#edward “healthy coping mechanisms” little | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

palmofafreezinghand · 3 years ago

Note

You mentioned in a previous ask that you hc Esme had regrets about marrying Carlisle too quickly, could you go into that more? That’s such a great perspective I’ve not seen before!! 😍😍

omg thank you so much for asking I don’t know about great but it is a perspective I have 💖💖

The referenced post.

So I’ll be the first to admit this particular head-canon is based purely out of spite, I usually try to have some logic behind my choices, not a lot but some, but this is purely me thinking something was stupid. That means this is much more of a rant than a coherent analysis.

In short: I think less than a year after Esme: left an abusive marriage, lost a child, attempted to take her own life, and became a vampire, was far too short of a time frame to grieve in any monumental way or find coping mechanisms or reach any sort of baseline adequate enough to commit to quite literally forever. Which left her relying on Carlisle for a lot of her individual identity at first. And while it is completely possible to grow and grieve in a marriage, I believe the one she had with Carlisle in the early 20′s made that difficult. She doesn't regret getting married, she just wonders if she had given herself more time if it had been easier and if she could have been a better partner.

- Brief mentions of domestic abuse, infant loss, and suicide. -

If we follow Meyer’s “they quickly got married” and Esme dying in 1921 and getting married in 1921 the longest Carlisle and Esme could have courted is a little over 11 months. Now, everyone does things at their own pace, and that’s not an unreasonable time frame especially for the time frame I know but…

Eleven months is assuming she got in a relationship with a man she had idolized for ten years less than nine months after leaving a four year abusive marriage, literally weeks after she: lost a child, tried to kill herself, and got turned into a vampire. Which I find unlikely.

In any scenario Esme had a lot going on. I think it would have been very easy for her to ignore a lot of the work she needed to do emotionally and mentally by throwing herself into being a good wife and a good mother, which is what I think she did.

Mrs. Evenson turned into Mrs. Cullen with little time for Ms. Platt to become an actual person. (Not that you can’t discover yourself while in a relationship, or that being a wife is at all a negative thing but there is a reason every grief counselor will tell you not to make big decisions for about a year after a loss).

First off, I imagine their marriage in the early days was pretty idealistic but missing a certain element of understanding that just comes with work and time. Neither had been in a healthy relationship… ever. Carlisle had been alone for two hundred and fifty one years before he met Edward, and even then his roommate was a mind reader. No part of that situation points to him being a good and effective communicator no matter how “perfect” one may think he is. Esme had been in an abusive marriage that she couldn’t communicate in so she wasn’t one either. They danced around each other terrified the other would decide to leave if they said the wrong thing. Why? Because while they had made this eternal commitment to each other neither had ever had a secure enough relationship to know what “unconditional” truly meant. (Esme’s parents turned on her, Esme’s son died, Carlisle’s mother died, Carlisle’s father was well Carlisle’s father, the list keeps going and it’s history that can only be combated with evidence someone will stay, not promises).

Now, Carlisle has abandonment issues that a long courtship wouldn’t have solved but would it have made their attachment a touch more secure? Possibly. Would Carlisle have had a better understanding of Esme’s trauma and history if they had gone slower? Probably. Would he have been better equipped to be a partner in that with the knowledge? Most likely. But that’s not the problem.

The problem is Esme seems like a really avoidant person, who fulfills other people’s needs in a way to avoid her own. So, Carlisle with all of his problems and needs presents an amazing opportunity to avoid her own. Not only that but Esme loves him, life altering head-over-heels in love with him. She wants to be a great wife, she thinks she’s entirely unworthy of him and she’s going to try her best to be the wife she thinks Carlisle deserves (not her). And Carlisle loves her and tries to meet her needs she refuses to voice as best he can but he just doesn’t have the tools to ‘fix’ trauma and abuse. And Carlisle’s not the kind of person who can accept that, he has devoted his entire life to fixing people - he loves this woman, he doesn’t want her in pain, and in his mind the logical step to helping her is giving her a marriage worthwhile, the marriage she deserved. So they’re both trying to do ‘right’ by the other without asking how they can do right by themselves.

So when Rosalie points out one day in a rage the discrepancy of the woman Esme is and the person who climbed trees at sixteen, waited until twenty-two to get married, hit her husband over the head with a frying pan, ran in the middle of the night, ect. was not the same woman who seemed to exist solely to mitigate Carlisle and Edward’s issues, and meet their every need. And was that true? No, Esme had her own passions, interests, and hobbies; but to Esme it was an accusation she had silently launched against herself more than once in the darkest moments so it stung.

The simplest explanation for why that stung was Rosalie was right and her marriage had changed her. (Whether that’s true or not is a completely different question). And in my own head-canon realm there was one minor ‘breakdown’ in the early-mid 30′s about this very topic, and although it took a lot of effort on her husband’s part Carlisle simply responded with “well, let’s find what you like then.”

To sum it all up: She loves Carlisle, she loves the life they’ve built and she doesn’t regret getting married or the honor that is being Mrs. Cullen but she’ll always be Carlisle’s wife, and sometimes she thinks it might, just for a little while, have been nice to live for herself. There’s a very tiny part of her that wishes she would have given herself some time to learn what safety is, to grieve, to just exist without an obligation to anyone; if anything, Carlisle taught her she deserved that much.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter all that much anymore because she’s married to a man who does want to know the real her, even if that version of her doesn’t exist to meet his needs, and he’s overly supportive in all her pursuits to figure out who that person is. And that’s unconditional, baby.

#thank you for asking!!! sorry this one is pretty dumb reasoning #esme cullen #carlisle cullen #analysis #headcanon #queue

41 notes · View notes

meta-squash · 4 years ago

Text

So, last night I had a thought about self-harm (and addiction) and the reaction or framing from the press re: Richey Edwards vs Peter Doherty.

(This went off on a tangent, I’m sorry if it’s a little nonsensical and also I know my opinions are maybe kind of controversial.)

[Blanket TW for discussion of self-harm, eating disorders, and addiction in this post]

My best friend and I were having a conversation last night about self-harm as a coping mechanism and how people who have never self-harmed before don’t understand it and don’t know how to react to it, among other aspects of the subject. Later that got my brain on a different train going in a similar direction but a different destination.

I was thinking about the difference between the media interest surrounding Richey Edwards and Peter Doherty, and how the media framed their struggles and problems etc. (There is a slight difference between the two given that the Manics never got huge in the media and Richey wasn’t around for the explosion of internet tabloid culture.)

But my thought starts out with this: Peter and Richey seem to have done similar types of self-harm in similar amounts, and yet it is Richey’s self-harm that got all the media attention. Richey’s alcoholism and anorexia were not as chaotic or as....public?...as Peter’s drug problems, but it was all but ignored by the media even when he was fairly open about it.

Aside from the original 4REAL incident, which was a complex combination of situationist spectacle, self-expression/release of frustration, and intense message to the industry, Richey’s other moments of self-harm seem to be a more (for lack of a better word) normal level; they seem to have mostly been smaller, shallower cuts or cigarette burns. Aside from the one other recorded incident in Amsterdam ‘94 where Richey cut his chest enough to need stitches, there are no other instances on record of moments at the level of the 4REAL incident. Richey’s moments of self-harm seemed to typically be a more moderate coping mechanism rather than a tendency towards grievous injury. And yet the media’s main focus when it came to Richey was his self-harm and the spectacle of it rather than his lyrics or his other obvious struggles with alcohol and eating disorders.

And it’s interesting to compare that to Peter’s self-harm. I don’t think he’s ever had a moment like 4REAL, but he has used moderate cutting and cigarette burns presumably as a coping mechanism. His “strop” at Brixton ‘04 being the most outwardly dramatic and maybe the closest to 4REAL. But there are plenty of photos or footage of him with visible cuts and/or cigarette burns. And yet it doesn’t seem to be something the press really cared about.

On the flip side, there’s Peter’s addiction and all the media craze surrounding that. (As an aside, I cannot imagine how awful it must have been to have the media obsessing over your drug use while telling you to get better while essentially being its cause.) The press practically documented Peter’s every move re: his drug use and addiction. It was sensationalized and plastered everywhere and this obsessive attention was placed on it.

Which is the opposite of what happened to Richey’s problems. He talked fairly openly about his alcoholism in a number of interviews but rarely was he directly asked about it. Off the top of my head I can’t think of any interview that directly asked him about his eating disorders either, but he did mention some aspects of that in a few interviews (most notably his last ever TV interview for some Swedish channel).

Part of this difference in media focus kind of makes sense. The media picks the thing that’s more dramatic and crazy-sounding and a bigger spectacle. For Richey, it was self-harm, because he started with a proverbial bang by coming out the gate with the 4REAL incident that catapulted the Manics into the eye of the industry proper (despite the fact that he never reached that intense level again). For Peter, it was his drug abuse partly because of its more widespread chaos (drinking alone in your room is not as interesting or glamourous as smoking crack at wild parties, plus a dramatic band breakup draws readers) and partly because of his proximity to Really Famous People (ie Kate).

I guess it just interests me how the media decides which thing is more “concerning” and how that false concern in fact fuels the very thing it pretends to be so worried about.

The 4REAL incident was a shocking thing; it seems as though over the years the remaining Manics have come to acknowledge that that was pretty much the point. Nicky called it an “amazing, fantastic statement” in the 98 Up Close documentary. It’s something that was outside of Richey’s other self-harm because it was very much for a spectacle (JDB does say in the same docu that he was pretty sure Richey had sort of planned it). But none of Richey’s other moments of self harm were as public or as performative. I’d even say his Bangkok chest-cutting was only partially performative, considering how horrific the band considers that trip to have been. But really, his self-harm seemed to be mostly a private, personal thing, a coping mechanism. And yet it was pretty much all the press focused on, ignoring the alcoholism and anorexia that a) were likely actually affecting his ability to function and b) were likely bigger problems that the self-harm was used to balance out. The remaining band have talked about Richey’s drinking and how it affected him and made it difficult for him to function, and none of them ever really talk about Richey’s anorexia but looking at photos of him in 1994 you can really see the toll it takes on him. But the press weren’t interested in that.

And again, similarly, Peter’s drug use was fascinating to the press because it was dramatic and chaotic and an interesting spectacle. But after reading the Books Of Albion etc it sure seems like the press were major instigators of a lot of Peter’s problems and his need to use drugs to cope and/or escape. They ignore his self-harm because it’s not as interesting as his addiction; the opposite of the “mundanity” of Richey’s introverted alcoholism.

The press chooses which problem it’s “concerned” about depending on which one is a more interesting, easily-maintained spectacle. If it can flaunt “concern” in order to goad or stress their victim into doing that thing more, it can perpetuate that cycle: “we’re so concerned about you, look we’ve written an article on your drug-induced antics/your dramatic self-harming tendencies with pictures and misquotes and misunderstanding, oh we’re so concerned we’ve parked ourselves outside your venue and/or house to ask intrusive questions about your problems rather than your art, wait why are you still struggling with this drug/self-harm problem we said we were concerned about you, look we’ve written another article about how you’re struggling and we’re concerned but we haven’t actually asked you what’s wrong or how to help or done the most obvious thing which is leave you alone” ad nauseum.

Plus, these things are always appropriated by the press rather than a request made for clarification from the person. The victim’s candid thoughts about their hurt or their reasons for needing this coping mechanisms are not actually heeded but are twisted round and into part of the “story” rather than taken seriously as an explanation or a plea for the media to fuck off because they’re exacerbating the problem.

And now I go into more theoretical ramblings.

