#ellie not having to live with so much survivors guilt

[stories-and-coffee]

I'm just thinking about how riley wanted to be part of a family again so desperately that she joined the fireflies, and if she'd been immune like ellie, they could've had that together.

[elliespuns]

A lot of people think that Joel did a bad thing by saving Ellie, saying he was selfish and disrespectful toward her because all she ever wanted was to save the world and he was selfish enough to deny her that wish. Well, that's one thing.

The other thing is that no one told Ellie what they were planning to do with her. No one told her that she was going to die. They literally had her there, alive and well. They had to talk to her at some point after saving her from drowning. It's obvious she must have been conscious before the surgery because if they hadn't saved her when they found her with Joel, she would have died on the spot. And yet they still said nothing to her. They didn't inform her. And the worst thing is, they didn't intend to. She was a poor, uninformed child that they only wanted to take advantage of. For the greater good, yes. But at what cost?

Taking her life without giving her some time to think it through first? Without letting her decide, when was the right time to do this, or when was the last time she could annoy Joel with her silly jokes or read her favorite comic? Without letting her experience things for the last time before taking her life? Without letting her say goodbye.

This is exactly the reason why I sympathize with Joel, because he might have disrespected Ellie's wish, but he did that out of pure love, and I honestly think that if Ellie had been talked through what they were planning to do with her and her brain, she would have hesitated or needed time to think about it at least. I even believe that, more likely, she wouldn't have done it in the end if having to die was the only option.

And I know. Ellie was mad at Joel because she got to find out in the form of a harsh truth that was the result of lies that came from the only person she has ever loved so deeply. Of course, she was going to be mad and disappointed. But I honestly think that if she knew right from the start what the Fireflies wanted to do to her, everything would be so different.

I often think about what it would be like if Joel wasn't unconscious and if Marlene was just straight with Ellie at the time, and both Ellie and Joel got to hear the doctor say that for the vaccine to be made, Ellie was going to have to die. Joel would probably snap in front of the doctor and Ellie, like, "No, no fucking way! You're not doing this. You want to kill this kid, you gotta kill me first." and Ellie would witness, for the first time, just how much that man cares about her, and THIS - this would be the moment of her realizing that her life actually does matter. Matter to Joel. So the decision she would have to make about whether to die or not would be a lot harder for her.

Because up until this point, Ellie has only lived with the burden of survivor guilt and felt like she had no one except for herself and her selfless need to help others. So, eventually dying for a cure that would save the world would seem to her like a good thing to do.

But if she knew that someone already cared about her this much, especially if this someone would be Joel—someone who has been a father figure to her ever since they crossed paths—she wouldn't have done it. Which, of course, she didn't realize back when she found out the truth at 17. All she felt at that time was just betrayal. It hurt her so much that she couldn't see past it.

But it was a few years later, when she and Joel spoke on his porch, that she finally understood just how much he had already cared about her back then and finally saw it through his eyes.

That man has only ever had one purpose in his life. To keep this baby girl safe and to make her happy.

[elliewillicms]

Adding in Ellie trying to save Sam with her blood gives us even more insight into how much survivor’s guilt she has. All these people in her life have been infected and died so she desperately needs her immunity to matter. By believing that her immunity can change things it can ease the painful thought that she just got lucky to live instead of them. Her immunity has to have meaning for her keep going it can’t just be for nothing.

[sundownpromises]

The Beauty in The Last of Us Part II's Ending

I just want to take a minute to ramble about the ending of TLOU2 because it is one of the most beautiful endings to a game ever.

It’s so easy to watch the ending and feel nothing but sadness for Ellie. Her worst fear came true – ending up alone. But something that I love about this ending is the renewed sense of hope that you feel. Or that I felt, at least.

After the final cutscene with Joel, when we see Ellie’s face, she seems at peace. To me, I see the face of someone who has finally learned to forgive. I think this moment is the moment we finally see Ellie silently realize that the only way to truly heal is to accept what has happened and to let it go. She will never forget everything that happened; that much is clear. Trauma is not something that one can forget, and even if she could, the physical scars and her missing fingers will remain a constant reminder of all that she’s lost and has endured. But now we see Ellie finally reach the point in her journey where she is able to outgrow that trauma. Her trauma, which was once a heavy ball of lead tied around her ankle, has now become small enough that she can walk without the weight. 

And then, of course, we see her leave the guitar behind. I’ve always believed that this symbolizes not leaving Joel behind, but instead no longer resenting him, understanding him, and learning to move on. Sure, she can no longer play the guitar in the same way she used to, and that’s heart-breaking. The guitar was such a clear connection between Joel and Ellie, and it has been said that now that she can no longer play that that connection is broken. But what if that’s not such an awful thing? I believe that there is a silver lining; she will always have other things to remember him by because Joel is always to her. She’s got the pin he gave her for her birthday. She’s got drawings of him in her journal (now that she can finally imagine him not in pain but in tranquility), and most importantly, memories. Yes, she has lost a lot, so much, including the one physical object that directly tied her to Joel -- but what is grief, if not love persevering?

 And when we see her walk into the forestry, she walks with determined steps. It is unclear where she is going – but I think at this point, after all Ellie has been through, she sees the futility in unnecessary violence. In a world that is so unforgiving and cruel, what is truly lacking is love and compassion. Ellie is capable of giving and receiving both of those things. She doesn’t have a violent heart; it’s just that the world that she grew up in has shown her nothing but pain and loss. Her circumstances have caused her to react in the only way that she saw fit (further proving that the world Ellie lives in is the true villain of this game, but that is for another post). But we see it with Dina, we see it with Joel, Maria, Tommy, Jesse, and we see it in her survivor’s guilt that she feels toward Tess, Riley, and Sam. We have seen the love and compassion that she has felt for all of these people no matter how short lived the relationship.

This point brings me to a particular line of dialogue from the first game that I absolutely love. It is a line that Joel says to Ellie at the very end:

You keep finding something to fight for.

Is that not what survival is all about? Is that not what enduring is all about? To survive is to find meaning in that survival. When I see Ellie walk off at the end of Part 2, I like to believe that she is going to find meaning elsewhere – whatever that may look like. Personally, I could see her running into another group of survivors who take her in, and she helps them and she cares for them because she knows that that’s how she should be living her life – doing good by other people (or perhaps she truly does go back to Jackson, which I could also envision). She knows that that’s what Joel would want for her. 

The Last of Us Part II is a game full of so much tragedy and despair and yet… there is hope to be found. Some people don’t like the ending because it is so open-ended and ambiguous. But personally that’s why I find it so profound and beautiful. I don’t have all the answers but instead I am left with a feeling; a feeling of hope. A renewed sense of faith. That is enough for me. To be teased with that silver lining and to be left alone with my own thoughts, to come up with my own conclusions, is an extremely impactful way to end a game. Wherever Ellie is, I just hope she’s happy. That’s what she deserves.

I think as people who consume media (movies, TV shows, books, games, etc), we're so used to seeing endings that feel truly resolved. In other words, endings that answer all of our pressing questions. But the fact that TLOU2's ending just leaves you with a feeling is so beautiful to me. Ellie's new journey is just beginning, and we as players are not going on that journey with her (at least not until Part 3). It is bittersweet in a way. We can only hope.

[softpascalito]

Pedro Pascal Kinktober Day Nineteen

Brushing Teeth - Joel Miller/F!Reader

Summary: Grief is cruel and just because you and Joel live in the safe haven that is the Jackson community it does not mean you're immune to it.

Possibly the saddest (but also kinda best) thing I have written so far.

Relationships: Joel Miller x F!Reader

WC: 2400

Tags/Warnings: Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Character Death, Grief/Mourning, Established Relationship, jackson era, No use of y/n, Crying, past trauma, Survivor Guilt, Protective Joel (The Last of Us), Good Parent Joel (The Last of Us), Tooth Brushing, This is like seriously sad pls beware, Author has already scheduled a therapist appointment

AO3 LINK

notes: a huge thank you to my beta babes maria and aura for reading this a month in advance. i love you both so much.

this is a really, really sad fic. it's likely not gonna go the way you think. please continue with caution <3

_________________________________________

Circles

He died just after sunrise.

It had been supposed to be a simple shift, guarding the perimeter from one of the high posts along the fence that stretched around Jackson. The wood had been icy, slippery. There had been a railing. But when his heart had failed and he had collapsed to the ground, slipping over it like an ice rink, it hadn't been able to stop his body from falling.

There was nothing that could have been done. He had been old, older than most. Even with modern medicine, his condition would have caught up to him sooner or later.

Fate had decided on sooner.

Word hadn't reached Joel before he had left for patrol and so he had spent the day clearing Infected and checking the lookouts, unaware of the tragedy that had, for once, struck within the very borders of home. It wasn't until he came back in the early evening, that he noticed something was off.

