#easier to defer the two if people ask

[caycanteven]

Here's my skele sona ref, Xel ~ I'm so good with naming conventions aren't I?

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

upon his grace 2

No tag lists. Do not send asks or DMs about updates. Review my pinned post for guidelines, masterlist, etc.

Warnings: this fic will include dark content such as noncon/dubcon, age gap, power dynamics, cheating, bullying, and possible untagged elements. My warnings are not exhaustive, enter at your own risk.

This is a dark!fic and explicit. 18+ only. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings have been given. DO NOT PROCEED if these matters upset you.

Summary: You are called to court after the end of the civil war, but find yourself facing many challenges, expected and not. (fantasy medieval au)

Characters: king!Steve Rogers

Note: friday!

As per usual, I humbly request your thoughts! Reblogs are always appreciated and welcomed, not only do I see them easier but it lets other people see my work. I will do my best to answer all I can. I’m trying to get better at keeping up so thanks everyone for staying with me.

Your feedback will help in this and future works (and WiPs, I haven’t forgotten those!) Please do not just put ‘more’. I will block you.

I love you all immensely. Take care. 💖

You are summoned to the queen’s chambers shortly after your arrival. You come together with the other young ladies from courtyard in the corridor just before a set of painted doors. Within, Queen Margaret keeps court with her ladies, of whom you are to be one of. The thought alone has you devilishly unnerved. 

The guards in their livery greet you with dull eyes. The groom announces your purpose and receives little in return aside from the one soldier’s lazy reach to tap upon the door. He lifts the lever and eases a space between the wood. 

“Your highness, you’ve some ladies requesting an audience,” he drones through. 

There is some movement from within. A lady servant appears in her white cap and beckons you inward. You are further intimidated by the formality of it all. Marcia and Marigold rush ahead to be first and the three earls’ daughters from the White Plans take up their train. You glance over at Calliope and trail after her. 

The doors shut at your back and the lady maid retreats, her soles scuffing amid the murmur around you. You look around the skirts of the other debuts and see women in recline, others perched upon cushions and stools, all at leisure with needle, book, or frame. There is another at the window, sat between two ladies on the bench, the late afternoon breeze stirring the long waves that hang around her face, the rest of her chestnut hair twisted up behind her hood.  

The lady maid stands at the wall in deference, “your highness.” 

The brunette raises her chin and her eyes narrow at the lot of you. You can barely see much past the shoulders of the twins and the other ladies clustered closely in shared apprehension. Still, the twins stand tall and the other ladies hardly seem as wrought as you in the ceremony of it all. 

“The twins of...Mawsley, is it?” The queen declares, “yes, your father proved himself a valuable asset, didn’t he?” 

“Your highness,” the twins recite in unison and bow, “Marcia,” the first introduces herself, “Marigold, the second adds. 

“How keen,” the queen chimes, “you look as the same person. How amusing.” 

“Thank you, your highness,” the sisters chirp. 

“And those gowns, wonderful. I may have to ask after your tailor,” Queen Margaret preens, “and where is the Countess’ daughter? I recall I met you once when you were still a child.” 

Calliope steps dutifully, “my mother sends her regards.” 

“Oh, yes, that poor widow,” the queen bemoans, “she is ever steadfast despite her plight.” She takes pause as you sway to see her, “and the rest of you, forgive me, these last days have been a whirlwind and I’ve heard an endless slew of names one after another. 

“Lady Selene,” the very lady proclaims. 

“Lady Ameri,” she bows in quick succession. 

“Lady Dorida,” the last shows her courtesy in an elegant bend. 

As you come forward, the twins push their arms together as if to block you out with their sleeves. You sidle side to side and sweep around their skirts with an ungraceful stumble, “your highness,” you greet as if you have something stuck in your throat. You swallow before you can muster your own name and title. 

“Woodsdam,” the queen tilts her head and looks from the lady at her left shoulder to the one on her right, “I’ve never heard of it.” 

“Neither have I,” the leftmost agrees. 

“Farmland,” the right says. 

“Yes, your highness, my father is a farmer, but an earl as well,” you supply. 

“Mm,” the queen looks down her nose as her lips thin, “it appears the Woodsdam style is much... defined. I don’t think I’ve seen that style gown since my grandmother was still on earth.” 

You look down at your modest cotton. The square cut of your bodice is much different than the other ladies’ rounded collars. Your mother crafted the dress from pieces and the seams are tidy, yet it does lack a similar flair to the others around the chamber. You raise your eyes and keep your composure as best you can. 

“Many thanks, your highness.” 

The queen scoffs, “quaint, indeed.” She sits straighter though her posture is already unyieldingly staunch, “ladies, please acquaint yourself. And be certain to pay heed to these ladies who know well the ways of court. For all that’s changed in these past years, we will retain as ever our elegance and our etiquette.” 

You peer around, uncertain what comes next. A lady stands and calls to Calliope, “Lady, it is me, Gwendolyn, of the Spades. Near Clovers, you will know it?” 

Calliope accepts the initiation and there is a swift storm of voices swirling around the lot of you. You flutter hopefully that someone might think of Woodsdam or might’ve been to the waterfall near Aquil, not far from your father’s hold. The twins confer still with the queen and her ladies, trilling and giggling, as Serena and Dorida marvel over another ladies’ sewing frame, and Ameri is overly familiar with a lady swollen with child. 

You drift away from the centre of the chamber, trying not to draw unwarranted attention. It would do little for any to note your insignificance. You’ve all to soon faded into obscurity. No one cares for a farmer’s daughter. 

“Eh, do you read?” The question startles you and has you spinning to face its speaker. She looks as she sounds; squawkish. Birdlike. Her blond waves are woven with strands of silver and her hooked nose is not unbecoming. 

“Yes, lady, I do,” you answer, uncertain if she is genuine or she means it as jab. 

“Have you read Corswin? He wrote a fair tale about a shepherdess.” 

“I’ve not heard of him,” you recover your confidence at her interest. It is clear she humours you, that she is speaking to only keep you from floundering. 

“I must lend you a book or two,” she insists, “come sit with me. These old hens grow tiresome.” 

“Many thanks, my lady,” you accept and claim the stool next to her, shifting it closer. 

“Sarah,” she gives her name, “Woodsdam. I’ve never been. I hate the swamps.” 

“Oh,” you nod, “yes, it isn’t very swampy. Only in the rainy seasons but we get the sun.” 

“Mm, still, I’ve been down Ashton and I hated the place. My horses caught some sickness there,” she gripes, “perhaps though, your home is more pleasant. A woman old as me, though, I don’t venture far as it is.” She tuts and taps her oval nails on the book in her lap, “if my son wasn’t so foolish as to take up his sword, I’d still be in my library, hidden away from these chits.” 

You clasp your hands together and smile. She’s amicable and you wouldn’t want to bother too much. She flutters the pages of her book and huffs. You look around, sensing some intrigue from the other ladies though they do their best not to let their flitting eyes be caught. 

“All these birds know how to do is cloister themselves up like nuns,” she bemoans, “I’d as soon be out in the sunlight. If I were home, I’d be in my courtyard with a better book than this,” she wags the volume in agitation, “and you, lady? What is it you do on the farmstead? Chase hens?” 

“We have geese,” you say, “though they aren’t truly kept. They sort’ve linger around. And some cattle.” 

“It does sound rather bucolic, this must be all so drab to you, castle walls and dusty tapestries.” 

“Oh, it’s all so wonderful,” you expound. 

“It is?” She drawls tritely, “aren’t these ladies of ours so polite? The way they whisper about our hems and our titles. Don’t let yourself be fooled, though I suppose that should be as good a warning against myself. Ladies of the court are like crows; the like shiny things and the hold grudges, and sometimes, they needn’t even a reason to peck your eyes out.” 

You close your lips and swallow. Her tidings only underline the unwelcome forged in the queen’s introduction. All you might forgive is at least she seems genuine in her girding. You look down at your skirts and run your fingers down a crease. 

“The dress is not so hideous,” she assures gently, “some of the ladies do forget we did just fight a war. There are those without silks and without food in their bellies. They should weigh their fortune that they are still alive and well.” 

Your eyes meet and she looks a little less stony. She turns her head to the window and her gaze drifts into the distance. You follow them with a sense of solemnity. Again, you snare a few glances from the others. Many men died, women and children too. It wouldn’t do to care so much for what people think of your wardrobe. 

👑

Your first day at the castle ends in a fine supper of freshly baked bread, beef with gravy, and seasoned scallions, onions, and sweet herbs. It is not so hearty as your mother’s stew which you share as often with the servants nor so delicious. It’s a different sort of taste but not unpleasant. 

You retire at the queen’s behest. She declares she must see to her husband and several of the other ladies claim the same of their own. You rise and wait courteously to tail after other ladies, not wanting to get underfoot as you so often did on the farm. As you stand aside, Lady Sarah swats you with her book. 

Skirts swish against the rows of chairs and benches that line the long table. The dining chamber is set with the portrait of peregrine and similarly hawkish depictions woven into tapestry and tablecloth alike. Despite the uniform decor, the furniture is mismatched and the hews of wood and metal alternate with each piece. 

“Don’t fear the stampede, little calf, run with it,” she chides, “ah, I’ve decades upon these sows and they plod like heifers.” 

He uncouth words draw your surprise. She laughs at the look you send her and waves you off with the hardcover. She shoulders past you without pause. 

“One day you will see, it is better to speak the truth than let it shred up your soul,” she tosses over her shoulder. “Ah, naivete, how entertaining you are.” 

Her voice carries and you notice how the other women shy away from her. There’s a glint of deference to the tilt in their chins as they part for her like a like drawn in the sand with a stick. You wonder how she can be so bold and why the other might tolerate it. As Queen Margaret girded, you are to maintain propriety. Sarah seems to carry the same manners as any farmhand you’d known. 

You hurry to meet Calliope near the door as she departs. She seems the tamest of the lot thus far. Sharp-witted but not needlessly cruel. She turns her head slightly in acknowledgement of your presence. 

“There you are,” she mutters. 

“Did you enjoy the afternoon?” You ask brightly. 

“Enjoy? I tempered it,” she retorts, “I’ve the measure of most ladies.” 

“The measure? They were all quite friendly.” 

“You are too friendly,” she admonishes, “this is court, you cannot be so simple. Each lady is attached to a lord, thus they work upon his purposes. Her ears are always listening, eyes always seeing.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“You represent your father and though mine may be in the ground, I carry his mantle all the same. We are our houses, not ourselves here,” she keeps her voice low and slows markedly to keep away from the others, “you should count yourself fortunate for my wise counsel, lady, for no other would give it.” 

You chew on her words, tasting their bitterness, “so why do you, Lady Calliope?” 

“For I despise those twins and I know they aren’t so keen on you,” she sighs, “and I saw you as any other did with the dowager.” 

“The dowager?” You echo. 

“The king’s mother, Lady Sarah,” she sends you a sharp look, “don’t tell me you didn’t realise?” 

“Oh? No? She spoke of books and her gardens, she didn’t mention...” you peter off and snap your mouth shut. But she had, she did say her son ran off to war. “Oh!” 

“Oh! Indeed,” Calliope mocks and shakes her head. “Look, I’ve not the patience for these women, but you’re not so bad. You don’t speak without meaning. Shall we be companions?” 

“Pardon?” You let your surprise bleed through. 