(Side note and/or clarification or...something: I can speak from long-term experience when it comes to self-harm as a coping mechanism etc, but I have not personally dealt with drug addiction so when I’m talking about that, it’s definitely as an outsider. I have friends who are recovering addicts and who I’ve known during their more intense struggles but I have not experienced it myself, like, in my own brain/body.)

Something my best friend and I were discussing in the conversation that triggered this entire thought-train is self-harm as seen by outsiders/people who have never self-harmed or thought about it in any seriousness. (And here comes some more serious discussion, as a warning.)

We talked about how there really isn’t a good argument against self-harm as a coping mechanism. (And I know my opinions here are probably controversial.) Most seem to center around “healthy” coping mechanisms vs “unhealthy” but if it’s your own body and you aren’t hurting anyone else, who’s to say what’s what? The other problem re: “healthy” coping mechanisms (like taking a bath, treating yourself, etc) is that the concern against self-harm seems to be that it isn’t addressing the underlying issue that requires the coping mechanism. But neither does doing some skin care or eating an apple (that is, if the problem is a stressor outside of needing sustenance or being able to do something “relaxing” enough to actually relax). That isn’t to say that self-harm is a good reaction to every stressful moment, but it truly is a very singular type of stimulation and release that is sometimes the only effective method of reacting to and coping with an internal or external stressor.

As a clarification, most acts of self-harm are not to the severity level of 4REAL. Cigarette burns and collections of minor-to-moderate cuts are much more common, neither of which are particularly threatening to the overall wellbeing of the person.

The other thought about self-harm and the reason for the media’s focus on it is the discomfort of and fascination a “badge” of struggle. When you’re depressed and you can’t get out of bed, it’s not like you get up a few days later and there’s a big sign that says “Was Depressed, Couldn’t Move,” or if you feel stressed and overwhelmed so you go drink wine in the bath, you don’t spend the rest of the day with some sort of sign telling other people that you felt bad so you bathed. But self-harm is a personal coping mechanism with evidence attached. And that evidence makes people who can’t understand it uncomfortable. Self-harm leaves a mark which other people are confronted by and they don’t know how to react because they cannot imagine how that can be something that helps. Self-harm is a “badge” of struggle and/or coping--not that it’s a proud mark or anything, just that it’s visible to others in a way that stands out and is singled out. I’ve gone out in public in my pajamas after not getting out of bed for 5 days and nobody looked at me funny or asked me why I looked all rumpled. But I’ve had random strangers at the grocery store ask me about the self-harm scars on my upper arms. Scars are a sign of hurt or stress etc that are visible to others which means they feel compelled to confront their feelings about it and often come up uncomfortable and not understanding and confused.

Similarly, I think drug use/addiction can sometimes be a similar “badge” of struggle, especially if it’s apparent onstage or during various public appearances. It’s something that people outside of it don’t understand. Likely they don’t understand the use of drugs as something other than “for fun.” People don’t understand the depths of using drugs as escape from or coping with (or both) stressors. Raw dogging reality is kind of a tall order if reality is overwhelming and stressful to a degree that’s difficult or impossible to control and/or manage. Not to mention using drugs for coping or escape then can lead to dependency and addiction and that’s a whole new game. Because, you know, that’s the thing: it’s not just about kicking an addiction. If you try to kick an addiction without replacing it with something else, you can pretty easily fall back into it because it’s not just a physical dependency, it’s a way to deal with reality. If you’re trying to go from a using a crutch to deal with reality to straight up raw dogging it without a fallback crutch, it’s gonna be real hard. In terms of a “badge” of struggle I think that use of drugs where intoxication is more obvious or more intense than, say, weed, people are uncomfortable. With a drug’s effects on behavior, I’m sure, but also with the outward signs that the person is obviously using a coping mechanism to deal with stresses or hurts.

In both situations it’s an exposure of this internality that outsiders can’t fully understand or touch. Everyone’s reasons for self harm or drug use are going to be different. The “benefit” that the coping mechanism brings is going to be different for everyone. And it especially means that strangers who don’t have experience with these things cannot fathom them and cannot comprehend them. There’s that desire to understand, that curiosity, (and sometimes an actual desire to help), but no one can read another person’s mind or understand their internality completely, and the visuals of self harm or of drug use are a very intense and forward reminder of that.

And I think those “badges” of struggle are something the media loves to capitalize on, because they can be turned into a spectacle and can be monetized due to outsiders’ discomfort. People watch horror movies or read tabloids because it makes them uncomfortable from a safe distance; these things aren’t happening to them, but another person’s obvious pain/fear/sadness/struggle/etc is just discomforting and strange enough to evoke a dark fascination rather than a total rejection. And the cycle continues as the media capitalizes on their victim’s stress and their coping with that stress, and which then causes more stress which then causes a need for a more intense coping or escaping mechanism, etc.

To bring it back to my original point, the reason the press focused on Richey’s self-harm (despite it being not too terribly excessive or intense) and not his addiction or ED problems, and the reason the press focused on Peter’s addiction and not his self-harm is because of the degree and type of fascination/discomfort those things brought. Richey’s self-harm was interesting enough and obvious enough that they could show lurid photos of his scabs and scars and talk to him about it, but he did his drinking in private and didn’t really cause any sort of scene onstage. And Peter’s drug use was interesting enough and public enough that they could show lurid photos of it as well as collect all sorts of gossip and rumour and twisted-around tales while his self-harm clearly wasn’t as dramatic or fascinating to them. People can read the tabloids and be darkly fascinated by a person cutting themselves up but maybe not by someone drinking at night in their bed (because that’s boring to read about). People can read the tabloids and be gleefully horrified by abuse of class A drugs and the actions/behavior surrounding that but that’s going to be more interesting than a person stubbing a cigarette out on their arm in frustration and despair. It’s all about what can be painted in a more dramatic light. It’s all about what internal things can be made public.

#self harm tw #eating disorder tw #drug abuse tw #addiction tw #this went a lot of places #i know my opinions re: self harm as a coping mechanism are maybe kind of controversial #richey edwards #pete doherty #manic street preachers

26 notes · View notes

boilyerheid · 3 years ago

Note

directors commentary for when tom tells ed about his mum in FTAGH pretty please!!

WELL this happens twice, so let's compare and contrast if you'll indulge me.

under the cut because it got long.

"My mother… she has addiction issues. Has done since I was a kid." He keeps his eyes very carefully on the scissors, and Ed sits very still, barely breathing in case he spooks this unexpected openness away. He knows so little about Tom in some ways, he realises as the words register. "I spent a lot of time taking care of her. Caring's a muscle like any other, mine's just well developed."

"When you were little?" Ed raises his eyebrows as Tom's mouth twists. Younger than he's willing to admit, then. His stomach lurches. "That's terrible."

"Someone had to do it," Tom shrugs, like it's nothing. Just a fact, part of history that can't be changed, and that's true but fuck. "Trust me, I'll take helping a handsome bloke put his head back together over heroin withdrawal any day."

at this point in the story, Tom is vaguely aware that he's got some post-traumatic shit going on (he's put himself on a waiting list for help, after all, he's done what he's supposed to do) but is very much unaware of the extent to which Ed's breakdown has raked everything back up for him. the way he talks about his mum is factual but brief, he doesn't specify - the comment about heroin withdrawal is throwaway, he's far more focused on the taking care of people side of things throughout the conversation. he doesn't mention trying to get his mum sober.

this is Tom trying to be honest while still maintaining some of the careful self-image he's built up, plus the stories he's told himself about his childhood. someone had to do it, it's a fact, and it's left him with the ability to take care of people. he's taken something positive from it. this is Tom still trying to maintain his spit polish without lying to Ed.

He never said. Of course he didn't fucking say, it's not something he's proud of.

"I dropped out on my sixteenth birthday, Edward." Tom doesn't mean to snap and cut the well-meaning apologies off, but he's at the very rapidly fraying end of his rope. "I had to work. I didn't sit my A Levels. I've got three GCSEs that I barely passed."

"I-." Ed looks utterly gobsmacked by the revelation, and the hot pulse of shame that roils through Tom's gut threatens to make him gag again. He can't live with Ed thinking he's stupid because he hasn't got qualifications, he can't. "I didn't know that."

"No, but you could've inferred something from literally anything I've told you about how I grew up." He wants to stop talking, wants to shut his mouth and swallow all the words he's been so careful not to share and keep them down inside to fester. It's almost as though he's able to pretend things were better than they were, if he just doesn't speak the past into existence, but now the wound has opened and the bleeding refuses to stop. "My mum was off her fucking head all the time. Someone had to look after David and make sure she didn't choke on her own sick. My education took a back seat and she stole half the money I brought home."

"Tom…" Ed looks and sounds so sad, and it's so close to pity that Tom can't stand it.

and... there goes the spit polish.

Tom's in a very raw situation here, confronted by the reality of just how different his and Ed's upbringings were, and he's - if you'll pardon the quote - at the end of vanity. what's the point of trying to maintain some sort of appearance when clearly it will never measure up to anything the Little family would think made him a worthy partner?

he's explicit here in a way he wasn't during the first time he told Ed about his mum. he's gone from 'addiction issues' to throwing out visceral mentions of her choking on her own sick and stealing his wages as a sixteen year old school dropout. this is the ugly side of Tom which he's worked very, very hard to mould into something he can live with, and the fact he's laying it out here speaks to just how over the edge he's been pushed with stress. he is angry in a way he very rarely allows himself to be.

(the fact Tom's general response to overload is anger is very interesting to me as a writer and as a Tozer parallel, but that's a different issue.)

he's in therapy at this point in the story, his previous (unhealthy) coping mechanisms haven't been replaced with healthy ones yet, but also no longer function as they once did, and he's very much just blurting it all out because he can't pretend anymore. Tom's exhausted here, he's realising that he's been exhausted for most of his life up until now, and (even if he doesn't consciously realise it) he's trusting that Ed will catch him when he finally crumbles.

#ask games #fic asks #FTAGH

8 notes · View notes

asstrologyst · 4 years ago

Text

More Than A Woman (Intro)

More Than A Woman - After surviving the events of Endgame, Tony Stark has become a recluse. Spending day after day in his workshop without letting anyone in, he finds not only a new way to cope with his PTSD, but something he hadn’t had in so long; a friend. What happens when this new friend develops thoughts and feelings of her own, especially toward a certain super soldier?

A/N: I was listening to More Than A Woman by the singer Aaliyah when this idea came to mind. It’s something that’s lingered in my head for at least a year and now that I’ve got hella free time, I’m ready to give it a go! I hope you guys like the intro! - D. (Sorry it’s so short! Also had to reupload on my phone cause Tumblr flagged it for some reason.)

Pairing - Bucky Barnes x Android!Reader (Fem!Reader)

Warnings: Angst/Mentions of PTSD & Depression/Artificial Humans/ Fluffy ending. (It’ll get smuttier & fluffier at some point lol)

If there was one thing Anthony Edward Stark was good at, it was bad ideas. And it was this bad idea that had been spawned from something oh, so human.

Loneliness.

Ever since the events of that day, Tony had spent his days locked away in his workshop on his own. Tinkering away at anything that took his mind of the constant pain that shot throughout the right side of his body whenever he lifted a single finger. And god, it didn’t look any better. He tried to ignore the constant looks he got whenever he did manage to make himself go outside on the rare occasion.

