#emotionally preparing myself for our boys together on our screens again

[supercalime]

todays mood

[glenngaylord]

OUTFEST 2020 FILM REVIEWS:  The Rest Of The Fest

As the curtain closes on another Outfest, this one presented under extremely unusual circumstances, I sit in awe of the filmmakers and of the staff who put together not only a great group of films, but managed to creatively bring them to its audience online and at drive-in screenings.  Typically, you find yourself having to choose one film over several others, but with this new format, you have a great chance of seeing everything you want.  In past years, I found myself lucky if I saw 15 films.  This year I saw 23 features and 4 shorts programs out of the 160 on the schedule.  

As it’s impossible to get full reviews submitted for everything while the festival is still chugging along, I wanted to write capsules of the remaining films not covered at TheQueerReview.com .  Please visit the website for all the other reviews I wrote as well as those by my colleagues.

THE OBITUARY OF TUNDE JOHNSON ★★★★★

Melding a Groundhog Day-style concept with police violence against black people, this stunning film could not be more prescient and emotionally overpowering.  A black gay teenager relives his moment of murder over and over again, with slight shifts in the narrative taking us to someplace unexpected and earned.  Director Ali LeRoi directs his first feature as if he’s been doing it all of his life and has interpreted Stanley Kalu’s ingenious script with a great cinematic approach.  Gorgeously framed, beautifully acted, written, and directed, this is one of the most powerful films of 2020.

TWO EYES ★★★★★

I can’t form sentences here so I’m gonna vomit out words:  Instant classic. Glorious. Set over three centuries seamlessly melding a triptych of stories about gender identity.  I’m a blubbering mess.  Fantastic and very funny last line.  Travis Fine is a very gifted filmmaker who screams love child of Terrence Malick and Kelly Reichardt.  Heartbreaking. Inspiring. Unforgettable.  Montana is so beautiful.  Barstow is not.  A perfect film for anyone who wants to find their place in the world. I wouldn’t complain if TUNDE and TWO EYES both received Best Picture Oscar nominations.  

DRAMARAMA  ★★★★

Theater nerds rule in this incredibly endearing, early 90s set film about a group of high schoolers discovering themselves in one night at a ridiculous Murder Mystery-themed party.  Hilarious script, vivid and wonderful performances, and the opposite of a “Coming Out” movie in the best possible way.  Jonathan Wysocki has given us The Breakfast Club for air-kissing, mid-Atlantic accented freaks and geeks. 

CICADA ★★★★

What happens when a traumatized, bisexual man who has more sex partners than any standard montage can contain slows things down to concentrate on one kind but also traumatized young man?  This elliptically told film has a fun, flirty side but carries its heaviness with great ease.  A terrific feature debut for director/writer/editor/lead actor Matthew Fifer. 

THE STRONG ONES (LOS FUERTES) ★★★★

From Chile comes this sexy, moving story of two men at cross purposes who form a beautiful bond.  Set against some stunning scenery and mining the chemistry between its two leads for everything it has, I am half-jokingly calling it Brokeback Andes.  It’s so much more than that trite, hackneyed comparison.  

MONSOON ★★★1/2

Director Hong Khaou’s followup to Lilting sets its sights on modern day Vietnam as Henry Golding’s character visits to find a suitable place to distribute his mother’s ashes.  It’s a terrific mediation on a gay man finding a sense of belonging in a place he’s never been and Golding proves himself to be a subtle, compelling actor.  Perhaps a little too quiet and reflective, the film makes up for what it lacks in narrative drive with its awe-inspiring cinematography and immersive qualities.  

P.S. BURN THIS LETTER PLEASE ★★★★1/2

What an unexpected surprise.  Michael Seligman and Jennifer  Tiexiera’s documentary about a treasure trove of letters dating back to the 1950s brings us into the world of drag queens from almost 70 years ago.  With many of its subjects not only alive but in fine form telling their stories and the dishiest voiceover readings ever to grace a film, I was not only thoroughly entertained, but I didn’t expect to weep like Laura Dern at the end.  Oh, this is so so so so good. 

MINYAN ★★★★

Eric Steel’s feature debut has its own unique tone and a star making performance by Samuel H. Levine, a spitting image of a young Al Pacino/Sylvester Stallone hybrid.  With its 1980s Jewish Brighton Beach backdrop, this powerful yet subtle film about a young man coming to terms with his sexuality as well as his place within his religion, it’s a stunning debut.  Ron Rifkin is stellar as Levine’s charming grandfather and Alex Hurt (William Hurt’s son) has his father’s intensity.  Fantastic, lived-in production design which feels like its decade without resorting to the usual candy colored tropes and a evocative score makes this a memorable experience.  Reminiscent at times of On The Waterfront, this film puts a fresh new spin on a coming of age tale and finds so many moving moments from first sex to an elderly gay couple hiding in plain sight.  A must-see. 

SHIVA BABY ★★★★

Writer/Director Emma Seligman must have studied Rosemary’s Baby quite a bit with this angsty story set mostly at a memorial service.  Rachel Sennott is fantastic as a young lesbian who moves from one cringe-worthy moment to the next in an attempt to avoid as much conflict as possible.  The great supporting cast includes Polly Draper, Fred Melamed, Dianna Agron, Molly Gordon, and Jackie Hoffman, all note perfect.  Less a comedy and more of an emotional horror story, Seligman knows how to make the best of a cramped space and throw up an endless variety of obstacles.  You just want Sennott’s Danielle to get her goddamned bagel with lox and cream cheese, but the fates have something else, something better, in store. 

COWBOYS ★★★★

Steve Zahn gives a career best performance in this moving story of a father with mental health issues and his trans son escaping into the Montana wilderness.  Sasha Knight makes an impressive debut as Zahn’s son and Jillian Bell expertly walks that fine line between villain and empathetic character.  Its comparisons to Butch Cassidy And The Sundance Kid are not coincidental.  Not perfect by any stretch, it may feel fairly conventional, but it’s tackling a vibrant subject matter.  Extra points for giving Ann Dowd a role where we don’t hiss at her. 

BREAKING FAST ★★★

Solid romcom with a Muslim backdrop, this very tight, deceptively simple script provides just the right amount of sparks between its charming leads, Haaz Sleiman and Michael Cassidy.  While structurally not breaking new ground, the entry point into a world we don’t see enough of on screen coupled with food porn for days makes this a fun, funny, goes down easy delight.

ASK ANY BUDDY ★★★1/2

Q: Daddy!  Daddy!  What were the 70s like down at the Piers in NYC?   A: Oh shut up and watch this movie.  

An experimental collage of vintage gay porn and archival footage from the disco, pre-AIDS heyday gives this film a mesmerizing, museum installation quality.  While technically without a story, you feel like you’ve gone on a journey nonetheless.  Would pair well with William Friedkin’s Cruising. 

DRY WIND ★★★1/2

Slow cinema meets voyeuristic gay porn in this one of a kind Brazilian exploration an arid small town, a workers’ union crisis, and a man obsessed with the Tom Of Finland drawing come to life who motors into his life.  Overlong and a little too obtuse as it goes along, it’s worth watching this Alice In Wonderland takes a quaalude, gets a very hairy back, and has a lot of sex in the dirt. 

NO HARD FEELINGS ★★★★

This year’s Teddy Award Winner at the Berlin Film Festival, Faraz Shariat’s film uses its backdrop of a refugee camp in Germany to tell the story of Iranians and Irani-Germans searching for a better life.  Its three leads bring a spark and youthful energy to a story with devastating undercurrents.  A wrenching glimpse into the emotional effects an oppressive culture has on its people, yet told with a driving pulse. 

LILY TOMLIN: THE FILM BEHIND THE SHOW ★★★

A look behind the scenes as Lily Tomlin and wife Jane Wagner workshop their legendary 1980s Broadway show, The Search For Signs Of Intelligent Life In The Universe.  It’s great to see these two at the top of their game and get a glimpse of their creative process, but this documentary is almost devoid of incident and feels more like a sweet gift to the fans than a fully realized film. 

SHORTS: WHAT A BOY NEEDS ★★★1/2

A mixed bag here of people searching for excitement, I found a couple of gems here nonetheless.  Not to take away from the shorts I don’t mention, I want to single out two exceptional films. Ruben Navarro’s Of Hearts And Castles looks great, has a beautiful vibe, and shows us a lovely connection forming right before our eyes.  Kiko’s Saints proves highly original as we follow a female Japanese artist on assignment in France become obsessed with a gay couple who have a lot of sex on the beach.  Combining animation with fairly explicit sex, I loved seeing the male gaze from a female perspective. 

THE CAPOTE TAPES ★★1/2

I love Truman Capote. I grew up at a time when smart authors found themselves on talk shows and were treated like superstars.  I’ve read his books and always have been in awe of his ability to be himself.  Featuring never-before-heard tapes of Capote’s friends being interviewed by George Plimpton, unfortunately, I don’t think this repetitive documentary gave me anything all that new.  It’s still touching at times and for the uninitiated, this is a great overview of his life, but I was watching the clock. 

OUT LOUD ★★★1/2

A moving look at the Trans Chorus of Los Angeles as they prepare for their first public performance.  With its ticking clock storyline, director Gail Willumsen expertly interweaves storylines of its founder and members.  As such, you really learn what’s a stake and what it means to them.  I was lucky enough to see the chorus perform David Bowie’s Ziggy Stardust a few years ago and basked in the power of its mere existence…and was also ridiculously entertained. 

TWILIGHT’S KISS (SUK SUK)  ★★★1/2

This quiet charmer form Hong Kong shows us something we almost never get to see on film - two elderly gay men meeting and falling in love.  The fact that both have been married to women doesn’t stop them from exploring their feelings.  A little to gentle by half, I still was in awe of this rarity.

[depressedoverdrawings]

Can you hear the tumult of our youth?

KazeKi is the first romance I’ve ever enjoyed, or rather, that I emotionally connected with, as “enjoy” is a funny word choice for a work that made me feel so miserable. Personally, I’ve never enjoyed media that focuses on relationships and love, were they movies, TV, or literature.

But after I discovered KazeKi, I found myself drawn to it, almost involuntarily so. It was as if a spell had been cast. I suppose what superficially drew me in, at first, was the art. It had the charm of retro manga (I absolutely love retro manga/anime looks, IMO they have so much more character than most modern anime and manga), the nostalgic elegance of the idealized upper-class XIX century, and the unrelenting beauty and cuteness of all the boys.

It was mildly surreal and highly entertaining to witness the seed of so many shounen-ai visual tropes: The flower motifs, the flowery poetry, the impossibly pretty boys in dramatic embraces and breathy kisses, the aggressive frenchness of it all. Even it was shocking to me how these elements, instead of striking me as the tired, sappy tropes I saw them as, were now all genuine and beautiful, somehow. Even those silly sparkles around pretty boys seemed fitting. I realized these weren’t tropes back then, but elements of a sincere artistc vision. However, while the art was mesmerizing to me, I came to realize that what drew me in deeper, and kept me anchored to KazeKi, were the themes explored, and the character-based drama, the very stuff I had always avoided.

Without getting far too personal about it, Kaze to Ki no Uta was the first romance that struck something within me, somewhere personal. Now, I certainly have never faced trauma and pain anywhere near to what poor Gilbert and Serge face in their absurdly depressing story, but I definitely wouldn’t call myself emotionally and sexually resolved and healthy, and once upon a time I was a closeted boy in a catholic school, so I guess there’s space for a little bit of self-identification. My coping mechanism to my personal woes had always been to just bottle them up and distract myself with entertainment and art. And that was exactly what I was doing, browsing music on YouTube, when I stumbled upon the KazeKi OVA’s soundtrack.

I found myself listening to this gorgeous arrangement of a Chopin piece, and thought to myself, staring at the angelic figure looking back at me, across the screen: “Gee whilikers, that’s sure is a pretty drawing of a pretty girl”. Then, after reading the comments, I found out that was a boy. As much as the “draw a girl, call it a boy” school of drawing pretty boys makes me groan, I could still feel it, that first hook of interest, stabbing me. As the slideshow enticed me with pictures of Keiko Takemiya’s gorgeous art, I found myself enamoured by it. It was a particular drawing that made KazeKi finally snatch me: that same boy, lounging angelically on some sort of abstract architectural design; in the background, a neoclassical vase flanked by two neoclassical girls, and, above and below, this stunningly beautiful vegetation. So much care, skill, and good taste, concentrated in just one image! I’d have it as a poster, if I could. So, I googled “Kaze to Ki no Uta”, unwittingly throwing myself in a rabbit hole I could not have prepared myself for. Trying to read it was in itself a journey, but, to sum it up: I managed to read it about as well as one can, if they don’t speak japanese and have no access to the spanish and italian translations.

It had been years since I had started feeling emotionally numb. My most extreme displays of emotion came in the form of quiet, teary eyes, reserved for those rare, impactful pieces of art, and those rarer moments of despair-inducing introspection that I couldn’t manage to suppress, but even those lasted little, as I fought to recover my composure. By the end of Kaze to Ki no Uta, I was a sobbing wreck, doing my best (and failing) to contain my ugly crying. Ugly crying, for god’s sake. I was ugly crying, actually sobbing like a kid, because of an yaoi manga. Crying in the shower, even! What kind of weeb had I degenerated into? It hurt. It deeply hurt, in a way I hadn’t been made to hurt in a long, long while. KazeKi had impacted me to the point that I wasn’t just sad, I was scared too, as the waterfall of emotion opened the path for that deeper, personal darkness to come out. And it did.

Now, I admit I’d been a little bit more emotionally fragile than usual right before I read it, due to the effects of the quarantine and the previous consumption of a highly depressing piece of media: Les Amitiés Particulières, which is probably even more depressing than KazeKi as it deals with a much more grounded homophobia-induced tragedy based in real life. Somehow, it didn’t impact me as much as KazeKi, however. Also, it was definitely what influenced my personal YouTube algorithm to recommend me the KazeKi soundtrack, so I wouldn’t know of KazeKi if it weren’t for Amitiés. But even then, it felt unnatural to, well, feel so much. I hadn’t felt this invested in and attached to fictional characters ever since I was a little kid, too young to realize those people in the TV weren’t real. In the following couple of weeks, I was crying over these boys, spending whole days feeling like trash, feeling mild anxiety spikes whenever I remembered about KazeKi, having (even more) difficulty falling asleep, and utterly failing to avoid thinking about my deep-seated intimate issues, all because of these dumb, pretty anime boys. Not even my trusty prayer of “they’re not real people, stop being stupid” worked. In an attempt to stop wallowing in this shounen-ai hell, I decided to consume a whole lot of escapist media while I deliberately avoided any activity related to KazeKi, be it reading the manga, listening to the OVA’s soundtrack, looking at fanart, or even just thinking about it. It “worked” for a month or so, but now I’m back here, wallowing in KazeKi’s painful beauty again, stalking the other seven people in the western world that seem to care about KazeKi, and distilling my thoughts in this bizarre textwall, in an attempt to work it out. If you’re one of those seven people, please don’t refrain from talking to me, if you feel like it! I’ve had just one opportunity to have a conversation about KazeKi, and it was in YouTube comments, for heaven’s sake. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m this afflicted by KazeKi due to its unrelenting, merciless, cruel beauty. Everything about it is presented in this assembly of pure beauty and lost perfection, this painful nostalgia that is present in its aesthetics of an idealized Europe which lives only in its surviving art, that is present in the story which ultimately tells us of the loss of love, and is present in the fact that the whole story is a broken man’s reverie about the past. Tragedy might make me sad, but tragedy with beauty will destroy me. Bittersweetness is just so more cruel than bitterness. And it was this masterpiece of sadistic bittersweetness that permanently broke something in how I deal with my emotions. Kaze to Ki no Uta touched me deeply, to the point of leaving a permanent impression, I’m afraid. I can count in one hand the pieces of art that have punched my soul in the face like KazeKi did. I am honestly flabbergasted over the effect it had over me. At first I felt embarrassed over being emotionally obliterated by a freaking shounen-ai, but I’ve since come to the conclusion that KazeKi is a work of art, a genuine, sincere work of art, deserving of the title. Now I just hope I’m not alone in being emotionally obliterated by this freaking shounen-ai. After everything they went through, the personal fights, the shaky development of their relationship, the undeserved ostracism at Lacombrade, Auguste’s demonic persecution, the escape; how could it be that Gilbert’s life would end in such a horrible way, and that Serge would be left alone to face the full, unbearable weight of his grief! Why?! Keiko Takemiya, you’re a vile sadist. You’re a genius, too, of course. But you’re a vile sadist.

I knew that a happy ending wasn’t going to happen. The horrible ending was a pretty early spoiler, really. Unfortunately for me, I couldn’t stop myself from reading on anyway, and I couldn’t stop myself from having an inkling of illogical hope. Even if my logical self knew a happy ending wasn’t gonna happen, it couldn’t prepare me for just how tragically their love would end, and how awful it all would feel, once I knew their full story.

It’s all the more bitter because of how close Serge came to saving him, too. Having escaped together to a place where they could’ve built the nearest thing to a normal life a gay couple could have, back then. But in the end, not even Serge’s love could mend Gilbert’s mutilated soul. Those boys deserved so much better, especially Serge. Serge, you sweet angel! You were created to suffer.

KazeKi really is a masterpiece in how it explores its extremely heavy themes and the minds of its characters, and how it flawlessly meshes that with perfect art. There are many moments in KazeKi that haunt me: Serge letting that bird go, Serge’s vision of Gilbert at the Lacombrade grounds, Gilbert running into the carriage, angel wings behind him; Serge laying alone on the bed in Room 17. I cannot look at those pages without tearing up and feeling this horrible feeling in my heart, and this feeling is literal: My heart actually feels heavy and constricted when I think about it, it can’t be healthy. Up until now, I thought “cri evrytiem” was just a meme. KazeKi has woken me up to the fact that bottling up one’s own personal issues will inevitably end with them exploding out, leading to something much, much worse. I am scared by the prospect of facing my personal issues. To me, they are horribly strong, and seem incredibly hard to solve, if they’re even solvable at all. I’m horrified by the prospect of facing them, working to solve them. I’m so scared, that simply thinking about it, right now, gives me this awful weight in my chest, and makes me want to cry, again. But I know now that I have no choice in this matter, as the only alternative is that abyss I dare not speak of, and one cannot return from. Melodramatic? Yes. But I did just read Kaze to Ki no Uta.

Thank you for getting this far, whoever you are.

