#end of ted talk of mr perfect husband

[blueathens]

chilwell tuesday | ben during the chelsea v norwich city match, in which he scores his fourth goal in four consecutive games | Premier League 2021-22 | October 23, 2021

[finnofamerica]

Waking Up Slow - Eddie Munson X Reader || Fluff / Angst

Summary: After ending up in detention, you end up making friends with an unlikely person

Word Count: 1,228

Date Posted: 08.25.2022

TW: Mentions of abandonment, loneliness, cheating, parentification of a child.

Note: N/A

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You were never the type to get detention. You were a cheerleader for christ sakes. You may not have been quite as perfect or popular as Chrissy, but you were just as well part of the group, adored by the basket ball team. You just so happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, but that awful English Lit teacher had it out for you and refused to hear anything different. 

You had a singular detention buddy as you were stuck in the library, redoing the protective coverings on the entire paranormal fiction section. Trust me, the one and only Eddie Munson was just as shocked to see you as you were to be in detention in the first place. His offense? Tardiness. For the third time that week. You knew that because you were in his first period biology class, which he missed. 

“Y/l/n, Right?” Eddie asked as he plopped down on the floor next to you, in a home made Corroded Coffin shirt. You’d never heard of the band, you figured it must’ve been something you weren’t into. 

“Yeah.” 

“How come you’re in detention? Aren’t you in the group that never does anything wrong?” He asked. It came across dick-ish, but part of you knew that it was pure curiosity. 

“Because Mr. Fitz hates me,” You grumbled. “Fucking asshole. He probably off fucking Mrs. Lynde right now, not that her husband knows of the affair.” 

“Such a mouth on you, Princess. Not what I expected from the almighty cheerleading squad.” 

You rolled your eyes at his teasing, carefully pealing and resticking the cover you’d messed up. 

“You’d be surprised, Munson, not all of us are perfect like Chrissy.” You loved Chrissy, everyone did, but she was a tough act to follow. She was your best friend, but somehow you felt you always amounted to second best. “Aren’t you supposed to hate cheerleaders?” 

“I can always hate you tomorrow,” He shrugged, making you giggle, “There is nobody here to judge either of us. What happens in the library can stay in the library. Besides I wouldn’t want to damage your reputation.” 

That was the moment you decided you liked Eddie Munson, very much. He was not what you expected in the slightest. Everyone always told you that he was a freak, violent, scary. He was sweet, funny, caring. 

After an hour of small talk, the custodians came and left, all except the emergency lights went out, shocking you out of the book you were half reading. 

“What the hell?” Eddie wondered out loud, getting up and stretching his long legs. He rattled the library door, unable to get it open. “I think they locked us in here.” 

Your face went deadly serious, “You really think that Fitz left us here?” 

“If he was fucking Mrs. Lynde like you say he was, then there is a good chance he forgot all about us.” 

“I don’t have a phone.” You admitted. 

“The school phones block out bound calls without an admin code.” 

“I don’t wanna know why you know that.” 

“We’re stuck, may as well get comfortable, Princess.” 

You slumped back against the bookshelf, resigning yourself to the situation. Eddie took his spot across from you. 

“Are your parents going to worry?” He asked. 

“It’s just me and my mom. And No, she works overnights at the hospital, so, she’s usually gone before I get home from cheer practice, and back after I’ve left for school.” 

“That’s shitty.” 

You chuckled bitterly, “Yeah. It’s not really her fault though. She’s doing what she can to support us.” 

You realized how truly lonely you were. Even though you were “hot” and popular, most people never really cared enough to get to know you. Most of the popular crowd only cared about image and gossip, and tedded to bully others, intentionally or not. Others assumed that because you were a cheerleader you were dumb and wrote you off without ever having a conversation with you. Hell you didn’t even spend time with your mom most of the time. You made yourself dinner, did your homework without help, found your own way to school. 

“Eddie,” You found yourself asking, fiddling with your chipping nail polish, “Do you think, had we not been stuck together, you would’ve taken a chance on me?” 

“How do you mean?” 

“Getting to know me. Talking to me beyond the latest gossip.” 

He thought about it for a long moment. 

“Would you have taken a chance on me?” He returned your question. 

It was troubling. Would you have risked getting judged by those who were supposed to be your friends all for someone they told you was a freak? Would you have sought Eddie out, not knowing what you do now? 

Finally you nodded. “I would. If I saw you alone, away from the Hellfire club, I would.” 

“I’d be willing to take a chance on someone willing to chance it on me.” 

You smiled softly, blinking back tears of yours. 

“Tell me about DnD.” You requested, wanting to know more about the club and the game that so ostracized Eddie from everyone else. He smiled at you, explaining the general rules of the game, before launching into the campaign that he was running. You asked questions where appropriate. 

He asked you about cheerleading, wondering what drew you to the sport. 

“Not to get sad on you,” You chuckled, “But ever since my dad left I’ve felt so lonely with my mom having to pick up extra shifts, and Chrissy and I were always friends, she asked if I wanted to try out with her. So I did. At first, I loved the idea of belonging somewhere, being part of a group, but soon I realized that most people just care about their ‘popular’ image. I realized that they didn’t really care about me, I just made them look good, y’know? But now that’s where I belong. Y/n the cheerleader.” 

“If you want, you can always join us at Hellfire.” Eddie offered, “The guys might be hesitant at first, but we take care of our own.” 

“I think I’ll take you up on that.” 

“Wake up,” a voice prompted you, shaking both you and Eddie slightly. “Hey, were you here all night?” 

You felt a weight around your waist and warmth pressed against your back. It took your tired brain a minute to realize that you and Eddie were spooning. 

“Ms. Yates?” You asked quietly, rubbing your eyes. “What time is it?” 

You knew the young librarian was always here earlier than any of the rest of the staff. 

“7am, dear,” The librarian helped you into a sitting position, a kind smile on her face, “Lets get you both some coffee.” 

You startled Eddie awake, narrowly missing his flailing appendages. 

You both sat in Ms. Yates office, as she called your parents, sipping on freshly brewed coffee. 

“I am going to be taking this up with the principle, believe you me,” She said to your mother on the other line, “Absolutely unacceptable behavior from Mr. Fitz, leaving two students locked in the library.” 

You were barely listening to the conversation, half asleep on Eddie’s shoulder. 

After another thorough questioning from the principal, you and Eddie were excused for the day. Leaving the school with something you never thought possible. A new perspective. 

Tags: @munsonthemisfit @eddiemunsons-girl

[dumblydork]

Another Hinny headcanon! Bit of an AU because a few characters are alive *sniffs*

I was itching to write something but had zero ideas (and was also busy crying over the Marauders schoolwork) but here I am again so enjoy!

Also this is kind of meh but pls don't mind thanx

----

Molly's red hair shone from at the front of the rows of white chairs, where she sat with her husband's arm around her, shaking slightly with tears. Or atleast that was what was told to Harry when Ron walked into the Room of Requirement.

"Are you all set? Ginny's ready, she's looking lovely." Ron smiled at him. Harry nodded, his throat suddenly constricted, rendering him unable to speak. He stood by the closet where he had changed into a black tuxedo with a bowtie, which at the moment felt impossibly tight.

"Merlin, your hair just never sits, does it?" Hermione's voice echoed as she walked in quickly, staring at the top of Harry's head.

"I used so much Muggle hair liquid-"

"Gel," Hermione corrected Ron.

"Yes, gel. We'll have to make our peace with his unruly hair." He continued.

"Harry, are you alright? You don't look too good." Hermione approached him, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"I'm alright, just slightly anxious." He finally turned around to face his best friends. He forced a smile but he knew his best friends could tell.

"Oh Harry. There's no reason whatsoever to be so anxious. Last time I checked, Ginny wouldn't have proposed if she didn't want to marry you." Hermione smiled, but looked at Ron for support.

"Oh definitely, it's totally unlike Ginny to propose to someone she doesn't want to marry." He made a joke which worked, as Harry gave out a laugh.

"It's time." Two identical voices said. Fred and George popped their heads inside the room as Hermione let out a small squeak and rushed out.

"How is it being married?" Harry asked Ron for what was probably the thousandth time that day.

"For the last time Harry, it's amazing. You and Ginny love each other and that's all there is to it, really. Now come on, we have to be there before Ginny." Ron grinned as he put an arm around Harry and led him out of the room onto the grounds.

Harry and Ginny had settled on Hogwarts for their wedding venue as it was the one place where they shared a lot of memories; their first kiss was in the Gryffindor common room, for instance. Not to mention all those quiet moments they spent under trees in the grounds.

The place looked beautiful- the altar was set right next to the lake, decorated in white and pink flowers. Ginny had always wanted a summer wedding right at Hogwarts. It was almost impossible to believe the war was over 4 years ago, and Hogwarts was back to normal. There was only one person who could officiate the ceremony, and he was currently standing in the middle of the altar, broadly smiling at Harry who walked towards him, Ron to his back.

"You look a bit queasy, Harry." Remus whispered with a grin.

"I'm just nervous," Harry attempted a smile.

"You'll be okay- there's really not a lot to marriage." Remus added helpfully, as Harry looked at Tonks and Ted, who was currently sat in his mother's lap, waving his chubby hands at his godfather.

Harry managed a wave back, feeling already better looking at his godson's hair which had turned a milder blue for today. Tonks smiled reassuringly at Harry as well, her hair red for today.

He looked to the other side of the seating to see Molly Weasley still shedding tears but smiled happily when her eyes met Harry's. The Weasley siblings and their wives all sat behind them, except Ron who was Harry's best man.

McGonagall sat next to the Weasley parents, wearing velvet robes, a small smile continuously on her face. She was currently chatting merrily to Hagrid who was to the side of the main seating rows, a chair for him separately.

The rest of the chairs were occupied by his close friends and family, Dudley and his wife also on one of the closer front rows. Dudley waved a small hand, no doubt intimidated by all the wizards and witches around him but trying his best not to show him. Seamus was trying his best to talk to Dudley, being the closest Muggle born.

He looked at one of the chairs in the front row next to Tonks, which was left empty with a black dog plushie. Harry could feel tears line his eyes as he thought of Sirius- how happy he would have been to see his godson get married. The two chairs next to Sirius' didn't help his tears either- they were also lefy empty for his parents- a similar stag plushie next to Padfoot's and a single Lily flower. It was Ginny's idea and Harry loved her all the more for it.

Harry's appraisal of the audience was cut short when the choir started the music and everybody straightened up. All eyes were on Harry, until a few heads turned around to see the bride. However, Hermione walked in first as the matron of honour, wearing a pastel pink dress which Harry noticed for the first time. He could slightly hear Ron gasp, no doubt reliving his own wedding. She came and stood to the side, smiling broadly at her husband and Harry.

And finally, there she was. Ginny was the image of gorgeous- she was wearing a traditional white gown, off her shoulders with a very long veil trailing behind her. Her fiery hair was tied up in a bun, he could tell. Harry could feel his heart thumping- it was a mixture of elation and anxiety, but more elation. Ginny was going to be his wife- they would be together for the rest of their lives.

Ginny was finally here, standing right in front of him. She was the opposite of the blushing bride, waving happily at baby Ted and her parents, both of whom were crying now. "Psst. Harry." Ginny whispered.

"Hi." She smiled, bringing Harry back to reality.

"Hello." He said breathlessly.

"You'll have the rest of your lives to talk, I'm starting the ceremony." Remus admonished playfully; both of them knew he was teasing them.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today," He started but Harry did end up blocking the rest of the ceremony out, too busy staring at Ginny who would look at him and then laugh at something Remus had added into the speech and then look back at him. It was all very dreamy.

"Do you, Harry James Potter, take Ginevra Weasley to be your faithfully wedded wife?" He could hear Remus say.

"I do," Harry managed.

"And do you, Ginevra Weasley, take Harry James Potter to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I do." Ginny smiled and for the first time that day, Harry saw her blush.

"And finally, the moment I can SEE Harry has been waiting for, you may now kiss the bride." Remus laughed. But Harry couldn't care- this was the moment he had waited for ever since he had been dating Ginny.

He lifted the veil but before he could do anything, Ginny dragged his neck down and pressed her lips on his, leaving Harry stunned. He could hear cheers coming from the audience, most strongly from the twins.

"And now I declare you husband and wife!" Remus finished, as he hugged both of them together. "Have the best life ahead." He whispered before pulling away.

Harry and Ginny faced their audience, made up of the people they loved the most, but turned back to each other. They were each other's better halves, and now they were married, bound by magic (and law) to be together for the rest of their lives.

-sometime later-

"Throw the bouquet, Ginny!" Luna almost yelled and Harry could have sworn that was the first time he had ever heard Luna speak at a volume louder than a whisper.

"Okay, here it goes!" Ginny turned out and threw the bouquet of pink lilies behind her, her eyes shutting close.

"Aw no!" Collective groans came from the crowd, and she turned around to see who had caught the bouquet.

It turned out that baby Teddy was holding the bouquet which was also bigger than his face, while Tonks' hair colour changed furiously. The baby was laughing as if he he knew it was funny and it was infectious- the rest of the crowd burst out laughing literally a second later.

Ginny turned happily to Harry. "So Mrs. Potter, how do you feel?" Harry asked after pulling her slightly away from the noise.

"Perfect, Mr. Potter. I like the sound of my new name." Ginny smiled, placing her head on her husband's chest. Harry placed his chin on top of Ginny's head, standing quietly under the shade of the big tree where they had first sworn to be together.

