#elba always giving us the best videos

[masterandapprentice]

Pato and his love for food ❤️

lol he's not supposed to eat that before the GP, Alwin don't get mad at him! XD

(original video has a Luis Miguel song, maybe that's why Tumblr blocked the sound, in case You we're wondering)

[takerfoxx]

Speaking of things that are remarkable, things that shouldn't work but absolutely do:

The Sonic movies.

These ought to be a disaster. I mean, video game movies basically suck in general, with Detective Pikachu being nothing short of a miracle just through being pretty good, and that also had the good sense to set in the Pokemon world.

Here, they've done the predictable thing: take the well-loved cartoon/video game character, and instead of having them do stuff in their really cool and interesting world, they send them to our world. So, basically like the Smurfs. And they go on a road trip with a brand new human character played by a famous actor. And there's pop culture references, slapstick humor, and even the expected dance off scene. It's straight out the playbook for live action kid movies based upon established properties, one written by committee rather than actual fans of the franchise.

And then they dropped the original design for Sonic, and we were like, okay, call it in. It's a disaster. Like, what the hell was even that thing?

But then...they listened? And fixed the design into something really good? And then the movie came out, and sure, all those tropes we expected were there, but also they just seemed to work with Sonic. I mean, Sonic is pure nineties, so the goofy jokes and pop culture references have always been part of his schtick. But also, the writers just seemed to get Sonic as well. Like, they were given a list by the studio of things they had to include to make it more appealing to a wider audience, and they were like, okay, but we're still going to write the best Sonic we possibly can.

And then you get Jim Carrey as Robotnik, and again, Jim Carrey being Jim Carrey just works here, because Robotnik has been kind of a real goofball of a villain for years, so it just worked! It was like a weird marriage of goofy Robotnik, threatening Robotnik, and narcissistic Robotnik, all filtered through Jim Carrey's unique energy.

As such, Sonic fans came in already having accepted the silly kid movie tropes and weren't that bothered by them, but were also treated to a refreshingly good Sonic vs. Robotnik movie, where all the corny stuff just worked when it shouldn't have. It was a good time!

And then the second movie was announced, and the writers, who again just get Sonic, were like, okay, we made the studio a ton of money, so we have more freedom to eject more Sonic stuff in here. So give us the list of kid movie tropes we need to include, and let us handle the rest.

And they do it. They give us like the best possible version of these characters. Casting Idris Elba as Knuckles was just inspired, and they found the perfect way to combine the funny Knuckles we've seen lately and the more gruff warrior of the past to give us possibly the best Knuckles we've ever seen. We get a fantastic Tails, with his actual voice actress no less! And when fans complained about her name missing from the poster, they went and added her! We got an even more accurate and threatening Robotnik that was still Jim Carrey being unleashed, we got the Death Egg Robot, we got the Tornado, we got the Chaos Emeralds, we got Super Sonic, we got freaking Labyrinth Zone (and hey, was them using the owls in the first movie specifically to set that up? You know, considering that it actually has owl statues in the original game?), and we even got that promise of Shadow. And hey, I'm no Shadow fan, but I understand that he's one of the most beloved characters in the franchise, so I can't be mad, and I trust the writers to make a version I can get into.

It's like these movies have two completely different demographics in little kids and grown up Sonic fans and somehow found a way to please both. There's all of the gags and jokes for the kids, and since the grown up Sonic fans have already accepted that they're going to be there, we can also enjoy some really great interpretations of our favorite characters on the big screen. Like, you wanna have a dance off and silly slapstick? That's fine! I get Idris Elba having the time of his lifer playing Knuckles, I'm happy!

[dinosaurtsukki]

haikyuu!! characters and their fave musicals

pretty much an hc’s for funsies type of thing. which characters are absolute nerds for musicals and which ones couldn’t care less? i know not everyone likes musicals but if this is your thing, feel free to read! 

Hinata: he’s one of those people who watched Shrek the Musical unironically and ended up getting really hooked on it but no way is he going to tell anyone

Kageyama: thinks that the Shrek trilogy are counted as movie musicals because ‘the characters sing and everything’. will fall asleep in a theatre so don’t bring him you’ll be disappointed

Tsukishima: loves Avenue Q and The Producers because the humor is right up his alley. also has tASTE and his fave is probs something like Hadestown because it is the best musical. loves to break down the lyrics and listens to an album non-stop when he’s obsessed

Yamaguchi: he tried to watch Grease but ended up throwing popcorn at the tv-screen because of the blatant sexism. yams is not About That. gets his recommendations from Tsukki and has never looked back

Tanaka: likes anything with awesome choreography and really cool special-effects like Hamilton or Be More Chill. when you ask him about the story though he’s like ???

Noya: doesn’t get the concept of musicals. ‘she’s singing about the guy but he’s right there??? doesn’t he hear everything????’ ‘WHY ARE THEY SINGING JUST FIGHT ALREADY’

Ennoshita: also has Taste. watches pretty much anything and loves to keep track of new productions and new casting. if you ask him about his favorite musical he’ll probably specifically mention the cast and where it was performed

Asahi: y’all are gonna hate me y’all are gonna hate me but JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR haha jk. one hundred percent a Dear Evan Hansen kinda guy because he relates to the main guy’s personality. has waving through a window on repeat

Sugawara: LOVES the classics: Les Miserables, Phantom of the Opera, Miss Saigon. knows every song and movement by heart. sings them everywhere. would not listen to anything else. also Moulin Rouge because he’s one Classy Bitch

Daichi: appreciates any good musical recommended to him but the kind of person who presses ‘shuffle’ when listening to the recording and all the fans around him die inside. does this more than once just for that reaction

Kiyoko: loves anything with awesome female roles, particularly Legally Blonde and Six the Musical. raises an eyebrow at you if you say you like Grease and you land on her list of people she would barely talk to

 Yachi: practically raised on disney movie musicals. loves to watch and re-watch videos from Broadway Princess Party a lot. is basically a disney princess herself and loves to put some songs on when she cleans the house. 

Kuroo: one of those people who got really into Hamilton back in the day. would sing the vocals, the back-up vocals, the chorus parts, and hum the intros. says he’s a musical fan but that’s the only one he’s watched/listened to.

Kenma: someone recommended Be More Chill to him (probably tsukki) and he ended up actually liking it. once in a while you’ll hear him humming ‘christiiiiIIiine’ under his breath. likes to listen to michael in the bathroom at 2 am

Yaku:  hates musicals ever since Nekoma had a movie night and then decided to watch Lion King and lev dead-ass lifted him up over his head like what rafiki did to simba in That Scene. 

Lev: another one who likes disney musicals but like, the basic ones (frozen, tangled, beauty and the beast). mostly because they’re his sister’s favorites tho. has more than once did the whole ‘do you want to build a snowman’ thing with alisa and probably his teammates

Oikawa: thinks that liking Heathers makes him edgy it doesn’t. practically paid hanamaki and matsukawa to sing Candy Store with him and using iwa as veronica. absolutely vibes to the Mean Girls musical

Iwaizumi: a hard High School Musical stan, now and forever. thinks that Ryan and Chad are definitely gay. one time oikawa was giving them a pep talk and said ‘what team?’ and iwa yelled ‘WILDCATS’ and then everybody looked at him because they KNEW they KNEW HE NEVER GOT OVER THAT PHASE-- 

Matsukawa: Cats. The Movie.* wrote a long-ass thread on twitter about why the female cats should be given six boob and tagged Tom Hooper. was blocked.

Hanamaki: *see above. probably had his sexual awakening when he saw Idris Elba as a sexy cat. there’s nothing gendered about a sexy cat

Kyoutani: likes the leather jacket aesthetic in Grease. looked up the lyrics to ‘Greased Lightning’ once and shut off his laptop when he saw the innuendos. may have tried to replicate the choreography at one point but fell off a table

Yahaba: a romantic at heart. has a copy of the West Side Story DvD and loves to sing ‘Maria’ and ‘One Hand, One Heart.’ he and Oikawa love to duet ‘I Feel Pretty.’ also tried to copy the choreography and sUCCEEDED

Ushijima: you’ve taken him to see an array of musicals, from the much-loved classics to the inventive modern musicals. every time, you glance at him hoping for any reaction. he always leaves the theater saying ‘it was good.’ only one musical has managed to make him crack a smile: The Muppets (the movie ver.)

Tendou: another boy with Quality Taste. is a hardcore stan of any musical by Team Starkid (also loves that they’re all on Youtube). makes so many references to them but nobody else understands. will yell ‘TIGERFUCKER TIGERFUCKER’ out of the blue

Shirabu: thinks that La La Land is Peak Taste. got angry when tendou showed him a video of ryan gosling scenes in the movie but it’s all replaced by barry, the bee from Bee Movie. now La La Land is ruined because he keeps on remembering ‘you like jazz?’ in barry’s voice 

Semi: tells you that he just doesn’t watch musicals but he secretly had such a Les Miz phase. writes enjolras x reader fanfics and his longest one was 200k words. if he hears anything that vaguely sounds like ‘do you hear the people sing’, a tear will fall out of the corner of his eye

Goshiki: was looking for slime tutorials one and stumbled on ‘not hamilton just a 2 hr slime tutorial’ y’all kno what i’m talking about and watched the whole thing. was disappointed that there weren’t any slimes but is now into hamilton

Akaashi: knows and understands the peak performance quality and biblical philosophy of Jesus Christ Superstar. doesn’t tell anyone about it though because they all assume its all church music. ‘it’s not’, he sobs. ‘it’s more.’

Bokuto: akaashi recommended Jesus Christ Superstar to him and he watched it, thinking that he’d see jesus playing an electric guitar. he was very disappointed and sulked about it for a week. LOVES disney musicals though

Atsumu: was one of those kids who would look up the Harry Potter Puppet Pals videos on youtube and stumbled in to A Very Potter Musical. ever since jk rowling’s snake side came out he began accepting that fan musical as canon. likes to piss rowling off by posting screenshots of the musical and saying its from the movie

Osamu: the Disney fan but with Quality Taste. loves Hunchback of Notre Dame, Princess and the Frog, Prince of Egypt, and Anastasia (the last two aren’t disney but animated musicals). cries at the sound of Phil Collins’ sultry voice. 

Kita: is in love with Phantom of the Opera because his grandmother loves listening to it. he’d sing THE ENTIRE SOUNDTRACK pretty much every day until his teammates catch him singing in the locker rooms while they were changing AND NAILING ALL OF CHRISTINE’S HIGH NOTES LIKE ITS NOTHING

Terushima: doesn’t like musicals so his friend recommended that he watch The Guy Who Didn’t Like Musicals by Team Starkid because of the crackhead humor. watched Robert Manion perform and ending up going on google and searching ‘does watching men move their hips real nice make me bi?’

Koganegawa:  y’all are gonna be surprised but this one’s a hardcore Wicked fan. has watched all of the different castings of it. he loves to imitate Elphaba’s iconic ‘FIEEEEROOOOOOO’ line in the showers and records it, just to see if he’s close to how it sounds onstage. has Idina Menzel’s autograph

Futakuchi: bitch does nothing but roast everyone else’s musical tastes. hamilton? ‘wow, mainstream much?’ dear evan hansen? ‘psshh, basic.’ be more chill? ‘think you’re edgy or something?’ the greatest show? ‘what are you? five?’ his favorite musical is actually Cats

[adventseven]

Sonic The Hedgehog 2 Official Trailer Review

The high energy trailer for Sonic The Hedgehog 2 shows off that it wants to keep doing what made the first Sonic work while also throwing in fun, new elements.

Sonic the Hedgehog 2 stars the returning Jim Carrey as a fully mustached Dr. Eggman Robotnik and James Mardsen as Sheriff Tom Wachoski. It also features the returning voice of Ben Schwartz as Sonic, Colleen O’Shaughnessey back again as Tails (a role she's had since 2014), and newcomer Idris Elba as Knuckles. In the film, Sonic must stop Dr. Robotnik before he and Knuckles take over the world with the Master Emerald.

After watching this trailer, I’m very glad the human race as a collective said they’d refuse to watch the first film if Sonic wasn’t redesigned. Imagine how repugnant and horrifying Knuckles and Tails would look if Paramount had stuck with the original design for Sonic? I mean there’s bad, and then there’s the original design for Sonic. The long-legged nightmare with a face like if a hedgehog had been smacked with a frying pan and then deep-fried. Thankfully they both look great and their designs should please fans of both the first movie and the games.

It’s the little details that make this trailer fun and memorable. Things like Sonic eating a chili dog on a roof before going and doing superhero stuff (we all saw what you did there Paramount), Jim Carrey going full Eggman, Tails flying in an airplane, Idris Elba being the best voice for Knuckles, stuff like that. Also can we take a moment to think about how Idris Elba has been hopping around comic book/sci fi/video game franchises non-stop since 2011? Man’s dedicated, and I appreciate it.