I’m forever haunted by Serge’s words to his long-gone Gilbert, right at the beginning:

“Gilbert Cocteau, you were the greatest flower to ever bloom in my life. In the faraway dreams of youth, you were a bright red flame, blazing so fiercely… You were the wind that stirred my branches. Can you hear the poem of the wind and trees? Can you hear the tumult of our youth? Oh, there must be others who so remember their own days of youth…”

[spnreactionblogging]

DESPAIR

SPOILERS BELOW / tw suicide sort of

ah the title really does sum this up. I am filled with such dread going in. I know cas gets sent to super hell, I know the destiel shippers are declaring it canon (but then, when haven't they), and I've heard from a reliable source that the show officially as of just now is queerbaiting for real by making it vague and easy to ignore it instead of actually confirming anything. plus nobody seems to give a fuck about jack, as usual, and sam didn't get to say goodbye? god how can this get better???? I hope buckleming got to fucking murder castiel! that would really improve this for me!!! the cherry on the shit sundae for real so okay here goes. ugh. I have this angel's envy bourbon at 1PM, oops. I feel like I will need it for this one more than the others I also am ensconced in my castiel trenchcoat + "be super good" shirt, and cas, crowley, and sam the q-pals are joining me. dean is banished to remain in the tote bag they live in. god I want to scream. this fucking synopsis "With the plan in full motion, Sam, Dean, Castiel and Jack fight for the good for the common goal." oh the plan to use Jack as a suicide bomb???? great idea. lol I hate this. whose "common good"????????? ah but yes dean runs a dictatorship right. no wonder chuck butts heads with him dean looks so fucking smug in the amazon prime video app, hovering over the episode where cas will die horribly. fuck. there is nothing that can emotionally prepare me for this episode the show is going to end with sam and dean because it started with sam and dean and chuck/the IRL writers are bitter about it I guess??? delete fucking everything god, very fucking cute of dean to be like WE GOTTA DO SOMETHING!!! you fucking piece of shit you forcememed this to go as quickly as possible because you want Jack fucking dead, don't pretend you care god. fuck. jack apologizing for dying, to the empty. I hate everything so much ah, so that's why the opening title screen has been that. gross. horrible. a jack singularity is that it? really? jack's dead? just like that. okay. awful. oh he's MAYBE dead. reassuring. I see that briana buckmaster and jim beaver will be joining us my cat is sitting in front of the TV trying to prevent me from watching this, trying to save me from myself oh and felicia day oh this one's written by robert berens, I mostly trust him I think sam should've photocopied the book first oh hey RSJ directed this one I'm glad to have rachel miner back in any capacity that's... alpha/omega on the side there? makes sense I hope it's a fake book god I love sam sitting on the like. what is that, weird equipment panels? more confirmation sam is queer, you heard it here what leverage does dean even think he has cool jack's just getting tortured now "the boy is still useful" at least billie isn't pretending to care about him. oh she left the book thank fuck cas goes to him right away, please hug this child alcohol is not gonna help you guys sleep oh here's dean's half-assed apology. "sorry not sorry that I just couldn't stop, I couldn't help it, I just wanted to get what I wanted, and now that I didn't get what I wanted, sowwy uwu I guess" "you've snapped me out of worse" yeah don't minimize this, sam oh yeah michael exists. I notice dean refers to him as michael and not including adam. way to go I notice that sam does not drink right away "to somehow" those eggs look great "no guns at the table" is a solid rule not only for how miserable that is, but because everything surrounding firearms is a carcinogen and doesn't need to be near food please love yourself charlie please eat good eggs am I supposed to know stevie, was she part of the alternate universe, I still like never watched most of 10-13 oh we're gonna kill MULTIPLE queer characters in this episode, awesome. we gonna kill charlie AGAIN??????? we brought her back just to kill her off, AGAIN? LIKE KEVIN? and bobby I guess?? can I just say how much I hate the concept of a "final boss fight" like why is it always ending in a fight, why is violence always the answer, and why do we feel like one final violent action will solve all the problems huh charlie's shirt looks like a tycho album cover okay so I didn't forget stevie, she was brand new? maybe? I love cas and jack :( feels strange because this all sucks there's no such thing as destiny, jack don't fucking die for sam and dean and 'the world' damn right, cas, he doesn't need "absolution" well that's true for you, cas, you care because he's him. dean just wants to use him cas and jack are good. charlie this was so not your fault. as usual this is the winchesters' fault. tell 'em charlie!!! get 'em!!! you're not sorry, dean. "What now?" is a huge fucking mood, dean oh, greg! our old friend! greg was a real one (but not anymore) yeah eileen's screwed. this includes sam too. and dean i guess. sam is a good person who cares about people despite dean's best efforts to stop him I can't see who he's texting. are cas and jack in the back? poor eileen :( god poor sam having to basically get eileen in front of eyewitnesses who can attest that she disappeared cas and jack are in the backseat yeah I wish he'd tell her she's never gonna reply now yeah she's gone. interesting use of technology that they couldn't've done earlier in the series, to show she was typing but then stopped god that's awful. fuck. "If I let myself go then I'll lose my mind. I can't, right now." that's a huge fucking mood sam let's just postpone all that grief for later. gotta shove it down. huge fucking mood. god I'm so sorry somewhere central... the... bunker? don't split everyone up dean, fuck yes revenge is definitely the answer. killing things is the answer. "not having a choice" is obviously the answer. you fucker we get a sam and dean hug but where's the one for cas. you can like... see it in sam and jack's eyes that they are worried they're never gonna see them again. I'm horrified that cas isn't getting to say goodbye to jack nor sam. I can't handle this. I guess this scene is where they took that last group photo that misha posted back in march? RIP :( oh hey donna jack, that feeling is TheDepression oh gas-n-sip sam's sweet to try to give jack some autonomy here instead of having him just... being shuffled around like baggage. is that eileen's car then this music is intense don't burn the fucking library also wow dean with the reaper blade again is oof. wow. yikes. dean is become death, destroyer of worlds for real. jesus that is fucking horrifying to see. aren't you, dean? aren't you a bringer of death. remember when you hated doing that back in season... 4? 5? later? dean has learned nothing. sam's been trapped in a silo before hasn't he. or that panic room or something. donna is sweet. jack is good. jack deserves better. sam :( donna is very kind I like hearing jody and garth mentioned even if they're not in this episode (?) oh hey charlie sam at least knows how you feel, charlie I like this set god I've missed jim beaver is jack going around with spraypaint? I'm like oh god there's no ventilation. I guess it's a paint bucket but still the fumes are bad. better than being evaporated though I guess big man on campus. RIP stanford sam at least there's a bucket. praeses magna. "president large"? thinking about how it would be impossible to have extras for episodes 19 and 20 I like watching jack paint RIP that plant. apparently he has his powers dean walks around way too comfortably with the reaper scythe. oh but the plan has changed. did billie leave that book and nobody read it?????? dean you don't have friends, bud. yeah how did you tink you would even stand a chance, dean. this is the worst plan ever I'm so tired of seeing cas get tortured. I don't want to see billie get hurt either. is "billie" actually the empty or something "Has virtutes conliga. Eas integra. Eas firma. Nos omnes serva." = "These virtues bind. Those infected. These are strong. We keep them all." idk google translate, I feel like that may not be "infected" but more like integrity I like the effects they did on the wardings there yeah pretty much you can't stop god oh I'm real sad about that couple who vanished together :( bye charlie bye bobby. :( bye donna??? oh that like gold paint gossamer looking shit going on with billie's arm is cool god I'm glad billie smacked him in the face, dean deserves it. I just rewound it to see dean get clocked again, it's so worth it so they went back to the bunker... for what? billie can just go there. sam and jack are gonna have such a rough fucking day. all those double cheeseburgers are back for revenge on dean billie's right actually. dean always thinks the rules don't apply to him because he thinks he should be making the rules. castiel should be with jack, not with dean. fuck. can't cas still heal people the scythe on the wall is a good visual. I really like lisa berry, she does an amazing job is this the same room with the ma'lak box always happy to bleed for the winchesters. christ. fuck. even with dean's pocketknife. cas I'm so sorry. sweetheart you don't deserve this. 7B? so Jack was trapped in 5B, this is a different room but probably the same actual setpiece just rearranged do you just... have to wait her out yeah yeah dean you suck. correct, you never should've left sam and jack. wow I feel zero sympathy for dean at all. you do it to yourselllllf you do, that's what really hurts. oh baby don't summon the empty please :( I'm so glad to know that cas never told them about how he saved jack, it's none of their business yeah it would be with jack, cas. you should be with him man this is shitty. this is like a bad fanfic for real. wow these shots are like, when it cuts between them it's so obvious these were not the same camera lmao fuck. how many takes was this god i hate dean. he has not done this for love. dean is a spiteful person. "you're the most caring man on earth" literally kill me. I want to die. jesus fuck. i want to be dead this is awful this sucks this actually really hurts. this sucks so much. dean you squandered this angel's life. now jack has no father. i hate you dean winchester. i hate you. you don't deserve cas loving you jack knows, jack can feel it. I hate hate hate hate hate hate that jack is left alone with the winchesters. i hate this. jesus fuck i hate this so much i hate this jack sweetheart I'm so sorry dean you fucking ass please pick up the fucking phone. please answer sam. i hate you god dean i hate you fuck dean you are the worst. fuck my life. fuck all this. fuck this show. i'm so angry castiel deserves so much better than this. fuck i'm so mad. why wasn't his moment of happiness knowing that JACK WASN'T GOING TO DIE. i hate this. I'm so upset. fucking shit-ass writing. and it's still not fucking canon you morons at least uh they don't have to have extras for the last two episodes? did they add that footage after? is that what got changed up? everyone's gone huh. god just. dump the show right into the trash. bye. also for fuck's sake nobody gives a fuck about jack like I didn't even know he survived. nobody cares. "sam didn't get to say goodbye" FUCKING JACK DIDN'T GET TO SAY GOODBYE fuck this so much. fuck, is dean just chuck's OC? made in his image and furious that his mini-me isn't acting the way he wants? is that why he gets exonerated at every turn? "all the evil shit you did is fine dean you're the MOST LOVING AND THE BESTEST EVER!!!" fuuuuuck

[prorevenge]

The Mean Girls club gets destroyed

So a while back I had the joy of stopping around 5 girls who had been openly using and abusing people. Most of them ended up losing partners and almost all their friends one lost their job two went to jail and they all lost their social status.

So context, years ago I worked in a large corporate store, trust me you would know if I told you the name. Now during this time I was in a dark place emotionally for various reasons and was very much a loaner which led to me being a target for this one girl (let’s call her CS for cos-play slut) now I know it sounds terrible me calling her that but really it’s what she was and trust me as this story goes on you’ll see why.

Now she quickly befriends me and gets me to help with video editing and photo shots I say yes as at the time I was trying to get into content creation and figured it’d help and I was a very lonely depressed virgin at the time and any girl showing interest in me made my brain go crazy. Looking back I kick myself for letting her use me that way but I was stupid and didn’t know better. This girl used me for everything from making me edit videos for her and her friends totaling around 3 or 4 videos a day all with different styles and length to getting up early to help with shoots that had to be done at sun up to get “the magic hour”. (I know it’s a real thing but still not the best thing to spend your day doing when your days off are spent making videos)

As well as using my help for her online stuff she used me for a lot of other things rides to her “meetings” with potential photographers (she never picked her them she was just sleeping with them) to buying her movie tickets that’d she would go to claim being alone with me in a theatre made her nervous so I’d have to wait outside for then I’d have to buy her food on a daily basis at work then if we ever did anything outside of it.

Now I know this sounds like I was the worlds biggest cuck and yeah I was. I had no self confidence as previously stated was a virgin with very little ability to socialize and never learned to choose how and when to give my help. So I was an easy target for all this, my parents tried to warn me against it but i didn’t listen and even at one point told her I liked her only for her to laugh in my face.

This went on for months in that time I quit content creation but was still editing her videos and was always doing something for her. One day while she was having me buy her supplies for another cosplay we ran into another girl whom we will call RB (random bitch) she was nice enough very energetic at first and I felt like we could get along so we exchanged info and became friends on fb. Afterwards CS told me how she was in a relationship and not to try and hit on her not even talk to her because I gave off a “creeper” vibe.

I only mention that interaction before this next one because it is chronological and because it was the first time I can ever trace back to the two of them working together against me. So after that CS starts going after another guy not gonna give him a special name but let’s just say he was terrible I mean really bad. Him and CS meet up once bang them he tells her all these lies about emotional damage and how they have to keep things a secret but still wants to be together. She believes him but he ghosts her she gets worried and has me look into from my end with an old friend. Now here two things happen that to this day I’m happy happened because it let me later on get my revenge the first was I created a second fb account pretending to be a girl the next was CS gave me full access to her fb.

Now like I said this dude was bad news he was cheating on her didn’t even need to catfish him just sent him a friend request and got dp back. Then I learned from some friends he did this serially and then ran across a girl who after I asked her about him responded “that’s the man that raped me don’t contact me again.”

I gathered all this evidence and brought it to CS and she flat out refused to believe it was real claiming I had faked it and was just jealous of him and that she and I were never going to be friends again. I said ok and we stopped being friends.

Now then that was my interaction with CS, after we broke off our friendship I started messaging RB and we became friends little did I know the real story behind them. I’ll be quicker with this than with RB but to put it lightly she was worse she would constantly have me just give her money and buy her things like expensive things. I never felt like I could say no because if I did she would give a sob story about her sad childhood and me being a bleeding heart would cave.

This went on for two years during which time I got a lot better more self confident and a better all around person but i always would go back to my sad self when she would belittle me. Finally I had had enough I told her to stop messaging me and we weren’t friends anymore. She took it hard dragging my name thru the mud at the end of it I had one friend left.

Skip ahead two months and I’m feeling way better I’m smiling more often no longer wanna take my own life and am feeling great. But I was still upset about everything that had happened but couldn’t do anything that was until I got bored one day and was looking thru my phone and saw something interesting. CS’s account was still logged into my phone a second profile. On a lark I tried opening it it let me she hadn’t changed her password and had given it permission to just sign in.

I thought I was just gonna have a weird voyeuristic look into her life but what I found was even worse a fb group that was literally called “Mean Girls Club” in it I found 5 girls including RB and CS all talking about what they were getting guys to buy them and do for them. It was horrid to look at I scrolled up and up and up all the way to the first message and it went back years. I don’t know how but these 5 had been doing it for so long it was crazy.

It was then I started to form a plan. The first thing I did was screen shot everything and when I mean everything I mean I had thousands of pictures from this including but not limited to pictures of stuff they had bought or had bought for them. Nudes of their partners or of people they were interested in and then the biggest one a shared drop box folder filled with pictures and videos of them doing a lot of nasty stuff I mean really bad. Apparently this whole thing was set up so that none of them could stop nor back down at anytime due to the blackmail Dropbox and the fact the rest of the group would back the others.

I know this is crazy to understand but let me put it this way from what I gathered to OG group was a total of 8 girls and 1 guy the numbers that left all were told they would be ruined and boy was it bad. I read about them making some of the people leaving lose their jobs and families falsely accusing the one guy of rape of which if what they said was true he was forced to move to another state because of the rumors.

On top of that they ruined a local store making them go out of business and then getting another guy thrown in jail after they accused him of attacking one of them. I can list plenty of what they did that was bad but mostly all of it was them bragging about guys they were using for stuff and money and what they could get them to buy them. I of course was on there as was everything I ever bought them totaling around 5500 over two years. The two of them CS and RB were so proud of what they did.

I was astonished by what had happened and was honestly very hurt by it all I knew they were bitches but nothing of this level. So I did what anybody would do I turned them against each other. The first thing I did was use my fake profile to enter into the group chat under the guise of a friend of CS’s. Took some time and creative use of the two profiles but I did it then moved onto insight some war by messaging each of them about the others of the course of a month I had them all suspicious of each other with some he said she said then I struck with one reveal.

I sent RB’s bf a message from CS’S profile in sighting them to openly flirt then took a step back and told RB about it. All the while with my fake profile I told CS that RB wanted to burn her by sending out her blackmail then I messaged the rest relaying info on the upcoming conflict telling them to prepare to burn another person if someone else struck (think start of world war 1 but with 20 something girls). 3 hours was all it took from went that past message went out to the first “bomb” fell. It was glorious each one destroying the other telling significant others about lies cheating and theft. Jobs being called about misuse of company property and inappropriate behavior in the work place. Full on sex tapes were posted to tons of porn sites.

It was three months later that the dust cleared everyone but CS had deleted their social media accounts. It was then that CS started in on my fake account demanding for some form a of repayment stating she had never added me to the the group and that no one had had any dirt on me so I was unscathed. I responded with “Well let’s just say I’m a bitch, the names Karma.”

I deleted the profile and lost the login info for CS. I keep the Dropbox stuff though and screenshots since I’m sure if they ever put two and two together they could guess who I was. But now a full year later nothing.

I’ve not been able to know more then the basic repercussions of this sense I didn’t know the other three personally but RB ended up homeless for a few months before going to jail sense some of the blackmail was a video of her doing drugs while skipping a court date about drug use (she openly stated in the video the date and that the courts could suck it and told them later she was helping a friend go thru some hard time to get an extension) jail due to her breaking parole and lying to a judge. CS lost her day job and all but around 30 of over 5k followers as well as her bf who she was cheating on then he back up bf since she was cheating on him with another guy who was just in it for the sex. Last I heard she moved back in with her parents and can’t keep a job due to her running into people who know what happened.

TL:DR Got emotionally and financially used by two girls and then made their mean girl chat destroy each other’s lives.

PS if rslash is reading this hope you know you inspired me to share this because your vids are amazing.

(source) story by (/u/notmine1337)

[teengrowth-blog]

One for Sorrow, Two for Joy

It’s been around 3 months since my explosive break-up with my boyfriend of 17 months. Some people don’t understand the pain that accompanies losing the person with whom you planned your entire life- at least not until they experience it firsthand. 

The reason for the argument that we had the day we broke up (28th September 2019) has always been a bit hazy, because I think it was just a silly disagreement that escalated when it shouldn’t have. All I know is that it had something to do with him arguing with his Mum about the wifi and me hanging up on the bank to try and help him.                                                                          About 3 hours after I had arrived at his house, I was slamming his front door shut and walking back towards the train station, crying harder and harder with every step I took.                                                                                                    That night, I ended up sleeping over my friends house, who was a male, and lived local to my ex. However, his best friend was also there (who knew my ex, which was slightly awkward.)                                                                                  Anyhow, that evening I was overcome with emotion, and in my vulnerable state, I ended up having sex with my friend. I’m not going to sit behind my phone screen and attempt to justify what happened- because I know it was wrong. It just happened in the heat of the moment. 

My ex and I got back together the next day, and I was prepared to tell him about everything that had happened the previous night - but I was going to tell him in person. I didn’t even get the chance to do that, though, because the mutual friend that my ex and the boy (who I thought was my friend) shared without knowing one another messaged my ex and told him before I got the chance.     He began to allow his friends to convince him that I was manipulative, when, if anything, he was sometimes emotionally abusive, invalidating my feelings on a regular basis, making me apologise for addressing things that hurt me or bothered me. I put up with this because I loved him. I still do.

