#enough to know that my boy needs and deserves to have a little breakdown | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

slveepyscwrs · 10 months ago

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Are you serious about the writing fics...if so a Kuroo x reader Angst fight breakup pleeeaaase😭

When it comes to writing fics about gay volleyball boys, my friend, I'm always serious... 💅✨

Anyways, I hope this angsty breakup fic hits you in the feels as much as it did for me!

(I really enjoyed writing this, so to everyone, let me know if you want a part two– Should Kuroo reconcile, or should Kenma save the reader?)

Without further ado, let's get into your request! (This will also be cross posted to AO3!)

A Love I Never Knew

Summary: All of your heart was with the one person you adored the most, Kuroo Tetsurou. When things started to turn dark for you, you were sure that he would be there. You trusted him, you confided in him, and yet the result of that was the appearance of his true self– one that you never could have imagined in your wildest dreams, or more accurately, your darkest nightmares...

Info/Warnings: gender neutral reader, breakups, cliffhanger ending, aggressiveness, emotional breakdowns, self-esteem issues

“Are you okay?”

When it came to being asked that question, lately, you honestly didn’t know how to respond. Of course, you knew what to say: “I’m fine!”

Your self esteem, on the other hand, told an entirely different story.

You just couldn’t bring yourself to look in the mirror lately. No matter which way you looked at it, you couldn’t consider yourself beautiful. In your eyes, there were so many imperfections on your face, your body, everywhere.

To make matters worse, you had been losing sleep over it too. You had lost a lot of your previous cheerful spirit, as your eyelids began to sag.

Soon, your insecurities about your appearance were beginning to affect other parts of your life too. You couldn’t focus in class or in social activities anymore, because you felt like you weren’t good enough in anything.

Now, you were even beginning to feel like you weren’t good enough in your own relationship too. Kuroo was so cool, so intelligent, so confident… and you were just an awkward, scrawny introvert.

Basically, this was the exact opposite of him.

“Kuroo deserves way better than me…”

This was the thought that was running on repeat in your mind, as you slumped down on the couch in yours and his shared apartment. Your face was buried in your hands, as an even darker than usual cloud hung over your head today.

Kuroo didn’t know about any of this yet. He was always so upbeat and lively, and you didn’t want to put a damper on that with your trivial troubles.

This wasn’t all that possible for you at the moment, though. The concerns about you and your usefulness to Kuroo only got worse. Since this could affect your relationship, maybe now was finally the time to come clean to him.

“He’s always so carefree… He’ll know what to do, and maybe I won’t have to worry anymore…”

You were still anxious about telling him as you waited for him to come home from volleyball practice, but at the same time, you were confident that he could lighten your mood.

As a result, your eyes remained fixed on that door in a desperate anticipation. You didn’t even turn on the TV or browse through your phone to kill time until he came back like you usually did.

You needed Kuroo. In fact, today was probably the day you needed him the most.

When the door finally did swing open, your expression brightened a little. You were still shaking from the anxiety, but you were relieved that he was here at last.

“Baby, you’re home!” You jumped up to greet him.

Kuroo, on the other hand, didn’t seem nearly as enthusiastic. He wore his towel around the back of his neck, dripping sweat with an exhausted expression on his face.

This made sense for him. He didn’t like to show it to others, but you knew that he could get really wiped out when practices got intense.

Still, you knew that this was urgent, so you hoped to get his attention nonetheless.

“Practice was rough today, huh?”

“Hm, yeah. Definitely.” He nodded in agreement, but still didn’t make eye contact with you.

“How are the others?” Kuroo loved to crack jokes about his teammates, so you thought that this might snap him out of it.

“They’re alright. Annoying and chaotic as ever.” He still completely ignored you and brushed you off, and began to trudge off to the room that you two slept together in.

Your heart was beating fast under the weight of your feelings, so as much as you wanted to let him rest, you needed to talk to him. Therefore, you ran after him to make him talk to you.

“Hey, is something wrong?” You said this in a caring and concerned voice. He did seem really, really tired, but he usually wasn’t this low on energy. Despite everything you were going through, you also wanted to be there to listen to him if something was wrong.

What Kuroo said next, however, was something that made your face drop.

“Nothing’s wrong! I don’t need to be interrogated right now, love. Just leave me alone, ugh.”

Now, this sounded much more like he was annoyed with you rather than just being tired. You hadn’t meant to ‘interrogate’ him, you just wanted to know about his day.

He never reacted this badly before. Something was definitely on his mind, and you had the feeling that it had more to do with you than with volleyball.

“I’m really sorry… It’s just, I needed to talk with you about something.” You squeaked out in a lower tone, now becoming increasingly afraid of what his reaction would be.

“Fine, but make it quick, I have other things to do… Come to think of it, what is the matter with you today?”

Unlike you, his tone wasn’t filled with nearly as much care. It was like talking to you was a chore that he had no choice but to complete.

Taking a deep breath, you attempted to pour out your heart into words.

“It’s just that I don’t feel good enough… I don’t feel pretty enough, my personality isn’t good enough… And now I feel like I’m not good enough for you.” By the time you finished, your breath was shaky and uneven.

You still had some slight hope that this would make him soften up, but unfortunately, this couldn’t be further from the case.

“What’s with all this sappy stuff? Jeez, you’re acting crazy! You used to not give a shit…” He was massaging his forehead in a way that was intentional, making it clear to you that you were the one giving him that headache.

“No… That’s because I was just hiding it from you…”

“Well, what do you expect me to do about it?”

His tone was becoming harsher and harsher, while yours became softer and softer. This sudden change was literally taking your breath away, and not in a good way.

“Um… you are my boyfriend…” You looked up at him with eyes gone wide with fear, shame, and embarrassment.

This gaze only exacerbated Kuroo’s annoyance. He rolled his eyes, and moved his lips silently in a way that was mocking the way you spoke.

“Yeah, I’m your boyfriend, not your goddamn therapist.”

This was the final nail in your heart, shattering it into pieces. The carefree, lighthearted Kuroo that you had fallen in love with just wasn’t that same person anymore. As you realised this, tears began to sting at the corners of your eyes.

“I know, I’m sorry, I’m really sorry. At least answer the question, please… Am I good enough for you, Kuroo? I’m so sorry…”

At this point, your voice was barely audible. You hardly knew what to say. Everything that you thought you knew about Kuroo was changing so quickly.

He had begun to turn around and go to the bedroom anyway, but at these words, he stopped in his tracks. He stood there like that for a few seconds, and you saw his hands clench into fists. The rising and falling in his chest became more ragged, as his breaths filled with negative emotions.

Every second that he was still made the dread inside you grow, but the face that you saw when he turned back around to face you suddenly and swiftly frightened you even more.

“I get home after a long day, and all you can do is cling to me like a fucking abandoned puppy. And instead of just letting me go like a sane person, all you say is ‘I’m sorry!’ It’s so goddamn corny and annoying… But you know what? I agree with what you said earlier. Maybe you really are not good enough for me.”

His fists balled tighter, as he screamed these words at the top of his lungs through clenched teeth.

This new piercing volume sent the entire atmosphere around you two into utter silence. You couldn’t believe that this was real. It had to be a terrible nightmare, one that would end, and let you wake up to Kuroo cuddling beside you in the bed.

Yet, this wasn’t a nightmare. This was the reality of what Kuroo truly felt about you.

If your heart was shattered before, this made the pieces break even smaller and drop to the ground. As for your heartbeat, it felt as if it had stopped in your chest. Heck, time itself seemed to slow around you.

It was one thing to believe the worst about yourself, but having the one who’s supposed to love you the most say that those beliefs were correct all along made it feel like the world itself beneath you was giving out.

Your body wasn’t just trembling now, it was full on shaking. Your knees swayed back and forth, making you feel like a jelly that threatened to give way and drop to the floor any second now.

Your eyes that were now stuck open as wide as they could go couldn’t hold it back anymore, and silent tears rushed down your face. The shock was so intense that you couldn’t even make any noise with the crying. With all these tears, your throat began to burn.

“I have to say something, anything to make it better… It’s all my fault, I should fix this…”

You could hardly form thoughts like these, much less put them into words. Meanwhile, Kuroo kept his eyes fixated on you in pure disgust. He had a look on his face that made it seem like the fact that you were still in front of him was something that he absolutely loathed.

Whatever words did come to mind mostly stopped in your throat. Any noise that did come out was in the form of choked up croaks and squeaks.

Finally, somehow, actual words came out, only to be immediately cut off.

“Kuroo, I–“

“Just forget it already! If this is how you’re going to be, I can’t take it anymore! I’m fucking done with you. We’re over, now get out of my house, now!”

You already thought that his voice couldn’t get any louder, but its magnitude just kept climbing and climbing until it got to a point where you felt that it could blow the roof off. His face was scrunched up in pure fury, and his eyes directed that rage into yours and straight into your soul.

Whatever he was feeling, Kuroo now seemed as if he had never loved you at all.

And just like that, a beautiful relationship that had lasted months, one that you hoped would stretch on for years to come vanished just like that. All your hopes about Kuroo disappeared into nothingness.

As reluctant as you were, you now accepted that what you had with him was gone, and couldn’t be fixed.

However, more than that, you didn’t think it was even safe to be here anymore. Judging by his body language, his posture, his actions, and his words, standing there for even a few seconds longer would run the risk of Kuroo’s anger escalating towards physical violence.

Your knees gained just enough strength, and you bolted out the door in a fit of loud sobs.

When you were gone, Kuroo returned to normal and sighed, but not out of relief. He couldn’t pin it down exactly, but there was something gnawing inside him… He was observant enough that he knew deep inside that was guilt.

Still, even though he did know, he would never admit it. He wouldn’t admit it to himself, and definitely not to you. He couldn’t take back what he did, but either way, he most certainly wasn’t going to go running after you. Instead, he simply shook his head and wandered off inside the bedroom.

It was raining outside in the dark of night, and not just a light shower. Water rushed down from the dark clouds at high speeds, hitting the ground with incredible sound and force for such tiny droplets.

It didn’t take more than a few seconds for you to get soaking wet in these conditions, but you pushed through and kept running. You didn’t know where– it was late, and no one you knew would be willing to take you in at this hour.

You jumped down the stairs to the ground floor, but that was as far as you could get before your knees finally gave up and caused your body to collapse to the concrete pavement, getting scraped against its rough surface.

You were in an awkward position, but you didn’t care. You were cold, you were wet, but most importantly… you were alone.

At least there was a positive side to that. You curled up, now being free to sob out all the pain that had piled up on you out to the distance. Your face became a mess of tears and snot, as the uncertainty of the situation dawned upon you.

“I can’t sleep on the streets… I’ve already been a burden to everyone, but I have to find someone, anyone…”

You had absolutely nothing, except for the clothes on your back and your phone in your pocket. Getting under the relative safety of a pillar, you decided to make use of that phone as you went through your contacts, pondering your slim set of options.

You remembered that there was one person who lived close enough to Kuroo, and this person was Kenma. Your fingers shook as you debated internally whether to press the call button or not. Kenma was the kind of person who was known for his preferences for being alone, and being sort of aloof towards others.

It wasn’t likely that he would take you in, but the chance of him accepting was still there. At this point, you were ready to take any chance you got.

Trying not to drop your phone, you decided to take a risk and call Kenma. You put it on speaker and heard as the phone rang one time, two times…

Your phone provider would automatically drop a call if there wasn’t an answer by the fifth ring. The device’s battery was quite low as well, so if Kenma did not pick up, you truly would be stranded.

And so, you sat there awaiting your fate. Each ring, although lasting only a few seconds, stretched out for an eternity.

Would Kenma pick up? Would he not pick up?

Whichever one of the two happened, the little flame of hope left in your heart lay in his place… any place that was away from Kuroo.

“It really did turn out to be the person I loved most who ended up hurting me the deepest…” You thought alone to yourself, waiting as the phone rang and rang into the distance…

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horriblengrossstories · 22 days ago

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Hi birdie, im the same anon that ask about Derek's heir. I dive deep into ur stash and find about the surrogate mutt.

If mutt don't survive the childbirth and the kid got her face and he's the perfect picture of heir that Bram always want from derek. Do you think Derek will breakdown that someone not only managed to impress his cold hearted father but also wear the face of his beloved mutt.

I just love angst <3

Thank you again birdie

Cracks knuckles and back and 34 other joints.

Alrighty~ let's go!

Derek is standing there, hands still sticky with the copper smell of Mutt’s blood, when the child wails. It’s a stolen sound her lungs, her pitch and it guts him. The first emotion isn’t grief; it’s rage that the universe dared to recycle the face he adored onto something he never wanted. That dissonance is a knife he can’t pull out.

And then Bram, cold as ever, would glance at the child and see the potential. A clean slate. A boy (or girl, doesn’t matter), with the proper pedigree. Goffard blood through and through. Not born of some respectable arranged marriage, but from a feral dog Derek was too obsessed to let go of. Still, useful. Moldable. Something Bram could twist into a mirror of himself, or a blade to use against Derek. He doesn’t need to approve of the mother. The mother's dead.

And the more the child grows, the more Derek sees Mutt in their smile, in their laugh, in the way they tilt their head when they’re confused or flinch from loud voices.

He would start saying things like:

“Don’t look at me like that.”

“Stop doing that, she used to do that.”

“You’re not her, you little liar!"

But he would also spoil them,he doesn’t know how to be a father, only how to possess. And this kid is the only piece of Mutt he has left.

And maybe, maybe one day the child grows old enough to ask

“Did you love her?”

And Derek just looks away, biting his lip until it bleeds, muttering

“She left me.”

Because in his mind, she did and he never forgave her.

The child would be:

Groomed as a puppet, a vessel for Goffard ambitions.

Used to humiliate Derek, constantly reminded:

“Look what your mistake created. More valuable than you.”

🧷 Bonus Painful Detail

Imagine if the baby calls Bram “grandpa ” before it ever says “Dad.”

Or worse: the kid’s first word is “Mutt.”

🐍 Matt’s Move

Matt wouldn’t storm in guns blazing. He’d slink in with calm words, maybe at the funeral, maybe weeks later:

“You’re not fit to raise that kid, Derek. Look at you. You’re broken. She wouldn’t have wanted this.”

💣 Derek vs. Matt Over the Kid

Derek would go feral if he ever found out Matt was trying to take the kid.

He might scream something like:

“You fucked mutt once and now you think you deserve the scraps she left me?”

But that’s the thing, Derek hates the kid for surviving Mutt, and Matt loves the kid because it reminds him of her. That clash is vicious.

🩸 And Bram might allow Matt to circle like a vulture, just to see if Derek snaps. He might even say:

“You clearly weren’t meant to raise this child, Derek. Your brother has always been more... pragmatic.”

And Derek, despite his refusal to be a father, would see that as the ultimate betrayal.

“You’ll give her to Matt? You’d hand my Mutt’s face over to him?”

Patricia seeing that baby for the first time would be absolutely iconic. No softness. No cooing. Mutt was her favorite, her partner in crime, her trauma-bonded bestie.

They did eyeliner tutorials and traded insults like candy. Mutt was the only one who ever really listened to Patricia, the only one who saw her pain behind the bitch mask.

