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kawaakari-orchestra · 5 months ago

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KWKO announcement: story progress, voting, birthday announcements and more!

Hi! Jay here.

I'm happy to say that, despite the recent lack of activity (as well as a bad flare up on my side and subsequent burn-out, but, you know, what happens, happens) I'm still working on writing the story! Mid-August deadline might be pushing it at this point because of all the difficulties, but hey, baby steps.

However...

Here's a topic to discuss: formatting. Yes, again.

Originally my idea was hosting everything as a literature for Toyhouse; however, I somewhat overestimated my prowess with HTML language (which is none, by the way). As a result the pages... Work, for the most part, but they're somewhat wonky depending on your screen resolution, and might not look exactly aesthetically pleasing if you're unlucky.

In addition, nothing works on the mobile yet. While I have some confidence I'm able to make the text, if for nothing else, readable at the cost of aesthetics, due to Toyhouse-specific code issues, I probably wouldn't be able to make it pleasant to read.

I'm predominantly a mobile user due to my disability and I consider everything being accessible from mobile to be an issue of accessibility. I was originally planning to bypass the issue with either a mobile accessible page (proven to be harder than I expected) or visual images gallery accessible from google drive (not accessible from screen readers). Now with Toyhouse being as unwieldy as it is, I'm wondering if just google drive is the way to go.

I'm still caught in the dilemma, but I also want to hear what other people have to say! This might just help me sort out my priorities. No results option. You fall for what you stand for. If you don't care, feel free to choose whatever.

Here's a list for pros and cons, if you're curious:

Toyhouse

• Easier navigation;

• Eventual character pages up and accessible from, ideally, all literature pieces;

• Will likely be google-able;

• Able to select and copy text, if that's your thing;

• Easier for me to fix typos and issues;

• More aesthetic and orderly in general;

- Likely not mobile accessible;

- Likely to break visually on some devices; majorly an issue of spacing;

- I'm just so bad at it to be honest.

Google docs

• Uniform format for everyone;

• More visual standardisation;

• More reliable as far as third-party storage goes;

• Downloadable to read offline!

- Very hard to navigate, if possible at all;

- Much harder for me personally to maintain;

- Not as private or anonymous for reading;

- No copying the text directly as those are just images fixed in place.

You don't need an account to use either of those, as far as I'm aware. What it'll be? (A pain for me to deal with, in any case. Why am I doing this to myself?)

Happy birthday, Kozaki Karin!

That's right! Today, on August 4th (in some timezones still), Kozaki Karin celebrates her birthday! 🎉

Let's wish her a good one!

We've received a shocking amount of fanart; I'll be reblogging it on here shortly after releasing the birthday menu lines! Thank you everyone!

Our next birthday party will occur on September 30th, this time for Kaedehara Akari! I'll make my priority to make information like this public ahead of time; I've learned my lesson.

Until next time!

- 🌻

#kwko #kawaakari orchestra #kwko ooc #kwko info post

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kidmachinate · 1 year ago

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The Burned Bridge

(This has been scheduled since July 31st to post if things go as predicted. Was right on target, therefore no reason to delete or edit this)

It must be nice to have zero responsibility. Zero accountability. Zero care for anyone for yourself unless there is some potential benefit for you and chances are, it is to help save you from something. Funny how your reintroduction after over a year of not communicating with me over something you did literally started like this.

"Sorry it took this long to reach out but I need your help."

You got it. You blew it. Time and time again.

Finding this would indicate putting in some sort of effort to use the internet outside of mobile games, political YouTube videos, and content based on the games played that you just get mad at. If I'm honest though, it's a reflection of fourteen whole months. Eight and half spent unemployed and sometimes couldn't even bother to either communicate, come with around the corner somewhere, and plenty else I'm not gonna put out there.

The worst part? Even if I torch this bridge less than two weeks from now, it doesn't mean I hate you...but there was more than bills at stake here. You knew this. You took it for granted til the very end. In fairness, I told you to have your cake and eat it too because your days are numbered. Thought maybe on principle you'd at least think of doing something different. Nope. It's fine by me. You could have been homeless. I prevented that. At what cost to me? At what cost to me and my partner who already have our own stuff to work out? Hearing daily about lack of action in multiple regards and that's without even getting into much more personal shit.

When and if you wonder why and how things got this way, I hope you find this post. Remember our conversations...which despite all you've done to tarnish this relationship, I still cared a bit to make sure you're on the right path. Gave you suggestions because you never seem to have a plan. Something that is gonna come up again before you leave and I'll help. Unless you refuse help, which I see happening due to shame. Maybe it's pride. Who knows? Once you're out, it's not up to me. It's up to you. Thing is, I'm not leaving the door open. Chances are, if things keep going this way, I'm torching the damn bridge. It's up to you.

You've got a lot to figure out. This could have been the easy path to success. After over a year of waiting, I simply can't any longer. Smear my name if you must. It will only work with people who don't know me. Everyone knows the simple truth. You did this to yourself and have no one but yourself to blame. I'm not sorry. This was never my choice. My choice was made taking a chance on you again after you blew it before. I'll never make that choice again. I won't even give myself the chance to. The last favor I'll do for you even after all this is not giving you a name, but anyone close to me you've tried to convince I'm the bad guy will know exactly who I'm talking about, and that's on you.

I've been through some romantic shit before. Sometimes even including housing scenarios in which I wasn't the problem but knew to take myself out of the equation to not make things awkward for everyone else. I can only count on one hand the scenarios that cut deeper than this. I took a chance that denied my parts of my happiness and some access to my best friend. Paint me as the villain of you need to because I'll never know about it. Any possibility of a comeback here is gonna require lots of effort, effort which has been proven countless times, you are not currently capable of and I'm not likely to care once you do. For your sake, I hope no one comes after you for the problems you're in denial and/or running from that go beyond anything we talked about that led to this point. Don't repeat this mistake with who you have left, if you haven't already burned those bridges as well.

In fairness, you didn't burn this one. You wanted to hold onto what we had while continuing to disrespect my partner and I in our own household. As a result, as you exit our home, I'm torching the bridge.

#burning bridges #financial abuse #taking advantage #figure it out #Spotify

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its-the-val-pal · 1 year ago

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This is long and entirely OOC, so I don't expect anyone to read! It's fairly personal, but I need to get thoughts out and all that. So feel free to bail <3 thanks for clicking either way and ily, whoever you are.

I am a very private person, normally. I keep to myself, my one or two contacts, and just sort of go about my business. But lately I've been told that, due to my overactive mind, it would probably help to toss my thoughts out somewhere and get things on paper. A confession, if you will. And I was also told that I don't have to send it; that people often write letters and burn them up and.. whatever.

But that doesn't suit me, because I don't like wasting time and I don't like doing things that--at least to me--don't have a purpose. And I can argue with myself that writing things down and out certainly has a purpose, but it doesn't feel like it unless it's actually thrown out somewhere.

That being said, I don't expect to do these often. Or maybe I'll post the rest privately or something. I'm not sure. I'll probably figure that out as I go. But this is, for now, a confession of something I've realized about myself.

I really, really started to think a lot of things I enjoyed were dumb. I hid myself away in work in the desire for progress and betterment and.. that's fine. All things in moderation. But I don't do moderation so well. And in that, in being surrounded by people that often thought my favorite hobbies were ignorant, I started to feel the same way about them. And so I did a lot of it less and less. And that, in turn, hurt a lot of people I really care about. People that I've alienated for one reason or another and lost sight of that close bond and friendship.

And.. lately, I think I've come to realize how much I miss those things. It's a big part of why I've returned. I had only unsubbed for about three months, but the truth is I've really been gone much longer than that. And that was disrespectful to a lot of people, chief of those being my RP partner at the time who for some reason stuck around far longer than they should have. And I'll never be able to apologize to them enough for it. Or probably get that back.

I've really enjoyed exploring my characters and writing again. And how much the use of mods, which I once abhorred, really helped breathe life back into characters in a game that the aesthetic just never seemed to match. Val never had cool jackets and pants like he should have. Melfice barely got dark clothing to wear. The rest were.. okay, but those two were always my main characters and not having something to fit them felt very limiting.

So yeah. All things in moderation, and I keep telling myself that, and I'm not entirely sure where Val's current story will take him or where he'll end up, but I am definitely looking forward to it. There are certainly places I'd like for it to go, but whether he ends up there or not is out of my hands. And if I'm being honest? I hate that, too. Lack of control is something I've always struggled with. I don't do well when I can't manage things myself. And while this arc has been great, I've found myself missing Miqo'te Val and all the RP and fun I used to have on him.

Will he ever get that back? Sure. I'll bring him back to a Miqo'te once this plot has ran its course, assuming he lives through it. I've always had a big "if my character dies, they die" thing and.. I'm not going to shy away from it. I don't mind. It's part of the fun for me, really. Will he ever find another? Or get over his lost love? Or even be able to move on? Or, gods willing, reunite with his one true love?

I suppose time will tell.

#OOC

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srhhrtmn21222 · 1 year ago

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Step 1 - Unmanageability

What does unmanageability mean to me?

Not being able to control being arrested and put on felony probation. And not being able to control how family and friends view me.

2. Have I ever been arrested or had legal trouble as a result of my addiction? Have I ever done anything I could have been arrested for if only I were caught? What have those been?

I was arrested after falling asleep while driving. Luckily, I hit a ditch and not another person. I would've been arrested on more occasions if I had been caught shoplifting. I've also sped and ran stop signs while using, to get to places faster so I could use again.

3. What trouble have I had at work or school because of my addiction?

There was times that I fell asleep on the toilet while at work due to being up all night. I also would smoke in the bathroom if I felt like I needed a fix and left my employees to deal with customers.

4. What trouble have I had with my family as a result of my addiction?

Luckily, most of my family knew I couldn't control my using and didn't hold it against me. But there was a few family members that didn't want anything to do with me until I got clean.

5. What trouble have I had with my friends as a result of my addiction?

Most of the friends I used to have no longer talk to me. The few that do were some that I used with in the past, but are clean now.

6. Do I insist on having my own way? What effect has my insistence had on my relationships?

I burned a lot of bridges by insisting on having my own way. Some people felt like I cared about nothing other than myself when I would act that way.

7. Do I consider the needs of others? What effect has my lack of consideration had on my relationships?

I rarely would consider what others needed. A lot of my friends cut me off because they felt like I know longer cared about them and what they needed in life.

8. Do I accept responsibility for my life and my actions? Am I able to carry out my daily responsibilities without becoming overwhelmed? How has this affected my life?

