#esp as a people pleaser myself

[timethehobo]

This part in the unlockable audio files hit me like a damn train. Words to live by tbh.

[theha1r]

🔥 - i'm evil ... so ... steve

( send the fire emoji for an unpopular opinion )

oooh boy oh-ho-ho, okay buckle in everyone - this is gonna be a long ride -

1 - gonna go ahead & get this one out of the way ... steve would in no universe, under any circumstance, in any way - shape - or form ... date fucking b.illy h.argrove. i really feel like i don't need to explain this one but yeah thanks, he would never. he wouldn't even CRUSH on him (eddie is his one & only (canon) bi awakening thank you!!!)

2 - steve is not an asshole. he can be bitchy, he was a douche in school & definitely not the greatest person - but he is not an actual mean person. like - maybe if he was in a bad mood or in a fight with someone, he could say something really mean - but it's not something he'd do normally. like he's not just some giant asshole who treats people like shit

3 - steve wouldn't accept anyone being an ass to nancy. he wouldn't accept robin shunning her bc of their past. he forgave nancy a long time ago & expects other people to as well. just because she hurt him, if he forgave her - they need to as well. after all it's HIM she hurt & it's not like it was done intentionally

4 - steve isn't stupid. he struggles with learning & school, yes. he's not the most booksmart, yes. but he's not fucking stupid. he's not some braindead idiot who can't tell right from left. he might not always spell things right, he might not know big words but acting like he's a five year old child who's never been on the planet earth before is a bit much. not to mention he canonically showed off his smarts SEVERAL times. everyone forgets if it wasn't for him, they never would've figured out the russians were working at/under the mall

5 - steve being in love with nancy still, or again, in s4 was lazy & stupid writing & never should've happened & makes no sense. he was canonically over here & trying to move on a season before. literally admitted while on TRUTH SERUM that he wasn't in love with her anymore. it literally shows no growth for him to just reduce him back to a shipping box & have him revolve around nancy again. especially when nancy herself has moved on & is in a happy relationship

6 - everyone claims steve is the d.uffer bros favorite, but he is NOT. he might be a fan favorite but the duffers don't give af about him. they wouldn't have done above if they did. they wouldn't continuously put him through hell & back if they did. he's literally a marketing ploy to them/st in general/netflix. they know everyone eats him up & uses those stupid 'steve harrington has to live' or whatever type marketing things to bring in the money

7 - calling steve a 'fan favorite' is even a bit of a stretch because genuinely most people only like him because he's hot. or bc joe is. & they crush on him & think he's attractive & the whole babysitter thing does it for them. or they also just think of him as 'haha goofy stupid funny hot guy who gets beat up all the time'. that's how most people outside of the actual steve stans see him, people don't give him depth - including the writers themselves

8 - FOR ST/CANON/80S VERSE SPECIFIC - i genuinely don't think steve would know what being bi was or that 'liking both' is an option or whatever without meeting robin. or another 'already have figured out they're queer' person. like i just simply don't think he'd just have that already known without some help. like - maybe he could know he liked guys for certain ships getting together pre-robin & all but i don't think he'd know the details of stuff already without a queer person in his life

9 - slight usfw but probably one of my most controversial, in the steve/steddie/st fandom at least, STEVE IS A SUB, & HE'S ALSO A BOTTOM. THAT'S ALL. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

10 - this is going to be the most controversial thing i've ever said on this blog bc it's going to surprise & shock the fuck out of so many of you & no one's going to believe i'm actually saying it but .....................

steve should've died in s4 instead of eddie. NOW HEAR ME OUT - obviously there's no universe where i want steve to die & this is ONLY IF someone 'had' to die. but i think it should've been steve. steve is a character that's been around since s1, who was - in fact - supposed to die in s1. we know him, we love him, but we've got to watch a life for him play out on screen before us. maybe not the best life. but still. he was canonically in a good place by the end of s4, for the most part. like generally seemed happy & all. he gave that whole speech to nancy that literally screamed a 'i'm about to die' speech. it would've been sad as fuck, but i think it would've been a better narrative. to watch a character we've gotten to know & have at least four or more so years with die. & it still would've given dustin the whole 'losing older brother type figure' situation. we'd get to watch the characters grieve someone we actually knew, not someone we only knew for nine (eight? idk i'm tired i forget how many s4 eps rn) episodes & most of the characters barely knew -. it would've been a lot more impactful & shown that the duffers weren't afraid to take risks & actually kill off their mains & show us no one was safe. & then eddie could've stepped into steve's role & wouldn't have lived such a short time & would've shown that the duffers could break out of their 'we're gonna kill off this character you just me this season' trope ...

