#easier to explain than 'i hate myself and i want to die' i think

[kkami-writes]

waiting for us — chapter fifty four. waiting for us wc. 2k a/n. name drop!!!! ok but that being said this is a VERY heavy chapter dealing with very sensitive topics. please read through the tw and be safe. tl;dr at the end. TW!!! negligent parents, brief mention of abortion, brief mention of religion, verbal abuse, domestic abuse, violent acts, mentions of self-harm and attempted suicide also i'm not entirely sure how I should tag this, but there is a part where yn has her clothes ripped off of her without consent, but it is not in a sexual way (?) or for the purpose of doing something sexual.

You stand just outside the door of 3RACHA’s (and hyunjin’s) apartment, and your quite certain that your heart is going to pound itself straight through your chest. Perhaps there is a brief moment where you consider just running for it but you think better of it. A half empty duffel bag sits on your shoulder and there’s a ratty backpack that hangs loosely off of you. Maybe you’d find it sad that your whole life could fit into two measly bags, but you couldn’t deny that it was just easier this way. You had left nothing behind, wiping your entire existence out of that place and you would not look back.

When you finally gather the courage to knock on the door, your knuckles barely make a sound while they rap against the wood. Yet the moment your hand makes contact with the door, it’s swinging open and Felix throws himself into your embrace. You almost lose your balance but Felix makes sure you don’t fall backwards, clinging almost painfully to you.

He pulls back to ask if you’re okay since you were later than you said you’d be, but the words die on his tongue at the sight of you. There’s nothing different from you besides the bright red mark decorating your cheek.

“YN? What happened? Who hurt you?” He questions, voice going almost impossibly deeper. The thought of someone putting their hands on you fills him with anger. You actually almost don’t know what he’s talking about before remembering the parting gift your mother had given you before you left.

“Oh. This. Don’t worry about it,” You mumble, acting rather nonchalant as you attempt to get past Felix and into the apartment but he doesn’t let you get too far, grasping gently at your wrist to pull you back.

“No seriously. Who hurt you yn? What’s up with the bags?” He fires out questions, now just realizing the two bags you had with you.

“I was hoping I could stay the night. Or a few. Or forever,”

The silence between you is deafening.

“Yn” You hate (love) the way you shudder at the way he says your name in that deep tone of his.

“I might have, um, run away from home?”

“WHAT?” He yells at that effectively alerting the rest of the boys of your presence.

“Lix? Is that YN? What’s going on?” Chan’s voice filters through the apartment, getting louder the closer he gets. You finally move past Felix, leaving your bags by the door for now.

“Lixie, I’ll explain everything ok? I don’t want to have to keep repeating myself over and over again,” You beg the boy with an almost desperate lilt to your voice, giving him big puppy eyes for added ammo just in case. He sighs and let’s it go for now, letting you drag him towards the couches.

But of course, even if Felix had dropped it, the other’s wouldn’t; immediately demanding to know who hit you as soon as they see your red cheeks. As much as you appreciate their concern, the swirl of emotions you’ve been feeling for hours already has you on edge and you’re so close to snapping.

“GUYS” You raise your voice and the effect is immediate, all of them quieting down and staring back at you. “It’s ok, I promise. I barely feel it. It was the first time my mom hit me anyway,” At that they all start asking questions again, talking over each other but one glare from you shuts them up again. “Please. I’m here to explain okay? So please, let me tell you everything before you guys start asking a million questions,” You plead, tired and scared of the can of worms you were potentially about to open. But you also know how much you need this. You just couldn’t keep it in anymore.

The boys all gather onto the couch and the seats next to it, with you sat in the middle next to Felix and Jisung, one on either side of you. Both of them are close enough that you can feel their thighs pressed to yours. It helps to keep you grounded while you try to take a deep breath but it just comes out shaky. Jisung slides his hand into yours, giving it a squeeze before giving you a reassuring nod.

“I was an accident. My mom somehow managed to get pregnant even though my dad had a vasectomy after they had my brother. Despite not wanting another child, they decided to have me anyway for whatever reason. We’re not religious or anything so she could have just gotten an abortion. I’ll never know why they decided to have me.

Growing up the abuse was mostly verbal. An insult here or there, mostly reminding me I wasn’t wanted or needed. My brother of course was the worst with his words but overall it really wasn’t that bad. For the most part they ignored my existence, which was honestly fine with me. It….only got worse after I turned 16. When I got my soulmark,” Your hands are shaking in Jisung’s firm grip while Felix scoots closer for comfort, nuzzling his cheek against your shoulder. You are so thankful for them.

“Both of my parents are blanks and so is my brother. So it was only natural that I assumed that I would be a blank as well. So imagine my surprise when it turns out I have 8 soulmates,” You let out a small snort, head shaking softly.

“I’m know you’re all probably thinking that I freaked out or panicked about having so many soulmates with how I reacted when we met, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth,” You make brief eye contact with Jeongin who has a confused expression on his fox-like face.

“For the first time, hope bloomed in my chest. My original plan was to leave when I turned 18, as soon as I could, but I didn’t really know what I would do. I would be all alone, no soulmate and experiencing the real world for the first time. But now, I finally felt like I had a purpose. To find my soulmates. I couldn’t believe that I would have 8 soulmates. 8 people who would love me. Who would want me” your voice cracks at those last words, tears burning in your eyes. Hyunjin looks like he’s not too far behind with his own tears threatening to fall.

“Of course I had lied to my parents about my soulmark, just saying I was a blank. It was easy since they didn’t really care but I had the suspicion that my brother didn’t believe me. I used to stand in front of my mirror staring at my soulmark, tracing over your names, dreaming about what life would be like with you guys,” Felix clings a little harder to you. “It was my only solace in that prison, that one day I would be where I belonged,”

“One day my brother…he caught me looking at my mark. He-“ Your eyes close in pain as the tears run down your cheeks. You squeeze at Jisung’s hands who haven’t lefts yours yet as you take in a deep breath. “He dragged me to the living room by my hair, yelling at my parents that I was a lying whore. That I was some kind of greedy slut for having so many soulmates. He pushed me to the ground and…he- he,” You choke on your tears before you feel someone patting your cheeks dry with tissues. You look up to see Minho, his eyes soft and sad as he continues to dry the tears leaking from your eyes. The other boys that were not on the couch have abandoned their seats in favor of being closer to you. Seungmin is on the floor, stroking at your calves soothingly, while Hyunjin does the same on your other side.

“He ripped my skirt off and…he….he took a lighter and….and-“ You can’t even finish the sentence before you throw yourself in Seungmin’s embrace, sobbing into his shoulder as he holds you. The rest of the boys try to comfort you as you feel hands along your back and hair, soft soothing words being said into your ears. It takes you a few minutes to pull yourself together.

“’M sorry-“ You say with a sniffle, letting Minho clean your face as he insists on doing it himself.

“Don’t say sorry. You’ve had horrific things done to you. You are so strong,” Changbin says in a soft voice, contrasting his normally loud demeanor. His hands smooth your hair down.

You can hear the sniffles from Felix and Jisung who have starting sobbing silently, their hearts breaking for you. You let out a sigh because you’re not even done.

“After that…the abuse…got worse. It turned physical as my brother would take his anger out on me. My parents didn’t care about what he did to me. I slowly…became a shell of myself. I started turning to self harm because everything hurt so much that I needed something else to hurt so I didn’t have to think about anything else. Even though he didn’t sever our soulmark, I felt like I had let you down- that I let someone else disfigure our beautiful connection. I though about my soulmates who would probably never want someone as broken as I was. I felt so lost. So….on graduation night I-“ You tuck your head down in shame. “I swallowed a bunch of sleeping pills,”

Everyone is deadly silent but you can hear Hyunjin and Jeongin joining in on the crying. Seungmin just holds you a little tighter.

“I had texted Minghao before I went through with it. Telling him that I was so grateful for his friendship and that him and Jun were the best friends I could ever ask for. Of course that man has some freaky 8th sense or something because I don’t think it took him more than five minutes to get to my house even though he lives twenty minutes away. He was yelling at me when he barged into my bathroom but I don’t remember much after that. I passed out and woke up in the hospital. Now that I was conscious Minghao throughly chewed my ass out though. The nurses had wanted to hospitalize me actually for mental health reasons but my parents refused and said something about how it was just an accident,”

“We thought you died,” Jeongin pipes up, his eyes red rimmed with tears as he sniffles.

“Your mark went gray and we all felt this sharp pain in our chests. That night we had mourned the loss of a soulmate that we thought we’d never get to meet. The relief we felt when your mark went back to black was unmatched. We had assumed you must have had an accident or something to have triggered the mark to react,”

The rest are eerily quiet, still waiting for you to continue your story.

“After I was discharged, my father had someone managed to score himself a promotion. Something about using a sob story about how his daughter was feeling lost being in a small town and needing to explore or some other bullshit. Either way we were suddenly packing and moving to seoul, not that my opinion mattered if I wanted to go or not.

My grades in school were actually pretty good. I really didn’t have anything better to do then study so It was surprisingly easy to get into seoul uni. And well….then I met Jeongin in Biology. Slowly the rest of you followed and wormed your way into my heart,” you smile fondly at the boys around you who smile back, even with tears stained cheeks.

“I really don’t care about the thread Yunjin posted, but my brother saw it and was not happy. He informed our parents and they let me have it. I just sat there taking it when I realized that I didn’t have to put up with this shit anymore. So I kinda just got up, grabbed my stuff and left…Figured you guys wouldn’t mind if I stayed,”

“Never ever. You do realize that now that you’re here we are never letting you go. Ever again,” Changbin whispers, squeezing you a little tighter. The boys are practically cutting off your oxygen but you can hardly care, feeling the love pouring out of them. You love them. You never want to be without them ever again.

“You have been so brave, so strong. We are so proud of you. Thank you. Thank you for waiting for us,”

tl;dr ! yn's parents find out about her soulmates via her brother who found out from the thread. while they chew her out, she realizes that she doesn't has to put up with this anymore and "runs" away (but not without her mother slapping her). she goes over to their apartment to tell them her story. yn was an "accident" and even though her parents didn't want another child, they went ahead with the birth anyway. they, along with her brother never let her forget that she was unwanted. both her parents and her brother are blanks and so she had assumed she would be too - but surprise, surpise. she has 8 soulmates. yn adored her mark and was excited for the day she would get to be with them. she'd spend time staring at her mark, memorizing their names. one day her brother catches her and gets so angry that he takes a lighter and burns her mark. after that yn falls into a deep depression and turns to self-harm in order to cope. still unable to take it and feeling like she let her soulmates down, she decides to take a bunch of sleeping pills. minghao is the one who finds her and saves her. the boys mention that they thought that she had died due to the mark reacting and turning grey. they were very happy when the mark went back to black. after her attempt, her father was able to get a promotion at work and moved their family to seoul, resulting in yn finally finding her soulmates.

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[destinygoldenstar]

Okay so I said I was gonna rant about this scene, so...

So, if you've seen my Episode 11 reaction of Season 1 of Disventure Camp, you know how... PISSED I was at a certain scene to say the least. To the point where I couldn't even talk coherently about it.

I wanted to explain myself and what MY POV of the scene was.

DISCLAIMER: this post is being made by somebody who, at the time of this post, has NOT watched past this episode. So any and all information regarding context for this scene revealed AFTER this episode (This season or another season) is IRRELEVANT to what I am talking about. I am ONLY going off of information revealed in Season 1 prior to this episode, and that's it.

Bottom line is, now that I am calmer and able to think coherently about it, I can safely say that my hatred for this scene was... SUBJECTIVE.

I hated it because it personally brought back a lot of moments in my own life, and as a result, when I watched the scene over and over again for the sake of this post, no matter what, my blood boils.

And I'm not even saying objectively this is a terrible scene writing-wise. After all, Total Drama, the show THIS show was inspired by, has quite a lot of characters doing... morally questionable things for the sake of the grand prize. So I am perfectly used to, and expected, seeing characters with less than perfect personalities, motivations, and actions.

So with that in mind, just because something like this happens in these kinds of shows, DOESN'T mean the show is saying you the audience should apply these actions to real life. They are merely telling a story and showing what a downfall looks like.

Yes I know what media literacy is.

As much as some people probably want to play the blame game just because it's easier to justify certain opinions, at the end of the day, THIS IS NOT A BLACK AND WHITE ISSUE. IT'S FAR MORE COMPLICATED THAN THAT.