That night, it hit me that I’d lost the one person who promised he would always love and support me. I’d lost the person who would cuddle me to sleep, keeping me warm in his arms. I’d lost the person who was always on my side- even when it felt like the world was against me. I’d lost the person who I trusted with my life- we planned our wedding, what we would name our kids in the future, and talked for hours about how happy we were together. He’d always kiss me on my forehead, and call me his ‘future wife.’ He’d always say that “the only thing he would change about me was my last name”, and it makes me feel sick to think of him giving that to somebody besides me. It breaks my heart to think of him having the future that WE planned with someone else. 

When I actually came to terms with the fact that I had lost the person who I KNEW was the love of my life, I turned to the one thing I knew would always be there. I started hurting myself again, and I felt nothing but emptiness. 

Two of his ‘acquaintances’ attend my college (where I started in Year 10), one of whom used to always split us up, and promised to support me after the breakup, but went behind my back- which, of course, I did not let her get away with. She is in a group chat with her boyfriend and heaps of other people- which is basically dedicated to me, because all they seem to do is screen shot my SnapChat stories (I see you watching me through subscriptions.) My ex constantly claims that he ‘no longer loves me’ and when people tell me that he has said this, it hurts like hell.

It’s terrifying that somebody can pull you out of ‘The Dark Place’ and reignite your flame, but then they can extinguish your hopes, your emotions and your dreams and put you right back underneath the dark cloud that hovered over your head. Someone can go from protagonist to antagonist so so quickly, and you won’t even realise it, because you’re so blinded by your love for them. 

It sounds so pathetic, but I’m clinging on so so tightly to the possibility that one morning, I will wake up to a phone call from him, telling me that he loves me, but it never happens. 

Maybe I should get on with my life, but I can’t let go, because I do not want to be without him.                   

[moirica]

Quartet Night Live Future 2018 Report 11/04

Is this real? Is it just a fantasy? No, it’s real. A real true report of a live that, when I got into Uta no Prince Sama 3 and a half years ago, I never would have imagined attending. That, after the last Quartet Night Live, I dreamed of attending but never thought it would happen.

If you can’t tell already this report will probably be a little rambling and all over the place (not in the least because I was left emotionally broken by this live which has never happened before to me). I will do my best to share my experience here, so that others can see it, but more for myself to look back on in the future as well. I NEVER want to forget this live.

I suppose I could start with getting the ticket. I’m just going to state right out that I am the luckiest person alive and I don’t know how I won. My ticket came from the CD lottery. When the seats came out I found out I had an arena seat, A block. I pretty much died right then, two or so months before the live.

In terms of goods I didn’t end up with much this year through a mixture of choice and circumstance. I am terrible at remembering the deadlines for online orders so I missed those. The pre-sales were on the other side of the country so those were out. I also didn’t want to do my usual of spending the day in the goods line. Every time I’ve done that for Utapri I have a shitty experience. Thankfully they had a goods line during the live on Saturday and so I went then. The line was quite small and I got through in maybe no more than 15 minutes. I managed to pick up a few of the things I wanted, the pamphlet and the blanket were the main ones, so I was happy. Most things were sold out though, except lights this time because they were part of the tickets I suppose.

The next thing I want to mention is the amazing time I had with the people I met this weekend. I knew I was meeting with some friends from a LINE group but somehow over the weekend we stumbled across so many other foreigners and it was amazing to make new friends to share the crazy with.

I know I’ve posted the flower stand picture before but this stand that was from us foreign fans was a highlight of my weekend. It meant so much to me and the other people who contributed to it. Watching people take pictures of it (it was hella popular) and react to it was fantastic. Also during the live *spoilers* they talked about the flower stands and while the international stand was not mentioned then they did say that a video of all the stands had been recorded for them, so rest assured that it was seen by Quartet Night.

Eventually it was time to go in. I’d heard many things about the venue. That it seemed pretty small and had no real bad seats. I was not prepared for where I ended up. I was so close. There were still people closer of course but I’ve never been this close in an event before. Que the freaking out before it even started. They had some fun recordings of the QN boys for while you waited that would play every 15 minutes or so. Reiji and Ai and then Ranmaru and Camus. They were funny. Also people gave little squeals any time they came on.

Finally it was time. The lights went down, music started. This time the opening video was of all the previous milestones for Quartet Night, the games and the anime and the lives, all leading up to this event. Then everything went dark and there was the silhouette of a clock and the sound of it striking and they were there. It had begun.

• The first song was ‘THE WORLD IS MINE’. They appeared in beautiful golden outfits and I nearly died right then because for the first time they truly looked like people and not tiny figures far away. I don’t remember much else about this song except screaming along and basking in the fact that this was real.

• The second song was ‘Poison Kiss’ and if I wasn’t dead already this didn’t help. There’s not much to be said about the majesty of this song. It is and always will be perfect. They moved from the main stage to the centre during this song and I realized the downside to my seat was that I got to spend a lot of time staring at butts if they were on the centre stage. Still, this is the first live where I barely watched the screens. Even if it was the back of their head it was right there and I was staring.

• There was a brief introduction and welcome after the first song and then we were on to the first solo song, Rei-chan’s ‘オン・ユア・マーク!’ It was very reminiscent to the 6th stage performance with all the hips involved. It was mostly on the centre stage and a little strange to keep looking back over my shoulder at the screens to see his face.

• The next song was Ai’s ‘二人のモノグラム’. It was a really fun song and he had the sparkly white gloves from the last time he performed the song at a live! This one was mostly on the main stage and it was beautiful. So happy they included one of my favourite Ai songs!

• Saintly Territory was next. There was a cape involved. I really enjoyed Maeno’s interactions with the dancers. Like walked from the main to the centre stage he ‘pushed’ them out of the way, it was very Camus. There was also sceptre dancing on the centre stage.

• The lights went down and suddenly we looked up the the top of the stairs and there was Tattsun and he started singing ‘BE PROUD’. If I wasn’t already lost(I was) then my favourite Ranmaru song was what did it. He went down on his knees at a point and it was just…. shdhdkskdh. Oh and his ad-libing during the instrumentals was on point. That and the way he held that last note for so long. Like seriously long. Yabai.

• Next up was something special for this live: Acoustic Corner! I was really happy that they decided to do this because if the live had kept going the way it had started I don’t know if I’d have made it. This talk section was a necessary break.

• The first pair was Reiji and Camus. They came out onto the centre stage and had a talk portion while the band was setting up. There was a costume change to more casual looking clothes. They talked first about the live viewing audience. Morikubo is always really good at chatting to the live viewing audience. It was funny because every time they would pause to hear the cheers from the live viewing audience and so we would cheer and they’d always joke like ‘wow, the live viewing audiences voices are so strong you can hear them here’. Morikubo also talked about the lights and how cool it was that they could be controlled but that we could also choose our own color sometimes. Then he tried to get them to turn red but they were in our control at the time and it didn’t work(I was one of the few that turned mine red though). After a few minutes they managed to get them all red.

• They also talked about how all the members kind of have their own things and Maeno acted like Tattsun and it was hilarious. He then tried to act like Morikubo and it was even funnier because he said the line wrong and Morikubo was like ‘Eh? No it’s this! Not that!’

• Finally everything was set up and the song began, the acoustic version of KILLER KISS. The instrumentals were beautiful and I really loved the light effects they had over the center stage. They were super pretty. Character coloured dots could move up and down and into patterns. They were really cool. I kept having to glance behind me at the screens to see their faces every so often because they were seated facing away from my area.

• After the song the pair switched to Ai and Ranmaru. Another outfit change! These two were wearing these long flowy shirts, they looked super comfy. They chatted a bit about the outfits. Tattsun teased Shoutan about looking like a girl, as is usual for an Utapri Live. Shoutan even did this pose leaning forward with his butt out *que the screaming* and Tattsun was like ‘See?’ And then he tried the same pose but it didn’t work and it was hilarious. Shoutan retaliated by asked the audience if they’d want the shirt off of Tattsun’s back and the audience screamed again. I love the chemistry of these two.

• Tattsun brought up the flower stands! He talked about how there were so many and that the staff had taken pictures and video for them so that they could see all of them. I was hoping he might mention the international stand but he didn’t. He did mention one stand in particular. It was for Ranmaru and it had the silhouette of an instrument in red roses. Tattsun asked Shoutan what Ranmaru’s instrument was and Shoutan answered ‘Bass of course’. Then Tattsun pointed out that the silhouette was of a guitar and he was a little disappointed it was wrong(in a joking way).

• ハルハナ was their song. It was really nice. This song was a really nice choice for an acoustic song. I really liked their energy. The lights were also pretty again. I think they made the shape of a flower sometimes but it was hard to see from my angle.

• Once that song was finished Morikubo and Maeno came back out and there was a mini-talk with all of them. They made fun of each other a little more. They also talked about the LINE group and the picture of the four microphones that all of them posted a few days before the live. They joked about how it ended up that they all shared the picture and who started it. You could feel the KIZUNA. Oh, and the fact that after the first day of the live they all went out drinking together and came back to their hotel arms around each other. There is blurry picture proof on Morikubo’s twitter. Yes, that’s them drunk.

• They soon moved into the last acoustic corner song, マリアージュ. This song was really nice in acoustic.They also split the various english lines into different pairings of the group. I really liked that touch, to hear the different combinations of voices.

• After the acoustic corner it was time for the break video. I’m not going to lie, my Japanese skills were failing me this time and while I picked up a bit I don’t know if my understanding was good enough to get it right.

• Some highlights though. Shoutan: why doesn’t Ai sleep in a bed. Morikubo: what the heck does yoroshiku machocho mean? Maeno talked lots about Camus and sugar. I don’t remember much of what Tattsun said. Oh, and Shoutan said the thing he liked now about Ai is his voice, the precious boy. He has come so far from thinking he didn’t deserve to voice Ai.

• The interview ended with the question of what one kanji represented their character. These come up on screen and then the next song started.

• ‘The Dice are Cast’! With new outfits! I really liked these outfits. They were my favourite for this live! And this song was on the trucks! And holy crap that was close. Morikubo and Tattsun were on my side and they were like right there. I tried not to die while cheering them on.

• The trucks stopped at the far end of the stadium (right in front of where a friend of mine was sitting, pretty sure her night was made with that). They started the next song which was ‘Starlight Memory’. Like the first Quartet Night live they did this one with mic stands but it was from the trucks, facing back in towards the main stage.

• Apparently those two songs were also the short versions of them from some of the Japanese reports I’ve seen. I can’t say that I noticed either way, I was completely lost in the experience.

• The next song was ‘エボリューション・イヴ’. It was around this point that I started to tear up more than I had before. They were the burning stinging sort too, meaning that I was watching this song through one eye trying to fight off the burning in the other. It was an amazing song though, one of my favourites which is probably why I got so emotional.

• We were back to solo songs for the next little bit. The next one was Camus’ ‘Double face’. I have to say that this is probably my favourite Camus song and it’s all because of how Maeno performs it. The way he is able to switch so effortlessly between the personas and the voices, just by changing which hand is on the mic stand. Like the first live the dancers were in white and black for this song. The lights alternated between blue and yellow and the coordination was on point.

• The sounds of ‘シンクロニズム’ started up. We could see a silhouette and Shoutan was wearing the hood of his shirt up. His outfit this time was a short sleeved shirt(hoodie) with a large hood that was edged with purple fur and it had purple fur cat ears. He also had a purple sash that was very iridescent. (If you can’t tell I loved this outfit and I seriously want it for myself.) Anyway, the hood was up and he even reached up and played with the ears. The cuteness of it all really matched with the cuteness of the song. He went from the main stage to the centre and back with this song. You may have heard of the butt wiggle from when he performed this song at 6th stage, those were back this time too. They were always in the direction of my area too. Bless you Ai-chan. There were also bubbles at the end. You could die from the cute of it all.

• ‘Not bad’ was the other Ranmaru song of the night. There was lots of fire involved and because of the closed venue you could really feel the heat of it.

• The last of the solo songs was ‘Never…’ It was really well done. Morikubo threw his hat off at one point, along with the other dancers. Near the end of the song he climbed the stairs of the main stage and on the screen then had the image of a Ferris wheel. It was very much like the anime. The end of the song had the first shiny tape cannons of the night with plain green tape for the song. It was literally raining down on me! I managed to grab a lot of them but I kind of messed them up by shoving them into my tiny bag. If I ever get area again I’ll remember to bring a bigger bag for the tape so I don’t crunch it up before there is time to roll it up nice.

• There wasn’t really time after ‘Never…’ to roll the tape up nice because ‘Non-Fiction’ was starting. Tattsun and Maeno rolled out on a black couch looking terribly cool. I have to say that while I like both the new songs ‘Non-Fiction’ is a definite jam. It was awesome to do the calls for this song and to watch them dance to it. Yes, there was an epic dance in that instrumental break of the song. It was definitely one of my favourite performances of the night.

• The next song was predictably ‘Fiction’. While this one didn’t hold the coolness of the previous song the physical acting by Morikubo and Shoutan was on point. Their movements and expressions captured the emotional nuances of the song, especially if you know anything about the history between the characters. They were apart until almost the end of the song and then they finally clasped hands but then Shoutan pulled away and walked away and then Morikubo walked away and there was just a white spotlight on stage with feathers falling. It was very moving.

• The next song was ‘KIZUNA’! They played the video from the anime on the background screen and like the first live they all sat on the stairs and acted it out. This is such a fun song to do the call and response to. They were all being really cute together too. I believe for this song they came close to the side of the main stage during parts of the song.

• The next song was the one bearing their name ‘QUARTET☆NIGHT’! I feel bad for not having more memory of this song but my excuse is the live was most definitely coming to an end, I was already crying and it was good. That’s all I can really say. Dreams came true.

• Next was the dancer introduction! They each took turns introducing a number of the dancers. Sadly the one dancer I’ve grown to like from Shoutan and other utapri lives wasn’t there but I recognized some of the names.

• There was another brief talk after this, I think more towards the live viewing audience again as well. I don’t remember much of what was said besides the last song was coming up.

• ‘FLY TO THE FUTURE’ was the last song. It was fitting and perfect for this live. I literally had tears running down my face at this point. I didn’t want it to end. The highlight of the song was of course the line ‘ありがとう、そしてこれからも’. Before this line everything just stopped and fell quiet. No music, no cheering, just silence. It was tense, you could feel it in the air of the hall. I was terrified I would make some sound to break it. Finally they said the line and the song finished.

• Encore time! Everyone just cheered ‘quartet night’ the whole time. Unlike the movie theatre where you feel a little strange chanting it when you are part of the audience the energy just carries you along. I tried to organize the tape a little during this time but as I said earlier it turns out I didn’t do a very good job.

• The encore finished pretty fast and they were back with ‘FORCE LIVE’. What a cool song! And they played the music video in the background while they did the actual dances on the stage. Morikubo even tried the high kick like Reiji in the video. It was awesome and after ages of playing Shining Live it was cool to hear it in person (kinda sad Starish didn’t get their back at the fanmeet).

• After the song was a bit more talking and they did the few announcements. Basically that there would be a DVD/blueray and that the official movie site opens in December.

• I don’t remember many details of the final words (I’m writing this a few days after and it’s been a busy week at work @.@) but I do remember screaming arigatou a lot. Like a lot. For most of this last little bit.

• The next song was ‘God’s STAR’! This was the only song I knew of ahead of time for sure because I’d heard it when taking pictures of the flower stands on the Saturday night. Still, one of my favourite songs to see live because the call and response is just so much fun!

• Another encore! More cheering for a while. When they came back out they were in a white version t-shirt with the logo. Most of them had been modified a little bit. Morikubo’s was the most plain, just the shirt. Tattsun’s had some see through black material on the sleeves and at the bottom. Shoutan had a few zipper like cuts in his shirt (very much like his encore shirts from his own lives). Maeno was wearing the Camus prince parka.

• They did a few more thank you’s and then they announced the last song which was of course ‘You’re my life’. I can’t think of a more perfect last song honestly. They came out on the trucks again for this song. Tattsun and Maeno were on my side. They went around and when they passed the other trucks they would high five. Sadly the other ones didn’t come too close because they veered off to the centre stage instead. There was still more of the song and they were always standing at the edge of the stage waving out at all of us. I also love the call and response of this song. ‘La, la, la, la, la-la, la, la.’

• They said thank you again after and then the instrumental version of ‘FLY TO THE FUTURE’ started to play as they waved goodbye. We did the best thing though and the whole audience just decided to sing the song to them, the biggest karaoke ever. I’ll admit I didn’t sing it perfectly but I tried because how could you not. And this was probably one of my favourite moments of the live because you could see how moved Quartet Night was by it. I remember seeing Tattsun’s face as they headed back down the aisle to the main stage and he was floored by it. I’m glad that they could see our love for them all.

• Even when it was done the audience was singing along with the instrumentals of the songs. I was probably the last one of the people I had been with to head out because I just didn’t want it to end. I would do it again if I could. I will buy the shit out of the DVD just to be part of that again.

There you have it. Quartet Night Live Future 2018. I already feel like I have forgotten a lot. Especially about the talks and things. I should have taken notes when I was on my way home but I was tired and still in a bit of a ‘did that actually happen?’ That matched with a busy week means that this isn’t as great as it could be. I hope you enjoyed it anyways. It was still the best weekend of my life.

Thank you to Broccoli for making these games and these characters. Thank you for the music. Thank you to all of the friends I met this weekend, old and new. Thank you to all of the people who donated to the flower stand.

Most of all,

THANK YOU QUARTET NIGHT.

ありがとう、そしてこれからも。

[heavenzfiend]

Fanfic: Alone Again (Tokugawa Ieyasu x MC)- SLBP

Read on AO3

Word count: ~4800

Warning: LEMON. Non-con/dubious consent, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Physical Abuse, Forced Orgasm, Power Play, etc. Don’t read if you’re expecting fluff!

Summary: MC finally seems to be getting closer to the reclusive Lord Motoyasu when Lord Yoshimoto orders them to take each other’s virginity but under his exact instructions. Just how much more control over the boy will it take for him to be satisfied?

Author’s Note: This is a continuation of the Event Story, “Another Story Part 2” for Ieyasu, who is Matsudaira Motoyasu. The first part of the ES really affected me emotionally because of how he was treated by that –insert all the bad words- Yoshimoto but while playing the second part, I got this thought: what if he forces them to sleep together? I can see him doing something like this, just to control more of Ieyasu’s life and to limit more of his freedom, even in terms of love and sex. Anyways, hope you enjoy~

“I’m finished. Thank you for the meal,” Lord Motoyasu says in his usual genial tone.

“I hope you enjoyed what I had prepared for you,” I state, knowing fully well that he did, judging from his empty plates and fast pace of eating.

“I did. I’m grateful as always.”

