#especially since i stay up so late
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Very glad my team gets the option to work from home for quarter-end week 😌☕🥐
#ore no kao#especially with an 8:30 3-hour meeting i almost went into the office for since i wanted my second gym day for the week#but seeing a friend last night--really fun/hot (still loving how he loved my ass and how i was blowing his cock 😌😌😌)--ran way late lol#[we grabbed drinks nearby then brought him to my place as it was pouring so that was a nice excuse to remove shirts lol#but ugh between his chest hair his eyes his lips his dick his ass his being a bit taller than me... what was i adding here again]#[he works at a museum and gets freebies sometimes so we did talk about seeing one nearby sometime and we got on really well over drinks too#[had met him at the queer liberation march last year and we stayed in touch some on IG but we saw each other on a site and he hit me up]#[i still have his umbrella since my roomie was in the bathroom with it as he was leaving so that's incentive for next time haha]#anyway should probably try to get some work done 🥱
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boy in silly sitting positions compilation
#cats#I especially like the last one where he just has one single paw poking out of that box for some reason lol#I still have costumes to post and like a billion other things.... grr... constantly failing at staying active on social media aughh#I think because currently my Main Focus is on trying to get my game done and stuff.. which basically just means sitting and writing all day#so there's not much to post about. Though I know the Good At Social Media thing to do would be to post about the#writing and share progress and talk about the game and characters or whatever to try to build interest or something but that is SOOO weird#to me.. I could maybe get it if it was like a tiny tiny discord groupchat of playtesters with like 5 people in#it.. But something about talking openly about things before they happen is weird to me?? Like presumptuous feeling or something#''oooo guess whats gonna happen LATER!!!'' like.. how do you know.. what if it doesnt. what if you dont finish it. what if its not the way#you think it's going to be. what if something changes. etc. Like I literally avoid movie trailers and game trailers for the same reason ghj#Even if it's not ME doing it it just feels... weird.. Maybe it has to do with my OCD and how I just don't like talking about ''future''#things in Certain Terms. Like if I was going to say ''Oh yeah sure. come over to my house in a few months''. I would have to follow it up#with like ''HOPEFULLY you can come over to my house in a few months'' or 'They'll come over in a few months MOST LIKELY''. Because just#stating that something will happen matter of factly takes for granted like.. what if somehting horrible happens and I DONT have a house#in a few months? or what if something bad happens to me. or to the person coming over? I can't ever DEFINITELY say with 100% certainty#that one could ACTUALLY come to my house in a few months. anything could change. So I have to allot for that in my phrasing. hbjjkn#There are a lot of situations where you're expected to just Assume Things but for some reason that bothers me. My brain literally does not#even Assume the most basic things.. like how do *I* know that just because it's someones birthday that they want to be wished a happy#birthday? what if they dont? everyone is different and has different preferences. I should check with them first. or wait until they public#ly announce that theyre accepting birthday wishes. I have to allot for all 5034859069 rare possibilities at any given time and never take#anything for certain. etc. ghjbjhbh.... ANYWAY.. I have been feeling a bit sick lately as usual.. but still slowly making progress on some#things. Moslty I need to edit costume photos. make sculptures. and work on the game. Going back reading some of the old writing from like#2018 and suprisingly I don't have to change that much of it? In fact I like it mostly. so that's good. I would be very interested if I were#playing the game myself. Though that doesnt mean much since my tastes are so niche lol..#Still really want to clear some of my million tumblr drafts as well... alas and aughh and ooughh and so on and so forth. Between all of my#evil appointments other such things...why cant I have one billion dollar to retire into relaxed hermit artist life of no stressors.. bleas
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PEGGY LETS CHAT :D
I am… mildly buzzed with alcohol (gotta counteract that energy drink I used to stay awake 26 hours) what are we gonna talk about
Can we talk about Dragon Wars and his Link friends
HIM AND IMPA
When are they GINNA HIG PEGGY
I should draw more Power and Ware fun
**WARS. I’m giving up on typing
Looks like we should both go to bed LOL
Link friends <3 with Mask and Tune its never clear who's big-brothering who, because Wars will big brother the both of them but Tune will do it just as much in turn and also Mask will yell at them when they're both being weirdos and refusing to do things like eat (for example).