But this was his way of coping with things and damn it, it helped. Sure, it may not have been a healthy thing. Locking yourself away for weeks at a time and refusing to speak to anyone was a giant red flag for unhealthy tendencies and was certainly not normal at all. But then again, was anything really normal about Tony’s life? His wife, Pepper, was the smartest woman he knew and was far too busy helping repair the world after the snap. His daughter, Morgan, was growing up herself and had Happy to watch over her at the time being. And fuck, did Tony needed this break.

He needed to do something. To build something. Something that showed that no, he wasn’t completely broken and incapable now. He wasn’t just mangled and fucked up for nothing. He could still do something. Anything.

That’s when it came to him.

What if he didn’t have to be alone?

Sure, he had Pepper and Morgan. He had Happy and the team, but given his circumstances, he couldn’t stand them seeing him like this. More importantly, he couldn’t stand the pity he’d get. That’s why he needed someone to vent to. Someone who wouldn’t judge him or see him as a weak old man trying to keep up with the big dogs. No, he needed someone different.

Sitting up in his chair, Tony hastily grabbed the crumpled notepad that had been sitting by his desk for weeks, along with the half-broken pencil and began at his best attempt to sketch a human body.

He started out with a head. dragging his pencil along the paper, outlining the shape of it. He created ears, eyes, lips and a nose. Then came the body parts. Arms, legs and feet. Toes, fingers and nails. All that jazz. Until finally, he had the perfect outline of the person who’d unknowingly would save him from his self isolating turmoil.

Seventy-Two hours.

Seventy-Two hours was how long it took, but judging from how detailed everything looked, Tony would say it was worth it. Every single eyelash to every single fingernail looked so…real. One would think that an actual human being was laying on the table before them if they saw you. It was at this moment that Tony had felt somethings he hadn’t felt in so long.

Excitement.

Happiness.

Ambition.

All the things that made him who he was before and in just a few seconds, his new creation, a new chapter in his life would be opened. As if he were touching the gentlest material in the world, Tony placed his fingers on the android’s chin and tilted its head to the side, revealing a small USB-like port behind its right ear. He reached into the back pocket of his jeans, revealing a tiny microchip – or as he liked to call it, your brain.

His hands trembled with excitement as he slid the tiny metal square into the robot’s head and practically jolted backwards with excitement. And like clockwork, he heard the familiar sounds of a machine turning on, the mechanical properties humming with the sounds of life.

The second you opened your eyes, the first thing you saw was white. You couldn’t register a thing, only the sight of brightness clouding your vision. What it was, you had no idea. Who it was, you had no clue. But within seconds, the bright light faded into something that made your head spin. You blinked rapidly as your eyes took in your surroundings.

The giant fluorescent lights beaming down on you made you wince and for the first time, you felt pain. Even if it was dull, it still felt like something and that’s what made your eyes nearly shoot out of your head with how wide they opened.

Your first breaths were rapid, taking in large quantities of air and expelling it even faster as you experienced your first anxiety attack. Where were you? What was this place? But most importantly – what were you?

Glancing down at your hands, you moved your fingers for the first time in sync with each other, eyes big with disbelief. Moving your gaze downward, you noticed two legs and two feet resting against the large operating table.

“I take it this must all be a bit of a shock to you, hehe.”

The sound of a deep, yet calm voice caused you to nearly jump out of your artificial skin. Sitting upwards in a flash, you opened your trembling mouth as you fought to process what in the world was happening. There you were, cold and afraid and with a strange…thing that looked as though it had the same mechanics, beaming down at you like you were something edible.

“You probably have no idea what the hell is going on,” He acknowledged. “Do you?”

It took quite a bit for you to muster up the courage for you to shake your head and when you did, he let out a nervous laugh. One that you found yourself letting out, too. Surprisingly.

“It’s a defense mechanism, kiddo. Don’t worry, I coded it for you to help you out.” He informed you as he grabbed what looked like to you, was a giant light-up rectangle, before tapping away at it in a haste.

Setting it back down with a small clank, you watched as he grabbed some kind of object with wheels and scooted himself closer toward you, which instantly made you scoot further from him on the table. Noticing this, his smile faded and was replaced with a concerned frown.

“Look, kid. I’m not gonna hurt you.” He reasoned, holding out his hand. “I’m a friend.”

“F-Friend?” You stammered, furrowing your brows. Confusion wasn’t a good experience for you, Tony figured that, so he did what he did best. He improvised. Peering around the room, looking for something that could help him and calculating the reaction you’d have in his mind, he finally broke out into a grin when he spotted the little silver baggie on the desk in front of him.

Picking it up, he slowly and carefully, held it out to you. “Blueberry?”

“What the heck is a blueberry?” You felt yourself blurt out before clamping your mouth shut with your hand. The laugh that echoed the room was something you didn’t expect from the strange man sitting in front of you and for the first time, you felt a new emotion: ease.

“It’s a fruit.” He chuckled, taking one out and holding it in front of you. “Check it out, not only is it nutritious, it’s also delicious.”

You don’t know how or what you were doing when you felt your cheeks move upward and your teeth become exposed to the chilling air in the room, but unlike the first emotion – which horrified you – this one was pleasant. You didn’t mind it one bit.

“There we go! That’s what I like to see.” The man smiled at you pridefully.

“What…was that?” You asked, the smile seemingly glued to your face.

“It’s called a smile, sweet cheeks. Get used to it.” He informed you before scooting closer. “Now, how about we get you a name?”

You paused, staring at him and expecting him to explain what a name was and why you needed one. “It’s what I’ll be referring you as, for now.” Taking the hint, he placed his hand onto his chin, stroking his beard playfully as he stared at you as though you were some kind of painting that needed to be seen from a certain angle to understand.

“Sharon?” He offered.

You winced, shaking your head.

“Lucy?”

You raised an eyebrow. He let out a snort and shook his head.

“What about…. Y/N?”

You paused, this time, you felt something different inside of you. From deep within a place you couldn’t pinpoint. Feeling your cheeks move upward again and your eyes twinkle, you knew whatever this feeling you get when you were called this, it was more than just a pleasant feeling. It felt good.

“I like that name.” You admitted, repeating it under your breath once again and smiling even bigger. “It’s beautiful.”

“And it fits you, too. Way better than Sharon.” He admitted with a dopey smile, one that made you experience laughter for the first time. You decided that that was your favorite one. Laughter.

“Well, Y/N,” He spoke softly, holding out his hand to you, which you reluctantly took, standing from the table. “My name is Tony.”

You finally had a name for this strange man that brought you to life so suddenly and it felt good knowing that you weren’t the only one with a name. You had begun to build a list of questions, ones that you knew you’d need answered. What was this stretchy stuff covering your skeleton? What was the wet slimy thing in your mouth that moved when you spoke?

You wanted to know everything.

“Welcome to life, kiddo.” He turned, showing you his giant room filled with all sorts of trinkets, objects far too advanced for your knowledge at that point, but fascinated you nevertheless. “It’s gonna be a wild ride.”

For the first time, you weren’t the only one that experienced this emotion: Hope.

#Bucky barnes #Bucky barnes x reader #Bucky x reader #Bucky #Bucky fic #Bucky fanfics #the winter soldier #the winter soldier x reader #Tony stark #Tony stark x reader

44 notes · View notes

ao3feed-larry · 4 years ago

Text

there ain’t nothin’ common ‘bout us

by angelica_barnes

In the end, their love story is the simplest one there is. Despite how messy and complicated the plot may be, drama and heartbreak hidden around every corner, their story is simple. It was when it began, and it remains so.

Their story, quite simply, goes like this: five boys meet.

They fall in love.

or,

The world ends, and suddenly Harry, Niall, Zayn, Liam, and Louis are alone in a haunted house in the middle of nowhere.

Words: 13631, Chapters: 1/5, Language: English

Series: Part 1 of there ain’t nothin’ common ‘bout us

Fandoms: One Direction (Band)

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Categories: Multi

Characters: Harry Styles, Niall Horan, Zayn Malik, Liam Payne, Louis Tomlinson, Taylor Swift, Eleanor Calder, Ed Sheeran, Perrie Edwards, Gigi Hadid, Danielle Peazer, Sophia Smith, Simon Cowell, and an elephant

Relationships: Niall Horan/Zayn Malik/Liam Payne/Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson (past), Zayn Malik/Liam Payne (past), Niall Horan/Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson (brief), Niall Horan/Zayn Malik, Zayn Malik/Harry Styles, Zayn Malik/Louis Tomlinson, Liam Payne/Louis Tomlinson, Liam Payne/Harry Styles, Niall Horan/Liam Payne, Niall Horan/Harry Styles, Niall Horan/Louis Tomlinson, Harry Styles & Taylor Swift, One Direction (Ensemble) & Taylor Swift, Zayn Malik & Taylor Swift, Ed Sheeran/Taylor Swift, Eleanor Calder & Louis Tomlinson, Taylor Swift & Louis Tomlinson, Perrie Edwards & Gigi Hadid & Zayn Malik, Liam Payne & Danielle Peazer & Sophia Smith, Niall Horan & Ed Sheeran, Ed Sheeran & Harry Styles

Additional Tags: they're all asexual (sex-neutral/positive), why because i'm ace and starved for representation that's why, also because it fit the narrative but that's not important, see this is what happens when, i read Pride & Prejudice, listen to Taylor Swift’s “folklore”, and watch 1D crack videos all in one day, also "Canada" by Lauv & Alessia Cara and "Common" by ZAYN can be blamed for this, their sanity is questionable in this, ATTENTION EVERYBODY:, if you’re ever sad, just imagine Louis singing "The Principal" by Melanie Martinez to Simon Cowell onstage, or Zayn singing "I Don't Need Your Love" from SIX to the boys and Simon Cowell, WARNING: i have no idea how record players work so just work with me here okay, think the house from "Knives Out" but taller and more chaotic, I DO NOT CONDONE THIS IDIOTIC BEHAVIOR BY THE WAY, IF YOU HAVE A MENTAL OR PHYSICAL DISORDER SEEK HELP FROM MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS, DESPITE WHAT BAD Y/A FILMS WANT YOU TO THINK LOVE DOES NOT CURE ALL, BE SAFE AND HEALTHY KIDS, take care of yourselves, this was supposed to be a 20k quick write, to get out all my feelings during my one direction relapse, and instead it turned into this, there’s a strong possibility i may’ve accidentally made Louis schizophrenic, no you don’t understand, i just wanted an excuse to write the boys wearing soft grey sweaters that are too big for them, watch as i overload you with symbolism and details (PAY ATTENTION), this is gay, i edit my own shit and die like a genderfluid legend, somebody please read this, i poured my entire life into this story for six months and if nobody reads it i WILL cry, some of the relationships in this are pretty unhealthy for awhile, But they get better, because communication is important and actually happens, what a shock, I know, i am going to put you through hell with this story, SO, ya know, apologies in advance, Implied/Referenced Acephobia, Internalized Acephobia, this was supposed to be funny, It is not, that, Louis eats messily because I said so, he stuffs his pancakes in his mouth until he’s got chipmunk cheeks, crying crying crying, and then some more crying, oh my lin there’s so much crying, Unconventional Relationship, Complicated Relationships, you have no fucking idea how proud of this i am, i mean i'm a little ashamed, because this is the first book i've ever written, and it's about one fucking direction, but whatever ya know love is love, alternatively titled: i relapsed hard into my one direction obsession, except i have since evolved as a writer, because i started writing these when i was twelve and they were 5k max, and now i’m sixteen and i have this shit on my hands, I’m sorry, i apologize for all of this, my bad - Freeform, this is apparently the kind of fucking shit i write now, I am so sorry, Alternate Universe - Apocalypse, it's just 2020, Angst with a (Realistic) Happy Ending, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Bittersweet Ending, Angst with a Happy Ending, Sad with a Happy Ending, i swear to you this was supposed to be a funny story, i don’t know what happened, why do all of my characters always end up being certifiably insane, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Getting Back Together, Love Confessions, Friends to Lovers, Pining, Introspection, Reflection, Fluff and Angst, Domestic, Families of Choice, Unconventional Families, Magic, Magical Realism, yeah i really just came for everyone’s souls here, forgive me for stealing your livelihood, i didn’t mean to destroy you, also my bad if i gave any of you existential crises, it was mostly an accident, Everything is Beautiful and Everything Hurts, Post-Zayn One Direction, Zayn Malik Leaves One Direction, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Self-Harm, Suicide, Bulimia, Anorexia, Schizophrenia, Drug Addiction, Drug Withdrawal, Panic Attacks, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Overdosing, i promise there's actually fluff in here, there's a lot of fluff in here, it's just always just a little bit sad, fuck this has so many tags, The Author Regrets Nothing, The Author Regrets Everything, Regret, Guilt, Abuse, Unhealthy Relationships, Fame, okay i'll stop now i'm sorry bye, please please please somebody enjoy this, or at least parts of it, also there's a lot of soulmates and ghosts, a fuckton of introspection that i should probably apologize for, but am really not all that sorry about, okay i'm really done now promise

via AO3 works tagged 'Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson' https://ift.tt/3nbKyj5

