#ed's empathy is kind of a mess

[canonizzyhours]

I'm a professional screenwriter. I know nobody reading this has any reason to believe that, and I work pretty hard to keep my fandom activity separate from my professional identity, so I'm not going to offer any proof that would doxx me here, believe me or don't. But it's true and I don't just mean I'm trying to get hired as a screenwriter, I mean I am pretty well established in the industry and I've worked on some stuff big enough you've probably heard of it. I've also been active in OFMD fandom for about two years now, since nearly the beginning.

The canyon really freaks me out because seeing it up close makes me worried I've drastically underestimated audiences' empathy gap around characters of color and tendency to sympathize with and excuse the actions of white characters. I've always tried to be conscious about that sort of thing in my work but now that I'm seeing the whole process up close it's so much worse than I always thought.

I think a lot about what I would have done during season 1 of OFMD, if I were in the writers' room and I'd wanted to make sure it would be clear to the audience that Izzy was Ed's abuser and wasn't acting out of secretly sympathetic motives and we're supposed to be genuinely horrified by his actions. I'm in writers' rooms workshopping issues like this all the time. I know the kinds of suggestions I'd make.

Like, if we were worried that the audience would think Izzy's hostility toward Stede was about class instead of homophobia, I might have suggested we make sure Izzy's dialogue never has any reference to Stede's class at all, and that we might do a subplot in one episode where Izzy is equally hostile toward Lucius, since Lucius clearly isn't rich but is extremely gay. But that already happened, and it didn't help.

If I wanted to make sure the audience understood that Izzy is bossing the crew around and screaming at everyone to work harder because he's a petty little bully on a power trip and not because the work actually needs to get done, I might have suggested a scene where Izzy deliberately makes a mess on purpose just so he can order the crew to clean it up. But that already happened, and it didn't help.

If I wanted to make it clear that Izzy has always been awful toward everyone around him -- especially his colleagues of color -- since long before the show started, I might have suggested we repeatedly emphasize throughout the season that while Fang is willing to work with him, he doesn't like or respect Izzy and this is because Izzy has always treated Fang very badly. Have him pull on Fang's beard for no reason and have Fang explicitly say he hates that but knows it wouldn't help to complain. Have Fang tell strangers jokes about times Izzy humiliated himself in public. Have a scene where everybody unanimously VOTES TO MURDER IZZY and someone explicitly stops to ask Fang if he's cool with this and Fang explicitly says yes this is absolutely fine with me and then he actively participates in the murder plan while smiling. But all of that happened and I still see the canyon insisting that Izzy was a much nicer person before the events of s2 when he wasn't under so much stress and has always been liked and respected by the PoC around him, including specifically Fang!

If I were worried that the audience might take seriously the idea that Izzy is motivated by "loyalty to your captain" -- well, honestly I don't think it ever would have occurred to me to worry about that, since he says that in a scene where he's in the middle betraying his captain and I'd probably assume people are capable of picking that up and understanding that when someone says they're abusing you for your own good you should not believe them. But if someone else insisted we address the concern, suggestions I'd make would include: make sure some of the first interactions we see between Ed and Izzy involve Izzy complaining about how he doesn't want to do the job Ed just gave him, then half-assing the mission and lying to Ed's face about it. Show Izzy deliberately undermining Ed to the crew by telling them he's half-insane, then insist to Ed that he's the only one keeping the crew loyal when they're worried about his judgment. But they did that stuff and we still have people thinking Izzy's central motivation throughout season 1 is selfless devotion to Ed.

The show did every single thing I would have suggested, and none of it worked. So what does it say about all the stuff I've already worked on, whenever I've written a scene where a white guy was being a dick to characters of color? Have I just been embarrassingly naive this whole time? Have I undermined my own work by not getting this?

You can't control audience reactions, I know that, that's part of what's great about art, you have to let go and accept that people will interpret things in ways you never intended, I get it. But if it's THIS impossible to choose words that will create the kind of feelings you meant to, what's the point? Is it even possible to write about the kind of abusive relationship Ed and Izzy have, where the white guy thinks he's entitled to control a brown man's life "for his own good" and that the brown guy is obligated to be grateful and reciprocate his "love" and not have a huge group of people creating elaborate justifications for the white guy? What else could they have done? What else can I do, when I'm writing about characters of color? I'm seriously asking. If anybody reading this has advice I want to hear it. What could I do?

#408.

[tsunami-kelsey]

EDDSWORLD HEADCANNONS 💪

SHIPS:

TomTordEdd

MattJon

Markuardo

Patpaul

EDD:

– 5'11" (says hes 6')

– Pansexual 

– AuDHD

– Meladaptive Daydreamer

– Chubby <33333

– Brown curly hair

– Hairy limbs and torso because yes 🧡🧡

– Used to have deep brown eyes but they became bright green because of power edd

– Still has his powers, except he cant control them as well

– Draws as a job (is actually a very popular artist)

– Also works part-time at the Diner!

– Loves bugies

– Is actually very good with plants

– terrible cook, amazing baker

– Unironicly acts like a cat

– ls the only one with a healthy, living, loving family group

MATT:

– Gender-fluid! (mainly masc)

– Gay!!

– 6'7"

– ADHD

– Only drinks animal blood

– Hangs out in the bathroom while hes at the house the most (he has to look good😔)

– Can only turn into a bat on the 31st of every month (the date number he was turned :3)

– Likes to color!

– Being a Model is his job (he isn't popular but bro get BANK!!!!!)

– used to go to the neighbors house everyday to hang out with Jon </3

– May or may not have turned Jon into a vampire on accident... (dont ask)

– Used to be pale, and is now even MORE pale because of vampire

– ginger. he is very sensitive to sunlight and always has been, so he beings sunscreen and a sun umbrella with him everywhere

– has the best clothes ever, likes to hold fashion shows for the gang

– Color Blind! Cant see blue 😔

TOM:

– 5'5"

– Trans Masc <3

– Bisexual obv

– Has a band (Lead singer and guitarist)

– Makes Kandi with Edd

– AuDHD

– Has yellow teeth because ALCOHOL!!!

– HATES the noises of crinkling plastic

– freely shifts around the others because he knows even when he isn't mentally/physically there he wont hurt them.

– SHARP TEETH SHARP TEETH SHARP TEETH

– Wears blue earplugs because sensitive monster ears

– Has so many percings in insane

– Punk fashion!!

– Lacks empathy but ISNT A HEARTLESS BEING.

– Forgets to eat, shower, and just take care of himself becaus of his ADHD (he doesnt mean to)

– Very entergetic with people he loves

– Has a secret intrest in dragons and other things

– Has gone to concerts (MCR, Mother Mother, Rob Zombie, etc etc) with Jon :3

– Is actualy Jon's older brother!!

TORD:

– 5'9"

– Pansexual

– Surpisingly amazing cook

– Has tried human flesh before and liked it

– The real Tord died in 2008, the Red Army creating a clone of him and the clone growing fond of the other three.

– BEFORE DEATH: Dark brown haie, hazel/blue eyes, chose to not accociate himself with his parents (his father was a terrible person, like father like son am i right?) Mostly wore black and some Red, thin norwrigen accent

– AFTER DEATH / CLONE: light chestnut hair with deep brown roots, grey eyes, constantly talks about his army (where the clone was created, he doesnt have many memories of the tord before him), Wears more red and some black, THICK norwrigian accent

– Has more than 90GB at this point (ifykyk)

– Rebuilt their house with the help of the army's fonds, replicating everything as best as he could.

– Stayed with them for another 5 years in the house than went to command the RED ARMY

– Cold to people he doesnt know, entergetic and flurty to those he does

JON ( DECEASED . ):

– loved cereal, any kind

– never left Tom's side when they where little

– Had sevear anxiety

– 5'3"

– Pansexual

– Had like 3 tattoons, but he always hid them because he was scared of what the others would say

– Loved rock music, used to vibe to metal too

– Died when tord blew up the houses.

– He was in the hospital for maybe a week before he let himself give up.

– Had asthma and dyslexia!

– Loved to knit :3

– Had gotten turned into a little vampire by matt, but was never immortal (like matt)

– Hangs out with Mark in his little ghost form. He likes to mess with edwardo when he notices that Ed is feeling down

MARK:

– 6'5"

– Bisexual <3

– Make Up artist for movies and things!

– Married to Edwardo 

– Can see and feel ghosts. (this is important)

– Has prescriptions but he never takes them because they make him feel worse

– took Jon's death the hardest.

– A very picky eater

– Terrible cook (he tries guys)

– every letter from Todd is addressed to him for some reason

– HATES bugs. If he sees one he will shreak even if its a butterfly or something

– Actually gets along with Matt a lot

– Does Matt's make up when Matt has a show

– Amazing fashion but never uses it to its true potential 😔

– Works out a lot with Ed :3

EDWARDO:

– Has a pug named Dogwardo.

– Gay.

– 5'10" (says hes 6ft but than edd interjects)

– has so much beef with Edd that its concerning

– Dated Laurel and then went "oh wait im gay, mb bro" (she didnt care lolz)

– Knows how to control his powers very well, used them to complete dayly tasks

– Actualy incredibly clingy to Mark

– THE BEST FUCKING COOK YOU WILL EVER MEET, THIS MAN MAKES THE BEST FOOD EVER.

– Works full-time at the diner and works in the kitchen :D

– Best friends with Laurel and Honey :3

– hairy man /POS /POS

– Forced Todd to move in when Jon died (he needed the comfort but wont admit it)

TODD:

– Photographer! (get it? because he shoots photos? and tord- yeah you get it)

– Is Tord's clone from the labs

– much more tame hair, he loves styling hair

– adores birds, he has a pet paret named Lavender (or Lavie)

– The only straight one. EDIT: I LIED HES ASEXUAL 💪

– 6'8"

– Moved into the house after the explosions and stuff, took Jons old room but technically lives on the couch because he spends all his time there

– Loves to travel :D

– Tries to be best buds with his clone but fails everytime

– His outfits are much more well kept than tords :3

– Hates anything political

– Very fond of Laurel, thinks shes PRETTYYY :0000 (they never get together, hes to much of a wimp to even say hi to her)

[oldhalloweentape]

🐸Lúcio/D.Va/Junker Queen👾 x 💞 (fem) Reader⚡️

(Request here! This was a treat to work on ngl, it really made me think about what their stances would be in a situation like this, thank you so much for this request!)

Lúcio

- He’s the most understanding of the three, ever since he was a child he’s been very aware that people, even the ones he cares about have their struggles that can deeply mess with them as much as he wouldn’t want them to be.

- He learns as much as he possibly can about your ED, not beating around the bush when it comes to it. He’s determined to help, to be there for you in this hard stage in your life.

- He may be very lax in many situations, but he doesn’t exhibit that tendency with your condition, he treats it with care, empathy, and a kind of seriousness that is needed for this situation.

- However, despite the realness of it all, his optimism shines the most in the way he cares for you, never minding your “messes”, and helping you during your setbacks.

- It could never possibly be “rotten work” to him, you’re the most beautiful soul he’s had the fortune to meet, he loves you, you’re his girlfriend— The other half to his melody.

- He aids in a way that mirrors this outlook, gently reminding you to eat or making you healthy/nutritious foods that are frog/music note shaped to make it more fun, that’s just how Lùcio is.