So with that in mind, I should make it clear that my harshness on the scene does NOT have to do with the character that gets hurt in the scene.

I feel like even the most hardcore vile Jake hater that wants him dead on sight, would have to admit even for a second that MAYBE Ellie is kinda not perfect with her logic here.

(Why'd you all want to kill this guy so much? Holy shit...)

So for context of the scene alone, Jake and Ellie are at the end of the challenge and need to decide which one of them claims immunity, both needing it. Jake offers a forgiveness of the shit that happened prior between them, but only if she gives him the immunity.

And Ellie decides not only "NO" but she also takes the opportunity to READ JAKE FOR FILTH.

So, to quote her words:

"You know what? You can eat shit and die."

"And 'Boo Hoo, Aww, I Got Cheated On'. Grow the hell up, Jake."

"You say you're a victim, but you're really just a sponge for drama."

"You feed off the smallest setbacks, acting as if the world's against you."

"Tom probably saw it too. You have no right to shame me."

"After you voted out Gabby, I never pulled this on you, cause I have some sense to not be a dick."

"Maybe if you weren't so annoying, your boyfriend wouldn't have cheated on you."

OUT OF CONTEXT, what does all of that read for you?

Probably something on the lines of, "Oh yay, this girl is roasting this man and calling him out on his bullshit and asshole behavior."

BUT THEN YOU LEARN THE CONTEXT, and you learn that this girl personally went after the dude's trauma to destroy his relationship with someone else, and is saying this to JUSTIFY her actions by saying "Well no, you deserved it, and you can't go after me cause I did nothing wrong. It was all you."

Yeah...

So when I said this wasn't a black and white issue, I wasn't kidding.

For more context on these characters, both of them are participating in a reality show where the prize is $1,000,000.

Ellie is a young adult with a dream to study fashion design, but she can't afford the funds for the college she's in. She's desperately in debt, being forced to work two jobs every day from dawn to dusk and having next to no spare time on her own to do the things she loves. Not for anything. Not for friendships or relationships either.

So she read to me at the start of the show as a bit of a gloomy introvert who finds it hard to let people in or see the bright side of things. And in the first half of the show, I'd say two people changed that for her: Gabby and Jake.

Gabby more so, because love interest. She's the one who gave Ellie a sense of hope in things, and went out of her way to save Ellie's spot in the game (at the cost of her own, tragically), because Ellie was a good and caring friend towards her and did not judge people before knowing them fully.

KEEP THAT IN MIND. Ellie DOES NOT JUDGE PEOPLE BEFORE GETTING TO KNOW THEM.

When Ellie gets betrayed by Alec, she's kicked off of her team and joins the other team, AKA, the team Jake is on. She quickly gets acquainted in him and the get along nicely. The only problem was that Jake, at the moment, was pretty salty regarding his own love interest, Tom, because Tom lied to him about his career.

Rather than write him off as a 'moody brat', Ellie sits down and tries to talk reason to Jake, and even offers to hear his side of the story to get an understanding as to why he acts the way he does.

The scene with them cuts away just as Jake is about to trauma dump to her, BUT we the audience already knew of Jake's trauma, so we can easily infer that this was where Ellie got information on Jake's personal trauma.

And even if she didn't, right before the scene on topic, Jake was ranting to her that she didn't know what it was like for him to go through that.

So yes, regardless of when she knew, Ellie DOES know what happened to Jake. The claim that 'Ellie was ignorant', as a result, is FALSE.

Ellie also offers Jake advice on how to approach Tom, giving him valuable lesson on not jumping to conclusions and talking things out to people.

ELLIE SAID THIS TO JAKE. KEEP THIS IN MIND. SHE'S THE ONE WHO GAVE THIS ADVICE TO HELP HIM OUT.

Their friendship remains on good terms with mutual respect for a bit. When the team loses and they have to vote someone off, everyone BUT Jake and Gabby voted out Ellie because she was the new girl. Gabby would NEVER vote Ellie, let's be real, so that's not surprising at all. Plus it was thanks to Gabby's idol that Ellie survived that Tribal Council.

Jake was a shocker in this regard though. Despite his connections with Miriam and Tom, he refused to join the popular crowd on the team and instead chose to throw his vote on Gabby. Looking back at that choice, it's such a subtle sign of respect that Jake has gained for Ellie and how she helped him.

The next episode, Jake DOES decide to join Tom and Miriam in voting off Gabby, Ellie's closest companion in the game. That SOUNDS like a stab in the back, but there's a scene where Jake talks to Ellie about this and comes clean to her about what he's doing.

And Ellie... takes this well.

She completely respects his decision, and agrees that she would not take this vote as a personal attack, because... it's not. It's just a vote.

He's not trying to destroy Ellie's relationship with Gabby, or trying to spite Ellie by voting Gabby, he's merely casting a vote as the game wants.

Could they have voted for anyone else? OH YEAH.

BUT TO BE FAIR, Grett had immunity, and Jake, at that point, had no connection with Fiore and Alec, and Fiore in particular tried to get on Jake, Tom, and Miriam's good side earlier in the episode. So I MOSTLY blame Gabby's elimination on the Fiore Alec and Grett alliance, because unlike Jake, they DIDN'T tell Ellie jack shit and went behind her back.

There is no evidence in the next couple of episodes that Ellie has any beef towards Jake regarding voting off Gabby. At least, not until the scene on topic. She mostly directs her beef towards Alec for betraying her trust for the second time.

And then he would do it again a third time-god you need to get better allies Ellie.

But then by Episode 10, Ellie is reminded of her outcast situation among the cast. She's on good terms with Jake, thus she's in the Jake Tom and Miriam alliance, the majority at that point. Even Miriam came around and apologized to Ellie for misjudging her. Unless Fiore and/or Alec got immunity, those two were for sure gone.

But after they were gone, or voting them out wasn't an option, would that lead to Ellie's elimination? For no other reason other than she's the one with the weakest bonds with the others? Jake and Tom are lovers, and Miriam is their surrogate grandmother. They are a found family. And Ellie is just... the friend tagging along.

She was so outcasted that she died on the first day in the zombie simulation and they just forgot about her.

Oh, AND Tom cut her arm off. That's not cool.

And Ellie CANNOT afford to lose this game. Her whole lifestyle is on the line. More so than any of the others. She HAS to win this, otherwise she might never get another chance to financially achieve her dreams. (CURSE YOU GOVERNMENT)

So, in other words, she has to screw her relationships and strategize.

It's a completely understandable and empathetic motive, probably one even more empathetic than any of the Total Drama character's motives.

In that circumstance, as the numbers go down, does it all come down to popularity or strategy? When you're unpopular among your peers and that could be an elimination sentence, do you let that happen or do you take matters into your own hands?

So Ellie, reluctantly, goes to Fiore and Alec again to side with them on the votes. But that would just be a 3-3 tie and there was no guarantee they would survive the tiebreaker.

So their plan to solve this issue was...

*groan*

Trigger Jake's insecurities and manipulate him into destroying his relationship with Tom.

...

Ellie was hesitant, but she was convinced it was the only option she had to save herself.

She could've instead just stolen that godforsaken immunity idol that Tom found since she knew he had it BUT I DIGRESS.

The plan works perfectly, and Jake and Tom's relationship is destroyed, resulting in an ugly break up.

But Fiore outs Ellie for her scheme, (betraying her YET AGAIN), resulting in Ellie becoming he true outcast of the group, as not only are the villains dumping her, but Jake is OUT FOR BLOOD.

Ellie apologizes to Jake for what happened, expressing her remorse for what she had done. She proved herself before as a good friend who had the best intentions and wanted to help Jake, despite not having reason to put up with him. And she betrayed that.

And I do believe that she does feel guilty over what she had done.

She doesn't get sick pleasure from hurting others like Fiore does. She simply did the deed because she felt like she had to.

But Jake not only doesn't forgive her, but he also refuses to hear out her side of the story or her reasonings, and continues to rant about how pissed he was at her THE ENTIRE EPISODE.

Even when she saves his life from a scorpion, he STILL gives her shit.

And you can TELL from her facial expressions that she was just DONE with everyone telling her she was the one that was full of shit.

And it wasn't just Jake. Earlier in the episode, Miriam called Ellie out and told her off, saying that her personally attacking Jake and Tom that was was WRONG.

And Ellie continues to DEFEND her actions instead of hearing them out, saying it was 'gameplay' and 'she needed to win' and 'friendships would've ruined her life'.

HMM, SHE'S NOT HEARING OUT THE OTHERS SIDE OF THE STORY AND INSTEAD CHOOSING TO DEFEND HERSELF AND GIVE THE OTHER PERSON SHIT. WHO DOES THAT SOUND LIKE?!

YOU DAMN HYPOCRITE.

(Hypocrisy is not bad characterization. It's very human and it's very real. I'm just saying it angrily cause it's an annoying trait in real life too)

And that leads to the scene on topic, where Ellie decides NOT to repair her friendship with Jake. She decides to ditch it, vouch for herself, and defend herself to the very end, even at the cost of Jake's psyche.

She's too caught up in justifying herself that her judgement and remorse earlier is completely clouded, and her empathy is secondary to her ambition and greed.

It's a tragic "She's too far gone" moment.

Now in her defense, (Yeah, I know), nobody was even trying to listen to her or understand her. They all merely only cared about their own personal feelings, and what they wanted from her. JAKE MOST OF ALL.

So due to her interactions with Jake before to understand who he was, she knew very well what his setbacks were and used them to her advantage to hit him where it hurt.

So no, I do not believe Ellie is making assumptions about Jake when she makes her rant in this moment. She KNOWS what she's talking about, and I think she genuinely believes, in her mind, that she is telling Jake what he needs to hear...

But uh... OH BOY NO.

I'm sorry girl, but NO.

On the other side of this, we have Jake.

Idk if Jake is a young adult or a late teenager, somebody's gonna have to clarify that for me. He joined the show while his beloved grandmother, who he claims was the only person in his life who truly understood him, was bedridden. At the start of the show, he joined with the intent of attempting to win the show and help her out...

Unfortunately, in the middle of the season, she passed away. So...

Yeah, that's heartbreaking, I have to imagine.

At the start of the show, he's basically the 'shy but sweet and kind cinnamon roll with a bite'. He was working with Tom, his crush, as the ones doing the heavy lifting in getting survival supplies for the group, and was the only one on that team who attempted friendly socialization with his teammates.

And yes, I mean that. Tom was more hostile due to his job, Miriam was the cranky old lady who pushed away everyone, Dan only cared about alliances, Grett was a bad bitch, Gabby was an outcast, and Drew... couldn't even talk.

It was JAKE who was trying to form genuine bonds with some of the people around him, seeing the best in them. He saw through Tom's mask right from the start and supported his leadership of the team, and he was the only one who showed kindness to Miriam even when she pushed him away.

And while I would NOT consider Jake a good strategic player of the game, that's also because he had no intention to 'use' anybody. He just wanted to form bonds with them.

He read to me as someone who craves bonds. Love. In all forms.

He says that his grandmother was the only one who truly understood him. Which implied that the rest of family... might not be the most loving people. Do I think it's an abusive household? No. But rather one that sounds... cold. Distant.

Or maybe they're homophobic. Idk.

I mean, he calls this 'Shawn' guy over his own parents. Even Grett called her parents, and her parents are shit. (Idk who Shawn is, whether that's a friend or a sibling. Someone needs to clarify that for me.)

There's also Jake's anxieties around cemeteries. His grandfather passed away when he was a kid, and he would always go with his family to send flowers. Which surrounded him with death and loss... how god knows how many years. Idk, if forcing a child to be around a place that gives them anxiety all the time doesn't scream a cold and misunderstanding parent, idk what does.

I feel like it was that episode where the signs started to show, that "OH. This boy is NOT a cinnamon roll. He's got issues."

And then as the season went on, he shows a lot more... uh... FLAWS.

Yeah, I know, a flawed character? That's like having the plague.

He has a lot of anxieties about certain things, such as his own fears of death and loss (probably why he decided "It's a perfect time to join a reality show!"), and with people possibly using him.

It's implied that the time between this and the show is narrow. Jake was previously in a toxic relationship that fell apart when his ex, (not named), cheated on him. He couldn't get over it, and they split.

This may also be my angsty brain talking and I'm reading too much into it, but he also says when talking about the subject he "got hurt". And during the Episode 10 'believing the lie' segment, he expresses concern about how EVERYONE sees him as an idiot they can use. They can CONTROL him. They ALL take advantage of him and deceive him for their own gain.

