#edit: WILD update!! am now back in bed and when I extend my right leg in a certain way

[what-even-is-sleep]

Lucid Dreams:

I dreamt I was standing unsteadily on top of a bucket and underneath was a large and angry snake. A crowd of friendly people and children stood nearby, definitely in danger if the snake escaped. Two people were helping me balance. The one on the left with a sturdy arm for me to grip, the one on the right dizzy on their feet—just enough to make me have to work to balance still. The one on the left had only two long fingers per hand, and each hand was burned blue and black.

[mycelier]

My name is Simone and I would like to tell you a tale!

I will not have access to my laptop for some days more and because writing on my phone is kind of painful (physically, because I am working on hand mobility now), this may end up in drafts and taking a while to post. I am going to share what has been happening the last 2 months because I feel like everything went from 0 to 100 in the span of a few weeks and its been really, really wild.

So!!! LETTUCE begin!

For roughly 5 years I've been struggling to get a diagnosis on an extremely painful area of my arm. There was literally nothing visible; no lump, discoloration or any other physical abnormality to indicate anything was wrong. I spent thousands on pretty much every kind of imaging you can do, and was told time and time again that there was nothing wrong and, perhaps, it was psychosomatic and I needed therapy or, more often than not, I was given a shrug and a vague "i dunno" response.

This year, something changed. I deal with chronic pain (my spine is congenitally fused in my neck and lower spine and I have baby bone spurs all over), and in the process of trying to work on that I brought up my arm again to a dr I no longer see. He'd told me my arm was SEVERAL things over the years I had been seeing him but this time said it was a fibromyalgia knot, something I had been told by a team of doctors some time before that. I said okay cool and was sent to a physical therapy rehab center where the dr worked with myofascial release and stretches to help with injuries. This amazing man fixed my plantar fasciitis and helped get my chronic headaches under control but NOTHING we did helped my arm pain. Within a month he was worried bc we had started to notice that there was a hardness to the spot that never changed with any exercise or massage.

Worried that there was a nerve being trapped or crushed (another diagnosis I'd gotten over the years), this amazing man sent me to a neurosurgeon who immediately frowned and said he didn't think my neck pain and my arm pain were connected. He ordered an MRI of my arm and despite it not being visible on an MRI 2 years before, he found something PHYSICALLY THERE where I said I had pain. He considered doing the surgery to remove it (despite being a neurosurgeon he was fascinated with this weird horribly painful spot) but eventually sent me a surgeon for an oncology center, assuring me it was because this new surgeon was one of the best in Texas for removing soft tissue tumors, not because there was any thought of cancer.

I met with the surgeon who gave me one more diagnosis of an AVM (arteriovenous malformation), snd said they were benign and not necessary to remove as well as the possibility that if removed it would likely return. Truly, at this point after 5 years of constant nauseating horric pain when someone brushed against me or if I gently brushed against ANYRHING, a pain so bad that it had basically made me stop using my right arm as much as possible (of course I'm right handed lol), I said GET THAT FUCKER OUT OF THERE MAN and my first surgery was scheduled.

Surgery one occurred Nov 5th and was an out patient event. I went home and passed out. At some point my mom said that while I'd been in recovery the dr said the thing in my arm hadn't looked like what he expected so he had sent it to pathology. I went back to work and was hanging out until the Tuesday before Thanksgiving when I went in for a super immediate meeting with a different doctor who told me that what had been in my arm was a synovial sarcoma, aka, cancer! He, this incredibly kind man I did not know, gently discussed chemo and told me I needed to have a CT scan immediately. Based on the CT, i was either in stage one or stage four if it has spread to lungs. The day before Thanksgiving I received the news that it was stage one, it had not spread, and i was so fucking happy.

Then it was time talk about next steps. My surgeon marked out a circle on my arm to indicate how much he was gonna remove in order to guarantee clear margins..but it was not enough of a meeting for me to grasp the surgery I was about to receive.

The day of my second surgery, dec 8th, came quickly and i met with the plastic surgeon, the kindest, most patient man. He moved my arm around and explained how he was going to hijack a vein from my forearm in order to keep the blood flow health to the flap he was gonna take from the donor site: My inner thigh.