[moe-broey]

Thank you transwomen (in general but also) for the term "boymode" bc using that terminology for myself as a transguy (so, "girlmode") has been the only way I've been able to aptly and succinctly describe whatever the hell was going on *vaguely gestering to my adolescence from ages 15 to 19* there.

[pcetstcrtured]

omfg i totally forgot i wanted to add whiskey from glass o.nion to this blog when i returned (bc i watched it for the first time last month) so she's getting added too lmao (ig if you wanna request a starter from her too feel free to)

[rosemarie333]

Astro Observations/Opinions (Vedic Edition😋)

Hello guys! This is my first astro observation so I hope y’all like it, if not then😗

These are based on my perspective of placements and signs, so take what resonates and leave what doesn’t🫶🏾 I’d love to hear y’all’s take as well!

ANTYWAYSSS (spelled it like i say it) let’s get started😈😈😈

1. Solar women are so mentally strong (as are Saturnian Women) like they won’t bend backwards for anyone ESP a man. Always giving boss bitch energy and super independent. Some of the ones I met can be egotistical as well lol

2. I know people might think mercurial people talk the most shit because it’s mercury but out of all the shit talkers i know BABES ITS THE SATURN MFSSS. like they are the ones that will be telling and spilling the tea to their friends and talking the MOST shitttt likeeeeeereeeeeee that’s crazy. They are often like “bitch i gotta tell u abt xyz” like BABYYY and don’t let me get started if it’s paired with like rahu or even ketu like even ketu people talk the most shit too like and they’re the ones that are called “detached” but lord and behold LMAO crazy

3. Mercurial people really are all or nothing. U either meet them when they are at their highest and at their lowest like there’s no in between. When they are at their highest they thrive so well and they can radiate their happiness onto others as it’s kinda hard for them to get there. Deals with a lot of insecurity and abuse and they take it out on the ones who doesn’t deserve it more than the ones who do like it genuinely believe that if they told the people who hurt them what’s up then it’ll take a BIGGGGGG boulder off their shoulders and then they can begin to heal (even if it’s through letter that they burn or whatever like BITCH GET IT OUT). Y’all don’t have to take it out on others WERE BETTER THAN THIS😭😭😭 as a mercurial myself i get it like it’s hard asf esp when abuse and pain is all u know it’s so easy to get wrapped into that. tbh i’m dealing with handling my emotions better and im trying to use my poison as medicine as one would say (its hard but with having jupiter in the 1st house i can’t linger in negative thoughts or emotional all the time like at max an hour or three but forgetting abt it which holds on to it rather than expressing because when i hold onto i start to isolate myself and then i burst when it’s too much, yeah 😞 working on it tho)

4. Rahu people are like maritans mixed with jupiterians like very bold and EXPRESSIVE but like to have a good time like jupiterians. Super duper expressive.

5. Magha placements be feeling like royalty at all times and AS U SHOULD BOO LIKE DO U. LMAO i say bc i have a magha moon friend who calls me a peasant when he wants to be sassy like LMAO okayyyy

6. Jupiter men are the ones with the big body counts LoL everyone I met be fucking like they wont live tmr like calm down sir😭

7. Moon women are conservative lol. they are def the ones judging other women for being out there when in reality they wish they could to bc lunar women are often people pleasers unfortunately 😩. Ngl i deadass think that MANY moon women are closeted like baby it’s okay U DONT HAVE TO HIDE. But one thing about lunar women THEY LOOK GOOD IN ANYTHING OMFG

8. Dhanistia omg man or woman bitch y’all have a certain magnetism to y’all and DAMNNNNN like i’m obsessed esp with the girlies. Like y’all are so confident and have such a strong aura like y’all make me wanna get out of my SHELL 🥹

Anyways that’s ittttt hope y’all liked it.

