#empathy is my greatest strength when it comes to nursing and i just

[the-cookie-of-doom]

i've been struggling with this paper all weekend, and it's bc it's depressing. I'm ending it with the history of the AIDS crisis and that i just. not an easy thing to get through.

[the-courage-to-heal]

A personal message:

About a month ago I attempted to take my life. I took an overdose of dose of pills intentionally. I want to share the story of what I went through. When I arrived at the hospital a nurse told me I could keep my phone “if I didn’t cause trouble” I called my Mom and softly cried. I was told

“I thought you said you wouldn’t cause any trouble”

 I came to realize trouble meant making any noise. I immediately offered to quiet myself. That wasn’t good enough. I was told that I was not allowed to have access to my cell phone anymore. Despite the fact I apologized for crying, and immediately said I understood and would quiet myself.

The nurse advanced on me and attempted to wrestle my phone from my hands. Apparently you are allowed to physically assault somebody if you are a nurse. I want to emphasize all I did was offer to quiet myself immediately. I apologized for crying. That wasn’t good enough.

By this point I was incredibly triggered. I said I wanted to leave, and for good reason this is obviously not something you can do after attempting suicide. They were right to call in people to restrain me. However, these people would have never been called in if the nurse had shown me a shred a basic human empathy, decency and kindness. she enjoyed inflicting pain upon someone who was vulnerable.

What was wrong was them continuing to restrain me to the point I was severely bruised. I can only document in photographs what was done to me.

I fought at first, but very quickly submitted. A man held my face down into the mattress. I told him I couldn’t breathe. He kept holding my face down until I was hyperventilating, and about to pass out. I kept saying I could not breathe. They didn’t believe me until I was hyperventilating and in the process of suffocating. I was genuinely terrified they were going to suffocate me. Right when I was about to lose consciousness they finally released me.

However, my torture was not done. They tied my hand up above my head. I explained they were tearing muscles. I spent at least 10 minutes sobbing and begging them to tie me up n a way that wouldn’t physically harm my body.

They finally relented when I pointed out that tying a persons head above their arms was a form of torture that the Romans inflicted upon people they crucified. That is what it took for them to stop torturing me. They could have done whatever they wanted to me. 

I heard the same nurse abusing another patient the next morning. She told a man involved in a drunk, driving accident.

“Your problem is at the bottom of a bottle”

I looked at the nurse who was watching over me and said,

“That is cruel, they are mentally ill. Their problem is that their pain is now hurting other people. Not at the bottom of a bottle.”

That is beyond cruel. She might as well have told him to kill himself and make the world a better place by decreasing the surplus population.  I met somebody who is the living embodiment of Ebeneezer Scrooge.

If I learned anything from this experience, it is that strength has to come from within yourself because nobody will give a sh*t if you don’t care about yourself. People use you, and abuse you when you are most vulnerable.

“Help” exists for those who can pay for it. Everyone else is just surplus clogging up the system.

I have not posted a photo of myself for a very long time. I have been overwhelmed. I have neglected this blog. But I want to use my voice so other people can hear what I went through and maybe it will help them to continue going when all hope seems lost. The United States has an appalling system, that punishes the mentally ill. People dealing with suicidal ideation are human beings. They are no less deserving of respect and kindness. The most fragile among us deserve the greatest protection. Not to be feasted on by crows pecking at their corpse. I hope at the very least I have created a safe space with this blog.

[jimothystu]

Poe Dameron - Love Letters

Fandom: Star Wars Requested by an anon: “Hi! If you’re still taking Star Wars requests, this might seem like a silly request, but could you please write an imagine with Poe Dameron, where Poe uses BB8 to run love notes to the female!reader who’s a nurse for the resistance back and forward between the two of them all day, as they work on different sides of the base and she figures that the notes are coming from Poe and she admits she likes him too.” Word count: 1.7k?? Wow, um, I may have gotten a little carried away Warnings/notes: Female!reader. Pure fluff. So much fluff. 

You were in the middle of typing up a medical report for the General when a certain little orange droid rolled into your office and beeped at you.

“Hey, BB, what’s up?” you asked with a smile.

BB-8 rolled up to your feet and beeped again, telling you he had a message for you.

“A message?” you asked. “From who?”

BB-8 told you he wasn’t permitted to tell you.

“Well what’s the message?”

BB-8 repeated the message through a series of beeps and tones which you had learned to understand:

“Y/N, I bet you’re working hard right now and I’m sorry to interrupt that but I just had to tell you that you’re the most beautiful girl on this base and I can’t get you out of my head. I admire your hard work and your empathy towards everyone, not just those who end up under your care. I admire your strength and courage. I wish I had your courage. If I did, maybe I would be telling you all of this in person instead of sending a droid to relay my message to you. I hope you’re doing all right and that you’re not working yourself too hard right now. You deserve a break too, y’know. You take care of everyone else and deserve someone to take care of you. I hope I can be that person some day. I’m so grateful for the friendship we have, but I wish we could be more than friends. I wish we could forget about the war and just be together.”

Your mouth was open and your eyes were watery by the time BB-8 finished. “This isn’t a joke, right? Or a prank?” you asked.

BB-8 nudged your shin with his head and assured you the message was genuine.

A wide smile spread across your lips. “And you’re sure you can’t tell me who sent it?”

