#especially since i became disabled and i’m wondering how that’s gonna work

[gregmarriage]

SUCH a ‘do everything you can in certain areas of your life, so you can at least feel like you have something resembling control over it’ girlie x

[lilyclawthorne]

Keeping Up A-fear-ance's Thoughts

I finished writing this shortly after 3 am after watching the new episode like three times because I simply had too much energy about it and I have so many thoughts because I simply live for clawthornes and also I tried to break it up with more photos this time sorry not sorry if it's a lot ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

YOUNG EDA!! let me just say I am quite a fan of opening with a flashback like we've done here and the last episode

"we have never seen a curse like this before" Lilith you had shit luck picking out curses huh

"cut it out if we have to" goddamn Gwen let'a calm the fuck down a bit.

anyways we've only really seen young Eda as a wild and confident and happy little child so I appreciate seeing this side of her with the anxiety and fear she's feeling here. I love seeing what the curse stuff was like for her as a kid

Gwen: I raised a perfectly fine kid

Me: no you didn't look at her she's got anxiety

I'm guessing this is their backyard or just some woods behind their house?? wonder if the portal was placed there by another elder family member.

lmao I can't even begin to imagine what small Eda experiencing the human realm was like for the first time

Gwens giving me "I can't accept that my child is disabled/chronically ill/etc." here. y’know the kinda parent that'll put their kid through hell over something they probably will find a way to learn to live with (which Eda did do)

ok that's it I humbly request to know the story behind the fang now (also the noise she made when she put it in was freaking cute)

new dress! new boots! new dress! new boots!

..yikes that fridge is empty

"calm down the curse acts stronger when you're stressed" Eda do you know who you're talking to here

confirmation losing limbs is in fact a side effect of the curse!! (y'know since Eda originally said it just happens when you get older)

please I love these sisters they're so sweet and make me wanna go 🥺

"suddenly curious about my past" "always. always curious" Luz says exactly what we all think

witchlet?? sweet flea?? she's got pet names for them 🥺 (although idk how much I'd like to be referred to as any kind of flea sorry Lilith)

ok Gwen is very much not close to what I expected and I'm kinda grateful for that

she's more like super caring but still managed to royally fuck up which was my original head canon for clawthorne parents so uh that's cool. but literally, look at their body language, Eda's pissed, Lilith's sad and making herself small. she's clearly messed up with her parenting on both of them along the way.

"who knows what they put in those nasty concoctions?" mama clawthorne would be a fucking anti-vaxxer wouldn't she

ok I side with Eda here more than Luz and Lilith. just because Luz misses her mother, or Lilith hasn’t seen their mom in so long doesn’t mean Eda has to feel all grateful for the presence of Gwen, especially if the woman has caused her a lot of trouble over the years

I feel like the fact that its actually both Lilith and Gwendolyn have spent their whole lives dedicated to trying to find a cure could probably have held some kind of weight on Eda at some point. Even though she shouldn't feel guilty or responsible for that, I still feel like it's gotta suck knowing these people have spent so much time on something you know is likely never gonna happen, all for you.

Lilith 😞 her mother really just didn't pay attention to her all these years

hey if this guy does some next level healing magic then why isn't he more well-known, huh? why’d it take so long to come across him?? Gwen do you know what the fuck you're doing cause I think you don't

Lilith just because you're depressed about your mom doesn't mean you have to bring king down too 😠

SUPER irrelevant but is anyone else just bothered by the way Lilith is holding her spoon?? that doesn't seem like a comfortable way to hold a spoon. also is she left handed??

"knife season came early" EDA WHAT DOES THAT MEAN. is this a boiling isles things or is this a it’s common for people to throw knives at you thing

also I want to be surprised Eda fell for the apple blood signs but I am not 😔 

Luz please trust you're gut on this one and not mama clawthorne

ok now I need to know why the fridge was empty but they had 18 cartons of ice cream this is why you guys don't have food you're wasting it all on ice cream.

wow never thought I'd see the day hooty became the voice of reason

also, night market ice cream?? are they implying this ice cream is like, edibles of some sort?? Lilith does seem kinda high here ngl. idk man but at least she wants to stand up for herself so good for her.

PLEASE kings just offering her ice cream while she transforms

"first in a series" Gwen honey oh no. you've been duped. I think we can see where Lilith got her naïveté from huh.

Also, nice snatch Luz 😊

anyways love how this show is basically making fun of moms who refuse to give their kids proper medical treatment or listen to medical professionals here

EXCUSE ME why do we know Gwen's palisman's name before we know Lilith's?????

"I am a mother who'll do anything for her daughter" you're mom who's suffocating obsession with one daughter has left the other neglected and is currently causing her to turn into a full on beast ya dummy

Eda DOES have a right to be upset. it sucks that her own valid emotions that she should get to feel will cause her while body to betray her.

PLEASE I’M SO GLAD LILITH’S BEAST DESIGN LOOKS LIKE HER AND IS NOT THE THING FROM THE TRAILER THAT IS ACTUALLY IN EDA"S HEAD WHEN SHE’S TRANSFORMED

but also why is she SO massive?? also anyone concerned that this is her first transformation and the light glyph trick wouldn't even work??

Gwen look at what you've done, you've fostered feelings of inferiority in one daughter causing her to feel the need for sibling rivalry that the pure instincts of the raven beast cannot suppress no matter how much their sisterly relationship had improved.

HOW COULD YOUR OTHER DAUGHTER ALSO BEING CURSED BE A PART OF THE PROCESS GWEN??

"after Eda was cursed, I joined the beast keeping coven" woah woah WOAH. you're telling me you only joined because of trying to help Eda. that covens existed, before Eda got cursed, and you very much weren't a part of one. combine that with "some words for belos" she has and do I smell wild witch theory still plausible???

anyways at least mama clawthorne is getting some sense into her head here

Morton c'mon help a girl out, that's some dang good art too what the heck dude

ok fine mama clawthorne to the rescue

no pls not raven beast Lilith crying im crying now

Gwen: I raised a fine and self-sufficient child

Me: no you didn't look at her. she's got, SO MUCH.

GODDAMN THATS SOME POWER. ngl this only adds fuel to the fire in my head that there was some kinda reasoning these sisters were torn apart, that someone felt they'd be too powerful together (and they were probably right)

"I heard you but I couldn't stop myself, I couldn't do anything" may be just because she's not used to the curse but again part of me is concerned that because she couldn't pull herself out of it even a little bit like Eda did that there's something wrong there. but she also could've been stressed beyond reasonably calming herself down too.

ok but this is sweet

NOOO im so sad Lilith's leaving :( I literally cried ok

"you lived here?" fine OKAY king that was hilarious even if im sad about this

"reconnect with dad" excuse me where the fuck has this man been in the middle of all of this. curse shit is going DOWN and he's just chilling at home.

I am curious about people's thoughts regarding the whole Lilith regression thing and the fact that she's literally going to be living with her parents again. I feel like it could help nurture that inner child she's been reverting back to and help her out a LOT. but I could also be concerned about it feeding into the regression and making it worse?? idk and this show probably ain't getting that actually deep into psych anyways

"some day my hair is gonna be big enough to do that too" Luz I cannot wait for the day. also mood, I wish I could do that too.

alright who's holding the fucking pen for hooty we need a volunteer RIGHT NOW so we can remain in contact with Lulu

NOT THE ONLY HUMAN? my bets on the real azura rip never mind she said he

Titan’s Blood?? interesting. If the blood of the titan is around I wonder what that means regarding the titans existence, and how long its been since the titan fell.

AHH BABY LUZ PHOTO

ALSO WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?? They're really gonna spring that on us like this??? Camila's gotta notice somethings wrong right??? Unless any differences she just chalks up to the camp?? oh god :(

well, anyways lumity shippers come get yo juice next weekend

anyways im gonna need to add a NOT canon compliant tag on that one Gwendolyn fic I wrote because it definitely do not comply anymore

[ecclais-fouoras]

Lap dance pt1

(chapter 2 of this fanfic)

Warnings: mentions of prostitution, disabilities

It was your friend's bachelorette party,

You Were all at a strip club drinking a d laughing.

Wilhelmina dressed in a purple strapless dress and yourself with a nice blue suit, the both of you had a silly hat and a crossing belt that's said 'nalla's last Happy night'. It was getting later and you where all getting more tipsy by the minute.

When the sexy song arrived you knew it was time for her to have fun. As the women on stage stopped dancing and walked towards the Booth you were at, you could see wilhelmina blushing and whispered in her ear

"enjoying the show here babe"

Her breath got stuck in her lungs for a second and you burst out laughing.

You suddenly stopped when you could feel the striper starting a lap dance on you, swaying her lips to the rhithm of the song.

You grew your eyes at wilhelmina and she nodded slightly. You shifted slightly as she started grinding on your thighs and picking up your hands to rest on her hips. She continued to move her body on you and turned around to face you, she was now straddling you and rocking against you with her back arched and her bra slowly exposing her boob.

She gave you a quick kiss on the cheek and you mouthed 'thank you' as she moved to do the same to wilhelmina who politely refused. Her face unreadable, you tried to see if she was okay and why she'd refused to participate. The party ended at 3:45 am and you came home later on.

You quickly got undressed and took your undershirt off. You pour yourself a glass of water and made one for wilhelmina too.

"You should drink sweetie, you're gonna get dehydrated", she took the glass but still said nothing to you.

You put on some slow beat music and made your way to the bathroom and took out the pills for tomorrow's probable headache.

"Mina do you want 20 or 40 mg tomorrow ?" She didn't reply so you poked your head out the door.

"Babe?....V?" She laid on the sofa her hand above her head.

"Mina darling are you okay ? Was it too much..? Is your back hurting ? Talk to me babe" her face soften a bit before her brows scrunched up again.

"I'm fine." You reach for her hand and kissed her softly.

"..talk to me love"

"Go to bed. And stop wondering around in your underwear. The neighborhood doesn't have to see you naked."

"Wilhelmina venable what is going on right now. Why are you mad at me ?"

"I am not mad at you"

"Yeah and I'm not gay... Babe we've been over this, you need to tell me what's going on" you sat on your heels next to her and stroked her cheek.

"I love you wilhelmina, you know that right"

"Yes"

"So what's going on babe ?"

She sat up again and looked into your eyes

"Did you like it ?"

"What"

"The striper's lap dance"

"Mina...i..."

"Just be honest with me"

"..yes"

"Were you aroused ?"

"...it's a lap dance honey that's the whole point"

"That's not an answer"

"Yes. But why are you making it so bad?"

"So she turned you on ?"

"Yes mina for God sake."

"Did you want to fuck her huh?"

"No"

"Don't lie to me y/n"

"I'm not, yes I liked it, yes it turned me on, but that doesn't mean I wanted to fuck her."

"How come?"

"The body doesn't always answer the mind wilhelmina. Your brain doesn't always control your physical reactions. That's why You can be aroused in dramatic situations."

"Since when"

"Since you're a kid mina. There's a reason why small boys laugh when you change their diapers. And why little girls grind on their bikes. And it only increases as you grow up."

"And what does this have to do with that happened at the strip club"

"I thought you were fine with what happened at the club. Mina we talked about this, and I made sure you were okay with it. "

"I was until she started letting your hands touch her."

"Babe...it was just an act. She knows she'll never see me again. And she sees people like us every night."

"You didn't seem to be acting the way your were horny"

"I wasn't 'horny' as you said it mina, but yes, a woman gives me a lap dance in lingerie, im a lesbian wilhelmina, yes I was aroused. But that's not the real problem right ?"

"I...what are you saying"

"There's another reason your upset. I watched you during the dance, you weren't upset I was enjoying it. There is something else" you place your hands on her lap

"..mina, you know I love you, I only want you, you're the only one I need, i only enjoyed because you were watching me"

"..yes"

"Me enjoying the lap dance wasn't the problem wasn't it ?"

"No"

"What was it then honey"

"...y... you're going to think it's ridiculous"

"I would never think that about something that's making you this upset"

"..i...I'll...I'll never be able to give you one."

You chuckled slightly shocked at her words.

"See I told you you'd make fun of me"

"No..no...no babe it's just...I wasn't expecting that...I don't understand why it got you so upset, it's not a big deal, i don't need lap dances"

"But you enjoy them"

"But I don't need it, at all. And especially in my sex life."

"...be honest with me, do I make your...sex life boring, are there things you miss because of me?" You cupped her cheek

"Hey...hey...hey no. Babe I'm very satisfied with my sex life. . I'm not missing anything, I get to have sex with you, and I don't care about how, or with what, or in which complicated position. I just want to be in sync with your body, make you cum, hold you close. That's it. That's what gets me off. Not the toys, not the poses, or dances. Just your pleasure, All I want is you"

"...but I'd like to give you a lap dance, or a striptease for you, at the bar I could see your face, and the way you looked at her body. I can't help but want that too."

"Wilhelmina, i look at you like this too, not in the same exact way obviously, cause you're mine, my beautiful and sexy piece of ass."

She laughed and it sent butterflies in your stomach.

"Besides Giving lap dance all day isn't that fun, and it really exhausting"

"How do you even know ?"

"I just do wilhelmina"

"Y/n...? I told you why I was upset, it's your turn."

"...well before I knew you, I worked at a strip club"

"You what ?"

"I used to be a stripper V"

"Why ??!"

"Because I didn't have any money, no friends, no place to stay. It was what put food in my stomach and the end of the day"

"Oh god...babe...how long did you stay like this ?"

"Two years and a half without my apartment and 6 month with it. As soon as I got a roof over my head everything became kind of easier"

"Where'd you stay before that ?"

"Every where, outside in a small street most of the time. If i was lucky I would find an abandoned house to sleep in"

"...oh god...how old were you ?"

"It was when I arrived in the us, so probably 17 and a half ? Yeah, almost 18...it may not have been the greatest period of my life but it was still better than what I lived back in russia. The stripping part wasn't so terrible, my boss was a nice lady, and she took me in even though she didn't have the legal right to, and it saved me from having to...let's Just say she helped me a lot." She kissed your cheek as a reassuring gesture.

"Y/n from having to what ? You're scaring me"

"Well...when she met me, it was because one of the girl I worked with before Introduced her. Wilhelmina i didn't have any other options except selling drugs but that could have gotten me in too much trouble so I sold... something else, the only thing I knew how to do." She stroked your hair to help you continue.

"I guess you could say I was a real bitch huh. "Why would I  ever say that y/n"

"Mina I was a whore. A litteral prostitute, I sold my body to anyone who'd give me a good price. On the streets, roads or forests. It's what got me out of russia, out of france and here today. I build myself on sex work."

"That doesn't define who you are today, it doesn't make you any less legitimate in your current job. And it doesn't even begin to make me love you any less y/n"

"Thank you darling, it means a lot to me"

You held each other tightly, her hands rubbing your back. After a few moments you broke off the embrace took her hand before leading her upstairs, to your room and put her to bed.

"I'm not showered honey" she made a move to stand up but you guided her back down

"It doesn't matter, just take that off and let me cuddle you."

"Alright, sweet dreams y/n"

You fell asleep shortly afterwards, snuggled up, together, your hand in her hair, her breath on your neck, lips grazing your skin.

[chidoroki]

TPN - Ray one-shot

Me? Writing about new tpn manga content? Even I'm surprised, but I am certainly not complaining! The main series may have ended but this extra chapter gives us even more details regarding Ray's realization about the truth of Grace Field house.

I'm gonna start off and say that this whole backstory about him is absolutely wonderful and it's great to see this new side of Ray. In the main series, he was always portrayed as the calm and collected one out of the full-score trio. Right from the beginning, he comes off as an intelligent tactician who's a little closed off and quiet. So to see him finally freak out and be completely clueless.. is great (in a sad way).

We all had to be just as surprised and scared when we first learned the truth alongside Emma and Norman during our first read/watch. The idea of all the children being raised as food for the demons is enough to scare any child, as we saw from many of them throughout the entire main series.

So when Emma and Norman first inform Ray about the “shocking” news and their plan to escape, he kept his composure rather well, compared to everyone else (and probably us).

I know, at this point he was well aware of the truth for years now and had to fool everyone else so his own plans would succeed, but that's why this extra story is so good. We finally get to see his true reaction and just how scared, panicked and worried he really was, so much so that Ray also had nightmares about the truth and demons, like Emma (ch2/ep2) and Norman (ch15/ep5) did, only he had to deal with them almost every single night, for years, and it breaks my heart.