Him and Impa <3 they will hug eventually I promise, I just have to figure out what exactly happens when. Like do they have a the emotional conversation after Link gets stupid and cocky and almost dies? Do they have it later when Ganondorf shows up and kinda thrashes Impa? Does it not happen until even later?? Do I wait until it's like final battle time for them to break down and hug??? I do not know. yet. I'm planning on working on it extensively once I finish whumptboer. I need to actually get my timeline in my head on paper instead.
Oooh I should also draw htem having fun that would be fun
your typing is catching Skye
okay I think bedtime now
#answers from the floor#skyloftian nutcase my beloved#hdw au#my siblings are finally winding down so its time for me to do the same lol#especially since i stayed up rather late last night#which is probably part of why i feel so terrible rn#but i feel better than i did thank you for the nice ask <3
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I swear. I comprehend I’m not the best teaching intern in the world. I also was not the best camp counselor, cashier, and so on. But if my observer gives me so much criticism that I cry again I’m going to be so motherfucking pissed.
Especially since she’s asking me to stay late just to review me. While I have family visiting. And I’m gone for most of the day. And my commute is over half an hour. Which isn’t bad around here but still.
#vent#I’m working on it but I cry after like 5+ concentrated minutes of disappointment from bosses and such#we’re staying late because she observed yesterday but#but just like last week she thought my planning period was *at the wrong spot*#it turns out that I did tell her wrong twice FUCK#BUT THERE WAS ALSO ONE TIME I DID TELL HER RIGHT I SWEAR. PLUS I TOLD HER LAST WEEK IN PERSON. I COMBED THROIGH MY EMAILS#I just sent an email with all the correct information so hopefully that resolves the issue#I cried for like two days last week. her criticism is fairly valid but alsoooooo I’m trying to work with my partner Teachers values& methods#WHICH THE OBSERVOR ESPOUSED. last week she was like ‘omg your partner teacher is the best omg you better treat her as the great resource#that she is’ and meanwhile I like my partner teacher but her methods are boring and teacher centered#she swears it’s how she gets through to these kids and I can see that#like by tenth grade a huge change in educational structure would probably be more distracting than helpful for the better part of a year to#these kids#especially since I’m here for maybe a month.#not worth fucking these kids over#and considering the students get to use their notes on tests im just. kind of blanking on better ideas???#even the kids in the ‘smart’ periods are so hesitant with so many math skills#I just want to fix it but I’m basically at the end of the process. idk#my cashier job made me come in on my day off (I did clock in) to get criticized#idk how to stand up about this with a woman who can decide whether I pass or not but god I hope this isn’t going to be a pattern#she didn’t have ONE fucking good thing to say about me last week#my mom suggested that I ask for a compliment when I’m near tears because that might stave off any tears#I’m hoping her method works
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The Fernweh Saga by @lacunafiction - Davor edition
I-I think Ms. Verner doesn't like him...😳
Davor "Dove" Kovač 🐝 RO: Becca Warrick
Personality: cautious // aloof // pessimistic // flirtatious (only towards Becca ...and Reese??) Traits: head // independent // resistance // believer Past affinity: math Primary ability: extrasensory awareness Past susceptibility: forward. 'it’s better to push forward. don’t look back on the past when you have new places to be and things to achieve.' <<< his motto
🕊️ Fernweh: Davor lived a happy life there and didn't think about leaving in the future. Maybe for some trips, but he knew it would always be his place, his safe place... 'It was a mistake to come back here.' - that was his first thought when he tried to fall asleep on the first night in Fernweh. The nightmares came back as he thought they would. He wants to leave as soon as possible because he feels that it is not safe for Becca to be here.