So now this child exists. This sticky, squirming little reminder.

“...Ew. It smells like shit and sadness.”

She'd stand three feet away like it’s a cursed object.

👠 Patricia’s takes one look at the kid and says,

“That thing came out of her? Ew. Keep it away from me.”

Lights a cigarette and whispers to Matt,

“I bet it bites. Just look at it.”

She’s got bad babysitter energy until the kid’s like twelve and starts showing signs of having bite, vanity, trauma couture. Then suddenly:

“You know what? You might turn out alright. You’re not a slobbering potato anymore.”

She becomes the cool aunt.

Takes them to get a snake bite piercing behind Derek’s back.

Buys them a designer coat and says,

“Don’t tell your idiot father. It’s couture.”

Gives unsolicited advice like,

“Manipulate your grandfather or he’ll manipulate you. Welcome to the family.”

-birdie 🐦

#the price of flesh #derek goffard #tpof derek #tpof #birdie chirps #derek goffard x reader #anon #answers #answered #matt goffard #patricia goffard

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your-local-uwu-artist · 1 month ago

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finally posting my part serpentine jay design to celebrate new OBNL chapter.

rants and bonus art under the cut!

anyway OBNL (once bitten new life) is a ninjago fanfic diverging from Jay's true potential episode where he stays part serpentine: Exactly what 9 year old me would have wanted!! when I first found the fic was during the 'hiatus' after the child's play emotional breakdown. making it especially comedic that the fic was currently on the episode I was currently on. rereading it only gets better with me now having over 18 season's worth of emotional attachment to the franchise.

anyway this fanfic lowkey feels like: tailor fuckign made for me. I think I've mentioned this before but I have a thing for a very specific 'trope' that RARELY gets explored as much as I want it to. that being characters coping with transformations. hell I even have this wip

you'd think this trope should be common enough right? NO! because it's not very often actually EXPLORED. like I need character's learning about their new physiology. having extended identity crisiss. I need the new changes they have to cope with not just being 'objectively cool fangs' a la 'character gets bullied for heterochormia when that's a fucking awesome feature' but like, be a little weird. I crave this content so fukcing badly like I can't even.

so finding this fanfic is just: such a godsend. like! 'hello sir here's that favorite trope you ordered! also it appeals to your childhood special interest immensely so you're going to get very emotionally attached to this work of fiction very fast.'

to give you an idea of how much I love this fic: while it will be mentioned in my ninjago video (YES IM STILL WOKRING ON THAT THERES BEEN TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES NFKJNSKDA) I honestly think I'd rather give obnl a seperate video. it deserves it <3

anyway! my special boy! my snake jay design!!!! it's not actually canon compliant to obnl because I am allergic to not exercising my creative license! I just had to talk about obnl anyway.

have you ever looked at teeth chart's at 1:00am? have you ever found it important to have made up headcanons about serpentine dentals? I have!

do you care deeply about the most mundane worldbuilding shit ever? and wanted to know 4 different ways that tail accommodating clothing could work?

anyway! the finger count is actually not just stylization 'only 3 fingers' is a personally favorite fantasy species trait of mine. I think cause It makes for a world where human's also have unique features instead of feeling like a 'default'?

the back pattern is VERY LOOSLY based off of the japanese kanji for lightening. I just wanted something more interesting to work off of as a base shape other then just a diamond.

anyway! I have amassed a small collection of general serpentine headcanons over the course of my obsession with this au. (which is now also being assisted by Frak <3 he's lowkey so incredibly stupid and I love him. I have a handful of techtonic art including a comic in the works btw. idk if I mentioned this in one of my dr overviews but like, I just really love that we get serpentine character in the main cast. def wasn't on my bingo card and I am satisfied <3)

alright thats all for now! also DELTARUNE SO SOONNNNN!!!!!! (funny enough this is actually relevant to the current conversation as my personal version of deltarune tomorrow is 'nothing bad is going to happen in the next obnl chapter!)

hyped for monstrosity too ofc!! I'm so excited that they're letting my boy be a shonen protag again <3 they havnt let him do that sense season 7 <3 but finally he can thrive in his home environment <3 I love him so much guys <3 he's a special princess to me <3 my favorite anime shonene protag? um Kai Smith Ninjago OBVIOUSLY <3333

okay NOW i'm done!

#kyukyudraws #watching the ninja go #obnl #snake jay

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sunstream7 · 4 months ago

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Its my blog I can assign XOD jerks Los Campesinos songs if I want to

This one is a long read and purely self indulgent lmao

Everett is she crows (documented minor emotional breakdown #4)

‘She crows "You want my happiness, but on your terms",

‘Swapping drinks tickets for all these indiscreet snippets Of how it feels to truly be adored’

‘Writing sleeper hits for all these weeping dip shits Turning tricks for cheap kicks where I can’

‘She told her friends she'd got with me, she lied it drunkenly I'm only angry 'cause I wish she had’

Everett is THE romantic longing/devastation of the Whole Damn Body album- it's a sort of angry/upset one, a lot of failed relationships and British sports allegories that I don't understand because I am a) a filthy American, and b) not versed in balls. and sex euphemisms. so I'd say it's pretty solid for him.

About She Crows specifically, it focuses on lacking meaningful relationships and hopping from person to person to fill that void- the regret and anger about things that were never real in the first place (eve and pran don't @ me, I'm right) and there's a joke about killing an ex boyfriend, which I think is a little funny.

Nate is Romance is Boring

As much as I love this boy. there is not a single 'got so horny about my ex girlfriend that i puked' stored in him. Initially I was tempted with Avocado, baby because obligatory emotional issues joke (and because the song ABSOLUTLEY fucks.) Having said that. someone needed the quintessential 'emotionally unavailable and struggling' song.

We are two ships that pass in the night. You and I, we are nothing alike. I am a pleasure cruise, you are gone out to trawl. Return nets empty, nothing at all

But my strength's within lies, ventricle cauterized. It's the way of living that I espouse

Sure, there are things I could do if I was half-prepared to prove to each other that romance is boring

Take your diffidence, make it my clubhouse

Yeaaahhh it's about a failing relationship because neither party can bring themselves to either

a) care enough to take the risk to fix it, against your reservations about commitment

b) show a single ounce of emotionality that would be able salvage a stagnation that has made the romance boring (there.)

I'm not taking the 'lack of effort' angle (if you've played his route, which. there's only half a dozen people that are reading this and I know you have) so he clearly tries- this is coming from the. emotionally stunted to the point it becomes damaging angle. The way he would jump straight to breaking up instead of actually yknow. maybe talking about a problem. Love him

Shiloh. oh Shiloh. c is the heavenly option

not a lc! song but they covered it like a decade ago and so close enough i say.

‘Don't play games if you're broken-hearted Don't try to finish what you ain't got started And if you've got problems Then don't bring them to me’

'My girlfriend's getting sick of me Should I (A) Change your personality Should I (B) Put her love to the test Or should I (C) Kiss her till she's obsessed.'

'Your girlfriend fancies your best friend Should you (A) Stick around with them Should you (B) Tell them "That's just fine" Or should you (C) Kiss her till she's mine.'

‘If you're an (A) you will see You'll get chucked and end up unhappy If you're a (B) you will find That's cool but hey don't be so unkind And if you're a (C), you'll end up like me And love with bowl you over If you're a (C), you'll end up like me'

'The smile that I put on to mask a face that's more than nervous Is never hard when I recall that I just don't deserve this Don't think my heart ain't quaking, shaking, breaking open but it's What I must do If I want you’

*cracks knuckles* you mean the song about sucking it the fuck up and doing anything to keep your partner exists and I WASN'T supposed to relate it to Shiloh?! 'what I must do, If I want you?!' 'the smile that i put on to mask a face that's more than nervous?!' I know we've all seen how exhausted his 'anything for you's get as the game progresses, and how Mr. ass-kisser himself will do literally anything if it means getting the girl, even if it is not entirely in his best interest in terms of self respect.

so yes very Shiloh of it.

Bae- a footnote in why he had me ripping my hair out

This bitch boy is the least lc!able of any of them, because he doesn't have the ‘killing your girlfriends ex boyfriend' and 'lamenting your failed relationships while drunk' and 'damn the system' and 'cannot hold a stable relationship' vibes that the rest do. They also all fall into two categories. 'so horny i lost brain function' or 'I'm going to kms' often both at the same time!. So. Suffering.

I was kind of thinking Moonstruck, Letters from me to Charlotte, or I love you but you're boring, or even Little Mouth

There's no consensus here!

Bae Pyoun I love you. but this is the reason my essay has been delayed for weeks.

an achievement in of itself.

Instead of any specific song, I've collected lyrics from a few different ones that I feel are passable.

And this sentimental movie marathon has taught us one thing. It's the opposite of true love is as follows: Reality (We Are All Accelerated Readers)

Birds are singing in the trees, As we rise up in a beautiful morning. But I can't hear that beautiful sound, because I'm permanently yawning (I love you but you're boring)

It's hard to find the romance in a town not known for sunsets (Moonstruck)

I am moonstruck, it's a welcome fate (Moonstruck as well)

Most of these are attempting to build on either godawful relationships, or being very enamored and in a godawful relationship. unsurprisingly, there is seldom happy romance in a los campesinos song. it is not a place you bring a lover to. I tried to lean into his inability to take anything seriously even though it directly contradicts his longing for a serious relationship

Pran- Miserabilia

‘I'm not saying there's good in none of this Miserabilia to show the kids I'm not saying that you're responsible, Miserabilia for one, for all’

We got nostalgic, ended up filling shoe boxes with vomit, collected scabs in lockets, hung them 'round our necks like nooses

‘Your hands will remain empty When you have stopped clutching at straws Cling to bad memories, forget all the insufferable bores No one matters (no one matters) No one cares’

‘Shout at the world, because the world doesn't love you Lower yourself, because you know that you'll have to’

‘He whispered, "Oh my God this really is a joy to behold" Thought he said, "It's joy to be held" So I held him too close It was a grave mistake He never came back again’

It's pretty obvious that 'Miserabilia' is a play on 'memorabilia' so that's not news, but the behavior of clinging onto the worst of the worst- scabs in lockets that choke, and bad memories, and shoeboxes of sick just means that the worst will always be with you, which bleeds into the despair of none of it having a true impact in the long run, and it was just awful with no real outcome. Our (debatably) favorite brick wall has that lovely 'everything is horrible' outlook on life (rightfully so. that's a different essay though) That trickles down into everything- almost every single one of his mannerisms can be traced back to loosely hinted at childhood neglect and difficult familial relationships

footnote- The whole sick scenes album (specifically the fall of home)

Last but not least. Jeremy: In medias res!!

‘If you were given the option Of dying painlessly in peace at 45 With a lover at your side After a full and happy life, Is this something that would interest you? Would this interest you at all?’

'I'm leaving my body to science Not medical, but physics Drag my corpse through the airport And lay me limp on the left wing’

‘Drop me at the highest point And trace a line around the dent I leave in the ground That'll be the initial of the one you'll marry Now that I'm not around’

All's well that ends

'In Medias Res' means 'into the middle of a narrative' And in this songs case, that narrative is very clearly not happy. The whole of the RiB album is steeped depression and apathy and that same inability to care about anything meaningful present in- you guessed it- Romance is Boring. 'All's well that ends' was the line specifically that sold me. (one of) Jeremy's main conflicts is the fact that none of it can be over with fast enough, and dropping the 'well' of the usual 'all's well that ends well' just drives that home; that for him, as soon as it's over, that's as good as it will be.

#xoxo droplets #nate lawson #pran taylor #shiloh fields #everett gray #bae pyoun #jeremy king #this is the product of a few too many late night tangents #I'll be real this was an excuse to nerd out and i had to edit for clarity

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spacepiratenemo · 1 year ago

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The one hug - Headcanon

#comic #fanfiction 🐭🤍🔥

This scene right here? It's one of my all-time favorites because it signifies a significant evolution in Nemo's character and behavior. ⚠ #characterdevelopment

Sure, Ace and Nemo have shared hugs before, but those moments were usually a bit one-sided. You see, Nemo's mutated lunarian biology means she needs thermal energy to survive. Nemo doesn’t need food nor water, her biology relies on leeching heat. When her energy levels dipped, she found it tough to straight-up ask Ace for fire. Instead, she'd kinda just... hover her hand near him until he caught on and sparked them up. But sometimes, she'd pull back, feeling awkward or insecure, and that's when the grumps would kick in - so she acted like it was a major inconvenience to her.

But let's be real, it was never that big a deal. Eventually, she started to crave those moments, not for the warmth, but for the closeness. ❤

It took her a while to realise she was after his touch, not just his fire. But being Nemo, she never straight-up admitted it. So, she'd play it off cool, asking Ace to 'warm her up,' and he'd respond with a comforting hug and a casual “No need to be shy!”. And Nemo? She'd shoot back with a quick “I'm not shy. I just need heat, okay? Don’t read stuff into this! It’s not like I want this, understand?” 😅

Sure, there've been comforting embraces before, like after Nemo's breakdown from grief and loss. But this hug? This one's different. It's Nemo taking the lead, openly asking for it; OPENLY ADMITTING TO IT! *pls insert shock here* 😨

SHE hugged him - Not the other way around! And that's NEW to Ace - it’s surprising to hear these words coming from her. This moment right here? It's a game-changer, marking a shift from best friends to lovers. 🧡💛💙🖤

Thank you for your love and support; it's greatly appreciated. I hope you enjoy this cute, wholesome little scene 🤩

Author’s Note.: As always, I condensed the scene a little bit to make it fit into a single post. Let’s go through this comic page by page:

It took Nemo a few days to muster the courage to take this step, to simply embrace him, yearning for that closeness. This early morning, she couldn't hold back any longer, so she decided to just go for it - and she did, albeit regretting it almost instantly as her shyness crept in. What if this was cringe? This wasn’t cool and Nemo struggled showing any form of vulnerability openly.

Ace, caught off guard by this new and unexpected gesture, assumed she was merely feeling chilly, especially as she shivered faintly. But when Nemo denied being cold, it sparked his curiosity. He inquired if she had another nightmare, knowing well that, if Nemo managed to sleep at all, she often grappled with haunting visions of the moon-colony’s destruction. His surprise only deepened when Nemo denied this too.

The 'pleasant' shock escalated further as she grew even more bashful, her cheeks flushing, her heart racing, her shivering intensifying. Despite her nervousness and fear of rejection, she refused to lie again. It marks one of those very rare moments where Nemo didn’t act tough (Tsundere) - but sweet instead. Using qualifiers like 'kinda' and 'sorta,' she openly confessed that all she wanted in that moment was a hug. Hearing this filled Ace with immense joy; and, as if that wasn't enough, Nemo looked as adorable as ever. She was incredibly precious at that moment, though he couldn't vocalise this to her directly, knowing she’d only scowl at him for saying the forbidden “cute” word. Slowly finding himself falling for his best friend too, he couldn't resist pulling her back into his embrace after she distanced herself slightly, holding her tightly, drawing her close. 'Why not just say so?' Oh, Nemo, you truly made that boy's day, and you deserve all the love and hugs in the world. 💖

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junhanism · 2 years ago

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彡By your side - Jacob Bae

Pairing. Jacob Bae x gn!reader

Genre. Fluff | Comfort | bf!Jacob | established relationship

Warnings. None ?, not really detailed

Note. Wrote this on my first day of high-school cuz it was horrible and i wish i had someone taking care of me like this :(

Wc. 809

Today was one horrible day.

