#energy drinks put me in that state when im in a really nice mood

[unusualshrimp]

[shotosprincess]

BAKUGO SCREAMING AND IZUKU

( ˘ ³˘)♥︎ AAAA HIII TYSM FOR REPLYING TO THE BNHA PLAYLIST THINGY FOR FICS I LOVE YOU MWAHMWAH

anyways aaa bet !! ill do midoriya first if you don’t mind bc im currently in such a soft mood and hajdjj i just love him sm :((

— 𝙠𝙞𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙨𝙘𝙖𝙧𝙨 𝙤𝙣 𝙤𝙣 𝙞𝙯𝙪𝙠𝙪 𝙢𝙞𝙙𝙤𝙧𝙞𝙮𝙖’𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙢𝙨

inspired by this playlist by nimbus on yt !! pls check them out ansjdjf their playlists r heaven ^^

❝ you never truly understood that about him, the way he continued to put himself through the pain, to push himself, even, past his limits and then some—

plus ultra. and now his arms were all but littered with rough scars of diluted white and blunt tan. ❞

notes ! gender neutral! reader,, best friends to lovers au ,, 2nd person pov

summary: in which your best friend deku shows up at your dorm late at night due to kacchan locking him out. he asks for bandages to stabilize his newly-healed scars, and you ask to kiss them.

genre: fluff !! <33

it went without a doubt that deku had been to recovery girls’ office more times than anyone else at the academy. it hurt, honestly; each time you saw his still-healing figure emerge from the little swing of her door, a sharp pang reverberated starkly through your chest, for though the freshly-scarred over wounds didn’t diminish his beauty in the slightest, you simply couldn’t deny that an empty eddy of sadness settled in you whenever he was in such a state.

and unfortunately for you, he was constantly in it.

his body could only take so much. and he was still so young too—the very same held true for your heart.

it’s been that way ever since the two of you had first entered ua as shining, eager students. though in all fairness you had to admit, he was...different from the very beginning. even as the prelude to his eventual rising and growth in his quirk, he had shone with a certain unmatched brilliance ever since the entrance exams. and over the years you spent together, you had watched him persevere so passionately towards the glow of his ultimate goal; to be a hero who can help others. little did he know just how much he already had. he had always been so excruciatingly oblivious and aloof to even the evidence and affects of his own kindness, and you hated the fact that so many tended to take advantage of it. of him.

though, of course, this did not mean that he was weak in any form. no, if anything he was quite the polar opposite—he had proved it time and time again, and yet it didn’t mean that he couldn’t get hurt too. the dull aching of tiredness ringing in his eyes, the one he tries to desperately to mask, the ragged marks scattered across the pale valleys of his once-scar-barren skin; he wasn’t immune to pain, to injury. and yet, he fought. you never truly understood that about him, the way he continued to put himself through the pain, to push himself, even, past his limits and then some—

plus ultra. and now his arms were all but littered with rough scars of diluted white and blunt tan.

nevertheless, truth be told, you actually admired it a great deal. his sheer determination, the purity of his motives, it was more than laudable. despite all of it, you truly couldn’t help but feel this...magnetic urge to help him. protect him. if you could soothe the pain in any way, even if it would be but a temporary relief—

three knocks clack on the door.

you and izuku’s secret door code—just a silly little something the two of you made up a few months after the dorm system had been put into motion, and all so you could sneak out to the grass-flooded yards of the building and train together.

naturally, you open the door.

“ heyyy there you are! “

your head perks up at the cheery jingling of his voice, all drafts of exhaustion and sleep deprivation washing away almost instantaneously. he might as well be the very personification of caffeine at that point, despite how direly he needed it himself.

the starry shine of his eyes meets with yours as a diluted sanguine seeped colour into his face. he turns his head away awkwardly.

you lean against the doorframe, smiling at him. “ deku...you didn’t tell me we’d be training today. plus it’s a little late right now, don’t you think? i’m already in my pajamas. “

“ yeah, um, sorry about that. kacchan...kinda locked me out. “

“ he what? “

“ he locked me out. “

“ how does that even—don’t you have separate rooms? “

“ well, yeah, but we were racing down the halls after glass today and he...got to my room before i could. well, honestly i have no clue what he’s doing over there. “ he laughs, rubbing the back of his neck.

“ oookay then. little concerning, i won’t lie. “ your shoulders lift in a shrug, arms crossing in front of your chest as your shy laugh matches his.

“ so i was wondering if...you know...i could maybe stay here for a bit? “ his voice wavers subtly, though you’re quick to catch it. the tips of his ears flush with a deepened pink.

you can’t help but silently gush about how cute he looked.

you’re quick to snap out of that too. eyes bursting open with a brilliant shock, you notice he’s fiddling nervously with his fingers as you remain absolutely, positively frozen in place.

“ i’m—what? “

his countenance immediately shifts to one of sheer embarrassment. flustered, he begins to frantically wave his hands in front of him, as if to put some sort of considerable distance between his panicking self and your seemingly-composed demeanour. and as if that would do anything to deescalate the tension which was only progressively building between your equally-timid selves at this moment.