It has been 11 days and I am living in an inpatient rehab facility, working on dealing with the nerve damage/pain, the EXTREME pain of my donor site, and the lost mobility that I am working on getting back, both in my leg and my hand. The majorities of my arm is numb...except where the nerve pain burns my wrist and forearm and makes it painful to wear my arm sling (I can't fully extend my arm, nor can I lift, push, pull or use my arm in any way that would stress out my new arm flap). Also may have a brand new urinary tract infection but as I write this I'm chugging water for a urine sample to hopefully get that treated. Below are some pictures I have taken/had taken of my arm! Im not ready to look at my leg outside of the bandages (which, since having the wound vac removed today, hell yeah, will need daily dressing changes).

EDIT: I tried posting pictures of my arm last night and my post disappeared immediately so I will try to make a new post with these photos in case the whole post was erased because of them. I will tag them as post surgery photos. I do not consider them gory or excessive but hey that's just me.

I intend to post more things as I keep healing and as I gain more mobility. I was given "independence" in my room yesterday which means I can officially get up without any assistance needed (using my badass new cane to help me lift my foot in and out of bed)!!!! Which also means I can get up whenever I want without the bed alarm going off. I have a badass cane that has been the best tool in helping me get around (and has inspired my mom and others to suggest and look into getting me a cane sword which makes me laugh REAL hard). See below me using the cane to move my foot in and out of bed!

Part of why I'm posting this is because I really needed to talk about it and while later posts may not be this long or expository but I wanted to have a base post to explain other ones related to this one!!!

I will update with some newer pics tomorrow night when my mom comes by to help me take newer pics. The arm flap looks super healthy (according to the drs), and when they changed my leg dressing they said its looking really good and healthy!

I......also really wanted to post my Amazon wishlist. Due to this stupid wild bad lottery ticket, I've been struggling to pay my bills and rent but!!! I have good insurance, thankfully (since I live in the US and my hospital stay and this rehab stay would have more than bankrupted me), and im hoping my disability checks will get here in time for rent!!! I'm putting up my wishlist bc I can't afford some of the "essentials" on there and, also, because I havent been able to have any kind of comfort during any of this. I never ask for anything for holidays because usually i...dont want to burden people with spending money on me since I know how hard money is, especially right now. And if I don't have enough for rent later I might have to create a go fund me...but right now everything looks good for rent and bills just...not for anything fun.

Thank you so much for your time!!! And happy holidays you wild bastards!!!

https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/36PG6BAYD18U7?ref_=wl_share

[im-hqlover]

Weekly Update Post.

(Okay, doing this a second time because tumblr bugged, I hope it works now.) 

Soooo, I decided that I will do an update post every week, reporting on the status of what I'm writing, along with a little spoiler of what I've already written, so, spoiler alert!

As you can see I have written a lot of things, but my problem is that somehow i can't get some of my ideas down on paper, because of that i'm writing several things at the same time, but it comes to a point that i just don't know how to unfold the story, and this is annoying me a lot. I hope you understand why I haven't posted anything recently.

Arkham Knight (AK) - Chapter 2 

Words written so far: 1473

Status: Last edition 40 days ago / Very hard written block / Hiatus / I may have to rewrite this

Spoiler:

- Baby, I'm going to have to go back to Bludhaven.

- Can I go with you? - I asked him while turning off my cell phone and paying attention to him. 

- No, you better stay here, it's safer. 

- But- 

- No, you will stay here, it is the best, and you know it. - He approaches me and I get up from the couch and stand in front of him. 

- Okay… just be careful. 

- I promise. - He takes my hand and kisses it softly, he always did that when he promised me something. - I'll be back tomorrow, okay? 

Arranged marriage/Royal AU (AM/RAU) - Chapter 4 

Words written so far: 2693 

Status: Last edition a week ago (or are there two? I don't remember)/ Writing block / Little hiatus / May I need to rewrite.

Spoiler: I had my suspicions that this was supposed to be a gift from Jason, since he was the only option for me to have left a gift on our bed, but why would he give me a gift? Maybe I was wrong and he just left it there to deliver to someone else later. 

Dinosaur Trainer (DT) - Chapter 2 

Words written so far: 5827

Status: Last edition yesterday / Little Tiny Writing Block / Thinking about what the other characters would say is a very difficult task.

Spoiler:

- Owen Grady, it's nice to meet you. - He extends his hand, I shake it too and return the smile. 

- It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Grady. - We pulled our hands away, and again, I don't know how I didn't stutter to answer. 