I clean up the dishes one-by-one with a pleasant smile on my lips as well, happy to know that he is speaking to me with a lot longer phrases as of late. Suddenly, my hands brush against his as they occasionally do when I’m cleaning up. Unlike before when any physical touch made him freeze up, Lord Motoyasu seems to not mind as much nowadays. He allows them to simply slide against each other, my hand feeling the warmth of his for the briefest moments, grateful that he doesn’t pull away in shock or disgust.

I exit the room with almost a skip to my steps, unable to hide the smile plastered to my face. I feel as if I’m finally bringing out the real Lord Motoyasu hidden deep inside his shell molded by Lord Yoshimoto’s rigid control of every fiber of his being. I can’t wait to find out more about him, like what he likes to do if he had free time outside of his reading and archery practice or what he would like to do outside the castle walls if he had a whole day free from his set schedule to do whatever he pleases.

I wonder if one day soon he will even hold my hands. I have to stifle a giggle from escaping. I move down the corridors to the kitchen with my arms heavy, laden with the plate-filled tray, but heart and mind light at peace.

-----------

Just as I’m about to leave the kitchen to retire to my room for the evening, one of the maids accosts me.

“Miss MC, Lord Yoshimoto is asking for you. Please go directly to Lord Motoyasu’s chambers.” I furrow my brows, confusion etched on my face, at her worried tone but the maid quickly leaves after saying that, not giving me any other option but to do as she relayed lest I keep the lord waiting for too long.

As I walk down the corridor my mind is filled with worry at the thought of facing the lord of the castle. A day without having to see him at all is a very good day indeed in my books. Just the thought of him brings a shiver down my back, the purple robes giving a fake illusion of regality when it houses a demon instead.

I announce myself and slide the shoji door slightly after preparing my nerves, noticing that nothing seems to be amiss in the air, notwithstanding the usual awkwardness. This is the first time he has called upon me to Lord Motoyasu’s chambers at this time of night.

I take my usual seat next to Lord Motoyasu, muscles fidgeting from anxiety. I look up to see Lord Yoshimoto smiling at us, his stubby eyebrows reminding me of a chilling ghost from the Heian period.

“I see you still sit so close to dear Motoyasu, how lovely,” his smile growing wider along with my confusion. “You must be wondering why I called you here tonight.” Both Lord Motoyasu and I stare at him to continue.

“As a father-figure to my darling Motoyasu, I want to see all his needs satisfied. You're his chambermaid and if I'm not mistaken you two got quite close lately. You also would do anything to care for Motoyasu, am I right?” he asks with his too perceptive eyes.

“...Of course, Milord.” My heart is pounding so fast in my chest, it threatens to leap out of my body and it almost hurts to breathe.

“Have you laid with a man before?” My eyes grow wide as plates as I stumble for a reply, mortified at the question. I don’t like where this is going but I know I have to answer him.

“N-no...” My cheeks feel warm and eyes nervously fleet around but pointedly avoiding Lord Motoyasu’s general direction. Why, oh why are we talking about this right now?

“Well that's wonderful. You see, my sweet Motoyasu is also a virgin. I think as his chambermaid you should pleasure him and mate with him. How fitting for both of you to have each other's first time,” he says with that sweet, deceiving smile of his that I want to punch right off his face.

Just as Lord Motoyasu finally got comfortable with me, just as we were finally getting closer, Lord Yoshimoto seizes that opportunity to take control of our lives down to the most private matters, dictating when and how we will have sex. I relish our developing friendship and, despite the love I have for Lord Motoyasu, I know things can never be the same after we come together in this sense. I don’t want things to unfold like this, not tonight, not ever, under these circumstances.

“This poor boy has never experienced a woman's touch,” he continues in mock pity. “Don't be troubled about your lack of experience in this matter either. I shall gladly assist you both every step of the way.”

He means to strip the last dignity left on Lord Motoyasu, to let him know that he even dictates when, how and with whom he can have carnal pleasures.

My breath gets caught as if the evil lord shoved a metal ball down my windpipe and constricted my heart by squeezing it in his fist mercilessly, bleeding it out slowly. How crueler can this man get? I'm more worried about the damage this will ultimately do to poor Lord Motoyasu than any physical pain I have to endure by giving my virginity to a man.

“Milord! I… this wasn’t in my job description, surely!” I try to protest rationally but my voice comes out in high-pitched squeaks fueled by my over-wrecked emotions.

“You had consented to look after my boy here and he in return can use you in any way he desires,” turning to Lord Motoyasu, he asks, “and you do desire her, do you not?” His dullish brown eyes search Lord Motoyasu’s.

After a long, excruciating silence, Lord Motoyasu opens his mouth to respond.

“…Lord Yoshimoto, I… I'm not sure if we should…“ Lord Motoyasu’s eyelashes fluttered down with uncertainty, first time showing hesitation to his captor.

Without warning, Lord Yoshimoto slaps Lord Motoyasu across the face so hard that his jaws make a cracking sound as it whips to the side. He suddenly grabs a fistful of his hair, showing no mercy even to such beautiful, golden locks. How can he be so monstrous to something, or someone, that looks so angelic? My heart weeps for him.

“You dare defy me?” Yoshimoto asks, his face an eerie blank sheet, void of emotion.

“Lord Motoyasu!” I can't stand by watching him get hurt, I just can't. If I have to give my body to satisfy one of his whims, I'll do it to save Lord Motoyasu.

I’m kneeling by his body, tears streaming down my face as I beg him to stop. However, my desperate pleas aren't what he's after since the onslaught of abuse continues. Even with the poor boy slumped on the floor, ruthless kicks rain down on him all over his body.

Finally, after what seems to be an eternity, Lord Motoyasu weakly lets out, “Forgive me, Milord… I seemed to have forgotten my place…” and begins to cough up blood on the floor.

“See to it that you don’t forget again. I gave you an order, not a request. Do not forget, both of you belong to me.” He turns to me and adds, “I expect great things from you, young lady.”

I wonder if we can just pretend we did it and call it a night, but somehow I feel like he will find out if we actually did as he said or not. I wonder what he meant by assisting us? It’d be mortifying if he was listening and providing verbal feedback through the shoji screen.

“Make sure to follow all of my instructions. Come in.” He situates himself near the corner and calls out to someone. Suddenly, two maids appear from outside with a sheet of paper, ink and brush, laying it on a desk in front of the seated lord. “You two are dismissed for now but stay behind the door in case I need something.”

“Yes, Milord.” The two maids exit and I see the outline of their figures behind the shoji. Wait, so Lord Yoshimoto will be in the room with us while the maids will be listening right outside? I look around the room like a frightened rabbit caught in a trap, eyes landing on both men and not quite believing what’s going on. I've never even kissed a boy before but now I'm expected to perform the ultimate act of bonding between a man and a woman under the instructions of a sadistic psycho?

Nothing could have prepared me for the nightmare that is tonight.

“Now, first thing’s first. Kiss.”

Lord Motoyasu pushes off the floor with one arm while the other clutches at his sides. He peers at me with those unreadable, reddish eyes. I don’t want him to move any more than necessary so I scoot closer to him and bring my face very, very close to his. I hear him suck in a breath at my audacity but I have my eyes closed in anticipation so I thankfully cannot see his expression, which seeing it would only further my own embarrassment at the absurdity of our current situation.

Seconds pass by when I feel the gentlest brush of lips that jolt my eyes open. Lord Motoyasu’s face is right in front of me, our noses touching as well as our lips. I quickly shut my eyes again, not wanting to stare into the depths of his eyes from such a close proximity. This is way too intimate. My head whirls at the distinct scent of coppery blood assailing me from his mouth.

He continues to press his lips against mine, holding still. When he finally parts, Lord Yoshimoto’s voice echoes in the silent room, “I didn’t say you can stop.” He quickly mashes our lips back together, almost too fast that our teeth collide and I register a slight bit of pain. He hisses through his lips in pain as well, but it’s gone in an instant and he regains composure. I hear a brush gliding against paper from afar.

“Try tilting your face this way and that. Stick your tongue in her mouth.” Lord Motoyasu attempts to follow all the instructions given exactly as is. His mouth covers mine more fully with his head slightly tilted to the side and I feel something really warm and wet wedging between my lips. I part them slightly as to not deny him access but my whole body is tense. Isn’t kissing supposed to be romantic? I can’t imagine anything less romantic than the moment I’m sharing with him right now, with him shoving his tongue down my throat. My mouth feels thoroughly invaded and uncomfortable.

“Young lady, you need to relax.”

Easier said than done! Although behind my eyes I kick his stupid face repeatedly, I take a deep breath and let my shoulders drop, also loosening my jaws in the process. I don’t know when to take a breath and when to swallow. I feel some of my saliva escaping from the corner of my mouth and I quickly mop it up with my sleeves.

Yup, definitely not romantic.

“Strip.” The command comes out from nowhere that I freeze. Our lips make a smooching noise as he extracts himself away, filling the otherwise quiet night.

“Lord Yoshimoto… C-can we turn the light off?” I suggest in an attempt to save my modesty.

“No.” That’s all he says. What did I even expect? Even in the cover of darkness, my modesty will not be salvaged. After this night, the whole castle will come to know of me as Lord Motoyasu’s plaything. A broken marionette. A whore.

Seconds pass by without either of us actually performing the command when the voice from the corner says, “Don’t make me repeat myself.”

We both bashfully look down at our clothes, not wanting to face each other unless absolutely necessary. With trembling hands, I tug at my obi strings and belt, then slide one arm at a time out of my robes. I hear similar rustling of clothes in front of me but I don’t dare look up quite yet. I continue to disrobe all my articles of clothing until they are pooled at my feet and I am standing stark naked in the middle of the room with my hands cupping my private areas in an attempt to hide as much as I can. I know I won’t be able to for too long but just standing there with my hands to my sides is unthinkable.

“My goodness, just look at you two fools just standing there. Go on, touch each other.” Our eyes both look up at the same time and his face and chest are both so red that I would find it quite endearing if we weren’t in this ridiculous situation and I’m not equally as red, but alas that’s not the case. We both hold each other’s eyes not daring to break it lest we see too much of the other person. Never seeing a man’s body before, aside from Yahiko but he doesn’t count since he’s not even a fully grown man, the curiosity and anticipation is killing me but I don’t want to do anything too rash to startle him so I keep my eyes focused solely on his face.

But eventually Lord Motoyasu’s eyes flicker down my body, slowly drifting from my neck, collarbones, my left breast then my right one, each place he looks at burning hotter at the sensation of his eyes. And then he looks at the apex of my thighs and my toes curl at the scrutiny. Despite my hand attempting to cover the general area, I’m sure he can still see the dark hairs peeking through and I just wish I could die at this moment so I don’t have to be subjected to this any longer.

“...Milord, where exactly do you mean by... touch?” The uncertainty in Lord Motoyasu’s voice is followed by a chuckle from the seated lord.

“Wherever you want. All over.”

With the sudden freedom that came with that response, Lord Motoyasu’s eyes slightly widen like a kid at a confectioner’s store and the maroon in his eyes become a shade darker. I don’t think he’s ever touched a girl before so he must be a tad excited. I try to relax and let him do what he wants, chanting to myself, ‘It’s just Lord Motoyasu. It’s just him touching you. You actually like him, so it’ll be okay.’

His hands reach out to tentatively touch my hair, rubbing his thumb and forefinger on some strands, as if he’s amazed how flowy they are. I suppose he’s never got to touch long hair before since Lord Yoshimoto probably has someone cut his hair tidy at a set schedule.

Next, he traces his fingers down my neck, gently wrapping his large hand around my neck. I’m scared for a second, wondering if he will strangle me but he is nothing but gentle in his touches as he ventures onwards. His fingertips ghost at my collarbones and a short gasp escapes me as goosebumps appear all over my body.

His actions stop and I see him looking at my chest.

“...Can I?” He whispers, eyes searching mine. He doesn’t have to ask permission since the lord commanded it but I’m thankful that the sweet Lord Motoyasu still lets me believe I have some semblance of control in all this.

“...Yes,” I breathe out, barely audible.

The warmth in his eyes become even gentler as he puts his whole palms against my breasts. He sucks in a breath as if he can’t believe how they feel as he cups them and squeezes them with his hands. Then he almost studies my body, so different from his own, scratching my nipples to attention first then methodically twisting and pinching the tautness. I wish they weren't so pointy and erect.

Just as I’m about to get lost in the sensations he produces, the unwelcomed demon speaks.

“Bury your face on her breasts and suck on her like you’re her child. Surely it should come naturally to you as you’ve never had a proper mother to suckle from. Imagine there’s milk flowing from her. Drink her up.”

Cruel words from a cruel man.

Lord Motoyasu looks so conflicted that I feel so sorry for him, despite myself being used as well.

I stand up a little straight, attempting to make myself taller so he can get down to snuggle against my bosom. He must see that as an invitation as he nuzzles his face against my soft flesh and then pops a nipple into his mouth. I gasp at the sensation that I’ve never experienced before. It almost feels too much yet not enough at the same time. The feeling of bonding to this person is so strong. I don’t know what happened with his mother but if I can give even a small amount of comfort to his broken soul, I will be more than willing to let him use my body.

I can smell his scent from his hair and as if they are beckoning me to them, I can’t help but run my hands through them. A small, broken noise that almost sounds like a sob comes from him, as he moves his mouth in a sucking motion. My one hand pats his back reassuringly as my other hand gently caresses his hair.

I finally get the chance to fully take in his body and register that he is naked and so close to me. I can feel the muscles and sinew on his lean arms while he holds my sides firmly. His chest and upper body are generally strong-looking, which then lead down to the wisp of a waist. He’s not overly muscular but his daily archery practice definitely defined his shoulders and upper back so that first impressions wouldn’t show how much of an overall sedentary life he leads.

After quite some time passed of him simply being in my arms, we both relax into a steady rhythm, in sync in both breaths and heartbeats.

“Touch her. Make her come.”

I inhale a huge gulp of air which leads to uncontrollable coughing. Lord Motoyasu eases himself away from me as I gain control of my breathing once more.

No! Where does he even get these ideas from? I don't want to show him my pleasure. Just how could he expect me to achieve orgasm in a situation like this, with hatred for him circulating my entire body? He must be thoroughly enjoying this, the sadistic bastard, watching both of us struggling to fulfill his every demand as he showcases his power over us like puppets on strings for his amusement.

“Milord! I can’t possibly!” I nearly shout.

“You will. We have all night.” That scares me, the thought that he probably is being serious, that this could well last the entire night if he so desires. Shouldn’t the lord of the castle have better things to do than observe two young people having sex, against their will might I add?

I wish he would just be satisfied with Lord Motoyasu putting his thing in me so I can crawl back to my room and pretend this night never happened. But I have to do this. I have to do this for Lord Motoyasu’s sake, as well as mine.

Lord Motoyasu inches closer and right before gently pushing me to the ground, discreetly whispers, “...Perhaps you can pretend to achieve satisfaction?” Even before my mind gets to process what those words mean, I hear the amusement.

“Don’t be so daft as to think I don’t know what you’re up to. I will know.”

All hope is lost as I willingly subject to his touch, stiff as a log with my back on the floor and legs stretched out. Lord Motoyasu looks lost as if he has no idea how to ‘make me come.’

Not wanting to be here anymore than necessary, I reach out and take his hand in mine, guiding his middle finger to my slit. I slide it up and down where it easily traverses due to the amount of fluid in the area. His eyes widen and mouth open in fascination at the feeling of a woman’s heat.

I mostly guide him along my clit, where I find the most amount of pleasure based on personal exploration. I focus all my concentration on finding release, desperate to get it over with. I squeeze my eyes shut. If I close my eyes, if I focus solely on the warmth of his touch, the scent of his masculinity and breath close to me it almost feels like we are two normal lovers sharing an intimate moment.

Just when I feel so close, his finger tease at my opening, prompting my eyes to open. And just as unexpectedly, Lord Motoyasu gives me the sweetest kiss on my forehead and the emotional connection pushes me over the edge. I give an uncontrollable cry as my lower body twitches, squeezing his fingers which have found their way inside out of curiosity.

Lost in the throes of passion, I hazily open my eyes but they accidentally land on Lord Yoshimoto, his languid brushstrokes gliding on the parchment, writing whatever cruel words to use against him later, to further humiliate and control his life. It is the equivalent of being doused over the head by an ice bucket as my body goes rigid again despite my inner walls still tingling from release.

The tears well up in me in shame when my body stops convulsing, the feeling of emptiness so consuming that I want to curl up and hide.

“Now, deflower her. But take care not to spill your filthy Matsudaira seeds inside her. We wouldn't want to burden my hospitality even further by having your pathetic, useless spawn here with us to waste my resources, now do we? I'm sure you wouldn't want him to know how stupid and a waste of space his father truly is.”

Lord Motoyasu’s crimson eyes flare in rage, so full of raw emotion normally concealed that it bores into my soul, forever imprinted. However, it was a fleeting emotion, gone just as fast as it arrived.

He clutches my thighs with his strong hands, forcing them apart wider when my instincts naturally attempt to close them together without meaning to. I bring both my hands up to hide my face, unable to see how he must view me now with my legs spread like a frog, such wantonness on display.

With his hands on either side of my hips, he pokes me down there with something hard and warm. I’m too frightened to even look at it so I continue to hide my face behind my hands. He nudges his tip into the wrong hole and I freeze in panic. He begins to push when I scream, “Ahhh! Lord Motoyasu! N-no that's not-!”

Lord Motoyasu embarrassedly apologizes while readjusting and I hear a burst of laughter from the only one who's having a time of their life right now at our expense. Lord Motoyasu continues to struggle to find my entrance, slipping down or poking at the wrong hole again and again.

All of a sudden, I can feel searing warmth as something smooth and thick is finally placed right along my opening, pushing in bit by bit.

I thought I was ready, but nothing could've prepared me for the pure pain that follows the pressure of his body fitting against mine. A strangled noise escapes me as I struggle to keep from writhing, my body desperately fighting to reject the foreign invasion. The impulse to push him away is so great that I have to constantly remind myself to just endure it.

I forgot how to breathe. I'm holding my breath without intending to and my whole body is on edge from tension, abdomen clenched and fingernails indenting deeply into my palms that it might draw blood. I thought it would be okay. I thought as long as it's Lord Motoyasu I would be able to endure the pain willingly. But it just hurts so damn much.

“It hurts… it hurts…” I say through the spurts of breath I manage to exhale while looking up at him. I can feel tiny beads of liquid forming from the corner of my eyes.

How can anyone find this act pleasurable?

“Forgive me… I’ll… be fast...” he says but he soon moves against me like a rabid animal, filling in and out of my hole.

“Ahhhhhh!” I scream into the night, unable to care about the rest of the castle hearing me. The initial shock and pain soon dissipates and is replaced by an achiness. His body seems to move on its own in a fervor.

