#especially when some phrases literally trigger me and make me feel bad
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sleep-nurse · 10 months ago
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am i a bad person if i physically am not able to help people who straight up tell me they want to kill themselves when i'm desperately trying to heal myself and trying to not spiral and even telling them that
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itsclydebitches · 10 months ago
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Hazbin Hotel: Let's Talk About Cursing!
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Trigger warning for lots of cursing in this post (obviously) and discussion of canon abuse scenes
As I delve further into the Hazbin Hotel fandom, I’ve inevitably come across a variety of people who dislike the show for an equal variety of reasons. One criticism I’ve seen with some consistency is in regards to the cursing and yeah, I get it. That’s not going to be everyone’s cup of tea. However, the repeated claim that the cursing is only there as a—failed—attempt at bad, lazy humor got me thinking about why I personally liked the cursing, and why I think it serves a greater purpose in the show.
Now yes, some of the cursing does function as an arguably simplistic joke. The most common setup I’ve noticed is one that leans into a contrast in tone/personalities. We see this a lot with the polite, comparatively timid Charlie as she navigates her distinctly vulgar domain.
Charlie: “Hi, mister!” Demon: “Go fuck yourself!”
The entirety of “Happy Day in Hell” plays with this contrast, setting up Charlie’s slightly skewed, but significantly optimistic perspective of Hell. We are shown again and again how her lyrics are contradicted or twisted into something less innocent through the visuals: a “revealing” street where it’s “hard not to stare” has BDSM going on in a nearby window, Charlie will “open the door” for her people and then literally does so... for a guy who’s already dead. (Or, you know, temporarily out of commission until he heals, or whatever demons do when they’re ‘killed’ by things other than angelic steel.) The entire point here is to contrast the happy, skipping girl claiming that there’s a “warm, fuzzy feeling” in the air with the actual environment of unchecked fires and decaying limbs. And yes, that can be amusing. Not necessarily for everyone as humor is highly subjective and dependent on context, but distilling this contrast down to the shock of a polite greeting getting a “Go fuck yourself!” in response is a kind of entertainment. Especially when Charlie’s reaction adds another layer: for me that’s a very funny—and currently relatable—expression.
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We can potentially make the case that this humor format overstays its welcome, but I personally think the show does a good job of keeping Charlie’s cursing both simple and comparatively rare, so that when she is put into these contrast situations the humor lands better. The best example I can think of in the latter half of the show is Susan. There we get the whiplash of polite, trying-to-get-these-people-to-like-her Charlie reaching a breaking point to become “FUCK YOU, YOU OLD BITCH” Charlie. It’s a moment that builds off of the earlier surprise of the courteous Alastor calling someone an “Ornery old bitch”—while Rosie is trying (and failing) to find a nicer way to phrase this.
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However, as stated above I think the cursing serves more of a purpose than to just be funny for (some) viewers. Beyond those who simply find cursing distasteful, I’ve seen a fair bit of, “This is so stupid. No one even talks like that!” going around.
Except... I do? I talk like that.
See, I like cursing. I was born to former hippie parents and grew up playing MMOs, so cursing was something I became pretty acclimated to. Personally, I’m glad I was because I’m fascinated by language and cursing—for better or worse—is an integral way that many people communicate. I was taught to see cursing not as the Bad Forbidden Thing You Must Never Ever Do, but rather as just another form of expression, something to be used in moderation and under specific circumstances. Once I became an adult I already understood how I wanted to curse and when it was appropriate to do so. People at work are often shocked when I tell them I curse a lot because no, of course I’m not doing that at my job. That isn't considered professional in this space. Among my friends though?
We can sound a lot like the Hazbin crew.
Undoubtedly the most common curse in the show is “fuck” and its variations, which very much tracks with my personal experience among other people who curse. In fact, it’s so ubiquitous that it barely counts as a curse at all in some groups. It’s more of an easy, accepted way to add emphasis. Vaggie’s “What the fuck was that?” about Alastor’s commercial is a perfect example. She’s pissed and simply saying “What was that?” doesn’t carry the same weight, no matter how angry she may sound when she says it. Vox’s long “Fuuuuuuuck” at the end of “Stayed Gone” conveys an emotion you just can’t capture any other way. No dialogue at all would create a fundamentally different experience of Vox’s feelings and another non-cursing response is just gonna hit different. Not necessarily bad, just different.
“I don’t want to go to the party!” “I don’t want to go to the freaking party!” “I don’t want to go to the fucking party!”
The above represents three distinct characters to me and I think Hazbin Hotel gets that. Cursing isn’t thrown around randomly because something something cursing supposedly sells; it’s all linguistically logical. Characters curse when something surprising or bad happens, or when something unexpectedly good happens, when they’re angry, trying to be sexy, or they want to add that emphasis. That’s a lot of different situations where cursing can be useful and when you use “fuck” in your daily life a lot you become pretty desensitized to it. As said, for many it’s barely a curse at all. Which means that when you really want to curse you’ve got to up the ante. It doesn’t surprise me one bit that the two uses of “cunt” I can recall—a word that is generally considered far worse than “fuck” and makes a lot of people understandably uncomfortable—is used by two of the worst characters in moments that are meant to horrify the viewer:
Adam: “Can’t wait a whole year to slaughter those little cunts / I know it’s just been a week, but we’ll be back in six months!” Valentino: “When I say you’d better get that fucking cunt out of my studio, you say...?”
This horror is especially emphasized in Valentino’s scene. The creators know this word is coming up and deliberately build towards it. Angel is currently being abused and has been reminded that Valentino “owns” him. The above question is a part of a trio that Valentino asks (a standard structure in writing), wherein the third option is the outlier/most shocking of the three. The animation leans into that shock, with the music building and Valentino grabbing Angel to pull him close right on the word “cunt.” Perez even puts emphasis there because he knows that this is a significant word that will change our understanding of Valentino.
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Despite having hit Angel multiple times and taunting him with the contract, this is the moment Valentino stops playing the ‘nice’ employer. This is the real him. No more fake compliments and endearments aimed at Charlie, no more fake comfort/intimacy aimed at Angel. That “cunt” conveys a hell of a lot about how Valentino really sees them and when you have a cast of characters who are already cursing on the regular, it takes a word on that level to do that kind of work. If Valentino had said, “get that fucking bitch out of my studio” it wouldn’t have had nearly the same impact because he’s the kind of guy who uses "bitch" even when playing ‘nice.’
Adam’s line from “Hell is Forever” does very similar work. The scene needs a word to align with the horrific reveal that another extermination is just six months away, that conveys Adam’s deep disgust for Charlie’s people, and that still catches the viewer’s attention even though he’s the character (I believe) who curses the most. Here the music drops and Adam is a little closer to speaking than singing; there's this shift because, like with Valentino, our perception of him is shifting. This isn’t just some egotistical idiot who wants to be called “Dick Master,” he’s the leader of an army coming to gleefully kill them. Framing a whole world of people—people Charlie loves—as “cunts” while treating their murder as a holiday that can’t come soon enough creates an, 'Oh shit. This guy is actually a threat' understanding that you can’t quite get with anything else.
On a smaller scale, cursing does other character work throughout the whole show. I watched a number of cursing compilation vids for this meta (that was a trip lol) and again, cursing is not thrown in randomly. Each character has a unique way of cursing that aligns with their personality and motivations:
As said, Adam curses the most in the show which helps sell his truly over-the-top, irreverent personality. Linguistically, the amount he curses also allows for some fun grammatical play. Lines like, “Fucking love putting my name on shit, shit’s the best!” help convey the versatility of cursing.
Also as said, Charlie curses a fair bit but she’s comparatively polite and her cursing tends to be a result of genuinely big emotions—like saying “Crap” when she’s shocked and falls, or “Shit!” when Adam locks her out of the room—rather than sprinkled into her conversations as a modifier. That leaves space to create those moments of amused surprise when Charlie really let’s loose.
Sr Pentious curses even less than Charlie which fits his secretly gooey center. He talks a big game at the start of the show, but he’s actually quite bad at being, well, bad (especially the Amazon version compared to pilot!Pentious). His idea of getting one over on Alastor is ripping a bit of his coat. He loves his Egg Bois and “doesn’t want to live” without them. He has no desire to go into battle without minions/a big machine to hide behind and, of course, he’s the first to be redeemed. He's too much of a secret sweetheart to curse a lot.
Interestingly, Niffty doesn’t seem to curse at all. At least, not enough for me to think of examples off the top of my head. Right now I’m inclined to read that as an extension of her lived experiences/design—the cute 1950’s housewife archetype who is obsessed with keeping things clean doesn’t [gasp!] curse—as well as a way to maintain her legitimate creep factor. As said, cursing is common among the hotel residents and is a way for them to linguistically fit in. Niffty, however, is positioned more as an outsider (despite how much they all obviously love her): she’s actually scary in a way most demons aren’t and despite how weird this whole world is, she stands out as someone no one else can make sense of (even Alastor). If cursing is normal, Niffty is a character who is decidedly positioned as not normal.
Angel curses a fair bit, though his irreverence is conveyed more through innuendos. Angel is great at verbally twisting others’ words (especially Husk’s) to give himself a conversational advantage:
Husk: “Go fuck yourself” Angel: “Only if you watch me~”
Husk: “You’ve come—” Angel: [very loud orgasm noise] Husk: “...to the right place.”
Meanwhile, Husk uses “fuck” plenty, but he’s also one of the few characters who use “bullshit" too. I wouldn’t say there’s anything particularly revealing about that choice, but just giving him a go-to curse that’s otherwise used infrequently helps make his character distinct in a cast of other cursing characters.
Vaggie occasionally curses in Spanish, showing us her heritage if she used to be human, or a distinct knowledge/verbal preference if she’s always been an angel.
Heaven, as the ‘good’ side, doesn’t curse as a general rule, which leaves room for cursing to do more of that silent character work. We’re reminded of the stuffy, overly critical beings she’s dealing with when Charlie receives the combined judgement of the court for saying, “Fuck yeah!” In contrast, we understand just how shocked St. Peter is to see a Morningstar when he lets out an unintentional “Fuck!” The angry vindication of Charlie’s “That’s what the fuck I’ve been saying!” lands harder after multiple scenes of very little cursing, and Lute’s “Some crack-whore who fucked up already? / He blew his shot like the cocks in his mouth—” helps set her apart as an exorcist + Adam's second in command: her shocking violence comes through in her word choice too; words that supposedly don't belong in Heaven.
In what’s arguably the funniest line in the whole show, Lucifer undermines his dramatic standoff with Adam by going, “You mess with my daughter and now I’m going to fuck you.” Beyond just cutting the tension, that fits his bumbling, oblivious personality perfectly. Lucifer is crazy powerful and can absolutely wreck Adam. He also has none of the classy intimidation that, say, Alastor displays when he tries to convey that. This is a depressed himbo who makes ducks in his free time and settles on, “Hey, bitch!” when greeting his estranged daughter. Of course he’s going to accidentally turn a threat into a promise of sex.
