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*cracks knuckles* time to flex my godly power
jk i'm not a god i literally just have no life and listen to a shit ton of music so fei suggested that i use this hidden knowledge and daily post a kpop song and another random song that i think sound "similar" (i use the term similar lightly cause it might be a specific part of the song. also i have no clue if these are samples ????) please enjoy roasting me or agreeing with me idgaf
day 1 of posting a kpop song that sounds like another random song
#i have a whole playlist of these comparisons...#enough to last like at least half a year#oh and feel free to disagree with me lol everyone perceives things differently#(also not a totally subtle way to give song recs wdym!!)#🎵: daily song comparisons#Spotify
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character wrapped 2023 💥
tagged by @davidtennantpussytulpa ^-^ i didn't know how many to do so i copied tara and did top 10. i know the severance guys are Four Of Them but i can't separate them theyre all equally important to me
will graham (hannibal), em haywood (nope), aziraphale (good omens), mark & dylan & helly & irving (severance), hawkeye pierce (mash), martha jones (doctor who), ivan karamazov (the brothers karamazov), kim kitsuragi (disco elysium), stewy hosseini (succession), ruescott melshi (andor/rogue one)
i will tag... @fagician @britomart @libraryfag @roadwhores @majorbaby @globuspolski @hadleyfraserfaggot @tenderscience if u want to ^-^
#and now i will explain them all in detail#cos i started watching hannibal back in like. january or february and will immediately set up camp in my head and started to settle there#*I* pay rent to *HIM*. he lives there permanently. sweating and monologuing constantly#em was not only the character of 2022 but also of 2023 and of 2024 and the rest of the decade and all decades to come#she had such an impact on me keke palmer's performance will live with me forever and i love nope so fucking much#i almost didnt include her because nope was more of a last year obsession. but she lives on#aziraphale.........no comment#severance.......i love them all so much and at first i wanted just irving and then just helly and then i realise i cried over mark this week#and then i realised i couldnt possibly leave out dylan when hes probably my favourite character. so then i settled for all of them#hawkeye is my fucking wife. enough said#martha... well i knew i had to have a doctor who character. i thought maybe the doctor but then i thought their companions mean more to me#sometimes at least. i did have a fourteen icon for a while but then i was like but Donna..... and then i thought. well#these past few months at least martha jones has been eating away at my heart. i go batshit insane when i think about her#her impact. her grace. her power. so she had to go on the list.it was a toss up between her and donna for sure though#then i figured i had to include a karamazov since reading that book took up half of my year. and ivan was my favourite of the 3. so <3#kim goes without saying. literally nothing to be said hes the character Of All Time. to me#stewy also goes without saying ive had so many Stewy Save Me moments since the beginning of season 4 all the way to the end of the year#i miss him every day. he is the moment. i wish there was more of him all the time#and the last one is a bit of a wildcard cos all my insanity abt melshi has been on my andor sideblog.#but rest assured ive been thoroughly Not Normal about him. he literally side appears in 4 episodes and has 11 total minutes onscreen#but i love him. so much. and hes occupied most of my thoughts since september. once again his impact his power his grace. his homosexuality#enough said. that's all. thanks for reading. this was a great year for autism and madness#tag game#🍪
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All I know about the new descendants movie is osmosis from tumblr and combining that with the media I think of when someone says Alice in Wonderland is making for tbh the movie in my brain is probs very different than what I've heard the new one is like.
And that media is the Royal Ballet's Alice in Wonderland. Its a lovely comic ballet, and my favourite dances are The Mad Hatter's Tea Party (tap! in a ballet! also in this clip played by Steven McRae, who i want to know more about and watch more of his stuff as i have heard good things about from other dancers I know), and the Tart Adage, which is frickin hilarious. (also the way that the King of Hearts just droops around in the background and its like yup. thats Red's dad apparently.)