The constant slap, slap of skin meeting skin, squelch, squelch of fluid meeting fluid fills the air.

It's as if I can feel Lord Motoyasu deep inside me in a place no one else has ever known me, filling me so fully that it feels like I've been empty my whole life without my knowing, waiting to be filled by him.

Am I strange to want this night to end but this intimate moment with him to last longer?

Just as Lord Motoyasu increases the frequency of his pumps and huffs sporadically, a voice sounds from the corner, “Don't come yet.” But it was a cruel command, seeing as his ecstasy was already forthcoming.

In an act of defiance or not enough control, he releases his seeds inside me. I’m unable to tell what it was but I’m happy to have something of his inside me, though not everlasting.

Lord Yoshimoto observes the whole affair with an almost pleased glimmer in his facade, as if everything had gone according to his plans down to the last moments. He patiently waits until we both calmed and then casually walks over to me, throwing my robe at my face where it stings from the slap of the fabric.

“If you can’t even control your own body, how do you expect to control all of Japan, let alone your retainers?” He isn’t even looking at me as he spits venom at Lord Motoyasu’s naked body.

“You think you can get away with not following my directions? How foolish of you.” I'm scrambling to dress, only managing to get my robe draped around my shoulders when his next words sting far more than the physical pain I endured.

“As punishment, it's only fair to take away something important to you, don't you agree?” he grabs my forearms to yank me to my feet and heads to the door with me dragging behind him, half naked with the robes flapping open in the front without an obi to secure it.

“MC will be attending to me as my personal page from now on. Other maids will bring your meals like before her arrival at our castle. You're not permitted to see her anymore.”

A gasp escapes me but I'm being manhandled so forcefully and hastily to the point where I cannot form words of rebuttal as I desperately try to close the robe with one hand without success, mixture of blood and fluids from both our bodies sliding down my legs.

No! I don't want to leave Lord Motoyasu’s side! Just as we were getting closer, Lord Yoshimoto is tearing us apart just like how he did with family and retainers of Matsudaira.

I’ll find a way to see you again, Lord Motoyasu!

I turn my head while being dragged off, desperately trying to catch sight of him. The brief glimpse of Lord Motoyasu that I was able to get will forever be imprinted on my mind— the image of him naked on his knees looking dejectedly down at the floor, covered with both of our blood, and what seemed to be a single tear sliding down his cheek, all alone.

Author’s Note: …Who wants to kill Yoshimoto with me? I was in a confusing state of sad and aroused while writing this… Is that even possible?! Thanks for reading! :) Please let me know what you think!

Tagging: Not sure who to tag... @rubyleeray @pseudofaux @kawa-akarin @dani677 @julias1993

[shoushatohaisha]

report: haikyuu!! summer week day 5 part 2 (hajimari no kyojin)

(sorry for the delay! i moved home from japan to the states the day after… technically the day of posting the last report so obviously it's been. Busy. last one tho!! ♥)

previously: day 1 (shoen) day 2 (itadaki no keshiki) day 3 (karasuno, fukkatsu!!) day 4 (shousha to haisha) day 5 part 1 (shinka no natsu)

guests: kenta, keita, funaki masahide, yanagihara rin

Hoo Boy this was by the most outright emotional of all the screenings so far. like, shousha to haisha was intense, but the content was intimately familiar by now. the impact of this was fresh -- and we all knew it was the end, you know? the end of our happy little week, obviously, but also the beginning of the end for karasuno. over the week all those showings had built up this tidal wave of Feelings it then unleashed here, aha. so that the cheering was right on the edge of desperate, like there were real results on the line. self extremely included. this was our last chance, in all kinds of ways.

(i, aware that i would be leaving the country in two days, was perhaps a little more desperate! but it sure as hell wasn't just me. cheering along at the top of our lungs to the opening/closing karasuno jog i described here… it was. a lot.)

of course the reaction to certain parts were as you'd expect. there was dead silence for ennoshita's big scene(s). the cheers for his receives were like nothing else. when ennoshita tells yamaguchi "let's fight together" kenta reeled backward like he'd taken a physical hit. (my son, i love you.) and of course kenta and kt were emoting all over the place for that whole storyline – kt was wiping his eyes after daichi had to leave the court, and then they both teared up over "thank you for coming back" and "captain ni tsunagenakya!"

and of course when it came to rin and funaki they had their own moments – rin obviously got misty-eyed when all of wakutani started losing their shit, lol, and funaki surprised me by wiping his eyes after misaki's goodbye to johzenji. (my guess from daisenshuuraku was right, btw, momo was crying irl during that scene. awww.)

OK BUT BACK TO THE BEGINNING sorry.

once again kt was tricked into dashing out before everyone else. XD kt: um this is not how rehearsal went. kenta: what are you talking about? :( funaki: this is just like we practiced. rin: (nods furiously) kenta: isn't it? kt: ………yes. fine.

so they accidentally grabbed the afternoon's MC script, whoops. which i'm sure kenta noticed as soon as he glanced at it, but didn't turn a hair until it was time for their self-introductions. "playing kageyama tobio, i'm kageyama tatsuya—" kt: playing nishinoya yuu i'm fuchino yuuto ^_^ funaki: hahahaha PLAYING KUROO TETSUROU IM KONDOU SHOURI audience: (CHEERS) rin: (squints at script) playing konoha akinori im… (mutters) ….azuma… takumi…? kenta: ….you were IN A PLAY WITH HIM rin: is that wrong kenta: what have you been calling him all this time rin: …………azuma…..kun………. kenta: and what did he say to that rin: …"yes?" funaki: well he does seem like he'd just roll with that kenta: IT'S HIGASHI HIS NAME IS HIGASHI

kenta: i was the MC for the shoen screening, but earlier this week, rather than do it twice himself, ryoutarou turned it over to yamagiwa kaito-kun-- audience: (bursts into giggles) kenta: …yeah so i thought maybe tonight i'd give someone else a cha-- funaki: ME I WANT TO kenta: --ok here you go funaki: wait what kenta: you looked like you really wanted to so funaki: I SUPER DO :D funaki: so uh (flips pages) next uh -- kenta: r u srs

i was SOOO fond of funaki omg what a friendly bro ahhh. so cheery and good-natured. :D (can u tell i like em dumb and smiley, apparently.) whereas rin-kun was… endearingly ditzy. XD (is he an ex-johnny's? he kind of had that air. it was like looking at ueda tatsuya circa 2005. in no small part because of the wakunan towel tucked into his waistband, which draped to the floor.)

funaki: don't forget to call the player's names during the starting order, like "terushima!" or "terushii!" or "yuuji!"

funaki: so next we'll practice cheers! i, the MC – yeah yeah yeah (rapper pose) -- kenta: masakki! kt: masakki! (like. funaki + masahide = masakki? apparently? i was unfamiliar with this nickname.) funaki: ok now yanagihara-kun's gonna lead the cheer practice rin: nice to meet you i'm MC rin ^_^ rin: where were we again? kenta: rin: wait right. this is. a cheer screening. so we want you to cheer! kenta: they know that. rin: kenta: rin: wait ok i remembered!! audience: GANBARE rin: :D;;

it took SEVERAL MORE FALSE STARTS before we actually got to the cheer practice. poor rin-kun. XD but he wasn't like, shy or embarrassed like takumi-kun he just. was kind of a ditz. "NO WAIT :D lemme try again :D wait where are we? :D"

kt: ARE YOU FIRED UP audience: WHOO funaki: ARE YOU READY TO GO audience: WHOOOO kenta: WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE FOOD audience: tamago kake gohan!!

the screening: abovementioned emotions aside, plenty of dancing and choreo as you would espect, especially from funaki. rin apparently was young terushima in the flashbacks! so he and funaki did all the double terushima scenes together. and rin did all of his white coat dance choreo as well.

during the opening, kenta joined rin so he wouldn’t have to do the wakunan choreo alone. XD and funaki and rin played kiyoko-san and yachi ahahaha. then when hinata and ushiwaka begin to turn on the revolving stage, kenta started scuttling around stage trying to "revolve" himself with limited success.

yamaguchi: (snubs shimada's high five) kenta: don't mind!!

despite kenta's gleeful delight in audience comebacks, there were understandably few of them from either him or us because it was everyone's first time watching the show since daisenshuuraku! the demon elementary school children did get this massive cheer that made kenta almost fall out of his chair laughing. ditto akaashi's "michi wo tsukurimasu no de" – that was one of the most full-throated mass "KYAA"s i've ever heard (again… self… included…) and kenta thought it was HILARIOUS.

i myself was reminded all over again what a great show this was, ugh. blah blah I Love Kawahara Kazuma digression aside, please take it as read, IN ADDITION i know i briefly talked about the, like, emotional sensitivity kouhei brought to playing tanaka but fjkdlajfd the close ups on his face made it so much worse, ffffffff. GOD. dude's emotions were A Lot. just. please. gimme the dvd already.

i was also so caught up in nekoma vs fukurodani the first time i watched that i didn't notice how well kuroo and kenma's final scenes onstage functioned as a goodbye for takato and shouri. when you've been in four consecutive shows, you deserve to go out on a meaningful note. (yes ofc we don't know what the future holds etc etc but.) shouri's delivery of "you're our brain, and our spine, and our heartbeat." fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff murder me.

ahem ok. the aftertalk:

funaki said that he was used to watching videos of himself on stage to review and practice with, but it was the first time watching from a normal spectator's perspective. "oh, THAT'S how that came across." and that the effect made him cry.

rin had a really nice thing to say about how watching really impressed on him how haikyuu stage in particular is a work that is dependent on everyone's contributions combined – i.e. it's not just the lead characters, it's the combined effect of the characters in the spotlight and the characters in the background and the white coat ensemble and the technical staff that make haikyuu stage the unique production it is. (this was hard for rin to express in japanese, tbh, so idk how well i'm getting it across in english but his point was that when he says "it's a show we all create together" he's not referring to ideas or feelings but quite literally saying that everyone's contributions on stage are necessary to make haikyuu stage what it is.)

and kenta talked about how (attending every single screening as he did, lol) it was great preparation for saikyou no team to have had the chance to look back on each different production -- especially to look back on the schools and characters that appeared in just one show and carry their feelings forward to the next play.

…then they discussed how quickly rin's hair had grown back since daisenshuuraku. XD rin: tbh… i was emotionally moved when i first looked in the mirror and saw myself with hair.

then as soon as keita prompted them for backstage stories kenta was like GOKU. DEFINITELY GOKU. apparently at daisenshuuraku he started crying before wakunan even huddled up for their pre-show cheer. "I CAN'T HANDLE IT, IT'S TOO MUCH." kenta: i was watching this like R U KIDDING ME WE HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED YET rin: ahaha during the show as well, idk if this is good or bad, but he was always crying, like – there's a bit where hanayama calls "takeru!" as he makes a toss rin: and goku was always like "(sobs) TAKERU!!" kenta: ONE TIME HE CRIED SO MUCH HE SHORTED OUT HIS MIC audience: EHHHHH? kenta: how did that many tears even GET there funaki: probably the sweat plus the crying rin: incredible. kenta: that's haikyuu stage. so much sweat and tears we destroy our mics.

rin also told us about the wakunan red bull rule. they did a lot of team practice on their own, and people were chronically "just barely" late – i.e., never more than a few minutes, but it was enough to throw off practice. so they instituted a rule that whoever was "just barely" late had to buy the rest of the team red bulls. to this day, as they're preparing for their august 25 event… whoever's late has to buy everyone else red bulls. rin: we also took a lot of purikura together kenta: yeah they had such a reputation that whenever they were late karasuno would be like YOU WERE TAKING PURIKURA AGAIN WEREN'T YOU

then for johzenji funaki told the story of "The Take Two Incident", in which during johzenji's ad libs he fucked up his lines two shows in a row – and the second time was so bad he thought "what would terushima do???", straight up yelled "TAKE TWO" and started over. after which kenta collared him backstage like "did you seriously fuckin do that???" funaki: i reflected deeply on my actions.

johzenji also had iizaka, who's a pretty reticent and quiet character. but he had to do something on stage when johzenji was… being johzenji. so karasuno came up with a quirk for him: every time johzenji successfully scored or blocked he would pump his fists and happily yell "MAAA." (5 foot nothing suga kenta reenacting this was delightful, fyi.) kenta: he played the nakashima household's father too. nakashima masayoshi. nakashima… MAA… sayoshi…

THEN, UGH, keita talked about how he gave the post-curtain call greeting for maeraku (i.e. the second-to-last show, the one before senshuuraku). and of course in the greeting he talked about leaving and coming back – and as he did, suga kenta appeared on stage behind him with exactly the same staging/lighting/sound that daichi does during the play, and said daichi's line, "tanaka keita, thank you for coming back." at which point (in the greeting) keita broke down in tears. he somehow managed to relate this story to us without more than a suspiciously husky voice, haha.

(PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD INCLUDE THIS ON THE DVD)

final messages:

rin started off by talking about what a warm atmosphere haikyuu stage has – not only is the production itself good, the people involved in the production are good. this is particularly notable because of the number of people involved. productions with this many people are usually difficult in all kinds of ways – and in his opinion this production is as welcoming and smoothly run as it is thanks to suga kenta. rin: i mean, we're the same age, so as a goal -- well he's not my goal but— kenta: excuse u?? rin: WAIT NO kenta: U COMPLIMENTED ME AND THEN rin: no that's not what i meant!! kenta: WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME HUH (mock flounces off stage) rin: PLEASE LET ME DO IT ONE MORE TIME

(takeru's line, "mou ikkai yarasete kure yo" XD)

he then nicely cleaned it up into what he meant to say about how much he respects kenta and how grateful he was to be part of haikyuu stage.

funaki: WELP JOHZENJI LOST so. that's. my first and last appearance in haikyuu stage. but. tbh. watching this. i really. want to be in it again. i want. to go back. BUT I CAN'T. but all of us in johzenji will do our best in our different venues so maybe we'll meet again. thanks for loving our play so much.

keita: (deep breath) lone audience member: okaeri <3 keita: tadaima :) keita managed to get through his without tearing up… i think. (i love him!!!!) he talked about how of course during a normal show one gets energized and encouraged by the audience's applause, but the energy from these screenings were different and even more direct. "it was like we were all a team." ;___;

and kenta talked about how enjoyable it was to share the emotions of a match directly with everyone, and that looking back on all the productions so far, he was reminded of all the friends and companions that got them this far, including of course the audience. :)

and that's a wrap for the summer week screenings! as i said before, i'll write up a little report about the haikyuu day event – they did an aftertalk after the livestream ended just for the theater – but it should be relatively short compared to these monsters. thanks for tuning in, everyone! ♥♥♥

[hopeishappinessff]

Holding Onto Hope: Chapter 33.2

Hope

Perhaps it wasn’t in my best interest to cry and drive through thick snow and ice, but I did it anyway because I had to get out of there. I told myself to slow down on the way to the car and just give myself time to cry my eyes out in there before I cranked it and drove away, but just the thought of being anywhere on the premises of this establishment left me with the urge to vomit. I didn’t and wouldn’t regret taking the treacherous journey to the institute alone to see him, because I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I hadn’t. It was Christmas day for crying out loud and the love of my life was locked away like some psychopath because of me… there was no way I could sit on my butt laughing it up and enjoying the glorious day while he suffered in there. What I couldn’t fathom though, was that I knew that the Christopher Brown that I spoke to today was not my Christopher Brown… he simply couldn’t be. I knew something wasn’t right the day I came to visit with everyone else, but today solidified it for me… that place was no place for him. Whatever they were doing behind the closed doors of that establishment was not beneficial for those patients and I refused to believe the behavior I’d witnessed by the man I’d known for half of my life was what they may consider normal.

The tears were slowly but surely beginning to subside, but the moment I reflexively dropped a hand down to my tiny knot of a belly they kicked back into high gear. The only reaction I’d managed to get from him during that entire visit only came the moment I blurted those two words to him… I’m pregnant… six weeks to be exact and slowly beginning to show for it. I had an excuse now with the cold weather and the constant need for oversized, thick sweaters but eventually the winter months would be over and I’d have to answer to the world why my belly was so bloated. I was nervous to tell my aunt and Ms. Joyce, but not as nervous as I was to tell him. I didn’t think he’d care, or even react or worse… I thought he’d blow up at me and become angry and irate. His world had been turned upside down in only a matter of weeks, all because of me, and Lord knows I didn’t want to add any additional stress to his life. But in a moment of haste and with only an ounce of confidence left, I just spat it out at him in the least appealing way possible.

With every day that passed, I could feel myself slowly but surely becoming more and more emotionally attached to my seed… my baby. The day that I found out in my dorm with Tawny and Destani at my side, I didn’t think I’d have a connection to it at all. I even feared that I would resent it. I hadn’t even considered the possibility until Tawny showed up with a pregnancy test and randomly blurted out the one question I never thought I’d have to answer to again… what if I was pregnant? It was only then that, for the first time, I allowed myself to fall victim to the horrid memories of the night I lost my baby in the most violent manner. I was more attached to that unborn child than I would ever care to admit and when Tawny presented me with that simple and harmless question, I fell apart at the seams. Unbeknownst to her, in that moment she forced me to relive my worst nightmare and I became a blubbering, emotional mess. In an instant I refused to believe that my constant morning and afternoon sickness, fatigue, and noticeably changing body and emotions were a direct result of pregnancy. But the box test she carried with her to the room spilled the truth for us all that day. And to reassure that the test was accurate, they both accompanied me to the student health center to actually seek a professional opinion. I found out that I was three weeks along then and for the first time in a while, I felt at peace and so very in love.

I wanted Chris to be a part of the process from start to finish. For a while, I’d always believed that he wanted this more than I. During the Thanksgiving break, he verbalized for the first time his interest in giving me a child. I didn’t want to believe my ears when he whispered the words to me over and over in the midst of our passion, but the moment I locked eyes with him and read the sincerity in those beautiful pools of honey… I knew that he was very serious. We were young and still had a lot of life to live, but if I was ever sure about anything else in my life… I was sure that this baby would be the best thing to ever happen to us. No one else had to share my excitement for what was to come in nine months, but I knew if my Charlie was right here by my side he’d be more ecstatic than I. My Charlie… my love… the father of my child… I gasped as a car horn honked obnoxiously behind me, snatching me away from my whirlwind of thoughts. In order to get home in the safest manner possible, I knew I had to temporarily halt my thoughts and though they raged in the back of my mind, I forced myself to stay vigilant for the sake of me and my growing belly.

Within an hour I was pulling into the driveway of my aunt’s house. As carefully as I could to avoid busting my butt on the driveway, I eased out of the driver’s side door and slowly made my way up to the front door.

“Sweetie,” The startling shrill of my aunt’s voice left me flinching with fear and nearly flying back off the porch steps, “Are you alright?”

