be slightly respectful ? like i know it sounds petty, but i’m 100% gonna respond to the rp that have used my name personally and asked politely for a shoutout before i give a shoutout to someone who uses a standard ‘babe’ or ‘love’ which i know has been sent to so many people ? is it just me ? okay .