Until a wolf whistle broke them apart, or rather two, identical, wolf whistles.

~~~

[itsonlystrange]

It’s late and I feel like talking about ST characters trauma

I feel like most people only focus on Will’s or El’s (which both are very valid ! ) but I think we both need to remember that:

1: characters exist outside of their trauma. If you believe that all a single character is is their trauma, and that they deserve no further character depth, you’re psycho

And 2: all characters in this fking show are traumatized. All. Of. Them. At this rate, I think Lucas is the most unscathed mentally, yet he ALSO has so much trauma! Which nobody ever talks about!

I love Will and El, however I feel like other characters (especially the females) deserve more expansion on the sh!t they’ve been through.

I WANT TO ALSO SAY:

This isn’t me narrowing down characters with the “most trauma” as I simply cannot put every character in this post and go on a full analysis rn as its 4:00 am. And also, trauma isn’t a competition. I am sick of people saying “so and so is more traumatized than so and so.” Or “so and so is the most/less traumatized.”

All trauma is valid.

People will trauma of any kind know that it doesn’t matter if someone lost 2 legs and half their brain, but you only broke your foot. That’s still gonna be painful! Mentally and physically! It isn’t a race. I don’t want to see ANY of that anymore. It’s disgusting and undermining other characters traumas to benefit others. All characters trauma is V A L I D. It all is! There is no “well so and so is the most traumatized so the others don’t get to complain.” NO! NO NO NO! That’s not how it works! This isn’t a game!! And don’t ever feel bad about not having gone through as much as your friend, your trauma is yours and all experiences are valid.

ALSO REMINDER: characters exist outside of their trauma and ab*se and I know that! This isn’t me belittling or shrinking down people to only a component to their trauma. It’s me pointing out their trauma rather than having their trauma he their whole character. I just think we need more people to talk about other ST characters, especially right now.

Now, without further a do:

MAX:

Max’s dad left fairly early on from what we’ve seen, however she still had some contact with him for at least a few more years as she seems to remember him and miss him quite a lot. We don’t know much about Mr. Mayfield, but we do know Max mises him a great deal. We also know that she has most likely witnessed a lot of physical and verbal ab*se from her stepfather. It’s never stated if Max is a handle to this ab*se either, but she’s definitely witnessed it. Which is why I believe she pushes people away, she’s afraid to get latched on. Because If she does she’ll start to care, and then they’ll just leave like almost everyone else, like her old friends and her father. She puts up walls and feign strength and a somewhat high ego to keep up the hallucination that she doesn’t care about what others think, when she really does. Not to mention she literally witnessed Billy die right before her eyes. Do you know how traumatizing that is? She’s also seen multiple others die aswell, making it worse. Now with Billy gone, Max will most likely be the center of Neil’s ab*se, and Will distance herself from everyone, and will probably spiral into a severe depression. She acts all tough on the outside when in reality she just wants to be loved and accepted, by her friends and family. She gets critiqued quite a lot, especially for being a girl, and you can tell she definitely has gotten the short end of the stick most her life.

KALI:

Do I even need to explain this one? She was literally ABDUCTED AS A CHILD, then adopted, then her adoptive family DITCHED HER, she was forced to see others get hurt or to hurt others for experiments, she’s seen multiple people d!e, and she feels like the only way for life to get better is by k!lling people. Although she’ll never show it, she feels so alone in the world. With no real family, and only her friends, she has nobody to turn to. Kali was so hated upon, which in a way, I understand. I don’t entirely agree with her morally but I do see where her intentions lay and I don’t think she’s as bad as a person as everyone says she is. She’s just a broken girl that deserves to be loved. And she’s so distant from love because she’s afraid of getting hurt. But she deserves happiness, and I wish the Duffers would allow her that happiness, too.

JOYCE:

Nobody EVER talks about Joyce’s trauma as much as they talk about Will’s or El’s (which I’m not invalidating either of theirs I’m just pointing out Joyce’s)

Joyce is said to deal with frequent panic attacks and anxiety. She was verbally and probably physically ab*see by her husband leaving her with severe trust issues. For awhile the whole town thought she was crazy, and we’ve seen her be treated like an outcast. She doesn’t fit in. Back in the 80’s, single moms were looke down upon. Will is constantly referred to as “Lonnie’s Boy”, because that’s what people see him as, even when Lonnie ditched Will and hurt him more than Joyce ever could. Joyce works/worked multiple jobs, and had to keep up her family of two boys. It got so bad even Jonathan had to get one or two jobs just to keep a roof over their heads.

Joyce really deserves happiness. She’s always alert now and her anxiety has only gotten worse. She’s constantly looking for things that aren’t there and although she may have been right about the magnets, it’s worrying that she saw a pattern there, anyways. Her life has given her the short end of the stick multiple times. She’s seen multiple people d!e, her son get possessed, her son get exorcised and be in so much pain, the love of her life (Bob) die right in front of her, the other love of her life (Hopper) die right infront of her, she’s been losing herself since season one, and knowing it’ll only get worse in season 4 scares me so much. She deserves to settle down and find a happy family. She deserves love and support and therapy. And she deserves support system that will listen to her and be there for her. Joyce is so strong in so many ways, she has always percerviered through the thick and thin, and life has ever gone in her direction yet she stays there, for her boys, and doesn’t give up. She is so kind and loyal, she took El under her wing, she was there countless nights when Lonnie was screaming, protecting Will. She was there, staying up all night to make sure Will went to bed safely. She worked two jobs and has tried to get enough money for Jonathan to go to college, and yet life has never given her anything back. This woman has been through hell, she deserves to be loved with no consequences. She deserves to be happy without it backfiring. Joyce is such a dimensional character. She’s had her ups and downs, and she’s somehow always found ways to keep on pushing forward past where most people would break. THATS Queen shit

NANCY:

Now, it looks like Nancy had a fairly peaceful upbringing. While I don’t think she has as much trauma as Mike, I feel like a lot of people over look her and her existence and immediately write her off as “selfish” or a “brat”. And while I do agree that she does have some selfish or self centered moments, she’s always grown from those. Character development, people!

Nancy, the oldest of 3, definitely got the most love from her mother. I don’t think her home life has ever been bad. Although Karen and Ted aren’t the perfect happy couple, they don’t seem to fight much, and they seem pretty peaceful. So I don’t think Nancy’s home life is bad necessarily, and from the outside it could almost be described as “perfect”.

However, there is so much beneath that.

Nancy was stuck in a loveless relationship for about a year. She did the best she could at school to fit in or “be popular”. She wanted to stay with Steve because that seemed like the most logical option. He was popular, rich, he’d be the perfect guy to settle down with. But her heart was telling her to go else where. Jonathan was poor, unpopular, and isn’t necessarily the perfect guy to settle down with financially. Her parents put pressure on her to be the perfect housewife (more so her dad, I don’t think karen did as much.) so when Nancy falls for someone the exact opposite of what she should be going for, she’s in denial. She’s torn between the two. She had a perfect life ahead of her. Great friends, popularity, a loving boyfriend, but she didn’t want that. She didn’t want to settle down and living a boring life just like her parents.

Besides all that, she’s been pulled into an alternate dimension, she’s seen multiple people d!e, she’s nearly been k!led MULTIPLE times. She’s had to k!ll people for her own safety. She’s had to watch her boyfriends brother get excorcised, and also stab her boyfriends brother with a flaming hot rod. She’s had to live with the guilt of Barbara, her best friend, dying while she was sleeping with Steve. She feels so much guilt, survivors guilt, for not doing anything that night. She’s had to live with the fact that her bestfriend since she was little passed on right outside where Nancy was, and Nancy could’ve done something about it, which is the worse part. She’s been harassed by misogynistic coworkers for the fact that she’s a female, lowering her self esteem. And it seems that whenever she does something good in the world it always backfires. She feels like an outcast even though she has so many “friends”, or so it seems. She has the perfect house at the end of a culdesac. What can she possibly be sad over? Her life seems seamless. Yet there is a lot buried under there. She seems like she’s in denial over a lot of things, and constantly in a stage of grief. Nancy deserves to not feel ridiculed. She deserves to be a winner, and to prove those misogynistic @ssholes wrong. She shouldn’t have to fit this cookie cutter ideal. She’s a badass. She’s experienced way more than I feel like most people realize, and has been put in the center of absolute insanity yet still was able to come out of it intact. She deserves to live the life she wants to live, without Survivors Guilt, without the feeling of being an outcast, without low self esteem. Nancy is such a strong young woman in more ways than one, and I feel like so many people hate on her solely because she isn’t doing what most of these girl next door characters usually do. She subverted her own trope. And most people are angry that she isn’t this cookie cutter girl the way she’s “supposed to be”. She gets overlooked, and most people prefer the men of the cast, over her. And yes, everyone is entitled to their opinion, however I’ve seen people hate on Nancy for stupid misogynistic things, which isn’t a valid reason to dislike a character. And most people assume she’s just a spoiled, self obsorbed, ditzie girl, but she really is just someone trapped inside a box trying to get out. Nancy is a baddie. She’s always defended her friends. She’s always defended her brother, and has fought interdimensonal demons before. SHE IS SUCH A BADASS! She learned how to use a gun at the age of 16, despite most woman in the 80’s not even slowing themselves to touch a gun. She grew independent and learned to work for herself and not for others. She cracked a major story at the Hawkins Post, and even when people didn’t believe her, she still pursued it, and was right! She doesn’t give up, and people should be looking up to her and aspiring to be her. She literally beat up someone with a fire hydrant while playing a game of Marco Polo. Why does nobody talk about that! She will kick your ass into the next dimension. THATS Queen shit.

That’s all for now. I will touch back up on this later with some more characters traumas (probably Mike’s, Dustin’s, Lucas’s, and more.) but this is it for now. I really think we should pay more attention to the woman in the ST cast and their characters. A lot of focus is usually on the boys, which is understandable, but I wanted to point out how strong all these girls are and how much I admire them. I love Will and el as well, but I’ve already made several posts talking about them and how badass they are, lol. I wanted to shine light on more people that usually don’t take the spotlight very often. I’ll be back with more, later! As I said above, I’ll totally touch on some more people’s trauma as well, as there’s a lot beneath the surface I feel like most people don’t pay attention to.

SORRY FOR SUPER LONG POST

PS: I began writing that at 4:44am, then fell asleep. It’s 11:45 am now.

[kittybellestark]

It’s Like Falling From The Sky

Hi I’m exhausting and things suck rn so i wrote this 

I know this is coming out but I really can’t promise that I’ll be able to be very active on here with everything going on with my Dad. 

If you have mad e a fic request I am working on it have no fears I have not forgotten I just needed to write out my emotions so I’m sorry.

I’ll get this on AO3 in the next few days

TW: Flashbacks, Minor Character Deaths, Re-Visiting Peter’s Traumas, Depression, Probably Disassociation.

-

Peter remembers. He hated remembering this. He couldn’t even talk to other people about this. Well, he probably could, but he wasn’t supposed to. 

Dr. Josh said so. 

He didn’t like Dr. Josh very much. He was there when it happened. Dr. Josh went through the same thing Peter did. Sometimes Dr. Josh still came to visit Peter up until the time Skip happened. Dr. Josh was there for Peter’s first trauma yet he wasn’t there for the next one. And Peter hated him.

Peter remembered the plane. 

Officially Peter was never in that plane. There was no records of Peter ever being there, or Dr. Josh being there. But Peter remembered it in perfect clarity. It was one of the only memories Peter had of his parents. 

It was fine. The plane ride. It was boring and he played Uno with his parents. Dr. Josh stayed seated in a corner, close to the front. It was a nice plane, a private one Oscorp had provided them. This plane was newer. Peter hadn’t ever seen it before, this wasn’t the plane his family normally took. He had liked the other plane more, that plane was familiar. 

He was the one who noticed the smoke. It was coming out of the engine. They had thought the shaking was turbulence, just a little bit of wind. The smoke clouded the sky around them. 

Peter remembers that his parents buckled him into a seat, before getting into their own. Dr. Josh went to go into the cockpit, but the door was jammed. He couldn’t get in. The locking mechanism had ceased, there was no way for Dr. Josh to get in there and Peter saw the moment he realized this. The doctor sat down and buckled in.

The lights flickering was the scariest part to Peter. That was when everyone knew things would get worse. Peter could feel it, he was able to feel his parents fear. Their fear was suffocating. It was the way his mother sobbed and his father dropped his head into his hands, shoulders shaking. There was no battle to be fought, they weren’t going to be able to get out of this one.

Oxygen masks dropped and Peter’s mom made sure to get one onto his face. She kissed his forehead and whispered goodbyes. He cried hard, holding onto her hand with both of his. The door had ripped off the side of the air craft and that made things cold. Cold, cold, cold. And that didn’t make sense to Peter. Outside was bright orange, the colour of warmth and his parents bedding. 

Nothing made sense. It was bad and scary and Peter hates remembering this. He hates it. Peter hates that he was there and that officially he never was. There’s been no one to talk to, no one who can understand. It was in the news, that the only two passengers onboard had died and it infuriates Peter. There was four passengers on that plane and two died. 

Peter remembers the plane going down. He remembers screaming, then he remembers waking up. There was metal scraps of plane all around him and fire, there was so much fire. He was still in his chair, strapped down to it and he couldn’t get out. He remembers calling out for his parents and then looking around for them. 

Peter remembers seeing his mother laying there on the ground. She was awake but gasping for air, her one hand on chest, a leg bent at an unnatural angle, hair melted onto her. Peter was afraid of his own mother. He couldn’t find his father, couldn’t see him, but Peter could hear his screams. Peter could hear him in pain and that scared him too. He feared the people who were meant to be safe. Peter hates himself for that too.

Peter hates Dr. Josh. He hates Dr. Josh for surviving and Peter hates that Dr. Josh for saving him and not going back for his parents. And Peter hates Dr. Josh for leaving him, for not showing up anymore. 

Peter hates Dr. Josh. He never expected to see him again. But the thing about being Peter Parker is that everything goes in the exact way that Peter just can’t predict. 

Becoming Spider-Man was never anything Peter thought he would ever do. Meeting Tony Stark was a pipe-dream, and this mentor-mentee thing was so wildly out there. Nothing ever seemed to make sense and Peter hated that too. It was always a whirlwind and never any time to process any of it. Never any time to make sense of anything.

Peter couldn’t help blaming Dr. Josh for that too. 

“You good kid?” Tony finally, finally asked. 

Distractions are good, welcomed even. Anything was better than his thoughts or the memories of his parents dying. Distractions are easy and they help. Things aren’t so painful if he’s distracted. It’s why parents teach their kids to laugh when they get hurt, it distracts them and then everything is okay.

“Oh, yeah. Sorry- I just got caught up in my head.” 

Peter couldn’t help running his hand through his hair. It was a nervous tick, at least that’s what Dr. Josh had said. Built on his anxiety after his parents death. Peter didn’t believe that to be factual. It was a way to comfort himself, his parents used to run their fingers through Peter’s hair when he was sad or sick or tired. 

He could tell that Tony didn’t believe him. Why would he? Peter hasn’t been focused recently. He needs to focus, but he just can’t seem to focus on anything other than the thought of Dr. Josh recently. It’s a problem and Peter knows it. But it’s just so easy to put the bad things on him. 

Had Dr. Josh at least saved one of his parents, Peter wouldn’t have gone into foster care. He wouldn’t have been placed into May and Ben’s home, Skip would have never been his babysitter. Peter wouldn’t have had to go onto the Oscorp field trip, and Ben would have never been murdered. If just one of his parents had lived Peter wouldn’t feel the grief or hatred he does now. More of his family would be around, he wouldn’t be made fun of for being the reason his guardians all keep dying. May would be happier, she’d have her husband and a in-law. There would never be any over-due bills. So Peter hated Dr. Josh, and it wasn’t fair to do that to him, but Dr. Josh was supposed to be a doctor. He was supposed to save lives.

“Earth to Peter.” Tony waved his hand in front of Peter’s face. “You zoned out on me while I was talking. We have a meeting to go to remember, you’re supposed to pretend to be doing intern-y things. With the Avengers?” 

Peter shook his head, trying to clear it. It was too busy most of the time. Every thought just started and ended on top of each other. But he was going into a meeting, and the Avengers were supposed to be there, so his brain needed to be clear. He couldn’t think about what is felt like to fall out of the sky and not being able to catch himself.

“Sorry, yeah, I’m here. Which Avengers?” 

Smile. Breathe. Listen. Try and be normal. Do not dwell. Not on the past. 

���I mean Cap is going to be there, he’s a total bore by the way. He drones on and on, I think we’ve all learnt to fall asleep to him talking without him noticing, you’re allowed to zone out on him. Natasha is going to be there, she’s sneaky about things so don’t fan boy too hard around her. Clint will also be there, he’ll keep things interesting. You get bored in there Clint is always doing something strange to get everyone’s attention, you two will get along like a house on fire, I’m only a little scared. And Bruce will be there, you’ve met him multiple times already though Pete, so we aren’t going to hyperventilate this time. You’re going to remember to breathe and not overwhelm Bruce with every question you have about one of his research papers.” 

Tony liked to talk with his hands. Grand gestures. It was calming to watch. Peter liked how expressive Tony was. The man said he wasn’t good at expressing his emotions but Tony showed his emotions in his movements. He was easy to read if you knew what to look for, and Peter did. Peter liked knowing. He didn’t get to know much in his life, he could never predict what was happening next and that hurt. But he could see how Tony was feeling and he could act accordingly and he liked to be able to control that.

“I’ve seen the PSA’s at school I think I’ll live. Black Widow is very intimidating so I don’t think you’ll hear me talk more than five words, she’s awesome but she could kill me in the time it takes me to blink. I cannot annoy her Mr. Stark, I’m comfortable being alive.” Tony laughed, Peter joined. “I mean really, I’ve met Dr. Banner and Black Widow has become involved with the government and on tv all the time. An no self respecting teenager doesn’t hate Captain America for those PSA’s at least a little bit. I know them all except Hawkeye really, but he’s the only Avenger that is still supposed to be a secret agent so it’s not like any pictures of him exists. Which is very annoying Mr. Stark. Ned and I hacked into your servers once to see if we could find any pictures of him- this was before I met you by the way- and you didn’t even have anything there.”

Yeah, that sounded like Peter Parker. Laughing, joking, he sounded normal. He was not spiraling. There was no imagining the lights flickering or smoke filled sky. Peter couldn’t talk about it so he shouldn’t think about it. There was no use in his brain remembering the sound of his father’s screams. He could remember so many better things, more useful things. It was over ten years ago. He had more recent trauma, plane trauma at that. This really shouldn’t be the one bad thing his brain goes to first.

Right. He’s supposed to acknowledge and follow and be normal. Peter has this. There’s no plane falling out of the sky today. He is okay. 

“I wish I was surprised about you and Ted hacking into SI servers and then getting into my own, but frankly nothing you do could really ever surprise me at this point. You’re too smart for your own good, I do expect you to take over the world Roo, but for my heart could you wait until you’re done high school.”

It was the right time to laugh. Tony was laughing, so Peter laughed. It didn’t make sense to Peter how his actions couldn’t surprise Tony. Sometimes Peter’s actions even surprise himself. But it’s not really like Peter knew himself very much anymore, not with his life continuing to be so unpredictable. Sure he had gotten used to the fake smiles, and pretending to be fine, deflecting, but that wasn’t really his actions. It just covered them up. 