No, it's not S/A, there's no hints of that sort of thing, but that still heavily implies that this previous relationship caused... quite a bit of PTSD from what happened in such.

So... yeah, it drives my point further that Jake is an anxious paranoid bean who just wants to be loved by people. Above all else.

He succeeds at forming a bond with Miriam and getting her to open up to everyone, and she even calls him 'the grandchild she never had'. He also forms a bond with Tom, gets a crush on him, and gets him to open up about his intentions, and scars, and not be ashamed of them. They even kiss. How wholesome.

And then it's revealed to Jake that Tom is a spy, and has been lying to Jake this whole time about such...

And he BLOWS UP at Tom's face about it.

Yeah, so Jake may or may not be very impulsive and emotional.

This man DOES NOT think before he speaks. He holds a lot of grudges. He has no problem speaking his mind. And he loves to talk about his own past experiences with others, regardless if they ask, to 'bond' with them to get them to understand him better.

(He just like me fr)

While Tom is part of the blame too, because... he lied. Jake soured their relationship by not hearing him out and continued to lash out.

And then Ellie joined the team after a swap with her and Grett, and she quickly becomes acquainted with Jake. She notices Jake's conflict with Tom, and she offers to understand his side of the story. He tries to brush her off, not wanting to do yet another trauma dump, but she insists, and assures him that she's very respectful and understanding.

And so she's the one to give Jake the advice to hear out Tom's side of the story, apologize, and try to mend their bond. Advice he actually takes, as he apologizes to Tom, several times, and fully confesses to his selfishness in the situation.

Tom shuts him down several times because... it's Tom. But at least on Jake's end, he's the one to take the first step in admitting his wrongs and making up for it.

It was thanks to Ellie, a newfound friend, that was able to get through to him and get him to cool off. And I feel like it's because of her doing that, that he stuck up for her and refused to vote her.

Going back to Jake seeing good in people, Jake was the only one besides Gabby who didn't join the popular crowd in voting Ellie. He saw that she was not a bad person and willingly gave her a chance when no one else did.

Again, besides Gabby, but Gabby already knew Ellie before Ellie joined the team. So it's even more impressive for Jake, who just met her.

As impulsive, paranoid, and messy Jake is, it NEVER came across to me as he WANTS to be that way. These are all coping mechanisms to people constantly using him and deceiving him throughout his life that are on autopilot. He thinks emotionally. And said emotions cloud is better judgement.

Oh gee, it's almost like he's a human being.

So... imagine how Jake feels when the friend that helped him comes up to him and says that his crush is a scumbag who is using him.

Just like his ex did...

Yeah, that's gonna trigger some PTSD and cause Jake to act irrationally.

In Jake's defense (again), he DID consider that maybe something wasn't right, that it was a lie, and that Tom wouldn't do this to him. But it was Ellie who kept on gaslighting him with his own trauma to prevent him from pursuing a conversation with Tom.

So... yeah. I really can't blame Jake for not talking to Tom about it, cause, uh... he NEVER had the chance. Ellie wouldn't let him have the chance. What was he supposed to do?

But Jake DID ultimately fall for the trap and believed the lie, which was the driving force of giving the villains the opening they needed to vote off Tom...

...with the deciding factor being Jake's own vote on Tom. That he likely did as a throwaway vote.

Shit.

Yeah, and then Ellie gets outed by Fiore as the one who lied, deceived, and used him, personally using his trauma to destroy the relationship he formed. And once it's outed it's already too late, as Jake is only left to BEG for forgiveness that he does not get, as Tom denounces their relationship entirely.

Ellie used him. Ellie took advantage of him. Ellie ruined what he had. Ellie caused this.

So is it any wonder that Jake is pissed at her? I know I would be.

This was very personal shit for him. His relationship with Tom was something special for him. It was a rekindling of love, and validating for Jake that he could help someone for the better and bond with them. And in a day, it's all gone, with only Jake being the one blamed.

All because a so called 'friend' wanted money.

So of course Jake is not going to hear Ellie out at all, or forgive her. To him, this is just Ellie showing her true colors. That she's just like everyone else who hurt him and used him and controlled him.

Jake does NOT have to forgive Ellie for that. That's his choice. Especially if he's upset with her.

What really surprised me was Jake's offer forgive Ellie by giving him immunity.

This could mean two things: One, he genuinely wants to cool off and give her another chance. Or Two, he's testing her and seeing if she'd choose friendship over the money.

I think it could be both.

Either way, she declines his offer, and then begins to SHAME him for everything he's been feeling the entire episode.

"You can't shame Ellie. Ellie's not the one at fault for you losing Tom. It was YOU."

"It's YOUR fault, Jake."

"You deserved it, Jake."

"You're an annoying piece of shit, and no one will ever love you."

And... well, I think his face at the end said it all. That HURT him.

I wouldn't be surprised if Jake has gained even MORE PTSD from his experience on the show, and this in particular.

And I wouldn't be surprised if Jake is ten times worse in another season because of these experiences. Hostile, whining, difficult to work with, and not trusting anyone ever again. And also self loathing cause he'd think no one would want him or love him anyway.

But that was 'calling out'. Wouldn't that make Jake want to be better instead of regress as worse than he was before?

Well, here's my beef, if this was supposed to be 'Ellie calling Jake out' it did NOT work as that. That instead came across as shaming.

The reason I analyzed both characters was so you could understand that I am not trying to glorify one or the other. Especially when I say this.

‘Girlboss moment’ this is definitely not.

Ellie ditching Alec? That was a great girlboss moment. Dude deserved it. And she didn’t have to shame him for how shit he treats his family to do it.

But THIS?!

I’m sorry, but everything she said in that speech was quite bullshit and not well thought out.

Now, I am all for Jake getting called out. Like I said, there ARE things worth calling out. Jake DOES deserve to get called out for certain traits.

But this is not how you do it.

So let me debunk all these lines:

"You know what? You can eat shit and die."

That’s a death threat.

Plain and simple.

“Eat shit and die” IS a death threat.

This woman gave him a death threat.

INSTANT NO.

"And 'Boo Hoo, Aww, I Got Cheated On'. Grow the hell up, Jake."

Okay, 50/50

On the one hand, Jake does whine about his personal life. A lot.

On the other hand, this is also downplaying Jake’s trauma with that issue. Regardless on how you feel about it, it clearly has an effect on them and shouldn’t be brushed off as ‘oh they’re just being whiny’.

How would you like it if I downplayed YOUR issues, Ellie?

“Boo hoo, I’m in debt and I can’t follow my dreams and I’m an outcast” Grow up Ellie.

DOESN’T FEEL GOOD, DOES IT?

"You say you're a victim, but you're really just a sponge for drama."

Um… except he IS a victim?

I’m sorry, but think about it.

Idk the full details of Jakes previous relationship, but I think getting cheated on definitely counts as being a victim of that circumstance.

Also, YOU USED HIM, YOU FIORE AND ALEC DEVISED A PLOT TO USE HIM.

Don’t act like that’s not him being a victim when you’re the orchestrator.

Also “You’re really just a sponge for drama”. And you aren’t? And Fiore isn’t? And Grett isn’t? And Tom isn’t?

I guess Ellie didn’t witness the majority of her team getting eliminated because of a child being a sponge for drama.

"You feed off the smallest setbacks, acting as if the world's against you."

For that to be true, Jake would actively be doubling down on every time he’s ever yelled at someone for something. Except that’s not the case.

For that to be true, he would never recognize he’s at fault and apologize over and over. Except that’s not the case.

For that to be true, he wouldn’t care for Miriam in the beginning. Of Tom. Or you.

"Tom probably saw it too. You have no right to shame me."

He DOES have a right to shame you.

YOU HURT HIM.

AND YOU KNOW YOU HURT HIM.

This is STRAIGHT UP Ellie saying “It’s not my fault, it’s yours, because I said so. You can’t blame me.”

"After you voted out Gabby, I never pulled this on you, cause I have some sense to not be a dick."

Again, Jake came clean to you about voting Gabby. And you were cool with it. You said it yourself. This is the only time you’ve ever shown beef about that.

AND Fiore Alec and Grett betrayed your trust cause you didn’t know they were gonna vote Gabby. So you’re gonna blame JAKE? Okay??

Also, what analogy is that supposed to be?

Supposedly she’s comparing this to Tom’s elimination. But those eliminations are not comparable.

Did Jake toy with your personal feelings and relationship with Gabby to vote her off? No?

SO WHAT THE HELL??

"Maybe if you weren't so annoying, your boyfriend wouldn't have cheated on you."

THIS. THIS RIGHT HERE.

NO. JUST STRAIGHT UP NO.

This is something SO VILE, that I actually physically cannot understand it if you tell me that’s a ‘good roast’.

That is not what this is. Again, this is SHAMING.

This whole thing is her shaming Jake for his trauma and digging it in his head that he deserved all of it. Because ‘he’s annoying’.

Ellie doesn’t know WHY the ex cheated on Jake (unless Jake told her off screen). Maybe it was because the ex found Jake annoying, idk. BUT THAT MAKES IT EVEN WORSE.

That triggers so much more of the trauma in that moment as ‘he left you because you were annoying’, and definitely brought back some shit.

Imagine someone who knows that you were abused by someone tells you that because they don’t like a certain trait of yours, you deserved the abuse. NO. NO ONE DESERVES TO HAVE THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO THEM, REGARDLESS IF YOU HATE THEIR CHARACTER.

That doesn’t mean abused people can’t be bad people. Nor does past abuse excuse bad actions. But it’s something that at least shouldn’t be shamed because, in what world, is abuse the victims fault?

Saying this stuff to someone makes the person’s psyche so much worse. They not only feel attacked, but it’s a kick starter to a lot of dangerous self loathing and anxiety, which could lead to them acting worse.

How do I know this? Because I’ve been there personally.

Yeah that’s another reason why I was so hurt by this scene. It just did a lot of personal flashes in my head. I’m in a better place now, but in terms of my past in school as a teen, I was Jake. I was whiny, impulsive, beefed with all my bullies, and loved to rant to strangers. The reason being that the school environment was giving me so much anxiety and problems, and no one wanted to help me. I was a pain in the ass and everyone hated me. Some would even say it aloud knowing I was in hearing range “I can’t stand *my real name*” “I know, right? She’s so annoying!” Most of them would bully and harass me KNOWING I would react emotionally and just wanted a kick out of it.

I wasn’t cheated on. That never happened to me. But I did have a toxic friendship that lasted for years. I got hurt very badly. I was used, manipulated for my attempted kindness, shamed whenever anything good happened-it was not good. Then they got into drugs and I left before I could fall victim too. Idk where they are now and I don’t care.

And then the teachers, AKA, the adults, sided with them and not me and joined in on shaming me. Even stopping the whole activity just to talk down to me and discredit me.

So… you can imagine the flashbacks I got from watching this scene.

Bottom line is, I got help, I moved out, and I like to think I’m a much better and more mature person now. Still struggle with anxiety though.

But hey, I guess there was no other way Ellie could’ve approached that.

Oh wait no. Because there’s ANOTHER ‘calling out’ scene in the SAME episode.

The one where Miriam calls out Ellie for her personal attacks.

Miriam didn’t go after Ellie’s personal stuff at all in that. She was calm, she listened to Ellie’s defenses, and she countered them accordingly. It was clear she was saying that with good intentions to help Ellie recognize her mistakes. Ellie didn’t listen, but that’s not Miriam’s fault.

THAT is how you call out a loved one for their wrong actions. You have to consider their feelings, tell when what they did wrong, and be there to help them improve in themselves.

You don’t shame personal stuff like this.

Now, I’m not saying that the scene is bad writing. Maybe Ellie going at this the wrong way IS the intention of the scene and we’re supposed to not side with her. But if that was the case wouldn’t everyone be saying she crossed a line here? Regardless if you’re an Ellie Stan or not.

For Jake especially, Miriam would be the harsh judge I imagine to call him out on his actions and behavior, to have him recognize that he was part of the blame for Tom leaving him. That he was stupid, impulsive, and there was a reason he’s so easy to be taken advantage of.

I got a talking down like that from my own parents, and it really opened my eyes to how shitty I was.

So I feel like this scene is gonna have significant consequences to Jake’s psyche. As much as I would love to see Jake realize his faults and redeem into a better person, I have a gut feeling that’s not where this direction is going and he’s just gonna get worse until everyone hates him.

