#entry 18

[w3lcom3tomylif3]

1/21/2023

Well... It was a good run, wasn’t it?

I’m surprised we even lasted this long, despite my depressive outbursts and intruding thoughts. 

I hadn’t felt like this in a long time. I’m in love with my best friend, and unfortunately, there’s nothing much I can do, except to try and survive. He said he wouldn’t fall for someone anymore... That he needed to take care of himself and his mental health. He told me to call him out and call him stupid and that he needed to snap out of it if he ever ended up with someone, yet that’s exactly what he did. After such a long time, he’s finally talking to someone. He says it’s not serious but I know it is. He showed me his phone. 

COME ON!

If you’re not serious about someone, you won’t write L____ with a fucking goat emoji and a stupid yellow heart next to their goddamn name... You don’t just fucking call them baby...

Why can’t he just be real with me? Why is he so afraid to just tell me that’s he’s talking to someone? WE ARE FUCKING FRIENDS FOR FUCKS SAKE! Don’t I at least deserve that instead of constantly being left on read and ignored? Are my feelings not good enough because I already gave everything I had and he’s bored of me now? What kind of fucking person does that, especially if you call that person your best friend. Please make it make sense. 

I knew he distanced himself from his friends whenever he’s talking to someone new... I guess in a way I still had hope he would care for me or would maybe even try to actually get to know me, but no. Now that he’s ready to date, he doesn’t even think of me. I have to be stronger than this. I have to be able to survive this, but how? 

Now my phone has no messages from him. It’s like I’m holding a conversation with myself and it fucking sucks. I’m used to settling with so little, yet he can’t even give me just that?! I won’t lie, I don’t wanna be here anymore, but I also don’t wanna give him the satisfaction of having me gone. I’m his friend at the end of the day and that won’t change, but I’m not planning on waiting for him forever. It hurts like hell, but I think I might overcome this, somehow. Life will suck, since for the past 3 years, he has been my life, but now it’s time to start all over and move on. Sorry Yehim

Wish me luck. Be right back

- J

[bitter-shy]

Dear Diary,

I've never wanted to take care a man more than I want to for this one??? Like come here you big baby even though you act so manly and quiet in public. I love you.

Sincerely, OH MY GOWSH

[entry333]

OH CREEPY PALE GUY DOLL !!!!! i wanna remake that i think it would be fun :3 also hiiii tim really ran after him like a dog huh OH SHIT HES HAVING A SEIZURE !!!!! i wonder what causes those....oh shit he spoke ? he said no....for some reason i was convinced they cant speak um guess its just headcannon then :p

oh he brought a knife hrmmmmm interesting things to consider

[bored-butneverboring]

christening this sideblog with the companion art piece i did for my upcoming anxienn human au fic. UPcoming cuz i had the initial beta read done but haven't started the second draft LMAO

[still-breathing-au-p3r]

[continued from here] [first post for October 18th]

Akihiko pulls a long, slow breath in and out through his nose. He feels both relaxed and energized, loose-limbed and pleasantly charged the way he does after a good warm up. His eyes have even drifted closed at some point.

So that’s what a second awakening is like, huh? He wouldn’t have guessed it would be so…comfortable. The brand new presence in the back of his head is unmistakably different from Polydeuces, but just as effortlessly familiar. Had it been the same way for Amada?

He opens his eyes to find Shinji staring at nothing in particular, his mouth slack with surprise. As Akihiko watches, his gaze refocuses but loses none of its astonishment as it snaps to meet Akihiko’s own.

“...Aki, what the hell was that?” 

For a moment, Akihiko isn’t certain what he’s talking about. The only thing he can think of is… “Wait,” he replies. “You saw it too?” Were second awakenings actually visible to everyone? Or maybe just to Persona users? And outside of the Dark Hour, too–

“I–” Shinji clutches loosely at the front of his hospital gown with his free hand. He drops his gaze again, his brow furrowed in concentration, eyes darting back and forth like he’s trying to examine the inside of his own heart. “Castor, he…”

Oh. Everything suddenly clicks into place. It hadn’t been Akihiko’s awakening Shinji had seen.

“Yeah.” Akihiko is taken by surprise when the word comes out as a breathless laugh. “Me too. Polydeuces isn’t there anymore. It’s Cincinnatus now.”

Shinji’s mouth twitches upwards and he snorts softly. Akihiko suffers a moment of intense confusion before he realizes: mister-history-buff probably recognizes the name. He wonders what it says about him that Shinji finds funny; he’ll have to remember to look it up when he gets the chance.

The amusement slides from Shinji’s expression, replaced with befuddled concentration. His fingers curl and uncurl in the fabric over his chest. His other hand– the one still clasped solidly with Akihiko’s– flexes too. It doesn’t seem like he even realizes he’s doing it.