Peter followed just a little bit behind Tony, it helped ease the anxiety, like a shield. He also knew it wasn’t good to use Tony like this. It was just easier sometimes, when he was scared. This wasn’t a good pattern, but neither was the rest of his life. The world owed him just this bit of comfort sometimes.

“If I’m going to take over the world then I have to take everyone by surprise Mr. Stark. Including you; unless you help me of course. I could use you for your government connections, sway them over into our favour. It really wouldn’t take much.” 

Peter shrugged as Tony stepped into the room, shaking his head while looking back at him. The room was loud as Peter stepped in, but it’s what he had expected. Stories have been told to him about the Avengers, loud and rambunctious, conversations on top of each other. Even with Thor off world the group made up for it in this small room.

“Everyone this is my personal intern. Yes I trust him, no he is not a secret love child, no you can’t interrogate. Yes he will be sitting in this meeting, no you don’t have anything to worry about. Okay? Great, Brucie you know Peter, everyone else this is Peter Parker, Peter this is everyone.” 

It’s like falling from the sky, when he see’s the Avengers. He smells the smoke and feels everything quake. He can hear his father screaming and his mother gasping for air. Everything is warm orange but he’s cold and it doesn’t make sense. He is falling from the sky and it’s way too fast and he cant keep his hold on his mothers hand. He is falling and he can’t catch himself and the world is coming at him way too fast. 

He needs to breathe.

It hurts. 

He’s trapped in the seat and everything is on fire and his family is dying.

And there is Dr. Josh pulling him out and taking him away.

Breathe. He has to breathe.

Peter is not there.

Not in the middle of no where.

Certainly not with his parents.

But he is here. In the Avengers Tower. With Dr. Josh.

He just needs to focus. He needs to breathe. His brain is running too fast and there’s too many thoughts. Peter hates him, hates Dr. Josh. The plane crashed, his parents were alive and he was carried away from them. They died by this man who was supposed to be a doctor. Peter couldn’t help but feeling the anger, over a decade of anger boiling inside of him.

Peter was never good at not saying what he thought. Words were just out of his mouth before he even thought them. It’s always been good to stop people from questioning him too much, but now it was nothing but a weakness. There was no control over this, over his words and Peter hated that he couldn’t control them. He just needed to control something and yet he couldn’t even control his stupid words.

“You killed them.” 

It didn’t even sound like his own voice. He wasn’t supposed to talk about this. He was told not too. Officially Peter was never there. And he was never meant to talk about this. He should have forgotten this.

Captain America, Steve Rogers was the first one to move, pushing himself backwards in his chair before standing up. Peter didn’t like the stance Steve took, he recognized it from school and from muggers too. It was made to intimidate. It worked. Peter found himself pushing against Tony. He didn’t know if that was to shield himself or to shield Tony. It felt selfish though. 

“Kid?” Tony whispered. 

He was clearly hesitant, scared of Peter, for Peter? Honestly, Peter wasn’t so sure. All Peter knew was that he was angry, and the man who ruined his whole life was just sitting there, like this was no big deal like it was nothing. He sat there, just barely a fake look of concern like he didn’t even recognize Peter.

“You don’t even remember me. You’re the reason my parents died, you introduced yourself as a doctor and clearly you fucking lied. They were dying in front of us. Remember that? Instead of helping them you got me out of the seat I was in and walked away. We were the only two who survived, but funny enough neither of us were put on the reports. Officially we never went on that plane. Unofficially you dropped me off in Connecticut to go into foster care, but officially I ran away from my babysitter and managed to sneak onto a train. You remember me now?” The words felt like acid, and Peter didn’t like the way the words felt in his mouth. But he was falling. “Oh, no? See, you introduced yourself to me as Doctor Josh Wilkes.”

Peter didn’t notice how he made his way further into the room. He wasn’t very aware of his body or the words that were spilling out. There was just so much pain, so much that he never talked about to anyone because they were never supposed to know. His world fell apart in front of him when he was too young to understand and Peter never got to tell anyone.

“Peter, I think you’re having a severe panic attack. Can you breathe with me?” That was Dr. Banner. 

Dr. Banner was in front of Peter’s face, enough to block his view. Tony’s arms were wrapped around Peter’s waist just enough pressure to help remind Peter where he was. It wasn’t enough for Peter’s thoughts to stay in his head, but his head had been so loud for so long. Letting it out felt better but also worse. He was finally being heard, but this wasn’t what he wanted to happen. 

Black Widow- Natasha moved around the room, stationing herself in front of her friend, and Steve looked ready to yell. None of this was what Peter wanted. He needed to gain control. He needed to take a breath and start thinking. But here was Dr. Josh, Clint Barton and everything just felt so much more like a lie. Peter felt like he’d been removed from his body and scrambled before being shoved right back in.

“No. No. You told me you were a Doctor, that you saved lives. That was all a lie. Every word you ever said to me was a lie and I hate you, I do. You told me that plane crash was our secret, that I couldn’t tell anyone. You stole my parents lives, and you ruined mine, and now you’re just sitting there, silent. You’re an Avenger, you are supposed to save lives. Why didn’t you save mine?”

There were tears streaming down Peter’s face. He’d been lied too. The man he hates wasn’t even a real person, just some persona that was put on. He hated an Avenger and he never thought he would. Peter hates Clint Barton for what was done to him. And he hates that Clint just sits there not saying anything. Looking at Peter with his eyebrows raised but otherwise looking unaffected.

He had to leave. He needed to leave and go find a place to breathe. It’d been too long and everything hurt too bad. Peter was only 6, barely had any life and yet had it all torn from him.

Peter waiting another moment for Clint to say something.

“You’re a coward.” Peter pulled himself out of Tony’s arms. “I’m leaving. I don’t ever want to see you again.”

He was leaving and Peter knew it was wrong. This was everything he hated but he should be more mature about it. Peter was raised to treat people with respect, never to shout, never call someone names. It didn’t matter who the person was, he should always treat them the way he wishes to be treated.

The past should be behind him and he just needed to stop experiencing it. Peter needed to walk away from his past even if that left his parents behind him. His mom wasn’t gasping for air anymore and his dad wasn’t screaming in pain, but this felt the same as it had then. When he was picked up and carried away fighting to go back. 

The elevator was too small and it felt like falling. There wasn’t enough air as they went down, down, down. They were going towards the ground way too fast and everything was too cold and- he wasn’t there. Peter is in New York and he’s leaving his past behind. It’d be easier to forget it, but that can’t happen. For now he’s in New York and he is not falling, things are controlled now. He isn’t controlling them but things are controlled and that has to be enough.

“Peter, do you want to talk about it?” 

That was Tony. Tony was there walking out of the building with him and he didn’t even notice. Someone was there for him and following him out into the streets and he is upset. This is going to be like Ben all over again. It was all too familiar. Peter is crying and too caught up in his head and he’s being followed by someone who cares again and he is in New York. Last time Peter had a gun held to him because he saw something he shouldn’t and Ben stepped in. Tony would do the same thing as Ben, Peter knows that. 

Planes don’t fall out of the sky often but it happened to Peter twice. Muggings happen often, Peter has seen his fair share. It could happen to him again. History repeats itself, everyone says that. This can happen again too, it could. All because of Dr. J- Clint. 

“You can’t let him kill you Mr. Stark. I can’t lose anyone else, I can’t watch anyone else die. You and May are all I have left.”

Breathe. He just needs to breathe and it’ll be okay. Peter knows this he just needs to get himself under control. One person should not have any control over him, his life, not like this.

“Alright kiddo. I’m staying right here, and you know May isn’t going anywhere either. We’ll stay by your side no matter what. So lets talk, tell me what isn’t official or don’t. Whatever you need right now.”

Peter nodded. He hated how the air was acid but he had to do this. He’s held it all in, every bad thing. He didn’t talk about things, never the bad things, those were made to be secrets. But it never felt good, it always ached, to keep it all inside. Peter never told May and Ben about his parents, all they knew was the official story. He had never told them about Skip, never talked about it more than what was necessary after May walked in. Never said anything about what happened to give him his powers. He didn’t tell May about watching Ben die. He never said anything to Tony or Happy about a building falling on him or crashing the plane on Coney Island. These memories, these trauma’s are not made to be shared, but he couldn’t hold in in anymore. 

His body wasn’t his own and Peter hated not being aware of his actions, pulled too far into the past to understand his movements, his surroundings. When Tony pulled Peter back inside and to the penthouse he hardly recognized his own motions. Sitting onto Tony’s couch helped Peter come back to himself, just the tiniest bit. 

For the first time ever Peter told someone the unofficial story. There was no talking about nothing. He tells Tony about what it was like to notice the smoke and the flames. He talks about being exposed in the sky and holding his mothers hand as they fall. He speaks about seeing his mom, hearing her and his dad. He explains what is was like to be carried away, fighting to be with them, knowing they’d die. Peter tells Tony about what it’s like in foster care, about being considered a flight risk because officially he ran away from his babysitter. 

Peter tells Tony everything.

And Tony listens. 

Peter thought he’d feel better. He never expected to feel like every problem is solved, but he thought he’d at least feel the tiniest bit better. This wasn’t better though.

Maybe it was a mistake.

These big, scary traumatic things were supposed to be kept to himself. They might have changed his life but they didn’t need to affect anyone else’s.

“This is the first time you’re telling anyone any of this?” Tony hand’s Peter hot chocolate as he asks this question, it feels like a stupid question to Peter, he wasn’t supposed to talk about it so why would he tell anyone. 

“I was told I couldn’t tell anyone about my parents. Dr. Josh, Clint, he sat me down and told me no one could actually know how my parents died, that it was our secret. He’d check in on me for a few years after to make sure May and Ben didn’t know. Clint told me that the big scary thing things that happen to a person aren’t made to be shared with others and that no one would believe me, so I didn’t tell anyone. I’m supposed to do what adults tell me, it’s not a big deal.”

Tony hummed, sipping his own drink. Peter didn’t like the way Tony looked at him, like a mystery that revealed itself. It was close to the look Peter gets when people find out his parents are dead and one of his guardians died too, but it wasn’t quiet it. Tony also held some level of anger in his eyes and Peter didn’t know who that was directed at.

“Peter you literally exploded when you saw Clint, that was a pretty big deal. Him telling you not to share the first big traumatic thing to happen to you is a pretty big deal too, especially because he told you that he was a doctor. It’s all big deal.”

Peter groaned. He should have had better control. It was already a bad day and his head was too clouded with the past. It was a mistake. A blip. Peter should have done better.

“FRIDAY, could you ask Clint Barton to come up here?” 

FRIDAY confirmed and Peter realized that this was another mistake. Why couldn’t he just stop himself? He wasn’t good at this. This was a mistake. Peter was raised to do what was right but he only made mistake after mistake. Everything he’s done was a mistake.

“What are you doing kid?”

Planes fall from the sky. Planes that hold Peter have fallen. They are world ending and Peter’s world has ended over and over. He blamed the person that Clint was pretending to be. Peter blamed a lie.

“He forgot me and then I told him he killed my parents and didn’t save my life.”

The elevator dinged out a final warning to what was coming before the doors opened. This time Peter was prepared to see the face of a man who haunted his life. Clint walked in and stayed standing away from Peter and Tony on the other side the coffee table. 

“Sorry for yelling at you. It was a bad day. I was taken off guard and said things without any thought.” 

Unrecognizable. Cold. Unattached. Empty. Peter’s voice didn’t sound nice, there was no personality. But it had been a long day. There was too many emotions all at once and Peter was tired, it was nearly too much today. All his thoughts and feelings were all too wrapped together, snaked around his heart and lungs. In his throat and into his jaw, squeezing too tight; a mess of what should be neat and organized.

“My mission was to protect you. I was assigned onto that plane and to your parents to make sure you were properly protected. Your parents were agents in the scientific division of SHIELD and were assigned to Oscorp to get intel. We had reason to believe that Oscorp was going to stage a kidnapping to experiment on you. My only job was to keep you safe and when that plane went down I had to get you out of the area before you were taken. SHIELD agents were with your parents by the time we got to safety. We didn’t tell you that you’re Dad’s spine was crushed or your Mom’s lungs were filled with blood, there was no saving them. Even if I helped them first they would not have survived, if I was a doctor it wouldn’t have made a difference. My mission was to protect you. I had to drop in after that every once in a while after that because Oscorp still had their eyes on you. I got reassigned when they stopped following you.”

Peter’s mind reeled. Hardly able to process the words being told. None of it made sense. It didn’t feel much like the truth. Peter still ended up at Oscorp and bad things still happened. 

“Well you failed then. You’re mission was a failure.” Peter couldn’t help but laugh. “Oscorp doesn’t give school’s tours, especially not high schools. But they gave my school a tour, but only my class. You did not succeed at your one job. I was there, got separated from my class. After that some Oscorp employees tended to show up where I was for a few months, offered me summer camp opportunities a few internships. I never took them especially not once I got this internship. But they never stopped. Oh, and I was friends with Harry Osborn, for years actually, went over to his house all the time until pretty recently.”

The spider bite. Peter always thought it was an accident. A coincidence. But now it was making sense. The lab assistant who gave him the wrong directions to the bathroom did that on purpose. He ended up in a room filled with spiders instead of a hallway he expected to lead to the washroom. Oscorp followed him to see if Peter had changed, not because they thought he did something bad or stole from them. It was their plan. Had he of taken the internship who knows what else would have happened. 

The mugging that killed Ben, that was probably Oscorp too. It would make sense. Especially if they were watching Peter. The gun was pointed at Peter first, meant to shoot him. Maybe they expected Peter to do something, confirm any theory they may have had about him. Instead Ben got in the way and died. And Peter didn’t do anything that day, or that week, not even that month. Oscorp stopped reaching out as much after that. They weren’t at his favourite places anymore and he got less mail from them. Every once in a while they still offered an internship to him, but it wasn’t a consistent thing like before. There wasn’t anything consistent.

“Clint, I think it’s time for you to leave.” That was Tony. Tony was nice. Tony helps. “Peter, buddy, you need to remember to breathe. C’mon Roo, I know that was a lot but breathe for me, please.”

He couldn’t do it. Everything about Peter was a lie. The man he blamed was a lie. The idea his parents could be alive was a lie. The reason Ben died was a lie. Everyone lied to him, his entire life, every traumatic experience came from a lie. Being Spider-Man came from a lie and working with Tony rooted from one too. There was no truth. He was never given the truth. 

Peter couldn’t do it. He didn’t want to. Nothing was true. How could he do anything real, or true? His life was a pile of lies stacked on top of each other in a way to control him and to manipulate. There’s no control here, this was a fall and every time there was something to grab onto it just disappeared. Nothing was real, it wasn’t real. Someone else pulled the strings on his life and now they’ve all been cut and there’s nothing holding him up anymore. 

Alone. He’s alone and he can’t do this. Just a kid who lost everyone on a lie. Peter never had a chance to control anything,  Everything was set up for him to react in certain ways, he had no choice, probably never did.

“Peter, buddy, c’mon, breathe for me. Don’t do this, you’re going to hurt yourself. I know this was a lot, but Roo, you’ll get through this, I know this was a lot, your whole life thrown at you in one go. I’m here with you.”

Focus on Tony. He needed to breathe, gain control here. But this was wrong, all of it was wrong. Peter had been through a lot but this was something else entirely. How can any expect him to get through this? 

“No. No, Mr. Stark. I can’t- I can’t do this. I’m not- it’s not- it’s a lie. I can’t do this.”

He was sobbing, face tomato red. Tears were streaming down his face, his body shook just like the plane that went down. He couldn’t calm down and he hated himself for it. Peter couldn’t control the way his thoughts always went to his biggest traumas, and now he couldn’t control the way he was reacted. Maybe none of this ever happened, and that’s just a lie too. There’s no proof that he isn’t dead or in a coma or even lost his mind. It’s all been a lie this far, it could be a lie past that.

Arms wrapped around Peter. They held him tight and he fought them at first trying to break free. He needed to be free of them, free of his thoughts. He only struggled for a few minutes before finally being able to relax, entire body going limp.

Everything was too much. It was too much.

And Peter was falling from the sky. Falling too fast and too hard into the rest of his life. There was no way to catch himself, not at these speeds. He was just a six year old with too much heartache. No Spider-Man there to catch him, no webs strong enough. Peter was falling from the sky and he couldn’t stop.

But Tony is there, and Tony will be there to catch Peter before he crashes.

-

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[hannibal-obsessed]

Why Not Spend Your Lock-Down with Dr. Hannibal Lecter?

By Shannon L. Christie

You are cordially invited to spend your lock-down, dining in the company of Dr. Hannibal Lecter.

Menu

Reception

Dr. Hannibal Lecter is one of thee most iconic fictional literary villains, created in the 20th Century; Hollywood films has cemented his iconic status and his transformation into the 21st Century, via network television, has been carefully crafted under the watchful eye of executive producer, Martha De Laurentiis.

Hannibal Lecter sprang from the mind of novelist Thomas Harris; Lecter has been in our lives for almost 40 years; introduced with the publication of Red Dragon in October 1981; he has never left our consciousness for too long.

So where does one start?

Do you read the 4 novels, watch the 5 movies or the TV Series?

Do I start at the beginning with Harris's novel, Red Dragon?

There are several ways to feast upon Hannibal Lecter: read Harris' novels first: watch the movies and then dine on the TV Series; read the novels, watch the corresponding movies and then the TV Series; watch the TV Series and then go back, watch the movies and read the novels. Whatever way you decide, you will not be disappointed at the end of your feast!

The following menu outline would be my suggestion for how to feast upon the sumptuous offerings of Dr. Hannibal Lecter.

Amuse-bouche

In this course we are served small bit-sized morsels of Dr. Hannibal Lecter.

Red Dragon: Thomas Harris, 1981

Will Graham, a former FBI Special Agent with an instinct for profiling, is sucked back into consulting for the FBI on their latest serial murder case; involving the Tooth Fairy. Will's been living a quiet life in Florida with his wife and son, when his former boss, Jack Crawford visits, enticing Graham back into the game. In order to get that old scent back; Graham needs to get into the mindset of a killer, so he visits Dr. Hannibal Lecter at The Baltimore State Hospital for the Criminally Insane, where Lecter is serving 9 consecutive life terms for murder. Graham was the FBI Agent who finally caught Hannibal and it almost cost him his life and sanity.

Interesting Fact: Harris attended portions of Ted Bundy's trial for the Chi Omega Murders in Florida. The Prosecutors in the Bundy trial used bite marks left on one of his victims as evidence. Dolarhyde left bite marks on Mrs. Leeds, which allowed forensics to create dental impressions, creating a sample of Dolarhyde's teeth.

Manhunter: Directed by Michael Mann, 1986

Manhunter was written and directed by Michael Mann; starring William Petersen (Will Graham), Dennis Farina (Jack Crawford), Tom Noonan (Francis Dollarhyde, film spelling/Red Dragon/Tooth Fairy), Joan Allen (Reba McClane) Brian Cox (Hannibal Lecktor, film spelling).

Manhunter is now considered a cult classic; at the time of it's original release it fared poorly at the box office and met with mixed reviews. It's cult status may be partially due to the continuing saga of Hannibal Lecter and William Petersen's success in CSI. The film touches on many of the important elements of the novel and also misses on quite a few. What is Dolarhyde's motive? The movie is dated with a definite 80's Michael Mann vibe; in spite of that it is definitely worth a watch for Noonan's performance.