There were no children bustling around on the playground, no adults studying the notice boards to see which movie was on tonight or who offered guitar lessons. Curtains were drawn shut. It was quiet.

The somber look on Tommy's face, who was waiting for Joel at the stables, was enough to send him into a panic.

Where is she? Where is she? Where is she?

Tommy must have seen it coming because he had already raised his hands, as if surrendering to his brother, ”They're both fine.” Joel nodded solemnly as Tommy explained, repeating the events of the day in a few words.

He could live with that. As long as it wasn��'t Ellie. Or you. Never you.

Ellie had spent the day with you, trying to look after you, doing the best she could. She was waiting in the large armchair in the living room, as close to the front door as she physically could.

Joel practically barges in, his gaze quickly checking the adjacent rooms. When he sees Ellie, he immediately relaxes a bit, knowing that at least someone has been here. Someone who kept watch.

“How is she?” He asks, disregarding any need for a greeting towards the teenager. She doesn't seem to mind, instead hopping up from the seat and walking with him, the pair quickly moving through the hallway.

“I gave her some food. I don't think she ate any of it. She wouldn't talk to me either. I'm sorry, Joel, I-'' He quickly shakes his head. He'll take care of Ellie, reassure her that she did a good job, which he undoubtedly knows she did. But Ellie is not the person in this house who needs him the most right now. Ellie is not the person who lost someone today.

“Later, okay?” Joel demands softly. His voice carries an underlying, stern tone that he rarely uses anymore. In other circumstances, Ellie would get mad at him, but she understands. He is in survival mode. He is making sure the people he loves are still there. He is scared.

Joel remembers your form that he had left behind this morning. Still in bed, sleepy, only reluctantly pressing a small kiss to his lips, the sweet promise of a few more minutes of sleep too tempting to ignore. He remembers the night before, the bubbly, talkative personality you usually have, that is a just little too much for him sometimes.

Your world had changed in just a few hours, a few minutes. And he hadn't been here.

Why had he not been here?

“Are you okay?” Ellie asks hesitantly and only then Joel realizes that he's stopped in the middle of the hallway. He continues his steps.

“Why wouldn't I be?” Ellie gives a shrug next to him but Joel barely notices, still too caught up in his thoughts.

He needs to see you. See that you are fine, just like Tommy had promised. Not truly fine, maybe, but alive. Breathing.

As they reach the old, wooden staircase, Ellie stops, taking in Joels gaze, that to her, still seems miles away, ”She wouldn't leave the bed. I barely recognized her.”

Joel just nods, his worry growing with every word. His grip on the banister tightens slightly, knuckles turning white.

“Go see her,” Ellie whispers and gently nudges him.

“Right.” That finally gets Joel to move again, his voice a little higher than usual and trembling slightly. Ellie knows he is close to crying. She presses her fist into his back a little harder and he nods again before he hurries up the stairs two steps at a time.

It's not until he reaches the end of the landing, until he is two steps away from the bedroom door that he slows down. Once again, uncertainty takes over his body. What does he say? Do? He's not equipped to handle this, he's not good with emotions, much less sad ones.

He's not sure what happens. An instinct takes over, steering his body steadily towards the door and pulling his fingers towards the brass handle. Maybe it's some old, parental instinct from before the outbreak, that he still carries buried in the back of his mind. Either way, he sends a silent, thankful prayer that it's there, that it allows him to continue putting one foot in front of the other despite having no idea how to.

The wooden door creaks slightly as he pushes it open. It's a familiar sound, more comforting than unnerving.

Joel is greeted by cold and darkness. He shivers as he steps into the room:'' Jesus Christ.” He mutters under his breath. He doesn't have to wait until his eyes adjust to the light. He can find his way in the darkness. 

He quickly turns the radiator higher, another familiar noise flaring up. Familiar is good. Familiar is safe.

He doesn't want to turn on the big light but he finds the switch for the small lamp in the corner and finally, he can take in the scene before him. His gaze is immediately caught by the bed in the middle of the room.

Whenever he goes out on patrol and you get the bed to yourself, you make use of his absence by occupying the entire bed, sprawling yourself out in the middle of the worn-out mattress. More than once, he had to physically fight you if he wanted his side of the bed back.

Now, however, you aren't in your usual position. You are curled up, tucked into the far corner of the bed, blankets and pillows wrapped around what Joel can only assume to be your body, some of them resting against the headboard.

It almost looks like you are trying to protect yourself, shield yourself from the grief that is knocking on the door downstairs, that is coming the same way he just has, slipping into the dark, cold room. A nest, to fend off the grief. Joel knows it wont work. He has tried.

A few of your limbs poke out from holes in the fortress of pillows and blankets and Joel softens slightly as his gaze wanders over them. He suddenly wants to run again, but he is afraid it'll startle you so instead, he approaches slowly, softly, like one may approach a wounded animal.

The bed dips slightly beside you as he sits down, his strong arms immediately wandering under the covers, searching for you. He finds the fabric of a shirt first, and then there's skin. Soft, gentle skin and he wants to cry with the familiarity of it. Looking down, he isn't surprised to see the shirt he had discarded last night, his favorite green flannel, now wrapped around your trembling body.

The thoughts come back. A small body, wrapped in a flannel shirt. He has seen it often enough to fill several lifetimes. He doesn't mind it anymore.

He knows it's a lie. He does mind it.

They had wrapped Sarah in flannel.

He can still see her. Still see the shirt, stained with blood. There had been so much blood.

Joel thinks about his daughter, his everything, his whole world, taken from him, wrapped in a shirt and buried in a backyard under a tree somewhere in Texas.

Joel knows he can't have these thoughts right now. He takes a deep breath, filling his lungs until they feel like they're bursting. He pushes the thoughts away. Later.

His right arm finds your hair and you finally make a noise, whimpering softly at finally, finally having him here with you.

The blanket is gently pulled to the side, allowing Joel to see your face. Your hair is messy, your cheeks tear-streaked, eyes red and puffy from crying. You look like you have just been through hell.

Joel reminds himself you probably have.

His insides clench as he pushes down his own tears. And then you open your mouth.

“It was supposed to be my shift.”

That's all it takes. He hates himself because he's supposed to be there for you, he's supposed to be strong. But the fear is stronger, the knowledge that he could've lost you today gripping him again and not letting him breathe.

He leans forward in an attempt to hide his tears, his face, his own sorrow and you break too, shamelessly sobbing into his chest. You stay entangled like this, bodies pressed tightly together, you crying loudly and him crying silently. It feels like a long time. Your voice becomes hoarse but the sobs wont stop. You're not sure they ever will.

Joel moves, eventually, kneeling down on the floor so that his face is level with yours and he can study your face. His hands remain on your skin, not once breaking contact. He rubs small circles into your skin, caressing every part of you he can reach. 

Nothing can touch you as long as he does.

“Gonna help you a bit. That alright, darlin'?” He mumbles softly. Your answer comes automatically, the same one you've given Ellie throughout the day, ''I'm not hungry.”

“I know you ain't,” Joel mumbles. He lets it slide:” But we should clean you up. Just a bit.” He promises as he leans forward and kisses your cheek. You don't struggle as he picks you up more carefully than ever, hoisting you onto his hips and wrapping his arms around your legs to keep you upright against his chest. It's almost like being carried by a father.

Joel takes you into the bathroom, sitting you down on the counter. There is a bald patch on the wall where a mirror used to be until he gave it to Ellie. He always gives.

Patiently, he waits until the water is lukewarm and then begins wiping your face with a washcloth. You probably smell but you can't bring yourself to care and neither does Joel.

He moves on to your hair, untying the knot that once resembled some sort of hairstyle and brushing through it with his fingers for a moment before tying it back again. His movements are so gentle, so smooth. You watch as he grabs your toothbrush, gently wetting it and putting some toothpaste on, his left hand all the while remaining on your thigh.

Joel gently nudges the toothbrush against your mouth and you dutifully open up, allowing him to start brushing your teeth, still as gentle as he can.

He can feel the sadness again, threatening to overwhelm him. He brushes in small circles.

The last time he had done this was with Sarah. She was eight. She had been sick then, caught a stomach bug at soccer camp and thrown up for days. Joel had dragged his mattress to her room, sleeping beside her.

He moves on to the other side of your mouth. More circles.

Sarah had vomited on him, in the middle of the night, staining both the carpet and his pants. He hadn't batted an eye, just stripped the beds and taken her to the bathroom to clean her up. All he had needed was for her to feel better. And if him enduring it would lessen her suffering, he would have chosen it time and time again.

He doesn't say this. He thinks he may, some day. But not anytime soon.

Circles. Joel brushes in circles.

When he's done, he holds a cup to your lips and you lean sideward, spitting into the sink. He is still caressing your thigh, a constant, reassuring touch. He brings his other hand up to your face, using his thumb to wipe the last bit of toothpaste off the corner of your mouth.