You knew he was: BB-8 couldn’t go against orders. Especially if they came from someone he was very loyal to. “BB, did Poe send this?” you asked. Who else would have used BB-8 to send a love letter? You supposed it could have been Finn or Rey, but Poe seemed like the most logical person. And you were really, really hoping it was from Poe.

BB-8 told you that he could not confirm nor deny.

You sighed. “Damn you and your inability to ignore orders.”

BB-8 made a sharp beep, telling you to watch your language.

You laughed. “I’m sure you hear much worse than that around your master. Speaking of which… can you send a message back to whomever sent mine?”

After BB-8 agreed to relay a message for you, you began to think of what to say.

“Okay. You ready?” you asked, and once BB-8 said yes, you tried your best to keep yourself calm as you spoke from your heart, “Hey, mystery person. I think I have an idea of who you are, but of course this stubborn droid won’t tell me. Sorry, BB, you know I love you. Well, I’m saying these all to the person I have in mind, and if you’re not him… sorry… I admire you too. I think you’re brave as hell and an incredible pilot. You’re an incredible leader and you’re such an inspiration to everyone around you. You inspire people to be brave and fight hard for what we believe in. You inspire people to speak their minds, especially when they know that others will disagree. You inspire people to be themselves and to never hide who they really are. You have such a big heart, and you’re so kind. You’ve helped me through many hard times, and I’m grateful to call you a friend. Maybe one day I can call you something else. I hope you know how appreciated and loved you are. I hope I can tell you that in person… If you’d let your droid—er, sorry, I’m assuming he’s yours—if you’d let BB tell me who you are, we could tell each other these long speeches in person. Until then, I guess we’ll have to use BB as our messenger. Hope to hear from you soon.”

You nodded to BB-8 when you were done and he beeped several times, saying, “Your words are very kind. I’m sure the receiver of this message will appreciate them.”

You smiled, a blush creeping onto your cheeks. “I’ll see you later, maybe. Thanks, BB.”

He beeped as he rolled out of the medical bay, leaving you with jumbled thoughts and a pounding heart at the thought of Poe hearing what you just said. 

BB-8 returned a while later while you were in the middle of stitching up an engineer who had cut herself while repairing a ship.

“Hey, BB,” you said, trying not to let your excitement show.

He told you that he had another message for you and try as you might, you couldn’t stop the smile from pulling at your lips. You hadn’t stopped thinking about the first message since BB-8 had left to deliver your message.

“I’ll listen to it in a second. You can wait in my office if you want.”

BB-8 rolled into your office and you avoided the engineer’s questions as you finished stitching her up. Once you released her and quickly filled out the report, you met BB-8.

“Okay, BB, what’s the scoop?”

BB-8 began to repeat the message he was provided and your heart fluttered against your ribs as he said it:

“I guess using BB-8 was a little obvious… I didn’t expect you to guess who I was so quickly, though I probably should have. You’re very smart, you know that? So incredibly smart. That’s one of the reasons I fell in love with you. …crap, did I just say that? Can’t take it back now… all right, meet me in the hangar after your shift is done.”

“He loves me?” you asked aloud.

BB-8 was a bit sassy, saying, “It wasn’t obvious before?”

“He loves me,” you repeated, laughing in delight.

You replayed the message in your head and your stomach filled with butterflies at the thought of seeing Poe in person after admitting so much to him via BB-8. You imagined walking into the hangar and seeing Poe working on his X-Wing, hair a tousled mess. Wide smiles would spread on your faces when you two made eye contact and you’d run to each other, arms open like in a romance novel. You’d crash into each other, your arms going around his neck as his went around your waist. You’d confess your love for one another and you’d kiss; a perfect kiss filled with passion and emotion.

BB-8 rolled himself against your legs and beeped to get your attention.

You shook your head, the fantasy disappearing. “What?” you asked.

He told you that you had zoned out.

You smiled meekly. “Sorry. Thanks for the message, BB. I’ll see you in a bit.”

Once your shift was over, you rushed to the hangar, making sure you didn’t trip over your own feet. It was late by then, the corridors being empty. You were grateful for that—you didn’t need anyone seeing you running through the base like a child.

When you reached the hangar you looked around eagerly. You didn’t see anyone and your heart sank. Was it all a prank?

Then, you noticed small lanterns placed along the floor lit up, showing a path leading behind an X-Wing. Not just any X-Wing. Poe’s X-Wing.

Your doubt washed away and you followed the lights, forcing yourself to walk at a normal pace so you didn’t seem overeager. When the back of the X-Wing came into view, your breath caught in your throat. Poe was standing there with a flower in his hand. More lights were set up on his X-Wing, illuminating the corner of the hangar where he stood.

“Hi,” he said with a nervous smile.

“Hi,” you said, letting out a short laugh.

Poe held out the flower. “I got this for you. Well, okay, I got Chewie to get it. But uh, it’s for you.”

You took the flower and gave it a smell, the sweet smell making you smile. That, and how romantic this whole scene was. “Thank you.”

“I’ll admit, I wasn’t expecting to get a response quite like the one you sent,” Poe said. “I was half expecting getting no response.”

“Your message was so kind and from the heart, I couldn’t not send you one similar.”