Interesting Fact: Film Producer Dino De Laurentiis purchased the movie rights to the novel Red Dragon in 1983.

Red Dragon: Directed by Brett Ratner, 2002

This is where I'll skip ahead and talk about Manhunter's remake, Red Dragon. You can either choose to watch Red Dragon here or move it to after Hannibal to watch in order of release – entirely up to you.

Dino De Laurentiis passed on the movie rights to The Silence of the Lamb, due to the poor showing of Manhunter at the box office. So when The Silence of the Lambs was critically acclaimed by the critics; a huge box office success; winning the top 5 categories at the 1992 Oscars; Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor, Best Actress and Best Adapted Screenplay – Dino wanted another serving of Hannibal Lecter.

When Harris released his third Lecter novel, simply titled Hannibal, Dino De Laurentiis picked up the rights and saw this as an opportunity to remake Manhunter, this time using the book title, Red Dragon, especially considering the success of Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal Lecter. In fact, Red Dragon was released in theatres a year after Hannibal.

Lecter's role was beefed up with a few added scenes; Lecter enjoying the symphony with the exception of the violinist; experiencing one of Lecter's sinfully delicious dinner parties of the music council with the violinist as the main course; seeing the tete-a-tete played out between Lecter and Graham (Edward Norton) that nearly cost them both their lives.

Dolarhyde's (Ralph Fiennes) abusive childhood is explored, the motivation for his heinous crimes against families. We see more of the relationship between Dolarhyde and Reba (Emily Watson) and Dolarhyde's struggle to keep the monster at bay. Ted Tally wrote the screenplay (he wrote The Silence of the Lambs screenplay and passed on the Hannibal screenplay); he has a great sense of what is essential to the narration of a well conceived movie, without loosing too much of the original story told by Thomas Harris.

I am partial to Red Dragon over Manhunter for that reason; I love Ralph Feinnes portrayal of Dolarhyde; he's creepy without being overtly creepy like Noonan is in Manhunter. Anthony Hopkins plays Hannibal Lecter beautifully as he always does. There are a few flaws in this version though, namely Edward Norton's portrayal of Will Graham. I love Norton – I just think he was wrong for the part and the bleached blonde hair drove me mad. I also have issue with Harvey Keitel as Jack Crawford, I just didn't get an FBI Special Agent in charge of the Behavioral Science Unit vibe from him. Keitel is the guy you bring in to rough up your suspect. On the plus side, the crime scenes are more graphic than in Manhunter, which I feel is essential to understanding the severity of the need to capture this fiend, because now he has a taste for it and he will not stop!

Interesting Fact: Dino De Laurentiis had to make a deal with MGM, so the shot of The Baltimore State Hospital building used in The Silence of the Lambs, could be used in Red Dragon, as the building had been demolished.

Dinner

Appetizer

In this course we are treated to petite, rich tasty morsels of Hannibal Lecter,

both of the hot and cold variety.

The Silence of the Lambs: Thomas Harris, 1988

The follow up novel to Red Dragon, Harris' third novel, Lecter was not a character Harris intended to use; he just showed up one day as Harris wrote. The Silence of the Lambs was the story of a young female FBI agent in training; female agents were a relatively new concept at Quantico. J. Edgar Hoover had died in 1972 and the FBI slowly started to drag itself into the modern age and out of the Mafia/Prohibition dark ages that it was founded on. Harris' story of Clarice Starling was an exploration of an agent in training along with a manhunt, headed by Jack Crawford, for a serial killer, only known as “Buffalo Bill”; who abducted girls, held them hostage for a few days; shot them in the heads, dumped their bodies in rivers; having partially skinned them post mortem. The FBI is stumped, they have no motive, no pattern and no connections between the victims. What should they do? Crawford sends Clarice Starling, an agent in training to interview Dr. Hannibal Lecter.

The Silence of the Lambs: Directed by Jonathan Demme, 1991

As I previously mentioned, Dino de Laurentiis passed on acquiring the movie rights for The Silence of the Lambs; the rights ended up in the hands of Demme and Orion Films, without a fee paid to De Laurentiis. The screenplay was written by Ted Tally, who managed to highlight all the important aspects of the novel, creating a balanced story. The movie starred Jodie Foster (Clarice Starling), Glenn Scott (Jack Crawford), Anthony Heald (Dr, Frederick Chilton), Ted Levine (Jame Gumb/Buffalo Bill) and Anthony Hopkins (Hannibal Lecter),

Interesting Fact: Anthony Hopkins on screen performance of Hannibal Lecter, consisting of only sixteen minutes earned him an Oscar for Best Actor in 1992.

Entree

This course is a hearty and meaty dish of Hannibal Lecter, served with delicate red sauce.

Hannibal: Thomas Harris, 1999

Would Harris write another Lecter novel? As we eagerly waited to see – making us wait 10 long years, Harris' reward was Hannibal; a story centred around Dr. Hannibal Lecter. I think many people weren't prepared for the monster to be uncaged. It was bloodier and gorier than the previous two films and quite sadistic. Manhunter and The Silence of the Lambs were considered psychological thrillers with a dollop of horror. Hannibal was a full on horror novel with a dollop of psychological thriller. Dr. Hannibal Lecter was free of his cage, just in-time for the new millennium and some readers were not happy.

When the novel, Hannibal, was released, many critics and readers were appalled by the goriness of it (we are talking about a man who kills people and eats them). I guess once the layers of the onion were peeled away; culture, music, art, culinary skills, courteousness – they were horrified by the monster at the centre – that was the point. Serial killers show society a veneer of acceptable personality traits; they keep the monster hidden away, until he breaks through and comes out to play. In that sense, the novel Hannibal, is spot on. He's your neighbour, your friend, your husband, your father, your brother and sometimes your son (The majority of serial killers are male, sorry guys). He wears a symbolic mask in public, to prevent you from guessing how sick and perverted he truly is.

Harris' novel, Hannibal, was the perfect GOTCHA moment! Harris had led us into a false sense of security; either intentionally or unintentionally, with Lecter's intro in Red Dragon; sure he tells Francis Dolarhyde to kill Graham's family – In The Silence of the Lamb; Lecter is so helpful trying to advance Clarice Starling's career; sure he kills several people while escaping from custody; we'll just chalk that up to acceptable carnage.

We start to rationalize that Lecter can't be all bad; he must have some redeeming qualities: he's a man of sophisticated tastes; he's knowledgeable; an incredible chef; a great musician and artist. We don't even mind knowing that he dined on Dr. Chilton, upon his escape; possibly thinking Chilton had it coming.

Harris let us peek briefly behind the curtain in Red Dragon and The Silence of the Lambs and perhaps Harris was dismayed to learn that upon the popularity of Hopkins portrayal of Hannibal Lecter; he'd become a pop culture icon and somewhat of a hero. Hannibal shattered that illusion.

We find Clarice Starling, 10 years later, working as an FBI Special Agent, in a stagnate career. She can't advance; being blocked by Paul Krendler.

Hannibal has been living in Florence as the curator of the Palazzo Capponi as Dr. Norman Fell (the real Dr. Fell disappeared under mysterious circumstances). Florence, Italy, the ideal spot for Lecter, a true Renaissance man. We discover there has been a string of murders by the fiend, know as Il Mostro.

Meanwhile, Mason Verger, Lecter's 4th victim, is on the hunt for Dr. Lecter, who left Mason disfigured, although technically by Mason's own hand. Verger has offered a $3,000,000 reward for information leading to the capture of Dr. Hannibal Lecter.

Interesting Fact: Thomas Harris attended the trial of The Monster of Florence, Pietro Pacciani, in 1994, incorporating some of the aspects of the crimes into his Hannibal novel and hinting that Hannibal himself was Il Mostro (The Monster of Florence).

Hannibal: Directed by Ridley Scott, 2001

If some readers were unhappy with the novel, there were those unhappy about the production of a movie in the same vain. Ted Tally didn't want to write the screenplay, Foster didn't want to reprise her role as Starling and Demme wasn't interested in directing. The consensus was it was too graphic and gory and they wanted no part of it; a complete turnaround; they initially were chomping at the bit to be involved in the follow-up to The Silence of the Lambs.

Interesting Fact: Dino De Laurentiis was under the impression that given a good story even he could play Clarice Starling.

The extra dinner course you never needed; you were already full.

Hannibal Rising: Thomas Harris, 2006

From all accounts that I've read, Harris was gently coerced into writing Hannibal Rising. Dino De Laurentiis wanted an origin story to turn into a film and he'd do it with or without Harris. Harris eventually caved and produced the fourth Lecter novel, Hannibal Rising.

Harris uses the hardships of WWII as the starting backdrop for the development of young Lecter's transformation into “Hannibal the Cannibal”. This is perhaps a story that never needed to be told. We were given glimpses in the novel Hannibal that never made it into the movie and perhaps that was a mistake; not seeing the humanity in Hannibal before events unfolded to create a monster and he is a monster, however refined his tastes are. It would have made a good contrast to the harshness of Lecter's grotesque and sadistic actions in Hannibal; that's where a good screenplay, might have made a difference. Francis Dolarhyde, Jame Gumb and Hannibal Lecter weren't born evil, they were shaped and moulded by their harsh experiences as young, innocent, impressionable children. Monsters aren't born, they are made – the moral of the stories. The difference being Hannibal always took responsibility for his actions, never placing the blame at someone else’s feet.

Hannibal Rising: Directed by Peter Webber, 2007

This time Harris would be involved, writing the screenplay for the Hannibal Rising movie. While I enjoyed Gaspard Ulliel as a young Hannibal, I felt that the story was unnecessary.

And just when you thought that was all and Hannibal Lecter's story had been narrated from beginning to end; Lecter was resurrected in 2013 for Bryan Fuller's TV Series, titled Hannibal, for three seasons on NBC.

Dessert

A delicate balance of psychiatry, culinary skills, food porn, relationships, sex, beauty, horror

and murder tableaus, like the layers of a sinful Double Chocolate Torte.

Hannibal TV Series: Developed by Bryan Fuller, 2013-2015

I know what you're going to say; there's no way I'm watching a Hannibal TV show without Hopkins on NBC! Whether your a Cox fan or a Hopkins fan; they both played the part in their own style and both performances are top notch. Hopkins had a little more to sink his teeth into with The Silence of the Lambs; as the screen time was slightly longer than in Manhunter.

I was stubborn too! I didn't watch Hannibal during the originally airing for season one or two. I remember catching a glimpse of an episode as I was on my way out to photograph a band; I was a live music photographer for around three years, so many of my Friday nights were spent in Toronto. It was the episode with the horse and the coffin-birth, which ultimately left an impression. So in January 2015 I binge watched season one and two (26 episodes) in only two days; I couldn't stop watching!

There's been a string of missing girls attributed to one person, known as “The Minnesota Shrike” and the FBI are struggling for leads. Upon the eighth girls disappearance, Jack Crawford (Laurence Fishburne) walks into Will Graham's (Hugh Dancy) classroom to request his help. Graham has the unique ability to empathize with narcissits and sociopaths and as he states, it has less to do with a personality disorder and more to do with an active imagination. Dr. Bloom expresses her concerns to Jack Crawford about using Will Graham for his special gifts and recommends keeping an eye on him; suggesting a colleague of hers, Dr. Hannibal Lecter.

Bryan Fuller's adaption uses Red Dragon as the main source material, with additional material from Hannibal and Hannibal Rising; expanding characters stories and switching some genders to give it a less male dominated cast. Characters like Margot Verger, who were left out of the Hannibal movie are slotted back in to give the Mason Verger story more substance. Cordell, Verger's valet and cook, is far cheekier in the TV series. Dr. Alan Bloom is transformed into Dr. Alana Bloom and Freddy Lounds, once played by the amazing Philip Seymour Hoffman becomes Freddie Lounds played by Lara Jean Chorostecki, who plays her less sleazy and yet still despicable.

Interesting Fact: Bryan Fuller incorporated some of the forward written by Harris in Red Dragon about his experience writing the novel.

Whipped Fresh Creme & a Cherry On-top!

Hannibal Fan Fiction

Season 3 of Hannibal ends on a cliff hanger and unfortunately NBC cancelled the show without a resolution. Not to worry, there is a buffet of Hannibal Fan Fiction out there for you to sink your teeth into. Hannibal fan fiction spans the spectrum of General Audience to NC-17 to pornographic; there is something to suit everyone's taste. If you don't find anything pleasing; you can always write your own fan fiction!

Interesting Fact: Some of the cast members have read Hannibal fan fiction.

Hannibal Fan Art

The amazing thing about the Hannibal fandom, whether you're old school or new school; there is incredible artwork to explore created by incredibly talented artists.

Interesting Fact: Bryan Fuller and the De Laurentiis Company are not dicks about copyright infringement, when it comes to fan art and fan fiction.

Hannibal Conventions

Red Dragon Con by Starfury: An all Hannibal Con in London, England.

Fannibal Fest: An all Hannibal Con with location tours in Toronto, Canada.

Sofa-Con by Fannibal Fest: Due to the lock-down situation around the world because of Covid-19 all conventions were cancelled in 2020. Fannibal Fest set of some Zoom meetings with guests that starred or worked on Hannibal.

There are several Hannibal fandom groups all over different parts of the world; who meat-up to dine and discuss their favourite topic, Hannibal. I am part of a GTA Fannibal group that centres around Toronto, Canada and we’ve met several times.

So, as we finish our dining experience with Dr. Hannibal Lecter; we'll eagerly anticipate another invitation to Lecter's dinner table, as a guest or if you're unspeakably rude, perhaps you'll be the main course; either way I'll meet or eat you there!

Shannon L. Christie

aka Hannibal_Obsessed

[aaronmaurer]

TV I Liked in 2020

Every year I reflect on the pop culture I enjoyed and put it in some sort of order.

Was there ever a year more unpredictably tailor-made for peak TV than 2020? Lockdowns/quarantines/stay-at-home orders meant a lot more time at home and the occasion to check out new and old favorites. (I recognize that if you’re lucky enough to have kids or roommates or a S.O., your amount of actual downtime may have been wildly different). While the pandemic resulted in production delays and truncated seasons for many shows, the continued streaming-era trends of limited series and 8-13 episode seasons mean that a lot of great and satisfying storytelling still made its way to the screen. As always, I in no way lay any claims to “best-ness” or completeness – this is just a list of the shows that brought me the most joy and escapism in a tough year and therefore might be worth putting on your radar.

10 Favorites

10. The Right Stuff: Season 1 (Disney+)

As a space program enthusiast, even I had to wonder, does the world really need another retelling of NASA’s early days? Especially since Tom Wolfe’s book has already been adapted as the riveting and iconoclastic Philip Kaufman film of the same name? While some may disagree, I find that this Disney+ series does justify its existence by focusing more on the relationships of the astronauts and their personal lives than the technical science (which may be partially attributable to budget limitations?). The series is kind of like Mad Men but with NASA instead of advertising (and real people, of course), so if that sounds intriguing, I encourage you to give it a whirl.

9. Fargo: Season 4 (FX)

As a big fan of Noah Hawley’s Coen Brothers pastiche/crime anthology series, I was somewhat let down by this latest season. Drawing its influence primarily from the likes of gangster drama Miller’s Crossing – one of the Coens’ least comedic/idiosyncratic efforts – this season is more straightforward than its predecessors and includes a lot of characters and plot-threads that never quite cohere. That said, it is still amongst the year’s most ambitious television with another stacked cast, and the (more-or-less) standalone episode “East/West” is enough to make the season worthwhile.

8. The Last Dance (ESPN)

Ostensibly a 10-episode documentary about the 1990s Chicago Bulls’ sixth and final NBA Championship run, The Last Dance actually broadens that scope to survey the entire history of Michael Jordan and coach Phil Jackson’s careers with the team. Cleverly structured with twin narratives that chart that final season as well as an earlier timeframe, each episode also shifts the spotlight to a different person, which provides focus and variety throughout the series. And frankly, it’s also just an incredible ride to relive the Jordan era and bask in his immeasurable talent and charisma – while also getting a snapshot of his outsized ego and vices (though he had sign-off on everything, so it’s not exactly a warts-and-all telling).

7. The Queen’s Gambit (Netflix)

This miniseries adaptation of the Walter Tevis coming-of-age novel about a chess prodigy and her various addictions is compulsively watchable and avoids the bloat of many other streaming series (both in running time and number of episodes). The 1960s production design is stunning and the performances, including Anya Taylor-Joy in the lead role, are convincing and compelling.

6. The Great: Season 1 (hulu)

Much like his screenplay for The Favourite, Tony McNamara’s series about Catherine the Great rewrites history with a thoroughly modern and irreverent sensibility (see also: Sofia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette). Elle Fanning brings a winning charm and strength to the title role and Nicholas Hoult is riotously entertaining as her absurdly clueless and ribald husband, Emperor Peter III. Its 10-episodes occasionally tilt into repetitiveness, but when the ride is this fun, why complain? Huzzah!

  5. Dispatches From Elsewhere (AMC)

A limited (but possibly anthology-to-be?) series from creator/writer/director/actor Jason Segal, Dispatches From Elsewhere is a beautiful and creative affirmation of life and celebration of humanity. The first 9 episodes form a fulfilling and complete arc, while the tenth branches into fourth wall-breaking meta territory, which may be a bridge too far for some (but is certainly ambitious if nothing else). Either way, it’s a movingly realized portrait of honesty, vulnerability and empathy, and I highly recommend visiting whenever it inevitably makes its way to Netflix, or elsewhere…

4. What We Do in the Shadows: Season 2 (FX)

The second season of WWDITS is more self-assured and expansive than the first, extending a premise I loved from its antecedent film – but was skeptical could be sustained – to new and reinvigorated (after)life. Each episode packs plenty of laughs, but for my money, there is no better encapsulation of the series’ potential and Matt Berry’s comic genius than “On The Run,” which guest-stars Mark Hamill and features Laszlo’s alter ego Jackie Daytona, regular human bartender.

3. Ted Lasso: Season 1 (AppleTV+)

Much more than your average fish-out-of-water comedy, Jason Sudeikis’ Ted Lasso is a brilliant tribute to humaneness, decency, emotional intelligence and good coaching – not just on the field. The fact that its backdrop is English Premier League Soccer is just gravy (even if that’s not necessarily represented 100% proficiently). A true surprise and gem of the year.

2. Mrs. America (hulu)

This FX miniseries explores the women’s liberation movement and fight for the Equal Rights Amendment in the 1970s and its opposition by conservative women including Phyllis Schlafly. One of the most ingenious aspects of the series is centering each episode on a different character, which rotates the point of view and helps things from getting same-y. With a slate of directors including Ryan Bowden and Anna Fleck (Half-Nelson, Sugar, Captain Marvel) and an A-List cast including Cate Blanchett, Rose Byrne, Uzo Aduba, Sarah Paulson, Margo Martindale, Tracey Ulman and Elizabeth Banks, its quality is right up there with anything on the big screen. And its message remains (sadly) relevant as ever in our current era.

1. The Good Place: Season 4 (NBC)

It was tempting to omit The Good Place this year or shunt it to a side category since only the final 4 episodes aired in 2020, but that would have been disingenuous. This show is one of my all-time favorites and it ended perfectly. The series finale is a representative mix of absurdist humor and tear-jerking emotion, built on themes of morality, self-improvement, community and humanity. (And this last run of eps also includes a pretty fantastic Timothy Olyphant/Justified quasi-crossover.) Now that the entire series is available to stream on Netflix (or purchase in a nice Blu-ray set), it’s a perfect time to revisit the Good Place, or check it out for the first time if you’ve never had the pleasure.

5 of the Best Things I Caught Up With

Anne With An E (Netflix/CBC)

Another example of classic literature I had no prior knowledge of (see also Little Women and Emma), this Netflix/CBC adaptation of Anne of Green Gables was strongly recommended by several friends so I finally gave it a shot. While this is apparently slightly more grown-up than the source material, it’s not overly grimdark or self-serious but rather humane and heartfelt, expanding the story’s scope to include Black and First Nations peoples in early 1800s Canada, among other identities and themes. It has sadly been canceled, but the three seasons that exist are heart-warming and life-affirming storytelling. Fingers crossed that someday we’ll be gifted with a follow-up movie or two to tie up some of the dangling threads.

Better Call Saul (AMC)