- Call me Owen. - I nod, and muttered an "ok", he greeted Mr. Masrani and then the four of us sit at the round table, Simon was still sitting across from me, with Hoskins at his left side, and Owen standing between Hoskins and me. Kodi continued to lie on my left side, occasionally taking cold water from the glass bowl. 

DT - Fallen Kingdom - A new life (part 2 of Mistakes) 

Words written so far: 1230 

Status: Last edition 3 days ago / Little Written Block 

Spoiler:

- Look, Sleeping Beauty woke up. - He approached the two of us with a bag and coffee cups, I just roll my eyes at what he said and hear Maisie laugh.

- My prince charming didn't come to wake me with a kiss of true love. - I answer him by joining the game, and Owen and Maisie laugh, I try to sit up with a lot of effort, but it seems to me that I was still a little weak. 

- Wait. Maisie, can you hold this for me? - He handed her the bag and the coffees, and then put a hand on my back to help me adjust. - How are you? 

Outer Space is the Limit (OSitL) - Chapter 1 

Words written so far: 3450 

Status: Last edition 5 days ago / Little Writing Block

Spoiler:

- I am Groot! - That being on my leg raised its head looking at me with big eyes, and in a way I found it kind of cute? Okay, maybe that was weird. Peter approaches me and crouches in front of me, close to where was what it said was Groot.

- Well, it seems to me that you already knew Groot - Peter removes the small being from my leg and puts it on his shoulder, and then offers his hand which I took nervously, and then he helps me to stand again. 

- I am groot! - The little one raises its hands in the air when saying its name animatedly. 

There's an alien in my bed (TAB) - Chapter 1 

Words written so far: 4360

Status: Last edition 4 or 5 days ago / Little Writing Block 

Spoiler:

- Why the hell do you think he's gonna come because of me? - I feel my throat burn as I speak. 

- Because apparently you're the only one he really cares about. - As soon as he said, more tears fell. 

- If he really cared about me, he wouldn't have left me without telling me. - I whisper, saying it more to myself than to anyone else.  

Ideas I had but I don't know when or if I will actually write 

Passengers - Jim Preston x reader

What I have in mind: Six months after Jim Preston woke up, another hibernation capsule gave problem, y/n l/n awakens from hibernation almost 90 years before reaching Homestead II, when she woke up everything looked confused, but it got worse when she didn't see anyone there, if they were about to arrive at Homestead II, how was she the only one awake? Or she thought she was the only one awake, until she finds Jim Preston. 

Back to the Wild West (BWW)- The Magnificent Seven - Joshua Faraday x reader

What I have in mind: Y/n L/n and Marty Collins are fanatical about the Back to the Future trilogy, and when the boredom of Social Isolation due to the pandemic hits them, Marty, who is a scientist, decides that he would create a time machine, of course y/n said he was crazy to think that would be possible, but he did, but then regret knocks on his door when he makes it work, that would be a mistake, they would have to destroy it, leave no trace and not let anyone know. But y/n had other plans, she wanted to go back to the wild west, just stay a day or two to see what it was like and then come back. Marty hesitantly accepted, and so they took what was needed and y/n went back to the wild west, but she ends up getting stuck there, how would she get back to her time? What wrong could happen? 

PrattPack Imagines/Oneshots/Headcanons. 

I'm kind of stealing the idea from @im-an-octopus where she does some headcanon about some Chris Pratt's characters, and I really wanted to do something like that, but I don't know if I'm really going to do this or when I'm going to do this, but it's been on my mind for a few days now. (And maybe accept requests from them)

Characters that would include:

Peter Quill

Owen Grady

Josh Faraday

Jim Preston 

Andy Dwyer (maybe, I need to watch more Parks and Recreation to find out more about him)

Onward - Barley Lightfoot x Reader

I'm divided into three ideas, and I don’t know if I write them all or choose only one. 

First: Y/n is a mermaid, coming from a special lineage with several stories, and perhaps one of the only families that continues with her ancient traditions, so she along with her father, mother and brother ended up moving away from the rest of the family and moving to Mushroom Town, but when she finds out that her family is in danger, an unknown person says that she must find two people, a wizard and a knight, she was very confused because of this, and said that wizards no longer exist, but not long after she sees a news about Ian Lightfoot she went to find him, because she believed he was who that unknown person was talking to. Maybe this will be a long journey. What surprises await for you?