It was your first day at job and it felt as if from the moment you woke up to the moment you walked through the door of your apartment, everything went wrong.

Like, every little things as if the world was against you that day.

And you were frustrated, really frustrated.

But you didn't want to experience a second mental breakdown (because yes, you had one as soon as you left the building).

You knew Jacob would immediately notice your bloodshot eyes and rosy nose if you cried again. And the last thing you wanted was to worry him so you tried your best to keep it in, blinking your tears away as you put down your handbag and send a weak smile in his direction. It was not a genuine one and you knew your boyfriend knew it, but this will do for now.

Without a single word, you headed straight to the shower which was really odd coming from you. Usually, you would sit down and hug Jacob for a good 10 minutes while talking about your day but today was different and he definitely felt the frustration radiating off of you.

After almost an (much needed) hour, you came out and plopped down on the couch next to him. Not saying a word you just stared into space. Like said before, you didn't want to worry him knowing that he himself had a lot going on with the boys preparing for their comeback.

Jacob debated for a minute on whether to talk to you or not ; he didn't want to annoy you or force you to tell him what was wrong but he also didn't want to sit there seeing you all sad and tired and do nothing.

He decided to wait until you felt ready to rant to him.

Hower as the minutes passed and you still hadn't spoken a word, he grew more and more worried

"Is everything alright ?"

You suddenly snapped out of your thoughts, the sudden voice causing you to flinch a little.

You didn't know how long you were out of it honestly so you spat out a blatant lie,

"Hm ? Yeah everything's fine"

It sounded more like you were trying to convince yourself rather than him and it didn't escape his ears.

You felt his warm hand lay on top of yours and you looked up at him only to find him already looking at you

"You can always talk to me you know?" He said in such a honey-like voice, it had your heart melting

You let out a long frustrated sigh, throwing your head back on the couch. Your eyes shifted to his figure for a second then back to the ceiling.

"I'm just.." You started, trying to find the right words to explain the situation you were in.

"Take your time, love" he rubbed your arm encouragingly

"Today was just.. you know, awful. It felt as if everyone was judging me and all eyes were on me. My boss is horrible and treats me like im just a meaningless newbie, its so frustrating. It makes me feel like im not enough and it stresses me out. I can't even socialize ! I tried to befriend a few of my coworkers but they straight judged me because 'who would want to be friends with the newbie' " you scoffed as you recall your co-worker's words

"Everything was just so wrong like i couldn't do anything right !"

Jacob quietly listened to your rambling, it barely even made sense anymore but he kept quiet until you finished.

"I think you did amazing today sweetheart. You should feel proud of just going through this day at all, some people would have left in the middle of the day but you decided to stay until the end and its amazing. Im proud of you and those coworkers of yours it's their loss, they'll never know how incredible you are but they don't deserve you. Think of it, it was just the first day so it's totally normal to feel pressured in a new environment, just wait until you get used to your surroundings and the rythm of it."

He engulfed you in his comforting embrace, resting your head on his shoulder as his arms wrapped around your body, tracing shapes of hearts on the small of your back.

"I'm proud of you my love" he whispered against your ear

And that's what it took for the tears to, once again, escape your eyes.

"It's okay, let it all out" he mumbled as he gently rubbed the back of your head, lips pressed to your crown

Planting kisses to the crown of your head, his hand burried in your hair, he held you close for as long as you needed it, assuring you that he'll always be by your side.

✿ᴄʜᴇʀʀʏʜᴀᴋ

#jacob bae #jacob #tbz fluff #tbz jacob #jacob tbz #the boyz jacob #jacob the boyz #the boyz imagines #tbz imagines #tbz fanfic #the boyz fluff #jacob bae tbz #tbz jacob bae #jacob imagines #jacob fluff

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hay1ock · 2 years ago

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Episode 4 of Only Friends

Well, that was quite the episode. I’m going to be discussing stuff that happened, so if you’re aware of anything in the episode that upsets you please bear that in mind. I don’t intend to be all in your face about it but people have different limits. I myself was fine with the episode on first watch, but the second time it really hit me how there are certain things about Ray I relate to and I had a bad time for a little while. But *deep breath* it’s all good now and I’m ready to ramble. Also, I feel like my thoughts are going to be bouncing all over the place with all the various moving parts and stuff that happened this episode.

So, might as well get straight to it, the big one, Ray (+ Mew + Sand). Ray, the human version of the Poor Boy t-shirt. His whole breakdown in the bathtub about being unloved, unwanted, how he ruined his mom’s life, man Khaotung delivered. I’m guessing it might be a case of his mom getting pregnant was unplanned/inconvenient - like his mom had to give up her career, or maybe having him trapped her with a man she didn’t love or in a bad relationship, which in turn led to her drinking and ignoring him, and ultimately to her death. Based on the younger version of Ray, he was what? Mid teens maybe. He said high school so maybe 14-16 range. Was his mom like that since his birth or did it start later, she slowly began resenting him?

I’m glad Mew had enough about him to go round and check on Ray. (I know his friends get some crap - Boston rightly so - about not caring about him, but there is only so much they can do if Ray isn’t ready, as he needs to be willing to help himself) Ray’s little face and his voice when he saw Mew had come though… “You’re here?” Surprise/relief that he’d put his faith in the right person. Mew really had answered his cry for help. Ray deserves a big hug. It’s not hard to see why he cares about Mew, why he answered his phone, why he would support Mew’s relationship with Top even though he dislikes Top, and yes, I’m sure jealousy is part of it, but there is genuine concern about the kind of person Top is, and if he’s good enough. But yeah, whether it’s romantic love or something else, I’m not sure. I imagine it’s a bit of a mix. He sees Mew as having saved him so there’s probably a bit of seeing him as his hero, the only person who, up to that point (or that we know of), had shown any affection or concern for him and it might be those feelings warped into a romantic love, or maybe it’s just the desperate need to keep Mew close, keep that one ‘good’ relationship and person at his side and he has mistaken his feelings for love beyond that of friendship. Ray is a whole bag of emotions and trauma, and untangling those for him to explore his feelings about both his past and what’s happening now will be hard and most likely hurt him and people around him (and me!).

I’m glad we got to see what happened regarding the video and the kiss and well, to say I’m disappointed in Boston and Top is an understatement - will talk more about them later. Also, I know Boston is a bad friend, but seriously, knowing everything about Ray and still messing with his head last episode and even calling Ray a burden back in episode 1, Boston you are the absolute worst lol.

But anyway, the kiss, the one in the past. I’m sad Mew couldn’t return Ray’s feelings and it must have been hard to hear that he was perhaps the only thing that was keeping Ray from hurting himself. 2 years ago, so he’s 19/20 yrs old, being told that must have been rough and a lot of responsibility, and then the fear of what Ray might do if Mew rejected him. That change in music seems like a reflection of Mew’s anxiety of the situation. I do like Mew and that from what we’ve seen he is pretty straightforward and honest. He kissed Ray back, but as he’s said, up until Top, no one had been able to make his heart tremble. I wonder how things might have changed if he had felt something. Would Ray have been able to get a handle on his drinking? Despite 2 years passing, he’s still in the same place, maybe worse where his drinking is concerned. Could he have changed? Or would he just have made them both miserable? Guess we might end up finding out as him and Sand get closer.

Skipping back to the present and ahhhh Ray nooooo. I don’t agree with him kissing Mew and am glad he was called out for his behaviour, but I do feel like I understand why he did it, or at least see why he might have. First, we had Boston messing with him, bringing his feelings of ‘love’ back to the surface and also adding fuel to his worries about Top - don’t be a side character, do something before it’s too late, ie save Mew from Top. We also have Mew, he’s told Ray he phoned Top for help first and he’s also trying to push Ray’s feelings towards Sand (I believe Mew was doing so with good intentions, wanting to see Ray happy and have someone now Top has taken a chunk of his time), but I feel like Ray pushed back against that. I believe he has been feeling something for Sand, even if just out of curiosity, but in a way that’s a betrayal to his feelings for Mew, the person he literally owes his life to. I imagine he’s confused and desperate to reaffirm that Mew is the one he loves. Mew is telling him to be with someone who loves and takes care of him and for Ray that person is Mew. So, I get it, but don’t agree with it. Glad he apologised again at the end and I’m glad Mew was able to accept the apology. I feel like he backed down from pressing Ray further about the ‘why’ behind the kiss, maybe not wanting to distress Ray who looked to struggle when Mew asked. I hope they can maintain their friendship. I know Ray can’t change how he feels about Mew overnight. Whether Mew fully knew about Ray still liking him, I’m not sure, but either way, it’s all out there now, so hopefully, Ray can move forward.

And talking of where he should be heading in his attempt to move on, him and Sand. I don’t know if it’s because it’s First and Khaotung, or just the way they are portraying the characters, but they have the most ‘romantic’ chemistry at the moment for me (Nick and Boston has so far been more primal, sexual, and then Mew and Top… I don’t even know what theirs is, it’s mostly anxiety inducing is what. I don’t know how to explain it but it’s like my stomach drops and both characters give off vibes of wanting control).

I love seeing Ray and Sand together. I love Ray’s puppy eyes. I love that Sand can’t say no to Ray’s puppy eyes. Sand seems a pretty strong-willed guy so if he really didn’t want to do something I’m sure he would say so. He had no problems communicating to Ray about how he felt at the music store and I’m glad he didn’t actually scold Ray and call him any names. There was just this strange sadness when Ray said ‘Burden on Society’. I don’t know if Sand sensed anything, but I think him discussing his boundaries, like with Ray wanting to buy him things, and that he isn’t something Ray can pick up to play with when he’s lonely to then forget about until the next time, I think Ray needs that. Other than money, we still don’t don’t know what kind of relationship he has with his father, or if he had any positive role models/relationships growing up that would help him learn about things such as boundaries and making real connections with other people, not just by throwing money around. I do believe Ray cares about Sand’s feelings, not necessarily because he sees him as special or for romantic reasons, but Sand is a person in his life now and it feels like Ray doesn’t intend to upset people on purpose, he wants to be cared for but also wants to be able to care for others, even as far as to ‘save’ them. I like that Ray is able to realise when he’s in the wrong and apologise, he did it in episode 1, and a couple of times in this episode. People make mistakes, not everyone can admit to them and apologise.

The record store scenes were lovely. The conversation about music. The suggestion that Ray is stuck in the past with his mother’s music and his trauma, and with his feelings for Mew. That discovering new bands brings Sand happiness and the implication that Ray should do the same, step outside that damn room that he’s surrounded himself with his mom’s records and find something new to explore. To find himself a little bit of happiness. I loved the small smile from Ray as he seemed to be considering Sand’s words. Chronologically, we then have them listening to music and staring and hand touching. The way Sand looks at Ray *dreamy sigh*. It was nice to see Ray in a moment of peace, at least that’s what it felt like. A moment to just pause the world and as Sand said “let music do the work.” And so, after going to Mew’s to apologise, we’re then back in a bath tub, bookending the episode nicely. That flashback though, yet again, can not blame Ray for clinging onto Mew and what feelings he had for him. Ray of sunshine *cries* I interpret the end as him making peace with his feelings, or at the very least, realising that no matter what, nothing more can ever come from them and so it’s time to move on, even if he just takes a tiny step in the direction of the owner of the Poor Boy t-shirt. I really hope that no matter what heartbreak lies ahead, these two find a way to a happy ending together, even if it’s Ray goes to rehab, gets some therapy and we skip ahead however many months, and they meet up again afterwards. So a fresh start and we’re left hopeful they’ll work things out.

Okay, that first part might have been way too long, but I’m bias towards Ray and so… that’s how I roll lol. The next bits might be shorter, or they might not lol. Next the Boston and Nick and Top (+ Sand) mess.

Boston, you are the worst. I mean, I kind of get filming your friends in a ‘haha look at these idiots, I’m so teasing them tomorrow’ kind of way, but still, dick move. And you know what another dick move is? Screwing with your friend’s kinda boyfriend (still confused on how long it’s been - under 3 months based on what Boston said last ep - and what Top and Mew consider themselves to be, as Top kept referring to Mew as his boyfriend last ep and this one and Mew complained about Top not introducing him as his boyfriend to Beam at the silent disco), and then for his ultimate dick move, we have Boston forcing himself on Top. I’m glad Top actively pushed Boston off him this time and told him a few home truths. I said before it feels more about Boston’s pride and some weird one-sided rivalry/jealousy. Like even in the flashback, he seemed to be competing with Ray, but also dragging Mew into the conversation with Cheum. Like ‘I can’t beat Ray, but what about Mew? I’m sexier and a better option than him right?’. Honestly, I feel like, if gmmtv would let us have nice things and let Neo and Khao out of the friends zone for a minute, Boston would be that guy to comfort Ray and maybe makeout/sleep with him just to show he was that little bit better than Mew - ‘at least I fucked ya’. He seems to have no remorse over anything at the moment. Whether he grows as a person or is a dick until the end, I guess we’ll have to wait and see. We got a nice bit of info about his dad if anyone was looking to really mess things up for him. Not looking at anyone in particular… Nick.

So, Nick. Boston really should have changed his passcode after Nick fixed his phone lol. He is walking a dangerous line of obsession and I’m not sure exactly where he’ll fall by the end. He was like a smitten kitten in the first couple of episodes, and he looked at Boston with hope and adoration, but there was a significant difference in how Boston’s words worked (or rather didn’t seem to) this episode when they were together. It currently stands as him wanting to get Boston, for them to be in love, but, depending where both his and Boston’s games take them, I feel like it might just come down to him wanting to ruin Boston in the end. You don’t love me? Well sucks to be you. I am here for Nasty Nick and his obsessive listening to Top and Boston moaning (poor Sand though - he did not need to hear that lol) And then he brings Top into it, and in turn Sand (and we find out Top stole Sand’s ex - gonna assume that person will pop up at some point). Well, everybody will know about Top and Boston but Mew at this point. I have this horrible feeling when stuff comes out Ray will find out Sand already knew and that might be one of many reasons they have problems.

So Top and Mew. Their relationship is the strangest to me. It might be because as the audience we know more of what Top’s been doing behind Mew’s back, see more of his smug smirky face that I want to punch occasionally, whereas we don’t know that much about Mew as an individual, but I don’t know… *stares at them*. I know Top got Mew’s heart all a flutter but sometimes, I’m left questioning what Mew sees in Top and does he actually like him? They can have some ridiculously cute moments, the disco, the Photo Booth, in the shower. Then they have some really off feeling and tense, challenging each other moments, Top coming off as possessive and pulling him away from his friends, the reset scene at laser tag, the scenes at the end of this episode. I like that Mew isn’t a pushover but getting with Top seems exhausting to me.