I accept that everything I've done in life were my own decisions; I have no one (and nothing) to blame but myself (and my addiction). I do occasionally become overwhelmed with my daily activities. I feel like I can't get as much done as I could when I was using.

9. Do I fall apart the minute things don't go according to plan? How has this affected my life?

Not necessarily the minute that things don't go right. But if things continue to go wrong, then I become overwhelmed and start to break down.

10. Do I treat every challenge as a personal insult? How has this affected my life?

When first getting clean, yes. I had a hard time trusting people because I felt like they were questioning me and challenging me at every turn. Now that I have more sobriety time, I feel like those who challenge me only do so to strengthen me.

11. Do I maintain a crisis mentality, responding to every situation with panic? How has this affected my life?

In the early days of recovery, yes. Most situations would cause me to get in a panic if I didn't know how to handle it. It caused me to want to avoid going out and doing anything because I was afraid of how it would cause me to respond.

12. Do I ignore signs that something may be seriously wrong with my health or with my children, thinking things will work out somehow? Describe.

I don't really have any signs in myself or Ranyra that would cause me to believe that there could be something medically wrong with either of us. However, I do believe that after 7 years of using, there is residual effects that I may not notice.

13. When in real danger, have I ever been either indifferent to that danger or somehow unable to protect myself as a result of my addiction? Describe.

There's only 1 situation I can remember. There was some teenagers that I used to hang out with and use with that had bought firearms illegally. One day when me and another buddy pulled up to their place, we were informed that just a few minutes prior, some of them had to rush to the ER because one of the boys that was there accidentally shot another boy in the stomach while they were goofing off. Luckily, the one that got shot made it through without too many serious life-long issues. However, I've always thought "that could've been me that got shot" if I had been there just shortly prior to when we got there. But while using, that possibility of danger didn't affect me or my decisions.

14. Have I ever harmed someone as a result of my addiction? Describe.

Intentionally, no. While using, I always maintained my desire to treat others the way I wanted to be treated. However, I know there is friends and family I emotionally harmed by my actions and choice of words while in active addiction.

15. Do I have temper tantrums or react to my feelings in other ways that lower my self-respect or sense of dignity? Describe.

While in active addiction, I did respond to my feelings in negative ways. I was a lot more irritable and didn't think of how it affected others, nor how it affected my self-respect and dignity.

16. Did I take drugs or act out on my addiction to change or suppress my feelings? What was I trying to change or suppress?

Originally, I started using to lose weight. But when I started dating (let's call him) Robert, I continued to use because of the abuse I received. I didn't know how to work through my emotions during this situation and used to avoid facing them. I also regularly would use to "fix" my mood when someone who make me mad/upset.

#NA #RecoveringAddict #NAWorkbook

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mintyvoid · 2 years ago

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so i bought and have now recived my anti planner, and while i imagine a bunch of the tools wont do anything- im hoping something helps. And ill try to speak up if anything does.

For some context i suppose if you dont regularly read my depressed rants, i was diagnosised autistic in 2020 but had been in therapy on and off since 2010 for anxiety and depression. I found a majority of resources not helpful or treading over ground ive already done years into- when I started researching 'okay so im autistic what the fuck do i do now, how do i get better'.

(I just keep ranting how shit doesnt seem to want to work for me below)

Most likely cause of all the years ive done work on myself, i am very self aware and quite good at communicating how im feeling. But found that none of the tools I learned helped long term or even enough to better my quality of life(now knowing this was because all those tools help people without a neuro disability, they simply were never going to work).

I've also found that a lot of the resources out there, include this book, are catered towards those with adhd, which while having a lot of simularities to autism- they are not the same. And though I had previously thought i was adhd, im like pretty sure this isnt the case(like in terms of a duo adhd n autism diag). So a lot of the stuff i end up finding /also/ doesn't work.

Though i cant reaally tell if its due to the autism or depression. A good example is the 'trick your brain' angle i see abundantly. To do things like 'set a timer to create a deadline or force panic' or similar time constrainted things simply dont work. I can feel incredible stress to complete something from a deadline or disappointed friend or angry manager and it do little to nothing to motivate me to do the actual thing. If i dont want to do something(or even if i want to do something but my brain for whatever reason doesnt let me), it doesnt happen- concequnce be damned.

I can break tasks into smaller chunks for days, but if i cant get up or move my arm to start said small task then it doesnt really matter does it? The one thing i can do is organize lol, but its the one thing that i see the most as advice- which is totally understandable as its not something taught so a majority would lack the skill. I was really lucky to seek help when i did and to then get actually good advice. It's probs been the only moment where help and support did actually help my quality of life.

Most likely I wont see any improvement in my life till I either go back therapy(actually find someone who can help someone like me, probs needs to be on meds again too) or can afford to create an environment thats supportive of my needs...or more than likely a combo of the two lol. Neither of which i see happening as both need money and i cant work nor get much from my disability program and cant work enough on online stuff to make that my income.

As an aside, i do know that many if not most, have it worse than i do. And i often feel that i simply cant complain about my own situation because im have a loving family that supports me as much as they can, im no where near homelessness, im not bipoc or a trans person, i could technically work but i would only be able to just work(aka id have to give up doing what i ant for a living and went to school for and actually am passionate about, and honestly typical work stresses and sucks so much energy out of me ugh id probs just burn out again n quit). I dont feel i can ask for money or support when there are others i feel need it way more than i do.

And i absolutely hate that what i have isnt enough, and that fact is also why i feel i cant vent. Srry this kinda went off the deep end.

#minty rambles #autism #vent #rant #srry this kinda escaped from me a bit

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degraman · 3 years ago

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Why Turkey become angry

Perhaps those of you who read all our posts noticed some changes.

We, or even me, the writer and the sprite artist of this game, want to clarify this point.

And to do that, we have to go back to the origins (not to the invention of tiramisu, but close). Namely, to the idea of creating a game. At first, the game was planned as a kind of adventure for six months, which will not greatly affect my work and life. Just a parody of the otomes that I've read.

I was young, naive and inexperienced. That's why I didn't build boundaries with both Degraman and the audience.

Due to the peculiarities of my character, I listened to everything that was written in all the social networks, listened to all the criticism.

The demanding part of the audience and my requests for the game grew every month. I fell into a circle of constant dissatisfaction with myself and Degraman. I wanted to make it better and better.

AND I WORKED, WORKED, WORKED. Completely forgetting about myself, my health and the world around me.

Degraman began to capture my heart, chopping off all other aspects of life with a greedy mouth.

We have never written about something really personal in social networks. It seemed inappropriate to our programmer, but I was just afraid to expose myself. I had heard a lot about the toxicity of the audience and therefore did not want to give a reason for trolling / bullying.

For this reason, we had our social networks as politely as possible all this time. And this led to the fact that I periodically left them when I could not remain friendly.

And that's why you didn't know that for the last six months before the release, I worked hating Degraman. Because I was burned out. I was tired of the negativity of dissatisfied people in social networks. Insanely tired of living this game alone. I was tired of working in the feeling that I'm deceiving people by constantly postponing the release.

Degraman became a pie that filled my whole mouth, not even letting me breathe.

And the apogee was the release in steam.

A release that, because of the fault of Steam, DID NOT WANT TO HAPPEN.

All the time that this was happening, I was constantly updating the release page, each time wishing that this four-times-cursed button to appear.

And already at some point I did not believe that it would appear.

Again feeling like I'm letting down everyone who was waiting for the release.

My nervous state was so high that I just couldn't sleep during these days. And I've been updating and updating this damn release page.

But the release did not bring relief either.

On the contrary, I felt even worse. After all, I finished this race, but dissatisfaction with myself only intensified. The strongest internal dissatisfaction clung to all the negative statements and flared up more and more.

After all, I was under the delusion that if I work hard, it will be appreciated. Therefore, I saw the problem precisely in the lack of effort.

I constantly asked myself - did I really not work enough, and therefore I continue to receive negative?

What I've already done wasn't enough? Were my sacrifices not enough?

Or was the problem with the Degraman itself?

Or is it me at all?

In such a heap of reflections, I got to the point that I wasted 3.5 years of my life, doing some bullshit. Which, as a result, brought neither satisfaction nor significant money.

All these years I could build a career and certainly not spoil my health.

And with this thought in mind, I abandoned the social networks again (and this time for a long time). Because I just couldn't be friendly and accepting.

I did not immediately understand what was the reason for my so strong nervous tension and inability to continue working.

And then I realized.

My so-hidden inconvenient personality traits were revealed wide open in a too personal Degraman.

Hypersensitive perception of reality, emotionality, excessive vulnerability.

My Achilles' heels, which I tried to hide from the audience for three years.

I have invested not only these traits of mine, but also everything else that makes up my personality.

I just opened myself up like a jar, gutting in the name of Degraman. Carrying everything that was written in it through myself and leaving myself in every aspect of the game.

And some part of the audience was not ready for such frankness - it just wanted another otome, the meaning of which should have been to spend a couple of evenings romancing of cute guys, and then forget it.

Instead of just fulfilling the minimal audience requests for the otome genre and avoiding all the slippery, trigger topics, I managed to neglect on these requests and run through most of the dangerous topics.

And I got a relevant reaction.

Someone, either not having received the mandatory genre minimum, or those who were triggered by dangerous topics, willingly devalued all my work and what I put into it.

And I just couldn't help but react to it, no matter what I did to myself.

Trying to accept such criticism and against the background of a lot of additional stress besides the game, I reached a nervous breakdown.

Now I realize that I simply could not accept this criticism - because it would mean that I was crossing out not only my hard work, but also my thoughts, my feelings, my worldview and attitude that I had invested in Degraman.

It is clear that with such attitude, it was impossible to continue making Degraman.

But the very idea that I should make an impersonal product was unbearable.

After all, I really loved Degraman, and I also didn't see the point of making standard games.

It was easier for me to decide that I was done with game development and game creation than accepting the need to adjust to the average player's requests.

And when I came to this soothing thought (namely, just forget Degraman and everything that happens around) - among the loud cries of discontent, I began to distinguish quiet voices.

The voices of the players who accepted my identity after seeing it between the lines of the game.

Those who were also afraid to show their painful susceptibility, but still, wrote to me. Because they wanted to support me by responding to a subconscious signal which was in Degraman.

It was these players who became the starting point in my work on myself. In the work on acceptance of myself and Degraman.

The response of the quiet players was so personal, so important - that it justified both my hard work and all the experiences I went through.

And this realization helped me to stop concentrating only on a handful of the loudest dissatisfied players and see the rest, loyal players. And the most important - their creativity.

It all helped me get rid of the stupid belief that a good job can't cause a negative reaction.

