#emotionally I feel like a raw nerve
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Huh. I think I'm having a prolonged anxiety attack. It's been going since last night
#It feels like there's a huge pressure on my chest and it feels like I can't get a full breath#emotionally I feel like a raw nerve#and mentally I've just been in this really weird floaty headspace#like an hour ago I offered a classmate a ride home cause we got let out early and the bus wouldn't come for another 45 min#and he said no that he was going to grab something to eat#and immediately my rejection sensitivity bullshit was like ''oh he hates you and your shitty car and that's why he said no''#and that's what made me stop and reflect cause that's not a proportional reaction#but like recognizing what this is is great and all but it doesn't stop the way my body is reacting#I mean it makes sense we're getting close to the end of term but normally my breakdowns happen after the semester's over#maybe it's cause I never decompressed from last semester#either way it's bullshit#I have an appointment at the clinic scheduled for tomorrow just in case this isn't an anxiety attack but I think that's what this is
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#running face first straight into every single rejection sensitive wall atm and it's so frustrating#like. can we just not do this rn brain? I'm too tired to deal with this on top of everything else#all it does is make me alienate myself from people I care about and make me feel like shit afterwards#and it doesn't fix any of the underlying issues either. (like. I've been upset about ppl not doing what I do)#(as in read all of my fic like I try to read all my friends' fic usually. but like.. not everyone can and not everyone wants to)#(but it's one of those irrational things of 'if they cared about me wouldn't they also try' even tho that's not a fair ask)#(and like.. most people don't read random fic for fandoms they're not even in so this is entirely stupid to be upset about)#(but here we are anyway)#just.. me. raw to the very nerve and too tired to fix anything that might help alleviate it#I just want to feel normal again. and like I have control over my emotional state#but between 'dude fucked up bc of his borderline being triggered by grief and letting out all his frustrations on me for weeks'#and 'other dude grieving but not processing and not even taking a break to figure out where he's at emotionally..#..therefore dropping all of his unprocessed baggage and his part of the group work right on top of me' I'm just having a heck of a month#and idk. it would have been nice to talk to sb about my fic even if it's older now and not the best perhaps#(doesn't help when everybody you know writes really great fic and you're just outside the door scribbling some ideas into the sand)#idk. usually I do better in disconnecting self-worth and accomplishments and stop myself before the comparisons with others start#but rn it's all too much and I'm drained and exhausted and nothing feels good or helps much at all.#anyway.#it is what is I guess. and what it is is fucked and I doubt it's gonna change anytime soon.#that's not me being unrealistic or depression talking. it's based on how things have progressed thus far#there's another year and a half of this kind of stress which will likely get worse when our group grows from 18 to 31 in October#and then I'd have to start working proper again which I haven't in over two years bc of all the rehabilitation I've been going through#and it's terrifying and I'm already exhausted and worn down and worn out and I just don't know how normal is ever gonna be my life again
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ok for a drew fic maybe you and drew are new parents and heâs all snappy cause itâs frustrating and he apologizes later that night or something idk itâs been on my mind a lot
Together
A/N: i wrote this last night and i was tired so i hope itâs not that bad. i tried my best
warnings: none just angst and fluff at the end
words: 1.9k
ââ
The atmosphere inside inside the house feels anything but bright. The soft, rhythmic sound of your baby girlâs breathing is the only thing that calms you as you sit on the edge of the bed in the guest room. Itâs quiet here, tucked away from the rest of the house, away from Drew.
Youâve been in here for hours, ever since his harsh words had cut through you like a knife, leaving you stunned and hurt. You hadnât expected it, hadnât seen it coming. It wasnât just what he saidâit was how he said it, the sharpness in his tone, the frustration that seemed to boil over into anger, directed at you when all you were trying to do was hold everything together.
âShe wonât stop crying, Y/N! Canât you just do something?â heâd snapped, his voice loud enough to startle the baby in your arms. Her cries had only gotten louder, and your heart had broken a little more with every word that came out of his mouth.
It wasnât fair. None of this was fair. You were both exhausted, both overwhelmed, but you were supposed to be in this together. You were supposed to be a team. And yet, when things got tough, instead of leaning on each other, it felt like he was pushing you away, like you were failing him somehow.
Youâd had enough. Youâd left the living room without a word, carrying your daughter with you as you retreated to the guest room. You didnât even look back to see if Drew was following. You couldnât bear to see the frustration on his face, couldnât handle the way his anger made you feel like you were completely alone in this.
The day passes slowly, each hour dragging on as you do your best to take care of your baby while keeping your distance from Drew. You hear him moving around the house, but he doesnât come near the guest room. Youâre not sure if heâs giving you space because he knows he crossed a line, or if heâs just too wrapped up in his own frustration to care. Either way, it hurts.
You spend most of the day in a haze, your emotions raw and close to the surface. Youâre exhausted, both physically and emotionally, and itâs all you can do to keep going. You feed the baby, change her, rock her to sleep when she gets fussy, but your mind keeps drifting back to Drew, to the way he snapped at you, the way he made you feel like you werenât doing enough.
By the time evening rolls around, youâre completely drained. Youâve barely eaten, barely slept, and your nerves are frayed to the point of breaking. The baby is finally asleep in the bassinet beside the bed, and youâre sitting there, staring at the wall, trying to hold back the tears that have been threatening to spill over all day.
And then thereâs a soft knock on the door.
You donât respond at first, hoping that whoever it is will just go away. But the knock comes again, a little louder this time, and you know itâs Drew. You can feel his presence even before he speaks, can sense the tension in the air as he waits for you to answer.
âY/N?â His voice is soft, hesitant, and it only makes the ache in your chest worse. âCan I come in?â
You stay silent, not sure if you even want to see him right now. Part of you wants to open the door, let him in, let him apologize, but another part of you is still too hurt, too angry to even look at him.
âPlease,â he says after a moment, his voice breaking slightly. âI need to talk to you.â
You close your eyes, taking a deep breath as you try to calm the storm of emotions swirling inside you. Finally, after what feels like an eternity, you get up and walk to the door, opening it just enough to see him standing there, looking more tired than youâve ever seen him.
His eyes are red-rimmed, his face pale, and thereâs a desperation in his expression that tugs at your heart even though youâre still angry. He looks like he hasnât slept in days, like the weight of everything is finally crashing down on him.
âIâm sorry,â he says immediately, his voice thick with emotion. âY/N, Iâm so, so sorry. I didnât mean to snap at you. I was frustrated and tired, but thatâs no excuse. Youâre doing everything you can, and I shouldnât have taken my anger out on you.â
You stay silent, watching him as he steps closer, his hands trembling slightly as he reaches out to you. He doesnât touch you, just holds his hands out, like heâs waiting for you to decide whether or not to let him in.
âIâm an idiot,â he continues when you donât say anything, his voice trembling. âI know I am. Iâve been walking around all day thinking about what I said, about how I made you feel, and I hate myself for it. Youâve been amazing, Y/N, and Iâve been a jerk. I should have been supporting you, not tearing you down. I donât deserve you.â
You can see the sincerity in his eyes, the regret thatâs written all over his face, and it makes your heart ache. But youâre still so hurt, so angry that he would snap at you like that, especially when youâre both going through the same thing.
âI didnât know what to do,â you finally whisper, your voice shaking as you struggle to keep your emotions in check. âIâm trying so hard, Drew. Iâm doing everything I can, and itâs still not enough. And then you yelled at me like I was the one failing. Do you know how that made me feel?â
He closes his eyes, a pained expression crossing his face. âI know,â he says quietly, his voice filled with regret. âI know, and I hate myself for it. You didnât deserve that. Youâre an amazing mother, Y/N. Youâre doing everything right. I was justâŠâ He pauses, taking a shaky breath. âI was just scared. I felt so helpless, and instead of dealing with that, I took it out on you. And Iâm so sorry.â
You stare at him for a long moment, your heart torn between the pain he caused and the love you still feel for him. He looks so broken, so desperate for your forgiveness, and you can see that he means every word. He knows he messed up, and heâs trying to make it right.
Finally, you let out a sigh, your shoulders slumping as the last of your anger starts to fade. âYou really hurt me, Drew,â you say softly, your voice trembling. âI needed you, and instead of being there for me, you pushed me away.â
âI know,â he whispers, his voice thick with guilt. âI know, and Iâm so sorry, Y/N. Iâll do anything to make it up to you. Just⊠please donât shut me out.â
For a long moment, you donât say anything, just looking at him, trying to decide if youâre ready to forgive him, if youâre ready to let go of the hurt and let him back in. And then, finally, you take a step forward, reaching out to him.
Heâs on you in an instant, pulling you into his arms, holding you tightly as if heâs afraid you might slip away. You can feel the tension in his body, the way heâs trembling slightly as he holds you, and it makes you realize just how scared heâs been, just how much heâs been hurting too.
âI love you,â he whispers into your hair, his voice thick with emotion. âI love you so much, baby. Iâm so sorry for what I said. Youâre everything to me. Please forgive me.â
You close your eyes, letting yourself sink into his embrace, letting his warmth and his love surround you. âI love you too,â you whisper back, your voice barely audible. âBut you canât talk to me like that again, Drew. Weâre supposed to be in this together.â
âWe are,â he promises, pulling back just enough to look into your eyes. âWe are, and Iâll do better. I promise, Y/N. Iâll be better.â
You nod, feeling a tear slip down your cheek as the last of your anger fades away, leaving only the love you have for him. He wipes the tear away with his thumb, his touch gentle, and then leans down to press a soft kiss to your lips, a kiss filled with all the love and regret heâs been holding inside.
When he pulls back, thereâs a small, hopeful smile on his face, and it makes your heart swell with affection. âCome back to our room,â he says softly, his voice almost pleading. âI donât want to sleep without you. I donât want to be apart anymore.â
You hesitate for a moment, looking back at the bassinet where your daughter is sleeping peacefully, but then you nod, taking his hand. âOkay,â you whisper, letting him lead you back to your room.
The house is quiet as you walk through the halls, the weight of the dayâs emotions starting to lift as you return to the familiarity of your shared space. Drew doesnât let go of your hand the entire time, holding onto you like youâre his lifeline, like heâs afraid to let you go.
When you reach your bedroom, he pulls you into his arms again, kissing you deeply, as if trying to convey all the things he couldnât say earlier. And you kiss him back, letting yourself get lost in the warmth of his embrace, the comfort of knowing that despite everything, youâre still in this together.
Finally, he pulls back, resting his forehead against yours as he takes a deep breath. âIâm going to do better, Y/N,â he whispers, his voice filled with determination. âIâm going to be the partner you deserve. Iâm going to be here for you, no matter what.â
You smile, a soft, tired smile, but one filled with hope. âWeâll figure it out,â you say softly, cupping his cheek with your hand. âTogether.â
âTogether,â he echoes, pressing a kiss to your forehead before leading you to the bed.
You both climb in, the exhaustion of the day finally catching up to you as you snuggle under the covers. Drew pulls you close, his arms wrapping around you as he holds you tightly, like he never wants to let you go.