“I need at least one person I might stomach, how about you? I don’t think the others are so eager to be friends. Marcia did say how you look like a peasant.” 

“She did?” You frown. 

“Hm, you need me,” she insists, “you can’t let yourself be so whimsical. Never mind what they say or think. What do they care so much for anyhow? They are a duke’s daughters, they will do well enough.” 

You carry on next to her. You feel as if you’re being pulled in all different directions though all tell you just the same. Be wary 

[all-pacas]

#he's good in a crisis ok#and a dumb whore everywhere else

I'm the anon that asked why you think Chase is generally stupid,except for some talents. Can you talk why do you think he's a dumb person with a single talent,instead of a generally smart person who lacks common sense at times?

I mean, the short version is I’m joking. Just like when I call Cameron insufferable. The show itself likes to call Chase a Dumb Whore.

But the fact of the matter is that Chase isn’t stupid. House doesn’t hire idiots, even if he calls his employees stupid roughly twice a week. We see in S4 that he will fire someone immediately (CIA chick) if they can’t pull their weight; Chase does.

He does, in show, have a bit of a reputation for being dumb and lazy, and I think both have their… moments? Lazy is easier to prove: Chase tends to be quieter in differentials than Cameron and Foreman. He’s the least likely to argue his points or insist he’s right. Time and time again, he also shows he’s a bit apathetic: in Safe he and Cameron discuss the teenage patient’s boyfriend. They need to test his sperm, and Cameron worries that they should tell the parents, who will not be pleased. Chase shrugs it off. They’ll find out when they get billed for the test. Cameron asks if he’s really okay with them finding out like that; he doesn’t even hesitate before confirming “pretty much.” He prefers to take the easier path.

The dumb is a little more… meta-textual, let’s say. First of all, Chase is an intensivist. Foreman and Cameron are top level experts in their fields of disease. Foreman always thinking neurological is practically a running joke; I’m not sure if fandom has pinged on the fact that Lupus is a running joke because Cameron keeps suggesting it, because she’s an immunologist. They both tend to brainstorm in their specialties, they know a lot of very specific illness and disease stuff for them. Same with House: he has a double specialty in infectious disease and kidney stuff. Chase doesn’t have that kind of background. He’s not an expert in any body part or type of sickness. He’s… good at keeping people alive. And that is not easy, and we see time and again that he’s really good at it. But he doesn’t have that same kind of knowledge specialty, and so in differentials he… contributes, for sure, but he doesn’t have the “it must be lupus!” “it must be neurological!” thing. House also doesn’t defer to him as much — House recognizes Foreman knows more about Brain Stuff than he does, so when it’s a brain thing, Foreman is expected to know. Chase doesn’t have that kind of niche, so he comes off as a little less… brainstorm-y. Cerebral.

There’s also moments here and there in the show where they outright joke or imply he’s a little dim. There’s the “dumb whore” bit and him choosing password as his password. Way back in episode two of the show, he’s doing a crossword puzzle with a medical clue and can’t figure it out; Foreman does instantly. We know about Foreman and Cameron’s very prestigious CV and schooling history (he went to one of the top schools in the US and had perfect grades; she interned at the mayo clinic). All we know about Chase until S7 is that his dad, apparently, got him the job. Also, because Chase is the dedicated Keep ‘Em Alive Guy, there’s a whole bunch of episodes where, say, Foreman and Cameron are trying to figure stuff out or searching the home while Chase is busily working on the patient, so he seems to do “less” than the other two. This is probably where the “Chase screwed up” running theme comes from too: he cuts people open more than the other two, so if there’s a physical procedure (and potential mistake), it’s him and not Cameron who probably made it.

But that all said, all jokes aside, I don’t think he’s dumb. I mean — he’s dumb, but he’s not stupid. He might not be a disease or organ specialist like the others, but he still is able to keep up. He’s very good at keeping people alive. He also has a real penchant for out of the box thinking and creativity that bumps his Solve Rate up higher than any of the other fellows. As early as the Pilot he’s able to come up with a creative solution to prove the patient has Ham Worms. He’s shown plenty of times that he is incredibly good at reading people; he’s a good manipulator and lowkey House’s default “schemes guy” in early seasons, when he needs to trick a patient (or scam money out of the S4 betting pools and Kutner). He’s able to completely see through House and Foreman multiple times; House even goes so far as to say it’s why Chase was hired.

I think if anything it’s laziness that’s Chase’s biggest issue. He’s shown plenty of times he can be brilliant and is observant and creative, he just rarely bothers or cares enough to try. He’s… kind of a spoiled rich kid. He doesn’t have to work hard for things, so he doesn’t. He’s passive and more than a little spineless, and finds it easier to go along than assert himself in early seasons. He might not be dumb, but people see him that way, and I really don’t think he minds. Because it’s easier, and because he doesn’t really care what Foreman (or whoever) thinks. The rare times he does go all out tend to be exceptions: he works his ass off to prove his father wrong in S1, and Treiber in S8, because he’s mad more than because he’s that worried about the case. He figures out the same thing as House in Control, why the patient is really sick, but only because he’s afraid he’s about to be fired. He’s lazy. He works well under pressure.

I’m going to be super pretentious here, but when I was younger I read the short story “A Good Man is Hard To Find.” The main character is a deeply unpleasant and vain older woman. When her life is threatened, however, she becomes desperate and kind and empathetic. One of the last lines is another character’s musing (and I've thought about this line nearly every day of my life since): 

"She would of been a good woman," The Misfit said, "if it had been somebody there to shoot her every minute of her life."

In a way, that’s Chase. He does great when he’s sufficiently motivated; it’s just that most of the time, he’s only motivated for personal reasons.

But he’s not stupid.

[mychoombatheroomba]

I'll Be Missing You

Between the Bones (Leon x GN! Reader) - Chapter 44

Leon writes his letter to Sherry and you both continue to heal in different ways.

(Cross-posted from Ao3)

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Chapter Index

He finished the letter just before lights out. You helped, even if you insisted that it hadn’t been much. 

It helps to have someone listen to it, Leon had insisted, reading you the words he’d written and rewritten until at last he was satisfied. You’d done your best to point out what you thought Reed and Hellman would want more vague explanations about, suggesting how to phrase some things. Otherwise, your supportive expression and quiet nods were enough. 

The letter, though . . . that would never be enough. It would never convey all that Leon wished to say, or all of his regrets. It would never right the wrongs that began that night in Raccoon City. 

It was a start, though. 

Sherry,

I will never be able to apologize enough for not writing back to you sooner. I’m sorry, I promise if I could have, I would have. 

I am okay. I can’t tell you everything, but just know that I’m okay, and I’m so glad to hear that you are too! I’m so glad that you’re feeling better! Told you that you would! You’re a regular Supergirl! I know it’s frustrating, not being able to go back to school. Just keep studying. It’ll be easier when they let you go back that way! I know I probably sound like a boring old fart, but it’s true! 

And hey, tell you what? I don’t want you missing out on all the fun. Go ahead and watch Star Wars without me! You can write back to me and tell me all about what you thought, if you want! In fact, that’s my mission for you! Watch as many movies as you can! Read as many books, and just have as much fun as you can! I want to hear all about it! 

I wish I could tell you what I’ve been doing these past few months or tell you about the people I’ve met. I wish I could have written to you sooner. I wish a lot of things.  Just know that I’m going to be trying to keep people safe, just like Claire did for you. And know that I didn’t forget you. Never could. I don’t know when I’ll be able to visit you. Someday soon, I hope. Until then, please keep writing to me. I’ll write you back every time, I promise!

Don’t get into too much trouble, okay? 

But even if you do, I know you’re smart enough to get out of it. Just stay safe, okay? Talk to you more soon, hopefully! 

I miss you too.

- Leon

It wasn’t perfect, but you nodded your approval as he finished reading it aloud all the same. “I think that’s good.” 

“Not too much?” Leon asked, eyes betraying his worry. 

“I’m not exactly an expert on writing letters.” 

Leon could sympathize. “Neither am I. Obviously.” He couldn’t remember the last time he’d written home because . . . well, there was really no home to write to. He’d wondered if that was the same for you, but there had been enough painful memories resurrected that day. He wouldn’t ask. Maybe you’d tell him eventually, but the two of you had given the fallen their due deference. It was their day, after all, but now, Leon wanted to think of the living. 

He wanted to think of just how lucky the two of you were to have survived all that you did, because he’d come so close to never knowing you at all. He’d nearly lived in a world without you - something that in just a few months had become unthinkable to him. 

The thought of leaving you in a few weeks was painful enough in his heart. When this had all begun, he’d never entertained the possibility that he’d finish his training before you. You’d been here longer. Trained harder. You were the best and then . . . well, you both knew how easily disaster could befall you and change everything, didn’t you? He didn’t want to leave you behind. Not now. Not after all that the two of you had shared, and all that he wanted to share with you still. But he couldn’t heal the broken bones in your side any faster. All he could do was try and remind you that he was out there. That he would think of you every day. 

“I can write to you,” he offered. “When I . . .” he didn’t even want to say it, just as you didn’t want to think about it. Leon saw your expression fall, something in your eyes going a little distant. You were worried. He could see it. He would be worried too, he supposed. But maybe if he wrote to you . . . 

You didn’t say anything, at first, just listening to the ever-playing radio. 

“I mean, if you want-”

You didn’t give Leon’s doubt time to grow, and he was grateful for that. “I do.” Your answer was simple and straightforward, as it always was. 

And as always, it made Leon smile. “I will, then.” 

“You’d better.” There was something in your voice. Strained. Brittle. Ready to break. Your voice had sounded like that throughout your entire tale of what happened that night in Finland. Then, as now, you hadn’t been able to look Leon in the eye as you spoke. 

So, he reached for your hand, his brow furrowing as the skin to skin contact made your nostrils flare and your lips purse. Like you were resetting the mask you wore. If that was what you needed right now, even if it hurt to see, Leon understood. That still didn’t stop him from holding your hand, even if for just a few moments of silence. 

Moments that ended when you spoke, your voice soft. “And you’d better be careful, too,” you finally said, and the desperation of your words . . . it gave Leon pause because he’d never heard you like that before. 

He knew exactly why you were making that demand of him now, too. He knew it was because the memories of those you’d lost weighed on you still, because you cared for him. 

Because you didn’t want his to be a story you told and mourned in a year. 

“I will be,” he agreed, but when you finally turned to him, he knew that his words weren’t enough. 

“You have to be-”

Your name slipped from his lips, and he leaned in, his free hand finding your cheek. Making you look into his eyes fully so you would know the sincerity of his promise. “I will be.” Because he wouldn’t leave you alone. He would come back to you, he could feel it in his bones. Whatever other fears he held, he couldn’t let you be another unwalked path, another what if in his life. Another joy taken from him. You wouldn’t lose each other, he would make sure of it. 

You would be different. 

“You’re not getting rid of me that easy,” he told you, and he could see you fight tooth and nail for even the tiniest of smiles to form. And when he still saw doubt in your eyes, he leaned in further. You always were someone who preferred action to words, anyway. 

The kiss didn’t last as long as he’d like, but it, like his letter, was a start. A promise. 

You searched his eyes when you separated, and Leon felt such a beautiful pain in looking at you, because he knew now what you’d been through. He knew what you’d lost, he knew what you feared to lose. And he knew exactly why you asked your next question. 

