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yellowmagicalgirl · 4 years ago

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memories for when morning comes

An average afternoon and morning for Claire after ae stopped the Eternal Night.

This fic was, for the most part, written to spite an asshole on FFN who was complaining about how I use ae/aer pronouns for when I decide to specify that Claire is nonbinary in a fic, as opposed to they/them or she/her pronouns. Guess what? Ae/aer pronouns were first used in 1920, and even if they weren’t that old then one should still respect pronouns (especially for real people, though if this person is complaining about my pronoun choice for a fictional wizard I worry about how they’d treat real people who use neopronouns). (The other reasons I had for writing this were my own personal gender frustrations as well as just how it’s been a while since I wrote Claire.)

Title comes from “Welcome to Wonderland” by Anson Seabra, aka a song I found on a nonbinary pride playlist ;)

This fic isn’t Wizards compliant

Content/Spoiler Warning: Isolation, hopelessness, implied/referenced self harm, and introspection on misgendering and death

AO3

FFN

Claire wrapped aer arms around aerself and winced as even through the fabric ae could feel just how frozen aer hands were. That was the problem with having small, thin fingers. Aer circulation was pretty bad in aer hands. Sometimes, when aer nail polish was chipped, Claire’s could see how the natural color of aer nails changed to a pastel blue-violet tone, as opposed to the healthy pink that aer nails were supposed to be.

Speaking of supposed to be, where was Jim? He was supposed to be here ten minutes ago. Claire fought the urge to check aer phone again. He would be here any minute now, and if he had gotten caught up in some sort of trollhunting business, he wouldn’t be able to tell aer at the time. But, ae was tempted to go find a bench and pull out aer homework. That way, ae could at least do something useful instead of just waste aer energy shivering and feeling anxious.

Ae shouldn’t be so anxious. They had saved the world years ago, and aside from the occasional goblin nest or gnome uprising there hadn’t been any problems. Jim had retrieved the stone that allowed him to walk in the daylight, and had found out that he didn’t have to actually change as much about his diet as he had planned. It was small things, like coating his salad in dressing and eating his steak rare. The supernatural world was at peace. Morgana was dead and would never be able to hurt anyone ever again. But, sadly, Claire had been diagnosed with anxiety long before ae had learned the truth about the creatures that lurked in the shadows. Ae sighed before walking over to the nearest bench. It was warm underneath the late January sunbeam. Ae pulled out aer phone, but ae didn’t check the time. Ae placed an earbud in each of aer ears, reaching up at the same time to run one of aer hands through the fade of aer hair before reaching the curly faux hawk at the top and curling aer fingers into it. Perhaps it couldn’t be considered a proper fade, not anymore, not when Claire had decided to let it grow out for the winter months so the chill wouldn’t permeate so directly into aer skull.

Claire let aerself become pulled into the loud rock music blasting from their earbuds as ae pulled out a textbook from aer backpack and began to read. Ae didn’t notice anyone approach aer until a blue, four-fingered hand stopped aer from turning the page.

“Oh,” Claire said, pulling out aer earbuds. Aer boyfriend stood in front of aer, one hand behind his back. “There you are.”

“Yeah, sorry,” Jim said. “Mom was trying to cook and, well, it was going well until the kitchen towel started catching fire. But, I have something to make up for it!” He thrust his arm out from behind his back, revealing the bouquet of violets.

“Jim, I, thank you,” Claire said, tracing the softness of the flowers.

He smiled down at aer. “Of course, anything for my handsome Juliet.”

“You wouldn’t happen to have a vase or anything, would you?”

Jim scratched the base of his horns sheepishly and opened his mouth, probably to say that no, he hadn’t planned that far ahead for their date.

And ae woke up.

All of Claire’s dreams were bad dreams. Some of them were memories, and they happened more often if Claire fell asleep in front of the haunted TV that showed all of the times that ae had been scared. Some of them were an amalgamation of horrible things that ae had heard about and things that Morgana had done or intended to do to her victims.

The worst type of dream, though, was neither of those two. No, the worst type of dream wasn’t bad when it was happening. It was a wonderful, beautiful, pleasant escape from the horrible reality that Claire had doomed aerself to. Ae would wake up in the Shadow Realm and know that Jim was dead and everyone assumed that Claire was dead as well. That their beloved friend had died to save the world. Or worse, their beloved daughter or sister.

Claire had died before ae had come out to anyone except for Enrique. It was after Jim had rescued aer brother from the Darklands, but before Morgana had taken a hold on Claire’s body and mind. Well, a stronger hold than Claire merely just using the Shadow Staff.

Ae had been alone, and ae had started talking to him. Practicing how ae’d come out to aer friends and family and boyfriend, even though ae hadn’t been ready. Enrique was the only one who knew who Claire really was, and he was a baby. He wouldn’t understand, and he wouldn’t remember Claire talking to him, and he would grow up hearing about the sister he once had who never actually existed in the way everyone thought Claire had.

(There was a possibility that there was one other person who knew the truth about Claire, but ae didn’t want to think about it, didn’t want to think about how the woman who called Claire Child instead of Daughter might be doing so as a sign of some horrible mimicry of respect. Really, Claire would have rather have had aer bodily and spiritual autonomy respected and be misgendered than for Morgana to respect that Claire wasn’t a girl but then turn around and treat aer like ae wasn’t a person, just a weapon.)

Enrique wouldn’t remember his older sibling’s monologues about aer gender frustration. Perhaps it was for the best. Claire hadn’t been meaning to actually tell aer brother, or else ae would have gone to NotEnrique instead, because out of the two brothers ae had the changeling was the one who actually knew more than ten words. It was just easier to talk to a listening ear than aer stuffed animals or a mirror (and that was before mirrors were a reminder of aer trauma). It had been practice for something terrifying that Claire would never have to do. Never get to do. Hadn’t been ready to do. Ae had never gotten around to deciding upon a more specific label than nonbinary. Between the dread that came with the possibility of someone finding aer trying to do research, and all of aer responsibilities, ae had never really had the time. And of course, ae knew that their were plenty of people who didn’t want a more specific label, but ae wanted one. Ae wanted a more specific label, if only so ae could list out all the reasons and point to something that explained that Claire wasn’t the only one. And instead, ae had waited too long and no one would know.

The trolls would have probably reacted well, since trollish gender was rather different than human gender. Jim and Toby probably would have been okay with aer as well, since they had reacted well to aer being bi and they were respectively bi and pan themselves.

Mary and Darci? Back in middle school, Darci had followed Claire to a few GSA meetings but as far as Claire knew she was there as an ally. And while Claire had seen the way that Mary sometimes looked at Shannon, Mary had never done anything else to indicate that she was anything other than straight and cis.

Aer parents? Claire knew that they loved aer. Besides, they wouldn’t have thrown aer out, if only because Ophelia was a politician on the left end of the political spectrum. But, aer family was Catholic, and ae wasn’t even out to them as bisexual, and that was at least something they might believe aer on. Aer dad might even be more relaxed if Claire had a (cis) girlfriend than with any boy ae could date, trollhunter or otherwise. And if aer dad was on aer side, then maybe he could convince aer mom to accept that their child was bisexual. Maybe, considering just how many arguments Claire had had with aer mom about how Claire couldn’t be her perfect daughter. How could Claire possibly convince aer parents that ae wasn’t their daughter at all? Granted, there was the possibility that they’d be to ecstatic to care about the gender binary when Claire escaped -

No. Ae was never going to escape the Shadow Realm.

Ae slipped out of bed, undoing one of aer long white braids. It had always had the tendency to get horrifically tangled, and that was before aer magic made it so aer hair moved in an otherwise imaginary hurricane. It would tangle enough to make aer cry. Braids were easier. Braids, or short enough hair that Claire wouldn’t have to worry about it tangling, but ae didn’t trust aerself with blades so close to aer own skin.

Ae had mastered walking around aer house as silently as possible. Perhaps ae had become a shadow of aerself here. Silent, and trying not to cause a stir, not to draw attention to aerself.

Claire gazed out aer window to the dark landscape of the Shadow Realm. Morgana was out there.

Or, maybe, ae had become more of aerself here. The shadows obeyed aer will, after all. So had the Shadow Staff. Aer will, and not Morgana’s. It had been so surprisingly easy to steal away the scepter of the Eldritch Queen. Perhaps it had been seeking a monarch as shadowy as itself.

Ae hadn’t had the time for researching and trying to find the perfect label to describe their gender. Now, ae had nothing but time to think and solitude to not worry about someone walking in on aer research. Now, ae had no access to anything that could give aer answers. Ae had tried, but there wasn’t a WiFi connection in the Shadow Realm. Ae couldn’t look anything up online, and it wasn’t like there were any books in the Nuñez household to help aer find the perfect word to describe aer gender.

And yet, Claire felt that ae could call their gender a shadowy void and ae would be incredibly accurate.

A/N: Is Jim actually dead in this? Probably not; Claire is probably just making an assumption because the last time ae saw aer boyfriend he had just jumped in the way of a magical blast that had been meant to take out Claire and aer friends.

#jlaire #claire nuñez #jim lake jr #troll!jim #trollhunters #tales of arcadia #nonbinary!claire #my writing

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im-the-punk-who · 4 years ago

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Idk if ur the right person to send this to so feel free to ignore if you aren't but I'm beginning to realize that I might be a trans guy after years of thinking I'm enby and I'm really struggling with that? I've received a lot of the messages over the years about how men are bad and violent and I've also experienced a lot of gender based violence before I was out. I know intellectually that there's nothing wrong with manhood and yet I'm still really struggling. Idk do you have any thoughts on learning to accept your own manhood

Okay! Sorry this took a few days to answer but this is...definitely still a complicated thing for me, too.

First off I wanna say that whether you end up identifying as a binary trans man or somewhere in between that and nonbinary, that is very cool and valid and all of this can apply no matter where on the spectrum of masculinity you ultimately end up falling.

I saw a post which explains the basic thesis of what I'm gonna say, which is that your gender does not equal your morality.

Tumblr in particular really likes to go hard on the misandry and it can be really hard not to internalize that. Especially when it comes in the form of so many jokes, and especially especially when some of it does line up with experiences you’ve had. The biggest thing to realize, is that just *being a man* doesn't make you inherently violent or toxic or bad. All of the things that Tumblr and feminism in general tends to equate to “being a man = bad” are things that are learned or encouraged over time, no matter how much terfs like to insist they are traits inherent in being born with a y chromosome.

(And yes, these misandry arguments ALL have their basis in gender essentialism and in arguing why trans people can’t exist.)

As this relates to trans men, it becomes akin to walking a tightrope our entire lives. In both society at large and LGBT spaces we're made to fit as close as possible into gender norms to avoid violence or oppression(or the insistence we’re really just lesbians or self-hating cishets). But we also have first hand experience of the ways in which men are *socialized* to behave being harmful and don’t want to perpetuate them and be labeled a ‘bad person’. So we have to constantly walk this line of, I suppose trying to act manly enough while also trying not to cause waves (And, AS A NOTE, does that sound eerily similar to the argument most feminists say is purely a feminine experience? Is it almost like the very system that seeks to free cis women through hatred of men perpetrates those exact same systems onto other marginalized communities?)