Another thing I like is that Mew doesn’t judge Top based on his past or who he’s slept with. Like I said Mew seems to be honest and straightforward and he wants Top to be the same with him. And I’m very much a judge you by what you do now not your past kind of person myself (obviously there are some exceptions to that). The plane in Top’s room got me curious. Is there a Boeing? I assume so as even before he told Mew and the only B I could think of at the time was Boston, I was like, surely not. Boston doesn’t seem in the least bit sentimental and not sure what a plane has to do with anything, but I did have second thoughts as the camera lingered and shifted focus from the plane to the model car that looks very much like Boston’s behind it. It might mean nothing, or maybe ‘Boeing’ will show up, the shot is framing two issues that can come between Top and Mew in the future - Boston and this Boeing person.

Top keeps pulling me in and has me thinking, okay maybe he is trying to be a better person, he just keeps fucking up, you know, like people do, and then just as quickly, I’m screaming trash at him. Where as Boston falls on the love to hate him side of villainy, Top keeps sticking his head over the line into just hate him territory. We’ll have to see where things go. I did think he’d called Beam over for sex at first, but not seeing the scene play out I wondered if it was something else - like just hang out, drink and sleep, as Top was clearly feeling guilty thinking back to moments with Mew and Boston, so I thought he might have trouble sleeping. As it was it was drugs. One way to knock yourself out I guess… whether it’s always just been drugs with Beam, looking back at the conversation at the silent disco, who knows, and I would have given him the benefit of the doubt, as I do want to believe he wants to change, but he’d already got arsey over Ray, Mew’s friend, being there and apparently not happy that he got his knickers in a twist over a kiss from 2 years ago, so was doubting Mew when he said it stopped at the kiss, and THEN initiated some weird deal for him stopping drugs. Again, we know more stuff than Mew, but with that music choice too, it felt all kinds of sleazy to me. If I was Mew I would not have been in the mood for sexy shenanigans, but hey, you do you, and hand jobs don’t have to be that deep. Fucking loved it when Mew said no penetration, take it or leave it lol.

OKAY. I think I’m done. There were probably other things I wanted to comment on, but the rambling was strong with this one lol. Looking forward to Episode 5.

#only friends the series #only friends episode 4 #only friends series #firstkhaotung #sandray #forcebook #topmew #bostonnick #firstkhao #neomark #i love a good ramble #crying at mew calling him ray of sunshine #i just want Ray to be happy #i’m biased and I know it lol

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heretic-altias · 2 years ago

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FFXIVWrite Day 30 - Amity

I decided to wrap things up for FFXIVWrite with a little reflective piece for Akku. The nicest little guy for the friendliest prompt.

While not related to the prompt I'd also like to celebrate here that I did it! I did every single prompt for this challenge! This is something I've actually wanted to accomplish for a few years now, so I'm really proud of myself. I hope anyone following my page enjoyed it too and wasn't driven too mad by my blog suddenly becoming 99% fics when I rarely posted my writing usually lol.

Don’t know my characters? Here’s a basic breakdown to help you out!

As far back as he could remember, Akku simply wanted to be a good person. To be kind to everyone he met. Even before his echo power had manifested and shown him just how much suffering everyone carried, he wanted to make their lives better.

In his youth, his kindness was not repaid. In retrospect, he had simply been a pushover. Letting others walk all over him trying to make them happy. In the mind of a child, letting others act in the way that made them happy seemed like kindness.

He had still not entirely grown out of that when fate first dropped him in with Solar as a Warrior of Light. He had been the youngest one there, a boy of nineteen summers tagging along with proper adults. A bright eyed child hopeful about their role in the world. Heroes were always kind after all. Heroes made everyone happy in the end.

But he quickly came to see that simply wasn’t reality. Sometimes the greatest kindness was a harsh truth, sometimes people suffered and died no matter how hard you tried.

Sometimes in the end Altais, with her direct and blunt responses, had been kinder than his attempts to comfort people. Sometimes, even when the war was over and the people were saved, some still suffered endlessly. And many people didn’t even live to see the end.

In a strange way, Akku had learned to be kinder. He understood when he had to be direct and harsh for the greater good of someone’s well being. He had learned to respect himself and not just be tread upon, for his agency was needed to do good in the world.

And in face of his failures, he continued to try.

Akku reflected on all of this as he relaxed by the docks in Sharlayan, a light snow starting to dust the ground. He had come to like this city a lot, there was something peaceful about it. And since being sort of adopted into a study group despite not actually being a student, he enjoyed spending time here with some new friends. With the Scions officially disbanded, and his friends in Solar spread out working on their own things Akku had been sort of drifting lately.

Should he be doing more than this? Maybe. Maybe he should enroll in the classes himself instead of just studying with some of the students. Maybe he should be going home and seeing if Zelda needed any help on the administrative side of things. Or maybe he should still be traveling, doing what he can to help anyone he meets.

But this was comforting. And he didn’t need to do anything just yet. Being a Scion and Warrior of Light had actually left him quite wealthy, even with his poor money skills. Not Ul’dah Syndicate level of wealthy, but wealthy enough where he probably would not want for anything for the rest of his life if he kept living as he did. And if he had the means to keep doing nothing for a little while, then why not? There was one person he had rarely ever been kind to: himself. And that person deserved this period of rest. Purpose would find him again eventually. Until then he’d continue to enjoy this. He’d keep trying to spend time with his friends, both new and old, simply because it made him happy. And he knew it made them happy too. What better way to spend his days than that?

He wasn’t dumb enough to think it’d last forever. Eventually his friends would need his help again, and he would answer because that’s who he is. But somehow he’d gotten that happy ending everyone wrote the hero having. It wasn’t as perfect as the stories, but it was his and he was happy.

#final fantasy xiv #ffxiv #ffxivwrite2023

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cyberrat · 22 days ago

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I’m loving the resurgence of love for D/s verse. It’s so much fun! It can be played with in so many different ways, too! Ah, I hope to see more of it~

Besides Endv/Hawks, are there any other MHA ships you have headcanons for in that ‘verse?

that is a wonderful, wonderful question. Please allow me to elucidate >:3c

So first of all my biggest ship is Endeavor/everyone because one might or might not have cottoned on to it but my absolute favorite thing that always makes me froth at the mouth is rape + rape recovery.

So I need a fic where after Dabi spills the beans about all the shit his father did, Endeavor gets kind of disowned by the public? Like he can still work as a hero (and he does because he literally doesn't know what else to do, it has been his sole motivation his entire life) but they can also do whatever the fuck they want to/with him.

Him being a largely untrained submissive only means that he has no idea how to actually filter out commands by Dominants or not react to Dom voices so he's just some pathetic little street entertainment in between actually catching criminals. Just delicious public usage. Him constantly on the edge of a massive Drop. Horrible things happening.

At some point someone can take pity on him and start to comfort him. I'll allow it :')

but yes. other ships, let me seeee

---

Absolutely love myself some Eraserhead/Present Mic. I can't decide which dynamic I like best for the two of them but I feel like ... mmmh... I think I sway more to Dom Eraserhead and sub Mic. I feel like Mic constantly overstimulates himself. Just constantly pulls himself higher and higher the moment he wakes up in the morning and depending on what he did during the day/night, he'll crash hard.

They're both dumpster fires because Aizawa already doesn't get enough sleep as is but it's only made worse by the fact he has to catch Mic again in the evenings and try to put him back together. Mic always feeling the guilt gnawing on him when he sees how bone tired Aizawa is again but when he's frizzed out and on the verge of a Drop he can never think of it that way.

Aizawa keeps assuring him that he's fine. Mic keeps not believing him.

I think the epiphany comes when Aizawa sees Bakugo trussed up at the UA tournament. He gets Mic a muzzle just like his but with some sound proof qualities to it and the moment Mic realizes he can't talk/can't hear his own voice, his eyes go so soft and sweet and loopy. Like Aizawa doesn't need to do shit, that sub is *out*.

---

AllMight/anyone is also very good. Toshinori having been an Alpha but with the loss of One for All he slipped into what he would have always naturally become: a switch leaning heavily into submissive tendencies.

He's always been a super gentle Dom to begin with but he has no idea how to sub. Always second guessing himself. Always on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Not a Drop but just anxiety wrestling him down big time.

He's just the sweetest. Absolute gem. Deserves constant praise and acknowledgement how pretty he is even all frail and constantly on the verge of death.

He's the epitome of a good boy and needs to be made to feel that way.

---

Shinso/adoptive fathers Eraserhead and Mic. But also Shinso/everyone because I LOVE HIM LIKE FUCK HE'S SO GOOD.

I need Shinso to always awkwardly stand outside of the room while the two are playing. All heavy lidded and panting into his palm and trying to be quiet like a mouse while he listens in and his body goes nice and loose and soft for when Aizawa murmurs commands and he follows them outside in the hallway as best he can.

It's easier when the Dom isn't talking to him directly because that way he doesn't have to always second guess himself and whether his Quirk isn't making the Dom do stuff that they don't want to do.

I need this to go on for *years* with neither Aizawa or Mic even aware it is happening. Shinso never really shows signs of being a Dom or a sub so they think he's either a switch or nothing at all. Just living his best life without needing to be regulated.

At some point I need them to figure it out obvs.

And turns out a threesome relationship is just the best because Aizawa can tend to both at once with Shinso kneeling a little off to the side, getting attention like he needs but also not, you know?

I need a toooon of them all training together and Aizawa and Mic slowly coaxing Shinso closer and closer like the sweet little street kitten that he is.

---

Bakugo/Kirishima because they're so good together. Kirishima being the sweet happy go lucky Dom and Bakugo being... Bakugo. Deffo a sub. Deffo hating it. Absolutely would have become Endeavor 2.0 if his parents weren't such wonderful examples of a healthy D/s relationship and if he didn't have Kirishima right there from the beginning just being cute and careful and taking all his outbursts on the chin. Literally.

---

please talk to me about any and all and tell me all your HCs. Still stretching my leggies with the D/s verse, it's gotten so underused.

#peeps being cutie pies

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winterbrrrd · 1 year ago

Text

The Drugs

Our first kiss was by the Indian Ocean with the shisha boy

Who lit the coals of my first hookah

In the same way he would light the green in my first pipe.

I don’t remember a thing about what it looked like,

How good the grass was,

Only the sight of the ocean stretched out before us,

The infinite darkness and the way he would bring me back to the dance floor

And give me my first French kiss, too,

And I would return to my dorm room

And lift my wrap skirt over my head

And eat an entire bag of thin red lollipops.

The shisha boy followed me to Stone Town but I was forbidden from going out with him

On account of the brief kidnapping in Dar Es Salaam.

The weed started as a distraction

From the pain and humiliation of

Being that dumb white girl who

Goes to Africa and gets

Kidnapped because it’s

What she deserves.

They held a meeting about me.

Everyone in the group with me in the middle and they made me confess my sin,

The sin of having trusted

The wrong person

And having wound up in a fake cop car surrounded by four large men demanding all my money

Or else.

And the sin of having rolled out of the slowly moving car and being rejected by the first woman my sobbing self reached out to hug.

It was my first time experiencing death.

It was one week before I would experience addiction.

Weed made me manic,

Non-organically.

I smoked it in the rafters of the barn,

Laughing hysterically as Rosie drank vodka out the little plastic bags they came in,

Blabbing about Horse Face and how she fucked him in the ocean.

Drink would come soon, too,

First in the hotel adjacent to Heathrow -

Two Vodka Smirnoffs -

Then on the plane back to Chicago -

Four vodka crans,

Drunk enough to leaf through the albums on the back of the seat in front of me,

Stumbling on something called “Lady Gaga”

And dancing in my seat hard enough to draw stares.

Weed was blurry.

It first made me psychotic when my brother was a missing person.

I would sit under my lofted bed with Ry and cry eyeliner tears to screamo

Or sit under my lofted bed with Ethan and combine words to make new, non-sensical ones.

Or I would smoke and the pain of living would lift out of my body like a specter, to the point that I felt nothing when

I dragged the safety pin across my arms,

Deep enough to draw blood that would bubble like the seeds of a raspberry and

Drip down the dorm shower drains with the rest of the filth of me.

Psychosis came soon.

It came with Evan,

This delusional love I had for him

That persisted into the grassy patch behind the dormitory,

The moon to my right,

His room to my left

And I cried because I didn’t know why I needed him,

This beyond-heathen,

This demon.

In psychosis, I subsumed the darkness to the extent that I became it,

believed it.

I let it overtake my being, all rationality, all sympathy I once possessed for others.

And the weed was always there guiding me

Deeper into the mineshaft,

To the places they warn you not to go

With old booby traps and withered bones.

The weed charges $15 for a one hour tour into the abyss and,

Clearing its throat,

It begins:

It could get a little darker,

Don’t you think?

I was delusional in my love for Evan,

The way I allowed it to consume me as earth does heaven.

The way I confessed my love

And he shrugged it off

And I got so drunk, I puked red wine in the dorm toilets

And screamed at my bewildered friends:

IFUCKINGHATEMYSELFANDWANTTHISTOEND

I could go through the list,

Tell you every psychotic moment,

Like the time I accused Jenny’s boyfriend of leaving drug paraphernalia in my sink

And even reached out to her sister

To say I thought he was dangerous.

What I didn’t realize then,

And never got to tell Jenny because now she’s dead,

Is that the paraphernalia turned out to be my own.

Or I could tell you about the time I smoked weed through a public breakdown and turned thousands against me,

Sparking wellness checks and

CPS calls and

An eventual failed suicide attempt at seven months pregnant

But I don’t think you would understand

The gravity of that kind of disconnection,

When you’re convinced everyone has it out for you,

That you’re a literal warrior surviving on an isolated planet

And there’s nothing anyone can say to reach you.

And the stories get worse and more complicated and humiliating and so I’ll stop there,

But the point is that

I can come up with a handful of splits from reality that weren’t related to substances

But I can come up with a whole lot more that were.

I’m slightly suspicious when I’m sober.

When I’m high,

I’m convinced.

And my mind goes to terrible places

Of unending suffering and nihilism and fear,

So much fear

That I turn it on its head

And become what I’m afraid of.

And I don’t want to be that person.

I want to feel a full range of emotions,

Not just stupid and flat.

I want to feel like I can be trusted not to

Flip like the switch my child turns on, standing atop little boxes from the trash.

I want to be the person who feels love and not just death,

Not just emptiness,

Not just falling asleep to stock images of washed up corpses.

Weed not only awakens my demons -

It frees them.

I’ve been consuming this laundry list of substances since April and I am tired.

I had the sex.

Too much of it.

I had the stupid early 20s-somethings times at the bar with the flirting and the jokes you can’t remember five minutes later and the humiliating Ludacris karaoke in the little purple dress that shows off your love handles in all their glory.

I had the rapes.

I had the scary intoxicated car rides.

I had the dizziness and the sweating and the shaking from combining a prior night of drinking with too much adderall and a weed edible.

I had the cheating man who shared my name.

I had the night of convincing a 40-something to leave his wife.

I had it and I had more than I knew what to do with and now I must reckon with all of it.

Stare at it.

Hold it and then

Release.

I have lived in the extremes since youth

And I don’t need intoxicants to amplify what already exists within me.

Numbness begets chaos

Because you don’t give a shit what’s happening around you.

Just existing,

Not participating in your own life,

Means people can stretch and mold you like slime made of glue.