And as you lay there, feeling the steady rise and fall of his chest, the warmth of his body against yours, you feel a sense of peace that you havenât felt in days. The road ahead might still be difficult, but you know that youâre not alone, that you have each other, and thatâs all that matters.
âI love you,â Drew whispers again, his voice barely audible as he starts to drift off to sleep.
âI love you too,â you whisper back, closing your eyes and letting yourself finally relax, finally let go of the dayâs tension.
As you fall asleep in his arms, you canât help but feel a sense of hope, a sense that no matter what challenges come your way, youâll be able to face them together.
ââ
ps: i have another drew fic coming soon get ready
#drew starkey imagine#drew starkey#drew starkey obx#drew starkey one shot#drew starkey fanfiction#drew starkey x reader#drew x reader#rafe cameron one shot#rafe cameron imagine
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THE CO-STAR PART 2
back to my main masterlist
pairing: actress!reader x jenna ortega
summary: the day after a tense kiss scene, Y/N and jenna ortega face awkwardness on set. jenna's avoidance creates discomfort, but a heartfelt conversation helps clarify the situation. jenna reveals she's dealing with personal issues, easing the tension and allowing them to start rebuilding their professional rapport.
warnings: personal and professional tension, emotion discomfort and awkwardness, strained relationships and personal issues which are not implied.
a/n: i posted this on wattpad to, i would appreciate it if you would go check it out :) loversxoxoxo.
part 1
The second day of filming after that infamous kiss scene was a tightrope walk between professionalism and personal tension. I arrived at the set, my stomach a knot of nerves, hoping the awkwardness from yesterday would fade into a distant memory. Instead, the atmosphere was thicker with discomfort than I'd anticipated.
Jenna had been distant since that intense scene. While we managed to exchange polite nods and forced smiles, every interaction felt strained, like an unspoken barrier had been erected between us. I caught her glancing my way occasionally, but whenever our eyes met, she quickly looked away, as if afraid to reveal whatever thoughts were tumbling through her head.
The day began with a quick wardrobe check. I tried to ignore the prickle of tension as Jenna walked in, her movements precise and focused. I offered a friendly âGood morning,â but she responded with a curt nod, her eyes already focused on the script in her hands. I followed suit, trying to bury my anxiety in the lines and stage directions.
Our first scene of the day was an emotionally charged dialogue. As Jenna and I took our positions, I couldnât help but notice how she maintained a physical distance, avoiding any inadvertent touches or brushes of our shoulders. It was odd, given that we had shared such an intimate scene yesterday, and now even the smallest gesture seemed to be scrutinized.
The scene played out with an almost mechanical efficiency, the rawness of yesterday replaced by a clinical detachment. After the director called âcut,â I tried to make small talk, hoping to bridge the gap that had formed. âThat was good, right?â I asked, offering a half-hearted smile.
Jennaâs response was a brief, âYeah. It was fine.â She didnât elaborate, and the silence that followed felt heavier than the lines we had just delivered. I wanted to ask her if everything was okay, but the look she gave meâhalf guarded, half apprehensiveâmade me hesitate.
Later, during a break, I watched as Jenna mingled with the rest of the cast and crew. She seemed engaged and animated with them, but when it came to me, she was avoidant. I understood, of course, that the kiss scene had been charged, but I didnât expect the fallout to be so personal.
As the day wore on, I found myself increasingly disheartened. Jennaâs avoidance left me feeling exposed and uncertain, wondering if I had somehow crossed a line or made a mistake. The directors and crew members went about their work with the usual efficiency, but I was preoccupied with Jennaâs discomfort and my own lingering embarrassment.
During one particularly long stretch of waiting, I sat alone in the green room, trying to focus on my lines. Jenna walked in, and for a moment, our eyes met. I saw a flicker of somethingâregret, perhapsâbefore she turned her gaze away and took a seat on the opposite side of the room.
I took a deep breath and decided to approach her. It was a risk, but I needed to clear the air. âJenna, can we talk for a minute?â I asked softly.
She looked up, her expression a mixture of surprise and wariness. âSure,â she replied quietly.
I sat down across from her, the distance between us palpable. âI know things have been a bit tense since yesterday, and I just wanted to make sure everythingâs okay. I mean, if I did somethingââ
âNo, itâs not you,â Jenna interrupted, her voice steady but tinged with fatigue. âItâs just... Iâve been dealing with some stuff on my own. Itâs been hard to separate personal feelings from work lately.â
I nodded, trying to process her words. âI get that. I just didnât want you to feel uncomfortable. Our scenes are really important to me, and I want them to be as authentic as possible.â
Jenna looked relieved, though still uncertain. âI appreciate that. I do. Itâs just been... a lot. Iâll try to do better. Itâs not about you.â
We shared a tentative smile, the unspoken understanding bringing a measure of relief. It wasnât a complete resolution, but it was a start. As we returned to our respective places on set, the atmosphere felt a little lighter. We still had a long way to go, but acknowledging the tension was the first step towards mending our strained relationship.
As the day progressed, Jenna and I managed to find a new rhythm. It wasnât perfect, but it was progress. The scenes felt less mechanical and more genuine, and I clung to that as a sign that we might, with time, navigate this awkward period and find our way back to a more comfortable place. Even be somewhat friendsâŠ
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Bad Idea, Right?
Summary: You know this is a bad idea, but fuck it, it's fine.
Warnings/Explicit 18+: Smut - this is just all smut. Unprotected P in V sex. Vaginal fingering. Dirty talk. Dean being a cocky little shit. Dean being fundamentally irresistible.
Pairings: Dean Winchester x Reader (You)
Word Count: 1,317
A/N: So, Bad Idea, Right? by Olivia Rodrigo (fabulous song, give it a listen!) came on earlier, and this little scenario just popped into my head.
P.S. I wrote this quickly - so sorry for any mistakes!
Dean Winchester Master List || Main Master List || Tag Lists
The phone rang six times before you finally dragged your eyes open to groan and grope for the buzzing, trilling device on your bedside table.
You looked at the caller ID and were instantly awake and pissed. You sent the call to voicemail and dropped your phone on the bed beside you.Â
But seconds later it was making noise again, so you angrily swiped your phone open just long enough to bark out a few words.
âGo to hell, Winchester. Stop calling me. I told you last time, weâre done.â
You hung up without hearing a word from him. You knew why he was calling, and you weren't interested.
Liar.
Your internal voice was always brutally honest with you, so you conceded that okay, yes, you were always going to be interested in a booty call from Dean Winchester, aka Walking Sex.
But you swore the last time that it was, well, the last time.
The two of you had already tried dating years ago, but it ended badly. You were both too much alike, stubborn and incapable of explaining your feelings to one another. You were pretty sure you loved him, but when you imagined telling him that, it felt like you were exposing a raw nerve.Â
And it wasnât as if Dean was the most emotionally available person, so between the two of you there had been an abundance of heat and acrobatic sex followed by fighting and more make up sex, but since that didnât really translate to a healthy relationship, youâd both agreed to end it.
But even though you broke up over a year ago, youâd never quite managed to quit each other. Every month or so one of you called up the other, and no matter what you told yourself, that you were just gonna hang out, just gonna talk about the hunts you'd been on, inevitably, the night always ended with the two of you falling into bed for a night of extraordinary sex.Â
You knew it was unhealthy, though, so youâd told him the last time that you were through, that this couldnât keep happening. The conversation had devolved quickly and exploded into a massive fight that ended with him slamming out of your hotel room with just his unbuttoned jeans tugged up over his hips, dragging his shirt, shoes and jacket with him.
But now here he was at three in the morning calling again and again.Â
And again! You thought angrily as your phone started buzzing once more.
You picked it up and swiped it open, drawing in a big breath to yell at him, but he spoke before you had the chance and his deep voice already had your stomach swooping and your resolve wavering.
âSweetheart, just hear me out. I know what you said last time, and I know itâs a bad idea, but fuck baby, I just need you. Need to feel you moving against me, clenching so tight around me. Itâs been too fucking long and I miss the taste of you.â
You tried desperately to hang on to your anger, but it was melting fast beneath the onslaught of need coursing through you.
Likely knowing he already had the upper hand, Dean continued. âLet me come over and make you feel good. You know you miss me too.â
Even as your head screamed at you to hang up, you heard yourself caving. âGet here in fifteen minutes or the chance is gone.â You said, knowing that even that was a lie.
But Dean hung up without another word and ten minutes later you heard the Impala squeal into your driveway. That sound alone left you dripping in anticipation.Â
He didnât even have the chance to knock, because you wrenched open the door as he bounded up your porch steps.
âThis is a bad idea, right?â You asked pointlessly.Â
But Dean nodded. âYeah probably.â
You stood staring at each other for a heartbeat before you shook your head and leapt at him. âFuck it, itâs fine.â
Dean was already pulling off your clothes as he pushed you back into your house and slammed the door behind him. You pushed his flannel off his shoulders, and yanked at his t-shirt as he got your pajama shorts off and then ripped off your tank top.
He growled as he lifted you so you could wrap your legs around his waist. He dipped his head down to suck your pebbled nipple into his mouth, drawing deeply and making you throw your head back with a shout of pleasure.
He set you on your kitchen table so he could kick off his boots and push down his jeans. He wasnât wearing underwear and for some reason that realization made you feral.Â
He swept two of his thick fingers through your slit, groaning at the dripping mess he found. He brought his sticky fingers to his lips and sucked your juices from the tips.Â
âSo fucking delicious baby. Iâm gonna need to feast on you later, but right now all I can think about is getting my cock buried so fucking deep into that sweet pussy that you feel me for days, maybe even weeks.âÂ
His filthy words always drove you crazy. Listening to his deep, gruff voice as he described everything he was going to do to you, had made you come untouched more than once.
He slipped his fingers back into your slick, burying them inside you this time and scissoring you open, before sliding in and out of you a few times with a wet squelching sound. Then he curled his fingers forward like he was beckoning you to him, hitting your sweet spot perfectly, pressing and rubbing until you were writhing on the table and begging for him.
âDean, please, just give it to me.â
âYeah baby? You want it?â Dean asked with a smirk that made you wanna smack him a little.Â
âYeah, jackass! Why do you think youâre here?â You shouted at him breathlessly.
âKnew you were needing this big cock, knew you couldnât go without me any more than I could go without you.â
He suddenly drove himself all the way into your heat with one thrust, ripping a pleasured scream from your throat. You clung to his shoulders, digging your nails into his hard, straining muscles as you both looked down to watch his thick cock slide in and out of your cunt, opening you up again and again.
You dropped back onto your elbows, head thrown back, as Dean lifted your hips off the table so he could drive in deeper.
âJesus fuck!â Dean ground out. âYou take me so fucking good, baby. Never had anybody take my cock like you do, so perfectly, clenching around me so goddamn tight.âÂ
As you squeezed him hard again, he sucked in his breath on a hiss and continued to pound into you, shaking the table and drawing endless, keening moans from deep inside your chest. Finally, he slammed into you hard and deep, hitting your sweet spot again and pushing you over the edge. With a high-pitched cry, you clamped down on his cock, making him shout out your name as he fucked you through your orgasm and into his own.Â
He let your hips drop back onto the table and his softening dick slipped out of you. But he pushed it back inside and began nibbling on your breasts as he breathed out his words against your skin.