And I will say, this is something I still struggle with. A lot. It's not going to be something you can take a magic pill for and never have to worry about again. I started transitioning almost a decade ago and I'm still trying to find the balance. Cis men can spend their *whole lives* trying to find that balance. I know quite a few - in case it feels like this is a purely trans experience. Reckoning with the way that male privilege has socialized men to harm at the same time radical feminism has socialized everyone it can that all men intentionally cause harm is a universal experience among men who are aware of it.

It's not easy, and I guess just...if you feel like you're struggling on that front as you continue your gender journey(Laynie i hate you i hate you i hate you) try to remind yourself that you're not alone. And that what you’re fighting against is a systemic socialization, not something inherent in yourself. You’re going to screw up - that doesn't make you a bad person or a bad man.

I listen a lot to Brene Brown.

I know people are probably sick of hearing me talk about her, but she is a shame researcher who honestly helped me a LOT in realizing why I was feeling so bad about parts of my personality or my gender expression. She’s excellent. If you find you’re having a lot of trouble reckoning with being this thing you have perceived as bad for a very long time, I highly recommend listening to some of her ted talks and other speeches. Most of them are on youtube.

For a long time I was trying to base my gender off of what I thought people would love. I went over the top, dressed in popular styles, was WAY more feminine than I actually feel, and tried to make myself as unassuming as possible - in part because of childhood trauma but also because I was genuinely ashamed to be a man(particularly a gay man) because I had internalized the idea that men - especially gay men - were woman-haters. (And, because I hated *myself* as a woman, I thought that I also hated women, and I thought that I must be one of those Bad Gays.)

But once I stopped trying to do that? Once I was like ‘no I’m actually a gay-up man’ and stopped berating myself for not liking my feminie body and hating the parts of myself that I didn’t identify with but felt forced to perform? Once I started looking at what made *me* happy and not other people? It became so much easier to not feel those things.

SO I guess, what I’m saying is that the best way to deal with internalized misandry is to try to forgive yourself, and recognize that the things that men perpetrated against you and that people say are ‘toxic male traits’ are not *inherent* to being a man. They are things that are taught to men(both cis and trans) by society. And also that like, these are also things that are not just inherent to men. Any toxic trait that a man exhibits a woman can too - and yeah there’s a discussion about how the general power imbalance between men and women makes it less likely a woman would cause as much damage but honestly? If you’re on tumblr you’re most likely in female dominated spaces where arguably that isn’t true, especially with the number of fucking TERFS on this website.

Also....you do not inherit cismale privilege just by identifying as a man. No matter how far you take your transition, you are *always* going to be at a different level of privilege from a cisman. Even if you transition as far as you are able to right now and live and pass as a cisman for the rest of your life, you are not a cisman and that is going to affect how you move through the world.

(That doesn’t mean you are not a *man* because you are not cis, btw. Just that there are things that cismen don’t have to worry about that are going to affect your life - things like ovarian cancer, breast cancer, hormonal dependence, corrective abuse, medical shortages, physical differences that out transpeople - there are a hundred things that trans men have to experience throughout their lives that cismen are never, ever going to deal with. And yes, this goes for transwomen / cis women as well.)

Something that helped me become comfortable living as a man was to look at specific traits of the men in my life. Why did I feel comfortable around this man, but not others, what red flags physically or emotionally did this behavior set off in me? And then focusing on those specific *behaviors* rather than the men themselves. If you can separate the individual traits from an overarching idea of 'manhood' that might be helpful in feeling like you can inhabit manhood without being toxic.

Basically, my best advice is to tell yourself that what makes you a man does not make you inherently toxic. In fact what makes *all* men, men, does not make them inherently toxic. Men are not trash just because they’re men, and the fight against misandry *is* a fight for marginalized people. It hurts transmasculine people in exactly the ways you are hurting. No matter what TERFs say - no matter what male-critical or whatever they’re calling themselves to not have to call themselves TERFs say - men are not born evil, or bad, or trash.

Toxic masculinity is a learned behavior. It is not something you are given the day you start identifying as a man, and it is not something you have to perpetuate.

Calling it anything else does a disservice to everyone who identifies as masculine of center but especially trans men, who have to reckon with this exact knowledge that in affirming who they are, certain people are going to hate them and call them monsters and tell them they are trash and unworthy of loving without hurting.

And that shit just isn’t true. It isn’t fucking true! Men are not toxic just because they are men, and you are not a bad person just because you are a transman. That’s, I suppose, the best advice I can offer you. I hope it helps, and I also just want to reiterate that I hope you find affirmation in whatever you end up deciding. <3 <3 <3

#milo answers #gender #queer tag #transmasc #anon i hope you see this i know its a few days since you sent it #anon #Anonymous #long post

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icewindandboringhorror · 4 years ago

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Okay, here’s a final answer, just for clarification -

Firstly, please understand that I’m not angry, and I’m not upset. I just tend to speak very matter of factly, I guess? If I seem cold or something when typing this response, it's not a personal attack towards you or some display of aggression, that's just how I word things sometimes, I don't mean for them to be misinterpreted or want you to think I’m like getting mad with you or etc. Me disagreeing does not inherently equal me being mad about something, it merely means that I disagree, which is an emotion neutral action. If someone said 2+2 = 6, I would disagree, and openly so, but that doesn’t mean I’d also be like, crying about it or upset with them or something lol.

I actually even stated so at the end of my tags last time -

So, I apologize if you interpreted my tone as being mean, but I was simply trying to be firm and direct in how I said things so you understand that it's a very serious matter, and I didn't want to be light about it.

There was a bit of jokiness/sarcasm/exaggeration as well I suppose, but again, that’s not an inherent indicator of upset, just the way I speak - especially when your question can be seen as rude to begin with (which usually leads people to care less about faking positive emotions or seeming polite to others. If a person is not polite to you, you’re not likely to watch how you communicate as much or attempt to display high politeness back). My default state is a neutral flatness as I have a very shallow emotional range (shout out to schizophrenia spectrum negative symptoms and other various issues lol), any excessive positivity or “perkiness” or something that I display is just an attempt to be polite and communicate with others in a simple and kindly manner (in real life I’m often seen as too stoic, blunt, detached, cold, etc. lmao, so in general communication with strangers I tend to overcompensate to being excessively polite instead) - but that also means I can accidentally drop that sometimes if I’m being “real” or whatever.

Anyway, now that concerns over my tone have hopefully been explained, I’ll address this issue about your previous ask in a numbered list. Please read ALL of this, if you are actually taking this seriously. If you don’t actually read, in detail (no skimming), this entire response, then this is not even a discussion since you’re not willing to genuinely engage in the first place. -

Firstly, here is the original ask, for reference ----

As for how your question can be rude:

(1.) In my initial response (in the tags of your answer), I asserted various things, mostly that the question was rude, and that it’s not appropriate to ask people, for a variety of reasons. I’ll explain those in more length here.

My main point is that even asking the question in the first place is rude. It doesn’t matter how specifically you word it, it’s not appropriate. Just like any personal issue. At least in my culture, it’s typically thought of as inconsiderate and inappropriate to ask random strangers personal questions. for example, it would be rude to approach a random stranger on the bus that you’ve never even seen before and ask them why the have the haircut they do, who their sexual partners are, if they’ve just had a death in the family, how well their marriage is going, what their gender is, etc. etc.

(2.) On top of this personal boundary issue, another concern would be that the nature of the question itself is baseless --

Would you ask a cis woman why they're a woman? Or a cis man why he chose to be a man? Would you ask a straight person why they chose to be straight?

Would you find it acceptable and polite if a random stranger approached you on the street and asked you for an explanation as to why you're the gender you are? Imagine that exact scenario happening to you, and if you would find it odd or overstepping boundaries at all.

I doubt you ask this same gender identity question to everyone in your life, to your parents, friends, the cashier at your grocery store. Why is it only certain groups that need to explain or justify their identities to you? Only certain groups that you feel the inherent need to question? It's a double standard which further serves to prove the question itself is unnecessary.

(3.) Additionally, in case you're genuinely unsure of tone (maybe you have difficulty reading social cues or something, that’s understandable) I will explain - the way in which the question was asked has certain implications.

The statement “Why are you nonbinary? You seem like a pretty girl to me”, implies that - due to your beliefs about me/how you see me, you find it confusing that I could have a certain identity that you see as not matching your perception of me, or that you see as an invalid label, and are asking for me to justify or explain myself/my identity to you because of that.

Even if this implied meaning was not intentional, it is what most people will interpret upon reading the question, and would be a commonly held understanding. There are other ways you could have asked the question which would be less condescending, yes, but again, the other points still stand (like that the question in itself is impolite to ask to strangers, etc.)

Again, revisit the imaginary scenario of a stranger approaching you on the street and asking you why you’re the gender you are - would there not be some of this implication present? For example, say you’re a man - would it not feel as if someone were questioning your manhood, or implying you weren’t truly a man, or must not be a man ‘correctly’, or that ‘man’ is not a valid label for how they see you? Why else would they approach you and ask you in confusion for you to justify your identity to them? The implication is that they don’t see you as a valid man, or at least not how they see a man, and thus are having a hard time accepting that someone like YOU could ever be a real man - that it’s hard for them to believe you are what you say you are, because they see you differently.

(3.a) As an additional sidenote (one which I addressed in the tags replying to you initially), your ask (as well as this more recent one) also made certain assumptions. There are plenty of people who ''look like girls'' or 'look like boys' but aren't as they “seem”, even if you're someone who only believes in a “binary biological sex model” (I’ll include some links at the end about this). It's strange to assume someone's body parts or identity just based off of pictures you see on the internet (which often have specific lighting, angles, or in the case of many people are even edited and etc. I don't do this but it's really common nowadays with phone editing apps and stuff). Just because I appear a certain way to you, in no way implies that I have the physical form and traits you assume I have Consider how you may feel invalidated or uncomfortable if people sent you messages assuming personal things about you that are incorrect or that they have no way to possibly know.

Your standards and perception are also not universal, various cultures and groups have different ideas about what outward traits would make someone considered a “man” or a “woman”, so making your judgement of someone else’s identity based only on your own (extremely shallow, since it’s only from online pictures) perception of them, is also inherently a bit flawed.

(3.b-ish side tangent) In extension to this, your ideas and how you view me are likely incorrect. Just as it is similarly true that, from afar, any assumptions I make about you would likely be inaccurate as well. We are strangers.

For example, if you really knew me, you would know that I don’t pride myself in costumes and makeup - It’s a fun creative activity for me definitely, but I feel no pride over it, I don’t do it to look good or seem a certain way, and actually I resent it in a way, because often it feels like people mostly only pay attention to blurry pictures of me looking silly in cheap wigs, but don’t give that same level of engagement to the other more important things I do that I personally care about 100x more, like my worldbuilding and other projects lol. Absolutely nothing against the people who like my costumes, I appreciate them of course!!, and I still love doing costumes - BUT, to imply that it’s a primary source of pride in my life or a characteristic that defines me over other things, would be a mischaracterization.

