#especially since i became disabled and i’m wondering how that’s gonna work

[gregmarriage]

SUCH a ‘do everything you can in certain areas of your life, so you can at least feel like you have something resembling control over it’ girlie x

[thescarletwitchsapprentice]

A Pure Soul: Nearly Taken (Yandere!Wanda Maximoff x ADD!autistic!reader)

*Not my GIF.

Summary: The day (y/n) comes back to the compound after being told all those nasty things takes a toll on their mental health and self-esteem. Unfortunately it gets to a point that Wanda hoped it would NEVER reach.

Request?: Still none.

Word Count: 3,456

Warnings: Ableism, eugenics mention, r-word slur, attempted suicide, attempted overdose, hurt and comfort.

Notes: This is a sort of “in-between scene” from “A Pure Soul.” The rate of suicide is 3 times higher in autistic people because of the world’s lack of understanding and willingness to accommodate us. Plus being told the world would be better off without you, along with people looking for ways to make sure we’re not born....that’s gonna take a toll. So it makes sense for these feelings to emerge.

=============================================

You know that the world isn’t very kind to the disabled.

You know that the world wishes people like you wouldn’t exist.

But that doesn’t make what happened hurt any less.

You were out shopping when you ran into your best friend from high school. Except....this friend wasn’t the same as you knew them. No, instead they showed you their true colors.

“Oh hey, (y/n),” they said.

Tone has never been your specialty.

“Hey!” you exclaimed happily as you were looking through the books at your local bookstore. “It’s been so long since I’ve seen you! How are you?”

“Better. How’s the treatment coming along?”

This confused you.

“Treatment?”

They nodded.

“For that disease you call autism.”

This struck a chord, and it struck HARD. How could they say something like that?!

“D-disease?!”

They smirked.

“I mean, it just makes us humans lives harder to be around your kind.”

What?!

“What the hell’s gotten into you?!” you exclaimed. “I thought you were my best friend!”

“Oh?”

They pretended to wrack their brain.

“Oh! Yeah, I was such a great actor in that part. I should get an Oscar. Here’s the tea; I lost a bet and had to be your best friend for those four hellish years. I can’t believe they wanted me to suffer that much.”

Your heart began to crack. It was all....an act?

“You took my high school years away from me, made me miserable. I could’ve won prom royalty, but no one voted for me because I associated myself with your species. I’m glad you’re out of my life now. You’re nothing but a burden and the world would be so much better off without you. Why not do us that favor?”

Your heart shattered. You were so plagued with shock that you didn’t notice them push you to the ground and spit on you before walking away with a satisfied chuckle. For the next few minutes, you couldn’t say or do anything. You were just frozen to the spot, their words bouncing around your head.

Finally you were able to feel both the physical and emotional pain. Pursing your lips, you got up, kept your head down, and quickly left the bookstore, trying not to let the tears fall.

===============================================

In the elevator, heading up to your floor, you can barely form a new thought. All you can think of is that hurtful interaction. 

Burden, your kind, your species, disease....

It all hurt. 

And the worst part is that you can’t help but think that they’re right.

But your thoughts are jolted by the elevator bell. As usual you find the Avengers hanging out in the lounge. Nat and Clint are chatting with Wanda. Tony and Peter are working on homework. You can barely see what the others are doing. 

Almost instantly, Wanda’s eye falls on you. She has a smile on her face, but it falls when she sees you, as she instantly knows that something is wrong. 

“(Y/N)!” she whispers worried.

She rushes over and gives you a gentle hug, but you practically squeeze the life out of her. The other Avengers also come to your aid. 

“What happened?” Wanda asks you.

You gulp as she and Nat lead you to the couch.

“I....” you begin as you sit down. “I was out shopping....and I ran into my best friend from high school....”

You tell them the entire interaction. Shocked looks are nearly all around by the end.

“That’s seriously messed up,” Nat says in a mix of disgust and anger.

The others nod in agreement, except for Wanda. Instead she begins to tear up. 

“My sweet angel,” she weeps softly as she hugs you closer and pets your head. “Oh, my sweet, sweet angel. None of what they said is true, not one bit of it. You’re an absolute joy to have around and you’re one of the kindest souls I’ve ever met. You bring so much to the Avengers and to our lives. Autism is not a disease. It’s a part of who you are, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.”

“Wanda’s right,” Peter nods. “You’re wonderful, (y/n). You’re one of the best friends I could ever ask for.”

“And you bring a lot of new perspectives,” Nat adds. “You came into our lives when we needed you the most, especially Wanda.”

They all take turns giving you words of comfort and encouragement as well as letting you cry. Wanda stays the closest to you, to no one’s surprise, hugging you tightly. Her embrace is exactly what you need right now; so warm and loving. 

Tony, though not the most emotional person, does feel sympathetic and even angered at the person who said that to you; even though you’re on the opposite side of the Accords, he decides to get your favorite food for dinner. It’s not the greatest gesture of sympathy, but it’s definitely something. After that, you take a nice, warm shower and get into some fresh, soft pajamas. Wanda’s waiting for you in your bedroom, and surprises you with some soft socks that match your pajamas.

“I removed the fabric tags too,” she tells you.

Your heart melts a bit more for her. How someone as kind, attentive, and loving as her could ever be considered a terrible person is beyond you. You let her put them on your feet and they feel amazing. You wriggle your toes in them, smiling. 

“You like them?” she asks you.

“I love them,” you giggle before turning to Wanda. “And I love you.”

She smiles and gives you a kiss on the forehead.

“I love you too, my angel.”

The two of you spend the rest of the night together, cuddling up close with one another, watching sitcoms, singing quietly. You doze off in her arms.....

But that doesn’t mean it’s over.....

==============================================

You’re not someone who easily forgets how things make you feel, and what that person said still makes you feel like shit. Now whenever you go out, you’re worried that you’re going to run into them. You keep your guard up and walk as quickly as you can. Every outing feels like a fight for survival, but you try to stay strong so that you don’t bother the others. You try to keep a smile on your face. You need to be strong.....

.....But even the strong reach their limits.

It’s a little after you found out they became catatonic. You’re at a coffee shop, nearly empty, when someone else walks in. It’s a friend of that person. You keep your head low as they place their order; four cups of black coffee, extra hot. Your anxiety is increasing, but you don’t want this person to think you’re weak. You keep your back to them, hearing the door open again. 

The other person is called for their order. Maybe you can finally get out of here.

The next thing you know, you feel something steaming hot being poured down the back of your shirt, on your head, thrown in your face, (which you luckily cover most of with your arms) and splattered on your arms and legs. Standing up, you cry out in pain as you whirl around to see 4 people from high school, among them the friend of your former best friend.

“It’s your fault my best friend can’t function, you retard!” the friend snaps as they push you around roughly.

“No one wants you on this planet,” spits another.

“You’re nothing but a parasite!”

“You just weigh people down!”

“You’re an embarrassment to society!”

“Why don’t you just end this?”

“It’ll be better that way!”

“Your birth was a mistake!”

By this time, you’re hardly a thread’s width away from a meltdown and you look at the cashier for help, but nothing. You try to take out your phone to call for help, but you end up slipping on the coffee, falling to the ground hard and in an odd position, hearing a crack. Pain surges through your body as you look at your arms; burn marks are beginning to form.

After they kick at you for a bit and spit on you, they leave. You look up at the cashier. 

“Why....didn’t you help?” you whimper with a whistle in your voice.

No answer. 

They don’t help you up either. Crawling to the door, you use a nearby booth to bring yourself back up to your feet. Suddenly you feel an intense surge of pain in your left leg, and not just from the burns. You look to see that it’s swollen and turning reddish-purple. You reach into your coat and get out your phone only to discover that it’s dead. Wanda’s going to be worried sick....you hate making her worry, and she’s been worried sick these last few weeks to the point where it’s taking a toll on her; so on the way back, you decide to take one worry out of her life for good.

======================

It’s dark when you get back to the compound. And lucky for you, the elevator is closed for repairs. You limp up the stairs, finally reaching the compound. As quiet as a dust mite, you open the door, biting down on your lips to keep yourself from crying out in pain; unfortunately, your lips took some burn damage as well. Limping to the bathroom, you shut and lock the door. You search the medicine cabinet and find some pills.

“This should do the trick,” you whisper.

You try to quietly position yourself on the floor so that you won’t hit your head. You want to be able to pass as peacefully as possible. But something gives in your left leg and you fall, letting out a loud cry of agony. Realizing your mistake, you quickly fiddle with the lid of the bottle as you hear footsteps rush in. You finally get the lid open and begin to pour out the whole bottle into your hand, hoping to get it in in time--

Click!

The lock turns scarlet, clicks, and the door swings opens. 

“(Y/N)!”

A terrified Wanda immediately snatches the pills and bottle from you with her powers. She makes them disappear before heading to your side, tears already flowing from her eyes.

“My sweet angel.....” she squeaks as she kneels in front of you gently taking ahold of your hands. “I didn’t realize you were feeling this terrible. I’m so sorry things have reached this point.”

You look away guiltily. 

“No, I’m sorry....it’s my fault. I never said....anything. You....you’ve been so stressed these past few weeks....all of you. I didn’t want to make it worse on you, so....I just kept quiet.”

Wanda shakes her head.

“You have nothing to apologize for, (y/n). It can be scary, but there’s no shame in reaching out. We all need help sometimes.”

Other footsteps rush in.

“What happened?” Nat asks. “Did (y/n)---?”

“Almost,” Wanda gulps. “We need to get them to the emergency room.”

“I’m fine,” you lie.

“Are you fine?” Wanda asks.

You realize that it’s pointless to lie, and you shake your head.

“No, I’m not....”

“Then we need to take you to the emergency room.....”

That’s when she sees the burns and leg.

“Especially to treat these.....what happened?”

As they carry you to the car, you tell them about the run-in at the coffee shop, them pouring the hot coffee on you, how they were telling you all of these things, how the cashier did nothing to help, how you heard that crack. Both of them are disgusted and horrified at those monsters.

“I don’t care what they say,” Nat tells you as they get you inside. “I’m glad that you’re here.”

“I am too,” Wanda agrees as she gets in the front seat. “We’re here for you.”

“But.....my autism.....”

Wanda gently takes ahold of your fingers, careful to avoid the burns.

“My angel.....I can only imagine how isolating it feels to be in a world that’s not made for you, but your autism is part of who you are. It’s what makes you unique. If the world refuses to accommodate for people like you on their own, we’ll help them to see that they need to, and we’ll help advocate with you.”

Nat nods as she starts the car up and the three of you head for the ER.

“I....I feel selfish worrying you like this and even attempting....I just thought....you’ve been so stressed and I thought it’d be better to take one worry out of your life.”

“You have nothing to feel selfish about,” Wanda assures you. “What you did wasn’t selfish. You’re in pain, and wanting to do something to stop that pain isn’t selfish. But there are better ways to deal with the pain, and I want to help you with those. (Y/N), I can say with 100% certainty that I’m glad to have you in my life, through the good and the bad.”

Tears flow down your face as the three of you silently drive to the ER.

=============================================

It takes several hours for you to be treated, along with a few more hours of consultation for your mental health. Some of the burns are treated through surgery, so you have to stay for a little over a week to make sure you recover and stabilize. Your leg is put in a cast, and Wanda comes to visit you everyday. You feel much better with her and Nat.

A psychologist comes in to discuss a safety plan with you. You decided to ask Wanda if she’d come and discuss it with them. She said yes and Nat also decided to help. You all work out what works in terms of coping mechanisms, people you can talk to, calming techniques, etc,. The psychologist also recommends regular counseling. Wanda asks if there are any remote options for counseling, as it’s going to be difficult for you to get there with your leg, (Also, she’s a little worried that the therapist might try to take you away from her, but she does show concern for your leg) and to her relief, there is. 

You’re discharged after about a week, but you’re not to be left alone for a few days to another week or two, just to be sure. Well, it’s more of Wanda’s recommendation than psychologist’s orders, but the psychologist also thinks that that could be a good idea. You’re not really complaining; it’s more time to spend with Wanda. And she’s certainly not complaining either.

For that time, especially, she makes sure you know that you’re loved, wanted, valued. She practically dotes on you; as if she hadn’t been doting on you before, she’s especially pampering you now. The other Avengers also get the 411, and decide to help. If you need pain or sleep medications, one of them brings the proper dose to you. They take turns spending time with you and getting to know you more. If they need to go out on a mission, Wanda volunteers to stay with you, but if she’s absolutely needed there, she entrusts your care to Vision, a robot who’s exceptionally caring. You and Wanda regularly discuss possibly adding him to the relationship, but you’re not sure if she’s being serious or not. 

On one night, Wanda’s caring for you. After applying the prescribed cream on your burns, she helps you find an oversized t-shirt to wear as PJs. 

“This one’s softer than the others,” you note.

“I went looking for a shirt with a softer material than normal,” she tells you as she prepares a small dose of melatonin for you, one that you’ve been taking to combat the nightmares of those events in the hospital. “I know how much it tends to make you feel discomforted if there is one. I also made sure it was a tagless shirt.”

You smile and sigh.

“I don’t know what I did to deserve an angel like you, Wanda,” you tell her.

Hearing this she smiles and blushes.

“If anyone’s the angel, it’s you,” she says as she gives you the melatonin. “You’ve been there for me even when I’m at my absolute worst.”

“So have you.”

You take the melatonin before Wanda brings you your toothbrush and toothpaste. You brush thoroughly before spitting it into a cup that Wanda disposes of. 

“You know, I could go to the bathroom and do this myself,” you tell her kindly.

“I know,” she sighs. “I’m just worried, my angel.”

“What if I wash my face tonight with the door open?” you suggest.

Wanda gives this a little thought and nods. 

“I can work with that.”

Using your crutches, you walk to the bathroom where you sit on a stool in front of the sink. You wash and dry your face before heading to the bed with Wanda helping you get tucked in.

“You’re seriously an angel,” you tell her. “I don’t think I’ve ever met someone outside of my family that’s been as concerned about my well-being as you.”

“And you’re too sweet,” she smiles again as she finishes getting ready for bed herself. “If anyone’s the undeserving, I don’t deserve you.”

“No, it’s the other way around,” you say.

“No, I’m certain I’m right.”

You giggle.

“Wanda, if we try to prove one right over the other, we’ll be going at this all night.”

She smiles as she goes over to the other side of the bed. 

“Well, I know you’re an angel,” she tells you as she gets under the covers. “You came to me in a dark time, and you shone a beam of sunlight through the shadow.”

The two of you look at each other as the fairy lights hang above you. Of course you’re looking at the bridge of her nose, but you can’t help but glance up at her eyes a few times; one time they catch you, and they are stunning. They’re like emeralds to you; vivid, entrancing, mystical. Just a single glance, and you know there’s so much to know about, so much to discover, and you become lost in them. 

“I’m so proud of you, (y/n).”

Wanda’s gentle voice echoes against your eardrums and dances around your mind, soothing you into drifting even more. But then she boops you on the nose, making it twitch like a bunny’s and snapping you out of your trance.

“Huh?” you ask, looking lost.

Wanda giggles.

“You are too cute,” she tells you. “I was saying that I’m so proud of you for pushing through all of this. It’s not the easiest thing to do, and.....well.....I’m glad you’re still alive, my sweet little sunbeam.”

You blush upon hearing this and turn away, but Wanda gently redirects your face forward.

“There’s no need to hide, my angel. I want to see your lovely face.”

At that moment, you begin to feel drowsy and bring yourself closer to her.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to thank you enough, Wanda,” you sigh.

She brings you in closer and you melt into her embrace.

“Being with you, and you being safe and happy and alive.....that’s the only thank you I need.”

Leaning in, she kisses you gently on your forehead and you shyly return one on her cheek. 

“Goodnight, my angel,” she tells you as she brushes a strand of hair out of your way.

“Wait,” you say as she turns to switch the lights off. “Will....will you sing me those lullabies again? Please?”

“Of course,” she smiles. 

Turning the lights off, she returns to embrace you and softly sings the Sokovian lullabies her parents used to sing to her. As you drift off to sleep, you don’t know what’s going on in her mind. What’s going on with her mind? Her master plan, of course. Tonight’s the night she will finish what she started. Those monsters at the coffee shop messed with the wrong person. For the past few nights, she’s been paying them visits, doing the same things she did with your former best friend, and sending subconscious suggestions for them to gather in one place, thinking they’d be safer together. And now they have.

Tonight she’s going to make sure their minds are gone for good, but not before making them feel the pain and agony she imagines you felt. Her anger with them is in full throttle, so it’s going to be even worse for them. Telekinesis, fear projection, hypnosis, inducing extreme fear, she’ll do whatever she has to. Wanda will not leave until they’re nothing more than hollow husks, shadows of their former selves. With how they’d been acting on those nights, and how much Wanda has done so far, it won’t take too long. 

Because no one-and she means no one-gets away with hurting her precious angel.......ever.

[lilyclawthorne]

Keeping Up A-fear-ance's Thoughts

I finished writing this shortly after 3 am after watching the new episode like three times because I simply had too much energy about it and I have so many thoughts because I simply live for clawthornes and also I tried to break it up with more photos this time sorry not sorry if it's a lot ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

YOUNG EDA!! let me just say I am quite a fan of opening with a flashback like we've done here and the last episode

"we have never seen a curse like this before" Lilith you had shit luck picking out curses huh

"cut it out if we have to" goddamn Gwen let'a calm the fuck down a bit.

anyways we've only really seen young Eda as a wild and confident and happy little child so I appreciate seeing this side of her with the anxiety and fear she's feeling here. I love seeing what the curse stuff was like for her as a kid

Gwen: I raised a perfectly fine kid

Me: no you didn't look at her she's got anxiety

I'm guessing this is their backyard or just some woods behind their house?? wonder if the portal was placed there by another elder family member.

lmao I can't even begin to imagine what small Eda experiencing the human realm was like for the first time

Gwens giving me "I can't accept that my child is disabled/chronically ill/etc." here. y’know the kinda parent that'll put their kid through hell over something they probably will find a way to learn to live with (which Eda did do)

ok that's it I humbly request to know the story behind the fang now (also the noise she made when she put it in was freaking cute)

new dress! new boots! new dress! new boots!

..yikes that fridge is empty

"calm down the curse acts stronger when you're stressed" Eda do you know who you're talking to here

confirmation losing limbs is in fact a side effect of the curse!! (y'know since Eda originally said it just happens when you get older)

please I love these sisters they're so sweet and make me wanna go 🥺

"suddenly curious about my past" "always. always curious" Luz says exactly what we all think

witchlet?? sweet flea?? she's got pet names for them 🥺 (although idk how much I'd like to be referred to as any kind of flea sorry Lilith)

ok Gwen is very much not close to what I expected and I'm kinda grateful for that

she's more like super caring but still managed to royally fuck up which was my original head canon for clawthorne parents so uh that's cool. but literally, look at their body language, Eda's pissed, Lilith's sad and making herself small. she's clearly messed up with her parenting on both of them along the way.

"who knows what they put in those nasty concoctions?" mama clawthorne would be a fucking anti-vaxxer wouldn't she

ok I side with Eda here more than Luz and Lilith. just because Luz misses her mother, or Lilith hasn’t seen their mom in so long doesn’t mean Eda has to feel all grateful for the presence of Gwen, especially if the woman has caused her a lot of trouble over the years

I feel like the fact that its actually both Lilith and Gwendolyn have spent their whole lives dedicated to trying to find a cure could probably have held some kind of weight on Eda at some point. Even though she shouldn't feel guilty or responsible for that, I still feel like it's gotta suck knowing these people have spent so much time on something you know is likely never gonna happen, all for you.

Lilith 😞 her mother really just didn't pay attention to her all these years

hey if this guy does some next level healing magic then why isn't he more well-known, huh? why’d it take so long to come across him?? Gwen do you know what the fuck you're doing cause I think you don't

Lilith just because you're depressed about your mom doesn't mean you have to bring king down too 😠

SUPER irrelevant but is anyone else just bothered by the way Lilith is holding her spoon?? that doesn't seem like a comfortable way to hold a spoon. also is she left handed??