🕊️ Gramps Dan: That was his gramps who taught Davor how to play the guitar. As a young child, Davor always admired him and believed he was the most intelligent person in the world. After the death of his parents and how his grandfather treated him, he was devastated and angry. He wanted answers soo badly but didn't get any. He lived loathing his grandfather ever since. The news of his passing stirred up a lot of negative emotions that Davor had previously managed to suppress. At the beginning of the story he couldn't care less about his grandfather, but because of his journal he started to believe him. Things that his granfather lived through made Davor even more angry at this messy town …but he's willing to forgive his gramps…
🐝 Becca Warrick: It was a ...funny story that brought both of them together and they look after each other ever since. He considers Becca as his precious (not in a negative-possessive way) treasure, he literally can't let anything bad happen to her. That was also she who came up with the nickname 'Dove'... (and she's literally the only person who calls him that, others wouldn't dare...). He had feelings for her for quite some time but didn't act on it... until now. Although he didn't express it, he felt very nervous about Becca being in the town where he grew up. He was curious (but also scared) about what she could think of this town. He felt like he was revealing more of himself to her…. and he forgot about any worries pretty fast, because the town started being weird as fu--.
🕊️ Reese Verner: Back then Davor was quite cheerful and enjoyed competing with Reese regularly. They teased each other a lot. Davor always thought that Reese had a crush on him, was it true tho? donut know, but he certainly had. ...why does he appear in his nightmares? Maybe the crush stage never disappeared...? Seeing him again was a nice experience, sure... but ignoring the circumstances, he is still unsure if it was worth it and is struggling with his thoughts… Would it be worth it to return to Fernweh just to see him... again? welp, good thing he doesn't have to think about it much, am I right?
🕊️ Sofia Dorran: The two of them maybe did not have a strong relationship, but he knew Sofia is the ideal person for engaging in intelligent conversations. He enjoyed spending time with her, solving the puzzles that gramps created for them both. Davor wasn't a fan of fantasy books, but she managed to change his mind about them. Davor knows that Sofia did take good care of his grandfather, but he still doesn't quite know if he's grateful for that or wished she spent her time more... valuably... He was tempted to ask Sofia to borrow that book she found in his grandfather's bedroom, but he thought better of it. It's better to leave Fernweh… Even so, his curiosity wasn't properly fed.
🕊️ James Corvin: Maybe not brothers by blood, but definitely brothers by choice. Davor treated him as if he was the brother he always wanted to have. Back then Davor always placed a high value on his family… until now. At the time, Davor tended to be more impulsive and James was usually the one who kept him from getting into trouble (which often involved Reese). It was really hard, for both of them, to see each other after so long. Their first interaction was pretty awkward... I would even say that most of their interactions were . James noticed how Davor changed the question is: for the better or worse? I don't even know. Everyone can sense, that things around them are different now, and they aren't as close as before. Will it change?
🕊️ Alek Corvin: …To say that Alek wasn't a fan of Davor would be an understatement. Was it because James spent most of his time focusing only on Davor trying to get him out of trouble? Did Alek observe any possessiveness from Davor towards James? Or maybe simply because of the bond between those two, which was truly something that others would envy and desire? Davor never considered it, especially when he left Fernweh permanently. :)) As you can imagine, Alek doesn't seem very happy about Davor's return… But he took an interest in his new friend, Becca, which did not go unnoticed by Davor and he isn't really happy about it.
🕊️ The Waitress: Oh boy, it seems that Davor has taken up a new hobby, which is glaring harshly at the waitress. He finds her mistrustful and he smells trouble. Had they met when he was younger, there may have been a slim chance of them getting along.
🕊️ Waffles!: So um… Davor has a little issue with dogs and because of that his relationship with Waffles isn't as wonderful as I wish it would be... However, I believe that with time and help from Becca, they will eventually become friends.