Poe smiled that damn smile that you had fallen in love with. That smile that made your heart skip a beat. That smile that made you feel every worry slip away, even if just for a second.

“Why haven’t you ever said anything?” you asked, taking a step closer.

Poe shrugged and rubbed the back of his neck nervously. “I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. The middle of a war isn’t the greatest time to confess your love for someone.”

You shook your head. “I think it’s the perfect time. What better time to tell someone you love them than a time when your survival isn’t a guarantee? Don’t you want to spend all of the time you can with the one you love?”

Poe grinned and took your free hand in his. “Maybe you’re right.”

“Well, whether I’m right or not, you’ve already confessed, so you can’t take it back.”

“What about you?” Poe asked, moving closer.

“What about me?”

“Where’s your confession?”

You smiled. “Isn’t how I feel obvious?”

“I want to hear you say it,” he said softly. His eyes flicked from your eyes to your mouth.

You took in a breath and worked up every ounce of courage you had. “I love you, Poe Dameron.”

A lip-splitting smile took over his face. “And I love you, Y/N Y/L/N.”

He barely had time to get your name out before you were pressing your lips onto his. He reciprocated the kiss instantly, pulling you so close that your bodies were tightly pressed against one another. You moved your hands into his hair, letting the flower fall to the ground.

Poe parted after several moments to catch his breath. He leaned his forehead against yours and moved his hands up to cup your face.

In that moment, you both knew that everything you had gone through and everything you had endured was worth it because it had brought the two of you together.

If you enjoy my writing, please consider supporting me on Ko-Fi if you can

[humansofoz]

February 5, 2019

“As long as you try your best, that is all that matters. You don’t have to be the fastest runner or the top of the class.” -Penny Lancaster

Ariel Gutman-Gates. 21. SUNY Oswego Junior.

HoOz- What was your greatest struggle at age 16?

Ariel- I think one of the things that I struggled with perpetually throughout my entire high school experience is my identity, just who I am. I’m biracial, black and white and I grew up in a predominantly white area. I was labeled as the “black kid” or whatever, but when I was with my friends that were black they were like you’re too light skinned so you’re not black. But if I was with my white friends I was “too black” so I’m not white you know. So I was always fighting internally about who I was and what group I belonged to. I fell into a lot of stereotypes that people put upon me.

HoOz- Can you expand on any of those stereotypes?

Ariel- Yeah. I think one of the things that I fell into when I was like 16 or 17 was the “hood, ghetto culture” of like sagging my pants, blasting rap music, wearing chains. I still wear a chain but it means something to me now instead of just seeing it in a rap video or something like that. So yeah, also changing the way I speak to fit the “ghetto speak.” A lot of it spurred from when people would say “oh wow, you sound so educated for a black person” and things like that. “You speak so well for a black person. Things like that.

HoOz- Would you say there was a moment either in high school or college when you felt like you found yourself and your sense of belonging?

Ariel- Yeah I definitely think that one of the things that really woke me up with who I am was my second semester freshman year in college. I think that was the moment that I realized it’s time for me to develop into what I am and it’s time for me to ignore what other people think or say because it’s my life and at the end of the day, regardless of what other people are saying, how I act is who I am. The moment that really captured me was when I applied to be a laker leader. That was the first time I ever really did anything on campus or tried to get involved. Once I got the job, going through the training was what really changed me. The people that surrounded me, the older, experienced leaders that I had the honor to work with for that summer really guided me in the direction that I’m in today. Hearing their experience and their wisdom and their drive to want to help people made me reconnect with who I was and my morals that I may have strayed away from a little  bit.

HoOz- Being at another predominately white institution, do you feel like there are still times that you find yourself struggling with your identity?

Ariel- I don’t think I struggle with my personal identity anymore because I have a strong sense of who I am and what I want to do with my life. I think there are times where I feel as if there are certain references that I can say to people that they wouldn’t understand simply because of their background and how they grew up compared to how I grew up. But I wouldn’t say I struggle, but I will say that I see a lot of people coming in from the city area where it’s a lot more diverse coming to Oswego and falling into the stereotypes that society has casted because it’s easier than feeling isolated.

HoOz- Let’s switch gears a little bit. What would you say is your most memorable childhood experience?

Ariel- I wouldn’t say I had a good childhood and I wouldn’t say I had an awful childhood. One of the most memorable childhood experiences is, I’m a twin and we were playing baseball in the front yard with my dad. We were probably about 5 or 6 and I remember it was like a routine. We would hit the ball and run to where first base was and then he would turn around and we would stop and one of us would go back to hit the ball. It was just a continuous routine. One time I hit the ball far enough and I got to second base. He turned and looked at first base when I was on second so I ran from second, to third, to home base and I scored and it was like the first time. It was a big moment for me and it was great, I felt great. It’s just something that I always remember. It seems like such an insignificant detail in the grand scheme of things but my father passed away when I was 6 so that is one of like four solid memories I have of him. That’s why it’s one of the most memorable things of my childhood.

HoOz- What is your relationship like with your twin brother?

Ariel- Me and my brother have always been close. We always got each other’s backs no matter what. He’s in Albany doing his thing. I’m up here in Oswego doing my thing. We’re close, we’re always close. Whenever we see each other it’s like we haven’t skipped a beat even if we haven’t talked in a while.