“How can you believe that so easily?” 

Honestly, Leon didn’t know. He had expected only death and pain in his future when he’d been forced to join STRATCOM. He went to sleep every night fearing that he’d relive Raccoon City, and now he was a few weeks away from facing it down in his waking hours too. He had prepared himself for that. What he hadn’t prepared for was you. Your presence and the friendships he’d forged despite the odds . . . if he could find something good in this hell, then maybe not everything was lost. “Not saying it’s easy to believe,” he grinned, “but I do anyway.” 

You scoffed a laugh at that, shaking your head but not moving away. “I hope you’re right, then.” 

“So do I.” He had to be. 

Because the world owed you both that much. It owed you the chance to heal, even if only a little. It may not give you much of one, but . . . well, if it was a lifetime of dressing each other’s wounds, of putting each other back together . . . then maybe he could find it in him to face what was to come. 

Maybe he could have hope again. 

⧫⧫⧫

“You’re looking better.” 

You tried not to frown at the words, because, encouraging as they were, “better” wasn’t healed. It didn’t mean you were back in fighting shape. You still had several weeks before that was the case. Still, after the weeks of rest you’d already endured, it at least was starting to hurt less to breathe. That was something. Seeing the x-rays of your slowly healing ribs was something of a comfort too. To you, to Doc, and to Krauser, who stood with his arms crossed, leaning against a wall on the far side of the room. 

“Should be on track if you keep the rest up like you have been,” Doc told you, though you knew the report was for the Major as well. 

Krauser had been . . . well, he’d been quiet these last few weeks. Since Memorial Day, really. You’d seen him mostly at night when the two of you set up for the next morning’s lessons, but even then, there hadn’t been many words exchanged between the two of you. A few months ago, that wouldn’t have bothered you. Now, though . . . well, things were changing, weren’t they? 

“I’d still give it a while,” the Doc went on, “but you should be okay to move a bit more in two weeks, give or take.” Two weeks and then you could start training again fully. That meant four before Leon’s graduation . . . 

“Good,” Krauser cut in, his voice curt as it had been the few times he’d really spoken to you these last few days. “Then I want you with the new recruits in melee drills. No fighting, but you’re going to be giving notes. Watching their technique.” 

Your brows furrowed as you looked towards the Major, and you were hit with a feeling of deja vu. And a feeling of confusion, because when Krauser had pulled you in to spar with Leon’s old squad, he’d done it to get you more practice. Watching people fight wasn’t useless in developing skills, you knew, but so much of the extra help you’d given Leon had been because you could physically cross blades with him - him and the rest. If you couldn’t actually fight, though . . . “Not sure how much help I’ll be to you if I can’t demonstrate.” 

“Not me you’re going to be helping,” Krauser corrected, somehow sounding more displeased than he already had been recently. “Reed and the other instructors are taking over their combat drills for the time being.” 

And just like that, you were pissed off too. 

“What?” Your voice took on a tone of incredulity, your focus completely turning away from the Doc because the sheer notion of Krauser not being the main instructor-

The Major’s frown didn’t lessen, but he shook his head and clarified all the same. “Just for the new blood. Hellman and I have things to set up, so we needed to reallocate responsibilities.” He pursed his lips together, then his chest rose as he took a breath. “I need someone watching to make sure he’s not teaching them bullshit.” 

Because he didn’t trust Reed. 

You couldn’t blame Krauser for that. You sure as hell didn’t trust the agent either. You wouldn’t even agree to help that bastard in any way if it weren’t Krauser asking - if you didn’t know that he had his reasons. As it was, however quiet the Major had been with you these last few days, this set your mind at ease because if he didn’t trust Reed, this request proved that he did trust you. So, there was only one answer you could give. “I’ll do what I can.” 

Krauser nodded, his expression that had been so stormy as of late calming just a touch. A moment, that’s all it was, and then the Major pushed off from the wall, his expression resetting once more. “Good,” he said simply, and was about to show himself out when the door opened in front of him. 

Someone you didn’t know stepped in - a man about your age, his face drawn in an expression of pain and one hand wrapped around his wrist. One of the more recent recruits, you realized. His eyes widened though, as soon as he caught sight of Krauser standing in front of him. “Major! Sir! Sorry. I was told to have the Doc look at-” 

“Then what are you wasting time talking to me for?” Krauser deadpanned before stepping aside, making way for the young soldier to scurry past. 

He’d taken a bad fall from the obstacle course, he explained. It didn’t take long for the Doc to have a rudimentary diagnosis. “Probably a sprain,” he informed the soldier, then looked your way, finding you ready and waiting. “You know what to do?” 

“Ice it and wrap it,” you answered, already moving towards the door. 

Once there, Krauser stopped you with a raise of his pale brow. “Been playing medic, too?” He said it like he almost couldn’t believe it of you. A few months ago, you wouldn’t have, either. 

“You told me to make myself useful,” you shrugged, glad that you could pull off that small movement without being in agony, now. 

By the smile Krauser gave you, you could tell that he was glad too. “Well then get to it.” 

You surprised yourself by giving him a smile back. “Yes, sir.” 

He was gone by the time you returned, allowing you and the Doc to wrap the recruit’s wrist in peace. Your work was observed and approved of with a nod . . . and a surprise when evening fell. 

You’d never thought that half of a homemade sandwich would look so good. 

The Doc looked more than a little amused as he handed it to you, no doubt because of the surprise on your face. “Fair payment for fair work,” he told you. “But not a word of this to anyone. Can’t have people thinking I’m running a deli out of the med bay.” 

You nodded, taking the first homemade meal you’d had in . . . well, maybe in years, with an eagerness you hadn’t expected. “Wouldn’t dream of it, Doc.” 

You already had your fair share of secrets to keep, after all. What was one more? 

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

Chapter Index

A/N: Sorry for the delay! Took a little break from tumblr, but I'll be updating regularly again! Also, we're almost caught up to ao3 now! Anyone reading and enjoying this deserves a medal for putting up with how long this shit is XD But seriously, I so so appreciate anyone reading this story, I have loved writing it, I hope you all have loved reading it!

[mono-black-menace]

this is not a kink post

girls (me) who spent their lives shoving aside their boundaries and their wants and their needs and their fears and just all of their feelings to please the people around them because they know that if they don't they'll be all alone, and they start to sexualise being raped because they push down their own feelings so much that they have sex with people they don't want to have sex with just because any company is good company when you feel like you don't have a choice in the matter.

i fetishise being mindless and being a toy and being raped and being used and power over me and all of this shit because i'm so used to doing sexual shit that i don't want to do because im scared of being alone that sexualising my lack of desire for it makes it easier to push my feelings down, it makes it easier for me to sacrifice myself for others.

it makes me more palatable. it makes me less likely to be alone.

rape and physical violence and being drugged and restrained and even killed are all sexualisation of my biggest flaw;

i don't consider myself worth prioritising.

i'm scared that if i don't bend to the needs of everyone around me, that i'll end up alone, because i don't see myself worthy of genuine love.

i just keep chopping off bits of myself leaving myself less and less happy with each relationship, and at some point i realise that i hate my entire life and i don't even know why.

i left my wants and needs and fears and dislikes and everything behind so long ago that all i feel is the ache of ripping them out of myself.

and i look at my relationships like.

what am i doing? am i sacrificing myself for them? would they do the same for me?

who am i anymore?

what do i like? what do i want?

is every fantasy of mine just a sexualisation of my self-hatred?

am i so lonely, so sure that i'll never be loved that ill put up with sexual relationships i don't want, sexualise the fact that i don't want them, let go of myself, form my entire identity around my relationship with them and what they want me to be?

what am i?

why does it feel so selfish, so cruel to deny sex to others? it's my body!

why does it feel so selfish to not always be able to be the shoulder to cry on?

why does it feel selfish to want anything for myself?

why would i rather put myself through this, and sexualise the pain im going through, than stand up for myself?

is bad company really better than being alone?

is it worth the cost?

and now i'm in a situation, the safest i've ever been.

loved. cared for.

and i feel like if im not constantly sacrificing myself it'll go away.

my needs are wrong, and if i can't let go of them, it's because im a horrible person, so why not embrace it? why not be horrible?

i need to be there for everyone, i need to grab hold of them and let them know they're loved, and if im not able to, because of emotional issues, then im a horrible person.

i need to have sexual relationships with people, because why else would someone be my friend? at least if i send them nudes or suck their dick or something they'll put up with me talking about things i enjoy. at least they'll hold me when i cry. they'll feel obligated. it's payment. sex for conversation. sex for a shoulder.

i have to defer to people because if i need anything, ill be abandoned.

if i need, people will be mad at me, and ill remember how worthless i am.

at least if i have sex with people i'll have a use.

at least if i show my body to people who ask, i'll have a use.

and if i have a use maybe one or two of my needs will be met.

it's better than being alone.

it's better because i'm getting company, but i'm not being selfish about it.

why would anyone want to be around ME? what is there in ME?

it's a chore to be around ME. i'm not worth the attention. i'm not worth the love.

that's why i have to be sexually available. that's why when i stop being available sexually everyone leaves.

it's because i'm not worth more than that.

and because of that, wanting someone's company is a crime.

i need to pay for it.

sacrifice bits of myself for it.

ache for it.

i can't approach them first, that's selfish.

but then they only come to me for sex.

but isn't that the whole thing? if they only come to me for sex, it means my payment isn't enough for what i'm asking for.

if they don't care about me until they're horny, then i should listen. maybe they just need more payment.

maybe we can pretend i'm being kidnapped.

maybe they can get me intoxicated first.

maybe i can pretend it's all roleplay.

maybe the hurting is part of the roleplay.

maybe they can beat me.

maybe they can hold a knife to my throat

maybe they can cut me. maybe they can choke me. maybe they can humiliate me. maybe they can degrade me, beat me down, maybe if we make it kinky maybe if we just keep adding more and more on top it'll stop hurting.

maybe sex just hurts now.

maybe i can only cum if i'm being choked or bitten or slapped around or called worthless or drugged or tied up is because i can't think about sex as something i enjoy anymore.

maybe it's something i do to make other people happy.

maybe that's why i get so horny when im upset.

when i dare to have emotions, dare to have needs, i want to show that i can pay it back, i can fuck you, please don't leave me.

look, i'll suck your cock, please don't be mad at me for crying.

please don't go, i'll let you choke me, please.

please please please please please.

i don't want to be alone you can do anything you want.

i don't need anything please don't leave me.

there's nothing left of me but you, please don't leave me.

all i want is to make you happy.

please don't leave me.

i don't know who i am anymore.

please don't leave me.

ill let you choke me until i pass out this time

please don't leave me.

i'm sorry i can't cum.

please don't leave me.

i'm sorry sex hurts me.

please don't leave me.

please.

i'm a good toy a good girl i'm a good pet.

i don't have wants or needs.

i don't have thoughts or emotions.

my life revolves around you.

please don't leave me.

we can have sex whenever you want. i'll try not to cry. i'll try not to hesitate. i'll try to be good. i can do it, i swear.

please don't leave me.

[eolewyn1010]

For the AU Ask Game: Super Hero AU for a fandom of your choice.

