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yrbutchgf · 3 years ago

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hey, i'm feeling a bit insecure in my identity rn and i was wondering if you have any... tips, or anything like that. i'm a lesbian who feels more comfortable in a masc role, and i think i would identify as butch... but i feel like i'm too emotional. i cry SO often. my mental health has been less than stellar for the last 10 years or so lol, so that plays a part, but i'm also just a crier. things that make me cry: criticism, heated discussions, presentations, movie/game/book endings, all music with violins, some music without violins, christmas commercials, those miniature food clay charms... literally everything. and it's always in public too, which is embarrassing enough as it is. and i know that doesn't have to mean anything for my gender identity, but the whole "boys/men don't cry" thing kind of did a number on me lol. i always feel like a little girl when others watch me cry, even though i want to be the protector. sorry for rambling, but i feel like you always have good takes on butchness and stuff like that, so i was wondering if you have any tips on feeling more secure in my butch/masc side :)

ok before i say anything else, thank you, i’m honestly really flattered you think that highly of my takes lol <3 i do try my best, i’m glad i’m able to help people to whatever extent i do with my posts. also, bit of a length warning -- i always set out with the intention of writing succinct responses to asks, but it always gets away from me, and this time "getting away from me" meant "turning into a manifesto." well, oops. c'est la butch/femme.

now to start this answer off: i definitely relate. i’m also pretty emotional. when i get stressed i get really shaky, especially in my hands, and then after that my body turns on the waterworks. i also have a fairly exuberant personality in general, and i'm very expressive with my hands & body language. the only times i’ve ever really fit the stoic archetype have been on accident, usually when i’ve felt uncomfortable in a social situation and it’s come off as strong silence. at the same time, i also don’t like when people see me cry or be emotional in general, especially in public. it makes me feel vulnerable in a way that i don’t like to give most people, and the fact that i can’t fully control when or if i do is uncomfortable. and i think disliking that feeling is totally normal, or at the very least it’s a common boundary to have. regardless of sexuality, gender, or presentation, there’s a social urge to cover up when we’re feeling our feelings, but even beyond that there is, i think, a reflexive, self-preservation level urge to cover up what can be easily damaged. so to an extent, i think it’s natural to shy away from vulnerability.

at the same time, the urge to push down one’s tears is not necessarily a HEALTHY urge, only a COMMON one, because you’re right: emotionality has no bearing on your gender or what roles you can take up. some of my best butch and masc friends are also extremely emotional people, and they’re very open about it, and in a lot of ways that openness almost feels to me more masculine or more butch, because they’re embracing their feelings, and that’s obviously a really hard thing to learn to do, so it’s powerful, admirable, and also to be honest, it’s attractive! the ability of someone to be brave enough to be vulnerable can in many situations make the people around them feel more at ease, and i think it can become a very steady, very stabilizing sort of masculinity. in other words, someone who is very comfortable in their tears is also very good and healing to be around. so i think in a lot of ways, when you learn to own your emotions rather than push them away, that can very easily augment your butchness rather than take away from it.

now obviously everyone views butch/femme differently, whether as genders/sexuality labels/dynamics/what have you, but for me no matter what at the center of these terms there is always this nexus, this core focus, of care. in the dynamic, butch/femme is about butches & femmes caring for one another in complementary ways both in- and out-side of romantic relationships. so when we talk about butchness standalone, you and many other people reach for words like “protector,” and i don’t think there’s anything necessarily wrong with that, i think protection can and often is a key role, but my point here is, where is that urge to protect coming from? it’s from love, from caring about the people you love. and i think it’s important to remember that and to frame it that way, because when you do, it becomes pretty simple: your emotionalism is more than anything a sign of that urge to care/protect/provide in you, or a driving force to those urges, however you want to frame it. far from taking away from your butchness, your emotions are at the very foundation of what it can be. i talked about this in the butch/femme server a bit, and thren @lesbiandaemon said it perfectly:

i genuinely think i (and many others!) would feel so much safety and security being w someone who allows themself to be vulnerable and earnest abt their emotions and it definitely augments butchness, from my perspective as a femme. i envy and care deeply for the butch whose emotions and vulnerability are on display, there's a strength in that imo, even if you've been made to feel self conscious and dysphoric and "less than" bc of that. i think of phrases like "the strength to remain tender", "the violence it took to be this gentle" in the lens of trauma but if that applies and you're ok w it, i think it could also apply here too [...]

whether ppl know it or not, sometimes the way one carries themselves can be projected onto others; there's already an example in how anon mentions the "big boys/men don't cry" thing, vulnerability being shut out and dismissed/disparaged isn't going to make anyone more eager/open abt their emotions. and like, going back to the butch/femme dynamic, it does feel so much more stable and steady if someone has the courage to acknowledge and let themselves feel their emotions, it's very welcoming and validating, knowing that someone can have a strong image and show their tenderness, knowing that you're safe and free from mockery/scorn to do the same when someone protective of you knows how it feels and will care for you because they feel touched to their core and have let you know in more than one way.

and i want to add an important caveat here: obviously not everyone who cares very deeply is going to be outwardly emotional or show it in the same ways. that’s true for all kinds of reasons. i think a lot of the stoicism we see in traditional depictions of butches can come from how people relate emotions to masculinity (that is to say, how people view masculinity as inherently based around a distance from one’s “softer” side), but also, honestly, i think this may also have roots in the historical coping mechanisms that a lot of butches took on in the face of a world that was unkind to them.

in stone butch blues, for example, there’s a lot of talk about this idea of “hard” versus “soft,” or “going stone,” especially when jess is first getting into the bar scene and she’s still fresh-faced to violence. and going stone in this context isn’t just about sexuality, it's also about how so many butches learned to stop letting people in even at a basic emotional level. for them, hardening up was an inevitability of circumstance, not an inherent facet of their personality or a building block of butch identity. i’m sure plenty of old-school butches would be glad to know it’s no longer inevitable or necessary for a butch to close themselves off completely in order to survive.

of course there are also plenty of butches who are just naturally reserved with their emotions, and that’s also fine -- that doesn’t mean they don’t feel things, or that they don’t care. they care -- all of us do! some of us showing it more or less than others doesn’t reflect badly on any of us, whether we’re of a more stoic or a more open variety. but some of us really can’t help showing it, and that’s okay. that’s just how the love spills out. the right person won’t see that as weakness or a crack in the fine china of your masculinity or whatever, they’ll see it as a lovely and endearing part of your whole and warming butchness. so embrace your emotions. do your best to honor the role they play in butch/femmeness. try to love your emotions, or at the very least not to be afraid of them. and remember: you are strong. your tenderness will not destroy you. in fact, it’s what built you to begin with.

#asks #anonymous #butch/femme #butch tag #butch #femme #lesbiandaemon #sorry if you were looking for a more down-to-earth sort of list of tips but i have a lot of feelings about feelings LOL #also thank you again thren for letting me quote you! having a femme's perspective in there i think really enriches this and also you just.#put it so well ik i said this yesterday but it really was beautifully put

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normal-thoughts-official · 5 years ago

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I'm ignoring my responsibilities in favor of watching the All Malec Moments video compilation so get ready for a livewatch no one asked for

Hodge is so incredibly wrong about everything he says about Magnus and it's kind of impressive because all he says is heavily supported by the Clave's files, which. Is proof of how great Magnus is at manipulating them and having them think exactly what he wants them to, tbh. Especially considering that as much as Magnus closes off emotionally, he was always very caring and kind to all other downworlders and warlocks, like, they all know they can trust him, he was named HWoB, he has a thousand kids, he took them all into hiding, etc. But the Clave and circle members are still 100% sure he's a super greedy lothario who's good for nothing but partying, and like. Obviously it's because they racist but they have an intelligence system and a file full of pictures and information and it all seems to support what Hodge is saying about him. So like Magnus was quite literally living a double life, with a whole personality he put up for shadowhunters and enemies, and another for his allies and friends, and even that one isnt 100% him because he was still trying to protect himself by closing himself off from relationships. and thats fucking impressive like my man is so smart i love him

Their first official talk is so funny magnus literally goes "I'm magnus" and Alec goes "Alec" and then he smiles and then he just goes. "Oh yeah right we should uh we should go to the hmm youhavebeautifuleyes what's it called hm" and its hilarious because they exchanged three (3) words and Alec is already all lost because Magnus is just That Beautiful. also all Magnus has to do is introduce himself and Alec smiles for the first time in 4 episodes like bro. bro. seriously. help him

he's SO frustrated when Alec doesn't get the "i love a dirty lair" flirt like he does that little eyebrow raise and hes just like "what the hell i thought that was GOOD" but Alec's head is legit playing wii music

Magnus pays izzy for "defending the warlocks" i had forgotten about that and it makes me so soft ;-;

Magnus and Izzy were just vibing with magnus asking her what presents Alec likes and clary immediately interrupts to ask about the memory demon like homophobic from day one i guess

Magnus is positively impressed by the way Clary goes "I'll do anything to save my mother" you can see how much he values loyalty right then have i mentioned that i love him

we talk about the "I'm talking to you" part a lot but we never mention how Magnus just throws that one and yeets off with clary not even waiting for a reaction he's just like that's RIGHT bitch you have beautiful hazel eyes too! do with that what you will i am now summoning a demon goodbye forever

the second him and Clary are away from the rest he tells her not to trust anyone and to be careful, like... ugh he cares so much it's unreal and again very deliberate, flirt a little, give izzy a necklace, throw in some innuendos, make it seem like it's all very innocuous so no one bothers to follow them or listen in when he goes away with Clary alone, and then immediately warn her about the clave when he gets away from the others. like he cares so much and he's so good at keeping that visible only for those he wants to it's astounding, my man is so talented and i hate that he had to learn to do that to survive but god i admire him and how committed he is to helping others too. like he could say "welp who cares it's dangerous imma go fuck off" like ragnor did but not only did he stay but he had a huge vulnerability with all his generosity and he never gave that up not for a second, even as he closed himself off from having any close friends or family or lovers, he never was anything if not generous and kind

the way he deliberately calls Jace shadowhunter in the most uninterested and even lowkey condescending way after the "pretty boy" incident idndjdndi we stan a king

the way Alec and magnus hold hands to summon the demon and even Magnus seems a bit shocked at the intensity of the sound and the bond that they make like. obviously they have their little staring contest and Alec is doing the Lightwood Intensity™ thing but like you can see Magnus frown just slightly and be a little confused because it was so strong right off the bat. even the sound of when they hold hands is louder than when the others do, like you can just feel their connection and the way magnus' magic flows so freely through Alec like god the soulmate energy tbh

Alec has a full body jerk when they hold hands too and he's the only one like damn we get it u 2 r vibin get a room

Izzy going "you ppl are pathetic" straight to the hets is so funny especially after Alec reacted to holding magnus' hand like he had gotten a 1000W electric shock or something. but i get the feel maybe she did that deliberately so they wouldnt pay as much attention to Alec's reaction too

the special effects were truly so bad like we all knew this but damn

Jace is such an asshole like Alec made it to kill the demon because it was you know about to seriously hurt them all and Magnus had just said that he couldn't contain the demon for longer (and like we know that Alec is the only one who ever cared if Magnus overexerted himself out of the shadowhunters but like bro this affects you) and Jace just???? shoved him??????? against the wall???? like a fucking piece of shit??? they should have let valak kill him tbh

the first time magnus calls him Alexander is when he calls Alec to see if he wants a drink and it's just like very clearly a thing that's supposed to be between them two? like he never did it when there were others nearby and i dig that

the fact that when asking Alec out he said "it was nice getting to know you, you seem sympathetic" like he could have gone with a lot of better more flirty adjectives but for a second the truth slipped out and he said what he thought - that while Alec was objectively you know tall and strong and all what really attracted him was the way Alec clearly gave a fuck whether or not Magnus was struggling with his magic to keep the damn demon at bay. and that was before the magic sharing shit too when Alec proved him right by cleaning up his things and saying that he had exerted himself enough for one day. like so many ppl see Magnus as the All Powerful Son Of Asmodeus Who's Also There To Service Shadowhunters and Alec just shows the faintest signs of caring about his wellbeing and he's immediately drawn to him like damn Im sad

also maybe this might be why he asked Alec to come so he could draw from his strength specifically, like he knew from the little hand holding thing that Alec was open and receptive to his magic (which probably adds to the "sympathetic" stuff like the fact that Alec had such an intense reaction to his magic and yet didnt try to push it back or draw away from it basically shows that he's open to Magnus if that makes sense? not only because magic is a part of warlocks but also because shadowhunters are all taught that magic is like, dirty and evil, so it would be instinctive for Alec to be resistant to demonic magic in his body, but he wasn't, he accepted it so readily and intensely it was a shock to the both of them) and also that he cared enough to support him. he kinda had Magnus' back from the beginning, first killing that circle member in the club before Magnus even saw him, then helping Magnus kill the other, then immediately making it to kill the demon when Magnus said he couldn't hold him back for long. like im aware I'm reading too much into this but s1 malec was very kept to the between-the-lines and its very interesting to me to think what Magnus was thinking, even if obviously on a subconscious level. Alec was showing himself to be open, reliable and caring, and magnus values that, and hes attracted to him and he hasnt had that in a while, because he wouldnt allow himself, but now he's healing and the pull he feels when he finally gets that while being emotionally available enough to accept these little gestures of caring is really strong. love that for him tbh

