#emotional blockage | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

frederickkatz · 1 month ago

Text

When we long to feel alive?

TIME: September 28th, 2024 PLACE: The Red Door BETWEEN: Adam ( @adamnvamp ) & Fredrick NOTES: Written on Discord.

Okay, so maybe Adam was a gossip. But to everyone else's business, he was just there because he wanted a drink, and Devon was busy at his gig downtown anyway. Not because he wanted to scout Freddie on behalf of his brother-in-law to-be. So when he walked inside the Red Door, he didn't think much about it, making a beeline to the bar where he saw Freddie was working, eyes fixed on precisely cutting the tip of the blood bag on his hand. " 'Evening, Freddie" Adam said with a smile sliding onto a stool right in front of him "I didn't know you worked on the weekends"

Freddie wasn’t sure what that heaviness in his chest was. He knew he had been developing feelings. Most of them related to certain fae but he refused to acknowledge them, especially to that said fae who hadn’t texted or called at all. His ego sometimes was bigger than his logical side, so he didn’t call or text either. He even avoided going to the bar just to avoid another confrontation so now he was just focused on his job, but his usual smile wasn’t anywhere to be seen. He had just finished serving two regulars when he sensed a familiar energy and then he heard the voice, “Adam,” he said without turning to look at the vampire, “I do. Lately I’ve been only working from Friday to Sunday,” he explained as he grabbed a glass and served Adam the same blood he had ordered last time, with no intention of making small talk. Especially because he knew the vampire was dating Cameron’s brother and he really didn’t want to think about Cameron cause it made his heart feel like someone was squeezing it.

"Oh, I had no idea. Then again, it makes sense. I'd imagine near the weekend is when it's busier" he commented conversationally, accepting the drink "I had something to ask you, though, if you don't mind me stealing you for a bit" Adam asked, before Freddie turned away "Do you happen to sell magical drinks here? Not necessarily bloody ones. I'm looking for something with quick healing" He said, waiting for Freddie's attention to be picked before throwing in the hook "I ask because I'm going to meet Devon and his brother at the fight club later, we're going to the movies, and I'm afraid the guys might not have time to see the medic witches before we leave in time for the session. Do you have something like that?"

Freddie nodded, not really in the mood for talking more than the necessary. He moved closer when he said he wanted to ask him something and frowned at the question, "we don't sell magical drinks at all," he said right away, confused on why a vampire would need something like that. The mention of Cameron even if it wasn't by name made the pressure in his chest feel heavier, and it got worse when he mentioned a fight club, "what fight club?" He asked with a dark expression in his face. He didn't follow the rest said by Adam cause anger and something else started simmering inside of him, "your boyfriend is in a fucking fight club and you're here so calmed drinking blood and asking for magical drinks? I'm not buying it," he said looking at Adam in the eyes, "Gigi, I'm taking a break," he told the other bartender as he jumped over the bar, "you and I, outside now," he said waking through the crowd, hoping Adam was following, "what the hell is Cameron getting into?" He asked as soon as they both were outside.

At first Adam thought it had worked, when he saw the fury in Freddie's eyes, but by the time he reached the outside he had remembered he was a terrible liar. "I thought you knew" he said, honestly this time "he's been going to the fight club under Dark Night. Supernatural people go there to blow off some steam, because the cage has spells, so their powers don't work during the fight" the vampire paused "You didn't know?"

Freddie held himself back from growling, "Cameron is not exactly great at telling me things," he said in a contained tone. He didn't notice when he started pacing, "How was I supposed to know? I'm not into violence to know about a place like that," he said with an angry look in his face, "Is your boyfriend really part of that nonsense? And you're so damn calmed?"

Adam shrugged "I don't think he's that great at telling things to anyone, I just discovered it because Devon bumped into him there" the vampire shrugged, taking a deep breath and leaning against the brick wall, watching the man pace "Yeah, he is. He goes there a few times a month. I'm calm because... well, because I trust him. He goes there because he likes to fight, and he's good at it, not... for self-destructive reasons" which he was pretty certain were Cam's.