HoOz- Who from your childhood would you say has made the biggest impact on your life?

Ariel- I would definitely say my brother in law and sister. And my mom to an extent as well but for different reasons obviously. I think my brother in law and sister provided things that my mother couldn’t provide at the time and they went way out of their way to make sure that my brother and myself were always in good places. I can honestly say that without them I don’t necessarily think I could’ve made it to college. I don’t necessarily think I would’ve even graduated high school. Being really honest, if they weren’t in my life I probably would be in a jail cell somewhere.So they did a lot for us. More than I could ever repay.

HoOz- What would you say is your biggest flaw?

Ariel- The ability to not say no. That makes sense right? Like if someone presents something to me, I can’t say no to it. That’s something that I struggle with a lot purely because I very much enjoy helping people. I’ll never forget my freshman orientation here. My laker leader asked me what my favorite hobby was and I said helping people. People were like you’re stupid, but I was like no I’m serious that’s my favorite hobby. I genuinely enjoy helping people, I love it. It makes me feel good. So when people present opportunities to me where I know I can help people it’s hard for me to say no. But I also have to realize that there are many other capable people that can help pick up some things just in case I say no. That’s something I really struggle with in college because I’m so overworked.

HoOz- What is your biggest strength?

Ariel- I think that my biggest strength is my ability to feel empathy and compassion towards other people. I think that regardless of if I’ve ever experienced what you feel, I will do my best to try and help you. Whatever help means to you. I endlessly put myself aside to help others. So yeah, my ability to help people and feel people and have them feel heard and feel like they’re important.

HoOz- Where do you see yourself in 5-10 years?

Ariel- Well in 5-10 years I hope that I’m in my field. I want to become a psychiatric nurse practitioner. I don’t know exactly where. Probably working in a hospital first helping people with mental health issues and prescribing medication. That’s where I see myself in 5-10 years. In ten years, honestly right now I hope I’m in a residential setting. Like an RTC, residential treatment center. Something like that. But I don’t know, it’s subject to change. But I hope I’m in my field by then, that’s my goal.

HoOz- If you could tell your future self one thing, what would it be?

Ariel- I’d say remember that there has to be an endpoint. I feel like with myself it’s always about getting to the next level, getting to this, getting to that. I sometimes get lost in planning ahead and what I wanna do and how I wanna do it. Sometimes I feel like there’s never an endpoint where I get to just enjoy my life and enjoy the moment. So I would tell my future self, regardless of if it’s tomorrow or five years, remember to live in the moment. There is an endpoint and you’ll get there.

[exquisitelyeco]

The subject of hell……

I was going through one of my blog enteries..new word….meaning lots of entry of something! And I realised, more than once have I referred to C.S.Lewis. I am going to call him Lewis from now on. Not being disrespectful,but putting CS with full stops between takes to long! Lewis was one of the greatest Christian writers of the 20th century….is that the right one? I mean the 1950-60s….. If you want to read some books that will blow you away, read ‘The great Divorce,’ ‘The screwtape letters,’ ‘Mere Christianity’ or ‘Christian behaviour.’They are amazing. However. That was a digression. You know I have them….ONE OF THE SAYINGS, caps locks, sorry…..I believe is attributed to him are words that will be heard by every human being on the planet, that has ever or will ever be. At the judgment, the question will be, ‘THY will be done, or MY will be done.’ Those words blew me away. Really. Another thing I have touched on, is talking about how Jesus still preaches in hell. And yes. I truly believe that. Why? Because everyday people die who have never heard of the name of Jesus. Or have only heard of Him via lies or abuse. A God of love, indeed THE only God, who IS Love, will never, ever condemn anybody if they have not made a choice of free will to turn against Him! He is full of grace! And mercy and love. As Paul said in Romans 8v1, said, ‘There is no more condemnation, for those in Christ..’ How can a person who has never heard of Him, or somebody who has been abused in His name, so been as yet unable to SEE He IS love and not abusive, make a freewill choice? God will make sure everyone, that is EVERYONE has the choice to either accept or reject who He is, and what He offers. And that it is not until God is certain that a human soul WANTS to go to hell, that they will be condemned to go there.

What on earth do I mean, WANTS to go? Surely that’s bollocks! Who in there right mind would want to go to hell? But you see, THAT is the issue. They are not IN their right mind. They are in a mind they have chosen to create and believe. Weird? Need explanation? Of course it does! If you say not, I’d be worried. Or think you were telepathic and read my mind behind closed doors…..scary. Like George Orwells thought police…. So. Imagine one of the parables Jesus told about Lazarus and the rich man. (Luke 16 v 19-31) the parable goes like this: There was once a poor man and a rich man. And a poor man, names Lazarus….funny he was called Lazarus and Jesus raised a Lazarus from the dead…..ponder that…and the rich man had a magnificent palace. Every day, at the entrance to his gates, came a beggar called Lazarus. He was old and covered in sores. He would have loved, even to eat the scraps that fell to the floor, from the rich mans table. But as it was, even the dogs came and his sores. But the rich man paid him no heed. He ignored him, like he didn’t exist. Sound like a Tory? His name was David Cameron…sorry, I lie. But you FEEL the empathy old Dave would have, yeah! So in time, both of them died. The rich man went to hell, and as he looked up from his torment, he saw Father Abraham carrying Lazarus to heaven. He called out to him, ‘Father Abraham, Get Lazarus to come and dip the tip of his finger on my tongue, for I am in torment.’ Abraham answered, ‘You had your wealth in life, and now he goes to His in heaven. But even if he could, we cannot cross the divide from here to you. Those here who would like to cross to you cannot, and you cannot cross here.’ So then the rich man said ‘I have five brothers at my fathers house, send him to them, so they may know of this place.’ Abraham replied, ‘They have the law and words of Moses, if they do not listen to them, seeing the dead will not change their way of thinking.’ I have put this in easier words.