“ ohmygod i didn’t mean it in a weird way or anything! i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’ll just—i’ll just go— “

you slide against the wood a little bit, pushing your weight against the slightly-agape door, so it swung open even further to reveal the, admittedly, fairly-messy state of your room. draped carelessly on the side of your bed, a sweater you had taken off earlier because the temperature of your room had suddenly decided to heat up an unreasonable amount. countable cups holding shallow pools of hour-old drinks scattered throughout nearly every shelf. a creased textbook splayed out, cover up on your desk.

yep. definitely looked like someone’s lived here.

“ i mean...you could come in if you want. no one’s stopping you. it’s a little messy though, i haven’t found much time to properly clean it yet, with exams coming soon and stuff. “ a small smile accompanies your growing blush, despite how much you were trying to play it off as nonchalantly as possible.

psh, right. as if letting him in your room—something you had never done prior in the history of your friendship—wasn’t a big deal in the slightest.

his eyes shoot wide as his arms flail about. you have to keep yourself from laughing at his silliness.

“ uhm, i mean...only if that’s okay with you! “

“ yeah, yeah, of course! you need a place to stay for now, after all. who knows when bakugou’s gonna let you back in? “

“ yeah, i guess you’re right. well, i mean, if you really don’t mind— “

you playfully roll your eyes, giggling as you shove him into your room.

“ oh, quit it with the politeness. you’re too nice, you know that? “

“ too...nice? “

“ too nice. “ you reiterate, giving his shoulders a little squeeze.

his head lolls to the side as he carefully lowers himself onto your bed, his sweater shifting with the subtle movement.

for a few moments, the space between you is occupied with a simple, comfortable silence. it’s refreshing, really. a welcome difference from all the boisterousness of the academy. you loved the action and everyone’s energy, of course, but sometimes what you really needed was really just a simple break from everything. to do nothing but exist for a little while, to simply be without the constant pressure of having to get up and jump into action all the time. just for a few moments. and so you relished in these said moments spent with him, for who knows when the next time you could ever be with him like this again would be?

and then his voice fills that void of silence, but you’re not disappointed in the slightest.

“ hey. “

“ yeah? “

“ you don’t happen to have any extra bandages, do you? “

“ bandages? for what? “

he clenches his fist, flexing the muscles in his arm. “ for...stability. just in case. i can’t afford for my arms to get hurt more. “

“ oh. well, uhm...i think i have a few spares in my drawer! “ you push yourself off the bed, leaving the comfort the soft sheets brought about, pulling open a tiny drawer. taking out a transparent box of bandages, you jump back onto the plushness, sitting cross-legged directly across from midoriya, who’s already presenting his arm.

your lips silently part as your fingers wrap themselves around the thick ivory fabrics of bandage, rolling them around so you could wrap them around him.

another pause of wordless silence falls.

“ hey deku? “

“ yeah? “

“ could i...could i kiss your scars? “ you whisper, afraid that he’d get mad, though you knew he was anything but the type to do such a thing.

the meadow depths of his eyes kindle a cozy hearth within you as his initial surprise quickly softens, melting away into what could only be described as the most endearing smile to exist.

“ sure. “

jagged patches and uneven streaks of faded cloud white and prominent earthy tans decorate his arms, and you can’t help but bring the rosiness of your lips to meet them. you decide begin with the ones littered along his fingers.

one kiss for the scar resting within the curved dip between his thumb and index.

“ for every time you used just a flick of your fingers to defend everyone back then, when you didn’t even have full control over your quirk. “

a longing sigh leaves him as he reminisces briefly on the memory. you place a soft kiss upon the scar resting at the side of his pinky.

“ for every fist you made with this hand, for every punch you’ve delivered in the name of other’s safety. “

a drop splashed onto his arm, trickling down and tainting the scars etched into his forearm with a subtle, diaphanous sheen. you look up through your lashes, and a prominent gloss coats the kindness of his dark emeralds. your hand comes up to carefully caress his cheek, cupping it gently as the pad of your thumb swipes beneath his eye, wiping away the upcoming tear. your features are knitted together in concern.

“ are you okay? i can stop if you want me to— “

he takes your hand in both of his, squeezing as if to keep you there forever. “ no, don’t. please.“

it’s a tiny whisper, a softened plea into the dark quiet of the night, as if he were ashamed for wanting to be taken care of. your brows curve downward as you pull your twined hands to your lips, tenderly planting your lips where your skin kissed his.

“ hey, hey. it’s okay. it’s okay. “ you hush him, running your free hand through his thick tendrils of vivid, verdant green.

he leans into your touch, nodding at you as if to urge you to continue, which you gladly accept.

you shift a little closer to him, kissing the thick mark of serration painted into the skin of his wrist.

“ for every countless moment you’ve sacrificed for your dream. “

another kiss to the one just above it.