#author #larry stylinson #larry fic #ao3 feed larry #there ain’t nothin’ common ‘bout us #<p>by <a rel=

5 notes · View notes

splendidshinobi · 4 years ago

Text

FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST 2003 LIVE REACT: EPISODES 6-10

back at it again with the white vans

episode 6: the alchemy exam

alrighty then

um mustang calling edward “ed” is EXTREMELY offputting

ohhhhhhh noooooo not shou tucker

FUCK

im wholly unprepared

them all being in central instead of east is low key jarring like my brain isnt computing it

alexander’s intro is basically the same

nina bbyyyyy girl u deserved so much better

ed is such a fucking nerd...chemistry club modern au confirmed

god the more tucker talks the more i wanna beat his face in

al pretending to eat by tossing a potato in his armor i-

aww theyre playing in the snow theyre so pure

wonder how long thatll last

“bigger brother” and “little big brother” and ed doesnt even get mad

ed’s birthday party????????

A MELON? ED YOURE SO RUDE

so 03 had ed’s bday instead of elicia’s...CAUSE THEY GOT ELICIA IN THE WOMB

“it’s here!” “the tea?” “the baby!” hughes is a fuck head

ok so now they’re having elicia replace rush valley baby arc

this was winry’s time to shine in fmab i miss her

if winry isnt here who is gonna birth this baby

oh my god they just realized ed can use alchemy without a circle

no wonder he’s been using circles this whole time

SO ELICIA JUST POPPED OUT????? WHAT

STUFF ALEXANDER IN THE ARMOR AND PRETEND YOURE A TALKING DOG???

“i dont think thats very funny” NO ALPHONSE IT IS NOT

THEY KNEW EXACTLY WHAT THEY WERE DOING WITH THAT ONE I SWEAR TO GOD IN THIS ESSAY I WILL

damn bradley what up homie

im so thrown off by the way theyre doing the exam omg

seriously what the hell is fuhrer bradley’s purpose right now is he even the fuhrer in this i feel like they wouldve mentioned it

oh lord ed is about to impress everyone with his clappy hands

ok so next episode is nina FUCK

episode 7: night of the chimera’s cry

havoc babeeee

im gonna marry him my himbo king

also can RIZA DO SOMETHING PLZ

“huhhhhhhhh nina” ew tucker that was weirdly gross

wonder why

cant do it cant do it

do we think jean kirstein was modeled after jean havoc slightly looks wise

was that purposeful

ill have to google

serial killer who only targets women? it cant be scar...scar drinks respect women juice

barry or slicer bros maybe? um ok

why did we start with liore if they were just gonna hop right back into the past for a huge chunk of episodes idk

assessment day??? oh noodles

AL WHY DID YOU TELL TUCKER TO MAKE ANOTHER TALKING CHIMERA ALPHONSE NO

THE NOISE I EMITTED IM GONNA TAKE A LAP

im gonna FUCKING SCREAM

ed r u writing to winry??? that’s a bit out of character for u good sir

no tucker put that baby down

im gonna fucking SCREAM

aww he burned nina’s picture thats not sus at all

SHESKA!!!!!

wait does the ironblood alchemist know what tucker did to his wife? thats kinda the vibe im getting

SCARRRRRRRR

looking like a pirate too damn

his voice sounds different is that j michael tatum

apparently not it was dameon clarke in 03 ya learn something new everyday

ew elicia has a lot of hair for a FUCKING NEWBORN

ed really is such a cynic very suspicious of everyone as he should be really

basque grand knowS SOMETHING

oh jesus oh fuck oh god please do not TOUCH THAT BABY

ed and al snuck back in to the house well u know what its for the best

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

im gonna cry again please god no

FUCKING DIE SHIT HOLE

she’s hurting? oh my god

my sweet angel

ew his eyes!!!!!!!

tucker is such a fucking failure...like look at the chimera squad and greed’s theatre troupe being the way they are. ugh it really hits how fucking unfair it is

ed was really about to split them? boy you know better

where is nina going...im hurting

ed really tried to save her in this one

SCAR KILLS NINA IN THE STREETS???????? SIR

thats different

oh snap

oh FUCK

SCAR WHY DID YOU LEAVE HER BODY LIKE THAT

THE WAY SHE WAS ARRANGED ON THE WALL THAT WAS FUCKED UP

AND THEY FOUND HER LIKE THAT???? AT LEAST IN BROTHERHOOD THEY DIDNT HVE TO SEE HER CORPSE ARE YOU SHITTING ME?

that was fucked.

episode 8: the philosopher’s stone

can yall get ed and al away from nina’s fucking MURAL

get out of the car mustang

finally jesus christ

roy mustang talking about healthy coping mechanisms dont make me laugh but alright baby boy go off i guess?

im curious about who this goddamn serial killer is though lets turn to that plot thread

r u kidding me

mustang is making ed and al take over tucker’s research?? thats actually wildly messed up

oh tucker was straight executed that’s a choice i guess

tucker and the philosopher’s stone sounds inaccurate but ok

ed please stop being mean to your brother

03 mustang has got me reaching for a fucking baseball bat on GOD

scar and edward having this conversation right now i literally cannot

WINRY yes bitch

BRADLEY WHAT IN TARNATION

JESUS LORRRRRRDDDDDDDDDDDD

alphonse shut your mouthhhhhhhhhhh

im so confused what is bradley up to

“alchemists are not cold blooded murderers?”

i mean

kimblee would beg to differ for one

whos this creepy lady

her voice sounds familiar

barry’s food shop?

the killer is barry ok got it

IS BARRY DISGUISED AS A WOMAN

I KNEW THAT WAS JERRY JEWELL’S VOICE

WELL I KNEW IT SOUNDED FAMILIAR AT LEAST

WINRY GET OUT OF THE FUCKING TRUCk

has PINAKO TAUGHT YOU NOTHING

ok so i VASTLY prefer suit of armor original manga canon barry

this is such an odd plot what in fuck

um OW the meat cleaver

im so confused this fucking plotline

oh hey alphonse nice of you to show up!

is barry still gonna become a suit of armor later on

it makes NO SENSE to introduce him otherwise

everytime i see 03 mustang i wanna beat his ass HONESTLY

literally i will shove my foot up his ass

fullmetal here we go

ed thinks he’s so punk rock

oh great scar’s seen the watch

episode 9: be thou for the people

ed you simp buying winry all this stuff my edwin heart is ascending

SIMP SIMP SIMP

“mr. elric”?? you mean MAJOR ELRIC

to be fair though fuck the military

YOUSWELL??? oh LORD

im gonna need to read a full chronology of this show

alphonse continues to be a precious angel

where’s my boy yoki!!!!!

edward you idiot don’t go flaunting your money

woof woof ed

al looks so offended by ed saying they just met

whereas in brotherhood didnt he totally throw ed under the bus???

a choice to be sure

ah there he is hello yoki

who’s the chick

shes a lesbian

yoki makes me miss my baby girl mei chang

mei where r u

WAS THIS MILITARY DUDE REALLY ABOUT TO CUT DOWN A CHILD??? oh my god

hawkeye getting a promotion yes bby girl

jesus theyre transferring them to east now OKKKKKAY thats not how it happened it the book but ill take it....just doing it the opposite way i guess

who is lyra who is she

cute some military bribery

umm lyra what the fuck did you do

lyra is a homunculus im callin it now

they definitely invented/changed up some homunculi in fact im certain they did and shes one of em. gotta be

i feel like 03 wrote ed as much more insensitive towards others than he really is...just a vibe im getting

i know he was faking for the townspeople’s sake but i still get this vibe from other instances

i mean i cant say its not “canon” because its 03 canon

anyways what a show off

i cant believe theyre going to east...fuery and breda better be there

ok finally some answers on their ages....ed got his license at 12 like normal and nina and youswell were when he was 12...liore was 15,

if they didnt flash the ages on the screen id be lost honestly

at least we’re back up to “present day”

episode 10: the phantom thief

ed saying he doesnt wanna see mustang

same

03 mustang is activating my fight or flight and im choosing fight

ed cheating at cards totally checks out

um who the fuck is this woman

what is she wearing

SERIOUSLY WHAT IS THAT CUTOUT MAAM HOW DO YOUR C**CHY LIPS NOT POKE OUT

idk but this is fem!hisoka

“hey shouldnt we talk first” after getting handcuffed??? christ almighty these innuendos

siren??????? siren is probably also a “fake” homunculus

ugh

ok so the nurse is siren

ya aint slick girly

alphonse control your crush

I REFUSE!!!! ALMEI RIGHTS

why is al’s hair so brown in this flashback anywayssss

oh its spelled psiren ope

like she’s literally a batman villain...

oh my god...............the tiddy grab. my son would never

my son is respectful

is this her homunculus tat or just a random alchemy tat

the added plotlines and original content continue to confuse and astound me every single time....

ok but if psiren really was doing this for the hospital she wouldnt be so flashy about it. like thats how you get caught sweet cheeks

girly stop flirting with this child on god im gonna fucking kick you

now shes a nun????????????????

Shes a fucking troll i hate her

im going to kick alphonse into the sun

oh great now shes a teacher

wow shes a savior. the savior of amestrian venice. greatttttt

ed looking exactly like this emoji on this gondola rn 🧍‍♀️

STOP FLIRTING WITH THE CHILD

GOD THIS IS SO BATMAN VILLAIN ESQUE

alphonse plzzzzzzzzzz she aint your girl

ok so probably not the last we see of this ding dong con artist

ok so its starting to get muddy. im scared the 03 stans are gonna come after me like i do like it and im having fun watching it but some of the plot and characterization choices are just....odd??? idk i gotta keep going though!! im sorry i just stan arakawa and her work in all her glory!!!

#carol watches fma03 #fullmetal alchemist #carol's remaining brain cells #this is fun for me and no one else #whatever i dont care about anyone else on this website anyway #this is my stupid hole

3 notes · View notes

sirpeachess-casual · 5 years ago

Note

(First: your Dick fics are everything I’ve been searching for. Watching Titans I was like... so Dick is depressed, obviously. But couldn’t find docs on it???) Do you take fic prompts? If so: (tw: depression) 1. Depressed Dick and protective/caring Donna through the years 2. Five times Donna carried Dick (fluff, angst, h/c, whatever, just big sister Donna even when they’re both adults)

Please Mr. Robin

Part 2 of the Catching Dick Grayson series

Summary: In which Dick loses it before his GCPD swearing-in ceremony. Donna and Tommy Edwards pick him back up.