âI wanna feel you around me for a little longer, feel the way those little shuddering aftershocks of yours send electricity shooting straight through me.â He slid his hand to your clit and began rubbing you. âGonna make you come over and over while Iâm inside you, get me hard all over again.â
All you could do was moan and scratch your nails across his shoulders as the pleasure built deep inside you once more. A weak voice echoed in the back of your head reminding you this was a bad idea. But you just ignored it.
Fuck it, itâs fine.
Jensen RPF and Any/All Characters: @lyarr24 @lacilou @deans-spinster-witch @globetrotter28 @suckitands33
@alwaystiredandconfused @evznackles @jackles010378 @impala67rollingthroughtown @krazykelly
@candy-coated-misery0731 @envyaurora95 @spnwoman @deans-baby-momma @luvr4miya
@arcannaa @viviwatchestv @winharry @ladysparkles78 @kr804573
Dean Fics Only: @roonthelittlespoon920 @slamminmine @zepskies @safiyas-world @aylacavebear
Any/All Fics Regardless of Character or Fandom: @kazsrm67 @slut-for-evans-stan @sexyvixen7 @nancymcl @hobby27
@waywardcheshire
Everything Incl. Fan Edits: @k-slla @leigh70 @eevvvaa @kickingitwithkirk @foxyjwls007
@notinthislife50 @roseblue373 @mishkatelwarriorgoddess @avanatural @mrsjenniferwinchester
@all-alone-he-turns-to-stone @deangirl96 @stoneyggirl2
#dean x reader#dean x you#dean winchester smut#dean winchester one shot#dean winchester fan fic#dean winchester fan fiction
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soccer family Miguel meeting wifeâs family for the first time and vice versa?
Oh dear. What a bumpy ride. đ
Bit of angst in the end. (Will do her meeting his family later, don't worry ~)
Pt 2 here
Teeth pulled at the inner soft skin on your lips, chewing and biting away the waves of raw anxiety that washed over you.
"Stop that. You'll hurt yourself."
Miguel mumbled as he drove to your family's home. It was an unsettling surprise for you to know that your family wanted to meet him. But what truly surprised you was the fact that they knew.
Ever since you moved out from your family's home at 18, many things stopped happening. Fights, verbal and emotional abuse that went both ways, the constant comparison to your other same age family members and you, and of course, you being pushed around and invalidated.
College was a different kind of freedom for you. And the start of a new life without them. You barely visited them, even skipped the most important holidays to be away from them. In a way, it was thanks to that that you met Jessica. She had been a wonderful support on your life.
"I know... just-"
His large hand covered yours to then give a kiss on the back of your palm
"You'll be fine. And if you don't feel comfortable enough, we can go."
"I'm uncomfortable already and we haven't even arrived yet."
"They can't be that bad"
You deadpanned and sighed.
"CorazĂłn, look. I know family's difficult. I really do, but a couple of hours won't kill you. It's a good chance to prove them wrong."
"I've got nothing to prove them, Miguel."
"Right. Still, won't be a bad idea for them to see you doing fine. Talvez asi se callan el hocico y te dejan en paz" (Maybe that way they'll shut the fuck up and leave you alone)
You giggled at his words.
In truth was that you told him everything, it was sort of sad yet amusing that you bonded over trauma sharing. It was a mutual catharsis that somehow ended up strengthening your relationship. He didn't know them, but for the things you had shared with him, he knew he'd be curt and polite.
You'd warn him about their modus operandi. They'd present themselves as kind and welcoming, but bit by bit the snide and passive aggressive remarks and comments would show up. You had hope that after years of barely visiting they'd change.
Something you were about to find out as he parked outside the colonial looking home.
"No matter what, stay away from the Horchata. My auntie thinks she is good at it but... it's yuck."
He chuckled and soon, you'd get out the car. Miguel rubbed your shoulders soothingly in an attempt to ease your restless nerves.
----
"Buenas gente" (Hey, People)
One of your elder aunts, the only one you truly liked and always supported you back in college came to greet you with a loving hug, "Mija!"
"Hola tĂa" (Hey auntie)
You hugged her back and mumbled a quick 'I missed you' before letting Miguel come into view.
"TĂa, This is Miguel. My boyfriend."
Auntie gasped at the sheer size of him but gave him a gentle smile.
"Nice to meet you, mijo."
"El gusto es mĂo, madrecita" (The pleasure is mine)
"Oh! He speaks Spanish!"
The two shared a brief laugh as auntie invited you further. With a hand Miguel held a small present, a bottle of your dad's favorite rum and bunch of roses for your mother. and the other one he held your hand.
It seemed like a regular carneada for him, except that this time there wasn't meats to roast, but soup. Your mom's special seafood soup that was only done in special occasions. You could tell it would be difficult to leave emotionally unscathed when your mom and dad, three aunties, two cousins, and your brother were there.
Upon you making an appearance before all of them, the world stopped for a second, your breath was caught in your throat as you mentally prepared for the game of pretense.
"Mi niña! Come here!"
Your dad followed by your brother made the first ones in making an approach. The size difference sure was shocking for them all. Your father and brother had to crane his head up to see Miguel.
"¿Qué tal? Un gusto conocerte." (How's it going? Nice to meet you)
Miguel shook his hand with him firmly, something your dad approved. And then Miguel handed the packaged rum to him.
He had explained how you'd told him about his favorite drink. Your dad invited you and introduced Miguel to the whole family.
Some of your cousins oggled him shamelessly. Earning a frown from you.
However the biggest challenge laid ahead. Your mother had been watching both from afar, tending to the food with some of your aunties.
And when it was her time to be greeted, you held tighter on his hand. His thumb rubbing on your skin, reassuring.
You'll be fine.
"MamĂĄ" You mumbled and her so ever deep stare settled on Miguel. Not even in you first, but Miguel.
"Fo you, Ma'am" Miguel gave her the roses which she took with a strained smile.
"Thank you very much. Miguel was it, right?"
"AsĂ es." (Correct)
"Are you hungry? Made your favorite soup."
Her stalking gaze shifted between Miguel and you.
"Thanks. A bit would be nice."
"Hm. Go sit, Miguel. We'll tend to this."
Her gaze returned to the food and you nodded at him. He wasn't comfortable with the idea to just sit and watch. But by the things you had told him, it was better to not create unnecessary drama for you.
-----
Everyone seemed at the expectance of something happening between you and your mother. Your brother was trying to make casual conversation with Miguel, but his curt and simple answers made him desist. Plus, it didn't help his mahogany eyes seemed lighter.
If they were nervous about him looking so big with deep red eyes, they'd surely freak out by his fangs. It instantly made your stomach churn, you knew Miguel didn't appreciate people pointing at his insecurities so brazenly, even worse without knowing him.
Everyone sat down, a little blessing before anything and soon the feast begun.
Of course, eyes were settled on both of you and your interactions. Miguel followed your instructions to then help you break the crab.
One of your aunties smiled at it.
"So, Miguel, where do you work?"
Here we go
"Lab Manager at Alchemax."
Your brother whistled and nodded approvingly, just like your father.
Your relationships with him sure was strained, but at least he seemed to have a bit more self criterion than the rest when it came to pick sides. You'd rather him neutral. Just like your dad.
"Wow, you surely outdid yourself this time, cariño."
That cariño sat sickly fake in your stomach. She was the one that always instigated the fights further when you thought everything would calm down. You didn't smile, just ate.
Miguel was given a beer, a round of collective gasps as he tried to open the beer with his fangs. Your other auntie made a cross sign on herself and your mother's eyes widened.
A custom you still couldn't get out of him.
"Do they hurt?"
"How does one get those? They look so cool!"
"Are they comfortable?"
Your eyes caught the glimpse of him tightening his grip on the spoon.
"Ya pues!" (Knock it off!)
"There is no need to yell"
Silence immediately came to the table as your gaze and your mother's clashed.
"Disculpa eso, Miguel." (Im sorry for that, Miguel)
your dad shook his head at your cousins.
"Do you plan on having kids?"
You couldn't help but hide your face in your palm.
"MamĂĄ, stop."
"What? I just wanna know! You're getting old enough to have kids. And Emanuel is always asking about you."
"We haven't discussed it yet." Miguel cleaned his hands with lemon, rinsing away the fishy smell out of his fingers. The coldness in his voice only matched your mom's icy stare.
"Oh."
"But do you want to have kids, Miguel?"
"Dios mĂo, ma! Ya basta." (My god, Mom! Enough.)
"Why are you so mad over a question?"
Miguel's jaw clenched. It made sense for him why you didn't visit. The way you rolled your eyes, made the ones that had finished already to stand up and leave. Their cue to leave things unfold.
Your elder auntie seized your mom with a glare. Your dad only recoiled to himself and your brother sighed.
"Ma, eso no se pregunta." The only attempt of him to calm the boiling tension between the two. (Mom, you don't ask such things)
Miguel gave you a 'do you wanna go now' stare. And you shook your head. Leaving would only make things worse. But you found the perfect excuse to leave the table.
"Need help, mi amor?"
"Sure."
He was perceptive to pick up your cues, the both cleared up the table and took the dishes to the sink.
---
"I'm so sorry you had to put up with it." You mumbled as you washed and he dried. The kitchen felt tiny for him.
"S'fine."
"Are you mad?"
"A bit uncomfortable. But no, not mad."
"We're leaving after we're done here." a deep sigh escaped your lips, "This is exactly why I don't come here."
"Whose Emanuel?" You groaned and shook your head.
"A man mom thought it was fun to pair me with a long time ago. I never indulged him but he never got the memo ever since I left this place"
"Sounds like he never got over you."
"Yeah, cause mom kept feeding his hopes of me getting with him together."
"Is that why you moved out?"
"One of the reasons, yeah."
You finished the dishes and Miguel excused himself to the bathroom.
He could hear the voices from the other side. One of your aunts surely and your mom.
"I give them a year."
"Did you see his... fangs? I've never seen something like that! And his eyes too!"
"Esta niña... Me va a sacar canas verdes. From all The guys she could pick, she gets one that is twice her size. Why she can't pick up normal guys?" (This girl, will get me green hairs)
Miguel's eyes turned apprehensive as his mouth settled in a straight line.
He had to hunch over the sink to take a look of himself in the mirror. He looked pretty normal, by any standards, until of course, he smiled. Pointy canines bigger than the average people stood out the most. His eyes were a different shade of brown. That was all.
He was fine.
He was normal.
He knew things like this would happen, he expected a bit of trouble. Not this.
His head felt heavy. Sudden spiral thoughts plagued his mind, corrupting the good things he held dear in his mind.
"As long as he's rich, don't care."
"Emanuel's surely richer than him"
That was the final straw. He knew you weren't that type of woman. Hell, you had invited him multiple times, knowing that you'd get broke for a couple of weeks. And still did it anyways. You loved to pamper him.