i go FERAL over everything about the magic sharing shit okay i always have. the way alec shows up and Magnus is kind of falling over, exhausted from trying to hold onto luke, and Alec immediately runs to support his weight and make sure hes okay? and magnus even as he was about to fall over never had his magic falter, my man couldn't keep his balance but still wouldnt come close to stumbling and risking luke's life further for even a second. so when Alec gets there he's just quite literally having his back, supporting his weight, when even Magnus didnt care about that (which like. unhealthy) and was focused on luke? and like Magnus can focus on luke because Alec is there to give him his support and make sure he's fine and how long's it been since he last had someone to do that?? and it's clearly alec's first instinct and like we know Jace or even Clary wouldnt fucking react like that. and then they have this ridiculous fucking staring contest again like we get it alec you're gay panicking at Magnus' beautiful eyes but like pls? and then we get to the most important part which is TAKE WHAT YOU NEED

like JDNDJSNSKDNDJDBSHSBSUSNSISNSIBSZJBZUZBSJSBSISNSSINSIS *SCREAMS INTO OBLIVION, SENDING SELF OUT OF EARTH'S GRAVITY ZONE*

his reaction is just SO intense and immediate he's just like "take what you need" he just offers himself fully to help Magnus just like that, no hesitation, and like Magnus is literally drawing from Alec's strength/life force, there should be some kind of resistance, even from a regular person or a friend, like its a very natural instinct. but Alec just grabs his hand and goes take what you need and he doesn't resist he just lets him do it and lets Magnus take his strength, because he genuinely worries about his wellbeing and safety just because he does, he believes in protecting others and being there for them, same as Magnus, and to Alec it's the most natural thing in the world but to Magnus it's shocking because he's always been self reliant, he has to be, he's been alone too many times and he's been used too many times and he's scared of what he'll let people take from him if he opens himself up because he always gives and gives, and he hasnt even let anyone be there for him to have his back and give him support when he needed in these last few centuries, not fully, not since Camille. but Alec shows up and just immediately cares for him in both small (like later when he refuses to let Magnus clean his couch magically because he knows he's tired and does it himself) and huge (like literally not hesitating before letting Magnus use a super intimate and presumably draining spell on him without putting any kind of limit, so Magnus can not overexert himself like he always does) ways and it means so much to him? and hes just so drawn and attracted to him and suddenly he realizes he's catching feelings that he had forgotten how to, because of course he had been healing and opening up, but he still kept people at some kind of length that didnt allow them to take care of him even if they wanted to, but Alec got that opening and he dived right in, and Magnus realizes how starved he's been for this kind of care and support that he's been denying himself and he decides to chase this, take it seriously, and i just aaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

and like again Alec doesn't even think twice about it, because he's always been the protector and the support anyway, and he doesn't want to let anyone struggle and also most of that is just him being a Decent Human Being, but just like he got that opening that no one else did before, he met Magnus at the right time and he was sympathetic and caring and that sparked so much in Magnus, made him realize just how much he's been craving affection and care and close contact with people, and being vulnerable emotionally, and all of that that he's been denying himself. obviously magnus is romantically attracted to him but right then Alec is unlocking honesty with himself inside of magnus, he's unlocking vulnerability and not using it against him but really making a good thing out of it, and magnus' forgotten it could feel like this, safe and nice instead of hurting and scary. and again it's such a simple gesture but fuck my boy's been starved!! for so long!!! okay! and he can't help but want to desperately clutch to that feeling because against all odds he trusts alec to see his vulnerability right then (and he deliberately lets him see it further when he gives Alec that drink, tells him he's been closed off, that alec's unlocked something in him. you can see all the sadness and hope and vulnerability in his eyes right then, pretty much for the first time in the show, hes just so open and vulnerable and that's deliberate! first time was a fluke but second time he's choosing to because he wants to see where this goes, and if the magic sharing scene is the spark, the drinking scene is the fire, because they're not in a life or death situation anymore, Magnus is choosing to give Alec a chance by showing him a glimpse of his insecurities and Alec answers in kind, letting Magnus see his own confusion and want, and also again shows his caring and doesn't betray or use magnus' vulnerability and fuck!!! Magnus falls in love right then because this boy stays with him all night and talks, and he sees Magnus look at him with shiny eyes and admit that he's been scared of relationships, and he tells magnus not to overexert himself, and they click and Alec is open to his magic and hes funny and hes compassionate and also passionate about what he believes in, and they have so much in common with the way they hide and care so deeply and protect others always and are so loyal and i just. udndjdndidjdjxnxjxnskxndk SOULMATES god)

I need to lie down actually this was a bad idea I'm not strong enough I'm too feral

Might continue this later who knows. I'll be tagging malec livewatch and also long post as always if you want to filter this nonsense out

#fuck im an emotional bitch this was supposed to be funny and lighthearted!!!#incoherent shit #sh #shadowhunters #magnus bane #alec lightwood #malec #meta #malec meta #aaaaaaa #overflowing trashcan #long post #malec livewatch #anti jace herondale

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datleggy · 5 years ago

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I realize we are in the middle of a pandemic and possibly the worst thing to ever happen collectively to humanity, and that you're probably feeling as emotionally drained as I am... But I've reread your Buck Volunteer AU like 16 times in the past 3 months. It makes me happy. I realize writing might not make you happy right now, or give you energy or be on your mind. But reading is keeping me sane. So thank you for that little universe. I'll be here when you feel up to adding to it. ♡♡

these last few months have been pretty awful at every turn and have kinda made it almost impossible to write the way i’m used to (writing is like my lil escape from reality most of the time tbh) and this message made me really happy, i really appreciate this, so thanku. <3

and also, here are two lil random additions i’ve been v sporadically working on for the volunteer buck au?

and ima go ahead and tag the ppl i promised to tag(i hope i got everyone!)? i hope ya’ll don’t mind they’re unfinished snippets?

tag list: @ironbuckley @chrrlees @disgruntled-pelicant @nighting-gale17 @daughter-of-infinity @romeoandjulietyouwish @badbitchjackson @chitownwolf @lamalefix @moira3000 @heather-likes2review @demonwithasideoffries @pan-buck @fyeahhipsterdoctor @daylightisviolent @themoonyloveenvy @randomlyordinarlyed @jillibob44

SNIPPET 1.

Buck sneezes into his elbow, groaning miserably as he throws another load of laundry into the washing machine. He's been grappling with a cold for the past couple of days, and though as someone who works almost none stop, Buck should be relieved to finally have a few sick days off from work, the reality of it is, he's going a little stir crazy at home all by himself.

His studio apartment's never been as thoroughly clean as it is now, though, so Buck isn't too mad about the undesignated time off.

One minute Buck is putting his last quarter into the machine and the next he's lying sideways on the floor and there's a ringing in his ears and smoke filling up the laundromat, people screaming and scattering and dazed. Buck sits up carefully, confused until he sees the giant truck that smashed straight in through the giant glass windows.

He manages to stand up, ignoring the way the room starts to spin, and takes assessment of the situation, something he's learned to do while volunteering for the 118. It's a Wednesday afternoon so thankfully there weren't too many people inside doing laundry today, but those who were are all down, though some more out of shock than actual physical injury.

"Call 9-1-1!" Buck tells the laundromat employee, who's standing behind the counter, unharmed but horrified at the sudden destruction, and she nods hastily, getting out her cell. There aren't too many badly injured people, and those that are able, are helping those who aren't, so Buck limps over to the vehicle to check on the driver. He's a male in his thirties most likely, and by the empty beer cans on the bed of the truck it's obvious the driver's intoxicated.

He's passed out at the wheel, blood smearing his face from a laceration at the top of his forehead, but his pulse is strong and steady and nothing appears to be broken, upon Buck's initial examination.

There's a wailing to his left so, having confirmed the man will live to see his day in trial, Buck rushes to help. There's a woman on her knees, sobbing, with a little boy in her arms--he can't be older than Christopher. "Ma'am," Buck gets down next to her so that they're at eye level.

The woman clings to her child, shaking her head adamantly.

"I'm a doctor, I just want to check to see if your son's ok. Please." Buck exhales, relieved, when his words reassure the mother and she hesitantly lets go. He's breathing, but it's labored and from the sounds of it and all the fresh bruising on the boys' sternum, most likely he's got a collapsed lung. Buck looks to the employee who's still on the phone with 9-1-1 and asks for an ETA on an ambulance.

"The operator says two minutes!"

Buck curses faintly. He doesn't know if the kid has that long. As if to prove his theory, the boy stops breathing altogether, his skin turning a terrifying hue of blue. His mother's screaming now, completely inconsolable and a hushed crowd is starting to form outside of the laundromat.

The paramedics hop out of their rig but until firefighters get to the scene there's just no way they can get in without risking injury to themselves, since the car is blocking their way and has started to smoke fumes.

"Everybody please remain calm. The fire department's only five minutes out." they assure everyone. Weber and Jones; Buck knows them from working at the hospital and waves to get their attention. "Doc?!" Weber exclaims, when she spots him among the injured.

"This kid's got a tension pneumothorax, he's not gonna last five minutes without medical intervention. I need one of you to pass me a 16 gauge bore needle through the opening there so I can do a decompression!"

"You got it!"

The boys mother is close to hyperventilating at this point.

------------------------------------------

SNIPPET 2.

It's been a tough week--though that might be an understatement--and a part of Buck wants to stay wrapped up in a pile of one too many quilts and blankets, in the dark, watching bad romcoms and never leave his apartment ever again. But he's been so busy at work Buck hasn't had a single moment to text anyone from the 118, and he thinks maybe being around them might make him feel a little less like the world has come to an abrupt halt. He also hasn’t eaten anything besides instant ramen in over a week, and that can’t be good.

They’re in the middle of a card game when Buck shows up and Eddie begs him to join in. "It's way too easy taking Chim's money." he sighs. "I need a challenge."

Chimney gawks at him. "Big words from the man who was literally whining like a baby not five minutes ago. He was all, 'Oh I hope Buck comes in today. Buck didn't answer any of my texts this week. Do you think he's ok? Should I call him? Would that be too much?'" he pokes fun, only stopping when Hen flicks the back of his ear.

“Play nice.” she says. She sits down in the chair next to Buck and nudges his shoulder playfully. “Eddie wasn’t the only one worried, by the way. You suck at texting but I usually get at least a ‘K’ back--long week?”

Buck leans forward in his seat, elbows perched up on the table. “Yeah. Something like that.”

Bobby, who’s in the kitchen making breakfast for everyone, overhears the ongoing conversation and tilts his head in concern. The kid sounds wrecked.

“Sometimes it helps to talk about it.” Hen prods gently.

Buck chews on his bottom lip, nervous. He didn’t come here to unload his problems on his friends.

“You can talk to us.” Eddie says, reaching across the table to give his hand a quick squeeze. “You listen to my problems all the time--hell, I called you last week on your lunch break to yell about some asshole who cut me off in traffic.”

That manages to get a small smile out of Buck. “Ok, ok, I--” he takes a deep breath before starting. “I messed up.” he scrubs a hand over his face. Why hadn’t he seen it?

#911 FOX #ASK #<3 #thanku #:)#VOLUNTEER BUCK AU #buck buckley

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obeymematches · 4 years ago

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Hello, thanks for your hard work! I’m the same anon (match up) ^^ Here’s some information about my personality / likes : I’m cheerful, energetic, optimistic and easy going. Can be a bit clumsy or forgetful (especially when I’m focusing on something).I try to be as gentle and as open minded and understanding as possible. I’m also an emotional person (I rely on my feelings and I trust my gut) and I’m sensitive to those around me. I care a lot about their well-being and happiness [Part 1/resent]

sometimes push myself too far which isn’t good). I can be also impulsive at times (I like to “treat myself” too much, but I’m trying to be more responsible with my impulse buying tendencies) I’m hardworking and ambitious, and I’m a bit obsessed with the concept of accomplishments and overload myself and feel stressed and anxious, when that happens I need to vent out or nag to someone close to me and I feel better quickly when [Part 2/resent] I feel that the person heard me and understood what I’m going through. When I’m comfortable with someone and I can be myself, I can be funny (I like making lame puns too ). I don’t like being with passive aggressive or sarcastic people. I don’t like making guesses and assumptions about people’s actions. I dislike rude people and people who are mean, or violent. [part 3/resent] I'd like to be around someone who is kind and supportive, around who I can be myself, and be completely honest about my thoughts or feelings without being mocked and also give me the confidence to overcome my indecisiveness. I’m also very patient, thoughtful, supportive and I’m willing to give the other person my unconditional love and support. Hobbies : sewing, drawing, cycling. I love learning languages. I’m good at cooking too, I love going on long car rides with friends. [part4 resent]

hi dear anon!! merry christmas!! ❤️🎁

hmmm okay so what narrows down the circle is that you don’t like sarcastic, passive aggressive, mean and violent people. That leaves us Beelzebub, Mammon, Asmo and Diavolo. (originally i also had Simeon on my mind but he can and will be passive aggressive so eh) actually nvm mammon because you’d probs have to make assumptions as he is a major tsundere.