Overall I think this trailer did a good job of giving fans a taste of what's to come in this new Sonic sequel. It looks like it will be fun, Sonic is gonna run fast, and Eggman will get his ass handed to him like what always happens. Looks like more Sonic lore is going to be in this one too. Maybe we’ll even see Sonic go Super Saiyan when he touches the emerald. I’ll also settle for Knuckles asking Eggman at least once if he “knows the way.”

Sonic The Hedgehog 2 is set to premiere on April 8th, 2022.

By Julian Hayden

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[littlemessyjessi]

And another thing! Where is the representation of my melanin queens on every day things?! I’m just really upset about alot of fanfiction right now.  Like, I don’t get it.  I’m using every fucking piece of information that I have gathered from my godmother, an indescribably beautiful melanin goddess, over the years and I’m using it in fucking fanfiction because it’s fucking important.  For example:

My godmother, Dana, is a STUNNING black woman.  She was there for me when my birth mother would straight up drop me on her doorstep and I would see her for months. 

Dana, the queen that she is, is a beacon of light and information. 

I had an interesting childhood.  

I’m a mixture of a lot ethnicities to be honest and I spent my childhood back and forth between two countries if you want to know the truth about it.   But when I was in the USA, I was supposed to spend time with her which lasted for all of about two weeks full of abuse.  Looking back, honestly being with Dana is probably what saved me. 

Anyway, personally I’m a red head but my curl pattern is somewhere between 4B and 4C.  Naturally, it has a tendency to be frizzy and is heavy on the dry side.  I have my mother’s hair. 

Dana knew this, as she grew up with my mother and actually has a very similiar hair texture. It’s just that her’s is dark. So she knew exactly how to handle me when my mother jumped ship. 

And my dad didn’t know how to do that.  He’s Serbian and white. Not to mention the fact that he worked all the time over the road trying to provide for his four children. He wasn’t around much but it wasn’t because he didn’t want to be.  It’s just that someone had to provide for us and that was him.  Side note:  All of have different mothers and they’re all crazy.   I think he has a type.  He didn’t turn them crazy.  No, no. They were like that when he met them.  I just think he’s a glutton for punishment. 

Anyway, the hair. That was a foreign language to him.  I mean, he tried but he was hopeless until Dana legit showed him. 

This fucking angel introduce me to the bonnet when I was four. Four.  To this day, I refused to go to bed without a bonnet.  

She also introduced me to protective hair styles and the concept of a damn headwrap.  Which is fucking life changing mind you.  My cuban fiance, Valentina, bonded over this when we first started talking because she video calls me one morning to talk to me while we were getting ready for our respective days. 

Of course, I answer.  Still in my pjs, bonnet on my head and slathering myself in shea butter.  Again, thank you Dana for your life changing knowledge of shea butter and cocoa butter.  I attribute my good skin to you, love. I’m in my late twenties now and honestly I don’t really look any different as to what I did when I was eighteen.  Perhaps, it’s genes.  But I think it was Dana and her knowledge. 

Anyway, we’re sitting there talking and all of a sudden Val just has the biggest smile on her face and I’m like, what?

And she was just like, “I love that you have your bonnet on.” 

And I was like, “Uh, ok? Should I not?” 

And we got into a whole discussion about it and how it’s viewed.   

Listen, if I am deep conditioning my hair I will walk straight out this house with a bonnet on and not give a single fuck.  You think I’m playing but I am not.  And that’s my point.   I don’t know why things like this are looked at differently and I’m sick of it.   

What’s even more disgusting is that I would get less looks for it than a black woman.  Why?  Because regardless of the fact that I actually came out of an extremely deeply darkly skinned woman, I pass as white. 

That god damn statement enrages me to my core.  The fact that I, someone who passes as white, can do basic things like wear a bonnet or a headwrap and while I may recieve some strange looks here and there..... it’s really nothing. 

Whereas a woman of dark complexion has a totally different experience.  And that enrages me.   I used to lose my temper over it when I was about 10 or so and Dana would take me to the movies on Sundays.  That was always deep conditioning day and so we went in our bonnets.  And these mother fucking girls would snicker and point and act like fools.  I, all 4′11′’ of me, nearly got into a fight with them b/c I have a short fuse on a big bomb.  But Dana just pulled me back and told me not to worry about it.  But I was upset.  Dana is literally one of the most beautiful people I have ever met, inside and out.  And I couldn’t understand how someone could be so nasty.   We had a talk that day about skin and why it was different.   I mean, I knew Dana and I have different colors to us but I never thought much about it to be honest.  

She was very honest with me in her experiences and she told me that we were different and even though that shouldn’t make a difference at all, for some people it did. 

Cue tiny preteen Kenny going on a fifteen minute rant until she gave me pineapple and tajin and told me to chill out, lol. 

Also, if you’re not putting tajin on your pineapple, what are you doing?  You’re missing out and I highly reccommend you see to it immediately. 

She told me the best thing to do was to ignore them and to just live my life.  And I see her point but I also don’t.  Because if you always look the other way then nothing changes b/c it just keeps getting swept under the rug.   

Dana is a lot nicer than me.  And perhaps, she’s smarter b/c she’s older and she just knows more than me.  But I will not stand for this! 

I realize how ridiculous that may sound but I don’t care.  I will call someone out on it in a heartbeat. 

I just get heated about things I feel strongly about. 

So all this to say that I was listening to this video where a girl was talking about how upset she was about the lack of representation in fanfiction and I was just consumed with anger b/c she’s right! 

And I was just so pissed. Poor Val listened to me rant forever before she just called Dana and was like, ‘Please calm down your child.” 

Because yes, as far as I’m concerned, Dana is my mother.  Not my birth mother. 

And, lol, Dana told her, “Just give that little hot cheeto some pineapple and tajin. Or make her some kool aid.  She’s just gotta rant for a minute and get it out of her system.” 

And Val said, “I tried to give her kool aid.  She spazzed out and drank half a pitcher.  Now she’s on a sugar high and she’s worse.” 

I’m assuming Dana told her to just hand over the phone and she promptly told me to calm down before she came over to deliver an ass whoopin.  

And then she asked me what was wrong and so I told her. 

And so she said, “Just write the fanfiction how you want it.   That’s what you’ve always done. So if you want to see mentions of bonnets in stories, start putting them in.   Make it a point to create scenes that specifically give you an opportunity to showcase some of that stuff.  Talk about the struggles of finding a foundation that actually matches your skin tone.  Talk about wash days and co washes.  And for the love of the all mighty, please mention to someone to put some damn lotion on their elbows and knees.  I’m tired of seeing these ashy ass people.” 

And we talked for quite some time about it and she made me feel better.  Like she always does.  I didn’t come out of her but Dana has always been my mother.  And always been there for me.  Always given me the best advice.   Always knew just what to say when my emotions wreck me. 

So I know a lot of you like my reader content and I’ll continue to do that. I promise.  I mostly just do plus size reader. But maybe we’ll include some specific POC plus size reader.  I mean, that’s not new for me.  I’ve done that before but you get my point.  The only way to get passed some of these irritations and unfairness is to normalize it to the point of common knowledge. 

And you might be seeing more and more POC OC’s from me.  This isn’t new either as I’ve got plenty of them.  But you might see an influx lol.  Because I’m upset about it and b/c it’s deserved.  You know what I mean?  

Also, for the love of god, please please please if you are writing reader insert when you are talking about someone blushing... jesus christ, Dana could be embarassed and you’d never know b/c she is literally as dark as a dark chocolate bar.   Blush doesn’t show on her skin tone and I can imagine it doesn’t show on a lot of deeper skin tones.  It doesn’t on Valentina and she’s cuban caramel candy.  

There are other ways.  Like heat creeping up the neck or whatever.  You know what I mean.  

Also, the ‘he ran his fingers through my hair’ bit?  Ugh.  First of all, with my hair.... I’d like to see them try.  Second, don’t. touch. my. hair.  

Just saying.  There are other ways.

Anyway, thanks for listening. 

And Dana, if you’re reading, cause I know you come read my stories sometimes- thank you for listening and giving me good advice.  As you always have.  I love you and I’m just really thankful you’ve always been there for me and taught me so much.  I love you, Mama D.

Love, 

Kenny

Also, ya’ll pray for me.  I have a whole pitcher of kool aid, that I made so it has way too much sugar in it.  And if I can’t calm myself down, Valentina may murder me.  And ya girl is trying to get some tonight, lol. 

P.S. If she does away with me and you never find my body, someone just tell Idris Elba, Queen Latifah, Sebastian Stan and Aaron Taylor Johnson that I love them and that I died well.  

Probably not though.  

Valentina is mean.  She’d make me die a slow and horrible death. 

Like depravation of cuddles and chocolate. 

The horror. 

Shit, I like her feisty though. 

Anyway, I’m rambling. 

I love y’all and that’s really all I had to say about the issue lol. 

[ethanlivemere]

Nobody asked, but here’s my opinion on the CATS-trailer

So it’s been about three months since the CATS-trailer came out and somehow I thought NOW would be a good time to express my opinion on it. It’s quite controversial, but have you ever wanted to hear what a long-time hardcore CATS-fan who has been wanting a CATS-movie for years thinks about it? Probably not, but I went and made this very long post anyway.

1)      Cast

Can’t spell ‘cats’ without ‘cast’ and there’s some big names in the list of actors they’ve released. Some are excellent choices, some are more… questionable.

Ian McKellen as Gus: Now this is something that makes me profoundly happy. Sir McKellen honestly seems perfect for the role, I mean, he practically IS Gus the Theatre Cat (maybe a little younger, and less feline). Great choice, looking forward to it. Judi Dench as Old Deuteronomy: Now here’s one of the more questionable ones. I love dame Dench, that isn’t the problem; it’s just that Old D is supposed to be a large, old, deep-voiced male cat, and dame Dench only fits one of those characteristics. Of course, they could very well change Old Deuteronomy to be the matriarch of the tribe rather than the patriarch, and that would probably be fine. I’m more worried about whether Old D’s singing parts (like The Ad-dressing of Cats) would work as well with a higher, female voice. And of course, they would have to do tweaks to the song Old Deuteronomy itself, and ‘Old Deuteronomy’s buried nine husbands’ doesn’t sound that great. Idris Elba as Macavity: Here’s one that I’m very interested in. I think they might give Macavity a larger role in the film, which is a big ‘heck yeah’ for me, and Elba seems like he could portray the Napoleon of Crime like the menacing figure it’s supposed to be very well. I look forward to both the portrayal, and what the writers do with him. Jennifer Hudson as Grizabella: There’s an old saying that goes: “a CATS-performance is only as good as its Grizabella”. Will this one be any good? I don’t know, we’ll have to see. The bits of Memory we have heard so far sound decent, although nothing will ever top Elaine Paige for me (as you will notice further in this post, I’m a bit of a ‘1998 video version’-purist) It should be noted that her design doesn’t look a whole lot like Grizabella, but that’s a different category. As long as she can deliver a Memory that almost makes me cry, then it’s fine. James Corden as Bustopher Jones: I know a lot of people hate Corden, but I personally don’t mind him. He’s okay in my opinion (I have never seen his late night show, so that might be the reason). Whether he’ll be able to pull of BJ’s almost opera-like singing is something we’ll have to wait and see, because I very much doubt he did the singing in One Chance himself. Taylor Swift as Bombalurina: I have no idea how this will turn out. She can certainly sing (something we can’t say for sure about a lot of other cast members) but I have no idea if she’ll make a good Bomba. Rebel Wilson as Jennyanydots: I’ll go ahead and say it: I wasn’t too fond of the Jennyanydots bits in the trailer. They were a bit too slapstick-y for my likes, and Rebel Wilson isn’t exactly known for subtle humor. Once again, we’ll see how it turns out. Jason Derulo as Rum Tum Tugger: Recent CATS-productions have been changing the classic RTT we know and love to some sort of rapper abomination, and many fans (including myself, as you may notice by that wording) don’t like it. It’s unclear which version the movie will be going for: Derulo certainly resembles the rapper version more, but what we saw in the trailer looks like neither, though slightly leaning towards the classic version. Let’s hope we don’t have to hear RTT rap his own song. Ray Winstone as Growltiger: Look, I have never seen or heard of Ray Winstone, but just seeing Growltiger on the cast list fills me with profound happiness, because that’s the one big complaint I have about my beloved 1998 video version: no Growltiger. Hurray for Growltiger’s return!

That’s the main ones I wanted to discuss. Munkustrap seems unimportant in the trailer (we’ll get to that in a bit) so I won’t discuss him. Victoria mainly just has to be a good dancer, and Francesca Hayward seems to be just that, so no further comment (though more on Victoria later).

2)      Character design

Alright, let’s address the elephant in the room: the CGI. Yes, some of the characters make me very uncomfortable. Yes, I hope they change some things before the final product. But what I want to discuss is the designs themselves.