“ for every hour bled into the night that you spent helping me train. “

your fingers dance along his arm, finally stopping at the scar stretching from his elbow and dragging upwards. as per routine, your lips come down to delicately kiss it.

“ for every ‘ plus ultra! ‘ you’ve ever passionately shouted. “

little giggles left the both of you at that.

your touch trails to the scar just beside it, kissing it as well.

“ for every life you’ve ever saved. “

you look him in the eye. holding his arm like this, you were so close to him. and yet, you didn’t want to pull away. if anything, it was the very last thing you would ever want to do. he matched your stare, a certain sense of longing displaying in your gaze as it reflects off of his. the prolonged stare lasts longer than it probably should, longer than what best friends should probably look at each other this closely, this intimately for. the moonlight dimly shines through your window.

and then it happens.

his lips collide with yours in a captivating symphony, hands going straight to twirl through the locks of your hair as you wrap yours in a loose loop around his neck. everything feels as though it had all snapped into place, and the tension you had felt before was all completely dissipated now, displaced into the passion in which this kiss exuded. it was earth-shattering, galaxy-shredding. it felt as if even pain itself could never reach either of you, not in this moment.

this moment was for the both of you, and no one else. in this moment, in his arms, nothing and no one could hurt you.

he pulls away, stunned, lips parted with a saturated red. you stare at him with just about the same level of blankness, of utter shock at what you two had just done.

but then the realization catches up with him, and he is pulled out of the daze. much to your surprise, he doesn’t move away. if anything, he pulls you closer, enveloping both your hands within his just as he did before.

and just as you had done earlier, he brings them to his lips.

“ and that’s for every ‘ i love you ‘ i’ve ever wanted to say to you but never had the guts to. “

[anteroom-of-death]

Life, For Dummies p6

a/n: so the words just flew out and boy. much thanks to all who read and commented and reblogged/liked! im sorry ahead of time! it will get uptempo again.optimism, babes.

You stood in the console room in wait, you had no clue the punishment that lay waiting. You didn’t know what was going to happen and that was worse than knowing. There had to be worse consequences for a consummate freak out that bordered on betrayal. 

For a snap you thought of just reverting back to being her companion just to smooth things over. To stop all the madness that was bound to ensue. But you didn’t. You held your ground, despite having to run away. 

You shivered involuntarily. You felt like a freezer that happened to be left open all night. You let yourself be crippled by everything. Seeing them left you blindsided, if you were a quarterback it’d have been a sack at the tenth yard line. 

Did that make the Master the coach?

You ended up stripping off your blazer and leaning over the console, mildly hyperventilating. Your arms glistening with sweat in the ambient lights. 

The door swung open and you hunched up. Jaw clenched your ringing in your ear came back, drowning all else out. 

You swore he was speaking but your mind was so swirled with thoughts and crackles and the persistent ring you ended up trying, “Get on with it, punish me. Kill me. You know I’m no good to you now.” but it came out garbled, as if you suffered a stroke. 

Maybe you did. 

You started a brief list of stroke symptoms but decided, was no use. If he was going to do what you thought, he’d probably use your own laser screwdriver against you. 

You suddenly remembered ages ago yourself in a similar situation. You disrespected him. You’d’ve done it three times now. 

If going by the sudden need for sports metaphors you were currently riding, third strike- you’re out. 

He wasn’t doing anything and that drove you absolutely insane. Clutching your sides, you spun around and met his eyes. Those eyes, so large and so beautiful and emotive were virtually unreadable. Your vision was getting blurry and your eyes started stinging. You were aghast with the day. It was a simple scheme. How could it go so wrong. You had heartburn. The acid was rising in your stomach and you tried to not hurl. The anticipation was getting to you on all levels. 

You elected to allow yourself to black out. You were headed that way, so you just gave into it without a fight. 

When you came to, you found yourself at your house, on your couch. Your favorite mug with your favorite tea blend was waiting for you and across the room leaning on your wall was him.

The Master. Your Master.

“Nice touch, passing out. Noble even.” His eyes yet again unreadable voids. 

Your head pounded and the back of your skull was a dull pain. 

You did notice and take appreciation from the pillows cupping you and your feet up.

“We need to talk.” His voice was just as unreadable as his eyes. The sentence flooded your throat and dropped into your stomach. You clenched your eyes and relaxed your jaw as you brought yourself up and cupped the mug gingerly. 

“Thank you.” You gave him a meager smile in genuine thanks. 

“Don’t think of it.” He waved it off.

He was uncharacteristically devoid of emotion or passion. Stoic. 

You took a few sips, letting the warmth and the taste give you strength and some comfort. You had lots of experience where this was going. Why fight it? He was an ageless alien and you were a human. The fact that he gave you all you got was phenomenal. 

You could feel your heart stop when you put it down. The silence was starting to get to you.

“I need some time.” He murmured, voice silky. 

“How long?” You hoarsely whispered. 

“No clue. I just need to process this.” 