I think I figured it out!

It was a really hard decision between Beel and Diavolo but overall Diavolo is a better choice! (i feel like being around him could give you a better confidence boost than Beel could. also because being with Beel means interacting with Belphie often and the latter has everything that you said you dislike so that wouldn’t always be smooth even if Belphie can act well.)

Your cheerful, energetic, optimistic and easy-going nature pretty much matches his - as you can relate to the other i’m pretty sure you’d have a friendship going on quickly! which can be the solid base of a romantic relationship so you got that going for you

oh he would find you getting clumsy / forgetful when you focus on something the most adorable thing a human could ever do and like. probably laugh at it sometimes but in an adoring way and mostly to himself so you probably wouldn’t even notice, you know. like this just makes you who you are and it’s the cutest thing!!

Okay so the fact that you are gentle and open-minded is something anyone in their right mind would appreciate as those are quality traits. You’d probably need to be open-minded to date him as he is a prince and a demon at that. In addition he is not your regular scary-demon-king but he is a pacifist at heart and the kindest and most genuine soul in the game as of now.

Now in addition to all this he also of has his insecure tendencies and when he is going though it he will need the emotional support that he doesn’t get at all before he meets you. (I mean.. i cannot see him do that with Barbatos, we know nothing about his family besides his father being emotionally distant, so that leaves us Lucifer but i don’t think they’d be emo with the other more than once a century)

Okay so Dia appreciates hard-work and ambitions in a person as we can clearly tell if we look at his best men / friend(s) / ppl he surrounds himself with. I think once he finds love in you he would be very considerate about your well-being and he wouldn’t ever let you have enough on your plate to be over-worked. Or more like being with him would inherit you the skill of “being care-free” and “taking it easy”! that doesn’t mean you’d neglect your responsibilities obviously but it’s important that you never stress about work!! leave that to him!!

hmm okay so being impulvsive probably isn’t going to be his favourite thing about you but i’m sure he would help you out in case you needed help in overcoming those tendencies! he doesn��t see it as a red flag or as a turn-off though so no worries theres not going to be a conflict about this

since you listen to him and he can rely on you emotionally so much i’m sure he will do his best to be the best listener he could ever be! as i elaborated on this issue before - he is probably not going to be great at it the first time because of lack of experience but trust me he is a quick learner and once he realizes how good this is for the two of you he is going to be a changed man! as i said he is going to fall for you very quick and hard after one of you becomes emotionally open/vulnerable to the other

As I said being funny makes you relatable and it build a better foundation to the relationship. it’s nice that he is not just a lover but also a best friend to you!

the fact that both of you can be yourselves around the other is something worth considering. i mean he is so lonely :( he also has to put on a facade most of the time :( but he is the kindest person ever :( pls :(

some of your hobbies are adventurous while some are chill which means you’d probably be up to any date ideas he might come up with! i mean he wants to try so many things with you, go on every date possible, so it’s nice that you are flexible regarding what you enjoy doing! he is going to indulge in your hobbies as best as he can but his schedule is limited

#obey me #obey me swd #obey me diavolo #om! diavolo #obey me matchup #obey me shall we date

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i-growl-growl-growl · 4 years ago

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(Haikyuu matchups r open right? Sorry if not!!) I’m a Taurus ♉️,she/her pronouns,i have an attitude/demeanor that’s both Sweet and Sour,meaning I either come off as rude blunt or extremely sweet n helpful. I rEFUSE to lose at anything especially if it’s arguments,I like to analyze things like a lot and often write about what I’ve noticed,the only time I don’t write what I’ve observed from people is if it’s something they’ve said when venting to me. (1/2!)

I’m a needy person but at the same time i get so emotionally exhausted from the ppl around me no matter how much I LIKE to be around them which makes me quite distant,I’m an introvert and most of my hobbies are things I do inside or alone because I don’t like relying on others,it’s the only way I’ve really learned to hang out w myself instead of just seeking attention from others which really helps when I need to “emotionally recharge”. (2/2!)

(unfinished-admin left)

thank you very much for following the format! I really appreciate it :) <3

the yandere i think would be most drawn to you is kuroo tetsurou!

kuroo, as you know, is very close with kenma and would probably be used to your feelings when you have feel socially drained. but let’s be real, we know he would take full advantage of this. he will tend to all your needs however, he will ensure to limit you from any outside affection until eventually, he is the only one you can turn to.

he finds this trait about you very convenient for you until you start doing activities on your own because you’re tired of being next to him 24/7. this is when kuroo gets pissed off and will exhaust you emotionally.

tetsurou is not stupid and there is really no way to weasel out from him because he can see through people like glass. this especially includes you and he will adjust punishments accordingly if you act out.

these will vary from locking you up in a dark room for a week with zero social interaction (of course he needs to keep you alive, but it’s the bare minimum such as bathroom breaks where he’s watching you like a cat and shoving food down your throat) to handcuffing you to him.

i nearly forgot to write about his chase to make you his! kuroo genuinely enjoys your competitiveness but thinks of you as a brat because of your sweet and sour attitude. he’s not afraid to approach you though because after so many practices with hormonal, horny, and absolutely disgusting teenage boys with him as the captain, kuroo is set on his goal to make you submit to him (not necessarily in that way, if you know what i mean).

#yandere haikyuu #yandere haikyuu matchups #yandere kuroo #yandere kuroo tetsurou #yandere kuroo matchup

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encchantress · 5 years ago

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wait hi! can you give us confused nonnies a rundown? i can’t believe copying is still happening in rp. i learned my lesson from that when i was 10 😭 i’m sorry about what’s happening! get justice friend!

sooooo here’s a full rundown my friends:

in 2016 i (along with my friend LJ) started meddling kids which was a next-gen scooby doo rp found family uwu lots of drama fun time. LJ and i spent a LOT of time on characters, overall plot, the main, etc. ya know, as anyone who was dedicated to an rp would. we created 8 skeletons that we thought would allow for a lot of creativity from players and would provide an interesting mix of archetypes in a group and we were SO HAPPY with the characters people came up with. of course, we had to go through a few member changes but the group we ended up with we were really really happy with and shiix was a part of that.

i didn’t know shiix prior to mk (i wasn’t a part of any of the “popular” glee rps like status quo) but i knew who she was and knew her rep in the rpc so obviously it was a no-brainer letting her into the group. she was a good writer, she contributed actively to plots and was all around really great to rp with for the first few months.

THEN as we became closer as a group she started opening up about her marital troubles (which is her biz not y’alls so i will not be sharing details) and it started DOMINATING the conversations of the group. and while we were friends and wanted to support her, it started taking its toll on those directly involved. shiix latched on to LJ as they were shipping together and they became close friends over the course of the rp. THAT’S when shit started to get weird.

shiix and LJ started becoming very closed off when it came to plots involving their characters. the group still functioned as a whole, but it was very clear that whatever shiix and LJ’s characters were doing they were doing together and other characters and muns were not welcome for input. now, people like shipping together, it’s a thing i prefer shipping with certain players too bc i know whatever we do we’ll be able to make our characters have the required chemistry. the only reason this started to bother me was bc prior to this, LJ and i had been rping together for years and enjoyed shipping and plotting although we were never shut off to shipping with other people. it was a COMPLETE personality change for LJ.

i knew LJ and shiix were close so i started prying for info just about how LJ was doing and she started telling me shiix was constantly talking about her troubles and started becoming a little flirty with her out of character. probably nothing malicious, but LJ had just come out of a toxic (my opinion, not hers although her fiancee was trash lmao) engagement and was susceptible to emotional manipulation bc she’s got a large heart (we regularly played good cop bad cop bc i’m a bitch lmao). then, apparently jill started either reading shiix’s messages to LJ or just generally becoming suspicious of how much shiix loved to rp with LJ and talked to her 24/7. JILL started messaging LJ from shiix’s skype essentially telling her she knew what was happening and LJ was ruining her marriage to shiix. LJ spent NIGHTS and DAYS emotionally wrecked over this and all the while shiix was carrying on like she was a victim and would constantly tell us how SHE was being manipulated.

in october 2016 (and i remember bc this happened the night before i had a final) things came to a head. jill exploded on both shiix (getting this from secondhand knowledge) and LJ (saw the messages from shiix/jill so i know for a FACT) and from what i remember reading on jill’s blog on tumblr from that night was going to harm herself and blamed it on LJ and shiix. keep in mind, LJ was not romantically interested in shiix like that. she was just shiix’s friend. so LJ messages ME upset and says she’s going to take her own life bc of what jill and shiix were saying to her. LJ has always struggled with mental health issues. shiix knew this. i stay up ALL NIGHT consoling LJ and talking her off the ledge. after that, LJ disappears for a while for her own mental health as she should.

now, this is where i fucked up as an admin. i should’ve kicked shiix out right then and there. literally one of my biggest regrets is not cutting her off immediately. i was so concerned with making it worse for LJ and LJ didn’t want to kick shiix out bc she didn’t want to make it worse on SHIIX of all people. so LJ takes her break and in the meantime, shiix takes it upon herself to godmod all of LJ’s characters and essentially cut them off from the rest of us by IC replies (classic abuser behavior even if it’s through a screen). during this time i told shiix straight up i don’t fuck with her. she BEEN knew i don’t fuck with her. and i’m confrontational af so like there was no room for interpretation on that one. eventually LJ did come back, but only for a little while as MK was dying and her therapist recommended not getting on ANY of her social media or the internet.

i lost LJ completely for about 6 months. she was my best friend and shiix fucked her up so bad she couldn’t even let me know she wasn’t allowed on the internet bc of how FUCKED shiix warped her perception of a hobby she once really really loved. now, she’s still off all social media and i only get to talk to her through snapchat occasionally. i try to stay out of her business bc i’m afraid i only serve as a reminder of what happened at mk and with shiix.

we had a DEDICATED group at mk. we did not close bc of lack of interest. we did not close bc of lack of muse. we closed bc shiix’s toxicity spread like a wildfire through the group. and NOW she’s back with an rp apparently “just for friends” with the same wording, same skeletons, same concept. she can keep her character she made, she can do whatever she wants with kenzi. she can even just make a next gen scooby doo rp, but she’s copying what LJ and i came up with almost verbatim and then having the NERVE to say that her and her friends came up with the concepts themselves. like i said, i’m confrontational. i messaged her 3 times before she even got back to me and when she did she told me it was none of my business. i’m not worried about you poaching ppl from mk, luv. i’m pissed off bc you ruined MY rp, the rp i loved THE MOST and now you have the absolute nerve to COPY it???????????

do whatever you want with your friends, but remember YOU were the downfall of mk classic and you’ll be the downfall of @coolsvillerp too.

TLDR; shiix’s toxicity ruined mk, caused my best friend to attempt suicide, and took over our lives with her own personal bullshit and then has the absolute AUDACITY to completely copy MK including wording from skeletons, the main, and full plots. just be careful who u give ur loyalty to y’all

#glee rp #Anonymous #glee rpc #answered #answered:mk #answered:anon #new rp

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fictional-worlds-are-exquisite · 6 years ago

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How did you know you identified as ace? I’m just curious because I’ve always had trouble understanding ace and demi. Like I lowkey think I identify as demisexual and biromantic but because I didn’t really get? It? So I didn’t want to say the label out loud. So when ppl ask I usually say bisexual just because it’s easier. Could you explain it? Sorry for being so long, I’m just a lost puppy at this point 😅

This is such a hard question and it doesn’t have an easy answer, for me, at least and sometimes I still wonder. The thing about asexuality is it’s just straight up a lack of sexual attraction-how do you know you’re missing it if you don’t know what it’s supposed to feel like? Being biromantic is like yeah crushes on girls and occasionally guys for me, I know that. But asexual? Am I not feeling sexual attraction? Am I and I’m just not aware that this thing is sexual attraction? What even is sexual attraction?

I’ve talked a bit with some allosexual friends but I’m still not entirely sure I get sexual attraction. A lot of stuff that apparently is real sexual attraction is something I always thought people meant as a joke (you know, I’d have sex with them or walking down the street and seeing a stranger like yeah I would-that doesn’t seem real to me, I always thought people were joking but? As far as I’ve learnt that’s genuinely how some people feel).

For me it was a trip, I’m afraid you’re going to have to get some background here-I’d been in a relationship that was emotionally abusive in it’s own right-I didn't learn that until years later though when we did a workshop at school on what counts as emotional abuse. I wasn’t doing great. I also started to question my sexuality at the same time-not a great plan. I thought I was aro/ace. Truthfully I’ve really only got back into having crushes like I used to this year, which is 3-4 years after everything happened. The relationship impacted me badly in that sense. Relationships? Completely a no-go for me. Even now I’m not sure if it’d be fair for me to enter into one despite the progress I’ve made. So. Anyway. I went through a lot of sexualities on the ace/aro spectrum-lithromantic was a big one and I was sure that was me. Truthfully my mental state was just utterly wrecked and I was entirely lost.