Which finally brings me to Alastor, someone whose cursing is already understood well by the fandom. He’s characterized as manipulatively courteous, using manners to both hide his true nature and draw attention to his power—’You’re so beneath me I’ll just calmly sip my coffee and politely ask who you are, despite the fact that we've fought multiple times.’ This is a guy who calls people “My dear” and unironically insults them with the phrase “wacky nonsense.” So when he curses you can BET it’s gonna have an impact. It sure did for me. I had to pause the episode after Alastor’s first “Fuck you” because it was so shocking to hear that language from him. And that’s the point! The scene wants that reaction from the audience. The "Fuck you"s visceral anger contrasting the fake laughs he and Lucifer have been giving, the quick-fire exchange that’s suddenly cut short by Alastor’s choice of a direct insult, the fact that he’s officially dropping the polite veneer they’ve both been indulging in and raising the stakes before Charlie intervenes, the loss of the radio filter that otherwise demonstrates his control over a situation... all of it screams, ‘THIS IS AN IMPORTANT CHARACTER MOMENT.’
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"Fuck you” reveals that, for the first time in the show, Alastor is legitimately threatened by someone. Which makes sense given that, you know, Lucifer is the King of Hell. Cursing for Alastor isn’t normal, so when he does curse it’s going to reveal something about a guy who otherwise is obsessed with being unknowable. Having the King of Hell dismiss him is actually infuriating in a way Sir Pentious’ threats could never be and the exchange kicks off a rivalry that rattles Alastor in ways Vox’s never has. (Side note: is it any wonder people ship them? Character A making control freak Character B feel vulnerable is classic!) It’s no surprise to me than that the one other true curse we get from Alastor is, “I’m about to end your fucking life,” delivered to Adam who, like Lucifer, poses a legitimate threat and does end up beating him. I say “true” curse because calling Susan a “bitch” does similar work for him, but the takeaway is humorous rather than dramatic. It’s funny that the only people who can piss Alastor off enough to curse are the First Man/a powerful exorcist angel threatening his life, the literal King of Hell... and Susan.
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So there’s a lot going on here, more than what many viewers might assume if they approach the show as just “stupid,” needlessly vulgar entertainment. As shown above, I don’t think the cursing is needless, especially given that, well... they’re in Hell. They’re sinners, supposedly the worst that humanity has to offer, so of course they're going to curse a lot. Does cursing mean you’re a bad person? No. Can you craft a hellish world that doesn't rely on cursing to convey a group's immoral nature? Sure.
Does it make sense that a writer would equate a sinful, irreverent cast with linguistic rebellion and would want to convey a certain vibe that, frankly, you just can’t get without dropping an F bomb?
Yeah, I think so. No one has to like that kind of creative decision, but it’s worth acknowledging it as a deliberate choice.
That’s all! Thanks for reading this fucking long post ✌️
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muttlyparasitic · 4 months ago
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Im not over here like "incest is so cute" or "🤩 im just so obsessed with how he rapes -insert character-" thats what makes proshippers so off putting and disgusting they romanticize the fuck out of a gross topic, I've never seen 1 proshipper actually write a good story involving their ships and I've especially never seen a proshipper NOT make proshipping their whole fking personality like we all know you can't be that black and white.
Theres 0 interesting story in some shop about lets say slender fking a brother of his, just like making a picture of Jeff the Killer x Homicidal Liu is also just like "why?" Besides you finding incest cute there was no reason why they needed to like each other in a disgusting way and no reason to especially fk each other.
And no I am not getting into the whole "it comforts me" aspect as if that means your valid. You'll get upset with me for saying that then post the next day "I dont exist to protect your feelings" like we can just say the exact same thing back, if you find comfort i prosgipping, no one online or irl needs to hear about it, keep your self healthing to yourself if its actually helping you heal. If it only comforts you when other poeple get to see it and you know it will bring you some type of reaction, thats not comfort, thats just attention seeking.
No one on earth needs to be bombarded with your gross ships just because it makes you feel better, you dont need to be butting fandom tags next to your proshipper tags, you can have them on private account elsewhere that the public dont see it.
It's honestly just like this who self-harm for comfort, no ones gotta see it. Thats blunt but its the truth, no ones gotta see it. No ones gotta read about it, only your friends care about your feelings, the rest of us just hope you get help and wish to move on with our day without getting more of that shoved in our faces.
"Well you still made a story with thay subject matter before, why aren't poeple bad at that, they hate me for my Jeff x Liu ship!" think another big difference between a proshipper and someone that writes an incets scene, beastiality scene, grape scene for their horror story, a writer has content like that in a story they developed and they dont obsess over that one part like its their new baby that the whole block needs to hear about constantly, oh and they also use trigger warnings before the reader gets to read the story and if they do talk about that scene on a post, yall dont put warnings, ever. When a proshipper makes a story, the only shit they post about is that one uncomfortable part, or they make the whole story about that subject and can't lighten up and add more creative subjects to the story, it just HAS to be about this one morally wrong thing that their absolutely obsessed over!
Like really thats why antis think you guys are such freak, you have one personality trait and its making gross content in a way that isn't even good literature writing, you obsess over it like you'll instantly combust into ashes if you dont post about it daily, all the content is shown in good light using words and phrases like "cute" "so ment to be" "adorable" "I giggle at it" your praising a subject that shouldn't be praised and thats why people putside of your proship community dont like you guys, you show this content in such good light constantly that its allowed actual prodophiles and people who are actually full on into those subjects irl into your community, unintentionally you've created such a safe space for those kinds of people because they can talk about it in this good light and just say "oh but I dont support it irl" and lots of people would just easily belive them qhile thats not the reality. Thats the biggest issue. You've created a community that can easily harbor literal chriminals, and you will still stand tall and proud about your incest, pedo, beastiality, grape content thata your so obsessed over, while it gives actual criminals a place to get their rocks off while they don't have their current subject matter of interest with them.
Anyways I'm done ranting now.
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xyxofspades · 4 months ago
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garroth-is-done / trans-garroth is proship fyi
Hey anon unless you’ve got receipts I’m taking this with an immense grain of salt. I can’t go through their old blog bc it’s gone so I can’t double check. And if you’re talking about the “ship and let ship” in their bio, that phrase can apply to several things.
It can apply to serial killer x victim, it can apply to employee x employer, it can apply to toxic relationship ships. Am I particularly fond of these? No, not really. But these are ships that can contain adults.
My line is drawn when people are shipping family- and I mean literal family. I.e: people shipping the Blight twins from The Owl House I have a problem with that. Luz x Vee, I also have a problem with that because I think adopted siblings are still siblings. But I have no problem with people shipping Luz x Hunter because they aren’t literally related or related by adoption. Hunter was taken in by Darius iirc? I don’t like the ship, but fundamentally I don’t see a problem with them, hence, ship and let ship.
And when people are shipping children in nsfw spaces. It’s okay to ship Dipper and Pacifica. It’s not okay to bring that ship into nsfw because they’re children. “Oh, Xyx, what about characters who are like 17 like Oikawa from Haikyuu? Highschoolers are minors but they get up to stuff all the time!” Yeah, true, god knows I did. But the difference there is that they generally have a more developed brain than a 12 year old? Honestly though, still makes me uncomfortable so I avoid those too.
Another thing is that when you go into people’s inboxes like this and just drop “so-and-so is proship” without any evidence, how am I to be sure you aren’t just spreading rumors? You’ve given me nothing to work with. This is like that time in high school someone started a rumor that I died when I did not, in fact, die. And everyone believed it because no one bothered to text me and fact check it. Also some people can get witch-hunty about this sort of thing. I’m not saying you were trying to start anything, not what I’m saying at all, but the internet has been known to have a hair brain trigger with untrue or incomplete information.
Ultimately, some of us have jobs. And real life responsibilities and issues. I’m not gonna sit around and go “oh this person is bad” when I have other shit to do. Especially when the person trying to convince me “this person is bad” leave nothing on my doorstep but the phrase “this guy bad” and the internet is not gonna cultivate itself for you. You are responsible for weeding out what you don’t want to see. This is like the first rule of internet and especially the first rule of fandom, don’t like; don’t read. The block button is bright and shiny. Let’s say the person you’re talking about does happen to cross one of the boundary lines I’ve set for myself. It’s very easy for me to unfollow and block. It’s that simple. Unless they’re genuinely hurting someone, it’s not my problem and it’s not yours either. I have other shit to do and a car payment to make. I’ve got college classes to attend.
I feel like someone gonna read all this and take away that I’m proship. I’m not proship. I’m an adult with better things to do than bicker on the internet. Let me bold this so it’s easier to read
I am an adult with better things to do than bicker on the internet.
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awetistic-things · 2 years ago
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hi, this blog is one of my favs!! thanks for being so cool, i want some advice, im sorry if you dont know how to help or if this sounds a bit silly /gen
im autistic and physically disabled, and i get overstimulated super easily, even now i have tools to combat it. just going outside can trigger a meltdown. and im going to college soon, im very very worried i wont be able to handle college, or a job, im trying to think positive but i dont want to put myself through hell, i had plans to be a nurse but i dont know if i can, im not that passionate about it but a job is a job. i dont know what to do 〒▽〒
hey !!
first of all, thank you very much, and second of all, this ask is not silly whatsoever
i hate the moments when i have nothing actually useful to say, and this is essentially one of those moments, considering i am quite literally going through that exact situation and am handling it horribly
but, i will share that online school helped me an insane amount. it's not the best way to learn, but for autistic people, it is often the most sustainable option
and the phrase: "i'm not that passionate about it but a job is a job" is a statement meant for NTs and NTs only. autistic people have to take round-trips through hell and back constantly just to be near the level of our neurotypical peers, so don't put yourself into a situation that you know will wreck you completely, especially for something that you don't feel that strongly for
having positivity is important, but never let the hope that it will turn out good make you ignore all the very important danger signs that it may turn out very bad
and it doesn't have to end terribly, but in order for that to happen you gotta put what you know you need first
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rainbowamory · 2 years ago
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Being trans ⚧♂
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I wanted to write a longer thing, and better worded, but I don’t really feel like doing that right now. This being the time of year for Pride celebrations makes me think about my own feelings about it again, which has been complicated by seeing the filthy hypocrisy in society regarding human rights.
Morality based on popularity, the crutch that people who lack intellect hold on to.
This is not a happy post, and I don’t want to trigger anyone so pls don’t read this if you are in need of a more positive outlook about being trans. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it at all in a moral sense…  This is more about how I feel about being trans myself, just the reality of it for me specifically, not generally.
Ok, so again, don’t read if you are in need of positivity.
........
I want to narrow this down to the main thoughts in my head because there are too many to put in one post. So here it is. These feelings aren’t new to me. I’ve felt them my whole life, especially during my teens when the dysphoria became worse.
As an adult, I have learned these two things about myself with regards to being transgender. One: I have made peace with the fact that I will never make peace with it. And Two: I am an ‘all or nothing’ person after all, which explains the first thing.
