#especially now that I probably don't have health insurance anymore

[sillimancer]

one nice thing about All This Shit Happening on Tumblr lately is that I've been getting to see lots of people reblog photos of transition timelines and I think I needed to see trans people transitioning and it being a good thing that drastically improves their lives cuz I've been so in my head about my own shit lately

[clonerightsagenda]

Author's notes for Sick aka I ramble about my complex Disability Feelings

When you're sick, especially given the dominance of the medical model of disability, it's easy to view your body as a separate adversary, and this scenario takes it to the extreme of completely removing yourself from your body. I've talked before on this blog about my complicated feelings on magic disability cures - I don't like them in fiction; I'd like one myself in real life - and this is me contemplating 'what if'?

I do not like being sick. It is painful, time-consuming, expensive, and frequently embarrassing. I wish it had not happened to me. But being disabled is now a major part of my identity and experience - it's probably the first label I would list when thinking about the different facets that impact my life. Being disabled has made me more aware of disability justice issues and changed the way I relate to and rely on other people. In some ways that sucks - it's progressively taken over what I eat, where I work, where I live (which I also take to the extreme in this story with ambiguously literal possession) - but in other ways, I think the disability community often has a much better worldview than mainstream America. I'm glad I've become more aware of some of those perspectives and issues. And because disability has shaped so much of my life for the past... six? years, for good and for ill, it's hard for me to conceive of what my life would be like without it. How would I think about myself? What would I do? This is my new normal, like it or not. I don't remember what it's like to make a fist painlessly.

An added wrinkle is that autoimmunity is my body Trying Its Best. I make a lot of jokes about my body trying to kill me because that's how it shakes out (please, little guys in my blood, stop eating my bones) but autoimmunity is a trauma response. My body got clobbered by so many outside poisons that it can't recognize what a real threat is anymore. It's trying to protect me and doing a terrible job. It's another place where you can look at your body as an external adversary versus a system that your mind is also a part of. But also no matter how you look at it, I am still sick.

There's also some stuff in the piece about the helplessness that comes from being sick which (surprise!) I also have mixed feelings about. Because it sucks not having control over your body! I want to be supervising that shit. But also... I don't know how common this is, but there is a weird kind of comfort in being tucked in bed with someone else taking care of me. I even find going into surgery oddly relaxing because for a while my life will be someone else's problem.

At the same time I also worry that I'm using disability as an excuse. Am I begging off attending something because I really am tired or worried about exposure/overwork or do I just not want to go?

Finally we have Aro Angst because that's always on my mind. And it's extra on my mind in the context of disability because what if I get to the point where I can't take care of myself anymore? I don't have a romantic partner to help me or to provide health insurance if I can't work. I live near my parents and have passed up job opportunities that would take me further away. Most specifically for this story, even I find myself sometimes falling into the trap of assuming the ultimate endstate of closeness/intimacy would be romantic/sexual bc of cultural conditioning. It's annoying! So the character (Dani, I named her Danielle in a reference to the Daniel/the cooler Daniel meme) is still seeking the community, care, and closeness she experienced as part of the disabled community, and the messier weirder intimacy of feeling connected to her own body, but she's struggling with interpreting that through cultural norms of amatonormativity. Sometimes 'I want to be inside you/I want you inside me' is, shockingly, not a sex thing. Hence, toxic nonhorny clone makeouts. I guess???

Side note: I've mentioned this wrt pieces I've written with aromanticism that follow a similar pattern of taking something I am at least not too consciously dramatic about and making the MC a pathetic wet cat about it. I guess they are serving the purpose of Everyman in a medieval morality play here. They are crash test dummies I am flinging at walls to count the cracks. Not great character writing but that's not what this is about rn.

[yooniesim]

I don't like to share financial struggles on here but, I have always made a point of being transparent as possible too. So let me tell yall frankly. I am 1-2 months away from not being able to pay any of my bills including rent. the new medication I have to switch to bc of the national shortage is $182 per month. I don't know how im going to afford it. The one i switched to already and have been paying for has had no effect at all. I have had doctor's visits every few weeks for various health issues since March and no insurance since January. My student loans have unpaused and I have been paying them for several months now. I was laid off from one of my jobs this year and the other was paused when my family member I was caregiving for passed away. I have another caregiving job now but it doesn't pay nearly enough for all my bills, medical expenses, and food. I am in the red every month and what I have saved will not last much longer.

Regardless of all this, I still do not paywall my cc, even early access, and I do not ask for donations. I took up curseforge because it seemed like a good place to host my files, and then was pleasantly surprised by the small amount of money I was able to get from it every month or so. This money doesn't even touch my expenses and will not even be enough to pay for my meds anymore. It ranges from $50-200 over the course of several months depending if I am active enough to post any cc or not. Any of you that are independent know that this is nothing in terms of the current cost of living. I haven't even received my payment from last month yet and as soon as I do it is already spent. If I had any leeway at all, I would have already deleted my cc from there, but the gravity of the situation right now is... extremely high. If I deleted it now, I probably wouldn't even get the money I already earned there, as it is still in process. And I cannot risk that. What i can do is not upload anything new to their website in the meantime. But I cannot delete my old uploads.

I have spent most of my life being vocal about social justice issues. I have donated very often to the causes i cared about, spoken to people both irl and online to raise awareness despite being in an area where it is dangerous to do so, done volunteer work, and hosted fundraising efforts. Much of my breath over the past weekend was spent talking about Palestine. It is not that I do not care about this issue- far from it. I've lost a lot of sleep trying to figure out what to do about this. It's not easy trying to weigh the impact of a boycott against your own well being. Especially getting conflicting info on whether or not Overwolf is actually supporting the IDF or just victims of the terrorist attacks as they say. It's all complicated, confusing, and heartbreaking. And even so, I am boycotting in the terms of not uploading new stuff to there and offering alternate download links for my old stuff. And when I am able, I will eliminate curseforge completely. But I hope this helps anyone understand why it's not gone immediately and what my current perspective is.

[aintmyjewelry]

How did you end up getting diagnosed? Was it a long process with a thousand dollar test or could you get it another way? I'm looking to get tested

(apologies, this is a pretty long post about the process but I hope it helps!!)