"knife season came early" EDA WHAT DOES THAT MEAN. is this a boiling isles things or is this a it’s common for people to throw knives at you thing

also I want to be surprised Eda fell for the apple blood signs but I am not 😔 

Luz please trust you're gut on this one and not mama clawthorne

ok now I need to know why the fridge was empty but they had 18 cartons of ice cream this is why you guys don't have food you're wasting it all on ice cream.

wow never thought I'd see the day hooty became the voice of reason

also, night market ice cream?? are they implying this ice cream is like, edibles of some sort?? Lilith does seem kinda high here ngl. idk man but at least she wants to stand up for herself so good for her.

PLEASE kings just offering her ice cream while she transforms

"first in a series" Gwen honey oh no. you've been duped. I think we can see where Lilith got her naïveté from huh.

Also, nice snatch Luz 😊

anyways love how this show is basically making fun of moms who refuse to give their kids proper medical treatment or listen to medical professionals here

EXCUSE ME why do we know Gwen's palisman's name before we know Lilith's?????

"I am a mother who'll do anything for her daughter" you're mom who's suffocating obsession with one daughter has left the other neglected and is currently causing her to turn into a full on beast ya dummy

Eda DOES have a right to be upset. it sucks that her own valid emotions that she should get to feel will cause her while body to betray her.

PLEASE I’M SO GLAD LILITH’S BEAST DESIGN LOOKS LIKE HER AND IS NOT THE THING FROM THE TRAILER THAT IS ACTUALLY IN EDA"S HEAD WHEN SHE’S TRANSFORMED

but also why is she SO massive?? also anyone concerned that this is her first transformation and the light glyph trick wouldn't even work??

Gwen look at what you've done, you've fostered feelings of inferiority in one daughter causing her to feel the need for sibling rivalry that the pure instincts of the raven beast cannot suppress no matter how much their sisterly relationship had improved.

HOW COULD YOUR OTHER DAUGHTER ALSO BEING CURSED BE A PART OF THE PROCESS GWEN??

"after Eda was cursed, I joined the beast keeping coven" woah woah WOAH. you're telling me you only joined because of trying to help Eda. that covens existed, before Eda got cursed, and you very much weren't a part of one. combine that with "some words for belos" she has and do I smell wild witch theory still plausible???

anyways at least mama clawthorne is getting some sense into her head here

Morton c'mon help a girl out, that's some dang good art too what the heck dude

ok fine mama clawthorne to the rescue

no pls not raven beast Lilith crying im crying now

Gwen: I raised a fine and self-sufficient child

Me: no you didn't look at her. she's got, SO MUCH.

GODDAMN THATS SOME POWER. ngl this only adds fuel to the fire in my head that there was some kinda reasoning these sisters were torn apart, that someone felt they'd be too powerful together (and they were probably right)

"I heard you but I couldn't stop myself, I couldn't do anything" may be just because she's not used to the curse but again part of me is concerned that because she couldn't pull herself out of it even a little bit like Eda did that there's something wrong there. but she also could've been stressed beyond reasonably calming herself down too.

ok but this is sweet

NOOO im so sad Lilith's leaving :( I literally cried ok

"you lived here?" fine OKAY king that was hilarious even if im sad about this

"reconnect with dad" excuse me where the fuck has this man been in the middle of all of this. curse shit is going DOWN and he's just chilling at home.

I am curious about people's thoughts regarding the whole Lilith regression thing and the fact that she's literally going to be living with her parents again. I feel like it could help nurture that inner child she's been reverting back to and help her out a LOT. but I could also be concerned about it feeding into the regression and making it worse?? idk and this show probably ain't getting that actually deep into psych anyways

"some day my hair is gonna be big enough to do that too" Luz I cannot wait for the day. also mood, I wish I could do that too.

alright who's holding the fucking pen for hooty we need a volunteer RIGHT NOW so we can remain in contact with Lulu

NOT THE ONLY HUMAN? my bets on the real azura rip never mind she said he

Titan’s Blood?? interesting. If the blood of the titan is around I wonder what that means regarding the titans existence, and how long its been since the titan fell.

AHH BABY LUZ PHOTO

ALSO WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?? They're really gonna spring that on us like this??? Camila's gotta notice somethings wrong right??? Unless any differences she just chalks up to the camp?? oh god :(

well, anyways lumity shippers come get yo juice next weekend

anyways im gonna need to add a NOT canon compliant tag on that one Gwendolyn fic I wrote because it definitely do not comply anymore

[ecclais-fouoras]

Lap dance pt1

(chapter 2 of this fanfic)

Warnings: mentions of prostitution, disabilities

It was your friend's bachelorette party,

You Were all at a strip club drinking a d laughing.

Wilhelmina dressed in a purple strapless dress and yourself with a nice blue suit, the both of you had a silly hat and a crossing belt that's said 'nalla's last Happy night'. It was getting later and you where all getting more tipsy by the minute.

When the sexy song arrived you knew it was time for her to have fun. As the women on stage stopped dancing and walked towards the Booth you were at, you could see wilhelmina blushing and whispered in her ear

"enjoying the show here babe"

Her breath got stuck in her lungs for a second and you burst out laughing.

You suddenly stopped when you could feel the striper starting a lap dance on you, swaying her lips to the rhithm of the song.

You grew your eyes at wilhelmina and she nodded slightly. You shifted slightly as she started grinding on your thighs and picking up your hands to rest on her hips. She continued to move her body on you and turned around to face you, she was now straddling you and rocking against you with her back arched and her bra slowly exposing her boob.

She gave you a quick kiss on the cheek and you mouthed 'thank you' as she moved to do the same to wilhelmina who politely refused. Her face unreadable, you tried to see if she was okay and why she'd refused to participate. The party ended at 3:45 am and you came home later on.

You quickly got undressed and took your undershirt off. You pour yourself a glass of water and made one for wilhelmina too.

"You should drink sweetie, you're gonna get dehydrated", she took the glass but still said nothing to you.

You put on some slow beat music and made your way to the bathroom and took out the pills for tomorrow's probable headache.

"Mina do you want 20 or 40 mg tomorrow ?" She didn't reply so you poked your head out the door.

"Babe?....V?" She laid on the sofa her hand above her head.

"Mina darling are you okay ? Was it too much..? Is your back hurting ? Talk to me babe" her face soften a bit before her brows scrunched up again.

"I'm fine." You reach for her hand and kissed her softly.

"..talk to me love"

"Go to bed. And stop wondering around in your underwear. The neighborhood doesn't have to see you naked."

"Wilhelmina venable what is going on right now. Why are you mad at me ?"

"I am not mad at you"

"Yeah and I'm not gay... Babe we've been over this, you need to tell me what's going on" you sat on your heels next to her and stroked her cheek.

"I love you wilhelmina, you know that right"

"Yes"

"So what's going on babe ?"

She sat up again and looked into your eyes

"Did you like it ?"

"What"

"The striper's lap dance"

"Mina...i..."

"Just be honest with me"

"..yes"

"Were you aroused ?"

"...it's a lap dance honey that's the whole point"

"That's not an answer"

"Yes. But why are you making it so bad?"

"So she turned you on ?"

"Yes mina for God sake."

"Did you want to fuck her huh?"

"No"

"Don't lie to me y/n"

"I'm not, yes I liked it, yes it turned me on, but that doesn't mean I wanted to fuck her."

"How come?"

"The body doesn't always answer the mind wilhelmina. Your brain doesn't always control your physical reactions. That's why You can be aroused in dramatic situations."

"Since when"

"Since you're a kid mina. There's a reason why small boys laugh when you change their diapers. And why little girls grind on their bikes. And it only increases as you grow up."

"And what does this have to do with that happened at the strip club"

"I thought you were fine with what happened at the club. Mina we talked about this, and I made sure you were okay with it. "

"I was until she started letting your hands touch her."

"Babe...it was just an act. She knows she'll never see me again. And she sees people like us every night."

"You didn't seem to be acting the way your were horny"

"I wasn't 'horny' as you said it mina, but yes, a woman gives me a lap dance in lingerie, im a lesbian wilhelmina, yes I was aroused. But that's not the real problem right ?"

"I...what are you saying"

"There's another reason your upset. I watched you during the dance, you weren't upset I was enjoying it. There is something else" you place your hands on her lap

"..mina, you know I love you, I only want you, you're the only one I need, i only enjoyed because you were watching me"

"..yes"

"Me enjoying the lap dance wasn't the problem wasn't it ?"

"No"

"What was it then honey"

"...y... you're going to think it's ridiculous"

"I would never think that about something that's making you this upset"

"..i...I'll...I'll never be able to give you one."

You chuckled slightly shocked at her words.

"See I told you you'd make fun of me"

"No..no...no babe it's just...I wasn't expecting that...I don't understand why it got you so upset, it's not a big deal, i don't need lap dances"

"But you enjoy them"

"But I don't need it, at all. And especially in my sex life."

"...be honest with me, do I make your...sex life boring, are there things you miss because of me?" You cupped her cheek

"Hey...hey...hey no. Babe I'm very satisfied with my sex life. . I'm not missing anything, I get to have sex with you, and I don't care about how, or with what, or in which complicated position. I just want to be in sync with your body, make you cum, hold you close. That's it. That's what gets me off. Not the toys, not the poses, or dances. Just your pleasure, All I want is you"

"...but I'd like to give you a lap dance, or a striptease for you, at the bar I could see your face, and the way you looked at her body. I can't help but want that too."

"Wilhelmina, i look at you like this too, not in the same exact way obviously, cause you're mine, my beautiful and sexy piece of ass."

She laughed and it sent butterflies in your stomach.

"Besides Giving lap dance all day isn't that fun, and it really exhausting"

"How do you even know ?"

"I just do wilhelmina"

"Y/n...? I told you why I was upset, it's your turn."

"...well before I knew you, I worked at a strip club"

"You what ?"

"I used to be a stripper V"

"Why ??!"

"Because I didn't have any money, no friends, no place to stay. It was what put food in my stomach and the end of the day"

"Oh god...babe...how long did you stay like this ?"

"Two years and a half without my apartment and 6 month with it. As soon as I got a roof over my head everything became kind of easier"

"Where'd you stay before that ?"

"Every where, outside in a small street most of the time. If i was lucky I would find an abandoned house to sleep in"

"...oh god...how old were you ?"

"It was when I arrived in the us, so probably 17 and a half ? Yeah, almost 18...it may not have been the greatest period of my life but it was still better than what I lived back in russia. The stripping part wasn't so terrible, my boss was a nice lady, and she took me in even though she didn't have the legal right to, and it saved me from having to...let's Just say she helped me a lot." She kissed your cheek as a reassuring gesture.

"Y/n from having to what ? You're scaring me"

"Well...when she met me, it was because one of the girl I worked with before Introduced her. Wilhelmina i didn't have any other options except selling drugs but that could have gotten me in too much trouble so I sold... something else, the only thing I knew how to do." She stroked your hair to help you continue.

"I guess you could say I was a real bitch huh. "Why would I  ever say that y/n"

"Mina I was a whore. A litteral prostitute, I sold my body to anyone who'd give me a good price. On the streets, roads or forests. It's what got me out of russia, out of france and here today. I build myself on sex work."

"That doesn't define who you are today, it doesn't make you any less legitimate in your current job. And it doesn't even begin to make me love you any less y/n"

"Thank you darling, it means a lot to me"

You held each other tightly, her hands rubbing your back. After a few moments you broke off the embrace took her hand before leading her upstairs, to your room and put her to bed.

"I'm not showered honey" she made a move to stand up but you guided her back down

"It doesn't matter, just take that off and let me cuddle you."

"Alright, sweet dreams y/n"

You fell asleep shortly afterwards, snuggled up, together, your hand in her hair, her breath on your neck, lips grazing your skin.

[chidoroki]

TPN - Ray one-shot

Me? Writing about new tpn manga content? Even I'm surprised, but I am certainly not complaining! The main series may have ended but this extra chapter gives us even more details regarding Ray's realization about the truth of Grace Field house.

I'm gonna start off and say that this whole backstory about him is absolutely wonderful and it's great to see this new side of Ray. In the main series, he was always portrayed as the calm and collected one out of the full-score trio. Right from the beginning, he comes off as an intelligent tactician who's a little closed off and quiet. So to see him finally freak out and be completely clueless.. is great (in a sad way).

We all had to be just as surprised and scared when we first learned the truth alongside Emma and Norman during our first read/watch. The idea of all the children being raised as food for the demons is enough to scare any child, as we saw from many of them throughout the entire main series.

So when Emma and Norman first inform Ray about the “shocking” news and their plan to escape, he kept his composure rather well, compared to everyone else (and probably us).

I know, at this point he was well aware of the truth for years now and had to fool everyone else so his own plans would succeed, but that's why this extra story is so good. We finally get to see his true reaction and just how scared, panicked and worried he really was, so much so that Ray also had nightmares about the truth and demons, like Emma (ch2/ep2) and Norman (ch15/ep5) did, only he had to deal with them almost every single night, for years, and it breaks my heart.

Why was he the only to realize the life they were all living was a complete lie? Should he tell the others or feign ignorance and ignore everything? Why must this precious young child be stressing out so much and I can't help him?? All he wanted was happiness!

But bless these adorable panels of the young trio though.. they make my heart so happy. I just wanna protect all of them!

Anyways, what I really like is that despite how firm Ray was about saving only Emma & Norman in the main series, this story shows he wasn't always like that. Even if the truth completely terrified Ray, he did once consider saving everyone else in the house. However, he lacked the amount of information needed and therefore couldn't come up with a solid plan.

Not being able to help his family live is painful and he wishes for this crazy world to stop so badly. Back when Emma asked Ray about the shipments, he just kept quiet, so seeing now how upset he used to get whenever one of their siblings got shipped out hurts so good.

I never doubted this boy and how much he cares for his family, but seeing how he had to harden his heart to continue with his own escape plan really hits me in the feels. Ray might have said years later that the younger kids would just be a burden during the escape, but I'm sure that just thinking about that bothered him just as much as it did for us hearing it.

He knows saving everyone will be impossible, especially after he learned more about the trackers. In the main series, we know he's performed many tests on tracking devices and became very knowledgeable on how they work. That being said, I originally thought this one scene from the manga was just showing us that Ray had just learned the location of the device and made an attempt to remove it, by scratching it or something..

I had no idea he completely broke the thing though! With a simple stick nonetheless! No wonder he spends those six years gathering parts to build a taser just to disable the devices, because damn boy. Not only that, but he used that opportunity to time Isabella's movements and confirm that the trackers indeed have an alarm that inform her once they're broken.

And yes, learning he broke his tracker raises many questions, like if he broke his when he was six, then why is there one still present year later during the fire scene of the escape? Did Isabella somehow stick a new tracker in Ray's ear? Or is this one tracking device from somebody else, perhaps one of the other 13 kids Emma and Ray escaped with, since they claimed they did remove their trackers before they left the house. I briefly saw others mention something from Shirai regarding that there's another transmitter Isabella has that's different or something? Anyway, whatever the true explanation may be, Ray amazes me okay?

One of my favorite things about this extra chapter is how it compares to the main series, especially with a scene like this. With the stick scene and this one from the main series, one could almost believe that Ray pulled off such a stunt out of retaliation, an act of defiance, maybe anger or just to test Isabella and what she's capable of.

But then the side story continues and dives even deeper as it shows us how scared Ray really was in this moment. He had no idea if destroying his tracker would result in the end of his life or a golden opportunity for more information and temporary safety. And it's here he realizes that the mom he once loved doesn't care for him at all, even if he still desperately wishes she did in this crucial moment. (hold up, my heart is breaking ahhh)

Thankfully for everyone and the entire story, Isabella accepts Ray's deal, which leads him to gather all the information he can by any means necessary. With all the spent alone reading, the anxiety that came with keeping quiet, and all the pain he had to hide as he watched so many people he cared for be sent off to die, just everything.. he endured it all to just have a chance to save somebody.

Y'all.. I've been thinking about this entire one-shot all afternoon and I can't express how much I appreciate this boy. Ray is simply the best boy and my mind can't be changed!

[the-hopeless-haze]

Someone to Need You Too Much (Being Alive Chapter 4)

(not my gif)

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CONTENT WARNING: This chapter mentions past sexual abuse. It is par for the course in what you’d expect in an SVU episode but I am mentioning it here because it concerns the reader.

This is when Rafael usually starts checking out.

But you weren't how women normally acted at this stage, hell, the two of you hadn't even made it official yet or told the squad.

You needed him, though, in ways he wasn't used to being needed, having been single for so long. You'd call him if you hadn’t seen him over at the precinct, ask him how his day went and talk about yours, and you'd get him out of the office to go to dinner at least once a week.

But you never said this, you never verbalized that you needed him there, you never nagged, never made him feel bad if his work got in the way and he had to reschedule. Maybe it's because you were busy too, or maybe you were just that understanding. Either way, he’s surprised the two of you haven’t gotten into a fight more serious than work-related spats.

Rafael had been right, as this was fun at least for now, and maybe if all you needed him for was weekend dinners and the occasional Broadway show, that’d be fine. Your sense of humor matches his, you drink scotch, you smell lovely... but you had been pulling away recently; in fact, you hadn’t called him since you went out to dinner last weekend. He tries to chalk it up to you being busy with work, but he can’t fight the anxiety that the end is already here. Why the hell did he even give this a half-assed shot? Of course you weren’t genuinely interested. Of course you’d be another tally mark, another notch in his belt- and it’s not like he was truly upset, because he had figured it would end at some point the second he agreed to take you to dinner, and thankfully, the squad didn’t know yet. Still, though, this soon? It’d barely been two months.

Or maybe your withdrawal was due to that time you were making out with him on the couch - and you’d suddenly pushed him off, went to the bathroom, and didn’t kiss him the rest of the night. He broke out an expensive bottle of wine, then, and tried his best to genuinely apologize, because he did feel awful - but you’d told him he’d done nothing wrong, and that you just needed time. But maybe you’d lied to make him feel better; maybe he had pushed you too far, which truly wasn’t his intention. Rafael may be a dick, but working sex crimes gave him a much better respect for the responsibility of a man to make sure his partner was comfortable with what was happening in the bedroom (or on the couch, or wherever). But Jesus, he’d barely touched you, and he made a point to be more careful with you than anyone he’d ever been with, not just because of your age, but because he figured that your irreparable damage had been of a sexual nature, whether it was a bad boyfriend who didn’t take your needs into consideration or something more serious due to your conversation with Olivia months prior.

With that in mind, Rafael decides it’s more probable that it is work that was causing you to distance yourself rather than anything he may have done. The cases with children were always difficult, for anyone, really, but especially you. And this man? He targeted disabled children specifically, and you weren't doing well. He wonders how he could go about asking to take you off it without you finding out and without Olivia interrogating him as to why he cared so much. It's not like you're not putting in the work; in fact, it's the opposite, if anything, you're drowning yourself in it. Every time he stops by the precinct, you barely say a hello to him, and you're buried in a case file or researching something on your laptop, biting your nails down to the quick. You were always invested in your work, but not like this, and Rafael was a workaholic if there ever was one, but even you were stressing him out right now. He has half a mind to search your purse for a new pack of cigarettes, but he doesn't think you'd take too kindly to that.

When he gets to the precinct later this morning, you’re not there, though, and he asks Carisi why reluctantly. He frowns, looking genuinely upset. “She’s not taking this too well, Barba. I know she wants to be here, but it hits home for whatever reason, and Searge made her take the rest of the day off and probably tomorrow. She was crying when she left, but she wouldn’t talk to me. I mean, whatever it is, I don’t think she should be questioning the suspect, but she’s good with the kids, you know?”

Rafael would be lying if he said he wasn’t a little worried, but he figured you’d turn up of your own accord if you needed to talk.

And later on, early in the afternoon, you do.

"Are you busy?" you ask, standing in his office doorway awkwardly.