Why?
His steps guided him back to you. You were stressed and surely would cry at night. But so far you were keeping it together.
Your heart sunk a bit when looking at him. Neither of the both could stand being a second longer in the house. He followed you as you said your goodbyes. You didn't hug none but your elder aunt, and your dad, though the latter got an awkward hug.
You went back home. Neither of you said much during the trip back.
#miguel o'hara#miguel o'hara x reader#miguel o'hara x you#atsv miguel#soccer family âœđ·ïž#t writesâš#Pre Soccer Family âœđ·ïž
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re: anon who asked about how to cope/exist around conservative family. i wish i had answers to give you. i really do. but honestly its still a massive issue in my personal life that often leaves me feeling like my head is just barely keeping above water. i also still live with my parents, with no tangible means of leaving anytime soon. it's way too raw to openly get into details, and everything i've tried to write about this has felt like pummeling a live nerve. for my sanity i live as physically + emotionally withdrawn from my family as i can be, but isolation is the very last thing you want to do. so genuinely the best and maybe only advice i can give is to spend more time with friends. that's it. ideally real life friends who you can sit in peace with and trust and rely on. even if it starts with one or two people. build a support network that has nothing to do with your family. find a place (or places) you can go to outside your home to hang out and just be yourself. and try your best to be okay with keeping secrets. even about the best parts of yourself. its painful. but you are not selfish for doing so. i sincerely hope you can find a space to breathe. i sincerely hope it gets better. i'm sorry i can't offer more.
#been honestly really sad that i haven't been able to tell a single person in all my family about my book that i am so so so proud of writing#but ive been taking it day by day and trying to focus on the good things. the little things.#and being grateful for my wonderful supportive friends#its hard as hell and recent family events have made this even harder#but we keep going. thats all we can do. we keep going
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Learn by Doing
((Banner by me! I don't own Horikoshi's work or Hirune's gorgeous art))
Pairing: Aizawa x reader (American!Pro Hero (fem)reader)
Words: 4.4k
Rating: T+
Warnings: ANGST/COMFORT, canon-typical fights mentioned, light injuries, minimal pronouns used, big feelings turned big confessions, reader is not very demure/mindful in this one and that's refreshing to me, Hizashi Yamada is a good friend, emotionally constipated Aizawa needs a hug
Summary:
Youâre in trouble with just about everyone, in some way. Mixed reviews at best⊠but no doubt in trouble with your agency, the damage control unit, and most notablyâ Shouta Aizawa. You can look the President of the Hero Public Safety Commission in the face should you ever royally mess up; but not a disappointed âZawa.Â
In the moment, you expect to have to avert your sights from his trademark flat look of disapproval. But instead, you are honed inâ finding him more raw than ever before. Turns out, Aizawa wasnât just angry: heâs scared. Heâs an angry crier, and that scares you straight.Â
A/N: Omg I've been sitting proofing this one for so long, trying to get it right, until... i just needed to release it to the hounds of the internet. Just some friendly neighborhood AngstZawa for your viewing pleasure.
For my My Hero Academia Masterlist, check it out here!
Read on Ao3
Back in your beloved UA building, you expect Shouta Aizawa to start up the lecture youâre due for, but still- nothing from him.Â
No word when you rejoined the team outside the raided building. No word when you received mixed praises of success from your superiors: who might have given all glowing remarks if it wasnât for your unorthodox way of earning them that had them worried there for a moment. Thereâd be more investigation and potentially some penalties for tonightâs actions, even if the result was overwhelmingly positive. Though through each step of your mission debrief, Aizawa was dead quiet.
Not a single word from him -even out of comfort- when you got checked over by the medics on site, and nothing still on your drive back to UA courtesy of an equally tense Hizashi Yamada, who could no doubt feel âthe energy of the studioâ tonight.
Hizashi looked at you sympathetically between the surface level chatter you two share in the car. Behind his aloofness behind the wheel, you gathered there wasnât much he could say to appease the storm that he knew might be looming behind Aizawaâs nearly shut eyes. Per usual, said hero remained like a mouse in the backseat, his silence blaring loud. The twinkle in Hizashiâs eyes offered only the unspoken wish that youâd be patient and keep your pretty chin up. You relied on this energy, because it stems from a lifetime of knowing Shouta Aizawa and carries confidence, and have to trust in that history- even if you held a healthy amount of nerves from his silence that youâre certain is burning a hole into the back of your head in the car.
âZashi would ordinarily have said a quick âgood luckâ once you parked⊠if âZawa wasnât waiting right outside your door, for you. This time, you merely gave a muted word of thanks and got on your way from the passengerâs seat.
The uncomfortable quiet remains when Yamada heads to the teacherâs lounge while you and your co-teacher head back to the dorms to check on the students and head to bed yourselves. However, when Aizawa veered to the South A tower -toward his classroom- he paused and checked for you in his peripheralâ the unspoken command to follow rings loud and clear.
Even though you obeyed with a step behind him, your spirit was hardly calm like the night air around you. Aggravated by your still present headache, your pulse keeps thumping in your ears as you step through the still, minimally-lit hall.Â
Aizawa opened the door to his room, holding it for you, while turning his head back down the hallway- away from your face as if he couldnât spare the glance.Â
God, this silent treatment. Itâs juvenile, youâd think, if he didnât radiate so much stern control that unnerved even the most upright student.
But the minute the door closes with his lock to seal you both in, Aizawaâs trademark drone returnsâ lethal as ever.
âYou've sure got a lot of nerve, Miss America.â
Finally.Â
You can take the dig at what reputation precedes you. At the end of the day, Aizawa tends to hear you out, no matter the tone, so youâre simply glad to be on talking terms again.
âŠbut that doesnât mean youâre entirely passive. Youâre known for your sugar and spice. Unable to curb your attitude, you make no attempt to hide how much his pouting annoyed you,Â
âHad enough of my chatty time-out, huh?â
âI find berating anyone when theyâre already down to be cruel and ineffective,â Aizawa merely shrugs his coat off, then nods to the desks facing him at the front of the classroom. âBut to say you don't need to get a firm talking-to would be delusional.â
The knocking around you received is a wound enough, so youâre thankful he doesn't mean to pour lemon juice right on it with a snappy reflex of âyou should have been more carefulâ, with regards to your scrapes. But quite the long debrief awaits you now, nonetheless.
No, you know the events that got you to the point of overextension and liability must have been the bigger concern:Â
"Look I get it,â you finally settle on the lip of the desk, Young Ojiroâs. âTo you, that was a hothead move. But I've been around the block with ops like this, itâs far from my first...âÂ
You stress that your ânerveâ was not misplaced while Aizawa rounds his desk to loosen and stow his capture weapon.
â-but you saw on those cameras, they were teetering Iseri and Koshito too close to the edge- I couldn't just--"
"Both of whom are plenty prepared for these situations."
âBut theyâre kids-â
âThey graduated four years ago, and have been in the pro circuit for the last three. They're not UA students anymore, and certainly not our direct reports. Those were the roles assigned in the mission terms, and you signed them.â
The shortness in Aizawaâs voice ignites so many things in you. Namely, outrage. Being shut down and interrupted has been -and continues to be- a big temper trigger for you.
But you remember, above everything else you know of the teacher: facts over feelings is the tactic thatâs going to land with him. You had to lean into the rational side of things in order to explain yourself.Â
The truth was, you were afraid he wouldn't trust you again.Â
Over the last two years, you've trained with these students together. This yearâs class is particularly promising -and challenging- due to the ridiculous amount of villain interferences you've faced as a staff⊠that you've faced together. More than any other sidekick, any other partner, Aizawa has been your anchor in all the ways that matter- even those unspoken.
Thankfully heâs in a listening mood now, and you hope itâs enough of an opening to talk this out. Since reapplying some eyedrops, Aizawa is solely set on figuring out what was wrong with his goggles. Heâd gotten smacked around a good bit, too, though not as harsley as you. Heâs scraped along his good cheek just a touch from a square hit to the face, though the poor lackey who chose to come at him with cheap moves didn't fare as gently.Â
You train your volume down a pitch, seeking out a more tender part of the man before you. A still, small hope holds true that he could follow your line of reason enough to not dismiss you entirely. You couldn't bear that thought.Â
"You trusted my judgment and I clearly see that I broke that... but I did nothing to put anyone at risk outside of myself, and when I see another way that can spare others, I take it. Without the visual outside, without any signal, I couldn't see any other ways to follow the plan, or else I would have done it,â
You press on, joining him in front of his desk now. Things are improved, him speaking to you, but not perfect. Heâs not looked you in the eye in hours. So, youâd make yourself impossible to ignore.Â
âI went off-book, and I acknowledge that. But please know that I donât go rogue for nothing. Not because I feel like it, certainly!â
Still, no response.Â
You flick at the still itchy residue from the butterfly bandages stretched taught at your temple and cheekbone.Â
âYou see this and think that's bad.. Imagine watching me pulling moves like that five years ago when I thought I was hot shit, nâwhere that would have gotten meâŠâ
Aizawaâs jaw worked as he clasped and unclasped the hinge on his specs.
Unnecessary; theyâre not broken badly. Anxious? Surely not.
âAizawa, please say som-"
The goggles resound with plastic clatter on the table; its owner rounded the corner with blazing irises, and not one lit by any quirk.Â
Aizawa in all his intimidating glory came close fast while leaving a deskâs distance between you, his eyes turning from anger- to fear- to utter heartbreak.
"There were other plans. There will always be alternatives. Solutions that donât involve anyone, if youâd just slow down for a second to think.âÂ
âWhat solutions?!â
âThey called Oversight in- who brought drones. He was on call the whole time,â Aizawa fired anger in short, perfect jabs, âOr did you âforgetâ reading that, too?â
Youâre put on notice quick.
âWhâ he was?â
âHe took point on leveling tactics for the building. The city came with artificial reinforcements, too- diversions he created and leased to them for reconnaissance, tech designed to work on command without room for any human error,â Aizawa finally grits out his impeccable perspective,Â
âWe knew your radio went down, and we knew we had to get you help or else you'd be blind, so we called in  failsafesâ but your blasting through going a mile a minute the moment we lost contact was far from rational. You didnât even give us a chance to try and help.â
Shame bubbles where indignancy once filled you.Â
You speed-read through the mission brief- overly confident, perhaps, and missed- -honestly, a key detail that might have changed everything. Youâre clearly not used to serving on a team this large, this wide of a support net, and it shows. Hyper-independence was costly now.
â...I.. didn't hear that.â
âNo you didn't,â Aizawa answered cooly and aired his grievances further,
âYou look at what's right in front of you, but you've got these blinders on, and that's one of the most dangerous things you can do in battle. Youâre part of a team now, but youâre still acting like a vigilante. Thatâs reckless, no matter how seasoned you are. Think about Kaminari: you think he doesnât look around before he sets off thousands upon thousands of volts in every direction before he acts? Or that Todoroki doesnât consider if his ice is going to freeze out any bystanders or harm himself in the process? Each one of their actions can be costly: to those around them, and themselves.â
You swallow your idealistic pride beating beneath your chest, because you know heâs right.Â
On that exposed open platform of the building, youâd been so worried about who had been close to the edge, that you tried to divert all attention to yourself in order to get them away from that precipice.