So what do we see here? Is it fair that just because he was wealthy he should be in hell? And just cos old Laz was poor he should go to heaven? He might have been a rotter! Well, to understand, you have to read the story very carefully. The rich man lived in a palace, he wore fine clothes and rode fine horses. But that was NOT the issue. His wealth had nothing to do with it. His HEART or to put it another way, his ATTITUDE, had everything to do with it! Everyday he passed a beggar. And everyday he ignored him. But more. He begrudged him even the scraps from his table. The man was covered in sores for all to see. He had no strength even to stop the dogs from coming to lick his sores, so all would have been visible. But there is so much more! When he found himself in hell, and saw Abraham with Laz, did you see what he said? ‘ Send Lazarus to dip his finger…’ he did not ask Abraham to come. He ordered that Lazarus do it. No please. No Thankyou. Just ‘Send Lazarus too…’ the same when it came to his brothers, no please, no Thankyou, just, ‘Send Lazarus too…. even dead, Lazarus meant no more to him than someone to order about like dirt. Someone of no consequence but to do a mans bidding. His heart was closed and no repentance came out of him. And THAT was the problem. There was NO SORRY. Did he care for his brothers? I don’t know. But I do know he had still not learned his lesson about a poor man. He still saw him as a man of no consequence. Even though he SAW him going to heaven, so KNEW he was going to God. Even though he HEARD Abraham say, ‘He is going to his reward.’ Even though he KNEW that was where God HIMSELF was, he had no change of attitude. Because he didn’t even know or believe he had a problem with it! And it will be those who are like that, who will choose hell rather than heaven. Why? Because some will always treat the poor like they are nothing. Others choose to keep their deceit. And others that they refuse to let go of something wrong. They will never change what ever habit they have embraced in life. They will CHOOSE that. Why? Because God is on the side of the poor. The side of the weak. And the rich man would not admit HE was sick. To get to God we need to admit we are wrong. We have gone wrong. That we are weak and poor with out Him. Not poor as in terms of wealth, but in terms of SPIRIT! And the rich man had no idea he was poor in spirit, because he only saw his worldly wealth. He did not care about the poor. He did not even acknowledge they were there.

We have a choice. We admit we got it wrong. That we need a saviour. Or we don’t. We stand tall and state we can do it alone. Jesus said, ‘The ones who need a Doctor are not healthy but sick.’ (Mark 2v7 Matthew 9v12 Like 5v31) The wealthy man had no idea he was sick. Because he was blind to it. If he had SEEN Lazarus, really seen him, he would have known he was sick. Why? Because he would have had to acknowledge he had not treated him well. He had not helped and nursed him in his need and poverty. But he did not notice because he did not want too. He only thought of himself. Nothing else mattered. So he would never have acknowledged a God who cared for the sick. Because he views HIMSELF as God. He had everything! Health, wealth, status! He was absolutely blind to the NEEDS of anyone else. Because he saw no NEED in himself. And it will be the same with all those who choose hell. For different reasons. If a person lives a life of hate, chooses hate, refuses to change, why would they WANT to go before a God of love? If a person chooses sex and only sex, rather than love, WHY would they want a heaven of love, but no sex? Or a person chooses deprivation, why would they want life? A mean person, why generosity to all? I don’t talk about the sins we all have! We all have sin. We are on a journey to change that! I talk about those who do not CARE about the sins that they have, do not want to change them, and even JUSTIFY why they have them!

What did Cain say to God, after he murdered Able? ‘I don’t know, am I my brothers keeper?’ YES we are!!! Why did Jesus die? Because He WAS everyone’s keeper! Even after, Cain couldn’t and wouldn’t be sorry! He only cared about himself! ‘ If somebody finds me they will kill me, because I am driven from your sight.’ What? He doesn’t fall on his knees and say, ‘God have mercy on me! Please don’t cast me from your presence.’ NO! He wants God to protect HIM from being killed, as he had done to his brother! There was no repentance in him. HE asked Able to go out into the land, to kill him. Then he said something very interesting, (Genesis 4 13-15) He states, ‘YOU have driven me out of your sight.’ NO. If you read what the Lord had said, ‘ The ground is now cursed to you. It will not longer help you. You will be a fugitive and wander in the earth.’ He did not say HE wanted Cain to go! He did NOT ORDER Cain to go! He knew Cain WOULD go. Because Cain had long ago made the choice, HE knew best. And HE could do it without God, Thankyou very much. Even then God helped him! He put a mark on him, so no one should kill him. Because Cain had murdered, he was now afraid it would happen to him! But rather than repent and ask for help, he chooses to become a fugitive. He did not want Gods presence! Because he did not want to change!