It just won’t be in Season 1 because it’s close to the end and Jake is… you know…

Ellie has far more routable motivations than Jake does. But she went at this the absolute wrong way.

Should’ve just stole the idol.

And you know what’s worse than not stealing the idol? SHE DIDNT EVEN NEED TO DO THIS.

It was BECAUSE of this scene that she lost the challenge! If she actually WAS all about gameplay, she would have just said ‘no’ to Jakes offer, shoved him, and left. And she would’ve won. BUT NO.

If you ask me, writing wise, Ellie should’ve just gotten the immunity. I think that would’ve made a lot more sense than Alec snagging it last minute. Jake and Ellie were never voting together anyway.

They could’ve. But it’s because of their own issues that they refused, didn’t see the light, and caused this whole thing.

Huh. I guess that’s why the scene is called ‘Lights Out’.

Anyway, there’s my rant. Fuck this scene.

[kyoukaru]

ooooo can u tell us about ur AU??!?!

Dont think I've spoke about my Creepypasta AU (not the British school one) and it's still a pretty big WIP, But I am down!!! I've been considering writing some fics for it so ;)

Okay! So the main thing is that Slenderman "feeds" off of the fear of people. Serial killers like Jeff, Nina, Liu, Jane and Natalie help him without realising it. When they become infamous enough, Slenderman proposes to them a level of supernatural support in exchange for them occasionally killing certain people of his choosing.

Meanwhile the proxies (Toby, Kate, Tim and Brian) are stuck in a more abusive relationship with Slender, where he's engineered their situations so they have to rely on him. He keeps them around in the mansion for when he wants to do an organised attack and also because their direct fear of him is pretty powerful.

The Serial Killers can enter the mansion, be that to hide, gather supplies etc... but only as long as they're following the deal with Slenderman. They don't have access to it in the same way the proxies do (I'm thinking the mansion is kinda like a haunted house. It's hierarchy is Slender -> Proxies -> Serial Killers -> Normal people) but their also not aware of the more sinister parts of the house.

Gonna put more individual character thoughts under read more :)

Toby has the most positive relationship with Slender. Primarily because unlike the other proxies he doesn't a) remember what happened pre-Slender. So he's his only frame of reference. b) know there's something wrong with how he's being treated because his brain is still affected by the abuse he faced from his dad.

The other proxies try to explain why it's wrong but it normally falls flat. They try to use their relationships with as a basis (Kate would never hurt him. Tim and Brian would never hurt each other) but Toby's like: yeah. That's because we're forced. Don't wanna know the punishment for killing one of you fuckers.

Tim and Brian are by the far the most defiant and like their life style the least. If it weren't for the fact that they saw they know if they run away, die or kill other proxies or even caused too many issues they'd just be replaced, they'd still be fighting. They plan to take advantage of all the weakness of Slender that they know. But they don't really have a solid plan. They also push the rules to their limits. Slender wants a random guy to die? Well they're gonna choose the worst guy in town.

Tim is more accepting of their situation than Brian. Tim's been dealing with Slender for a lot longer and has a bit more of a defeatist mindset between the whole thing. He settles in easier. Brian still thinks there's a life for him after he escapes, that he can get out.

I need to refresh myself on Kate but I think she's the most neutral of the 4. She goes along with what she's told to do Beyond making sure nothing bad can be linked back to her, she lets the other three do as they like.

Clockwork is the most outwardly hating of Slendy. She signs up to the deal one year after her story and already has a sort of civillian disguise set up (a normal looking prosthetic eye for example.) and was mainly living in motels and doing odd jobs to get by. While she likes the perks, such as having a place to stay and a network of people who get her, she has hard limits she won't cross. If Slenderman tried to push her past them, she'd pack up and leave. When this inevitably happens, she breaks up with Toby and goes no contact with everyone besides Jane.

Jane mainly uses Slender for his network to other killers. While part of her deal is that she can't go after those also "protected" by him, through Liu is how she first hears of Nina. Clockwork knows a couple of killers she's willing to rat out for Jane. For Jane, money and the resources to escape the police is less important because the government already provided that for her. Jane has the most neutral relationships out of everyone but she and Natalie get along well. When Natalie leaves, Jane pretends she doesn't know where she is, as long as the Clockwork killer doesn't start striking again.

Jeff and Liu have the worlds most toxic co-dependency known to man. Jeff cares a lot of Liu and attempted murder thinking it would be worse if he knew what he became. (As he gets older and can think of his life better, he only gets more firm in this decision.) Meanwhile, Liu is pacing around the hospital after being stabbed worrying about his police being too harsh on his brother and how is Jeff gonna get food? He can't exactly hide. Liu himself isn't homicidal per say but it's his way of trying to show Jeff that he's still on his side. Eventually, he just turns to murder when in tricky situations but he doesn't find enjoyment in it.

Jeff was initially offered the deal with Slender because simply hearing he might be in a nearby state is enough to make people panic, a lot. Liu's offer came after the two brothers meet and Jeff threatens to get his life together if Slender doesn't extend the deal. Liu's under no deal himself, as long Jeff is in Slenders debt, so is Liu. They never really get a reputation as a duo though.

Nina's story's basically the same. She's elated that the deal with Slender let's her meet Jeff. Or at least, get closer to meeting him. Jeff's a bit of an ass and she refuses to accept this. She slowly starts to kind of get her own identity as a serial killer while literally everyone besides Jeff tries to convince her to give up this life if it's not what she wants. Nina kind of takes it to heart.

This was going on way to long without the more detailed relationships :sobs: so I'm gonna leave it here. As mentioned, I plan on writing some fics for this AU so feel free to send me requests/prompts in my asks. Or ask me anything else about the AU.

[barcingmatter]

The Beginning (Star Witch Au)

"-And thats why I can't become a witch."

The middle aged person across from Danny hummed quietly for a moment, sipping at their tea while he looked back down at the book in his lap, the title 'A Witchlets Guide To Apprenticeship' taunting him.

"And your parents won't let you apply for the public mentorship? There is one in Amity Park that's always accepting applicants," they set their cup down, looking through the tea leaves left in the bottom.

Danny set the book on the table to join the others he'd been picking through. The library's decent selection on becoming a witch only frustrated him.

How was he supposed to put any of the books to use in his situation?

He huffed, sinking into the plush chair. "No, they're only willing to consider it if I can manage to get a private mentorship. They're only doing it because they KNOW I don't know anyone who can do mentoring. They want me to give up and become a scientist like them," he droned.

The person across from him didn't look up from their tea leaves, like they were looking for something.

"I'm curious," they began, "why do you want to become a witch so bad?"

"Well- its kinda- I mean most people think it's kinda childish-"

"I assure you even if it's childish it won't mean any less."

Danny turned to them and they finally looked back, porcelain cup abandoned on the table. "I... I wanna be worthy of the stars."

They raised an eyebrow. "Worthy of the stars?"

The library was quiet for a moment, save for the subtle 'tick, tock' of a pocket watch hanging from the elders necklace.

"The stars guide people who are lost, and they tell stories and preserve history. They're always there, they help people, kinda... I wanna be like that. I wanna be like the stars, and I wanna know them," he explained.

The elder stood, leaving their cup in its place on the table and picking up one of the books Danny was looking through before their conversation began. "Not many witches do private mentorships outside of family or monetary gain. It would be easier for you to give up and listen to your parents wishes. You might not be good enough to make it to an academy anyways, much less gain an artifact."

Their pocketwatch ticked just a bit faster.

Danny glared at his pile of books, "it would, but that would be stupid. If I gave up on it now I'd probably hate myself for the rest of my life. And then I'd die and still hate myself for not trying." He picked up one of the books and cracked it open, ready to start looking for something, maybe a loophole that would work.

"Alright," they smirked, standing in front of the boy. "I'll mentor you."

The book tumbled to the floor as Danny looked up at the person quick enough to give himself whiplash, "huh?"

"You need a mentor, and I am certified to do so. I only have one condition," they grabbed their necklace, flicking open the pocketwatch.

Danny scrambled to his feet, half sure he was having some weird lucid dream, "yeah anything! Well, not my soul but I mean other than that-!"

"If I mentor you, you will not be allowed to quit. You'll have to push through to graduation, no matter what."

Icy blue met muted red, and Danny nodded enthusiastically.

"Of course! I'm not gonna give up, not when I actually have a chance!" He grinned, hands trembling with energy. Could this really be happening? Could he finally have his in?

"Well then, Daniel-"

"Wait how did you know my name?"

"-I'm clockwork, and I'd be happy to take you on as my apprentice."

They stuck out a hand, Roman numerals and curved lines running along the skin from the palm until it disappeared under a sweater sleeve.

Danny grabbed it, shaking perhaps a bit too excitedly.

The pocketwatch stopped ticking, the stars shone a tad bit brighter, just for a moment.

The tea leaves at the bottom of an old porcelain cup resembled a star.

⏳️____✨️

And that marks the start of danny becoming a witch in this au!

This au is based off of this post I made.

To make it make a bit more sense, in this au magic is practiced by humans and exists parallel to science and the modern world, kinda like little witch academia. Anyone can become a witch but you have to have completed a year long mentorship (at least) to qualify for any magic academy.

Only certain witches are qualified to be a mentor, with it essentially like being certified to be a teacher. Most mentors do public mentorships, mentor a specific family, or get hired on a witch by witch basis.

Clockwork just so happens to be certified, and as a time witch they knew that in quite a few timelines they'd mentor Danny, so they arranged it so they'd 'coincidentally' end up at the library at the same time as the kid trying to look into mentorships. Totally coincidental, not at all staged. Time magic.

Let me know if you want more of this au!

[beewolfwrites]

The Oar in the Sand: Chapter Twenty-Two - The Beginning of the End

Just another update from me! Sorry if this is a messy chapter, I’m literally so tired today :(

But I really hope you enjoy!

___________________________________________________

The silence draped over the prison like fallout. The obsessive whispers of Yaba and Kotoko fell on deaf ears, and I barely even registered Chishiya’s footsteps as he walked away from the cell. Ippei’s cell. Or at least, his remains. 

Ippei never did see the sunrise. He never saw the dawn sliding over the city. He would lie in an unmarked grave, having passed away in an everlasting nighttime - a constant nightmare. And that thought alone was too much to bear.

The sunrise spilled into my cell through a window on the back wall that I hadn’t been able to see until now. Sitting on the floor of my cell, fists clenched around my collar, I knew that this was it. 

The beginning of the end. 

My head spun as I tried to stand. The darkness, the exhaustion, the solitude… it was in my bones, wearing me down from the inside. But if I ended this game right here, I would be finally be able to feel the dawn on my face, not through the windowpanes, but outside in the summer breeze. I would be able to do what Ippei couldn’t. And now that he was gone, everything had changed. 

Chishiya doesn’t have a partner anymore. 

There was a deep seated anger raging within me. However, even if I wanted to scream and spit in his face, I also wanted him to live. But I was helpless in this cell. I couldn’t do much for him unless he came to me first, and Chishiya was far too proud for that. The only reassurance I had was that Chishiya had a knack for surviving no matter what. 

Knowing him, he’ll come up with a strategy. He always does. 

But, it wasn’t Chishiya whom I hated more than anything - it was the Jack of Hearts. For ruining us, for destroying so many lives, for creating a game this cruel, this inhumane. 

I can’t wait to see him fall. 

I paced and paced around my cell, mulling things over and staving off sleep, only to freeze when I noticed a dark shape in the mesh window of the door. A face. But not the one I was expecting.

‘Enji,’ I said. 

It was strange seeing him here. Banda must have been in a secret meeting with Yaba, otherwise Enji would never have strayed near. He was pressed right up against the door. You,’ he whispered. ‘Who are you.’ 

‘You already know my name.’ 

He ignored the comment. ‘Tell me, are you a citizen or a player?’ 

‘And why do you need to know?’ 

‘I need to know if you’re the Jack.’ 

I stepped closer until I could see every line that marred his skin. ‘I think we both know that I’m not.’ 

He scoffed, and I had never hated someone more. ‘You seem confident for someone who’ll die by the next round.’ 

I merely smiled at him. ‘That’s because I am confident.’ 

It was only when he tilted his head that I saw it. A slight blue sheen, lurking just beneath the locks of hair covering his face. I wouldn’t have noticed it if not for the daylight. His left eye was obviously a prosthetic, which would explain why he kept it covered. But prosthetic eyes didn’t usually have a sheen to them. Not unless they were electronic.  