- Every step is met with encouragement and warmth from Lùcio, he believes that you are an insanely strong person for dealing with something as daunting as this.

D.Va

- Hana has to be the one who relates to this the most without actually being like that, she knows what it’s like to overexert yourself to find the means to an end… But hers stems from a different perspective so she handles it with caution and determination much like Lùcio’s.

- She’s very caring and worried about you, trying her best to protect you and keep you safe, in more ways than one. Her heart couldn’t possibly handle seeing you suffer like that, and for good reason, so she’s quick to try to find solutions, consulting people like Ana and Angela on the topic, and then promptly using that information to aid you with this condition.

- As busy as she is, she makes a point to try to be a constant companion who you can rely on, with Hana, as well as the medical professionals she insists you have, helping you form a schedule that fits you the most so you can create a stream consistently with your naturally unstable ailment.

- Every step back is met with comfort and a promise to be there always, even at the darkest of moments as she kisses your cheek softly.

- She’s an innately loving person, who can’t help but keep on loving and trying to find a way to help others beyond herself, with you as her girlfriend being very high on that list.

- Hana, I believe, is the kind of person who believes that love takes work and effort to maintain, so, she couldn’t possibly want to back down— Not when someone who means a lot to her needs her.

- Safe assured, Hana will always be there for you, helping, caring, loving, and always making sure you can positively live your life.

Junker Queen

- Odessa, unlike Lùcio, doesn’t really understand at first— Not being able to wrap her head around it as she sees you suffer so much over your self image.

- Don’t get her wrong, she does comfort you and tries to help with the limited resources Junkertown has at times to aid her in her self appointed mission in making you better, but it takes her a while to grasp what is happening.

- But when she does she handles it in a firm, but loving manner, having you monitored and giving you almost constant reminders that you need to eat and that, yes, you are a captivating woman who was able to catch the eye of the Junkerqueen.

- Underneath that rough and overly confident personality is a leader who, while she may not have every little resource at the tips of her fingers can and will use what she does have to relieve the woe you’re experiencing.

- Odessa’s compliments nearly triple in quantity, trying so hard to make you see what she sees, after all, what the Queen decrees is fact and who can fight against fact?

- She holds you close at night, murmuring words of love and attraction over you, unable to comprehend how someone could perceive you as being unwanted, let alone yourself when she, the Junkerqueen, loves you so.

- You are hers and she is yours, and no one can ever stop her from being adamant about it.

(Sorry this wasn’t as many as I would’ve done for a single character post 💔)

[thenarryparable]

don't read if you are sensitive to topics about ED's. please.

Cw: Vent writing.

Also please be kind. This is about current (in Jan 2023, if I ever come back to this) events.

Numb

I always say "I feel so numb", recently.

It doesn't mean anything, in the forefront of it.

What does numb feel like?

The feeling of feeling nothing, still a feeling, always downplayed as being 'bored' or 'lazy' as people call it.

What does numb truly feel like though?

Its different for everyone. A blank mind? A empathy issue? All different.

For me it's about a girl named Ana.

A girl who wraps her arms around me and pricks at my stomach. Pinching the soft fat on my body forming a around my empty stomach. Every touch, causing pain.

She whispers awful lies I believe. She never stops talking and blabbering on about how nobody loves me, how I need to change, how I need to diet.

She makes people horrified of me, despite saying my gaunt face getting more and more disturbing is beautiful and proof im 'getting better at this' whatever this is.

She made all of my friends leave, only interacting through roleplay threads, comments I seem to forget about. I'm terrified of them though because if I get near them everything spills out of my mouth like clear, purely water, vomit.

She left me alone for weeks that felt like months. Since she drove everyone away.

Not that I had much left anyway. I soon became too tired to say a single word. Too braindead to breathe.

I couldn't chat normally for a few weeks after I met Ace, I had to learn it all over again. I'm still not good at it, I keep forgetting everything their wonderful, creative brain types out.

She completely isolated me.

Filling my brain with dreadful fog, clogging my memories lungs up so far that they choked up every memory I create as the days pass.

I almost forgot Thursday.

The beautiful angel who tried to get me out of this mess, but failed despite her best efforts. Not even getting a empty sounding 'thank you', ever. Just a 'you tried'.

How the fuck did I nearly forget her? Out of all the people who have tried me like nothing but a piece of gum below their shoe. How did I forget the only person who tried so hard to stay? The only person who didn't treat me like shit?

I don't know.

I'll never know.

Not like I'd remember anyway.

The girl has captivated my life, making me only think about weight loss and food. Nothing else.

It's almost like nothing else matters to her, as long as we are sicker and thinner.

Ana doesn't care. She rather me die then gain a pound.

She loves it when I'm cold.

The goosebumps forming on my skin, even with a heater im front of me.

The one thing I used to love, now I hate. It makes me feel like im going to die.

"Isn't that good?"

No.

It's like feeling someone strangle you until your face turns purple and you black out.

Pure misery.

Pure sadness.

Like Death. If you think that.

Ana only makes you feel dead. That's what she wanted in the first place.

She latches onto you when you feel the worst. Making you push everything away until you are alone.

She wraps her so called 'lovely' arms around your body and turns you into a self-hating mess of a person, she will continue to do this until you are nothing, until you see the light, never feeling beautiful.

Like black scribbles all over you, covering you until you are hidden away from the world.

So when I say, "I feel numb" this is what I mean.

That's what Numb feels like.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

hello! a long while back I sent in an ask about my brother being abusive and that the situation was being handled and thoughg I'd update and vent:

tw for drugs, abuse, verbal abuse, suicide, ed

I didnt speak to him for four months because I was honestly just over it. Over him and his excuses and I mean there was no hate there I just was done. Then he randomly got so drunk he got alcohol poisoning and my mom kind of went "he loves you so much it breaks my heart you guys arent talking". And I'll admit I let it get to me but at the same time he put himself in that position with me. I have a right to set my boundaries.

Anyway over last month we made up and have been talking again but after he again got really nasty with me we actually sat down and talked about it. I told him hey when you speak to me like that, it makes me feel like utter shit. For a long time it really messed me up and I'm pretty disappointed that after four months of not talking to you because you treated me like that, that you go and do the same thing just when we were getting to be normal again.

He apologized and was pretty hard on himself; he admitted that hes just so angry all the time and he hates himself - that after the first fight which led us to not talk that he fucked his arm up as punishment. Just listed all the negatives and horrible things about himself and his situation etc. And while I do have empathy for him, I just told him that it's his responsibility to work on his behavior and mental health. He didn't ask to get fucked for life but it's his responsibility and just because he's going through something it doesn't mean he can treat me badly. I went into slight detail about how throughout this year I've tried to kill myself three times, relapsed in my ED, have relived traumatic events, etc. But through all that I was kind albeit stressed with my younger siblings.

I know he isn't me and that I can't compare but I said it as a way to say "I see you and understand but you've gotta step up man" because for years it's been shit plus shit and more shit. I said maybe he'd benefit from talking to someone- he has the money to afford the sessions and the time so he shoukd think about it. And he said he will.

Come three weeks later he's still getting high off his ass, drinking, and even though hes really skinny already he bought diet pills. He's been an addict in the past with drugs and I'm kind of ticked that my parents aren't seeing it. Literally he got home with the pills and my dad says "Mijo, you gotta be careful with those things. Have you seen yourself in pictures? Maybe you should" and I know that's meant to be like "dude you're skinny already" but this needs more than a 'be careful' because last time that happened it was me who cleaned up his cuts and had to see him be sent off to the psych ward. Not only that but his behavior triggers me constantly and I'm now starting to detach from him. Its not like we talked much before anyway but I mean now with the diet pills and everything I just can't be around him.

I love him but I just, I dont care anymore. In the past I use to be angry; when he went to the psych ward my family was all over it - my grandparents would have him over and drove him around and talk with him, my dad started researching about OCD and Depression to be able to help him, my mom was there everytime he had a panic attack at night and let him sleep in their bed, and he was receiving real treatment by a therapist and psychiatrist.

But still he just seemed unappreciative of it, he couldn't not see past how shitty his life/he was and I get it you know I'm not saying "grow up you're sucha whiner" but, I dont know.

And after seeing him be so cared for and getting help I decided to tell my parents I think I have depression and, nothing ever came of that. They said "okay", gave me a hug, and that was it. There was no research for me, no time with grandma and grandpa, no therapist. Him and I are only a year apart. It took me two years to go to a therapist myself and realize "hey um you're a little more than depressed" and still, my family doesn't cater to it. It's all him.

Your brother cant sleep through the night? Okay let's remove his door (which is the only thing separating our rooms).

Your brother is having trouble with addiction? Okay let's do mom and dad dates with him and make sure he's catered to.

Your brother is too depressed to get up? Okay you're gonna cover his chores on top of yours from now on.

Your brother is bringing diet pills into the house even though it's very obvious you struggle with eating/have been the same weight since middle school? Just give him a slap on the wrist and let it go.

Hi anon,

Unfortunately it can be challenging for many people to choose to seek help. It's often easier to fall back on unhealthy coping mechanisms than actively work towards self-improvement. It's easy to say you'll commit to therapy and simply not follow through. It's ultimately up to your brother to choose recovery when he's ready, even if everyone around him is impatient. He cannot be forced to do work he isn't prepared for yet, you know?

That being said, just because your brother is going through a lot and potentially numbing you and your family, you still deserve the care you need. It may help to ask for specific accommodations such as therapy or whatever else you may need. You do not deserve to feel invisible in this chaos, especially with issues that have been persistent even before your brother's.

You deserve to take up space, and you deserve to be heard.

I hope you're doing alright. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[thetardigrape]

You know, there's been a lot of discussion about this scene.

But it's mostly been about whether Ed really meant to kill Stede when he told Izzy about that plan. What I haven't heard mentioned much is how this scene is a spectacular example of Ed's empathy.

Ed and Izzy have known each other for years. Ed knows Izzy's moods and can tell how he's feeling. He's been feeling trapped himself, like he's doing the same thing over and over with no way out. And the scene that led to this was Izzy cornering him and saying he spends all his time managing Ed and the crew but it's not enjoyable anymore, it's Izzy having to get through one more day, one more fight, over and over.

Is any of what Izzy said about what he does true? Doesn't really matter. What's true is that he feels like he's doing the same thing again and again, trapped with no way out but death. Ed can sense it, and he knows how terrible that feels, because he feels it too.

So how does he start this conversation? "You were right, man." He validates Izzy's perspective. He acknowledges Izzy's feelings, then offers him what he knows Izzy needs: a way out.

Ed knows Izzy isn't trying to leave because Ed didn't make a plan (he did, and when he discovered it had a fatal flaw, he made another one). Izzy is trying to leave because he feels just as trapped as Ed in their cycle of miscommunication and drudgery. Ed doesn't want to lose Izzy (reasons for which are probably worth a whole other essay) so he tells him what he needs to hear: that Ed listens to him, cares about his perspective, and values his input.

Is Ed's empathy flawless? Of course not. His relationship with Izzy is so fraught it could be a whole series of essays. There's an entire library of fic out there devoted to it, actually. But he's fucking trying. He sees that Izzy needs validation and he gives it to him.

This scene gives so much insight into their relationship for so many reasons, and I think this is a major part of it.