“Let's get back to bed, hm?” You don't trust your voice again yet so you just nod and sniffle a bit. As he picks you up again, you feel another wave, a nauseous wave of grief coming down on you. You think he feels it too because he grips you a little tighter. You start crying again.

You return to the mess of pillows and blankets that still cover half the bed. But now he is there with you. His too large frame under the covers next to you, watching with sad, brown eyes as you curl up against him. He pats your hair, leans down and gently presses a kiss to your forehead. It has been ages.

The small streak of light that falls through a hole in the blankets reflects in his broken watch for a split moment. He looks down at it, the motion so familiar still. And he knows. He knows how you feel.

“Get some rest, babygirl,” he whispers. He'll do right by you. He won't let you go through the things he did. You close your eyes, taking in his smell, his warmth. It feels different now.

It could've been her. It could've been her. Thank god it wasn't her.

You're still in his arms, you're still here, still breathing, chest falling and rising in a semi-steady rhythm. He makes the choice in that moment. Or, he realizes it. He feels like he has made it a long time ago.

He will endure it. He will endure everything if it just takes away a little of your grief, of your pain.

He doesn't need to say it. It's an unspoken truth.

Joel Miller will be there.

[nerdieforpedro]

Day Twelve - Daydream

Word Count: 767

Warnings: Joel is very much in his FEELINGS, guilt, self-loathing, grief, imagined poisoning attempt, COFFEE, do I have a thing with porches now?

Notes: Joel Miller may have some survivor's guilt. I wanted to explore what he might be thinking about in Jackson, where he's safe with Ellie. I mean maybe, I dunno. I am familiar with how thoughts can swirl.

Main Masterlist / March Spring Prompts 2024 / Writing Challenges

Joel Miller’s mind wonders more than people realize. He’s aware that he’s thought of as a boogeyman, legend, nightmare, murderer in the various places he’s been, also here in Jackson too. He keeps a small core group: Tommy and Elle, his brother and his kid. There’s also Maria who tolerates him because he’s useful and her husband’s brother, otherwise she’s on the side of the vast majority in Jackson who steer clear of him. He’s used to the ire and navigating it with a scowl and indifference. He’s aware of what he’s done, worse than people think and he doesn’t regret it. He’s still standing. Joel Miller is still alive. There are times he’s able to picture his daughter Sarah’s face, oddly when he’s out on patrol and sees crimson roses or yellow pansies. If she was here with him, he’d be motivated to do worse to keep her safe, or maybe because she’s with him, he wouldn’t need to. The echoes of her laughter and playful mockery of his lack of culinary skills makes him still form laugh lines on his face when he’s by himself and between the tears.

There are other times where Joel finds himself curious how Tess would do in a place like Jackson. How big of a pissing match would her and Maria have over how things should be run? Would she even care enough to stay or want to keep moving like they had been, smuggling to survive? Would her hair look the same with the sunlight hitting it through the window, a straw yellow with streaks of brown? The same deep breaths against his back as he stays somewhat alert just in case. Just because he’s gotten used to life without her doesn’t mean he doesn’t remember the way Tess smelled or comforted him in some of his darkest days.

It's a rare day he’s not on patrol. Elle’s gone off to classes and he’s sitting on his porch. It’s cool so he has on his green flannel over his white t-shirt and jeans. The air is helping him to wake up in addition to the coffee he’s drinking. It’s horrible, but it was this or some flower tea Maria suggested. She could be trying to poison him; he didn’t know what flower that was.

“Good morning, Joel.”

You greet him despite knowing who he is and what he’s done. Joel’s fairly certain you at least have an idea. Your small wave and warm smile have him sip his coffee to hide his own. He can’t smile for you, you’re not one of his people. He nods after he pulls his cup back from his mouth, certain he can keep his face neutral. He raises his hand, and you nod, heading down the road. You live three houses down, in a small house by yourself. Patrol with you isn’t horrible. You’re a damn good shot and keep your wits about you. On patrol Joel trusts you with his back, and you talk to him, like you did just now. It’s not much, but he’s loathe to admit how much it does mean to him. He’s seen the second floor of your house and that you still have the fuchsia primrose he’d given you a few weeks ago. Miller was surprised that you’d kept it.

Joel was curious about how conversations with you would go if he was ever keen to speak outside of clickers, raiders and landmarks on patrol. You’d likely listen to him, let him talk for a bit as he clumsily asked you some simple question like what you did before Jackson. He was glad you were close in age to him. Well, he’d put you late thirties at the youngest but he’d bet on early to mid forties, given how calm you are and that you seem to have experienced life before everything went to hell, you couldn’t be much younger. Maybe you’d tell him about family you used to have or what our old job used to be if you had one. What could Joel Miller picture your profession as?

He sees you as capable so it could be any and everything. Maybe you had several. His eyes close as he sips his coffee again, the warm liquid sliding down his throat with a gulp. Could he sit out in that field and sip coffee with you? Did you even like coffee? As the sun continued to rise, Joel was curious if you’d sit with him again on a rock but this time side by side so he could talk to you. So many daydreams.

[jackietaylorsghost]

i just finished playing parts 1 and 2 of tlou for the first time and, as someone who has grown to love joel and ellie very much within the span of 72 hours and found their characterization in pt 2 to be straight up bizarre, your takes on the game are a godsend. the rage in my heart cannot be extinguished but it can be soothed. thank u for ur service 🫡

you’re welcome!! it’s baffling to me how many people seem to have mindlessly taken it all in, just letting themselves be force fed some bullshit morality tale with no thought cus… yeah it’s bad ajsjjs. the gameplay is good although a little repetitive since it’s more open, the graphics are stunning, and as a disabled person who can struggle with games sometimes the accessibility is next level. they definitely get credit for that!

but the narrative is terrible. for a start it’s chock full of contrivances. abby happens to find tommy and then when she’s looking for him after making a FOURTEEN DAY JOURNEY across a dangerous world she gets into trouble and who should save her but joel! who then runs into a lodge unarmed with a group of strangers after 20 years of being on his guard. and then ellie runs into the room too unarmed despite the noises she can hear coming from it, even though she took on david and his cronies at 14 and got the better of them lol? then they all travel another FOURTEEN DAYS no problems, they find who they need in a huge city, ellie leaves a handy map for abby to find her. it’s absurd. one or two contrivances i can ignore but when you’re that reliant on them for your plot it’s not good writing!

then there’s ellie ‘im scared to end up alone’ ‘you’re the only person to never leave me and id be more scared without you’ williams. a girl who lost her best friend/first love traumatically and had a whole ‘let’s make the most of the time we have left’ thing with her… and she doesn’t speak to the most important person in her life for 2 years?? not my ellie lmao. i can see her being mad. i can see her being cold to him. I can see that relationship being different bcus of joel’s lie. i can’t see her going cold turkey whilst living on the same property as him for that long. i can’t see her never asking him for a proper explanation in that time. she leaves everything behind eventually despite her fears and how important the notion of family is to her. bye dina and jj. and then at the end… it’s pointless! she didn’t even get her revenge after becoming unrecognisable, leaving her loved ones behind, and killing a slew of people to get there. nor does she develop lol AT ALL. at 14 she had survivors’s guilt and was ready to sacrifice her life bcus of that and a belief her life doesn’t matter and then at 19 she’s the same! there’s no lightbulb moment where she’s like OH my life does matter it does have value none of my friends’ deaths were my fault and i don’t need to die for absolution. there’s no moment she realises why joel saved her. she’s stagnant. it’s so miserable. and it haunts me what we could have had if joel hadn’t been killed off for torture porn shock value. if they’d had to go on some journey with their relationship cold and not As It Was and along the way ellie has that understanding that her life DOES matter. ‘no one wants the same story they played in tlou blah blah boring’ LOL YES?? ellie and joel are why ppl loved part 1 and that’s why they had to lie so much in the lead up to the game and marketing. ‘this is a story about joel and ellie that’s why we decided not to have it about new characters’ lie ‘we love joel and ellie and we’re going to treat them with respect’ lie, plus aging joel and ellie up in the trailers and inserting joel into the trailer in a way that made ppl think they were going on a journey. it was a deliberate lie to make ppl who wanted more joel and ellie buy the game and they told it for a reason. and besides there’s a difference between ‘i just met you and i don’t like you rn but slowly im gonna love you’ and ‘i love you but i don’t much like you’ and that difference is actually fascinating and could have been used to rlly good effect instead of… all those stupid contrivances and torture porn!