Your actions, your âdiversionâ resulted in a tousle that: yes, gave the younger rookies a better chance at a safe exit, but landed you square in the trap yourself, and in limited range to the still-fighting thug who was not just caught, but pissed. Youâd also created more work for the Net Hero below to cast a gridlock wide enough to grab the villain effectively.Â
As a long-distance fighter, those were poor odds you subjected yourself to. Youâre lucky to have gotten out as smoothly as you have.
âI know that. And I am sorryââ you gestured to your own new set of blooming bruises for good measure, â-- and Iâd like to think Iâve learned my lesson⊠Thatâs how you say your students learn best, right? âLearn by doing, learn what stingsâ?â
âAizawaâs upper lip jolts in a scowl. Wrong thing to say.
âThatâs not a win,â Aizawa threatens lowly. âNo one in their right mind would be celebrating something like this. Injuries happen, but they shouldn't be needless.â
You wince, torn between guilt and annoyance again.Â
âYeah, well, I get itâs needless now, but I didnât know what I didnât know. At some point, we have to call mistakes what they are, and leave it, right?âÂ
âThis is too important to drop,â Aizawa growls, âand I wonât, until I know you understand. This isnât a test, this isnât for a grade. This is serious. Youâre getting hurt over it.â
Your defense was wearing thin, but you stood your ground. A more sassier remark would have been along the lines of dooming yourself to the âstupid Americansâ club till youâre inevitably deported- but that would be too emotional of a response, and not helpful. A foolâs hope was all you could carry now.Â
You studied Aizawa for anything that would level out his respect for you- praying he held any. âyou square yourself before him after as deep a breath as your winded lungs can give youâÂ
âI was wrong,â you pressed the point once again, âI overlooked key information that would have impacted my actions. I can -and will- learn from this and do better, and even do my part in meeting with more of our allies so I can work with them, not around them. Get all the information, and actually use it... And I donât have to stick my dumb ass out on the line like a rookie, with shit like that.â
Aizawa agrees, but doesnât look altogether happy about your apology.
âAny of those steps would have sufficed- if you truly couldnât stick to the planâŠâ
Youâre waiting for a final lesson learned, but receive a strange pang of emotion from Aizawaâs firmly set stareâ
âBut plans may still fail. Youâre going to have to go off-book, itâs inevitable. Iâm not slighting you for that. But if thereâs one thing you have to keep at the front of your mind, it's that thereâs only one you.â
Youâve been guarded this year. On edge, day after day, by threat of attack at all hours. You accepted this role as a teacher to help bolster the facultyâs support staff of heroes with the rising crime rates, but have come to enjoy the job on a much deeper level- in a way you wouldnât have experienced without Aizawa specifically at your sideâŠ
This feeling -safety, even in the most uncertain circumstances- radiates from him whenever youâre together. Doesnât matter what youâre doing; you donât have to be in pressing danger or fight-or-flight to feel it. Itâs a constant hum of assurance from Aizawa that settles your spirit and draws you to him.Â
By action, he never pronounces his entrance or use flamboyant body language; rather itâs his subtle and meaningful motions that aim to soothe. With his words, he says what he means, and doesnât sugar coat thingsâ and by that very token, you know even the kindest of affirmations that come out of him must also be true- few and far between as they are.
Those signs are all subtleties that point to a very private person. Ultimately, if you did not know him so well by daily interactions, you may never have picked up how a man like him truly feels.Â
Only right now, you canât help but see it. Every emotion heâd hold inside is palpable. He does feel very strongly, and youâre gifted by its raw power: even as you are the sole audience for such a show.
Thereâs something in his eyes thatâs not so much angry, but pained. Itâs rearing up like wings to make itself appear bigger than it is, but also to shield away from unwanted eyes. It forces you to stare back, and not look away. Demands you attention, because this matters.
Itâs scared.
âI know you don't give a damn what you think of yourself,â he says cautiously, âbut the rest of us do care what happens to you-â
The words your nursing friend had said at the hospital tending to your most recent injuries. That this is beyond a dauntless streak of selflessness, but that your life has value and meaning. Aizawa must not have been ignoring you fully earlier. Hearing him say this proves that he had overheard you both after allâ and to an extent agrees.Â
Damn, your pride doesnât like hearing that. And damn your self-deprecating sense of humor: the one thatâs not-so-funny to the Japanese populace, apparently.Â
You cross your arms, a flit of sarcasm dripping as a defense mechanism:
âOk, Docâ I get itââ
âIâm not Doctor Mori.â Aizawa snapped, void of patience. âOr your darling Suzuki for that matter.â
Your two best friends, the latter whom you share a group chat with who will also not be happy hearing what's happened to you today. Neither would negate anything Aizawa has told you so far. In fact they'd agree, wholeheartedly.
Furthermore, they know what he means to you, too. Beyond your hero work, beyond your classroom partnershipâŠÂ
They know Aizawa makes your world go âround. You practically set your clock to his time, so that you might be in sync and have something reliable in your life. You learn from him, you thrive by him, you're thankful for how you've grown and how you continue to feel when he looks your way. It's all genuine, and you appreciate that in a level that's perhaps become more than that of friends.Â
Guilt twinges the strength left in your words,Â
âI know you're not⊠your say matters, too.â
âWell your actions sure as hell aren't matching. You say my words have weight? Then you listen to me now.â
Aizawa flares his sights at you, rounding the last tabletop between you as he does so.
âI donât expect half measures from you and I would never ask that of you. I do believe you are a great hero, and I believe youâre going to give your all, donât misinterpret that. Never doubt that. But for whatever it's worth- if it even means to you what it means to me- you donât just have a circle of people who want you and need you⊠who doesnât just see you as another name on a mission roster, or just an asset to a team⊠But there are people who hate watching you dance with danger like itâs something only you can do, not when you have someone who will be at your side.. As we fight it together.â
Before irritated disbelief could settle across your faceâ Aizawaâs fight-worn hands that had laid fisted by his side flew up and cupped the base of your skull.
Aizawaâs eyes sting red with tears; wet emotion bared in your presence for the first time.Â
âYou are my breath,â Aizawa manages your name desperately, âMy anchor, and my light, and youâre holding what little heart I have left, and I canât lose you.. to this.â
âhis words had you shocked speechless. Your heart could break itself looking back in those eyes.Â
You sense the hurt bursting from the seams right in front of youâ hurt that had rendered him silent for much of your journey back here. You can't imagine having been the one who scared him this much, someone you truly believed was immovable.Â
Aizawaâs given you something far more important than a down-to-earth talk. Itâs a beautiful confession you never saw coming.
Your hand cups his wrist back gently, its tendons tremble underneath you. He asked you to call him by name, so you would.
"Z-. Shouta..."
His eyes shut, and he falls forward, his forehead to yours. Containing tears within, Aizawa steeled his deep voice again:
"I have these nights⊠nights with dreams so bad, I can't wake when I want to. And then others, where I never want the good dream to stop. You're in both, and that scares me to no end."
His fingers bear down on the hastily thrown-on menthol patch you'd not get spent the minimal seconds it takes to affix straight. He feels the raising bump under the pads of those fingers, feeling evidence of your recklessness yet again.Â
âI lived a life without you. It feels so long ago now...after we met, after you stood by me at city hallâI don't want anything less. Never again. I just want you to be more careful about these things."
Tears pricked yours, too. Never would you have imagined a close call would have affected him like this. Out of the hundreds of nights youâve rounded up villains together, youâd broken the final straw of his resolve.
He cares. He cares for you. You dare to think he may love youâ and found this as his way to say it.Â
"I was- I really didn't-- I'm sorry, Shouta. Please..."
His eyes opened at your voice calling.
"Then promise me."
"Promise?"
"Promise me you wonât take these risks again. Not alone. Not when you have someone in your corner... Someone who can help you see past the hurt, the vengeanceâ whatever is going through your head that youâre thinking you need to prove. We can make something better from it. Smarter. Iâve walked that path; I know it well.â
You nod in his hold; your oath back to him, as he lays it all out. Were this a written love letter, youâd memorize every line.Â
â-but promise me you'll never scare me like this. Not when itâs avoidable. Donât ever do this again."
Aizawaâs voice fell to a choked whisper by the end. The last window of his strength crumbled like settling dust while his thumbs scroll your temples reverently.
You swallow tensely, nodding all the quicker,Â
"Yes, I promise, yes.â Youâll fuck things up differently, sure, but not like tonightâs show of heroics.
Aizawa shuddered; it sank in. "Thank you."
Still, you made it your job to make him believe, so you lifted up off the desk to stand before him. Fighting the burn in your arms was a worthy cause when rising to hug himâ and rewarded you instantly as he reciprocated. You relished in the feeling, the warmth from his breath on your neck, how securely his arms held you tight, the caring hand that fisted the back of your hair in an intimate gesture.Â
There was nowhere else you'd rather be. Taking a deep breath, you let your eyes close in his hold. Youâd tell him someday, but youâve dreamt of him to, though not so heartbreaking in memory, as he shared with you. Many of your dreams settled on moments just like this; tame, warming fantasies that you wished you could share with him as a break from the chaos. Because he deserved softness, too.
And here he was: hugging you. You smile. Shouta Aizawa -man of a thousand sleepless nights- is fucking hugging you. Hizashi will never believe this.
You felt the change the minute your name crossed the line of Aizawaâs lips. His shoulders sagged and he pressed into you, his hands loosening and patting your hair, the fierce nature in which he'd captured you melting into a protective caress.
The manâs face still sunk inwards, weary as he met your eyes. Where was that look coming from? He seemed so worried, like he wanted to say something but was trying hard not to. His gaze darted to your lips to your cheeks- basking in every bit of this moment, like he'd never get the chance to be this close again.
Hearing his inhale at the touch, your hand smoothed over his heart, purposefully, lovingly. Eyes locked, you tipped your head to the side and lifted your chin to be clear to him- an invitation. The corners of his mouth lift.Â
I feel the same, you want to cry to him. But with his emotions still sitting under the surface, you will yourself to be the strong one.. just for a moment longer. Youâll share your vulnerability once the pain meds wear off.
Aizawa met you halfway in one fell swoop. Still tender from your fight, you brought his lips to yours to seal in the promise made.Â
This kiss was more than you imagined. Impossibly gentle lips, dizzying warmth, the lowest of hums leading into it. Had he been angry, it might have been a growl, but youâre sure you would've jumped on it anyway. The energy he gave into this first kiss caught even you by surprise.
After another drawn out press, you bowed your foreheads together and took in shaky breaths.
"Wow,â you sighed out a smile.
He whispered the awestruck wonder back, and drew you right back in.
Parting after several rolling kisses later, you saw him clearer, sporting that Totoro smile at your blissful face.Â
"You don't know how long I've wanted to do this," Aizawa spoke into your ear, still holding you close, but mindful of the tender parts you winced at.