I finally realized that I was making Degraman not for making money, but for the sake of creative realization. And now I understand that I don't want to mix two sometimes completely incompatible goals.

I accepted Degraman. I love it and I am proud of my work.

And I will continue to work on it. I still have a lot of ideas and thoughts that I want to implement.

Degraman doesn't have to be liked by everyone.

And this realization untied my hands. And this applies not only to the game itself.

***

As we found out, I am an emotional and vulnerable person (and if I were different there would be no Degraman, lol).

That's why I can't help but react to the negative. (and how did you imagine it? That emotionality can be turned off? No, I don't have such a button, I'm not some kind of robot.)

These are the features of my personality that I held back too much until I had a nervous breakdown.

Of course, it would be possible to simply let someone to manage social networks.

But I don't want to do that - there are a lot of people who inspire me, support me and with whom I would like to communicate.

I'm pleased to work for them.

It would be extremely unfair to throw my favorites because of a small excessively toxic mass.

Therefore, I will lead social networks myself. The way I feel comfortable. Creating a warm and pleasant space primarily for myself and those who really love Degraman.

I'm not kicking anyone out and I'm not shutting anyone's mouth.

You can write whatever you want (within the law, of course).

But now I am free in my words and actions.

I am no longer afraid to expose myself by showing some of my reprehensible traits. I have already received a lot for Degraman.

Therefore, I will only ask you to be polite, pleasant, and then everyone will be nice and well :3

P.S. In no case do we consider anyone to blame for the current situation. Neither the audience deceived in expectations, nor us, who were not experienced enough to position ourselves correctly. It is what it is, we survived it and became smarter. Therefore, we do not hold a grudge against anyone)

P.P.S. Actually, I wanted to write a lot more. But the post would have been too long. And yet I will list what I did not mention in this article. Maybe some of these topics will interest you. I warn you right away, the topics are quite ambiguous and inflammatory.

Why I don't like unwanted criticism

Why do I consider the accusations of the Degraman's MC in stupidity is a manifestation of victimblaming and harassment of the most vulnerable and weak

Why do I consider the accusations of the Degraman's MC in sexuality is a slutshaming and discrimination by women against other women

Why does it annoy me so much to equate the demonstration of the problems of society and its individuals with their approval and romanticization

About creative ter** rizm (just in case I'll hide the word), its harm and danger to creative people

A witch hunt disguised as tolerance

#degraman

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scoups4lyfe · 2 years ago

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Hebi Anon

(I'm just gonna say this outright, Donbrothers bounced me right off starting with and after episode 14 and I had some problems before then. I just found what I considered problems too egregious to overlook anymore at that point. Infact thinking about those episodes still makes me mildly upset. Maybe seeing your opinions later on will change my mind?)

Taro isn't perfect, but for the most part he's being displayed as perfect nonetheless. He's the best fighter, the most experienced, does most of the heavy lifting in fights, has powers the others lack, outright says he brings good fortune to others, etc. Jin outright stating that "[Taro] is the solution to learn from" is currently one of the biggest examples of others describing him as a form of perfect and you will see other examples of Taro being put on the "perfect" pedestal. Now I fully understand that deconstructing the trope of "The Ace" is the point of Taro's story, but I don't like how it's being dealt with and I'll save that for when it comes up.

Though I suppose it's more accurate to say "exceptional vs unexceptional" instead of "perfect vs imperfect".

As for the lack of understanding. At least to me and at this point in the show, it feels like Taro doesn't just not understand but is ACTIVELY REFUSING to understand others. Take the lying for example. "I don't understand why people lie", it comes off (again, to me) like "why would anybody do something so obviously and objectively wrong" when he near daily experiences a reason why lying would benefit him in a small way: Rock, Paper, Scissors. His coworkers use the game to put some of the work off themselves and onto him. If he just doesn't answer "which are you going to choose" (which would not be telling a lie), he'd win and nobody would be hurt.

Another example would be his answer to Haruka and Saruhara's questions. Yes that is the truth (not knowing what's going on but acting because it needs to be done), but the tone comes off to me as "Why are you asking pointless questions? Just do it like I do. Why don't you understand that?". Unlike lying, this isn't a moral quandary, they're just trying to make sense of things, so why say something like that when a simple "I'm sorry I don't know either. I never asked why before. This is just something I've been doing" probably wouldn't have elicited the "try to understand other people better" response

I understand neurodivergency, I have bad ADHD myself and I think that I only started to understand the social aspect of life a few years ago. But there's still a difference between being incapable of understanding and refusing to understand (Me and a lot of my friends have been burned way too many times by neurotypical people getting angry at us asking what they think are obvious questions that we don't pick up the answers to due to being ND, so this gets a strong reaction out of me)

There's A LOT more I want to say, but to avoid spoilers I'll keep it until you reach those points in the show. If this is too negative for you, say so and I'll stop.

WOOHOO!!! I love long asks <333

Esp ones with differing opinions and takes; because discussion is so much fun for me to delve into LOL

So keep 'em coming homie, this isn't too negative for me at all lmaooo. You could demean my entire character and call me stupid and I'd be like "wow!!! Great discussion point---" hahhaahahaha.

It'll be interesting to hear about your takes as we continue, I'll surely write an essay/analysis on Donbrothers at some point, but I want to wait till like at LEAST episode 10

(I only wrote analysis for Revice after episode 10 enlightened the way I looked at the prior 9 episodes LOL)

No idea if anything I'll do or say will change the way you feel or think on a subject but :33

There IS one thing I'll say rn about Momoi and 'actively refusing to understand others'

(Quoting you, so I don't gotta keep scrollin up LOL): Take the lying for example. "I don't understand why people lie", it comes off (again, to me) like "why would anybody do something so obviously and objectively wrong" when he near daily experiences a reason why lying would benefit him in a small way: Rock, Paper, Scissors. His coworkers use the game to put some of the work off themselves and onto him. If he just doesn't answer "which are you going to choose" (which would not be telling a lie), he'd win and nobody would be hurt.

Hmmmmmm.

I think it's really easy to judge things by one's own standards in life. Its the reason why people who have never experienced things like mental illness, poverty, food restrictions, etc --- have such a trouble understanding WHY someone is the way that they are, or why they do or make certain actions.

The thing with Momoi is,,,,I don't think he's had anyone to challenge him

(I don't mean in fights)

having someone who is different from you, in thoughts and opinions, is truly one of the best ways to learn and grow. Because the other person challenges the way you think, they challenge your beliefs, and this helps create introspection (and like here, discussion) which is vital in development.

It seems that ever since he was young, his neurodivergency created too hostile an environment for this kind of growth to happen.

He literally has no connections (socially) in life except Jin (who's been JACKED) and his co-workers ---who actively take advantage of Momoi on the daily.

Momoi doesn't understand lying because he's never needed to lie. He's never lied himself. And so if he doesn't need to lie, why would anyone else?

Momoi also likes helping people ---so if someone's asking for his thoughts, he tells them. He doesn't realize the nuance of these situations. He doesn't see it, doesn't recognize it in the facial expressions, or in the way something he says changes the entire mood of the room.

And it's because of these things that he doesn't understand why he keeps losing. There's a lack of connection between 'answering a question' and 'the consequences the answer has'

Quoting you again: Another example would be his answer to Haruka and Saruhara's questions. Yes that is the truth (not knowing what's going on but acting because it needs to be done), but the tone comes off to me as "Why are you asking pointless questions? Just do it like I do. Why don't you understand that?". Unlike lying, this isn't a moral quandary, they're just trying to make sense of things, so why say something like that when a simple "I'm sorry I don't know either. I never asked why before. This is just something I've been doing" probably wouldn't have elicited the "try to understand other people better" response

I get what you're saying here homie :33

But Tarou isn't socialized (LOL)

"I'm sorry, I don't know either" <-- Momoi wouldn't understand why he would need to apologize if he didn't know the answer to something.

(As why would that be his fault?)

"I never asked why before. This is just something I've been doing." <--is an exploration behind your own thoughts and behaviors.

I genuinely do not think Momoi explores his thoughts and behaviors enough to be able to explain them to someone. "I just do this."

Imagine someone fluent in english. If a foreign friend who wants to learn english, asks them, 'Hey why do you say pink elephant, and not elephant pink? Why is it that a goose becomes geese but a moose doesn't become meese??"

If the english speaker didn't take courses teaching on how to teach english to someone else (especially a second language learner) the answer they would have 99% of the time would be: "Lol you just do it? ƪ(ツ)∫"

They don't have the ability to explain why they do something. Because its intuitive -- it's not something they think about.

And Momoi ---because of lack of social and community interaction and engagement --- 100% doesn't know how to explain the why. He's never known how to explain it. All he knows is how to state facts/what to instruct on the next thing to do.

He wouldn't even know why you would *need* to explain the reason behind something. If he knows what needs to be done, then why would you want to know the reason why?

A lot of people who are talented in a particular subject, often aren't good at explaining why they do a thing, or at explaining how to do it, to someone else. Animes often make fun of this --- like in Haikyuu when Hinata describes how to do things with sounds.

"You go krrrr and then BLAM! Got it?"

Everyone else: ..................................w o t

This is why asking someone why they do something if they learned it intuitively is really quite pointless because nearly every time the answer is:

ƪ(ツ)∫

...

This is why I got so "AHHhhHHhhHHHh" When Haruka and Haiku tell Momoi he needed to understand people better, because he doesn't even know how to do that?

And because of this it makes him feel more isolated and othered. Momoi already thinks something's "not good" about him, and their responses really just confirm it. Because in him 'needing to understand people better' it just tells Momoi that he doesn't understand people ---that something about him is broken, or wrong, or Not Good and because of this he lacks this "understanding."

He lacks being a part of "people."

That's why I said the next shot was interesting because it looked like Momoi was at a confessional. Like he was a sinner confessing his sins to some omnipotent God.

Doubly interesting, seeing as the people he's "confessing" to are Haruka and Haiku who immediately condemn his lack of understanding.

Momoi isn't refusing to understand, he never learned how -- no one taught him, or told him, and he doesn't even know how to state what he doesn't know. Unlike everything else, understanding is something he can't learn intuitively. He doesn't even know how to ask: 'How do I understand people better?"

And because of this he sees himself seated in the place of a "sinner." In the place of someone who confesses what he knows. Who confesses his truth, only to be condemned for it. Everyone else are the omnipotent God ---they know what he doesn't, they understand --- something he clearly lacks, and because of this he'll always be lesser than them.

He'll always be "Not Good."