#actually about his scar i have this whole headcanon... featuring some...umm.. doggos and Becca... 👀 especially how they met#(Davor was always team cats but after that incident even more xD)#also ouch that naming scene it hurt me so much! but i get it ;; aaaa! Davor why are you being so problematic Waffles is wonderful!!!#it was really interesting for me to messing with Davor in nightmares and showing him Reese!! the feelings the emotions aaaa#also yeeaah Davor thought several times if it would be a good idea to come back to Re-- *cough* Fernweh... and then Becca happened...#generally speaking Davor has a keen interest in Slavic mythologies and culture particularly those from western and southern regions of-#-Europe. I imagine that his father has roots in these regions and he took great pride in his heritage. Often taking about it to Davor#...and since Sofia's a smart girl she lent Davor a fantasy book written by Slavic author who took a great inspiration from Slavic myths👼😊#yes it was enough to change Davor's mind about fantasy books XD he never really read one before he just assumed it's BORING!#and now I'm sure he will throw questions at Sofia about this book she found even more since he's staying at Fernweh... I can imagine how-#-they both are staying up late studying it and comparing their notes... it would remind Davor about the time they were kids-#-it seems that his Gramps gave them both the last puzzle to solve... will they succeed?#and ooohh that will be a hard time for James and Davor... that rejection at the end of book one wont help them im sure XD#about Davor's 'possesivenes' over James... Davor was needy that's true but he would never think about 'stealing' James from Alek or-#-'claiming' James belongs to him. I hope im not crossing a line here but in my headcanon Alek was TOTALLY jealous over their friendship#and Alek THOUGHT that Davor was receiving more attention from James 👀#//which obv isn't true because James would never allow it. Alek is always a number one in James' heart//#in mine too I love A!!!! 💖 they're a BABY#but i must say that Davor didn't really think about Alek's feelings back then. he wasn't aware how Alek could feel- that's not an excuse#super curious about book two and how his relationships with every single one of them will develop!!!#fernweh saga#oc: davor kovac#no i totally did NOT change his surname..
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oh my god ! haha . anyway a bit buzzed perhaps. anyway here's what happened on the date
#at some point i took the earrings off. the metal clanging was screaming their name too loud and it#was 6 knives to the throat and he confirmed it so. here's the kicker. you can be taught a lot and you can have their hands on your thighs#and you can kiss them but even if they pray even if they tell you about the bible looking into you like really they lost what they believed#in a pennsylvania countryside catholic schools with a protestant family since joining the london school of economics#even if they pray for you to stay the whole way even though their hair was softer than hers you think of her and he thinks of someone else#and be tells you none of it will make sense. they smile and they say what a shame you might miss the train but they hold onto you#the entirety of you - like a religion or a polite insistence or something to keep.#you learned they were used to losing everyone they felt bound to love. they said they got really good at letting go. you were told#you think he's being epistemologically#irresponsible and he tells you he carries a massive task. he tells you the responsibility is monumental#and he feels responsible for defining responsibility. he shows you songs and his poetry. my eyes feel on fire.#she doesnt know this. this is marylebone. the next station is edgeware road. everyone here looks happy and high and clear of the doors.#he says tell me when you get to the station and very especially tell me if you don't. the next station is paddington. please mind the gap#between the train and the platform. you say this to him. he says i minds the gap between you and i. i mind it so much that i need you to#come back. he says this because you kissed him briefly but you kissed him well. she says you're a good kisser but he says you have him#stunned. he asks you who decides the truth. he tells you you decide the truth without his mouth. you're fast enough to make it there before#the wheels do. this world is lit by glass and light and people with a pact to fall in love with the abstractions more than each other.#he tells you to be committed to your various intangible loves more than anyone. you both have to be. they love each other anyway.#i was supposed to find a persian poetry book with her on our fourth date except she was hours late. i found it with him. he didnt give up#he should be perfect and i should really like him.
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I always point out Bunk’d on the list of shows with a terrible finale (since S3 was supposed to be the last but it effectively did kill the quality of the show) but having watched the final episodes of Bunk’d that aired last night, I can now actually reaffirm that its ending is shit.
Because oh my god is it shit.