(both the second and the third would happen kind of in an AU where it happens in the real world, and everyone is human)

Second: Y/n is new to the city, and is in the penultimate year of High School, she feels out of place and alone, in the beginning some people even tried to be friends with her, but when y/n realized that they were assholes she walked away and decided it was better to be alone, who needs friends, right? Everything seemed to be going well, or at least the best possible, until school literature work needed to be done in pairs, the pairs were drawn and she ended up with Barley Lightfoot, she wasn't very comfortable with that, not because of the things she had heard about him, but because she really didn't want to do that to other people, because she was afraid that she could do something and he would end up making fun of her and she would suffer again, but things were much better than she expected and maybe that was the beginning of a new friendship? Or something else? 

Third: Y/n's younger brother got hooked by QoY, and because of that, he and his friends would go to an event that would take place in the city, where it would be kind of a rpg but with everyone acting and dressing properly instead of being on the board, with their father traveling, y/n is responsible for taking his brother there and waiting until everything is over, but maybe with some events the heart of y/n will end up being stolen by a handsome knight. 

[hutchhitched]

The Vintage Joshifer Series: End of Love—Chapter 16

End of Love by hutchhitched

Author’s note: My sincere apologies for the wait between this chapter and the last. It’s been a very busy semester, and the aftereffects of Hurricane Harvey have been rearing their ugly heads. The rest of the story is complete, so there should not be a wait for the future chapters. The world keeps beating up our hero and heroine, but they find continued comfort in each other. Thank you to each of you who have read, reblogged, hearted, and supported this story. You are all rock stars.

Historical events in this chapter include the following:

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. was assassinated by a white supremacist on Thursday, April 4, 1968, at approximately 6:00 pm at the Lorraine Motel in Memphis, Tennessee, which is the current location of the National Civil Rights Museum. He was 39 when he died. He was in Memphis working on a campaign to end unequal pay for African-American sanitation workers. On the night before his death, he delivered his final sermon, which is commonly called the Mountaintop Speech. The subject was of a future utopia he didn’t believe he would live to see. As a result, many believe he predicted his own death.

The original Planet of the Apes released on March 27, 1968. It was a commercial blockbuster and inspired a series of franchise films for decades after its release. 

Chicago, Illinois, April 1968

“Tell me there’s coffee.”

 Josh turned over his shoulder and grinned. “Good morning, sleepy head. You’re going to be late to work if you don’t get a move on.”

 “Mmmm,” Jen mumbled as she took the mug of coffee he extended to her. She couldn’t stop staring at his broad, muscled back and the cut of his hips above his cotton boxers. “I could be late if you wanted to distract me.”

 “Tempting, tempting,” he murmured and pulled her into a side hug before kissing her on the cheek. “Wish I could, honey. I have an early meeting and need to get out of here pretty soon.”

 “Fine,” she grumbled and took a sip of her drink. “If you want to go save the world instead of having sex with your…whatever I am, then go ahead.”

 His eyes flashed, and he retorted, “What I’d rather do is not get shipped off to fucking ’Nam and get killed, so if I have to go to work at Big Brothers to do it, I’m gonna go every god damned day, Jen. Jackson’s already over there. Do you want me to die?”

 She gripped her coffee mug and stared at him with wide eyes. She’d meant her words as a joke, but she realized now he hadn’t taken them that way at all.

 “No, I don’t want you to die, Josh,” she whispered in a trembling rasp.

 He turned his back and pressed his palms flat on the countertop. “I’m sorry. I had a nightmare last night about it. I’m a little on edge.”

 She crossed to him, set her mug on the table, and wrapped her arms around his waist. She pressed her cheek to his back and then kissed him in the dip of his spine right between his shoulder blades. “Jackson’s going to be okay, and so are you. So is Andre if his draft number gets called. We both need to go to work, but when I get home tonight, be ready.”

 “For what?” he asked, a tinge of humor lacing his words.

 “Good stuff. That’s all I’ll say. Go get ready. Besides, it’s Thursday. The week’s almost over. Maybe we could go see that movie you want to see. Monkeys or something?” She quirked her eyebrow at him.

 “Planet of the Apes. I’m free tomorrow night. It’s a da— Uh, yeah, we could go.”

 She swallowed her frustration at his refusal to admit going to the movies together was a date and gave him a kiss on the cheek. She chugged the rest of her coffee as quickly as she could down the hot liquid and returned to her bedroom to get ready for work.