But even then I just felt like...nothing really fit. It felt wrong. I dropped it entirely, I knew I wasn’t interested in relationships at that point and that’s all I really needed. But I went through therapy for depression and anxiety and pain management and I never brought up my relationship but I started to heal mentally. Eventually I realised yeah, my mental state is doing pretty amazing, but you still have a HUGE issue with relationships. We need to work through that. So I did...it still took a long time but I got better. And better. And better. And I’m still getting better. And I started to question my sexuality again, this time in a much better place to.

I had a great friend at the time who was part of the LGBT+ community and every time I tried out an identity, he was all on board. I think I changed it a lot. I remembered back to when I was hm, maybe 11 and I realised I definitely liked girls and it was tricky because I’ve very rarely had crushes on guys but like, I was in a relationship with one so...I guess I couldn’t just be gay. Now I know I could’ve been but I also know now I still do rarely have crushes on guys-probably less so than before, still working past that relationship sfhsdf but still. Anyway I was like pan? bi? poly? there’s honest to god so many sexualities out there’s it’s overwhelming. But I started watching shadowhunters and saw magnus bane and knew bi was the label for me. I just felt comfortable with it after seeing someone else wearing it proudly.

Didn’t really solve my ace question though. I wondered if I was demi (a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone) and I decided to stick with that for awhile. I figured relationships were a no-go still so I wouldn’t really KNOW but ace felt like a scary word. Like I was saying there’s absolutely none of that when I just, HOW could I know that for sure? So demi felt safe. MAYBE I would feel sexual attraction in a relationship after awhile-there was no way for me to know. I thought maybe I was a gray ace (one definition on google puts it as experience sexual attraction very rarely, only under specific circumstances, or of an intensity so low that it's ignorable), that covers more area than just demi. Maybe I did feel sexual attraction and I just...the time hadn’t popped up.

I felt a bit like I was lying to say I was ace because what IF-the truth is, maybe I will get in a relationship and experience this so-called sexual attraction. Maybe I really just do need a strong emotional bond or whatever. Maybe I need the most specific circumstances-maybe this, maybe that. It doesn’t particularly matter in the here and now though. In the here and now I don’t experience sexual attraction. Based off conversations with people, what I’ve managed to figure out about sexual attraction...I just don’t experience it. I still question it sometimes though because are people REALLY attracted to strangers like they want to have sex-apparently anyway. And if ANYTHING ever changes, if I EVER experience it for whatever reason-I just alter my identity. I’m not lying. This is who I THINK I am and sometimes people just aren’t right. If I’m not right, it’s not a crime, I was merely missing some information to lead me to the correct identity.

Plus, asexuality is something you really have to look into. It’s not just people who don’t have sex or whatever. Some asexuals enjoy sex, some asexuals are neutral, some asexuals are repulsed by it. I’m more in the neutral area but I have shifted sometimes to a bit of nausea or feeling uncomfortable with that sort of thing. Sometimes I don’t mind the thought so much-maybe if I really loved the person I’d be okay sometimes (NOT in a forcing myself way, in a it probably wouldn’t bother me that much even if I don’t much see the interest in it. DO NOT force yourself to do ANYTHING. If I was NEVER comfortable with that it would NOT happen. I’ve heard too much shit about people forcing themselves. Don’t.). I feel like it’s meant to be more of a set spectrum-this is where you fall. But it’s always been fluid for me if I’m repulsed or neutral or whatever. I think that’s okay.

I never had a sexual sort of relationship with that one guy, I was too young for starters and it was long distance. The sort of long distance you’d pass off as just kids being dumb and I’m sure I’d laugh about it now if it didn’t go so badly for me. So I don’t really think he hit me all that hard there. I don’t think my asexuality is influenced by that at all. I feel pretty confident actually. It took me awhile but I mean seeing Raphael from shadowhunters and just that little bit of representation, I felt pretty comfy wearing the label.

I mostly just tell people I’m bi if they ask or if I wish to share. The asexual part is more personal to me, less understood, I’m no less proud but people don’t quite get it a lot. It’s just. Not out there in the way homosexuality is or whatever. There’s always a lot of questions with saying you’re asexual and a lot of the time people don’t really care to understand correctly. Even people in the LGBT+ community don’t always fully understand. And it’s always good to teach and help people learn but it’s also a bit hard when people just leave you with a ‘I don’t really get that but nevermind, whatever.’ Because not having sex? People can understand that. Not experiencing sexual attraction? People think it’s a choice a lot, but people can also understand that. But then you bring into play the actually, some aces love sex! You’ve absolutely lost the person.

I can’t say for sure I would’ve understood either if I wasn’t ace, it seems perfectly understandable now but I did my research and all.

So if you think you’re demi and bi, that’s totally cool! You only experience sexual attraction with a strong emotional bond which doesn’t HAVE to be romantic, sometimes it’s a platonic relationship that’s gotten really strong. If you think you’re ace and bi! That’s also cool, identity buddies! No sexual attraction at all-but maybe you enjoy or will enjoy sex (I don’t know how old you are if you’re actually really young DON’T go there sdklhfsdhf).

I wish I could give you a straight forward answer like well you just-but unfortunately some of my history REALLY played into me figuring things out. If I was to give you advice, if you’re not entirely sure you’re on the ace spectrum at all, talk to a close allo person. It’s a little weird to say hey, what’s sexual attraction like for you? I wish I could point you in the direction of a post that details sexual attraction (I don’t know one but if anyone reading this does or has advice, please add to this!! we don’t all have really open friends that are chill with this topic shfdsf) but I don’t know any. Sometimes questions more like ‘do people really experience sexual attraction to strangers like in movies?’ are a little more comfortable but still weird if you’re not that close.

Also, if you’re young, don’t stress it. I know, or at least I’ve HEARD it sort of becomes a thing of interest when you start going into your teens, sometimes earlier I guess. But everyone’s still figuring things out at that age. And your friends are probably less open to talk about it. Not that it’s bad! I was so stressed to figure my identity out I didn’t realise I was making everything worse, it turns out giving it time and waiting was what I personally needed to do and I think not rushing the whole process is generally good advice. If you’re really struggling-take a step back. It’s not the end of the world if you can’t find a box to put yourself in comfortably. Labels AREN’T for everyone.

If you know you’re on the ace spectrum for sure but can’t figure out where-again, labels AREN’T everything. Maybe in time you’ll settle on something but if for now you just want to go yeah I’m not interested in sex-that’s totally cool! You don’t need an exact label to be valid. You can just say ‘somewhere on the ace spectrum’ or ‘questioning on the ace spectrum’, you don’t even have to be that specific. There’s uh, hm. What was it called. Here: http://wiki.asexuality.org/Main_Page I know I ended up on this site a lot when I was questioning things. Wondering about new identities. Haven’t been there in a while but maybe you’ll get something out of it if you haven’t seen it yet. You can also probably find sites on google that give you a bit of insight into what sexual attraction details if you’re unsure like I was (am).

I hope I answered your question somewhat, I’m coming back to the demi vs ace thing and if you’re wondering exactly that-ace is none, demi is sexual attraction after a strong emotional bond which is often a relationship. So maybe you’ve been dating a person for idk, say awhile and you really love this person then maybe you start to feel sexual attraction. That’s demi-I think anyway, it’s sort of hard to tell when you just haven’t felt that before skdfjsdf. Oh and also, like how I said if I realise I’m not ace but demi or whatever and that’s okay, it’s also okay vice versa. If you’re in a relationship and realise you’re definitely ace, not demi, that’s cool too! If the person isn’t willing to accept you as ace, that’s not really a relationship you want to be in.

There’s also this:

this helped me a lot identifying some things I was feeling? When I was trying to figure out sexual attraction I’m pretty sure I realised I’d been getting it confused with aesthetic attraction for awhile. I can’t remember exactly what this picture did for me but it DID make me realise SOMETHING important so I’ll just put it here anyway.

You think you were being long 😂 sorry for being EXTRA long.

ALSO I in NO WAY want to associate aro/ace with not being mentally okay. i KNOW that’s where I went when I was struggling but I’m mostly fine now and still identifying as ace and the aro was more there was no way I could emotionally open up to another relationship at the time. I simply mistook that. People that are ace or aro have NOTHING wrong with them. Just want to make that clear.

#thank you anon!! I hope this answers something #if you can be bothered reading it all sfhsdf #don't stress yourself out over it though like I did #fixating on it and panicking when you can't figure it out doesn't help you at all #take a step back and a deep breath and try it another time #the more you try to figure it out the harder it'll get if you're pushing yourself too much #i wish you the best of luck though #hope you find an identity you feel comfy with!!#and i'll absolutely support you no matter what you settle on or if you never settle on anything (:#Anonymous

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lividian · 5 years ago

Text

Wat up, I'm here to bitch about stuff.

A good 90% of my life is straight pain and struggle right now. I spend every day trying to distract myself from how I'm feeling, whether that's through sitting on facebook watching slime videos for hours, doing schoolwork for even more hours, or doing regular things and pretending everything is fine. I try to make myself believe that I'm ok. Not say I'm never going to be ok, but I'm having a hard time dealing with all the shit life is throwing at me; has been throwing at me, for years.

I took off that mask yesterday, and I feel like I've been emotionally flayed. I'm raw and feeling all those little fragments of emotion I was protecting myself from, all at once. I've been in bed for the past 3 hours or so, thinkin about life and what mine is trying to teach me. Writing helps and I'm really open abt my mental health struggles, so I figured I'd pour it all out on here so maybe it could help someone or something.

A lot of my stressors include other people, so for their privacy, I'm going to use aliases.

Have you ever done something completely against your values/beliefs and wondered what underlying causes made you (re)act that way? I try to think about that often bc it tends to give new perspective and shed light on information necessary for changing those behaviors.

I had a tough childhood and now that I'm older, I can see the impact it's had on me for so long. Even things I can barely remember are reflected in my emotional responses and conscious decisions if I pay enough attention. Bc of the trauma and inconsistent relationship I had with my parents, I have varying degrees of trust issues, problems with relationships (platonic, familial, and romantic), and mental illnesses. I've struggled with behavioral problems for a long, long time. At one point, it was thought I had ODD because of the severity of some of my outbreaks.

Fortunately, some of my more unusual symptoms started showing up as early as 7. I had been placed in the custody of close family a couple years before that, who sought professional help when my depression and visual hallucinations first appeared. I was in counseling from that point on and began seeing psychiatrists at the age of 13, all of that lasted until I turned 19 and lost my medicaid.

Shortly after I started experiencing various mental health problems, I went into sort of a "dark age" and I don't remember much, like there's a big blind spot in my memories. There are some memories that survived and I've clung to, because I don't have much left from that time period. It lasted until about when I started taking psychiatric medications. And about that time, I started to experience extreme mood swings which resulted in damn near anything, from self harm and suicide attempts to violent outbursts and severe paranoia and delusions. These only increased in intensity until I was kicked out at the age of 17.

*I was hurt by that for a long time which fueled poor decision after poor decision, but I have forgiven both myself and my family bc all that anger and pain and guilt was doing was holding me back. I appreciate everything my family has done for me and I hold them very dear to my heart, especially in times of hardship.*

That's some back story for ya. A lot has happened since then, and maybe I'll talk about it some other time, but I'd really like to focus on the present.

My biggest source of pain currently is the fact that my daughter, Acacia, is in one state and I'm in another. I miss her terribly and every day I sit and think about how I've failed her. I want to be a source of joy for her, but right now she's hurting because her mother is gone and she doesn't understand why. We facetime, but she tells me that she doesn't like me and she's sad. It breaks my heart that she's dealing with such big emotions and I can't even be there to comfort her. But I'm also very grateful she's surrounded by people who love her and we can talk every day. It's really hard, and I'm usually in a lot of pain after we hang up, but I will always be there for her. I have to be the mother she needs me to be so I'm going to have to make some tough decisions. I'm not going to talk abt this anymore bc it's too much for me right now.

I'm in another state living with my husband, Onyx, and I feel utterly and completely alone. We left bc we were evicted back home and the only place we could go was his parents'. He shut me out a long time ago, but the homesickness is amplifying my feelings of isolation. Due to some of the toxicity in our relationship, I burned many bridges with friends and family, and aside from my 2 best friends (who I rarely talk to anymore) I have no one. Many days I beg Onyx for affection or communication or some semblance that he still loves me, but my efforts are futile. Weve been having the same fight for nearly half a year. I bring up something that's bothering me, and he becomes angry and says "it's always something", in some form or another I try to remind him that we have to work on the issues in our relationship at some point if we want things to get better, this is where he usually gets defensive and says something something along the lines of "I always need 'more or too much'". From that point, I've learned to just be quiet bc our problems are suddenly my fault and he will do everything in his power to deflect and shame if I try to get him to own up to his negative behaviors that hurt me almost every second.

I saw the red flags a long time ago, but I had hope. Hope that has now completely withered away bc I know he won't change, at least not anytime soon. I can see it in his face when I try to have any form of an adult conversation with him. The way he just barely squints his eyes while I'm talking, the smirk that I try to convince myself isn't real bc it's so slight, the overall look of complete apathy.