So for my diagnosis, I went through a neuropsychological center to get a neuropsychological evaluation and I initially went bc my therapist suspected ADHD but I tacted on the ASD testing because my mom has always been suspicious, haha (I think you have to go to a neuropsychological center for ASD but don't quote me on that)

The process was both long and not long. I initially reached out to the center to set up an appointment in late November. However, due to anxiety, I was really slow at responding to their emails and following up. By the time I was able to kick myself into gear (which was around Christmas), the closest appointment that worked with my schedule was in early March (March 10). I also had to set up an intake appointment (March 1) and then a follow-up appointment (today, March 22). I also had to provide my health insurance information right away before they set up any appointments.

Everything kind of happened quickly from there. There was a LOT of paperwork to fill out prior to my intake appointment. This included family history reports, self-reports (just symptoms I'm experiencing and such), contracts/agreements, etc. The paperwork is probably the most exhausting part especially if you ever feel like me and ur like "should I really be doing this? am i just being dramatic?"

I had to have the paperwork in before my intake appointment and then for the intake appointment it was like about 30-45 minutes and mine was with a postdoctorate student (the psychologist was out of the office that day). He basically reviewed the paperwork I had submitted and discussed what I was concerned about, what symptoms I was having, etc.

At the end of the intake appt, I was sent MORE paperwork lmao but these were like questionnaires (they covered both ASD and ADHD). They asked me questions about how i personally felt, my habits, some of my interests, socializing, empathy, etc. I was asked about the current day and childhood. My mom was also given questionnaires and I think hers were also a mix of current and childhood behaviors.

I had to hand in the questionnaires the day of my testing so I did that morning and then went in for testing. Testing for me was about 5 hours long and it was exhausting. It can be even longer depending on what tests you are going in for and if they have anything else they notice and want to explore (with ur permission). But mine was just one day, it went from about 9am-2pm and I had a break for lunch.

The evaluation itself was a lot. They described it as a "stress test for your brain" and they were NOT kidding. It was a mix of puzzles, electronic tests, verbal tests, memory, some tests on paper, etc. It was a lot but my tester was very nice and patient.

That then brings me to today which was my "feedback appt" where I met virtually with the psychologist and he walked me through results of EVERY test, including the questionnaires I and my mom completed. He gave his initial interpretations (as I have discussed in other posts lmao) and was very thorough and answered questions. It was about an hour long. I was not prescribed anything or referred for any treatment. I am not sure if that comes with the diagnosis stuff or not but, in the meantime, I will be seeking out my own psychiatrist to discuss medications for the anxiety and depression factors my psychologist noted (and boy were they high, he was stunned).

I now basically wait for the formal diagnosis papers which can take 6-8 weeks, give or take.

One thing I did not like about the place I went to is the psychologist was very much into "differentiating" the "types" of autism. For me he used the term "Aspergers" a lot which I don't like for many reasons and it generally is not a term autistic people use anymore (I especially didn't like that he called me an "Aspie" and called autism the "trendy phrase" - it was kind of weird). It's all just under ASD. and he eventually specifically described me as ASD level 1 which is in the DSM.

Now, as for the COST of everything, I have insurance through my parents, I am still under their plan. Going into this, I didn't know if my insurance would cover it at all. This was very much something where I was just gonna bite the bullet and do it for my own sake. As I said previously, they asked for my insurance right away and bc they moved ahead I assumed they accepted it (their website said they took my insurance as well but my insurance can be weird lmao). There was a $50 fee I had to pay up front that insurance would not cover (it was for testing materials). Without insurance, the whole thing came out to be over $3,000. WITH insurance, I will be paying about $1,100.

I am not sure if there is another way to go about getting a diagnosis. I am not sure if psychiatrists can do anything when it comes to this. I think psychiatrists can but you have to go to someone who specializes in ASd. My therapist recommended I look for a place that did neuropsychological evaluations because they will look at like ur whole brain basically (not literally tho lmao there was no tests like that) and if it wasn't ASD or ADHD they can suggest other things. so that is why I took the route I took!

But, yeah, that was my experience. I hope I laid it out all okay - if you have questions please feel free to ask, I can try to answer them but, fair warning, I might not have all the answers 😅

[audiovisualrecall]

Sitting around scrolling tumblr on my phone on Rosh Hashanah (after AM services) even tho I didn't want to be using tech, or at least was going to try to use it less, but I just... I don't want to sit and read or take a nap, but I'm not supposed to draw or write or do any work, but I'm so sick of my job and I'm like I have a little motivation to just look into other options, other jobs, grad programs, whatever, but I feel like I shouldn't do any of that today, but I can't do anything else productive, but I don't have another day off until Yom Kippur and I definitely don't use my phone or do work or any of that then, even if I don't fast, and then I'm back to work the next day after that which idk why I didn't request the 13th off bc it's not like going to services on a high holiday is really the same as a day off where I don't have anything like that to do? Like I don't have a day to work on art or my etsy shop or my website or job hunt until the week after. And I never really get stuff done on my 2 days off a week bc I Also have laundry and other things to do, and I will want to rest and recover from work, do nothing at all, without having to be exhausted by hours of standing at shul...like it's important to me to go and be there, I'm not complaining abt that, I'm complaining abt having to work tomorrow thru Thursday, and then back to work next Sunday thru whenever, and just.... I need to take a week off but my boss isn't jewish so to him THIS was basically a week off for me, so I'm not likely to be able to squeeze in a week off before Thanksgiving which is a no time off requests week anyway, and tbh I don't really want to be there anymore by Thanksgiving, but I don't have any time to work on finding another option that will include health insurance, and I'm just too tired when I get home from work in the afternoons/evenings, especially now my boss has me working really stupid hours. Like theyre trying to get me to quit or something idefk. (Like multiple not-technically-a-clopen shifts, like late mid on a Monday, opening on a Tuesday, late mid Wed, opening Thurs. Why???? Because he sucks he's a terrible boss and I'm so done with him and his attitude, he has turned the team from a fairly interactive group to a toxic environment to work in, with ridiculous expectations of us. Fr.) And I'm so done in so tired I hate this job and I hate that I hate it because it was actually SO good for a long time, I've been there nearly 4 years (started Oct 30th 2020, actually) abd it was my first full time job, my first real job tbh (blick was a seasonal position), and our original boss was such a good boss but the store leadership thought he was a bad boss probably because he was too nice for their liking (they also got rid of the 2 guys in store leadership who were super nice by sending them to other store) and even then it wasn't TOO bad bc our next boss was a good boss even if he wasn't as nice, and then he moved up to store leadership so my current boss Finally got to be in charge and he SUCKS at it. Anyway. Hate it and I hate that I hate it bc I loved it and I still enjoy aspects of it but I'm just miserable or worried or stressed or exhausted all the time, and I want to LIVE, maybe it's bc I live with my parents who are retired. Anyway so. Going back to where this started. I'm on my phone even tho I don't want to bc I want to do stuff that is definitely more like Work but I feel like I Can't do those things bc it's Rosh Hashanah, but I shouldn't be on my phone either Or I should do those things instead bc they'll help me secure my future vs just wasting time bc I'm Stuck, and I'm going to resent having to go to work tomorrow, and then I'll go to sleep late and get to work late probably which won't help anything. Or I could get off my phone and take a nap or read a book instead, I'm sure I'll still resent everything and be irritable later and tomorrow but I don't want to be using tech and scrolling tumbkr is just...like, that's what I always do, this is a day for not doing what I always do, my normal business, yknow.