The concept of “Gender Euphoria” is something I find imposing and not fully relatable to me. I don’t feel gender euphoria except in times when I am roleplaying or when I think of some kind of afterlife.
Gender dysphoria and perpetual mourning is more familiar to me.
I want trans rights to advance, but I can’t engage with much of it, because it’s too close to home, too personal and extremely triggering to me. And I know the truth…. None of it can make me happy. What I want… what I want most, is an apology from God.
I want some kind of ‘refund’. I want the choice that was never given to me. The choice that is not given to anyone, but the lack of which causes pain only to some.
I don’t want to hear phrases like “you’re fine the way you are”. It’s meaningless and offensive in a strange way, because it shows only cis people’s ignorance on the source of someone’s pain.
If I was ever unaware of the source of my pain, it was only in childhood. I understood exactly what it was in my teens, and it’s the same now.
I want a conversation. And I want an apology. And at the end of that apology, I want a choice. I want to choose my body from the tip of my hair to the tip of my toes, down to the last cell, down to the last chromosome and DNA strand… I want to be XY. XY. XY. XY. For eternity. I want only that. That conversation, and that moment.
I dream about it every day.
I don’t ever want to return to this disgusting world if it turns out that Reincarnation is a thing, because I am not taking a chance again to be born in the wrong body.
This has been to me the single most traumatizing thing I have ever experienced. As if it isn’t bad enough to go through this, we have to live in this sick world, where fools reduce trans peoples lives to cheap jokes and memes regularly and disrespect the same intelligence that they’re perfectly capable of recognizing if they didn’t know the individual was trans.
I have so many thoughts… so many on this topic. But most times I cannot get myself to write them down because I know in my heart that trans activism and advances in surgery and hormones and allies and pronouns are not going to give me what I really want as an ‘all or nothing’ person.
I live my life because I have a childhood dream I am not ready to let go of.
When I say I am trapped in the wrong body, that’s not some metaphor. I mean it in a literal sense. People are at all times more than their bodies. Minds/feelings/souls… these things are real too.
I will settle for band-aids, which is what I believe pronouns are, but I will not accept substitutes. I will keep alive the vision I have in my head of that conversation I want and that apology, because until that day I cannot and will not ever say I have found peace.
Transgender is not an identity for me. It’s a circumstance.
The identity is what is on the inside: the gender. The circumstance is that I’m trapped in the wrong body.
I don’t know what to say about Pride, because I used to benefit from it emotionally, but now all I see is the transphobia in that community and the racism too. And it’s hard to get anything good from it anymore.
I’ll leave it at that.
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lizard-reads-the-world · 4 months ago
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It's kind of unbelievable the vitriol one gets for saying "hey, be nice" - like profanity-laced asks. I've been musing on the state of society as a result (ha, isn't that a huge ponder!) and these are just disjunct thoughts, not meant to be directed at anybody.
I've deleted the messages but one of them brought up something I hadn't ever even mentioned with the phrase "You don't speak for us. Shut the fuck up."
Interesting because "us vs them" mindset was one of the points I was bringing up. Who is "us" to this person? Hard to say (because obviously they can't speak for a whole body of people with a disability), but I suppose we can say who it excludes - me and the tiktok poster. That is, people who might disagree with their opinion. And in my case, someone who might have publicly disagreed with them, causing them shame.
People are bombarded so much daily with alarmist news, righteous rage posts, doomsday predictions, on top of their own fight for survival, work-related stress, peer and family pressure -- I honestly think this physically affects your body. The body is in non-stop fight+flight mode - literally any hint of danger or opposition can trigger a physical need, an adrenaline rush, to fight and defend ourselves. Supreme nervous system dysregulation. People do not feel safe in the world, and that puts everyone on high alert. Some people have grown up with nothing but that. And it takes honest awareness to recognize it, and it's hard.
And then back to a word I mentioned earlier: shame. Our society, especially internet and political circles, has really perfected the art of weaponizing shame. While it is an innate human reaction to some point, these days it has come to the point that if you feel shame, you are either an inherently bad person, or the person that caused you shame is wrong and thus an inherently bad person. There has become absolutely no room for critical thinking or nuance that is not black and white. If you are shamed, you must fight and defend yourself, to prove you are not a bad person.
Thus shame is an ultimate weapon. If you are with your group, your group agrees with you, and you have no reason to be shamed. It is the other group that should be shamed.* And there are certain powerful words we can use to shame, because they get linked to identity. People must be so adamant in defending their identity, the very core of who they are, against labels, that they must fight.
When in reality, actions are not identity. You can't *be* an ism. You can't be an inherently bad person. It is a chosen behavior. Even if chosen out of carelessness, it is a behavior.
And people probably would even react to these ideas in defense - "I'm not ashamed, you should be!" - because it's shameful to be ashamed, isn't it? But no, it's not your identity. I understand the triggered defense reaction, I get it too. We gotta be kinder and calmer. And bullying just isn't it. And we have to make it so shame is not a bad thing. And if you feel defensive like this post is directed at you, it's not.
And that was about as long as I expected it to be, and god knows could be longer, and may not make sense to anyone but me, but it just had to be spit out!
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*not even getting into the scary societal implications of that, as history has shown
Oh, and the asks stopped when I turned off anonymous. No shame when your identity is secret, huh?
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lastoneout · 4 months ago
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venting about my problems to make myself feel better don't mind me
Anyway so like, my personal medical history has involved several medical procedures that I was told would be painless or at least only mildly painful, but turned out to be so horrifically painful and upsetting it's legit been traumatizing. This is probably due to my fibromyalgia because that's basically "pain hurts worse" disorder, so the doctors weren't necessarily lying about it not being painful for the average person, I'm just not the average person.
Additionally I am a victim of SA and so let's just say being forced to sit through something awful being done to my body that I have no real control over is Extremely Upsetting and I can't even make it through a fucking pap smear without crying.
I cannot stress enough, my body processes these painful, invasive procedures as trauma. I have had to go to therapy to deal with the lingering emotions. Nothing is more upsetting to me than having no control over what's happening to my body even if it's something important or that will help me feel better. That is my biggest, most impossible to overcome phobia, something happening to my body that I have no control over. To this day I just cannot trust a doctor when they say something will be fine and not painful. I have been told that so many times and it's never true. It hurts and piles more issues on top of my existing baggage. Like just hearing the phrase "see, that wasn't so bad" legit triggers me because IT'S ALWAYS BAD. It's dismissing my feelings and condescending and I fucking hate it.
So yeah needless to say having to be awake for a surgical procedure that allegedly will be relatively painless is my worst fucking nightmare. Especially this procedure. I won't go into too much detail but this involves threading something up through the veins in my arm all the way to my brain. This is like, a nightmare. Body horror level stuff. It feels violating and it hasn't even happened yet. If I had to come up with the most horrific, invasive thing imaginable this would be it. I am almost positive I am going to have to process the aftermath of this in therapy. I'm genuinely worried I'll get there and be so hysterical they can't even do the procedure.
But like I HAVE to do this. My IIH is really bad, my pressure is super high and I have debilitating pressure headaches almost every day. This condition has quite literally ruined my life. I need relief, I cannot keep living like this. Everything I have ever wanted was on the other side of fear, I know that, but god that doesn't make me any less afraid.
The surgeon did listen when I told him about my issues regarding this, I made it clear things that aren't painful for other people are usually hell for me because of my fibro, and I told him I've literally had cavities drilled without numbing medication, I am severely triggered by the idea of being awake for this and they are going to need to give me something to help me calm down, and he assured me they would do everything in their power to make me as comfortable as possible, and they will be giving me pain medication during the procedure to help, but he cannot guarantee it will be completely painless.
I do thankfully get to talk to the anesthesiologist before the procedure, they won't be knocking me out but I assume they need to be sure it's safe to give me specific medications, and I'm also going to tell them that they need to give me something to help me calm down because I am almost 100% positive I will be sobbing and freaking out when I get there because of my history of traumatizing medical procedures and the fibro making pain worse for me, but I just have to pray they take me seriously and don't assume I'm being hysterical or some shit. Though I'm sure if I do get there and I am sobbing and freaking out they'll believe me about this being extremely upsetting for me. I mean I've legit had procedures canceled because I was freaking out so bad they couldn't even do what they needed to do.
I am also going to see my therapist tomorrow and she said she'll help me practice some skills to manage my anxiety and help me get through it without it being a nightmare, and she'll also give me a letter stating that I am being treated for trauma related to these things that should help convince them I need accommodation, but like sdlkjfdlkfj I am still SO fucking scared.
Anyway yeah end vent I'm going to go do more dishes or something to help me chill out.
so my neurosurgeon does think I need some sort of surgical procedure to help with my IIH, but before that he wants to do another procedure to measure the pressure in the veins that have the stenosis so he can decide if a shunt or stent is a better option, and while this is exciting because Relief From My Symptoms, I have to be awake for the test and due to my personal history I am 99% sure this is going to be complete traumatizing hell for me and I currently cannot even think about it without bursting into tears and feeling like I'm going to throw up, so this is great yeah having a good time I love being alive
y'all have no idea how many dishes I've done just as an attempt to manage my anxiety
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capricorn-stark · 4 years ago
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Protégé
pairing: red hood!jason todd x robin!reader, slow burn 
warning: swearing
a/n: for context, this is somewhat loosely based off of Battle for the Cowl (2009) which I definitely recommend as a read! 
There was something about falling that you would never, ever get tired of. 
Ever. 
Probably.
With the wind whistling in your ears, your hair floating up in a million directions, and your limbs seemingly weightless as the buildings and lights blurred into one endless streak of color, the rush of adrenaline that ran through your body right before your grappling hook shot out and you landed quietly on the concrete was about a million times better than any sparring session back at the cave. 
You grinned as you straightened, rather proud of the fact that you had actually managed to land so smoothly without nearly paralyzing yourself. Again.The landing was something you had been working on for a while now.
You could practically hear Bruce’s voice ringing through your head after your little stunt, lamenting on and on about how you had more important things to focus on during patrols, and you let out a sigh as you ran down the backway of the nearly empty streets. 
The heavy man who had been bound up with a decently made gag and one of Bruce’s fancy tech pieces (Batcuffs, maybe? Something else with Bat smacked in front of it?) grunted beside you. 
“What? Not like you had someplace to be.” You grabbed the back of his rather tacky-looking spandex suit to drag him along back to where your mentor was supposed to be.
Despite your (many) disagreements and his (many) criticisms of your hand-to-hand combat skills, attitude issues, and pretty much everything else relating to you, Bruce had actually still allowed you to go off on your own tonight. It might’ve been because he wanted a few hours of nothing but beating up petty criminals by himself for stress-relief, it might’ve been because he had started trying out that whole independence thing with you a little more (even though you were still only permitted to be about five blocks or so away), it might’ve been plot-convenience - but either way, you appreciated the gesture.