Compare that to King David, when he had been confronted about his sin. He killed Bathsheba’s husband, because HE had shagged her and got her up the duff, or pregnant, for those of you who ain’t got a clue what I is on about….in 2 Samuel 12-13 we read Davids response to God, for what he had done ‘I have sinned against the Lord.’ He KNEW and ADMITTED his sin had offended God. And he repented of it! Yes, he had consequences, horrible, horrible ones. His sons were killed. They killed each other. His daughter raped. His son had sex with his wives, in front of the whole of Israel, and he had to flee. But God forgave him and helped him. His ATTITUDE, or his HEART was different! He acknowledged that he was weak and sinful. He had wealth! But what a different attitude from the rich man and Cain! Now I do not know if Cain ever repented, or if we will see him in heaven. But I do know Noah came next! Why, did the flood happen? Why did Noah have to build an Ark? Why did every human being, other than Noah and his family, perish? Because it tells us, EVERY thought of man had become evil, so much so GOD repented He had made US! (Genesis 6v6) And His heart was full of pain! Can you even begin to comprehend that? God, who had known only love, joy and peace, had a heart full of pain. Because not only every deed, but even every thought of man was evil! How horrifying. Every human on the planet was not repentant, but revelling in evil. Apart from Noah. And, because God is like He is, and will go after one sheep to save it, He saved Noah. We don’t know if his wife, his sons and their wives were good in Gods sight. But we know Noah was considered righteous. Noah was humble. He did what God said. He believed he would be saved if he obeyed God.

And that is the heart of the matter. Every person who chooses Hell, does not want to obey God. Because they do not think they need Him, and they do not want Him. A while ago I posted a blog entry called, ‘An answer in part, Mr. Fry.’ In it I explained how I felt to Steven Frys response about God. That God is a sadistic bastard who lets children get murdered. I explained, from my perspective, how it is NOT God. That we all have little secrets, little skeletons in our closet we tell nobody. Why? Because we know WE are guilty of them! So we hide them. So those who do not repent will try to justify to God the actions they have committed. Nobody has the chance to hide ANYTHING hidden, even in the deepest recesses of their heart from God. The bible clearly tells us,’ What you say in secret will be shouted from the rooftops.’ (Luke 12v3) NOTHING is secret from our God. Yet He has proclaimed, through His Son, that ALL are forgiven, ALL are saved, ALL can live with Him for ever, if they CHOOSE to go down on their knees and say, ‘I got it wrong, I’m sorry.’ Every person on the planet has something they are ashamed of. Something they want no one to find out. It may be big, it may be small. But to God, sin is sin. Wrong IS wrong. No matter what wrong it is. And if we thought it was not of importance, we would not try to hide it! So it shows we know we are guilty of sin. Or some kind of fault, word or deed. We have the chance NOW, to choose to say to God, ‘I’m sorry, forgive me.’ He doesn’t care WHAT you have done! He doesn’t CARE! All He wants is for you to go to Him and say sorry. To admit you failed in one area, no matter how small, and seemingly insignificant.

So we can be like Cain, and justify what we have done, or we can be like the tax collector in the parable Jesus told about the priests and the tax collector. (Luke 18v 13) The priests did not think they needed God, because they convinced them selves they were healthy, spiritually! They said to themselves, ‘I am not a robber, or sinner, or murderer, I am not like other people! I give into the charity box at the shop counter. I put out my next door neighbours bins. I don’t swear or lie!’ ….ok, they didn’t say about bins….but they thought they were OKAY! They didn’t even see that even comparing themselves to others and thinking they were better WAS a sin! And yet pride is the greatest sin! The tax collector KNEW he was sick. He was so ashamed he could not even look up! he cried out, ‘Lord, have MeRCY on me, I am a sinner.’ Satan fell because of pride. Pride BLINDS us to the truth. We assure ourselves falsely that all is well! So we think we do not need a healer! And when we stand in front of God, with an attitude like that, what is going to happen? The terrible, horrific truth! I can imagine,

God, ‘My son, what do you have to say to me? Do you need my forgiveness?’ Human ‘No.’ God ‘But what of the wrongs you have done? Do you not need my forgiveness?’ Human ‘What wrongs? I never murdered, never stole, never raped or hurt and one! I paid my bills on time! What more is there?’ God ‘What about your attitude my son? Was that not arrogant? Thinking you were doing so much better than your fellow man?’ Human ‘I WAS! I never stole, I told you! I never lied, or cheated the tax man! I carried my neighbors shopping, and put pennies in charity boxes!’ I am fine! I’ve done nothing to be sorry for! God ‘What about your pride, feeling you were better than everyone else?’ Human ‘I WAS better! I have already told you! I DIDN’T LIE, I DIDN’T STEAL, I DIDN’T MURDER….I GAVE to the POOR, I paid my taxes! Don’t you listen? God ‘My son, your pride blinds you to the fact you looked down on others, by comparing your life to theirs! There is joy in heaven when a sinner, like a thief repents, when someone filled with pride, admits they are wrong!’