[tackyink]

Hello Tacky 👉👈 uhm this is going to be a weird ask but you are the only person I can ask about this, so sorry in advance 🥲

So, it's not like I haven't been thinking about it before, but the last post you reblogged about adhd was an eye opener. Uhm. I think I have adhd but I don't want to self-diagnose for obvious reasons and I feel bad if I am not medically diagnosed and go around thinking I have adhd.

How do I get diagnosed to see if I have or not adhd here in Spain? It's not a case of parents not believing in mental health or anything (we think my mother may have adhd too). We are just not sure how to go about it without sounding weird 🥲🥲

(This must be so much easier with children like,, who do you explain being an actual great student and now you cannot?? Tho I have seen around it is pretty common with women/afab people when they grow?).

Anyways sorry for the super long and weird ask, don't need to answer it aldvakdbk I hope you have a good day <3

Hi, Vivi! Ahhh, yeah, the straight A student to the can't concentrate to save my life pipeline. From what I hear, it's particularly common in AFAB people because we tend to have the inattentive type, not the climbing-up-the-walls version, and it goes unnoticed easily, especially if you have good grades. In my experience, the grades and focusing ability slip once you lose the rigid structure of mandatory school and you're now responsible for your own schedule and work pace (aka: uni). Self-enforced routines rarely work; you need external structure to thrive. I'm the same as well, and I also don't like claiming I have ADHD despite having rampant symptoms because. You know. Feels bad.

Getting diagnosed depends a lot on who your doctor is and the facilities available to you. Ideally, you'd go to your GP and tell them that you suspect you may have ADHD and want to get tested because you're struggling (they'll probably ask for symptoms to know if there's reason for concern, tell them about those). It can also be useful to say that someone with diagnosed ADHD suggested it to you because they noticed similar patterns. You can bring up that you suspect your mom may have it too, because it runs in families. The doctor then should look up a specialist that can assess adult patients and direct you there.

In my case, I brought it up with my old GP and she asked me about my symptoms, told me I could very well have gone undiagnosed as a child, sent a text to some colleagues asking for help, and since she didn't know where to refer me immediately, she told me not to worry, that she'd look into it and find someone who could help.

She then transferred to another clinic, and when I brought it up with the new doctor, she said adults don't have ADHD. I don't have that doctor anymore. 🤡 I also don't have a diagnosis.

Here in reality, you're probably going to have to pay for it out of pocket in a private clinic. I don't know anyone who's gotten diagnosed with ADHD as an adult near me, but a guy I know got tested for ASD and diagnosed in his thirties, and it cost him 600 euros. Prices and testing availability probably vary a lot depending on where you live. I know from a friend who had severe BPD that public mental healthcare in Euskadi is very good, but in Catalonia it may as well not exist, so she had to move there with family to get treatment. I'm considering getting tested again now, because thanks to my new job I have health insurance that may cover it. Perhaps. I'm not sure and at this point I'm afraid to ask.

Best of luck if you go for it! I wish you have an easier time finding help.

[kyrodo]

I do wish I had been there more for Red while he was in mourning. Cause I do realize how tough things were for him. I experienced it at face value but very little of his time being depressed did I spend supporting him. I was too busy with my blooming romance to really be there for him. And I do feel bad about that. This morning especially while I was dreaming about super sad music with an organ or something playing with four descending notes, the fourth note played twice with a rest before looping. And it was slow and very sad sounding. You can visualize light brown film grain fish eye effect from it. And I think what I saw was a bunch of make -up, most likely my mom's, that I could freely experiment with all of a sudden. And that thought is eerie and troubling. Cause I realize in the past year I've been closer to a family death than I've ever been in my life. My dad having a stroke, Red losing his, and consoling Choskey. And only now do I fully appreciate how deeply saddening the entire ordeal can be. What it means to truly grieve a loss of a relative friend or loved one. Why life insurance is so important to people, though grim.

And I know how my luck is like. It is pretty extreme. When life events move in a direction it always feels like it's leading somewhere. Ideally with More than adequate time to prepare if I truly guage what it tells me. I know how much of it is just overanalyzing. But given my history, it has never not led somewhere. It has never failed to go wherever it will go. Ult's loss for example, without that experience I probably would never have tried to squeeze Choskey into my relationship. Simply because it didn't work out back then and I never tried.

And I remember how self conscious I became when I publicized these types of superstitions I have regarding my luck. Like how whenever I learn a new word, I suddenly hear it mentioned everywhere. It could simply be that I wasn't looking out for it, but a part of me believes it was genuinely never mentioned around me until then.

So peer pressure aside I still take those kinds of clustered events seriously. Perhaps not as seriously as I used to but I can't avoid thinking about it. They always lead somewhere and the ending isn't always a happy one. Luckily aside from the stroke things have been relatively okay back home. I hope that it stays that way at least for a good while yet.

And I think back to my health. The sleep issues. How ineffective the current treatment is with the lack of pressure. And I do hope at some point my dr starts taking my health a bit more seriously, cause I am seriously considering switching doctors at this point. Which honestly I should just do.

But yeah. Especially after hearing that sad song loop over and over for who knows how many hours, I am sad I wasn't there for Red more when things got tough for him. I do care about him deeply. But my actions rarely show it sometimes. I remember how tightly Red held me after we confessed, how strongly he loved me, and Choskey is experiencing something similar, but I don't want to lose Red in the process. I want to make this work out for both of them.