Warnings: Depression, panic attack

Three hours. Three hours - or one-hundred eighty minutes - until he was to be sworn in as the most recent detective of the GCPD in front of a small crowd of family, friends, and press with Police Commissioner Jim Fucking Gordon doing the honors. In three hours his nine months spent as a badge would be behind him. He was about to officially become a suit, officially join the side of the law - the side of justice and visibility. Scrutiny and investigation. Working with the badges and the last remaining vestiges of Dent's justice system rather than for or, in most cases, against them. He was about to become a good and proper, upstanding citizen of Gotham's limelight; there was no room in him anymore for vigilantes or their justice. In three hours, he would become something new - something more than Robin.

Bruce hadn't been invited. Then he had been. Then Dick had rescinded it. Eventually, he just fucking sent the invitation and then spent the following two days in his bathtub laboring over if he had made the right decision. Thinking about all the things Bruce would say if he did come. Stressing over all the things he would say when he didn't. Dick's relationship with Bruce was complicated, that much was certain. It was thin ice; suddenly the man he had grown up under was a spiderweb of cracks in his icy armor. Dick was walking on eggshells around him and he was on the completely opposite side of the city.

Dick didn't doubt for a second Bruce knew exactly what he was doing, though. Gotham's Golden Boy joining the police department? Finally entering the justice system to keep more kids like him from getting orphaned? And right here, on their own soil, no less? Not only that but now he was being promoted to Detective in record time. It was unheard of, remarkable, and the title of every bi-weekly tabloid for the last ten months.

Little did they know, their Golden Boy was hyperventilating and shaking and debating very heavily whether to press send on the phone number he had dialed. Donna was, of course, the first person he invited. Though, the conversation was more of an interrogation on her part, demanding date and time and specifics of what to wear - something proud but not flirty. Something dignified but dear god please no pearls. She wasn't a pearl type of woman, and they weren't the pearl type of friends. Inviting Alfred and Barbara wasn't even a question. Dawn and Hank needed more deliberation, though, and Donna finally convinced him it would be a nice gesture even if they weren't expected to show up.

That had been a good night. An evening of pizza and Crosby, invitations scattered around the apartment like landmines. Donna had rolled her eyes and called him the worst bridezilla she had ever known. And she had been a bridesmaid for Jade Nguyen of all people.

Two and three-quarters of an hour until it all came crashing down around him. Turns out, Rome didn't fall in one night. It came down in one-hundred and sixty-eight minutes from now after Jim Gordon made his speech. After the pleasantries were given. After Dick raised his right hand, made an oath, and they gave him a shiny new badge for all of his troubles.

Alfred would come. Barbara would be front row with a camera. Dawn and Hank appreciated the gesture (he hoped). Donna was on the way - a mere phone call away.

When he couldn't breathe anymore and the thoughts got too loud, the circles they ran in too tight, and his head spun trying to think past them, he called her.

"Hey, we're still another thirty minutes out but should be there in just in time to sit with Barbara and the others." Alfred. Not Bruce. Bruce wouldn't come.

He didn't respond, just hyperventilated into the mic as the sound of her voice sent him spinning the opposite direction.

"Dick?"

"I...I can't... Donna, I just - I don't deserve..."

"Are you at your apartment?" She almost sounded like she had expected this. Like she had been through this script so many times before, a rehearsal wasn't necessary. (And she had. They both knew public speaking, crowds, brown-nosing and ceremonies weren't his thing. Neither was healthy coping mechanisms and I love you, but you need therapy, Dick. From someone other than me, preferably.

"No, don't... Don't come."

"I'm on the way." She turned away to relay the situation and he lowered himself to his back, flat on the floor. His shoulders ground into the cold wood as he gasped for every short breath he could get. He had been doing so well. It had been so long without an attack. But, like a hurricane looming over the horizon, all he needed was the right ingredients and the perfect storm would be churning within him in no time. It never really went away; just got less likely for a season.

"Dick, get up and go put on a record. I'm 25 minutes out. Which one were you playing last?"

He hesitated. "I... I don't..."

"Go. Check."

He did, squinting at the label. "Crosby." From the other night. He hadn't changed it, hadn't had the strength to finalize his decisions by flipping the vinyl over. Also hadn't had time, what with a beat to walk and interviews to lie through and paperwork to put off.

"Star Dust again?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. Find Mr. Sun."

"By Edwards?"

"Yes, by Edwards. That's the one with the, y'know, sing to her..."

"...Mr. Robin, yeah," he chuckled sadly. "And Mrs. Moonlight; put in a word for me." It was a family favorite, Please Mr. Sun by Tommy Edwards. Something his mom would hum under her breath and his dad was bellow from the tippy top of the center ring. Dick himself had done his first triple somersault to whisper to her, Mr. Wind.

It was third in the pile, his fingertips finding the well-loved sleeve like the hands of a lover stroking a familiar cheek.

"Put it on," Donna instructed. "Play it."

"It'll be loud," he whined, slipping it into place. Confrontational bastard. Always arguing, even when she was talking him down from tearing himself apart before his big day.

"Good. Blast it. Who gives a shit if your neighbors complain?"

.,.,.,.,.,.,.,

By the time she got to his apartment, using the key he always kept hidden in the doorframe like the human disaster he was, he was slumped against the end table in his living room, temple resting uncomfortably against the record player. The record spun, Tommy Edwards' tinny voice filling the space.

She sighed, but kept her pity to herself. Pity wasn't what he needed right now, though he knew he had it and more to spare. Dick dragged his eyes to meet hers, pulled in like two stray comets caught in the gravity of her blazing sun.

"Hey," she greeted tiredly but not unkindly, dumping her purse by the door. She kicked off her shoes and they landed somewhere.

He turned away bashfully, sorrowful and embarrassed.

"You're not gonna tell me I look nice?" Hiking her short dress up, she sat cross-legged next to him. Back pressed to the wall and shoulder wedged into his side.

"You look nice."

"I know." She opened her arms and he leaned into them greedily. Despite their height differences, they fit together like two pieces of a puzzle. Years of practice had made squeezing his lengthy frame into her easy, as familiar as crawling into bed or wearing his favorite sweater. Except those didn't hug back. "You get it all out by now?" she wondered, stroking his back.

With a silent cry and hitch in his breathing, another wave of tears rolled down his cheeks and he turned into her deeply, squeezing with neediness. He could squeeze as tightly as he wanted and she wouldn't bruise. It was a limit they discovered years ago and he had taken full advantage of it ever since. Because sometimes his hands could be too rough. Sometimes his fists hurt as much as his words. And she could take them all, matching and redistributing until he was sober (back to his right mind) enough to apologize.

She checked her watch even as she pulled him closer. "You've got little over two and a half hours. Have you eaten?"

His head shook against her shoulder.

"Of course you haven't."

He sniffed and she recognized the sound of it like the chorus of a famous song. Dick Grayson was a man with many hearts. The kind of person who gave a piece of himself to everyone he loved. It left him full of holes, though, when they inevitably broke his heart, shattered his soul, used and abused him because he deserved better. And those holes had very distinct sounds whenever he tried in vain to fill them with salty tears. This one was about Bruce. Because it was fucking always about Bruce.

"Come on, you invited him. You sent the invite. What he does with it isn't on you," she cooed, shifting so he could curl more comfortably against her.

"He's... he's not going to - he won't come."

She made a face. "Probably not. Probably because he thinks you don't want him there."

"I don't."

And wasn't that something she had heard on repeat so many times in the last four weeks. Almost as if, the more he said it, the truer it would become.

She patted him on the back exactly twice. "Sure, Bird Boy. Whatever you say."

"That one's my fav'rite."

"I know."

They sat in quiet for a long moment. Occasionally, the crying would start again and he would start muttering nonsensically. She had a lifetime of experience translating broken Dick Grayson tears, though, and would reply expertly and calmly, soothing him sometimes and often letting him ramble his thoughts away.

Eventually, she checked her watch again. Two-ish hours to go. "I'm going to make you some food. And you are going to eat it. If you want to cry until it's done, fine, but once you eat you aren't allowed to anymore, got it? Not until we get through this stupid ceremony, at least."

He gulped down a swallow, nodding reluctantly. "You don't have to go."

"Oh no. I want to hear what good old Jimbo has to say. And to you of all people." Went without saying that the Commissioner would be more than pleased to have a Bat on the force - officially, at least. It was a conversation Dick had had in length with him before being offered the promotion. Being a badge was good for the young man, but it wasn't where he would be best utilized. Besides, a suit would transfer easier if (when) he did end up leaving Gotham. And also because Jim wanted to be sure Dick wasn't doing all of this as a fuck you to his old man. And Dick wasn't about to work for a man who would promote him solely because of his vigilante ties.

"Good." Rising to her feet, Donna reset the record needle and started the song over. She hummed along, shoving her shoes out of the way. The kitchen was stocked with dust and barren cupboards, but she found a leftover deli sandwich in the fridge that would have to do. And one cupcake. "Cupcake?"

Dick chuckled, wiping his eyes and resuming his position against the wall. He turned the record player down several notches and timed his breathing to the rhythm. "From Mr. Craps."

"Mr. Craps made you one single cupcake?"

"Left over from his... grandson's graduation? Thought - said he thought I was looking a little thin."

Donna smirked, slamming the sandwich into the microwave. "Knew I liked that man."

"He's sweet."

Dick cried until his lunch was ready. At which point he wiped his eyes, took a long second to settle his breathing, then slowly munched on his meal. It wasn't enough to make him full, but for his queasy stomach, it was just enough to satisfy. Donna helped herself to half of the cupcake, swiping a generous dollop of frosting off the top. They toasted their halves. It took another long moment for the war between Dick's heart and head to decide if he deserved the sugary treat. In the end, his sweet tooth won (like it always did) and he enjoyed the stale piece of cake a lot more than he expected to.

As she gathered the dishes, she instructed him to go take a shower. It didn't matter if he already had today; he needed another one. And hurry too, because they would need to leave soon if he was going to get there on time. He agreed silently, because arguing would be pointless, and emotionally scrubbed the tears and snot from his face. He almost broke down again in the sanctuary of hot water and soap, but the weight in his stomach reminded him he wasn't allowed to until this whole ordeal was other with. He sucked it up and emerged shortly after, dressed in a sharply pressed uniform, cap under his arm, hair swept nicely to its proper position, and no longer looking like he wanted to die.

She surprised him with a sneak photo from her phone and said Alfred would be proud of his lines.

#titans #titans dc #dcu titans #dick grayson #robin #donna troy #wonder girl #depression #panic attack #oh my dear dear mousey! you speak my language!#writing #whump #hurt dick grayson #dick grayson whump #the many lives of donna troy

28 notes · View notes

our-flag-means-death-ao3feed · 2 years ago

Text

When the Evening Pulls the Sun Down

by mothmerchant

Something isn't right…

Stede knows this feeling. This floating, foggy feeling that fills his mind whenever it so pleases. He can't remember when it started, but he dreads it each time it approaches him. It fills him with a vulnerability he'd hoped to have left behind in childhood. That overwhelming feeling of helplessness, as if he were a frightened child, consumes him.