"Always,” he says, but he takes his feet off the desk and puts down his legal pad. “What brings you out here? Carisi told me Liv sent you home.”

"I...I need to talk. I don’t want to be alone right now,” you say anxiously.

"Okay. Sit down," he says.

You oblige, sitting in the seat across from his desk, but you’re still trembling. "My brother is disabled."

It all makes sense now, why this case, in particular, was hurting you so much. God, if this case turned his stomach, what did it do to you?

“He... he was raped, too. It was my dad’s best friend... basically his brother. We used to call him uncle. He was a teacher, and he’d pick us up after school a lot and bring us back home to watch us. I...I’m older than my brother by two years, and I joined the soccer team in middle school and that man would be alone with him. I just... I... my brother couldn’t voice it, not the way you and I can. Most nine-year-olds can’t anyway, you know, but because of the disability... he had no idea. He didn’t know the words to explain what happened to him, but he would start saying he didn’t want to go home with this man. My parents both worked long hours, and they were on the outs anyway, so they just thought he missed them and didn’t look into it. They trusted that man... and I did too. Until... one day a game was canceled because of rain, and I walked in, and...”

You stop talking, silent tears falling from your eyes. Rafael gets up, coming round to the edge of the desk to stand closer to you.

“Hey. Take your time,” he whispers, leaning over and putting a hand on your shoulder. “I know this is hard.”

You nod, looking up at him. “I barely knew what sex was at that time. I didn’t really know what to call it, but I knew my brother was getting hurt, that the man was taking advantage of him, and maybe I should’ve called my mother or my father or the police, but I didn’t. I froze for a few moments and then I did the only thing that came to me and I tried to pull him off my brother. It worked, I scared him enough to make him stop but he grabbed me and...he did the same to me. I just remember it hurt so bad... like he was tearing me in half.”

Rafael shudders, but even still he’s in awe of your brazenness even at 11 years old. Just going right in and apprehending the perpetrator. You were born a detective, in a way.

You’re sobbing, now, and really, he can’t blame you. Suddenly, you get up, throwing your arms around him, and if you were ever in need of a hug, he supposes after recounting this story would be the prime time.

“Hey, hey, shhh. No one’s gonna hurt you now, (y/n),” he murmurs, running his hand over your hair. “Lo siento. Shhh. Shh.”

He calms you down a little bit, whispering condolences in Spanish and kissing the top of your head. Rafael doesn’t know exactly what to do as he’s never been good at comforting anyone. It’s something his exes would yell at him for time and time again, assuming his awkwardness meant that he didn’t care they were upset. It’s just something he wishes he could avoid, that everyone could sort out their issues alone as he did. But that was a joke, wasn’t it? Like he’d sorted anything out in these four decades of being alive. He repressed them, sure, but healed from them? No. And maybe it wasn’t fair to expect everyone to live that way.

And again, he can’t really blame you for needing someone right now, even though he sort of wished it wasn’t him (and he does feel guilty for thinking that, but it’s still true). What you’d gone through, well, it was unthinkable, and he imagines you relive it through the eyes of your brother every time you talk to one of these victims. What solace could Rafael give you right now besides, “Oh, honey, it gets better”?

Fuck that. Maybe it did get better, or you got better yourself, but none of that was going to come from Rafael trying to manifest it with his meaningless words. Rafael presumes another reason you came here besides your (ongoing?) fling was because he wasn’t an SVU detective and wasn’t going to revictimize you. So, instead, he asks what a lawyer would ask. “Did he get convicted?”

“Yeah. He did get put away,” you continue, as you pull away from him a little, still holding onto his arms. “It took me a while to come to terms with it, but I couldn’t let him continue to do that to my brother. I told my parents within the week.”

“Did your father believe you?” he asks, unsure if that was insensitive to ask.

“My father definitely didn’t want to believe it at first, but he always believed me for everything. We were always close, still are. My mother... I think she felt she failed as a mom for not noticing it, so she was in denial for a while. The detectives that dealt with it... they didn’t even look into the school, they just tried him for our case. And I always hated them for that, when I was old enough to realize.”

“Is this why you became a detective?” he asks quietly.

“Well, sort of. I wouldn’t have if I didn’t know about SVU; that’s why I have all those psychology credits too. I wasn’t entirely sure what I wanted to do. I always wanted to come to New York, though, and you know, I thought I’d be able to help children who went through the same thing my brother and I did. I just didn’t think it’d be this hard,” you say, looking up at him.

“Of course it’s hard. SVU is hard for me, too, and I haven’t experienced anything like that,” he says, swallowing thickly. But that was a lie, in a sense, as he'd been beaten before by the hands of his own father and watched his mother suffer as well. There was a reason he was distant during domestic violence cases. He hopes you don't notice this omission, and he looks at you sympathetically instead.

“I thought I could handle it, though, and not act like a basket case,” you say, turning away from his gaze. “How am I supposed to help anyone if I get sent home?”

“Why did Liv send you home?” he asks, again wondering if he was asking the questions you needed to answer. A good part of his job was figuring out the right questions to ask, but this was overwhelming. “Not that I don’t agree, but I’m just wondering what she said."

You roll your eyes, sniffle a little. “She said it wasn’t good for my mental health to be around the suspect and that I was going to stress out the parents. No one on that squad knows what it’s like to live with and love someone with a disability, Rafael, and I just... I want to be there. I could help, if she’d let me.”

“Now isn’t the time to beat yourself up. I think the time off will be helpful to you," he says, squeezing your shoulder again. Wasn't that the catch-22? You join these professions to help people like yourself, but you hurt yourself in the process and become of no use. He thinks back to the first domestic violence case he was put on, a family not unlike his own, and it nearly broke him down, nearly made him quit and throw away those seven years of education. But he didn't. And you wouldn't walk away either.

“How is your brother doing now?”

“Ben - his name is Ben - he’s doing better. He's very shy, and he can get anxious and have panic attacks. He has fragile X syndrome, and that’s what caused his autism... I used to try and take him out everywhere with me once I got a car, to help him get used to talking to people. It doesn’t help, you know, the way people are when they see someone disabled, and sometimes it’d be hard, but... I just want him to live as normal a life as possible. He still lives with my mom, now. I just think the assault made him so much worse. I mean, I don’t know if he’ll ever get a job, now, or... it’s just hard to think about sometimes.”

“I can only imagine,” he says softly, because he really has no idea.

“Well, I’m just gonna...I’m just gonna go home,” you say. “Thank you for listening. I needed someone to. I know it’s a lot. But I don’t want to take you away from this case either. We’re already one person down since Liv kicked me out, and if I needed you to win the last case... I absolutely need you to win this one, Rafael. I didn’t get to question that man but I was on this case before and I know he raped them, that fucking bastard—“

“Hey, hey, calm down,” he says gently. “Okay. I know. I watched Liv interrogate him earlier. I believe you, and you know I’m going to do everything I can. I'm going to charge him, and we're going to get him.” Jesus, he needs to stop promising you guilty verdicts. But how the hell could he say no when this clearly meant the world to you? This was all too much. What the hell did you need?

“Okay. I know I’m asking for a lot but I need... I need this. And I can help you however you need. Liv can’t stop me from helping you prep witnesses or—“

“Slow down, (y/n). You still need the time off. You know that, right? You’re going to keep getting kicked off cases if you keep trying to push it. I know how Olivia is when it comes to this.”

“But, Rafael—“

“No. We’re done talking about the case, now, okay? You need to think about something else and get your mind off it for a while. Did you want to go get coffee?”

Fucking coffee. Why did Rafael think that equaled comfort? Maybe because the harsh acidity of stale coffee was his only friend some days, and he’d learned that a good cup could be a great mood improvement. Fuck, that was sad, wasn’t it?

“No, it’s fine,” you say, your face falling. “You need to work. I’m just going to go back home, then.”

You turn to leave, grabbing your purse with shaky hands, but he stops you.

“Are you sure you should be alone right now?”

“You’re working, Rafael—“

“Yes, I know, but you’re welcome to stay here.”

You force a smile, shaking your head. “No. It’s okay. I appreciate it. Are you free later though? I know we haven’t gone out in a while, and I could use the company.”

So you didn’t want to end things. Rafael is simultaneously relieved that you wanted to stick around and terrified for the very same reason.

“You know what?” he says, feeling a brazenness he’s unsure of the origin of. “Do you want just a night in? I can give you my apartment key. If you want to go there now, you can. I’ll meet you there later. I’ll try to get out around 7.”

“You want me to just hang out in your apartment?

“Yes,” he says, kissing the top of your head and giving you the key. “I have good scotch, and I guarantee I have a better shower head installed than your apartment. Just go. Make yourself comfortable.”

“Yeah, just say my apartment's a piece of shit, Rafael," you scoff.

He smirks. "That's not what I said. It's not bad for a single woman on a detective's salary. I can tell you saved for it. But it's nowhere near the lap of luxury."

"Oh, but your place is?" you counter, hands on your hips. You're still stressed, he can tell, but maybe you needed the banter. He hopes he's not pushing it too far.

"No, I wouldn't go that far. But tell me, where would you rather spend the night?"

You roll your eyes at him, and he knows you've conceded.

"Do you have anything in your fridge?" you ask. "I could at least cook."

“Probably not. But don’t worry about it. I can pick something up on my way home.”

“No, you don’t get it, I like to cook. Sonny gave me new recipes. You have a bigger kitchen than I do..."

“Is that what would make you happy?”

“Yeah. I need to put my mind on something else right now; like you said.”

“Then... have at it. Don’t burn my place down, though.”

You roll your eyes, kiss his cheek, and leave.

He’s not used to having to take care of anyone. It's been so long since he let anyone get this close, that they felt he would take care of them. Maybe that wasn’t what you were looking for. He wasn’t your father; maybe you just wanted support from an equal. Maybe he wanted to give it. It’s foreign, the feeling of walls he’d spent so long trying to build cracking at the foundations. But hell, if anyone could... couldn’t it be you?

It’s not like Rafael was opposed to long-term, except, well, he was. He’d say there was never an opportunity, he’d tell his mother there was just no one out there. But it’s not like he tried, either.

With you, it’s not much like trying. It all just happened effortlessly, on his part, at least. You made the first move, and most of the successive ones after that. And you’d said you didn’t know what you wanted - yet it’s becoming clearer to Rafael that what you were the kind of person who needed a partner, a lover, possibly a husband. That makes him beyond uneasy. He’d grown to care about you more than he would have liked these past couple of months, but that didn’t mean he was ready for that kind of commitment, if he ever would be.

And this, now, this requires more effort on his part; it requires more of himself to be used to try and help you feel better.

When he comes home that night, the kitchen is a complete mess, with flour in every crevice, dirty pans in the sink, and grocery bags left on the table. It damn near gives him a heart attack, and maybe he would’ve yelled at you, but he swallows his anger down bitterly. You need gentleness, kindness, softness right now, and that’s a tall order for Rafael, especially when you destroy his apartment... but he couldn’t forgive himself if he hurt you when you were already down. Kitchens could be cleaned. Trust couldn’t be repaired.

It might all be worth it, though. And, as it turns out, maybe Carisi was good for something, or you were an amazing chef (perhaps both) because it might have been the best pasta he’d ever had in his life.

“So you made this? These little things?” He stabs into a couple more pillows of pasta, enjoying the fresh, springy taste.

You laugh, clear and bright. You’re a little tipsy; you’d taken full advantage of his scotch collection, but you needed to take the edge off. “They’re called gnocchi, Rafael. And yes. I made them from scratch.”

“I just might have to keep you around,” he says, smiling at you, and you giggle, kissing his open mouth.

“You better,” you say, moving to sit on his lap. He wraps his arms around your waist. “Anyone else I’ve tried to get close to... it scares them. Or they don’t comprehend how big of a deal it was. It broke me, Rafael. It broke my whole family. You might be the only man I’ve been with who’s understood the consequences that has on a person and still not look at me like it’s all that I am.”

“I know. It’s not who you are. It’s something that happened to you,” he murmurs in your ear, kissing your cheek chastely. “I would never change my opinion on you based on that.”

If anything, all your story does is cause him to have greater respect for you, not because you survived, because what other option did you have? No, it’s how selfless you are, putting your brother before yourself, choosing this career path over a million others that would have been much easier on you. Judging people based on what they had gone through is ridiculous. That tells you nothing about a person. It’s what they do in the aftermath of the things that happen to them that shows you who they are.

What was Rafael then, in the aftermath of the pain he had been caused?

He doesn’t want to think about that. Ugly things like that were better left unsaid. But eventually, he knows, you’d go there. You’d unravel the real reason why he was single, why he never asked anyone to marry him, why he was so scared to get close... but not yet. Tonight was about you.

“I need to get back out there, Rafael. I need to help those kids,” you say, your voice shaking.

“You will. You’re going to. But you need to know when to step back, (y/n). You’re going to burn out if you don’t,” he says softly.

Rafael still doesn’t feel like he’s doing enough; he feels like you need more than he’ll ever be able to give. And you’ve had to have been hurt in relationships in the past, Rafael knows how teenage boys are having been one himself. God, if he could smack his younger self in the face, he would, one thousand times over.

“I...I do agree that it wouldn’t be good for me to talk with the suspect. I’ll gladly leave that to the rest of the squad. But those kids? The parents? You know that no one is better suited for prepping them for court than me. Let me help you, then.”

“Okay,” he concedes. “But... I have conditions.”

“Naturally.”

He smirks a little, pecking your lips softly. “You’re right. No contact with the defendant. And you need to talk to Olivia first.”

“Rafael—“

“Don’t you want to get paid for this?” he says, smiling wryly. “It is work, you know.”

“You just want to make sure I’m cleared so it doesn’t come to bite you in the ass somehow.”

“Well, yes, of course. Olivia would find out that you helped. Also... you need to back away if it gets too much. I’ll send you home, too, if necessary.”

You sigh, nodding. “Fine. Agreed.”

“Okay. Now we’re done talking about it for the rest of the night.”

“Thank you, Rafael,” you say, looping your arms around his neck. “You’re a hard ass most of the time, but you really helped me today. You just see things so clearly.”

He helped you? He hoped so, that something he did got through, but he didn’t really believe anything could. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t emotionally drained, though, as he definitely wasn’t used his emotional support being needed this much.

“Listen...I’m not trying to rush anything either, but I just want you to know I’m glad I have you around,” you say softly.

“Me too,” he says, honestly, and it all feels so strange, letting someone use him to feel better. It felt good, though, to see you in a better mood, even though he doesn’t feel like he’s entirely the cause of that. Scotch certainly helps. Good food does, too. Solitary comforts, which Rafael knows too well. “Thank you for cooking.”

“You’re welcome. I should cook more often, really. Your blood pressure must be through the roof with all the takeout you eat.”

He squeezes your waist tighter, ignoring your comment, ignoring the fact that he might possibly need you too. You run your fingers through his hair, your nails scratching his scalp lightly, and you kiss him gently.

“Well, I got to clean the kitchen I destroyed,” you say.

“I’ll help,” he says, and you kiss him again. It’s gentle, too soft yet too much, and there’s something in your eyes when you pull away, something real, there, something he doesn’t quite recognize or understand at first. It aches, it pulls at heartstrings that maybe have never been touched before. It scares him, a little. What happened to you saying you didn't want to rush things?

For once, words fail him. All he can do is lean up, place his hand on the back of your neck, and kiss you again. He’s careful not to push too far, not to scare you off. You need someone willing to take his time; someone willing to give you his all. Was Rafael really that man? Was he really up for the job?

Maybe, he concedes, that was for you to decide, not himself.

You get off his lap and smile at him before starting to work on the floury mess caking his counter island.

Maybe it wasn’t so bad being needed, even if he hated the aching feeling in his chest he got when he saw you cry, hated how you still seemed like you were too much, too good for him. Part of him still hates you, what with your constantly flickering emotions and your snippy remarks that remind all too much of...himself.

But you needed him there. Who was he to refuse to oblige, even if it scared the shit out of him?

———

Rafael wins the case again. Maybe he should keep promising you guilty verdicts if every time he does it turns out that way. Or, more likely, promising you causes him to work ten times harder just so he doesn’t disappoint you. You did help him a lot this time, per Olivia’s gracious acceptance of your proposal to work more closely with Rafael on this case. She’d said it would be good for you, and it was. You’re not as elated as he hoped you’d be, but you’re probably sick to your stomach thinking about how those kids were going to live their lives now or if they’d get the support your own brother got. But it's certainly better than the alternative. At least that man won't see the light of day for a long while, if ever.

It’s just all very bittersweet.

The squad goes out for drinks, but they’re not rowdy like they can be. Instead, the atmosphere is sullen. This case hurt everyone differently, and everyone is wearing their pain to the bar in an attempt to drink it away. Everyone is especially generous to you - Nick and Sonny fight over covering your drinks and Olivia buys you dinner. Normally, he thinks, you would protest, but you need this right now, and you don't argue with them.

Eventually, though, being around them seems too much, and you head to sit at the bar by yourself. Amanda looks at Rafael pointedly after fifteen minutes of your absence passes. "Are you going to check on her, Barba?
"

"What?"

"You heard me. Can you, please?"

The atmosphere is too tense to banter, so he just nods and makes his way over to you. "How are you doing?"

"Amanda's still trying to play matchmaker?" you say, smiling, but it doesn't quite meet your eyes.

"Evidently. But, I really do want to know how you're feeling."

You shrug your shoulders, turning to face him better. "I've been better. I'm just glad it's over. I’m actually going home for a bit,” you tell him. “I have a couple of vacation days to use, so I won’t be around.”

“Okay,” he says. “I hope your brother is doing well.”

“Yeah. Me too. And you know... I’ll make it up to you. I’m sorry for the distance I put between us, you know, earlier this week? I didn’t mean to, but this case—“

“You don’t need to apologize, (y/n),” he says, giving you a tight-lipped smile.

“Oh. I mean, I did feel bad, leaving you hanging like that. I just know when I get stressed like that I’m not good company.”

“You’re always good company, cariño,” he says quietly, and you reach under the table to squeeze his hand. Rafael doesn’t quite know what you need, and this may be too much, it may draw the attention of the squad - but they aren’t paying attention. Or, fuck it, if they were. He intertwines his fingers wtih yours, squeezing back gingerly.

“Charmer,” you tease, smiling sweetly, sneaking a glance at your hands. “But... Rafi, we are dating, right?”

“Is that what you need from me?”

“I mean, I’d like that. It’s been a couple of months, and we don’t hate each other... why not? We don’t have to tell the squad yet, but I think I might mention to my parents I’m seeing someone when I go up there. Is that okay?”

“That’s...fine, (y/n),” he says cautiously, feeling slightly guilty he never broached the subject with his mother. And god, he wasn’t ready to. Wasn’t this all too much too soon? What was he going to tell you, though? No?

“You might not think so, and I know you try to hide it by being an asshole sometimes, but you are a good man, Rafael.”

“I’m just doing my job.”

“Yeah, you say that, but I saw you up there, saw you fight for these kids... there’s a way to be a lawyer and not care about the people you represent. But you do care. And it's admirable."

"I wouldn't be able to do my job as well if I didn't care, (y/n). I'm not a saint. Don't make me out that way. This is how I make a living. I want to succeed at it."

"Oh, honey, won't you let me just give you a compliment?" you say, and you loosen your grip on his hand to rub his shoulder gently. "Nothing good ever comes from trying to deny your humanity. And there are far easier career paths you could've chosen if that's what you wanted to do. But you're not like that."

"How would you know?" Rafael says, harsher than he meant to.

"Okay," you murmur, wincing a little. "Why are you so intent on proving me wrong? You know what? Either...stop talking or leave."

"I'm sorry," he says, and he genuinely is. The last thing he wanted to do this week was kick you when you were already down - and here he is, doing exactly that. You deserve so much better.

You smile humorlessly, shaking your head. "I thought I made myself clear. Be quiet, Rafael."