Anyone who knows me in real life would certainly list a million other stand-out traits to define me, rather than ‘pretty make up woman’ (most people I know in real life would also not describe me as ‘pretty’ or as a ‘woman’, just for reference lol).

Your one sided perception of me (which I’ll address in the next section) may allow you to have a shallow idea of me as some sweet pretty costume girl or something, but just know that the reality is more like: I haven’t had much time lately to do costumes because I’m working on a game and other art which I see as much more important, I haven’t bathed or brushed my hair in weeks because of mental illness/functioning issues, 99% of the time I’m not ‘’dressed up’’ - I wear the same pajamas and cardigan that I’ve worn for the past 3 years and barely wash to the point that it’s disintegrating and leaves fabric scraps around the house lol, I have a little moustache right now and a unibrow and other “””non-womanly”””” traits (at least by common media western standards, which is what I assume you go by), I’m excessively analytical, detached, and in real life you would probably see me as blunt and cold and cynical (also commonly missing social cues) - as well as being hugely asocial/ a hermit and mostly lacking the ability to form attachments to others (So definitely not ~pretty and cute and approachable~ ghgg), I have obsessive compulsive disorder and am regularly so anxious that I’m throwing up and have various other issues - I’m also not Fun or Cool or Spontaneous because I’m too busy being rigid and high strung lol (even before the pandemic, I don’t like to leave the house or interact much at all with others, I’d rather be in my little controlled environment where I don’t have overwhelming sensory information and distractions raising my anxiety constantly),, and my favorite activities are literally all just stuff like pacing around my home alone talking to myself in different voices creating gods and fake religions for my fantasy worldbuilding while I eat boiled cabbage and light little pieces of paper on fire over a candle to help me think - not doing makeup and other Pretty Woman Things.

Which I don’t want to be too harsh or focus on this tangent too much, since obviously as you don’t know me in real life, these are all things you couldn’t possibly be aware of, and it simply comes with the territory of posting publicly online - so I absolutely don’t blame you for perceiving me incorrectly. If “pretty” pictures are all you see, then that may very well be the only impression that you have. I just personally dislike this certain interpretation some people have seemed to have of me (you’re not the first person to think of me as a Pretty Makeup Girl or whatever lol), since it’s so completely opposite from the truth of who I am, I feel the need to explain it like this sometimes. Just accepting the false perception some people have of me without any argument feels disingenuous and like supporting a version of myself that doesn’t exist.

So anyway, no issue with you personally, but just trying to set the perception of me straight a little more accurately lol.. now, back on topic --

(4.) Lastly, and here’s the main thing I’d like to stress, there's the issue of personal boundaries. Again, you're a complete stranger to me, I don't know who you are, and you have no idea who I am. Even if you've followed me online for years and read every post I've ever made, you still have no idea who I truly deeply am, only a vague scattering of snapshots over time.

Here are some definitions for Parasocial Relationships:

“Parasocial relationships are one-sided relationships, where one person extends emotional energy, interest and time, and the other party, the persona, is completely unaware of the other's existence. Parasocial relationships are most common with celebrities, organizations (such as sports teams) or television stars.”

“Parasocial interaction (PSI) refers to a kind of psychological relationship experienced by an audience in their mediated encounters with performers in the mass media, particularly on television.[1] PSI is described as an illusionary experience, such that media audiences interact with personas (e.g., talk show host, celebrities, fictional characters, social media influencers) as if they are engaged in a reciprocal relationship with them. The term was coined by Donald Horton and Richard Wohl in 1956. “

This is all anyone can ever have with people they follow online. You can perceive them, but you cannot know them or truly understand them. I think this is very important to remain cognizant of in such a massive social media age, as often times people are fostering one sided concepts that are inaccurate or unhealthy (no so much with just you sending me a simple ask, but in a broader sense, how people act towards celebrities, other bloggers, etc. etc. seems to have little boundaries, and often results in a similar manner with people forgetting to maintain acceptable boundaries with those they follow or know about from afar).

-- This next part is very important, I think it’s a super valuable way of thinking about this sort of stuff, so if you take away nothing else from this, at least remember this next portion --

A very good way to think about online boundaries that I heard someone mention in a post once (though I can no longer find the post), is to take whatever you're going to say to someone online, and imagine saying it in person, in real life, to a barista. Before you send an ask or make a comment, think about if it’s something you would really genuinely say face to face to a stranger.

Would you walk into a random Starbucks and ask the dude at the counter a bunch questions about their gender identity? Or about his personal life in general? You probably recognize that that would be strange and socially inappropriate. It's similarly inappropriate in a case like this.

Even though you may feel a sense of familiarity with someone online from reading their social media posts, or even speaking to them once or twice through asks and etc. etc., at the end of the day you don’t really know each other much more than you’d know a random stranger.

Unless someone is inviting personal questions (like by reblogging those ‘ask me anything’ posts or etc.), or has the sort of blog where they are commonly asking people about/discussing their own intimate personal experiences or etc. (mine is not this way), then questions like this are very out of the blue and similar to asking a random person working at a store things like that. It can be seen as rude and inappropriate in general to give those sorts of questions to people who are complete strangers, and typically comes off as crossing personal boundaries. Again, think about a random stranger asking you these questions, and how you may perceive it.

In summary:

1. The question itself is borne from an double standard and isn't very good to ask in the first place. 2. The way you asked the question was worded with certain implications. 3. Your ask is also assuming certain things that you don't know are true, which can be uncomfortable for some people. 4. Even were it not for the three other things, it's commonly considered rude in many cultures to ask serious questions about the personal details of complete strangers, even if it's online. It could prove useful to utilize the ‘barista test’ to better determine this in the future.

Final Thoughts:

Anyway, I wasn't mad and I have no beef with you or whatever lol. Hopefully you can understand what I mean. I've also explained myself as well as I think I can though, so I don't feel like discussing it any more and won't respond to further asks about this. I have a lot of things going on in my life right now (as I'm sure everyone does given the pandemic and everything, you probably do too, so hopefully you can empathize with that), so I’d like to limit my time spent online, especially discussing topics I already don’t like to discuss or am not open to accepting questions about (I just want to talk about cats and elves and stuff lol).

If you still can't at least kind of get where I'm coming from then it's perfectly fine to just agree to disagree. If aspects of myself upset you or cause you discomfort, then there's no harm in just unfollowing me or something! Or if you don't even follow me, I would encourage you to block me so my posts no longer come across your dash (or block/unfollow me on whatever other social media you may be seeing my posts on ,etc)., etc. That way you don't have to see content or hear from someone who makes you uncomfortable that way, and there also won't be any need for this to come up in the future. Part of using the internet in a healthy and productive manner is to know when to disengage with certain content and just cut it off/unfollow/block people/etc. if it’s causing you unnecessary conflict or distress, or makes you uncomfortable or etc. to look at. Thank you for the question! Hopefully this response explained things a little better.

Links and Further Info:

On the off chance that you were genuinely curious, here are some resources where you can learn more about people of different gender identities and also hear them explain their experiences, etc. Since these people are actually openly discussing their experiences/making educational content and are obviously actually open to talking about it, that would be a better place to field any further questions or learn about things. :3

Here’s some reading -

Understanding Nonbinary People (link)

Gender Variance Around the World (link)

12 Questions About Nonbinary Gender Answered (link)

About the Sex Binary (link)

Ask LGBT subreddit (link)

one ‘ask a nonbinary person’ blog i found (I don’t know if they’re still active, it’s one of the first ones that came up for me lol, but I guess could be helpful) (link)

And here’s some videos with people talking about their experience, or being educational -

(NOTE: I just did a quick google search and did not deeply research these people and their entire histories and etc., so I can’t say I stand by literally everything they say or know what type of people they are, but it’s just a general place to start~!)

A video examining the idea of gender in general and how it even exists and nonbinary people (definitely interesting to watch) (link)

video about nonbinary gender/explanations (probably at least watch this one too) (link)

What is a nonbinary gender? (shorter general info) (link)

answering all your nonbinary questions q&a (link)

Video about binary sex/gender/etc. (link)

5 nonbinary people explain what nonbinary means to them (link)

another video about similar stuff (link)

#Please stop sending me asks about this now. I just want to talk about elves and cats and fantasy writing and stuff #No personal questions unless I specifically comment on something/initiate the discussion or they're about my art or something else I'm doing #lol... especially with everything going on this year #just a big Let Me Relax I Will Deal With Anything Even Remotely Stressful Later mood #ANd anon if you're still here - go listen to 'And the beat goes on' by The Whispers #no real reason gjhgjhg it's just a good song and I had it playing while I was proofreading #(also for context - it hasn't just been two asks - I'm pretty sure this person sent me others. If that's not true then I apologize anon -#but I definitely got multiple asks that were mentioning similar things/of a similar tone (intentionally referring to me as a 'girl' 'woman'#consistently and in a kind of agressive way or etc. (which you can block asks even if they're on anon (i think it's just an IP block) so if #it was indeed this anon sending them then they may be blocked from sending any more asks already because I blocked all those weird ones #I got lol. if it wasn't them then they should still be fine though- but anyway. there were other messages being sent #etc. consistently - which only happened after the first initial ask and would happen regualrly so. etc. etc. Just wanted to mention it since #the 'stop sending me asks about this now' comment doesn't make much sense if you think there was only two asks lol. I'm preetty sure #there were more - though of course they're all anon so I can't confirm. ANYWAY - again.. i have no beef with you but if we don't agree then #please just disengage and stop following my content/sending me asks - and maybe watch some of the videos and stuff or go to #other reasources if you really want to know about this stuff because I'm just not the right person/in the correct mindset to explain it to #you. I can barely do basic daily functions like making sure I eat 3 times a day lol.. I don't have the mental energy to write educational #essays and etc. but SOME people do - which is why pursuing other resources is important. ALSO - listen to The Whispers. that is my #final advice.. put on some good music and just dance and eat some cheddar cheese or something. this will soothe every issue )

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plague-of-insomnia · 5 years ago

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Hi, would it be ok for me to ask how did you know you were non-binary? I'm questioning and would like to get some opinions, but no pressure to answer if this is too personal!!

So I got this ask months back, and with everything that has gone on with my health I wasn’t able to answer it... so I don’t know if the person who sent this will even see it, but since it’s pride month I figured it was a good time to get to the queer/questioning asks that have been languishing in my poor ask box/drafts...

First of all, I don’t mind questions like this; if I ever find an ask too personal I’ll usually just ignore it, but something like this I think is important especially since NB is such a... underrepresented concept, for lack of a better word, so sometimes that lack of exposure plus the very broad nature of the label can make the whole questioning process confusing and stressful.

Honestly, for a looong time I had no idea I wasn’t cis.

I didn’t know that you could be anything other than male and female; I grew up in pretty conservative Latin American immigrant family, Catholic, so the idea of homosexuality was bad enough, lol.