Belatedly! Five fun facts for a Super Hero AU of Tatort Stuttgart:

Nika literally can do a dozen things at once - without her ability to duplicate, the whole team would have collapsed long ago. And it's her choice to mainly use her powers to keep things running and organized; she has been part of the action a few times, but feels she's most effective at her office job. So if in this version Thorsten has one of his arrogant moments towards her as he sometimes had in the earlier episodes, he has to deal with the glares of several deeply implacable Nikas who know her value and are completely unwilling to defer to him.

Basti's and Julia's divorce happens way earlier and way more amicably. Having a husband that can ignore the laws of space to hunt criminals has been interesting, but it's also made the whole living-dangerously thing way more pressing, and with two children who may or may not yet turn out to be supers as well, Julia is too overtaxed to also start an affair on the side and simply tells Basti what's up: It's too much for her, this marriage thing doesn't work. She'd rather be a divorcee than a widow.

The former hasn't made Basti's and Thorsten's relationship a whole lot easier though. It's impossible to lie to Thorsten or even hide anything from him, which means Basti doesn't have any chance to disclose his feelings on his own time, and it's frankly frustrating. Basti is like: "Telepath etiquette, anyone??" And Thorsten is like: "We work together; it's a very good thing that I'm tuned to your thoughts! Why would you hide anything from me in the first place?" At which point Basti compares him to a surveillance state; it's a whole thing.

Thorsten's telepathy thing is also causing Frau Alvarez many problems - technically, a lot of intel Thorsten is privy to falls under unlawfully acquired information. So she gives him what for if the best he can offer is "I heard it in their thoughts". Thorsten and Basti sometimes quip that Alvarez also "has her ways" to acquire information, claiming she's able to supernaturally charm people into confessions, but the thing is: Alvarez is actually the Team Normal. Which most people on the outside don't know; they tend to think Nika's the normal one because, unless they do see several of her at once, she appears to be an unassuming jack-of-all-trades. The gorgeous, confident prosecutor who never loses a case, not a super? ...Yeah. She just is that cool.

Basti still crashes into a bit of a crisis via Maja's abduction, but 1st, the whole deal of Thorsten calling in the police when Basti asks him not to doesn't happen - it's the ultimate test of trust for them, and Thorsten does the complete opposite of canon in that he goes on one of his solo runs and tracks down Maja's kidnappers telepathically (and ends up as a hostage, pulling the plots of Preis des Lebens and Im gelobten Land into one). And 2nd, afterwards, it quickly becomes clear that substance abuse is really not an option if that means your portal-hopping goes haywire. So Basti actually has to deal with his shit. Granted, it's a bit easier when he's pissed at Thorsten not for betraying his trust, but just for getting himself into danger again. Business as usual, amirite?

If that sounds like I would use just about any excuse to kick canon events more into a shape I like? Yes. That's exactly what it is. I also think Thorsten angsting about how he's carrying the burden of the world is easy to justify when he can hear and feel all the world's thoughts around him.

[sanitytomychaos]

So as I’m taking a brake from playing BG3… a thought came to mind

What was are Dark Urge like before the betrayal of there sister? What made them the apple of their fathers eye and why did Gortash like you more than they tolerate Orin?

So me being me I looked up Bhaal and read a little about him.

About dear old Pa….

He’s a neutral evil god. (In 5e)

He’s Lawful evil in BG3

He’s the god murder in BG3

He was a god murder and the hunt (amung other things in D&D)

He’s was that guy in D&D that wanted to murder everything so THE MURDER HOBO

He was petty Because he lost to Bane and a Merkel, and therefore he had to be the god of murder.

From what ever art I’ve seen of him, we did not get are looks from him at all.

He also impregnated many woman as well to carry his seed. So that’s why You and Orin are half siblings (sisters in my case) and then I learned they were wiped out… well clearly the missed some here. So it’s either we are really flipping old.

(Wait does this mean we are demigods???????)

Anyway you were described as the perfect one… why ? Was it because you were not as unhinged as your sister? The one who took pleasure in murdering her victims in a chaotic insanity?

And are you the one that just enjoys the hunt that leads to your murder? And you’re not as unhinged as your sister hens why is easier to talk to you and have a conversation, and not blurt out you want to murder the person who you’re talking to.

You to your father.

Du (calling her Posie, cuz putting Durge is weird…) she was his fine crafted tool, she was perfect one, she didn’t complain and did her work. She was the “point and kill with out questions asked”

She was devoted and not crazy. No crazy makes you miss all the fine detailed of your kill. Makes you miss and appreciate the murder. How it was done, why it was done.

And you know why it was done, and it brakes you. That’s why you are the favorite he wants you to suffer as you do the deed so you know, each soul you take will haunt you and curse and scream your name.

But he forsakes you once your mind is corrupted by the Tav pole, his voice isn’t there any more to keep constantly whispering. The butler is his way of trying to get Posie back. This is the only way he can help to get his daughter back. To give you gifts and rebuild you.

And since you were “perfect” before. The fall you didn’t need the butler…

But never answer your questions.

That’s what I think…

BEFORE EVERYTHING

Relationship with Orin..

I wanna think Posie (okay pocket we get it she’s the Du) and Orin were sisters ( well duh pocket) .

Posie tried to be good sister to Orin, cuz she wanted a family or have some sort of family, but Orin made it very had to do so. They were two deferent sides of the same coin.

But there were small moments? Like Orin would listen to Posie as she reads something out loud. And then listen to Posies questions on the “holy” scriptures to Bhaal as alot of it was hogwash.

“He wants blood in his name, nothing more or less. Just that”

Orin complains that Posie is not. Doing things right and she does the same to Orin.

Share a meal together…

( they are both cannables, only fact I will stay with in the game cannon the other stuff is…. I’m sorry I draw the line of necrophilia and incest tendencies, This game has no chill at all man).

It would be a “hey I turned this Drow into a roast what do you think? Too much garlic or its not enough sage?”

Yes full on Hannibal’s here with the cooking…of humanoid meats. There’s even a part in the game were you can eat said meats in the goblin camp and it heals you by a lot…

I can see Posie just be “Orin that hand was in piss, do not- “

“Orin do not put that in your mouth!”

Orin proceeds to eat the hand anyway because she gives no shits and she is chaos energy.

Posie doesn’t talk to Orin for the rest of the day or week Because that’s just vile even for a cannable like her….The rude ones get eaten only, or she stops because people are junk food and she was gaining some weight.

Orin makes fun of Posies name all the time “Sister dear you should change your name”

Posie refuses to do so as it’s the only thing that keeps her human. And reminds her “there are flowers that can grow from blood”

We have Orin “The Red” because blood and gore..

Posie Would have been “The flower of Bones” as when a body decays. Nature takes it for its own. And bones are forever?

Foreshadowing that Posie will be around even after death….(someone’s death! )

Durge had nothing, your Bhaalness awakens when you were a child and you murdered your foster parents.

(Great really make your Durge a tragic character why don’t you Larian. I love it!)

Orin had parents and Posie will forever resent Orin for that.

Orin was the one that betrayed you. I think when Posie gets to that part in the game. And just thinking about it now. With being more human than she ever was before and finaly fighting her father and wanting to be free of all the nightmares and the voices.

She would be heartbroken. Her sister took everything from her and Orin dosnt care, she was watching and waiting for her sister slip up, and she did slip up. She fell for the chosen of Bain.

Why? It could be a lot of things, bust mostly jealousy, why did someone like Posie get all the love and she got nothing? And even when Orin took Posies place she will always still be compared.

Orin and Durge will always be that Back staving jealous, sibling troop. You still get rid of the sibling you hated and wanted to be… but you’re forever compared to them and your forever and their shadow no matter how much you shine in your own, right. That’s Orin in my eyes…

About the DarkUrge…. Posie.

(It’s funny you get murdered or beaten up by an orc with a flower name)

Im doing a Monk play though with this character so really plays well with being the “perfect weapon”. Posie body is the weapon. Everything around her. Is a weapon so when she’s out doing something for Gortash she throws her victims in a false sense of security

“You fool you have nothing to kill me with!” They have a sword.

She then disarms arms then and used that sword agents then “You were saying?”

I’m also multi-classing as a Druid in there too (I love moon Druids) Because… sneaking in as a cat or bird undetected is just funny.

“Oh look a pretty kitty!”

Turns into a half Orc (need more orc love) then proceeds to murder. Then walks away with bloody paws or flys away as a raven…goes and cleans the filth off your paws or preens your feathers for the next 3 hours.

When she’s mad she will throw things. Books, spoons, chairs…people. Has Yeeted a victim in the Gray bay Because that woman was just- let the fish eat her.

Each murder is different and never the same twice back to back.

She doesn’t do senseless murders. That’s not her style. She wants them to mean something. Hens why this. Would make her the favorite.

Posie had more sanity in them than Orin did. You were able to carry out conversation and look like a completely normal person and not go batshit crazy when you were stalking your target.

(Looking at you Orin)

You were a hunter… a well sharpened You didn’t play with your kills- naaah, you like toying with them.

Or you just liked to strike when your pray was at a peaceful state of mind were they think they are safe but not. That’s when you liked to strike.

That’s what Bhaal loved the best…

I’ll have more, maybe just needed to get this out there

[welcome-to-oslov]

Alright, sorry to be your ask box penpal this week, but I'm just such an Oslov superfan & binge reading so I have too many thoughts to share 😂.

Last ones: I'm Brazilian but have lived in America half my life (15 years). Just got home to visit São Paulo and it's helping me understand Gersha and the other not-evil-but-complicit characters better. As you may know, we have extreme inequality in Brazilian society. São Paulo's an amazing city with tons of upper social class & rich powerful people. However our lifestyle as upper class people is dependent on there being a huge class of poor people locked out of opportunity with no choice but to learn deference and work as low-paid servants. For example, a live-in nanny who cares for children of well-off families like a second mother, while her own children go without mothering far away. Young people from the impoverished northeast brought to the big cities for "opportunity" that are really just exploitative domestic labor.

Many of us know this feels wrong... yet so many of my class hate politicians whose policies haved lifted many out of poverty - and suddenly the price of maids double and poor kids can get into the excellent universities only WE'd been able to attend. This felt like a threat to our very existence. Many of us performatively talk about social justice & how it's wrong that only WE have power & opportunity, but the few of our peers who actually do something about it do feel threatening.

Of course thankfully we don't have this institionalized crazy kettle boy system, and mistreated maids drivers etc can easily quit & find another shitty job no problem. But, those who are really trapped are a mistreated son or daughter children of an upper class family. Every well-off family has someone who holds all the money & power: a father, uncle, or grandfather. As upper class kids we are supported by our families till ~25 because even it's not possible to launch your young adult life without family money; due to social divisions, you can't go out & get a teen/college kid job like in America, your friends all live at home too you can't really go move with them, the best university is going to be in your home city, and even good entry-level grad jobs at corporations don't really start paying enough till you're older since they figure you're paying your dues while your family patriarch supports you. If that patriarch is or was abusing you, you wouldn't have many clear ways out.

So how does a guy or girl in a bad situation get out? You get married young (20, 21, 22, etc.). Once you're married you're considered an adult: your wealthy family buys you two a starter condo, jobs might give you a raise, etc. You can divorce later, but getting that spouse gives you protection & distance & resources. Ofc easier for a girl to take this route, but a guy too could get a rich daddy's girl he knows at their nice school to marry him & insist her father set them up with young married life if his family drags their feet (though generally even an abusive patriarch would play ball here & realize he's been beat, otherwise he looks bad socially). I've seen this scenario play out with a couple of friends.