“Hey,” Akihiko murmurs, concerned. He’d been so caught up in how easy his own re-awakening had been that he’d just assumed it had gone the same for Shinji, and he probably shouldn’t have. After all, Shinji’s first awakening to Castor hadn’t exactly been…a peaceful event. He leans in a little closer and gives Shinji’s hand a brief squeeze. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothin’s wrong, that just felt–” Shinji’s jaw works silently for a moment. “So damn weird. It’s not– It isn’t bad, but it’s–”

“It’s a lot.”

“Yeah, no shit.” Shinji runs a hand through his hair, a nervous habit he’s never been able to break even after he started wearing a hat nearly twenty-four-seven (his other hand still hasn’t let go of Akihiko’s, and the realization hits like a bolt of giddy adrenaline). “I ain’t a fan of not knowin’ why it happened either.” 

“It happened to Amada too,” Akihiko says. “When he told us about it, Mitsuru said that it was something there had been theories about for a while, but that they’d never actually seen happen before. The idea is that if a person changes enough, their Persona can change too. She called it a ‘second awakening’.”

“Huh…” Shinji laughs. Just once, and the sound is thin and utterly exhausted. “I guess they recognized the promise we made too,” he says, slanting a tired, crooked smile at Akihiko.

It’s hard to breathe suddenly, like the tide of warm gratitude and affection that floods his chest is taking up all the space usually reserved for his lungs. He swallows past the knot in his throat.

“Yeah, I– I-I think they did.” Akihiko’s voice rushes out in a thick, emotional whisper.

His grip on Shinji’s hand tightens and the movement tugs Akihiko another centimeter forward. It strikes him now, for the first time, that he’s been leaning in like this for a while now. 

It strikes him, as well, just how little distance there is between him and Shinji’s smiling mouth– near enough to feel the warmth radiating from his skin. 

It would take so little effort to close that gap entirely, wouldn’t it?

The thought makes his jaw ache and his breath skip in his chest.

…What thought would that be, exactly? 

What the hell is he thinking? 

What the hell is he doing–?!

He can’t just–

He can’t.

He’s still leaning in closer to Shinji as though drawn by gravity, but he wrenches his attention away from the stupid, catastrophic impulse that had almost overcome him.

Instead Akihiko presses his forehead to Shinji’s and closes his eyes.

It’s an old, familiar gesture between them, and the wave of comfort it brings is so intense that it even overpowers (most of) his mortification, leaving him feeling very close to serene. 

Shinji sighs, long and relaxed, just as soothed by the gesture as Akihiko is. Mercifully, he says nothing about what Akihiko had nearly done.

He’ll think about that narrowly averted disaster later.

[lttledog]

March 18th, from the Diaries of Franz Kafka.

[slyandthefamilybook]

can't believe I have to say this but if you think Hamas is anything less than an antisemitic terrorist group of fundamentalist fascists then block me so I don't have to block you after reading your disgusting takes

[meirimerens]

meiri u have made me ship notkin and khan so bad. please tell me about ur vision, when will they fucking kiss. when will they admit that they're into each other. and also is capella suffering or entertained

i have been gifted by the muses the power to entrance people into caring about characters now Why these two when i have way funnier in stock many must wonder. the people yearn for childhood friends haters to lovers as grownups. flattered i am. do y;ou even care about my imaginary yurie between the rat catcher and aysa. I jest. flattered. anyways. it'll be quick because it's not like i have much on them

age 20 ish after khan has come back from whatever all-boys college he's shipped himself to to not have to cope with the fact he's becoming like his father minus the liking women thing and they both think "ooooh he's gotten better-looking stronger more intelligent less annoying while he/I was away"

also age 20 ish. before 1). i don't think the lapse of time between 1) and 2) is very long.

she's both. she has no romantic attachment to khan (and neither does he to her) so she dgaf about the loveless marriage thing and as such this is not what makes her #suffer, it's more the Are You Done At Once Can You Make A Move I Know You Want To Make A Move thing that makes her physically cringe. but it is equally entertaining. as previously mentioned

[prettyiwa]

11 October 2016 | 05:50

(previous) | (next)

Iwaizumi isn’t sure where his body ends and yours begins, not that he minds. Your soft snores offer a soothing lullaby that keeps him in a state of tranquility, keeps him from getting up too early on his day off.

How—indescribable all of this is. It’s been nearly three months now, living with you in California, but he’s still in a state of disbelief.

He keeps waiting for the moment he wakes up, the shift in reality to remind him that he’s simply imagining, dreaming, hoping for this outcome. It’s too good to be true, to finally be here with you, to be one step closer to that dream of his that’s starting to solidify.

No longer is it only for him to become a physical trainer, for him to work alongside professional athletes, to push them to be their best, but now you’re in the picture beside him. Before, he hadn’t given it much thought, not truly. But now? There’s hardly a day that goes by where he doesn’t find himself thinking of the future he wants, wondering what role you’ll play in it.