I was very involved in the (then called) “Gay/Straight” alliance back in high school, as we had quite a few gay and lesbian students and teachers. I had mostly queer friends, but even binary transgender people weren’t... as prominent back then. Ofc they existed, but I didn’t have as much exposure in HS, and I went to a catholic college where many gay students had to essentially be closeted—for example, (openly) gay men weren’t technically allowed in fraternities. I loved my school, but some of its views on women and LGBTQ+ people were pretty dark age stuff, so again I had no idea that gender was a broader spectrum than simply male/female, cis or trans.

As far back as at least around early puberty, I created a kind of alter ego. A character opposite my birth sex, who was unlike any other I ever created and who has stayed with me my whole life. They helped me survive my childhood/adolescence. They felt very much “me” and yet weren’t simply the person I was in actuality made into the opposite gender. More like the aspects of my self/identity I knew subconsciously.

Often, when I fantasized, I would put myself into their role. Imagine being the other gender, what their body would feel like, what sex would be like. I’d ask friends i was comfortable with about what it felt like to be the opposite gender. I felt I needed to know so that I could “feel” it too. So I could truly imagine being a gender other than my own, with different parts, different secondary sex characteristics.

Yet at the same time, I felt comfortable enough with my birth sex that I explained these moments away. I was just thinking like a writer. Curious, bc that’s my nature. I never thought I could be trans because despite the power of these feelings, the sometimes intense longing I felt to be other than I was, the thought of completely changing my body, abandoning my assigned gender, felt horrible. Like I would be losing part of myself.

I first heard the term nonbinary during Pride. I had never encountered this before, and being who I am immediately looked it up. I was floored. Gender was a spectrum? You could be both male and female??

I felt like I had been hit by lightning.

I immediately reflected on a lifetime of “queer” thoughts. About my alter ego and how I had clung so tightly to them, how often I fantasized about having parts I didn’t have (without necessarily wanting to take away parts that I already did). How I went through phases where I dressed very masculine in some points of my life and very feminine in others. How I related so strongly to certain characters over others, and other past experiences that I had always managed to discard or shelve away in “comfortable” boxes.

And I reflected on how I had always had this... shame about these thoughts and feelings, this fear that they made me a “freak,” which might be why I had always been so quick to file them away with safe labels.

Discovering that I wasn’t alone was liberating. I read about and spoke to people who identified as NB, and often found they had a similar thoughts and experiences growing up as I did, and that helped cement in my mind, without a doubt, that I was also nonbinary, that I wasn’t purely male or female, but both.

I’ve suffered with depression my entire life, and am likely bipolar (something my current therapist agrees with, though I haven’t been formally diagnosed for various reasons). And once I opened my eyes and began questioning, I discovered that a significant part of my depression was actually tied to my gender dysphoria.

Exploring my gender identity in various ways, and finally accepting that I am NB/gender fluid has made me much more content.

Now, ofc there is no one way to be non-binary. So just bc my experience doesn’t align with what you’re feeling, doesn’t mean you’re not NB yourself.

Some people don’t feel any gender at all, and wish they didn’t have any secondary sex characteristics. Some want to be purely androgynous. Some feel mostly one binary gender or another, but maybe not “fully” male or female. Some feel a mix of both, and some shift between two or more genders.

For me, I feel like I’m always partly male and partly female, though sometimes one is more dominant than the other. Sometimes I’ll have gender dysphoria so bad that looking at cis bodies can be very upsetting, or the feeling of “missing” parts I feel I have/should have is so intense it’s almost all I can think about. Yet other times I feel pretty “stable.” Sometimes I feel like I’m thinking a lot about my gender and my presentation and others I barley think about it at all, I just “am.”

I feel freer now that I have shifted names and pronouns. Like I’m finally accepting my full self.

A huge part of why I enjoy playing Animal Crossing so much is bc I can indulge my gender fluidity by playing with how I dress my character... it brings me a lot of peace I can’t always get IRL.

I hope whoever reads this finds this helpful, original anon or anyone who might be wondering if they may be NB or not.

Feel free to send other asks if you’d like, or if you know me you can DM me and we can talk privately. 💕

Happy Pride 🏳️‍🌈

#non binary #nonbinary #questioning #pride month #poi answers #anon #long post #tw freak

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yovelknell · 4 years ago

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Changing Labels: Dealing with Internalized Homophobia, Transphobia, Misogyny, and More

This is a resource I am making to help others see how one person can move through different labels as they interact with the online sexuality and gender community and their own identity. It’s also so I can have my own record of my experiences, but hopefully it’s helpful for others too!

As a kid, I identified as a tomboy because I hated wearing skirts and dresses. I felt separate from girls for reasons that would become clear later (including some not relevant stuff like ADHD and trauma).

After being on tumblr for two years, I came across a user who was nonbinary. I fell into hours of research around the term and others like asexual, aromantic, and alterous. I became very excited at having words to describe myself.

At that time, I knew only a few things about myself: I could not relate to gender at all, girls were important to me, and I would never date a guy. When I tried to imagine loving a boy, it felt alien and uncomfortable. I was very sure of my identity, that I was agender aroace and nomalterous (no man attracted in a no romantic, no sexual way).

Over time, I realized that liking girls was gay. I realigned as asexual agender biromantic. Venturing further through internalized misogyny and homophobia, I realized that I was only 14 when I identified as aroace, and I personally had not grown socially enough to fully understand my identity.

I prodded the idea of being a trans man and was very troubled by the thought. Being a man would be approaching manhood in general, something that filled me with revulsion. I strongly clung to my agender bisexuality. And I thought I was done.

Then before my senior year, I realized I could like nonbinary people and still be a lesbian. And that I had never knowingly met a nonbinary person or been attracted to them. Further, I read up on a lot of lesbian theory and history, especially butch ones, and felt a kinship. I could be a woman solely because I liked other women. I realigned again as a cis butch lesbian.

I felt at the time that I could be identifying as nonbinary just to escape dealing with transphobic ideals I had learned. Plus, since I related to women in a way I knew was gay, I must be a cis woman. Eventually, this stance softened and I became a nonbinary butch lesbian. But I held onto womanhood.

I went to college and spent two years in lesbian bliss. Never with anyone, but I went to therapy and grew more into myself. I still hated men.

Then, I delved in transmasculinity. I watched gnc trans men and nonbinary people on tiktok. I came across and then embraced this redefining of masculinity as something healthier and not necessarily tied to manhood or womanhood. For a day or two, I worried if I was a man.

Instead, I settled back into being nonbinary. Not as a void, like last time, but instead as a distinct, strong sense of self. I grieved over and let go of my lesbian identity, something so important to my self for so long. I realized, after fully moving outside of womanhood, that I could like men, perhaps. I had a type, but I did like them. Liking men was not a trap or a curse or something I couldn’t help but refuse as a woman. I returned to my nonbinary bisexuality, with a few microlabels to make me feel at home. I embraced t4t and being diamoric — loving other trans and nonbinary people because they understand you in ways other cis people could never.

I leave this journey with a better understanding and appreciation for myself and for others. I would have loved to skip out on the troubled and missed years of adolescence. But, my years as a lesbian taught me more about appreciating feminism, transness, and gnc womanhood than I could have gotten elsewhere. I am glad that I have learned some of the same from transmasculinity as well 💖

I want to be clear that my transition through different identities is not a condemnation of them. If your journey looked similar to mine, but you stayed asexual, aromantic, agender, lesbian, or butch nonbinary, that is o.k.

We identify and exist in different ways for a variety of reasons. Ace/aro spectrum ended up being a pit stop for me, not the destination. I identified that way because I was traumatized, gay, trans, young, and socially behind my peers in ways that negatively affected my attraction spectrum. But, not everyone changes in the ways I did or need to.

#lgbt #my post

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lgbtplusstuffs · 4 years ago

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LGBT+ Facts

Trigger Warning: text below mentions negative stigmas on the queer community as a whole, as well as specific identities and orientations. Some words might be uncomfortable or painful to some readers. There are also mentions of sex and genitalia, though not anything vivid or explicit.

The queer community is just like any other community; there are good people and bad people. The bad people do not represent our community, just as Hitler does not represent the caucasian or German communities.

Queer folk are not perverts, fetishists, pedophiles, predators, rapists, attention-seekers, trenders, or mentally ill.

Being LGBT+ is not a new thing. Ancient civilizations all across the world show proof of this. (See Judaism, Pacifica, Philippines, Greece, etc.)

Sex and gender are related, but not the same thing. Sex refers to an individual's genitalia, hormones, chromosomes, and other biological identifiers, while gender, by definition, is "either of the two sexes (male and female), especially when considered with reference to social and cultural differences rather than biological ones. The term is also used more broadly to denote a range of identities that do not correspond to established ideas of male and female." Hence, gender is a social construct and can have millions of different interpretations.

Asexuals can feel sexual desire and can enjoy sexual activity. It is different for every individual.

Singular they/them pronouns are, in fact, grammatically correct.

AFABs can dress and present themselves however they wish. Feminine-dressing trans males are just as valid and normal as masculine-dressing trans males.

AMABs can dress and present themselves however they wish. Masculine-dressing trans females are just as valid and normal as feminine-dressing trans females.

The above two points apply to every sex and gender, such as intersex folk.

It is not okay to modify your intersex infant's genitalia--that is, unless it is completely necessary (i.e. their urethra is blocked).

Bi/pan/omni/poly/etc. folk are not more likely to cheat on their partners. They are not greedy, indecisive, or fake.

Genderqueer folk that go by their assigned name and pronouns are just as valid as those who do not. Going by multiple names and pronouns is perfectly okay, too.

Heterosexuals/heteroromantics can be romantically and/or sexually attracted to those of the same sex/gender. It might not exactly be common, but it is possible, and those people are just as valid, though still not part of the LGBT+ community (unless they are part of the community in relation to gender/sex, of course).

Toddlers and children are fully capable of understanding and comprehending LGBT+ topics/concepts. Our community is not adult content by any means. They are also very much capable of knowing whether or not they are cisgender.

Transgender and other genderqueer folk do not have to experience dysphoria, nor do they have to transition socially or physically in order to be what and who they are.

It is okay to question and experiment with different names, pronouns, labels, clothing, makeup, etc. It is okay to change these things at a later time. It is also okay to not feel comfortable with certain labels, or to not go by any specific labels, or any labels at all.

Cisgender folk and heterosexuals are allowed to dress and present themselves however they want. Clothing has no gender, and they are just as valid as we are.

Having queer parental/authority figures do not effect whether or not a child turns out queer. No one can "turn a kid gay."

People of any ethnicity/race, nationality, background, religion, and upbringing can be queer.

Polyamorous people can and are allowed to feel jealousy.

Polyamorous relationships can be, but are not always open relationships. They can be just as closed and committed as couples.

The term "nonbinary" does not mean "genderless." It's an umbrella term to represent a person that does not identify as the traditional constructs of male or female. Though certain nonbinary folk might identify as genderless, and might use other terms such as "agender." A nonbinary individual might also be another gender that is not male or female, or even mulitgendered.

A male that enjoys makeup and skirts and Barbies is no less a male. A female that enjoys sports and monster trucks and video games is no less a female. Interests/hobbies/occupations/etc. do not have any affect on or represent that someone is queer.

Queer people of any form are just as capable in the military as cishet people.