Why was he the only to realize the life they were all living was a complete lie? Should he tell the others or feign ignorance and ignore everything? Why must this precious young child be stressing out so much and I can't help him?? All he wanted was happiness!

But bless these adorable panels of the young trio though.. they make my heart so happy. I just wanna protect all of them!

Anyways, what I really like is that despite how firm Ray was about saving only Emma & Norman in the main series, this story shows he wasn't always like that. Even if the truth completely terrified Ray, he did once consider saving everyone else in the house. However, he lacked the amount of information needed and therefore couldn't come up with a solid plan.

Not being able to help his family live is painful and he wishes for this crazy world to stop so badly. Back when Emma asked Ray about the shipments, he just kept quiet, so seeing now how upset he used to get whenever one of their siblings got shipped out hurts so good.

I never doubted this boy and how much he cares for his family, but seeing how he had to harden his heart to continue with his own escape plan really hits me in the feels. Ray might have said years later that the younger kids would just be a burden during the escape, but I'm sure that just thinking about that bothered him just as much as it did for us hearing it.

He knows saving everyone will be impossible, especially after he learned more about the trackers. In the main series, we know he's performed many tests on tracking devices and became very knowledgeable on how they work. That being said, I originally thought this one scene from the manga was just showing us that Ray had just learned the location of the device and made an attempt to remove it, by scratching it or something..

I had no idea he completely broke the thing though! With a simple stick nonetheless! No wonder he spends those six years gathering parts to build a taser just to disable the devices, because damn boy. Not only that, but he used that opportunity to time Isabella's movements and confirm that the trackers indeed have an alarm that inform her once they're broken.

And yes, learning he broke his tracker raises many questions, like if he broke his when he was six, then why is there one still present year later during the fire scene of the escape? Did Isabella somehow stick a new tracker in Ray's ear? Or is this one tracking device from somebody else, perhaps one of the other 13 kids Emma and Ray escaped with, since they claimed they did remove their trackers before they left the house. I briefly saw others mention something from Shirai regarding that there's another transmitter Isabella has that's different or something? Anyway, whatever the true explanation may be, Ray amazes me okay?

One of my favorite things about this extra chapter is how it compares to the main series, especially with a scene like this. With the stick scene and this one from the main series, one could almost believe that Ray pulled off such a stunt out of retaliation, an act of defiance, maybe anger or just to test Isabella and what she's capable of.

But then the side story continues and dives even deeper as it shows us how scared Ray really was in this moment. He had no idea if destroying his tracker would result in the end of his life or a golden opportunity for more information and temporary safety. And it's here he realizes that the mom he once loved doesn't care for him at all, even if he still desperately wishes she did in this crucial moment. (hold up, my heart is breaking ahhh)

Thankfully for everyone and the entire story, Isabella accepts Ray's deal, which leads him to gather all the information he can by any means necessary. With all the spent alone reading, the anxiety that came with keeping quiet, and all the pain he had to hide as he watched so many people he cared for be sent off to die, just everything.. he endured it all to just have a chance to save somebody.

Y'all.. I've been thinking about this entire one-shot all afternoon and I can't express how much I appreciate this boy. Ray is simply the best boy and my mind can't be changed!

[the-hopeless-haze]

Someone to Need You Too Much (Being Alive Chapter 4)

(not my gif)

PREVIOUS CHAPTER

Read on Archive

CONTENT WARNING: This chapter mentions past sexual abuse. It is par for the course in what you’d expect in an SVU episode but I am mentioning it here because it concerns the reader.

This is when Rafael usually starts checking out.

But you weren't how women normally acted at this stage, hell, the two of you hadn't even made it official yet or told the squad.

You needed him, though, in ways he wasn't used to being needed, having been single for so long. You'd call him if you hadn’t seen him over at the precinct, ask him how his day went and talk about yours, and you'd get him out of the office to go to dinner at least once a week.

But you never said this, you never verbalized that you needed him there, you never nagged, never made him feel bad if his work got in the way and he had to reschedule. Maybe it's because you were busy too, or maybe you were just that understanding. Either way, he’s surprised the two of you haven’t gotten into a fight more serious than work-related spats.

Rafael had been right, as this was fun at least for now, and maybe if all you needed him for was weekend dinners and the occasional Broadway show, that’d be fine. Your sense of humor matches his, you drink scotch, you smell lovely... but you had been pulling away recently; in fact, you hadn’t called him since you went out to dinner last weekend. He tries to chalk it up to you being busy with work, but he can’t fight the anxiety that the end is already here. Why the hell did he even give this a half-assed shot? Of course you weren’t genuinely interested. Of course you’d be another tally mark, another notch in his belt- and it’s not like he was truly upset, because he had figured it would end at some point the second he agreed to take you to dinner, and thankfully, the squad didn’t know yet. Still, though, this soon? It’d barely been two months.

Or maybe your withdrawal was due to that time you were making out with him on the couch - and you’d suddenly pushed him off, went to the bathroom, and didn’t kiss him the rest of the night. He broke out an expensive bottle of wine, then, and tried his best to genuinely apologize, because he did feel awful - but you’d told him he’d done nothing wrong, and that you just needed time. But maybe you’d lied to make him feel better; maybe he had pushed you too far, which truly wasn’t his intention. Rafael may be a dick, but working sex crimes gave him a much better respect for the responsibility of a man to make sure his partner was comfortable with what was happening in the bedroom (or on the couch, or wherever). But Jesus, he’d barely touched you, and he made a point to be more careful with you than anyone he’d ever been with, not just because of your age, but because he figured that your irreparable damage had been of a sexual nature, whether it was a bad boyfriend who didn’t take your needs into consideration or something more serious due to your conversation with Olivia months prior.

With that in mind, Rafael decides it’s more probable that it is work that was causing you to distance yourself rather than anything he may have done. The cases with children were always difficult, for anyone, really, but especially you. And this man? He targeted disabled children specifically, and you weren't doing well. He wonders how he could go about asking to take you off it without you finding out and without Olivia interrogating him as to why he cared so much. It's not like you're not putting in the work; in fact, it's the opposite, if anything, you're drowning yourself in it. Every time he stops by the precinct, you barely say a hello to him, and you're buried in a case file or researching something on your laptop, biting your nails down to the quick. You were always invested in your work, but not like this, and Rafael was a workaholic if there ever was one, but even you were stressing him out right now. He has half a mind to search your purse for a new pack of cigarettes, but he doesn't think you'd take too kindly to that.

When he gets to the precinct later this morning, you’re not there, though, and he asks Carisi why reluctantly. He frowns, looking genuinely upset. “She’s not taking this too well, Barba. I know she wants to be here, but it hits home for whatever reason, and Searge made her take the rest of the day off and probably tomorrow. She was crying when she left, but she wouldn’t talk to me. I mean, whatever it is, I don’t think she should be questioning the suspect, but she’s good with the kids, you know?”

Rafael would be lying if he said he wasn’t a little worried, but he figured you’d turn up of your own accord if you needed to talk.

And later on, early in the afternoon, you do.

"Are you busy?" you ask, standing in his office doorway awkwardly.

"Always,” he says, but he takes his feet off the desk and puts down his legal pad. “What brings you out here? Carisi told me Liv sent you home.”

"I...I need to talk. I don’t want to be alone right now,” you say anxiously.

"Okay. Sit down," he says.

You oblige, sitting in the seat across from his desk, but you’re still trembling. "My brother is disabled."

It all makes sense now, why this case, in particular, was hurting you so much. God, if this case turned his stomach, what did it do to you?

“He... he was raped, too. It was my dad’s best friend... basically his brother. We used to call him uncle. He was a teacher, and he’d pick us up after school a lot and bring us back home to watch us. I...I’m older than my brother by two years, and I joined the soccer team in middle school and that man would be alone with him. I just... I... my brother couldn’t voice it, not the way you and I can. Most nine-year-olds can’t anyway, you know, but because of the disability... he had no idea. He didn’t know the words to explain what happened to him, but he would start saying he didn’t want to go home with this man. My parents both worked long hours, and they were on the outs anyway, so they just thought he missed them and didn’t look into it. They trusted that man... and I did too. Until... one day a game was canceled because of rain, and I walked in, and...”

You stop talking, silent tears falling from your eyes. Rafael gets up, coming round to the edge of the desk to stand closer to you.

“Hey. Take your time,” he whispers, leaning over and putting a hand on your shoulder. “I know this is hard.”

You nod, looking up at him. “I barely knew what sex was at that time. I didn’t really know what to call it, but I knew my brother was getting hurt, that the man was taking advantage of him, and maybe I should’ve called my mother or my father or the police, but I didn’t. I froze for a few moments and then I did the only thing that came to me and I tried to pull him off my brother. It worked, I scared him enough to make him stop but he grabbed me and...he did the same to me. I just remember it hurt so bad... like he was tearing me in half.”

Rafael shudders, but even still he’s in awe of your brazenness even at 11 years old. Just going right in and apprehending the perpetrator. You were born a detective, in a way.

You’re sobbing, now, and really, he can’t blame you. Suddenly, you get up, throwing your arms around him, and if you were ever in need of a hug, he supposes after recounting this story would be the prime time.

“Hey, hey, shhh. No one’s gonna hurt you now, (y/n),” he murmurs, running his hand over your hair. “Lo siento. Shhh. Shh.”

He calms you down a little bit, whispering condolences in Spanish and kissing the top of your head. Rafael doesn’t know exactly what to do as he’s never been good at comforting anyone. It’s something his exes would yell at him for time and time again, assuming his awkwardness meant that he didn’t care they were upset. It’s just something he wishes he could avoid, that everyone could sort out their issues alone as he did. But that was a joke, wasn’t it? Like he’d sorted anything out in these four decades of being alive. He repressed them, sure, but healed from them? No. And maybe it wasn’t fair to expect everyone to live that way.

And again, he can’t really blame you for needing someone right now, even though he sort of wished it wasn’t him (and he does feel guilty for thinking that, but it’s still true). What you’d gone through, well, it was unthinkable, and he imagines you relive it through the eyes of your brother every time you talk to one of these victims. What solace could Rafael give you right now besides, “Oh, honey, it gets better”?

Fuck that. Maybe it did get better, or you got better yourself, but none of that was going to come from Rafael trying to manifest it with his meaningless words. Rafael presumes another reason you came here besides your (ongoing?) fling was because he wasn’t an SVU detective and wasn’t going to revictimize you. So, instead, he asks what a lawyer would ask. “Did he get convicted?”

“Yeah. He did get put away,” you continue, as you pull away from him a little, still holding onto his arms. “It took me a while to come to terms with it, but I couldn’t let him continue to do that to my brother. I told my parents within the week.”

“Did your father believe you?” he asks, unsure if that was insensitive to ask.

“My father definitely didn’t want to believe it at first, but he always believed me for everything. We were always close, still are. My mother... I think she felt she failed as a mom for not noticing it, so she was in denial for a while. The detectives that dealt with it... they didn’t even look into the school, they just tried him for our case. And I always hated them for that, when I was old enough to realize.”

“Is this why you became a detective?” he asks quietly.

“Well, sort of. I wouldn’t have if I didn’t know about SVU; that’s why I have all those psychology credits too. I wasn’t entirely sure what I wanted to do. I always wanted to come to New York, though, and you know, I thought I’d be able to help children who went through the same thing my brother and I did. I just didn’t think it’d be this hard,” you say, looking up at him.

“Of course it’s hard. SVU is hard for me, too, and I haven’t experienced anything like that,” he says, swallowing thickly. But that was a lie, in a sense, as he'd been beaten before by the hands of his own father and watched his mother suffer as well. There was a reason he was distant during domestic violence cases. He hopes you don't notice this omission, and he looks at you sympathetically instead.

“I thought I could handle it, though, and not act like a basket case,” you say, turning away from his gaze. “How am I supposed to help anyone if I get sent home?”

“Why did Liv send you home?” he asks, again wondering if he was asking the questions you needed to answer. A good part of his job was figuring out the right questions to ask, but this was overwhelming. “Not that I don’t agree, but I’m just wondering what she said."

You roll your eyes, sniffle a little. “She said it wasn’t good for my mental health to be around the suspect and that I was going to stress out the parents. No one on that squad knows what it’s like to live with and love someone with a disability, Rafael, and I just... I want to be there. I could help, if she’d let me.”

“Now isn’t the time to beat yourself up. I think the time off will be helpful to you," he says, squeezing your shoulder again. Wasn't that the catch-22? You join these professions to help people like yourself, but you hurt yourself in the process and become of no use. He thinks back to the first domestic violence case he was put on, a family not unlike his own, and it nearly broke him down, nearly made him quit and throw away those seven years of education. But he didn't. And you wouldn't walk away either.

“How is your brother doing now?”

“Ben - his name is Ben - he’s doing better. He's very shy, and he can get anxious and have panic attacks. He has fragile X syndrome, and that’s what caused his autism... I used to try and take him out everywhere with me once I got a car, to help him get used to talking to people. It doesn’t help, you know, the way people are when they see someone disabled, and sometimes it’d be hard, but... I just want him to live as normal a life as possible. He still lives with my mom, now. I just think the assault made him so much worse. I mean, I don’t know if he’ll ever get a job, now, or... it’s just hard to think about sometimes.”

“I can only imagine,” he says softly, because he really has no idea.

“Well, I’m just gonna...I’m just gonna go home,” you say. “Thank you for listening. I needed someone to. I know it’s a lot. But I don’t want to take you away from this case either. We’re already one person down since Liv kicked me out, and if I needed you to win the last case... I absolutely need you to win this one, Rafael. I didn’t get to question that man but I was on this case before and I know he raped them, that fucking bastard—“

“Hey, hey, calm down,” he says gently. “Okay. I know. I watched Liv interrogate him earlier. I believe you, and you know I’m going to do everything I can. I'm going to charge him, and we're going to get him.” Jesus, he needs to stop promising you guilty verdicts. But how the hell could he say no when this clearly meant the world to you? This was all too much. What the hell did you need?

“Okay. I know I’m asking for a lot but I need... I need this. And I can help you however you need. Liv can’t stop me from helping you prep witnesses or—“

“Slow down, (y/n). You still need the time off. You know that, right? You’re going to keep getting kicked off cases if you keep trying to push it. I know how Olivia is when it comes to this.”

“But, Rafael—“

“No. We’re done talking about the case, now, okay? You need to think about something else and get your mind off it for a while. Did you want to go get coffee?”

Fucking coffee. Why did Rafael think that equaled comfort? Maybe because the harsh acidity of stale coffee was his only friend some days, and he’d learned that a good cup could be a great mood improvement. Fuck, that was sad, wasn’t it?

“No, it’s fine,” you say, your face falling. “You need to work. I’m just going to go back home, then.”

You turn to leave, grabbing your purse with shaky hands, but he stops you.

“Are you sure you should be alone right now?”

“You’re working, Rafael—“

“Yes, I know, but you’re welcome to stay here.”

You force a smile, shaking your head. “No. It’s okay. I appreciate it. Are you free later though? I know we haven’t gone out in a while, and I could use the company.”

So you didn’t want to end things. Rafael is simultaneously relieved that you wanted to stick around and terrified for the very same reason.

“You know what?” he says, feeling a brazenness he’s unsure of the origin of. “Do you want just a night in? I can give you my apartment key. If you want to go there now, you can. I’ll meet you there later. I’ll try to get out around 7.”

“You want me to just hang out in your apartment?

“Yes,” he says, kissing the top of your head and giving you the key. “I have good scotch, and I guarantee I have a better shower head installed than your apartment. Just go. Make yourself comfortable.”

“Yeah, just say my apartment's a piece of shit, Rafael," you scoff.

He smirks. "That's not what I said. It's not bad for a single woman on a detective's salary. I can tell you saved for it. But it's nowhere near the lap of luxury."

"Oh, but your place is?" you counter, hands on your hips. You're still stressed, he can tell, but maybe you needed the banter. He hopes he's not pushing it too far.

"No, I wouldn't go that far. But tell me, where would you rather spend the night?"

You roll your eyes at him, and he knows you've conceded.

"Do you have anything in your fridge?" you ask. "I could at least cook."

“Probably not. But don’t worry about it. I can pick something up on my way home.”