First of all: head shapes. Apart from some exceptions (Grizabella, Old D, Gus) all cats seem to have a human shape of head, and this bothers me. Usually, Cassandra stands out by her head shape, and so do Cori and Tanto, but here they all have that shape. Usually, RTT has a very wide head to go with his mane, but here? This is my biggest problem with RTT in this trailer (ignoring the threat of rapper-Tugger): the combination of his thin head, kind of small mane and completely different colors make him barely recognizable as Tugger. Many cats look very different: Old D, even ignoring the fact that it’s a woman now, has completely different colors. The same goes for Bombalurina. Maybe this is the ‘don’t you dare change anything’-fanboy side of me talking, but in cases where fur color is the only way to recognize a character, this is a big deal. Macavity also looks completely different, although cool. The hat looks be a bit weird on him though. Also Mistoffelees has black patches on his eyes, not sure how I feel about that.

Overall, the awkward CGI and many changes make character design one of the things I’m less happy about, but oh well.

3)      Sets & backgrounds

I think the backgrounds look gorgeous, although some are very obviously CGI (here we are at the CGI again). But there’s one problem: CATS takes place on a junkyard. I know, obviously they would want to expand a little in the film and include more different settings, and I completely agree: I would’ve been disappointed if they hadn’t. The problem is that I haven’t seen a single junkyard in the trailer. We see streets, a theater, a fancy house, a square, a graveyard, a bar… but no junkyard. Some shots may look like they’re on a junkyard, but trust me: they’re either in the theater, graveyard, or the alley at the back of Bustopher’s favorite club. Again, this is basically me going ‘they changed something reeee’, but come on. It’s like if the Les Mis movie was set in Italy. Tom Hooper, do me a favor and include at least ONE scene on a junkyard.

4)      Story

The musical is, much like Les Mis, 100% singing and talking with music accompaniment, and 0% regular dialogue. From the line said by Victoria at the end of the trailer, we know that they won’t do like Les Mis and completely sing the movie, and I’m perfectly fine with that. CATS’ story has always been a bit unclear for a casual patron who doesn’t know the lyrics and deep lore of the musical, so I’m glad they’re putting in some regular dialogue. If anything, it’ll give us a chance to see the Jellicles’ personalities better.

But speaking of Victoria: it seems like she and Mistoffelees will be the main characters in the movie. This is odd, but understandable. CATS doesn’t have a clear main character. You could say it’s Grizabella, but she’s only in a couple of scenes. You could say it’s Munkustrap, although he is regarded more as the narrator than the main character. However, the trailer has a disappointingly small amount of Munk, and his name is very low on the IMDB cast list. The same goes for Skimbleshanks, who I’m not sure if he’s in trailer at all (unless he’s the cat with the pants) and is even lower on the list than Munkustrap, plus there are no trains or train stations in the trailer. Odd.

Anyway, back to Misto and Vic. Normally, Victoria’s only role is performing a couple of amazing ballet routines, but that doesn’t seem to be case here. I personally would’ve picked Jemima over Victoria as a main character, but I guess her design isn’t as easily recognizable as Victoria’s (have I mentioned how many of the cats look pretty much the same in this version?)

Someone who also seems to have a much larger role is Bustopher. Normally he only appears during his own song, but here he seems to be a more general presence. We’ll see how that works out.

Anyway, if Munkustrap is reduced to just being the cat who sings about the Old Gumbie Cat and maybe Old Deuteronomy, I’ll be mad. (AND THEY BETTER NOT REMOVE HIS FIGHT OVER DEMETER WITH MACAVITY OR I’LL BE VERY MAD) Speaking of Demeter, she’s also very absent in the trailer and low on the cast list. Guess they made Bombalurina more prominent because they got a big name to play her.

5)      Background characters (specifically Tumblebrutus)

As I said in the previous bit, it looks like many characters will be reduced to minor characters, so cats who already were background characters in the musical (like my boy Tumblebrutus) will probably have very little time to shine. I guess that’s inevitable, but I hope they at least make an effort to include the various background characters rather than replace them with generic OC’s. Luckily, I already recognized Pouncival in the background of one of the shots, so there’s hope. But if they don’t include my boy, my all-time favorite Jellicle, the best character in CATS, known as Tumblebrutus, then I’ll be even more mad than if they remove the Munk vs. Mac fight. He’s not on the IMDB list (unless he’s one of the ‘ensemble’ characters) but neither is Pounce and I definitely saw him so fingers crossed I can spot Tumbles when I watch this movie.

Conclusion

Am I excited for this movie? Heck yeah! Am I scared this movie might turn out shit? Heck yeah! There’s really no telling how good this will be (a lot depends on whether the final product has better CGI cats), but I think my viewing experience will be a mix of “Oh my god I’ve been waiting so long for a CATS movie oh look I recognize that character this is awesome oh here comes my favorite song I literally know this entire 2 hour musical by heart” and “Oh my god what is this RTT design where is Tumblebrutus why is there no junkyard why did they slightly alter this one lyric why isn’t this EXACTLY like the 1998 video version I love so much when I get home I’m just gonna watch that version again it’s much better anyway”.

Yours sincerely,

Ethan Livemere, certified CATS-expert and Tumblebrutus fanboy

[thepropertylovers]

A Definitive (And Totally Biased) Ranking of Every Song on 'Lover'

Have you listened to Taylor Swift’s new album yet? It’s already 2019 biggest selling record and we can see why. When T. Swift releases an album, it’s pretty much all you hear about for the next few months (and the few months beforehand, to be honest). So why don’t we count down the best songs on ‘Lover’?

Thomas is a huge Taylor Swift fan, and now that her new album ‘Lover’ has been out for over a week (and he’s listened to it approximately 113 times), he thought it would be fun to rank the songs in order from worst to best. You may agree with some of the choices and you may not, but we can probably all agree that the first half of the album is infinitely better than the second half, which is typically what you get with Swift.

Red may be her best album lyrically, but this album is probably her most fun. Even PJ (who isn’t a huge TS fan by any means) turned to me the other day and said he thinks this is his favorite album she’s ever put out, and is particularly loving ‘Afterglow’. On this album, she’s giving us HAIM, she’s giving us Lana Del Rey, she’s giving us Postal Service, she’s giving us country (?!). Are there too many songs on this album? Probably. Are some of them skippable? Most definitely. But when Taylor Swift blesses us with a new album every few years, it’s an event, and like any event, we need to make a big deal of it. So without further ado, here are the best and worst songs from ‘Lover’:

18. False God

Taylor doing R&B? I knew from the first listen of this song that it would be my least favorite on the album. I appreciate the lyrics, and she’s the sexiest she’s ever been, even more so than ‘Dress’, but it still feels off for her to be doing R&B. It’s not a bad song (does Taylor make bad songs?) but it’s not my favorite.

Best lyric: Staring out the window like I’m not your favorite town, I’m New York City, I still do it for you, babe.

17. Daylight

This is a beautiful closer, and not a bad song in the least (the words are gorgeous), but this is no ‘New Year’s Day’ or ‘Clean’ for me. It took me a couple of listens to find the melody, but overall it’s a solid closing song that wraps up everything she’s feeling very nicely. I think I just prefer the songs on the first half of the album so much more that this song never really stood a chance for me.

Best lyric: I wanna be defined by the things that I love, not the things I hate, not the things I’m afraid of…I just think that you are what you love.

16. You Need To Calm Down

What could I say about this song that hasn’t already been said? It was supposed to be the LGBTQ+ anthem (maybe it still is?) of the summer, but I think it missed a few of the points of what it means to be an ally. Still, Swift is the only big, heterosexual superstar actively coming out and supporting LGBTQ+ rights in her songs, and the fact that she’s trying so hard to pass the Equality Act is amazing. Plus, it’s catchy as hell.

Best lyric: And I ain’t trying to mess with your self-expression but I’ve learned the lesson that stressing and obsessing about somebody else is no fun. And snakes and stones never broke my bones, so.

15. ME!

Where do we even begin with this song? As the first single from ‘Lover’, it was polarizing to a lot of people. PJ and I stayed up until midnight when it was released and we were in bed watching the music video on our laptop and just kept going what? what….? WHAT?! Over and over again with each verse and chorus, and then when the “Hey kids! Spelling is FUN!” line happened, we almost shut our computer down. Thankfully they removed that line from the album version and it instantly made the song better. I think at the end of the day this is a fun, positive, and uplifting song that I actually enjoy, it just surprised me that a person of Swift’s talents was the one who wrote it. But I guess not every song has to be at an ‘All Too Well’ level, and this song is so damn catchy, does it really matter that it’s mot as good as the others?

Best lyric: I know that I went psycho on the phone, I never leave well enough alone, and trouble’s gonna follow where I go.

14. Soon You’ll Get Better

This song, y’all. It’s so beautifully heartbreaking. It’s similar to ‘The Best Day’ in the fact that it’s about her mom, but it couldn’t be more different in tone and feel. The lyrics are so beautiful and honest and raw and real, and the addition of The Dixie Chicks in the background (who I’m pretty sure were put on this earth to harmonize melodies to perfection) absolutely complete the song for me.

Best lyric: And I hate to make this all about me, but then who am I supposed to talk to? What am I supposed to do, if there’s no you?

13. Death By A Thousand Cuts

I don’t know what it is about this song, but this is one that I always skip whenever it comes on, even though I technically don’t have a problem with it. I guess it’s just I would rather listen to the other songs more than this one, which is why it’s lower on the list. It’s not a bad song, though, and I sing along to it whenever it’s on, but it’s not one of my favorites.

Best lyric: I look through the windows of this love even though we boarded them up. 

12. It’s Nice To Have A Friend

This is probably the weirdest song on the album, but I absolutely love it. It gives me major Postal Service vibes, but it’s quirky and fun and playful. I love the innocence of it and the feel it evokes, even if I don’t entirely know what it’s about or what she’s trying to say/the point of the song is. But she is right, it is nice to have a friend. Mr. Rogers would be proud.

Best lyric: Lost my gloves, you give me one, wanna hang out? Yeah, sounds like fun.

11. The Archer

I really like this song, and the only reason it’s on the lower half of this list is because I love her fun, more up-beat songs on the album so much. But I love the words and the angle she’s coming from on this one. And I will casually find myself singing, “All the kinds horses and all the kings men, couldn’t put me together again.” over and over randomly throughout the day. Even when she doesn’t write the words, Swift has an ear for catchy rhymes.

Best lyric: Easy they come, easy they go, I jump from the train, I ride off alone, I never grew up, it’s getting so old.

10. I Forgot That You Existed

I think as an opener it’s a pretty solid song. The title is a little trite, but the words are clever and I like the point of view/outlook she’s coming from when she matter-of-factly states that she doesn’t love the person or hate them, she just doesn’t really think about them at all. Which, to me, is the definition of moving on and is a lot easier said than done, but is so worth it when you finally get to that state of mind.

Best lyric: I forgot that you existed. It isn’t love, it isn’t hate, it’s just indifference.

9. London Boy

Sure this song is silly and has a very questionable opening line, but it’s also one of the most fun on the album. Having never been to London before, I really got a sense of what it’s like by Swift listing all of the things she loves so much about her boyfriend’s hometown. Plus listening to her list everything she loves about Joe is adorable, even if she doesn’t do the best British accent. Bonus points for mentioning Tennessee AND for an intro by Idris Elba. Swoon.

Best lyric: But something happened, I heard him laughing, I saw the dimples first and then I heard the accent. They say home is where the heart is, but that’s not where mine is.

8. Miss Americana & The Heartbreak Prince

Taylor at her most Lana-like, almost even more so than ‘Wildest Dreams’. The melody and the beat and the lyrics and the way she enunciates (and the fact that it has the word Americana in it, which is LDR’s favorite topic to sing about) reminds me so much of Lana Del Rey that I almost wonder if this should have been a duet between the two queens. I like this song because it’s interesting and the metaphors are killer. The lyrics are creative, clever, and put to good use, too.

Best lyric: Boys will be boys then, where are the wise men?

7. Paper Rings

Another fun one! I told my sister that I kind of wish she would have put this type of song out about 10 years ago because it seems a little juvenile for a 30 year old to be singing, but it’s a cute love song that is almost impossible not to dance to. It also reminds me of one of my favorite movies of all time, Clueless. Can’t you just picture Cher riding around in her Jeep with her friends listening to this song and living her best life?

Best lyric: I like shiny things but I’d marry you with paper rings uh-huh, that’s right, darling, you’re the one I want.

6. Afterglow

This is a song that grew on me, mostly because this is PJ’s favorite song on the album and I somehow always end up loving whatever song PJ likes in the end. I love how she frames a very common topic in relationships, though: that your head can make up some messed up shit sometimes and you will say or do things you don’t mean in the moment because you’re so upset. But acknowledging that you’ve made a mistake, that it’s all your fault and they didn’t do anything wrong, is the best thing you can do to correct the situation. And it really shows Swift’s maturity as a person and as a songwriter to include a song like this on her album. Also, this is PJ’s favorite song on the album, so I feel like I should have included it a little higher on the list. Sorry, baby!