Rafael nods awkwardly and takes a long sip from his scotch. And you surprise him after a few moments, by leaning against his shoulder. "I thought you were mad--"

"Shh, Rafi. Can you please just hold me?"

"Okay," he murmurs, and he presses a chaste kiss to your temple before putting his arm around your shoulders. Under normal circumstances, he never would have agreed, but he did just snap at you and the rest of the squad was stewing in their own feelings, hopefully too busy to notice what was happening between the two of you. And even if it did draw attention - it was easily explained away as nothing more than a friend leaning on a friend. He knows eventually you'll need to tell the squad, but for now, this was already too much.

But it was what you needed. So even though Rafael is beyond unsure - he's willing to oblige for now and see where this leads.

NEXT CHAPTER

Want to be tagged in future chapters? Let me know!

[malepresentingleg]

is it 2013 again? cause i have a rant about teen wolf coming and i feel 16 y/o.

so due to dome heavy procrastination I've consumed a lot of teen wolf content, i skipped a bunch of episodes and a lot of scenes in the ones i haven't but i still have some Thoughts TM

it's good??? i had a Good Time watching, it was funny but intense and dark and i felt Feelings watching, some of the plotlines were meh (or maybe i just skipped them heh) but a lot were interesting and i loved the characters and their interaction

scott. my sweetheart. my baby. such a cutiepie, such a great protagonist 10/10 i love him and would die for him. he's so pure and cute and his little smile melts my heart. i love how he's fundamentally Human no matter how non human he is. he's a great character all around and i kinda wish they didn't do that shit to him at the end (imma get there) or treated him like he ISN'T the protagonist for such big parts of the shows

people KNOW. Stiles knows from day one, allison finds out soon, his mom finds out in season 2! the sheriff in 3, and they just become part of the gang and can help them with stuff bc they UNDERSTAND. shows like that get really tiring when the teens constantly lie to everyone around them and it was very refreshing. the running gag with the coach ruining things tho was funny and I'm ok with it.

Ok this is mellisa appreciation time. she's SUCH a great, complex and unusual mom-of-hero character. i absolutely love her and her attitude, i love how she's not simply being used as a tool to cause scott pain (just.. sometimes) and their relationship is parenting goals.

also isn't it fucking hilarious how she's a nurse but she just knows everything medical. she's also a surgeon and a mortician and a doctor. ik it's for plot reasons but it funny af.

in general women on the show.. had a lot of potential, i love them, but i hate how they were treated.

allison was all around great imo, her and scott's relationship was built very well and was two sided from the start (unlike... yeah), she has emotions, she's smart and brave, but also human and scared, she kicks ass and, again, exists outside of Scott's GF status (mostly). andddd they killed her. idk if the actress had to/wanted to leave or it was a pure writers decision bc they needed to keep just her father or something, but that would have been ok if not for all the other things

we have 3 main kickass ladies with powers- lydia, kira and malia. lydia spent close to FIVE whole seasons not knowing anything about her abilities/not knowing how to control them. cmon, it gets old. scott masters his powers after a season or two (and had control a lot sooner), parrish finds out what he is like half a season after it becomes relevant etc.

malia- do i need to explain? she was CONSTANTLY struggling controlling her abilities, no matter how badass she supposedly was. and kira oh boy, they did her dirty, didn't they?

kira was such a cute adorable character. i loved her and her little crush on scott and wanting to make friends and being freaked out about relationships, i love her discovering her past and heritage and learning to fight and gaining control and becoming a badass. but. what? they just undid all this? oh no the fox is taking over she has no control no agency of her own she needs to disappear for years now bye :( again, idk if the actress needed to leave but it was so unsatisfying and was insulting to the character. she wasn't even mentioned later a bunch like allison was, just they needed her mom for a plot tool and didn't even acknowledge it was her sword they were breaking. uhm rude?

LET WOMEN HAVE POWERS AND BE AWESOME WITH THEM. and not just minor/bad characters thanks.

i love the concept of a pack on the show and how you don't have to be a werewolf to be a part of it, how scott becomes a true alpha and how he cares about his friends. i kinda feel like in later seasons him being an alpha was more talk than show which like /: meh. like i said, he stopped BEING the main character, just talked about as if he was.

i love how friendship is valued, but i think it could be more.. i mean the scene in the motel, all season 3b, scott and lydia, all the girls with each other.. i love it. too many times tho it "wasn't enough" and only romantic love worked which SUCKS. in 6a i was so happy scott went in to try and remember stiles and the memories hit me right in the heart. then when it "wasn't enough" i was SO pissed and frustrated goddammit. i guess that leads me to the next point-

ships, should i talk about ships? i don't want hate in my asks but oh well it's been a few years maybe there's no fandom to care. I'll start with the end

malia and scott. what. the. fuck. when, out of fucking no where, they had like a lingering look or something i was just "nope. no thanks". and then every scene they had together i had to cover my eyes bc it felt so wrong and bad and awkward. jesus. no build up at ALL, they're like family, i just. ew. no. it felt way too much like "oh we gotta pair off the leftovers" or "the main character can't end up single" well guess what, he fucking can. it was. god. i can't even explain the disgust. when he needed to heal and all she had to do was kiss him ugh. it felt so fake and empty of meaning. i would 100% prefer for it to be stiles (I'll get there) or his mom who snapped him out of it.

melissa and chris, i could get aboard with that. def cute, def weird af since his dead daughter was dating her son but, well.

stiles and lydia is a ship i have conflicting feelings about. i absolutely hate the concept of "the nerd" is in love with the popular girl since freshman year and he's borderline being a creep ("oh but it's stiles! he's a dork and he's harmless" no.), completely obsessed with her and she ignores him but then they end up getting together.. i mean, it sends a bad msg to obsessed boys about how it's worth it in the end, and it makes the whole relationship feel unbalanced from the start, makes her reciprocation feel unatural. BUT, i have to admit the show did kinda make me warm up to this ship by the end, curse them. it was kinda cute. i wish there was more mutualness before it became such an important part in 6a tho.

just gonna put it out there: malia/kira and lydia/allison. i wish we saw more girl on girl interactions in general but the ones we had were very good, great dynamics.

i won't get too much into it but i.. i don't ship st*rek. i understand why they're the biggest ship (two white hot boys that interact with each other, i mean.), and i see the couple of fan service-y moments the show throws at us but just. they don't have my heart, i don't really care about them. not the characters, the characters i absolutely love! (tho this watch i skipped most of season 1 and 2 and 3a and i think that's where derek is the most asshole.. didn't he do really bad things? idr) idk if you want a bad character on the way to redemption with someone you should ship liam and theo who had way better shippy chemistry imo, even tho their ship probably wouldn't be healthy given their dynamic history, huh.

the ship that does owns my heart? scilies. I'm a softy when it comes to best friends to lovers, and their bond and relationship is just. so. pure. don't get me wrong, i love me a good platonic relationship, but there was just one to many homoerotic interactions between them for me not to ship it, hard. (not to be that person but my guess is that if Scott was white it would have been a way bigger ship, but who knows?) i love their love, i love they would do anything for each other, and i feel like there were a bunch of very missed opportunities for them in later seasons :(

so representation. this feels like a show that is trying to be Woke TM but it's not going so well. the main character is supposedly latino but it's never ever addressed. idc about "oh we want a world without prejudice" you can still fucking address it. i mean they went to Mexico a couple of times, stiles keeps saying "Mexican cousin" i mean. god. give us something. did i mention scott was told he'd make a great "nazi youth" ..

and you don't need to be a genius to see the most characters are very white or at least very white passing. and when you don't address their non whiteness they might as well be..

i already mentioned how poorly i feel kira was treated, but also mason, who is a wonderful character, gets no depth? we know nothing about him other than being gay and smart pretty much.

i also spoke about the women already but, they were really really great women characters, but not enough of them, not enough that lasted.

there's not much to talk about disability bc it just wasn't on the show. the only blind character was healed which. /: same with epilepsy and asthma..

i think the show is probably very proud (ha) with their LGBTQ+ rep bc they're like "oh let's make this insignificant couple gay bc hey nbg". examples are lydia's grandma, La Bete and marcel, i think nolan and jiang were exes and then nolan and gabe were a thing? idr if it was explicit. the couple of girls in the tent.. probably a couple more. it's nice, def better than all random couples being straight but that's not satisfying as rep.

Danny was great. i think he and ethan were.. cute? i think he was awesome, i loved danny so much and was very excited to learn he KNOWS at the end of season 3 and was waiting to see him join the pack. instead he fucking disappeared?! wtf. #WhereDidDannyGo

brett was cute rep, especially being bi but i feel like it could go into the insignificant pool which, again, is better than nothing.

mason and corey i just don't have strong feelings about. they were definitely cute and I'm glad they were together, i love mason A Lot. i think this relationship could be explored more, or at least the characters could be explored more to give this relationship more depth.

very interesting how there's no wlw canon couple, not even hinted. just fan servicey hot malia kira dance which /:

not to mention transgenderness. god can you imagine the interesting plotline of transitioning while being a werewolf 0:

i think the rep i was most happy about was ethan and Jackson. even tho i don't think there was build up or clues in the first couple of seasons, I'm happy for the actor who i know was struggling with coming out publicly, and it was very fun and refreshing for the ending. even if we got very few scenes with them the dynamic was 10/10

the biggest problem is obviously stiles. i just don't understand why, if they're so supposedly progressive, they went to that length to queerbait without following through. the whole gag of wanting to be attractive to danny and to gay guys, the whole "aww danny want to have sex with me that's so nice", the whole "do you like guys too?". it's a gag. his alleged bisexuality is the butt of a joke, and it pisses me the fuck off. they don't have to make it a big deal or have him get a bf for it to be official. it wasn't subtle subtext. it was a CHOICE. to put a spotlight on his sexuality but not deliver. -100/10 would not recommend.

also they could talk about his mental health more.

and about Scott's, please and thank you.

and everyone's.

i had some more feelings, like villains changing sides without getting a proper redemption and having no consequences, the wholesomeness of the sherriff and mellisa being each other's kids second parent eichen house (wtf??), and more, but i think i wrote enough for now.

tl;dr- good show with A Lot of problems, will always have a place in my heart bc I'm a nostalgic gal.

[ceescedasticity]

Still not sure if I’m going to write the “JGY’s Hoarding Problem” fic, but some thoughts if I do:

The Cast, Stage One

Jin Guangyao, schemer extraordinaire. He’s got a lot on his plate right now, scheming for the Jin Sect’s advancement, scheming for his personal advancement within the Jin Sect, trying to get Qin Cangye to let him marry his daughter, trying to juggle his sworn brothers, wrangling weird 13-year-old Mo Xuanyu who his father dropped on him as some sort of power play, wrangling Xue Yang insofar as it is possible to do so, promoting research into demonic cultivation, and on and on and on. Jin Guangyao, as no one will ever let him forget, was not born rich; he understands that you can’t just go throwing things out when you might want them again later; and in this universe he’s let that reluctance to discard outweigh his caution.

Wen Ning, conscious fierce corpse. Keeping Wen Ning was always the plan, even when plans to control him didn’t quite work out. Because he’s a really good conscious fierce corpse. Maybe they’ll work out controlling him someday. Maybe he’ll be good as an example. They went to a fair amount of trouble faking his destruction, so no sense wasting that. (Wen Ning, for his part, is... not happy. Even when they’re not trying to control him, he is not happy. But he is not making trouble if he can avoid it, because...)

Wen Qing, really outstanding doctor. Jin Guangyao cannot understand why his father was planning to execute her -- she’s such a good doctor! Groundbreaking! Sure, she has some inconvenient morals, but she’s simple enough to leverage, just grab some family members -- Wen Ruohan kept her in line for years. Why would Jin Guangshan not try to obtain such a valuable resource? It’s probably because when he looks at a woman he stops after the boobs. Anyway, now Jin Guangyao has the opportunity, and it’s easier to fake her death than Wen Ning’s (just have to kill a heavily bruised woman in Wen robes, rather than something that passes for a fierce corpse). She can be kept in line just by threatening Wen Ning’s non-life as the stick, and for a carrot, taking the nails out of his head when they’re not actively experimenting. (Wen Qing is sick to her stomach. Although not everything she’s been required to do is bad--)

(Off stage, but alive, is Jiang Yanli. Jin Guangyao likes her more than he likes most of the Jin Sect, he didn’t want her dead -- and whisking her away to a mystery doctor who saved her life means Jiang Wanyin owes him. Big. Of course then he got spooked about how she might interfere in his plans, and had to do some things to keep her defanged and out of the way. Nothing personal.)

Wei Wuxian, Yiling Laozu. Smuggled back to Jinlintai at least half dead, and really wanted to get all the way there. Didn’t really change his mind on that until after he got conscious enough to process that (a) Wen Qing and Wen Ning were alive(ish), and might be punished if Wen Qing couldn’t save him; (b) Jiang Yanli is alive. Even after he’s trying, though, he’s in for a long convalescence -- especially without a core. When Jin Guangyao has figured out and, worse, figured out the reason for. Xue Yang has wondered -- and Jin Guangyao hasn’t shut him down -- if Wei Wuxian might recover to a useful degree faster if they were to give him a core from somewhere else (after he’s strong enough to survive the procedure). Wen Qing has been claiming it won’t work with an unwilling donor. That’s not an unreasonable supposition given that it wouldn’t have worked under sedation, but she doesn’t know it. Wei Wuxian meanwhile is claiming he couldn’t possibly recreate the Stygian Tiger Seal outside the Burial Grounds and/or without all the pieces and/or while he’s still so weak. The last one is true, the others are... not completely false?

Mo Xuanyu, weird 13-year-old. Inexplicably if usefully devoted to Jin Guangyao. Jin Guangyao doesn’t trust him to do more than some very basic reading on demonic cultivation, but when the secret prison acquired the gravely wounded Wei Wuxian it became important to have someone other than Xue Yang checking on things, refreshing supplies, and getting Jin Guangyao immediately if necessary. Mo Xuanyu also likes Wei Wuxian, and Wen Qing, and Wen Ning, and (for some reason) Xue Yang. Not enough to impact his devotion to Jin Guangyao, though.

Xue Yang, spite elemental. (This Xue Yang has never worked for Wen Ruohan -- I may keep the Yin Iron in this universe mashup, it just had no particular connection to Xue Yang.) Half feral (at least). Demonic cultivation natural talent. Delighted to have the opportunity to independently recreate the Stygian Tiger Seal, not that it stops him badgering Wei Wuxian for tips. And, at some point during this stage, takes off to “test the Seal” on Yueyang Chang! Whether Jin Guangyao okayed this unclear. I don’t see it as implausible that he would (especially since he probably didn’t count on it being traced back), but it’s also plausible that Xue Yang just goes “better to ask forgiveness than permission”. No, that’s not it. “Better to say ‘yeah, I did it, what are you gonna do about it?’ than ask permission.”

Definitely featuring in Stage Two, if I get there: Nie Mingjue. Possibly featuring in Stage Two: Jin Rusong, depending on whether I go with the theory JGY had problems with Rusong because he had/might have disabilities which would attract attention, or did he have problems with Rusong because he wasn’t a person to him but the personification of disgusting incest. (If it’s the first one, he brings the baby and demands Wen Qing “fix him!” If it’s the second one... not sure there’s anything we can do with that.) Possibly featuring in Stage Two: Xiao Xingchen and/or Song Zichen. (If they’re really lucky Xue Yang will be too distracted with the additional people to hit Baixue Temple, and they can go about their business peacefully. If they’re middling lucky Baixue Temple will happen like before, but Jin Guangyao with a hoarding problem isn’t going to “eliminate” Xue Yang, so he never shows up in Yi City. If they’re unlucky Xue Yang will decide one or both of them would make a good experimental subject and/or golden core donor and Baixue Temple ends with an abduction.)

[taiblogcomics]

Around the World in 20 Pages

Hey there, bug fables. I think I'm probably out of the long-winded lead-ins by issue 3, so let's just jump into another New 52 Teen Titans review~

Here's the cover:

For a moment I thought Tim here had skates built into his shoes--not the right place for Heelys, but close enough--but it's actually just his logo. Because that's the best place to put your logo. In contrast, Bunker shows off his greatest power: his own Hulk Hands! Truly, he is the greatest hero on this team.

We pick up immediately where we left off last time, with Kid Flash encountering Solstice. This is probably a good place to introduce the character. Kiran Singh is a girl from India with light-based powers. She was actually introduced in the last ten or so issues of the previous Teen Titans series (the Geoff Johns era, though not created by him). As you might expect from a series that went on for 100 issues (especially in DC), it got a bit dour sometimes, and Kiran was a bright spot in those issues--literally and figuratively. So of course, instead of the bright golden look she had that also reflected her Indian heritage, the New 52 reinterprets her as a black void of smoke with glowing cracks all over her. Honestly, a fitting metaphor for everything the New 52 did~

Solstice begs Kid Flash to leave her behind, but Kid Flash won't give up on someone. This leads to a confusing two-page spread where he races all over the facility to retrieve a hose to tie Solstice up so he can carry her. It's not very well done, as you can tell by the fact that they had to number it and draw a line from each sequence, since it doesn't flow naturally. Comics are supposed to be sequential storytelling, right? Not scattershot storytelling. Anyways, they escape the facility, and discover that they're being held in the Antarctic. Solstice demonstrates another of her powers is being a jinx, as she comments that Kid Flash can't have that great traction running on ice while in sneakers. So it is of course at that moment that he slips, and the pair of them tumble into an enormous ravine.

But the survival of these characters isn't important! Instead we cut to "the badlands"--any old badlands, it doesn't matter--where a kid in a sweater vest and John Lennon sunglasses jumps aboard a passing train. Once inside the car, he discovers a huge mysterious cocoon and freaks out a little bit. He freaks out even more when a grizzled old crusty guy appears behind him and puts a grizzled old crusty hand on his shoulder. Even in superhero comics, we still have train hobos. Before we can pick up on that, though, we're gonna cut away again.

So here's a one-page scene showing us that the Teleport Trio actually survived and are alive in the hospital. Cassie enters and threatens him to give up who hired him. It then cuts away yet again to show Solstice learning to fly with her powers, saving herself and Kid Flash. And then we cut back to Bunker and his hobo buddy, because this comic has fucking ADHD. I can't wait until all these people are on the same team, so we can stop cutting away to see what they're doing. Bunker and the hobo shared an apple, and the hobo points out that no one with clothes as nice as Bunker's needs to be sneaking onto a train he could buy a ticket to ride.

Things suddenly get tense, and the hobo kicks Bunker across the face. Usually you have to prod them into bum fights, but here we are. Bunker demonstrates his powers of making psionic bricks. Basically, he's a Green Lantern who can only make bricks. It's actually a pretty neat power, if you're clever and played with Lego a lot. The hobo then suddenly pulls off his face--takes his face... off--revealing he's actually Tim Drake in disguise. This actually ends the fight instantly, since Bunker has actually been following Tim's career and wants to team up. He changes into his costume and volunteers his service. And in case you were wondering, Skitter's the thing in the cocoon, conveniently writing her out of the issue~

The train stops abruptly, and Tim and Bunker take a look outside. They immediately start talking about how all the people look possessed and zombified, but the art doesn't convey this at all. They may be slightly lurching towards our heroes, arms outstreched, but they look like healthy, smiling people. Tim points out that this can't be the work of NOWHERE, because NOWHERE exclusively focuses on those age 20 and under, and these people are multi-generational. They're never going to be a successful terrorist group if they don't broaden your demographic appeal. Tim flies off to find the source of the hypnosis, while Bunker keeps them out with his bricks.

Upon landing on a big radio tower, Tim notices some of the equipment is much newer than the tower itself, and must be the problem. It's at this point he's attacked by a big scrap-pile goon. Like, imagine Clayface, but instead of clay, he's made of rusted bits of metal and wire and other mechanical bits. He calls himself Detritus and brags about how he's an AI that suddenly became intelligent, now intending to wipe out humanity. He reaches for Tim, and then the next page shows Tim landing gently back on the train. He's mumbling about how he has to remember, repeating Detritus' name... and then smiles and gives a canned explanation to Bunker about how he found something on the radio tower and disabled it, and everything is good now.