Which... basically is Tilrey's escape. He realizes he has an opportunity in Gersha & he goes for it, out of desperation to escape, genuine relief at finding someone nice he can live with & be his ally as he breaks free, etc 😢🙏

(Speaking of Tilrey & Brazil, what do you think of my casting suggestion post?! Hahahaha :) I have such a crush, but c'mon, he's gorgeous!)

I'm here for your thoughts any time! And I know very little about Brazil, so that's a fascinating comparison! Especially the parts about family structure and how young upper-class people might need to marry to establish their independence. That reminds me of 18th- and 19th-century Europe, which was a big influence on Oslov because I've read a ton of novels from that period. Extreme inequality was a factor there, too, and patronage was the main way of advancing in society, which increases both corruption and the power of family elders. There are a lot of stories about people (always women) being trafficked and forced into sex work, but then turning that into a source of power because of their sheer beauty. Of course we have widening inequality in the U.S. too, and connections seem more and more important, and many people are resistant to any form of redistribution. So I wonder if we're headed in the same direction, which scares me. Especially since there are tech billionaires who would definitely justify that as "meritocracy."

He is totally gorgeous! :)

[2q5b]

BO

By Agnes

January 23rd, 2024

1.

And then darkness fell. The midrash tells us that there were in fact two periods of darkness. During the first darkness there was a gloom so thick no one could see each other, and during the second darkness the darkness became even thicker, so thick that no one could move. If you were standing when the darkness fell you remained standing. If you were sitting you remained sitting. If you were bending over your child, you remained bent over, if you were climbing up a ladder to change a light-bulb there you were balanced and immobile, atop the ladder.

I think they died, all of them. The Egyptians. Before the killing of the first borns, before the departure from Egypt. I think they died. I think they died the ninth plague, the plague of darkness. Because what is darkness, if not a kind of death? Those bodies frozen in place — in chairs, up ladders — it was a kind of rigor mortis. “כֻּלָּ֥נוּ מֵתִֽים,” they say. We are all dead.

2.

I think this Parsha is a parsha about love. And this is the breakup. It’s the end of a very long relationship. A four-hundred year relationship. This parsha tells the end of a love story in which the lovers got tangled up in each other. They had gotten to the point where they couldn’t understand themselves without the other. They didn’t know how to be alone. And so the relationship ended. This week’s parsha is the breakup. The awful, messy, devastating breakup.

We’ve all known people in what we might call toxic relationships. Call it co-dependence, call it enmeshment, call it a controlling attachment style. You can go to the concert with Tina and you can stay over at her place but I want you to text me, okay? Text me when you get there and text me when you leave and text me in the morning as soon as you get up and come right back home. And sometimes that feels like love. And sometimes you just wanna go to the concert with Tina.

But there are forms of entanglement, a blurring of self and other, that can happen in any kind of close relationship. We pull people close because it is scary to be alone.

When we love someone, our sense of who we are gets tied up in who that other person is. They are brave, say, and because of our intimacy with them we get to feel that we too have some of that bravery. Or they are tender, say, and because of our intimacy with them we get to have access to a certain kind of tenderness. But then — who are we, when they are gone?

I know I have been in relationships like this. Where I saw in someone certain qualities that I wished I had, and loving that person became a way of bringing those qualities into my life. A way that was a little easier than finding those qualities inside myself. In relationships like that you are asking someone else to make your identity for you. You turn them into a kind of servant, or slave. You are forcing them to build your pyramids.

This week I have been listening to Lou Reed sing Walk Alone.

When you walk, he sings, you know you're gonna walk alone.

And when you talk, and when you make love, and when you die, he sings, you’re gonna do it alone.

It’s not an easy truth.

Is this a way of reading these early books of Exodus? As a story in which which one people, Egypt, falls in love with another people, Israel? In which Egypt comes to dominate Israel because that feels like intimacy, and because difference is just too much to bear? In which the dominating people’s identity gets tangled up in the subordinated people’s identity? So much so that when it comes time for the subordinated people to leave, the dominating people are devastated. They spend six days in darkness and they die a kind of death.

3.

Let me try out another version of the story.

Pharaoh is a very lonely person. He’s very powerful. He controls a whole empire. Everyone comes to him with wishes, and needs, and deference, and fear. Who is such a person to love, and be loved by?

Who but God?

God, who is also very powerful. Who also gets approached with wishes and needs and deference and fear. God, who must also be terribly lonely.

And so Pharaoh falls in love with God. In fact, he feels — what luck! — he’s finally found a lover who understands him. When Pharaoh meets God he can’t get enough. He wants to text God all the time, he wants to talk for hours on the phone, he gets restless and moody whenever God is off doing other things on the weekend. Pharaoh feels, finally, understood. He feels like God is the first being to understand him. And it’s because they’re just so similar. They’re so similar, they’re almost like one being. It’s like I am God, thinks Pharaoh, and God is me.

And God maybe was open to a kind of a relationship with Pharaoh, but then it started to get so intense, and weird. And God started to feel like Pharaoh wasn’t actually talking to God, or listening, or seeing God. Pharaoh was relating to a projection, to a fantasy. And God would try to say something, like, hey, Pharaoh, we’re not exactly the same. Pharaoh would order the lamb vindaloo, because we love that, don’t we, God, and God would get quiet and order the aloo gobi, just to make a point.

And Pharaoh can feel God pulling away. And it only makes him panic. It makes him cling harder. It muffles his hearing and blurs his vision. It hardens his heart. This thing he calls love which is actually a fear of being alone. A fear of dying.

When you make love, you know you're gonna love alone

And when you die, you know you're gonna die alone

When is loving a deep form of knowing? Of giving and receiving and holding and being held?

And when is loving a drug we take because we’re afraid of our own limitations?

Because we don’t know to change?

Because we think that love can protect us from dying?

Exodus is the book in which we become a people. It’s a book about togetherness. And that togetherness saves us. It fills our days with joy. We eat, we laugh, we make music, we dance, we fuck.

But when we forget that we are also, all of us, alone, we start to drift into a kind of denial. We forget that there are no shortcuts, that each of us has to cross our own internal oceans and wander in our own internal deserts and face the fire and the smoke and the water and the hunger and the silence.

I feel for the Egyptians in this parsha. I feel for their suffering. And I am thinking about all the cries and all the protests of the last three months. Let my people go! Let my people be free! From the river to the sea. Is every story of domination a kind of love story? And is every moment of liberation a kind of breakup? A kind of death?

4.

There’s this beautiful book, Who Dies?, by Stephen Levine, that I’ve been reading slowly for like 4 years now. It’s about dying, in the sense that it’s about end of life. But it’s also about dying in the way the mystics talk about dying. It’s about the dying we have to do every day. Dying over and over and over again in order to live.

Levine writes:

“When we speak of loving someone, what we mean is that that person acts as a mirror for the place within us which is love. That being becomes our contact with ourself. When that mirror is shattered, the grief that we feel is the loss of contact with that place within us which is love. Thinking of that person as other than ourself, we mourn our loss, we reexperience our sense of separateness and isolation that originally motivated us to look outside of ourselves for that essential unity we call love.”

To lose someone, he is saying, is to feel we are losing ourselves.

And that is the most frightening form of aloneness you can imagine. You are in darkness, you can’t see your own body, you can’t sit or stand, you don’t know how to move, you feel that you are not there, even, except for this anguished and terrified voice inside you crying out I am here! I am here!

Egypt is losing Israel. Egypt feels it is losing its mirror. Egypt feels it is losing itself.

5.

There was the first darkness, and it was dark.

And then there was the second darkness, and it was darker. It was the darkness inside the dark.

But there is always a third darkness. It is the darkness inside the darkness and inside the darkness there is light.

And that light is love.

We are not our bravery, or our tenderness. We are not our pyramids. We are not, in fact, anything. Except the capacity to love.

Let me tell you one last version of the story.

During the second three days, the darkness inside the darkness, the Israelites lived inside light. Darkness was everywhere for the Egyptians, but the Israelites could see. They walked among the houses, and they saw the jewels of the Egyptians.

They picked up the things they had never been allowed to touch

and they were silent in the face of death

and the angels looked down from heaven, quiet and watchful, because God had never done this before, spread darkness so thickly over the planet, and the angels thought the Israelites would all be happy

A fantasy, no?? To wander the homes of your oppressors, invisibly -

But the Israelites were silent

in the houses of the people they had known

They looked and saw them frozen

And the Israelites were confused

And they came to Moses and they said, Moses, we have all died

We are like ghosts wandering the city

“כֻּלָּ֥נוּ מֵתִֽים,” they said. We are all dead.

And Moses said no no you don’t understand! You are not dead, you are alive, you are surrounded by light

and the people were confused

And the people said, this darkness is death!

Look at the Egyptians, they have all died!

And we too, they said, we too, must be dead!

Because everything we know about ourselves is changing.

And Moses said no, no

This isn’t death, this is just darkness.

This is darkness, Moses said.

This is life.

[batmads-ao3]

Across The Universe

Detroit: Yuri’s done the math. He done the research and the consideration and the planning. This will be his last year of competitive figure skating, and this time next year, he’ll be moving on to grad school. No matter what, though, Yuri hopes to hold onto Victor in any way that he can. Even if he has to compromise and change his own dreams to do it.

St. Petersburg: Victor is tired of compromising. Tired of having dreams deferred, of stealing moments in the off season and after competitions to spend time with Yuri. The way he sees it, there are only two options: keep Yuri in competitive skating, or find a way to stay by Yuri’s side after this year is through. Because if there’s anything that Victor knows for certain, it’s that he’s never letting anything come between him and his soulmate ever again.

But how far are Yuri and Victor willing to go to protect the other’s dreams? And with a whole universe separating them, will a soulmate bond really be enough to hold them together when it matters most?

**Part Three of the Defy the Stars Trilogy**

Soulmates!AU • College! AU(kinda) • Happy Ending

Read Chapter Thirty-Five here!

In which Victor's heart begins to get mended, but Yuri still frets over Victor's emotional well-being.

Posting every Friday (ish), chapter preview below the cut

Yuri was gone when Victor woke up. Panic spiked through him as he realized the bed next to him was empty, and that Yuri’s keys and credentials were gone from where he’d left them on the desk in the corner last night, but then he looked over and saw the note on the nightstand. He was glad there was no one else in the room to witness how desperately he snatched it up, or how desperately he read it. 

Vitya—

Had to go and get a few things. Didn’t want to wake you. Back soon. Promise. 

Yuri 

Back soon. There was sunlight streaming through the crack in his curtains already. He didn’t know when Yuri had left, but he hoped his soulmate meant it when he said “back soon.” Victor’s heart was thundering, and he didn’t know if he could really stand it if Yuri wasn’t “back soon.” It would be too easy to convince himself that he’d imagined last night, even with proof to the contrary in his hands. Still, he pulled himself out of bed and tugged on a sweatshirt in lieu of an actual shirt. Perks of having Yuri back in his bed: it had been much easier to feel warm last night. Because these apartments were awfully, dreadfully cold. Victor spent most of his life in an ice rink in Russia, and he was pretty sure this was actually colder. 

Georgi was sitting on the couch in the common room when Victor walked out, also bundled up, eating a bowl of cereal and watching the morning ski races on their TV. Victor raised his brows at the sight, but went to puddle about in their kitchenette for coffee or breakfast of his own. 