“No, you don’t get it, I like to cook. Sonny gave me new recipes. You have a bigger kitchen than I do..."

“Is that what would make you happy?”

“Yeah. I need to put my mind on something else right now; like you said.”

“Then... have at it. Don’t burn my place down, though.”

You roll your eyes, kiss his cheek, and leave.

He’s not used to having to take care of anyone. It's been so long since he let anyone get this close, that they felt he would take care of them. Maybe that wasn’t what you were looking for. He wasn’t your father; maybe you just wanted support from an equal. Maybe he wanted to give it. It’s foreign, the feeling of walls he’d spent so long trying to build cracking at the foundations. But hell, if anyone could... couldn’t it be you?

It’s not like Rafael was opposed to long-term, except, well, he was. He’d say there was never an opportunity, he’d tell his mother there was just no one out there. But it’s not like he tried, either.

With you, it’s not much like trying. It all just happened effortlessly, on his part, at least. You made the first move, and most of the successive ones after that. And you’d said you didn’t know what you wanted - yet it’s becoming clearer to Rafael that what you were the kind of person who needed a partner, a lover, possibly a husband. That makes him beyond uneasy. He’d grown to care about you more than he would have liked these past couple of months, but that didn’t mean he was ready for that kind of commitment, if he ever would be.

And this, now, this requires more effort on his part; it requires more of himself to be used to try and help you feel better.

When he comes home that night, the kitchen is a complete mess, with flour in every crevice, dirty pans in the sink, and grocery bags left on the table. It damn near gives him a heart attack, and maybe he would’ve yelled at you, but he swallows his anger down bitterly. You need gentleness, kindness, softness right now, and that’s a tall order for Rafael, especially when you destroy his apartment... but he couldn’t forgive himself if he hurt you when you were already down. Kitchens could be cleaned. Trust couldn’t be repaired.

It might all be worth it, though. And, as it turns out, maybe Carisi was good for something, or you were an amazing chef (perhaps both) because it might have been the best pasta he’d ever had in his life.

“So you made this? These little things?” He stabs into a couple more pillows of pasta, enjoying the fresh, springy taste.

You laugh, clear and bright. You’re a little tipsy; you’d taken full advantage of his scotch collection, but you needed to take the edge off. “They’re called gnocchi, Rafael. And yes. I made them from scratch.”

“I just might have to keep you around,” he says, smiling at you, and you giggle, kissing his open mouth.

“You better,” you say, moving to sit on his lap. He wraps his arms around your waist. “Anyone else I’ve tried to get close to... it scares them. Or they don’t comprehend how big of a deal it was. It broke me, Rafael. It broke my whole family. You might be the only man I’ve been with who’s understood the consequences that has on a person and still not look at me like it’s all that I am.”

“I know. It’s not who you are. It’s something that happened to you,” he murmurs in your ear, kissing your cheek chastely. “I would never change my opinion on you based on that.”

If anything, all your story does is cause him to have greater respect for you, not because you survived, because what other option did you have? No, it’s how selfless you are, putting your brother before yourself, choosing this career path over a million others that would have been much easier on you. Judging people based on what they had gone through is ridiculous. That tells you nothing about a person. It’s what they do in the aftermath of the things that happen to them that shows you who they are.

What was Rafael then, in the aftermath of the pain he had been caused?

He doesn’t want to think about that. Ugly things like that were better left unsaid. But eventually, he knows, you’d go there. You’d unravel the real reason why he was single, why he never asked anyone to marry him, why he was so scared to get close... but not yet. Tonight was about you.

“I need to get back out there, Rafael. I need to help those kids,” you say, your voice shaking.

“You will. You’re going to. But you need to know when to step back, (y/n). You’re going to burn out if you don’t,” he says softly.

Rafael still doesn’t feel like he’s doing enough; he feels like you need more than he’ll ever be able to give. And you’ve had to have been hurt in relationships in the past, Rafael knows how teenage boys are having been one himself. God, if he could smack his younger self in the face, he would, one thousand times over.

“I...I do agree that it wouldn’t be good for me to talk with the suspect. I’ll gladly leave that to the rest of the squad. But those kids? The parents? You know that no one is better suited for prepping them for court than me. Let me help you, then.”

“Okay,” he concedes. “But... I have conditions.”

“Naturally.”

He smirks a little, pecking your lips softly. “You’re right. No contact with the defendant. And you need to talk to Olivia first.”

“Rafael—“

“Don’t you want to get paid for this?” he says, smiling wryly. “It is work, you know.”

“You just want to make sure I’m cleared so it doesn’t come to bite you in the ass somehow.”

“Well, yes, of course. Olivia would find out that you helped. Also... you need to back away if it gets too much. I’ll send you home, too, if necessary.”

You sigh, nodding. “Fine. Agreed.”

“Okay. Now we’re done talking about it for the rest of the night.”

“Thank you, Rafael,” you say, looping your arms around his neck. “You’re a hard ass most of the time, but you really helped me today. You just see things so clearly.”

He helped you? He hoped so, that something he did got through, but he didn’t really believe anything could. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t emotionally drained, though, as he definitely wasn’t used his emotional support being needed this much.

“Listen...I’m not trying to rush anything either, but I just want you to know I’m glad I have you around,” you say softly.

“Me too,” he says, honestly, and it all feels so strange, letting someone use him to feel better. It felt good, though, to see you in a better mood, even though he doesn’t feel like he’s entirely the cause of that. Scotch certainly helps. Good food does, too. Solitary comforts, which Rafael knows too well. “Thank you for cooking.”

“You’re welcome. I should cook more often, really. Your blood pressure must be through the roof with all the takeout you eat.”

He squeezes your waist tighter, ignoring your comment, ignoring the fact that he might possibly need you too. You run your fingers through his hair, your nails scratching his scalp lightly, and you kiss him gently.

“Well, I got to clean the kitchen I destroyed,” you say.

“I’ll help,” he says, and you kiss him again. It’s gentle, too soft yet too much, and there’s something in your eyes when you pull away, something real, there, something he doesn’t quite recognize or understand at first. It aches, it pulls at heartstrings that maybe have never been touched before. It scares him, a little. What happened to you saying you didn't want to rush things?

For once, words fail him. All he can do is lean up, place his hand on the back of your neck, and kiss you again. He’s careful not to push too far, not to scare you off. You need someone willing to take his time; someone willing to give you his all. Was Rafael really that man? Was he really up for the job?

Maybe, he concedes, that was for you to decide, not himself.

You get off his lap and smile at him before starting to work on the floury mess caking his counter island.

Maybe it wasn’t so bad being needed, even if he hated the aching feeling in his chest he got when he saw you cry, hated how you still seemed like you were too much, too good for him. Part of him still hates you, what with your constantly flickering emotions and your snippy remarks that remind all too much of...himself.

But you needed him there. Who was he to refuse to oblige, even if it scared the shit out of him?

———

Rafael wins the case again. Maybe he should keep promising you guilty verdicts if every time he does it turns out that way. Or, more likely, promising you causes him to work ten times harder just so he doesn’t disappoint you. You did help him a lot this time, per Olivia’s gracious acceptance of your proposal to work more closely with Rafael on this case. She’d said it would be good for you, and it was. You’re not as elated as he hoped you’d be, but you’re probably sick to your stomach thinking about how those kids were going to live their lives now or if they’d get the support your own brother got. But it's certainly better than the alternative. At least that man won't see the light of day for a long while, if ever.

It’s just all very bittersweet.

The squad goes out for drinks, but they’re not rowdy like they can be. Instead, the atmosphere is sullen. This case hurt everyone differently, and everyone is wearing their pain to the bar in an attempt to drink it away. Everyone is especially generous to you - Nick and Sonny fight over covering your drinks and Olivia buys you dinner. Normally, he thinks, you would protest, but you need this right now, and you don't argue with them.

Eventually, though, being around them seems too much, and you head to sit at the bar by yourself. Amanda looks at Rafael pointedly after fifteen minutes of your absence passes. "Are you going to check on her, Barba?
"

"What?"

"You heard me. Can you, please?"

The atmosphere is too tense to banter, so he just nods and makes his way over to you. "How are you doing?"

"Amanda's still trying to play matchmaker?" you say, smiling, but it doesn't quite meet your eyes.

"Evidently. But, I really do want to know how you're feeling."

You shrug your shoulders, turning to face him better. "I've been better. I'm just glad it's over. I’m actually going home for a bit,” you tell him. “I have a couple of vacation days to use, so I won’t be around.”

“Okay,” he says. “I hope your brother is doing well.”

“Yeah. Me too. And you know... I’ll make it up to you. I’m sorry for the distance I put between us, you know, earlier this week? I didn’t mean to, but this case—“

“You don’t need to apologize, (y/n),” he says, giving you a tight-lipped smile.

“Oh. I mean, I did feel bad, leaving you hanging like that. I just know when I get stressed like that I’m not good company.”

“You’re always good company, cariño,” he says quietly, and you reach under the table to squeeze his hand. Rafael doesn’t quite know what you need, and this may be too much, it may draw the attention of the squad - but they aren’t paying attention. Or, fuck it, if they were. He intertwines his fingers wtih yours, squeezing back gingerly.

“Charmer,” you tease, smiling sweetly, sneaking a glance at your hands. “But... Rafi, we are dating, right?”

“Is that what you need from me?”

“I mean, I’d like that. It’s been a couple of months, and we don’t hate each other... why not? We don’t have to tell the squad yet, but I think I might mention to my parents I’m seeing someone when I go up there. Is that okay?”

“That’s...fine, (y/n),” he says cautiously, feeling slightly guilty he never broached the subject with his mother. And god, he wasn’t ready to. Wasn’t this all too much too soon? What was he going to tell you, though? No?

“You might not think so, and I know you try to hide it by being an asshole sometimes, but you are a good man, Rafael.”

“I’m just doing my job.”

“Yeah, you say that, but I saw you up there, saw you fight for these kids... there’s a way to be a lawyer and not care about the people you represent. But you do care. And it's admirable."

"I wouldn't be able to do my job as well if I didn't care, (y/n). I'm not a saint. Don't make me out that way. This is how I make a living. I want to succeed at it."

"Oh, honey, won't you let me just give you a compliment?" you say, and you loosen your grip on his hand to rub his shoulder gently. "Nothing good ever comes from trying to deny your humanity. And there are far easier career paths you could've chosen if that's what you wanted to do. But you're not like that."

"How would you know?" Rafael says, harsher than he meant to.

"Okay," you murmur, wincing a little. "Why are you so intent on proving me wrong? You know what? Either...stop talking or leave."

"I'm sorry," he says, and he genuinely is. The last thing he wanted to do this week was kick you when you were already down - and here he is, doing exactly that. You deserve so much better.

You smile humorlessly, shaking your head. "I thought I made myself clear. Be quiet, Rafael."

Rafael nods awkwardly and takes a long sip from his scotch. And you surprise him after a few moments, by leaning against his shoulder. "I thought you were mad--"

"Shh, Rafi. Can you please just hold me?"

"Okay," he murmurs, and he presses a chaste kiss to your temple before putting his arm around your shoulders. Under normal circumstances, he never would have agreed, but he did just snap at you and the rest of the squad was stewing in their own feelings, hopefully too busy to notice what was happening between the two of you. And even if it did draw attention - it was easily explained away as nothing more than a friend leaning on a friend. He knows eventually you'll need to tell the squad, but for now, this was already too much.

But it was what you needed. So even though Rafael is beyond unsure - he's willing to oblige for now and see where this leads.

NEXT CHAPTER

Want to be tagged in future chapters? Let me know!

[malepresentingleg]

is it 2013 again? cause i have a rant about teen wolf coming and i feel 16 y/o.

so due to dome heavy procrastination I've consumed a lot of teen wolf content, i skipped a bunch of episodes and a lot of scenes in the ones i haven't but i still have some Thoughts TM

it's good??? i had a Good Time watching, it was funny but intense and dark and i felt Feelings watching, some of the plotlines were meh (or maybe i just skipped them heh) but a lot were interesting and i loved the characters and their interaction

scott. my sweetheart. my baby. such a cutiepie, such a great protagonist 10/10 i love him and would die for him. he's so pure and cute and his little smile melts my heart. i love how he's fundamentally Human no matter how non human he is. he's a great character all around and i kinda wish they didn't do that shit to him at the end (imma get there) or treated him like he ISN'T the protagonist for such big parts of the shows

people KNOW. Stiles knows from day one, allison finds out soon, his mom finds out in season 2! the sheriff in 3, and they just become part of the gang and can help them with stuff bc they UNDERSTAND. shows like that get really tiring when the teens constantly lie to everyone around them and it was very refreshing. the running gag with the coach ruining things tho was funny and I'm ok with it.

Ok this is mellisa appreciation time. she's SUCH a great, complex and unusual mom-of-hero character. i absolutely love her and her attitude, i love how she's not simply being used as a tool to cause scott pain (just.. sometimes) and their relationship is parenting goals.

also isn't it fucking hilarious how she's a nurse but she just knows everything medical. she's also a surgeon and a mortician and a doctor. ik it's for plot reasons but it funny af.

in general women on the show.. had a lot of potential, i love them, but i hate how they were treated.

allison was all around great imo, her and scott's relationship was built very well and was two sided from the start (unlike... yeah), she has emotions, she's smart and brave, but also human and scared, she kicks ass and, again, exists outside of Scott's GF status (mostly). andddd they killed her. idk if the actress had to/wanted to leave or it was a pure writers decision bc they needed to keep just her father or something, but that would have been ok if not for all the other things

we have 3 main kickass ladies with powers- lydia, kira and malia. lydia spent close to FIVE whole seasons not knowing anything about her abilities/not knowing how to control them. cmon, it gets old. scott masters his powers after a season or two (and had control a lot sooner), parrish finds out what he is like half a season after it becomes relevant etc.

malia- do i need to explain? she was CONSTANTLY struggling controlling her abilities, no matter how badass she supposedly was. and kira oh boy, they did her dirty, didn't they?

kira was such a cute adorable character. i loved her and her little crush on scott and wanting to make friends and being freaked out about relationships, i love her discovering her past and heritage and learning to fight and gaining control and becoming a badass. but. what? they just undid all this? oh no the fox is taking over she has no control no agency of her own she needs to disappear for years now bye :( again, idk if the actress needed to leave but it was so unsatisfying and was insulting to the character. she wasn't even mentioned later a bunch like allison was, just they needed her mom for a plot tool and didn't even acknowledge it was her sword they were breaking. uhm rude?