I've tried leaving before, several times and one period of 5 months, but I wanted to make things work bc we got married this year. He told me it would make me more consistent and I wouldn't feel like leaving all the time, but let me tell you, I feel like leaving all the time. I've told him about my plans to go back home, without him. I've told him I would stay if he would be a part of this relationship too bc I can't be with someone who is the source of so much of my pain. You know that saying, "you can't make someone love you if they don't want to"? It's true, fucking painfully true. I've found myself holding on to tiny shreds of hope here and there, making myself believe that he'll try in small gestures like a kiss or laying his head on me. But I've been doing that for too long. I have made sacrifices for him over and over to the point where I don't recognize myself anymore. I've stopped talking to wonderful ppl bc it made him uncomfortable. I'll admit it, I kissed a guy back the night after we decided to be mutually exclusive. I talked to an ex love interest for a period of time abt how I was struggling in my relationship w Onyx. But I apologized, owned up to those behaviors, and made changes. I don't deserve for those things to be held over my head and brought up in almost every fight bc yes, I fucked up, but I did what I had to do to fix things. At a certain point, you have to be accountable for how you let your hurt and anger manifest.

So now I'm leaving bc I have to get back to my daughter and get in a better environment, but I don't know how or when. Like I said earlier, I ruined a lot of relationships try to preserve the one that was ruining me. But I'm really stuck out here, I've never been able to hold a job in my working career, and even if I could, I'm also taking several online college classes (that's been a bitch too) so I can't work more than part time and even that would jeopardize my mental health. I'm really stuck and so frustrated and I'm sorry that this has been a super long post. Like I said, I'm just bitching about life. I know the most sucky situations bring about the most growth.

For those of you who are curious, my diagnoses are PTSD, atypical OCD, and persistent depression w mood incongruent psychotic features.

Also: Besides being a good talker, I'm also a great listener. If you're struggling right now, I'm here for u.

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bnha-imagines-hcs · 6 years ago

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uwu i want angst and sorry if this is too triggering but is it okay to do dabi, present mic and shinsou where they get in a super heated fight w their s/o and the boys do a quick movement to run their hands through their hair or like hand gesture and its so fast their s/o thinks they’re going to hit them and they heavily flinch and then the guys find out shes had like an abusive past i love ur writing so much crie

( no, this is okay ❤❤❤ i won’t write a prompt of charas beating their s/o, but this is good. | warning for grade A asshole in dabi’s. | wherein present mic is the only one who knows how to do this lmfao. | shinsou’s a good boy who Tries. )

| dabi; headcanons.

a heated fight with dabi is like tryina cheat death. he’s a stone-cold professional with his mind on the job, but when anger gets involved there’s no more rules. yeah, that’s been a red flag from the get go, but here you both are…

dabi’s cruel when he’s angry. serious about his bonds, but cruel, and it’s never worse than when ppl take to clawing at him in word or deed; fighting with him gets nasty – if it hurts him, you’re fucked.(you piece of shit, like you’ve any more right than whatever rando you’re degrading yourself to be, fuck you fuck you FUCK YOU—) nothing but absolute offensive defence. it’s all predatory while anyone he cares for (or who knows how to get to him) is taking shots at him; fixated on the kill to avoid his own pain. there is no pain, no gentility as a viable option for dealing with this (he doesn’t even know that’s a thing that really works, that he could do), no bond to preserve - nothing but rage to hide within and blind his enemies with.

since it’s his primary mode for survival, it’s not smth he can consciously acknowledge (yet). he can’t - he needs it too much, too often.

it’s not the kind of mood where he likes his s/o, it’s not the kind of mood where he wants to be nice.

you’re scared of him? (fire, fists, words, teeth- there’s so much he can do–) good. you should be.

absolutely undoubtedly, dabi makes it so much fucking worse. had they not been fighting, it would’ve been so different – but there’s no mercy in a fight. an angry dabi is rarely safe.he doesn’t hit them, but he makes a play at it more than once until they’re a crying, triggered mess and that’s when he takes his vindication somewhere private / he’s won. he’ll worry about whether you’re still dating after he’s figured out whether he still wants that.

oh, the insinuations? bitch, no-one here is unhurt. and if you know dabi, you shouldn’t be stupid enough not to feel the threat. if that would scare you, fuck off you brainless–

he hasn’t yet figured out whether you’re still worth giving a shit. shit.

| hizashi; headcanons.

the one motherfucker who handles this well from the get go, and that’s in part because with hizashi you just don’t get into… nasty fights. the rest is that hizashi is Absolutely not inclined toward scaring his loved ones and has no need for defensive rage to that extent.

he’s got standards for himself, y’know? they’re more important than petty shock/hurt - his survival methods are so much more healthy than dabi’s, and that’s thanks to personality and opportunity.

if you’re really fighting, it’ll still be close to reason - hizashi’s emotionally healthy & would be with someone who is, for the most part, also that. as in, if you can’t talk about ur big issues like adults ( + some emotion ofc but honestly expressed, not cruelly ), he’s nooooooot gonna be in a relationship with you. you- that’s. like. communication, bro. you need it.

first off he’ll a) absolutely notice and jump to the right conclusions thanks to experience b) wave it away bc he’s preoccupied and inclined to go ‘well it could be smth ELSE’ if he’s not completely ready to deal with it.the look on your face makes him ready to deal with it in about 3 seconds, and then he gently puts the fight on hold to ask whether he scared you, assure verbally that he wouldn’t, and give you space while asking what u need to feel safe enough to continue being arnd each other - or to not do that if u can’t feel safe.

hizashi is so good at making himself gentle - bc he is. he doesn’t need the walls & fronts to feel safe himself; vulnerability is his strength. he uses it well.

there’s blankets involved and his express refusal to come near unless you ask him to, letting you control his proximity to you and what happens next. if you want, there are so many cuddles. if you want, there is reading apart from each other in blanket nests without focussing on anything so you can try to wind down. tea, maybe some anti-anxiety bg music, a super gentle kid’s show on tv. if you want to leave, you leave. if you want him to leave, he leaves. if you want to work through this but need a friend as a buffer, y’all call them over. hizashi will text aizawa for his own emotional support, cuz finding this out is rather upsetting for him too - fuck, he loves you, of course it is. anything to be receptive, welcoming, and kind to your pain.

the real anger comes when he finds out just who hurt you, and it’ll be reserved for those names.

| shinsou; headcanons.

shinsou gets mad.

it’s instant, thoughtless hurt while they’re already hurting each other and it just makes him defensive / he doesn’t stop to consider a better route. (can’t.) more angry, yells smth pained about them not trusting him (thinks it’s a jab since they know his buttons) – things aren’t registering as they would if he had his wits about him.it’s just hurt. yells, moves toward them too quick & makes it worse (not intentional) but is already backing off again. things sink in now & he’s a mess, so instead of doing anything that he can’t properly think through rn he just leaves. takes himself out of the situation.

he’s not stupid. between his own experiences, hero work, etc – once the fight’s a lil further in the past and his head cooled, he can look at it and see they weren’t trying to hurt him. it wasn’t fake– and that’s so much worse. do they trust him anymore? no idea, so he waits it out / gives them both more time to settle. he’s not ready to be soft yet, but the idea of going in when he’s still on edge just breaks his heart.shit, he didn’t know this.

maybe he’s reading too much into it. yeah, maybe. he’ll ask. hopes that won’t be too invasive, draws on all his lessons to figure out a game plan; be calm, non-threatening, respectful. (he’s gonna phone aizawa, ask for advice.)he especially needs time to prepare for the possibility they won’t want to share with him. will respect it of course, but he’s so fucking worried it’d drive him a lil mental so he needs to prep to not push whatsoever - and it’s easier to focus on his worry than their fight that’s been abandoned like an open wound.

‘easier’. ugh.

he goes back in when his head’s clear / phoned first to ask. he cuts right to the chase, tells them to set the boundaries if they want to meet up - make it so they can feel safe. it’s not that bad anymore, they say – although it really hurt when shinsou just left, made them fear he didn’t want smth so broken.

that hadn’t fucking occurred to him at all.

and that’s such a relief they fucking both cry, ugly sobs into the phone and tentative ‘why were we fighting anyway’ - an equally careful ‘maybe we can write things out that bother us and just focus on finding a way through’.

they meet. their s/o is a lil spooked in that trauma way you just can’t help & shinsou’s hyper caution makes it worse until they each find a balance. somewhere innocuous with ice cream and a view on a park, and they just. adjust to this new part of their dynamic, get used to each other again since they didn’t get to properly end the fight or deal with things. there’s some unrelated talk to ease into things before they open up - just the tip of the iceberg, to test out shinsou’s capacity for it.

he’s got a hard time looking gentle when he’s torn between hurting for them so much (and that’s… more intense than expected) and angry at himself, the situation, the things that hurt his s/o and the things he doesn’t need to punish himself for but does.

after a while they call in the help of experienced adults (read: present mic) to deal with this; still more private than a counsellor, but still… they need the help.

they make it through. soft becomes a new/reinforced staple of their relationship and they learn way better ways to communicate thru issues, avoid actual fights.

learning to channel his anger differently also eases shinsou’s overall life / being soff w/ the bae becomes a new (and first) favourite part of his own personality (whoo boy). if he happens upon the bastards who hurt his s/o and curbstomps them somewhere in a back alley, well. that’s more aizawa’s influence.

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tinybeanhealing · 7 years ago

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scorpio sun/moon/mercury, sagittarius venus/mars/jupiter/pluto, cancer midheaven, pisces saturn, capricorn uranus/neptune, libra rising/nnode/chiron, third house stellium? sorry, i'm just having trouble getting a snapshot of my chart in my head

omg no need to apologize, I can talk abt this w u

I’m not gonna spend time talking abt yr north node or yr chiron bc those i would have to know more specific info n I”m not doing full birth chart readings at the moment but I definitely recommend getting yr chart fully read by someone u trust n they should talk abt yr north node as lessons u might wanna work on moving forward n yr chiron as ways u have to heal yrself so u can go into the world to be good to others. If they frame it differently than that, it’s ok bc everyone’s astrology is different.

I also have a scorp merc ! We’re sassy n rude n can pick at ppl. It makes u a natural investigator, u know everyone’s dirt bc u are bold enough to just...ask. Sometimes u push ppl’s buttons to see how they’ll react not rlly bc yr an asshole (altho who knows ! all that sag ??? JK but lol) but bc u wanna learn about that person thru how they react. Classic scorp merc behavior. U might feel like what yr saying n doing is harmless but sometimes ppl react rlly badly to it. U are like the ultimate softy honestly. Scorps are super intimidating, altho yr libra rising helps tone that down just a little bit. It seems daunting to anyone to get to know u bc yr so mysterious n incredible seeming. But combining yr scorp n sag placements yr also the ultimate hot n cold person. One minute yr off the next yr on. It’s hard for u to just have one thing going on at a time. Yr loyal, don’t get me wrong. But u might need a more open relationship type deal. Or, u absolutely need monogamy bc scorps are possessive like that. U might have issues with possessiveness/jealousy/control. U are extremely sensitive. U might feel like yr on an emotional roller coaster it’s bc u are honest with yrself abt how u rlly feel. U allow yrself to connect with yr softness n emotions but u might not let other ppl see u doing that. U aren’t afraid to work hard. U wanna be seen as someone with effortless charm but u have more of a gritty magnetism that draws ppl to u. Ppl are definitely drawn to u, just in a different way than u probably want. Publicly u wanna be seen as a caretaker, a sweet one. U are sweet n that’s not a lie. U have ties to mama energy, whether that’s positive or negative in yr life. U are empathetic n gentle. 10th house/midheaven is capricorn’s house. The house of ambition but also capricorn has a dad connection. To have cancer, the mama sign, in the house of dads might be significant. It might say something abt yr connection to yr original home or a home u create for yrself. It definitely means u have strong ambition. Yr good at planning n can adapt well as situations develop n change. U are naturally very creative but there’s a restlessness in u that may feel difficult to quell. Even when u don’t want to, u find yrself at the center of attention bc of the energy u have. U might feel like u are in a battle (often within yrself) between needing to instigate change in yr life n wanting stability n security. It’s hard for u to let things go, u remember everything. U might fall into pettiness/resentment sometimes. I also have cap uranus/neptune so it looks like we’re in the same generation (: U are practical n loyal. Above anyone else, u are persevering. U have the power of self discipline altho that might feel difficult with that 3rd house stellium n all that sag. U have a need to accept responsibilities n limitations, which can be hard for u to do. U are very contemplative. U have the ability to use yr intuitive powers for practical matters, not just emotional. U ultimately are looking to make this world more perfect. U are friendly, optimistic, can be impulsive, very very enthusiastic, sort of argumentative (probably a lot w all that sag) n u have a tendency to exaggerate a lot. U have a deeeeep need to travel long term. Definitely do this for yrself bc it is the only way u will connect fully with yr whole self. U are sympathetic n kind. U idealize love. U probably need more than one project going on at once, if u end up getting married n establishing a home with a partner(s) u will want to have a project going on outside yr home life to keep u busy n interested. With that 3rd house stellium u probably invented multi tasking honestly. U have a strong connection with idealism n philosophy. It’s probably impossible to lie to u. U can see thru ppl pretty easily. U have a perceptive mind n strong reasoning skills. U might have a weird ability to repair things. U have a sweet gift of satire but that sometimes turns sharp into criticizing others. U can convey a “knowingness” without even speaking. U can be mean without realizing it. Yr pisces saturn makes u self sacrificing. A practical idealist. U take life pretty seriously. Yr fire placements n 3rd house help with that but not much. U got a lot of serious in yr chart. U might have a tendency to react emotionally to bad conditions, which is like super normal. U might have an issue with being indecisive. Yr return, depending in what house yr saturn is in, might have to do with taking responsibility for yr past lives. This will help so that u don’t suffer at the words n actions of other ppl so much. Once u connect with yrself deeply, esp during yr return, u will likely access deep healing powers that u can start using for yrself n others. That third house stellium, hm. I can’t tell which of yr planets are in there just based on how i’m reading the list but usually an emphasis on the third house will be connected to siblings, short term travel, n communication. So u have a lot of immediate family placements, u might feel close or extremely isolated from them. U are probably pretty good at externalizing yr feelings, but u might keep them in yr head rather than yr heart. U can connect with yr emotions but u might choose to do that rationally rather than emotionally.