Words: 4470, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Fandoms: Our Flag Means Death (TV)

Rating: Not Rated

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Categories: M/M

Characters: Stede Bonnet, Blackbeard | Edward Teach

Relationships: Blackbeard | Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet

Additional Tags: Age Regression/De-Aging, Age Regression Little Stede Bonnet, Age Regression Caregiver Blackbeard | Edward Teach, Stede Bonnet Needs a Hug, Blackbeard | Edward Teach Loves Stede Bonnet, Stede has trauma but we all knew that already, Caretaking, Cuddling & Snuggling, Pre-Relationship, Anxiety Attacks, Hurt/Comfort, Nonverbal Communication, Stede is nonverbal for the entire fic, healthy coping mechanisms!, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Autistic Stede Bonnet, Light Angst

source https://archiveofourown.org/works/45417379

#Our flag means death #ofmd #https://archiveofourown.org/works/45417379

0 notes

empaath · 4 years ago

Text

@lawatsakil sent : did jasper consciously try to alter his accent to sound less southern or did he just naturally assimilate to the cullens the longer he was around them?

to a point yes.

as he moved away from the south, he tried to distance himself from that life. seeing how the rest of the world saw the southern states, and feeling ashamed of his own heritage, he started trying to imitate edward and rosalie’s more... transatlantic accents. there’s also a whole lot of stigma, that anyone with a southern accent is much slower. jasper hates it, so he often tries and hides it. he also finds himself picking up the words and colloquialisms that they carry.

he can get away with not sounding this way for a while, except when he’s distressed or overwhelmed. then his accent will slip. he’ll start speaking more like he used to. it’s not uncommon for him to slip when he’s feeling overwhelmed or more commonly, especially through the events of eclipse and the newborn army, he starts having resurfacing memories of what he did and slips quicker into his texas drawl.

whilst mocked at the start for it, jasper finds his family, particularly emmett, trying to get him to embrace the southern roots that jasper hails from and jasper feels a little more comfortable speaking like normal. not all the time, but what used to be a coping mechanism for feeling overwhelmed, he makes into a healthy change into just being him and who he is.

#|| head down till the work is done || answered #|| how much of my story do you know ? || headcanons

1 note · View note

sailoreuterpe · 5 years ago

Text

Part of the reason that I identified with Bella as a younger woman was that I thought Meyer was going to actually do something with Bella’s (apparent to me) mental illness. I saw a lot of myself in Bella. I still do, when I look at the broader strokes of her character.

I grew up in a dysfunctional home. Although I moved in the opposite direction from Bella and matured slower as a result, the same fear of rejection and feelings of inadequacy took hold. I also did well in school as a coping mechanism, and I also had few friends and fewer admirers. I’m still a bookish nerd, and I still cling to anyone who shows me even a smidge of affection.

What I thought I saw in Bella was a girl like me latching onto the first person who put her first. I saw a girl depressed and lonely, in an unhealthy family situation, mistaking similarly unhealthy attention as a boon. Because at least someone was finally paying attention.

But then Meyer makes it clear through interviews and her writing that Bella isn’t “sick” and Edward’s (and Jacob’s) actions are supposed to be seen as healthy and romantic. Bella’s own actions of jealousy and possessiveness aren’t unhealthy responses to undiagnosed mental illness or unresolved PTSD; they’re grand gestures of the Purest Love to Exist.

Bella goes into a months-long sorrow so deep that she has night terrors, and it’s not mental damage; it’s just an expression of the greatest love. Bella throws herself off of a cliff and it’s not a suicide attempt; it’s a rational response to try and invoke Edward’s memory. Bella becomes a vampire to tie herself forever to Edward (and by proxy his family), and it’s not her desperate bid to never be alone again; it’s just her destiny to be a vampire.

The seeds of a really beautiful story about mental illness are in the Twilight series. Bella could have been a role model for people, especially young women, struggling with depression and other disorders. As the fandom can attest, we’ve taken the smallest saplings of character and helped them to grow into fanfiction, headcanons, and metas.

But Meyer herself soundly denies any interpretation of the story where anyone has any mental problems beyond, “I’m sad because of romantic love.” Charlie barely knows his only child but Bella focuses on how Charlie still misses Renee. Leah’s father died but Jacob complains that Leah is bitter over Sam. Even Edward in Midnight Sun zeroes in on everyone’s crushes on him and Bella, because that’s all that matters to Meyer. Every valid situation and trauma is shunted aside to make room for more romantic nonsense.

It’s a disservice to the story and it’s unfair to readers like me who could have used the representation. There’s so few positive characters with explicit mental illness in media. We’re the annoying hangers-on, the comic relief, and the psycho villains. We rarely get to be fleshed-out supporting characters, let alone the unambiguous protagonists.

Bella could have been a testament to thriving despite mental illness. At the very least, she could have been an example of healing from trauma. Instead, she’s just another “Not Like Other Girls” main character who gets everything she ever wanted through little interaction of her own.

I am like other girls. And I can’t identify with that.

#Twilight #Twilight Saga #The Twilight Saga #Books #Literature #meta #Notes by Nikki #Bella Swan #Bella Cullen #mental illness #mental health #tw: depressive #long post

19 notes · View notes

femchef · 5 years ago

Text

Suffer Bitch Ficlist

What This List Is: A collection of fics that I’ve read that absolutely fuck me up emotionally, and that I appreciated/loved/needed/have impacted me enough that I’ve saved them for re-reading. If these were paperbacks, the pages would have started falling out long before now.

That said, everything on this list has an emotional resolution (even the few incomplete ones I’ve chosen to include). Nothing on this list is the kind of emotional devastation that leaves the reader feeling empty and used* because honestly I need resolution, and I hate the type of #realism that makes me go “Well what was the fucking point, then”. This list is not comprehensive; if you’re in these fandoms, you’ve likely brushed up against them before. The majority of these authors are well-known, and some of these fics have been around longer than I’d like to be reminded.

So - what qualifies a fic for this list, anyway?

Tears and snotty sobbing. Everything on this list has made me cry and also given me emotional chills to some degree in order to make the cut.**

Before You Read: Take any warnings I list below seriously. If it’s something that will fuck you up in a bad way, then don’t read it. Don’t open the link. We all have things that are no-go’s. Full disclosure? I can’t read anything with graphic depictions of sexual assault, though mentions, allusions to, or mild/non-graphic depictions (ex. fade to black scenarios, fuzzy memory recall, etc.) don’t bother me. I take those tags and author’s notes seriously when I’m choosing what to read. Similarly, I’m pretty blasé about a lot of gore or body horror - except, specifically, when someone is rolling around in a pit of used needles (thanks for that, Saw movies). Guess what I avoid reading? In short: be a responsible reader. Don’t be self-destructive and proceed with however much caution you require.

*a life of smoke and silvered glass is an outlier and should not be counted.

**As a baseline, please keep in mind that the first time I read JRRT’s The Two Towers, I threw my book across the room when I got to the end. Also, the scene in Whale Rider where Paikea is on stage is the one time I started gross-sobbing in a movie theatre. Make of that what you will.

On to the list!

Suffer Bitch Ficlist:

(Presented to you in order of least impactful to most)

Invitation/Complication

It’s Green

Skin Deep

a life of smoke and silvered glass

Practicing Liars

Family Night

A Wicked Game

A Piercing Comfort

Loud and Clear

Humans and Ghosts

Digging for the Bones

Chivalry

In Care Of

A Year Like None Other

Stay

Under Wing

Distorting Equivalency

I’m Not Broken (I Can’t Be)

[The following are in no particular order because I couldn’t decide]

19. Sacrifices Arc

20. Phantom of Truth/Shadow of a Doubt

21. Like One Sundered Star

1. Invitation/Complication Series [Homestuck]

By saffronHeliotrope

You don’t need reminding that everyone is pairing off while you have village-bicycled your way through this group of morons as if you’d never run out of time.

It occurs to you that maybe you need new friends.

Word Count: 8,033

Status: Complete

This series contains two works, one taking place immediately after the other. Have fun angsting with Dave because he can’t seem to wrap his mind around this whole ot3 thing with John and Rose (on their wedding night, ofc). Consenting (if slightly dumb) adults and polyamory all around.

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/series/132165

2. It’s Green [Harry Potter]

By Doodled93

Harry grows up working on his Aunt’s Garden and develops a love for it, meeting Samuel and eventually Max, who gives him a Mark of his own. This Mark is changing him, making him more different than he already was, and he loves it.

Word Count: 88,549

Status: WiP

This is marvelous kidfic - lots of good fluff. Except. You know - that one OC death that was so heart wrenching that you start bawling. The concept of magical tattoos in this fic is really nice, and Max - a prickly, rough and gruff tattoo artist is the best kind of unintentional parental mentor. The author hasn’t updated in some time, but they’ve also made a note that they’ll come back eventually when they’re ready to update to completion.

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/411709/chapters/683216

3. Skin Deep [Fullmetal Alchemist]

By Batsutousai

Trisha and Van’s first child, Edith, was born a beautiful, healthy girl. The only problem? Ed knew he was a boy.

Word Count: 17,083

Status: Complete

As you may have guessed from the description, this is a mostly canon AU featuring a trans Edward Elric. I love it, I appreciate how it was written, especially that it’s not a romantic plot - and not only was I crying after the first read, but rereads still give me the sniffles.

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8197400/chapters/18779738

4. a life of smoke and silvered glass [Harry Potter]

By dirgewithoutmusic

Albus Dumbledore rose to his feet, smiling at them in that way of his, like he knew something you didn’t and he was proud of you for it. “Friends,” he began.

The door thudded open and the Marauders burst in, late and pink-cheeked with cold. The headmaster smiled at them, too, and Sirius gave a cheery little salute back.

Severus sunk lower in his chair, staring witheringly over his butterbeer. “You told Potter about it, too?”

“He might as well put all that energy to good use,” said Lily. “And to be accurate, I told Remus.”

“But Potter, really?” said Severus.

“He and Black cooked up a jinx that gives you a boil every time you say a slur to a Muggleborn,” said Lily. “It was either invite them to Alice’s war club or bake them cookies, and I know where my skills lie.”

Severus sniffed. “Don’t come crying to me if he tugs your pigtails.”

“Come crying to me if he pulls yours, and I’ll deck him.” said Lily.

(Slight AU in which Severus apologizes, tries harder, and stays friends with Lily.)

Word Count: 22,794

Status: Complete

This is the Severus Snape that canon wanted. The greatest tragedy that never has to explicitly be spelled out (and the reason this fic is so heartbreaking and infuriating) is that the end results are the same.

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11457669

5. Practicing Liars [Harry Potter]

By Lomonaaeren

AU of HBP. Harry found out that he was Snape’s son two years ago, and he’s carefully concealed it. But now Snape is his Defense teacher, and Draco Malfoy is up to something, and Dumbledore is dying, and the final battle is coming up, and everything is getting very, very complicated.

Word Count: 206,306

Status: Complete

Oh boy, bring on the angst. A Severitus fic with a lot of bitter, petty feelings. Half Blood Prince is such a popular point in HP canon to veer off into AU territory (for good reason), and just - the timing, the missed opportunities, the growth. Lots of feelings. Also drarry.

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/990947/chapters/1955931

6. Family Night [Harry Potter]

By Celebony

As Hogwarts starts a quarterly Family Night, Harry is determined to take part. Facing the heartache of looking in all the wrong places, he’ll have to discover the true meaning of family, and that sometimes it comes from where you least expect it.