LET WOMEN HAVE POWERS AND BE AWESOME WITH THEM. and not just minor/bad characters thanks.

i love the concept of a pack on the show and how you don't have to be a werewolf to be a part of it, how scott becomes a true alpha and how he cares about his friends. i kinda feel like in later seasons him being an alpha was more talk than show which like /: meh. like i said, he stopped BEING the main character, just talked about as if he was.

i love how friendship is valued, but i think it could be more.. i mean the scene in the motel, all season 3b, scott and lydia, all the girls with each other.. i love it. too many times tho it "wasn't enough" and only romantic love worked which SUCKS. in 6a i was so happy scott went in to try and remember stiles and the memories hit me right in the heart. then when it "wasn't enough" i was SO pissed and frustrated goddammit. i guess that leads me to the next point-

ships, should i talk about ships? i don't want hate in my asks but oh well it's been a few years maybe there's no fandom to care. I'll start with the end

malia and scott. what. the. fuck. when, out of fucking no where, they had like a lingering look or something i was just "nope. no thanks". and then every scene they had together i had to cover my eyes bc it felt so wrong and bad and awkward. jesus. no build up at ALL, they're like family, i just. ew. no. it felt way too much like "oh we gotta pair off the leftovers" or "the main character can't end up single" well guess what, he fucking can. it was. god. i can't even explain the disgust. when he needed to heal and all she had to do was kiss him ugh. it felt so fake and empty of meaning. i would 100% prefer for it to be stiles (I'll get there) or his mom who snapped him out of it.

melissa and chris, i could get aboard with that. def cute, def weird af since his dead daughter was dating her son but, well.

stiles and lydia is a ship i have conflicting feelings about. i absolutely hate the concept of "the nerd" is in love with the popular girl since freshman year and he's borderline being a creep ("oh but it's stiles! he's a dork and he's harmless" no.), completely obsessed with her and she ignores him but then they end up getting together.. i mean, it sends a bad msg to obsessed boys about how it's worth it in the end, and it makes the whole relationship feel unbalanced from the start, makes her reciprocation feel unatural. BUT, i have to admit the show did kinda make me warm up to this ship by the end, curse them. it was kinda cute. i wish there was more mutualness before it became such an important part in 6a tho.

just gonna put it out there: malia/kira and lydia/allison. i wish we saw more girl on girl interactions in general but the ones we had were very good, great dynamics.

i won't get too much into it but i.. i don't ship st*rek. i understand why they're the biggest ship (two white hot boys that interact with each other, i mean.), and i see the couple of fan service-y moments the show throws at us but just. they don't have my heart, i don't really care about them. not the characters, the characters i absolutely love! (tho this watch i skipped most of season 1 and 2 and 3a and i think that's where derek is the most asshole.. didn't he do really bad things? idr) idk if you want a bad character on the way to redemption with someone you should ship liam and theo who had way better shippy chemistry imo, even tho their ship probably wouldn't be healthy given their dynamic history, huh.

the ship that does owns my heart? scilies. I'm a softy when it comes to best friends to lovers, and their bond and relationship is just. so. pure. don't get me wrong, i love me a good platonic relationship, but there was just one to many homoerotic interactions between them for me not to ship it, hard. (not to be that person but my guess is that if Scott was white it would have been a way bigger ship, but who knows?) i love their love, i love they would do anything for each other, and i feel like there were a bunch of very missed opportunities for them in later seasons :(

so representation. this feels like a show that is trying to be Woke TM but it's not going so well. the main character is supposedly latino but it's never ever addressed. idc about "oh we want a world without prejudice" you can still fucking address it. i mean they went to Mexico a couple of times, stiles keeps saying "Mexican cousin" i mean. god. give us something. did i mention scott was told he'd make a great "nazi youth" ..

and you don't need to be a genius to see the most characters are very white or at least very white passing. and when you don't address their non whiteness they might as well be..

i already mentioned how poorly i feel kira was treated, but also mason, who is a wonderful character, gets no depth? we know nothing about him other than being gay and smart pretty much.

i also spoke about the women already but, they were really really great women characters, but not enough of them, not enough that lasted.

there's not much to talk about disability bc it just wasn't on the show. the only blind character was healed which. /: same with epilepsy and asthma..

i think the show is probably very proud (ha) with their LGBTQ+ rep bc they're like "oh let's make this insignificant couple gay bc hey nbg". examples are lydia's grandma, La Bete and marcel, i think nolan and jiang were exes and then nolan and gabe were a thing? idr if it was explicit. the couple of girls in the tent.. probably a couple more. it's nice, def better than all random couples being straight but that's not satisfying as rep.

Danny was great. i think he and ethan were.. cute? i think he was awesome, i loved danny so much and was very excited to learn he KNOWS at the end of season 3 and was waiting to see him join the pack. instead he fucking disappeared?! wtf. #WhereDidDannyGo

brett was cute rep, especially being bi but i feel like it could go into the insignificant pool which, again, is better than nothing.

mason and corey i just don't have strong feelings about. they were definitely cute and I'm glad they were together, i love mason A Lot. i think this relationship could be explored more, or at least the characters could be explored more to give this relationship more depth.

very interesting how there's no wlw canon couple, not even hinted. just fan servicey hot malia kira dance which /:

not to mention transgenderness. god can you imagine the interesting plotline of transitioning while being a werewolf 0:

i think the rep i was most happy about was ethan and Jackson. even tho i don't think there was build up or clues in the first couple of seasons, I'm happy for the actor who i know was struggling with coming out publicly, and it was very fun and refreshing for the ending. even if we got very few scenes with them the dynamic was 10/10

the biggest problem is obviously stiles. i just don't understand why, if they're so supposedly progressive, they went to that length to queerbait without following through. the whole gag of wanting to be attractive to danny and to gay guys, the whole "aww danny want to have sex with me that's so nice", the whole "do you like guys too?". it's a gag. his alleged bisexuality is the butt of a joke, and it pisses me the fuck off. they don't have to make it a big deal or have him get a bf for it to be official. it wasn't subtle subtext. it was a CHOICE. to put a spotlight on his sexuality but not deliver. -100/10 would not recommend.

also they could talk about his mental health more.

and about Scott's, please and thank you.

and everyone's.

i had some more feelings, like villains changing sides without getting a proper redemption and having no consequences, the wholesomeness of the sherriff and mellisa being each other's kids second parent eichen house (wtf??), and more, but i think i wrote enough for now.

tl;dr- good show with A Lot of problems, will always have a place in my heart bc I'm a nostalgic gal.

[ceescedasticity]

Still not sure if I’m going to write the “JGY’s Hoarding Problem” fic, but some thoughts if I do:

The Cast, Stage One

Jin Guangyao, schemer extraordinaire. He’s got a lot on his plate right now, scheming for the Jin Sect’s advancement, scheming for his personal advancement within the Jin Sect, trying to get Qin Cangye to let him marry his daughter, trying to juggle his sworn brothers, wrangling weird 13-year-old Mo Xuanyu who his father dropped on him as some sort of power play, wrangling Xue Yang insofar as it is possible to do so, promoting research into demonic cultivation, and on and on and on. Jin Guangyao, as no one will ever let him forget, was not born rich; he understands that you can’t just go throwing things out when you might want them again later; and in this universe he’s let that reluctance to discard outweigh his caution.

Wen Ning, conscious fierce corpse. Keeping Wen Ning was always the plan, even when plans to control him didn’t quite work out. Because he’s a really good conscious fierce corpse. Maybe they’ll work out controlling him someday. Maybe he’ll be good as an example. They went to a fair amount of trouble faking his destruction, so no sense wasting that. (Wen Ning, for his part, is... not happy. Even when they’re not trying to control him, he is not happy. But he is not making trouble if he can avoid it, because...)

Wen Qing, really outstanding doctor. Jin Guangyao cannot understand why his father was planning to execute her -- she’s such a good doctor! Groundbreaking! Sure, she has some inconvenient morals, but she’s simple enough to leverage, just grab some family members -- Wen Ruohan kept her in line for years. Why would Jin Guangshan not try to obtain such a valuable resource? It’s probably because when he looks at a woman he stops after the boobs. Anyway, now Jin Guangyao has the opportunity, and it’s easier to fake her death than Wen Ning’s (just have to kill a heavily bruised woman in Wen robes, rather than something that passes for a fierce corpse). She can be kept in line just by threatening Wen Ning’s non-life as the stick, and for a carrot, taking the nails out of his head when they’re not actively experimenting. (Wen Qing is sick to her stomach. Although not everything she’s been required to do is bad--)

(Off stage, but alive, is Jiang Yanli. Jin Guangyao likes her more than he likes most of the Jin Sect, he didn’t want her dead -- and whisking her away to a mystery doctor who saved her life means Jiang Wanyin owes him. Big. Of course then he got spooked about how she might interfere in his plans, and had to do some things to keep her defanged and out of the way. Nothing personal.)

Wei Wuxian, Yiling Laozu. Smuggled back to Jinlintai at least half dead, and really wanted to get all the way there. Didn’t really change his mind on that until after he got conscious enough to process that (a) Wen Qing and Wen Ning were alive(ish), and might be punished if Wen Qing couldn’t save him; (b) Jiang Yanli is alive. Even after he’s trying, though, he’s in for a long convalescence -- especially without a core. When Jin Guangyao has figured out and, worse, figured out the reason for. Xue Yang has wondered -- and Jin Guangyao hasn’t shut him down -- if Wei Wuxian might recover to a useful degree faster if they were to give him a core from somewhere else (after he’s strong enough to survive the procedure). Wen Qing has been claiming it won’t work with an unwilling donor. That’s not an unreasonable supposition given that it wouldn’t have worked under sedation, but she doesn’t know it. Wei Wuxian meanwhile is claiming he couldn’t possibly recreate the Stygian Tiger Seal outside the Burial Grounds and/or without all the pieces and/or while he’s still so weak. The last one is true, the others are... not completely false?

Mo Xuanyu, weird 13-year-old. Inexplicably if usefully devoted to Jin Guangyao. Jin Guangyao doesn’t trust him to do more than some very basic reading on demonic cultivation, but when the secret prison acquired the gravely wounded Wei Wuxian it became important to have someone other than Xue Yang checking on things, refreshing supplies, and getting Jin Guangyao immediately if necessary. Mo Xuanyu also likes Wei Wuxian, and Wen Qing, and Wen Ning, and (for some reason) Xue Yang. Not enough to impact his devotion to Jin Guangyao, though.

Xue Yang, spite elemental. (This Xue Yang has never worked for Wen Ruohan -- I may keep the Yin Iron in this universe mashup, it just had no particular connection to Xue Yang.) Half feral (at least). Demonic cultivation natural talent. Delighted to have the opportunity to independently recreate the Stygian Tiger Seal, not that it stops him badgering Wei Wuxian for tips. And, at some point during this stage, takes off to “test the Seal” on Yueyang Chang! Whether Jin Guangyao okayed this unclear. I don’t see it as implausible that he would (especially since he probably didn’t count on it being traced back), but it’s also plausible that Xue Yang just goes “better to ask forgiveness than permission”. No, that’s not it. “Better to say ‘yeah, I did it, what are you gonna do about it?’ than ask permission.”

Definitely featuring in Stage Two, if I get there: Nie Mingjue. Possibly featuring in Stage Two: Jin Rusong, depending on whether I go with the theory JGY had problems with Rusong because he had/might have disabilities which would attract attention, or did he have problems with Rusong because he wasn’t a person to him but the personification of disgusting incest. (If it’s the first one, he brings the baby and demands Wen Qing “fix him!” If it’s the second one... not sure there’s anything we can do with that.) Possibly featuring in Stage Two: Xiao Xingchen and/or Song Zichen. (If they’re really lucky Xue Yang will be too distracted with the additional people to hit Baixue Temple, and they can go about their business peacefully. If they’re middling lucky Baixue Temple will happen like before, but Jin Guangyao with a hoarding problem isn’t going to “eliminate” Xue Yang, so he never shows up in Yi City. If they’re unlucky Xue Yang will decide one or both of them would make a good experimental subject and/or golden core donor and Baixue Temple ends with an abduction.)

[taiblogcomics]

Around the World in 20 Pages

Hey there, bug fables. I think I'm probably out of the long-winded lead-ins by issue 3, so let's just jump into another New 52 Teen Titans review~

Here's the cover:

For a moment I thought Tim here had skates built into his shoes--not the right place for Heelys, but close enough--but it's actually just his logo. Because that's the best place to put your logo. In contrast, Bunker shows off his greatest power: his own Hulk Hands! Truly, he is the greatest hero on this team.

We pick up immediately where we left off last time, with Kid Flash encountering Solstice. This is probably a good place to introduce the character. Kiran Singh is a girl from India with light-based powers. She was actually introduced in the last ten or so issues of the previous Teen Titans series (the Geoff Johns era, though not created by him). As you might expect from a series that went on for 100 issues (especially in DC), it got a bit dour sometimes, and Kiran was a bright spot in those issues--literally and figuratively. So of course, instead of the bright golden look she had that also reflected her Indian heritage, the New 52 reinterprets her as a black void of smoke with glowing cracks all over her. Honestly, a fitting metaphor for everything the New 52 did~

Solstice begs Kid Flash to leave her behind, but Kid Flash won't give up on someone. This leads to a confusing two-page spread where he races all over the facility to retrieve a hose to tie Solstice up so he can carry her. It's not very well done, as you can tell by the fact that they had to number it and draw a line from each sequence, since it doesn't flow naturally. Comics are supposed to be sequential storytelling, right? Not scattershot storytelling. Anyways, they escape the facility, and discover that they're being held in the Antarctic. Solstice demonstrates another of her powers is being a jinx, as she comments that Kid Flash can't have that great traction running on ice while in sneakers. So it is of course at that moment that he slips, and the pair of them tumble into an enormous ravine.

But the survival of these characters isn't important! Instead we cut to "the badlands"--any old badlands, it doesn't matter--where a kid in a sweater vest and John Lennon sunglasses jumps aboard a passing train. Once inside the car, he discovers a huge mysterious cocoon and freaks out a little bit. He freaks out even more when a grizzled old crusty guy appears behind him and puts a grizzled old crusty hand on his shoulder. Even in superhero comics, we still have train hobos. Before we can pick up on that, though, we're gonna cut away again.

So here's a one-page scene showing us that the Teleport Trio actually survived and are alive in the hospital. Cassie enters and threatens him to give up who hired him. It then cuts away yet again to show Solstice learning to fly with her powers, saving herself and Kid Flash. And then we cut back to Bunker and his hobo buddy, because this comic has fucking ADHD. I can't wait until all these people are on the same team, so we can stop cutting away to see what they're doing. Bunker and the hobo shared an apple, and the hobo points out that no one with clothes as nice as Bunker's needs to be sneaking onto a train he could buy a ticket to ride.

Things suddenly get tense, and the hobo kicks Bunker across the face. Usually you have to prod them into bum fights, but here we are. Bunker demonstrates his powers of making psionic bricks. Basically, he's a Green Lantern who can only make bricks. It's actually a pretty neat power, if you're clever and played with Lego a lot. The hobo then suddenly pulls off his face--takes his face... off--revealing he's actually Tim Drake in disguise. This actually ends the fight instantly, since Bunker has actually been following Tim's career and wants to team up. He changes into his costume and volunteers his service. And in case you were wondering, Skitter's the thing in the cocoon, conveniently writing her out of the issue~

The train stops abruptly, and Tim and Bunker take a look outside. They immediately start talking about how all the people look possessed and zombified, but the art doesn't convey this at all. They may be slightly lurching towards our heroes, arms outstreched, but they look like healthy, smiling people. Tim points out that this can't be the work of NOWHERE, because NOWHERE exclusively focuses on those age 20 and under, and these people are multi-generational. They're never going to be a successful terrorist group if they don't broaden your demographic appeal. Tim flies off to find the source of the hypnosis, while Bunker keeps them out with his bricks.

Upon landing on a big radio tower, Tim notices some of the equipment is much newer than the tower itself, and must be the problem. It's at this point he's attacked by a big scrap-pile goon. Like, imagine Clayface, but instead of clay, he's made of rusted bits of metal and wire and other mechanical bits. He calls himself Detritus and brags about how he's an AI that suddenly became intelligent, now intending to wipe out humanity. He reaches for Tim, and then the next page shows Tim landing gently back on the train. He's mumbling about how he has to remember, repeating Detritus' name... and then smiles and gives a canned explanation to Bunker about how he found something on the radio tower and disabled it, and everything is good now.

Well, with Tim either under mind control or at the very least amnesia, the issue ends on two revelations. The first is that Skitter's cocoon has opened up and dumped Skitter back out--a completely human Skitter, with no idea where she is. The second is back in Antarctica, where the cold is finally taking its toll on Kid Flash and Solstice, and they're about to pass out. As he fades into unconsciousness, Kid Flash notices that he seems to have wandered from the snows onto... a cheerful, paved street...?

While I didn’t have super serious complaints about the first two issues, I do have them here. Namely, the comic’s inability to focus. It seriously keeps jumping from character to character, with no time to settle on any one plot point. Cassie appears for only one page, wherein it’s implied she tortures somebody who’s already in the hospital. Like, we didn’t have to cut away, we could’ve just had the Bunker plot and then the Kid Flash plot. It just feels really unfocused, which makes it difficult to read. Like I said, can’t wait for them to be a team so we can focus on them collectively~

Next issue, we’ll follow up on what is undoubtedly the introduction of Danny the Street. I’m... unsure about how to feel about that. Again, we’ll get into it next issue~

[fallout4holmes]

Journal 57

Valentine woke me before dawn. “Bad news, Holmes.”

I sat up and saw the Minuteman standing behind him. She saluted briefly, “Sorry to wake you, sir, but it’s urgent.”

I thought I recognized her, “Proceed… Nash, wasn’t it?”

“Yessir,” she smiled at my recollection before somberly stating, “there’s been trouble in Sanctuary.”

She had my undivided attention, “Explain.”