What was processing time? Feasibly for him? You could be just here for a few moments and he could have taken centuries. Or he could have taken a day or 36 hours and you could already be dead. 

Maybe he was just telling you this to shake you off and stop more damage. 

You wanted to fight him on it. But how? Your jaw unlocked and lay slack. 

“You have a concussion. I’ve dealt with the necessary care. I put some pills that’ll take a week to heal you up properly.” He pointed towards the vicinity of your bathroom before pushing off your wall and headed towards a curio cabinet you really didn’t notice until now. 

Obviously, more than a week.

“Text me?” You said.

“Maybe.” He looked at you, his eyes were big and seemed filled with nothing but agony and resolve. 

You swore you saw his mouth move and a whisper of something you couldn’t make out. A different language.

He stepped in and the curio cabinet vanished from your living room. 

You leaned back, the Fam mentioned that your place was dusty, but obviously he must have broken out the dust buster. That was sweet of him to take care of the place before you were unceremoniously dumped on your ass. You went for your neck. The collar that you usually stroked in times of stress was gone, along with him. 

What was the date? You had no clue. Days passed, flooding into weeks. This agony of not knowing outweighed anything. You vaguely remembered the Covid-19 “shelter at home” but that was truly another life entirely. 

Twenty-twenty passed on and you had to get a new job, but nothing seemed to take for you. You’d either get fired for lackadaise or not showing up or quit out of the blue because you felt deep down you deserved better. Dozens of civilizations across the stars probably still spoke of you in hushed tones as a haughty goddess, or Queen sent by the divine. 

The nights were the roughest. A few times the cops were called because you were wailing in your sleep. They soon just stopped coming, unless your neighbors just accepted it as the new normal. 

If you could joke, and if you were in a joking mood, you’d probably remark how this was just like Bella Swan in New Moon “sksksksksk jksk lol!” But you weren’t anymore. You weren’t in a joking mood no matter what at the time. 

Life, without the Master, simply wasn’t worth living.

How could you go back? After all those stars seen? People met? And emotions felt. 

You felt your heart harden and break. 

You half thought of trying to push through the pain and see if you could somehow contact him. At least see if he was okay. Especially since you overheard the news at a metal bar you started working at that some strange lights followed by a subsonic explosion happened in a small city far away and there were confusing footages being leaked on social media of Daleks and death. It went away in a day, but still. You swore you heard a TARDIS in a few of the Facebook Lives people did as they died.  People thought it was a hoax. People were so dumb.

It made you ache. 

Maybe it was the Doctor, or the Master convincing them to go destroy somewhere more important. 

It was more likely her. 

You didn’t know which one would be worse, just in case more footage was released and you saw a flash of a face. 

You broke again, dropping the heavy drink laden tray on the ground and locking yourself in the walk-in fridge. Rackus sobbing came out of your chest like a snarling animal. You had to get yourself together before you lost the only job you made good tips at. You knew it was purely because the uniform was trampy, and not your sparkling personality or wit. You placed your head between your thighs and screamed through it, trying to see if that would stop you from your tears. It was literally more time that had passed than you had actually ran away with him at this point. 

You should have moved on. If not moved on, repress it enough to worry any mental health specialist. This wasn’t like you.

So you tried therapy. 

The big mistake there was dumbing it down and humanizing the Master and the Doctor so you didn’t sound like you needed inpatient care or to go on some watchlist somewhere in the universe. Let alone your planet. 

Some people somewhere might want to abduct you and harvest your organs for the residual artron energy. That could be valuable on certain markets. 

Or your brainwaves. Some planets would pay rogue Time Agents to harvest them and the knowledge you knew and technology you learned.

You became more skittish when walking at night. You had gotten so used to just blasting anyone who’d try to wrong you with your screwdriver. It was a crutch you missed. Every moving shadow scared you.

You also had to consider someone, somewhere might be angry enough with him enough and see that his little human whore was no longer velcroed to his side and go look for you. Penance for his actions, delivered unto you.

Not like he would care, obviously he was far gone and far away.

Your manager came in and gave a quick look at the sight before him.

“Why are you in here? People at table 6 were complaining. Had to give them vouchers and comp their bill.”

You wiped your eyes and got out from your hutched state, “The news. So much death.” You snorted up the snot threatening to leak out. 

Strange cognitive dissonance coming from someone who aided in toppling empires and had a past of executing people.

It wasn’t that, but my goodness, you had to sell it. It was a human thing to say.

“Oh, wow. I’ll give you a minute, then get back to work.” He closed the door gently and let you be. 

You paced and paced and thought, “What would he do?” But all the answers involved space tech you didn’t have in a five by eight cooler. Or loud theatrics and sass. 

You had none of those. 

For the first time in a while, you went to your neck and rubbed at it, wishing you still belonged to him, and you knew what to do. Anger flooded through you and honestly, you didn’t know who it was directed at. The anger felt good. A blistering difference to the waves of agony and silence in you.