Homosexuality and sex-changing behavior has been found all over the animal kingdom, it is not unique to humans.

Humans are humans, and we all deserve rights. Asking for basic human rights and decency is not asking for too much.

Being queer isn't a lifestyle or a choice, it's just part of who a person is.

Every orientation, identity, and gender is dropped on a spectrum, and every small part of said spectrums are valid. Scarlet, maroon, and crimson are all shades of red--they're very different hues, but red all the same. We're all human, and we are extraordinarily varied. All just different versions of the same thing. Queer or not, we, as a species, are a rainbow. Some of us are six-feet-tall, some of us are blonde-haired, some of us are brown-skinned, some of us are gay, some of us are American, some of us are hindi, some of us are blind, some of us are male, some of us are right-handed... and some of us aren't. Life is far too short to waste it on hate and anger. Share some love!

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soulipsy · 6 years ago

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Open Letter

I’ve stared at many blank pages trying to articulate this, struggling for the lexicon to employ while baring my soul… to take the guise of my shyness about my identity and put it to rest so I can exist authentically. Uninhibited.

This is an open letter; I am letting go of my attachment to the acceptance of others and my unsaid apologies about who I am so I may find peace. I deserve peace.

I realized I am not a woman around the end of high school. I had been thinking about it nonstop for weeks when I first felt the words leave my mouth. I was sitting on a porch swing with two of my best friends and upon hearing the words aloud for the first time, I felt the most brilliant lightness. The ultimate unburdening.

This feeling of androgyny has only intensified as I grew more into myself and my identity as a human being. Not a girl or a woman, nor a boy or a man. I am just a person. A human who was lucky enough to be born in a time where there is popular language to express this and a community of others who feel the same way. There are many terms: nonbinary, genderqueer, agender, gender non-conforming (GNC)… the list goes on. It doesn’t matter what you call it as long as you know that gender is a spectrum, not a binary, two-part system. This doesn’t seem to me like such an obtuse concept, and it has been around in many cultures for thousands of years, yet I have faced crushing rejection when I’ve tried to open up about this - hence the many months of stewing in silence, leaving this weight in my chest because I was afraid to cast it on to others.

I am not a woman, despite what anyone may think or assume, despite how I look or dress, and despite how I was socialized as a child. If you are lucky enough to be cisgender (meaning you identify with the gender you were assigned at birth) it is important for you to first understand that sex and gender are entirely separate entities, as the first is biological and the latter is a personal identity expression.

The most important thing I can ask of my cisgendered friends and family is not to seek an understanding of my identity but to simply respect and accept it. If you have never questioned your gender, you will never understand the feeling, process, or emotions of being transgender. You can, however, support and respect those of us who are.

Here are the ways you can do that

-First and foremost, stop using gendered pronouns (she/her/hers) for me and replace them with they/them/theirs which is the most common singular gender-neutral pronoun in English. This may seem unnatural and difficult at first but you will quickly get over it. You have likely been using they/them as a singular, gender-neutral pronoun for a long time without realizing it. (article source)

-Calling me by my preferred name: Nelson.

-Using gender-neutral language in reference to me, such as ‘sibling/youngest’ or ‘youngest child’/’person’/partner’ instead of sister/daughter/lady/girlfriend. Comments along the lines of “You go girl”, “girl power”, “girlfriend”, “queen”, “goddess” etc. are included in this as well. (yes, even if you call everyone “girlfriend” or say “girl please”, I would just prefer if you didn’t around me.)

-Correcting others when they misname/misgender me in a respectful and private way. This is especially important and helpful. I've grown tired of being the only one who will stand up for myself as it is very emotionally laborious, so I really appreciate when others stand up for me, especially when I am not around.

-Spending some time educating yourself if you’re new to gender non-conforming identities and care about me and my comfort (I’ve attached some links to articles I like below but a quick Google search is also beneficial)

-Lastly (but perhaps most importantly) please find a time to turn inward and unpack your perceptions about me, my gender, and trans bodies in general. Regardless of how we present, what our voices sound like, and whether or not we choose to medically transition, we are who we say we are. I don’t just ~identify~ as non-binary, I am non-binary. Coming full circle and being a true ally involves more than just using the right language: When a trans-person comes out to you, it is your job to sit down and commit yourself to re-experience us as our true gender identity, away from the harmful societal constructs of gender that have been forced upon us. Just repeating a simple statement about your friend’s gender identity for a couple minutes can go a long way. This may seem like an abstract request, but I can usually tell who has done the work and who uses my pronouns to placate me. Misgendering someone is not a mistake, its a peek into the subconscious and that is why it hurts so much.

If this seems like a lot to ask, imagine for a second that everybody was constantly calling you the wrong name or everyone in your life perceived you as the wrong gender. Can you empathize with how frustrating and invalidating that would be? Before I started to be transparent with those closest to me, and now the greater internet (!!!), I could only be bothered in silence but now that I have come out, there is no reason for this to consistently continue happening. I understand it may take time and mistakes happen (please just correct yourself and move on) but it has taken a lot of bravery for me to bare my soul in this way and I feel I deserve a reciprocation in effort from the people in my life. I believe my comfort and happiness are worth a bit of work and some slight changes in your language.

Thank you for investing your time and effort into our relationship by reading this, and happy National Coming Out Day to all of the brave trans and queer people in the world. May we all beam today and forever.

Love,

Nelson

Links:

Help with gender-neutral language:

History of GNC identities: (this is not a new concept)

Article by a parent of a non-binary adult

Article by the partner of a non-binary person

#nonbinary #genderqueer #agender #open letter #coming out #national coming out day #trans #queer #gnc #gender neutral

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brynwrites · 7 years ago

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Ask Compilation.

Topics covered:

The backstory: to bring up or not to bring up?

Societies without gender distinctions.

LGBT+ characters in historically oppressive settings.

Memorable characters.

Scenes that don’t fit into the plot.

And a very kind anon!

All other questions should be listed on the ask queue page.

Backstory.

@bijerksblog asked: I have this character that is obsessed with her twin brother (she thinks that the only way one could trully live would be if one of them died). It's a sci-fi and the two were custom made to be super soldiers, so they always competed and tried to be different (they had the same skills and potential). They tried to kill each other at 14, but the girl was blamed and they were separated. I don't know if I should bring her brother up all the time when I write her POV or just keep him hidden.

It’s up to you and what you want to do with the story. If her character development is highly intertwined with her feelings for her bother, then definitely bring it up a lot. If its just something that explains her backstory, you only need to bring it up a few times. If it’s meant to be a plot twist when the reader finally meets the brother, try hinting at it on and off without outright saying it.

Societies without gender distinctions.

Anon asked: Hello, I read your posts on LGBTQ+ fiction. I am also nonbinary. I consider myself agender, and I think that gender distinctions are silly. In the settings of my stories, there are no gender distinctions. There are physical sexes, but no socially coded roles for them. They also don't have separated sexualities. I am worried that people will find it offensive that I'm not representing any IRL identities. Should I worry about this?

There’s always going to be someone out there that finds everything offensive, but I wouldn’t worry too much about not presenting any of our current labels when the story takes place in a world where those labels don’t even exist. As much as it is great to see those labels used and talked about in contemporary fiction, in spec fic, it’s the active presence of non-cishet (and non-white) characters being who they are without oppression or labels which is most important.

I would be careful though that the way the world is presented to the reader doesn’t de-value the fact that people right now need labels in our present society. There’s a big difference between the idea that a world lacking gender distinctions allows everyone to be who they are without fear or feeling they need to fit into a certain box, and the highly transphobic concept that gender roles are the only thing that makes people feel like they don’t fit their assigned physical sex. (Not to say that you’re intending to do the later in any way, it’s just a very easy thing to accidentally imply in a gender-identity less society, especially if that society uses binary pronouns.)

LGBT+ characters in historically oppressive settings.

Anon asked: How do I write about a character's strictly homosexual grandparent born in the 1910s? That would mean that they had to have straight sex and an unhappy coerced marriage to fit in in order to have children since there is pretty much no way they could have adopted or had ivf or surrogates back then. Unless I make both grandparents are strictly homosexual and didn't actually have sex to make children, but that is still fitting in

I haven’t done any research, so I can’t tell you how you’d actually write that to be realistic, but what I can tell you is the same thing I will continue to shout until the end of days, which is this:

You don’t have to write the historical stories that were. It’s just as important to write the historical stories that should’ve been.

I have no interest in reading about a homosexual man forced to fit into a terrible straight society and deal with physiologically damaging oppression on a daily basis. But I would kill someone for the chance to read about a homosexual man born in alternate reality 1910 where everything was exactly the same to our world except there’s no oppression against LGBT+ people and they can have all the same fantastic stories that straight cis people got to both live through and have written about them for the past hundred years.

Memorable characters.

@bookschocolateandmurder asked: Hello Bryn, sorry to disrupt you, but I need help. I am currently trying to rewrite a piece of fiction which I have started a year or so ago and then left unfinished. After looking over my notes I think that the main character is, while likeable, not very memorable. How can I make my story better and keep me motivated this time so that I actually finish the story? Do you have any tips? Thanks a lot for your time

There is such a broad spectrum of what makes a character memorable, and each reader will tell you it’s something different for them personally. Think about the traits and actions of your favorite characters! What sort of tropes do they fit? Do they portray certain eccentricities in their speech or manner or dress or job? How do they view the word? Which scenes did you really connect with them in? What sort of complexities do they have in their relationships and personal growth? What motivates them? How do they develop and what forces them to change?

If you create a character from components of other character who’ve stuck with you, you’ll generally end up with a character other readers will also find memorable. (And thinking about your own favorite characters is both fun and helps expand your knowledge of what makes a character memorable.)

[For motivational posts and tips about staying motivated see this tag!]

A precious anon.

Anon said: Thank you for all the work you've done! You're amazing and I can't wait to read your stories!

Awww, you’re very welcome nonny, and thank you too!! <3

Scenes that don’t fit into the plot.

Anon asked: Do you ever just get to writing a chapter and look at your plan/outline and think 'wtf' because there's ton of ideas for scenes but you don't know why you wrote them down and your like 'how tf does that even fit into the plot'??

That’s definitely happened to me in the past, though my last few outlines (Ash From Stars, We Are We Are Monsters, and Quasi Stellar) have been a lot easier to twist all the scenes I want into a form which fits for the plot.

I do constantly have notes in my outlines though for certain conversation points I want the characters to touch on and then I start writing and realizes there’s no way in hell these characters are going to talk about that thing, two of them would rather jump into a pit of lava and the other one is too focused on their own angst. That’s always frustrating xP

#writing asks #ask compilation #writeblr

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nszypher · 7 years ago

Text

In Honor of Pride Month

In honor of pride month, I’ve decided to share my story. This is the first time I’ve done such a thing, and done anything more than silently root people on during this time. It’s been a big year of change for me and several of my friends, so I think this pride month is possibly the most important one to me.

This is deeply personal and I debated on posting this at all, but I want it out there somewhere and I don’t think anyone is really going to read this crazy long post so...here goes nothing.