So uh everyone should watch these clips simply because they're amazing and I love them.
youtube
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#also i'm aware to an extent that the mad hatter or like his son or something is in the film#but i choose to ignore that character#as my brain already created a mad hatter kid oc and i dont want to part with her or change her#the oc is fully inspired by the ballet's mad hatter#his dancing#tap#and manner#and also colour scheme and outfit#her name is Rhiannon because i like the sound and also can be shortened to Riri which is fun and also the sound of rhi sounds like the end#of mercury#and mercury poisoning in hatters may be like the reason the hatter is the character he is#so fun times#her colour scheme is like a more toned down version of the hatter in the ballet#pinks and greens#with a fashion style that draws from a whole lot of eras from the last century and a half#nearly 200 years really#and also i have this half baked tap routine in my head to ALICE by PEGGY that i adore so that ties in nicely#also idk how much the film used wonderland#or backwards logic but im sure it was not enough#especially with mundane things#Riri shows up on her first day in a 1960s inspired shift dress like oh yeah i wore this because i didnt want to take up too much space in#my luggage#i packed the stuff that would take up the least room#open up her suitcases#eleventy billion petticoats spill out that definitely would take up more room than a shift dress#i love the 60s for her#especially with the wild patterns and colour combos you can see#also twiggy inspired eye looks#descendants#disney descendants
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trying to remember how to draw themTM
#rvb#red vs blue#agent washington#agent connecticut#its been YEARS since I last drew wash and ct lmao#i can say with certainty that at the very least ive untwinkifed wash and ive finally captured ct's soft squishy face since i last drew them#I traced the gun dont @ me okay#halo weapons and armor are hard to draw#wash always has helmet hair bc he just does not care enough to make it nice and neat#bro has better stuff to do like uh. winning wars and kicking ass#ct is the curviest pfl lady. she is soft and warm like mash potato#im also ignoring that ct is a solid half foot shorter than wash is
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have y’all been streaming kimikawaii~~?
#silly little edit from a few days back that i made while skipping a dinner with the extended family lmao#the rest of the mona cds (aside from the one in her hands) s t a y e d in bc fansa shichauzo yk#i miss mona… i w a s thinking about tling at least a few pages of idol sengen tomorrow (since it’s a holiday)#then i received the handover (of job tasks) that im apparently supposed to do on friday and. lol. byebye idol sengen…#man. im not even formally trained for like half of friday’s tasks… but o h w e l l.#as an aside: im not so secretly envious of the dude who joined at the same time as me. he seems to be vibing pretty well over ‘ere.#he even said that working is ‘like being in a school lab’ with the furnace being the most dangerous thing he has to use#but if this guy’s having so much fun w h y do i have to handle concentrated acids every day???? aaaaaaaa this isnt fairrrr#though. here’s a psa for all ye acid handlers out there: always make sure the exhaust of your fumehood/fume cupboard is switched on#aka ‘i thought that id be fine using the fumehood with the exhaust off bc i was just gonna pour 2 acids. then i saw the fumes.’#i dont think i’ll forget the sight of the white vapours wafting off my concentrated hydrochloric acid for at least 3 days…#um. well. that’s enough about work tales™️. anyway!!!! stream kimikawaii!!!!!#so glad kimikawaii mv dropped last week frrr it saved my life (exaggeration)#i even recalled my childhood friend(?) of sorts thanks to it even though i haven’t thought about him in years… wonder how he’s doing though…#aaaaand yup. that’s it from me~~~~ stream kimikawaii and manifest ckun mv for soon™️!!!! that’s all gn guys~~~~
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#these past two weeks have been so intense that ive just.. not spoken about it once i got home from work#blocked it all out#my beloved colleague whose desk is next to mine has cancer#breast and uterus. she needs two major surgeries#they just diagnosed her two weeks ago#so we've been trying to deal with that as colleagues and friends#because we love and miss her and i am so deeply sad as well#but i feel like i couldn't process that at all bc two days after the news of her diagnosis i was asked to take on half of her work#on top of my fulltime#which i agreed to do bc i like her tasks and i want to help her and i also know i can do it#but it does feel very off bc i know i don't earn enough money for this workload to be long term and it is def like this#for the coming four months at least#so i did tell my manager that i would like a raise and. that bitch told me to BUY MORE SECOND HAND SHIT.