Best lyric: Fighting with a true love is boxing with no gloves.

5. Lover

The most atmospheric song on the album. I wanted to not like this song because it’s so heavy and schmalzy, but I really do love it. Y’all know I’m sappy lovey-dovey, and this song is one big love letter to love, which is what she said her album is all about, so naturally I’m placing it high on the list. Me and PJ listened to this song the other night while we were in bed talking and it was the perfect background song to just be with him.

Best lyric: Can I go where you go? Can we always be this close? Forever and ever.

4. I Think He Knows

This song is SO MUCH FUN. It’s cute and poppy and boppy and I love the confidence she’s giving us. This album has a lot of 80’s sounding songs, almost more so than ‘1989’, and this is one of the best examples of it. The part right before the last chorus when the music really picks up and she belts, “I think he knooooooows!” gives me major Mariah Carey vibes and I am so here for it. Chills, every time.

Best lyric: I got that uhh, I mean, want to see what’s under that attitude. I want you, bless my soul.

3. Cornelia Street

I always think she’s at her best when it’s just her penning the songs, and this is a prime example. It’s sweet and a little melancholy, but the lyrics are so strong and you can’t help but sing along to the chorus when she sings, “And I hope I never lose you, hope this never ends.” And to be honest, I didn’t want the song to end, either.

Best lyric: Years ago we were just inside, barefoot in the kitchen, sacred new beginnings that became my religion, listen.

 2. The Man

This. Song. Is. So. Good. She’s been extremely vocal the last few years about feminism, and this song wraps everything up in a big bow and delivers it with all of the Haim-inspired gusto it can muster. The beat and music is full on Haim, but the smart and sharp lyrics are all Swift. So many good points made and I love the Leo reference in Saint Tropez. Also, I didn’t know how to pronounce Saint Tropez until this song, so I really owe her a lot for this one.

Best lyrics: If I was out flashing my dollars I’d be a bitch, not a baller, they paint me out to be bad, so it’s okay that I’m mad.

1. Cruel Summer

For me, this song rivals Blank Space in how good of a song it is, which is a big claim to make, and the reason it comes in at number 1. The tempo, the picture it paints, how you feel when you listen to the song. The lyrics and the melody, it all just fits and makes me feel like I’m driving in a convertible with the top down, cruising down the California highway as the sun is setting. Not that I’ve ever done that, but that’s how powerful this song is! It paints such a vivid picture and is easily one of her best songs to date.

Best lyric: He looks up grinning like a devil!

There you have it! Have you listened to the whole thing yet? What are your favorite songs on the album?

[thatislife]

I’ve listened to the whole Lover album now. It’s wonderful. Some initial thoughts in no particular order...

This feels so much like her. Like she found herself again

I Forgot That You Existed

Indifference. Love it.

Wait. She dropped Drake’s name. In my feelings. Lol

Is it just me or does this have some similar beats/music as This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things?

Cruel Summer

“If I bleed you’ll be the last to know”. So powerful

“I don’t want to keep secrets just to keep you” is so important. I doubt she meant it like this but it reminds me of abuse. Never keep those secrets folks. And there’s a difference between someone wanting to keep a relationship a secret for privacy and wanting to keep it a secret because of shame. Know the difference. And dump them if it’s the latter.

Her vocals when she sings “I cried like a baby coming back from the bar”! SO GOOD!

“I scream for whatever it’s worth, ‘I love you, ain’t that the worst thing you’ve ever heard?!?’”

“He looks so pretty like a devil” reminds me of Miley Cyrus’s 7 Things. In the best way. Actually the whole song kind of does. But a better, more adult, more refined version.

Cruel Summer could have been on 1989. Easily. Did Jack Antonoff produce this? Oh, yup. Totally did.

Cruel Summer might be my favorite

Lover (song)

60s vibes. Love it. Sounds like her. Love the video. Not having as much of a “reaction” because it’s not new to me anymore. But that video! SO THOUGHT OUT

The Man

I am so fucking here and for The Man

Seriously. The bullshit women, especially powerful and successful women, have to put up with is insane

“What I was wearing” is a reference to how women are treated in cases of sexual assault, yeah? Do we agree? Good

Ok, The Man may be my favorite. Or at least it’s my new anthem

Love the Leo name check

This song is going to be so fucking good on tour. I need to find a pantsuit to wear...

Archer

Again, not new anymore. But SO good. Feels like anxiety to me. The expectation that everyone and everything is going to leave you.

Basically one of my therapy sessions.

Eyes Open gives me similar vibes

I Think He Knows.

Very fun. A bop.

“I am an architect, I’m drawing up the plans”. Girl. We could have told him that lol. We were the first victims of your plans haha

Love it. Also going to be great on tour

Miss Americans & The Heartbreak Prince

About her “exile”. Really like this. I’m sad that she felt this way.

“You play stupid games, you win stupid prizes” is such a middle finger to it all. Love it.

“Boys will be boys”. Their behavior is always explained or excused, but women have to meet insane standards of decorum. Not to mention the obvious reference to how sexual assault is treated

This song is probably going to become my favorite. I see it as the one that’s going to sneak up on me and constantly find itself played multiple times in a row

Paper Rings

SO FUN

“Went home and tried to stalk you on the internet” hahahaha 😂😂😂 (She should have asked us for tips)

THIS IS GOING TO BE SO FUN ON TOUR

“In dirty dreams” okuuurrr Taylor! Get it girl!

Such a sweet song.

If she’s not engaged or married yet, I’d be shocked. Not that it is any of my business.

Has a sort of early 2000’s teen romcom montage song vibe

Cornelia Street

The way she sings “I never want Cornelia Street again” is so good

I hope she never needs Cornelia Street again. No offense to Cornelia Street

I like all of the insights into the beginnings of their relationship

I think I hear storms/thunder at the end. Not sure what it’s about but I like it

Death By A Thousand Cuts

I like the strain/frustration in her voice. Like she’s saying it through gritted teeth

I think this one will also sneak up on me

“I ask the traffic lights if it’ll be alright”. Love that

“Trying to find a part of me that you didn’t touch/take up” is SO great. It starts as just physical and her body but it reaches into every aspect of her life. It reminds me of “I try to be my old self but I’m still trying to find it”

Love the rhythm/cadence of it

London Boy

IDRIS ELBA!!!!!!!!

Idris Elba has a scooter!!!

The chorus reminds me of Ed Sheeran’s verse in End Game

This will also be super fun on tour

London fans getting all these references!!! YOU ARE SEEN!!!

Soon You’ll Get Better

I knew this song was going to destroy me

When she sings “‘Cause you have to” 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Praying to the prescription bottles.

Praying to a god you don’t believe in because you’re desperate and scared

“I just pretend it isn’t real. I’ll paint the kitchen neon, I’ll brighten up the sky” Trying to do anything to fix things, to make it better, to control anything in a situation that is out of your control is such a helpless feeling. It’s infuriating. And I’m currently living it

The bridge 💔

Then she changes it to “‘Cause I have to” 😭💔😭

I’m so glad the Dixie Chicks collaborated on this

How was she even able to record this?

Ronan is heartbreaking but this is in an entirely different stratosphere of devastating

She said in the live Lover Lounge thing that she spoke with her family about whether to release it and that it was a family decision. I’m glad it was

I’ve currently got a young family member who has an incurable, terminal cancer. This was hard to listen to.

Definitely a “listen to alone while curled up on the floor, sobbing” kind of song

False God

I like it but I think any song positioned right after Soon You’ll Get Better was going to have a hard time

Very jazzy?

A very good companion to Dress

You Need To Calm Down

I love this

I will always love this

It’s all pride flags, feminism, and middle fingers and I 👏🏼 AM 🏳️‍🌈 HERE ♀FOR 🖕🏻 IT 👏🏼

Afterglow

I like that she’s being very upfront about how her anxiety and previous trauma has affected her relationships

The afterglow is the calm after the storm of a fight

Me!

When Panic! released “Dying In L.A.”, literally the first thing I said after hearing it was “I want him to duet with Taylor. It would be SO GOOD”

I was right 😁

So fun. Love them together

Brendon Urie’s voice is just so uniquely amazing. It’s basically a sexual orientation by itself.

My sexual orientation may just be Brendon Urie

I might be biased

Still amazing

GIRL THERE AINT NO I IN TEAM!!!

Tour closer? Prediction

It’s Nice To Have A Friend

I like the simplicity

Like childhood

Seriously. I think she’s married

I think it’s going to overly criticized for its simplicity

May get overlooked by some of the more powerful songs, but there’s power in simplicity too

Daylight

It’s a fresh start

Reminiscent of clean

Really like it

Winds down the album well

Many call backs “Burning Red” “It’s Golden”

I love the voice memo to close it out

Step into the daylight and let it go ❤️

Basically, I love this album. It really is her best one. Plus, SHE OWNS IT 😁

@taylorswift @taylornation

[geek-gem]

I’ve been working on this for some days. Because of Aawesomepenguin’s latest post. I know how the Sonic movie goes. While we have known some stuff of it already before. But not in that much detail. 

This is basically my what if idea for a Sonic movie. I’ve made two of these before. The first being with Metal Sonic and Silver Sonic, the 2nd I’d like to called the, “Chaos Draft” because it was a loose adaption of Sonic Adventure and borrowing heavily from the fake Reddit info leak I’ve talked about before. 

Really I’ll give my honest thoughts on the Sonic movie when I see it personally. Because I don’t wanna just slam a whole bunch of negativity on it. But I’m mainly disappointed by the fact of the direction it went. I might end up loving the film. Yet I would of liked something like a more serious take on the franchise. Let me talk deep here mate.

I’ve wanted to talk about this despite this has been said in my head. I would love if it Sonic was made cool again. Which is a intriguing topic because hasn’t Sonic always been cool? It depends on how you see it. Which is why I seem more serious on a Sonic movie adaptation than other video game adaptions. Because the franchise means a lot to me. Which is why I want the movie to be good and hopefully the reception gets better because of it.

Despite I’ve learned I shouldn’t do a condensed loose version of Sonic Adventure and whatever else. My biggest inspirations for this new version of my Sonic movie was taken from several things. Such as my love for the 2018 movie adaption of Rampage by Brad Peyton. Which helped inspired this vision in a weird way. 

Along with Paul W.S. Anderson’s RE films mainly the first because of well those films aren’t big. Mainly low budget. So I decided to not take a risk with Chris Pratt as the lead character. Especially there were other characters in actors and characters. But also the mis-mash of ideas which is risky. Considering the first RE movie took elements from RE 1 and 2 and I wanted to try something like that.

The other inspiration was Sonic Adventure 2. Such as using elements from that story but not all of it where it be a direct adaption. This is the reason why I’ve been playing the game more(Mainly if I recall on the Dreamcast). To get inspiration for this story. While Adventure 2 suffers problems such as with writing and other things, it’s a game I personally love. Including this is a reason why Rouge is here(Along with the reason I want Lisa voicing that character), and other elements as well. Also considering when the Sonic movie we were getting was getting written. The Adventure games such as Sonic Adventure 2 Battle was an inspiration. Basically this classic image here. 

Including other info I’ve learned from here about Van. https://www.bumbleking.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=7576&start=210&sid=2d070269a047bd57674d2db32b49a8f8 Gonna be honest I did not expect that image to be put here I was expecting a link.

Basically I wanted to make a outline while it’s not a draft. But a story I was happy with and I thought would make a good start off for Sonic movie. A story I felt would of been good as a stand alone in a way but it might get sequels anyway. Which is why it’s not just a simple origin story you have Sonic, Eggman, Tails, Amy Rose, Rouge, Metal Sonic, Silver Sonic, the GUN Commander, and the president(with his secretary of course). Especially that fake Reddit leaked story was in mind with the areas. But still it’s a story I feel personally happy with. Despite I have not written a script but it’s the outline I like.

In a similar way to the 2018 Rampage movie. Which while there are other nice and good video game movie adaptions as well such as Detective Pikachu. My direction for a film like this(it would be directed by someone else or whatever) is gonna be a lot more bad ass, a bit more serious, but most importantly a lot more emotional. 

Especially to aim for a PG-13 rating that older audiences can enjoy. Along with the other goal to understand who Sonic is as a character when he’s involved in a more serious situation where the world is kind of against him, he’s been framed, Robotnik and the, “Metal Brothers” are out to kill him. With Ian being this surrogate of like the fans that love Sonic(which may seem weird as hell), but also being a person that develops this close bond with this creature because they are very alike. Including Ian will risk his life to make sure this creature who has become his best friend, almost like a brother won’t die. But also with these other characters too such as Tails and Amy.

Including the other point is to make a surrogate better than well Chris Thorndyke because he’s a character that I felt should of been better. Yet Sonic is still the main protagonist with Ian being a deuteragonist. It’s to show in a setting like this humans can be pretty good characters if handled right. That’s why he’s there too in a way.