Well, with Tim either under mind control or at the very least amnesia, the issue ends on two revelations. The first is that Skitter's cocoon has opened up and dumped Skitter back out--a completely human Skitter, with no idea where she is. The second is back in Antarctica, where the cold is finally taking its toll on Kid Flash and Solstice, and they're about to pass out. As he fades into unconsciousness, Kid Flash notices that he seems to have wandered from the snows onto... a cheerful, paved street...?

While I didn’t have super serious complaints about the first two issues, I do have them here. Namely, the comic’s inability to focus. It seriously keeps jumping from character to character, with no time to settle on any one plot point. Cassie appears for only one page, wherein it’s implied she tortures somebody who’s already in the hospital. Like, we didn’t have to cut away, we could’ve just had the Bunker plot and then the Kid Flash plot. It just feels really unfocused, which makes it difficult to read. Like I said, can’t wait for them to be a team so we can focus on them collectively~

Next issue, we’ll follow up on what is undoubtedly the introduction of Danny the Street. I’m... unsure about how to feel about that. Again, we’ll get into it next issue~

[fallout4holmes]

Journal 57

Valentine woke me before dawn. “Bad news, Holmes.”

I sat up and saw the Minuteman standing behind him. She saluted briefly, “Sorry to wake you, sir, but it’s urgent.”

I thought I recognized her, “Proceed… Nash, wasn’t it?”

“Yessir,” she smiled at my recollection before somberly stating, “there’s been trouble in Sanctuary.”

She had my undivided attention, “Explain.”

“A squad of Brotherhood camped out in Concord without us knowing. They sent a soldier into Sanctuary for recon, but he was discovered by one of those robots Sturges has been working on. Fight broke out, Minutemen joined the fray, no Brotherhood survivors. Colonel Garvey thinks they didn’t have a chance to send a distress signal. According to the orders present on one of them, they were to wait for Maxson’s signal to attack.”

“He has his people in position,” I sighed, irritated. “We’re out of time."

"The hell we are," Valentine huffed. "There's still a maniac out there setting psychotic robots loose on the Commonwealth, and the Minutemen aren't gonna just stand by and let the Brotherhood walk all over them. We finish the job we started, and take what comes."

"You're right," I jumped up and started getting ready to leave, an urgent energy I hadn't felt in too long surging through me. "Find Ada and wake Cait, we'll breakfast on the road. We haven't a moment to lose."

We hurried north, reaching Goodneighbor a few hours after sundown. Cait requested we stop for a moment so that she could speak with Hancock. I agreed; I also wanted to speak with Goodneighbor's mayor, especially considering the war's imminent arrival.

We found him in his office, as expected. Unexpectedly, he was in the middle of a heated discussion with a visitor.

"Bad enough Diamond City isn’t doing anything, why don't—“

“What am I supposed to do, Piper, huh? Brotherhood come for us, let ’em, we’re ready to defend our walls, but if I lead a crew against a skyscraper full of soldiers, how do you think that’s gonna end?”

“We could use Zhao’s missiles or—“

“I ain’t convinced that submarine’s really going to be able to strike all the way out here, assuming it’s even still there. Ain’t willing to risk my people’s blood on it, that’s for sure.”

Piper groaned, frustrated, “Fine, sit here if you want, but I have to do something, there has to be some way I can help. Blue’s in Jamaica Plain last I heard, maybe I can find him.” She turned and saw us coming up the stairs. To my surprise, her gaze went straight to one of my companions rather than me. “Cait!”

Hancock rushed to the doorway to see for himself. "Well," he grinned, "Welcome back."

Cait was suddenly withdrawn, another stunning development, "Hey."

“You ok?” Piper asked.

“Fine,” Cait shrugged, “Never better, actually. Uh. Thanks, for worryin’.” She huffed and regained her usual confidence, “We can talk an' all later, but Holmes has business with ya, Hancock.”

“Why do I get the feeling this business ain’t the fun kind,” Hancock said with a swagger, “despite what the outfit suggests?”

“Maxson will give the order to attack soon," I said, "possibly in a few days, possibly in a few minutes.”

“C’mon, you ain’t gonna be in character this time? I’m disappointed, Shroud.”

I ignored him. “Did I overhear mention of a submarine?”

“There’s a Chinese sub in the bay,” Piper explained. “It’s been stuck there since the War. The Captain turned ghoul, been living there ever since.”

“We helped get him seaworthy, and for payment we get a single shot of his missiles,” Hancock said.

“You sure you two ain’t been sharin’ a bad batch of somethin’?” Cait asked.

“You know Piper won’t touch chems,” Hancock scoffed.

"I have an idea for how those missiles would be extremely useful," I said.

"Ask me like the Shroud," Hancock broadly smiled, "and we'll see what we can do."

We continued our trip north, this time in the company of Piper. Hancock didn't want to leave his town on the eve of war, and I didn't attempt to convince him otherwise. Cait and Piper continued on toward the airport while Valentine, Ada, and I went to the RobCo Sales & Service Center, where Ada reported the Mechanist’s lair was hidden.

"A robot-building villain hiding out in a run down robot shop?" Valentine commented as we stepped inside and saw a showroom for RobCo-brand terminals, most of which were long destroyed.

"I doubt this was ever simply a shop," I said.

"You mean because the Mechanist had to get the robobrains from somewhere, and they sure weren't selling those to the public?" Valentine asked as he went behind the service desk.

"We should look in the garage and see if there's any indication of a hidden entrance."

"Laser tripwire behind the 'employees only' door seems a good place to start."

I hurried over, Ada following. After disabling the tripwire, we passed through the corridor to a basement area with a blastproof door, a strange device to the side of it.

“Allow me, sirs,” Ada approached the door and activated the M-SAT device Sturges had installed from Jezebel’s plans.

The door opened, and we entered the underground facility.

What we found was the remains of a nightmare. Criminals housed in cells were later operated upon to remove their brains, which were then wiped of memories and run through a series of tests before being mounted to any number of devices. Many brains were still preserved, thus providing the Mechanist with necessary material without needing new subjects. According to the terminals, not all of the memory wipes were successful. Minds that woke, panicked in the dark, were destroyed. One transcript showed a psychopath unconcerned with his new lack of body and firm conviction that every scientist in the facility would be killed was seen as a prime candidate for a tactical team. Even before the War, there were indications of the robobrains misinterpreting orders, the flexibility of the human mind rewiring itself to fit what it thinks is the more efficient option. This place was the perfect example of the military and their scientists being so focused on whether or not they could accomplish their goal, they never stopped to wonder if they should. Then at some point this Mechanist found the facility, and picked up where they left off.

I don’t want to dwell on what we saw down there. I noticed a decontamination corridor as we entered, leading to an elevator with an access terminal requiring voice authorization. Imagining we had no choice, we fought our way past a variety of robots guarding the facility until I was fortunate enough to find holotapes recorded by the supervisor of each department. I hoped that these would be enough to trigger the vocal recognition and unlock the elevator. I was correct.

The elevator took us to a control room with computer banks all along the walls, each terminal manned by a small robobrain that rapidly typed orders to run the facility. The room was filled with the noise of terminal keys clacking, and there in the middle stood a figure in the costume of a comic book character - The Mechanist.

“Well, hell, Shroud, you were right,” Valentine muttered.

“Impossible!” The Mechanist declared as we were spotted, “I control all points of access to this room!”

“You underestimated me,” I said. “The Silver Shroud is no common criminal.”

The Mechanist was confused, “The Silver Shroud?” Confusion turned to disdain, and furthered my suspicion of the Mechanist’s mental instability, “I cannot believe someone so respected, so honorable, would come here and destroy my robots. Your reign of terror ends here, Shroud!”

I had to think quickly, “The Shroud, as always, walks the path of justice. It is you who has fallen, Mechanist.”

“Lies, Shroud! Lies! The Commonwealth has suffered more than its fair share of injustices because of you.”

“The Silver Shroud is no villain. The only guilty here are you and your relentless automatons.”

“My bots would never violate their protocol!”

Valentine had had enough. “Those bots are killing innocent people!”

“My friends were simple traders,” Ada said. “All dead at the hands of your robots.”

The Mechanist was shaken, “No. The robots are programmed to protect. Their subroutines are clean: observe, evaluate, and react accordingly.”

“They're misinterpreting orders,” I tried to explain. “Your own robobrain said as much. They're saving people by killing them.”

“Saving by... killing? I don't believe you. They can't alter their programming. They're programmed to save people, not kill them. And the data! They were always reporting hostiles killed and lives... saved.” The Mechanist paused in a moment of horrible realization. “No, it's... the logic... it's there... I can see it now. I was hoping it was the robobrains, an issue with their memory wipes... but you're right. Their primary directive was flawed.”

“Memory wipes?” Valentine asked.

The Mechanist nodded, “Yes. The human brain has a way of… rewiring itself. If not properly maintained, it can… corrupt.”

"Corrupt?! That's the understatement of the year.”

I tried to keep the Mechanist focused on the truth, “A serious flaw, and a dangerous one at that.”

“It is,” the Mechanist agreed, “but the process is thorough. They're wiped after each mission. They're... I found it's best to not let them recall what they've been through.”

Ada spoke, “The introduction of a human brain creates too many unknown variables. You can’t claim to know them all.”

“There's probably a reason these robots weren't in mass production,” Valentine muttered.

We had gotten through, but the Mechanist was still in denial. “I… I need to think. I took every precaution…”

“You know we are telling you the truth,” I said. “Your robots are dangerous. They had to be stopped.”

The Mechanist shook his head in disgrace, “... the hero unknowingly became the villain. I wanted to help the Commonwealth… and robots are all I know. I found this place and figured I could do my part. I accept full responsibility. I can’t take back what I’ve done or even atone for it… but this doesn’t have to end in violence.”

I was relieved to hear it. I gave the Shroud one final moment; “Though your action initially appeared felonious, your intent was not. Seek redemption, Mechanist. You have much to atone for.”

With a sigh of relief, the Mechanist declared, “Done. Consider it done. And you won't regret this, I promise. None of the Commonwealth will.”

“I’m glad to hear it,” I said, and removed the hat. “Permit me to introduce myself properly. I am Sherlock Holmes, of Valentine’s Detective Agency, and General of the Minutemen. This is my partner Nick Valentine, and our friend Ada.”

The Mechanist, with great trepidation, carefully removed the mask to reveal a young woman. “I’m Isabel. Isabel Cruz.”

“Can I ask why the Mechanist get-up?” Valentine gently asked.

She shifted uncomfortably. “I’m… not good with people. The Mechanist gave me a way to put myself out there without really being out there at all. I grew up on a settlement, I’ve seen how good people struggle against raiders and super mutants. I never wanted to be counted among them. But all my technical knowledge, all of these resources, and I still failed. I only ever wanted to make the Commonwealth a safer place.” She held out a holotape, “Here. Take this. It's the password to the mainframe. Use the password to shut down the security. After that, the base is yours.”

“On the contrary, Ms. Cruz, I think you should stay,” I said.

“What?”

“You want to help the Commonwealth? Work for me as a resource for the Minutemen, and you will have a chance to do just that.”

She was stunned. “The Minutemen? You… you want me to build robots for your army?”

“Units to support troops will be extremely helpful, but primarily I thought you could put your efforts to good use creating defenders for settlements.”

“There are still many rogue robots roaming the Commonwealth,” Ada pointed out. “The Minutemen will need all the help they can get, especially once this war is over.”

Ms. Cruz nervously nodded. “I’ll… I’ll try my best. Maybe I can fix some of the damage I’ve done.”

The facility's security was disabled, and Ms. Cruz gave us a proper tour of her assembly line and her capabilities. She is a nervous young woman, now guilt-ridden, but with determination and drive. I promised she would hear from my Chief Engineer soon.

Ada asked to speak with me. "While not wholly unexpected, that outcome was not the one I believed to have the highest probability."

No, it certainly wasn't. "Are you disappointed I let her live?"

She sounded concerned, "I do have conflicting outlooks, but I trust your judgment. The guilt of her actions is a punishment in itself."

"You don't quite believe that," I observed.

"I do trust your judgement, but yes, I also have doubts concerning Isabel's… potential. She could use a companion she didn't build herself."

"Are you volunteering?"

"Yes, sir. The mission was a success; the Commonwealth doesn't have to fear the Mechanist any longer. I would like to stay and make sure it never does again. She will also need help working for the Minutemen, and I will assist however I can."

"I think that's an excellent idea, Ada. For now, I wonder if we might be able to convince the newly reformed Mechanist to provide a few scrapbots for our use?"

[dailyaudiobible]

03/28/2020 DAB Transcript

Deuteronomy 9:1-10:22, Luke 8:4-21, Psalms 69:19-36, Proverbs 12:2-3

Today is the 28th day of March, welcome to the Daily Audio Bible I’m Brian and it is a joy and an honor to be here with you today as we take this…well…final step of the week. And I'm glad, I'm grateful that we can take this next step together. So, we’ve been working our way through the book of Deuteronomy which is we’ll continue to do. And we’ve been reading from the New Living Translation this week. Today Deuteronomy chapters 9 and 10.

Prayer:

Father, we thank You for another week and we thank for…we thank You every time we come to the end of another week because we’re thankful and our hearts are grateful. And even though there's plenty of things to challenge us, You’ve given us the gift of life and You've given us the ability to reveal Your kingdom in this world and participate. And, so, we are grateful, and we heed the word of the proverb today - wickedness never brings stability but the godly have deep roots. And yet, even as Jesus, as we approach this story of the soil again, we pray that by the leading of Your Holy Spirit we will be good soil for deep roots. So, come Holy Spirit, show us the path of wisdom, show us the narrow path that leads to life, we ask in the name of Jesus. Amen.

Announcements:

dailyaudiobible.com is the website, its home base, its where you find out what's going on around here. There's usually something going on around here.

Check out the Community section. That's where the Prayer Wall is and that is always underway, like that is always happening as well as the different links to different social media channels like DAB Women. If you're a woman and you're not connected this is a great time to get connected there, but the different social media channels that we are participating on. So, check that out.

And…well…since the middle of the week we've been doing something really special, releasing kind of in serial form like once a day, day by day we’re releasing a chapter a day of this book called Sneezing Jesus. Once this kind of outbreak started happening, once the world started paying attention, once it started freaking out, all the stuff that's going on, I began thinking about this book because…because it's poignant, the times that we’re in because it just shows in its conclusion how the gospel spread like a virus. And, so, we’re working real hard to not spread things but we have an alternative view that we really have an opportunity to spread light and life and the good news. And, so, Sneezing Jesus was…was my attempt to draw with words…what I say in the prologue of the book is, the Word became flesh and this is how I try to make the flesh become word, like how I try to portray this Jesus that I've fallen in love with out of the Gospels and bring the good news. And, so, that's what we’ve trying to do to offer light and good news, and encouragement free. And I called my…my book publisher, NAV Press who published this book a few years ago, asked them if we can do this and they were like really on board with it. And, so, I am so so grateful to be able to offer this to you and you can have this encouragement in your hands in your ears each day as…as we go through one chapter a day. And, so, today's chapter is called “Go Away” and it's an exploration of Jesus among the Gadarene people. And Jesus, ultimately the story that we immerse ourselves into in this chapter is Jesus throwing a legion of demons into a herd of swine and just the implications of that. And, so, that is today's chapter and it just shows up with your Daily Audio Bible every day. And, so, indeed partake, enjoy, be encouraged in this time. There’s no shortage of bad news out there. This is the good news.

If you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible, you can do that at dailyaudiobible.com. There is a link on the homepage. I am profoundly grateful, deeply deeply grateful for your partnership all of these years. If you are using the Daily Audio Bible app you can press the Give button in the upper right-hand corner or, if you prefer, the mailing address is PO Box 1996. Spring Hill Tennessee 37174.

And, as always, if you have a prayer request or encouragement, you can hit the Hotline button in the app, or you can dial 877-942-4253.

And that's it for today. I’m Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer and Praise:

Hello, my sisters and brothers in the Lord Jesus Christ this is Candace from Oregon. I would like to pray for a couple of missionaries beginning with Margo from Australia. So, please join me in this prayer. Lord thank You that Margo and her husband are in good health and not afraid of their own confrontation with the coronavirus personally, but they have some real concerns about what will happen to the whole infrastructure around them. Lord, I pray that You’d be very near to the children in their malnutrition clinic. I pray that You’d put a hedge of protection around all the people that they came so far to love on and to bring Your love. And I pray that Your love would serve as an incredible force of goodness surrounding the entire experience for every person involved. And I lift up my dear, dear Tina Barstool who is in Uganda. She had only recently gone to the mission field there, a sustainability project. Please Lord, their concern is that normal food deliveries will continue so that there won’t be any stealing and I just ask You God to cover, cover, cover, cover everyone concerning this and honor this desire that she came so far, her and others, to bring Your goodness, Your love, Your redemption. May it be only increased by what’s going on.

Hi fellow DABbers this is Rosanna from __ I’m calling to encourage all of the parents out there during this time of quarantine in our homes. I have three children and I’m single parent and they are all young children. And what I want to encourage you is that God has given us this time to powerfully influence our children for the gospel. We are gonna shoot our children out as arrows into the world and I encourage you to see this as an opportunity to poor scripture and godly influence into them. And, of course, I need prayers for patience and guidance and wisdom as I try to teach my children at home and guide them and discipline them and love them. So, I encourage everyone around the world to take this opportunity and see it as an opportunity to pour into your children. I hope you are doing well, and I pray for you and I am so grateful for this, for this ministry. Bye.

Family, I’m in desperate need of prayer for my two teenage daughters. I’ve got a 13-year-old who is deeply suicidal right now and indignantly telling me that I have no right to insist that she stay alive when she’s in this much pain. And her 16-year-old older sister has also really been struggling with depression and wild panic attacks and just really dark thinking and I don’t know exactly what’s coming against our family but it feels like warfare and I just need lots of warriors to pray for us. Thank you.

Hi, my name is Lexi and I just want to pray for my grandma especially. And that would be like a star on my prayer list and I wanna pray for my family.

Hey Daily Audio Bible friends it’s been a long time. I just recently…I just want to thank God for everything because I just recently got back into the faith. So, I am just praying asking maybe if you guys would pray with me on this journey, not necessarily for me because we’re all together and we’re altogether in this. And I just hope that wherever you are right now, you can do it and if he did it you can do it too. So, thank you so much for listening to this and you have a wonderful day.

This is Protected by His Wings calling from Virginia. I’m just calling to pray for some folks today. Dear heavenly Father I bring these people before you today, specifically Prodigal and Christina with a bumpy dog, Lee from Chicago, Pink Paint, Angel in California, SG a woman who’s struggling with mental health issues, Alex a man who helped a DABber with her car on the side of the road, a flat tire and a disabled veteran’s wife. Dear heavenly Father I bring these people before You today, You know their concerns, breakthroughs, healing, needing breakthroughs, things falling apart in their lives, they’re asking for prayer Lord whether its fighting cancer, fighting divorces, bankruptcies, depression. Lord You know their issues Lord I bring these people before You Lord and I pray for them often and ask that You reach each and every one of these people individually in a way that they know, that today they know and feel Your loving arms wrapped around them, that they know that You are there with them walking beside them if not carrying them during the this time through the…through the valley of the shadow of death. And though they know they fear no evil Lord they know that You are with them. I pray Your hand of blessing, graciousness and peace that goes beyond all understanding upon each and every one of these people today. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen. Brian thank you for this wonderful podcast and China, thank you as well. I’m a double DABber. Love you all. Bye.

[catgirlxox]

Ben 10 vs Kevin 11: Levels of Heroism

The Ultimate Kevin arc debate continues...

An argument I was presented with was that Ben’s characterization in the Ultimate Kevin arc was “out of character” in comparison to what he “usually” is like. He is apparently expected to do the right thing by doing what law enforcement wouldn't do, in most cases. 