[faakeid]

fab nygmobblepot moments that remind you of kd uwu

OMGGGG AHDAHDUIADHAD

I want to use this moment to be sorry to everyone that follows me but keeps seeing my blog full of Nygmobs/Smaylor instead of kaisoo. I usually don’t get attached to otps like this and it happened in an unexpected way for me. But it’s here and I need to compensate for all the years I didn’t watch Gotham and had no idea about Nygmobs spamming everyone and making my heart warm.

But in general, nygmobblepot isn’t a vision of ideal relationship. Both Edward and Oswald (their surnames Cobblepot and Nygma were the ones who originated this name) are stupid and do stupid shit to each other during most of the series. So, a lot of moments related with the actors counterpart (Robin is the actor who plays Oswald and Cory who plays Ed) reminds me of kaisoo more. But a warning here! Although they have a HUGE chemistry on and off screen, they’re mostly friends. Robin is married for almost ten years so it doesn’t mean their closeness is romantic or sexual. But still, some details remind me of kd.

Similarities with nygmobs:

Height difference: it applies to Smaylor as well because it’s their height but it’s really visible in the series. Cory is a bit taller than JI I think and Robin is like 1.65 but KS is not that taller (I can’t believe he’s 1.73 at all, sorry). But, again, this factor is evident during the series and in some moments and it’s cute.

(the way he moves his feet to reach Ed’s head ;_;)

(when they hug, Oswald barely reaches his shoulders [their hugs are the equivalent to kisses in Gotham])

the closest gif I could find where we can see kd’s height difference without me stealing other people’s gifs.

Penguin reference? That’s pretty obvious. Of course I didn’t start shipping nygmobs because one of them is small and has the Penguin nickname but it made so much easier for me to read some of their fics with kd as characters because they fit the profile so much! And also, I believe KD would totally fit the “murder husbands” couple if someone did a fanfic where they just kill everyone. The closest I remember of a fanfic with this criteria is Juice Pouche where Kyungsoo is a vampire and he protects Jongin and Jongin is kind of badass as well. But the kd fandom needs more fics like this. There’s also “(Before the night is over) come see me” where KS is also a vampire and JI a young werewolf but it focuses more on their relationship than a murder husbands idea Gotham shows so well. 

How they met: Gotham’s history has a lot of differences if you compare with other universes, so keep that in mind. In Gotham, Ed works with GCPD but doesn’t feel like himself with the good side. Oswald is the character that spices things up and is a rage of death and destruction and manipulation. But Oswald is infatuated with Jim Gordon (so isn’t the first time it’s implied Penguin is gay) but he goes to the police department to see him. Ed sees him and wants to talk to him no matter the cost. And he does that... And things don’t end that friendly for him because Oswald thinks he’s a weirdo and asks him to fuck off, basically. It reminded me of kd’s first meeting where KS was the one admiring JI all along but JI get frightned. But, during their second meeting, they bond and become friends. For Nygmobs it takes more time for their second meeting but they end up developing and being in good terms :’)

Their personas, sort of: Ed is the tall one, younger and logic. Oswald is the oldest, smaller and that thinks with his heart. I love how JI could show the more logic side of himself during the last few years and, again, while reading Nygmobs fics using kd names, it was easy to fit the profile for me (that was during the time I wasn’t too deep into nygmobs and I didn’t knok them that well. KS looks cold and deatached and that’s why many people got impressed when he said, during Knowing Bros that he would choose love over friendship. He doesn’t play the part but, considering all the context, it fits him pretty well and reading this description of Oswald made me so familiar because it fits KD well. Ofc I don’t know their private lives and whatever but it’s just the impression I had as a viewer and random person;

Drama issue: when I say drama here, it’s related with how people percieve the two OTPs and how different people visualize LGBT relationship in media. Nygmobblepot had a lot of drama involved because they’re the fucking Riddler and Penguin, two of the most famous Batman villains. People saw them in different sorts of media before and others idolize those characters because of videogames and comics. So, when Oswald mentioned expressedly that he was in love with Edward, it caused an uproar in the fandom. People accused the producers and Robin of messing with the comic canon because the fucking Penguin became gay??? Robin was outspoken about the homophobia behind those statements since he’s a gay man himself but yeah, the drama existed. Part of the people invovled with the series rooted for Nygmobblepot, including some writers and the actors (Cory was the one with ambiguous messages about the nature of their relationship but it’s not even close what happened with other series like Supergirl, Supernatural and Sherlock). But it was aired by FOX, a right wing channel and, as you may imagine, they didn’t become canon per se. Actually, after Oswald said he was in love with Ed and planned on confessing to him, the writers presented a clone of Ed’s ex girlfriend with no explanation and purpose, only to separate them for most part of the series future. After that, some people seemed to have FORGOTTEN Oswald was once in love with Edward, rationalizing many things that are hard to explain with a “bro explanation”, they had a scene where the characters would have evolved even more but it was CUTTED and CHANGED and execs added the sentence “we’re brothers” to make EXPLICIT that Nygmobblepot’s relationship wouldn’t be interpreted as a romance at the end of the series (but, honestly, the actors went for the romance path anyway, the deleted scenes and the final episode can’t convince me otherwise).

What’s related with KD, may you ask? I think you’re familiar with all the drama KD faced since 2016 and how many stuff exploded during that time. How many parts are involved into creating a certain image and shifting it to be appealing and “friendly” is similar with what happens with idols. It’s no secret now about many scandals of bullying and other issues that are considered problematic and how they need to be pushed under the rug for companies so idols can make money and be profitable. Especially for male idols, it’s important that they are viewed as desirable and an object of the fans affections. That’s why he needs to be handsome and kind and look like a person that doesn’t exist. If an idol is openly gay, this person isn’t viewed by the major public with the same interest because they can’t fit the fantasy. That’s why scandals involving idols being gay need to be forgotten and deleted from people’s minds, otherwise that celebrity is ostracized. Although we tend to see the Ocident as “progressive”, there’s similar things happening in that industry. If a celebrity is openly LGBT, they don’t receive certain roles or opportunities because of it. There’s still a huge stigma that needs to be broken and we, as a society, are so far way from it. But recognizing those differences exist it’s a step forward.

Similarities with Smaylor

For me, one of the reasons Nygmobblepot works so well is because of the actors. They portrait a good chemistry because of their friendship off screen and some non verbal signs they display around each other are amazing. Those are things that remind me more of KD as we see them in a lot of moments. So, I wanted space to show those comparisons below:

Mutual admiration: it’s something both Smaylor and KD display a LOT and is extrememly outspoken. I really love watching their old interviews because the affection and admiration is so genuine it makes me drawn to them despite not being romantically involved.

(full gifset)

(there are more moments than these but I don’t want to steal gifs and there’s not much on the gif research and that sucks. Same with KD’s).

Stares and touches: Robin was the responsible for the deep stares and Cory for the random touches. There’s so many gifs of it that is hilarious. It’s like JI divided himself in two cells because we know he’s more known for both >.<

(Cory was touching Robin all the way during this interview rip)

(the gifset!!!)

You’re pretty moment: Robin, like KS, is the one that mentions about Cory/JI’s physical attributes. They have a moment pretty similar and, for KD its famous among shippers:

(gif link)

(actually, Robin called Cory dashingly handsome but its okay)

Cory lost it

There’s another series of gifsets with Robin calling Cory handsome LMAOO

:))))

Synchronization: for specialists in body language, it’s a factor that shows two people are close. That’s because of the mirror neurons we have that makes us copy movements, actions or words that someone we have empathy/we are close with do or say. Both kd and smaylor do this and it’s really soft.

(one of the classics)

(classic 2)

whole gifset (i love this interview so much)

(gif)

The fact the actors came up with their OTP names: people tend to forget that KD’s real otp name (according with Jongin) is dika. Cory also came up with Nygmobblepot name and Smaylor too <3

So, meanwhile Nygmobs has thropies that work a lot with KD AUs, Smaylor has healthy dynamics seen in public appearances KD made. Like I said above, there’s a huge polemic about shipping Smaylor romantically because Robin is married. On social media, is visible he loves his husband and it’s pretty cute to see. Cory himself mentioned that their relationship was sort of a platonic friendship (whatever that means) but it’s really genuine in terms of affections and display of admiration, something KD has as well.

Probably someone will question that it may changed the way I see KD or if now I ship them as bros. Nothing about that changed. With KD, although there are some similar details, there are internal AND external factors that made me support them in a romantic perspective in the first place. And it didn’t change. 

But both of them (Nygmobs too) make me feel that I’m testimoning something genuine, which is really hard in both kpop and media universes. In one side, we have a LOT of fanservice. And, in the other, it’s mostly a work interaction with lots of queerbating. Yes, Gotham has queerbating aspects in it but it’s not full of queerbating, if it makes sense. The message the actors and some writers wanted to convey are there and really display a romantic direction with character evolution and growth. And, considering the way media is nowadays, it’s nice to see.

[saucysamu]

Okay so... I know you’re not in the mood to write rn but still emergency request? like you can do a really small one bbygirl and don’t pressure yourself to write it immediately! ❤️

My friend just tiggered me cause she bought the same pair of trousers I got and she has them in S and I needed L. Like I would‘ve never fit in S. Yet she does and her body is similar to mine? Also she gained weight & I lost some?? and I’m just confused and my mind is getting stupid Ed related thoughts again like? I lost weight & gained muscles yet I’m still too fat??? Eventho I’m not like you can see my ripcage ??? & can I get some comfort from Oikawa, Sakusa & Atsumu pls?

My love I hope you’re doing better by now and don’t keep on spending your time thinking about that 🥺 you know you can rant to me whenever you feel like it, ilysm ❤️

Anyways here we go,,

Oikawa, Sakusa and Atsumu x reader who struggles with an ED

warnings: mention of ED/ body image/ food

Oikawa

* You’ve been dating for quite a while so Oikawa is aware of what went through your mind back then 

* and he knows how to deal with it quite well??

* though he wished he didn’t have to, you’re so perfect in his eyes he will never be able to wrap his head around how someone like you would worry about such things

* so when you mention it all awkwardly to him that,, specific thoughts keep occurring again his mind goes A L A R M

* you even feel too embarrassed to look at him at all, but what for?

* he hugs you softly, placing his chin on the top of your head “you know I would never judge you for the way you feel right?” you just hum quietly as a response

* ladies, gentlemen and non-binary babes: here we have another king of pushing your self-esteem or crushing it in the case of enemies

* idk how he does it but he always says the right things to you without messing up or triggering you

* bet he’s the first one to distract you and support you like no other

* bitch cooks recipes of your fave foods to cook them more healthily so you won’t feel guilty

* need a gym buddy? Oikawa agrees before you can even ask him 

* he tries to be subtle when observing your behavior bc even when he acts calm he’s still worried to death

* however it doesn’t stay unnoticed by you lol and you’d just reassure him with a teasing grin

* as much as he wants to believe it, he catches himself at times just wanting to make extra sure,,

* but he knows you’re strong!! and a fighter!! 

* Still cautious when it comes to food even if you got better, it low-key became a habit of his to make sure you eat properly

* honestly can’t wait to go shopping with you again to hype you tf up and show you off to the world like “Ha! I have the prettiest gf on earth!! Watch her go off!!!”