#i seriously thought i saw my life flash before my eyes#then the day after she asked one of my colleagues who's been with the firm for over 30 years whether she was looking for another job maybe?#which caused that colleague to instantly go home in tears and be home from basically a nervous breakdown the past 1.5 week#which is her full right and i support her with all my heart but bc my management sucks it meant that we had to also carry her tasks ofc#i felt soooo spread thin and super super angry actually but i didn't even realise how angry i was until last thursday my colleague w cancer#came by the office. and talked about all of it. and i suddenly realised how sad i was but then also how angry#but i was just blocking it all out trying to stay afloat#bc we told her about what the manager had said and she said “i hope that i get the chance to really tell her how it is someday.”#“because the stress she causes with people can actually kill you. just look at me.”#and the rest of the day i felt so ready to be done with everything actually#but seeing her anger made me see my own anger#and released me of my own pent up emotions bc i had actual leg pains this week and it was purely psychosomatic#i then managed to tell some friends yesterday about what was going on and their outrage spurred me on even more#so today i emailed hr. demanding a raise#doing this amount of work while constantly feeling like the house is on fire while also struggling financially seriously makes me suicidal#and i am not joking#so.. if nothing comes of that im leaving that job and not looking back
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how deal with taidan
#^ crying over saki for the second night in a row#i am Not Okay about the fact her taidan is exactly a year after her pb footage aired on sky stage#bc that was the very last thing where i was like ok yeah maybe saki IS my second fave of all time#feels weird to call her my second fave#shes like basically on par w aasa 😭 idk how else to word itjfhd#idk not the point i am just emotional and sad and will miss her dearly#but also wishing her luck in whatever she decides to do next whether that be in the public eye or not#also just feel so sad about how busy ive been recently 😭😭#was planning on going back and watching all her shinkos and leads that i havent watched yet before the 13th but uni hit me like a truck#and i have not have time 😔#have not had *#sorry if you are reading this 🙏 it is not coherent 🙏🙏 fjdhdjd#idk i was torn up enough over kiwa and this is about to be 4000x worse sofhdhdjd#did watch every sakigumi show in order a while ago w my gf and that was nice at least#idk man im excited for aasas run im sure itll be great im just so not ready to say bye to sakigumi#god if youd have told me when i first got into zuka i would be this torn up over saki leaving i would not have believed you#but here we are#at no point was i expecting to get This Attached to saki but it just kind of happened#aasas fault whatever#fjhdjdhd#sorry none of fhis is coherent i do not know how to organise or articulate my thoughts#idk i love s4kiaasa so much#getting to watch them together both on and off stage for the last two and a half years ish since i got into zuka has meant so much to me#i hope they both continue to thrive and i look forward to seeing what they do next
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Dresses that are nice but they're only made to fit you if you're 5'5 T____T
#tried on THE CUTEST dress in a medium but the waist was too high up and the skirt wasnt long enough#tried a large then and the waist was too big and the skirt STILL wasnt long enough!!#its the kind of style of dress that's supposed to cover like half your knees. and it didnt. blah#always the cutest dresses that are like long flowy and psychedelic that i like are like that#i did get a nice little green velvet victorian/swingin sixties jacket oh it was SUCH a success tho#i always have good luck with tops but dresses. ugh#i can only wear MINI dresses. bc a mini skirt is supposed to be short on you no matter what#medium-length dresses i have the worst luck with. im not even that tall im 5'7.#tales from diana#there's something weird about the black jeans from old navy#i bought two pairs of jeans at old navy in march of last year. the flare jeans are a size 4 and fit amazing#theyre like stretchy but not cheap and extremely comfy. theyre a typical denim blue#then i also got a straight-leg pair of black jeans. the black jean material is just not right anymore. it's extremely stiff#i know old navy mustve changed their sizes bc i have pants from them that are 5-10 years old (since i stopped growing)#and theyre all different sizes. like. i have old navy pants that are a snug 12 or a loose 4. but it was at least consistent at the time#i was trying on black flare jeans and i had to get an 8. i went in wearing THE SAME jeans i bought back in march#same CUT and everything. and even tho im tall the pants are still longer than what im used to#(im also used to my jeans being somewhat short on me) (so i dont mind it) (its more like they just cover the top of my foot)#the waist. bc i got two sizes up (old navy doesnt do odd number sizes for some reason). it like goes WAY up my waist#tho i dont mind that. im glad we're living in a high-waisted bootcut era. GRATEFUL#but still yeah.