I hope that description carries some truths for u ! Let me know if u have other questions abt yr chart (:

#astrology #description #all planets #scorpio #sagittarius #libra #capricorn #pisces #stellium #3rd house stellium #Anonymous

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nwyoongi-blog · 8 years ago

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hello!!! everyone!! i’m so excited this is officially open, island rp’s are perfect for summer -- and so here’s my gloomy boy min yoongi :’) jokes aside, he’s not actually always doom and gloom i promise u__u in fact, no one would ever know he’s a depressed lil man because he plays everything off as a joke, you know humor as deflection and all that. anyway, if i haven’t dissuaded you from plotting with him already, then please!! let’s plot!! you can find his profile here, his full bio here, some similar stuff under the cut, and for once in my life i pre-made some plots that you can find here! so if you want any of those, or even if you don’t, feel free to im me (or if you prefer, i have both discord and twitter)! otherwise, i’ll be messaging welcomes soon enough <3

24, tour guide, just moved to mido 4 months ago (lives @ paradise sharehouse w/luhan)

grew up in daegu, practically raised his little sister, lost his mom to a bus accident

alcoholic dad hates him, in turn has learned to hate himself and is also an alcoholic

thus he’s a bit sensitive, but it manifests as him being defensive and easy to irritate

which he really is; he gets easily annoyed and angry and may come off abrasive

but it’s really just because he always tries to push people away before they get close

for one, because he doesn’t want to get hurt so: hurting others before they hurt him

for another, because he doesn’t want to hurt anyone else anymore physically

he thinks he’s ~protecting them by hurting ppl emotionally so that they leave him

so that he doesn’t have the chance to hurt them physically (bc of how his mom died)

all that said, it’s not like he’s always a complete asshole and it is possible to be friends!

if you don’t annoy him, he’s cool to hang with, the guy that never takes things seriously

he’s a bit reckless so he’s up for anything, he’s sarcastic, he talks in jokes and teases

he’ll outdrink you any day, light your cigarettes, go anywhere you want

but unless you’re his little sister, he’s not the guy to go to for serious talks or advice

i think that’s enough for here rip, but there’s more on his profile!!

as for plots, again i have some pre-made if you wanna look at those! otherwise, we can always brainstorm, i’m up for anything!! give me cute, simple beach vibe plots, give me angst and drama, give me whatever the heck u want friend and i’m sure i’ll be up for it! <3

#myg | ooc

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comicteaparty · 6 years ago

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April 18th, 2019 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party chat that occurred on April 18th, 2019, from 5PM - 7PM PDT. The chat focused on The Carpet Merchant of Konstantiniyya by Reimena Yee; Edited by Atla Hrafney.

Featured Comment:

Chat:

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- THURSDAY BOOK CLUB START!

Good evening, everyone~! This week’s Thursday Book Club is officially beginning! Today we are discussing The Carpet Merchant of Konstantiniyya by Reimena Yee; Edited by Atla Hrafney~! (https://reimenayee.com/the-carpet-merchant-of-konstantiniyya/)

Remember that Thursday discussions are completely freeform! However, every 30 minutes I will drop in OPTIONAL discussion questions in case you’d like a bit of a prompt. If you miss out on one of these prompts, you can find them pinned for the chat’s duration. Additionally, remember that while constructive criticism is allowed, our focus is fun and respectfully appreciating the comic. All that said, let’s begin!

QUESTION 1. What is your favorite scene in the comic so far and why?

my favorite scene is definitely the one where zeynel sneaks off in the middle of the night after eating the cat to go pray. i love this scene for how emotionally raw it is. like this is somewhat being stripped and presented at their most desperate and vulnerable, and every part of the scene shows that. while at the same time, it has a good balance of feeling sort of mystical and expressing zeynel's faith through the choice in visuals and how many of the panels are composed together.

another of my favorite scenes is the end of volume 2 where certain ppl kick the bucket. it too was a powerful scene in terms of emotion and vulnerability, and another moment where i truly felt like the character in question was being their truest selves without the layers that ppl build up to protect themselves. not to mention i appreciate the bittersweetness of how it played out and how kindness kind of won in the end.

mathtans

Heeeey there. So, I kinda screwed this one up. Because normally when I reach the navigation page, I hit "FIRST". Aaaand... yeah, that wasn't the Carpet story. There's apparently a whole lot of other stories that come first. I was very confused, and this was a busy week. I figured it out half an hour ago and am reading now.

RebelVampire

oh dear. thats a lot worse than i was assuming too cause i knew the other comic was interspersed between the first and second volume. but now im glad i was vague in that last answer XD

mathtans

I was surprised it had been running since 2013 and then I noticed the artist had said they started it in 2016 in their kickstarter and derp. So I'll just kinda thumbs up stuff as I spot it.

reimena

If it makes it easier; here are the ebook versions of Volume I and II

Vol I: https://reimenayee.itch.io/the-carpet-merchant-voli Vol II: https://reimenayee.itch.io/the-carpet-merchant-volii

mathtans

Oh, hello author. Thanks.

(And now I must go tend to the wee one.)

RebelVampire

let's see then in the meantime. i loved the first scene where we see zeynel plying his trade and selling a carpet. like the scene immediately paints a picture for the visuals and draws you in with them. and the visuals are consistently beautiful throughout the comic.

but by contrast, i also appreciate the scene later on in the second volume where Mora wtfs Zeynel just taking the insults and Zeynel explains how its part of the job etc. etc. It was interesting to see this other take on his job and that not everything about selling carpets is all that fun and even if youre a cool vampire, sometimes you gotta swallow your pride and accept customers being dumbasses.

mathtans

Back-ish. Oh yes, the visuals are amazing. Not just the carpet patterns either. Even the sheep were different.

Lots of neat cultural stuff too.

RebelVampire

what i appreciate i think is the character of the backgrounds. cause a lot of them have what im going to describe as this splash effect. and while it may not always have anything to do with whats in the main panels and is mostly there to not be white space, i feel they always add great atmosphere to each individual page.

yeah i really adored the culture stuff. this is definitely not a heavily featured culture in comics so it was super interesting to get to see it.

though i also appreciate later zeynel's ability to just kind of meld into different cultures. cause it really gives the opportunity to compare, contrast, and appreciate

one thing i also want to say in regards to culture is that i also appreciate that the comic balances having unique culture features while still telling a story that is really universal to anybody. so you dont need to have some deep specific connection to the culture in order to appreciate the story in its fullest

QUESTION 2. One of the comic’s central themes is related to stories and story-telling. Overall, what do you personally think the comic is saying about the importance of stories in our lives? Of the fables that were juxtaposed to the main narrative, which one captured your imagination the most? How did you feel it related to what we were seeing in the story? In what ways did you see stories affect the lives of the characters within the story? Additionally, what did you make of Zeynel’s explanation about each carpet having a story within it? How do you think this applies to the works we see in our own lives? In total, how has the comic changed the way you see stories and how they shape our lives?

mathtans

Okay, little one's settled back in the crib, more fully back now.

Yeah, the story seems universal (from what I've gathered so far, with the two families). So it's more a bonus, the phrases and references and things.

RebelVampire

ill tackle the second question first. my favorite fable juxtaposed to the main narrative was Karagoz and Hacivat. there were a lot of reasons this juxtaposition really worked for me. first off, its premise of being a show that zeynel was watching i think somewhat helped build a feeling of nostalgia. like because the show was in the past, it helps illustrate how far away zeynel is from that. however, i think it further helps set up the idea of culture clashing. and predictively shows that both sides kind of have a negative and specific view of the opposing culture. so when these come up in the story, they help paint a particular perspective regarding them. and kind of force us as the readers to recognize that both sides have their biases as zeynel adjusts to life in different places.

mathtans

I know the feeling of being a better listener than talking about oneself. (Just as I'm reading, not sure if that necessarily relates to the stories idea.)

RebelVampire

in terms of the importance of stories, i feel like the comic was overall trying to say that stories help us connect to the world around us. and i kind of think this is represented with young zeynel. cause he sucks at talking about himself, but tells and listens to stories to connect with others. and this is how he bonds with people, learns about the world, and somehow down the line eventually learns about himself.

reimena

I do have thoughts of the intention behind the Karagoz and Hacivat scene, but I'll wait until everyone's done typing! (unless you want it now)

RebelVampire

you may go ahead since math definitely wouldnt be close to that one. participate as you would like

mathtans

I agree with what Rebel said, both about the bonding and learning through stories, and about the do your thing and don't wait for me, I'm a slow reader in general.

reimena

Haha I'm just lurking (doing other things while keeping this discord open). Only dropping in when necessary. (I appreciate all of the discussion though! <3)

mathtans

There's some really good non-dialogue panelling as Zeynel is opening himself up to the merchant life.

reimena

With the Karagoz and Hacivat story, it was meant to act as first, a parallel to Zeynel and Mora (with Zeynel being Hacivat, and Mora being Karagoz). Second, a subversion of the Other. Since Vol II is a jab at Orientalism, I thought it would be fun to have characters who are normally seen as "Other" to call out the Western world as their "Other".

Muslims both in the past and the present have always been constructed as monstrous or barbaric in Europe. Very rarely in a visual medium's critique of Orientalism do I see the opposite. Especially in the context of the era the comic is set in.

RebelVampire

i definitely appreciate the subversion of the "Other" then if it was intentional

reimena

Which explains the European wooden puppets at the end. The costumes, the white facepaint and blush, and the 3D construction of the design. Those are European. And they look rather jarring and out of place in a book that's mostly visually Ottoman.

mathtans

I was a little worried about how Zeynel's parents would react to his independence. It felt spot-on in the end, in particular the embrace and such, I'm glad he managed it. (Then fainting, hah.)

RebelVampire

this is true, their design really is odd compared to the rest and it did make me wtf for a moment admittedly. but i also definitely thought it made sense in the context

zeynel's parents reaction surprised the heck out of me, but probably in the good way

usually when you have overbearing parents, you expect them to be stubborn and not able to be persuaded. and yet here they were not and i thought that was a nice variety.

mathtans

Yeah, I was wondering about that, but the conditional acceptance worked for me.

Oh, well, the next sequence is a kick to the heart for me.

reimena

That's because they really love Zeynel. It's more overprotectiveness than being stubborn

mathtans

Speaking as someone with infertility issues in the family, ouch. Captured well though.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 3. Though much of the comic is about stories, there is also a lot of focus given to defining ourselves and achieving our dreams. Between Zeynel and Ayşe, which character’s struggle with their future path did you identify with most? What about it made it compelling? What do you think the comic shows and says about the way we define ourselves and pursue our dreams as it relates to others? Further, the narrative somewhat creates an identity crisis for Zeynel when he becomes a djinni/vampire. What part of his transformation did you find most compelling in his reaction towards it? What do you think we can learn from the comic in regards to moments like this where who we are changes? Is there anything else you’d like to mention in regards to identity and the comic?

i think i identified most with zeynel in regards to the future path struggle. cause ive been there with zeynel where you dont know what to do. and then you encounter ppl like Ayşe who just are 100% of what they want to do. and it can be an intimidating experience that makes you feel more lost sometimes, which i do think at first kind of happened. mostly cause zeynel really opened up and laid everything bare after some pressuring and i think its because Ayşe caused those emotions to reverberate more strongly than ever.

mathtans

Yeah, I've never really been clear on where I'm going, but I'm highly organized in the moment. Then there's those times when I know where I'm going (start a family) and reality just kicks you from behind and says you need to adapt those plans.

RebelVampire

yeah. but ultimately what i found about zeynel's struggle was how we were shown how he overcame it. in that he found something interesting that he was good at and decided to give it a try against all he was taught. but that it was something he did with those around him supporting him. and i think in a large way this is part of what the comic shows about defining ourselves. that in essence we are defined somewhat by the people around us, such as how zeynel's parents picked his career or how Ayşe herself was defined by her family's occupation. but at the same time changing how we see ourselves is made a lot easier when those around us who originally helped define us support explorations into other areas.

mathtans

Yeah, Zeynel also got a lot better at talking about himself. (I'm at the part where he heads off, runs into a guy and is suddenly telling him all about himself and carpets.)