Sakusa

* oh boy oh boy it took so long for the both of you to finally date so you can bet your ass he cares about you almost more than cleanliness,, almost

* which means there are only two things that make him feel startled,,, germs and you suffering

* he was NOT prepared for this

* I’m not gonna lie he’s the type that never got behind how being mentally ill worked, he always took everything as it was and would usually roll his eyes at someone claiming they’re depressed like honestly he’s such a “get over it, everyone gets sad sometimes😔✌🏻” - kind of guy cbdahjbks help💀

* well at least that is until he started to get to know you

* at the beginning he was still in denial like ??? iTs NoT ThaT ComPLiCatEd someone give this man some empathy PLEASE

* scratch that when he finds out how severe this can actually get yes he watched documentaries on EDs but if you asked no he didn’t 

* you notice his caution now tho like come on it’s obvious

* finds excuses to spend more time with you, always wants to be as close to you as possible my guy wants make sure you’re not ✨messing around✨

* suspiciously more affectionate than before

* adjusts to you more easily now like who are we kidding this man wants you to be okay, no, GLOWING bc you’re his precious baby

* cuddle sessions with you sitting between his legs, leaning against his chest while doing your daily self care routine and watching cheesy Netflix originals

* it’d be quiet the whole time and out of nowhere he’d randomly tell you how beautiful and perfectly clean you are and how much he loves you,, as if it was nothing,,smh OmiOmi

* he’s too awkward to suggest actually useful things to you,, I mean his emotional intelligence is a little uhhh behind so what do we expect

* would do anything for you that is of help tho so if you ask him to do this or that he’d never say no to you

* cooks healthy meals for you and yes he CAN cook

* if you ever argued about it then it would probably be bc he doesn’t get how you can think so low of yourself. He doesn’t want to be angry let alone show his anger about it to you but sometimes he can’t help but feeling frustrated. You both can be stubborn so it probably takes a while for him to make it up to. 

* his apologies are the most sincere you’ll ever witness.

* actually puts a lot of effort into those so you just can’t stay angry with him ://

* he really tries his best and sometimes in a moment of silence when you two lie down cuddled up with tangled legs and your ear pressed against his chest, his heartbeat reassures you that he’s there for you no matter what.

Atsumu

* he always thought you were being sarcastic whenever you left remarks on your body

* malfunctions when he realize you weren’t 

* ffs he’s overwhelmed and doesn’t know what to say when you actually talk about it

* tries to bite down his tears

* he fails

* and just hugs you tightly from behind so you don’t see him like that

* soft whispers in your ear that he’ll make you love yourself the way you should while cradling you 

* he’s not convinced he’ll be able to actually manage that but you can be certain he’ll put his whole heart into trying so.

* internal panic when he sees you being down so he awkwardly tries to light your mood with bad fuckin jokes,, he doesn’t know you laugh at the actual jokes but rather at him 💀

* like the perfect clumsy boyfriend he is - his attempts to cook something you’d be comfortable with go horribly wrong since he can’t cook for shit so he begs Osamu to cook something for you and Atsumu would just take his bike and get to Onigiri Miya and back in no time

* his clumsiness would distract you all the time and you can’t convince me otherwise 

* when you laugh at him like that he’d pout out of embarrassment but it would turn into a smile at the way you laugh right after like ugh he’s blessed

* probably asks Osamu for advice every now and then and his brother is just like??? you’re asking ME?? despite him still giving good advice

* ofc he works out with you what did you expect though he doesn’t want you to overdo it 🥺

* wants you to be around whenever he has practice or games, he’s more at peace knowing you’re not doing god knows what

* and you better keep your eyes and mind on him at all times 👀😼

* showering you with so many compliments like even about things you didn’t even notice yourself, he’s just really paying attention to you thoroughly it seems like every day he loves you more and more and he makes sure you realize that.

I really hope you liked it and I’d be happy about any feedback so please leave some bc I’m kinda insecure about my writing in general lol

[howwelldoyouknowyourmoon]

Rest in peace, Ed Coffman

Ed Coffman, a long-time contributor to the ex-Moonie blogs, including HWDYKYM, passed away peacefully last month. You may know him by his aliases—Don Diligent or Mr. Moon Critic. 

Ed Coffman was a Unification Church member and, later in life, critic of the church and its founder, Rev. Moon. He poured hours and hours into research, constantly connecting with ex-members and those with intel about church corruption, as well as countless visits to the Michael Warder Collection. He also actively helped 2nd generation "connect the dots" in understanding the corruption of the church, even making space for second generation who were active in the church, speaking to the Luna Stream earlier this year. 

Though his criticisms were publicized via ex-Moonie blogs, he was discrete in his dissidence, publicly appearing a member in order to keep his job. He worked for a church company which kept him separated from his family in Panama and lodging at church members' houses throughout the US. 

Today I'm thinking about the weepy conversations Ed and I shared over beers five or so years ago, as well as on the phone—about the Moon family, his years as a believing member, the second generation, how much he missed his family all the time, etc. I’m thinking about his kindness and empathy.

The last few years, Ed and I talked less. He was consistent in sending me research, and even encouragement, but I was a less than attentive friend. This makes me ashamed. There was so much more research he wanted to share. I wish we talked more the last few years. I wish I listened more. 

He also had so much excitement for his son, becoming his own person, finding his way in the world. He wanted everything for his son. The truth is, he wanted the same thing for all 2nd gen who were born into the Unification Church's mess. The second generation motivated his work, every day.

You will be remembered with warmth and love, Ed. Memory eternal.

-HS Please share his family’s GoFundMe, so they can have a proper memorial in LA. 

[detectivejay-chuckles-halstead]

Gone // Jay Halstead x Reader

Description: Loss is a tricky thing

Warnings: Major Character Death

Pairing: Jay Halstead x Reader

Words: 1786

“I-I don’t...No. You’re wrong,” you insisted as the red-head you’d become familiar with stood in front of you, a somber look staring back at you. “You’re wrong! He can’t be...No. You’re wrong!” you screamed, tears streaming down your face much like they had been for the last hour since arriving at the hospital. 

Strong arms wrapped around you, pulling you to familiar contours of his chest. You wouldn’t look at Will, not anymore. There could have been something else he could have done, anything else. He was a doctor. It was his job to fix people, to save people. He could have been saved, you were sure of it. 

He was your partner. One of your closest friends. He was family. You were supposed to have each other’s backs. You did have his back. Strong arms kept you close as you sobbed, clutching the fabric of a t-shirt. 

“Let’s go home,” he said softly after your sobs had died down.

You shook your head. You couldn’t just leave him here alone. He didn’t deserve to be alone. You were supposed to have his back. 

“I-I need to see him,” you finally choked out, voice rough from all the crying. You were sure your eyes were red and puffy, nose still running. “I need to see him. To make it real,” you said again, voice cracking with emotion still. 

He nodded, hand on your lower back as the two of you walked back into the ED to find Will. He explained your request, Will hesitating before agreeing and leading the two of you down to the morgue where his body was being kept until the coroner could come take custody. It was a death that needed to be investigated. He was a cop killed in the line of duty. And he deserved justice. 

The room was cold, stale. You never thought a room could feel like death, but it did. It was the space in between. And there he was on a metal slab. The hospital gown still on his body, breathing tube still in his throat. You tried not to cry, thinking you couldn’t cry anymore, but the tears kept coming. 

“I’ve got you,” he assured you, hand grasping yours. Even through your own grief, you could hear the sadness in his voice as well. You weren’t the only one who was hurting. “I’m here.” 

You could barely register his words over the blood thrumming in your ears with every heartbeat. It wasn’t right. He should be cracking a joke, making the team laugh with his stupid jokes. He shouldn’t be dead on a metal slab in the basement of a hospital. His skin shouldn’t be pale white, skin ice cold -- you were sure, but you weren’t allowed to touch him. He should be breathing. Talking. Living. Yet, here he was. Dead. 

“Adam,” you choked out as you looked at him, expecting some kind of movement from the man. Yet there was nothing. 

“He wasn’t feeling anything,” Will told you softly. “By the time the bullet left his body, he wasn’t feeling anything. There was nothing anybody could have done.”

“You think that makes me feel better, Will?” you spat at him, anger rising fast to drown out your grief. “You think that knowing he wasn’t feeling anything makes it any better? How the fuck is that supposed to make it better? He was shot because of me! He was shot because I hesitated! He is dead! My best friend is dead because of-!” 

You couldn’t, air catching in the back of your throat as another sob tore from your chest. You would have fallen to the ground if Jay wasn’t there to keep you up, bearing the entirety of your body weight with his arms. From there, it was a controlled descent to the cold ground, Jay’s arms coming around you from behind, holding you to his chest. 

“I’ve got you,” he said again, voice shaking. “I’ve got you, Y/N. Just...leave us, please, Will.”

He looked up at his brother, the doctor walking out of the room, leaving you and Jay on the floor, crying. Crying because you’d both lost a close friend. Crying because the family you’d built was now broken again, would keep breaking until there was nobody left. It would keep breaking until there was an entirely new team, and one person would be the Olinsky of the team. The one that would be there to guide the younger detectives. The one who was so cynical, who had their own ways of doing things. 

That’s what your destinies were in Intelligence. A specialized unit. Specialized deaths. Gun shots, shanks in prison. Near death experiences of overdoses and kidnappings. A specialized unit. Specialized traumas. Specialized relationships. Specialized. Specialized. Specialized. That’s what everyone called the team. Specialized. If you were so specialized, you wouldn’t be dying off one by one.

“Let’s go home,” Jay said again. This time you agreed, letting him help you stand up and walk out of the building. You ignored the looks some of the staff gave you, the ones who knew the two of you and the situation. 

The ‘specialized’ team was off the case now that one of their own was dead, Homicide taking over. Jay had been able to go back to work with relative ease, but you...not so much. Adam was the brother you never had, and his death was hitting you the hardest. Even Kim had been able to go back after the funeral. You couldn’t. You couldn’t be put with someone else. You couldn’t watch as a new detective took over his desk, sat where he used to sit and it not be him. He was a ghost now, haunting every corner of that building. Haunting Molly’s, and your apartment, and just everywhere you went you still saw him. 

“How are you holding up, kiddo?” Voight asked after you let him in, figuring Jay was the one who sent him to talk some sense into you.

You knew your fiance hated seeing you like this. He’d tried everything to bring some happiness into your life, to bring you out of this darkness. Yet, it was nearly impossible. You were tied down to your grief. Which meant he started working longer hours, wasn’t home as much. Which led you to go even deeper into the dark. 

“You want the truth? Or do you want me to sugar coat it like I do with Jay?” 

The two of you sat on the couch, allowing you to pull the blanket around yourself again. As you looked around the apartment, you knew the only reason it was clean was because when Jay was home, he was cleaning up your messes. Like he always did. 

“You know me. I can handle the truth,” he reminded you. 

“I just...I don’t think I can go back there, Hank. I can’t just go and him not be there. Just the thought of somebody taking his spot breaks my heart even more than it already is. He was my brother. And I can’t help but ask myself, ‘who’s next?’ You know? Which one of us is going to get killed because of what we do? Is it going to be Hailey? Or Kim? Or Kevin? Or you? God forbid it’s Jay, because I would not survive that one,” you told him. “He’s everywhere, Hank. Everywhere I look. And I’m-.” Your voice cracked again as you pointed to yourself. “I’m the reason he’s dead.” 