and then there’s joel lmao. even the opening when he says ‘i saved her’ is so funny his expression his tone it’s literally disney/marvel villain sjsjsjd i cannot take it seriously. beyond that there’s such a dissonance between a) what actually happens in part 1 and what they say in part 2 and b) the violent world they’ve put him/us in and then asked us to get across in one piece with a kid in part 1 and how he’s then judged for that in part 2. ‘get this kid across the country but when WE make it so you’re attacked in every chapter and have to defend yourself/ellie we are going to say joel is a cruelly violent man’ ‘get this kid across the county without letting her die when you’re attacked pls and btw in part 2 we are going to say you taught her violence and corrupted her’ never mind that it’s impossible joel could have done the job in the world THEY created and then punished us for acting accordingly in, but also that he doesn’t even give her a gun until using one makes her sick and it’s not a fun toy to her. and even then it’s for emergencies. he never attacks first, he only defends. and they made it that way! that specific world is useless in moralising to us about violence bcus of that dissonance. none? of? us? can? help? it? ‘be violent when ur attacked or you’ll die and can’t progress the story but we are gonna punish and villainise and demonise you for it in part 2’ ‘kill hundreds of people and dogs, torture people, but did you know violence is bad actually??’. ABSURD. and in that hospital joel was NOT the aggressor. honestly the whole thing would have worked better if abby’s revenge had been for pointless violence. but from the point we know him joel is never violent until they are attacked first. that’s inarguable fact. even tommy in part 2 tells ellie joel wouldn’t have gone to seattle for revenge if it had been one of them! it’s been a long time since he did terrible things and im not saying that makes it ok (except he’s hot and not real so idc) BUT that aside the point is, he doesn’t go looking for it, and it’s never pointless anymore. but he’s the Big Bad Evil who deserves to die like a dog and we know you all love joel but we’re gonna make you hear it and watch it and also in the whole game we are gonna make him the punching bag we are not even going to ONCE let him open his mouth and explain what really happened in that hospital and why he saved ellie (yeah he’s so terrible for not letting a suicidal 14yr old kill herself)! which rlly brings us back round to the dissonance cus they’ve ALL done shitty stuff to survive including abby but she’s gonna be the one to ‘stop horrible evil villain joel in his tracks’ when he’s been living quietly in jackson for 5 years and she’s gonna get her revenge and then after get a happy hopeful ending all to show us violence and revenge is bad which a) falls flat bcus what? revenge makes you lose everything and end up alone except not for abby! and b) she’s objectively just as awful if not more so than joel but she’s the one who has to stop him and gets a nice redemption arc with a hopeful happy ending and joel has to die! abby:

shows great pleasure in slowly torturing joel and then killing him brutally

does the above in front of his screaming kid who’s being held down and forced to watch even though just finding her dad’s body is traumatising for her

is in an authoritarian militia who is intent on wiping out anyone else out in seattle lol?

kills people for that militia including kids

after torturing joel and killing him is so deeply unaffected by it she laments the fact she hasn’t got time to torture some seraphites who are chained up in cells

kills jessie when he’s unarmed cus she rlly learnt violence and revenge was so awful and took everything from you. wait, no, only ellie had to learn that lesson and end up alone. she also shoots and injured tommy!

once again shows sadistic pleasure in the idea of killing when she’s about to slit dina’s throat. this pleasure is bcus she’s pregnant so again yeah she rlly was so affected by her violence and revenge lmao.

never shows any great remorse beyond a throwaway line, meanwhile ellie loses absolutely everything including her fingers and joel, peacefully minding his business in jackson is the villain who deserves to brutally die and even after he’s dead he’s further villanised by the narrative lol even tho he was right to kill jerry fuck that man!

it’s just completely nonsensical! not only are they moralising to us in a world that doesn’t suit it, but they can’t even do it well!

it’s also just relentless misery and torture porn. kill all these ppl kill these dogs watch joel die horribly beat ellie up as the person who killed him even though you love her and are attached to her (really struggle to understand where im meant to find empathy for abby during this, esp after jessie and then the whole dina bit) watch ellie lose her family lose her fingers and end up alone which was her greatest fear. don’t even get me started on the section that posits ellie as a david figure down to gameplay mechanics and the theatre set up which is beyond vile when he tormented her when she was a fucking kid and the voice actor has talked about how he was going to r*** her. it’s vile enough that they took the first lesbian protagonist of an AAA game and tortured her for 25 hours straight and turned her into the villain but to also position her as her own fucking predator is straight up horrific. cus that’s not a stereotype in the lgbt community… as an aside, troy saying joel is the same as david is the stupidest thing ive ever heard and he should shut up forever.

on top of all that the game is homophobic, transphobic and racist. neil got the idea when he fantasised about killing palestinians in revenge… yikes. you can even see how the conflict between the wlf and the seraphites mirrors what’s going on in palestine. it’s actually a plot that’s very similar to an early iteration of tlou1 that was stopped cus... it didn’t make sense for anyone in that world to travel when it’s so dangerous just to get revenge ajsjsjs come back bruce! (ppl like to forget he was integral to part 1)

this game doesn’t respect the characters, it doesn’t respect the world, and it sure as heck doesn’t respect us. it takes the ambiguity from the end of part 1 which made it SO great and rips it to shreds. instead of being allowed to make our own minds up they ram down our throats that joel was completely wrong in the way they punish him through the narrative and ellie (the ellie part just makes it worse :/). goodbye nuance goodbye grey area. the reaction to it from gamers who hail it as a narrative masterpiece and love abby whilst arguing joel is a villain who deserved to die show what propaganda was invented for actually! and then ppl have the audacity to say if you don’t like the game you’re a homophobic woman hater with no depth or nuance ITS LAUGHABLE.

i found the experience of playing the game so genuinely traumatic it was that full of torture porn but the good news is the further out i get from playing the game the better it gets. i haven’t cried for days and days about it which is a record!! and at that point it gets so much easier to disengage from part 2 and just enjoy the actual masterpiece part 1 was.

[skoulsons]

Triage Analysis part 1

WARNING: heavy talk of suicide and attempts, so just a forewarning

I wrote the later paragraphs first and then went back to the beginning ones, so if I repeat something like seven times, please forgive me as I wrote this a bit out of order :)

SECOND PART IS HERE

“Second day.”

“I’ve gotta hand it to the Army people. They were way better at stitchin’ you up than I was.”

“It was me.”

He stood back as she continued on. He stood and waited to tell her about it. Even though he claims, “there’s no story,” he stops for that exact reason. He tells her a vulnerable and emotional part of his story. He could’ve continued walking and telling her about his attempt in a nonchalant way. But this is something he needs her to hear. Something he wants her to hear because he understands what she’s fighting right now, and he is willing to put such a heavy part of him out there in hopes that she will lean on him and his understanding of what she’s going through. He hangs back because this is something you sit down for. Even if you’re just sharing this part of your life with another person to let them know that part about you, it’s not something you just bring up in a passing conversation. It’s serious. It’s worth sitting down over. It should be heard in an intimate setting, and that’s exactly how they do it.

“I was the guy who shot and missed.”

There’s a hint of confusion when she first looks at him. She was told at the start of their journey together that it happened in a gunfight. That he and someone else had a back and forth of missed shots and he was grazed in the process. And she, until this point, has believed that as the truth. Joel has obviously come up with that as his cover story for where his scar comes from. It makes sense to be grazed like that, especially in the world they live in. More than this, Joel was always honest with her with everything he told her, and she knew that. Why doubt him? Furthermore, she didn’t know how broken he was at the episode 3 point of their relationship. Him contemplating and attempting suicide wasn’t on her list of things she expected him to have thought about or tried. Maybe once or twice, but not convincing enough for the thought to last.

And then it’s understanding. It’s this moment of, oh, you mean you missed in that way, but she doesn’t quite know why until he says. Now, we don’t know how vulnerable he’s been these last few months post-David. We see how he’s grown and how he smiles and continually tries his best to keep Ellie engaged and cheer her up. But I do wonder if he has opened much prior to this. They have obviously reached a point of her mental drowning and them getting closer to the hospital for him to bring this up and not earlier on in their journey on after David. Maybe he thinks it’s been long enough since David to comfortably talk about this and for her to not brush him off or refuse to talk about it. Maybe he recognizes some of her survivor’s guilt. Maybe he sees how traumatized she truly is becoming more and more clear to him the more days they’re out here. Maybe he’s thinking about the hospital and how it’ll all go and how she may say “yes” (assuming in his mind they’d both, you know, be told what’s going on and actually be talked through it and told the whole truth of everything) to something like this being done. How he may see she’s not in a good place mentally to make a choice like that on her own (that is if they never did bloodwork or anything else to actually be smart about the whole thing?? I’m not medically educated whatsoever. But if the fireflies actually did take their time and run tests and whatnot, the outcome would most likely be different and she’d be able to make an educated decision with Joel). It’s hard to tell. Maybe a mix, maybe none of those at all and I’m just lying to you all for the sake of overanalyzing.