(Really funny homie as we reacted to this scene very strongly because of the same principle but on two totally separate ends LOL)

You're upset and frustrated because you read this scene as Momoi being a CHAD and condemning Haruka and Haiku for asking pointless questions instead of "just doing it."

I was upset and frustrated (taking much psychic damage) because I read this scene as Haruka and Haiku condemning Momoi for what they think are obvious questions that he should be asking, what they think/believe are obvious and socially universal things --when Momoi doesn't even pick up on the questions. When he doesn't even realize he should be asking them.

He only picks up on the facts. And his fact, is that he doesn't have all the answers, and just knows what he needs to do/what needs to be done.

That was his confession.

And he was condemned for it.

#anyways I get exactly where you're coming from #Momoi is just a simple guy #no self introspection #no social understanding whatsoever #no connection between actions in the moment and the 'effects' or consequences caused by them #He doesn't know about tone or how to monitor himself or the mood in a room #he doesn't have the foundation to ask questions or to understand #He does because that's the only thing he CAN do #my thougts #avataro sentai donbrothers #donbrothers liveblog #donbrothers #before harvesting season #6 peach falls #who let delivery boy bring a parade float to a gun fight #hebi anon 🫡🤝💋#asks #sentaisouped

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p4ntry-d3m0n · 4 years ago

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Hey you probably don't know me well, and have only seen me when @coffee-and-calendars has made a post, cus I follow vem for another fandom, and actually don't really care for six, but somehow one of your posts popped up in my recommend as a result SO

About the burning feeling you're having in your heart, if you're wondering if it's actually serious, well, at least from my experience you should be fine. Nights where I've had to stay up late working for school, or I can't sleep because, of some other random fucking reason because I have a hard time sometimes, I've had a very similar pain, BUT

Don't take this as I'm your doctor, and I'm saying it's all fine and dandy, I'm also not saying something is obviously wrong

but I've never felt a burning and squeezing, mine is mostly just a discomfort and if on certain occasions, shortness of breath, but once I sleep a bit, it usually wears off

It doesn't help heart attack symptoms are very different for men and women, so I can't really speak for someone who is female, as I'm not myself.

So heres what I reccomend.

See if it keeps persisting after a long period of time.

Lay off the coffee for a bit of time (it's probably for the best) too much caffeine can hurt your heart within itself, so that might not be helping for sure.

Like I said, I'm no doctor, don't take my word for it, but it's not like going to get yourself checked out because of the pandemic.

But, I'm speaking from the similarities and differences of my experiences.

I don't mean to worry you, I don't mean to make it seem like everything is fine.

If you have any other questions, don't be afraid to shoot me a DM, hell, I'm always looking for new people to chat with if you ever need someone, I'm available!

Have a good rest of your day/night/whatever fucking time zone you're in 😂

Hello, it’s a pleasure to see you here!! While you’re right and I don’t know you that well, I have seen you and I do remember you!!

I don’t particularly think it could be something serious, although I haven’t completely ruled out the possibility either. I think it’s mostly just a combination of stress, lack of sleep, and some anxiety. I’m not 100% sure, but I’m assuming those are the best guesses I can make without making it seem too big of a deal. It’s also because at the time of when the burning and squeezing and shortness of breath started, I was under a lot of stress and panicking.

As for your recommendations, waiting it out to see if it persists is currently my plan just to see if it could just be due to stress, lack of sleep, and anxiety or something else.

And coffee is necessary, ‘tis my lifeline.

I’ll be sure to keep your offer in mind!!!

It’s currently morning, so yeah lol. And have a good day or night depending on your time zone too!!

#asks #sickkillerzach

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reroseshi · 5 years ago

Text

🦇Psychological Analysis of Diabolik Lovers❤:

Hi! I've decided for my first own Tumblr post that I should talk about the franchise that I have been a fan of for 6 years: Diabolik Lovers. After being in this fandom for so long I felt personally kinda cheap for me to just do a short funny post about DL

… sooo~~~ i've decided to share my personal psychological analysis on all the diaboys! Disclaimer:

1-My memory is quite short and trying to analyse 13 fictional mentally ill boys is quite tricky so please be easy on me.^^

2- English isn't my first language so there might be some mistakes so please pardon me for that!

3- I am currently still working on the Mukami's, the Tsukinami's and Kino so they aren't gonna be in this post!

4- I based myself on the manga and MAINLY HDB and MB for my analysis.

Thank you and have a good reading!^^~ <3

-Rero

Sakamaki's:________________________________

-Shu Sakamaki:

Shu is the first born and the heir of the Sakamaki family. Thus, whether he wants it or not, it was decided even before he was born that he will be the victim of a lot of pressure. That pressure to become worthy of being the heir not only came from both of his parents but the servants as well. He couldn’t be free for two seconds. He was obliged to stay inside the castle/mansion (sometimes in the garden with his mom) to study and train, but he wasn’t allowed to go somewhere else. As he lived in a strict environnement, he wasn't happy as a kid and wanted to escape from that life. Meeting Edgar gave him true happiness. He was his first real best friend and he eventually lost him in the flames of his village. Imagine the thing or person who made you discover true happiness burning in front of your own very eyes. You will most likely lose hope in making other close relationship with anything or anyone. That's how Shu is. A depressed, borderline suicidal man who doesn't have any hope anymore and thinks that it is all his fault. Refusing anyone close to him and empty on a daily basis, he uses music as a way to cope with everything. If you think that Shu is easier to love because "he is less harsh than the other brothers" then you are wrong. Shu doesn't want to be involved with anything or anyone. If you try to get close to him, then get ready to be hurt because he is a sadist like his brothers and can hurt you if he doesn't want you near him.

-Reiji Sakamaki:

(If you want a more detailed and a well done analysis, please go check this one:

Reiji was severely neglected as a child by both of his parents. He basically spent his entire childhood trying to get their attention or at least some recognition from them, especially his mom’s, but never got any or if he did it was to remind him that he should be a good younger/brother/servant/right-hand man for his older brother, the next heir of the Sakamaki family Shu. Thus, as he grew up he developed a strong feeling of jealousy for his brother to the point of having a severe inferiority complex. In addition to that, the bitterness that he has for ages inside of him about his mother still resides in him and as we know he is still trying to revive her. Reiji is a man who holds grudges from his past and seeks revenge. He is also someone who loves attention (maybe not as much as Kanato) and wants to be recognized as superior to his brother whom he despises so much to the point that you cannot even talk about Shu around him without having either a death glare or a ass whooping. By putting high standards on to himself, not only in the present but also in his past, he’s become a perfectionist who cares a lot about image and manners. He even forces Yui in his route to learn the perfect lady etiquette. Why does he act this way? Simple, in my opinion it is because he likes to keep a perfect image of himself in a way to detach himself from his brothers whom he despises a lot. You might also ask: if he hates his brothers, then why didn’t he kill them yet? Well, Reiji in one interview (https://prevolt.tumblr.com/post/103068375676/diabolik-lovers-dark-fate-stellaworth-complete )admits that he doesn’t completely hate living with his bros, also if he would’ve killed them, his father would’ve punished him. Even if he seems not that bad with his gentleman personality, Reiji isn’t a kind man. Reiji can easily kill someone. To end this, to go back to the butler-like image he gives himself, I think it could be a mask to hide the insecurities he has. I also believe that he constantly lies to himself and that he doesn’t truly understand his own emotions or even himself has seen many times in his HDB route and in the manga.

-Ayato Sakamaki:

(For Ayato I fell upon this really interesting analysis if you are interested )

Ayato, in his childhood, like all of his brothers, was not treated well by his father but he , most importantly, got overpressured by Cordelia to be number one. He couldn’t get out and play freely like any normal child can do because when he would sneak out, he got punished and got slapped in the face by his own mother telling him that if he cannot be number one, he is not allowed to call her “mother” again.(Also, do I need to remind you all the lake scene from his childhood… )For him, you cannot be loved and/or appreciated if you’re not number one. Because he had to live such a childhood, he developed a severe narcissistic personality. Narcissists are not born, they are made, and they are made by being over praised as a kid for their success (such as having a good grade at school, winning a competition or an award, being the best in what they are doing) and by being emotionally neglected. (Ex: throughout the day the child is getting good compliments from their parents by being the number one at school but when the kid will start crying, the parents will ignore or punish him for it. Not giving him any love or support. Which will lead the kid to build himself an ego higher than Yūma’s height and rejecting his own emotions.) I think it describes Ayato’s behaviour and his past pretty well. Another thing that is important to consider about Ayato is that he looks as if he is frozen in time. (Which is a trait that can also be found in any real life narcissists) Even if his mother is dead and that he has nothing to prove anymore, he is still stuck in the “I need to be number one” as if his brain didn’t move on to the present. In addition to that, Ayato is a really childish man. I mean: he needs Yui’s attention and approval all the time, pouts like a kid, acts like a kid (when he asked Yui to stroke his hair in a childish way, plays pranks on Reiji, …) and sometimes speaks like a kid when things are not going the way he wants them to go. Also, once states that he doesn’t wish to have someone special in his life again because the last one who was special (his mom) broke his heart. Ayato himself and himself only and the only goal in his life is to prove that he is the best. To do that, he will use ANY sadistic method and won’t stop even if you beg. Heck, it’ll only excite him more. He is a narcissistic sadist who keeps his emotions far away from him.