Instinctively, my right hand went flying to my stomach as she quickly pulled me forward into a tight embrace.

“I’m fine Auntie.” I muttered with my face pressed unnecessarily against her chest. Almost as quickly as she tugged me forward, she pushed me back by my shoulders and stared directly into my eyes for a moment.

“How is he?” Her octave dropped noticeably then and she quickly glanced back over her shoulder as if someone were standing there listening in. I stared right back at her, thankful that she hadn’t noticed a trace of my tears, and in awe because it took her no time at all to piece together just where I’d been.

“He’s fine.” I mumbled, repeating exactly what he’d said to me when I asked how he was.

“Good. Baby I’m…” She paused for a moment then sighed and gave me a weak smile, “I’m sorry about all that’s going on. Things will get better soon…”

She didn’t know it now and probably never would, but I clung to her promising words… because it was the only reassurance that things would really be better soon. Stepping forward for one last quick embrace, I shut my eyes for a moment and focused only on her encouraging words to prevent myself from bursting into tears.

“I hope so Auntie.” Finally tugging me completely into the house and out of the elements, she shut and locked the door behind me then turned with the biggest grin on her face and whisked me into the den. The jovial commotion had me smiling instantly and my mouth flew open with excitement when both Desean and Destani’s little sister Imani jumped up from where they sat on the floor near the tree and nearly tackled me back out into the hall.

“Syyyyyyyyy, we missed you!” Desean beamed, with his little arms wrapped snuggly around my waist.

“Yeah Sy, you missed Santa. But we saved all your gifts for you… come on!” With each of my wrists wrapped firmly in their grasps, they worked together to drag me forward into the den where the commotion grew louder. I was thankful for all the obvious joy and happiness… it radiated all around the room as though it were contagious, and I couldn’t have been more thankful for it.

--

I managed to make it through more than half of the day without being questioned about my whereabouts earlier in the morning, and for that I was thankful. I hadn’t forgotten about Chris or the harsh reality that he was living in that horrid place, but the more I focused on the loved ones I was blessed to be surrounded with on this marvelous day, the easier it was for me to rid my mind of my own reality. I hated that he was stuck in there with no access to the outside world other than the occasional visit from one of us, but in order to make it through the remainder of the day I had to rid myself of all thoughts of the situation at hand.

From where I sat snuggled up in the corner of the love seat with a fluffy blanket tossed over my legs, I could hear the nonstop commotion from the kitchen of my aunt, Ms. Joyce, Ms. Cynthia, and Tootie all preparing our feast for the evening. It’d always been a tradition for everyone to meet up at my house on major holidays, for what reason I wasn’t sure, and this year was no exception. I was surrounded by unconditional love today with Destani and Tawny both of course right by my side and Nalay, Tameka, Dontay and BJ there as well. I hadn’t bothered to question Rashad’s whereabouts because in all honesty I didn’t care.

I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face as my eyes shifted from the boys who sat on the floor deeply engaged in a racing game with Imani and Desean. I didn’t know how serious they were about the game, but they sure put their all into it, with loud cheers and yelling and all. The kids seemed to feed off the excitement and they bounced around in their seats as if they were playing the greatest game known to man.

“They really taking this game to heart right now.” Tameka mumbled from the floor in front of me, shaking her head as she stared at the large flat screen mounted on the wall.

“For real. Like you would think there was wages on this game right now!” Destani chimed in from a lounge chair at my side. Giggling, I glanced down at Dontay and burst into full blown laughter at the somber expression on his face. He truly looked as though there wasn’t a single thing in the world that could take his focus off that screen.

“So, where’d you go this morning?” I knew the question would hit the fan soon and who better than Tawny with her infamous naivety to ask. Cutting my eyes over at her as she sat there happily with my legs tossed up over her lap, I released a slow sigh and quickly skimmed my eyes over the other three girls… who were of course already gazing right at me, awaiting my answer.

“I went to visit Chris.” I mumbled.

“To visit Chris… that nigga in jail?” Tameka asked, obnoxiously loud, earning a swift kick to the back of the head from Destani who sat directly behind her. Refraining from laughing in her face at the sudden scowl she wore, I peered briefly at the boys and the kids as they continued to focus solely on their game, and nearly rejoiced because they hadn’t heard any of what’d just been said. Breaking my gaze away from them, I turned back to the girls who were indeed still peering up at me curiously, waiting for a response.

It was now or never… “Why don’t we go upstairs for a minute?”

Without question or hesitation, they each quietly stood and trailed along behind me as I remained wrapped snuggly in my fuzzy blanket and padded softly along the hardwood floor to the stairs and up to my room. Thankfully the boys were too enthralled in their game to notice and all five of us were able to make a clean escape without any additional attention. By the time we’d reached my room and I shut the door behind us, I turned to face my audience to find that each of them had already gotten comfortable either on my bed, or on the floor around it.

With a giggle and a shake of my head, I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned back against the door “Chris is in the Northern Virginia Mental Health Institute.”

Their stares pierced me like daggers, Tameka and Nalay both with eyes full of shock and Tawny and Destani with stares of surprise. In the most casual and collected manner, I revealed to my closest friends one of the darkest truths I’d ever had to face… the love of my life was in a mental institution.

“Wait… what?” Tameka chortled nervously, “Breezy’s in a mental institute?

With my head held high, I stared at her and nodded… because I had nothing to hide. They were my friends and a few of the closest people to me, so what was the use in hiding the truth or fabricating some lie?

“Sy’Diyah, what happened?” Nalay asked in a hushed tone. Laughing through my nose with the least amount of humor known to man, I shook my head and turned to face the window with blinds parted just enough to give me a clear visual of his old room.

“Everything…” As if I were in the middle of a dramatic scene of a soap opera, I remained transfixed by the window and I found myself leisurely gliding toward it, “Everything happened Nalay. He wasn’t well… I didn’t know just how sick he was, so I broke up with him… selfishly. I thought he was unfaithful… thought he just couldn’t keep it in his pants. So… I ended my relationship with him… and he tried to end his life.”

I could hear strident gasps behind me, but my focus never wavered from that window as I stood there staring across the way, imaging him climbing out of his window and out onto the branch to slither his way into my room. He did it so often that it became a tradition for us and I smiled at the thought.

“I don’t know how he didn’t die honestly... because apparently he ingested so much. But they wanted him here for the holiday’s, because this is where he told his therapist he wanted to go for Christmas… he wanted to spend it with Jaylen,” The mere mentioning of that beautiful little boy reminded me of my own little miracle and naturally, I dropped a hand down to my belly and softly caressed it to soothe myself before the tears came, “It’s really very hard to see the person that you love deteriorate before your eyes. Someone like Chris… so strong and protective, my Adonis… I don’t like to see him this way. But he is this way… because of me.”

“Sy’Diyah, stop it… you know this isn’t your fault…” Destani spoke up from somewhere on my bed, but I was already shaking my head before she could finish her thought.

“Yes it is Destani, and no one can tell me any different. If I would have loved him as hard as he loved me… been in his corner as much as he was in mine… paid more attention…” Choking up on my words, I wasn’t even surprised when the first tear rolled down my right cheek, “If I would have paid more attention Destani, he would be here with us right now.”

I could hear someone shuffling up behind me and soon I felt a hand wrap around my waist from behind “Sy’Diyah, I don’t know all that happened between you two but… I know that none of this is your fault.”

With a hand clasped over my mouth and the other pressed against my chest, I shut my eyes for a while refusing to allow these tears to continue to fall. All I’d been doing lately was crying. I was seriously beginning to pity myself and I was embarrassed by how weak I was sure I looked to others.

It was Nalay standing at my side, clutching onto my waist as though I’d crumble if she let go. She held me close to her and rested her head against my shoulder as I breathed slowly, praying that by the time I opened my eyes the tears would have subsided. As expected, they didn’t and I finally removed my hand from my mouth and reached up to wipe the sadness away. Today was Christmas… a day that should be filled with love, smiles, and genuine laughter… and here I was sobbing like a baby. My hormones were completely out of whack and I was steadily becoming annoyed with the lack of normalcy I had yet to experience with this pregnancy.

Sniffling quietly I turned in Nalay’s embrace and hugged her for a moment as she toyed with the messy curls atop my head.

“Chris is a fighter Sy. He’s a soldier and I know God wouldn’t give him this battle to fight if he didn’t think he could handle it. He’ll be okay… I know he will.” Her soothing words were all it took for me to take one final hard sniffle and pull away with the corners of my lips turned up into a smile… a real smile.

“Thank you Nay.” I whispered to her. We reached across to each other’s cheeks, her wiping up the remnants of my tears and me wiping away the straggling tears on hers.

“I have something else to tell you guys…” I said, looking from her glossy eyes to the girls on the other side of the room. Each of them held the most subdued and dejected expressions and I swore I even caught Tameka quickly swiping the back of her hand beneath her left eye.

My right hand rested comfortably against my slightly flat stomach and I glanced down at it lovingly “I’m pregnant.”

Before I could even raise my gaze to examine each of their expressions, I heard a wave of gasps sweep through the room and Nalay swept me right back into a tight hug and I soon felt numerous pairs of arms wrapping around me from behind. It felt amazing to share my news with them and receive such a positive response. All the tension that’d previously been suffocating us from the somber truth of Chris’s whereabouts went right out the window as they showered me with love. I truly felt as though I was basking right in the middle of cloud nine as they twirled me around and Tameka dropped to her knees in front of me. With her hands gripping my hips, she leaned forward with her head angled to the side and pressed the side of her face up against my belly.

“Meka what the hell are you doing?” Destani asked through a voice full of laughter.

“Shhhh, I think I can hear my nephew swishing around in there.” She whispered. The girls broke out into a fit of laughter and I tossed my head back as she continued to sit there softly caressing my stomach.

“Oh shut up, it’s not a boy… I think it’s twins!” Nalay beamed. My eyes shut, but that smile never left my face… I didn’t care if it was quadruplets. I’d have as many babies as my body would allow as long as they were all created from the love I shared with Chris.

“Hell yeah, it might be… I feel like Chris got some strong ass sperm that could put a couple babies in there at one time.” Destani said, causing a domino effect of even more laughter and happiness.

[softforhenry]

I don’t watch every con panel, not even J2 even though I’m a Jensen!girl.

After the huge shitstorm on twitter and even in some media about J2 after SPNNOLA, I had to watch the panels myself though. I recommend that to everyone btw, who only builds their opinion on just a small video snippet of a panel or even just a single tweet.

And I genuinely recommend everyone to watch the panels anyway, because they were FUN!

Gold panel:

The boys joking about Jared’s “n’awlins” accent is so cute. Them doing accents is always great entertainment!

J2 thanking the fans for the EW covers. They are so thankful and appreciative of our support. No matter what they accomplish, they always credit us fans and take time to thank us for our devotion. That they’re still so humble about their success is amazing.

Jared: “I don’t know how subscribing a magazine works anymore.” – Jensen: “You sign up and they send you one.”  I just love Jensen’s deadpan humor! Jared talking about how his mom is so happy for him being on the cover - awww <3

Ahhhhh noooooo don’t kill the kitty, Jensen!! Bad Jensen. LOL.

“Jensen is a master of his voice.” – of course he is. What the hell isn’t he good at?!

Really interesting hearing them talk about voice acting. And I must say, I do enjoy the image of Jensen doing it with just his coffee in his hand and in underwear ^^

J2 being like “come here” to Alex, when he asked about cons. YES!! Bring him to one!

Jensen saying he already likes the holy water joke, because there’s a pun in there. And Jared doing the interrupting sloth. Gotta love those dorks!

The way Jensen immediately perks up and is really attentive when the fan mentions Danneel!

Dean “Boom Boom” Winchester. YES!!!

Jensen talking about home is the cutest!!! Danneel handing him the keys to “EVERYTHING” once Jensen gets home and then driving off… the way Jensen fondly jokes about it and then says that sometimes it does feel like it (wahhh they must miss home and their families so much and the little time they get together must feel too short all the time) and then he gets serious and says it’s actually him asking Danneel “what do you need me to do?”… such a good husband and dad <3

JENSEN MENTIONING FIREFLY – I LIVE FOR THIS!

“Potty words.” Oh Jared. LOL.

The pirate joke is always cute.

And now to that moment: now that I’ve seen it, my thoughts on it: First of all, Jensen genuinely tried to shut Jared down, his “no” was definitely serious. Jared then warned everyone that his joke is “really offensive”. People still kept cheering him on and asking him to tell it. He did. And yes, it was offensive. But yes, it was also a joke. Nothing more. Just to get some perspective on this: How many of you who are now dragging them over the coils for that joke, have played Cards against Humanity for example? How many of you have laughed at all those horrible, inappropriate things that came from that game? Knowing exactly how offensive it is? Just think about that for a second. Also Jensen’s “Mr. Cosby” … how many of you are still making jokes about Trump and retweet memes and stuff about Trump? In all seriousness, there’s nothing to joke about what Trump is doing. But sometimes people have to laugh. That’s it. SO WHERE THE HELL IS THE DIFFERENCE? The double standards of some people are astonishing and it always gets me.

Jared talking about how Odette likes to play with his beard. CUTENESS ALERT!

“Alex has plenty of stories to tell already.” – Then let’s get him to a con ASAP!!!

J2 are always so thoughtful answering the acting advice question. No matter how many times it gets asked, they don’t look bored by it and they always take it serious. They want other people to succeed and give them the best advice they can. Every single time. It amazes me sometimes that they don’t get fed up with questions like this that get asked so often, but they’re always gracious and genuine in their response and I think it’s really sweet and a testament to their characters.

We as a fandom could learn from that, in my humble opinion.

Main panel:

Jensen’s chant. DAMN!! Great mood from the beginning. Love him!

Jared’s story about getting lost in New Orleans and meeting that person who thought he’s only dressed up as Sam Winchester had me laughing.

I know prank questions are getting old, but this time there was actually a good prompt to ask it with Alex being new on set. I giggled at Jensen describing it as “welcome package”. Also let’s hope we get that extra long gag reel!!!!

J2 teasing Misha. I know some people don’t like it. But the thing is, I see most people who say they’re done with it blaming J2 for giving fuel to the Misha haters and that being the reason they don’t like it. Two things that go through my mind at that every time: You shouldn’t blame friends joking about each other for the actions of other people! And the haters will ALWAYS find something to use for their agenda. Everyone with two eyes can see that J2M are true friends. Just watch the jibcon panels and their live streams and stuff – these guys love each other. No matter WHAT J2 might say about Misha, it won’t change a hater’s mind. Nothing will. So let the boys joke about each other. Like Jensen once said: “We prank you as maliciously as we do, because we like you the best.” 

Also here we go with the double standards again: Everyone getting so offended over the offensive joke in the gold panel, but laughing about Jared calling Jensen Misha’s toy? Sexualizing and dehumanizing him? So to those who get angry about the first one and start laughing and squeeing about the second one: Please explain to me why that’s okay? I guess when it fits shipping purposes everything’s fine? Idk… but that’s what I get from it. Jensen’s initial reaction was a double take and a “you did not just say that”-look. But of course Jensen went with the joke and that’s what I love about all of them: They can take a joke, they laugh about each other and even more about themselves, they make us laugh in the process, they aren’t afraid to makes themselves look silly. It’s all in good fun. I’m so done with fans trying their hardest to turn everything into a bad thing. Isn’t this supposed to be our source of fun and sometimes an escape from reality? 

“I shift myself.” Oh Jared. LOL. Jensen stopping Stephen from making the badum tsss at that joke and then apologizing for their lame jokes. PLEASE DON’T EVER CHANGE GUYS!!!

Loved the question about Dean and Jack, Dean’s emotional state and how Jensen thinks about it. I seriously live for hearing Jensen talk about his acting choices and about Dean’s headspace. How he describes anger as a stage of grief – everyone who calls Dean a meanie for his behavior with Jack: Please listen to Jensen here, he’s really an emotionally intelligent man and has a great understanding and instinct for human emotions. I’m also curious about him teasing that the relationship between Dean and Jack will change.

Jensen’s instant reaction of “NONONONONO” to destroying the Impala in episode 2x02 makes me so emotional. This scene is one of those that will always stick with me, it’s so raw and brutal and Jensen was incredible!

It’s also interesting to hear about how they filmed that motel room scene in episode 10x23. That they trashed the room first and then Jensen had to match the destruction they already created for the first takes. I’m laughing at him describing how he threw something against that picture frame and instead of crashing it was hanging perfectly after it. - “He is the one.” – DAMN RIGHT! :)

And Jared chiming in how funny it would’ve been if it had been on purpose and them miming how they put everything into place. LOL.

Look how sweet and happy they look for that girl spending her birthday at the con and having the time of her life. They love seeing other people happy. Adding something to their happiness. They’re good beans.

Jensen admitting that he’s an awful liar and to ask his wife. LOL. Someone ask Danneel about it at the next con she’s at!! (She needs to come to more, pleeeease!!)

Jared fangirling over Sam’s hair, Jensen joking that it’s gray and then making all those faces behind Jared (what an adorable clown!) and then going on to say “I pinch my… side”, that pause and his face after it!! Jensen has such amazing comedic timing, it’s gold!!!

Jensen explaining his reaction to when he sees his own performance on screen, especially emotional ones is so great. How he feels and taps into that emotion again when watching the scene and how much he loves his character (HE’S DEAN’S NUMBER 1 FAN!!!). Also their approach in preparing for a scene and how it fits their characters so well was truly interesting. Jared endlessly preparing and researching, just like Sam. While Jensen does it more on instinct, just like Dean. Gotta say here, that this is why I’m a Jensen/Dean fan. You notice that in his performance all the time and the authenticity he brings to each of Dean’s emotions is always tugging at my heartstrings.

Remembering Kim is always so sweet. They have so many nice things to say about Kim and I found it touching that they’re honoring him so much and credit him for their success.

JENSEN LOVES STRANGER THINGS!!! :D

The boys teasing Heather… from… Colorado. I’m laughing so hard. I love that they do this kind of thing (though I’d probably die if they started teasing me like that at the mic). The tease and joke with us fans, like we’re really friends/family.

Jared sharing so much about his struggles and his family is always special. I admire him for being so open and I’m thankful for everything he shares with us.

Jensen acknowledging that it’s good that people don’t feel ashamed of getting help, that it’s not about that person being crazy or that there’s something wrong with them. Acceptance is the biggest thing he wants to teach his children and I admire that. Also how his children should feel love and give love is a beautiful thing to say and to live by.

That they use gifs of themselves so often, especially Jared with the Loreal one, is so funny to me.

Jensen geeking out that they’re so popular because there’s so many gifs of SPN – WHAT A CUTIE OMG!

Jensen joking with that girl when she says her favorite gif is the one of Crowley saying “I torture all my friends, it’s how I show love.” His reaction: “What does that say about you? I like it. Text me. Colorado Heather has my number.” I’M DYING HAHAHAHAHA

Jensen & classic rock – YES! “I named my kid Zeppelin!” LOL.