Long story short, I identify as a non-binary asexual. More specifically, I feel I fit into the terms of demigril, mascandrogyne, genderflux agender asexual. Which is a lot of terms, some seemingly conflicting, but all fitting.

As most do, I felt I was differing from “the norm” fairly early on. I was considered a tomboy as a kid as I tended to gravitate towards things that were largely considered to be “for boys.” My parents let me do and be what I wanted without shaming me for how I chose to dress or what I chose to do. They did dress me in more traditional feminine clothing when I was young, but once I was old enough to make my own choices, they let me do as I pleased. They never once forced me, after that point, to wear something because it was appropriate, or do or stop doing something for the same reason.

I know I am very fortunate.

I once expressed to my mom that I wished I had been born a boy. I knew then, and still know now, that the reason I felt that way was not because I felt I was a boy, knew I was supposed to be, but because I saw the privilege bestowed upon males. They were allowed to play outside and get dirty without comments. They were allowed to play video games and like animals other than dogs, cats, and horses. They were dressed in blues and wore pants. It seemed to me, in my eight-ish year-old mind they were given more freedom. Girls like me were frowned upon in society, at least at the time. I wanted to do whatever I liked and wear whatever felt nice, and society as a whole did not want me to do that.

My parents told me, in nicer terms, fuck them and do what you like. You’re not hurting anyone, so why should they care?

Then puberty hit, and the differences in everything became so much clearer. Or at least, the fact that I was different became clearer. We were told that we all would start having urges and thoughts and feelings, and it’s all natural. And people around me did, I suppose. I can only go by what happened in media and what little I saw of people at my school through my own lens. They told you that these things were natural, and everyone did them, so what are you to think when it doesn’t happen for you?

The problem is, especially where I grew up, you were told there were two genders, male and female, and that the only thing you should be is heterosexual, or straight. If the mentioned homosexuality at all, it was in the context of things that were wrong and bad. There is only dialogue about this, as I see it now, very narrow window of how things should be. Two genders, one orientation, no variation of those.

So when you don’t fit into that slot, it can be very disorienting. I spent my high school years wondering what was wrong with me. I got into a semi-romantic relationship because “that’s what people do.” I say semi-romantic because I think he felt it more than I did, and while I did really enjoy being with him and around him, the most we ever did was hug. I really cared about him, but looking back, it was very true that it was never going to go any further than close friends. I realize now that what I liked in that relationship was not being a girlfriend or having a boyfriend for the romance and god forbid the sex, not that we ever did it, but having someone who was dedicated to me, that made time for me, that would come over at a moment’s notice if he wasn’t busy, and that wouldn’t put others over me.

I want a friend and companion. That’s about it.

It wasn’t until college, I think it was sometime in Senior year (weirdobagel corrected me because I was wrong) that my roommate and best friend found the term asexual. And it was...life changing for the both of us. I believe I can say that much for her. Suddenly, there was a word describing what I had felt. Suddenly, there was validation and the promise that I was not broken or lying or just missing it. Suddenly, I had something to cling onto. I am this. There is nothing wrong with me. Identifying that was such a relief, and finding that there were more people in the world besides just the two of us that felt the same way. I just cannot describe the elation.

What are the chances of not only finding someone else just like you completely by chance, but also rooming with them and having them find that?

I thought that was where my revelations would end. But years later, there was more to come.

In 2017, two of my friends began transitioning from female to male, one early in the year, one near the end. I only found out about the first by chance because they mentioned HRT, and knowing their previous history with gender identity, there was only one thing that could stand for. He did not tell me directly, and to be fair, hasn’t actually told me anything about it, but he has plenty of support where he is and doesn’t need me.

It’s okay. This same person who came out as bi to me six years earlier is also the same who told me, in that same conversation, that I couldn’t be ace because I haven’t had sex yet after I confided in them about being ace. I had never questioned them in any way before then, and didn’t even laugh or flinch when they said they were bi, and yet, they told me I couldn’t be ace because I hadn’t had sex, so how would I know?

But the other has been one that was scared to come out to me (which saddens me but I understand...I was in the same place. More on that later), but is one I have been supporting from a distance since they have. They came out to me one October afternoon in a long message over Facebook Messenger while I was at work trying to solve a huge problem. At the time, all I could do is send a short message back saying that while it was a bit of a shock, I was behind them 100%.

While I was working on the problem and getting through the day, I got to thinking. Feeling that you are one or the other was...I realized, kind of strange to me. I had always said I was a girl, and I think in part because I had always been called one. I had not questioned it because my logical brain said that I must be. That is what everyone calls me. I have boobs and lack a penis. So isn’t that what I am? But then, why do people who loose their boobs or penis or what have you know they are still female or male? And why do transgender people feel they are the opposite gender? I realized that it sort of baffled me...because I don’t really feel like either.

I say I’m genderflux because I do feel like a female stronger sometimes than others, but I mean, if you put it on a scale from 0 to 10, with 0 being feeling like nothing at all and 10 being totally, unquestionably, no doubt female (in my case), I peak at a 3 at most and hover more around 0 to 1.

And this was a revelation brought about because my friend was transitioning, and it got me to thinking about things in my own head. Crazy how those things work, huh? And I started looking around, reading on the internet about various things, and I came across these terms.

Demigirl: Not nessecarily identifying as female, but not having a problem being called those pronouns.

Mascandrogyne: Feeling mostly androgynous, but presenting in a more masculine manner.

Agender: Not really feeling attached to either.

Nonbinary: Not falling in the binary spectrum of male or female.

And suddenly, it made sense. It makes sense to me now. I will say that it’s not because my parents didn’t push me to this. I did what I did, dressed how I dressed, because it’s what felt good. I have never done anything because it was “male” or not because it was “female.” I do buy things from the male clothing sections because they are more comfortable, and I gravitate there because history has taught me I am more likely to find something I like there but if female stuff had the form and function male clothing did too, I would buy from there. I don’t tend to like the look of female clothing, cuts and patterns, on me, but can appreciate them on someone else. I like shorter, male-type haircuts because they feel nice and suit me.

My last haircut was not great. It didn’t...quite do it. It actually almost looks a little too masculine for me. Shock!

When I was younger, it used to bother me when I was misgendered, but it also bothered me when I was forced into a thing that felt wrong.

When I was twelve, we went on a cruise and because I was female, I was forced to wear a skirt to dinner because that is what was mandated for females. I hate dresses. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t just wear nice pants.

When I was in middle school, before I cut my hair, I had someone at the church I was attending at the time convince me, after much convincing, to let her do my hair and make up. I had done make up things before in Girl Scouts and with my mom, and I already knew I hated it. I hated the feel, and I hated the time and effort it took. But I let this person do it anyway because...maybe I’ll change my mind? Because it’s what people do? I don’t know for sure why I did, but I did. I hated the result. My mom said I did look very pretty, but I didn’t look like me, and looked even less happy.

In middle school and high school, I had a friend who used to tease me that I didn’t know what gender I was, whether I was a boy or a girl. That really bothered me, though I didn’t know why exactly. I thought I did, thinking it was just because he was calling me something I’m not.

I used to be extremely bothered when people called me the wrong gender. Like much more than maybe it should’ve bothered me. I had a manager of mine at GameStop as why he let his twelve year-old son work there. I was seventeen at the time. They proceeded to make fun of me after he corrected them. He also then told them I was a valued employee and if they made fun of me again, he’d kick them out. I let an older lady with a few items go in front of me at WalMart because I was buying groceries for the month. She told the cashier that “this nice young man” let her go in front of her. The cashier and I shared a knowing look.

My mom actually said to me, not meaning to sound callous, that I bring it upon myself by dressing and cutting my hair the way I did.

I now realize that it was because I was nonbinary, but I didn’t know it. I didn’t understand what that meant. I wouldn’t hear the term until nearly ten years later. And I wouldn’t identify as that until almost 15. That sort of thing is not discussed or accepted around where I grew up.

With these new terms, I came to understand why I didn’t like swimsuits made for females. I came to understand why it was that I did whatever felt right and good without worrying about how it was “gendered.”

And now, call me whatever you like. I have, in the past two months, been called a male in at least three different occassions, and since finding the nonbinary term, it didn’t bother me. I don’t really mind being call either even if I still go with the female ones.

I saw a post somewhere that said “Nonbinary does not mean vaguely masculine.” But for me, it does honestly. I wear male clothing, I get a male haircut, and more than anything, I want top surgery to remove my boobs. I have been wearing a binder almost every day since early November, and it feels so right to look and be like this. I literally cried tears of joy when I found a binding swim top, and again when I used it for the first time last Thursday night. I enjoy swimming again. I have wanted to rid myself of boobs ever since I grew them, I just didn’t really see that it was an option until late last year. I knew trans people could do it, but I didn’t know I didn’t need to be trans FtM to get it.

I don’t want to be on testosterone. I don’t want facial hair unless it’s fake for a cosplay. I don’t want to get a penis. I just don’t want boobs.

I’ve been saving real hard for the surgery. I reached out to a surgeon late last year in my area for a cost estimate. It’s pricey, though I’m hoping for the lower price area and saving for the higher one, but I want it. I was worried it was just a fad of mine, but I think the fact that the cost did not scare me off and the fact that even considering it might not happen gives me anxiety proves its not. I had some unexpected expenses come up and take a big chunk out of my savings for it, and have already come up with a plan B if I fall short. That is how important that is to me. Most people won’t see the difference, but I will.

There may be more for me to discover about myself, but for now, this is all. I never thought Pride month would matter to me so much, but this one is something special to me so I had to share. Because of my friend, transgender issues matter to me more than they did. Before it was “yeah, be a good person and don’t be an asshole.” But now it’s much more personal. And because of them, I found out more about me, and found a path to making myself that much more comfortable.

So to all those who fall outside the “normal” spectrum, you are awesome! Everyone one of you! You matter so much and you just keep rocking whatever it is you do!

To those who are still hiding away, or are unsure, you’ll come into your own. You’ll find your way. Hang in there. Your day is coming. Coming out, in any sense, is hard. I had a hard time bringing myself to express to my mom (whom I still live with) that I wanted top surgery. She took it pretty well. Still processing but wants me to be happy. And I had a hard time bringing myself to tell my ace bestie, which is crazy because she of all people would welcome me with open arms regardless of what I identify as. I nearly cried from relief when I told her. I shouldn’t have expected anything else, but my anxiety-riddled brain asked “But what if she DOES reject you? What then?” So I know, it’s hard. But one day, you won’t have to hide.

And to all those who support us but do not identify as something else, thank you for being there for us! You matter too.

For everyone else, to those against us, to those who say we are wrong or that we don’t exist, fuck you! We are going to be who we are. You can’t change that.

#pride month #asexual #nonbinary #personal story #support and love

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theclaravoyant · 8 years ago

Note

also okay - if you're ever wanting to write more in the trans!fitz universe, i'd absolutely love to see a fic where someone on the team learns what 'nonbinary' is and decides they might be nb, and come talk to fitz about it! :) and maybe talk about fitz's experiences being trans and his view of gender and stuff like that

AN ~ awesome prompt! It was a lot of fun exploring nonbinary-ness and different experiences of gender (which is probably why this almost hit 2K!).