-Kanato Sakamaki:

(For this character I highly suggest that you take a good look a this psychological analysis since in my opinion really detailed and the author made a really good job making it: . Thank you~)

Just like his brother Laito, Kanato throughout his childhood was severely neglected and treated very harshly by both of his parents. The only thing that was valuable to his mother’s eyes was his beautiful voice and literally made him sing until his vocal cords bled. I suspect that Kanato probably suffers from Asperger syndrome from how he acts when he is mad, the fact that he doesn’t understand his or the emotions of others and his overall behaviour. In the present we can all see that he is almost, if not, the scariest of all sakamaki brothers and I think that it is mainly due to the lack of attention and support from his parents. Of all the Sakamaki’s, Kanato is the one who, from very early in his childhood, needed attention and support the most. Why do you think he always has a teddy in his arms (with his mother’s ashes in it must I remind you..)and makes his own doll made out of the body of dead women? Kanato simply cannot stand being alone. He would rather have you dead by his side for all eternity than being rejected or even worse, ignored.(I really recommend to read Kanato’s analysis since it really explains well his behaviour on that aspect^^)

He is maybe cute, remember that he is unable to understand your emotions and that he has no problem killing you. Also to be able to survive with him, you will have to abandon your logic and read in between the lines which isn’t an easy task..(This one is shorter because I think that Kanato isn’t that complex. He is just really different but still stays, in my opinion, pretty simple and easy to understand)

-Laito Sakamaki:

Laito is what I would call an empty pervert who uses sex as a coping mechanism. He believes that there’s nothing more real than pleasure. He even goes further in his “crazy” beliefs that “even the sweetest pain can become the greatest pleasure”. Behind his playful, sociable, perverted personality is a really cruel, cunning and manipulator expert who knows the best tricks to manipulate someone since his mother uses those on him in his “young adulthood” to have sexual intercourses with him. Only used as a sex partner by his mom as a child and never received any unconditional love from his parents, he has a bad definition of love. For him love=lust, real love (true love or even unconditional love) doesn’t exist and that it is all fake. He spends his time having sex to forget about the women that broke him and would even go as far as threatening Yui to death if she resist him when she doesn’t want to get involve in his “activities” or “little games”. But even after all that he can’t forget her and still is captive of her “love”, still feeling her, remembering her scent and everything about her. He can’t escape from that jail. Finally, it’s important to remember that Laito is a sadist who takes an amount of pleasure by having someone succumbing to him in a mental and sexual way. He is not someone to be taken lightly. You might not see the danger totally at first by that’s just how Laito is. He even says it himself in his HDB route, he is the type of man who will follow his prey in an alley before attacking it. Therefore, he is not like most of his brothers, he is not going to attack fully. He’s slowly going to take little bites of you and before you even realize it, you won’t be able to escape from him anymore.

-Subaru Sakamaki:

First of all, we need to know that Subaru was born (just like almost all of his brothers) just for the sake of Karl’s plan. What is different about Subaru is that his mother became crazy when she had her child. (I just want to state that she did want the child and Karlheinz did not totally raped her since it is stated that she accepted but we also all know that she was being manipulated. Since for the moment I want to concentrate more on Subaru I will not spend too much time explaining his parents relationship but it is something that we should definitely analyse as well in my opinion) Subaru was severely neglected by his father and he never knew what it was to have a normal mother. Throughout his entire childhood, he’s witnessed his mother’s unstable mind, bipolarity, her tantrums episodes and even worse, not only her insults being thrown directly at him but her literally asking him to kill both her and Karl. Because of that, he’s developed anger issues, a lack of trust with women, a severe depression and he is, if not, borderline suicidal. I also want to state that (He even states in his route in HDB that the two people he hates the most in “this world” is 1) Karlheinz 2)himself)Subaru is one if not the most sensible emotionally. So that means he feels harder than the others. You can also see that he has developed similar traits has his mother has you get to know him more in his route such as: bipolarity (when he orders Yui to always come and tell him where she’s going and then get mad when she does so telling her that he doesn’t care) and random tantrums. (when he gets mad à Yui for no good reason and even makes false assumptions) Not only does he usuels violence as a coping mechanism but he also always isolates himself, not letting anyone in his hard shell because he believes that he can’t do any good and that he is useless. In his presents, he still believes in his mother’s insults and thinks of him as someone filthy, disgusting, weak, a monster who can’t do anything to help the person he loved, his mother. He hates himself. He is constantly irritated by everything. If you want to love him you will have to endure the violence that he’s going to give to you and live with his confusion and irritation against not only everything that surrounds him but also against himself and you, and you will have to give up your life to make him trust you entirely.

#Tried to put some pics but it didn't worked...fml #I swear in this game you don't date boys #you date mental problems #when you meet people and star analysing them but then you get these DL vietnam flashbacks #going through HDB made me feel so bad #HDB is the worst #Recent DL games are much softer imo #Diabolik Lovers #Psychological analysis #Sakamaki #Shu #Reiji #Ayato #Kanato #Laito #Subaru

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cosmicbash · 4 years ago

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Hey, So I'm having a bad week and would really like an outed Kells and Em fic, it could be as angsty or fluffy as you want, I just need a happy ending. A little joy from a situation like that would be really nice right now, Thanks P.S. I've been reading your writing for a while and I think they're really great!! I hope you keep having Inspiration to do so!!!

Sorry I'm so late replying to this!! Ive had a shitty busy week myself and i feel horrible its taken me so long!!

I feel like instagram would be Em and Kelly's downfall. Just because the younger rapper is constantly on it, posting little snippets to interact with his fans, going Live, and of course posting pictures.

Slip ups are inevitable once he and Marshall start spending more and more time together.

Because Colson can't just cut back, when he does that fans start speculating. Questioning why exactly he's suddenly getting more secretive or searching through what he does share with a fine tooth comb to spot a new mystery girlfriend.

So Colson continues posting away on instagram and filming his lives, even when he and Marshall are together. Ignoring the headshakes and looks the older rapper shoots his way everytime he's on live laughing it up.

At first it's awkward, Marshall and him keep alternating who's going to duck into the bathroom or step out for coffee. But eventually they get used to it and comfortable enough that Colson can walk around their hotel room filming while Marshall naps on the couch.

The blonde even gets cheeky enough to start teasing his partner, like snapping photos of their shared brunches, or taking after sex selfies that always get Marshall hiding under the blankets or kicking him.

Really Colson should have seen it coming. You can only fly so close to the sun before you get burned afterall.

The mistakes start piling up soon enough.

Marshall accidentally yelling to ask him something when he's recording a live, Colson walking a bit too close to the couch and flashing the hoodie clad rappers back, the bottom of Marshall's AA necklace in the back of a breakfast shot, and more minor incidents that branch out from there.

At first Colson can just brush the unfamilar voice and thankfully covered up body as one of his assitants or friends. But as soon as that necklace peek gets out the internet does its thing and speculation over a possible collab strikes up.

The assumption being he gave everyone the glimpse on purpose.

Of course he's relieved the public isn't immediately jumping to the crazy possibility of them banging. Even though thats exactly what theyre doing. But him and Marshall AREN'T actually making any music together, and neither of them has publicly squashed their beef. Afterall, what better cover than pretending to still hate eachother?

But now that's all out the window. Colson's lack of an immediate excuse and rapid deletion of the photo just convincing the media their theories are correct.

Paul is of course furious, reaming both of them out over the phone about how they better get on a track together or figure out some new cover. And Diddy, well Diddy rarely comes off his self made throne to speak to Colson, let alone acknowledge most of his success, but the rapper actually does inquire to him about the whole spectacle. And Colson can't help but find himself wishing he had a guy like Paul who knew about them and could just simply yell at him because he still has no idea what to even say.

They settle on quiet ambiguous statements from their labels about how the two of them are working towards mending their beef and that a collaboration isn't exactly out of the question at this moment.

It works. For about a month or two, mostly due to them being apart yet again. The major hype dies down and Colson avoids any and all questions relating to Marshall in his lives and on twitter. The two of them are able to breathe a sigh of relief as temporary as it may be.

Until the next time they make time to see eachother. Colson's got a small charity event in Detroit that he plans on using as an excuse to linger around the city and steal some much needed time with his secret boyfriend.

Of course all eyes are on them yet again, questioning whether the young rapper might also be stopping in to work in some music with his rival.

With paparazzi tailing him more than ever it's impossible for him to just go to Marshall's place like he'd planned. Instead forcing him into renting a suite and wasting most of the day stressing over just how the hell he's supposed to sneak Marshall in with the bastards sitting outside the building like hawks. The other rapper isn't exactly helping either, just sending his usual cryptic texts telling Colson not worry about it but never expanding on what his plan is either.

By the time the blonde finally finishes his busy day and drags himself back to the room he has fully accepted that their rendezvous is not going to happen. Marshall had stopped texting him more than two hours ago and he wasn't about to act even more like a spoiled child by blowing the man's phone up. Colson's just given up. He can't even muster the energy to give the paparazzi outside his hotel more then an annoyed comment about how his life doesn't revolve around collaborations and the finger before slipping inside.

Marshall's presence in his hotel room, already stripped down to his night tee and briefs almost looks like a mirage. But when he shuts the door and crosses the room to bury his face in the other man's neck he smells like ivory soap and that woodsy beard oil the blonde bought him and Colson can't help but hug him closer.

He's so relieved to see him he doesn't even snark back at Marshall's muffled comment that he looks like shit.

The moment is sweet and Colson honestly should have realized it was just the calm before the storm but he's too caught up in complaining about the media and basking in his partner's soft agreements to care.

Before taking off to take his shower he hands Marshall over his phone, suggesting the brunette look through the mess his instragram comment section has become, all the questions and posts he's been tagged in over that little picture and their statements. Because why not? They would inevitably end up laying against eachother in bed scrolling through them all together anyway, at least this way Marshall can get a headstart.

And Marshall does actually swipe through them for a bit, spending more time admiring some of his partners pretty posts than he does reading the never ending stream of comments. The rapper rarely gets on the app himself except to post the occasional merch drop and promo. Social media isn't his forte, and it's not like he could follow Colson's account anyway. Navigating the app and searching for his boyfriends account was too much work when he could just asks for selfies over text.

Thats why when Marshall finishes his browsing and begins backing out of a post back to Colson's homepage he doesn't even care to pay much attention to what he's tapping. The flash of black and loading wheel that lights up the screen completely missed when he tosses it across the bed in lieu of playing around on his own phone.

The livestream he accidentally starts mainly films a blank ceiling through the rest of Colson's shower. The occasional creak and shift on the bed from Marshall's weight and blare of music from his own phones speakers all anyone tuning in can hear.

It doesn't take a brain surgeon for fans to realize the Live has been started unknowingly, but thats not going to stop any of them from filing in.

Maybe if Colson hadn't set his phone to silent the string of text messages might have alerted Marshall to his mistake. But the older rapper relaxes back on the bed less than a foot away blissfully unaware until Colson finally exits the bathroom.

Neither of them notice the phone when Marshall sits up and scoots to the edge of the bed, his body briefly flickering past the frame. They don't see the explosion of comments flying past the screen while they talk and Colson shoves the other man back onto the bed again. Bouncing the phone high enough to almost flip it if fate didn't decide to just scoot it closer to their tangling bodies.

Colson's whole upper body and face is in frame from then on. His cheeks flushed and smile cocky while he straddles his unseen partner. Marshall's fingertips peeking onto the screen where they're tickling the skin covering his ribs.

Its not until after Marshall's sat back up and begun peppering kisses down the front of his throat that he finally catches sight of his half blanket covered phone. An amused accusation about the other rapper trying to sneakily film them prompting Marshall to scoff and reach out for it.

"Probably just the app, shits always opening up to the camera on my phone-"

The rush of comments speeding past the screen and the unmistakeable red dot next to LIVE has Marshall freezing. His wide eyed face fully on screen for 10 seconds before Colson finally pries the phone from his hands to see whats got him so spooked.