“A squad of Brotherhood camped out in Concord without us knowing. They sent a soldier into Sanctuary for recon, but he was discovered by one of those robots Sturges has been working on. Fight broke out, Minutemen joined the fray, no Brotherhood survivors. Colonel Garvey thinks they didn’t have a chance to send a distress signal. According to the orders present on one of them, they were to wait for Maxson’s signal to attack.”

“He has his people in position,” I sighed, irritated. “We’re out of time."

"The hell we are," Valentine huffed. "There's still a maniac out there setting psychotic robots loose on the Commonwealth, and the Minutemen aren't gonna just stand by and let the Brotherhood walk all over them. We finish the job we started, and take what comes."

"You're right," I jumped up and started getting ready to leave, an urgent energy I hadn't felt in too long surging through me. "Find Ada and wake Cait, we'll breakfast on the road. We haven't a moment to lose."

We hurried north, reaching Goodneighbor a few hours after sundown. Cait requested we stop for a moment so that she could speak with Hancock. I agreed; I also wanted to speak with Goodneighbor's mayor, especially considering the war's imminent arrival.

We found him in his office, as expected. Unexpectedly, he was in the middle of a heated discussion with a visitor.

"Bad enough Diamond City isn’t doing anything, why don't—“

“What am I supposed to do, Piper, huh? Brotherhood come for us, let ’em, we’re ready to defend our walls, but if I lead a crew against a skyscraper full of soldiers, how do you think that’s gonna end?”

“We could use Zhao’s missiles or—“

“I ain’t convinced that submarine’s really going to be able to strike all the way out here, assuming it’s even still there. Ain’t willing to risk my people’s blood on it, that’s for sure.”

Piper groaned, frustrated, “Fine, sit here if you want, but I have to do something, there has to be some way I can help. Blue’s in Jamaica Plain last I heard, maybe I can find him.” She turned and saw us coming up the stairs. To my surprise, her gaze went straight to one of my companions rather than me. “Cait!”

Hancock rushed to the doorway to see for himself. "Well," he grinned, "Welcome back."

Cait was suddenly withdrawn, another stunning development, "Hey."

“You ok?” Piper asked.

“Fine,” Cait shrugged, “Never better, actually. Uh. Thanks, for worryin’.” She huffed and regained her usual confidence, “We can talk an' all later, but Holmes has business with ya, Hancock.”

“Why do I get the feeling this business ain’t the fun kind,” Hancock said with a swagger, “despite what the outfit suggests?”

“Maxson will give the order to attack soon," I said, "possibly in a few days, possibly in a few minutes.”

“C’mon, you ain’t gonna be in character this time? I’m disappointed, Shroud.”

I ignored him. “Did I overhear mention of a submarine?”

“There’s a Chinese sub in the bay,” Piper explained. “It’s been stuck there since the War. The Captain turned ghoul, been living there ever since.”

“We helped get him seaworthy, and for payment we get a single shot of his missiles,” Hancock said.

“You sure you two ain’t been sharin’ a bad batch of somethin’?” Cait asked.

“You know Piper won’t touch chems,” Hancock scoffed.

"I have an idea for how those missiles would be extremely useful," I said.

"Ask me like the Shroud," Hancock broadly smiled, "and we'll see what we can do."

We continued our trip north, this time in the company of Piper. Hancock didn't want to leave his town on the eve of war, and I didn't attempt to convince him otherwise. Cait and Piper continued on toward the airport while Valentine, Ada, and I went to the RobCo Sales & Service Center, where Ada reported the Mechanist’s lair was hidden.

"A robot-building villain hiding out in a run down robot shop?" Valentine commented as we stepped inside and saw a showroom for RobCo-brand terminals, most of which were long destroyed.

"I doubt this was ever simply a shop," I said.

"You mean because the Mechanist had to get the robobrains from somewhere, and they sure weren't selling those to the public?" Valentine asked as he went behind the service desk.

"We should look in the garage and see if there's any indication of a hidden entrance."

"Laser tripwire behind the 'employees only' door seems a good place to start."

I hurried over, Ada following. After disabling the tripwire, we passed through the corridor to a basement area with a blastproof door, a strange device to the side of it.

“Allow me, sirs,” Ada approached the door and activated the M-SAT device Sturges had installed from Jezebel’s plans.

The door opened, and we entered the underground facility.

What we found was the remains of a nightmare. Criminals housed in cells were later operated upon to remove their brains, which were then wiped of memories and run through a series of tests before being mounted to any number of devices. Many brains were still preserved, thus providing the Mechanist with necessary material without needing new subjects. According to the terminals, not all of the memory wipes were successful. Minds that woke, panicked in the dark, were destroyed. One transcript showed a psychopath unconcerned with his new lack of body and firm conviction that every scientist in the facility would be killed was seen as a prime candidate for a tactical team. Even before the War, there were indications of the robobrains misinterpreting orders, the flexibility of the human mind rewiring itself to fit what it thinks is the more efficient option. This place was the perfect example of the military and their scientists being so focused on whether or not they could accomplish their goal, they never stopped to wonder if they should. Then at some point this Mechanist found the facility, and picked up where they left off.

I don’t want to dwell on what we saw down there. I noticed a decontamination corridor as we entered, leading to an elevator with an access terminal requiring voice authorization. Imagining we had no choice, we fought our way past a variety of robots guarding the facility until I was fortunate enough to find holotapes recorded by the supervisor of each department. I hoped that these would be enough to trigger the vocal recognition and unlock the elevator. I was correct.

The elevator took us to a control room with computer banks all along the walls, each terminal manned by a small robobrain that rapidly typed orders to run the facility. The room was filled with the noise of terminal keys clacking, and there in the middle stood a figure in the costume of a comic book character - The Mechanist.

“Well, hell, Shroud, you were right,” Valentine muttered.

“Impossible!” The Mechanist declared as we were spotted, “I control all points of access to this room!”

“You underestimated me,” I said. “The Silver Shroud is no common criminal.”

The Mechanist was confused, “The Silver Shroud?” Confusion turned to disdain, and furthered my suspicion of the Mechanist’s mental instability, “I cannot believe someone so respected, so honorable, would come here and destroy my robots. Your reign of terror ends here, Shroud!”

I had to think quickly, “The Shroud, as always, walks the path of justice. It is you who has fallen, Mechanist.”

“Lies, Shroud! Lies! The Commonwealth has suffered more than its fair share of injustices because of you.”

“The Silver Shroud is no villain. The only guilty here are you and your relentless automatons.”

“My bots would never violate their protocol!”

Valentine had had enough. “Those bots are killing innocent people!”

“My friends were simple traders,” Ada said. “All dead at the hands of your robots.”

The Mechanist was shaken, “No. The robots are programmed to protect. Their subroutines are clean: observe, evaluate, and react accordingly.”

“They're misinterpreting orders,” I tried to explain. “Your own robobrain said as much. They're saving people by killing them.”

“Saving by... killing? I don't believe you. They can't alter their programming. They're programmed to save people, not kill them. And the data! They were always reporting hostiles killed and lives... saved.” The Mechanist paused in a moment of horrible realization. “No, it's... the logic... it's there... I can see it now. I was hoping it was the robobrains, an issue with their memory wipes... but you're right. Their primary directive was flawed.”

“Memory wipes?” Valentine asked.

The Mechanist nodded, “Yes. The human brain has a way of… rewiring itself. If not properly maintained, it can… corrupt.”

"Corrupt?! That's the understatement of the year.”

I tried to keep the Mechanist focused on the truth, “A serious flaw, and a dangerous one at that.”

“It is,” the Mechanist agreed, “but the process is thorough. They're wiped after each mission. They're... I found it's best to not let them recall what they've been through.”

Ada spoke, “The introduction of a human brain creates too many unknown variables. You can’t claim to know them all.”

“There's probably a reason these robots weren't in mass production,” Valentine muttered.

We had gotten through, but the Mechanist was still in denial. “I… I need to think. I took every precaution…”

“You know we are telling you the truth,” I said. “Your robots are dangerous. They had to be stopped.”

The Mechanist shook his head in disgrace, “... the hero unknowingly became the villain. I wanted to help the Commonwealth… and robots are all I know. I found this place and figured I could do my part. I accept full responsibility. I can’t take back what I’ve done or even atone for it… but this doesn’t have to end in violence.”

I was relieved to hear it. I gave the Shroud one final moment; “Though your action initially appeared felonious, your intent was not. Seek redemption, Mechanist. You have much to atone for.”

With a sigh of relief, the Mechanist declared, “Done. Consider it done. And you won't regret this, I promise. None of the Commonwealth will.”

“I’m glad to hear it,” I said, and removed the hat. “Permit me to introduce myself properly. I am Sherlock Holmes, of Valentine’s Detective Agency, and General of the Minutemen. This is my partner Nick Valentine, and our friend Ada.”

The Mechanist, with great trepidation, carefully removed the mask to reveal a young woman. “I’m Isabel. Isabel Cruz.”

“Can I ask why the Mechanist get-up?” Valentine gently asked.

She shifted uncomfortably. “I’m… not good with people. The Mechanist gave me a way to put myself out there without really being out there at all. I grew up on a settlement, I’ve seen how good people struggle against raiders and super mutants. I never wanted to be counted among them. But all my technical knowledge, all of these resources, and I still failed. I only ever wanted to make the Commonwealth a safer place.” She held out a holotape, “Here. Take this. It's the password to the mainframe. Use the password to shut down the security. After that, the base is yours.”

“On the contrary, Ms. Cruz, I think you should stay,” I said.

“What?”

“You want to help the Commonwealth? Work for me as a resource for the Minutemen, and you will have a chance to do just that.”

She was stunned. “The Minutemen? You… you want me to build robots for your army?”

“Units to support troops will be extremely helpful, but primarily I thought you could put your efforts to good use creating defenders for settlements.”

“There are still many rogue robots roaming the Commonwealth,” Ada pointed out. “The Minutemen will need all the help they can get, especially once this war is over.”

Ms. Cruz nervously nodded. “I’ll… I’ll try my best. Maybe I can fix some of the damage I’ve done.”

The facility's security was disabled, and Ms. Cruz gave us a proper tour of her assembly line and her capabilities. She is a nervous young woman, now guilt-ridden, but with determination and drive. I promised she would hear from my Chief Engineer soon.

Ada asked to speak with me. "While not wholly unexpected, that outcome was not the one I believed to have the highest probability."

No, it certainly wasn't. "Are you disappointed I let her live?"

She sounded concerned, "I do have conflicting outlooks, but I trust your judgment. The guilt of her actions is a punishment in itself."

"You don't quite believe that," I observed.

"I do trust your judgement, but yes, I also have doubts concerning Isabel's… potential. She could use a companion she didn't build herself."

"Are you volunteering?"

"Yes, sir. The mission was a success; the Commonwealth doesn't have to fear the Mechanist any longer. I would like to stay and make sure it never does again. She will also need help working for the Minutemen, and I will assist however I can."

"I think that's an excellent idea, Ada. For now, I wonder if we might be able to convince the newly reformed Mechanist to provide a few scrapbots for our use?"

[dailyaudiobible]

03/28/2020 DAB Transcript

Deuteronomy 9:1-10:22, Luke 8:4-21, Psalms 69:19-36, Proverbs 12:2-3

Today is the 28th day of March, welcome to the Daily Audio Bible I’m Brian and it is a joy and an honor to be here with you today as we take this…well…final step of the week. And I'm glad, I'm grateful that we can take this next step together. So, we’ve been working our way through the book of Deuteronomy which is we’ll continue to do. And we’ve been reading from the New Living Translation this week. Today Deuteronomy chapters 9 and 10.

Prayer:

Father, we thank You for another week and we thank for…we thank You every time we come to the end of another week because we’re thankful and our hearts are grateful. And even though there's plenty of things to challenge us, You’ve given us the gift of life and You've given us the ability to reveal Your kingdom in this world and participate. And, so, we are grateful, and we heed the word of the proverb today - wickedness never brings stability but the godly have deep roots. And yet, even as Jesus, as we approach this story of the soil again, we pray that by the leading of Your Holy Spirit we will be good soil for deep roots. So, come Holy Spirit, show us the path of wisdom, show us the narrow path that leads to life, we ask in the name of Jesus. Amen.

Announcements:

dailyaudiobible.com is the website, its home base, its where you find out what's going on around here. There's usually something going on around here.

Check out the Community section. That's where the Prayer Wall is and that is always underway, like that is always happening as well as the different links to different social media channels like DAB Women. If you're a woman and you're not connected this is a great time to get connected there, but the different social media channels that we are participating on. So, check that out.

And…well…since the middle of the week we've been doing something really special, releasing kind of in serial form like once a day, day by day we’re releasing a chapter a day of this book called Sneezing Jesus. Once this kind of outbreak started happening, once the world started paying attention, once it started freaking out, all the stuff that's going on, I began thinking about this book because…because it's poignant, the times that we’re in because it just shows in its conclusion how the gospel spread like a virus. And, so, we’re working real hard to not spread things but we have an alternative view that we really have an opportunity to spread light and life and the good news. And, so, Sneezing Jesus was…was my attempt to draw with words…what I say in the prologue of the book is, the Word became flesh and this is how I try to make the flesh become word, like how I try to portray this Jesus that I've fallen in love with out of the Gospels and bring the good news. And, so, that's what we’ve trying to do to offer light and good news, and encouragement free. And I called my…my book publisher, NAV Press who published this book a few years ago, asked them if we can do this and they were like really on board with it. And, so, I am so so grateful to be able to offer this to you and you can have this encouragement in your hands in your ears each day as…as we go through one chapter a day. And, so, today's chapter is called “Go Away” and it's an exploration of Jesus among the Gadarene people. And Jesus, ultimately the story that we immerse ourselves into in this chapter is Jesus throwing a legion of demons into a herd of swine and just the implications of that. And, so, that is today's chapter and it just shows up with your Daily Audio Bible every day. And, so, indeed partake, enjoy, be encouraged in this time. There’s no shortage of bad news out there. This is the good news.

If you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible, you can do that at dailyaudiobible.com. There is a link on the homepage. I am profoundly grateful, deeply deeply grateful for your partnership all of these years. If you are using the Daily Audio Bible app you can press the Give button in the upper right-hand corner or, if you prefer, the mailing address is PO Box 1996. Spring Hill Tennessee 37174.

And, as always, if you have a prayer request or encouragement, you can hit the Hotline button in the app, or you can dial 877-942-4253.

And that's it for today. I’m Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer and Praise:

Hello, my sisters and brothers in the Lord Jesus Christ this is Candace from Oregon. I would like to pray for a couple of missionaries beginning with Margo from Australia. So, please join me in this prayer. Lord thank You that Margo and her husband are in good health and not afraid of their own confrontation with the coronavirus personally, but they have some real concerns about what will happen to the whole infrastructure around them. Lord, I pray that You’d be very near to the children in their malnutrition clinic. I pray that You’d put a hedge of protection around all the people that they came so far to love on and to bring Your love. And I pray that Your love would serve as an incredible force of goodness surrounding the entire experience for every person involved. And I lift up my dear, dear Tina Barstool who is in Uganda. She had only recently gone to the mission field there, a sustainability project. Please Lord, their concern is that normal food deliveries will continue so that there won’t be any stealing and I just ask You God to cover, cover, cover, cover everyone concerning this and honor this desire that she came so far, her and others, to bring Your goodness, Your love, Your redemption. May it be only increased by what’s going on.

Hi fellow DABbers this is Rosanna from __ I’m calling to encourage all of the parents out there during this time of quarantine in our homes. I have three children and I’m single parent and they are all young children. And what I want to encourage you is that God has given us this time to powerfully influence our children for the gospel. We are gonna shoot our children out as arrows into the world and I encourage you to see this as an opportunity to poor scripture and godly influence into them. And, of course, I need prayers for patience and guidance and wisdom as I try to teach my children at home and guide them and discipline them and love them. So, I encourage everyone around the world to take this opportunity and see it as an opportunity to pour into your children. I hope you are doing well, and I pray for you and I am so grateful for this, for this ministry. Bye.

Family, I’m in desperate need of prayer for my two teenage daughters. I’ve got a 13-year-old who is deeply suicidal right now and indignantly telling me that I have no right to insist that she stay alive when she’s in this much pain. And her 16-year-old older sister has also really been struggling with depression and wild panic attacks and just really dark thinking and I don’t know exactly what’s coming against our family but it feels like warfare and I just need lots of warriors to pray for us. Thank you.