#Bunk’d#Jessie#disney channel#disney sitcom#Disney#lou hockhauser#Camp kikiwaka#I think I owe The Lion Guard and Jake and the Never Land Pirates an apology for their finales#Don’t get me wrong they’re still absolute garbage but I don’t think I felt as burnt out and empty with those finales as I did with this one#Lou gets a random-ass love interest in the last 2 episodes and they pull a soap-opera style fake-out break up#which is like#I have no reason to care this late into the game#but they also rehash the plotline of the characters possibly separating and Lou wondering if she should stay a camp director#As if we haven’t had that plotline used in the last 4 seasons (including the season that was SUPPOSED to be the end)#Again no reason to give a shit#Especially since the status quo remains with Lou staying at the camp#The Ross kids are barely acknowledged or mentioned despite the show originally centering around them#And rather emotional closure that wraps up the loose ends with the series-original characters that were written off the show#and got no closure#instead they pull a Descendants with a dance party ending that doesn’t even fully fade to black by the end#Like what the fuck#My expectations for the series were low because any chance at a ‘good ending’ were thrown out the window with every renewal this show got#But oh my god this finale actually lowered my already low expectations#For years I’ve affirmed that Bunk’d is the perfect example as to why shows should just stay dead after they’ve ended#because if they don’t they can just become a rotting shell of what they’ve used to be and lose any and all quality beyond salvation#which is exactly what happened#And by consequence I am only happy BECAUSE the show ended and not in HOW it ended#But yeah the Jessie franchise is dead and so is Bunk’d lol
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I don't think I'm getting any sleep tonight
#not to like vent or anything bc I hate that but#I wish I could shut my brain off for ten goddamn minutes one bad thought always leads to another I need to stop staying up so late.#god I haven't cried since december I can't start again especially over stupid shit. just sat in my bed wiping my eyes and struggling to#breathe for like 20 mins#like it literally is not even a big fucking deal but god I know when I get like this theres nothing I can do to comfort myself so I just#stay like this for weeks and wait for it to get better#I was having a good week too is it just hormones or am I just in a really bad mood tonight or am I stressed or is this another episode#I have a big one at least once a year#I need to talk to my therapist again#ugh#vent#delete later mutuals ignore this#like I know my thoughts aren't true and I'm gonna be fine but like
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#ive been staying up really late recently playing mh with friends and especially with my bf and it's making me so happy#i havent had this much fun with it since ... basically since I played for the first time.#god I really love this game but i have my friends and my partner to thank for really enjoying it again. im really emo about it#and also my partner literally stayed up with me an extra hour yesterday just to hear me talk about it#he said you can hear the love i have for it in my voice. the other day he told me that my eyes shine when i talked about it too#im really fucked up about it like im going to cry about it I tjink but in a good way. you know how it is#and this is his first mh too im so happy he's having a good time with it#[filled with emotions] man.
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youtube
#diana's music diary#good afternoon I managed to sleep earlier for once#which is a positive since staying up so late has been rather exhausting @.@#been debating sleeping more now since I just got my ssd...#I'll probably have a nap and install it after since my head hurts and I'm feeling drained and dull rn...#my mood's not that great clearly but it's better than it was before so that's something I suppose :3#I've needed more computer space for too long as well so I'm glad to finally have more I think n_n;#especially having somewhere to put all of my music? I've been dying to download more but have just not had enough room until now ;;#let's just try to have a nice day despite all the difficulty lately okay?
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~ ~ ~
#facing things alone again just as I always seem to be lately#I just want someone to care enough about me to let me have a moment of weakness in safety and peace#it’s not like I didn’t tell partner and bestie what today’s 15 year anniversary is and why it hurts me so much#but I don’t have anyone to talk to right now while I’m suffering through this wave of emotions and bullshit#and yeah part of me is thinking logically and reminding myself that it’s really early in the morning and they’re sleeping#but bestie hasn’t talked to me since Wednesday and just leaves all my messages read and ignored#and partner had been awake until at least 5am and said they couldn’t sleep at all and I even told them I’d need to have my breakdown time#once I got back home from work because I could feel the sadness kicking in. they read that message and then by the time I got back they’d#fallen asleep. like you couldn’t stay awake another hour or two? you couldn’t have waited for me? after I told you I needed help? of course#they need rest and I want them to be able to sleep but