It didn’t take long for you to pull your new friend over to what should’ve been your rendezvous point with Batman, letting the man drop with a dull thud and a grunt of protest against the concrete as you glanced around for the other man. You weren’t particularly concerned by the fact that the Bat himself wasn’t there yet - after all, he was the goddamn Batman. He’d show up eventually. In the meanwhile, you decided to go over the information you had gotten on the criminal with you. 
Just for the sake of it. Bruce would make you go over it anyways.
“Drury Walker, thirty-two years old, found him trying to mug someone in a back alley and make an escape. Called himself…” you paused, looking down at his sorry-looking outfit for a few moments while he looked up at you with murder and vengence in his eyes. “...Killer Moth.”  
“Killer Moth?” A completely new voice repeated in disbelief, causing you to immediately whirl around to face them in a fight stance, heart racing at a million miles per hour. The guy in front of you had his hands up in the air, his face concealed with some sort of red knock-off Iron Man helmet. He was gonna get copyrighted by Marvel Studios. “Shit, sorry,” he started at the sight of you, still leaning up against one of the walls. “I was supposed to make a wholeass dramatic entrance, but you said his name was Killer Moth and that-” The man made a noise that was either a sharp cough or a laugh of some kind. “-sounded so fucking lame I couldn’t help myself.” 
Despite the fact that you were definitely in some sort of major trouble with this new guy, he really did have a point. Even Killer Moth himself would’ve been embarrassed by how trash his name was, if not for the fact that he looked like he was on the verge of an aneurysm - understandably so, since the new guy had produced not one, but two guns out of apparently nowhere. 
“And let me guess,” he continued, pointing one of them at your head, his tone still all-too light and easy. “You must be the Bat’s brand-new Robin.” 
Now this is where most people would've shut up and proceeded to be complicit with the dude holding two guns. But Batman hadn’t seen reason and made you his (sort of) partner because you were like other people. Hell no.
“Do I look like a traffic signal to you?” It had been the very first of your amendments with Bruce. You would not be fighting crime looking like a literal traffic signal or, at best, a clown from Haly’s Circus. And the tiny green shorts had to go. “Or Robin Hood?” The guy had a rather awkward pause where his gun sort of dipped. Killer Moth was looking between you with wide eyes. “Do I?” 
“I guess you kinda got a point.” You huffed and he raised his gun again, getting more in-your-face as his already angry-looking helmet somehow managed to look angrier. You weren’t exactly sure how a helmet could convey so much emotion. “But you work with Batman. And I heard you went by Robin.” 
Okay, so you couldn’t make him change the name, but you had agreed it would be more of an honorary thing.
“It’s complicated.” 
Using such a phrase as an excuse to escape from situations you didn’t want to go into was one of the many things you had learned from Bruce in your five months of training. Somehow, that seemed to trigger the guy further.
“So you do work with Batman.” 
Before he could do something actually insane, you had managed to push the gun pointed at your head away from you, using his brief second of surprise to take it out of his hands, kick him in the chest, and round back on him with it in hand. 
“And what about it?” 
As cool as you thought you might’ve sounded didn’t cover for the fact that you were still nerve-wracked about what was happening right then. Especially after the guy started to dramatically slow-clap like some sort of evil thespian in a high school drama. 
“Not bad, Robin. Not bad.” He looked at the gun in your hands and grinned. “If you weren’t Batman’s new replacement sidekick, I might’ve believed you had the balls to use that thing.” 
Now, you were an excellent fighter. You had to be, after your excessive training with the guy who had literally mastered about every martial art in existence during his (give or take) five year-long mission to find himself. Plus, some personal experience. But fighting someone like this guy? Built like a tank and padded up in a whole lot of armor and packing an assortment of knives, guns, and even a damn taser you got a first-hand taste of?
You fought hard, but about five minutes and another round of the taser later, you saw the knock-off Iron Man helmet staring down at you before the world went black.
~*~
You woke up in what you assumed was the self-dubbed Red Hood’s safehouse of sorts. 
“How the hell did he rope you into this shit?” he demanded with what you could only assume was him glaring at you through the helmet. Probably some expression that made someone look all angsty and annoyed - which was fair, since he had been trying to drill you for information you straight up refused to give while bound (way too tightly) to a chair for quite some time now. Rather rude. “Let me guess. You watched your parents die.” You stared at him before shrugging.
“Nope.”
“Oh, so they just went ahead and died somehow. Untimely accident caused by some psycho bitch in a Spirit Halloween costume.”
“���nope.” 
“They abandoned you as a child.”
“No, they didn’t - does divorce count?” 
Red Hoodlum’s hands kept clenching and unclenching while he stood there, staring at the wall behind you in silence. From the way his chest kept rising and falling, you were tempted to believe he was practicing breathing exercises amidst his rather violent twitching. 
“Divorce - what the hell is your trauma supposed to be? Why did he pick you?!”
“Hey, just because my trauma doesn’t include people dying doesn’t make it any less traumatic,” you scoffed in response, knowing you were absolutely right about that. Your middle school guidance counselor had said so (and it’s true, ladies and gentlemen, trauma comes in many forms!). “Kinda rude to assume it didn’t affect me somehow.”
He seemed rather abashed at that and you heard him clear his throat a little. 
“...right, yeah. Sorry.”
“Apology accepted - can you loosen these ropes a little? It’s starting to kinda hurt.” 
“Do I look ten? That’s the oldest trick in the book, I’m not gonna-”
“I’m not going to run, just loosen the ropes a little.” He still looked like he didn’t believe you. “Come on, I don’t think I can outrun your guns.” As in his literal array of guns tacked up to the wall behind him, not his gigantic biceps. 
And you weren’t too worried about being held hostage by him, either. You figured you had ten minutes tops before Batman burst in through the doorway, ready to give you a lecture on why straying from the specifically designated parts of Gotham he had let you traipse around was a terribly stupid idea. 
“No.” He was already walking towards the door, because apparently, he had enough of trying to interrogate you. 
“Hold on, I feel like my wrists are actually about to start bleeding or something - where are you going?”
“Keep talking and I’m gonna get the duct tape.” 
“Is that a threat?” Sounding more confident than you actually felt should eventually make you more confident. Eventually. 
The Red Hood sucked in a breath, stopping by the doorway and turning to face you, reaching into his pockets to get what you assumed was either a gun or duct tape when you both startled from a sudden crash. The man in front of you was already whirling around with two guns positioned to shoot when you heard the familiar voice of someone else.
“Hold your fire, soldier. I’m not here for you.” A pause. “Or I wasn’t, but now I kind of am.”
Apparently, Batman was too busy to save you. Now, you got Nightwing. 
And as much as you liked Nightwing, that still kinda stung. 
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prettyboyhub · 3 years ago
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haikyuu boys as insecurities they find attractive/they’d help you with pt.2
[akaashi, bokuto, oikawa, atsumu]
a/n: i’m a little dumb and forgot to open my asks, but they’re open now! akaashi’s drabble hits close to home cuz this literally happened to me yesterday :| i’m gonna make these with fewer characters cuz the first post was too long LMAO
tw: body image issues, low self esteem, cussing etc. slight angst with a lot of fluff + some humor
AKAASHI is a quietly loving s/o. he prefers to care for you in ways that are subtle and consistent rather than big romantic gestures. but when you’re ready to leave the house wearing a baggy hoodie and sweatpants in 90° weather he can’t help but ask why. he says something like, “y/n, it’s too hot outside to wear that. why don’t we find you something more comfortable to wear.” you avoid eye contact and mumble a response, “i was wearing a tank top, but my friends kept saying my spine stuck out and laughed about it... i’m too SKINNY, ‘kaashi. i eat more than bokuto, but nothing helps.” he has a pained look on his face, but he listens to you rant about your insecurities. you thought he wouldn’t remember, but when you’re in bed that night he comes behind you and leaves a trail of small kisses down your spine. when he’s finished, he reassures you. “there’s nothing wrong with you, sweetheart. i think you’re perfect.”
BOKUTO is the most loving boyfriend you could ever ask for. he loves to brag about you and show you off to anyone who will listen. but when you shy away from his pda, it breaks his heart a little. (emo mode on 10) it triggers his sensitivity to rejection, which triggers immense feelings of guilt from you. he’ll avoid eye contact and ask quietly, “are you mad at me?” seeing him get so upset over you makes you want to curl up in a ball and cry. you manage to respond with, “not at all, bo. i’m just too shy and when everyone looks at us it makes me uncomfortable. honestly, i’m just UNCOMFORTABLE WITH PDA. i love that you’re proud of me but i can’t take having everyone’s eyes on us. i’m sorry bo, you deserve someone who loves the attention you give and doesn’t get embarrassed so easily, i’m sorr-” he cuts you off. “i didn’t even think about whether or not it would make you uncomfortable, so i’m the one who should be sorry. we don’t have to do anything in front of people! we can save it all for private!! i really love you, babe! i won’t do anything to make you nervous again, okay?” you can’t help but laugh at his enthusiasm to make you feel safe. you grab his hand and his eyes widen, you just said pda makes you uncomfortable?? “how about we hold hands for now? and later if i feel more comfortable, we can add other small things.” “okay!!! :D”
OIKAWA is one of the most talented people around. of course, talent comes with fangirls. it’s like your own personal hell. he never understands why you get distant after games, sometimes not even talking to him until the next day. when he approaches you about the subject, he’d never thought you’d say you have TRUST ISSUES. i mean sometimes it can seem like he’s flirting, but that’s just his charming persona. you have to explain it to him in a way that he’d understand. “toru, you haven’t done anything to betray my trust, but i have a bad history with guys being dishonest and i don’t really trust anyone fully. especially when you flirt with those girls.. i know it’s superficial but can you at least make it known that you have a girlfriend?” he gives you a funny look before answering, “everyone knows i have a girlfriend! last night, i was talking to a few girls about where i should take you to dinner this week. i know they seem flirty, but they respect our relationship. and even the ones that don’t, they know i’m happy with you.” you let out a sigh of relief, but still needed more reassurance. “you would tell me if something happened, right?” you asked him. he let out a chuckle and embraced you in a tight hug. “of course, baby. i tell you everything. you don’t have to trust me right away, but i promise to always be honest with you, alright?” (pls can we stop making fanon oikawa seem like a lying cheating whore he’s literally a good guy omfg)
ATSUMU doesn’t go falling in love with just anyone. they have to intrigue him, which doesn’t happen often. but you did right from the start. you were a foreign student who had just learned japanese. you could say exactly what you needed to, but your ACCENT made you hard to understand sometimes. it frustrated you beyond wits end that you couldn’t say certain things properly, but he adored the way you spoke. not everyone did, though. a couple of snobby teachers pointed out the fact that you sounded foreign. when atsumu found you crying about how you hated your accent, he was pissed at whoever made you feel like an outsider. “well i love yer accent, doll. i know it can be tough, and i have a bit of an accent myself, but i’d love’ta help ya in any way i can. now if you need help pronouncing a word, just come ta me and i’ll tell ya how ta say it, okay?”