Thinking back further to Rot again. I was extremely immature about how I handled my feelings when things were clearly not going to work out. And now I feel the opposite. I feel like I'm too mature for my own good sometimes. There are definitely times I just want to react to things at face value because of Choskey gaming banter but I know better. If I didn't know better though I know things might change a bit faster. But I'm not the type to freely explode anymore. I'm not the type to go on poetic rants bleeding away at someone's self esteem as much as I perceptively can. My trauma corrected me extremely hard. It was painful. And no matter how happy I am now with Choskey's heart wrapped tightly around my finger, it is still painful. It is still jarring the extent of hostile actions against me because I chose to give into my feelings while I was already at a low point for other reasons. It is eye opening how hostile people can be towards me that I would normally never have experienced in my lifetime. How hard people can troll with memes and how disgusting it looks when they do. Unwittingly validating someone's horror kink while they continue to compromise our security for their own peace of mind while treating mine like absolute dog shit. I expect it is a one time experience for them as well. Despite taking the brunt of things, I realize my life isn't the only one that changed. At least that's the hope. I made a very big deal out of rectifying whatever perceived evil I was for their benefit whenever I had trouble justifying my own adultery venture. And I know it's not the kind of thing most people expect from an enemy. And that is part of the reason I kept at it so hard. My enemy being someone who likes to "share" and not always in an unsensationalized way, I kinda had to. I had to be the hero as much as I possibly could have and getting to know me much more closely it isn't far from the real me. I'm up stand in the sense that I am harmless. I find ways to piss away time and when I don't I'm working or staring at the ceiling thinking or tweeting. And besides having Red, that is in essence my entire existence. I rarely interfere with other people, I normally keep to myself aside from that one event where it very much was no longer the case and I was struggling to make things easier for my heart to process. And had we not gone to utah in the first place that is ideally how it would have stayed.

I am a kind soul. Overly sensitive, clearly able to make myself seem bigger than I actually am when I need to. And without Red and my sister I was a complete loner. And I was sick of that always being the case. I wanted something where if things went online our friendship would still be intact.

You meet all these furries and have this one group you used to hang out regularly with and they don't even bat an eye when you move away. And I couldn't accept that. But my friendship with them wasn't direct enough, wasn't personal enough with Red always being the point of contact, and that is why I wanted so badly for someone where that wasn't the case. Ult was going to be my answer.

But that role was by all accounts passed to Choskey instead. And I am much more ready for it this time. And my interest is much more viable in every possible way I can think of. Ideally it wouldn't always be a love interest to fix my issue, but that's where I'm strongest socially. Me and Red can interact in so many ways other people can't, and that's exactly the type of connections I need with someone to be able to hold onto them more permanently. To be "gay" with someone in significant excess. Choskey embodies a different set of interactions but we have more than enough to promise that. When I am not limited by how much affection I can reasonably show someone that is where I shine the most. And the only place I can do that is with a lover. And I am ready to accept that. Red is ready to accept that, and it's working. It's working better than I could have possibly imagined.

[lesbiankingphil]

Idk what to do bc it's been like 5 years since I had a job and my physical health has gotten so bad if a in person job wanted to hire me I probably would only last a week before I had to quit bc I know I'd end up in so much pain I wouldn't be able to even walk anymore and I can't get to a doctor bc I have no insurance bc me making $0 a year is apparently "too much money" to qualify for any insurance.

Idk how to get a at home job bc no one ever seems to be hiring and whenever I mention to anyone that I've been trying to find a at home job most people are mean and tell me I'll never find one and need to just get over all my physical and mental health problems and get a job like a normal person. No matter how hard I try explaining how bad my health is no one believes me which really fucking hurts bc why the hell would I lie???

25 years is kind of a long time anyways, maybe it would be better if I just gave up and ended it now, especially with how fucked up the world is I'm not sure I even want to be here for the future. But at the same time I want to live bc I love my mom and my pets, especially my cats bc it's obvious they both see me as their best friend so I don't think I can hurt them like that but if I don't get a job within the next 4 months I'll be homeless and I"ve been applying to so many places for so long but nothing ever works out so idk what to do.

[golbrocklovely]

I’m so sorry to hear about what your going through. My parents have a lot of health issues as well so I understand the stress completely. It is so hard being the caregiver of a parent. I really admire you for doing it.

I can’t believe that doctor didn’t give her the meds. I’m sure you could sue for medical malpractice but that will probably still be costly initially for your family so I understand if it isn’t something you pursue.

This really opened my eyes into America’s healthcare. I also remember Colby talking with Dr. Mike about how bad some of his experiences were. As much as it sucks the amount of taxes we pay for universal healthcare, I have never had to debate taking someone to the hospital. If there’s any thought to going, we just go and don’t have to even think about paying a dime. America really needs to prioritize healthcare for you all. That is such a struggle.

Sending love and hoping things get better <3

thank you so much. both of my parents have always had health issues, ever since i was born. so i've seen the very highs and the real lows. and it's just exhausting now bc my mom is not young anymore. she can't be going thru shit like this with her doctors. and this isn't the first time doctors fucking around with her medicine almost put her in the hospital.

one time, years ago, a doctor didn't give my mom her meds and she had a break down. not as bad as the one that happened friday, but a similar enough one. and my dad, back when he was alive, worked with phones at the university i went to. so he literally set up a program for my mom's doctor that just kept calling his phone over and over again, basically holding up the line so no one else could call thru (and it kept ringing and ringing in his office). and my dad swore at the doctor that if he didn't get my mom meds asap, he would keep doing this until he did.

so my mom got her meds by the end of the day, or very early the next.

but the fact that some of these doctors need to have sense knocked into them for them to understand why you're taking these meds in the first place is insane to me. especially when it comes to anxiety and depression, both of which my mom has and takes medication for. well, she used to take anti-depressants, but they weren't really doing anything for her so she's been off them for a while. but her anxiety medication, she needs that; even if a tiny dose of it.

i just… can't imagine getting into a field that is about taking care of ppl and literally not having empathy for your patients. why be a doctor then? i get that some are overworked. but taking it out on your patients, fucking around with their meds bc you don't believe in certain pills or bc you're tired….. you're just an asshole.

and yeah, america needs universal healthcare stat. my mom within the past year has gone thru 3 or 4 insurances bc she'll sign up for one that says they cover all of her shit, and then come to find out no they don't. it's just…. insanity.

and this is just the health shit she has had to go thru. there's so much more on her plate too, and it just breaks my heart to see her go thru all of this.