Careful of the taxed weakness in his elbow, you carefully massaged up his arm gently, âSorry I had to piss you off to get it~â
He chuckled breathlessly, feeling soft enough to nuzzle your cheek. You laughed at the roughness of his scruff on yours. Itâs so comfortable with him like this. felt up his chest slowly while you had the chance. He took a deep breath at the sensation.Â
"Guess this means youâre putting in your name as âthat someoneâ? Do this together then?" You gestured with your shoulder between you, working out the words, âI mean, I should hope soâ you just kissed the daylights out of me."
Aizawa brushed some hair away you'd nervously let forward. He seemed cool as ever, but spoke gently with you.Â
"I wasn't so sure someone like me could feel this way about someone like you. So yes. I'd like to see where this could go,â Aizawa centered back to meet you with level calm. âI think.. what we have to start with, works. Don't you?"
You smiled sweetly and nodded with confidence. How things will look for you from this point on will simply build on the foundation you have. That all can be learned. Finessed. You braved a smile and assured him, despite the nagging fear you felt you caused;
"I wonât let you down, âZawa."
His eyes almost rolled shut into a breathy chuckle.
"You know, I adore you. So damn much." He captured your lips again in a couple long kisses. You hummed in between them, drowned out by his own possessive trills back as they echoed into your shared mouths.
You gave a breathy little giggle in happiness and trailed your fingers over the edge of his jaw, caressing the stubble of beard.Â
âGuess I have added incentive to stick around then.â
âOh, you are. And youâre going to have to face the music with the city task force come Monday.â
âAh yes, this felt more normal. The king of rational thought swooping in to burst your bubble. But⊠you suppose you rely on this too. All part of the Eraserhead package deal.
Youâll take it; along with your consequences.
âUgh shit.â
âTold you so.â
Planning out your next steps in Aizawaâs homeroom, as a team, went well for the remainder of your time propped up at his desk⊠until you got distracted again. This new dynamic between you will be sure to prove tempting, you fear, as inevitably your reputation for being a horrific flirt started getting the best of you when Aizawa stuck his hair up to get back to work.
Unfair, how good he looks when heâs angry. Even worse when he looks back at you, in love.
#shouta aizawa x reader#shouta aizawa#aizawa shouta x reader#aizawa shouta#shouta x reader#aizawa x reader#mha aizawa#bnha aizawa#mha fanfiction#my hero academia#boku no hero academia#mha x reader#bnha x reader#mha#bnha#aizawa my beloved#aizawa angst
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Closed doors, Pt. 1
Rin Itoshi x GN! reader
Angst to Comfort/Fluff. SFW.
ââčËâĄSummary ââčËâĄ
Rin and you have been dating for a while. Everything so far has been smooth sailing up until now, where his insecurities of not being the best for you had surfaced. In his head, you deserve the best anyways. Long story short, a fight broke out between you two, and heâs even more nerve-wracking now that heâs scared of losing the very person heâs been living for.
âYou donât know what I feel; you donât understand at all!â A maleâs voice loudly rang in the apartment.
"How would I know if you never told me anything?â You retorted, following behind him as he moved around, âYou know Iâll listen to you anytime!â
He stops, considering spilling out everything that heâs been keeping inside him, considering laying his heart bare for you to seeâhe stops, squinting because heâs never felt so vulnerable, so brutally honest about his emotions. Itâs scary stepping out of your comfort zone.
You look into his eyes and notice something new; this isnât like the usual Rin Itoshi you knew. The Rin Itoshi that ruled the field like a star playerâno, this was raw emotion you saw in his eyes. His calculated gaze softened, a glint of fear present. You tend to notice these things the more time you spend with someone.
"Hey, are you okay?â you asked, stepping closer to gently hold his chin in your palms, aiming to ease nerves. For a split second, you could feel every inch of his being lean into the touch, him softening for just that momentâuntil he snapped back into reality.Â
âNO!â he blurts out rather loudly, and you see his eyes almost well up with tears from how much this is taking a toll on him, emotionally and physically. He regrets it; he never meant to say it so harshly; he knew he wasnât acting his usual self. He would have never been this rough to youâthe one he holds dearly in his heart. âI-Iâm sorry⊠I didnât meanââ He stammers out weakly before cutting himself short. âI⊠Iâll be back; just give me some time to collect myself,â he says softly before exiting the room, walking towards the balcony, and closing the door. Heâs a mess of emotions swirling in his chest.
You could only watch and stay there, taking in the initial shock from the whole interaction. Slowly you stalk towards the balcony, sitting by the door as you wait for him. You know being open about emotions is new to Rin, even during the beginning of your relationship. That never stopped the connection between you both from blossoming. You wait patiently as he takes time to himself, trying to make sense of the mess of nerves heâs become.
Outside, Rin sits on the chair reflecting what had just transpired. He hates himself even more for what he just did to you. But he also knows that he would do just about anything to treat you well, even if it means breaking down his walls to let you in. He just needs some time-and closed doors for now.
#writing#creative writing#writeblr#bllk#blue lock#rin itoshi x reader#itoshi rin#blue lock fic#blue lock anime#blue lock manga#blue lock rin#rin itoshi#rin x reader#rin fluff#rin itoshi x you#rin itoshi x y/n#bllk x reader#bllk rin
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Hellooooo! You write Lute so well (the best in my humble opinion), sooo I figured you'd be the best person to bring this request tođ€
Could i request a lute x girlfriend!reader where they used to be long-term best friends, but during the friendship reader was convinced she was straight bc she'd never been attracted to a woman before Lute.
Now they're in a new relationship and Lute is helping her girlfriend come to terms with her sexual orientation/identity as a bisexual. Or a lute-sexual considering Lute's still the only woman she's ever had an attraction to đ
*Bonus points if reader expresses that she's afraid she won't be a good girlfriend considering she'd only been with 1 man before her and doesn't know how to "properly treat" a woman (She treats Lute great as a gf and a friend, poor thing's just new to this)*
Lmbo imagine reader just having bi-panic anytime she interacted with Lute during their friendship Or getting flustered anytime Lute did anything remotely attractive during their relationship
Thank youuuuu! Also random question: who's your fav character in Hazbin?
ty for such kind words! :')
+ fav hazbin character isss- lets say husk (i feel a kinship with him lol, plus i LOVE keith davis's voice) i also adore angel and adam <3
đđąđ«đ„đđ«đąđđ§đđŹ? â đđźđđ đđđŹ
đ ft : lute x girlfriend!reader đ cw : fluff, slight angst, lute makes you blush as per usual đ summary : lute assures you she's happy-more than happy- to be with you, despite being the first woman you've ever dated + drabble at the end :) đ note : lute-sexual is SO relatable
Lute just holding both sides of your face, squishing you while she reassures you that: "You are an amazing girlfriend"
She sighs, "Don't be stupid."
she's always trying to physically smoosh the sentiment into you, either with her kisses or by holding you down and affirming you.
Lute is very gentle, emotionally speaking. She understands the new-raw emotions you must be feeling, being in a relationship with a woman for the first time.
If you're having a hard time coming to terms with your sexuality, Lute can wait as long as it takes.
You're both in the same boat: She's never been in a relationship, and you've never been with a woman.
As her best-friend, you try to be there for her through laughs and sorrows.
Eyeing her curves and respecting her brilliance in battle. . . her ability to not be talked down to no matter the foe.
For all those years you lusted for her. . . you mistook the feelings for friendly support, ignoring the way you'd blush when you watched her come back from training: A sports bra, and long martial arts shorts adorning her heavenly body. The muscles around her back built to shoulder the burden of wings, and a strong core to match.
A literal form build by god. . . the sight making you tremble with nerves.
And. . . now you were with her.
Lute adores all the thoughtful gifts you give her throughout the day. It makes her smile, silently treasuring the things you buy or find for her.
In a relationship, I think Lute can already tell whenever you become flustered by her or overwhelmed.
For example: she takes her shirt off and turns to you, watching you tremble and bury your burning face into your hands, attempting to hide it from her but peeking through your fingers.
She thinks its the cutest fucking thing in the world.
"Lute? How can I even be a good girlfriend for you? I don't... I don't know how to..." You manage to spit out as she walks over to the bed your sitting on.
She smiles softly, crawling over to sit on your lap, cupping your face in her hands to stop you from hiding.
"Babe, you're a fucking great girlfriend," she assures you.
And Lute revels in your beauty, holding your face and running her thumbs over your cheeks, and committing every bump and blemish to memory.
"Kiss me?" You ask her happily, almost like a puppy.
And its Lute's turn to blush, her face bursting into a fiery red bliss, tackling you backward onto the bed in an attempt to distract.
#hazbin hotel#imagines#headcannons#headcanon#hazbin hotel x reader#reader insert#fluff#hazbin lute#lute x reader#lute x y/n#lute x fem!reader#drabble#fluffff
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i m confused are there 2 guys if yes then who is the 1st one who's ignoring u or was it the 2nd one
Timeline bc I need to vent:
1) I meet Guy A on the first day of work training. I grow to develop a crush on him very unexpectedly. But he hangs out with a large group of people so I can't get close to him
2) I meet Guy B and become friends with him. He is like my platonic soulmate. Our connection is crazy strong. Totally platonical though as I like someone else and he has just experienced the worst heartbreak of his life
3) I kinda go crazy from longing and emotional starving for my crush. I feel like there is a wall between us no matter how much I try to get close to him
4) I decide to focus on making friends instead, so I say "let's get coffee" to Guy B. Our friendly date turns out intense and romantic asf UNINTENTIONALLY. It is just raw compability and connection. We both get kinda weird abt it but I return to normal soon
5) Guy B starts to avoid me bc he is confused over our newly founded attraction & he is NOT emotionally available for a new relationship at least for like, a year
6) I get frustrated and very sad bc I feel like I lost an important friend that is rare to come across. Meanwhile, Guy A starts to flirt with me? He shows blatant interest? Very unexpected
7) I have another platonic-turned-weirdly-intense date with Guy B and we make up. Heavy ass romantic and sexual tension. I feel weird and drifted
8) I get attached to Guy B and I DONT want that, he is not ready for another relationship yet and it would only break my heart but we keep our situationship of push-and-pull going almost instictively. But he starts to talk more about his ex (maybe to discourage both of us?) and it gets on my fucking nerves. During this time I put more and more distance between my crush (Guy A) and myself again unintentionally
9) I finally accept that I cant fuck with any of this anymore bc both men just never take the first step and except it from me & I am done with it. So I let them both go. They can either make an actual effort or fuck off forever honestly
Stay tuned
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5.07 is so touching from a Dean and Bobby perspective but also so funny and one doesnât happen without the other. It opens with Dean updating Bobby on the case Bobby had directed them toward. Dean asks how Bobbyâs doing and Bobby snaps at him. The next time they talk on the phone, purely talking about the case, Bobby again kind of takes his bad mood out on Dean, telling him to get off the phone and work. Dean brushes it off, knowing Bobby is in pain. But then Bobby shows up in Deanâs eye-line just in time for Dean to find out Bobby played Patrick at poker and lost, and Dean explodes. He calls Bobby an idiot and asks him what the hell he was thinking.