atsumu bonus: you took his offer seriously and in no time, you were walking around talking just like atsumu. his little phrases and all. the team was horrified, but it made atsumu’s heart swell that you trusted him to teach you. (PLS ISNT THIS SO CUTE OMFG)
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strangermaxine · 3 years ago
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dont you dare compare billy to charles manson, thats offensive as fuck to everyone who was effected by manson and also completely left field. go outside. touch some grass.
absolute apologies to manson victims but i only said his name bc i was referring to the fact that people say that it's "not billy's fault" he acted how he did because he experienced trauma. i'm not a history or true crime buff, so he was the only criminal i could think of as an example of childhood trauma and real life abusers. this is not an excuse, just an explanation. but, imo, it's not unfair to draw from history when talking about actual abuse victims? which is what my post was about. i wasn't even comparing him to billy, i was comparing him to the very concept that you shouldn't be blamed for your actions if you had a bad childhood ( i should’ve phrased it differently though, and i’m sorry ). i know that, you probably know that, but apparently others do not know that. people who don't want to interact w billy choose not to because he's an extremely triggering character and has literally no redeeming qualities, especially to people who experienced real abuse as children ( hi! ). and to see people trivializing what he did, ROMANTICIZING him, taking away blame...
it feels very transparent that they only do so because they want to ship with him. because he's d@cre. obviously billy isn't real, but what he did in the show very much is. i've witnessed extremely similar events firsthand. i wasn't trying to make light of anything manson did ( if i did, it was unintentional, again, sorry ) by saying his name. i was trying to emphasize the fact no one would justify/excuse abusers/manipulators/etc if it wasn't someone who looked like d@cre. i don’t care that billy is fictional, because that was never the point in any of my posts. the way seeing him makes people feel, how it triggers them, how he might feel exactly like someone’s real older brother, was. but i'm sincerely sorry for being offensive in how i said it. it wasn't out of left field for me though. it was me trying to genuinely connect dots so that people would realize that disrespecting real victims and their very real trauma by calling the idea of banning him "stupid", then essentially calling everyone who doesn't "appreciate" his character children, in favor of a thirsting after a fucking fictional character is appalling.
tldr; my phrasing was ugly, but this ask is aggressive for no reason. sorry to anyone i offended by using his name, but not to anyone i offended by insulting billy.
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michaels-reality · 4 years ago
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jsaghka whats wrong with ok ko?
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Okay so I will spoil the whole main plot of the series with it but there are 3 main problems I’m gonna get into with this series and it’s problems with character design, jokes on child neglect, and ableism with system caricatures. And this is coming from someone who enjoys the show before anyone thinks I’m just hating to hate on it. But again, these issues are so big for me that I would not recommend this show to anyone skjhskjf.
1. Issues with character design
Alright, so first off, please look at this picture of the majority of the women of the show and tell me what’s wrong with it?
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Yeah! Almost all of them have the exact same body type! I’ve seen people praise ok ko with its diverse character design but if you boil it down, almost all the women have the same cinched waist and big hips. And for the characters the characters that do have different body types, it's almost unfair to compare them to the rest of the characters, like you can’t compare Carol to Rippy Roo because Rippy Roo is an actual animal. And you can’t compare Dendy to Enid, because Dendy is a child and Enid is a teenager. And for the Ladies that have an actual difference in body type, that’s like 6 characters out of how many? And to those characters that have different body types, the Hue Troops only show up for 2 episodes and even then the main focus isn’t on them so they barely get any screen time, Punching Trudy shows up for one episode to fight Punching Judy, Pheobe shows up for 7 episodes but she’s a background character and I don’t ever remember her speaking, and then there’s Foxtail. Foxtail is probably the only female character that has a different body type that has an important role in the story and shows up for more than just background appearances.
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Compared to the men in the show, there is way more diversity but even then, there is a lot of making the upper half of them bigger and giving them tiny hips and legs. 
There is also the issue that kinda pisses me off is the racial ambiguity of everyone. Like most of the characters aren’t even human so whatever, but there are characters like enid that have darker skin but she has straight purple hair so what are we supposed to get from that? I mean, I guess there is some wiggle room for anyone that isn’t white to claim her but then you start to see that all these darker skinned characters seem to always have straight hair and that’s also a problem. The only character I can confidently say is black is foxtail and she has straight hair. And the only character that is said to have curls and an afro is RADICLES who is BLUE and an ALIEN! Like it makes me mad that our curly haired and black coded character is designed like this. Like, I get it, he’s an alien, he’s blue, he’s not human, BUT WHY DID HE HAVE TO BE THE ONLY ONE? WHY CAN’T THERE BE ANOTHER CHARACTER WHO IS DARKER SKINNED AND CURLY HAIRED? 
It’s so ironic given that ok ko has one of the BEST racism metaphors I’ve ever seen in episode 28. Dendy says kappas don’t need pow cards to be heros but it feels nice to be appreciated but this show is not making me feel very appreciated right now sjglksjgds.
2. Jokes about child neglect/abuse
OKAY! BOXMAN! I LOVE BOXMAN BUT WHAT THE FUCK?
Okay, so in the show, Lord Boxman has robot minions that he is constantly annoyed with the performance of and punishes them and yells at them. AND I WOULDN’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THIS IF BOXMAN DIDN’T REFER TO THEM AS HIS CHILDREN! It’s shown in the show that Boxman raised them as baby robots and they call him daddy and they have a very familial relationship. But it’s constantly joked about with Boxman saying how they never make him proud not taken seriously in the show. Like, in the second episode, one of the first things we see Boxman do is put Darrel in the furnace and Darrel says “I deserve this” BUT DON’T TAKE IT SERIOUSLY CUS DARREL IS A ROBOT AND HE’S BACK 2 SECONDS LATER! The robots get emotional over any sense of approval, like at the end of “Villains Night In” Darrel and Shannon literally fall apart after Boxman gives them shirts and says to “keep up the good work”, and the end of Plazalypmics, Darrel, Shannon, and Raymond get participation trophies and are really happy with that. Like, this isn’t normal.
The whole relationship between the robots and Boxman is actually pretty toxic and kind of bothers me sometimes. The robots seem to have a very intense sibling rivalry but it’s over the affection of Boxman, which is unhealthy but most of the time it’s just played off as funny joke for the tv. And it becomes even more apparent because episodes without Boxman, like Rad likes robots, it shows them getting along fine and even worrying about each other. And in season 2, Boxman comes back from the sun and Darrel stands up to him and says he doesn’t need him anymore, but one “I’m proud of you” from Boxman and Darrel is back to wanting his approval. LIKE ITS ALMOST NEVER FRAMED AS A BAD THING OR TAKEN SERIOUSLY! I AM NOT A FAN OF HOW THEY TREAT THIS! Like, I can admit it gets better after Venomous comes into the picture and Boxman has that realization of “oh I should be proud of my kids achievements” but to me it looks like this whole forgiving your abuser plot line and I fucking hate it! And Boxman still admits to incinerating his robots after the company switches over to his and Venomous’ ownership when discussing what to do to punish them and he says “I usually see improvement in my robots after I incinerate them.” 
And even if it got better, it’s still played off as a joke in all of season one and normalizes terrible behavior. Child neglect in tv shows, especially in children’s media, played off jokes and funny are never good and can be insensitive to children who are in these situations seeing it played up for laughs. You can argue that being on the villain’s side frames it as a bad thing but that kinda loses meaning in a show like ok ko where you start to see the villains as regular people and not necessarily bad, just “evil”. I just feel like this could have been treated so much better and not trivialized like this.
3. System Caricatures and ableism
Let me start off by saying, I am a singlet and I don’t have as much authority on this type of thing so feel free to correct me on anything I get wrong or add on in anyway. 
With that said, KO and TKO along with Shadowy Figure and Professor Venomous are terrible system caricatures. KO is 6-11 years old is prime age to develop a system, so when shadowy figure comes into KO’s life and traumatizes him, he splits. And so we begin our little “evil alter ego”(quoting the show! using this phrasing is terrible and should never describe a system like that) stereotype.
I’ve talked about OK KO with my friends who are systems and it makes them mad that this show had so many moments to be good system rep and then it turns around and fucks everything up! Like TKO could have been written well. TKO is very clear on stating he isn’t KO and is his own person but everyone still refers to him KO and treats him like a bad thing because he isn’t KO. And when TKO acts out due to being referred to as KO and rightfully being upset, they act like it is some evil act against them and they need KO back! Like, the show misses its own point so much!!! If they treated TKO like a person (which he is!!!!!) then half the problems they have wouldn’t be a problem in the first place. And TKO has done nothing wrong other than wanting to front! KO even talks about TKO as another person but they address him as such! 
The way people talk about TKO in this show makes me so mad, like when Dendy does tests on KO in “Mystery Science Fair 201X” to bring out TKO, TKO finally comes out to deal with the feelings KO can’t deal with and then they almost do it right when Dendy realizes she was the one that fucked up and then SHE APOLOGIZES TO KO INSTEAD OF TKO FSDGHSDFJ!!! And they always treat TKO as a threat as if he’s a danger! Like TKO’s a kid just like KO and acted out when the people around him upset him! Like a kid! And the last time TKO shows up in season one in the finale, TKO actually SAVES everyone in the plaza and leads the battle away from the plaza but because “oh but TKO is the evil” they go and try to stop him from saving them? Like yeah he got a little reckless but he only ended up hurting people in the plaza when Rad and Enid interfered. They treat him like a problem because they MAKE him a problem! 
Also, the moments where everyone tries to bring KO back by saying “you are loved” and all that, that’s actually really manipulative! Like, they’re using positive triggers to kick TKO out of front and that’s actually a really rude thing to do. They’re trying to bring to front who THEY want to see and it’s not fair to TKO who is fronting. It also goes the other way around when Dendy is experimenting on TKO to try and get him to front.
And then even KO treats him terribly, locking him in a cage, then keeping him in his head all the time, and then when he finally lets TKO out and TKO acts out from being locked in his own head for so long, KO then traps TKO in his subconscious. Which is terrible! TKO should be allowed to front and should be treated like his own person! It’s so weird how the show almost gets it right but then does shit like this that makes it terrible again. Like KO has a headspace and he creates things in his headspace and he talks to TKO like another person and they communicate their feelings but then the show turns this all on their head when KO locks TKO away and blames him for destroying everything when he’s the one trapping him in his brain. 
There is also the problem with TKO being the one with all the power and changing his appearance cus that all contributes to the system caricature. Also, TKO and KO integrating at the end of the series? ALSO VERY BAD AND HARMFUL CARICATURE! Alters are different people and they should be treated as different people and KO is not TKO all along THEY ARE DIFFERENT PEOPLE! And integration is possible but it’s usually not by choice. And even then, integration being the end goal of a story is a very ableist narrative and shouldn’t be written.