Freddie shook his head when he heard Cameron hadn't actually told anyone about his crazy plans. He stopped pacing and took a deep breath when he noticed the grass under his feet was dying, "can Devon stop him from doing that?" He asked with an unreadable expression, unsure if he even had a say on this. He scoffed, " Yeah that sounds like Cameron is completely opposite of all that. He doesn't seem to be the fighting type and with his powers he might have some advantage but without them," he swallowed hard, suddenly feeling sick at the idea.

The vampire shook his head at the question, noticing the vegetation dying around his feet. "They talked last night, but Cameron isn't the type to listen to his brother" he shrugged "I was actually hoping you could" he added, because if what Devon said was true, Freddie could be one of the couple people in town Cameron actually listened to. "Dev mentioned you both had a fight?"

This time Freddie did growl, it was an unnatural dangerous sound, "he doesn't listen at all. That's the fucking problem..." he grunted and then huffed, "what makes you think he's gonna listen to me. He's not even talking to me," he said frustrated. He glared when Adam said Cameron had said they had a fight, "we didn't have a fight. He started pushing for things that I'm not willing to do and I told him that if he cared so much about feelings he talked about it with someone else. Then he hung up on me and I haven't heard of him until now," he crossed his arms over his chest.

Adam bit back his tongue not to hiss back, the sound bringing some ferocious reaction from him, was it a horsemen thing? "That's a fight, mate" Adam said with an empathetic sigh. "From what Devon told me, he's... I probably shouldn't be saying this, but, he seems pretty sad" he said "Did you try to contact him at all?"

Freddie glared at the vampire when he remarked that it had been a fight, "that's stupid! That can't be a fight. It's a disagreement," he corrected with an annoying voice. All his upsetment melted down when Adam said Cameron seemed sad, "Someone sad doesn't go looking for a fight. He's probably mad at me for not being what he wants me to be," he sighed, "No. He's mad at me and honestly I don't wanna hear him trying to make me understand the emotions I'm going through. Stupid mortal vessel with stupid mortal emotions," he grumbled.

Adam shrugged, unfazed by his glaring. He had seen Gilmore's disappointed glare before, no look would scare him more. "That's what a fight is. A disagreement where at least one of the parties ends up hurt and consequences follow" The vampire shrugged when Freddie said Cam was mad, doing the exact same thing the fae has done, apparently "I'd think his brother would be a good judge as to how he was feeling, but that's just second hand information, because I wasn't there, so I really can't say" he said, always the polite one. The last comment made him frown a bit "Did you... You didn't happen to have come from the void, did you?"

Freddie rolled his eyes in annoyance, "well I'm sorry, this whole thing is new to me and that is exactly why I don't get involved with stubborn creatures," he said sarcastically. His expression sobered when Adam pointed out that he had done exactly what Cameron had done with him. Trying to say he knew what the other was feeling. "No. I've never been dead. I just spent a lot of time without a vessel. A little over a thousand years. This vessel is pretty new. I've had it for two hundred years or so," he explained, "emotions and feelings take a while to settle in and it's hard to identify them cause it's been too long. Cameron keeps pushing trying to put a name on the things he thinks I'm feeling," he said with a frustrated sigh.

Adam hummed when he spoke "I suppose it's different then. I've trained for about seven years in the void, back when I worked for your brother. Proportionally to the lifespan of a human, I'd suppose it's a long time" he mused, giving Freddie enough time to absorb the information "It was almost a year until I could even taste food properly when I got back. I couldn't really feel anything. Have you tried spicy shrimp? I've lived off of those for months" Adam joked, running his fingers through his hair "If you don't mind me asking, why don't you want to name what you're feeling?"

"Wait! You were one of Gils' reapers?" he asked confused. He chuckled and shook his head, "It's definitively not the same. Physical sensations and feelings come back almost right away for us. As soon as we get into the vessel we start feeling those and they're easy to discern and understand, it's the emotional intangible stuff what's annoying and confusing," he complained. "It's not that I don't want to name them, I'm trying to understand them and it's hard and I feel like Cameron wants to name them without actually knowing what I'm feeling. He tends to assume, and I think he might be wanting me to feel certain things... That is exactly why I never got close to anyone, at least in the past two hundred years, but there's something about that damn fae that is driving me insane and it's already a struggle without him trying to put a name on the thing," he blurted out frustrated.