Human ‘I have no real sin! I lived my life well! I hurt no one! I committed no legal crime! I didn’t gossip or profane! Why shouldn’t I feel proud of living well? God ‘Yes, my son, you lived well. But you looked down on others. Can you not see you compared yourself to them, and thought yourself better?’ Human ‘I was better! I lived well! What’s all this nonsense?!! I don’t need help. I’m not sick, like those murdererers and thieves, rapists and tax dodgers! I don’t need you! I did well!’ God ‘My son, you DO need me! Your pride will condemn you, because it is your PRIDE that is the problem! You must repent of your pride!’ Human ‘NO! I LIVED WELL! I Will NOT say sorry for something I have not done! NO! No! NEVER! I DON’T need to be sorry, because I’ve done nothing to be sorry for! Why should I demean and debase myself because YOU think I have pride? YOU are the liar! I LIVED WELL!’ If You can’t see that, be damned!’ And by the humans own attitude and refusal to acknowledge they need forgiveness AT ALL, that they have chosen to believe there is NOTHING they have EVER done and that’s THAT, stamp, stamp! Will condemn them. They will refuse God, because they will not acknowledge they need him. Their own blindness, the blindness they have chosen, like Cain’ and the rich mans, will mean they will NOT want heaven. Because to get to heaven you have to admit to have failed. Those who cannot admit that they have failed, do not believe they need God. Because they are blind to the fact they are sick. And their insistence to believe they are well, will lead them to fall.

Some will just hate God. Some will not be sorry. Some will choose to tell God the lies they believe and choose not to deviate from them, even when they are exposed. They will deceive themselves. And choose the deceit rather than repent. Or say sorry, to put it another way. Some will just insist on their own way. That THEIR way is better than Gods way. And they would rather go to hell, Thankyou very much, than choose God and change. It’s ALL about our own personal ATTITUDE. Our freewill choice. ‘MY WILL be done.’ Stamp, stamp, STAMP. ‘He ASKED for it! He killed my son! I will NEVER be sorry!’ Taking a life for another is never our responsibility. No matter how hard that is. If we do, and we repent, God forgives. But if we continuously deny we have done any wrong, why would we want to go to a place of forgiveness? Forgive the person that murdered your son? NEVER! They don’t deserve it! No, they don’t. But nobody deserves it. God offers it for free. Because He loves us. But if you cannot forgive, why would you want to go to a place of forgiveness? If you want to hold onto your hate, (‘She slept with him, the BASTARD! I hate him! He hurt me!’ ‘ I hope she ROTS in Hell! The bitch!’) And cannot see that the hate in your own nature is destroying YOU, how will you want to go to a place where love, forgiveness and redemption are? Heaven is a place for those who know they cannot do it without Gods mercy, forgiveness and love. It is a place for those who have humbled themselves and admitted they got it wrong. No matter how large or small. And like in the parable of the rich man and Lazarus, those who choose their own way, although God will desperately want them to change, He cannot go against what they have chosen. Because He gave us freewill. Like the thief who cursed Jesus on the cross. (Luke 29 v 23-33) He could have asked, like the other thief did, for forgiveness, but he didn’t want it. Like Cain, He didn’t want Gods face, except to spit at. His own ATTITUDE kept him away. And ultimately, it is our ATTITUDE that will either take us to our knees or choose to stamp our feet at the throne of God. Hell is a place for those who believe they are right. They do not need to change. They do not need to get on their knees and that is that. I thank God, that He never, ever gives up. Until there is no chance of a person choosing change.

[mamamickterry]

A few years ago, my boss introduced a fascinating book to our small group – StrengthFinders 2.0. The general concept was that humans spend too much time trying to improve upon our weaknesses instead of sharpening our skills in areas where each individual has the most talent. My co-workers and I took an intensive, validated test and then waited for the magic computer to spew out our secret super powers. In order, my top 5 strengths (with commentary) were:

Restorative: People strong in the Restorative theme are adept at dealing with problems. They are good at figuring out what is wrong and resolving it. I still scratch my head at this one. Maybe they meant causing problems? I am the BOMB at that :) 

Discipline: People strong in the Discipline theme enjoy routine and structure. Their world is best described by the order they create. Raises hand. First-born German Catholic girl here. 

Empathy: People in the Empathy theme can sense the feelings of other people by imagining themselves in others’ lives or others’ situations. I am a self-proclaimed Atticus Finch (pre-Watchman version)

Learner: People strong in the Learner theme have a great desire to learn and want to continuously improve. In particular, the process of learning, rather than the outcome, excites them. Remember that chick with bright notebooks at the beginning of each school semester? The one who was first to school because she couldn’t wait for the doors to open? Yep. That was me! 

Relator: People who are strong in the Relator theme enjoy close relationships with others. They find deep satisfaction in working hard with friends to achieve a goal. No shocker here. Except, don’t make me do team activities, please. I just wanna hang in the corner with my best friend. 

I had hoped for a few more interesting strengths like strategizer or intelligence or something really smart-sounding, but that never happened –even after testing twice. The goal of this test for our organization was to find a diverse set of people with different skills in order to cover all bases.

I hypothesized that these concepts might apply in a marriage as well.

While I didn’t talk hubby into taking the test, I easily postulated what his skills would be.

Grass Whisperer: He doesn’t use a lawn service or have a sprinkler system. I swear he simply walks onto the grass each season and chants magic growing incantations. He mows long after the first frost and complains that his grass is too plush and too abundant.