[girls-and-honey]

I saw your tags on the post about marriage of convenience. I need your thoughts right now!

asdlkfj alright re: this post, I have so many thoughts about marriage and I'll try to keep this at least coherent if not somewhat reasonable in length if you get to the end I'm sorry I failed to keep it short

it probably helps to have a little background on what I think of marriage in general then I'll focus on marriage of convenience. bullet points for this part so I don't get carried away:

you don't need to be married to someone in order to love them, or to 'prove' that you love them also there are many types of love but we're not going to get into that

you don't need to love someone to be married to them

in school we learned the whole 'separation of church and state' thing right (maybe this is a us-specific thing?) and that phrase bothers me so much. the way I was raised framed marriage very much as the religious 'sacrament of marriage' but how is that separation of church and state if there are legal effects of marriage as well??

my own view of marriage is much more based on its legal implications rather than its religious ones, in fact I don't usually think about the religious aspect at all unless it's specifically referenced

interpersonal implications for me lie somewhere between legal and religious (closer to legal, and primarily just how myself and my partner feel about being married, friends/family might have secondary opinions but it's not their relationship)

okay and onto marriage of convenience thoughts. examples cited in the post are excellent reasons: tax benefits, tuition reduction, and yes pet-friendly housing as well! other reasons could include residency rights (especially for someone seeking refuge from a country that is not safe for them), alleviate family pressure (it's your life but look some families feel very strongly about this), more financial reasons including social security breaks, inheritance rights, no gift/estate tax for exchanges between spouses, cheaper health insurance for policy holder + spouse or family coverage, etc..

this probably counts more as a benefit instead of a sole reason since you can make an advance directive but it's one that I think about quite often: medical and legal consent. in the event you're unable to provide consent, the order of priority (again, at least for the us) follows this list until one applies: advance directive, legal representative, married / civil union spouse, close relative, close friend. there are definitely decisions I do NOT want to leave up to my family. also if you're a spouse I believe you have emergency services rights like riding in the ambulance or visiting in the ED that are not given to family/friends

plus if there's marriage of convenience it stands to reason there would be divorce of convenience? I'm joking but yeah you can get divorced if you no longer want to be in your marriage whether it was for convenience or not. definitely think this falls under a cost/benefit consideration on a case by case basis, and there are probably some situations where both parties plan to be married for x amount of time for their specific benefits, but honestly I think it's realistic too for people to just. stay married until it doesn't make sense anymore, financially or otherwise

also I feel like this needs to be said, a marriage of convenience doesn't mean you just pick a complete stranger and marry them. I guess it might, but probably shouldn't for most cases. it's not that you're getting married just for the sake of being married, there's still a benefit for one or both parties it's just that the benefit doesn't include the whole romantic love commitment piece

asldfk was about to post but I want to say one more thing actually. I feel like the two biggest reasons people have to oppose marriages of convenience are 1) it's 'cheating the system' which okay?? the system is broken anyway. marriage is a legal institution, if you can use it to your advantage go for it or 2) it somehow diminishes the sanctity of marriage for everyone who marries for love which like, again. separation of church and state is where??? not anywhere near marriage. I'll state it more clearly: marriage is not an exclusively religious act. there's absolutely nothing wrong with marrying for love btw but it doesn't mean these other reasons are invalid or make a marriage somehow less real

anyway I'm very pro marriage of convenience, I'm not a professional (what would that even be, marriage counselor maybe? lawyer? idk but I'm not it) these are literally just my thoughts

[yourtoradorasextendedwarranty]

It's honestly something I've been talking about for years but I had been discussing this for some time in the 2010's when a person's entire personality could be defined by their sexual orientation.

And I'm specifically talking about the people who would be like, "I eat gay, I walk gay, I sleep gay, I breathe gay. So literally everything about me and all I do is the most gay thing ever." Or in better terms. Narcissistic little sh*ts.

And of course my broader point, was the fact that the US is the world stage unfortunately. Everything that happens here is broadcast essentially worldwide at almost all times. So if the rest of the world, including third and second world countries, see stuff like the shooting by a trans person, high-end levels of narcissism, kink and debauchery at Pride parades, and an attempt to indoctrinate and harm kids......... What exactly do they think other countries around the world are going to do?

The short answer? They're going to outright place of bans on LGBT people. They're going to place bans on Pride parades and public actions involving gay people. Some countries might even go so far is to imprison, castrate or purge their LGBT populations to avoid any of this happening.

Unfortunately, a lot of people don't understand that their actions can have global effects sometimes. Especially if we're talking about the rights of a minority group. Rights of which aren't even being removed. Because here's the thing. Drag queens are not LGBT, they are performers. Drag queens never used to be even associated with being trans. Because drag shows used to be something akin to clown shows. They were over exaggerated versions of feminine standards worn by men. And then strutting around as if they were on a catwalk.

Then at some point, they became associated with being trans. Because apparently wanting to look like a woman 10% to 30% of the time somehow makes you the opposite sex all the time. But it gets more dumb than that. With the vast and increasing numbers of detransitions that are leaving children and young adults sterilized and mutilated, I'm not even remotely surprised if legislation would be passed that would mitigate that harm.

And if you think having to wait until you're past the age of adulthood, and having to go through actual proper channels of psychological help/evaluation, is the same thing as genocide. You're dishonest. You're a narcissist. You are uninformed. And you are a arrogant piece of shit.

Genocide is an attempt at absolute eradication of a group of people. Being trans used to mean being transsexual. Which was something that would get diagnosed and you could actually have insurance take care of your doctor's bills for. It was also appropriately labeled as a mental illness. This, right up until, it was either the CDC or the world health organization, decided that they didn't want trans people to be stigmatized anymore. And they thought removing the classification of mental illness would help.

Unfortunately however it hasn't helped, and it has made things much worse. And not just that, it made getting help for actual trans people that much harder. But also 98% of people who are transsexual wanted to surgically transition at one point. But only after they were positive that's what they wanted. And they were positive they were ready for it, and had received the proper mental and emotional help.

Nowadays, if a three or four year old grabs a dress or tries to imitate mommy or daddy they are immediately considered trans. And worse than that, we've allowed an easy out for people with Munchausen by proxy. Now if mommy or daddy wanted a different sex baby they can literally just force that on their kid. And because radical trans activists don't actually give a damn about the health of children. What ends up happening is these parents are allowed to indoctrinate and pressure their children and to believing they are something that they probably are not. (And if you try to tell me that's impossible consider how many cases of detransions there are. KIDS are impressionable. More so when you stunt their development with chemicals)

I honestly wonder how many people have to die and be harmed by this movement before people start taking a good look at what's happening and decide enough is enough. I've already seen posts from activist types and from trans people blaming the government rather than blaming the shooter. I've already seen people say that the kids deserve it for being christians. And I've also seen Democrats and activist stand on the grave of these children for political brownie points.