I liked Breaking Bad, but I didn’t have much interest in an extended “Breaking Bad Universe,” as much as I appreciate star Bob Odenkirk’s multitalents. Multiple recommendations and lockdown finally provided me the opportunity to catch up on this prequel series and I’m glad I did. Just as expertly plotted and acted as its predecessor, the series follows Jimmy McGill/Saul Goodman on his own journey to disrepute but really makes it hard not to root for his redemption (even as you know that’s not where this story ends).

Joe Pera Talks With You (Adult Swim)

It’s hard to really describe the deadpan and oddly soothing humor of comedian Joe Pera whose persona, in the series at least, combines something like the earnestness of Mr. Rogers with the calm enthusiasm of Bob Ross. Sharing his knowledge on the likes of how to get the best bite out of your breakfast combo, growing a bean arch and this amazing song “Baba O’Reilly” by the Who – have you heard it?!? – Pera provides arch comfort that remains solidly on the side of sincerity. The surprise special he released during lockdown, “Relaxing Old Footage with Joe Pera,” was a true gift in the middle of a strange and isolated year.

The Mandalorian (Disney+)

One of the few recent Star Wars properties that lives up to its potential, the adventures of Mando and Grogu is a real thrill-ride of a series with outstanding production values (you definitely want to check out the behind-the-scenes documentary series if you haven’t). I personally prefer the first season, appreciating its Western-influenced vibes and somewhat-more-siloed story. The back half of the second season veers a little too much into fan service and video game-y plotting IMHO but still has several excellent episodes on offer, especially the Timothy Olyphant-infused energy of premiere “The Marshall” and stunning cinematography of “The Jedi.” And, you know, Grogu.

The Tick (Amazon Prime)

I’ve been a fan of the Tick since the character’s Fox cartoon and indie comic book days and also loved the short-lived Patrick Warburton series from 2001. I was skeptical about this Amazon Prime reboot, especially upon seeing the pilot episode’s off-putting costumes. Finally gaining access to Prime this year, I decided to catch up and it gets quite good!, especially in Season 2. First, the costumes are upgraded; second, Peter Serafinowicz’s initially shaky characterization improves; and third, it begins to come into its own identity. The only real issue is yet another premature cancellation for the property, meaning Season 2’s tease of interdimensional alien Thrakkorzog will never be fulfilled. 😢

Bonus! 5 More Honorable Mentions:

City So Real (National Geographic)

The Good Lord Bird (Showtime)

How To with John Wilson: Season 1 (HBO)

Kidding: Season 2 (Showtime)

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt: Kimmy Vs The Reverend (Netflix)

[wazafam]

The American black comedy crime thriller A Simple Favor was released in 2018, and its cast members in it are extremely recognizable. The film, directed by Paul Feig from a screenplay written by Jessica Sharzer, is a suspenseful story based on the 2017 novel of the same name, written by Darcey Bell. The movie stars Blake Lively and Anna Kendrick in the main roles, among other notable actors in supporting roles. The plot centers on a small-town video blogger who attempts to solve the mystery behind her friend's disappearance.

A Simple Favor was released by Lionsgate, and the movie garnered critical praise upon its theatrical release. Most critics praised the chemistry of the ensemble cast, and also wrote enthusiastically about the movie's shocking plot twists and turns. The film ended up making $5.9 million on its first day alone, and grossed a total of $97 million worldwide, on a budget of only $20 million.

Related: The Equalizer 2021 Cast & Character Guide

Indeed, the movie has an impressive cast led by its main stars, Blake Lively and Anna Kendrick. Henry Golding, Andrew Rannells, and Linda Cardellini are some of the supporting cast members, as well as Jean Smart, Rupert friend, Eric Johnson, and Dustin Milligan, among other actors.

Blake Lively takes on the role of Emily Nelson, Hope McLanden, and Faith McLanden in A Simple Favor, and her character's life is the most interesting part of the film. Viewers know Lively from teen movies The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, Accepted, Simon Says, and other early-aughts flicks. Later, she appeared in movies ranging from New York, I Love You to The Town to superhero flick Green Lantern, which she starred in alongside her future husband Ryan Reynolds. In more recent years, Lively has appeared in The Age of Adaline, The Shallows, Café Society, and All I See Is You.

Following her success with A Simple Favor, Lively starred in the movie The Rhythm Section in 2020 alongside actors Jude Law and Sterling K. Brown. The movie follows a grieving woman who goes on a destructive path for revenge after learning that the plane crash that killed her family was actually a terrorist attack. To date, that is Lively's most recent role. From 2007 - 2012, of course, Lively starred as Serena van Der Woodsen in the hit show Gossip Girl, for which she won several accolades.

Like Lively, actress Anna Kendrick, who portrays Stephanie Smothers in A Simple Favor, has been working in Hollywood for several years. She first became a familiar face for her role as Jessica Stanley in the Twilight movies. Following the franchise's end, Kendrick began to take on different roles. She played Natalie Keener in Up In The Air, Janet Taylor in End of Watch and voiced Courtney Babock in ParaNorman. In 2012, Kendrick reached full stardom for playing Becca Mitchell in the popular movie Pitch Perfect. After that, Kendrick appeared in a slew of movies from 2013 until A Simple Favor in 2018, including  What to Expect When You're Expecting, Drinking Buddies, Cake, Into the Woods, the two Pitch Perfect sequels, and The Accountant. She also appeared in the movies Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates and voiced a character in Trolls.

Related: The Shallows Behind The Scenes: How Filming Injured Blake Lively

Following her turn as Stephanie in A Simple Favor, Kendrick played Kendra Glack in the 2019 movie The Day Shall Come and portrayed Noelle Kringle in the holiday movie Noelle, released the same year. She also reprised her role in Trolls for the movie's 2020 sequel.

Andre Rannells, who plays Darren in A Simple Favor, began his career in television. He voiced characters on children's shows, like Pokémon and Yu-Gi-Oh!, as a kid, and the early aughts also saw his break into theater. He had numerous roles on the stage, and in 2011 played Elder Kevin Price in The Book of Mormon as an original cast member. From 2014 - 2018, he also had roles in Hedwig and the Angry Inch, Hamilton, Falsettos, and The Boys in the Band.

Related: Disney+ & HBO Max Already Have One Thing In Common: Anna Kendrick

Rannells became a familiar face on the screen when he joined the cast of Girls from 2012 - 2017, playing Elijah Krantz in 35 episodes. This role led him to other television parts, including Bryan Collins in The New Normal and Frazier H. Wingo in The Knick, as well as guest appearances in hit shows like How I Met Your Mother and Glee. He also had voice roles in the shows Sofia the First, Welcome to the Wayne, and Vampirina. Most notably, in 2017 Rannells joined the cast of Big Mouth. He continues to play that role into 2021, as well as continues to make occasional guest appearances on other shows. In terms of film — Rannell's most recent roles were in the 2020 films The Boys in the Band, The Prom, and The Stand In. And before appearing in 2018's A Simple Favor, he had parts in 2016's Why Him? and 2015's The Intern.

Linda Cardellini plays the part of Diana Hyland in A Simple Favor. Cardellini first became a household name in 1999, when she starred as Lindsay Weir in the cult television series Freaks and Geeks. That wasn't her first time in a series, though; throughout the late 1990s, she appeared in shows like Bone Chillers, 3rd Rock from the Sun, Clueless, Step by Step, Promised Land, Kenan & Kel, and Boy Meets World, among other programs.

Post-Freaks and Geeks, Cardellini continued her career in TV, appearing as Samantha Taggart in ER as Bliss Goode and Shelly in The Goode Family. She also had turns in popular shows like Gravity Falls, Mad Men, and New Girl, and took on the serious role of Meg Rayburn in 2015 for 33 episodes of Bloodline. In 2019, Cardellini began portraying Judy Hale in the Netflix series Dead to Me, opposite Christina Applegate.

Related: Why Freaks and Geeks Was Cancelled After One Season

Of course, many movie watchers know Cardellini's likeness from feature films. She appeared as Chutney Wyndham in Legally Blonde, and famously portrayed Velma Dinkley in Scooby-Doo and its sequel. Cardellini also had parts in Brokeback Mountain, The Lazarus Project, Kill the Irishman, and Daddy's Home and its sequel. Superhero movie fans know Cardellini as Laura Barton, the wife of Clint Barton aka Hawkeye in Avengers: Age of Ultron and Avengers: Endgame. And Cardellini has also starred in critically acclaimed films like Green Book, in which she played Dolores. In 2020, Cardellini portrayed Mae Capone in the movie Capone.

Actor Henry Golding portrays Sean Townsend in A Simple Favor. Golding has been a presenter on BBC's The Travel Show since 2014. Today's movie watchers primarily know him for playing the role of Nick Young in the hit 2018 movie Crazy Rich Asians, for which he won a Teen Choice Award. He also took on the role of Tom in the recent 2019 romantic-comedy holiday flick Last Christmas. Some lesser-known movies Townsend has appeared in include Pisau Cukur, Monsoon, and The Gentlemen. His most recent project is Snake Eyes, which is in post-production. In addition to being a longtime host on BBC's travel show, Golding has hosted shows including Football Crazy, Welcome to the Railworld Japan, and Surviving Borneo.

Jean Smart, who played Margaret McLanden in A Simple Favor, is most known for playing Lana Gardner on the NBC sitcom Frasier - a role for which she won two Primetime Emmy Awards. She started her impressive acting career in both film and television in the late 1970s. Some of the notable movies she's appeared in include Piaf, Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey, Snow Day, Sweet Home Alabama, Garden State, Life As We Know It, The Accountant, and, most recently, Superintelligence.

Related: Blake Lively & Michiel Huisman Talk 'Age of Adaline' Science, Harrison Ford & More

Smart has also appeared in television shows other than Fraiser throughout her career. She voiced Helen Ventrix in an episode of Batman: The Animated Series, played Sally Brewton in three episodes of Scarlett, and played Elinore "Ellie" Walker for 13 episodes of High Society. She also gained recognition for playing Martha Logan, the First Lady, in the show 24, and for portraying Regina Newly in 35 episodes of Samantha Who? 

Smart was in numerous other television series up until her turn in A Simple Favor, and also appeared in small guest roles in popular shows like Halt and Catch Fire and The McCarthys. In more recent years, Smart portrayed Floyd Gerhardt in Fargo and Melanie Bird in Legion, as well as Arlane Hart in Dirty John, Mimi in Arrested Development, and series regular Agent Laurie Blake in Watchmen. 

Rupert Friend played Dennis Nylon in A Simple Favor. The actor began his career with the 2004 movie The Libertine. He first became a familiar face when he took on the role of Mr. Wickham in Pride & Prejudice. Throughout the early aughts he had several other significant roles, including Sandy Mardell in Outlaw and Demetrius in The Last Legion, as well as Lt. Kurt Kotler in The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas and Prince Albert in The Young Victoria. 

Related: Bridgerton: Every Pride And Prejudice Easter Egg & Reference

TV-wise, Friend is most known for portraying the character Peter Quinn in 58 episodes of Homeland. For his performance as Peter, Friend was nominated for numerous accolades. He also appeared in other shows since the end of Homeland, including Dream Corp, LLC, Strange Angel, and, most recently, Anatomy of a Scandal.

Eric Johnson as Davis: played Flash Gordon on the eponymous 2007 - 2008 television series, as well as Whintey Fordman on the show Smallville and Jack Hyde in the Fifty Shades franchise, among other roles.

Dustin Milligan as Chris: played Ethan Ward on the teen drama show 90210. Most recently, of course, the majority of television watchers know him as Ted Mullens from Schitt's Creek.

Bashir Salahuddin as Detective Summervile: appeared in the movies Snatched and Gringo, and since then has been in Marriage Story and The 24th. He's also known as a writer on Maya and Marty and for portraying Keith Bang on GLOW and Office Goodnight on South Side.

Kelly McCormack as Stacy: known for playing Zeph in the sci-fi show Killyjoys and for playing Betty Anne on the show Letterkenny. Most recently, she wrote, produced, and starred in the feature film Sugar Daddy.

Sarah Baker as Maryanne Chelkowsky: was previously in the movies The Campaign and Mascots, as well as shows like The Kominsky Method and Louie.

Melissa O'Neil as Beth: first gained fame for winning the third season of Canadian Idol in 2005. She's also known for her roles as Two/Rebecca/Portia Lin on the sci-fi series Dark Matter and as Officer Lucy Chen on the police drama show The Rookie.

Of course, viewers have probably seen these listed stars in other movies and TV shows, too. This is a non-exhaustive list of the films and shows that they are most likely recognized from. When all of these actors came together to work on 2018's A Simple Favor, it was a notable project. The movie was praised for its ensemble effort and continues to gain traction among movie watchers today.

Next: A Simple Favor Ending: Disappearance Reveal & The Many Twists Explained

A Simple Favor Cast Guide: Where You Recognize The Actors From from https://ift.tt/37f1O1L

[ladyknightleyisundercover]

Harry Potter and the Birthday Surprise

Happy birthday, Mr Potter, and thanks for giving me this community <3 | AO3

“Distract me,” Hermione muttered, and Ginny was amused to see, when she looked over, that she couldn’t look directly at her husband and daughter, playing together on the toy broom.

“Rose will be absolutely fine,” she promised. “There is nothing safer than these toy brooms. Plus, children bounce remarkably well.”

“Mummy, look!” Obediently, Hermione looked over at her daughter, who was beaming with pride as she zoomed around on the broom, completely oblivious to the fact that her father was holding on to its end with a vice-like grip.

“Oh, well done Rosie!” she cried. “Aren’t you so clever?”

“Look, Mummy, look! I going to fly alla way to MARS!” Rosie exclaimed.

“To Mars? Goodness me,” Ginny said. “How about, for a test run, you go all the way to the bottom of the garden for me, and take your cousin Jamie his sun hat?”

“Mmm...” Rose considered this, tilting her head to one side. “Okay!”

“Get Harry to make sure he’s keeping the kids in the shade—I don’t want a repeat of last year’s sunstroke episode with Ted,” Ginny said in a low voice to Ron, who picked up the hat. “Oh, and ask him when the first lot of sausages will be done. I’m absolutely starving.”

Ron promised to do so, and the two of them trundled off to the bottom of the garden, where Harry had set up his brand-new barbeque—a birthday present from Ginny and the kids—and was busying cooking for the whole family, who had come round to celebrate his birthday. “Only, I think Dad was more excited than he was about the barbeque,” she added to Hermione, having explained this. “He’s down there now, ‘helping’,” she put air quotes around the word, and Hermione laughed.

“He’ll be worse than the kids for keeping an eye on,” she said, and Ginny nodded ruefully.

“I’ve already prewarned Mum that if—” She broke off, aware of Harry barrelling towards them, a worried look on his face. “What’s wrong?” she called.

“The kids are with you,” he said, but it was clear that this was just wishful thinking. 

Ginny felt her heart begin to beat faster, and she saw Hermione sit up a little straighter.

“No, they’re with you,” she said firmly. “You took James, Al and Teddy down to help with the barbeque.”

“And they got bored inside thirty seconds because I wouldn’t let them anywhere near the flames,” Harry said, his voice very controlled. “So I told them to go up to you, and ask you to get the toy broom out. Twenty minutes ago.”

“I didn’t see them with anyone else,” Ron said, reappearing with Rose. “Everyone’s present and accounted for, but nobody else has seen them.” The garden was filled with Weasleys of assorted ages, the older ones of whom were now making their way over to them, looking concerned.

“No one will have been hurt, because we’d have heard the wailing,” Hermione said reassuringly. “And the only dangerous thing is the barbeque, which clearly they haven’t been near.” No one looked convinced by this, but, suddenly, Ginny got it. She knew exactly where they’d be: exactly where they weren’t supposed to be.

“It’s fine,” she said, before anyone can say anything else. “I know where they’ll be,” she added.

“Is everything okay?” Mum had arrived now, looking worried. “Ron said that Teddy, James and little Al had vanished?”

“It’s fine,” Ginny repeated. She looked over at Harry. “Come on,” she said to him. “Let’s go and dig ’em out. Don’t worry, everyone, I know just where they’ll have got to. Ron, can you go back to Dad, tell him everything’s fine, and to keep that barbeque going? We’ll be back in a moment, and we’re going to need all the food we can get, because, trust me, we’re not going to be getting any birthday cake...”

*

The previous night, she’d all but pushed Harry into the floo. She’d absolutely insisted that he go for pre-birthday drinks with Ron, as he’d arranged weeks ago, citing the fact that she needed to bake him a cake, wrap his presents, and get the children to sign his cards (or at least, Teddy would sign his card. James would probably manage it, with a few backwards letters, and Al would just scribble on his, but it was the thought that counted.) And it all needed to happen in secret, without him there.

Harry insisted that it did not, and that he should stay and help a clearly frazzled Ginny—the children had caught the birthday-excitement bug, and it wasn’t fair to leave her on her own with them. She, however, had absolutely insisted that he go—not because of the cake, presents, or cards, but because of something else, something which she did not, yet, want to name, in case she was wrong.

She’d only begun to suspect, earlier that week. She had hidden the test she’d picked up a day or two ago, but she hadn’t had time to take it yet. It was probable—likely!—that she was wrong, and there was no sense both of them getting their hopes up. Or so she told herself. She wanted to take it in secret, just in case she was wrong. And so she had to send him away, and birthday-prep was the ideal excuse.

In the end, she’d won (of course). Harry had gone to the pub with Ron, and the kids had signed their names in cards and ‘helped’ her wrap the presents and make the cake. She put Al to bed whilst it baked, but let James and Teddy stay up until she got it out of the oven and they’d ‘helped’ her cover it in chocolate frosting. She realised slightly later that this was a mistake—not because they’d done a bad job, but because the sight of cake just before bedtime was like when she got the catnip out in front of the cats. They were obsessed with it, and begged and begged to be allowed to try it, go on, just a tiny bit, pleeeeeeeeease.

In the end, she’d had to be quite firm, and there had, of course, been tears and sulking (“HORRID MUMMY!” James had pouted, as she’d placed it on a high shelf in the pantry). She’d absolutely forbidden them from touching it, packed them off to bed, then, on taking the test, promptly forgot all about the drama entirely.

Positive.

She was pregnant again.

Sitting in the on the edge of the bathtub, seeing the potion glowing, she’d felt the thrill of excitement run through her just as strongly as it had the previous times. She hugged the knowledge to herself, delighting in being the only one who knew for a few hours, but mostly, she couldn’t wait to tell her husband.

As Al grew, they’d discussed having a third, and had decided that they weren’t trying, but they weren’t not trying, either. They were perfectly happy with their family as it was, so if it didn’t happen, it didn’t happen, and that was great. But if it did—well. That would be great, too. But a few months had gone by with nothing, until, a week or so ago, she’d realised that she just had a feeling again. That was always how it started—no sickness, no cravings, no other symptoms just yet. Just a feeling. For someone who’d nearly failed Divination, it was maybe a bit inexplicable, but that was just how it was.

The potion said she was just about eight weeks, so they wouldn’t tell her parents or the rest of the family just yet, just in case. But she could not wait to tell Harry. She’d planned to tell him when he got back from the pub, but he was a little later than she’d thought he might be, and she’d fallen asleep downstairs (the exhaustion, too was one of her tell-tale signs, but, to be fair, she did have two children of her own and sometimes a Teddy to care for, so that wasn’t entirely surprising).

Harry had laughed at her, teasing that she’d been the one on the bottle that night, but she’d felt so groggy and disoriented, stumbling into bed, that she just hadn’t had the right moment to tell him. It did occur to her, though, that it would make a fantastic birthday present, so she decided to keep the news to herself for just a few more hours, having already safely hidden the test. In the morning, though, they’d been woken by three incredibly excitable children at five thirty and...well. Ginny wouldn’t have exchanged any of them for the world, but it did mean that she didn’t have a single moment to talk to Harry alone.

Before she knew it, it was time for the family to start arriving—they’d invited them all over for a barbeque, making the most of the glorious weather and the opportunity all the children had to run around together in the garden. And if Harry noticed she’d drunk nothing from the celebratory glass of champagne Fleur had been handing out to everyone, he hadn’t said anything.

She’d decided to tell him late that evening. Everyone would have gone home, James and Al would be in bed, and Teddy would be back with his Grandmother. It’d just be the two of them, on the sofa—maybe in the garden if the weather held. They could take their time together, and it would be perfect.

*

Now, striding across the lawn, she shared her theory with Harry. Not the baby one. The other one.

With all her own excitement, she’d forgotten about the children’s enthusiasm over the cake. Well, this wasn’t quite fair. She shouldn’t tar them all with the same brush: Al was fairly oblivious, happy to just toddle after his two older brothers cheerfully. James and Teddy, though. That was another story.