#the black jean fabric is just so stiff it's harder to squeeze yourself into even if it fits in the other color denim. u needa size up.#i went shopping w my friend (and kaily) (and our mom) (and then we went out to lunch after) bc i wanted to get her some pants#she's like 5'2 and all the pants were too long on her i felt bad. i bought her some sweaters and shoes#the sweaters were clearance only $6 i was like oh i have no problem getting those for u#still i felt bad bc they didnt have petite sizes in that store. like when she asked they were like 'no only if someone returns'#some other time we'll go to marshall's or tjmaxx >:F
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the sinus headaches are already not great but Extra Shit has been added to the pile and im just sat on that right now trying to figure out what the fuck to do
#ive uh not processed it yet and it also wont really shake out for a little while now i guess but .. yeah#long story short my friends who ive been A Trio with since we were 11 might be done with each other#theres a LOT of additional factors but theyre splitting a house share so one can go live with a boyfriend#and in the process it sounds like theyve made a lot of selfish choices for some unknown reason#ngl theyve pissed me off a little bit for being so weird and reclusive since theyve had the boyfriend as well but only with us#its ... yeah i dont know what alls happened because i dont live with them#but i just cant fathom how they got to this point quibbling over the contents of their shared house of 5 years#over a boyfriend whos been around for 2 or 3 years ..... to ruin a friendship of 18 years ????#again i dont know the whole story but i trust what the friend whos still good at talking to us to not lie about them being screwed around#i just dont get it at all how to reconcile what ive been told with who ive known over half my life#theyve felt off .. or wrong for a while now tbh ... i miss them#i havent seen the other one since before may ...#the thought that mightve been the last time we all hang out is kind of killling me inside lol#and it was also pretty weird and stilted again because it was very boyfriend-centric#this always happens to me lol ive lost count of all my school friend groups who end up basically fighting over me after they fall out#its a MAJOR trauma point for me and i thought we kind of grew past that but i guess i was wrong#ive been catching myself with a weepy eye or a single sob all day#i dont know what to do i wanna know what the fuck happened and what was worth doing this for#i wanna confront everyone and ask for a fucking explanation as to why my single life solid bedrock is falling apart#i mostly wanna dig a hole and die in it ... im fine im safe but im bothered by like ...#what a total fool ill look like if i just melt down at work ... i might find the mental health first aiders list and write an email lol#im like not okay cksbdkssj fucking hell#i have some hope but its ... its hard out here#i need to go to bed fuck#id dont neeeeed thiiiiisss im gonna choke on life agaaaiiinnn#the battle to keep my shit together enough to at least not self-sabotage ??? its testing my patience#rory's ramblings
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thinking about how one of byan's nicknames was originally supposed to be yanyan, hence the url byanyan, but it never caught on/stuck bc it was supposed to be specific to only certain people... so it just hasn't been a thing for three whole years but i haven't had the energy to come up with a new url
#tbh I think they'd still love having it as a nickname bc it's very cutesy but again. only from certain people#they used to be like. a little more 'kawaii' focused than they are now#like they still ARE but they've leaned more punky than I originally intended#so now they're punk kawaii egirl where they used to be strictly kawaii#idk maybe I'll implement it into their history like I did the strictly cute all girly fashion#maybe between the ages of like 13-15ish they tried to make yanyan work while they were dressing entirely femme#but they didn't really have any friends - or at least none that lasted - so it just didn't last like they wanted 🤔#idk I'm in a weird place tonight so I'm thinking about oddly specific things lmao#honestly I think part of why the nickname didn't catch was bc I had a HELL of a time getting new mutuals that first year/year and a half#so there wasn't a whole lot of variety in people I was interacting with/muses byan was becoming friendly with?#they def haven't had enough friends who are as into cute things as they are 😔#but also byan is in itself a nickname so a nickname FROM a nickname is sorta weird too ig??#ahdgksg ignore me ignore me I'm a little unsober so I'm just rambling lmf#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ ooc ⋮ don’t @ me.