 “This war has to end,” she grumbled as she slipped from her building and hailed a cab. She didn’t have the patience to brave the bus system in her frame of mind.

 The past few months had flown by, and Jen was grateful every day for Josh coming back into her life. The day after the Tet Offensive, once they’d satisfied themselves physically after their time apart, Josh insisted they discuss what had happened back in California. The conversation stalled after a few minutes since she was unwilling to admit anything beyond what she already had. She’d slipped from his bed because the depth of feeling and pleasure he’d stoked in her that night had terrified her. Josh was too passionate and too intent on social change to commit to a full-fledged relationship. That hadn’t changed over the past two years, and she cared about him too much to admit how she felt when she knew he’d not respond in kind—even though she was convinced his feelings for her were every bit as intense.

 She hadn’t asked him how many women he’d been with during the time they were apart. She knew there were some and forced herself not to care. She’d enjoyed herself during her senior year in college too, but no one else had driven her as far over the peak as Josh had. She craved him, but she also recognized the need to focus on and develop her career. Married women didn’t last long in the field of journalism, so that wasn’t something she could entertain at this point anyway. As the cab pulled up to the Tribune building, she shook her head to clear it. She needed all her faculties today if she was going to deal with her misogynistic pig of an editor.

 Jack waved at her as she entered the office, and she stopped by his desk to check in. He greeted her with his gruff smile and informed her, “Headlines of the day: the president’s in Hawaii trying to make peace with the Vietnamese. Everyone’s a flutter about the Mountaintop speech King gave last night. We’re working every angle—civil rights leaders, everyone who was part of the Chicago Freedom Movement two years ago, people who might have run into him on the street once.”

 She snorted with laughter at his droll commentary. “Thanks for the update. I thought I was going to get here early today, but I should have known you’d beat me into the office.”

 He studied her thoughtfully for a few minutes before asking, “Have you ever thought about television reporting?”

 “Are you trying to get rid of me, old man?” she teased. Jack was one of the few people in the office she really liked. He was talented and conscientious, and she’d learned a lot from him in the ten months she’d been at the paper.

 “Never. I just think you could be happier than you are here with Mr. Murrow leering at your legs. Just keep it in mind in case you want to get out of here. Or in case he ever becomes completely unbearable. I’m lucky. He doesn’t like my legs.”

 “Thanks, Jack. I really appreciate it,” Jen said with a soft smile and chuckle. She crossed to her desk and picked up the manila folder with her day’s assignment. She heaved a deep sigh and got to work.

 The day flew by as she worked on a follow up article to the day’s front page news about President Johnson in Honolulu and his attempts to bring the situation in Vietnam to a peaceful conclusion. As she typed her story, she forced herself to remain calm. Thoughts of Josh being drafted and shipping out scared her enough that her hands shook as she typed. She tried to ignore the list of names that came down the wire every day and prayed every time she perused it until she made sure Jackson’s name wasn’t on it.

 “Jennifer, where’s your story? Your deadline was ten minutes ago.”

 Shaking from a work-induced haze, she glanced at her watch and gasped when she realized it was almost 6:00 in the evening. Her brief lunch break had been almost over six hours ago.

 “I’m so sorry, Mr. Murrow! I didn’t realize how late it was.” She glanced at his stern expression, but he seemed appeased when he handed her the sheet from her typewriter. “Here’s what I have. I think it’ll work without any editing. Because of the deadline, I mean.”

 “I’ll be the judge of that,” her editor barked. Glancing over her words, he nodded and waved a copy editor over to make the necessary corrections.

 Jen swallowed a scowl and straightened the papers on her desk. She was just about to gather her belongings and head out the door when another reporter shrieked from the corner of the room. “What’s happening now?” she grumbled and shut her purse back in her drawer. The television screen showed a crowd of people milling outside what looked to be a hotel.

 Her editor bellowed across the newsroom, “Everybody to their desks. We’re going to have to work up a different front page in the next few hours. Call home if you need to, but I need everyone ready to go in five minutes.”

 “What’s happening? Jack, what’s happening?” she begged desperately as he rushed by her.

 He whipped around to face her, his eyes wild, and explained in a dazed voice, “Dr. King’s been shot.”

 Ice flooded her veins, and she shook her head in disbelief. “But he just gave a speech last night! He was in Memphis working with the sanitation workers! How could they shoot him? He’s got to be all right! He’s got to be!”