“Y/N, you’re not the reason he’s dead,” Voight told you, voice steady like it always was. “A thug is the reason he’s dead. A bullet is the reason he’s dead. You did everything right. IA said you did everything right. So do I. You’re the only one blaming yourself for Adam dying because it gives you someone to blame. It gives you some reason why he’s dead, when there is no reason behind it.”

“I hesitated!”

“You were trying to talk down a kid! A child! A sixteen year old boy who shouldn’t have had a gun in the first place, but got sucked into the gang life. You had empathy for a child. Like you always do. You and Halstead, you’re both wired through your hearts. That doesn’t mean you’re the reason Adam’s dead,” he continued insisting, as if you hearing it enough would make you finally believe it. 

“What am I supposed to do without him?” you finally asked for the first time in the weeks since he died. “How am I supposed to go on?”

“First, you’re going to take a shower. Make some dinner. Jay is going to come home, and you’re going to talk to him about all of this. Let him in again, because he wants to be here for you but he don’t know how. Then, you’re going to get yourself together. And next week, I expect you back in the office at least on desk duty. You’re going to learn how to live in a world with Adam gone,” he explained. “And you’re going to realize that you’re not the only one who sees a ghost, that you’re not the only one still learning to handle your grief.” 

“Y/N, you awake?” Jay called out, the door shutting behind him. Hank reached across to squeeze your hand before getting up. “Hank.”

Voight nodded at Jay before leaving the apartment, leaving you with Jay. You’d agreed to marry the man, and yet he was now looking at you as if you were a stranger sitting on that couch. 

“Sit with me?” you asked. There was no hesitation as he sat down next to you, letting you lean into him. “I’m sorry for everything the past few weeks, Jay. I’m so sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for.” Of course he would say that, make it seem as if you were just grieving. 

“I do though. I’ve been pushing you away, and it’s not fair to you. But...I have to move on. I have to learn to live without him. And I know you don’t fully understand, but he was the brother I didn’t have. I loved him, you know? He was there for so much. But...he’s dead. Adam is dead, and I have to learn to live with that,” you explained to him. “And I’m sorry that I’ve been lost and distant, but I’m trying to get better. I promise. I’m going to start trying,” 

“I’ve got you,” he told you yet again, and this time, you really believed it. He was going to be your rock in this storm that you were living. And you had to learn to rely on him.

[confusion-core]

Story

Despite the title, this isn't a fictional story. This is a true account of my experience with self harm, because I've heard it can be therapeutic to write about it, plus I want somebody to hear this story, especially if it'll mean somebody else will be discouraged from doing it in the future. Trigger warning for references to mental illness, self harm, suicidal ideation, attempted suicide, maybe ED. If you don't wish to read about any of those things, please don't read this. If you know me in real life, please don't read this and just pretend you didn't see it, especially if you're a close friend, because I don't want anybody close to me knowing about these things. Also if anybody tries to reblog this with a joke or make light of it, they will immediately be blocked.

I'm gonna start from when I was very young, so that you have full context, and work my way up from there, because every part of this is important to understand the whole story.

3 years old - I hadn't yet said my first words (I was non verbal until I was 7) but I taken my first steps. This would be a cause for celebration, but honestly I wasn't really in the mood for celebrating. This next bit's kind of shaky because a lot of it is from 2nd hand accounts and I have trouble remembering from around this time, except for the days where I start remembering every detail of it. My mother was just starting to get the full effects of her thyroid problem, but she hadn't yet been diagnosed with it because she didn't trust the doctors apparently. Another thing she didn't trust was me and my one year older brother, and she thought we were out to get her. She'd spend hours alone in the living room crying and hiding from us, one of the few scenes I can regularly remember because I had/have a lot of dreams about how my dad would stand in front of the door, trying to convince us to not go in when all we wanted was to help her. I don't hold this against her, because she wasn't in her right mind at the time, but I do hold it against my father that he didn't send us to stay with somebody else for fear of somebody calling child protection services.

9 years old - My mother told me that I might have a thyroid problem like she and my uncle did, and I couldn't stop thinking about it because I knew that the one reason I didn't resent her was because she had no way of telling in that time with limited information, so if I didn't do my best to figure it out then I'd be doing the same to my kids, but I wouldn't have any excuses. I'd be letting them down, and that idea hurt me on a much deeper level than having been on the receiving end myself.

12 years old - My mother had forgotten about taking me to a doctor over time, and I never brought it up because I knew it'd lead to a conversation with her about how it affected me and I really didn't want to have that talk. Not then, not now, not ever. It's not that I thought she would be offended, but I knew it would break her heart to hear it from her own son. And so, at this point, I couldn't stop spiraling thinking about it, and every time I thought about it I'd get little flashes in my mind's eye of what I was there for, it lead to me laying in bed just shaking thinking of doing that to my children while knowing I could've done something about it and neglected to. One night, I just broke. I wanted to break something but I didn't have anything on hand, so I just picked up something sharp, maybe it was a razer I think, it might have just been a regular blade, and slashed it at my wrist. The first time didn't cut too deep, but after a moment I realised that the pain made everything else seem just a little less high-stakes. I did it again, and again, and again, the whole time still shaking and crying until I was a bloody, snotty mess. I did the same again the next day and the next after that etcetera for the next month or so, but everyday I'd cut just a little deeper. It did make me feel better, temporarily, but the cuts hurt like a bitch, I'd be whimpering from somebody laying their hand on my arm.

13 years old - A year later, I'd almost completely stopped when it came the time of year when I did it the first time, and I started feeling anxious and shaky all over again, and again I did it. At this point, I started feeling sick to my stomach at the thought of food, throwing up and starving myself for days at a time, and other times I wouldn't be able to stop eating. My mother found the scars, I told her it was a one time thing.

... then I did it again, the next year, and the year after that, and the year after that, and the year after that.

Around the 3 year milestone it stopped bringing me that sense of clarity, and just made me feel empty. Pain in general started making me itch for more, I'd fall over and suddenly all I'd want would be to bang my head one more time. I still feel that, and I recently found out that that's because you can become chemically addicted to pain, and I did. It was miserable, I started wishing that it would end. Last year, it almost did when I had my mouth full to bursting with painkillers, ready to swallow when when my mother's dog came into the kitchen. I panicked and spat them into the sink, and sat on the floor and cried. My dog comforted me, usually he's happy and energetic but he has amazing empathy and is seriously good at reading the room when it matters. People keep asking me why he suddenly became my favourite thing in the world overnight, and I just tell them he's cuter but in reality it's because I literally owe him my life. I would actually be dead if it weren't for him, and I love him for that, and the fact that he knew just how to help.

16 years old - New Year's Day, I was helping my family set up for dinner. Everything started looking kind of blue for some reason, I was getting tunnel vision and suddenly I felt dizzy, as if I were drunk. I wanted to mention this but my mother was saying something and I didn't want to interrupt, even though I couldn't understand a word she was saying, and being a pushover became my downfall. My vision went dark, but I could tell I was still standing, and I could see a bunch of shapes and lines in white in the darkness, and what appeared to be the outline of a person facing away from me. I couldn't see anywhere I was going, and I just stumbled blindly. After about 5 seconds, I felt something on the back of my knee and toppled, and as I hit the floor my vision suddenly came back. I was splayed out on the floor, my sister was looking at me and my mother and panicking, asking me what was going on, and I just kept telling her I didn't know. She said she was going to take me to a doctor, but never got round to it, and after a while I realised that it was a hallucination, since I still get them sometimes on much lower levels like hearing slide whistles and circus music. I digress, though, the night of that New Year's, I was still shaken by what happened and when I went to grab a glass in my bedroom I didn't close my hand and it smashed against the floor. I was still shaken, and in kind of a daze, and I took one of the shards and dragged it straight across my arm. Then several more times.

Now - it's been almost half a year since I last did it, and yeah, I still have nightmares about being an infant with a chemically imbalanced mother, and I'm still not sure if I have a thyroid problem or not, and I can't look at shadows without being reminded of New Year's Eve, but this is all shit I could've worked out in therapy. Now, I turn into a sniveling shaking mess acting like a scolded puppy whenever I hear a glass break, I can't listen to my favourite song because I listened to it while doing the deed once, and I literally have a chemical addiction to pain. None of the latter would've been true if I hadn't done it that one very first time, so to anybody who wants to "try it out" or "see what it's like", please, I beg of you, don't do it. It's not worth the youth it'll take away from you.

[wyrdify]

@alchemic-elric​ asked: He's knows they had an awful conversation yesterday. He knows his depression is making messes it doesn't need to so with eyes on the floor he speaks. "Dad 'm sorry I've been so much like gravity lately." He sounds in a small voice. "I've been a real downer. " he's trying so hard.

In retrospect, he could have handled the conversation with Edward better---a lot better. After he left the room and went to sit downstairs on the couch, he munched on crackers and thought. Per status quo, he let his emotions cloud his better judgment, and he treated the conversation as if they sat in his office instead of the comfort of their own home. He demanded information like Edward’s depression was another assignment. That wasn’t how it worked.

For fuck’s sake, his tactic wouldn’t have worked on him if the roles were reversed. Pushing for answers always made him double-down, get aggressive, or both. But, fear got into his head, and it drowned out his usual empathy and common sense. It whispered in his ear that because Edward was depressed, he failed, and he needed to be told how to do better, how to help instead of doing something.

He hated deep breathing exercises, but they worked. For a while, that was all he did as he sat on the couch. Slow inhale, hold it for a few seconds, and slow release---simple instructions to follow. All right, he figured out how and where he messed up. Instead of focusing on that, and thus beating himself up for the next century, he needed to figure out a better approach. The first step was simple: apologize. After that, he needed to give himself time to think through his words and actions. Situations and circumstances changed every single day, sometimes by the hour.

Apologizing needed to be the second step after some sleep. Staying on the floor for most of the day did not do him any favors. Lyssa was right: it was better that he stayed on the couch. He dozed off after a while, getting in a few hours of sleep while color returned to his cheeks. If he dreamed, he didn’t remember what about. When he woke up, he felt better---not one hundred percent, but he wasn’t the embodiment of a walking mess.

Edward found him when he was in the kitchen preparing to make breakfast. His full attention went to his eldest son as their gazes didn’t meet---yes, he supposed that was expected. About to open his mouth, he closed it again as he listened to what Ed said again. Right, it was Saturday. Thank fuck one of them remembered what day of the week it was. A weak smile sat on his face before he nodded his head.

“It’s okay,” he started as he worked on cracking eggs into a bowl. Since Edward started teaching him how to cook, he got better and faster at doing this task. “There’ll be days when you’re more like gravity than others, and days when you’re not. It’s okay, Edward. I love you no matter what kind of day you’re having.” Depression happened. It was just a fact of life for Edward and for him. If that made them abnormal, then so be it. “I’m sorry too. I wasn’t understanding that I had the formula for universal gravitation wrong until later. Had the calculation for G completely off.”

He thought Edward’s depression was one thing, and he tried to make the formula work with it when he should have paused to reexamine his work. In case that got lost in translation, though, he decided to clarify.

“I pushed too much, and I wasn’t listening to what you were telling me. So, I’m going to work on that.” He stepped away from the counter, letting his arms hang at his sides as he looked to Edward. ”Can I... would you like a hug?” Another area he still needed to work on, and he was determined to be better there as well. For his sons, he planned to be the best version of himself as much as he could.