Instead of panic, anger is what rushes through Colson's veins. A slew of curses leaving his mouth, before he finally manages to end the live. Phone promptly flying out of his hand against the wall afterwards.

The blonde wants to scream and thrash around. And thats what he does, fingers tearimg at his hair in frustration.

It takes Marshall's fingers softly prying them down for Colson to finally open his eyes again. The utterly terrified look on his partner's face chasing away his residual rage. "Fuck Colson I'm sorry-" its not the first time he's heard Marshall apologize, but it is the first time the man has ever done it while looking so scared of his response.

All the months he'd spent dreaming about his rival making such an expression have nothing on the real thing. And that smug powerful feeling he'd imagined was completely absent now. Just an uncomfortable knot seizing up his chest in it's place.

"I'm not--" his own voice feels tight. Tears threatening to bubble up in his eyes while the reality of the whole situation continues to wash over him. "I'm not mad at you, alright?"

He's mad at the media, at his fans, the rap industry, everything that makes him feel like this little slip up and intimate moment of theirs going viral will ruin their lives.

Colson's sick of hiding who he is and who he's with. Its utter bullshit. Its 2019 for chrissakes, who gives a shit who's banging who? They both make bad ass music either way and liking dick shouldn't change that.

Pushing up off of Marshall, Colson moves to climb off the bed. His hopefully not smashed phone across the room his current focus. But the older rapper snags his wrist and wont let him take more than one step.

And thats when Colson realizes just why Marshall looks so terrified. The man's worried that this is it, that he's going to just leave.

Run away from their problems and abandon the relationship they've been cultivating. Just go full scorched earth.

And that hurts.

So instead the blonde softens his expression and climbs back into bed, onto the other man's lap to hug him tightly. "Fuck Marsh--" He's not about to let the media ruin another relationship. "I love you."

The responding hug is so tight it hurts but Colson doesn't stop. "I fucking love you."

They're falling back onto the bed, legs tangling and Colson's teeth grinding while he rubs his face along the older rapper's shoulder. "I love you"

He doesn't even know what else to say. Now that the words are out it's all his tongue can shape.

"Colson-" Marshall's warm palms are cupping his face, pulling him back so they can stare at eachother

"I love you-" that one hurts the most, maybe because they're eye to eye and just looking at Marshall's soft expression and the possibility of losing it makes him want to crumble. "Please-"

He chokes back a wet sound in the back of his throat before they kiss. Pressing as close as he can, practically trying to glue their mouths together permanently.

Marshall's afraid to lose him just as much. They're idiots for ever thinking it might be a possibilility.

The media can get blown, and so can the industry and their so called fans. The cats out of the bag now and theirs no turning back. If they don't like them together than tough shit. They've both dragged themselves up out of the pits before, this will be no different.

Except, this time they have eachother to lean on.

"I love you to you cornball."

(((Ffffff this sat in my drafts cuz I got distracted by work and life. Im so fucking sorry anon!!!)))

((Also! Thank you anon! For the compliments! Im glad you enjoy my works!))

#emgk #ehhh i dunno where this went #sorry if its not great #been real distracted and busy with work lately #but i hope you can still enjoy it #prompts #asks #i love asks

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championfrita · 5 years ago

Text

Pokémon Sword and Shield Review

So...I've taken some time to fully play Pokémon Shield. Now, I know this is pretty delayed, and I got the double pack so I wanted to play Sword first to see if how I felt was really accurate or if I was being too harsh. That said, let's talk about my experience with the Galar Region.

Initial Impressions

Overall, I was excited to play Shield at first. Everything was bright and exciting and the characters were easy to recognize and not overly generic.

The first few hours of this game, well it's a slow burn. And I do mean SLOW. Even with the text set to Fast and me taking things at my own pace it took me at least a good couple hours to reach the Wild Area. Furthermore, this game has an infernal amount of handholding, even when given the option to say "I know all this already" it still gives a brief explaination for almost anything and STILL makes you sit ALL THE WAY THROUGH the catch tutorial.

It's 2019 and older players still don't get the option to skip this. Come on GameFreak.

That said, the longer I played the more I began to notice...how should I put this? Blatant laziness?

The Wild Area

Now, the CONCEPT of the Wild Area in theory is amazing. It's still not too bad as is, but there are definitely flaws. For starters, the same tree has been copy pasted all over the place to make up 90% of the foliage.

More than that, though, despite the Wild Area having a good selection of Pokémon and a fairly varietied environment (desert, lakes, forest) it feels oddly...empty. There are no real secrets to speak of, no hidden areas, no easily missed items. Everything is all right out there to see and spread pretty far apart. I don't know if it's a lack of Trainers or the fact that I don't have an Online membership so I played alone, but the Wild Area feels like it just needs something MORE.

Dynamax Raid Battles, even when done alone, are fairly fun and sometimes challenging with the turn limit. Radiant AI Trainers spawn in to assist you if you're playing alone so there's no worries about having to take one on with just one Pokémon.

Camping, which can be done anywhere but is introduced to the player here, is an absolute treat. Have YOU played fetch with a unicorn? I have, and I love it. The wide variety of curries you can make with different ingredients is nice, and your Pokémon even get EXP boosts if you play with and feed them while camping.

The Pokémon

Honestly, I'm really not impressed. The Galar Dex of new Pokémon feels painfully small, so much so that playing Pokémon GO and catching a few Unova Pokémon made me yearn for the days when we used to get regions completely FULL of new Pokémon. Remember when you had to wait until AFTER the main game to start catching Pokémon from past gens? I...well, this might be an unpopular opinion, but I LIKED that.

That said, using a sparse selection of Galar Pokémon and Galar Regional Variants on my team definitely made the Gym Challenge more difficult. I picked Scorbunny, because Fire Types, and honestly didn't really care for it or its evolutions at first. Cinderace has really grown on me though and I like Pyro Ball as a move. It's flashy and powerful and that suits me just fine. Most of the new Pokémon's DESIGNS were good and I liked them, there just really weren't ENOUGH of them.

I'm fairly pleased with the regional variants as well. It was difficult to adjust to Ponyta and Rapidash being Psychic Type, but I really liked having them on my team. At the same time...Meowth not evolving into a Persian doesn't really sit right with me.

I'm all for branch evolutions, but Perrserker honestly just looks more like a giant Galar Meowth than anything. I played this with only the info given in the few scattered trailers I'd seen, so I was genuinely excited to see what a Galarian Persian would look like only to end up with Perrserker. The Typing is phenominal, and I think it's great to see a Steel Type Meowth for a change, but I just don't like where they went with it. Eh. Ces't la vie, moving on.

The Story

It's weak. Straight up, the story in this game is poor. There were so many directions they could have gone. I really liked the idea of Rose being this charismatic chairman hype man for the League and being the bad guy. I saw it coming, but it was a nice change to see just based on his personality. Still, it feels rushed. His motivations are really one dimensional and glossed over. Like, "Oh, here's the bad guy. Go get him." It worked in Gen 1 because Giovanni was a MOBSTER. He was MEANT to be a bad guy straight to the core in general, but Rose just doesn't have that vibe.

Not only that, but the "Bad League Members" are kinda meh. That feels REALLY lazy. They didn't even really get a decent uniform change when they started taking on the name Macro Cosmos in Rose Tower. They got black glasses. That's it. Just that. The fight with Eternatus feels painfully rushed and shoehorned in too, almost like they thought "Oh no, we need to give them a big nasty boss to fight! Let's just throw a random monster at them and say Rose summoned it. Seems like a solid plan."

I DID like the after story with Piers though. It really solidifies that older brother sort of nature with him, even if he tries to hide it most of the time.

The Characters

I liked Hop. As a character he's really fun and I like how they gave him this over excited very grand gestured sort of personality. He's really just happy to be ANYWHERE as long as it's with his Pokémon and you. His admiration for his big bro might come off strong and make him seem a little flat at first, but he's overall portrayed as a good kid and I like him.

Leon on the other hand...well I hated him for most of the game. His design is great and he looks fabulous, but he just has the most cocky, obnoxious, pandering personality 90% of the time. Still, I have to give credit where credit is due and recognize that he IS actually a multifaceted character. He showboats not just because he's too confident but also to give the crowd a show and put people at ease in times of danger. Not only that, but his recognition of his little brother's accomplishments and his graceful acceptance of defeat when you beat him reveals a really well written character.

I don't DISlike Sonia, and I have no problem with Prof. Magnolia sitting on the sidelines, but she can be a little...irritating at times with the way she speaks about and to people. The Gym Leaders, aside from Piers, feel a little...light.

I mean, most Gym Leaders don't have detailed backstories, but these ones feel paper thin personality wise as well. I had to look at the official GUIDE just to be sure what the relationship between Melony and Gordie even WAS because you only seem him in her Special League Card in Shield and that tells you nothing about him. The only real leaders that stood out to me were Piers and Raihan, and while I was iffy about his design at first I LOVE Raihan. He has so much more personality and ferocity than any of the other leaders. And the social commentary about him needing to constantly take and post a selfie, even after losing, is a nice touch.

The Galar Region

Is very linear. Like, VERY linear. Even when you take a branching path it either loops back around or gives you a free ride to wherever you have to backtrack to. I hope you like Hammerlocke, cuz you're gonna be visiting there several times.

I know that the region is based off the UK, and maybe my Americanized idea of cities is different (idk, I've never been to the UK), but a lot of the towns in this game feel really small. Like, almost smaller than some of the towns in Hoenn small. Maybe it's a lack of significant interactable buildings, but despite many of them having multiple floors you typically can only access one and that's kind of a disappointment. The hotel in Wyndon won't even let you get in the elevator, and while I get that Alola also did that, it's kind of jarring when the hotel in Motostoke WILL let you see other floors.

That said, I kind of expected more than ONE Wild Area. The one we DID get is fine, and I appreciate what it is and lets us do, but I honestly thought there would be multiple places to really explore outside the standard straight lines. Pokémon has never been a franchise to shy away from puzzles before so I expected this to not be any different. Unfortunately, I was wrong.

Moreover, many of the environment pieces are just UGLY. A lot of the ground textures are reused 3DS assets, and those copy pasted trees I mentioned earlier? Also 3DS assets. How do I know? They're pentagonal instead of round. In other words, they have five sides. Why? Because the 3DS hardware couldn't handle complex environmental shapes that well so they could get away with it, but now that we have nice round berry trees the contrast becomes painful. The Wild Area is so ugly the first time you see it is at NIGHT. They were so aware of what they did they hoped making it darker would hide the lazy flop instead of showing off how bad it was.