[the-world-of-nai]

birth chart analysis: harry styles

today we are analyzing our air king, harry styles. i have noticed i've only been analyzing women so i wanted to switch it up. harry's chart kinda scares me, at least his big 6. anyways, let's get to it!

DISCLAIMER: this is just my interpretation of and opinion on his chart. it is not absolute truth, nor do you have to agree with it, but i'd like to hear your thoughts in the comments :) every sign has its shadow traits. i have aquarius and libra in my chart, but i will be pointing out the shadow traits of these signs. astrology is just for fun, not that deep. i feel the need to make this disclaimer as people are seemingly offended by some of my astro notes...

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sun in ♒︎, 11°

ah yes, the aqua sun. what is there not to love? the pickmeisha behaviour? the emotional unavailability? the know it all syndrome? LOL ANYWAYSSSS BEFORE ALL THE BUTTHURT PEOPLE COMMENT I WAS JUST KIDDINGGGGGGG (i am an aqua myself, okay? i'm allowed to make these jokes💅). so this placement makes harry a mercury influenced aqua (if u are dumb that just means he is an aqua with some gemini vibes sprinkled onto him). off the bat, we can say that harry is a humanitarian at heart. he wants to change the world and be known for some big innovation. he has a way with words. he likes to learn new things, but he is quite set in his own convictions. harry believes that he is smarter than most people, and he is probably right. developed aquarians are open-minded, but they are hardly wrong about things so their beliefs/convictions don't change much. the shadow side to this is (drumroll plz) KNOW IT ALL SYNDROME!!! with all that aqua in his chart, harry believes himself to be a genius but he is also above the school and education system. 2 cool for skool. did i mention how rebellious he is? harry is a stubborn person in general. he is either super traditional, or super liberal in his beliefs. he does not like to follow the crowd. he likes to come to his own conclusions on things and he has a dislike of sorts for those who cannot think for themselves. harry is eccentric, social, friendly, accepting of others, and a bit flighty if anything. he has some special snowflake syndrome for sure. he likes getting attention for his innovative ideas. he wants to be a pioneer of sorts. he likes to stand out for his uniqueness, so to speak. he wants to help the world and make it a better place. i mean, just look at his merch LOL. he wants to encourage people to be their most authentic selves, because he cannot imagine not living that way.

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moon in ♎︎, 11°

bro idk what it is with these celebs and libra moons! 3/4 of my analysis now have libra moons. it does add up though because libra moons value social status and luxury. harry is charming, emotionally aloof, attractive, and likeable. he is someone who does not like conflict. he values peace, harmony, and manners. MANNERSSSS. he is polite and sweet to people. he may be fake sometimes and pretend to like people who he doesn't like lol. he knows how to make others like/trust him and he can easily use this to his advantage (read: take advantage of other ppl after making them feel special and showering them with compliments!!). overall, he is very concerned with what is right. he will stand up to bullies, esp with that aqua influence. he likes fashion, luxury, status. he cares a good deal about his looks. he can be quite experimental/unique in his fashion tastes. he is not a very emotionally reactive person. it is rare to see him yell or get very angry. he is calm, cool, collected. a people pleaser at heart. he may have a strong conscience/gets guilty easily. he is indecisive on his feelings. he is a romantic and he longs to be in a partnership. he is very social and always wants to be around people because it energizes him, gives him meaning. the approval of others is important for his self esteem. without it, he may feel empty inside.

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asc in ♎︎, 28°

again, it is all about the MANNERSS with this man. he is so polite and charming. all smiles and compliments. a 'gentleman' so to speak. he is medium tall, beautiful smile, pretty boy. always well kempt and effortless beauty. quite aloof and detached when you meet him (and lowkey always cuz like he's all air). he is the type of person that u meet and u swear he was flirting with you, but then u see that he flirts with everyone LOLLLLLLLLL. he may be a hugger. makes people feel quite special. again, cares a good deal about his looks. to harry, meeting new people is like a game: how fast can i make this person like me???