[comicteaparty]

May 16th-May 22nd, 2020 Creator Babble Archive

The archive for the Creator Babble chat that occurred from May 16th, 2020 to May 22nd, 2020.  The chat focused on the following question:

What are you trying to show or tell with your story that you find to be underrepresented?

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

-Mind control/mind reading where both people are okay with it. I like themes of trust -"Superpowers" without secret identities. Because researchers aren't always evil goddamnit! -Portraying people who hurt others not as card-carrying megalomaniac villains but as pitiful and broken people. I haven't gotten to this part of my story yet but I hope I can do it well when I do. -Queer characters but they never say that they are or talk about it in any way. Yes I know I'm probably the only one who wants this

Also, maybe the idea that you don't need to "do anything" with your life for it to be worthwhile? But I'm not sure that I believe this myself

Deo101 [Millennium]

Mostly I'm trying to write about love, and I hardly think that's underrepresented! But, I'm also trying to show a bit of my own personal disabled experience, and I find that the kinds of things I've experienced are hardly represented at all. so, I think I'm trying to show a sort of hope and positivity for things that I think are usually pitied and viewed negatively, which I wish were done more.

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

I just wanted a good ol' classic Eddings-style fantasy romp, but with characters that would usually be cast in the "evil" role, without going the "misunderstood" route.

Plus I wanted to write about shitty family (born, found and married) and that you do NOT have to forgive them in the slightest to move on and better your life.

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

Hmm... One of the main things I want to express with Whispers of the Past is that after past traumas, you may not be the same, but eventually, you can be okay again—even if your "okay" of now, is very different than your "okay" of the past. Normalcy isn't a constant. It shifts with time and becomes something new. A new stasis. A new peace. A new normal. I don't know if I've ever seen another story show this in this way. Another underrepresented theme in WotP is that of the hero choosing mundanity over the amazing. When the quest is over, and all is said and done, and the big baddie has been vanquished, the hero doesn't become ruler, or claim bountiful riches, or sail across the sea to find new lands. No, the hero returns to a world that is familiar and unremarkable. The hero would rather just be an average person.

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

-Fanfiction. I’m very surprised there hasn’t been a webcomic talking about what it’s like to create fanfiction! But overall the culture involved around it and being a creator. -The relationship and hardships of having a stepparent/being one. Particularly stepdad/stepdaughter relationships -Anger as a reaction to trauma. I see a lot of trauma portrayed as mostly sad, but I want a story where the heroes feel anger, where it’s seen as both a motivator and a detriment -The hardships of dating as someone who’s both touch aversive and on the grey spectrum. Not everyone would be as wonderful or understanding, but it’s important to be around people who are and will stand by you.(edited)

eliushi [a winged tale]

This is why I gravitate towards all these stories made by independent creators I think. So many personal and poignant messages. I’m with you there on the queer characters Eightfish. I want a society where it’s fine to be what you wish and respected to be who you want to be. I think having more positive ways of showing how we can reach that sort of openness can be helpful. In AWT I further explore: - characters in STEM fields and approaches to research design - informed consent and what that means - how to live even when things are falling apart around you, when things are falling apart within you - navigating through crushes, confessions and friendships!

Wow the beginning sounds like the objectives at a science lecture and you won’t be wrong thinking so

Joichi [Hybrid Dolls]

For my Hybrid Dolls comic, there are several things I want to explore: - Psychological trauma and the effects or damage it can give, without proper treatment. -Writing queer characters without them needing a self discovery episode. But I know some identities are better to be upfront? But in the story, they simply live normal or exciting lives - Narcissism in a relative that one doesn't have to forgive. Being treated as invisible or judged by age, birthright. - Other Concepts of love explored. Attraction that isn't conventional romance. - Friendship bonds between girls, and my own take on an eccentric quirky girl lead. - Being unapologetically feminine, girls who doesn't need to feel like being 'one of the guys' I'm aiming for more character variety in historical fiction, instead of yet another story of a girl 'defying gender norms' by raised as a boy/disguises trope in other similar comics. So the women in my story, use their wits and charm.(edited)

DanitheCarutor

I complain about this all the time, so I'm just going to do a quick overview since I'm sure everyone is sick of it. - Abusers can be smart, popular, generous, charismatic and subtle. I'm kind of sick of them always being portrayed as really obvious, and sometimes really stupid, while there are people like that it's not very practical for them all to be like that. - General mental health stuff. More open representation of it, that it may be something you'll live with for the rest of your life and how that's okay. - Trauma, how it can change you, make you lose sight of the person you were and make you lose interest in things you used to enjoy. (this is coupled with mental health) - Non-romantic relationships with a queer cast. While this is showing up more in fantastical indie works, not very common in slice-of-life type of comics. I can only imagine this is because readers would find it boring or too mundane (can't tell you all how many people tell me my comic is boring. Lol), but being a person totally sick of romance in everything I wanted to do something focusing on family, friendship and the relationships we have with ourselves. - You don't always heal completely. I've already mentioned this, but I want to put a focus on how someone who's been through a lot of shit doesn't alway heal completely, and that's okay. I see in a lot of media where people just overcome their issues, and they live happily ever after with everything all perfect, I want something along the lines of "we still got a long way to go, but we're doing better and we're happier than before". - Not having labels for everything. This sounds like hipster trash, but I don't see the point in putting labels for every character. Like, I put labels for them, mostly during Pride, but it feels pointless in the comic. Apollo is happy to say he's a gay man, but with Julian they're not interested in categorising themselves, all they want is to be comfortable and I don't see nothing wrong with that.(edited)

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

For me, it’s the importance of communication and empathy, and the dangers of its absence. And it’s something I’ve had to think about a lot recently, being more active on social media Everyone’s got their reasons/methods for cutting people off, but I’ve never been a huge fan of a point-blank communication cut unless it’s absolutely warranted. And I’m not a fan of instant demonization when someone messes up or does something I don’t agree with. People are people. We’re all different and we all mess up and we all can change. Keeping lines of communication open is essential for allowing that change, or else we all get locked into little echo chambers where anyone outside is automatically The Worst.™ In a world where everything has gone to hell - and may go further yet - how can things heal when no one is even listening to each other? Where the other side is automatically at fault no matter what? It’s something I grew up struggling to understand (maybe because I grew up outside Washington DC, lol), and really affects me to this day. And if you do end up protecting yourself with silence, how can you still allow other perspectives to be gleaned? I don’t quite have the perfect formula for it. But unless someone is genuinely trying to cause harm, I try to at least attempt to understand where they might coming from - whether I accept it or not. Otherwise it’s so easy to see a lot of people as monsters. It’s a complicated topic for sure, especially nowadays. But yeah. Something like that

Miranda

Hmm that’s an excellent question. Well, a big thing is the varying effects of trauma and ways to handle it. Mainly how burying the past and ignoring traumatic events can affect someone. Also that villains can be people we relate to that just take an extreme way of reaching a goal that most people can understand And how shared experiences can bring people closer (not a unique one) I also want to portray queer characters that are not solely defined by their queerness and don’t have to announce it to everyone.

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

- Having some talks about the implications of asking what you wish for and the potential consequences that comes with it. - Having more unappologic Vietnamese things happening in the comic. Giving representation to some common things that most Vietnamese Americans (or Asian Americans) can face in terms of relationships, roles, etc. Also since er i'm also directly affected by this, how does the Mixed-Asian Identity plays about it too.(edited)

hmmm I think another thing is that I want to bring up that men who express themselves in a more feminine form is valid and there's no shame that comes with it (positive masculinity hell yaaaa). Also same about expressing characters who are also queer but aren't defined about it either. it's just what they are along with their other interests and goals.(edited)

sierrabravo (Hans Vogel is Dead)

wow, this is a great question! I'm trying to be better about interacting here so I'll give it a shot. My comic is a historical fantasy set somewhat in Interwar Europe/WWII Europe and partially in a fantasy world based on the Brothers Grimm fairy tales. -War stories/histories that aren't about the actual experience of combat: most memoirs and diaries of soldiers I read doing research are about the day-to-day activities, meals, sleeping habits, and random thoughts instead of fight descriptions. It really bothers me when people zero in on in-depth battle maps and obsess over what kind of rifle was used by whom when, when I think it's much more interesting and important to look at the mindset of who was fighting, why they were fighting, and what emotional effect it had on everyone involved (including civilians!) -Asexuality, especially asexuality in history, bc it tends to "disappear" in the historical record as people who may have been ace before that label was widely used tend to not self-identify as it. I'm ace, people in the past were ace, it's a history I'd like to talk about more! -gryphons, they're cool monsters and I think they should be used much more than they are haha

eliushi [a winged tale]

I agree sierrabravo. I find it’s the personal, down to earth, close perspective accounts in historical records that resonate the most with me. Gryphons are also awesome!

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

I feel like there's two separate answers for Super Galaxy Knights Deluxe R (http://sgkdr.webcomic.ws/comics/) The first is what SGKDR represents compared to other webcomics. To me, a major thing I wanted to show with Super Galaxy Knights was a new style of creating webcomics. Animation is underrepresented as a storytelling style, sure, but the main thing I thought was underrepresented in the webcomic space was a "seasonal" method of storytelling. Like, most webcomics I see are either "each page is its own thing" or "it's one big long story, with chapters mostly there to split up different scenes/locations". I very rarely see webcomics build to a major climax in the story, then a resolution, then introduce a brand new conflict. The second is what SGKDR represents compared to other action series (specifically shonen manga/anime, as that's what SGKDR riffs off of the most). I can only think of one shonen story with a female lead, I can't think of any with an explicitly LGBTQ+ protagonist (i only know of one implied one), romance is usually handled very poorly (characters usually get paired with the protagonist due to being female and in the same room, with very little actual relationship building), there aren't many varieties of character motivations besides "pursuit of power/status" of some kind, power scaling usually gets way out of whack, and I... I dunno, I love those kinds of stories, but it just gets tiring after a while. So, I wrote my own that had all the things I wanted in it.

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

@sierrabravo (Hans Vogel is Dead) I totally agree with the difficulty and importance of talking about ace representation in a historical setting! It's extremely difficult to talk about when asexuality was so unknown at the time. I'm eager to see how you handle it!

eliushi [a winged tale]

@snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights) can you speak about

I very rarely see webcomics build to a major climax in the story, then a resolution, then introduce a brand new conflict.

I find slice of life/ some really long mangas with continuous streams of antagonists/web novel like formats use this too but unsure if that’s what you were referring to?

I am also looking forward to more ace representation in the webcomic world

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

Yeah that format is the sort of thing I was talking about. It's out there, but I don't see it very often.

eliushi [a winged tale]

Ah gotcha! Thanks! I recall some slice of life high school ones I’ve read years ago that have that sort of narrative structure (which feels like the story can continue forever).

Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn)

There's a recurring trope in SF/F where the robot/AI/golem learns that it wants to have free will and make its own decisions. Or there's a biological species that are assumed to be "natural servants", and inevitably you get to the reveal that they're not actually any different from humans in terms of wanting self-determination and independence. If you think of this as a metaphor for relationships between different groups of humans, then yeah, that's the obvious outcome! But one of the great things about SFF is that you can write things that aren't just "direct metaphors for real-world issues, with spaceships and dragons thrown in for flavor." So in But I'm A Cat Person, I wanted to write something about, what if there's a group of beings who really aren't going to develop free will or self-determination? What's the reasonable, ethical way to deal with that? ...also: there's a ton of nonbinary characters in webcomics these days, but at least I can say BICP did it before it was cool.(edited)

Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn)

Leif & Thorn, meanwhile, has a regular old "character forced into servitude, who definitely has independent thoughts and desires that are being controlled" situation. And there's no "Master has given Dobby a sock" loophole they can exploit for a quick fix, so they have to keep up a long-term process of double-talk and rule-bending, to communicate Leif's actual feelings without getting him in trouble. The "realistic language barriers with no convenient universal-translator to get around them" situation -- which, in this comic, is one of the biggest Underrepresented Things I wanted to explore -- makes it that much harder...

Capitania do Azar

I gotta commend you on that, @Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn) because you're out there serving my bilingual needs

kayotics

Ingress Adventuring Company is all about the hero after they've finished saving the world, which I think is pretty underrepresented. It's not a quiet contemplative story, since there's still a lot of fun questing stuff going on, but I'm trying to make it clear that this all takes place after the main character has done his big saving the world quest and is still trying to figure out his place after supposedly settling down.

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I love that Kay

Toivo feels like he has so much history behind him

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

I'm trying to represent orthodox/religious jews because I almost never see my community represented in media. There are orthodox Jewish characters that will be appearing in Joe is dead. In future comics I want to try to plan the story more around including more religious Jewish characters because there still aren't that many in my current project

Also mental illnesses, like trauma and intellectual disability I want to represent my own experiences with it

There isn't as much of a distinct lack of that in media but it's good to have in stories(edited)

Also androgynous lesbians

Nutty (Court of Roses)

With Court of Roses, I'm trying to tell a fantasy story that's for older audiences but proving that Mature Fantasy doesn't have to be ultra gritty. People have each other to depend on, the world isn't bleak, and not every noble is greedy, peasant is starving, etc. I know a lot of fantasy likes to take from realistic Medieval Europe, but the freeing part about making my own world is that it doesn't HAVE to be like that. Their religion is different, more accepting, and again, people are more focused on looking out for each other and having a good time.

Mature themes are still present, such as murder, banditry/pillaging, alcohol, traumatic experiences, etc. but my goal isn't to present them in a darker fashion.(edited)

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

I wanted to make something influenced by my culture (Korean) without heavily drawing from the mythology. Mythology is just one facet of a culture, yet a lot of people who haven't read it expect HoK to be all about Korean mythology just because it wears a metaphorical hanbok. No. It reflects the traditional aesthetics, but more importantly, the cultural values and the unspoken rules of the society, regardless of whether I agree with them or not. Related to that is body language. I don't want my non-American characters using American body language, such as shrugging, or American ways of using eye contact, etc. I want to show them using (mostly) Korean gestures, sitting, standing and walking like Koreans. I always feel like there's a huge missed opportunity when friggin' aliens use American body language in sci-fi! I understand why people do that -- it makes the work more clear/accessible to English-speaking audience. But in HoK I'm taking the other path. It's a challenge for sure, but I would not have it any other way.

On a more thematic level, I really wanted to explore deeply hurtful experiences that happen in genuinely caring relationships. It's not about good guys vs bad guys, it's not about a nice person being hurt by someone who just doesn't care. Those stories certainly are valid, just not what I wanted to do with HoK. This story is about people who love each other, but don't always know how to communicate their love or needs.

Joichi [Hybrid Dolls]

I am also looking forward to more ace representation in the webcomic world

@eliushi [a winged tale] I agree, the ace rep is a challenge I would like to take on, I'm also curious how it will work in historical times? Even tho I'm ace,I'm still learning new innovative things(edited)

eliushi [a winged tale]

It’ll be important to dig deeper and research into what things were like if you want to capture the authenticity of the period you’re writing in! I’m sure there are personal accounts or documentation of these lived experiences.

Capitania do Azar

I see all these beautiful answers and I almost struggle to find something other than those to say I guess for O Sarilho https://www.sarilho.net/en/ I wanted to write a weird love letter to where I live and how I see my country (tho I'm glad I got other places I love in it too). To my knowledge, we don't get much like that, or at least that's not from a city perspective which is not what I'm trying to go for, at all. There's a lot of tiny cultural things that I want to touch that may be invisible for people who are not from here, but I'm glad that I'm including them for those three readers in the back. Linked to this, in a way, is the fact that I get really tired of those white/gray Sci-fi stories where everything is super clean and super white and technology is absolutely overwhelming and organised. I want Sci-fis in the woods too. And finally, there's something about the way violence is portrayed a lot of times that almost makes you feel like human life just is that cheap. I really don't want to go that road, I'm doing my best to tell a story about war in which death still leaves a toll and violence affects everyone involved

TL;DR I WANTED TO PAINT MY HOUSE

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

And finally, there's something about the way violence is portrayed a lot of times that almost makes you feel like human life just is that cheap. I really don't want to go that road, I'm doing my best to tell a story about war in which death still leaves a toll and violence affects everyone involved

@Capitania do Azar This is so beautiful (and tragic). This is something I also hope to express in my work. Super underrepresented message surprisingly.

eliushi [a winged tale]

I enjoy exploring sci-fi beyond the current conventions and absolutely love your setting shizamura!(edited)

Capitania do Azar

Thank u I really love Sci-fi but I don't appreciate that it has become associated with a very specific aesthetic because tbh I find it very limiting

DanitheCarutor

@Capitania do Azar That is actually really refreshing! Horror and action are so packed with glamorized death and violence, you can get really desensitized. The only stories I've ever seen that take those things seriously are war movies based on real life events, like Saving Private Ryan, (which my grandpa, a Korean War vet, said was the most accurate portrayal of what war was like.) and even then you get flicks that totally glamorize the whole thing. I really admire you wanting to put that sense of gravity onto the violence and death in your work, also I love when creators want to tackle war in all it's "too close to home", upsetting realism.

Capitania do Azar

I really love Saving Private Ryan, it is a very nice portrayal with a great message: nobody wants to be here

DanitheCarutor

Yes! I love Saving Private Ryan too, it was nice seeing a movie that didn't make war look like some fantastical bs.

[shuwuwua]

college apartment neighbor!dino

“Apartment neighbor au with Dino? Where you’re college students trying to survive.”

in which it’s a struggle, but some people are worth struggling with [friendship]

word count: 1.3k 

you figure this year will be worse than last year 

since you’re not living in a dorm anymore and thus no longer have residential events that you’re coerced into attending, your avg # of social interactions are most likely going to reduced to... zero to few

look, it takes a lot of energy to leave the confines of your room to walk to your friend’s apartment four blocks down the street

or worse, going somewhere so far you have to take the bus

yeah, #firstworldproblems and all aside, people have said sophomore year is a struggle. 

you barely see anyone

you’re having your mid-college crisis about what to major in i.e. spend the rest of your life in (spoiler: in ten years it won’t matter if you don’t want it to)

and also no one cares about you anymore because you’re not a freshman

so if you mess up, that’s on you, bub

what a lonely, brutal world

that’s how you think your year will go, cooped up in your apartment, grinding for class, maybe an occasional interaction with your roommates

but the universe decides differently

you meet him when you’re moving in

he appears seemingly out of no where as you are slumped over your 5th cardboard box, contemplating whether or not to flop onto the cardboard throne you have been building in front of your door

“hey!! uh, are you ok ??” 

“huh? yeah im just melting : ))”

“so are the rest of us, but we can melt together! do you need some help?”

“oh no, i don’t want to bother you...”

“technically, i’m the one who bothered you,” he says, already walking down the stairs. “which one is your car?”

that’s how your first interaction with chan lee, your cheerful new neighbor and fellow sophomore, plays out

you figure you’ll never see him again 

just because you’re neighbors with someone doesn’t mean you’ll see them 

heck, freshman year you barely saw the people who lived in the room next to you

but as you wait for a lecture to start on the first day of school, someone plops into the seat next to you 

“hi, neighbor!” chan starts. “we’re classmates too, huh? i’m glad you’re here because i don’t actually have any friends in this class. well, aside from you of course.”

you blink a little to process how quickly he speaks. he has a little too much more energy than you can deal with in the morning. 

as he takes out his school supplies, he turns back to you after your lack of response. “we are friends, right?”

are you? you’ve only spoken once, really. but he looks at you with such wide eyes and a bright smile that you can’t say no. 

“yeah, sure.” his smile widens and class finally starts.

you see him three times a week for class, always sitting in the same spot. as you begin losing your motivation to get up early enough to make it to class before all the seats fill, he begins saving your seat for you. 

it’s rather nice being in class with him, actually. whenever you’re in class with your friends you tend to end up not listening and just looking through your phone instead. but chan is such a diligent student, always paying attention and writing fervently, that you’d feel embarrassed if you weren’t also paying attention.

few weeks into the semester, midterm season is upon you 

there’s a knock knock knock on your front door

“hey! do you want to come over and study for the midterm? i have snacks,” chan greets you.

you’d been planning to lock yourself in and grind

that is, study on the couch and inevitably space out and probably fall asleep

maybe some accountability would be good. plus... no one says no to food. “okay.”

so now you get to see the inside of his apartment for the first time. his apartment is looks like what it is: an apartment that houses three male college students. the table in the living room has various items cluttering it: open notebooks, headphones, a pack of chewing gum, a gym bag laying open next to it, a hoodie strewn across the back of the couch 

his room is an unsurprising contrast to the living room, pretty clean an orderly, just how chan seems

but if you were to look more closely, a lot of the mess was just shoved into the crevices

however, you did not look

although chan manages to look like he has his life together or something, he’s actually kind of confused about the class material

you’re both just taking it because of general education requirements

and biology really isn’t chan’s forte

you’re no genius at it either, but you’re able to explain some things to him 

putting your heads together, you two manage to get through quite a lot

studying with chan that day seemed to pay off, because you did well on the midterm!

status update: you and chan are now neighbors, classmates, and study buddies. and friends, you suppose. 

you guys study together pretty regularly, sometimes at your place, sometimes at his 

the mess you failed to notice the first time in chan’s room begins seeping out more and more 

the study sessions become slightly less productive as you two end up just talking about other things 

the later the hour, the more vast the topic

one chilly october night, you’re lying on the floor next to your textbooks and notebooks, paying absolutely no mind to them 

rain falls quietly outside chan’s window 

“yeah, to be honest i don’t even know what i’m doing,” you say to the ceiling

“same, i don’t understand this unit at all”

“no i mean... well, that too, but i just.” you pause and purse your lips as you collect your thoughts. “why am i even taking this class?”

“it’s an ‘easy’ gen ed class?” chan offers

“that’s true. i’ve just been thinking about what classes i’ve been taking lately to see if any of them strike me as particularly interesting. the stress of picking a major is slowly but surely setting in. i’m just afraid i’ll hate what i’m studying, i guess.” you’re not really sure why you’re just unloading this all on chan. maybe because it’s 1:47 in the morning and your better judgement has clocked out. 

chan can’t quite relate because he knew he was majoring in dance all along, but he gives you a sympathetic smile that feigns empathy pretty well. “well, even if you end up hating your major, what’s the worst that would happen?”

“um... that i wasted 4 years of my life, education, and tuition money?”