Is that how?

What a disgusting tactic. 

It seemed that Enji hadn’t noticed me staring. ‘You can’t win this game,’ he said. ‘Even if you’re the last player standing, the Jack will always win.’ 

‘I wouldn’t be too sure of that.’ 

I stared him in his prosthetic eye — a move which he seemed to dislike as he backed away from the window, grumbling something under his breath before leaving for the guardroom. In a way, I was glad he paid me a visit. It would only make winning the game that little bit easier. 

And more satisfying.

Stewing in my cell, I mentally prepared myself for Banda’s final visit. With only six players left, this would be the last round: Round Thirteen. And there was only one titbit of information that I had left to offer. 

I splashed some water on my face, more impatient than ever to end this constant silence. Now that there was a light at the end of the tunnel, I was itching to get there, whatever it took. And so, when Banda finally rolled around to my cell, appearing in the window just as Enji had earlier, I snapped at him. 

‘What took you so long?’ 

Banda smiled calmly. ‘You’re too impatient.’

‘We can’t waste time,’ I insisted. ‘The Jack will have already started making his move.’ 

‘Then tell me who the Jack is,’ he said. 

Not so fast. 

As always, I moved my hair out of the way to expose the back of my collar. ‘You’ll have to tell me my suit first.’ 

He sighed, impatient. ‘You’re a Diamond.’

‘Thank you,’ I said, letting my hair fall back into place. If I wanted to end this game, I had to make this exchange count. ‘Have you swapped suits with Enji yet?’ 

‘No. He’s still down in the cafeteria with that guy, Chishiya.’ 

My breath hitched. 

Chishiya’s down there with him?

If I had to hazard a guess, Chishiya would be trying to convince Enji to tell him his suit. In that case, Enji would most definitely tell him wrong one to throw Chishiya off and eliminate him. 

‘So Enji is the Jack of Hearts…’ Banda mused, breaking me out of my reverie. He must have figured it out from my expression. ‘That does explain the cookies,’ he added.  

I tried to explain everything clearly, even if I wasn’t sure whether I was making sense. ‘He’s going to tell you the wrong suit. And he’ll tell Kotoko the wrong suit and ask her to lie to Yaba. Right now, he’s down there probably lying to Chishiya too. He must be banking on me being the only one left, and losing by default. His plan is to be the last man standing.’ 

‘I see.’ Banda nodded slowly. ‘I suppose I’ll just have to lie to him.’ 

I shook my head. ‘It won’t work,’ I told him. ‘Enji’s eye is a prosthetic, the one he keeps covered. But it’s not a normal prosthetic. I can’t prove it, but I have a feeling he’s using it to check his suit.’ 

Banda looked thoroughly unconvinced. ‘And how exactly would you know this?’

‘He came here before, when you were meeting with Yaba. I saw his eye, and it was strange. Prosthetics are normally made of glass, but this one had a sheen to it, like a cat’s eye. It was electronic. I think it could be linked to his collar.’  

‘The rules said that—’

‘The rules said that players can’t use reflective objects to cheat,’ I clarified. ‘They didn’t say anything about the Jack.’ 

‘In other words, Enji can’t lose,’ Banda surmised.  

Now that I thought about it properly, it was so obvious. He had given himself away right from the start — a true One-Eyed Jack. 

‘Well this is interesting.’ Banda muttered, thinking deeply. ‘So lying to him won’t actually work. I suppose I’ll have to make him want to choose the wrong suit.’ 

Huh? Why would he purposely choose the wrong suit?

‘That makes no sense,’ I said. ‘He wouldn’t do that.’ 

Banda smiled darkly, but it didn’t reach his dead eyes. ‘I can be very convincing when I want to be.’  He stepped away from the window, looking into the guardroom. ‘Enji will be back any time now. The next time we meet, the game will be over.’ 

With that, he left. Once again, all I could do was wait. I had given him the information he needed, and for the time being, there was nothing I could do directly. It was clear that Banda had something in store for Enji, something to convince him to intentionally lie, but as for what? It was beyond me. All I wanted was to get out of this damn cell. 

How long was left? Fifteen minutes? Twenty? I couldn’t sit still in my cell, knowing that it was all out of my control now. It was also worrying me a little that Chishiya hadn’t stopped by once. I couldn’t help but wonder whether he really was too proud to stop by my cell and ask for his suit, or if he was angry at me for ignoring his advice? 

 I don’t know how long I waited before the same, calm feminine voice chimed out. 

‘THE HOUR IS ALMOST OVER. PLEASE MAKE YOUR WAY TO THE CELLS.’

This is it. 

The moment Enji’s tower would come crumbling down around him. Even if I didn’t want to, I had to trust in Banda. None of us could leave the venue until Enji was dead, and so long as he had that prosthetic eye, he couldn’t die. 

I just hope he knows what he’s doing.  

One by one, they all filed into the cell block. First Chishiya, followed by Banda and Enji. Judging by the murmurs I could hear from downstairs, Yaba and Kotoko were on the floor just below us.

‘IT IS TIME TO MAKE YOUR GUESS. EVERYONE, PLEASE ENTER A CELL. ONE PERSON PER CELL, PLEASE.’

Without speaking, everyone turned into their individual cells. But what took me by surprise was seeing Chishiya choose a different cell this time. He was no longer directly opposite me, but several doors down instead. 

He doesn’t want anything to do with me… that must be it. 

I couldn’t think about him right now. He was clearly too stubborn to act as my backup and confirm my suit. But it didn’t matter. I had to trust that Banda was telling the truth. He had yet to lie, and if he wanted me dead, I would’ve been splattered across the walls by now. I stepped away from the door, my heart erratic with anticipation. 

‘PLEASE MAKE YOUR GUESS.’

Please let it be the truth. 

‘ダイヤ,’ I said. Diamond. 

I didn’t know what I expected to happen, but there was nothing. No noise. No shouts. No explosions. 

‘Is that it—?’

A wet bang echoed through the block, coming directly from below. My heart shuddered as I listened for any signs of life. Yaba or Kotoko - it could have been either of them. Our success depended on it. 

But which one? 

There was a whirring noise as the lock clicked and buzzer sounded. And even then… none of the cell doors opened. I crept closer to the window, trying to see what was going on.

Chishiya couldn’t have… he couldn’t!

Finally, there was a creak as a cell door slowly opened. I took a sharp breath, hoping to see blond hair and a familiar smirk. However, it was not Chishiya, but Enji who stepped out. He took one look around the empty block. 

‘I won,’ he murmured. 

Slowly, his face cracked into a grin. A small chuckle escaped his lips, building and building until he was laughing like a madman basking in his victory. He spun, eyes glinting as he spotted me, stricken behind my door. 

‘I told you, didn’t I? The Jack will always win.’ He stepped closer, oozing with a confidence he had hidden so well. ‘And now, since just just the two of us, you’ll die by default. Just as I said you would.’ 

The world came crashing down around me, and I was stunned into silence, unable to believe what I was seeing. Was this really the end of the road? Not for him. But for all of us. For me. It wasn’t quite how I thought I would go. 

I closed my eyes as they welled with unshed tears. 

I’m sorry…

A door creaked open. And within seconds, the world righted itself. 

‘Just as I thought, you’re the Jack of Hearts.’ 

That familiar voice… that smirk… he had the nerve to walk out of his cell with his hands in his pockets, as though he hadn’t just cheated death as his own game. My heart swelled with relief, hurt, anger. 

Enji was frozen in place. ‘How?’ 

Overconfident as usual, Chishiya didn’t hold back. ‘I saw when you and that murderer, Banda, paired up. Even if you were impressed by what Banda said, there’s no way anyone could be so accepting of a stranger that quickly.’ His eyes slid over to mine. ‘You certainly weren’t with her.’

A part of me wondered whether Chishiya had wanted me to pair with them just for that purpose. And if so, it only fuelled the anger burning within me, being used as a tool to aid his strategies. But there was something else he said that gave me pause; he had called Banda a murderer. 

Is that what he meant earlier, when he said that he was dangerous?

I had never heard of a murderer named Banda Sunato. But then, I hadn’t been able to understand Japanese newspapers. 

There was a clang of metal as another cell door opened, and speaking of the devil, Banda’s smooth voice sounded through the cell block. ‘There aren’t many people who’d approach someone like me,’ he said. ‘And if you tried to kill me, then you’re either scheming, you’re just a plain idiot, a psychopath or a sociopath.’ 

Enji’s hands began to shake. ‘You… why did you?’ 

‘To find out which one you were, I decided to play along. You thought that you could control me.’ Banda took calm, measured steps towards Enji, who didn’t dare move. ‘You were also confident that you were superior to everyone else. It’s why you treated our third group member like dirt.’ 

’The more important your position is,’ Chishiya interjected, ‘the more your confidence manifests itself. Just like the Jack of Hearts.’ 

Enji’s shook his head. ‘Sorry, but it’s not me,’ he insisted, and pointed at Banda. ‘Banda is the Jack.’ 

The accusation was lost as footsteps sounded from the stairwell, the echo drawing everyone’s attention. From within my cell, I tried to angle my head against the window so that I could see better. 

‘It’s such a shame…’ Yaba’s voice rang out from the stairwell as he casually emerged into the block. ‘But it’s not Banda.’ 

Yaba strolled towards us, suit sharper than ever despite the situation at hand. Enji’s face flashed with confusion, and it was so wonderful to see. 

Your plan didn’t work…

‘You were in cahoots with Kotoko,’ Yaba said. ‘I told Kotoko her real suit, but she still died. It means somebody else was controlling her.’

‘Then—’ Enji frantically doubled back, pointing at Chishiya. ‘Then that guy must be the Jack!’ 

Calm as ever, Chishiya strolled towards my cell. I watched through the grate as he removed whatever was jamming the lock and opened my cell door. It was like taking a breath of fresh air, as I finally stepped out. The cell block seemed huge after being stuck in such a cramped space, the concrete ceilings stretching on forever. I had to lean against the wall to keep up my strength, but it didn’t matter. Anything was better than being in that cave.  

‘What did you just do?’ Enji spluttered. 

‘I noticed it earlier in the cafeteria,’ Chishiya replied, then tilted his head towards me, ‘but I wasn’t the only one.’

‘スナック,’ I said, trying to remember my grammar once more. The snacks. ‘あなたと琴子はおやつを使ってコミュニケーションをとっていた’ You and Kotoko used the snacks to communicate. 

‘That’s ridiculous,’ Enji sneered. ‘What kind of theory is that?’ 

‘それらのクッキー’, I continued. Those cookies. ‘四つの色があった. 四つの味.’ There were four colours. Four flavours. 

‘And four suits,’ Chishiya concluded, as I struggled to find the right words. As I spoke once more, he began to translate for me. 

‘Every time I ran into Kotoko,’ I explained, ‘she was alone in the cafeteria. I noticed that you and her would get the same kinds of snacks. Whenever I joked about it to you, you would get mad at me. I didn’t realise why at the time, but I figured it out pretty quickly. Both of you pretended that you were being controlled, when in fact you were using the snacks to confirm that your suits were correct.’

Yaba made a noise of agreement. ‘You told Kotoko to lie to me about my suit. I really did trust her, except at the end.’ 

Enji’s eyes flitted between the four of us, his breaths coming more and more unsteadily with every passing second. ‘When did you guys all start working together?’ 

‘In the opening announcement for this game,’ Yaba said, ‘they said that it’s a test of how much you trust others.’ He began to walk slowly toward Banda. ‘We simply followed that advice. The best way to build trust isn’t through persuasion, manipulation, or even domination… nor is it through brainwashing or manipulation, deception, fear.’ He stopped at Banda’s side, standing shoulder to shoulder with him. ‘It’s equality.’ 

Enji’s jaw turned slack as he realised what he was faced with. ‘No… no, that can’t be!’ He spun on his heel and pointed at me. ‘You weren’t working with any of them. You could still be the Jack!’ 

‘すでにそれを試しました,’ I muttered. You already tried that once.  

His eyes burned into mine. ‘Who the hell are you?’ 

Chishiya stepped closer towards me. ‘She’s my partner.’ 

I scowled, and moved further away. 

Like hell you are. 

From behind Enji, I saw Banda’s eyes narrow with realisation. I had always been unsure of whether he would figure out that Chishiya was confirming the suits he gave me. But if his expression was anything to go by, Banda had no idea. 