True to your sentiments earlier in the year, you removed yourself from your parent’s influence, finding outside funding for your education, finding a new place to live with Iwaizumi once his graduation went through. You’ve already taken such great steps to show him that you’re serious about him, that you’re serious about the relationship, regardless of what obstacles may arise.

You shift on his chest, drawing his focus down to you. There’s the subtle change in your breathing that suggests your imminent change in consciousness and he can’t help himself when his fingers start to trail through your hair.

“Mmm,” you hum lightly. “G’mornin’, my handsome man.”

“Good morning, sleeping beauty.”

Wriggling your way up, you press a sleepy kiss to the side of his mouth before a small yawn escapes you. He turns to press a kiss to your forehead, loving the tired look full of near reverence in your eyes.

“What’re we doing today?”

“What do you mean, ‘what are we doing today?’ You have class,” he asks, knowing you wouldn’t willingly miss a class now that you’re on an academic scholarship.

“Class is canceled. Teacher got sick. Go figure,” you mumble, reaching under your pillow for your phone. Unlocking your phone, the email is still the open tab on your phone, sent four hours ago. “We never get to do anything anymore. Why don’t we go out and experience nature?”

He chuckles at your pout, mulling over the possibility of a day hike. “I’ve been meaning to go to Joshua Tree.”

“C’mon, then! Let’s do it!” Your excitement is interrupted by a large yawn, accentuating how exhausted med school is leaving you. “Coffee first.”

“Whatever you want, doll. All you gotta do is ask and it's yours.”

Anything, anything at all.

over the course of 24 hours masterlist | haikyuu!! masterlist

[bookwyrminspiration]

squinting at a course i'm in rn just like. do I already know everything you're going to cover?

[brittlebutch]

a lot of people seem to use Entry #61 as 'proof' for the crux of the "Brian didn't care about Tim, he was Taking Advantage of Tim's conditions and Forcing him to work as part of totheark" thing, but honestly when you think about it there's no possible way Brian could have possibly orchestrated that series of events, like you almost have to interpret that as a baffling group of coincidences

[damonalbarnsgf]

i'm atp where i'm not sure i should apply to schools internationally cause to put it simply, my grades are not it:/

[television-overload]

Giggling kicking my feet at John Adams' first letter to Abigail Smith (later Adams) 😂😍

Figured I'd give my poor brain a break from fanfiction and read something perhaps more beneficial to my mental faculties, but then he's out here addressing his letters to "Miss Adorable" and formally requesting kisses as if he's placing an order for goods from a merchant 😂😂

I will settle for nothing less than a man that considers me his "dearest friend" BTW. I stand by that. That's a fact.

[moonshynecybin]

Callie I fear all the kayaking talk is making me want to watch it.

Where do you suggest I should start? Are there any documentaries? Or a racing calendar? Any fun personalities?

ummmm this one is hard... are you looking for sick stunts or are you looking for like. following the slalom racing community. because they DO overlap ! but its a different vibe for sure. one is a formalized racing series and the other is a buncha adrenaline junkies sending it on the largest rapid youve ever seen looking like a little leaf stuck in a sink of froth. also this sport is crazy niche and i have a hard time recommending personalities because i know some of these guys. like its small. bear with me

if you ARE looking to get into the racing, now is actually a good time because slalom is an olympic sport ! i got little bitches from wnc crawling all over paris rn like weevils. i recommend checking out people like current C1 olympic gold champion from australia JESS FOX and first woman to qualify for all three olympic paddlesports events EVY LIEBFARTH. i have no idea who is competing in the mens because i dont know any of those guys and i dont really care about them ! you can also do the time honored olympic tradition in finding out who was born closest to your specific geographic region and supporting THEM ! but im rooting for evy she owes my dad like $200 and i think thats funny. also i sold her some foam for her boat that im assuming is being used at the olympics which is funny to me. can my boat foam win a gold medal.

sick stunts: dane jackson is kind of objectively the best paddler in the world he wins the nonslalom races every year AND the freestyle championships etc, but my brother has beef with him and hes a nepo baby. like his dad owns a major kayak manufacturer. hes still good though. next its probably aniol serrasoles plus his brother. hilariously my brother ALSO has beef with him (he admits that its mostly his fault bc aniol had a smashed open nose at the time so no one was in a good mood). after that like. nouria newman (yelled at my brother and he deserved it. distinguished lesbian. my au dani pedrosa prototype bc she retired from slalom to do crazy expedition kayaking but still shows up and smashes the more extreme whitewater races a couple times a year. article about her here). ummm ben marr. never met the guy. i would also recommend checking out past green race vids, north fork race vids, the mountain games, and some fun carnage videos if you enjoy watching people flop as much as i do

[ratbastarddotfuck]

new job start 9am tomorrow morning gamers wish me luck