come on that just feels like shitty pointed timing#and they half wake up when I come in the bedroom and my voice is choked with tears and they just say stuff like ‘you’re so loved’ and#‘I love you so much’ and those are nice things to hear but they don’t help right now#especially because the whole reason I’m feeling shitty is because this is the day someone who supposedly loved me walked out of my life#so saying they love me isn’t really helpful because I don’t feel loveable or anything right now and just feel like I’m going to eventually#be abandoned again#well now I’ve cried for about an hour and a half and at least the tears are drying up finally#but I still feel really depressed and shitty and I just want good distractions with these people I care most about#even though it doesn’t feel like they really care for me in all the same ways#idk I’ve only got two people in my life so it feels even more lonely when I can’t talk to them during times I actually need to#personal
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the way i should leave tumblr forever zz
#won't do it at least not rn but at this point i don't see any reason to stay idk!!!! (vent below btw)#i just get less and less notes or anything on my art except when it's fanart#i was even surprised to have tags on my last post because i think it didn't happen since forever on oc posts.. ty for that btw#and when you post fanarts most people like it only because they see it as fandom content they don't seem to care about the art idk!!#it's my feeling on it at least#+ i barely see art and keep seeing the same bad takes as ever#nor scrolling or posting bring me anything positive lately :((#it's almost positive that i stopped being in denial about how tumblr actually is because#i realized it because art community on bluesky is so overpositive and actually loves ocs and shares people's art (ESPECIALLY OCS!!)#each time i saw people saying tumblr hates ocs i was like no.. not more than anywhere else.. sorry i was in denial actually!!#the thing is that i actually like tumblr so i don't want to give up on it#i was like that w/ twitter too a year ago ig.. we'll see#except here there is no algorithm to blame so it's gard not to think it's because of my art#which is why it affects me so much yk!! sorry for that!!!#ok done rly sorry for the vent especially since i don't really post on this account anymore#(i shitpost on bluesky as i feel more comfortable there.. come there for oc yapping ok)#vent
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ough.... i think i conked myself up these past few days trying to get chapter 3 done bc last night i was like "ill just sleep and take a break the couple days" had to cancel plans to hang out with a few relatives today since i wasn't feeling good, slept for 5 hours straight and now just violently hurled into the toilet. im just like eddie from hit game silent hill 2.....
#gu6chan's musings#somehow it feels good to work myself into illness with translation again 😭 the last time i really did was like... one or two points in 1.3?#i remember the first so clearly because i had gotten REALLY sick between the cold weather and spending so much time on Little Sister that it#destroyed my sleep schedule so my fever started setting in around the time i started work on the truly diseased#by the time i had it finished i was absolutely WRECKED with fever; writing the ending at 4-3 in the morning and wanting to pass out 😭#I'll NEVER forget that; especially whenever i look at TTD's ending lmaoooo#istg i was struggling so hard to stay focused i was RIGHT in the middle of the siege of the village till the end and wondering if i was#hallucinating half of it LMAOOOOOO#it was so nice staying up till 5 just to discuss and see my buddies reactions dbdhfjjd 2021 was a good year i think#anyways; i was planning on taking a break right after ch3 since I still have a bit more time before it's due but it looks like i was still a#bit too late 😭 wish me luck!!!!!
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Lady came in at like 1-130 saying she needs 34 100 page booklets spiral bound by 2pm tomorrow (we were only open until 3 today and open at 10 tomorrow) My mom was like Holy shit she should tip you for that Bro you think anyone where I live willingly tips people??? I don't even live in a poor area, I live in an entitled middle class area with like 10 new million dollar neighborhoods being built right now. But no one would ever dare give 5 extra dollars to workers, even regulars with batshit demands like that
#meow.txt#she was like In [city she grew up in] everyone tips everyone#her bf who grew up in the same city was like Yeah my dad brings cash everywhere and tips everyone wherever he goes#like damnnnn i wish that was me#aside from places with actual tipping systems#i can probably count the number i personally have been tipped extra money on 1 hand#im 23 and have been working nonstop since right when i turned 16.#it only really annoys me when people ask for bullshit like that#especially bc i stayed over an hour late and only managed to finish 17 of them#plus we got busy so i had to help my coworker during it#and i had to rush to close#broooooo
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I think the reader's response to this post is probably going to either be "That's incredibly minor" or "Holy shit YES I'M ALSO PROUD", depending on people's personal experiences with academia, but:
Today I am incredibly proud of one of my students.