You bratted off and knocked down a row of premade salsas and stomped out before heading to table 6. 

“Oh, so you didn’t fancy me dropping the drinks? Or whatever? You were complaining about the shape of the wings earlier? Anything else, your highnesses,“ You false curtsied before straightening out and untying your apron and tossing it on the ground, “Anything?” You spat.

They recoiled. 

The paunchy middle aged man asked, “What the fucks your problem? Like, what do you want? Cause you’re definitely not getting a tip now?”

An idea shot into your brain, “What do I want?” You jabbed a finger at yourself, “I want you to kneel!” You pointed at him and made a vague “get down” gesture with your index finger. 

“Kneel?”

“Kneel!” You ordered, all the chutzpah of a former self radiating through. You tossed a glass at that man’s head. It was no laser to the stomach but would do the trick. “I said, kneel for me, love.” 

The blood streaming from his head as he obeyed you, his fatty neck blubbering in pain and tears streaming down his face filled you with nostalgia. It felt good to be in this position again. Someone obeying you, the fear in their eyes, the sense of power it gave you knowing that you held the keys to their fate in your hands. A small pool of wetness nearly started between your thighs. Power was just so good, and feeling the fear come to him? Icing on a perverse cake.

Him kneeling was almost as natural as it felt for you to kneel ages ago. A labored, pleased breath escaped your lungs as you smiled and let off a laugh.

You turned to your manager and gave a grimace, “I quit, I just can’t take the pressure, dock my pay for the damages. Bye.”

You grabbed your stuff from behind the bar and ran out again from yet another job. 

At the back of your brain, you knew that possibly you’d go to prison for this. You assaulted a man. Out here in the real world, not the magic little world of madness, assault meant fines, sharing a prison cell with someone called Big Irma, ugly orange jumpsuits and a permanent record. Something that would prevent you from life.

Not that you had a life anymore. 

You arrived home and finally allowed yourself to let out all the true amount of tears you felt. You fell asleep on the linoleum of your entrance hall waiting for the cops to show up and take you away.

You were out for over a day, you woke up so sore and dehydrated. 

But the brunt of your emotions, you felt were over. 

You knew you had to consolidate who you were, who you had been, and where you were now. Make yourself one person, not a section of phases altered by the presence of Time Lords. 

But who were you before you’d met the Doctor and been the Master’s? 

That was the hard part.

Jogging that memory up.

You massaged your temples and went over to chug water directly from the kitchen faucet.

A normal human just couldn’t force people to follow their every whim. Or flit from here or there. 

Well, unless they were a politician or born to extreme wealth. 

You needed to be able to hold down a job, you needed to move on. He wasn’t coming for you. You finally and truly got it through your thick, pathetic human skull…

You wiped the water off your face with your bare hands and ripped off the bar’s uniform. You hunched over in your kitchen and cursed the day you ever met either Time Lord. Cupping your face in your hand you let out another massive groan and shook yourself free.

Those topics were not to be verboten. 

You had a traitorous thought, unless you worked for a government organization or paramilitary that dealt with the extraterrestrial. The job prospects for that seemed slim. You were formally in league with them. People might argue a conflict of interests or claim you were a double or triple agent. There was no true way to prove to a stupid ape that, you, another stupid ape weren’t giving off trade Earth secrets to known enemies of the planet. The list of aliens on watchlists was getting larger in the 21st century by the day. The Master definitely had to be on at least most of them. If not all. Though, the money would be quite good…

It was thought.

You were Earth-bound and just had to reintegrate. There had to be some books you could read. Life, For Dummies? Men are from Gallifrey, Women are from Earth? Something, even an obnoxious celebrity and an ill-trained life coach making a podcast on how to cope with a break up. Something.There 

Easier said than done.

It had to be done, however how hard.

What a pity, what a sham.

To paraphrase a comic, you were young, shiney and dumb. Easy to fool. 

You felt yourself utter, “If I ever see you again, first I’m going to kiss you, then I’m going to kick your ass.”

You pulled yourself back from those unhealthy words and bit your tongue.

This was bound to be hard.

But not impossible...

[barnesandrogersfanfics]

With All Your Heart - Part 3

"Jesus Y/N where is your head at today?" Nat scolded you as she knocked you on my ass for the 100th time in the past hour.

"In the gutter Nat where else" you smirk at her, it wasn't a lie! All you kept thinking about was Bucky!! How nice it was waking up in his arms.... how you wanted more!

"We need to get you laid girl!" Nat laughed holding her hand out to help you up off the floor.

"I know right!" You admitted whilst grabbing your towel from the side and wiping the sweat from your brow "I've got all this pent up energy i need to get out of my system.... even being in here aint helping! Especially when we've got half naked super soldiers standing across from us" you nod in the direction of where Steve and Bucky were working out in just a pair of shorts, both doing weights and making the most sexual grunting noises you have ever heard in a gym!!

"Is it just me or are those grunting noises...."