Furthermore, the argument claimed that he should have been portrayed the way he was in “Basic Training” - meaning that he is expected to bend the rules in the interest of doing the right thing. This implies Ben should have been like this in every situation where there is an intense conflict, such as the one in the Ultimate Kevin arc.

However, I would argue that being in a controlled environment such as the Plumber Academy establishment is different from being out in the field where the circumstances are unpredictable. In “Basic Training”, Ben was portrayed the way he was because he felt like he didn't need to be there. There was no immediate threat only he was expected to handle in “Basic Training”, and he was only bending the rules in the beginning because he felt he was already good at his job and there wasn't much they could teach him. On top of that, he isn’t too fond of school anyway. 

Ben has wanted to become a Plumber like his Grandpa Max since he was 10, and this is how they treat him once he finally gets there to officially accomplish that dream job... 

At the Plumber Academy, he wasn't treated like a superhero (by most of the individuals there) and all the things he has already accomplished didn't matter. Nothing about why he saves the world or how he does it so effectively matters here. He is only a cadet, nothing more to praise. 

 He got talked down to and yelled at. 

He had little to no freedom to do things his own way and, I would assume, felt restricted. 

He couldn't even joke around while in class because Magister Hulka was so serious about the job of law enforcement. 

He was so restricted that he wasn't even allowed to use the Ultimatrix to help his squad mate. 

He was also yelled at for saving Hulka and Tak because he used the Ultimatrix. 

Tack: “You saved us! You are the greatest Plumber of all!”

Hulka: “He’s a larval dipteroid! He disobeyed orders!”

Ben: “I was supposed to let the grenade get you?!”

Hulka: “You were supposed to do what I tell you!”

I realize there is a point to not being allowed to resort to using superpowers while enrolled in these classes, but the main reason why Ben can save the world so effectively is because of the way he uses his powers. Going without them disables him so some extent, and he doesn’t typically like that. 

Hulka wants Ben to listen to authority and do what law enforcement should do and act in the way they teach him to. He is “supposed to” do what he is told if he wants to be a Plumber.

I’d just like to add that, at this point in his hero career, Ben is not one to be extremely irresponsible because of his motive to continue to do hero work. It is comparable to the reason the Plumbers do - he is following Max’s footsteps, in a sense. So, if the situation gets out of control and becomes serious, he also does. But in these circumstances, he is already very constricted. He doesn’t typically seem to like to have to change “the way he works” and the social atmosphere of the Plumber Academy seems like a bit of a let down when he’s worked so hard to get there. 

Just like the rest of his team, Ben is used to recognizing danger and jumps into action accordingly. So, it is no wonder he would disobey Hulka and get involved even when law enforcement tells him not to. 

In addition to Hulka telling Ben how to act, Kevin is also very serious about following Magister Hulka’s orders because he, too, really wants to become a Plumber. 

Gwen: “Someone tampered with that grenade. Hulka knows who it was.”

Ben: “He doesn't want our help. Let's take the night off, explore a little. We've been stuck in these barracks all week.”

Kevin: “Whole place is on lock down. Breaking curfew is against orders.”

Ben: “It's like I don't even know you any more.”  

Kevin: “Being a plumber isn't something you mess around with. If you screw this up, you and I are gonna get into it.”

All this only tells Ben that, in real circumstances, he should act the way they want him to. He should act like law enforcement, according to practically everyone, including Kevin. So, if law enforcement (such as Max) believes an offender that is out of control might have to be put down, it may seem weird to some people, but almost everyone expects him to get that serious. Max would have done it, Hulka would have done it, and even Kevin would have done it apparently. 

And I can prove that Kevin is capable of killing because he previously went on a mission to kill the guy who, he was made to believe, killed his father. 

In “Vendetta”, Kevin didn’t seem to have remorse for this guy (Ragnarok) either. And it makes sense why, but if this is his view on killing, it still supports my point about Kevin’s perspective while being a member of law enforcement, in addition to being a “hero.” 

This was Kevin’s motive:

“I’m saving the Earth and avenging my Dad.”

Even though practically everything in the episode “Vendetta” pointed to it, in reality (because of Servantis altering everyone’s memories, which was revealed later in Omniverse), it isn’t even certain that Ragnarok was the one who was to blame for Kevin’s father being dead.

Killing is never a pleasant thought. It wasn't for Ben and it wasn't for Kevin respectively. And when you end up believing that it is something that might have to be done, I would assume it would make you quite numb. This is especially true for characters like Ben and Kevin, who have both gone through a certain amount of childhood trauma and seem to have taught themselves to hide or cope with their pain privately as to not come off as weak.  

Ben: “He was a hero, Gwen. Right to the very end.” 

Both Ben and Gwen agreed that Kevin was a hero for taking this guy’s life. This is not entirely wrong. If Ragnarok was not stopped, he would take out the sun and obviously that would affect everyone on Earth. But Kevin still did this out of revenge, and he was not an “official” Plumber yet either. There was no investigation done surrounding Ragnarok to prove his guilt, and the only actual Plumber (although retired) who knew what was going on was Max. The only reason Kevin would not be convicted of murder is the fact that he did not directly administer the final blow that would kill Ragnarok. He only refused to save him after destroying the ship, so it could be considered an “accident.”

Kevin was very cold in the end, even towards Gwen. This is not surprising, considering the circumstances. But he was still able to walk out of a scene where someone was killed relatively indifferent. 

Between the entirety of Alien Force and the first season of Ultimate Alien, the amount of time that has passed in-universe was approximately a year, give or take. In that amount of time, Kevin has proved to be capable of doing good for the right reasons most of the time. But even so, he was still considered “evil” for longer than that, and he is capable of things like this. I am not trying to say Kevin is still evil, because he has definitely changed, but it is not entirely out of the question for Ben/law enforcement to be weary or cautious of Kevin going back to his old ways. 

And if it means protecting the innocent, specifically his own cousin, I would believe that Ben would prioritize that over Kevin if he became the threat. 

During the Ultimate Kevin arc, the circumstances where dangerously unpredictable. The only thing Ben was sure of was the fact that Ultimate Kevin could do a whole lot of damage if he wasn't stopped in some way. Keep in mind that Ben is a sixteen year old who is expected to act like an adult member of law enforcement, without the proper training required since this happened before “Basic Training.” Being “immature” and improvising is what almost everyone in “Basic Training” seemed to condemn. So, here, Ben was doing what he thought should have to be done, whether he liked it or not. 

This leads me to the double standards of being a character that can be described as a “hero.” And in the context of these two characters, word “hero” seems to be subjective. 

According to almost everyone in the series, Ben is the hero because of what he does and why he does it. And because he is the hero, there’s a lot of restriction on what he can and can’t do. Ben seems to be expected to be, not only a hero, but a “saint.” Doing anything “wrong” is highly looked down upon. 

Kevin is also considered a hero by this point in the series, but it is because he has evolved from his evil ways and improved himself. Although this is something that can be considered admirable, he is also excused when he does something wrong because he used to be a villain so it is considered “in character” for him, and some may even say “humorous” or “endearing.” 

Kevin can somehow simultaneously be a jerk and hero, while Ben can not. 

And, apparently, according to the fandom, Ben and Kevin are not equal.

In terms of heroism, both Ben and Kevin seem to agree on the moral and ethical aspect of the job. They can relate to some extent because they have both been in possession of a large amount of power and had the chance to use it how they saw fit. The only difference is that excessive amounts of power drive Kevin literally insane while Ben stays in a relatively sane state of mind. And perhaps, because they have both been in that position, they can understand the threat it poses when someone has both evil intent and a large amount of power. Whether they are mentally ill or not, the combination of evil intent and excessive amounts of power at hand can and will do damage. 

That is why Kevin seems to agree that, if law enforcement has the authority and power to do so, killing a powerful offender is a necessary evil in some cases.

Kevin: “If I were you, I wouldn’t have been such a wuss. If you ever lost it like I did, I would have taken you down right away.”

Ben’s entire team was ready to fight him as well when they perceived him as that threat.

So if law enforcement’s job is to eradicate evil to the best of their ability, what makes Ben’s intent in “The Ultimate Enemy” wrong? Is there anything wrong with the idea of a world where no one has to suffer?

Wouldn't it it be heroic to end suffering, pain, war...all things that are “evil”?

Wouldn’t more people die in a world where these evils still exist? 

This is true, but if Ben is going to be a part of the Plumbers, he can not be the judge of whether people get to have free will. 

“Plumbers are law enforcement, not judges.” - Magister Hulka, “Basic Training”

His job is to be there when others need him and fight any evil that exists. He can not always “bend the rules” or “improvise” when handling a situation. Especially when it is a very intense, real conflict, rather than a situation in which there is a controlled environment full of other Plumbers and Magisters. 

The only thing I hear being argued to justify these double standards is the idea that Kevin is supposed to be a ”foil” to Ben. Meaning, one contrasts the other which then highlights certain qualities in the either character. And while I can understand that this is indeed true to some extent, does that give one of them more freedom and leniency than the other in terms of their actions? 

If Kevin’s actions in “Vendetta” can be justified and excused, and then he can also go on to state (while in a sane state of mind) that he wouldn't hesitate to do it again, why is Ben so attacked for only considering to do the same thing?

So if a “hero” has such strict limitations as to how far he is allowed to go to avenge innocent lives, should it matter what that hero’s past was like when they are both trying to achieve the same end goal? Or does that make one more heroic than the other?

Besides, both Ben and Kevin are only considered “heroes” in their own respect because they actively try to earn the same title. 

Just like in the Plumber Academy, every cadet is treated the same way. 

In which case, they should be seen as equal if they are both “heroes.” 

[ficdirectory]

Somewhere Inside (Disuphere series #4) Chapter 8

(To listen, click here - 13:03) 

It’s hard, because, no matter how much Jesus hates telling half-truths?  He finds himself doing it anyway.  He can’t exactly tell Pearl his honest thoughts about Levi.  Not when she’s struggling the way she is, and not when Francesca could have stuck her head out of the swing at any time and decided she wanted to make hot chocolate right then.

Which did happen, for the record.

So, it’s not like Jesus could’ve just said:  “Hey, I’m hella jealous right now.”  “I’m jealous that this kid could show up out of nowhere and you weren’t suspicious of him like you were of me.  You don’t just tolerate him like you tolerated me.”

It’s apparently a thing, too, because Dominique had been super skittish around Jesus, and she is not at all around Levi which is seriously bugging Jesus.  Yeah, Levi’s slighter than Jesus, a bit shorter.  But it just...kinda sucks watching his friends embrace this kid so easily when it had taken them forever to warm up to Jesus.

It makes him wonder what feelings everybody else might be holding back from each other.

For dinner, they heat up a frozen lasagna and they all eat together.  It’s good, and no one has to cook it.  It reminds Jesus he still has to pay Pearl back.

“Mmm,” he says, reaching into his pocket for his wallet, and taking several $20s out.  He offers them to Pearl.

--

Dominique’s fine one minute and the next, without warning, there’s money changing hands at a table in front of her.  Her pulse picks up in her throat, but her face stays calm.  Practiced.  

She wonders what she can do, as she loses seconds of valuable time contemplating.

“Mmm, you actually wanna give that to Levi,” Pearl insists.  “He did the grocery shopping.”

Dominique’s heart drops as she sees Jesus offer the money to Levi.  She holds her breath.

“Oh.  No.  I was happy to do it.  Keep your money,” Levi says, calm.

Jesus isn’t taking no for an answer.  Dominique is used to this.  Expects this.

(Things seem okay but she keeps watching Jesus, in case he’s covering how pissed he really is.  But Levi doesn’t even look her way.)

This is seriously confusing.  She needs someone to explain what’s happening right now, but she can’t speak.  So instead, she waits.  It’s agony counting the seconds to see what will happen next, but it’s literally all she can do.

--

Mariana’s spent most of the day just trying to recover all the sleep she lost coming here.  She somehow still feels exhausted, but at least she can function.  The chaos of dinner means that she’s coping by honing in on just one thing at a time.  And right now?  It’s how hard Dominique’s grabbing Mariana’s hand under the table.

Glancing at her, Mariana can see she looks perfectly at ease.  But she can also see the pulse in Dominique’s neck.  It’s beating fast.  That and the way Dominique is gripping Mariana’s hand mean that something is wrong here.  

With her free hand, Mariana opens a new memo on her phone and types a row of question marks.  No cell service here.  That had definitely not been one of the perks.  But Mariana’s nothing if not creative, and since her accident, Mariana’s ingenuity has only gotten better.

Mariana tips her phone so Dominique can see it, and she glances at it.  Types back dollar signs on her own memo screen and shows Mari, all low-key so no one notices.

Mariana doesn’t know a ton about what happened to Dominique before they became friends.  Knows she had something similar happen that happened to Jesus.  But Mariana also knows it wasn’t too similar either.  She’s never heard of a money trigger.  Still, Mariana does her best to do what they all try to do for each other when triggered.

As escape isn’t an option - Dominique seems frozen - and Mariana doesn’t trust her own balance and stamina to try and get her anywhere.  (Plus, consent.  Dominique doesn’t seem like she can speak, much less clearly approve of contact.)  So, Mariana’s gonna have to do her best to get the boys to put the money away ASAP, while not drawing attention to Dominique.

She’s keeping cool.  Nobody would guess she was having this much trouble.  You have to really know her, to be able to see the flash of desperation in her eyes.  It’s so subtle that it’s easy to miss, especially with how good she is at pretending.

Mariana takes a breath - wills the words she needs to actually be here when she needs them.  “Money’s kinda dirty, you know?” she offers, wrinkling her nose.

Jesus and Levi turn to her.

“Seriously, think of how many people touched it.”

“She’s right,” Pearl nods.  “Levi, put it away.”  After he does, Pearl actually offers him hand sanitizer.  And Levi actually uses it.

“Okay?” Mariana asks, keeping her voice low.

Ever so slightly, Dominique nods her head yes.

Mariana’s not sure if she should take Dominique’s word for it or keep checking.  It doesn’t escape her that Dominique still has a death grip on Mariana’s hand.  It’s the one with nerve damage, so she’s got major pins and needles happening.  She uses her own right hand to peel Dominique’s own free of Mariana’s left.  Then holds Dominique’s hand in her right.

“Sorry,” she apologizes.

“You’re fine,” Dominique reassures.

Mariana’s not exactly sure what to make of this trip so far.  She’s hardly been able to stay awake for any of it.  But it seems like it’s not going as well as they dreamed it might.  There’s tension in basically every dynamic here (and yet it’s still so much better than home with Moms.)

Before Dominique can get up and start cleaning after dinner, Mariana uses the fact that they’re still hanging onto each other to take her aside.

They step outside.  To the front porch.

Dominique pulls her hand away abruptly.  Mariana doesn’t miss how Dominique’s breathing is shaky.  How her hands are trembling like Pearl’s do sometimes.

Mariana doesn’t say anything.  It’s not for any deep reason.  It’s that there literally are no words anywhere for Mariana to even say right now.  Not to mention the fact that sometimes?  Trying to tell somebody it’s okay or take it easy might backfire, especially if all they need is for somebody to be there.

So, Mariana is.

After a while, Dominique meets Mariana’s eyes and nods.  They go back in together.

--

Levi’s about to make a quick escape when Jesus speaks up after everything’s cleaned up:  

“Can everybody stick around?”

“Ooh!  Is it for Family Game?” Francesca asks.

Levi watches, fascinated, as Dudley moves closer to Jesus, like he’s shielding him.  Cleo’s too small to really do the same thing for Pearl, but she tries sometimes.  It’s awesome seeing another service dog do it.  Levi’s so intrigued by what Dudley’s doing that he doesn’t have time to wonder why a mention of a family game is stressful for Jesus.

“No, I thought we could all catch up.  Like, for real.  Check in with each other?  Kinda like we do in Avoidance.”

Levi’s happy he gets this reference, but his happiness fades as Francesca casts doubtful looks at him and Pearl.

“But they don’t have disabilities, or trauma or anything,” she stage-whispers, indignant.  “I thought Avoidance was just for us.”

“We don’t know that,” Jesus answers, matter of fact, not outing Pearl’s stuff, which Levi has a strong hunch Jesus does know.  “Let’s stop with the ‘us’ and ‘them’, though, okay, buddy?  It’s ‘we’ here.”

“Fine,” Francesca sighs.

Levi’s relieved, but only a little.  He keeps noticing how Dominique’s all the way on the other side of the room from him.  How she won’t look at him.  Levi wonders what he did wrong now?

Even though it seems like Francesca and Dominique are having second thoughts about being friends, Pearl looks like she thinks checking in is a great idea.  Plus Levi’s got work the rest of the week, except this weekend.  So he should really hang out with these guys while he can.

--

Pearl has never heard of this avoidance thing, but she is very good at avoiding things, so it sounds like something she will excel at.  She takes a seat beside Levi and listens as Jesus mentions that there are some ground rules.

“Can I say them?” Francesca asks, waving her hand around in the air like it’s school.

“Sure.”

“No teasing each other, and go one at a time,” she pauses for a breath.  “And slow down.  That one’s hard.”

“You’re doing a good job,” Mariana nods.

“Thanks,” Francesca ducks her head.

“So, what is this exactly?” Pearl asks.  “Are we avoiding things?  People?  Topics?”

“Ignorant assholes,” Levi supplies, sending a knowing glance Dominique’s way.

Francesca claps a hand over her own mouth.  “Unnecessary,” she breathes.  “We avoid mean people,” she says, trying to stifle a smile.

“Right.  My bad.” Levi apologizes.

“But what is this?  What’s the purpose?” Pearl wonders, petting Cleo as she sits, curled in her lap.

“Think of it as...emotional laundry sorting…” Dominique offers, quiet.  “It’s vulnerable.  Personal.  But done with friends?  There’s eventually less laundry, and it’s manageable.”

“Huh…” Pearl muses, intrigued.  “I’ve never heard it put like that.”  (She’s starting to see why everyone else seems so taken with Dominique.  Her Hermione costume is an obvious additional point in her favor.)

“So, who has laundry?” Francesca asks.

“I do, I guess?” Jesus offers.  “I’ve been kinda feeling jealous.  Because some people are easier to be around than me.”

Pearl raises her eyebrows.  Definitely not her, then.

“Jesus, even if we like other people, we still like you, too,” Francesca offers so sweetly it makes tears come to Pearl’s eyes.  It reminds her of the first time she saw them together.  Him scooping her up so she didn’t slip on the ice as a tiny four-year-old.

“For sure,” Mariana agrees.  “Everybody’s different, but that’s what makes us...good?”

“Yeah, but it’s not good if you’re just left feeling like the one that freaks people out…”

“Are you talking about when we trigger each other accidentally?” Dominique asks.

Pearl’s forgotten about how gloriously clearly Jesus in particular communicates.  Seems like it’s brushed off on his friends and family, too.  Or maybe, Dominique’s always been just this way.  Maybe it’s what caused them to be friends in the first place.

Jesus shrugs.

“Hey.  Don’t do that,” Mariana reprimands lightly.  “It matters.  How you feel matters.  What you think.  Okay?  Is Dominique right?”

“Yes…” Jesus admits.

“Okay, so we all trigger each other.  Without meaning to.” Dominique stresses.

Pearl puts her hand up slightly, waving her fingers a little.  “I can relate, though.”  She offers.  “Sometimes people’s niceness...their goodness...it feels personal.  Like it magnifies your own faults.”

“You can just say it,” Levi mutters softly.  “It’s me.”

“Okay.  It is, yes.” Pearl nods.

“Hold on.  Let’s give Levi a turn to sort some feelings,” Dominique interjects calmly.  

Pearl breathes and tries not to be offended that she was cut off in what she was saying.

“Levi?  You got any?” Dominique wonders.  

“No,” he says.  “I don’t.”

--

Francesca raises her hand.  

Dominique nods at her.

“So...I don’t understand.  Pearl doesn’t like Levi because he’s nice?” she asks.