In the interests of disguising identities, let's call them Ceri. Ceri is one of my third year undergrads (meaning their final year, for anyone unfamiliar with UK uni systems.) They transferred to us last year, and within two weeks I was giving them the contact info to get to Student Services and get themself screened for ADHD; they have some mental health struggles, but I clocked pretty quickly that they STRUGGLE with procrastination, and punctuality, and attending 9am lectures in particular. Naturally, as is the way of my people, it took them a further four months to remember to go to the screening. Lol. Lmao. Rofl, in fact.
But, they did it eventually! Their screening lit up like a Christmas tree at the ADHD section, and they got a free laptop and optional one week extensions and a study support worker named Claire. This has helped tremendously, and although mental health + until-then-unsupported ADHD meant their academic profile had slid sideways somewhat, with the new tools available and a couple of resits they passed the year and hit this year running.
Until, that is, the last fortnight.
Now, I take them for a Habitat Management module that has two assessments: an academic poster presentation before Christmas, and a site-specific management plan in May. Naturally this means we are at that happy point in the year for the poster presentations. I give out the briefs at the start of the year, so they've had them since October; I've also been periodically checking in with them all for weeks, to make sure they don't have any major burning questions. The poster presentation was to pick a species reintroduction project, pull the habitat feasibility study out of it, and then critique that study; Ceri chose to look at the hen harrier reintroductions proposed for the southern UK. All good.
Which brings us nicely to today! Ceri's presentation is scheduled for 2.30. At 11am-1pm, I am lecturing the first years on Biodiversity, while Ceri is learning about environmental impact assessment with a colleague I shall call Aeron. This means we are separately occupied during those same hours.
Nevertheless, Aeron messages me at about 12.
"I think Ceri needs to see you after your lecture," he writes. "They're panicking, I genuinely think they might cry. I'm worried. Are you free at 1?"
I say I am. At 1, I get lunch and sit in the common area; Ceri comes to see me. To my personal shame, imagine all of the following takes place while I stuff my face with potato.
Now: this part is going to be uncomfortably familiar to anyone who has ever tried higher education with ADHD, especially unmedicated. It certainly was for me. All I can say is, I never had the courage to take the step here that Ceri did.
"I have to confess," they said quietly, and Aeron was right, they were fighting back tears. "My mental health has been so, so bad for the last fortnight. I've left it way, way too late. I don't have anything to present."
"Nothing at all?" I asked.
"I've been researching," they said helplessly. "I found loads on the decline of the hen harrier. But it wasn't until last night that I finally found a habitat feasibility study to critique. Generally... I've been burying my head about it, and it just got later and later. I thought I should come in for Aeron's lecture, and I should at least tell you."
This part is a minor thing, right? But honestly, I remember being in the grip of that particular shame spiral. I never did manage to tell my lecturers to their faces. I just avoided. I honestly can't imagine having the courage it took them to come in and tell me this, rather than just staying home and avoiding me.
"I think..." they said hesitantly, "I know I can submit up to a week late, for a capped mark. I think I need to do that, and apply for extenuating circumstances. But then I'll have both Aeron's assignment and yours due at the same time."
Which meant they would crumble under the pressure and likely struggle to pass both; so me, being as noble and heroic as I unarguably am, stopped eating potato and said, "Let's make that plan B."
(It was good potato. I am a hero.)
So, we made plan A: I moved their timeslot to 4.30, giving them three and a half hours. The shining piece of luck in this whole thing was that this was the crunch time assignment - if it had been Aeron's, they'd have had to try and write a 3000 report in that time. But for me, all they had to write was an academic poster, and those things are light on words by design. We found them a Canva template, and then we quickly sketched out a recommended structure based on the brief: if it's habitat feasibility, look at food availability, nesting site availability, and mortality risks in the target release site. Bullet point each. Bullet point how well the study assessed each. Write a quick intro and conclusion. Take notes as you go, and present the poster itself at 4.30.
"You think I should try?" they asked doubtfully, looking like I'd just asked them to go mano-a-mano with a feral badger.