“Yuri said you can’t go anywhere; he took your keys so he could get back in when he came back,” Georgi said. 

He didn’t look away from the TV when he said it. Which made Victor afraid to ask too many questions. Georgi watching skiing was one thing. Georgi watching skiing to avoid looking at people was a far worse situation. 

“When’d he leave?” Victor asked. 

“About twenty minutes or so ago?” Georgi said. “I don’t know. He should be back soon. He said he would be.”

Continue on Ao3

[bylightofdawn]

I did not do a WIP Sunday so how about a super late WIP Monday and we just pretend it's Sunday?

This is the start of the new Seph/Lazard fic I'm writing. I have the sneaking suspicion it might be mid-length depending on how much of this tenuous plot I have percolating in my head actually gets posted. It might be pre-slash or it might tip into actual slash, I'm not 100% decided despite my snarky post yesterday about Seph's blond twink kinks.

It's freshly written and wholly unedited so disregard any typos and terrible grammar as always.

“Did you hear we’re getting a new Director?” Genesis asked Sephiroth as he leaned against the doorway of Sephiroth’s dorm room.

The silver-haired man had been focused on filing out his after-action report from their recent mission to Wutai. “Oh? Did Heidegger’s smear campaign end up finally paying off?”

He asked absently without looking up from his tablet screen.

“Nope, he apparently got passed over.” Genesis said, popping the p in nope strongly.

That managed to catch Sephiroth’s attention enough he looked up from the screen. “Really? He must be displeased.” There was the faintest trace of sarcasm in Sephiroth’s tone.

“Oh, to have been a fly on that particular wall.” Genesis agreed with a wolfish smile.

“So who is going to be the new Director?” Sephiroth decided to give up on trying to finish this report, if Genesis wanted to gossip then it was easier to pay attention to him rather than risk him getting his nose out of joint because he wasn’t giving him his due attention.

“That’s the interesting thing, I’ve never heard of this guy. Lazard Deusericus? That ring any bells for you?”

The redhead often deferred to Sephiroth when it came to Shinra intelligence, considering the man had grown up within the company while he and Angeal had become involved much later in life.

“Never heard of him. That is interesting.” Sephiroth murmured and pulled up the company directory on his tablet so he could look up the new Director. Genesis slinked inside and leaned his elbow on his shoulder as he shamelessly looked over it.

Very few people would dare touch Sephiroth without asking but Genesis Rhapsodos was a law unto himself. The profile image that popped at the head of the man’s bio revealed a blond man with a rather ridiculous haircut and piercing blue eyes behind a pair of silver-rimmed glasses.

“A pretty boy, huh?” Genesis mused and that earned him a vague eye-roll from the other man.

“Think with your other head, Gen.”

“I am. Is it a crime to notice beauty in another man?”

“No it’s not.” Sephiroth conceded somewhat reluctantly.

“All I’m saying is he’s pretty and he’s kinda young. Smacks of nepotism if you ask me.”

“It might explain why he came out of nowhere and is suddenly appointed to the directorship.”

“Heidegger is going to chew him up and spit him out. No way he stays in power for long with the old man gunning for his position.”

“Heidegger wouldn’t know how to play the politics game unless you painted it on a target and put a gun in his hand and told him to shoot it.” The silver-haired man scoffed in open disgust.

“I dunno, Angeal said he saw Scarlet and him getting chummy lately.”

“She must want something from him. You know how that harpy operates. She’ll suck him dry like a tick and dismiss him the moment his use has been played out.”

“Let’s hope for all our sakes that is not the case. I don’t think any of us want to deal with a mutual alliance between those two.” Genesis pointed out wryly.

“Heidegger could be using her to try and oust this new guy and finally win his seat at the big boy’s table.”

“Do you really think the old man is capable of that level of subtlety?”

“Heh, fair point.” Sephiroth conceded with an inelegant snort and turned his gaze back to the tablet screen. “I just hope this Lazard has a brain between his ears. Last thing we want to deal with is some idiot who cannot grasp the most basic of tactics being in charge of our deployment orders. We’re finally making some headway in this damned war. Would be a shame if we lose ground now.”

[beelzlikes]

You know what I do to pass the time? I go driving. I waste gas and pollute the air and spend money refueling just so I can listen to music while moving.

I don't want to download a dating app. You have to fill out "about me" profiles and take pictures of yourself, yuck. And there are only two types of people who use dating apps: the desperate or spam bots. You click on someone's picture and it's obviously a stock photo. And all the real people are - most of the time - freaks.

I wouldn't want to date using an app for the same reason I don't want to meet people in bars. I don't hang out with people who hang out in bars... I'm not going to meet someone I like with my interests doing something I don't like in places I don't frequent unless I force myself to.

So I guess it just comes down to getting out of the house more. But I have no reason to leave the house, I don't do anything. I don't even know where I would start. And THEN let's say by some chance I meet someone I do find attractive... There's a 75% likelihood that they aren't going to like me back. I hate those odds. It just feels like putting so much work into something I would ideally want to evolve over time.

And even when I leave the house, I have to concentrate and focus so hard on my tasks and objectives that I do come off as aloof, curt, and uncaring. So much of my brain power is being used simply to make sure I'm doing the bare minimum and not looking like a goof. You're telling me I also have to interpret if this person is flirting or just being nice? Of course I'm going to defer to "just being nice" most of the time, it's an easier cognitive load to deal with.

So much easier to think "everybody knows already/nobody cares". Those are my two mantras.

Want to send a funny meme to a friend? "They've probably already seen it." Something mildly interesting happened in line at the grocery store today, and you want to tell someone about it? "Nobody cares." Maybe we could go see a movie? "They've already seen it without you." Feeling hurt and lonely? "So is everyone else, idiot, you're not special. Nobody. Cares."

So I don't text my friends, and I don't ask them to go do things with me. What makes me think I would change if I had a significant other? Wouldn't I just ruin that too?

I can no longer imagine a future in which I find happiness.

[nothorses]

TransTape: A Guide

I've gotten a lot of asks about TransTape, and noticed a lot of gaps in knowledge. I've been binding with it for over a year now, and I thought a little guide might be helpful!

What is TransTape?

TransTape is an alternative to using a compression binder (like gc2b sells) that does not use compression; instead, a body-safe cloth tape is used to pull your chest underneath your armpits and stick them there against your skin.

Taken from the TransTape Instagram [IMAGES: Three shirtless people with rectangles of transtape pulling their chests flat and under their armpits, so they look more like pecs than breasts. /END]

TransTape was developed by trans people, for binding, from kinetic tape- which is used to treat physical injuries and disabilities in athletics. Though kinetic tape isn't proven to actually improve these problems, it is tested and safe to wear the way TransTape is worn.

Kinetic tape can be used as a cheaper alternative to TransTape, it just doesn't come in the sizes and nude colors generally preferable for binding.

Is It Safe?

Because TransTape doesn't use compression, it doesn't have an impact on your ribcage, lungs, or other internal organs like a compression binder does. It only interacts with your skin, which means short-term and long-term use will only impact your skin.

To the best of available knowledge, TransTape is safe as long as you apply it and remove it correctly. It can be worn while sleeping, exercising, showering/getting wet, and doing all of your other normal activities.

How long you can wear an application of TransTape depends on your lifestyle; the company recommends 3-5 days, with breaks of 1-2 days between applications.

Is It For Me?

Whether TransTape works for you depends on a lot of different factors, but the biggest deciding factor will likely be body type. Like any type of binding, larger chests are harder to flatten/masculinize, and the density of your chest can play a role as well. Skin sensitivity may also be a factor.

My recommendation is to try one roll, start with a test strip to check skin sensitivity, and give it at least 2 or 3 applications to check compatibility. You can check out TransTape's Instagram for some examples of different body types and the different ways people apply it.

The Brand

TransTape itself is expensive, and they've made some weird choices about things like essential oils. That said, they have the best guides and the most information on safe, correct use of binding tape.

You do not need to buy their products. The healing salve and removal oil in particular are more expensive than necessary. I recommend using lip balm in your nipple covers, baby oil for removal, and regular body lotion after removal instead of their products.

Application

TransTape has made a very detailed and comprehensive guide to safe application, which I recommend following.

Every body is different, and the method of application that works best for you may be different from what works best for other people. Experiment! It'll take a few tries to figure out what works for you; I took eight months to fine-tune my method.

Here's how I bind:

[IMAGE: A drawing of a torso with three strips of transtape: #1 is 3 sections long, starts 2 inches from the center of the chest, and the bottom edge of the tape runs over the bottom of the breast. #2 is 3 sections long, and overlapped on top of #1 where the nipple is. #3 is 3.5 sections long, placed directly over the middle of #1 and #2, and has one inch in front of and behind the ends of #1 and #2. The text says "Apply nipple covers, then strip 1, 2, then 3. Ensure ends of strip 3 both "anchor" on skin. /END]

I use a lot more tape than their method does, but this is easiest and flattest for me! It might be a good start for beginners.

Safety Tips

To ensure application is safe, remember to:

Apply nipple covers. Use 1/2 of a section of tape, with a square of toilet paper folded into thirds each way in the middle. Lip balm on your nipples and the toiler paper will keep your nipples hydrated.

Use a 1-2 inch "anchor" on both ends of the tape; this area of the tape should not be stretched. This prevents your skin from itching or getting shallow, surface-level abrasions while wearing.

Remove tape ASAP if you experience any amount of bleeding or pain. Itching is normal, especially with your first few applications, but shouldn't continue for more than a day or two of wear.

Never apply over wounds/scabs/abrasions. Scars are fine, but make sure your skin is healed before application.

Safe Removal

TransTape's how-to guide includes a section on safe application, which I recommend deferring to. Some basics:

Never remove tape dry. Always soak your tape thoroughly with oil before removal; removal oil and baby oil are preferable, and coconut oil is also safe, but will leave adhesive residue.

Rub tape off, don't peel. If you rub at the ends/edges of the tape while it's oiled, it'll start to come off on its own in about 2-5 minutes. This is the best way to ensure you don't damage your skin.

Removal should never hurt. Slow down if you're feeling more than, at most, a light sting here and there. It's okay if you get some redness or shallow abrasions, but you should go more slowly next time.

Let your skin rest! Give your skin a day or two of rest between wears, if possible. I usually wear a compression binder on those days, and the drastically reduced use of compression binders means I'm still avoiding the long-term risks they can come with.

Lotion & TLC: use lots of lotion on your chest between wears, and otherwise treat your skin nicely!

Removal is where the most damage to your skin can occur, so it's important that you follow safety instructions.

Managing Expectations

There is a learning curve with TransTape, and it takes a while to get the hang of it. A lot of people try it once and give up, but it will get easier and more effective with more attempts.

Here's some things to keep in mind:

Your first attempt will suck. Mine looked like I was just wearing a bra, and I felt incredibly dysphoric about it. The second attempt was a little better, and the third attempt was much better.

It takes a long time to get the hang of it. Like, months. You'll keep figuring out better methods and getting flatter over time.

You skin isn't used to this. Part of getting flatter is your skin learning to stretch a bit more over time.

Tightness. Your skin will feel tight in the center of your chest with your first few applications; this is normal, and it won't tear there.