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mercury in ♒︎

okay harry, we get it. you are not like other girls!! with mercury in aqua, harry likes to learn. he likes to write. he may be good at learning languages. he has a way with words, albeit a bit of a unique way. he is curious. he is fun to speak to. he may be interested in weird niche things like the occult, anime, poetry, etc. he likes to know about the world. could also be into debating and/or politics, esp with that libra in his chart.

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venus in ♒︎

more aqua, are we shocked?? taylor swift also has a venus in aqua,,, soulmates? so basically this means many things. harry treats his lover like his best friend. this can make his lover wonder if they're even special at all lol. to his loved ones, harry is generous, caring, friendly, accepting, understanding, and quirky. though he is non-committal and flighty as well. he values mental connection above all else. he wants someone who he can have good conversations with; someone who stimulates him mentally. he may be the type who is open to poly relationships LOLLLLLLLLLL or like sexual experimentation?? with all this aqua lmao. he has a very unique/eccentric sense of style.

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mars in ♒︎

harry does NOT CAREEEEEEE. he does not get mad or vengeful, he is a just a go with a flow dude who wants to have a good time. harry does not hold grudges either lol. again, he is rebellious and marches to the beat of his own drum. he does not like to be told what to do. he honestly could not give less of a fck what other people r sayin. he has his own methods when it comes to getting his projects done. his work ethic is: i will work when i feel like it! and if u tell him to work, he is less likely to do it because it triggers his aqua rebellion instincts.

anyways it's kinda hard to elaborate further cuz this man is just an aquarius through and through LOL.

₊✩‧₊˚౨ৎ˚₊✩‧₊

thank you all for reading! lmk your thoughts below. who should i do next??

[withlove-xixi]

Hihi!! 🌻 again!! Not much of a request but an offering of some nsfw crumbs of my beloved Marcy if you’re interested in reading

I see her as a natural people pleaser, a service sub until her first orgasm, then turns into an absolute pillow princess

Slightly bratty but doesn’t mean to be! More whiny “noo not like that! Like thisss..” more than demands. She’s just very specific on what she likes and wants

Doesn’t like being roughed or hurt, very vanilla and imma go out on a limb and say she doesn’t like any dildos used on her and if possible on her gf as well. A vibrator, mouth and magic girl 🎀

Hates getting her hair pulled because she cares so much about it. Also hates the after sex hair cause it tangles and ruins her otherwise well kept locks

HOWEVER!! She will absolutely melt when you put a strand of her hair behind her ear before making out before stopping for a sec to tie her hair properly.

Loves to cuddle after sex, esp laying her head down on tits or thighs while her gf plays with her hair gently, undoing her hair only to re do it in a protective sleeping style

Even as a sub pillow princess myself I’m willing to step up and please my bbg Marcy <33

That’s all!!! lol bye bye XiXi!! Hope you enjoyed ;)

-🌻anon

HELLO 🌻 THANK YOU FOR THE FOOD! i completely agree with you like yep! that's marcille alright! i think as well she's always either whining or pouting which is really cute hehehe!! + i think she gets a pretty big ego boost if you praise her too much (might even get a bit too cocky lol)

oh the babygirl princess ever!! she'd wear cutesy lingere too just for you <3 and aughhhahghahghhh (lesbianism in my veins .... i cant bear the thought too long ... .. . )

[hannahlovesluca]

I heard u do Nijisanji matchups can i have one please 🥺

Nijisanji male romantic matchup plz

Gender: cis female

Pronouns: she/her

Sexuality: heterosexual ally

Zodiac: Capricorn

Appearance: 5’2 African American hourglass body (although I’m more top heavy if you know what i mean) black curly wavy hair blackish brown eyes chubby cheeks wears glasses sometimes (im far sighted so it’s usually when driving in class or at the theater)