“I like big butts.” – “I’ve put everything I have into Sam.” … Lots of dirty jokes and innuendo. Gotta love them.

“What would Dean do?” … Jensen totally is Dean’s number 1 fan.

I like how respectful Jensen speaks about Bob Singer’s directing. No matter what you think about Singer personally, I love how much Jensen admires other people’s skills and praises their good work.

Good points from Jared about Sam and Jack’s relationship as well. Especially liked how Jared said we don’t actually really know where Sam stands right now. It’s truly unclear how much Sam is about using Jack or caring about him and what he expects from taking Jack under his wing.

LET’S KEEP PUSHING FOR THE SPN MOVIE!!

The last question: Love that the scene with Baby’s backseat wasn’t scripted!

Bottom line: I really enjoyed both panels. J2 were in a great mood and there were some really interesting questions. Watching the panels made me wish that it’s February already so I can be at a con again and enjoy their panels in person <3

[the-keionbu]

Never before did I feel the theme of ticking time that K-ON portrays than I did this past year/semester of my college career (and I guess bleeding into my summer)

Well, let me preface first with one of the major themes of K-ON season 2 of time, starting when the girls are recruiting new club members, ultimately deciding not to have new people and Yui saying something along the the lines of that they (the girls) have all the time in the world to spend with one another. To which, Sawako responds, “A year can fly by in a blink of an eye,” or something to that extent.

And then this theme is beautifully portrayed carefully throughout the season with the many “fillers” where you forget time is running out. Then by episode 20, the seniors FEEL the reality of their time as high schoolers, as a band, may soon come to a close.

Past strong character development, I really admire series that can tell relateable stories. And not just stories that are like, easily resonate-able. It’s one thing to portray the importance of friendship, and to be able to look at your own respective groups of friends and say “Yeah, I feel.”

What I REALLY admire, is the realistic portrayal of emotion throughout the course of the characters lives we see. 

Of course that’s a given, but theme analysis (IMHO) is MUCH MUCH stronger when taken from the viewer’s own story. So, let me explain further by my own personal experience.

I’m pretty sure everyone has basically gathered from my personal posts on here that I was heavily involved with a student organization during my time in college. 

I joined the club my spring semester of my freshman year, and that has been one of the most important catalysts that made me into who I am today. During that time, I got involved, served in little parts of this campus ministry, and then as an upperclassman, took up the main leadership role for one year, and was on the leadership team as another leader for a different ministry within the group this past year.

Throughout that time, I grew SO much, personally. God sat down my prideful ass and showed me humility, He showed me what it means/takes to lead, and showed me to truly love myself for as I was made. And the ways that translated to how I see life/interact with people have been life changing (LITERALLY I’M NOT EVEN BEING OVER DRAMATIC I SWEAR)

BUT BUT BUTTTT, another big big thing I can’t be more thankful for during my 4 years was the people that surrounded me.

I have always always valued friendship. Growing up as an only child, friends were a big part of my life, because sitting at home alone is boring and lonely. 

But the group of people I met in college showed me what real family meant.

It started out as seeing them once, maybe twice a week for our official group meetings. Then slowly it would be a few times a week, and for a while, I would be with at least some people (out of ~40 people) nearly everyday.

As someone who grew up essentially being taught crying = weakness, and grew up with an incredibly small emotional support system, I had nearly closed myself emotionally to most people. I HATED showing anything other than positivity, strength, courage.

I went through a lot of ups and downs in college. I was brought to to the aftermath of what happens when you think you can do everything yourself, I can finally sympathize with people who have really low self-esteem, because BOI at one point I lost nearly all self-confidence I once prided myself in, I’ve been in a car accident EVERY YEAR, for the past three years, and suffered lowkey PTSD from getting clipped my a truck, and then getting my back car WRECKED in the rain this past year.

I’m very grateful to say most of my life growing up was very pain-free, for the most part (it also helps when you unconsciously repress many things.)

BUT B O I  did college test my endurance as a person. I’ve had more arguably “BAD” things happen to me in the course of these 4 years than I did my entire 22, but I honestly can’t be more thankful for them.

One of the biggest, yes, each one helped me grow as a person. I can firmly say each was a lesson in life, and has made me stronger from surviving each one (I AM MELODRAMATIC I’M SORRY) and jesus is my boi for being a homie throughout all of them, the dishing out, and the saving

BUT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT FRIENDSHIP

AND NOW WE WILL

I can honestly say, I would’ve been much more rekt from all of these if not for my friends, those I call my family.

These people were there for me, right by my side, checking up on me through each stage. It took me 20 years to cry and admit weakness and vulnerability in front of ANYONE, and when I did, the amount of relief and love I felt from them was immeasurable.

TLDR, I LOVE THEM ALL VERY MUCH.

Now, where does time play into this?

I went about my fourth year in college in literally full out Senior Mode.

I did NO T H I NG.

I literally went on a roadtrip with people nearly every other month, I would skip class to go get lunch with someone, my freetime thatt should be spend for classwork WAS MOST CERTAINLY NOT

I was very determined to enjoy my time (which, this was basically me during my entire time but w/e)

And I would always chalk it up to “ya know, I can’t be as lackidasical and lazy when I start working”

Senior year went by so fast. 

I can’t stress that enough.

There’s no way I can intangibly measure the rate at which I felt the year fly by, but boi did it FLY. BY

and literally the next thing I know is that my graduating class in our fellowship and I are having our last offical meeting with everyone, mid-may before club activities end. The ones not graduating (like, ~40 pople,) prayed for the graduating (8 of us) and all of us broke down

Then WE prayed over our underclassman, and I literally couldn’t speak, and I can as I look back, I’m hit with the realization that the emotions of departure that I was feeling were the EXACT same that Yui, Mio, Ritsu and Mugi felt in episode 20.

The underclassman had planned an entire night for us, to thank us for all we’ve done in our fellowship. There was a cute video of them talking about us, they made us presents, wrote notes to all of us, et ecetera. 

But it wasn’t until the very end of the night, as we prayed over each other did I realize that I would not be able to be in the same place as them, fellowship with them, worship with them, really ever. Or at least for a long while.

It it broke my heart (in a good way)

One, because of the sheer “I will very seldom see them all (I mean as a big group) again”

Two, because of the deep, deep gratitude I have in meeting each, and every one of them.

Of course, I still see a bunch of them, hanging out this summer, but as I (kinda) prepare to move for my job, it’s a weird feeling.

During that night, I had thoughts of “man, I wish I reached out to this person more,” or “I wish I spent more time with them,” or “I wish I didn’t miss this event” or “wasn’t busy with x instead” AND SO MANY THOUGHTS

And I’m not saying I live in regrets, nor that I’m nenver gonna see them again. Not at all. I think no matter how much time I spent with this family, I would always think it could be more. Because that’s what happens when you truly find people you love, HOURS of hanging out amount to seconds as you look back on it. And I’m very thankful to say I’m pretty sure I will see most of these people in my life for years to come

BUTTTTT

As I move onto the next stage of my life, Sawako’s words really resonate with me.

What I really want to point out is just how FAST they go from Sawako saying a year goes by fast, to them almost immediately changing the topic and carrying on their daily routine of snacking

Because that’s just so real. The entire concept of how time flies by fast is packed into this 30 second dialogue.

And let me tell, you, is that ever, ever true.

Now,

I was gonna write something here, but I decided now is not the time

BUT BASICALLY as someone who now feels pretty old in this fan base, and advice I can’t stress enOUGH

Open yourself up to possibilities, people, and truly, truly treasure the time you have with your friends.

Yes, opening up to people is SCARY, TRUST ME. But if you really feel it’s someone you can trust, just do it. And even if it turns out bad, it’s okay, you will bounce back, and you will grow.

And when you find those people, those that you feel like they are HOME for you, treasure treasure TREASURE them. Spend more time with them, take more pictures, do MORE dumb things, because that’s what will cling to your memory more than anything. And if my words don’t prove that, go just frickin watch K-ON again and tell me the times that they stalked Sawako, or when Yui got lost during the marathon, TELL. ME. that those weren’t more memorable to them than whhen they just practiced.

With that, let me end this with one story:

I graduated at the end of may in the MLB ballpark in the city my college was in. Which meant, we were all in the stands. Grads were mixed together, we could sti with anyone, and we were able to walk around the stadium during the duration of the ceremony.

Which meant, we got to walk around, get food from the ballpark, meet our friends and family in their stands, it was just, very casual, and not like a usual graduation ceremony.

The actual commencement was so boring. And it was a joy to hear they’d start to let us line up to get our ‘dimplomas.’

So background, since we had it at an MLB ballpark, the team had a game next day, so wwe couldn’t go on the field, or else it’d mess it up. And EVERYONE who was graduating, NOT BY MAJOR, but E V ERY O NE, sat together. 5,000 people graduating at once.

So instead of calling our names one by one, like a usual commencement, all the grads lined up for 4 different cameras set around the field that would be displayed on the Big Screen on the stadium. Our friends and families would have to play “Where’s Waldo” for when their loved one was on the screen.

My friends and I, the ones that were graduating from our fellowship, sat together, got our dipolmas together, and took pics together back in the stands before the fireworks show started.

this whole thing for people to get their degree on camera took over an hour, whic, ofc with 5k people.

We got ours in the middle, and were just chilling with our other friends who came down to see us.

earlier that week, one of our guys (not graduating) joked about bringing his old middle school robe from their promotion and sitting with us, because they don’t check. Only if eveyrone had a purple cap and gown.

He didn’t end up bringing it, and we gave him crap

JOKINGLY, I said to him as were waiting for fireworks, “What if you took one of our cap and gowns and pretened to walk and graduate”

and after a short bet, he had to do it. Borrowed one of our  attires, suited up, and joined the last leg of people receiving their diplomas, dabbed (trash) on screen as he was on the camera, and was stopped by a security asking him “Why did you wait so long to line up??”

and the whole thing was hilarious, and documented HEAVILY on our social medias and phones, and still something we all joke and laugh about.

BUT

the point is, we all remember and cherish the memory him pretending to graduate, over our own graduation

and i hope each and every one of you strives to make memories like those

[forever-always]

2X15 thoughts

I watched the episode yesterday but lets just say I was not in the right state of mind to do a review or to even function properly. I had a hard time trying to press play, I mean I downloaded the Episode in the morning but watched it only in the night. Before watching the episode I sort of closed myself off emotionally and thought I was 100% prepared for the episode. (Trust Me I FAILED MISERABLY like never before)

Anywas onto the Episode:

1) The opening scene was good... Simon looked devastated... I knew Quinn was up to no good... And is it just me or does that bleeders den look like a stripper club??? 2) Alec in bed. THOSE RED SILK SHEETS. THAT RUNE COVERED BACK. Red looks good on Alec/Matt. (It was like all the best artists in history got together and decided to do a collab and came up with their finest piece of ARTWORK ever to Exist) Im sorry off topic... 3) The MALEC MORNING scene from the peeks... THE CUTEST FUCKING SCENE TO EVER EXIST ON TV.. Hands down!!!! The mockery snore, OMG CUTENESS OVERLOADED.. Improvised??? 4) It was nice to see Izzy and Jace converse... Izzy leading a mission... I am here for it... 5) Simon a murderer???? NAH not buying it.. 6) Clary was ANNOYING AF in this Episode... (I HATE CLIMON But that scene in the boat basin hit me hard, close to home... coz I have been in Simon’s shoes) It was highly relatable.. 7) LUKE. Enough Said... Having him on our screens is a BLESSING.... 8) I sort of had my doubts about who was in the closet.. Again, feels good to be right... 9) SEBASTIAN FUCKED ME UP GOOD... OMG...!!! 10) ALINE PENHALLOW.. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH 11) BABY MAGNUS WAS THE CUTEST BABY BOY TO EVER EXIST... Those cute lil round cheeks... OMG can I have more of this Kid??? 12) Now I DIDN’T cry during the Magnus flashback, but It weighed so badly on my Emotions, that I felt like though some one had placed a mountain on my heart and expected me to function normally... It was some EMOTIONALLY HEAVY shit... Kudos to Harry and Matt too for pulling off that scene so BEAUTIFULLY.... 13) #MALEC #PowerCouple 14) ALICANTE!!!!!!!!!!! Finally... 15) RIP Duncan... I couldn’t care less for you buddy... this is what happens when u bad mouth ALEC LIGHTWOOD bud.. 16) REALLY??? that. is. Jonathan???? WTAF??? u are trying to tell me his ACTUAL APPEARANCE looks like Steak gone wrong...???? OK.. (I’m sorry.. bad joke... no offence) 17) Wait, u are telling me that U CAN DETOUR THROUGH A PORTAL??? REALLY??? SO THE GUYS BEHIND DUNCAN AND VALENTINE DIDN’T NOTICE THEM MISSING SUDDENLY??? REALLY???

Overall:

HARRY SHUM JR. DID IT AGAIN... WHERE THE HELL ARE HIS AWARDS?????? That was ONE tough Scene... Jeez..... WILL TUDOR WHERE ARE YOUR AWARDS TOO BUDDY??? PHEW... HE IS KILLING IT....

CLIMON FUCKING ENDED FINALLY!!!! THANK U GOD.... ***When they mentioned a referencing to a quote in 2x01 I knew it would be “when things get crazy, don’t push me away”.. THANK U writers... we also got the reference to 2x05... Again thank u... ***The “I love u, I know something is wrong, whatever it is I am here for u’ ‘I burned him Alexander” “I didn’t want you to see this terrible ugly side of me” AND “There is nothing ugly about u” HIT ME HARD... like REAL HARD.. (The way he held his face and looked into his eyes, Magnus being caught off guard when he saw that ALEC WAS NOT GOING ANYWHERE, HE WAS HERE TO STAY...) “Remember how I told you I found my mother dead by her own hands” NO MAGNUS I DON’T REMEMBER BECAUSE I DID NOT FUCKING SEE IT... GIVE ME THIS SCENE WRITERS... NOW!!!!

It was a GOOD episode, I DIDN’T HATE IT, but I DIDN’T LOVE IT either... I went in to the episode with ZERO EXPECTATION, so It wasn’t a surprise with the screen time Magnus’s story line got compared to SIMON and CLIMON... still I was Disappointed ngl... (I know it was Simon centric, but isn’t 2x16 also????)

                                     ******END OF RANT******

[calzona-ga]

When Grey’s Anatomy boss Shonda Rhimes told EW that the finale would be “on fire,” she was being quite literal.

After Stephanie set fire to the escaping rapist in the penultimate hour, she accidentally caused a giant explosion in the hospital. Against all odds, Stephanie survived the fire, and even saved the little girl, but the event made her realize that she’s spent most of her life in a hospital and doesn’t want to anymore. Yes, Stephanie survived, but she subsequently quits — and her portrayer Jerrika Hinton is officially leaving the ABC medical drama.

“Actors evolve differently and when an actor like Jerrika comes to me and says she wants to try something new creatively, I like to honor that,” executive producer Shonda Rhimes says of the exit. “Jerrika has shared so much of herself with Stephanie and I am incredibly proud of the journey we’ve taken together. While I’m sad to see Stephanie leave Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital, I am excited to see what’s next for Jerrika.”

EW turned to Hinton to get the scoop on why she decided to leave:

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: What came with the decision to leave Grey’s Anatomy, and what was that conversation with Shonda like? JERRIKA HINTON: That was a conversation that happened almost a year ago. It was very, very open and straightforward. You ever have one of those conversations — with a superior in particular, not just a peer — that feels like a natural, genuine meeting of the minds? That’s what that conversation was like. It was extremely and deeply gratifying.

How do you feel about how Stephanie’s story came to an end, that she went off to live her own life and not die, which is what everyone expected after that penultimate episode? I’m a fan. I deeply appreciate that she gets to leave a lasting mark, not just in that place, but also from what the fans on social media are saying and within the audiences’ minds as well. I feel like this is the natural conclusion of what her journey has been over this season. Her journey has been about self-actualization and repression. Being in the line of work that is about literal life and death and yet no one processing it, and no one encouraging that you process it; Minnick was possibly the only one, in episode 22 or 23, when she sent Steph to therapy. For as upset as people may be with Minnick, that was the right thing. That is the thing that not only Stephanie needs, but everybody in that line of work — everybody in that hospital definitely — needs. You’ve got her sacrificing herself for a place that isn’t doing the same thing for her. We saw it when they lost the little boy, and Robbins ran after Minnick rather than tending to the distraught resident. You’ve got her in the midst of conditions that are figuratively and literally burning her out. It’s meaningful that she not only sees the world for what it is, but that she also makes a healthy decision about how to move forward. Whenever we see people on television making those kinds of hard decisions, it makes it easier for us to do that in our own lives — or at least makes us soften to the possibility of doing that in our own lives.

Was there ever a possibility that they were going to kill off Stephanie? I mean, I’ve pitched a lot of things over the years, and I’m sure the writers in the bungalow have pitched a lot of things this season. So, I can’t necessarily speak to how many versions of Stephanie’s exit there were, but I know there were multiple versions.

Would you have wanted her to die? Only if it had been in a very specific way. There are a very narrow set of circumstances that I felt would be appropriate for her to exit the show with death. It can’t just be death for melodrama’s sake.

Stephanie basically got Minnick fired. How do you think she feels about that? I think in that final interaction that Stephanie has with Minnick, Stephanie would feel a-okay. She would not lose any sleep at night. This is what I will say: Everybody should just go off and live their best life.

Looking back at your time on the show, is there any particular moment that sticks out to you? Honestly, it’s going to be that scene with Jim [Pickens Jr.] in the finale. Everything about shooting the last two episodes was so strenuous and exhausting and, in ways, traumatizing. That one scene, which came very early in the schedule of the finale, was a moment where everything became easy, and everything had such flow. In the midst of such chaos and spectacle, to have something like that, I think the dichotomy alone makes it something that just stands out for me.

What was it like filming this episode? It was a beast, to be quite honest with you. I’m still recovering, physically and emotionally, from it. I’m going to get emotional. When my parents get in town [Thursday] and we go over to my girlfriend’s house and we all sit down together and have a big viewing party, there’s going to be a couple things that I know I can’t watch, just because it’s going to feel like I am going through it again; I can’t watch it as a viewer. So I’m prepared for that. But to speak about production, I had to do an hour of prosthetics every morning, you had pyrotechnics going off all around you, you were breathing propane fumes all day, all week, running up and down stairs, carrying a kid, screaming my heart out on a rooftop in the middle of the night. It was a lot. It was more than I have ever had to endure with an episode or a role. I hope it was all worth it, I hope it all shows on the screen.