Sober me is just me. It’s just me without a megaphone. Me without living in double speed. Me who likes to sit for hours and read non-fiction about the funeral home industry. Me who wanders through the woods, learning to see the trees through photography. Me who spends hours researching abandoned buildings to explore. Me who plans the weirdest roadtrips. Me who drinks tea (??) Me who reads tarot. Me who has friends and doesn’t push them away by being erratic and unstable and careless with my words.

And that’s what I want to say to you.

You are me and I am you

But I am I

And you are you

And I can’t choose your adventure for you.

But I choose light.

I choose to acknowledge that I might not be an addict,

But I am certainly not benefiting from the chaos or the extreme impact on my mental health,

And so sobriety is simply safer for me.

And I think the word addict feels so wrong to you,

Partially because you haven’t seen the full extent of me,

But mostly because you are afraid of admitting what you know about yourself:

That I am you and you are me

And you are using weed to distance yourself from

An unsustainable reality

In the same way a homeless man drinks beer from a brown bag as he wanders the streets.

And the drugs get more intense depending on the intensity of the circumstance

And how hard you have to try to forget.

But that doesn’t mean you’re not an addict.

It just means you have a cop out against admitting it

Because someone is always worse off,

Right?

Is that any reason to settle for mediocrity?

Or does fear have a gun to your head,

A chain to your bed…

This was meant to be a poem for no one but I think it’s only for you.

Because I want you to know why I’m certain

And I want you to be certain, too.

If not about me,

Then at least about you.

Do you want to live in an abandoned house forever,

With molding walls and raccoon poo and nails that reach four inches into your feet?

You could demolish and rebuild,

Sure.

Anyone can build a pine box piece of shit.

But this old home has potential.

You could grab your hammer,

Strap on your kneepads,

Lean the ladder on the roof,

And put in the work it takes

To restore.

#poems on tumblr #spilled poetry #poem #my writing #outsider poetry #confessional poetry #epic poetry

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black-n-white-wings · 1 year ago

Text

Many of the takes on that I read on my little Jiang Cheng fan corner of tumblr kind of agreed with you on that one. Wen Ning was in favour of Jiang Cheng knowing from the start, he didn't like the secrets and the lies and rightfully so, for several reasons. Jiang Cheng deserved to know what had been done to him as it was a very invasive, life-changing procedure. Wei Wuxian did it out of love and concern and a feeling of unhinged despair at seeing someone he cherished so crushed (plus the fact the Jiang kind of told him as last wishes to care for their children, that was out of line, he was a child, blah blah it has been discussed way deeper by better articulated people than me, I won't dwell on it) and it fundamentally changed him as well. Wen Qing deserved to be recognised for the FEAT that this procedure was, a procedure never done before and only a theory and yet successful enough that both her patients survived although one of them very fucked up afterwards. Jiang Cheng's anger at his brother and his blaming him for Yanli's death is a coping mechanism because he needs a reason to be angry, as bad as it is. We know that, and several times we know that he himself is fighting to keep this image of evil Wei Wuxian to cope, to stay angry because he doesn't know what else to do. And the waking call is important, it's the second life, second chances, the opportunity for everyone to do better and start to heal from the war that destroyed those children! Hé needs to let go, to understand that Wei Wuxian's actions AND his mistakes and his batshit crazy decisions were the result of him caring so much about people and about him and about their sect and about the people that saved their lives. Wei Wuxian couldn't choose who deserved to be saved, he tried and failed and died but it always was out of love.

For me, the out-of-line part is rather the phrasing, actually. In both the novel and the live-action, Wen Ning not only reveals the truth but does so very cruelly, and uses Jiang Cheng's insecurities as weapons to crush him further while he's already very distressed. And in the novel, Jiang Cheng is not even the one that starts the physical altercations. So the guy who is already wounded from the second siege of the burial mounds takes a talisman and two grown ass people in the face, gets upset but still doesn't attack to hurt or wound, and then the fierce corpse of the Sect that genocided his entire clan and tortured him in his own home jumps in, emotionally eviscerates him and skedaddles out of here with the two men that caused his blood pressure to rise.

I think it is Wen Ning's resentment displayed in full for us at that moment. The boy is angry but we rarely see him lash out, be angry. And he's Jiang Cheng's foil. He's also made by Wei Wuxian out of love and a sense of duty for Wen Ning's family and he fundamentally changes him without his consent. Wen Ning is never angry at Wei Wuxian for that, and still he could understand Jiang Cheng. But Wen Ning refuses to be angry at Wei Wuxian, to think about what he's done to him. So despite him being maybe the only one able to truly understand why Jiang Cheng is having a mental breakdown when he tells him the truth, he still adds that bit about being inferior and undeserving: elements Jiang Cheng has believed and clearly still believes about himself from his parents' abuse. That's for me the part that is out of line.

Sorry for the long post!

I don’t think Wen Ning told Jiang Cheng about the golden core because he wanted him to know he owed Wei Ying or any of the sort. Like a lot of people seem to think that and therefore conclude Wen Ning was out of line. But it’s more likely that he did it to give Jiang Cheng the wake up call he needed. Because he has lived for 13 years in denial of the truth in that Jiang Yan Li’s death was not Wei Yings fault and he himself had a hand in his brothers demise. It was meant to be a reminder to him of who Wei Ying actually is and the made version he has in his head is a perception that has been warped by his anger and grief. It’s meant to be a reminder of how much Wei Ying loved him. Jiang Chengs anger is understandable but it doesn’t justify him treating Wei Ying the way he did and putting all the blame on him without ever trying to comprehend the choices his brother made and why he made them.

#Jiang cheng #wen ning #mdzs #cql

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idyllic-affections · 2 years ago

Note

i just read both of your muichiro works and I’m really impressed 😭😭💓, so I would like to request some thing. What would the reader (gender neutral pls) have to do to cheer giyuu,obanai and muichiro when they are is sad

what might one need to do to raise the hashiras' spirits?

summary. how do you comfort the hashiras?

trigger & content warnings. no applicable warnings.

tropes, pairings, fic length, & other notes. reverse comfort. muichiro tokito & reader, kyojuro rengoku & reader, tengen uzui & reader. 0.7k words. no pronouns for reader.

author's thoughts. hello lovely!! thank you so much. muichiro is like... my favorite ever, so recieving praise for the content i write of him is so heart-warming <33 on a more serious note, please please remember to read my rules before requesting. like any writer, i have boundaries. it states who i do and don't write for, and as of right now, i'm just not comfortable writing for giyuu or obanai. i replaced them w/ kyojuro and tengen. muichiro's is the longest though bc i love my son <3333 also this is kind of a different writing style than my usual content? if you guys like it enough i might try to use it more often.

T. MUICHIRO—

oh this boy. this poor boy.

i like to think that he goes through random bouts of sadness and frustration, especially before he regains his memory; he doesn't even know where his deep-seated rage towards demons come from! that fact just perpetuates his frustration. he can't understand why he's so angry and that only serves to anger him more.

also, let's not forget that he's a child. he is a fourteen-year-old child. he has a hard time processing his feelings and working through his trauma alone. children need love and support, love and support that he does not get enough of.

(the other hashira try their best, but let's be honest—they're all always so busy. they wouldn't realistically have time to attend to the emotional needs of a child.)

i don't care how independent canon muichiro seems to be.

he is a child. he grew up too fast.

to ease his soul, i think the best course of action would simply be to dote on him.

he needs the attention. he really does.

dote on him.

brush and braid his hair (braiding it would have practical value, after all!) with his permission, cook for him... just small, familial gestures.

he may or may not cry.

if he does, squeeze his hand and run your thumb over his knuckles. he's like a cat; do not make any further contact unless he initiates it first.

he probably won't vent because he doesn't know what's upsetting him. just let him cry it out. don't expect an explanation (and don't be surprised if he forgets about his breakdown soon after it happens).

give him a lil forehead kiss. he deserves it.

R. KYOJURO—

kyojuro is an interesting one!

i personally think that doing little domestic things with him would be a good way to cheer him up.

or even just doing things with him, spending time with him.

take a walk! go out to eat! make friendship bracelets! any activities done together are always a good bet with kyojuro.

simple little gestures are definitely the way to go, too. he's got a big heart. it's really not too hard to cheer him up, as long as your efforts are genuine.

also, definitely give him a big hug. he'd love that. squeeze him like your life depends on it. it won't hurt him; he's a hashira. he'll be fine.

i headcanon that he's a very good cook!

he is, however, a disaster with baking.

doing things like cooking and baking with him would raise his spirits so so effectively. trying to teach him how to bake would be really good for making him laugh, because i guaruntee that you & him would end up covered in flour and shit like that LMAO

be sure to listen to him talk if he decides on opening up. he'll appreciate having someone that listens.

U. TENGEN—

we all know this man is flashy and loud!

because of this, i think the best way to cheer him up would actually just be sitting in the silence with him.

no words, nothing. just calm silence between two friends.

observe the stars at night with him. listen to the wind rustle leaves and blades of grass.

anything that's simply low effort and relaxing would be good for him, i think. he's got so much energy all the time. tengen spends so much time being... loud and—obviously—flashy.

because of that, every now and then, he needs quiet time to recover.

he needs to decompress sometimes.

like kyojuro, i think he'd appreciate a good hug too. in his case though, it would be best and most effective to hug him once he's feeling better, not while he's feeling bad.

with his permission, massage the tension out of his shoulders. that would help too.

really, he just needs a judgement-free safe space in which he can wind down. i don't imagine him as the type to vent, so that's not something he'd be doing. he just needs someone who understands his need for the quiet, someone who won't pressure him to open up when he just isn't ready to.

he just needs a friend to be there for him.

please consider reblogging, it helps me out quite a lot!

#aphelion's headcanons 🌸#platonic demon slayer x reader #platonic kny x reader #demon slayer x reader #kny x reader #muichiro tokito x reader #tokito muichiro x reader #rengoku kyojuro x reader #kyojuro rengoku x reader #uzui tengen x reader #tengen uzui x reader

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dearmura · 2 years ago

Text

sight for sore eyes

cw. Mentions of self consciousness, mental breakdowns, academic stress, mild cursing

☆ genre. angst, comfort, fluff

☆ pairings. non-idol! Riki × fem! reader

☆ synopsis. Seeing y/n slowly lose herself in the midst of grades, riki brings you down to Earth and gives you much needed comfort (def not based on my own academic validation...)

🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

Babyyy

Are you busy:(((

Checking your phone with sigh, you peel your eyes away from your notes, smiling bittersweetly at his text. How you wish you had the time to give the boy the attention he deserves. Wish you didn't care so much about some goddamn numbers. Wish you could for just this once be happy and not beat yourself up. With a frown, you text back at an agonizing pace, forcing yourself to type the painful words he's heard too many times

I'm sorry babe

I have a test tomorrow I can't afford to flunk it :(

I promise we'll hang out another time

As you send the last message, a hot tear rolls down your cheek, knowing he didn't deserve these empty promises. You hesitate to put down your phone, desperately wanting to talk to the boy but you knew deep down you couldn't

A few seconds pass before another message rolls in, unlocking your screen, your eyes are met with a single word

Wait

At that point, you can't stop the tears from flowing. Sinking your face into your arms, you hold your head, breath hitching and hands shaking. Your hours worth of picture-perfect, font-like notes probably washed away by your tears but you didn't seem to care. You just wished you could be numb to it all

You ponder his message

Wait?

What was that supposed to mean? Was he sick of your lame excuses? Sick of your inability to make time for him? Sick of your overachieving attitude?

Sick of you?

Your breath quickens impossibly. You knew you were overthinking, you always did. Getting self-conscious over little things like this? You're overthinking. Analyzing a question too much? You're overthinking. Asking too many goddamn questions because you can't fathom the thought you're not as perfect as you want to be? You're overthinking. You've heard it too many times to deny it, hell, you believed it yourself

If you knew you were overthinking, why couldn't you tell yourself that? After being told so many times, why did you still believe you weren't good enough? Why do you still beat yourself up day in and day out about dumb mistakes and things completely out of your control?

Because you were greedy. Greedy for it all. You hated to admit it but that word quite sums you up. Greedy for the No. 1 spot. Greedy for validation. Greedy for praise. Greedy for his attention. Greedy for someone who cared...

Well look how that ended up for you

Before you could think further, you hear a knock at the door, snapping you out of your thoughts. It's was 11 at night, who could be at the door? With a tear stained shirt, puffy eyes and red cheeks, you peek through the window only to see a figure undeniably belonging to your beloved boyfriend

Answering the door with a confused look, you immediately hear him rambling on

"I'm so sorry I took so long to get here. I didn't know so many convenience stores close so early. I hope you don't mind I got the party size chips, I sensed a long night so I thought we'd...need it" His eyes eventually meet your red ones. In an instant, he closes the door behind him, dropping everything in his hands and pulling you in a hug, chin resting atop your head, placing a kiss on your hair

The simple action broke down your dam walls, making you break out into full on sobs, clawing at his back desperately, almost as if doing so would ground you somehow, give you control over your own mind

"Shhhh that right, angel, let it all out" He whispers softly, rubbing soothing circles onto your back, holding your head in the crook of his neck as he caressed your hair

Feeling the warmth of his body, you hold him tighter, nuzzling your face into his neck, finding his cologne intoxicatingly soothing

After a few minutes, you pulled away, wiping your eyes with the cuff of your sweater

"T-thank you k-ki" you sniff, speaking through hiccups

"Take all the time you need, angel" he reassures you, rubbing soothing circles on your cheek with his thumb. You instantly lean into his touch

Leading you into your bedroom, he sits you down on your bed, holding your hands gently

You begin " 's just, 'm really stressed about school. I feel like I have no control over what's around me. I'm drowning in my own fucking mistakes. And you...I'm being so selfish, taking away your time and brushing you off whenever you want to hang out. I'm so so sorry, ki. From the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm not good enough for you. I'm sorry I care so fucking much for my grades and push you aside. Im sorry i-" As you feel another tear roll down your cheek, a pair of lips meet yours.