Mbti: infj

Enneagram: 2w1

Personality: kind smart funny motherly responsible empathetic anxious emotional moody perfectionist helpful people pleaser caring compassionate nerdy curious protective polite respectful indecisive fearful nervous introvert shy awkward clumsy low self esteem low confidence (more pertaining to my talents or personality then my looks) sassy sarcastic (I’m mainly these things with people i feel comfortable with like friends or family) soft spoken cute (my friends think im cute because i can be pretty innocent plus I’m small physically)

Likes: animals books reading writing fantasy magic sci fi anime music video games friends alone time learning personality quizzes sweets and bread helping being a part of something bigger than myself

Dislikes: spiders loud sounds people who harm others people who don’t take others into consideration (like make insensitive jokes or don’t consider the comfort of others or are mean just cause they can) people i care about not caring for themselves (im a hypocrite on this i take care of everyone else but not me) not being listened to weird holes and patterns math and tests (I’m being tested for a math disability and i have test anxiety)

Love language:

Giving: acts of service gift giving and physical affection (if they’re ok with it)

Receiving: words of affirmation and physical affection (although i can be shy about it)

Extra: i pace a lot i sing when im alone i talk to myself im a picky eater (mainly with textures) i have a cat i have minor ehlers danalos (a hyper mobility disorder) but it doesn’t hurt me like it does my sisters i get abdominal migraines which is basically like a migraine but instead of headaches it’s nausea

Thank you (lemme know if u wanna do a trade)

hello!!! honestly, you seem like such a great person!

i think you would do really well with…

Luca Kaneshiro!

Honestly, you guys have such diverse personalities that I genuinely just think you guys would get along great! Luca has stated before that he likes a more cat-like personality and shy people!

• He’s my oshi so im lowkey jealous but omg imagine him knowing about your disorder and carrying you/ giving you piggy back rides when you don’t feel so well or moving is extra hard for you <3

• he will make sure you’re always comfortable going on trips with him!! esp if youre a part of NIJISANJI and you have to go on a trip with him!!

• also, if you try to hide the fact that you’re not doing too well, he wont actually be mad, but he will pout and tell you to take care if yourself and run around the house doing things for you. (omg imagine him making you something to eat in a little apron AHHHHHH)

• Luca does NOT hide his feelings, he loves telling you just how much he loves you (although he will be flushged unless you’ve been together for awhile, even then he might still stutter), he has absolutely no problem with PDA and poor boy just wants to show the whole world how much he loves you - NIJI rules be damned.

• if he gets jealous, say another man is flirting w you or got you something NO HESITATION HE WILL WRAP HIS ARMS AROUND YOUR WAIST im kicking my feet oh my god

• SPEAKING OF WAIST. you have an hourglass body OH MY GOD HE LOVES YOUR HIPS SM. you guys are cuddling, his arms are wrapped around your hips. Waiting in line? Hand on your hip. ANYTHING - his hands are on your hips

• Luca does not understand how you genuinely like reading, however, he will absolutely let you read him to sleep if he cant sleep!

• speaking of sleep if he’s sick and you read or sing him to sleep he will actually melt oh my god please love on this man he will actually do anything for you

• “Y/N, why do you love me so much?”

I COULD WRITE SO MUCH MORE FOR THIS MAN PLSSSS IM IN LOVE

[pinaasang-umasa]

quick longggg kuwento (part 1)

its been so longggggggg since i have my kuwento here. plenty of one-liners lang lagi para sa gist ng buhay ko. won't dig deep parin naman with my life kasi nasa ghosting-era parin ako.

i just realized kung gaano ako naging self-deprived sa lahat ng bagay since late last year. self-deprived talaga in all aspect!!!! cut some ties with people and socialization, like literal na bilang na bilang sa daliri ko yung mga alis ko with people. not that i always wanted to turn down gala, pero kasi i have my personal reasons kung bakit. had some prios, pero majority sa lahat ng yon pilit na pilit nalang at hating hati sa buhay ko.

minsan nga natatakot akong tanungin na kumusta ako, kung ano pinagkakaabalahan ko, esp na di narin ako active sa socmeds ko. pakiramdam ko na lagi akong inaabangan? na parang dapat lagi akong buhay. idk, siguro ako lang naman, na ang people pleaser pakinggan pero hng grabe, if i can just state everything sa kuwentong to, i would! pero hindi lang talaga ito yung right time pa para sa mga yon.