“There’s no story,”

He’s downplaying it saying it’s not a big deal; there’s no story to it. That his attempt isn’t something “big” that happened to him. That it doesn’t…mean anything. That it didn’t change him as a person. I think, for those of us who are, or have been, in my case, suicidal, we tend to downplay it. We say it’s not a big deal; that it’s passed and we’re fine now (I hope you all are, i love you guys very much <3). It’s often done, as well, to not burden the other person with the information, so we try and say it’s not big deal so that they aren’t concerned for us, if you will. Or maybe that’s just been my case. Joel isn’t telling her this to burden her with the information, though she may still hold on to it, it’s because he wants to help her through the thoughts he knows so well, and this is how he needs to approach her.

This is also when he starts fidgeting because he’s talking about it now. He’s talking about Sarah by name (for probably the first time with Ellie). He’s opening up in a heavy way. He’s talking about his attempt. This old, hardened, survivor of a man is sitting here rubbing the sides of his boots, kicking up dust, and messing with the inside of his cheeks because he’s nervous. He’s reliving old feelings. He’s remembering how he was when he tried; tears streaming down his face hours after Sarah because he couldn’t take living without her. Reliving the mental exhaustion, the depression, anger, denial, and believing he’d failed her. That he’s convinced himself of allowing Sarah to die and he has ultimately failed as a parent. And that probably not being the only time he thought he failed her. He was a single father, he held himself to a high standard when it came to raising and treating her. Maybe he came home too late some nights and she was already asleep. Forgetting about the cake for his birthday that she wanted him to getso they could celebrate together. He probably dropped her off late to school sometimes. Maybe she had some of that teenage anger that they always have when they’re young and she yelled at him and he believed what she said. Maybe the lurking thought in the back of his head that questioned his role and skills as a father. “Am I doing enough? Am I raising her well? Am I good enough for her?”

“Sarah died…and I couldn't see the point anymore. Simple as that.”

First off, his voice cracks at Sarah, further confirming my thought of it being the first time he’s mentioned her by name to Ellie, or aloud at all since her death. My guess, at least. He never looks at her. He’s fidgeting with his feet the whole time while avoiding her gaze. Afraid of how she’ll look at him, maybe, even for a moment. But talking about something personal, especially this, can be uncomfortable. It’s a mix of anxiety and maybe a slight fear of judgment; like she’ll look at him differently after hearing this about him. He’s doing this to help, but it’s not like you’re full of confidence in doing so. Joel already deals with a ton of anxiety as is, so it makes sense.

“And I wasn’t scared, either. I was ready. I couldn’t have been more ready.”

Again, not meeting her gaze. Something that really strikes me in this scene is his, “I couldn’t have been more ready”. I was suicidal for a very, very long time. I’m no longer, praise God, but this is the real rock bottom of it. Knowing full well and clear that you are ready to die. You have truly reached your limit. A lot of the time, there is something that holds your thread. A person, a thing, a group, a motto, whatever it may be. But sometimes, you reach a point where…none of those can uphold you anymore. None of that is worth continuing on for. And for Joel, that was Sarah. The second he lost her, he was ready. “Second day,” as he said. This means hours after Sarah, as she died around 2am the second day the outbreak hit Austin (the guy at the bar that Tommy got arrested over was basically a runner, if I’m correct. That was at 11pm. So, second day to get all practical on you guys). He suffered such an incredible loss that he was ready, right then and there. He lost his breath. He lost his reason for living. That little girl that hugged him tight, cooked breakfast for them, snuggled with him, made sure he got vitamin c, asked him to carry her to bed, who probably kissed him on the cheek when she was little, rode on his shoulders around the county fair, and was emotionally comfortable with him to joke and tease at him without fear of a reaction was gone. And to add the apocalypse on all of it doesn’t make that decision any easier. Tommy could not bring him out. There was no hope for him whatsoever. The world was not going back to normal and Sarah was not coming back to him. He probably purposely got away from Tommy so that Tommy wouldn’t be around. Or, maybe Tommy walked away briefly for whatever reason and Joel had his revolver back, so he took the chance while Tommy’s back was turned to him. But then he fires and Tommy hears it and Tommy freaks out, helping him into that triage for medical help. Tommy probably knowing why and Joel breaking down because “why did I have to flinch?” How Tommy probably tried his best, at least for awhile, to help Joel through it. To keep him out of more attempts. And then they join a group together and Joel directs his anger in that. In torture and murder, even innocent people. His grief and anger fuels how he lives, eventually terrifying Tommy enough with his violence for Tommy to leave him. And then he meets Tess and things are sort of okay for a while. He finds things that keep him barely treading water, no matter what or who they were. Her, pills, alcohol, violence, whatever he can can get his hands on.

“When I- when I- went to pull the trigger…”

Again, continued avoiding her gaze. Now, a anon in my inbox mentioned how Joel’s attempt is why his hearing is also bad, which is a very realistic and most likely correct guess. Maybe firing so many guns could add to that, but it is never mentioned nor insinuated for any other character, even characters it would be more likely for. Tommy, Tess, even Kathleen or Perry or anyone else. So, anon, a fair and probably correct assumption and something that Joel has also created a cover story for, if it is because of his attempt.

He hesitates a bit here saying it because this is the action of doing it. That he did it; it happened. He didn’t just contemplate or idealize or just plan it out and think about it. He acted and pulled that trigger.

“...I-I-I- I flinched.”

He chuckles when he says this. A mix of a coping mechanism, considering he’s probably never told anyone about it, so he fidgets with his feet and bites his cheeks and chuckles. A bit of almost disbelief that he did flinch. How flinching put him exactly where he is now. Thinking that, if he didnt, he'd be with Sarah right now. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t be sitting here right now with this little girl who he is in love with (platonically!!!!!) and cares for just as much as he did for Sarah.

It’s interesting and also incredibly heartbreaking just how close the shot was to him, considering he has a physical scar from making contact with a little bit of skin.. Assuming he used his revolver and not Tommy’s rifle, he would’ve held the barrel against his temple, shaking. Either he flinched his head or his hand away, his head tuning to the left and the barrel of the gun being a bit askew now, grazing his temple, or his hand flinches toward his face and he fires as he does, the bullet grazing him. In both cases, firing not even an inch from his ear and the bullet whizzing right past his eyes, causing permanent hearing damage.

“Still don’t know why.”

This isn’t so much a fidget on her end but almost a reaction to him chuckling at himself. It’s not funny, of course it’s not, and she shuts it down fast, but for a moment I think she’s thinking what he is. Disbelief, that he wouldn't be here if he hadn't. That they would've never met. That the man she has grown to care for, love, protect, and follow anywhere would not be here.

She has never had a father; doesn’t really know the standard to hold them to. Joel is her and only example of one, and he couldn’t have been a better one. She’s never loved a man like a father and she doesn’t know the relationship fathers and daughters typically have and how special they can be. She learns to love him the way she knows how. The way she can considering her personality, their circumstances, and the world they live and what they’re subjected to. But she feels a connection with him early, considering her willingness and to ask him questions, trust him, believe what he tells her, and putting her life in his reluctant hands. He does not feel that same outward connection to her as early as she does (he may show some, but I think feeling the genuineness of it all and it not all just being the buried and instinctive fatherhood side of him coming out later are a bit different), considering he still tries to push her away and keep her at a distance. But when all he does is reassure her, make sure she’s safe, tries to preserve her young innocence from the atrocities of the world, ask her about Linda Ronstadt, watches over her as she sleeps, shows her what a seatbelt is, asks her if she’s okay and nearly falls to his knees to embrace her on the ground after Sam, she starts to view him more than a smuggler. More than just a protector. She genuinely cares about him now. She views him, to her best judgment, as a father. And for her to now see this man be so vulnerable and talk about his attempt and for her to look at him and think, “I would've never known and loved you,” is cause for her disbelief and gratefulness that he didn’t flinch.

“Anyway, the reason I’m telling you all this is b-”

“I know why you’re telling me all this.”

(credits to Meg she helped me and my 1am brain with this. I love you brother) He loves her, plain and simple. This whole conversation, not just his whole “it wasn’t time” thing (as profound and emotional that sentence is alone), is him telling her he loves her. She is struggling, he sees it clear as day. Spacing out, dissociating, being extra quiet, the whole thing. He knows what that’s like because he’s been in that exact situation. She’s fighting so many demons every minute and he is seeing it. He understands how the trauma from Winter is affecting her. He understands what she’s going through. Maybe not completely as the situations are different, but the reactions are similar. The thoughts, the temptations, the ideation, the guilt. It’s the same reaction to both of their debilitating traumas. And Joel recognizes the weight of how it is affecting her. Riley nor Sam nor anything else she’s been through has made her react in this way, so he knows it’s bad. That it’s getting close to his “second day”. He is going to try and do whatever he can to keep his little girl as far away from that if he can help it.