"Sounding very sexual??" She finished and nodded her head "its not just you"

"Oh thank god" you laughed and caught the attention of the two grunting soldiers.

"You ladies okay?" Steve called over sitting up on the bench.

"Peachy Cap" you called back while turning your back to them to hide your laughing.

"You sure?? You seem to find something quite amusing"

"Its nothing Steve, just girl talk" Nat winked at him as you both walked over to the treadmills.

"Well if you need anything we'd be happy to assist you" he said politely and Nat and you both burst out laughing before starting a quick paced jog on the treadmills.

"What??" You hear Steve ask as he walked over to us, he wanted to know what was going on now. Bucky was looking over curious to what we were talking about.

"The kinda help she needs is a little outta your job description Steve"

"Natasha!!" You snap shaking your head at her, the woman had no filter sometimes.

"Oh.... oh you mean...."

"Sex Steven, you can say it. Its not a bad word" Nat said teasing him at how uncomfortable he looked.

"Nat leave him alone" you say hitting the stop button and slowly coming to a stop.

"Steve can you help me stretch, if i don't do it properly I'm gonna cramp like a bitch later"

"S..sure" he nodded quickly with a smile and walked over to the mats. He led you through some basic stretches, then he was kneeling between your legs pushing one back towards your chest a little further than you could manage on my own. It felt so good you let out a quiet moan and instantly felt your cheeks flush red "you okay?" Steve asked looking concerned, you nod quickly and laughed nervously "yeah I'm fine, that just felt really good"

"Oh my god get a room you two" Nat laughed as she walked passed.

"Nat i swear to god I'm gonna kick your ass you keep on" you called after your best friend.

"You don't stand a chance while that mind of yours is in the gutter Stark!"

"Shes right" you huff throwing your arm over your eyes dramatically.

"That we should get a room??" Steve asked wide eyed making you laugh.

"No, about me not standing a chance while my mind is in the gutter" you sat up and tapped him on the arm "don't worry cap i wont corrupt you".

"Maybe id corrupt you" he shrugged casually "how would you know??"

"Fair point" you smirked getting to your feet "id be too much for you to handle though Cap" you say patting his chest and walking out.

"See ya later Buck" you smile sweetly at him as you passed.

"What the hell was that about??" Bucky asked Steve once they were alone, Steve shook his head looking just as confused as Bucky.

"I have no idea!!"

"Was you coming onto her??"

"I.... i don't think so"

"Well do you like her?"

"Of course i like her"

"You know what i mean!"

"I don't know Buck, i think i just got caught in the moment" he shrugged then looked at his best friend with wide eyes "wait... do YOU like her??"

"W..what.... no of course not" he said quickly but the red blush that crossed his face said he did.

"Bucky you can tell me pal, I'm not going to judge you. It will stay between us i promise" Steve said to his friend, now he thought about it he couldn't believe he didn't see it sooner.

"So what if i do like her Steve?? Y/N will never see me like that" he said sadly.

"How do you know that?? You haven't even given her a chance"

"Come on man if shes into anyone its you! She's always so open and flirty with you. Don't think i haven't noticed the way shes so comfortable around you, the touches between you"

"Maybe shes trying to see if she gets a reaction from you when shes close with me. You were always so stand offish with her.... she didn't think you liked her pal"

"She makes me nervous okay!" Bucky suddenly snapped "i don't know how to act around her! And then she was always sitting there talking about all these terrible dates she was going on.... i couldn't stay and listen to her talk about being with other guys, so id just leave the room"

"Well then maybe you should ask to take her out yourself??" Steve smirked.

"She'd never say yes to me Steve" Bucky said dropping his head sadly.

"Well you better make your move pal, that girl is needing some attention and she'll go on more of those ridiculous dates to get it" he slapped Bucky on the back and went to go take a shower.

***

After the show put on by the super soldiers in the gym and having Steve between your legs while stretching you were super horny! On the way back to your rooms Nat had suggested a girls night which you instantly agreed to. Now you were in the shower with your vibrator trying to relieve some of the sexual tension you were experiencing before going out. Your breathing was heavy as you felt yourself start to clench tighter.... your mind replaying the images of a shirtless Bucky and those amazing grunting noises he had been making. It was enough to send you over the edge and let out a loud moan as your free hand grabbed hold of the wall to steady your wobbly legs.

"Fucking hell" you sighed closing your eyes and trying to catch your breath, this was getting ridiculous! It was then you heard a knocking at your door "just a second" you call out quickly turning off the shower and grabbing a towel, you wrap it around yourself and make your way through your room to open the door.

"Oh.... S..sorry!" Bucky stuttered looking away from you when he saw you in just a towel.

"Its okay Buck" you say smiling up at him "whats up?"

"I just... i thought we could talk"

"Id love that, really i would but I'm getting ready to go out for girls night with Nat and Wanda"

"Oh okay never mind... it was just an idea..." he said looking flustered at you rejecting his offer.

"Hey, how about tomorrow morning? We can go to that diner down the street that you like, Just you and me?" You offer and he smiles instantly.