The rest of the episode, Bobby and Dean snark at each other and call each other idiots, mocking each other for complaining, and I think becoming old gives Dean the confidence to continue to engage with Bobby this way and facilitates an important one episode dynamic.
Instead of asking Bobby how he is and letting him snipe at him, old Dean refuses to take Bobbyâs sniping and mocks him back⊠and I think this is exactly what Bobby wanted. He indicates several times in the episode that he isnât open to a heart to heart, and itâs because it needs to be earned. Bobbyâs in a dark place where he feels pathetic and useless (even though heâs been indispensable!) and even being asked how he is just reminds him of the pain heâs in and how much things have changed and how he isnât the same. Heâs a raw nerve and he IS emotionally delicate but he doesnât WANT to feel that way and canât stand being reminded that he does. So having Dean refuse to treat him that wayâinstead telling Bobby stuff like âYouâre right. Iâve never been paralyzed. But Iâve been to hell and thereâs an archangel there that wants me to drop the soap. My junkâs rustier than yours. You hear me bellyaching?â / âWhat were you thinking? Heâs a witch! Heâs been playing poker since guys wore tights!â / âBobbyâs an idiot, thatâs what!â / âAt least your legs are numbâ / âPound it up your ass, ironsides!â all treats Bobby as someone capable of handling that kind of banter (even banter that references his paralysis) instead of as someone fragile who needs to be handled in a fragile way.
And Bobby IS capable of handling that kind of banter! He gives as good as he gets and also gets to vent about his condition the entire episode simply through minimizing old Deanâs state and all his aches and pains. Yelling at old Dean to stop being a grandma and etc allows him to release so much internal resentment about how angry his own condition makes him without him feeling delicate and vulnerable in the process, because Dean is complaining too so itâs all in the context of a fight instead of a sharing and caring session. Dean is attacking back so theyâre on equal footing and Bobby doesnât feel babied! He feels strong, especially when Dean complains openly more than him and Bobby gets to snipe at him for it.
So then by the end of the episode, Dean is able to have a sincere conversation with Bobby about how much he matters to him without Bobby getting angry and shutting down because he receives it as pity. Dean is the guy who fucking told him âAt least your legs are numb,â after Bobby told him to stop complaining about having to dig a grave by himself at the age of 80, and Deanâs going to keep calling him ironsides, so even though Bobby doesnât stop hurting (we see his last look of sorrow at the end of the episode), by the end of the episode, he feels less raw due to Dean refusing to treat him that way.
#pk rewatches spn number ?#5.07#do i look like a ditchable prom date to you?#dean and bobby#season 5
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Luckyâš
In honor of Halseyâs beautifully soul-bearing new single (especially the emotionally raw stripped version), I couldnât resist making a quick visual for my AU ficâŠthe first half of this song perfectly pairs with my latest chapter of my Clexa celebrity AU, âHigh Infidelityâ- where we follow Lexa through the rest of awards season following her botched gesture for Clarkeđ„ș
đš(Abbreviated thread of SOME of the images from these chapter and the ending scene, click link to read in fullđđ») đš -big shoutout to my creative assistant and esp my personal Lexa tattoo artist @darkomen-carey for doing all my photoshopsđ«¶đŒ
In the soft light of Costia's bedroom, the giddy blonde lays back on her bed in a grey t-shirt and silky cheetah sleep shorts, tossing her hands up over her head, watching as her guest climbs onto the bed after her in just black panties and a white tank top.Â
Looking down, Lexa can still chart the constellations in her eyes, as Costia's looking up at Lexa with complete adoration from underneath, not a thought in her head that doesn't revolve around how natural this feels and how obsessed she is with the way Lexa examines her with hungry eyes before settling atop her hips to straddle her. Â
"Hi Babylove" She coos, settling her hands on Lexa's hips.Â
Lexa smiles, and her sigh relaxes her weight completely over the girl beneath her as she leans forward, gripping Costiaâs wrists to put them back overhead on the pillow as she kisses her, breathing into it, drawing long inhales in through her nose as her lips press and suck at those she's anxiously waited to taste all day.Â
The physical touch is grounding, because her nerves have only grown worse all week, approaching tomorrow. It's taken all of her self-control to not respond to Clarke over the weeks, no matter how much she wanted to.
Because no matter what she does, she can't shake the images of Clarke so visibly enamored with every small touch, every glance, every moment of care and comfortability between her and Luna in that gallery.
The gallery she bought for Clarke.Â
What would Clarke even have done if she HAD seen her?
No matter, it would have been infinitely worse, to have suffered the embarrassment of Clarke seeing her there, of Luna seeing her there. God for RAVEN to have seen her there.Â
No. She's glad she left. She knew it was a stupid idea in the first place.
Maybe this is really both of our chances to start over.
"Babylove" the girl hums, breaking their lips apart with a turn of her head.
Costia had felt the slow shift, the excessive pressure behind the kiss that tells her Lexa's thoughts are far away, that the brunette is using the physical outlet to escape whatever emotions are building within. In a moment that had started so soft and unalloyed mere seconds ago now weighed down on top of them like a boulder because Lexa knows that Costia had grown too good at reading her, and wanted to avoid this conversation, or any for that matter.
Lexa, though, tries to resume their makeout, seeking back the lips that had just pulled away. When Costia flips her face back and forth to deny Lexa her mouth, the brunette shamelessly whimpers, equally frustrated as she is desperate for release, burying her face into the girl's neck.
"Hey....what is it?" She strokes the sides of Lexa's head, and immediately the girl on to of her drops her head.
They both know the answer.
"It's just dinner..." The blonde says gently as Lexa sits back up, still straddling her hips, "Since when can't you work a crowd?"
The silence says the obvious, but Costia voices it regardless.
"You're nervous to see her."
Lexa fidgets atop the blonde, but before she can slide off, Costia braces her hips to keep her in place.
"Don't." She urges, "Don't shut down on me."
But Lexa's fighting hard to do just that. She didn't come over to talk. Not tonight. The past month had been the perfect mix of work and interviews and events and parties and lots of NOT talking with Costia.
Not talking seemed better because the last time they did really talk, Lexa informed her about the texting that had started back up with her ex - despite its innocence.
Last time they talked she disclosed her intentions to attend Clarke's showcase, and even though the blonde smiled sweetly through obvious pain, assuring her it was okay, it was bending the truth too far. Because she still didn't know what any of it meant anyways, but she couldn't hide the truth from Costia. But what even was the real truth anyways?
"Lexa."
The soft utterance of her name loosens the knot forming in her gut momentarily, that voice that quells her cyclone of spiraling thoughts and the blonde gently pulls her down but she braces herself with her elbows on either side of Costia's head.
With their noses inches away, the younger girl tilts her head up just enough to nuzzle her nose across Lexa's.
"Tell me what's going on in there." She coaxes.
Lexa lets her eyes drop closed and breathes in the scent of vanilla and cinnamon, still clinging to the girl's skin from her shower before Lexa arrived. She focuses on the loose grasp Costia's hands keep on the sides of her torso, the stillness of her hips, resisting any urge to rock against the weight pressing down onto her when they both know what Lexa came over for.
Lexa's exhale is laden with defeat, but she nuzzles her nose right back, then rests her forehead against the blonde's.
"One of these days you'll regret meeting me."
The words hang like an omen.
Costia responds by tilting up to meet Lexa's lips in a kiss so delicate, so tender, that Lexa is once again dragged into a riptide of emotions where she can't figure out which direction to swim in.
"Never." Breathes the blonde, barely separating to utter against her lips, "I could never."
The ensuing kisses escalate in desperation, in such a way that Costia again pulls back, stopping.
"You're doing it again." She says.
Lexa stares back blankly, confused.
"You switched off."
Frustrated, Lexa huffs and rolls off the blonde's body, hanging her legs off the edge of the bed.
"You think I can't tell?" Her fingers trace the tops of Lexa's shoulders, meekly kneeling behind her as the brunette sits up facing away.
"Fine, I won't kiss you then." Lexa shrugs off Costia's touch and stands, fetching her sweatpants to step into.
"So we are right into the defensiveness."
Lexa exhales in a devastatingly sad tone, "I'm here, Cos...." Pulling up her sweatpants, "Whatever there is that's left of me... is here. I'm sorry if that's not enough for you."
"It always is." The girl assures, staying in her position on the bed for now, "But I can tell when you shut the lights off, when you switch to autopilot..." Lexa's face tries to protest but the blonde continues, "I don't just want this..." Her hand motions around Lexa's body, "I want YOU, Lexa. I've told you if you just need sex you've always had my blessing to go get that elsewhere."
Lexa paces around Costia's room, her mind actively fighting against her, not wanting to think about anything right now. The bubble is bursting and she's not ready for it.
"So what...?" Costia insists, noticing the girl's walls going up, "What's the plan here Lexa? Because everyone is scared of being hurt." She wants the brunette to look at her but she won't, and she strains to keep her voice from sharpening, "You act like having feelings is some weakness, some...'thing'... that's gonna destroy you if you let them in."
Because they might.
Lexa's pacing stops when she braces against the dresser on the far wall, just barely able to look at the girl in bed through the reflection of the mirror in front of her.
Costia's tone softens as she cocks her head, "So what'll it be? You gonna just stop caring? About everyone?"
Lexa's jaw stays rigid, her voice scratchy, "Not everyone." She finally turns around to face the girl in bed, "Not you."
Costia's head falls to the other side, and with a playful roll of her eyes, slides off the bed to step towards Lexa, who accepts her into embrace.
"Don't quote your show at me." She can't hold in her giggle, but it gets the desired outcome, as Lexa's lips stretch into a smile, "You care about more than just me...always the dramatics with you babylove..."
"You started it..." Lexa grins. Â
She plants a peck on Lexa's lips and tucks strands of hair behind her ear, and runs her hands down over her shoulders.
"I need you to stop beating yourself up for things you are allowed to feel."
Lexa, with hesitation, "So eager to push me back to her are you...?"
Costia frowns, "I didn't say I had to LIKE how you feel about her..."
The actress wraps her hands around the blonde's tiny waist.
"I'm here Cos, with you."
"Not really." She argues back, "You're elsewhere. I see it."
"What do you want? I'm trying Cos..." Lexa mildly snaps, and goes to drop her hands, to step away but Costia holds her firmly in place against the dresser, "We've been out to places a bunch..." Lexa notes, "I haven't been to a bar or club or so much as messaged anyone else in how long?"
"I never asked you to do that..."
"You got to come with me to all those afterparties...was that not a step forward?"
Costia subtly shakes her head, "I didn't know you were keeping count."
"Keeping count of what?"
"Of boxes you think you have to check to prove something to me."
Lexa manages to break free and walk back to the bed, scooting all the way back against the headboard with a sigh, while Costia stays leaning on the dresser.
"Lex...this past month has been amazing. I'm not asking for more. I'm just asking you be honest with me." She takes a deep breath before continuing, "Ever since you told me about the texting, about the showcase...I know those didn't go the way you hoped...no matter how you tried to downplay it."