You can't help but melt into the kiss, straddling his lap and playing with the hair on his nape, another tear rolling down your cheek at the pure sensitivity. You needed the proximity, the comfort, the touch

He smiles against your lips at your desperateness, bringing his thumb to your cheek to wipe your tears before gently holding your waist

The kiss wasn't rushed or heated but rather slow and gentle. He knew just what you needed, reading your mind like it was his own

Slowly pulling away, he kept a hand on your waist, the other tucking a strand of hair behind your ear

"Angel, I want you to know that I'm so so so fucking proud of you. You never fail to wow me every day. And it really breaks my heart seeing you beat yourself up like this. How I wish I could be there to kiss these beautiful lips whenever you doubt yourself, angel. You may think you're flawed but you are quite possibly the most beautiful, most loving, most intelligent, more hardworking, most deligent girl I know. So don't you fucking dare doubt yourself. You're doing so good, angel, I really wish you could see yourself through my eyes. Wish you could love yourself as much as you love others. As much as you love me" He whispers the last part

"It's okay to give yourself a break, beautiful. Take care of yourself. You're life doesn't revolve around your grades. Yes it's important but so are you, angel. It's okay to mess up, it's okay to fall, I know you have the strength to brush it off and keep going. Chasing perfection is digging an endlessly deep hole for yourself that leads absolutely no where. As much as I call you perfect, you're not babe, but that's what I love about you. The way snot comes out of your nose when you laugh too hard. The way you sleep with your mouth open. The way broccoli gets stuck in your teeth. I love it. Love it all. Love you" He breathes out his words, eyes locked on your lips

You blush intensely at his words, hitting his shoulder before hiding your face with your hands

"You're gonna make me cry again, ki~" You whine is faux annoyance, making him giggle

Taking your face in his hands, he forces your gaze to meet his

"I love you so much, angel, never forget that" He speaks before placing a peck on your lips, getting up from your bed and walking toward your desk

"Now about that test, sounds like you need a study buddy" he clears his throat

"Number 1, what is the p...ur..pose of the mi...to..chon...y/n I can't read shit, what is medieval looking handwriting" he deadpans with a devastating smile

You burst into a fit of laughter, playfully punching his side at his words. He feigns an injury, dramatically falling back on the bed, grabbing you with him. As you both giggle, you lean into his ear and whisper a soft

"I love you too, darling"

Fin

#enhypen #enhypen fluff #ni ki enhypen #niki fluff #niki x reader #niki x you #nishimura niki #ni ki #enha imagines #enh

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buckybarnesowl · 3 years ago

Text

Love in Four Acts

Pairing: fatws!Bucky x nurse!reader (featuring matchmaker!Alpine)

Word count: 7.5k

Summary: You’re a nurse living in Brooklyn. You’ve got a crush on your next door neighbour who doesn’t seem to know you exist. One day his cat finds its way into your apartment, forcing you both to finally meet. That’s when you learn that he’s James Buchanan Barnes, ex-Winter Soldier. Well, there goes your chances. Or maybe getting close to a superhero isn’t as far-fetched as it sounds.

Warnings: some mentions of Bucky dealing with past trauma and lack of confidence; Bucky has a brief emotional breakdown; minimal use of y/n; some sweetheart, but no “doll”

A/n: This is my extremely late entry for @pellucid-constellations love letter writing challenge. This idea had been stuck in my head for a while and the challenge gave me the push I needed to flesh it out so thank you, Kathie, for the inspiration! And I incorporated these two prompts:

“And I’ve never felt like that before, but something about you makes me want to feel like that.” “Is it fair to say that you read the love letter and that this means ‘yes’?”

PS: I made Dr. Raynor a good therapist because that’s what our boy deserves. Also Bucky and Howl from Howl’s Moving Castle are basically the same character and no one can tell me otherwise. There are some major references to that movie so if you haven’t seen it, my apologies.

Act I

Lose a chatty white cat? Come knock on 3B. -Y/n

You pinned the note to the cork board next to the mailboxes and made your way back up to your apartment on the third floor.

You lived in an old three story walk-up. The kind with faded brick on the outside, no elevator, creaky wood floors, and never enough electrical outlets. The pipes shuddered in the walls at random times and sometimes the lights flickered. It was home and you loved it. The rent was cheap and everyone in the building was friendly enough.

Except for your next door neighbour.

Your shy, enigma of a neighbour who looked like a modern day Greek god. That chiselled jawline, his messy-on-top-short-on-the-sides brown hair, those black t-shirts and jeans he always wore that hugged him in all the right spots. It was enough to make heart beat pick up every time you passed each other in hallway.

You tried friendly hello’s and hi’s when he first moved in, which were always met with, well, nothing. He completely ignored all of your attempts at neighbourly interactions, averting his blue eyes to the ground whenever you greeted him. So you resigned to a simple smile anytime you crossed paths, in case he finally came out of his shell.

The old adage of you always want what you can’t have definitely held up. Your crush on your neighbour only intensified as the months went on.

There was something familiar about him, and he didn’t make you feel threatened the way most jacked up men would. Maybe it was his quiet demeanour, always trying to take up as little space as possible. Whatever it was, something in the way he carried himself made you feel safe knowing that you two shared a wall. New York had all sorts of strange people. It was comforting to know you had a strong neighbour next door in case something ever happened.

Not that you needed protection. You’d grown a thick skin over the past five years—working as a nurse in the emergency department at the Brooklyn Hospital Centre meant you dealt with some challenging situations. You loved your job, but you had definitely learned to think quick on your feet, becoming a master at diffusing a situation. Though it was your compassion and empathy that made you one of the top nurses on the floor and was why you put up with the shift work—you really just loved helping others.

“So who do you belong to, huh?” you asked the white ball of fur that was purring next to you on your couch. It let out a string of chirped meows in response as it pranced back and forth, nudging its head under your hand for more pets.

The feline had jumped in from the fire escape when you opened your window after getting back from your evening shift. The air was starting to warm up as winter finally retracted its icy grip over the city. You had felt the breath of spring in the air as you walked home from the train and wanted to let some fresh air in. As you pushed the heavy guillotine-style window up, the white cat bounded into your living room like a lightning bolt, nearly giving you a heart attack. You had stuck your head out of the window to see if any of your neighbours were out, but your search came up empty. You shut the window so the cat couldn’t escape, scribbled the quick note and ran down the stairs to post it. Your new visitor was perched on your couch when you came back a few minutes later, its tail lazily twitching back and forth, having wasted no time in making itself at home.

“Well whoever they are, I bet they miss you. You sure are sweet,” you continued, answered by another string of choppy meows.

A knock on the door interrupted your dialogue, and you scooped up the cat without even thinking whether or not it would be ok with being handled that way. Sure enough, the cat snuggled into the crook of your elbow, nuzzling its head under your chin. This was the most affectionate cat you had ever met.

You suffered your second close call with a heart attack that night as you opened your door. There stood your silent, moody, painfully attractive neighbour. He was wearing a leather jacket and black leather gloves on his hands, one of which was rubbing the back of his neck as he grimaced awkwardly at you.

“Hiya, neighbour,” you said as cooly as possible, desperately trying to ignore the pounding of your heart.

“Uh, sorry to bother you so late... but I read your note.”

“This sweet love muffin is yours I presume?” you asked, nudging your chin into the cat’s fur one last time before having to give it back.

Your crush chuckled at the nickname you’d already given his pet. “I’m not sure sweet is the right word to describe him. Though he sure seems to have taken a liking to you.”

“You mean he’s not like this all the time?”

“Uh, no. He barely lets me pick him up. You did get the chatty part right though. It's kinda nice to have around actually… I mean, uh…”

You watched as his icy blue eyes darkened and looked down at his hands he was now wringing together nervously. He’s lonely, you thought to yourself. Your heart clenched tighter for him.

“Well, I’m sure he’s going to be happy to be back home with you, won’t you…” you trailed off, realising you didn’t know what to call the cat. Or his owner for that matter.

Start with the easy one, Y/n, you told yourself. “What’s his name?”

“Alpine,” your neighbour replied softly, a half smile returning to his lips as he brought his gaze back up towards you. The cat mewled at the sound of his name, causing you both to laugh.

“Well, Alpine,” another meow, “it’s time to go back home with your dad.” You lifted the cat off your chest and handed him, with a bit of reluctance, back to your neighbour. You found a morsel of courage and added, “if you ever need a cat sitter, I’d be happy to. He’s a real sweetheart.”

“Thanks a lot. That’s uh, real kind of you,” he responded, a faint blush surfacing on his cheeks.

“Well, I guess I’ll let you two get reunited. I’m Y/n, by the way.”

“Right,” he hesitated a moment, as if trying to decide if he should tell you his name. “I’m Bucky.”

“Well, Bucky, it was nice to finally meet you. Remember, if you ever need someone to watch him, or anything really, just knock.”

“Will do. G’night then.”

“‘Night, neighbour.”

You closed the door, your cheeks on fire as you let out a groan. “‘Night, neighbour,” you repeated mockingly. Could you have laid it on any thicker? And how could someone that hot be that awkward? It was adorable and only strengthened your crush.

Well, at least I know his name now, you thought. “Bucky.” It had a familiar ring to it, but you couldn’t place why.

As you lay in bed that night, your mind replaying the interaction over and over, you finally gave in and grabbed your phone. As soon as you clicked “go” after typing “Bucky” into the search field, your heart nearly stopped for the third time.

“No fucking way,” you exclaimed out loud.

Your neighbour was James Buchanan Barnes. Brainwashed ex-assassin turned Avenger. You were crushing on a literal superhero.

“Well, there goes that,” you sighed, turning over to finally try and get some sleep. At least you knew there was no chance anymore. Still, maybe you’d get lucky and at least dream about him. At this point, you’d take what you could get. You closed your eyes, smiling at the possibility as you drifted off.

-----ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ-----

Act II

[Three weeks later]

“Shit,” Bucky muttered under his breath as he darted around his sparsely furnished apartment in search of his keys.

“I bet you did this on purpose, didn’t you,” he glared at Alpine.

The cat let out a single blunt chirp as he jumped onto the back of the couch to watch his owner fret over his belongings.

Bucky couldn’t afford to miss his appointment with Dr. Raynor. That was the whole basis of the pardon: state mandated therapy for a minimum of one year in exchange for exoneration from the crimes he the Winter Soldier committed.

“Ah ha!” he exclaimed, startling Alpine off the couch as he retrieved the set of keys from one of his shoes by the door. Must have fallen off the hook, he thought. The cat began circling through his legs while meowing at him, his routine every time Bucky prepared to leave.

Bucky picked up the cat and booped its small pink nose with the tip of his own. “I’ll be back soon, buddy. Don’t tear the place up while I’m out.”

The cat meowed low, as if offended at the thought, shaking himself out as soon as Bucky placed him back down on the floor.

When Bucky thinks back on what happened next, he can’t help but chuckle at the thought of his cat being this cunning. Normally Alpine would sit at the door as Bucky left. It was his send off routine that the cat never broke. Except for today. On this particular day, Alpine bolted through Bucky’s legs and into the hallway before the supersoldier knew what had happened.

“Dammit!” he yelled without thinking.

The curse caused you to turn around, your door still open as you were just getting home from an overnight shift. This gave Alpine enough time to brush past your legs and take immediate residence under your couch.

“You have got to be kidding me,” Bucky groaned under his breath.

“I think your cat might have a crush on me,” you said, any nervousness that normally bubbled up whenever you saw Bucky was currently being dulled by your fatigue from a 12-hour shift.

“I think you’re right,” Bucky chuckled. Him and me both, he admitted internally as he felt his cheeks heat up at the intrusive thought. Clearing his throat, he quickly found his words again. “I’m sorry to do this… you look like you’re just getting back from work… but, uh, would you mind watching him for just a few hours? I have an appointment that I really can’t miss.”

Bucky’s worry at the ask melted when he felt the warmth of your smile. “Of course! It usually takes me a few hours to wind down from a shift anyways, so it’s no trouble at all.”

“You’re a lifesaver. I’ll make it up to you, promise.”

“Don’t sweat it. That’s what neighbours are for, right?”

Bucky felt his heart rate increase as he saw the sincerity in your eyes match the tone of your voice. How could someone this beautiful be this sweet? He felt his crush intensify with every interaction you both had, and it was almost becoming unbearable. Almost.

“Right. Well, thanks again. I’ll be back around 11. Is that okay?”

“Yup, no problem. Go on, or you’ll be late.”

“Thanks, neighbour”

“Anytime,” you said softly with your ever-present smile, making Bucky’s stomach flutter.

He nodded and turned away, before you could see how red his cheeks could go. "Thanks, neighbour"... Jesus Christ, Barnes, get it together and stop being a creep.

***

“I can sense the apprehension about asking your neighbour out. But I’m still not following how it would make you a creep. Can you try and explain that part for me?”

Bucky sighed as he looked up at the ceiling, then out the window. Dr. Raynor always forced him to articulate his thoughts in more detail than he felt comfortable with, or even capable of.

He loathed it.

And he also recognized that it was the part about this whole therapy thing that was helping him the most. Separating fears from reality. Getting at the root of his emotions, rather than burying them.

“It’s just…” he trailed off with another sigh, before forcing himself to push through the discomfort. “They're not dumb. I’m sure they know who I am. What I’ve done… there’s just no way they'd want to be with someone like me.” Bucky looked at his gloved hands pressed into his thighs. That was the crux of it, wasn’t it? He could never be good enough for someone like you.

“So what I’m hearing is that because of the actions you were brainwashed into carrying out, actions that you yourself would never do, you believe you could never be good enough for this neighbour who—from what you’ve shared with me—seems to like you quite a bit. Is that right?”

“I don’t know about that last part, but, yeah, I guess that’s it,” Bucky resigned quietly, finally making eye contact with Dr. Raynor again.

“I’m really sorry you feel that way, James. I bet it feels quite lonely to think that you don’t deserve to be liked or cared about by anyone.”

Bucky felt his eyes steam. It happened sometimes when Dr. Raynor touched on a hard truth. He wasn’t there yet, though. Letting himself cry. A few drops had seeped through the cracks, but the dam he had built since getting himself back was holding steady for now.

He sniffed before responding, urging the lump in his throat to retreat.

“I just… how could someone feel safe with me? Accept me… knowing all of that?”

“Well, like we’ve talked about in other sessions, that wasn’t you. I know it’s hard for you to accept and I understand why. But it's important I keep reiterating it. Why don’t we try looking at it from a new angle and see if this helps?”

Bucky nodded. As if I've got a choice.

“Great. Now imagine someone who’s been oppressed by their government and has had all of their freedoms taken away, including providing for their family. If they steal a loaf of bread to feed their starving children, do they deserve to go to jail?”

Bucky doesn’t even need to think about it. “No.”

“And if a child is held at gunpoint and told to shoot his pet dog or else his family would be killed, is he an animal killer?”

“Absolutely not.”

“So do you see that everything isn’t black or white? That in certain circumstances, under pressure, even when we know right from wrong, the lines are blurred?”

Bucky nodded.

“So can you then see how those lines are blurred even more when someone is brainwashed and trained to go against their conscience? When someone has their free will stripped from them?”

Bucky was silent for a long moment. He was conscious of the memories playing in the background of his mind as he processed what Dr. Raynor was asking him. Memories of missions as the Winter Soldier. But there was a new process happening that surprised him. It was faint at first, but he started seeing the person in the memories not as himself, but as someone else. Like a character in a brutal horror film. He was still affected by it, but when he looked at the emotions that were coming up, the guilt he normally felt was being overpowered by empathy for the killer.

“I can see what I said affected you. What’s happening for you right now? Where did you just go?”

“I, uh—” Bucky cleared his throat, willing his eyes to stay dry. “I can see it. I can see how I... he... had no choice. He was forced. I can see it.” Bucky felt his voice tremble and he closed his eyes, breathing deep through the epiphany he’d just had.

“This is huge, James. I’m really happy to hear that. I want you to try and remember those anecdotes whenever feelings of guilt or shame arise over what the Winter Soldier was tortured into doing. I know it won’t be easy, and some days it won’t work. But I’d like you to try. Do you think you can do that?”

“Yeah, I think so,” Bucky responded, opening his eyes and feeling lighter all of a sudden.

“Good. Well, that’s time for today. Good luck picking up your cat—though something tells me you won’t need it,” Dr. Raynor offered with a smile.