And it confuses me, why does shadowy figure have his own pow card but TKO doesn’t. Like, KO and TKO are established more as being different people than Shadowy Figure and Venomous so why doesn’t he get his own pow card? Like the end of season one, TKO fought the fight at the plaza and used his power to defeat Boxman jr but at the end KO ends up leveling up instead. And on the topic of TKO’s power, again, that shouldn’t be a thing. TKO and KO should both have access to the same power because they use the same body because that's how systems work! They use the same body!
And I know what the show was trying to do like “oh TKO is a manifestation of all the bad feelings that KO has!” but there are so many ways to do that without making a caricature of systems. Like if you didn’t make TKO a person then this would have been fine. Like if other people didn’t see TKO this could have been fine. There are ways to make a manifestation of your negative emotions without doing it like this. And the way this show did it is such bad writing, because you are meant to think TKO is this terrible manifestation of emotions but all you see is this scared kid who doesn’t know where he is and lashes out when he gets rightfully upset. BECAUSE LET ME REMIND YOU! TKO AND KO ARE BOTH 6-11 YEARS OLD! THEY ARE KIDS! THEY’RE SITUATION SHOULDN’T BE TREATED THIS WAY
And my guy shadowy figure...... bad. Shadowy Figure and Venomous’ is not only a terrible caricature but also very inaccurate. With KO and TKO, their system developed at the correct time as a child, but with Shadowy Figure and Venomous, they developed after Venomous got his snake disease. And, Venomous doesn’t even know about Shadowy Figure and that can be a result of dissociative amnesia but it’s really unfortunate. And again! the end of the series! Shadowy Figure and Venomous integrate into one entity and it’s terrible! Because they aren’t the same person and shouldn’t be treated as the same person! And again with the whole “evil alter ego”. Like Shadowy figure only exists to traumatize KO and make him split and create TKO. And the fact that they turn out to be KO’s dad??? Yikes??? Like again, these are terrible caricatures and are harmful to systems and should’ve been treated better in the show.
---
Like, I love OK KO, I used to hold this show very close to my heart and made me very happy to see this show with the amount of LGBT rep but looking back it was very bad in many ways. Like that racism episode I mentioned, that shit resonates with me! And I appreciate characters like Dendy and KO and I still love the boxbots and venomous, I just wished this show lived up to the potential that it had.
TL;DR: OK KO has a problem with misogynistic character design and colorism, normalizes child neglect, and has put out an ableist narrative with system caricatures.
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arabnico · 4 years ago
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just want to know what’s your opinion lmao I saw you saying solangelo is one of your notps and you didn’t explain so I was just wondering
i guess that’s fine. for me, and that’s been my opinion ever since i first read the books, solangelo is an ableist ship at its core that portrays a really unhealthy dynamic and power imbalance that’s very harmful especially if you take the books’ audience (marginalized children, in that case especially disabled/neurodivergent children and children living in abusive households [not calling the ship abusive. don’t take it that way.]) in mind.
there are a lot of issues with the ship, i do understand it’s “harder” to notice/grasp them if it doesn’t affect you directly. you just can’t deny will is written as a savior character in canon (i’ll get to fanon later). will is repeatedly portrayed to ignore nico’s agency/own choices in regards of his medical needs, is very forceful on nico when he pushes him away in that same context. his phrase or whatever “doctor’s orders” is distasteful and has,, weird and ableist connotations to it. there is an inherent power imbalance that comes with the ship because dating someone who’s ‘responsible’ to provide you with professional medical care is a brinch in power balance and poses a dynamic that makes it look like someone is in some aspect dependent on the other. furthermore, will is shown to cross nico’s boundaries (especially in tho, if i recall well) and like. reading this as a kid who was living in an abusive household (and still is) was very painful and triggering [again, not calling the ship abusive]. plus, will blamed nico for his alienation and made him feel like it’s something that he made up in his own head or whatever which is,, very patronizing to say the least. i am aware of how some people interpreted that particular point in fanon but i see it as... very questionable and just weird. i mean let’s pretend yeah nico imagined his alienation and being pushed away by everyone. wouldn’t that be due to, as his autistic coding in canon implies, his blindness to social cues? it doesn’t matter if it happened or not (it did.) it matters that nico felt the consequences of it and severely suffered through it mentally. dismissing it otherwise is very patronizing and straight up invalidating nico’s trauma which is,, i don’t have to tell you,, bad. nico’s been fending for his own since he was a ten year old child he really doesn’t need someone to hold his hand and kiss his scar after getting a shot or whatever. yeah he shouldn’t have HAD to fend for himself but denying his autonomy in favor of making a ship look like caretaker with a weird savior complex x character with literal and figurative scars to fix is plain ableist idk what to say. also, i just think the implications and connotations of making your first canon gay character, who suffered canonically through heavy internalized homophobia and felt like he had to fix himself somehow, date a healer is... let’s just keep it at distasteful instead of messed up. again, imagine the young gay people you wrote nico FOR reading that. is that the gay rep you praise and want to be given? i am aware tower of nero tried to mend some of those points but it,, just didn’t feel genuine and like the book itself isn’t free of some issues regarding it. imo.
fanon is a whole other story lol. still bad though. most fan content is based on will being a savior and fixing nico or whatever, infantilizing him in favor of highlighting will as a savior hero that cured him completely or whatever. also in those pieces it always features blaming nico for his trauma and everything else and painting him as someone who’s a threat to themself and cannot be left alone to take care of themself like. it’s just disgusting imo. nico is not a child i don’t know what to do to make you all understand that. will is not responsible for nico’s recovery it’s not his job to constantly repeatedly make sure he ate and slept nico didn’t sign up for having will as a nurse but for a boyfriend. nico is responsible for his own healing process he sets the pace you can’t force someone to do something in regards of their medical needs if they don’t agree with it that’s just stepping over boundaries. nico is in charge of his own needs and agency please understand that. personally, i would go as far as to say that i think that making any kind of fan content for the ship is... questionable because how do you acknowledge that the ship is ableist at its core and still feel comfortable catering for it content-wise? maybe it’s just my brain but i just couldn’t do it myself and couldn’t live with myself if i did, it’s just when it comes to consistency with what i believe in and defend and call out. as i said that last point was personal.
i am well aware you can blame most of this on bad writing or ‘out of character’-ness but like. come on lol. you can blame it all on richard if you want to you can’t ignore it completely and it also caused the creation of fan content that is very ableist like idek what to say anymore. anyway that’s very long lol i hope it’s understandable and i was able to get my point across.
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cotton-candy-in-a-thong · 3 years ago
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Noncon stories, Fantasy vs. Reality, and more. fucking. issues.
Recently, I’ve been hit with some drama as to why I’m a “bad person” by various, anonymous users in this fandom. I thought I’d try to address the claim, address my stance on fics that involve noncon, and what I think about the “Tumblr mentality” after everything I’ve seen of this place. I should also note that I’m going to use the specific words and phrases I’ve been forced to constantly repeat as explaining my stance has been very difficult for me, as I’m a person who’s apparently challenging to understand.
This is going to be a long post, with subjects that's obviously going to trigger people so here's a warning right now..
That being said, I’m going to dive into this with some shit I’ve definitely said before:
“Consensual Noncon” Kink
The Appeal of this Theme in Fanfiction:
I don't think calling fics that involve noncon "rape fics" and those who enjoy it "getting off to rape" is a very good way to put it. Many engaging and well done media pieces often involve some very dark themes. Again, Monster by Meg and Dia is a song that features the main character sexually abusing a girl he met. You COULD call this a "rape song", but acting as if the rape is the only thing that matters in this story would be pretty..naive. The story has to do with an emotionally, and physically neglected/abused boy, who grows up and becomes an attention/love starved monster who's SO starving for validation, that he believes forcing himself upon a girl he knew would "prove" to himself that he's capable of being touched and loved. Of course, the main character eventually realizes that rape is not love, that what he did was wrong, and later kills himself in his own bathtub with kerosene and a match.
However, the assault aspect of this song is still a meaningful and alluring part because it talks about how emotional and physical abuse can warp someone's perspective on reality, to the point where they think forcing someone to "stay" with them is how to create a healthy relationship. That's the same energy I have for noncon fics, especially in the slasher fandom. Many slasher fics that contain noncon often have to do with the slasher preying on the reader because of their own fucked up mind. It's intriguing because, let's be honest, pretty much none of the slashers are in a pretty good mental space lmao. Thus, noncon actually falls more in line with how slashers would go about what they believe is a "good relationship" more often than quite a bit of fans here seem to believe. Again, Michael got boners, Jason chained someone up, Fredddy smooches people against their will, Billy Lenz is a sex offender, Chromeskull makes snuff, yada yada yada, you know the drill. That being said, it's interesting to see noncon being expressed with these characters because it gives us a new perspective on how fucked up they'd likely be if the world of sex and relationships was introduced to these characters.
Now why would some people become sexually aroused by the events of the story? First of all, how does “Consensual Noncon” kink work?
u/Jumbledcode. (2015). ‘Can anyone comment on why people (someone like me) enjoy rape/non-con story lines?’. r/TwoXChromosomes.
“I'd suggest that there are several factors that make up the appeal of non-con fantasies.
Guilt/Self-image: For many people, their sexual/relationship desires don't necessarily match their image of themselves, or alternatively they feel guilt over others' perceptions of those desires. Rape fantasies allow them to mantain some illusion of denial over their desires while still indulging in the idea of them.
Responsibility/Laziness: The appeal of abdicating control isn't limited to avoiding guilt; it's very tempting to want a scenario where you have no responsibility for maintaining your lifestyle/happiness. Similarly to before, it's the appeal of being given what you secretly want without even having to choose it.
Transgressiveness: A rape scenario has overtones of danger and taboo-breaking. These can easily be exciting and can therefore be a turn-on.
Desire: Being wanted is often a huge turn-on, and the idea of someone desiring you enough to break laws and disregard everything to have you plays into this feeling.
To me, it seems that most people who fantasize about being the subject of rape do so due to some mix of these motivations I've mentioned. Of course, there are also those who have experiences which have taught them to associate non-consent with their sexuality, but that's a separate issue”.
What if the Fanfic Only Involves the Act though? Wouldn’t it Encourage Actual Rape?
Let’s differentiate fantasy and reality. Towards those with the noncon kink: it offers arousal because of the ideas listed above (the idea of the reader not having to make any moves and the character doing the “intimate work” FOR them, the excitement of such a taboo sexual encounter, and the feeling to be desired through an altered, brutish encounter). Rape is the use of sex to remove control over the victim’s mind and body. The readers DO have control over whether or not they get to “encounter” (the choice to even read) this fantasy, so right away consent is present in reality, and no actual rape is being done.
Now does this mean that the kinkers are getting off on the idea of rape? Not really.