‘What?’ Enji cried out. ‘You two…’ His eyes darted between Chishiya and I. ‘It’s still possible that one of you is the Jack of Hearts! Maybe I did try to deceive you guys, but you can’t assume I’m the Jack based on that!’

‘I wouldn’t be so sure,’ Chishiya interjected smoothly. ‘If those two were so sure that you’re the Jack, then why didn’t Banda lie to you in the last round and try to kill you? They must have formed some kind of deal’ He circled around Enji, uttering his next words with a knowing smirk. ‘Maybe they’re going to get some information out of you.’ 

Banda and Yaba stalked towards Enji, and now I knew what Banda had planned. What he had said earlier finally clicked in the worst way possible… 

“I can be very convincing when I want to be.”

So that was Banda’s true nature. I swallowed, shivers running all along my skin. They were going to torture him until he gave up and lied about his suit.  

‘You can’t!’ Enji cried, as Banda took him by the arm, Yaba grabbing the other. ‘You can’t do this!’ 

I stood straighter as I stared Enji down. ‘他に選択肢はない,’ I said. There’s no other option. I frowned at that stupid flop of hair covering half his face. ‘その目… 首輪につながっているね.’ That eye of yours… it’s linked to your collar, isn’t it? 

Enji’s face crumpled as he realised that I had seen right through his rigged game. He thrashed wildly against the two restraining him. But it was useless as Yaba and Banda dragged him into a cell. It felt good, in a messed up way. I thought of Ippei, of the older woman, Headband, Glasses, all the lives that were wasted in this place. This prison smelled like death. But now, the dawn had risen. 

Yaba and Banda closed the cell door behind them, and I stepped forward, trying to see what they were doing to him. However, before I could get any closer, Chishiya’s hand wrapped around my arm. I shook him off instantly, pulling away as though his touch had burned me. 

‘Don’t,’ I said quietly. ‘Just don’t.’ 

Chishiya’s mouth tilted into a half-smile. ‘Don’t what? Save your life?’ 

‘What do you mea—?’

The cell door opened once more, revealing Banda. He was holding a straight razor in one hand, and his eyes shifted between me and Chishiya. Something didn’t feel right. There was a strange smile on his face, as though he was laughing at a private joke.

‘What?’ I asked him. ‘Aren’t you going to finish off Enji so we can leave by the next round?’

Banda inspected the razor in his hand. ‘I have plenty of time to enjoy Enji,’ he said. ‘But you’re finally out of that cell.’ 

The razor glinted, clean and beautiful in its danger. And all at once, I came to an understanding. The reason why Banda had wanted me alive. 

Banda Sunato, the murderer… 

‘It’s a shame that you two were secretly partners all this time,’ he murmured. ‘But I can still make this work.’ 

The world slowed as Banda strode towards me, gripping the razor blade in one hand. My body wouldn’t move. It couldn’t. And all I could see was that razor and those dead, dead eyes, suddenly filled with a darkness I hadn’t noticed before. 

Banda is…

The crack of a gunshot ricocheted through the cell block. I leapt out of the way, as did Banda, and I stumbled to the ground with my palms pressed to my ears. The sound burst through my head, echoing and echoing until I realised that my ears were ringing. 

And then I raised my head, finally noticing the pistol in Chishiya’s outstretched hand. 

[unclevladscorner]

I have to reassess my feelings on Cemetery Boys

I want to be clear- I had a really difficult time reading this book. It was not fun, nor was it particularly enjoyable for me. Reading it touched a raw emotional nerve in me, and I had such a wildly different experience with it from most other transmasculine people that I do not relate to the attachment many feel for the book.

But the thing is I could not seem to explain why, exactly. The book is not bad. The language is a little plainer than I'd like normally. The story is also not bad. I could see the ending from a long ways off, but I'm also almost 40 and this is a YA book.

I thought it might be my age. I'm older and I didn't start my transition until I was 30. But I think I have to admit that it was that I saw my own very raw younger self reflected in Julian so nearly completely it hit on some difficult to feel emotions about what it was like to be a queer kid.

Julian isn't just literally invisible- he's metaphorically invisible in his own life. Abandoned, half neglected and living with behavioral issues, this kid is completely feral. His friends are his family, and he would literally die for them.

I know him and his life because; in spite of our racial and geographical differences, it was my own life. The mechanic father and brother, the mother who abandoned them? Yup, my life too.

Yadirel has it much easier in comparison to Julian and he is blissfully unaware of it. His situation isn't particularly easy or even much more comfortable, but his awkward family is stable and at a better place to work with him. Yadirel's family isn't always sensitive to his needs; nor are they always supportive, but they do love him.

The reaction I had was so raw, so emotional, and so hard to explain that I really hated the experience for a long time. I finished the book a year ago, and I still chafe a little when it comes up.

At the end of the day, Yadirel's life just wasn't my life, his experiences as a trans person are nothing like my own, and that's why I didn't really relate.

That being said, a younger trans person showing agency with his own life resonates very strongly with a lot of trans people. That's a good thing! The book touched a lot of other transmasculine people in ways that has been deeply important for them.

I'd still recommend this book to people who are just discovering their transness or queerness. I think it can be a good place for some people to start, even if I wasn't that person myself.

[ina-nis]

This is making me go a little insane again today because I'm always the oldest one in my groups and let me tell how people throw "predator" and "groomer" when your only crime is something you have no control over (your age). Yeah, I don't take that shit well at all.

I gave up on deeply connecting with people my age because there's almost not a single thing we have in common and it's hard with the whole queerness + disability + sober stuff. People are busy with jobs and families too so there's no place for me in their lives.

It's easier to connect with younger folks because of shared interests and literally being on a similar place in life (having not built much), many are not in long-term relationships or married, and definitely most do not have kids.

I hate this, I honestly do. I feel creepy and disgusted but beating myself up over something out of my control won't do anything to help so I don't do that anymore.

Do you seriously think I like being here, where the majority of the current userbase are super young, when I've been on this website for over 10 years? I really don't. I could never really connect deeply with people in real life, ever since I can remember, ever since internet and smartphones weren't really that accessible. At least now, I have a way to make connections, and keep these connection in my life, even if only virtually.

Don't even get me started on the whole "I'm lonely. I want a partner" because I'm really getting out of my comfort zone and coming onto any adults, regardless of their age - obviously, always younger than me...

I don't know... this shit fucking sucks and it's only going to get worse the older I get, I guess.

My therapist was excited about the possibility of me going back to school because "you'd be able to meet more people and make friends" but I already have a degree and all the relationships in these places (school, work, etc) are temporary: they exist as long as you're there. I gave up on trying to understand why, and it has a lot to do with people and their own priorities. You become a footnote in their lives, and they become one in yours too. The connections die.

So... am I willing to put myself in debt and emotional strain, for who knows how many years, so I'd, maybe, get my foot on the job market (again) and make friends (again), just to deal (again) with the crushing reality of being virtually unemployable and see connections I might spent a lot of energy and time building up, die? I'm not really sure if I want to do that again, or if I want to keep on doing that, to be honest.

It's funny because it went full circle: when I was younger and even as a child, I found it hard to connect with people my age (probably something to do with how you have to mature under duress to survive, and the whole childhood trauma thing, too); and now as a fully-grown adult, I achieved basically nothing people my age "ought" to: I don't have a career, I'm not in a relationship (never have been), I don't work because of my disabilities, I don't have a family or friends I can count on (so no social buffers or a safety system), I have built virtually nothing concrete, much like how when you're just starting your adult life!

As much as I understand the sentiment coming from people about how "it's not too late" and "you're not behind in life, you're where you're supposed to be", you'll still be labeled a predator for only having young friends and childish interests on the internet - and before anyone tells me to just "get off internet and go outside" do I need to explain again the matters of accessibility? Also "it's alright to not being able to work" until you have a invisible disability that makes it looks like you're actually just faking it, and so on.

I understand I'm one of those. I understand I have all these horrible "red flags" and that no one should ever be allowed near me, and I should never really approach any young person ever. The irony is that I don't like children and immaturity is a huge turn off for me so I'm stuck with a bunch of young inexperienced people. It sucks for me in a lot of different ways.

But I'll honestly take that over being around people my age who managed to build things and relationships over time. I don't need any more reminders of how much "lost" time I have to grieve...

I'm not naive, I know I still have time and I know I have built quite a lot of things. That's not the point I'm trying to make, and that's not what I have to grieve either. The matter of time is still a huge issue that is absolutely out of my control and I can only do so much with what I have.

[apatheticcrossovers]

Could you write biltzo x monika fic with fluff and little bit of angst?

(I hope this ship isn't in crack ship category)

Of course! And don't worry, when I say in my pinned that I won't do "Joke Ships" I mean like, ships that are overly memed on and stuff, and only done for laughs and stuff (I hope that makes sense, I'm not too good at explaining). I have some ships that would probably dip into crack ship territory tbh. - Mod Apathetic

All for You

Fandoms: Doki Doki Liturature Club, Helluva Boss Ship: Blitzo (Helluva Boss)/Monika (Doki Doki Literature Club) Characters: Blitzo (Helluva Boss), Monika (Doki Doki Literature Club) Tw: none Summary: Whenever Blitzo was in the human world on a job to kill someone, he'd occasionally get distracted whenever he saw a human game he was interested in. It wasn't easy to find human games in hell. Luckily, I seemed to have found one from the human world he could get in hell, and it was for free too! He didn't think he'd get this emotional playing it though...

"So, you're really just, stuck in there?" Blitzo looked at the computer screen, raising an eyebrow slightly. He had found this game called 'Doki Doki Literature Club' on his last trip to the human world. He's always down for some hot anime girls, so was excited when he found out he could get it for free in hell too. Then violent stuff started happening, and he got really excited. But now he was at the final act, with the antagonist character, Monika, who he's just now finding out is actually alive and sentient, and not just programmed to do bad things.

"I'm sorry Blitzo, but, there's not much I can do to get to your world..." She had a sad look on her face as her voice came out of the speaker to his old box computer. "Especially with this old hunk of junk you downloaded the game on!" She let out a small laugh, crossing her arms. Blitzo laughed as well, but still took offense to that.

"Hey, it's not my fault! Imps get no respect down here, it's easier for us to just die out than actually try and make a living!" Blitzo let out another loud laugh, but stopped when he realized that Monika, wasn't laugh, in fact, she didn't seem to find it funny at all. Her face was contorted into a frown as she looked at Blitzo through the screen, resting her arms on her desk.

"Blitzo, you don't... actually think that, do you?" She sounded concerned. Monika didn't really know anything about hell, she didn't have much of a concept of an afterlife for herself, sense she didn't even have a soul, but were Imps really treated that poorly down there? "You know Blitzo, You shouldn't talk like that..."

"What's wrong, I'm just speaking the truth, Imps are treated like nothing but a burden, the scum of hell, the lowest of the low." He was getting angry as he spoke, which only caused Monika to get more concerned. She may have not known Blitzo for long, but she did know she cared about him, that's for sure. "Besides, why do you even care?"

"I care because I love you Blitzo!" Monika leaned forward slightly, though it didn't bring her any closer to him physically, she still felt as if it would help. Blitzo stared for a moment, almost silent. No, no she couldn't love him, how could she ever someone like him?

"No, no you don't mean that Monika..." Blitzo said, leaning away from the computer slightly. Monika so desperately wanted to reach out to him, let him know that she did truly care, that everything would be ok.

"Blitzo... why else do you think I did all of this?" Monika was deadpan as she spoke, resting in her seat again as she looked out at Blitzo. "I destroyed my game, I hurt my friends and the people I care about because... I wanted to be with you Blitzo..." Monika felt guilty as she spoke. She had regretted everything she had done, to her friends, to her game, everything. "I hate myself for everything I've done, but... I had no other option, the game wouldn't give me a route so... I made my own.."

Bitzo was silent as he stared at the screen, trying to find the words to say what he was thinking. He had completely forgotten that everything in the game was her doing, and he hadn't even realized that she did it all in order to be with him. No one had ever really done something so drastic before, it was hard to believe that she was willing to practically ruin her 'life' just for him.

"You, really ruined your life, for me?" Blitzo's voice was quite and nervous, as if still cautious about Monika's true intentions with him. He could actually have a relationship with her, right? He technically wasn't real, and they couldn't actually show affection to each other outside of maybe verbal affection, which Blitzo still wasn't entirely used to. "You, you didn't have to do that you know... I mean, you barely even know me..."