She couldn’t believe how much she’d dropped the ball. The signs were all there—their sneaky, gleeful, guilty expressions all morning; the way they stopped talking whenever she entered the room; the way they kept just ‘walking by’ the pantry, as though to check it was still there... Even the arrival of their cousins had barely registered.

But, between last night’s discovery, the early morning wake up call, sorting out her husband’s gifts from his children, getting everyone washed and dressed and breakfasted, cleaning the house in preparation for her family arriving, realising they didn’t have a clue how to work the new barbeque, and just general everyday madness, on top of the birthday excitement...well, she just hadn’t been as on it as she should.

So she shared (most of) this with Harry, briefly, as they made their way towards the house. “...and so I’d put all the gold in Gringotts on the fact that the three of them are in the pantry, trying to get to the birthday cake, ten percent because they want cake and ninety percent because I told them they weren’t allowed last night,” she finished.

“As a man trained in understanding the brains of criminal masterminds,” he replied, “I’d say you were absolutely right.” They reached the kitchen doorway, and he put a finger to his lips. She nodded, creeping in after him. The pantry was just off the kitchen, and angled so that, from the doorway, you can see in, but people inside can’t see out. This meant that Ginny and Harry got full view of the children (who had left the door open), but they couldn’t see them.

Which, in turn, meant that Ginny was able to summon the camera and silently take a picture for posterity, put it down, then turn back to her husband, who, like her, was trying not to laugh and not really succeeding. “Strict faces on?” she whispered.

“Naturally,” he said, wiping his expression clean. They advanced on the pantry.

“And what,” Ginny thundered, summoning her best impression of her own mother, “is going on here?!”

It was fairly obvious what was going on: Teddy and James had enlisted Al to help them get the cake, placing him on top of James’s shoulders, who was in turn on top of Teddy’s. The leaning tower of child was angled towards the highest shelf, on which lay the cake, but Al, who didn’t really have much of a clue what was going on, had gotten distracted with the spice rack. The endless shiny bottles and tubs, which make such a satisfying sound when you hit them, were enabling him to fully embrace his inner percussionist, and he was happy to whack a wooden spoon against them, gleefully making a huge racket, whilst his brothers implored him to get the cake, silly! C’mon Al! The cake!

On Ginny’s utterance, they all turned. Or rather, Teddy and James turned, both looking incredibly guilty, and Al cheerfully stayed where he was. So, of course, the two of them started wobbling like crazy, and it was immediately clear what was going to happen. Harry leapt in with a cushioning charm, and Ginny froze them where they were for an instant, and they righted James and Teddy before any harm could come to them, Harry picking up Al and putting him on his hip.

Unfortunately, the same could not be said of the spice rack, which came crashing down, landing straight on top of the birthday cake.

“Oops,” said Teddy, looking, for a moment, exactly like his mother had when she knocked something over.

“And just what,” Ginny asked, looking at the two of them and trying very hard not to laugh at their failed sneakiness, “did the two of you think you were playing at?!” Teddy, who knew he should know better, knew he should set a better example, stuttered and stammered guiltily, unable to answer.

It was James who piped up. “The cake,” he said, and his mother turned to him, raising an eyebrow. “The cake was very very lonely,” he explained. “You hid it away. It had nobody to play with. So we had to make sure it was okay.”

The phrase butter wouldn’t melt could’ve been invented for her eldest, and it wasn’t the first time she’d had to meet his gaze, trying to look severe, whilst only just managing not to laugh. Ginny suspected it wouldn’t be the last, either. So she was glad when Harry stepped in, doing the whole and weren’t you told not to precisely this? routine.

The two of them nodded guiltily—Al was completely unaware still, gumming the wooden spoon happily—and mumbled their apologies. “Is the cake okay?” Teddy asked. “Will everyone still get a piece?”

Ginny looked at it. Fortunately, she’d put so much chocolate buttercream on it that most of the spice jars had simply bounced straight off. They’d take some cleaning, but equally fortunately, she had another tub of the icing, and she could use it to fix the damage. It would be fine.

“I think I might be able to work some magic,” she said, still trying to look strict, and not think instead about what an adorable Christmas card photo this would make. “And everyone should still get a piece, yes.”

James tapped her arm. “Even us, Mummy?” he asked, big brown eyes staring up at her.

Ginny’s lips twitched. “I think the two of you should go and sit very quietly in the garden with Grandma Molly. And if you can manage that until it’s time to eat, I think, yes, you might still get some cake. But only if you’re very good boys!”

After they promising faithfully to be excellent boys, Harry took them off into the garden to explain the situation to everyone, who all thought it was very funny (though they didn’t tell James and Teddy that). Al, too young to know what he was doing really, was deposited with his Uncle Ron and cousin Rosie, who magnanimously allowed him to play on the broom, and Hermione and Grandma Molly promised to keep an eye on the other two, who knew when they were beaten.

Harry went back to the kitchen, to help Ginny with the cake rescue, but found she’d already completed it. “It could’ve been a lot worse,” she said cheerfully. “I had visions of us being up all night with three kids who were incredibly ill on a sugar overdose, having finished the entire thing off themselves. But it was just a bit of the buttercream that got rubbed off in the end, and I’ve fixed that, see? It might not be the best-looking birthday cake you’ve ever had, but it’ll certainly taste nice!” She gestured towards it, looking good as new on the kitchen table.

“You’re a genius,” Harry said, kissing her on the cheek. “Well done. But, look, I was thinking,” he turned serious for a moment, and she looked over at once. “This is precisely why we can’t have three. Far too many opportunities for trouble! And worse—they’ll outnumber us!”

It was absolutely, one hundred percent clear that he meant this as a joke. And Ginny absolutely, one hundred percent meant to respond with a similar joke. But then she hesitated for a fraction of a second too long, and realised that the perfect opportunity to do something, or tell someone something, didn’t present itself that often.

So she smiled a soft, secret smile, leaned in, and said, “Too late.”

It took him about point three of a second to understand her meaning, another point three of a second for his expression to change to one of complete and utter joy, and another point three for him to pick her up, whirl her around in the air and kiss her like he only ever has twice before.

“You’re sure?” he asked a moment later.

Ginny laughed. “Positive,” she said. “I started to think I might be pregnant again earlier this week, but I only managed to get the test a couple of days ago, and I took it whilst you were out at the pub last night. I was going to tell you then, but I was so sleepy, and then the kids this morning...well, anyway, the plan was to tell you tonight, but...I guess it slipped out early.”

Harry laughed too. “That’s...I’m...wow!” he manged. “How far along are you?”

“About eight weeks, though of course we’ll have to get in touch with St Mungo’s soon to confirm it,” she replied. “So I don’t want to tell anyone else yet, either.”

“Just in case,” Harry nodded, sobering slightly too. There’s a beat or two of silence.

“Still,” Ginny said, not managing to stop the huge grin spreading across her face.

“Best. Present. Ever,” Harry said, laughing.

“Happy birthday, Mr. Potter,” she said. “And congratulations on becoming a Dad again!”

Joyfully, Harry swept her up into his arms, embracing her. She pushed herself bodily towards him, feeling the familiarity of his warm arms, his chest, his body... They melded together, and leaned back together, and—

“Oh.”

Ginny, now wearing most of the incredibly flattened, totally ruined birthday cake across her back, swore mightily. “What are we going to do?!” she exclaimed, turning to her husband.

“Only one thing for it,” he said, catching her eye.

“...blame it on the kids, of course!”

[coalessscence]

one of my favorite worst things to Think About are the ways herb’s casually neglectful childhood sometimes just....surfaces in the every day world of his life now. and since his whole shtick is my childhood was perfect my father is basically god and i have absolutely no parent issues idk what ur talking abt, he winds up having to flail, having to learn on the way down, and try to keep up a cover that he knew all along. which, usually, doesn’t work, and just makes it all the more sad. here’s a few examples i’ve thought of because i don’t love myself:

someone around the station gets stuck with something metal and comments they might need a tetanus shot. herb was definitely never taken to the doctor’s for a checkup and regular vaccinations as a child, and since he works daytime hours lucille takes the kids while he’s at work, so he literally has never had a shot and he doesn’t fully understand what vaccines are, aside from cultural osmosis, so he asks in telling confusion, “what’s that supposed to mean?” @piper-aileen-lenox specifically, thnx for making me think of this and ruining my life xx

when herb and lucille moved in together (i imagine they were engaged but maybe not married just yet) lucille made it clear to her rather sexist fiance that she was expecting him to tow the line around the house just as much as her, which he agreed to, except when she asked him to do the grocery shopping thinking that was a harmless thing he could do (not like she’d trust him to actually get the dishes clean or fold her clothes so they don’t wrinkle). they almost never had food consistently in the house growing up and if they did eat full meals, they only had the food for THAT MEAL around because 1. herb sr. and ruby (herb’s parents) lived an erratic lifestyle of little to no money or a whole lot of money but only for a second because it was burning a hole in herb sr.’s pocket, and because 2. ruby quickly learned spending money on food ahead was pointless because either herb sr. hecked off somewhere w/o warning and it went bad, or his deadbeat friends hung around and ate it all, so she only bought for that day if they had the money for anything. but since no one was ever around to TEACH herb anything and he figured most things out on his own, herb doesn’t understand all this and he literally thinks you’re not supposed to by food until you run out or that you have to throw out whatever you have left at the end of the week because....... who knows ???? that’s just what he thought. it caused multiple arguments early into herb and lucille’s relationship before she figured it out and explained it to him because he didn’t know well enough to ask.

when herb and lucille’s first child, bunny, was born, he had to be shown how to hold a baby by the doctor. he had literally never held or even interacted with a baby before until that moment. he had no siblings (that he knew of), he had no friends as a child because if he wasn’t the bully he was the target and he was an ass just like dear old dad so no one liked him anyway, and he had 0 other family. lucille realized in that moment as she watched his palpable confusion when she extended their newborn child to him that he was going to have a lot of learning and growing to do. she hoped he was ready for it.

god that time there was a station fam barbecue early into herb’s wkrp career and someone, maybe mr. carlson, is like ‘WHO WANTS TO BE THE GRILL MASTER’ like its a big deal and everyone is like oh it has to be herb bc he’s the newest out of us and hes aware all the men see it as a status symbol and he CAN’T be less of a man than another man bc Ego (tm) so hes like of course im the grill master !!! and then panics for the next thirty minutes because he’s literally never even stood next to a grill let alone used one HOW DOES IT WORK the first fifteen minutes he doesnt even have the gas on rip

when herb was, like, 15, he taught himself how to drive a car because one of his “friends” (peers who was a bully that he called a friend and hung out with to stop also getting bullied but who was still bullying him anyway, herb was just brainwashed into thinking that’s what friendship is) wanted them to go out cruising and herb wanted to be a Cool Guy and not look like a chump so he lied and said he could drive. they got pulled over, because of course they did, and herb got in big trouble for you know, driving w/o a licences. the kicker though is that herb didn’t fucking know you can’t drive without a license or that licenses and road tests and drivers ed were even a THING because he literally raised himself and no one ever  t a u g h t   h i m   a n y t h i n g. anyways his dad got called home to deal with it from wherever he was away at at the time and he got in big trouble for interrupting dear old dad’s work anyways so :) what a healthy family

surprisingly, herb DID know how to cook the basics. grilled cheese, pasta, stir fries, a couple casseroles. lucille asked him about it because he was always such a Gender Roles (tm) type of man who wouldn’t even wear a brighter shade of red than like. maroon. in case it got loosely contaminated with the concept of the color pink and he’d have to change his name and move to alaska. so why was he doing a “ womans job “ (cooking) and herb just looked confused and said “what, guys don’t cook?” she told him that no, they usually didn’t and would have laughed at her if she tried to make them, and he laughed awkwardly and absently stirred the pot on the stove and shrugged in mild confusion. “that’s weird. if i didn’t cook i’d have... starved, i guess.”

the bad news is his cooking wasnt GREAT and lucille was happy to take over because again.........self taught. and he has one (1) brain cell so. not Great

LITERALLY DIDN’T KNOW ALL CLOTHES DON’T HAVE TO BE DRY CLEANED. his dad literally wore clothes that had to be dry cleaned Every Day (and we wonder why the tarlek family was short on the food budget god) (and they were ugly clothes too akdhfjfg) and ofc if ruby washed her clothes, it was while herb was at school. he dry cleaned so many clothes that do Not Make Sense to dry clean in college before he slowly figured that out.

did not know what an allowance was. bunny asked him for one and not willing to seem stupid to his swift daughter he told her to ‘ask her mother’, who thought it was hecking weird that her money obsessed husband would say that, so she asked him why and after several long minutes he just shrugged helplessly and said “what’s an allowance?”

don’t even get me started on herb and lucille planning their wedding ( ‘what kind of stuff should we put on the gift register?’ “put on the WHAT?”  ‘what are we going to put on top of the cake?’ “there’s gonna be CAKE?”  ‘i can’t wait for daddy to walk down the isle with me, it’ll mean a lot to him’ “your DAD is gonna walk you down the isle....?? but you’re marrying ME, right?”   ) also herb not knowing the wedding look of the bride is supposed to be a Secret and barging into the room w a question or smth while lucille and her bridesmaids are getting ready, and everyone is hella miffed and he’s like WHAT i’ve seen her naked before and theyre all like THATS NOT THE POINT HERB

herb did Not Know about seasonal allergies. he just........didn’t know. he just thought god hated him and every spring and fall his head sprung a leak. and the whole time he was growing up no one A. listened to him complain about them and put 2 and 2 together, nor B. just taught him about basic first aid stuff in general for that matter he doesnt know shit. anyways, then lucille was like why are you such a tough guy just stop complaining and take some medicine for your stupid allergies and he was like take some what for my what now

ANYWAYS herb’s mom left while he was v young and he doesn’t remember much about her. herb’s dad was literally   n e v e r   home. the people herb’s dad left him with would work for obscenely low amounts of pay or owed herb sr. money and largely used all the money for their own food, drugs, alcohol, or other more unsightly business, and left herb alone to fend for himself. this is the disaster human that that produced, thanks, family dynamics! don’t abandon your children, kids, thanks for coming to my ted talk

[letterboxd]

McCarthy.

“Give me a real character like Lee who’s complicated and irritating and smart.” Melissa McCarthy talks about her Oscar-nominated performance in the acclaimed true story Can You Ever Forgive Me?

In the media discussion building up to this year’s Academy Awards, the talking points have principally concerned decisions regarding the ceremony itself, leaving many of the nominated films somewhat overlooked in the conversation.

One triple-nominee very much worthy of discussion is Marielle Heller’s Can You Ever Forgive Me?, which received nominations for Best Adapted Screenplay (Nicole Holofcener & Jeff Whitty), Best Supporting Actor (the great Richard E. Grant) and Best Actress for Melissa McCarthy’s caustic and hilarious performance as real-life literary forger Lee Israel.

Based upon Israel’s memoir of the same title, Can You Ever Forgive Me? chronicles how the writer (of biographies of Estée Lauder and Tallulah Bankhead, among others) found herself out of favor and out of work in the ’90s New York literary world.

After discovering that letters by famous writers could be highly valuable to certain collectors, Israel took to forging correspondence by people like Dorothy Parker and Noël Coward, and selling the results via rare book stores.

In addition to profiting from the deception, the acerbic Israel also took considerable pride in her ability to capture her subjects’ trademark wit.

There aren’t many movies made about people like Lee Israel, and that’s what makes Can You Ever Forgive Me? so fascinating. The character fails all the obvious (and idiotic) “likability” standards that afflict many mainstream films: she’s an alcoholic misanthrope who lashes out at everyone around her. Yet she’s impossible to look away from, and we remain wholly invested in her throughout every bad decision.

Richard E. Grant co-stars in the film as Jack Hock, an acquaintance who becomes Lee’s friend, and eventually her collaborator, via their mutual affection for booze. More than one person has accurately observed that if you dim your eyes, Hock could easily be Withnail, thirty years later. His Oscar campaign has been one of the most gleeful joys of awards season, and a pleasing reward for an actor who was “told right from the get-go that I looked like a tombstone”.

Mostly taking place in a Manhattan of wood-lined taverns and fusty bookstores, and quietly celebrating some of the city’s longest lasting icons including Julius, the city’s oldest gay bar, Can You Ever Forgive Me? is a minor miracle of a film that represents a new level of achievement for McCarthy.

The Oscar nomination is not her first (she received a Best Supporting nod for Bridesmaids in 2012), but there’s a complexity to her performance here that makes it undeniably special.

Director Heller (The Diary of a Teenage Girl, and currently in production on the Tom Hanks biopic about Mr Rogers) joined McCarthy to discuss the film at a recent AFI event in Hollywood.

On what made Heller want to direct the film: Marielle Heller: I found Lee really refreshing. I feel like we have male [lead] characters who are assholes all the time and we find them to be the most interesting characters, and you never get to see women like that. And so there was something about her I just immediately went, ‘Yeah, we need more women like Lee’. Also, middle-aged women who kind of don’t fit into society’s norms. Childless, lesbian. She didn’t fit into the model of what we make movies about, and so I just thought there was something nice and radical to me about that. It shouldn’t be radical, but it felt really radical. There was something about the fact that her intellect and her work is so much more important than her appearance, that I loved. And that she’s genuinely the smartest person in every room, but no one gives her that credit.

Marielle Heller directs Melissa McCarthy on the set of ‘Can You Ever Forgive Me?’

On how McCarthy heard about the role: Melissa McCarthy: I had a very quick introduction to Lee. I heard about it first from my husband [Ben Falcone]. There was an earlier incarnation of the movie—movies fall apart all the time for a million different reasons—and my husband had a part in it, the part he ended up playing in this one [of a rare book dealer], and that’s how I read it. We read each other’s scripts and talked about it and after I read it I was like, ‘This is incredible, this is so good and why on earth don’t I know who Lee Israel is?’. I was disappointed with myself that I didn’t know about her.

On McCarthy’s response to the character as written: MM: I had a very strong reaction. I was at page twenty and I thought, ‘Oh I like her so much’. And then I had to stop and I went back through the first twenty pages, because I couldn’t figure out why. It was intangible. There’s no moment, there’s no speech. I started to fall in love with her, and that to me was the most exciting thing. I find her intriguing, challenging. I loved that she didn’t need someone else to validate who she was. Even when she is difficult, which is often. I respected her.

It also just made me think about being so talented at something and being told at 52, ‘You know, we don’t need you to do that anymore. You’re now obsolete.’ So as someone gets better and better and more experienced, the average thing is ‘Now you’re obsolete’. I just found that whole way of thinking so insane, that I thought, what would any of us do if we were pushed to that point? So the more she kind of conned and grifted, I found myself rooting for her.

On how she got into Lee’s headspace: MM: I read everything she wrote. I also listened to stories from people who actually knew Lee, and then there is a bit of conjuring. You just wanna do right by the people. The costume and wardrobe department were very important because I had no interest in looking like myself. I think it’s really freeing to get to walk around in other people’s shoes and I think that allows you to be braver and more vulnerable. It’s a very fantastic part of what I do, I think you get to be steadier or more empowered because it’s happening through someone else. It takes the pressure off of me.