Word Count: 33,000

Status: Complete

Eventual Severitus fic. Unhealthy coping mechanisms, emotional abuse, anxiety, self-destructive behavior, angst, grief, and (eventually) healing and recovery - this fic has it all. To me, I think this is the author’s best work, but obviously I have a preference. Fans of Remus tread carefully, this story may not be for you.

Read here: https://m.fanfiction.net/s/2682144/1/Family-Night

7. A Wicked Game Series [Fullmetal Alchemist]

By Tierfal

Roy has lucked into the all-expenses-paid vacation of his dreams - all he has to do is convince a bunch of happy couples that he’s head-over-heels in love with Ed Elric. What could possibly go wrong?

[Modern!AU].

Word Count: 64,884

Status: Story is Complete, but Series is still open for possible future oneshots/additions

Currently three completed works in the series. Roy and Ed as struggling grad students who share lab space stuck in a cabin full of obnoxious couples. This story resonates so well for me, because it was the first time I read something where a character actively struggles with depression where I really felt like someone GOT IT. So, be warned - suicide mentions, depression, angst, and a lot of puns. Safe Roy/Ed, though if that’s not your jam, better take a miss.

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/series/372113

8. A Piercing Comfort [Harry Potter]

By talithan

When Harry Potter hits the lowest point of his life so far, it is not his friends who keep him honest. With Draco Malfoy’s patience and guidance, Harry learns to stand on his own. The thing is, after the fact - he’s no longer sure he wants to.

Word Count: 44,566

Status: Complete

This fic has art by onthecount! It’s lovely. Anyway - Oh my god. When I talk about things resonating on some, soul-deep level. The way depression, and trauma, and PTSD is handled is... Well. I don’t go back to this often, but it’s because (for me) reading this fic is cleansing. Draco and Luna as therapists running a burgeoning wizarding practice is pretty great. If you couldn’t guess by reading the summary, this is an eventual drarry fic - and I’ll be upfront, if the idea of dating your former therapists squicks you out, don’t read. I like how it’s written out, it doesn’t feel inappropriate, or like any sort of power imbalance to me, but I can see where that wouldn’t be everyone’s cup of tea either.

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/857495

9. Loud and Clear Series [Fullmetal Alchemist]

By Tierfal

The thing with Roy is founded on coffee snobbery and stupid text messages and seriously awesome makeout sessions in the car. Oh, and the love of a lifetime, or whatever.

Word Count: 280,924

Status: WiP

Currently there are six completed works, and one in-progress (with at least one more slated by the author). Also known as ‘The modern!AU Roy/Ed fluffball fic (of doom)’, there is emotional baggage/angst throughout that hints at darker things but nothing too dreadful until the fourth entry in the series, “Another One of Those Heartbreak Songs”. Anxiety, depression, war crimes, rape and consent (and, fyi, one of the best descriptions of what exactly enthusiastic consent IS, is in the current entry of the series, “The Boiling Point”) are all being dealt and felt in this story. Safe Roy/Ed fic that starts with a coffeehouse!AU style meetcute and follows the deepening relationship between Roy (established lawyer who works with veterans) and Ed (making the transition from struggling grad student to frazzled professor), and has a delightful dose of Al/Win tossed in. One of the most relatable things about this series is how all the terrible things about your worst relationships don’t really hit you until you’re smack in the middle of the best relationship you’ve ever had, and it’s ROUGH. Consider this your explicit warning: if mentions of rape/sexual abuse, or abusive ex’s set you off, don’t read.

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/series/167693

10. Humans and Ghosts [Danny Phantom]

By RedHeadsRock1010

If there was one thing Danny Fenton perfected since receiving his powers, it was how to pretend.

Word Count: 26,751

Status: Complete

ANGST. Angst and neglectful parents. Angst and neglectful parents and two siblings doing the best they can. Jazz is a real MVP in this story. Also blood and gore. And torture. Oh my god. Still makes me cry. Consider this your explicit warning: if mentions of torture, or neglectful/abusive parenting set you off, don’t read. While it’s not a religious fic, the impact of the parenting codes like some of the horror stories you might have heard about being in the closet and growing up with religious parents. You have been warned.

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12315771/chapters/27999459

11. Digging for the Bones [Harry Potter]

By Paganaidd

Rather than allowing Harry to stay at Diagon Alley after he blew up Aunt Marge, the ministry sends Harry back to the Dursley’s. Harry returns to school after a terrible summer, to find that he’s not the only one with this kind of secret. A student has been killed by his family. New screening measures are put into place by the Ministry: Every student must be given a medical exam and interview to look for child abuse. With Dumbledore facing an inquiry, Snape is entrusted with the task of making sure EVERYONE receives one.

Word Count: 203,178

Status: Complete

As the author warns before the fic, there is a character death in the first chapter. The story is an AU of Prisoner of Azkaban. Suicide, attempted suicide, and suicidal ideation are a big part of the story. Child abuse, death by child abuse (and the aftermath), ptsd, and the appalling effects of dementors on a castle full of kids are pretty central to the plot. Eventual Severitus. Also accidental necromancy. This is a monumental hurt/comfort fic and there are a LOT of feelings. And angst. Consider this your warning: if explicit attempted suicide, or suicidal thoughts set you off, don’t read. If mentions of physical abuse/child abuse set you off, don’t read.

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/598019/chapters/1078847

12. Chivalry Series [Harry Potter]

When Harry appears at the Welcoming Feast wearing a glamor only Snape notices. Snape decides to find out what the glamor is hiding.

You, the guiltless, will pay for your father’s sins,

Roman, until you repair the decaying

Temples and shrines of the gods, and their

Images, filthy with blackening smoke.

When you act as servant of the gods, you rule:

From them all beginning, leave them the ending.

Horace, Odes III-6

Word Count: 123,467

Status: Series is marked as Ongoing, though individual stories are Complete

Welp. Angst, some explicit child abuse (specifically physically violent Vernon Dursley), grief and mourning, ptsd, accidental potions class disasters that lead to more angst, sickfic, hurt/comfort, blood, gore and violence, child neglect, and eventual found-family by way of Severitus and a developing sibling relationship between Harry and Luna. There is a lot to unpack here. The interactions between Harry, Luna and Severus are especially endearing and heartbreaking. This is your explicit warning: if explicit child abuse /physical abuse set you off, or if accidentally forced (yes, I know how that sounds) flashbacks set you off, don’t read.

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/series/12306

13. In Care Of

By Fangs_Fawn

During the summer before sixth year, Harry finds an injured bat in the garden and decides to try to heal it... and an unwilling Snape learns just what kind of a person Harry Potter really is.

Word Count: 45,319

Status: Complete

I’m gonna be upfront with you. Vernon and Dudley Dursley are very sadistic in this story. Tread with caution. That said, along with the angst this is a very solid hurt/comfort fic that is also a reciprocal hurt/comfort fic (in that, first Snape is helped, and then Harry). It’s a nice emotional exchange. Violence - explicit child abuse and torture, grief, and a very petulant animagus. This is your explicit warning: if physical torture/violence sets you off, don’t read.

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1023625/chapters/2036909

14. Like None Other Series [Harry Potter]

By aspeninthesunlight

A letter from home? A letter from family? Well, Harry Potter knows he has neither, but all the same, it starts with a letter from Surrey. Whatever the Dursley’s have to say, it can’t be anything good; so Harry’s determined to ignore it. But then, his evil schoolmate rival spots the letter and his slimy excuse for a teacher intercepts it and forces him to read it. And that sends Harry down a path he’d never have walked on his own.

It will be a year of big changes, a year of great pain, and a year of confronting worst fears. It will be a year of surprising discoveries, of finding true strength, of finding out that first impressions of a person’s true colors do not always ring true. It will be a year of paradigm shifts.

And from the most unexpected sources, Harry will have a chance to have that which he has never known: a home... and a family.

A sixth year fic, this story follows Order of the Phoenix and disregards any canon events that occur after book 5.

Word Count: 1,465,418

Status: WiP

Currently there are two completed works in this series, and one ongoing. This is a ROLLERCOASTER, omg. Terminal illness, child abuse, explicit, agonizing torture, grief and mourning, bad coping mechanisms, self-harm, self-destructive behavior - hurt/comfort out the wazoo. Eventual Severitus, this is a good, substantial found-family fic with a developing sibling relationship between Harry and Draco. I really appreciate that Severus, Harry and Draco continue to step on each other’s toes as the story moves along. They get as much wrong as they get right, and the familial development is natural. Harry does struggle a bit with the newer experience of a paternal Severus weighted by the previous years of his antagonism and petty behavior. Severus struggles with balance, Draco struggles with extremes - behavior, feelings, intrusive thoughts - it’s a very well-rounded story. This is your explicit warning: The torture is incredibly graphic, and there are needles involved. If that sets you off, don’t read.

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/series/41198

15. Stay [Danny Phantom]

By jaeger_soul

Dash Baxter is finally a senior and this year isn’t supposed to be hard. With nothing waiting on him after graduation, he might as well sleep through his classes. He’s already got a job after high school’s over, what’s the point of reaching for anything more? He’s fine with what he has. But when ‘more’ comes in the form of a black-haired boy with similar problems to his own, can Dash really not try for it?

Word Count: 817,287

Status: WiP

This is technically a series, since the author has written one companion piece from another character’s perspective for chapter 27 of the story. Oh my god. Dash is a sweet, sweet cinnamon roll who’s just trying to muddle his way through, and terrible things happen to him. This is not Dash the bully from the canon series. The endgame ship is Dash/Danny, and it is very slow-burn. Lots of hurt/comfort in this fic, and the author’s OC’s are incredibly fleshed out and wonderfully developed. Anxiety and panic attacks are pretty heavy in this story. Small town-typical homophobic slurs, make an appearance. Teenagers having sex with other teenagers is a thing. Mentions of abortion and teen pregnancy and unwanted pregnancy all happen later on. Mentions of suicidal thoughts and attempted suicide are plot points. Abusive and abused ex partners. Child abuse - emotional, mental and physical - is the heavy hitter in this story. It is explicit and painful and heartbreaking. Consider this your warning. ABUSE. Explicit, agonizing depictions of trauma, and being used as a bargaining chip between two different but equally terrible parents - if any of that sets you off, DO NOT READ THIS STORY.

Read here:https://archiveofourown.org/series/646532

16. Under Wing [Harry Potter/Katekyou Hitman Reborn Crossover]

By Reighost

Prophesies were tricky things and lies are even trickier. Sirius’s death becomes a catalyst and Dumbledore’s lies crumple like a house of cards. Harry is left with a burning question... Who is he really? Crossover with Katekyou Hitman Reborn!

Word Count: 145,771

Status: WiP

This story goes hard on the angst right out of the gate. And I do mean hard. Oh my god. A literal mindfuck that will leave you gasping. Psychological manipulation and torture, mind rape, body horror, and non-sexual indecent treatment of a corpse to start with. However, there is a lot of good content in this hurt/comfort fic. The author has not only brought HP and KHR together but has blended elements and characters from Spirited Away, Cardcaptor Sakura and xxxHolic together in such a way that despite all the horror, there’s actually a lot of redeeming charm. You will never find a better interpretation of the Hibari family than the Hibari’s that Reighost writes about in her universes, and this story contains a flashback to the Hibari parents meetcute and it is adorable and hilarious. While this is a wip, it’s at a very good stopping point that’s more or less the end of a story arc - so don’t let the thoughts of a slow wip put you off. This is your warning: Mind-control and mind-control recovery, and gore, all quite explicit. If that sets you off, DO NOT READ. There’s a reason this story is so far down the list.