Itching. Your skin will itch under the tape; I got it really badly around the second day of wear. This eases up and eventually stops after a couple of months of consistent use, as your skin adjusts.

Stretching. Your skin will stretch near the center of your chest, and you may notice a slight change in texture. This is normal, should be very subtle, and should go back to normal if you stop wearing tape for a long enough time.

"Masculinization" vs. Flattening: TransTape can get folks flat, but more often it's about re-shaping your chest to be more "masculine"/look like pecs rather than breasts. It just depends on your body type!

TransTape isn't for everyone, but it can be a really great alternative for a lot of folks, too. It might be worth a shot! Just be safe, manage your expectations, and try to give it a few applications before you give up on it.

[handsomelyhiddleston]

Smitten - Tom Hiddleston x Curvy Reader

Filming sex scenes wasn’t the easiest task. There are weird nude undergarments or socks or tape or sometimes just a nude co-star…With Tom, though? There were nerves and feelings and a deep down hope that he couldn’t tell that you were incredibly turned on as he mimed fucking you twelve ways to Sunday.

“Cut! That’s a wrap on today. Great work guys!” the director called.

Tom collapsed onto your chest, laughing as the tension left his body. “These never get easier.”

“I don’t know” you teased, playing with his hair as everyone left the set so you two could leave the bed with some of your dignity. “It’s a lot easier with you.”

Tom held himself up on his elbows. “Don’t tell me your past romantic co-stars have been less than gentlemanly.”

“Not all of them.” You shrugged. Being a ‘larger than the Hollywood standard’ actress had put you in some…not very flattering roles in the start of your career. Sure, now you were the romantic lead with a conventionally attractive male actor, but lets just say you’ve dealt with a lot to get here.

“Well, I hope you know you deserved better.” Tom kissed the back of one of your hands, rolling off of you.

“Coming from you, I may actually believe it.” You laughed, gathering the sheet around you as you left the bed, grabbed your robe, and started walking towards your trailer.

The two of you filmed the movie…Where you’d usually fall asleep in one of your two trailers watching other movies…

The two of you attended interviews…Where Tom would almost always defer to you and even stuck up for you when a few interviewers were borderline sexist or would comment on your appearance…

The two of you even walked a few red carpets together…Tom’s hand always placed at your middle or  on your hip or in one of your hands...

He invited you out to eat with him before or after any shindig the two of you went to…

He’d walk you to your hotel rooms with kisses left on your cheeks…

He’d even tried to convince you to spend the week before the premiere in London with him…

In your mind, Tom was just too nice. He was nice to everybody. It all seemed very friendly…Until…

You hadn’t been watching the interviews as they’d been posted. Some interviews you did together with Tom and others you’d been split up and put with other actors from the movie.

Your phone pinged…

*best friend* - HAVE YOU SEEN TOM ON FALLON?!?

Before you could reply, your phone started blowing up.

You scrolled through the texts until you saw Tom’s

Tom – Darling, I hope you know how much you mean to me. Regardless of what your answer is, I’d never want to lose your friendship. It’s not every day you get to work with one so incredibly kind and thoughtful and talented and beautiful and…every moment I’ve spent with you has been a privilege. Please put me out of my misery and let me know you’ll at least let me see you again.

“What the fuck?” you asked yourself, opening your laptop and googling “Tom Hiddleston and Jimmy Fallon”

You saw that the Fallon YouTube channel had just posted Tom’s segment of tonight’s episode…

“How are you doing, buddy?” Fallon asked, pulling Tom into a tight hug.

“I’m doing incredibly well at the moment, actually.” Tom answered, sharing that the movie you two had filmed together had done extremely well on its opening weekend just a few days earlier.

“I know! It was amazing. I’ve seen it twice!” Fallon replied, always enthusiastic.

“I’m so glad you liked it. Y/n is incredible, right?” Tom turned to the audience, loving that they cheered when he brought you up.

“Oh my god, you two are so good together. I kind of thought maybe you two were…you know…” Fallon waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Tom threw his head back laughing, fidgeting with his tie and avoiding looking into the audience.

“Come on, you can’t tell me you two don’t have SOME sort of real chemistry. I saw the movie.” Fallon gave Tom a look like *Don’t lie*

“Well, perhaps we’re just incredible actors and you’re simply complimenting our craft.” Tom shrugged, trying to look anywhere but at Jimmy.

“Well, yes. The acting in the movie is amazing, but I don’t think that accounts for this.” Jimmy turned and pointed to the screen. It was a series of clips pulled from Tom’s interviews where all he did was gush about you.

“I missed being home, but it’s hard for anyone to stay upset when they’re around Y/n. She just lifts the mood in any room she’s in. You could say she makes anywhere feel a bit like home.” Tom had answered when a woman asked him if it was hard being on site away from home for 5 months.

When another interviewer asked Tom what his favorite line in the movie was, he answered, quoting one of your lines. “When she delivered it for the first time, it kind of took my breath away. I felt very unprofessional. I had to apologize and ask to start over. I couldn’t remember what I was supposed to say next. She tends to have that effect on me.” Tom laughed, a slight blush on his cheeks.

The final clip was one of an interviewer simply asking Tom how his day had gone. “I feel all out of sorts, if I’m being honest. Y/n isn’t here today because she woke up not feeling the best and with Covid still being an issue, she didn’t want to risk getting anyone else sick.” Tom answered with a sad smile on his face. When the interviewer shared that they hoped you would be okay and feel better soon, Tom answered with “I’ll make sure to pass on your sentiments when I bring her food later on.”

“COME ON!” Fallon laughed, throwing his arms up.

“I know, I know. I’m not very good at hiding how I feel, I guess.” Tom admitted, leaning back against the couch and laying his arm across the top. The crowd went wild.

“So, you admit it! Are you two together?!” Fallon asked, sitting on the edge of his seat.

“Unfortunately, not.” Tom answered, ducking his head as his cheeks flushed.

“Why?!” Jimmy asked. “You’re clearly smitten!”

“Hey, it’s not my fault!” Tom rebutted, looking to the audience for support. “I’ve tried!”

“Aww, now I feel bad for bringing it up.” Fallon chuckled and looked at the audience as they collectively ‘aww’ed. “How could anyone turn down this?!” He gestured towards Tom as the audience cheered.

“Well, if I’m to be completely honest I guess I haven’t actually TOLD her how I feel.” Tom confessed.

“Wait, what do you mean?” Jimmy paused.

“Well, I thought she’d catch on. I assume she has.” Tom laughed, fidgeting in his seat. “I’m pretty sure everyone else that knows the two of us can tell I’ve fallen completely head over heels for her.”

“Tom, Tom, Tom.” Jimmy shook his head.

“What?” Tom asked, nervous about what the answer would be.

“I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but I think you may just be horrible at flirting.” Fallon said with a straight face, the audience busting up laughing after.

“Do you think?” Tom replied, eyes gone wide in exaggerated surprise.

“I mean, I think you’re just so nice.” Jimmy laughed, trying to stay serious…“that everyone thinks you’re flirting with them…Which means, when you’re trying to flirt it just blends in.”  

“Well, how would you suggest I stand out then?” Tom asked, putting his elbow on his knee and leaning his chin on his fist like he was really paying attention.

“I mean…” Fallon slowly pointed towards the camera. “You gotta shoot your shot, right?”

The audience went wild at the suggestion. “Oh, dear.”

“I can scrap this and we can just talk about the movie.” Jimmy offered, making sure Tom knew that none of this had to go on the air.

“I mean, if it’s truly that obvious to everyone what have I got to lose, right?” Tom answered.

“That’s what we like to hear!” Jimmy cheered with the audience.

“Well…Y/n.” Tom paused, a soft smile on his face. “I don’t quite know where to start. I feel as though I may have been remiss by not just telling you how I feel. The consequence of such is that now I’m doing it in front of all of these people *gestures to the audience*…and I’m sure you’re laughing at how red I’ve gone and how flustered I am so I’m going to get to the point. Darling, you’re an incredible woman. I could list a million reasons why, but hopefully later you’ll give me the time to tell you them in person. What I really want to tell you now is that you make me happy. You inspire me. You make me want to be the best version of myself and you even make me believe I can achieve it. I’d be honored if you’d give me a chance.”

Fallon had tears in his eyes and most of the audience did, as well. “I…That was so beautiful. I think we need to go to a commercial break.” He was all choked up and stood to give Tom a hug.

You pulled up Tom’s text, your fingers hovering over the keyboard. “Are you still in New York?” you text him. The two of you were there for interviews. You were even staying in the same hotel.

“I am.” He text back, but the ‘typing’ bubble stayed. “Did you watch it?”

“I did.” You answered. “Come over?”

You saw the ‘typing’ bubble pop up and then disappear a few times. Instead of a text, you heard a knock at your hotel door.

“So?” Tom asked when you opened the door. He looked nervous, a look you didn’t often see from him. He had his glasses on and his hair was an adorable mess. He was even already dressed in his night clothes.

You didn’t answer. Instead, you stepped forward and placed your hands on each side of his face, pulling his lips gently to yours. He quickly reciprocated, his hands finding your hips as he walked you backwards into your hotel room.

“And to think, I could have been doing that for a whole year already.” You teased him, connecting your lips again.

“Don’t worry, my sweet.” Tom answered, pressing kisses across your cheek and down your neck. His lips paused at the shell of your ear and his voice dropped. “It just means we’ve got a lot of catching up to do.”

[gaelic-symphony]

From the CM asks

What's a random hot take you have about the show/a character/a plot?

Oh, goodness, just ONE hot take? I have so many! Hmmmm...to cause chaos and burn shit down, or not to cause chaos and burn shit down?

I'm gonna cause chaos and burn shit down.

The way that a large and worrisome number of people in this fandom (lesbians by and large not included) treat Emily is deeply, deeply misogynistic and terrible. Canon Emily is brilliant, refined, charming, highly competent, worldly, multilingual, fiercely independent and self-sufficient, calm under pressure, and self-assured. Fandom has turned her into this bumbling, incompetent chaos gremlin who is only there for comic relief (as much as I love you, Incorrect Criminal Minds Quotes, I am very much looking at you right now). Hotch stans are overwhelmingly the worst culprits of this misogynistic treatment of Emily, both before she takes over for him as unit chief (e.g. bending over backwards to find ways to justify him treating her like shit when she first joins the team) and after (all the "no Hotch no watch" bullshit). Plus, the very existence of Hotchniss as a ship feels like such disrespect for Emily as a character for two big reasons that go way beyond just me not shipping it:

I literally do not think I have ever seen anyone ship Hotchniss out of a deep and abiding love for Emily. That ship is full of Hotch stans who ship them together because they love and want to obsess and fangirl over Hotch. And like, there's nothing wrong with loving Hotch, but when everyone's shipping a ship out of love for him and not her, that creates a legitimate problem, similar to the problem with the specific way that some (although definitely not all!) Reid stans ship Moreid and Ralvez, because they're taking these really wonderful characters of color and making their stories revolve completely around a fan favorite white boy. And when a lot of these Hotch stans ship Hotchniss out of love for Hotch, they're just using Emily to live out their own fantasy and achieve their own sexual gratification. They're stripping her of her agency, her individuality, and everything that makes her who she is in order to make it easier for them to project themselves onto her. They're taking this strong, wonderful, complicated, beautiful female character--A CHARACTER WHO WAS ORIGINALLY WRITTEN AS A LESBIAN AND IS WIDELY ACCEPTED AS ONE IN FANON AND YES, THAT IS ACTUALLY SUPER IMPORTANT--and making her entire story revolve around a man.