Is there anything you would change or anything you regret from your time on Grey’s? No. I’ve been there for five years, and the decision to leave was my own that was supported in a very deep way that I could never communicate, by my boss, and a host of other things that I could mention that have happened in those five years that are just significant memories. So when I look back on my time, I genuinely can’t. Not only do I not have regrets, I don’t have any what ifs, I don’t have any if onlys; everything that has happened has happened in exactly the way that it should for myself. I look forward to the next chapter, because I know I can close this and let go of this one so cleanly.

There’s really nothing you wish you had gotten to do with Stephanie? No romance you wish you could’ve explored? No, because for me to answer that question, I’d have to create a whole new world of circumstances. Within the circumstances of what the show is and all the characters that we have had and all the pairings that we have had over the years, there’s nothing else I would’ve done differently. There are no new romances that I think they should’ve thought out with cast members. It’s not like I think Stephanie should’ve taken over the hospital, none of that. Everything has been what it is.

Are you open to returning to Grey’s Anatomy in the future? Yes, that place has a really wonderful soft spot in my heart. I think that because of the nature of Stephanie’s injuries and the way that she has decided to leave, what she has decided to prioritize, for it to make sense, it would have to be a long time before Stephanie graces those halls again for it to make sense. She can’t have gone through all of this and then six months later says, “Hey guys, just kidding, I’m back. I went and I took two hikes and I was like, ‘I’m good!‘”

You’ve already signed onto something new, this Alan Ball project for HBO. Is there anything you can say? To be honest with you, even though I’m a month outside of being in Shondaland, my reflexes are still Shondaland reflexes, which means I get very nervous about sharing information. Even though I’m certain I can, I’m still working to recalibrate those reflexes. The new show is really wonderful. I’m very, very excited about my character. I’m still scared, because I don’t know what I can or can’t say. Shonda has trained me well. [Laughs] Words can’t explain [how much fun I’m having]. My new family and I, we have this group text. We sit and text all day. If you would’ve told me a few months ago that I would sit on my phone texting all day with a bunch of people, I would’ve said, “That sounds like pure hell, please let me just turn off my phone and not be connected,” but I pick up my phone and go, “What is the group talking about today?” It’s just so exciting. There’s such love and generosity. It’s very collaborative. I feel very fortunate.

[whoisken]

Coming Of Age Comedy: A Soundtrack of My Emotional Journey in H.S.

Freshman Year is a an entire stream of consciousness that I have willed into being a blur since I loved myself too much and acted and dressed and felt like a bashful fool. So that year’s soundtrack will not be addressed.

Sophomore Year

September-November, 2014 - Make Me Wanna Die - The Pretty Reckless

                                               - Heart-shaped Box - Nirvana

Left in the haze of my grunge, drugs (but didn’t do drugs), and partying (but I didn’t party) phase, that section of my life went out in a bang when I discovered the sounds of the Pretty Reckless. This phase ended because of my feelings of loneliness subsiding because I met some pretty great(?) people that year.

December-March, 2014-15 - Love Shack - B-52′s

                                             - All You Need Is Love - The Beatles

                                             - You & I - One Direction

At this stage in my life I fell in love, with my friends, the feeling of belonging to a group. I thought that I finally found a group of friends who understand me an accepted me and embraced me with love and friendship. I was loved up, and felt confident, because of them and them introducing me to One Direction.

 May-July, 2015 -This Is What It Feels Like - Banks

                           - Cherry Bomb - The Runaways

                           - Undone - the bird and the bee

                           - Losing It - Summer Camp

The Summer I felt like a typical teen. I’ve always wanted to feel the way the characters in movies seemed to feel. During summer there was this gust of confidence and personality on the screen. I wanted to feel that, and I did. This was the summer I actually had friends to be around and hang out. This was the summer I got my license and started talking to my first soon to be boyfriend. This was the summer my friend and I liked the same boy and made a choice. It sounds like a movie and it was one of my best summers ever.

Junior Year

August-October, 2015 - Feels Like We Only Go Backwards - Tame Impala

                                     - Gold - Chet Faker

                                      - It’s Too Late - Carole King

This was when shit started to get bad. I’m probably misinterpreting the meanings of these songs as I add them to this portion of my emotional stream, but they have the feel and idea of how I felt during this period. I had a small batch of depression wave over me. I was trying to take care of myself while also appeasing someone else and my friends. This was the worst time to get a SO because I physically and mentally could not be present. I tried to push them away and be with friends more for some normalcy. But I felt like I couldn’t take care of myself because of my mental state, oncoming stress, and family. My relationship wasn’t a relationship because I couldn’t be in it emotionally.

November-February 2015-16  - Tainted Love- Soft Cell

                                  - Aladdin Sane - David Bowie

                                  - Baby’s On Fire - Brian Emo

This was when Shit was bad. I stopped associating with other people in hopes to figure out what was going on with me. I fell into glam rock because it seemed to reflect my mental state. I began worshipping Ziggy as if he was a real god, because the music of the glam rockstars seemed to express how I felt. At this point in my life I was pretty isolated and didn't want to do much (which is usually usual, but I mean less so)

 March- May 2016 - Dreams - Tish Hyman

                               - Cry Baby - The Neighborhood

                               - My Song 5 - HAIM

At this point I almost got over my depression and was functioning again. But when I woke up from my mentally draining haze, I realized I lost 75% of the very few friends I had. I can’t remember what happened exactly, I remember there was no one right answer, but I do remember how it felt. The feeling was pretty bad, because I used to move around a lot. I knew what it was like to leave friends that way, but I was not prepared for just drifting a part. That never happened to me before. I had a hard time accepting the fact that I still thought they were my friends months after they stopped inviting me to things and hanging out with me. So, yea. That hurt.

June-August 2016 - Fooled Around and Fell In Love - Elvin Bishop

                               - Don’t You Worry ‘Bout A Thing - Stevie Wonder

Looking back, I started to appreciate myself more. I used to think that I was distracting myself with happy thoughts and acts to maintain a content mental state, but I think I actually started loving myself slightly more. It was more a feeling like: “ya they dropped you, but why tho”. I asked why  A LOT. To give the reader an idea of A LOT, I mean, I got into my car wreck over the summer because I was asking myself “why did they drop me”. That summer I kept wondering why, but I also prospered mentally.

Senior Year

September-November 2016 - 3AM- HONNE

                                              - The Night Has Opened My Eyes - the Smiths

At this point, I would like to say I was over it, but not really. Seeing everyone again after summer, when I just put myself back together was pretty bad, and I kinda felt like one of those cliches in movies that hardcore believes high school is hell just conservative Christians hardcore believe Jesus is our Savior.

September-January 2016-17 - New Person, Same Old Mistakes - Tame Impala

                                               - High For This - The Weeknd

                                                -Mary Jane - Rick James

We’re almost done. Sorry this is so long, but this is what I went through. It was long and almost unbearable, which is what you are now going to endure with me as I relive this. Nothing really significant happened at this point though. Just the normal stress that comes with college and senior year.  I was a new person, with some old mistakes. I didn’t think enough funk was being represented so I added some classic Rick James. And I just like this Weeknd Song.

February-May 2017 - I’m Still Standing - Elton John

                                  - Dancing in the Street - David Bowie and Mick Jagger

I was pretty indifferent to the feeling of high school ending. I wanted to get out of there, but I’ve already made new relationships and wanted them to last. That probably doesn’t make sense. I was happy, as you could tell by the music of the time, but was basically chill.

Present Day - Wham Bang Shang-A-Lang - Silver

Now I’m done, I’m past high school. I’ll still be feeling even though it’s over. My thoughts and emotions about my time spent will constantly change, and I’ll have to update it. Right now I’m feeling a lot of emotions I want to incorporate into this part, but that’s for another blog post.

The point of this was because I’ve always wanted to make a soundtrack for my life, and what’s more cliche than another typical high school soundtrack. I also just wanted to give people (who probably don’t care) insight to how I felt while they were around me in high school. This was just a normal blog post, but with a twist, to make it memorable, so that I always have to look back at it. 

Thanks for reading!!! 

P.S. listen to the last song, it sums up the entirety of this post...

[movietvtechgeeks]

Latest story from https://movietvtechgeeks.com/sundance-day-8-wounds-queer-perspective-plus-throughbred-sidney-hall/

Sundance Day 8 'Wound's' queer perspective plus 'Throughbred,' 'Sidney Hall'

The 2017 Sundance Film Festival is nearly over, and as we’re basking in the glow of fresh air and theater lighting, it’s exciting knowing that some amazing treasures found here will be resonating with today’s world. Some of our favorites picks of today are John Trengrove’s fascinating The Wound which really gives an eye-opening look at a South African secretive rite of passage for boys entering into manhood.

Thoroughbred is another very interesting one that many people can relate to about two friends trying to rekindle their connection. It reminded me of when you home five years or more after high school and run into some of those same people who never left your town. You realize how much you’ve changed in that time and trying to connect again is nearly impossible, especially for those that haven’t changed at all in that same timeframe.

‘THE WOUND’ PRESENTS A QUEER PERSPECTIVE ON A SOUTH AFRICAN RITUAL OF MANHOOD

For his enthralling debut feature, South African filmmaker John Trengove lifts the veil on the secretive rite of passage from boyhood to manhood in a remote area of South Africa. The Wound follows Xolani (Nakhane Touré), a forlorn factory worker, as he travels to an obscure mountain camp where teen boys go through the traditional Xhola initiation. Xolani has been assigned to mentor a friend’s son, Kwanda (Niza Jay Ncoyini), who notices the attraction between Xolani and another caregiver, Vija (Bongile Mantsai), who is not only secretive about his sexuality but also prone to bursts of explosive behavior.

Following the screening, Trengove, who is white and self-identifies as queer, said he made the movie because there’s a complete lack of queer imagery in the African film canon. “It came out of a sense of urgency,” he told the audience. “For myself as an outsider, it’s something I could speak about more freely than someone who is inside the culture. I’m speaking about same-sex desire. As a queer filmmaker I was able to introduce the subject into this very intricate world and practice.”

Describing the project as the result of profound collaborations, Trengove revealed that to achieve authenticity he spoke with a South African novelist who had been through the initiation himself, and the two men began to create the story together. The three principal actors in the film each in his own way made a formidable contribution to the film, not just in terms of what an actor does but in making the characters their own and contributing something quintessential and unique to their own experiences.

Trengove noted that the film’s subject matter is very controversial in South Africa, despite being the subject of various documentaries and news articles and even being mentioned by Nelson Mandela in his autobiography. “I think our film comes at a moment when there’s a growing conversation about a sensitive subject,” he stated. “The ritual has come under fire for reasons of relevance and safety. I think equally it’s still regarded as a meaningful process that boys go through that shows them their place in the world of men.”

The director praised the courage of his three lead actors for taking on the roles. “I was very fortunate to have the bravery of these three actors to collaborate on what you saw tonight,” he said. “They did it for their own very personal reasons, primarily out of a conviction that these are stories we need to begin to speak out.”

THOROUGHBRED: OLIVIA COOKE AND ANYA TAYLOR-JOY CONSPIRE TO MURDER

With his debut film, Thoroughbred, Cory Finley finessed his way through two major challenges that could confound another first-time filmmaker. The first, as he told the audience during a post-screening discussion on Thursday at the Yarrow Theatre, was a transition from theater to moviemaking. And the second was pulling off a nuanced tone that at once straddles comedy, drama, and thriller.

The film stars Sundance Film Festival veterans Olivia Cooke (Me and Earl and the Dying Girl) and Anya Taylor-Joy (The Witch) as Amanda and Lily, two old school friends who uneasily try to rekindle some kind of connection. Though Amanda is emotionally blocked, incapable of showing or perhaps even having feelings, chilly Lily slowly reveals herself to be in greater crisis, as she bristles against a stepfather whose strictness is driving her to entertain wicked thoughts.

Finley talked about how Thoroughbred started out as a play but became a film. “When it was a play it really was a kind of philosophical, moral discussion between these two characters on one couch. It started with asking questions about myself, and attacking some of my own fears and anxieties about my own mind and moral compass, through writing,” he said. “As I started getting towards the later drafts of the play, I realized that there was something about it that was very film noir. And even though it was contained in one household, I started becoming aware of all the things I could do cinematically.”

Producer Alex Saks talked about her first conversation with Finley, after coming across what was still a play. “Within five minutes I knew that even if he didn’t know it yet, he was going to direct the movie — and that he was a filmmaker,” she said. Finley described trying to make up for his inexperience by reading books, watching movies, and visiting film sets in the months before his first shoot. “I tried to cram in as much preparation as possible so that I could communicate effectively with the whole crew,” he said. “But I was certainly learning a lot on the job.”

And as for that fine-tuned tone, Finley said it was something they consciously refined from rehearsals through the shoot and then in editing. “We talked about [the tone] as being a narrow tightrope,” he said. “I was lucky to get a couple of days of rehearsal before we started, with the two leads, and we came to a clear understanding of the tone that we were all aiming for. And then in the editing process we had another chance to really look carefully at these scenes and play very specifically with timing and pauses and different takes. There’s a fun balance to be had in trying to provoke an audience to laugh and also to be slightly afraid. The two emotions, if you can balance them, go well together.”

Though he said he still plans on producing more theater, Finley’s first foray into filmmaking has him hooked. “I’ve fallen in love with the tools to which a director has access,” he said. “So I’m definitely looking forward to playing around in this world more.”

WINNIE: A DOC ABOUT WOMEN, POLITICS, AND MISOGYNY

With WINNIE, the new documentary about Winnie Madikizela-Mandela, Pascale Lamche offers an illuminating portrait of the complex story of the woman, who is often cast in the shadow of legendary human rights activist Nelson Mandela, her husband of 38 years, even though she fought on the frontlines to end apartheid during the 27 years he was imprisoned.

While Winnie’s story has been capably told by other filmmakers and documentarians and through countless books and articles, Lamche manages to create a fresh, thorough, and likely definitive study by using revealing new interviews, as well as a veritable treasure trove of newly uncovered archival materials.

“I interviewed Nelson twice for previous films, and each time it was a great honor to meet him and speak to him and spend time with him, but I was always very intrigued by Winnie,” Lamche told the audience at the post-screening Q&A. The director noted that, while Winnie is mostly venerated in her home of Soweto, South Africa, Lamche learned that her subject was also widely demonized in many European capitals for her crusade against racism, and a smear campaign was launched against her. “That seemed like a space to explore,” the director offered.

Through a meeting and conversation with Mandela’s daughter Zindzi, who also speaks on camera in the doc, Lamche was eventually introduced to Winnie. She ended up interviewing her subject four times over a period of two years, including once just after the death of her former husband, when she was still dressed in her black mourning clothes.

“On each occasion, I tried to pull back another layer of the story,” Lamche shared. “Each time I met her I uncovered more in the story because I’d been digging away and making progress with the people who’d been her enemies. I never went to her with specifics and said I interviewed this guy who waged this warfare campaign against you. As our relationship progressed over time, it deepened. I hope that’s apparent in the film.” As her film skillfully explores the intersection of women, politics, and misogyny, it’s not a challenge for audiences to draw a strong parallel between Mandela’s story and the current political climate in the U.S.

PERSON TO PERSON: A SUBTLE, OPTIMISTIC COLLAGE OF EVERYDAY NEW YORKERS

“I made [this movie] with a lot of friends. And it’s about tenderness, it’s about friendship, it’s about wanting to have a friend, and what it’s like to be a friend, and what it’s like to lose a friend,” explained director Dustin Guy Defa as he introduced his latest project, Person to Person. Defa makes his return to the Festival after his 2014 short film of the same name.

The feature, shot in retro 16mm, follows various characters throughout one day in New York City, including a moody teenager putting up with her best friend’s antics, an endearingly simple man trying to buy a rare vinyl record (Bene Coopersmith, who also starred in the short film version of the story), a depressed guy attempting to reconcile with his girlfriend after hurting her, and an anxiety-ridden rookie reporter who feels completely out of place her first day on the job. But unlike other films that depict a large ensemble of characters with different story lines, this one doesn’t aim to connect them in any obvious way other than the fact that they’re in the same city.

Defa said that when he first thought of the idea for this project, “I got very excited … to make such a variety of people and to not necessarily connect them. So I got very excited [about how to] pull it off. I developed all the characters separately. … But once I started actually working on the outline and the writing, I was interconnecting it in other ways that aren’t visible. … Even though they all had such different things and different tones and things like that, I was still connecting them thematically in many ways. And so I needed the flow to really work even though all these people had such different things going on.”

When asked which characters he relates to the most, Defa revealed, “They’re all me in many ways. I’ve done stupid things in my life, I’ve treated people weirdly, and then friendship is very important to me [like it is with Bene]. And Wendy the teenager is definitely me as a teenager in many ways. … But I don’t have a favorite.”

The characters don’t necessarily go through anything captivatingly dramatic, but Defa’s purpose wasn’t to have audiences on the edge of their seats. He explained that, amid many abrasive, visceral depictions that often appear on the screen, he simply wanted to create “a nice place to go for an hour and a half” — to which the audience applauded in agreement.

  SIDNEY HALL: A PRECOCIOUS WRITING TALENT DRIFTS INTO OBSCURITY

Sidney Hall, which premiered on Wednesday night at the Eccles Theatre, spans 12 years in the life of the eponymous character, from the moment that the precocious high school kid becomes a celebrated author to his apex of fame and emotional nadir, and to his time disowning all that he’d become and drifting into obscurity. Remarkably, those 12 years mirror the 12 years it took writer-director Shawn Christensen and writer Jason Dolan to see the project to completion.

“Shawn was in a great band called stellastarr*, and when he was on tour I sent him the first couple of pages of the script, and we went from there. It was the summer of 2004,” Dolan said during the post-screening Q&A. “We wanted to tell a story about perspective — what it’s like to think about how you were at 18, 24, and 30. We chose those ages because those were the ages we were at when we were writing the script.”

The breadth of time covered presented challenges for both the crew and the performers, including Logan Lerman as Sidney and Elle Fanning as his neighbor and later wife, Melody. “The transitions between ages — sometimes we had only hours in which to do it,” Lerman recalled.

“We shot 10 days of [age] 18 first, then we shot the [age] 24 segment, and then we shot the 30, with the intention of having a weekend in between each era,” Christensen said. “But actually for Elle and for Logan I had to break the news to them that we were going to have to switch from 18 to 24 over the lunch break.”

Though it seems like such a quick shift in age would be challenging, Fanning explained, “You can’t really think about playing older or playing a certain age, because what does that really mean?” She continued, “I was more interested in where Melody was in her life.”

The script doesn’t take a straightforward chronological approach to those eras, and instead interweaves them throughout, such that it’s only at the end that you know how the characters resolved each of those dramatic moments. Dolan explained that he hoped audiences would connect to that structure because “your life is sometimes a mess in your own mind.” He said, “What we wanted was to give people a puzzle to put together, to reflect on this character and also themselves.”

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