So, how does he go about it? He puts himself out there. He makes himself vulnerable. He gives himself to her. He opens up and he tells her about such a deep and emotional part of his past. He opens up to try and get her to open up. He tries to sympathize with her. He wants to take what she’s struggling with on him. He wants her to tell him everything so he can hold all of it. So Ellie can get it out and shout it and cry and how he wants take every ounce of it on himself. His own trauma and the weight that threatens to drown him is not important; she is. But she doesn’t tell him what happened during Winter. She doesn’t want to rehash it; it’s terrifying and painful and traumatizing. He doesn’t know the thoughts she’s having and how exactly he can help her, and that’s frustrating. To not be able to help her the amount his heart so desperately wants to. To let what she’s gone through crush him as long as it means she can breathe. But she also doesn’t want to tell him because she wants to spare him the weight and pain. She doesn’t want to burden him and upset him with all of it, so she keeps it quiet. He wants to carry it to relieve her, but she wants to carry it to relieve him.

He’s telling her he loves her. That he cherishes her. That she is his daughter and he wants to help her with this. He wants to help her through this. That he is willing, he WANTS to take all of it. She is not a stranger to him anymore. She is not some random kid he’s trauma dumping on. She’s his child, his daughter. He’s telling her this hoping that she will open up and lean on him. Because, as a loving father, that’s all he wants. He wants to take those burdens and pains and pile them on his shoulders as he supports her up in their walk together.

(I feel as though I have put this thought in here already but I don’t know and I would like to include it and I can’t find any of my 60 paragraphs if I already have, so forgive me). He is glad he missed. He is happy he missed. He knows what that feels like, and the fact that he found something to fight for, he wants Ellie to experience that same thing. Whether that be Joel or something/someone else, he knows, now, that there is a thing out there to keep going for. And he wants her to find that. This is an even stronger argument for his end choice, as well. As a lot of this fandom has already discussed, she probably would choose to die for it. Her being 14 years old with such tremendous survivor’s guilt and feeling helpless to save Riley, Tess, and Sam, she’d probably make it. This thought wouldn’t have been at the front of his brain while saving her, but it reinforces the idea of him wanting her to find something to fight for. If she gave herself up to the Fireflies, she would never find that thing or that person that Joel knows is out there for her, and he wants her to find it. He wants het to know that she’ll get through this and things will get better in time. He knows firsthand this, and that’s what he wants for her. To continue, for her to see and experience that Better.

Also, can we take a moment to how unbelievably gentle and good he is when she has these moments? And how he’s tried to keep her engaged. He doesn’t raise his voice once at her. He shouts her name when she’s sitting in the bed of the truck, but it was just to get her attention, not in a way that indicated him upset or frustrated with her. He hands her the rifle to hold while he puts his back on, keeping her with him and engaged. He talks to her constantly, even about the small things. Telling her about finding Beefaroni after she mentioned how, “that guy (Chef Boyardee) was good.” Actually showing her Boggle and telling her she’d beat him at it. And, of course, the guitar, which is a whole thing. Guitar and music being a hobby and something he loves so dearly in life that he wants to teach her all about it, even after not having played or read any music in twenty years. He wants to pass an important part of him and something he loves so much down to her. Once they’re in the building as well and he’s about to boost her up and she spaces out more. The first thing out of his mouth is, “you okay?” He keeps his distance a bit from her as he asks which makes me thinks that, in the past few months, he’s been close and she’s gotten claustrophobic, so he’s made a note to give her some space unless she initiates any proximity. And he mentions her being extra quiet and she apologizes to him, feeling bad. He is not putting an ounce of blame or trying to make her feel bad, instead he’s making an observation and it shows he cares that he is seeing a clear difference in this day compared to others. But she apologizes anyway because she probably thinks she’s hurt his feelings or is ignoring him or something of the sort. And he immediately shakes his head side to side as his face softens and he says, “no, it’s fine.” He is so careful and gentle with her while she’s struggling. He is nothing but gentle and loving the whole episode. Part 2 will start from here :)

[mariatesstruther]

man man man imagine like, still!outbreak AU tommy finds ellie outside jackson needing safety, his dad mode wakes 100% and he brings her inside jackson to live with him and maria cause he always imagined having a daughter with maria🥺

OKAY YES ANON YES YES. BUT ALSO YES AND

maybe an au where marlene KEPT ellie with her????? where she was raised among the fireflies???? maybe marlene told her she was the daughter of her best friend, a fellow rebel that got killed, but never that her mom was bit?????? so ellie doesn’t know she’s immune, and she’s sort of raised as marlene’s goddaughter with other children of firefly rebels

and maybe marlene tells herself that ellie’s immunity will eventually save them all, that she has to keep her safe, that she has to keep her alive and away from fucking everything long enough for them to figure out a cure. she doesn’t know or even suspect that it would take killing ellie to get their way—by the time they do figure it out, ellie’s like a daughter to her. she’s watched this kid grow up to hate tuna like anna and laugh like anna and love terrible puns, just like anna. before marlene’s eyes, ellie turns into anna’s mini-me without even knowing it; so what else is she to do but grow to love her too? that’s anna’s baby, anna and marlene’s baby. she loves her more than the world, more than the anything, more than the fireflies. more than a cure

so maybe when marlene finds out what abby’s dad has planned, she makes a different choice. she tells ellie the truth, that she’s sorry, and that she needs to go. ellie (who is blessedly not burdened by survivors guilt from riley and company) wants to live, of course she does. even if she hadn’t, marlene wouldn’t have let her die. she couldn’t

instead, she finds the most trustworthy yet capable and dangerous man she knows: tommy miller. what she hears of him is plenty, but what she knows for sure is this: he’s a great soldier, he’s a good man, and he used to have a neice named sarah. him and ellie already get along, luckily, because he teaches math to the firefly kids a few times a week. she tells him what is planned, and he’s horrified. she tells him how to stop it, so he does (kills a few people along the way, which she covers for. theyre good.)

then at this point, i actually think it’d be fun if joel and tess run into tommy and ellie somewhere random in the woods of wyoming 😭😭😭 maybe when joel and tess break into that old couple’s house from 1x06 and he asks if they’ve heard of a tommy, they actually go “you know what… some guy named tommy was here with a twelve year old not even two hours ago. little one cusses like a sailor. they went that way.”

im tagging in a-level marlene appreciator @clickergossip bc i want her to see this. anon thank u so much.

[dearinglovebot]

I believe that claire dearing can be shipped with virtually any woman in the jurassic verse if you’re brave enough.

zara young? easy work. that’s katie mcgrath. zara is the closest person she has on the island and you know what? maybe something happens. maybe claire is working late and zara convinces her to settle down. maybe claire is venting after the horrible date. maybe zara is the only person on the island who remembered her birthday.

zia rodriguez? friends to lovers excellence. they work late nights together, plotting how they can save the beautiful creatures their species brought back. they share an unwavering passion for this, and with that passion, maybe more passion grows. maybe they started as co-partners in the dpg… but that co is dropped until they’re partners in all things.

kayla watts? perhaps the easiest case I can make. she WANTS that woman and claire is malfunctioning. similar guilts over exploring dinosaurs. but together, maybe together they can find redemption… maybe they can find peace. and love

roxie jwcc? “you only call miss dearing claire when you’re really annoyed” and how would dave know this? do they have a history, perhaps? a few dates that went sour? does roxie still secretly long for the day miss dearing drops the act and starts being claire again?

mae turner? tricked scientist meets disillusioned park manager. they share the common goal: animal welfare. maybe mae is suspicious of her at first. after all, she’s been tricked once by the greedy. but she sees after a while that this isn’t claire. their shared interest is genuine. claire brings the dinosaurs to sanctuary where mae continues her studies ethically

soyona santos? this is what us in the business refer to as “toxic yuri”. will they ever got along? who knows. there’s bad history there. but maybe there is an attraction, a seductive tension between them. maybe with each fight, it becomes stronger. maybe, they stop resisting it

ellie sattler? I mean, if you met an older accomplished woman then who wouldn’t have a small crush? and if you met a younger determined yet haunted heroine… well.

lex murphy? they probably invited all the survivors of jurassic park to jurassic world at some point. lex sees it and is disgusted. she loathes everything claire stands for. but in the aftermath… all she sees is another haunted victim. maybe she reaches out… tells her she isn’t alone… and maybe she never stops reaching for her

kelly malcolm? her dad’s moral rival… she distrusts claire but maybe not as much as her father. they meet. maybe claire isn’t so bad after all… soon, they’re talking. but she doesn’t know how to tell her father. they both lived the horror of dinosaurs. yet she’s fallen for the woman who lead jurassic world

[rotisseries]

not a fan of how ellie's agency is being talked about in this situation. obligatory disclaimer that everyone involved takes away her agency and that DOES include the fireflies and I DON'T support what they did either, because I obviously am a supporter of informed consent, and also from an emotional standpoint I am on joel's side because I do not want ellie dead and I wouldn't want him to make a different decision. but I will still probably talk about joel's decision more because that's the one that had a larger emotional effect on ellie.