I'm only half-joking when I say that it's lesbophobic to ship Emily with men. Because even though Emily isn't actually, technically a lesbian in canon, in a way, she might as well be. She is so deeply queer coded (and not just queer coded, but specifically lesbian-coded in the way she interacts with women vs. men) and so widely accepted as a lesbian in fanon, and it is so widely known that she was originally written as a lesbian, and Lesbian Emily means so much to so many lesbian fans who are already so starved for any representation at all, that Emily actually does feel close enough to being a canonically lesbian character that it is extremely tempting to say, "fuck ship and let ship, DO NOT ship this character with men, just let the lesbians have something for once in our goddamn lives!" And sure, everyone's allowed to have their own headcanons and their own interpretations of characters, but maybe there are some near-canon characterizations widely accepted in fanon that allow fans from marginalized identities to see themselves represented and better engage with the media they consume (e.g. Autistic Spencer, Lesbian Emily) that deserve a little more respect and deference than, say, headcanons about what kind of music a character likes? So when I say that Emily is a lesbian, I don't just mean that I headcanon her as a lesbian; I mean that she is a lesbian in the same way that Spencer is autistic, even though neither one of those things is actually, technically true in canon. And while nobody's saying that you have to headcanon Emily as a lesbian or Spencer as autistic in order to participate in this fandom, if you consistently create content that deliberately erases Spencer's autism or Emily's lesbianism, autistic Reid stans and lesbian Emily stans may understandably and legitimately take issue with your work for reasons that go much deeper than simply not agreeing with your headcanons.

Anyway, those are the reasons why I actually feel kinda justified in gatekeeping Emily Prentiss from anyone in this fandom who is not either a) a lesbian, or b) a non-lesbian sapphic who headcanons Emily as a lesbian.

Also, I literally do not give a single shit about Hotch beyond just liking him as a character and appreciating what he brings to the show, and I 100% stand by this statement I made in a conversation about Hotch girlies:

I also believe with every fiber of my being that this is how Emily feels about Hotch, too.

[meruz]

once again i am answering asks in a big compilation post. included is... gotham, patrick stump, tips about drawing backgrounds, tips about drawing in general, links to my faq, and infinity train

like.... the tv series? No... I’ve drawn dc comics fanart before, though. But it’s been years since I’ve been really into it. I like jumped ship like 10 years ago when the New 52 happened LOL.

AFJHDSLKGH I’m sorry I (probably) won’t do it again??

Actually full disclosure I have a truly cringe amount of p stump drawings/photo studies in my sketchbook right now LOL. He’s just fun to draw... hats, glasses, guitar, a good shape... but I don’t think I’ll rly post those until I can hide them in another big sketchbook pdf.. probably Jan 2022. Stay tuned........ (ominous) 

(ominous preview)

These are all sort of related to backgrounds/painting so I grouped them together even though they’re pretty much entirely separate questions.... ANYWAYS

a) How is it working as a BG artist? Is it hard? What show are you drawing for?

I think you’re the first person to ever ask me about my job! Being a background artist is great. It’s definitely labor intensive but I think that could describe pretty much any art job (If something were rote or easy to automate, you wouldn’t hire an artist to do it) and I hesitate to say whether its harder or easier than any other role in the animation pipeline. Plus, so much of what truly makes a job difficult varies from one production to the next, schedule, working environment, co-workers etc. But I will say that I think while BGs are generally a lot of work on the upfront, I think they’re subject to less scrutiny/revisions than something like character/props/effects design and you don’t have to pitch them to a room like boards. So I guess it’s good if you don’t like to talk to people? LOL

A lot of my previous projects + the show I’ve worked on the longest aren’t public yet so I can’t talk about em (but I assure you if/when the news does break I won’t shut up about it). But I’m currently working on Archer Season 12 LOL. I’m like 90% sure I’m allowed to say that.

b) ~~~THANK YOU!! ~~~

c) What exactly do you like to draw most [in a background]?

@kaitomiury​ Lots of stuff! I really like to draw clutter! Because it’s a great opportunity for environmental storytelling and also you can be kind of messy with it because the sheer mass will supersede any details LOL. 

I like to draw clouds... I like to draw grass but not trees lol,,, I like to draw anything that sells perspective really easily like tiled floors and ceilings, shelves, lamp posts on a street etc.

d) Do you have any tips on how to paint (observational)?

god there’s so much to say. painting is really a whole ass discipline like someone can paint their whole life and still discover new things about it. I guess if you’re really just starting out my best advice is that habit is more important than product. especially with traditional plein air painting, I find that the procedure of going outside and setting up your paints is almost harder than the actual painting. There’s a lot of artists who say “I want to do plein air sometime!!” and then never actually get around to doing it. A lot of people just end up working from google streetview or photos on their computer.

But going outside to paint is a really good challenge because it forces you to make and commit to lighting and composition decisions really quickly. And to work through your mistakes instead of against them via undo button.

My last tip is to check out James Gurney’s youtube channel because hes probably the best and most consistent resource on observational painting out there rn. There’s lots other artists doing the same thing (off the top of my head I know a lot of the Warrior Painters group has people regularly posting plein air stuff and lightbox expo had a Jesse Schmidt lecture abt it last year) but Gurney’s probably the most prolific poster and one of the best at explaining the more technical stuff - his books are great too.

e) Do you have tips for drawing cleanly on heavypaint?

@marigoldfool​ UMM LOL I LIKE ONLY USE THE FILL TOOL so maybe use the fill tool? Fill and rectangle are good for edge control as opposed to the rest of the heavy paint tools which can get sort of muddles. And also I use a stylus so maybe if you’re using your finger, find a stylus that works with your device instead. That’s all I’ve got, frankly I don’t think my drawings are particularly clean lol.

f) Tips on improving backgrounds/scenes making them more dynamic practicing etc?

Ive given some tips about backgrounds/scenes before so I’m not gonna re-tread those but here’s another thing that might be helpful...

I think a good way to approach backgrounds is to think of the specific story or even mood you want to convey with the background first. Thinking “I just need to put something behind this character” is going to lead you to drawing like... a green screen tourist photo backdrop. But if you think “I need this bg to make the characters feel small” or “I need this bg to make the world feel colorful” then it gives you requirements and cues to work off of.

If I know a character needs to feel overwhelmed and small, then I know I need to create environment elements that will cage them in and corner them. If a character needs to feel triumphant/on top of the world then I know I need to let the environment open up around them. etc. If I know my focal point/ where I want to draw attention, I can build the background around that.

Also, backgrounds like figure compositions will have focal points of their own and you can draw attention to it/ the relationship the characters have with the bg element via scale or directionality or color, any number of cues. I think of it almost as a second/third character in a scene.

Not every composition is gonna have something so obvious like this but it helps me to think about these because then the characters feel connected and integrated with the environment.

Some more general art questions

a) Do you have any process/tips to start drawing character/bodies/heads?

I tried to kind of draw something to answer this but honestly this is difficult for me to answer because I don’t think I’m that great at drawing characters LOL. Ok, I think I have two tips.

1) flip your canvas often. A lot about what makes human bodies look correct and believable is symmetry and balance. Even if someone has asymmetrical features, the body will often pull and push in a way to counterbalance it. we often have inherent biases to one side or another like dominant hands dominant eyes etc. you know how right-handed artists will often favor drawing characters facing 45 degrees facing (the artist’s) left? that’s part of it. so viewing your drawing flipped even just to evaluate it helps compensate for that bias and makes you more aware of balance.

2) draw the whole figure often. I feel like a lot of beginner artists (myself included for a long time) defer to just drawing headshots or busts because it’s easier, you dont have to think about posing limbs etc. But drawing a full body allows you to better gauge proportion, perspective, body language, everything that makes a character look believable and grounded.

Like if you (me) have that issue where you draw the head too big and then have to resize it to fit the proportions of the rest of the body, it’s probably because you (I) drew the head first and are treating the body as an afterthought/attachment. Sketching out the whole figure first or even just quick drawing guides for it will help you think of it more holistically. I learned this figure drawing in charcoal at art school LOL.

oh. third mini tip - try to draw people from life often! its the best study. if you can get into a figure drawing/nude drawing class EVEN BETTER and if you have a local college/art space/museum that hosts those for free TREASURE IT AND TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT, that’s a huge boon that a lot of artists (me again) wish they had. though if youre not so lucky and youre sitting in a park trying to creeper draw people and they keep moving.. don’t let that stop you! that’s good practice because it’s forcing you to work fast to get the important stuff down LOL. its a challenge!

b) I’ve been pretty out of energy and have had no inspiration to draw but I have the desire to. Any advice?

Dude, take a walk or something.... Or a nap? Low energy is going to effect everything else so you gotta hit that problem at its source.

If you’re looking for inspiration though, I’d recommend stuff like watching a movie, reading a book, playing video games etc. Fill up your idea bank with content and then give yourself time/space to gestate it into new concepts. Sometimes looking at other art works but sometimes it can work against you because it’s too close. 

Also something that helps me is remembering that art doesn’t always have to be groundbreaking... like it’s okay to make something shitty and stupid that you don’t post online and only show to your friend. That’s all part of the process imo. If you want to hit a home run you gotta warm up first, right? Sports.

I should probably compile everytime i give tips on stuff like this but that’s getting dangerously close to being a social media artist who makes stupid boiled down art tutorials for clout which is the last thing i want to be... the thing I want to stress is that art is a whole visual language and there are widely agreed upon rules and customs but they exist in large part to be broken. Like there's an infinite number of ways to reach an infinite number of solutions and that’s actually what makes it really cool and personal for both the artist and the viewer. So when you make work you like or you find someone else’s work you like, take a step back and ask yourself what about it speaks for you, what about it works for you, what makes it effective, how to recreate that effect and how to break that effect completely, etc. And have a good time with it or else what’s the point.

for the first 2, I direct you to my FAQ

For the last one, I don’t actually believe I’ve ever addressed artwork as insp for stories/rp but I’ll say here and now yeah go ahead! As long as you’re not making profit or taking credit for my work then I’m normally ok with it. Especially anything thats private and purely recreational, that’s generally 100% green light go. I only ask that if you post it anywhere public that you please credit me.

(and I reserve the right to ask you to take it down if I see it and don’t approve of it’s use but I think that case is pretty rare.)

a) @lemuelzero101 Thank you!!! I haven’t played Life is Strange but actually  that series’ vis dev artist Edouard Caplain is one of my bigger art inspirations lately so that’s a really high compliment lol. And yeah I hope we get 5-8 too...!

b) Thank you for sticking around! I’ve been thinking about Digimon and Infinity Train in tandem lately, actually. They’re a little similar? Enter a dangerous alternate world and have wacky adventures with monsters/inanimate objects that have weird powers... there’s like weird engineers and mechanisms behind the scenes... also frontier literally starts with them getting on a train. Anyways if anyone else followed me for digimon... maybe you’d like Infinity Train? LOL

c) @king-wens-king I’M GLAD MY ART JUST HAS PINOY VIBES LOL I hope you are having a good day too :^)

a, b, c, d) yessss my Watch Infinity Train agenda is working....

e) aw thank you!! i think you should watch infinity train :)