"If you run out of time, so be it," I said. "But your brain is trying to protect you from a non-existent tiger. That's why you've procrastinated - it's been horrible, and you've been shame spiralling, and your brain is trying to shield you from the negative experience; but it's the wrong type of help for this situation! So while you're sitting there working on it, hating life, every time your brain goes 'This is hopeless, I can't do it', you think right back 'Yes I can, it just sucks.' And you carry on. Good?"
"Good," they said. "I'm going to mainline coffee and hole up in the library. Enjoy your potato."
And then, of course, I had to go and watch the other students' presentations, so that was the end of me being any help at all. I spent all afternoon wondering if they were going to manage it, or if I would be getting a message at 4.25 telling me they'd failed, and would have to submit late and hope for an EC.
And Tumblrs
Tumblrs
Let me FUCKING tell you
They turned up at 4.15, fifteen minutes early, wearing a mask of grim, harrowed determination and fuelled by spite and coffee, and they pulled up that poster and started presenting and yes, okay, I'll admit their actual delivery was dramatically unpolished and yes, they forgot to include the taxanomic name for the hen harrier on the poster and yes, fine, I admit that there were more than a few awkward moments where they lost their place in their hastily scribbled notebook but LET ME FUCKING TELL YOU -
They smashed it. It was well-critiqued, it had a map, it had full citations, it had a section on the hen harrier's specific ecology and role in the ecosystem, it had notes on their specific conservation measures. They described case studies they'd read about elsewhere. They answered the questions we threw at them with competence and depth. There was analysis. All that background research they'd done came right to the fore. They were even within the time limit by 15 seconds.
You would never have known they'd produced it in three hours, from a quivering and terrified mess fighting the bodily urge to dehydrate via tear ducts. After they left, the second marker and I looked at each other and went "So that was a 2:1, right?"
I caught up with Aeron downstairs and he was beaming. Apparently Ceri had seen him on their way out, and had gone over to talk to him. Aeron said the difference between the Ceri of this morning and the Ceri of then was like two different people; in four hours, they'd gone from their voice literally breaking as they admitted the problem, ashamed and broken, to being relaxed and happy and smiling.
"I reckon I've passed," they apparently told Aeron, pleased. "Maybe even a 2:2. There's things I wish I'd had the time to do better, but I'll be happy if I passed."
They won't know until late January what they got, because we're not allowed to release marks until 20 term days after hand-in, and the Christmas holidays are about to hit. But I'm really hoping I can be there when they're released.
But mostly, I'm just... insanely proud of them. I cannot tell you how happy I am. And I know, I know, obviously this is not a practice I would want to see them do regularly, or indeed ever again, and it only worked because they were fucking lucky with the assignment format, but like... when life is just punching you in the face, and you hit a breaking point... isn't it nice? That just this once, you pull off a miracle, and it's fixed? The disaster you thought was about to ruin you is gone? To get that relief?
Anyway. Super super proud today.
#I mean I'm often proud of my students of course#the warm fuzzy feeling is one of the best parts of lecturing#but MAN this one got me today#the professional world of careers and tasks#adhd
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SUCH a ‘do everything you can in certain areas of your life, so you can at least feel like you have something resembling control over it’ girlie x
#going away in 11 days so i’m preparing and getting ready#i need to make a list of stuff to pack#i need to decide what clothes i’m gonna take to wear#i need to control things to avoid the anxiety#or at least try to ease it#idk i’m always nervous something will go wrong lately so i’m trying to prepare for the easy stuff and the stuff i can control#gonna try to figure out my nausea and how to deal with sitting in a car for hours#i just need to get ready™️#gonna try to swim for the first time in years#especially since i became disabled and i’m wondering how that’s gonna work#but idk i’ll try#gonna work out going out in public with my walker some more#gonna go on the beach!!#for the first time in years!!!#if i think about it too hard i feel like crying#i have sooo much nervous energy#i’m both excited and scared#trying to convince myself it will all be fine#and i can still live my life#bc recently i’ve felt like i don’t have one and that i can’t get it back#mania my beloathed#idk maybe stay tuned over the next couple weeks as i post anxious bullshit in the lead up and then maybe cool shit when i actually go#i say 11 days it’s actually more bc i’m joining everyone out there later but still#it’s not long now#gwen rambles#gwenposting
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