anyway. baseline facts we need to establish here are that BOTH parties did. not. care. about ellie's agency. the fireflies do not ask her if she'd like to die for the cure, because they don't care what the answer is, they plan on getting that cure either way. joel ALSO does not care about ellie's agency in this situation. I've seen people say that he wasn't doing that because the fireflies "started it" or whatever, and that he was simply rescuing her from the inability to make that decision. and this is not entirely true, because he argues with marlene a fair amount, and if that mattered to him he probably would've tried to insist that marlene wake ellie up and ask her, but more importantly, even if ellie had been awake and said yes, he still would've taken her out of there, because she's his daughter, and he's not gonna let anyone take his daughter again. in that moment, for joel, it is very much about him and about how he does not want to lose another daughter. so both parties took away ellie's agency in this situation. the fireflies didn't give her an option to say no, and joel would not have let her say yes, so ellie had no agency here due to BOTH. PARTY'S. ACTIONS.

moving on, I've seen a fair amount of talk about how joel is in the right because as a parent he's the only one who should be able to make that decision. I've seen things about how ellie is 14 and traumatized, and so she could not truly consent. and it's not that I disagree entirely with those points, ellie IS traumatized, and a large part of her desire to give her life for a cure comes from her survivors guilt. I also generally wouldn't want to put the fate of the world on a 14 year old's shoulders. where I'm having the problem though, is that in this situation, to me, even with those points, ellie is STILL the only one qualified to make these decisions about her life. not marlene. not joel. just ellie.

first of all, I feel like this is a situation in which no one, no matter age or trauma level, could truly consent. "die for this or doom the world" is an inherently coercive situation, so true consent just can't be reached honestly. but with that established, I don't see why ellie isn't equally as capable of consenting as anyone else. there's no saying she doesn't truly get the gravity of this situation, she gets it probably better than most, she's seen lots of death. and we also can't hold a 14 year old in the apocalypse to the standards of a 14 year old in our world. ellie should not have gone through the things she's been through, she shouldn't have the world on her shoulders, but she's in this situation regardless, what difference does another 4 years make here? and I think it's incorrect to say this makes her incapable of deciding what happens with her life. "she's traumatized and has survivors guilt" what if this was joel? joel has canonically suffered survivor's guilt, and he tried to kill himself. if he was the one who was immune, could he truly consent? or would he not be in the right mental space for it? if this were a 14 year old in our world with a medical condition of some sort that put them in a situation where they had to decide whether they wanted to live or not, I would still want that 14 year old to have the autonomy to decide. I wouldn't want that decision to be just up to their parents, it's not the parent's life!!

and most critically, who other than ellie should even be allowed to make this decision? if you think a parent should be allowed that agency over their kids life, that's fair, but joel, as much as he loves her, is not her parent. they care about each other a lot, but he is still just a man she's traveled with for a year. she's been alone her entire life, and now, when it matters most, should decisions about herself, and her life, go to someone else?

[elliespuns]

I feel like ellie wanted to die for the cure but 10% for saving human race and 90% for the wrong reasons.

Wrong reason? Survivor's guilt. Her mother died after having her, riley didn't get to have the same gift she did and faced and horrible death, neither did tess who died so she and joel could make it, sam wasn't even bitten like her but was killed for it by his own brother, and said brother killed himself after. Nothing in this world had never proved ellie that she's worth it. Joel felt her feel loved and was his little miracle but (unfortunately) didn't make her feel worth it, and I don't think no one would ever do bc she had lots of trauma luggage already. 14 years of it. It was a lot to fix. She wanted to experience this but didn't think she deserved. At least, not as much as the others.

So yeah ellie wanted to be the cure bt she was not mentally well enough to make that decision, she had no discernment. I'm not excusing Joel(as much as I'm this man's lawyer), but that's just how it is.

I get your point, but the thing is, Ellie didn't know that she was going to die for the cure back then. She thought they were just going to draw blood or something. That's why she was so determined; she didn't have anything to worry about because neither she nor Joel would think that letting her die would be the only option.

I honestly think that if Joel knew, he wouldn't have delivered her to the Fireflies in the first place. Because no matter how much he 'hated' having this kid around when they met, he would never let a kid die.

Ellie found out that she was supposed to die when she was 17, and she took it way worse because she was angry, disappointed, and hurt, and she couldn't see past it. She couldn't put herself in Joel's shoes and think about what she would've done if the tables had turned and she would have to decide this for Joel, Riley, Tess, or Sam.

All she could feel at the moment was the fact that Joel lied to her and that she didn't get to "do" what she wanted so much. When she found out after all those years that she was going to die for the cure, of course she wouldn't really put much thought into it because now, after it's all been done, she wouldn't have to anymore.

But back then, when she was just 14, when she was a kid who just wanted to help others, who just thought that drawing blood would have done it, she wouldn't be so decisive about it. It wouldn't be easy for her. Just imagine it. Imagine Marlene or the doctor coming to her and saying "To make a vaccine, you're going to have to die" or "To make a vaccine, we have to put you to sleep, but you'll never wake up". This would definitely mess with this little girl's head. She was so young and naive. She lived with survivor's guilt, and she wanted nothing but to deserve the life she was given.

But I don't really think that she would want to die as a kid. She might have felt this way when she was older and mad at Joel, but she was an adult and mature about her decisions. I can't imagine that the 14 year old Ellie as we know her—the Ellie who tells stupid jokes, reads kid's comics, and wants to be an astronaut who loves dinosaurs—would want to die if she was told she was going to die.

It's easy to accept dying when you don't know WHEN you're going to die. But once you're told WHEN you're dying, it's not so easy anymore. So idk, I don't really think she wanted to die as a kid.

[tlouramblings]

TLOU Part 2 Opening scene Part 2

A rant/break down about this flashback scene from the the second game.

Part 1

This is the first look we get at Joel and Ellies living situation in Jackson. It shows us that Ellie is living in a garage that's in Joels backyard.

They managed to find a way to keep Joel and Ellie close but also so far apart. Joel can always keep an eye on her from his house, but she can also keep her distance from him.

There is a time skip between Joel and Tommy's conversation to now. Since then Ellie and Joel have settled into Jackson and become more civilized.

I wish we knew more about the process of Ellie moving into the garage. When did she make the decision to move? Did she immediately call dibs on the garage when they got to Jackson? What was Joels reaction?

The first look we get of Ellie in this game is her by herself drawing and jamming out to music. We also get to see how she has decorated the garage and made it her own. This is the first time Ellie’s really had her own space to live in freely. Back at FEDRA she had to share a room and she probably didn’t own that much.

Ellie is covering up her bite with a bandage so she doesn’t have to wear long sleeves around everyone. I wonder if the chemical burn had already happened at this point? There would only be so long Elie could wear the bandage before people would start to question it.

She is also drawing a deer, which in the last game represented her trauma with the winter/David.

When Ellie finally realizes Joel is in the room she immediately closes her drawing book and stands up. She awkwardly leans against her desk and avoids eye contact for a few seconds.

Her body language is tense and uncomfortable. She doesn't want to see him or talk to him right now.

I love how Joel is being a typical dad here. He goes into her room and awkwardly walks around and touches as much stuff as possible.

Based on this sentence it seems like Joel and Ellie hadn’t spoken in a while, at least a couple days. He's had to subtly check in on her through other people in Jackson. Which foreshadows what he probably had to do when they were estranged for 2 years.

She's obviously pushing him away. She moved into her own place so she was not forced to see him or rely on him anymore.

She’s angry and upset because she knows he’s lying. But she’s also depressed and has an immense amount of survivors guilt.

This is so cute, yet sad. This perfectly mirrors how she tried to bond with him through jokes in the first game. But Ellie immediately shuts him down and is trying to get him to leave. She uses the excuse that she has to be up in a few hours, but if he hadn't of came in there she probably would of stayed up drawing for a while longer.

They've completely switched roles, she's now the closed off one and he's the one trying to bond.

This also furthers the theory that they hadn't talked in a few days or he would of told her the joke sooner. They went from spending every day together for a year to going days apart without speaking.

[dissonantdreamer]

when is it implied that joel tried to kill himself?

i've played both games probably 100 times over, don't know how ive missed that lmao

This is very late because my Tumblr got shadow banned for a bit for no reason? Anyway here's some thoughts about Joel.

During the hotel scene in Pittsburgh you have several chances of optional dialogue with Ellie for the "I want to talk about it" achievement. One of theme takes place in front of dead bodies in a bathtub.

Ellie says, "I guess they took the easy way out, huh."

Joel responds with a far away, "It ain't easy."