It isn't like they COULDN'T fix it either. Look at Ballonlea and Glimwood Tangle. They're absolutely beautiful and very well done. The modeling with them is fantastic and I love the glowing effects. They absolutely could've made the poorly done areas look amazing, but for some reason they didn't and the game suffers some as a result.

Other Thoughts

The Gym Challenges...they were not fun. Like, honestly some were ok. Herding Wooloo was easy, but they really didn't feel like anything I would expect from a Gym. The water puzzle in Nessa's Gym was fine, and I personally liked the spinning cup ride, but the rest just felt like agonizingly long padding because they couldn't come up with anything. Look at Circhester's challenge. It's a dowsing rod gauntlet where you have to avoid falling in pits in an artificial blizzard. It. is. SO. SLOW. That said, Spikemuth having just a Trainer gauntlet instead was kind of awkward. I reached the end and asked myself "Was that it? Is this it? Is this all there is to Spikemuth? Just one giant alleyway and a Pokémon Center?"

Raihan's three trials of worthiness challenge? It was more difficult than the battle AGAINST RAIHAN. Speaking of, I beat Hop, Marnie, Bede, all the Gym Leaders, Rose, Oleana, and Leon on my first try every time. While it was more difficult with my specific Pokémon choices, it really wasn't much. And can I just say that the Gym Badges are kinda lame? I get what they were going for, but the designs of each piece could've been really unique and intricate and instead we got glorified stamps.

I liked a lot of the general features of the game. Camping, clothing shops, League Cards. I love designing League Cards, even if I'm the only one who's ever gonna see em. That said, the clothing choices were really narrow based on what we got in Sun and Moon. The variety of different items was pretty small, though I loved all the punk leather stuff but WOW IS IT EXPENSIVE. Like Lumiose Boutique expensive. AND WHY IS THERE NEVER A REDHEAD HAIR COLOR THAT ISN'T JUST AUBURN RED? There are actually A LOT of redheads with LIGHT RED hair (that's more a personal gripe than anything, I know).

A lot of the music felt almost like rehashes of older BGMs. Like, Postwick, Route 1, and Wedgehurst all sound like they have remixed Hoenn music. A lot of the other music tracks just don't feel fitting for the areas or for Pokémon games in general. I like parts of the Slumbering Weald music and I like the Gym Music, but the opening of Slumbering Weald feels awkward and like it doesn't fit a mysterious forest we're not allowed to be in.

I know I've complained a lot, but there were some things I genuinely liked. A lot of the Pokémon designs, place names, and other radiant decor and parts of the region are actually subtle and not so subtle references to cultural points of the UK. Skwovet and its evolution for example are a gray and red squirrel respectively and are a nod to invasive species, which is neat.

In Conclusion

Is Pokémon Sword and Shield amazing? No. Is it bad? No. Sword and Shield fall into that mediocre middle ground of being ok but nothing to write home about. Could I have done without them? Sure, they aren't some world ending imperitive must play. They're ok, and they make for a fine jumping on point and a fine little adventure if you have spare time. Have other mainline games done it better? Heck yeah, but that doesn't mean Sword and Shield haven't done a few good things too.

Overall, it sort of feels like GameFreak bit off more than they could chew, or were afraid to make changes because of unfamiliarity with the Switch's hardware and software limitations. Pokémon Let's Go had a lot more effort, but it also was much safer and had a much easier to work with art style to everything. Chibi proportions are a lot easier to fake than a more realistic counterpart. Things can be not perfect and it's less noticable than with more realistic proportions, and I think they were afraid to push back the deadline any further for the inevitable backlash despite that being what they likely needed. The DLC may change my mind, but as it stands, just the fact that they feel they can JUSTIFY their laziness with DLC packs really upsets me.

I give Pokémon Sword and Shield a 5/10.

It's just, OK.

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ruffsficstuffplace · 8 years ago

Text

The Keeper of the Grove (Part 59)

Qrow knocked on Blake and Penny's bedroom door. <Hey, Penny! I need you in Ruby and Weiss' room, stat.>

The two of them looked up from helping Blake improve her reading in Nivian. <What happened?> Penny said as she turned off her holo-projector. <Is it a medical emergency?>

Qrow paused. <It's uh… you should probably just go there and see for yourself, and fast.>

Blake and Penny looked at each other, before they got up and did so.

The door had been left open for Qrow's rushing, and Ruby and Weiss were still sitting on her hammock, lips still frozen together. They had tried to move, but it was both painful and difficult, and neither wanted to risk finding out first-hand what would happen if one of them broke away without melting the ice first.

Penny and Blake stopped in the doorway for a few moment, both of them processing the scene in front of them.

“Beginning dispelling and separation attempts...” Penny said as she walked in, her hands glowing.

Blake turned to Qrow. <Did Weiss…?>

<Accidentally freeze their lips together while they were making out?> Qrow replied. <Seems like it.>

Weiss made a frustrated noise and squeezed her eyes shut, her cheeks still burning red.

“Hey Whyss?” Blake asked.

“Mhmm?” she replied.

“Aym rilly sorry, but aym gunna lahf rilly hardd at yu guyz ryte naw,” Blake said, before she did just that.

Weiss grumbled under her breath. Ruby patted her on the shoulder. Blake tried reach for the door frame for support, missed, and ended up on the floor, curled up and clutching her sides from how hard she was laughing.

Penny put her hands near their lips, quickly separated the two of them, and healed any of the physical damage.

“Woo!” Ruby said as she smacked her healed lips, no longer severely chapped. “Thanks, Penny!”

“You're welcome, Ruby,” Penny said. “Are there any more concerns either of you have?”

“Nothing else from me,” Ruby replied.

“Can you revive the parts of myself that have died from embarrassment?” Weiss asked.

Penny shook her head. “Sadly, my mender protocols have their limits.”

“Then you can you at least help me forget everything before we I ended up freezing our lips together?”

“Unfortunately, I can't do such precision memory erasure unless I had access to much more complex equipment than I currently have, or you also had a chronicle installed.”

Weiss sighed and shook her head. “You know what? Just shock me unconscious again...” she muttered as she laid down on her side, away from the others.

“Can you do it for me, too?” Ruby asked as she got up to give her room. “I was planning on going to sleep, but Weiss got me all fired up, and I don't want to nod off on my shift later.”

“I can and will, though I must advise against too frequent use of this!” Penny said as she began to charge up her hands with a different frequency of magic. “This was only ever meant for temporarily curing extreme cases of insomnia, and non-lethal take downs; repeated use will seriously disrupt--”

“Just do it already!” Weiss cried.

Penny paused, before she shrugged. “Administering treatment!” she said as she put her hand on Weiss’ back.

There was a brief flash in her vision, before she blacked out once more.

Weiss came to by noon, feeling somewhat better now that she'd caught up on her lost sleep.

Ruby was in her nest, still unconscious and drooling all over her pillow. Weiss bit her lip, debating whether or not she should wake her up and ask her all the new burning questions on her mind, before she decided not to.

She grabbed her work dress and her gauntlet, then tiptoed it out of their room and outside the house. Tending to her crops and her new orchard provided some much needed distraction for an hour, but the after she closed the lid on the storage box, there was no avoiding it anymore:

“I kissed Ruby.” Weiss thought. “And she kissed me back. And then I froze our lips together.”

She whined in distress as she leaned on the box, a flood of mixed emotions welling up inside of her:

Confusion, as she wondered just what exactly this new relationship would entail, as though Ruby wasn’t Weiss ‘first girlfriend, she was the first person she’d dated across species lines.

Excitement, as she remembered how amazing her lips felt on her, how well their bodies fit together, the way her touch brought all sorts of interesting reactions to her that she’d never felt before with anyone else.

Dread, as she worried if Ruby was going to change her mind about her now that she knew how quickly things could go south because of her lack of control over her powers.

Horror, as she imagined just how much worse that incident could have gone if her powers had leaked out in greater amounts, or if they had been doing much more than just kissing each other on the lips.

Arousal, when she imagined what exactly those acts would be, sans the mood-killing magical mishaps.

“Weiss?” Penny asked.

Weiss screamed and jumped into the air, face burning red. She looked in worry at the thin layer of frost that had formed over the lid, hurriedly dispelled it, before she turned to Penny.

“Y-Yes…?” she asked, trying and failing to act casual.

Penny hesitated a moment. “I just came over to remind you that you're due at the Weaver's Terrace in an hour, 2 PM as Elder Goodwitch had ordered,” she replied.

Weiss blinked. “O-Oh, right… I… should I do anything before I go?”

“I would heavily advise dressing in your full weaver's armour, and eating a heavy lunch as you skipped breakfast, preferably something high in carbohydrates as you will begin your Elemental Weaving training today. Even with your naturally high stores of mana, performing magic will still tax your physical body, if just your mind and willpower.

Weiss nodded. “I guess I should go get cooking...” she said as she prepared to head back up to the house.

Penny stopped her. “Actually, Weiss, I was wondering if I could ask you how is your relationship with Ruby, given your recently discovered powers.”

Weiss sighed. “Well, it'd be hard to tell how it is, given that the whole thing just started this morning!”

“It's been two weeks at least, hasn't it?” Penny asked.

“No, no it has not!” Weiss snapped. “For the last time, me and Ruby are—well, I guess we are together now, but again, only since this morning!” she looked away uneasily. “We… we haven't really had any time to discuss it, either, so I guess I'm just assuming we’re girlfriends now...”

She looked back uneasily at Penny. “… Do Fae have platonic friendships that happen to involve things like kissing…?”

Penny nodded. “Some do. But there are always long discussions beforehand laying out the terms exactly, and Ruby strikes me as the kind of Fae who would not just kiss someone unless she were romantically interested in them.”

She looked around, her ears rotating on her head like satellite dishes, before she leaned in and whispered, “And please don't tell Ruby, but I'm aware of the incident where she attempted to get intimate with Lifira in a Honeydream; as part of my duties as the Keeper's Chronicler alongside Qrow, I'm privy to the records stored in her and Yang’s dreamcatcher.”

With another check to make sure Ruby hadn’t heard, Penny leaned back and resumed talking to her normally. “Anyway… how would you say your relationship is looking, then?”

Weiss paused. “I don't know. I've… never really been good at this dating thing.”

“How so?”

Weiss debated it for a moment, before she shook her head. “I'm sorry, but I don't feel like sharing the intimate details of my love life, when I know there's probably an army of chroniclers itching to dissect every word after your next brain drain.”

Penny nodded. “Understood, and shall not ask again!”