"But, I did Blitzo... I couldn't risk losing you... you mean so much to me..." Monika sounded sad as she spoke, she even looked like she was holding back tears, sucking in a breath as she tried to keep her composure. "I know enough about you to know that I love you, so... please..."

Blitzo was silent for another moment, feeling his heart skip a beat as he looked at Monika. Is this what true, unconditional love was like? It felt, wonderful, fantastic even. Blitzo finally smiled at Monika, reached his hand to the screen, and caressed it slightly, as if trying to why away her tears. "Thanks, Monika... really..." His voice was softer now, letting out a soft sigh as he did. Monika smiled, feeling ever so slightly comforted by his attempt as wiping away her tears. "I promise, I'll find a way to get you out of there, even if it's the last thing I do..."

Monika could help but smile at his words, her face softening as she looked at him. "Thank you, Blitzo... I really do love you..."

"I..." Blitzo hesitated slightly, he had never said the words before, swallowing slightly before finally speaking. "I love you too, Monika..."

[malocclusive]

spent like the past 20 minuts going off on being overworked but honestly

who gives a fuck

I'm tired is the long and short, and I went to a case manager for a student with special needs who told me she was happy the kid was failing.

And I straight up asked her why she would ever think that way

And she said "Because this isn't the correct placement for this student, but the county won't approve payments to an outside school."

BRO IF I FUCKING KNEW THAT I'D BE SLAPPING THOSE 0S IN WITH A SMILE ON MY FACE

I'VE BEEN BORDERLINE CRYING MYSELF TO SLEEP ON THE DAILY.

I'm outside DC in one of the top ranked HS in the goddamn US, and I have kids who can't read or follow more than one direction at a time (images on paper as well as written even) with no para in my room. I have 36 kids and 45 minutes, with a 10 minute clean up. If I just have them go ham, I have 1 minute per kid regardless of ability or need.

I never even thought of it that way. I was in so many remedial classes as a kid and so neglected that I got into teaching. I'm constantly explaining away how to remediate a single point lost on asssignments so it can be resubmitted that I didn't even realize that was a wholeass thing used to force the county to provide services. I'm constantly trying to make sure everything is as possible to retake and accessible for ev*er*y*one that I've placed feelings of a kid over the fact the system is actively ensuring they aren't accommodated because it's expensive.

I still don't feel right, and I'll meet them where they're at despite it running me ragged and destroying me, but I didn't even have it click that the data is forcing the real hands with the money. That I fucking hate as a concept. These kids are already fucking snickered at for shit they can't control, they shouldn't have to look at failing classes when they genuinely are working where they're at. But also. Most of them aren't aware if they're at that point. Like, genuinely. I'm trying to pad the ego of someone with so few supports towards being diploma bound that only their family MAY be concerned about their grade. I'll still spend as much time as I possible can to help them make something they're proud of, but fuck.

I'll never be the person giving even the median amount of fucks in a situation. I needed that as a kid, but the sheer amount of apathy/number of kids/inability because I have kids with extremely limited fine motor skills being put in a ceramics 1 class is shredding the meat from my bones

I have so many wins day by day, but it's.... not good for me. It wasn't any different when I taught elementary honestly. At least now the majority of kids in my class understand cause and effect/empathy/their folks MIGHT understand they can't just do whatever they want and skip class and shit by high school.

I'm constantly having kids I teach; or adjacent to me who hang in my room after school/at lunch saying I'm a safe space because I'm so aggressively queer and supportive of just.... listening and helping them out with random shit. That's what I'm here for and it heartens me so much.

I've had kids come out as trans, intersex, terrible home life situations (That are so relieved when I chastely explain my own background which was pretty bad), LITERALLY HAVING A BRAIN TUMOR as of today, like. God. That's what I'm here for.

I've taught students with vary abilities and special needs for a decade now, but it doesn't get any easier to see that they're thrown into your room with no support. And the only way to fix it is to give reports saying "They're failing" and wait years. It makes me want to die, despite doing everything I can constantly. It'll never get easier unless i stop caring, but I don't think I can.

[alicenaivory]

•⊱ Abandonment-II•⊱ (written in 2018)

[A strong ache resides within the pit of my stomach. Theres a inching underneath my nails that wanted to scrape up against flesh until I felt bone. A pain in my gums that could be cured with just one taste. A light twitching in my ears that craved to hear terrified screams. It’s returned and this time it came with a fight. I’m trying to hold on but internally I am aching with pain. I’m hungry but this hunger I am feeling is like no other. My recent events are changing things-/changing/ me. I may have officially drove myself mad this time around. I could’ve easily scratched this itch if I hadn’t destroyed my ring. Not having my daylight ring on my finger felt like a void. A sudden emptiness that was sickening in a way. The ring may have had its perks but in all it was still hindering me. Besides I couldn’t fully enjoy it without he who’s name I couldn’t even speak.

I flex my right fingers in and out, watching the sticky dry crimson that coats my fingers. I shift my frame on the sofa chair I’m resting upon. My right leg crossed over the left and my foot tapping in the same rhythm as my heartbeat. I roll the tip of my tongue across my fangs to soothe the pain in my gums. The room was filled with darkness, dark red curtains covering the windows which blocked the sun from coming in. I use to have the luxury of going out and blending in with the humans but that’s no longer what I desired. I didn’t have many human desires anymore.

The time was around twelve noon now and I still had many more hours to go before the feed. I’m growing very impatient and anxious the more I look over at the phone resting beside me. I’m watching every minute go by and the minutes are driving me crazy. It had never been this strong before but it was now because something was stopping me. I’m torturing myself it seems. I could just hear Damon’s voice telling me to enjoy the anticipation before giving into the temptation. Watching the time made this no easier for me. What will I do once the batteries die out? What will I do with absolutely nothing to focus on?

I still have yet to change the clothes I had on from last night. That would explain the crimson that still clung to me. It wasn’t my usual behavior considering how vain I was. I acted more on impulse lately than anything. I had risen my petite frame from the chair, my sharp heels scraping against the beige carpet. I saunter forward until I’m near the window where the curtains are. I reach my hand forward to slip it between the middle of the curtain. I feel a burning sensation against the tips of my fingers but I hadn’t pulled away just yet. I wanted to feel the pain inflicted against my skin instead of the numbness I often felt. Pain reminded me of him because pain is what he liked. I retracted my hand from the window to refrain from catching fire. I expelled a soft whimper from my lips out of the frustration but now so much as the pain.]

Damn it!

[As my hand took its time to heal I started to pace the room. I took time to examine different items that I could see in the darkness to pass time. The cheap motel I was in didn’t even have a room with lights which drives my frustration further. The bed was twin size and had nothing but a box string. I regretted coming here but now I’m stuck. I noticed the change within my body. The hungrier I am the more sensitive my senses are becoming. The cars driving by and any small noises that were made is like a strain on my ears. I damaged and destroyed small useless things around me as the hours pass and the sun still shines.]

You’re punishing me. Even dead you still have the last laugh. [I whispered softly as if I’m taking to someone but there’s no one here but me. I still think about him because no matter what I was still living for him and I hated it. The power he still holds even when he’s not among the living. Thinking about it made my body feel hot and a small trickle of sweat runs down my forehead. My blonde healthy hair is starting to get just a bit wild as the perfect curls are falling. The anticipation to feed just building up and no human nor my kind would be safe from me. I doubt that anyone would be able to stop me in this state and that could become dangerous later on.

After a few more hours of me struggling and my lack of patience the sun had finally set. The time was now around 7:00pm and I had finally felt free. I inhaled a breath to release a sigh from my lips. Every maniacal thought I had no longer had to be thoughts. I can act upon them now. In enhanced speed I was at the wooden door unlocking it from being locked shut. I took caution to be sure and there was not a beam of sunlight. I run my hand along the hinge of the door, scraping sharp nails against the wood. I dug so hard that splinters could get stuck under my nails. I inhale another breath of fresh air and I could smell the left behind scents of each human that passed by. My vampiric visage began to take over my features with the dark eyes and the pulsing veins just right underneath my lids. I was embracing the animal I had become and The Latex Queen, which I preferred, was coming to play.]

—Part 2.

[cepheusgalaxy]

Hi, I'm back again! (I'm the lesbian ace? Demi? Something, anon)

Idk if it needs it but I'll put a lil trigger warning here to be safe:) so slight sex mention tw (literally just naming 2 things, nothing specific but still)

So I kinda spoke a very minimal amount about me potentially being ace to my vest friend when I was at college the other day! It was kinda awkward but it was nice cause I've never spoken to anyone irl about it beforeb(maintl cause I'm really awkward about talking about sex In general)

For reference to make it easier I'm gunna use initials for people cause I don't wanna say anyone's real names but I'm L, my best friend is R(dude) and the 2 others are O (dude) and C (girl)

Yeah so basically me,my best friend and 2 other people from my class were all chatting at lunch and somehow they brought up the conversation of a body count and I didn't know what it was and they were like "heh you're so innocent " and I was like heh yeah and they were joking about that and O was like" I don't see why cause sex is great" ans I was like "eh I don't really see the point,like if it's just the fact that it feels good like so does a back massage and that's way more beneficial." I didn't really think much of it, like I was just saying exactly what I was thinking. And I do back massages are so cool, it's so good for u and way less weird than sex. And C and O looked at me kinda weirdly and laughed then said its different but I was like nah sounds weird and R (my best friend) was like "um dude, I think u might be ace?" So I was like eh maybe probably idk, when I looked at demi before and it seems similar and then the other 2 cut in saying general things of oh u don't like sex? Why it's fun? Etc and I again said I don't see the point,like maybe if I was in a good relationship and they wanted to potentially hut it doesnt seem that great and I then added on oh I could probably just be a top tho and I wouldn't have to do anything to myself, apparently no. They then slowly asked "wiat how much do u know about lesbian sex?" And I was like a bit I guess and they asked what so I just said fingering, also kissing and it was incredibly weird saying this! I am a very confident person and very talkative in general but in literally any other situation, not this. And they kinda weren't well there's a lot more then that and fingering was like beforehand?(there was a specific word for it hut i cant remebwr what) and I was like I thought that was pretty mcuh it except oral but that sounds super weird and yucky and they said about scissoring and explained it, and mate that sounds bloody weird. A no from me.

So apparently there's a lot more to sex than I thought and this is reinforcing my thoughts of nope that sounds weird. Also apparenlg my research of sadly reading 2 smuts was not enough to tell me everything but i hated them and never wanna do that again. Also I was as red as a tomato the whole conversation and as soon as it got into specifics I wanted to die. But anyway I kinda told them which is nice and I'm still figuring out but it kinda helped.

(The word you want is foreplay)

That seems awkward for sure XD talking about stuff you don't like can be pretty annoying. I hope you don't need to participe in these conversationd again

[barcodetracker]

Help

I bleed my heart out until there is nothing left to bleed,

Worrying about things I can’t fix,

Things I can’t change,

And things that scare me,

Like I’ve gained some forbidden knowledge that prevents me from living in peace,

I’m not happy,

I’m not ok,

I’m scared,

I feel like a little kid and I hate it,

Like I’m just some scared little girl wanting her mommy,

Crying when she doesn’t know what to do,

I want to die,

I want to die because I want to live,

I’m too scared to live,

I’m too scared to die,

I want to be happy,

But I just can’t,

Not now,

Not ever,

It only comes in short bursts until I think of it all again,

It’s easier to express than it is to tell,

And even then I don’t want to explain,

I don’t want you worrying about me,

I don’t want to be a burden,

But I want you to think about me,

Because sometimes I don’t want to think at all,

Help me when I can’t help myself,

When I lock it all away and hope I can change,

When I worry too much and my stomach hurts,

When I get too embarrassed and delete everything before I have a chance to talk,

I need help

[lifeinmedicine]

January 15

This day will forever live in infamy in my life. My whole family's life. The anniversary of the day my dad left this world.

Every year I try to ask myself, "how do I feel today?" And every year I answer something that scratches the surface, busying myself instead with whatever memorial events my mom and family plans. I don't let myself feel or acknowledge, fulling accepting that years of suppression is never a good thing and will probably blow up in my face at some point. But it's always easier to let it go and ignore it, than to face the demons in my own mind.

But today I want to try. For you, dad. So how do I feel?