While I have thought of the idea people would look at the, “Make Sonic cool again” as a way of it being brought back to levels of Shadow The Hedgehog and Sonic 06. But more so again like the Dreamcast era and some modern games and some classic games thrown in there a bit too. 

Besides I think I’ve made too many of these. I’m officially gonna stop because I’m kind of happy with what I did. With this idea because it’s I guess almost everything I want. It’s a reasonable starting point for a Sonic movie. Because it has things I like and would like to see in a movie. So I’m pleased with it. I’m being an annoyance to folks anyway making this shit. Because it seems disrespectful I make these while a movie is coming out anyway that’s already completed in a way. Despite we are getting a redesign. 

But again here’s my what if idea for a Sonic movie. Whether it could be at Paramount, or even at Warner Bros with Legendary Pictures. I’ve rambled on too long I talk too much. 

“Sometimes you gotta go fast! In a action packed adventure based upon the popular and iconic video game series, Sonic The Hedgehog.

The world is in serious danger when an insane scientist by the name of Dr. Ivo Robotnik(Jeffrey Dean Morgan) plans to take it over. His goal is to use the power of the mysterious Chaos Emeralds to power his machines. To ensure his victory, Robotnik has made certain robots that will make sure he is able to obtain his goal for world domination.

Now because of being mistaken for a villainous robot who looks like him. Sonic(Tom Holland), the world’s fastest hedgehog is on the run from the military. Along the way he meets a young GUN soldier Ian Andrews(Brenton Thwaites), a man who wants to help everyone the best he can. 

With them teaming up, on the run from the military known as GUN, and to get the Chaos Emeralds and stop Robotnik from achieving his goal. But during this time as they fight through a ever changing battlefield. Ian must make sure not only help stop a global catastrophe. Yet to also save Sonic who he’s developed an unshakable bond with. Especially from the horrifying threat of Metal Sonic”.

Characters.

Sonic The Hedgehog. Voiced by Tom Holland. A 21 year old hedgehog who’s cocky but kind and chill. 4 feet tall. The world’s fastest hedgehog who while being framed by Metal Sonic, wants to save the planet from Robotnik. Even if it means risking his own life helping these humans who don’t understand who he is as a person. Because he knows it’s the right thing to do/

Ian Andrews. Played by Brenton Thwaites. The 21 year old GUN Private who helps assist Sonic to save the planet. A young man who joined GUN because he wanted to simply helped people in his area. While only a Private assigned in his home area to defend it. He is courageous despite being afraid of certain enemies. Especially because he wants to simply help everyone the best he can. Including the blue hedgehog who he develops an unshakable bond with, almost like a brother. He knows Sonic is innocent and risks his life to reveal the truth.

Dr. Ivo Robotnik. Played by Jeffrey Dean Morgan. The 55 year old scientist with an IQ of 300. Who wants to take over the planet, along with making Robotnikland a reality. While he may be hilarious, he is a rather cruel, narcissistic, and a very intelligent man who will do anything to get what he wants.

Miles Tails Prower. Voiced by: Noah Schnapp. A 14 year old two tailed fox. 3 feet tall. He’s an intelligent engineer and inventor who flies a plane, and Sonic’s best friend, who is like Sonic’s younger brother.

Amy Rose. Voiced by Maisie Williams. A 18 year old hedgehog. 4 feet tall. While she admittedly has a crush on Sonic. She’s like to make it as public. But she is a kind hearted young woman who wants to help her friends and will fight for them if needed. Especially to never give up on them.

Rouge The Bat. Voiced by Lisa Hannigan. A 24 year old bat who is helping Robotnik but is secretly a GUN agent. 4 feet tall. While a treasure hunter and even a thief. She’s actually much more kind than people think about her. Despite her narcissism, being strong minded, and flirtatious.

Metal Sonic. A robotic copy of Sonic himself and Robotnik’s personal enforcer. 4 feet tall. Inspired by Sonic’s skills and speed. Metal is Robotnik’s greatest creation. With a goal set in mind by Robotnik, to kill Sonic once and for all while being Robotnik’s personal enforcer and leader of his robotic army. But as time goes on, Metal becomes more obsessed with Sonic to where he thinks there can only be one Sonic.

Silver Sonic. Another robotic copy of Sonic and Robotnik’s powerhouse of a brute. 16 feet tall. While not as self aware as Metal. Silver Sonic’s doesn’t care and just would rather listen to his master Robotnik. Built to simply destroy anyone or anything that gets in the doctors way.

Abraham Westbrook the GUN Commander. Played by Idris Elba. The 53 year old commander who leads the GUN military. While trying to figure out what’s going on with Robotnik and Sonic. He’s trying to stop any possible threats to thw world.

Gabriel Ivan the President of the United States. Played by Oded Fehr. The 51 year old president of the USA. Who while trying to do what’s best for nation’s people and be against Robotnik. He understands Ian’s situation considering he was once a solider in the GUN military and just wanted to do the right thing. He’s also the one who sent Rouge to go undercover with Robotnik and to find Sonic as well.

To be honest I have thought about other characters. Such as being played by actors being like callbacks to stuff. Such as Deedee Magno Hall(Steven Universe), Jennifer Paz(Steven Universe), Shelby Rabara(Steven Universe), and Emilia Clarke. But I have realized there are too many characters if you don’t handle them right. Besides I think I just wanna post this after seeing that spoilers filled post. 

Including I’ll leave the little details under this with areas and the inspirations. Which I have talked already about. Other details are that I’d would love Andrew Lockington to do the score. 

I’ll also admit Ian who is not Gary anymore or he could be a younger brother of Gary. Ian is basically inspired by Leon Kennedy especially the RE2 remake version. Including I decided to make Ian’s Sonic’s new age because it might help them connect more or so.

I’m not gonna do a RT score because I don’t want to. Besides we haven’t even got the Sonic movie out yet with no score. I’m talking about Rotten Tomatoes. Hopefully you enjoy this or so. It’s just me rambling and yeah I’m done with these. Because I feel happy when I think about this story. Yet also it’s probably secretly annoying people now. Since I’ve just put down the tags, hope no one minds this in the Sonic movie positivity tag. Because I don’t really shit on the movie. Yet I want this to get some attraction. Despite I know my long rambling will turn people off.

Areas: 

Central City.

Green Hill.

Chemical Plant.

South Island.

Metropolis zone.

Inspirations:

Sonic Adventure 2.

[velveteencurtains]

lover first impressions

i forgot that you existed — a cute bop!! the ending is so funny fhshshs

cruel summer — oh Worm??? The chorus hits SO HARD and the lyrics are amazing. I can’t wait to hear this on tour

the man — GAHSHAHHS SO GOOOOD. also I will never get used to hearing taylor swear in songs

i think he knows — if rep was a nighttime album and, ergo, dress was a nighttime song, then this is her daytime counterpart. does that make sense? idk. a whole ass bop. is she moaning in the background of this?? fhshshsh

miss americana and the heartbreak prince — GIVE US A MUSIC VIDEO GIVE US A MUSIC VIDEO GIVE US A MUSIC VIDEO GIVE US A MUSIC VIDEOOOOOOO

paper rings — another song that is a) about weddings and b) sounds like it’s by a wedding band and would 100% be played during a reception. miss swift......are you trying to tell us something???? anyway this song is so sugary sweet and i’m smiling so hard my cheeks hurt. also the lyric “i hate accidents except when we went from friends to this” is (deep blue, he painted me) GOLDEN

cornelia street — hmm okay i understand why todrick said cornelia street is his favorite song off lover. taylor has this amazing ability to take deeply emotional songs and turn then into beautiful upbeat pieces that still hit you straight in the heart (ex: dwoht). the bridge is just SOAKING in pure emotion. so gorgeous

death by a thousand deep cuts — the infamous track 10 from the sessioners. was very confused bc it was supposedly so emotional taylor had to leave the room but it sounds so upbeat then realized it’s another cornelia street type song, where the lyrics are very emotional but the production is just upbeat. like imagine this stripped down to just a piano. literal TEARS

london boy — is— is that IDRIS ELBA??? taylor will never admit this but when writing this song she had a google page up that said “famous places in england” and another tab that said “english slang”. it’s true i was the computer

soon you’ll get better — hi taylor it’s currently 5:21 am and i’m starting my day ugly crying in my bedroom in pitch blackness. what the hell.

false god — taylor when she started producing this song: get kenny g on the phone. this song is SAXY (i’ll leave now okay). no seriously what a great song. the lyric “i know heaven’s a thing / i go there when you touch me, honey / hell is when i fight with you” punched me in the face in the best way possible

afterglow — okay now i understand what sessioners meant when they said “______ is _____’s sister’s best friend’s cousin” bc this is back to december’s sister. or this is just back to december when she’s older and wiser. also fun fact my alarm started going off in the middle of this and i’m listening with headphones so i got very confused and thought taylor had just made an interesting production choice. it’s 5:30 am.

it’s nice to have a friend — the choir in the background reminds me of euphoria. and this totally just paints a picture in my mind of two people who are trying to deny their feelings for each other finally caving. i can picture like a cheerleader and maybe an outcast falling for one another even though the cheerleader has a jock bf. is that too cheesy of a concept? anyway, i would like to see it

daylight — clean’s Mother. this feels so cathartic and sweet and literally FEELS like stepping into the daylight. the reference to red. i’m crying. taylor speaking at the end of it. you are what you love. the fact that this is self written and this is just taylor, unfiltered. such a wonderful closing to the album.

okay i have to go now, it’s 5:38 and i have an anatomy quiz today that i haven’t studied for. thank you for such a beautiful album and thank you for always being so wonderful. i love you to the moon and back

[thecourtneychronicles]

“If you watch RuPaul’s Drag Race, or have seen the 21st season of Celebrity Big Brother UK, or have dipped into The Bi Life, or the Australian version of Dancing with the Stars – fuck it, if you have ever directed your eyes towards a screen – you should be well-acquainted with Courtney Act, the drag queen, pop singer and reality TV personality.

If you’ve never heard of Courtney Act, then she’s best described as a mixture of Barbie, Britney and a Beverly Hills housewife who sneaks a few Valium before throwing an elaborate dinner party. She’s also incredibly switched-on. When she was on CBB – as her non-drag self Shane Jenek – she spent a lot of time and energy educating the older, more clueless housemates on things like sexual fluidity and transgender issues. During convos that would have caused most people to scream “who IS she?” in the diary room, Shane spoke calmly but firmly. She eventually won the show.

Now, as you may know, we have this column called ‘Smash Hits and Superstars’, which is basically when we ring up famous people and ask their opinion on a bunch of new tracks. In the past, we’ve forced Tom Jones to listen to SOPHIE, had Zara Larsson talking about Little T, and got Idris Elba bang into Sleaford Mods. So as a fan of both RuPaul’s Drag Race and Courtney Act herself, I thought I’d ring her up and ask her opinion on “Old Town Road” obviously, one of Madonna’s latest single and many more.

Because she’s Courtney Act – AKA frighteningly well put together, seemingly always in control, never a fake eyelash out of place – the first thing she told me after picking up the phone was that she’d “read the brief and done the homework”. The phone line was a little crackly, but I’m pretty sure I could hear the rustle of paper in the background (notes?) and occasionally she’d pause our interview to watch a certain music video again, just to be sure of her observations. Here’s what she had to say.

VICE: How you doing Courtney? Courtney Act: Very good. I’m in California right now, and last night my DJ friend gave me marijuana edibles. So I was laying in bed afterwards and it was the perfect place to experience this wide berth of popular music.

Edibles fuck me up. The thing is, in California it’s legal and you can buy it in shops with like 5mg – otherwise people have so many horrible stories. It needs to be measured out in little doses.

You’re right. I don’t trust my immediate circle to do that. But I’m glad you listened to these tracks under those circumstances. Shall we start with “Old Town Road”? That track is everywhere at the moment, even I’m getting sick of it. I wrote notes but I’m trying to remember which one… oh yes. Well, it’s a far cry from “Achy Breaky Heart” which is probably a good thing because the world’s moved on from that, even though we love a classic.

We do love a classic. There’s a really cool bass line, and it totally all works together. I was laying in bed rocking out to this interesting collab. The only thing was, there was a fade out. Call me old fashioned, but I love songs that end. As a songwriter, I feel like you put a fade out when you can’t work out how to end a song.

I hear you. Maybe I agree? It doesn’t feel so satisfying. What about the Madonna track, are you a fan? I am a Madonna fan. I didn’t know this new song was coming. I heard that she was performing at the Billboard Awards, and I heard she’s spent $5 million of her own money on the performance. I feel like she is… serious about this. I watched the music video and listened to the song, and my first observation was that Madonna says “one, two, cha cha cha”. Now, a cha cha starts on a “two”. It goes “two, three, cha cha cha”. Now that I’m a boring dance aficionado, I can let you in on that.

Shit, someone needs to let her know before the Billboard performance. Or is it too late? I know! “MADGE! YOU LOOK LIKE YOU’VE NEVER CHA CHA-ED BEFORE!” I have an important question though… in the music video, does she suck [Maluma’s] toe?