been working on myself too hard for months, na napapatanong din ako if ano na ba, if everything will be worth it ba? then in an instant, BOOM! a part of my life falls down in front of me, and ofc masakit pero wala naman akong choice kung hindi iswallow lahat kasi nangyari na :-)))

bottomline, i need to go back to square one kasi kulang pa, hindi pa ako enough, hindi pa ako capable, and i still need to work on myself kasi i know na hindi pa ako buo :-)))

[moonmeg]

I’m not entirely sure what’s happening with the host mom sis1 & 2 stuff, but it sounds not very fun so I wish you the best and am here to remind you things will get better either with time or your own decision.

I've been annoying everyone around me with my problems here.

My family, my friends in Germany and my friends here, my tumblr and instagram followers... I've been reporting negative things for a while now, most of the time related to the younger sister, and at this point everyone is tired of hearing it, so I started writing down my thoughts and feelings in my notes so I don't annoy people important to me with my whining and complaining.

In either way, all you gotta know is that the younger girl I'm "babysitting" is plain rude, mean and disrespectful (esp. to me) and she has been since the beginning of my stay here with the family, which dates back to end of September. I've been enduring it like an idiot because I'm too much of an optimist most of the time and I see the good in people a lot. At first I thought it might just be a phase. Then I gaslit myself in believing I am the problem and that if I just approached her differently, it would change. It took me 4 months and a visit back to my family and friends to wake up and finally admit that what is happening, the way I'm being treated is not okay and I must put an end to it asap.

Which is what I did. I have exactly two weeks left in Italy now. I'm going back on the 2nd of March and it feels like such a relief to know it's only so little time left and I'll be gone. It won't be my responsibility anymore. It won't be my problem anymore. I'm free. I'll have my parents back who I don't have to prove my usefulness to, my brothers who I can play and spend time with without fearing they'll get so incredibly mad at me for even asking, my friends, my cat, my waitress job, my time for drawing, my peace of mind (more or less), my home. I won't have to yearn for it anymore. It's so close to reach but still so far.

I don't have big problems with the host mother per say, she just sometimes makes me feel like I'm not enough and like I'm disappointing her and... well, for a people pleaser there's nothing worse than feeling like you've disappointed someone.

But yeah... still have my situations with the younger sister but I should be able to survive it to the 2nd of March.

[moodywyrm]

and i’d kiss you right back! 🤨💕 hugs and kisses all around lol. and don’t worry about writing when you don’t feel like it! there’s no hard deadlines to fill, no editors breathing down your neck. remember that you write for fun right now and that if you need a break, take it!

i’ve been preaching to myself recently that it’s okay to not be okay. its something so simple but so hard to grasp sometimes, for me esp 🥺 idk if you experience that too, but if you do, you deserve all the space to not be okay sometimes. there’s nothing abnormal about you, you’re not some anomaly when you take some time off (no matter how short or long) to take care of yourself. its more dangerous to try to fit into a mold that you’re not ready for, or push out progress when you really need to pull in restoration

if anyone else is reading this, i hope it helps them too!

— 🫧

me with u

I know, I try to let myself feel emotions more but I think I feel emotions in a different way bc of the undiagnosed whatever the fuck is happening in my brain so everything is so intense and ugh and o get sad so easily it sucks 💔I’m also a massive people pleaser and perfectionist it’s OGH

thank you baby, I hope it helps some of my followers too 💕

[dumbbitchfrommars]

its times like this, when im up in bed at 12am, irritated and worked up over a situation that has passed and rightfully PISSED ME OFF... WWKD?