Disclaimer: I’m a cis woman, but I based what Fitz talks about on experiences of several trans and non binary people (from these sources as well as past research, friends, tumblr posts, etc.). I hope I have done the topic some justice!

For those not familiar with my trans!fitz universe, this fic takes place in the Bridget!verse where Fitz transitioned (FTM) from a young age. He is out only to a few select people as trans, and prefers it that way, although this fic also allows for him to be more out re: his sexuality (which is not specified in this fic, but implied to be non-straight).

As for who he’s talking to… I know they’re not part of “the team” exactly but I couldn’t resist using this opportunity to write about everyone’s favourite nb lesbian, Agent Piper!

Anyway, without further ado-

Read on AO3 (~2000wd)

Piper

Pride season was an opportunity for a splash of colour in the increasingly gloomy lives of Shield’s now-underground team. The younger Agents especially filled the base with life and vibrancy while the older ones, for whom Pride was much if not more a commemoration than a festivity, provided strength and fortitude, serving as living reminders of a whole range of struggles that could affect an Agent, and a whole range of ways of being a survivor. Pride was a light in the darkness not unlike the end of year holiday season, if directed at a smaller cohort.

Tonight, many of the Agents were preparing to drive out to a Pride Parade in a nearby city, and were donning all manner of bright colours and some of them even preparing spectacular outfits for a night on the town. Daisy had on a hot-pink sundress with platform sandals and chunky jewellery in blue, purple and silver. Jemma went for a look that somehow managed to be more subdued, in a bright canary-yellow t-shirt and black jeans, with a pink bandana tied around her neck. Fitz was stuck in his room trying to figure out what to wear that was different, but that didn’t scream a Pride flag vomited all over me, when he heard a knock at the door.

“Oh, thank God,” he sighed. “Jemma, I-“

Fitz cut himself off when he pulled the door open and saw not Jemma, but the shorter, stockier, also somewhat-bewildered-looking Agent Piper waiting for him. She was still wearing fatigues, not yet prepared for the evening’s outing, and her expression was a little too serious for Fitz’s liking.

“Um. Hi,” Fitz greeted after a moment. “Can I help you? Is something going on?”

He stuck his head further into the hallway, but Piper shook her head before he could work himself into too much of a panic.

“Nothing, it’s all good out here, I was actually wondering if I could – maybe – have a private conversation with you.”

“Okay. Sure.” Still a little unsettled, Fitz invited Piper into his and Jemma’s room. He waved a hand apologetically at the suit-jackets, feather boa, dresses, heels, and button-ups that had sprawled across the room during their preparations, but Piper seemed content to ignore them even as her eyes cast about the room a little, not quite sure how to broach the subject she’d come here to speak about.

“Sorry,” she said eventually, bringing her eyes back to Fitz as she seemed to remember she was prying in a private space. “It’s just, I know you’re not really out with it and I didn’t want to be creepy. I wanted to talk about… gender. I’ve been thinking about some stuff and Jemma sort of mentioned that you might be someone who knows something about it. If you’re not comfortable with talking to me you can send me on my way and I won’t breathe a word of it – I know how it is – but it’d be really cool if you could help me out, man.”

Fitz shrugged. “It’s alright.”

“You sure?”

“Sure.” He smiled. “Happy to help out if I can.”

“Awesome.” Piper sighed, and a lot of the tension left her body. For want of a better place to plant herself, she perched on the corner of a desk.

Fitz sat nearby, in a clear space at the edge of the bed, and waited for Piper to gather her thoughts. He hoped she wouldn’t ask too much about him. Then again, he hoped she would. If it would help. If it would maybe mean he was sharing something of himself with someone who might get it in a way that the others didn’t. He wondered what she would ask. What was questioning even like? What was it like not to wake up and know? Of course, he’d been through his own questioning period, but most of that had been forced upon him, particularly by his father’s efforts to reshape him. Inside Piper’s head, Fitz knew, there could be a whole different set of sensations going on. Legitimate questions. Questions in which politics and oppression only played a part. Questions that could be daunting, and probably moreso to a thirty-year-old mind than to a seven-year-old, who didn’t yet understand so much about the weight of the world.

“Want me to start?” Fitz offered. Piper groaned.

“God, please.”

“Do you think you’re a man?”

Piper recoiled from the suggestion, but quickly recovered.

“Sorry. But no. I don’t think so – it feels wrong. It’s just that… I’m not really sure I’m a woman either. Does that make sense? Is that possible? I mean, I’ve always been a bit of a tomboy but like… recently, it feels different somehow. It’s difficult to describe. Maybe I’m just being weird, but to be honest, it’s kind of freaking me out. I thought I’d already done the whole identity-crisis thing, you know?”

Fitz laughed a little. He could relate.

“There’s no need for a crisis. You’ll figure it out eventually. And believe me, I get the double-take. Identity is an ever-changing beast.”

“How was it for you, though?” Piper wondered. “The gender thing I mean. How did you know?”

“I don’t think I can really help you with that one, unfortunately. I’m one of those people who just always, sort of, knew. I’ve known since I was a kid. I don’t really know why. Some of it was the obvious I guess. I played with model trains and cars instead of dolls. I hated wearing dresses. Tried to cut off all my hair with scissors. I wanted a pee-pee.” He snorted. “Seven-year-old me didn’t really get into the philosophy of it all, but there must be something to it, because… well, let’s just say I went through some things that would have chased it out of me if that were possible.”

Piper nodded solemnly.

“Not all the confusion is bad though,” Fitz continued. “My mum raised me, mostly, and she did it without a lot of that masculine bravado bullshit. She taught me to be gentle, sensitive, forgiving… sometimes it felt like I was less of a guy because of that kind of stuff, and the teasing didn’t help, but in the end it gave me faith in my identity. Mum always told me there should be more guys like me. That it shouldn’t be left to the girls to be the soft ones.“

“I like your mom,” Piper put in.

“Me too.” Fitz smiled. “And honestly I think having someone who believed in me like that made it all so much easier, even though she didn’t get it entirely. She started calling me by the right pronouns – you know, he and him and all that - and even gave me a different name. Helped me transition in lots of other ways, too. I couldn’t have done it without her.”

“Oh, I don’t want to transition, either,” Piper clarified. “I’m happy with my body just the way it is. Is that – I mean, does that mean anything?”

“Not really,” Fitz explained. “I mean, for me it did. I had… I had dysphoria in a big way. Phantom body parts. Huge discomfort about my dead name and pronouns. Not every trans person gets that. Some have it the other way, actually. Euphoria, it’s called. They just feel more happy when they express as their gender, or when they’re referred to by some other name or pronouns or, you know, gendered words, even if they’re not particularly unhappy with their assigned ones.”

“See, that sounds more like me,” Piper agreed. “But can you be, like, gender-neutral trans? Or is that a different thing, I don’t know. But can you?”

“You mean like nonbinary?” Fitz suggested. “Some people think of it as trans and some don’t, but yeah, sure. It’s a thing.”

“It means you’re like, somewhere between a boy and a girl, right?” Piper speculated. “Like on the spectrum.”

“Basically,” Fitz agreed. “I mean, for some people it’s more complicated than that, and just like with sexual orientation there’s a whole bunch of subsets. Some people like the spectrum, some people go with a third non-spectrum gender, some people even prefer no gender at all. It’s up to you. I can’t really tell you which one to pick, unfortunately – I mean as far as I’m aware, we as a scientific community still don’t know what gender even is yet – but if you’re feeling like nonbinary’s an option for you, try it out. There’s no harm in a label if you’re safe and happy with it. And even if it doesn’t work out, it’s not like you’re getting in anyone’s way.”

“Really?” Piper checked. “You think I should go for it?”

Fitz held his hands up, palms out. “You don’t need my permission.”

“Can I keep my name?”

“Sure, if you’re happy with it.”

“What about that pronoun stuff?”

“Well, if it bothers you when people call you she/her, tell them so. If not, you can keep them and still be non-binary. It depends on you. If you’re looking for a more neutral pronoun, ‘they’ is getting pretty popular, relatively. There are some more obscure ones around, so Google it maybe, but if it’s not a strong point of contention for you, or none of the others really speak to you, you could try they/theirs.”

“You’re right, that does sound better,” Piper agreed, a smile breaking out across her face at last. “Thanks so much, Fitz, honestly. I feel like I’ve lined up so many things in my brain right now.”

“My pleasure.” Fitz found himself beaming too, unexpectedly broadly. He kicked his legs in glee. “Glad I could help.”

“Wait.” Piper interrupted, her tone heavier again all of a sudden and, if Fitz was not mistaken, tainted with dread. “Can I still be a lesbian, then?”

Fitz’s excitement faded a little too. With the weight Piper put on it, he could tell, this part of her identity was important to her. Painstakingly so. Handling it with care was essential, and yet, he had to walk blindly into it and do the best he could.

“Well, I don’t know,” he offered truthfully. “If someone else, if another lesbian, came to you with something like this, what would you say, d’you think?”

Piper’s eyes searched the floor, the carpet, the nose of Fitz’s dress shoes poking out from under one of Jemma’s discarded dresses. She took a deep breath.

“Well, I’m sure as hell not a man. And even if I’m not a woman exactly, I still feel pretty close to it. I’d like to think I’m enough of a woman to be a lesbian still.”

“Then there you have it, I guess. Maybe talk to the girls, they might have more to say about it, but I think that’s fair enough.”

“Cool.” Piper nodded once, and then twice more for good measure as she let it all settle in. Her eyes trailed the mess that was FitzSimmons’ room and, as the mess in her own head cleared away, she remembered why it was all there.

“Shit, we’d better get ready, hey?” she reminded Fitz. He escorted her to the door, as best he could through the widespread pig-sty.

“Again, thanks so much for the talk,” Piper continued. “It was really great. Really helpful. If you don’t mind though, can we keep it on the DL for now? Sprinkle a couple ‘they’s here and there if you could, but the other stuff, I’m still easing into it.”

“No worries,” Fitz promised. “And you know, my stuff –“

“Lock and key,” Piper promised in return. “See you tonight.”

“See you there.”

#leo fitz #agent piper #aospositivitynet #aosfic #bsquadbrigade #aosficnet2 #happy pride!#piper #piper vasquez #trans!fitz #prompt me stuff #clara's fic tag #buckysbears #aos fic

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violetemerald · 8 years ago

Text

So my queerplatonic partner just broke up with me as I was trying to go to bed at 10pm and now I’m still awake… typing on my phone and posting this near midnight EST… I can’t tell if me still being awake is necessarily his fault but I think it is. When he broke up with me the first time (in June last year) I was a crying mess. This time I’m just… I’m not crying. I’m upset but it’s more anger and frustration. I hate that I kinda saw this coming but was afraid to let myself go here. I hate that I made up countless thoughts in my head about what my future with him would look like and now it’s all a ridiculous waste of mental energy and I hate how much I was counting on us working out. I really hate that he tricked me into at least thinking he was invested in us lasting through August given the specific events he planned to go to with me and bought tickets for and this and that. Like why did he do all this and now… are we going to do any of it? Am I gonna have to do the walk for suicide prevention next month ALONE because I didn’t sign up for that and ugh should I immediately be looking for a team to join?? That might be better anyway, I might have a better experience overall, but like…why is he torturing me like this?