“It’s complicated,” Pearl allows.

“But I’m asking,” Francesca points out.  “Is that what you mean?  Like being around him makes you feel extra mean or something?”

“Sort of…” Pearl admits.

“But Levi can’t help it if he’s nice.  Maybe he’s just born that way.  And maybe he’s not doing it on purpose to make you feel extra mean.  Maybe blaming that on him makes him feel bad,” Francesca says.

She knows all about being blamed for things she can’t help.  Because CP gives her a lot of those things.  And Dominique says they aren’t her fault.  That her CP is a valid reason.  Just like Levi being born nice is a valid reason, too, probably.

“Thanks, Francesca,” Levi nods.

“P.S. Everybody has feelings,” she says, remembering Levi said he didn’t have any.  “So, do you have like...sock feelings or what?”

Levi laughs.  “What’s a sock feeling?”

Francesca shrugs.  “Like a stinky feeling?”

“Kinda, yeah.  I have sock feelings….” Levi nods.

Francesca feels good.  Like maybe she helped a little, even though she’s only eleven.  “It’s okay to have sock feelings, right?” she checks with everybody at the table.  “And it’s okay to feel extra mean or jealous as long as we don’t hurt other people.”

“That’s a good point,” Dominique nods.

“How do we not?  Hurt people?” Pearl wonders.  “Because some of us,” (Francesca wonders if she is the only one noticing that Pearl is pointing to herself when she says some of us…) “haven’t done feelings laundry in a long time.  And so the feelings are kind of out of control right now…”

“I think...we maybe help you put them where they go.  You trust us.  And we help you.” Mariana offers.

“Like it’s that easy…” Pearl scoffs, wiping her eyes.

“And also apologize for hurting.  Like, I’m sorry for saying you guys couldn’t be in Avoidance with us.  And for being mean to Levi earlier.” Francesca says.

“Fair.  Levi, I’m sorry I made you feel bad.  For...contributing to your sock feelings.” Pearl says, like she really means it.

Levi just nods his head yes.  He doesn’t really look Pearl in the eye.

[sophygurl]

Okay I am done with the panel write-up posts and I apologize to all my followers who don’t give a fuck about that kinda thing but WisCon is a big part of my life so I get to totally indulge in it once a year so there. [For anyone wondering this amazing con I keep going on about is a feminist Sci-fi/fantasy con right in my home town and I’ve been going for close to ten years now and it’s like HOME to me]

Gonna post some about the panels I was on, my general con experience this year, and some other stuff under this next read more thingum here. It’ll be more of a personal post than the others. Anything else I write now will be more about fandom-ey stuff that I got up in my feels about and need to hash out. 

BTW though. Hi new followers!! If you’re coming to me due to WisCon specifically or due to my write-up of THAT panel, feel free to introduce yourselves. I use tumblr the most frequently with twitter and FB being a sort of tie for second and DW much more rarely just as an FYI. I’m sophygurl everywhere but FB which is my real name. I’m easily findable and love talking to people! 

So my panels this year were all very different in tone and experience, but all went pretty well? I had fun anyway? I had 4 panels about TV in some way or another and one about Star Wars. Some hinged on serious-ish topics, but I wasn’t on any Serious Business panels this year. 

I wrote up a crap-ton of panel ideas and a lot of them got through. So many that panels I wrote up and wanted to go to were often up against one another and I had to make lots of choices. But it feels really good to me to be involved in that way - in writing up panels, and in being on them, and in going to them and taking notes and writing them up after. There is a lot that I CAN’T do for the con due to my disability stuff. But this is stuff I both can do and enjoy doing so it works out well. I also volunteered to a few people to write up panel descriptions from ideas they have but don’t have fleshed out, so that’s an exciting new thing for me to try out.  So but yea, all five of the panels I was on were panels I also wrote up. 

My first panel was about Women Loving Women on TV. It was me, another panelist, and the moderator. I was a little worried about this panel because the moderator said she was put on the panel by mistake and doesn’t even have a TV (she did fine as a mod - not all mods have to also partake in the talking, they can just ask questions of the panelists), and the other panelist never contacted either of us or showed up for the panel.

Fortunately, I am a well-prepared panelist and felt comfortable talking about this subject for the whole 75 minutes. But then the panel was scheduled against a panel on a similar topic and so anyway - three people showed up for the panel. Fortunately they were kinda fun and engaged people so it became more of a conversational panel than a formal presentation kind and I think it went well? This was my only panel this weekend that I wasn’t the moderator of. 

My next panel was about intersectionality on TV. I was also a lil worried about this one because it was just me and one other panelist, although we had some good chats online before the con so I wasn’t too worried. Fortunately, she convinced a friend to come sit on the panel with us so there was three of us - and both of my panelists had lots of awesome things to contribute. We also had a decent size panel for an evening time slot and got the audience involved too. I pulled one of my goofball tricks and made the audience do a lightning round question of a show they think does intersectionality well and everyone was able to come up with something, which was fun.

Right after that was my panel about SFF sitcoms which was a blast. This was even later in the evening, so we were all really punchy! It was me, a good friend, and another panelist I knew casually before. We wanted lots of audience participation and we got it - getting so many more recommendations than any of the 3 of us had even considered. And since it was a panel about comedies, we really just kinda relaxed and had fun with it.

That was all Friday. Big Day for me.

Saturday night, again a late night slot, I had my Bisexual Representation in TV and Film panel. This one I was not too worried about because I was asked to hand-staff it, since I had strongly suggested the panel be filled with Bi+ folks. So most of the panel was people I already knew and had paneled with before but also I snagged a couple of people I hadn’t previously talked to but who were also awesome.

The panel was in a large room and was fairly full, which I thought was really neat. I had a lot of my own notes on the subject, and did go off on a huge bit about the amazingness of Sara Ramirez and her two bisexual characters, but I also knew from previous convos that my fellow panelists had a lot of interesting things to say and they did not disappoint. It seemed like the audience had a lot of fun and the # for the program was pretty lively, so that’s always a good feeling.

Sunday afternoon was the panel I was MOST excited about. It was all about the themes of The Last Jedi. Like how cool is that? A whole panel not just about the movie in general, but specifically about the THEMES of the movie?! I was pumped that this panel even got through, much less that I got to be on it, much less that I got to moderate it.

And let me tell you something. My panelists? Were amazeballs. Like, the email convos we had ahead of time were already so smart and so nuanced and so full of different ideas and perspectives I was like !!!

And the panel went SO WELL. Like, there was such an equal exchange of like flow and information going back and forth. I feel like I really organized my own thoughts and questions for my panelists well and we all spent the whole panel making grabby hands for the mic because we were all so excited to respond to one another’s thoughts. 

It was FUN and THINKY and I could tell the audience was really engaged and we all laughed and discussed and disagreed and laughed more and it was probably the best time I have ever had on a panel. The #TLJThemes on twitter is just chock-full of both quotes from my awesome panelists and thinky-thoughts from the very smart audience who I sadly did NOT end up having time to get questions or comments from because literally the moment we finally had a pause of any kind? It was right on the dot time for the panel to end LOL. 

So yea, wow, that was just exhilarating? IDK, I am such a nerd.

But yea, so I had everything from 3 audience members to packed rooms and no fellow panelists to crowded tables of excited panelists struggling to get a word in and everything in between and I feel sort of confident that I did well with all of it? So that’s neat. 

Last year I didn’t moderate any of my panels and I found I really missed it, which is why I volunteered to do more moderating this year and it was a Good Life Choice and I plan to do more of it in the future. I adore WisCon for being the kind of place that a basic nobody like myself who has done nothing with her life besides watch a crapton of television can sit on panels and moderate panels and contribute to panels and do things like this that I enjoy and feel like am good at and it’s just such a good. *cuddles the general idea of WisCon*

And beyond the panels - both that I attended and sat on - I had a really wonderful con this year. I was very social and decided to get over my awkwardness and just kinda Utilize my awkwardness because, like, we’re all geeks here so just stop worrying and be a dork and have fun and it worked? I talked to so many people, introduced myself to so many people, made so many connections, hung out more specifically with some of my favorite people, and just sort of made sure to hang out in public spaces and smile a lot and that helped? Who knew. 

There were really only just the three bumps in my otherwise good experience.

1. The panel. If you didn’t already see about this, I attended a panel that very unfortunately derailed into Nazi apologism and it was super gross and upsetting but lots of people spoke up against the panelist in question and the con acted quickly to ban her and are continuing to discuss if she can ever come back so at least that part is good but UGH UGH UGH that was so gross.

2. My laptop broke on me. Fortunately, I have amazing friends and the one I was rooming with doesn’t use hers a ton so she let me use it a lot so I didn’t have to be off-twitter much because a lot of the con happens in the twitter tags and I would have been very sad to miss out on that. I got home and my other amazing friend and roomie helped me get my laptop into the shop quickly and it’s back now which is a huge relief because as a mostly homebound and frankly mostly sofabound extrovert? I need my laptop. I NEED my Laptop. 

3. Life with chronic illness sadly does not stop when you are at an event you love. Even when you save up all your spoons, and spend weeks building up your stamina after a winter of mostly hibernating, and use all of your meds, and allow yourself more caffeine and different foods than usual, and work really hard on self-care. Still, you are chronically ill. 

I am able to push myself a LOT at WisCon because of how it fuels me socially and intellectually and creatively and in so many other ways. But that still only goes so far. And especially with having two late nights on panels - I did not make it to any parties or other late night social events this year. Nor did I make any early morning panels - and there were some I really Really wanted to go to. 

But that’s life and I still got to cram SO MUCH in and spent lots of time in the hot tub soaking and also having poolcon with some amazing folks and had lobbycon and actually made time to have meal/snack times with people instead of just the usual “we should totally make sure to ...”

There were a lot of people I only saw briefly or missed entirely that I’d have loved to have had more time with, but I guess when we finally invent the time turners I can have all that plus go to ALL the panels. 

Oh! And I did go to an amazing reading this year. I often skip readings but I knew a bunch of the people at this one and adore them so I went and it made me feel and think a lot of things and adore these people even more, so there’s that. 

And PHEW I think that’s it. I have tons of thoughts about like, found family and female friendships and stuff mostly about my own amazing platonic poly tribe - some of whom come along to WisCon with me and we get to like BE together in shared living space and then go off and have our own adventures and bond with other people and then introduce one another to those people and it just enhances the whole thing and YAY MY PEOPLE. And uh, yea, one of said peoples who sadly no longer lives in the area just came back over to my place from our other friend’s house and is only going to be here for another day and a half so I’m gonna go run off and spend time with her while I can. 

[podcastdx]

Fibromyalgia & POTs

Jason is an engineering graduate who reinvented himself as a podcaster and chronic illness/disability advocate after developing fibromyalgia and postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (POTS). He is the host of Discomfort Zone, a podcast featuring immersive stories on chronic illness and disability that showcase our vulnerability, wellness, and resilience. He and his guests find comfort by turning towards discomfort, welcoming it, and laughing at it. 

Jason is the youngest of three kids and the proud uncle of his nephew and niece. He was born and raised in Toronto, Canada where he currently lives with his Mom and Dad. On occasion, he helps with the dishes and does his own laundry. In his spare time, he can be found throwing grapes in the air, trying to catch them in his mouth, dropping them, dusting them off, and trying again.

    s8e9 Fibromyalgia and POTs TRANSCRIPT

Lita T  00:08  Hello, and welcome to another episode of podcast dx, the show that brings you interviews with people just like you whose lives were forever changed by a medical diagnosis. I'm Lita, Ron is not with us today.

Jean  00:20  And I'm Jean Marie.

Lita T  00:21  Collectively, we're the hosts of podcast dx. And today's show, we're talking about Fibromyalgia, POTs and chronic fatigue syndrome with Jason Herterich. I hope I'm getting that right. He'll correct me in a minute (laughter) Jason is the host of a podcast called "The Discomfort Zone", and co host of the podcast, "Invisible, Not Broken". He's joining us today from one of our favorite cities, Toronto. Hello, Jason. Thanks for joining us today.

Jason  00:35  You are Yeah, thank you so much for having me. I've been looking forward to this.

Jean  00:56  Thanks. Yeah, actually, I just saw Margaret Atwood was posted. She was cleaning up trash outside of her, you know, on along the street in Toronto. And it looked a little bit chilly.

Lita T  01:08  Yeah, it's it's chilly here too.

Jason  01:11  It sure is.

Jean  01:12  Well, Jason, before we get into your diagnosis, and that, I'm just curious what led you to hosting your own podcast.

Jason  01:20  So it was really organic, how it happened, I had fallen really ill in 2016 and 2017. And one of my friends just suggested that I should get into listening to podcasts, I had become very, very ill. And I spent about 22 hours a day in bed. And I couldn't even handle looking at a TV screen,

Jean  01:42   Mhhmm

Jason  01:42   because I had such severe headaches. And so naturally, podcasts you don't have to look at, you can shut your eyes, you can just listen to them, you can tune out for a little bit. And I got really, really into storytelling podcasts especially. And they they were really wonderful in the way that they help expand. Essentially, they allow you to empathize with people at a much deeper level. And I really loved that aspect of it. But I realized that there weren't, there was a very low representation of people who are chronically ill, and disabled in storytelling podcasts. So I just sought to create my own. So I got into so I started in 2017, after I started to recover, and I started producing stories about my own chronic illness experience. And I tried to make them just very immersive stories using sound design  music and sound effects and everything to really try and engage as many people as possible. And so I've been doing that ever since.

Jean  02:46  That's fantastic

Lita T  02:47  Yeah, sounds great.

Jean  02:48  And what are some of your favorite podcasts at the moment?

Jason  02:51  Oh, yeah, I got a whole ton of I got a whole ton right here. Um, yeah, one of my favorite recently has been "Your Hustle". It is Have you guys heard of that before?

Jean  03:01  I, I. ehh... it sounds familiar.

Jason  03:04  Yeah, so it's a podcast that is produced within the walls of San Quentin penitentiary in California. And I don't know about you. But before whenever I think of inmates, they're often depicted as scary criminals who are devoid of any remorse. But really, when you get to hear their stories, you just get to understand them at a deeper level to empathize with them. And it really leaves you with this feeling that anyone is capable of rehabilitation. So that is one of them. Another one that have been hooked on lately "Unlocking Bryson's Brain". And it is a story of a Canadian man who takes listeners inside his family search for a diagnosis, treatment and cure to his son's rare brain disease. So yeah, it's it's really fascinating as like, this really incredible mix of storytelling, medical mystery, disability rights, and gene editing science. And then And then lastly, "How To Be A Girl" is a documentary of a mother raising her transgender daughter. So yeah, just just to keep this brief. At the age of three, her child told her that there was a mistake in her tummy that and that she should have come out as a girl.

Lita T  04:23  Oh wow!

Jason  04:24  So it just yeah, it navigates there. As the girl gets older, she starts going through school playdates. And when the mom has romantic relationships, so they just have very raw conversations. And I think the daughter is is my favorite part of it. It just really goes to show how incredibly wise children can be.

Lita T  04:49  That's amazing.

Jean  04:50  Yeah, those will be adding those three to our list.

Lita T  04:52  Oh, for sure.

Jean  04:54  Yeah.

Lita T  04:54  I love that.

Jason  04:55  Yeah I couldn't, I couldn't recommend them. highly enough.

Lita T  04:58  Love it. Jason, how do you balance living with a chronic illness? Actually several chronic illnesses and hosting your own podcast?

Jason  05:09  Yeah, it's it's an ongoing struggle. What has been most helpful for me is I try to make active decisions throughout the day. So I will leave alarms on my phone to just remind me to pause, whatever I'm doing consciously think about what I will do next and check in with my body see, like, do I need to take a break? Should I go out for a walk? Am I having trouble concentrating? Because usually, that's a sign that my symptoms are starting to kick in? Or, you know, do I have any obligations later in the day that I need to reserve spoons for? So really, it's an ongoing process? I try to get a little bit better at it over time. But yeah, I'm not perfect. (laughter)

Lita T  05:58  Yeah, I can....  I can understand that,

Jason  05:58  it's something that... I continue to struggle with.

Lita T  06:00   yeah, I do the same thing with I use my phone a lot. I have early onset Alzheimer's. And I use my phone constantly to, to remind me to do things. And just to keep me in check and make sure that the day is going smoothly. And I don't end up with anything surprising that really kind of goes be into a tailspin, basically.

Jason  06:25  Yeah, yeah. If you use too much early in the day, it can throw you off,

Lita T  06:29  right.

Jean  06:30   And we also use tech, we have watches that have a light diode that takes your pulse ox and pulse rate on a regular basis. And actually, it vibrates when you're starting when your stress levels are increasing. Or when you've been sedentary too long to kind of give you just that reminder, either to take a deep breath or go take a walk.

Lita T  06:50  You Right, right.

Jason  06:52  Wow, that's, that's actually incredible. I'm gonna have to get the name of that afterwards from you

Lita T  06:56   It's one of the Garmin, I know it's a Garmin, but there are several Garmin, we got it. Yeah, we'll put a link on that for our website,

Jean  07:04  or send you a message. Yep.

Lita T  07:05  Yep. So Jason, I understand that you've been diagnosed with several different really complicated and difficult diagnosis. Fibromyalgia in itself is rough. myalgic encephalitis horrible. And POT's, could you tell us what symptoms lead you to seeking out medical care?

Jason  07:27  Yeah, so this all started out just over nine years ago, it's wild to think it was so long ago, but I was a fourth year student at University studying engineering. And I was very, very active. At the time, I was a triathlete. And, you know, I was about to graduate and had my whole life ahead of me. And then one day during an intramural game of basketball, I caught a rebound, I twisted and pass the ball up court. And in that moment, I strained a muscle in my abdomen called, what is the name of it, intercostal, sorry, brain fog here. I strained my intercostal muscles, and they are muscles that are used for breathing. And so unlike if you break your arm, you can put it in a sling, and you let it recover, and it naturally gets better by itself. But with these muscles, it is really, really painful. And it is it's made even more complicated by the fact that you can't rest and recover from it,

Lita T  08:30  Cause you need to breathe. Right

Jason  08:32  Yeah, it's not easy to treat at all. And so essentially, I had to take a week off of school spent the entire time in bed. And when I went back to school, I was so far behind that, essentially what happened is I my stress levels were so high from having to work so hard. And my pain levels were already really high from the injury. And when you get pain and stress, the two just build on one another, you're more stressed out because you're in pain and you're in more pain, because you're stressed out. So it creates this positive feedback loop. And so over time, my brain just became sensitized to pain. And I as a result as well, I'm not getting any restorative sleep, so I'm just tired all the time. And so it was something I sought medical care for quite a while ago, but it wasn't until so. So the injury happened in 2011. I didn't receive a diagnosis until like 2014. And so yeah, there at that point, they were really really debilitating symptoms.

Jean  09:40  I'm sorry to hear that.

Lita T  09:40  And was that basically the Fibromyalgia that kicked in at that point?

Jason  09:45  Yeah, it was fibromyalgia and myalgic encephalomyelitis as well. I don't think at that point. My POTs symptoms had begun showing themselves my POTs symptoms. I started to I believe, later on in 2015 is when I started I get dizzy and all that. And yeah, it's it's one of those things where I know a lot of these chronic conditions are interconnected. So you catch one, you're more likely to catch another, and, and so on.

Jean  10:13  And so I think because of all the overlapping symptoms, it's hard to get a differential diagnosis. And establish that.

Jason  10:21  Yeah, yeah. Makes it a lot harder

Jean  10:24  and, and you said it took a while to get that diagnosis. What were some of the tests associated with that? And I hear you have a tilt table story for us?