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I'm not a "new musical theatre style music" person. Never have been.
Even when I was doing voice lessons, I'd steer towards the golden age or jazzy musical theatre songs. My voice teacher would have to drag me kicking and screaming towards adding anything new musical theatre to my repertoire. For a while, the most modern song in my book was I Know The Truth from Aida, and I wouldn't count that as new musical theatre style since I mean more the Pasek&Paul or Joe Iconis type.
And now I have an audition coming up for a small production of a show in that style and I'm supposed to sing a song in a similar style. And I'm looking at all my sheet music like... let me do some Cole Porter... or Gershwin... at least Sondheim please...
#look i do have SOME newer musicals in my book. but like i said. kicking and screaming.#i'm probably gonna end up doing 'I Think That He Likes Me' which is not IN a musical it's just new musical theatre style#as part of a songbook for some writing duo that i can't remember the name of and it's 2:45am so i can't care enough to look it up.#and it's the only one in my sheet music folder that i'm like 'ok. this is TRULY the right style' and i know it's good in my voice#and it's a cute song and i do like it and it definitely fits the overall vibe of the show#and though i haven't sung it in like 4 years i still remember 90% of the words and have time to study it before the audition#but while trying to find that song deep deep in my folder i pass by other songs i just love so much more#and i'm like ahhhhhhhh why#and i'm not even like 'god i hope i get it' (see A Chorus Line. that's more my type) i truly don't care if i'm cast or not#and yes i can technically audition with any song i could ever want it's just suggested to do the same style#but i know the entire creative panel who i'll be auditioning for and the last 2 times i auditioned for them i sang the same song#only because it's a GOOD song that fit both shows i was auditioning for (Can't Stop Talking About Him by Frank Loesser)#(perfect audition song since it's short at like 28 bars and you can pick the tempo and do a lot of character stuff)#(but see this is what i mean. like 1/3 of my entire sheet music folder is golden age musicals. then half is 60s-90s.)#(and then the last chunk are the few new-ish musical theatre and some pop music.)#(if i took performing more seriously i'd have a wider range but this is truly just for fun and just for me. so i do what i like.)#i don't want to go in for a 3rd audition with the same creative team and doing the same song. especially since it doesn't fit this time.#so once again. dragged kicking and screaming. over to new musical theatre territory. unwillingly.#if i get cast we'll have to see if the show itself even grows on me since honestly i think there's maybe 2 songs i like in it.#it's definitely not the worst new musical theatre style show but it's also not one that drew me in.#ok wait while looking through lists of 'new musical theatre' shows to find one i actually like (i think just Legally Blonde sorry guys)#(every other new musical in the last 20 years that i like did something interesting with the music like Come From Away)#i ended up finding out that apparently 13 was adapted into a netflix movie? when did that even happen?#i mean i don't care for that show either but i thought i was at least up to date on movie adaptations.