The thing with self-inserts is that it allows you to be connected to the story. That way, even if the story has you bruised up and begging for mercy, a part of you-you (if you’re a kinker) wants to keep reading it as you find it exciting. That way, as you and story-you are connected, what you really want in such a fantasy is for it to keep going despite the brutish, possessive, however yet desired nature of the character you’re dreaming about dealing with. (repeat: the idea of the reader not having to make any moves and the character doing the “intimate work” FOR them, the excitement of such a taboo sexual encounter, and the feeling to be desired through an altered, brutish encounter). That being said, it’s still entirely possible for kinkers to have their personal space and wishes crossed, and ultimately assaulted. Us enjoying the fantasy of such a reverie sexual encounter does not spell out to real life because (in reality) we’re not horny all the time, we would still like our bodies to be respected when we find it necessary, and we still have feelings as we’re still human.
“Fantasy (including video games) leads to violence” fallacy.
It would be like assuming that shooters in games like GTA fantacise about murder, encourage it, and would do it in real life. Taking fabricated anger out on virtual bodies or NPCs is quite different from the weight of murder (the killing of another human being). One can play video games with lots of violence towards such fabricated characters, while discouraging violence towards human beings. The act of using a game controller to beat up Donkey Kong in Smash, to shoot Nazi zombies in a Black Ops game, or to kill a Geisha in Little Nightmares is incredibly, and immensely different from completely eradicating the life of a person on Earth, and to assume that everyone who plays violent video games would spill out to violence in reality would be to participate in a ridiculous fallacy. Yes, there are outliers who are feeble minded enough to let their fantasies influence their actions towards actual people, but I must repeat that there are also people who utilize these fantasies for their personal satisfaction, while understanding the weight of the real world around them (and choosing not to act so detrimentally). Therefore, it wouldn’t be fair as it would be unnecessary to blatantly say that all fantasies are horrible and should be entirely eradicated if there ARE many people who ARE aware enough to understand that some thoughts are better off staying in fiction.
Now is the time to address what’s been said:
Tumblr media
...Firstly, I think it’s very disgusting that random users, on Tumblr of all places, are trying to manipuate random victims of sexual assault into hating something or someone just because these users FEEL like “it’s the right thing to do”.. People, victims of sexual assault aren’t your fucking dogs. They’re not carriage horses, they’re not your work mules, they’re not your guns and swords...they’re just people who normally wanna be left the fuck alone like everyone else. Plus, there ARE people who have experienced sexual assault who take joy in reading such dark storylines. What would these users have to say to them? That they’re not “real” victims? That what they’ve experienced “never happened”? That they’re “just like” their own perpetrators for using the consensual nonconsent to miraculously help them overcome their trauma? Should they really abandon their coping mechanism just because there are other victims who cope in different ways?
..If you seriously believe that all people who have gone through a traumatic event are gonna cope in the exact same fucking way, you literally don’t even know enough about PTSD to even be making a bold statement about cope.
This is the part where I finally realized that people, and especially those on Tumblr, don’t actually care about rape victims as much as they may claim. Many users on here, on this platform and in this fandom, don’t truly give a flying monkey shit about rape victims as people, nor what they have to say about the subject. Rape victims..on this place..seem to be used mainly as a means of figurative weaponry for a group’s subjective morality.
I find the similarity close to radical feminism. Radical feminists often believe that women, from near and far, have to do everything in their power to “destroy” the patriarchy. This would mean disobeying the societal expectation of women, even if there are some women who take joyment in engaging in some societal standards for their personal liking. An example would be sex work. Radical feminists acknowledge the flaws in performing sex work, but believe that NO woman should EVER partake even if the woman wants to do it out of her own free will. In demonizing and ostracizing any woman who doesn’t fall into the radical feminist agenda, radical feminists actually contradict their purpose to “let women be free”. At this point, you realize that radical feminists often don’t actually give a fuck about what any woman wants for herself. Instead, radical feminists want to utilize any woman they can find just to flip off men as a group.
In Tumblr users trying to “stand up” for rape victims for their personal “holier-than-thou” ego, they fail to care enough about the very people they defend to understand the dynamics of some of their coping mechanisms, thus begin to bully some members of the group they claim to protect because of the very narcissism, misunderstanding, and controlling nature going on behind their own “activism”. So now that some users have found something to hate, in this case being noncon stories, they attempt to manipulate victims of rape into ostraciszing and demonizing fantasies and other victims of rape just because the “activists” themsleves don’t like it. Even trying to argue that rape victims have a “duty” to agree with everything these “activists” try to do for them.
Sounds awfully familiar to the attitude democrats have towards any minority when it’s time to vote. “I care about you...but you have to agree with everything I say and believe because I want what I think is best for you. If you disagree with me, you’re ungrateful and a traitor”.
Now...a little about myself.
I’m not sure of everyone else who’s into the noncon type of story, but I use it to get away from my past. In noncon stories, I want to read what happens in the chapters. I want to imagine them for morbid curiosity and arousal I feel at the time being. In reality, my attackers didn’t care when I wasn’t in the mood, and never gave me a choice. In noncon stories, I get to choose the character I want to encounter in the fantasy and NOT have it picked FOR me. In real life, I didn’t get to choose who did some things to me. In noncon stories, I get to stop reading them and do something else whenever I’m not feeling it anymore. In reality? My attackers kept going because, in the situation, it was no longer up to me. After noncon stories, my body doesn’t walk away with bruises, bite marks, and physical reminders every time I take my clothes off or try to masturbate. In real life...that shit can mark you, disease you, and then traumatize you. With the stories, I get to delete my search history, join another fandom, and act like nothing ever happened. For reality? Your own body is a reminder of what happened because it was real. In reality, I’m NEVER gonna fucking forget what happened. I’ll be lucky if my own mind and body doesn’t haunt me for at least one day..
So seeing that someone, and probably multiple people not only tried to use victims of sexual assault for their own “go get em” dogs, but to try and phrase me as someone who loves and encourages such an assault on human beings? After the things I felt? After the things I tasted? After pathetically searching for the support of relatives, just to get shut down with “you’re lying”?..
...All the times I've been held down..threatened..clothes getting snagged off..parts being opened and touched after I've fought to just get the fuck away from certain people...
According to this anon..."she likes rape".
...I guess I just fucking LOVED EVERYTHING THEN.
You know...all my life I’ve been misunderstood by many people. It’s honestly really disappointing that even now when I’m better at explaining myself than ever, I’m STILL being phrased as a “psychopath” by random people who haven’t even taken the time to even know me. Not even from a minute-long conversation through a damn computer screen. And you wanna know the funny thing? I’m probably being laughed at as this is being read. Some of these users, these internet stalkers, are probably giggling, smiling, and saying “Haha YES we GOT the bitch!! Cry you piece of shit SLUT!!”. So maybe explaining my past experiences to help everyone understand why some people may use noncon stories to their fantasy advantage is gonna land me messages going: “You haven’t been raped you lying bitch”, “Maybe you should get raped again”, “You definitely enjoyed it”, and the overused, yet strong “Kill yourself”.
So how am I gonna end this message? With me saying that many of you, who THINK you’re doing the right thing by justifying harassment and trying to manipulate others into joining your little crusade to bully people away from the fandom (over extremely mundane fucking things)...aren’t really good people. At best, in this case...you’re fucking stupid. You will never truly speak for any of the marginalized groups you claim to know like the back of your hand. Simply, you will never. be. a hero.
If by chance, by an astrological chance..that any random user wants to come up and apologize out of the blue for talking such shit and for saying such things..I don't even wanna hear it...just get the fuck out of my face..
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zenrayne · 4 years ago
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Learn presence for negative thoughts and emotions
This can be applied to any feeling. I’ve tried this with my anxiety, depression, dpdr (depersonalization/derealization), CPTSD, PTSD, anxiety attacks.
there’s always a reason as to why you feel the way you feel. Some event in your life made you where you would be seen by someone else as being “irrational” if something remotely related to that initial stressful event would happen again. So technically our body isn’t being irrational, but trying to protect us. Even though we understand at that irrational moment nothing is actually happening that should be making us be feeling this way—even if it’s ridiculous and isn’t connected to any type of event prior—it is still happening. The fact our body is reacting to it and is feeling overwhelmed we shouldn’t feel that we are being irrational but be gentle with ourselves like a parent soothes their child.
I’ve started validating how I was feeling and accepting that something triggered me even if I don’t know what it was and/or just an over exaggeration. Because If you tell yourself “I’m overreacting I’m just being irrational why can’t I just be calm like everyone else”, this completely gaslights yourself (denies your own reality). In essence our body freaks out more because instinctually this does feel like a reason to be anxious to our body. When I validate I accept that this is happening even if I think it’s wrong and I shouldn’t be feeling this. I validate and accept that this is how I’m feeling even if it’s from something small.
Then I dive into the feeling. This part feels very impossible to do if you’ve never done it before but trust me the fear of facing/feeling fully the fear is greater than actually feeling it. Over time the more we deny our feelings and thoughts, we become more and more disconnected with ourself. It becomes hard to enjoy life fully and numbs out a part of us we actually really need to pay attention to. Our negative emotion is a direct path to finding how to make us feel better. It’s like a symptom from a cold, you have to first accept that you have symptoms of an illness to then be able to diagnose and then treat that sickness. You have to first accept you are having this emotion to be able to find the root of the problem and to then come up with a plan to “fix” the problem.
When I first validated and dived into my anxiety I very quickly felt calmer. It was the first time I was ever actually present with myself and I’ve been having panic attacks since I was almost 5 from abuse. It took me awhile though so what I’m saying here is it isn’t easy at all. In fact if you believe you can’t do this by yourself do this with a therapist or a family member or friend that understands you and what you’re going through. When I first did it I had been crying and hyperventilating for over an hour then suddenly I remembered something I read about being present with yourself through hard moments. Then I just decided to try it, because what the hell I already am losing my shit why not try something different for once. So I validated myself and made myself open to feel whatever it was that felt like it was going to burst in my chest. I closed my eyes and I heard silence, my rushing thoughts had stopped, the room had stopped spinning, and I felt better.
Not every time does this happen. One time I did this and instead of feeling relief I actually felt the pain inside of me first. It was so painful! I have no idea how else to describe it but it was so much grief it felt like the pain of losing your soulmate and your family type of grief. When I opened myself up I allowed however much time I needed. So I felt this pain for 40+ minutes; just ugly sobbing on the floor in my kitchen. I was trying my best to let me handle this situation naturally without forcing myself to do anything or to feel anything. I just wanted to let my emotions flow through and out of me. At one point I naturally felt the urge to accept whatever upset me. I accepted that it happened and I decided to use the rain to grow and not to be drowned anymore by it. So .. I hugged myself. I hugged myself and kept saying “it’s okay. There is a reason why I’m feeling this and it’s okay. I’m here now with you (myself) I’m here. I’m not leaving this time.” I said this to myself 7x before I calmed down. A few times after this event I did the same method again but I didn’t have to cry so much to feel better. But another time after I had cried a bit more. Based on how big the situation is impacting you depends on how long you need to sit with yourself to do this process. I’m sure in my future I will have to sit with myself for days, months probably years before I can accept and let go so I can form a plan to move forward. And this is completely fine if you feel this is you.