RebelVampire

its easier to talk about yourself when youre proud of what you do

i really enjoyed how zeynel's vampire situation kind of goes through a lot of the stages of grief. though not all with zeynel either. cause i think denial hit Ayşe a lot, lot harder. but i think it played out really well because of that since his reaction felt extremely realistic.

and i love how hard they tried to make it work before hitting that acceptance stage

but all together i think the comic shows us that sometimes we do change, its sad, but we have to accept it cause no matter how hard we may try to make something work, the reality is it doesnt always

mathtans

I'm at the transformation part. That's rough. Some stuff you can just write off, but then reality hits you once again... and yeah, I agree Rebel, reality can be at odds with what we want or believe.

Interesting how the tavern guy, while being a jerk, still had an element of sympathy to him, what with his history.

RebelVampire

i felt bad for tavern guy. cause he was definitely a jerk, but at the same time all i can think of is how this poor guy will be found and no one will know who the murderer was. and maybe therell be a vague description of some out of town dude showing up. but then nothing cause this isnt modern day and its not like they have forensics or security survellaince footage.

mathtans

Yeah. Though I guess he did kinda want death, just earlier when he was with the sultan... his reality didn't work out either.

RebelVampire

it certainly did not.

i like to think tavern dude was the showcase of what happens when you choose to define yourself with anger and revenge

mathtans

Perhaps he wanted to beat someone up and figured an out-of-towner was better than someone who might have relatives nearby.

The night imagery when he goes back home is very effective

RebelVampire

that is probably true cause that scene made me marvel about how if you killed for self defense, the best course of action probably is to just run the heck away. cause like, who are you going to tell? and what is the liklihood those you tell are going to believe you that it was self defense? cause if i was like some town guard and some out-of-towner said to me "nah dude it was totally self defense" i might be like "idk man that sounds suspicious"

QUESTION 4. Much of the second volume focuses on the character of Mora and Zeynel’s affect on him. Overall, what is your opinion on Mora? Do you feel Zeynel handled the situation correctly, or would you have done it differently? Why do you think Zeynel had the affect he did on Mora? Do you feel Mora’s regrets at the end redeemed him, or do you feel that he had done too much damage by this point? Do you think Zeynel was sincere in saying that he would try and start forgiving Mora at the end? In essence, what do you think Zeynel and Mora’s story together says about good and bad people? Additionally, what is your take away in regards to the themes of redemption and forgiveness? What in the comic made you feel this way?

i love mora because he is a conflicted, murderous teddy bear who got dealt the worst hand in life.

and i think zeynel handled the situation 100% correctly. because i think that played into a large reason why he has an affect on mora. cause i think its relevant to even the scene where we first see mora. in that mora is flat out just not used to kindness. and that she be shown kindness reminds mora that not everyone are the people who were awful to him in his past.

mathtans

I don't think I'll get that far. Ayse is taking this better than I thought she would.

RebelVampire

honestly i didnt know what to expect for how Ayşe would take it. i was legit as nervous as zeynel about it. cause this is an unbelievable situation where you have to ask a person to 1) believe youre now a supernatural creature and 2) be okay with the fact that you sorta murdered someone, even if out of self defense

but i enjoyed i didnt know what to expect

cause it helped put me in zeynel's shoes

mathtans

Yeah, I kinda thought she'd let him go and try to find a cure or something. But in the story she told, I guess she still needs him as a constant in her life.

It's kind of regressed Zeynel back to the point where he's not sure who he is any more, or what he wants. Before it was his family affecting him, now it's this inner demon.

RebelVampire

since you wont be to that volume i wont dwell on it, but i do want to finish the last set of questions off by saying i do feel mora earned his redemption in a sense. not in the lets all forgiveness sort of way, but in the sense he finally took a satisfying step in the right direction since he acknowledged everything he had done to that point was wrong. but with mora and zeynel, i think the story is saying bad and good people are still people. and that bad people are often bad for reasons and that while we dont have to forgive them, theres a degree to which we should still show them some human decency. and that if said bad person is trying to redeem themselves, its good to encourage it even if to us personally they cant be redeemed.

mathtans

Definitely address your questions, they seem like good ones.

RebelVampire

i think thats a good way to look at the transformation. that hes regressed. cause its definitely an identity crisis

like even without the vampire thing i doubt zeynel would have labeled himself as someone capable of murder

so that in itself is a holy crap moment

mathtans

He never knew what he was capable of until it was thrust onto him.

Something I've noticed narratively is the use of flashback. We started with the little blurb on the boat... then to the carpet selling... then back again 25 years. (There was something similar in the very first story too, the one I started reading accidentally.)

RebelVampire

yeah and tbh i think thats kind of within the comic as well regarding identity. that as much as we can come to define ourselves, we may still be missing portions of that definition if we never test ourselves in certain ways and find out what were actually capable of in certain situation.

mathtans

I always hesitate a bit with that style, like I wonder if it's really necessary, but I thought it worked well in terms of how the 25 years got kind of "fast forwarded" through the relationship to bring us to the present rather than jumping back. That was good.

(No idea if that narrative idea happens again.)

That's a good way of putting it, Rebel. Not only missing portions from testing but if other people are needed to bring those things into focus for us.

RebelVampire

yeah the use of flashback is interesting. though i think i most appreciate the first flashback transition from the boat to zeynel's successful merchant life. cause i think the boat really set up some great expectations. so when you see zeynel all happy selling a carpet youre like "hey werent you just eating a rat on a boat how did that come about."

mathtans

I'm not sure I made the link that fast, I just thought they were related or something.

RebelVampire

well even related i still think it sets up ominous tone for future events. so eh.

mathtans

I'm reminded of a conversation earlier today with colleagues, of when someone gets old and feels like maybe it's just their time and isn't necessarily proactive about health and stuff. But others may need that person to still be around. So they make an effort for that reason.

This two-panel style between Zeynel and Ayse is pretty effective.

RebelVampire

i think thats true to whats happening in the story for sure. cause as confident as Ayşe is, i dont think she wouldve accomplished her goals without zeynel. and tbf we dont really see them have that many friends who arent family and working for them. so they probably a close knit group

one thing i want to say at that end is that this comic really made me want to learn how to make carpets so i too can have beautiful carpets on my floor

mathtans

It's like, there's so much emotion here, it needs space to breathe.

I think there was a tutorial panel somewhere in there.

(For making carpets.)

RebelVampire

there was and id be lying if i said i didnt legitimately studied it for a bit

but then i gave up

and felt Ayşe's pain

mathtans

Made it to #300. Rough stuff. Very emotional.

You'll just have to weave your stories in the meantime, Rebel.

RebelVampire

this chat was missing a pun

COMIC TEA PARTY- THURSDAY BOOK CLUB END!

Sadly, this wraps up this week’s Thursday Book Club chat for now. Thank you so much to everyone for reading and joining us! We want to give a special thank you to Reimena Yee and Atla Hrafney, as well, for making The Carpet Merchant of Konstantiniyya. If you liked the comic, make sure to support Reimena Yee’s efforts however you’re able to~!

Read and Comment: https://reimenayee.com/the-carpet-merchant-of-konstantiniyya/

Pledge for a Hard Copy: https://unbound.com/books/the-carpet-merchant-voli/

Reimena’s Twitter: https://twitter.com/reimenayee

#ctparchive #comics #webcomics #indie comics #comic chat #comic discussion #book club #bookclub #webcomic book club #webcomic bookclub #comic tea party #ctp #the carpet merchant of konstantiniyya #reimena yee #atla hrafney

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ohhhhmyblog · 8 years ago

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#StoryTimeWithMy - Me & #HurtBae handle things differently...clearly.

Ok... So I was with him over 3 years at this point. But in recent times, we had had multiple convos about not being together for various reasons...but there was still that lingering love. You know? Where you still speak everyday, still hang out, are still intimate, etc... Still...to the point where one week prior to this "incident" we did a little day trip where we took Teagan out to eat and to Liberty Science Center. You know, regular shit...

So on this day, I spoke with him a couple times throughout the day. I let him know I had made plans in his area later and we agreed to just hang out until my girl got off work. Soooo.... I go.

I get to his house and everything's regular... drinks, music, his friends, their girlfriends...typical weekend night at his place.

Then the bell rings, he goes to open it, and a woman comes in. I don't think anything of it at all...at first. Then I notice all of his friends get weirdly silent (completely out of character for this bunch). The woman is totally comfortable. She goes into the fridge for something, takes a charger out of the wall and heads toward his bedroom. She's out of sight for about a minute and I decide to go follow her.

And there she is...sitting on his bed, phone plugged in the wall, just scrolling through her phone...super comfortable. I do the only thing there is to do... "Oh hi...I'm MyAsia. Who are you? I'm *insert name i dont remember because it didn't matter*. Oh. You're here for *him*? How do you know him...because you clearly KNOW him? I've known him for years." She starts to look worried. She's catching on... (lol, funny now...wasn't funny then)

I go back into the living room. I approach him. I just stare at him. He gives me this look like "Fuck!" but tries to play like he's confused. "What?" he says., I just stare at him...

In that moment, I am trying soooooo hard not to burst into tears because...y'all...she was comfortable there. She wasn't new. She knew where the outlets were in his bedroom. She didn't require an introduction to his friends. She was comfortable enough to go in the fridge.

"Who is she? Why is she here?" He just stares at me with the goofiest "I have fucked up" face. She walks into the living room. It's now awkward af. I. LOSE. IT. I have so many questions and I'm asking them all...in front of everyone...at max volume...without one single fuck to give. Not. One.

His friends start to head to the door. The gf of one his boys stays behind and attempts to get me to relax. Nope. I'm on one. Then something in my head is like "MyAsia, you are making a fool of yourself. You are flipping your shit and he isn't even reacting." He is still in the same spot...looking dumb.

The woman gets her things to leave. I start to leave too. He follows. (I think he thought we would get into something...but no, my issue was never with her.) But in that moment, I interpreted that as him wanting to save her from me. I started swinging. You know when you swing as you talk? Why👊would👊you👊do👊this👊to👊me? Why👊have👊her👊come👊here👊when👊you👊knew👊I'd👊be👊here? He gives me this "I didnt know she was coming" bs...which only pissed me off even more. Now I know she's comfortable just popping up here? Ok.

I start bawling. I am sooo hurt. I felt betrayed. I felt stupid. I had placed him on this pedestal...because in my mind, he would never be "this guy". I attempt to storm out. He stops me. Now he has answers. Now he wants to explain. He wants to tell me that "we broke up already". He wants to tell me "we already decided not to be together". He wants me to believe she just came around in the last couple weeks...this woman who goes in his fridge, knows his friends, comes over unannounced and knows where the outlets are in his bedroom... I. Can. Not. Stop. Crying. I want to...because I feel weak and stupid...but I can't.

I snatch away from him and leave. I can't leave. I have an excruciating headache suddenly. I can't see thru the tears. I was a wreck...smh. I get in the car, drive one block up and park. I call the friend I was suppose to link up with after she got off. I am hysterical. She can't understand me. My phone beeps. There's another call coming in. It's his friend's gf from back at the house. She wants to know where I am. I tell her and click back over. I give a short, prob super inaccurate version of what just happened. At this point, he is Satan to me...so I can only imagine what I said.

Anyway, I tell her where I am and hang up. I am legit hysterical. My head is hurting. I am angry. I am hurt. This woman wasn't new. This woman was comfortable y'all. When he reacted to this whole "incident", he considered her. I saw it. It was too much. I sat in my car just shaking...trying to talk myself out of setting his house on fire. Seriously... The ONLY thing that stopped me was knowing that children lived in the unit above him...the children who stomp around and make so much more on those weekend mornings when he and I just wanted to sleep in. Those loud ass children kept me from making a super irrational decision that night.

I'm startled by a knock on my window. It's his friend's gf. She tells me to unlock the door. She gets in the passenger seat and just sits there, silently. I'm still crying. I can't make it stop. My head is racing. Then the other friend shows up. She gets in the car. We just sit there for a minute. Then my friend who missed the whole thing says "what the hell happened?"... I tell her...and finish with "My head hurts. My stomach hurts. I need a drink."

We all get in her car andride around North Newark looking for a bar. It's dark. It's late. Everything is closed. Then we see this little corner bar that seems to be open. We get out. We go in. There are all Hispanic men over 50 in this bar, y'all. I didn't care. They had liquor...lol I had shots and cocktails with these 2 til the bar was closed. I spilled my little heart out in there...to 2 women who weren't even THAT close to me...but in that moment I appreciated them. They let me vent and talked me down...well kinda... ...Because now, I'm angry AND upset AND still feeling stupid...and I've spent the last hour drinking continuously...

I decide I am going back to his house. They try to talk me out of it...but nah, I'm going back. I call his phone. He answers immediately. I tell him I'm coming back and he needs to be there and alone. I promise you in my head I was going back to that house to hurt him. I considered killing him...in real life. I thought of how I'd do it, how I could get away with it, how it'd make his mom and sister feel, how I'd explain it to Teagan...all that. SMH

We leave the bar and head back to his house. They wont let me go in alone. I ring the bell. He comes to the door. In that moment...something happened to me that I cant and wont ever be able to explain. In that moment, I needed him. So many times before I he had been the ONLY person to see me through bs and tough times. This time was no different. In that moment, I was searching for and anticipating comfort and consolation...from the very person who had just hurt me. SMH Why was I like that?!

