#eldritchbean vents

[eldritchbean-shapeshifter]

Ugggggghhh dysphoria is the worst

I was supposed to shower last night but the thought of having to perceive my body felt so INCREDIBLY NAUSEATING.

So I ended up procrastinating and was up past 3 am

I ended up grabbing a thing of baby wipes and used them to clean myself off and it was better but it still felt viscerally uncomfortable and disgusting

I'm glad I have A body (even if it doesnt always fit right), but sometimes I'd rather swim in a pit of Lava than pay attention to it

[eldritchbean-shapeshifter]

So some of my family & I are in Greece with a tour group, and it has been SO AMAZING.

And yet, I can't even escape my dysphoria here. I was kinda hoping that all the cool fun stuff would distract me, but instead it sometimes makes me feel all to aware.

Yesterday we were climbing up the hill at the Acropolis, and I found myself desperately wishing that my wings were solid and that I could just fly up.

Not to mention it was extremely crowded and people kept walking through my wings, and while it normally doesn't bother me when that happens, this time it was extremely uncomfortable. I had to pull them inside in the crowded areas.

And tonight while I was showering it punched me in the gut super hard. I ended up taking forever and my brother had to come knock on the bathroom door to ask me to hurry so he could use the bathroom.

I feel really bad that my family keeps getting involved with my issues. It's not my fault, but I still feel really guilty for some reason.

IDK. Maybe things will get better. I'll let y'all updated. I'm hoping to post some pictures :3

[eldritchbean-shapeshifter]

Had a bit of a rough day today

My dysphoria followed me into my dreams. I really hate it when that happens because dreams are supposed to be my safe space where I can do and be things I can't experience in real life.

I slept all day because my depression and burnout have been really bad lately (and have been keeping me up super late at night), and I didn't want to be awake when that meant having to deal with my body feeling wrong.

It's hard to want to get up when you aren't supposed to have legs that day.

Luckily my family is super cool. I recently came out to those of them that didn't previously know, and while most of them just Don't Get It, they've been super nice and cool about it. So I don't have to hide anymore at home. That really helped.