If you're trans and you're not raising your voice about these types of people and how you are not aligned in any way with them, you will be lumped in with them. And eventually, it is possible that you will actually lose rights. Because I promise you second and third world countries are currently removing them because of incidents like this. And it'll come for the 1st world countries next.

[sizzlingpatrolfox]

Bighit released a statement it seems

I'm a couple of days later but yeah, they released the same repetitive tired statement they've been giving since 2019, or even before. It doesn't confirm nor deny the photos, or the dating like they did in previously reports. Not to even mention that there's nothing "ill-intentioned" in dating rumours. They also don't make it clear who they're going against. My opinion is that they're not going against anybody. Nobody is getting sued by hybe, no sites are being closed, no legal notices are being sent.

Maybe it's too crazy for me (us) to have strong opinions on something we don't know the 100% of, and obviously none of us know how lawsuits work in hybe or who are they suing to begin with, but shouldn't there be some visible results by now? Why are they always giving out statements about suing people and dealing with the hate, but there's never... literally never been a statement about the hate actually having been dealt with.

Because this happened recently, it came to mind when I was talking about this with another army.

Translation of the statement:

They say that person has been making malicious posts against IU since 2019. This is what I mean when I say that we don't actually know how these lawsuits work, or when did they start the process, because it's been 3 years since 2019 and just now there's been results. Maybe we'll see BTS antis getting a sentence in 2025. I just really really really doubt that hybe is doing anything. I don't believe them anymore 🤷‍♀️ it's a "the boy who cried wolf" situation.

Either way, this is not the first or only time that I remember seeing statements like this from IU's firm. I was looking for more but there are so many tweets about her, and I suck at finding stuff. I came across this tho.

And Heechul is not the only idol who thinks this way of her.

Also, while I'm at it and because there was another ask with a link to a twitter page against Jimin, not the death threat one, it was a different one. I wanted to say that I won't post anything that's just mindless, blind hate. Towards Jimin or towards any member. I can and I even encourage criticism, like I couldn't care less if you think a member is ugly or lazy or arrogant or whatever. I would probably be the first to call them that lmao. But with Jimin, things have been out of control for years and it won't stop. Jimin and Jungkook haven't been seen together or actually interacting since April and yet, taekookers, taehyung stans (the two are the same group of people btw) and to a lesser extent, jk stans are all still running their mouths and working harder on trying to defame him and his family. His family wtf!! So I hope it's even clearer for jikookers especially that it was never a "jikook anti" thing; they only hate Jimin. They don't actually gaf who is Jungkook sleeping with or not. Fortunately, Jimin doesn't seem to see any of it because he doesn't go online.

It was actually what Heechul said that made me think of that. He says that it doesn't matter how much help you get, you get brainwashed by reading the hate comments against yourself. As much as taekookers and the like talk on twitter, Jimin has never really had anything "happen" to him like what happened with his unpaid health insurance thing. And when that happened, even if he was releasing music at the time, he went MIA. I don't know if it was a coincidence, or not. But let's say it wasn't a coincidence. Many people even think that he told the members to not show support for the song the same way they did with everyone else on Earth. I disagree with this, but let's consider it for a while for the point I'm trying to make. Jimin is one of the members that's the most targeted in online communities, for whatever reason. Coincidentally, or not, he's also the only member who has talked about not going online at all. I can't know for a fact if there's a correlation between him not using social media and the hate, but I can make assumptions because he actually stopped being so active during the time the hate was getting worse. I know JK was MIA for a while too after some of the things about him people turned into scandals. Tho to be fair I do believe 2022 Jungkook doesn't deal with it the same way 2019 would've. Latest he's said is that he "monitors everything."

Now, on the other hand you have Taehyung who is comfortable enough to be on weverse 24/7, to browse twitter enough to find fanarts with less than 2k likes, to come online when there are photos of him and his girlfriend being leaked, to start a live in his own living room with his poster of a movie that many find very disturbing. He even said in 2020 that weverse was the place the went to looking for people's affection. And some people were sad about him, how he's so brave for smiling to fans and acting like nothing is happening. Have they considered the insane idea that maybe... He doesn't care at all? That maybe there's nothing he's scared of?

Maybe it speaks about the way each of them handles the things they have to see being said about themselves, or maybe it just speaks about the kind of things people say about them in the first place. For some it might've come to a point where they realized it's not even worth it to try and see what people are thinking about you, while for others they might've never actually come across anything that would make them step away completely. Maybe there's no correlation at all between all these events and I'm just seeing things where there isn't anything. But one thing I know is that nobody has ever trended #HappyBirthdayGorilla in Korea for Taehyung's birthday.

Either way, even if the whole thing about Jimin is all hypothetical, what Heechul said it's true. Jimin is not the only or the first and definitely won't be the last celebrity that doesn't use social media. Even people like Taylor Swift don't look up for people's opinions online. You get conditioned to thinking the worst of yourself if you're exposed for too much time to those type of comments. It doesn't even need to be online hate, it could be from your own family or friends or teachers.

Anyways, I don't really know what prompted all of this but that tweet about Jimin actually made me feel disgusted and kind of sad, and it's been a long while since I felt like that. I wouldn't even care if I thought people had actual, real reasons to hate him or call him the names they call him. But the sad thing about it is that they don't have any reason to. Everything bad they believe about him is in their heads and not anywhere else.

[nerves-nebula]

Oh wow, that sounds really cool that you're in such a prestigious school! Especially since they paid you to go too, that's really great. If I could help with research I would, I love learning new things :]

If this isn't too odd/big an ask (and if it is, don't worry about answering!) how do you get to a point where a school would pay you to go?

I'd love to go to college or university, but I have to work rn to try and save up and something like that might be the difference between going broke or not. Alas I haven't anyone that'd cover the charges, I've been encouraged not to go to school actually. I graduated high school with a (grade 12) 96% average if that means anything?

most of my projects aren't super research heavy, except for a history class, where I've gotta research a Japanese designer called Tadanori Yokoo. But I'm focusing on other stuff right now. Got a lotta poster presketches and drafts due next week.