Lexa winces hearing the words.
"I don't doubt how you feel about me, but you don't need to pretend you DON'T still feel things for her. Even if she doesn't deserve it in my opinion."
Lexa, looking over to her, "Cos it's not like-"
"Let me finish."
Costia walks over to stand at the foot of the bed.
"I don't want her to hurt you, again. I don't want her to even get the CHANCE to ever put you through what she did ever againâŠ."
Lexa sees the sincerity, the protectiveness, the possessiveness.Â
"But I..." Her voice hitches, and Costia looks down in an attempt to control her now quivering bottom lip, "I don't want to be the one standing here with you only because you couldn't have what you really wanted..." She clears her throat, and fixes her jaw, looking Lexa directly in the eyes, "So...maybe it's good that she'll be there tomorrow."
Lexa's chest practically caves in at the sight in front of her. At the girl who least deserved to be caught up in her mess, who she did everything to keep from letting her into such mess.
The past month she thought was the best they could have hoped for, in moving them along towards something, anything beyond their late-night batsignal beginnings. She meant what she said to Anya - she wants to do right by her. She WANTS to be the person Costia believes her capable of being.
And Clarke.... Clarke can feel guilty about the showcase, but she can't deny what Lexa saw with her own eyes in that gallery.
She SAW IT.
Whatever feelings Clarke may or may not still harbor for her, her ex showed no intentions of letting it affect Luna's roots spreading into the soil of her life. So why should Lexa let it stop Costia's?
Lexa slides open her legs and pats the space between them, beckoning the girl onto the bed, which she does, crawling across the mattress and turning to sit in front of Lexa, leaning back into her chest as arms wrap tightly around her.
"We are what we are." She says, nuzzling into Costia's hair, "And I like what we are. I don't want it to change. Not yet."
Costia leans into the touch, letting herself be held together while her insides crumble, knowing if there's any true hope for them, she has to weather this storm. She's helpless against the hurricane that is Clarke Griffin that's surely on a path to blow in and do whatever amount of damage to Lexa, to them, to everything she's worked so hard healing in the girl holding her.Â
She's been sharing Lexa ever since she met her, maybe this wouldn't be that much different...?
"She's had plenty of chances." Lexa tries to assure her, "She didn't take them."
Costia shakes her head, but Lexa only tightens her hold.
"Hey..." The brunette plants several kisses where the girl's neck meets her shoulder, "You brought me back to life. YOU did that."
Costia twists in her lap, and Lexa cradles her sideways as the blonde pulls her in for a kiss filled with trepidation of what tomorrow might bring.
The pair sits for some time in a comfortable silence, in each other's embrace leaned against the headboard, content letting the night not lead to where it was originally intended.
"Go pick a record to put on."
#clexa fanfic#angsty#exes to lovers#RIP Lostia#accidentally made costia my favorite part of this story#Was proud of how smooth the TS references felt in this chapter#Donât worry Iâm just as committed to Costiaâs happy ending as Clexaâs
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If this is a weird comment you don't have to post it, but listening to E a lot I notice there are a bunch of idk? sounds in his songs that I guess they'd edit out now. you mentioned him laugh in Power of My Love and I hear it EVERY time now, but there's a lot of other stuff too that makes the recordings sound so real.
not a weird comment, i love this actually, and it's true.
i think it's a combination of factors. obviously, no digital editing (and no auto-tuning, which is why his studio vocals and his live vocals are as close to identical as they are. studio recordings are cleaner due to the setting and equipment, but the timbre and tone, the color, the melodic quality, that was truly the man's voice), although engineers could still clean things up in places, and lay in background vocals and further instrumentation etc, it was a bit more involved/arduous as a process and the central recording probably didn't get fiddled with as much. i'm not going to say i'm super well-versed on production of the time, but of course computers and digital mixing, snipping together various takes, etc, today can alter a LOT of what's captured to make it more "flawless." if you listen to any of his rough studio cuts/outtakes, you'll hear him rehearsing, changing up tempos, deciding on different arrangements or following instruction, (messing up lyrics and laughing and being a weirdo lmao i love him), clicking into how to get a song to work.
i also think it has something to do with E's particular technique and delivery, where he breathes is often very deliberate (try singing along and you'll notice how measured and controlled he was at this and the way it emotionally affects his delivery). i mean, as an example that isn't the power of my love laughâą, you can hear him gulp slightly at the beginning of in the ghetto (in the rest after "as the snow flies"), whether that's direct emotion or nerves or just how he was getting the song out. there's a moment in another song where you can hear what i think is the clink of his rings against the microphone. the memphis sessions have a LOT of the raw studio sounds left in. some of this is also that he...did not sit still (affectionate), so some of that fidgeting and rustling and personality is all captured in the recordings. listen to true love travels on a gravel road (my beloved), and there are a bunch of the organic moments right there. especially between the first chorus and the second verse - between "ohhh, true love travels on a gravel road" and "down through the years..." like four different things audibly happen. you can tell when he's playing around and exaggerating some of his vocalizations and quirks and trademarks, leaning into it - which he did in places in the comeback special too, because he knew exactly how to utilize/distill that, and the way it would transfix the audience, he just had command of that to unleash however he chose. (or whatever. he decided. to do. at the end of such a night). it's also why it's really apparent in a song when he smiles, which is one of my favorite things in the world, when you can HEAR a smile in a song. not every artist is easy to detect this with, but he is, and it's so warm.
what i really really love about this with him is it makes the songs so present and lived in and felt, all these unfiltered and natural details still exist in the tracks and so does his personality. then when you listen to the concert recordings, the only significant difference is stuff like banter with the audience or switching up bits of arrangement for the show, but the emotion and the amount of himself he put into everything is as real/accessible/clear in the studio as it is on the stage of the international or anywhere else. it's such a vibrantly alive aspect of his work that i believe it's part of why it's endured the way it has tbh - it still feels like he's right there about to pull that gold curtain back again.
#anonymous#letterbox#the thing is if you send me an ask about this i will write an essay#elvis presley#i was a dreamer#music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent#*
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Pairing Rutger Mcgroarty x reader
this is for my best friend @woodruff-edwards
I could feel the tears streaming down my face as I collapsed into Rutger's arms. He held me tight, whispering softly into my ear as I sobbed uncontrollably. "Let it out baby, I've got you," he murmured, rubbing circles into my back.
It had been a long and difficult day, one that had left me feeling completely drained and emotionally overwhelmed. I had tried to keep it together for as long as possible, but eventually, the weight of everything had become too much to bear.
As I cried, Rutger held me close, rocking me gently back and forth. Whispering things like "I love you" "you're so strong baby"
For what seemed like hours, we stayed like that, lost in our own little world of tears and comfort. I didn't want to let go of him, to break the spell that had enveloped us both. But eventually, the tears began to slow, and my breathing evened out.
Rutger pulled back slightly, looking at me with concern etched into his features. "Are you okay?" he asked, his voice soft and gentle.
I nodded, not trusting myself to speak just yet. But even though the tears had stopped, I still felt fragile and vulnerable, like a raw nerve exposed to the world.
Rutger seemed to sense this, and he didn't push me to talk or to be strong. Instead, he simply held me close, running his hands soothingly up and down my back.
As the minutes ticked by, I began to feel more and more like myself again. The tears had done their job, washing away some of the pain and confusion that had been weighing me down.
Rutger pulled back once more, his hands still resting lightly on my shoulders. "Feeling better?" he asked, his smile warm and reassuring.
I managed a small smile in return, feeling a surge of gratitude and love for this man who had seen me at my worst and still loved me all the same.
"Thanks for being here," I whispered, leaning in to kiss him softly.
He pulled me close once more, holding me tight as we sat there together in the quiet stillness of the moment. And I knew, without a doubt, that I was exactly where I was meant to be. With Rutger by my side, I could face anything that life threw my way.
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my girlfriend and i had a really long talk one night about women, and our generational anger. i know i have it. it runs so deep in me, and i feel it all the time. she mentioned that in school, the workouts that they had the girls doing, consisted of things like aerobics. which, in my opinion, is a workout pretty much just for aesthetics. versus the type of workouts they had for the boys, which consisted of things like running, push ups, weight lifting, etc. all things to build stamina, strength, endurance. i mentioned the way that fish grow, depending on the size of the body of water that they live in. if you put a fish in a pond, itâll get just as big as it needs to get to occupy that space. if you put a fish in a bowl, itâll only get so big. and if you start breeding that fish in the bowl, and you keep breeding those fish, theyâll only ever know that tiny bowl you put them in. theyâll never grow any bigger.
men are cowards in the way that they still carry this narrative that weâre genetically inferior to them, as if that hasnât been their whole game this entire time. after decades and decades of imprisoning us, domesticating us, etc., they have the raw nerve to act as if we were just designed to be weaker than them. as if they didnât put all these systems up, and band together to uphold those systems, just to keep us on the bottom. i know so many strong women. both physically, and emotionally. women can survive under pressure. women can grow as big as they need to, but rarely do we ever have the space to encourage that type of growth. we have to go out of our way, defy âgender normsâ and all this other bullshit, just to find some sort of autonomy. some sort of strength that relies on ourselves alone. i think this is why women are so community driven. we have been conditioned to just huddle in a corner together and comfort one another as we all pretty much sit helpless, because we donât know what weâre capable of. and weâre quite frankly scared of discovering it. because the price you pay is often deadly.
i feel like i wasnât taught many lessons about self preservation. i feel like i was unfortunately taught how to be a housewife. iâm great at cooking, cleaning, keeping tidy, being pretty and getting fucked. being told what to do and doing it. iâm great at all of those things. and i canât break out of those habits. i dedicate so much fucking time to looking beautiful, and keeping clean and tidy, and overall having the qualities of a housewife. because i feel like iâll lose all of my value if i pursue anything else. even as a lesbian, which in a way, means iâm failing at traditional womanhood, i still have these problems. i have so many aspirations. so many dreams. so many things i want for myself. and i donât go for them. ever. i watch time go by and think to myself, âwell, i probably couldâve never done that anyways.â i was taught that i canât do things on my own. i canât survive under pressure. i have completely surrendered to that mindset. i remember a period of time where i didnât surrender to that type of lifestyle. and it was honestly just fucking exhausting. all the fighting, and all of the disappointment from my family and friends. when you donât play by the rules, everybody fucking hates you. iâve just laid here helpless for i canât even tell you how long now. feeling like thereâs no end, no escape. iâm just supposed to submit to someone and stay at home and keep the house tidy and functional. but iâm not really like that. i donât want that. i just keep using these tools i was given as a little girl, and theyâre not doing me any good. i guess my life is safer this way, but it isnât gratifying. i never feel alive until i do something fucking crazy or stupid. and realize, âdamn, i didnât die. nobody came after me or hurt me for doing this.â
itâs frightening to realize the gravity of life as a woman. to realize that youâre still very much in a cage. and to sit at the bottom of that cage and wonder to yourself, if i somehow got out of here, would what all happened to me on the way out even be worth it?
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