I have a real fascination in what drives us all. What our quirks are. I don’t know any perfect woman, I don’t know how to play pleasant or blonde. Give me a real character like Lee who’s complicated and irritating and smart and all these things that when I look at someone, it makes you kinda fall in love with them. All my friends are nuts. They always need a qualifier like, ‘They’re actually great, just get to know them’. That’s why we love people. You don’t love people because they’re pleasant, you love them because they’ll talk too much or say the wrong thing, but they’ll show up at 3 o’clock when you don’t feel well and help you. It’s so rare that you get to play a woman like that. Those are the women that I know. They’re complicated and challenging.

On Jack and Lee’s friendship: MM: They were both so lonely. And it’s such a universal thing. I don’t know a human that hasn’t felt incredibly lonely and undervalued. We are all so lonely. I think everyone can feel that tether to those characters, and it’s why even though they shouldn’t have been friends, they needed each other.

On Melissa and Richard’s friendship: MH: Those two loved each other from the day they met in a way that was like, every director’s dream, because they showed up and immediately got along. Richard would show up on days he wasn’t filming and take Melissa to lunch. It was amazing because they were truly becoming friends on this movie and when we got to the scene where they were essentially breaking up, they had to hug each other afterwards because it was so painful.

On working alongside Richard E. Grant: MM: He’s so completely present as a person, and that certainly translates into his beautiful acting because he is 1,000% there. If you go this way, he goes with you. There’s just an ease to it. And we do sometimes these incredibly difficult scenes that were just heartbreaking, and then when we finished, we’d both become very silly and throwaway, which is really important sometimes when you’re shooting something that’s difficult. And then we’d go right back to it. I had such an ease working with him. I think we work in a very similar way. I think we fully commit, right or wrong, and trusted that Marielle is at the helm of a ship and she did it with complete authority and a complete lightness at the same time.

Richard E. Grant and Melissa McCarthy in ‘Can You Ever Forgive Me?’

On the benefits of having a female director: MM: Hands down it was fantastic. And I’ve been very fortunate to work a lot of wonderful male directors [who] also have a quote-unquote ‘feminine side’, my husband, Paul Feig, Ted Melfi, they all have a capacity to listen and be collaborative. I think with Mari, what always sticks in my head, there was never a moment where you didn’t feel completely guided. And the crew, you could see it, really felt like they were all part of this, we knew exactly what Mari’s vision is. And working in this kind of time frame, you need that cohesiveness, and you need someone—I think it’s more likely to happen with a female director—you need someone to do the right thing for the movie, instead of proving that they’re right. And there’s a big difference there. And when you get someone like Mari doing that, the world just falls into place.

On approaching a dramatic role versus a comedic role: MM: There’s absolutely no difference to me. If it’s comedy or drama, it doesn’t change for me at all, I think if it’s a straight comedy, I still try to find, or I’m least very interested in, like, what’s tragic about that person. Like, if they’re so overly pleasant and happy, why? What pain are they hiding? So I do the same thing, if someone’s really aggressive, what’s behind that? So I change nothing. Maybe you’re supposed to, but I don’t.

‘Can You Ever Forgive Me?’ is currently available on all the major streaming services. Reporting by West Coast Editor Dominic Corry.

[mr-mellow-dj]

I Never Kew

Cross Posted from FF dot net

As Beckett said she “believes in the everyday magic of life in … the way that I feel when I hear Coltrane”, this is from his album “Kenny Burrell & John Coltrane”. These vignettes come to mind when I hear the songs as played by John Coltrane.

This song is “I Never Knew.” You can hear the song as played by Coltrane, Burrell, Tommy Flanagan, Paul Chambers and Jimmy Cobb on YouTube.

watch?v=Nd03dS9oMD0

This song is by Ted Fio Rito and Gus Kahn. A version of it being sung by Frank Sinatra is also on YouTube.  

watch?v=3UfMojz2j0c

 Disclaimer: The characters are the property of Andrew W. Marlowe and ABC television. The lyrics are the property of their respective owners. No infringement is intended.

I never knew

That roses grew,

Or that skies were blue or grey.

I never knew,

When breezes blew,

What a Summer breeze could say.

A/N: A summer sometime in the future

“Mom!”

Kate looked up from her book to see the younger of the twins running toward her from the beach.

“Mom!” Reese said huffing after running. “Mom, we saw some. It was so cool.”

She looked over her 7 year old son’s shoulder to see her husband of 14 years jogging up with the other twin close behind. She looked back at her red faced son smiling.

“You saw some what?” She asked her son.

He responded in earnest, “Dolphins, just beyond where we swim to. There was a whole school of them.”

“Pod.” Kate corrected her son. “And how far out do you swim?”

“What?” Reese asked.

“Pod.” Kate answered.

“Pod what?”

“A group of dolphins is called a ‘pod’.” Kate answered.

By that time Castle and Jake had made it to her lounge chair. Castle leaned down, kissed her on the cheek and whispered in her ear, “You’re so hot when you use correct animal groupings.”

Smiling, she gently slapped his chest and said, “Little pitchers.”

Reese, looking between his parents, said, “What are ‘little pitchers’.”

Castle mischievously smiling at his wife turned to his son and said, “I’ll explain when you’re older.”

“Aww, I’m never gonna be older,” Reese whined as he turned and stomped off toward the house.

“Reese, come back please.” Her son still stomping away. “Now!”

He stops knowing that another step will get him into very hot water.

“How far out do you swim?” Kate asks as her mother hen sense goes on high.

Her son, grumbling comes back to his mother but doesn’t answer. He stands beside her chair head down and sighs.

She puts her hand under her son’s chin to look her in the eye.

“How far?”

“Only as far as dad lets us,” Reese smiled turning to his father.

Beckett turns to her husband, “And how far is that, Castle?”

Smiling back at his wife he says, “Not so far as I can’t get to them. And not ankle deep either. I let them explore their abilities without letting them get in too deep.”

“So that’s what dads do. Let their children explore their abilities, huh? Is that another way of saying dads or maybe a specific dad doesn’t pay attention when his kids are out in the ocean? Hmm, Castle?”

“No, it’s a way of saying that mothers smother their children keeping them from discovering the world,” Castle responds ending with a sweeping arm gesture.

“Channeling Martha I see,” Beckett teases.

“What?” Castle innocently asks.

“I don’t think so, Castle,” Kate continues. “No, another way of saying it is: mothers would kill fathers if anything ever happens to a hair on the head of their cubs. Capeesh?”

“Yep,” Castle responds.

“Okay,” Kate turns to her youngest children. “Reese. Jake. Go with your father to wash up. It’s getting close to lunch time. Mama’s hungry so you know what that means.”

“Ahhgg!” Reese yells running toward the house swinging his arms like a windmill. “Feed me Seymour!”

Jake follows close behind as their parents chuckle at the twins antics.

“You’re much cuter than Twoee.” Castle says leaning down and kissing his wife’s head.

“And I figure if anyone gets eaten, it would be me,” He continues waggling his eyebrows.

“Castle,” Kate says playfully slapping his legs. “That’s awful. Good thing little pitchers weren’t here to hear that.”

“What?” Castle said trying to keep an innocent face. “Just the facts, ma’am. Just the facts.”

Beckett rolled her eyes at him.

Castle continued, “I said nothing about whether I enjoyed it or not.” Whispering in her ear, “And believe me, I do.”

Standing up Castle held his hand out. “M’ lady.”

Beckett grasped his hand and pulled herself up. “Thank you, kind sir,” She said as she kissed his cheek and the pair followed their sons inside.

I never knew

That dreams came true

And took your cares away

I never knew

What love could do,

Until I met you today.

A/N: Another summer sometime further in the future

Castle sat down in the Adirondack chair on the back lawn at the Hamptons house and gazed over the ocean. The weekend had been a great success for him and his extended family.

The key members of the crew from the 12th had come by. Lanie and her husband and their 3 kids. Javi and his wife and theirs. Ryan and Jennie with Sarah Grace and her husband and Nick and his fiancée. Even retired Chief Gates and her husband had come.

Alexis had a flight to catch out of JFK back to Chicago so she left first. Lily, Reese and Jake were the last to leave. But all had left by mid-afternoon to try to beat some of the Sunday evening traffic back into the city. Beckett and Castle had ferried some of them to the nearby Long Island Railroad station. The rest were driving back.

Castle sat in the chair with the afterglow of a fun time with all his friends and family. Friends that liked him for being himself, Rick Rodgers, not the best-selling author, Richard Castle.

His brothers-in-arms still called him ‘Castle’ but his best-selling author fame or fortune weren’t why they were his friend, unless the Ferrari was involved. With age came the realization that they weren’t kids anymore that they didn’t need access to the mid-life crisis car, and that was emphasized the last time they tried to extract themselves from the seemingly lower than they remembered driver’s seat.  

He’d kept the Ferrari for ‘old time’s sake’ but hadn’t driven it in a couple of years. Kate drove it when they were out in the Hamptons but it mostly lay dormant in the garage.

Castle rides around the island with her occasionally remembering that sinfully short and tight midnight blue dress she wore while driving it during a case. If Beckett pushed him, he would give up that that was the only reason he kept the car.

He chuckled remembering all the fun times he had at the 12th.

“What’s so funny, Castle?” Asked Beckett.

“I never thanked him, you know,” Castle said to his wife of almost 30 years.

“Thanked who?” Beckett asked as she sat down in her husband’s lap. She wrapped her arms around his head and kissed him.

Still lost in thought, Castle answered. “I never thanked him.”

Kate pushed herself away so that she could see his face. She looked at Rick dumbfounded. “What are you talking about?”

“I never thanked him for his murders.”

“You never thanked him for killing people?” Kate asked. “Have you been in the sun too long?”

“Nope, never better,” Castle responded. “I’m feeling great right now. Great for being … uh, how old am I … 74 years old.”

“Ohhh kay,” Beckett said drawing out the ‘O’ and the ‘K’. “Who did you never thank? Jerry Tyson? Surely not William Bracken.”

“No. No. No.” Castle adamantly responded. “No. And never them. They’re ones that shouldn’t have seen the light of day. No. I’m talking about Harrison Tisdale. He’s the one I should be thanking.”

“So you never thanked Harrison Tisdale for what was it? Killing his sister and two other people? Castle, that doesn’t make any sense.”

“Yes it does,” Castle says. “It makes perfect sense.”

Beckett looked at him sideways as if to say “what crazy thought is he having now.”

Castle continues, “While it wasn’t perfect for his victims, it made my life perfect.”

Still looking at her husband, “Okay, I’ll bite. Why did it make your life perfect?”

Castle lovingly looks into Beckett’s eyes and says, “It actually made my dreams come true. Because if Harrison Tisdale hadn’t murdered his sister and two other people, making murder scenes look like those from my books, you would never had recognized them and come to my ‘Derrick Storm’ book launch party and arrested me. So probably we would never had met. That’s why I should thank him.”

“What about you always talking about ‘The Universe’? Saying that we were destined to be together. That we being together brought harmony to ‘The Universe’. What about that, hmm?”

Castle pondered for a moment. “You may have a point there, Beckett.”

Castle tapped his chin, thinking about what his wife said. “You know, though, sometimes ‘The Universe’ needs a little nudge to help it along. Tisdale did that.”

“A nudge, huh?”

“Yeah. Nudge. Prod. Push. Bump. Jolt. Yeah, nudge.”

Chuckling she continues, “Well thank you, Mr. Thesaurus.”

“I am a writer.”

With false surprise Beckett says, “You’re a writer? Who knew?”

“Mock all you like, Beckett. I feel like Rodney Dangerfield.”

Castle moves his left hand up to his neck as if to adjust an invisible necktie, “I never get any respect.”

“No respect, huh? Is that what you’re going with now?”

“Yes?” Castle answers sheepishly.

Standing up, Beckett says, “Well, now that the kids and friends are gone. I can think of something or maybe someone else that needs to be nudged. Prodded. Pushed.”

Castle stands up and wraps his arms around her waist, responding, “You do? Hmm, who could that be?”

“I don’t know. Maybe we should go upstairs and see what we can discover.”

“Discovery is nice,” Castle says. “Especially when it is the two of us discovering. Maybe some uncovering is involved?”

“I think that could be arranged,” Beckett responds, kissing her husband.

“Oh, goody,” Castle says rubbing his hands together.

“But not if you say ‘Oh, goody’ again.”

“Yes ma’am.”

Holding out her hand to him she says, “Come on. Let’s go inside.”

Grasping her hand in his he responds, “Beckett, I’d follow you anywhere.”

[educatorunitx-blog]

Research:

Research has been ongoing throughout unit X but began with exploration into arts role in education today. In academia, the number of creative subjects seem to be decreasing, I remember the feeling of disappointment when I was told my A Level textiles class would be the last, as the course was going to be removed from the collages curriculum. Yet surprisingly the future of jobs report (World Economic Forum) statistics suggest in 2020, creativity will be considered the 3rd most important skill by employers, compared to 10th in 2015. So why are students being deprived of creative learning? This deprivation is something that worries me as an art student because my passion for art is being belittled by the education system. 

Because it was something I’d never really thought about before; It was eye opening to reflect upon today’s economy, and recognise that due to technical advances humans are no longer required to perform certain skills as machinery can replace them and perhaps even out do them. Therefore, I find it so frustrating that in school’s children are pressured into academic learning or what you call core subjects, where absorbing and retaining information is key in order to pass a test. Without an emphasis on soft skills being taught in the arts, transferable skills that will be of great aid in today’s ever changing economic environment. In the interest of being an art educator this research has only furthered by ambition, because through teaching art I’d hope to facilitate children with those transferable skills employers seek, to improve their futures, changing the perception that subjects like Maths and English are the only ones of value. Recently I had a discussion with my grandparent about what she was taught at school. She told me there was an emphasis on life skills at the time, for example women were taught how to cook and do the laundry. As sexist as it may sound it was relevant to the time, in 1940′s women were relied to stay at home cook, clean whilst many husbands fought at war. So, what she learnt was significant to her life at the time unlike today, I would argue life skills are ignored, we are taught maths throughout school but not once are we taught cash handling in terms of saving, banking or the tax system: leaving us unprepared for the near future.

The only thing that concerns me is if no one challenges the importance of art the subject will get wiped from the curriculum completely, leaving creative educators out of work… Key thinkers like Ken Robinson (TED talk 2011) do challenge todays schooling system he proposes that art is just as important as literacy, he argues art provides students an opportunity to be innovate and to take chances and with being an art student myself I can agree. My art studio is a space where I can try, test and experiment and I am never penalised for being ‘wrong’ because of this I have learnt via problem solving if an idea doesn’t work out I try again.  

As well as thinking about why art is valued I have also researched teaching styles and methods. Learning about the 4 key teaching styles (tactile, sociological, auditory and visual) allowed me to consider the different ways in which people learn, and successfully incorporate them into my own teaching, for example during my Micro Teach (see Micro Teach Planning post to understand exactly how each style was incorporated into the session). I think it’s really important to be able to engage all types of learners as a group we discussed poor teaching methods we experienced as learners at the top of the list was reading directly from PowerPoints. By doing this most students switch off completely I like to get actively involved in the learning for example through making or at least discussion. The teachers I shadowed at Werneth High School during placement were excellent in balancing teaching styles. For example, the class would often start with an introduction that explained the aims of the lesson setting clear goal posts (Auditory), Mrs Holden would always include brief demonstrations (Visual/Tactile) rather than just telling the students what she expected from them she would show them, before asking the students questions, sparking discussion (Sociological) in order to clarify they knew what was expected from them. Overall most students engaged well with these methods despite a few that never got involved with the group discussion; As someone who is quite an introvert I can relate to this disengagement but perhaps Mrs Holden could have approached these students individually just to ensure they are comfortable with the lesson objectives.

 Towards the end of unit X we were invited to the “Most Likely to Succeed” film screening which summarised the importance of not only creative subjects but a teaching style that is based on skills, rather than retention of text book knowledge. It gave me insight to the Prussian education system a system that trained efficient workers as an organisational device rather than educational. Something I’d like to research further in order to devise to what extent that system is perhaps mirrored in today’s society. The film was a perfect end to unit X as it left me feeling so inspired and consolidated my decision to go on and become an educator. I am going to file all the research I have completed during educator for future reference, when it comes to applying for my PGCE next year as I think it would be beneficial to showcase my interest in interviews.

[thebeafeminist]

“It’s Time To Burn the Beret and Bury the Blue Dress”

Monica Lewinsky’s name carries the weight of a federal investigation, humiliation, and embarrassment, but it also represents feminism. The 22-year old White House intern was the center of attention when it was exposed that she had been engaging in sexual activity with the President of the United States, Bill Clinton. After the harsh waves of publicity and trials, Lewinsky chose to stay silent for years but then decided to speak out in hopes her fame and notoriety could change the world. Speaking out allowed Monica Lewinsky to share her experiences with others who felt alone in cyberattacks. Lewinksy also became a perfect spokesperson for the #MeToo and Time’s Up movements, by sharing how she, a vulnerable young woman, got tangled in a toxic power dynamic. Monica Lewinsky is a white woman who used her privilege and fame to bring importance to believe women’s narratives. Her self-transformation from an embarrassed 22-year old to a world-renowned speaker shining light on the problems that plague women in society is both notable and bold. 

The Clinton Affair, a documentary series that explained the whole Clinton-Lewinsky scandal in-depth, first prompted my adoration of Monica Lewinsky. My admiration grew when I followed her on Twitter, and even more so after reading her interviews; then she became a role model for me. Monica Lewinsky’s turbulent journey and articulation of her personal trauma gave clarity to millions of people around the world who suffered shame and bullying. 

Monica Lewinsky endured such terrible public humiliation that she suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder. To understand the depth and complexity of her story, we need to appreciate that she was in love with her boss, President Bill Clinton, and she divulged her most private secrets of their affair to her supposed friend and mentor. Some of these private details included their infamous sex act with a cigar in her vagina, a detail that was subsequently broadcast on talk shows around the world for months. Lewinsky’s confidant, Linda Tripp, recorded their private phone calls in hopes of disparaging President Clinton. Monica Lewinsky became a scapegoat in a politically charged scandal. Politicians used Lewinsky to bring down Clinton, disregarding not only Monica’s feelings but also her humanity. Tripp’s recorded telephone tapes were handed to the FBI to impeach Clinton, and 22-year old Monica was caught in the middle of America’s biggest scandal. Monica’s public humiliation brings clarity to current issues that surround cyberbullying, as well as the #MeToo and Time’s Up movements. 

 People didn’t see that Monica Lewinsky’s “consensual” relationship with the President was really a messy abuse of power. In this way, her story echoes the story “The Husband Stitch” by Carmen Machado, in which the concept of believing women is a fundamental theme. A scene in the short story shows the narrator at the supermarket, where she recalls seeing toes but then ends with her father promising she didn’t. “‘Why would Mr. Barns sell toes? My father asked…Being young and having no understanding of graveyards or mortuaries, I could not answer” (Machado 7). This moment reveals a female narrator defeated by her father and disregarding what she believes because he has the authority to be right. 