 As she sank into her chair, it quickly became apparent that the civil rights leader was not okay. The wire pumped out report after report from Memphis. None of them seemed to have any answers or a report of his condition for almost an hour. Just as she felt as if she must surely be experiencing a terrible dream, the news broke that the assassination attempt had worked. Dr. King was dead.

 Jen sat stunned, unable to move until a fellow reporter barked at her to pass him a folder she’d been holding listlessly. She closed it carefully and extended it toward him. When he took it, she sprinted from her desk to the nearest bathroom and vomited into the toilet until her stomach ached. Gasping for air, she rose from the concrete floor and splashed water on her face in the sink. She gulped handfuls of liquid in a futile attempt to dispel the foul taste. After several minutes, she stumbled back to her desk and waited for further instructions.

 “Lawrence!” Mr. Murrow barked from his office. “You can go, sweet cheeks. Be here early tomorrow. It’s going to be a huge day. I need my best tits and ass on the beat.”

 Jen resisted the urge to flip him the finger. Instead, she calmly gathered her belongings and bolted for her apartment.

 “Josh?” she called as soon as she stepped through the door. “Josh, where are you?” Frantic, she threw down her purse and jacket and entered the small living room. The overhead fixture was off, and the lamps remained dark.  He sat on the couch, facing the television. Flashes of light streaked across his face from the images on the screen. The volume was turned down so low, she could barely hear it as she stood next to it.

 “Josh?” she asked softly.

 He raised his red-rimmed eyes to her, and her heart broke at the pain reflected in them. Tear tracks stained his cheeks, and she took a step toward him. He didn’t move or speak as she crossed the room and sat next to him on the couch. When she reached over to grab his hand, she was shocked to find it was ice cold.

 “He’s gone,” he mumbled, and she nodded.

 “I know. I’m so sorry, hon.”

 He crumpled then, bending over onto himself and releasing a howling scream that echoed through her bones. He pounded his hands against his knees and unleashed a stream of profanity. She sat helpless, terrified of his reaction, and unsure how to help.

 “They fucking murdered him, Jen. They shot him down like a dog.”

 Tears streamed down her cheeks, her heart breaking for him and all those who felt a connection to King and the work he’d done during his lifetime. She knew Josh was horrified by the act every bit as much as he worried about Jackson’s reaction once he heard the news. She knew Josh would insist that he spend time with Jackson’s family as soon as he could. Most of all, she feared that King’s assassination would be the catalyst for him to leave Chicago and become more heavily involved in the protest movement. He’d been semi-idle for months, and she wasn’t sure their relationship—whatever it was—would be enough to keep him from rejoining his friends as they fought to change the system.

 After several minutes of bellowed rage, he finally turned to her and crushed her to him. He sobbed into her neck as she held his quaking body firmly in her arms. His mouth sought hers desperately, and before she knew what was happening, he pressed her backward onto the cushions and was grinding hard against her. He grunted as he thrust his hips, and she shimmied her skirt upwards to free her legs. He broke from her briefly to fumble with the button on his jeans while she pulled off her panties, but his mouth returned to hers almost immediately.

 “I fucking need you,” he gasped as his fingers slipped into her folds, and she arched her back at the contact.

 “Whatever you need. I’m here,” she panted. She squealed her surprise when he flipped her over and pulled her hips up to rest above her bent knees before nudging in between her legs. Without warning, he slammed into her, and she cried out as he filled her.

 “Jennifer,” he groaned into the darkened room. “Fuck, you feel so good.”

 She braced her hands on the arm of the couch and reared back against him. As his hips slapped against her bare ass, she yelped his name as he stretched her. Her cries grew louder and more erratic as his pace increased. Within seconds, he bucked against her frantically, practically lifting her off her knees as he fucked her from behind.

 “Josh! Josh, slow down! I can’t—” She broke off as he pounded her and bit her lower lip before releasing a prolonged wail. What he was doing to her was painful, but it also felt amazing to bear the brunt of such frantic passion. She knew he needed her, even if he was lost within himself.

 Josh cursed as he drove into her, practically incoherent as he released his frustrations. He smacked her bare right cheek twice as he neared his climax and grunted her name repeatedly. When he began to chant a warning of his impending climax, Jen braced herself on one forearm and reached down to rub her clit furiously.