Hi, my name is Lexi and I just want to pray for my grandma especially. And that would be like a star on my prayer list and I wanna pray for my family.

Hey Daily Audio Bible friends it’s been a long time. I just recently…I just want to thank God for everything because I just recently got back into the faith. So, I am just praying asking maybe if you guys would pray with me on this journey, not necessarily for me because we’re all together and we’re altogether in this. And I just hope that wherever you are right now, you can do it and if he did it you can do it too. So, thank you so much for listening to this and you have a wonderful day.

This is Protected by His Wings calling from Virginia. I’m just calling to pray for some folks today. Dear heavenly Father I bring these people before you today, specifically Prodigal and Christina with a bumpy dog, Lee from Chicago, Pink Paint, Angel in California, SG a woman who’s struggling with mental health issues, Alex a man who helped a DABber with her car on the side of the road, a flat tire and a disabled veteran’s wife. Dear heavenly Father I bring these people before You today, You know their concerns, breakthroughs, healing, needing breakthroughs, things falling apart in their lives, they’re asking for prayer Lord whether its fighting cancer, fighting divorces, bankruptcies, depression. Lord You know their issues Lord I bring these people before You Lord and I pray for them often and ask that You reach each and every one of these people individually in a way that they know, that today they know and feel Your loving arms wrapped around them, that they know that You are there with them walking beside them if not carrying them during the this time through the…through the valley of the shadow of death. And though they know they fear no evil Lord they know that You are with them. I pray Your hand of blessing, graciousness and peace that goes beyond all understanding upon each and every one of these people today. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen. Brian thank you for this wonderful podcast and China, thank you as well. I’m a double DABber. Love you all. Bye.

[catgirlxox]

Ben 10 vs Kevin 11: Levels of Heroism

The Ultimate Kevin arc debate continues...

An argument I was presented with was that Ben’s characterization in the Ultimate Kevin arc was “out of character” in comparison to what he “usually” is like. He is apparently expected to do the right thing by doing what law enforcement wouldn't do, in most cases. 

Furthermore, the argument claimed that he should have been portrayed the way he was in “Basic Training” - meaning that he is expected to bend the rules in the interest of doing the right thing. This implies Ben should have been like this in every situation where there is an intense conflict, such as the one in the Ultimate Kevin arc.

However, I would argue that being in a controlled environment such as the Plumber Academy establishment is different from being out in the field where the circumstances are unpredictable. In “Basic Training”, Ben was portrayed the way he was because he felt like he didn't need to be there. There was no immediate threat only he was expected to handle in “Basic Training”, and he was only bending the rules in the beginning because he felt he was already good at his job and there wasn't much they could teach him. On top of that, he isn’t too fond of school anyway. 

Ben has wanted to become a Plumber like his Grandpa Max since he was 10, and this is how they treat him once he finally gets there to officially accomplish that dream job... 

At the Plumber Academy, he wasn't treated like a superhero (by most of the individuals there) and all the things he has already accomplished didn't matter. Nothing about why he saves the world or how he does it so effectively matters here. He is only a cadet, nothing more to praise. 

 He got talked down to and yelled at. 

He had little to no freedom to do things his own way and, I would assume, felt restricted. 

He couldn't even joke around while in class because Magister Hulka was so serious about the job of law enforcement. 

He was so restricted that he wasn't even allowed to use the Ultimatrix to help his squad mate. 

He was also yelled at for saving Hulka and Tak because he used the Ultimatrix. 

Tack: “You saved us! You are the greatest Plumber of all!”

Hulka: “He’s a larval dipteroid! He disobeyed orders!”

Ben: “I was supposed to let the grenade get you?!”

Hulka: “You were supposed to do what I tell you!”

I realize there is a point to not being allowed to resort to using superpowers while enrolled in these classes, but the main reason why Ben can save the world so effectively is because of the way he uses his powers. Going without them disables him so some extent, and he doesn’t typically like that. 

Hulka wants Ben to listen to authority and do what law enforcement should do and act in the way they teach him to. He is “supposed to” do what he is told if he wants to be a Plumber.

I’d just like to add that, at this point in his hero career, Ben is not one to be extremely irresponsible because of his motive to continue to do hero work. It is comparable to the reason the Plumbers do - he is following Max’s footsteps, in a sense. So, if the situation gets out of control and becomes serious, he also does. But in these circumstances, he is already very constricted. He doesn’t typically seem to like to have to change “the way he works” and the social atmosphere of the Plumber Academy seems like a bit of a let down when he’s worked so hard to get there. 

Just like the rest of his team, Ben is used to recognizing danger and jumps into action accordingly. So, it is no wonder he would disobey Hulka and get involved even when law enforcement tells him not to. 

In addition to Hulka telling Ben how to act, Kevin is also very serious about following Magister Hulka’s orders because he, too, really wants to become a Plumber. 

Gwen: “Someone tampered with that grenade. Hulka knows who it was.”

Ben: “He doesn't want our help. Let's take the night off, explore a little. We've been stuck in these barracks all week.”

Kevin: “Whole place is on lock down. Breaking curfew is against orders.”

Ben: “It's like I don't even know you any more.”  

Kevin: “Being a plumber isn't something you mess around with. If you screw this up, you and I are gonna get into it.”

All this only tells Ben that, in real circumstances, he should act the way they want him to. He should act like law enforcement, according to practically everyone, including Kevin. So, if law enforcement (such as Max) believes an offender that is out of control might have to be put down, it may seem weird to some people, but almost everyone expects him to get that serious. Max would have done it, Hulka would have done it, and even Kevin would have done it apparently. 

And I can prove that Kevin is capable of killing because he previously went on a mission to kill the guy who, he was made to believe, killed his father. 

In “Vendetta”, Kevin didn’t seem to have remorse for this guy (Ragnarok) either. And it makes sense why, but if this is his view on killing, it still supports my point about Kevin’s perspective while being a member of law enforcement, in addition to being a “hero.” 

This was Kevin’s motive:

“I’m saving the Earth and avenging my Dad.”

Even though practically everything in the episode “Vendetta” pointed to it, in reality (because of Servantis altering everyone’s memories, which was revealed later in Omniverse), it isn’t even certain that Ragnarok was the one who was to blame for Kevin’s father being dead.

Killing is never a pleasant thought. It wasn't for Ben and it wasn't for Kevin respectively. And when you end up believing that it is something that might have to be done, I would assume it would make you quite numb. This is especially true for characters like Ben and Kevin, who have both gone through a certain amount of childhood trauma and seem to have taught themselves to hide or cope with their pain privately as to not come off as weak.  

Ben: “He was a hero, Gwen. Right to the very end.” 

Both Ben and Gwen agreed that Kevin was a hero for taking this guy’s life. This is not entirely wrong. If Ragnarok was not stopped, he would take out the sun and obviously that would affect everyone on Earth. But Kevin still did this out of revenge, and he was not an “official” Plumber yet either. There was no investigation done surrounding Ragnarok to prove his guilt, and the only actual Plumber (although retired) who knew what was going on was Max. The only reason Kevin would not be convicted of murder is the fact that he did not directly administer the final blow that would kill Ragnarok. He only refused to save him after destroying the ship, so it could be considered an “accident.”

Kevin was very cold in the end, even towards Gwen. This is not surprising, considering the circumstances. But he was still able to walk out of a scene where someone was killed relatively indifferent. 

Between the entirety of Alien Force and the first season of Ultimate Alien, the amount of time that has passed in-universe was approximately a year, give or take. In that amount of time, Kevin has proved to be capable of doing good for the right reasons most of the time. But even so, he was still considered “evil” for longer than that, and he is capable of things like this. I am not trying to say Kevin is still evil, because he has definitely changed, but it is not entirely out of the question for Ben/law enforcement to be weary or cautious of Kevin going back to his old ways. 

And if it means protecting the innocent, specifically his own cousin, I would believe that Ben would prioritize that over Kevin if he became the threat. 

During the Ultimate Kevin arc, the circumstances where dangerously unpredictable. The only thing Ben was sure of was the fact that Ultimate Kevin could do a whole lot of damage if he wasn't stopped in some way. Keep in mind that Ben is a sixteen year old who is expected to act like an adult member of law enforcement, without the proper training required since this happened before “Basic Training.” Being “immature” and improvising is what almost everyone in “Basic Training” seemed to condemn. So, here, Ben was doing what he thought should have to be done, whether he liked it or not. 

This leads me to the double standards of being a character that can be described as a “hero.” And in the context of these two characters, word “hero” seems to be subjective. 

According to almost everyone in the series, Ben is the hero because of what he does and why he does it. And because he is the hero, there’s a lot of restriction on what he can and can’t do. Ben seems to be expected to be, not only a hero, but a “saint.” Doing anything “wrong” is highly looked down upon. 

Kevin is also considered a hero by this point in the series, but it is because he has evolved from his evil ways and improved himself. Although this is something that can be considered admirable, he is also excused when he does something wrong because he used to be a villain so it is considered “in character” for him, and some may even say “humorous” or “endearing.” 

Kevin can somehow simultaneously be a jerk and hero, while Ben can not. 

And, apparently, according to the fandom, Ben and Kevin are not equal.

In terms of heroism, both Ben and Kevin seem to agree on the moral and ethical aspect of the job. They can relate to some extent because they have both been in possession of a large amount of power and had the chance to use it how they saw fit. The only difference is that excessive amounts of power drive Kevin literally insane while Ben stays in a relatively sane state of mind. And perhaps, because they have both been in that position, they can understand the threat it poses when someone has both evil intent and a large amount of power. Whether they are mentally ill or not, the combination of evil intent and excessive amounts of power at hand can and will do damage. 

That is why Kevin seems to agree that, if law enforcement has the authority and power to do so, killing a powerful offender is a necessary evil in some cases.

Kevin: “If I were you, I wouldn’t have been such a wuss. If you ever lost it like I did, I would have taken you down right away.”

Ben’s entire team was ready to fight him as well when they perceived him as that threat.

So if law enforcement’s job is to eradicate evil to the best of their ability, what makes Ben’s intent in “The Ultimate Enemy” wrong? Is there anything wrong with the idea of a world where no one has to suffer?

Wouldn't it it be heroic to end suffering, pain, war...all things that are “evil”?

Wouldn’t more people die in a world where these evils still exist? 

This is true, but if Ben is going to be a part of the Plumbers, he can not be the judge of whether people get to have free will. 

“Plumbers are law enforcement, not judges.” - Magister Hulka, “Basic Training”

His job is to be there when others need him and fight any evil that exists. He can not always “bend the rules” or “improvise” when handling a situation. Especially when it is a very intense, real conflict, rather than a situation in which there is a controlled environment full of other Plumbers and Magisters. 

The only thing I hear being argued to justify these double standards is the idea that Kevin is supposed to be a ”foil” to Ben. Meaning, one contrasts the other which then highlights certain qualities in the either character. And while I can understand that this is indeed true to some extent, does that give one of them more freedom and leniency than the other in terms of their actions? 

If Kevin’s actions in “Vendetta” can be justified and excused, and then he can also go on to state (while in a sane state of mind) that he wouldn't hesitate to do it again, why is Ben so attacked for only considering to do the same thing?

So if a “hero” has such strict limitations as to how far he is allowed to go to avenge innocent lives, should it matter what that hero’s past was like when they are both trying to achieve the same end goal? Or does that make one more heroic than the other?

Besides, both Ben and Kevin are only considered “heroes” in their own respect because they actively try to earn the same title. 

Just like in the Plumber Academy, every cadet is treated the same way. 

In which case, they should be seen as equal if they are both “heroes.” 

[ficdirectory]

Somewhere Inside (Disuphere series #4) Chapter 8

(To listen, click here - 13:03) 

It’s hard, because, no matter how much Jesus hates telling half-truths?  He finds himself doing it anyway.  He can’t exactly tell Pearl his honest thoughts about Levi.  Not when she’s struggling the way she is, and not when Francesca could have stuck her head out of the swing at any time and decided she wanted to make hot chocolate right then.

Which did happen, for the record.

So, it’s not like Jesus could’ve just said:  “Hey, I’m hella jealous right now.”  “I’m jealous that this kid could show up out of nowhere and you weren’t suspicious of him like you were of me.  You don’t just tolerate him like you tolerated me.”

It’s apparently a thing, too, because Dominique had been super skittish around Jesus, and she is not at all around Levi which is seriously bugging Jesus.  Yeah, Levi’s slighter than Jesus, a bit shorter.  But it just...kinda sucks watching his friends embrace this kid so easily when it had taken them forever to warm up to Jesus.

It makes him wonder what feelings everybody else might be holding back from each other.

For dinner, they heat up a frozen lasagna and they all eat together.  It’s good, and no one has to cook it.  It reminds Jesus he still has to pay Pearl back.

“Mmm,” he says, reaching into his pocket for his wallet, and taking several $20s out.  He offers them to Pearl.

--

Dominique’s fine one minute and the next, without warning, there’s money changing hands at a table in front of her.  Her pulse picks up in her throat, but her face stays calm.  Practiced.  

She wonders what she can do, as she loses seconds of valuable time contemplating.

“Mmm, you actually wanna give that to Levi,” Pearl insists.  “He did the grocery shopping.”

Dominique’s heart drops as she sees Jesus offer the money to Levi.  She holds her breath.

“Oh.  No.  I was happy to do it.  Keep your money,” Levi says, calm.

Jesus isn’t taking no for an answer.  Dominique is used to this.  Expects this.

(Things seem okay but she keeps watching Jesus, in case he’s covering how pissed he really is.  But Levi doesn’t even look her way.)

This is seriously confusing.  She needs someone to explain what’s happening right now, but she can’t speak.  So instead, she waits.  It’s agony counting the seconds to see what will happen next, but it’s literally all she can do.

--

Mariana’s spent most of the day just trying to recover all the sleep she lost coming here.  She somehow still feels exhausted, but at least she can function.  The chaos of dinner means that she’s coping by honing in on just one thing at a time.  And right now?  It’s how hard Dominique’s grabbing Mariana’s hand under the table.

Glancing at her, Mariana can see she looks perfectly at ease.  But she can also see the pulse in Dominique’s neck.  It’s beating fast.  That and the way Dominique is gripping Mariana’s hand mean that something is wrong here.  

With her free hand, Mariana opens a new memo on her phone and types a row of question marks.  No cell service here.  That had definitely not been one of the perks.  But Mariana’s nothing if not creative, and since her accident, Mariana’s ingenuity has only gotten better.

Mariana tips her phone so Dominique can see it, and she glances at it.  Types back dollar signs on her own memo screen and shows Mari, all low-key so no one notices.

Mariana doesn’t know a ton about what happened to Dominique before they became friends.  Knows she had something similar happen that happened to Jesus.  But Mariana also knows it wasn’t too similar either.  She’s never heard of a money trigger.  Still, Mariana does her best to do what they all try to do for each other when triggered.

As escape isn’t an option - Dominique seems frozen - and Mariana doesn’t trust her own balance and stamina to try and get her anywhere.  (Plus, consent.  Dominique doesn’t seem like she can speak, much less clearly approve of contact.)  So, Mariana’s gonna have to do her best to get the boys to put the money away ASAP, while not drawing attention to Dominique.

She’s keeping cool.  Nobody would guess she was having this much trouble.  You have to really know her, to be able to see the flash of desperation in her eyes.  It’s so subtle that it’s easy to miss, especially with how good she is at pretending.

Mariana takes a breath - wills the words she needs to actually be here when she needs them.  “Money’s kinda dirty, you know?” she offers, wrinkling her nose.

Jesus and Levi turn to her.

“Seriously, think of how many people touched it.”

“She’s right,” Pearl nods.  “Levi, put it away.”  After he does, Pearl actually offers him hand sanitizer.  And Levi actually uses it.

“Okay?” Mariana asks, keeping her voice low.

Ever so slightly, Dominique nods her head yes.

Mariana’s not sure if she should take Dominique’s word for it or keep checking.  It doesn’t escape her that Dominique still has a death grip on Mariana’s hand.  It’s the one with nerve damage, so she’s got major pins and needles happening.  She uses her own right hand to peel Dominique’s own free of Mariana’s left.  Then holds Dominique’s hand in her right.

“Sorry,” she apologizes.

“You’re fine,” Dominique reassures.