"Yeah id like that" he nodded "have a nice night" he gave you a smile before making his way back to his room.

****

You chose to wear a tight fitted burgundy dress (that didn't leave too much to the imagination but made you feel sexy) and a pair of black heals, your hair was curled loosely and your make up natural looking with a slight smokey eye. You were ready for a night out with your girls and you felt good about yourself!

You head out to the kitchen to meet Nat and Wanda. Wanda was already out there waiting for us like usual making some drinks before we started our night.

"Y/N dear?" Tony said looking at you over the papers he was reading.

"yes brother?" You say in a tone that warned him you were not in the mood for his witty comments, of course that didnt stop him.

"Did you loose half of that dress??" He asked, making you instantly roll your eyes "i mean your almost exposing your....." he waved his hand over his groin area.

"Im perfectly covered, you cant see anything" you assured him.

"Im just saying you could have picked a dress with a bit more material to it sweetheart"

"I bet Nats is worse than mine and you wont say a word to her"

"Like i said before Nat is not my baby sister"

"Tony im not a baby anymore you dont have to worry about me"

"You will aways be my baby sister and i will always worry about you" he stated simply "im sorry kid but i cant just turn that off".

"Wow!"

"Jesus christ...."

Came the voices of Steve and Bucky as they walked in and saw what you were wearing.

"Oh god your gonna give these old men a heart attack walking around dressed like that Y/N" Tony commented.

"Well i think she looks hot" Wanda smiled hooking her arm through yours and giving you a smile.

"She does! You both do!" Steve nodded

"Hey dont forget about me!" Nat said as she strolled in to join us finally.

"You all look stunning"

"Thank you Steve, we do look pretty hot tonight ladies" Nat said as she pushed the drinks Wanda had made towards us "drink up and lets get this party started!!"

You, Nat and Wanda down your drinks and start to get ready to leave, Bucky had walked over to get a bottle of water from the fridge behind you and as you was about to leave he leaned in and quietly said "you look real nice doll" with a killer smile that made your insides turn to mush. You feel your cheeks burn but wasn't sure if it was from your drink or Bucky's compliment!!

"Thanks Buck" you reply quickly following the girls out before you make a complete idiot of yourself in front of Bucky.

[kira-hayashi]

I’m having a down moment again. I re-read some of the text posts I made here and got sad again. Maybe I shouldn’t have done this. I was happy till then. Today my dad bought my first car with me and I was really really happy. But now….Im just sad. A friend of mine has a bad day today too and wrote about it and I read that. I knew she had a bad mood today but not that’s like that and that pulled me down too. I…I just want to take something of soul right now. If you don’t care about it (what you probably do) then just scroll over it or klick away. I don’t want to bother you with that.

We have a project in school where we have to create our own ad agency. I had a lot of trouble to find a name at the beginning (like everyone from my class). But they all said I could do a lot with my last name but I couldn’t think of anything. I just couldn’t. That really pulled me down because everyone else had ideas. And everyone of us has to talk with our teacher during the development state. And when I had to talk with him I started to cry in front of my teacher. Because I was too stupid to think of a name. He gave me an idea and now I have a name with triple meaning which I find really cool. And it has my last name in it so it’s also personal. And we have to do a logo. I really tried to not be any kind of a nerd but I failed too. I took the Barian emblem and changed it into an ornament so it isn’t recognizable as the Barian emblem. But I know the ornaments meaning and I really want to keep it. Especially since it’s OUR ad agency. And I’m too stupid to think of anything else. We alway have two presentations. One at the end as the final one and one in the middle of the project where we get feedback from our class and teacher to get ideas for some changes. And when it was my turn…they completely ruined it for me. There were some positive feedback but mostly negative. And that really pulled me down. Simply because it was something personal and they basically destroyed that. But isn’t that supposed to be OUR agency? Some of my class had NOTHING that had to do with them. They just took something modern and cool and intelligent for an ad agency… After my presentation I asked my teacher if I could go to the toilet and he said yes. I took my phone with me because I keep a cutter blade in my phone case. I took it out and cut over my arm. A rather small cut under my elbow. It really bleed a lot. I put a tissue over it and pulled my pullover over it. I was glad I wore a black one so the blood wasn’t seen since it got on the inside of my pullover. The blade is very sharp and I still have the scars from cuts with it from around 6 months ago. Some of my scars are still visible tho. I cried a bit on the toilet but could calm down before going back to class.