“Thanks, doc. For everything.”

“You’re very welcome, James. See you next week.”

***

For the first time since starting his sessions with Dr. Raynor, Bucky left her office with a smile on his face. He stopped at the florist stand he always walked past on his way home and bought a bouquet of daisies.

He practically ran up the three stories to your shared floor. His palms started sweating under his gloves the instant he knocked on your door.

A yawn escaped your mouth as you opened up. “Oh my gosh, hi. I’m so sorry. Oh wow, those are pretty. Got a big date lined up after this?”

Bucky chuckled, his nerves suddenly melting at your frantic style of talking and frank teasing. “Nah, I’ve just got this sweet neighbour who watched my cat for me and I wanted to thank them.”

Bucky noticed the grin creep across your face as you averted your gaze for an instant before reaching your hand out.

“Well c’mon in then. Let me get those in water. Al and I had just started Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind. You’re free to join us if you like.”

Bucky closed the door behind him and instinctively took off his shoes. He didn’t know what you were talking about, but he wasn’t about to turn down your invitation.

“What’s that?”

“Uhhh, Miyazaki? Hayao Miyazaki? Studio Ghibli? Anime?” You kept broadening your reference, looking increasingly more shocked when he didn’t recognize anything you were saying.

“Sorry, I lost a lot of time between now and the 40s. Not caught up on everything yet.” Bucky stopped himself suddenly. It was the first time he’d mentioned his past to anyone outside of Sam and Dr. Raynor.

“Right, oh my gosh that was so insensitive. I’m so sorry.”

Relief flooded through his veins. Dr. Raynor was right. You obviously knew who he was and clearly didn’t mind, seeing as how you'd just invited him into your apartment. In fact, you seemed almost, well, happy about it. “‘S’alright. Why don’t you enlighten me on this Miya… Miya… whatever it is.”

Bucky sat at your kitchen island as you explained your love for a specific type of animated film from a Japanese director, all while you arranged your daisies in a simple mason jar. He could get used to watching your eyes light up as you shared your passions with him.

“Ugh, I’m babbling,” you said suddenly, breaking his fixation.

“Not at all. I asked. Besides, I love hearing about this type of stuff. You don’t read about all these subcultures in the history briefings they gave me.”

“Yeah I bet. Well, we were more or less at the beginning. Wanna see what it’s all about?”

“Sure,” Bucky accepted. His cheeks were already hurting from smiling.

“Great. You drink tea? It’s mint. I made a pot already.”

“Yeah, that’d be great, thanks.”

“Gosh, I wish people still had those 1940s manners. Go make yourself comfortable on the couch.”

Bucky blushed at the complement as he sat beside Alpine, who was curled up and purring. “My ma raised me to always be polite.”

“Well, she did a good job,” you said, filling up a mug and handing it to him. “Ready?” you asked.

Bucky leaned back into your couch. It was a lot more comfortable than his own. “Ready.”

You pressed play and Bucky settled in for what would be the most incredible film experience he’d had in his life. He didn’t know animation could look like that. He vaguely remembered seeing a cartoon rabbit, but that was in black and white. He’d never seen anything like this. He was so enthralled that he didn’t notice you had fallen asleep until the end credits began to roll. All at once Bucky remembered you had just come back from work that morning. Nice going, Barnes, he thought guiltily.

You were stretched out on the chaise part of your l-couch, so he covered you with the blanket that was draped over the back of the sofa. You stirred slightly, rolling onto your side, but you were out cold. He scribbled a message in his notebook, quietly tearing it out and then folding it in half. He left it next to the teapot before scooping up Alpine, then did the same with his shoes before he snuck out of your apartment. He paused, realising he had no way to lock the door behind him. He’d stay in today and keep an ear on your door to make sure no one entered.

***

When you woke for your shift that evening, your eyes immediately fell on the note.

Thanks for watching Alpine. And for the culture lesson. I’d like to learn more if you’re open to teaching. -Bucky

-----ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ-----

Act III

[Two months later]

“I’m so excited for this one. It’s my go-to comfort film when I’m sick or feeling down. I mean, sure, it might not be the best one, but… I dunno, there’s just something about the story that I love. And we're watching it without subtitles this time because the voiceovers are THAT good.”

“Oh wow, isn’t that sacrilege?” You knew he was teasing you. Bucky’s lips always turned up on one side and he scrunched his nose making the corners of his eyes crinkle when he was teasing you.

“Nuh-uh, not for Howl’s Moving Castle. The voices are just so right for this one.”

“Whatever you say, sweetheart.”

Somewhere during the past few months the term of endearment had slipped out of Bucky’s mouth. You didn’t object and he kept on saying it. The way the nickname made your stomach perform backflips was almost unbearable. Almost.

Right from the beginning, the opening scenery of the castle moving through the fog had you swooning, as per usual. You leaned into Bucky’s shoulder and he immediately tucked you into his side.

That was also a new development you’d made together sometime during your previous movie night. The film on that night had been Spirited Away—you were taking Bucky through all the Miyazaki films in chronological order. The scene where Haku takes Chihiro to see her parents in the pigpen always got to you and you leaned into Bucky for comfort out of sheer instinct. He wrapped an arm around you, and you both stayed like that for the rest of the film.

Assuming the same position on this night, you exhaled, immediately relieved that he seemed open to it. You had agonised over the last movie night, worried that levelling up on the intimacy with Bucky had just been a one-off. Or that you’d scared him away by being too clingy? Affectionate? Too you? Well, all of those anxieties melted away as you felt his muscular hold around you tighten. Being that close, smelling him. It had you reeling like a hormone-filled teenager. I could get used to this, you thought as you relaxed into his warmth and settled your eyes back on the film.

About half way through through, something suddenly clicked in your mind. You’d never thought about it until now, but there were striking similarities between the lives of Bucky and Howl. Both were used as tools for political reasons that went against their values. Both seemed to believe they were monsters and struggled at accepting affection.

Not that Bucky had shared that with you in so many words. But through bits and pieces, you could easily glean he still felt shame about his past. You tried to show him that none of that mattered to you. You didn’t want him to think you pitied him either, but boy, did your heart hurt when you thought about everything he went through. All the history you had read. He had his life stolen from him, was tortured, and then plunked back into a completely different world. Twice, if you counted the blip. How was he still here, still fighting, still trying, and all with that wry sense of humour? You’d never fully understand, but you were grateful for it.

“How’re you liking it so far?” you asked softly, pausing the movie and pulling out from under Bucky’s arm. You wanted to check in without seeming like you were mother henning him.

“It’s really sweet. And the scenery is beautiful. I can see why you like this one the best.”

“Want a refill on your tea? Or I can get you a snack? Are you cold? I have more blankets—”

“Hey, what’s going on? You seem nervous.” He shifted his position so that you were facing each other.

You sighed seeing the concern ripple across his forehead, the thought hitting you like a ton of bricks: right, he’s a supersoldier, you can’t get anything past him.

“It’s just…”

“You can say it, sweetheart. I won’t be upset,” he assured as he took your hand. You were suddenly aware of the lack of gloves. Well that’s new. You stopped your brain from going down that corridor and refocused.

“It’s just, the rest of the movie gets a bit dark. And I forgot how much it surrounds the war and how Howl is forced to fight in a way that makes him feel like a monster and I—”

A gentle smile slowly bloomed on Bucky’s face. “You’re worried about me?”

Your cheeks warmed at the question. “Yeah,” you admitted.

“C’mere,” he whispered, opening his arm back up to you. “I promise if it’s too much I’ll tell you, ‘kay?”

“‘Kay,” you whispered back, resuming your previous position against his torso. Though this time, your hands were clasped. You felt him press his lips into the top of your head before he leaned his chin there. The backflips your stomach had done at the beginning started all over again, and you pressed play on the movie before you melted.

***

You were worried about him. You were worried about him. Bucky didn’t know what he was doing with you. It wasn’t like in the forties. Not by a long shot. Besides, those days of courting and going out dancing now floated around his brain like something he’d seen in a dream once but couldn’t decipher how any of it worked.

All he knew was he’d decided at the last second to not wear his gloves this time and when he took your hand with both of his, you didn’t flinch so he had to be doing something right.

Bucky didn’t let go of your hand the whole movie, except during one of the war scenes when his grip tightened enough that you had to gently ask him to loosen it. His stomach dropped at the thought that he had hurt you, but you assured him you were fine, wiggling your fingers in front of him as proof. With reluctance, he took your word for it. Though his guilt faded when you interlocked your fingers with his once more and leaned back into his chest and you started the film again.

You had been right. Something about the movie did finally get to him. Maybe it was how convinced Howl was that he would become the monster he hated. Maybe it was the fear that Sophie wouldn’t love him as he truly was. All he knew was that when Sophie told Howl to come find her in the future, disproving every worry Howl had, Bucky finally felt the dam crack. He tried to even his breathing. Tried to focus on something else. Anything else. Nothing stopped the constant steady stream of tears that began flowing down his cheeks. By the time the credits began to roll, Bucky couldn’t stop his body from shuddering with each stifled sob.

“Oh, James,” you consoled in a hushed voice, pulling him into a hug. The instant your arms were around him the entire structure snapped. The dam had broken completely and it all came rushing out. The guilt for every single person he’d killed. The grief for what he had been forced to do. The anger at HYDRA for taking away his choices and stealing his memories. The agony of losing his life. His family. Steve.

All of it gushed out of him in choked, heaving sobs, melting into a blubbering mess they way Howl melted when his hair colour potion was accidentally ruined.

The only tether to the present came from the comforting circles Bucky felt you rubbing between his shoulder blades. And your voice, offering him sweet assurances that helped ground him through the first real emotional release he had had in, well, maybe ever.

“You’re safe here. I've got you. Let it all out.”

Bucky was so grateful that you didn’t release your hold until his breathing evened out to the occasional hiccup. He was sure if you had let go even a minute sooner, he might have been carried off in the flood of his own tears, pulled under the waves, never to surface again.

When you told him you were just going to get him some tissues and a glass of water, he felt himself nod as he wiped his face with his sleeve.

Bucky gratefully accepted the tissues first before the water when you returned. He suddenly became acutely aware of the episode he’d just had in your living room and was mortified.

“Ugh, thanks,” he replied sheepishly before turning away to blow his nose. Then he took the water, downing it in one go, desperately trying to calculate the best route out of this before you could reject him. It was inevitable. There was no way you would want to continue spending time with him after witnessing this.

“Better?”

“Much,” he assured before releasing shaky sigh as he leaned back into your couch. “I’m really sorr—”

“Nope. You don’t get to finish that sentence.”

Bucky was jolted by your bluntness, and it shocked him out of his self-doubt spiral. Were you angry? He was expecting you to call it a night, maybe make an excuse about having to work, then simply stop inviting him over. But anger?

��Listen to me,” you directed with a firm tone, taking both his hands and making sure you had his gaze before continuing. “You, James Buchanan Barnes, have absolutely nothing to be sorry about. This world has done nothing but shit on you and yet here you are feeling like you’re not even allowed to be sad sometimes. That’s fucking bullshit and I refuse to let you apologize for having emotions. You got that?”

Bucky smiled at how wrong he had been before wiping another rogue tear from his eye. He had no idea what he had done to deserve your protective kindness, but he wasn’t about to refuse it.

“Got it.”

“Okay then, I’m glad that’s settled.”

Bucky laughed, a full and hearty laugh at that. Gosh, you were something else.

“What? I wasn’t joking!”

“I know, sweetheart, I know,” he said, still chuckling. You accepted him. You accepted him. All of him.

“Then what’s so funny?”

He loved when you got that confused, almost annoyed look on your face.

“Nothin’. Just you. It’s endearing how passionate you get.”

“Oh, I’m endearing am I?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Hmmmm, well I’m glad someone thinks so. Usually my “passion” is too much for most people.”

“Now that I refuse to believe.” Bucky’s chest tightened at the thought of anyone not loving everything about you, and he squeezed your hand to emphasise his sentiments.

“It’s okay. I keep a pretty rough work schedule that’s never aligned with most people. The loner life suits me fine. Though, I’ll admit it has been nice having someone to share my time with these past few months.”

Bucky felt his heart clench as you pulled your hand away from his grasp after that confession.

“Hey, no,” he objected at the loss of contact, tugging your hand back. “Please don't pull away. I’ve really enjoyed whatever this is too.”

“Yeah?” you asked him. Your eyes were desperately searching his for assurance. Gosh, he’d get lost in your gaze if he wasn’t careful.

“Yeah,” he assured, slowly leaning towards you. This is it, Barnes. Now’s your chance.

Bucky’s phone rang, startling them both.

“Shit,” he muttered as he flipped it open. He watched your face change as Sam rattled off logistics and coordinates and timelines. He hated that he was the reason for the sudden look of disappointment on your face.

“You have to go, don’t you,” you asked when he closed the phone.

“Yeah. Probably for a while this time. I hate to ask, but—”

“James, please, you don’t even need to ask anymore. Of course I’ll watch Alpine. He and I are best buds now,” you said, petting the purring fluff ball that was curled up on your side of the couch.

“I’ll come back in a few and give you a spare a set of keys so you can grab all of his food and toys.”

“You’re… you’re leaving right away?” you asked with a surprised tone.

“Yeah, sorry. I…” he sighed before continuing, “It’s part of the job.”

His heart sank at the hint of sadness in your voice. How would this ever work? How could he do this to you every time he had to go on a mission? There’s no way you would ever be ok with this.

“No, don’t apologise. I was more worried about you having to go straight to work after that. But I get it, trust me. I know I’m nothing like a superhero, but working in a hospital I do understand urgency.”

“You’re a superhero to me, sweetheart,” he said, holding onto that thin thread of hope that maybe you really could accept him as he was, supersoldier job and all.

Bucky felt a sudden rush of adrenaline. Leaning in, he placed a tender kiss on your cheek, memorising the scent of your shampoo, the softness of your skin beneath his lips, the way your breath hitched at the contact. He locked those memories away where no one would ever get them before pushing himself up off the couch.

“Just come back in one piece, okay?” you ordered, looking into his eyes for assurance.

“Always do,” he offered. Whether it was for you or himself, he couldn’t say.

-----ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ-----

Act IV

[Two weeks later]

“This is not one piece, Bucky.”

Your neighbour had returned, bloody, bruised, and barely standing.

“‘S fine. I’m fine. Supersoldier, remember?” he asked, twisting his vibranium arm in the air to emphasise his point. “I’ll heal in no time.”

You were not convinced, nor comforted. “This is… fuck, Bucky. I see a lot of wounds in emerg, but this is bad.”

He winced as you passed yet another alcohol wipe over a particularly deep gash running from the middle of his forehead down to his temple. “This one needs stitches.”

“Whatever you say, nurse.”

You squinted your eyes together, sending him a disapproving glare at his attempt to lighten the situation.

“Sweetheart, please stop worrying. It’s part of the job. I’ve had worse.”

“Worse?! What do you… no, that’s not what this is about.” You exhaled in a frustrated huff, “I can’t do this right now.”

“Do what?” His teasing grin softened as he pulled your hands down from treating his forehead and into his lap. “Tell me what’s going on in that pretty head of yours?”

“You!”