Mariana’s not exactly sure what to make of this trip so far.  She’s hardly been able to stay awake for any of it.  But it seems like it’s not going as well as they dreamed it might.  There’s tension in basically every dynamic here (and yet it’s still so much better than home with Moms.)

Before Dominique can get up and start cleaning after dinner, Mariana uses the fact that they’re still hanging onto each other to take her aside.

They step outside.  To the front porch.

Dominique pulls her hand away abruptly.  Mariana doesn’t miss how Dominique’s breathing is shaky.  How her hands are trembling like Pearl’s do sometimes.

Mariana doesn’t say anything.  It’s not for any deep reason.  It’s that there literally are no words anywhere for Mariana to even say right now.  Not to mention the fact that sometimes?  Trying to tell somebody it’s okay or take it easy might backfire, especially if all they need is for somebody to be there.

So, Mariana is.

After a while, Dominique meets Mariana’s eyes and nods.  They go back in together.

--

Levi’s about to make a quick escape when Jesus speaks up after everything’s cleaned up:  

“Can everybody stick around?”

“Ooh!  Is it for Family Game?” Francesca asks.

Levi watches, fascinated, as Dudley moves closer to Jesus, like he’s shielding him.  Cleo’s too small to really do the same thing for Pearl, but she tries sometimes.  It’s awesome seeing another service dog do it.  Levi’s so intrigued by what Dudley’s doing that he doesn’t have time to wonder why a mention of a family game is stressful for Jesus.

“No, I thought we could all catch up.  Like, for real.  Check in with each other?  Kinda like we do in Avoidance.”

Levi’s happy he gets this reference, but his happiness fades as Francesca casts doubtful looks at him and Pearl.

“But they don’t have disabilities, or trauma or anything,” she stage-whispers, indignant.  “I thought Avoidance was just for us.”

“We don’t know that,” Jesus answers, matter of fact, not outing Pearl’s stuff, which Levi has a strong hunch Jesus does know.  “Let’s stop with the ‘us’ and ‘them’, though, okay, buddy?  It’s ‘we’ here.”

“Fine,” Francesca sighs.

Levi’s relieved, but only a little.  He keeps noticing how Dominique’s all the way on the other side of the room from him.  How she won’t look at him.  Levi wonders what he did wrong now?

Even though it seems like Francesca and Dominique are having second thoughts about being friends, Pearl looks like she thinks checking in is a great idea.  Plus Levi’s got work the rest of the week, except this weekend.  So he should really hang out with these guys while he can.

--

Pearl has never heard of this avoidance thing, but she is very good at avoiding things, so it sounds like something she will excel at.  She takes a seat beside Levi and listens as Jesus mentions that there are some ground rules.

“Can I say them?” Francesca asks, waving her hand around in the air like it’s school.

“Sure.”

“No teasing each other, and go one at a time,” she pauses for a breath.  “And slow down.  That one’s hard.”

“You’re doing a good job,” Mariana nods.

“Thanks,” Francesca ducks her head.

“So, what is this exactly?” Pearl asks.  “Are we avoiding things?  People?  Topics?”

“Ignorant assholes,” Levi supplies, sending a knowing glance Dominique’s way.

Francesca claps a hand over her own mouth.  “Unnecessary,” she breathes.  “We avoid mean people,” she says, trying to stifle a smile.

“Right.  My bad.” Levi apologizes.

“But what is this?  What’s the purpose?” Pearl wonders, petting Cleo as she sits, curled in her lap.

“Think of it as...emotional laundry sorting…” Dominique offers, quiet.  “It’s vulnerable.  Personal.  But done with friends?  There’s eventually less laundry, and it’s manageable.”

“Huh…” Pearl muses, intrigued.  “I’ve never heard it put like that.”  (She’s starting to see why everyone else seems so taken with Dominique.  Her Hermione costume is an obvious additional point in her favor.)

“So, who has laundry?” Francesca asks.

“I do, I guess?” Jesus offers.  “I’ve been kinda feeling jealous.  Because some people are easier to be around than me.”

Pearl raises her eyebrows.  Definitely not her, then.

“Jesus, even if we like other people, we still like you, too,” Francesca offers so sweetly it makes tears come to Pearl’s eyes.  It reminds her of the first time she saw them together.  Him scooping her up so she didn’t slip on the ice as a tiny four-year-old.

“For sure,” Mariana agrees.  “Everybody’s different, but that’s what makes us...good?”

“Yeah, but it’s not good if you’re just left feeling like the one that freaks people out…”

“Are you talking about when we trigger each other accidentally?” Dominique asks.

Pearl’s forgotten about how gloriously clearly Jesus in particular communicates.  Seems like it’s brushed off on his friends and family, too.  Or maybe, Dominique’s always been just this way.  Maybe it’s what caused them to be friends in the first place.

Jesus shrugs.

“Hey.  Don’t do that,” Mariana reprimands lightly.  “It matters.  How you feel matters.  What you think.  Okay?  Is Dominique right?”

“Yes…” Jesus admits.

“Okay, so we all trigger each other.  Without meaning to.” Dominique stresses.

Pearl puts her hand up slightly, waving her fingers a little.  “I can relate, though.”  She offers.  “Sometimes people’s niceness...their goodness...it feels personal.  Like it magnifies your own faults.”

“You can just say it,” Levi mutters softly.  “It’s me.”

“Okay.  It is, yes.” Pearl nods.

“Hold on.  Let’s give Levi a turn to sort some feelings,” Dominique interjects calmly.  

Pearl breathes and tries not to be offended that she was cut off in what she was saying.

“Levi?  You got any?” Dominique wonders.  

“No,” he says.  “I don’t.”

--

Francesca raises her hand.  

Dominique nods at her.

“So...I don’t understand.  Pearl doesn’t like Levi because he’s nice?” she asks.

“It’s complicated,” Pearl allows.

“But I’m asking,” Francesca points out.  “Is that what you mean?  Like being around him makes you feel extra mean or something?”

“Sort of…” Pearl admits.

“But Levi can’t help it if he’s nice.  Maybe he’s just born that way.  And maybe he’s not doing it on purpose to make you feel extra mean.  Maybe blaming that on him makes him feel bad,” Francesca says.

She knows all about being blamed for things she can’t help.  Because CP gives her a lot of those things.  And Dominique says they aren’t her fault.  That her CP is a valid reason.  Just like Levi being born nice is a valid reason, too, probably.

“Thanks, Francesca,” Levi nods.

“P.S. Everybody has feelings,” she says, remembering Levi said he didn’t have any.  “So, do you have like...sock feelings or what?”

Levi laughs.  “What’s a sock feeling?”

Francesca shrugs.  “Like a stinky feeling?”

“Kinda, yeah.  I have sock feelings….” Levi nods.

Francesca feels good.  Like maybe she helped a little, even though she’s only eleven.  “It’s okay to have sock feelings, right?” she checks with everybody at the table.  “And it’s okay to feel extra mean or jealous as long as we don’t hurt other people.”

“That’s a good point,” Dominique nods.

“How do we not?  Hurt people?” Pearl wonders.  “Because some of us,” (Francesca wonders if she is the only one noticing that Pearl is pointing to herself when she says some of us…) “haven’t done feelings laundry in a long time.  And so the feelings are kind of out of control right now…”

“I think...we maybe help you put them where they go.  You trust us.  And we help you.” Mariana offers.

“Like it’s that easy…” Pearl scoffs, wiping her eyes.

“And also apologize for hurting.  Like, I’m sorry for saying you guys couldn’t be in Avoidance with us.  And for being mean to Levi earlier.” Francesca says.

“Fair.  Levi, I’m sorry I made you feel bad.  For...contributing to your sock feelings.” Pearl says, like she really means it.

Levi just nods his head yes.  He doesn’t really look Pearl in the eye.

[sophygurl]

Okay I am done with the panel write-up posts and I apologize to all my followers who don’t give a fuck about that kinda thing but WisCon is a big part of my life so I get to totally indulge in it once a year so there. [For anyone wondering this amazing con I keep going on about is a feminist Sci-fi/fantasy con right in my home town and I’ve been going for close to ten years now and it’s like HOME to me]

Gonna post some about the panels I was on, my general con experience this year, and some other stuff under this next read more thingum here. It’ll be more of a personal post than the others. Anything else I write now will be more about fandom-ey stuff that I got up in my feels about and need to hash out. 

BTW though. Hi new followers!! If you’re coming to me due to WisCon specifically or due to my write-up of THAT panel, feel free to introduce yourselves. I use tumblr the most frequently with twitter and FB being a sort of tie for second and DW much more rarely just as an FYI. I’m sophygurl everywhere but FB which is my real name. I’m easily findable and love talking to people! 

So my panels this year were all very different in tone and experience, but all went pretty well? I had fun anyway? I had 4 panels about TV in some way or another and one about Star Wars. Some hinged on serious-ish topics, but I wasn’t on any Serious Business panels this year. 

I wrote up a crap-ton of panel ideas and a lot of them got through. So many that panels I wrote up and wanted to go to were often up against one another and I had to make lots of choices. But it feels really good to me to be involved in that way - in writing up panels, and in being on them, and in going to them and taking notes and writing them up after. There is a lot that I CAN’T do for the con due to my disability stuff. But this is stuff I both can do and enjoy doing so it works out well. I also volunteered to a few people to write up panel descriptions from ideas they have but don’t have fleshed out, so that’s an exciting new thing for me to try out.  So but yea, all five of the panels I was on were panels I also wrote up. 

My first panel was about Women Loving Women on TV. It was me, another panelist, and the moderator. I was a little worried about this panel because the moderator said she was put on the panel by mistake and doesn’t even have a TV (she did fine as a mod - not all mods have to also partake in the talking, they can just ask questions of the panelists), and the other panelist never contacted either of us or showed up for the panel.

Fortunately, I am a well-prepared panelist and felt comfortable talking about this subject for the whole 75 minutes. But then the panel was scheduled against a panel on a similar topic and so anyway - three people showed up for the panel. Fortunately they were kinda fun and engaged people so it became more of a conversational panel than a formal presentation kind and I think it went well? This was my only panel this weekend that I wasn’t the moderator of. 

My next panel was about intersectionality on TV. I was also a lil worried about this one because it was just me and one other panelist, although we had some good chats online before the con so I wasn’t too worried. Fortunately, she convinced a friend to come sit on the panel with us so there was three of us - and both of my panelists had lots of awesome things to contribute. We also had a decent size panel for an evening time slot and got the audience involved too. I pulled one of my goofball tricks and made the audience do a lightning round question of a show they think does intersectionality well and everyone was able to come up with something, which was fun.

Right after that was my panel about SFF sitcoms which was a blast. This was even later in the evening, so we were all really punchy! It was me, a good friend, and another panelist I knew casually before. We wanted lots of audience participation and we got it - getting so many more recommendations than any of the 3 of us had even considered. And since it was a panel about comedies, we really just kinda relaxed and had fun with it.

That was all Friday. Big Day for me.

Saturday night, again a late night slot, I had my Bisexual Representation in TV and Film panel. This one I was not too worried about because I was asked to hand-staff it, since I had strongly suggested the panel be filled with Bi+ folks. So most of the panel was people I already knew and had paneled with before but also I snagged a couple of people I hadn’t previously talked to but who were also awesome.

The panel was in a large room and was fairly full, which I thought was really neat. I had a lot of my own notes on the subject, and did go off on a huge bit about the amazingness of Sara Ramirez and her two bisexual characters, but I also knew from previous convos that my fellow panelists had a lot of interesting things to say and they did not disappoint. It seemed like the audience had a lot of fun and the # for the program was pretty lively, so that’s always a good feeling.

Sunday afternoon was the panel I was MOST excited about. It was all about the themes of The Last Jedi. Like how cool is that? A whole panel not just about the movie in general, but specifically about the THEMES of the movie?! I was pumped that this panel even got through, much less that I got to be on it, much less that I got to moderate it.

And let me tell you something. My panelists? Were amazeballs. Like, the email convos we had ahead of time were already so smart and so nuanced and so full of different ideas and perspectives I was like !!!

And the panel went SO WELL. Like, there was such an equal exchange of like flow and information going back and forth. I feel like I really organized my own thoughts and questions for my panelists well and we all spent the whole panel making grabby hands for the mic because we were all so excited to respond to one another’s thoughts. 

It was FUN and THINKY and I could tell the audience was really engaged and we all laughed and discussed and disagreed and laughed more and it was probably the best time I have ever had on a panel. The #TLJThemes on twitter is just chock-full of both quotes from my awesome panelists and thinky-thoughts from the very smart audience who I sadly did NOT end up having time to get questions or comments from because literally the moment we finally had a pause of any kind? It was right on the dot time for the panel to end LOL. 

So yea, wow, that was just exhilarating? IDK, I am such a nerd.

But yea, so I had everything from 3 audience members to packed rooms and no fellow panelists to crowded tables of excited panelists struggling to get a word in and everything in between and I feel sort of confident that I did well with all of it? So that’s neat. 

Last year I didn’t moderate any of my panels and I found I really missed it, which is why I volunteered to do more moderating this year and it was a Good Life Choice and I plan to do more of it in the future. I adore WisCon for being the kind of place that a basic nobody like myself who has done nothing with her life besides watch a crapton of television can sit on panels and moderate panels and contribute to panels and do things like this that I enjoy and feel like am good at and it’s just such a good. *cuddles the general idea of WisCon*

And beyond the panels - both that I attended and sat on - I had a really wonderful con this year. I was very social and decided to get over my awkwardness and just kinda Utilize my awkwardness because, like, we’re all geeks here so just stop worrying and be a dork and have fun and it worked? I talked to so many people, introduced myself to so many people, made so many connections, hung out more specifically with some of my favorite people, and just sort of made sure to hang out in public spaces and smile a lot and that helped? Who knew. 

There were really only just the three bumps in my otherwise good experience.

1. The panel. If you didn’t already see about this, I attended a panel that very unfortunately derailed into Nazi apologism and it was super gross and upsetting but lots of people spoke up against the panelist in question and the con acted quickly to ban her and are continuing to discuss if she can ever come back so at least that part is good but UGH UGH UGH that was so gross.

2. My laptop broke on me. Fortunately, I have amazing friends and the one I was rooming with doesn’t use hers a ton so she let me use it a lot so I didn’t have to be off-twitter much because a lot of the con happens in the twitter tags and I would have been very sad to miss out on that. I got home and my other amazing friend and roomie helped me get my laptop into the shop quickly and it’s back now which is a huge relief because as a mostly homebound and frankly mostly sofabound extrovert? I need my laptop. I NEED my Laptop. 

3. Life with chronic illness sadly does not stop when you are at an event you love. Even when you save up all your spoons, and spend weeks building up your stamina after a winter of mostly hibernating, and use all of your meds, and allow yourself more caffeine and different foods than usual, and work really hard on self-care. Still, you are chronically ill. 

I am able to push myself a LOT at WisCon because of how it fuels me socially and intellectually and creatively and in so many other ways. But that still only goes so far. And especially with having two late nights on panels - I did not make it to any parties or other late night social events this year. Nor did I make any early morning panels - and there were some I really Really wanted to go to. 

But that’s life and I still got to cram SO MUCH in and spent lots of time in the hot tub soaking and also having poolcon with some amazing folks and had lobbycon and actually made time to have meal/snack times with people instead of just the usual “we should totally make sure to ...”

There were a lot of people I only saw briefly or missed entirely that I’d have loved to have had more time with, but I guess when we finally invent the time turners I can have all that plus go to ALL the panels. 

Oh! And I did go to an amazing reading this year. I often skip readings but I knew a bunch of the people at this one and adore them so I went and it made me feel and think a lot of things and adore these people even more, so there’s that. 

And PHEW I think that’s it. I have tons of thoughts about like, found family and female friendships and stuff mostly about my own amazing platonic poly tribe - some of whom come along to WisCon with me and we get to like BE together in shared living space and then go off and have our own adventures and bond with other people and then introduce one another to those people and it just enhances the whole thing and YAY MY PEOPLE. And uh, yea, one of said peoples who sadly no longer lives in the area just came back over to my place from our other friend’s house and is only going to be here for another day and a half so I’m gonna go run off and spend time with her while I can. 