"Yup" he said "For me they both came back at the same rate, but feelings were easier to name than proper emotions." Adam paused "Cameron is... many things, yes, and please never tell him I said this, but he has the heart in the right place." He said calmly "He usually goes these wrong and twisted ways, but most of the time he's really just trying to help." Adam paused, so Freddie could absorb his words "Feelings are scary though, uncontrollable. What do you think Cameron wants you to be feeling, Freddie?"

“Well now that’s unexpected, how’s that you even ended up a vampire then?” he asked confused cause he wasn’t sure reapers could be turned into something else. He listened and nodded cause he had noticed Cameron meant well with his actions but he was just so rushed that he didn’t really stopped to consider others much or if they wanted to be helped at all, “I don’t want his help,” he said seriously, “I tried to tell him that, I tried to make him stop, I asked him to and he kept pushing so I had enough,” he said with a deep sigh, “I’m not scared about feelings, I don’t wanna feel them but I know I can’t help it, I just don’t want to be rushed,” he pointed simply, “I think he thinks this is more than it is. I was very clear with him that this is just sex, and he was ok with it, but I think the fact that he’s getting attached to the other person he's seeing might be affecting this between us cause he might want the same form me and I can’t give him that. If he wants love and that stuff, he can have it with that other person, not me, and he knew that from day one so it’s very annoying he’s making a big deal about my emotions or my lack of them right now.”

"I... was fired" he shrugged, then added "Which was completely my fault, by the way, no hard feelings towards Gilmore. But since I was dying when I was hired, I was put back in that state, a friend of mine who was a vampire saw me dying and turned me"

Adam listened before speaking "Did he ask it of you? To feel things for him?" He asked confused, because Cameron didn't seem like the type who would beg someone for attention. At least not knowingly.

Freddie winced, “Whatever you might’ve done to get fired must really have pissed Gil enough to send you back to that state. I guess it was good your friend was around,” he said with a sympathetic smile.

He frowned, “Not exactly, not with that many words but he kept on pushing for me to say that I care about him, which is annoying because I’ve told him that before and I’ve done things to show him that I care but I don’t know why he’s been so insisting on it now… maybe this whole thing was a bad idea. It’s probably best for us both to call everything off.”

Adam nodded, with a smile "It was deserved. I kept tabs on Devon's life book, so I could make sure he didn't die. Because... well, because I had fallen in love with him. So it was worth it."

"But do you want to? Call it off?" He asked, then sighed, giving him some time "You know, people say that what differentiates humans from other beings is that we have smart thinking. We solve problems and communicate but... there's a single experience that is just intrinsically human, to me - and I'm telling you think because I'm assuming it doesn't happen to you" The vampire said in a kind tone "We question things. Which is good, from a developmental view point, helped technology grow and such, but... we also question ourselves. Our own thinking. We question how we perceive things, we question if things happened the way we think they did, we question how we feel and why we feel things... and that happens so sometimes we need to be reminded of things, even if they were said before. Our memory is selective, we were not made to live hundreds of thousands of years like you, so sometimes our brain chooses to believe one thing over another, and if we don't get confirmation, it's overwritten."

Freddie huffed, "You risked your life for love?" He asked incredulously, "I just don't understand all those sacrifices for love. It just doesn't make sense," he admitted.

Freddie considered it for a moment, "I'm not gonna lie and say things with Cameron aren't amazing but if the price to keep doing it is to change it for his emotional comfort, I think it's better to change it than hurt him cause I'm not able to give him what he wants," he said simply. "But you know what's funny? We're not humans. You and Cameron aren't humans anymore and I've never been. You two are still holding to your loss humanity and that's why you keep questioning things. I don't work like that. I say and do the things I mean, and I don't like to be questioned about it."

Adam chuckled at the reaction of the horseman "It wasn't sacrifice, it was an investment" he said with a soft smile "Devon made my chest feel so full, experience such bliss, that-" he chuckled almost embarrassedly "That I was too selfish to give it away. I wanted to keep that joy in my life, that... peace that came from knowing he was okay. That he was happy and safe."