I feel sad. Obviously. I feel sad that you're not here anymore. That I don't get to see your beautiful smile, and see how your big belly shakes everytime you laugh at your own dad joke. I'm sad at all the events that have already transpired without you by my side, and to think of all the life events to come where you will be absent. "He's always with you." It's something people say to make you feel better and I know it's all bullshit. The rational part of me knows you're gone and whatever form of you exists today is just whatever I've created from my memories. I can shape them however I want-- to erase your flaws, and enhance your love, even if that may not be accurate. To convince myself you would approve of my choices and be proud of me, even if that may not be true.

I feel guilty. Guilty that I just want my life and my mind to go back to normal, and shocked by how normal it has already become just 4 years after you left me. I feel guilty that I'm going to go about my normal life today, as if 4 years today my dad didn't fucking die. I feel guilty about wanting to do things today that make me feel happy, instead of spending the day feeling sad that you're no longer here. I feel guilty that I don't think about you every single day, even though somehow you are always present on my mind. I feel guilty that I haven't let myself open up to all of these feelings buried deep down inside my brain and move on to create something beautiful from your memory. Maybe one day I'll be strong enough to do that, but today I'm broken.

I feel scared. I'm scared to cry and open the doors to all the memories of your time in the hospital, because I know once I do, they cannot be closed easily. I have to lock them with my rationalization and desire for happiness but I know behind them lurks all of my fears and doubts, and all of the sadness I desperately don't want to confront. I'm scared of what this suppression will cause me in the long run but I'm too much of a coward to do anything about it. And I feel guilty that I'm too scared to celebrate your life today and to allow myself to openly feel all these things today, because of all the discomfort it will cause me.

I'm tired. I'm tired of my grief and regrets. I'm tired of the grief and emotions of my family and trying to console them. I'm tired of explaining what happened to everyone, convincing them all that we all did everything we could, convincing myself that I did the best I could as your daughter who is also a physician. I hate all the questions, dad. Because sometimes they scratch at that door to all my doubts that maybe there was something I could have done differently? Maybe there was something we could have changed and you would still be here today. I know that's not true, and I know nothing good comes from thinking that way, but today I'm tired and my tight grasp on reality slips and I let myself think like this, even if it's to my own torment. I'm tired of how much space your death has taken up in our family. Of how much things have changed between us and how much your death influences everything we say and do. And now I feel guilty for saying that.

I'm confused. I'm confused that I have come so far from where I started in this grief, but still have so long to go. I'm not a crier, everyone knows that. But then why do I cry everytime I have a quiet moment to think about you? How come I can smile on a daily basis when I see pictures of you, and talk about you to my friends, but then still break down completely like you just died yesterday?

And I'm not dumb. I know all of these feelings are normal. I know it's okay to feel okay today, or to do something that makes me happy, or just live my life like I normally would. I know you wouldn't want me to feel all these things. I know with time things are going to change. They've changed so much already-- all the fears and concerns I had when you first died have ebbed and now deeper, more complex existential questions have replaced them. I know I need professional help to deal with everything. I know it all.

But it doesn't change what today means. I wish I had something profound I could end this saga with. Tell you that I'm okay, that I've found some sort of happiness, blah, blah. I don't have it in me today dad. All I can say is that I miss you a lot, I wish this never happened, and that I'm sorry for all the shitty things I may have said or done while you were still alive. Sometimes I look for a sign from you. My sister always talks about cardinals and how they're a sign of people you've lost and I never believed that. But today I desperately look for these prized red birds. For one of your favorite songs on the radio. Anything to tell me you're still out there somehow, still with me.

So, I guess today I just feel. Everything. Good and bad, whatever it is, I feel it today.

[manslaught]

mikayla knows she's been acting off since tai's group left— quiet, reserved, dejected. she planned on acting more unaffected, the way that she always does, but that was before mikayla ending up kissing tai. in the moment, it felt right, felt like the only thing that made sense to do, especially if they never got to see each other again. she hadn't seemed to consider how difficult the aftermath of it would be, how it would only worse the worry she would already inevitably have for tai— the others, too, but her thoughts center primarily around taissa, the way they always have.

in some attempt to explain herself, to brush off her worry as just plain regret, she'd told natalie that she should have gone with them. a part of her feels like it's the truth; she should have, because mikayla could have been useful. because at least then, she wouldn't be trapped near this cabin, wondering if tai was okay, if she was going to die. admittedly, there had been a moment, maybe twenty minutes after the others left, where mikayla considered catching up with them, even if she knew it would mean facing tai again, having to deal with the feelings she never planned on acknowledging at all. but she stayed back, anchored by fear.

@lingeringscars said, both of you together would be a dangerous thing.

mikayla doesn't have to ask who she's talking about, knowing that it's the same person who's been on her mind this entire time. she's right, but maybe not for the reasons nat thinks. because the truth is that mikayla never hated tai, not even a little bit, so they wouldn't be at risk of killing each other out there. no, she would only be at risk of disgusting her father, which is dangerous, even if he's not here. even if she's not sure she'll ever see him again.

“ i can control myself, you know, ” she grumbles, only casting a second long glance up at nat before she looks back down at the blade she's trying to sharpen, just in an attempt to busy herself, to do anything more than just mope around in waiting. had it been anyone else, she would have been more aggressive about her response, more defensive. or worse, she'd just agree, act like she would have fought with tai, because that's the image she's supposed to present. it's harder to fake it with nat, the only person who could possibly understand her, because their home lives aren't that different. she's softer with her, even if it's not by much.

“ i just think i could've helped. she's annoying, but i don't want to her to get hurt. ” the realization that she fucked up with her words makes her falter, the blade moving too fast against the rock, nearly slicing herself. she misses, just barely, the blade grazing against her skin enough to sting, but not enough to draw blood. fucking embarrassing. “ any of them. i don't want any of them to get hurt, ” she amends her statement, trying not to let her voice waver as she does, feeling like she already slipped up, and not just with the knife.

because she's afraid, terrified that she exposed herself too much, it feels easier to try to pick a fight, start an argument, something to distract from what she just said. “ you should've let them take the gun. ” she runs her fingers over the place on her hand she nearly cut, leaning back as she looks up at nat, finally. “ they're going further out. you and travis haven't been able to find anything to eat here, but maybe they could have. ” and maybe they'd be safer, more importantly, but it feels like she has to make it about herself, about her own survival.

[seeminglyseph]

I’m like. Absolutely terrible at dealing with PMS, but, there’s something about getting used to knowing that, which is making it a little easier because now I’m like. “Okay, I’m starting to track the weeks now, and with my Fitbit that’s a little easier, and I can plan in advance for the mood shifts and the abrupt changes in my inflammation levels”

Though I admit I still forget how much it’s gonna affect me until it starts happening and I’m like “what the fuck is this shit why do i abruptly hurt more than i did a week ago? Also emotionally i want to die and my brain is not working properly at all” which i mean.

All of those things suck, so I think part of it is that thing where your brain forgets how bad pain is? Also since my memory and cognitive functioning just fucking nosedives every time I probably just like. Fully forget what it’s like. Because my brain is just lagging like I ran out of processing power and it’s a disaster.

But also I hated being on BC for menstrual control, and there are multiple sources that tie it with aggravating IIH, or triggering it. And so I don’t know, I don’t think I want to go back on BC. Though if I want to start having an active sex life I should definitely start looking into it, but also also I’m probably old enough and disabled enough I could get someone to tie my tubes without much fuss. I mean given that Canada is unacceptably cool with sterilization in too many situations I could probably just be like “I am not interested in passing my genetics down to another generation” and not have any doctors fight me since I’m already old enough that doctors would start having concerns. Yeah my mom had her kids at about this age but her illnesses were car related. Most of the autoimmune stuff showed up in my generation or my dad’s side of the family, or I didn’t hear about it because we moved to a different province and therefore I have like none of the family history that everyone else does.

I should maybe try and restart my Facebook since that’s where the family does social media but also that website is hell. I feel like I should try to do more social media in other places for like. Idk. Networking and communication and socialization, but also I feel like I hate that? And I don’t know the norms of those platforms at all and I’m starting way behind everyone else and it sucks. I don’t mind Reddit for the most part, though I’m not really active on it, but it has some communities that I like. But places where I’m expected to be myself is like. Hell. I like some degree of like… separation from my family and social expectations and stuff like. Probably no one here is gonna judge whether I’m presenting an acceptable enough representation of myself to the outside world of who I am.

Like this isn’t the version of me that feels like has to be business casual and not scare the normies? Idk exactly how to explain it without sounding fake but like there’s an acceptable amount of mentally ill or disabled or whatever for certain people and that’s for things that have my real name on it. And then there’s places where I can be seph who has problems with hygiene and ADHD and ASD and cPTSD and probably BPD or bipolar 2 or something and Agoraphobia and I haven’t been able to function in like 2+ years because of so many Symptoms of all the Things and it just makes people uncomfortable to have to deal with the reality of how much that affects a person and how that’s not easy to deal with or whatever. Or like the fact that people with all this shit take work and time and effort and whatnot, and are sometimes disagreeable and emotional and messy. And I don’t want to deal with people lashing out with anger because they want to be a good person, but they don’t have any patience to deal with like… the reality of caring for someone who isn’t a really convenient cute image of a damaged person they’d imagined. Like I empathize, because it is hard, but also like. I’ve dealt with it too much, too many times already and I’m kinda over it. So I dunno I’m figuring it out.

[the-anxious-skeleton]

Hi! I don’t know if this should be a question or if I just wanted someone to listen, but I appreciate you having asks open.

So I have really bad anxiety, both general and social anxiety. It’s usually manageable in real life because I have really good friends that are emotionally supportive. But this situation feels kinda stupid to bother my friends about and I was embarrassed. They also don’t use Tumblr, so it would’ve been harder to explain.

I started a Tumblr blog a couple of days ago. It was just a small thing to write about characters for games and shows I was into. I made a pinned intro including groups I didn’t want to interact with the blog. I think the exact wording included “racists, homophobes, transphobes, furries - basically anyone with anything gross / hateful / offensive to say”. I didn’t see a problem with this at the time, however, not too long ago I got an anon ask that read “Seriously? Lumping furries with transphobes and homophobes? What’s wrong with you lmao”

In hindsight, I can totally see their point. I was undermining the severity of other hateful groups because, obviously, furries aren’t anything comparable to those things and have nothing to do with them. Even if I didn’t intend that in anyway, it could still undermine those sensitive topics and offend another group of people that have nothing to do with those things.

However, due to my anxiety, I guess I got triggered and panicked. I deleted my blog not too long after I read the message. I already have a lot going on with tests and stuff and I didn’t think it through. I should’ve apologized and held myself accountable. I would say it was be removing myself from a situation I wasn’t mentally prepared for, but I feel like I just ran away from a situation even though I knew I was in the wrong. I feel guilty.

I feel that my anxiety makes it so I cannot handle an online space. I am a creative, both an artist and writer, so I crave validation for my work from a large amount of people. But if I do so much as make a small mistake or do something unintentionally, I panic and isolate myself again. And then I feel worse because I feel like I’m running away from my problems. It’s like a bad cycle.

I’m sorry if this ask is too long or rambling, but I felt like talking to someone from the same platform would make it a bit easier for them to understand. I’m probably making this a way bigger issue than it is or maybe not. I get so in my head sometimes it’s hard to tell, and I hope that makes sense. Thank you once again and I hope you have a very nice day :)

Hey. I'm so glad you reached out!

I encountered a situation very similar to this on my main blog. I basically posted something very triggering to some people and didn't tag it properly. I added broad mental health related tags instead of more specific tags that would have appealed to a niche group that would have understood what I was talking about without being triggered. Someone submitted an anonymous ask, very kindly brought the inappropriate tagging to my attention. I was wildly embarrassed and wanted to curl up and die. I deleted the post and apologized in response to the ask. This really hurt my feelings and made me feel really stupid. In retrospect, I really appreciate that person pointing out the issue in a respectful manner. It helped me become more aware of how the Tumblr community works and helped me understand that I needed to be conscious of other people's situations. The best thing you can do at this point is to rebuild a blog for your work, and if you aren't sure about something you're posting, ask a friend, or of course, send me a message and I can help. I hope this was helpful and made sense. I am very proud of you for recognizing your mistake and growing from that. Everyone makes mistakes, but not many take the initiative to grow from them. Again, let me know if there is anything else I can help you with! Everything will be alright, you got this!