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1123387/chapters/2264363

17. Distorting Equivalency [Fullmetal Alchemist]

By Ranowa Hikura

All Ed knows is that he’s been kidnapped by a madman.

Word Count: 173,000

Status: Complete

Go hard or go home. This is 27 chapters of kidnapping, explicit torture, and unethical alchemical experimentation with chimeras. All those feelings you have about Nina? Dial it up to eleven (to point out, Tucker and Nina are not featured characters in this story - unfortunately that disaster has already happened). A hurt/comfort fic with a very good resolution. Also becomes eventual Paternal!Roy and Ed. This is your warning: If explicit, repeated torture and body horror set you off, AVOID THIS FIC.

Read here: https://m.fanfiction.net/s/12116762/1/Distorting-Equivalency#end

18. I’m Not Broken (I Can’t Be) [Homestuck]

By [orphan_account]

Guys don’t get raped.

Okay, so maybe they do, sometimes. But that’s only when they’re ganged up in an alley way and shoved against a wall and get some other guy’s dick in their ass without permission. It’s forceful and bloody and masculine. At least, that’s how the media sells it.

But this isn’t rape.

When a girl buys you drinks and takes you home and crawls on top of you - well, that’s every guy’s wet dream.

When she’s grinding down onto you and her hands are holding yours to her breasts and she’s whispering filthy, filthy things into your ear, that’s not rape.

That’s not rape no matter how many times you say no.

Word Count: 33,386

Status: Complete

This is your explicit warning: Rape. The scene is non-graphic (lead-up with fade-to-black scenario) and takes place in the first chapter. Trauma, self-harm, suicidal ideation, destructive behavior, mentions of homophobia. If the summary of this story isn’t enough of a warning, then here you go. DO NOT READ if this is what sets you off. Hurt/comfort and ANGSTANGSTANGST aside, the aspect that I appreciate most about this story is how it deals with trying to come to terms with a trauma you don’t know how to articulate (to yourself or others). I don’t generally do stories that rely on miscommunication, but in this case, it makes sense: it’s less about miscommunication for the sake of plot, and more the lack of ability to articulate effectively, which. Yeah. Dark, angsty hurt/comfort that eventually ends on a positive, hopeful note. PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/777171/chapters/1462358?view_adult=true

DUN DUN DUN - THE BIG THREE

Let’s call it a three-way tie, because there is SO MUCH PAIN in each of these stories, honestly I really can’t pick an order for them.

19. Sacrifices Arc [Harry Potter]

By Lightning on the Wave

Harry’s twin Connor is the Boy Who Lived, and Harry is devoted to protecting him by making himself look ordinary. But certain people won’t let Harry stay in the shadows...

Word Count: 3,081,000

Status: Complete

Wrong Boy Who Lived. Severitus, Slytherin!Harry. Drarry. If those are on your radar, this may be the story for you. Just beware literally everything else. Torture, mind-control and manipulation, child abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse, neglect, rape, cannibalism (is it cannibalism when it’s a werewolf eating a human child), trauma, destructive behavior, violent loss of limb, blood, gore, viscera, necromancy - these are just some of the explicit things that take place in the series. There are eight works in the Sacrifices Arc, and they mirror the canon Harry Potter series in that they start at mild and slightly odd and become darker and more horrifying. This is a very, very long series, and it hits a lot of milestones within the HP fandom. There are lovely moments of tenderness, the OC’s are magnificent and well-developed, and while heavy-handed from time to time, the author explores notions of morality and spends a lot of time on magical theory and world-building. If you haven’t read Sacrifices Arc and want more information, google it’s tvtropes page. I would recommend doing so just to determine whether or not the story is safe for you to read if you’re concerned about it, because there is a LOT going on. Otherwise, start with the first story in the series (“Saving Connor”) and proceed with caution. You will absolutely be wrung out before you finish.

Read here: https://m.fanfiction.net/u/895946/

20. Phantom of Truth/Shadow of a Doubt [Danny Phantom]

By HaiJu

Locked away in a secret government lab with Phantom as her subject, nothing stands between Maddie and the truth... except, perhaps, herself.

Word Count: 366,000

Status: Complete

Do you want to get fucking wrecked? Because this series will do it. Holy shit. I still can’t believe I got through it. This is so well-written and so. Fucking. Painful. The first entry in the series, Phantom of Truth, absolutely GOES THERE. The second entry is... everything that comes after. I don’t feel like it spoils anything to tell you that Maddie is not the person who captures Danny Phantom, or that she does not know he’s her son. Make of that what you will. Also, the first story does have a good resolution and does not end on a cliffhanger, so if you need to take a break after, you should. Bonding happens, and I wouldn’t call it Stockholm Syndrome, since it’s between Maddie and Danny, but I also wouldn’t say it doesn’t overlap. This story is absolute fucking angst. Shadow of a Doubt explores not only the traumatic repercussions on Maddie and Danny and their relationship, but on their friends, family, acquaintances and even enemies. There are some very good OC’s that come into play later on. You know, between all the angst and pain. Tread carefully: If you think you’ll be set off by torture and abuse, DO NOT READ THIS FIC. I cannot stress that enough.

Read here: https://m.fanfiction.net/s/7476808/1/Phantom-of-Truth

https://m.fanfiction.net/s/9683169/1/Shadow-of-a-Doubt

[It’s worth mentioning that HaiJu has an ao3, but they haven’t finished crossposting Shadow of a Doubt to their account]

21. Like One Sundered Star Series [Homestuck]

By oriflamme

Who are these shining like one sundered star?

[Like kindled lights in untempestuous heaven,

Fair flower-like stars or the iron foam of fight.]

———

Teenage superheroes deal with hormones, mental illness, and extremely secretive guardians in a world of Horrorterrors, giant mutant lucii, mob violence, nightmares of a past life, warring anti-heroes, and asshole carapacians. Sburb AU divergence from Real Men Wear Tights.

Word Count: 1,712,155

Status: Complete

Welcome to the AU of an AU that did a double reach-around back into canon and became a reincarnation AU. It’s fucking excellent and also fucking traumatic. Body horror, blood and gore and viscera, torture, emotional manipulation, mind control, child abuse, emotional abuse, unhealthy coping mechanisms, attempted suicide/suicidal ideation, codependency, alcohol abuse, just to name a significant few. This is a huge pale-tango clusterfuck and it’s glorious. The world-building is insane. Richly developed OC’s, good use of languages, images that a slowly incorporated into a story of increasing breadth and complexity - and a fucking bombshell that will hit you really, really hard about midway through the story. So much pain. Again, this is another series with a tvtropes page that you should visit if you have any concerns before reading, because there is just that much going on. There are three works in this series, two are companions to the main body of work. Proceed with caution, because this will squeeze the life out of you.

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/series/56682

Welp.

#fic recs #violence tw #rape tw #abuse tw #literally think of a tw and insert here #proceed with caution

8 notes · View notes

notafraidofstopping876 · 6 years ago

Text

An apology and explanation to my followers who are probably sick of all my Twilight posts (and my general nonsense

Frankly, I’m amazed anybody is around for this garbage pile that is my Tumblr...but yeah I know Twilight has kind of taken over my blog lately so this is partially an explanation and also partially some lamenting/reflecting on the shit show that is my life

I’ll level with y’all. Back in 2008, I was in middle school and started reading the Twilight books and was instantly a Twihard. I went to the midnight releases, watched the films over and over, had all the merch, and spent hours on the fan sites and thought about the Twilight universe non-stop.

A large part of it was my fascination with the vampire lore within the book, the powers, the mythology. I had never been much into fantasy, but these gripped me, and so did the characters. Most of all...I was entranced by the love story.

(As an adult, I can definitely acknowledge that there are serious problems with the Edward/Bella relationship and series as a whole, but we’ll get back to that).

I don’t remember a time when I didn’t desperately want to experience a frenzied first love with a kind boy. I also don’t remember a time when I ever believed that would actually happen. I didn’t know this in 2008 but I was quickly developing what would lead to depression, anxiety, avoidant personality disorder, and a non-specified eating disorder. I truly loathed myself from a very early age and was very convinced that no one would ever love me in that way...not that I really knew anything about love at that age.

But I couldn’t help but notice, even in eighth grade, that I was all but invisible to the opposite sex. Over and over adults told me “Oh, boys are just immature, their hormones will kick in eventually too...” So I waited, all the while trying to be available and friendly, to put myself out there for the potential of dating. This continued through high school...and by the time graduation came I’d yet to have a slow dance with a guy and had only one kiss and date to speak of. (The kiss was on that date and was barely a peck on the cheek, which was then ruined when he tried to feel me up without my consent).

Meanwhile...anytime I opened one of the Twilight books, I was transported into a world where it was possible for a human girl who felt ordinary and out of place to catch the attention of a beautiful, chivalrous, glittering vampire who loved her with an unfathomable passion. Say what you will about Stephenie Meyer’s writing, but her words made me feel like I was the one being kissed, touched, worshiped, everything that I wasn’t in real life.

I wasn’t stupid, I knew not to expect a real-life Edward Cullen. If my track record was any indication, it was unlikely I’d have a sweeping romance, But I figured it couldn’t hurt to pretend a little and live in the fantasy world for a little bit until maybe, just maybe, I could at least find someone to hold my hand or buy me dinner or something.

So I went off to college and had become a closeted Twihard since the films had all now come out and the world as a whole was very “Anti-Twilight” and I was anxious and self-conscious enough to not want to be made fun of by my book-snob friends who made fun of it. I was optimistic about college, especially in the dating department. The new pool of people, surely my chances would be better here?

WRONG.

Okay, I did have a few happenings...mostly nonconsensual so I don’t count them. I had my first real kiss spontaneously with a stranger that I never saw again (and it was even better than I imagined), some boob action at a party with another guy I never saw again, and one date that had led nowhere. (To complicate things, I also figured out I was asexual my first year of college. While it did clear up a lot of things about myself, it also complicated my feelings about my non-existent love life).

I know what you guys are probably thinking...I know being in a relationship will in no way fulfill/fix me. I am a very messed up person and will be having to work through all my crap until I’m dead probably...but that doesn’t change my deep longing to find love, even if it’s just once.

Anyway, I’m out of college now. All of my crushes have turned and run to the hills, online dating has been a bust (only creeps ever message me). I have a great life, I really do, but the longing for love is still potent.

Randomly my roommate wanted to watch some throwback movies from our teen years and Twilight came up...we rewatched the first movie and it all came crashing back. Of course, now I had Tumblr and discovered the Twilight Renaissance was a thing and had an outlet for my inner Twihard to come out and play. I started rereading all of the books, and all of the Bella/Edward romance is hitting me just as hard as it does the first time. I can’t stop rereading all the passages of Edward being the gentlemen and romantic he is and falling in love with him again...it’s this INSANE dopamine rush just like when I was thirteen.

And that’s when it hit me...romantically, I have about the same level of maturity and experience as I did when I was thirteen. I’d long ago accepted that Edward Cullen was a fantasy...but I thought that by this point in my life, maybe I’d have had one relationship for the books.

So...that’s about where I’m at. I loathe myself, loathe how repulsive and/or invisible I am to men, and am using a hyperfixation on a fictional vampire as a coping mechanism. It’s probably not healthy but at least for a little bit, I can pretend that somebody is in love with me, even if they’re not real...because at this point I don’t think I’ll find anything or anyone else.

#shut up deb #i hate myself #edward cullen #twilight #the twilight saga #twilight renaissance #the twilight revival #twilight revival #the twilight renaissance #stephenie meyer #forever alone #single af

18 notes · View notes