"You didn't answer the question, Freddie" Adam said softly "You just said you put his emotional well-being over what you want. It sounds a bit of a sacrifice to me, doesn't it?" It was almost a tease, but Adam made sure to show he wasn't pushing and didn't mean much by it. "Oh, but I wasn't trying to say you are like us, I was simply showing you how our minds work. It's not that we're holding onto humanity, it's that we've been humans for most of our time on earth. That's how we learned to be, to behave." He shrugged "You don't like to be questioned, he needs to make those questions, which shouldn't work. Why do you keep him around, then?"

Freddie arched a brow, “If your friend hadn’t been there you would’ve died. You didn’t know you were gonna get away with it and yet you risked all those marvelous things he gave you and the worst part is that you wouldn’t have been able to stop him from dying if your friend hadn’t turned you… it sounds kinda stupid. You got lucky It worked out, but that’s not how it always goes,” he said cynically, “I see one of my siblings in a darker place than their own existence ever gave them just because they let themselves feel something for someone, now they’re in a worse state than they were before. How is that worth it?” he asked simply.

He rolled his eyes, “It’s not a sacrifice, it’s just sex and I can get it anywhere else,” he said simply as if he was convinced of that statement. “The sooner you let go to that lingering humanity, the easier it’ll be. I actually kinda get it, I’m the other way around, I’m supposed to learn to be more human while you and him and everyone who started as human need to learn to be less human,” he pointed, “I kept him around cause I thought he understood what this was. He agreed with our arrangement. Hell! He even said it was better for him if this was just sex and now he's pushing for more so you’re right, maybe it’s better to end this,” he agreed, “it’s not like either of us are unable to find someone else to fuck,” he said simply with a shrug.

Adam laughed at that accusation "Yeah, I did get very lucky. It was still very worth it. You see, I almost died in the first place because of someone I loved" he said "And then I became a reaper so he could know I didn't blame him, so he wouldn't be in pain. And then I died again, because of someone I love. And I'd die a thousand times over, if it was for the hope that I could keep someone I love from suffering." He paused "What do you have to show for, Freddie? Without ever loving someone. Why walk around the Earth, if you don't establish one single connection? Is the sex enough for you?"

The vampire listened attentively as Freddie piled on lies even Adam could see through. "Then you really should end it, and I'll get out of your hair" he said, making a move to leave, then stopping on his tracks and turning back "Although, I'd like to make you one last question before I do, if that's okay. You never answered my question, and that's fine, I respect it, you don't have to answer anything you don't want to." He said softly, raising his hands to show he wasn't pushing "I'd just like to know though" Adam pointed at the floor "Why are those flowers dead?"

Freddie rolled his eyes, “dude you died twice for love and I’m sorry but that’s the stupidest thing I’ve heard so far… it’s cool and all, but don’t assume everyone is so selfless or care that much. That’s not the norm and no one should aspire to die for love. Are you supposed to live for love? It just makes absolutely no sense,” he said annoyed. “I’m only here cause being non corporeal had turned stupidly boring, so I decided to give this human game a try but honestly, the expectations are too annoying and I’m not gonna trade a life of imprisonment for duty for another one for feelings,” he pointed, “it is. It has been for the las two hundred years so no reason to complicate my temporary existence here for anyone.”

“I’m pretty sure it’s over already,” he shrugged. He huffed cause he had just told Adam he didn’t like to be questioned and here he was, questioning him. He arched a brow and looked at the dead grass and flowers around him, “Because sometimes I lose control of my powers when someone upsets me. So don’t think too hard on that, it happens more often than you imagine when my siblings are around,” he said simply walking back to the door to the club, “If you need magical potions for healing you need to look for a witch, not on clubs, keep that in mind in case that idiot decides to keep ignoring the magical aid you say they give in that stupid club. And for the record, Nephilim are healers so I’m sure Cameron will be alright. Now I have to go back to work. Have a nice night Adam,” he said without looking back as he returned to the bar.

#para: Adam #para: When we long to feel alive?#tw mentions of blood #mentions of death tw #emotional blockage tw #emotionally insensitive tw

1 note · View note