Another thing is from around 6 month ago where I cut myself. I was on a convention with a friend and a friend of hers. They don’t see each other that often so they were happy they could spend time together. We went two days and at the first day I was okay. I meet two other friends of mine and spend some time with them while my friend and her friend went around together alone. I was okay and happy that they were happy but… on the second day I wasn’t happy anymore. I meet my two other friends again and spent time with them again while my friend and hers went around together again. At some point when I was with my other two friends I said goodbye to them and said I would go back to the others but I didn’t. I walked around alone for some time and sat down at the river that was there. And there I cut. I just felt so left alone, useless, a third wheel that no one wants and no one wants to have around. I felt so empty and cold. I didn’t even really felt how the blade cut through the skin at my arm. After some time I left the spot where I was sitting and went around alone again. On the area where the convention was there was a small stage with some small acts like a concert. I stood at the sideline next to a tree and could see the other viewers from there. I saw my two other friends in the crows but they didn’t saw me. Innerly I asked them to see me and come to me. But I stayed quiet and stayed by the tree. The whole time I had my hand over the cut and hide my arm under the cape I wore. Before the concert was over I left the stage area and went around again. I sat down by the sidewalk at a tree and changed my sitting spot three times or so. At the end I sat on the sidewalk, bag between my legs and cape pulled over me so no one could see my face. My friend and hers then found me. My friend noticed that I didn’t felt well and tried to talk to me. I didn’t response to her. I know I hurt her with that a bit but I couldn’t get myself to speak. After some time we left the spot and went back into the building. I told her I was fine again which was half true. I still felt down but I didn’t want to bother her with that. And I always feel like that when I’m with friends on a convention (except when I went to the ComicCon with my best friend. Simply because it was only the two of us and she’s my best friend since kindergarten). Last year I got my parents to go to a convention with me for one day because I wanted to show them why I go there. When I meet my friends there I introduced them to my parents. An while I went to the park with my friends my parents took a walk. (Afterwards my parents told me that they don’t understand that I go to conventions only to look at the stuff that is sold there but they do understand that I love to go there too meet my friends and do something with them). While I was with my friends we were „small groups“. Two friends, who are also in a relationship, were one group and two girls we meet one the way were one group. And I was alone. I didn’t had a „group“. So when they took photos I watched over our stuff since I didn’t had anyone. So around the end of our time together one asked if anyone wants to take some more photos. I wanted to but stayed quiet. Because when ever I want to take photos on a convention it never happens. But I think she noticed that I wanted to and took photos of me. That made me happy. That convention went over two days and the day before I went with my parents I went with the two from my class. And on that day I met up with my others friends too. The two from my class then went around together and we decided to meet again at 5pm. That was okay because we already decided that from the beginning. When I meet up with my other friends some of them had to leave after an hour and the other two said they would bring something to there car and come back then. I said I would wait…and I did. The weather wasn’t the best and it was cold. But I waited outside for them where we had the meet up. I waited between 30 minutes to an hour. I don't remember how long it had been. And then we only had like 20 minutes until 5 pm. And originally I wanted to take photos with one of them together…what we didn’t do but I kinda knew that already. We three took pictures together and she took some of me alone. That was nice but didn’t really cheered me up. When they came back from the car and I told them that I waited they were a bit shocked because it was so cold. They said they had drank some energy drink at there car and I could have wrote them. But I didn’t want to disturb them or be annoying so I quietly waited. I planned with one of them to take photos together some times now but it never happened. So I stopped to think we could ever do that because it would never happen.

Another thing is with my therapist. I know she’s there to help but I just can’t talk to her. I mean yeah she’s nice and all but for some reason I just can’t trust her. I tell her some things but not everything. When ever we have a have a session we kinda just sit around. I don’t tell her if something is bothering me and I lie to her about the cutting. So she can’t do something with me. And I alway tell my mom that the therapist helps and that I get better…I kinda do. I don’t have the thoughts that often anymore but they’re still there. I lie to my mom so she doesn’t worry about me. She already has enough to worry about me since she knows I have mental problems. She blames herself for that…. So I lie to make her fell better. And also I find a way to make myself cheer up…sometimes.

What else is that last year after summer holidays we had a really big group presentation about the corporate design of a company. I did that with my two friends from class…at least I see them as my friends. Sometimes I think I annoy them and they don’t want me around but pretend to. They now I have problems. So when we had to prepare the presentation I had a down time again and they noticed. They said they would do the work and I only had to learn my part that they give to me. I felt useless and guilty. So when they gave me my parts I learned them. During the presentation (we were the first group) I was really nervous and stuttered at the beginning but that went away. And then at the end was a topic which was supposed to be mine… but I didn’t learned that. We wrote in whatsapp who would have which part and I overread that! I didn’t had what they gave me. One of them then saved it since the majority of the topic were pictures and we already were over the time so he just showed the pictures. After that day I have the feeling his behavior towards me changed. I know I disappointed them and I really hate myself for that. I did thank him for saving it and apologized for forgetting it but…I have the feeling he hates me for that. And since then I notice that I have problem during presentations. I get really unsure and during some I had the feeling I would start crying anytime. Last month we held one in front of our principal and there I was really unsure and thought I would cry any moment but I somehow made it. And I know that we have two big presentations left. The one for the ad agency and the one in my finals. I’m scared that I will start crying there. That I can’t hold it back and cry in front of my class and the teachers.

That was it. I just wanted to get that off my mind for once.