Its implied in a lot of ways that Joel struggled to survive. An aspect of Joel that seems to be glossed over frequently is his survivors guilt. Much like Ellie, he survived, continues to survive, in a world that he had thrust upon him through a violent loss of a loved one. In the Part 1 remake, we can actually see he suffered from anxiety. which is a detail I'm glad they added. He behaves like someone with untreated anxiety and guilt. Not wanting to talk about loss, forcing himself to ignore the past and avoiding getting attached to the present because he can't care about people who won't be in his future. Not wanting to discuss losing Sarah, Tess, Sam, and Henry is a very poor coping mechanism and is in line with depicting someone struggling with their mental health going untreated.

I'm sure Joel learned some proper techniques after his wife left. After all he has to keep a roof over his and Sarah's head, so he fights. He fights to make it to soccer when he can, fights to be there for Sarah, despite his hectic work schedule. It's not perfect, he struggles but his kid loves him all the same. Just as he's getting a handle on things the world goes to shit and he loses the one thing he fought for. The person he woke up for and dragged himself through the day for. The person who relied on him to keep her safe the most died in his arms. After he fought tooth and nail to keep her safe. He failed and if your world has already ended, why not end it all?

Unable to cope with loss drives him to be a hunter, to kill, to be ruthless, allowing himself to let go of himself. Becoming a smuggler in Boston, having Tess around was a balance he found as he grew older. He allowed himself to soften up for her and she dies in the end too.

Caring gets you hurt.

Many aspects of Joel's character is chalked up to big tough guy who grew to care. That character assessment is off, Joel is a man, who cared, who cares. He cared to the point he had to shut that part of himself down to keep himself alive. Joel is a man who always cared, and he thought that made surviving difficult. In the end he learned how to care for himself again. He relearned how to fight, how to live. The sad part is once again, just as he started to get a handle on things, his world went to shit and his past caught up with him.

[storyofmychoices]

Here are some of my personal favorite fics that I've written organized alphabetically by pairing. [This does NOT include Thomas Hunt fics]

See a full list of my masterlist here.

💖 Bryce Lahela x Olivia Hadley (F!OC) [Open Heart]

Can I Have This Dance (OH1—forever) Some dances last a few minutes, others a lifetime, but every so often, there’s one that lasts forever. This kind of encapsulates their entire romance from intern year til the end. It’s fluffy and bittersweet and a little heartbreaking.

Dance with Me (OH1): Bryce and Olivia dance in the rain. 

Sea Lions, Tiger Sharks, and Penguins, oh, my! The gang takes a trip to the Boston Aquarium (and cause a bit of trouble).  

Stay (OH2, Ch5): Olivia helps Bryce make dinner for Keiki after her surprise arrival, but the surgical intern isn’t ready for Olivia to leave just yet. (the first Bryce fic I ever wrote)

Unicorn Wishes & Mermaid Kisses: Bryce, Olivia, and Keiki go for ice cream when an argument erupts between them.

Will You?: It might be his birthday, but there is only one gift Bryce really wants

No Patient Too Small: Olivia runs into an unusual patient request, but knows just the surgeon to help.

Hekili (thunder): Young Keiki is scared of thunder. Thankfully, big brother Bryce is there to help. (part of my Very Lahela Prequel series)

💜 Ethan Ramsey x Ellie Shepherd (F!MC) [Open Heart]

Full Coverage (OH2, Ch8): Ellie has a different idea when Ethan tells her to “get massaging” [the chicken].

Love & Scotch: a Hollywood U / Open Heart crossover series

Ellie's journey with the attack and her PTSD is my favorite Ethan/Ellie moments. The below fics all feature angst, PTSD, survivors guilt, and/or trauma.

Never Let Go (OH2, Ch11): When Ellie is in the hospital, dying from the bioattack, Ethan decides to spend the night by her side/

In Between (OH2, post Ch11+12) Ellie has recovered physically from the attempted assassination of the Senator, but mentally she is still struggling.

One Day at a Time (OH2, post Ch11+12): After learning about the depth to which Ellie is struggling with survivor’s guilt, Ethan tries to find small ways to help Ellie begin to readjust to life following her near death experience. 

Impromptu Vacation (OH2, post Ch11+12): Ellie and Ethan take a trip to a secluded beach as a way to help Ellie continue to process her emotions away from the triggers of Boston and the hospital. 

No Longer Adrift: Ellie and Ethan return to work after some time away.

💖  Levi Schuler x Laura Day [Mother of the Year]

Let it Be: Laura is anxious about losing Lily to guy. Levi comforts her with a song.

S’more Trouble: Lily and Luz get into a sticky situation at their soccer team’s campfire.

 Check Yes or No: Lily has a very important question to ask Levi.

... and all the Dom!Levi fics because... 🙈

💜 Mal Volari x Daenarya [Blades of Light & Shadow]

The entire orphanage series but most specifically The Start of Something New. Where Mal and Daenarya first open the orphanage and meet the their first two rescues who they eventually adopt.

Passing Shower: Sometimes when there’s an unexpected rain shower, you just have to let go and live in the moment.

A Kiss: Mal and Daenarya take a short trip to a secluded island and discuss Daenarya's kissing a mermaid. 

More than a Kit: Mal and Daenarya continue to discuss their developing relationship. Daenarya has a test for Mal to see how much he cares.

Double Date: Mal, Daenarya, Tyril, and Maiele enjoy a night at the tavern. (written as a gift to the lovely @lilyoffandoms)

 In the Market : Daenarya leaves Mal with Tyril while she and Maiele go shopping. This is part of my “a Hand to Hold” series.

One More : Mal loves telling stories of their adventures, and the kids love listening to them. Will he tell them one more? What story will he tell? (the first Orphanage story I wrote—a glimpse into the future)

💖 Troy Hassan x Astraea Callen [Wake the Dead]

The Path Forward: Troy wants to help Astraea deal with Brynn’s death.

 Carry Me?: Troy and Astraea head back to the colony after exploring a nearby lake.

💜 Trystan Thorne x Lilah Rose [Crimes of Passion]

Close Talking: Lilah is at the office, typing up her report on the Iverson Ball, when Trystan stops by to check on her.

Dealing with a Narcissist: Lilah is attempting to read a new case file but Trystan is being distracting.

💖 Shadows and Deceptions: A Royal Murder Mystery (Mini Series) [TRR, COP, BOLAS, & D&D]

In the heart of Cordonia’s grand ballroom, an eclectic cast of characters gathers, their lives interwoven as a result of a shocking turn of events. Trystan Thorne, the exiled prince with a taste for mystery, Olivia Nevrakis, the snarky Duchess skilled with daggers, Tyril Starfury, the noble elf Lord a defender of the realm, Amalas, the enigmatic spy queen, and Prince Hamid, the charming and formal imperial prince. Amidst the grand party of the birth of King Liam’s third heir, Princess Ariana, the joyous celebration is broken by a piercing scream, a dead body, and a room full of royal suspects.

[ragnarssons]

Hi! Is it okay if I sent a small rant here?

Most are saying that Joel damned the world by saving Ellie. The world was already damned and killing a innocent little girl wouldn't have made it better. The doctors were incompetent. They were going to kill the only known immune person. They didn't even do any tests. This is enough to prove that even if he left Ellie, there was never going to be a cure because the doctors were idiots.

Did you know that Joel is living his best life at Jackson? Ellie and Dina are married and are rasing JJ together. They also gave Joel a "world's best grandpa" Mug. Joel started teaching guitar lessons it has been a few days let's see how that goes.

It's okay, it's okay, you can come and rant and vent here! People saying Joel damned the world are TLOU2 fanatics who believe the worship-style narrative Abby forced upon the players/audience, because that damn woman can't see no fault in her father. Not even her father murdering a 14yo without her consent. It's funny how we say "well saving the world shouldn't be on Ellie's shoulders"... well technically, "damning" the world shouldn't be on Joel's either. First of all, literally, the world has been ended and doomed for 20 years, while Joel was a poor-ass single dad/contractor not eating his flour. He didn't doom the world, as you say so yourself, at the moment of the game, the world is already doomed, has been for a while, and has revealed a lot of uncomfortable truths about human kind. And yknow, if we gotta delve into questions like this, we still can raise with: How are the doctors any good if they're so willing to kill a child without her explicit consent? And if they get her consent, is it "good consent" if Ellie accepts out of trauma and survivor's guilt? Can they still do it? Where is their duty of care? And then let's say they go with the procedure, everything apple-pie they get their cure. Then what? They use it to beat FEDRA? And how many people would die in the process? What would even be the point of beating FEDRA when it's about "sAvInG HumAnItY"? Or they just distribute it freely like that, happy happy everyone is happy? P l e a s e. The way the world is portrayed in the game and the show, you can't believe that's how it's gonna happen. It's stated multiple times on the show, how FEDRA and The Fireflies are these huge, determined, strong entities going at each other's throat, so much so that oftentimes, human casualties ensue, and it doesn't stop them. Like can we take a minute and weight in on how many people The Fireflies might have killed in approx. 20 years? (I'm sorry anon, literally battling TUMBLR to post this maybe it's too long so I gotta cut this-)