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#I’m so happy gang I feel like I’m finally progressing vocally after my big scare last semester and it’s so good#I’m finally not stressed every hour of the day waiting for my voice to give out again and I feel like I’m on track in terms of memorizatiob#I finally have time to make a healthy dinner and lunch every day I’m finally getting enough sleep and I have time to do stuff outside schoo#also!! Faculty keep complimenting me and I know that it’s a low bar but still :))) I’ve put so much work into this role#and I was so excited/ scared to have a lead role because I have all the space to show people what I can actually do#and I half expected to fall totally flat or to have it like my first opera where I was too stressed to do it well or enjoy it#but I’m actually GOOD at this!! I have something I’m GOOD at!! And I get to do it!!#also I know the operas for next year finally yippee I won’t have another big role probably (tragic) but at least I can start preparing#and also I finally have some vague direction for my senior recital yippee so now I can focus on crafting a storyline w the rep#ALSO!!! Im probably gonna do study abroad!! And I feel good about my stage management stuff!!#go d I’m just so happy it feels like things are finally going well 😭😭😭 I’ve been throwing myself at this school for 3 years#and I’m finally getting something out of it hhh#portal of rambling
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desperately trying not to have a panic attack about university hehehe
#literally the only thing i'm supposed to do is study#am i doing it? nope of course. i have less than a month left to take exams and i should take at least 2 but i haven't opened a book in more#than a month and the thought fills me with dread and i literally physically cannot do it#it's possible that going back to my uni flat would help (it would be a change in scenery for sure) but on wednesday it will be a year since#my father died and there's this fucking church thing and my mother won't force me to stay but i really should. shouldn't i?#after all it's already saturday and i've already wasted 40 days. what's half a week more?#i keep staring at the list of exams and i know that if i spent every waking second studying i could get back on track and graduate when i'm#supposed to graduate but 1. it's not healthy and 2. my brain refuses to study for ONE exam let alone 14 so it's unrealistic#and at this point i should just accept that i'm going to graduate one year late and one year after all my friends because last year i did#absolutely nothing. and last autumn started out great. i moved. i was organised. and then the first week of october my mother was at the#hospital and i had to go home for a week and somehow i let that week screw up my entire semester#and now i'm panicking because i have only 18 days before the exam i'm supposed to take and it doesn't feel enough for everything i have to#study but it's not going to get better if i just let all the days pass without doing anything but i can't i can't i can't#so yeah i should be kind to myself and accept i'll need one additional year for all the exams and take it slowly which is the only way to#actually get things done. but i don't want to. i don't want to tell my mother that i failed at the one thing i'm supposed to be doing#but i really really can't it's hard and i'm failing and my head is screaming that i don't deserve hobbies and yet i keep wasting my days#it's one am and i should either sleep or relax because it's not like i can do anything now and yet i feel like i need to fix my entire life#right this second or i'll explode. i'm so tired of my thoughts.#please ignore all this ^ because i know most of it is irrational or whatever and i DON'T WANT to hear rational things#if you've read until here and really want to say something just tell me that right now i'm allowed to relax#any other comment would make me feel worse#💖💖💖#**one month left to take exams this semester not forever hahaha but then i'd be supposed to take all the remaining exams in the summer#and i can't possibly take 14 exams between now and july which is why i'm panicking (there are other logistically confusing things in what i#said but i wanted to clear this one up at least lmao) (i'm already feeling vaguely better can't you see?)
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first half term of year 13 done baby!!
#quite proud of that tbh#this half term I’ve been really dedicated#like I haven’t been counting down the days to the break (didn’t even know today was the last day until Wednesday)#and I went in every single day except for the train strike even tho I was really sick for weeks#and I really revised hard for tmua even tho it didn’t go well like at least I did something#also unrelated but I am considering entering for physics Olympiad#but idk if I’m good enough so perhaps will do a past paper#also need to finish my Cambridge application and possibly write a second personal statement#but I have 3 days for that#so today I can afford to do nothing#and I’m really tired so probably for the best#honestly near suicidal in the morning when I got up at 6.30 and it was pitch black outside#and felt like I slept for like. one hour max..#not having problems w waking up at 3 am randomly thank god#how tf was I functioning in year 12 bc that would literally happen every night
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adding these additions from @vaspider in the reblogs in because yes, allergies/celiac CAN actually be That Sensitive. two weeks ago I nearly had to go to the ER because I was in the same building as a popcorn machine dispensing buttered popcorn, using "dairy free" butter with artificial flavoring vaguely derived from casein/dairy butter for two minutes. i am allergic to the flu vaccine because the viruses are grown in chicken eggs. i am allergic to the very air in starbucks. my immune system can detect egg and dairy contamination in concentrations too small to be legally required to be labeled.
polyculture crops definitely are an improvement for the vast majority of people, but the impact on the minority people consists of symptoms ranging from "miserable and unable to work for a week" to "death". personally, I do support finding better/more sustainable agricultural practices to replace the Corn Monoculture TM, but it is in some cases a literal matter of life and death for products such as walnut-grown wheat and wheat-grown walnut to be clearly and properly labeled, and for those products to not be the only available and/or affordable options at any given grocery store.