I'm from the USA, so this might not be any help at all if you're outside of it. Which you might be, since you called it "grade 12" and I don't think I've heard anyone in the states call it that.

Anyway, here's my wayyy too long ramble about it:

short answer to how I personally got money from art schools is that I had a good portfolio and got accepted. But really, it ultimately depended on the schools financial aid budget.

I got accepted to every art school I applied too, and most offered me some money, whether that be a scholarship or in the form of financial aid. But like I said before, none were enough for me to actually go, since my family is kinda poor.

BUT the school I'm going to right now is rich enough to basically give any students who are poor but got accepted a huge discount on tuition. Or just completely drop tuition entirely and only charge us for room and board, as well as some other fees like health insurance or w/e.

But you also have to take out student loans, because the school doesn't just wanna give you money for FREE.

And that all depends on how much money you or the person supporting you makes. And even then, they expected my mom to be able to contribute way more than she was able to.

Actually, I don't think she helped pay for my first year at all. That's why I worked at McDonalds for a while before school started, so I'd have at least the first few payments ready. I ended up having to ask my dad for money (he doesn't give my mom money to spend on us anymore cause she can't be trusted LMAO), as well as using all $2,000 of an outside scholarship I won exclusively on monthly payments. So "expected" contribution is still a pretty rough estimate on the schools part.

this is all to say it was a really annoying process and I'm currently racking up a ton of debt. Which I might not have to worry about cause my girlfriend gets paid a lot and said with her salary she could probably pay it off in no time.

So let it be known that despite my struggles I am in an extremely privileged position by having someone who I can reliably have help me with college payments.

and that's not even touching on non-art focused colleges. I have NO idea how they decide who gets what money. As far as free/low cost college goes, I think most people's only chance is to get some kind of scholarship, take out a lot of loans and commit yourself to debt, or see if your states community college has more affordable tuition. I mean, if your lucky your state might even have FREE community college.

[cynicalrecoverysociety]

Long journal post ahead!

Now that I'm double married it's time to return to normal life. Normal is honestly not the right word because my normal is not what I'm aiming for right now. I want to actively work on making my normal better again while I have been pretty much in stasis mode for some months now. The weddings and vacations while very fun really took all my extra time and attention, especially since work has been in mandatory OT for so long I can't remember what 10 hour shifts feel like anymore. Now my husband (!!! I am still newly married enough I LOVE calling him my husband and get a little thrill every time I do) and I are buckling down to save up and buy a house. I got two raises and he is now on my health insurance, time to start SAVING. And in addition, I want to lose weight again. I have built up some great exercise habits over the last year and it's now time to work on my binge eating and food addiction again. I binged HARD after the wedding since we had so much food and cake leftover and it was honestly pretty over the top. And I've been buying more frozen food/soda/snacks lately and it's starting to get out of hand too. I haven't drank much lately but I've definitely been eating a lot more to cope with the wedding stress. But I don't want this slip to become a slide and it stops here.

I have a grocery plan for tomorrow and the coming weeks. For the months of March we aren't going to buy anything but groceries, so I need to stock the fridge and pantry which after not shopping for this long is completely bare. Starting tomorrow off with therapy, then some skincare at Ulta, then Costco and Walmart. That will have us well stocked for the next week, and ready to get back in my shopping schedule the week after. Then on March 1 I have the day 1 of my ✨new program✨. I'm honestly not sure what all it will entail yet? I use the Blogilates app for my workouts and they have this feature called Journey that I've never really looked at before. It appears to be food/exercise/mood tracking and an exercise program that ties in. Who knows if I'll like it, but I already love the workouts so if their approach to food tracking appeals to me more the better. I'm always trying to find a way to track my intake that isn't either meticulous and time consuming or wildly inaccurate (probably doesn't exist but a girl can dream). Who knows if it'll be a good fit, but it's worth a shot.

It feels somewhat disingenuous to have such a specific start date. I've always been the kind of person that doesn't wait for tomorrow, if I decide to make a change it happens right this minute. And normally, I think that approach is the shortest route to success. This time, I think giving myself a couple of days to breathe and plan isn't the worst idea. I'm still recovering from the wedding emotionally (I wish it wasn't such a big drain but it was and I'm definitely not 100%) and the needed activities of going to therapy and going shopping are both necessary and draining. I think giving myself enough grace on that is important. But the combination of the delayed start and the superficial thrill of the workout gear I bought recently makes me feel like a huge faker. Like I'll buy all these vegetables and yoga mats and be like. "I'll change my life tomorrow!" While it all rots and collects dust. I . . . don't feel like that's the case even with my recent track record. I'm not at my best these days but I'm still working out at just a couple times a week and eating vegetables most days.

I can definitely feel this as a self confidence thing on my end. Because if I look at my track record, if I start a program similar to this one, I have always finished it. Twice I've started month long programs using this service, and twice I have done 100% of the program. And even if I am somewhat less consistent when not in a program such as that, I am still working out several times a week. How much faith do I have in myself for using this equipment? None. Even though I find myself in the position at least once a week of wishing I had weights or resistance bands to more accurately follow my workout calendar, I for some reason think that being excited for my new equipment is a feeling only people who buy workout equipment they never use have. Can you tell I'm a bit of a train wreck? I guess at least I'll have something to talk about in therapy tomorrow.

Anyway. That whole long ramble to say I'm starting a new program thing in a few days. I'm excited, and also decided to have complicated feelings about it for no reason which is completely on brand for me.