Wait, what… when? She was like, going down on his toes… ‘I was like, what is she sucking on?!’ [Pauses to check the video] Oh my god, there it is! Okay, it happens at 3 minutes and 5 seconds. She’s definitely sucking something. It looks like… a penis? I remember watching it and thinking, this isn’t normal. For PornHub maybe, but for YouTube? She’s got an eye patch on, and a glass of champagne… she’s multitasking. Why is nobody talking about this?

Did you like the FKA twigs one? With the pole dancing? It’s so beautiful. And her voice and the sounds that her breath makes is so detailed. I wouldn’t be surprised if it popped up inOA, that Netflix show.

Can you pole dance? I haven’t tried pole dancing, but I did meet an ex boyfriend while I was swinging around a pole in a club. I looked across and I saw this cute boy and was like *giggles*. That was back in 2006.

I’m surprised there was never a pole dancing challenge on Drag Race. Or not to my memory… Yeah I don’t think there has been, even though it seems like an obvious choice? Maybe it was too hard. Pole dancing is way harder than it looks.

Very true. I’m also interested to hear your thoughts on the Stormzy track “Vossi Bop” as a non-Londoner. I’m a big fan of Stormzy. I first heard Stormzy when he featured on the Little Mix track “Power”, which I was in the music video for. And then his BRITs performance… I cry every time I watch that performance, when he starts calling out Theresa May and speaking about Grenfell. It gives me goosebumps every time and makes me feel emotional. I love it when artists comment on society in such a strong and direct way. It’s so cool. I love grime. Or is it grimes? Single or plural?

Grime. Single. I’ll let you off because you’re Australian. I’m going to sound real, I’m not going to pretend I know what I’m talking about… but grime has such a unique flavour. Which is why – to side step for a second – I’m excited about Drag Race UK. Because when a new culture brings a new flavour to a style, something exciting happens. Some of the lyrics in Stormzy’s track I had to re-listen to. I’m guessing the Vossi Bop is that head noddy dance.

I guess you were in CBB UK, so it’s not like British culture is completely alien to you, right? Yeah, and I’ve been living in London since March last year. It’s been a culture immersion for me, which has been really fun. I love it. At the moment my plan is to continue living here.

We’ve only got five minutes left I think, so let’s chat about “Bad Guy” by Billie Eilish. What are your thoughts? Is this the one that was… let me check my notes. Oh yeah, this song. Some songs are like 'look at me, I’m a song!’ But this one is so intimate and minimal and cool that it commands your attention.

If you had to lip synch this for your legacy, could yo manage to do it? With something so lowkey? God, there would be a lot of pointing and using my mouth, like Coco Montrese did, where she pointed at her mouth and articulated every single word, letting the judges know she knew all the lyrics. At times, this track is a bit like music and ASMR combined. The song is so simple it doesn’t even care if you listen to it, it’s so cool.

Do you ever watch ASMR videos on YouTube? Only to find out what ASMR was. Oddly, something about it does make sense to me, because I like meditating. And the meditating I do focusses on the sensation of your breath, and the sensation of your body. And I guess people listen to it because the sound creates tingles on their body and it helps them relax, so when I put on an ASMR video, I was like 'Oh my god, the quietness of it all, is kind of like meditating? In a way?’

I personally love the ones where you’re pretending to have your hair cut. I love having my hair cut, I find the experience relaxing. The sound of scissors snipping around my head. So you put headphones on and can hear the scissors? I have to try that. I feel like I’d be really worried though, like “how much are you cutting off?!” I’ll put a wig on. How are you going to spend the rest of the day? Go for a hike, eat something vegan.

So LA. Thanks for chatting Courtney.

Courtney’s interview with Vice - May 7, 2019

[agentnico]

Sonic the Hedgehog 2 (2022) Review

Look, my options were either this or Morbius. So I went and saw Sonic. This is not a particularly oh inspiring week at the movies... 

Plot: After settling in Green Hills, Sonic is eager to prove that he has what it takes to be a true hero. His test comes when Dr. Robotnik returns with a new partner, Knuckles, in search of a mystical emerald that has the power to destroy civilizations. Sonic teams up with his own sidekick, Tails, and together they embark on a globe-trotting journey to find the emerald before it falls into the wrong hands.

A quote from my review of the first Sonic film - “Sonic the Hedgehog is not a bad movie. It’s not the best thing on the market and if I wanted to I could shred this thing into bits critically seeing as there are many plot holes and inconsistencies throughout and cliches and tropes to the brim.” Now let’s jump back into present day and I’ve just watched the sequel. I don’t know if I’m having a particularly bad day today or simply in the mood to be evil, but I’m gonna go and shred this thing to bits. Because Sonic the Hedgehog 2 is not, I repeat, NOT a good movie! You might be wondering how this may be possible seeing as the critical and audience scores for this movie are generally positive, however I’m coming forth and stamping my palm upon the surface proclaiming with anguish that Sonic 2 is a pile of garbage! Yes, one can say I am not really the target audience for this as I happen to not be in the age group of 12 or younger, and I must say at the screening I was in the kids seemed to be loving it, as I heard them gasp and laugh and you could definitely feel the excitement from them whenever Sonic did Soniccy things and Knuckles used his... knuckles. Also there are plenty of references to the original SEGA games that I’m sure will please video games fans as they point their fingers to the screen exclaiming “hey I know that thing!!”. So yes, families and Sonic fans will enjoy this. Wait a minute, why am I suddenly sounding positive about Sonic the Hedgehog 2?! I didn’t like this movie! It was crap! Let me explain...

In a nutshell, or should I say eggshell, Sonic 2 s a load of randomness mixed in together in a nonsensical adventure that is filled with convenient coincidences, cheesy one-liners, an abundance of terrible pop culture references and a very annoying Ben Schwartz voicing the titular character. In regards to the coincidences, all the events that transpire throughout the plot all happen all too convenient. Even when things go wrong, it leads to resolving itself with barely an inconvenience. And boy does Sonic get himself in a lotta trouble. Schwartz constantly nags confidently with his stupid voice that he can take on anything and do anything, only to always get knocked down. But then he gets up again and things are just resolved, because who gives a flying fudge about how? Folks jut wanna see Sonic do Sonic and be Sonic and Sonic Sonic Sonic everything is Sonic!! And gosh, those pop culture references! The amount of times Sonic would just reference something in a one liner with a wink to the camera; it became exhausting! A scene involves Sonic and Tails discovering this legend of this emerald ring that looks like it was stolen from the backstage of Wicked, and how it led to a century long war between owls of Ga’Hoole and echidnas only for Sonic to then quip “Oh, that’s just like Vin Diesel and The Rock”, evidently referencing the Fast & Furious feud that’s only been going on for a couple of years. Yeah, cause a couple of years is just like a century, ain’t it? Also, will kids even know about the Diesel and Rock feud? I thought this was a kids movie. What are you Sonic the Hedgehog 2? Who is your target audience?? Apparently Marvel fans also, as Sonic at one point calls Knuckles “the Winter Soldier” because good golly if that ain’t a reference everyone will get! Speaking of Knuckles, Idris Elba voices him, and my gosh is Knuckles dumb. I mean he is so stupid here, with the writers evidently trying to create a fish out of water scenario, however it results in you staring at Knuckles in despair and considering the prospect of knuckling him right in his gonads. 

There’s also human characters here, all of whom only exist because they had a role in the first film and so they were brought back but they had no further reason to purpose the story. So instead they all get side-lined to this random Hawaii wedding sub-plot that felt unnecessary and pointless, and even though in the end it does tie up the main plot, for the most part the wedding tale is a tale that should have been divorced before it came about. The only humanoid to play an actual part is Jim Carrey, who returns as Dr. Robotnik who stole the show in the last movie, and here Carrey dials his shtick up even more, moving his body around so much as if replaying his Grinch character, and though I found some of his remarks chuckle worthy at best, even he became annoying by the end, just throwing jokes for the sake of throwing them. That’s the thing with Sonic 2. It tries so darn hard to be funny, and comedy should never be forced. However here you are beaten over the head with how supposedly funny it all is. Well it’s not. This movie was just a lot of colours and randomness thrown together, and to be fair though the visual effects were decent, that doesn’t save Sonic the Hedgehog 2 from being a movie I don’t think I will ever watch again.

Overall score: 3/10

[professional-anti]

Chapter Six: Forsaken

Chapter Six: Forsaken Aka Nazgûl. Anyhoo, Clary meets Alec and Jace in the weapons room. Alec is still hardcore judging her, but honestly, at least he’s not sucking her dick like Hodge. Our parabatai/parabros are polishing some seraph blades made by ppl Jace calls the Iron Sisters. I wonder if they’ll come back up, or if this is just another unnecessary detail.

Clary asks the perfectly reasonable question of if the blades are made by magic, and Jace shits on mundanes:

“The funny thing about mundies,” Jace said, to nobody in particular, “is how obsessed they are with magic for a bunch of people who don’t even know what the word means.”

Um,,,,, this means what exactly? mag·ic ˈmajik/ noun noun: magic 1 1. 
the power of apparently influencing the course of events by using mysterious or supernatural forces.

So far, everything has been supernatural. Please tell me, Jace, about your super speshul definition of magic that will totally be nothing like this definition.

“Magic is a dark and elemental force, not just a lot of sparkly wands and crystal balls and talking goldfish.”

Clary rightfully gets annoyed at him bc he’s been fucking ridiculous. Asking if some crazy angel knives were made by magic is nothing like asking about sparkly wands and crystal balls and flue powder whatever the hell else Jace wants to bitch about. Also, steles? Wands. Crystal balls will probably come up. Talking goldfish? Give it time. Jace gives a suberdumb comparison metaphor that I’m not even gonna type out. Clary tells Jace that’s he’s driveling, and I wish she’d go off like this more. Alec unexpectedly joins team Clary and tells her that they don’t do magic.

????????? What do you call your steles and runes, then??????????? They’re literally spells??????? Cassie has just come up with this random definition of magic that makes no sense and leaves a lot of other stuff undefined. If steles aren’t magic, what are they?????

Clary asks Jace to take her to her apartment and ohhhhhhh I get it. Alec is jealous bc he has a crush on Jace. Why, Alec?? You could do so much better!! And you will do better!!! Alec is my BFF rn bc I also have a crush on my straight best friend, rip me. It’s just gay culture. But Jace shouldn’t even be into Clary. They just met. Gag me with a spoon.

Jace admits that he wasn’t totally sure that Clary was a Shadowhunter before using the stele on her, but it seems like she would have died if he hadn’t done it, so idk. I’m mad, but I got bigger problems, you know what I’m saying?

CLARY SLAPS HIM. CLARY SLAPS HIM. CLARY SLAPS HIM.

(source: https://giphy.com/gifs/harry-potter-hermione-granger-draco-malfoy-okjBrdrg20LZu)

Go OFF. Okay, so Jace goes into “an angry silence”. Boo hoo. Clary feels guilty and I’m gonna slap HER bc no one needed a slap more than Jace. All he’s done so far is mock her and make her feel bad!! It isn’t Witty Banter or Flirting, it’s just rude AF. But I’m glad the narrative seems to realize that, at least a little. It still won’t stop Clary from falling in love with him, sigh.

Ohhhhhh noooo we get some of that “Clary isn’t like other girls!” bullshit:

Farther down the train, two teenage girls sitting on an orange bench seat were giggling together. The sort of girls Clary had never liked at St. Xavier’s, sporting pink jelly mules and fake tans. Clary wondered for a moment if they were laughing at her, before she realized with a start of surprise that they were looking at Jace.

Bc girls who like boys are always Sluts and Skanks who wear those ugly jelly mules and get *gasp* tans!! There’s nothing inherently wrong with giggling or wearing fashionable shoes (were these fashionable in 2007? I was but a child then) or getting fake tans. But Cassie is doing this to show us that these are the stereotypical girls, and stereotypical girls are annoying and boy-crazy and not to be trusted. Clary is short, remember? She’s Not Like Other Girls.

Also, what is the deal with Jace? I’m legit confused. I’ve never seen a man so attractive that I had to stop and giggle out loud with my friends. We might whisper or text about it, but boys, contrary to popular belief, don’t send girls into tailspins. And if a boy does? There’s nothing wrong with the girl. She’s not dumb for giggling!!!

Ohhh boy.

She remembered the girl in the coffee shop who had been staring at Simon. Girls always got that look on their faces when they thought someone was cute.

Always. We always get that look on our faces when we see someone attractive. Does CC realize that girls are not a homogenous group? And remember, Clary’s not putting herself in the group of girls. She’s too special for that look. That’s for the airhead girls. (This is why it’s totally possible for CC to write Anti-Semitic crap, btw. Bc as we see here, she also writes sexist crap.)