What Would Karen Do?

im such a pushover. im such a people pleaser. i am doing things that benefit people - maybe people who are earning fucking commission or maybe people who are genuinely just not right in the head and fucking haters - at my own detriment. when in reality, in all fucking truth, i would like to be selfish for once in my life. i would like to put myself first. i would like my needs to be met and come first. and i would like to not be fucking BLINDSIDED AND TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF. that bitch at dusk will meet her fucking maker. i have officially sent all my spirit guides and angels to reign hell on her fucking existence. but to be fair - it probably is already shit enough as it is. stupid dumb fucking bitch. who told you you could take advantage of ME? you dumb white trash whore. jealous of me? racist much? hate me cause im prettier than you? or just assuming i have more money than you... because i was never well off and learned how to work FUCKING HARD TO TREAT MYSELF. but there is no way in hell or on earth i will just WASTE MY PRECIOUS MONEY BASED ON YOUR LITERAL FUCKING LIES AND DECEPTION. I AM NOT FUCKING HAVING IT YOU DUMB WHORE. I WILL COME IN A REIGN HELL ON YOU!!!!!!!!!

in reality i have damaged the product and likely wont get a refund. but i will get my $10 back. im not joining some stupid fucking rewards program that benefits me in 0 fucking way. stupid bitch. stupid lying slut. i should have never asked you for a birthday deal. im stupid for thinking id be treated well on my birthday. ighruzegrsjkbzrgdhjkSEFGhkhjkrwh

im so angry. i want to go first thing tomorrow morning to be honest. but i have plans. but this is gonna be bothering me all day. ugh. ugh. ughuigrhri;gjeijbg; maybe i should get the girls together for backup and we all go together. now that would show her. esp if she was doing it because shes racist. ooooh girl will i make you wish you were dead. that youd never messed with a divinely protected brown queen like me.

god is teaching me a huge lesson about speaking out for myself. this is just simply NOT sustainable for me anymore. i need to protect myself cause no one else will. no one else ever has. and i refuse to let my life suffer because of it. i deserve to be a princess. i deserve to be selfish. i deserve to come first. i deserve to get special treatment. because im fucking special. yes, my existence makes you angry. it should. cause it means im doing something very right and youre doing something so wrong that you hate to be made fucking aware of it. grrrrrrrrrrr

[movingonup-diary]

I am so sad for my inner child. I literally feel so much grief for her, it’s my job to be the parent she deserves. My mum always had complex emotional needs that needed to be unpacked and rewired. Instead of getting the help she needed, I mean mental health was a myth in a Nigerian household, she instead made her children and husband attend to her emotional world. It’s so bad that my emotional world can only exist through an outpouring online, underneath the covers of my room or through overthinking. I find some much joy in experiencing the world with others but inside, am I happy? What does a happy internal world feel like?

I came into this relationship with a deep fear that I will be her toxic ex. Because I didn’t truly know myself. Now I know what that toxicity looks like. If I never met her, I would still have my friend. Somewhat, I’m resentful and grateful because all that was revealed was a side of my friend that I couldn’t accept. Her dark side is my trigger. To have my reality or side of the story denied because she’s too selfish to feel compersion for me. I don’t feel like I can trust people anymore. But do I have to? I trust God, humans will always be humans. Even me, this week I have been my intimidating shadow that has now scared my friends. But this shadow is how I speak with confidence and enter the spaces I am in. I am scared of no one. Especially not my mum. She needs me more than I need her. She’s already shown her hand many times. The only thing is I don’t learn into my power, the vindictive spirit I have to fuck up her toxic family system. I’m still protecting her from a total breakdown by staying tightly in my role. It’s my certainty. I fear uncertainty. What if I am harmed by others by trusting them too much?

But I am not a bitch. I will deal with the uncertainties of life by keep my principles. I don’t like being perceived as a people pleaser anymore. I like being perceived as reasonable, kind, forgiving, nurturing, helpful and a good confidant. But people pleaser no, everyone must proceed with their base lowered and ultimate guidance because I will cuss. This is also why I’m just not sure about the friendships in that group anymore. I would rather meet people one on one, people only cared about keeping up the dynamic than the fact my friend and I feel out. Did they even reach out to her to check on her? Yes I said mad shit but hearing her out does matter, even if I know she will lie. They thought I was asking her take sides, whereas I know I was taking a stand against her bullying someone with a chronic health issue and spreading a rumour and manipulation to get me to see my love interest in negative light for having her safe zones. Does the dynamic matter more than addressing bad behaviour head on? Than holding her accountable. That’s all I cared about. I assumed they had the same principles considering all the performance they do for celeb abusers. But maybe I’m projecting. But just fuck everyone. But I’m keeping the peace still. I will be investing more into my new relationships. Esp when it comes to work. I need to get into my mindstate of hustling and hustling hard. I know how to get everything going. I need to learn into everything with every fibre of my being. I don’t have time for friends that aren’t serious. That aren’t aligned with the greater mission to make a better world. They have failed the test fr.s