Why get back together with me while he was in Afghanistan, only one month in to a 6 month deployment, and insist he regretted breaking up with me, and insist he did want the same future I wanted fostering and probably later adopting kids and all of the rest of it… and so many other little things in these 5 months… and then he saw me again for the first time since he’s back and his deployment ended. Both Saturday and Sunday. And then… he avoided responding to my texts Monday asking him how the end of Sunday went since I had to leave early because I injured my eye and… telling him I was taking a sick day and not going in to work because of it. And when he finally gets back to me. It’s JUST like when he broke up with me before. We have plans to go camping soon AND and to do something next month (last time it was yes, camping then too, and also his sister’s wedding, this time it’s the Overnight Out of the Darkness Walk) and I’m talking about those plans (last time it was buying a new dress for it probably that coming weekend, this time it was making sure to get my medical waiver turned in before the May 19th deadline) and he just… he’s… he’s not who I was convinced he was. I don’t even know. He’s. He’s “I can’t do this relationship anymore” and it’s not like there’s a good reason for it that he can pinpoint, but he insists it’s nothing we can fix even though this time I’m… I’m more confused than ever how he can be right back where he was breaking up with me before, because he explicitly changed his mind and regretted that and stuff??? And like…

I really kinda saw it coming, like way more than last time, although I was uneasy last time too.

I love him. I hate this. I don’t love him that much right this moment but…

I really wish this wasn’t happening. Yeah now I’m finally kinda crying a little.

I hugged him when I first saw him. He’s taller than I remembered, kind of. My face was in his chest. For a second. Too brief a time really. It was really nice. For one second. And I felt like he was pulling away too quickly even then. We’ve never been much for physical touch as qpp’s but still.

I should’ve known – i did know, honestly, i really did know – that he wasn’t as committed to this relationship as me when he started shopping for houses with his parents as soon as he got back from Afghanistan. He wasn’t… including me. He wasn’t really acting like I’d you know… live there one day. He was telling me everything but he… it was weird and I knew it and I didn’t want to admit it to myself. He wanted me to be happy for him. I want to be happy for him. But it’s hard when he’s… he’s shattering all my plans for my own future I was so clearly imagining for myself, and now I have to start from scratch all over again. I’m an asexual person who wants to foster and adopt kids with a co-parent I click with and I’ve never met anyone I click with the way I click with him, at least not who also wants children in the way I do. I don’t know how to begin looking for someone who wants to coparent foster kids and who will jive with me as an atheist (and this is actually kind of a big thing in some ways), me who doesn’t want to even so much as kiss anyone and is definitely not having sex in the future… me who has a fine job that is a bit too low paying and which just isn’t the career I want long term because it’s not nearly challenging/stimulating enough… and if I do decide to adopt or foster on my own, I can’t quite picture how it would work. I kinda feel like I *need* a partner.

And it’s just… I want to be DONE with him AND YET I want to try to convince him to go back to his thought process while he was on that civilian contractor deployment. I want him to be back to imagining a future with me the way I was with him. I want him to be happy when he’s around me and it was killing me this past weekend because I could tell that he just… wasn’t. And when I tried to talk to him he was so… closed. Quiet.

I want to move on but I don’t know how to begin. I want to be able to be friends with him but that is painful to think about, like real friends who hang out and have all our mutual friends in common still and still could potentially do some of our planned things together?? Like in some ways it’s easier to imagine never seeing him again.

And yet I wasn’t even done talking to him when I said goodnight and went to bed. I know we’ll text more about… everything. I’m sure we will. We might even see each other again soon. Idk what he’s fully thinking.

I really really am upset. I’m in my twenties, there’s still a lot of my life left, but I feel too old to be this lost with no prospects for finding a new qpp, on top of everything else. When I was with him I felt like everything was going right but near the end of his deployment, maybe even the whole last month, or two?? … It stopped feeling that way. But idk 3 months of it feeling perfect was still cruel to tease me with while none of it was real, not really, because we were so long distance and… why did he get back together with me?? That’s the part I really can’t believe. Why did he do this. I’m… now it actually is midnight, great. I need to go to sleep or at least do something to distract myself from these feelings. This isn’t productive. I’m waking up in 6 hours to go to work.

I just needed to get all this off my chest and maybe someone here would be sympathetic. (I think I crave validation that it’s fair to be this upset. Because my stupid EX queerplatonic partner… he’s basically acting like it’s not going to hurt me this much which is the absolute worst part of it all. How can he not GET this at this point, how huge of a deal this is, that telling me this right AFTER I say I have to go to bed is… like beyond… I want to say cavalier! I don’t want to forgive him for *this*, especially, which is petty probably and stupid but like I was resenting him for a long time for what he did deciding he wanted to get back together the day of my probably most extreme grief of my life when I was convinced he knew I was grieving… I only was able to mainly forgive him by realizing I didn’t want to be a person that expects people to read her mind and maybe I was overly confident in how well I’d conveyed my emotions, after all it was all only in text form and even my family I live with kind of missed how much I was a complete wreck… But yeah I’m back to resenting him I think. I can’t help it. It’s so hard. I feel so frustrated and exasperated and overwhelmed and disappointed and not in the mood. My grandmother is coming to town Friday. I need to be in a better state of mind for this.

If I am so lucky to enter a new qpr one day, or maybe even a romantic relationship idk… I’m not gonna let these things build the way I did this time. I’m not gonna worry about the state of my relationship or what the other person is thinking but keep all those things to myself. I… I’m kinda hoping I can have a queerplatonic relationship with a woman or nonbinary person next time actually. If there even is a next time. I really don’t see that as… well as a given. I imagine it’s like 50/50 whether I’ll have to give up on that dream. I could do it with someone of any gender but there’s something about the past 6 months… or more… that’s really got me latching onto femslash when it comes to fandom and the like and idk… I hate so much passing as straight?? Not as much as I hate not being in a relationship with my queerplatonic partner anymore of course but I think I’d rather be falsely assumed to be gay than straight at this point in my very asexual life…

The past… almost two years, like 22 months since I’ve known him, have been a little bit of a roller coaster, mostly happiness, and I have a lot of good memories and he’s… if not “the” love of my life, (which of course is a lame thing for someone on the aromantic spectrum to say… I’m sorry) he’s been “a” love of my life for sure. He’s been such a hugely life changing relationship and it’s…

I don’t know.

I’m gonna tag some people. Sorry this is long and super personal and I’m such a mess. It’s 12:30 AM and you all mean so much to me and know parts of this part of my life already.

@purrplelace @bookgirlfan @notrocketsurgery @quarticmoose @peppersandcats @supsi85 @aceadmiral @only-fragments

Tell me, please, if you read this? Thanks.

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altalemur · 8 years ago

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was tagged by @whosthathufflepuff so here we go

1. How tall are you? 5′4″. i am the short.

2. What colour and style is your hair? dark brown, and currently rocking the pidgeotte hairstyle (long on top, shaved on side and back). i used to dye some of it green, but that gets expensive.

3. What colour are your eyes? green with yellow inner-ring, although they are prone to change colors a lot.

4. Do you wear glasses? most of the time. i am nearsighted, so i take them off a lot if on the computer, reading, or working on crafting projects

5. Do you have braces? no, but i do have a pretty big gap in my front teeth. that’s how i whistle.

6. What is your fashion sense? very different depending on if i’m at work or personal time. at work, it’s business casual with khaki pants, button-up blouse and sweater vests. at home my style varies a lot between masculine: baggy jeans and t-shirt and/or hoodie or flannel shirt; feminine: dresses and nail polish and tight pants showing off my great ass; to miscellaneous/androgynous: tunics galore, large belts, boots, unicorn headband. it depends on my mood and how my gender feels that day.

7. Do you have any siblings? two older sisters. they are twins. fraternal, not identical. but we all look like clones of our mom, so we might as well be identical triplets when we were little. we look a bit more different now. i am the youngest and the queerest.

8. What kind of student are you? the kind who had severe mental health problems, and was only sometimes given disability accommodations. so basically i had a lot of potential (according to others), tried my best, but still slipped through the cracks. i got my Bachelors in Arts for Anthropology by the skin of my teeth.

9. What are your favourite subjects? anything that required critical thinking skills; i SHINED. loved biology, literature, languages, and of course anthropology. the gems that i really loved were a genetic biology class, a sex biology class, a human skeleton class, and another physical anthropology class. all of them were fantastic at proving that biology, sex, and gender are all a muddled spectrum on which humans enforce a binary limitation. also i got to handle real bones a lot.

10. What are your favourite TV shows? uh........ Star Trek Deep Space Nine? as far as tv shows i’m willing to watch over and over and over and over being the measurement for “favorite”

11. Favourite Books? pfffftttttt too many to list. i have an affinity for sci fi and fantasy. but gonna say the top hitters are A Door into Ocean by Joan Slonczewski; and Species Imperative series by Julie E. Czerneda. 12. Favourite pastime? craft projects, and reading fanfiction. right now i’ve been doing a lot of sewing. i also do a lot of woodburning. i also just finished One Punch Man anime and am looking for good fanfiction in it. i do a lot of fanfic plotting, (especially ways to subvert dominant narratives) but don’t write very much.

13. Any regrets? that i ever moved back to Indiana, instead of staying in Connecticut, or at least the East Coast. this place is a fuckin hell hole. my family is the opposite of supportive. and i’m employed by bigots who think they’re progressive.

14. What is your dream job? dream dream job? i want to be the Nonbinary-Autistic Margaret Mead. (slightly) more realistically? i want to be paid a living wage to sew grocery bags for low-income homes (and teaching sewing skills/home ec skills as well). like i am kinda in awe of these nonprofit bakeries and other small businesses that employ people who are “undesirable” by society (low income, homeless, disabled, ex-convicts, etc) and teach them skills that help them become more “valued” by society. i’d love to be able to make my own such place that focused on sewing and other home ec stuff. alternatively, an even more far-out dream, i’d like to bake medicinal cannabis chocolates for autistic/ADHD/PTSD people.

15. Do you want to get married? eeeehhhhh..... kinda? i mean i’m not averse to the idea. but i have a feeling i’m more likely to do it out of economic desperation than out of love. it’s a pretty flawed system, and the only reason to “marry” over just living with someone is for the economic benefits. ideally, i’d want to be a part of a polyamory/clan. about a dozen people, but i’d settle for five adults, as long as there was only one or two kids being raised.

16. Do you want to have kids and how many? i mean definitely i don’t want to produce biological children. but i am not averse to nurturing children in a parental manner.

17. How many countries have you visited? none. i am very bitter about this. but i am poor and disabled. so there ya go. i tried studying abroad in college, but they wouldn’t let me due to my grandfather dying (and apparently they were worried i’d kill myself while overseas).

i’m tagging @madamekoosdisco @down-sizing @not-so-superheroine @becausedragonage @tauntedoctopuses @kelasparmak @autismserenity @winblossomwin @twisting-vine-x @dawnavis

#random reblog

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