Clary angsts for a little bit about how Jace’s looks are so different from Alec’s “cameo looks” (???) and then daydreams about Jace’s eyes. They have some dumb banter about the girls. Jace explains about Alec being his parabatai which is just a fancy term for fighting partners. I WANT CLARY AND ISABELLE TO BE PARABATAI but these books are sexist so I doubt it but OMG YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS MY SHIP NOW. BC IT’S THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT CC WANTS AND I DON’T CARE!!!!

*Happy sigh* (this video warmed my cold bisexual heart)

Okay. Back to business. Jace says that the Lightwoods are his adopted family, and they get to her apartment. Jace pulls out the Sensor and explains that it senses demons/demon energy. Who designs these? Why is it the only thing we’ve seen so far that merges magic and tech? Is Elba all a merge of magic and tech? If Shadowhunters can merge magic and tech, why do they use such archaic weapons? Who designs the magical technology? I have so many questions and I’m sure approximately none of them will be answered.

They go into the apartment and all the furniture has been removed. Everything’s weirdly cold, and when she tries to go into her room, the door punches her or something. It’s a little unclear. There’s a giant in the apartment!! Jace tries to fight the giant and rushes Clary out of the apartment. They very cleverly shut the front door, and the giant bangs right through it. Jace falls down the stairs fighting it and breaks his arm, so I guess it’s time for some poorly written hurt/comfort. Also, the seraph blades are disposable??? And you have to name them before using them, and I’m not sure where these names are coming from. Like, you name it, and then a blade bursts out of a hollow tube. I’m honestly imaging these:

Ugh, AP Bio labs were the WORST. Jace tells Clary not to watch bc she’s a child I guess and kills the giant. Then he draws a rune on his skin that heals him, so I stand corrected on the hurt/comfort front. Clary has a random memory of her mother being covered in faded scars that look like Jace’s faded rune, and, even knowing what she does now about glamor and magic shit, goes “oh, but that’s not really what her back looked like.”

I think Clary might actually be really dumb?

Clary’s also fucking shocked that Jace’s arm is healed and it’s just. She knows about runes. She knows about demons and giants and people who are half angel, and this still gets her?

It turns out that the guy isn’t actually a giant, just a former person who was drawn on with a stele. Now he’s one of the Nine Riders, in thrall to a ring…ahem. Forsaken are controlled by the ppl who drew on them with their magic sharpies. Jace starts to go upstairs to check for more, and Madame Dorothea pops out like: “There are more where that came from!” Umm. It’s a pretty small apartment, no? I feel like they already checked everywhere.

Jace gets really confused bc even though he explained to Clary that witches are mundanes who can do some magic not a single chapter ago, he still doesn’t understand how Madame Dorothea knows anything. Dory gets dramatic about the Clave, which I appreciate. They suck. Then Dory tells Clary to forget about her mom, and Clary understandably freaks out. Dory’s all, I’m not getting involved, hun. But then Jace threatens her with the Silent Brothers, and she invites them in. She also drops Jace’s real name, Wayland, and Jace is like, Yo wtf.

Anyway, they go in. The end.

[amplesalty]

Halloween 2021 - Day 2 - 28 Weeks Later (2007)

More like 49 weeks later!

...get it? Because it’s been 49 weeks since I saw the first one? No? Fine...

Science fiction and horror films are frequently interpreted as allegories of specific realities, their fantastic and supernatural elements seen as symptoms of social and political malaise. The paranoia generated by loved ones taken over by a co-opting entity or ideo…wait a minute, this sounds familiar.

I wasn’t in any great rush to see the sequel after watching 28 Days Later last year but after seeing the Monster Madness video and all the hubbub surrounding it, it kinda put me in the mood. Released some five years after the original, Danny Boyle handed off directing duties to Juan Carlos Fresnadillo which seems like a relatively obscure choice, he doesn’t really have many credits to his name either before or since this movie. But apparently Boyle really liked his 2001 movie Intacto so he was brought on board.

As the name might suggest, the movie takes place 28 weeks after the initial outbreak of the rage virus. In that time the infected have all starved to death and an American lead NATO operation have swept in in order to try and restore some form of order. Is it weird that I kind of want to see that movie without any of the horror themes or dramatic twists attached? You’ve got this entire country that’s had it’s population wiped out barring the odd survivor who’ve managed to board themselves up for months on end, I just think that’d be kinda cool to see a movie or a series exploring the process of getting everything up and running again. You have to re-establish all the infrastructure, install a new government, bring back some kind of population. And how would you do that? Do you entice all the ex-pats to go back? Get some of your own people to move over? Would everyone chip in and send some small fraction of their own population for like 5-10 years in order to get things going again? It’s kinda like that initial part of Endgame that was just dealing with the aftermath of the snap, you’ve kinda abruptly shifted tone and genre to go into this look at how everyone coped with having 50% of the worlds population vanished in an instance. That kinda threw me at the time as I was expecting it to jump straight into the action again but I was into that insight into how the world moved on and how people coped, it was interesting to see Steve Rogers away from being the ass kicking machine and running some form of support group.

There is a prologue before we truly kick into the 28 weeks later portion of the film where we find Robert Carlyle and a bunch of other survivors shacked up in a nice old couple’s cottage until a little boy comes along looking for shelter. Unfortunately he brought a bunch of the infected with him who promptly burst through the windows and slaughter nearly everyone inside. Carlyle manages to make his escape but absolutely ditches his wife along the way when she gets cornered. Dude, that’s cold.

Only, you don’t actually see her get attacked so it’s fairly obvious that something’s up. They did something similar in Zombieland 2 where Columbus’ girlfriend is seemingly infected and Columbus is meant to put her out of her misery but you never see it happen so I figured she’d come back again.

So she ends up being this sort of shadow hanging over the film, you’re just waiting for her to show up again so it kinda feels like things aren’t truly going to get going until she re-emerges. It’s not as if it’s just left at her ‘death’ scene and she’s going to pop up out of the blue later, the movie makes sure you aren’t forgetting about her with Carlyle telling his kids who have been flown back from Spain about her demise. Plus she pops up in little flashbacks or nightmares.

Carlyle is a little sneaky here too as, the way he tells the story, he tried to save her but couldn’t do anything. Not how I remember it, mate. Maybe it’s his own coping mechanism, some form of denial in his own head or a way to soften the blow for his kids but the lie only further serves to detract from any sympathy we might feel for him. He’s not a bad guy or anything but it’s a neat little quirk to have this level of flaw in one of your protagonists.

Not that he lasts too long in that role however, when she eventually does re-emerge and the two re-unite, we learn that she has some level of immunity from the rage virus and seems to have something of a ‘half-zombie’. When the two kiss, the rage spreads to him and he promptly freaks the fuck out and batters her half to death before gouging her eyes out. Jesus Christ! Pretty brutal stuff.

I think brutal is the word of the day here between that scene and a later one in which a bunch of survivors are shuttled into and locked in an indoor car park by the military as part of lockdown procedures. Only, infected Carlyle breaks in and promptly starts laying waste to everyone. There’s a very creepy vibe with lots of slow mo, zoomed in shots of bloodied infected, set to a soundtrack of people screaming as they trample over one another in the panic.

It’s not much better when they get outside though since the military have snipers stationed on several of the nearby buildings and, after trying to pick off the infected, are soon told to open fire on everyone and just start indiscriminately killing everyone in an effort to stop the spread of the infection. Amongst their number is Doyle, played by Jeremy Renner. Clearly a good choice for a sniper, I guess he always was a hawkeye.

Only, his conscious gets the better of him and he promptly abandons his post and helps a ragtag group of survivors to try and get out of the city. Not exactly being led by men with sober minds and sympathetic hearts when they ask you to turn your crosshairs on the innocent. Who he is being led by is Idris Elba who seems to be putting some of the Stringer Bell type American accent training to good use. Or, at least he would be if he had anything of note to say in this film. At most he just seems to spend his time looking stern and giving out orders of escalating panic stations. Bit of a shame really as his name did stand out amongst the credits.  I suppose this is still relatively early in his career so he’s not quite at the level of landing those meaty roles just yet. Some might argue he’s not even peaked yet, not until next year at least when he is set to reach the pinnacle of his career in the Sonic sequel as Knuckles.

Doyle and his band of survivors include Carlyle’s kids who one of the American medical team suggest might share some form of immunity like their movie and could be the key to some sort of vaccine or cure. But, they all have to work quickly to try and escape because Doyle learns from one of his buddies that the army is due to firebomb the city in order to exterimate the virus again.

Bloody hell, do you think Boris has this as the nuclear option in his Winter plan for Covid this year?

It’s these type of scenes that really underline the direction this movie takes, shedding the more human story in favour of a more action packed affair. Which, for what it’s trying to do, I think it works.

Mainly because I do appreciate the mad lads doing a scene in which a helicopter is weaponized by tilting forward in order to use its rotor blades to mulch the hordes. That was clearly always the best way to try and kill someone in GTA Online. Nice to see someone embrace the use of rotor blade decapitation in cinema after John Landis nearly ruined it forever.

Ending is a little bit of a mixed bag though. Whilst on the surface we do get the kids making it to safety, we do have the added stinger of them seemingly causing the virus to spread to France and presumably leading to the total destruction of the nation. So, whilst it does render the preceding 90 minutes kind of pointless, we did manage to stick it to the French even after we’d already been wiped out ourselves and took them down with us so swings and roundabounts...

We’re some 14 years on from the release of this movie and there’s still no sign of the next sequel. Maybe they’re just really taking their time to make sure they’re only working with the best possible ideas. I mean, they’ve kind of written themselves into a corner with the naming scheme they have going on, there’s only so many of these you can realistically do. You’ve got 28 Months Later and then 28 Years Later. Are you going to do 28 Centures Later after that? The rage virus springs up on some Earthy colony on the planet Neptune?

[praphit]

My white daddy is back!

　 My white daddy is back!

Everybody knows that I've been raised by many dads:

Idris Elba

Denzel

Chappelle

Prince

but Liam is the dad that stands out for one basic reason...

He kicks the most ass! Or at least he used to... it has been a while since he made a decent action flick. Perhaps "The Grey" was the last one; that was about six years ago or so, and he didn't even mean to make that movie - he did some shrooms and ended up beating up wolves in the snow in the middle of no where; that's how bad ass he was! But, that was a long time ago, unless you count "Nut Job" ( Liam Neeson beating the hell out of animated squirrels), it's been a while.

But, strangely, Liam got out of shape (not shaming him... just sayin). He made movies like "Run all night", where he couldn't run for more than a minute without collapsing on the ground. And movies like "Taken 3" - where he got took by some Popeyes chicken in his trailer. Seriously, he wasn't even in that movie, it was all CG.

THEN he got real thin... too thin, to the point where somebody actually kidnapped Liam Neeson (in "Silence")! He survived that nonsense and starting playing old man roles.

Oh, but Liam got his feelings hurt when he saw that he wasn't even an honorable mention in my "Top 10 Bad Asses of the Year (2017)". He quickly got on the phone with the people from "Non Stop" (a movie in which he beat up a plane), and said " Dammit, I need to make my black, praphitic son proud again! Find me some train to beat up, I'm getting back in the game!" - but he said it all Irishy like he does. And that brings us here! My white daddy is back!

- and this time he's on a train.

But, he can't just go around pistol-whipping random people on a train; you've gotta have some plot! a role to play! He plays an insurnace agent in this movie. Of course this particular insurance agent has mad fighting skills - he is an ex-super cop!

I love the idea of Liam Neeson selling insurance. Think about "Liam Neeson Insurance"... nobody would ever dare mess with you. From Neeson bumper stickers (dent in the car equals a dent in yo ass) to Neeson signs outside of homes ("This home is protected by a very particular set of skills"). So! - we've got that bad ass insurance selling character. Let's talk plot!

Vera Farmiga! I love this woman!

 "Bates Motel" - playing a crazy mom. And "The Conjuring" - playing a religious woman who beats up demons and ghosts! I've always had a thing for crazy women; especially crazy, spiritual ladies... not ones who threaten that God will getcha if you don't send them money (*coughpaulawhitecough*) , but the ones confident in what they believe... punching the air as they pray... all that passion! Now, if Vera were combing that crazy with the spiritual... WHEW!

But, Vera is going a differnt route here. She's playing the mastermind of this fine picture. She asks Liam if he wants to play a game. Okay, so mistake number one - never agree to play any game a stranger asks you to play; it NEVER ends well.

Now, all she wants Liam to do is find the perp - WHO DUN DONE IT??! - plus, if you guess right, you win 100 grand! Tempting right??! I'll be honest, for 25 grand I'd push somebody off of a train, for 100... mmm!. No, no... I think I'm kidding - though my debt isn't going to go away on its own. That's the next Liam Neeson movie, "LIAM VS MY DEBT" - that would be the lamest action movie of all time... but maybe not with the right intense music and explosions in the background.

He already spends so much time on the phone in his movies

-  just take the time to make one more call to my debt collectors. Plus, it'd be some wealthy man helping out some poor black person... the Academy eats that stuff up!