Jason  10:33  I do. Yeah. So I was just very dizzy all the time. And I would find that my heart raced whenever I stood up. And so one day when I was in my neurologists office, he did a quick check. So for your listeners, POTs is characterized by a heart rate increase of 30 beats per minute when you go from lying to standing up. So this was something that my neurologist did a quick check in his office, and I tested positive and this in that test in 2015. And so he referred me for a more comprehensive test called the tilt table test, where essentially, they tap they strap you to a table. And it's, it's slowly adjust from horizontal to vertical. And at that point, my symptoms were very severe when I got in, it was 2016. And just simply lying on the table put me in debilitating pain, even before the test began. I believe my heart rate was around 100 beats per minute, before it even started when Usually, it's around 60. And so they that we started the test, but it's supposed to be a 45 minute test. But 15 minutes in, I was just in such debilitating pain just from being uncomfortable on the board that they actually had to stop the entire test. And I just thought that it was going to be an inconclusive results.

Lita T  12:01  Mhhmm

Jason  12:01   But they ended up sending a report back to my doctor saying that I tested negative for it.

Lita T  12:09  Oh?

Jason  12:09  Which, to me is

Jean  12:10  Not quite the same thing.

Lita T  12:12   Yeah. Yeah.

Jason  12:13  It didn't seem right. And I pleaded with the doctor, you know, I said, I explained to him how they had to stop the test early and how my symptoms had gone haywire before they even started the test. But my neurologist, kind of just discounted what I had said, and he accepted the results. And he completely ignored me. And I think I yeah, I believe anyways, it was only a few months ago, or earlier this year, when I just simply redid that very first test when you just simply go from lying to standing up. And I had the heart rate increase. And a new doctor that I've been seeing a cardiac specialist told me that I do in fact have POTs. So I guess the moral of that entire story was that I I guess, I guess the issue was like the rigidity of the medical system and not stressing the importance of the patient voice there, it was very clear to me that there was systematic error within the test that made the results completely meaningless.

Jean  13:17  I'm sorry to hear that. I also had a tilt table test. And the technician that was performing my test to get me at a baseline for them to start actually was telling me very interesting stories and trying to keep my mind off the fact that we were there for because I think even going in for their test because it it can be a stressful process. And it is like a disconcerting kind of activity to be going through. A good technician is worth their weight in gold because they can try to keep your mind off the fact that you're there for that test and

Lita T  13:57  and she was in pain because

Jean  13:59   right

Lita T  13:59   we had just flown out to California to Stanford for the test and on the landing or just

Jean  14:06  some luggage hit me in the head. It wasn't a big deal

Lita T  14:08  just prior to landing  the the flight attendant open the hatch on top, from where she was sitting and luggage fell out and hit her. And she had already had a neck and a head injury. So but she was tense. Let's say

Jason  14:10  Ouch!

Jean  14:23   But it's vital

Lita T  14:24   she was tense.

Jean  14:25  I think it just shows how important every individual in the medical system is

Lita T  14:29   right

Jean  14:30   And how much of an eff... you know how much they can

Lita T  14:32  put you to ease

Jean  14:33  Yeah, they can put you at ease and it takes someone who really cares about the person, you know, to accomplish that and I think we need more people out there that actually care about people and it does it makes a significant difference.

Lita T  14:46  I'm hoping that all of the future medical people in the world are listening to this podcast

Jean  14:50  we do have a lot of medical students listening

Lita T  14:52  Yes, pay attention to your patient

Jason  14:55  Yes that really is important. Yeah, paying attention to the to the To the individual not just simply seeing them as as a patient. And yeah, I think I believe I've heard the term white coat syndrome.

Lita T  15:10  Uhhuuh

Jason  15:10  My mom was telling me how she always used to test really high on blood pressure tests. Whenever she was in the in the, to see her doctor, and that was simply because just the fact that she was getting it tested would always just stress her out.

Lita T  15:25  Right

Jean  15:26  And it, Yeah. So if you have someone that puts you at ease that that can be very helpful, but inconclusive or incomplete test is not a you know, a completed testing.

Lita T  15:35   No. Right.

Jean  15:36  Sorry that you had to go through that.

Lita T  15:37  Right. Well, I'm glad you finally got it, sorted out.

Jean  15:40  Thank goodness, you know, you advocated for yourself, and were able to find a physician that would listen to you as well.

Lita T  15:45  That's important. Well, I'm not sure if there are misconceptions about POTs. But what would what do you think the most common misconceptions about Fibromyalgia are?

Jason  15:56  I would say that it's all in our heads. I have heard, I've heard that many times. I think that people who are not familiar with chronic illness, have a tendency to discount other people's suffering and their pain and their fatigue levels, simply because it's invisible. And and I think so many people have it in their heads that they just have it in their heads what somebody will look like who is suffering, they mistake what they're familiar with, as acute pain, where it's this very intense feeling. And people are gritting their teeth, with chronic pain, which is something that people have adapted to living with over years and years. And we still experience it all the time. But we're not necessarily showing it. We simply learned to internalize it, and try to focus on how we can best live with it. And then one other big misconception with fibromyalgia. I think a lot of people see it, and a lot of doctors actually think it only affects women. It is predominantly women, but men can develop Fibromyalgia as well. And I'm living proof of that.

Lita T  17:12  Right right

Jean  17:12  Yeah, we have interviewed other other men with fibromyalgia. And we were kind of shocked to hear that. That's the that's a popular misconception,

Lita T  17:22  right

Jean  17:23   Because I never imagined you know, that that would be something that would affect. Yeah, but okay. I have two questions for you. How are you currently being treated? And are your conditions? Is there a in the future? You know, do they anticipate that these are things that can be like, Is there a cure out there in the future?

Jason  17:42  Yeah, so in terms of being treated, I know it's different for everybody. But what I have found most effective is simply a self treatment plan. So for me, I focus on eating a good diet, lots of vegetables and fruit. I getting the right medication for me that that took many years to find the right one for me, mind being amitriptyline. Everybody, things work differently for everybody. And then also incorporating some mindfulness where I just work, breathing, paying attention to my body sensations, tuning into my body throughout the day. And then, for me movement as well. That's been really huge. For a while I was doing Tai Chi, and I was even doing a waterbase tai chi, they had a program down at the hospital, I went to where we got to go through all the movements in this group atmosphere. And I found that really empowering as well. Just knowing that other you're in the pool with other people with chronic illness, and you're all going through the same thing together. So yeah, just overall that and having a good sleep hygiene, I turned off all my devices an hour or two before bed every single night and I try to just relax, I will even turn off all the lights in my on my floor and just have candlelight so that I can help relax my mind.

Lita T  19:09  Well that's good

Jason  19:10  So those are Yeah, those are the main treatment plans. And then in terms of fibromyalgia, Fibromyalgia being curable. I know that a small portion of patients do experience full remission. I don't personally focus on curing my illness, it would be really nice if it happened. But I remember my occupational therapist, one once told me not to make dead people goals and dead people can't feel any pain. So I can't if I can't fully control how my pain levels are I try to focus on what I can influence and work to be coming. I guess just work towards improving functionality. And then I've generally found that when my functionality does improve that my pain level usually follow suits as well.

Jean  20:02  That's fantastic.

Lita T  20:02  Yeah, that's good...

Jean  20:03  that's very inspiring.

Lita T  20:04  Right Right, for sure.

Jason  20:05  Thank you.

Lita T  20:07  Do you have any advice for someone that has been recently diagnosed with a chronic illness?

Jason  20:12  Yeah, I think finding your social support system is really, really key. For anyone with a chronic illness, it can be very, very isolating. I think a lot of us who are chronically ill have friends drop out of our lives for whatever reason. It's not personal, it's not a reflection of you. And I've just found that it's best to focus on whoever has stayed. And just let them know regularly how much their support means to you and get involved with the online community I found that can be helpful as well.

Lita T  20:48  Well, that's good advice.

Jean  20:49  Yeah. And it sounds like you've established a really nice rapport with everyone in your podcast network as well. And you guys have a, you know, a great group there and produce some really quality podcasts.

Jason  21:03  Yeah, that's been wonderful. Just connecting with so many people connecting with listeners hearing from them. Yeah.

Jean  21:09  And what other role have your friends and family taken over the course of this journey? I know your parents have been very important to you, right?

Jason  21:18  Yeah, they've been super

Jean  21:19   it was a very leading question.

Lita T  21:21   (laughter)

Jason  21:21  Yeah, yeah. they've they've been huge. My parents. Now I fell very ill, as I mentioned earlier, around 2016. And around that time, I didn't have the ability to even take care of all my medical stuff, like getting prepared for appointments, keeping track of all that stuff, going to pick up all my medication, doing my research on all the different medications or the different tests that I was being sent for. So really, my mom ended up handling, essentially, all of that, in addition to being my full time caregivers for a couple of years, and I mean, even now, I've improved quite a bit. But even now, I have to rely on them quite a bit for meal preparation and other tasks, when I'm not able to handle them myself. And then, in terms of friends, oh, sorry, I should also just mention my I've got a lot of other family members who have been really great, especially my sister, Lisa, she's been amazing and always checked in on me whenever I was really feeling down. And then in terms of friends. I, yeah, I am incredibly blessed in that area too, in that when I was really sick. And there's a period of about eight months where I didn't, I only left bed very infrequently, and was very, very depressed, had thoughts of suicidal ideation, and all that. And there wasn't a span of time of more than two days, when I didn't get a visitor coming by, to just check in on me, and to come hang out with me. It's not the most exciting thing for my friends to come and do and, and sit by my bedside. And often I would barely even be able to contribute to the conversation, it would be them mostly doing most of the talking. So they were really my lifeline. And they were a huge reason why I was able to keep going and until I was able to receive the proper supports to allow me to recover.

Lita T  23:31  That's excellent.

Jean  23:32  Yeah that's, that's wonderful. I'm glad that you have those people in your life and that they've been so supportive. Jason, with the pandemic and everything that's been going on, you said you used to, you know, be able to go to the gym at the hospital. How have How have things change over the course of the past year? And what modifications Have you made to, you know, still stay active and do things? And, you know, in keep in contact with friends and family, when everything has been in lockdown?

Jason  24:01  Yeah, it's been a lot harder. I've been doing zoom like a lot of other people for keeping in touch with people, for just keeping in touch with friends, but I do get zoom fatigue like everybody else, probably quicker than everybody else just due to having headaches and everything. Yeah, in terms of what else? I've been lots of phone calls. I've been doing social distance walks where I'll meet up with friends and we'll just all walk six feet away from each other

Jean  24:33  (giggle) Okay

Jason  24:33   six feet or more.

Jean  24:34   Okay.

Jason  24:35  And that's been a really good way to just keep in touch while also getting some exercise getting some fresh air. Yeah, not being able to go to the pool has been kind of tough. That's one of the things I really miss. That was a huge part of remaining social and, and all that and remaining active as well. And yeah, yeah, I've been fortunate I mean, I'm in Toronto here. For a good part of the pandemic, I have been able to have a small social circle. So I've had my brother, his wife and their kids within our social circle. And so yeah, being able to hang out with like a three year old and a two year old as they always make you feel young, and that is really improved my spirits.

Jean  25:24  Yeah, there, children can be, and and pets and everything can be a great distraction.

Lita T  25:28  Wait a minute, children and pets, you can't ball them up in the same thing.

Jean  25:32  Well we do chicken therapy, where we go to see the chickens,

Lita T  25:35 yeah we do, we do

Jean  25:36  nothing makes you laugh harder than watching, you know, chickens fight over a tomato, because it kind of looks like you know, some sort of weird horror movie and yeah, okay.

Lita T  25:45  (laughter)

Jean  25:46  Okay, sorry, I'm, we're getting way off topic.

Lita T  25:48  (laughter)

Jean  25:50  Jason, what additional advice or tips do you have for our listeners.

Jason  25:54  So, I would say, to just do your best job advocating for yourself. Or if you can't find a family member or friends who can, or friends who can, our medical system isn't... that the chronically ill often fall through the cracks of our medical system. So unfortunately, you do need to do some of that work yourself in terms of do your research before appointments, come prepared to every appointment with a summary of your recent medical history, and any questions you have for your doctors and any potential tests that you'd like to request. So you really have to become your own advocate there. And another thing is just find something that makes you happy, I know that our lives don't look the same way that they did prior to becoming ill. But it doesn't mean that I guess over time, we can develop the ability to adapt and find joy in different ways that we never could have imagined before becoming chronically ill. So yeah, find whatever, do whatever makes you happy.

Lita T  27:08  That's great.

Jean  27:09  Yeah wonderful advice

Lita T  27:10  right. Have you always lived in Canada?

Jason  27:14  I always have. Yeah,

Jean  27:15  You can hear from his accent

Jason  27:16  I live with my parents.

Lita T  27:17  No, no, I  was just curious. Because, you know, like, now we're kind of comparing apples and oranges, you know, the medical system in the United States compared to the medical system in Canada. And I think that we have the same problems here. And it is very important to always go to your doctor's office prepared. And like you're saying, do your research ahead of time. Because you know, you go to a doctor's office nowadays, and you're given like a minute and a half,

Jason  27:44  Yeah

Lita T  27:44   you know, you don't have a lot of screen time with your doctor.

Jason  27:47 Yes

Lita T  27:47  So you have more you can do ahead of time, the better.

Jason  27:51  Yeah, and I've noticed that doctors really appreciate it when you can give them like a 30 second briefing on everything that's happened with with your health, since they've last seen you it's a way for them to digest everything really quickly, and then be more efficient with your time. So I think that they really appreciate it as well.

Lita T  28:11  Right. Right. That That could be a career field.

Jean  28:14  Well, and I think

Lita T  28:15   No, I mean, like just just in order to teach people how to go to the doctor,

Jean  28:20  right? Well, maybe it could be included in your high school health class.

Lita T  28:24  Right. Okay. (laughter)

Jean  28:25  And I think nowadays, a lot of technology can also come into play where you can track your, you know, your headaches, and you can track your symptoms, and you can actually give your your physician or healthcare provider an actual, you know, a synopsis and a screenshot of what is actually happening with you on a day to day basis, because when it is a chronic illness, I think it's hard to quantify it. And I think

Jason  28:34  Yeah,

Jean  28:48  and things can help.

Jason  28:50  I think that stuff is is so great, too. And I've noticed, I noticed that before I started doing any of this, like tracking my medical history, I would go into an appointment. And so often, it would depend what I would say to the doctor would depend on how my day was going. If I was feeling depressed that day, it would just seem like everything is so completely bleak. And I would send that message to the doctor, whereas like, they would get a much more accurate depiction of what my recent medical history was if I was able to Yeah, like as you were saying, go in with any kind of metrics or anything that you've been tracking over time.

Lita T  29:26  Sure, sure. Well, Jason, how can our listeners learn more about you and your podcast?

Jason  29:33  Well, they can listen to my podcast "Discomfort Zone" on whichever podcast app they use. They can also go to "Invisible Not Broken dot com" to find my podcast, as well as all the other shows in our network and you can find me on social media. My handle is D Zone Podcast.

Lita T  29:52  Okay, excellent.

Jean  29:53  And you guys have a wonderful website and a well rounded collection of podcasts. So we're very impressed. And we're hoping to one day grow up and be more like you.  (Eh Ha!) Maybe? (laughter) Well, at least

Jason  30:06  You guys are great the way you are.

Lita T  30:08  At least we're staying active.

Jean  30:09  Yeah. Okay,

Lita T  30:10   mentally. (laughter)  Well, Jason, thank you very much for taking the time to talk with us today.

Jean  30:15  Thank you, Jason.

Jason  30:17  Thank you so much for having me.

Lita T  30:18  You're welcome. If our listeners have any questions or comments related to today's show, they can contact us at podcast dx@yahoo.com through our website, podcast, dx.com and Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, or Instagram.

Ron  30:32  Please keep in mind that this podcast is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition or treatment, and before undertaking a new health care regime, and never disregard professional medical advice or delay in taking it because it's something you've heard on this podcast

Jean  30:57  till next week.

Check out this episode!

[kahayaya]

1/26/2021

Last Semester started and I finished my first Senior Team project class. I really hope to work on a project that I can work on. There’s sponsors on there that have really interesting ideas. One of the start up is an app for people with disabilities and they can call 911. I saw the app and was interested. When I see the skills on there, I feel incompetent. A lot of new technologies I’ve heard of but never really used on my own. I really want to work on that project but the inner me tells me I can’t do those things. Tells me that I won’t get picked for that project. I also worry about my team. It’s a group project and we’re suppose to work together. I don’t like group projects but I know in the real world it requires group work and to be a team member. I would like to think that being on a competitive roster has helped me be a better teammate. Communicating and seeing issues that need to be addressed. The only difference is that in the rooster, teammates are just not as motivated to do things cuz of school work, which is fair enough and at the end of the day the rooster is something to just have competitive fun. I wonder who my teammates will be and hopefully they can share a like mind of learning and gaining experience from the project. 

The move-out is nearing for me and again we are being delayed. Mainly due to the fact that the bank does not want to give the loan for the house in Vegas. Mainly due to my parents (which i assume), previous credit scores. So rn they are putting my Aunt’s name with the loan and temporary my aunt has the to be in the loan. If that goes through, then we will get the loan, which in turn will secure the house in vegas. From what I know, the house in Hawaii is good to go and to be sold and the house in Vegas is good to go too. I’m just getting mixed messages of when I’m leaving Hawaii. I was told we were gonna leave by the end of January and my parents told me now we are leaving the end of February. And today they said maybe within 10 days? I really want to know when I leave so I can better prepare myself. Which reminded me of my personality. I just want to be organized and know ahead of time of when I can leave. I don’t like spontaneous things happening unless I know something will happen. And with this housing situation, it gives me some anxiety of when I will leave. I really want to move and soon honestly. Knowing that school is starting up I feel like I can’t enjoy Vegas without having a workload on my shoulders. I don’t know what my routine will be in Vegas. I just want to get started so I know what I can do up there. The anticipation is killing me. I sometimes stay up at night thinking how the day I leave Hawaii and thinking how my family will get to the airport, how to go to our house, what the first week will be like. I have many racing thoughts at night just thinking about those things. But as of right now I have schooling and I’ve been focusing on that.

Speaking of school, always the first week I have anxiety. I worry about what my classes are like and the people in them. One of my classes is Intro to Unity, which is introduction to the unity engine for games. Eren, Neo, and their housemate are in the class. I worry because I don’t really want to see them again. I hate having to be like everything is okay when for myself its not. I don’t really want to have associations with them and just want to learn in the class. Dennis is also in the class and knowing him, he’ll talk with me and Eren and I don’t really want associations with that. The class is exciting but with them I just get really anxious. I think at the end of things, I know I will be mature and just be classmates but it really does bother me having them in my class. Especially since Neo and Eren were once my friends and now they’re having a blast without me. At least in my mind. 

Reminds me of when we had classes together with Andy. It was Ethics in Friendships and the irony in that was just cherry on top. That was a horrific time for me. It was the time me and Eren decided to just be separate and not be friends I guess. The worries in my mind going to that class. I didn’t really know anyone other than them so I guess I stuck with them. It was always this awkward rift between me and her. Everything just felt like a fake interaction between me and her. The only thing that made the class worth was the professor and Andy, who didn’t really take sides. I’m grateful for Andy for being the neutral one and being nice to both sides. That was also the time I fractured my ankles and that ankle brings back memories. Specifically to the realization of people who meant things to me. I realize some friends were not friends just there. Made me question those who associated with me and changed my framework of friends. And at that time made me realize that Neo and Eren were not my friends at all. They were just there until they had no obligation to be near me. I sometimes wonder if we never dated and became friends, how things might have been different but at the same time I just know in the end of things I would be in a friend group of people just being there. Nothing about deep relationships like the ones a share with Alex. And to me that is way more important than just having friends to have fun. I also have my high school friends who I can just do the same. 

At the end of the day, I just want to move to Vegas, explore it. I want to meet up with my high school friend who is living there and take him around. I know he’s a mega-weeb and he doesn’t really like to socialize. But I share fond memories of him since we were in elementary school. I wanna hang out with him, get some food together and I guess in a way show off what I learned in college. I’m excited to what Vegas has in show and I just went on a ramble of random thoughts but I sign off here, maybe when the day I can figure out when I move lol. 

Cheers