“i don’t think it’d be a waste. i think some realizations just come at certain times, even if you don’t think it’s the most convenient timing. you have to try to even know you dislike something, right?”

you blink at the ceiling before facing him. “i guess you’re right.”

“i know i’m right,” he says with confidence you kind of envy, “so don’t worry. whatever you choose will be right, in one way or another.”

you haven’t really know chan that long, but it hasn’t been a short time either. 3+ times per week over two and a half months is a lot of time if you use it right. yet you’re looking at chan as if you just saw him correctly for the first time. 

you always knew he was straightforward and sure of himself, but today he was extending it to you. his share of confidence was something you needed recently, since it’s not really something easily found in your regular environment. 

you smile at him. “thanks, chan.”

“it’s nothing. what are friends for?”

... yeah. chan is your friend. against all odds and expectations you had coming into the school year, chan and his contagious cheerful outlook budged their way into your life 

you welcome it gladly.

chan turns off his desk lamp. “let’s go outside!”

“what? don’t we need to study this?”

“clearly it’s not going to happen. i want some nuggets from mcdonalds.”

“bet let’s go”

a/n: i planned for this to come out differently (more active struggling and procrastinating) but dang, chan just really insisted on being written as the extremely capable and hardworking bean we all know he is

[tinybitterhumanespresso]

TL;DR + CW: Eating Disorder stuff

I ranted about it in some fb groups and with some friends so not looking for advice or comfort!!!

Going vegan has helped my eating patterns a little bit since I’m more worried about getting my nutrients in and eating balanced. I’m recognizing my hunger cues a bit better now because of it, and over all I HAVE felt better.

This whole quarantine and staying inside though has kind of put me back in the same place as before. It’s easier to not eat when I’m in my room and not doing anything. Plus the fat comments from everyone have just triggered this feeling of not wanting to eat in front of people in general. 

But that’s not even really why I’m writing. I’ve always had a really hard time hearing about other people’s ED stuff and haven’t reacted well in the past. I guess if anything, I hate that I’m not at a place, even now, years later, hearing about people (namely my close friends) recount their ED experiences without feeling like I am having an out of body experience.

It does trigger me, I’m not going to lie. I’m hesitant to really bring it up in therapy, because I am afraid it’s just going to been like I’m bringing it up for attention?

I know that sounds crazy but it’s a reaction I have gotten in the past. I do like my current therapist a lot better. I should be more vulnerable about it so I can move forward, I know. 

I tend not to want to talk about body stuff at all because I always start comparing myself to others. I am visibly overweight (not body dysmorphia I am a plus size) and so I don’t get a lot of that empathy from people when I open up about my past habits. Even when I literally worked in an Eating Disorder Clinic, it really does feel like in the system, if you don’t have anorexia/constant purging habits than you don’t get treated like you have an eating disorder. Which is so messed up and wrong tbh but that’s besides the point. 

I guess the whole point is a lot of feelings from when I was a teen that I thought were over with are coming back as an adult and I feel really unprepared. 

Wasn’t aging, and going to therapy, and settling my life supposed to help manage these feelings and help me regain some sense of control?

 I don’t know. Rambly thoughts over here. 

[coeurvrai]

I wonder how many pages this review/rant/scream into the void has taken up on my blog so far? Far more than it deserves, I’m sure of that much.

“But back to the point, we have to get past the Vultures to get to the king?”

Rashid glanced at Malachiasz, but nodded. Malachiasz leaned back on the chaise, pulling at his lower lip.

“That complicates things,” Nadya said. “We can’t just wait for the opportune moment. I need to know what I’m doing if this is going to work.”

Malachiasz nodded. “You’re going to go to the dinner. Watch the king. Charm the prince. He’ll be your way to get to the king. Tell me exactly what the masks on the Vultures near the king look like.”

He was going to deal with the Vultures. Fine. Good, even, because Nadya didn’t know what to do when they were involved. They were a variable she feared and did not understand.

God, if only you knew an individual who had been a part of that order/cult for a very long time and knows the intimate details of how it works and what they do.

Oh wait...

But seriously, Nadya, if you were so curious and so concerned with your lack of knowledge about the inner workings of the Vultures, you could just fucking ask Malachiasz about it. I know he’s the Black Vulture, but you have no real reason to believe that he wouldn’t just tell you. Then again, asking for common sense from this girl is like asking a block of cheese for directions.

Also Nadya wouldn’t recognise an opportune moment if it walked up right to her face and held up a bright flashing neon sign saying “opportune moment”.

Rashid stood. “I’ll go find Parijahan; you don’t have much time before dinner.”

That left just Nadya and Malachiasz.

NO! Don’t leave these two fuckers alone in a bedroom, Rashid! I don’t want to deal with what I’m sure is gonna be more focus on this stupid relationship that I neither need nor want. ED just provides us with a surplus of this damn stuff.

“You should go as well,” she said softly.

She could feel his gaze burning against her face, but she refused to look at him. She saw him stand and move toward the door out of the corner of her eye, but he changed his mind. Instead, he dropped down into a crouch in front of Nadya’s chair so he was looking up at her.

“I acted without trusting your judgment, and for that I apologize,” he said.

It’s not an apology for murdering that girl, she noted. But it was a start. It was something from this boy who obviously had no morals and no regard for anything that didn’t serve his own interests. She just wished she could understand what those interests were.

Nadya, we do not have time to once again get into your utter stupidity because it will just make myself go into a blind rage over it and that’s just not healthy. I still have like a good 150 pages to go and I cannot afford to burn myself out so, I’m just going to ignore that for now. Also, “the girl” has a name. It’s Felicíja, Nadya. I know you know it because you’ve used it before.

Also, “no regard”? Nadya, you say that like you have regard for anything else but your own interests. You don’t. You still view Tranavians as lesser than you, as unworthy of existing as they are because they have blood magic, as “heretics” because they rejected your religion and do not want it.

You can’t tell me you feel empathy and understanding towards the Tranavians, genuinely, because you haven’t gone through the character development for it - no matter what this book is trying to tell me. Unlearning biases and xenophobia is tough, unlearning any kind of systemic discrimination is tough, but you haven’t made an effort to. You haven’t. And this isn’t how to do it, anyways.

Also the moral high horse that Nadya is sitting on is eye-roll worthy. You’ve also murdered people, Nadya; I can’t say this enough.

“Nadya,” he started and stopped. He let out a frustrated breath.

Inexplicably, she felt herself soften. She reached out and threaded her fingers into his soft, black hair, letting her hand settle against the side of his head.

Why—after being so furious with him—did she find herself desperately yearning to kiss him? The heat of anger that he sparked was still felt fresh in her veins and yet she couldn’t help but gaze at the bow of his lips.

She was feeling too many things in too little time. She wanted it all to stop. She wanted whatever this was she felt for him to stop.

I want it to stop too but I know it won’t, because otherwise ED would have nothing else to write about, and we can’t have that.

I don’t know why, either. It’s stupid. You’re so abhorred by him killing Felicíja when you claim that she didn’t need to die, and that he’s undermining your agency, and you know, he’s a former Vulture and a blood mage and your enemy but yet you still get all gooey over him for no real reason.

To the point that you checked out his unconscious body before you checked whether or not he was alive.

If he was startled by her actions, he didn’t show it. He let another moment pass between them—fraught with a tension still too new to her—before he spoke. “You have to trust me, Nadya,” he said, his voice low. “I know I am everything you have been taught to hate and more. I have done terrible things in my life. If I disgust you, I understand. But—”

“We have to work together,” Nadya whispered. “All four of us, or else this whole mess of a plan will go up in smoke and we’ll all be hanged for it.”

He leaned his head into her hand and she felt herself warm. To have another person react to her touch was a peculiar feeling, a connection she had never really had with anyone. The monastery didn’t encourage relationships; one’s devotion to the gods was more important.

This was a disaster. Anyone, anyone but him. Anyone but the enemy boy who had tormented her people, who was faithless, godless, monstrous. If she tore out her own heart would this stop? If that was the thing betraying her, then she would be rid of it. Anything to stop from being pulled to this terrible boy.

This plan is an absolute mess but also you’re the one who put “the plan” in jeopardy in the first place, so you should really start pulling your weight, Nadya.

Also “the enemy boy”, I’m fucking laughing. Nadya, you could just like, stop, you know. Not acting on your attraction to people is like a thing. You act like you literally cannot help yourself but get all blushy blushy over him and you HAVE to touch him. Like, that’s not how things work.

“And you and I need to come to an understanding,” he continued. “We can be enemies when all this is over.”

It was fairly clear now that enemies wasn’t quite what they were before, and an understanding probably wasn’t going to be what either of them wanted.

Maybe she had knocked her head during the duel, but she found herself sliding her other hand up his neck to cradle his cheek. He grew very still, as if he truly thought her a little bird and sudden movement might startle her away.

“What if I don’t want to be enemies when all this is over?” she asked softly, her voice betraying her by trembling. Her heart was pounding in her throat.

Yeah, no shit “enemies wasn’t quite what they were before”, because it was a half-hearted attempt at the trope. ED couldn’t bother building it up in a believable and organic way, so she just threw it aside completely and was like “what I really want to see them is suck face!”

Also bullshit, Nadya! You’d think your gods would have something to say about that, since they’re the only reason you have power in the first place. It almost infuriates me that I had to sit through all of her xenophobia and discriminatory tirades, just for it to not bloody matter one fucking bit to her character.

Anyways, I’ll spare you guys the descriptions of them kissing. Nadya is the one who initiates the kiss and she describes kissing him as “heresy”. Because that is a word you should just throw around. Totally, ED. Totally. Also Malachiasz calls her little bird again and I hate it.

She still finds blood magic repulsive, though. She asks Malachiasz if he felt it when she accidentally used the spells, and he nods. She says he knew this could happen, since she had to draw blood to pass herself off as a blood mage. He’s like “yeah... but I mean, I didn’t think anything bad would really happen!”

Malachiasz says he’s gotta go and they’ll continue this conversation later. Good, I can’t stand another moment of your bullshit. And we get this heavily advertised quote.

“Even so. Dazzle the monsters, Nadya. You’ve already charmed the worst of the lot; the rest should be easy.”

*rolls my eyes*

This is also weirdly reminds me of that one quote from The Cruel Prince, a book I have not read and have no intention to but have heard a lot about.

“So I am to sit here and feed you information,” Cardan says, leaning against a hickory tree. “And you’re to go charm royalty? That seems entirely backward.”

I fix him with a look. “I can be charming. I charmed you, didn’t I?”

He rolls his eyes. “Do not expect others to share my depraved tastes.” 

But thankfully, Malachiasz is leaving for reals.

“I’m still mad at you,” she said, but the words felt flat.

“I know.” He grinned as he slipped his mask back over his face. He was gone before she could say anything more.

She pressed a hand to her lips, wrenching her eyes shut. There would be hell to pay for this.

Everything about this romance falls flat, so I’m not surprised. What’s the point in them being enemies-to-lovers if you’re not going to follow through with the enemies part of the trope? Oh wait, it’s for cheap angst, plus otherwise this wouldn’t be published Rey/Kylo Ren fanfiction.

Also, I doubt you’re gonna get that much of a chewing out for it, to be honest. I mean, the gods had plenty of opportunities to chew you out for your bullshit with Malachiasz and they didn’t, and that was back when they had easy access!

Anyways, that’s the end of that chapter!