Now, we're off to play this game through the eyes of Liam Neeson. Who's on this train? : black person (suspcious), Muslim (suspicious)... lesbians making out in that corner (surprisingly NOT suspicious, but I'm gonna keep my eyes on them anyway:), teenagers (yuck)... that woman over there looks like she may be from one of those "shithole" countries.

There's way too many suspicious types to choose - and that's why the set up for this movie is so good. I love the mystery of it all. Liam takes his time before he gets to the ass whupins.

BUT - as y'all might have seen from the trailer, when he does get to the ass whupins, they are exceedingly ridiclous: train cars exploding, 65 year old Liam flying through the air from exploding train car to exploding train car, knife fights with multiple attackers (in video game fashion), and things exploding... for really no reason at all other than the fact that this is an action movie. Or maybe objects are being smart to self-destruct before Liam Neeson has a chance to get near them.

The movie quickly (maybe 30 mins in) goes from a Hitchcockish mystery to a typical action flick. There are two ways to view this movie: #1 "Liam Neeson is 65 years old... give me a break!" or #2 - Enjoy it! "Liam Neeson has still got it! even is his 60's!" 　

It has got all of the bs that typical action flicks have: bad dialogue, super human action, a mind numbing plot (which I'll talk about in a sec). But, it's still a solid Liam Neeson film. I mean... he's Liam frickin Neeson! He ain't Tom Hanks!

Now, if Tom Hanks went from charming, lovable Tom to pistol-whipping, fighting on top of a train Tom... I'd be like "What the hell??!" But. it'd be odd if Liam DIDN'T get in at least one knife fight during transit. People love to test the best. I for one am rolling with perspective #2.

Now, that plot... people, this is one of the most needlessly convoluted plots you'll ever experience. We've all had someone in charge command us to do something that seemed stupid. Maybe you asked about this task, and after the person in charge explains your task... it's somehow more stupid than before - that's the plot in this movie. My woman Vera needs to stick with being crazy and religious, cuz scheming... ain't really her thing. I don't want to spoil anything, but the whole movie could have been over in the first scene; just let Liam Neeson do what he does and everyone could go home safe and happy! Kudos to Liam! He has still got it!

I remember when Liam Neeson took me out for ice cream. I had ordered extra sprinkles because they make me happy. But, on this day, the poor soul behind the counter forgot to give me extra sprinkles. Liam Neeson, with one hand was reaching over the counter to get my extra sprinkles and with the other hand, was breaking the arm of the dude behind the counter... then Liam threw him through a window... the glass didn't even shatter. At 65, Liam has perfected the throw-a-person-through-glass-thing... he got his point across without hurting anyone else. Are y'all understanding this??! - IT DID'NT EVEN SHATTER! This happened only last month. I'll say it one more time - HE HAS STILL GOT IT!

It's a shame that Liam was brought down by Vera's overcomplicated game. Anyway, while I'll take points off for that huge blunder, it's still an entertaining flick, and it does my heart well to know that my white daddy truly is back. 　 Grade: B

Look at him down there... on his way to beat more ass - just another day.

[smokeybrandreviews]

Smokey brand Movie Reviews: Subtext

So i saw Cats. I had to know if it really was as bad as everyone says. It is. It’s terrible. It’s literally one of the worst films i have have ever seen but for different reasons than publicized. I plan to describe every short coming this film proudly presents, at length. Before we get into why it’s so goddamn awful, there are certain things that deserve recognition.

The Good

Cats is kind of ambitious. I like that they decided to build actual sets to scale. There is a sense of realness to this world and you have to this movie that i didn’t expect.

The actual effects on the cats, themselves, are pretty legit once you get outside of that uncanny valley. Like, the process to create those fur suits was ridiculous. It’s every bit as impressive as what Cameron did with Avatar. The theory of those cats i mean.

Francesca Hayward is pretty dope in this. She’s a great singer, brilliant dancer, and absolutely gorgeous. If this were a play, it would have been dope. If they would have used actual makeup and sh*t, it wold have been dope. choosing the way they decoded to present this sh*t? A waste. This was a waste of Francesca’s talent.

Jennifer Hudson singing Memory was f*cking incredible. I’m told the version she sang on one of those reality talent shows was much better, so i googled it, and it was. So much better. Still, the one they decided to film was decent. Hudson is one of the best singers of her generation and Memory has ample opportunity to belt out them emotional notes.

You can tell Tom Hooper had a passion for this material. Like, he wanted to make this grandiose film based on the garish play. That’s going to come back to bite him in the ass overall, but it’s nice to see a director making something that the actually loves.

The Bad

Literally everything else. his entire film is, quite literally, one of the worst films i have ever seen in my entire life. There is just SO much wrong with this thing. So goddamn much. Every decision made during this production was wrong and it’s kind of amazing.

First and foremost, why the f*ck did they choose to portray the Cats the way that did? These things are HIDEOUS! I mean, uncanny valley, for sure, but i’ve seen enough films and played enough games not to be unnerved by bad graphics. But this? this sh*t is so much more than that. These little cat people things are unforgivably odious in so many ways. I’m not going to get into the way they have people hands or can’t decide to be bipedal or how ridiculous they look on all fours. No, my thing is the way the faces are integrated into the fur suit. That’s not makeup. It’s legit CG. They tried to emulate the Cats Broadway makeup in a more realistic way and it misses the mark by a long shot. They’re gross. Gross and weird. Your main characters are gross and weird to look at.

Bro, these cats are constantly f*cking Like, all of the time. It’s not outright but you can tell they are constantly making with the coitus, figuratively. I’m pretty sure there’s a catnip fuels orgy there toward the end? Middle? i don’t know. I thought maybe it was just, you know, Hooper being cheeky in the beginning but then Jason Derulo, f*cking Rum Tum Tugger, shows up and just simulates the f*ck while Rebel Wilson cat, quite literally, makes overtly objectifying about Tugger’s tugger. It’s gross and weird.

Everything is washed in neon lights and i don’t understand why. The majority of this film supposed to take place at night so it make sense that there would be neon signs and everything but. even indoors, during that big Taylor Swift number, fluorescent neon lights. It’s unnerving and grates on the eyes, man. You put in all this work to create these detailed sets and thing but then immediately erased the detail by saturating it in artificial, scathingly colored, light? Really, dude?

There is no substance to this film. There is no character growth, no pathos, no stakes. Nothing. It’s a bunch of dance numbers introducing a bunch of asshole cats, looking to be ritually murdered. That’s it. That’s the entire plot. One cat wants to be murdered more than all the others so he’s kidnapping the competition to be the only option left for sacrifice. That’s stupid when you hear it like that, right? Because it is. Cats is stupid. Giving it that big budget, Hollywood Oscar bait treatment doesn’t change any of that stupid. The play Cats is fundamentally retarded so how could the movie version not be? I hate films that never grow, that never have resolution but this sh*t doesn’t even have anything to resolve. It’s a literal waste of time and my time is actually valuable.

Im not going to get into the many, many, MANY plot contrivances because then i’d have to actually think about this movie instead of just referencing the notes i already took down. I did the work beforehand and i do not want to revisit this feline hellscape any time ever. That said, nothing makes f*cking sense in this move. There are Jellical cats, magic cats, gangster cats, thief cats; it’s all over the place. Motherf*ckers are in cahoots with the main villain cat and when the does a villainous thing, they are all, “ We didn’t know he was a villain.” Really? Magic cat is magic but literally doesn’t us it until the plot absolutely demands it making that use that cat the definition of deus ex machina. Like, they’re not even clever about it. It’s actually insulting how blatant it is.

Interesting enough, outside of Memory, the music in this musical is forgettable. I can’t name one song from this thing that sticks with me. I still remember the first few lines to the opening song of Sweeney Todd. I can sing to you the colors of the wind. Hakuna Matata means no worries. I can show you the world. We’re of to see the wizard. I bet you know those songs. Bet you don’t even know the original track Swift and Webber wrote for this fart of a film.

The writing in this thing is f*cking putrid, man. The source material is sh*t and i didn’t expect anything great from an adaption but this? I expected more than this. Nothing makes sense. The dialogue is, one could say stylized but i’d say it’s dumb. This sh*t is dumb. Nothing feels organic, especially at the end. That whole situation with Judi Dench accepting Francesca James into her little weird stray cat cult was all cringe, no love. Everything said in this ridiculous movie is cringe. It’s just a goddamn cringefest! Seriously, the writing in this “movie’ is about as good as the writing in a Michael Bay flick. It’s that bad.

This movie has some of the most uninspired camera work i have ever seen in my entire life. It’s shot like a play; A single camera, centered on the shot, with no dynamism at all. There’s no pans or strafe or anything of that nature which works if you’re filming a play but this ain’t a play. It’s a film. Take Sweeney Todd for example. That’s how you make a film musical. West Side Story is another decent example. F*ck, that one movie with Gosling and Stone, La La Land? Yeah, even THAT one was shot dynamically. it was shot like a f*cking film. An even better example? the Les Miserables example. That Hooper, himself, shot! You did this once before and got Oscar for it. The f*ck happened? Yu forget hoe to make movies or something?

While i’m on Hooper, the f*ck kind of direction is any of this? It’s terrible! All of these performances, outside of Jason Derulo who was truly awful but brought a very refreshing energy to his nonsense, were uninspired. Like, they all just kind of went through the motions, you know? tom Hooper had been trying to get this film made for years and THIS was what he was able to muster? With THAT cast? are you f*cking serious??

Now, i lauded Francesca Hayward in her performance as Victoria, and that is legitimate praise, but everyone else in this thing is sh*t. Like, James as spectacular in her role, but her role is sh*t. That’s the ebb and flow of this movie. One thing is decent, but it’s mired in sh*t. James is gorgeous in real life and you see a bit of that in Victoria’s face but Victoria is a computer generated monstrosity and this movie insists upon reminding you of that every time she does anything with her face It’s weird and gross, man.

Speaking of probably brilliant performances mired by the outright sh*ttiness of the visual aesthetic in this clusterf*ck masquerading as cinema, i’m pretty sure Rebel Wilson has a beautiful voice. I wouldn’t know for sure because they limited her character to kind of a terrible lounge lizard set piece full of cockroaches and baby mice. I got a whole eyeful of her cat puss though. Thanks for that, assholes.

Another anecdotal performance that it thought might have been really good belonged to Idris Elba but i think his shortcoming had more to do with the character writing that screen time. Elba is almost always brilliant in any role he accepts and dude is musically incline, Elba was once a DJ and raps wonderfully if you didn’t know, so i can see them throwing a hip-hop curve to Macavity that could have worked if approached with respectful aplomb. Nope. This motherf*cker is a campy goober in a fur coat and a derby. Macavity is the main villain if this entire bullsh*t and i’m supposed to be afraid of him when he looks like a brown, nude, 70s style pimp with cat ears? For Real?

Jame Corden is the goddamn worst. That’s it. That’s the grievance. James Corden is the goddamn worst.

Why was Jason Derulo in this? He’s a singer, not a film actor, which is easier than being a theater actor. Dude just acts like he’s in a music video. Like, i’m watching his little set pieces or whatever and all i see is 90s Usher, dancing to My Way or some sh*t.

Why was Taylor Swift in this movie? I mean, i know why. They promised her a chance to win win an Oscar with an original song, that’s why. Hooper thought this thing was going to sweep the Oscars but this it sh*t the bed in theaters. it probably should have sh*t Swift out before production, though. She’s kind of awful.

And then there’s the two most egregious offenses in this entire film; The casting of Dame Judi Dench and Sir Ian McKellen. These are Actors. They are Oscar caliber talent, Dench winning several while McKellen being nominated twice. Both of these individuals have a background IN theater. Hell, Dame Dench was cast as Girsabella in the original 80s run but had to drop out due to injury! They live this life! How are they so goddamn awful in this movie??

The Verdict

I said this in the beginning but Cats is one of the worst films i have ever seen in my entire f*cking life. I feel like there were more decent performances in this thing, Idris Elba was probably fantastic, bit the material the had to perform and the god-awful cat effects just wash over anything these actors can possibly do. Who is this for? Why are all of these cats so f*cking horny? What was the point of this aimless journey Hooper took us on? There are no answer for anything, which is hilarious, because this movie asks no questions. It asks nothing of the audience. It just kind of happens to you. I reference the writing being as terrible as a Michael Bay film but Cats IS a Michael Bay film. If you replace the dance numbers with explosions or creepy shots of Francesca Hayward’s butt, and it’s Revenge of the Fallen. Straight up Bayhem in a fur suit.

Cats is vapid, superficial, and insists upon itself. This movie thinks it’s more than what it is and believes it should be recognized when, in reality, it’s lowest common denominator film making and should be forgotten. This thing was constructed to swoon over the Academy but it ends up grossing out the audience. Cats is hollow and a waste of time while being one of the most visually revolting experiences i have ever had the displeasure of enduring. Do not watch this film unless you want to be angry you wasted damn near two hours of your time. Also, it’s ugly.