Circus Monkey Management: In his first career, Scott started as a cable TV tech, then moved to supervisor. Not long after that, he became a manager and then closed that chapter of his life by finishing as one of the top-ranked directors in the country. Now he’s a realtor without people management responsibilities, but that doesn’t mean he’s escaped the monkeys who need a little direction – he has a whole house full.

Flood and Risk Management: At the first threat of rain or a storm, you can bet that hubby has the generator ready, the sump pump primed, and escape routes planned. He doesn’t sleep on these nights, and I know it’s because he feels like it’s his job to keep us safe and dry and completely away from the flood that wrecked us several years ago.

Daddy Extraordinaire: I almost dropped extraordanaire simply because I couldn’t spell it right! But it’s the only word appropriate to describe. He does the hard stuff, and he’s so good at it. He knows when I’ve had a bad day and need a hug. He also knows when to go down to the basement and listen to whatever problem (football, girls, etc) has surfaced for the teenage man-cave dweller living in the basement. Same goes for the sweet girl who moved back home to go to nursing school.

Arranger: I grabbed this one from StrengthFinders 2.0: People strong in the Arranger theme can organize, but they also have a flexibility that complements this ability. They like to figure out how all of the pieces and resources can be arranged for maximum productivity. Need your dishwasher filled to maximum capacity? Scott is your man! Remember the egg photo from my recipe a few weeks ago? That was his work. He even has to make sure that the food is categorized within the shopping basket and on the conveyor belt when we check out–for maximum put-it-away efficiency. Want to see one of his favorite desserts?

An Arranger’s Nirvana

Of his five strengths, you might guess which one causes conflict. For example, how do you suppose an arranger would react to something like this sitting on a counter top otherwise absent of clutter?

  Or this…

  A “normal” person might relish in the accomplishment of fresh veggies from the garden to table to feed the family. Not an arranger. Poor Scott gets itchy when he sees something other than blank space on the cabinet. Our biggest tiff this summer?

What are you going to do with all of those stupid tomatoes we will never eat?

In March, I planted 24 seeds, placed them under grow lights and watched all 24 emerge like they were on plant steroids. Fast forward 4 weeks, and my basement was overrun by green. I moved everything out to the greenhouse in early April and counted the days until I could put those bad boys in the ground. Despite a minor mishap (hard frost, window open) I was able to save 13 of the original 24.

Normally, I’d give away all but six, but something snapped in me and I decided to keep all thirteen–I couldn’t bear to part with any of them.

“Really?” hubs said as he watched me dig a Baker’s dozen worth of holes.

“You are the only one who eats tomatoes in this family.”

Some couples fight over money, or discipline, or sex. Scott and I put on gloves and go to opposite corners when we talk produce.

He pointed at me, “You, little mama, are a vegetable hoarder.”

“I am not a vegetable hoarder!” and then stuffed a handful of purple beans in my pocket and scooped up tomatoes and peppers with my dress.

  In stubborn, German fashion I ignored him and continue to nurture and fertilize all spring and summer. By the end of May, they had grown to mammoth sizes. For June and July, they produced pounds of tomatoes like they supplied a Heinz ketchup factory.

Our family took a vacation to Wyoming in early August and my biggest problem was not packing or finding phone chargers, but trying to figure out what to do with a bazillion tomatoes sitting on my kitchen counter.

I didn’t have enough time to can them

You can’t really freeze tomatoes

My friends ran the other way when they see me coming with produce

For the each of the seven days leading up to the trip, Scott asked, “What are you going to do with those tomatoes?”

Then, his questioning became relentless until I decided to hide them in the garage refrigerator. Once the questions turned from tomatoes to departure times, I knew my  ‘maters were safe until we returned home.

After an awesome week with my family, parents and siblings and their families the tomato problem was still there when we got home. I did what every good vegetable hoarder wife would do. I lied about their existence until the evidence became smelly. I’d planned the entire time to put what I couldn’t eat into my compost.

When I couldn’t find the tomatoes for environmentally conscious disposal, I suspected foul play.

“Honey, did you do something with the tomatoes in the fridge?”

He took a couple of steps back, “What fridge?”

“In the garage?”

He looked puzzled for only a minute, and then his face gave away the crime.

“Did you at least throw them in the compost?”

“They were SMELLING! They were LEAKING! Why did you plant so many tomatoes??”

He spent the next few minutes spewing the anti-logic of planting thirteen bushes for a family who DOES NOT EAT tomatoes. He suggested that I tear up the entire garden and never plant another *($)%($$ tomato seed again. Then he launched into my vegetable hoarding tendencies and threw in a few barbs about the messy garden shed and weedy front bed.

His baby blues burrowed into mine, “Next year. ZERO tomatoes. In fact, why plant any vegetables at all? We can buy them at the store. You should put your whole garden to flowers.”

In my best (feigned) sheepish voice, I conceded, “You’re probably right. I’ll convert the vegetable space to a cottage garden next spring.” Then, I walked away pouting until I was around the corner.

There is only one thing I hoard more than vegetables.

Problem solved – marriage saved. My sexy arranger won’t know what hit him.

My greatest strength? Maybe I am a Restorative after all ;)

****** Part one in a three-part series :)

Attack of the (marriage) Killer Tomatoes A few years ago, my boss introduced a fascinating book to our small group - StrengthFinders 2.0.