New name, new diary 🖤

[all-chickens-are-trans]

CN: mentions of misgendering, transphobia, classism

so if we assume that both harry hart and eggsy unwin are trans men (which they are, i've decided), then the first thing that comes to mind for me is the question of transitioning, 'passing', and access to trans healthcare.

now, harry is born into all the wealth and privilege he needs to take whatever transition steps he wants and needs. I don't know the exact state of trans health care in the UK (other than that it's getting worse and worse), but I think it's safe to assume that, even if Harry came out years or even decades ago, he could have easily gotten access to all kinds of medical transition that were available at the time. now, i'm not usually one to center trans experience around medical transitioning - i think it's reductive, throws a lot of trans people under the bus who can't or don't want to transition medically for various reasons, etc. But in this case? I think it matters. Because none of the money and status harry has can free him of the burden of growing up and living in an inherently conservative, definitely sexist and most likely queerphobic environment. now, when you're wealthy and ~~different in any way, you probably mostly have two options: become eccentric (like dandies or similar rich people subcultures) or try to blend in. and because blending in is vital to Harry both for being a gentleman and a Kingsman, 'passing' and eventually going stealth is compulsory. which is why i assume not many people even know that Harry isn't a cis man. Any queerness observed from him by his fellow wealthy, aristocratic peers, is quietly assumed to be homosexuality (which is also true for Harry), and therefore not discussed.

for eggsy, it's quite a different matter. if trans healthcare in the UK is as bad as I think it is, it's very likely that Eggsy doesn't have proper access to any of it, maybe not even hrt. (uk folks, can anyone tell me if hrt is covered by insurance in the uk?) 'passing' is a privilege, and eggsy can't afford it. i think, compared to harry, eggsy had his trans awakening pretty early in life, but while harry was able to act on his as soon as he realized, eggsy probably didn't do much about it for quite some time. sure, he changed up his wardrobe, maybe his hair, maybe eventually he told a few people about his switch to he/him pronouns. but i think in general, he just lived with the fact that people in public would misgender him, and tried to shrug it off as best as he could. (I think he eventually left the military because he couldn't bear the misgendering and the inherent sexism and queerphobia of it anymore, but that's maybe for a different post.)

so, when Harry meets Eggsy, recognizes a fellow trans man in him and tries to sell to him the idea of becoming a Kingsman - do you think one of his selling points would be access to medical transition? It might be, especially because Harry probably assumes that that's what every trans person would naturally want - to blend in. but eggsy's becoming part of Kingsman is a lot about navigating his identity, and about questioning which parts to keep and which new things to take on, and it all comes down to, 'there are things from the past worth holding onto, even though others might see them as a flaw'. so, yeah. maybe Eggsy really has to consider that offer. he has lived for so long without any of that, that he hasn't even given it much thought what he would want if he could do anything. no matter what he ends up deciding, I don't think being stealth is ever completely a goal of his. he's better than all of those rich old guys BECAUSE he's working class and trans, not despite of it. he isn't ashamed of that.

and more than anything, I want harry to see that, and to learn something from it. i want him to see that he doesn't have to cover himself in shame, that he doesn't have to make up for anything. he's not a gentleman because others treat him as such, he is one because he strives to be a better man than he was yesterday, and that's all that matters.

[ellaintrigue]

I'll spare this post the picture of me covered in blood in my car that I sent Erin, LOL.

I was just sick for about 4 weeks, probably with covid. I didn't get tested since I stay at home anyway and I am no longer contagious now and just got vaccinated. It wrecked my sinuses though, my nose kept getting slightly bloody, nothing major. But I had a fever, chills, delirium, and was coughing my ass off.

Finally it ebbed away but the past few days I kept getting worse nose bleeds, and it's so hard to wipe your boogers when there's scabs. So the day before yesterday I picked one and cussed myself, made sure I didn't do it anymore. Yesterday I did it again anyway and it bled bad. More self loathing.

It stopped and I went about my day, then I gently wiped my nose and literal torrents of blood came out of my nostril. I had never bled that bad in my life, it really freaked me the fuck out. I was already frustrated with work, life, and having to go out just to buy a new phone charger. On top of a bad period, I haven't been right since my gynecological problems in January. I cried out of fear and frustration and bled for 15 minutes despite holding my nose shut. Yuck!!

About 6 hours later I was laying in bed, not touching my nose or snorting or anything in the least and it started raining torrents of blood again. I mean, bad. There was a point where it was like someone was dumping a glass of water the blood was coming down so hard. I put a chip bag clip on my nose and put a bra on. I never go out without a bra, that's a major comfort thing. I ran out still in my pajamas and started that Oldsmobile after calling my dad to tell him I was going to the hospital.

I walked in covered in blood and sat down, there was 8 other people in the waiting room and a skinny tattooed chick in a heavy exaggerated sounding Southern accent whining on and on about how she had waited forever and the hospital might as well just be killing people. She said she was going to pee her pants and make staff clean it up. There was a bathroom a few doors down so I went and peed and washed some blood off but there was so much it wasn't worth it.

I started coughing up blood in the rag I had held to my face so I spit these giant blobs of shit into it and shoved it in my purse and put a mask on. I felt the tattooed chick staring at me as she continued to whine loudly and make exaggerated sighs with her boyfriend or husband. I felt like smacking the shit out of her because we shouldn't compare traumas and I don't know what she was in there for but no one wanted to hear her shit, especially the one older woman leaning over in pain in her wheelchair, her body obviously warped from many health issues.

More people flooded in including a 300+ pound woman in a mask that said "THIS MASK IS USELESS JUST LIKE BIDEN." They were having people come into a room to get their vitals checked so after I got mine they ushered the big woman in. She waddled back out and said in a surprised voice, "they said my blood pressure was high." Shocker.

Two staff members ushered people into rooms and the tatted chick bitched louder "WHY DO THOSE PEOPLE GET SPECIAL TREATMENT?" Finally a doctor came and got me, to the anger of the woman. "Why does she get an actual doctor?" He sat me down in a room that said "family room" and apologized, saying all their beds were full, hence all the people waiting in the lobby. He asked me what had happened, stuck a speculum up my nose, and shined his cellphone flashlight at it, confirming a torn blood vessel. He said it wasn't big enough to cauterize and it might not be good to pack it, so I asked him what to do. He gave some instructions I didn't see online before and some other tips. He gave me a nose clamp and said if it got worse to come back and then he would do something.

He was nice but I wish he could have burned it anyway. My body and system are compromised but not to the point where he felt it would effect nose bleeds. A woman came in to get my insurance card and said she was overwhelmed by all of the tourists flooding the waiting room. And I get that, I dealt with tourists for years. I know my issue might not have been super major but I also felt some of those people could have just gone to urgent care. One looked like she had bad sunburn. I think people like the woman crumpled in the wheelchair needed an ER bed more. I know I didn't need a bed, I was happy with the doctor just giving me somewhat of a clear. That amount of blood was scary and I knew I needed to get it checked out.

I left and went to Rite Aid to get some stuff the doctor talked about and some tampons. I've never bought tampons in my life because I medically can't use them but they can be stuffed up my snout if need be.

When I got home my kitties were worried about me except for the old one who didn't move and lay there looking dead. I woke up at midnight spouting blood again so now my room really looks like someone got murdered in it. So we shall see how it goes. In times like these it feels like I got one foot out the door.