“Thanks. By the way… did the Council happen to put you up to this?” Weiss asked. “Ask me questions about how me and Ruby are doing once you're unmistakably sure we're together…?”

Penny shook her head. “Oh, no, not at all! Aside from the fact that I had wrongly assumed you were a couple for most all of the time we’ve been together and had been treating you two accordingly, Keepers are actually given plenty of autonomy, and the Council rarely steps in their personal lives.”

“Exceptional circumstances aside, they’re more than happy to let them ‘do their own thing,’ as you humans might say.”

Penny suddenly looked away; she couldn't blush, having no blood nor modifications to her “skin” that could simulate it, but Weiss could tell she would have if she could. “… And in the interest of transparency, this was also motivated by my own desire to learn more about courtship and how to attempt it myself.”

“You want to try dating?” Weiss asked, more curious than incredulous.

Penny looked back and nodded. “My creators were mates, actually, and to use a shared expression between our cultures, they never let the flame of passion die out.

“It's been quite interesting observing them, how this arrangement that seems to cause such stress, conflict, and anger is also the same thing that gives them incredible relief, peace, and happiness.

“They had actually fed me a large amount of anecdotes, records, and sometimes even live observations of their moments together, as part of their attempts to make me more like an organic being, and expand my knowledge in general.

“The only thing they've excluded is whenever they get intimate, though that's more for avoiding the risk of my becoming collateral damage during the act itself.”

Weiss raised her eyebrows.

“One of them is a Water Weaver,” Penny replied. “Emotional arousal has been proven to affect your alignment's magic even more than that of Fire Weavers, if less destructive. Generally speaking, at least...”

Weiss looked at her gloved hand, and winced. “Right.”

“Back on topic: I became quite curious about romance in general, and even with the information available through me to the Codex and the Info-Grid, there's only so much you can learn from theory before you have to experiment.”

“So you tried dating?”

Penny nodded. “The Trance was great for that. I assumed false identities, and by that point my intelligence had been upgraded and grown to such a level where I could convince anyone I was, well, anyone I wanted to be!

“It helped that most assumed that you are not being entirely truthful about who or what you are 'IRL,' and identities and histories were easy enough to acquire then erase or obfuscate to avoid suspicion, so long as you know what you're doing—or alternatively, can hack and manipulate the server’s code at the machine language level,” she said, beaming with pride.

Weiss’ eyes widened. “Oh, sweet Shepherd, please tell me you didn't get swarmed with creeps like I did...”

“I had been, though honestly I'm not bothered by it these days,” Penny replied. “If anything, studying the data afterward left me feeling sad for them than anything else, especially when closely examining the records of our interactions and the trends in their responses and actions.”

Weiss shuddered. “Let's move on, please!”

Penny nodded. “As you wish. I fostered some 'serious' relationships, but eventually, I realized that though romance in the Trance is possible and there are numerous precedents, there was the caveat that many couples eventually decide to reveal who they are 'IRL' as a show of absolute trust, that they are truly committed to each other.

“And, well...” Penny gestured at herself.

Weiss nodded. “I could see where that'd become difficult.”

Penny hummed. “I attempted to construct a human identity for myself. One that was completely biological, had been born to normal parents, and had both the mental and chronological age of a 15 year old.

“But it just felt… wrong.

“So I decided to start going as myself, being honest about my identity as a completely artificial being, though obviously, my true origins and the nature of my creators were kept secret.”

“Were people… bothered by your appearance?” Weiss asked, eyeing Penny up and down. “Your design is kind of...”

“Unnerving?” Penny offered. “Disturbing? Creepy?”

“'Unusual!' I was going to say 'unusual,'” Weiss said. “I stopped being weirded out by your floating arm… thingies… pretty quickly, and considering everything else I've seen in the Valley, that's really saying something!”

“They weren't actually all that bothered by my design,” Penny said. “If anything, they wanted to know the schematics or at least the scientific principles behind them, so they could attempt to build their own prostheses similar to mine.

“I'm still getting requests for plans, with Non-Disclosure Agreement drafts, and reputable lawyers to modify them with at my discretion, though for obvious reasons, I've had to decline every one.”

“And they're not bothered at all by the fact that you're an AI? Or a golem, I guess.”

Penny smiled. “That would be surprising indeed, considering the community I ended up with is united by their mutual interest in cyborgs, androids, and artificial intelligences.”

Weiss blinked. “Wait… so that's what 'Mechanical Love' is? A dating site?”

“It's more a forum and centralized location for resources such as reputable independent prosthetic engineers for more 'exotic' enhancements, though yes, they do have a subset for those that would like to become romantically involved with cyborgs, or even completely artificial beings like myself.

“I'm actually well-known as one of the most advanced and ‘human’ of the latter.” Penny smiled. “The irony is not lost on me.”

Weiss chuckled. “You must get a lot of attention.”

“I do, though it's mostly intellectual inquiries, or those wishing to attempt to create personalities similar in complexity to mine. I've exes who wish there was something fundamentally different about my personality if with the same level of complexity and intelligence, or that they could clone me and try a second time with a fresh slate, so to speak.”

Weiss paused, before she laughed. “Of all the things I never thought I'd be talking about, it'd be a robot's exes...”

“It makes for interesting conversation at community events, that's for sure!” Penny chirped.

“So are you about to reveal I'm not the only human involved with a Fae here?”

Penny frowned. “Sadly, my search for a potential mate for a long-term relationship has been unsuccessful. Though, if anything, all those failures have helped me refine the my most important criteria—my 'type' so to speak.”

“And that is…?”

“Someone who is enthusiastic about my being an artificial being, first and foremost! There's something that irks me about people that simply ignore such a vital part of myself, than accepting that I was made, not born.

“Second is that they are 'nice' as you humans would say; the 'Mender' personality type who is caring, more concerned for others than themselves, and is generally reserved and polite. I get enough excitement from all of you, no offense.”

“None taken.”

“And lastly, they would have to be female, taller than myself, and a natural redhead, though the last is optional given the rarity of its occurring still, and the propagation of 'hair dye' mods.”

“Why natural redheads specifically?”

Penny smiled as she touched her own hair. “Because they're incredibly rare, just like myself; it's why I chose this combination of hair and eye colours, actually.”

The conversation came to an abrupt end as Weiss' stomach began to growl.

“Aw, crap, how long have we been talking here?” Weiss asked, pulling out her comm-crystal.

Penny's eyes widened. “Much longer I originally intended...” she muttered. “I'm sorry.”

Weiss sighed as she hurried back to the house. “You can apologize by helping me cook something up real quick!”

“I was already planning to!” Penny chirped as she followed after her

They came into the kitchen, where Blake was already sitting at the table reading, and enjoying a plate of sashimi from some fish she had caught last night.

As Penny got out pots and pans and heated up the oven, Weiss opened the fridge to see what she'd have to work with.

Inside was another plate of sashimi, carefully wrapped in plastic with a sticky note on it.

This time, the doodle of Weiss' face was much more flattering, with a checkmark beside it.

She pulled her head out of the fridge, and smiled at Blake.

She looked up from her reading, and smiled back.

#white rose #rwby #the keeper of the grove #fanfic

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wamblog · 3 years ago

Text

Something needs to give:

Ok I need to vent and I know this is supposed to be more my "professional" blog but whatever. I haven't blogged in quite a few months and you'll know the struggles I've been dealing with mentally and physically with my mental health crashing and my chronic pain flaring up. If you've been following my other accounts. I've tried to keep you in the loop.

I've always wanted to travel and see the world. Have that freedom. Find someone to grow with and build with while also pursuing our own dreams. When I went back to school my goal was to build a career I could love and enjoy and travel or move out of an area that is, for lack of a better word: dead and stuck in their ways. It was my compromise due to legally having to stay in the area for a certain amount of time.

I always considered starting my own business. Especially after purchasing the place I have now because well physically and mentally I can only work maybe 5% of the jobs in my area and the majority of those 5% want 10-20years of experience. Well sorry I've been pursuing my education for the last five!

I've always wanted to move. Considered just packing my bags, throwing a dart at the map and just saying "fuck it." Watching the amount of people who started their own businesses during quarantine was a mixture of discouraging and encouraging. When I graduated I went: "sweet! I can now put more energy into Coffee with WyWy!" And then I crashed. Hard. Mental health is no joke and neither is a mental crash.

I've been struggling since December to come back and get back in the swing especially as things were going before then. I even got to interview someone! An interview I have yet to edit and upload, but even an hour or two is too much. I remember when I could spend hours. HOURS researching, writing scripts, recording and editing videos while also working, doing school work and taking care of my kids. Now? I can barely make my bed all the way.

I'm burned out.

My current job burns me out. From the fact I am still working a job I thought I'd be able to kiss goodbye the day I graduated to the fact the God fearing supervisor thinks it's okay to tell us how wonderful of workers we are to our faces only to text us later insults, calling us lazy. Claiming we don't take pride in our jobs ect (all things my abusive ex used to do by the way), when we don't have the chemicals or even the machines that we had before because they haven't been replaced or kept up in stock.

My physical health crashed. I'm used to having flare ups in the winter. When you live with chronic pain, at least in my experience, you expect a flare up when the weather's bad. But it wasn't just when the weather was bad. I've managed to get it where it hasn't gotten worse but it hasn't gotten better either and I know my current job is partly to blame. I want to quit and just put ALL of my energy and time into Coffee with WyWy. And I would, but I also have kids and so I need to keep the roof over their heads.

In my personal life, at first things were going "normal" as in the normal people just wanting a piece of ass or conversations that just died until I met someone. I became completely overwhelmed, something that's been easy as of late, and my depression rose. So, I DM all the people I was talking to and he was the only one who said, okay well can just let me know you're safe? And from there the conversation grew. I've been able to be myself and have a combination of serious and un-serious conversations. He even gave me things I realized I one: never received and two: needed. But he's moving out of state and I want to tell the cruel universe to go fuck itself.

If you told me this could work, even a slim chance, I'd pack and leave tomorrow, but realistically I have at least a year before I could move without being completely financially depend on him until I found work. If it was just me I'd say fuck it, I'm living off my savings, but it's not. I have kids. And that's not fair to him or anyone and I'm proud and happy for him finding that job and pursuing his career and dreams. Especially as I sit surrounded by people who could care less about making changes while I try to do the same as him.

At the end of the day, one thing is for sure. I'm not ready to give up on Coffee with WyWy, but something needs to give. And as crazy as it sounds, if it's packing up and leaving the state to see how a relationship with someone works out, so be it because all I need to continue persuing my business is a laptop and some internet.

Take care my Sweeties.

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