 “Holy fucking hell,” she howled as her walls pulsed. Josh cried out his release and poured into her as she expelled a gush of fluid. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her back against his chest as he stroked her several more times. Their skin dripped with sweat as they collapsed in a ruined heap on the brown plaid sofa.

 His body shook behind her, and her heart broke when she realized he was still sobbing. She pulled from him gently and grimaced as he slid out of her and a gush of his ejaculate streamed down her inner thigh. She swiped at the mess with her discarded panties, but it didn’t help. Instead, she turned her attention to the broken man she desperately wanted to help feel better.

 Jen tried to kiss him, but he pulled away from her. Stung, she slapped at his chest and struggled to disentangle herself from him. When she finally freed herself, she ran to the bathroom where she caught a glimpse of her image in the bathroom mirror.

 Startled, she studied her tear streaked face and the mascara that had bled to black half-moons under each eye. Her lipstick was smeared across her left cheek, and her hair stuck up in several directions. She looked like she’d just been bedded by a paying customer, and a rush of shame flooded her. Josh had never been so rough with her, and it scared her that she liked it as much as every other time they’d been intimate in more gentle ways.

 After cleaning Josh’s semen from her legs, she swallowed her pill and sent up a silent prayer of thanks for reliable birth control. Josh had made no secret of his belief in free love, so condoms weren’t something she wanted to push. She simply prayed that he’d been careful during the time they’d been apart.

 When she’d finally regained her composure, she returned to the living room to see Josh sitting lifeless on the couch, his fly still unzipped, and his flaccid dick hanging loosely out of his pants. His eyes were vacant as he lifted them to hers. He blinked slowly several times before rising and stumbling to her bedroom. Once there, he stripped and fell into her bed. He curled his body into the fetal position until she slid in next to him. She kissed his bare skin until he unwound enough to pull her against him.

 “Don’t leave me again,” she whispered against his chest as they lay together in the dark. “I know you’re hurting right now and that you feel like you need to make a difference, but don’t go.”

 He barked a wry laugh and argued pointedly, “I didn’t walk out on you, Jennifer. If I remember correctly, you snuck out in the middle of the night so I woke up to an empty bed the next morning.”

 “You were leaving Berkeley. You weren’t going to be sticking around for more than a few days, and I didn’t think I could stand to say goodbye to you after…”

 “After what? After you let me get you off? After I helped you realize Nick was a jerk who didn’t care about whether or not you enjoyed yourself? I tried to find you every day between graduation and the day I left. I wasn’t the one who wanted to say goodbye.”

 Wincing at the bitterness in his words, she knew she needed to word her next statement carefully. She couldn’t risk driving him from her when he was hurting so badly. “I know that now, and I’m sorry. My only excuse is the one I’ve told you—that you were already leaving and I didn’t want to beg you to stay. I didn’t want to ask when I knew you felt the call to go. Jackson needed you then, but I need you right now, and I think you need me too. Please stay in Chicago—at least for a little while longer.”

 “I can’t promise that, Jen. You know I can’t.” She trailed her fingers over his chest and grinned as his skin twitched under her light touch. His physical reaction to her made her feel much more powerful than she ever had.

 “I know, but please stay until you can’t any longer. Don’t choose to go.”

 He didn’t answer. Instead, he rolled her over and kissed her deeply. Her mouth opened under his, and she felt the beginnings of another erection poking against her inner thigh. Realizing there wasn’t anything else to be said that could alter the situation, she lost herself in the feel of him.

 “More,” she begged as he teased her with just the tip of his shaft.

 “I’m sorry if I hurt you,” he murmured into her ear as he sank in another two inches before pulling out. When she moaned her disapproval at his absence, he stroked her deeper. “Forgive me.”

 “Forgive me too,” she begged. When he breathed his surrender into her neck, she shuddered and conceded to him and the orgasm he’d stoked inside her.

 They came together repeatedly throughout the night, clinging to each other as he woke from nightmares of burning jungles, maimed bodies, and pools of blood. His anguished cries haunted their bed for weeks, and Jen lost track of the number of times she woke with bruises from him thrashing against her in the throes of panicked, restless sleep. The time together was hard, but she kept reminding herself that it was better than being without him again.

 For weeks, Jen clung to the hope that her comforting presence would be enough to convince him he shouldn’t leave. Unfortunately, soon enough, it wouldn’t be.