He jumped a bit at your sudden exclamation. You took a deep breath and exhaled slowly before finding your words again.

“Bucky, I saw the news. I saw what you and Sam were up against. You… you could have died.” You felt your breath catch in your throat. “And then Alpine and I would be…” you couldn’t bring yourself to say it. Another word and you would fall apart.

“If something happened, I know Alpine would be fine with you.”

“Alpine?! What?” Was he seriously making light of this right now? “Bucky, do you see yourself? This isn’t a fucking joke.”

“I know, you’re right. I’m sorry.” He tried to bring your hand up to his lips, but you pulled yourself from his grip before he had the chance.

“No more talking until I’m done,” you ordered as you disinfected your hands again to pick up where you left off.

You couldn’t bear any more placating. You were seething. How could he find humour in leaving you? Bucky coming into your life had been the best thing that had ever happened to you. You finally found someone that saw you, that understood you, that seemed to truly like you for you, flaws and all. How could he joke about leaving you alone again?

Then it hit you. You weren’t really together. Sure you were friends. Maybe closer than that. But you’d never moved passed the cuddling stage. Maybe he just didn’t think of you in that way.

You felt a tear stream down your cheek as you tied the final stitch.

“There. The rest will clean off fine in a hot shower. I think I should go.”

“Hold on a second.” He grabbed your hand again, this time he wasn’t grinning. “I’m really sorry, I know this looks bad but—”

“No. I really can’t do this right now.” You tugged your hand free and got up from the makeshift nursing station you had laid out on his kitchen table. Then you took a deep breath before saying making your case, “You know, Alpine’s not the only one that would care if you didn’t come back.”

You turned on your heels and rushed out of his apartment before you broke down.

***

“Well, I really fucked that up didn’t I, Al?”

The cat responded with a single low mewl before jumping down from the chair next to where you had been sitting to go curl up on the sofa.

Bucky had assumed you would be fine seeing him banged up considering how often you encountered injuries and blood at work. Sure, he was a little more broken than usual after a mission, but he figured you’d just be happy to see him. He had completely misread the situation and now you were clearly upset.

He took his time showering, letting the hot water soothe his aching muscles as he figured out the best way to finally confess how he felt about you. To make you understand that losing you—not coming back to you—that it wasn’t an option for him.

When he told Dr. Raynor how every time he tried to tell you how he felt that the words simply vanished, she suggested writing you a letter. He’d passed it off as old fashioned at the time, something that past Bucky might have done. He was trying to let his old self go, accept himself as he was now. Modern Bucky. Whoever that was.

But as he stood in the shower, hot water raining down on him, remembering the hurt in your eyes as you more or less told him how you cared about him, he knew it was the only way he could ever fully communicate exactly how much he had fallen in love with you over these past few months.

Once he was dry and dressed, Bucky rummaged through the box of files and papers S.H.I.E.L.D. had given him after he received his pardon. He found the notepad and pen that he knew was buried somewhere amongst the folders. Then pushing all the wound care supplies to one side of the table, he sat down and started writing. The words flowed without another thought and he didn’t stop until he’d signed his name at the bottom.

***

Your sobs finally slowed to the occasional hiccup. You took some deep breaths then made your way out to the kitchen for water. It wasn’t until you’d downed a glass and were turning off the lights before crawling back into bed that you noticed it. The white envelope, resting on the hardwood a few inches from your front door.

Bucky, you thought. You smiled a little, suddenly feeling sheepish at the tantrum you threw. You knew he cared about you. You felt it in the way he squeezed your hand. The way he tucked you under his arm during movies. When he had pressed his lips to your cheek the night he’d left on the mission.

You leaned down to pick up the envelope, then settled into the couch to read its contents.

Y/n,

I need to apologise. And before your brain tries to deny me of that need, please just hear me out.

I’m sorry for making you think that it didn’t matter if I came back.

I want to be honest, there was a time not that long ago when that would have been true. I would go on missions as a penance. Trying to make up for all of the bloodshed that I caused as the Winter Soldier. But I know now that it wasn’t my fault. That I don’t deserve to keep punishing myself for crimes that I had no choice in committing. The reality of it is punishment enough–something I can now accept I didn’t deserve.

But it happened. And I can’t change that. I can’t change my past or who I am today as a result. I won’t ever be able to be a regular citizen in society. I will always be connected to that life in some way because it’s what I know. But I also know a lot more now. I’ve read things and experienced things that have made me see life differently.

And so much of that is thanks to you.

Now when I go on missions, it’s not as penance but an opportunity to do something good. Not just to be better for me or for others, but to be better for you. And I’ve never felt that before, about someone else, but something about you makes me want to feel like that.

You’re the sun pushing its way between cracks in the rain clouds, casting your rays through my past and lighting up a rainbow, bringing colours into my life that I didn’t know existed until now. Until you.

I’ve fallen in love with your smile and your laughter. With the way your eyes light up when you talk about your favourite film or a new song you want to show me. With your compassionate heart and the way you always accept others as they are, no matter what they’ve come from.

I’ve fallen in love with you.

I’ll understand if you don’t feel the same, but I couldn’t bear you not knowing how much you mean to me. How I promise not to leave you alone with Alpine—I promise to come back to you. Every time. No matter how long it takes. If you’ll have me.

With love,

Your James

The waterworks were back in full force as you pressed the letter to your chest. But this time they were happy tears. Tears of gratitude. Tears from being overwhelmed with love for your neighbour. For the man who had been put through so much. Yet, despite it all, still wanted to find beauty in the world. Wanted to find a reason to be good. And the reason he had chosen was you.

On instinct, you rushed out your apartment door and began knocking frantically on Bucky’s.

The second it opened, your mouth crashed into his with such force you nearly knocked him over.

It was passionate and needy, your arms wrapping around his neck as you felt both his palms cup your cheeks, one hard one soft. The sensation gave you goosebumps. Your lips explored each other from every angle, making sure every supple edge was surveyed. Your tongues danced ever so softly in the background until you both finally came up for air.

“Is it fair to say that you read the letter and that this means ‘yes’?” he asked as he pressed his forehead into yours. His pupils were blown wide as you gazed into the ocean of his eyes.

“Yes, James. I’ll have you. All of you. If you’ll have me?”

“One hundred times, yes. God, I love you,” he muttered, pressing his lips into your forehead before pulling you into his arms.

“I love you too,” you whispered into his chest, breathing in his scent. This was real. He was real.

Suddenly a slew of chirps erupted from Alpine as the cat weaved its way through both of your legs.

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say he was gloating,” Bucky chuckled.

“Hmmm, well he is the reason we’re here.”

“Maybe it was his plan all along. To bring me to you.”

“If it was, well then I owe him a thank you.” You tilted your head down towards the white feline still prancing around you both. “Thanks, Al, for bringing me my James.” Your voice was barely above a whisper, as if the words were only intended for the cat. But Bucky heard you loud and clear.

“I am yours, for as long as you’ll have me,” Bucky confirmed softly, the warmth of it heating every inch of your being. The beating of his heart echoing in your ear was all you needed to know he meant every word.

la fin

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littleeyesofpallas · 2 years ago

Text

Bleach’s Issue with Queer characters (2/3)

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Dordonii might seem like a weird one to point out here, compared to some of the more overt examples, but I think he had a fairly evident queer codedness to him. His more overwhelming quality was his kind of Spanish flair, what with the tap shoes and Flamenco-esque poses and gestures, the devil horns in his greased hair and on his mask shard, and his little Mephistopheles mustache and beard. But the ear ring, and Flamenco adjacent sex appeal mixed with the way he kind of baby talks Ichigo strikes me as contributing to a certain daddy-ish gay character type. Also, I’ve never been 100% sure that it’s not just crosshatching, but I’ve always read it as some chest hair peaking out from his low v-neck. But I feel like that assessment needs some qualifying context...

Western sensibilities tend to read effeminate features on men as a chief indicator of homosexuality, Japan has never been quite as narrowly focused with its own gay stereotypes. There is definitely a particular character type in anime and manga that pins the preening vanity of smooth faced and long haired effeminate men on homosexuality, but it’s not really the go-to. Tracing back to media trends of the 1970s the long haired, smooth chested pretty boy (even the gay ones) very much became the domain of female audiences and creators, where as the prevailing trends of gay portrayals by and for men actually settled more firmly on the hairy and muscular image that bara is associated with now. I'm not about to do a whole big breakdown of the japanese gay subculture behind the bara thing, because that deserves more time and attentio that i can give it here, but you've got a keyword to work with now, so I encourage you to do a little googling yourself.

Also he has his right ear is pierced? I don't know if this was ever a thing in Japan, but in America it became kind of a wide spread myth(?) Originally it actually was a functioning kind of code within the queer community in the 1960s and 70s, but after it became somewhat more generally well known the practice more or less stopped, for pretty obvious practical reasons... but weirdly enough by the sheer power of stupid homophobia, straight people continued to scrutinize and be paranoid of men with pierced ears for decades following. Again, though, I have no idea if either the original intent or the misinformation of that trend was ever anything that had any kind of Japanese presence...

Anyway... What I’m getting at is Dordonii feels very queer coded to me, just not in ways that everyone picks up on. But speaking of muscular hairy gays... Let’s talk about an elephant in the room:

Charlotte Chuhlhourne:

Obviously, Kubo doesn’t quite have the tact to make use of queer identities in a totally respectful way, so it’s hard to tell how much is attributable to Kubo making a character exactly as they appear, and what could be argued to be a character’s theoretical self-identifying terms filtered through Kubo’s limited vernacular. But the word to know here is Okama[オカマ], which has traditionally referred to gay, AMAB transvestites. Obvious stumbling point here is that prior to more widely codified and accepted trans identities this term applied to both transwoman and drag queens.

Granted until fairly recently(by which I mean within the relatively short spand my own lifetime) even the queer community at large didn’t always differentiate the two very well; presentation was presentation, the circumstances for it and the specificities of achieving it were personal choices, not taxonomical crossroads; some moonlit as queens and that was it, others would’ve lived as women and never walked a show in their life if that had been a practical option, others still were happily gender fluid, but the scene had one look and one label. We made due with what we had.

Anyway... point being that Charlotte’s character is specifically a play into an Okama stereotype. That is to say, the archetypal look of Okama in Japanese media for many years has been a middle aged, square jawed, often broad or even muscular, drag queen. Although Charlotte doesn’t actually have one, they are also frequently shown with a muzzle of stubble growing in. Despite what you might think about jabs at the beard as a masculine feature betraying their feminine presentation, it’s actually not (usually) the reason...

The image comes out of Japan’s gay bar scene --in Tokyo, Shinjuku-Nichoume in particular-- which has long been a cultural centerpiece of Japan’s gay culture. The larger Shinjuku ward as as whole is itself a commercial district. So, to the general public who didn’t have any interaction with gay culture itself, the small glimpse they had was from the crossing paths of salarymen commuting into work as straggler okama headed home from the bars the morning after, still in drag and makeup but with unshaven stubble growing in after a long night.

(Also, just a side note on this, but if you’ve ever seen an older (usually bigger) woman with a deep, brassy voice in kind of sultry night attire at a bar referred to as “Mama,” it’s because that’s the owner of a okama bar. She’s not literally anyone’s mother, she’s the defacto den-mother of sorts for the patrons of her bar.)

It’s still definitely not a flattering portrayal, but it’s one with a very specific history that doesn’t communicate to Western audiences at all. But there is a certain strangeness to how the Japanese handle this, comparatively. While Western rhetoric has its hangups with moralist preaching and bitching and moaning about “degeneracy” and “deviancy,” those judgments just aren’t baked into Japanese culture in quite the same way. In fact, while most of these okama caricatures by and for cishetero creators/audiences are definitely not what anyone would call “good” representation, they do lack a certain expected malice. Sure, flamboyant bafoonery is a constant in exploitation of gay culture on either side of the Pacific, but where as the West uses this as a means to disarm gay men --to make them non threatening, or to rationalize not taking them seriously-- anime manga and even videogames tend to fixate on the curiosity of it.

(although one enduring, generally positive case of this that actually seems to fly super under western audience’s radars are the great fairys in Zelda. which have maintained their extremely obvious dragqueen inspired look since OoT)

One of the first encounters with the okama charactertype that I only learned to identify looooong after the fact is the Magypsies in the Mother series. On the one hand they were treated as a bizarre spectacle and literally not human, but they were magical and benevolent and a little comical but not in the way where they were relegated to being the punchline of a joke and nothing else. And I've found over the years that that tends to be the tone of these kinds of characters.

Another very similar case of this is Ivankov in One Piece, the Kamabakka kingdom Okama and Newkama, including Bonclay/Mr.2. (His "okama way" gimmick being a play on the hardboiled gritty actionhero cliche of a "man's way.") Where on the one hand, it’s a disgusting, tacky use of the familiar okama cliches, but also their very existence as okama is painted as the basis of their unique form of super power? Really, it’s just so wildly divorced from reality that it’s hard to even call it “representation,” harmful or otherwise... Still, in impossibly poor taste based on optics alone, though.

This all is not to try and sweep under the rug that these are still ultimately problematic stereotypes and caricatures to have to debrief each new generation of viewer on just to avoid the slippery slope of total misinterpretation, but I've noticed that there is a distinct difference in how that tone is read. The overwhelming attitude I see from these creators is that these long standing cliches are how okama look and act, but that it makes them interesting or funny, and yes “other,” but rarely lesser. Obviously that's still rooted deeply in ignorance on part of these non-queer creators, but you can see how it lacks the teeth that the western equivalent has, where such caricatures are explicitly there to defame and demonize, and I think that’s an important distinction to make.

(And let’s not even get into the issue of fake “woke” white people struggling to wrap their tiny brains around the idea of another culture by framing it as that culture’s unique idiosyncrasies as if they’re just failed attempts at conforming to white anglo-centric western values, because THAT is a whole other can of worms...)

To maybe put this into some better perspective here, Tier Harribel has blond hair and tan skin, and given what the Arrancar are and how they live she is presumably naturally dark skinned, and naturally blonde. But her design is clearly based on gyaru/gal (or possibly ganguro) fashion, which makes use of fake tans and bleached hair. She looks the way she does because she's made to look like that aesthetic, but looking the way she doesn't doesn't imply she bleaches and tans.

That same relationship of image inspiring image while being divorced from meaning is just kind of how Kubo makes these kinds of aesthetic decisions, all across the board, problematic or not. But of course no one really cares about it when it’s a weird recontextualization of the gal aesthetic because no one’s offended on their behalf.

And in general, I think a lot of these things are just so outside the Western perspective that even when they definitely are problematic, some people can’t even begin to grasp what about it is, and end up fabricating just nonsense arguments against it to rationalize a kneejerk kind of discomfort and confusion over the subject...

Anyway... having said all that, the next one actually IS a huge problem...

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#bleach meta #bleach #KUBO TITE #Dordoni Alessandro Del Socaccio #Charlotte Chuhlhourne #now that its posted #the more i look over this the more i want to edit it #but if i start it'll quickly become just a totally different post #its not even that im looking to correct the basic points being made #so much as i just hate the voice #but then thats always my beef with my own writing #i really hate the way i worded the whole okama bit though #it feels like it doesnt really get the point across #oh well....

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