I think their anxiety comes from not being actually able to live up to my values. A lot of them do not support my work and it lowkey sucks. I let it be but I need more vitalising relationships, I am settling so so much. Even seeing my girl and her friends and how they pour into one another. Only very few people give me that. I need to invest more in strengthening this than reliance unfulfilling old dynamics. My roller skating club is the source of my enjoyment with friends and new friends. I am hanging out to the old rather than embracing the new where I get a lot of happiness. The old friendship dynamics is again this same thing if playing this role to reduce the anxieties of people with severe anxiety issues. They do not want to be perceived, I do want to be perceived because I want to be heard and listened to. I want to embody the voice of oppression as a powerful force change in perspectives. I want to guide the next generation of leaders. I want to open up the portals for the worlds healing through the processing of my own pain born of generations of abject poverty in Nigerian. I don’t aspire to stand on the shoulders of great leaders, I already am great by just existing, being where I am at, being alive.

[pcetstcrtured]

also shout out to everyone who posted abt letting people spam you the real ones (particularly @legbite @lcveblossomed & @storybounded ), you rlly helped a planet out <3

i diiiiddddd ittttt!!! all three badges earned hell yes. anyways feel free to spam me for all your boopin needs (ONLY IF WE KNOW EACH OTHER/ARE MUTUALS) while there’s still time left! i think i shall try to be productive now but this was so much fun def my fave april fool’s bit since i’ve been on this hellsite (tumblr memories being a close second tbh)

[silantryoo]

when i’m in a toxic relationship i don’t argue, i just try to calm the situation, not bc i’m not toxic but bc i’m a people pleaser 💀 so that wouldn’t work unfortunately

treat yourself 🫶 me and my friends got mcdonald’s after class like an hour ago even tho it was early (idk how i have the money for food tbh)

i rarely pull all nighters but i do stay up really late most nights

yes. an amoeba, i hope u turn into one. bc u are a single-cell organism

also i found a big heart shaped rock in my driveway when i was leaving earlier :) but bro my allergies are so bad rn i hate it

-🧸

IM SORRY BUT BEING A PPL PLEASER IS SO GAY OF YOY I 😭😭😭

bro if i could treat myself i would but im too broke i need money to be happy

me too and its bc im playing roblox until like... 4am

HOW AM I A SINGLE CELLED AMOEBA BRO???,, FIRST IM NAEVIS THEN IM MICROSCOPIC WHAT DO YIY WANT TME TO DO ATP 😭😭😭😭

i love hearted shape things (esp those lolipops for valentines day bc they alw taste so fucking good) its j cute. imagine having allergies tho 🤡🤡

[spoonless-sunflower]

I had a work meeting the other day and so many people referred to me as "she" and idk how to politely assert my they/thems. Like I'm usually really lenient with pronouns as long as I feel seen and understood you know? But maybe I'm just having one of those gender moods where I'm feeling a bit more masc so the "she"s felt extra wrong and upsetting 😭

I feel weird abt it bc I never feel THAT masc even during a more masc period. And the way I speak is incredibly feminine esp at work bc I grew up a little people pleaser so I have this sugary sweet tone I put on in social situations with acquaintances and colleagues.

A part of me feels like if I don't ever change that tone, I'll never outgrow the "she"s. Like maybe even if others keep calling me she ill stop caring bc maybe I'll respect myself more if I speak in a way that's less "please don't hurt me I'm so nice" and more "I know who I am I know what I want I know what I'm doing."

But even just thinking that sounds kinda mean?? It's so ingrained in me 😭