So I learned that telling yourself you shouldn’t feel the way you feel, and think the way you think is the biggest form of self betrayal you could ever do. So with the example of anxiety: when I read a ton of times people saying facing your fears will help you overcome it I would get pissed off because obviously in my mind they didn’t understand anxiety especially anxiety disorders. What I learned though is that phrase can be looked at another way: it’s not always literally facing your fear physically, but facing the fear mentally.
For people with anxiety disorders it can take a couple to a whole bunch of times to get past that one fear. Which is why exposure therapy works so well for anxiety disorders: it’s the only time you ever have to purposely try to be in that moment with the fear, to be with yourself in that moment. Where overtime the fear gets less and less. Our body isn’t scared of the actual fear most of the time, it’s usually scared of what we think will be the outcome of that fear based on an experience or hearing something bad happening to someone else. It’s all in the mind and that’s the first place you should learn to be present with when all you want to do is run or disappear from whatever’s causing the anxiety. What’s the first thing a regular parent does when seeing their child upset? They sit with them. Then they tell them it’s okay to feel the way they do: giving them permission to feel. And then they give advice to move forward. This process should be done with every relationship we have with others and ourself.
All of this can be applied to any emotion good or bad. I say good because some people find it hard to accept happiness. The first step is to validate your feelings! Accept that this is happening and it was caused by something big or small or nothing at all and that’s fine. Working towards moving on would to be to be more open to future happiness.
You can take this model of validating, accepting, letting go/moving forward, and transform your entire life. being present with your own thoughts, feelings, emotions has to be done first and only then can you work forward to heal, grow, or let go.
My advice is to do this when you’re in a crisis and can’t reach any help. Do this when you have a very strong emotion that you find yourself to be pushing against. You can do this actually whenever you want. You can start off with small emotions and work your way up. For DPDR (depersonalization/derealization) do this whenever you want. DPDR is an intense form of disconnection that causes dissociation. Learning to be present with any emotion will help you to over time become more and more connected with yourself. If you find yourself really hesitant to do this, that’s perfectly fine. Just know that the more hesitant you are the more you know in the future you need to attempt this process. The more hesitant you are the more intense the emotion is from past self rejection: your body can become so disconnected from continuous self rejection that your subconscious doesn’t trust you to stay present and therefore will make it harder for you to access that part of yourself. This can be done by creating extreme fear and panic the closer you get to feeling. This can be done by blocking a memory you can’t access. Theres lots of ways your mind can block or distract you from reaching a memory or feeling that was too painful for your past self to handle. This is done out of protection for that part of you and for yourself as well, so both parts within you don’t have to confront whatever is causing your intense emotion. This is why I strongly suggest doing this under the guidance of a therapist whether in session or not.
☀️💛 Good luck stay safe beautiful angels 💛☀️
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ronsenburg · 4 years ago
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Hi! I wanted to ask you something about Klapollo. What topic/argument do you think could possibly cause them to break up or take a break from the relationship? I live for the drama and was thinking about maybe writing a fic but like I dont want to make either of them assholes, like Apollo bringing Kristoph up to hurt Klavier, for example. I don't think he would do that but I struggle to come up with something else.
Oh boy, I hope you’re not upset about this, but I wrote you an essay. I’m sorry.
Overall, I really like the klapollo relationship timeline because, compared to, say, narumi/su they have a much more normal, organic story. They meet, flirt, share a mutual trauma, get together! Totally normal! But I also think that they would have a much harder time than narumi/su finding the balance you need in a serious relationship and I can see them calling it quits for perfectly practical reasons that aren’t really anything to do with one being a jerk, you know? Here are my top things that I think they would have to navigate and maybe struggle with before a real happily ever after:
1. Money. You’ve probably seen my post where I talk about Apollo feeling uncomfortable with displays of affluence. I don’t think that this is an easy one to get past. AA6 Spoilers, but Dhurke and Datz literally raised them in hiding on the run in the mountainous jungles of Khura’in. They sent Apollo to the states as a nine year old. We don’t know what he did when he got here, but my money’s always been on the foster system. That doesn’t typically breed a sense of stability, financial or otherwise. 
From my experience (so take it with a grain of salt), children who grow up with very little tend to behave in one of two ways when they reach financial stability and/or achieve wealth: first option, they’re really bad with it. They spend it nearly as fast as they make it on things they didn’t get to have or experience when they were growing up. Second option, they never spend it. They know what it’s like to be without, so they save as much of it as they can so they have the security of knowing, if something happens, they won’t have to go back to the way it was before. I will always put Apollo in the latter category. He works hard for what he has and what he gets and, I think, things that signify extravagance make him uncomfortable. On the other hand, I think that the Gavin’s have always had some sort of wealth. Klavier and Kristoph have very different aesthetics to their spaces that we get to experience (Klavier’s office and Kristoph’s cell) but they’re both pretty lavish. Now, we can assume they each made their money individually in their respective careers but, honestly, Kristoph’s cell is so gaudy. To me, it screams “this is what I’m used to and I refuse to accept any less” which is an attitude that I feel comes more from a lifetime of that treatment. 
So if we accept everything that I’ve said above as true, trying to put a person who saves every penny they get and feels bad treating themselves with a person who spends money freely because it’s been a constant throughout their life? It can go poorly. Casually dating, maybe it’s not such an issue once Apollo says “please no more presents and can we just get takeout for once?” but if you’re talking about something more serious, where you have to live in the same space and pay joint bills and be confronted with the other person’s spending habits constantly, it’s a whole other thing. Please take it from me as a person in a long term relationship who loves their partner tremendously—everyone fights about money. Everyone. It would be very difficult for Apollo to feel comfortable, even if he knew that finances were in good shape and there was savings, etc. Things happen, people leave. Nothing gold can stay. Changing that line of thinking takes work. It would also be easier said than done for Klavier to just do an about face on his own habits for Apollo’s comfort. Being a celebrity makes money, but it costs money, too. There is a certain amount of lushness that people expect. That can’t just go away. These are things that become bigger problems overtime, no matter how much you love each other. 
Anyway, I would be really surprised if—even if you’re writing them as really happily married—Apollo doesn’t have a ‘emergency fund’ that even Klavier doesn’t know about. It’s a ‘just in case’. Just in case Klavier leaves him. Just in case he needs to get away fast. Just in case the world ends. It’s not a logical thing, something that he sat down and rationalized doing, it’s just there because it feels better to have it than to not. But that can be kind of hurtful if the other person finds out about it, so. There you go, a whole minefield of money related drama.
2. Apollo’s Abandonment Issues. He’s got them! What do you call and orphan twice over who also lost his very best friend? I don’t know, but if capcom doesn’t stop picking on my boy I’m going to kick them in the teeth. I will still never get over AA6 for telling us that Dhurke took Apollo in when he was orphaned as a baby, then abandoned him in the USA, then came back for him and got his hopes up, and then was actually dead the whole time! Hahahaha! What a trip! 
Anyway, you don’t come back from that super easy. People who suffer this kind of trauma usually have a really hard time trusting others, which is understandable. They also can have unrealistic needs from their partners, become codependent, or even just self-sabotage their relationships, pulling away first to try and avoid the pain because they think the other person will leave them. I think that last one is most likely for Apollo, especially given the disparity in circumstances I mentioned above. If Apollo can’t trust that Klavier actually loves him, can’t trust that he won’t leave him like EVERYONE ELSE HAS, then they can’t have a healthy relationship. Drama.
3. Klavier’s Emotional Trauma. Kristoph is a pretty big jerk to Klavier in the last case of AA4. He criticizes and undermines Klavier, threatens and admits to manipulating him. In the anthology, Klavier shares an “lol so funny!” story about Kristoph accidentally breaking a window while he and Klavier are playing ball. In it, he convinces Klavier that it was his fault and that he should take the blame and apologize for breaking the window! And Klavier does! That’s gaslighting, baby, and since the Anthology is supposed to be canon, we can take that to mean it’s been happening since Klavier was a kid. Think about that. An entire life of gaslighting and manipulative behavior! You don’t come back from that easily, either. 
People who experience emotional abuse can, among other things, suffer from depression and low-self esteem. They need affirmation from their partners and can have a hard time with letting people in or being honest (though not from a malicious mindset—more a “I’m going to say what I think you want to hear because if you’re happy, bad things won’t happen!”). They can also always be waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. Sure things are good, but when will that end and the bad time start? It’s a self fulfilling prophecy: if all you can do is worry about things going wrong, then you aren’t actually enjoying when things are going right and you will cause the issues you’re so worried about. Drama.
4. Fame. Klavier has been in the spotlight since he was a literal child. If the Gavinners were already hits when Klavier was 17, they likely formed and starred their rise some time before then. A year, maybe two? Klavier spent his formative years in the spotlight. He quite literally doesn’t know any other way. Apollo, on the other hand, has never experienced the kind of scrutiny he’d be subject to when dating someone like Klavier. It can be really stressful and hurtful and just overall not a good time. And I’m not saying that Klavier wouldn’t be sympathetic, but I don’t think he would really understand how difficult it could be to have been thrust into that position out of nowhere, because he’s had years of dealing with it and was in a completely different place in life when it began for him. It’s not unreasonable to think that Apollo might not be able to take it. You can love someone and want to be with them but if you can’t adapt to their lifestyle, it’s not going to work. They could walk away rather than risk what might happen to Apollo if they kept it up. Drama.
5. Careers. They both have very demanding jobs. While sharing a similar profession can mean there’s a mutual understanding, it can also cause issues if you... never get to see each other? Schedules can be out of alignment (which could easily happen; their cases can’t always line up and they seem to require a lot of time investment outside of just normal hours). If Klavier goes back into music, that’s an additional time constraint. Why be in a relationship when you can only see the other person for moments here and there? What about the stress that comes with those jobs? That can cause drama.
6. Klavier looks like Kristoph. They are very different people, yes, but similar enough in some ways that it could cause tension. Maybe Klavier is tired and stressed and snaps at Apollo, and suddenly, all Apollo can see is Kristoph and all he can feel is the uncomfortable churning in his stomach that goes along with the memories of him. Someone he trusted, someone who let him down. That’s a difficult subject to broach, and it can fester like an infected wound if left intended. 
But Apollo sounds like Kristoph sometimes. We saw it in AA5, which is, of course, an extreme circumstance. But it can come out from time to time in other ways. A phrase that slips out, the way he intones certain words, the way he signs off in his emails—little things that are harmless, but can still act as triggers. 
Sometimes you need to get away from things that can remind you of your past in order to work on getting over them. If you are in love with someone who shares a similar trauma, who brings those issues from the past to light frequently just by being themselves, it might not be a healthy situation. I don’t think they would need to throw it in each other’s faces for it to become an issue. Drama.
There are more, but I probably took this more seriously than you intended. Whoops! Anyway, I hope that helps??? Maybe???? I hope you get them back together in the end because they deserve to be happy though!!!!!!!
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