[kahayaya]

1/26/2021

Last Semester started and I finished my first Senior Team project class. I really hope to work on a project that I can work on. There’s sponsors on there that have really interesting ideas. One of the start up is an app for people with disabilities and they can call 911. I saw the app and was interested. When I see the skills on there, I feel incompetent. A lot of new technologies I’ve heard of but never really used on my own. I really want to work on that project but the inner me tells me I can’t do those things. Tells me that I won’t get picked for that project. I also worry about my team. It’s a group project and we’re suppose to work together. I don’t like group projects but I know in the real world it requires group work and to be a team member. I would like to think that being on a competitive roster has helped me be a better teammate. Communicating and seeing issues that need to be addressed. The only difference is that in the rooster, teammates are just not as motivated to do things cuz of school work, which is fair enough and at the end of the day the rooster is something to just have competitive fun. I wonder who my teammates will be and hopefully they can share a like mind of learning and gaining experience from the project. 

The move-out is nearing for me and again we are being delayed. Mainly due to the fact that the bank does not want to give the loan for the house in Vegas. Mainly due to my parents (which i assume), previous credit scores. So rn they are putting my Aunt’s name with the loan and temporary my aunt has the to be in the loan. If that goes through, then we will get the loan, which in turn will secure the house in vegas. From what I know, the house in Hawaii is good to go and to be sold and the house in Vegas is good to go too. I’m just getting mixed messages of when I’m leaving Hawaii. I was told we were gonna leave by the end of January and my parents told me now we are leaving the end of February. And today they said maybe within 10 days? I really want to know when I leave so I can better prepare myself. Which reminded me of my personality. I just want to be organized and know ahead of time of when I can leave. I don’t like spontaneous things happening unless I know something will happen. And with this housing situation, it gives me some anxiety of when I will leave. I really want to move and soon honestly. Knowing that school is starting up I feel like I can’t enjoy Vegas without having a workload on my shoulders. I don’t know what my routine will be in Vegas. I just want to get started so I know what I can do up there. The anticipation is killing me. I sometimes stay up at night thinking how the day I leave Hawaii and thinking how my family will get to the airport, how to go to our house, what the first week will be like. I have many racing thoughts at night just thinking about those things. But as of right now I have schooling and I’ve been focusing on that.

Speaking of school, always the first week I have anxiety. I worry about what my classes are like and the people in them. One of my classes is Intro to Unity, which is introduction to the unity engine for games. Eren, Neo, and their housemate are in the class. I worry because I don’t really want to see them again. I hate having to be like everything is okay when for myself its not. I don’t really want to have associations with them and just want to learn in the class. Dennis is also in the class and knowing him, he’ll talk with me and Eren and I don’t really want associations with that. The class is exciting but with them I just get really anxious. I think at the end of things, I know I will be mature and just be classmates but it really does bother me having them in my class. Especially since Neo and Eren were once my friends and now they’re having a blast without me. At least in my mind. 

Reminds me of when we had classes together with Andy. It was Ethics in Friendships and the irony in that was just cherry on top. That was a horrific time for me. It was the time me and Eren decided to just be separate and not be friends I guess. The worries in my mind going to that class. I didn’t really know anyone other than them so I guess I stuck with them. It was always this awkward rift between me and her. Everything just felt like a fake interaction between me and her. The only thing that made the class worth was the professor and Andy, who didn’t really take sides. I’m grateful for Andy for being the neutral one and being nice to both sides. That was also the time I fractured my ankles and that ankle brings back memories. Specifically to the realization of people who meant things to me. I realize some friends were not friends just there. Made me question those who associated with me and changed my framework of friends. And at that time made me realize that Neo and Eren were not my friends at all. They were just there until they had no obligation to be near me. I sometimes wonder if we never dated and became friends, how things might have been different but at the same time I just know in the end of things I would be in a friend group of people just being there. Nothing about deep relationships like the ones a share with Alex. And to me that is way more important than just having friends to have fun. I also have my high school friends who I can just do the same. 

At the end of the day, I just want to move to Vegas, explore it. I want to meet up with my high school friend who is living there and take him around. I know he’s a mega-weeb and he doesn’t really like to socialize. But I share fond memories of him since we were in elementary school. I wanna hang out with him, get some food together and I guess in a way show off what I learned in college. I’m excited to what Vegas has in show and I just went on a ramble of random thoughts but I sign off here, maybe when the day I can figure out when I move lol. 

Cheers

[garbageivereleasedintothevoid]

12-08-20

I need to actually tell you something. I'm probably gonna switch the blog name after this just because I don't know if I want you to have access to it after you leave. Nothing personal but like you're my therapist so... it makes me a bit uncomfortable to think about someone no longer involved in my care reading about my life. Plus, it will literally serve no purpose for you to have access to it still. This was a time saver for you. Idek if this new person will even be okay with using this.

I am fairly certain you became attached to me over the course of this. And for the past... few months I've been trying to... get away from letting that be. Because I do not feel like it is helpful to me and in the end, that is the entire reason you and I even met. And at times, I even felt it was harmful. In the beginning, I felt it helpful but I was a different person then. I needed different things than I do now. And seeing as you're not a friend, you're a therapist, I do not feel bad letting you know that. I don't want that to hurt. But if it does, I feel like maybe that's something you should consider about yourself. I don't wish pain upon you. But I don't think I ever would have become your friend. And there's really nothing wrong with that tbh. There is no conceivable reality where everyone is friends with everyone. Human nature and emotions and blah blah blah. You know all that stuff. But I would caution you on becoming attached. I'm a very... observant person. And I can pick up on things without even really trying to. I may not always interpret them correctly, as I may be missing information vital to understanding the situation, but I pick up on things. And I'm sure I'm far from the only one you've encountered like that.

My interpretation is that what you really want is to be everyone's friend and all that. And like, I totally get that. But... I think something to consider is that not everyone needs or wants that. I am fine with friendly banter. But at times, I do feel that you spoke a bit too freely with me and I acknowledge that I even encouraged it. I was wrong to do so. But with my experience, I think it is understandable that I made such a mistake. I think with you being so new (and yes, I do consider you very new) as a therapist, these are understandable mistakes for you to make. I do hope that you will continue to work on them as time goes on. And especially the picking up on what is needed thing. I do not know if that was a me specific thing but I felt you frequently misinterpreted or even blatantly ignored my reactions, sometimes to the point if interrupting me.

I say these things not to tear you down, but to provide feedback. I am aware that you've had other trans clients since me. But I hope you will continue to serve trans clients and treat my community with the dignity and respect we deserve as unique and wonderful individuals.

I do want to acknowledge that I have... my opinion on therapy has changed a great deal since we first met. I think it has it's uses if you are strong enough and lucky enough to stand firm without being labelled a drain on resources and noncompliant. But I do believe that therapy in the US is not based around what is actually best for any individual human being but rather what keeps people from jumping off a bridge, thus depleting the world of workers that billionaires can exploit. I think therapy is a tool to keep people from fighting when they should fight and from opting out when doing so is completely understandable. Suicide is a natural phenomenon, seen even in some animal species. I think therapy often teaches us to ignore our base needs in favor of fitting the mold and being deemed "fit to work." I think therapy is not a service but rather a "Fine. We see you're stressed out. So here's something you can pay fuckhuge amounts of money to obtain to be slightly less stressed due to how you are treated by the world."

I think for people like me, who aren't going to go back to work because of how extensive their problems are, it has it's benefits. But for working mom of five with a shitty, lazy boyfriend who doesn't keep a job or help with kids and eats all the food she bought and on top of that, has to worry about herself and her kids being shot by cops for being a race that cop doesn't like and worrying about her oldest that's gay or trans or both and her disabled child and everything else, that's not helpful at all. I think therapy wouldn't help someone like that at all. What that person needs is a better society. And therapy can't fix that, as much as society would love to pretend it can.

Therapy is largely used as a bandaid, and that bandaid is getting ripped off soon whether either of us likes it or not. As a society, we cannot continue the way that we are. Something absolutely will change. It always has changed. People get sick of shit and they rise up. It has happened countless times over the course of human history. It will happen to the US eventually.

Therapy cannot heal a broken society. And unfortunately the only thing that can is a revolt. Purging the harmful things from our society like cops, politicians, billionaires, etc. Will happen. Whether I am alive to see it or not. And once a new system is established, that one will corrupt over time as well. And the process will begin anew. Over. And over. And over again. Until the end of our species. It is essentially a cycle of birth, life, and death. And that will ultimately end as our species dies out. And new species will rise and fall again, and again. Until the end of our planet. And who knows what other larger scales this may be applied to.

Wow. This got existential really quick without me meaning to. Whoops.

[biofunmy]

YouTube’s Newest Far-Right, Foul-Mouthed, Red-Pilling Star Is A 14-Year-Old Girl

What does a 14-year-old girl dressed in a chador have to say on YouTube to amass more than 800,000 followers?

How about this: “I’ve become a devout follower of the Prophet Muhammad. Suffice to say, I’ve been having a fuck ton of fun. Of course, I get raped by my 40-year-old husband every so often and I have to worship a black cube to indirectly please an ancient Canaanite god — but at least I get to go to San Fran and stone the shit out of some gays, and the cops can’t do anything about it because California is a crypto-caliphate.”

Or how about, simply, “Kill yourself, faggot.”

Yes, if you want a vision of the future YouTube is midwifing, imagine a cherubic white girl mocking Islamic dress while lecturing her hundreds of thousands of followers about Muslim “rape gangs,” social justice “homos,” and the evils wrought by George Soros — under the thin guise of edgy internet comedy, forever.

Actually, don’t imagine it. Watch it. It’s already here.

The video is called “Be Not Afraid,” and it may be the clearest manifestation yet of the culture the executives of Alphabet’s video monster are delivering to millions of kids around the world, now via children incubated in that selfsame culture. To understand just how bad things have gotten on the platform, you need to see it for yourself.

Users — and more importantly to YouTube, advertisers — have over the past year started to hold the platform accountable for enabling the exploitation of children and exposing them to disturbing content. But this video reveals an entirely different way the platform is harming kids: by letting them express extreme views in front of the entire world. This is what indoctrination looks like when it’s reflected back by the indoctrinated.

A 20-minute, unbroken, and hyperarticulate tirade ostensibly about ignoring criticism online, “Be Not Afraid” stars a high school freshman from the Bay Area who goes by the name Soph on YouTube. (She edits as well as scores the videos, which she says are comedic.) Through videos like these, she’s become a rising star — with more than 800,000 followers — in the universe of conspiracy theorists, racists, and demagogues that owes its big bang to YouTube.

The video platform for years has incentivized such content through algorithms favoring sensational videos, and, as recent reporting has revealed, has deliberately ignored toxic content as a growth strategy.

Soph’s scripts, which she says she writes with a collaborator, are familiar: a mix of hatred toward Muslims, anti-black racism, Byzantine fearmongering about pedophilia, tissue-thin incel evolutionary psychology, and reflexive misanthropy that could have been copied and pasted from a thousand different 4chan posts. Of course, it’s all presented in the terminally ironic style popularized by boundary-pushing comedy groups like the influential Million Dollar Extreme and adopted of late by white supremacist mass shooters in Christchurch and San Diego.

(Soph is even more explicitly hateful on Discord, the gaming chat app, where she recently admitted to writing under the username “lutenant faggot” that she hoped for “A Hitler for Muslims” to “gas them all.”)

By now, we’re used to this stuff coming from grown men — some of whom have even used the platform as a launching pad for political aspirations. But Soph is a child. Despite the vitriol of her words and her confidence in delivering them, she’s still just a 14-year-old kid. And hearing this language lisped through braces, with the odd word mispronounced as if read but never before said, is clarifying.

Think of Jonathan Krohn, the conservative child prodigy who addressed the Conservative Political Action Conference in 2009, at age 13. Today he’s a freelance journalist who writes about extremism for liberal magazines, and has disowned his past views. Or think of Lynx and Lamb Gaede, who became media sensations as 11-year-old white nationalist twin pop singers in the mid-aughts. Today they’ve renounced racism and taken up marijuana legalization activism. Part of being a young person, maybe especially for a rhetorically gifted one, is testing out ideas and identities — even ones we later find anathema. That’s not to excuse anything Soph says; but it is to say children often don’t understand the weight of the words they use. (Neither Soph nor her father responded to requests for comment.)

Interviews with Soph and asides in her videos reveal a young person whose identity is obviously still being formed. She didn’t start as a politics caster but, predictably, as a profane 9-year-old (9!) game streamer called LtCorbis. Influential YouTubers Pyrocynical and Keemstar promoted her early work, which ripped on YouTube culture and the indignities of being a fifth-grader instead of people of color and liberals. (A 2016 Daily Dot story about her bore the unintentionally profound headline “This sweary, savvy, 11-year-old gamer girl is the future of YouTube.”) In more recent videos, Soph discloses a health issue that kept her out of class for long stretches. She confesses to being unhappy in school. She talks about a move from New York to California. She identifies by turns as “right-wing” and “anarcho-capitalist.” She’s 14, precocious, isolated, and pissed off, a combination that has produced a lot of bad behavior over the years, but not all of it monetized through preroll ads and a Patreon, and not all of it streamed to millions.

YouTube’s kid problem is well-known. From disturbing auto-generated cartoons to parents who playact violence with their children for clicks to a network of users exploiting videos of children for sexual content, the company has consistently failed at protecting the young users who are its most valuable assets. But Soph’s popularity raises another, perhaps more difficult question, about whether YouTube has an obligation to protect such users from themselves — and one another.

Of course, that’s partially the job of parents, a fact Soph pointed out in a recent video while addressing people alarmed by her content.

“I’m wondering why they’re concerned with what I say instead of being concerned with the parents who let their kids watch me,” she said.

It’s unclear how much Soph’s own parents know about her videos. Internet sleuths have figured out details about her parents’ lives, one of whom Soph has claimed voted for Hillary Clinton. In a recent interview, Soph said that her parents have never had a serious conversation with her about the politics of her videos, though she did respond angrily when a reporter attempted to contact her dad.

But the powers of parents over children who live online are limited. And YouTube has taken no ownership over what is happening to kids who grow up inhaling its trademark stench of bigotry, conspiracy, and nihilism. Now the kids, or the smart ones anyway, seem to know it. Indeed, YouTube’s own incompetence and lack of quality is one of Soph’s recurring themes; she acknowledges owing her fame to them.

“The fact that I was 11 and could easily follow the commentary formula should have been a sign that the standards for the genre were terribly low,” she said in the same interview.

Last month, after YouTube deactivated comments on her videos — the platform disabled comments on all videos with children in response to an outcry over the aforementioned network of exploitation — Soph uploaded a 12-minute video in which she seemed to be daring the platform to suspend her, knowing full well that it wouldn’t.

“Susan, I’ve known your address since last summer,” Soph said, directly addressing YouTube CEO Susan Wojcicki. “I’ve got a Luger and a mitochondrial disease. I don’t care if I live. Why should I care if you live or your children? I just called an Uber. You’ve got about seven minutes to draft up a will. … I’m coming for you, and it ain’t gonna be pretty.”

A far-right child comedian threatening to murder the executive of the video site that has made her famous, for trying to protect her from pedophiles: the state of YouTube in 2019. (YouTube did not offer a comment for this story.)

Indeed, one of Soph’s messages seems to be that in a world where the adults who have grown rich through technology took the implications of that technology seriously, she wouldn’t exist. She’s a problem, she seems to be saying, of YouTube’s own making.

“You could beg me kicking and screaming to stop disseminating the ideas I believe in, and it wouldn’t make a fucking difference,” Soph says at the end of “Be Not Afraid,” in a passage in which she seems to drop her shtick, if only for a moment. “Not only am I inoculated to that bullshit, most of Gen Z is too. Millennials grew up with MTV and nowadays watch Colbert. We, on the other hand, grew up with the internet, so we have no centralized source of information that controls what we think. We filter out the truth for ourselves; we’re not lazy. No one is brainwashing kids. Kids are simply learning from having free access to information, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

The ultimate target of “Be Not Afraid” is, finally, adults: people who just don’t get why social justice discourse is meaningless and co-optable, why school can’t compare to YouTube, why mass murder can be funny. People who have enough experience to know better. She’s sure that adults are selfish and stupid, that the people with the most power over her life are making it up as they go along, just like she is. When you look at the adults who have gotten rich off the platform that created Soph, she isn’t completely wrong. She’s been publishing on YouTube for years with no consequence other than becoming famous.

Sahred From Source link Technology

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