#text posts#agriculture#allergies#food allergies#problems#for non allergy people (or at least non-off-the-charts-anaphylactic allergy people) of whom i assume OP is one#imagine there is a field of lets say. lettuce#and in order to combat an infestation the farmer has decided to cover the field in rat poison pellets 24/7 for the entirety of its growth#and by cover i mean those poor lettuces are barely poking out of the sea of poison. every small animal within a two mile radius is dead.#and then the farmer harvests it#and *separating large leafy plants from poison pellets is easy enough right?*#and now you're at the grocery store. you see the Rat Poison Lettuces.#there aren't any poison pellets in the display box as far as you can see#but would you really still eat the Rat Poison Lettuce -_-#'there is functionally no danger of cross contamination' and yet there is 'functionally' no danger of half the situations i have reacted to#IF YOU CANNOT SAY THERE IS *NO DANGER AT ALL* YOU NEED TO TREAT IT LIKE A POTENTIALLY DANGEROUS SITUATION#it is approximately a one in a million chance last i checked to have *any* reaction to flu virus egg protein residue#meanwhile i had Instant Anaphylaxis#nobody i live with can eat eggs or anything overly cheesy in the house.#i have my own set of dishes and if you use a pot for eggs or dairy that is forever an Allergy Pot#which must be washed and stored separately from everythign else and never again used for anything in proximity to my food#not to mention that ops second post focuses entirely on wheat-contaminated walnuts and not walnut-contaminated wheat#when celiac can be one of the most sensitive food related immune disorders#AND every subsequent allergic reaction can increase the severity of your next one.#within ten years i went from 'stomachache from eating a full plate of contaminated food'#to 'i breathed in One Oxygen that touched a cheese once and i am trying very hard not to die in the middle of the sidewalk'#if youre going to dismiss every single person in the reblogs mentioning severe allergy risks please go inhale rat poison /s#apologies if this comes off as overly aggressive. cross contamination keeps nearly killing me and i feel overly aggressive right now
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I know ppl say it out of care but sometimes "you don't have to do xxx yet if you're not comfortable/ if it's not the right time" is so unhelpful especially to me, a little shithead full of anxiety and inability to read cues or the room who needs directions spelled out in the same way you might have been asked to "write directions for how to make a pb & j" in a 2nd grade writing assignment with no self confidence
#kk rambles#i say it and i completely mean it that any self confidence any trust I've had in myself and my ability to make choices.#have been completely battered away by like. the last 2 years of my life. like i cannot stress the absolute uncertainty i carry myself with#ik it's bad and im working on it like. i had to completely rebuild myself up after middle school and it's fine i can do it again I'll do it#but omg you can't just say that and not. tell me when is the right time. when is okay. when is it safe to even try.#what if ive been scaring myself the past idk how many years thinking it was unsafe when I could've maybe made it an easier environment#idk maybe it's me maybe im just frustrated and jealous and salty that other people have it better if i could i also wouldn't want to feel s#idk anyway#im just. there are things i wish i could do there are things i wish i were better at#and it feels like there arent enough instruction manuals for how to go about living life#at least not for people like me#delete later#i just live my life so scared half the time and recently it's like#coming to realize that sometimes that's making my life harder#yeah i avoid a lot of pain but idk maybe if i was less scared maybe if i was stronger idk#maybe in another life i would have been stronger and i would have been out of there sooner and i would be much more sure about#idk im working towards it it'll be a near future not another life im working at it I'll get there
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