Too many people doubt survivors in cases of sexual harassment or assault. Monica Lewinsky understands the problem with believing women because many convinced Lewinsky to think that her relationship with the president was undertaken with her consent. While it may have been, that doesn’t mean it was mutual or equal. Monica may have “consented,” but given Clinton’s standing as the nation’s president,  she was still under his sway. Bill Clinton was a powerful, charismatic, and influential man who was able to have this hold on her and make her think their relationship was acceptable. In her Vanity Fair interview, she states, “Sure, my boss took advantage of me, but I will always remain firm on this point: it was a consensual relationship. Any ‘abuse’ came in the aftermath when I was made a scapegoat to protect his dominant position. I now see how problematic it was that the two of us even got to a place where there was a question of consent. Instead, the road that led there was littered with inappropriate abuse of authority, station, and privilege” (Lewinsky “Emerging from ‘the House of Gaslight’”). Monica’s recounting of what happened between the two allows for people to see why believing women is important and why supporting them is also important because they are caught in so many situations where power is in the dynamics. The consent between the two parties becomes polarized and clouded.  

Believing women also ties into cyberbullying because of the numerous incidents of young women and men’s personal nudes being publicized and distributed. In 2015, Monica Lewinsky acknowledged in a TED TALK her personal history with cyberbullying, and how the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal was the first to provoke substantial online attacks because the dialogue of her private phone calls was released online allowing anyone to post their ruthless comments. Hundreds of scandal-related articles were released adding to Lewinsky’s personal horror. What Monica suffered was new at the time, and she became a martyr in the wake of cyberbullying. Victims of cyberbullying such as Tyler Clementi share the same emotions that Lewinsky endured. Clementi was a college student at Rutgers who engaged in sexual activity with another man, and his roommate filmed this encounter and distributed it throughout the school. His subsequent suicide proved to Monica that she needed to teach others about the “price of shame,” while online embarrassment may be funny and entertaining to some, we must remember the personhood of whoever was featured in that video, article, or photo. Monica shared how she was painted in the news after America found out about her personal affair: “I was branded a tramp, tart, slut, whore, bimbo, and of course, ‘that woman.’ I was seen by many but actually known by few. And I get it: it was easy to forget that that woman was dimensional, had a soul, and was once unbroken” (Lewinsky “Price of Shame”). Her words are so touching to people who are alone and underestimate the powers of social media. 

In the Digital Age, we mindlessly forget what we are actually doing behind our screens and how we are causing harm to others. Monica notes another dimension to cyberbullying that starts with absentmindedness in putting anything out on the internet and forgetting it can wreck your reputation forever. Too many people know how this feels, including the late Amanda Todd, who exposed her breasts to an older man via video chat. The older man wanted more and blackmailed Todd by declaring she needed to do it or else he would reveal the nude photos to her whole community. The man did end up distributing the photos and her whole school saw them, leaving Todd with a series of mental health issues that eventually drove her to drink bleach. Though she survived, she found her schoolmates wishing she was really dead. The abuse she suffered soon drove her to suicide. The people who drove up the shame and disgrace in Amanda Todd’s story didn’t think about the person in that photo, or how their actions might affect that person. Unfortunately, Amanda Todd is far from the only young adult to have followed this path (Wolf). Monica Lewinsky argued the importance of understanding the many dynamics of cyberbullying and how overlooked it is today.

Another dynamic of women that is misunderstood in society is the unapologetically sexy women who allow themselves to be sexual and not express shame or guilt for it. This characteristic is also portrayed in both “The Husband Stitch” and Monica Lewinsky’s story. Carmen Machado depicts her female narrator as someone who is very sexually active with her husband and doesn’t feel timid or sorry for it. Monica was sexually active with the president and, of course, felt shame, but she allowed herself to finally come clean to the public and not continue to feel guilty or beat up. She was able to take her public shame and form it into something positive. So many of these women get beat by slut-shaming—the stigma we project on being sexually unapologetic. 

Perhaps women wouldn’t be so guilted and ashamed with their personal sex lives if such stories as “The Husband Stitch” were more commonplace. In “The Husband Stitch”, the female narrator goes and schemes her husband, “I have heard all of the stories about girls like me, and I am unafraid to make more of them” (Machado 6). This quote needs to be applauded and reinforced to women all over the world who are reserved because they are afraid of being branded just like Monica Lewinsky was. It relates to the Digital Age and how society now rests behind screens judging people and their actions, yet we never see these people or learn their stories.

  Audre Lorde, a prominent female writer, and critic, is known to speak on her personal experiences as a Black woman. Her writing shines a light on those times when what she felt as a woman was universal and relatable to all women. Other times, she speaks of experiences unique to Black women. Audre Lorde’s relatability in her writing connects to Lewinsky’s scandal because each woman’s experience strikes far too many women as  familiar. 

Audre Lorde shares that sometimes it is easier for Black women to have a “middle-depth” relationship with White women rather than a relationship with other Black women, which is too deep, raw, and connected (Lorde 167). This observation led me to think about how Monica Lewinsky became a martyr for the #MeToo and Time’s Up movements because she is a privileged white woman who can create a platform for other women to finally get their time to share their experiences, be heard, and find support. Similarly, Lorde writes about how being a young Black woman in America means having your childhood stolen from you (Lorde 171). Monica was just starting off in the world as an intern and a very young woman but soon had to grow up because of being butchered in the public eye and having all of these extremely personal details exposed. 

In reporting that Monica won Project Kesher’s Kol Isha Award, the Lilith Blog noted: “Monica Lewinsky models...strength and self-preservation. She has used her notoriety to become a very credible spokeswoman against bullying and shame. She has written that ‘Throughout history, women have been transduced and silenced. Now, it’s our time to tell our own stories in our own words’” (Gershon & Pruce). Monica Lewinsky embodies a true feminist hero. She endured the utmost humiliation and turned it into ammunition to teach women how to survive pain and then use it to change the world for the better. She is a robust and resilient feminist, someone we should all look up to.

After encountering  such creative short stories, theoretical texts, and Monica Lewinsky’s story, I feel better prepared  to combat toxic masculinity and everyday issues that are masked within society. Such phenomenal feminists as Lorde, Machado, and Monica gave me the motivation to share their message of resilience when mortification is endured. If we begin to understand the possibilities of what comes with being a woman and how vulnerable we may be to the atrocities of the world then why aren’t we chanting each other? I find it absurd that instead our ‘sisters’ are hiding behind screens or using their jealousy to fuel hatred. We women need to find a way to support one another without immediately putting each other down because of fear, or other destructive emotions. We women have gone through so much. We are strong, capable, and aware of what our culture and society consists of. We are prepared to let our voices be heard and demand change for the better.

   SOURCES

Dean, Michelle. “The Story of Amanda Todd.” The New Yorker, The New Yorker, 19 June 2017,

https://www.newyorker.com/culture/culture-desk/the-story-of-amanda-todd.

Gershon, Karyn, and Shira Pruce. “Honoring Monica Lewinsky.” Lilith Magazine, 

https://www.lilith.org/blog/2019/03/honoring-monica-lewinsky.

Lewinsky, Monica. “The Price of Shame.” TED: Ideas Worth Spreading. March 2015.

https://www.ted.com/talks/monica_lewinsky_the_price_of_shame?language=en.

Lewinsky, Monica. “Emerging from ‘the House of Gaslight’ in the Age of

#MeToo.” Vanity Fair, Vanity Fair, 23 Feb. 2018, https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2018/02/monica-lewinsky-in-the-age-of-metoo.

Lorde, Audre. “Eye to Eye: Black Women, Hatred, and Anger.” Sister

Outsider, Ten Speed Press, 1984, pp. 145–175.

Machado, Carmen Maria. “The Husband Stitch.” Granta Magazine, 30 Oct. 2017,

https://granta.com/the-husband-stitch/.

Pew Research Center. “The Cigar.” Pew Research Center’s Journalism Project, 6 Sept. 2013, https://www.journalism.org/1998/10/20/the-cigar/.

Wolf, Naomi. “Amanda Todd’s Suicide and Social Media’s Sexualisation of Youth Culture |

Naomi Wolf.” The Guardian, Guardian News and Media, 26 Oct. 2012, https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2012/oct/26/amanda-todd-suicide-social-media-sexualisation.

[vermiculated]

books 2017 so far

wow, tuv want to talk about why you haven’t kept a monthly book list? (because I am scared of my phone and also writing.) no. 

Reiffen's Choice - SC Butler

Flex- Ferrett Steinmetz

The Good Funeral - Thomas Long and Thomas Lynch

The Watchmaker of Filigree Street - Natasha Pulley

The Portable Veblen - Elizabeth McKenzie

The Invaders - Karolina Waclawiak

Funny Boy - Shyam Selvadurai

Adaptation - Malinda Lo

The Dream of Enlightenment - Anthony Gottlieb

Central Station - Lavie Tidhar

Why Did I Ever - Mary Robison (vg)

Binti - Nnedi Okorafor (vg) 

The Book of Tea - Kazuko Okakura

Fingersmith - Sarah Waters

Unmentionable - Therese O'Neill

The Thrilling Adventures of Lovelace and Babbage - Sydney Padua

IQ - Joe Ide

The Little Virtues - Natalia Ginzburg trans Dick Davis

The Hanging Tree - Ben Aaronovitch

Death's Door - Sandra Gilbert

Holy Anorexia - Rudolph Bell 

Hild - Nicola Griffith (vg)

Sum - David Eagleman

Secondhand Time - Svetlana Alexievich trans Bela Shayevich

Everything is Teeth - Evie Wyld and Joe Sumner

Water Dogs - Lewis Robinson (vg)

Selection Day - Aravind Adiga 

The Wicked Boy - Kate Summerscale

Nicotine - Gregor Hens trans Jen Calleja

Margaret the First - Danielle Dutton

Audition -  Ryu Murakami trans Ralph McCarthy

A Horse Walks into a Bar - David Grossman trans Jessica Cohen

Zakhor - Yosef Yerushalmi

Citizen - Claudia Rankine

Blitzed - Norman Ohler trans Shaun Whiteside

Exorcising Hitler - Frederick Taylor

Being A Beast - Charles Foster

The Open Fields - CS and CS Orwin 

Universal Harvester - John Darnielle

The Mistletoe Murder - PD James

The Radius of Us - Marie Marquardt

Something in Between - Melissa de la Cruz

The Apex Book of World SF 2- Lavie Tidhar ed

Ninefox Gambit - Yoon Ha Lee

Of Fire and Stars - Audrey Coulthurst

Traitor to the Throne - Alwyn Hamilton

Cinnamon and Gunpowder - Eli Brown

Pain - Javier Moscoso trans Sarah Thomas and Paul House 

Suicide in Victorian and Edwardian England - Olive Anderson

The Regional Office is Under Attack - Manuel Gonzalez

The Vanquished - Robert Gerwarth

There is No Good Card For This - Kelsey Crowe

Death, Religion and the Family in England - Ralph Houlbrooke

His Bloody Project - Graham McRae

Violence in Early Modern Europe - Julius R Ruff

Snowblind - Ragnar Jonasson trans Quentin Bates

Today Will Be Different - Maria Semple

Martin Luther - Lyndal Roper

The Young Richelieu - Elizabeth Marvick

History Is All You Left Me - Adam Silvera

Inheritance - Malinda Lo

Reality Is Not What It Seems - Carlo Rovelli trans Simon Cornell and Erica Segre

Long Hidden - Rose Fox and Daniel Jose Older

Sarah Canary - Karen Joy Fowler

Code Name Verity - Elizabeth Wein

Monstress - Marjorie Liu 

This Close to Happy - Daphne Merkin 

The Gin Closet - Leslie Jamison

Bilgewater - Jane Gardam (vg)

Colonial Spirits - Steven Grasse

Fragrant Harbor - John Lanchester

A Cup of Rage - Raduan Nassar trans Stefan Tobler

A Very Long Engagement - Sebastien Japrisot trans Linda Coverdale

A Long Finish - Michael Dibdin

Uncle Silas - Sheridan Le Fanu

Powers of Darkness - Bram Stoker trans Valdimar Asmundsson trans Hans Cornell de Roos

Lincoln in the Bardo - George Saunders

Huntress - Malinda Lo

The Night Battles - Carlo Ginzburg trans Anne and John Tedeschi

Season of Migration to the North - Tayeb Salih trans Denys Johnson-Davies

Life's Work - Willie Parker

The Mothers - Brit Bennett

We Are Okay - Nina LaCour

The Tough Guide to Fantasyland - Diana Wynne Jones

Time Travel - James Gleick

Questions of Travel - William Morris, ed Lavinia Greenlaw

Words on the Move - John McWhorter

Stories of Your Life - Ted Chiang

Teeth - Mary Otto

Teeth - Hannah Moskowitz

We The Animals - Justin Torres

Chronotherapeutics for Affective Disorders - Anna Wirz-Justice et al

Great Granny Webster - Caroline Blackwood

English, August - Upmanyu Chatterjee

The Abyss Surrounds Us - Emily Skrutskie 

Days Without End - Sebastian Barry

The Girl Before - JP Delaney

The Loving Husband - Christobel Kent

Half-Bad - Sally Green

Six of Crows - Leigh Bardugo

The Miniaturist - Jessie Burton

Mr. Bridge - Evan Carroll

Mrs. Bridge - Evan Carroll

Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency - Douglas Adams

The Three-Body Problem - Cixin Liu trans Ken Liu

The Undoing Project - Michael Lewis 

Rest - Alex Soojung-Kim Pang

Plucked - Rebecca Herzing

The Outsiders - SE Hinton

Crooked Kingdom - Leigh Bardugo

Mind Your Manors - Lucy Lethbridge

Blood in the Water - Heather Ann Thompson

Blood Rain - Michael Dibdin

The Dry - Jane Harper

History of Wolves - Emily Fridlund

See Under: Love - David Grossman trans Betsy Rosenberg

Spaceman of Bohemia - Jaroslav Kalfar

Sarong Party Girls - Cheryl Lu-Lien Tan

Thinking Fast and Slow - Daniel Kahneman

The Rituals of Dinner - Margaret Visser

The Water Babies - Charles Kingsley

God's Perfect Child - Caroline Fraser

The Secret History of Wonder Woman - Jill Lepore

Otherbound - Connie Duyvis

Chronotherapy - Michael Terman and Ian McMahan

Emotionally Weird - Kate Atkinson (vg)

Bright Air Black - David Vann 

Out - Natuso Kirino trans Stephen Snyder

The Hero With A Thousand Faces - Joseph Campbell

Dirty Snow - George Simenon trans Marc Romano and Louise Varese

Night Sky With Exit Wounds - Ocean Vuong

And Then You Die - Michael Dibdin 

Medusa - Michael Dibdin 

Saga - Brian Vaughn, Fiona Staples et al 

The Dark Forest - Cixin Liu trans Joel Martinsen

A Line Made By Walking - Sara Baume

My Life With Bob - Pamela Paul

Two Women of London - Emma Tennant

Stoner - John Williams

The Crest on the Silver - Geoffrey Grigson

Crazy Rich Asians - Kevin Kwan

Oranges - John McPhee

Shrinking Violets - Joe Moran 

The Invisibility Cloak - Ge Fei trans Caanan Morse

The Water Kingdom - Philip Ball

The Moviegoer - Walker Percy

The Paper Menagerie - Ken Liu

Tales of the Mighty Code Talkers, vol 1 - Arigon Starr, ed

The Happy Traveller - Jamie Kurtz

Century's End - Enki Bilal and Pierre Christin

Saga vol 2 - Brian Vaughn, Fiona Staples et al

The Little Drummer Girl - John Le Carre

The Day of the Jackal - Frederick Forsyth

Back to Bologna - Michal Dibdin

End Games - Michael Dibdin 

What If? - Randall Munroe 

Taft 2012 - Jason Heller 

Saga vol 3 - Brian Vaughn, Fiona Staples et al

Gentlemen and Amazons - Cynthia Eller 

The Psychopath Test - Jon Ronson

God's Philosophers - James Hannam

Ravished - Amanda Quick

Behind the Scenes at the Museum - Kate Atkinson

The Weapon Wizards - Yaakov Katz and Amir Bohbot

Death's End - Cixin Liu trans Ken Liu

Chemistry - Weike Wang (vg)

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

Instagram husband's parody wellness account is comedy gold

It's nigh-on impossible to scroll through Instagram without stumbling upon a post about #wellness. 

But, one "Instagram husband" has had enough of assisting his aspiring wellness influencer girlfriend and has launched his very own parody account. And, it's a thing of wonder. 

SEE ALSO: Hilarious Instagram account is as sick of the #EatClean craze as you are

Edward Lane, who's a journalist at Men's Health, says he's spent the last 18 months behind the camera as "Chief Photographer or Despondent Instagram Husband" to his girlfriend and "aspiring influencer" Amy Hopkinson AKA @wellness_ed. 

He says that before they started dating, he saw social media as "a place to tag friends so they could watch a funny video of a dog riding a unicycle." But, now that Amy and Edward are dating, his eyes have been well and truly opened. 

WHO WORE IT BETTER? // Best of luck to my ultimate abs-piration @wellness_ed at today's @lululemonuk #sweatlife festival. She may need to work on the shading in of her six-pack, and she definitely envies my leggy blonde pins, but she's gonna knock her #wellnessmindset talk about the park today in front of 300 people (literally 💯💯💯). You're a fucking legend, gonna be super proud, blah blah blah more lovey bollocks not suitable for public consumption. . And yes, I will be there. And yes I will be wearing my abs. Obvs.

A post shared by Wellness Ted (@wellness_ted) on Jul 22, 2017 at 2:16am PDT

"All of a sudden I was having to stand on the sofa behind her to get a good angle of some porridge unsanitarily close to her feet, or awkwardly skulk behind her to avoid being caught on her morning story. I thought the whole thing was insane," says Lane. 

"Literally hundreds of people were double-tapping a picture of my girlfriend eating salad – it made absolutely no sense to me. But most of all it cracked me up," Lane continued. He said he was impressed by influencers and their followers' passion for "leggings, protein balls and avocados" and saw "too many opportunities for ridicule to pass up." 

ROCKET FUEL // Next time you're running low on #mondaymotivation for your workout swap out the standard espresso for a more summer-ready pre-workout. Totally fat-free, these lollies contain 10% of your sugar RDA for fast-access energy mainlined to your muscles. Not only that - and this is no joke, I actually checked, because, you know, I'm into fitness and therefore my conversation is relentlessly scintillating - the colourings come from beetroot (filled with endurance-enhancing nitric oxide) and curcumin (a potent metabolism-boosting compound). In all, this is the perfect pre-workout to launch your session to the next level, no face tingles necessary. And for the post-workout refuel? I suggest a mini milk chaser. Since you asked, mine's a strawberry flavour, please. It matches my #activewear 💅🏼

A post shared by Wellness Ted (@wellness_ted) on Jul 3, 2017 at 5:19am PDT

"Plus, I was sure I'd look damn good in a pink sports bra," he added. So, he set up a parody account. And so, @Wellness_Ted was born. 

So, who is Wellness Ted? According to his Insta bio, he's an "unqualified" personal trainer and "knowledge-free nutritionist" who's "preaching wellness one self-important #wellfie at a time."

Lane has created his own versions of some of the typical things you might find on a wellness blogger's Instagram. There's before and after shots, inspirational quotes and mid-work out photos. But, it's unlikely you'd find any of his #foodstagrams anywhere near a real wellness blogger's account. 

Lane believes the whole #wellness scene takes itself far too seriously, and his parody account is a reaction against that. 

GOING PALEO // I've started eating like a real cavewoman recently. Going prehistoric rather than eating processed junk has really helped me to stabilise my blood sugar, get more energy and give my workouts a little more BITE. Dinosaur is a muscle building delicacy I can't recommend more - thankfully high-end delicatessen #bernardmatthews has released its own range to bring it to the masses. Tuck in!

A post shared by Wellness Ted (@wellness_ted) on May 18, 2017 at 11:37pm PDT

Lane thinks that wellness bloggers believe they're fighting "the good fight against unhealthy lifestyles." And, he says he thinks it's "insane" how much power they wield. 

"They truly believe that they're on the front line, getting their hands dirty, while also swanning about in £500 ($649) worth of free activewear on glamorous fitness retreats paid for simply by tagging the resort into an Instagram post," says Lane.  

PARTY TIME // Back on the #PRI balloon for a pre-bank holiday endurance boost. This technique helps to realign your posture, bring your ribs down and therefore give your lungs more room to breathe - increasing your stamina. Normally used for 10K preparation - I'm deploying it to power me through three days of beer at the seaside. Just when you think it's all too much and your world is spinning - this technique gives you room for another pint (and probably a Mr Whippy). The laughing gas helps, too... It is the weekend, after all

A post shared by Wellness Ted (@wellness_ted) on May 27, 2017 at 4:27am PDT

"I just wanted to take the piss out of a lot of people who present themselves as holier-than-thou health crusaders, but who are actually using it as a free ticket to some south west London luxury lifestyle," says Lane.

#FRIYAYFEELING // Aaaaaand rehydrate. After a tough week of workouts or too many reps of mouse clicking at your desk, I make it beer(s) o'clock. Proven by researchers at Sesh University to improve feelings of relief and "thank fuck that week's over" a post-workout pint is just what the doctor ordered. Whose round is it? 📸 - @lensaction

A post shared by Wellness Ted (@wellness_ted) on Aug 11, 2017 at 9:00am PDT

Parody aside, however, Lane finds the Instagram #wellness trend pretty alarming. He believes that some influencers don't caveat their posts and present them as opinion, rather than gospel truth. 

"There's been enough research into social media to reveal that there are a lot of vulnerable people out there looking for direction, and the problem is that the boring science of a top-end nutritionist or trainer just isn't as sexy or appealing as the pretty girl subsisting on brunch and HIIT workouts," says Lane.

Given that Instagram has recently been ranked the worst social network for young people's mental health and wellbeing, Lane may have a point. And, Instagram's highly-curated nature is one of the reasons behind its damaging impact. 

Is it even a #wellness meal if it's not sprinkled with fucking pomegranate seeds?

A post shared by Wellness Ted (@wellness_ted) on May 23, 2017 at 10:59pm PDT

He says that no amount of "post-gym, no make-up selfies or avocado recipes" will be able to combat Instagram's body positivity issues. 

"Although, neither are my pictures of turkey dinosaurs. However, I'm sure people would be far more likely to smile when faced with a plate of potato than kale," says Lane. 

Sign us up to Lane's version of #wellness!

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