I start yelling, crying and carrying on...and he tries to hold me. I'm fighting him...I want him not to touch me and I want him to hold me tighter...at the same... damn...time. Y'all... I was all messed up.

We go inside and he's giving me the same story and I'm so over hearing it. I zone out and I'm just wondering why I'm back at his house...seeking solace in the same man who had upset me in the first place. I got angry. I was back and forth between literally throwing blows and falling into his chest crying asking him why. The whole time my head is KILLING me.

Suddenly it's silent. For a while there's just me doing that "I just finished crying", sniffling thing lol Then he takes my jacket off of me, lays me down in his bed, takes my shoes off and just cuddles up next to me. He says he's sorry and that he never meant to hurt me like this and this isn't how he ever thought this would go. I fell asleep...in the arms of the same mf who I had just thrown jabs at...the same mf I seriously considered killing just hours before. I woke up the next morning and left silently.

I was violently ill for days. I learned then just how real "mind over matter" is. I had literally gotten physically SICK...because of mental and emotional pain. I also learned that you can not ever view someone the same after heartbreak. I learned that anyone is capable of anything and pedestals are for trophies, not people. I learned that everyone is just moments of hurt & anger away from a Snapped episode so I don't judge.

Fast forward to present time...fast forward pass months of personal growth and experience...fast forward pass a bunch of laughs and tough convos between us over the years... This guy is still one of the closest ppl to me. I still love him to death. I currently consider him a friend of mine. I just know I can't ever look at him THAT way again...and that's ok.

That #HurtBae video struck a nerve with me. No one is above being hurt. But when you're in a situation that is emotionally and mentally draining, get the hell out of it!

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szopenhauer · 5 years ago

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why aren’t you with your first love? my first female crush was hetero

were you sad when you heard about michael jackson’s death? no have you ever kissed an ex after you broke up? because we’re together again lol how long could you go without cursing? not long if I’m around people :x did anything annoy you today? mostly my computer and thunderstorm have you consumed alcohol in the past 24 hours? I don’t drink so obviously not have you ever kissed someone who’s last name started with an b? no what were you doing at 8am this morning? sleeping if you were kicked out of your house, where would you go first? I would try grandma and my gf probably maybe my sister? if none of those options would work then I’d be homeless what will you be doing in 3 hours? hopefully sleeping is tomorrow gonna be a good day? what are you going to do? doubt it, nothing much are you satisfied with your life as of now? am not are any of your friends taller than you? of course, I’m very short have you ever gone out of your way to make someone happy? shitload of times who was the last person you took a picture with? my dad or my gf do you wear a belt with every pair of jeans? I don’t wear jeans or belts where did you get the shirt you are wearing? got it from my sister as a gift the last two people you kissed, are they virgins? I only kissed one person in my entire life and that’s personal describe how you feel right now in one word? bad anybody tell you they miss you lately? my gf made a post about it if that counts are you closer to your father or mother? my dad what’s your relationship with the person you talked to last? she’s my mom do you say sorry first? often did you speak to your father today? yeah, like every day what locker number is yours? I never had a locker do you sleep on a certain side of the bed? my bed is too small to have sides do you prefer an ocean or a pool? pool, ocean is more scary do you shut off the water when you brush your teeth? yup do you sleep with your closet door opened or closed? my wardrobe is always closed are you capable of holding down a long-term relationship? we’ll see is there someone that you believe you will always be attached to? at least my father if your best friend made out with your boyfriend/ girlfriend, what would you do? my father? with my gf?... what is bothering you right now? ugh... do you think someone is thinking about you right now? sure do you like when people play with your hair? I don’t care much do you miss how things use to be with someone? absolutely

how are you doing today? sigh... sex ruins relationships, right? could say so

do you think it’s a bunch of bull shit when people say “i have no regrets”? I hate this kind of ppl, stay away! who got you the jewelry you’re wearing? I’m not wearing any jewelry atm do you get scared during scary movies? I usually get grossed out how do you feel right now? *shrug* is there anybody you wish you could be spending time with right now? I’m fine being alone do you like hugs? depends two days from today, where will you be? either home or or hospital... or dead are relationships ever really worth it? time will show do you miss your past? badly is the last person you kissed older than you? nope, almost 2 months younger what color shirt are you wearing? black and white stripes with a cat shaped UFO and a pug what do you currently hear right now? nothing, I can’t listen to music anymore because my mom is asleep and I don’t want to use my headphones what are you planning on doing after this? maybe another survey

are you gonna be home tonight? yup, unless smth bad will happen then I will go to ER - you never know name the first person you can think of that you know that has a tattoo? I’ve been talking about it today lmfao W. and S. had tattoos do you slam doors when you’re mad? might is your room messy or clean? organized mess do you tell your best friend everything? it’s not possible but I try my best do you think anyone has feelings for you? it seems did your last kiss take place on a bed? I don’t think so are you someone’s best friend? one of best friends, not the only one have you kissed anyone whose name starts with a z? my name starts with z

when you take surveys, are your answers inspired by the person’s before you? I basically never read their answers, can happen accidentally but it doesn’t change anything

are you a “fan” of a lot of things on facebook? been on my old account, that was one of the reasons I created new profile, the only thing I regret about that fact is losing my Criminal case progress :(

have you ever “spoken” to any celebrities via. twitter? Grimes

do you like croissants? noooo

do you get a lot of traffic outside your house or not? nah what does the last jacket you wore look like? blue plaid with grey hood, buttons and pockets

do you eat cereal bars? tried some in the past

are you on any prescribed medication? can’t take any meds currently

how often do you change your bedsheets? rarely because I’m allergic to most of detergents and then I have ever bigger problems with sleeping

if you haven’t already, are you scared of leaving home? if you have, do you like it? just a little

do you know how to look after yourself away from home? (budget, pay pills, feed yourself, cook, clean, do laundry etc.) not everything, I need to learn some stuff yet

do you drink a lot of juice? nope

what would you do if you found an abandoned baby on your doorstep, with a note asking you to keep it and take care of it? it’s illegal...

how many times have you moved in your life so far? 0

do you have a certain routine in the bath or shower? what is it? I bath my shoulders first (unless I wash my hair then my head goes first)

is there anything that you loved a year ago but just can’t stand now? food mostly

what do you do when people give you mixed messages? I try to find out the truth

would you ever eat kangaroo steak? ewww, hell no

is there a chalkboard or whiteboard anywhere in your house? I hate chalkboards, I have magnetic board tho

do you like dried fruit at all? what’s your favorite type? meh

how many times have you been to the ER? at least 3 times how has this past week been for you? complicated

when a friend walks out of your life, do you go after them or let them go? walks out HOW and WHY? what do people think about you that isn’t true? long story, dunno where should I even start, plenty of gossips to mention what do you think about internet best friends? why not? how many months until your birthday? half a year does it bother you when your friends bring up your past mistakes? I do that myself but at times it doesn’t make me laugh but hurts me if the year consisted of only one season, which would you choose? summer? if somebody liked you right now, what do you think is a cool way to tell you? I’m taken so if we’re not talking about my partner then I don’t think someone should tell me that when was the last time you cried really hard? yesterday, today only slightly and just once could you go out in public looking like you do now? yes last person you gave something to? parents do you believe that if you want something bad enough you’ll get it? pfft honestly, has anyone ever seen you in your underwear? well I was in hospitals, been visiting many doctors, went to school where we had PE, have a family and am in a relationship etc etc etc would you ever shave your head to save someone you love? that doesn’t really help when’s the next time you will kiss somebody? not soon, second half of the next month? how’s your heart lately? physically or emotionally? are you a jealous person? a bit do you wear the hood on your hoodie? sometimes can you successfully blow up and tie a balloon? doubt it where’s the weirdest place you’ve changed clothes? not sure which place was the weirdest what are you doing next week? no plans what was the first thing you thought this morning? I was thinking about my dream (me and some strangers were in an abandoned factory of some sort and there were dragons chasing us but I was escaping and even saved a little girl) would you rather have your nose or tongue pierced? nose ever stayed up all night on the phone? not whole night has the last person you kissed ever been mad at you? she was indeed does someone call and talk to you every night before you go to sleep? luckily not has the last person you kissed seen you cry? few times did anyone see your last kiss? we were one on one have you ever kissed someone who was high? I haven’t do you want to please everyone? no way, it’s not possible anyway anything interesting happen this week? mostly interesting bad

do you still talk to the person you last kissed? in general because at this very moment they’re busy would you kiss the last person you kissed again? we're going to what does that person look like? tall, curly hair, glasses, black clothes have you dated someone who wasn’t good to you? not that I deserve anything good but... would you ever cut your hair 6 inches shorter than it is now? I would be bald :o when was the last time it rained? today last person you cuddled with dies, are you sad? omg

have you ever helped a blind/visually impaired person to cross the road? there was no occassion

have you ever had a letter get lost in the mail, only to receive it months/years later? I sent a letter to my (now ex) friend and she never received it because someone stolen it

do you ever feel disconnected from everyone around you? kinda

have you ever had a stalker? more than once

have you ever had to look after someone’s pet when they were away on holiday? sorta

do you know anyone who works as an air hostess? someone I know wants to work as an air hostess but she’s studying

have you ever found something in your home which belonged to a previous owner? there was no previous owner

^ even if you haven’t, what would you do if you did? would you try and find the original owner? no idea

do you (or does anyone you know) tend to exaggerate any sign of sickness? looks like it

have you ever owned a pet goldfish? no fish, ever

were you ever bullied in primary school? not only primary

have you ever been into any kind of sex shop? online ones count?

when you go to church, do you light a candle for anyone? there were those coin turned on lamp candles in Ełk that I loved but they’re gone

are you/or is anyone you know a really good painter? no one is that good

would you be more inclined to give money to homeless people who play music as opposed to just sitting and begging? that’s true

have you ever traveled by train? if so, do you do it often? at least once a year

have you ever been diagnosed with any kind of heart condition? when I was born

are you homeschooled? if you went to regular highschool, do you think you’d have liked being taught at home? wish I was homeschooled

is one of your parents very much into diy? my mom likes diy but not obsessively

do you know of anyone who is/has been in a coma? -

do you like skimming stones? I suck at it

would you ever want to work in cafe, even if only temporarily? not even temporarily

how much would you to do to get back something which contained your most treasured memories? damn

do you know anyone who is afraid of butterflies? I heard K. is

have you ever been inside a lighthouse? I don’t recall do you have any money from different countries other than your own? several coins if you already have your license, how did you feel on the day of your test? I don’t have my license do you care if you buy things that are ‘made in china’ or not? I avoid buying some specific items that were made in china would you rather swim in the pool or play in a sprinkler? none, am against sprinklers actually if you get your pictures developed, or if you have in the past, do you keep the negatives or just throw them away? my mom kept them

where were you 2 hours ago? home

are you wearing socks right now? almost always

have you been to the movies in the last 5 days? not since high school who was the last person to hear you cry? more like saw that I cried/want to cry, not hear have you bought any clothing items in the last week? mother bought a crop top for me this day one thing you hate about yourself? can’t choose one, there’s more what are your plans for the day? day is over did you have fun today? moment what do you know about the future? that I’ll die someday as every other human being do you have a tan? honey skin is my tan during summer how old do you want to be when you have kids? I don’t want to have any kids! how do you like your soda? I don’t drink soda who was the last person to make you cry? myself? what day is tomorrow? Friday have you ever worn red lipstick? it was the only one I ever used

do you know who bonnie and clyde are? remind me of Sara

are you christian? I am

if so, have you ever read the entire bible? I guess

are you generally attracted to more outgoing and loud people or quiet and mysterious people? smth in between

have you ever cried because you couldn’t be with someone? that was dumb of me

could you ever see yourself going to those college parties, getting drunk, fucking some random person and getting an std? u can apparently get std without parties, drinking and sex

don’t you hate it when things are amazing in other people’s lives and you’re stuck in a hole? very

do you have problems with one - or both - of your parents? with one of them way more

do you sleep a lot? barely

do you like drinking water? whatever

have you ever been to a funeral? 1

do you like writing? when I have smth to write about

are you doing/did you do good in school? got worse with time

do you think moths are bad luck? whaaat? but they’re so pretty! :o

or do you not believe in supersitious stuff? I believe in some superstitions but like five of them or smth

will you date someone that’s not your race? I believe

i hope you aren’t racist… are you? am I? :(

have you ever made yourself throw up? disgusting, not able to do that

do you think you exercise enough? I don’t exercise

have you ever pierced something on your body, yourself? I’m not stupid

Have you ever listened to the same song on repeat for hours on end? that happened Do you like staying in hotels? hmm... Are musicals interesting or boring? annoying, besides Cats What is your favorite scent of incense? I don’t burn it

Can you tune a guitar by ear or do you need a tuner? need a tuner Do you like love songs? oh well...

Don’t you hate it when your eyes burn? it’s awful, got that problem last weeks Have you ever sex texted? I’ve sexted

Would you know who to talk to if you wanted weed? but I don’t want it Have you ever worn leather? fake What is your greatest fear? personal If you could kiss anyone right now, who would it be? my gf What perfume do you wear? none, I hate perfumes Do you smell good right now? I don’t think so What is your favorite energy drink? never tried any and don’t want to

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